#There are three things about his tweets that amuse me:

[cant-get-enough-btr-forever]

Logan Mitchell + Logan Henderson's tweets

(Big Time Incorrect Quotes/Text Posts #55)

Sources: [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x], [x]

[shurisneakers]

unsolved (vi)

Summary: Bucky doesn't even believe in the paranormal. So who the hell thought it was a good idea to stick him in a series about everything haunted for the internet's amusement? With his loose-canon of a teammate who has no concept of subtlety or shits left to give, to make things even worse. (Buzzfeed unsolved AU)

Warnings: swearing, frustrated bucky, obnoxious reader, mentions of hauntings and the paranormal.

A/N: i need to start editing beforehand this series honestly takes to long to edit omg this was supposed to come out 2 hours ago. also thanks so much to @ginevranights for the one tweet in here, and @thebisexual-disaster for calling bucky babygirl because it was incredibly funny to me

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Everyone is besotted with the cat.

It makes sense– everyone hates Bucky and will dance with glee upon his downfall. This is all his opinion, of course. The truth is that it is a cat and exists and everyone is thrilled. 

Sensing his awful vibes towards her and the constant suspicion he thinks of her with, she decides she likes sitting outside his room at the early hours of the morning and screaming for him to open up.

Once he does, she strolls in leisurely, takes a look around and then strolls back out. Everyday. On the clock. An alarm clock that will cough up a hairball in front of his door should he not open it to her. 

Also turns out she doesn’t have brown spots, the cat was just dirty. She’s pure white and you’ve taken to calling her something to do with snow or blizzards or something. 

She is his mortal enemy. Bucky doesn’t stop to think that his biggest problem being a feud with a cat is possibly an indication that his life has gotten significantly better. 

As with every week, you bang on his door on Friday morning.

Bucky, who's just fallen asleep after the stupid cat ceremoniously woke him up that morning, does not find this ritual as entertaining as you do, but his opinion has rarely held weightage in matters such as his sanity or his sleep schedule. 

He does considr for a whole day that you and the cat are in cahoots to ensure he is as miserable as possible. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility– Sam talked to birds or and Clint talked to lizards or whatever.

You yell something incomprehensible to him. Bucky yells something back. The world keeps spinning, nothing changes.

Other than the sinking feeling on his chest, that was a bit more pronounced than usual, to the point where it’s a bit hard to breathe.

He pries open one eye, ready to name five things he sees, four things he hears, three things he touches.

The stupid cat smacks him in the face. 

He shoves her off his torso, and along with her, the sinking feeling also reduces. 

After a very useful day of staying in bed no less than three attempts to get back to sleep, Bucky sneaks out of the tower when dusk begins to fall to hopefully get some rest on the park’s grass.  

It’s a nice evening out, the sky was painted a burnt orange, and the air wasn’t too chilly. He could even stop for a burger on the way back to top off a lovely nap. 

But even a gorgeous sunset is not enough to distract him from his heightene awareness going off.

From the corner of his eye, he sees a black van trailing slowly behind him.

He picks up the pace, jogging past a street food vendor and a newspaper stand, and the van only speeds up to keep up.

Soon enough, Bucky breaks into a sprint, ducking into an alleyway and waiting until the van drives past him before stalking back out, eyes vigilant.

Whatever. Stalker be damned, he was going to go to the fucking park. And get a burger. 

But the second he makes a turn on the street corner, the same black van pulls right up to him, not leavning even two feet of space between it and him.

Bucky, annoyed and with 80 years worth of boredom with this schtick, scowls as he yanks open the damn door, ready to just punch and move on with his day.

“Get in loser, we’re going out,” you call from the driver’s seat.

He growls, letting the handle go. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I literally told you in the afternoon that I’m picking you up and you starting running from me, you baboon,” you exclaim. “Is that what you’re wearing in this video? Did you not do your laundry?”

Alright, so maybe it was on him to figure out what you actually yelled at him through the door earlier in the day. That doesn’t stop him.

Nostrils flaring, he continues to ignore you. “Who the fuck does this? Why do you have a van?”

“Style,” you insist. “We’re gonna be late, now come on. We’re leaving.”

Sensing that this conversation had reached a standstill, Bucky employs his next best technique.

“Where?” he demands.

“You’ll find out when we get there. Now get in,” you pat the spot next to you before pulling up your phone. “We’ll get there in about an hour–”

“No.”

Your neck cranes slowly to look at him incredulously. “The fuck you mean ‘no’?”

“You could be kidnapping me.” He stands with his arms crossed, tone defiant. 

“Right,” you snort. “You seen yourself? Food laws say I need a cooling truck to transport that much beef around.”

Bucky feels his mouth opening and shutting almost immediately, a strange feeling creeping into the tips of his ears.   

He clears his throat. “I’m not getting in the car unless you tell me where we’re going.”

“I’m not fuckin’ kidnapping you Bucky,” you say, loudly. “And even if I wanted to do it– which I don’t, because you can be so annoying sometimes– you’d never see it coming.” 

“How would I know?” He’s offended that you only think he’s annoying sometimes when he’s been working very hard to make sure it’s a constant feature of his. “Who’s to say there’s not some guy in there with a gun–”

“A gun wouldn’t do shit when you’re so thick in the head–”

“And then SHIELD’s gonna have to shell out the ransom–”

“SHIELD would pay them to keep you.” 

“Oh, so you are kidn–”

“Get in the car,” you say loudly before sitting upright, and turning your attention to the windshield again. “Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.”

He narrows his eyes at you grabbing the steering wheel, while your telekinesis moves to close the door on him.  

Bucky sticks his metal hand between the door and the car, and pries it back open before climbing in. 

“Now what,” he mumbles, arms still crossed over his chest like he’s throwing a tantrum. He even refuses to put the seatbelt. Rebellion. 

You don’t answer, and the car doesn’t move.

When he looks over at you, you have a triumphant, smug smile on your face.  

“What,” he bites. 

You tsk. “Reverse psychology. Always works with children.”

Bucky immediately grabs at the handle, but the locks immediately click into place and you step on the pedal and send the van flying down the road before he has a chance to throw himself out. 

The car pulls up to a mansion. 

All the windows are closed and covered in newspaper, giving him no indication as to what was inside. The lawn was mostly brown, with weeds taking up more space than grass and dead flowers lining the fence. 

“There’s gotta be like 5 bedrooms in that thing,” you note, as you both make your way towards it. “How many ghosts do you think are in there?”

“Zero,” Bucky states plainly. 

You continue to talk like he doesn’t exist. “A house that big, there’s gotta be a ghost butler in there. Maybe a ghost maid.”

“None.”

“Five ghost maids, one for every room, and maybe a cook–”

Bucky starts speed walking, leaving you behind to admire the structure looming over the both of you, only illuminated by the streetlights outside.  

Bucky knocks hard on the door, annoyed that it was getting colder and that he was stuck in his stupid running shorts in a house that definitely had no heating for the evening. 

Eventually, you end up beside him, talking as he keeps his sight fixed right ahead. 

Checking your phone to confirm the address, you mumble absentmindedly to him, “This kid tweeted us like fifteen times in the last week, this is gonna be a sick surprise. I love meeting my fa–”

“A surprise?” Bucky jerks his head towards you. “You didn’t tell him we’re coming?”

“Well no,” you lower your phone, “because that would give the ghosts some warning and we–”

His eyes nearly bug out of his head. “We can’t just go into some random kid’s house and film–”

“He’s hardly random, he’s been bombarding our inbox–”

Your defence is cut off when the door creaks open painfully, slowly, like it was letting out its last dying breath.

“Woah,” you whisper, eyes wide. “Ghost door.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Bucky mumbles.

“Hello?” you call out.

When no one replies immediately, Bucky shoves his hands into his pockets, ready to leave. 

Instead, you shove him to the side, taking his pace in front of the house. He offers no resistance, only a growl in annoyance. 

You clear your throat, before calling loudly, “Hewwo–”

A dark hooded figure springs out at breakneck speed from behind the door, arms raised high, legs wide. 

You don’t look fazed at all, staying entirely still, only with one eyebrow raised.

“Right,” you say. “You must be Jason.”   

“Yuh,” he answers.  

“Where are your parents?” Bucky demands immediately, choosing to ignore the full body cringe his own words give him. 

“Indianna or something, man. I dunno?” The door trembles open a bit more, giving you a clearer look at the guy. “Do you guys wanna come in? It’s cold.”

You take a step inside the huge foyer, almost steretoypically complete with a cascading staircase and big paintings of people on horses and stuff.

 Jason eventually peels the hoodie away from his face, shoving his arms inside the sleeves and spinning it around so he was wearing it the right way. 

“This is Bucky, by the way,” you introduce before beckoning to the man who had refused to move all this while. “Come on, babygirl.”

Bucky does not look wowed with the theatrics as he stands there, arms folded tight across his magnificent chest. 

Jason looks at you. “Is babygirl coming?”

Bucky inhales sharply while you stifle a laugh. “Do not call me that.”

“Oh, he loves it when people call him that, he’s just super pissy because he didn’t get enough attention today,” you coo. “Get in here Bucky.” 

He glares at you with enough intensity to set the house on fire.   

The kid looks like he’s in his early twenties, with shaggy brown hair that hides sleepy eyes, bad posture and a clean shaven face.. His hoodie is paired with grey sweatpants and yellow flip flops that were about one size too small for him. 

“Why’d you tweet at us?” Bucky questions, wondering what he had to do with anything.  

Jason juts his chin up contemplatively. “What do you guys do again?”

You stare at him to avoid how Bucky was staring at you. 

“We hunt ghosts and help old ladies cross the street.” You flash him a smile. 

“Cool.” Jason nods appreciatively. “I don’t have an old lady here.” 

Your eyebrow twitches. Bucky would have taken great joy in your awkwardness had he not felt entirely exasperated by the whole exchange. 

“Well, Jason, you DM’d us about the ghost in the house,” you communicate even slower. “The one that was being rude?”

“Oh, right,” he drags out. “You’re the people from YouTube. Avengers. I didn't think y’all were real, lol.”

“What the fuck.” Bucky mumbles to himself, because there was no way this guy said ‘LOL’ out loud.  “Did you just invite us inside your house without knowing who we are–”  

“Yes, we’re those people,” you interrupt, pulling out a card from your fucking sleeve. “The Graveyard Shift crew, ready and at your service.”

“Since when do we have business cards?” Bucky presses.

“Ignore him, he’s an intern.” You drop the card onto Jason’s hand. “Anyway, we’re the best rated ghost hunters within a twenty yard radius. Maybe even thirty, but I don't wanna get too ahead of myself.”

“Radical.” He flips the card back and forth without actually reading anything. Bucky wonders if he was looking for pictures. “Aren’t you supposed to have like, tech and people and stuff?”

“Some of us have performance anxiety–” you give Bucky a side eye and he rightfully looks absolutely incensed. “So, I’ve got a camera following us at all times and I’ve got all the tech we need.”

Bucky suddenly feels very aware of something hovering behind him, and it takes an incredible amount of self-restraint to not instinctually slap it out of existence.

He whips around to find a camera floating mid air, aimed directly at him almost like it is waiting for a reaction. While weird, it was still better than the stupid GoPro on his head that elongated his forehead to a sixhead.

“And I’ve got a REM Pod, a spirit box to pick up sounds when they talk to us, a water gun full of assorted waters from different beliefs for one gigantic spirit burning milkshake–” you list rapidly and Bucky cannot even tell where the fuck you’re pulling these things out from. “So, we should be good to go.”

Jason doesn’t look bothered at all, as he drags out, “Cool, lol.”

Bucky almost feels offended on your behalf by the little twerp. 

“Hold this,” you instruct, pressing the spirit box into Bucky's chest without giving him a choice. “Ready whenever you are, but before we start I just wanted to ask– why’d you come to us for help? I’m sure you have plenty of options.”

“Oh,” the guy says, wiping his hands down the side of his sweatpants. “You guys are Avengers and stuff…”

He doesn’t add anything else, watching you both like it was obvious. 

When neither of you offer an answer, he continues “I mean, no one else seemed to like, know kickboxing and shi–”

“I’m sorry– kickboxing?”

“Or like, karate.” He lifted his shoulder in a half shrug. “Whatever you guys are into, I don’t really care what style of combat it is.”

When it finally clicks, Bucky snorts. “You want us to fuckin’ fight your ghost?”

“Yeah, like a punch or something, I guess.” Jason looks too serious. “He’s being a real bitch dick.”

You exhale steadily. “First of all, how do you know it’s a ‘he’?”

Jason shakes his head, and his hair falls directly into his one eye, leaving you to only look at the other. “I’m pretty sure it’s my uncle.”

“Your uncle?” 

“Well yeah,” the guy responds, “this is his house. He built it and decorated it and shit.” 

You stare at him in disbelief. “You didn’t mention that in the brief.”

Bucky looks at you. “You got a brief?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s my uncle’s house, I guess,” Jason continues when you wave Bucky off. “He, like, kicked the bucket a few years ago. Like, totally died off.”

Bucky’s eyebrows knit together. 

“We weren’t, like, close or anything but I guess he didn’t have any other relatives which figures, because he’s a pain in the ass, but I’m the next male heir or whatever, so I got it.”

“Male heir,” Bucky repeats slowly, wondering which fucking TV show he’s walked into.

“A 6BHK in this economy is a fuckin’ castle,” you shush him, turning to Jason again. “Didn’t you bother renovating or anything?”

“Clearly not,” Bucky mumbles, because he may have only known Jason for a grand total of a few minutes, but he really doubts that it was he who picked out redwood furniture and gold trimmings. 

“Nah, I don’t care. I usually spend all day doing gigs at my friend’s house but he told me I can’t keep throwing ragers there every night so I wanna do that here but he’s just being a big baby about it,” he explains all in one breath.

“What gigs?” Bucky asks curiously.

“I’m a DJ who specialises in acoustic EDM,” he says, chest puffing in pride. 

“Of course.” Bucky nods in return. 

Jason turns to you. “Didn’t think you guys were coming, not gonna lie.”

“You just do that whole door opening show to everyone?” you ask, amused.

“Uh, no, I just heard you guys arguing outside and thought it’d be funny,” he says. “I got you guys good, lol.” 

“Well, not me,” you counter, “but Bucky, for sure, pissed his pants a litt–”

“Anyway, here’s the keys. I’m out,” Jason cuts in. “It’s my last three performances at Rick’s house.” 

He tosses the key at babygirl’s Bucky’s chest, who instinctively catches it with ease.  

“You’re just giving us the house for the night?” Bucky stares at him incredulously. 

“Yuh. There’s, like, beer in the fridge if you want. No one delivers here ‘cause someone snitched that this place is haunted, which was kinda fucked. So there’s ramen in the fridge too if you’re hungry.”

“Why is there ramen in–”

“See y’all later, lol,” he takes off without another word. 

Bucky’s left staring after the guy who just strolls down the garden and out the gate without a second look.

“I think I want to adopt him.” Your gaze trails after him, before you crack your knuckles. “Alright. Let’s get this guy’s bitch dick uncle.”

The longer Bucky spends in the house, he can tell with absolute certainty that someone loved this place deeply. It is styled and decorated with the flair of a passion project, even though it currently looked like it dreamed of being a landfill when it grew up. There were cobwebs everywhere and several dust bunnies in every corner, and also many crushed cans of beer all around the floor. 

The previous owner had taste for sure. Bucky’s not sure if he’d appreciate Jason turning it into the newest hotspot for his ragers. Whatever that meant. 

“How long are we going to be here?” he asks, swiping a finger across the table. 

“Why, you got something to do?” you pause before adding, “Or someone to do?”

He sends you a jaded glance. “None of your business.”

“You literally called me the love of your life.” You scoff from your corner of the room. 

“You called yourself that,” Bucky reminds monotonously. 

“And you have never denied it.”

“I’m denying it right no-”

“Bzzt, too late. Anyway,” you announce. “Your hot date will have to be postponed, I fear. We are not leaving until we get some sort of proof.”

“Two hours.” Bucky holds up two dust coated fingers.

“I’ll buy you a pretzel.”

“Three hours.” His middle finger goes up in solidarity. 

You grin. “More than enough. We’re gonna make you a believer, babygirl.”

True, and surprisingly enough, an hour later, his whole life changes. 

“Holy shit,” Bucky can’t quite believe his eyes either, stomach turning. 

“What?” You’re somewhere behind, stupid machine held up as you spin around like a ballerina waiting for something to do something and make a noise or some shit. He doesn’t know. 

Bucky has tucked the spirit box behind his ear like a pencil, arms gripping the doors.

“What the hell,” he trails off slowly, eyes glued to the sight in front of him, hypnotising.

“Did you find something?” you whisper-yell, and the camera whizzes past you into his line of sight.

Bucky swallows the bile in his throat. 

“When he said ramen’s in the fridge, I didn’t think he meant he boiled a fuckin’ bucket full of noodles and just left it in there. What the fuck.” He grabs the aforementioned bucket and lifts it into the air. “Who does this? What the fuck?”

You let out a huff, lightly stomping yor foot. “Be so serious right now.”

“Are you crazy? Look at this.” Bucky spins it around to look at it from every angle. “It’s got ‘Jason���s ramen’ written on it. Who the fuck else’s would this be?”

“You’re supposed to be looking for ghosts,” you insist. “That is demonic behaviour. It’s not the same.”

“I’m lookin’ for snacks,” Bucky puts the damn bucket back and ignores it to look through the rest of the fridge. “There’s nothing here. What does that kid eat?”

“If you’re looking for snacks, you gotta look in the mirror,” you hum hopefully. 

“Hilarious.” Bucky’s voice comes back muddled from the several bottles of beer in the fridge. 

“I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s not useful.” you correct, “You said you’re looking for snacks, not a whole meal.”

He stops briefly. Bucky’s not sure what to do with all this strange attention you give him. It makes him feel all sorts of ways and he doesn’t like it one bit. 

“Whatever,” he mutters, continuing to scavenge. 

“Woah, calm down there, Prince Charming.” You snicker. “Give a person a warning before pulling out all your best lines on me like that.”

“You’re supposed to be working, not flirting,” Bucky responds, feeling the same burn at the tip of his ears from that evening. 

“When I was in the events business, multitasking was considered a valuable and necessary skill.”

Bucky stands up so fast he nearly hits his head on the fridge.

“What’s with all these random jobs you keep saying you’ve done?” he questions. “They told me you went on the run a long time ago and that’s where you met Nat.”

Your face changes, features becoming more solemn. He doesn’t know what’s going on, because he’s never seen you this serious before, not even when you guys were hanging out in the library. 

“Bucky,” your voice drops a few octaves, straight and steady. “Answer me this honestly.”

He feels a bit defensive because it almost feels like he’s fucked up somehow.

“What?” he questions. 

You watch him for another second before taking a step toward him, observing him closely.

“Did you really ask people about me?” 

He straightens up ever so slightly. “Why?”

You look at him gravely. “I got one more question.”

You take another step, reducing the space btween you to almost a ciminally low amount. Bucky’s sure he can hear your heartbeat. 

You watch his eyes look into yours intently, a flciker or doubt there.

You open your mouth, voice low and strong, “When will you admit to yourself you’re obsessed with me?”

It takes a second for it to register, and almost instantly he shoves you away, only to have you break into a laugh. 

“You’re so fucking annoying.”

“You have a crush on me,” you sing, “why else are you going around asking your friends about me? Do you want them to put in a good word? You gonna ask them to deliver your handwritten note to me?”

“Fuck right off, and then fuck off some more,” he barks, grabbing a beer from the front of the line. 

“Don’t worry, Buck, I think you’re the cutest guy in our whole grade, no competition,” you drawl, grinning at the pissed expression on his face. 

Bucky swerves around you to beeline to the kitchen island to drink his stupid beer in peace. He thinks that his retirement age is actually nearing. 

A house like this, with a room for Steve and another guest room for whoever wanted to visit. Possibly a dog. There wasn’t musch left in life to do, so he may as well spend the rest of it out in the suburbs in quiet. 

A few seconds later, you break the silence with, “But to answer your question: I did go on the run. I just did all those jobs while I was running.”

He turns to you, noting that while your face was light, it seemed like there was sincerity and truth in what you were saying. 

“Why?” he asks, voice gruff.

You shrug, half a smile on your face. “Why not? I met Nat when she broke down the door of my accountancy office on one of her missions. I threw some staplers and hit a guy with a printer, and from then on, whenever I needed help or she needed my freaky little powers, we’d reach out. Years later, she asked if I wanted to come join, I was bored and now here we are. I’m a nepo baby, if you kinda think about it.” 

Bucky looks at you, but says nothing. 

“Anyway, brief history aside, I’m going upstairs. There’s nothing here other than your bitchy aura and bucket ramen.” The camera spins around to follow you.

Bucky simply ignores you as he swipes all the garbage off the counter and onto the ground so he can lean against it, alone with his beer and new information to process.

However, a loud creek, unmistakable and intense, comes from the floor above. 

You look at Bucky. He doesn’t look the least bit bothered, instead using his metal hand to pop open a beer he fished out of the damn fridge. 

“Can you shut up,” you hiss when he drinks a little too loud for your liking. 

“What,” he asks through a mouthful of beer as he drops the bottle cap onto the counter.

Another creek reverberates loudly through the house.

You make a face at him, somewhere in a mix between excitement and anticipation. 

“Is that supposed to mean something?” he inquires.

“Two creeks in the last minute,” you insist, like he’s stupid. 

He scoffs. “So? It’s an old house, if you breathe too hard the floor’s gonna fall off.”

“It is literally not that old. And second, it’s too much of a coincidence.” You make way towards the stairs, beckoning for him to follow. “And take the spirit box out of your hair, we need to catch if it’s saying something.”

“You're not gonna catch anything because it’s not going to speak because ghosts are not real.” He takes a large swig. 

You ignore him, leaving in search of the sound.

Bucky takes a second before following you anyway, bored out of his mind and with nothing really to do.

“You comin’ in?” he asks from inside the spacious room, beer in hand. 

“I didn’t even buy you dinner yet and you’re already inviting me into your bedroom.”

“Jesus Christ. Stay outside then.”

The room has a strange, musty smell. Bucky, sick and tired of the ebay this kid has been living, drags open the window to let some fresh air in, going so far as to tear a large hole through the newspaper to let the moonlight into the room. 

“Someone keeps moving the furniture back and forth, there’s scratches all over the floor,” you observe, pointing to the ground near the table and the bed. 

“Uh huh,” he says, tossing the spirit box onto the table before taking another swig, ducking out of the way of the camera. 

You scan every corner with the machine in your hand. Bucky wanders around aimlessly for a second before usefully sitting on the bed, leaning against the pillows. 

“You gonna take your shirt off next?” you question. 

Bucky rolls his eyes, taking another sip from his bottle. “Pay attention. Your demons are trying to talk t-.” 

The bed immediately lurches from underneath him, scraping loudly against the wood. 

“What the fuck–” he exclaims, getting right back up, heart in his throat for a damn second. 

You stifle a laugh.

“I’ve had enough of you today.” He puts the damn bottle down on the nightstand. “I’m leaving.” 

“We didn’t even light the candles yet, you can’t–”

The bed scrapes back into place again, but this time Bucky is prepared and done. 

“Stop doing that,” he snaps, “you’re ruining the flo–”

“I didn’t do that,” you tell him, eyebrows and hands raised, “That definitely wasn’t me.”

“Hardy har har. You didn’t push the bed, you didn’t climb the tree in the cemetery, you didn’t conjure up hallucinations of my–” He stops himself abruptly.

It’s too late, though. You very much caught it. 

The look you give him is peculiar. “Hallucinations of your what?” 

“Nothing,” he utters. “Got my wires crossed. Nothing to do with you.”

“Okay,” you drag out, giving him one more uncanny look before turning your attention to the bedpost. “Anyway, I promise you the second one was definitely not me. There’s something else going on here.”

Bucky is starkly sent back to fifteen minutes ago and his thoughts of retirement as he watches you crouch by the floor.

He was too old for this. He was not right for this. The three second glance at his dead sister and his entire life had gone lopsided. Honestly, he could probably handle like two or three more episodes of this nonsense before tapping out completely. 

“I can sense something,” you announce.

“I can sense something too,” he murmurs absentmindedly to himself. “It’s called bullshi–”

“Be quiet, I want to see if we can talk to the guy in the room.” You hold your hand up. “Hey Jason’s uncle. You here?”

He watches, unamused, as nothing changes. No machine beeps, nothing creeks.

“Bucky, you scared him away.” You turn to him, hands on your hips. “You used your big bitch face and you scared away th–”

He launches a pillow at you. It lowers to the ground without ever touching you. 

“Go eat some bucket ramen and maybe you’ll be less bitchy.” Your face lights up, and he can tell you’ve gotten another stupid idea. “Jason’s uncle, are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Human blood? Metal arm?”

Silence.

“No pretzels for you,” you tsk, but let go of the idea anyway. 

“Maybe your ghost boyfriend likes them, why don’t you ask him?” He pulls out his phone to book himself an Uber. “And since he literally doesn’t talk and you don’t shut up, it’d be a great ma–”

The same pillow he launched at you gets thrown back at him. He simply ducks out of the way, and it hits the nightstand, toppling the bottle over.

“Now look at what you did,” you accuse, pointing at the bottle with the camera following suit. 

“The fuck? I didn't do shit–” Bucky stops speaking when something nudges his leg. 

The bottle that initially had clattered to the ground quite a feet away from him was now by his foot.

“Interesting,” you muse.

“What?” he questions immediately. “That a bottle rolled? It’s a bottle. They do that.”

“Uh huh. Come stand here then.” You jut your thumb out to a few paces away. 

He rolls his eyes but takes a large stride towards you.  

Annoyingly, the bottle rolls right along with him and lands up at his feet.

“Ghost,” you nod along certainly. 

“Why isn't it doing that then?” he argues on instinct, and then his mind catches up, forcing him to take a step back and wonder why the fuck he was still in the house. 

Once again, he genuinely believes that this should be enough. Ghost hunted for a few episodes, read a few stories. He thinks his numbers should be up and that would be convincing enough for Maya to let him get away from the series, especially if he played his 80-years-of-imprisonment card right.  

“You're right.” You peer at him before turning your head up to the ceiling. “Please, ghost man. Please, I’m begging you, hit this man. Plea–”

Bucky feels something smack lightly against the back of his head before falling to the ground.

A second later you erupt into cheers and he turns around to look at the culprit.

A crumpled up piece of paper.  He bends down to pick it up, finding nothing special about it other than some random scribbles. Probably some more of Jason's junk. 

“Ghosts are real and they hate Bucky Barnes, baby!,” you cheer. “Ohh, I’m gonna make so much money. Babygirl, you are a poltergeist magnet. ”

“It’s a piece of paper and the window is open,” he groans, tossing it back onto the ground, where it dances around, proving his point. “The wind carried it over and it touched my head.”

“Right. The wind.” You roll your eyes. “You’re like, fifteen feet tall, only God can see the top of your head.”

“That doesn’t mean any–”

“Hush, I’m thinking. Quiet, human Burj Khalifa.” You hold your hand up. “Let’s see. The ghost knocks on furniture when we were downstairs. It shoves the bed and rolls a bottle around on the ground when we’re arguing and right when you’re leaving, it throws a piece of paper at you. What could it all mean?”

“I got it.” BUccky straightens up. “Holy shit, I think I know what it means.”

“What?” you ask, wonder and mystery. “What does it mean?”

“It means that my Uber’s here,” Bucky replies in the same tone and mystery. “You’re insane. I’m leaving. Bye.”

“Ugh, you’re such a loser. If I turn up dead, you’ll have been the last person to see me alive.”

“I’ll see you at home.” He shoves his hands into the pocket of his shorts before turning on his heel. 

“I do not have a home.” you say, reaching to grab the piece of paper he discarded and shoving it into your bag; 

“Okay, see you on the news, then.” He kicks the damn bottle out of the way before heading out the door. “I’ll make sure they use a real nice picture of you.”

“Bitch–” you begin, when something catches your attention

The bed creeks loudly, reflexes instantly sending him into fight or flight. 

Bucky turns to you to cuss you out again for the nth time that evening, but you’ve also got a look of confusion painted all over you. 

“Hold on,” you say strangely, voice thick with theorising, “I think I actually figured it out.”

When Jason finally makes his way back to the house two hours later, his hair is littered with stray bits of confetti and his eyes are smudged with eyeliner. He’s got a smoothie cup full of glittery red liquid and a straw, and what looks like little bits of fruit floating around in there. 

“Looks like the gig was a rager,” you comment. 

“Nah this wasn’t from the gig. I got lost,” he dismisses, and then refuses to expand further. “Anyway, you kicked his ass, right?”

You look at Bucky, who is standing with his arms crossed over his chest, bitch face on full blast as he looks pissed in the corner.

“Your uncle– he decorated this house himself, right?” you prompt. 

“Yeah.” Jason says, taking a sip from his unidentified liquid. “He got a bunch of shit custom made.” 

“Right.” You nod. “And when you came in here, did you shift the furniture around?”

“Yeah, lol, it was mad ugly,” Jason divulges, taking one large last sip before dropping his cup onto the ground. “Mine’s way better.” 

“Have you considered that maybe… your uncle doesn’t like that?” you try gently, eyes following the cup as it clatters gracefully onto the ground. 

Bucky talks to himself under his breath, the same as when you told him that the only time spooky shit had happened was when he dropped bottle caps, shifted beds out of their original places, left behind bottles and other paper. But he doesn’t contradict you. 

“I see,” Jason says. “What’s wrong with moving furniture again?”

Bucky wonders how the guy made it to this age. “Maybe he just doesn’t like you moving his shit around. Not that there’s a ghost at all.” 

“Hmm,” he says, following along. “So I stop moving the bed and other stuff, and he’ll stop being such a bitch?”

“And maybe he doesn’t like you leaving trash around the place?” you eye the cup, completely understanding where the uncle was coming from. 

“Okay,” Jason says again. 

“So you’ll stop?” you proposition slowly.

He shrugs. “Nah, I like it better this way.”

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky exhales.

You hold back an audible groan. 

“You could, like, punch him to get him off my back. Like, all the way off my back,” the guy suggests instead. “Like, sucks for him that he’s dead, I guess, but it’s like, my house now.”

You stay quiet and wait. 

Sure enough, the cup from earlier bumps into his leg in silent fury.

He stares down at it, giving it a kick. It rolls away before rolling right back with malice. Bucky narrows his eyes at it, too tired at this point to even complain. 

“This house is weird, man,” Jason declares after fifteen rounds of kicking it and watching it roll back. 

“Look–” you sigh. “You could just stop littering, and he’ll stop messing with your layout.”

“And take out the trash more than once a month,” Bucky adds from under his breath. 

“Life’s all about compromises. You get his house for free and he gets a clean house to spend his afterlife in.”

“No such thing,” Bucky adds.

You send a glare his way.

“I see,” Jason contemplates, as if it’s the toughest decision on earth to pick up his crushed soda cans. “Yeah, okay.”

A second later, the cup finally stops trying to assault his now pink flip flops. and comes to a standstill. 

The both of you peer at him.

“What?” he asks. 

Your gaze drifts down.

It takes a very long second for it to click.

“Oh ‘Kay,” he says, bending over to pick it up and place it back on his table, looking at you for confirmation, to which you nod. 

It stays in its place. 

“Radical,” he says. 

No one says anything further. The bed doesn’t make a noise either. The air is almost dropping with awkwardness. 

You clear your throat. “Well, that concludes it then. Pleasure meeting ya.”

“You too.” Jason gives you a thumbs up, following it with a peace sign. 

“Bye,” Bucky says curtly, turning to walk out the room.

“Oh! Here’s our business card, in case you or anyone else you–”

Bucky spins you around by your shoulders and drags you out of the room with him. 

On the way back, you sort through all the footage from the evening while Bucky drives the van back. 

Thankfully, it has been relatively quiet the entire time, except for the soft sounds of the radio and the buzz of the heater. Bucky tunes out for most of the ride, one hand on the wheel and the other propping up his head.  

“Huh,” you comment out of the blue. “That’s fun.”

“What?” he asks inattentively . 

“I guess his uncle really was hungry,” you consider. 

Bucky simply keeps quiet and waits for you to go on if you choose to.

“Piece of paper that he threw at you–”

“Piece of paper that the wind picked up,” even his entertaining of you has a limit, but he isn’t paying much attention. 

