#This guy made sure to get all the toxic dads/grandpas

[bapydemonprincess]

Found out something p funny

[elodieunderglass]

Oh it’s even more than that! The cis straight guy is very often a ride home, dad or husband. Or a Bob which I will explain in this essay is a signifier of a healthy ecosystem, like frogs are.

This is a 3 am take so consider this a blanket apology and a readmore but if you hate this post you were warned.

If he’s someone’s ride home, then his presence enables queer people to show up. Note this importance in, say, rural America or where the person might use a wheelchair or need care or can’t drive. Or where the meeting place is generally awkward.

If he’s someone’s dad, his presence enables kids to show up. I know a 5 year old trans kid in real life. I know a nonbinary teen in real life who’s allowed to do a lot on their own, but their parents worry, and if they’re hanging out with adults the parents want to attend and meet the adults. Teenagers are so liminal with this.

If he’s someone’s husband, that’s a perfectly common accessory for a bisexual, nonbinary, or trans person. I think it adds a delightful dimension to queer spaces. I think it’s great that there’s a whole class of sexuality that’s “bi wife energy” or “straight except for loving this person” or “straight since I think nonbinary people are considered a different gender to my own - actually I’m completely lost about whether that’s true but we’ve been married ten years?” or “straight except for the fact that my partner transitioned, and we’re still married, and it’s none of your business.” At this point they’re so common that they’re their own subspecies. I think all spaces should have a slightly bewildered guy in his late forties who owns a set of good screwdrivers. I am bi and have one myself; it is a common pairing. “Why would your husband come to your social thing” idk this is a genuine thing people do sometimes in non-tar-pit spaces. They stop by. It’s almost like birds. You meet this incredible ornate, splendid older queer person and then they introduce their husband Professor Robert “Bob” Kevinsworth, who’s just this extremely straight old big fat Linux geologist in a 90s t-shirt with a trout on it, they’ve been married 45 years. Evolutionary pressures mean that the Bob must be relatively drab in order to camouflage themselves on the nest or something; if you want to attract the flashy half of the couple to your garden, then you have to provide habitat for Bob. idk it’s 3:46 am right now. But it’s like frogs; the presence of Bobs indicates a healthy and established ecosystem, like Grison and Derin indicate. Because frogs, who absorb environmental toxins readily through their skin, are an indicator species for pollution and biodiversity; a Bob means there is going to be less toxicity and more diversity.

[And also it’s none of our business but there are an awful lot of queer Bobs (Bob himself, again, possibly being queer) and it’s really none of our business. Sure, maybe that person looks like a straight grandpa. A lot of people do/did. I have always hated the idea that you can “spot” a queer person by their haircut, clothes or youth (largely because I don’t look very unusual or amazing myself.) the oldest nb person I know is a sort of Bob with a big white beard and grandchildren, and I’m sorry but at their age they are NOT going to be getting a different haircut! Let alone pink Shein dungarees and black circle sunglasses to signify their queerness to gatekeepers. A lot of people seeing them would assume they are cishet. Nope! Just old, fat and unfashionable.)

So a space that doesn’t have room for a cishet guy is a space that has made decisions about children, non-drivers, a large proportion of bi and nonbinary people, straight trans women, dads, and so on.

Which is fine in itself I suppose, but what they’re clearly kinda selecting for is a population of able twentysomethings who can all have sex with each other. and the thing is that there’s often a vibe they feel annoyed by seeing people they don’t want to fuck (children, middle-aged people, unfashionable queer people, people unironically wearing trout t shirts).

So in my admittedly highly limited personal experience, the exclusionary “queer spaces” just tend to be an elaborate drama-production exercise for twentysomethings to date each other, the rituals are intricate etc.

And all the rest of the weird queer people are just. at the seed swap.

I'm kind of at a point where the "queer spaces" i feel safest in are the ones that have a pet cishet dude or two hanging around

[pundromeda]

Theory: Guillermo is a dhampir

Clue 1) There seem to be no male parental figures in Guillermo's family. No grandpa, no uncle, no dad.

Clue 2) The feeling their bloodline gets around vampires is curiously similar to attraction.

Clue 3) The comment Nandor made about how something must be wrong with his blood since he hasn't been eaten yet, and the common theory that slayer blood is toxic to vampires.

Clue 4) That one guy from the Night Market determined that Guillermo was actually not a human upon re-smelling him.

Clue 5) According to Wikipedia, dhampirs:

Are "for the most part" normal members of the community

Often took up careers as vampire slayers

Have special senses for detecting supernatural creatures (such as vampires)

Can regenerate (and hence not die when dropped while flying or thrown from the top of an arena down into a building)

Have blood that is toxic to vampires

The Theory) One of Guillermo's ancestors early on the Van Helsing line fucked a vampire (the Guide??) and had a kid. That kid was a natural born vampire slayer, and passed those genes on to their kids. Because the described feeling of murderous intent is similar to attraction, and because there are clearly vamps out there who are attracted to slayers, his family keeps (accidentally?) fucking vampires and introducing more dhampir DNA into their family line. I'm not sure how many of the absent paternal figures are vampires. Could be all three!

Now, I'm not sure I 100% like or agree with this theory. I like Guillermo being human. But I would absolutely not be mad if this turned out to be true, if only for the pure drama of it.

Guillermo's dad could show up as some random vampire! Guillermo can't be turned cause his blood is toxic to Nandor! The Guide is his great-great-etc grandma! But hey, at least he's an immortal being who can maybe practice sorcery?

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[sobdasha]

had a few more thoughts about the Honda family

and all the Souma parallels.

(and by “a few” I apparently meant “a lot”, I did not mean to write this many pages)

In the other post I’d made a comment about how Katsuya’s romance with Kyouko, severe age difference issues aside, is just plain pathetic, a point which I believe to be Upheld by canon. And I wanted to talk more about that, the implications of that, and how that further builds the Akito and Tohru parallel. And also, Why Tohru Can’t Love Her Mom And Kyou At The Same Time.

The ideal, in Fruits Basket, is that when you make a connection with one person who loves you and sees you, this will enable you to make further connections with the people around you. Tohru does a whole heck of a lot of this; for one example, see Yuki explaining this to Kisa in the liking-yourself speech. Yuki does some of this for bitty Haru and later for Machi. Kazuma does this for Kyou. And so on and so forth. The positive experiences are meant to have a ripple effect.

It’s important to be grateful for what you have (Yuki and Machi’s “just one person would be enough” scene), but it’s human to crave more than that (Kyouko telling Saki that it’s probably normal to want other people to accept you even if you already have a loving and supportive family). It is important to crave more than that.

This was, in fact, the entire point of the curse. God meets cat. Cat’s companionship allows god to form connections with other animals. Cat is dying and god decides that 13 friends is the perfect number of friends and starts the reincarnation cycle. Cat says, “god you never once left your house. I wanted to see you go down and make friends with the humans. I wanted to see you experience the world and laugh in the sunlight. God you made 13 new friends but you’re still lonely and closing yourself off to the world forever, this is wrong and I am sad.” The banquets were supposed to be the gateway drug of friendship and meaningful connections, not the place where 14 souls stagnated alone and isolated until it became a curse.

That same wrongness happens in Ren and Akira’s relationship, where finally making a connection with one person who loves you and sees you made their world smaller and smaller. It wasn’t healthy, probably because 1) they remained in a toxic environment, 2) Kureno implies that Ren has mental health issues and I assume those existed prior to Akira’s death and were exacerbated, rather than created by, her grief; also I can’t imagine she actually came from a non-toxic family herself, and 3) Akira’s “you’re going to die an early death and the only thing we need from you first is a successor” trauma. Akira never found anyone other than Ren who understood how upset he was. Ren never formed a relationship with anyone other than Akira, partly because she was now trapped in a toxic family that despised everything about her and she refused to Prove Them Right by leaving. They both viewed their child as an object rather than a person; Akira seeing proof that he and Ren were definitely OTP and the Souma could go shove it, and Ren seeing a Rival.

I have a memory that I said at some point—probably in a Talking About Shigure post—that Kyouko helps Katsuya connect with other people. But this, I think, is not really true. I was thinking of how Kyouko helps bridge the non-relationship between Katsuya and his father. But that’s just one person.

Really, Katsuya and Kyouko are more like Akira and Ren.

Marrying-someone-who-just-graduated-ninth-grade aside, the fact that Katsuya and Kyouko meet is genuinely a good thing. Katsuya finally connects with the humanity in another person. Kyouko is finally cared about as a person. Their misanthropic-jackass-and-abandoned-cat relationship improves both of them, probably. Their connection is definitely the reason Kyouko decides to go to high school and quit her gang. It’s harder to tell with Katsuya, but you could argue that seeing Kyouko struggling and fighting and screaming against the world, as honest about her joy as she is about her loneliness-channeled-into-rage, causes Katsuya to say screw it and pursue the career in pharmacy that he’s interested in, instead of fake-politely submitting to the world’s expectations and internally resenting and disdaining everyone around him.

Katsuya softens in his relationship with his father. Both Katsuya and Kyouko see their child as a person in her own right, Tohru, rather than an object. Katsuya, in fact, is adamant about that fact when Kyouko is terrified of her pregnancy—that they can treat their baby as her own person, and if they aren’t perfect parents and they hurt their child, they’ll apologize—because Tohru is a person and an equal—and admit that what they did was wrong and why it’s wrong. They’ll treat Tohru with the respect they should have gotten all along.

But I don’t think it ever goes any farther than that. Like god, the Honda family becomes more and more isolated.

Does Katsuya make any work friends? We don’t really get a complete view of their lives, because Takaya is one person who can only do so much and space is very precious, so we only see what’s crucial to the story. But I would be really surprised to find that Katsuya had made any close friends outside of Kyouko. I honestly doubt that he has anything more than casual work acquaintances. (In contrast, we repeatedly see Kyou together with the two guys who got names in the anime that I forgot in his class; his friendship with them doesn’t get explored much in the manga, presumably because it doesn’t do any heavy lifting for his character development, but Kyou clearly has casual friends who seek him out and whom he doesn’t mind being with. See also the way Saki and Arisa also interact with those guys as a part of the group, while Tohru really only interacts with Saki and Arisa or the Souma.)

And I don’t think Kyouko fares any better. Does she have any close friends, other than her husband and daughter? Does she make friends at work? I don’t know what kind of work Kyouko does, and if she would have the opportunity to take her breaks socializing with coworkers. But it appears she spends her work breaks in an abandoned area socializing with a first or second grader. Kyou is the only person, as far as we know, that mid-twenties Kyouko can start to open up to. She doesn’t get all the way there—Kyou doesn’t connect the dots until much later—but it’s the closest she comes to talking about how she hurt Tohru after Katsuya died.

Where are the family friends? It doesn’t strike me as weird that the Honda family doesn’t have them, because I have also grown up in a poorly socialized household, but even I am used to running into unfamiliar people in public who explain that they know my mom or dad. I’m pretty sure family friends are a normal thing, and that’s how you get aunts and uncles that aren’t related to you, much in the same way that I’m pretty sure it’s normal to be friends with your cousins (especially if they’re in a similar age range and live nearby) and it is very common for grandparents to bring grandchildren with them to the grocery store because the grandchildren are staying over and they’re having a relationship.

Where is anyone but the Honda family at at Kyouko’s funeral? Kyouko made friends with Arisa and Saki, but did she ever make friends with Saki’s parents? Where are Saki’s loving and supportive mother and father and grandmother when the Honda family is arguing about who has to take on the burden of Tohru? Where are they, if they knew of the bad blood between Kyouko and the Honda family (and the disinheritance between Kyouko and the Katsunuma family), to sweep over Tohru’s protestations and tell her that it will all be fine, they’ll make it work out (they packed up and moved house for Saki, after all), it’s not Tohru’s job to worry about being a burden, it’s the job of people who love her to take care of her?

It can be both “because of the necessity of the plot” and “because they didn’t know.”

Tohru inherits this small, isolated world. And because of the trauma of being abandoned by her grieving, depressed, absolutely-not-coping mother, Tohru picks up on that Souma curse mentality. Tohru’s dad left, and Tohru’s dad tried to take her mom with her, leaving her with no one but Grandpa (who is not intimately part of their world but is not fully outside it either). Tohru’s dad is now a Rival. Tohru’s dad is now an Outsider. Clearly, a bond with an Outsider weakens the True Bond that Tohru had with Kyouko. Clearly, Tohru’s dad is Not Needed (because the other alternative is that Tohru is Not Needed). Clearly, only one of them can have Kyouko.

And it’s going to be Tohru.

Tohru picks up Katsuya’s fake-polite speech, equally disingenuously but from the opposite direction (ie, Katsuya was fake-polite to be an asshole, and Tohru is genuinely polite but faking the words). Tohru is pretty sure this is a form of wicked manipulation (much like Yuki is convinced that “be kind unto others as you would have them be kind unto you” is a form of wicked manipulation). Tohru keeps up with it anyway. Kyouko, as Kyou suggests, was probably comforted by this; rather than going full Akira “you exist to prove that I lived and loved a woman”, seeing Katsuya’s mannerisms in Tohru reminds her that her husband did exist without having to erase Tohru as a person. Kyouko does a lot of growing on her own, but with no support system and no friends outside the family and being fresh-out-of-college age, it’s not surprising that she fails to talk with Tohru about this, and tell Tohru that she knows why Tohru’s doing this, she knows how she hurt Tohru and it was wrong, you don’t have to do this anymore. This is a hurt between them, a grief, that they never talk about, even though they both know it’s there and Kyouko tries to smother it with love and affection and Tohru tries to shut it up in a box of denial.

Tohru’s world is now just Tohru and Kyouko. Tohru doesn’t make any friends until middle school. We know she gets bullied and doesn’t fit in throughout her entire school life. She is a riceball in a fruits basket and probably just manages to scrape by in conformity culture. When she does make her first friends, Arisa and Saki don’t count as Outsiders who compromise Tohru’s bond with her mom because Arisa and Saki are also misfits on the fringe. They are outcasts Tohru can bring into the circle. They are all monsters together, like the cursed Soumas (the only reason no one refers to Akito as a monster to her face, the way they do the rest of the Zodiac, probably has less to do with the fact that Akito doesn’t transform and more to do with the fact that Akito being in a position of power is useful for their own ends, so best not to undermine the head of the family by pointing the whole monster thing out).

And then Tohru’s mom dies.

