#They’re also both in love with buffy but that’s another conversation

[fang3d4]

just two characters who are queer af, canonically used to write poetry about their unrequited crushes, became as powerful as possible to compensate for their past ‘weakness,’ and loneliness, and who’s names start with ‘Will.’

[girl4music]

“The above definitely makes him awful, but I don't agree it makes him a misogynist. He's very literally not human. Humans are literally his food source. He doesn't target women with a specific level of disrespect. There's a good argument to be made that the opposite is true.”

That’s what I’ve been trying to explain but couldn’t find the right words for it: thank you,

For me, Spike is very clearly the opposite of a misogynist. If anything he is a misandrist. He holds women in higher regard than men. He distinctly shows no real connection with any man. Clem seems to be his only male friend but - again - that is also because he is an outsider in a “man’s world”. It’s not because he is a man. There’s a scene in Season 7 that stands out where he takes Andrew on an outing with him and he indulges Andrew’s “date fantasy” and talks about food with him, then realizes what he is doing and says “if you tell anyone we had this conversation, I’ll bite you”. He seems to have a performative behaviour very much in the same way as Willow does where anything they do naturally and instinctively immediately gets “masked” or “disguised” with a harder or stronger persona. One more closely resembling masculinity. And there’s a direct parallel with this where they basically show that they’re both hiding behind a thinly veiled costume of power and security because they’re ashamed of what they perceive as their “true selves”.

While Willow is ashamed of the “Geek” inside her, Spike is ashamed of the “Poet” inside him. They’re ashamed of what makes them weak or soft or a loser and they go to drastic lengths to hide their truths which ultimately result in abuse and sexual assault and are therefore very much the same character all throughout Season 6 with much the same storyline. They try to parallel Willow and Buffy instead but there’s a lot that doesn’t add up there. It actually makes more sense to parallel Willow and Spike and then Buffy and Tara as far as how they deal/don’t deal.

In any case - there’s so much complexity to Spike and Spuffy that to just boil him and it down to abuse is completely missing the point of the poetry of his character - which is about fighting “The Beast” and the poetry of the relationship between Spike and Buffy - which is about being anti-matter equivalents.

Spike has far too many dimensions to his character to just define him as solitarily one thing or another thing. There can be arguments made for him performing misogynistic actions but you can’t define him as one. Reserve that definition for Warren Mears or Mr. Maclay or The Initiative where it more accurately fits. It doesn’t fit with Spike. There’s far too much there and you’re only taking in account his “dark” side. And I get it, I sometimes do this with Willow. Only ever talk about her darkness and try to claim that it’s part of her identity and nature from the very beginning. But that’s just me being a fangirl of Dark Willow and of the compelling Greek Tragedy of her shows-long arc. But when I really think about it - I love the character for many more reasons than this. This is just one dimension that I love in particular. It’s not all of them. Multi-dimensional or dynamic characters are few and far between in TV art/entertainment. Especially female ones, so I do a disservice to Willow if I only ever focus on her “dark” side and never her “light”.

@willnotacceptalifeundeserved I know you will have a very strong take on this and I would love to read it.

re: prev post, the 'fascist' label doesn't really apply in this case but that is why i don't fuck with all the 'lesbian spuffy' 'woman-coded spike' shit. if you've been around my blog long enough you know i love spike but that man is a horrid little misogynist. he is not woman-coded or lesbian-coded or a babygirl he just sucks. please fellow spike fans accept this fact!!!

[shipsandlattes]

So I know everyone has already dissected this scene to its core, but it’s taken me a good 48 hours to digest this and I just needed to get it out.

I’m an aspiring actor, I’ve been training for a long time, with a lot of amazing teachers. I’ve watched a lot of shows and shipped a lot of couples. Some of them beautiful and canon, others, well, let’s just say waiting 22 years and counting for acknowledgement, closure, anything, it’s a damn challenge. I’ve seen a hell of a lot of will-they-wont-they’s, baiting, purposeful ignorance, deliberate fake outs, zero explanations, storylines that basically caused canon disintegration, the works.

In saying that, Dean and Cas were right up there on the list with the other “impossibles” because honestly, I didn’t think the writers would have the guts to do it, but I am so f*cking proud they did. It’s safe to say I’ve watched the scene a good hundred+ times already. 

I’ve seen a lot of “controversy” around Dean’s reaction/Jensen’s acting choices and whether or not Dean reciprocates Cas’ feelings, and obviously, I needed to add my own views to the mix.

Just work with me for a minute here.

Dean Winchester is an emotionally repressed trainwreck, and ironically enough, the one that is so full of emotion it hurts to watch. When Cas first starts his speech, he’s confused, really confused because why on earth would Cas start off on a rant now? Billie’s waiting to kill them, he just said he knew something that was more powerful than she was, something that could save them. That’s where he thought this speech was going.

The confusion turns to realisation that it’s a goodbye when Cas starts telling him how incredible he is, how his entire essence is love. Go back and watch the scene again, when Cas says “you’re the most caring man on Earth”, you physically see Dean look down, his eyes searching, he’s actively trying to make sense of what’s happening, he knows what’s coming and you can see him coming to terms with the shock of the words being said to him. He then looks directly at Cas. That look, that was pure shock.

Also, notice how he doesn’t stop Cas from talking? He doesn’t interject, make a joke, doesn’t talk about how there is no time for this now, they’ve got to at least try and stop Billie. He. says. nothing. He listens, he listens like I’ve never seen Dean listen before. Because it’s sinking in now.

When Cas really starts crying, when he says “you changed me, Dean”, you can actually see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He’s no longer in control of his emotions, he’s crying too. He’s never seen Cas like this, so raw, and vulnerable and human. This is the hardest, most emotional conversation they’ve both ever had. They are talking about the one thing that everybody knows, but is never addressed. When it wasn’t talked about, they could deny it, live in the lie. Once it’s said aloud, it’s real and they can’t turn back.

This above series of interactions is the part that kills me the most. The moment Cas says “because it is”, that’s the exact moment of realisation. Look at that last GIF, really look. He’s just worked it out, that he is Cas’ true happiness. He knows what’s coming before Cas even says it. Go back and watch the scene again, they pulled that off so well, the way the music swells at this exact moment. Jensen is giving us everything here, you can see what’s happening in his head - he is Cas’ happiness. He is the one thing on Earth Cas wants and thinks he can’t have. He is the reason Cas is about to die. He knows what Cas is about to say and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it, not now, not like this. It’s almost a silent plea not to say it, because he knows. Of course he knows. It’s like he can’t quite believe Cas is really, after all this time, finally going to say it.

And because obviously Jensen decided that that wasn’t enough to break us, the loaded reaction when Cas says “I love you” has me nothing but convinced that it’s reciprocated. Because Dean knows. He’s always known. Those tears, that head tilt, that gulp. He’s so genuinely confused that they’re really having this conversation. It’s like he can’t quite believe that this is the reality before him because he’s been living in that denial, in that self-loathing and unlovable layer he believes to be true. He’s been under the ‘what if... but it could never be’ umbrella for so long. 

What also makes this real is that there isn’t anyone else around this time. When “I love you’s” have been said before, they have always been able to deflect it, with other people or other words. Now it’s just the two of them. No deflecting, no running away. Dean is forced to hear it, to absorb it, to realise it’s for nobody else but him.

Now, I don’t know if you guys felt this, but when Dean says “Don’t do this, Cas”, he wasn’t just referring to Cas sacrificing himself to the Empty, he’s telling Cas that he can’t just say this, not now, knowing he’s going to die, knowing that Dean won’t get a chance to think, to process, to say what he needs too. I keep staring at that GIF above, Dean is breaking down, I’m almost convinced that Jensen was using an “I love you too, please just stop this” inner monologue for this bit. Look at the way he’s looking at Cas before he realises the Empty has started materialising and turns around. That’s a look of pure heartbreak. Trust me when I tell you, it’s really hard to keep those inner thoughts inside if you’re so in the moment - actually, don’t just take my word for it, read any acting book, ask any actor, it’s so hard to keep that in and sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you do - it’s in both the resistance and the letting go that the gold happens. This my friends, is gold. 

Did anyone else hear “Cas, I-”, well, regardless of whether or not it was an “I” or a very sharp breath, the outcome is the same. Dean’s gone into immediate panic mode. The Empty at one end and Billie at the other, and all poor Dean wants to do is gather his thoughts on not what to say but how to say it. I don’t think he comprehended just how little time he had, he was so focused on what was being said that the reality of the situation caught him completely off guard.

Also, I know this post was about dissecting Dean’s reaction, but can we sidebar a minute to talk about Cas as he pushes Dean out of the way? He’s sobbing, he’s fully crying. That hit me really hard, I’ve never seen Cas cry like that, I’ve never seen Misha get to play that level of emotion before and it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch since The Doctor and Rose and Buffy and Spike, to which by the way, I find many parallels between those couples and this scene.

Speaking of crying, that brings me to this: Dean slumped on the floor, ignoring a call from Sam, sobbing his heart out knowing he’s lost everything. Dean-I’m-emotionally-unavailable-Winchester is sobbing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall ever seeing Dean cry like this before either, the sobbing was so evident and piercing in that silence. The look around the room, the burying of his head in his hands, that is a classic writers romantic love trope if I’ve ever seen it, they really pulled out all the stops with this one.

So, to summarise, I think Jensen’s choices and Dean’s reactions were absolutely and utterly perfect. They both did it so well that it didn’t break from character that these two emotionally distant and repressed men are in love and finally voicing it. Jensen barely said two words and still managed to cause mass coronary’s across the fandom. That my friends is what you call a brilliant actor. I bow down to the talents of these two amazing human beings.

Before I leave this novel, I have to say there are now a few things I’m going to need from the powers that be to not screw this up, help me manifest this:

1. Dean gets to reciprocate his feelings to Cas in person. So, I’m gonna need Cas back and a very emotional Dean.

2. Dean to be actively dealing with heartbreak in the next episode (unless they decided to bring Cas back that soon, which I wouldn’t put past them at this point).

3. Sam to confront Dean about his feelings for Cas, because out of everyone, he’d be the one to hit Dean with the truth of his fears. Sam knows. Sam is supportive. Sam sees it all.

4. I’m gonna need some physical affection, cause after 12 years of nonsense, we damn well deserve it. A hug, and not just any old reunion hug, a proper, this is different now hug. A kiss because hello, in love out loud now. Forehead touching, handholding, really gonna need the works here.

5. A happy ending for the two of them, one way or another. We’ve never had one, it’s time.

Okay, have at it now, let’s speak these into existence please.

Note: GIFs are not mine, I did not make them, credit to owners who I’m not sure of, but they’re beautiful, thanks for making them. EDIT: I’ve just been informed that these gorgeous gifs belong to @michaeldean​ and @inacatastrophicmind​! 

[opheliawillowbrook]

How the Cookie Crumbles

To say his brothers fought would be an understatement: They warred. That. That was the better word. However, it was Dick who was the peacemaker among them. The mediator extraordinaire, translating all his brothers’ woes and misunderstandings into less doom-pending transgressions. But to say this unofficial, yet very necessary part he played was tasking was yet another understatement of unspeakable proportions. It was a FUCKING LOT.

“I swear to God, Drake. You and Brown are a special kind of stupid.”

“Shut up, Damian! It’s a good idea!” Tim grumbled in reply.

“Yeah! You’re just mad you didn’t think of it first!”

Dick’s face fell upon hearing the argument and considered turning the other way, but he’d learned the hard way that his lack of interference could result in bloodshed. Damian did have a history of stabbing Tim, and Robin had an impressive body count, according to Jason. I’d better  make sure he doesn’t add two more.

“Well, fuck me and my  entire life,” Dick droned in frustration. “What are you three bitching about now?”

“Damian keeps saying our idea is stupid,” Stephanie tattled.

“Yeah!” Tim added with crossed arms. “He says we lack the fortitude for good ideas!”

“You do!” the current robin exclaimed.

“Damian?”

The youngest batboy rolled his eyes and reasoned, “Listen, I know these two brain donors barely have two brain cells to rub between them—”

“That’s not the only thing they rub!” Jason called from the other room.

Damian again rolled his eyes in contempt and continued, “And I’ve accepted, as a member of this family, that everyone gets to act a little stupid from time to time. However, as much as I would like to respect their commitment to their shared stupidity, I feel as if they are abusing the privilege and it needs to stop before one of them gets hurt.”

“Wow, he actually cares,” Jason added from still in another room.

“Have you been sitting there listening the whole time?” Dick asked, near facepalm.

“Affirmative,” Jason confirmed, entering from the hall.

“And you did nothing to stop them fighting?”

“It’s funnier this way.”

“Do I always have to be the responsible one?”

“Affirmative,” all four said with little thought.

“Okay then,” Dick sighed with reluctance. “Damian, I know you find it hard to accept the choices of others, but you need to understand that free choice and expression is about accepting that others may not make the same choices as you, and that’s okay. It’s the same as you choosing not to take my dating advice and ask Raven out because you’re afraid of rejection—”

“Shut up, Grayson! This isn’t about me!!!” Damian spat.

“Damian has the hots for Raven?” Jason teased. “You have good taste, Mighty Mouse. She got a great—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence, Todd!” Dick and Damian ordered in unison.

“I was gonna say personality,” Jason droned. “Get your minds out of the gutter. I mean for fuck’ sake.”

“Sure you were,” Tim replied with a glower.

