#This happened to my side blog a few months ago and it’s so frustrating

[queen-breha-organa]

Anyways this blog is now victim to that weird shadowban glitch that’s going around.

Hate and malice on planet earth.

[tip-top-cloud-surfer]

What If I Never Get Over You? - Rooster

Pairing: Rooster / Naval Aviator! Reader/OC (Callsign: Nova)

Length: 3.3k

This work, all my works, and my entire blog are 18+ Only

Warnings: Exes That Are Still in Love (and Denial); Jealousy; Rooster is Bad at Feelings; Reader is Bad at Feelings; Using Other People for Jealousy; Somewhat Toxic Relationships; Struggles to Communicate; Implied Sexual Content; Reader with a Callsign but No Physical Description

Summary: Rooster and Nova broke up a few months ago. With the Dagger Squad party looming, can they prove that they're over each other?

Master List

The men’s locker room was full after a long day of training. Rooster barely had the energy to raise his hands to rub shampoo through his curls and settled for a quick soap and rinse before stepping out of the shower. Securing his towel around his waist, Rooster sluggishly walked over to his locker.

“So, who’s everyone bringing to the team party?” Hangman asked, always ready to stir up shit, even after a long day.

Actually, Hangman was in his prime after a long day. Everyone else’s defenses were pushed down by exhaustion and frustration. It was easier to press buttons and get answers because everyone’s filters disappeared when their bodies were aching and tired. 

“Phoenix and I are going together,” Bob stated, causing Hangman to scoff.

“Boring. Who’s everyone else bringing?” 

“Your mom,” Fanboy called back. 

“My wife,” Payback answered, his tone matching Fanboy’s with slightly less irritation. 

“Who are you bringing anyways, Hangman?” Yale asked, causing most of the locker room to turn back to Hangman. 

“You know the new bartender at the Hard Deck?” he spoke, wiggling his eyebrows.

“No way,” Coyote snorted, shaking his head. “She’s out of your league. And there’s no way that Penny didn’t warn her about you.” 

“Guess you’ll just have to wait until the party then,” Hangman replied confidently before turning to Rooster. “What about you, Rooster? Have a special friend that you haven’t told anyone about yet?” 

“Haven’t asked anyone yet,” Rooster retorted, pulling his jeans up his long legs. 

“Any ideas? Bob took your usual date.” 

While Hangman and most of the group was focused on Rooster, Omaha closed his locker and headed out for the day. Once the door shut behind Omaha, however, Harvard was quick to spill the tea.  

“I still can’t believe that Nova agreed to go out with Omaha,” he told Payback and Fanboy, who shared a surprised look.

“Nova’s going with Omaha to the team party?” Fanboy repeated, just loud enough.

“Nova’s going out with Omaha?” Hangman asked, unable to hide his surprise. But his surprise was quickly replaced by his usual smirk. “Thank you, Harvard. Now that is the kind of stuff I was looking for.” 

Rooster focused on his locker in front of him. His jaw was locked into place, and he wasn't in the mood for Hangman's games today.

It wasn’t exactly a secret that he and Nova used to date. Had dated. Were exes. Whatever it was called, it happened between them. Three years. Three years of their lives just went down the drain and they still couldn’t be free of each other. Things were cordial and less awkward, but neither of them was happy with it.

There was a reason why you weren’t supposed to fall in love with your squadmates. 

“I think that they’re just going to the party together, that’s all,” Bob replied, glancing over at Rooster worriedly. 

 “How do you know it’s not more?” 

Rooster slammed his locker shut with an audible thud before grabbing his bag. When Rooster stormed out of the room, Coyote nudged Hangman in the side.

“You know that he’s not over her,” Coyote reminded him, earning a nod from Bob.

“So, she’s not allowed to move on?” Hangman countered, pulling on his shirt. “They didn’t work out and that sucks, but they’re adults. He’s not a kicked puppy. And what she does isn't his concern anymore. It all happened months ago.” 

Meanwhile, Rooster walked out of the building, heading for the parking lot. He reached his truck and placed his bag down in his trunk. Reaching for the door, Rooster paused when he saw Nova talking to Omaha, who was leaning on her car with the kind of smile that Rooster used to send her. The kind of smile that would encourage her to lean up and press a loving kiss to his lips.

Slowly closing his trunk door, Rooster stare at Nova and Omaha for a moment, trying to not grind his teeth together. 

They were done with each other. But it still stung to see her with Omaha because Rooster couldn’t find something wrong with him. If she was hanging around with a guy like Hangman, Rooster might have even had a spring in his step. But Omaha? He had a chance at giving Nova more than Rooster ever could.

Fuck. He needed to find a date.

~~~~~

“That’s the girl that he’s bringing to the party?” Nova asked as she stood out on the back deck. 

The Dagger Squad went out to the Hard Deck after an early end to the day. A few of the guys were challenging some sailors to a volleyball game out behind the Hard Deck and the cheers and calls from the competition could be heard from inside the bar. Nova, Phoenix, and Halo had gone inside to grab a drink when Bob came walking over with some news. 

And now the game was the last thing on Nova’s mind as she stared at the rather bouncy woman standing on the boardwalk. She was clapping and cheering loudly whenever the Dagger Squad won a point. And when Rooster blew the woman a kiss after his ace, Nova was on high alert.  

“Where did he meet her?” Phoenix asked, turning to her wizzo. “I’ve never seen her before. And he hasn’t mentioned her.” 

“A dating app, I think. I don’t really know; he was talking to Fritz and Payback about it.” 

“How long have they been going out?” Halo questioned, glancing at Nova out of the corner of her eye. “One date?”

“Two, I think.” 

“And then he asked her to the team party?” Phoenix inquired quietly.

“He’s always running headfirst into things when he’s pissed,” Nova muttered, speaking from experience. “And you know, I bet that he got on that dating app the night after he had that weird conversation with Neil. And then he goes and invites a complete stranger to the team party?”

Nova scoffed, setting down her beer, and folding her arms across her chest. Halo shared a look with Phoenix, who didn’t appear to disagree with Halo as she took a sip of her own drink. Nova shook her head and sat up again.

“And you know what? Do you think that he would have asked her out if he didn’t find out that Neil and I were going to the party together? I’ll tell you.”

Phoenix and Halo were careful to measure their responses, but poor Bob became Nova’s target of letting out her inner frustration about Rooster’s choice. Did Nova have any right to complain? Probably not. Okay, no she didn’t. 

But she felt like it. 

“I can’t believe that he would pull something like that,” Nova scoffed, shaking her head. 

“I mean, he’s single. He can bring whoever he wants to the party,” Halo pointed out softly. “And you did break up with him.”

“Well, yeah, but . . .”

“And he’s had a hard time. Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s asking a random woman to the party. It means that he’s moving on,” Phoenix added, causing Nova to shrink into herself more.

“Yeah,” Nova agreed quietly again. 

“And you’re focused on Omaha anyways, right?” Halo asked, a little protective over her pilot. 

“Of course, I am,” Nova assured her. “Sorry, I just . . . Bradley and I just have this ability to push each other’s buttons. And I need to get better at ignoring him.”

“You guys were together for a long time,” Phoenix replied with a shrug. “It happens.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Phoenix, Halo, and Bob made their way down to watch the volleyball game, but Nova decided to stay back. Sitting on one of the stools, she took a long sip of her beer when Rooster waved over to the mystery woman after scoring another point. And with a bit of a sinking feeling in her chest, Nova got up and walked past the volleyball court, heading for the ocean to be alone. 

As she walked off, she missed how Rooster paused when he saw that she wasn’t standing with Phoenix and Halo. He turned his head and saw her walking down to the ocean by herself. A forlorn expression tugged at his features, before they quickly hardened again when Rooster spotted Omaha jogging to catch up with Nova. 

Turning back to the game, Rooster leaned down with a sharp look in his eye, ready to hammer the ball down.

“You good, Rooster?” Hangman asked, gearing up to serve.

“I’m fine. Just serve it already.” 

~~~~~

The Kazansky house was decked out for the extended Dagger team party. Rooster was one of the first to arrive since he agreed to help set up. His date was going to come later, when there were more people there, and less of a chance that she would get stuck talking to Maverick. Getting himself a drink, Rooster paused when Nova stepped into the house. 

Her hair was simple, but yet elegant and framed her face well. She wore light makeup that enhanced her features but didn’t overwhelm her natural beauty. Her dress was long and complimented her figure and he wanted to run his lips all the way up the slit in the skirt. Or maybe along her exposed collarbone. 

But when he saw her turn to Omaha with a gentle smile, that dream shattered into a thousand pieces.

“I thought that you said that you were over her,” Maverick stated, taking a sip of his whiskey. Bradley shot him a sharp look in return. 

“I am over her,” Rooster insisted. “And I brought a date.”

“Alright,” Maverick agreed, raising a hand. “I’ll drop it.”

But Maverick’s expression as he walked off told Bradley that this wasn’t the end of their conversation. Sighing, Bradley took a sip of his drink before turning and finding something else to busy himself with until his date arrived. 

Nova was having a great time with Omaha and the other Daggers. The food was delicious. The drinks were flowing. Everyone was finally relaxing and letting loose. She was bonding and enjoying everyone’s company at the dinner table. And then with the ridiculous games that everyone challenged each other to after a few more drinks. 

But Nova couldn’t help but stare at Bradley and his date. 

They looked more comfortable with each other than she was expecting and the wine wasn’t dulling the ache in her chest at the sight of them.

It wasn’t fair for her to break up with him and then expect him to not move on. But that was different in theory than in reality. 

“So, you must be from Omaha then?” Rooster’s date asked Omaha.

Nova stood on Omaha’s other side and Bradley stood beside his date. It felt like they were using their dates as buffers to keep them away from each other. And Omaha and Rooster’s date didn’t seem to mind it because they were talking the most out of the four of them. Nova had gone quiet, and Rooster was mostly talking with Bob. 

“Indianapolis, actually. It was a Peyton Manning reference,” Omaha explained with a shrug.

“Really? My brother lives out there!” Rooster’s date spoke up. 

Nova glanced over at the two of them, watching them have a genuine conversation and looking like they were actually enjoying each other’s company. And when she glanced over at Rooster to see him still involved in his conversation with Bob, she sighed to herself. She’d had anxiety over this dinner for the past few days and she just needed a break. 

Excusing herself and sending Omaha an encouraging smile, Nova grabbed a drink and headed outside into the fresh air. She paused outside the door, taking a deep breath, before slowly walking over to the swing set. Nova sat down, kicked off her shoes, and took a sip of her drink. Leaning back against the swing, she closed her eyes and just rocked for a moment.

But when she heard footsteps, she opened her eyes and turned to see Bradley standing there.

He had to look so fucking perfect in that black suit. There was no way that he picked it himself. Ice must have taken him to a tailor. He never wore a bow tie when the two of them were dating and now he wore it like he was auditioning for James Bond. And of course, he had to give her that big brown eye stare that still made her melt.

“What are you doing out here?” Rooster asked her, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“You don’t have to check up on me, you know,” she mumbled quietly, staring down at the grass. “We’re not together anymore.”

“I’m aware,” Bradley replied, a bit tensely. Looking away for a moment, he turned back to Nova. “Did Omaha do something?”

“No, Bradley.”

“Was it something someone else did?”

“No, of course not.”

“Was it something I did?” he asked after a few quiet moments. She sighed, holding her hands to her face, taking a deep breath. “What did I do wrong, Nova?”

“It’s nothing, Bradley.”

“Don’t tell me it was nothing, Nova. Don’t tell me that you ended our relationship over nothing.”

She picked her head up from her hands and turned to Bradley, who was staring at her with such emotion that she had to look away unless she wanted to burst out into tears. 

“We talked about it.”

“Well, I want to talk about it again,” Bradley insisted, causing Nova to close her eyes. “I know that we weren’t perfect. I know that I wasn’t perfect. But why . . . why did you give up?”

“You think that I gave up?” Nova demanded, turning to him. “You really think that, Bradley?”

“It’s how I feel about it, yeah.” 

“Bradley, you are one of the most stubborn men that I have ever met in my life,” Nova stated, slowly getting up to her feet. “You are so stubborn that every time I tried to talk to you about what was bothering me, you just shut down and didn’t want to talk about it and thought that when I dropped it, the whole thing was resolved. But it wasn’t!” 

“I did shut down . . . you were right,” he added with a softer tone. “When I feel pushed emotionally, I shut down. I just went into survival mode because I developed the habit of shutting down to protect myself during my mom’s illness.” When Nova continued to stare at him like he had grown a second head, Rooster added, “I saw a therapist, okay?” 

“You went and saw a therapist?” Nova asked softly, causing Rooster to nod.

“I only did a few sessions, but . . . yeah, I went,” Rooster admitted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “And then the mission and everything else happened and I thought that things would fall into place on their own. And . . . I was wrong.” 

“Bradley,” Nova sighed, trying to find the right words. 

“And look, whatever you have going on with Omaha . . . I won’t lie and say that I’m happy or thrilled about it, but—” 

“—Nothing is going on with Omaha,” Nova interjected, causing Rooster to noticeably perk up.

“Oh?” 

“We tried it out. Went on a few dates. We kissed a few times, but never went further than that because it just didn’t feel . . . right,” Nova explained, folding her arms across her chest. “We came here tonight together because we already agreed to go with each other and it was too late to find other dates.” 

“So, you and Omaha aren’t together?” 

“No, we’re not.” Nova glanced back at the house before turning back to Bradley. “And you and your date? Are you two . . .?” 

“No.”

“Does she know that?”

“I’m pretty sure that if she’s going home with anyone, it’ll be with your date,” Bradley stated honestly, causing Nova to raise an eyebrow. “We didn’t do anything more than make out.” Nova nodded slowly and Bradley chose to add, “She said that she wouldn’t sleep with me until she was convinced that I was over you.” 

“Oh.” 

“And I’m not, so . . .” Bradley trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Neither am I,” Nova admitted, voice barely above a whisper. 

Feeling his hope start to grow, Rooster took a careful step towards Nova. She stared straight into those stupidly soft brown eyes that still made her melt and furrowed her eyebrows as she warred with herself about the crossroads they were approaching.

“We have things to work on if we wanted to try and make it work,” she stated quietly as Bradley gently cupped her chin. 