“It’s got letters on it,” you shove the sheet in front of his eyes, forcing him to swerve on the road in an instant. 

“I’m driving,” he hisses, shoving it aside swiftly. “Do you want us to die?” 

“Yeah, yeah, but look at it,” you insist, only to hold it close to his face again. “Does this mean anything to you? It did hit you across the head.”

He refuses to believe you at first, but the second he glances at it, it’s unmistakable.

‘PB&J’ written messily across the page, small letters, lines jagged like someone was struggling to write with their non-dominant hand.

“That’s nothing,” he dismisses quietly, “He’s a college kid. They live on that shit.” 

“Or maybe someone in the afterworld really misses their PB&J,” you hum. 

Bucky doesn't answer, because the alternative is worse. The alternative means something is going very, very wrong. 

 But you don't seem to pay him any heed, going right back to sorting through footage. 

It’s probably why you don’t notice that his one handed grip on the steering wheel gets tighter, and his face quietly drains of colour. 

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing!

to keep up with updates for this fic and others, please follow @shurisneakersupdates and turn on post notifications!

Next part

[xoxoch3rry]

𝕋𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟?

@ xoxoch3rry do not steal or translate my work.

Word count: 1,160

────

Colby Brock x fem!reader

Warnings: Sexual tension…

Summary: Some fans have noticed the tension between you and Colby.

────⊹ ࣪ ˖⋆˖ ࣪⊹────

You couldn’t remember a time when Sam and Colby weren’t a part of your life. Since the ninth grade, the three of you had been inseparable, navigating high school’s ups and downs as a tight-knit trio. From late-night study sessions that turned into chaotic video game marathons to sneaking into abandoned places long before it became a YouTube sensation, you did everything together.

Now, years later, things had changed—and yet, somehow, they hadn’t. You lived, worked, traveled, and filmed with Sam and Colby. Together, you built something extraordinary: a community of fans who hung on every thrilling exploration, every eerie EVP session, and every hilarious moment of chaos you three captured on camera. To everyone else, it was the dream life. And in many ways, it was.

But there was one thing you hadn’t told anyone—not Sam, not the fans, and especially not Colby. 

You’d been in love with him for as long as you could remember.

It had started small, back in high school, when his goofy smile and infectious laughter had the power to light up your worst days. Over time, those feelings grew. The way he moved with quiet confidence, the way he spoke with such passion about the things he loved, the way he looked at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention—all of it made your heart race. And the longer you knew him, the stronger those feelings became.

But you never said a word. It was easier to keep it locked away, buried beneath the easy banter and constant companionship. After all, you had a good thing going. Why risk ruining it?

---

The three of you had just returned from another exploration, this time at an abandoned hospital said to be haunted by the spirit of a doctor who never left. The shoot had gone late into the night, and you were exhausted, sprawled across the couch in your shared Airbnb. Sam was editing footage at the dining table, earbuds in, while Colby sat beside you, scrolling through fan tweets on his phone.

“Did you see this?” Colby asked, holding his phone up to you. “They’re already freaking out about the teaser Sam posted.”

You glanced at the screen, laughing softly at the flood of all-caps comments and heart emojis. “Of course they are. You guys are basically ghost-hunting rock stars.”

He nudged you playfully. “You mean *we* are.”

Your stomach flipped at the way he looked at you, his blue eyes warm and full of that signature Colby charm. You quickly turned your attention back to your phone, hoping he didn’t notice the way your cheeks were heating up. 

It was moments like this—small, quiet, and undeniably intimate—that made it so hard to keep your feelings in check.

---

The next morning, Sam burst into the living room, phone in hand, looking equal parts amused and exasperated. “Okay, so... have you seen the comments on last night’s video?”

You and Colby exchanged a confused glance. “What comments?” you asked.

Sam grinned, clearly relishing whatever he was about to say. “The fans are convinced there’s some major sexual tension between you two.”

Your heart stopped. “What?”

Colby’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait, between us?” 

Sam nodded, scrolling through the comments section. “Look at this: ‘The way Colby looks at Y/N... y’all, I’m sweating.’” He scrolled again. “‘That whole scene in the basement? Tell me I’m not the only one who noticed the tension.’” He looked up at you both, smirking. “You guys have some explaining to do.”

Your face burned. “They’re reading way too much into it. We’re just... friends.”

“Really good friends,” Colby added, his voice a little too casual.

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Uh-huh. Sure.”

You avoided Colby’s gaze, but you could feel him looking at you. The memory of that basement scene flashed in your mind—the two of you standing close, whispering to each other as the EMF reader flickered in your hands. You’d felt the tension then, too, but you’d convinced yourself it was just your imagination. Apparently, the fans hadn’t.

---

For the next few days, the comments didn’t let up. Fans flooded your social media with edits of you and Colby, complete with romantic music and dramatic captions. At first, you laughed it off, but the more you saw them, the harder it became to ignore the feelings you’d worked so hard to suppress.

Colby didn’t make it any easier. Whether he was aware of it or not, he seemed to be closer than usual—sitting next to you during car rides, leaning in when he talked to you, touching your arm when he laughed. Each moment sent your heart racing, and you hated how obvious it felt.

One night, after a long day of filming, you found yourself alone with him in the living room. Sam had gone to bed early, and the house was quiet except for the hum of the refrigerator. You were scrolling through your phone, trying to ignore the growing tension between you, when Colby broke the silence.

“Do you think they’re right?”

You looked up, startled. “What?”

“The fans.” He leaned back against the couch, his eyes searching yours. “Do you think there’s... tension between us?”

Your mouth went dry. “I... I don’t know. Do you?”

He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been thinking about it,” he admitted, his voice low. “And... maybe they’re not completely wrong.”

Your heart pounded in your chest. “Colby...”

“I’m serious,” he said, turning to face you fully. “We’ve known each other forever, and I don’t want to mess that up. But sometimes... I feel like there’s something more here. And maybe I’ve been too scared to say anything because I didn’t want to lose what we have.”

You stared at him, your mind racing. Was this really happening? “You’ve been scared?” you echoed. “Colby, I’ve had a crush on you since ninth grade.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “You’re kidding.”

You shook your head, a nervous laugh escaping your lips. “Nope. And it’s only gotten worse over the years.”

For a moment, he just stared at you, as if trying to process your words. Then, slowly, a smile spread across his face. “So... what do we do about it?”

You hesitated, your heart in your throat. “I don’t know. I mean, what if this changes everything?”

“Maybe it will,” he said softly. “But maybe that’s not a bad thing.”

He reached for your hand, his touch warm and steady. “We’ve always done everything together, right? Maybe it’s time we figure this out... together.”

You felt the weight of his words, the sincerity in his eyes, and for the first time, you allowed yourself to hope. “Okay,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “Let’s figure it out.”

As his fingers intertwined with yours, you couldn’t help but smile. For once, the tension wasn’t something to hide from. It was something to embrace.

[boyfhee]

⋆ NOW WE DATE ! · psh

CHAPTER SEVEN · ruin our friendship

SYNOPSIS · everyone knew you were sunghoon's biggest fan— or so you claimed to be— it didn't take a scientist to guess after your nonstop gushing about him during enhypen's debut. now, they didn't know you found him 'so babygirl' not until you accidentally tweeted it on your main.

warnings · food mentions + written part under the cut ( 1.02k )

the weverse live went smoother than expected. 

well, it’s not like you had been anticipating some sort of commotion or whatsoever, but you did expect random bouts of awkwardness every ten to fifteen minutes because first, both you and sunghoon lie slightly towards the introvert side of the myers-briggs type indicator; and second, you both are aware of everything that has went down between the two of you in past two to three days. moreover, being awkward is natural when you’re meeting someone for the first time— which is not exactly true because you did meet sunghoon at the backstage of music bank from nine months ago when iris and enhypen were promoting their respective albums, but if greeting each other in hallways counts as meeting people then you probably have already met three-fourth of the industry. 

“i kind of imagined you as someone who prefers vanilla or something, instead of chocolate,” and you certainly didn’t expect sunghoon to take you out of ice cream just three hours before midnight. 

“i like all the flavours but nothing tops chocolate,” you say before eating another spoonful from your cup. “i even did a commercial for melona as a kid, although it’s not chocolate. you can still find it on youtube, i guess,” singing wasn’t really your forte, unlike acting. you’ve had quite an active childhood from the ‘job’ point of you, for you always had a few commercial shoots here and there every few months. your career as an actress didn’t blow up until after you had debuted in iris. even as a childhood actress, you only had minor to second lead roles except one in ‘crushed,’ which accounts for your first main role and also is the drama that brought you into the spotlight before debut. 

you feel sunghoon smile as he unlocks his phone to switch to another playlist— it’s for both of you since one of his’ airpods is with you and listening to music while having ice cream sounds like a perfect date, as friends, of course. though, you’d be lying if you claim your heart didn’t do a little something when sunghoon offered you his airpods. “why did you ask me to get ice cream with you, though?” 

“i just wanted to spend some time with you,” a pause. you stop on your way, albeit a few steps ahead of him, turning around to look at sunghoon’s flustered face that was adorned by the dim streetlights. a series of silence follows, a string of fluttering gazes along with heartbeats that could be heard clearly if they get any louder. before you could say anything, sunghoon stuffs his phone back into his pocket out of panic. “wait— don’t get me wrong. i mean, you’re cool and fun to be around so, you know— please don’t misunderstand,” 

and a soft chuckle falls off your lips. “jeez, hoon, you’re all good,”

the comforting silence never leaves, it’s rather amusing to the two of you. considering everything that has happened so far, from your silly tweet to him assuming you’re dating jaemin and everything that he ends up blabbering in front of you, anyone would end up getting awkward. fortunately, that isn’t the case for him. perhaps, the heavens are on his side, and maybe that is all he needs to muster up the courage to say his next words. “to be completely honest, ice cream was an excuse because i was sort of hoping we’d get to know each other better,” 

“yeah, i’d love that,” your voice isn’t much louder than a whisper, but you know your words reached him anyway. the smile dancing on his face holds numerous tales, if one could notice closely. “by the way, you still didn’t tell me the thing that could potentially ruin our friendship,” 

“i did, didn’t i? i texted you,” 

“and you want me to believe that?” you scoff, remembering his response. even if it was supposed to be a coverup, you did find yourself too stunned to react at that moment. “i mean, i won’t judge you for the things you like to be called and all, but we both know what you said back then was a lie,” 

another pause, another session of silence trailing around along with the slight tension lingering in the air. you look at sunghoon and he’s looking anywhere but at you. one second, his eyes are on the ground. the next, they’re traversing places with his lips pressed into a thin line. it’s when you realise how difficult it is to read his expression, an exasperated sigh falls off his lips. “okay, i think i’m being annoying, so i won’t force you, even though i’m—”

“you’re not annoying. also, i don’t think i’m ready to tell you so wait for me till then, and i promise i’ll tell you when the right time comes,” and it’s embarrassing how easily his words can fluster you. “besides, i don’t want to ruin our friendship yet,” even if you think you have a faint idea of what he might be hiding, you’d dare not get ahead of yourself because at the end of day, you and sunghoon are just friends. sure, you do like him a little more than friends but you’re almost convinced that it’s just a silly little celebrity crush. it’s not the first time you’re fawning over a celebrity, even if it’s your first time being so crazily interested in someone, but you like to think it’s a stage between strangers and friends, and nothing more. 

“oh, by the way, um, there’s ice cream on your lips,” he points the corner of his mouth with his index finger, hoping it would give you an idea, but when you miss the spot after a couple of attempts, assorting to your phone’s front camera to get a clearer look, sunghoon finds himself taking the tissue from your hand, proceeding to wipe the ice cream off your lips himself, completely and terribly unable to hide the blush on his cheeks. and the moment you tried to tell yourself that you aren’t in love, is when you realised you already were. 

PREV · NEXT · MASTERLIST

n : need me a sunghoon, like rn .... also visgenes...visions + engene....iris and vision? yk u see w ur iris and ability to see is vision do u see the vision here bc that's the best i could come up with

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

By Camila Tominey,

“Just as I have always admired the seamless way the Duchess of Sussex’s truth has sometimes clashed with fact, so too do I have a grudging respect for Omid Scobie.

"Lest we forget, this is a man who spent a decade raking over celebrities’ private lives for US Weekly, only to brazenly tweet in 2021: “Privacy means freedom from *unauthorised* intrusion. It is the right to choose what you share with others and what you don’t. That’s it!

"At the time, such outbursts left journalists like me in disbelief. Wasn’t this the guy whose entire career was built on analysing snatched paparazzi images of the rich and famous? Imagine our incredulity when Scobie launched into repeated attacks on the very royal press pack he followed around like a puppy. I saw with my own eyes how he tried to muscle in on the rota system in a bid to gain access to the very members of the Royal family he now seeks to trash in his second book, Endgame, which hit bookshelves on Tuesday.

"You have to admire the brass neck of the bloke, you really do. I remember one incident on a royal tour when he was literally begging me to tell him the sources of my various royal scoops. And to think he’s now so reluctant to discuss his own! Who on Earth could they be, I wonder?

"Perhaps the most amusing thing about Endgame is how much this fearless journalist gets wrong in his tireless pursuit of Meghan’s truth. “Palace aides were racking their brains to remember the ‘five’ private secretaries who have come and gone from the Duchess of Cambridge’s office (there have been three). And contrary to the claim ‘you’d be unlikely to read about it in any British newspaper’, The Telegraph reported on exactly that staffing issue last week.

"Hey, but why let facts get in the way of a good story? In one passage, I am described as The Telegraph’s Royal Editor – which I’m not and never have been. Referring to a piece I had written about the now infamous dog bowl incident, in which I suggested that it showed how much love William has for his little brother that he felt the need to physically wrestle him to the ground, Scobie comments that I sound like the “excuses of domestic abusers everywhere.”

"Domestic abuse? Is that what we are calling sibling rivalry these days? We are now being asked to believe that it was a “translation error” that the names of two “alleged” royal racists had been left in the now-pulled Dutch copies of Endgame – even though they were completely absent from the English version. And we’re supposed to accept this narrative even after Scobie had bragged on US television that he knew the names of both alleged racists?

"You know, I really thought I’d seen it all when Meghan told Oprah, with a straight face, that the Archbishop of Canterbury had married them three days before their official wedding ceremony; that she’d had her passport confiscated only to jet off on multiple holidays; that Kate had made her cry and not the other way round.

"I thought I’d heard it all when “sources” close to these two multi-millionaires (who were still receiving a £700,000 allowance from the King after Megxit) revealed the couple were so “desperate” they had no choice but to sign deals with Netflix et al – even though we know they were speaking to streaming companies as early as 2018, a whole two years before they stepped down as “working” members of the Royal family.

"I thought I’d heard it all when Scobie, of all people, claimed to be both a champion of privacy and an accountable press, only to publish not one, but two completely unauthorised intrusions into the lives of the Royal family so lacking in balance as to be laughable. We must believe all victims of bullying, insists Scobie (who was comforted by Meghan when he copped the kind of flak we all get, day in and day out on social media), except when they’re accusing the Sussexes of it. You really couldn’t make it up."

Thanks!

[dean-a-mean-tae]

Updated "Western" Friends | Stray Kids Additional Member AU

Nicholas is still friends with some of the other people from the 1st western friends post, but he's also made new ones.

WARNINGS: Let me be delusional. Mention of Cardi and Nicki scandal. "Fans" being weird about Nicholas and his friendship with women. I don't know if there's anything else.

Nicholas Ross Master List

✧*̥˚𝘽𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚 𝙀𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝*̥˚✧

Menaces To Society

Nicholas was a fan of Billie since Ocean Eyes. He eventually reached out to congratulate her on making it big, and give her a heads up on what to expectation versus reality on the spot light. He told her to reach out if she ever needed anything or just to talk to him.

Surprisingly, Billie reached out very randomly and just needed to rant. She claimed it felt "better to rant to someone not in the situation because then they wouldn't be biased." She was right. Nicholas was able to give her multiple perspectives on what she was going through while coming to a conclusion on how she felt. They've been friends since.

Nicholas kind of adopted Billie and now they have a great friendship. Unfortunately, there are some people who think it's creepy for Nicholas to be friends with Billie and continuously express that. It doesn't stop Billie from posting about Nicholas being a dumbass. "It's moments like this where I question your logic. Cause what made you think that was a good idea?"

Bonus: Billie is aware of some of Nicholas's trauma thanks to the few videos he's done on them, but she wants, and is waiting, for him to tell her himself.

✧*̥˚𝘾𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙞 𝘽*̥˚✧

I'm Not Fighting You, But She'll Do It For Me

Unsurprisingly, Megan is the one who introduced them to each other. She wanted to know if the three of them could do a collab. Unfortunately, JYP didn't approve of this so the idea was scrapped. But that didn't stop Cardi and Nicholas from keeping in touch.

The feud between Cardi and Nicki started the distance between Nicholas and Nicki. Nicholas knows the Barbz, or Nicki's fans, started the feud but it irritated him that the two continued it. He, of course, never spoke on it no matter how many times people asked about it. Nicholas's continuous stance of staying indifferent in the situation, even though he knew Nicki before Cardi, is also what pulled her further into nurturing him.

Shortly, after Nicholas and Nicki had a fall out, Cardi stepped in to help take care of him. When Nicki stopped checking in, Cardi checked in. When Nicki stopped responding, Cardi would respond and constantly reach out. "Listen, you ain't gotta worry about her no more, aight? Ima look out for you."

Bonus: Cardi made sure she told Nicholas about her pregnancy with Wave (her son) before he found about the news. She said it made it more special to hear it from the momma rather than some news person.

✧*̥˚𝘾𝙤𝙘𝙤 𝙅𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨*̥˚✧

The Funniest and The Hottest

Nicholas is known by American Stays to say Coco Jones quotes. There are so many compilations of him quoting other famous people and eventually it got onto Coco's feed. She tweeted a clip of him quoting her word for word with a goofy look and all.

Their friendship isn't really known because they don't interact in public. With them living on different sides of the planet, the time zones, and the lack of interaction on the internet, it's not a easy thing to point out.

They're such bad influences on each other. Stay already knew Nicholas was a goofball, but when he met Coco and they did video collabs together with Terrell, everyone realized Nicholas was a idiot who needed to be protected at all costs.

Bonus: They communicate through memes and TikTok, which is amusing to the boys. Their whole message feed thingy is filled with pictures and videos.

✧*̥˚𝙇𝙖𝙮 𝘽𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙨*̥˚✧

Tall & Lean and Short & Slim

Ironically, Nicholas learned about her through TikTok because of her song Ick. He played the song in front of his father, and the man was disgusted that this was the music his son was listening to. For the whole time he visited his family, Nicholas had the song on repeat.

Nicholas sent Lay a DM to thank her for helping him piss his parents off. After explaining what happened after a very confused response from her, she found the situation hilarious and posted about it while making sure to keep his identity hidden.

If you thought people went crazy about Nicholas and Billie, imagine their reaction to his friendship with a 19 year old. After this Nicholas just kind of adopted Lay and added her to his list of adoptive children. It only consists of Billie and Lay, but it's the fact he has "kids" that leaves him tickled.

They're is a time difference so they kind of just spam each other and wait for the other to reply. Usually, Nicholas is up late so it means he can respond when Lay is getting up in the morning.

Bonus: Nicholas got Lay to help prank Chan by using a voice effect that made her sound like a kid. It went something along the lines of him telling Chan he needed help keeping his kid hidden with Chan being confused on when Nicholas had time to actually have a child without him knowing.

Nicholas Ross Master List | ©️DEANAMEANTAE2024

Tag List: @bada-lee-ily @jinnie-ret @hwxnghyynjin @foxilsdenn @rensahazard @mynameisnotlaura @lucianidealz @ziipzeepzop-eez @ilovejeongin007 @michelle4eve @leezanetheofficial @spookzyclown

You can be added by asking in the replies, sending me a message, or doing an ask thingy.

[heloflor]

I kind of hinted at it in previous posts but I’m kind of fascinated and very amused by how Peri is low-key a daddy’s boy in New Wish.

For those asking, the things that make me call Peri a daddy’s boy are 1. Cosmo being the more cuddly parents and taking the situation more seriously than Wanda when it comes to their son, 2. Peri taking a lot after Cosmo personality-wise, and 3. looking back Peri seems to have more patience towards Cosmo than he does Wanda, though I definitely think that last point is a bit of a stretch and not something the writers actually intended.

Giving examples for these three elements under the cut (1k words):

1. Cosmo being the more cuddly parent:

- In “Lost and Founder’s Day” he cries about missing his son

- in “Battle of the Dimmsonian” when reuniting with Peri he’s the first to speak and gushes about him

- Same in “Lost in Fairy World” with him taking pictures and being the first to gush about Peri, calling him his and Wanda’s baby boy later on too and also the small hug when talking about the tracking devices

- Again in “Operation Birthday Takeback” he throws himself at Peri at the beginning (granted I see this more as Wanda respecting her son’s boundaries) and then is more openly gushy when Peri agrees to give them a tour (and I still adore this moment, those three are so goddamn cute!!!)

- At the end of “Dig a Little Deeper” when Peri snaps back at Dev, Cosmo joins in to back up his son

- Cosmo spends the whole show hiding behind Wanda when scared and/or stressed out yet in “Best of Luck” he straight up starts a fight, all because Irep was insulting Peri; and while he does also stand up against Vicky in “Operation Birthday Takeback”, 1. He was doing so with Wanda, 2. Vicky was playing the nice act so they didn’t feel in immediate danger and 3. Cosmo brings up Timmy in this scene, Timmy being basically his adopted son so it’s still a show of his paternal instincts

- Oh yeah and at the end of “Best of Luck” Cosmo visibly hugs tighter, tho it’s worth noting Wanda is the one hugging tighter at the beginning of “Lost In Fairy World” (goes against my argument but I like being throughout)

- In “Battle of Big Wand” Wanda tends to Peri by standing next to him and rubbing his back while Cosmo straight up holds him in his arms. Also Cosmo does it for longer than Wanda. Also also when Wanda tries to talk Dev into helping them and starts insulting him a little, Cosmo catches it and calls her out through gritted teeth, taking the situation more seriously than her

2. Peri is a lot like Cosmo:

- The persona he puts on when trying to look professional has been compared by many to Cosmo’s personality in the “Oh Yeah” shorts. Also I stumbled across what’s apparently a tweet of one of the creators confirming that the voice actor took inspiration on either “Oh Yeah” shorts Cosmo or early seasons Cosmo for the voice

- I’ve also seen comments on a “everytime Peri talks” youtube compilation pointing out how his voice is a lot higher-pitched past his introduction scene, comparing it to Cosmo’s voice gradually getting higher-pitched as the og show went on

- Wasn’t sure where to put it but in “Battle of the Dimmsonian” Peri makes a comment about Cosmo having the heebie-jeebies, showing his dad easily comes to his mind (at least when he knows he’s around)

- In “Battle of the Dimmsonian” the potato wish suggestion; like between the body language and things Peri says, this is pure Cosmo right here (and for some reason I find it very funny)

- In a similar but opposite way, at the end of “Lost in Fairy World” when the fairies hug their kids, Cosmo’s nervous comment about the kids being alive is similar to how Peri acts when stressed out

- There’s a few moments of Peri having a similar expression to Cosmo, those being them eating candies at the beginning of “Lost in Fairy World”, while Wanda is talking after teleporting to Jorgen’s office in that same episode, still in that episode them hugging the godkids at the end, the beginning of “Operation Birthday Takeback” right as Peri escapes Cosmo’s hug, and them waiting for Wanda for a hug at the end of the finale. Granted in “Operation Birthday Takeback” Wanda and Peri have a similar expression when the “computer” lights up after Cosmo danced on it (right before Cosmo hides behind Wanda)

- Peri’s a bit of a cowards, constantly cowering whenever Dev raises his voice (which kills me everytime bc Peri wtf?! You’re a magical godlike creature! Why are you scared of that ten years old child?! And why being so visibly intimidated at the slightest raise of voice?! Who hurt you?!) and as said before Cosmo has a tendency to hide behind Wanda, so yeah he gets it from his dad; and no I’m not including his reaction to Vicky as proof of being scared easily bc there was clearly some trauma here that caused his reaction

- Because I like being throughout, it is worth noting Peri took his mom’s braincells (literally in this show) and flair for the dramatic; but for the most part other than that he seems to take after Cosmo

Also if you imagine that Blonda and Big Daddy changed their names (bc from my understanding Blonda wasn’t always blonde and there’s no way someone named their kid “Big Daddy”) he also took the tendency to get a new name from Wanda’s side of the family

3. Peri is more patient with Cosmo:

Now this one I’m incredibly unsure about as it could just be coincidences but yeah you have some moments in which Peri seems more annoyed with Wanda than Cosmo. For example at the beginning of “Lost in Fairy World”, he tries to escape the camera and looks annoyed when Cosmo gushes about him but doesn’t outright says anything. But when Wanda does the same, he pushes her away and audibly calls her out.

Likewise later on when his parents interrupt him, Peri has a sarcastic laugh with Cosmo but looks more angry with Wanda. Then there’s also “Operation Birthday Takeback” with him trying to escape Cosmo’s hug at the beginning but again not vocally expressing his annoyance, but later on when Wanda makes a cringy comment to the godkids (the “welcome to your dad’s spooky lair”) Peri whines about it.

Now again, those are like three small examples and I don’t think it actually means anything, but since I’m talking about Peri potentially being closer to his dad might as well point this out.

And when I say it doesn’t mean anything, an example from “Lost in Fairy World” I didn’t mention is when Cosmo and Wanda tell Dev he can’t go to Fairy World. Peri doesn’t say anything when Cosmo talks but interrupts when Wanda does. But in that case, I think Peri would have done the same thing to Cosmo had Wanda been the first to talk, it’s more of a coincidence that Wanda was the second to talk here and as a result the one Peri shut down. Hell you could say the same thing about the later scene of them interrupting him, maybe he seems angrier at Wanda because it’s the second time he gets interrupted. So yeah, don’t take that part too seriously.

[pyrrhocorax]

do you have any fun headcanons about the 'everyone knows about nation people' universe? the fake social media posts of it are so funny

hmmm, i haven't thought about this in too much detail (although i love the fake social media posts too!), but when i think about this, i tend to think more about individual nations' opinions on humans and the dynamic they have with people rather than humans-->nations, if that makes sense?

i do have a few headcanons that i think are fun re: nation-human relations in modern day:

norway goes through human assistants extremely quickly (high job turnover rate) because he can be difficult to deal with/eccentricities of being old and demi-immortal, but in some ways that works out well for him because while a lot of humans can't work well with him, he will occasionally get an assistant that mutually clicks with him, and that person will be his assistant basically until the end of their life. he generally has some strong disdainful feelings for humanity as a whole and the problems they cause, but is also very fond of certain individual humans and will form close relationships with some humans if he feels those humans are worth it (again, 99% of the people will not click with him, but the 1% that do are golden). the humans that do tend to be in that 1% just kind of know how to deal with his eccentricities and tend to be a bit oddball themselves (norway makes them worse).

norway's sense of using social media is kind of sporadic. he's the kind of person i think that will not post anything for three months, then post a picture of a beautiful fjord he took with no caption, a week later makes a text post that just says "mold" or something similarly cryptic like a really zoomed in/blurred photo where you can't tell what is happening, and that's all you get from him for another three months. so i think he does some numbers on social media in niche human circles but i don't think he entirely understands all of the time that he's amusing to people (or that people consider his posts to be shitposts). there is probably a small community dedicated to trying to decipher what he's posting that comes up with all of these theories, but sometimes the answer to 'why hasn't he posted in six months and what can his last ten tweets tell us about what's happening' is that he either dropped a phone into a ravine while hiking or he forgot social media existed (old man at heart).

denmark is the opposite to me, in which he's more surface-level friendly and cordial with all humans, but he holds them all at a distance more emotionally (even when he seems emotionally engaged with them) and seldom develops close relationships with humans in modern day. it's kind of a professionalism thing in the way he views it for himself, but deep down it's because he wants to avoid getting hurt by them (in many ways), and he generally prefers his own company if his only other option is to interact with humans. (this is also my attempt at kind of bridging the hetalia character of denmark being depicted as rather joyous/emotional/social and marrying it with the more of the actual nordic/danish stereotype being more a bit more introverted/closed off to strangers/etc).

iceland is a weird one for me because i think he feels more connected/comfortable with other icelanders (and humans in general) than he does other nations most of the time, but there is still a disconnect between him and people. I think this is because I view his relationship with the nations he has the most personal history with/closest to (i.e. other nordics) as being very historically complicated even if he is loved/mostly has positive interactions with his family in modern day. i've always interpreted iceland's character as having a very disorganized attachment style in that he can oscillate between exhibiting all types of attachment style with the same person even during a short span of time (a lot of this is norway's '''''fault''''' because i also see norway having somewhat disorganized (but much more avoidant/dismissive while ice is way more anxious) attachment too, but for different reasons and it is less internally distressing for him than it is iceland because he's older/has figured some stuff out by the time iceland is a teen. but since norway was the person most responsible for looking after young iceland when norway was basically a Teen Dad himself, his own lack of self-development/healing from his own attachment issues and other external forces impacted how he raised iceland. oops.)

That being said, lot of iceland's disorganization is exhibited internally rather than externally (so even if he's anxious about being abandoned, since he's also avoidant/dismissive and is like 'i can take care of myself', he both wants and doesn't want reassurance at the same time which is confusing for him but those parts of him just battle deep inside of him). Because of this, humans are often easier for him to interact with because he knows they will all 'leave' him (i.e. die), so he oddly feels more comfortable knowing how that relationship will end -- this allows him to feel both attached and unattached at the same time, which suits how he operates a lot of the time. with icelanders especially, he's kind of well-connected and liked (in part because he's generally much more down to earth and fairly considerate in comparison to a lot of other nations) even though he doesn't feel like he is.

i think poland should be a popular livestreamer on twitch. i have seen others posts about this before and i think they are 100% right.

[deliciouskeys]

@cozycornerkinktober prompt 4: Overstimulation

Side Ribs (Maeve x Homelander)

Warnings: none unless you have a tickling phobia. Rated E for general sexual situation backdrop.

Set in 2008. Any similarities to @xieyaohuan ‘s lovely piece for the same prompt are purely coincidental the result of an overlapping hive mind. Also owe inspiration to an anon ask sent to @blindmagdalena and Antony Starr’s tweet about his side rib area being a no fun zone. AO3 link.

“You’re always so damn quick,” Maeve says, smiling down at him from her perch on his cock.

“Shut up.” Homelander swallows down the urge to laser her right then and there for looking so amused. Maybe this whole relationship was a mistake. Homelander was insanely attracted to her from the moment he saw her– everything about her, from the way she looked, to how strong and durable she was, and even down to her rebellious personality. He was shocked by it at first, then annoyed by it, but at the same time he couldn’t help admiring how she’d sometimes just talk back to the Vought executives, or refuse to do something when she deemed it pointless or stupid. Before seeing her, it had honestly not occurred to him that he could potentially do that too. When he tried it out with Madelyn she immediately put a stop to it, though. “You’re too old to be copying your girlfriend’s bad behavior,” she said sternly and Homelander nodded but secretly kept admiring whenever Maeve didn’t follow the rules as much as he did.

Maeve never seemed to admire him much, though. He found it confusing. Wasn’t he repeatedly told he was superior to everyone else? It eventually dawned on him that Maeve didn’t necessarily value how easily he could destroy things, or how fast he could fly. She knows more things about the “real world”, she has a sharp sense of humor that he can only try to learn and emulate, and she just cares less about what people think of her, which is an amazing type of strength he hadn’t even considered until meeting her. She is, plain and simple, a much cooler person than he is.

That’s probably how this whole shaky dynamic developed. Two weeks ago he decided to up the stakes from what was a curated, fake PR relationship and ask her out on a real date, and he was so nervous while he asked that he prayed she couldn’t hear his racing, nervous heartbeat like he could hear her steady one. She shrugged and agreed to give it a try, and the same evening they found themselves in his apartment. Things went south from the get-go. She refused to sleep with him in his bed. She didn’t like the mirrors, implied he was weird for putting them there, although she didn’t really explain why. He’s honestly amazed at how good she looks given how little time she seems to spend in front of any mirror. So these two weeks he’s stayed over every night and slept in her bed, and he soon confirmed what he suspected– that even though she’s five years younger than him, she’s had a lot more experience with a lot more people than he did. It irked him and disgusted him a little bit, but she was just too damn attractive to hold it against her. But now he has a chip on his shoulder, and the feeling that he needs to assert himself in bed.

