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dryad-of-the-dogwood · 11 months

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Fanfic Masterlist

I write under the pseudonym Disenchantress on AO3, and I'll always accept prompts for any of my main fandoms as long as the prompt doesn't include a personal squick (mainly SA/dubcon - I don't mind references to past SA handled properly, but I will not write actual SA for my own mental health).

List is only for fandoms I actually still engage with, but there are a few others on AO3 if you're curious.

Dragon Age

A Thread of Fate

Rating: M

Pairing: Alistair x non-Warden f!Cousland

Chapters: 36 (ongoing)

POV: First-person, alternating between Alistair and Cousland

TW/CW: C-PTSD symptoms, panic attacks, dissociation, night terrors, survivor's guilt, assassination, canon-typical violence, sexual content (not exactly smut, I watered it down... okay it's still smut)

Summary: Post-Blight quasi-AU, wherein Alistair was made king by a Warden who died killing the Archdemon and an arranged marriage is proposed between him and Nalissa Cousland, who only survived the fall of Castle Cousland by turning all of her grief into rage. After being captured and tortured in Fort Drakon under Howe's aim of legitimizing his claim to Highever, she trusts no one, especially strange noblemen bearing contracts of marriage. Alistair badly wants to unravel the secrets that are still haunting her, but some of them aren't done trying to kill her yet...

Until the End

Rating: M

Pairing: Alistair x f!Cousland

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Alistair focused

TW/CW: Heavy angst, the Calling, canon-typical violence, major character deaths

Summary: Nalissa Cousland searched for years for a cure to the Calling, but every effort left her only with empty hands and diminished hope. Twenty-two years after she became a Warden, she awakens in the palace in Denerim with the song in her ears. After everything they've been through together, Alistair will not let her go into the Deep Roads alone.

Once My Knight

Rating: T

Pairing: Ser Gilmore x f!Cousland

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Gilmore and Cousland focused

TW/CW: Angst, major character death

Summary: Backstory on Nalissa Cousland's origin, her first love with one of the knights she grew up beside, and the multiple ways it broke her heart.

Through Fog and Misted Glass

Rating: T

Pairing: Tamlen x f!Mahariel

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Tamlen focused

TW/CW: Non-specific references to noncon/rape, major character death

Summary: For Tamlen's entire life, he loved Lurai Mahariel. He swore to protect her from anyone that would dare to hurt her, but the corruption of the darkspawn taint twists his final act into him being the one trying to kill her.

From the Outside

Rating: T

Pairing: Alistair x f!Surana

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: First-person, alternating between Alistair and Surana

TW/CW: Heavy angst, suicidal thoughts

Summary: Naeva Surana chose to support Alistair at the landsmeet ten years ago, and for ten years she's regretted it. Alistair, being the one to have burst in and told her that meant they couldn't be together, has only regretted it more. When the Calling begins to affect the entire order, they finally realize there are things that can't be left unsaid, even if it's just in a couple of letters.

Dear Fenris

Rating: M

Pairing: Fenris x f!Hawke

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Fenris focused

TW/CW: Heavy angst, major character death

Summary: After the events of Here Lies the Abyss, Fenris receives a raven from the Inquisition. The letter is not from Miranda Hawke, but from Varric, and Fenris might have preferred a blade in the heart instead.

To Mend What's Broken

Rating: T

Pairings: Fenris x f!Hawke, Anders x f!Hawke

Chapters: 2 (complete)

POV: First-person, alternating between Anders and Fenris

TW/CW: Canon-typical Anders and Fenris biases, angst

Summary: A short analysis of what went through Fenris's and Anders's heads when Miranda Hawke seeks comfort with Anders after Fenris breaks her heart, and then once more when Anders does the same during The Last Straw.

Starfield

Edge of Infinity

Rating: M

Pairings: Anders x f!Hawke, Fenris x f!Hawke

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Hawke focused

TW/CW: Heavy angst, major character death

Summary: Hawke thought she knew Anders until the moment he destroyed Kirkwall's chantry and everyone inside. And the more she listens to his confession, the more she realizes she knew only him, not the consciousness he's become together with Justice. This last betrayal might be the one that breaks her, because she knows she can't let him go to do the same again.

The Legend of Dragoon

The Grav Jump Tango

Rating: M

Pairing: Sam Coe x f!Spacefarer

Chapters: 10 (ongoing)

POV: Third-person, Sam focused

Summary: The newest member of Constellation, Cassandra Warrick, seems to only ever drop her serious, mission-focused facade when it comes to charming enemies into submission or would-be-friends into staying a safe distance away. Sam tries to both understand her and whether the flirtatious way she tries to throw him off means anything deeper.

The Price of Valor

Rating: T

Pairing: Rose x Zieg Feld (past)

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Rose focused

Summary: Ten years after the battle at Kadessa, Rose revisits Gloriano in an effort to convince herself that everything was worth it. There she encounters memories she spent a decade trying to forget and realizes the full weight of fighting alone for eternity.

Rose's Song

Rating: T

Pairing: Rose x Zieg Feld (past)

Chapters: 1 (complete)

POV: Third-person, Rose and Dart focused

Summary: Upon reaching Vellweb, Rose separates herself from the group to visit the towers of the seven Dragoons. Surrounded by the ruins of a life that's no longer hers, a song drifts into her memory and off her lips.

#writing #my writing #fanfic #fanfiction #ao3 #archive of our own #dragon age #starfield #legend of dragoon #fic masterlist

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toothlesshat · 2 years

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**Incoming rant warning**

HELLO FRIEND I AM HERE TO DISCUSS OF DONNIES AND DONATELLOS.

First of all, I know you said you were struggling with it but I think you did a good job with it. You still managed to wrap everything up in a way that (if you wanted to you) there could be another part to it or it could simply be the end. There was nothing left unsaid and I think both Donnie and Donatello managed to get the closure that they both needed at the end.