“Yeah Tim, cause you never stare at her tits while you talk to her,” Jason added, throwing him doubly under the bus.

“Dude, are you trying to get me killed?” Tim said, shooting an elbow into his brother’s ribs as Damian and Stephanie both glared. Spurring Dick into a further mood for murder.

“My point being is, just because you don’t like other peoples’ ideas, doesn’t mean they’re stupid.”

“Tell them the idea, guys!” Jason urged, stirring the pot.

Stephanie and Tim looked at each other and nodded, as though they’d discovered the holy grail itself. “We’re gonna write a series of YA novels and sell them on the web!” Steph sang optimistically.

“Yeah, it’s a huge and diverse market,” Tim added.

“And with established characters, we’ll make a killing.”

Dick’s brow furrowed. “That sounds like fanfiction?”

“It sounds like utter bullshit,” Damian sneered, not single fuck given.

“It’s not bullshit,” Tim snapped. “YA novels make up a huge portion of the market. People love those things.”

“Then name one YA novel that has sold more than a manga in the last 10 years?”

Tim shrugged. “I can’t think of one at the top of my head, but there they definitely exist and sell.”

“Yeah, so does my fanfiction based on this family,” Jason added under his breath.

“What?” Everyone asked.

“Nothing. Continue.”

“So anyway, I told Damian it’s a foolproof plan.”

Dick rolled his eyes with a bit of doubt, but who was he to judge or discourage their creativity. I mean, he dropped out of college after all? “I’m not saying I believe it’s bulletproof, because frankly, nothing is. But I’m curious why you would consider telling Damian? I mean, he hates most things.”

“And Drake. I hate Drake.”

“We’re all very aware, Dami,” Dick drawled in annoyance. “But yeah, why would you tell him anything important to you? Especially that?”

“Well, we kinda needed a loan. I knew Bruce would undoubtedly say no and, well, Damian has money.”

“Because I make good business decisions.”

“I don’t know why I thought of asking you?”

“You didn’t, Jason told you to,” Stephanie confessed, recalling an earlier conversation.

“Jason, really?” Dick tsked.

“Hey, Damian does make good business decisions. Who do you think cleans and invests money? It’s certainly not Alfred.”

“Because Alfred would have nothing to do with your blood money, Jason. And Damian, I’m very disappointed in you!”

“Grayson, I don’t know what high horse you are riding on today, but you better come off it. Father told me if I wanted money, that I needed to earn it and that I should get a job. So I got one.”

“Laundering money for Red Hood’s criminal Enterprise is not a job!”

“Actually it is. Mighty Mouse made us an LLC and everything. I own several Wash & Folds, all legitimate! Thanks to Hell Spawn here! I’m actually considering making him a partner.”

“So will your LLC fund our YA Novels?”

“Oh fuck no!”

“Come on, Jay! We have a solid business plan,” Stephanie pleased.

“You’re business plan is a bunch of meaningless numbers written on the back of a napkin and poorly illustrated versions of us,” Damian said, holding up the napkin in question.

“Okay, so it’s not the final draft, but we’re working on it!” Tim said pointedly.

“Yeah, as tempting as this all sounds, I didn’t make my money making half baked business decisions,” Jason reasoned

“No, you made it by taking over Gotham’s drug trade,” Dick clarified with disapproval.

“Which was a solid business decision.”

“Why do I even talk to you?”

“I don’t know why I talk to any of you,” Damian scowled, arms crossed, grateful there was no shared genetics between him and his adoptive kin. “I don’t understand what father saw in any of you.

“I can’t answer that,” Jason replied. “However, I can tell you, from personal experience, what he saw in your mom.”

“Do you wanna die, Todd?”

“Do you wanna not have a job?” Jason wanted. “Also, been there done that. But hey, if I died twice then I’d have buffy status so don’t threaten me with a good time, kid.”

“On that note, I’m leaving,” Damian grimaced. “I have to meet Raven, anyway.”

“Oh,” Dick sang. “You have a date!”

“It’s not a date.”

“Bet you wish it was a date,” Stephanie teased. “Y’know, if you just stopped acting like a dick all the time, I bet she’d go out with you.”

“Shut up, Brown.”

“Oh no,” Dick smiled. “I know it’s hard to believe, but he’s nice to Raven.”

“Hey keep that shit up,” Jason added. “If you’re nice to her, she’d be nice to you!”

“I hate all of you,” Damian proclaimed and stormed away.

“Fuck you too! See you at work Monday! Jason called, earning a tiger middle finger.

“He might be an asshole, but he’s a good kid,” Jason nodded with a sense of pride, causing to Dick to silently scoff. “Still needs to get laid though.”

“Bruce is gonna be so pissed when he finds out you pulled Dami into your bullshit.”

“You’re using Raven’s pet name for him now?” Jason mocked. “And fucker’s gonna have to prove it first; there’s a reason I hired ‘Dami’ for that job.”

“Dude, fuck you; dig your grave,” Dick lamented. “And don’t come at me with one of your tired ass death jokes, they’re getting old.”

“Suit yourself,” the Outlaw glowered as silence set in.

“So Dick,” Tim dared sheepishly. “You, um, wanna invest in--”

“Absolutely not,” the elder hero replied.

Leaving Jason to chuckle. “And that’s the way the cookie crumbled.”

If you enjoyed that feel free to leave me kudos 👉 here on Ao3 lol. If you have any remdom prompts send them my way; maybe I’ll feel inspired 😘

[herinsectreflection]

Faith, Buffy, Dreams, and Secret Kisses

This is one of my favourite scenes in the series. Partially because it’s just my personal jam - I admit that I am Fuffy trash, and I have a real love for dream sequences. Buffy had great dream sequences, but this is where they take a step up. It’s a precursor to Restless in this regard and others. It feels weighty and meaningful, but also a little off and incongruent with itself, in that way that only dreams are. Lines are exchanged that don’t quite follow as direct responses to each other, clashing in interesting ways. It’s packed with foreshadowing, metaphor, and other juicy things. And beyond that, it’s a conclusion to Buffy’s entire arc this season about dealing with her shadow self, and it leads to what I think is the single most romantic moment in the series. I want to talk about this scene and unpack some of what I think it’s saying.

First of all, let’s talk about the setting. We’re in Faith’s apartment, bought for her by the Mayor. Essentially, the villain’s lair, where the two Big Bads plotted their evil plans against our hero. But it’s also a set where we saw most of the bonding and semi-familial love between Faith and the Mayor. A place of both evil and love. And for Buffy, a place of trauma. This is where she makes the decision and takes the action to kill another human. I don’t think she was unjustified in doing so, but it’s still an immensely traumatic act for her, and I think she loses a little part of herself when she does it. The location is very much a reflection of Faith, and Buffy’s relationship to her. I don’t think Buffy loves Faith romantically at this point, but I think she cares about her, and remains concerned about her, and I think it’s fair to call that a kind of love. Faith is also evil, a figure of betrayal but also temptation to the “dark side”. And she is also a figure of trauma, clear deep-seated trauma that she fails to resolve, and just gets worse over the course of the season. Buffy is essentially inside her own relationship to Faith, inside a stadium of sin, trauma, love, and shattered glass. Faith looks out of the broken window that they fought through, and we are reminded that their relationship too is broken, unrepaired, littered with the detritus of conflict. There’s no going back from this - even in dreams that window remains broken, and their relationship will always have this damage.

The props too are an interesting choice. TPN’s video on Graduation Day pointed out the painting of a giant snake with a man’s head on the wall. More conflicting feelings here - the Mayor is Faith’s closest connection to humanity and love right now, and also the reason for her betrayal of Buffy. Her redemption and damnation. We also see boxes of various things piled up - including the crossbow that Faith stole in Bad Girls. The image of packing up a room into boxes makes me think of moving away as a student. We must remember that Buffy is graduating today, on the verge of packing her life away and taking it somewhere else, and this reminds us of that.

The first thing of real substance we see is the cat, which jumps up on Faith’s bed. This is one of the aspects of this dream in direct conversation with Restless, where a cat symbolises the Slayer - a specifically feminine, solitary predator that stalks the night. In Restless, we cut to Miss Kitty stalking the camera from shots of the First slayer stalking Willow. Here though, the intercut images are between the cat and Faith, lying bruised and helpless in a hospital. The cat (and the Slayer) is, as far as Buffy is concerned, not a danger but a creature in need of help.

Buffy: "Who's going to look after him?" Faith: "It's a she. And aren't these things supposed to take care of themselves?"

They’re very clearly talking about their respective approaches to slaying, and to life in general. Buffy tries to encourage ties to humanity, telling Faith back in Revelations that she is on Faith’s side. Faith retorts that she alone is on her side, and she repeats that sentiment here. But Buffy is obviously proved right - Faith is lying almost dead because she rejected all help and care.

Buffy: "A higher power guiding us?" Faith: "I'm pretty sure that's not what I meant."

If the cat is the Slayer in this conversation, then the “higher power guiding us” could refer to the Watchers. It makes sense that Buffy delivers this line with a little wry smile, given that she’s just resigned herself from the Council. This allows a little bit of ambiguity in their debate - Buffy has taken on a little bit of Faith’s advice in emancipating herself and so making herself as the Slayer more self-reliant. The show agrees that that too is the right move. A little independence is good and healthy. What Faith means when she talks about “taking care of herself” is not self-reliance or independence, but emotional hardness and self-marooning to avoid hurt. This is something that Buffy will continue to struggle with for the rest of the series. Faith is kind of right when she states that the Slayer is alone and must take care of herself, and it’s up to Buffy to find a healthy way of dealing with that.

"Oh yeah. Miles to go - Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.”

The scene shifts a little, and we get some foreshadowing for Dawn (Little Miss Muffet), and for Buffy’s death (730 days from now). This is done with the the lighting too, as Faith faces the camera, and the light of the dawn hits her face, in a shot extremely similar to the end of The Gift.

Interestingly, Faith is repeatedly used in this way. In This Year’s Girl, Faith talks about “little sis coming” as she and Buffy make the bed in her first dream. In Restless, that scene gets a callback (”Faith and I just made that bed”), in a scene that ends with the most anvilicious foreshadowing (”Be back before dawn”), as well as a callback to the 7-3-0 line (”Oh, that clock’s all wrong”). In Graduation Day, Faith refers to Buffy as being “dressed up in big sister’s clothes”, however to me Faith has always felt more as being the “little sister” in this relationship. She looks up to Buffy yet is also deeply jealous of her. She wants to be Buffy, to have her friends, her life, the love of her mother. She’s kind of a precursor to Dawn in this respect, so it makes sense that she’s a prophet for her coming.

Slayers having prophetic dreams is well-established, so it makes sense that a dream shared by two slayers would allow them to prophesise a little further ahead in time. Faith hints at this, remarking "Sorry, it's my head. A lot of new stuff.". You have to wonder what other “new stuff” Faith is becoming aware of. Perhaps a new perspective on everything Buffy’s been saying all season. Sharing a mind temporarily is often helpful in seeing another’s point of view. Faith does seem unusually thoughtful as she looks out of the broken window and remarks "They are never going to fix this, are they?".

This is perhaps my favourite line in the scene. It’s a slight mislead, as it comes right as we get a flash of the cat-as-Faith in the foreground. So we assume it’s a reference to her own injuries, which she is expected to never recover from.

But the Faith that’s talking isn’t looking at her own body. She’s looking at the broken window. The symbol for her broken relationship with Buffy. She has become us, the audience, looking at Buffy and Faith and saying “boy, those crazy kids really are never going to work it out, are they?”. It’s true for Faith, it’s true for Faith&Buffy, and it’s true for Buffy herself. When that knife entered Faith’s gut, all three were irrevocably changed forever. You can never put back the life you had before after it’s broken like that. All you can do is take what you can work with, and try to make something new.

Buffy: "What about you?" Faith: "Scar tissue. It fades. It all fades." Buffy confirms that the previous line was not about Faith specifically by asking “what about you”, in a lovely expression of concern. After everything, Buffy does still care about Faith. Faith’s reply of “scar tissue” is an obvious reference to the literal wound she is now carrying (emphasised by the shot of the knife that Buffy sees afterwards), but it’s interesting that she gestures to her face when she says this. It feels like a reference to her entire self. If we accept Faith as Buffy’s shadow self, then “scar tissue” is an accurate description of her. As Buffy herself says, Faith is who she could be if her life was worse (or, perhaps, who she would be if she allowed the tragedies of her life to rule her). She is the part of Buffy’s unconscious self that is revealed after receiving violence. She is the physical proof of trauma. The self that remains after pain. 

Buffy: “Is this your mind or mine?” Again, hitting that note of symbiosis; emphasising how inextricably tied these two characters are. The lines between their psyches are blurred to the point of no longer existing. This is such an intimate moment, almost sexual, with Buffy and Faith unable to tell where their own mind ends and another begins. Imagine the intimacy of that - entering another’s mental space and allowing them into yours, so wholly that they become one and the same. It becomes a mutual recognition of unity and shared pain, and an affirmation of the eternal divisions between them.

I love the ambiguity of the “human weakness” line too. One way we are invited to read it is that Faith is doing a heel-face turn, and intentionally giving Buffy the means to defeat the Mayor. But we’re not allowed anything that easy, to wash away Faith’s sins with a quick redemption before the climax. Faith has miles to go before she can achieve that. It’s just as likely that Faith is talking about herself, and the human weakness that led her down a dark path, or that Buffy is talking about Faith through the Faith in her head, or Buffy is just working it out on her own, etc, etc. This is the information that saves the world, and I like that it remains an unknown. A permanent “maybe”, just as Buffy and Faith’s relationship is. 