Maeve makes to move off of him, but he clamps down on her legs. “Just fuckin’…. stay there,” he growls.

She rolls her eyes. “You’re gonna try that thing where you come three times without ever pulling out? I’m tired of bouncing around on your cock. If you really want to make it up to me for being a fucking minuteman, why don’t you at least do it using your mouth.”

Homelander grimaces. Eating her out was fine, but something about the idea of encountering his own fluids with his tongue was not to his liking.

“Such a prude,” she says, as if reading his mind from his expression, and he seriously considers getting into a wrestling match with her- the one arena where he’s pretty sure he can overpower her, even if he doesn’t resort to heat vision. But he honestly can’t be sure even about that. She’s deft and quick and maybe he’s underestimating her yet again.

When Maeve makes to move off of his cock again, he grabs her by the waist and pulls her down, more roughly this time because he’s getting frustrated with her.

“Ow!” she whines, but he can tell she’s just being dramatic, rubbing the side of her torso where he grabbed her. “Bastard!” She abruptly reaches down to the side of his body, touching him in a way that makes him jerk and throw her off of himself, because he suddenly feels extremely vulnerable.

“Oh so you do have a weakness!” she says with a note of triumph, grinning as she clambers out of the tangle of sheets he shoved her into.

“What the fuck did you just do to me?” Homelander is rubbing his side, disturbed by whatever sensation that was. Did she find a way to short-circuit his sense of touch somehow?

“What do you mean?” Maeve laughs. When Maeve laughs in the bedroom, he always has to fight down the assumption that she’s making fun of him.

“What did you just do?” he repeats, calming down a little bit.

“You mean– THIS?” she blurts out the last word as her hand descends on his ribs again and starts wiggling them across his skin.

“FUCK.” He rolls away from her, and gathers up the blanket defensively around himself.

“Oh my god. You’re fucking ticklish! I bet no one knows this!”

He blinks at her. He’s heard about tickling and people being ticklish. He’d always assumed it was some bizarre weakness he wasn’t privy to, like being “sleepy” or “depressed”. No one had ever triggered him like this.

“What’s tickling, exactly?” he asks her and immediately regrets it when she bursts out laughing.

“What are you saying? Is this the first time you’ve ever been tickled or something…” She trails off and her smile fades a little bit. “Wait, you seriously have never…”

It’s that familiar feeling where Homelander feels stupid and ignorant and embarrassed that he was apparently raised differently from everyone else. No matter how many times they tell him he’s special and better than all the rest, why is he always in these situations where he’s caught off guard and defensive about not knowing apparently simply things?

“They sure raised you weird,” Maeve says, and her tone is no longer mocking. She scooches closer to him and strokes his face, which is the only thing not under the blanket. “Tickling is just… when you get touched in certain places and you feel uncomfortable and start to laugh.”

“I’ve never felt uncomfortable when I touched my ribs!”

“You can’t tickle yourself. It’s only when someone else touches you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Homelander grumbles, still feeling defensive, but relaxing a little bit. “And why would you laugh if it’s uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know, I’m not an expert. It’s like when you’re… nervous that someone will do something to you. That’s why it can’t just be you doing it to yourself.”

Homelander huffs through his nose and looks up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

Maeve sighs. “Look, I’m sorry I laughed, it’s just very strange to hear someone in his late 20s has never been tickled or knows what it feels like. But I get it. You told me. They didn’t really touch you much. That’s pretty sad actually.”

Homelander gets even more uncomfortable hearing what sounds like pity in her voice, and thankfully she seems to notice this and pivots the conversation.

“You want me to… show you?”

“Why would I want to feel uncomfortable?!” Homelander snaps at her.

“Because, it can be enjoyable, I think. We can figure out where you’re ticklish and where you’re not.”

Homelander looks over at her and relents cautiously, unwrapping himself slowly out of the blanket.

She keeps eye contact with him as she strokes her index finger along his chest. “Feel anything?” she asks.

“No?” he says in annoyance, still not quite convinced she’s even talking about the right phenomenon. What he felt when she reached down and touched his ribs was not enjoyable in the slightest. Not something a parent would do to their child.

Her finger travels up to his shoulder.

“No,” he answers her unspoken question.

But then she takes her finger down his body, heading towards the same side ribs she touched and he bucks and squirms away before she even gets there.

“Okay, okay,” she laughs. “I won’t touch you there. See, you’re so ticklish there that I don’t even have to touch you.”

Slowly but surely he lets her explore. Whatever’s happening, he’s probably never seen her be so interested in his body. He can’t take her touching his neck, his armpits, and the middle of his stomach either, but he starts to understand. It’s a bit of a game. And when he trusts her more, he finds himself giving into laughter sometimes. The giggles are embarrassing– high-pitched, like he’s never heard himself sound before. But she doesn’t seem to judge him for it, even seems charmed by him.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh before, John,” she says when she’s done with her investigation.

Homelander scoffs. “That can’t be.”

“I’ve heard you make the sound you made just now plenty of times. The ugly mean sarcastic laugh. But never your actual happy or nervous laugh.”

“You think I’m mean?”

“Very.”

“That must be why we get along so well then,” Homelander says. He looks over at her and tries to catch her unawares, but she’s on to what he’s trying to do, faster than him somehow, lightning-quick, her hands grabbing his sides before he has a chance to do it to her, tickling him mercilessly. He can’t gather himself enough to retaliate. He’s writhing and laughing to tears, still trying to be careful not to kick or punch her even as he’s attempting to squirm away, because the tickling is unbearable, and is completely overloading his senses. The loss of control over his own body is intoxicating.

“Maeve… please…Maeve... I can’t…” his words keep getting interrupted by pained laughter, tears actually streaming down his face, but it feels so good to be at her mercy, not to be judged, to have Maeve be so fucking interested in his body all of a sudden. Every time her hand reaches for a new place, he feels like he’s going insane with fear and arousal. At this point, he can’t stand having almost any part of his body touched, even the ones that weren’t sensitive before, like he’s primed for being assaulted and feels the discomfort before her hands even alight on his skin. He’s rolled up to protect his vulnerable front side, but at this point even her touching his back is sending him into convulsions.

Eventually he’s worn out but manages to grab hold of her wrists and hold them far away from his neck and torso. His whole body feels weakened and pliable, like jello, after all the nerve-wracked laughter and squirming, but he somehow enjoys feeling that way. Maeve smiles and cranes her neck to kiss him. But once she pulls back, she moves her head back and forth, the ends of her long red hair dragging across his already overstimulated neck, and he loses it again, throwing her off and scooting away from her. But he’s not disturbed or pouty this time. He enjoys how sweet Maeve’s laughter sounds when they’re playing like this. He’s honestly glad no one’s ever done this to him before. It’s an amazing discovery, and now it’s something he’ll associate with her forever.

Maeve is good at playing flirty games outside of their bedroom too. In the following weeks, she keeps slipping in a touch here and there when no one else around them seems to be paying attention. Homelander tries not to react, tries not to jerk away or make any kind of sound, but it takes all of his restraint. She knows exactly where she can poke him, quickly figuring out how she can inflict torture even through his padded suit.

“You’re on very thin ice,” he hissed at her through gritted teeth after she discreetly reached under the table, so discreetly that he didn’t even notice, and attacked him viciously just above the belt, so viciously that even the padded abs didn’t offer enough protection from her fingers. He bucked away from the table, and Madelyn paused her presentation, looking at both of them quizzically. And yet, despite how embarrassed he is to lose composure, or disrupt Madelyn, or the fact that his suit can barely cover up how much he associates being tickled with sex, Homelander’s on cloud nine. He has a secret relationship that Vought may have planned out for him but never sanctioned as a real thing. And his girlfriend is hot and spontaneous and playful and rebellious. She’s not afraid of him. She has secret jokes with him. He’s giddy with love. He’s probably going to marry her, Vought’s PR assessments of that move be damned.

[cuprohastes]

But do they dance?

The nice thing about Garf and Un-Named male was how well they integrated with everyone on The Station.

For example, when Garf spotted Dave the Human sneaking up on his counterpart, the other Dave The Human, with an audio probe, she flashed him some querulous colours and hunkered down alongside to see what was up instead of giving the game away.

Dave put a finger to his lips and Un-Named male, poking his head out of Garf's pouch copied him.

The Tsin known as Dave the Human hadn't spotted them, or was choosing not to, and human Dave pointed the audio probe at her and gently adjusted the controls for pitch shift.

Very quietly, Garf could hear a whistling, tweeting sound, quite rhythmic, shifting around, much to Dave's evident delight.

It ended with a startled squeep, and Dave The Human looked back at them.

"What are you three up to?" She demanded.

Dave cackled and waved the audio probe. "Listening to you sing!" He said.

The Tsin's ears twisted and she swayed slightly. "… what about it?"

"Humans can't hear it - Too high frequency." Dave explained.

"I hadn't heard about it either" said Garf.

Un-Named said "Grak!"

"What do you mean you knew?"

"Graaak."

"Oh, well I haven't read that in a while. Huh. Tsin sing all the time?"

"Even more than humans" said Dave The Human. "But it's not words, just… y'know." And put her big hands up on her forehead and wiggled her claws. "Like an Atrax'gkk'kk'tk'gk".

"Huh. Said Garf, colours rippling across the patch of colour display skin on her face, her Atrix Atrax'gkk'kk'tk'gk (Name displaying aspect of the thoughtful ones) - a deliciously archaic word. Garf was impressed that Dave even knew it.

Human Dave shook his head. "Don't look at me, I'd need practice to say that."

Tsin Dave tipped her head side to side. "I don't think Atrix sing?"

Garf said "Mm. Just not a thing we do. We do colour harmonies but thats a group thing, you have to be able to see each other. We don't do it on our own, the way Humans and Tsin do."

Tsin Dave rubbed her chin. "Yeah it's a subconcious thing. We're always singing. It's how we co-ordinate and know where people are." Human Dave wondered if that was a result of Tsin quad-gender biology and very carefully didn't mention chickens.

"Is that why Humans sing?" Asked Garf.

Dave the human, scratched his chin and pondered. "I mean it can be? We do social singing, for sure. But we also sing on our own, or listen to other people when nobody is about. But sometimes yeah… we have special songs for groups… for work or just for socialness.

Dave The Human looked fascinated. "What does a work song sound like?"

Garf looked on while Dave the Human dug out his tablet, cued up a bizarre sound and launched into a rhythmic method of speech, which appeared to be regarding a sailor who was inebriated, and querying what should be done with the individual, while also suggesting various actions that seemed nonsensical, dangerous or inadvisable.

Dave The Human was very amused by this and joined in though her low-tones that she used for talking to Atrix and Humans weren't as easyfor he to sing with, but she assured them both that it was a lot easier to whistle along with.

"What about social music?" She asked.

Dave pulled up an old, old video. It was a field of dusty red with an odd white noise. With a start, Garf realised it was so many humans that they appeared to be a field of flowers

Even the Tsin looked a little shaken by how many humans could sing together.

"What are they doing? They're moving together… how are they doing that?"

"What… Dancing? It's just… wait. How do you not know about dancing?"

Garf and Dave The Human looked blank.

Dave the Human pulled up some examples. "Is that just a human thing?" Asked Garf with fascination.

Dave pondered that. "Nnno…" he replied and found some examples. Dogs, cows, Elephants swaying in time. Birds bopping to the beat, or doing display dances. Garf, Doctorate in Human studies could smell another paper to be published. Will humans dance with anything?

Two days later, after some research, the common area was ambushed by one (1) large Atrix, and one (1) small Atrix, with audio equipment and a selection of songs deemed danceable by Dave a well known example of a human and, one (1) Tsin.

They taped off a square, which Dave The Human occupied, and immediately began to awkwardly dance to the music.

Admittedly Dave The Human wasn't dancing so much as repeating some moves she'd learned.

This resulted in bemused stares until Garf called: "Doing a study, join in!"

And thusly having been given the heads up that this was not a display but some sort of group effort, for the first time in history, a Tsin danced and led a group of humans in a square dance, on a small space station, around an alien world.

Only one mystery remained to Garf: Where did Cotton Eyed Joe come from, and where did he go?

Two days after that, Alice in the Astronomy lab found their ST4 floor cleaner lurking, gently customised with springy arms holding fuzzy pom-poms. It of course already had a face drawn on and a pair of stick-on googly eyes.

"What's up, BB-Y?"a she asked and the ST4 lit it's little lights up and beepled a happy tune, it's new arms waving as it twisted side to side and moved backward and forward.

Alice, stared, laughed, and then started to clap along - within moments she was dancing along with ST4 BB-Y, quietly recorded for posterity.

Un-Named male went viral on the website Little Guys being Weird Little Guys with compilation of him getting humans to dance.

"All in all," said Dave the Human, "It was lot of fun, and fairly harmless. "Humdance" is a bit of an exercise fad on Atrix, though I believe the Tsin may wipe us all from existence now we've provided them with several new earworms."

Dave The Human looked up form where she was humming "Put a birdhouse in your soul" and hissed, much to Dave's delight.

[sweettoothedtrickster13]

Warning: Image ID contains mentions of murder and suicide. Image ID under the cut.

[Image ID: A series of tweets by sixthformpoet at sixthformpoet. I have not denoted where one tweet ends and another begins, other than expressing the breaks between the three stories.

The first story is as follows:

My dad died. Classic start to a funny story. He was buried in a small village in Sussex. I was really close to my dad so I visited his grave a lot. I still do. [DON'T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNIER.]

I always took flowers and my mum visited a lot and she always took flowers and my grandparents were still alive then and they also took flowers. My dad's grave frequently resembled a solid third place at the Chelsea Flower Show.

Nice but I felt bad for the guy buried next to my dad. He NEVER had flowers. Died on Christmas Day aged 37, no one left him flowers and now there's a pop-up florist in the grave next door. So I started buying him flowers. I STARTED BUYING FLOWERS FOR A DECEASED MAN I NEVER MET.

I did this for quite some time, but I never mentioned it to anyone. It was a little private joke with myself, I was making the world a better place one bunch of flowers at a time. I know it sounds weird but I came to think of him as a friend.

I wondered if there was a hidden connection between us, something secretly drawing me to him. Maybe we went to the same school, played for the same football club or whatever. So I googled his name, and seconds later I found him.

His wife didn't leave him flowers because HE'D MURDERED HER. ON CHRISTMAS DAY. After he murdered his wife, he murdered her parents, too. And after that he jumped in front of the only train going through Balcombe tunnel that Christmas night.

THAT was why no one ever left him flowers. No one except me, of course. I left him flowers. I left him flowers every couple of weeks. Every couple of weeks FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

I felt terrible for his wife and her parents. Now, I wasn't going to leave them flowers every couple of weeks for two and a half years but I did feel like I owed them some sort of apology.

I found out where they were buried bought flowers and drove to the cemetery. As I was standing at their graves mumbling apologies, a woman appeared behind me. She wanted to know who I was and why I was leaving flowers for her aunt and grandparents. AWKWARD.

I explained and she said ok that's weird but quite sweet. I said thanks, yes it is a bit weird and oh god I ASKED HER OUT FOR A DRINK. Incredibly, she said yes. Two years later she said yes again when I asked her to marry me because that is how I met my wife.

The second story is as follows:

We had two children and last year they said they wanted to go to Disneyland. We saved up and booked it but rather than say sure you want to go to Disneyland let's go to Disneyland, we decided to make them earn it. I told them we needed to raise £3,000.

Every time they did something good, I'd add £10. Every time they were naughty, I'd take £10 away. £3,000 and we'd go to Disneyland IMMEDIATELY so if they did ten good things a day without being naughty they could go in a month. Easy.

Suddenly they were PERFECT children. I'd get home and they'd be all how was your day, can we take your coat? I'd say oh this is nice oh right wait I get it, sure add ten pounds and they'd say ten pounds is that all- we said hi, took your coat- SURE OK ADD SIXTY POUNDS.

The day before we were due to go, they were on £2,950. We were playing frisbee in the park and it landed next to a homeless guy. We went over and said hello. His name was John and he was an artist and he did a VERY AMUSING Kermit the Frog impression.

Walking home it became clear my children had never seen a homeless person before. They wanted to know why he had so much stuff. I said he was living there and they said what about his house and where does he wash and WHAT ABOUT HIS JOB?

I tried to explain homelessness and they were like if he doesn't have any money you should just give him some. CHRIST. I said money doesn't grow on trees and all the spare cash *we* have is taking us to Disneyland. YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

We got home and they said they had an announcement to make like they were calling a press conference. They didn't want to spend that £2,950 on Disneyland, they wanted to pay for that guy to have somewhere to live. FUCKING HELL KIDS WE'RE GOING IN THE MORNING.

I was like ok look it's a really complicated issue and we don't even know him and it's so lovely that I'm so proud of you but SERIOUSLY GO TO BED we've got an early start. But they were adamant.

I went back and told him the story and said look I can't cancel Disneyland and I don't have another three grand lying around but we can pay for you to stay in a hostel for a bit. He cried and said no, I cried and said SERIOUSLY THEY'LL NEVER FORGIVE ME.

He said ok thank you and I drove him to a hostel and booked him in. We stayed in touch and he came round for Christmas Day. Bless him he brought a cuddly Mickie and Minnie Mouse with him. Lovely - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

The third story is as follows:

I lived next door to a couple called Lucy and Tim. They were both lovely but very different to each other. He was a gregarious GET IN HERE AND DRINK CHAMPAGNE WITH ME type, she was far more reserved.

Two years ago, completely out of the blue, Tim died. I went round with some flowers and a card and said look I don't want to intrude, I just want you to know that we're here if you need us. I have her my number. She didn't use it.

Not for the first 18 months anyway. Last Christmas we had a million people round for dinner and and it was early evening and everyone was a bit drunk. The phone rang - Lucy. She said Matt I've tried to kill myself. FUCK.

I said ok I'm coming over, can you let me in? She said no I've taken pills but the kitchen door is open. I got someone to call an ambulance and went outside to climb over the fence. In my shorts and t-shirt. On Christmas night.

It was freezing and starting to rain but anyway. I climbed over the fence, slipped, got covered in mud, grazed my legs BUT ANYWAY. I went to the kitchen door and let myself in. She was sitting in a chair with a vacant expression and said Matt am I going to die?

I said I have no idea tbh what exactly have you done? Pills she said. PILLS AND GIN. I said ok how many pills? Honest to god she said four. I went FOUR IS THAT ALL? (I mean my clothes were a mess!!) How many gins? She said two large ones. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She said I'm not going to die, am I? I said YOU PROBABLY WON'T EVEN HAVE A HANGOVER YOU CLOWN. There was a knock at the door - the paramedic. He asks how many pills she's had. She looks at me, arches a brow and says twelve pills. A LIE.

The paramedic asks how many gins and again Lucy looks at me first, arches a brow and LIES THROUGH HER TEETH. Twelve gins, she said. Christ.

The paramedic caught on and Lucy confessed. It was agreed she would probably survive four ibuprofen and a couple of gins and the paramedic said she could come with me. I took her to my house and introduced her to everyone.

Everyone including John, our homeless friend from Part Two, remember? They got along famously and to cut a long story short THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED. Next year they'll get married in the exact same village in which this story began. AWWWWWWWW.

End Image ID]

I AM ABSOLUTELY LOSING MY MIND AFTER READING THIS PLEASE READ IT

[shurisneakers]

unsolved (i)

Summary: Bucky doesn't even believe in the paranormal. So who the hell thought it was a good idea to stick him in a series about everything haunted for the internet's amusement? With his loose-canon of a teammate who has no concept of subtlety or any shits left to give, to make things even worse. (Buzzfeed unsolved AU)

Warnings: swearing, frustrated bucky at his little shit supreme, Very Loud reader, images and memes that all have alt texts.

A/N: yes this is literally harmless in a different font. do not ask me if anything doesn't make sense. i cannot explain. i resurface every 3 years to present you with ideas born from menty b's. ANYWAY shout out to my beloved ryan and shane. pls enjoy <3

Bucky doesn’t appeal to the youths.

Apparently. 

On God, he cannot fathom why.

He had definitely left the house in the last six months, maybe. Smiled in at least two pictures that existed on the internet. He even knew what Discord was. Sort of.  

By all accounts, he should be treated as the modern day icon that he was.  

“The youths?” he repeats, the word so foreign on his tongue it felt odd to even say it.

“Your numbers are the lowest of the whole team.” The latest tech-dude, with a tablet twelve models ahead of the one Bucky had in his room, tells him monotonously. “Wilson, Romanoff and Barton score the highest. Everyone else lies around the middle. You are dead-last.”

Bucky has the audacity to look offended. 

“Anything to say?” Their PR head, Maya, asks him, amused. 

He stares, formulating the wittiest one liner he could in three seconds.

“I don’ care,” he mumbles. 

Maya sighs. “Look, the team took the decision together. As far as I’m aware, you are still a member. You need some PR if you guys want to stay in the public’s good books.”

“No one’s gonna listen to me.” Bucky wasn’t exactly the poster child for American values. He couldn’t even vote until three years ago, and that came only after the full wrath of a Steve Rogers descended on the email inbox of the DMV. 

“That’s why it’s important to get them to like you,” Maya emphasizes. “Or the idea of you at least. A very sanitized, corporate friendly version.”

His eyebrow twitches unintentionally.  

“And also you signed the contract.”

Well. Shit. 

Truth be told– and he has openly and rather loudly stated this on numerous occasions even especially when no one asked– he doesn’t understand why they need a PR team. The world has calmed down significantly over the last few years. Bucky hadn’t really been out crime-fighting as much as he was people-watching. There hasn’t been an earth-shatteringly dystopian-level event in the longest time, and there seemed to be a group of spandex-clad teenagers who seemed to do a good job at taking care of them when they did threaten to occur. Go kids.

Even if they needed PR, he could arguably understand the appeal of Sam and Nat and why the people would want to see more of them. Bucky, on the other hand, looked like he crawled onto Earth most days of the week. 

“What do I have to do?” he asks ultimately, knowing there was no way to get out of this. “Interviews?”

The intern shares a look with Maya. Bucky shares a look with the ceiling. 

“The team agreed to do a series of videos, each focusing on a different niche,” she begins, “Crash courses on science, pointing out mistakes in spy movies. Once a week.”

Bucky nods along. He can pinpoint Bruce and Nat for those.

Maya stares at him.

Bucky stares back.

“So,” she says slowly, like he’s a moron, “you would–”

“No.” 

The intern sighs heavily like they discussed that this was going to happen. Bucky was getting predictable. This annoys him even further, for some reason.

“Only once a week, and it doesn’t have to be anything crazy–”

“I’m not doing videos,” he interjects. “I’ll tweet a few times. I’ll even go outside. But ’m not doin’ videos.”

A big step was to get the Avengers off Twitter after the regular shit-storm that occurs every time they’d quote-tweet another politician calling them shitheads. Getting them back on seems counterproductive. 

“Fine,” Maya relents, looking at the intern. “We'll work something out.”

Bucky leans back in his chair, and meditating on ways he can weasel his way out of those too.

So they stick him in a couple of interviews.

Bucky, as the recluse extraordinaire that he was, does unsurprisingly terrible at them.

Variety does a piece on him that was supposed to take up 2 pages. They send back half a page worth of usable material and Bucky gets a lecture on how monosyllables don't count as answers.

He grunts in return. Maya’s itch to smack his shoulder with the rolled up draft increases.

They set him up for pap walks. Just him getting fast food for the team, or sitting in the park.

They don’t take into account that Bucky was trained professionally for years on how to hide, sneak in and out of places without a soul knowing he was ever there. 

The paparazzi spend three hours waiting for him outside the pizza place, while he’s been home for two hours with two demolished pepperonis and an order of mozzarella sticks. 

They give him access to his Twitter. 

He tweets some dumb shit and gets shadow banned by that evening. 

Maya is sick and tired, and the interns have shifted three times since the whole ordeal started. Bucky honestly feels a little bad. Maybe he should try to be like Scott, who not only wrote a book, finger-gunned at photographers, did an interview a week, but also agreed to a podcast and a video series about literally anything they suggested. 

“Play nice,” Sam tells Bucky one evening. 

It’s an off-hand comment, not even really looking at him while he says it. 

Bucky doesn’t need to ask what he’s referring to, but he thinks that maybe he has gone too far.

He begrudgingly agrees. 

Therefore, it begins. 

They stick him in the background of a few videos. Just to interact, add his commentary on what was going on, suggestions. 

Then the jokes really start.

“I just don’t got anything to add,” Bucky tries, in a failure of an attempt to justify his lack of contribution. 

Maya only stares at him, but Bucky swears he can hear her curse quietly, even though her lips don’t move even a millimeter.  

He is not put in another video. 

And so he finds himself here. 

In a meeting room that he’s convinced is barricaded from the outside so he can’t slither out the door again. Another intern with pink-tinted glasses that took up half their face.

Maya’s in the midst of explaining to him that sure, his numbers had gone up by a decimal, but that was because people had started editing him into the backgrounds of other pictures for other users to find in a perplexing take on Where’s Waldo.

“Videos seem to be working,” she ties it together. “But we need more than you just standing silently behind Captain Rogers.”

“But it’s working,” Bucky objects. “I don’t see why it has to change.”

Maya sends him a glare. Bucky decides then it’s good to shut up. 

“Are you on the internet a significant amount?” the intern asks. The glasses on their face have changed colours to green. Bucky’s eyebrow furrows. 

“No.” 

For the next thirty minutes, he is subjected to a pop quiz about too many words ending with ‘core’, ‘coded’ and ‘eras’. He’s surprised that he knows what cottagecore is. He definitely doesn’t fucking know what a tomatogirl, nor does he want to. 

“What do you like doing?” the intern enunciates, pulling up a spreadsheet of niches that had built a dedicated community around themselves over the years. “Makeup? Cleaning? Parkour?”

Bucky wonders if they’d really create a montage of him just micro cleaning the kitchen every week. It doesn’t sound half bad. 

Beyond that, the only thing he can think of is woodworking, which Sam introduced him to. While he spends time creating little figures, he wouldn’t say it was– 

“You really are dead silent,” the intern breaks his train of thought, tone almost that of wonder. “Guess the whole ‘ghost story for seventy years’ is more true than I thought.”

Bucky throws him a weary look, and works on unclenching the fist that tightened involuntarily. 

“Was that necessary?” Maya’s voice comes coldly. “Take fifteen. Go find the other one we were supposed to meet.”

While sheepish and somewhat apologetic, the kid still looks relieved to be out of there. To be honest, Bucky isn’t really offended– he’s grown a thick skin over the years. But he also thought the guy was a little shit now. 

Maya turns back to him, but Bucky finds that the table contains wonders far more interesting than the conversation at hand.

“Back to what we were talking about.” She ruffles through something on her laptop. “Puppets? History?”

He wordlessly shakes his head. 

Been the former, seen too much of the latter.

Maya’s head tilts abruptly. “You like ghosts?”  

He wonders if the prior conversation had anything to do with this insightful question. 

Bucky shrugs. “Don’t exist.”

“Really,” Maya deadpans. “Aliens and multiversal baboons are fine, but no ghosts.”

“I’ve seen aliens and multiversal baboons. Never seen a ghost in my life,” Bucky argues right back.

“Other people have seen ghosts.”

“Good for other people.”

The door swings open right as Maya’s eyes narrow at him. Guess it wasn’t padlocked. 

“Whatever it is you think I did, Maya, I didn’t. I think,” you announce in a volume too much for a closed room, stopping when you see Bucky sitting cross-armed and looking delightfully disgruntled. “Oh hey, Barnes. Fancy seeing you here.”

Bucky had met you. The newest addition to the team that had made a grand entrance a couple of weeks ago. He thinks you stay on the floor below him, but he has nothing backing this hypothesis other than the disco funk music that had started appearing at odd hours of the night. 

“Please sit,” Maya cracks a smile at you that Bucky had yet to earn. “Sorry, I know our meeting is scheduled for later, but I figured we could kill two birds with one stone.”

You look between her and Bucky, who hasn’t moved an inch since you got here, much less even said hello.

“You must be really bad if Maya had to call me in,” you tell him outright. “I’m usually like, her last option.”

“Thanks,” Bucky replies dryly. 

“Look, here’s my final pitch.” Maya sighs, before turning to you. “You’re new, and we need something to introduce you slowly to the public.”

“Oh, am I finally getting hard launched?” You grin, and Bucky doesn’t know what that means. “Just imagine me kicking my feet, giggling or whatever.” 

“And he needs… an upgrade.” Maya’s thumb juts out towards Bucky who simply rolls his eyes.

“Right.” Your sight lands on him from across the table. “I’ve seen the memes.”

“What memes?” he grunts, because while the team had definitely seen them, it didn't occur to anyone they should show it to him. He loves them. Really. So much. Die for them. 

You only look too happy to pull out your phone and start typing.

“Do you know what skinwalkers are?” 

“No.”

“That’s what they say you look like, lurking in the back of all your friends’ videos,” you continue, swerving around your phone to show him.

Bucky doesn’t look impressed. He can’t say he blames them either, which makes him inexplicably maddens him.  

“At least they’re calling you their boyfriend,” you add, entirely unhelpfully. “That’s gotta count.”

“Right.” Maya clears her throat. “The both of you–” 

“Are getting paired together, I suppose,” you hum. 

Bucky’s eyebrows pull together. 

He barely knows you. Just a little bit on how you ended up here, that you enjoyed hanging out with the team, figuring out your place in the compound, and were seemingly doing a great job at it. 

You were… loud. And open. 

Bucky feels the compulsive need to compensate for that by doubling down on how silent he could get, as if the two of you couldn’t co-exist in the same space in equilibrium. 

Maya pointedly raises a finger at you. “Do you believe in ghosts?”

“For the right price, I will believe in whatever you tell me to.”

Her face lights up brighter than Bucky's ever seen.

“Great.” Maya slams her laptop closed. “See you later.”

Bucky’s left staring as she exits, not even throwing the both of you another look.

“That was quick,” your voice cuts through the silence. “What was that all about?”

 “Don’ ask me,” he grumbles, with a sinking feeling that he knew exactly what was about to follow. 

“Ghost hunting?” Bucky echoes a week later, as expected.

“Yes,” Maya tells him simply. “Two of you. A series based on paranormal activity.”

“I don’t even believe in them,” he reiterates. 

“That’s the point,” she emphasises. “Skeptic and believer. It makes for a good contrast.”

“Why us both?” He hopes it doesn’t come off as offensive. He just doesn’t see why he can’t do this with Sam. Even Clint, if a gun was really pressed to his head. 

“I’m new, no one gives a shit about me,” you say brightly and full of promise. “Yet.”

“Exactly. It’ll be low key. Not an overwhelming number of viewers, no expectations. It’s perfect for launching one Avenger and re-launching another.”

“Sounds rad.” You grin, leaning back as your feet rest on the chair in front of you.

Maya looks relieved for a moment that at least one of you was on board. “No promises on anything. We shoot one video, and if it does well, we stick with it.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Bucky argues. 

“Then you have until tomorrow morning to give us another feasible idea,” Maya dishes back.

Bucky retreats into his seat, arms crossed over his chest. 

Truth be told, he considered himself to be the most boring person in the team and though he had made his peace with that, he was sure thar bringing that up now would entail Maya shooting him in the foot.

“Fine,” he agrees and the sighs around the room are loud. 

He scoffs. So fucking dramatic and for what.

“Put her there, partner.” You stretch ungracefully over the large table, sticking out your hand.

Bucky eyes your hand. “Do you even believe in ghosts?” 

“I do now, yeah.” You nod seriously. “Love ‘em. Can’t get enough of them.”

“One video,” Maya reminds him as a balm. “And if it doesn’t work, you’re off the hook forever.”

Off the hook? Forever? For Bucky?

Yay. 

“One video,” he reiterates.

You roll your eyes before smiling when he leans forward to grab it. You yank it up and down clunkily. He blinks at you, letting go slowly. 

“Thank fuck,” Maya groans, head dropping onto the table. 

Your smile is wild. “Guess we’re doing this shit together.”

He doesn’t even have to look very deep in his soul. He already knows he’s going to suffer.

