#Themes of mental health are featured as a key theme in my works and in the backstories of my OCs as I am mentally ill myself and want to

[cablestwisted]

HELL YES OP love this

I have done this as yes [yellow], kind of [orange], no [red]!! Explanations in tags as usual

Throwns Smiler Oc bingo card at Alton Towers fandom

[pienhime]

10 female vtubers who are popular with ryousangata and jirai girls!

Two important things to know before you read any further: I am NOT alleging any of these vtubers to be jirai kei. That'd be incredibly inappropriate for me to do, as I don't know any of them well enough to know if they are a part of the jirai kei subculture. I am simply listing vtubers who seem to be the most popular within the ryousanjirai crowd, that is those whose female fanbase seems to have a higher proportion of ryousanjirai girls than most.

The other thing I'd like to get out of the way is that some vtubers on this list are known for using "menhera" as an insult. Sadly, thats grown popular in the vtuber scene and online spaces in japan. For vtuber fans reading this who think that's a weird thing to say, the word "menhera" has been around since 2001 and was the name given to an internet subculture revolving around mental health safe spaces, awareness, and vent art. Even tho it was literally created to help erase the "mental illness makes you dangerous" thing, the stigma took over once the term went mainstream, so its often used to mean "yandere psycho". The subculture still exists if you know where to look, but barely ever uses the name it gave itself anymore because it attracts trolls, edgelords, and fetishists.

One last thing- a few of these girls fit the "loli" archetype, and consider it a part of their appeal, but no minors will be featured on this list.

absolutely zero past-life discussion

I'll do my best to summarize what the vtuber is known for and the reasons i think are likely why their female fanbase has a larger proportion of ryousanjirai girls.

1. Sakamata Chloe (Hololive HoloX)

Given that she recently got a new outfit that looks a lot like a dark girly kei coord, you've probably seen Chloe on your feed recently. Despite her yamikawaii punk-ish look, she's so cute and probably couldn't survive in the wild if she were a real orca. The "pon" is unreal. Her original songs talk about her own inner pain in a way that may be relatable to jirai girls, and she's covered a lot of songs popular with us too (such as Cute Loving and Devil Janai Mon). Between her cutesiness, choice in fashion, and her songs, it's easy to see why she's loved by jirai kei girls.

2. Minato Aqua (Hololive Gen. 2)

You probably know about Aqua if you follow me, since I just posted a link to one of her more recent song covers. It's one about a ryousangata girl falling in love with a host, and knowing his affection is fake but wanting it anyway. She covers a lot of songs about topics that are familiar to ryousan and jirai girls, like kyuukurarin, darling dance, goodbye declaration, and internet overdose to name a few. Her original songs are also hits with the ryousangata crowd, with "aqua iro palette" being the choice of song in so many tiktoks and reels of ryousan wotas showing off their lavish birthday celebrations for their oshis. She's also a cosplayer, frequently wearing maid outfits, making her relatable to a lot of girls who work at concept cafes. She also did a duet with Shion, a cover of "menhera janai mon", which is a song i often see misinterpreted outside of japan because of the need for cultural context on jirai kei, ryousangata, and menhera both as a subculture and insult. Should I do a post explaining the lyrics and overall themes?

3. Makaino Ririmu (Nijisanji Gamers Generation 3)

Listen. If you're in the jirai kei subculture, I guarantee you've seen Ririmu. This girl's fanart is probably on every jirai kei blog known to man. If you don't recognize this model, you'd recognize the maid outfit with bondage elements thats paired with a coat that looks suspiciously like REFLEM's bunny ears coat (the one that took yamikawa lovers by storm a while back). Ririmu's popularity with jirai kei girls isn't just because she likes similar fashions to most of us. Ririmu has been open about her past suffering with agorophobia, suicidal ideation, and being a NEET. She's shared bits and pieces of her recovery with her fans! Of course, she also does yandere bit that might be more than a bit, and covers a lot of songs popular with ryousan and jirai girls, like more kyun, chuupuri, and vampire.

4. Mikeneko (Indie)

Mikeneko isn't new to the scene at all, but has recently come out of a partly mental health related hiatus to a much larger following than before. Mikeneko collects models like they're pokemon cards, going thru four in total now, two of which have been in one year. She wears tons of yamikawa fashions, and plays up her chuunibyou for streams. Aside from her on-and-off NEETdom, Mikeneko is open about a lot of her health issues, including bipolar, and about her medication and trips to the psychiatric hospital. She calls herself menhera, often in the secondary meaning, but she's also rumored to have been a part of the actual subculture for a long time. Her original songs, drop and you&me ring really true for a lot of jirai and menhera girls such as myself.

5. Meloco Kyoran (Nijisanji EN Generation 7)

Meloco is the only vtuber on this list to be a part of an company's EN (english-speaking) branch. She's included on the list because she's also big in japan- because she's japanese. She's almost fluent in english and was accepted for the english branch, but frequently slips into japanese and appeals to her japanese fans. Her outfit is gothic lolita inspired with bondage elements and plenty of edge, to fit her overall spooky exorcist theming. Her creepy-cute nature and cool alternative onee-san demeanor have attracted her many jirai kei fans, and inspired a lot of ryousan girls' oshi nails.

6. Sukoya Kana (Nijisanji Tulip-gumi Unit)

Admittedly, Kana's probably got more menhera (as in the subculture) fans than jirai or ryousan, but she still has enough that I wanted to include her. Her nurse theming isn't just a gimmick, her actual "day job" is as a nurse. As in, when she's not streaming, she works in a hospital as staff after passing her qualifying exams in 2022! She must be super busy! Her morbid interests and fetishes, as well as her medical themed design, have no doubt appealed to many jirai girls too. Besides that, she's covered a lot of songs, including quite a few beloved by landmines such as lavie, nainai girls pride, and godish.

7. Natori Sana (Indie)

Listen, I just know you've seen her figures by now. Every menhera, yamikawaii, and "cutecore" account in the west has at least one of this nurse girl's figures. She's ultra cute, with a sickeningly sweet smile and design. Her lore is interesting- she claims to work at a sanitarium, but has hinted very heavily many times that she is in fact not a nurse, but a patient in denial. Whether this is just lore for fun and appeal or is a dramatized reflection of Sana's own feelings and mental health is up for speculation.

8. La+ (Laplus) Darkness (HoloX)

Remember that disclaimer regarding using menhera derogatorily earlier? Yeah that's 90% because of Laplus's inclusion on the list. It feels like she accuses someone of being menhera (derogatory) like every other VOD. Apart from that, Laplus is a grade A kusogaki, complete with constant angry outburst when things don't go her way. She's a demon whos intelligence was... "sealed away"... sure. Her gothic appearance and explosive personality seem to be what's gained her such a large jirai kei following.

9. Houshou Marine (Hololive Gen. 3)

Dear god. Alright, so you've definitely heard at least two of her songs if you're on japanese jirai kei SNS at all. This cosplaying pirate is so horny that it's literally considered her catchphrase. Her original songs about wanting to be seen as desirable and be... pleasured seem to be especially popular with landmine girls (which is maybe related to how many jirai girls are in a certain profession). She enjoys gothic lolita fashion, girls love/yuri, and enough fetishes to lose track of if you're counting.

10. Shigure Ui (Indie)

Did you really think I could make this list without including hololive star Oozora Subaru's mom and voice of the song that's plaguing japanese social media, ESPECIALLY landmine social media rn? Sure, it's everywhere, but go check every insta kaiwai dedicated to jirai subculture and see how many of their reels have this song. Even though she's just now broken out to this degree of fame, she's been around a while, and is the "mama" (artist) to several other vtubers. She often collabs with hololive members! She loves taboo fiction, which is also especially popular amongst jirai girls.

Last but not least, I want to add three honorable mentions from Hololive that are also popular with ryousanjirai girls. Tokoyami Towa is a super popular choice of cosplay amongst jirai girls specifically. She has a cute-but-cool look, and lots of her outfits definitely have subcultural influences from japanese ゴスパンク (gothic x punk) and general "egirl"-type styles. Murasaki Shion is a very popular choice of profile pic for ryousanjirai girls, and it's easy to see why. Her "kusogaki" appeal and lolita outfits, as well as her "Menhera Janai Mon" duet with Aqua all appeal to that demographic. Finally, last honorable mention is Amane Kanata, purely because of how popular she is with lovers of Tenshi Kaiwai, which has a lot of overlap with the jirai subculture. She basically predicted the trend before the magazine that popularized it even existed. Mizuiro x white cybercore outfits, a nurse cosplay, and angel theming make her a spot-on icon in that scene.

That's it! Now I have to stop procrastinating on the pien kei characters post...

[djamilyaova]

Hello everyone,

For this last week I’d like to present one of my secondary sources, which is a psychological study on Billie Eilish’s music that sheds light on how her songs resonate with the mental health struggles, especially of today’s youth. I’ve really enjoyed reading that one, even if you are not familiar with the artist it easily presents an interesting study of her art but also of psychology.  

The research uses Freudian psychoanalysis to explore the themes, lyrics, and even the visual storytelling of her work. The authors argued that her music goes beyond a personal storytelling to reflect broader social issues like loneliness, alienation or even grief. What’s striking is how these themes are not just relatable but also a massive symbol, representing a collective mental state of many young people today, which was initially part of my final theme

One of the studied theme how her songs often incorporate metaphors for depression. The study examines tracks like 'everything i wanted' and 'idontwannabeyouanymore' and identifies the key symbols of helplessness and internal conflict in general.

 In “everything i wanted,” the artist grapples with feelings of worthlessness and disconnection, despite her huge success, which captures the paradox many young people might feel in a hyper-competitive world. The lyrics “If I could change the way that you see yourself / You wouldn’t wonder why you hear they don’t deserve you” reflect not just a longing for acceptance but also the pressure she undergoes to mask vulnerability. Those songs are an emotional tug-of-war that can be felt both personally and universally, a major theme that the study notices as a marker of her artistic skills.

An even more compelling element is the way the study ties her soundscapes to these emotional narratives, Billie’s sparse arrangements and her whispered vocals that create an atmosphere of a suffocating introspection, erasing the barrier that separated us from the ‘outside’.  The rsearch notes how the minimalist productions evoked the feeling of being trapped within one’s own mind, that can be silent yet overwhelming. Her music (according to the study) isn’t just a reflection of depression; it immerses the listener in its whole experience. This creates cathartic an unsettling space at the same time. Finally, the study argues that this is the reason her music has become an anthem for those navigating the complex and isolated realities of youth in today’s world. And when listening to any kind of song that shares the same psychological features, I’d always wonder if this art was simply reflective, or is was offered as a way to cope, if the artist found a way to embrace chaos through music. Anyway I’m surprisingly not a huge fan of the artist, but I’ve always had a lot of respect for her artistic genius (esp. considering how young she was at the beginning), for her being able to crush my mind with concise and minimalist phrases, and the way she knows how to perfectly sing any word to reach straight into one’s vulnerability

[lux-sunt]

“𝙆𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙠 𝙤𝙛 𝙘𝙚𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙡 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙚.”

— 𝙖 𝙢𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙚 18+ 𝙍𝙋 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙊𝘾𝙨 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙝𝙤𝙣𝙠𝙖𝙞 : 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧 𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙡 , 𝙖𝙛𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 @mors-pulchritudo & @soletluna-frateretsoror

— 𝙛𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 @pangirlpanic!

𝗥𝘂𝗹𝗲𝘀 & 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝘂𝘁!

About :

This is a roleplay and ask blog featuring eleven OCs, the nine siblings of Calliope (the muse of @mors-pulchritudo) and her parents! Here’s some info about them :3 (click on links for images and more details about the OCs)

Alvaro 🐉 & Aurelia 🌋

Isaiah ☀️

Enūma ❄️

Ezra 🌴

Flint 💫

Kumi 🍷

Kyogai 🕯️

Luella 💐

Maeve ⚡️

Titus ☠️

…?

Rules :

1 ~ NSFW and suggestive asks are allowed on this blog, but I ask that you look through my OCs to see who you are and aren’t allowed to ship with. (Hint : there are three) Also, all muses are above the age of eighteen.

2 ~ Communication is key!! If a thread is not working for you, or you want to drop it (given I’m provided a reason), just let me know!

3 ~ I can basically do any type of RP, but I do tend to use a more formally formatted type of RP, though.

4 ~ Because NSFW is allowed on this blog, I ask that minors stay away from this blog. But, feel free to interact with the two other RP blogs linked above!

5 ~ Feel free to ask my muses questions as well as RP with them! Send in starters for any of my muses (within the guidelines) from the prompt tag, they’re always open.

6 ~ This is a multi-ship blog! All of my OCs (the ones you’re allowed to ship with) have no set S/O, and it can change depending upon who they’re being shipped with. But, they are all adults! No child/underage ships are allowed. Platonic relationships are just fine.

Some generic warnings

This blog will contain some sensitive and potentially triggering topics regarding my OCs’ lore. Examples are:

~ Trauma (more than one type)

~ Mental health issues

~ Injury in various degrees

~ Darker themes of mythology (the whole nine yards, basically)

~ Death (in the past/being mentioned)

~ (more may be added!)

Also, I will ask if you don’t vibe with any of these topics before they may come up in an interaction!

Tags (generic) + anons

# ooc ~ afternoon daylight (the mod speaking, or just anything out of RP!)

# rp time ~ celestial visions (for RP threads)

# the skies’ screams (for when I answer asks about the OCs :3)

# singing blossoms (for ic commentary)

# sun’s rays ~ rp promo (it’s what it sounds like lol)

# rp memes - gone surfin’ (for reblogging prompts/RP memes)

# by word of mouth (lore about any of my OCs!)

# lights - camera - action! (for any videos I make with my OCs or other characters :3)

# the gallery ~ precious paintings (for when I post art! WIPs, full pieces, etc.)

All of my OCs will have their personalized tags listed on their info posts!

And, of course, all triggers/content warnings will be tagged accordingly.

Anons

TBA

Like for a starter! (WIP)

Prompts are always open/accepting!