Tohru isn’t god and she can’t make an eternal banquet. Tohru doesn’t know how to process her grief and how not to fall to pieces. Tohru knows how to empathize with other people, but she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. Did she remember Kyouko wanting to follow Katsuya, and think about doing the same? But Tohru also wants to keep living, somehow.

So she makes her mom not be gone. Her mom is dead, Tohru knows that, just like Akito knows that Akira’s soul isn’t in the box choosing her over Ren and showing her the way to happiness. But maybe. So she talks to the portrait of her mom. She tries to rescue her mom from suffocating inside a mudslide. She takes her mom on holiday to the onsen. Her mom gets kidnapped once by Hiro. Tohru’s mom is definitely not gone. Tohru and her mom definitely still have an eternal bond. Tohru’s mom will always be first in her heart, so that Tohru will always be first in her mother’s heart. Tohru will never abandon her. Tohru will never leave her behind.

(Tohru will never be left behind.)

Tohru’s world is just Tohru and her mom.

Tohru has two best friends, Arisa and Saki, but she won’t let them in. She won’t depend on them. She won’t tell that that her grief is crushing her and that she’s living in a tent because she’s terrified of being abandoned. Tohru makes a lot of new friends in the Souma family, and she’s very happy, but she won’t let them in either. Tohru can’t open up to any of them freely.

I don’t think I saved it anywhere the survived the computer death, but I saw at least one post in the fandom talking about the growing disappointment of the reboot anime, and they had a valid point, so I’ll bring that in now.

I really like the reboot, but I am losing my passion in the final season. Adapting a story from one media to another is hard, and at the beginning I thought they were doing a good job. Small things were being cut, scenes were being rearranged and stitched together, but there was a definite purpose behind it. Instead of literally following each chapter, each episode tried to be a self-contained theme in the same way a manga chapter would be. Because themes repeat again and again in Fruits Basket in a slow build, this was working well. But small things that didn’t quite fit got cut. Scenes I liked and was sad not to see, but that I accepted had to be left out to make the episodes stronger.

But they’ve been piling up and piling up. Small holes have accumulated into big plot holes that the third season is tripping over. I’m sad that we don’t see the small progressions of Yuki and Machi’s relationship, the quiet scenes that show Machi is trying to pay attention to Yuki the way he has paid attention to her, and also all the Mogetas. I’m sad Komaki is the new manga-only character. If we don’t get Kyouko’s full backstory, we lose a lot of the context that’s in this post. I could go on and on.

But most importantly, as that someone else pointed out, we missed out on the progression of Kyou and Tohru’s flirting. It’s too late to cram all of that into a montage episode, and so now we’ve been given episode after episode of Mom Tohru, and hardly any Tohru Struggling With Romance In Addition To Struggling With Grief before suddenly everyone is confessing their love and I’m not as into it in the anime as I am in the manga.

So many of the Souma love and accept Tohru, but Tohru remains an Outsider—not because of the curse, but because she hasn’t formed close friendships with them. Tohru has a lot of people among the Souma she likes who like her, but she’s always a Mom to them. Tohru shares some of her own pain with them, but it’s shared for their benefit, not for Tohru’s own catharsis. Tohru shares so she will be loved, not so that she will be accepted.

Except Kyou.

Kyou, who looks at Tohru and thinks, “I’m pretty sure she’s that lonely person even now, even while she’s smiling and genuinely enjoying every moment with us.” Kyou, who’s falling in love with Tohru. Kyou, whom Tohru’s falling in love with.

Kyou is the only one that Tohru takes a desperate risk with. Kyou is the only one Tohru ~disillusions~ and ~disappoints~ in the hope that he’ll accept her regardless.

Kyou is the only one Tohru tells, “I don’t talk about my dad because I kicked him out of the family. I know my dad loved us and I loved him back, but I pretend to talk like him so my mom will forget about him and love me instead. He came between me and my mom and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. And I know I’m an awful person for behaving like that, so I keep his picture and pretend I don’t, and I pretend he’s the Bad Guy who earned it.”

The idea that Tohru can’t love both her mom and Kyou is, in a way, true. (I think that same post I’ve been referencing also talked about how dropping the budding romance also dropped a lot of the clues that this is Tohru unable to process her grief? Which is also very true. But if Tohru has the Souma mindset, then actually she has a legit point about not being able to love two people at once despite being a very loving person. Both can be true. Multitudes.)

Kyou is an Outsider to the world of Tohru and her mom. And if Tohru chooses to love him, it will weaken her bond with her mom, which is predicated on loving her mom more than anyone else. If she expands her world to include him in it, she will be betraying her mom. Tohru will be the Bad Guy who left her mom behind and abandoned her. Tohru will be her own villain, condemned for the same crimes she pinned on her dad.

Kyou 100% gets where she’s coming from with this, because he turns this exact argument on her when she confesses to him and he panics (akin to when Tohru chases him down in his true form and he slashes her and, in the reboot, yeets her into the lake, so that she will be hurt so bad she’ll never pity/love him again). He asks her if her love for her mom—her bond—was just a lie.

Tohru making friends after Kyouko’s death has been a lot like Akito letting Yuki and Kyou out into the world, certain that it would drive them back to the bond. Yuki getting character development is a huge betrayal. Tohru wanting to be together with Kyou, when she should only want to be together with her mom, is a huge betrayal.

Tohru has no model for expanding her world. She’s good at loving people, but bad at letting them in (Kyouko was bad at that too—like Mom Tohru, she was very good at sharing anecdotes about her violent youth, but very bad about sharing how she’d failed Tohru as a mom). Like Akito, she only really knows the bond—the certainty that her mom would love her. She’s been so terrified of not being loved that she’s acted this entire time like her mom is still around. When Kyou’s love is a possibility, she can only conceptualize it as a betrayal of her relationship with her mother.

It always seemed a bit too abrupt that Tohru looked at Akito with the knife and went “oh shit we’re literally the same”, but now that I’ve thought this all out, it makes eloquent sense. The whole time Tohru’s been working against the curse, she’s been in denial about her own blessing-burden-curse. Now that she’s just admitted it and had it thrown back in her face, she can look at Akito and see another person in an insular little world, isolated and lonely and walled-off from the world. Of course Tohru desperately wants to make friends with knife-wielding Akito—she just decided to let go of her ties to her mother that were suffocating her, and take her first steps into the world, and got immediately dumped by the person she loves. Of course she wants to make friends with someone who knows exactly where Tohru’s coming from and how terrifying what Tohru just did is and how awful it is to be rejected even though she’s got other friends she loves out here in this world she’s decided to finally step into.

Tohru is so damn lonely, and Akito is there, also lonely and screaming and crying and undeniably human.

(Smile, Tohru tells herself in the hospital. Smile and tell Kyou you were happy to meet him and just let him go. Don’t be a curse. Smile and let him find his own happiness. Which is more or less the same struggle Akito is also going through. But maybe they’re going through it together. Maybe they used their words, together, when they couldn’t confide in anyone else. Although it feels a bit unlikely that Tohru let herself break down about Kyou in front of Akito, and Akito already had one pity-party in front of Momiji and may not have wanted to burden Tohru with a second.)

One thing I really love about Fruits Basket Another is that Hajime alludes to the fact that Kyou probably won’t inherit Kazuma’s dojo after all.

Kyou inheriting the dojo is something both Kyou and Kazuma have wanted, and it gives me many warm fuzzies. It is very narratively satisfying. The dojo, while Souma property, is not actually part of the main estate.

What I love is that Kyou probably won’t take over the dojo specifically because he and Tohru have made so many friends in their new town that they don’t want to pick up and leave. Kyou finally succeeds in freeing Tohru from that small, lonely world, much like he’s been freed from the fate of the Cat Room. Their relationship enriches them personally and also enables them to make so many new connections. Kyou has friends at the dojo! Tohru has friends at work maybe! Friends where they buy groceries, friends among the parents of their children’s classmates, friends outside of their extended Souma family! They’ve kept ties that don’t hold them back and made new ties that don’t weaken or steal away any of their old ties!

When they left Tokyo, Tohru was prepared to go anywhere as long as it was with Kyou. Now, she and Kyou both don’t want to leave because their world is so much larger than just their nuclear family and they’ve put down roots. They’ve seen each other not only lonely in the moonlight and worn thin by death and loss, but they’ve gotten up and gone down the mountain to where the people live and made friends among them, laughing in the sunlight. Just like the cat always uggghhhhh I’m not crying I’m just so damn happy for them I can’t

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

so it turns out I have gay relatives in my extended family. like, at least few of them, at least two of which are still alive--one of them married his husband relatively recently as a fairly old man (because. you know. presumably he had to wait until it was legal) but was apparently out in the 70s and my conservative grandparents still sold him their house at the time to keep it in the family. another one is closer to my dad’s age and he’s been in semi-regular contact with her on Facebook because they’re both interested in tracing and preserving info from their shared family tree (and, hilariously, her dad was also gay I guess?).

and I’m--kind of overwhelmed about this? mostly in a good way! but like...I had no idea. I mean it doesn’t seem unreasonable that there would be somebody, because my extended family is pretty big, but there wasn’t anybody I’d actually met, and I was raised super conservative/evangelical because my parents were both raised conservative because my grandparents have always been conservative, and the extended family I knew best growing up (my dad’s brother and his family) were also pretty damn conservative, so I just...sort of assumed I was either the first queer in my general family circle or the first one to be at all open about it. and I’ve also been worried that my grandparents specifically would have a problem with that, which is a big part of the reason I haven’t made any effort to visit them since 2016...and now I find out they sold a house to their out gay cousin in the 70s. I mean I have no idea if they’re still in contact with him at all or if it was a very close relationship at the time, but according to my dad, everybody knew about it and it just...wasn’t an issue, apparently?? the family was generally cool with it??

which, I mean...that does make me feel better about the chances of my grandparents deciding they can’t have anything to do with me until I stop being queer and liberal! (I’ve also discovered recently that my grandpa’s brother, and presumably a lot of other people on his side of the family, are a lot more progressive than my grandparents are, so I’m simultaneously like...cool, that also indicates my chances are better than I thought, and I’m frustrated that I just happened to be born on the fundie side of the family!)

and I’m honestly really, really touched that my dad told me this stuff, because he’s acknowledged me being ace but has basically dealt with me being otherwise queer by pretending I haven’t said anything even when I literally bring it up in conversation (which, yes, I kind of make an effort to do sometimes, because I don’t want him to be able to ignore it, and it pisses me off when he does). but then last night we went to this outdoor concert and he was like, by the way, there’s some family history tidbits it occurred to me you might not know about and might want to know, and then he told me about these gay relatives that I didn’t know I had. I mean, talking about family history and showing old pictures isn’t at all unusual, but this was...intentional and specific, telling me about my gay relatives because he thought I’d like to know, and showing me pictures from the 70s of, like, my grandparents hanging out with a gay relative or two like it was no big deal, and more recent pictures of the wedding between two old men I didn’t know I was related to. and honestly I got a little emotional about it at the time, and I’m tearing up again because the pictures are on Facebook and I’m looking at them going holy shit there was a gay wedding in my family. I have gay relatives I can maybe talk to and get to know. my own grandparents might not care, actually, that I’m queer.

but at the same time--

my grandpa was a Democrat, a long time ago--a state legislator for the party, even, before he switched parties. I don’t know why he switched. all I know is that he and my grandma have been very conservative for as long as I’ve been alive, which is why my dad’s always been so conservative, which is why I was raised in this toxic, compassionless ideology and didn’t even begin to realize I might be queer until after college. hell, it’s the reason I cringe at a lot of bigoted things I used to believe, and all I can really do to make myself feel better about that is to remind myself that I did change, drastically if gradually, once I realized it was an option--and to hope that I didn’t actually influence anyone when I parroted all the fundie stuff I was raised believing. to the best of my knowledge, my grandparents have been single-ticket Republican voters for a long time and probably still are--I know my parents were when I was growing up, too, and although I’ve gotten my mom to stop reflexively voting for particularly awful Republicans, I strongly suspect my dad still mostly votes GOP. any time political stuff comes up, he just wants to argue with me, either because he figures I don’t know what I’m talking about or because he’s the type of person who always thinks it’s fun to play devil’s advocate (which is...the same thing really, at least when he does it, because it sure seems to be based on the premise of “well you don’t really know what you’re talking about because I bet you haven’t considered this”). I’m sure my grandparents still watch Fox News. I know my dad at least used to listen to a lot of Rush Limbaugh. I know he still thinks Ronald Reagan was one of our truly great presidents. he acts like he’s enlightened or whatever but I remember the mocking shit he always said about things like multiculturalism, sensitivity training, feminism (except he talked about “women’s libbers”), liberals in general, and basically anyone who didn’t think various equal rights issues were done and dusted by the 80s at the latest.

(I have a very specific memory of a time on a family vacation at some point in the 90s when the Supreme Court, I guess, had just upheld a ruling that kept gay marriage illegal, and my dad encountered this old guy looking at a headline about it who asked him, “does that mean queers can’t get married?” my dad confirmed it did, and the old guy said, “Praise God!” and my dad told us about this later like it was a very funny joke. he even added that he was tempted to answer “no, sweetie, we can’t,” with an affected effeminate voice and a limp-wrist gesture to match, just to mess with the old guy a little, but even then it was obvious to me the old guy wasn’t the one really being mocked.)

and this whole time they had gay family members, knew they had gay family members, apparently didn’t hate them as individuals or even think they were particularly wrong for being gay, and...they still supported these hateful pundits, still voted for politicians who would make queer people’s lives materially worse, still passed this shit down to the next generation and the generation after that. and it has probably never occurred to them that there could be something wrong--or even just dissonant--about that.

I don’t know what to do with it. it’s a good thing, and I’m happy to know it, and I’m still genuinely very touched that my dad realized this was something I specifically would want to know, and...there’s all this other ugly stuff wrapped up with it too. and I don’t know what to do with it.

[purrincess-chat]

Cat’s Not-All-Encompassing Character Ranking

Okay, so I have to admit that I omitted a lot of characters I don't have strong opinions on. Most of them were one-off akumas, so don't get your panties in a twist, your faves are probably still on here (and ranked lower than you think).

As a preface again, these are just my personal opinions. They can't hurt you. You can still like characters more or less than me. And I don't care how you feel about them. This list is for me. And the person that asked for it. So shut up. Go make your own rank list if you’re so butthurt. 

We're going in reverse order this time, starting from the bottom:

84. Gabriel Agreste- I mean, is anyone surprised? I am not private about how I think Gabriel should go to jail. Or fall off a cliff. Or be erased from existence. Rip to those that like him, but I’m different.