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing!

to keep up with updates for this fic and others, please follow @shurisneakersupdates and turn on post notifications!

also i'd absolutely love to make this a community led fic like how harmless was! if you have memes or any paranormal ideas or just any prompts in general, please please send them my way <3

Next part

[bustyasianbeautiespod]

Episode 7 Transcript: They Haven't Even Tried Penetration Yet!

[Garageband version of Buddy Holly’s “Everyday” plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times…

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every single episode of Good Omens. 

C: For today’s episode, we are discussing Season 2, Episode 1: “The Arrival.” It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

G: Season 2, baby! I think it's really bad. [C laughs] I sincerely think it's really bad.

C: Yeah, no, that is how that goes. I think, 'cause it's like, due to the having seen it multiple times-

G: You're immune, yeah.

C: It's like, all the issues with it sorta just flatten out 'cause you expect them already. So I was just like, "Wow! I smiled one time? [G laughs] I thought I would smile zero times. Yay!"

G: No, I feel like- I mean, I rewatched this episode. I watched it twice. So the first time, you don't really know when you're allowed to disengage, 'cause, you know, it's your first time watching so you think everything is going to be relevant or whatever. So I really like, hated it 'cause like, it was forcing me to pay attention to things that I did not give a shit about. [C laughs] But like, in my second watch, when I can just zone out completely when I don't care what's happening on screen because I already know what's happening, it was fine. So maybe that's what was happening with you also.

C: Yeah, probably. I watched this episode three times this week. Twice, with no notes, and then once with, and it's just 'cause I missed them, so it was nice to see them.

G: Yeah. I didn't even bother with notes. That's how much I did not give a shit about this one. Okay, I did give a shit about it. The episode made me think, but it's bad. Like, it's a bad watching experience. [G laughs] That's so mean. That's so mean.

C: Yeah, I think just due to the unanswered questions about where the characters are now, it's like, "Okay, how did they get here?"

G: Yeah. Implications, Yeah. Neil Gaiman has a writing partner this season. John Finnemore.

C: Yes. I have not experienced any of John Finnemore's work, but I believe that he did Cabin Pressure, which is a radio drama that a lot of people have found amusing. I think Benedict Cumberbatch is in it, though [G laughs], so I think that strikes out any amusingness it could have. So the summary for this episode, as per Jeff Bezos's personal, whatever, vanity project, is: "Retired angel Aziraphale and retired demon Crowley’s lives are upended when a visitor arrives on the doorstep of Aziraphale’s bookshop, bringing chaos. Local shopkeepers Maggie and Nina get locked in to Maggie’s-" Sorry. "Local shopkeepers Maggie and Nina get locked in to Nina's coffee shop when Crowley loses his temper. Heaven and Hell are suspicious, and Crowley and Aziraphale have a disagreement." [laughing] You can tell the writers were on strike when this was written.

G: God. I don't even want to start talking about this episode. Okay, should I say like, what I mean by "I don't like it"? It's unfunny. It's so terribly unfunny. Like, they debuted number 1 in Amazon Prime. Why is it so unfunny? Like, number one in comedy. That's like, the pinned Tweet in their Twitter. And it's so funny.

C: Yeah. I mean, that's the genre that they're in, but all of their views are from people who heard about the kiss, so.

G: It's, 1) It's unfunny, 2) It's so fucking corny. It is corny.

C: Yeah. You said it was a fanfiction-ass episode after the first time you watched it.

G: Yeah. I kept on saying it, actually I kept going back and forth because I would see Crowley and Aziraphale's face, and I'm like, "Oh my god, it's amazing!" And then they start talking, and I'm like, "This is a fanfiction-ass episode."

C: Well, you know, my theory that Neil Gaiman became bad at writing because of all the Tumblr asks he had to answer [G laughs] - Not "had to." He fully chose that life for himself. - really stands strong right now.

-

C: Well, we open before the beginning. The thing about this scene is that I first heard about it on July 18th via, like, some article about Season 2 of Good Omens and it was like, "Oh, yeah, they meet as angels building stars together," blah blah blah. And immediately, I messaged Danica, "i just don't like the idea that he knew angel crowley bc it makes the always knew there was good in you line feel cheaper like i knowww the last chapter of any fic where this happens is aziraphale going no i love you as a demon and how you do mean things sometimes i don't just like you bc i'm acquainted w your former pure self but still boo." And you know what? You know fucking what? I was right. My fears were so correct and right. So yeah. This is- they made this so that the "Enchanted" AMV could happen. [G laughs] Also, I don't know. To get it out of the way, I dislike this retconning of their first meeting. I liked that Eden was their first meeting. What did you think, Grey?

G:  I disliked this meeting because- I think maybe a part of it is also because when I first watched the show, I didn't know anything, and I didn't know these people. So this is like, really my first introduction, right? In Season 1, the Eden scene, I didn't know what the story is going to be about, and the Eden scene, while revealing some stuff about what it is about, it feels natural in the way it does it. Like, it really does feel like there is a principality of the Eastern Gate and the wily serpent of Eden just happened to meet up, and they would legitimately have this conversation, you know? This one, it feels like, "Oh, this is trying to tell me something." There is a point to this that isn't just us seeing how they are. There's no narration this episode, and I'm assuming the entirety of Season 2. We win some, truly, and we fucking lose some, also. [C laughing] Yeah. And the whole- the reason I'm bringing that up right now is that you would think that God bringing up the Eden scene is like, because it's going to be relevant to the story. But like, even now, after watching the entirety of Season 1, like, it is thematically relevant in that it brings up the sword, but, like, it also just feels very much like they met, and we're just seeing how they met. This one, like, it feels so wrong. Like, if God was narrating this, I would be like, "Yeah, that's reasonable." Like, I will be shown this by someone who knows how the story will progress in this way, and like, is intending for the start to progress this way. But because this is just something we're like, privy to for no narrative reason, I mean, you know, like, inside the narrative, it just feels so like, "Man, why?" Why?

C: It's like, I don't know, I feel like all the historical things in this season, like, I don't actually believe that they happened at that point during their timeline. Like, it was clearly written by someone who already knew all the other things that were gonna happen. Which, like, yes, it was written by someone who already knew all the other things that were gonna happen., but like, don't write it like you know it 'cause like, they don't know it yet.

G: Yeah! They don't.

C: I liked Eden 'cause I thought it was nice that, like, they were able to immediately establish a rapport, and it just seemed like they were just both sort of friendly people. But now it's like, "No, like, they used to know each other, so like, that's why they were able to have a casual convo." And it's like, well, [laughs] that's not what I thought. Give me back what I thought!

G: I mean, I probably am just, you know. But the feeling I got from this is that like, not that it didn't happen, just that they forgor. [laughs] Like, they don't remember this. So, I don't know. I still believe that like, when they met that time in Eden, it was like, the first to them because they just forgot this.

C: That would be nice.

G: I don't even- Why do I even think that? Is there anything in the story that will verify that in any way, shape, or form? Or like, dispute that?

C: That they forgot? I mean, you can believe it, but [G groans] there's nothing that really says anything either way about it.

G: Is there anything that says that they definitely remember?

C: That they d- eh, probably not.

G: Yeah. Well, then, they forgot, baby! [laughing] They forgot.

C: Okay, that would be- well, the wing thing.

G: Why? Why would you just say that and go silent completely? What's the wing thing?

C: I mean, like, you noticed the wing thing at the end of the scene.

G: Of course.

C: So like, that implies some amount of remembering if it was reenacted, right?

G: No! No.

C: No? Okay. Cool. I mean, I'd like to believe your thing.

G: [laughing] I believe so hard and so raw.

C: Okay. I'll try to believe so hard and so raw. I'll try my best.

G: I mean, Crowley is so cute. Crowley is so, so, so beautiful.

C: I know! I know! Every time, before I pressed play on this scene, I'm like, "I hate that it exists," [G laughs] and then I see them, and it's like, "Oh my god! Maybe everything's fine and everything's okay and everything's beautifully-written in this world."

G: Yeah, god.

C: One thing I like about them having known each other for so long is when Crowley says in Episode 3 of Season 1, like, "How long have we been friends? 6000 years?" I like that they weren't friends until Eden, at least.

G: Cares. Yeah.

C: Yeah, alright. So let's start with the actual scene. So we have angel!Crowley floating in space, which is like, darkness with lights and branches. CGI this scene, not great.

G: Holding a tires thing.

C: Yeah, holding a tire iron.

G: What's the fucking point of that?

C: The tire iron thing? I don't know. I guess just like, to connect some of their former self to their present self.

G: No but like, that's what you were saying, right? Like, you're writing this as if you already know what will happen, and that's why I hate it. That's why I hate that fucking tire whatever thing.

C: Well, it allowed them to have Hays Code-era gay sex, so that's something. [G sighs, then laughs]

G: The way that I just sighed so loud. [C laughs] But that is how I feel.

C: So they're wearing, like, these white robes with gold trim. They have their wings out. They're white, and they have silly Teletubby hair, which I love so much. It's like, short, but like, I don't know how to describe the style, but there is like, a large curl on the top of their head that bounces around a lot when they move their head, and it's very cute. They're very cute. They see like, a shooting star-looking thing and shout like, "Excuse me. Oi!" And it turns out to be Aziraphale, who lands next to Crowley and looks up at them, like, sort of like- I don't know how to d- Like, Aziraphale's such a fucking slut this scene [G laughs] is how I feel about every single facial expression he has. But is that just me?

G: No. Massive crush on this guy. Massive.

C: Yeah, yeah. 100%. Yeah. So he lands and is like, looking up, very eager to please, like, "Yes, was that you?" Crowley's just like- Crowley DGAF. Crowley's just focused on their job. And they have Aziraphale hold up this scroll while they crank up the nebula.

G: Have Hays Code sex? Yeah.

C: Yes. [G laughing] 'Cause they, like, Aziraphale holds the scroll like, in front of himself, like, around the like, abdomen, little lower, area. And then Crowley sticks the tire iron in the middle of the scroll, and then like, cranks it around a bunch. Yeah, like, alright. Good for you guys! They're both very young and new-seeming, and it's sweet. It is sweet. Crowley explains that that was priming the engine for creating something and is talking about how they've been waiting for this since forever. Both of them are very smiley, and it's kind of like, an awkward like, coworker-you-just-met kind of smiley, but like, they also are having fun. And yeah. Aziraphale is like, "Um, hello! I'm... Aziraphale!"

G: And Crowley's like, "Okay." [laughing]

C: And Crowley DGAF. Is just like, [dismissively] "Nice meeting you."

G: Crowley does not give a shit.

C: Yeah. Aziraphale looks so cute in his robes. Crowley is a stronger person than I'll ever be. He like, says some shit to conjure up matter, and also, "Let there be light."

G: Like, there's a music cue and everything.

C: Yeah, there's a whole music cue and everything. It's like, all of the cosmos, like, magic, whatever vibes. And then colors burst in, and it's bad CGI, and then Crowley like, fucking squees. [laughs] Like, I don't know what a better word for the sound they made is.

G: There's a word for it in Filipino. It's kilig, and it's like, the feeling that you feel when you're like, super happy or like, oftentimes, it's related to romance, but you can experience kilig in another avenues too. And he literally is experiencing kilig in this scene, and I'm so sad there's no English translation to it.

C: Yeah! It's so wonderful. Like, she does it multiple times. Yeah. So good. And then [laughs] we get the corniest fucking thing in the history of corn, which is that Crowley, looking at her nebula, goes, "Look at you. You're gorgeous."

G: [laughing] It's so corny! It's a fanfiction-ass episode! Fanfiction-ass episode.

C: And Aziraphale, smiling, [laughs] realizes, "Oh, you weren't talking about me." and then frowns a little and-

G: It's so corny!

C: Like, he would not fucking do that.

G: He would not fucking do that.

C: No one in the world would fucking do that. I guess in the world without the kiss, it's like, "We have to announce straight up that Neil Gaiman has renounced his ways [G laughing] and is gonna do a romance this season." But like, there's got to be better ways to do it. But you know, we saw him with Anathema and Newt, and we saw him with Madame Tracy and Shadwell. He can't write romance. He has to do this shit. They have like, a conversation where it's just like, they're so awkward but so cute! Where it's like, yeah, I don't know. They really feel like they're at like, some awkward office dinner party where you're trying to socialize and be nice, but you don't know how to-

G: That's not how you do that.

C: - so you just smile and do things to your voice about it.

G: I mean, I said "This is not how you do that!" [laughing] But that feels so mean because you- [laughing] Well, Aziraphale specifically is doing like, "You did a good job. It's very pretty." And it's so bad! It's so bad! [both laughing] Every single person who has talked to me like this in any setting whatsoever, I have vehemently hated. Crowley is so strong.

C: [laughing] Wait, what did you dislike about Aziraphale's thing?

G: Like, him going, "Well, it's very pretty! And I think you've done an excellent job." [laughing] Like, it's so bad. Shut the fuck up!

C: [still laughing] Wait, I still haven't heard the actual objection to it. Does it feel patronizing?

G: Not even that. It's, just shut up! I mean, I have personal hang-ups to talking to people in any situation [C laughs], so maybe that's why. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, it just seems like, "We're not friends, but we still have to be in this room together. I really like your shirt."

G: They don't! The universe is so massive! Aziraphale can just run off!

C: Yeah. But like, he already wants to fuck Crowley so bad it's unreal. He asks Crowley, like, what this does and all that. And, okay. So first, Crowley says that they weren't the original concept designer, but worked very closely with upstairs on it, and on the "very closely," like, they do like, a little crossing the fingers to show how tight they were thing, and that's so cute. They're so cute. And she's very excited to explain the nebula, saying that, you know, most stars in the universe are gonna come pre-aged, but these ones are new, and the dust and gas is making 5000 stars and protoplanets which will eventually like, happen over the next few million years, and goes, "And then, boom! Stars! Everywhere!" in like, the same tone as like, the bookshop drunk scene.

G: Yeah, "Stars crashing down everywhere."

C: Yeah, "Stars crashing down, what are they putting in bananas these days?" etc. And it's like, there's like, this nice atmospheric choral music going the whole time, right? And then Aziraphale starts- Aziraphale looks kinda awkward, and then starts talking, and the music like, does this thing where it like-

G: Record scratch.

C: - distorts and winds down. Record scratch. And it's like, it's not funnay!

G: I think I messaged you several times in this episode like, "I haven't laughed once yet." [C laughs] And you know what? I did not laugh here.

C: It was like, a really odd choice. Because the only time this happens in Season 1 is during the bookshop drunk scene when they sober up and like, that's 'cause it's like, a comedic scene, and this is like, a sudden tone shift in like, their mentalities. But like, this is like, a fairly serious scene, I would say. Like, it just felt incredibly out of place and like, bad. So.

G: Here? I mean, I wouldn't say that it's like, this is a serious scene, but it is still bad. So I'm not gonna protest that much.

C: Yeah. I think when Danica and I were watching this at the time on July 27, this was our first, "Huh? What the fuck? This season's gonna be bad" moment. So Aziraphale says that "The current word from upstairs is that we'll be shutting this all down again in about 6000 years."

G: "6000 years?"

C: Yeah. I feel we haven't really talked about the fact that if everyone knew about the Great Plan, like, they knew the specific deadline for the universe, like, in Season 1.

G: Yeah. So like, why is Crowley so surprised when that baby showed? I mean, maybe because, you know, she wasn't expecting that the baby is going to be her responsibility, but okay.

C: Well, I mean, they also say, like, "Already?" And I think it is because- okay, 4004 BC plus 6000 is actually like, 1996, right? I keep fucking up on this math throughout the podcast. [G laughing] So it's 1996, right? So it's like, they probably spent this- probably around, it was "about 6000," right? So probably around like, 5500, they started getting nervous. And then, like, they got really nervous in 1996. And then it passed. And they were like, "Oh, so like, is it even gonna happen anymore? Or is it like, just between 6000 and 6500 years?" Like, I feel like they probably got a bit tired of being so scared about it. And then, like, 20 years later, it's like, "No, it's time."

Crowley looks so so disappointed about this and goes, "But that's nothing! Aww! I mean, what's the point in creating an infinite universe with trillions of star systems if you're only gonna let it run for a few thousand years?" And "What's the point?" is what they say during their giant depression era talk with Shax later, so that's something. And- aw. Aw. They always needed a higher purpose and someone to answer their questions, and they're not getting either of them ever. I don't- I feel like- so we know in Season 1 that like, Crowley built the stars, but I guess, like, not the extent to which, like, he cares about them. And it's like, I think that they've changed in the last 6020 years and stuff. But like, do they just- do they ever want to just go to Alpha Centauri for like, vacation or something? Do they ever long for the universe beyond Earth? Like, what's up? [silence] No thoughts?

G: Sorry. [laughing]

C: That's cool.

G: [laughing] It is a testament to how much I do not give a shit about this episode that I don't want to engage with that.

C: Alright, yeah.

G: I'm sure Crowley- I mean, look at him, having so much fun, enjoying, etc etc.

C: Yeah. But it's also been a long time. Currently, Crowley fucking hates Earth and the concept of Earth, which I think is so cute. So [G laughs] people change.

G: No, but like, throughout the years, I'm sure that that feeling happened at some point. Yeah.

C: Yeah. So Aziraphale's like, "Oh, yeah, so the point. So you've heard of Earth?" And Crowley's like, "No? [both laugh] What the fuck is that?"

G: No, what's funny, is like, at first, Crowley was trying to be like, "Uhhh," and then just goes like, "No."

C: "Not as such." Which, agh. That's so nice. That's so nice. They don't even know! They're gonna risk their entire life defending this planet and dedicate like, 11 years to trying to save it, and they don't even know yet. Also, I love how out of the loop Crowley is. Like, Aziraphale knows all this shit. Like, I feel like- I don't know. People talk about like, angel rankings and angel jobs a lot. I feel like Crowley's like, I don't know. I guess the fact that Crowley was able to ask Aziraphale to come to her assistance, and I feel like angels are pretty hierarchical, probably means that they're like, about equal or Aziraphale's, like, maybe like, one order lower or something, but yeah, I guess Crowley's just been floating out here in space, having a good time, and Aziraphale’s been more involved in, like, the Earth Division, which is cool. I still want to know what he designed. So Aziraphale says that like, "Okay, so like, Earth is like, this blue-green planet that's going to be over there. Now, that's where the 'people' [laughs] that we're currently designing are going to be." He says that he has seen the plans, so he hasn't been directly involved, but like, he is like, in that office space, or whatever, I'm assuming. He says the word "breed" a lot, [G laughs] which, very painful to listen to. But basically, he says that they're gonna start out with two people, they're gonna spread out across the Earth, and the point of Crowley's nebula is that- specifically, Aziraphale's like, "I get the impression that the stars, and your, um-" and Crowley goes, "Call it a nebula." which implies that- Did Crowley come up with that word?

G: Why not?

C: Why not?

G: [laughing] Why the fuck not? Yeah. How does language even work?

C: I'm trying to relate this to the naming scene is the fic you sent me, but-

G: No, that shit is crazy. That shit is so crazy. Everybody- I need somebody to ask me so hard and so raw on Tumblr to reveal my list of lesbian Aziraphale and Crowley fanfiction. Please do. Thank you!

C: I mean, it's possible that the time that this episode comes out, someone will already have done it, let's hope.

G: [laughing] What, you? [C laughing] on anon from your other account to appease me? [both laughing] Sure, why not?

C: No, okay, I'm gonna wait like, two days, [G laughing] and then if no one asks, I will- yes, I will go on on anon and ask for you. So yeah. I think Crowley came up with this name. But yeah, the whole time Aziraphale's talking, Crowley is just looking slightly devastated and hanging on to Aziraphale's every word and like, nodding like, "Yes? Yes? And then?" like, each time, like, "Okay, and now you're gonna say something that makes me feel better?" But this does not occur. Aziraphale says that the stars and the nebulas exist just so that "the 'people' can look up into the night sky and marvel at the illimitable vastness of the Almighty's creation." and sort of clasps his hands and smiles, beatifically. And Crowley is not fucking having it. Crowley goes, "But that's idiocy! It's the universe, not just some fancy wallpaper. Most of it won't even be visible from 'Earth'!" which [laughs], ah! Ah! He hates Earth so fucking much. I love him. [G laughs] Love him!

G: Yeah. God! Now I remember the fucking "you can't kill kids" line again. [C laughs] God! When's that one happen? Is it-

C: Noah's ark. Is it 3004 BC?

G: Oh, yeah, it's been a thousand years, yeah. A thousand years, all it took. That he cares so, so, so, so much.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, a thousand years during which, like, she never met up with Aziraphale, so this is like, fully a solo thing which is very important to me.

G: And I mean, I guess there is something to the whole like, "Here, we see that, you know, Crowley, like, is the one who like, likes stuff." And like, we don't really see that in Crowley in recent times, right? Like, that's a very, very, very Aziraphale trait.

C: Yeah.

G: I don't know, I think it's nice. Crowley was attached to things and stuff. I mean, I think, really, what we were supposed to get the most is that Crowley, like, takes pride in doing the things that, you know, they ought to do.

C: Ought to?

G: You know, like, they like the stars. Yeah, like, the stars was- and now, in recent times, they like, well, in Season 1, I suppose, like, they took pride of the M25 stuff. They took pride of the cell phone tower stuff, like, you know. There's pride in there.

C: Crowley's an engineer and enjoys being an engineer.

G: So like, when we start this episode in present times and like, Crowley is purposeless and disconnected from Hell.

C: Yeah. Not even funemployed.

G: Not even funemployed, you guys! [C laughs]

C: Yeah, fully miseryemployed. Very sad.

G: Yeah. Devastationemployed.

C: Yeah. Crowley's upset, and then starts saying, like, "Yeah, like, why don't you put Earth in the middle of the universe so that the view's better?" And Aziraphale starts getting very- yeah, I don't know.

G: Nervous.

C: Teacher's pet in your elementary school class [G laughs] who like, won't let you copy off their homework. Yeah, which, I mean, that was me.

G: Just like Crystal for real.

C: That was me. Yeah. I repent. Aziraphale goes, "It's not our job to advise Almighty on the details of creation." Crowley just steamrolls on, going like, "Well then, whose job is it? I mean, someone has to say, 'Look, boss, this is a really, really terrible idea.'" And, you know, Aziraphale just gets more and more pointed with his "Don't do that" sentences, but, you know, Crowley's like, "I think that I should put a note in the suggestion box and all that. If I was the one running at all, I'd like, it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view." And at this point, Aziraphale- Aziraphale's already like, pretty alarmed, like, in a tizzy. But after this sentence, he starts looking around nervously, like checking in on if someone's listening. I guess first, I'm wondering, like, has the Fall begun already? Like, what are the punishments that exist right now? Has something bad happened to some other angels for questioning already? Or is Aziraphale just like, in general nervous that like, surely this can't be an allowed sentence? I guess. Yeah. Don't know

G: Hm. Don't know.

C: I don't think it's started yet. I think that Aziraphale just has a general sense of dread and anxiety, and this makes me sad. I sort of just assumed that before the Fall, like, no one was that afraid of, like, the Heaven surveillance state and all that shit, but like, no. Aziraphale’s had anxiety from like, the very beginning. He has always been like this. Like, yeah. Like, he's never gotten a break.

G: I mean, I think, like, maybe I'm way off, and we don't really see other angels from this time, anyway. But from how I interpreted the scene, like, Crowley is the odd one out. Like, Crowley being displaced is weird. Or, I don't know, maybe because I already know that, like, Crowley is the one who's going to Fall, I just assumed, you know, whatever. But Crowley acting this way, I interpret it as like, "Nobody acts this way, and that's why Aziraphale was so scared." Like, this is a new thing that somebody is doing.

C: Perhaps so, yeah.

G: Also, because the way Crowley talks about it, right, like, the way God is spoken about. Like, with Aziraphale, he is very much on the side of, "Oh, like, me and the angels are planning something," or "I was in the room where the angels were planning something," but like, it's never directly to God. But like, you hear Crowley say, like, "Oh, me and God are tight." I think maybe Crowley just thinks that God- like, they're closer to God than they actually are. This is like, you know, "What if the head of your office is like, your best friend, and then they fire you?" [both laugh] Like, this is what it feels like.

C: [laughs] Yeah, it kind of does. Sorry, babe. Crowley continues by saying, like, you can't just create a universe, run it for a few thousand years, and then stop." And, like, Aziraphale, panicked, tries to like, redirect by going like, "I like that pinky blue bit in the corner." Trans rights. [G laughs] And then, "It's very, um, ah!" Like, I think he's trying to imitate Crowley's squee to be like, "I, too, am a connoisseur of nebulas," [both laugh] but like, it's not working. And then he goes, "But look, word to the wise, I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble." And Crowley, DGAFing, goes, "Thanks for your help. And thanks for your advice. I wouldn't worry, though. How much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions?"

G: And then, like, the world fucking darkens. Or like, the color changes or whatever.

C: Yes, specifically, his wings get a little grayer.

G: Is that for real? Okay, I'll check.

C: Yes, it's like- okay, I didn't really notice the first few times, but okay, like-

G: Oh, yeah.

C: I mean, fucking Neil Gaiman recently answered an ask. Someone was like, "Did his wings get greyer like? Was that 'cause he was starting to Fall?" And Neil Gaiman, who never answers a question just like, head-on, but like, I guess implies an answer strongly, just goes, "It's something we worked very hard on." [G laughs] Like, okay, Neil Gaiman, that was a yes or no question, but like, good job for working hard on it, I guess. But yeah.

G: It's before the "word to the wise" part. 

C: Do you think Aziraphale noticed and was like, "Oh, no, I can't just redirect. I do have to say something."

G: Yeah. Probably. Aww. [similar tone to Hastur and Ligur in Episode 4] Crowley.

C: Yeah. Sowwy. Cro- [laughs]

G: You know, every time I say "Crowley," I imagine in your voice, while you mimic Hastur saying "Crowley" in Episode 5.

C: I think it was mostly-

G: It was in Episode 4.

C: Episode 4, yeah. Well, most times, when I say Crowley in caps, it's just my voice. The thing about this is, we hear Crowley's account of her Fall in Season 1, and it's that Lucifer came up to her, ask her to join his friend group 'cause they all had a few complaints about Heaven, and they just sort of sauntered vaguely downward without meaning to do anything or taking a particular stand on anything. I feel like it's very characterized as a "Oh, I was young and stupid, and didn't know anything like, but like, eh. And now look where we are now." But like, now, we're learning that like, this is what did it, right? Like, I guess the Lucifer thing could still happen after this, but I feel like the implication is that after this, Crowley went over, suggested a suggestion box and then got fucked, right?

G: No. Not necessarily.

C: Not necessarily?

G: I think it happened the way Crowley describes it as happening. Like, the Lucifer and the gang show up and like, "Oh my god, we have some questions. You want to join us?" And Crowley's like, "Oh yeah, I have some questions, too," and then they're Falling- I don't know. I forgot the line. I was gonna quote it in Crowley's voice, but I forgot!

C: Something- "doing a million lightyear dive into [overlapping] a pool of boiling sulfur" or something like that? Yeah.

G: Poor Crowley.

C: Yeah. Though I guess Crowley's account is somewhat more humorous. Like, well, at least, they do say it's like, "Lucifer in the gang came over and asked me to join their friend group, and like, I was like, well, you know, food hadn't been so good lately," blah blah blah, so like, I guess, like, he is leaving out the fact that, like, it, came from like, a place of deep love for this nebula, and like, a strong belief that like, God did need this specific suggestion. Like, he did leave that part out. Which, yeah. I guess- what does Crowley stand to gain by purposefully like, fudging some of the details of it?

G: I don't think there's anything to gain. I think Crowley's just drunk and miserable.

C: I suppose so.

G: He wasn't talking to anyone in that scene.

C: No, I don't mean stand to- like, stand to gain like, for, like, her own emotional like, stability, or whatever. [G laughs] You DGAF? [G laughs]

G: You know, a big frustration I have this episode is we don't see what Aziraphale is feeling. Like, there's no like, insight on how is Aziraphale's doing. You feel like that?

C: At any point?

G: Not at any point. But it's very Crowley-heavy.

C: Is it really?

G: Yeah. I don't know why I'm bringing this up after you asked me [both laughing] what Crowley stands to gain, but I'm just trying to convey my mindset right now of like, "I am a little bit upset that Aziraphale is not given time, and you forcing me to think about Crowley [both laughing harder] is making me miserable."

C: Alright! Alright! You don't have to talk about Crowley anymore. I'll do all the talking about Crowley.

G: [laughing] No, it's fine. I'm just mostly kidding.

C: I think it hurts less if they think that they Fell because of like, basically a clerical error instead of like, something that they felt deeply and still feel deeply.

G: But, like, you know, episode before that, they did go like, "I was just asking questions." And that's like, you know, like, that's taking- not the blame, but like, claiming the action that led to the Fall. Like, "I did actually do that."

C: Yeah. that's true. They allude to the "Lucifer and the boys" thing during a more miserable part of their life.

G: Yeah. Maybe the point was, it was nothing. It was a nothing action. And then suddenly, this is happening. And it's less about like, you know, feeling guilty and more like feeling betrayed.

C: Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense.

G: Hell yeah!

C: And then there's like, a meteor shower thing, and Crowley covers Aziraphale with their wing. And like, this ball of fire hits it and reflects off. The wing thing is what I find the worst about this scene existing personally, 'cause it recontextualizes Aziraphale’s wing thing in Eden in a way that I like, am not interested in in any way whatsoever. 'Cause like, what I see about Aziraphale in the Eden scene, like, his two acts of goodness, are like, giving away the sword and like, covering Crowley with the wing during the first rains. And, like, the unifying idea of both of those are like, "These are things that he, as an angel and his role as guardian of the Eastern Gate is not supposed to do, but like, his instinct is for kindness, so like, he just does both of these things without thinking." And then, like, once, he thinks, he probably like, has to justify it himself, or renounce what he did or whatever. But like this scene turns it more into like, a paying-Crowley-back sort of vibe, or like, returning-the-favor sort of vibe, which, like, I want the wing thing in Eden to be like, a completely unprompted act of kindness that, like, establishes Aziraphale more as a character, and I feel like this undoes some of that, so I don't like it.

G: I don't think Aziraphale even noticed the fucking wings.

C: Mm. [G laughing]

G: Do you know what I mean? No, because the fucking meteor shower, whatever, like, fine. Like, the rain, you can feel. Do you understand what I mean? So like, with Crowley, there's no more reason-

C: If he got hit by that ball of fire, [G laughs] I think that would have been felt.

G: Yeah, but you don't get hit by rain. It just falls on you, no matter what. So like, if you get covered from the rain, you're like, "I'm being covered from the rain." If you get covered from meteors, you're like, "Lucky me. I didn't get hit."

C: Wait, what's the- what's the difference?

G: You know, to me, this scene isn't even real. [C laughing] This scene isn't even real. As I've said earlier, like, it doesn't matter to me because they don't remember it.

C: I just feel like if you show that something happened, the characters have to explicitly say they don't remember it-

G: No.

C: - for you to think that they didn't remember in canon, right? 'Cause like, the point of showing it is that this happened.

G: But how can they say they don't remember it if they already don't remember it? Are they just remembering that they don't remember it?

C: I just- like, any kind of line about how like, "I mean, whatever happened in Heaven during all of my time as an angel is very fuzzy," but like, it's not, 'cause like, she remembers the Fall, so like-

G: Remember when they were asked who they were and Aziraphale goes, "Oh, I was on apple tree duty, and he is a wiley serpent." So this is like, the beginning of their story for them. Maybe they remember that this happened with someone-

C: No! But Anathema asked for an explanation. Like, this is the human-centered explanation of how we came to the end of the world. Like, you wouldn't need the stars prequel thing. [G groans] Like, it's not about- like, Aziraphale wasn't answering a question about their story. He was answering a question about the story of the Earth and humanity

G: I'm going to fact-check that.

C: That that's what Anathema asked?

G: Yes.

C: Well, she asked, "Can somebody explain what's going on here?" And the "what's going on" is the Apocalypse, [G groans] so obviously, you'd like, start with humanity.

G: Fine. I guess.

C: I mean, again, you're fully free to believe that the scene didn't happen, [G laughing] or that they don't remember it, but I think the canon implication is that they did -

G: [laughing] "Your headcanon is valid. To you."

C: - that it did happen, and that they do to some extent remember it.