Buffy: "How are you going to fit all this stuff?" Faith: "Not gonna. It's yours." Buffy: "I can't use all of this!" Faith: "Just take what you need. You're ready?"

As the scene reaches its climax, we see the most obvious recitation of the season’s themes. S3 is about Buffy coming into conflict with her own shadow self, and here the show tells us how she does that - by taking what she needs. I mentioned earlier that we saw the crossbow from Bad Girls, from the “want/take/have” scene. Here, Faith is telling her the same thing, but in a more healthy way. She cannot just hedonistically consume everything like a crazed id-monster, but she also cannot deny herself things that she needs. 

Most importantly, the “stuff” they are referring to is Faith’s, but as Faith says, it’s also Buffy’s. Everything that Faith is, Buffy is too, because she is her shadow self. Buffy must recognise this, accept it, and incorporate the shadow self into her own identity. She cannot be consumed by the shadow self and simply become Faith, allowing her shadow to consume her conscious personality (”how are you going to fit all this stuff?”). Instead she must recognise her dark mirror, and take the healthy parts, and integrate them into herself as an individual (”take what you need”).

It is at this point of healing and merging between Buffy’s self and shadow self that Faith reaches out, almost touches her in an action that feels so tender, and Buffy becomes conscious. She literally becomes her conscious self by making peace with her dream (unconscious self). She stands up, and walks over to Faith’s bed. This is the moment that their relationship all season has been leading to. She leans over, and places a kiss on her forehead.

This kiss is everything. It’s an act of thanks, as Buffy realises Faith may have given her what she needs to save the day (at the cost of Faith’s one familial figure). It is an act of service, as Buffy literally gives Faith the kiss she asked for when they started to fight in Graduation Day. It could also be an act of forgiveness. We know from I Only Have Eyes For You that forgiveness, Buffy learns, is done not because somebody deserves it, but because they need it. Faith at this point probably does not deserve it, does not want forgiveness (she wants to be punished), nor can she recognise it in her current state, but Buffy gives it anyway, adding another layer of heartbreak. It is given not for any purpose, but for its own sake.

Above all though, this is an act of recognition. We must consider the previous forehead-kiss that these two shared, back in Enemies, and Faith’s words directly before: “What are you gonna do, B, kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet.” And in Graduation Day, just after Buffy stabs her: “You did it. You killed me.” And her words in the dream, just a few seconds ago: “You're ready?"

Now I don’t think that Buffy stabbing Faith to save Angel is morally equivalent to Faith voluntarily killing people to help an evil guy become a big snake. I don’t think the show wants us to think that either. But the line is firmly blurred. Angel says in Consequences that the act of taking a life will change Faith irrevocably, and Faith agrees. She sees herself as tainted from that point on, and if Buffy took her life, she would be tainted too. And though it’s understandable and morally defensible, there’s no doubt that a part of Buffy - her innocence - dies on that balcony when she sticks that knife in. That act is forever. The choice to do violence is permanent. 

So when Faith says “you killed me”, she is saying “you have become me”. She identifies a common nature in them. And when Buffy kisses her, returning it in the exact same way as when Faith first said those words, she is saying “I know”. She recognises and responds to Faith’s mirror by holding up one of her own. She matches similarity with similarity. She is finally “ready” to assimilate her shadow self, and does it by telling her shadow self that she sees her, and that she was right. 

The beautiful part of all this is that it is silent. Faith would’ve been aware of their unification in the dreamscape, since it was happening in both of their heads, but she has no way of knowing about this. I wonder if Buffy would ever tell her. I doubt it. This is the core of the Faith/Buffy tragedy. This is why I find this relationship so compelling. Buffy performs this act of recognition and devotion entirely in secret. It is a stolen kiss and a private confession. A whisper made to a sleeping lover. A letter written, sealed, stamped, and set on fire. It is an act of love and tenderness made entirely for its own sake, without witness or reward. 

This is the single most romantic moment of the show for me. In this show that in many ways about how when nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do, what could be more romantic than this gentle kiss that changes nothing against this aching hole of violence and betrayal between them, but exists anyway, just because Buffy felt it needed to be done. It’s a silent moment that nobody but Buffy and us are privy to. Neither Faith nor the rest of the world will ever know it happened, but I know I for one will never forget.

[prose-for-hire]

Shared Affection

Pairing: Willow x fem!reader; Xander x fem!reader [Bi reader !!]

Request: Hey! can you please write a Willow/Xander x fem reader story where they both have crushes on the reader and they're trying to figure out if she likes boys or girls only to find out shes bi?

Requested by: Anon

A/N: I feel like I’m still a little rusty but I did like writing a little something for this request !! Hope it’s what you wanted and I’m sorry about the wait 💖

You were a new transfer to UC Sunnydale. You could sense that you were on a Hellmouth as soon as you set foot in this new place you would call home. You could sense things, energies and what some may call magic. It just hadn’t occurred to you that this was any different to how other people felt and experienced the world. This would all change, however, once you met who would be your new group of friends. They would show you new possibilities as well as showing you just how powerful you truly are.

You met Buffy in a class you had both taken and subsequently bonded over how much you regretted it. From that first day you both vowed to help each other get through the year. It was as if you just clicked, she was an instant best friend, you could feel it. She then introduced you to her other friends, Willow, Anya and Xander. The latter didn’t actually go to college but he would sneak onto the campus so often and he was good company so you were pleased at this. You got on with everyone so well, it was clear that they had become fond of you almost instantly. Some, more than others.

Over the next five months, Xander and Willow had found themselves adoring you. Neither realising that the other held feelings for you. Xander and you both loved films. You would watch them together all of the time and it became a weekly tradition. You would either go to his basement or he would spend time in your dorm. Sometimes you would forget that the film was on and laugh until you cried at the comments he would make. He was so funny and you couldn’t help but feel so comfortable in his presence.

Willow and you spent time together, she had shown you some small spells for you to practice and you described to her the energy you felt especially now you were in Sunnydale. You could spend hours through the night, just talking. Laughing and sharing your deepest thoughts. She was so sweet to you and you really valued all of the time she spent with you.

Both of them had made you feel so welcome and you enjoyed the attention you had been getting more and more of from them both. You couldn’t lie and say you didn’t suspect that one or both of them may have feelings for you. Although, whenever you thought this you berated yourself for assuming more from their friendly natures.

You couldn’t help loving them, they were so kind and they both looked after you in their own ways. Willow and her magic, Xander and his courage. They were truly now extremely important people in your life. You were thinking of this as you saw Buffy saving your usual seat in your class.

She smile and got you up to speed on all of the latest news you might have missed since you saw her last night on patrol. She was now your closest friend and you basically told each other everything. She had finished telling you all about Riley and what she had found out after the Gentlemen had finally been taken care of. Although, she suddenly changed the topic with a smile and a glint in her eye. She wouldn’t go into detail although she happened to hint about you having a ‘secret admirer’. 

Your mind went to Xander and then to willow in almost the same second. Who you suppose you wished it to be. But then, would you want to choose between them? Hurt one at the expense of the other? Would you even be able to choose? Or could you share them both, forget about monogamy, or would that put a strain on their friendship?

Stop. You had to halt all of the scenarios spinning around your head. It was possible it was nobody in your new little friendship group. Perhaps it was a pretty demon that Anya used to know from the olden days that had seen you from afar.

Willow and Xander were sat in the college canteen while you and Buffy were finishing your lecture. Xander had slid in with a group of guys that had finished a game of football so that nobody would question him. They sat and talked for a little but both of their minds had been on you. On their feelings for you. Neither knew that they had never felt this strongly for another person before. They just didn’t know how you could take it.

Willow had been thinking though. She had told Buffy she was gay. She had finally done it. She was a lesbian. She liked girls and only wanted to date girls now. Specifically, you. God, she adored you. Buffy had been surprised at her coming out but after a few months found herself being Will’s biggest supporter. It was easier to accept as Buffy already knew about your sexuality. You had always been open with her about being bi, you just hadn’t gotten around to telling anyone else.

“So, what do you think?” she asked after her usual rambling as she tried to broach the subject with Xander. She needed to see what he would say. She had realised instead that he had zoned out. His eyes watching for someone who was supposed to be here soon.

“Hm?”

“About y/n. I was thinking of asking her out-”

“You can’t!” Xander said, his voice had gone high-pitched at the suggestion. He then coughed and deepened his voice more than he would usually speak it to compensate, “…She’s not gay, Will”

“You don’t know! What are you th-the king of gay people now?”

“No!” Xander said quickly but his heart wasn’t really in their conversation. All he could ever do now was think of you. There was a pause for a while as both of them thought of the other, knowing now that they both felt the same for you. Then they thought of you. Of how close you had become. How kind and affectionate you could be with them. You cared for each of them but neither of them could help but wish for more. Xander suddenly spoke up again, still staring into the distance, “I know, of course I know. Do you, uh, really think… you know?”

“Sometimes she looks at me and I forget to do the breath-y thing” Willow admitted, now rubbing her hands together in her anxiety.

“Well, yeah she does. She’s- Y/n!” He suddenly said, his voice announcing you as he saw you walk towards them. You smiled and waved a little as you weaved between the tables to get to your friends.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean she’s-” Willow replied, not realising you had been standing behind

“Hey, Y/n! Our Y/n, uh, Y/n our friend!” Xander said a little more urgently, over whatever Willow had been trying to say about your sexuality.

You smile and slide into a seat beside them. Both of them made you so comfortable to be around, you had this sense of home around both of them.

“Buffy caught up to Riley in the corridor, so it’s just me today,”

“That’s good!” Willow said, “Well, n-not good that she isn’t here but good that you are and that they have time together”

“Yeah, I think they’ll be okay. I hope so anyway, he could be good for Buffy right? I don’t know much about Angel but she looks so sad every time someone talks about him”

Willow nodded but Xander wasn’t quite listening. He was trying to think of a way to subtly change the subject from Buffy’s love life to yours. He ended up throwing subtlety out of the window an blurt it out.

“So, Y/n, how would you describe your type. What would your ideal man-”

“O-or woman! Or anybody else!”

“Oh, uh, well I’m not sure I have one type. I fall for people for more than their looks I guess. It just depends on the person!” You smiled but faltered slightly as their brows furrowed at your answer. It wasn’t specific enough for them to gauge who you might be interested in.

However, Willow loved your answer, as did Xander. He was usually a little insecure that he wasn’t the best looking guy or that he made too many jokes to be taken seriously by anyone. But of course, with you, it was different. You could sense goodness from them. You could sense love and promise and potential and you adored spending time with them so much.

But you could feel there was a slight tension. As if they were competing where usually they wouldn’t. Or that they were in some kind of unresolved discussion.

“Why do you ask?”

“Curiosity! We are, um, curious cats”

“If for example, Willow asked you on a date and uh, for the sake of this totally hypothetical situation, I also asked you out too – who would you pick?”

“Well, I think that I would be happy with either of you” You shrugged. And their mouths both widened in surprise at the same time. Neither of them had even considered you might like men and women. Even after you said this as you had to elaborate, “I’m bisexual”

They smiled at you, somewhat satisfied with this answer and both hugged you tightly at you admittance. You couldn’t help grinning so wide at their warmth. Then they caught each other’s eye and saw that they mirrored each other’s expression. That they saw that they had a chance with you. At your love. As you got up and excused yourself that you had to get to another class, there was a silent agreement. Both of them were set on competing for your attention. Especially now that they knew they definitely could have a chance to be by your side.

You weren’t really sure what to make of their question, you told yourself not to think too much into it. Just in case your mind began to spit out unrealistic scenarios that would disappoint you. You left them, not aware that they were both intently watching you leave. Your form dancing away from them in that way that they loved. Their eyes never left you and their thoughts lingered even longer.

One day, you would probably have to make some kind of decision. For now, you were just pleased that they accepted you for who you were. That you couldn’t sense even the smallest change in their fondness for you when you told them. For now, you could enjoy their love, whether platonic or otherwise and keep spending as much free time as you could with them.

[toshsato]

22 and/or 42 for fuffy? 🥺 - ru

Thank you for the prompt!! Sorry for the long wait. <333

42. dragging the other with them, holding their hand

also available on ao3!

“Hey, B.”

Buffy opened her eyes. Before she could even wonder what time it was, her girlfriend’s face obscured her vision.

Faith’s brown eyes were alight with mischief and the grin on her face just kept growing.

Buffy yawned. “What time is it?”

“Early, but I have to show you something.”

“Now?” Buffy raised her eyebrows.

“Uh, yeah? You’ll love it. I promise.” Faith pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Buffy pouted at her. “I was sleeping.”

Her girlfriend gently dragged her lips along Buffy’s face, stopping to press kisses to Buffy’s nose and then to both of her cheeks.

Buffy scrunched up her nose, unable to fight back her giggles.

“Are you still asleep now?” Faith teased, leaving a trail of kisses from Buffy’s chin to her shoulder.

“No…” Buffy relented. Faith was winning.

“By the way, it’s 9.”

“Well... that’s not so unreasonably early…”

Faith laughed and grabbed Buffy’s hand, helping the other slayer sit up. She noticed that Faith was already dressed.

“What have you been doing?”

