#This is the beginning of a whole novel I don't have time to write LOL

[sundownpromises-inactive]

please don't go (i'll eat you whole) | L.K.

pairing: leon kennedy x fem!reader

synopsis: you make love to leon before he leaves you.

word count: 1,906

warnings/tags: established relationship, smut with feelings, angst, pre-spain or just pre-mission in general, some light fluff if you squint kinda (i'm sorry), p in v sex/penetrative sex, unprotected sex, aftercare

author's note: i'm gonna be honest. i am a little nervous. more so than usual bc this is my first time writing for leon! i love him so much, he's definitely one of my comfort characters, and i wanted to write something angsty but also kinda bittersweet like this for a loooong time and i finally got around to it. i really hope you guys enjoy, comments are always appreciated <3 this has been proofread more than once, but just in case, any and all mistakes are mine! also, just fyi, i wrote this with re4r leon in mind, but you can imagine whichever leon floats your boat if you really want to lol.

p.s. it's not written in here but pls pee after sex 😭

minors do not interact, please and thank you!

You clung to him for dear life; as if he was going to disappear in front of your very eyes.

You were above him, peering down into his deep eyes. His eyebrows were knitted together in pleasure and his lips, which were currently rosy and swollen after the frequent kisses you had given them, were ever so slightly parted as soft groans emerged from his throat. His large hands never stayed still for longer than a minute – he gripped your waist before sliding them down to your ass, kneading the soft flesh before moving them up toward your breasts, squeezing gently, before bringing them back to your waist, where he helped with guiding your languid movements. You moved your hips like an expert, riding him as if you’d never have the chance to again.

With the rain pattering against the window and a sliver of moonlight filtering through the room, it was almost like a scene from an erotic novel. The room carried the scent of sweat and sex and was filled with the noises that spilled from your lips non-stop. You didn’t even know how much time had passed – but you knew it was late. You knew Leon had to be up in the morning. But you wanted to prolong this moment with him for as long as possible. Leon wanted to as well, as every time he got you close to your peak, he slowed down, dragging out your orgasm in a way that was almost painful, but you enjoyed every second of it.

You were growing tired, your legs beginning to shake as your rhythm became a bit off-kilter.

“Leon…” You moaned, his name coming out so softly it almost wasn’t audible. But Leon, ever so attentive, heard you loud and clear, and he knew what you were trying to tell him.

He flipped you over with ease, while he was still inside of you, spreading your legs further apart and starting up a steady pace. All you could do was grip the bed sheets, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as he drilled into that spot that made you see stars. He wasn’t aggressive or rough, but his thrusts were certainly hard-hitting and relentless, and you knew you only had a few minutes.

At some point, you closed your eyes as you tried to focus on your impending orgasm, feeling as if you were in a complete haze – but Leon’s voice pierced through your foggy mind.

“Please look at me.” He said, his low voice sounding a bit strained and even a little desperate; who were you to deny him of what he wanted?

It took a momentous amount of effort, but eventually you were able to open your eyes and keep them open, looking up at him. Leon lowered himself a little, allowing you to wrap your arms around his broad shoulders. The slightly different position made his thrusts feel even deeper, and you cried out into his neck, your fingers going into his shaggy blonde hair.

“Keep looking at me. Please.” He said softly, and so you did, maintaining eye contact with him the best you could as he continued to piston his hips into you. Suddenly, Leon was becoming blurry; you could feel the wetness on your face as tears began to fall. Leon often made you cry during sex – he was a fucking god in bed after all and usually made you feel so good that he’d leave you sobbing from the intense pleasure after multiple orgasms. And while that was definitely the reason you were crying now, you also knew that there was an underlying reason for your tears. Leon knew the other reason, too.

“You’re close, aren’t you?” He asked you sweetly, still keeping up his quick pace. All you could do was nod fervently, digging your nails into his back. He always loved when you did that.

“Yeah? My sweetheart is gonna cum for me?” He urged, and the pet name that rolled off of his tongue only made matters worse.

“Fuck, Leon–please, give it to me.” You said, your voice trembling. You felt all of the telltale signs. There was a tight coil forming in your lower stomach, ready to pop like a balloon. Leon could sense this, could hear it in your voice and could feel it in the way your pussy was squeezing around his cock. He raised himself just a bit, lowering his hand down between your legs, using his thumb to rub your clit in circular motions while he continued thrusting.

Leon’s name emerged from your throat so loudly that you even drowned out the rain. Your eyes squeezed shut, your back rising off the bed in a beautiful arch, your climax hitting you in waves. You felt like you were in heaven, the tears falling even more freely from your eyes now. Leon just ogled at you like you were a work of art. In his mind, you were.

He was also close, and mere seconds after your orgasm his own came crashing down on him too. With a few more sloppy thrusts he found himself stilling inside of you, his release filling you to the brim. The feeling of being so full of him was one that you would never grow tired of.

Eventually, you came down from your peak, your limbs feeling like heavyweights. All you could do was lay there and cry some more, letting every single emotion overtake you completely, your sobs shaking your entire body. Leon was comforting you in an instant, pulling out gently and lying next to you, allowing you to bury your head into his chest. The two of you laid like that for several minutes, with Leon cradling your head and rubbing your back.

You did calm down after some time passed, and that’s when Leon tried to get up, but you clung to him again.

“Please don’t go.” You said, your voice small and hoarse. “Don’t go, Leon, please.”

“I just wanna clean you up, okay?” Leon replied, wiping away the wetness on your cheeks. You didn’t even care that his cum was leaking out of you and making your thighs a mess – you just wanted him to stay by your side. But you knew he was just trying to take care of you, so you reluctantly released him.

Leon kissed your cheek before getting off the bed and going to the bathroom. While you waited for him, you tried to keep your eyes open. You didn’t want to sleep, because falling asleep meant that morning would come quicker, and truthfully you didn’t want the morning to come at all. You knew it would be coming no matter what, though – but goddamn it, you tried to prolong it the best you could, even when your eyelids were growing heavier by the second.

Leon came back, now clothed in his boxers (that you didn’t even notice he had thrown back on), a small washcloth in hand, and a glass of water that he set on the bedside table. He pushed your legs apart yet again and wiped you clean, touching you so gently as if you were some kind of porcelain doll. It only made your heart grow fonder. You were going to miss these moments of tenderness.

He made you sit up, just enough so you could drink the water that he had prepared for you. You took a small sip, to which Leon encouraged you to “drink a bit more, sweetheart,” so you did, and when he was pleased, the glass returned to its spot on the bedside table, and shortly after he was crawling underneath the comforter with you.

The warmth of the comforter and Leon’s body next to yours made it even more difficult for you to stay awake. Leon saw you struggling, catching the way you would doze off and then immediately wake yourself back up.

“Please, rest.” He muttered into your hair. You hugged him tighter.

“Do you have to go?” You asked him, even though you knew the answer.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Was all Leon could say in response.

You felt a lonely tear roll down your cheek yet again. But you were far too exhausted to cry some more. Instead, you sat up, looking at Leon intently. He returned your direct eye contact, sitting up himself to lean against the headboard and match your height.

“Promise me,” You started, holding out your hand. Without hesitation, Leon held it, locking your fingers together and giving your hand a slight squeeze.

“Promise me you’ll come back home.” You asked him, like you always did before he left for a mission. Every single time, he would give you the same answer.

“I promise.” He replied firmly. You knew deep down that asking Leon to make promises like this was unrealistic. He never fully understood what he was getting himself into until he arrived at the mission location – and you knew that despite his skills as a trained government agent, accidents always happened, and there was no way to know when things would go awry when he’s out in the middle of nowhere. But hearing him utter those two words before he left eased your worries just enough.

Trusting Leon was always easy.

“I love you.” You said softly, fitting back into Leon’s side perfectly, like you belonged there.

“I know, sweetheart. I know.” Leon replied, before tilting your chin up with two gentle fingers and kissing you with a fiery passion. You two lazily kissed each other until sleep started pulling you into its dark embrace. You didn’t fight it this time, resting your head on Leon’s chest and drifting away to the sound of his steady heartbeat.

The next morning, the two of you shared one last breakfast. You mostly sat in comfortable silence. You asked a couple questions about the mission, but didn’t get straight answers – it was confidential. You knew that already but always liked to ask questions anyway.

Right as Leon was about to walk out of your door, you stopped him. You took a few moments just to stare at him – he was as handsome as the day you fell in love with him.

You brushed some hair out of his face, kissing him slowly, savoring the feeling of his lips on yours for these last few minutes. When you pulled away, you were sporting a warm smile, feeling your eyes sting as tears threatened to spill. You kept them at bay.

“Don’t you dare–” You paused, your trembling lips making it difficult to speak. When you collected yourself, breathing in and out, you continued.

“Don’t you dare ruin this jacket. I love it on you.” You said, referring to the brown leather jacket that Leon had bought himself recently and was currently wearing. He had a tendency to ruin clothing items on his missions, and you hoped this one would survive.

Leon chuckled. The sound immediately filled you with warmth. You were going to miss that sound; God knows how long you’d have to go without hearing it everyday.

“Copy that.” Leon replied, a laugh bubbling out of your throat.

You shared one more embrace. The final hug was one the both of had trouble ending. But it had to come to an end eventually.

And then, Leon was gone. All that was left was a memory.

[goldfishinaplasticbag]

Hi Goldfish! Do you have any advice on writing fanfics? I've mainly been struggling with creating unique character voices/POVs, but general advice is also welcome Thanks ♡

hello! honestly, i started writing fanfics very very abruptly. i actually didn't start reading fanfics until 2021 (?) or so, so i was VERY late to the game. i'm also terrible at giving advice—i grew up loving writing essays and reading novels, so a lot of my "writing skills" come naturally. but i'll try my best!

i try to pick from source material as much as i can. i save a LOT of comics and panels so i can pull inspiration on how i write how they speak or how they would act. definitely start with that

with that, you start to think of how YOU personally see these characters. basically start gathering info -> surface level interpretation -> deeper analysis. i'll use dick as an example because he's fun to write.

surface level, dick is a hyper-competent, "happy-go-lucky" leader who is an acrobat and the first robin. he loves his people—family, friends, teammates. he's charismatic. so i would think: "okay, let's use more exclamations for his POV than tim's." but deeper analysis, he carries an enormous amount of responsibility and guilt. he's the eldest brother of a unconventional family, born out of grief, and he can be hotheaded. he was never adopted until way later.

with all of THAT, i would make him deeply emotional, flipping between anger and frustration, especially with bruce. since i see him as somebody grieves intensely for his family, i would translate that in self-sacrifice and his internal thoughts of passive suicidal ideation (re: beginning of chapter 16).

in comparison to, let's say, jason. jason is brash, angry, hurt, and clawed himself out of his own grave. he's died, and he's grieving too. but he's also incredibly smart, and he cares in such a way that's different to dick. now, my personal spin on how i write him: more religious imagery/wording (e.g., capitalising g in god), swears a lot more in his internal and external dialogue, slang, and has similarities to bruce in ways he would hate.

i don't know if any of that made sense LOL. might have been a whole bunch of yap. essentially, you should first get a grasp of WHO your character is, think about WHY they do the things they do, and HOW they may feel about everything and anything. then, you can take creative liberties from those ideas.

at the end of the day, fanfiction and writing are for fun and for fans. your interpretation isn't wrong, and you should have a good time writing!