G: [laughing] Don't fucking "Your headcanon is valid. To you." me. [C laughing] Don't fucking do this to me! [both laughing]

C: Yeah, okay, I guess I couldn't tell if you were engaging in this as like a "This is just what I choose to believe for my personal well-being," [G laughs] or like, "I think that in canon, they don't remember it genuinely."

G: No, I genuinely don't think they remember it.

C: Okay, in that case I'm gonna continue arguing. [both laughing]

G: [laughing] Okay.

C: But yeah. You know what? Your headcanon IS valid. For you. [both laughing] Alright. And then we get the theme song. Animation is a bit different from the previous. Last time they were walking off a cliff which was the end of the world. This time it starts with Crowley climbing out of a valley back onto a path.

G: Yeah, and Aziraphale lying down.

C: Yeah. And they just head up some mountain and end up at like, a lighthouse, and they pass through a bunch of scenes, and there's a bunch of humans following them, etc. Yep. Alright.

-

G: Well, we go to present day. We're in London. Aziraphale receives a letter. Well, first, I want to talk about Aziraphale’s outfit. There has been a change, which is that he switched out his long coat- not long. I don't know what you call it? Trenchcoat? Who give a shit. He switched it out for like, a coat that looks like a cardigan. He is so cute.

C: I did not notice that.

G: Like, I mean, it's shaped like a jacket, you know, like a- what's that? Like a- when you're wearing a suit thing. What do you call that? Suit jacket? Probably.

C: Blazer?

G: A blazer. It's shaped like a blazer, but like, the texture of the material, the textile, like, the- what do you call it? the fabric looks plush, so it does look like a cardigan, and I love it so much!

C: Wait, what did his jacket last ep/season look like?

G: It looked like, I don't know. Like, not plush? [laughs]

C: Okay, yeah. I see it, I see it. It's like, a smoother or like, smaller thread sort of situation in the first person.

G: Yeah, versus second season, where it's- it's a cardigan, you guys. It's so cute. It's grey also. So cute. I love you, Aziraphale. The way the shot starts. It's like, it's going down from the sky, and there's like, a slow-mo thing, but like- or, I don't know. Is it fast motion? I have no idea. They're like, playing with the speed of the everything.

C: All this was CGI.

G: And my first thought was, "They have a budget."

C: Well, okay - I don't wanna defend Season 2. - It was filmed during COVID, so they spent a lot of money on that, and yeah, I think the entire opening shot was CGI because they couldn't actually have all those people walking in the streets and shit.

G: Yeah, that was my first thought. Because I know that this set was built in a different area, like, it's not- Where did they build the first one?

C: 'Cause they burned the other one.

G: No, like, location. It's a different location.

C: They did all the filming of Season 2 in Scotland.

G: It does feel different. Like, Season 2 does feel different. Like, the locations feel different. Don't you feel? And like, I'm sure a big part of it is that it was COVID, so, you know, not going to be an asshole about that [C laughs], but it does look weird. And I was, like, throughout this episode, I was thinking, "I'm sure that they rebuilt this library wonderfully."

C: The bookshop. Yeah, probably.

G: Yeah. [laughs] "Library." Well, they rebuilt the bookshop wonderfully, and, like, you know, I've seen like, a post where, like, even the sink was like, I don't know, like, they traced it back to like, get the same model and stuff. And like, that's wonderful. Yeah, I think that's wonderful. Great attention to detail. It does feel different, though. And I don't know enough about cinematography or anything to figure out why, but I think a part of it is like, the way it is directed, so. I don't know! I think also, a part of it is that Season 1 dialogue, which we'll get into later, how the characters this season are. Like, well, Maggie and Nina, specifically. Also, are Maggie and Nina's characters named- like, their actors are named Maggie and Nina also?

C: Yeah, the actors are Nina Sosanya and Maggie Service. Neil Gaiman said he did that because he wanted them for the roles really badly, [G laughs] and he thought that by making the character names the actor names, like, Amazon wouldn't make him cast someone new.

G: Oh, that's sweet. I think that's sweet.

C: Yeah, I mean, both of them were nuns last season, and Shax is played by the actress for Madame Tracy.

G: Yeah! For Madame Tracy. I actually- like, Nina acts so different that, like, I did not recognize at all for a while until like, I remembered what you said that like, "Oh, she's in Season 1 and 2 of-" what's that?

C: Good Omens? [both laughing] The show Good Omens?

G: [laughs] But she is, she is in Season 1 and Season 2. And I was like, "Oh. It's her." But I recognized Madame Tracy's actor immediately, but like, not because it's like, not well-acted or anything. I was just like, "That looks familiar," and then I Googled it and I figured out. But what I was saying was, the way the characters are this episode, the way they speak, it is a lot less stilted, and I think that also contributes to the different vibe of this season, like, last season, you know, whenever Pepper spoke, Adam, like, the Youngs. Like, anyone, anyone who is a human being, whenever they spoke, it was very obviously, "There's a gimmick, and they are acting accordingly to how they would because of the gimmick," but this season, I feel like they are just acting like people like you said they would last episode. So, quite nice.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And the women are not saying, "I'm a woman!" to the camera every second.

G: Yeah!

C: So there were a few improvements in that section. I don't like how Maggie is directed, though.

G: We'll get into it. Well, we go to the shop, and Aziraphale gets a note from the mailbox, and the note says, "Dear Mr. Fell, There is something about which I need to speak with you with on a matter of some-" and then urgency, but, like, misspelled. "Yours very faithfully, Maggie."

C: Why did they point out the misspelling so hard and so raw? Like, are we on a Google+ forum, like, as 11-year-olds in middle school trying to one-up each other in a comments section of a fandom post? Like, I don't think misspelling jokes have been funny for like, ten years.

G: Yeah, but you see, Aziraphale is the kind of asshole who will-

C: [laughing] Who would read it out loud and pretend to not understand what it's saying.

G: Yeah. Defi-fucking-nitely. So you know what? I'll give them a pass. We cut to the record shop. We go to a record shop-

C: Oh, the background music during this scene is "You Don't Own Me" by Lesley Gore, who also did the "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" song.

G: Whoo! And you would cry too if it happened to you.

C: Wouldn't you also. And she's a lesbian, which I think was probably a purposeful choice.

G: Why is that- Why? No no no-

C: Just 'cause Maggie's a lesbian?

G: No, like, how do you know?

C: How do I know that Lesley Gore is a lesbian?

G: Ah! [laughing]

C: She said it? What? What do you mean?

G: [laughing] Nevermind. 'Cause you said, "And she's a lesbian," and I was like, "Well, I know that. Maggie is a lesbian, probably-"

C: [laughing] No, Lesley Gore.

G: "- but like, is there like, anywhere in the episode where they put like, a lesbian flag on her or something?" So yeah.

C: Oh, Maggie. I mean, we know she's into women, but

we don't know that she's exclusively-

G: Yeah. Could be bisexual.

Aziraphale enters, and Maggie is like, "Oh."

C: She's crying, but like, actor-crying, 'cause it's like, you don't even see anything on her face after she stops actor-crying. Like, at least when Anathema was crying in Season 1, like, her eyes remain wet, and you could see tears on her lashes, and she was like, sniffling. Like, Maggie's got nothing going on. I don't know if that's Maggie Service's fault or like, hair and makeup's fault, but like, I think it did immediately make me go, "I don't think I'm going to see this character as like, that strongly a real person to me."

G: We established here that the lockdowns happen, so, COVID, baby. I don't like that.

C: That COVID happened?

G: I mean, in general, yeah-

C: [laughing] It'd be great if people didn't die, yeah. What?

G: When TV shows do the whole, "And there was COVID," I do feel like "Oh, come on."

C: You feel like the Good Omens world is removed enough from ours, like, the Apocalypse didn't happen here, so it doesn't make sense for them to continue with the history of our current selves or whatever you mean?

G: Yeah, I suppose so. Like, it feels disconnected enough from our world, our universe.

C: I mean, the fucking lockdown video happened in a kind of canon limbo, I suppose.

G: She's saying that she can get the hell out of there in like, two weeks.

C: 'Cause she can't pay rent.

G: Yeah, 'cause she can't pay the rent. And Aziraphale is doing the thing where it's like, "Oh, well, it's not your fault that you are not paying rent because I'm not collecting," and, you know, stuff like that. He just goes towards the end, like, "I'll just take these records that I requested from you, and, you know I won't pay for it, and that'll be your rent." I found that so interesting, because, like, whenever we see Aziraphale trying to do good, it's always like, "They can't do it because, like, there's a bad thing that-" like, you know, it's not like, Heaven's orders or whatever. But now it's like, not even like, a Heaven mandate to not forgive rent or whatever. But he still does this because it's like, to save Maggie some face or something, which I quite like.

C: Is it? Huh. I think I had a very uncharitable reading of Aziraphale during this- both of them during the scene, because Maggie was being like, a total bootlicker loser. Like, every time he was like, hinting that it's fine that she didn't pay rent, she's like, "No, I must! I must lose my business right now, oh, you landlord, you!" and I don't know, I feel like- I just think that should read "Justice and the Limits of Charity" by David Hilfiker. It's a pretty short article. And then I think Aziraphale should read Evicted by Matthew Desmond, which is a longer book. And then maybe he should like, just sign the fucking lease over to Maggie. Like, the only reason I can see for him doing this that's kind is that he doesn't want her to have to pay the property tax on this place, so like, this is like, more free if he keeps doing this. But like, this is clearly something that's like, eating at her.

G: It's bothering her, yeah.

C: It's not like he's like, "Okay, and your rent will be zero." It's like, every single month, she does the whole "I can't pay! Oh my god, you're gonna kick me out!" thing, and he's like, "Nah. For one month, you can stay on." [G laughs] You know? It's like, stupid. I just- it's not a good thing. Like, the thing about forgiveness and charity is that it is at the whim of the person in power, and Aziraphale's continuing to wield that power, he's just being like, benevolent about it, which like, isn't a guarantee of having the shop the way that signing the land over to her would be so. So, it's annoying. I'm annoyed. You can't read this fic yet until the end of Season 2, but in "long distance" by thingswithwings, which is one of my favorite post-Season 2 fics, there is a scene where Crowley signs ownership of all the shops on Whickber Street over to the owners, so there. I think that something that you- that I would would point out is when Maggie says, "You can't just forgive me eight months' rent!" Aziraphale goes, "Oh, I can. I'm very good at forgiveness. It's one of my favorite things." [laughs] Which seems like, it will be relevant and is relevant. [G laughs] We've talked about forgiveness in Season 1 already, and there sure will be a line that happens in Season 2, won't there?

G: I guess. [laughs] It's so bad! I hate this- remember how I watched Season 1, Episode 1, and immediately was like, "I need to watch the next season immediately afterward."

C: You're like, dreading watching the next episode?

G: I am. I don't want to! Jesus Christ.

C: Okay. I think that you're going to like some of the next episode.

G: Ugh! Okay.

C: Or you'll like, hate it so bad it's unreal. It's gonna be like, one of those. But I don't know.

G: [laughs] Opposite ends of the spectrum. Yeah, why not?

C: I think that there's a possibility that you're going to like some of the next one. Yeah, okay. Three things I like. Costume and set design. Maggie is dressed like if a gingerbread woman was like, turned human.

G: Yeah, I do love her outfit. I love her outfit.

C: Which is pretty fun. Her shop is fun. Like, her desk, like, there's the front of an entire truck on it, so like, once she's standing behind it, it's like she's behind the wheel of a truck or something. I think that's cool. And then I do, from a character perspective, enjoy that Aziraphale bought and legally owns, like, a lot of this land in Soho, which I think he's had since, like, the 1700s because I think it shows that he like- I think it's, okay, his love of like, material goods and human things. It also shows that he sort of wants to have assets that aren't dependent on his powers, or like, being in the good graces of Heaven. Like he will always have some kind of an income source or whatever, and like, a place to stay by owning this property.

G: Unlike Crowley.

C: Yeah, exactly, unlike Crowley, who like, lives in his car now 'cause that's the only thing that they own.

G: Well, Crowley has that banger watch. [C laughs] He can sell it, you guys.

C: That's true. [both laughing] Yeah, exactly. Does Aziraphale have a cool watch? No? Okay, I think we know who won this one.

G: I mean, it is a beautiful watch, though, is the thing.

C: It is a very nice watch. I think the fact that he bought this land in the 1700s, like, I don't know how conscious it was, it was probably some kind of a subconscious thing, but it didn't mean that he sort of did want a contingency plan for if he falls out with Heaven entirely, to me, at least. And the third thing I love is that as Aziraphale sort of spins his way out the door, like, giving Maggie a smile and a giddy little laugh, I'm hit again with the realization that, like, people around him in Soho know him, like him, and also definitely see him as gay. And that's a lovely thing. That's a lovely thing. They like him and feel safe around him, and he is gay to them.

G: I think it's wonderful that like, he's an institution in this place, you know? Like, he is Mr. Fell, and everybody knows him. And I do wonder, like, I mean, he has acted this way throughout his entire existence. So like, where people just like, "Oh, yeah. His father is also gay, and his grandfather's also gay, and the one before that's also gay-" [laughing]

C: [laughing] Yeah. "How do they keep getting kids that look exactly like them? Like, I guess they're just really good at fucking trans guys." [G laughs]

G: For fucking real.

C: Yeah. Yeah, it's nice.

G: I like Aziraphale. I like that people know him. I don't know.

C: I don't think anyone in Crowley's apartment, like, ever talked to her once, so it's nice that Aziraphale has this. And [laughs] Crowley has fucking nothing right now. Crowley's having the worst life in the world. [G laughs] Sorry, girl.

-

C: Crowley's sitting in St. James's Park. Her hair is atrocious, you guys.

G: It's not that bad.

C: This new hair dye, it's not good. Last season, he looked like he could just sort of be a redhead. This season, it's fully like, "What if you juiced a plum and then like, mixed it with Kool-Aid, and then like, dunked your head in it." Which, like, I mean, I don't know. I feel like Crowley did that thing where you change your hair over the pandemic, so if you hate it, you can go back to how it was before, and no one has to see it, but like, then, like, he just got stuck with it. Sorry, girl. But you think it's fine?

G: I like it.

C: You like it better than the previous season?

G: I mean, depends on what you mean by previous season. If we're saying like, Episode 1-

C: I guess short hair previous season, 'cause, you know, long hair previous season trumps all.

G: Yeah. God! I looked up "Crowley hair" on- ah! [laughs] Sorry. I looked up "Crowley hair" on Google, and now I'm looking at a picture of Crowley wearing his hair with the little half pony, and it's so wonderful. I love you so much.

C: Yeah. She's sitting in the park. There's like, a joke bit about how some government secret agent sits next to them and thinks that like, they're who he's meeting with. Whatever. And also, he's reading a newspaper with the headline, "Is Tadfield the Best Village in England?" which I guess means that Adam has continued making it nice there. Shax appears. I love Shax's voice.

G: I do as well.

C: She has a very specific way of talking, which I find quite fun. And so basically, we learn that four years after the Apocalypse, Crowley is still regularly meeting with someone from Hell.  She's brought Crowley's mail, so Crowley no longer has an apartment, which is so miserable. Like, he went through COVID in his car. No wonder he's depressed. We learn that Crowley's bills get sent to Hell's finance office, which is so funny, like, Crowley, you can miracle money, but yeah, I guess she relies on Hell to pay for gas and electricity. So they're talking, and Crowley notices the agent from earlier is feeding ducks bread, and goes like, "Don't give them bread, you idiots! Ducks shouldn't eat bread!" but ignores when Shax asks what you should give ducks.

G: I hated that part so much.

C: Yeah, it's a bit much. Crowley asks if Hell knows that Shax is checking in with her, and Shax doesn't really reply directly, just says that, you know, I have your role now. Hell doesn't care how jobs get done. They just care that somebody does them, which like, so is Crowley sort of acting like, as a consultant for her in any way? Or is it just like, exchanging information occasionally?

G: I don't know. Maybe she just cares?

C: Who's she in this situation?

G: Shax. Why not?

C: Okay. Cares about what?

G: About Crowley!

C: She does? [both laugh]

G: Well, why not? Why the fuck not?

C: Sure. Why not? Right after this, Crowley just sort of looks off and goes, "Do you ever think, what's the point? What's the point of it all? Heaven, Hell, demons, angels... it's all, well, pointless." Crowley, if you were an Uber driver- [laughs] I really think-

G: You will be funemployed.

C: Yeah. This is sad, though. I am sad. Like, yeah. They don't have a job anymore. They don't have anything to do. Like, they don't even feel comfortable enough with Aziraphale to tell him that, like, they lost their apartment. Like, yeah, what is even going on? Yeah. Crowley asks for information from Shax, and she mentions that something's going up in Heaven, and "If you get wind of anything through your contact in the bookshop, let me know." Which, yeah, I think this is where we realize like, "Oh, this meeting is 'cause, despite the entire holy water gambit last season, Crowley still doesn't trust that they're safe." Like, he's keeping an ear to the ground constantly and still following like, the same patterns as he did four years ago. Like, yeah. And the contact in the bookshop thing is like, well, yeah, I mean, it's like, oh, like, he's also hiding that he's friends with Aziraphale from Hell still. And I mean, that's probably so that like- They were like, at the airfield together, like, Beelzebub would know that they're like, at least allied. But I guess, like, them being friends is still too much. 'Cause- I don't know. Like, what's the reasoning here? Just like habit, and then like, fear that then they'll figure out that they switch bodies and then like-

G: I think sometimes, it's just very difficult to get out of a situation that has been going on for a long time.

C: Yeah. So miserable. It's been four years, and Crowley doesn't feel safe, doesn't feel happy. Like, the whole, like, "on our own side" thing, like, means that she can hang out at the bookshop some more, but like, that's about it. Like, yeah, nothing that she wanted from her life is happening. And yeah. Sorry, babe!

G: This episode made me so sad about Crowley, I started fucking quoting Antigone to myself. [laughs] Like, I legitimately, was like, sitting there like- What's that Antigone quote? The one that's like, "All of this, just to be here, like a man, as you said, and so happy to just be alive," and like, that is what's happening with Crowley right now. Like, all of that, just to be grateful to just be alive. Ugh!

C: Aghh. God, it's so miserable. It's so miserable.

G: Okay, let's talk about why they didn't tell Aziraphale. Is- I don't know. What do you think? Is it like, shame?

C: Why Crowley didn't tell Aziraphale? Yeah. First off, I think that Neil Gaiman actually needs to show things in canon instead of answering Tumblr asks. [G laughing] But because I read his Tumblr asks, I know that he said that Crowley never told Aziraphale that she lost the flat. So okay, fine. I've read that, so now I guess I have to think of it as canon. I don't have to, but like, it's in my brain already. I mean, I think I already told you that like, due to just projecting my own communication style onto Crowley, it just seems like a "When it first happened, it didn't seem big enough of a deal to bother Aziraphale about it, and then, after a few months had passed, like, every time it could have come up in conversation, it's like, 'Well, if I say I lost my flat, he'll be like, "When did you lose your flat?" and I'll have to be like, "Five months ago." So I'm just gonna continue lying my ass off about it.'" But I don't know if that's Crowley's communication style. What do you think?

G: I think because- I don't know. The way they talk about how they carved a life out for themselves together, it's like, I don't know. Maybe it's like, preservation of the whole- I'm not saying that Crowley regrets saving the Earth or whatever, but like, with the way it is presented here, it feels like Aziraphale didn't really sacrifice that much, and Crowley had to sacrifice so much, and I just feel like if that is the case for me, I wouldn't want the other person to know, because I wouldn't want them to feel guilty. And also, it's such a reveal of like, "This is what I was willing to lose." So maybe it's like, showing your heart on your sleeve a little bit too much. God, Crowley makes me so miserable this episode.

C: Yeah. It's also the fact that he never bothered finding a new apartment, though. Like, why not?

G: I don't know. It's very difficult to find an apartment, you guys. [both laugh] There's like, a minimum salary and stuff. I mean, I know-

C: Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, he can do miracles, though. I don't know. They say something later that makes me wonder, like, if they aren't- like, Aziraphale's not doing miracles anymore. It's hard. I don't know. Yeah, anyway, but I feel like what people on the Internet-

G: You can Photoshop, I feel like. You can Photoshop. You can Photoshop like, [laughing] a fucking-

C: Offer letter, yeah.

G: - I don't know, employment certificate or whatever.

C: Yeah, you can. But yeah, I think that what people have said on Tumblr that I think I agree with is just that, like, I mean, we see here that like, Crowley does not feel safe, and maybe like, it feels better to be living in your car where you can always run away. Like, it's the equivalent of having the packed suitcase under your bed.

G: Yeah. And, you know, Crowley doesn't have similar needs, so like, doesn't need to shower or whatever, doesn't need- So like, it's not the same as a person living out of their car. Like, a human being.

C: Yeah. He doesn't even have a TV in the car, though. Like, what are you doing all day, Crowley?

G: Looking at his beautiful watch, probably. [laughing]

C: Probably! And yeah.

G: What is that watch? I'm gonna Google it while you speak.

C: I think it was custom-made, probably, for the show. Shax asks if Crowley has any info for her, and Crowley doesn't answer. He says, "Frozen peas. That's what you feed ducks. They love them, and it's good for them, too."

G: Franck Muller Vanguard watch.

C: How many thousands of dollars is it?

G: It is $6800 for sale from a trusted seller on chrono24.com. [laughs]

C: Should have been $6900,

G: $6800. I'm going to [overlapping] convert that. Yeah. [laughs] It's not that bad. Like, for an expensive watch, that's not super expensive.

C: I guess I don't really know how luxury goods are priced. I know that there exists a purse that's $10,000 dollars, but that's it.

G: Expensive watches are ungodly expensive. Also, the way this Redditor says it is "This is the yachting watch," which is honestly hilarious, and I don't know why. Why is it funny? I wanna know.

-

G: Our next scene features Maggie going into the coffee shop, and, you know-

C: Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death is the name of the shop.

G: Nina is there, and Nina is played, again, by the actress who played- what the fuck was her name?

C: Sister Mary Loquacious, also known as Mary Hodges.

G: Yeah, Sister Mary Loquacious.

C: Yeah, and I think it is fun that, like, you know, Maggie Service played that other nun, and they were the ones who did the wink during the baby exchange, and in the book, they were the ones that Mr. Young thought were lesbians. And, you know what? Now they're back. being lesbians.

G: We learn that Nina kind of recognizes Maggie as a regular, and that she orders a skinny latte. I don't know. A bit of banter.

C: The banter is just like, "I think your business is stupid." "Hello, you're a regular at my coffee shop. You work in that business, right? That business sucks!" [laughs] Like, I just don't think they're friendly enough for this to be like, a fun, okay conversation to have. Or I don't know. I think it's a bit mean.

G: I don't think Nina is particularly being portrayed as friendly. I think that's the intention, so.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And like, she disparages the record shop, like, twice more this episode, and it's like, I don't really see how this could go anywhere that good, romance-wise. And you know what? It doesn't.

G: I don't know. Outside, there's car honkings, and, you know, Nina and Maggie notice this. And we go out, and it's John Hamm [laughs], aka Gabriel, naked, walking down the street, holding a box. It's dick in a box. [C laughs] I don't know. The thing is, all the Gabriel bits this episode go on for so long. So long.

C: Yup. It's annoying.

G: So yeah. Walking through Soho, walking through the street.

C: Everyone's staring.

G: Yeah, all cars are stopped. Everybody's on the fucking streets. He goes to Aziraphale's place.

C: Yeah. Aziraphale’s been having a lovely time with the Shostakovich record. I love that he has his little glasses on when he's listening to music. [G laughs] Like, he has his eyes closed, and he's conducting-

G: He's just like me for real.

C: - but he still has his glasses on. He's like, "I wanna see the music better." Also, he's sitting with like, his legs crossed, which I think is very nice, 'cause I feel like in- like, whenever he's like, on a bench in Season 1 or whatever, right, it's like, both feet planted firmly on the ground, like, hands in lap, but like, he's chillaxin' now!

G: Gabriel shows up in Aziraphale's door. Aziraphale comes out. There's this whole bit. I don't know. Gabriel hugs him.

C: Yeah. But I mean, what is going through Aziraphale’s head right now? Like, do you have any thoughts on his reactions here?

G: Surprised.

C: 'Cause like, we see him do giant gasps about like, anything in Season 1. Like, how fucking scared is he, though, right now, right? Like, we're to assume that this is his first time coming into contact with Heaven since, like, four years ago. Like, did he think that was gonna be the end of it, or is this like, "I figured that this was like, I was like, on a time-" whatever. You know, what is his immediate reaction, emotion-wise?

G: Surprise. [laughing]

G: Yeah, I guess. I guess he's surprised. But, like, [G laughing] you know what I'm asking, though, right?

G: [laughing] Yeah! Well, what I'm trying to say is like, I don't think there's any room to think in this situation. Gabriel is in front of you, completely naked.

C: Yeah. The primary point of the scene is "Isn't it funny that John Hamm is naked?" I feel like they didn't think that much about what Aziraphale's going through. Aziraphale also like, looks down at Gabriel's dick, like, way more times than necessary.

G: I was thinking whether Gabriel- what's the term? Manifested-

C: Made an effort?

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah, I don't know.

G: I feel like maybe Nina and Maggie would comment if it was like a Ken doll.

C: Yeah.

G: Gabriel has forgotten things. Everything, actually. [laughs] I don't know why I said things. Yeah. And then Aziraphale lets him in. That's what happens.

C: What does everyone think is going on? Is this like, a situationship's, like, grand gesture after a breakup?

G: No.

C: Like, if you saw this, what would you think was going on?

G: I would think, "Poor guy, something must be wrong." Like, mentally, with this guy.

C: Yeah, yeah. Like, probably, like, this is a family member, and they're like, going through something mental health-wise. Yeah. They've showed up to Aziraphale's for shelter.

G: At the end of it, there's like, a moment between Maggie and Nina, where it's like-

C: Just so unfunny.

G: Maggie makes a joke that is so not funnay! And then, like, you know, they laugh a bit about it, but like, a bit awkwardly. And Maggie introduces herself, and Nina does as well, but like, very snappily.

C: Yeah. She says, like, she basically tells Maggie that she doesn't need to know her name after Maggie introduces herself. I wish that we got more of what Aziraphale's thinking. It's like, I can't tell from his face.

G: This is what I'm saying.

C: Yeah, what's happening? Like, is it like, does he think that this is a trick at first? Or like, is he taking all the forgetting everything at face value? Is he like, snapping back into like, soldier mode? What is- yeah, what's happening in his head?

-

C: In Heaven. Michael's on the phone with an unfamiliar voice, but later, we realize that it's Beelzebub with a new actor. And she's just saying that whoever helped Gabriel escape will be met with "Extreme sanctions. Book of Life." Back at the bookshop, Gabriel's been put in a towel or like, a blanket that he continues wearing for the entire episode is- Aziraphale did not want to give him any of his clothes. He's made him a hot chocolate. There's like, a questioning scene that drags on for an incredibly long time, and I'm not gonna reenact it because it's so unfunny, and it drags on for so long, but like, anyone who hasn't seen the episode, I just need you to understand that it's like, it takes forever, and it sucks. But yeah, again, it's just that he doesn't remember anything at all. And he says that he felt compelled to come to the shop. He says, "You know what it's like when you don't know anything at all, and yet you're totally certain that everything would be better if you were just near one particular person?"

G: And Aziraphale does a-

C: At first he's like, sort of lost in the sentence, it seems like. He's like, smiling slightly to himself. And then he quickly startles, and goes, "No! Certainly not!" And then he literally like, jumps up out of his chair and backs away, and goes, "I have no idea what that feels like! What makes you say that?" which is like, maybe he does think it's a trick right now, right? or something? Like, he thinks that this is like, some kind of thing to throw him off balance and like, surveil him. So yeah, one thing I will say about the Season 2 trailer [laughs] is that this line that Gabriel says is in the trailer, and it is a voiceover. I give you one guess for what it's a voiceover over.

G: What?

C: It's Aziraphale and Crowley like, cheersing each other like, and smiling at each other at a table.

G: Man, who give a shit? [laughs] I hate trailers so much.

C: I give a shit in that, when I watched it, I was like, "Great. More bait. Looking forward to being baited so hard some more," [laughs] and then the kiss dropped.

It's sad that he's still so scared. And other thing Gabriel reveals is that there's something terrible that's gonna happen to him, and coming here was the only way to prevent it. And we eventually find out that, like, he was bringing something there to prevent it, and that it was probably in the box, and that he like, carried over here, and Aziraphale heads out to get said box.

-

C: So Crowley's like, in the Bentley. It's like, parked on this cobblestone street where we see it later, so it seems like Crowley sort of has a permanent spot for it.

G: Parking spot, yeah.

C: So Shax calls, Crowley picks up and is like, "Hey, like, some advice. Either call or appear mysteriously. Don't do both." And the camera swivels around and shows that Shax is also there. And I think it is fun that, like, they're giving her advice, like, you know, Crowley's searching for purpose in wherever, and if like, currently, that means like, training his replacement like, oh, well. So be it. Shax gives an update that the whatever's up with Heaven involves Gabriel, and Crowley goes, "Oh, no! His Royal smugness is in trouble. That's so sad." while like, quirking up his mouth. And yeah, I feel like Crowley didn't get over what she saw during the body swap. The way Aziraphale got over what he saw at the body swap, so yeah, no. Crowley fucking hates Gabriel's ass. And then, you know, Shax doesn't understand sarcasm. Crowley says they'll work on it, and Shax disappears. At the book shop, I don't know, there's like, a scene where, like, Gabriel goes like, "You're funny. I love you." Okay. And Aziraphale's like, "Thank you. I... mmh!" Which yeah, Aziraphale's just like me for real, except I do usually go through with saying it back even if I don't want to. Aziraphale's right for not doing it.

And then Aziraphale sort of- Gabriel picks up that Aziraphale keeps calling him Gabriel, and Aziraphale says, "No, no, no, you've gotta go by Jim."

G: Yeah. [laughs] I actually- I did laugh, finally, at the "Jim, short for Gabriel." And Aziraphale going like, "No no no. Jim is short for James."

C: He goes, "James, long for Jim, and short for Gabriel."

We cut to Crowley rushing to Soho in the car, and we finally see that the plants are in her backseat. That's nice.

G: Also, they do the same, like, zoom-in from Episode 5.

C: Ah, yeah. And Aziraphale's calling like, "Hey, can we meet up?" but like, Crowley's already driving. So was Crowley already planning to tell Aziraphale the news about Gabriel, and now, like, there's just a call coming? I don't know.

G: No. Probably. I don't know.

C: I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. They have a fun exchange where Aziraphale's like, "Hello! It's me. Don't say anything." and then pauses and goes, "Are you there?" And Crowley's like, [G laughs] "Should I say something now?"

G: [giggling] Yeah. Look how like, the entirety of this episode, in present day, I was like, so completely silent, no reaction whatsoever, and now they're talking, and I'm giggling, twirling my hair. But like, literally! Whenever they're together, it's so much fun!

C: It is. It is. In Heaven, there's a match box on the ground, and the editing makes sure to highlight the words on the side, which are "Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out." from Job 41:19. Do you know the context of that line? Does that- Is there anything there? No?

G: No, I don't know, yeah. I meant to look it up. Like, when I first watched this episode, I was like, "I should reread the Book of Job, probably." But like, I didn't, so, tough luck! I was too busy being absolutely miserable.

C: I understand. We meet a new angel, who, we later find out, is Muriel, who touches the matchbox and freaks out.

G: I love the styling of Muriel so much. So cute.

C: I mean, I like their outfit. I don't like their hair very much.

G: Aw. I think it fits!

C: I don't- I just think there's a lot of bad hair this season. Like, Michael's hair? Bad. Muriel's hair?

G: I like it!

C: You like Michael's hair?

G: No, I like Muriel's hair. And also, their shoes are quite wonderful. I like them. I like them a lot.

C: Oh, yeah, fun shoes. I agree. I agree about the shoes.

G: Wonderful shoes.

-

C: In Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death, this dramatic music's playing as Crowley like, zooms into Soho and sits down at the table. Aziraphale is not forthcoming about what's happening. I feel like it's because he's afraid Heaven's surveying him. What I don't get is- okay. What happens, right- Aziraphale's like, "Oh, shit! Gabriel's in my shop. I need to call Crowley for help. Crowley, meet me at this coffee shop so we can talk without Gabriel being here." And then in the coffee shop, he's like, "I'm not gonna say a single fucking thing. And then I'm just gonna go back to the bookshop that I was trying to get away from without explaining the situation to Crowley at all." Like, what was the point of meeting in the coffee shop?