"You'll see."

Buffy frowned at her, but she knew that she wasn't going to get any more of an explanation right then, so she decided to play along.

Taking a short shower, she contemplated what tricks Faith would have up her sleeve. She didn't want to keep her girlfriend waiting for too long, so she skipped the jewellery and just put on a t-shirt and jeans. Tying her hair back with an elastic band, she walked into the kitchen.

Faith leaned forwards against the counter, resting on her elbows. Dawn and Willow were up too, working on making pancakes.

The two of them and Faith were sharing knowing smiles. It was sort of off-putting. Xander was up and seated at the dining table, reading a newspaper. He was seemingly oblivious to the unspoken conversation, letting out a huge yawn after he greeted the newly awake slayer.

Buffy barely finished her cup of coffee before her girlfriend tossed Buffy’s denim jacket at her. Faith was already wearing her leather one. Luckily, Buffy was used to keeping up with her, quickly following Faith out the door and onto the sunny streets.

“It’s nice to see you so excited,” Buffy said. Faith’s hand firmly gripped hers, dragging Buffy along behind her. “But where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Faith said. She looked at Buffy over her shoulder, smiling mischievously. “Wouldn’t be one if I told you, B.”

Buffy let out another yawn, covering it with her other hand. She didn’t know this city yet. They had only been renting an apartment here for couple months... so far. It barely fit the scoobies, the new slayers, and she had been too busy to really give the city a good look. When had Faith found the time?

They soon found themselves in front of a different apartment complex, a fifteen minute walk from their own. Buffy expected her girlfriend to continue dragging her along past it, but they stopped.

“What is this place?” Buffy said.

Faith didn’t answer audibly. She just grinned and led Buffy to the entrance.

Buffy looked up at the building. It was six stories high and it was definitely on the older side, overdue for a new paint job. She was soon distracted by the realization that her girlfriend had clearly been here before. Faith used a keycard, rather than pressing the buzzer, to open the door.

They didn't linger in the small lobby, heading immediately for the stairs.

There was the strong smell of carpet cleaner and Buffy found herself gazing around at the decor. Old-looking paintings decorated the walls, and the wall paint was chipped in places.

The pair walked up two flights of stairs before making their way down the hallway, passing door after door until they eventually stopped in front of one marked 317.

Faith’s cocky demeanour seemingly evaporated then. She glanced down at the carpeted floor. When she looked back up at Buffy, apprehension was written all over Faith's face. “I got the keys yesterday,” she said quietly. “Place is paid for... for the month.”

“You… got an apartment?” Buffy blinked.

“Yeah,” Faith admitted. She let go of Buffy’s hand. “I figured that you could use someplace more quiet, to collect your strength?" She stuck both of her own hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. "I looked at a lot of places and I figured that you would like it. Let me know if you don’t, okay?”

“You bought me an apartment?”

“Yeah... well, I bought one for us.”

Buffy ducked her head and smiled.

Faith pulled out a key and opened the door. She grabbed Buffy’s hand before the two of them walked inside.

It wasn’t incredibly spacious, but the small kitchen and living area would be enough for a few people to get together. This place was certainly nicer than the rest of the building. Nothing fancy, but at least the paint seemed more fresh.

“There’s two bedrooms,” Faith said. “They’re small but I figure that one could be ours." She pointed. "And the other could be a weapons room... or maybe even Dawn’s room. It’s up to you, B.”

Buffy walked around the place. She walked into the bathroom and then both of the bedrooms. She could picture it. They wouldn’t be holed up in this city forever. That was certain but…It was nice.

And the idea of getting some more quiet time? Heavenly.

Buffy returned to Faith’s side. The other slayer was perched on the edge of the kitchen counter. Buffy took a seat next to her.

“So…?”

“I love it.”

Faith smiled. “Knew you would.” Though the way that she averted her gaze, suggested that she hadn't been completely certain.

Buffy grinned at her and slid closer to her. “Yeah...” She grabbed Faith’s hand.

“So does this mean you’re moving in with me?”

“Hmm,” Buffy pretended to think on it. She sent her girlfriend a smirk. “I think you have me convinced.”

Then Faith’s lips were on hers. Her hands were running through Buffy’s hair. Buffy rested one hand on the side of her girlfriend's neck. Her other hand firmly gripped Faith's shoulder. In response, her girlfriend draped a leg over one of Buffy's.

The blonde slayer was filled a warm satisfaction at the fact that the two could finally have their own place.

When they eventually parted, Buffy gazed into an intense set of brown eyes.

“I love you,” Buffy said.

Faith smiled. “I love you, too.”

[nileqt87]

How I’d write a Buffy/Angel spinoff!

I still say the best spinoff they could possibly ever make would be all the Chosen Slayers getting deactivated, then Buffy and a Shanshu'd Angel (IMO, this plot really would only work with Angel, because it actually matches his story arc, not Spike's, to want a human life and fatherhood) have a daughter who grows up not knowing the truth about her parents (and half-brother!) until it's forced to come out.

I would particularly note that the first thing that happens to newly-called Slayers is their prophetic dreams. If ever there was a way to start breaking secrets to this new heroine that also serves as flashback exposition featuring the old shows, this seems custom-built for it. It’s exposition for the audience that never saw the old shows as well as an introduction to a key Slayer ability, but most importantly, it’s personal family revelations that go far deeper than historical flashbacks of unrelated persons or monsters that mean nothing personal. These would be scandalous secrets for a baby Slayer, given Buffy was the rule-breaking Slayer who is most famous for having romantic relationships with the very creatures she’s supposed to slay. Angelus would be the worst family secret of all! This story has all the makings of an existential crisis before acceptance. That would also be a good place to drop in Connor’s history. Buffy never actually got to react to that bombshell either, so that would be an interesting drama with her, as well. Buffy and Angel both tended to feature heavily in prophetic dreams, so it also just feels right to continue that.

If there's some reason why David Boreanaz (who, let's face it, is really not getting younger and SEAL Team can't go on forever) can't or is unwilling to appear, one could have an explanation that Wolfram & Hart has had him trapped in a holding dimension for years as punishment.

You could even build an arc around that with Buffy or the daughter trying to find him. Basically, a kind way of explaining Angel's absence if necessary and Buffy unfortunately having to mirror her single mother (which was a fear of hers), despite it being no fault of Angel's. It would be yet more cruelty for him to miss out on yet another child growing up, which would be a dramatic plot point itself. It could actually become a story where he does matter quite a lot, despite initial absence or mystery.

An even bigger shock than mom having Slayer superpowers and a world full of supernatural forces would be a reveal that dad is a 394+-year-old (depends on if you count hell--in a modern-day spinoff, Angel is rapidly approaching 400 years!) ex-vampire.

The most interesting and fitting story you could ever do with a maturing Buffy would be having her be a mother and trying to have a normal life.

This would also give Sarah Michelle Gellar a starring role that allows her to be age-appropriate, yet also having a younger generation that the original audience can still care about because she isn't completely divorced from the two previous shows in the way that an unrelated Slayer spinoff would be. It allows the core storylines of *both* shows to truly matter, far more than a Buffy Steele-Gunn offspring would.

---

Just a a few notes about my pitch for a continuation that works with the real ages of actors and their availability... I should also note that Xander (played by Nick, anyway--Kelly might work for a flashback) is a character who could never appear in live-action again, so maybe he could be used as another event that contributed to Buffy's retirement besides pregnancy.

If the Shanshu and conception were directly post-NFA, any offspring would be 16 years old right now. IMO, if there were any plans to give SMG a series with her in a major supporting role, this just means that the space for how long between NFA and the Shanshu or how long Bangel got to be with each other widens for however many years it would take to revive the franchise.

I strongly believe that the best option for the franchise would be a back-to-the-suburbs story exploring age-appropriate Buffy facing motherhood, rather than trying to turn Buffy into a war general surrounded by nothing but subordinates (horribly alienating future for her) with a lack of equals or a grounded setting à la the season 8 comics. If you want to introduce the Buffyverse to a new audience whom you can't expect to watch 24-year-old shows until they're interested enough by the revival, you're going to have to ground characters in a relatable reality.

As for how a new Slayer would be called after deactivation, I firmly believe the line is through Faith now anyway, so it would just take her dying for a minute à la Prophecy Girl for a new Slayer to be called. I would definitely want Faith in the show!

--- Facebook discussion

I feel like SMG's concern was less wanting to reprise the role entirely, but more concern that she'd be expected to play the same exact role in her 40s. This is giving her a role that fits a woman (and a mother in real life) who is in her 40s and is a major supporting role rather than he young lead whose story is being centered on.

As for the Angel situation, SMG might actually be more willing to return if she could beg DB to come back for perhaps an initially-limited role and the scenario is one I believe she'd actually support, as it fits with her preferences!

While it might seem that Buffy as a single mother retreads the original, Angel is obviously nothing like the Hank situation (not to mention Joyce and Hank being completely clueless), so the circumstances of the father would be quite different from Buffy's own situation, while also feeding into her own stated fears about her future.

This also brings up all the conversations in Bad Eggs, The Prom and the Chosen cookie dough analogy (children are mentioned again) to the forefront. Unlike with the other options, it was something that came up repeatedly. Admittedly, it was always by Angel due to his infertility and the human life he most desired; all of which ended up being an important part of *his* story.

However, a part of Bad Eggs that is woefully underrated is that Buffy was disappointed when Angel told her vampires can't have children. She immediately covers it up with a babble speech and then starts making excuses for why Slayers are unlikely to have that kind of future. Young Buffy did not disregard it because she didn't want children ever at all, but because the person whom she saw that future with was someone who couldn't have them.

Enter Nikki Wood, where Buffy learns that at least one Slayer was definitely a mother, which she was clearly surprised by.

That's another reason why I can see Buffy, if she got her hopes up with post-Shanshu Angel and conceived, would do anything to be a good mom by not being all about "the mission". She would never want her child to be raised without parents. And I think she'd be doubly sensitive to that, not just because of Nikki, but because of Hank leaving and Joyce dying.

Buffy also became surrogate mother to Dawn, who was made out of her (in a sense, she is her real mother), so Angel's situation with Connor actually had a direct mirror in Buffy's situation with Dawn.

But those conversations were also not just about wished-for children that couldn't be conceived, but also asking Buffy to think about what she wants for her future if she took out the belief that Slayers don't live long enough to have one.

This show would be the answer to what happens to a Slayer when she does live long enough to have the future she barely wanted to get her hopes up for before.

Buffy (ditto Angel) is the character for which this story actually has a ton of setup in the shows themselves. These characters talked about it! And the circumstances are really nothing like Joyce and Hank, even if the initial setup plays into both Buffy and Angel's worst nightmare scenarios about parenthood: being a single mother and not getting to raise the miracle child you thought you'd never have. That kind of bittersweet writing that shirks too-good-to-be-true wish-fulfillment is a cornerstone of what makes it a Buffyverse storyline. If the daughter's family lied to her about their history to keep her safe and protect her from knowing what goes bump in the night (making them the polar opposites of Hank and Joyce in regards to knowing all too well--especially Angel's experience of being the worst thing you could bump into at night, rather than utterly clueless), that would certainly be a conflict. Especially if she found out in a particularly shocking way (say, prophetic dreams). And if Angel (I'd like to imagine he has the company of ghost!Wesley and maybe Illyria and Spike) has been taken for punishment by Wolfram & Hart, it might really confuse her if she doesn't know that he didn't just leave or some other excuse Buffy covered it up with. Wolfram & Hart would also probably love the irony of Angel getting what he most desires (to be human and a father), only to punish him with it by wasting his remaining years separated from all that he loves.

[rantingcrocodile]

I finally read Jennifer Baumgardner’s Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics and it’s incredibly eye-opening as a bisexual woman. Every feminist should read it.

I don’t agree with Baumgardner’s ideas at all, strangely enough. The book is very wishy-washy when it comes to bisexuality, excessively trapped in a “gay-or-straight” mentality, extremely embracing of “queer,” casual about porn. It’s far from the usual radical feminist mantra. So why should I praise it? For the first time, a real autobiographical-feminist text has honestly explained the tension between bisexuals and lesbians, as well as been just as honest in the bitter presumptions about “political lesbians.” 

It’s felt like a rewrite of history, knowing that those “straight women pretending to be lesbians because they hated men” were actually women who called themselves “straight,” who believed (and some still do) that they were “straight,” and yet met, had sex with and fell in love with women. 

Look Both Ways is a sharp reminder of how new discussions into sexuality actually are. The overlap and confusion between “lesbian” and “bisexual” is thanks to feminism, where women who were actual victims of compulsive heterosexuality could be in women-only spaces, genuinely fall in love, and then be so ground down by society and patriarchy that they believed that they had to return to men, that that was their only option. That to be “lesbian” was a political statement in itself, for the actual lesbians who only could ever have sex with and love women, so back then, it was natural for bisexuals - the term never being a widely-used or accepted one - to simply be “lesbians” too. Then, that political anger and sense of personal betrayal from both kinds of lesbians when a bisexual “lesbian” dared to fall in love with a man. The same still happens today. I’ve seen the very same kind of anger and bitterness on Tumblr from a particularly know-it-all feminist lesbian, just because an old lover’s next partner wasn’t another woman, as though she owned her ex-partner. 

It was published in 2008 and is extremely dated. Joss Whedon is praised for Buffy and Baumgardner thought that the next conversation would be about bisexuality. How wrong she was, in also casual acceptance of trans women, not knowing what was to come.

She spent her days rubbing shoulder-to-shoulder with big feminist names, studied Dworkin, dared to remind me that Elton John was proudly bisexual until he decided that he was “gay,” and the number of bisexuals who will only use the one-or-the-other. All that, the acceptance of sex-based oppression, then her own thoughts that feminism is more about personal choice, about finding the confidence to act as men do, where bisexuality becomes the “privilege” of somehow looking around and being able to touch all things, and it struck me in that moment that I’d uncovered (for myself) the issue that I have with radical feminism today: the over-reliance on texts from decades ago and a refusal to engage and think and update for today.

Baumgardner accurately states that we’re much more free today than we were in the peak of the second-wave. She hints that it’s not as bad as it actually is, but I agree that it’s a fiction to pretend that we’re in the same battleground as writers in the 1960s, 70s, 80s. A lot of the issues are similar, but they’ve evolved with technology, travel, laws and it’s foolish to think that outdated text books are perfect stand-ins for today. They’re not religious texts and too many “radfems” act as though they are, instead of texts to be read, understood, challenged, and then used as the basis to form their own unique ideas.

Bisexual Politics is an excellent read to see a window into the past. Today, we have better tools at our disposal to point out and recognise oppression. Most of us don’t have the cushy bubble that Baumgardner fell into, her bisexuality exposed and explored under the watchful gaze of feminists and “straight” women who became “lesbians” in relationships with other women.

There are plenty of places to go, and the discussions about sexuality need a serious jump forward. Baumgardner has no strong connection to bisexuality as far as I read, not aside from her relationships with both sexes and being from an age where it was more about “picking a side,” “straight vs gay,” where bisexuality as a sexuality is somehow both stronger an identity and weaker, more concrete and more fluid, more angry and more apologetic, then ever before. 

But it’s a good starting point. To go forward, we need to know where we come from.

[coraniaid]

Just over halfway through my S5 rewatch now. I’m taking a short break while I try to decide if I'm going to be able to make myself rewatch The Body this time.

(Spoiler warning: probably not.)

Inspired by how much I enjoyed the three-episode run starting with No Place Like Home, I decided to use Science (in the form of average IMDB ratings) to answer the pressing question: what is the best three episode block in each season of Buffy?  However, due to unforeseen experimental error (I just didn’t like most of the answers I got this way), I decided to ignore Science today and just pick the episodes I like.  Which I think is much more objective anyway.

So:

S1: Nightmares / Out of Mind, Out of Sight / Prophecy Girl

Bit of an easy one to start with. I think there's a pretty decent argument to be made that these are just the three best episodes of the first season (but even if they weren’t, Prophecy Girl is just that good).

S2: Surprise / Innocence / Phases

This season is a bit trickier (mainly because of the existence of Go Fish).  Phases is not my favorite episode but I like it more than Bad Eggs, so ... sure.

S3: Revelations / Lovers Walk / The Wish

Maybe the more obvious/popular choice here would be Bad Girls / Consequences / Doppelgangland, but as I've mentioned before I'm not a huge fun of the last of those.  But these are three very good episodes, and it’s kind of nice that each one focuses on a different one of Buffy’s Shadow Selves.

S4: This Year's Girl / Who Are You? / Superstar

Bonus points for the fact that these episodes form a little mini-trilogy, I guess?  Honestly I'm not the biggest fan of Superstar either, but I was never not listing the two Faith episodes here, so here we are.

S5: No Place Like Home / Family / Fool For Love

Three very solid episodes (especially the last two, but I’d honestly forgotten how well done No Place Like Home is) which also do a lot of work setting up what's to come in the rest of the season.  Arguably the 'correct' answer here is I Was Made To Love You / The Body / Forever. However, as a counterpoint, consider the fact that The Body makes me feel very sad.

S6: Once More with Feeling / Tabula Rasa / Smashed

This feels like a boringly safe choice in some ways.  But, well, I am boring and I like to be safe.  (It wasn't deliberate on my part that so many of these choices would include an episode 7, but that definitely seems to be what's happening, doesn’t it?)

S7: Selfless / Him / Conversations with Dead People

Again, a pretty easy choice for me.  Conversations with Dead People is comfortably the best episode of this season, I think, and probably one of the best episodes of the show overall.  (And ... another episode 7.)  Selfless I think is also in the top three for the season, while Him is ... um.  Well, it's not as bad as its reputation?

As I mentioned at the top, the IMDB rating method disagrees with most of these.  (However, it is important to stress that I am right regardless).

The best three-episode run across the whole show, according to IMDB, is an overlapping tie: either

Choices / The Prom / Graduation Day Part 1

or

The Prom / Graduation Day Part 1 / Graduation Day Part 2

Honestly The Prom would never have come to my mind for this list (but I do like the Class Protector scene a lot), so I didn't even consider either of these.  But both are solid choices (I might give the first a very slight edge)

Honorable mentions as well to two blocks of episodes that overlap seasons:

Becoming Part 1 / Becoming Part 2 / Anne

and

The Gift / Bargaining Part 1 / Bargaining Part 2

Other than Prophecy Girl, none of the season finales ended up on my lists for their respective seasons, but that’s not because I don’t think they’re good; it’s just that there tends to be a weaker episode in the build-up. (Again, see Go Fish.  Or better yet: don’t.)

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E111 (Redux! Oct. 13, 2020)

Gooooood evening good evening good evening, all! I started the VOD late for this recap and somehow the first four or so minutes of the show have a Twitch audio copyright claim, so I am reduced to only reading Brian's lips when he asks if we're on the internet. Hilariously, Marisha's background room is a comfy-looking blue/gold fabric wall with a ceramic colorful abstract lamp and a yellow silk scarf over the lampshade, and Taliesin's is an industrial looking games room in grey and black with multiple monitors, overhead speakers, and mysterious metal fixtures behind him. What a treasure this group is, honestly.

Tonight's guests: Marisha Ray & Taliesin Jaffe, discussing episodes 110 and 111 again. I wildly speculate once more about what might have caused their absence: jury duty? Sam appearing on The Masked Singer? Something to do with the animated show? One day, we’ll know, one day... (One day this “copyrighted audio” section will come back from the wars, too. Ugh!) Finally! The audio comes back to reveal Brian discussing the endless reality of digital meetings and Marisha talking about (I think) her glare-reducing glasses she’s wearing. Welcome to the New Age (welcome to the New Age, to the New Age).

Announcements: Marisha suggests checking out Dimension20, another live tabletop gaming group, which premieres live on Wednesdays at 4pm (CollegeHumor). 

Brian immediately wants to know how they feel about the revelation that Molly is alive. Taliesin’s personal reaction: he “knows some things” he can’t talk about and is aware of several possibilities that might be going on, but had a sneaking suspicion that there would not be a body for them to find. He says it’s almost all there for anyone to see in past material. Marisha’s personal reaction: she just wants to know how she’s doing with her theories, & was trying to block Tal’s face out deliberately as she was going off on her theories in the last episode. Taliesin says he thought her ideas were pretty good!

Cad has no clue what to think - it’s like listening to your friends talk about Buffy. Marisha thought it was a 50/50 Molly would still be there, but Beau had no idea. Not that it mattered, because as soon as Matt went through with it the reveal still blew their minds. Tal laid out his plans for the character with Matt during Campaign One (towards the end) after they all got their VM tattoos.

It is a “horrifying and gross” thing to dig up a body, and Beau was pretty reluctant to do it. Tal, as Cad: “Sometimes dead’s better.” The moral quandary of trying to speak with a dead friend was very different here than the frequent occasions they used the spell in C1.

Taliesin says his poker face is very bad, so it’s easier for him to over-react and let it all play out. The only other player he can see very easily from his place in their current setup is Travis, and because he knows Travis doesn’t watch TM, tweet, or participate in social media, he admits he thoroughly enjoyed watching Travis freak out at his freaking out. He says he only knew about 20% of what Matt described at the end of that episode. He was picking things to mug to increase Travis’s surprise. I love this so much.

Taliesin provided the table left leg shake; Travis provided table right. Ha!

Beau is really accepting her role in the Cobalt Soul. It’s good when “as a person, you feel like you can settle into your calling. Sometimes you can do more from the inside than fighting from the outside.” It’s a mirrored but opposite path of Keyleth from C1; Beau felt like she was too good for her duty, while Keyleth thought she wasn’t good enough.

Caduceus is not a big believer in jumping to conclusions. He does have an idea/notion of the “city of the undead” and thinks all this necrotic energy must come from somewhere, and wonders if this is the “capital of anti-death.” He’s willing to believe whatever he sees. This is one of the few things that trigger a bit of loathing and disgust in him. It was terrifying that the Wildmother didn’t know anything.

Beau is pretty confident in her Charlie Day impression laying-out-the-research last episode. She enjoyed taking the things that were known & extrapolating around them; this is a huge facet of Marisha’s own personality and she really enjoys it, so she built a character this time that would allow that kind of puzzle-solving. It’s also why she repeatedly notes when Beau journals, so she can avoid metagaming. Trent’s mention of Vess Durogna’s tomb raiding was completely circumstantial, and the only reason she’d made the connection to the Tombtakers was because she’d recently reviewed those notes for a separate unannounced project. Sometimes she tries to make connections and Matt is like, “It was...just descriptive. Just flavor. The curtains were red...” and she has to discard a paragraph of notes. She feels like it’s still something they have to do because of “look at what he does! Look! It’s totally valid!”

Cosplay of the Week: @kitsunstudios with a gorgeous Caduceus with a very intricate silk vest.

Caduceus’s takedown of Trent! One of my favorite moments in the entirety of C2. Taliesin felt Trent was an asshole; Caduceus felt sorry for him because of how dumb he thought he was. Caduceus’s response was "this is the dumbest man I’ve ever met in my life. He’s so dumb! Is nobody going to tell this guy how dumb he is? Oh, they’re all freaked out. Somebody needs to tell this guy he’s an idiot before somebody gets hurt.” (Marisha: “Before?”) Tal says it was the product of several years of therapy and many drunk conversations with Whitney Moore. It was from a genuine place of concern from Caduceus. “How are you allowed to have this much power and be that dumb?”

Brian loved how funny it was to watch everyone tiptoe around Trent and then Caduceus bulldoze through the end of the meal.

Taliesin: “Damage doesn’t make you interesting or better. It’s not what makes you good. Character isn’t found in damage. Just recovery.”

Brian & Marisha commiserate going through the stage where believing surviving something automatically made you a stronger person, better for the pain; instead it just meant you had to pick up the pieces after. Marisha talks about how strength through survival may be true for some people, but it shouldn’t be considered a necessity. Taliesin talks about how he used to think he had to be miserable to write. Brian talks about how believing he liked reading and writing miserable things only limited him for years.

Marisha feels it’s a C2 theme that almost all the PCs have someone trying to handwave or take credit for their accomplishments or explain their pain as being for their own good (Trent, Beau’s dad, Obann). She thinks it’s interesting to see all the various ways people try to take credit for your work/delegitimize you as a person. She loves that RPGs allow you to explore these odd moralities in interesting ways. The only way to fight it is to have a sense of your own self-worth, which is a problem a lot of the M9 started with.

Caduceus likes everyone, and really likes people who appear to need role models (Eodwulf). “With the right friends and the right bar and the right attitude, I think he’d be okay. Come over here where it’s so much better. That seems like an exhausting friendship that you have there.”

Marisha loves the mix of personalities in the M9; Veth, Cad, & Jester were all “we kind of like them!” after the dinner, and she immediately made eye contact with Travis and they both shook their heads. She knows Beau has to go along with it for Caleb’s sake for now, but she & Fjord are pretty sus of Trent’s proteges.

Beau is less concerned about Artagan’s relationship to Jester because “he showed his ass--she’s less worried about Jester now because a little of the magic is gone.” It’s a little like becoming an adult and realizing your parents are also just adults & human. Caduceus wasn’t suspicious of the Traveler for a long time until they got to the island. Aside: Taliesin loves the pantheon in D&D. “The notion of attempting to apply common Western conceptions of religion to a world where you have a pantheon of interventionist gods as baseline makes no sense to me. Everyone admits that every other god is there and doing shit; it has more in common with ancient Rome than anything else.” Now that he knows it was a con, he feels the wind had been taken out of it. He does have a sense that Jester’s gotten back together with an ex: “I hope that I’m really happy for you.” They’re both interested to see how Jester navigates the new relationship.

My internet goes out, of course. I panic for a second, thinking I’ve lost everything above, but all is well! Thanks, Form History Control addon!

Marisha loved punching Artagan, but regretting rolling so poorly. “I miss violence.” Dani lets us know it’s been about four episodes since the last battle.

There’s no way the Cobalt Reserve doesn’t have a single document on the Eyes of Nine. Beau believes “there are no real secrets” because people are just bad at not writing things down. For there to be no information at all seems really suspicious for her.

Fanart of the Week: @oddalchemist on twitter with some awesome Beau conspiracy red-thread boards overlaid a distant shadowy Molly walking away.

Caduceus feels a little guilty for really enjoying his time right now with the M9 and not wanting to go home. He’s starting to suspect that he’s going to go home very different than when he left. “He has the softest problems. I don’t know if I want to move back in with Mom & Dad.”