[petruchio]

okay i know im being a hater or whatever so you dont have to post this but i needed to rant. this whole idea of "suzanne collins only writes if she has smth to say" is pissing me off soooo bad. bc like babes.... she's not fucking karl marx???? like she's a ya novelist???? like do you think that just bc she adds a few quotes about propaganda at the beginning of the book, she's all of sudden radically redefining our perceptions/view on how insidious governments are???? that she's like what? explaining dialectical materialism in such a way that young adults understand it and are radicalized????? "she only writes when she has smth to say...." and she wrote that she wanted that lionsgate chack. i don't understand why we gotta mythologize this woman. also this sentiment i see floating around on tiktok from fully grown adults being like "woaw.... i understand propaganda now... i see how evil it is...." are we being fr right now??? it took a ya novel for you to understand propaganda???? OPEN THE SCHOOLS AGAIN!!!

im not saying that the original trilogy was bad. it was great and i loved it a lot!! i think it still holds up to today. i love reading analysis and meta about it. i just feel like we can stop pretending that this book was good and not full of ret-cons. like reading the book felt like "who is this man pretending to be my alcoholic husband????" and if you like the book that's fine, that's alr. hell i even liked some of the ret-cons!!! (effie, plutarch, you will always be real to me. i love you even tho you have morals i would personally spit on. and beetee having kid???? cute, not my fav but cute. side note: how old was this man in mj??? in cf???? and im always a sucker for more mags content. wish we got better mags content but i'll take what we can get. and haymitch drinking that milk!!! what the hell was even that scene??? but i laughed so i'll include it.) but we really need to stop pretending like this wasn't a cash-grab.

sorry ik im being like a heinous hater rn and like im being sooo mean but i just had to get it off my chest. anyway, this is not directed at you ofc. you obv dont have to post this bc this is just me being rude as fuck to the general fandom but i just had to get this off my chest. sorry for word-vomiting in your inbox lol.

hope u have a great day!!!

(p.s is mythologize the right word???? i feel like it's not but i cant think of what else to use. deify?? uphold? put on a pedestal??? ahh, whatever. you get what i mean.)

no anon i SHALL post it!! speak your truth.

me and @districtunrest were talking about this too, this idea that people seem to keep repeating that suzanne collins writes out of contempt for her own readers. like every time a book comes out people go "oh its because she was mad everyone DIDNT GET IT the first time" and i just ... i don't think that's why she is writing books haha. i think she's writing books because she's a writer.

i also think the idea that everyone who read the hunger games is an idiot with no critical reading ability is ... kind of a reach? because like what are we all on here talking about all the time if not having conversations and analyzing the books and discussing the broader themes? sure there are some people who didn't read it and think about the political commentary but 1) that's okay, it is a story and 2) there are a lot of people who DID, so i'm getting a bit tired of the whole "you guys didn't get it" narrative considering that. well. a lot of people did.

but anyway yeah this book is a cash grab lets be so for real. that said i did spend my own hard earned cash on it so ... i'll let her have it i suppose. but that doesn't mean im not allowed to complain about it on my own blog

anyway im with you on the old man beetee lore drop. why was beetee helping gale make weapons in mockingjay. he should have been at the club. by which i mean the club for old people. like a nursing home or some shit. anyway never censor yourselves in my inbox guys. that's what im here for

[dhruvkumaar]

What's a theme and why's it important to your story?

Theme is one of the most foundational elements of storytelling. All good stories have a theme—an argument, if you may call it that. Such stories try to tell you something, and that something is what we say is the theme of the story.

It doesn't even matter if it’s a novel or not. A song? A play or a film? A news-article? Even an advertisement? Every single form of storytelling has to have a theme in it.

But, we often confuse what theme even is, and how do we come up with it. I mean, I guess most of us begin our stories with a really cool idea, say a scene, and then build on top of it. We keep building the sequence of what-happens-next’s, without realizing that we gotta have something to say with this story that we’re creating.

And that’s why it’s so tough to fit themes in our stories. So, here I am, trying to collect my thoughts on this topic, because I feel even I am doing a not-so-good job in that department in my own web-novel.

But before we begin, please click that link…

***

#01. what’s a theme?

Let’s begin from the beginning.

I don't know how this definition ended up in my notebook, but that’s what I heard somewhere about themes and wrote it down: theme refers to the central idea or message of the story. And… I was gonna do such a bad job at describing it—good that I found my notes on time.

Anyways, as you could have guessed, theme is what you’re trying to tell to your audience through your story, like I said earlier. A theme can be as simple as: honesty is the best policy. Or, good wins versus evil. Or 

You’d have seen the latter—or probably both—in most of the fantastical stories where the protagonist is trying to save the day by killing the antagonist. And it makes sense—most of the stories are actually founded on such simplistic themes. In fact, many stories can hold extraordinary plotlines while serving such simple arguments.

However, themes can sometimes be complex. For example, Metamorphosis plays on the themes of loneliness and alienation. And, it does not only paint a great picture of its scene, but it also describes the theme really well.

One thing I’d like to note here is that a story can have several themes, but it’s better if those themes are interconnected to each other in some way, and you consider the plotline of the story while coming up with the theme of the story. Talking about the themes of high-school romance and toxic relationships in a dystopian dark-fantasy doesn't really make any sense, after all.

***

#02. types of themes

I just realized that there’s probably some types of themes that are usually employed in storytelling. Lol, it’s crazy how some things just hit you in the head only when you write about it.

Anyway, themes can be either descriptions or arguments. Like, look at Metamorphosis—it’s not trying to argue for anything. It’s not trying to tell you how absolute authoritarianism is bad, like Orwell’s Nineteen-Eighty-Six does. Metamorphosis is simply painting a picture for you.

Though Nineteen-Eighty-Six paints a picture too, that picture has a reason. And it’s not just to show you a picture that you probably don't know about—it’s to tell you something. To make an argument.

Both themes are completely okay, in my opinion. But, I believe that in general, most of the commercialized fiction is filled with arguments, while literary fiction is more focused on the descriptions.

***

#03. How do you find a theme for your work?

Good question, I’d say. Unfortunately, I don't have an easy answer for this one.

Writing, as most writers keep echoing, is a highly personal art. The process of creating a story that works is different for everybody. For example, re-writing whole drafts don't really work with me, while most would re-write their stories as many times as they can.

Similarly, the process of finding themes and inserting them in your stories is different for all of us. Some of us have the themes in mind already when we’re outlining, while some of us have to go at least halfway through the draft to get there. Some even complete a whole damn draft, and then look at the macro of the story to identify the themes.

It’s different for everybody. All I can say is that one day, it’s gonna hit you. It’s gonna hit you why you should be telling your story. You’d just know what you wanna tell your readers.

Until then, don't stop. Just keep adding those what-happens-next’s to your plotline. Keep working on your story. That’s exactly what I’m doing with my work, after all.

And, I think I’m kinda getting there. I do have some ideas to play with the themes of my story.

It might seem counter-intuitive, at first glance, but sometimes, we only know what we’re writing about only after we’ve written it down. That’s what’s so magical about this art.

You can always come back to cut the scenes that ain’t relevant to your story anymore, and add the ones in the middle that work. Like I said, writing as an art is highly personal—different for everybody.

***

conclusion

In the end, all I’d like to say is: you write for fun. So write for fun, for now. Don't stress much about the theme. Just like most things in life, it’s gonna come to you when the time is right.

Or not. But you can always figure out how to correct your story later, so… it’s never too late, y’know. See you in some next blog!

[bomberqueen17]

solarpunk tallships bisexuals sequel

ok so. I did manage to finish the draft of that novel at the beginning of March, and I've mostly been able to let it sit while I started work on the sequel. I have already identified some structural edits I will need to make in order to make the sequel line up and have enough room for itself. (This is better than my fanfic writing process, where often i posted things before writing the follow up and then had to figure out how to get out of the corner i'd painted myself into lol, though more often than you'd think I did have a plan and had left myself wiggle room. well, it might be less often than you'd think, though.)

So anyone who had signed up to cheer-read or beta-read that, that's all up and available for comment now! Huge thanks to those who have responded, that was enormous and got me through the dark dark winter lol. I knew I couldn't get through that alone. But I'm not out of the woods yet and I would love some more company.

updates on sequel and a snippet behind cut:

I have about 50k of the sequel banged into chronological order by now, though it's still got a lot of... well the plot antagonists are just called [BADGUY] at the moment, among other things.

It is straight-up the first 20k of the solarpunk mammoths novel I published on Dreamwidth in 2018 or so, interspersed with new plot pulled from the setup in the first book, and a whole new direction for the mammoths novel which did peter out originally for want of coherent plot so this has fixed that.

I have to get it banged into shape but I am due to go back to work at the farm next week so I'm trying to decide-- I think I will put up the beta doc for comments in the same way, but I'm not sure who to include on it. I guess I'll put on everyone who signed up, whether they got around to vol 1 yet or not, with the understanding that life gets in the way sometimes, but also like-- no pressure, if you aren't interested anymore or super just don't have time, i'm not trying to be pushy.

I dunno, I don't have a process for this. Just know: vol 1 is complete but not finished, I will be rewriting it at some point, it's open to further discussion and possibly could use some structural critique as well as I'm never sure about my pacing etc, but I'm letting it sit for a bit right now to get the sequel approximately shaped and then I will be looking harder at feedback and such. (I know it needs a lot more physical descriptions and more vividness in the environment and I need to flesh out the worldbuilding and hammer out the bits where I have to depart from the Age of Sail Aesthetic to actually make my own shit, etc., and a lot of the Politics Etcetera will make a lot more sense once I get it properly framed in to support vol. 2.)

And so vol 2 is underway and I will soon be soliciting comments on that as well!

so, as promised, a snippet, and yes, we're getting different people's POVs in this volume so our POV here is Cpt Haines:

The University loomed, a tall stone wall with a gate and gatehouse, tall concrete and stone buildings behind. The guard in the gatehouse recognized Lt. Atkins, and waved at him, and Mel and the entourage trooped in behind him. “Now,” Atkins said, “the real test is, which part of the engineering department has custody of her today?” “Tom,” Mel said, catching his arm. There was a large animal in the courtyard they were approaching, a big shaggy brown thing that moved. “What is that.” Atkins stopped short, staring at it, completely stunned.  “It’s a fucking mammoth,” Kinsie said, astonished into swearing.  “Is that supposed to be here,” Mel said, instinct making her step in front of Kinsie, her arm across Atkins’s chest. Like she was going to be any real protection, but it was reflex. They were all armed, all carrying swords or knives, but nobody had a gun. And the creature was huge, and it had noticed them, and had its head up and its ears waving in interest.  “That’s a--” Atkins said, struggling to speak. “That’s--” He grabbed Mel’s wrist. “It’s all right. They’re-- citizens, here.” “They’re-- what?” Mel glanced over at him.  “They’re not animals,” Atkins said. He was staring at the mammoth with a rapt kind of intensity. He took a few steps forward, and Mel thought to stop him, to pull him back, but let him go. “They’re people. They can talk.” “Like the dolphins,” Mel said.  The mammoth waved its ears, and made a squeaky sound, surprisingly high-pitched, then turned away, moving slowly farther back into the courtyard, walking sideways. They cautiously followed, now all of them behind Atkins, who was walking more purposefully.  He walked right toward the creature, made a strangely formal gesture, and said, “Greetings, honored relative.”

[ofliterarynature]

DECEMBER 2024 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay nope dnf (reread) ]

(The Warrior of the Third Veil) • Labyrinth's Heart • Graveyard Shift • Haunt Sweet Home • Dear Bartleby • The Weaver of the Middle Desert • (Jackaby) • Jamaica Inn • The Hallowed Hunt • The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy at All, Vol 1 • (Beastly Bones) • These Old Shades • (Ghostly Echoes) • Balancing Stone • (The Dire King) • Bestiary • The Agony House • The Bone Maker • Siddartha • The Morningside • Why We Sleep

* * * * *

It's the final month with this picture format because Goodreads has decided to f*ck their page format entirely! Only managed to do this month through some miracle and a bookmarked page on my phone.

The Warrior of the Third Veil & The Weaver of the Middle Desert - wonderful! I'm so glad that Victoria was finally able to finish Weaver, what with it being almost 6 years since it's original mentioned release date. It was really nice getting to see more of Arzu, since she's not one of the Red Company and we don't know much about her. Jack and the beanstalk is not the fairy tale I'd have expected to be incorporated here, but it was neat! I feel like I should have thoughts about how this series is the 'Sisters' Avramapul but still always end up being about Sardeet at the heart of the story, but I still kind of wish we could fit in a fourth book about her third husband? She has such terrible taste in husbands, I want to see how the last one screws up.

Labyrinth's Heart - mixed feelings! In reality I read this series in quick enough succession that I didn't have much time to build up expectations, and I did like and enjoy this and think it was a good ending to the series. I was a little meh on the beginning, mostly - the whole favor/marriage tournament felt a little weird, and it was over so quickly (comparatively - it's a long book!) and went out with a whimper. This was the book where Ren's house of cards was going to start falling, and bringing back mother dearest (whose name I've forgotten again) was a genius move that was well supported - she just ended up feeling very underutilized because Ren was being pulled in ten directions and she played her trump card so early in the story, which left her feeling more of a petty villain rather than anything more significant. It also felt like after the authors killed off a major character at the end of book one, they weren't willing to take such a swing again? Which really dropped the tension for me, unfortunately. I think book 2 will live on as my favorite in the series, but I still had a great time with this one. Would highly recommend the series!

Graveyard Shift - the author may have abandoned tumblr years ago, but some part of me still feels compelled to support her books lol. This was interesting! Another one for the mycological horror section. I don't really have much more to say - I saw people saying it should have been longer, but I don't know that I would have stayed interested for much longer, and thought the structure of telling the story of this one 8 hr period was clever. I wonder if a series of single-shift novellas would be something feasible?

Haunt Sweet Home - meh. I think I was hoping for something a little funnier? But this really didn't leave me feeling much. A pass from me. Maybe try the Haunted Home Renovation series by Juliet Blackwell.

Dear Bartleby - 4th book in the series, and in this one we are back to epistolary, romance, and a full novel length! My speculations were correct that I'd find epistolary + romance more enjoyable, and contrary to my usual tastes I do think the author writes better in 1st person. It unfortunately doesn't hide the fact that the author can't create any kind of personality for the secondary characters. Everyone can be boiled down to "X personality trait and interested in Y thing." As the novel got further into romance territory it definitely started to annoy me more - the romantic interest was nice, but I couldn't really tell you why they were in love. idk! Hoopla doesn't have the next book on audiobook so I've been forced to stop with the series, which is probably for the best.

Jackaby - look, I didn't *mean* to reread this entire series, but here we are. I picked up the first one because my print copies were on the potential chopping block, and I had positive memories of reading them (and the covers are so lovely). They were okay! I had a pleasant enough time, but I think that was in part because I'd read them before, and I kept picking them up because I was struggling to find other books to read (see: my dnf list for the month). I don't know if I'd have liked them if this was my first time through, but they're also in an odd spot where they were published as YA, but Abigail is treated as an (young) adult, and there are no other teenage characters. Who knows! The fourth book was a bit meh, not on its own necessarily, but as part of the series a lot of it came out of nowhere - I think this really could have used a book 3.5 to help in the transition to the endgame. Interesting, but leave this one to the teens, I think.

Jamaica Inn - I had mixed results reading du Maurier's Rebecca a few years ago, but found this at the library sale and decided to give her another shot. "Liked" is perhaps too strong of a word, but it kept my interest and I didn't speed the audiobook up to 2x, so I'd call it a success!

The Hallowed Hunt - so sad to be done with the Chalion novels! I still have the Penric & Desdemona novellas to work through at least, which I hope to do in 2025. I feel like I saw reviews saying this wasn't as good as the other two, and while I do think Paladin reigns supreme, this one didn't quite yuck me in some of the ways Curse did (and also was less confusing for not being the first book, lol), so I think I enjoyed the reading experience more. Did the weird, forbidden animal magic remind me fondly of the Farseer trilogy? Maybe. My only real wish is that Bujould would have let Lady Ijada say her own part.

The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy at All, Vol 1 - this was so cute!!! I've never read a manga before, so I can't compare it to other books. I struggled a bit to follow the text because there were multiple speech bubbles following different conversation threads, but! The characters were SO expressive, it was pretty easy to muddle along. The art is so great, and I loved the side characters of the overly-invested uncle and the classmate who totally ships it. Also maybe very obsessed with the gender of it all :D So glad my library had at least one copy of this for me to try, I think I'll probably end up buying my own copy and Vol 2 when it comes out in 2025.

These Old Shades - I've been wanting to try Georgette Heyer's work ever since I saw KJ Charles describe some of her own books as being "Heyer but gayer." This one I found at the thrift store and just happened to be one of the half-dozen my library has as an unabridged audiobook (library, why are so many abridged???), so here we are. I wish I'd liked it. It's no fault of the writing, and I certainly enjoyed the dramatic twists and reveals. My dislike largely lies with the main pairing of Leonie and the Duke, which starts out as servant & master, then guardian & ward and seems somewhat paternal, but inexplicably shifts to romantic, with much support from the other characters. I suppose it may have been considered within norms for the time period? But it really hit some of my squick points and yucked me out. I don't think you'll find me recommending this one, but I'm still willing to give Heyer another chance or two.

Balancing Stone - a brand new short story in the Greenwing & Dart series, starring Hope! Victoria still doesn't have many stories with female protagonists, so it's always nice to get a new one, and Hope is such a lovely person. Not much in the way of plot, but definitely provoking some thoughts about the old Alinorel religions (an ongoing theme) as well as a new outsider perspective on Jemis, which is always entertaining.

DNF

Bestiary (4%) - Picked this up entirely on a whim at the library book sale. I was intrigued by the magical realism of the description and the lgbtq tag, but the opening was very odd and I wasn't into it.

The Agony House (15%) - one of my four unread Cherie Priest books! This one was YA, which was already a point against it; the mc was a senior in high school but the tone of the writing was almost more middle-grade, which is not bad in itself; and the way the family was going about renovating their house annoyed me lol. I decided it probably wasn't going to be one I really liked and wasn't invested enough to keep going.

The Bone Maker (55%) - Very sad about this one! I read a number of Sarah Beth Durst's YA titles as a teen and was excited to see her put out her first adult title. It took me a while to get to this because I was waiting for my library to get the audiobook, and unfortunately I think I got around to it too late. I wanted to like this but the characters and story just never quite gripped me, and by the halfway point it was starting to feel like a slog. Since I also dnf'd Durst's more recent adult title The Spellshop the other month, I think it might be time for me to say goodbye to her work.

Siddartha (4%) - a paperback copy of this was gifted to me by a friend in college, and while unfortunately her track record has not been good so far, this is the first one I had to dnf! The audiobook version I picked had a nice introduction about the author, which I did like, but unfortunately the actual book just went in one ear and out the other and wasn't working. Me being tired, the language being poetic, and my unfamiliarity with the place and culture were a bad combination. Maybe I'll keep the print version on my shelf for another attempt.

The Morningside (35%) - I started this at work on a Friday and got along well enough, but come Monday I'd forgotten what I'd been reading and felt kind of meh about starting it back up. Story-wise it reminded me somewhat of 2 AM at the Cat's Pajamas (which I didn't like) and some worldbuilding/vibes of The Saint of Bright Doors (which I did). Not something I'd be opposed to trying again someday, but maybe I'll start with one of the author's other books first.

Why We Sleep (31%) - I wanted to read this, really! I think the subject is interesting and I also know that my sleep schedule is very, very bad, so personally it felt very relevant. Unfortunately listening to this on audio was putting me to sleep - the author actually took time to note, if this puts you to sleep, let it, he'd be pleased! Unfortunately I was listening at work, and that's a no-go lol. Maybe one I'll purchase in print and keep on my shelf to try again "someday".

[irrealisms]

svsss and sexual violence pt. 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence

standard disclaimer at the beginning: i am not saying that this is the Only thing svsss is about, or that other readings are invalid; i am not intending to character-bash most of the characters here (while i will freely admit to thinking e.g. old palace master or qiu jianluo are pretty one-dimensionally shitty, lots--probably most--of the characters in this series who i mention as perpetrating SA are characters who do have depths & who i in fact like a lot! despite this meta, or perhaps because of it, my second-favorite character is luo binghe, and i am in fact a bingqiu shipper!); and, obviously, huge fucking CW for sexual abuse and adjacent topics. this section is about 2k.

(also: shoutout to @rooses40stepskincareroutine for motivating me to actually write all this out!)

TABLE OF CONTENTS pt 1: shen yuan's realization of himself as a target pt 2: gender and homophobia pt 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence (you are here) pt 4: shen qingqiu's body pt 5: we live in a society

so, in parts 1 & 2 i talk a lot about bingqiu as a site of sexual violence & shen yuan as a victim. but to establish that this is a theme of the book as a whole i want to talk more about the sexual and sexualized violence done and experienced by other characters! this one will be broken into a few subparts lol

volume 3, chapter 16

one of the things i noticed is that a lot of this ramps up all in the same chapter--in chapter 16 of vol 3 (i'm working with the official translation; in the web novel this is chapters 59-63, and I don't know which parts are in the same vs different chapters), we get four different references to sexual abuse of/by different characters, of varying levels of explicitness. some of these, on their own, i wouldn't necessarily take as evidence of sexual abuse, and i don't necessarily stand behind all of these as definitive proof of sexual abuse for the characters on a fully watsonian level--but to have four references, all incredibly close together, after spending a lot of the book on scenes of sexual assault and sexualized violence, is not an accident of writing, either. this is supporting my take of svsss as broadly concerned with sexual violence, as a text.

the first two happen at the same time, and are the most explicit: old palace master.

No wonder the Old Palace Master had always been so good to Luo Binghe, to an almost unsettling extent. No wonder that Su Xiyan, despite being his most beloved disciple, had held absolutely no attachment to Huan Hua Palace and had readily betrayed her sect to run off with a demon youth without ever looking back. This “love” must not have been much different from molestation. And the Old Palace Master’s favorable interest in Luo Binghe was definitely founded in the shade of a former beloved disciple that the sect leader had seen in him. He had extended his perverse possessiveness of Su Xiyan to Luo Binghe, deluding himself into thinking he could groom Luo Binghe into an obedient darling child.

it is IMO explicit text from this (and from what we hear later of Old Palace Master, Su Xiyan, and Tianlang-jun) that Old Palace Master groomed, raped, and generally sexually abused Su Xiyan. It is also explicit text from this section and the section surrounding it, in which Old Palace Master looks at Luo Binghe like he would touch him if he had hands and talks about how he looks like his mother (there's feminization as a site of sexual abuse again!) and SQQ thinks about how OPM was unsettlingly doting on LBH and that he was "thinking he could groom Luo Binghe", that OPM wanted to sexually abuse LBH in the same way.

It is not canon whether he successfully did sexually abuse LBH in the same way, but, well... I observe that (a) Luo Binghe was part of Huan Hua Palace for a while post-abyss (b) after SQQ's death, Luo Binghe makes OPM into a human stick, which in PIDW he does to SQQ--his abuser (c) OPM comments on LBH looking most like SXY "when his eyes are closed", and it's not like he would have been lacking in access to asleep LBH while LBH was his ~beloved disciple~ at huan hua palace (d) SQQ, known Most Oblivious Man Alive who is terrible at identifying when people are sexually attracted to each other & thinks that LBH (both versions) is Immune To Abuse Probably, after, like, a page of seeing OPM interact with LBH (who isn't even conscious for it), is going "OPM groomed LBH". It's not conclusive, but it's really fucking suggestive. At the very least, he extremely textually really wanted to rape Luo Binghe. We've got some Unsettling Implications going on in there!!!

the third implication in this chapter is Qiu Haitang, witnessing Shen Jiu's past:

“It’s not possible… Not possible…” she said, her lips trembling. “It’s fake! It’s all fake! It wasn’t my brother. My brother didn’t do anything wrong—it couldn’t have been him! You’re lying!”

now, on its own this isn't obviously sexual, and whether the Qiu Jianluo-Shen Jiu relationship was sexually abusive at all is something that is left ambiguous through the end of the book, and which I will discuss further later in this post. But this is a major reference to that relationship, which is...well, whether it was sexually abusive was ambiguous, it's not an unambiguous "no" either. this is my weakest point of the four IMO but put next to the others i don't think it's nothing.

the last implication in this chapter is actually from Tianlang-jun, and it's one I haven't seen talked about at all:

“Peak Lord Shen, don’t forget, your immortal body was in our hands for no short amount of time,” Tianlang-Jun replied, his words quite suggestive and teasing both. “There’s really too much we could have done.”

this is in the context of having forced him to drink demon blood while he was unconscious--something that luo binghe did earlier in the book in a very sexualized manner, which was both emphasizing the threat of sexual assault and deliberately analogous to being sexual assault (it's a very literal, physical violation of autonomy). and TLJ is insinuating (suggestively!) that they could have done more, that they had SQQ's unconscious body for a long time, that they could have done anything with it. his words quite suggestive. again, i don't think we have an unambiguous "TLJ raped SQQ" here; i'm not sure if, on the watsonian level, I think that he did? but certainly we have strong implications and threat of sexual abuse. which, again, we are getting a LOT of. right in a row.

qiu jianluo & shen jiu

okay, i said i'd come back to them, right? it is...never stated that shen jiu was sexually abused. i have read and enjoyed interpretations where he isn't, even. but he was, very much, a slave--someone who has to do whatever their master tells them or get punished. someone who is not allowed to say no. the history of slavery, especially when you look at people who were slaves to families instead of companies/factories, is very obviously full of sexual abuse. one of the word choices i'm not sure if i'm reading too much into is that it refers to the slavers as "human traffickers"--which is a phrase that can be and is used for a lot of nonsexual slavery (construction and agriculture have huge human trafficking problems) but in english it does also have very sexualized connotations such that the first thing most people think of wrt human trafficking is specifically sex trafficking (and the implementation of "trafficking" as a word is very racialized, and the combination of these is such that I generally prefer avoiding it altogether and using "slavery", but that's a tangent). and shen jiu, who is a slave being abused by his master...kills all the men of the qiu household, is afraid of men, and only feels safe around women. his master tries to marry him off when he's fourteen and this is one of the inciting incidents of him snapping and killing everyone! can you read this as "he was, as we see onscreen, being physically abused by qiu jianluo, a man, who didn't physically hurt him when he was around qiu haitang, a girl"? sure, i guess. it's not definitive. but....again, they tried to marry him off when he was 14 and unable to say no; even if it didn't happen, that is enough for me to say that the threat of shen jiu being forced into sexual relationships is present in the QJL-SJ relationship. much like OPM and LBH, it's...certainly extremely suggestive, even if it's not onscreened, especially when paired with the novel's overall themes. i'd also like to draw attention to the following quote:

“Gege, he’s so much fun! No wonder you purchased him even though you’ve always hated bringing in outsiders. I rather like him.” Young Master Qiu smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “I too like him very much.” Upon hearing the word “like,” Shen Jiu couldn’t help but shiver.

(there's also something to say about his relationship with how he's iirc somewhat afraid of men even before the Qiu family buys him, and how his position as a slave begging on the street was also a very high-risk one, and about how his relationship with Wu Yanshi is clearly pretty predatory on Wu Yanshi's part + Shen Jiu at that point has no other support system, but that's more speculative; and there's a quote that i think fits better with the point i make in the next part but which provides additional support for shen jiu as having been raped.)

@regicidal-optimism also drew my attention to another very specific word choice that i'm not sure if i'm reading too much into--

Having witnessed the incident in its entirety, Shen Qingqiu was stunned. Such a brutal first time!

and...this is about SJ's first time killing someone. but "a brutal first time" without specifying is...well, it's a very, very specific wording choice, which is (IMO) clearly evocative of the way people discuss sex.

bing-ge

man i have enough to say about bing-ge (mostly wrt svsss's themes of gender) that it could really be its own full post BUT most of that would be a ~tangent. i'm pretty sure "bing-ge is a violent serial rapist" is, like, uncontroversial and i don't need to get textual evidence there, but for exactly that reason i didn't want to fully leave him out of discussion about sexual violence? so instead in this section i mostly want to draw attention to something that @wolffyluna pointed out to me last month, which is a section from book 1:

The girl thought, “Since I’m about to die, I must leave behind some memories to ensure that my life won’t have been in vain. I don’t have many days left, after all, so I won’t suppress my feelings anymore.” Then, using her weak and fragile body, she pushed Luo Binghe down. Luo Binghe put up a brief show of resistance before telling himself “She did it all for my sake. I don’t have the heart to reject her final wish.” He yielded, still half-reluctant, and went along with it…

this is...not framed by Shen Yuan, or presumably by PIDW, as rape. but it is at the very least dubcon, and it's most likely rape. resisting someone who is pushing you down and trying to have sex with you before yielding, "still half-reluctant", is not. good consent. that's sexual coercion and assault at the very least. but because he's a man--the epitome of masculinity, even! the great stallion novel protagonist, bing-ge!--this is framed as him progressing, as him gaining a wife. which is...really, really horrifying, and once again Says Some Things about how Shen Yuan sees gender. i also recommend these posts which were linked to me today by @rooses40stepskincareroutine about bing-ge and sexual violence!

gender

this is another short section but: something i noticed while writing this up is that the primary unambiguous case of sexual abuse (other than, well, bingqiu, but bingqiu is more complicated for other reasons) is that of old palace master and su xiyan; and that, at the end, when a crowd is decrying su xiyan (for, in large part, having been abused by old palace master), misogyny is a major part of it, and (for obvious reasons) his attempt to coerce her into an abortion bc her child is by someone he sees as a romantic rival is ... a very historically female sort of abuse to experience. given how deliberate mxtx is with gender/feminization and its ties to sexual abuse in svsss, and on a less positive note how few female characters she has, i think the choice to make the one "this character was, unambiguously and repeatedly, molested/raped/sexually abused" a woman who is then subject to sexist victim blaming and entitlement to her body is probably a deliberate one.

[miukki960]

Okay, so I just finished Love for Love's Sake and..... I have so many thoughts. I could wax poetic for hours about how much I loved the show, but right now what I really want to talk about is my theory on the ending and the whole concept of the "game."

Please bare with me as I don't make posts like this (or any at all for that matter) often. Please forgive me if it's incoherent, my thoughts tend to run faster than my fingers can type lol.

Here we go!

First, who is the author sunbae? I think he's the embodiment of death. When Myungha wished on the shooting star for 1. Someone to care for him and love him and 2. To disappear,he was wearing what I'm pretty sure is the same outfit as when we first see him in the bar back in episode 1. This leads me to believe Death heard his wish, so when Myungha decides to end his life and regrets his decision in the last moment, Death decides to give him a chance to change his fate.

So he creates the "game" based on a novel he supposedly wrote. I believe this is a false memory he gives to Myungha so he will willingly play the game and try to change his fate. Which leads me to my second point...

Myungha is the author. The show did a very good job at keeping this subtle at the beginning. We as an audience are led to believe he is simply transported into the videogmae world and is at the mercy of the dating sim, but they show us multiple times that that's not the case.

Once, when Myungha mentions that the missions are written in his handwriting, a second time when we get a flashback of him actually writing these missions in a notebook at the bar, and a final time when we see him pen the shows Ultimate Mission using the Author's Pen, "Please make Cha Yeowoon Happy."

I started to get the idea that Myungha was the author back in the first few episodes when we started to see the side missions. Every mission he got screamed to me "this mission is actually for you, not Yeowoon." What was the first thing he did when he was supposed to get Yeowoon more friends? He befriended Kyunghoon himself. Save 3,000,000 won? For himself. Get Yeowoon followers? Using HIS Instagram. Which leads to point number three....

The game Myungha is sent to is actually a reenactment of his senior year of high school. All the characters he meets are actual people in his earlier life, his grandma, Kyunghoon, Sangwon. But in his original "playthrough" he didn't bother to befriend or interact with them, so they went about their lives unaffected, and he forgot they existed. I say all this with the exception of Cha Yeowoon.

Cha Yeowoon is a mirrored reflection of Myungha created by Death and inserted into the game. Myungha said himself at the beginning that Yeowoon was his favorite character because he reminds him of himself. Later on, we learn that their backgrounds are almost identical too. Yeowoon lost his mother, has an absent runaway father, and was raised by his grandmother. Myungha has a dead father, absent runaway mother, and is being raised by his grandmother. So at the beginning when Death asks Myungha if he will change Yeowoon's fate and rewrite his story, he's really talking about Myungha.

Adding to this, I also noticed something rather spectacular narratively in the second half of the show. The whole show, we watched Myungha try and (mostly) succeed at making Yeowoon happy. But suddenly I realized, as we watched him get happier and happier, Myungha was falling deeper and deeper into a sadness rivaling how we saw Yeowoon in the beginning. We stopped seeing the calculations of Yeowoon's affection level, and instead saw error messages and system malfunctions, representing Myungha's emotional state.

Which begs the ultimate question on everyone's minds to be answered. If the whole point of sending Myungha back to his 19yo self and giving him Yeowoon was to get him to love himself and be happy, why were the system malfunctions so devastatingly awful and cruel? Answer: because Myungha is the author, and he's depressed and self-destructive.

He begins to feel happy with the changes he's made, he sees Yeowoon happier and he feels like he's succeeding, yet the countdown message to his death still appears. It's ominous and impending and a constant reminder that he's failing. So as the author, he tries to revert back to factory settings by getting rid of the major changes to his life, Yeowoon and his grandmother. The two people who love him most, and the two people he thinks he deserves the least.

Sangwon said it the best. Myungha's main issue is that he refuses to receive love, both from others and himself. Which is why he fails the game and dies a second time. He followed the missions for Yeowoon and refused to let them break down his own walls like they were ment to.

But Death does see the change in him through Yeowoon. Being Myungha's mirror, Yeowoon represents the change that was supposed to happen to Myungha. So when Myungha (the him he hates) deletes himself in order to make Yeowoon (the him he loves) happy ("please make Cha Yeowoon happy"), Yeowoon is able to go full-meta, breaking through the game and rewriting the mission to "Please make Tae Myungha happy."

Thus saving Myungha and allowing him a third chance at a happy life, where he receives just as much love as he gives.

Don't ask me about the "he comes back disjointed from Yeowoon's timeline" thing bc I don't understand it narratively but it sure does make for a visually pleasing ending.

[teriwrites]

November 2023: Beyond Alder Creek

Wordcount | 124,504 Status | Completed Draft, WIP

First Line

On the first day of spring, Bran Pewitt was determined to greet the season by spending the entire day outdoors.

Changes Between Drafts

While the general trajectory of this story remained the same between drafts, some of the finer details did end up getting a lot of turnover. Naming conventions shifted away from Welsh roots towards generic fantasy. Winnie's original ideals as an early feminist fighting for education rights, while fitting to her character as a whole, fell apart pretty quickly when she goes on to spend most of the story in a world where none of that is really all that relevant, so it was cut. Her early struggles in the start of the novel instead became struggling against the superstitions of her hometown as a skeptic of the fae. Which makes her meeting Taliesin a little contentious, and ultimately changed the nature of their initial deal to be less easily manipulated lol

There were a number of worldbuilding questions that I needed to clear up for myself before setting out on a second draft. Issues of making the Beyond weirder, tightening up its rules and how humanity interacts with it, how magic works, what truly separates the fae from humanity, stuff like that.

A lot changed between the first and second draft of BAC, and a lot stayed the same. While both stories follow more or less the same trajectory, I knew even while writing the first draft that the beginning needed some work. The pacing was weird, Winnie's real-world motivation revolved around the idea of making her an early feminist and fighting for educational opportunities while avoiding her mother's heavy hints that she needed to settle down and get married. None of which feels out of character, per se, but it definitely fell apart when she went on to spend most of the book in a fae world where none of that was really all that relevant. There were a lot of other, smaller details I worked on: trying to make the Beyond weirder, including more run-ins with various fae, altering some of the side characters, shifting the naming conventions from strictly Welsh to a more generic fantasy. But arguably the two biggest changes were Winnie's initial disbelief in the fae entirely and her deal with Taliesin. Here, her modern spirit shows up in her looking to distance herself from tradition and superstition, until she literally finds herself standing face to face with a golden man in a faerie ring. Which then sort of has her confronting ideas of modernism as refusal of tradition and heritage. Meanwhile, her deal with Taliesin shifts from something vague he proposes and she accepts on-the-spot ('I'll help you save your brother if you help me defeat this powerful fae') to something a little smaller that she takes time to craft herself ('I'll give you access to some specific parts of the Beyond you can't enter by yourself, if you protect and forewarn me of the trappings and tricks of the fae along our path').

Pre-Reading Thoughts

This draft may have the most drastic internally-differing quality of writing out of anything I've ever written. November 2023 has also earned itself the top spot in 'most difficult times I've written 50K in 30 days'. This might make me sound like an asshole, but when you've completed that task 12 times before, it becomes pretty easy to lose sight of the challenge of it. Not to say that writing that much is ever easy, but a lot of the stakes and self-doubt that you might feel when you're participating for the first time, or the first several, aren't really present anymore. Especially when the past few years have sailed along smoothly. So cue my horror when, on day three, my cubital tunnel started flaring up. Badly. 'Cannot type 1,667 words a day' badly. 'Cannot type more than 250 words a day' badly. 'Probably shouldn't be typing at all' badly. I don't think anyone, including myself, would've blamed me too harshly for deciding to drop out for the year. But I'm stubborn. And a little obsessive. I wasn't dropping out until every avenue available had failed. Which is how I wound up making a deal with my worst enemy: dictation. I hate dictating. Storytelling never feels half as natural coming out of my mouth as it does my hands. But it was that or nothing. So I dictated a couple chapters. Trying to maintain the same quality work while dictating as while typing was impossible. Hitting 15K was simultaneously the most elated and most devastated I've ever been during November; it showed off my progress, while taunting me with how much farther there still was to reach that elusive 50K. So I adapted. Again. I grabbed a rubber ducky and sat it in front of me, turned dictation on my phone's notes app (my laptop at the time had no access to its audio jack or its built-in speakers or microphone), and explained the first chapter to the duck. And then the second. Eventually, I was able to start typing up some of the story on my phone, and things evened out a little more. But the majority still involved sitting on my bed, talking into my phone and correcting its many, many, many errors. Every single day, I was forced to try keeping up with par in the hours between getting out of work and going to bed. Which was fine, some days, and Herculean, on others. I honestly felt like Sisyphus for the entire month: that damn boulder just kept escaping me. Even up until the 30th, I wasn't totally convinced I was actually going to cross the finish line. But then I did. I hit 50,000 words. I think I was even able to type up the last few on my Scrivener file, where I'd been importing everything at the end of the day. I hit the 50K, and very nearly cried, and didn't touch the document again until my flare-up had entirely passed and I could safely type again. Logically, I know that that month wasn't actually one of the hardest in my life, and it's probably not the highest achievement I've ever had. Especially considering the whole thing was self-inflicted and entirely voluntary. But I'm so proud of myself for having done it, and a masochistic part of me was thrilled to once again see the challenge for the truly daunting feat it is.

[violivs]

NMTDaily: Tricking Ben

This does deviate from the watching as aired schedule, but since the Candle Wasters sent out an email for it at this point in NMTDaily, I will liveblog Tricking Ben.

The short film style makes this the only piece of canon NMTD/LLL content that isn't shot in vlog format. Instead we have the omniscient view on characters who don't know an audience can see them. I am still so sad that I will never see any more scenes shot like this for these characters, because that's the only way I'd have gotten to see all the serious Beadick conversations in Lolilo that I wanted to see.

The film still starts with a fakeout vlog beginning, which is interesting. This is the only time we ever see Pedro independently starting to make a video himself, apart from his appeal to John later on in NMTD, and of course it's to show off Balthazar's music.

HOW is Balthazar allowed to just start playing guitar in the library? How are the boys allowed to have a loud conversation in the library? This whole part is just an exercise in suspension of disbelief that a librarian didn't yell at them.

I like that the colors of the Tricking Ben title card match the colors on Ben's shirt! Fun little detail.

Ben is very awkward around Hero here. They're not yet the friends they will one day be. Aww.

"I bet he has your name saved in his phone with little hearts around it." Yeah, and I bet post-NMTD Ben will have Beatrice's name in his phone with little sparkle-heart emojis all around it!

Ahh, Claudio couldn't meet Ben where he said they'd meet, because then he'd have to walk him right into the conversation instead of letting him overhear it. I see.

Ben is so confused, poor baby.

The books are an Easter egg! The one on the bottom of the stack is called "Benediction", and the next one up is "The Dating Game", I think? The next one up is called How to Love, and the top one is clearly a romance novel by someone called Catherine Coulter, though I can't make out a title. Google says she writes romantic suspense and historical romance. Fitting.

Was that girl looking at books the same actress who played Claudio's new girlfriend in Lolilo? It looks like her. Can you imagine going to the same school as the NMTD crew, hearing all the gossip about what happened to Hero, and then still choosing to date Claudio the next year? Damn, girl.

It's definitely her, that's why they have her say hi to Claudio and Claudio run away from her awkwardly!

Claudio is hardcore panicking. He is not good at being sneaky. So that'll be the other reason he couldn't see Ben face-to-face before the overhearing happened- he wouldn't have been able to act normal enough to avoid making Ben suspicious.

"You know how everyone's unnecessarily obsessed with you?" OMFG the song is An Ode, this is not a drill!!!

Ben just drops his entire bag next to some random kid before going to hide? Take that with you, you don't know when you'll be able to go back for it!

His immediate panic face is excellent, lol.

Here is a gifset I made commemorating Ben's excellent faces in this video. It's basically my analysis of all his faces right in one post.

Leo saving the day! Claudio blurted out that thing about Bea making a vlog, so of course the first thing Ben does is get his phone to look for the video. And Leo thinks fast enough to clarify that she never posted it. That could've totally compromised the plan.

Claudio is SO bad at this.

The book that falls on Ben is called L-L-L-Loser, a Lolilo reference.

John is here! I love how he looks up, like, "Is this intel I'll need for my Plan? Oh, no, nevermind."

There are so many other people here, how did this conversation not get reported back to Beatrice? I bet it's because people who don't know her are wisely too scared of her to bring it up.

"Ben is so brave, and funny, and tall, what shall I DO??!!" Matthew J Smith is the MVP of this one, folks. Hilarious. Also, why would Claudio's first thought be "brave"? Ben hasn't done his brave thing yet, and it's standing up to Claudio!

Okay, thank you, the librarian DOES yell at them. Realism.

I just can't get over how terrified Claudio looks right now. He is so stressed. He looks like he thinks even moving a muscle will blow the secret right now.

I will never get over Ben hiding in the tree in this bit. He has to know they could see him by just turning around. Comically bad hiding place.

The way Ben is holding himself as he sneaks over to the tree, too. It's like, "if I just make myself small and quiet they won't notice me." You are too tall for that, honey, it's not helping.

He did remember to go back for his backpack, though!

It's cute that Balthy and Pedro's outfits match! Red and blue!

Balth is so bemused by Pedro asking about and complimenting the chord he's playing, aww.

Ben's like "SHIT no if he texts me they'll hear my phone!" The facial expressions in this video, truly gold.

His shirt brings out his eyes. Even when they're bugging out in panic, lol.

Awww I love how sad Ben looks at the idea that he'd ruthlessly tear Bea apart for liking him. In my gifset, I summed it up as, "No, I wouldn't enjoy hurting her, and I'm sad you all think I would." <3

"Poor little Ben just can't see what's right under his nose." Says Pedro, while sitting right next to the boy he doesn't know he has a crush on. And while, from Ben's point of view, not realizing Ben himself is right under his nose (or above his head) as well.

"She's so smart." "Yeah, except for loving Benedick." We love lines adapted directly from the play!

"Having a crush can be a nice thing, though." "I don't think it's that kind of crush, Balthy-boy." This makes me so incredibly sad, because it HAS to be foreshadowing to Lolilo and how Balthazar's crush on Pedro goes from something nice that feels good to something incredibly angsty and drawn-out and painful for both of them. :(

Ben's watch going off and the boys pretending not to notice, lol

Like Hero and the girls' conversation for Bea to overhear, the boys' conversation also involves pretending to consider telling one person about the other's crush, then deciding they shouldn't interfere.

I do love imagining the boys pitching this whole thing to Leo, though. And Leo being all in because he and Hero have been saying to each other for months that Bea definitely secretly likes Ben.

Ben sneaks off with the MOST ADORABLE little smile! He loves her! Awwww I wanna squish him!!!!

Hero and Claudio debrief and Claudio calls her a legend for stealing Bea's phone. It hurts my heart how cute they are right here. There are no undertones of Claudio's possessiveness and misogyny present, they're just two kids who like each other. If they'd gotten together after Claudio grew up more and unlearned some stuff, they might even have worked out. :(

Of COURSE Bea has Ben saved in her phone as "Dickface". As soon as they get together I bet she changes it to read just “💕Dickface💕” 😆

Shut UP the end credits music is the instrumental to Way To Tell You!!!! Beatrice’s song for Ben! Ending with an acknowledgement that her feelings for him really do turn out to be real!!!

The comments say there’s also an instrumental of Beatrice You’re Vivacious near the end of the short before the credits, which is precious too.

Oh my god, end credits shot of the books, and the historical romance novel is called THE DUKE!!! Amazing. Also the How to Love book is by Katie Cotugno! I’ve read one of her other books, it had bi rep and I liked it a lot.

Harriett as Director of Photography! I love that these projects gave her a place to learn she prefers to be behind the camera and practice that. I hope she’s doing well.

The credits end on a picture of Harriett and Jake hugging, NO ONE TOUCH ME

They had the sweetest friendship and I hope they still do. Angels.

I am now in mourning again because this is the last time I ever got to see Benedick Hobbes on my screen, and the last time I ever will, so far as I can guess. *cries forever* MY BABYYYY

You all already know I have no chill when it comes to him, don’t look at me. *burritos up in a blanket to sulk*

No but I love Tricking Ben so much and I am so glad they made it for us!!!

Wait, shit, since when did TCW have a patreon?! I’m sure it’s defunct now, but did anyone used to subscribe? Were there any good extras on there? DID I MISS ANY BEADICK CONTENT????!!!!

Comments roundup: Balth was the first to play off the Ode as a joke here; Ben’s “what? What?” was a Tenth Doctor reference; just so much love for these characters and series; Matthew J Smith responding jokingly to a Claudio-centric comment!

💖🥭🦩

[mollish-art]

Mollish, what kind of five stars dish are you cooking with the chapter?!

Let me get this straight: You have reached the 100 pages mark, and (if you haven't already past it) have written, atleast, 80k words.

For those who are like "that not a lot", let me put this into prespective.

Firstly, "The Great Gatsby" is a novel that has a count of **looks at Google* about 47k words (if you don't want the unrounded number, there are 47.094), as indicated by the source.

Secondly, a 100 pages are A LOT. It's true that depending on style of the font and how big it is, it can affect the canvas. Let's say that Mollish writes with the standard Calibri 12 Word offers when booted up. A single page can hold an small introduction, a text body about 3-4 paragraphs and a conclusion. All that is about 200-300 words. Do you see what I mean?

Finally, if you still haven't seen what I mean, is that those hundred pages and 80k words are NOT different chapters. These. Are. For. A. Singular. Chapter.

In conclusion, Mollish (aka, you, yes you, the one who is reading this) has written more words than a novel, the book itself is more or less as long as a children's book [a 100 pages is about a half an inch (???) ( about 7 milimetres or 1 whole centimetre)], and is doing all of this for a chapter of a fanfic for an AU about a project a creachur that films themselves playing games named "Ranboo" made, just because she feels like it.

We must appreciate the work and time she has putted behind the writting ( AND drawings) for Unperson.

Let me just say "Thank you Mollish for creating the AU and lending it the time and care it needs to grow."

Sorry for writting the Bibel lol, have a nice day!

PS: Watch Chapter 5 be longer than the other four chapters combined xD.

Awww thank you so much for the kind words!! That's very sweet of you :) I really appreciate it! I'm having such a fun time with the story and I'm just really happy that I have the opportunity to share it with you guys! <3

I know I've been saying it for weeks now, but I promise I'm nearly done! Today I finally hit the 100 page mark and have just passed 42,000 words (making the entire fic nearly 100,000 words long!) :D

As there was so much I needed to do with this chapter (you'll see what I mean by that when it releases), I had to make it really long. I doubt chapter 5 will be anywhere near the same length, but of course I can't say for sure until I'm actually writing it lol

I should be finished with writing Chapter 4 in the next few days, and then I pass it on to my beta reader for edit suggestions. While they're reading it, I can use that time to finish working on the cover art and the (many) website updates that will accompany the chapter itself!

The corresponding audiobook chapter won't be out for a while yet as after I release this chapter I need to actually record an entire audiobook for a client (yippee!!), but as soon as that's done I'll get on to dubbing my own work again (and then of course beginning work on Chapter 5)!

Thank you all again so much for your patience and support, especially through this prolongued hiatus. The wait has been a lot longer than I anticipated, but so is the chapter, so hopefully that makes up for it haha

See y'all sooooooon!~

[brain-rot-central]

Sonnet was mentioned by @deadly-diminuendo, @bardic-inspo, and @paganwitchisis! Thank you guys so much -- stealing the game from you, if you don't mind!

words posted: 67,589 additional words written: (nothing as of yet; taking a brain break for today lol) grand total of words: 67,589

fandoms: BG3, Dragon Age

highest kudos: Sonnet of the Lone Cardinal, sitting at 510! <3 highest hit oneshot: Possession, at 7,168 new things I tried: Started a longfic (Sonnet), a new fandom, and just allowed myself to be more creative this year. fic I spent the most time on: Definitely Sonnet, and my pegging fic. I distinctly remember sitting on my couch trying to finish that one up as quickly as possible lol. fic I spent the least amount of time on: A Moment's Respite; really started as an idea tossed around with friends and I wanted to write a short, sweet scene. favorite thing I wrote: I'm still currently writing Sonnet; there was a line I wrote for Tav in chapter 10 as she's arguing with AA:

“Is that what I’m to do, Astarion? Piece everything together and just assume how you feel? Like a dog that waits patiently for scraps at the dinner table?”

Also this one:

“Should I take a page out of your book then, and lie to your face?” Tav realizes she's playing with fire the more she pushes, but she can't help herself. The smell of raw, open wounds fills her; she finally has him cornered. “Would you rather I fall to my knees and swear fealty to you, all while brandishing a dagger behind my back? Is that in more of a language you understand?”

You ever write something, read it back to yourself and go "oof yeah. that's it. that's so fucking it"? Ngl was real proud of myself after that lmao.

favorite thing(s) I read: I'm absolutely loving @cursedhaglette's new fic Requited. It's a DAI retelling from dual POVs between Solas and her oc Morinne Lavellan. It contains spoilers for Veilguard, so if you haven't played that yet or are planning on doing so, just a word of caution. It's sweet, thoughtfully, and the slow burn is killing me. The fire was just recently sparked in her latest chapter and my god is it good. Definitely something to read if you're a Solavellan fan!

Midnight at Skyhold by LadyDanya on Ao3. Where the fuck do I begin? A Cullen/Female Trevelyan fic; he's crushing on the Inquisitor but doesn't think he's enough as is to face her. Varric also decided to litter copies of his latest smut novel around Skyhold, leaving all the women in a tizzy. Cullen gets his hands on a copy after hearing Trevelyan's praise about it and decides to take a few pages out of the book to help him out. Idk the whole concept makes me insane in a good way. It's unfinished but where the author left off is more than sufficient of an ending.

You'll hate me (make love) by @astarionfreak AA x Tav post-break up fic. They're dying and their last wish is to have the rogue they fell in love with make love to them one final time. I absolutely love this fic though it also makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

writing goals for 2025: not really writing but I hope to put more energy into reading more fic. If I'm actively writing, I find it hard to simultaneously read fic because then I start comparing myself to what I'm reading and psyche myself out of writing. Absolutely no one's fault but mine, I know, and I apologize for it. But that's the truth lol. But I hopefully will finish Sonnet by the end of the year. We're about halfway done. And idk, maybe allow myself the space to think of an original work? I'm not the best with world building but I've also never allowed myself to explore the possibility of writing something entirely from my own brain. Hopefully I can unshackle it this year and come up with something. Will it ever see the light of day, who knows. But everyone should be able to dream, yes?

Opening this up to all to participate!!

[lucy-the-cat]

Priority List (Factoring in Poll)

Rereading the Iliad - I need to get Castor and Pollux's characterizations right, which means consulting the source material. On book 17, will prob finish in a week or two (hopefully a few days so I don't have to take out a new copy bc I'm returning home).

Writing Daughter of Zeus - still stuck on chapter six, making progress. Will prob take min all summer to get the first draft out

Answering asks - I'm almost finished with my backlog from a few months ago, just need to finish the swoonworthy mareven moments one which I need my copy of book one for that I left at home . . . so finishing up with a week or two bc I go home on wednesday. I did get one long ask recently and six more asks this morning and another one as I was typing this so this is still a priority but not really one I think I have to announce

Bday present for a friend - first priority after DoZ and the Iliad bc May has hit. Back up plan is to show her what I have of my first draft of DoZ if it's not finished by her bday, might show her anyway as a bonus lol, as well as what I have of my Hera poetry collection bc she wrote me a novel for MY birthday, which is insane (affectionate). With a few notes about some of the jank in it of course. Hopefully finished on Wednesday on the ride home (several hours, I'm not driving) but you won't see it til the end of May.

Stay in the Light - May 9th maybe? May 10th? physical classes have ended, papers due on the 5th, extension potentially to 6th with missing assignments due on the 10th

Rebel's Song - next chap by May 14th prob

Blood Deep - Same, or the 21st

Iron Will - the 17th? the 28th? we'll see

Second bday present for a friend - will start on the first day of June, will move to after DoZ on June 21st. Start of a fun longfic, will prob take a while to conclude. Trust me, you'll like it

Red Ruse first draft edits - finally at a place where I might make changes, we'll see. proper update (like a new chapter) by the end of June I think.

Red Ruin chapter one - First week of July at the earliest, but it won't be posted until the whole fic is halfway done.

Blood of the Covenant chapter three - Update by early June

God's Cursed - June 7th?

renegade - finish by June 14th I think, will save for Maven's Birthday

bad ideas and champagne bottles - idk june 21st? Mareven week day 5, pretty simple

Roman Holiday - I thought I would have more trouble writing this bc of my medical issues with NSFW stuff atm, but I've been scrolling through some NSFW tags and got ~ I N S P I R A T I O N ~, and I think I can combine them with some good character moments. Posted in June, maybe even May

Solar Eclipse chapter two - low-ish on the list, also in the process of discovery writing. update July 1st? Maybe before that

Jon POVs of Canon - shaping up to be a multi part series, like 3-5 oneshots. Will post one every week of October leading up to Halloween, so starting new ones in July. Finished first one lol

another friend bday gift - part of an ongoing series, might take a lot of words lol. Finish end of June? post in August

fourth friend bday gift - non rq fandom, mythology related, will share with her in August

first new Lover's Curse chapter - Beginning of July

Newblood Queen - pains me how low this one is on the list, but you voted. July 7th? 14th?

So like 12-14 (I counted like three different numbers) updates by July 14th scattered across that many fics (a lot of them are being saved for later/or are related to originals). I think I can do this now that I have free time and less pressure. Hopefully I get more out because I want to have some long fics finished by the end of the year . . . anyway

[nellie-elizabeth]

Thanks @awildwickedslip for the tag!

I think I've answered this or a similar prompt like many many years ago but I want to do it again because I've kept writing!

1. How many works on AO3? 107

2. Total word count on AO3? 2,076,505

(holy shit lol)

3. Top five fics by kudos?

tales from a bookshop (Good Omens) 8,690 Kudos

Lover's Touch (The Magicians) 2,067 Kudos

Promises (The Magicians) 1,055 Kudos

Maybe This Time (The Magicians) 1,022 Kudos

The Point of You and Me (Good Omens) 783 Kudos

I think it's funny that 2/5 of these are my only two Good Omens fics, since that's really not what I typically write at all lol. Also I'll never surpass my brief flash-in-the-pan popularity for the top one... over 8,000 kudos... yeesh.

4. What fandoms do you primarily write for?

atm I'm in a real dry spell. But, The Magicians and Roswell, New Mexico are the two I'm most active in, in the recent past / "currently" if I could just get myself to come up with new words lol

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! Almost always!

6. Angstiest ending?

I wrote Queer as Folk fic once where Justin died, but tbh I like the angst to go in the middle and then everyone gets to be happy in the end.

7. Fic with the happiest ending?

a work of fine art was my happiness magnum opus in my own opinion, the whole thing is just a big long Queliot and then eventual Marqueliot smut-fest where all three of them are happy and safe and rich and get to follow their dreams and have lots of amazing sex with each other. One of my more underrated fics, I feel like y'all are missing out on this one... hehe.

8. Do you get hate?

I have, but not as a rule. There was a troll in the Roswell fandom who came at me a few times.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes! Not exclusively, but the majority of my projects, if it's not just a quick lil' one-shot, is going to have sex in it to some degree.

10. Do you write crossovers?

No. I've never crossed over characters from multiple properties before. I have done the thing where I wrote the characters of one thing into a plot or world of another. (My Queliot When Harry Met Sally AU is one of the works of which I am the most proud.)

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

At this point, as strange as it is to say, yes! A few times.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes! With @portraitofemmy, our mega-giant Roswell, New Mexico series is co-written.

14. All time favorite ship?

uhhhhhhh. Mean. Kirk/Spock? But if we're doing stuff that I've been more actively involved in as a writer, then Queliot probably.

15. WiPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I'm going to cheat on this one a little bit because I haven't actually posted these incomplete works, but they're sitting in drafts and I want to get somewhere with them... I have this Hedge AU Magicians thing where the beginning parts are written and I think it's really hot and fun but it needs a lot of plot and idk if I have the energy.

16. Writing strengths?

Dialogue... and I've been told I'm funny? Which is cool. Probably also just melodramatic angsty moments, I love to indulge.

17. Writing weaknesses?

All the shit that more polished and skilled writers in craft can do but that I write fic to avoid doing: specificity of detail in the setting/atmosphere, making the world feel "real" outside of the character's heads. Idk if I'm explaining this well lol. A magic trick I do not possess.

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

I haven't really done it beyond like, a word or two in Spanish or something when it made character sense? Honestly it usually feels unnecessary as part of the prose, unless there's a really specific reason to do it, instead of just indicating "so-and-so said in [language]" while keeping it in the dominant language the piece is written in.

That said, I've been reading War and Peace recently and I'd argue that's a good example of why writing a novel in two languages was like... important. So. There are exceptions.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Twilight.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

This answer changes a lot but honestly I gotta shout out my last Magicians longfic, where the real road lies, which I think has some of my finest writing and features the boys at their true messiest. Still has a happy ending tho.

Tagging whoever wants!

[andbrokenmemories]

full murderbot thoughts post

Alright! Finished with Book 7 of Murderbot, System Collapse, and collected my thoughts on the series.

Maybe one day I'll do one last round-up to read novellas and maybe write a Properly Structured Review Innit, so for now this is gonna be the messy notes version of this. Let me give a paragraph or two of review-y thoughts, here, though. Set the stage and all.

So: I liked them a lot! I wouldn't ever say I struggle with sci-fi, but I think in practice I struggle with sci-fi. For other genrefic novels, tropes i Enjoy the Consumption of can usually keep my interest alive long enough; like, Black Sun and Fevered Star didn't light me on fire, but there was a lot of dynamics and play within the space that I could consistently enjoy and keep. Chewing down the line on. real strawberry lace fiction. real gummy worm fiction

Sci-Fi usually struggles more with that, I guess. Or, rather, I don't enjoy genrefic sci-fi for sci-fi's sake? There is, i think, a needle to thread of Good Spec-fic, of "oooh literature on a Weird Way of Existing". that style can keep me hooked, and Murderbot Diaries manages that with all the intricacies of the SecUnit experience. and also you can just have a lot to say! and murderbot has a lot to say! overall 8.5 out of 10. book 1 is a 9 out of 10 (yippeee strained relations distrust etc); book 2 is an 8.5 out of 10 (ART good); book 3 is a 7 out of 10 (i dont really remember those people); book 4 is an 8 out of 10, book 5 is an 8.5 out of 10 but i think it'd be a bunch higher if i didnt find the middle a bit bloated; book 6 is a 7.5/10, book 7 is an 8/10. loose thoughts from my journal from here on. spoilers for the whole series begin in earnest.

I like murderbot diaries the most when its reasonably omniscient, dynamic feeling, with a bunch of pieces moving around; and when those pieces are the psychology of murderbot as it navigates shit. i popped the fuck off when at the start of the long one [that's Network Effect] we got an interlude of murderbot interacting with mensa and her family and Caring and augh. ouagh.

WE HJAVE TO PUT ON THE BEST DAMN TALENT SHOW THI S COLONY HAS EVER SEEN!!!! [this was right when i got to the documentary part of the last book lol]

what if the other sec units went stereotypical serial killer robot and murdered all their handlers. like yes i get an argument against that that goes down the line of “and then we wont be able to extract from the situation and everyone gets killed in retribution” but, also, i feel like early in this series there was a lot of text talking about how sec units don't actually. think like that. in real life. I dont know, maybe i havent adjusted to a Thematic Choice where actually that was unreliable narration, but i find my brain getting caught up on that every time. like comparing how murderbot talks about how sec units think early in the series to later on. bwah.

anyway [in regards to the end of Exit Strategy] something very unique but kind of hash tag relatable about an extended sequence of a character reconstructing their memories from base principles, all sortakinda drunk. seeing all those cute and Telling and I See How It Is moments, which i derived a lot of value from, really fun capper to a book. good times. and then they hit 100% and the microwave goes Ding and they sit right up in bed and go Damn. That was stupid. I'm leaving.

when the panopticon surrounds you on every level and you have a lot of time to think on your self and your connection to your self and gain access to every system that makes you up and makes you you and all you can manage to acheive with it is the recreation of the panopticon within the self. and being without the panopticon is uncomfortable and foreign and strange. when the character does not allow the narrative to woobify them. 😍

ships you can talk to (who talk back only in concepts) are a gender by the way. that first scene [at the end of All Systems Red] of Murderbot working out its take on the all of it to a ship who can't really talk back, and was more or less the default “easily Manipulated bot pilot” that we just kind of sidestep each time going forwards, but like. was also the Same Thing as Mbot in not having anyone to really talk this out with. we are both on the same level. we, two, have not been taught to sell our class, our people out to the humans; we can be Niceys to one another. you can seek that out and find it. there are glimmers and moments like that throughout the whole series going forwards. which kind of makes hanging out with the humies boring unless they're one of the like 3-4 that i feel have an Interesting Social Dynamic with murderbot

following on from that, i immediately started visualising ARTs feed-self as a Kirby Endboss mass of glowing, dazzling, flowing dials/lenses/clocks towering over everyone else. with speech bubbles violently louder than everyone elses. Like that was how my brain went “how would the graphic novel get this Concept of ‘I could squish you like a bug with one instant of thought you are nothing to me you little it/its freak’ across". and its good. its good

[in regards to Network Effect, and trying to sum up my whole feelings on 2.0]: Whoops! Your clone headmate you made underbaked on purpose came out with ADHD and joié de vivre and is kicking its feet up and down in its partition watching comfort media while you go through the shit that made the Expanse expand. that made the signal is. that made the Space [face/off-style pause] Dead

So, what're my big takeaways with the whole series? Everyone trying to Do Therapyspeak on Murderbot and it usually Not Working is nice. There is something wrong with you, and that's not like a puzzle to be unraveled, but the perspective the text then takes on everything else. this world isn't, like, Fascinating and realized with any special flair, but you get to have moments where Murderbot exposits how fucked shit is to other people, or judges a situation it's bitter about as people around it get Fucked Over, and it's just like. It's a fun level of fucked up, in a way, sure, but it's also those moments of like. Ah. Murderbot does not set out to be protagonist-ly about this world, to be deeply critical, to wikia-mode about it all. Only to be constantly drawn to such anyway, to being Bitter and having to exposit to make certain points land because it needs certain points to land because. shrugs, gestures. The World. All of it. but then we go back to like “Hey do you think you have trauma maybe?” “FUCK you” and it's consistent and that's all chewy in a way I find nice. It's nice. We're having a niceys time. smile emoji

[coolcataetheryte]

I've never posted a fanfic on this platform before, so sorry if anything looks weird. The characterization may be a bit iffy *shrug* I wrote this at like 3am. Also, I don't write smut often, so I expect this to feel about the level of a cheesy romance novel, and maybe that's fine. Can you imagine Estinien on the cover of one of those?

Summary: The WoL is feeling burnt out and lonely, Estinien shows up and helps her relax.

Pairing: Delphinium(WoL)xEstinien

Rating: NC-17

Tags: first time, uuuh size kink i guess? Barely, basically pwp, minor plot, I'm not sure what else. I don’t do this often, sorry lol so i’m not sure what should be tagged

Word count: 3,250

Delphinium sighed as she closed the door to her inn room behind her. The sound of the other scions’ drunken merrymaking muffled to a whisper and she was thankful for it. Of course, she loved celebrating a job well done as much as the next adventurer but once things got too loud and rowdy, it was time to make her exit. The boisterous cheering and laughter and music was just too overwhelming.

She took a few deep breaths then simply stood there, staring at nothing really. The room was a bit stuffy and her clothing felt stifling. Her rapier felt heavy at her hip. She was exhausted.

She finally peeled herself from the door and laid down her weapon on the bench. Her fingers brushed her harp as she withdrew her hand. She stopped and gave it a long look. She hadn’t played it since becoming a red mage some time ago. It was gathering dust and probably had fallen out of tune. Tired as she was, maybe a little bit of mindless work would do her well. She picked it up gently and sat down right where she was on the floor. The old wooden boards creaked slightly under her. She began cleaning and tuning the neglected instrument, all other noises fading into the background and her mind fell more at ease as she focused. Her fingers worked meticulously. Her ears missed nothing, quickly fixing any sour notes. Her scaly tail swished gently behind her the more she got into it.

Quite some time had passed when she gave the harp a satisfied nod. The noise from the lobby had disappeared. They’d finally decided to call it a night. That meant it was likely around midnight now. She hadn’t meant to stay up so late but admittedly, doting on the harp had somehow given her a bit of a second wind. She looked around the room absently, fingers just barely touching the strings and creating a mere whisper of song. What should she do now? Her eyes fell back on the instrument in her hands. It’d been a while since she sang. While less so than playing the harp, as she did sing to herself on occasion, she hadn’t truly sang and she began to feel like perhaps she should.

She loved singing. She always had. It was why she initially sought the way of the bard to begin with. To use song in battle had started to strip the joy from it, however. A side effect she never would have expected. That was the reason she turned to the blade. The others of course had questioned her decision. She played her role as bard well, and no doubt they enjoyed to hear it even if their focus was battle and not her performance. She’d told them it was simply to strengthen herself and feel more helpful with damage. It wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the whole, intimate, personal truth that she had never told anyone.

In a swift motion she stood with the harp and made her way across the room to open the door to the balcony. The night was crisp and quiet, with naught but a few insects disrupting the silence. Her chest swelled as she breathed deep of the cool air. It was only when a small shiver ran through her that she realized she’d been sweating. She paid no mind and began to string together notes that drifted into the night. Then her sweet voice joined in. It was an old song. One she didn’t even remember learning. It was simply part of her core despite having few memories from before her arrival in Gridania on that carriage. A lullaby from her people she presumed, with its soft melody and lilting sung notes.

Her song faded into an echo as she finished. A small smile graced her lips.

“That was lovely.”

She nearly jumped out of her scales at the sudden voice. Normally it was difficult to startle the Warrior of Light but Estinien had a way of catching her off guard randomly. Had he been there the whole time? Why did he jump onto her balcony of all places? He was probably lost. She gave him an exasperated look before turning on her heel to return to her room. His footsteps followed behind her.

“My intent wasn’t to frighten you,” he said.

He seemed sincere but she could hear the mirth in his voice. Yet somehow she couldn’t bring herself to tell him to leave. Without a word she placed the harp in its previous resting spot. She found herself simply standing and staring at nothing again.

The material of Estininen’s trousers caught gently on one of her tail spikes and she became aware of his presence directly behind her. He was close, a hair’s breadth from her back.

“What is it,” he asked. “You only stand about like this when something is on your mind.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder and that was all it took for her demeanor to completely break away. She relaxed back against his body with a sharp sigh, her head resting just barely at his navel.

“Delphinium?”

He sounded concerned. She gently placed her hand over his. His hand felt so large. She imagined what they might be like holding her more intimately. She quickly shoved those thoughts to the back of her mind. Sure, they had their banter, and yes, many knew it was flirtatious but that was all it had ever been and this.. was entirely too comfortable. She couldn’t afford herself this. She suddenly wanted desperately to move away from him but she was stuck between him and the bench. She decided on a side step but, in her exhaustion, quite embarrassingly caught the edge of Estinien’s boot. He caught her with ease before she could fall to the ground. Their eyes met, and for a moment there was nothing in the world but the concern in his eyes as they searched her own.

Her breath hitched when she was pressed against him. Her feet left the floor, and it took her a moment to realize he had lifted her to crush her against his chest in a tight embrace.

“Whatever it is,” he said quietly. “I hope that you would trust me enough to tell me.”

The dam broke. She gripped his tunic as her tears streamed down cheeks. Estinien held tighter and gently lowered to sit on the floor as she sobbed into his chest. She easily fit into his lap.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out. “It’s just all been so much. I’ve done so much in so little time. I barely have any time to rest. I always have to be strong for everyone. I’m just so..tired.”

He said nothing but continued to hold her close. A hand stroked her hair gently. After a while, she calmed, taking deep breaths.

“You must think so little of me now,” she chuckled dryly. “The great hero, crying like a child.”

“No,” he said. “I know how much you hide your emotion. You bear quite a burden and you seldom let anyone see what you truly feel. I know how I seem, but I do understand you.”

She looked up at him at his words. Being half his size, she’d never seen his face so close before. She’d also never been so vulnerable with anyone, yet here she was looking so deeply at him with tear stained cheeks. He used a thumb to wipe a tear from her eye, then his hand drifted to caress her cheek. His thumb dared to ever so gently brush across her lip, the pink of her lipstick leaving a faint streak on his skin.

It was Delphinium that closed the distance between their lips. She gave in to the desire she held since she first battled alongside him on the bridge. He didn’t resist her, secretly having had the same thoughts since that moment. He’d cast them aside as he continued to focus on his revenge, but now there was nothing to hold him back. He helped her adjust into a more comfortable position as he deepened the kiss.

Her hands found their way into his long tresses, while Estinien’s hands rested comfortably at her waist and back. The tiny moan as Delphinium allowed his tongue access sent a shiver through him. They stayed there a while. There was no battle for dominance. Delphinium gladly gave into him, letting someone else take the lead of something for once.

Somewhere they’d ended up with Delphinium on the floor beneath him. His lips found their way to her neck, and she finally registered her horns scraping uncomfortably against the unforgiving wood as she arched a bit into him. She stopped his hand as it began tugging at the laces of her blouse. He paused, looking at her.

“Let's have a bath,” she said breathlessly.

“After. We’d need another once we’re through.”

She gave a bit of a snort at that. “Please. I want you to bathe with me. We should be clean before we do anything.”

He relented easily. One more kiss, then he helped her to her feet. She held his hand and led him to the washroom with a smile.

As the tub filled, Delphinium felt a wave of self-consciousness. She had her back to her companion, but could hear him beginning to undress. She weighed the possible consequences of following through with her actions. Was this a good idea? Could she afford to be involved with someone so intimately? Could she allow herself?

A hand on her arm turned her toward Estinien. She looked up at him immediately, trying to ignore his naked groin just below her eye level. He slowly began to unlace her blouse. He looked at her, silently asking permission to remove it. She nodded. As he worked to undress her, her eyes scanned over the scars decorating Estinien’s upper body. They were many, some old and faint, some clearly more recent. When he knelt down to remove her boots, she caught sight of his gnarled shoulder. Without thinking, she reached toward it, her fingers carressing over the marred flesh as gently as they had the harp strings earlier that night. He looked up at her and she muttered an apology, removing her hand.

“It’s all right,” he said and continued the task at hand.

Now both fully nude, a blush crept over Delphinium’s face. She noticed Estinien’s cheeks began to dust with pink as well and smiled. She took his hand and guided him into the warm water with her. Seeing his scars reminded her just how strong and resilient the Elezen was. To hell with her doubts, Estinien could handle himself. The fear of losing him would always be there, but she knew he would not fall easily. She was tired of handling everything alone. It was clear he felt the same.

The tub was more than large enough for them and she was thankful not to have ended up cramped together. She’d never been so close to anyone, let alone been naked with them. But she was the one that wanted this and wouldn't back out now. Estinien watched her while she began to lather soap onto a cloth. She tried not to appear so nervous under his gaze.

She looked at him, this time being the one to silently ask permission. He nodded just as she had. She washed him gently. Upon reaching the scar on his shoulder, he placed a hand over hers. She understood, relinquishing the cloth to him. She found another and scrubbed her face, removing her lipstick. Wiping under her eyes, she realized how smeared her makeup must’ve been, and how silly she likely looked. She laighed to herself, drawing Estinien’s attention.

“What is it,” he asked.

“Nothing. Just imagining how I must've appeared this whole time. I’m sorry for suddenly crying at you. And sorry if your tunic is stained.”

It was his turn to chuckle. “Pay no mind. I have other tunics. I’m honored you shared your tears with me.”

She smiled and kissed his hand gently. “Let me wash your back?”

He nodded, then turned to give her access, moving his hair off to the side. She rubbed the cloth over him, again noting all of his scars. She kissed a thin scar near the base of his neck. He turned to her and she was about to apologize when he captured her lips with his own once more.

“Your turn,” he whispered.

She looked at him confused.

“Your back? I should return the favor.”

“Right,” she laughed awkwardly and quickly turned away from him.

He didn’t hide his chortle. He was a bit rougher with his washing than Delphinium would normally be. However, she could tell he was cleaning her scales with the same precision he cleaned his weapons. She relaxed into it with a sigh, drawing her knees up and leaning her chin on them to keep her head above the water. He was nearly massaging her at this point and she felt like she could fall asleep like this.

Estinien pulled her into his lap, her back flush against his chest. He seemed to ignore the small spikes of her tail biting into his stomach. She shivered against him as her breasts were exposed above the water. She became more alert again when she felt a hand glide up around one of them. Of course, she couldn’t sleep just yet. This is what they both had been looking forward to.

She was aware of her short stature, but now with his hand covering her ample breast she felt downright tiny. It was as thrilling as she imagined. She let out a breathy sigh as his fingers teased the bud of her nipple. She felt his other hand move downward, brushing over the deep scar on her lower abdomen. She knew he must’ve seen it earlier. She expected he’d ask about it, and was a little surprised he hadn’t. It didn’t necessarily bother her to speak of it, but it did bring back memories of awful pain. His hand didn’t linger over the scar for long, and drifted lower still.

Another sigh left her lips when his long fingers met their destination between her thighs.

She squirmed slightly at the sensation his rubbing fingers sent through her. A moan escaped her throat and that seemed to encourage him quite a lot. She felt his erection growing beneath her, the length of it coming to rest against the cleft of her heated folds. He continued his motions. Her breathing became more erratic, and her moans more frequent. She never thought he’d bring her to the edge so quickly but she couldn’t hold back.

She couldn’t help but rock her hips into his massaging fingers, the motion also grinding against the erection between her legs.

Estinien pressed his lips to her shoulder, stifling a heated groan that went straight to Delphinium’s core. She climaxed with a shout that echoed embarrassingly through the large washroom. His fingers lingered a few moments longer as her spasms calmed. Then, he moved to grasp his length. He held her impossibly closer as he stroked himself to his own completion. If she hadn’t been so preoccupied with him breathing heavily in her ear, she would worry about her tail possibly drawing blood from his crushing embrace.

He finished with a grunt then finally loosened his hold. They both needed more.

“Bed, now,” Delphinium said.

They wasted no time. Drying just enough so as not to slip, he carried her easily to the bedroom. He all but tossed her onto the soft bed and immediately he was crawling over her, planting a trail of kisses along her thigh all the way up to her breasts. She moaned quietly as he mouthed at the perked nipple, her hands gripped his hair gently, urging him on. His tongue flicked over the bud, earning him a louder sound and a twitch. Satisfied, he continued his trail upward, finally capturing her lips for what seemed like the thousandth time that night.

Again, she allowed his tongue access, gasping against his lips while his thumbs firmly caressed her nipples. Her legs spread wider of their own accord and she was beginning to ache for him.

“Estinien,” she breathed. “I need you now.”

Without hesitation, Estinien sat back to hold her hips. He gently probed the tip of his erection at her entrance. She watched him eagerly, the difference in size wildly apparent. Neither had any idea if it would truly fit, but by the twelve, they weren’t about to stop now.

Their eyes met and she gave a quick nod. The tip plunged inside her not a moment later. She gasped out a moan and tangled her hands into the bedsheet as he slowly slid the rest of his length into her heat. He grunted out his own pleasured moan as it engulfed him. He paused, the only sound was their panting breaths. He gave her a minute to adjust to him. Then, at her nod, began a quick pace of thrusting. While it would’ve been lovely to take it slow, they both desperately needed this connection and release. There was no way he could hold himself back now.

Delphinium’s fervor matched his, a string of moans falling from her parted lips. She watched him with half lidded eyes, memorizing the way his muscles clenched with each movement.

Estinien carefully pulled her up into his lap. She let out another moan of pleasure as the new position pushed him deeper still. Her hands glided over him, feeling his chiseled body. She kissed his chest and held tight as he began to move once more. His thrusts were quickly growing desperate, she was nearing her limit as well. His passionate, breathy, moans were right in her ear again. Her own sounds had gone up an octave. With a few more thrusts, she was pushed again over the edge into that wonderful, white hot pleasure. Moments later she felt him pulsating within her, filling her to the brim with his seed.

Panting, he stroked her freckled cheek and realization settled in. She saw the streak of panic in his eyes and gently shook her head.

“I can’t,” she whispered, leaning her forehead against his.

His mind flashed back to the scar he’d felt on her stomach and he relaxed, understanding.

They held each other close as they caught their breath, and the high passed. Gently, he laid her on the bed and disappeared for a moment.

Delphinium was already beginning to let sleep take her when he returned. She startled slightly when the warm, wet cloth touched her, but once she understood she allowed herself to fall into her slumber.

Estinien cleaned them carefully. While typically he wouldn’t bother, he remembered how much Delphinium hated to feel sticky. He would do anything for her. He would die for her. Of course, he’d try very hard to never let it come to that.

He settled them under the blankets and watched the sun slowly light up the room.