G: Crowley does need to be told that, like, there is something going on, so brace yourself.

C: He could have said that on the fucking phone!

G: In terms of the whole like, "I'm not gonna tell you anything," I actually like that. I like that. Haven't you done that with anyone? Like, instead of telling them something, you like, make them guess, but like, not like, as a fun thing, but like, because you cannot say the thing?

C: Yeah. But like, he doesn't even have Crowley guess.

G: No! Crowley is like- no, it's like, "You ask me, and I will answer, but I won't say it directly," which is very much a thing for them.

C: Sure. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. It just seemed-

G: Contrite.

C: Like, the change of set just seemed- yeah, it was just very trivial.

G: They're just trying to incorporate this fucking coffeeshop.

C: Yeah, exactly. It's just so that like, Crowley and Nina can meet, and also like, we know that Aziraphale and Nina can like, see each other. There's not a point to it. They very easily could have just-

G: Well, because they did that whole bit with John Hanm being naked, and there needs to be some acknowledgement from Aziraphale and Crowley, I feel like that's the thinking. Like, "We need to have a situation where Crowley is made aware that [laughing] Gabriel was naked on the streets of Soho." Yeah. So like, they had to put this scene in. 'Cause it's not like, I don't think, you know, Aziraphale will volunteer that information. So it needs to be revealed by another person.

C: I think if Crowley went in and saw that Gabriel was wearing a sheet, he would just automatically be like, "Well, that's your blanket. Was he naked?"

G: Well, obviously, Crowley is not in a mindset where that is the first thing, you know, he would ask.

C: That's fair. That's fair. Crowley asks, "What's wrong?" Aziraphale's like, "How'd you know that there's something wrong?" And Crowley goes, "You have three reasons for calling me. You're bored, you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop, or something's wrong. This was your 'something's wrong' voice." And he does a little Aziraphale voice imitation on the words "something's wrong." That's sweet. Oh, to be known. Oh, to be loved. But- I don't know. Do you have thoughts on this line?

G: Don't even.

C: You don't give a shit?

G: No, [laughing] I was gonna say, "They don't even love each other!" which is such a mean thing to say. I'm just kidding.

C: Whoa! Wait, what do you mean? [G laughs]

G: [laughing] No, I'm just- I'm fucking going through it. I'm fucking going through it.

G: Okay. Is it just because of the ultimatum?

G: Let's talk about it when we get to it.

C: Yeah, okay, okay, okay. I feel like some people have read this line as like, "Oh, Crowley thinks that like, he only exists to be useful to Aziraphale" or something, like-

G: No!

C: Yeah, exactly. I think that this is like, perfectly cute and fine and lovely. Like, yeah. You do call your friends when you're bored. Like, yeah.

We get a hint of Aziraphale also missing Heaven, where he says, "It's nice to tell someone about the good things you've done now that I'm not reporting to Heaven." These two truly are praise kink 4 praise kink. I am surprised that we don't get more of this from him this season or this episode. 'Cause like, it was a huge part of his identity that he was an angel, and he was on the side of good, and supposedly doing good things all the time. So like, this line makes sense, like, he would want outside reassurance about that. But like, I don't- it's strange that didn't come into play with his decision to help Gabriel, or anything like that.

G: Well, what do you mean? 'Cause there is definitely that aspect of, "He's trying to be a nice and kind person to Gabriel right now."

C: Yeah, I guess it's more like- I guess I'm more asking about like, him dealing with the loss of his identity as like, an angel who works for Heaven, specifically. I feel like that wasn't part of the Gabriel thing.

G: Why would it be?

C: I don't know. I just- like, the fucking Amazon Prime summary for Aziraphale's character like, ends with like, "He feels like Heaven could do with a great deal of improvement, but he loves God and the ideals of Heaven, and will do everything in his power to do good." And I don't know if, like, the ideals of Heaven are like, something we see him thinking much about in this episode.

G: Yeah.

C: I mean, it's good that he doesn't think about it in this episode, but I guess I was expecting more about him dealing with his new existence without his job.

Nina comes up and takes their orders. Crowley orders a cup with just six shots of espresso in it. Aziraphale orders Eccles cakes 'cause he wants something that'll calm people down. Nina asks about how Aziraphale's "naked man friend" is. I mean, basically, Aziraphale's just like- Well, Crowley's like, "Naked man friend?" and Aziraphale's like, "Well, he's certainly not naked anymore." Does Crowley at any point think this is a human hookup, or is he just immediately like, "There must be something else going on." Like, what's going on in his head?

G: I don't think he thinks there's a human hookup situation. I don't know!

C: Mm. I don't know. He probably doesn't think it's a human hookup. Like, 'cause he asks if it's related to the-

G: I mean, Aziraphale obviously calls Crowley for something that is- you know. Like, something is happening. So like, I think it's easy to connect the dot that, like, "a naked man showed up in front of the bookshop," also, "something is happening" is related.

C: Yeah, probably. But yeah, Nina smiles and goes, "You're a dark horse, Mr. Fell." They all think he's gay, 'cause he is. Isn't that nice? Nina, like, asks about Crowley, and Aziraphale says, "This is Crowley. He and I go back a long time." And that's nice. He's not denying that they're friends anymore. He's not saying "This is my friend, Crowley" but like, whereas before, not saying "friend" felt like, it was like, covering up "friend," not saying "friend" here feels like it's covering up like, "There is, like, other things beyond friendship going on right now." So yeah. It's very different from "I've never even met him" in 1601. It's nice that Aziraphale is okay with saying certain things now. But yeah, like you said- or it's like, Crowley's asking the questions. 'Cause Crowley's like, "I heard something's going on in Heaven. Do you know about it?" "Like, possibly a little." "Okay. So like, why aren't we talking about in your shop? Is it 'cause of the naked man? Does this have anything to do with why we're not in your bookshop right now?" And then finally, "Is this something I can help you with?" And Aziraphale just sort of shrugs on the last one, and then Crowley downs all six shots of espresso and runs out. Aziraphale follows behind him, taking the entire plate of Eccles cakes.

G: Yeah!

C: Including the plates that Nina owns.

G: Entire plate! Entire plate.

C: Yeah, entire fucking plate. Did they even pay? [G laughing] I don't think they did.

G: God. Would've been so funny if Crowley brought the mug also. Just bring the mug, dude.

C: Yeah. They're just here to fucking steal your ceramic. [G laughs] And while they're going down the street, ugh, cornyass line! Maggie stops Aziraphale and is like, "Oh, Mr. Fell, I just wanted to say about the rent, you're an angel." And Aziraphale's like, "No? Nah." Like, [sighs] okay. Why? You guys could have just not had Maggie Service have to be like, on set for that day. Like, you didn't need that joke.

G: Do they end this- like, Maggie and Nina, do they end this season aware of what Crowley and Aziraphale are?

C: Yeah.

G: Really? Okay.

C: Okay. So Crowley goes, "Doing good, again, angel?" and Aziraphale says, "A purely selfish action. Hardly counts." You're right. It doesn't count, Aziraphale. [both laugh] Maggie goes inside the coffee shop. It is like- Like, Nina's only employee has, like, packed up and left. Like, this is like, past closing hours. Maggie, you're so rude. I know you just wanted to be alone so that you could like, do your whole thing, but like, come on! I mean, it's not good to ask service workers out like, on the job, but it's also not nice to like come in after hours. [G laughs] Like, it's not good. It's very- yeah. Just don't do it, man. So she comes in, says that she wants get to something. Nina does the whole like, "I thought it was my charming personality," blah blah blah. And Maggie's brought her a gift, which is the record for The Best of Nina Simone, even though Nina doesn't own a record player. And she just does this 'cause her name is Nina. [laughing] I would be so annoyed. [G laughing] And you know what? Nina is so annoyed. Like, I don't know. Was she not listening? Like, their last conversation was just Nina going like, "Who the fuck owns records these days? I hate records. I would never have a record player ever in my life." And Maggie's like, "Here you go." But, you know. Whateber. I guess she's just like, awkward, and doesn't think things through entirely, whatever whatever. This is something that would only work if Nina was already into her. And she's not, I don't think.

G: Yeah. I mean, to be fair, the thing is like, if this was not like, during this time, it wouldn't be as bad. But like, what you said, like, I mean, at some point right like, Maggie says, like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think it through." And Nina's just like, "Look. I just want to go home. And like, you are the last customer. So let's just chop chop." I don't know. It is not a good look.

C: Yeah. She's really inconveniencing her right now. Maggie orders an herbal tea so that she's not up all night. They have an exchange where Nina's like, "Oh, you know, like, we used to party like crazy when we were kids," and Maggie's like, "I never did that, 'cause I'm an Aziraphale parallel. Oh my god!"

G: We never even brought that up. Like, she has like, blonde hair, she dresses up like Aziraphale [laughs], you know. And I don't know. Okay, fine.

C: Fine. [both] Fine. I mean, it's not fine. I'm gonna complain about it a lot in episode 6. [G laughs]

G: Alright.

C: But at least that's like, Nina sort of trying to make friendly small talk, which I guess is what causes Maggie to like, be a little more emotionally open next. But, like, her whole thing is just like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have brought over the record without asking!" And Nina - I mean, I think Nina fully sees this for what it is, and she's just like, "I have to get home to my partner soon." Like, that's a clear rejection. Like, "Okay, we're done."

G: Yeah. And the way Maggie reacts is like, "Oh. [overlapping] You have a partner?" Shut the fuck up!

C: Like, you're a regular here. You didn't know her name until today. You are not friends. You're not even friendly acquaintances. Like, just like, okay. Get out. The end! Come on!

G: [laughs] Yeah.

C: So yeah. And then Nina starts dropping hints so that her partner kind of sucks, like, 'cause they really don't like it when she's late. And yeah, that's when we cut to the bookshop.

-

G: Crowley and Aziraphale enter the bookshop, and like, the first thing Crowley says is-

C: Yes!

G: I wasn't gonna mention it out there.

C: So like, why meet out there, then?

G: Is the bookshop protected?

C: Didn't he already say something's going on with Heaven? Didn't he already say that in the coffee shop that something's going on with Heaven?

G: No, I think the reveal here is not that. It's just that it involved Gabriel.

C: Okay. Sure. Is the bookshop protected? Yes, I think in some ways.

G: Is the bookshop protected? It is?

C: Okay, yeah. But okay, what I was focused on was that the first thing-

G: What do you mean, "Okay, yeah"? Like, the bookshop is protected

C: It's protected from Hell. I don't know about from Heaven.

G: Oh, because sigils and stuff?

C: Yeah, like, in Supernatural. Okay, the reason I said, "yes" excitedly was 'cause I thought you were gonna talk about the first thing Crowley does, which is take off her sunglasses!

G: Take off the glasses. I like that. She puts it in the horse-

C: - on the horse statue, right by the door.

G: I love that. And they make a point of showing that like, when Crowley walks out, that's where he takes it, from the- like, it's like a specific shot where the whole point is to show Crowley taking the glasses from the horse statue, and I liked it.

C: It's so nice. Yeah. 'Cause in Season 1, he keeps them on in the bookshop until, like, he's very drunk, so like, things haven't changed that much for them, but they have changed a little, and I just- I love just the horse statue of it. Like, the horse statue by the door. I don't know if that's like, the designated place for them every time, or Crowley just sort of sets them down wherever, 'cause the next time he comes in, he just like, throws them onto the table dramatically. But like, it's like, when you take off your glasses or sunglasses, in most situations, like, you either put them in like, your pocket, or like, your bag, or like, you like, hook it on your shirt, right? But like, doing this is like, "The only reason I would put these back on is if I left this place." And that's like, what you do when you come home. So yeah. It's nice. It's nice.

G: Aziraphale is closing the blinds by the door. And then Aziraphale goes like, "I think I can actually guess what Hell told you. Is it... Jim?" And like, you know, Crowley's like, "Jim? We know a Jim?" And then, like, in the back, Gabriel is moving to the forefront and says, "Hi," and Crowley is very shocked, very angry, very upset that Gabriel's here. And like, we start

the whole "Crowley is mad, and like, shouting," raising voice, blah blah blah. This is like, a bit where like, they ask, like, "What are you doing here?" and Gabriel's like, "I'm dusting." This episode is so nothing!

C: Well.

G: But we are about to come to the something, which is that we are in our- what? Fourth divorce of the show? [both laughing]

G: 4 over 7. Pretty good number.

G: Aziraphale and Crowley enter like, a backroom of the bookshop.

C: Yeah, the walls are orangey, and they really bring out Crowley's eyes.

G: Yeah, it's lit a specific way. Crowley is, you know, upset, says that we should bring Gabriel away, and Aziraphale is like, "Where are we going to take him?" And Crowley's like, "The taking him somewhere is not the point. It's making sure that he doesn't come back." And Aziraphale is doing the, you know, "Crowley, he's in trouble. We should help him. He said something terrible was going to happen to him." So, you know, and all this time, Crowley is like, "Well, if he's in trouble, then should, you know, get the fuck away. Something terrible is gonna happen? Even more so we should get away," and all that. Crowley finally says, like, the thing that I think bothers them the most, which is that, "This is the angel who tried to kill you. Like, why are you sticking your neck up for this guy. He's not our friend." And Aziraphale says, "I don't think he really has any friends." And Crowley goes, "Well, exactly." And Aziraphale's like, "Yes, yes! Exactly!" And this episode got the second laugh that it got from me when Crowley replies with, "Wait, what does your 'exactly' mean, exactly? I feel like your exactly and my exactly are two different exactlys." [C laughs] And you know what? They are. Aziraphale says, "If he doesn't have any friends, even more so that he needs us." Crowley says [C screams] the line. "What I need is for him to be nowhere near me and the precious, peaceful, [both] fragile existence that I have carved out for myself here." [C screams] It's precious, peaceful, and fragile. Imagine. 6000- more than 6000 years old. You existed before time was a concept. And you now think of your life as something that is precious, peaceful, and fragile. Oh, buddy.

C: Oh, buddy. God.

G: And, you know, Aziraphale says, "I thought we carved it out for ourselves." And Crowley goes, [both] "So did I!" [C screams]

C: Ah! Oh, god. They are so- They don't understand each other right now. It's so- Like, yeah, like, okay, so Crowley's "So did I" shows that like, the fragile part is like, the most important part. Specifically, he thought that, like, this existence, like, the first and foremost most important part about it is like, being safe and that Aziraphale doing this endangers, like, both of them, but like, also like, endangering Aziraphale endangers Crowley emotionally, etc etc. And like, but like, I guess Aziraphale's reading the refusal to help as like, sort of just like, overly focused on self-preservation, and also like, his idea of like, the existence that they would have after the Apocalypse is that like, they would like, do things together, I guess, is like, his main thing, whereas Crowley's is like, "Even if it means being apart, like, safety's number one." Like, they never sat down and like, talked about what they wanted or anything. And now they have to divorce again over it.

G: So Aziraphale, king of ultimatums, [both laugh] truly.

C: Yeah, they were talking for like, a minute. And it's like, "Okay. Well. Are we getting a divorce?" [G laughs]

G: He goes, "If you refuse to help me, then, of course, you're at liberty to go." Liberty to go. You're at liberty to go. Crazy thing to say.

C: It's like, "No matter what, it will be your fault, 'cause I'm just giving you the option."

G: Yeah, no, it's like, offloading the choice to Crowley when like, it is Aziraphale who is, you know, putting that line there of like, "You're either helping me or you're getting the fuck out of here."

C: Yeah, though, like, did he read the "So did I"- 'cause like, I know what the "So did I" means. But like, what does Aziraphale think the "So did I" means?

G: Okay. So like, what is trying to be said with the "I've carved it out for myself here." So after that, Aziraphale says, "I thought we carved it out for ourselves." What you said, like, "We're in it together. We're supposed to do things together and stuff." And I think now, when Crowley says, "So did I," Aziraphale receives it as like, "Well, I thought we were gonna do things together, but I don't wanna do this with you, so fuck off."

C: Yeah, I feel like Aziraphale reads this as- I think he thinks that Crowley rejected him first.

G: [sighs] Yeah. Well.

C: So the ultimatum isn't as mean as you might automatically think. Like, it is like a- "Oh, you don't want this anywhere? Okay, you can go if you want."

G: The thing is, everything I will say onwards, from here on onwards about Aziraphale may seem like I think Aziraphale is a bad person or is doing a bad thing here. He isn't, though. Like, he's doing something hurtful, but like, [laughs] it makes perfect sense for him to be doing this. And they just can't communicate. This is how they talk. They talk in ultimatums, they talk in like, in a tempter-temptee dialog. They just refuse to say what they mean so everything is misunderstood. And I do think Aziraphale is trying. It's just, he gets scared so easily to stop the trying. Because, like, if you actually put your heart on your sleeve like that, and then it gets stomped at anyway, then it's like, a double blow.

C: I mean, do you that he knows that Crowley misunderstands him, though?

G: For which part?

C: I just- whenever it seems like Crowley misunderstands him. I don't know if Aziraphale knows that what he's saying is being taken the way it is.

G: Okay, here's the thing. I think Aziraphale misunderstands Crowley. I don't think, necessarily, that Crowley misunderstands Aziraphale. I think Crowley just takes like, the worst possible way to understand the situation. And, like, the thing is, a lot of the times, the worst possible way to understand the situation is what Aziraphale means it for it to be.

C: But like, at least Aziraphale’s responding to like, an incorrect idea of what Crowley said. So that's still- It's still like, a, "If he knew that I meant this, then like, it means that then, like, there would be a different response." The one-sided misunderstanding begets other side misunderstanding just 'cause it's like, "Yeah, okay, that is what he meant, but like, he wouldn't have actually said that or thought that if-"

G: Meant that if you- yeah.

C: In the tempter-temptee, like, script that they use sometimes, like, it relies on like, Crowley knowing what Aziraphale wanted the whole time, and just like, leading him to it. And like, for that to work out like, Aziraphale has to be- Aziraphale has to assume that Crowley does know what he wants. I feel like Aziraphale thinks that Crowley does understand him pretty well.

G: Definitely. Both of them think that of each other.

C: Yeah. Yeah. So I guess that just compounds the hurt.

G: Yeah. Both of them are like, "You're the person who understands me the most in the world." But like, that doesn't mean shit, you know? Like, the person who understands you most in the world still probably cannot fathom the complexity of your being. Yeah. And like, that's where they keep on bumping. It's like, yes, they are, you know, a mirror for each other to show you who you are, if you forget. But like, they are also their own people, and- What comes after Aziraphale saying, "You're at liberty to go." Is Crowley just looking at him and like, softly going, "To go?" [laughs] Hoo. And he goes, "Alright. This is how you want to do it?" [C winces audibly] which is my best line of this episode. [laughs] "This is how you wanna-" [screams] Saying, "This is how you want to do it?" is like- it's not even like, surprise that it's happening, you know? Crowley isn't like, "Oh my god! You're asking me to go? Like, you want us to separate? What's wrong with you?" It's like, "Ah. This was always going to happen. But this is how you wanna do it? This is how it's gonna happen? We haven't even tried penetration yet!" [C laughing] Yeah. And they haven't.

C: They haven't. [G laughing]

G: Do I need to explain that?

C: Sure, man.

G: "We haven't even tried penetration yet" is my shorthand with myself about like, you know, like, when, you know, you lose something, and you understand that the grief of losing it is so big, and what you lost is so big, but you're like, "I don't wanna think about that, so I'll just think about the fact that I'm sad because we haven't even tried penetration yet." [laughing]

C: And they haven't even tried penetration yet! It's so awful.

G: [laughing] And they didn't! They didn't! God. They haven't!

C: That tire iron did not pierce that scroll at all!

G: Exactly. No, but like, the point- the reason why this scene makes me so emotional is like,  it's just waiting for the other shoe to drop, then. Like, four years, right? Four years between this and the Apocalypse that wasn't. So in those four years, like, was Crowley just sitting there like, "Well, a shoe was going to drop at some point. And whether it will drop- I will hope that it will drop towards something nice, something positive. A good change. But if it drops the other direction, I have fully expected it." And this is like, what this line feels like. It's like, "Yeah, it was always going to happen." And, like, you know, like, in Episode 6, Aziraphale does threaten Crowley. The like, "I'm never gonna speak to you again." And we've talked about that sentence a lot last episode. But, like, you know, like, "Was it actually meant?" etc etc. And I was like, "The point isn't that Aziraphale meant it in the moment. The point is that he even said it in the first place. That it was a threat that was willingly made." And, I don't know. I feel like I was Crowley in this situation, I would think to myself like, "Oh, he said he won't ever talk to me again if I don't do- if I didn't do that thing. And I did it. But one day, there is going to be something that I can't do, and there is going to be an ultimatum that I can't possibly fulfill. And that threat is going to be there. This one seems to be it!" Horrible. Devastating.

C: I am more bolstered by the "I don't even like you!" "You do!" I just- I feel like Crowley has more faith in this relationship than I think you do. [G sighs]

G: Faith can only get you so much. The thing is like, that seed is planted, you know? Like, yeah, they have so much history, and yeah, like, you know from what you see in Aziraphale's actions and stuff that he likes you. But like, there are other actions that say otherwise. And they're also happening.

C: Yeah. I mean, I think that Aziraphale should be nicer just for the sake of being fair within the relationship, but I don't necessarily translate that to like, a lot of Crowley insecurity. But, I mean, I can definitely see where your reading comes from, and I feel like Season 2 might be leaning into that more, [G groans] so you may be more correct in the mind of Neil Gaiman, which is, of course, all of our ultimate goals. [both laugh]

G: I think, you know, insecurity is not something that is constant. So like, one moment you can be so sure about someone. And the next, you're like, "Oh. No. I'm not."

C: Yeah. And I guess, like, things like depression can definitely up your insecurity. Yeah, I guess if Crowley spent all this time without stability, constantly looking over their shoulder, like, they probably do rely more on like, "Well, at least there's Aziraphale. Oh god, is there still Aziraphale?" a lot. So yeah, okay. I'm coming around to your side of things. I mean, Aziraphale's point of view, though, he wouldn't do this unless he was sure Crowley was gonna come back, right?

G: I mean, okay, the very next line. Crowley asks, like, "This is how you wanna do it?" The very next line, Aziraphale goes, "No!" [both laugh] He says, "No!" And here, this is what I'm saying earlier, where it's like, Aziraphale, I think, is trying. He is trying. Like, he says here, like, "No, I do sincerely want you to help me. And I'm asking you to help me take care of him." And then we see like, a shot of Crowley's face kind of like, just looking. And I tried to watch it again to see if it's like, a disbelieving look of like "How could you even ask this?" or like, whatever. I couldn't really read it, so. But I guess Aziraphale couldn't either, 'cause he panics, and he goes back to the ultimatum.

C: Yeah, he doesn't give Crowley a chance to respond to the genuine question. He just like, sits down, and goes. "But if you won't, you won't."

G: I mean, I get it. You ask someone like this, sometimes you're scared to even hear whether they'll say yes or no. Like, it's better to just presume it, you know. But, I mean, Aziraphale. Last season, Crowley asked you to run away with them to fucking Alpha Centauri, and you said "No" so vehemently. So like, let Crowley say "No" so vehemently.

C: Well, he does.

G: Well, he does, but like, again, it's the illusion of choice, you know? It's an ultimatum. And like, the way it's presented is, "Oh, but it's your choice if you leave." But, like, the way the conversation is going, Crowley doesn't seem to be presented with an actual choice.

C: Yeah. Though, I mean, I guess again, reiterating that I think Aziraphale thinks that Crowley's already rejected him with the "So did I," so he's just operating off of that place.

G: Just say "Please," man. [C laughs] Please? It works a lot. It works so much more than you expect it to. Say please. So Crowley, you know, gets upset with this and leaves.

C: Yeah, he says, "Yeah, I won't. You're on your own with this one." I'd say this is also a dick move! Like, I know that this is a situation engineered by Aziraphale, but like, [laughs] he could die. I don't know. I don't know.

G: Well, I mean, Crowley isn't that sure about that yet.

C: Yeah, yeah. After a clear and present danger is like, communicated, like, she does leg it back. So, yeah.

-

C: They go outside. They're very, very angry. And the anger's- what? Like, a mix of anger at Gabriel, for, like, all the shit he pulled, and then like, anger at Aziraphale for like, still- like, for what? Like, for being like, too nice for his own good, or like- Is Crowley reading this as like, Aziraphale being too nice that it makes him stupid, or like, still having some kind of loyalty to Heaven? Or like, what's the- Why does he think Aziraphale's doing this?

G: You know what you said earlier, like, Crowley's priority is that they're safe. I think it is very much a matter of "You're going to throw away what we have right now?" I don't think, you know, Crowley is unaware of how big of a deal this is that Gabriel is here and etc etc. But everybody's fucking panicking. And I'm so miserable we don't ever get to see like, a "before the shit goes down." Like, why can't they like, hang out for a bit at the beginning of this episode? And then shit goes down. Like, what are they even like when it's a normal day?

C: Neil Gaiman just was really excited about getting John Hamm naked. He couldn't wait any longer. But yeah, I wish. I wish we got them hanging out

G: Like, what is there to lose now? We don't even know.

C: Agh. I think it's also probably just generalized anger at the universe for like, "Why did this happen to us?"

G: This scene- 'cause you asked me like, when you were asking like, "Why is Crowley angry?" I was like, "There doesn't need to be like, a specific reason for Crowley to be feeling this emotion." And then, at the end of that statement, you pivoted to [laughs] "What does Crowley think Aziraphale is doing?" And that's what I answered. But in terms of what Crowley is angry about, I don't think it's anything specific. It's just frustration at the everything.

C: Yeah, yeah. "Things were okay, and now they're not. What the hell?"

G: Guess again.

C: She goes outside, and she's like seething. All that shit. She tells herself, "Just breathe. That's what humans do. Then they count to 10 before they do anything stupid." Maggie and Nina notice that there's literal smoke coming off of him. And then they say, "Oh, I can't do this! I'm just so angry! 10!" [laughs] and then gets struck by lightning.

G: This is funny. This is funny. This is cute. It's fun.

C: It's fun. Yeah, I love how Crowley's still like, "I need to adhere to that rule somehow. I'm just gonna say 10." And then the lightning that strikes automatically [laughs] turns all the security systems on, which traps Maggie and Nina in the coffee shop-

G: It's so corny.

C: - and also saps all of the juice from their phones. Okay.

G: Damn.

C: If you say so. We get a scene where Michael and Uriel are discussing who's gonna carry out Gabriel's duties now. They're a bit antagonistic, both of them. Michael's being like, "Oh, yeah, you know, like, of course, I'm not trying to replace Gabriel, but like, I am the duty officer, and I think the person in charge should be like, all of us. But led by me." And Uriel seemed more happy with the just "all of us" part of it. And Seraqael appears, and Saraqael's outfit is sort of like, a tracksuit situation, which I think is fun. And Muriel's is- it's like, this pleated skirt, and then I don't remember the top very well, 'cause I just remember the skirt being fun. And then you said that you liked their shoes. What are their shoes?

G: They're gold and white. Very cute.

C: Muriel introduces himself as, "No one. I mean, Muriel! 37th order scrivener." And presents the matchbox to the Archangels. And they're like, both very alarmed, because apparently, it is impossible for a material object to be in Heaven. How did Aziraphale keep his clothes those times, then?

G: Yeah, I don't know. Do you think Muriel is going to be a character I end up liking more?

C: Eh, if you currently don't like them, probably not.

G: Well, I currently like them.

C: Oh, then, sure. [G laughs]

G: Alright! I like that like, you know, they're like, basically the Eric of Heaven now. That's the vibe, right? C: Kinda. Yeah.

G: I like that. They saw Eric, like, four years ago, and they were like-

C: "Just like me for real."

G: - we gotta get a guy who's like that in here.

C: Yeah. So we see a bit more of the matchbox as Michael fiddles around with it. It's for a pub called the Resurrectionist in Edinburgh. And, you know, she clearly doesn't know what to do with it. She just pokes around at it, and is like, "Okay." And Uriel concludes that Gabriel must have gone to Earth.

-

G: So we go to Crowley, who is like, entering her car and stuff. And as soon as he enters, there's like, bugs everywhere. Flies. And it's, you know, obviously, it's Beelzebub.

C: Yeah. Also, this happens after she hangs up her sunglasses on the car, so now she's in Hell without her glasses, and I feel like all of the times we've seen her there, she has had her sunglasses on. So it must be a disorienting experience.

G: Huh. Really? C: Hasn't it? Like, every time she's giving a report, I think that she has her sunglasses on.

G: Oh, yes, yes, you're right. Yeah. Beelzebub manifests like, from the flies, but like, as soon as the manifesting ends, they are both in Hell. And they're like, in a- It's like they're in a room that's like, an observation room or whatever. And there's like, you know, demons outside, walking about, but it's just the two of them here. I like that choice, actually, to put them both like, in a place where you can see that there are people buzzing around. Pun not intended. But it's fun. But like, they are separate from the situation.

C: Yeah, they're also sitting on matching thrones.

G: Yeah. I find it fascinating. Because the last time we see, quote "Crowley" in Hell, everybody was threatened as hell, right? I do wonder, what would it be like to like, have Crowley walking around downstairs?

C: Yeah, people would be scared

G: And okay. Beelzebub is played by a different person.

C: Yes, Shelly Conn. When Beelzebub got recast, Danica was like, "Oh, it's 'cause like, Neil Gaiman accidentally said that like, ze was nonbinary on Tumblr, so like, he had to recast her- like, a nonbinary person to play them."

G: Oh, really?

C: But, no. Shelly Conn is not nonbinary. I was like, "No. That's not why. I have no clue why he got like, why he recast Beelzebub. It makes no sense." But, you know, I mean, I like the new actress. You don't?

G: Well, I really like Beelzebub's speaking pattern, and I am a bit sad that it's gone.

C: Yeah. But this new one's also fun. I like the rotting teeth and the way that ze moves like, zir mouth around.

G: I need to be convinced further.

C: Okay.

G:  I don't know. Most of this conversation is like, "Oh, yeah, I changed my corporation."

C: Yeah, well Crowley opens with, "I thought we had a generalized understanding," which I think confirms that this is the first time the two of them have talked in four years.

G: Huh. I mean, Crowley is not aware of what- I mean, they must be.

C: Aziraphale told her what the-

G: Yeah. But he wasn't like, actually there to understand what like, the rapport is supposed to look like.

C: Well, yes, but-

G: Do you think there's like, a little bit of panic there?

C: Oh, like, of like, Crowley showing up? Is he panicked right now? Yeah. Or are you asking is Beelzebub panicked?

G: No, no, no. The other way around. If Crowley.

C: I mean, yeah.

G: Obviously.

C: Beelzebub just manifested in their car.

G: Yeah, that's true.

C: Like, brought them down to Hell. Like, are they even gonna get brought back to Earth? Who knows? And this Gabriel thing has just happened, so clearly, like, something is up.

G: If the bookshop is banned from demons-

C: Without invitation.

G: Ah. Well, I mean, Crowley wasn't invited when the bookshop was burning down.

C: Okay, Neil Gaiman answered this on Tumblr, [G laughing] and this is another thing where he loves to gloss over plot points by being like, "They're in love." And everyone's like, "Oh my god, they're in wuv!" But I think- what- I think he said, like, Aziraphale banned it from demons without invitation, like, on day one, but like, Crowley, was never like, part of that. Like, Crowley was like, written into the sigils as like, "He can come in," like, upon the bookshop's building.

G: Banger sigil, that one? Very specific.

C: Yeah, yeah. Just like the one that Melanie Crowley does in "A Glittering Instrument" by malicegeres. [laughs]

G: Hell yeah!

C: Hell yeah.

G: Beelzebub relays that Gabriel has vanished from Heaven, and then, like, Hell wants Gabriel. So like, "Give him to us!"

C: Yeah. I mean, ze offers Crowley like, a big ol', like, a promotion, a raise. Like, "Hell will take you back, no questions asked. How about that?" And Crowley is very noncommittal with every answer. It's like, "I don't think you're gonna do that." "What, Gabriel? I've never- who's Gabriel? I'm sure he's just having fun somewhere. Huh? Okay. Whatever." Like, yeah, he is being nervous and trying not to give info away.