Beau is trying to get comfortable with the idea of being happy. Jester is probably Beau’s first real best friend & one of the first healthy female friendships she’s ever had. As long as she still has Jester in her life, she doesn’t care. For Yasha... “At the end of the day, Beau is a lonely person and has always been a lonely person. And I think you kinda reach this point where once you’re not lonely anymore, you can kind of come out of the fog and realize that was horrible! And terrifying! And is even more terrifying now that I know what I could have, and I don’t want to go back to that. At the end of the day Beau doesn’t want to be lonely anymore. There’s always been that flirtation with Yasha, but everyone had to figure their own shit out. And now it feels like it’s coming out a little bit of that haze, maybe this actually could be...” There are a lot of ways they complement each other & are good-different from each other. Marisha believes people can be attracted to more than person at once.

Caduceus doesn’t think nature turned against him on Rumblecusp, it was just a reality of nature being dangerous and violent. “He has a complex relationship with nature.” He doesn’t expect special treatment.

Thoughts on the mansion: “Man, it’s nice to be seen.” Marisha: “I don’t know how I ended up becoming the Scanlan of this campaign, but I’m living for it.” It felt like an echo of “I’m better for having known you.” They compare Marisha taking specific notes on the campaign to Liam taking specific notes on people’s favorite tapestries, comics, etc.

They talk about missing theme parks and daydream a park version of the mansion in CritRoleLand. It’s lovely.

Taliesin never expected Divine Intervention to work; he just wanted to roll some dice. He’s still processing what he saw/heard. They all agree it was very useful in the Vokodo fight.

Vilya! Marisha: “Ah! Ah! Ah!” As a player, Marisha was so deep in Beau’s eyes she didn’t pick up it was Vilya at first (especially since Matt really emphasized they should not be looking for C1 NPCs). Marisha’s brain melted. She bawled her eyes out on the ride home after that episode. Right after it ended, Laura told Marisha “Keyleth finally gets her happy ending,” and it makes Marisha emotional again since Keyleth’s story ended so bittersweetly. She talks about the very real feelings of “just wanting them to be happy, though!” She went back and listened to all her old Keyleth playlists. Everyone was teary after the episode. “Everyone has these 100% real memories of being these characters and having these good times.”

And that’s that for that! Thanks for your patience, all, and is it Thursday yet?

[tinumiel]

My Spuffy feels and why I feel that Spike/Buffy are a much more complete and better suited couple.

First of all, I want to say. I have yet to read BTVS Season 8 to 12, so please, please, PLEASE don’t spoil me anything. 

TW warning: the following analysis contains mentions of sexual assault, emotional abusie, toxic relationships and death.

First thing you need to know is that Buffy and Spike’s relationship in Season 6 is toxic and mutually abusive. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t have it’s good moments, but it is toxic none the less, and there is no way around that fact. The fact that their actions can be explained does not mean they can be excused. I know it, you know it, and any Spuffy shipper who tells you otherwise really missed the point of everything. They do a lot of harm to each other, and neither is at a healthy mental state to have a healthy relationship. Buffy is dealing with her resurrection, and Spike is dealing with these feelings that go against everything he has ever believed during his time as a vampire and he doesn’t understand, and probably an identity crisis. While they find comfort in each other, it is not in a healthy manner. Buffy is using Spike, and Spike displays obsessive behavior towards her.

It all culminates in Spike trying to force himself on Buffy, which is the final proof that this relationship had become as unhealthy as they come.

But, we need to analyze the entire situation more deeply, because, unlike most cases, it is not a black and white thing. Spuffy is not black and white, and that is the depth of their relationship.

What is important to remember is that, at this point, Spike is still a vampire without a soul. But, unlike other soulless vampire (including Angel, all you apologists), he is capable of feeling affection and genuine empathy for others. He is capable of good deeds, as we see majorly in season 5. He cared particularly for Dawn and Joyce (see how he paid his respects to Joyce after she died, not because he wanted to impress Buffy, but because he was genuinely fond of Joyce). After Buffy’s death, he could have left Sunnydale, since there was seemingly nothing left for him there. The Scoobies could not and would not remove his chip, the girl he was in love with was dead, he could hunt demons anywhere. But, he stayed AND helped the Scoobies to fight against the demons. This was, most probably, because he had come to care for Dawn and wanted to look after her. 

But, he is still a soulless vampire. And as long as he stayed as such, he would never be a good guy. He was capable of good and selfless acts, he was capable of love, but his natural condition remained evil. In order for him to truly redeem himself, he needed to have a soul, and in order for that to happen, there needed to be a turning point for him, an event terrible enough for him to fully realize his “evilness”, process it, be horrified by it, and decide to atone for it. This was the sexual assault on Buffy. It could have been something else: murder, torture, etc. But the creators chose this, and I think it makes sense, considering how deteriorated their relationship had become. 

But, how could Spike really become aware of te fact that what he had done was something terrible? In order for that to happen, I think the central factor is that he had to have no truly evil intentions. Spike sexually assaulted Buffy; but, he didn’t mean to. It was not a conscious action in which he did not care for the victim’s feelings, and only for his gratification. This is what allows him to realize that what he has done is terrible and that he must hold himself accountable for it. What proves that he had no ill intentions?

I read that a key factor in Buffy and Spike’s relationship in season 6 is the word “no”. But in this case, no usually meant yes. A problematic statement, but let me explain. Most of the times they said no to having sex with each other (particularly Buffy), she did not really mean it. It was more of a mandatory thing for her to say because she was not supposed to want Spike, but she did. It was why they always ended up together. The struggle was also part of, let’s say, their foreplay (see that very hot scene of the house destroying). Spike and Buffy’s relationship, particularly at this stage, it’s a love and hate, enemies to lovers dynamic. So, all of this was normal for both Spike and Buffy. Because of this, when Buffy refused him, Spike initial thought it was most probably that it was just another case of the same scenario. 

The audience realizes it’s not way before him, of course. Because we are not soulless vampires. Spike, while capable of selfless acts (like I already said), is coming from a very selfish position in this moment. He doesn’t stop to think of what Buffy is really feeling or considering the possibility that this time her no is a “real no”, but assumes that she is simply resisting him in the same manner she always did, because in that moment, he is being a typical soulless vampire. It is something the audience has probably come to forget at that point because of the good he had done previously, but, like I said, Spike would never be a good guy as long as he didn’t have a soul. He was bound to commit something atrocious sooner of later.

But, and here is the key element to this situation and one of his main differences with Angel. He realizes his mistake. Not exactly on his own accord. Like Buffy says, it was only because she stopped him, but that moment of stop was shocking enough to “bring Spike back from his frenzy”, really think the situation through and realize what he had been about to do. And unlike soulless Angel, Spike feels guilt for his most terrible act, he feel disgust at himself. He realizes he doesn’t want to be this person, and that he has to do something to take responsibility for what he has done. This is the moment Spike realizes he wants to be a good guy. And that he can’t be a good guy as long as he doesn’t have a soul. This is the pivotal moment. It is in this point that his actions do become black or white: he either chooses to be good or he chooses to remain bad. And he goes for the good action, thus initiating his redemption arc. But this would not have been possible without the extreme situation that was the horrible act of attempting to abuse Buffy.

After this, we reach Season 7. Spike has a soul now, and much like it happened to Angel, he is taking responsibility for all the terrible things he did in the past. He can’t change them, and all his victims are most likely dead, so the only way to take accountability is to start to do good, which he does. The one of his victims he can answer to for his crime is Buffy. So begins the journey of Spuffy in season 7, that begins with Spike properly experiencing and accepting the guilt and blame, and understanding the extent of the harm he did to Buffy, and accordingly changing his behavior. Where he was once selfish and obsessive, he is now comprehensive and supportive. He gives her the space she needs, listens to her, respects her feelings. The trust between them begins to develop and strengthen, and their relationship matures into a healthy love that is not based purely on physical attraction and unresolved feelings; but in full communication and mutual compromise. Just like Buffy accepted that Angel with a soul was not the same man as Angel without a soul, she accepts that Spike with a soul is not the same as Spike without a soul, and thus, forgives him and starts to trust him again. And this time, Spike proves himself worthy of this.

A lot of people, for some reason, seem to judge Angel with or without a soul as separate people (like Buffy does) but Spike with or without a soul as the same. I don’t know if this is because Angel answers to different names depending on his soul condition, or because his personality changes drastically, but either way, of course under this circumstances Angel is going to seem more healthy and come out on top. But if he were to be judged under the same standards as Spike, he would turn out to be much, much worse. Unlike Spike, Angel without a soul is incapable of love, selfless acts, or feeling empathy under any circumstances, nor is he interested in them. His only joy is to cause pain. He abuses Buffy, perhaps not sexually, but definitely mentally and emotionally, stalks her, threatens and kills those who are close to her and is obsessed solely with the intention of causing her pain. And he does not regret any of these actions. His soul is imposed on him as a punishment. Once he has it, of course, he is happy for it. But when he loses it, he has no interest in taking it back. Spike, on the other hand, has his soul restored. He resolves to search it on his own initiative because he wants to get better. He is willing to face trials that will test his physical and emotional resolve for it because he wants to be a good man. Angel’s soul is meant to be a punishment. Spike’s soul is meant to be a blessing. So, if they are both to be compared and judged, it has to be under the same terms. Just like Buffy does in the show. So they are either judged as separate entities (with and without a soul), or as a whole.

Taking all of this into account, I think it’s safe to say Spike and Buffy are on the long run a much better suited pair, because their relationship is much more mature and developed. They’re based on open, serious conversation, and mutual agreement and compromise, as love should be. Both Spike and Angel (that is, Spike and Angel with a soul) are good, healthy love interests for Buffy, but Angel’s relationship is much less mature and developed. Angel wants to protect her and preserve her, while Spike wants to support her and let her grow. One is a relationship from her teenage years, when she was still growing to be the person she was to become; while the other is a relationship developed throughout different stages in which they have both come to know each other fully well at their worst and their best.

Angel will always be Buffy’s first love and first soulmate. It will always be true love. And they will always have a deep, unique connection. But Spike is her true love soulmate, and to a much deeper level, because just as they reach the point of becoming the man and woman they were meant to be, they are there for each other to have the relationship and love they were both meant to find.

If you read this whole uncalled for reflection, you deserve a cookie and all my love.

[izzielizzie]

Now I’ve Seen You I’ve Seen It All Chapter Four

this took forever but i hope it’s worth the wait!!!

(chapter one)

(chapter two)

(chapter three)

“I can’t believe our parents just… left each other,” Ellen whispers later that night. Their mutual dislike long forgotten, the two girls had worked together to push two beds together, where they now lay, side by side. 

“You can’t?” Ali asks after a moment, startled by the conversation change. They had been discussing the merits of the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show both girls love despite the fact that they are probably a little too young to be watching it.  

“You can?” Ellen counters.

Ali props herself on her elbow, looking down at her sister as she shakes her hair back. “Yeah I mean we didn’t get along did we? Like daughters like parents right?”

“I don’t believe that’s the saying.”

“Oh shut up,” Ali says, laying back down.

They lapse into a peaceful silence, nearly drifting to sleep until Ellen bolts upright.

“Something wrong there El?” Ali asks, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

“I was just thinking-”

“Did it hurt?”

Ellen swats at her sister. “I was just thinking that we look identical right?”

Ali shrugs. “More or less, yeah.”

“And if we look identical, Mom and Dad wouldn’t be able to tell us apart if we switched right?”

“Ellen, are you saying we should… switch places?”

Ellen waves her hands around like she’s had a brilliant idea as Ali sits up to look at her sister. “That’s exactly what I’m saying Ali! Okay, think about it. We look identical, we could pull it off.”

Ali looks, understandably, very confused. “How?”

Ellen’s face falls. “Well… figuring that out is the next step… obviously.”

Ali smiles. “I wouldn’t mind it,” she says thoughtfully.

“Wait really? I had a good idea?”

Ali laughs and nudges Ellen’s shoulder. “Yeah, little sis, you did.”

“I’m older,” Ellen says. 

“Are you sure about that?”

Ellen seems to be considering this, so Ali continues talking. “I mean, if we were hypothetically going to do this- hypothetically!” Ali adds quickly as Ellen perks up. “How would it work? I take the plane to Connecticut, you go home with Dad?”

“Yep,” Ellen says.

“But… isn’t it risky?”

“What do you mean?” Ellen asks, sitting up and tucking her legs under her. Ali does the same. She waves her arms around for a moment, finding the right words.

“I mean I have a strawberry allergy. What if Mom gives me something with strawberries that she knows you can eat and then I eat it and I die?”

“You do realize that people invented this thing called an EpiPen?” Ellen asks.

“Yeah, well sometimes they go missing when they’re needed.”

Ellen rolls her eyes. “Come on Ali please this is my only chance to meet Dad. And you want to meet Mom right?”

“Right.”

“So then we’ll do it for a… for a month! Yeah, we’ll switch for a month and then on a predetermined day we’ll tell the truth.”

“And then they’ll have to unswitch us,” Ali says, slowly catching on to what Ellen has been trying to say.

“And then they’ll meet. Aunt Maeve said they still love each other right? Then they’ll get married and we won’t be separated. See? Ali, we have to do this.”

Ali licks her lip and nods slowly. “Okay. Yeah I can see where you’re coming from.”

Ellen grins. “And of course we’ll tell each other everything we need to know: rituals, bed times, favorite books and movies, stuff like that.”

“Yeah.” Ali runs her hands through her hair and then freezes.

“What is it?”

“Ellen, I have long hair. And pierced ears.”

Ellen has neither. 

“So?”

So?” Ali repeats. “You can’t go to camp with short hair and unpierced ears and come back with long hair and pierced ears.”

“Why not?”

Ali gives Ellen a look.

“Okay, okay. I can cut your hair, right?”

“What?” Ali asks, staring at her sister in surprise. “You can’t just… cut my hair… Can you?”

“Of course I can. My Aunt Keely does it all the time. It’s easy.” Ellen says this with confidence she does not have, her desperation to meet her father overriding her usually ample logic. 

Ali bites her lip and then nods. “Okay, fine, go ahead.”

With a giggle, Ellen jumps out of the bed. 

“Wait, now?” Ali asks, scrambling out of the bed after her sister.

“No better time than the present!” Ellen sings as she rifles through her stuff for a scissor.

“Oh boy,” Ali mutters and Ellen pulls out a pair of scissors from her bag - why Ellen has scissors Ali doesn’t want to know.

“Okay now just sit in front of the mirror and just… hold still.”

Ali does as she’s told, staring at her waist length hair in the cracked mirror. She spies Ellen approaching her from behind and shrieks. Ellen shrieks in response and jumps back.

“What? What!”

“Sorry, nothing, it’s just, should I really be trusting you with scissors?” Ali turns around to face her sister.

Ellen sighs and puts her hands on her hips. “If you must know, I cut the ribbon at my school’s playground opening ceremony last year. I’m kind of a scissor expert.”

Ali makes a face. “Please don’t ever say that again. God, you're going to be eaten alive in high school.”

Ellen ignores her sister, turning her back to face the mirror. Ellen holds up a lock of Ali’s hair, positions the scissors, and then pauses. “What? What is it?” Ali asks.

“I can’t do this if you’re watching me. Maybe you should close your eyes?”

Ali sighs. “Fine. Fine but if you mess it up…” Ali trails off, leaving the threat hanging. 

Ellen gulps. “I will not. I promise. Just close your eyes.”

Ali closes her eyes, and Ellen, after measuring the length of her hair in the mirror, cuts a lock of Ali’s hair. Then another. Then another, and soon both girls relax. Ellen makes the last cut, and steps back to examine her work.

“Uh, oh,” she mutters. During the fifteen minutes it took for Ellen to cut Ali’s hair, Ali had started to slowly tilt her head, causing Ellen to misjudge how much hair she was cutting. The resulting look is rather… slanted, with one end half an inch above Ali’s shoulder, and the other end halfway down her back. 

“What? Are you done? Can I look now?”

“Um, no. Not yet. Actually, um, want to go for an adventure?”

“Ellen? What? I’m gonna open my eyes.”

“No, no!” Ellen cries, lunging forward to grab Ali’s beanie from her bed. She picks it up, and in one deft motion she twists the remains of Ali’s hair into a knot and stuffs the beanie onto Ali’s head. 

“Ellen what in the world?”

“Nothing! Nothing, come let’s show your hair to Aunt Maeve!”

“At two in the morning?”

“Yes. Come.”

“I’m looking at my hair,” Ali says, and before Ellen can stop her, Ali opens her eyes, pulls off the hat, and shrieks - again. Ellen flinches. “Ellen what did you do?” Ali asks, turning back to look at her sister. Ellen puts her hands to her mouth.

“Oh I don’t know. I’m sorry!”

“Sorry! Ellen, I look awful!”

“I know, I know!” Ellen cries. “Come on, can we just let Aunt Maeve fix it?”

Ali nods. “Okay fine, but you are never coming near me with a pair of scissors again, understood?”

Ellen laughs. “Deal.”

“Girls, what?” a very tired Maeve asks as she opens the door to her cabin.

“God why do kids never just sleep when they’re supposed to?” Luis asks, running his hand through his hair as he steps behind his wife. 

“We had an emergency,” Ellen informs her aunt and uncle.

“Oh have we gone back to murdering each other?” Luis asks. Maeve turns around to give him her very best “shut up or else” look. 

“Well, no. Maybe you should just look.”

Ellen steps to the side to allow Ali to be seen. Maeve looks at Ali’s hair and does a double take. Luis has to duck back into the cabin to hide his laughter. “Ali, what in the world?” Maeve asks, her husband’s laughter almost drowning her out. She reaches a hand out to run her hand through the long part of Ali’s hair.

“Um…” Ali says. 

“Ali fell,” Ellen says confidently. Maeve stares at her for a moment before deciding that sometimes a lie is better than the truth.

“Right. And, I assume you want me to fix this?”

Both Ali and Ellen nod, Ali’s panicked expression bordering on hysterical. 

Maeve sighs and pulls the door open further. “Come on in, girls.”

“Okay now, unpin the next layer of hair. Yeah, just like that.” In her defense, Keely really took being FaceTimed at ten in the morning by Maeve Santos because she needed instructions on how to cut hair pretty well. Even if she was late for work. Keely nods as she watches Maeve do as she’s told, combing Ali’s hair down and snipping off the ends. “So, what time is it over there?”

“Two. In the morning,” Luis grumbles from his spot on the bed, Ellen happily in his lap. 

Keely raises her eyebrows, nodding at her phone, the ghost of a laugh on her face. “So, it really looks like you take after your father, huh Ali?”

Ali smiles at the pretty lady on the other end of her newfound aunt’s phone. She’s not quite sure what to say, but if she’s Addy’s wife then she must be thousands of shades of perfect. 

Keely tilts her head. “But you’ve got Bronwyn’s looks I think.”

“Spitting image of Bron,” Maeve agrees as she spins Ali around to look at the front of her face. “What do you think, Ellen? Beautiful or what?”

“Or what,” Ellen mumbles, eyes fluttering closed.

“Ellen.”

“Okay, okay, she looks like me.”

“She does,” Keely agrees from the phone. 

Ellen perks up suddenly, remembering the reason for this adventure in the first place. “Uncle Luis, will you take me to get my ears pierced tomorrow?”

Maeve looks over at her niece, recognition dawning in her eyes. She looks at her husband, who, as always, is on the same page as her. Those clever girls. Maeve smiles to herself as she waves goodbye to Keely and hangs up her phone. 

“Sure, I’d be happy to Ellen,” Luis says, grinning at his wife. 

“Yeah, he has to get clothes for Nick anyway, he’s growing like crazy.”

Ellen grins. “Thanks!”

“Any time. Oh also Ellen, did you know that Ali’s full name is Alejandra?”

“No, I didn’t,” Ellen says to her aunt, looking at her sister. 

Luis shakes his head at Maeve, but she just grins back. If the girls insist on trading places, they might as well know each other’s full names.

An hour later, Maeve and Luis carry the girls back to their cabin with the promise of a trip into town to pierce Ellen’s ears.

“These girls are insane,” Luis says quietly. 

“Well, they are Bronwyn and Nate’s daughters,” Maeve says as she gently puts Ali down on her bed. Luis does the same with Ellen, and they slowly back out of the cabin, shutting the door behind them.

“And your nieces.”

Maeve looks up at him. “Are you calling me insane Santos?”

“Always, Maevey.”

Maeve laughs and tucks herself into Luis’s side. He kisses the top of her head. “Do you think Bronwyn and Nate will forgive me for what those two are about to do?” Maeve didn’t need to ask her nieces to know that they were planning on switching places. She would have done the same thing at their age. 

“Not at all.”

“But hopefully they’ll be too in love to notice me?”

Luis laughs as he stops to catch Maeve in his arms and swing her around. “Keep dreaming girl.”

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching Dead Man’s Blood

Welcome to “Machete Size Apparently Matters: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

 Up today, s1e20: Dead Man’s Blood

 An old hunter is attacked and killed by a group of vampires. When Sam and Dean go to investigate, they run into John, who shares that the vamps stole an old Colt from the hunter that can kill “anything.” The boys and John team up (not without some serious friction) to try to clear out the vamp nest and steal the gun. John thinks the Colt is finally the answer to how to kill the demon who killed Mary. Bring a machete because there’s lots of fraught to hack through in this one. Plus, it’s handy for beheading vampires.

 Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here.  Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

 Lor:

 grrrrrr

 Mace:

 ugh, I have an actual, visceral reaction when Sam calls him Sir.

 Lor:

 RIGHT?

Mace:

 How fun would it have been to be in the prop dept and help make those hunting journals?!

 Lor:

 YES

 Mace:

 If we ever cosplay the boys together, we NEED to make one

 Lor:

 OMG

that would be SO COOL

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

 Dean and his newspaper

 Mace:

 YES

 "boys, we're eating in tonight" if any vampire actually said that, the others would sooo make fun of them, honestly

 Lor:

hahahaha right?

 Mace:

 Aw, Dean wants Sammy to have a girlfriend

 Lor:

 yeah

 "or oops I spilled the popcorn salt"

 Mace:

 HA!

...

now I want popcorn

 Lor:

 LOLOLOLOL

YEP

 do they keep Elkins's journal? I don't think anyone ever mentions it again, but jeez, take that with you

 Mace:

 Oooh, excellent question! I don't know. Maybe there's a CODE and you don't touch another man's journal unless he says it's okay...

 Lor:

 oooo maybe

 Mace:

 SMARTY DEAN MAKING A SQUEEZE

 Lor:

 god, Dean pressing the paper down into the blood so it doesn't move

 Mace:

 yep

 FUCK YOU JOHN

 Lor:

 FUCK OFF, JOHN, jeeeeesus

 Mace:

 Sammy smells the bullshit that John came for this dead friend but keeps away from his own sons

 Lor:

 YEP

 apparently he didn't teach you not to knock on the window like that and scare the crap out of your kids

 Mace:

 YEP

 Aha! John isn't there because of his dead friend but for the fucking gun

 Lor:

 YEP

 Mace:

 I forget that they've not encountered vampires yet

 Lor:

 he THouGhT tHeY wERe EXtinCT

 yeah

 Mace:

  (Buffy would kick John's ass so hard)

 Lor:

 I feel like he isn't even that good at his job

 (YES)

 Mace:

 NOPE

I mean, there's no evidence that he is. He's well known to demons not for his own sake but because of his sons

 Lor:

 yeah

 Mace:

 Makes Dean's worship of him that much more tragically skewed

 Lor:

 I think maybe some people say he is? but also he seems to have had a falling out with... everyone

 yeah

 Mace:

 OHO, don't question dad, Sammy

FUUUUUCK YOU JOHN

 Lor:

 and the way he doesn't tell them ANYTHING

 Mace:

 YEP

 you know, I kind of love this idea now, that John actually isn't anything special at all.

 Lor:

 god he does things to make them feel SMALL. i HATE him

 Mace:

 OH FUCK YOU SO HARD JOHN DO NOT TALK ABOUT BABY LIKE THAT

 Lor:

 ooo YES

 Mace:

 YESYESYES

 Lor:

 RIGHT?

 Dean loves that car like it is HIMSELF don't be such a JERK

 oh, Sam is driving

 Mace:

 Sam is the chosen one for the yellow eyed war, Dean is chosen by Chuck, ffs. They're the ones that matter. John is in fact nothing. and maybe he senses that and it bothers him

 Lor:

 ooooo

 Mace:

 oh submissive DEAN

 Lor:

 YEP

 do you hear that, John? revenge isn't worth much if you end up dead

OR YOUR KIDS DO

 Mace:

 YUP

 Ooooh, angry Sammy

I LOVE IT

 Lor:

 YES

 poor Dean, getting between them

 Mace:

 yeah

 "and I said no" YAS SAMMY

 Lor:

 YAAAS

 Mace:

 but poor Dean saying "stop it, both of you"

 Lor:

 yeah

 oh Dean. I just want to wrap him in blankets. this isn't supposed to be your job, baby

 Mace:

 yeah

 vampires just shouldn't be skanky

 it's wrong

 Lor:

 no

like, they are immortal, why are they living in a crap barn being crappy?

 Mace:

 right?!

 Lor:

 FUCK YOU JOHN. FUCK YOU AND YOUR BIGGER MACHETE

 Mace:

 YUP

 Lor:

 so I will never watch it again, so I'll never know I guess, but is the barn in 327 supposed to be this barn?

 Mace:

 no idea

stupid 327

WHO CARES

 Lor:

 i suppose knowing where they're both set would help

but that's Jenny, right? the woman they turned?

 Mace:

 yeah? is she in the last ep? I have blocked most of it from memory

 Lor:

 yeah, she's the like head vampire of the nest they're fighting in that one

 Mace:

 ah

 "you gotta understand something: I'm a raging douchebag."

 Lor:

 HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 you became their abuser

 Mace:

 YUP

 Lor:

 it never occurred to him what Sam wanted? JESUS

 Mace:

 yeah

 my god, Jared has a gorgeous smile

 Lor:

 YES

 I do love that they frame Sam as the one who is like John

 Mace:

 yeah that's clever

 Lor:

 "you know what to do" and then cut to Dean as bait

I HATE HIM

 Mace:

 YEP

 Lor:

 and it's sexualized too

 Mace:

 of course it is

 Lor:

 YES DEAN

 omg the way his voice breaks

 Mace:

 YAS

 Lor:

 the way Sam yells at John and Dean pleads with him

 Mace:

 yeah

 Lor:

 that's probably personality difference, but I wonder if it's also partly bc Dean remembers when John wasn't like this

 Mace:

 hm, maybe

i lean more toward personality

 Lor:

 yeah I think I do too, honestly

 I don't like the way he's dealing with these vampires either. like, it's almost cruel

the rope? using the feelings they have for each other against them? gross, John

 Mace:

 hm. yeah, but I think sam and dean do similar things, no?

we just hate John

 Lor:

 I am conveniently forgetting that fact

 Mace:

 Ha! I suspected as much

 Lor:

 lol

 Mace:

 oooh rebel Dean I LOVE IT

 Lor:

 "I am?"

 YES

 [after the episode ended]

Lor:

I feel like there was a lot of vampire lore in there they abandon after this ep

 Mace:

yeah? I can’t keep track

we really don’t see a lot of vampires

that one really old dude

and a couple of eps here and there

 Lor:

 yeah

The vamps’ eyes do a thing in this one I don’t think we see again? and that stuff about a vampire once getting your scent never leaving you alone. and the herbs stuff so they can’t smell you

yeah, they aren’t around super a lot

 Mace:

 ah yeah, I think you’re right about that

 Lor:

 but there’s the whole Gordon thing. and then that nest Dean is a part of for a hot second in S6

 Mace:

 Oh I forgot about that

and BENNY HOW COULD I FORGET BENNY

 Lor:

  Mace:

 I’m so sorry, teddy bear. hold it against me

 Lor:

 HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[winifredsandersonsbitch]

“Compromise”

Spike x Summers! Reader

Warnings: language, make out scene, implied sex, nothing more than PG-13

Description: You hate bullies. Always have. You and Spike get into it when he continues joking about murdering your friends.

“Don’t go.”

You’re tangled up on the crypt’s couch after a long day of you studying and Spike trying to distract you from studying, but now your homework’s finished and it’s time for you to meet the gang at the Bronze.

“You could come with me,” you say, pushing him off of you lightly and standing up. Your notes and textbooks are littered across the floor from some unconventional study methods that took place earlier in the day, and you kneel to scoop them into your backpack.

Spike spreads out on the couch in the space you’ve left behind. “No thanks, love. I can barely keep myself from biting them now, even with the bloody chip. If Buffy and Riley make eyes at each other one more time in my presence, I might have to go for the jugular.”

It’s a small comment, no worse than some of the other things he’s said about them, but it rubs you the wrong way. It’s not so much that you thought he would stop hating your friends once you got together as you thought he would respect you enough to not hate them so loudly.

Your textbook thumps to the floor as you straighten, scowling. “Listen, I know you don’t like the Scoobies, but they’re my friends. You don’t have to come with me, but you can’t talk about them like that.”

Spike blinks at you. Then a slow grin slithers across his face. His fingers wrap around your wrist, drawing you toward his lap. “Hey, don’t be jealous. You know that if I got to bite anyone, you’d be my first—”

You yank out of his grip and pull on the straps of your backpack. “It’s not funny. Everyone else I’ve dated has gotten along fine with my friends. I mean, sure, they’ve noticed that Buffy gets into a lot of fights and Willow is into some darker stuff, but they would never try to isolate me from them. They’d make an effort, because they knew it was important to me.”

“Well, I’m not like everyone else you’ve dated, am I?” He gestures to the crypt, to his incisors. “The Slayer and I are natural enemies, in case you’ve forgotten. And by extension, her friends are my enemies, too.”

“And by extension,” you mimic, drawing your vowels out too much in a clumsy attempt at his accent. “So am I.”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?” Your hands are planted on your hips now. You still have to change clothes and drop your backpack off at the house, so you’re definitely going to be late, but this conversation has been building up for awhile. You’re glad, in a sort of angry spiteful way, that it’s finally out in the open. “Because Buffy, Dawn, and I are blood. You can’t separate us. And you wanting to, that’s not love. That’s possession.”

He sits up at that, and you backpedal, taking two steps toward the door. You’re not afraid of him, but you are afraid of what he’s going to say. Of how you’ll respond. Blood is rushing to your head, making you rash. Despite the cold of the mausoleum, you’re red hot.

“So now you don’t think I love you?”

The words hang between you, thickening the air with heat and tension. His sleeves are rolled to his forearms and you can see his veins pop slightly when his fist clenches. He’s trying to keep calm, but it’s a struggle for him. It reminds you of just how quickly the tables could turn if he ever gets the chip out.

“You treat me like a man,” he says, after a beat too long of silence. “And I’m not talking about the little bit. I’m talking about them.” He spits the word out like it’s poisonous, like he needs to get the taste it leaves out of his mouth.

“Maybe they’d be more likely to treat you like a man if you stopped being such a—”

No. You can’t go there. You won’t come back from it.

You suck in a deep breath, square your shoulders.

“I don’t want to fight,” you say, even though you really, really do. Both of you have been itching for it. Things have been almost domestic lately, which would be nice if you hadn’t spent the past few years always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You don’t know what to do with comfortable. Neither does he. “I’m going to go meet the others at the Bronze. I’ll see you later.”

“Fine.” He picks the remote off the coffee table and flicks the TV on, drowns out your footsteps with a crime show that opens with gunshots, makes you flinch.

Outside the crypt, you pull a stake from your bag and begin your walk home. You’re not worried about anything attacking you. You’re angry enough to hold your own. But you’re also not stupid, and it would suck if your night out was interrupted by another kidnapping. After you stop by the house to slip into something less comfortable, you go straight for the club.

The building is crowded with sweaty teenagers. The band on stage tonight is a good one and the music is so loud that you can hear it thrumming in your chest, taste it in your mouth. You dance your way through the throng to your friends’ table. Xander, Anya, Willow, Tara, and Dawn are squished around a formica top, laughing and drinking and having such a good time that your bad mood dissipates. You pull up a stool and Xander wraps an arm over your shoulder.

“We were starting to think you weren’t coming,” Xander says. He’s got a fruity cocktail in front of him that makes you smile.

“I got a little held up. I’m going to get a drink. Does anyone else want anything?”

“I’ll take a margarita,” Dawn says hopefully, and you narrow your eyes until she revises. “A coke would be good.”

“Uh huh.”

You drape your jacket over your stool and stand back up. On your way to the bar, you spot Buffy and Riley on the dance floor. They look a little stiff, but you’re proud of them for making an effort. Things between them have been tense ever since Faith slept with him.

Thinking of Faith makes your need for a drink extra strong. You throw back a shot at the bar and then get another to go, almost forgetting to grab Dawn’s soda. The bartender is flirty tonight. He’s cute, clean-cut. You’ve seen him around before, always hard at work, making people laugh with his jokes and getting them to open up. If you didn’t have Spike, you’d take the number he slides your way. As it is, you shake your head and smile.

“Sorry,” you say, and he seems to understand, going back to mixing drinks and chatting up customers. It’s nice, to have someone take your no at face-value for once.

When you get back to the table, you’re surprised to see Spike in your spot. Even though his discomforted expression verges on constipated, he’s carrying on a conversation with Xander. Well, they’re bickering, but you know for a fact that Spike could be a lot more cutting if he wanted to.

You slide Dawn’s coke across to her and flick Xander’s ear when he insults your boyfriend.

“Hey!” He clasps his hand to the reddened cartilage and Anya rubs his shoulder soothingly, although the corners of her lips twitch.

The aren’t any chairs left and the table isn’t all that big anyway, so you stay standing, watching Spike’s face intently when your sister launches into a story about a friend of a friend at school who swears the girls’ bathroom is haunted. He’s nodding in all the right places, interjecting with “bullshit!” and “bloody hell!” to egg her on. He’s laying it on a bit thick, really, but it warms you better than the alcohol.

Dawn’s eating it up, though. She’s not often the center of attention for anything mundane. It’s always about her being the key, never about her as a person. Xander’s rolling his eyes at Spike’s sudden rapt attention, but you think it’s sweet.

When Tara makes a joke that no one else gets, Spike booms with laughter. When Willow goes off on a tangent about her computer class, he almost nods his head off. Finally, the group dissolves as Xander and Anya sneak off to have sex and Willow and Tara twirl on the dance floor.

You stay with Dawn, unwilling to leave her on her own with Glory around. Spike keeps the conversation flowing, but his questions about school are clumsy and his small talk is bumbling. It’s endearing for awhile, how little he understands today’s education system, but you turn the topic to generalities when Dawn kicks you under the table. She respects Spike, in her own strange way, and she’ll be embarrassed if he knows how poorly she’s doing.

Then it’s all favorite movies and gossip and dirty jokes, keeping the conversation light even as you have to shout to be heard over the music. You don’t even tell him off when he details one of his old world murders to Dawn, figuring that she’ll hear—and see—worse in her lifetime.

When Buffy and Riley come back to the table for a breather, the awkwardness creeps back in. After Spike flounders for the fourth time while trying to find a safe ground to land on, with Buffy and Riley both giving him the stink eye, you drag him off to a more secluded spot under the stairs.

“I promise I wasn’t trying to offend Sargeant Square,” Spike says, holding up his hands. “I thought everyone liked to bitch about work. I didn’t know he had been demoted.”

Instead of answering, you rise up on your tiptoes and press a kiss to his mouth. His hands cup your cheeks automatically, but before he can pull you into something more heated, you lean back.

“I want to say thank you, before I forget,” you say. You wrap your arms around his waist, slip a hand into his back pocket teasingly. “And I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t do it for them.” His fingers trail down your neck, tangle briefly in your hair, squeeze your curves. Everyone’s too drunk to notice or care what you’re doing, so you allow it. “I still don’t like them.”

“That’s okay. We’ll work our way up to that.” He rolls his eyes, but he’s not in a bad mood, so you push your luck with a cheeky smile. “I can’t be your only friend.”

He scoffs. “I have lots of friends. You’ve just— you’ve never met them, because they’re dangerous.”

This strikes you as funny and you kiss him again, longer this time. Being here under the stairs, buzzed, wearing an outfit that’s maybe slightly too revealing, finding a slice of peace in the middle of a war, it’s all so good. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but you’re so happy. You need to tell him something, but you don’t know if you have the words to convey exactly what you want. You try anyway.

“The bartender hit on me earlier.”

Spike grins unexpectedly. His teeth seem very sharp. You’re worried he might have eaten the man somehow when you weren’t looking when he says, “I saw.”

“I want you to know I didn’t—” You’re not drunk, certainly not drunk from only two drinks even though they were Bronze strength, but it takes you a minute. “Guys like that used to be my type. But I didn’t even think about it. I only want you.”

“That’s the only reason why I didn’t kill him. That and the chip.”

“That’s not funny,” you say, but he’s holding you in his arms and smiling down at you like he’s going to swallow you whole and it is, a little, because for the first time you’re sure he doesn’t mean it. He trusts you. And you trust him.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t protest when he leaves to go buy you another drink.

[herinsectreflection]

I really like Help. I like that it's basic premise is "Buffy has to save a younger version of herself". Because Cassie really is a mini-Buffy. She's a blonde teen with secret mystical powers and a fated short lifespan. She has divorced parents (and specifically a mostly absent father) and a small friend group of outcasts. She even expresses a love of ice skating - something Buffy also loved when she was young but had to give up. Just look at her speech in this episode compared to one of Buffy’s most iconic lines in Becoming.

“You think I want this? You think I don't care? Believe me, I want to...be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff. I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.” - Cassie, ‘Help’

“Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would *love* to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again.” - Buffy, ‘Becoming’

There’s also an echo of Prophecy Girl, with Cassie/Buffy’s youthful desires being juxtaposed against the supposed certainty of her death. In fact the whole episode feels like echoes of the “high school years”. The main plot is “a group of frat boys try to sacrifice Cassie to a demon in exchange for money and power”, which is literally the exact plot of Reptile Boy. The ice skating line evokes What’s My Line. Buffy as a councillor makes us think of Beauty and the Beasts, (or any of the high school teachers who appear once to be nice to Buffy, so the episode can kill them off horribly later). Buffy as a character has now grown up and has swapped sides of the desk, now an authority figure talking to teenagers, and the show has swapped perspectives too - echoing and commenting on its own past self. The early seasons are now haunting the latest one.

There’s an interesting thread in S7 around being haunted by the people you couldn’t save. Those people are the villains in Lessons, Conversations with Dead People is built around this idea, it’s a major component of Robin’s character. It’s what the First does all season - appear as people Buffy couldn’t save, or as Buffy herself. So Cassie represents a kind of prequel version of that idea. She is the person Buffy will not be able to save - the same theme, at a different point in the timestream. She especially evokes memories of Joyce - the ultimate example of someone Buffy was powerless to save - with her death being a mundane medical emergency. On first watch, she’s a tragic figure. On rewatch, she’s walking dramatic irony. Cassie herself constantly tells us that she cannot be saved, yet we and Buffy are surprised when that turns out to be true. Buffy is trapped between the past and the future, unable to save people in either direction. 

I think I finally get why Cassie was used as The First in CWDP. I kind of always assumed it was just a “grab any actress available on short notice” thing after Amber Benson refused the role. But now I realise she’s kind of the perfect choice. As I mentioned, The First always appears as either a person Buffy was unable to save, or as Buffy herself. Cassie is both of those things. She’s every innocent victim who dies during the course of every episode of Buffy. She’s also a brave young woman with mystical powers who is aware of her own forthcoming premature death. I kind of wish she had stuck around and played The First through the rest of the season instead of forcing SMG to work double-time, because she represents a perfect mirror image to Buffy, perhaps more than any other dead character could be (except maybe Kendra, but that’s a complaint for another day).