Discord : char_dahlia (in case you would like to contact me by another means instead of tumblr)

Taglist : @drowning-in-cabbages have fun hehe

[nonsenseofyesteryear]

Anime I watched in 2024: Part 11

And the grand Anime Year in Review continues! If you've stuck with me this long, thanks! As a reminder, we are continuing with anime in the order I watched them. To see the other installments, check my 2024 year in review tag.

Anime #51: Shadows House

Another one of my favorites. Manages to give you characters with personality who you get attached to even though they don't have facial features. Also I think the concept and world-building here work really well.

Anime #52: Wind Breaker

How nice of them to give us something to watch while Tokyo Revengers is on hiatus! All jokes aside, this show is fun. The concept doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you think about it too hard, but the key is not to think about it too hard.

Anime #53: Comical Psychosomatic Medicine

So this is a comedic, short-form anime that discusses mental health conditions. I personally liked it, and I'm not aware of any other show that does this.

Anime #54: The Gymnastics Samurai

Wasn't a huge fan of this one. Also I don't understand why they needed the talking bird.

Anime #55: Witch Hunter Robin

I heard a lot of people calling this one a hidden gem, so I had high hopes going in. But I just....didn't fall in love with it the way I was expecting to. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I also found some of the mechanics of the world very confusing, which isn't as forgivable in an anime that's trying to be serious instead of silly. The opening theme is a banger though.

That's all for part 11! On to part 12!

[love-and-meteors]

divider by @cyberangel-graphics

she/her | LGBT+ | married | adult

call me Miyuki or Yuki (my S/I's name)

monogamous shipper (serious/spiritual)

F/O: Sephiroth (married)

source fandom: Final Fantasy VII

I'm the following:

demisexual | demiromantic | fictosexual | fictoromantic | monogamous

child abuse survivor | trauma survivor

self-insert: Fuyama Miyuki

Hashtags I use:

#Art of the One-Winged Angel: A tag dedicated to reblogging artwork featuring Sephiroth, celebrating his character and the artistic interpretations of him across various styles and media.

#F/O Imagine: Imagines about F/Os, particularly Sephiroth, involving different scenarios or situations with them.

#From the Heart of Meteor: A personal tag where I, the account owner, speak directly to my followers / mutuals about general topics unrelated to self-shipping or any specific ship.

#From the Heart of the Stars: A tag for reblogging deeply personal and heartfelt F/O work from others, celebrating the unique and meaningful connections shared between individuals and their F/Os.

#Letters from Sephiroth: This tag is used for posts where Sephiroth writes letters or messages, often from his perspective, as part of the self-shipping experience with me, offering a more personal connection through his words. It's a specific F/O imagine.

#One-Winged Chaos: A tag for chaotic, funny, or absurd Sephiroth moments, whether memes or random shenanigans.

#One-Winged Flame: This tag is used for posts specifically about the ship between Sephiroth and I.

#One-Winged Moments: A tag for gifs or screenshots that focus on key moments showcasing Sephiroth's persona or story.

#Self-Ship Comfort: A catch-all tag for anything related to self-shipping, including posts that may not fall under the other categories. It’s used in all posts about self-shipping and includes content like F/O Imagines or One-Winged Flame.

#Self Insert: A catch-all tag for posts about my self-insert, including their experiences, thoughts, and interactions, similar to how Self-Ship Comfort covers all self-shipping content.

#Tales of the Silver Nine Tail: Posts specifically about Fuyama Miyuki, my self-insert, highlighting their story and character moments.

Please don’t interact if you ship yourself with Sephiroth. This is a SFW blog, so you shouldn't find any NSFW content here. Just love and well wishes to the members of the FF 7 fandom and the self shipping community.

All Shipping and other info are under the cut

My Ships: I am a monogamous shipper, and I do not engage in multi-shipping. I ship only with Sephiroth in a deep, personal, and serious way. For me, a "ship" is more than just a pairing—it's a profound connection, often rooted in complex dynamics and emotional resonance. It doesn’t have to be an ideal relationship or a perfect pairing; rather, it's a narrative tool for exploring themes of love, devotion, and connection, even when those relationships might be difficult, toxic, or complex. I don’t view them as aspirational, but they help me come to terms with trauma and explore my emotions in a meaningful way.

Why Sephiroth: Shipping with Sephiroth is deeply personal to me because his journey of self-discovery and grappling with identity mirrors my own struggles with understanding who I am. His complexities, vulnerabilities, and emotional turmoil resonate with my experiences, allowing me to connect with him on a level that helps me process my own trauma and find healing.

Things that I need to avoid for my mental health:

While I do self-ship with Sephiroth, and I enjoy exploring complex or darker themes in our relationship, there are certain tropes that I specifically avoid due to my own personal experiences and boundaries. I don’t want to engage with themes that are triggering, such as assault, pregnancy, or manipulation, as these are not elements that contribute positively to my personal journey or the way I connect with the characters in my shipping. For me, Sephiroth’s character is not about reinforcing trauma or harmful dynamics, but exploring deep, emotional connection, even in the context of darker themes.

Themes I do not want to be tagged in:

Abusive Relationships: Any portrayal of toxic relationships where manipulation, control, or emotional/physical abuse is normalized or romanticized.

Cheating Tropes: Stories that involve betrayal or infidelity in romantic relationships.

Dead or Absent Parents: Tropes involving the death or abandonment of parents.

Damsel in Distress: Stories where characters are consistently helpless or need saving in every situation.

Fatalistic or "Tragic" Endings: Stories that focus heavily on tragedy or end in ways that might feel hopeless or too painful.

Manipulation for Love: Any narrative where one character manipulates the other into love, or love is forced or coerced in any way.

Miscarriage/Stillbirth: Stories dealing with the loss of a child.

Pregnancy Tropes: Any pregnancy-related tropes, including unplanned pregnancies, pregnancy as a plot device, or "miracle pregnancies."

Rape/Assault Tropes: Depictions or mentions of assault, non-consensual encounters, or abusive situations.

Self-Harm/Self-Mutilation: Any depiction or mention of self-harm or self-mutilation, especially if romanticized or treated as a character's defining trait.

Stockholm Syndrome: Narratives where a victim forms a romantic attachment to their captor, especially if the dynamics are romanticized.

Trauma Porn: Stories that focus on characters' suffering or abuse purely for shock value or to further plot points, without meaningful exploration of the emotional aftermath.

[puzzlegames1234]

Final Evaluation Of Our Project

When researching for the game my team and I would be working on, I knew it would be important to make sure to research games that had both similar themes and interesting, fun mechanics. This led me down the road of looking into many different farming games to see how they handled farming and what gameplay elements they used for their games. You can see me take inspiration from several of them on my blog, such as Red Dead Redemption 2 and Minecraft. At the same time, I needed to look into games that were very different from farming games. I looked into first-person shooters, action games, and even open-world games. This helped me greatly to understand what would make for good gameplay in my team's game. You can see evidence of this on my blog. When researching other games, I really came to understand and realize how important it would be to get the themes of our game across to our player base. I made sure to research many games that shared themes with our game. I researched many games that had themes of depression, isolation, and even loneliness, and I think this research played a key part in shaping our game's themes and making sure we represented mental health in a mature and correct way. I made sure to research my specialist practice in depth. I did this so I could understand everything I would have to do in my role to ensure our team's development stayed on track. By knowing my specialist practice, I was able to constantly contribute to our project in the most effective way. By researching, I was able to find out how to solve both ethical issues with our game and technical ones. By researching, I was able to identify problems with my level design and then fix them.

I found it fun and interesting pitching out game idea. Talking about the games native and level design was my favourite things to talk about.I think its important to talk about specific parts of the game idea that you have come up with and I fand this very fun to do so. After pitching and getting feedback both good and bad about my game pitch I came to realise just how important feed back is. As getting feed back helped me to understand which of my concepts would work and which ones I would have to adopted and change. There were a few ideas and concepts that needed working on but by getting fair feed back I was able to do this to great success. One adjustment I needed to make was to the games story. I needed to make it more clearer that the farmer you play as in this game was suffering from loneliness and isolation I of course did this by adding in a phone that would test the player telling them that whey need to get some help. We also had to change and adapt other things such as the art to make it a litter town for our game and also some gameplay elements such as removing a plank feature all things you can find on my blog. When making our game we made sure to take the menthealth side of our game creation proses very seriously. I did this by doing extensive research into  mental health and the mental health conditions that our game try to batray. I did investgation into how other games showcasue mentehalth in a mature and understanding way. And me and the team also tried to stay cleare menthealth stereotypes.

I found the process of working in a team to be highly effective for getting constructive work done. I believe this was the case because I could focus on designing the game, its story, and its levels, while my teammates could focus on their own areas, such as coding and art. That being said, working in a team can often be difficult as it does require a lot of coordination. However, overall, I thought my team and I managed to work together well.

We used several processes to keep the group organized and effective. I set up a Discord server so my teammates and I could communicate and work together even when we weren't working at the same time on campus. We also used email to frequently send each other parts of the game, such as game art and assets. Our main form of communication and organization was through Google Docs, specifically our meeting minutes. We used meeting minutes to hold a meeting every week so we could stay on track and ensure that everyone knew what others in the team were working on.

We faced few issues as a group, other than development problems, which we all worked together to fix and solve. Aside from that, we had minor disagreements regarding certain aspects of the game, but we were able to come to a conclusion by discussing them together as a team.

I enjoyed working in a group because I feel it gave me valuable experience for what it would be like to work in a team in the real gaming industry. I also found it easier in many ways to work in a team, as the workload could be divided fairly, allowing me to focus on being a successful game designer.

My core idea changed quite a bit throughout our development process of designing and doing the art for our game. For example, the most significant changes were related to the narrative and story elements. You can, of course, see evidence of this change on my blog, but I made many adjustments to the core story, such as adding a phone machine. One of the main reasons my story ideas changed was because of the mental health elements that my team and I wanted to convey to our players. These changes and adaptations happened during the creation process of the story and gameplay, such as making it clearer that our farmer was suffering from isolation and loneliness by adding a phone that texts the player.

I found working in a specialization to be highly beneficial, as I was able to focus on not only what I think I am highly skilled at—creating ideas for the game and working on level design and other elements of the game itself—but also because I was able to take full responsibility for one part of the creation of the game, which allowed me to work more efficiently. I found that working in a team taught me many things, such as how to communicate and work towards deadlines as a team, how to solve problems that a team member may have brought up, and how to properly deal with disagreements within a group.

If I had done anything differently, I would have made sure to have more team meetings and plan things more thoroughly with my team. However, overall, I thought that working in a team was very beneficial and effective.

My team and I made many adjustments to our game to ensure and produce a fun, well-done player experience. One thing we made sure to adjust was the ladder in the game, so that the player would be able to climb it seamlessly, as well as making the game's tasks feel fluid and comfortable for the player to do and complete. One thing that I was always trying to work on and improve was the game's level design.

I am happy to say that, though I would add more to the game if given more time, it is fully ready to be presented at the Games Anglia Festival. We have confirmed this by having a player start and a fully functional game, which can be completed. If I had more time, I would like to focus on making the game more accessible to people who have trouble with their vision. But overall, I think our game is highly accessible, and you can see evidence of this on my blog.

I'm very happy to say that my and our team's game is an outcome that I am more than happy with. The game's gameplay is fully completed to how we wanted it to be, with all three of the tasks in the game being fully compatible and all gameplay elements added that I and the team wanted to incorporate. I think our game conveys the feeling of loneliness and isolation very well. You can see this on my blog, where we gathered feedback, and many people said that our game made them feel lonely, which is exactly what we wanted to convey. We did this through our great gameplay elements, such as our text message system, our shadow system, and the game's overall vibe.

I would say that, through the narrative side of the game, which I had full control of creating, we managed to convey our mental health elements by having an incredible world and a focused story. The text messages telling the player that they are worried about them, the shadows throughout the game reflecting the farmer's friends and how isolated he feels, and the overall quietness of the game conveying that the farmer is on their own. There are also some gameplay elements, such as our game's fog, which helps make the player feel isolated. You can see evidence of all this on my blog and in playtesting.

[larsson-vigo]

GCSE Media Studies Radio Show (2017-2018)

An original radio show featuring music edits, a custom beat, and an interview under my producer alias ‘wxlfboii.

i’ve lost the final version and the other versions sadly so i got a draft version i can share which only has the music only.

Script

As part of my GCSE Media Studies coursework, I created a full radio show, managing everything from audio editing to original music production. The show featured clean edits of explicit tracks, a self-produced beat, and an interview with myself under my producer alias, ‘wxlfboii.’ This project showcases my early passion for music production, audio storytelling, and creative direction.

This radio show showcases a mix of genres, including trap metal, with a focus on emerging and experimental music also explores raw and intense themes in underground genres like trap metal, including discussions of mental health struggles. These tracks were curated to reflect the unfiltered emotions often expressed in these genres.

tracklist

0:00-2:00 -music that i added on the radio project

3:00-4:58 - wxlfboii - ineedyxu (original beat i created in 2016)

5:00 and so on - music that i added on the radio project (meant to be the exit song)

the final version had an advert i wrote, the final version also had radio tags and an interview as well.

Key Aspects

Clean Edits: Removed explicit language using reverse effects and slight pitch adjustments to meet broadcast standards.

• Original Beat: Produced an instrumental at age 14 (2016) and integrated it seamlessly into the show.

• Interview Segment: Conducted an engaging interview as ‘wxlfboii,’ discussing my creative process and inspirations.

• Storytelling: Crafted an engaging narrative through music, ads, and dialogue.

This project was a pivotal moment in my creative journey, laying the foundation for my current work as a content producer.

[twatkcox]

[The Keihancarl Diaries: May 4-5, 2024]

Hi everyone, Keihancarl here. This is the fifth Pinoy Otaku Festival event that I attended, with the first one back in May 2017 (Danketsu), and the third POF event held at Robinson's Novaliches Trade Hall after Asobu (2019) and Shizen (2023).

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This year’s POF theme is Yume (which means dream in Japanese), and the focus of this event is mental health awareness. There are panel discussions about cosplay (as per the schedule), and one of them focuses on its benefits (along with anime and fanfiction) to one’s well-being.

Unlike the previous POF events, I somehow skipped the first day of the three-day event as that falls on a weekday (which is, obviously, Friday) and there won’t be that much crowd there. As usual, the Otaku Choice Awards is held on the first day of the event.

May 4th

And that was the beginning of the amazingly awesome weekend.

I decided to go mostly black on this one, featuring the khaki Naruto shirt from Uniqlo. As I didn’t want to stand out like in the previous POF events I attended, I chose to wear something less fancy, with some of my favorite accessories. Of course, my black fingerless gloves will always be part of my outfit, no matter how special the day is.

I really wanted to go there as early as possible so I did just that. I immediately head to the venue instead of taking a long walk from the adjacent malls first. Reaching the venue, I immediately bought a ticket and headed inside.

The Cosplay Idol Finals were ongoing as soon as I made it inside the venue. I began checking some stalls offering various merchandise, including anime shirts, action figures, collectible cards, stickers, anime and cosplayer prints, and accessories. There's also a booth selling English-language manga and a few other books. I get to see a demonstration of 3D printing at one of the booths, and a retro gaming booth where you can try playing some of the old video games (there's also a Tetris competition). The event’s advocacy partner Angat Buhay had a booth inside as well. And of course, a Godzilla display (like in the previous POF events).

I passed by an interesting stall (40 People In The World) selling cold brew coffee, but the computer keyboard-style packaging intrigued me. I tried a sample of one of their coffee blends. I bought a three-piece box. Kind of pricey, but I think it’s reasonable.

I get to witness some performances (including some of the idol performers for the Aidoru Hour), plus the karaoke battle where one of the contestants perform a Miki Matsubara song (Stay With Me), a Lolita fashion show (plus a discussion), and a SmackDown show (kind of a scripted wrestling type kind of show).

I decided to step out of the event area to have a chicken, Cajun fries, and mashed potato meal at Popeyes (SM Fairview). The mashed potato is finally back on the menu, or I just didn’t notice it earlier.

Going back to the event, I have a few selfie pics with some of the cosplayers. I stayed there for a few more hours until the awarding ceremony. An anime rave party followed soon afterward. I decided to upload the first batch of photos from the second day of the event before moving back to SM Fairview and checking some of the shops there.

Before heading home, I decided to have a cup of caramel ice blend coffee (no whipped cream, unfortunately) at the Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf and work on this TKD post. I stayed there for about 30 minutes.

May 5th

I was really determined to go back for the third and final day of the event. I decided on a wine-red stand-up collar shirt and a black Evangelion shirt.

I arrived around the same time as yesterday and bought a few more items, including pins, stickers, and a small anime figure of Kei Tsukishima (Haikyuu), plus a couple of manga books.

There was a karaoke competition (AniOke Idol), a series of performances by different idol groups and singers (Aidoru Hour Extravaganza), and a cosplay competition (Cosplay Competition League). I also managed to take more selfies with some of the cosplayers. I had an opportunity to take a selfie with AllYellow Joshua, who is one of the event's hosts (the pic is on the last part of the post). And I decided to have my photo taken at the photo booth.

Around 4:30 PM, I decided to leave the venue for a while and had some katsudon and brown sugar milk tea at Tamoya Udon (still in SM Fairview). I previously had an udon dish there two weeks after my birthday.

Heading back, the venue becomes a concert hall with performances by idol groups and singers. One of the special guests Misuru (all the way from Japan) also graced the stage during the Aidoru Hour Extravaganza as well, and she was also at the anime rave party last night.

The Cosplay Championship League (the finals, I think) began around 7:15 PM. Meanwhile, I decided to head to the restroom outside the event and did a little grocery shopping along the way. I headed back to the venue 30 minutes later and stayed until the end of the event. The Lolita Fashion Competition later commenced around past 8:00. The awarding ceremony for both competitions followed after that.

POF 2024: Yume concluded right after the closing message and that ends yet another awesome weekend. The question remains whether the next POF event will be held at the same venue.

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Despite missing the first day of the event and all of the panel discussions, I really enjoyed much of this year's POF event, especially the stage performances. I ended up spending a lot of money on some of the merch, including the manga books. It sure was an awesome weekend.

All right, I'm definitely looking forward to the next POF event next year. But of course, there's also a possibility of attending another otaku event this year. For now, it's back to normal for yours truly, Keihancarl. The upcoming mall-hopping trip will have to wait, though, as Mother's Day is coming up and I really planned on spending it with my mom (I never get to celebrate her birthday, which is a few days prior).

And that's all for the second week of the #TheFourWeekendPlan. Until next time!

P.S.: Choji TV did a Ninong Ry cosplay, too bad I never get to take a selfie pic with him.

All pics are from my Instagram account, @kcox_105.

[nataliefay97]

Week 4: Behind the Scenes of Media Production 🎬

This week, we delved into the inner workings of production processes and key stakeholders within the children and teenage media industry. Exploring this topic is new territory for me, as my educational background is in child and youth care (CYC) and my understanding of media production is limited. However, I gained a lot of valuable insight from this week’s content that I can connect to my area of study.

This week’s readings focused on the ecology of children’s media (Steemers, 2021) and the current landscape of children's media viewership (Steemers & Potter, 2021). My key takeaways from the readings are:

a) children’s media cannot be analysed without considering all the working parts that play a role in media production, and

b) the landscape of children’s media consumption is changing rapidly

Mini Screenings Presentations: Avatar & Wong Fu Productions Short

Today’s class began with two mini screenings featuring a clip from Avatar and a short film by Wong Fu Productions were shown. Although I haven’t watched either of these clips before, the underlying themes and class discussions left an impact on me. Interestingly, it wasn’t until one of my peers mentioned it that I realized Youtuber Ryan Higa’s affiliation with Wong Fu Productions. As a teenager, I was a huge fan of Higa’s YouTube videos.

Although I am not a huge fan of anime-style content, I can appreciate the significant impact anime culture has on young people’s lives. I had an interesting conversation with a couple of peers where we explored the potential of anime shows bridging the gap between children and teenage television content. We discussed how anime’s cartoon style caters to young audiences, however, the storylines grapple with mature themes that are written in a way that is digestible for the tween age. Common themes portrayed in anime include grief, friendships, romantic relationships, and self-discovery.

Class Discussion: Fred Roger’s Clip

During our class, we viewed a short clip featuring Mr. Fred Rogers testifying in a court hearing in the late 1960s. Much of what Mr. Rogers expressed deeply resonated with me as a student in the field of child and youth care (CYC). A peer pointed out the significance of Mr. Rogers advocating for not only mental health but also the mental well-being of children during a time when discussions about mental health were not common. I also appreciated Mr. Rogers' description of television for children as “a form of care”. This statement prompted me to reflect on whether the children’s media production process is coming from a place of love and care for its young audience.

Mr. Rogers also emphasized that children’s media does not necessarily require dramatic storylines and flashy graphics to convey a moral lesson. Instead, it can be simple yet educational, comforting, and involve everyday scenarios.

Guest Speaker Presentation: Erica Shallow on 'Geek Girl'

This week, we had the privilege of hosting Erica Shallow from Nelvana who provided us with the inside scoop of the upcoming series Geek Girl, licensed by Netflix. While I must admit that I did not understand much of the technical lingo beyond how media licensing works, I found Erica’s insights about steps in the production process such what Netflix is looking for in a series pitch in today’s media landscape very interesting. 

I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment when I learned that Geek Girl would not feature a neurodivergent individual in its title role. Nonetheless, I commend Netflix’s commitment to featuring neurodivergent storylines on its platform in recent years. What I wonder though is how the autism community will receive this series. I am further led to reflect on whether this series’ target audience is young people with autism or young people in general. This brings to mind a hot topic that was circulating online autism forums a couple of years ago – the release of Australian musician Sia’s short film, “Music”. The reception of Sia’s work was disastrous, to say the least. The neurodivergent community’s biggest contention with the film was that a non-autistic actress was hired to portray a non-verbal autistic girl. Additionally, a scene depicting the title character being physically restrained drew severe criticism as it was perceived as inappropriate and harmful to the autism community, as these restraints can be unhelpful, violent, and even fatal in some cases. 

Returning to Erica’s presentation, it was interesting to hear the concepts we explored in our reading this week regarding the key players in media production being brought to life behind the scenes of Geek Girl. Erica mentioned the many participants and steps involved in producing a television series, even highlighting the necessary role of lawyers in the process. Additionally, Netflix’s strategic move to license this series aligns with what we’ve learned about children’s recent media consumption habits – children nowadays are more likely to consume media SVODs rather than linear television (Steemers, 2021), (Potter & Steemers, 2021).

References

Avatar: The Last Airbender. (2023, February 4). Appa Escapes the Circus 🎪 | Full Scene | Avatar: The Last Airbender [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0y4qnjnioc

Bugbee, T. (2021, February 11). 'Music' Review: A Woefully Misguided View of Disability. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/11/movies/music-review.html

danieldeibler. (2015, February 8). May 1, 1969: Fred Rogers testifies before the Senate Subcommittee on Communications [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA

Potter, A. & Steemers, J. (2021). Children and the media industries: An overlooked but very special “television” audience. In P. McDonald (Ed.) The Routledge Companion to Media Industries (pp. 246-256), Routledge.

Steemers, J. (2021). Children’s Television Culture. In D. Lemish (Ed.) The Routledge International Handbook of Children, Adolescents, and Media (pp. 101-108), Routledge.

[Untitled Image of Geek Girl Book Cover by HarperCollins side by side with Netflix logo on black background]. (2023). What's on Netflix. https://www.whats-on-netflix.com/news/geek-girl-netflix-sets-new-teen-series-adaptation-06-2023/

[oddevan]

The last straw, I guess

I’m not leaving Twitter, but I’ll be using it a lot less like I used to.

I wish I could leave outright, but I’ve got too many social connections on there that I don’t have elsewhere. People I’ve met in different places that haven’t moved to other places. (Or they have, and I just missed it—which is likely.)

But after a few days of having to use the official app… it feels like Facebook. Or Instagram. A whole lot of stuff that I don’t care about, even when it purports to only show me what I care about (the “Following” timeline). And I don’t just mean advertisements, I mean:

Tweets from people followed by people I follow

Tweets liked by people I follow

Links to accounts that might be interesting to me for some reason

Out-of-order replies or truncated threads

Throw in some obnoxious UI elements like a new tweet button and a banner proclaiming that there are tweets that I have not seen while I am indeed scrolling up to read said tweets, and I feel like I’m squinting to see through a haze of noise to see the one thing I came to see: tweets from people I follow.

People with more experience in the world of Twitter apps (like Manton and Craig and John) have already said their things, but I’ve got two more data points to add.

First, I recognize that this is a pretty pathetic straw to be the one to make me “leave” Twitter. Others have been dealing with rising bigotry, hate, and a general increase in… uncivil behavior on the platform. This has always been there, and it’s been there since well before Twitter was taken private. Since then, though, the platform leadership has made it clear that this will continue in the name of “free speech,” welcoming back some of the most prominent accounts that encouraged said vitrol.

I want to note that this was something I knew was happening but rarely saw. I used Tweetbot instead of the official Twitter app, and it only showed my timeline in order along with any mentions or direct messages. Since someone of my race, religion, gender, and sexual orientation is not typically the target of hate and harassment campaigns, it was something I didn’t experience. But I followed enough accounts and heard enough stories to know that it was happening somewhere; I just didn’t see it.

The problem is the more the Twitter app shows me what’s happening “on the platform” and less of who I’ve chosen—for the sake of my mental health—to listen to, the more I’ll see. I don’t even want to see trending topics much less whatever tweets people are angry about. Tweetbot allowed me to control what I saw on Twitter; the official Twitter app doesn’t. That is why these third-party clients were so important to me.

Second, this has confirmed that Twitter’s new ad-hoc approach to policy also extends to the API. The theme repeated by app developers has been “respect,” or rather the lack thereof: the banning of 3rd-party apps was made with no notice beforehand and no acknowledgement after. It’s also inconsistent: several smaller apps, including the Mac desktop version of Twitteriffic, have yet to be banned. No respect, no communication, no consistency. If nothing else, this shows Twitter is not a stable platform for building on.

Which brings me to Smolblog. I’ve been working on it off-and-on for years now, and one of the key features has always been a Twitter integration that will import posts from and send posts to Twitter. As part of the big refactor, I was rewriting this module to use the new version of Twitter’s API. It wasn’t until I was most of the way in that I learned that there are still key features—like posting images to Twitter—that are simply not available through version 2 of Twitter’s API.

With the growing instability in the API, I simply cannot waste any more time building a feature on an API that is incomplete and could change at a moment’s notice. The change could be in a data structure, or it could be a policy change that would ban Smolblog. With me already feeling “behind schedule” (an attitude to examine later), I need to get core functionality out, and that means putting any Twitter work on the back burner.

So there it is. Twitter stays on my phone, but it gets shoved into the back page with Instagram and Facebook: apps I only touch when I need to. And I’ll likely need to; there are people, things that I can still only get to through Twitter, and asking people to give up their hard-won audience is no easy ask. But this makes the mission of Mastodon, Micro.blog, and every other independent cross-compatible service that much more important. And I hope one day that Smolblog is in that list.

Jack Dorsey was right about one thing for sure, though: Twitter should have been a protocol, not a company.

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

------------------------------------------------

Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

[tarotnoob]

What’s your secret? Pick a Card.

So, my intention was to ask the cards: what’s their secret, what are they hiding, what’s their fear? I will try to give a light analysis and a darker analysis. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about themselves or be triggered, but keep in mind - that’s a possibility. This is a completely judgmental-free space. I am not judging, you do not need to affirm or acknowledge anything - this is simply for any type of validation you seek. It can be related to shadow work. We all have deep stuff we don’t want to share or acknowledge. We may be in denial, we may have locked it away, we may not even see we do this and need to be told, etc...

With that in mind: Scroll to the pile you feel drawn to [Pile 1, 2, 3, from left]

PILE 1

Light: On the lighter side, you have the potential to heal others because you have experienced some kind of (emotional/medical wound). Often, going through any kind of challenge not only develops inner strength, but also increases empathy. I feel like in an effort to make others feel better if they are hurt, you try to make them laugh. It might also be that when you hurt, you deflect using humor/sarcasm/jokes. I feel like you’re sensitive, you might even be competitive to some degree. You might either work with friends or are attending school with friends or are working toward something worth celebrating. You could also already have a job or do volunteer work that benefits the community you live in, or possibly you have recently received good news about a health or medical situation if you were receiving treatment... I almost get the sense that there’s someone who’s been going through physical therapy or something like that because there is a vibe of recovery, dark thoughts, and then... pushing through something difficult. This can fit into anything, but I’m really drawn to pretty serious mental health or physical health issues here. Interesting to note, we have no wands here - emotional issue, a little mental conflict, possibly even a conflict with other people, and a sense of slower progress toward something tangible, also two 3′s, a 5, and an 8, which for me represent the themes: social/love/creativity; change/conflict; personal power.

My guess before I jump into dark is that there is a certain level of fire or passion that’s been absent for you. There’s also a sense of reflection or searching for something that is [lacking] because almost all the cards show someone looking intently at an object, two of which are obviously mirrors, cups, swords, inside the hat... the symbol on Chiron looks like a key. I also wanted to mention inn the description of obsession, it mentions chasing comets and Chiron is a comet. As a reader, it’s not really a coincidence, so with chiron representing wounds/healing and obsession being about chasing or denial... this is about denying a wound/problem and/or chasing something to fill a void.

Dark: I feel a few things coming up with these cards, so take what resonates for you. I feel like this could be a pile that obsesses about a hobby, person, physical feature as a means to distract yourself or avoid something. I also feel some of you could be a bit two-faced. I don’t mean outright liar, I mean what you show people - online through social media or IRL isn’t really you, and that maybe you feel if you show who you really are, people won’t like you. Through the obsession card, like I said, you could simply throw yourself into hobbies, but I feel this is about being obsessed regarding how others view you. Like, you want to be seen x way, you want to be liked or even hated, as long as you are acknowledged, receive attention, or can gain a following.

I think it’s possible that you might get jealous or envy others easily, especially online. Some of you may have even hate-followed people just to spy on them or sent not so nice anon comments out of pettiness. And this comes from a dissatisfaction in how you see yourself.

I feel like in the five of swords, though you may have been the ones walking away in defeat, I also see you as the smug guy who’s “won” the battle except with this card, no one really wins. This is like being mean and bullying someone online and thinking you got the last word or you block them or get them to block you and it’s just petty. I definitely see some online stalking.

Because of the numbers, I feel conflict and issues about change regarding social circles... backstabbing friends or envy/pettiness within friend circles.

You may have a tendency to brag or boast because a lot of these figures are showing off something, but again that makes me feel drawn to the notion of showing this type of life or relationship or whatever through social media when it’s not really as it seems. I mean, people say a lot of social media is just that, showing your best whatever, but there is some bitterness/vanity/pettiness involved in this feeling, it’s not just oh for fun I’ll show my last vacation pics. But, I guess it could be as simple as that. 

At it’s simplest, I sense someone who fakes a lot of what they show to people out of fear of how others will see them if they show the real them.

Because the obsession card literally points out about a denial issue, there may be something you do, especially regarding social activities that you don’t want to acknowledge - like bullying or starting fights or stalking exes online, being obsessed with how others see or perceive you, especially regarding looks. Like, you have to post yourself online looking all done up, looking fit, etc...

But it’s all to fill something you don’t feel confident about... which is why the wands aren’t here. You may be showing something that isn’t authentic to yourself or your higher self... for the sake of superficial validation. Specifically of friends or peers or an online social community.

And keep in mind we ALL do this stuff. I mean, we’re only going to look down on murder, abuse, harm to others or yourself... but like, little dark stuff we think and feel, blocking people, ghosting them... everyone does this. It’s not GOOD, but we do it and it should be acknowledged and  you should sit in it, as we all should when we need to face or confront our darkest sides.

And the Chiron card says we have to heal the wound before we can move onto a better path so once you figure out where these actions stem from, you can work on healing that part of yourself. I don’t think the dark stuff we feel is anything to be ashamed of per se... I’ve done some of my best writing when I’m feeling dark. So... well I won’t ask you to let me know if it resonates, but it’s food for thought.

---

PILE 2

As usual I see a little link with pile 1, so if you were drawn to both, can read the previous pile. 

Light: Okay, so on the light side - sorry I wanted to stop and read up about the void moon because what happened is I had so many cards representing a “block” as if you’re blocking me from the secret that I pulled the extra tarot cards and then I was reading how the void of course moon sounds like reverse psychology because it talks about how things you WANT won’t happen, so what you should do is agree to things you don’t want bc they won’t happen, which isn’t especially helpful. It basically sounds like a more severe mercury retrograde, so the advice on that card is to take no action, but I’m also acknowledging all these messages with the 7 of cups, 8 of swords, void moon that there is a block, a stall, a weird cloud hanging over you... almost as if perhaps you have or will experience a string of bad luck or curse issues, heh.

That’s not a light message, but I want to get out what I see first.

Because in the 3 additional cards, I do see positives and Judgment also shows that there will be an “awakening” of some sort, which I can only hope means there will be more clarity on a situation that seems to be causing you some anxiety. It seems to be regarding a decision or choice... I mean as a metaphor, it does read like “coming out.” Or rather, it reads like being in the closet about SOMETHING because - wait we were going to do light first, haha.

Okay sorry. Um...  there is a sense of putting effort or work into a skill of some sort, one that will aid in creating more personal empowerment and balance for you. I want to say that this involves justice or the right thing being done, so some of you may be working toward this now.... especially with the judgment card, it’s almost as if you go from worrying about what others think to breaking free of that, having this great awakening - and it will make you feel like you’re in control of your own life. This could also be that you’re worried about a career or job route and you want to do the thing that makes you feel most empowered. With the artist card, I would guess that a lot of you are some sort of artist or express yourself through or have a talent for any “art” related occupation, any occupation or hobby that allows you to express yourself. But it feels like there’s even heavier stuff going on because of Justice... there’s a sense of karma... or righting wrongs. I mean the balance could simply be about self-balance, but it could be that your talent is driven by social injustices or legal things, government things, politics, etc... which again feels like an issue about coming out. Perhaps you’re in a country or within a culture or family that doesn’t allow you to BE yourself or DO the thing you want, so there’s a sense of being trapped or being indecisive and not knowing what to do because you’re afraid of what people will think or how thtey’ll react if you “come out” as gay or trans or wanting to be a painter instead of a doctor or having x belief that isn’t what your fam believes.

And tbh, the moon card does give a sense of caution, fear - that it won’t work out or something will go wrong if you do x, y, z. I don’t necessarily think it literally means do not do anything at this time, but take that on board. There’s no shame in NOT coming out if you aren’t ready or don’t feel safe to do so.

But I DO see you taking up the sword, taking up the baton... I feel like this is your destiny to do so. But let’s get to the dark.

Dark: So I think we’ve already established that the “secret” feels more like hiding an aspect of yourself that you don’t want others to know about - whether it’s coming out about your sexuality or gender or a particular interest or hobby or career, there is a fear of being judged, a fear that is causing you anxiety, uncertainty, making you feel trapped, but all the cards do lean toward you have the POWER to escape this feeling or situation, you alone. IF you decide to do what YOU want to do. Downcast pride seems to be about conformity, by the way, so you may hide this part in order to fit into societal norms. This could even be about selling out artistically. Like, you want to be a writer, but you “sell out” by taking some salary job at whatever company. 

On the other hand, you might have too much pride, I suppose. But, I see 8 of swords as being connected to the downcast pride because of the roots on the pride card coming from the elf’s neck and then the wrapping around the girl in 8 of swords. So, this sense of conformity, of throwing away your pride to bend to the will of what other’s think is what’s made you feel stuck/trapped.

For like one of you this could also be that... yes about being bi or pan but also being interested in poly relationships but not wanting to tell others or not wanting to try it out because you’re afraid. I get that from the 7 of cups, which is about having multiple choices, so just throwing that out there...

For a few it could be something as simple as... being a pretty wishy washy person, someone who really struggles to make decisions or doesn’t know what they want despite being, like, 38 years old. So there’s  like this voice telling you: why don’t you know what you want when everyone else seems to have their shit together? Because there’s also this sense of having an inability to.... DO SOMETHING. Like, being paralyzed to some degree... but I feel the cards are saying it is up to you to work on this and discover your own personal power and to discover that, you’ll need to... find internal balance? I want to say do what feels right but I’m trying to understand why Justice makes me think that... but Justice is also about making choices and decisions, typically based on what’s right, but the LAW is obviously subjective, so think of it in terms of THE UNIVERSE’s law, which is simply... balance. For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction... that’s not really helpful to giving you advice, I’m just saying universe law isn’t the same as man’s law. 

I still think this is a very clear message to:

At the heart of the artist card is simply someone who expresses themselves. The color that stands out to me here is red, which is about fear, stability... might want to investigate blocked root chakras... in the temporary/mean time, wear more red, listen to root chakra healing stuff, get some root related gems or bracelets.

1. Awaken/come out, be conscious of your fear or issue with judgment

2. This will require effort to come to this place of personal power, like actual... work on your part, maybe even taking classes or reading up on self impreovemnt or confidence, etc...

3. That you will HAVE to make choices/decisions to get where you are being guided

4. Your conflict is because you feel you need to conform but in so doing, you’ve trapped yourself and are keeping yourself from moving in the right direction; in fact, all kinds of things might fall apart or go wrong IF you don’t change something or rather - nothing will change ever if YOU don’t do something

I get the sense that you don’t want to FACE this thing yet but you will, because then you’ll receive more confidence and power. 

And if you’re quite young and feeling stuck, I think that if you have an opportunity to go away to college, you will find more freedom to do what you want and be yourself in comparison to where you live now.

But it looks to me that this journey from 8 of swords to Magician will take some time...

As for numbers - 7, 2, 2 8s, 11/2, 1, oop another 7, and 20/2

So, 2s, 8s, 7s, even 1s... there’s a lot going on... 

I read this as an issue... that’s a lesson, that’s about something that could be hidden/subconsious/secret... that involves the self, personal power... and inner balance as well as balance within any type of relationships. So, what that means in comparison to pile 1 who didn’t have so many coupled up numbers is that your journey is a bit more complicated, with more lessons, not all of them easy to tackle or see... but where to start would be to work on yourself, your empowerment and any issues regarding relationships will follow, as well...  and that you will encounter challenges/difficulties/karmic relationships - but they’re to teach you something, which I would guess has to do with self-resilience and independence, inner strength/confidence. You’re being forced to GROW internally through - probably - external conflicts or confrontations or issues. Like, some people learn because of some internal anxiety or depression or self worth, but I think you’ll grow because things outside of yourself will force pressure on you and you’ll either have to bend your knee or stand up for yourself and... though that’s tough, that’s ultimately where the universe WANTS to guide you, but the choice is always yours and obviously keep in mind that you are allowed to change or do whatever at your own pace when you feel ready or safe.

I also want to say something I came to understand recently is... there are no wrong or right choices. I often sit so long in indecision but the universe doesn’t go if you choose x you get a reward, if u choose y, you get a pie in the face.

What really happens is the universe warps around either choice you make... opportunities, good or “bad” will come from either way you go but it’s just ... making the choice. There’s no wrong or right answer other than moving forward. So, maybe that will help and maybe I can find the instagram post I saw yesterday that explained it so well. Hope that helps.

---

PILE 3

Interesting pile. For the record, when I just went to take the pile photo, the clock on my phone turned 4:44.The first thing about 444 to come up on google is basically about trusting your intuition. Ironically, four is also the number of stability, so... creepy b/c you have the stability card. And death adds up to 4. Four in numerology is again about stability but those who resonate with 4 aren’t so great with adapting to change. Death is often about change, usually a deep spiritual transformation or a shedding of a life phase to a new one. Like - childhood to adulthood or a whole new perspective on life.

I will also start off with the numbers since numbers seem to be important in this pile particularly - we have two sevens (sevens are like lessons or things that are hidden, secrets, sometimes lies or betrayal), 4 is stability and structure, 3 is love/creatvity/social, and 11/2 is a master number or about inner balance or partnerships of any sort. 11 is a combo of high priestess/magician - so blending your intuition with... leadership. 13 is pragmatism... security again.

I’ll talk more about what i am dying to talk about in the dark side of this - which is all these CAGE IMAGES OF BEING BOXIED IN AND STUCK IN A SMALL SPACE AND PUTTING UP BARS... but yeah - light first.

Light take: Okay, so there is a sense of solidity to you... like... being very strong to the point of possibly being over the top in how you... exert control over yourself or space... that doesn’t have to be a bad thing (yet), because it makes me FEEL that you are very capable person, a responsible person. Some of you may be going “nope” but there is the POTENTIAL for you to be this way even if you are a bit emotionally flakey... because I do sense a lot of earth energy here or big earth placements that make me feel as if sometimes you are capable of putting up a dry stone dirt earth wall to keep others out or even to prevent you from seeing or acknowledging something negative, and this could result in tunnel vision or self victimization, etc... which fits with the victim card.

But, like I said - you are someone who is either really good or really bad with personal boundaries. Some of you may be able to draw very clear lines. If you don’t want to do a thing you’re like “nope, not interested” almost too much on the blunt side but you know what you do and don’t want to do but this may result in some stubborness or some rifts between relationships where someone’s feelings get hurt, like if you are friends with a Gemini, I bet they huff at you a lot because you’re just too harsh and blunt; however, so what because if you know what you do and don’t want, you should say so. Granted, can you watch HOW you say it? Maybe? But I’m not here to tell you how to be, maybe the Gemini should grow a thicker skin, who’s to say.

What’s interesting is how this seven of wands which is usually like fire or passion for defending something... and then 7 of pentacles is patience and waiting on results. You’d think this is opposite even tho both are 7s but this is me seeing you PASSIONATELY defending your borders/boundaries. Like, you like THIS chair at starbucks, you want THIS chair every time you go because it is YOUR chair and you like routine and you like to sit in THIS space because that makes you comfortable, lol That’s what it feels like  - and then those two butt up against the Death card, which came after those... and so it does make me feel there are issues here regarding change... that you are content to let things just be that way and that the idea of change may feel threatening or uncomfortable, which is why the pontiff (you) is putting his hand up to be like “no change don’t come to my village, i like things as they are b/c that’s comfortable”.

What I will s ay is I don’t think even if you’re blunt, you’re ever looking to hurt anyone b/c the bride image and the victim wearing white make me think your intentions are mostly “pure” or harmless, that if you do block people out it’s to protect yourself or your way of thinking or your comfort, etc... I’m not seeing this as in you went through something dark and put walls up - tho that’s possible - i’m seeing this more as... it’s just the way you are.

Some of you tho b/c of this bride make me feel like you are afraid of: death, getting old, marriage/relationships or various forms of mental/physical intimacy.

I know I blended in dark and light here but let me go into the dark full on.

Dark: So, like I said. This is a pile where you have put yourself into a box for the sake of comfort, you may be quite stubborn in your belief or perspective, you may be blunt and feel firm in these beliefs to the point you actively think other people are obviously wrong in what they think or how they do, you may even start bossing them like a Taurus or Virgo, might be rather judgmental of others and how they live their life, thinking you could do it better or more efficient. You are passionate in your beliefs and perspectives, but really you are desperately fearful of change, which is why you reject other POVs. You have good personal boundaries, but keep in mind that also locks out opportunities, especially regarding relationships. There may be a reason all this cage imagery is here - a fear of connecting with someone else, some type of intimacy because that would involve breaking down your wall or your beliefs and you might be too selfish for that. Not to say that doing what you want is selfish... it’s that when you become so enamored with a ritual or routine that you use THAT stability to fill a void of some sort, that void being a fear of change. You say - well I’m just being loyal to my beliefs when really you don’t want to change, so you don’t want to compromise in a relationship and then you just end up overpowering the other person because you haven’t learned how to compromise or how to allow OTHERS that space they need to be themselves.

And in so doing you’ve had relationships fall apart where you blamed the other person and went - but i was just adhering to my boundaries and they got too emotional about it, so it’s their fault; thus, you’ve set yourself up as the victim. People just don’t UNDERSTAND you even tho you never bother to try and understand them. Until you break down these walls to some degree, you may repeat this type of thing over and over. So even tho earth means responsibility it also means that... well it doesn’t mean you ACCEPT responsibility for certain actions. In terms of color, there’s (for me) a lot of orange (sacral), solar plexus - but there is also a bit of blue, green, red... so some minor throat, heart, root... that could indicate those are blocked or overactive while the sacral and solar plexus are... also possibly overactive or most... prevalent in what’s going on.

b/c i would GUESS your throat and heart ARE a bit on the... in need of work side. Because of HOW you say things or express things and how much compassion you feel for others - which makes sense - how you express things to others while considering their feelings >.> probs not your strong suit.

But on the other side of this - you would be able to offer pragmatic advice to friends, you’re probably good with money tho maybe you like stuff too much... maybe you hoard money or THINGS... it reminds me of what the members have joked about with jungkook (i always have a bts tie in). so he’s the youngest member and tho he was shy (he’s a virgo by the way so an earth sun sign) and he was also very selfish b/c he was probs a spoiled baby when they started, but there’s a joke where he used to say “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” or maybe it was the other way but you get the idea.... like there is an “earth” mentality of this is mine but also... those things that arent mine are mine too b/c...  some people can’t step OUTSIDE of the box to realize other people have needs wand want space to be themselves, too, and don’t want to have to CATER to you or are being polite or may have a fear of conflict, so when you act selfishly they ghost you or blow up at you and you’re still left going - wtf just happened oh woe is meeee. when really you need ur hyungs to slap you upside the head and tell you to stop thinking only about yourself. i feel they probably did this with tae, too. (he’s a capricorn sun with a lot of earth in his chart). plus being the youngest is also a factor. maybe RM doesn’t seem this way bc his mercury is in scorpio, dunno.

so in conclusion - be more open with how others feel and think, you aren’t always right. work on your issues regarding change, change can be good even if it’s transformative and can mess up your routine. being stable is good, boundaries are good, as long as they don’t end up hurting others or keeping you isolated or always feeling attacked by others. it’s not always THEM. sometimes IT’S YOU. But there is a whole world out there - yeah some of it sucks, a lot of it sucks, but there is a world out there.... and if you want to build relationships with people... yeah... if you were not even aware that it was you, now you know.

thanks for reaaaaaaaaaaading!!

[jenonctcity]

My Ending - Part 1

Differences – Na Jaemin

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetracer!Au

Disclaimer: This is going to be a very dark themed story, please do not read if you are triggered easily by the mentioned subjects in the warnings. 

I recommend reading Jeno’s story first so that it’s easier for you to understand the timeline and plot of this story.

Warnings: Minor Character Death, Mention of Suicide Attempts, Mental Health Issues (Depression and Anxiety), Mentions of Drug Use/Overdose, Mention of Drug Addiction Effecting Baby After Birth. 

Word Count: 5k

Jaemin was used to living his life in black and white. His whole life had always been a mix of muggy grey, never having experienced enough positive emotion for a long enough period that flecks of colour could mix into his greyscale life. Of course he had happy moments, excited moments, moments of enthusiasm, and moments of hope. He wasn’t a robot. But he found that it was the sad moments, fearful moments, moments of anxiety, and moments of anger that outweighed all other emotions and lead his world to darken in colour. It all started when he was born. Born to a drug addict mother, and a father who had long since ran away from the responsibilities of raising a child. He had been born a month early  with his body uncontrollably shaking, his body craving the heroin that his mother had been shooting when she was carrying him. He had been taken from her immediately and his grandmother on his fathers’ side had stepped up to take on the responsibility of raising the precious, underdeveloped baby.

The first few years of Jaemin’s life had been rough. He was significantly smaller than most of the children his age, and he didn’t start walking until he was two years old, almost a year later than he should have, and he had such a low immune system that he was constantly falling ill and being taken in and out of hospital. It was a tough challenge for his grandmother, but she adored her little miracle and did everything she could to keep him alive and happy. They’d hoped that Jaemin’s growth would catch up with him by the time he started school, but their hopes didn’t pan out, and he was still much smaller than all of the other children. On top of that, he struggled to keep up with the level of learning and was picked on by the other children for his tiny frame, lack of knowledge, and also, lack of parents. His teenage years weren’t much better. Even though he soon caught up with everybody in the height and education department, it wasn’t the bullying that bothered him anymore, it was the emotional scars that sat inside of his head like a poisonous fog, taunting him like those kids had through all of his school years.

He couldn’t understand why his mother had done what she’d done, and why she didn’t love him in the way a mother should love her son. He had seen his mother so little that he could count each encounter on one of his hands. Which is why as he walked back into the apartment, wearing his suit and holding the funeral programme that had a picture of his mother on the front, he felt numb. He let out a soft sigh as he sat down on the sofa beside Jeno, chucking the papers onto the coffee table in front of him and running a hand through his blond hair as he tried to gather his thoughts. Jeno didn’t physically react to Jaemin’s arrival apart from letting a soft smile tug at the corners of his lips. After a silence of five minutes with Jaemin just started absentmindedly into thin air, Jeno spoke up.

“How did it go?” Jeno’s voice was soft, his head still facing towards the quiet television as reruns of spongebob played.

“How did you know it was me?” Jaemin glanced at his blind friend, raising an eyebrow and trying not to put too much amusement in his tone, not feeling like he should be joking around after being to his mother’s funeral.

“Haechan is in his room, and Renjun is out picking Jiyeon up. I heard the door open and couldn’t hear Jiyeon shouting for one of her uncles so I just did the mystery solving and figured out it would be you.” He shrugged, a weak laugh vibrating off of his chest before he sighed. “You didn’t answer my question Jaem.” Jaemin sighed once more, wiping his sweaty palms on his thighs and resting his head back against the sofa.

“It was fine…” He couldn’t quite pinpoint the feelings rushing around inside of him. He felt anger, sadness, a dash of regret, but mostly relief. Anger because he was angry that she never made a proper effort with him, just brushing him aside and acting as if the drugs she owned were her precious child rather than the actual baby she’d made and given birth to. Sadness because he could never make amends with her and have the bond that most mothers and sons have. Regret because he knew once he hit the age of sixteen and was able to make sensible decisions for himself, he could have been the one to make the effort. And relief because he knew he didn’t have to spend nights worrying if the money he had sent his mother was being used to buy drugs instead of keeping food in her mouth. Relief because she couldn’t hurt herself anymore. Relief because the reason his depression was gone. Not that she took his mental health problems with her to the grave, but it gave Jaemin a horribly sick satisfaction that he could only diagnose as revenge. Which made him want to weep at how his brain could even think of something as horrid at that. Jaemin felt awful that he was thankful for Jeno’s blindness, so that he couldn’t see the tears that dribbled down his cheeks, silent sobs for the mother he spent so many nights crying over as a child, wishing for the mother he never had.

“Are you sure? It’s okay not to be okay.” Jaemin wanted to squeeze Jeno for how sweet the boy was being, but he just let out a huff of a laugh and wiped his tears away. He glanced down at his hands, gulping back the lump in his throat as his mind drifted to the nervous breakdown that Jeno had experienced only a week prior. Jeno had hit his breaking point and had expressed how much he worries about Jaemin, because of Jaemin’s previous failed suicide attempts that had clearly chipped away at Jeno’s mental stability. Jaemin felt the pit in his stomach he usually got when he was at his lowest mentally, but he didn’t want to pile more worries onto Jeno’s plate, so he faked a smile, despite Jeno’s lack of sight, it was more for himself than anyone else. Besides, it had been over two years since Jaemin had last attempted to take his own life, and he felt like he’d moved on from that stage of his life. He hoped.

“I’m fine, you haven’t got to worry about me.”

“Okay, because my kid is going to need its Uncle Nana to be a happy bastard not a moody bastard.” Jeno let out an amused laugh, trying to lighten the tone. It worked, the thought of Jeno’s unborn child bringing a big smile to his face.

“Uncle Nana is going to be its favourite per-” Jaemin was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket. He fished it out of his blazer pocket and answered it quickly when he saw the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Mr Na?” An unfamiliar male voice sounded through the phone, the voice calm and deep.

“It is.”

“I’m just calling to inform you that your grandmother has had a fall, the paramedics are with her now and the carer who was there when it happened is still there. I’ve been told that there hasn’t been any extensive damage, but I thought it would be best to let you know, as you’re the emergency contact.” Jaemin felt his world almost crumble in on him for a moment, the words about her not having much damage cooled him down slightly, but the panicked fire burning in his stomach was still very much alight.

“Okay, thank you for letting me know.” He hung up the call and gulped down the fireball of anxiety blazing in his throat. He was on his feet before he knew it, digging his keys out of his pocket. “My grandma fell over; I’ll be back soon.” He mumbled to Jeno, his mind foggy so he didn’t even hear Jeno’s gasp and quick ‘Is she okay!?’ before he was out of the door, sprinting down the stairs, and practically jumping into his car. He didn’t even look at the speed he was driving at because he didn’t care, all he cared about was seeing his grandmother and confirming the man on the phones statement that she was okay. He stopped out the front of her house and ran to the door, letting himself in with shaky hands and looking at the paramedics as they packed up their stuff in the entranceway.

“I’m her grandson, is she okay?!” His words came out so fast that the paramedic he’d aimed the question at almost didn’t understand what he’d said. “Is she?!” He repeated, a sheen of sweat on his forehead from his panic.

“She is, son,” The male paramedic addressed Jaemin, giving him a calming smile and pat on the arm. “We’ve given her some pain medication, and she’ll have a large bruise on her hip, but she didn’t fall hard enough to break anything. She’s just gone to sleep; I would leave it a little while before you disturb her though.” Jaemin nodded along, taking in all of the information with a small sigh of relief.

“Okay, thank you so much for taking care of her.” They bid their goodbyes and left, shutting the door behind them as Jaemin made his way into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway, his eyes trained on you stood by the kitchen sink with your back to him, wearing what looked like hospital scrubs over the tops of a long-sleeved floral top. Your shoulders were shaking gently as you let out all of your emotions, having assumed you were now alone in the house seeing as you heard the front door shut. Jaemin cleared his throat, causing you to squeal in surprise and turn around fast, a spatula that you’d grabbed out of the washing up bowl now in your hand being held up as a weapon.

“Who are you?!” Your eyes were wide, and if it wasn’t so comical, Jaemin would have been absolutely speechless from how stunning he found your features. He had an amused smile on his face as he quickly held his hands up in surrender.

“My name is Jaemin, I’m the grandson! Please don’t…spatula me.” You sighed in relief, lowering the spatula onto the drying rack. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I apologise.” He stepped forward, giving you a small bow. You bowed back and smiled politely, trying to ignore the heat that flooded your cheeks from the embarrassing encounter, also he was gorgeous, and it took you by surprise. You suddenly remembered your wet cheeks, using the back of your hand to wipe your tears away. “Are you okay?”

“Apology accepted, I’m (Y/N), I’m fine…it was just, really…hard to watch you know?” You nodded, sending him a weak smile with a quick nod. He tilted his head and poked his tongue into his cheek in thought.

“You’re my grandma’s carer?” He took a seat at the dining table, fiddling with the tablemat as he kept his eyes on you. The more you looked at him, the more you recognised him from the photos that were dotted around the house. He looked a lot different though, more mature and with more tattoos. One of the tattoos that you noticed were the roman numerals vertically written on his neck, just underneath his left ear, you were curious as to what the number was and to what it meant. He looked handsome in his suit, and you wondered what the occasion was as to why he was wearing such formal wear.

“I am, I haven’t seen you here before…she talks about you a lot.”

“All good things I hope.” He chuckled, giving you a cheeky wink. You felt the wink inside of your stomach and giggled nervously.

“She adores you!” You sat opposite him at the table, brushing some of your hair behind your ear as you thought about all the stories, she’d told you over the past few months that you’d been one of her carers. “I’m surprised I haven’t bumped into you before; she says you visit her a lot.” You furrowed your eyebrows, not being able to understand why you hadn’t seen him in person before.

“I usually visit in the evening times, but I have met a few of the other carers who stop by.” You were only one of the carers from the company who stopped by her house daily. Jaemin was incredibly thankful to the people who took care of his grandma when he couldn’t. He had moved out of her house on his own accord just after Jeno was arrested. He knew he was getting too much of a burden on his grandma, coming home late, throwing up on the carpet when he was too drunk and scaring her when he would admit to being high. And for good reason, considering how he was born addicted to heroin. But despite how much shit Jaemin had gone through in his life, he’d promised his grandmother that he’d never consume heroin. He didn’t want his grandma to be stressed over him, so when the opportunity came about to move in with his friends, he snatched it up as soon as he could. A year after moving out, his grandma stopped being able to get around as much as she could before, and the simplest of tasks got too much for her. So Jaemin took it upon him to hire a carer company to come in throughout the day and cook her meals, wash her clothes, and keep her house tidy. He felt bad that he couldn’t do it himself, but with his dodgy job, he either didn’t have the time, or didn’t want anything bad to happen which could be traced back to his grandma’s house. He dealt with a lot of dangerous people in illegal street racing, and he couldn’t risk his grandmother’s life, that’s why his visits were scarce and in the evening times when it was less likely he was being tracked by anyone. “I must say, you’re definitely the beautiful one.” He winked shamelessly, causing your face to flush. You had to stop yourself from letting out a whine at the compliment, not used to being complimented like that by men you’d only just met.

“Thank you.” A smile tugged at your lips, your hands coming to rest on your hot cheeks. Jaemin smirked and bit his bottom lip, his eyes flicking over your face subtly as he checked you out. You felt your phone ding in your pocket, signifying that you had finished your time at that house and had to move onto the next. “Oh, I have to get going. It was nice meeting you.” You jumped up from the table, grabbing your jacket from the coat rack by the front door and slipping it on. Jaemin followed you and dug his hands into his pockets.

“Likewise.” He opened the door for you and motioned for you to go through first. “I should get going anyway.” He had a race tonight and he needed to get himself ready for it, mentally and physically. He locked the door behind you both and walked down the path to his car. You paused, your mouth popping open as you laid eyes on his expensive looking car.

“Woah…is that yours?!” You almost squeaked, your eyes flicking from the Navy-Blue Mustang Shelby GT350, back to Jaemin. He looked very proud, his posture straightening out and a wide smile on his face.

“Yep!”

“Woooow…” You looked over at your own car, it was super cheap, and you were probably the fifth owner of the run-down looking thing. “It a lot nicer than mine.” You laughed awkwardly, getting out your key to unlock the door, you put your key in the hole and jiggled it around, trying desperately to unlock the old piece of crap. The door almost flew open after you’d succeeded in opening it, and Jaemin smiled kindly at you. “Anyway, see ya around Jaemin!” You hopped into your car, not giving him a chance to reply as you started the rickety engine and slowly drove away. Jaemin got in his own car and let out a soft sigh as he thought back on your slightly odd exchange. He didn’t know you, but he knew he wanted to know you. And he had the perfect plan.

---

Jaemin probably should have felt bad that he was only visiting his grandma twice as much as he normally would because he was hoping and praying to run into you again. His grandma had sensed something was up, and he didn’t even have to admit to her, she already knew that he had the hots for you. Many of his attempts of being at her house when you were there were successful, and he’d helped you in your daily tasks of helping around the house until you heard the familiar sound of your phone alerting you that it was time to leave. He hated that sound. You saw Jaemin as a happy, positive soul, who would do anything to make you laugh. It worked, he often had you in absolute stitches with his comical stories about his friends and the pranks they played on each other. He found out a lot about your life, like how you came from a large family, the oldest of four children and you still lived with your parents due to your job not paying a huge amount of money. He was curious to know why you didn’t bother going to university, instead jumping straight into work life. When he’d asked, you’d simply told him that you just couldn’t wait to start your life, not wanting to spend anymore time in education. It was when you expressed your want to get married and have kids within the next ten years that had Jaemin’s head confirming what his heart was thinking. He had a huge crush on you. It was after you’d found out that the numbers written on his neck signified the date of his grandmothers’ birth, that you realised you had a big fat crush on him too. Jaemin always wore long sleeves shirts, or hoodies, so you didn’t know if he had anymore tattoos on his body apart from the neck tattoo and the rose tattoo on the back of his right hand. But you were curious to find out.

With a stomach full of butterflies, a whole month after your first encounter, Jaemin had finally asked you out. So that’s why you found yourself sat opposite the beautiful boy in a café at 1pm on your day off. His hair was now a light pink, and you thought it suited his face and personality perfectly. He had on a long-sleeved white shirt, with black skinny jeans and a leather jacket. It completing his aesthetic off flawlessly. Also you’d gotten to ride in his fancy car, which was exciting in its own, since you’d never been in a car that expensive before. Jaemin sipped at his black coffee, his eyes meeting your own and causing a tender smile to tug at his lips as he continued on with his story.

“And Jiyeon, Renjun’s daughter, threatened to pee on the floor if she didn’t get a cookie. You should have seen Chenle’s face, it was a comedy gold!” He laughed at the memory, picking at the muffin between you both. He had told you about all of his friends, so you were kind of keeping up with the names. He talked about Chenle a lot.

“Did she get the cookie?” You needed to know how the story finished, your eyes sparkling as you found out more and more about the mysterious boy opposite you. So far all you knew was that his grandmother raised him because his mother was a drug abuser, she died recently, and he lived with the boys he saw as brothers, which included the kids and girlfriends of said brothers. He’d also dished out the gossip on Haechan’s current girlfriend being Jeno’s ex-girlfriend, and Jeno now being blind with a baby on the way. Quite the scandal.

“Of course she did! Uncle Nana gave it to her.” He smiled widely and raised his eyebrows. You titled your head in confusion.

“Uncle Nana?” You asked, curiosity in your tone about this mysterious Uncle Nana.

“That’s me, my last name is Na, so I got the nickname Nana when I was growing up. Nana is easier to say than Jaemin when you’re a toddler.” He popped some of the muffin into his mouth and licked his lips.

“Cute!” Your eyebrows raised and you gazed at him with adoration in your eyes.

“You think so?” He winked, loving all the attention you bestowed upon him, even if cute wasn’t really the image he was going for.

“Mhm!” You sipped at your lemonade and gazed out of the window, seeing Jaemin’s car parked where you’d both left it and turning back to Jaemin. “You must have a good job to afford a car that…wow!” You didn’t miss the way Jaemin’s eyes avoided your gaze, leading you to believe there was more to him owning the car than just a normal job.

“I…okay I’m going to be transparent with you.” He sat up in his chair, leaning in closer to you across the table so that he could lower his voice, audible for only you to hear. “I race cars. That’s not my only car, I have a garage with four other cars in it and I race them to earn my living.” He kept his eyes locked with yours, trying to determine your reaction simply from the look in your eyes. Jaemin liked to think he was good at reading people. He’d been doing it his whole life, having experienced plenty of different emotions from people throughout his life. He couldn’t see anything other than question in your eyes as your narrowed them, trying to wrap your head around it.

“Oh!...is it…legal?” You whispered, running your hand up and down your glass, the condensation on the cold glass smearing and forming little droplets of water under the ministrations of your fingertips. He shook his head, an awkward smile marring his beautiful features.

“No, it’s not. If you get caught racing, you get fined. If you get caught racing more than once, you get your vehicle seized and fined. Then its three strikes and you’re out. Prison time is the punishment for getting caught a third time.” His words had your mouth opening in shock, a little gasp leaving your throat.

“Have you ever been caught?” You didn’t really know how to feel about his confession. You hadn’t ever thought about your opinions on illegal street racing, and it wasn’t fair for you to make a quick judgement about something you knew nothing about, despite it being illegal. It wasn’t really any of your business, so you didn’t care too much. The way you saw it, if you didn’t do anything illegal yourself, then you weren’t in the wrong.

“Nope, I have come close, but no, I’m pretty good at outrunning the police.” He smirked, clearly proud of himself as he sipped at his coffee. “If you aren’t comfortable with it, then we haven’t got to talk about it. I can keep it quiet from you, or we could…go our separate ways after I take you home. It’s your decision.” He sounded slightly sad as he spoke the last words, his head lowering slightly to watch your fingers playing with your glass.

“Oh, no! I…er…like you a lot, and I want to see you again, obviously only if you want to!” Your cheeks felt like they were about to burst into flames, your heart suddenly making you aware of its existence in your chest.

“I want to.” His voice was soft, and his hand snaked across the table to detach your hand from your glass. He wound your fingers together and a pink tinge that resembled the pink rose tattoo on the back of his hand flared up on his cheeks.

“Cool!” You blurted out and then used your free hand to face palm, cringing at your random word vomit.

“Very cool.” Jaemin laughed with you, grabbing your hand to pull it away from your face. “I guess we’re both just super cool!” You both visibly cringed at that and sniggered.

---

The next week was a complete rush for you. But a good rush, a rush you wouldn’t change. You had work five days out of seven, and as soon as your shift had finished, Jaemin would pick you up from your house, and whisk you away on a date. So far, you’d eaten in 7 different restaurants and had enjoyed every single minute of your time with your new boyfriend. That’s right, boyfriend. The two of you made it official on date number three after you both realised that you were basically perfect for each other. The night had ended in a sweet kiss and a long cuddle on your doorstep, which your siblings had roasted you for when you’d walked through the door, because obviously they’d been spying on your from the window as soon as they heard the loud purr of Jaemin’s car stop outside. And on your two days off, Jaemin had spent the both of days entertaining you and impressing you with his date spots. One of your favourite moments was when Jaemin had asked you if you trusted him whilst he was driving. You didn’t even hesitate to give him a quick nod and utter ‘yes’. You felt such a rush inside of you when the car speed up so fast that you felt yourself being pushed into your seat. You also felt a rush at how quickly you’d put your trust in a man you had only known for a month, a man who had admitted to doing illegal things. Jaemin had kept glancing at you, his heart blooming with an unfamiliar feeling when he saw the look of pure joy etched on your angelic face as you found elation in his passion. Of course he kept his driving on the safer side in order not to scare you, and even though he was confident in his driving abilities, keeping you safe was his new priority.

Day number 8 of your date streak found you sitting in Jaemin’s bedroom, legs folded underneath you as you sat opposite Jaemin with a glass of wine in your hand, one of his large hoodies covering up your cocktail dress to keep you warm. You’d been to a bar with him hours earlier, and you’d both drank a little bit too much. So his invite for you to join him in his bedroom had quickly been accepted, and there you sat, sipping at your wine as you laughed at a corny joke he’d cracked.

“Jaemiiiin,” You whined endearingly, leaning your forehead on his shoulder and hiccupping. “I want to know more about you, we should play never have I ever!” Your tipsy brain had you thinking that was the best idea ever, and Jaemin seemed to think the same thing, as he jumped at the opportunity, causing you to sit back again and grin at him.

“Okay! Me first.” He cleared his throat and took a quick mouthful of beer. “Okay, never have I ever…tried oysters.” You sniggered at his choice of words, furrowing your eyebrows at him and not raising your glass.

“I haven’t either! Okay, never have I ever…smoked a cigarette.” He rolled his eyes and raised his bottle of beer to his lips, gulping down a mouthful before pausing to rack his brain for things he hadn’t ever done.

“Never have I ever worn high heels!”

“Oh come on that’s not fair!” You squeal but didn’t hesitate to take a big swig of your wine. “Fine, I’m turning the heat up. Never have I ever had sex anywhere other than on a bed.” You were actually taken aback when he made no effort to drink, a smirk growing on his face. “You haven’t?!” You raised your eyebrows, placing your glass of wine on his bedside table and shuffling closer to him on your knees. He shook his head, biting his bottom lip as he placed his hands gently on your hips, guiding you into his lap.

“You’re surprised.” He laughed softly at his observation, his eyes flicking down to your lips before he leaned in and placed a lingering, hot kiss to your parted lips.

“You’re so hot and kind, I just thought you’d be…kind of experienced in that department.” His lips nipped at your own lips, drawing a silkey kiss between you with his tongue coming out to trace the lining on your bottom lip. “Your turn.” You whispered, sitting all of your weight onto his crotch, confident with how he pulled you closer to his own, warm body. He took a deep breath, a deep laugh vibrating from his chest as he kissed down to your jaw, leaving hot kisses on your smooth skin. His next confession had your heart pounding in adoration and your mouth popping open in surprise.

“Never have I ever…had sex.”

---

So this is the start to the end main parts of the series! What are we thinking is going to happen? Let me know! (Please be nice lol) <3

[star-anise]

An ask I got recently:

hi so i’m a transmed and i’m not sure if you’ll answer this because of that but i saw your post about transmedicalism and was wondering if you could expand on that? you seem like a genuinely kind and judgement-free person, thank you darling x

My response:

Heh, you call me “judgement-free” and ask for my opinion on a topic I’ve formed a lot of judgments about… I get it though, I’m not into attacking people for what they believe so much as providing FACTS. As a cis queer, my insight into transmedicalism isn’t really about the innate experience of trans-ness so much as using my education and professional experience to talk about social science research, diagnostic systems, and public health policy.

This ended up really long, so the tl;dr is, I think transmedicalism as I understand it:

Misunderstands why and how the DSM’s Gender Dysphoria diagnosis was written,

Treats the medical establishment with a level of trust and credibility it doesn’t deserve, at a time when LGBT+ people, especially trans people, need to be informed and vigilant critics of it, and

Approaches the problem of limited resources in an ass-backwards way that I think will end up hurting the trans community in the long run.

TW: Transphobia; homophobia; suicide; institutionalization; torture; electroshock therapy; child abuse; incidental mentions of pedophilia.

So first off I’m guessing you mean this post, about not trusting the medical establishment to tell you who you are? That’s what I’m trying to elaborate on here.

I have to admit, when you say “I’m a transmedicalist” that tells me very little about you, because on Tumblr the term seems to encompass a dizzying array of perspectives. Some transmedicalists believe in what seems to me the oldschool version of “The only TRUE trans people suffer agonizing dysphoria that can only be fixed with surgery and hormones, everyone else is an evil pretender stealing resources and can FUCK RIGHT OFF” and others are like, um… “I have total love and respect for nonbinary and nondysphoric trans people! I qualify for a DSM diagnosis of dysphoria but that doesn’t make me inherently better or more trans than anyone else.”

Which is very confusing to me because according to everything I’ve learned, the latter opinion is not transmedicalism. It’s just… a view of transness that acknowledges current diagnostic labels and scientific research. It’s what most people who support trans rights and do not identify as transmedicalists believe. But I kind of get the impression that Tumblr transmedicalism has expanded well past its original mandate, to the point that if a lot of “transmedicalists” saw the movement’s original positions they’d go “Whoa that’s way too strict and doesn’t help our community, I want nothing to do with it.”.

Okay so. Elaborating on the stuff I can comment on.

1. DSM what?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes a big thick book called The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, called the DSM for short. This is the “Bible of psychiatry”, North America’s definitive listing of mental disorders and conditions. It receives significant revision and updates roughly every 10-15 years; it was last updated in 2013, meaning it will likely get updated sometime between 2023 and 2028.

The DSM lists hundreds of “codes”, each of which indicates a specific kind of mental disorder. For example, 296.23 is “Major depressive disorder, Single episode, Severe,” and  300.02 is “Generalized anxiety disorder.” These codes have information on how common the condition is, how it’s diagnosed, and what kind of treatment is appropriate for it.

Diagnostic codes are the key to health professionals getting paid. If there isn’t a code for it, we can’t get paid for it, and therefore we have very few resources to treat it with. The people who actually pay for healthcare–usually insurance companies or government agencies–decide how much they will pay for each code item to be treated. They’ll pay for, say, three sessions of group therapy for mild depression (296.21), or they’ll pay for more expensive private therapy if it’s moderate (296.22); they’ll pay for the cheap kind of drug if you have severe depression (296.23), but to get the more expensive drug, you need to have depression with psychotic features (296.24).

Healthcare companies, especially in the USA where the system is very very broken and the DSM is written, are cheap bastards. If they can find an excuse not to fund some treatment, they’ll use it. “We think this person who lost their job and can’t get off the couch should pay this $1000 bill for therapy,” they’ll say. “After all, they were diagnosed as code 296.21, and then saw a private therapist for five sessions, when we only allow three sessions of group therapy, and you’re saying they haven’t had enough treatment yet?”

A lot of the advocacy work mental health professionals do is trying to get the big funding bodies to pay us adequately for the work we do. (This is a much easier process in countries with single-payer healthcare, where this negotiation only needs to be done with a single entity. In the USA, it needs to be done with every single health insurance company in existence, as well as the government, sometimes differently in every single state, and then again on a case-by-case basis as well.) Healthcare providers have to argue that three sessions of group therapy isn’t enough, that Medicaid needs to pay therapists more per hour than it costs those therapists to rent a room to practice in, or else therapists would lose money by seeing Medicaid clients. DSM codes exist a tiny bit to let us communicate with each other about the people we treat, and a huge amount to let us get paid. The fact that their existence lets people make sense of their own experiences and find a community with people who share common experiences and interests with them is a very minor side benefit the DSM’s authors really don’t keep in mind when they update and revise different diagnoses.

So when it comes to convincing insurance companies to pay for treatment, humanitarian reasons like “they’ll be very unhappy without it” tend not to work. The best argument we have for them paying for psychological treatment is that it’s economical: that if they don’t pay for it now, they’ll have to pay even more later. If they refuse to pay, let’s say, $2000 to treat mild depression when someone loses their job, and either refuse treatment or stick the person with the bill, then that person’s life might spiral out of control–they might, let’s say, run low on money, get evicted from their apartment, develop severe depression, attempt suicide, and end up in hospital needing to be medically resuscitated and then put in an inpatient psych ward for a month. The insurance company then faces the prospect of having to pay, let’s say, $100,000 for all that treatment. At which point somebody clever goes, “Huh, so it would have been cheaper to just… pay the original $2000 instead so they could bounce back, get a new job, and not need any of this treatment later.”

Trans healthcare can be kind of expensive, since it often involves counselling, years of hormone therapy, medical garments, and multiple surgeries. Health insurance companies hate paying for anything, and have traditionally wanted not to cover any of this. “This is ridiculous!” they said. “These are elective cosmetic treatments, it’s not like they’re dying of cancer, these people can pay the same rate for breast enhancements or testosterone injections as anyone else.”

So when the APA Task Force on Gender Identity Disorder (a task force comprised, as far as I can tell, entirely of cis people) sat down to plan for the 2013 update of the DSM, one of their biggest goals was: Treatment recommendations. Create a diagnosis which they could effectively use to advocate that insurance companies fund gender transition. Like when you go back and read the documents from their meetings in 2008 and 2011, their big thing is “create a diagnosis that can be used to form treatment recommendations.” So that’s what they did; in 2013 they made the GD diagnosis, and in 2014 the Affordable Care Act required insurers to provide treatment for it.

A lot of trans people weren’t happy with the DSM task force’s decisions, such as the choice to keep “Transvestic Fetishism,” which is basically the autogynephilia theory, and just rename it “Transvestic Disorder”. The creation of the Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, basically, was designed to force the preventive care argument. They didn’t think they could win on trans healthcare being a necessity because healthcare is a human right, so they went with: Trans people have a very high suicide rate, and one way to bring it down is to help them transition. One of the major predictors of suicidality is dysphoria. The more dysphoric someone is, the more likely they are to attempt suicide (source).  Therefore, health insurers should fund treatment for gender dysphoria because it was cheaper than paying for emergency room admissions and inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations.

I have spoken to trans scientists about what research exists, and my understanding is: The dysphoria/no dysphoria split is not actually validated in the science. That is, when you research trans people, there is not some huge gaping difference between the experiences, or brains, of people With Dysphoria, and people Without Dysphoria. Mostly, scientists haven’t even thought it was an important distinction to study. The diagnosis wasn’t reflecting a strong theme in the research about trans experiences; that research showed that trans people with all levels of dysphoria were helped with medical transition. The biggest difference is just that dysphoria is a stronger risk factor for suicide. Experiencing transphobia is another strong risk factor, but that’s harder to measure in a doctor’s office, so dysphoria it was.

(I’ve seen some transmedicalists claim that dysphoria’s major feature is incongruence, not distress. And I’ll just say, uh… in psychology, “dysphoria” is the opposite of of “euphoria”, literally means “excessive pain”, and is used in many disorders to describe a deep-seated sense of distress and wrongness. As a mental health professional, I just can’t imagine most of my colleagues agreeing that something can be called “dysphoria” if the person doesn’t feel real distress about it. If you want a diagnosis that doesn’t demand dysphoria, you’d need Gender Incongruence in the upcoming version of the ICD-11, which is the primary diagnostic system used in Europe, published by the World Health Organization.)

2. Doctors are not magic

Medicine is a science, and science is a system of knowledge based on having an idea, testing it against reality, and revising that knowledge in light of what you learned. We’re learning and growing all the time.

I don’t know if this sounds painfully obvious or totally groundbreaking, but: Basically all medical research is done by people who don’t have the condition they’re writing about. Psychology has a strong historical bias against believing the personal testimonies of people with conditions that have been deemed mental disorders, so researchers who have experienced the disorder they’re writing about have often had to hide that fact, like Kay Redfield Jamison hiding that she had bipolar disorder until she became a world-renowned expert on it, or Marsha Linehan hiding that she had borderline personality disorder until she pioneered the treatment that could effectively cure it. Often, having a condition was seen as proof you couldn’t actually have a truthful and objective experience of it.

So what I’m trying to say is: The “gender dysphoria” diagnosis was written and debated, so far as I can tell, by entirely cis committee members. The vast majority of psychological and psychiatric research about LGBT+ people is written by cisgender heterosexual scientists. Most clinical and scientific writing has been outsider scientists looking at people they have enormous power over and making decisions about their basic existence with very little accountability.

And to show you how far we’ve come, I want to show you part of the DSM as it was from 1952 to 1973. It shows you just why so many older LGBT+ people find it deeply ironic that now the DSM is being held up as definitive of trans experience:

302 Sexual Deviation This category is for individuals whose sexual interests are directed primarily toward objects other than people of the opposite sex, toward sexual acts not usually associated with coitus, or towards coitus performed under bizarre circumstances as in necrophilia, pedophilia, sexual sadism, and fetishism. Even though many find their practices distasteful, they remain unable to substitute normal sexual behavior for them. This diagnosis is not appropriate for individuals who perform deviant sexual acts because normal sexual objects are not available to them.

302.0 Homosexuality 302.1 Fetishism 302.2 Pedophilia 302.2 Transvestitism […]

Yes, really. That is how psychiatry viewed us. At a time when research from other fields, like psychology and sociology, were showing that this view was completely unsupported by evidence, psychiatry thought LGBT+ people were fundamentally disordered, criminal, and incapable of prosocial behaviour.

My favourite retelling of the decades of activism it took LGBT+ people and allies to get the DSM to change is from a friend who did her master’s thesis on the topic, because she leaves in the clown suits and gay bars, which really shows how scientific and dignified the process was. The long story short is:  It took over 20 years of lobbying by LGBT+ people who were sick and tired of being locked up in mental institutions and subjected to treatments like electroshock training, as well as by LGBT+ social scientists, clinicians, and psychiatrists, to get homosexuality declassified as a mental illness. And that was homosexuality; the push to change how trans people were listed in the DSM is very recent, as seen in the latest version listing “Transvestic Disorder”, a description very few trans people ever use for themselves.

Here are a few more examples of how people with a condition have had to take an active part in the science about them:

When HIV/AIDS appeared in the USA, the government didn’t care why drug addicts and gay people were dying mysteriously. Hospitals refused to treat people with this mysterious new disease. AIDS patients had to fight to get any funding put into what AIDS is, how it spreads, or how it could be treated; they also had to campaign to change the massive public prejudice against them, so they could be treated, housed, and allowed to live. Here’s an article on the activist tactics they used. If you want an intro to the fight (or at least, white peoples’ experience of it), you could look into the movies How to Survive a Plague, And the Band Played On, and The Normal Heart.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a little-understood disease that causes debilitating exhaustion. It’s found twice as often in women as men. Doctors understand very little about what it is or why it happens, and patients with CFS are often written off a lazy hypochondriacs who just don’t want to try hard. There are basically no known treatments. In 2011, a British study said that an effective treatment for CFS was “graded exercise”, a program where people did slowly increasing levels of physical activity. This flew in the face of what people with CFS knew to be true: That their disease caused them to get much worse after they exercised. That for them, being forced to do ever-increasing exercise was basically tantamount to torture, so it was very concerning that health authorities and insurance companies began requiring that they undergo graded exercise treatment (and parents with children with CFS had to put their children through this treatment, or lose custody for “medical neglect”). So they investigated the study, found that it was seriously flawed, got many health authorities to reverse their position on graded exercise, and have made strides into pointing researchers to looking into biological causes of their illness.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a rare but debilitating disease that isn’t researched much, because it affects such a small portion of the population. The ALS community realized that if they wanted better treatment, they would need to raise the money for research themselves. In 2014 they organized a viral “ice bucket challenge” to get people to donate to their cause, and raised $115 million, enough to make significant advances in understanding ALS and getting closer to a cure.

A common treatment for Autism is Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA), which is designed to encourage “desired” behaviours and discourage “undesired” ones. The problem is, the treatment targets behaviour an Autistic person’s parents and teachers consider desirable or undesirable, without consideration that some “undesired” behaviours (like stimming) are fundamental and necessary to the wellbeing of Autistic people. Furthermore, the treatment involves punishing Autistic children for failure to behave as expected–in traditional ABA, by witholding rewards or praise until they stop, or in more extreme cases, by subjecting them to literal electric shocks to punish them. (In that last case, they’ve been ordered to stop using the shock devices by August 31, 2020. That only took YEARS.) Autistic people have had to campaign loud and long to say that different treatment strategies should be researched and used, especially on Autistic children.

So I mean… I get that the medical model can provide an element of validation and social acceptance. It can feel really good to have people in white coats back you up and say you’re the real deal. But if you get in touch with most LGBT+ and transgender groups, they’d say that there’s still a lot of work to be done when it comes to researching trans issues and getting scientific and governmental authorities to recognize your rights to social acceptance and medical treatment.

Within a few years, the definition you’re resting on will turn to sand beneath your feet. The Great DSM Machine will begin whirring into life pretty soon and considering what revisions it has to make. You’ll have an opportunity to make your voice heard and to push for real change. So… do you want to be part of that process of pushing trans rights forward, or do you just want to feel loss because they’re changing your strict definition of who’s valid and who’s not?

3. Scarcity is not a law of physics

One of the major arguments I see transmedicalists push is that there’s only a limited number of surgeries or hormone prescriptions available, so it’s not okay for a non-dysphoric person to “steal” the resources that another trans person might need more. This makes sense in a limited kind of way; it’s a good way to operate if, say, you’re sharing a pizza for lunch and deciding whether to give the last slice to someone who’s hungry and hasn’t eaten, or someone who’s already full.

When you start to back up and look at really big and complex systems–basically anything as big, or bigger, than a school board or a hospital or a municipal government–it’s not a helpful lens anymore. Because the most important thing about social institutions is that they can change. We can make them change. And the most important factor in how much the world changes is how many people demand that it change.

I’ve talked about this before when it comes to homeless shelters, and how the absolute worst thing they can have are empty beds. I used to work in women’s shelters, which came about when second-wave feminists started seriously looking at the problem of domestic violence in the 1960s and 70s, It was an issue male-dominated governments and healthcare systems hadn’t taken seriously before, but feminists started heck and did research and staged demonstrations and basically demanded that organizations that worked for the “public benefit” reduce the number of women being killed by their husbands. Their research showed that the leading cause of death in those cases were when women tried to leave and their partners tried to kill them, so the most obvious solution was to give them someplace safe to go where their partners couldn’t find them. Therefore the solution became: Women’s shelters. When feminists committed to founding and running these shelters, local governments could be talked into giving them money to keep them running.

(Men’s rights activists, the misogynist kind, like to whine about “why aren’t there men’s shelters?” and the very simple answer is: Because you didn’t fight for them, you teatowels. Whether a movement gets resources and funding is hugely a reflection of how many people have said, “This needs resources and funding! Look, I’m writing a cheque! Everyone, throw money at this!” In other news, The BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse does great work. People should throw money at them.)

When the system in power knows there are resources it wants and doesn’t have, it finds a way to make them appear. For example, in Canada, the government knows that it doesn’t have enough trained professionals living in its far North, where the population is scarce and not very many people want to live. Doctors and teachers would prefer to live in the southern cities. But because it’s committed to Northern schools and hospitals, they create incentives. For example, the government offers to pay off the student loans of teachers or health professionals who agree to work for a few years in Northern communities.

Part of why trans healthcare resources are so scarce is that for a long time, trans people were considered too small a part of the population to care about. Like, “Trans people exist, but we won’t have to deal with them.” Older estimates said 0.4% of the population was trans, which meant a city of 100,000 people would have 400 trans people. A single family doctor can have 2000 or 3000 clients, so the city could have maybe 1 or 2 doctors who really “got” trans issues, and all the trans people would tell each other to only go see those doctors because all the rest were assholes. And the cracks in the system didn’t really seem serious. A couple hundred dissatisfied people not getting the healthcare they needed? Meh! Hospital administrators had more to worry about!

But the trans population is growing. A recent poll of Generation Z said 2.6% of middle schoolers in Minnesota were some kind of trans. which is 2,600 per 100,000. That’s enough to make hospitals think that maybe the next endocrinologist or OB/GYN they hire should have some training in treating trans people. That’s enough to make a health authority think that maybe the state should open up a new gender confirmation surgery clinic, since demand is rising so much.

Or well, I mean. Hospitals have a lot on their minds. This might not occur to them as their top priority. They’d probably think of it a lot sooner if a bunch of those trans people sent them letters or took out a billboard or showed up by the dozens at a public meeting to say, “Hello, there are a fuckload of us. Budget accordingly. We want to see your projected numbers for the next five years.”

When you’re doing that kind of work, suddenly it hurts your cause to limit your number of concerned parties. Sure, limited focus groups or steering committees can have limited membership, but when you put their ideas into action, to protest something or lobby for political change, you need numbers. If you want to show that you’re a big and important group that systems should definitely pay attention to, you don’t just need every trans or GNC or NB person who’s got free time to devote to your campaign, you also need every cis ally who can pad out numbers or lick envelopes or hand out water bottles or slip you insider information about the agenda at the next board meeting. You need bodies, time, and money, and you get them best by being inclusive about who’s in your party. Heck, if it would benefit your cause to team up with the local breast cancer group because trans women and cis women who have had mastectomies both have an interest in asking a hospital to have a doctor on staff who knows how to put a set of tits together, then there are strong reasons to do it.

Basically: All the time any marginalized group spends fighting over scraps is generally time we could spend demanding that the people handing out the food give us another plate. If you don’t think you’re getting enough, the best answer isn’t to knock it out of somebody’s hands, but to get together to say, “HEY! WE’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH!”

That kind of work is complicated and difficult! It’s definitely much harder than yelling at someone on Tumblr for not being trans enough. But if you do any level of getting involved with activist groups that fight for real systemic change, whether that’s following your local Pride Centre on Twitter or throwing $5 at a trans advocacy group or writing your elected representative about the need for more trans health resources, you’re pushing forward lasting change that will help everyone.

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: April

Part 1 | Part 2: November | Part 3: January

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 2.1k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old. 

Taglist: @ohchoices @dulceghernandez @aylamwrites @binny1985 @ramseysno1rookie @interobanginyourmom @queencarb @imactuallytheceoofthecompany @rookiefromedenbrook @eramsey28 @choicesficwriterscreations

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They seemingly had put this event behind them. The couple moved through the motions of daily life as shadows of who they used to be. They kept a routine and followed it to a T - Ethan profoundly thankful for the false sense of normalcy for which it gave. He could rest easier knowing they were almost in sync again. But unbeknownst to him, Rebecca thought about their unborn child and the life they could have had every single day. 

Becca’s pride still kept her from seeking help. She didn’t want to bother Ethan anymore with the what-ifs and could-have-beens. She believed he truly had moved on and forgotten - he didn’t seem weighed down by their decision anymore, his eyes weren’t as heavy as hers anymore. 

She had gotten very good at pretending she wasn’t being swallowed alive. Every morning she dressed herself in her best clothes, would put her makeup on carefully over her weaknesses, and paint a smile on her face all the while thinking of the little imaginary bundle sleeping in their pristine second bedroom. In her mind she and Ethan turned the spare bedroom into a pink and white haven of a nursery after days of arguing over textures and color schemes wanting everything to be perfect for her. The thought of her baby’s peaceful, scrunchy face gave Becca the courage to continue on.   

At work Becca tried very hard to avoid the overgrown concern of her friends and the other members of the diagnostics team but there was no escape. She had been back at work for nearly four months and they’ve all seen her destructive and desolate actions - from not sleeping to overworking and constant avoidance of any sort of personal actions. One day at lunch Sienna and Kyra tried to get her to open up but Becca put on her curated mask and distanced herself further. 

“Hey,” Sienna said with all the courage she could muster. “How's life at Ramsey’s?” she asked as she sat down across from her best friend whom she spotted alone at a corner table and staring at the wall. 

Becca’s eyes were void of emotion, just hollow spheres staring back at two of her dearest allies. Her chicken and avocado salad remained closed and untouched with not even a fork in sight. Between Sienna’s uncertainty and Becca’s disinterest the air around them was cumbrous.  

“Are you gettin’ it all the time?” Kyra tried to lighten the mood with an eyebrow wiggle as she took her seat next to Sienna. 

Becca took a second to contort her features before answering, needing to muster up enough strength so her voice didn’t sound as weak as the two pairs of concerned chocolate eyes boring down on her made her feel. 

“It’s good,” she forced through a weak smile hoping her friends bought it for joy. “Weird...but also in a good way?” 

It was weird in the sense that Becca still knew Ethan didn’t believe in marriage or children, and yet he made the leap. He pushed himself and solidified her as his partner - his life partner with a set of keys, name on the bills and all. On paper as far as litigation was concerned Ethan and Rebecca were on their way to a civil partnership. Although she doubted they would make it that far. It’s only been a few months. We could still break up… 

On edge, Sienna took a big gulp of air in hope that she worded her next question just right, “Are you happy?”  

Her eyes searched her broken friend’s features for any indication of the truth. 

“Yes,” Becca replied meekly. 

“I’m worried about you,” Sienna whispered back. 

Kyra broke the trance between the two hurting girls and added just as softly, “We’re all worried about you.”  

Becca shifted her weight towards Kyra. 

“I’m fine,” with great effort she etched a small convincing smile into her features. 

Her eyes met Kyra’s and for a second she felt guilty for keeping this a secret - for worrying her one friend that should be enjoying her new lease on life. Kyra has been in remission for the last six months after undergoing a risky and experimental surgery last year. On top of her shallowness, Becca now regretted not being able to let Kyra lead the carefree life she battled so ruthlessly to get. 

“Just busy with everything going on. Ethan’s been having me shadow tough cases,” Becca lied. Ethan didn’t want her anywhere near the most disastrous of cases for fear something would set her off and she’d crumble back into that dark hole once and for all. But Becca didn’t listen. She would tag along with June and Baz, Ethan unable to stop her without letting the cat out of the bag. 

Kyra didn’t waver in calling her out, “Becca, we’ve barely seen you since you moved out.” 

Looking down at the table, the insecure friend with a weight permanently lodged in her chest said, “We have a lot going on.”  

“Can we talk about it?” Sienna all but begged, “I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.”  

Becca brushed off the notion with a shake of her head, “It’s nothing.” 

Kyra’s hand reached across the table for Becca’s, “You know you can tell us anything, right? We’ll still love you.”  

They may still love me but they’ll never look at me the same way. They’ll never see just Becca, they’ll see me as the failed mother that I am. 

Becca folded her hands in her lap and sat taller. Looking between the two before her, she responded, “I love you too.” 

  The only person not throwing a pity party at Becca’s expense in the slightest was Dr. June Hirata. For that she was actually grateful for the arrogant and manipulative doctor on her team. Although psychological behavior is her trade, June did her best to keep her questions and analysis of Becca to herself. No point in igniting that fire again, June thought as she reminded herself of the time Becca scolded her for reading her employee file behind her back way back when. 

June knew ever since that encounter that Rebecca regarded her with extreme contempt, however one day she just couldn’t stop the gnawing desire to know why Dr. Rebecca Lao so adamantly avoided working on cases with her boyfriend after watching the two not-so-subtly stare each other down at daily briefing. 

“What’s going on with you lately?” June so casually asked as they walked in stride through the illuminated walls of Edenbrook to their next patient’s room - a four year old boy who hadn't had a bowel movement in weeks and the warning signs of vertigo.  

“Nothing,” Becca muttered firmly before dismissing, “Don’t worry about it, June.” 

“Whatever you say, Dr. Lao.” Although Becca wasn’t looking at her she could feel Dr. Hirata’s harsh eye roll. “Trouble in paradise?” the British doctor added, shooting her shot. 

Not only did June make notes of Becca’s recent behavior, she noticed how Ethan had changed over the last few months as well. At one point the hair on his chin was longer and more unkempt than she’d ever seen. His facial features were older as if he carried a burden - one much bigger than his previous hardship of holding onto Naveen’s secret years ago. Dr. Hirata never thought she’d seen this statuesque man crumble any lower than when he thought his dear friend was on death row. 

June observed how Ethan was on edge and snapped easily during those early weeks of the incident. Then he seemed to tiptoe around Rebecca at work, secretly reassigning some of her cases or running the tests himself behind her back. Now more recently she noted that the pair avoided working one-on-one. He was protecting something and the thought of not knowing irked Dr. Hirata to no end. 

I know I’d want to work closely with my boyfriend every chance I got. 

It wasn’t a secret Ethan and Becca were dating, Elijah let it slip to a few of the nurse’s by accident once long before. Even if he didn't, anyone who spent enough time with the two doctor’s could feel the undeniable chemistry that radiated off of them - the pure unadulterated adoration they shared even in the darkest of times.   

“It’s none of your business,” Becca snapped as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from letting her emotions take over. 

Rebecca knew her relationship with Ethan was far from what it once was. They didn’t have the same banter anymore or playfully debate to get in the last word. They found it increasingly complicated to challenge one another now; neither wanting to push the other too far. They were fragile. They were a window - the thick glass of their relationship looking ahead but also peeking back into the other side, constantly and simultaneously staring back at what once was and what’s to come. One small stone could break them - only having to find the spot with the most tension and they’d shatter. 

Ethan and Becca continuously strived to bring back the passion they once shared. She would take him out to dinner or to his sacred box at the opera, things she knew were convivial and released his stress. Ethan would plan dates to Naveen’s cabin where they could spend some time enjoying the outdoors, or he would spend countless evenings looking for new and trendy food trucks to drag her too, just like her friends used to do back before. All they wanted was for the other to be happier. 

Sometimes a little gleam would pass through their features, though not long enough for either one to relish in it. 

***

They laid in their king-sized bed wrapped in each other's arms after a grueling day at the hospital. Becca’s head nuzzled in the soft nook where Ethan’s bare chest met the crook of his neck - her favorite spot. The rain poured down sideways outside rapping on the large window with monotonous ticks. Ethan’s eyes stared blankly at the bare ceiling cherishing their comfortable silence while absentmindedly tracing circles over his ratty t-shirt on her back. Both were thankful for the peaceful closeness found in the simplistic nature of snuggling, the intimacy found in the warmth of the other. 

In the safety of their dark bedroom, shielded by Ethan’s embrace and cloaked by the late hour of time Becca found the courage to speak from her heart, 

“What do you think our life would be like if we had it?” 

It’d be six weeks til due date this week.  

“Becca…” Ethan warned. 

A quick surge of unencumbered courage kept her going, “It’d be due in June… Would we be looking at houses or turning the second bedroom into a nursery?” 

He let out a sigh. At least she’s finally talking about it. 

Finally Ethan let themselves indulge in bringing up their future. 

“I’d imagine we’d buy a townhome nearby,” he rationalized, furrowing his brows as he thought of the logistics of making room for baby. He moved his hand up from her back to run his fingers through Becca’s messy hair, still looking at the blank canvas ceiling as he painted the picture. “I like this area; it’s quiet and close to work. We would need a couple more rooms definitely and a backyard for Jenner and…” His hand ceased all motion. “it to play in.” He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge a child - their child. That’s not what the universe had planned for them. 

Letting his words give her security she smiled into his chest and continued the fantasy, “My mom would definitely want to come stay with us the first few months.” Her hand on his chest searched for his free hand in the dark. 

“My dad as well,” he told her matter-of-factly as he laced their fingers together. Ethan let out a preemptive chuckle, “Hell, Naveen would probably move himself in,” he joked and she could hear the happy smirk adorning his lips. She felt his chest rise and fall a little quicker as he laughed to himself at the thought of his mentor being consistently present throughout their children’s lives. In this moment - wrapped up in the dream - everything made sense. 

None of this would be possible without her, he thought with a small shake of his head, thinking of their beginning and how she made all his days all the more bearable. How, through her weaseling, she was able to give Naveen more years than he could have imagined and a family Ethan never thought possible. 

Although the springtime storm raged outdoors the atmosphere around the couple was light and airy. A curated happiness circled around them, begging them to fall into the future.  

“The more the merrier!” she noted happily. Cuddling further into Ethan, needing him to be so much closer. “It takes a village after all.”  

Without thinking Ethan responded with a grin and a kiss to her head, “Our kids won’t be lonely, that’s for sure.” 

Her heart leaped. 

Is he coming around?

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A/N: Whelp. We only have one more part left... i’m not ready for it to be over 😥

like/comment/reblog i need the validation