“I know.” 

“And we can’t just pretend like the break up never happened.” 

“I agree,” Bradley responded, tilting her chin up more. 

“And we have to be honest with ourselves.” 

“Absolutely—” 

Nova leaned up and pressed her lips against Bradley’s, cutting off his affirmative. Rooster quickly pulled her closer, holding the back of her head gently as their lips moved together. It felt natural, it felt easy, it felt the way that it was supposed to feel. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, Nova pressed herself against him as he rested his hands on her hips.  

“And we can’t,” Nova breathed, breaking away from the kiss. Rooster, taking advantage of her momentary distraction, pressed kisses down her throat and dragged his mustache just the way that he knew she liked down her skin. “We can’t take things too fast. We . . .” 

Dove’s eyes fluttered closed as Rooster started moving back up her throat. Digging her fingers into his curls, she tugged and pulled his lips back up to her own. 

~~~~~

Rooster snored as the early morning light filtered in through the blinds of his bedroom. His face was half-buried in his pillow, and he was in the middle of subconsciously shifting towards the center of his bed when his phone started to buzz. Rooster slammed his hand down onto the nightstand, searching for his phone. When he couldn’t find it, he groaned and rolled over.

Cracking his tired eyes open, Rooster let out some choice words as he sat up and saw that Maverick was calling him. He answered the call and held the phone up to his ear.

“What?” Rooster hissed quietly, clearly pissed. 

“Hey, Bradley. Just wanted to check on you. You left the party in a bit of a rush yesterday.” 

“I was tired. And I still am, Mav.” 

“Alright, alright. Just tell Nova that we found her bra in the backyard and we were wondering if she wanted it back or not.” When Bradley let out a choked noise in reply, Maverick added, “Well, I won’t interrupt your morning anymore. Give Nova my best.” 

Rooster groaned, burying his face in his pillow and dropping his phone onto the bed in defeat. From beside him, Nova rolled over. She was still half-asleep, and she didn’t fully open her eyes. When she buried herself in Rooster’s side, he naturally moved to pull her closer.

“Mav knows?” she asked quietly.

"He found your bra.” 

“Good. It’s my fancy one.”

Rooster let out a sigh before asking, “You’re going to make me get it for you, aren’t you?”

“Do you want me to have to answer Mav's questions about our relationship?”  

“I’ll grab it this afternoon,” Rooster agreed, curling his body around Nova and going back to sleep.

[wcamino-confessions]

hi, seraphronos/v01d4l_n0x here (yes the real one /silly) probably this doesn't look the most professional considering I literally just retired but I've been frustrated about certain things that happened whilst I was on the team and I've never really had the change to vent it all out. and yes I know this isn't really relevant anymore but I just needed to rant a little little disclaimer: my time on the lt apart from this situation was great!! loved it on there and I loved working with everyone else frfr !! so this is not intended to slander them at all this is mostly about the helper anon here, so to clarify for anyone unaware: void-anons is not me. they are a blog made to purposely impersonate me, and no I don't know who they are. I have my suspicions, but I'd rather not risk falsely accusing someone considering that's literally what happened to me lol. also this is mostly about me and my experiences so I'm not speaking from the team as a whole here so to start: literally fuck you helper anon. not cool man 👎. you didn't have to make the blog look like mine and could have made it completely anonymous but no you really just had to drag me into it (which im assuming was because im not the most active in chats so it was easier to make it seem like it was mine cause there would be no one to back me and my actions up). also I'll forever be annoyed at the rui aesthetic. like that is literally my guy ☹️. I understand you had frustrations about how things were handled and yeah I get it, but you really did not have to drag me into it??? and then joke about me getting demoted afterwards and act proud of the fact you did???? again just really not cool boooo 🍅🍅🍅. I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tbh I really do not like you my second point: the chats after I returned. yes guys I did read up. I definitely get why the other helpers were frustrated as was I but I felt some of the comments were kinda personal about me?? like I saw the point about how I wasn't close with the other team members show up a few times and like?? that isn't really about the confession that's about me 👎. and just to add on yes I'm aware this was like 8-9 months ago now, and most people part of that discussion have now retired third (and probably final point): the team as a whole on the issue. First of all, it took 2 days of constant bumping and sending proof I don't own the account just to get back on the team. 2 days I was waiting to see if they'd actually believe me. if it was me I honestly would have admitted it, but the fact it isn't and that it's completely out of my control is the worst feeling. little note here but I did really appreciate the members of the lt who sent me pms apologising/asking if there's anything they could do, thank you guys, love u /p. but the fact still stands that they haven't been demoted, and I have pushed for any updates/information that I was allowed to know, but I just kept getting told that 'we're working on it'. I know it's a difficult situation but it really just came across to me like nothing was actually being done. extra few little notes here but the fact that the first confession mentioned how they were on a burner account then proceeded to make it look like it was mine?? why would i do that?? also why was I immediately demoted without being given the option to explain anything first. I feel the actions from the team were very rushed and whilst I do understand it was quite a unique situation, I feel like the steps taken weren't completely thought through. to add to this though I'm glad I did get an explanation in ufc not too long back. I appreciate the transparency /gen. last note from me but I'd like to add the reason that I have so much to say here was because I felt as if I was being shut down at certain points. naturally, this was brought up in casual helper chats more than once and so I'd rant a little, but I had to hold myself back in case of anything.

I did proofread this a little but it is long so pls ignore any mistakes 🙏

[kadextra]

I’ve wanted to properly say my personal opinion on this in an actual post for a while, now’s a good time as any

I realized a few weeks ago that I do not feel capable of adding to the admingate conversation, especially in regards to abusive workplace treatment involving the unions & how various international laws play a role. It’s way out of my league.

like I admit with my full chest I came here to watch cubes and don’t know about all these complex topics, and I have no time I can give to researching all of them. that’s why I’ve personally taken a rather distanced stance. this is complex and emotionally heavy stuff that needs careful attention, I’m not able to speak about it well within my experience/knowledge as I’d like, so I don’t feel comfortable or that it’s my place in doing so

I do take a pretty wide outlook on the situation with the time and energy I can allocate to it. the things I’ve heard from admins involved say it’s not looking any better, while others in the project say it’s being improved in a good direction. It’s different opinions on every side- and that’s pretty usual for a situation like this with lots of people and moving parts. in the end we as the onlooker fans can’t know anything except what we’re shown.

In the same way, I think you guys are valid to your own opinions and interpretations, whether it be negative or optimistic, neutral or what be you. I am aware of how you all feel, and like. it’s your own blogs post however you want

The approach I’ve found myself taking here is “support the admins. hold tentative hope for the project to be handled in a proper manner.” thus I continue to primarily send my appreciation and gratitude to admins who have suffered greatly & unfairly, who have worked hard, and I continue watching how the server is being handled with the hope it can be improved in better conditions.

I think a day where the QSMP permanently shuts down burns dies in a fire and explodes + everyone I enjoy on it leaves would be the day I release my final hope for it and leave too. but I don’t think I’d leave qsmpblr forever, you’re all too awesome :3

I truly want to see it get better. In no other place would I get to watch people on opposite sides of the globe like YD and BBH who don’t know each others native language at all meet and become best friends. those two have given me joy recently :’)

so I will keep a close eye observing, waiting to see how it develops the coming months/year

Lastly, I’ll make something clear.

As I touched on earlier, chances are I’ve heard all about something even if I don’t post on it. If anyone expects replies from me talking about the workplace abuse, management privilege, international unions & laws, again I reiterate- I know I cannot give an educated reply on that and would end up poorly regurgitating all the same stuff we’ve already heard hundreds of times the past month which isn’t me helping anything. I truly wish I could somehow make things better for myself and everyone by doing that, but I can’t. and it won’t.

so like if you’ve sent asks, thank you. and I know. but topics like this in my inbox likely won’t get a response. dw it’s not on you guys ❤️

I hope any members of our community who may read this are doing well. I know it’s difficult to be in this odd, frustrating limbo situation and have a lot of complicated mixed feelings about whats going on with this media that means a lot to you. You felt what the beautiful highs of the QSMP are like, and now you’ve become aware of the lowest lows. I get it, it’s been hard

if you want to stick around with your streamer and see what happens next then sure you do that. if you need to take a step back, disengage from the content for a while or just leave entirely then sure you do that.

do whatever is right by you, take care of yourselves okay? hugs 🫂❤️

[saucy-sassy-sparkly]

Moments: Eight

Pairing: Chris Evans x reader

Word Count: ~ 6.4k

Author's Note: the final full-length part 🥹 I have some drabbles to keep these babes going a little longer, so they'll be back! Thanks for the support on this story! I can't wait to share my next one! ❤️

Moments Masterlist

2014: Sudbury

1 day after Minka-gate broke, Y/N and Chris flew home from their vacation early, feeling very tense and exhausted. They’d returned to the hotel immediately and Y/N was back in sweatpants within 5 minutes of crossing the threshold. Chris sat on the edge of the bed in his suit, his tie undone and his top button loosened, holding Y/N on his lap while she cried; his tears leaked into her hair. This was not how tonight should’ve been. She’d stayed tucked on his lap and they’d fallen into an uncomfortable sleep for several hours before Chris gently moved her to change for bed and returned to bed to find her awake and ready to crawl back into his arms.

3 days after Minka-gate broke, Chris begrudgingly went back to Atlanta to finish his last 5 weeks of filming. Y/N had driven him to the airport and they’d kissed goodbye in the drop-off lane, but with nowhere near the passion they normally parted. The three days between the phone call on the rooftop and this moment were filled with tears and stressed phone calls to all the members of Chris’s team. They all assured him with full certainty that this would not be interesting for long, to lay low, and not engage.

8 days after Minka-gate broke, Chris and Y/N got into a huge fight during one of their nightly phone calls. All their calls had been tense of late but they’d both continued to try. The anxiety and frustration hung in the background of all their interactions came to a head after Chris continued to repeat, “I never meant for this to happen,” to which Y/N snapped and said, “I know you didn’t, but what are you going to fucking do about it!” before Chris returned with his own ire.

10 days after Minka-gate broke, Y/N took a day off of work to lean into her feelings, stay home and sob watching Titanic and take a long, luxurious, wine-soaked bath in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Now it wasn’t just the tabloids but all the online gossip blogs and even a few credible media outlets had picked up the story, claiming to talk to “sources close to the couple” who knew that Minka and Chris had rekindled their romance months ago and were finally ready to settle down. Instead of passing, it was picking up intensity.

14 days after Minka-gate broke, Chris’s team was still advising him that the best course of action was to ignore the press until it goes away. Minka’s team was, according to Chris’s team, not responding. She’d even been seen leaving a grocery store with a ring on her finger. Chris had thrown and shattered his coffee mug when his assistant had to tell him and then immediately called Y/N to be sure he heard it from her. Around the same time, the media outlets had started to drag out old pictures of Y/N and Chris: grocery stores, sporting events, the dog park, fan sightings… anything for another chance to manipulate the story with new headlines: What about Chris Evans’s mystery Boston girlfriend? Does she know about his engagement to Minka? Is he planning to keep his side piece? Will he have an LA wife and a Boston piece of ass?

17 days after Minka-gate broke, Chris called his mother, who told him she didn’t understand the Hollywood ways, but she thought this was taking an awfully long time to die down. She gently, quietly wondered– in a way only a mother could– why he didn’t just make a statement to protect his real relationship. In another fit of frustration, Chris snipped at his mother, “I pay these people to take care of it, so they’re taking care of it.” Lisa sighed and responded, “but are they?”

19 days after Minka-gate broke, Y/N was sitting in her office, updating client charts, when her office phone rang.

“Hello, this is Y/N.”

“Hi, Y/N, we’ve never spoken, but I’m calling about your situation with Chris.” The voice on the other end was a clipped female and there was a long pause during which Y/N expected her to continue and perhaps introduce herself. When she didn’t, Y/N rolled her already tense shoulders and sighed.

“Who’s calling?”

“Oh right, this is Megan.” Y/N obviously knew who she was but as she was mostly connected to Chris via phone, email, or when he was in LA life; they’d never met or truly spoken other than a quick wave on a FaceTime call. Obviously in the last weeks since the photo dropped, Y/N had been in the background of calls or seen emails that Chris forwarded her about the latest updates and plans, but they’d never had a one-on-one conversation.

Her phone buzzed on her desk with Chris’s caller ID, which was odd as he was supposed to be on a super secret closed set all day- no phones allowed. She ignored the call.

“Hi Megan,” she said tentatively, “you said you were calling about our… situation?”

“Correct. I’m reaching out on Chris’s behalf to move forward on our next phase of sidestepping this issue.”

Y/N’s whole body stilled at these words and her phone started to ring again. She ignored it again and a text immediately came through.

Chris: Do not answer a call from Megan. Call me, please.

Megan continued, “I know I called your work phone so I won’t keep you long, I’ll get right to it. I’ve been talking with Chris and the next best course of action is to announce your engagement. I think an exclusive with People with a shot of the ring and perhaps a few candids of you should do it. So we’d like to do that within the next week; can you get down to Atlanta by Thursday?”

Her phone was ringing again. She hit ignore again. And yet, she didn’t know why she stayed on with Megan; she had a sick feeling in her stomach from the second Megan had announced herself, but she couldn’t get herself to hang up.

She finally spoke to stall for time to process, “help me understand, why is this the best plan?”

“If we can put your real engagement out there with a wedding date attached, we can pull focus and put this mess to bed. I already have Chris booked for several appearances and interviews after where he’ll be asked…” Y/N stopped listening and switched the call to speakerphone. She set the headset back in the cradle and put her head down on her desk, her mind immediately wandering to that snowy rooftop…

Y/N’s whole body was shaking with rage when she handed the phone to Chris. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She didn’t know what, exactly, was happening, but how she’d ended up here on this rooftop while a picture of her boyfriend on one knee in front of another woman was circling the internet. How had she gone from an independent, strong, capable woman living on her own in DC to being entangled in a relationship with one of Hollywood’s up-and-coming heartthrobs who everyone wanted a piece of? She knew this wasn’t real but she just couldn’t understand how the stars had possibly aligned to set up such a suspicious picture.

She looked up to watch him look at the picture and, in slow motion, she watched his face drained of color entirely, his head dropped into his hands and she saw his shoulders immediately start to shake.

He was crying. He was squeezing her phone in his hand so hard that his knuckles were white and his body was trembling with sobs.

After watching him for a moment, unsure what to do, she reached out tentatively and took the phone from him, setting the table in front of her, and then moved closer to him. She put her hand on his leg and used her index finger and thumb to tip his chin up to look at him.

All of the initial anger she’d felt when seeing the photo melted away immediately. Y/N had seen Chris’s actor cry– this wasn’t it. This was pure devastation. He was already snotty and his eyes were swollen. His lip trembled as he looked at her, trying to keep it together. He fought against the hand that held his chin, trying to dip back down to avoid her eyes.

Without a shadow of a doubt, Y/N knew that she’d jumped to conclusions. He’d been as blindsided as she was. She knew nothing was going on with Minka; she knew what they had and he’d been upfront from the second he knew Minka was in Atlanta. This was the press going rogue and trying to get some money however they could. She’d process her emotions later– she had a lot to think about– but right now, she could see in his face how terrified he was that Y/N might be doubting him… them.

“I love you,” she told him quietly, still holding his chin. “I love you, and I know this wasn’t your fault.”

He lunged at her, wrapping her in his arms and pulling her tightly against him. She felt his tears on her cheek as they were pressed so tightly together. “I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. I’ll make this go away, you don’t deserve this. I love you so much.”

They stayed tangled up on the patio for another 15 minutes before they both calmed down enough and realized they’d lost their appetites. Back at the lodge, Y/N tried to keep herself together. She knew from the few whispered words between tears that Chris was distraught. Their relationship had already had so many bumps, he was so worried that they couldn’t survive another one… that she’d go for good.

And he hadn’t acknowledged it, but he’d been planning to propose tonight. She saw the hints now that she looked back- the surprise trip, his jumpy nature, his extra focus on using the word ‘forever’ in all of their conversations, the beautiful restaurant, the sexy suit, and the insistence she be equally done up.

Instead, this night had been ruined by a misunderstanding with a bunch of money-hungry strangers looking to stir the pot. They didn’t care about the real people involved or what hurt they inflicted.

So, once she’d donned sweats and washed her face, she took a deep, shaky breath to calm her nerves and walked back out towards the bed.

He sat on the edge, staring at his hands. No, not his hands, but something in his hands…

She unwillingly gasped when she realized he held the open ring box with tears running down his face. Her gasp alerted him to her presence and he snapped it shut, swiping at his eyes and spinning to look at her.

Y/N’s resolve crumbled and she let out the sob she’d been holding. He held his arms out and she crawled across the bed and into his waiting embrace.

Quietly he asked, “did you know?”

She shook her head and leaned back in his grasp to look at him, “I had no idea.”

He laughed bitterly, “another part of this ruined: the element of surprise.”

“It’ll be a surprise whenever you do it,” Y/N smiled softly and Chris’s lips crashed into her, swallowing her startled noise.

When he pulled back, he said, “you still want to marry me?”

Y/N nodded, “I won’t accept a proposal until this whole mess is settled, but of course I do. I love you.” He kissed her fiercely with both of their tears mixing, muttering ‘I love yous’ against her lips every time they came up for air.

A soft knock on the door and then Stacey stuck her head in. Before she could speak she saw Y/N slumped on her desk and caught Megan saying “… and I’m also hoping you and I might be able to talk Chris into giving wedding photo rights to People Magazine…”

Stacey physically pulled Y/N to stand, caught a glimpse of her tear-stained face, and whispered, “Chris is on the phone in my office. Go. I’ll get rid of this,” she gestured to the phone where Megan was still rattling off her long-winded 18-month plan. Y/N nodded and accepted Stacey’s quick but tight hug before leaving the room.

She kept her head down as she moved through the hall and past the open lounge and slipped into Stacey’s office. Y/N saw the hold light flashing on the desk phone and took a steadying breath before rounding the desk and taking the call.

“Chris?”

“Oh Bunny, thank god,” she could hear his relief.

“What is happening Chris, why does Megan have the rest of our lives planned out?”

“It’s her job to manage my image,” she heard his sarcasm on the word image, “but this is not how I wanted any of this to go down. We need to be on the same page first. I tried to stop it but it’s just been–” he cut himself off and she knew that he was running his fingers through his hair. “She has been relentless. She pitched this plan to me yesterday, and I told her it was awful and that she needed a new one. She’s been pushing this idea for almost 24 hours and I didn’t realize she’d called you until I got a break. I came back to my phone and she’d blown it up telling me she was calling you to tell you ‘our plan’. It’s not my plan, Y/N, I didn’t back this idea.” Y/N could hear his frustration, his disappointment, and his confusion, but was feeling all of her own emotions.

“She wants to announce our engagement and then give our wedding photos to People,” anger was boiling in Y/N’s stomach even as her tears kept falling. “We aren’t even engaged, Chris! I don’t want People magazine at our wedding! What’s next? Let People Magazine have the first photos of our baby? Do they get the exclusive rights to be in the delivery room with me? What the fuck, Chris, you said you’d make this go away. And I’m all alone in our stupid house trying to wait this out by myself. All my close friends are in DC, and I have no one to talk to here, every day it seems to get worse and I wake up with more texts with screenshots from people… and I hate every second of this. I can’t do this anymore, Chris.” Y/N’s voice continued to rise with every sentence.

Chris was silent and then she heard movement- the rustle of fabric, a door opening, and closing, a zipper being pulled, “I’m coming home.”

“No, don’t do that. You can’t just come home from this project, you remind me of that frequently.”

“I’m coming home,” he repeated more sternly.

“Don’t bother, Chris. I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to come home just so we can discuss our 5-year plan with your team,” she spat the last word.

“I’m not coming home to discuss our plans or anything else with my team. I’m coming home to be with you.” She heard him pull the phone away to speak with someone. There was a back and forth and she couldn't hear all the words, but she heard Chris’s forceful tone to whomever he was speaking to. Then after a few more minutes of rustling, there was a car door shut and the dinging of a seatbelt reminder. “I’m headed to the airfield; should I schedule a car or can you pick me up around 6?”

Before Y/N could answer, there was more muffled conversation and then she heard Chris mutter, “fuck,” before coming back on the line, “can you pick me up?”

“What’s wrong now?”

“I’m still in costume. I have to change and then I’m going to the airfield… as much as I know you like me as Cap.”

Y/N couldn’t help herself when she snorted a quick laugh; that was her Chris, dropping a suggestive line amid a heated conversation. He’d be smirking if she could see him, trying to gauge if it broke some of the tension. “Are you sure you can come home?”

“There is nothing more important than getting this figured out. They’ll manage without me.”

“Chris,” guilt started to course through Y/N’s body as her frustration level lowered, knowing that once he’d decided to come home, he would be back with her soon, “this doesn't seem like a good idea.”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a few days anyway, and have an email already drafted to suggest how we can adjust my filming to not mess everyone else up. I won’t be able to stay longer, but I’m not coming back until this is behind us. But stop worrying about this, Y/N. You’re right, you’ve been dealing with this alone and that isn’t fair to you. I’m coming home and we’ll manage it together.”

“Don’t you dare propose to me. Don’t use this opportunity to try to re-do, it is not the right moment.”

He laughed lightly, “wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Six?”

“Six.”

“Dodge and I will be there.”

“I love you, we’ll get through this.”

“Hey Chris,” Y/N’s lower lip was wobbling; relief was already flooding her body knowing that Chris would be here soon to weather this storm with her.

“Yes, Bunny?”

“Thank you,” she twisted a piece of hair around her finger and bit her lip, waiting for him to respond.

He heaved a heavy sigh, “always, sweeth’art,” he croaked before a quick goodbye.

Stacey was waiting in Y/N’s office when she returned and looked up, “that woman has a lot of nerve.”

“Tell me about it,” Y/N started to gather her belongings, ready to leave for the day with no more patients and too many emotions.

“She would not shut up. She just kept running her mouth like I was your publicist or something, all the ways I could try to convince you that her idiotic plan was in Chris’s best interest and therefore in your best interest. When you two do get married, do not invite her. I will punch her in the face for all of this.”

Y/N laughed for the first time in what felt like ages, “you’ll have to get in line, Stac. Thanks for getting rid of her; I’ve never had to deal with her and this has all just been…” she trailed off while she reached for her phone and smiled to see a picture Chris had sent in costume with a message:

Chris:

Chris: Had to leave the Farmer Cap costume, but see you soon, beautiful

Her bag packed and jacket on, she realized Stacey was still watching her and then tentatively began to speak, “I’ve been afraid to pry, but are you– how are you doing?”

Y/N shrugged while she pulled on her jacket, “I’ve been better.”

“Did he really…” Stacey trailed off, biting her lip and staring at Y/N.

“God, no. I mean, he dated Minka years ago, but no. He’s not cheating, he’s not living a double life. The photographers will go to major lengths to get some clicks on an article.”

Stacey nodded but continued, “and you’re positive? No doubt he’s just acting?” Y/N stilled in her preparations to leave and turned to look at her colleague… her friend… more carefully. Stacey continued, “I’m just saying, it’s his profession to fake things, would you even know?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation again, Stace, and I love you, so I’m trying to avoid snapping at you,” she sighed and slung her bag over her shoulder, “but I know Chris, I trust Chris, and I love Chris. He isn’t acting.”

Stacey threw her hands up in front of her, “I’m sorry, I just felt like I had to ask.”

“And you did, but please don’t ever question him again. We’ve been through so much already, I need my friends to have my back.”

“Won’t happen again,” she stepped towards Y/N offering a tentative hug that Y/N quickly accepted.

Y/N sat in her warm car on the tarmac waiting for Chris’s plane to land. Music played quietly but she wasn’t listening. She’d left her phone in the back seat so she wouldn’t be tempted to scroll while she waited; instead, she was aimlessly petting Dodger with one hand and playing with the edge of her scarf with the other.

She saw the lights of the plane and watched it take its time landing and taxiing towards the hangers on either side of her waiting SUV. Her car was the only one on the tarmac, although there were a few parked in the lot at the entrance, which made sense: Chris was likely the only passenger. For once, she’d been quite grateful for his privilege and situation to be able to get on a flight and come straight to her.

The door to the plane popped open with the stairs dropping down and displaying Chris’s silhouette as he reached the top of the stairs. He had a duffle bag in his hand and his backpack slung on one shoulder while he descended; Y/N felt her anxiety melt away seeing him. As he got closer, she pushed the door open and started towards him over the snowy pavement. Chris dropped his bags when they met and lifted her into his arms, his face tucked into the crook of her neck and burrowing through the fluffy scarf to kiss her neck, her jaw, her cheek, and her lips while pulling her legs around his waist. He took three huge strides and she felt her ass meet the hood of her car.

Chris set her on it carefully and continued to kiss her, to rub his hands on her, while she clung to him– it was freezing in the March air but she didn’t care, all she wanted was to be close to him. She didn’t realize she was crying until he swiped at her tears. A loud bark forced them apart when they noticed Dodge jumping around beside them and then untangled long enough for him to lean down and properly greet Dodger, then retrieve his bags. The drive home was quick and quiet while they listened to music and held hands on the center console. They ate dinner on the living room sofa with Y/N’s legs draped over Chris’s lap and Chris indulging in pizza, mozzarella sticks, and beer– definitely not part of his Cap diet– and didn’t bother to turn on the tv. Being back in each other’s company, Chris telling set stories, Y/N telling stories about her adventures with Dodger.

The doorbell rang and surprised both of them while Chris untangled himself and pulled the door open with a surprised, “Ma!”

“Chris?” Lisa sounded equally surprised as she crossed the threshold. “I thought you couldn’t leave set in this super secret last stretch of filming? What are you doing here? Where is Y/N?”

Y/N round the corner and greeted Lisa with a warm hug, accepting the tote bag she offered (full of homemade cookies) before gesturing Lisa into the house and pouring her a glass of wine. “I came home to be with Y/N. She’s been here all alone.”

“I’m well aware, Christopher, I’m glad you came to your senses too.”

Y/N shoved a whole cookie in her mouth instead of laughing loudly at Lisa’s directness with her oldest son. Chris shot Y/N a look and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, “I know, I know, it took me long enough.” Taking pity on him, Y/N rounded the kitchen island and put an arm around his waist, accepting the kiss he planted in her hair.

“I heard about Megan’s plan,” Lisa took a sip of wine and her eyes bounced between the two of them.

“It’s idiotic, I know, we’re not doing it,” Chris answered immediately, his grip on Y/N’s waist tightening when she leaned into him.

“Thank God. Are you firing her too?”

Chris glanced at Y/N and then shrugged, “We have to manage this first, then we’ll talk,” he looked back at Y/N.

“We?”

“You’re my team. Everyone else is just people who work for me.” If she wasn’t already in love with him, that line would’ve brought her to her knees. Y/N was immediately overwhelmed by emotions (again) and tried not to cry. She tucked her head into Chris’s shoulder and wrapped her other arm around him, “I’m sorry I didn’t acknowledge that sooner.”

She nodded against him, not taking a chance to pull away and look at him, and Lisa broke the silence that followed, “so what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea. If I post something on Twitter, especially at this point, it’ll seem fake. If we coordinate with a press outlet, it’ll be forced and that puts Y/N too far in the spotlight.”

Lisa was quiet for a few minutes and then she looked between the two of them, “I might have an idea. How long are you home?”

—

Two nights later, Chris’s hand fell to the small of Y/N’s back as he guided her through the door of the Concord Youth Theater. The House was open and it was mere minutes before curtain: all exactly as planned. They stepped through the nearly empty lobby and were greeted by ushers who started to ask about their seat numbers but quickly panicked when they processed Chris’s presence.

After a quick autograph on a spare Playbill, Chris and Y/N continued down the aisle towards the front where Lisa was, as planned, craning her neck to spot them. She stood up when she spotted them coming towards her and waved them into her row, offering huge (genuine) hugs as they took their seats. The production– Once Upon a Mattress, performed by the Young Adult Company– was heartwarming and well done, and when it was over, Chris was swarmed by all the teenage fans and siblings who had come to see people they knew in the show. Chris’s photo was taken, he signed autographs, and he talked to fans, all while he kept some kind of physical contact with Y/N, introducing her whenever it felt natural. Y/N, with her natural ability to connect with teenagers thanks to years of counseling them, jumped into conversations easily.

They even went backstage with Lisa to greet the cast and take more photos– many of that were quickly uploaded to various social media accounts. Afterward, Lisa took them to dinner at a local restaurant, which was packed on a Thursday evening, where Chris greeted more people and made sure to have Y/N beside him at all times.

By the time they were back at home, Chris was scrolling Twitter in the backyard while Dodger romped around and a slow smile broke on his face. He’d done something he didn’t normally do: he’d typed his name into the search bar. And there he was tonight: candid with fans in the theater holding Y/N’s hand, posed with a whole group, including Y/N, at the restaurant, blurry and distorted but definitely identifiable from someone’s creepy picture across the street as they left the restaurant.

When he came back in with Dodger, Y/N held out her phone for Chris to see a screenshot Lisa had sent: her Facebook page with a photo of them from tonight where Lisa had been tagged that included Lisa, Y/N, and Chris talking candidly behind the scenes. It had been posted by a parent of one of the performers, extolling the surprise visit from the sweet and engaging Chris Evans and his girlfriend, Y/N. Lisa had sent a picture of the comments; six different people– both performers and family members they’d talked with tonight– commenting on the couple and how exciting it was to meet them.

He leaned in to kiss her, and when he pulled back he asked, “are you up for a few more outings before I fly back?”

In the final 48 hours of Chris’s stay– one that he’d extended from two days to four after talking with the directors– they made sure to be seen around town as much as possible. They went to his niece’s basketball game, they stopped for Dunkin’ and groceries and ice cream, they went to the dog park with Dodger and Y/N went along with Lisa for her afternoon constitutional around her neighborhood. They’d been caught and posted– truly candidly, although by their design and not Megan’s– at least ten different times before it was time for Chris to head back to Atlanta.

With each post, comments continued to flow in from neighbors, from fans, on their interactions with Chris. And the more things were reposted and dragged into the fan accounts and boards, the more comments shifted to commentary on their relationship. Not all of it was positive and supportive, but much of it was and before his return flight had landed, Chris noted that the buzz about Minka was all but disappeared. The gossip blogs weren’t getting much traction on it at this point, but the next thing they’d expected happened: the media started to reach out to Chris and his people looking for Y/N’s name and comments from her or Chris.

Megan. Was. Furious.

To her credit, her plan had been one that she would mostly be able to control and Chris and Y/N’s rogue version was anything but controllable. But Chris didn’t care. He’d found a way to make Y/N more comfortable, to make it clear how he felt (he’d always been comfortable with PDA, and he made sure to lay it on even thicker), and to get traction moving forward from this awful misunderstanding.

In addition to his nightly call with Y/N, he now had a nightly call with someone trying to stay one step ahead. If it was Megan, it usually started with him being scolded for not listening to her… often a variation of ‘this is why you pay me, Chris’ and then she’d try to push a new narrative. Then he’d hang up with her and call Y/N to pass along any valuable information and hear her daily updates. They spent the final few weeks of his Avengers filming this way until it was finally time for him to pack up from Atlanta and return home.

April 1st arrived and with it, Y/N’s excitement: Chris would be back home tomorrow and it was her birthday. His plane got in around dinner time, so she would pick him up and go to Lisa’s, who had volunteered to host a joint birthday/welcome home dinner before they finally had some time alone. She tucked into bed with Dodger curled next to her and fell asleep quickly, only to be jolted awake hours later by Dodger pawing at the bedroom door.

“Dodge,” Y/N whispered in the dark, patting the edge of the bed, “c’mon, bud.”

Instead of a whine, as he’d normally do if he needed to go out, a low growl emitted from the normally friendly dog. It made Y/N’s hair stand on end. She groped for her phone, realizing she’d left it charging on the kitchen counter instead of on her bedside like normal. She’d left it there while she cleaned up from cooking dinner and chatted with Chris on FaceTime, and by the time she’d taken Dodger out, locked up, gotten ready for bed, and snuggled down in the covers, she realized where it was and decided she was too tired to go get it.

Dodger growled again and pawed frantically at the door. “What is it, dude?”

In response, he barked loudly and increased his scratching. She groped her way in the darkness to the small desk in the corner of the room, stopping to pull a sweatshirt on, and found the cordless phone that she was now so grateful Chris had insisted on keeping– “you should always have a landline!” he’d told her a million times when she moved in and laughed at it. Her fingers fumbled on the buttons while she tried to remember Chris’s cell phone number as Dodger barked again.

She finally dialed– hopefully correctly– and moved across the room to lock the door. “Hello? Y/N?” Chris’s croak came through the line and she looked at the clock on the bedside table: 2:37 am.

“Baby, Dodger is freaking out,” as if on cue, Dodger barked again and continued to scratch the door. She knew that there would be gouges in the wood tomorrow morning. “What do I do?”

“Is the security system on?” His voice was more alert and she heard him shuffling on the other end.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Can you hear anything? Does it sound like someone got inside?”

Y/N’s heart was thundering in her chest and Dodger was getting more and more frantic, “I don’t think so. Chris, what do I do?”

“I’m going to call the security company and see if the alarm was triggered, I’ll call you back.”

“NO! No, don’t hang up!” She yelped, sinking to the floor in the dark corner, trying to urge Dodger to come to her. “My phone is in the kitchen, and I’m scared.”

Chris sighed, “I don’t have another way to call and check, Bunny. I promise I’ll call you right back.”

“What if someone did get inside, Chris? If you call the house phone it’ll ring and they’ll know!”

“Y/N, I promise you are safe in our house. Let me just call the security company to be sure. Just stay where you are. If you don’t want me to call back, give me 5 minutes and then call me.”

“Okay,” she whispered; her whole body was shaking.

“I love you, babe, it’s going to be fine.”

“I love you too,” she muttered as she hung up and held the phone to her chest. “Dodger,” she moved towards the dog and grabbed his collar gently, deciding to take him into the bathroom with her while she waited to call Chris back. He threw his head away from her, jerking wildly and barking. Y/N started to cry while she tried to pull Dodger away from the door, begging him to come with her.

The phone in her hand rang loudly, startling her, and she yelped despite herself before scurrying across the room to answer in a whisper, “Chris?”

“The call is coming from inside the house,” came his reply in his creepiest voice.

Y/N froze.

Banging came from the other side of their bedroom door before he yelled his best “hereeeeee’s Johnny!” impression.

“FUCK. CHRISTOPHER!” She swiped at the tears on her face and moved to unlock the door, letting Dodger tumble out and greet Chris.

Chris collapsed to the ground while Dodger greeted him; he was laughing his boisterous, contagious laugh and Y/N wanted to be mad at him. The adrenaline coursing through him was going to take forever to settle down, “you’re an asshole.”

Between laughs and kisses from Dodger, he said, “I thought I could get in without you guys noticing. This guy isn’t typically so protective.”

“Yeah, well, he likes me better than you so he wants to keep me safe.”

“Seems that’s correct,” Chris gave Dodger one last rub before getting to his feet and reaching for Y/N, “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was you when I called?”

He shrugged, “sometimes I can’t resist the urge to be a 12-year-old. But I’m happy to see you.”

She sighed and uncrossed her arms, deciding not to be mad at him and accepting the hug he wrapped her in. “I’m happy you’re home, you absolute jackass.”

“Take me to your bed, gorgeous girl,” he pressed kisses to her cheeks and neck while he walked her back towards the bed.

“If you think I’m even spooning with you after that mean trick, you’ve got another thing coming, sir.” Y/N laughed up at him, kissing him once solidly before crawling back into the bed and watching him strip off his clothes. Once he’d dumped his clothes in the hamper and brushed his teeth, he stumbled into the bed beside her and pulled her to his chest.

“Please spoon me, I missed you too much not to have you touching me tonight.” She started to wiggle away but stilled when his bulging biceps were caging her in and his hard pecs were pressed against the thin fabric of her shirt. She sighed into his grasp, enjoying the smell of him wrapping around her.

“Only because your Cap muscles are so good I can’t resist them,” Y/N turned in his arms and snaked an arm around his waist while she looked up to kiss him.

“Happy birthday, Bun,” he whispered against her lips before he pressed another long kiss onto her lips and pulled his arm away from her, reaching her hand and interlacing their fingers. She leaned into his kiss, luxuriating in each feeling– each comfort of having him home– when she felt him press his palm into hers, and something cut into the palm of her hand.

Y/N pulled back and started to pull her hand away from his, only to have him wrap his huge palm around the item and pull away from the kiss. He pushed himself up onto his elbow and looked down at her carefully, not breaking eye contact.

“I love you, Y/N, and I want to spend my whole life with you. I never want another minute where the world doesn’t know we’re together.” He kissed her tenderly, his fingers once again playing with her hand, but this time, rather than their fingers intertwining, he held just her left ring finger and slid a cool metal circle down it until he reached the base. The movement was loving and sensual as he traced his fingers back up her hand, then her forearm, then the back of her arms, and around to cup her neck, deepening the kiss, pushing his tongue into her mouth and swallowing both of their moans. He finally pulled back and looked at Y/N again, “marry me?” he whispered against her lips, his eyes dancing between hers while he waited for a response.

She nodded frantically, pulling him to her for another long, deep kiss, when they finally pulled apart, her eyes were glazed with tears but she was grinning, “yes.”

Taglist: @bellaireland1981 @before-we-get-started @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @elrw24 @maylaysia109 @royalwritersoftheuniverses @behindmygreyeyes

[sassykattery]

Absurd

Oh? Another Lucifer smut fic in the same week? Well, I do love to spoil my sinners. Hope you enjoy. This is like a same-vein fic to the Diavolo fic I posted called "Caught."

Pairing: Lucifer x oc! Altaira

CW: features afab/fem oc! Altaira who uses she/her pronouns. Smut. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Solo masturbation (male).

A/N: This one-shot scene is not canon to Altaira's fic.

Third person POV

Other Characters: mention Diavolo

Synopsis: It's late, and only the most absurd things happen when it's late. For example, like finding someone in a compromising position, but you just can't quite look away...

Minors and ageless blogs DNI

Masterlist

18+only

Enjoy~

"So, now you know about the Great Crimson Dogwood Fruit Famine," Lucifer stated at the end of his tutoring lecture.

Altaira continued writing, jotting down the last few things he mentioned. After she was done, she approached Lucifer's desk and laid her notebook down in front of him.

Leaning over near his shoulder, she pointed at a line and asked, "Did you say it had seven or nine disease outbreaks at this point?"

"You have it correct, it's seven," he answered.

"And..." she flipped a few pages, "Did you say legislation was passed here or here?"

"Ah, it's actually here," Lucifer corrected her. She took her pencil and corrected the note.

Satisfied, she took the notebook and closed it, walking back to her seat to put it away in her bag. "Thank you, Lucifer. I apologize about asking you to do this for me."

"Don't worry about it," he answered, watching her.

"I'll see you tomorrow, unless I think of anything else. Good night," she called to him on the way out of his office.

"Good night," he replied quietly. Once the door to his office was shut and her footsteps were far enough away, he gave a great sigh and slouched in his chair.

She has no idea what she does to me, he thought to himself.

He side-eyed the Demonus first, wondering if he could drink away his thoughts this time.

No, that would be the fourth time this month if I did that, he thought.

Instead, he rubbed his temples and tried to tear his thoughts away from the lingering scent of her perfume. It had hints of Jasmine and violet, mixed with musk and amber. That scent was his new favorite obsession when it came to her, nearly following her like an animal when he caught wind of it. He found himself having to physically halt himself, either by grabbing the counter or turning his head another direction and holding his breath.

And if it wasn't her perfume, it was him having to wrench his lustful gaze from her form as she walked away, hips swaying and thighs rubbing together. When she wore a fitted crimson silk blouse that outlined her tapered waist perfectly, he nearly moaned, as it became his new favorite thing she wore. Or how her lips, especially in his favorite shade on her, mahogany, would curl into a smile when she was amused. The way her wavy blonde locks tumbled down her back– and even her hair smelled delightful in the brief moments he was close enough to detect it. Berries that tied together perfectly with her perfume made her a walking distraction for him.

He was reminded of her hands, thinking of her standing next to him moments ago. How small they looked when she laid one on his desk to steady herself as she used the other to jot down his words. He thought of her beautifully manicured and claw-like black nails thrumming against the wood, and he liked those too. There was an element of danger to it that he enjoyed, and how it juxtaposed her sweet demeanor.

And, after being reminded of all those things, his slacks felt tight now, and he had fully worked himself up. Lucifer knew it was absurd for him to behave this way, no better than a beast or lower demon. He threw his head back in frustration, hoping it would just go away. But no, it never did. This was the third time it had happened that week alone, and not to mention all the other times the week prior that it happened, and regardless, it all ended the same: Just as he started to now, it ended with him unbuttoning and pulling the zipper down to free his hard cock.

The images in his head were more than enough to suffice. He had ample ideas of the things he wanted to do to her, with her. There was no shortage of imagining tying her up with black and red rope and making her beg, watching her pretty doll-like face ruined with pleasure as tears made streaks in her makeup. Certainly, there wasn't a lack of images he could pull from that he had carefully curated, ones of taking her on the desk of his office so everyone could hear how he claimed her, how she could never belong to anyone else.

But more than anything, in this particular moment, he imagined just simply making love to her. Soft and gentle touches exchanged between them, loving whispers and promises made, and soft moans escaping her lips as he slowly sank himself deeper and deeper inside of what he imagined was her perfect cunt. To have her look at him with such love and adoration? That was what he really desired, not with that guarded one she usually had around him. To be loved by her would be all he needed to survive, surely.

For now, though, he had to settle for this. He leaned back and rested his head against the back of the chair, his eyes closed. His hand gently grasped the shaft of his cock, just under the head, and he gasped softly. Oh, what he would give to have that be her delicate hand, or better yet, her slick velvet walls, rather than his hand. He imagined what it would be like to be enveloped in her scent, to feel her slick pouring over his cock and making the most disgusting yet satisfying sounds as he bounced her plush ass up and down in his lap.

He let out a short growl at his frustration, pumping his cock a little rougher in his hand. There was a desperation to feel how tight her walls could squeeze him. The scene switched to him guiding her to lay against his fine silk sheets, wanting to give her every second of his attention, every ounce of his love.

"Altaira..." he moaned softly. Just the sound of her name running off his tongue was adding fuel to his fire. He wanted to call her name again and again like a prayer.

"Lucifer," he imagined her calling back to him with that sweet voice of hers, a tone so honeyed and soft, sounding a little surprised. He imagined it was her shock of how good he made her feel, making her just as addicted to him as he was to her.

But what he didn't realize was that he wasn't imagining it. Altaira had come back into the office to ask him another question and came to find him seemingly purring her name over and over. She had said his name just as she was opening the door to his office, and by the time she had the door starting to close and turned around, she had finally laid her own gaze upon his form.

He was disheveled but stunning, sitting there with his head reclined back and brows furrowed, lips slightly parted. His tie was loose, and his waistcoat and shirt were half unbuttoned She could clearly see his cock in his hand. It was such a sight that she was frozen in place.

It was then he started to reach for his D.D.D., wanting to see an image of her, but his hand halted mid-stroke when his eyes opened to see her standing there in the flesh, just a few steps in front of his door. Her lips were parted into a very soft "o" shape as her eyes were glued to his cock, a bloom of red decorating her lower neck and upper chest with a blush that surely encased her whole body. That was, until she saw his eyes open, and her gaze snapped to his.

There was a silent stand-off for several seconds between the two.

"I-I'm... so-sorry..." she squeaked in a near-whisper. Her hand blindly looked for the doorknob behind her while she couldn't peel her eyes off of him.

It occurred to the demon that she wasn't vanishing, like smoke, wasn't visibly upset, and not chastising him. So, then, what was she thinking?

His lips curled into a slight smirk. "It's rude not to knock," he stated.

She swallowed thickly and gripped the doorknob tighter. "Um, I..." she couldn't even form a proper sentence.

"You were watching me, weren't you?" He nearly purred to her.

Her eyes finally dropped from his penetrating gaze. She immediately turned away to leave after feeling rapid shame flesh out against her whole body.

"Altaira."

She stopped, her back to him.

"Come here."

Very slowly, she turned back around and followed his command, step by step, making her way to his desk while keeping her eyes on the linoleum floor.

"Beside me," he added. She walked around his desk and finally stopped beside Lucifer, unable to meet his gaze. He had turned his chair to face her.

Reaching out, he grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. She gave a tiny gasp at the slight force, but it wasn't painful, just surprising.

"Were you watching me?" He asked huskily, his already sultry voice becoming laced with lust.

She hesitated, but when he didn't let her go, she finally nodded.

"Do you enjoy watching others?"

That question made her start to pull away, but he held her firmly in his palm. His crimson orbs were trained on her shadow blue ones, watching for fleeting thoughts and emotions.

"I'm not sure," she finally answered. He let out an amused puff of air through his nose in response.

"Well, why don't you take a seat so we can continue, hm?" He suggested with a wicked smirk smearing his lips. Her eyes glanced down, and then back up at the eldest. "Do you want to watch?"

She stared at him blankly for several moments. Weighing her options, eventually, curiosity won out, and she nodded slowly.

He released her and sat back in his chair again, legs spread out as he relaxed. Slowly, she sank down to her knees. She sat between Lucifer's knees and was now eye level with his cock, still hard and heavy in his hand. He began stroking it leisurely, and she watched intently with wide doe eyes. She took it all in; she looked at the tendons in his hand, his beautiful red polish coordinating perfectly with the red-flushed head of his cock. And lord, his cock was beautiful too. Curved and long, she wondered how it would feel in her hand, or more.

Of course, this did something for Lucifer, too. Her voyeurism matched his exhibitionism. He savored how she looked at him, her jewel-like eyes sparkling with intrigue and fascination– it was downright sinful. His ego was stoked to have the sole object of all his desires drink him in like water in the driest of deserts during a drought. Her lustful gaze made him feel feral. It brought him so close to the edge quickly that he had to slow down. Who knows when he would have this sort of opportunity again? Why rush?

"I do like watching. I like watching you," she finally whispered, meeting his gaze once more. Oh, that did absolutely nothing to stave off his looming orgasm.

"Do you, now? What about it do you like?" He asked in a murmur, still slowly fisting his cock.

"I like seeing how you pleasure yourself, and it's rather erotic to know you were doing this because of me. And, you like me watching, too, don't you?" She replied quietly, her voice smooth and siren-like.

He let out a soft but deep chuckle. She shifted around to get more comfortable, and he felt a little guilty for making her sit on the hard tile, but he promised in his head not to let that happen again. His thoughts were broken when he saw her hands come to rest on his knees, but she stopped herself and hovered.

"Go on," he muttered, his lids becoming heavy as he started pumping himself a little faster. Her small hands rested on his knees, and instantly, it felt like heaven to him to receive her touch. "Stay right there," he ordered.

As told, she remained still, holding onto his knees and watching with unashamed fascination.

So obedient, he thought. I'll have to remember that.

"What were you thinking about? Before I came in," she asked quietly, her gaze holding on to the movement of his hand.

"Someone who drives me crazy and doesn't even know it," he replied, his voice becoming breathless.

Her eyes flickered up to his at that.

"What is it about them that you like?" She pressed further.

"Everything. The way they walk, talk, smile, move, think, and it all enamored me from the start."

"And... what were you two doing in your thoughts?" Her fingers pressed a little harder into his legs, unknowingly to her, but all too knowingly to him.

"We were in my bed, and I was about to lay you back and ravish you," he murmured, his lids lowering as he felt his pleasure mounting again, the pool of heat in his abdomen climbing and spreading across his nerves.

"Me? You... You mean me?" She asked, her eyes widening with pleasant shock.

"Is that what I said?" He asked with a smirk.

He watched that lovely reddish hue splash across her neck and chest again, and when he happened to look up at her face, he noticed the tips of her ears reddening as well. Her breathing became shallow, and he could almost feel her heart rate climbing.

She's cute like this, he mused to himself.

"Maybe... We can explore that at another time," she whispered. His grip on his cock tightened at her words. Oh, to have her writhing beneath him. Her sweet moans in his room. Her voice calling only his name and not the name of that damned prince that was chasing after her. No, the mere idea of taking her up to his room... Yes, he thought, another time.

"Are you ready?" He asked breathlessly.

She nodded just the tiniest bit eagerly, he was glad to see. It was almost as if her eyes became hungrier, if that were possible.

"Are you going to sit here and watch me cum?" He pressed, hoping to get another cute reaction from her.

"Yes," she replied softly. "I w-want... to watch you cum."

Even her stammer was adorable. Fuck, I know if I asked her to do anything, she'd say yes. But this is new to both of us, and I don't want to scare her away or make her feel like she has to do anything.

"Just stay right there," he repeated his order, for her benefit and his.

"I've thought about this too," she admitted quietly. Her gaze was trained on his. "I wanted to see you. I want to know what it's like to... be with you, in that sense."

Does she even know what she does to me? He groaned internally. Fuck, tell me more.

"I want you, Lucifer."

Oh fuck.

He pumped his fist faster, his release suddenly that much closer than he initially thought. His cock began to throb in his hand, telling him as much. It felt like his heart was surely going to pound right out of his chest as his breathing quickened and pleasure heightened. He noticed her biting her lip and shifting around, realizing she was rubbing her thighs together to get some stimulation. That illustrious scent of hers wafted into the room, and he was done for.

"Ahh!" He moaned and then hissed, cum spurting out from his pulsing cock like a fountain. Soft white cream ran over his hand and down his trousers, dotting a few places on his thighs where it shot out. She looked mesmerized by him, her eyes widening and lips slightly parted. Low groans reverberated in his throat as he gazed down at her, noticing how her fingers pressed harder into his legs, how her own breath quickened.

When his orgasn finally released his body, he relaxed back and briefly closed his eyes, head rolled back. His hot, ragged breaths were the only sound in the room.

He looked forward again and admired the furious blush, searing her ivory skin across her chest, arms, neck. He imagined how red her face must have been under her makeup. But it was when he caught another whiff of that sweet scent of hers that he had to keep his grip on the arm of his chair or who knew what he would do.

"That was beautiful," she whispered, sitting back on her haunches slightly, relaxing. He smirked and sat forward slightly. "Thank you for letting me watch."

She's thanking me? Fuck, please don't do this to me. I can barely keep myself from touching her.

"Why don't you run along back to your room, hm?" He suggested softly, a wicked little smile smearing his mouth. She nodded and came to her feet, softly padding away from him. Not looking back, she left and ran off to her bedroom.

Once she was gone, he let out a low groan, wondering if that indeed happened. Before anyone else should see him like this, he quickly cleaned up and put himself back in order, sorting through his thoughts. Deciding he had spent enough time being unproductive, he retrieved some documents he needed to sign.

---

It was roughly an hour later, work completed, that he was putting everything away to go to bed when his D.D.D. buzzed on his desk. Opening the device, he saw the message from her.

Altaira: I could use some help, too, if you don't mind.

Not even bothering to answer, he left his office in a flash. On the way, he scoffed at his absurdity but ultimately decided he didn't care. If this was his opportunity to finally get his chance with her, he'd be a damned fool not to take it.

---

Thanks for reading <3

Post made by sassykattery. Do not repost. Reblogs and comments appreciated.

Tags:

@delphi-dreamin @bite-sized-devil @itsmeninerz @marvelous-maniac @obeymediasimp @frozengoldie @flemmingbamse

[evanox]

THEH RELEASED A TEASWR FOR THE NEW PJO SERIES!!!! IM THROWING UPPPO I LOVE ITTTTT

alright I’m calm now (lie)

So when you first sent this many months ago, I didn't know there was a trailer so I only found out through your ask. I was so, so incredibly excited when I watched it I didn't know how to put that excitement into words and thus couldn't get to your ask right away. Then I kept forgetting, and then forgetfulness turned into embarrassment because how could I answer this ask after leaving it for so long? In light of Rick Riordan's recent statement on the Palestinian genocide, however, I think there's no better time to get back to this ask than now. Do forgive me for using your dust-laden ask as a chance to vent out my frustration.

PJO was a huge part of my childhood; it was my introduction to fandom life as I set up my tumblr back in 2015 and followed any cool PJO blog I could find while also making my own shitposts. All of my first online friends were people I found through PJO, some of whom I'm still friends with to this day. Even as I started losing interest and distanced myself from the fandom, I still found myself seeking out PJO/PJO-inspired rp blogs to join because that's how much I loved the world of demigods.

So you can imagine how excited I was to hear that there's a more faithful adaptation of the series, one that Riordan himself approved of (unlike the-movie-that-shall-not-be-named). You can also imagine how Rick has very much fallen from my eyes, as has anyone who still puts him up on a pedestal and chooses to support him, after his statement.

When you don't know enough about something, the reasonable thing to do is A. educate yourself before speaking out on it, or B. literally just shut up. I find it very ironic how Rick made sure to establish at the very start of his statement that he's just too busy for social media, so busy he does not "read posts, reply to posts, or share [his] thoughts about world events," but I guess he still finds himself qualified to step up and preach about what's happening in Palestine. Palestinian journalists have lost their lives documenting Israel's atrocities (before and after October 7); families can no longer grieve in peace because they have to hold up their dead children before cameras in hopes that people will think we deserve basic human rights; after everything everyone has done to amplify their voices, I do not know he could come up with a take this bad. Maybe if Rick took a nice proper scroll through social media before taking on the moral high ground, he'd be singing a different tune.

He claims that fanmail was his window to both sides of the conflict but it's hard to believe he's been receiving mail from many Palestinian and Israeli children in the past 18 years when his contact information from as far back as 2011 mentions that his writing schedule had gotten too intense to keep up with fanmail, and his most recent contact information page says he's straight up not accepting fanmail anymore, physical or otherwise (I assume that was back in 2019-2020 since he mentioned remote work and safety measure related to the pandemic, but I could be wrong). Call me cynical but it's hard to take seriously his implication that children of both sides have come to him about losing family members to violence and waking up to the sound of gunshots and bombs when I've had to watch Israeli settlers take to tiktok along with their kids to make a mockery out of Palestinian suffering and flex having the basic resources Palestinians have no access to, while every video update filmed by Palestinians is backed by the sound of military surveillance drones hovering over their heads night and day. Israeli settlers get to make cutesy tiktoks about looking for gluten-free flour while Palestinian kids are digging for their toys under the rubble of their homes and gathering in hundreds and thousands to beg for a few spoonfuls of soup. The only bread they could bake is from the fire fed by debris from the wreckage of their homes. Yeah, both sides sure are suffering the same hell :((

"If there are two sides to this issue, those sides are not Palestinian/Israeli or Muslim/Jewish. The two sides are humanitarian and dehumanizing." Actually, there are two sides to this and they're "genocidal illegal ethnostate" and "native people who were minding their business in their own land, welcomed survivors of the Holocaust with open arms, only to find themselves getting pushed out of their homes for the coming century." Not choosing a side (or preaching about how you're on the side of humanitarianism) puts you on the side of oppressor, period.

"It is easy to point to atrocities committed by our enemies, while justifying or minimizing the atrocities committed by ourselves or our allies." Boy you're outta your mind if you think anything committed by Palestinian resistance is in any way, shape, or form equitable to Israel's crimes in the past 75 years. It's hilarious how he can admit that what Israel is committing is genocide but goes on to say that Israel deserves "security and support," but I guess Hamas isn't deserving of the same sentiment when it retaliates to 75 years of terrorism and ethnic cleansing. The best Palestinians deserve is "international aid," not like the very Israel you support has been blocking off any aid people have been trying to get into Palestine.

"If violence could end violence, if we could put an end to 'those other people' once and for all, human history would read very differently than it does," has the same energy as going bUt mArTiN LuThEr KiNg Jr BeLiEvEd iN nOnViOLeNcE while actively ignoring that he did end up getting assassinated at the end of the day, and also the fact that his message of nonviolence has gotten distorted over the years to villainize those who resist in a way that disturbs white peace a lil too much.

Never mind the fact that peaceful resistance has never paid off against Israel. Never mind the fact that Israel has been using "Hamas hides behind civilians!!!" excuse to blow up hospitals, schools, refugee camps, and homes when in reality they don't know jackshit about where Hamas is, and every claim at knowing the location of their bases turned out to be a ridiculously stupid lie. Never mind the fact that Israel has admitted to killing its own people because "they kinda looked like Palestinian civilians ig lol" and they're just too trigger-happy. Does that sound like a "country" that gives a horse's ass about peace to you?

And just like that, he goes back to promoting his book and talking about his trip in the same blog post, like talking about Palestine/Israel is a chore he checks off his list to make sure we all know what a good guy he is.

So yeah, I am sad that I won't be able to enjoy a show I was so looking forward to (and it does look really good), but I am a Muslim Palestinian before I am a fan, and we're all human at the end of the day. You have to be a special kind of ignorant (or racist, or straight-up heartless) to see what we've already seen and still preach about "peace (and a two-state solution teehee)<33" being the only acceptable solution.

Maybe it's because I don't have as many PJO mutuals as I did back in late 2010s, but I haven't really seen many people speak out about this on tumblr which is why I think it's still worth talking about even when this isn't the type of post I'd normally write. Please boycott the show (or like do me a favor and block me/don't put that shit on my dash if we're mutuals). I've always admired Riordan as a kid so the least he could do is pull his head out of the ground and take a proper good look at what's actually happening in the world.

[athenaalexandria]

I’ve also been thinking about ableism in America. Did you know researchers who taught sign language to chimps didn’t actually know sign language itself. They just took floating signs and modified them for ape hands and gave this new language spoken grammar. So not only are we saying that sign language isn’t a language and not respecting it, but we are also trying to force animals to communicate our way when really we should be trying to learn how to communicate their way. Like this is why so many neurotypicals are AWFUL pet owners. They don’t listen to their pet because they refuse to learn how and so even though they may love their pet they still hurt them in a myriad of ways simply because they refuse to understand that animals aren’t people and also aren’t toys but their own unique creature with their own unique communication.

Also continuing on the ableism side, why is it that when I am so depressed I want to go on a sewer slide and have to leave work for a few months, everyone’s first question is when I’ll be back to work. Not if I’m ok, not how they can help, but when I’ll be better and can get back to labor. Also there are companies that exist purely to say “you don’t deserve this time off so we won’t be giving you your pittance to live off of while you are sick”. It’s almost as bad as health insurance.

Also, why do people always assume the worst of your words? They never give the benefit of the doubt. They find the worst possible reading of your words and go off of that. Like I express frustration around getting my ADHD meds, and I get yelled at for wanting addicts to die. Like what??? Or I want to share a fun thing I made, and I get “called out” for advertising and being a shill. Like no we were talking about TikTok, I made a TikTok I was proud of that was getting traction and wanted to share my joy, and I get shut down.

Also I hold grudges for so long. Like these things happened 2 years ago and I’m still mad about it. I have to fight off the urge to message these people to this day. I blame being a Pisces because I’m hilarious.

I’ve been failed by nearly everyone in my life so consistently and egregiously that I don’t think I will ever be able to live a normal life. I am forever dealing with the consequences of other people’s choices on how they treated me, and that hurts more than the original acts themselves. Cutting off contact with parents cut my souls into ribbons. My “friends” only spending time with me out of pity cracked my mind. The crushing loneliness broke my body. And I was only 10. I’m a shriveled version of what I could have been. I don’t dislike who I have become, but I will never be thankful for the pain I’ve been through. Trauma doesn’t have silver linings, damage isn’t good, it’s just pain. You could have been who you are now with no hurt.

Anyways I’m really high, and I’ve been battling the realization that I might have DID or OSDD or something and I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions especially since I’m back on my HRT again. Not sure what this is but honestly I’m using tumblr as a diary at this point and that’s ok with me. I like the idea that nobody sees these posts so I can vent with the chance that maybe one day someone will stumble upon my blog diary thing as like an archeological find. Like oh wow here’s some ancient writings from a transgender lesbian with chronic pain and many mental disabilities! What a rare find!

Oh also I meant to bring up therapy is great but you have to show your cracks so they can put bandaids on and teach you the exercises to heal the breaks.

Plagiarism is bad, I’m sleepy? Goodnight

[noteguk]

how things have been and where do we go from here: a very needed and overdue update

Hello, everyone! A few hours ago I made my first post in a little over a year on this blog. The way I left was very abrupt and I pretty much ghosted everyone, so this is a post explaining why that happened and what are my plans moving forward. I’ll be as honest as I can and, before the cut, there is a shortened version of events and a quick Q&A of the things most people care about. If you don’t wanna read any more than that, it’s totally fine!

So, to keep things simple: a lot of things happened at once and, combining with a growing dissatisfaction with my writing, I just… deleted tumblr off my phone and decided to give myself a few months off. But one thing led to another, I had a few too many personal tragedies, med school got the best of me (which I finished last month, yay!) and I didn’t come back. Simple as that: life got in the way.

I tried to write here and there, but I was completely burned out and nothing came out properly. What was once an escape to me turned into something I was forcing myself to do and, along with my distancing from the fandom and BTS as a whole, I just didn’t have any inspiration. Hopefully that cloud has passed now. So here are my plans for this blog as of now.

Bad Influence Series: as previously stated, bad karma is the last part of the ongoing series timeline. I promised a final epilogue and that’s something that I’ll try my best to deliver, since so many people have devoted themselves to this couple. Being very frank, it’s not amongst my plans to post any more drabbles after that. And I’ll try to post a new work before I come back to BI.

Other stories: I came back with the prime intention to write again, but I must say it will not be as frequent as it used to be — not only for time management reasons, but because I don’t wanna burn myself out. I’ll take things slowly and try to focus more on shorter stories (so no more series for now), intercalating that with bigger ones. By the time I left I was pretty much posting 5k+ fics every week, which will not happen again (I don’t even have the brain for that honestly lmao)

Is this a definite return? Well… I don’t know. This is a risky attempt at most, honestly. I’ll try my best and I’ll start writing again, but there’s always a chance that this phase has passed for me and nothing will come out of this. Regardless, even if that is the case, I won’t vanish like last time, and I’ll make a proper goodbye post. I miss and love this community very much and I admit I’m shameful of the way I left. This blog has been a home to me and you guys have turned into such good friends, I really miss it all!

For those who want to know the details, read below the cut. For those who don’t, thank you for coming this far and thank you for still caring about my silly little blog. You guys have supported me through it all and I’m extremely thankful for it.

If I were to make a list of everything that happened this last year, we’d stay here for a very long time. Around the time that I left, things have started getting really complicated on my personal sphere: I started working on my closing thesis for med school, started my last year of it, had a huge falling out with my best friend and lost someone I loved very much. All that combined with my previously stated frustration with writing, plus my decaying mental health, it wasn’t surprising looking back that I freaked out and left the way I did.

My main issue with writing was something that hasn’t really changed, that’s why I’m hesitant to claim this as a comeback: I started feeling really weird about writing about real people. That has never been an issue before, and it’s not a moral attack against writers here or anything like that. I just started feeling strange about it, and I couldn’t shake that feeling off. Maybe it was just a side effect of being burned out, because it wasn’t as if OCs or anime stories were coming out any easier. So I gave myself time. And I hope that is enough.

The plan was to come back around July 2022, but I had a very traumatic death in my nuclear family and I stopped functioning completely. Luckily I have very amazing people in my life who helped me through the hardest parts of it, but, still, I guess it’s easy to see why writing wasn’t in the forefront of my mind.

Other than that — gurl u have no idea about the shit I’ve done lmaooo. I worked six months delivering babies??? Which was crazy??? I also studied under amazing professionals in a neonatal ICU, participated in so many surgeries and even published two papers. Your girl has been BUSY, I’ll tell you that. This past year has been one of immense personal and academic growth and, overall, I’m really happy about it. I also met the love of my life but that’s a story for another day.

So, again: my plans moving forward. Simply and objectively: try my best and hope to succeed. Once again, I miss you guys so much, and I admit I sneakily came back once or twice to see how things have been and all the messages I’ve gotten in the meantime. I’m flabbergasted and grateful at the continuous support you’ve thrown my way and it’s one of the main reasons why I decided to give this blog another go. So, yeah. Let’s see how this goes!

[frecklystars]

Every now and again I’ll see your vent posts and just feel this….surge of empathy and understanding. I don’t have ptsd, but I do have GAD and Panic Disorder. I know what it’s like to go days without sleeping because your brain just WILL NOT relax. I know the feeling of spiraling, of all the negative thoughts and physical feelings becoming the only thing you feel, and feeling like you’re alone in your little universe. I know what it’s like to have to force yourself to chew and swallow every bite of food, because you’re so anxious that you’re not hungry, and eating makes you nauseous. I know the crushing, DEBILITATING frustration at yourself and your brain, and the thoughts of “why can’t I just be normal?? why can’t I be happy??”.

I also know the giddiness and joy from realizing you just enjoyed a hobby! You slept a full 8 hours! You went out with friends and enjoyed yourself! You ate food and loved it! You engaged in your special interest!

Mental health issues are a series of ups and downs. I know it’s easy to get frustrated with yourself for having a bad mental health day (or week, or weeks), or for not enjoying things you should, or for getting triggered, but getting frustrated at yourself will only make it worse. You can only control how you care for yourself during these times. Be kind to yourself, coddle your brain. It’s going to be ok. Do whatever you need to ride the wave and get through it.

Your followers love you, and Barbie and Ken love you too!

We’re always here for you!

You sent this at the perfect time... I just spiraled for an hour after jolting awake from a nightmare. I haven't gotten any peace in almost 2 years now and it just feels like it's never going to end. I have been laying in bed crying and feeling so hopeless, like I'm just never going to feel safe ever again. I typed up a vent post, deleted it before I could post it. Typed it up again. Deleted it. Did this about three more times and spiraled over how I don't even feel safe making a vent post on my own blog... but then I opened my inbox, saw this was just sent to me today, and felt a little bit of comfort/relief ;-;

I'm so sorry that you go through this too, even if it's not ptsd, GAD and panic disorder is definitely in the same field, since ptsd is an anxiety disorder after all... wait -- uh, well, apparently according to the internet, it is "no longer classified as an anxiety disorder and is now a trauma/stress disorder" but whatever y'know what my anxiety is heightened 24/7 at all times so i feel in my heart it is also an Anxiety Disorder™. it feels like a bad dream you can't wake up from when your brain just Will Not Turn Off. i wont go into TOO much detail bc im not sure if im in a safe position to do so, but i have had incidents happening every other month regarding my situation with my cptsd and the person who gave me cptsd, and i had a really... fucking horrific online situation a few months ago where someone pretended to be my friend for almost a year. the intentions were malicious. it was not someone being genuinely friendly. it was a trap. long story of how, but i caught onto it, and thankfully i never gave this person access to my dms/discord, i only answered their inbox messages once in a while when i had energy, but i found out it was all faked. they even drew pictures for me! who tf wastes THAT much time and energy pretending to be someone's friend just to gain their trust? my god. exhausting.

the last few months, ive been worrying that my F/Os would do the same thing to me. if someone dedicated themselves for a year to be on my side, when secretly they had malicious intentions, then...??? what would be stopping my F/Os from doing the same? if complete strangers can be so easily manipulated into trying to harm me, what is stopping my F/Os from being manipulated to turn against me? are my F/Os just pretending to love me? that's why self shipping has felt impossible lately. that's why i've been asking for so many reassuring posts that barbie/ken/whoever wouldn't be turned against me and would still be on my side and, like. aren't secretly out to get me or whatever. and it hurts because i have so many people on this hellsite i want to be friends with, but i don't allow access to my dms and i try not to get too close, just in case if it's another trap. i shouldn't have to worry about shit like that, y'know :c

anyway im so sorry that you go through similar shit, because this sucks. not being able to sleep for DAYS sucks, and i feel like -- people who hear that dont really hear that. going without sleep for a few hours sucks, but going without sleep for DAYS bc youre so panicked and overwhelmed?? dude it's awful. it's hell. not being able to eat is so hard too, im sorry you go through that as well. i have been unable to keep half of my meals down for the last couple of years because im so anxious and the nightmares/flashbacks just bring it back up. i wish you didnt have to go through that either, feeling too nauseous/anxious to eat and literally having to force yourself to take one bite at a time. i want you to know i am very proud of you for still trying to eat and sleep even though it's extremely hard. i see you striving.

I teared up reading your message. you seem like you really understand ;-; I think you're the first person to acknowledge "hey you felt joy, even for a moment, that's good!" because most of the time when I post "hey I think i felt okay right now in this moment for just a few minutes. look at this screenshot of an F/O i love them very much and feel good with them rn!" some people might misinterpret it as "I am cured!!!" and I always feel weird/like i've misled people unintentionally when I go back to making a vent post because some people say "oh no, you were doing better!" and I feel like... I wasn't doing... better, I was just... experiencing momentary relief. and yeah in a way that WAS me doing better, in a sense! but I am in a position where I only feel moments of joy/relief/safety every once in a while, and just hoping beyond hope that those moments finally turn into hours or days or weeks, and that I eventually will go back to "I feel okay most of the time, and only have bad days sometimes". i try to tell myself i didnt feel THIS bad a few months ago, i just... ive felt really bad the last few months bc of the most recent incident. and im reminded of that, when you said its possible to have a bad mental health day, or week, or even months. i think im having a bad mental health... months.

anyway god yeah you get it. sleeping a full 8 hours!! eating a whole meal and enjoying it!! enjoying a hobby, engaging in a special interest!!! we gotta hold onto these things and document them. i write down every good dream i have because it's so rare now that i ever have a good dream. i try to write down when i feel good with an F/O and put it in my Love Notes tag. i made an AU with Officer K from blade runner, and indulged in it, and i messaged a friend on discord today all about my AU because i want to tell myself "hey, look, you ENJOYED this AU you made. you are thinking of an F/O. you feel good with this F/O right now, even if it was just for ten minutes." i took pictures of the heart-shaped cookies i baked and tried to tell myself i felt good posing my dolls with those cookies. the actual act of baking and decorating the cookies didn't make me feel anything whatsoever, but putting my dolls next to them and decorating everything with my flowers and my photos... that felt good. i want to remember that felt good. i queued those photos to post on tuesday because i want to look back on my love notes tag and remember "hey, even during the worst fucking time of my life, i still felt some joy, maybe that joy will happen again"

that's why i want to get back into the habit of blogging again, of self shipping again. i want to document that joy really does happen. when im drawing myself with my F/Os, right now, i feel nothing, but if i keep doing it over and over again, maybe i will get back into the habit of it, and it'll make my brain remember "oh yeah, this is supposed to feel good!" re-working that mental muscle. or, like... when i saw those Barbie and Ken campfire dolls for preorder, i gasped and i felt so genuinely excited. and then i felt so unbearably sad again. BUT the excitement was THERE!!! it EXISTED!!! it was momentary!! but that means im capable of feeling joy. it's just overshadowed by the trauma and the constant stress. when that trauma and stress is dealt with, when i finally someday figure out how to get better, then i should be able to feel joy again. just like when you are able to have your good days and get a handle on your anxiety, you feel joy too. and over time it will build up and we will have more good moments that turn into good days.

i believe in us. holding your hand through it, i am on your side and i got your back. keep trying to eat and sleep and socialize and go out and do fun things, even though your anxiety is making it super hard. i am rooting for you. every time you try to eat, you can think of me cheering you on. when youre awake at night and cannot sleep for the life of you, i would bet money that i am awake too. you can think of me. mentally laying on the carpet next to you and staring at the ceiling with you. we're both not sleeping together. and on nights (or days, depending on your sleep schedule, personally i have been sleeping roughly from 10am to 3pm these days) if you DO get sleep, i want you to know i am so happy for you and so proud of you. picture me throwing confetti in the air for you!! multicolored confetti, with those little pastel star stickers... hell yeah. i am always in your corner and i am rooting for you, anon. whoever you are, wherever you are, there is a girl on the internet in some corner of this huge universe who is on your side (that's me!) and if you ever feel alone you can always think "well hey, frecklystars/keri feels this way too, we are in this together"

thank you for reassuring me that this is normal, for our circumstances at least, this is normal for us. i wanna get better so bad dude. im sorry my response to you is during a time when i just had a really bad meltdown and cried my eyes out, so. i . am not as positive as i could be and i think my reply was all over the place. but i am hugging you so hard. i really really really appreciate you reaching out to me. it has been so unbearable for so so so long now and i am so tired of feeling so bad. i think if the current situation im stuck in would just end already, i would be able to heal properly. i have not fully gotten out of my situation yet and i dont know how i'll be able to leave it. but. i keep hoping beyond hope i will be able to fully separate myself from the danger, and then ill be able to heal properly. and honestly, even if i never separate myself from it, i think there will come a day where i will feel annoyed instead of fear. like a new Thing will happen to me and i'll just chuckle and say "wow how pathetic. this again?" and then move on. but until then, it is kind messages from people like you that keep me going. i mean it, i am deadly serious, i rely so much on the kind words of others to keep me sane through all this. i feel like i am constantly on the edge of a precipice barely clinging for my life and the encouragement from kind people telling me "don't worry!!! it will get better!!! you will finally find peace one day" or "hey i know how you feel, it's okay to feel this way, i feel this way too and i'm empathizing with you" always helps me hang on a little longer. i love you thank you. it's 7am i'm gonna lie down and stare at the ceiling now. giving you hugs and sending you little stars 🌟✨

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Life chat beneath the cut. I feel like this one is a bit on the whiney complainy side, but it is where I am now, so I'm keeping it for posterity, lol! But don't read if you're not down for some whine and cheese xD

So I took the last week off from work. I was frustrated, because I didn't go anywhere- it was a staycation. We opted for that mostly because I was going to lose my gd mind if I didn't get some time off. I get 3 weeks off per year, plus a week closure around Christmas "made of" federal holidays that we do not get, so I try to optimize my time off. But... I didn't have the brain space to do anything, and also, as I tried to plan things... Holy damn, everything is so much more expensive than it was even like three years ago.

But now I'm further frustrated because I spent the vast majority of the week just doing damned chores and household projects. Like, I told myself I would stop doing any chores yesterday, but I still spent until 2 PM exercising and doing "a few quick things." The same thing happened today. I'm kind of in, like, a horrible sort of awe of how long shit takes, man. For example, it took my husband and I about 2 hr to take down a broken ceiling fan that was 30 years old and not very user friendly and replace it with a new one. It took me an hour with a hair drier and a scraper to remove like 2.5 cm of hot glue from a doll's head (holding her removable eyes in place) so I could send her out to be painted. And I spent 40-90 min outside for like 8-12 days weeding and doing some basic yard work to prep for a mulch delivery.

I'm trying to be more fit recently. I am, ah. A very unfit human. I think I somehow have not mentioned this in the 12 years of this blog, but... I've had a million surgeries on my hip and spent roughly age 6 months to 2 yrs in a body cast, then until roughly age 4 in physical therapy to learn to move around. I'm clumsy and can just, like, fall over unprompted, I assume because of all that. I don't have the full range of movement in my lower body, so doing physical things can be... Really daunting. I always put exercise and mobility training off.

And of course, it's starting to bite my ass, lmao. I recently learned that humans begin losing muscle mass in their 30s, meaning that weight training is essential. I also learned that using a machine to exercise (like an elliptical) is only good for cardiovascular health. The machine takes on a lot of the... strain?? Work?? Of moving, meaning you aren't working your body in the same way as when you just... Walk. It's meant to help you work out longer, so you can develop your cardiovascular system. (Incidentally, this is why walking and hiking are great exercise).

That's why I took on a lot of the gardening/yard work. I did clear out all of the weeds! And the way my soreness decreased over the days means that I did something good for my body.

But, like. The amount of time caring for your body takes is absolutely gobsmackingly unreal. Holy shit god damn! I've always struggled to keep the balls of work, mental health, creativity, physical health, and social health in the air, not touching on chores and stuff. The physical ball is the one I always put down first.

But I only get this one body, and the American healthcare system is a nightmare. So... Yeah, the priorities need to shift here. My foot has been hurting for a few weeks, now, and it happened last year after Japan, too. It's time to actually go to the doctor for that.

I am sensing more and more that I need to give less to work, too. That's difficult for someone like me to do, because I always feel a deep need to do my best with everything. But... Working this hard just isn't sustainable, and it isn't as if I'm rewarded over someone in the same position who does less.

I haven't had much of an opportunity to rest or do anything creative this week, despite being off. And I'm just as distressed by the fact that um... Just being gone at work from 8:20 AM-5:50 PM every day makes it impossible to do the tasks that built up over the last 3-4 years of being in this home. You know, sometimes people tell me, "But what would you do if you didn't have a job? I'd go crazy!" And I'm like- DUDE. DUDE! I could exercise, walk, work on house projects, and do chores all day every day for like three years and still have stuff to do! That doesn't even touch the personal projects and hobbies I want to work on.

Hopefully, I can figure out some kind of balance that works for me and is healthy. I wish you all the best, my dears <3

[strawberry-chuuice]

I'm so sorry to disappoint everyone like this again but...

I've been thinking about it and I need to go under another hiatus. I usually go away for a while without any warning, mostly because whenever that happens means that my "social battery" and "internet life battery" have drained out. When it's just one of those I feel like I can recharge faster, therefore I'm able to come back fast too. However, the mix of both creates a state in which I can't do anything at all for (sometimes) months.

But that's not the case right now. I can tell that I still want to interact (even if I never know how) so the "battery" thing isn't the problem here.

I don't even know how to explain it so to sum it all up I'll just say "health". Both mental and non-mental, mostly the second. I'm not okay, basically. I've never been one to take her own health seriously, so these are just the side effects of neglecting myself. I've been waking up the past few days thinking that I'll feel better, but it doesn't happen.

It's really frustrating because I felt the motivation to do something for the first time in months (the cookie run series) and it doesn't usually happen. I even started to write some things, one of them was supposed to be posted on my main blog a few days ago, but couldn't get myself to. As I always confirm, whenever I've been feeling okay for longer than I should or something good happens to me, something bad comes and disturbs my peace.

I'm not really the most active person here, I'm not well known like other blogs at all either, but I felt the need to make this post using the little energy that I have. I'll try as hard as I can to be away from this app (because I'll just feel worse if I see I can't get myself to do anything), but I might check DMs from time to time, I can't promise to reply though.

If you've reached this, thank you for reading, I hope I can see you all soon.

[admirableadmiranda]

Hi! While not new to tumblr it’s been quite a while and oh boy, I wasn’t expecting some of the drama that’s been happening all because of people moving from twitter to tumblr. Though I am a jc/xicheng main myself, I’m sorry y’all are having to deal with this.

Personally, I understand not feeling how fanon can change a character. I’ve felt this way about lwj sometimes (some ppl make him care too much about jc that it feels ooc) so I often avoid certain things and that even includes some themes of xicheng that makes wangxian completely different). Ah, I’m saying that gibberish to mean that I can relate to the frustration even if it’s not the same—

You should be allowed to vent and talk about it. You guys created a tag specific to that too and you guys don’t bother other tags either. I don’t see what the issue is personally with that.

Also, just bc I’ve seen this accusation a bit, I don’t think it’s the JC Stans who’ve been on tumblr for quite a while causing the drama so much as it’s those moving from twitter. Even some tumblr Jc fans have said themselves [paraphrased] “they created that tag quite a while ago. Best to just mute the tag and let them be.” Honestly, I didn’t even know that tag existed until people started pointing it out. If you’re in the general Jc tag, you don’t see the canon Jc tag stuff anyway.

I say the best thing is to just ignore them and keep posting meta/analysis there as you guys have been. I’ve seen fandom discourse get bad enough (*cough* FE3H fandom *cough*) that you just learn to ignore, block, and keep doing the norm. They’ll leave you alone when they see they can’t move you. And if they’ve blocked you, they’re only doing it to themselves.

Hi Anon. Thank you for stopping by, it really is lovely to see you.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I think we can definitely agree on just not vibing with certain types of fanon even if we aren’t bothered by it existing as long as we can still play our own way. I have no beef with Xicheng fans at all, it’s just not my thing (and I totally get you on the LWJ bit of it too).

I really don’t know why it’s suddenly such an issue now too! We had like eight months of total peace about the tag! It made sense for those of us here and allowed us to stop feuding and I was happy with that. It’s nice to just have an easy shorthand where both sides can filter out the one they don’t want and go from there.

Yeah I agree that it’s the Twitter fans. I’ve had a couple of people say that the tag has been overrun by antis and that’s what gets me there, cause I was one of the first to start using it at all, so can a tag really be overrun if that’s how it was always used? It wasn’t like we stole it or anything, I don’t think it existed outside of a few quieter blogs before my friends and I got in on the whole thing. I’m glad to hear that tumblr JC fans are also being reasonable about the whole thing.

<3 thank you Anon for the suggestion. I shall do my best to not start up new fights, but honestly I do tend to bite back when people bring the fight to my posts and inbox. But I shall continue to tag accordingly and hopefully all shall die down soon and we can return to our relative harmony.

I hope you continue to have good times here and enjoy your purple lotus as you love him best! Thanks for taking the time to drop by. It really meant a lot to me this morning.

[minnasankyuu]

Everyone, thank you!

Welcome everyone!

I'm making this blog in an attempt to discuss a lot of things I thought I'd actually be creating and making to share with the world. My ultimate dream of creation, if you will. I'd be making videos on YouTube or already have my art posted honestly if I had the energy to do so.

Which is why I'm here. I haven't had the energy to really create in the medium I'm used to. At a time in my life where I should feel the most energized, I'm not working a soul sucking job, and I'm at the most peace I've ever been... my health is what's turned on me. So, I have to discuss that first unfortunately before I dive into what I want to be a wonderful world of creativity and better discussion.

The TL;DR: I'm not sure what it is, but it's been debilitating. I'm worried it may be something serious.

The long story: Sometime back in September 2022, I felt rib pain at work. A few days later, I'm still not sure what happened but it felt either a heart attack, panic attack, or stroke. I could see fine, limbs were still working, I could talk, I just felt like I really needed to throw up with a general sense of I need help. Urgent care said I should go to emergency. Emergency showed I was normal.

I lived. But my body felt really weak and fatigued over the next few days. I felt constant shocks and tingling sensations in my right face, right arm, right ribs, pelvis, and left leg. I could see out of each eye just fine, but at certain times, I could feel it kinda' going in and out. You know, like that feeling you get when you're just not really focused on any particular thing or you're spacing out? That feeling. I went to urgent care to see if they could do something, then I went to a doctor for blood tests... all normal. So, I didn't think much of it. I was still able to go and work, but it was a chore. I had drank so much water and my body still felt drained. I couldn't even eat. I had dropped like 5 pounds not by choice, but because eating felt like I had to force it. I was light-headed and just in pain.

Then, one day, trying to do a push up, I felt so frustrated at how tired my body was that I started to cry on the floor. It felt like I messed up something bad. But then, I grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and felt like I had energy again that I hadn't felt in days. I could eat normal. I thought maybe I was overhydrating to compensate for what happened.

Still feel the weird nerve pain for a few months, I went to the ER before I finally started my new job. I had to know if I messed something up. How bad was it. And... my tests came back normal. I was worried about gallstones, liver, kidney, kidney stones... and nothing. CT scan came back normal. It was a relief. So, I thought maybe it's just something that happened that day that would just get better over time.

As I adjusted to not constantly being on my feet and forcing myself to push through on my foot I had broken years ago, the nerve pain started to... get better/change. I also noticed that as I started sitting more, the nerve pain moved. Almost as if I was pinching something or maybe a disc slipped. It would make sense, my gait worsened over the years and I have gotten to a point where my right shoulder is slumped bad and forward (even before the incident). My right hip sits very high in comparison to my left. When I plant both feet on the ground, my left sits comfortably where at times, my right foot is either tight or my heel is raised.

One day, I realized that where I slept on my bed wasn't great: I actually had my right side somewhat off the edge and close to the wall. Tired of all the pain, I adjusted my body started focusing on my posture. I slept in the middle of my bed. And boy... what an experience that was. My rib cage felt like it inflated and swole up and for the next few days just a wave of pain moved from there, to my shoulder, to my face and felt like it was going to take over my brain. It was very creepy and frightening. I had tension headaches and weird nerve shocks crawling in my lip and neck. But, my doctor told me once I told him I adjusted how I slept maybe this was all just musculoskeletal.

Well, that might be right, I'm not sure. Suddenly however, I remember feeling really chipper and good about work. I went to go plop down in my seat and as I did, it felt like a bolt or shock ran down my left arm. Suddenly, my work felt clumsy. I was typing things that used to feel automatic incorrectly. And all I could think about was my left arm now getting this pain.

I went to ER that day and talked about the pain I had been feeling because I was in fear of this being something serious. The triage guy was in a mood that day and was really rude to the lady before me who had broken her ankle and to me when I explained the pain. I spent 6 hours waiting (most likely because the triage guy classified my pain low) and all I got was an anxiety/panic attack diagnosis. They saw my previous CT and based it off that. I asked if they could at least examine my spine and got a no. So, I went home, out $300, disappointed.

I stopped by CVS and got one of those electrolyte mixer things, chugged one before I went to sleep, and just passed out. I actually slept nearly on my stomach, I was that frustrated. And suddenly, four hours later even without food, I felt like nothing in my body was wrong and I could run a whole marathon. It was surreal. So, I bought packs of them thinking maybe there's just an electrolyte imbalance. But... that would wear off. What I found was that actually, sometimes depending on how I slept, my body would react differently.

So, things were well enough that I fought through it. Then, May... things got weird. I started feeling more queasy at work. Sleeping posture stopped mattering. I started therapy (which I wanted to do to talk about my life issues anyway, but this ended up being a bigger thing that my doctor sent me to because of his anxiety conclusion). But the therapy person scared me off so hard from going there ever again (I think she had the idea that my depression was from a mental thing, not that I'm in literal physical pain and it's been affecting me). She suggested Desvenlafaxine to start (she did explain the side effects, which scared me even more) and then said the worst thing she could have: the possibility of going to ketamine. Fuck no.

I never found more will power in my life, but I still felt ill. I just powered through a lot of it. Until we went to a fun little golf thing where you just tee off and hit a ball as far as you could. It was a lot of fun. Except, I realized something: my peripheral vision in my right eye was weird. Like, I could see the field just find but I was really looking hard to the right to look at anything that way. Not only that, but after all the swinging, I felt super queasy. We all sat down to eat (and let me say it now, I could throw down. You could put a 1/2 pound burger in front of me and I'll still probably eat even more after) and I grabbed a small, small plate of food and I started to eat and thought I couldn't fit anymore. Thankfully we were all talking so I used that as an excuse to not really eat as much. But it took me 30+ minutes to get through it.

I called out of work and told them I was going to the doctor the next day because I felt like hell when I came home from it. Just felt like a bunch of gastrointestinal stuff just made me feel like crap and my nerves were acting up again. I begged for a neurologist during my visit (which hopefully I can see next month) and I also scheduled a visit with an ophthalmologist about the vision.

Welp, go figure that out of all the doctors I've seen, the ophthalmologist was somehow the most helpful and caring. They did initial testing and he heard out the incident in September. He looked puzzled at first, but I know what that look is because I do it sometimes: he's trying to understand why something is off. He did some testing based on what I said and finally, he found something and I didn't feel insane. All the Simmons that I brought up concerned him unlike the other doctors who just said I'm normal. I have convergence insufficiency, which made a lot of sense with how I felt my vision felt like fine yet off. But he noticed how off it was and genuinely asked did I have any difficulties learning growing up. I laughed and told him it was such a non-issue I nearly got skipped from first grade to fourth grade. He said I should be seeing a neurologist ASAP and how I hadn't been to one yet. I had to explain my PCP never referred me and instead suggested therapy for the nerve pain because he thought it was depression/anxiety.

Which leaves me here now where my sleep has been very off. It's difficult to rest, I feel like I can hear everything in my body, and I'm kind of waiting to see doctors who can diagnose what's wrong. My fear is it's serious and man, I don't want to never get out thoughts and creations I've thought about out without actually sharing them. Even if writing is the only way I can do so.

So, that's why we're here. I know this is a rough introduction for what I promise will be way more constructive and fun, but it's the reason why I'm here. Enjoy my musings and writings. It's what I have the energy for. And I hope someday I can actually create some of these and make them reality. And also that some thoughts I have are provoking and help open up a better world.

Thank you for reading!

[hikaruklaus]

Heya, my name is Klaus. I'm a hentai artist and professional game developer. This post acts as an introduction, as well as a semi-incoherent rant.

... Enjoy?

I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment, I haven't been happy for a while now and I feel like I need some sort of space to write about my thoughts and stuff. I know very little about tumblr and how it works, which is part of the reason I picked it as my little "vent space". I've never been fully active on social media, but I know that I really hate Twitter, Facebook is frustrating to use, TikTok is overwhelming and irritating, and Reddit has a lot of unnecessary negativity floating around constantly. Hopefully this place is a little bit better. I'm not expecting people to follow or even see the stuff I post, but I hope the environment is less hostile and irritating than its competition.

I'm in my early 20s, and I'm a real goddamn nerd (you know, in case the whole "game developer and hentai artist" introduction didn't make that obvious). I love Nintendo games, heavy metal, cats, and vtubers. I have an off-beat sense of humour, don't know how else to describe it. Earthbound and Monkey Island kind of stuff.

I'm definitely on the weirder side (again, in case that wasn't obvious), at least partially because I'm autistic. I doodle ahegao faces while waiting for meetings to start, I have a compilation of various Hololive vtubers screaming as my alarm in the morning, and I have a Spotify playlist that jumps from Metallica's recent "Screaming Suicide" to the full version of that "Japanese Goblin" song that went viral like a year ago.

I'm a massive degenerate (in case that wasn't obvious [3× COMBO]). I have the whole starter package, a daki, an oppai mousepad, and like a dozen physical doujinshi.

They say tattoo artists shouldn't be tattoo artists unless they themselves have been tattoo'd, because they should know what the experience is like.

...Let's just say I'm glad the same doesn't go for hentai artists.

I speak a variety of languages, but I'll primarily be posting in English. Might throw in some Japanese dialogue into a drawing or something if I'm in the mood, it happens.

I've studied both art and game design. I'm a character artist/animator, and a generalist game designer. Don't feel like I'm particularly good at either one of them to be honest with you. : P

I use Clip Studio Paint EX to draw, and I'm slowly getting used to its animation tools as well. (I've mainly used OpenToonz, Krita, and FireAlpaca in the past, but I love the CSP brushes and layout so much that I'm trying to switch over entirely.)

I have experience with a lot of game engines, ranging from the Unreal Engine (aka my mortal enemy) to the much more simple and comfortable GameMaker Studio. I've worked on a variety of projects, some solo, others with different groups of people. Very unlikely anything you've played though.

I'm probably going to be posting a hentai drawing or three here. I tend to draw lewd shit when I'm sad, dunno why. Never had a place to post them before. I might just post a quick 5-minute sketch, or maybe a rough animation. I don't really know yet. Might do it daily, might do it once every few months.

Like I said, I haven't been happy for a good while now. I jump in and out of depressive episodes pretty often but this one's managed to last for a little longer than they usually do. I would love to tell my friends about it, but I just feel like I'd be a massive nuisance to them.

There's a lot that's bothering me, and I feel like I have to express it somehow. I'm not really a fan of "venting" on the internet, maybe because it reminds me of my teenage years, I don't know for sure- but posting it here feels "safe", it's in some random blog post no one will read, not an alarming message on discord or whatsapp, so I won't have to worry about bothering anyone, and I'll still get to write about how I feel.

Nothing I do feels right. My drawings look bad. My conversations are stale. My sleep schedule is fucked. My code is messy. I know things will get better eventually, I've been through this before, but it's hard to convince myself that that's actually the case and not just something I'm making up.

I've been feeling extremely lonely lately. As you can probably imagine if you've read all the stuff written above, I'm not exactly what you'd call a "chick magnet". I haven't been in a relationship since I was in my mid-teens, and the one I was in back then was long-distance. I haven't held a girl's hand since I was five or so and we were practically forced to do so in kindergarten. I've never kissed anyone in my life. I'm awful at nonverbal communication, and I get really jumpy whenever someone touches me, neither of which are great in a relationship. Finding someone with the same interests as me is practically impossible. I googled a whole bunch of statistics a few months back and came to the conclusion that every time I meet someone in the country I'm currently in, there is a 0.000773% chance that we have some interests in common, are both attracted to each other, and that they are single. (Oh yeah, I like numbers. Forgot to mention that.) That 0.000773% is obviously just an estimate, but I tried to be as "fair" as possible with the calculation. I very rarely leave my house, my eyesight is really rough so driving is out of the question, which means meeting new people is a rare occurance. At this point I feel like the best move might just be to give up and accept that I'll be alone forever, but that just makes me even sadder.

My real name isn't Klaus. It's an alias I came up with a few years ago that I only ended up using once to post a drawing. The drawing in question was on the lewder side of things, and I didn't want it to be associated with my other alias because no one knew about my "un-seiso" drawings. I've improved a lot as an artist since posting that old drawing and decided to pick the alias back up.

My reason for this isn't that my drawings are some kind of "DEEP DARK SECRET" that I have to keep from anyone- to be completely honest with you, I don't really care if anyone finds out what my main alias is. I just want to keep my hentai drawings separate from my more, ahem, "family friendly brand", that's all.

Sorry for rambling so much. It's very, very late, and I should be asleep by now. Bless your heart if you actually read all that crap. Cheers.

PS. Unless I decide to change it in the future, I realised right before posting this that I never set a profile picture, so I doodled an ahegao face as fast as I could, and for some reason I actually kind of like it. Really wish it weren't off-center though, might fix that tomorrow.

[skepticalarrie]

I am very skeptical about this, I just don’t feel that he’d do that so casually (it’s a whole Larry is real sign), when we have gotten both of his stunts especially babygate in the last few months. We are still in the middle of the biggest push from Louis’ side in babygate since ever. So I feel like he has zero room for a Larry is real sign acknowledgment right now. If he had acknowledged a blue and green or a tattoo etc, it would have that plausible deniability margin but this? it just doesn’t make sense. He has been made to deny it verbally at the expense of hurting his fans until now and I just can’t believe an acknowledgment would happen this easily. (Not that I need it, I believe they have been together since the beginning and never broke up (had ups and downs, who doesn’t?) and all the stunts are stunts).

I just wish some people didn’t do this. Don’t do this to louis and Harry both. Don’t bring controversial (I understand it shouldn’t be, it should just be treated as a relationship like any other but heteronormativity and homophobia exists) issues to their safe space. Not the concert space at least. It’s their individual space, let them have it. If THEY Larry and bluegreen, then by all means go off all the way to Moon. I’ll go too. Just, can we not dampen the festive mood of concerts?? Now m anxious because m sure m gonna get nasty msgs in the inbox and end up with trending stunts and unnecessary bs. Larry is real and going strong, leave them be. I beg. Let’s be mature about this.

Hey dear. I got a lot of messages like this one and at first I would simply not answer and move on from that topic but then I felt like I should say something because I realised this could be mainly coming from new fans who didn't get to quite fully understand how HL have been communicating over the past decade. This is probably one of those things that you only understand the dynamics when you're living through it and experiencing things in real-time. And we didn't get to experience much in the past two years, so I totally understand why people can be confused. I love new fans' perspectives too, but this is my blog and I felt like giving my opinion more in-depth on this topic. I'm sorry this is going to be long.

First of all, stunts NEVER stopped larry from being extremely obvious and loud. In fact, the times we got the most blatantly obvious "proofs" was when we had some sort of extreme situation with stunts or denials and that was their response to it. They're reactive, it's a pattern, they usually feel the need to communicate when they're feeling like they need to reassure something or when they're probably feeling frustrated. Although I don't particularly think they're doing it for us or to reassure us, it's more like they're doing it for themselves in a way to cope with the situation. (e.g. when Louis got the dagger tattoo after a huge denial, 2014 was probably the year they were being held back a lot and it was one of the loudest years. Harry was basically trying to come out once a week. This is only a very obvious example, there are literally so many situations this happened over the years, guys. Harry and Louis way of communicating is a reaction to something and always has been) So, actually, the fact babygate is being heavily pushed in the last few months is just one more reason to believe Louis really went for it and why he was pretty bold and obvious with it.

There are plenty of plausible deniability and pointing at signs it's not new at all. Although by now it's extremely obvious what happened, people can still believe he didn't unless is proven otherwise, which is not possible. We can't prove he did that. So people can believe whatever they want. Oh my god, they used to point at so many Larry signs while in the band! Harry literally pointed to a girls' arm where larry was written. Louis just pointed at someone's tattoo a few days ago, Harry pointed at a bunch of people wearing masks with Louis' logo in it. There are always a lot of ways to interpret those things, but it happens over and over and over. Those are not coincidences every time, it's happening. Maybe Louis was a little bolder on this one because he kept pointing at it for a really long time and there weren't any other sings around and he happened to point at it on the exact song the sign was referring to. But yeah, this is not new.

And finally, I would just like to address people saying the larry signs are "disrespectful" (fuck I really hate this word) and stuff like that. As I was saying, people always brought Larry signs to 1D concerts, Harry's shows seem like a less safe space for that but people always did it. And Louis' shows already feel like a much safer space, people were actually cheering for the sign in one of the videos, there are a lot of larries attending to the shows. Not sure if we are a majority by now, but a huge part of Louis' fanbase is made of larries. This is the real deal guys, and it's beautiful to see! Larry turned larry into a thing, not us. They keep engaging with it and pointing at it. Louis literally sings Larry call a load of smoke in LMAO. Princess Park is unquestionably the loudest moment of the show. So like... c'mon. They have been shut down their entire lives, we're punching bags. Enough is enough. Now, what I have a problem with, is with things spinning out of control, one thing is for that to happen online and the other thing is to happen IRL. And we can already see that happening. So Louis started flipping people off and now everyone does it all the time, he started to stop the show and give them water so now people are quite literally demanding it to happen multiple times at the show. I really don't want these kinds of larry signs to become a real-life representation of the blue and green hearts on instagram or touch your nose if larry is real. IMO it's okay to be supportive, but not to ask for it you know? It's different, don't be extreme. So I really hope people can understand that difference and not let this become a thingTM because that would be really annoying and even provoke the opposite reaction. Use your brain people, larry is so fucking real.