G: Do you think- [sighs] Are you allowed to spoil me? Are you willing to do it?

C: They're- Beelzebub and Gabriel are already in love at this point if that's the-

G: No no no. I don't give a shit.

C: No? Goddammit, did I just spoil you with something you weren't asking?

G: No no no. I don't give a shit about that. Like, Crowley has a strengthening relationship with Hell onwards?

C: No. I don't think so.

G: No? So this offer doesn't go anywhere?

C: No.

G: The threat does.

C: Yeah.

G: Okay. So the offer is Duke of Hell. Blah blah blah. The sanction is Extreme Sanctions, so. And Beelzebub says that this specifically means you will be erased from the Book of Life. And we heard that earlier, but like, I don't know what the fuck that meant. Apparently, it means that you won't just be like, dead. You will be gone from existence like, from the very beginning.

C: Yep. You'll never have existed. You'll be erased from history, etc.

G: Oof. Who? Who gets fucking Booked of Life?

C: Huh? What?

G: Somebody gets Booked of Life in Season 2?

C: No?

G: Okay. [laughs]

C: I cared so much about not spoiling you for Season 1, [both laughing] and now it's just like, "No. Yeah. Mm-hm." [G laughs] But yeah, okay. When Beelzebub brings up extreme sanctions, Crowley goes like, "That's like, not a real thing."

G: Not real, yeah.

C: "Like, that's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs." And I think that- that was fun. And I also think that that- Okay, I mean, that does mean that like, Crowley's probably higher ranking than the cherubs, which I think we could guess sort of from the beginning. And I'm not sure exactly who the "we" are, but I think that maybe implies that he and Beelzebub were friends, or at least acquaintances in Heaven, right? Which is sort of fun. And also, it proves that Crowley remembers his time in Heaven, which includes the opening scene. But, you know.

G: Just because- okay. Listen to me. They're like, random to each other at this point. So like, they don't necessarily have to remember like, "Oh, I was hanging- like, that specific moment, I was with Crowley." "That specific moment, I was with Aziraphale."

C: I just assumed that they had really good memories.

G: Perfect memory?

C: Yeah, like, perfect memory. But I guess there's no proof of that.

G: You can have perfect memory and still not recognize people, I feel.

C: Yeah, it could be like, "Oh, wait, that was you? No way."

G: Yeah, like, "I remember the entire interaction, but I did not connect the dots."

C: Yeah, yeah. I think Aziraphale remembers, though, due to how down bad he was immediately.

G: So horrible.

C: Yeah. Fanfiction-ass episode.

G: Yeah. Anyway, Crowley like, is still talking, but then, like, is back in the car. So RIP.

C: RIP. Crowley is just like, "I don't know anything. But like, yeah, I'll totally tell you if I find out anything."

G: Also, like, the wording here, by the way, isn't like, Crowley, specifically, will be erased. It's that anyone involved will be erased.

C: Yeah, anyone who helps Gabriel.

G: Specifically, Aziraphale in this situation will be.

C: Yeah. And Beelzebub says, like, "Yeah, if you hear anything, come to me first." I mean, yeah, it just ends with Crowley being like, "No, no, no, no, Aziraphale! What have you done?" And then starts driving back.

-

C: So now we're back in the coffee shop. It's dark out. Maggie and Nina clearly have been waiting here for a while because they've made signs to hold up in the window to ask for help and everything. Not working. Maggie is upset about how her store is completely unlocked. She goes, "Anyone could just come in there and take records!" And Nina goes, "If I owned a record shop, I'd be more worried about people breaking in and leaving more records behind." [G laughs] Objectively hilarious sentence. Not a very nice thing to say.

G: She's not very niceys.

C: [laughs] Yeah. But, you know, Maggie immediately pays her back for being not very niceys as well. Nina offers her wine, and Maggie's like, "No, I don't really drink." And then Nina's like, "Okay, well, I'm gonna have a drink."

G: [laughing] I forgot that this scene happens!

C: And then Maggie crosses her arms and goes, "No judgment!" What? You're like, a fully-grown adult. Like, you have to have gotten over that at some point, Maggie. What was your upbringing? How is this something that you're doing? How incredibly annoying.

G: This is how I talk to people who drink coffee. [both laughing]

C: What's wrong with coffee?

G: [laughing] I'm just kidding. But like, literally though. [laughing] "Wow, you need a coffee? No judgment." [both laughing]

C: God bless. Yeah. It's just, I think at this point, I was like, "Yeah, I don't want them together in any way, shape or form." Like, they don't even respect each other!

G: I think- am I misremembering? I think you told me that they like, don't get together.

C: They don't. I don't care about spoilers. But it is implied that they are still into each other, which I don't believe.

G: Is it like a "We need like, time" situation?

C: Yeah. [sighs] Am I being overly critical of their relationship? Like, I feel like if I like, looked at them and tried to like, give as much care as I give to Aziraphale and Crowley to them, I probably could get some good content, especially 'cause like-

G: No.

C: - I know Nina Sosanya is a good actress. Like, should I be trying harder to open my heart to love?

G: I have already said earlier that, like- No, [laughing] I think I said this about the first scene between Aziraphale and Crowley this season. Like, this kind of interaction is like, so offputting when it happens in real life, don't you feel? Like, if somebody was acting like Maggie around me, I will be deeply irritated. And I also wouldn't want to talk to someone who is acting like Nina. [laughs] You know what I mean? So it's like, I cannot conceptualize- and I know not everything is about me and who I want to talk to, but like [laughing] I cannot conceptualize a situation where, you know, it happens, so RIP.

C: Yeah, I mean, like, being physically attracted to each other can only take you so far, and also, I'm not getting that much chemistry from them.

G: They're not.

C: I think that we're supposed to like, understand that they are physically attracted to each other, but like, I'm not seeing it. It's not happening.

G: Yeah, they don't have that much chemistry. I don't think anybody in this show has had chemistry. [laughing] Why am I suddenly turning into an Aziraphale/Crowley hater?

C: You see, I also ended Season 2 being like, "I feel like they don't like each other that-" [laughs] Like, the first time I watched through Season 2, I did end it with like, "So like, do they like each other?" [both laughing] Like- I-

G: Well, did they? C: Probably. [both laugh] Yeah. I just- yeah. Their interactions this season, anyone's interactions this season, it's not really working for me. And I get that this is the start of Nina and Maggie's relationship, and that like, it can definitely- like, things can develop from here. Except they don't in this show. So like, yeah. They don't. So there.

G: I mean, I know that a part of this season is about getting them together, and it just feels off putting when you see them, like, before they're getting together, and they don't seem to like each other.

C: Yeah. I mean the next part, it's like, we're supposed to think there's chemistry. But like. is there? Nina goes like, "Okay, good, 'cause I have enough judgment in my life already. When my phone comes back on, there's gonna be like, a hundred texts from Lindsay." And, like, Maggie, starts like- she smiles at her- like, what? Kind of like, what? Like, wistfully? And walks closer whilst saying, "Must be nice to have someone at home who cares where you are." Is this an attempted seduction? Because that's not the move here, girl.

G: No, no, I don't think it's an attempt at seduction. It's just, it's like, an attempt of like, connection, I suppose.

C: Yeah. Yeah. I guess. And then Nina's like, "Okay, well, Lindsay, like, wants me to text if I'm more than ten minutes late." And then Maggie, just like, completely ignoring this, like, just walks closer, and goes, "It's funny. I was sort of hoping we'd have a chance to talk. And now, here we are, locked in." Yeah, because you came in after closing, and then like, didn't head out after she gave you like, a clear like, "I have a partner. Back off."! And like, they're like, making like, heavy eye contact, or whatever, and like, I feel like the lighting is like- there's a bit of like, a softness to the camera that's supposed to make us be like, "Wow! They're having a moment." But like, they're not, you guys! They aren't. And Nina goes, "Here we both are." What? Like, what? What's happening here? Like, do they think they're gonna fuck in the backroom? Well, they're not, and they don't. Like, when we cut back to them after this, they're just like- [laughs] they went nowhere after this. The last time I was on call with my friend Fi and complaining about Season 2 again, [G laughs] she was like, "These lesbians must be really awful if you don't even support them a little bit." And I was like, "Well. They are." And they're not even awful. They're just incredibly mid. There's just nothing there. There's nothing. It's nothing. It's a nothing season, and it's a nothing relationship.

And then we see Crowley doing 110 miles per hour down London to get to Soho. And I should care about this. Everyone was like, "I should care about this." But I just don't. The song playing is "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" by Queen. And the entire hiatus, this was like, the song that everybody was like, making AMVs to, titling their fics after, begging and hoping for it to be in Season 2, and like, it is, but it's not utilized well. It's not really anything. It's just happening. It's, "Hey, boy, where'd you get it from? Hey, boy, where did you go? I learned my passion in the good old-fashioned school of lover boys." Okay, like, what does that mean in the context of this scene? Nothing.

G: Can you believe "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" plays in the Bentley in Good Omens, and I feel absolutely nothing.

C: Like, while Crowley is driving over to like, rescue Aziraphale or whatever.

G: Yeah! It's just, how do you fuck this up?

C: Exactly. Oh well.

G: You know where they should have fucking put this song?

C: Where?

G: Is the aforementioned scene prior to the events of this episode, [laughing] where they're just hanging out! [C laughs] There should have-

C: Oh my god, there should have been a montage! [G laughing] And then, like, they literally are dining at the Ritz, and there's a ding on Crowley's watch on the d- Yeah!

G: [laughing] We are so horrible. We just complained to hell and back that this is [both laughing, overlapping] a fanfiction-ass episode. But you know what? If they're going to make a fanfiction-ass episode, they should have committed to the fucking bit!

C: Exactly! Yeah. As- I was gonna quote something Danica says, but I don't actually remember. I think the gist of it is just like, "If this is fan service, then why am I not being serviced?" [G laughing] Yeah. Do a better job. [laughing] Do a Supernatural Season 12 market research before you write, but I should be the only market you research. You used "Bohemian Rhapsody" a bunch in Season 1, so let's have the fucking reprise to "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" scene.

G: Also, they do like, a lot of Queen songs that are playing in the background in like, a saxophone or whatever. You know what I mean. Like, instrumental this episode.

C: I didn't notice any of that. What were they?

G: There's like, a lot of like, I think "Bohemian Rhapsody" was playing in the cafe at some point.

C: Oh, wow, really?

Crowley like, talks out loud as they drive, like, to the bus like, "There's only room for one person in this lane, and it's not you!" and also talks to the traffic light. And you know what? My main takeaway from this is that Crowley has to be a Twitch streamer. It's so important.

We cut back to Maggie and Nina, and, you know, after that charged - or we were supposed to think it was charged - moment, they just went right back to chatting normally.

G: Charged with fucking negativity. [C laughs]

C: Yeah, yeah. They are ions for real. Nina, again, is like, "You know, records fucking suck, bro. Why do you have your store?" How many times has it been? 3?

G: I think it's four times. The first time- yeah, it's four. This is the fourth time! [C laughs] There's the first one when they were meeting. There's the one when the record was given. There's the one about stealing.

C: Yeah. And now there's this!

G: And then there's this one.

C: Yeah, though, I mean, when the record was given, she just said, "I don't have anything to play this on." Like, it was more of a stunned thing than like, a judgey thing that one time. So that's only half.

G: No, but I want it to be four so it's the equal amount of number that Aziraphale and Crowley have gotten divorced. [both laughing]

C: Maggie and Nina have also gotten divorced four times.

G: Yeah. Four is the magic number.

C: Yeah. And it's the death number.

Yeah, Maggie says that the store was originally owned by her great-grandmother and was in a corner of Aziraphale's grandfather's shop, so that's why Aziraphale lets her stay on without rent. Sometimes. She didn't say sometimes, but like, I'm assuming that she still has to pay rent some months. Ugh. Aziraphale sucks. He doesn't. He kinda does. [G laughs] For this. So yeah, Crowley parks on the line "Driving back and style to my saloon," which, okay, that one's a little fun. Or "Driving back in style in my saloon," right? 'Cause a saloon was a type of car at the time, and the Bentley is that type of car, I think I read somewhere. That's fun. Maggie and Nina are holding up the signs, and he's like, "Oh, was that me? My bad." And with a snap of her finger, unlocks everything and recharges the phones. And [laughs] we see a bunch of texts show up on Nina's phone. And it's like, what kind of fucked up messaging app is Lindsay using? [both laughing] Is there an app to turn all of your texts into the aesthetic of Jackbox Party Pack 3: Trivia Murder Party? Like, [laughing] what? What is this?

G: It looks, like, demonic in nature.

C: For real. When Season 3 opens with Lindsay showing up as a demon and fucking up everyone's life, well, that'll really show me. But yeah. It's like, the texts appear as like, they're like, these, like, paper rectangles, but it's like, grimy paper, right? Like, butcher paper. Like, there's stains on them. And then all the words are written in like, messy red crayon with like, scribbly underlines and all that shit. What messaging app is this? What is this? And, I mean, I paused to look at some of them, and it's all like, you know, it's all like, things that make you worried about Nina. Just like, shit like, "I am a real person. I matter. Why don't you care?", her name a lot in caps with exclamation points, "You have a great deal of explaining to do," "I've had enough of this," "At least one of us takes this relationship seriously." And then I think the funniest one is "Please remember what we agreed about mutual respect." This is how toxic lesbians are. Sorry about your relationship, Nina. I don't know. Maybe I should be a little nicer to Nina's unfriendly behavior or whatever because it's like, she's dealing with a lot of shit at home. Like, yeah. If she needs to take that frustration out by saying four times that your record store is like, stupid, [G laughs] I mean, I don't know. Maybe Lindsay likes records, you know?

-

G: Well, inside the bookshop, Crowley enters, and obviously, Aziraphale has heard this, but Aziraphale isn't looking.

C: Yeah. Did you notice specifically, before Crowley entered, Aziraphale was like, just sitting there doing nothing, sort of looking at the door, and as soon as Crowley goes in there, Aziraphale, like, puts his glasses on and pretends to be like, reading something?

G: That's so real of him. Fucking real.

C: Also, he's not wearing the jacket. Is this the first time we've seen him in just the waistcoat?

G: Yeah. I think so! So cute.

C: The back of it is green, it's dark green, which I think is so fun. I love when, like, men's section formal wear has like-

G: A little thing, yeah.

C: - hints of color. And the main thing I am thinking about regarding this is the dance scene at the end of Much Ado About Nothing (2011) when Benedick shrugs his jacket off, and you can see that the back of his vest is like, this sort of red plum color. I want that suit so much. David Tennant, like, if you have it like, can I have it? And also like, can we like, chat about other things? Or, you know. Anyway. [laughs] It's a good suit.

G: While you were talking, I rewatched the scene to see Aziraphale like, literally looking at the fucking door, [C laughs] and he being like, "Oops! He's here!" [laughing] It's so funny!  God, that's hilarious. That's so funny.

C: Yeah, I mean, I hope that sorta does mean that he suffered a bit, though, right? Like, maybe he was like, "Oh, what if she doesn't come back?" Like, Aziraphale wasn't able to just go back to regular functioning. Though I'm sure part of the door watching was like, watching out for Heaven, so it's probably a mix.

G: Crowley enters, rings the bell on the desk that, last season, Shadwell rang. He goes, "I'm back."

C: Yeah. As you may be able to guess, that was the first scene in the Season 2 trailer. [G sighs] You don't care about the trailer. Sorry, continue.

G: No, it's not that I don't- Like, I don't care about the trailer, but every time you tell me something about the trailer, I'm like, "Ugh." That's an "ugh" about like, the trailer, not about knowing about the trailer, you know? Aziraphale just keeps on doing whatever the fuck he's doing.

C: [laughing] Pretending that he's working.

G: I'm assuming he is cataloging a book or other. With an index card and everything.

C: Yeah! How sweet.

G: Ignoring- I mean, not ignoring. He goes like, "Yeah, I can see that." But like, not looking, not interacting. And Crowley asks, like, "Oh, do you want like, a big 'I think I said the wrong thing' sort of apology? Or can we take that as said?" [laughs]

C: Oh, god, they're so fucked in the head. Like, okay, like, what was the wrong thing, though? Like, what did you say wrong? What are you apologizing for? Do you have an answer for that? No, there isn't anything.

G: No, exactly! The thing is, like, when you- I've had a friend once tell me that you should never get back together with someone who you broke up with for a reason. Like, if there's like, an actual thing that they did or didn't do, and that's the reason that you broke up with them, you shouldn't get back together with them. Because if you do, it basically means like, "I will be the one adjusting." Like, "Whatever you did is fine. I'm the one who's going to adjust in this situation." And it does remind me of how every single time they fight, Crowley is the one who's crawling back. And like, I don't know.

C: Well, okay, wait. Let's go through their divorces in order, right? Okay, St. James's Park. Crowley shows up to save Aziraphale. I wouldn't call that crawling back, right? Like that one's not. Would you call that one crawling back? What would you characterize the first one, the Crowley coming back during 1941?

G: I wouldn't call it crawling back, but it's very much a "We're putting it past us," and the thing is, if Aziraphale did the quote "crawling back," to ask for Crowley's forgiveness, it meant giving him the holy water, right?

C: Which he did.

G: He did later. But like, here, in the 1941 scene, the implication is that, "Okay. You won't get me the holy water. Fine. It's all right." So that one. Second divorce, bandstand, right?

C: Yeah. [laughs] Crowley crawls back so hard after that one, yes.

G: So hard and so raw. Even says, "Whatever it is I said, I apologize."

C: "I didn't mean it" also.

G: And then the third one is leaves after the apology and then comes back to Aziraphale's bookshop.

C: That's not a crawling back, though.

G: In that one, he goes, "I'm going to Alpha Centauri. Come with me." And Aziraphale says no. And like, Crowley doesn't go. And I do think that is like, a concession to Aziraphale’s side, right?

C: But Crowley was never gonna go.

G: Yeah, exactly.

C: But it's not a crawling back if it was already in place. And wouldn't-

G: Okay, forget the crawling back. The crawling back is not the point. The point is adjusting.

C: But okay, Aziraphale tells Crowley that he knows where the boy is after that breakup. Isn't that a concession?

G: After! But it's Crowley who, like, runs back to the bookshop.

C: Because Aziraphale said that he knew where the boy was.

G: Oh, I completely forgot about that!

C: Yeah, I mean, this is Aziraphale going back again- like, during the bandstand, he's like, "Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you because we're enemies." Like, the act of telling Crowley is like-

G: [laughs] I completely misunderstood that scene.

C: - "We're back on each other's side. Come over." Isn't it?

G: Yeah, I suppose so, [both laugh] now that I think about it.

C: Like, it does get glossed over a bit, because a lot of it's just like, "Oh, holy water! Oh, Hastur! Oh, like, telephone line."

G: I for real- yeah. Yeah.

C: But like, that is a thing. You had a whole thing about Aziraphale and faith and deciding to put it in Crowley and then call her. Like, Aziraphale is taking back the explicit, like, "We're not friends, and I wouldn't tell you because we're not friends and not on the same side."

G: But who concedes? Who concedes? Who concedes in that situation? Because the ask is "run away with me," and the answer is still no.

C: Yes. But I mean, before the "run away with me" ask, the ask was, "work with me to help save the world," and Aziraphale's like, "It's the great plan." Isn't the ask more of like, "Work with me and help me save the world. And then, if that doesn't happen, run away with me."

G: Okay, yeah, you're right.

C: Yeah! [laughs] Sorry. That was bitchier than I wanted it to sound. [both laugh]

G: [laughing] No it's not. It's fine.

C: Yeah, I don't know. I just have- I have an investment in Aziraphale- Like, Aziraphale, it's harder for Aziraphale, and I think that Crowley is getting more- Crowley is a more sympathetic character, I think, because the ways in which he is hurt are like-

G: In the TV show, yeah.

C: - very obvious and relatable to us, but like, Aziraphale's going through pretty much the exact same shit at all times, and that sometimes, Aziraphale does concede. I'd say that the show does do its work to be like, "And Crowley so sopping wet and pathetic and Aziraphale's so so mean to him," though. Like, I get the impression that people have 'cause Neil Gaiman was like, "I'm gonna make my self-insert the blorboiest blorbo you've ever seen."

G: I mean, to be clear. To be perfectly, perfectly clear, I completely agree with you. Like, Aziraphale is going through shit, etc etc. And like, it's just we don't get as much from his side. So like, I think it's harder to-

C: To sympathize?

G: Not sympathize. I completely understand him. [C laughs] Whatever souls are made of [both laughing], his and I are exactly the same. No, but like, it's harder to like, talk about in this way. Because, like, you know, with Crowley, we're able to be like, "Oh, but what does Crowley think?" With Aziraphale, it's a bit more difficult because we're given less. Remember, like- what is it? A couple episodes ago, I went on this tangent where I talked about Aziraphale and Crowley, and like, willingness to experience love and blah blah blah.

C: Oh, the Giovanni's Room conversation.

G: Yeah. The Giovanni's Room one. And like, immediately, I think, like, a day after we recorded that, I was like, "I think I was so mean to Aziraphale! I didn't even explain properly that, like, Aziraphale is like, also suffering!" And the thing is, he is, though. He is, though, you guys.

C: Yeah. It's harder to be an Aziraphale understander in this economy.

G: So the proper apology is a dance. The "I was wrong" dance. And Aziraphale claims that he did it in-

C: 1650, 1793, and 1941. Now we didn't see them in 1650. We did see them in 1793 and 1941. What did Aziraphale have to apologize for with those?

G: Like, getting into trouble?

C: That's weird! [laughs] Isn't that so weird to do?

G: No, because the apology is not an apology.

C: It's also not an apology, yes, it's not- But, okay, like, it's a really strange dynamic here. 'Cause like, it's like, Crowley says, "I don't do the dance" before this happened. Like, this whole negotiation thing. Like, who came up with this? Supposedly Crowley, if he doesn't do it but Aziraphale does.

G: Yeah. I don't think Aziraphale volunteered, like- [laughs]

C: What is this? [both laughing] Like, it's also the way that Aziraphale looks at Crowley like a giant pervert the whole time. [G laughs] Like, at the end of it, especially, like, what fucked up thing is this dance? Like, I just cannot imagine a situation where Crowley's like, "Oh, you got in trouble, and I had to rescue you? Do a dance about it. Like, I'm gonna sit here and cross my arms and you have to do a dance about it." Like, huh? [Glaughing] Who agreed to that? Presumably Aziraphale. Why? Why did Crowley come up with it? I just don't get it. I don't get how this dance could have ever come into being.

G: No also, but like, the fact that they're supposed to be apologizing.

C: Yeah, it's not.

G: But it's not. Not a single "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" is uttered in that fucking song.

C: Yeah, no. [laughing]

G: It goes, "I was wrong."

C: It starts, "You were right, you were right, I was wrong, you were right." [G laughs] What? They're so fucked in the head.

G: They're so weird!

C: It's so weird! There can never be a flashback scene of the origin of this dance because there is no believable way that it ever could have happened. Like, the only reason I'm letting it play out on my screen right now is that they claim they've had it for hundreds of years, but like, no, they didn't, 'cause it never would have happened. Also, yeah, what happened in 1793 and 1941. Like, what did Aziraphale have to apologize- like, what is the purpose of it? Like, humiliation? Like, that doesn't seem right. But, like, what else could it be? This does feel like some kind of weird BDSM thing.

G: It may as well be.

C: What is this? Like, okay, if I wanna like, really immerse myself in the canon and be like, "Okay, this is real. And this is like, Good Omens, and like, this is how Neil Gaiman writes it." I guess, like, the charitable reading of this is that they just came up with this as like a "Aziraphale can't say thank you, but he can say sorry." But also, he didn't do anything wrong, so he's not gonna say sorry; he's just gonna say this thing. And the dance is just a way to make it like, light-hearted so that they can be like, "What a silly, stupid thing we just did," and then move on. And it probably helps lighten the mood if it's like, a genuine apology, too, 'cause it's like, "Well, we did the ritual, so now we don't have to talk about it again, and if we think about it, we'll just think about how you did a fun curtsy, so it'll be like, 'Why are we even thinking about it?'" Like, sure. Fine. I can see the purpose that it like, plays. But also like, they would not fucking do this.

G: I don't think they wouldn't do it. It's just incredibly odd. [laughs]

C: Aziraphale is such a fucking pervert about it. [G laughs] After he, like, wheedles Crowley into doing it, right? He takes off his glasses and stands up with his hands clasped in front of himself, watching, with his head tilted slightly up, right? And when it ends, Aziraphale just looks at Crowley, like, steely-eyed, like, not moving, and then just says, "Very nice." But like, I can't do the voice. But it is like- this is some kind of- this is some weird BDSM thing, you guys! That is the voice being used. What is he doing? What's happening here?

G: And so now they're back to plot. [laughs] After a really weird segue, we're back to the plot. And they decide that what they need to do is perform a little miracle to protect Gabriel.  It' just they each do half a miracle so that, you know, it won't be powerful at all.

C: Yeah, Aziraphale will hide him from Hell, and Crowley will hide him from Heaven. Yeah. Aziraphale said, "I think Heaven would notice if I was to perform even a very minor miracle." And we don't actually see him- Do we see him do a miracle this episode? I feel like we don't.

G: No, absolutely not. Crowley, too.

C: Crowley? No, Crowley does the driving shit. Snaps the traffic lights.

G: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

C: But like, yeah, Aziraphale's the one who's like, "Heaven would notice if I performed even a minor miracle." So it's- has Aziraphale spent these last four years just living like, fully like, power- not even using his powers?

G: People? Like, human? Yeah. Probably.

C: Yeah. Man.

G: Where's he getting the money?

C: Yeah. Like, does he have to sell his books now? He could just ask Crowley to just miracle money for him, I guess. [G laughing]

G: No, that's funny as hell. And probably true!

C: Sugar daddy AU where they haven't even tried penetration and also there's none of that dynamic in any way whatsoever. And he's doing- he seems fine with that, I guess. He seems to be enjoying himself. Crowley is the one who's depressed to hell and back. Huh. I feel like I didn't really notice this my earlier watches, and I have always- one of the reasons I've disliked the "they turn human" AUs is that, like, I feel like I was like, "Aziraphale is not gonna be able to cope with like, not be able to get a reservation at the Ritz every single time he goes." But like, maybe he would be able to cope. But Crowley can't.

G: So they sit Gabriel down in a chair, and it's like, they're both holding one hand each, and it is very much a case of like, "Oh, it's supposed to be an Adam parallel," I think. So, you know, they performed a miracle, and they both comment on, "Oh, like, it's so little! Nobody's gonna notice a thing!" And then there's a bit where Gabriel's like, "Wow, I have two friends now." Crowley is like, "You are not our friend," and you know.

C: He goes, "I am not your friend." He doesn't speak for Aziraphale there. 

G: Yeah. And then, you know, they're like, "Wow! This miracle we did was so good and so unnoticeable." Cut to Heaven. Alarm blaring. And it's like, you know, the typical, like, red light going in and out. And then apparently, this happens when something is afoot. And then they go to the Earth globe in the middle of Heaven, zoom in, zoom in, zoom in. There is just this glaring- is it purple? Purple beam fucking beaming out of Soho, beaming out of Aziraphale's bookshop.

C: Yep. And then it's the outro theme music, and it starts as a choral rendition of the regular theme, and then it turns into "Everyday" by Buddy Holly.

-

C: Alright. Well, we've talked words.

G: Sure did.

C: Grey. [laughs] What'd you think about this episode?

G: It's- you know, it's less than fine. I love to say "It's fine" about things. [C laughs] But I think this is a little bit less than that.

C: Yeah.

G: You?

C: It's fine. I'm annoyed at the Maggie/Nina things, and I feel like a lot of my frustration is the stuff that I noticed that I don't like and then I also know that it doesn't get changed within the season. So yeah. I think if I was watching this without knowing the rest, I'd be like, "Mm. Kind of an unsteady opening, but some fun moments. Looking forward to seeing what they're gonna do next!" But now I'm not looking forward to seeing what they're gonna do next.

G: Yeah. I feel like- you know how last season, I kept on saying, "It's a good thing that I'm watching this week-by-week." I think it's a bad thing that I'm watching this season week-by-week. Like, let's just get it over with. Like, I am curious as to what happens, 'cause it is still Aziraphale and Crowley, you know, but let's get it over with. [laughs] Okay, Best Line/Worst Line.

C: I haven't thought of one yet, wait.

G: You know what's fascinating is like, last episode- last season, we didn't do a Best Line/Worst Line because it was a bit difficult to do, because most of the lines are okay, and like, lots of good lines in a single episode. Very packed, you know. This one, [laughs] we can do a Best Line/Worst Line because [laughs] the best lines are few and far in between, [C laughs] and the worst lines are sure there. For me, my best line is what I said earlier. The- after Aziraphale says, "You're at liberty to go," Crowley's reply of, "To go? This is how you want to do it?" Really fucking got to me.

C: Yeah. I mean, I'm very fond of "Most of it won't even be visible from 'Earth'!" which is not particularly deep best line, but it also is to me because it's like, you don't even know yet. You don't even know yet.

G: For me, my worst line is the frozen peas joke. So corny.

C: Yeah, I mean, it was an attempt to recreate the magic of "Ducks! That’s what water slides off of." But you will never be "Ducks! That's what water slides off."

G: But that's different. Because the wonderful thing about "Ducks!" is that Crowley genuinely forgot, and then, like, you know, remembers.

C: Yeah, this one is not telling her.

G: And this one "I'm evading the conversation." So it's a different feel.

C: Yeah. I think my worst line- this is probably not like, the worst line, but the first moment of like, incredible annoyance I felt is when Maggie and Nina are discussing what the Gabriel situation is, and Maggie goes, "Maybe it's a new delivery service. A stripperdeliverogram." And then Nina goes, "You just made that up." and Maggie goes, "Yeah," and they laugh. Like, huh? Like, yeah, she just made it up. Like, what is- It's just such a pointed way of like, forcing them to be like, "Oh, they think the other person is funny," but like it's like, not funnay, and also like, why would you respond with "You just made that up." Like, everyone needs to talk exactly like me, and that means that the only response to that is either saying "So true" or repeating her sentence to get cut out in Audacity later when it's uploaded to Anchor. [both laughing] I don't think you understand how dialogue works, Neil Gaiman.

G: What's our next portion?

C: Gayest/transest.

G: I don't even remember a single moment in this episode. [C laughs] We are so back. We are so back, like, BABPod-

C: To BABPod levels of caring?

G: Yeah. [both laughing] We are so back.

C: Is this a back or a crover? [G laughing] I really have hope for next episode. I really do. But we'll see. I don't wanna hype you up too much because I don't think it's that good. I just have hope that there will be parts of it that you like. Okay. Gayest- gayest moment. I liked when Crowley talked about the three reasons that Aziraphale has for calling her, and how she can tell the different tones of voice. I think that's a nice moment. And I think that taking the sunglasses off and putting them on the horse was also gay.

G: This is not a gay moment. I just- I think it's nice that Cro- okay, this is completely unrelated to what we're talking about. I don't want this to be portrayed like, I'm saying it's a gay moment. I'm just scrolling through our podcast guide [laughs], and I noticed it and I want to point it out. I think it's nice that Crowley, like, when he was mad, was like, "I'm going to count to 10," and like, even though they failed, like, I think it's nice.

C: Yeah, it is nice. I mean, Aziraphale did invent being the first ever gay person when he showed up and saw Crowley.

G: [laughs] For real.

C: Okay. Transest moment. I have two. First one, Aziraphale saying that he likes the pinky-blue bit in the corner. So true. Trans pride win.

G: Trans rights, yeah.

C: Second one, I think when- [laughing] I think Beelzebub switching an actor is trans, even though the switching didn't happen transgenderly. Like, I liked when Crowley was like, "Oh, is that a new face?" and like, Beelzebub's like, "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for ages." Like, that's fun. That's fun. I'm happy for zem.

G: Yeah. Yeah! [laughs] I'm not even gonna say anything. [C laughs]

C: Great. Love it. Alright. Grey, predictions for next episode? Why do you think I think you'll like it?

G: [sighs] I know that there are minisodes. Maybe there's a good minisode next episode?

C: Maybe there is.

G: I don't know. Every time you talk about the main plot of Season 2, you're always like, [frat bro voice] "It sucks."

C: [laughing] It does!