SPEAKING OF - that scene with Leonardo and Donatello, oh my gooooooodness. I was so close to crying over it. Just how Leonardo finally is able to recognize that what is needed is for him to be a brother and not a leader. It made me so emotional, I think that was my favorite scene in this whole chapter. And when they hug and Leonardo goes "we're going to be okay" emphasis on the WE'RE. I like to think that its not only their relationship he is including in that but also Raph and Mikey, like "we're going to be okay" as in all four of us as brothers and as a family because Leonardo understands now and has grown so much in the time they've been there. UGH ITS SUCH GOOD WRITING.

Back to the Rise boys now, I wanted to say I think you did a good job writing Donnie's thought process as a character. I don't think he's the easiest to write but I do think you nailed it well. The whole how he's focused on this one thing and can't see how his brothers don't understand why its a big deal. And the emphasis on "Donnie's younger brother" because (and I know some people believe that Donnie is older than Leo, i dunno why but you do you homie) Mikey is the only younger brother Donnie has. Its not like Leo who has two or Raph with three. And Donnie takes it so SERIOUSLY too. I love it so much. Then Donnie's guilt of feeling like he didn't do enough during the invasion. AND THE CLOSURE OF THEM ALL COMING TOGETHER AND UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER WAS GOOD. I also love the part where Donnie goes over his relationship with Donatello and realizes "oh shit, i think we are friends" despite both of them trying so hard not to be on some level they kinda accidentally made a friendship.

And the appearance of Raphael and Michelangelo trying to back up their brother WAS SO GOOD. I love that they were trying to help him out in their own way even if it was such a small part of the chapter.

Honestly it was a very good wrap up, I understand it was difficult for you to write but if you did want to continue it I think you totally could. Cause after all they are still stuck in the Rise dimension. But if you don't want to that is also fine because it is your work and you can do with it what you please. Maybe you'll even come back to it at some point, who knows! But thank you for writing it! I had so much fun reading it and see how the characters interacted with each other was such a treat! :)

Ahhh thank you so much anon!! Yeah, I can’t lie this fic was really difficult to finish. I’m honestly a little surprised I managed because it was such a daunting task at some point, but I’m glad I did and I’m glad you enjoyed it!!

The scene between Leonardo and Donatello is probably my favorite in the whole story. I was originally going to put this in the notes (and forgot to lmao) but I always intended for the last chapter to be a wrap up of Leonardo’s arc as well. I felt like it was kind of incomplete since a lot of his growth has to do with the way he treats his siblings, so to truly finish his story, I had to have him reconcile with the character I feel like he had the most unresolved tension with (you can argue that should be Raphael, but they have a lot of episodes/scenes dedicated to working out their issues, whereas Donatello and Leonardo have… very little and a LOT of arguments). So that scene, while also being good for Donatello, was my favorite because I got to finish up with Leonardo, who is my favorite character overall.

And yes, when he says “we’re going to be okay” he means the whole family :)

AND YEAH YOU UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS GOING FOR WITH THE “oh shit oh fuck we are friends. I do care about him. Damnit.” That’s the dynamic I wanted so badly in the end because I think it’s sooo funny. And yeah, Donnie is not easy to write, but damn did I love laying out that scene with him and his brothers. I almost wish it was a scene in a separate fic because I liked it so much, but I’m also happy it can go into this series I spend a lot of time on. Their closure was very satisfying to write, I think.

Unfortunately, I can’t promise when another part will come. I won’t say I’m abandoning the series because who knows what’ll happen! Mutant Mayhem hasn’t come out yet and my inspiration could really spike when it does, or I might get a random urge to continue. Idk yet! But I’m taking a break from the series for sure. I have other stuff I want to write and dedicate time to, but I’m still thrilled you enjoyed the fic and want to see more. Seriously, thank you for reading and taking the time to send this ask <3

#emmie speaks #anon #rottmnt #tmnt 2012 #of donnies and donatellos #of leos and leonardos

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wild-karrde · 1 year

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Recommendations for next week, in a drive to find gen fics that have not been recommended before and that are older. With summaries and links to fics included:

and our orders, SophieTheJediKnight / https://archiveofourown.org/works/32102056

It didn’t matter, once, what anyone thought of them, or what the galaxy that made them for death had planned. Because they were one unit, one team, one batch that stood on their own.

And they were soldiers. They were made for one purpose, and they had that purpose and they had each other and nothing else mattered.

But then they broke away, without him.

CT-9904 and the Thing, Galactic_Boyfriend / https://archiveofourown.org/series/2410114

CT-9904 appears in a new place. It's clear who is supposed to be in charge. CT-9904 has something called Crosshair somewhere inside of him. It's annoying. CT-9904 is distracted on Bracca and gets an Ion engine to the face. And he knows exactly who to blame.

catching our breaths, delightwrites / https://archiveofourown.org/works/32025880/chapters/79328197

"Wrecker isn't waking up. Tech doesn't know what to do. Well, waiting is the only option they've got for now, but sitting back and waiting has never particularly worked for him."

tech is trying to process what happened. he's also overthinking. a lot. luckily his brothers are there for him.

Order, Disorder, Reorder, GriffinStone / https://archiveofourown.org/works/39310173/chapters/98371800

After his capture on Daro, Hunter wakes up on Kamino, in the Batch's old room. His only company is Crosshair, who acts as though Order 66 never happened and claims Omega was just a random girl on their last mission. Injured and drugged, Hunter struggles to remember what's real and what's fake. (AU to ep. 15)

Unspoken Words, Anonymous / https://archiveofourown.org/works/33243571

At this point blank range, the slightest pull of the trigger would kill him instantly. And he knows this, knows he should be focusing on how to disarm him, create an opening and take advantage of it to escape. And yet, and yet...

His thoughts stray, to a different time, when he had held those same hands steady, after his brother had returned to the barracks from a bad practice, not a word exchanged between them—never a word, because nothing needed to be said, all the unsaid things were understood anyway.

The line between past and present blurs, the memory of those moments, his brother’s shaken expression, extrapolated onto that blank helmet, he finds he cannot unsee it. (What expression did he wear when we left him behind? What expression is he wearing now?)

cold hands warm heart, always_a_slut_for_hc / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34372906

Tech unsuccessfully tries to fix a ship. His brothers successfully get him to join the cuddle pile.

Beat The Odds, WinterSky101 / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34409176

The Bad Batch has a 100% success rate. As far as Echo can tell, they also have a 100% injury rate. Honestly, he’s not sure what else he expected from the four most reckless clones he’d ever met.

Or, four times a member of the Bad Batch got hurt on a mission, and one time Echo finally snapped.

Tech's Bet, Dinogirl123 / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34541914/chapters/85979503

Cid realizes that Tech is pretty strong. After the recent success of betting on Omega's Dejarik games, Cid plans to use Tech to trick people into gambling against him in arm wrestling matches.

Unshaken, wwheeljack / https://archiveofourown.org/works/31375115/chapters/77587364

Before he was Tech, he was CT-33-7641. Different from the other clone cadets. Wrong. Abnormal. Strange. He was enhanced with superior intelligence and memory, but he looked nothing like his brethren. He stood out in a world where all he wanted to do was blend in, but his brethren would never let him. And the Kaminoans were there, watching their experiment, their failure, coldly.

Bite Worse Than Its Bark, RovingRanger / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34773760

It came at him again, all teeth and claw, and Crosshair dodged to the side. It followed, readjusting easily, and collided with him. Clawed hands came down on his shoulders, momentum carrying them both to the floor. A back foot planted itself on his shin, pinning his leg down. Claw tips dug into his skin, but Crosshair ignored it for the moment. He was too busy pushing against the thing’s chest and neck, trying to keep the gnashing teeth away from his throat.

Scar Stories, Cloudburst9243 / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34940167

!! SPOILERS !!

Injuries may heal, but scars are eternal.

Technical Expertise, electro_echoes / https://archiveofourown.org/works/35710876

Echo has headaches. Tech has solutions. (Or: how Echo got his new cybernetic headpiece.)

and found (soft), patchmates / https://archiveofourown.org/works/34375168

Hunter turns to follow Omega up the ramp of the Havoc Marauder to get off this kriffing planet and never come back but Crosshair is still standing there. Maybe the Kaminoans put something in his head too—something that makes him turn around and hesitate.

He’s not going to ignore it this time.

Alternate ending to S1.

HOLY HELL IN A HANDBASKET, BATMAN, THIS IS ONE MASSIVE LIST. It's got a little bit of everything: whump, angst, fun, reconciliation, and SO MUCH MORE!! Tagging the blogs I could find on Tumblr that are included: @dinogirl123 @wwheeljack @patchmates

THANK YOU FOR THE RECS!

Participate in Fandom Friday to show your favorite creators from this week some love! :)

#FANDOM FRIDAY #creator appreciation #fic rec #fanfiction #fan fic #star wars #the bad batch #tbb #echo #tech #hunter #wrecker #crosshair #omega #found family #angst #hurt/comfort #whump #fluff

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tothedarkdarkseas · 2 years

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11-12?

11. Do either try to hide their emotions if upset? Can the other still tell?

I know a lot of my answers have the general air of "Yes and no," but I think Stu and Murdoc really are an interesting study in being a closed and open book at once. I don't think they pull many punches with the other, and I don't think either strive to give an impression of stoicism; Stu wears his heart on his sleeve and often in the worst way, increasingly allowing his ugliness to show itself with Murdoc and fostering unexplored ugliness that Murdoc mirrors and encourages, until Murdoc becomes a receptacle for that ugliness in a certain way. Murdoc for his part has no shame and no filter, his crudeness and prodding tolerated as harmless, but when pushed past a line-- and it can be difficult to tell where that line is-- his instinct for animal damage and a surgical gift for cruelty come to the forefront. Again, hard to call either a closed book. At the same time, there's also obviously a lot that goes unsaid between them, and not always because it "goes without"; they are nowhere near a healthy enough couple to believe that, because they're not healthy enough to believe themselves a couple at all. There are decades behind them and canyons between them, neither made better by the avoidance.

All of that being said, I think they do more hiding when facing away from each other. They hide the least of themselves together, and that isn't always to their benefit. They may say everything but what they mean, but I don't think it's ever truly absent from the fight. For better or worse, they know each other, and they know that cuts both ways.

12. Do they have many heated arguments? How do they smooth things over?

It's nice that they included at least one believable Studoc hobby on the list! Yes, absolutely. Arguments comprise a good 60-75% of their conversations, and they can't all be petty, can't all be results of repression or denial, can't all be a joke to one party (guess which.) Some genuinely have no resolution; they are left with the things they've done, and the people they are. But I suppose this isn't supposed to be about fighting itself, rather, the aftermath.

It depends on the subject of the argument, but I am obligated to give the crude answer: there is a very direct connection between fighting and sex for these two, whether or not that solves the issue or just creates another. It's a workable distraction for a time. If Murdoc's the one less irate at Stu, as would usually be the case, he may eventually back off of his needling once he's gotten the responses he wanted and switch to a more flattering sort of banter. He'll always say he's just taking the piss regardless, but if Stu doesn't flat-out refuse to play and fuck off, it is possible to pivot into something less dire; he's still insulting Murdoc, but the hard edges have worn off. A sharing of substances can never hurt (except when it does.)

For the most part, if things are truly heated, the two just need time to swim to their own sides of the fishbowl. It may take hours, a day, the better part of a week. They'll inevitably circle back.

#ask gamez

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creetchure · 2 years

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dont hold your breath

day one of @themerrywhumpofmay

cws : whipping, restraints, ptsd, defiant whumpee

Phil’s never done well with rope, so maybe he should be grateful they bound him in leather instead.

His wrists have been pulled together so tight he can't feel his fingertips anymore, the tingling gone for a good hour now. It's kind of worrying, but so is everything else about this, so he puts it in the background for the moment. He'll get blood flowing back in later.

They've left him alone for now.

He'd have expected them to start as soon as they got him in this damp fucking room, but no. either they have plans that don't include trying to get Techno's whereabouts, or they want something else, and he's not sure what.

Techno and him have a plan worked out for situations like these anyways. They'd always talk, always tell on each other, as long as they knew their opponents wouldn't be more than men. Armies were something else.

There had only been three of them, getting Phil by surprise, so he feels like he's pretty free to just give them what they want.

Phil leans back.

The chair is cold metal against his bare back. There are worse situations to be in, he tells himself, the last time this happened his back had been filled with splinters when Techno had gotten him back. That had *not* been a fun time for either of them back home, buckling every single one out before Phil could even think of getting his wings out again.

They're firmly in his back, a mere tattoo, black against pale skin. It's uncomfortable, but it gives them less skin to grip.

The door opens and Phil pointedly does not jump. “Hey mate, how's it going?” he asks.

The man doesn't answer.

He's holding something, and Phil's blood freezes in his veins when his eyes slide down to it.

Fuck.

That's far from ideal.

The man's hand slide to the handle.

Fuck fuck fuck he can't do this, not again.

He can handle punches, he can handle getting waterboarded, he can handle anything, but the mere sight of the whip makes a keen build up in his chest. He squirms away in his restraints, pushing himself the tiniest bit further from it.

The man chuckles. “They told us you wouldn't like that, but I didn't expect it to work that well.”

Phil bares his teeth at him. “Fuck off.” His past is his own. There are scars that run deep under his tattooed back and they're all things better left unsaid. “I'll give you what you want.” He doesn't try to keep up the pretence, that's only fun if he keeps the upper hand.

“Oh? What's that?” he asks, turning the chair around roughly.

Phil loses his balance, biting his tongue hard when he does. “You want to know where Techno is. I'll tell you. He'll kill you for taking me.”

He hums. “Tell me then.”

He starts slowly unrolling the whip and Phil is like transfixed. He can't tear his eyes away from it, no matter how much it makes him want to throw up. He can't almost hear the cracks, can almost feel it burn on his back already, splitting skin and digging deep where his wings sat.

Phil swallows. His chest is way too tight. He can't look away. “He's in Business Bay. Settling a deal. Cant tell you exactly where he sleeps, but it’ll be near the town centre.”

“Is that so?”

“It is,” Phil says, glaring. “Go after him. See how you like it.”

He hums again.

Then the chair is overturns and Phil's face is on the ground.

It's wet. There's mud in his mouth and Phil can't even spit it out. He can only roll to the side with the way his hands are tied, which isn't the most useful.

The man puts his foot on his neck and Phil stops breathing.

“Don't hold your breath. You know what's coming.”

Phil does. He did the moment the man came in, but he gave him what he wanted. “I gave you what you wanted.”

The man tuts. “You gave me what you *thought* I wanted. You were wrong.”

There's a crack and Phil closes his eyes, the smallest chirp escaping his lips. He can do this. He can keep himself together, he can. The man won't get to hurt him that way. He won't.

“What do you want?” he asks through gritted teeth, the words painful to say.

“I want to make you bleed,” the man says lightly. “I want Technoblade to be angry, and you seem to be the best way for me to get that.”

Phil laughs. “You want Techno angry? That's a death certificate, *mate*.”

He hums. “He'll be distracted. He can't really focus on someone going after him if he's looking after *you*, can he? Half feral best friend, cant pull himself out of memories of another life, can't be the right hand he needs when he's reliving hell. That sounds like a win for me.”

Theres a crack.

Phil flinches and makes another noise, high in his throat.

“*Exactly*. You go right back where you belong, *angel*.”

Phil doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of reacting to that name. He's not been an angel for a long time, and he would have liked to keep it that way a little bit longer, thank you. He's not going to slip just because of one man.

There's another crack, and this time it's accompanied by blinding pain.

Phil does not lose himself.

He curls up and breathes through his nose, slow and controlled. He will not give him the satisfaction. He will not give him what he wants.

“Fuck. You.”

The man laughs.

The whip.

The burning sensation *right* above his wing, *right* where another scar runs deep enough that it has his wing tingling most day, nerves not quite connecting right anymore.

Phil doesn't want to give him the satisfaction.

But then there's another crack, loud enough to draw a *growl* out of Phil, and he's back in that pit.

His talons are digging into the ground, and he is not Phil anymore.

#philza #whump community #whump #whumpblr #whump writing #whump words #me when whumpay

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athys-obelia · 4 years

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summary: no one's evil au lmfaooo but make it pt. 2

character/s: anastacius de alger obelia, claude de alger obelia, athanasia de alger obelia, jennette de alger obelia

and here's part 1 <3

oh my god okay. okay. so.

ana, claude, athy and jennette - they go on a LOT of vacations

claude complains every single time but anastacius pulls his trump card and sends athy and jettie BOTH after him

u think he's strong enough to say no after that? lmao jokes

and their vacations always go this way:

jennette: isn't this scenery just gorgeous, uncle

claude: indeed it is. and...quiet

jennette: ...too quiet

[cut to anastacius in the distance, fighting a bear as athy cheers him on]

athy + anastacius, hands down the most chaotic pairing yes i will not be taking criticism

they have tea in ana's palace everyday, just the two of them, they're so poised and picture perfect through the entire thing everyone thinks it's just the emperor giving profound advice to his heir

it's actually them deadass scheming,,, ana has no qualms discussing everything from court gossip to military tactics, both of which she's so on top of all the time

if anyone shit talks jennette or claude, this tea party is where their slow and agonizing demise is planned out to the dot

[true story - count sivan once made the fatal mistake of expressing his favour for athy as the next empress, dissing jennette by comparing her to athy sm which inevitably sparked a debate that ranked the princesses. a week after athy's sources informed her of the kindling behind this new debate, the count's sudden divorce became the talk of the town, and the man's business faced bankruptcy all of a sudden. the sivans still haven't recovered.)

athy n jennette were actually allowed to visit kiel in arlanta a few times, except it was too dark at their first arrival, postponing the meeting to the next morning

buttt then jettie can't sleep and she decides on a midnight snack run (their hotel doesn't really have the maids the palace does, but oh well. she's left the palace w lucas n athy plenty of times)

felix tags along btw, he knows this trip is important to the girls since they're leaving the palace without their Overprotective Papas™ for the first time and want some sense of independence, but... she's just so smol n he couldn't bear it if anything happens so he just shadows her

she totally knows he's there

n e ways so there's a juice place right beside their hotel which she aims for, but when jennette reaches it, it's closed

and out of nowhere, a voice addresses her - "hey you, do you come here a lot?" she nearly jumps out of her skin at the brunette, relaxing when she sees he's literally a kid around her age and not a murderer lmfaoo "me neither," he continues without waiting for her, pouting at the closed sign, before he asks for her name and whether she's new in arlanta

she confirms that yes, she's only visiting, and refuses to tell the stranger her name, still feeling strange at being addressed as 'you' for the first time (well, minus lucas, but he was like her brother and had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon, so)

he eyes her. "you're so weird. i've never seen a girl out so late before, and alone too. are you stupid?"

(felix has his sword out at this point)

she's flushing now and has no idea why she's still out here, but then this stranger kid apparently senses her mood and tells her the best ice cream store in arlanta is not too far away

(he also explains he knows someone who's starts doing weird things when she's hungry as well, and tries to defend that ice cream is actually a healthy midnight snack, "you can just take a healthy flavour like strawberry or mango, mangos are healthy,,right"💀️💀)

so jettie has travelled all the way from obelia, she loves her papa but he would have a heart attack if he found out she was ever awake this late?? yeah bc she's never getting this chance again, jennette accepts the offer

the stranger boy seems to be taking the whole "i'm not telling you my name," thing like a joke, and asks what he should call her since 'you' was getting boring

she goes with "lady j" and like a knight, the boy becomes "sir c"

(felix is on the verge of committing a crime - the princesses can only have one knight, after all)

they walk as the the boy navigates the streets in the dark, and she asks whether he's from the academy, seeing his uniform

"of course i am! you could probably tell bc i look so smart, right?"

she snorts. "yeah, that."

she also comes to know that this guy,,,well he might as well be a tourist? she's out here asking stuff like "oh where's the statue of lady alphia?" or "aren't we really close to the museum where they keep the first emperor's sword?" and he goes "lady do i look like your brochure?? but if you turn right from here there's a cool arcade and across the street from there is the best street food vendor you'll ever eat from."

well at least mans had his priorities straight 😌

"so can you take this off?" he asks, pointing towards her dress once they've neared the store

um???????? sir tf????????????

anyways jettie has been living with lucas n her dad farr too long to not take this the wrong way?? "...no?"

the boy raises an eyebrow "look, it looks like an expensive cloak but i promise i'll return it, alright? i gotta hide my uniform."

ohhhhhhh. 😳.

so she unfastens the cloak and because he's kinda just staring at it cluelessly (he can't even tie his shoelaces fight me), jennette sighs and moves the clothing over his shoulder, fastening it in place at his neck

he's literally a tomato when she looks back up and realises that yes, we are way too close rn

bc she's ana's daughter, jennette by default cannot function when she's flustered. so she kinda stumbles backwards like a fish out of water (years of princess training n etiquette? where art thou??) and 'sir c' has to grab her forearm so she doesn't bump into the pillar behind her smfh

the shopkeep is definitely suspicious of this pair that's definitely too young to be out so late, but chalks it down to his sleeplessness

they escape the store with the ice cream before the shopkeep can ask any questions, and 'sir c' escorts jennette back to her hotel. he climbs onto the roof of the building, helping her up as well

(felix wishes he had a magic stone to capture this moment, this is the first time he's seen jennette become such fast friends with someone)

she stands on the roof (it hurts her butt so she doesn't wanna sit)

"my sister would be so jealous right now," jennette murmurs, "she told me her ideal first date would be either a picnic or something like a moonlit walk. we're having like a moonlit picnic."

it's silent for a few seconds the boy speaks up, "is this a date?"

oh-

oh.

"i mean- i didn't- i don't- uh."

give her some time lmfao she's loading

"i don't really mind that," he tells her, and she thinks she might just walk off the roof in her embarrassment - who just says something like that?? "you're probably feeling really lucky right now, right?"

jennette: ✊😔

he does look pretty in the moonlight, she admits to herself, listening as he excitedly tells her about his siblings at home and how she should send an offering to the gods since they gave her the good fortune to be on a date with the most good looking one of all four of them

in turn, she tells him about how she spent her childhood away from her amazing dad and had gotten closer to him recently, about her sharp-witted uncle, her sister and friends

(the 'friends' section includes felix and he's melting)

she smiles - it's almost as if, at finding out he treasures his family just as much as she does, they've gotten a bit closer

and he tries to listen. jennette had guessed that his temperament was somewhat like her dad's - her dad didn't know how to listen, always making his opinion known before anything else, though she supposes as emperor he could do that

'sir c', on the other hand, tried his best, his blue eyes focused on her as he almost burst from the unsaid words he was holding back, trying to let her finish. the sight was an odd mix of sad and insanely adorable that she couldn't help but let him tell her about everything he couldn't hold in

sensing she could pass out from her exhaustion nearly half an hour later, and 'sir c' escorts her to her window and helps her sneak in bc "what sort of knight would i be otherwise?!"

(felix can't stop shaking the entire night)

the next morning, jennette's heart is pounding as kiel shows her, athy and felix across campus - the chance is low, but still...

"ezekiel!" comes a voice, and the four watch as a turquoise haired boy waves down the alpheus heir "are these the guests you mentioned?"

kiel introduces the trio to johannes vastia before asking, "where's cabel?"

"at the training grounds, he asked if you could bring everyone there so he could show them around there."

"... they're my guests though?"

athy is quick to befriend johannes (i mean she and his sister are practically the same person, so) and at the grounds, jennette's blood runs cold

(so does felix's)

the brunette doesn't notice her at first, arguing with johannes about something as kiel introduces him as cabel ernst

jennette is hyperventilating?? actually back up is this girl even breathing??

cabel ernst from kiel's letters? the 'loud and obnoxious cabel ernst', who gradually turned into 'my acquaintance cabel ernst', then 'hardworking, passionate cabel ernst', and finally 'my friend cabel'?

she'd actually rather admired this slow build of respect between her friend and the ernst boy, and had even expressed her interest to meet him

"this is the first daughter of his highness prince claude de alger obelia, princess athanasia-" cabel mock salutes the princess before his mouth forms an 'o' and he remembers to bow, "-and here's the emperor's only daughter, her highness princess je-"

andddd his eyes widen comically "-hey, lady, it's you?"

yeah jettie is on the brink of literal death - her entire face reddens as this...cabel, grins at her

she watches as he glances behind her, "and you're the guy who was following us - sup?"

felix flinches "...you knew...?"

cabel shrugs. "i mean you do kinda suck ass at the whole subtle thing."

"don't say it like that," jennette retorts, "felix was trying his best."

"princess 😭😭 you knew as well?"

"uhhhh no?"

athy + kiel in a corner: 👁️👄👁️

they watch as cabel's eyes widen all of a sudden and he just,,,runs away

...🐦...🐦...🐦...

yeah well anyway he comes rushing back a few minutes later, a piece of cloth in his hand "...*huff* here *huff*...you go."

athy totally flips out "jennette is that your CLOAK???!??"

"uhhhhh no?"

"um do you realise uncle would literally wage war at this."

and as if it would make everything better,

"i washed it," cabel offers with a grin

"you didn't," the vastia heir deadpans

"i mean, johan helped a little bit."

kiel smiles murderously at the pair. "johan, did you know cabel took the princess out?"

"wait, you're a PRINCESS??"

your honour they aren't very smart

so the group orders some coffee (milk for cabel smfh) to find out what happened, cabel mentions "date" and everything goes to shit again lmfao

kiel and felix scheme against poor cabel while athy n johan get over that stage pretty quick ("listen. MY sister will be living with ME after the marriage and if your friend wants to be with her he'll have to come with us to obelia." and johan's just like "fine by me ✌️😊") and start planning the wedding

cabel + jennette dip n sneak out of the academy again to get the juice they couldn't the night before bc shit is getting awkward here

on another note, our uncle cius' musical intelligence is actually very high - he can probably play more instruments than i can name tbh, but he feels most comfortable singing and i shit you not, this man has straight up an angel's voice

(didn't like singing in front of others coz he was secretly a nerd and only knew old love songs with deep lyrics, athy found out and educated him)

jennette tends to have nightmares often, most often regarding their family - she's seen her father murder her uncle for the throne, and vice versa, athy admitting her affections towards jennette were a front to get the position of crown princess, her uncle killing her to solidify athy's claim, etc - her family is her everything, so despite however many times these horrible scenes play before her, she's left sobbing uncontrollably

and on these nights, she leaves for her father's room, who holds her close and sings her to sleep

also lucas n jennette are like sibling duo# 1,,, jettie is an active lucathy shipper even though he denies it sm - like their dynamic is just peaceful walks in the gardens as she watches the plants n lucas shi talks the nobility and kiel

claude and athy have a thing for each other's sleeping on each other? idk it's weird

athy once fell asleep on the couch while reading with him, and claude moved her head onto his lap so she wouldn't be uncomfy sitting - well, she woke up to his hand absentmindedly raking through her hair and it was just so soothing that whenever she's tired and he's working or reading, she just plops her head on his lap and zzzz

and claude wondered what was up with that, so she proposed they switch roles and he felt so awkward trying to lay down in front of her lmao

obviously athy noticed and she just started reading, thinking he might be more comfortable if her attention isn't on him completely - she ended up reading out loud while playing with his collar and he just,,,passed out

also anastacius has definitely pulled jennette aside regarding the issue of his heir at some point - she had been hesitant at first before admitting she wouldn't like to be the empress at all

i know we'd all love to see empress!jettie and her sister duchess!athy ruling the court, but i really really really can't see her wanting the title?

so thus start athy's empress lessons, but holy shit her teacher is mean

like this man makes me want to bash his face in?? so he doesn't like the idea of athy becoming empress over jennette at all, all bc of both hers and claude's mothers being commoners

he has one of those long ass sticks that you use in presentation to point at stuff?? idk but basically mans has athy name every region, its lords and their vassals during their first lesson

the first time she gets one wrong, she's too shocked as the stick meets the delicate skin of her forearm to react

now the thing is, wmmap!athy would probably stand up against this bc her dad is the emperor and she's his only heir, but i imagine with anastacius' social nature he holds many parties / balls where she's probably heard claude's mom + diana slander and it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to be self conscious abt it (now she's the emperor's heir while jennette, 100% royal + noble blood, is right there which probably makes her feel even less legitimate)

so she endures it, the light marks on her arms as well as the taunts of his she's too smart to not understand - perhaps this is the price to be accepted in jennette's place?

and honestly, no one really notices until at breakfast a few weeks in, where jennette mentions how her dresses are still so modest when sleeveless dresses were more in fashion - ana is suspicious because athy is always on top of these things, societal trends and such, and claude is sus from the way she hesitates slightly in her answer, "i haven't had the time lately, i suppose"

the lesson after focuses on ettiquete since everyone knows she's good at politics and such already, but now tears of frustration are pooling in her eyes because what the hell?? this guy had made an opinion of her long before he even met her, so anything she did would be wrong in his eyes

he gives her a sinister smile, "tired, princess?"

"no," she insists, keeping her voice level. he's about to spout some other nonsense, when anastacius enters the room, taking a seat across from her

anastacius watches quietly as athy answers the teacher's questions in her "public" voice. he watches as her usually cheery disposition is replaced by something far more...dead, despite the front she puts on for him. he's soundless as she hesitates in her answers where she normally would've been louder, more confident. he stops watching in silence when his niece flinches at the sight of the stick

oh.

he interrupts her lesson, not missing the way she winces almost imperceptibly when he grabs ahold of her arm, announcing, "we're going."

he just- it's just that that was the moment he knew for sure - the sight of his niece emotionally disheveled for the first time reminds him too much of how his own brother had once been, and he'd... he'd promised he wouldn't let anyone hurt his family anymore

he ends up taking her to the port with some of his advisors to welcome some royal guests, insisting that she would learn better from experience rather than books - but the guest delegation gets so boring that he sneaks her out of the meeting n they end up in the streets

now athy has no idea where they are, but apparently her uncle does?? ana has his hand on her head as he navigates the streets of the capitol as if he comes here everyday, using magic to casually disguise the two of them

in the meantime?

felix is at the port trying to cover for them smfh, he makes up this huge story about how the great wise emperor wanted to familiarize his heir with the locals, understand her subjects, yada yada

back at the palace prince claude is currently dragging a man by his collar and only upon jennette's insistence does he throw him in prison rather than literally kill him

(jettie visits him later in prison to give the guy a piece of her mind, after felix's visit he's sporting a few noticable bruises and the prisoner is practically unrecognizable once lucas visits)

back to athy + ana, they end up stuffing themselves with some super good street food as anastacius confesses that yes, he has definitely been sneaking out of the palace ever since he was a lil kid

athy almost mentions that she, lucas n jettie sneak out too but that might give him a heart attack, so

"it's so pretty, uncle cius," she says, gesturing towards the necklace he holds up. once he's paid for it, anastacius fists the necklace, opening it to reveal the jewel pendant - now imbued with his magic and replaced with gold lettering of the word athanasia

and she realises that yes, that's what both him and her dad have called her all her life, haven't they?

"you're my heir, athanasia," he uncle tells her with a small smile, "i am proud of that."

getting teary, she tells him, "i'm really proud of you too, uncle cius," triggering a very flustered + blushy anastacius

this mans craves validation - not from the sycophantic nobility, or the obsequious concubines he'd dismissed all those years ago, but from the family he thought he'd neither have nor deserve

and just the acknowledgement is so large for athy - he wants her as his heir, not because she's his niece, but bc he trusts her to look after his hard work after him??? - yeah she's totally bawling her eyes out

anastacius magics her a handkerchief but my mans magic isn't that strong?? lmao he's used up so much by now that the 'handkerchief' turns out to be some scratchy tissues

awkward amirite

nope! athy laughs at that, offering him a sip of her drink as she magics another straw and a proper handkerchief lmfaoo

n e ways so when they return, everyone's shocked to learn that the crown heir, princess athanasia will actually be joining the official circles as anastacius' temporary aid - he doesn't wanna entrust her to anyone but family, and decides that the best way to learn is by his side

(she's so confused bc lucas doesn't normally bat an eyelash when she wears the prettiest gowns, but he deadass can't look her in the eyes when she's in her aid uniform - it's more like a suit than it is a dress)

yes lucas women in suits >>>>>

everyone is STUNNED when at dinner, claude proposes they leave on vacation??

anastacius is just not having it?? like no, this is not my brother, and he throws a grape at claude to check if it's a clone or sum (¿¿how does that work??)

anyays so he ain't no felix, ana's aim is ass and it hits jettie instead

mans nearly gets on his knees to apologise

long story short everyone preps for vacation, but by some aCCiDeNt claude n athy end up at a different destination than jettie n ana, when she suggests returning to the palace to regroup, mans deadass sulks

"so you wouldn't like to spend this time with your father, despite barely visiting my office for weeks?"

o-oh

so at their return, the nobility starts pestering everyone that the princesses aren't independent enough, yada yada idc so to quell this annoyance, to the girls' joy, they get to move into emerald palace together, while claude and ana stay in the ruby and main palaces respectively

literally emerald palace becomes such a cool place to be in since it's the residence of the only decent people in this family, the brothers spend hours going through the requests of maids who want to be transferred

it's such a busy time because of athy joining the court and jettie starting her studies as well - naturally, since she isn't becoming empress, she'll be getting the duchy claude + athy were to be given in the beginning

speaking of futures, jettie's interest in plants and cooking has definitely branched out into herbs

claude notices her tending to a small garden during his visit to athy and even gives her a few tips (he had been studying medical since he was a kid, and picked it up again when athy was born and the empire stablised somewhat)

this soon becomes a routinely thing, and he actually starts reading up on some herbs and even orders a few for her prospering garden

after a month of her learning from books, claude proposes adding a medic as one of her teachers, and turns out his hunch was right?? she's excelling at medicine and they keep it between themselves for the time being

it doesn't last long though, bc they're on a hunting trip when ana injures his leg

and !! this girl istg, she gets to cleaning and wrapping the wound without blinking an eye, as if it's the most natural thing ever, and claude is just smirking while athy and anastacius and literally everyone else: 🌟💞✨jettie✨💞🌟

literal tears coming out of anastacius' eyes "how come my daughter is smarter than me😭💅"

claude: that's not a very high standard, brother

anastacius: ✨suddenly i'm an only child✨

behold, the people in charge of running an empire everyone 👏👏👏

even though jennette is claude's (unofficial) student and athy is her uncle's heir, they both ask their dads to the debutante

yes athy does dance with lucas, anastacius sent him an invitation even though he wasn't a noble (he's an active match maker 😌) and nobody dared question the emperor's special guest

at the end of the night, kiel gives jettie a letter from arlanta - it's an invitation to the academy during holidays, from a certain brunette

when she brings up the subject, felix lets out a squeak and literally everyone goes silent 😭😭

athy n kiel are just out here DARING him to spill them beans

but anastacius takes on look at his excited lil kid and decides that yups, she's going to get everything she wants

a/n: i literally don't know how many parts this should have lmaoo but y'all made it this far!! thanks for reading i hope you liked it<3

#non dysfunctional family!au #or ana decides to stop being a shithead!au #functional family!au ??#wmmap #sbapod #who made me a princess #suddenly became a princess one day #anastacius de alger obelia #claude de alger obelia #athanasia de alger obelia #felix robane #lucas #jennette magrita #jeannette magrita #kiel alpheus #ezekiel alpheus #beware of the brothers #cabel ernst #johannes vastia

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another.

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases.

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles.

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs.

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready."

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry."

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex.

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states.

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face.

"Oh my God." He chuckles.

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods.

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera.

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh.

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now."

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state.

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs.

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop.

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity.

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have."

"No, we haven't."

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too."

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment.

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki.

"What?" I ask him.

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides.

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs.

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other.

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle.

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'"

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear.

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds.

"In his writing." I confirm.

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy."

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little.

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt.

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips.

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe."

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us.

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling."

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment.

"And house payments."

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something.

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?"

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'."

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds.

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that."

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct.

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened."

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all."

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods.

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains.

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her."

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?"

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away.

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced."

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head.

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral."

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together.

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up."

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing.

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?"

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic, or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did."

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?"

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me.

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain.

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds.

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him.

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently.

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time."

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere."

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did."

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears.

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.

"I love you, too."

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#gateway drug

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faithfultosceptical · 5 years

Text

This is a hella long YouTube comment I posted earlier and it was so long that I thought I'd pop it on here too. It is a response to a Christian's video (https://youtu.be/awDPCymx1LY) about how to approach people who have left the faith. The video isn't malicious in any way, quite the opposite but when friendships change in this way it is hard to keep them strong so I thought I'd offer the perspective from the other side too.

youtube

Okay, here it is:

"Hi Inonge! This was a really interesting video and I can tell you're coming from a place of love here. I've been on this situation myself and I know it really hurts but now that I've been on both sides I thought I might be able to offer some extra insight!

- As you start by pointing out not everyone who makes a profession of faith is a "genuine believer" but to claim that all who walk away we're not genuine is simply false. I can certainly speak for myself that I believed the gospel with every part of me and then I didn't. That doesn't invalidate what I once believed and experienced; it shows that I can be honest with myself that my beliefs have changed. This is a no true Scotsman fallacy so whatever I claim to have experienced after this point you can claim that I wasn't a "true" Christian and invalidate my experience. I believed the gospel, I "knew" it to be true, I had a personal relationship with Jesus. And then I stopped believing. One does not invalidate the other. You or I don't know whether someone is or was a "true" believer, only they know that so I prefer to take people at their word when it comes to what they do or don't believe.

- I actually completely agree with your first point. Ask us. Ask us what we believe and why we believe it. Take our word for it. It might be hard for you to accept that we had real and genuine belief in the gospel and now don't believe because that raises questions for you but if the gospel is true it will stay true regardless, so just listen.

- I do think that you contradict this point by speculating that we leave for a "boy or a girl" which can be really frustrating. I've had a lot of people assume that I left the religion for my partner but actually I had deconverted before I even met him, they just didn't know about it yet. The majority of people I know who have left the faith didn't do it to "live in sin". There are a multitude of other reasons people have left so listen to individuals without making assumptions.

- I also agree that pretending nothing happened is a bad approach. It makes the whole friendship false and it's really hard to recover from that. It's really hard to start that conversation but it gets easier from there.

- On your second point, absolutely there will be people who don't want to carry on Christian friendships after leaving the church but that usually comes from a place of hurt. However, in my personal experience (I can't speak for anyone else) it has been Christians that have pushed me away, walked away from friendships, or just ghosted me entirely. There are probably only 2 people who have stuck by me and they were the ones willing to have an honest conversation and listen to what I had to say without judgement (concern, yes but no judgement).

- Although it's good not to just keep treating us like we're Christian, if it is someone that you have studied the Bible with in the past, you know that they know the Bible. So equally, don't try to dumb down the gospel for them as if they've never heard it before. We have, we know, we rejected it for a reason. Talk about the reason(s) if you like (and if the other person wants to) but don't dismiss the many years we spent studying the Bible and seeking all the knowledge we could about god. We don't just wipe our memories of these things when we stop believing

- Warning us about how much worse life will be without god when we're already living a life without god (that might be better for us) doesn't make a lot of sense and might actually put distance between you and your friend. It feels like you don't trust their experience of the world, that you don't believe them when they say they're happy, or at peace. Also, saying things like "but what will you do without god if something bad happens?" starts to sound like you're wishing that on us (maybe to force us back towards god), again putting more distance in that friendship.

- Yes, feel free to talk about your life including your faith but shoehorning it in constantly can be pretty uncomfortable (for both parties - I've been on both sides of this type of friendship!)

- I know you hope I come back to god - just like the prodigal son. I know that because I hoped it for other people when I was a Christian. I know that because I know you love me and I know that you want what you believe is best for me. I understand that, I've experienced that feeling. But honestly, I am happy, I am at peace with myself for the first time, I love and am loved. Telling me that you hope I come back to the faith is telling me that you hope I give up that happiness and contentment. I know you think what you have is better but I've experienced both and this is what makes sense to me. So telling me you hope I come back is really telling me that you hope my biggest fear is realised. Hope away but personally I think it's better left unsaid. Again though, this is completely individual so listen to your friend and what they feel.

- On your last point, obviously I don't believe the verses you quote, but I think that it's a good point all the same. If the gospel is true it will stay true whether your friend believes or not and whether you listen to them or not. So don't be so scared that we're going to separate you from god that you separate yourselves from us."

#ex christian #deconversion #deconvert #apostate #apostasy #exvangelical

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