83. Thomas Astruc- Honestly, he’s down here on principle. Self-inserts are generally a no-no, and I just laugh every time I see him on screen because he really put himself in this show and said boohoo no one appreciates me XD

82. Bob Roth- I feel like this one should also be obvious. He’s just a dick. Terrible human. I give him 0 stars.

81. Tomoe Tsurugi- We all collectively hate her, right? It’s not just me?

80. Su Han- This mans has small peepee energy. And he bad mouthed Fu, so get FUCKED, my dude.

79. Rolland Dupain- Listen, I get it, he liked Marinette in the end, but I could do without the racism.

78. Nathalie Sancoeur- My opinion of Nathalie took a nosedive after the s2 finale. I just do not care that she is in love with her boss. Don’t care that she’s dying. Just do not have it in me.

77. XY- Justin Bieber ass wannabe.

76. Nora Cesiare- I didn’t care for Nora. I know Thomas loves her, but the overbearing sibling trope is tired.

75. Anarka Couffaine- I underestimated how much I don’t really like her. Like, it’s not full-on hate, but I just do not care for her.

74. Otis Cesaire- Got akumatized because a kid said he could outrun a panther. I’m still not over it, Otis.

73. Andre Bourgeois- No love for the crooked mayor. I hope your wife divorces you. 

72. Alec Cataldi- The real villain of Stormy Weather. Like fr why is he such an asshole?

71. Roger Raincomprix- Is Officer Roger just doing his best? Sometimes. But like sometimes this mans just needs to take a chill pill.

70. M. D'Argencourt- Please get out of the 1600s

69. Ella/Etta- These two are basically the same character, and I am indifferent to both of them.

68. KnightOwl/Barbara- Listen, I would have liked you more if you were less controlling.

67. Majestia- Same as above, but like I guess I like you more

66. Theo- *Mean Girls principal voice* Stay away from underaged girls!

65. Andre the ice cream man- I just want a scoop of chocolate, Andre. Is that too much to ask??

64. Amelie Graham de Vanily- We haven’t seen much of her, but she seems like a snake bitch.

63. M. Kubdel- I mean, if my son wanted to resurrect an ancient mummy and believed in aliens, I’d give the family heirloom to my daughter too.

62. Jalil Kubdel- Lolol, buddy, pal, dude, my guy. Chill.

61. Vincent (Adrien's photographer)- Head empty. Mom’s spaghetti. Idk he’s alright.

60. Manon- I don’t hate Manon. She just gets on my nerves every time she talks.

59. M. Ramier- This mans got akumatized a billion times because he gets emotional about pigeons. I mean, honestly mood.

58. Mme. Mendeleiev- She doesn’t put up with Chloe’s shit, and we respect her for this.

57. Baby August- Someone just give this mans some food. He’s a growing boy.

56. Santa Claus- If I were Santa, I too would list Ladybug as the best kid in the world.

55. Art Teacher- He doesn’t even have a name, but I vibe with him. He seems like he likes to paint scenes of nature with his pet squirrels.

54. Prince Ali- Lil mans just wanted to have a good time. I can respect that.

53. Duusu- Duusu, I get that your Miraculous was broken, but get with the program, girl. You is a hostage.

52. Other Kwamis- Idk, all the ones we haven’t seen as much. I don’t have real opinions on them yet. Just neutral.

51. Sass- He gives me dad vibes.

50. M. Damocles- You go, you funky owl man

49. Jean (Chloe's Butler)- He deserves a raise. What is your name, sir? We may never know.

48. Mireille Caquet- She’s pretty cute. No complaints.

47. Aurore Beaureal- Baby’s first akuma. I love her design. She’s a cutie.

46. Claudie Kante (Max’s mom)- This womans just wanted to go to space and live her dream. We stan a hardworking queen.

45. Hot Dog Dan- I like him more than Andre the ice cream fraud. Sure, my hotdog might turn me purple, but if I ask for chili on it, I bet he’d oblige.

44. Nadja Chamack- I mean, she’s doing her best.

43. Audrey Bourgeois- So, as I said in the episode ranking, I have a love-hate relationship with Audrey. She’s the worst, but that’s why I love her. I love her ironically. Like, yeah she’s atrocious, but I just want to watch her burn the world.

42. Luka Couffaine- Directly in the middle, like he’s always been.

41. Nathaniel Kurtzberg- My opinion of Nath improved after Reverser surprisingly. I ship it.

40. Chris Lahiffe- I like Chris better than Ella/Etta. He’s just a little mans out here living life wanting to grow up. Don’t believe it, Chris. Stay little forever. Being an adult suuuuucks.

39. Fang the Crocodile- The goodest boy.

38. Nooroo- I just want to give him a hug.

37. Mlle. Bustier- She’s doing her best, but I mean, when ya whole class keeps getting turned into supervillains, I’m surprised she’s not an alcoholic.

36. Penny Rolling- I just like her. I think she’s neat.

35. Ondine- Mermaid queen! She’s so sweet, and I love her with Kim. I hope we see more of her in the future.

34. Marc Anciel- Marc is a little cutie bean. Idc if he’s based off one of Thomas’s irl friends. He can stay.

33. Wayzz- He loves Master Fu so much I cry.

32. Felix Graham de Vanily- I know everyone hates canon Felix, but tbh he exudes massive chaotic neutral gremlin energy, and I actually kinda vibe with that. And he pisses with his uncle which is a whole ass mood.

31. Tikki- Tikki is very cute, but bby please work on the preaching. You don’t always know what’s right, babe.

30. Sabrina Raincomprix- Sabrina deserves better. I hope we see good things happen for her.

29. Lila Rossi- Surprised? I actually like Lila. The first fic I ever wrote for this fandom was a Lila redemption. I think she is a good antagonist and foil to Marinette. I absolutely want to see her get dunked on in canon, but that doesn’t mean I hate her.

28. Wayhem- I don’t know why, but Wayhem makes me laugh. I love him XD

27. Uncle Cheng- He’s just a good mans with a birb who wants to make you tasty food. What’s not to like?

26. Trixx- Trixx shot up after GoS. Chaotic bean make Eiffel Tower go bendy

25. Jess- She’s pretty cool. She’s a vibe.

24. Aeon- The cutest bean!!! She saw Adrien and Marinette and said yep. Those two are meant to be together. Jess, we gotta make it happen.

23. Ivan Bruel- Ivan is such a gentle bean. We love him.

22. Mylene Haprele- Smol

21. Fei Wu- I still have not watched the Shanghai special with subs, but I liked her.

20. Gina Dupain- The grandma I aspire to be.

19. Marianne Lenoir- I love her. She is good. She and Fu are so cute. And she seems like she would have kicked le ass back in the day. (and even now)

18. Rose Lavillant- I am so excited for Pigella!! Rose is too cute. We love her. 

17. Gorilla- aka Adrien’s real dad. If the series doesn’t end with Gabriel getting yeeted into the stratosphere and Gorilla adopting Adrien, I don’t want it.

16. Clara Nightingale- She’s in love with Marinette. You can’t change my mind. 16 is also how old I hc her to be, so don’t nobody come for me.

15. Tom Dupain- Most. Supportive. Dad. Soft bean. Just wants to make you fresh bread.

14. Sabine Cheng- Good mom vibes. We love to see her.

13. Juleka Couffaine- Shy goth bean. Just wants to have her picture taken. Definitely a lesbian. We stan.

12. Nino Lahiffe- The goodest boy. He’s just out here doing his best, loving his friends.

11. Chloe Bourgeois- Chloe is another one I have a love-hate relationship with. Her brattiness is funny to me. We had high hopes for her. Honestly, she ranks this high because I like to play with her in fic.

10. Max Kante- He smol and smort. And I adore his friendship with Kim and the fact that he made an AI himself at 14. What a legend.

9. Alya Cesaire- Rip to Alya salters, but I’m different. Outside of Chameleon, Alya is fine. She’s a supportive bff. All yall people that are mad she doesn’t kiss Marinette’s ass all the time need to go out and make real friends. I said what I said.

8. Alix Kubdel- I love Alix. I love how she is always so done with all the lovey-dovey bullshit. She is tiny queen, and Bunnix, while OP af, is still super cool. We love to see her.

7. Kagami Tsurugi- I will fight anyone who shits on Kagami. She has done nothing wrong, you guys are just haters. All she did was exist, and yall said, wow what a toxic bitch?? Disgraceful.

6. Jagged Stone- We are going to ignore the deadbeat dad trope that canon thrust upon him. He is a Marinette stan, and we love that.

5. Kim Le Chien- I really love Kim, you guys. Does that surprise you? Listen, my favorite male character types are sweet beans and himbos. Kim is both of these.

4. Master Fu- If you didn’t pick up on how much I love Fu from the episodes ranking, then idk what to tell you. I want him to be my grandpa. I would trust this mans with my life. He did his best. You paint those pictures, you funky little man. I love you.

3. Plagg- My galaxy trash man. Love him. 10/10 chefs kisses all around.

2. Adrien Agreste- The biggest Marinette stan there is. I just want him to kiss her on the face. And marry her. Idk, I just think that would be neat if he could do that. I just want good things for them.

1. Marinette Dupain-Cheng- Honestly, are you surprised? I have always been and always will be a Marinette stan. If you expected anyone else to be in this spot, then clown suit rentals are off to the left.

[bartallenisbae]

Kinda Yandere mostly manipulative Shigaraki Tomura x Reader

Warning: Reader has mental problems. A bit of a unhealthy relationship. This gets dark at the end yet one charafter ending. Also SPOILERS TO SHIGURAKI ORIGIN IN MANGA

When you talk to strangers online please be careful. I’m not your dad but please be careful because to many people dont realize the danger.

I don’t own anything

You remember sitting in the doctors office. Your family had been worried over you ever since your quirk appeared.

Your brothers and sister could laugh. You could feel their happiness when they did...but you couldn’t feel yours.

You could feel others emotions and understand what they feel. But you didn’t have emotions.

Your family slightly worried someone could manipulate you. Whenever someone slightly felt sad you just wanted to make them happy so you couldn’t feel their pain.

Your doctor looked at your parents and straight out told them.

“Your daughters quirk has caused her to not have emotions. It could be a side effect.”

Your family had been protective of you since. You had your grandpa’s quirk but he didn’t have the side effect you did. As you got older your quirk became stronger. You could feel people’s emotions through pictures and tv.

You weren’t allowed to go to school in your parents fear of you being bullied. Your brothers and sister were the only ones you considered your friends. But as the youngest you saw them slowly grow up. They began to talk and hang with their actual friends. They felt happy around their friends. Why couldn’t you feel anything?

After the last brother moved out you were officially the only child in the house though you were 17 years old. Your parents tried to have you make friends but you could always feel the other kids your age emotions. They felt annoyed. Like they were only forced to be around you...unlike your siblings friends.

Since you didn’t have any friends you mostly just played video games while being homeschooled. Tv wasn’t really your thing since you could feel emotions through tv which sometimes ruined things since actors or actresses would look scared but their emotions were mostly tired, depressed, or bored while you couldn’t feel any emotions through video games since they were just digital worlds.

While you were playing a online video game you were on a team with a guy named ‘Tomu’. He was good...really good. He must have been playing video games for as long as you had played. Now normally you wouldn’t play with others online but rarely you did when you were bored since you could feel how others felt through the game if they were real people.

“You need to be turning left. The bad guy is behind the wall,” ‘Tomu’ spoke into the game. You froze since you didn’t suspect him to speak but mostly because you could feel his anger and restless nights of sleep and constant annoyance of someone but he was mostly relaxed playing the game.

“Oh...how would you know that?” You asked, he scuffed.

“I’ve played this more times then anyone,”

“What are you, like a total gamer? I’ve played more games then anyone.”

“Yeah right. This is probably your first game,” That was the first time you talked to him. Things grew from there as you started to play with him more and more on every online game you had and you could buy. Your parents started to feel worried about you starting to play video games for longer and longer.

As ‘Tomu’ and you spent more times together you learned a tiny bit more since ‘Tomu’ was secretive but he did tell you his name Tomura. You told him a lot more about yourself then he told you about him. He was the only person who made you feel something almost. Closer then anyone else had made you feel.

He made you almost really laugh. When you told him about your quirk and it’s side effect he just said “You don’t have the most useful quirk but it could be useful for like seeing if someone is lying. Now stop being a cry baby and let’s just eliminate this bad buy,” He felt the same though a little irritated. When you told others they would feel sad or guilty for something. You assumed guilty of talking bad about you begind your back before they heard about your quirk.

You could his anger when he heard someone talk about heroes. Some people online would have Endeavor or All might as their names online and he would often just randomly kill them. When you asked him about it he would often just tell you they had been annoying him even if they never even talked before on the game. He would mumble things at times that made you question heroes a bit. It was slow but he definitely started to take an effect on you. He would talk about family in a toxic way. How old say how family could easily turn their backs on you just as easily as friends.

Your parents began to question you about your online friend especially when they heard you and him talking and him mentioning each other age. You were 17 and him only 20. They never trusted social media or online anything really though they wanted to be happy for you but your naiveness blinded you. He never FaceTimed or sent you a picture of what he looked like.

“Honey we need to talk.” Your mother said as you were about to go to your room to play with Tomura. You stopped before seeing your mom patting a seat next to her and your father. You sat down next to your parents. You could feel their nervousness and fear and desperation.

“We love you but we think your getting to close to that boy online. It’s just it’s sodangerous online. He hasn’t even shown you what he looks like. He could be anyone. We are just looking out for the best with you.” Your mom talked with full concern.

“What...What are you saying?” You knew what they were saying.

“Honey, we don’t want you to talk to him anymore,” Your father sat tall showing he is being serious. You could feel your work crumbling. For the first time in your life you felt something...over whelming sadness and anger. You had been talking to Shigaraki for so long. It felt like he was the only one to understand you. Did...you love him? He was th only person you felt something around.

“No...No. You don’t understand. I...I love him. I love him. You can’t keep me away from him. “ You said before running to your room as fast as possible to run from your parent’s as soon as posble so they wouldn’t try to to stop you or Try to take your game system.

“(Y/n) wait please just listen to-“ You slammed the door before they could stop you and immediately locked your door. You could feel something you had never felt before...tears. You...were crying? You sat next to the door.

“Honey open this door. Please...just tell me your ok. We love you so much,” You could hear your mom crying. You could hear your dad talking to your mom probably comforting her. You started to hear his voice. Tomura could comfort you. You could feel your heart start to beat at the thought of him. you could feel something.

You had started to walk to the game system and turned it on. You could see he was on like he was at that time.

“Hey what took you so long. Were you eating or something?? He said as you could feel his annoyance with you until he could hear you crying. He hestitated.

“(Y/n) open this door!” Your father commanded, you were sure Tomura could hear your dad.

“T-Tomura. My parents are trying to get me to stop talking to you. I-I don’t know what to do. I think...I love you. I think this will be the last time we can talk before my parents take me away from you. You were right. Family can betray you. They don’t understand. I think for the first time in years I have feeling again. Tomura...I don’t know what to do.” For a few seconds as your parents murmuring to each other on what to do before you could hear Tomura.

“Do you really to stay with me?” You stuttered your breathing

“I have a friend who can transport you to me since he has a quirk that can do that by just knowing your address. You need to know though...I’m not a normal guy. My name is Shigaraki Tomura. I’m part of the League of Villains. If you really want to be with me...you will have to do somethings you wouldn’t want to do,” You honestly felt you stop breathing. You loved him right? You were new with feelings so you still figuring everything out. This had to be love. He was all you could think of. Love meant you would do anything for the person you love. You began to hear your parents start to bang on the door calling out to you.

“I would do anything for you Tomura,”

“What’s your address?”

The door was finally opened when they were forced to get the key since their daughter wouldn’t open up. When they were in the room they only saw the game on and a note. The mother went to the not and picked it up.

‘I’ll miss you,’

“So this is your little play thing huh?” The lanky tall man with patched and black hair and electrifying blue eyes said staring at you. Shigaraki scuffed at him before putting his arms around you.

“That’s Ash tray aka Dabi. Just ignore him like his daddy did since all he does is talk and burn things,” Shigaraki said making Dabi growl a bit. You could feel Dabi feeling tired and annoyed though something about him was different. You knew what it was...you’ve felt people like him before...they were always different...the same feeling Shigaraki had...past/or/current abuse.

“You brought me a new friend?! Hi I’m Himiko Toga. Want to be friends?” A blonde haired girl appeared almost out of knowhere. You could feel the crazy off her practically without your quirk.

It had been almost a year since then...Shigaraki and you grew closer. You had actually met All for One...well sorta, you saw him on a tv screen. You had never felt so much...power hunger. You couldn’t move when yo first saw him. Later on he had you kill someone to prove you were really committed though you were only committed to Shigaraki. You had nightmares of killing that teen boy who only made the mistake of talking with the wrong people.

Shigaraki felt so excited when he talked to him. It confused you at first since his father appeared to be dead since he had his hand apparently...you didn’t ask...until he finally admitted everything.

Manga spoilers!

You layed on his bed as he played his video game. One of the characters told about their father being in danger which Shigaraki scuffed.

“Why do you hate fathers so much? I can feel your hatred to fathers even being mentioned.” Shigaraki just scuffed again

“It’s nothing,”

“You can trust me. I would do anything for you.” He thought for a moment. He looked to the side for a moment.

Manga spoilers! Shigurakis origin!

“Fine but only because you are annoying me. I had a family, quite a big one actually. I had my grandparents, Mom, Sister, Dog, and my Father. I had a thin of wanting to be a hero but my father hated heroes. Whenever he found me playing heroes he would punish m to stay outside in the corner but one day after my sister showed me that my grandma was a hero my dad found out and asked my sister what happened she lied and for the first time he hit me. He had no regret in his eyes. When I was outside crying and hugging my quirk appeared. I ended up killing my dog and that’s when my sister came out to apologize. I ended up accidentally killing my whole family until it was just my father. He came out and saw the mess. I killed him. Purposefully. Now can you stop talking and let me play my game,” You honestly felt scared a bit(Shiguraki was the only one to have you to feel emotions at all). You had killed someone yeah but kill your whole family.

Spoilers over

 You just had to find out the most scariest thing at the worst time. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with Shiguraki but this was different. You both went all the way once but they say it only takes once.  You were pregnant. You were 18 years old and Pregnant.

As you stood looking at the test you got up and thought for the first time about everything. You killed a teenage boy for someone to trust you. You still loved Shiguraki but this wasn’t You wouldn’t do it again. Not after everything. You packed your bags and walked out of that apartment you shared with him. This wasn’t a place for a child. A child should not be around killers.

You left with no note. Only with some clothes. You then went to a shady apartment place and then decided to get a short term job until the pregnancy was over so you could keep your apartment until this was over. It wasn’t that bad there. There were some really nice people but there were a few really sketchy guys you stayed away from especially when they flirted with you, you never responded.

After 9 months you finally had your baby. She was 9 pounds. She was born at exactly noon. She oddly had black hair which you assumed came from Shiguraki’s family. She had your (wavy/straight/curly/whatever) hair that you wish you could tell her in person how to control that hair but she would never be able to see you. After thinking over what to do you had your plan. 

As you sat with your daughter for a few days in the hospital you wrote a paper. If you just sent her to adoption then she would be found...she had to be with someone that All For One couldn’t get instantly knowing it wouldn’t be worth. 

You walked with emotions for one thing right now. Tears formed from your eyes as you walked and finally arrived. You looked down at the carrier and she looked up at you with those (e/c) eyes. Those were your eyes she had. You looked away immediately. No backing down. 

You set the carrier was set in front of the door and kneeled and tucked her in a bit more and kissed her not caring that tears were hitting her. 

“I love you so much,” You whispered, leaving the papers you wrote on the ground under her carrier incase the wind came. You kissed her multiple times knowing you could never do it enough. You finally stood and knocked on the door before running off as fast as you could. 

After a minute Toshinori finally opened the door to hear something crying and saw a newborn crying. 

“What the hell,” He muttered to himself before looking around seeing no one around. He picked up the carrier and saw a few pieces of paper and picked it up.

‘I don’t know what I’m doing anymore really. I never did. Everything happened so fast. I know you have a lot of responsibility's All Might but I can’t let her go into her father or All For One’s hands. I don’t have much to say. 

Shiguraki is her dad. The secret to her hair is water. After brushing her hair your put water on it to control the hair after. She may have sensitive skin so she may hate to have her hair brushed. I hated my hair getting brushed. Tell her I love her. Please keep her from trying to find me or anyone related to her father. Choose whatever name for her since I didn’t want to get attached. Keep her safe. Please.’

 Toshinori looked at the paper before looking at the baby and back at the paper then the baby. She seemed content just looking around before looking at him and laughed. She had a beauty mark where her grandmother did as she smiled.

“Aren’t you a smiler, I think I’ll name you Nana,” Toshinori smiled looking at his new daughter

[kyosohmastan]

Hajime and the Curse (Part 1)

[I said I was going to write this a little while ago and post it the same day but, well, that didn’t happen. But here it finally is. This is the first part in what I think is going to be a three part short fic about Hajime finding out about the zodiac curse. I really wanted to write something where Hajime interacts with Kyo and Tohru because I’d think it’d be so sweet to see them as parents. 

I haven’t written fanfiction in literally YEARS so I hope this is decent.]

The Sohma estate is filled with too many mysteries to uncover, if I ever do. It seems like every corner I turn, there are adults, usually on the older side of the spectrum who look at me as if I’m something inhuman. It’s been like this every time we visit the main house and right now, we have returned for New Years. Apparently, it’s always been a big holiday for the family. 

Dad fights us on going every year and I can never figure out why. He has to have bad memories. Every time we walk to Grandpa Kazuma’s dojo, he looks as if he dreads being here. It’s particularly when we pass a small house big enough to fit only one room in the back of the compound where he gets really uncomfortable. His shoulders tense and he avoids looking at it like just gazing at it will curse him with some sort of plague. 

I’ll admit that it looks incredibly dreary. It has only one window and the inside looks pitch dark. I couldn’t find any sources of light in there. I don’t know its purpose or what such a small, desolate looking house is doing on the Sohma’s land full of hundreds of exquisite buildings. It stands out in the worst way.

I pass it again as I make my way to the dojo to meet up with Mutsuki at the main house. Even I can’t bring myself to look at it anymore. The place seems almost haunted, which has me curious on what exactly went on in there.

Mutsuki hops down the steps to the main house. “What took you so long, slow-poke?”

I stop at the bottom of the stairs, slipping my hands into the heavy material of my winter coat. “Just observing the beauty that is the estate.”

“It’s more melancholy than beautiful this time of year,” he says and opens the front door of the house. “Never mind that, though. You have to see how the banquet room looks. It’s all made up for the celebration tomorrow.” He goes down the hallway, passing a few maids along the way who are carrying bouquets of flowers into the banquet room. He has way more excitement over this than I do, but Mutsuki gets ecstatic over everything.

“Oh, Hajime, hi,” Shi-Chan says as he comes out of the banquet room. “I’m so glad you’re here. Could you help bring in the flowers? We’re short on maids right now and could use an extra hand.”

“Sure,” I say, then follow one of the maids to the truck in the front of the house that carried the flowers. The back of the vehicle is piled with them. Apparently, the head of the family has a thing for flowers so it’s not like it’s a surprise. 

I reach into the trunk and pull out a bouquet of baby’s breath, dragging the vase out. 

“Kyo?” says someone behind me. I’ve grown used to people mistaking me for my dad, so I react right away and turn around, facing someone I’ve never seen before, but he obviously knows my dad.

I set the pot down on the ground, it being too heavy to hold for too long. “I’m sorry, Kyo’s my father. I’m Hajime. Do you know him?” I ask. Now that I get a good look at him, he looks like my dad. They have the same eyes and they look like mine as well. He has to be a Sohma, but there’s got to be more to it than that. Maybe he’s a close relative.

“You’re his son?” He says it as if the very thought was incomprehensible. He flicks away his cigarette and it sinks into the wet snow beside my feet. “I wasn’t aware he had children.”

My bad vibe senses get triggered. Everything about this guy reeks of something toxic. It’s the way he said that with such disdain that makes it seem like him having a kid is something to look down upon. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m Kyo’s father. How strange that we haven’t bumped into each other. You live on the estate?”

Oh, shit. I’d heard about him from Dad and I never intended to ever see him. From what I gathered, this guy was horrible to him, verbally abusing him for reasons my dad won’t tell me. But whatever the reasons, how he treated him was inexcusable and the very idea of him abusing my father made me hate the guy without ever meeting him.

I move away from the truck to let the maids get to the vases. “No, I’m just visiting for New Year’s. But I never had any intentions of running into you.” I try to keep myself as neutral as I can, but quickly fail. I can’t bring myself to show this guy any respect, even though Mom says it’s important to respect your elders.

“Well, that isn’t very nice. Surely not something you would say to your grandfather,” he says, ending his statement with a smirk.

My blood boils within seconds. “I already have a grandfather.”

“You mean Kazuma? You know, he only took your father in for the paycheck,” he says.

Without hesitation, I turn and pick the pot back up, done with this guy and this conversation. “I know that’s a lie.”

“I’m only being realistic. Kazuma only adopted him because he pitied the monster,” he says. There it was again; the monster. The other day, a woman I ran into at the back of the main house called me the same thing. I still don’t know what it means.

“You could be one too. You should get that checked out.” He snickers and the sound seems closer. I turn and find him standing over me. 

My shoulders tense, but I refuse to make myself seem vulnerable. “I...don’t know what you’re talking. But my dad isn’t a monster, whatever you say.” I push past him, hauling the pot in my arm. “I’ve heard plenty about you. You abused my dad and my grandmother. That’s why I never wanted anything to do with you. So in that case, I’ll be going.” My foot hits the bottom step of the porch of the main house. I have to get out of here. I shouldn’t have even spoken a word to him. Mom and Dad wouldn’t have wanted me to and now it was too late.

“Well, that hurts,” he grumbles, leaning against the truck. “So you don’t know about the curse then?”

I can’t comprehend what he means, but it has to have something to do with all these questions I’ve been having. It has to be the thing this family is trying to hide.

I long to ask him more. This could be my chance to finally know what the hell was blatantly being kept a secret to me. I turn back to him, contemplating once again whether or not to ask him about it, but my lips seal tight and my eyes widen as I watch my dad come toward us.

He takes one look at his father and his eyes narrow, almost becoming cat-like. “What are you doing here?” He asks not so nicely.

I hardly ever hear him sound like that. His voice was deep and stern like he was trying to feel superior to his father who wasn’t really his father at all. Not like Grandpa Kazuma was to him.

The man backed away from the truck and my dad slowly. “I was just passing by and saying hello to my grandson.”

“He’s not your grandson,” Dad says, leveling his tone of voice unlike earlier. “I think it’s time you leave.”

The man chuckles and it doesn’t sound at all pleasant. “I was already leaving. Have a good New Year’s.” He turns to leave, but stops mid step and looks over his shoulder at Dad. “I’ll leave you with this question, Kyo. What made you think you had the right to bring any offspring of yours into this world?”

My heart sinks to my stomach all at once. That was the wrong thing to say to both me and Dad. I clutch the pot harder and Dad balls his fist. Even from a few feet away, I can spot the rapid tick in his jaw. 

“Leave,” my dad says in nearly a whisper. 

The man shrugs and leaves, his question going unanswered. But I think that was his intention.

I let out a breath I’d been holding. “Dad, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything-” He was in front of me in a flash before I could finish my thought.

He touches my cheek and examines my face. “He didn’t hurt you, right?”

I shake my head. “No. No, I’m fine. We just talked,” I say, biting my lip.

“What did he say to you?”

I put the pot down once again. These flowers are never going to make it into the house at this point. “He said I should check to make sure that I’m not a monster.”

Dad flinched then rose up from his position on the ground. “Don’t listen to him.”

“But what does that mean? There was a woman who called me the same thing. Something’s being kept from me.” I try not to sound angry, but my tone is getting harsher. This is so frustrating. I’m sick of continuously wondering what is going on, what is being kept from me. I’m no longer suspicious. I know there’s something this family is trying to hide. “Please, dad. If there’s something going on that affects me, please tell me. I can’t stand being this confused anymore.”

My dad’s eyes finally soften, his cat-like pupils fading away. He sighs and picks up the pot. “You’re old enough to know now. Mom and I planned to tell you eventually.” He makes his way up the steps and I follow.

“You’re finally going to tell me? You promise?” I ask. But Dad wouldn’t ever lie.

“Promise,” he says. He uses his free hand to ruffle my hair. “When we get back home, Mom and I will tell you.”

Relief floods over me like a strong ripple in the water. After all these years, I’d get my answers. “Thank you.” We enter the house and I hold the door open for him. “So what brings you to the main house?”

“I was curious to see how the preparation for the banquet was going,” he says. “I’d be more excited, but I’m not fond of New Year’s this year.”

I look up at him just slightly. He was only about five inches taller than me. “Why not?”

He grimaces and turns his gaze away from mine. “Because it’s the year of the rat.”

[Hope you liked it! I’ll continue with part 2 if you would like to see it. Thank you for reading. 💓]

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Rant...on depression and toxic relationships

Ok so no one said anything or did anything in particular that made me want to rant, rather this is something that's been on my mind for a while and I sort of needed to vent especially after these last crappy 3 years.

So just a lot of background in 2017 my younger brother died in an accident. Everyone handles grief differently, I didn't handle mine at all. I arranged his funeral and picked his headstone and casket, I finished my last semester of college and got my degree, and helped start a scholarship in his memory, I became the speaker and awarder of another scholarship in his memory started by a non-profit, I started some masters classes over the summer online, got ready to move from a small rural idahoan town to Portland, Oregon, and supported my siblings as they grieved. My mom and grandparents (paternal) took it the hardest and I made sure I was there for them as much as possible.

Once I moved aand started school, while i loved the independence i had and I fell in love with the city, I struggled hard. It started off great and I was doing so well the first semester, then I was having trouble sleeping. I was staying up later and later until it got to the point were I wasnt sleeping at all. I would get the urge to pace around and do quick strides across the room and then hop back in bed. Then I lost my appetite, just wasnt hungry, then i lost my ability to tell when i was full or not. I wasnt hungry but i knew i had to eat so i would eat but just keep eating until i realized that i probably should stop after eating an entire pizza by myself or a whole Costco cheesecake (what the hell I wasnt even hungry?!?!). Then I started having anxiety problems, i would try to read for class or right a paper and my mind couldnt focus or think I couldnt write or remember the sentence I just reread four times. I'd get so angry and upset with myself that I would stay to throw up. And I couldn't stop. It got so bad that so much as looking at a book or opening my laptop would have me running to the bathroom. That's when I started isolating myself from the friend as i made there. I couldnt go out because I need to do school work (which never got done) and I would just spend the day crying in front of my laptop frustrated with myself and vomiting non stop. Then I became apathetic. I went from this organized strong focused lady who could finish college plan a funeral and make time to talk and care for her family and brother's grieving friends, to this lonely pathetic sick crybaby who didnt even want to talk on the phone with her grandma (how I saw myself at the time). I didnt want to go to class which I was loving at first. Then I actually started missing classes because I couldnt even get out of bed. But I wanted to I would spend hour in bed internally yelling at myself to get up, but it felt like the rest of me didnt want to listen and I started to hate myself for it. Then the suicidal ideations began. It was so subtle and harmless at first. I didnt want to talk to people but staying at home wasnt enough because they can come find me or call or whatever. But no one can interrupts you in the shower. So I started taking long showers. It was only once a day. Then it became twice a day. Then three. Showers turned into baths(which I hated as a until then) and pretty soon I was spending the whole day in the bathroom thinking about how much I just wanted to disappear. Just wanting to be left alone in the tub and never come out again. I didnt it think it was bad, but when I told my friend (who was seriously concerned at my avoidance of her and missing classes) she did think it was bad. I started going to a counselor and eventually started taking medication for sleep and depression (which was later switched to medication for PTSD). I finished the year and did well thanks to the support of my cohort and professors. Then my cousin died and I came back home to take care of my family. I took the year off. And in this year my aunt died, another cousin and this three sons were in a terrible accident which killed three of them and left one with permanent brain damage, and my mother left.

My mother leaving is kind of a big one because this isnt the first time. I just want to say that I love my mother and she has never physically or verbally abused me. But she is toxic as hell. She never grew up. Eloped at 18 to get out of an abusive household, had me at 19 and then my brother at 20, then my father died, she took care of us with the help of my grandparents for a while, then she took off for California with some guy and left me and my brother until her parents made her come back. Then she had my other brother. She was good for a couple of years and then had an affair and took off with some one for a couple of months, she came back. Then she had my sister, miscarried 2 times, and eventually had my baby brother (now 7). And she was mostly doing good, of course I was a co-parent, i took thier schooling and safety more seriously than my mom. If it wasnt for my grandparents, my brother and I wouldnt have had childhoods. He was my partner co-parent, but at my dads parents he was just my brother and best friend. My mom loves us but she is selfish. So I always tried to be selfless, but I also tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because she always comes back. She never apologizes or acknowledges what she had done she just comes back. It never bothered me before I just thought "well this is how she is and I mean she loves me and comes back, she isnt abusive so I cant complain".

Well she left in March and while my other brother and I had been through this and were just kind of indifferent to it. My sister was devastated and my little brother and his routine were messed up. My step dad was an angry mess and so I took care of them all and tried to be the adult (I mean I am an adult right?). I informed him of his rights and options such as divorce. He said he wanted to and I said I could help him with the papers. But I mean I figured she'd come back and i told my sister this over and over again. But honestly i was starting to become less indifferent as I watched what this was doing to her 16yr old psyche and how much it was hurting my brother especially because he didnt seem to understand what was going on.

She came back the beginning of this month after two weeks of coming back to the home to try to take her stuff, fighting with my stepdad, trying to take my little brother (not my sister which also hurt her feelings) and then stealing money from my brother.

And the thing is yall, I was ready and willing to just accept that and just do what we always do and pretend that it didnt happen even though for the first time (I was angry about it because of how much my siblings were hurting). But the thing is, my mother wont talk to me or look me in the eye. She came back and I tried to say high and give her a hug and she just avoided me. Which I was like ok fine you are in a mood let me know when that is over. Then my brother got into an accident (not fatal or serious thank God). She could have called me to let me know, to asked me to pick up the kids, to let me calmly inform them. She did not. She called my sister in a panic to tell her that my brother was in a bad accident (it wasn't) and they were looking for him and for her to find a ride home with a friend. This of course sent my sister into a panic attack she didnt know what to do or even if anyone had picked up our little brother. So she did what all of my siblings do when they are scared, in danger, or completely unaware of what they should do: She called me.

I calmed her down I told her to get on the bus and I'd stay on the phone with her. I had my grandma call the police department to see if they knew of the accident and could give information that would help me locate my brother (they couldnt) and had her call the school to see if anyone had picked up my brother (my stepdad had). I stayed on the phone with her as my grandpa drove me to the house to go get her because I didnt want her to be alone.

When I got there my mom and step dad had just arrived with my brother's (my brother had a panic attack at the wheel and went off the road into a field. No one was harmed but the policeman on duty saw it and my brother was taken to the nearest hospital because he hadn't calmed down and was having trouble breathing (he also has asthma). I get there check on him and my other siblings, we have a group hug (corny, but after losing our brother in a car accident previosly, we all were freaked and needed one). And my stepdad came up to me and thanked me for coming down to check on everyone. My mom rushed inside. I followed and she started putting pot and pans on the stove and didnt look at me. I said hi. She didn't turn around but said hey. I started to tell her what she should have my brother take for his nerves (old wives tale stuff but like in my mind it works so I am going to suggest it ok). Never looks at me. Or acknowledges what I am saying. Some I tell my stepdad. Look my siblings over one last time and head back to my grandparents house. On the way back I realize that she had no intention of calling me. She thought my brother had been in a bad accident, and she was not going to call me. I am the one who had to come tell her about my brother passing away. I left my grandparents crying and screaming (calling a bunch of people to go over there and be with them of course) to tell my mom about it before she heard it somewhere else. And she wasnt going to tell me that my brother was possibly hurt or worse. She rather let my teenage sister panic and try to find a way home by herself than to call me.

That hurt, but I was willing to let that go. I never speak ill of my mom to my siblings or to anyone in general. After everything I still couldnt because she is my mom and she came back and I know she loves me.

The she had my sister call me a couple of days ago to tell me she was dropping of my brother because he didnt have school and she was going to a job interview. Didnt tell me how long I'd be watching him (I asked and my sister said she didnt know). So I just figured I'd ask my mom when she dropped him off. I was waiting at the door for him and she practically made him tuck and role out of the car. She never got out never looked at me and my poor baby didnt have his shoes on the right feet or tied. I Had plans, canceled them because I didnt know how long he'd be staying (wasnt long). And she had my sister call (while she was in school) to tell me that she was outside when she came to pick him up. My brother was upset because he (while she was gone) became accustomed to being dropped off and left with me the whole day or weekend. So it was a fight to get his shoes on and him out the door. Again never looked me. I smiled and waved tried to get her attention. Nope. She didn't even get out of the car to open the door for him. He managed to get it just as I was about to go over and help.

I texted her happy mother's day. Nothing. I tried calling her to say it. No answer. Called my siblings to have them tell her I said it in case she didnt see the text. Nada.

I dont know what I did. What I do know is that I dont deserve to be treated this way. I never did. And that is actually super hard to admit because when we think of abusive and toxic, I wouldnt immediately think of my mother because even though she does things that hurt us, refuses to acknowledge it, expects us to take care of her and respect her time when she doesnt have any consideration for our time and property, she is my mother who loves me. She is the same mother who took us to pizza hut on Saturdays, to the pool and water park during the summer, who bought us Christmas presents, and who we have had good times with.

But she is toxic. she is emotionally manipulative and inconsiderate. I've made excuses and even blamed myself. Maybe I wasn't trying to communicated enough, maybe I made her feel unloved, maybe I am being sensitive since my history with depression and all that stuff. Maybe I am just misreading. Because it has to me, because she loves me so I must be at fault if she isnt talking to me.

But honestly, I am tired of blaming me. I am tired of being the adult in this relationship. I already have my personal issues. My future is pretty unclear as I try to decide if I want to go back to school (my grandparents are pressuring me just to get a job and stick around idaho), or if I still even want my Master's or If I want to do something else completely. Except for when I am watching TV or with my siblings and dog I am pretty much unhappy and confused all the time.

This year was supposed to be about self-care and healing. Not drama. I am just done.

I dont know what to expect into the coming year (in academic years not the year beginning in January) but I am done with self hate and I am done with toxic relationships. I probably cant take another year off without at least finding a job. But I don't think I am ready to go back to school (I miss it so much though), this break has felt more like work even with the fun tumblr convos.

Honestly thanks to the Charmed and Fallen Hero Fandoms because without y'all I dont know how I would have made it through all this. Also thank God for Hacy fanfiction because I needed good reading material in hospital waiting rooms, and in my moments alone to keep me from over contemplating on people who dont deserve it.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

I Decided To Look Up About The Tumblr-Username Myself.

even though I did ask for advice about it September 13th, 2021.

I decided to look it up on September 14th and found a Youtube video that tells

about what happens when you do change your Tumblr Username.

and it appears that it really does change the URL too, so when I do change my

username it will also change the URL too.

well I really don't want any misunderstandings,

so it is for the best for me to come up with a new username.

I knew that there was going to possibility that no one would see that post asking for help right a way, regarding the effects of changing a Tumblr Username.

and I really wanted to know if it would cause the URL to change

or stay the same. 

because of the change, I will have to put down

“formerly: mythicalmarvelgirlnerd”

just so there will be no misunderstandings and those who have seen my drawings on both here and over at dev, don’t get the wrong idea or any form of bad assumptions.

a part of me wants to go with either a username that has to do with deltarune/undertale or like something that could have to do with my being Neo-Spiritual.....then again if I go with something that has to do with “Archangel of the Goddess.” there is a possibility people will just end up getting the wrong idea.....

I really do prefer to have her get custody of me, even if I still believe in God and Jesus.....but I think that when I end up talking about it too much without meaning to, people might get the wrong idea and I want to try to only talk about that kind of stuff every once in a while.

plus even if some info says that Seth’s line didn’t intermarry with daughters of Cain....that sure didn’t last very long...

I mean if it is true that Noah is a descendant of Seth,

and I did mention before that my Ancestor is Noah too (well that makes some humans of this world his descendants too.)

that would mean that Seth is my Ancestor too, well him and Cain...

maybe it could be seen as a Yin-Yang type thing, I don’t know...

I still can’t agree with Noah punishing his own grandson instead of his son for a certain act.

at least most dads now in days are much better when have balance with their feminine side and will be the ones to protect their daughters from the dangers of being hurt by those like King David’s son who hurt Tamar.

even if King David loved his son, he was not being a good parent by not punishing him for taking away Tamar’s Maidenhood against her will.

a “Maidenhood” is well just as it sounds,

even if it might mean something else for different reasons...

but it would make sense it would have to do with being a Virgin.

and if someone is called a Maiden, it means they are still a Virgin.

wait does that mean those Holy Maidens from the Fantasy Video games

would be Holy Virgins....?

I don’t think I ever thought about that until just now,

learning that “Maiden” also means “Virgin”

I think maybe later tonight, I should place my pendulum at the window.

even if it isn’t very bright right now because it is raining, I rather wait until later.

even though I did find out that I and my family, are mixed descendants of Seth and Cain, I am still me and I still have feelings.

and some times whatever I say can get misinterpreted and hurt my feelings.

though when my feelings get hurt enough I do cry....

like with happen with that toxic jerk a few years ago around 2019.

my family is Christian but I don’t think they will accept that I rather go by Neo-Spiritual...I think that a lot of people both religious and atheist,

might feel they can’t open up to their family about their new view and how they might start to question some stuff in their community.

and because they know that their family and neighbors

might not accept it, they have to hide it in the closet.

which once again, being in the closet isn’t just for your sexuality preference.

it can also have to do with your different religious belief, gender identity,

or maybe even species identity...

so being in the closet can be seen as expanded from just being about sexuality, to the other types too.

I know I can’t talk to my Mom about me being on a Gray-Ace Spectrum.

I think it would be correct to call it Gray-Ace Spectrum for me and others who are a bit different.

a Aceflux would be in the Gray Asexual Spectrum.

I also want to say that it is possible for a person to be both Aroflux

and still love watching or reading or playing video games with romance in it.

but might not feel like pursuing romance themself.

and when the Omnisexual or Omniromantic comes into play,

it could have different meanings.

like preferring guys who are more in touch with their feminine side,

nonbinary and excreta.

I hope the new season of Harley Quinn starts soon,

and I know some might disagree with what I am about to say...

but even if Doctor Psycho was 100% in the wrong for calling his ex-wife the “c” word....

he might of been a little right about Wonderwoman....being one....

I mean her and her mom, and warrior sisters could end up being the toxic feminist side....but I hope there is some improvement in the future.

 and the toxic side does show in that one movie that had to do with Flash accidentally changing history when he was running.

Wonderwoman became a a dirty shisno.

even if how she became a shisno was under different reasons...

when fighting for equality, one must not let it get into the dark side

such as the Toxic-Feminist, I love the Moxie Movie and I’m glad everything worked out in the end.

but the Main Character almost lost her way into the dark side, a toxic side that made her attack (with her words) to the wrong guys who aren’t like the monster that would be revealed in the movie who did something very bad

that can be done by not just men/boys but also women/girls too.

but she does get back on the right path and ends up helping one of the girls from her school, who was hurt by a boy who did something really bad.

plus there can be some girls who were born Intersex, but could end up being the ambiguous type so it isn’t noticed.

I’m not sure if there would be a Feminist Group who would treat girls and women who find out they are intersex, in contempt.

but that might only be the toxic groups who feel that way, and those who are more open to those who were born Intersex might be still welcomed and loved for who they are on the inside, and Not just because of them being female/intersex.

there are different types of intersex, and some might not know they are right away until much later in their life.

 with some Intersex, they could appear male on the outside but have the female reproductive organs on the inside, the same can be for those who appear female on the outside but have the male reproductive organs on the inside.

and no this would not mean they are Transmen or Transwomen.

it is just how they were born, and with some humans in the world

they can still appear female or male or even androgynous but they could still end up being one of the types of Intersex, as there isn’t just one or two types.

those who are the unnoticed intersex types, are one of the lucky ones.

because it is thanks to this, it protects them from having their choice taken away by both their parents and doctors when they get surgery without their consent or full understanding of whats going on.

that choice is theirs to make, not the parents or the rest of their family or even the doctors.

a family or the doctors should never take that choice away,

it isn’t right and it could end up harming the baby if they do the surgery too early in their life.

well I can think of another harm that can be for a baby, if they died in a past life because of some dirty shisno...

I’m gonna try to hope my pendulum is just on one of it’s pranks

when it came to asking about one of my past lives....

cause if it turns out to be true, I have a right to dislike dirty shisnos like that.

also I think the name Twilightner for the Players who play Deltarune, fits perfectly.

and the Darkners being Tulpa would make sense,

being creations of both Monsters and Humans who are known as Lightners.

and a Twilightner would between being a Darkner and Lightner, so it would make sense if the Players of Deltarune, would be called Twilightners.

I hope I can come up with the new username today, I will have to make sure to  put down my former username on my new drawing posts too, so there will be no misunderstandings.

I still have to try to hope that the double check of what my blood type

will be more successful when we try again.

I also hope that Deltarune when all the chapters are fully complete,

that it will get it’s own game card for the Nintendo Switch like Undertale did.

it be nice if Temmie’s new games ended up on the Nintendo Switch too,

like in their own Nintendo Switch Game Case with the game card for the games on the inside.

I don’t suspect Cuphead Game getting a game card for the Nintendo Switch any time soon, even if the game is downloadable.

some will make the game case (like for the Xbox.)

but a game disc wont be inside, just some info and a art of the characters from the game. 

but if the Cuphead Game already has a game card and disc for both Nintendo Switch and Xbox One, it wouldn’t hurt looking it up and keeping a eye out for them.

like waiting for a video game of Doki Doki Literature Club for the Nintendo Switch or Xbox One.

yeah the Doki Doki Literature Club Plus is on the Nintendo Switch, which I can’t wait to play it.

I’m listening to Good For You From Dear Evan Hansen.

I can think of some Ancestor Grandpas that that song would fit perfectly.

with their descendants singing it to them.

also I did do a fan art that had a intersex Imp, which I want to be like a Crossover type OC, like a Hazbin Hotel x Helluva Boss.

I did check to see if there were other Imps in the show

that had the same type of horns as them, but so far none.

so the idea of Intersex Imps having horns that can appear a bit different than the female and male horns, could hint they were born Intersex.

Millie’s sister is one of the transwomen characters in Helluva Boss.

I’m not sure how many they will be, but it be nice if Nonbinary was added.

some who are Nonbinary will go by them/they,

while some will still go by he/him or she/her,

and if a Nonbinary person ends up becoming Trans too,

they could have a bigender identity.

I guess I’m still in the Chrysalis stage,

like I could still go by Gyno-Agender

but what if I’m more of a Feminine-Nonbinary..?

I have seen the Gyno-Agender as type of bigender Identity...

and I wonder if I do figure out that I am more Feminine-Nonbinary,

would that still make me bigender....?

I think I will go watch Steven Universe Movie after I post this...

I will still stay signed in, as I do plan to check out some stuff on here.

plus maybe while watching the movie I can decide on a new username.

 anyway like I said, knowing it was possible that some might not of seen that post right away and well I had decided to look up the info about the whole changing my tumblr username myself.

which did help, so if I decide on a new username today

will change it later maybe after I watch Steven Universe Movie

and check out some stuff on here too.

is it weird I can’t help but think if there was Goddess parody of

“Let Us Adore You”

that Athena would be the Yellow Diamond,

Selena would be Blue Diamond,

and Hera would be White Diamond...?

and given how White acted before, Hera would be perfect for the role. 

as to who would be the Pink Diamond,

I would say one of the Earth Goddesses.

I can’t help but think that Steven’s parents

were kind of Toxic, yeah they were good but they were also bad at the same time.

and Steven did point this out when talking about his Mom after finding out her secret, as well as pointed out that his dad is just like her.

even if Greg is a good dad in some points, he was still bad at the points that he did neglect Steven....

I mean not neglect in the other sense, but more like in all the times he made money in his car wash and even got all that money from Sourcream’s Bio-Dad.

he never once took Steven to see a doctor or get him into school

or get him a home school tutor.

yeah Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst can help him with gem stuff...

but Steven is still half-human, and I can’t help but be disappointed in Greg

when he just says “your a gem” and not thinking that Steven might need both his halves cared for equally.

it was good that Doctor Maheswaran saw Steven when she did,

and it was good that she could see that Greg has been neglectful to Steven’s needs, like needing to see a doctor for one.

some family who aren’t able to go to a doctor or to a school,

have a good excuse and at times will end up getting help with that.

Greg might of had a bad relationship with his parents,

but it doesn’t mean he was 100% in the right.

maybe like only partly....I understand he would need to hide his music from them.

but it is possible in theory, that the reason why he wasn’t allowed to have music.

might have to do with one of his parents having sensitive hearing

and couldn’t take very loud music if Greg had a habit of playing his music really loud and not given the consideration that it might be hurting one of his parents.

if there was a AU where after Steven left Beach City to go live with his Father’s parents in secret but still travel at times....

then if Steven told his grandparents about his life and how his dad raised him but at same time didn’t....

I guess his Grandparents could end up becoming accepting that at least he had his Mother’s friends to raise him but be a bit disappointed they didn’t tend to the other needs he needed in his life, but could point out they still had good hearts.

but could still express disappointment in Greg,

who knows most of how Earth is like and could of helped their Grandson’s adoptive mother figures more.

there can be two sides to every story, and if there is a canon comic

where Greg goes to make up and reconnect with his parents after he fully realizes what they did to him, is just what he was doing to Steven but still being slightly different.

even Blue started to realize her mistake with handling Pink.

but even if Pink didn’t deserve most of her punishments,

but with how Pink acted most of the time, like with her destructive powers...

some of the punishments might of been what she deserved.

she was the first gem to become a Mother,

showing that it is possible for sexless/feminine identity polymorphic gem humanoids, to create a new life without taking life from organic life.

anyway I’m gonna go watch Steven Universe Movie now.

see ya later and stay safe everyone.           

[gandos]

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I Am Woman

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The story of 1970s musician and activist Helen Reddy. Director: Unjoo Moon Writer: Emma Jensen Stars: Evan Peters, Tilda Cobham-Hervey, Matty Cardarople

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1966. Helen Reddy arrives in New York with her three-year-old daughter, a suitcase and $230 in her pocket. She had been told she’d won a recording contract, but the record company promptly dashes her hopes by telling her it has enough female stars and suggests she has fun in New York before returning home to Australia. Helen, without a visa, decides to stay in New York anyway and pursue a singing career, struggling to make ends meet and provide for her daughter. There she befriends legendary rock journalist Lillian Roxon, who becomes her closest confident. Lillian inspires her to write and sing the iconic song “I Am Woman” which becomes the anthem for the second wave feminist movement and galvanises a generation of women to fight for change. She also meets Jeff Wald, a young aspiring talent manager who becomes her agent and husband. Jeff helps her get to the top, but he also suffers from a drug addiction, which gradually turns their relationship toxic. Caught in the treadmill of fame …

Our relationship is strained. It feels like it has been for a while. For the last four years, there has been an elephant in the room — I’d joke and call it an orange elephant, but I’m nervous that might end this earnest conversation before it even begins. Have I changed? I mean, yes, of course I have. I’ve gotten older. I’ve had two children. I’ve tried to read and learn as much as possible, just as you taught me. In fact, that’s sort of the weirdest thing. I don’t think I’ve changed much. I still believe, deep in my bones, all the fundamental things you not only talked to me about, but showed me when I was little. I believe in character. I believe in competence. I believe in treating people decently. I believe in moderation. I believe in a better future and I believe in American exceptionalism, the idea that the system we were given by the Founding Fathers, although imperfect, has been an incredible vehicle for progress, moral improvement, and greatness, unlike any other system of government or country yet conceived. I believe this exceptionalism comes with responsibilities. Politically, I’m pretty much the same, too. Government is best when limited, but it’s nonetheless necessary. Fair but low taxes grow the economy. Rights must be protected, privacy respected. Partisanship stops at the water’s edge. No law can make people virtuous — that obligation rests on every individual. So how is it even possible that we’re here? Unable to travel, banned from entry by countless nations. The laughingstock of the developed world for our woeful response to a pandemic. 200,000 dead. It hasn’t been safe to see you guys or grandma for months, despite being just a plane ride away. My children — your grandchildren — are deprived of their friends and school. Meanwhile, the U.S., which was built on immigration — grandma being one who fled the ravages of war in Europe for a better life here — is now a bastion of anti-immigrant hysteria. Our relatives on your side fought for the Union in the Civil War. Great-grandpa fought against the Russians in WWI, and granddad landed at Normandy to stop the rise of fascism. And now people are marching with tiki-torches shouting, “the Jews will not replace us.” What is happening?! Black men are shot down in the streets? Foreign nations are offering bounties on American soldiers?

i am woman movie full casti am the other woman full movie i am woman movie i am woman movie netflixi am woman movie where to watch i am woman movie trailer i am woman movie review i am woman movie soundtrack i am woman movie adelaide i am woman movie australia And the President of the United States defends, rationalizes, or does nothing to stop this? I’d say that’s insane, but I’m too heartbroken. Because every step of the way, I’ve heard you defend, rationalize, or enable him and the politicians around him. Not since I was a kid have I craved to hear your strong voice more, to hear you say anything reassuring, inspiring, morally cogent. If not for me, then for the world that will be left to your grandchildren. This does not feel like a good road we are going down… Look, I know you’re not to blame for this. You hold no position of power besides the one we all have as voters, but I guess I just always thought you believed in the lessons you taught me, and the things we used to listen to on talk radio on our drives home from the lake. All those conversations about American dignity, the power of private enterprise, the sacredness of the Oval Office, the primacy of the rule of law. Now Donald Trump gushes over foreign strongmen. He cheats on his wife with porn stars (and bribes them with illegal campaign funds). He attacks whistleblowers (career army officers, that is). He lies blatantly and habitually, about both the smallest and largest of things. He enriches himself, his family members, and his business with expenditures straight from the public treasury. And that’s just the stuff we know about. God knows what else has happened these last four years that executive privilege has allowed him to obscure from public view. I still think about the joke you made when we walked past Trump Tower in New York when I was kid. Tacky, you said. A reality show fool. Now that fool has his finger on the nuclear button — which I think he thinks is an actual button — and I can’t understand why you’re OK with this. I mean, the guy can’t even spell! You demanded better of me in the papers I turned in when I was in middle school. I know you don’t like any of it. If you’d have had your choice, any other Republican would have been elected but Trump. You’re not an extremist, and you’ve never once said anything as repulsive as what people now seem comfortable saying on TV and social media (and in emails to your son, I might add). Four years ago, I wrote to you to ask you not to vote for Donald Trump. But this time around, that’s no longer enough. At some point, just finding it all unpleasant and shaking your head at the tweets, while saying or doing nothing more about it, is moral complicity. You told me that as a kid! That the bad prevail when good people do nothing. A while back I emailed a friend of mine who is an advisor to the administration. I said to him, why do you think my dad’s support of Trump bothers me so much more than yours? Because it does. This is someone who helped put Trump in office and wants to keep him there, but we’re still friends. Talking to him doesn’t hurt my heart the way it does when politics come up over family meals. The man’s answer was telling, and I am quoting. He said, “Because I am irredeemable, but your dad ought to know better.” Does that register with you at all? One of the things you taught me well was how to spot a scam. Double check everything, you said. Do your research. Look at what the people around them say. Look at their history. Remember when you used to quote Reagan’s line to me, “Trust, but verify”? I’ve been lucky enough to make a few trips to Washington the last few years. I’ve sat across from Senators and Congressmen. I’ve talked to generals who have briefed the president, and business leaders who worked with him before the election. This is a guy who doesn’t read, they said, a guy with the attention span of a child. Everybody avoided doing business with him. Because he didn’t listen, because he stiffed people on bills, because he was clueless. He treated women horribly. He’s awful, they said. I thought this was a particularly damning line: If Donald Trump were even half-competent, one elected official told me, he could probably rule this country for 20 years. I have trouble figuring what’s worse — that he wants to, or that he wants to but isn’t competent enough to pull it off. Instead, Washington is so broken and so filled with cowards that Trump just spent the last four years breaking stuff and embarrassing himself. I learned from you how to recognize a dangerous or unreliable person. If you don’t trust the news, could you trust what I’m bringing you, right from the source? Let’s trust our gut, not our political sensibility. Based on what I’ve told you, and what you’ve seen: Would you let him manage your money? Would you want your wife or daughter to work for him without supervision? I’m not even sure I would stay in one of his hotels, after what I’ve read. Watching the RNC a few weeks ago, I wondered what planet I was on. What’s with all the yelling? How is this happening on the White House lawn? Why are his loser kids on the bill? His kid’s girlfriend??? And what is this picture of America they are painting? They are the ones in charge! Yet they choose to campaign against the dystopian nightmare that is 2020… which is to say, they are campaigning against themselves. Look, I agree there is crazy stuff happening in the world. The civil unrest is palpable, violence is on the rise, and Americans have never been so openly divided. Sure, rioting and looting are bad. But who is to blame for all the chaos? The President. Remember what you told me about the sign on Truman’s desk? The buck stops here. (May we contrast that with: “I don’t take responsibility at all.”) In any case, what some crazy people in Portland are doing is not ours to repeatedly disavow. What the president does? The citizens are complicit in that. Especially if we endorse it at the ballot box come November 3rd. Besides, what credibility do we have to insist on the ‘rule of law’ when eight of the president’s associates have faced criminal charges? His former lawyer went to jail, too! And then the president commutes their sentences, dangles pardons to keep them quiet, or tries to prevent them from cooperating with authorities? When he’s fined millions of dollars for illegally using his charity as a slush fund? When he cheats on his taxes? When he helped his parents avoid taxes, too? I remember you once told me the story of a police officer in your department who was caught filling up his personal car with gas paid for by the city. The problem, you said, wasn’t just the mistake. It was that when he was confronted by it, he lied. But the cameras showed the proof and so he was fired, for being untrustworthy most of all. Would you fire Trump if he worked for you? What kind of culture do you think your work would have had if the boss acted like Trump? As for the lying, that’s the craziest part, because we can, as the kids say, check the receipts: Was it bad enough to call John McCain a loser? Yes, but then, of course, Trump lied and claimed he didn’t. Bad enough to cheat on his wife? Yes, but of course, he lied about it, and committed crimes covering it up (which he also lied about). Was it bad enough to solicit help from Russia and Wikileaks in the election? Yes, but then he, his son, and his campaign have lied about it so many times, in so many forums, that some of them went to jail over it. Was it stupid that, in February, Trump was tweeting about how Covid-29 was like the flu and that we didn’t need to worry? Yes, but it takes on a different color when you listen to him tell Bob Woodward that in January he knew how bad it was, how much worse it was than even the worst flu, and that he was deliberately going to downplay the virus for political purposes. I’m sure we could quibble over some, but The Fact Checker database currently tallys over 20,000 lies since he took office. Even if we cut it in half, that’s insane! It’s impossible to deny: Trump lied, and Americans have died because of it. A friend of mine had a one-on-one dinner with Trump at the White House a while back. It was actually amazing, he said. Half the evening was spent telling lies about the size of his inaugural address. This was in private — not even for public relations purposes, and years after the controversy had died down. That’s when he realized: The lying is pathological. It can’t be helped. Which is to say, it makes a person unfit to lead. Politics should not come before family. I don’t want you to think this affects how I feel about you. But it does make it harder for us to spend time together — not just literally so, since Trump’s bumbling response to the pandemic has crippled America and made travel difficult. It’s that I feel grief. I feel real grief — were the lessons you taught me as a kid not true? Did you not mean them? Was it self-serving stuff to make sure I behaved? Was I a fool for listening? Or is it worse, that my own father cares more about his retirement accounts — and I’ll grant, the runup of the market has been nice for me, too — than the future he is leaving for his children? Are you so afraid of change, of that liberal boogeyman Limbaugh and Hannity and these other folks have concocted, that you’d rather entrust the country to a degenerate carnival barker than anyone else? I see all this anger, what is it that you’re so angry about? You’ve won. Society has worked for you. My own success is proof. So what is it? Because it can’t possibly be that you think this guy is trustworthy, decent, or kind. It’s definitely not about his policies… because almost every single one is anathema to what Republicans — and you — have talked about my entire life. The one thing I hold onto is hope. I believe in America. I believe in the goodness of hardworking people like you and Mom. I know that this is not what you wanted to happen, that this is not the America you grew up in nor the one you would like for me and my kids to grow up in. I hold onto hope that you’re tired enough to draw the line. That you are not irredeemable as that Trump advisor allowed himself to become. The right thing is always the right thing, you’ve said. Even when it’s hard. Even when it goes against what your friends think, or what you’ve done in the past. The right thing is obviously to end this. To cancel this horrendous experiment with its cavalcade of daily horrors and vulgarities and stupidities and historical humiliations. America is a great nation. …

[streamifree]

I Am Woman   (2020) FULL MOVIE STREAM FREe

➜WATCH NOW

The story of 1970s musician and activist Helen Reddy. Director: Unjoo Moon Writer: Emma Jensen Stars: Evan Peters, Tilda Cobham-Hervey, Matty Cardarople

➜DOWNLOAD

1966. Helen Reddy arrives in New York with her three-year-old daughter, a suitcase and $230 in her pocket. She had been told she’d won a recording contract, but the record company promptly dashes her hopes by telling her it has enough female stars and suggests she has fun in New York before returning home to Australia. Helen, without a visa, decides to stay in New York anyway and pursue a singing career, struggling to make ends meet and provide for her daughter. There she befriends legendary rock journalist Lillian Roxon, who becomes her closest confident. Lillian inspires her to write and sing the iconic song “I Am Woman” which becomes the anthem for the second wave feminist movement and galvanises a generation of women to fight for change. She also meets Jeff Wald, a young aspiring talent manager who becomes her agent and husband. Jeff helps her get to the top, but he also suffers from a drug addiction, which gradually turns their relationship toxic. Caught in the treadmill of fame …

Our relationship is strained. It feels like it has been for a while. For the last four years, there has been an elephant in the room — I’d joke and call it an orange elephant, but I’m nervous that might end this earnest conversation before it even begins. Have I changed? I mean, yes, of course I have. I’ve gotten older. I’ve had two children. I’ve tried to read and learn as much as possible, just as you taught me. In fact, that’s sort of the weirdest thing. I don’t think I’ve changed much. I still believe, deep in my bones, all the fundamental things you not only talked to me about, but showed me when I was little. I believe in character. I believe in competence. I believe in treating people decently. I believe in moderation. I believe in a better future and I believe in American exceptionalism, the idea that the system we were given by the Founding Fathers, although imperfect, has been an incredible vehicle for progress, moral improvement, and greatness, unlike any other system of government or country yet conceived. I believe this exceptionalism comes with responsibilities. Politically, I’m pretty much the same, too. Government is best when limited, but it’s nonetheless necessary. Fair but low taxes grow the economy. Rights must be protected, privacy respected. Partisanship stops at the water’s edge. No law can make people virtuous — that obligation rests on every individual. So how is it even possible that we’re here? Unable to travel, banned from entry by countless nations. The laughingstock of the developed world for our woeful response to a pandemic. 200,000 dead. It hasn’t been safe to see you guys or grandma for months, despite being just a plane ride away. My children — your grandchildren — are deprived of their friends and school. Meanwhile, the U.S., which was built on immigration — grandma being one who fled the ravages of war in Europe for a better life here — is now a bastion of anti-immigrant hysteria. Our relatives on your side fought for the Union in the Civil War. Great-grandpa fought against the Russians in WWI, and granddad landed at Normandy to stop the rise of fascism. And now people are marching with tiki-torches shouting, “the Jews will not replace us.” What is happening?! Black men are shot down in the streets? Foreign nations are offering bounties on American soldiers?

i am woman movie full casti am the other woman full movie i am woman movie i am woman movie netflixi am woman movie where to watch i am woman movie trailer i am woman movie review i am woman movie soundtrack i am woman movie adelaide i am woman movie australia And the President of the United States defends, rationalizes, or does nothing to stop this? I’d say that’s insane, but I’m too heartbroken. Because every step of the way, I’ve heard you defend, rationalize, or enable him and the politicians around him. Not since I was a kid have I craved to hear your strong voice more, to hear you say anything reassuring, inspiring, morally cogent. If not for me, then for the world that will be left to your grandchildren. This does not feel like a good road we are going down… Look, I know you’re not to blame for this. You hold no position of power besides the one we all have as voters, but I guess I just always thought you believed in the lessons you taught me, and the things we used to listen to on talk radio on our drives home from the lake. All those conversations about American dignity, the power of private enterprise, the sacredness of the Oval Office, the primacy of the rule of law. Now Donald Trump gushes over foreign strongmen. He cheats on his wife with porn stars (and bribes them with illegal campaign funds). He attacks whistleblowers (career army officers, that is). He lies blatantly and habitually, about both the smallest and largest of things. He enriches himself, his family members, and his business with expenditures straight from the public treasury. And that’s just the stuff we know about. God knows what else has happened these last four years that executive privilege has allowed him to obscure from public view. I still think about the joke you made when we walked past Trump Tower in New York when I was kid. Tacky, you said. A reality show fool. Now that fool has his finger on the nuclear button — which I think he thinks is an actual button — and I can’t understand why you’re OK with this. I mean, the guy can’t even spell! You demanded better of me in the papers I turned in when I was in middle school. I know you don’t like any of it. If you’d have had your choice, any other Republican would have been elected but Trump. You’re not an extremist, and you’ve never once said anything as repulsive as what people now seem comfortable saying on TV and social media (and in emails to your son, I might add). Four years ago, I wrote to you to ask you not to vote for Donald Trump. But this time around, that’s no longer enough. At some point, just finding it all unpleasant and shaking your head at the tweets, while saying or doing nothing more about it, is moral complicity. You told me that as a kid! That the bad prevail when good people do nothing. A while back I emailed a friend of mine who is an advisor to the administration. I said to him, why do you think my dad’s support of Trump bothers me so much more than yours? Because it does. This is someone who helped put Trump in office and wants to keep him there, but we’re still friends. Talking to him doesn’t hurt my heart the way it does when politics come up over family meals. The man’s answer was telling, and I am quoting. He said, “Because I am irredeemable, but your dad ought to know better.” Does that register with you at all? One of the things you taught me well was how to spot a scam. Double check everything, you said. Do your research. Look at what the people around them say. Look at their history. Remember when you used to quote Reagan’s line to me, “Trust, but verify”? I’ve been lucky enough to make a few trips to Washington the last few years. I’ve sat across from Senators and Congressmen. I’ve talked to generals who have briefed the president, and business leaders who worked with him before the election. This is a guy who doesn’t read, they said, a guy with the attention span of a child. Everybody avoided doing business with him. Because he didn’t listen, because he stiffed people on bills, because he was clueless. He treated women horribly. He’s awful, they said. I thought this was a particularly damning line: If Donald Trump were even half-competent, one elected official told me, he could probably rule this country for 20 years. I have trouble figuring what’s worse — that he wants to, or that he wants to but isn’t competent enough to pull it off. Instead, Washington is so broken and so filled with cowards that Trump just spent the last four years breaking stuff and embarrassing himself. I learned from you how to recognize a dangerous or unreliable person. If you don’t trust the news, could you trust what I’m bringing you, right from the source? Let’s trust our gut, not our political sensibility. Based on what I’ve told you, and what you’ve seen: Would you let him manage your money? Would you want your wife or daughter to work for him without supervision? I’m not even sure I would stay in one of his hotels, after what I’ve read. Watching the RNC a few weeks ago, I wondered what planet I was on. What’s with all the yelling? How is this happening on the White House lawn? Why are his loser kids on the bill? His kid’s girlfriend??? And what is this picture of America they are painting? They are the ones in charge! Yet they choose to campaign against the dystopian nightmare that is 2020… which is to say, they are campaigning against themselves. Look, I agree there is crazy stuff happening in the world. The civil unrest is palpable, violence is on the rise, and Americans have never been so openly divided. Sure, rioting and looting are bad. But who is to blame for all the chaos? The President. Remember what you told me about the sign on Truman’s desk? The buck stops here. (May we contrast that with: “I don’t take responsibility at all.”) In any case, what some crazy people in Portland are doing is not ours to repeatedly disavow. What the president does? The citizens are complicit in that. Especially if we endorse it at the ballot box come November 3rd. Besides, what credibility do we have to insist on the ‘rule of law’ when eight of the president’s associates have faced criminal charges? His former lawyer went to jail, too! And then the president commutes their sentences, dangles pardons to keep them quiet, or tries to prevent them from cooperating with authorities? When he’s fined millions of dollars for illegally using his charity as a slush fund? When he cheats on his taxes? When he helped his parents avoid taxes, too? I remember you once told me the story of a police officer in your department who was caught filling up his personal car with gas paid for by the city. The problem, you said, wasn’t just the mistake. It was that when he was confronted by it, he lied. But the cameras showed the proof and so he was fired, for being untrustworthy most of all. Would you fire Trump if he worked for you? What kind of culture do you think your work would have had if the boss acted like Trump? As for the lying, that’s the craziest part, because we can, as the kids say, check the receipts: Was it bad enough to call John McCain a loser? Yes, but then, of course, Trump lied and claimed he didn’t. Bad enough to cheat on his wife? Yes, but of course, he lied about it, and committed crimes covering it up (which he also lied about). Was it bad enough to solicit help from Russia and Wikileaks in the election? Yes, but then he, his son, and his campaign have lied about it so many times, in so many forums, that some of them went to jail over it. Was it stupid that, in February, Trump was tweeting about how Covid-29 was like the flu and that we didn’t need to worry? Yes, but it takes on a different color when you listen to him tell Bob Woodward that in January he knew how bad it was, how much worse it was than even the worst flu, and that he was deliberately going to downplay the virus for political purposes. I’m sure we could quibble over some, but The Fact Checker database currently tallys over 20,000 lies since he took office. Even if we cut it in half, that’s insane! It’s impossible to deny: Trump lied, and Americans have died because of it. A friend of mine had a one-on-one dinner with Trump at the White House a while back. It was actually amazing, he said. Half the evening was spent telling lies about the size of his inaugural address. This was in private — not even for public relations purposes, and years after the controversy had died down. That’s when he realized: The lying is pathological. It can’t be helped. Which is to say, it makes a person unfit to lead. Politics should not come before family. I don’t want you to think this affects how I feel about you. But it does make it harder for us to spend time together — not just literally so, since Trump’s bumbling response to the pandemic has crippled America and made travel difficult. It’s that I feel grief. I feel real grief — were the lessons you taught me as a kid not true? Did you not mean them? Was it self-serving stuff to make sure I behaved? Was I a fool for listening? Or is it worse, that my own father cares more about his retirement accounts — and I’ll grant, the runup of the market has been nice for me, too — than the future he is leaving for his children? Are you so afraid of change, of that liberal boogeyman Limbaugh and Hannity and these other folks have concocted, that you’d rather entrust the country to a degenerate carnival barker than anyone else? I see all this anger, what is it that you’re so angry about? You’ve won. Society has worked for you. My own success is proof. So what is it? Because it can’t possibly be that you think this guy is trustworthy, decent, or kind. It’s definitely not about his policies… because almost every single one is anathema to what Republicans — and you — have talked about my entire life. The one thing I hold onto is hope. I believe in America. I believe in the goodness of hardworking people like you and Mom. I know that this is not what you wanted to happen, that this is not the America you grew up in nor the one you would like for me and my kids to grow up in. I hold onto hope that you’re tired enough to draw the line. That you are not irredeemable as that Trump advisor allowed himself to become. The right thing is always the right thing, you’ve said. Even when it’s hard. Even when it goes against what your friends think, or what you’ve done in the past. The right thing is obviously to end this. To cancel this horrendous experiment with its cavalcade of daily horrors and vulgarities and stupidities and historical humiliations. America is a great nation. …

[minimrmn]

I have been incredibly blessed throughout my entire life because of one man putting the needs of his wife above his own career.

My grandmother had what at the time (mental health diagnoses being what they were back then) was considered a type of schizophrenia. It was always there but only "flared up" during periods of extreme stress - which they discovered after the first time she miscarried. My grandfather quit his job on track to reach management/executive, moved his family to her home town, took a job as a custodian at the school his kids would attend, and told NO ONE (with very few exceptions) about his wife's condition because he knew the stigma around mental health. Even my father & his siblings didn't know until long after they were all adults, and even then only because there were health challenges that caused another flare up.

My dad grew up in a home where my grandma lived her dreams unfettered by stress because my grandfather made it his life's work to prevent her from having another attack. She played & taught piano, sang with her children, and was ADORED by her friends and family because when the mental illness was kept in check she was seriously the most sweet and loving person to walk this earth. Her children only knew she took medicine "to help her sleep".

My grandfather was the reason my dad grew up thinking it was normal for a man to never so much as raise his voice to his wife in frustration or anger... All while thinking his own father was a loving but not ambitious janitor. They found out 30+ years later that he had been turning down callings at church which would have taken him away from home, refused to take jobs that would put more stress on his wife, and sacrificed (happily) his own career to make sure his wife was safe & able to live her best life. Even in death, they were not separated for long and the way my grandmother told her kids she knew it was time was to tell them she "was going to be with Curtis again soon". Do any guys out there honestly believe you'll get a happier ending to their story by holding women back?

My grandparents were proof that being old doesn't excuse toxic behavior. They both welcomed anyone into their family, especially my grandma who wanted everyone to feel loved. My adopted brother joined our family in his teens and was probably (understandably) a little nervous about meeting the white, small town Utah grandparents - but he was immediately "one of her grandkids". The same was true of their LGBT grandkids (or pseudo grandkids, but that's a longer story lol). I don't know if it was because of her miscarriages, but they LOVED their family and anyone was welcome to join it. The legacy of that kind of love will echo into eternity, infinite & incalculable. And THAT, my dudes, is real power.

TLDR - My advice to my fellow men: don't be intimidated into dulling the shine of the women in your life. I don't think there's a single member of my family on my dad's side who doesn't at least get choked up thinking about the enormous debt of gratitude we owe to my Grandpa D. I could not have asked for a better namesake & have so many questions that I can't wait to ask him.

The stories of women in my family who were forced into lives they didn’t want and didn’t utilize their passions breaks my heart. My grandma wanted to be a journalist and write about the injustices she saw inflicted on disabled ppl while she was volunteering at a state run institution as a teen. Her father decided that she was “too fat and stupid” for college and forced her to get married at 17 or else he’d make her homeless. As a kid she told me that she wished people believed that she had meaningful opinions on events around her. One of my great grandmothers wanted to be an artist but was pressured into marrying a man who beat her. She stayed up late each night when her children were in bed writing poetry and pasting it over elaborate collages she mad herself. We still have stacks of these notebooks she created but was never allowed to do anything with. My mother wanted to be an operatic singer and was considered a musical prodigy in her town because she taught herself three seperate instruments by 13. When she was 18 she met my then 30 year old father who emotionally manipulated her into giving up her dreams to start a family with him. As a kid I would hear her up at night playing the violin or doing vocal exercises until she became too depressed to practice anymore. Like idk y’all there’s a quiet type of violence in the way women’s talents are devalued and brushed aside in favor of bullying them into “traditional” roles that ultimately don’t fulfill what they wanted for their lives. We’ve lost so much art, music, writing, science, and happiness to misogyny.

[officertbansk-blog]

It might just be tonight, but life’s fucking sad. I put myself out there to try and make people laugh and have a good time when in reality Im pretty empty inside.I can’t for the life of me figure out what I want to do for the next 25-35 years of my life. Im not even 25 years old, and I have to figure that out. I can tolerate jobs here or there but Im terrified to commit to something for that long to find out I hate it and must suffer for the rest of the time I’m there. I’m terrified of that shit. 

I feel like this is just a culmination of 20+ years of misplaced trauma and emotional despair catching up to me. I dont know how to cry, i force myself not to. Watched my one grandfather take his final breathes in his hospital bed and nothing. Forced myself not to cry at my other grandpas funeral, i wanted to so bad, something just told me i couldn’t. The last time i genuinely cried and let it all out was 2016 when my ex dumped me. Other than that I may have forced myself to cry once or twice just to feel better. I just cant do it and it bothers me that i cant

most of my problems stem from my father. the typical manly man, no crying, no emotions of any kind. Every family party, the guys just bag on each other, thats their idea of fun. and growing up around it, it is fun, i just wish sometimes it wasn’t like that. I wish sometimes i grew up with a dad that told me its ok to cry and not made fun of me for it. 

As I grow older i realize the stuff my dad did for me wasn’t because he hated me but because he loves me and wants the best from me. but most of the time it feels like ill never get there unless i do exactly what he wants, and thats so overwhelming man. I feel like with him, i can do absolutely nothing right. Even when i do what he says, he always finds something else to yell at me about. its hardly ever something encouraging that he has to say about anything i do. which is sometimes necessary sure but sometimes it would be nice to hear something positive

when i got kicked out and lived with my buddy cris, it was fantastic, he wouldnt yell or be as mad at me because he couldnt see what i did or didnt do around the house, or whatever he would typically ask of me. ever since ive had to move back in i have nonstop wanted to move back out, but none of my friends are ready for that step so im just stuck here, living in this somewhat toxic house that is slowly bringing me back into a depression im worried.   

about two years ago i started seeing a therapist and only went a couple times because i forgot to reschedule a session and just never remembered to go back. anyway, she began to piece together that i may have an attention deficit disorder which essentially makes my brain think faster than its capable of which often leads to me forgetting, or me choosing to play video games instead of focusing on doing homework. i get easily distracted. well i was afraid to tell my dad cause i knew what he would say. “no you dont” like this dude actually said i didnt even though my therapist told me i did, he said how do you forget everything so easily, its just an excuse to be lazy. I wouldnt call myself lazy, i do whatever he asks me to do, i do what i have to do with work, whatever, sometimes i just forget about tasks and do something else. i was also afraid to tell him i didnt believe in his god (or anyones for that matter) because i knew how hed react and i was right, every once and a while he makes me feel bad for not believing. im glad its finally out there but at the same time i wish it wasnt. it just feels bad knowing he makes me feel bad for not being his perfect son. 

I feel like my ADD has a part in my brain being all screwy in general. to deal with some of my anger, or frustration or emotional baggage i guess, i would be overly sexual, and essentially i was, and maybe still am, somewhat of a fuckboy, and to everybody, im sorry. Im not perfect, i chose to cope with shit in an unhealthy way and ruined plenty of relationships, friendships and everything else with being overly sexual. 

those of you who have stuck by my side while i continue to grow and learn i appreciate every one of you, i have done a lot of you wrong and dirty and it means alot that all of you have forgiven me and haven’t left my side. I know im a lot to handle. 

if you made it this far, thanks for reading a very LITTLE part of my story of why i am the way i am, id be more than happy to write about more, but i figure id stop here considering ive already revealed a lot to the entire internet. 

[notallpotatoesarefrenchfries]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @yoshifics, which was a nice surprise!!!

Tagging: I won't specifically tag anyone because this one is a doozy, but I implore you to try and do it if you want to do it!!!

On to the show

the last …


1. drink: diet mountain dew ((my mom is addicted and well...the apple doesn’t fall far))

2. phone call: most phone calls are forced upon me, but the last one was my mom telling me to take another important phone call i was unwilling to pick up

3. text message: my friend Sarah

4. song you listened to: Not about Angels by Birdy

5. time you cried: uhhh. I know it was recent but I don’t know specifically what day. I really cry for no reason sometimes idk. 

6. dated someone twice: I’ve never dated, and I don’t think I'm willing to start either at this point in my life

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed

8. been cheated on: never dated

9. lost someone special: My grandpa and friendships that never worked out.

10. been depressed: I’m not diagnosed because I don’t talk about my issues to a very extreme degree, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been depressed.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never had a drink of alcohol

favorite colors

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Black

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yasssss! Every new friend I’ve made has been a blessing! I’m looking at you, mutuals!!!

16. fallen out of love: Never been in love 

17. laughed until you cried: yes, it is a beautiful thing to experience. 

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah

19. met someone who changed you: Again, looking at you mutuals

20. found out who your friends are: I found out that a friendship I'm in is toxic, but I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break it off yet. Other than that, nah. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: never been kissed

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: uhhhh. I don’t really get on my Facebook so I don’t know how accurate this statement is, but I’ll say yes!

23. do you have any pets: My family has a miniature dachshund. And my sister has two king charles spaniels so I count them too since she is over all the time. When I am old enough and living alone (( I don’t think I’ll have met someone/ect by this point but we’ll see where God takes me)) I want a king charles spaniel((they were breed for cuddling)) and maybe a black cat but I’ll have to think about that one since I’m allergic. 

24. do you want to change your name: I like other names but I’d never change my own. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: My last birthday was Fathers Day so it was really just whatever he wanted to do. I’ve not really done anything for my own in awhile. Bright side is that I told my Dad I’m his biggest dad joke. 

26. what time did you wake up: 10 because I’m being lazy as much as possible before that turns into 5 for swimming.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: well I was talking with my friend, pattonpending. If the deer thing had happened to thomas I was off making puns on his twitter posts. 

28. name something you can’t wait for: Is it sad that I can’t think of something. Maybe going back to school so I can see my non-pocket buddies. 

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Today

31. what are you listening to right now: Somebody That I Used to Know cover by Christina Grimmie

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes. My ((evil)) high school swim coach was named Tom and some guy at my campus is named Tom and although I’ve talked to him, its really just saying hi to him. At my campus, everyone greets everyone. Its a very social atmosphere which is good for when Ive got a full introvert battery and want to talk. 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: Myself 24/7. I really need to treat myself with more kindness.

34. most visited website: I don’t think there is ONE website I visit the most. It really depends on the day.

35. hair colour: Dark Brown ((It has red in it but you can’t see it))

36. long or short hair: Long. I’ve not had a haircut in awhile.

37. do you have a crush on someone: does a friendship one count? Like I really value our friendship/ want to be your friend. I don’t have any romantic ones and don’t think I ever have

38. what do you like about yourself: well I can draw, and people say my mannerisms are cute, Im tall(6 ft), I have a gold ring around the middle of my eye, and I give good hugs :)

39. piercings: none at all

40. blood type: no idea

41. nickname: Tator tot, Tay, Tay-Tay

42. relationship status: single wondering if I really want to mingle or if I just want cuddles.

43. zodiac: Gemini

44. pronouns: She/Her 

45. favourite tv show: So many ugh. I’ll give a few: Merlin, Doctor Who, Hetalia, Star Trek ((DS9 is my fav)), Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and Parks and Rec

46. tattoos: Im too indecisive to choose, but no. 

47. right or left handed: Right-handed.

48. surgery: nope

49. piercing: none

50. sport: I’m a swimmer and I swim the mile((1650 yards)). It takes around 20 minutes to finish it. 

51. vacation: I went to Germany and Poland in May. It wasn’t to visit happy locations, but I really wanted to visit Germany in any way. I took German years ago, and love the culture. I am sad to say I’ve lost a lot of it which is why I follow some German blogs on here.

52. pair of trainers: ((Tennis shoes?)) Yes. The sport of swimming doesn’t let you get away with one type of training. We do land training ((we call it dryland)). So, I have a pair for that

more general

53. eating: Nothing yet today. Pasta is my fav food.

54. drinking: usually diet dew. During the school year coffee is a sunday thing and I drink lemonade instead of soda. 

55. i’m about to: Eat.

56. waiting for: nothing atm

57. want: Uhmm. I want to be hugged by someone taller and stronger. I was so touch starved going into college I actually prayed to Jesus to give me someone who will give lots of hugs ((thats a little sad looking back)). I just wanted the kind of hugs that dean would give cas or the one hug merlin got when he was found coming out of a bog. I found someone who gives hugs, but not the hug where you feel protected and engulfed in. Im usually the one giving that.

58. get married: My idea of any sort of romance is like the New Girl situation where you have someone who totally understands you and all your quirks but still loves you. Not really looking for anything sexual, just cuddly. 

59. career: looking to be an art teacher.

60. hugs or kisses: Hugs!! Idk anything about giving/ receiving kisses sooo...

61. lips or eyes: uh....

62. shorter or taller: I don't mind either (( are we talking about friends or...?))

63. older or younger. I dont mind either

64. nice arms or nice stomach: People usually use me as the shoulder stomach thing so idk. I really do want to be in the other role at some point. 

65. hook up or relationship: Relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. Last time someone asked me out I panicked so hard I cried. 

67. kissed a stranger: Nope.

68. drank hard liquor: never

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes. When you lose a contact lense, they go off into the void to be lost forever.

70. turned someone down: yes ((see 66))

71. sex on the first date: Never had sex and never dated

72. broken someone’s heart: Not that I know of

73. had your heart broken: nah

74. been arrested: Listen buddy if I am like that spongebob moment where he’s crying and saying I'm a good noodle. So getting arrested is hardcore not something I plan on doing.

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in …

77. yourself: no but I am trying to work on that

78. miracles: yes

79. love at first sight: yes

80. santa claus: nope

81. kiss on the first date: idk

82. angels: yes

other

83. current best friend’s name: I can’t choose. 

84. eye colour: Blue/green ((it varies)) with a gold ring around the middle

85. favourite movie: I can’t choose. I have such a soft spot for Rise of the Gaurdians though. 

Thanks for tagging me @yoshifics! This was long and hopefully I overshared something about myself to the internet! Be kind to yourselves!!!