G: But the thing is, whenever you talk about the minisodes- well, the one time you talked about the minisodes, you also said they sucked. [both laugh] So I'm not sure. I don't know. They're probably gonna be hunted down. Well, don't answer this, but I am curious when the  Gabriel/Beelzebub reveal happens and how and, you know, like, what does it mean? How does it affect- Also, I'm curious why there needs to be a setting-Nina-and-Maggie-up situation. I think maybe they're gonna set that up next episode. Because the next episode is called- what's it called? "The Case"?

C: "The Clue." It's called "The Clue."

G: "The Clue." I don't know. Probably gonna get a fucking clue. [laughing] That's my prediction.

C: Perhaps so. Alright.

G: I've been saying that we're so back, and we are. [C laughs]

C: Oh, God, we literally- we like, did this partly because we were like, we were divorced from BABPod, and this was like, to rekindle our love for Supernatural, and yeah, no, I mean, I did end Season 2 saying out loud to Danica multiple times on the phone, "Supernatural's better than this." So you know what? Maybe we'll be so back when we return to BABPod.

G: I mean, after I finished episode 1, the first thing I told you, [C laughs] "Let's go back to Supernatural." [both laughing]

C: I'm so sorry for like, fans of Good Omens who liked Season 2 who are like, "Oh my god! Like, they're so passionate about Season 1. Like, that's so fun. Like, I look forward to seeing them bring that to Season 2-" Sorry. Sorry.   G: Sowwy.

C: We complained a lot in Episodes 5 and 6, though, so like, there was buildup, there was foreshadowing, things Neil Gaiman has never learned to do in his life in Season 2. [G laughs] So, you know. Sorry, guys. I am sorry. Please keep talking to us. I won't be mean if you're like, enthusiastic about this season in our inbox. I'm not gonna like, shoot you down, or whatever. But yeah.

G: No, like, it is fun to hear what other people liked about- 'cause, you know, we all take different things from it.

C: Well, that is it for this week’s episode of Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Next time, we will be talking about Season 2, Episode 2: “Chapter 2: The Clue featuring the minisode A Companion to Owls.” Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

G: Huh. Companion to owls. Why does it not say that title in the-

C: The whole episode is still called "The Clue," but they have separate names for the minisodes.

G: Okay. Episode 2 is "Companion to Owls," Episode 3 is "The Resurrectionists." Which is, isn't that the name of the fucking-

C: Pub?

G: Yeah, from the matchbox. "Nazi Zombie Flesheaters" in Episode 4.

C: Yeah.

G: Oh, Episode 5 is called "The Ball." I'm assuming this is the one where that they're dancing-

C: Ugh.

G: - or playing basketball. [C laughing] One or the other.

C: Yeah, probably that one.

G: Oh, yeah, we interact through our social medias at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com, and you can email us at bustyasianbeautiespod@gmail.com. Again, thank you so much for all of your interactions. It is really wonderful, even if we are haters now.

C: And if no one asked Grey for his lesbian Aziraphale and Crowley fic recs yet, then you should probably ask Grey for his lesbian Aziraphale and Crowley fic recs.

G: Yeah. Yeah, or scroll through our Tumblr and find that I already said it because Crystal has already asked it. Hell, yeah!

C: Yeah. Hell, yeah. Thanks to everyone who's donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod. See you guys next time! Bye!

G: Buh-bye!

[Garageband "Everyday" plays]

-

[beep]

G: And I mean, that's fun in and on of it- [enunciating] in and of itse- What the fuck is that phrase? [C laughs] In and of its- What?

C: In and of itself?

G: In and off?

C: Yeah. In and of-

G: It's in an- [laughs] Oh, okay.

C: - of itself. [G laughing]

G: What a stupid fucking sentence! Well, anyway- yeah. That's my point. I don't- I don't even know what I was saying prior.

C: Well, so true, whatever you said. [G laughs]

[beep]

G: Wait, I have to read the summary! Wait, that's- I don't think that's what happens. Well, anyway. [both laughing] I don't know if this is- Okay, our synopsis for this episode is, "Cr-OW-" Our synopsis for this episode is [C laughing] "Crowley becomes-" [laughing] Shut the fuck up! [both laughing]

C: Wow! After six episodes! But yeah, continue. [G laughing]

G: At least I repeated myself! Other times, I didn't even notice I was doing it. Well.

C: True true true. You are Aziraphale in Rome and not Aziraphale in Wessex.

G: Exactly. So, the synopsis for this episode is "Crowley becomes a heavenly bee and learns-" [laughing]

C: Wait. No, no! That is the sixth one. What? No! Where are you? Go away. Don't be on that page. What?

G: I'm on "The Arrival!" I'm in "The Arrival"! [C laughing]

C: [laughing] We’re so bad at podcasting! Okay. [G laughing] Did you find the right one?

G: [laughing] This is what the- This is what the- This isn't the right synopsis! [laughing] God!

C: How many spoilers did you just r-? Oh, wait, no. Oh, yeah. Oh my god, yeah, no, it's wrong on here. Okay. I'm just gonna read the Amazon Prime one. [G laughing] Okay, yeah. That's the plan. 

[beep]

G: So horrible. I was the teacher's pet in that when there was like, a misbehaving student in class, and they're like being- they have like, detention, so they have to stay behind for lunch, they'll make me stay with the student! [laughing]

C: Noo! [laughing] What a horrible system!

G: So like, [laughing] I'll watch the kid! Isn't that so horrible?

C: So the teacher can just run off to lunch.

G: [laughing] I was also in fucking detention! Yeah, basically. And they tell it to me like, "Well, because, you know, this is a troublesome student. Like, we need to like, keep an eye on them," or whatever. So it's my job to do that. I didn't go down lunch for a fucking month one time! So horrible. [laughing]

[beep]

G: Who made this podcast summary? We're meeting Maggie, dude.

C: What? Oh, did I say Nina?

G: Yeah.

C: Oh. Sorry. Yeah.

G: Slay. [laughing] I can’t believe I said, “Who made this podcast summary?” [C laughing]-

C: Who told that jurnalist?

G: - knowing full well I didn't and you're the only person that's do- [C laughing]

C: So I think I definitely got their names mixed up in my notes a lot, too.

G: You know what? That's fair. I mix up Aziraphale and Crowley a lot.

C: Yeah, yeah. That’s valid.

G: I always delete it happens in the podcast, but sometimes I can’t, so there are just moments in the podcast where I say Crowley and I'm just fully talking about Aziraphale.

[beep]

G: Whenever people ask me about my name, like, "Where's it come from?" I say it's short for something. And then- [laughing] Never mind. I don't wanna say this story.

C: Yeah. It's short for Gregory House. [G laughing]

G: I do say that. I do solemnly say that. And then, like, they go through like, the five stages of grief or something, and I feel like in their head, they're like, "Am I allowed to make fun of this person? Or is that transphobic?" [C laughs] And, you know. It's fun.

C: Yeah. Yeah.

G: Grey's short for Gregory fucking House. [both laughing]

[beep]

G: This episode, like, made me so miserable, because I have a very optimistic view of romance. A friend of mine once told me, “God, Grey, you’re such a hopeless romantic!” And I went, “I disagree with that phrase. I don't think I'm hopeless. I think I'm very hopeful.” And he goes, “Yeah, and that's what makes you so hopeless. It's because you want it to work so bad, and you're so hopeful.” And like, when this- after I watched this episode, and like, this scene specifically, I'm so vividly reminded by that conversation and also the fact that, like, by the end of Season 1, I was just so convinced that it's going to work out. Like, they're going to be okay, you guys. And like, I knew for a fact that they're going to divorce by the end of Season 2, but I still like- After our recording, right? You asked me, "What do you think is the relationship going to be?" And I was like, "I don't know. Probably gonna need some more. I think it will be kind of like, a 'Before the events of the season, which will evidently turn their relationship sour towards the end,' it's like, a good thing that they have going." Obviously, that's not the case. I don't know. It's like, a little bit a slap in the face to see this and be like, “Oh, yeah, that is how it works. It's how it have worked for me before, and it's how it has worked for them. And no matter how optimistic I am about these things, the reality of the situation is, most people do experience romance in this way, or at least have experienced it in this way at some point.” And [laughs] I legitimately was having like, an existential crisis after this episode. Because of this. Like, I mean, not to be whatever whatever, but like, my optimism for romance is so out of place, given my history with it. But like, I always just like, "You know, that's in the past. But moving forward, I'll be better. I'll meet better people," blah blah blah. And like, I don't know. Seeing this is like, "Oh, maybe it really is just like that." Like, what if it's just horrible all the time? [laughing]

C: Oh, boy.

G: So that's fun.

C: I mean, I don't have a counterargument for that, so, I guess it is.

[beep]

G: What pronouns are we sticking with for Beelzebub?

C: I mean, I don't- I stick to the ze ones out of like, hatred for Neil Gaiman, mostly.

G: Sure. Let's hate on Neil Gaiman so bad it's unreal. But also, neopronouns are fun! And I think, you know. It's just, this is like a- not sensitive, but like, it's an annoying topic for me, because every cis person in my life, like, just at some point in their life, decide that this is a topic they want to bring up to me.

C: No, exactly!

G: It's like, shut the fuck up! [both laugh]

C: Like, every cis person in your life learns that you're trans-

G: [laughing] I'm so, so- I know I have friends who listen to this episode-

C: Wait, you do? That's fun.

G: And they were like, "What do you think of neopronouns?" [C laughs] And it's like, "I think it's fine. I think it's great." And then, they would do this thing where it's like-

C: Yeah. Like, "What's the deal?" Like, it's wonderful and everyone should use them? Like, next?

G: The worst part is when they start doing the whole, "My god, it's just- Normal trans people just want to live their lives [C screams], and like, look at you! Like, you use-" 'Cause I use he/him exclusively, and like, there was a time where I used he/they, but like, I didn't like it, so I stick with he/him, right? So they're like, “Look at you! Like, you stick with one pronoun, [C laughing] blah blah blah, and like, you're a good trans person! And like, you look masculine, and you look the-" And I'm like, "I hope we all die. [C laughing] Thanks, Will Wood." And it's so- it's so unbearable.

C: Yeah, yeah. No. I feel like every cis person I've talked to has gotten into the like, "And some people use it?" like, part of the conversation, and it's like, I just- [both] Shut up! Who give a shit?

G: Yeah. It's so annoying.

C: Yeah, so in canon, I think Crowley refers to Beelzebub using they ones, so we can mix it up between the two if we want.

G: Who?

C: Crowley refers to Beelzebub using they/them pronouns one time, so we can mix it up if we like.

G: Alright.

[beep]

G: [singing absently] Dining at the Ritz, we’ll meet at 9, precisely. Just take me back to yours, that will be fine. Ooh. Ooh, lover boy.

[beep]

G: Chemistry is fake, you guys, the only people who ever have chemistry ever is like the person who played Aladdin and Jasmine in the [both laughing] live action Aladdin movie. No, that shit is crazy. You guys need to watch that. Like, they have insane chemistry.

C: [laughing] Really? [G laughs] Okay. I mean, I probably won't watch it. I might wa- if you send me a clip, I'll watch it.

G: Okay. I'll send you clips later. Don't worry about it.

C: Okay. I think that all of the friendships on Elementary have very strong friendship/queerplatonic energy. Everyone, watch Elementary. I'm getting back into it. [G laughs] But yeah. Also, if, like, the host of the podcast LMNOP, which has been on break since last October [G laughs] ever wants to pick up again, this is my audition. Please let me be co-host.

G: Slay.

C: Anyway.

[beep]

G: What's the website that you check?

C: Tunefind?

G: You, specifically? Tunefind. [laughs]

C: "You, specifically."

G: What's the song? Good Omens.

C: Did you say, "What's the song? Good Omens"?

G: [laughing] I literally asked-

[beep]

G: [singing absently] Every day, it’s a gettin’ closer, [both] going faster than- Oh, we have a new theme! I don’t know why I’m bringing that up now.

C: Oh, yeah. I mean, they already heard it. [G laughs]

G: I mean, maybe I'm putting this at the end, in which case they have heard it twice.

C: Hell yeah! Okay.

[beep]

C: And you know what? My main takeaway from this is that Crowley needs to be a Twitch streamer. It's so important.

G: You know what? Why not? What game?

C: Oh. I don't know. The only video game I've played is Disco Elysium, basically. So, um, Hades?

G: Nah.

C: What do you think Crowley would play?

G: Why are you asking me like I know anything about gaming? C:  Why'd you ask me when I don't know anything about gaming? [G laughs]

G: You know, there are people who like, Twitch stream - or like, stream, I guess. I watch them on YouTube Live - that aren't like, you know, games. I watch a lot of streamers who like, knit on stream, and they just knit and talk, and like, they have different camera angles to show like, their face, and then, like, the knitting in detail. I like it. It's fun.

C: Yeah. Would Crowley be a knitting streamer?

G: Do you think Crowley would knit? You know this is very important to me. [laughs]

C: Yeah, it is important to you. Yeah. Crowley is an engineer, Crowley liked making the stars. I think that this is a small-scale way of doing a similar thing. I think Crowley would come up with a lot of patterns.

G: You know what? I don't think Crowley would knit. I think Crowley would crochet. Like, I think Crowley specifically would be like, the person who's like, “Crocheting is better than knitting, [C laughs] and if you think knitting is better than crocheting, you're an elitist.” And you know what? It well may be.

C: Well, Grey, what do you think is better? [G laughing]

G: I like to knit more.

C: Woww.

G: Hell yeah! Apologies, Crowley.

C: I mean, I think that in some ways, crocheting is more versatile. My sister’s made a lot of crocheted stuffed animals, 'cause, you know, you just do the circles for heads and shit.

G: Oh, yeah. Yeah, crocheting is, like, what you can make with knitting like, the structure, everything that you can knit, you can crochet, but not everything you can crochet, you can knit, so.

C: Yeah. Crowley had the right idea.

G: But it's a different, you know, it's a different type of fabric that gets- that's the result of it. I tend to like the fabric of knitting better. Hell yeah! I'm a clothesmaker, that's why. Like, if I was a toymaker, I would definitely be crocheting more.

[beep]

G: [laughing] God, maybe all those fucking Nanny Ashtoreth fics were right after all? [C laughing]

C: Oh, yeah, okay, I guess to explain- [G laughing] Every Nanny Ashtoreth fic on AO3 is just about her spanking Aziraphale. I personally have a problem with that, for like, I mean, the transmisogyny reasons, and also like, mostly just because it's like, Crowley just dressed up as evil Mary Poppins. Like, that was the outfit inspiration. Like, that's cute. That's fun. All we see of Nanny Ashtoreth is like, her being like, singing Warlock a lullaby to go to sleep, and like, generally just being like a-

G: Yeah!

C: It's nice. Like, she's nice-ish. Whatever. Go focus on that instead. But yeah, [laughing] this feels like this weird fucking-

G: There are some fics in the tag that are nice.

C: There are some fics in the tag that are nice, yes. Though, yeah.

G: Also, it's so funny to me that you went to explain this to everyone and God when I said I was fully intending to delete it in the edit, but okay.

C: Oh my god. [laughs] Wait. [both laughing] You can put it at the end, maybe. Or you can just delete it. Who cares? But anyway-

[cherryasagiri]

The Homicidal Herons

pairing: Gale x Tav

wc: 2,782

synopsis: What happens when you take characters from Baldur's Gate 3 and put them in a modern setting as a successful band? A whole lot of fuckery and hijinx. Join Karlach, Astarion, Gale, Zevlor, and Tav as they navigate stardom, come to terms with past traumas, and try to kick current addictions.

warnings: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Drug Abuse, Drugged Sex, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Drug Use, Grooming, Master/Slave, Mental Health Issues, Mental Breakdown, Drunk Sex, transphobia

a/n: So I was supposed to be updating other fics I had been writing, but BG3 came out, and I have been waiting years to play the game as a finished project. When Larian said something in a tweet about what we would name our bard band, my brain wouldn't stop working, and my fingers wouldn't stop typing, so the first chapter is pretty long! Sorry, haha. I hope everyone will enjoy the jumbled mess I created! Defos not beta'd cuz I am lazy.

Oh, and before I forget, this fic will get extremely dark, and I will leave a trigger warning in the notes at the beginning of the chapter, so don't worry! This is also being cross-posted on AO3 and probably Wattpad.

“How about The Pussy Poppers?” Tav asked, writing the name down on the whiteboard display before being immediately struck through by his bandmate. “Absolutely not, Tav; we can’t have a name like that,” Gale responded, shaking his head in routine disapproval before writing down his suggestion. “What about Waterdeep’s Finest?” “That only would make sense to you, pal,” Karlach sighed. She didn’t look at either party that recommended a name for their band, opting out to playing with her black expo marker. “Do we really need to come up with a name right now? We need to practice and write new songs. Who cares what our name is,” she explained, tired of wasting precious time bickering over a silly band name when they could be going buck wild on their instruments right about now while coming up with something hard to perform.

“Oh, but darling, a good band name will take you a long way, especially with our talents of course. Would you rather have our adoring fans calling us by some putrid name those two idiots came up with, or you could come up with something angelic that rolls off the tongue?” Astarion questions, giving her a sly smirk, not waiting for her to say anything as he continued, “either way, I think I have the perfect name!” He exclaimed, his earlier smirk growing to an amused grin. ‘The Homicidal Herons’” he beamed, eyeing the group trying to gauge their reactions.

Everyone was quiet. The three questioned looked at each other silently, conversing through their eyes. Tav was the first to break the ice with a hearty laugh. The other members watched cautiously because he only laughed like this when there was a sinister thought swimming through his mind so their only response was to stiffen when Tav suddenly stopped laughing and gave them the brightest smile he could muster. “Gods, Astarion, that’s a fucking stupid ass name!” He started, a light chuckle leaving his lips before he continued, “But I fucking love it.”

That was three years ago, and things changed for them over the years. Old routines are broken to accommodate their ever-growing, fast-paced lifestyle, habits that have gotten out of hand, and the accumulated tension between the lead singer and their base player. But first, let me introduce the band.

Karlach was their ever-loving drummer. The sweetheart of the group lives in positivity but can be truly reckless and emotionally distant when it shows that morally right things aren’t as they should be. She’s usually breaking up the arguments between Gale and Tav when he decides to go on a reckless bender and is usually the one who can hype up the crowd better than anyone else in the band. She hates seeing Tav like this, but what can she do when Tav doesn’t want to listen to anyone? Gale is their very calm and collected base player. He’s the most sane of the group that has to make sure that the rest of his friends aren’t getting into too much trouble that’ll eventually fuck up what they had. However, he wasn’t immune to their shenanigans as he is Tav’s loyal drug buddy. They like to binge use and take that time to come up with new songs, think about how the drugs enhance their connection to the weave, and try to come up with new cantrips, only for most of those days to end up with them fucking each other and waking up refreshed. Astarion is the extremely dramatic second guitar. He’s always instigating Tav’s outlandish behavior while feigning ignorance when he gets arrested. He can’t keep his hands off anyone willing to give up their chastity for the night. He has his own demons, which he doesn’t discuss with the rest of the band. They know he’s a vampire and usually feeds off of Tav when he allows; however, there are deeper traumas he has yet to express with the rest of his friends… can he really call them that if he’s keeping them at arm's length? Then we have Tav, their first guitar and lead singer. He is the founder of the band and the one who gets in the most trouble. He tends to get high whenever he feels depressed and hates it when the other members try to get him to understand that his drug use is borderline an addiction. What does he do to combat their complaints? He goes sober for a month before binging heavily, starting the song, and dancing all over again.

The chirping of the local birds outside and the loud calls of the nearby roosters finally stirred the half-sleeping, tired older man awake earlier than he expected. Zevlor slowly sat up on his bed, letting the warmth from his blanket dissipate as it fell from his upper body, letting the early morning chill wake him up. He glanced down at his phone to see the time, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes while he adjusted his sight. There was a reserved sigh that escaped his lips, knowing that the day was going to be stressful. He noticed he woke up at 5:30, thirty minutes before he was supposed to wake up, something unusual but reasonably needed for the day. The Homicidal Herons had a gig that day in a particular city, and Zevlor was already worried about their lead singer traveling there without prior notice. He wanted to tell him, but he knew if he did, Tav would wholeheartedly be against it and would refuse to go along with them to the gig, saying things like “You can find another singer for the night” or “I will kill myself and everyone here before I step foot in that fucking city again Zevlor,” and many more colorful things that Zevlor isn’t too keen on thinking about right now. He knows that he isn't going to tell the male about it but instead is preparing himself to take whatever crap the human was going to give him.

Zevlor was so far down the rabbit hole of his own mind that he didnt notice the male in question had been knocking on his door. So far into his own thoughts, he didnt notice said man sneaking into his bed and under his blanket. So far gone with how he was going to hide their trip that he didn't notice Tav wrapping his arms around the tiefling’s torso as he gently moved his lips closer to Zevlor’s ear before whispering, “Penny for your thoughts, handsome?” he questions, forcing Zevlor to wince from surprise. His heart was beating rapidly from the surprise and close contact he was adjusting to. He was used to Tav's constant flirting and borderline sexual harassment but didn’t mind. He welcomed it honestly but wouldn't let Tav know that. He is technically their band manager, so he wasn't going to overstep his professional boundaries even though it was getting harder and harder. He would be lying if he said he didn’t have a bit of a crush on his client, seeing as how he was able to bring the sad older man out of deep depression when he lost everything that he cared for. Tav didn’t look at him as a lost cause or someone to pity; he genuinely cared about his soon-to-be manager at the time and only wanted to help since he had the means to. That is how he secured the managerial job overseeing an up-and-coming successful band.

Zevlor felt the heat rising from his neck and stretching across both ears; the embarrassment of being caught off guard and having Tav so close to him warmed his entire face. He thanked the Gods for giving him red skin because he wouldn't know what to do if Tav had noticed how hard he was blushing. He cleared his throat, refusing to meet the star-struck gaze he knew the human was giving him, and began his usual speech. “How many times do I have to tell you, Tav, to stop coming into my room without permission?” he growled unintentionally. He wanted to apologize but ultimately gave up and just blamed it on him just waking up. Tav pouted at his tone, which was quickly diminished and replaced with a half-smirk. “Yeah, yeah, I know Zevy, but I kept knocking, and you wouldn’t answer me, and you left the door unlocked, which is not like you, so I just walked in,” he started, eyeing the tired male while he slowly snaked his arms up from his torso to around his neck while pressing his chest against Zevlor’s arm. “I was worried about you because you went to bed last night way more grumpy than usual, so I wanted to see if you were okay because I knew you were going to be up earlier than normal when you get like that.” he finished, the smirk never leaving his lips. At the same time, he lightly blew air into the tiefling’s large ear.

Zevlor glanced at Tav for a split second before sighing heavily. He was annoyed that Tav knew so many little things about him, yet his heart swelled with how much he cared. He couldn't let his feelings get in the way at the moment, so he feigned annoyance and pushed the male away, much to his and their dismay. “I'm fine, Tav. Just leave my room and get everyone ready to leave. We have to make it to the next gig early this time around so we can make sure everything is perfect unless you want to end up like last time,” he spoke, noticing Tav wince at the mention of their last gig. Tav shook his head and sighed lightly, leaving the bed and Zevlor’s room. At the same time, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in before rubbing at his temples. It was going to be a long day.

Once Zevlor was ready and ensured everything was accounted for on the bus, he reluctantly made his way over to Gale. He didnt have a problem with the wizard per se; it was just that he knew the relationship between the two was sexual and toxic for the both of them, and the less time he was around Gale while he smelled like Tav’s perfume, the better. However, this is such a time when he couldn't stray away.

“Gale, has everyone made sure not to tell Tav where we were going, right?” he asked, scouring around the area to ensure the male wasn't around to hear what they were discussing. Gale glanced over at their manager and proceeded to do the same before giving him an answer. “Of course, Astarion didnt care, so we don’t have to worry about him. But I know it will be hard for Karlach to keep her mouth shut because she doesn't like to lie to Tav… and I agree with her sentiments. I hate lying to people, but lying to Tav about this? Isn't this a bit extreme?” he asked, his brows etching together from the stress of keeping this from the man he’s been actively sleeping with, so being around him in such an intimate way while keeping such a secret from him was eating him up. But he knew it was for a good reason and hated it.

Zevlor could see the distress swimming in Gale’s eyes. He wasn't meant to be someone who keeps things from people he cares about, and Zevlor feels a tinge of guilt for making him hide this from their leader. “I know Gale, and I am sorry for making you keep this from him, but I know you understand why,” he began, watching as Gale nodded before egging him to continue. “It would be either this or watch Tav find different ways to get what he wants, and we all know how ugly that can get.” he sighed, Gale shaking his head at the memory, not wanting to live through that again. After a bit of time and everyone was on the bus, their hired driver soon began to drive off to their next destination. Zevlor had made earlier preparations so they could get to their destination without Tav knowing.

First, it was the tour dates where three cities were surprises (two that they told him were real and the other was fake). Second, the bus windows were tinted and had it covered on the inside that, surprisingly, Tav didn’t question. Third, even though Zevlor was against it, Astarion made sure to supply Tav with enough drugs to keep his mind off of their destination and more on getting high. But the thing is, Tav isn’t stupid. He knew that something was up with everyone other than Astarion. Karlach was being a bit distant with him on the bus, Gale couldn’t even look at him when they spoke and kept the conversations to a minimum, and Zevlor was more attentive to his drug use now than at any other time. At first, he was going to ignore it. He mostly chalked it up to first-time jitters at this new venue they hadn't performed at yet and how the crowd would take them. But, after about 10 hours of driving and the tension growing thicker, the lines of coke just tasted bitter on his brain. With one last snort and a nostril cleaning, Tav had enough.

“What the fuck is going on with you guys?” he stood in the middle of the bus where everyone was gathered around and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked around at everyone, trying to gauge their reactions to see if they would give something up nonverbally, but they were solid as a rock.

“What is wrong my dear? Are the drugs fucking with your head? I told that guy not to try me today.” Astarion commented, his scowl apparent with his fangs visible. He seemed concerned and ignorant of what Tav was trying to get at, but he didn’t relent.

“No, you all are just acting fucking weird. What's going on?” he asked with more authority leaking from his words. The gang looked at one another, wondering who would be the one to crack first before Zevlor broke the tension in the air when he spoke up. “It’s nothing Tav. We’re all just tired and a little nervous about performing somewhere new like they always do.” he tried to persuade the accusor, but it seemed like it wasn't working.

Before Tav could respond, the tour bus jerked to a complete stop, which made everyone but Tav let out a sigh of relief. Tav was getting irritated with everyone, but didnt feel like fighting it out with everyone since they just got there; he just wanted to drop his equipment off and head to their hotel to sleep. But before he could set foot outside the double doors, he was stopped by four bombastic voices yelling, “Wait Tav!” and then his suspicions were confirmed. “Okay, so you all lied to me. Nothing unusual, I guess, but why?” his glare was lethal now, and there was no way out of it. Karlach was the first to speak this time.

“Hey bud, listen, we didnt want to say anything before, but you need to calm down, alright? We didn't mean anything malicious behind it, but you gotta trust us, yeah?” she weakly smiled, watching Tav intently. The smaller male looked up at him with his unwavering glare, refusing to speak. Karlach tried to find the words but came up with nothing. She felt defeated and looked over at Gale for a helping hand.

“Listen, Tav, we wanted to talk to you when we arrived and before we got off the bus. It’s about our next gig and–” Gale cut himself off when he noticed Tav turning his back to the wizard and bolted for the door. The group didn't waste a second chasing after him, yelling for him to stay back so they could talk, but it was going in one ear and out of the other. By the time the other wizard was out of the bus, he was taking in his surroundings. They were parked in front of the venue where he first met the man who destroyed his life. The memories flooded as he held back the sob, trying to force itself out of his throat. The rest of the band froze when Tav turned back their way: his shoulders were shaking, his icy glare fixed on all of them, and the tears threatening to escape from his waterline were apparent, and they knew they had fucked up badly.

“Why the fuck would you bring me here.”

[lgcjiho]

━━ lee jiho : cookie run kingdom character

     the only thing jiho had known of this game before hearing they were collabing with it, was seeing the little characters on the bus and on different breads at the convenience store. he remembers they had been pretty popular for a while but he had never really learned of what game mechanics each character had or what one even did in the game. all he knew was some of the characters were pretty cute.

     he had done some research before coming into the meeting with the development team and had mostly what he wanted written down and even a little rough sketch of what he wanted his cookie to look like. it probably was definitely not expected of him but he had wanted to come and be able to tell the team his vision as precisely as possible. 

     “okay, for starters, i think my current hair is pretty good for this, considering it’s dark and short, and it’s probably what most people think of when they think of me. though, i thought it would be fun to have a blonde version of my cookie if there were to be extra outfits or something, since the fans really liked when i went blonde,” he explains quietly, holding up his ipad of the little sketch he had done. it’s not the best, but he had wanted to bring a visual of what he had thought of when he had come up with the idea of his cookie. “i also have a mole under my eye, so if we could add that in, that would be great. i’ve noticed the fans really like it and always include it in fanart, so i think we can’t leave it out.” he nods, looking down at his notes. 

     “and for the base outfit, i want the cookie to be wearing a white beret with cat ears on it and for the mouth to sort of be like, the shape of the number three, like a cat?” he knows he might be going a bit too hard on this cat thing, but he’s heard it so many times from his fans and seen the tweets online that it’s sort of become his ‘thing’ at this point. “i found some existing cookie designs i thought would be good visual references that i wanted, like cream puff cookie’s beret and maybe moon rabbit cookie’s ears?” he pulls up the pictures of those two cookies, placed next to his own little doodle.

     “also, i want him to be wearing a white cardigan with a red heart on it, and black pants. and if the details matter, if he could be wearing black converse and have a silver necklace, that would also be great!” he finishes talking, frowning slightly. “i’d like if he could have round glasses toggled on and off but i don’t know if that’s possible,” he adds, looking a bit sheepish at how many thoughts he had for the outfit but that’s mostly it. 

     when they finish discussing everything, with jiho even doodling a bit more to show them, the meeting ends and he feels amused. he’s not sure how else to feel about being turned into a cookie, but he’s pretty happy they got to have a say in the design.

[themomsandthecity]

This Dad Can't Keep Up With the Family Group Chat, and . . . Honestly, Same

Most of us can relate to having one group chat that we've had to hit the mute button on. Well, for one father, it was his own family's chat. This week, Allison D'Orazio tweeted a screenshot of a text from her dad, Thomas, telling his family that he could no longer handle the "pressure" of responding to every text and photo - and was removing himself from the (never-ending) narrative. "I can't keep up with the pressure of always having to lol or like or heart everyone's random thoughts, pics, and amusements," Thomas wrote, really flexing the 'honesty is the best policy' on his wife and two daughters. "For all future texts: I love them, laugh at them, or like them unless it's bad, then I dislike them," he added. "In perpetuity. I can't live with this pressure. I'm out." More than 420k likes later, to say this was relatable is an understatement. Whether you are the dad in the thread or the sibling who can't stop sharing photos of your dog (guilty), we all have opinions about the overflowing group chat. He really said pic.twitter.com/O6xlczojOX- snakel3t (@snakel3t) January 17, 2023 The 23-year-old told Today that they share the group chat with her mother and 19-year-old sister. "The three of us are very extroverted and send random stuff all day long," D'Orazio said. "He's so kind and engaged with our lives - he's like the perfect human being - and I think it was stressing him out that he can't respond to all the messages." To be fair, "I was sending pictures of every single stitch I was doing on a sewing project," she admits. But don't worry, no feelings were hurt in the process. "When I read it, I burst out laughing. He's hilarious," D'Orazio says. "He's surrounded by a bunch of extroverted girlies always doing something, and he just loves a simple life," she later said in a follow-up tweet. People were quick to share versions of their parents' antigroup chat mentality. "Lmao is this a dad thing? my dad called me to tell me he didn't like group chats," NBC News host Kwani A. Lunis replied. "Dude network burnout is a real thing," commented another user. "Some humans were never meant to have this much contact this quickly with this many people. I blow off easily 3/4ths of the daily messages I get on various platforms because I just can't stay glued to my phone all day every day." So if anyone else needs a way to exit a chat, D'Orazio suggests copying and pasting her dad's message - but feel free "to personalize the template." https://www.popsugar.com/family/dad-family-group-chat-too-much-pressure-49067380?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr