#Themes of mental health are featured as a key theme in my works and in the backstories of my OCs as I am mentally ill myself and want to

[cablestwisted]

HELL YES OP love this

I have done this as yes [yellow], kind of [orange], no [red]!! Explanations in tags as usual

Throwns Smiler Oc bingo card at Alton Towers fandom

[pienhime]

10 female vtubers who are popular with ryousangata and jirai girls!

Two important things to know before you read any further: I am NOT alleging any of these vtubers to be jirai kei. That'd be incredibly inappropriate for me to do, as I don't know any of them well enough to know if they are a part of the jirai kei subculture. I am simply listing vtubers who seem to be the most popular within the ryousanjirai crowd, that is those whose female fanbase seems to have a higher proportion of ryousanjirai girls than most.

The other thing I'd like to get out of the way is that some vtubers on this list are known for using "menhera" as an insult. Sadly, thats grown popular in the vtuber scene and online spaces in japan. For vtuber fans reading this who think that's a weird thing to say, the word "menhera" has been around since 2001 and was the name given to an internet subculture revolving around mental health safe spaces, awareness, and vent art. Even tho it was literally created to help erase the "mental illness makes you dangerous" thing, the stigma took over once the term went mainstream, so its often used to mean "yandere psycho". The subculture still exists if you know where to look, but barely ever uses the name it gave itself anymore because it attracts trolls, edgelords, and fetishists.

One last thing- a few of these girls fit the "loli" archetype, and consider it a part of their appeal, but no minors will be featured on this list.

absolutely zero past-life discussion

I'll do my best to summarize what the vtuber is known for and the reasons i think are likely why their female fanbase has a larger proportion of ryousanjirai girls.

1. Sakamata Chloe (Hololive HoloX)

Given that she recently got a new outfit that looks a lot like a dark girly kei coord, you've probably seen Chloe on your feed recently. Despite her yamikawaii punk-ish look, she's so cute and probably couldn't survive in the wild if she were a real orca. The "pon" is unreal. Her original songs talk about her own inner pain in a way that may be relatable to jirai girls, and she's covered a lot of songs popular with us too (such as Cute Loving and Devil Janai Mon). Between her cutesiness, choice in fashion, and her songs, it's easy to see why she's loved by jirai kei girls.

2. Minato Aqua (Hololive Gen. 2)

You probably know about Aqua if you follow me, since I just posted a link to one of her more recent song covers. It's one about a ryousangata girl falling in love with a host, and knowing his affection is fake but wanting it anyway. She covers a lot of songs about topics that are familiar to ryousan and jirai girls, like kyuukurarin, darling dance, goodbye declaration, and internet overdose to name a few. Her original songs are also hits with the ryousangata crowd, with "aqua iro palette" being the choice of song in so many tiktoks and reels of ryousan wotas showing off their lavish birthday celebrations for their oshis. She's also a cosplayer, frequently wearing maid outfits, making her relatable to a lot of girls who work at concept cafes. She also did a duet with Shion, a cover of "menhera janai mon", which is a song i often see misinterpreted outside of japan because of the need for cultural context on jirai kei, ryousangata, and menhera both as a subculture and insult. Should I do a post explaining the lyrics and overall themes?

3. Makaino Ririmu (Nijisanji Gamers Generation 3)

Listen. If you're in the jirai kei subculture, I guarantee you've seen Ririmu. This girl's fanart is probably on every jirai kei blog known to man. If you don't recognize this model, you'd recognize the maid outfit with bondage elements thats paired with a coat that looks suspiciously like REFLEM's bunny ears coat (the one that took yamikawa lovers by storm a while back). Ririmu's popularity with jirai kei girls isn't just because she likes similar fashions to most of us. Ririmu has been open about her past suffering with agorophobia, suicidal ideation, and being a NEET. She's shared bits and pieces of her recovery with her fans! Of course, she also does yandere bit that might be more than a bit, and covers a lot of songs popular with ryousan and jirai girls, like more kyun, chuupuri, and vampire.

4. Mikeneko (Indie)

Mikeneko isn't new to the scene at all, but has recently come out of a partly mental health related hiatus to a much larger following than before. Mikeneko collects models like they're pokemon cards, going thru four in total now, two of which have been in one year. She wears tons of yamikawa fashions, and plays up her chuunibyou for streams. Aside from her on-and-off NEETdom, Mikeneko is open about a lot of her health issues, including bipolar, and about her medication and trips to the psychiatric hospital. She calls herself menhera, often in the secondary meaning, but she's also rumored to have been a part of the actual subculture for a long time. Her original songs, drop and you&me ring really true for a lot of jirai and menhera girls such as myself.

5. Meloco Kyoran (Nijisanji EN Generation 7)

Meloco is the only vtuber on this list to be a part of an company's EN (english-speaking) branch. She's included on the list because she's also big in japan- because she's japanese. She's almost fluent in english and was accepted for the english branch, but frequently slips into japanese and appeals to her japanese fans. Her outfit is gothic lolita inspired with bondage elements and plenty of edge, to fit her overall spooky exorcist theming. Her creepy-cute nature and cool alternative onee-san demeanor have attracted her many jirai kei fans, and inspired a lot of ryousan girls' oshi nails.

6. Sukoya Kana (Nijisanji Tulip-gumi Unit)

Admittedly, Kana's probably got more menhera (as in the subculture) fans than jirai or ryousan, but she still has enough that I wanted to include her. Her nurse theming isn't just a gimmick, her actual "day job" is as a nurse. As in, when she's not streaming, she works in a hospital as staff after passing her qualifying exams in 2022! She must be super busy! Her morbid interests and fetishes, as well as her medical themed design, have no doubt appealed to many jirai girls too. Besides that, she's covered a lot of songs, including quite a few beloved by landmines such as lavie, nainai girls pride, and godish.

7. Natori Sana (Indie)

Listen, I just know you've seen her figures by now. Every menhera, yamikawaii, and "cutecore" account in the west has at least one of this nurse girl's figures. She's ultra cute, with a sickeningly sweet smile and design. Her lore is interesting- she claims to work at a sanitarium, but has hinted very heavily many times that she is in fact not a nurse, but a patient in denial. Whether this is just lore for fun and appeal or is a dramatized reflection of Sana's own feelings and mental health is up for speculation.

8. La+ (Laplus) Darkness (HoloX)

Remember that disclaimer regarding using menhera derogatorily earlier? Yeah that's 90% because of Laplus's inclusion on the list. It feels like she accuses someone of being menhera (derogatory) like every other VOD. Apart from that, Laplus is a grade A kusogaki, complete with constant angry outburst when things don't go her way. She's a demon whos intelligence was... "sealed away"... sure. Her gothic appearance and explosive personality seem to be what's gained her such a large jirai kei following.

9. Houshou Marine (Hololive Gen. 3)

Dear god. Alright, so you've definitely heard at least two of her songs if you're on japanese jirai kei SNS at all. This cosplaying pirate is so horny that it's literally considered her catchphrase. Her original songs about wanting to be seen as desirable and be... pleasured seem to be especially popular with landmine girls (which is maybe related to how many jirai girls are in a certain profession). She enjoys gothic lolita fashion, girls love/yuri, and enough fetishes to lose track of if you're counting.

10. Shigure Ui (Indie)

Did you really think I could make this list without including hololive star Oozora Subaru's mom and voice of the song that's plaguing japanese social media, ESPECIALLY landmine social media rn? Sure, it's everywhere, but go check every insta kaiwai dedicated to jirai subculture and see how many of their reels have this song. Even though she's just now broken out to this degree of fame, she's been around a while, and is the "mama" (artist) to several other vtubers. She often collabs with hololive members! She loves taboo fiction, which is also especially popular amongst jirai girls.

Last but not least, I want to add three honorable mentions from Hololive that are also popular with ryousanjirai girls. Tokoyami Towa is a super popular choice of cosplay amongst jirai girls specifically. She has a cute-but-cool look, and lots of her outfits definitely have subcultural influences from japanese ゴスパンク (gothic x punk) and general "egirl"-type styles. Murasaki Shion is a very popular choice of profile pic for ryousanjirai girls, and it's easy to see why. Her "kusogaki" appeal and lolita outfits, as well as her "Menhera Janai Mon" duet with Aqua all appeal to that demographic. Finally, last honorable mention is Amane Kanata, purely because of how popular she is with lovers of Tenshi Kaiwai, which has a lot of overlap with the jirai subculture. She basically predicted the trend before the magazine that popularized it even existed. Mizuiro x white cybercore outfits, a nurse cosplay, and angel theming make her a spot-on icon in that scene.

That's it! Now I have to stop procrastinating on the pien kei characters post...

[twatkcox]

[The Keihancarl Diaries: May 4-5, 2024]

Hi everyone, Keihancarl here. This is the fifth Pinoy Otaku Festival event that I attended, with the first one back in May 2017 (Danketsu), and the third POF event held at Robinson's Novaliches Trade Hall after Asobu (2019) and Shizen (2023).

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This year’s POF theme is Yume (which means dream in Japanese), and the focus of this event is mental health awareness. There are panel discussions about cosplay (as per the schedule), and one of them focuses on its benefits (along with anime and fanfiction) to one’s well-being.

Unlike the previous POF events, I somehow skipped the first day of the three-day event as that falls on a weekday (which is, obviously, Friday) and there won’t be that much crowd there. As usual, the Otaku Choice Awards is held on the first day of the event.

May 4th

And that was the beginning of the amazingly awesome weekend.

I decided to go mostly black on this one, featuring the khaki Naruto shirt from Uniqlo. As I didn’t want to stand out like in the previous POF events I attended, I chose to wear something less fancy, with some of my favorite accessories. Of course, my black fingerless gloves will always be part of my outfit, no matter how special the day is.

I really wanted to go there as early as possible so I did just that. I immediately head to the venue instead of taking a long walk from the adjacent malls first. Reaching the venue, I immediately bought a ticket and headed inside.

The Cosplay Idol Finals were ongoing as soon as I made it inside the venue. I began checking some stalls offering various merchandise, including anime shirts, action figures, collectible cards, stickers, anime and cosplayer prints, and accessories. There's also a booth selling English-language manga and a few other books. I get to see a demonstration of 3D printing at one of the booths, and a retro gaming booth where you can try playing some of the old video games (there's also a Tetris competition). The event’s advocacy partner Angat Buhay had a booth inside as well. And of course, a Godzilla display (like in the previous POF events).

I passed by an interesting stall (40 People In The World) selling cold brew coffee, but the computer keyboard-style packaging intrigued me. I tried a sample of one of their coffee blends. I bought a three-piece box. Kind of pricey, but I think it’s reasonable.

I get to witness some performances (including some of the idol performers for the Aidoru Hour), plus the karaoke battle where one of the contestants perform a Miki Matsubara song (Stay With Me), a Lolita fashion show (plus a discussion), and a SmackDown show (kind of a scripted wrestling type kind of show).

I decided to step out of the event area to have a chicken, Cajun fries, and mashed potato meal at Popeyes (SM Fairview). The mashed potato is finally back on the menu, or I just didn’t notice it earlier.

Going back to the event, I have a few selfie pics with some of the cosplayers. I stayed there for a few more hours until the awarding ceremony. An anime rave party followed soon afterward. I decided to upload the first batch of photos from the second day of the event before moving back to SM Fairview and checking some of the shops there.

Before heading home, I decided to have a cup of caramel ice blend coffee (no whipped cream, unfortunately) at the Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf and work on this TKD post. I stayed there for about 30 minutes.

May 5th

I was really determined to go back for the third and final day of the event. I decided on a wine-red stand-up collar shirt and a black Evangelion shirt.

I arrived around the same time as yesterday and bought a few more items, including pins, stickers, and a small anime figure of Kei Tsukishima (Haikyuu), plus a couple of manga books.

There was a karaoke competition (AniOke Idol), a series of performances by different idol groups and singers (Aidoru Hour Extravaganza), and a cosplay competition (Cosplay Competition League). I also managed to take more selfies with some of the cosplayers. I had an opportunity to take a selfie with AllYellow Joshua, who is one of the event's hosts (the pic is on the last part of the post). And I decided to have my photo taken at the photo booth.

Around 4:30 PM, I decided to leave the venue for a while and had some katsudon and brown sugar milk tea at Tamoya Udon (still in SM Fairview). I previously had an udon dish there two weeks after my birthday.

Heading back, the venue becomes a concert hall with performances by idol groups and singers. One of the special guests Misuru (all the way from Japan) also graced the stage during the Aidoru Hour Extravaganza as well, and she was also at the anime rave party last night.

The Cosplay Championship League (the finals, I think) began around 7:15 PM. Meanwhile, I decided to head to the restroom outside the event and did a little grocery shopping along the way. I headed back to the venue 30 minutes later and stayed until the end of the event. The Lolita Fashion Competition later commenced around past 8:00. The awarding ceremony for both competitions followed after that.

POF 2024: Yume concluded right after the closing message and that ends yet another awesome weekend. The question remains whether the next POF event will be held at the same venue.

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Despite missing the first day of the event and all of the panel discussions, I really enjoyed much of this year's POF event, especially the stage performances. I ended up spending a lot of money on some of the merch, including the manga books. It sure was an awesome weekend.

All right, I'm definitely looking forward to the next POF event next year. But of course, there's also a possibility of attending another otaku event this year. For now, it's back to normal for yours truly, Keihancarl. The upcoming mall-hopping trip will have to wait, though, as Mother's Day is coming up and I really planned on spending it with my mom (I never get to celebrate her birthday, which is a few days prior).

And that's all for the second week of the #TheFourWeekendPlan. Until next time!

P.S.: Choji TV did a Ninong Ry cosplay, too bad I never get to take a selfie pic with him.

All pics are from my Instagram account, @kcox_105.

[nataliefay97]

Week 4: Behind the Scenes of Media Production 🎬

This week, we delved into the inner workings of production processes and key stakeholders within the children and teenage media industry. Exploring this topic is new territory for me, as my educational background is in child and youth care (CYC) and my understanding of media production is limited. However, I gained a lot of valuable insight from this week’s content that I can connect to my area of study.

This week’s readings focused on the ecology of children’s media (Steemers, 2021) and the current landscape of children's media viewership (Steemers & Potter, 2021). My key takeaways from the readings are:

a) children’s media cannot be analysed without considering all the working parts that play a role in media production, and

b) the landscape of children’s media consumption is changing rapidly

Mini Screenings Presentations: Avatar & Wong Fu Productions Short

Today’s class began with two mini screenings featuring a clip from Avatar and a short film by Wong Fu Productions were shown. Although I haven’t watched either of these clips before, the underlying themes and class discussions left an impact on me. Interestingly, it wasn’t until one of my peers mentioned it that I realized Youtuber Ryan Higa’s affiliation with Wong Fu Productions. As a teenager, I was a huge fan of Higa’s YouTube videos.

Although I am not a huge fan of anime-style content, I can appreciate the significant impact anime culture has on young people’s lives. I had an interesting conversation with a couple of peers where we explored the potential of anime shows bridging the gap between children and teenage television content. We discussed how anime’s cartoon style caters to young audiences, however, the storylines grapple with mature themes that are written in a way that is digestible for the tween age. Common themes portrayed in anime include grief, friendships, romantic relationships, and self-discovery.

Class Discussion: Fred Roger’s Clip

During our class, we viewed a short clip featuring Mr. Fred Rogers testifying in a court hearing in the late 1960s. Much of what Mr. Rogers expressed deeply resonated with me as a student in the field of child and youth care (CYC). A peer pointed out the significance of Mr. Rogers advocating for not only mental health but also the mental well-being of children during a time when discussions about mental health were not common. I also appreciated Mr. Rogers' description of television for children as “a form of care”. This statement prompted me to reflect on whether the children’s media production process is coming from a place of love and care for its young audience.

Mr. Rogers also emphasized that children’s media does not necessarily require dramatic storylines and flashy graphics to convey a moral lesson. Instead, it can be simple yet educational, comforting, and involve everyday scenarios.

Guest Speaker Presentation: Erica Shallow on 'Geek Girl'

This week, we had the privilege of hosting Erica Shallow from Nelvana who provided us with the inside scoop of the upcoming series Geek Girl, licensed by Netflix. While I must admit that I did not understand much of the technical lingo beyond how media licensing works, I found Erica’s insights about steps in the production process such what Netflix is looking for in a series pitch in today’s media landscape very interesting. 

I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment when I learned that Geek Girl would not feature a neurodivergent individual in its title role. Nonetheless, I commend Netflix’s commitment to featuring neurodivergent storylines on its platform in recent years. What I wonder though is how the autism community will receive this series. I am further led to reflect on whether this series’ target audience is young people with autism or young people in general. This brings to mind a hot topic that was circulating online autism forums a couple of years ago – the release of Australian musician Sia’s short film, “Music”. The reception of Sia’s work was disastrous, to say the least. The neurodivergent community’s biggest contention with the film was that a non-autistic actress was hired to portray a non-verbal autistic girl. Additionally, a scene depicting the title character being physically restrained drew severe criticism as it was perceived as inappropriate and harmful to the autism community, as these restraints can be unhelpful, violent, and even fatal in some cases. 

Returning to Erica’s presentation, it was interesting to hear the concepts we explored in our reading this week regarding the key players in media production being brought to life behind the scenes of Geek Girl. Erica mentioned the many participants and steps involved in producing a television series, even highlighting the necessary role of lawyers in the process. Additionally, Netflix’s strategic move to license this series aligns with what we’ve learned about children’s recent media consumption habits – children nowadays are more likely to consume media SVODs rather than linear television (Steemers, 2021), (Potter & Steemers, 2021).

References

Avatar: The Last Airbender. (2023, February 4). Appa Escapes the Circus 🎪 | Full Scene | Avatar: The Last Airbender [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0y4qnjnioc

Bugbee, T. (2021, February 11). 'Music' Review: A Woefully Misguided View of Disability. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/11/movies/music-review.html

danieldeibler. (2015, February 8). May 1, 1969: Fred Rogers testifies before the Senate Subcommittee on Communications [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA

Potter, A. & Steemers, J. (2021). Children and the media industries: An overlooked but very special “television” audience. In P. McDonald (Ed.) The Routledge Companion to Media Industries (pp. 246-256), Routledge.

Steemers, J. (2021). Children’s Television Culture. In D. Lemish (Ed.) The Routledge International Handbook of Children, Adolescents, and Media (pp. 101-108), Routledge.

[Untitled Image of Geek Girl Book Cover by HarperCollins side by side with Netflix logo on black background]. (2023). What's on Netflix. https://www.whats-on-netflix.com/news/geek-girl-netflix-sets-new-teen-series-adaptation-06-2023/

[oddevan]

The last straw, I guess

I’m not leaving Twitter, but I’ll be using it a lot less like I used to.

I wish I could leave outright, but I’ve got too many social connections on there that I don’t have elsewhere. People I’ve met in different places that haven’t moved to other places. (Or they have, and I just missed it—which is likely.)

But after a few days of having to use the official app… it feels like Facebook. Or Instagram. A whole lot of stuff that I don’t care about, even when it purports to only show me what I care about (the “Following” timeline). And I don’t just mean advertisements, I mean:

Tweets from people followed by people I follow

Tweets liked by people I follow

Links to accounts that might be interesting to me for some reason

Out-of-order replies or truncated threads

Throw in some obnoxious UI elements like a new tweet button and a banner proclaiming that there are tweets that I have not seen while I am indeed scrolling up to read said tweets, and I feel like I’m squinting to see through a haze of noise to see the one thing I came to see: tweets from people I follow.

People with more experience in the world of Twitter apps (like Manton and Craig and John) have already said their things, but I’ve got two more data points to add.

First, I recognize that this is a pretty pathetic straw to be the one to make me “leave” Twitter. Others have been dealing with rising bigotry, hate, and a general increase in… uncivil behavior on the platform. This has always been there, and it’s been there since well before Twitter was taken private. Since then, though, the platform leadership has made it clear that this will continue in the name of “free speech,” welcoming back some of the most prominent accounts that encouraged said vitrol.

I want to note that this was something I knew was happening but rarely saw. I used Tweetbot instead of the official Twitter app, and it only showed my timeline in order along with any mentions or direct messages. Since someone of my race, religion, gender, and sexual orientation is not typically the target of hate and harassment campaigns, it was something I didn’t experience. But I followed enough accounts and heard enough stories to know that it was happening somewhere; I just didn’t see it.

The problem is the more the Twitter app shows me what’s happening “on the platform” and less of who I’ve chosen—for the sake of my mental health—to listen to, the more I’ll see. I don’t even want to see trending topics much less whatever tweets people are angry about. Tweetbot allowed me to control what I saw on Twitter; the official Twitter app doesn’t. That is why these third-party clients were so important to me.

Second, this has confirmed that Twitter’s new ad-hoc approach to policy also extends to the API. The theme repeated by app developers has been “respect,” or rather the lack thereof: the banning of 3rd-party apps was made with no notice beforehand and no acknowledgement after. It’s also inconsistent: several smaller apps, including the Mac desktop version of Twitteriffic, have yet to be banned. No respect, no communication, no consistency. If nothing else, this shows Twitter is not a stable platform for building on.

Which brings me to Smolblog. I’ve been working on it off-and-on for years now, and one of the key features has always been a Twitter integration that will import posts from and send posts to Twitter. As part of the big refactor, I was rewriting this module to use the new version of Twitter’s API. It wasn’t until I was most of the way in that I learned that there are still key features—like posting images to Twitter—that are simply not available through version 2 of Twitter’s API.

With the growing instability in the API, I simply cannot waste any more time building a feature on an API that is incomplete and could change at a moment’s notice. The change could be in a data structure, or it could be a policy change that would ban Smolblog. With me already feeling “behind schedule” (an attitude to examine later), I need to get core functionality out, and that means putting any Twitter work on the back burner.

So there it is. Twitter stays on my phone, but it gets shoved into the back page with Instagram and Facebook: apps I only touch when I need to. And I’ll likely need to; there are people, things that I can still only get to through Twitter, and asking people to give up their hard-won audience is no easy ask. But this makes the mission of Mastodon, Micro.blog, and every other independent cross-compatible service that much more important. And I hope one day that Smolblog is in that list.

Jack Dorsey was right about one thing for sure, though: Twitter should have been a protocol, not a company.

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

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Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

[tarotnoob]

What’s your secret? Pick a Card.

So, my intention was to ask the cards: what’s their secret, what are they hiding, what’s their fear? I will try to give a light analysis and a darker analysis. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about themselves or be triggered, but keep in mind - that’s a possibility. This is a completely judgmental-free space. I am not judging, you do not need to affirm or acknowledge anything - this is simply for any type of validation you seek. It can be related to shadow work. We all have deep stuff we don’t want to share or acknowledge. We may be in denial, we may have locked it away, we may not even see we do this and need to be told, etc...

With that in mind: Scroll to the pile you feel drawn to [Pile 1, 2, 3, from left]

PILE 1

Light: On the lighter side, you have the potential to heal others because you have experienced some kind of (emotional/medical wound). Often, going through any kind of challenge not only develops inner strength, but also increases empathy. I feel like in an effort to make others feel better if they are hurt, you try to make them laugh. It might also be that when you hurt, you deflect using humor/sarcasm/jokes. I feel like you’re sensitive, you might even be competitive to some degree. You might either work with friends or are attending school with friends or are working toward something worth celebrating. You could also already have a job or do volunteer work that benefits the community you live in, or possibly you have recently received good news about a health or medical situation if you were receiving treatment... I almost get the sense that there’s someone who’s been going through physical therapy or something like that because there is a vibe of recovery, dark thoughts, and then... pushing through something difficult. This can fit into anything, but I’m really drawn to pretty serious mental health or physical health issues here. Interesting to note, we have no wands here - emotional issue, a little mental conflict, possibly even a conflict with other people, and a sense of slower progress toward something tangible, also two 3′s, a 5, and an 8, which for me represent the themes: social/love/creativity; change/conflict; personal power.

My guess before I jump into dark is that there is a certain level of fire or passion that’s been absent for you. There’s also a sense of reflection or searching for something that is [lacking] because almost all the cards show someone looking intently at an object, two of which are obviously mirrors, cups, swords, inside the hat... the symbol on Chiron looks like a key. I also wanted to mention inn the description of obsession, it mentions chasing comets and Chiron is a comet. As a reader, it’s not really a coincidence, so with chiron representing wounds/healing and obsession being about chasing or denial... this is about denying a wound/problem and/or chasing something to fill a void.

Dark: I feel a few things coming up with these cards, so take what resonates for you. I feel like this could be a pile that obsesses about a hobby, person, physical feature as a means to distract yourself or avoid something. I also feel some of you could be a bit two-faced. I don’t mean outright liar, I mean what you show people - online through social media or IRL isn’t really you, and that maybe you feel if you show who you really are, people won’t like you. Through the obsession card, like I said, you could simply throw yourself into hobbies, but I feel this is about being obsessed regarding how others view you. Like, you want to be seen x way, you want to be liked or even hated, as long as you are acknowledged, receive attention, or can gain a following.

I think it’s possible that you might get jealous or envy others easily, especially online. Some of you may have even hate-followed people just to spy on them or sent not so nice anon comments out of pettiness. And this comes from a dissatisfaction in how you see yourself.

I feel like in the five of swords, though you may have been the ones walking away in defeat, I also see you as the smug guy who’s “won” the battle except with this card, no one really wins. This is like being mean and bullying someone online and thinking you got the last word or you block them or get them to block you and it’s just petty. I definitely see some online stalking.

Because of the numbers, I feel conflict and issues about change regarding social circles... backstabbing friends or envy/pettiness within friend circles.

You may have a tendency to brag or boast because a lot of these figures are showing off something, but again that makes me feel drawn to the notion of showing this type of life or relationship or whatever through social media when it’s not really as it seems. I mean, people say a lot of social media is just that, showing your best whatever, but there is some bitterness/vanity/pettiness involved in this feeling, it’s not just oh for fun I’ll show my last vacation pics. But, I guess it could be as simple as that. 

At it’s simplest, I sense someone who fakes a lot of what they show to people out of fear of how others will see them if they show the real them.

Because the obsession card literally points out about a denial issue, there may be something you do, especially regarding social activities that you don’t want to acknowledge - like bullying or starting fights or stalking exes online, being obsessed with how others see or perceive you, especially regarding looks. Like, you have to post yourself online looking all done up, looking fit, etc...

But it’s all to fill something you don’t feel confident about... which is why the wands aren’t here. You may be showing something that isn’t authentic to yourself or your higher self... for the sake of superficial validation. Specifically of friends or peers or an online social community.

And keep in mind we ALL do this stuff. I mean, we’re only going to look down on murder, abuse, harm to others or yourself... but like, little dark stuff we think and feel, blocking people, ghosting them... everyone does this. It’s not GOOD, but we do it and it should be acknowledged and  you should sit in it, as we all should when we need to face or confront our darkest sides.

And the Chiron card says we have to heal the wound before we can move onto a better path so once you figure out where these actions stem from, you can work on healing that part of yourself. I don’t think the dark stuff we feel is anything to be ashamed of per se... I’ve done some of my best writing when I’m feeling dark. So... well I won’t ask you to let me know if it resonates, but it’s food for thought.

---

PILE 2

As usual I see a little link with pile 1, so if you were drawn to both, can read the previous pile. 

Light: Okay, so on the light side - sorry I wanted to stop and read up about the void moon because what happened is I had so many cards representing a “block” as if you’re blocking me from the secret that I pulled the extra tarot cards and then I was reading how the void of course moon sounds like reverse psychology because it talks about how things you WANT won’t happen, so what you should do is agree to things you don’t want bc they won’t happen, which isn’t especially helpful. It basically sounds like a more severe mercury retrograde, so the advice on that card is to take no action, but I’m also acknowledging all these messages with the 7 of cups, 8 of swords, void moon that there is a block, a stall, a weird cloud hanging over you... almost as if perhaps you have or will experience a string of bad luck or curse issues, heh.

That’s not a light message, but I want to get out what I see first.

Because in the 3 additional cards, I do see positives and Judgment also shows that there will be an “awakening” of some sort, which I can only hope means there will be more clarity on a situation that seems to be causing you some anxiety. It seems to be regarding a decision or choice... I mean as a metaphor, it does read like “coming out.” Or rather, it reads like being in the closet about SOMETHING because - wait we were going to do light first, haha.

Okay sorry. Um...  there is a sense of putting effort or work into a skill of some sort, one that will aid in creating more personal empowerment and balance for you. I want to say that this involves justice or the right thing being done, so some of you may be working toward this now.... especially with the judgment card, it’s almost as if you go from worrying about what others think to breaking free of that, having this great awakening - and it will make you feel like you’re in control of your own life. This could also be that you’re worried about a career or job route and you want to do the thing that makes you feel most empowered. With the artist card, I would guess that a lot of you are some sort of artist or express yourself through or have a talent for any “art” related occupation, any occupation or hobby that allows you to express yourself. But it feels like there’s even heavier stuff going on because of Justice... there’s a sense of karma... or righting wrongs. I mean the balance could simply be about self-balance, but it could be that your talent is driven by social injustices or legal things, government things, politics, etc... which again feels like an issue about coming out. Perhaps you’re in a country or within a culture or family that doesn’t allow you to BE yourself or DO the thing you want, so there’s a sense of being trapped or being indecisive and not knowing what to do because you’re afraid of what people will think or how thtey’ll react if you “come out” as gay or trans or wanting to be a painter instead of a doctor or having x belief that isn’t what your fam believes.

And tbh, the moon card does give a sense of caution, fear - that it won’t work out or something will go wrong if you do x, y, z. I don’t necessarily think it literally means do not do anything at this time, but take that on board. There’s no shame in NOT coming out if you aren’t ready or don’t feel safe to do so.

But I DO see you taking up the sword, taking up the baton... I feel like this is your destiny to do so. But let’s get to the dark.

Dark: So I think we’ve already established that the “secret” feels more like hiding an aspect of yourself that you don’t want others to know about - whether it’s coming out about your sexuality or gender or a particular interest or hobby or career, there is a fear of being judged, a fear that is causing you anxiety, uncertainty, making you feel trapped, but all the cards do lean toward you have the POWER to escape this feeling or situation, you alone. IF you decide to do what YOU want to do. Downcast pride seems to be about conformity, by the way, so you may hide this part in order to fit into societal norms. This could even be about selling out artistically. Like, you want to be a writer, but you “sell out” by taking some salary job at whatever company. 

On the other hand, you might have too much pride, I suppose. But, I see 8 of swords as being connected to the downcast pride because of the roots on the pride card coming from the elf’s neck and then the wrapping around the girl in 8 of swords. So, this sense of conformity, of throwing away your pride to bend to the will of what other’s think is what’s made you feel stuck/trapped.

For like one of you this could also be that... yes about being bi or pan but also being interested in poly relationships but not wanting to tell others or not wanting to try it out because you’re afraid. I get that from the 7 of cups, which is about having multiple choices, so just throwing that out there...

For a few it could be something as simple as... being a pretty wishy washy person, someone who really struggles to make decisions or doesn’t know what they want despite being, like, 38 years old. So there’s  like this voice telling you: why don’t you know what you want when everyone else seems to have their shit together? Because there’s also this sense of having an inability to.... DO SOMETHING. Like, being paralyzed to some degree... but I feel the cards are saying it is up to you to work on this and discover your own personal power and to discover that, you’ll need to... find internal balance? I want to say do what feels right but I’m trying to understand why Justice makes me think that... but Justice is also about making choices and decisions, typically based on what’s right, but the LAW is obviously subjective, so think of it in terms of THE UNIVERSE’s law, which is simply... balance. For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction... that’s not really helpful to giving you advice, I’m just saying universe law isn’t the same as man’s law. 

I still think this is a very clear message to:

At the heart of the artist card is simply someone who expresses themselves. The color that stands out to me here is red, which is about fear, stability... might want to investigate blocked root chakras... in the temporary/mean time, wear more red, listen to root chakra healing stuff, get some root related gems or bracelets.

1. Awaken/come out, be conscious of your fear or issue with judgment

2. This will require effort to come to this place of personal power, like actual... work on your part, maybe even taking classes or reading up on self impreovemnt or confidence, etc...

3. That you will HAVE to make choices/decisions to get where you are being guided

4. Your conflict is because you feel you need to conform but in so doing, you’ve trapped yourself and are keeping yourself from moving in the right direction; in fact, all kinds of things might fall apart or go wrong IF you don’t change something or rather - nothing will change ever if YOU don’t do something

I get the sense that you don’t want to FACE this thing yet but you will, because then you’ll receive more confidence and power. 

And if you’re quite young and feeling stuck, I think that if you have an opportunity to go away to college, you will find more freedom to do what you want and be yourself in comparison to where you live now.

But it looks to me that this journey from 8 of swords to Magician will take some time...

As for numbers - 7, 2, 2 8s, 11/2, 1, oop another 7, and 20/2

So, 2s, 8s, 7s, even 1s... there’s a lot going on... 

I read this as an issue... that’s a lesson, that’s about something that could be hidden/subconsious/secret... that involves the self, personal power... and inner balance as well as balance within any type of relationships. So, what that means in comparison to pile 1 who didn’t have so many coupled up numbers is that your journey is a bit more complicated, with more lessons, not all of them easy to tackle or see... but where to start would be to work on yourself, your empowerment and any issues regarding relationships will follow, as well...  and that you will encounter challenges/difficulties/karmic relationships - but they’re to teach you something, which I would guess has to do with self-resilience and independence, inner strength/confidence. You’re being forced to GROW internally through - probably - external conflicts or confrontations or issues. Like, some people learn because of some internal anxiety or depression or self worth, but I think you’ll grow because things outside of yourself will force pressure on you and you’ll either have to bend your knee or stand up for yourself and... though that’s tough, that’s ultimately where the universe WANTS to guide you, but the choice is always yours and obviously keep in mind that you are allowed to change or do whatever at your own pace when you feel ready or safe.

I also want to say something I came to understand recently is... there are no wrong or right choices. I often sit so long in indecision but the universe doesn’t go if you choose x you get a reward, if u choose y, you get a pie in the face.

What really happens is the universe warps around either choice you make... opportunities, good or “bad” will come from either way you go but it’s just ... making the choice. There’s no wrong or right answer other than moving forward. So, maybe that will help and maybe I can find the instagram post I saw yesterday that explained it so well. Hope that helps.

---

PILE 3

Interesting pile. For the record, when I just went to take the pile photo, the clock on my phone turned 4:44.The first thing about 444 to come up on google is basically about trusting your intuition. Ironically, four is also the number of stability, so... creepy b/c you have the stability card. And death adds up to 4. Four in numerology is again about stability but those who resonate with 4 aren’t so great with adapting to change. Death is often about change, usually a deep spiritual transformation or a shedding of a life phase to a new one. Like - childhood to adulthood or a whole new perspective on life.

I will also start off with the numbers since numbers seem to be important in this pile particularly - we have two sevens (sevens are like lessons or things that are hidden, secrets, sometimes lies or betrayal), 4 is stability and structure, 3 is love/creatvity/social, and 11/2 is a master number or about inner balance or partnerships of any sort. 11 is a combo of high priestess/magician - so blending your intuition with... leadership. 13 is pragmatism... security again.

I’ll talk more about what i am dying to talk about in the dark side of this - which is all these CAGE IMAGES OF BEING BOXIED IN AND STUCK IN A SMALL SPACE AND PUTTING UP BARS... but yeah - light first.

Light take: Okay, so there is a sense of solidity to you... like... being very strong to the point of possibly being over the top in how you... exert control over yourself or space... that doesn’t have to be a bad thing (yet), because it makes me FEEL that you are very capable person, a responsible person. Some of you may be going “nope” but there is the POTENTIAL for you to be this way even if you are a bit emotionally flakey... because I do sense a lot of earth energy here or big earth placements that make me feel as if sometimes you are capable of putting up a dry stone dirt earth wall to keep others out or even to prevent you from seeing or acknowledging something negative, and this could result in tunnel vision or self victimization, etc... which fits with the victim card.

But, like I said - you are someone who is either really good or really bad with personal boundaries. Some of you may be able to draw very clear lines. If you don’t want to do a thing you’re like “nope, not interested” almost too much on the blunt side but you know what you do and don’t want to do but this may result in some stubborness or some rifts between relationships where someone’s feelings get hurt, like if you are friends with a Gemini, I bet they huff at you a lot because you’re just too harsh and blunt; however, so what because if you know what you do and don’t want, you should say so. Granted, can you watch HOW you say it? Maybe? But I’m not here to tell you how to be, maybe the Gemini should grow a thicker skin, who’s to say.

What’s interesting is how this seven of wands which is usually like fire or passion for defending something... and then 7 of pentacles is patience and waiting on results. You’d think this is opposite even tho both are 7s but this is me seeing you PASSIONATELY defending your borders/boundaries. Like, you like THIS chair at starbucks, you want THIS chair every time you go because it is YOUR chair and you like routine and you like to sit in THIS space because that makes you comfortable, lol That’s what it feels like  - and then those two butt up against the Death card, which came after those... and so it does make me feel there are issues here regarding change... that you are content to let things just be that way and that the idea of change may feel threatening or uncomfortable, which is why the pontiff (you) is putting his hand up to be like “no change don’t come to my village, i like things as they are b/c that’s comfortable”.

What I will s ay is I don’t think even if you’re blunt, you’re ever looking to hurt anyone b/c the bride image and the victim wearing white make me think your intentions are mostly “pure” or harmless, that if you do block people out it’s to protect yourself or your way of thinking or your comfort, etc... I’m not seeing this as in you went through something dark and put walls up - tho that’s possible - i’m seeing this more as... it’s just the way you are.

Some of you tho b/c of this bride make me feel like you are afraid of: death, getting old, marriage/relationships or various forms of mental/physical intimacy.

I know I blended in dark and light here but let me go into the dark full on.

Dark: So, like I said. This is a pile where you have put yourself into a box for the sake of comfort, you may be quite stubborn in your belief or perspective, you may be blunt and feel firm in these beliefs to the point you actively think other people are obviously wrong in what they think or how they do, you may even start bossing them like a Taurus or Virgo, might be rather judgmental of others and how they live their life, thinking you could do it better or more efficient. You are passionate in your beliefs and perspectives, but really you are desperately fearful of change, which is why you reject other POVs. You have good personal boundaries, but keep in mind that also locks out opportunities, especially regarding relationships. There may be a reason all this cage imagery is here - a fear of connecting with someone else, some type of intimacy because that would involve breaking down your wall or your beliefs and you might be too selfish for that. Not to say that doing what you want is selfish... it’s that when you become so enamored with a ritual or routine that you use THAT stability to fill a void of some sort, that void being a fear of change. You say - well I’m just being loyal to my beliefs when really you don’t want to change, so you don’t want to compromise in a relationship and then you just end up overpowering the other person because you haven’t learned how to compromise or how to allow OTHERS that space they need to be themselves.

And in so doing you’ve had relationships fall apart where you blamed the other person and went - but i was just adhering to my boundaries and they got too emotional about it, so it’s their fault; thus, you’ve set yourself up as the victim. People just don’t UNDERSTAND you even tho you never bother to try and understand them. Until you break down these walls to some degree, you may repeat this type of thing over and over. So even tho earth means responsibility it also means that... well it doesn’t mean you ACCEPT responsibility for certain actions. In terms of color, there’s (for me) a lot of orange (sacral), solar plexus - but there is also a bit of blue, green, red... so some minor throat, heart, root... that could indicate those are blocked or overactive while the sacral and solar plexus are... also possibly overactive or most... prevalent in what’s going on.

b/c i would GUESS your throat and heart ARE a bit on the... in need of work side. Because of HOW you say things or express things and how much compassion you feel for others - which makes sense - how you express things to others while considering their feelings >.> probs not your strong suit.

But on the other side of this - you would be able to offer pragmatic advice to friends, you’re probably good with money tho maybe you like stuff too much... maybe you hoard money or THINGS... it reminds me of what the members have joked about with jungkook (i always have a bts tie in). so he’s the youngest member and tho he was shy (he’s a virgo by the way so an earth sun sign) and he was also very selfish b/c he was probs a spoiled baby when they started, but there’s a joke where he used to say “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” or maybe it was the other way but you get the idea.... like there is an “earth” mentality of this is mine but also... those things that arent mine are mine too b/c...  some people can’t step OUTSIDE of the box to realize other people have needs wand want space to be themselves, too, and don’t want to have to CATER to you or are being polite or may have a fear of conflict, so when you act selfishly they ghost you or blow up at you and you’re still left going - wtf just happened oh woe is meeee. when really you need ur hyungs to slap you upside the head and tell you to stop thinking only about yourself. i feel they probably did this with tae, too. (he’s a capricorn sun with a lot of earth in his chart). plus being the youngest is also a factor. maybe RM doesn’t seem this way bc his mercury is in scorpio, dunno.

so in conclusion - be more open with how others feel and think, you aren’t always right. work on your issues regarding change, change can be good even if it’s transformative and can mess up your routine. being stable is good, boundaries are good, as long as they don’t end up hurting others or keeping you isolated or always feeling attacked by others. it’s not always THEM. sometimes IT’S YOU. But there is a whole world out there - yeah some of it sucks, a lot of it sucks, but there is a world out there.... and if you want to build relationships with people... yeah... if you were not even aware that it was you, now you know.

thanks for reaaaaaaaaaaading!!

[jenonctcity]

My Ending - Part 1

Differences – Na Jaemin

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetracer!Au

Disclaimer: This is going to be a very dark themed story, please do not read if you are triggered easily by the mentioned subjects in the warnings. 

I recommend reading Jeno’s story first so that it’s easier for you to understand the timeline and plot of this story.

Warnings: Minor Character Death, Mention of Suicide Attempts, Mental Health Issues (Depression and Anxiety), Mentions of Drug Use/Overdose, Mention of Drug Addiction Effecting Baby After Birth. 

Word Count: 5k

Jaemin was used to living his life in black and white. His whole life had always been a mix of muggy grey, never having experienced enough positive emotion for a long enough period that flecks of colour could mix into his greyscale life. Of course he had happy moments, excited moments, moments of enthusiasm, and moments of hope. He wasn’t a robot. But he found that it was the sad moments, fearful moments, moments of anxiety, and moments of anger that outweighed all other emotions and lead his world to darken in colour. It all started when he was born. Born to a drug addict mother, and a father who had long since ran away from the responsibilities of raising a child. He had been born a month early  with his body uncontrollably shaking, his body craving the heroin that his mother had been shooting when she was carrying him. He had been taken from her immediately and his grandmother on his fathers’ side had stepped up to take on the responsibility of raising the precious, underdeveloped baby.

The first few years of Jaemin’s life had been rough. He was significantly smaller than most of the children his age, and he didn’t start walking until he was two years old, almost a year later than he should have, and he had such a low immune system that he was constantly falling ill and being taken in and out of hospital. It was a tough challenge for his grandmother, but she adored her little miracle and did everything she could to keep him alive and happy. They’d hoped that Jaemin’s growth would catch up with him by the time he started school, but their hopes didn’t pan out, and he was still much smaller than all of the other children. On top of that, he struggled to keep up with the level of learning and was picked on by the other children for his tiny frame, lack of knowledge, and also, lack of parents. His teenage years weren’t much better. Even though he soon caught up with everybody in the height and education department, it wasn’t the bullying that bothered him anymore, it was the emotional scars that sat inside of his head like a poisonous fog, taunting him like those kids had through all of his school years.

He couldn’t understand why his mother had done what she’d done, and why she didn’t love him in the way a mother should love her son. He had seen his mother so little that he could count each encounter on one of his hands. Which is why as he walked back into the apartment, wearing his suit and holding the funeral programme that had a picture of his mother on the front, he felt numb. He let out a soft sigh as he sat down on the sofa beside Jeno, chucking the papers onto the coffee table in front of him and running a hand through his blond hair as he tried to gather his thoughts. Jeno didn’t physically react to Jaemin’s arrival apart from letting a soft smile tug at the corners of his lips. After a silence of five minutes with Jaemin just started absentmindedly into thin air, Jeno spoke up.

“How did it go?” Jeno’s voice was soft, his head still facing towards the quiet television as reruns of spongebob played.

“How did you know it was me?” Jaemin glanced at his blind friend, raising an eyebrow and trying not to put too much amusement in his tone, not feeling like he should be joking around after being to his mother’s funeral.

“Haechan is in his room, and Renjun is out picking Jiyeon up. I heard the door open and couldn’t hear Jiyeon shouting for one of her uncles so I just did the mystery solving and figured out it would be you.” He shrugged, a weak laugh vibrating off of his chest before he sighed. “You didn’t answer my question Jaem.” Jaemin sighed once more, wiping his sweaty palms on his thighs and resting his head back against the sofa.

“It was fine…” He couldn’t quite pinpoint the feelings rushing around inside of him. He felt anger, sadness, a dash of regret, but mostly relief. Anger because he was angry that she never made a proper effort with him, just brushing him aside and acting as if the drugs she owned were her precious child rather than the actual baby she’d made and given birth to. Sadness because he could never make amends with her and have the bond that most mothers and sons have. Regret because he knew once he hit the age of sixteen and was able to make sensible decisions for himself, he could have been the one to make the effort. And relief because he knew he didn’t have to spend nights worrying if the money he had sent his mother was being used to buy drugs instead of keeping food in her mouth. Relief because she couldn’t hurt herself anymore. Relief because the reason his depression was gone. Not that she took his mental health problems with her to the grave, but it gave Jaemin a horribly sick satisfaction that he could only diagnose as revenge. Which made him want to weep at how his brain could even think of something as horrid at that. Jaemin felt awful that he was thankful for Jeno’s blindness, so that he couldn’t see the tears that dribbled down his cheeks, silent sobs for the mother he spent so many nights crying over as a child, wishing for the mother he never had.

“Are you sure? It’s okay not to be okay.” Jaemin wanted to squeeze Jeno for how sweet the boy was being, but he just let out a huff of a laugh and wiped his tears away. He glanced down at his hands, gulping back the lump in his throat as his mind drifted to the nervous breakdown that Jeno had experienced only a week prior. Jeno had hit his breaking point and had expressed how much he worries about Jaemin, because of Jaemin’s previous failed suicide attempts that had clearly chipped away at Jeno’s mental stability. Jaemin felt the pit in his stomach he usually got when he was at his lowest mentally, but he didn’t want to pile more worries onto Jeno’s plate, so he faked a smile, despite Jeno’s lack of sight, it was more for himself than anyone else. Besides, it had been over two years since Jaemin had last attempted to take his own life, and he felt like he’d moved on from that stage of his life. He hoped.

“I’m fine, you haven’t got to worry about me.”

“Okay, because my kid is going to need its Uncle Nana to be a happy bastard not a moody bastard.” Jeno let out an amused laugh, trying to lighten the tone. It worked, the thought of Jeno’s unborn child bringing a big smile to his face.

“Uncle Nana is going to be its favourite per-” Jaemin was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket. He fished it out of his blazer pocket and answered it quickly when he saw the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Mr Na?” An unfamiliar male voice sounded through the phone, the voice calm and deep.

“It is.”

“I’m just calling to inform you that your grandmother has had a fall, the paramedics are with her now and the carer who was there when it happened is still there. I’ve been told that there hasn’t been any extensive damage, but I thought it would be best to let you know, as you’re the emergency contact.” Jaemin felt his world almost crumble in on him for a moment, the words about her not having much damage cooled him down slightly, but the panicked fire burning in his stomach was still very much alight.

“Okay, thank you for letting me know.” He hung up the call and gulped down the fireball of anxiety blazing in his throat. He was on his feet before he knew it, digging his keys out of his pocket. “My grandma fell over; I’ll be back soon.” He mumbled to Jeno, his mind foggy so he didn’t even hear Jeno’s gasp and quick ‘Is she okay!?’ before he was out of the door, sprinting down the stairs, and practically jumping into his car. He didn’t even look at the speed he was driving at because he didn’t care, all he cared about was seeing his grandmother and confirming the man on the phones statement that she was okay. He stopped out the front of her house and ran to the door, letting himself in with shaky hands and looking at the paramedics as they packed up their stuff in the entranceway.

“I’m her grandson, is she okay?!” His words came out so fast that the paramedic he’d aimed the question at almost didn’t understand what he’d said. “Is she?!” He repeated, a sheen of sweat on his forehead from his panic.

“She is, son,” The male paramedic addressed Jaemin, giving him a calming smile and pat on the arm. “We’ve given her some pain medication, and she’ll have a large bruise on her hip, but she didn’t fall hard enough to break anything. She’s just gone to sleep; I would leave it a little while before you disturb her though.” Jaemin nodded along, taking in all of the information with a small sigh of relief.

“Okay, thank you so much for taking care of her.” They bid their goodbyes and left, shutting the door behind them as Jaemin made his way into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway, his eyes trained on you stood by the kitchen sink with your back to him, wearing what looked like hospital scrubs over the tops of a long-sleeved floral top. Your shoulders were shaking gently as you let out all of your emotions, having assumed you were now alone in the house seeing as you heard the front door shut. Jaemin cleared his throat, causing you to squeal in surprise and turn around fast, a spatula that you’d grabbed out of the washing up bowl now in your hand being held up as a weapon.

“Who are you?!” Your eyes were wide, and if it wasn’t so comical, Jaemin would have been absolutely speechless from how stunning he found your features. He had an amused smile on his face as he quickly held his hands up in surrender.

“My name is Jaemin, I’m the grandson! Please don’t…spatula me.” You sighed in relief, lowering the spatula onto the drying rack. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I apologise.” He stepped forward, giving you a small bow. You bowed back and smiled politely, trying to ignore the heat that flooded your cheeks from the embarrassing encounter, also he was gorgeous, and it took you by surprise. You suddenly remembered your wet cheeks, using the back of your hand to wipe your tears away. “Are you okay?”

“Apology accepted, I’m (Y/N), I’m fine…it was just, really…hard to watch you know?” You nodded, sending him a weak smile with a quick nod. He tilted his head and poked his tongue into his cheek in thought.

“You’re my grandma’s carer?” He took a seat at the dining table, fiddling with the tablemat as he kept his eyes on you. The more you looked at him, the more you recognised him from the photos that were dotted around the house. He looked a lot different though, more mature and with more tattoos. One of the tattoos that you noticed were the roman numerals vertically written on his neck, just underneath his left ear, you were curious as to what the number was and to what it meant. He looked handsome in his suit, and you wondered what the occasion was as to why he was wearing such formal wear.

“I am, I haven’t seen you here before…she talks about you a lot.”

“All good things I hope.” He chuckled, giving you a cheeky wink. You felt the wink inside of your stomach and giggled nervously.

“She adores you!” You sat opposite him at the table, brushing some of your hair behind your ear as you thought about all the stories, she’d told you over the past few months that you’d been one of her carers. “I’m surprised I haven’t bumped into you before; she says you visit her a lot.” You furrowed your eyebrows, not being able to understand why you hadn’t seen him in person before.

“I usually visit in the evening times, but I have met a few of the other carers who stop by.” You were only one of the carers from the company who stopped by her house daily. Jaemin was incredibly thankful to the people who took care of his grandma when he couldn’t. He had moved out of her house on his own accord just after Jeno was arrested. He knew he was getting too much of a burden on his grandma, coming home late, throwing up on the carpet when he was too drunk and scaring her when he would admit to being high. And for good reason, considering how he was born addicted to heroin. But despite how much shit Jaemin had gone through in his life, he’d promised his grandmother that he’d never consume heroin. He didn’t want his grandma to be stressed over him, so when the opportunity came about to move in with his friends, he snatched it up as soon as he could. A year after moving out, his grandma stopped being able to get around as much as she could before, and the simplest of tasks got too much for her. So Jaemin took it upon him to hire a carer company to come in throughout the day and cook her meals, wash her clothes, and keep her house tidy. He felt bad that he couldn’t do it himself, but with his dodgy job, he either didn’t have the time, or didn’t want anything bad to happen which could be traced back to his grandma’s house. He dealt with a lot of dangerous people in illegal street racing, and he couldn’t risk his grandmother’s life, that’s why his visits were scarce and in the evening times when it was less likely he was being tracked by anyone. “I must say, you’re definitely the beautiful one.” He winked shamelessly, causing your face to flush. You had to stop yourself from letting out a whine at the compliment, not used to being complimented like that by men you’d only just met.

“Thank you.” A smile tugged at your lips, your hands coming to rest on your hot cheeks. Jaemin smirked and bit his bottom lip, his eyes flicking over your face subtly as he checked you out. You felt your phone ding in your pocket, signifying that you had finished your time at that house and had to move onto the next. “Oh, I have to get going. It was nice meeting you.” You jumped up from the table, grabbing your jacket from the coat rack by the front door and slipping it on. Jaemin followed you and dug his hands into his pockets.

“Likewise.” He opened the door for you and motioned for you to go through first. “I should get going anyway.” He had a race tonight and he needed to get himself ready for it, mentally and physically. He locked the door behind you both and walked down the path to his car. You paused, your mouth popping open as you laid eyes on his expensive looking car.

“Woah…is that yours?!” You almost squeaked, your eyes flicking from the Navy-Blue Mustang Shelby GT350, back to Jaemin. He looked very proud, his posture straightening out and a wide smile on his face.

“Yep!”

“Woooow…” You looked over at your own car, it was super cheap, and you were probably the fifth owner of the run-down looking thing. “It a lot nicer than mine.” You laughed awkwardly, getting out your key to unlock the door, you put your key in the hole and jiggled it around, trying desperately to unlock the old piece of crap. The door almost flew open after you’d succeeded in opening it, and Jaemin smiled kindly at you. “Anyway, see ya around Jaemin!” You hopped into your car, not giving him a chance to reply as you started the rickety engine and slowly drove away. Jaemin got in his own car and let out a soft sigh as he thought back on your slightly odd exchange. He didn’t know you, but he knew he wanted to know you. And he had the perfect plan.

---

Jaemin probably should have felt bad that he was only visiting his grandma twice as much as he normally would because he was hoping and praying to run into you again. His grandma had sensed something was up, and he didn’t even have to admit to her, she already knew that he had the hots for you. Many of his attempts of being at her house when you were there were successful, and he’d helped you in your daily tasks of helping around the house until you heard the familiar sound of your phone alerting you that it was time to leave. He hated that sound. You saw Jaemin as a happy, positive soul, who would do anything to make you laugh. It worked, he often had you in absolute stitches with his comical stories about his friends and the pranks they played on each other. He found out a lot about your life, like how you came from a large family, the oldest of four children and you still lived with your parents due to your job not paying a huge amount of money. He was curious to know why you didn’t bother going to university, instead jumping straight into work life. When he’d asked, you’d simply told him that you just couldn’t wait to start your life, not wanting to spend anymore time in education. It was when you expressed your want to get married and have kids within the next ten years that had Jaemin’s head confirming what his heart was thinking. He had a huge crush on you. It was after you’d found out that the numbers written on his neck signified the date of his grandmothers’ birth, that you realised you had a big fat crush on him too. Jaemin always wore long sleeves shirts, or hoodies, so you didn’t know if he had anymore tattoos on his body apart from the neck tattoo and the rose tattoo on the back of his right hand. But you were curious to find out.

With a stomach full of butterflies, a whole month after your first encounter, Jaemin had finally asked you out. So that’s why you found yourself sat opposite the beautiful boy in a café at 1pm on your day off. His hair was now a light pink, and you thought it suited his face and personality perfectly. He had on a long-sleeved white shirt, with black skinny jeans and a leather jacket. It completing his aesthetic off flawlessly. Also you’d gotten to ride in his fancy car, which was exciting in its own, since you’d never been in a car that expensive before. Jaemin sipped at his black coffee, his eyes meeting your own and causing a tender smile to tug at his lips as he continued on with his story.

“And Jiyeon, Renjun’s daughter, threatened to pee on the floor if she didn’t get a cookie. You should have seen Chenle’s face, it was a comedy gold!” He laughed at the memory, picking at the muffin between you both. He had told you about all of his friends, so you were kind of keeping up with the names. He talked about Chenle a lot.

“Did she get the cookie?” You needed to know how the story finished, your eyes sparkling as you found out more and more about the mysterious boy opposite you. So far all you knew was that his grandmother raised him because his mother was a drug abuser, she died recently, and he lived with the boys he saw as brothers, which included the kids and girlfriends of said brothers. He’d also dished out the gossip on Haechan’s current girlfriend being Jeno’s ex-girlfriend, and Jeno now being blind with a baby on the way. Quite the scandal.

“Of course she did! Uncle Nana gave it to her.” He smiled widely and raised his eyebrows. You titled your head in confusion.

“Uncle Nana?” You asked, curiosity in your tone about this mysterious Uncle Nana.

“That’s me, my last name is Na, so I got the nickname Nana when I was growing up. Nana is easier to say than Jaemin when you’re a toddler.” He popped some of the muffin into his mouth and licked his lips.

“Cute!” Your eyebrows raised and you gazed at him with adoration in your eyes.

“You think so?” He winked, loving all the attention you bestowed upon him, even if cute wasn’t really the image he was going for.

“Mhm!” You sipped at your lemonade and gazed out of the window, seeing Jaemin’s car parked where you’d both left it and turning back to Jaemin. “You must have a good job to afford a car that…wow!” You didn’t miss the way Jaemin’s eyes avoided your gaze, leading you to believe there was more to him owning the car than just a normal job.

“I…okay I’m going to be transparent with you.” He sat up in his chair, leaning in closer to you across the table so that he could lower his voice, audible for only you to hear. “I race cars. That’s not my only car, I have a garage with four other cars in it and I race them to earn my living.” He kept his eyes locked with yours, trying to determine your reaction simply from the look in your eyes. Jaemin liked to think he was good at reading people. He’d been doing it his whole life, having experienced plenty of different emotions from people throughout his life. He couldn’t see anything other than question in your eyes as your narrowed them, trying to wrap your head around it.

“Oh!...is it…legal?” You whispered, running your hand up and down your glass, the condensation on the cold glass smearing and forming little droplets of water under the ministrations of your fingertips. He shook his head, an awkward smile marring his beautiful features.

“No, it’s not. If you get caught racing, you get fined. If you get caught racing more than once, you get your vehicle seized and fined. Then its three strikes and you’re out. Prison time is the punishment for getting caught a third time.” His words had your mouth opening in shock, a little gasp leaving your throat.

“Have you ever been caught?” You didn’t really know how to feel about his confession. You hadn’t ever thought about your opinions on illegal street racing, and it wasn’t fair for you to make a quick judgement about something you knew nothing about, despite it being illegal. It wasn’t really any of your business, so you didn’t care too much. The way you saw it, if you didn’t do anything illegal yourself, then you weren’t in the wrong.

“Nope, I have come close, but no, I’m pretty good at outrunning the police.” He smirked, clearly proud of himself as he sipped at his coffee. “If you aren’t comfortable with it, then we haven’t got to talk about it. I can keep it quiet from you, or we could…go our separate ways after I take you home. It’s your decision.” He sounded slightly sad as he spoke the last words, his head lowering slightly to watch your fingers playing with your glass.

“Oh, no! I…er…like you a lot, and I want to see you again, obviously only if you want to!” Your cheeks felt like they were about to burst into flames, your heart suddenly making you aware of its existence in your chest.

“I want to.” His voice was soft, and his hand snaked across the table to detach your hand from your glass. He wound your fingers together and a pink tinge that resembled the pink rose tattoo on the back of his hand flared up on his cheeks.

“Cool!” You blurted out and then used your free hand to face palm, cringing at your random word vomit.

“Very cool.” Jaemin laughed with you, grabbing your hand to pull it away from your face. “I guess we’re both just super cool!” You both visibly cringed at that and sniggered.

---

The next week was a complete rush for you. But a good rush, a rush you wouldn’t change. You had work five days out of seven, and as soon as your shift had finished, Jaemin would pick you up from your house, and whisk you away on a date. So far, you’d eaten in 7 different restaurants and had enjoyed every single minute of your time with your new boyfriend. That’s right, boyfriend. The two of you made it official on date number three after you both realised that you were basically perfect for each other. The night had ended in a sweet kiss and a long cuddle on your doorstep, which your siblings had roasted you for when you’d walked through the door, because obviously they’d been spying on your from the window as soon as they heard the loud purr of Jaemin’s car stop outside. And on your two days off, Jaemin had spent the both of days entertaining you and impressing you with his date spots. One of your favourite moments was when Jaemin had asked you if you trusted him whilst he was driving. You didn’t even hesitate to give him a quick nod and utter ‘yes’. You felt such a rush inside of you when the car speed up so fast that you felt yourself being pushed into your seat. You also felt a rush at how quickly you’d put your trust in a man you had only known for a month, a man who had admitted to doing illegal things. Jaemin had kept glancing at you, his heart blooming with an unfamiliar feeling when he saw the look of pure joy etched on your angelic face as you found elation in his passion. Of course he kept his driving on the safer side in order not to scare you, and even though he was confident in his driving abilities, keeping you safe was his new priority.

Day number 8 of your date streak found you sitting in Jaemin’s bedroom, legs folded underneath you as you sat opposite Jaemin with a glass of wine in your hand, one of his large hoodies covering up your cocktail dress to keep you warm. You’d been to a bar with him hours earlier, and you’d both drank a little bit too much. So his invite for you to join him in his bedroom had quickly been accepted, and there you sat, sipping at your wine as you laughed at a corny joke he’d cracked.

“Jaemiiiin,” You whined endearingly, leaning your forehead on his shoulder and hiccupping. “I want to know more about you, we should play never have I ever!” Your tipsy brain had you thinking that was the best idea ever, and Jaemin seemed to think the same thing, as he jumped at the opportunity, causing you to sit back again and grin at him.

“Okay! Me first.” He cleared his throat and took a quick mouthful of beer. “Okay, never have I ever…tried oysters.” You sniggered at his choice of words, furrowing your eyebrows at him and not raising your glass.

“I haven’t either! Okay, never have I ever…smoked a cigarette.” He rolled his eyes and raised his bottle of beer to his lips, gulping down a mouthful before pausing to rack his brain for things he hadn’t ever done.

“Never have I ever worn high heels!”

“Oh come on that’s not fair!” You squeal but didn’t hesitate to take a big swig of your wine. “Fine, I’m turning the heat up. Never have I ever had sex anywhere other than on a bed.” You were actually taken aback when he made no effort to drink, a smirk growing on his face. “You haven’t?!” You raised your eyebrows, placing your glass of wine on his bedside table and shuffling closer to him on your knees. He shook his head, biting his bottom lip as he placed his hands gently on your hips, guiding you into his lap.

“You’re surprised.” He laughed softly at his observation, his eyes flicking down to your lips before he leaned in and placed a lingering, hot kiss to your parted lips.

“You’re so hot and kind, I just thought you’d be…kind of experienced in that department.” His lips nipped at your own lips, drawing a silkey kiss between you with his tongue coming out to trace the lining on your bottom lip. “Your turn.” You whispered, sitting all of your weight onto his crotch, confident with how he pulled you closer to his own, warm body. He took a deep breath, a deep laugh vibrating from his chest as he kissed down to your jaw, leaving hot kisses on your smooth skin. His next confession had your heart pounding in adoration and your mouth popping open in surprise.

“Never have I ever…had sex.”

---

So this is the start to the end main parts of the series! What are we thinking is going to happen? Let me know! (Please be nice lol) <3

[star-anise]

An ask I got recently:

hi so i’m a transmed and i’m not sure if you’ll answer this because of that but i saw your post about transmedicalism and was wondering if you could expand on that? you seem like a genuinely kind and judgement-free person, thank you darling x

My response:

Heh, you call me “judgement-free” and ask for my opinion on a topic I’ve formed a lot of judgments about… I get it though, I’m not into attacking people for what they believe so much as providing FACTS. As a cis queer, my insight into transmedicalism isn’t really about the innate experience of trans-ness so much as using my education and professional experience to talk about social science research, diagnostic systems, and public health policy.

This ended up really long, so the tl;dr is, I think transmedicalism as I understand it:

Misunderstands why and how the DSM’s Gender Dysphoria diagnosis was written,

Treats the medical establishment with a level of trust and credibility it doesn’t deserve, at a time when LGBT+ people, especially trans people, need to be informed and vigilant critics of it, and

Approaches the problem of limited resources in an ass-backwards way that I think will end up hurting the trans community in the long run.

TW: Transphobia; homophobia; suicide; institutionalization; torture; electroshock therapy; child abuse; incidental mentions of pedophilia.

So first off I’m guessing you mean this post, about not trusting the medical establishment to tell you who you are? That’s what I’m trying to elaborate on here.

I have to admit, when you say “I’m a transmedicalist” that tells me very little about you, because on Tumblr the term seems to encompass a dizzying array of perspectives. Some transmedicalists believe in what seems to me the oldschool version of “The only TRUE trans people suffer agonizing dysphoria that can only be fixed with surgery and hormones, everyone else is an evil pretender stealing resources and can FUCK RIGHT OFF” and others are like, um… “I have total love and respect for nonbinary and nondysphoric trans people! I qualify for a DSM diagnosis of dysphoria but that doesn’t make me inherently better or more trans than anyone else.”

Which is very confusing to me because according to everything I’ve learned, the latter opinion is not transmedicalism. It’s just… a view of transness that acknowledges current diagnostic labels and scientific research. It’s what most people who support trans rights and do not identify as transmedicalists believe. But I kind of get the impression that Tumblr transmedicalism has expanded well past its original mandate, to the point that if a lot of “transmedicalists” saw the movement’s original positions they’d go “Whoa that’s way too strict and doesn’t help our community, I want nothing to do with it.”.

Okay so. Elaborating on the stuff I can comment on.

1. DSM what?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes a big thick book called The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, called the DSM for short. This is the “Bible of psychiatry”, North America’s definitive listing of mental disorders and conditions. It receives significant revision and updates roughly every 10-15 years; it was last updated in 2013, meaning it will likely get updated sometime between 2023 and 2028.

The DSM lists hundreds of “codes”, each of which indicates a specific kind of mental disorder. For example, 296.23 is “Major depressive disorder, Single episode, Severe,” and  300.02 is “Generalized anxiety disorder.” These codes have information on how common the condition is, how it’s diagnosed, and what kind of treatment is appropriate for it.

Diagnostic codes are the key to health professionals getting paid. If there isn’t a code for it, we can’t get paid for it, and therefore we have very few resources to treat it with. The people who actually pay for healthcare–usually insurance companies or government agencies–decide how much they will pay for each code item to be treated. They’ll pay for, say, three sessions of group therapy for mild depression (296.21), or they’ll pay for more expensive private therapy if it’s moderate (296.22); they’ll pay for the cheap kind of drug if you have severe depression (296.23), but to get the more expensive drug, you need to have depression with psychotic features (296.24).

Healthcare companies, especially in the USA where the system is very very broken and the DSM is written, are cheap bastards. If they can find an excuse not to fund some treatment, they’ll use it. “We think this person who lost their job and can’t get off the couch should pay this $1000 bill for therapy,” they’ll say. “After all, they were diagnosed as code 296.21, and then saw a private therapist for five sessions, when we only allow three sessions of group therapy, and you’re saying they haven’t had enough treatment yet?”

A lot of the advocacy work mental health professionals do is trying to get the big funding bodies to pay us adequately for the work we do. (This is a much easier process in countries with single-payer healthcare, where this negotiation only needs to be done with a single entity. In the USA, it needs to be done with every single health insurance company in existence, as well as the government, sometimes differently in every single state, and then again on a case-by-case basis as well.) Healthcare providers have to argue that three sessions of group therapy isn’t enough, that Medicaid needs to pay therapists more per hour than it costs those therapists to rent a room to practice in, or else therapists would lose money by seeing Medicaid clients. DSM codes exist a tiny bit to let us communicate with each other about the people we treat, and a huge amount to let us get paid. The fact that their existence lets people make sense of their own experiences and find a community with people who share common experiences and interests with them is a very minor side benefit the DSM’s authors really don’t keep in mind when they update and revise different diagnoses.

So when it comes to convincing insurance companies to pay for treatment, humanitarian reasons like “they’ll be very unhappy without it” tend not to work. The best argument we have for them paying for psychological treatment is that it’s economical: that if they don’t pay for it now, they’ll have to pay even more later. If they refuse to pay, let’s say, $2000 to treat mild depression when someone loses their job, and either refuse treatment or stick the person with the bill, then that person’s life might spiral out of control–they might, let’s say, run low on money, get evicted from their apartment, develop severe depression, attempt suicide, and end up in hospital needing to be medically resuscitated and then put in an inpatient psych ward for a month. The insurance company then faces the prospect of having to pay, let’s say, $100,000 for all that treatment. At which point somebody clever goes, “Huh, so it would have been cheaper to just… pay the original $2000 instead so they could bounce back, get a new job, and not need any of this treatment later.”

Trans healthcare can be kind of expensive, since it often involves counselling, years of hormone therapy, medical garments, and multiple surgeries. Health insurance companies hate paying for anything, and have traditionally wanted not to cover any of this. “This is ridiculous!” they said. “These are elective cosmetic treatments, it’s not like they’re dying of cancer, these people can pay the same rate for breast enhancements or testosterone injections as anyone else.”

So when the APA Task Force on Gender Identity Disorder (a task force comprised, as far as I can tell, entirely of cis people) sat down to plan for the 2013 update of the DSM, one of their biggest goals was: Treatment recommendations. Create a diagnosis which they could effectively use to advocate that insurance companies fund gender transition. Like when you go back and read the documents from their meetings in 2008 and 2011, their big thing is “create a diagnosis that can be used to form treatment recommendations.” So that’s what they did; in 2013 they made the GD diagnosis, and in 2014 the Affordable Care Act required insurers to provide treatment for it.

A lot of trans people weren’t happy with the DSM task force’s decisions, such as the choice to keep “Transvestic Fetishism,” which is basically the autogynephilia theory, and just rename it “Transvestic Disorder”. The creation of the Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, basically, was designed to force the preventive care argument. They didn’t think they could win on trans healthcare being a necessity because healthcare is a human right, so they went with: Trans people have a very high suicide rate, and one way to bring it down is to help them transition. One of the major predictors of suicidality is dysphoria. The more dysphoric someone is, the more likely they are to attempt suicide (source).  Therefore, health insurers should fund treatment for gender dysphoria because it was cheaper than paying for emergency room admissions and inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations.

I have spoken to trans scientists about what research exists, and my understanding is: The dysphoria/no dysphoria split is not actually validated in the science. That is, when you research trans people, there is not some huge gaping difference between the experiences, or brains, of people With Dysphoria, and people Without Dysphoria. Mostly, scientists haven’t even thought it was an important distinction to study. The diagnosis wasn’t reflecting a strong theme in the research about trans experiences; that research showed that trans people with all levels of dysphoria were helped with medical transition. The biggest difference is just that dysphoria is a stronger risk factor for suicide. Experiencing transphobia is another strong risk factor, but that’s harder to measure in a doctor’s office, so dysphoria it was.

(I’ve seen some transmedicalists claim that dysphoria’s major feature is incongruence, not distress. And I’ll just say, uh… in psychology, “dysphoria” is the opposite of of “euphoria”, literally means “excessive pain”, and is used in many disorders to describe a deep-seated sense of distress and wrongness. As a mental health professional, I just can’t imagine most of my colleagues agreeing that something can be called “dysphoria” if the person doesn’t feel real distress about it. If you want a diagnosis that doesn’t demand dysphoria, you’d need Gender Incongruence in the upcoming version of the ICD-11, which is the primary diagnostic system used in Europe, published by the World Health Organization.)

2. Doctors are not magic

Medicine is a science, and science is a system of knowledge based on having an idea, testing it against reality, and revising that knowledge in light of what you learned. We’re learning and growing all the time.

I don’t know if this sounds painfully obvious or totally groundbreaking, but: Basically all medical research is done by people who don’t have the condition they’re writing about. Psychology has a strong historical bias against believing the personal testimonies of people with conditions that have been deemed mental disorders, so researchers who have experienced the disorder they’re writing about have often had to hide that fact, like Kay Redfield Jamison hiding that she had bipolar disorder until she became a world-renowned expert on it, or Marsha Linehan hiding that she had borderline personality disorder until she pioneered the treatment that could effectively cure it. Often, having a condition was seen as proof you couldn’t actually have a truthful and objective experience of it.

So what I’m trying to say is: The “gender dysphoria” diagnosis was written and debated, so far as I can tell, by entirely cis committee members. The vast majority of psychological and psychiatric research about LGBT+ people is written by cisgender heterosexual scientists. Most clinical and scientific writing has been outsider scientists looking at people they have enormous power over and making decisions about their basic existence with very little accountability.

And to show you how far we’ve come, I want to show you part of the DSM as it was from 1952 to 1973. It shows you just why so many older LGBT+ people find it deeply ironic that now the DSM is being held up as definitive of trans experience:

302 Sexual Deviation This category is for individuals whose sexual interests are directed primarily toward objects other than people of the opposite sex, toward sexual acts not usually associated with coitus, or towards coitus performed under bizarre circumstances as in necrophilia, pedophilia, sexual sadism, and fetishism. Even though many find their practices distasteful, they remain unable to substitute normal sexual behavior for them. This diagnosis is not appropriate for individuals who perform deviant sexual acts because normal sexual objects are not available to them.

302.0 Homosexuality 302.1 Fetishism 302.2 Pedophilia 302.2 Transvestitism […]

Yes, really. That is how psychiatry viewed us. At a time when research from other fields, like psychology and sociology, were showing that this view was completely unsupported by evidence, psychiatry thought LGBT+ people were fundamentally disordered, criminal, and incapable of prosocial behaviour.

My favourite retelling of the decades of activism it took LGBT+ people and allies to get the DSM to change is from a friend who did her master’s thesis on the topic, because she leaves in the clown suits and gay bars, which really shows how scientific and dignified the process was. The long story short is:  It took over 20 years of lobbying by LGBT+ people who were sick and tired of being locked up in mental institutions and subjected to treatments like electroshock training, as well as by LGBT+ social scientists, clinicians, and psychiatrists, to get homosexuality declassified as a mental illness. And that was homosexuality; the push to change how trans people were listed in the DSM is very recent, as seen in the latest version listing “Transvestic Disorder”, a description very few trans people ever use for themselves.

Here are a few more examples of how people with a condition have had to take an active part in the science about them:

When HIV/AIDS appeared in the USA, the government didn’t care why drug addicts and gay people were dying mysteriously. Hospitals refused to treat people with this mysterious new disease. AIDS patients had to fight to get any funding put into what AIDS is, how it spreads, or how it could be treated; they also had to campaign to change the massive public prejudice against them, so they could be treated, housed, and allowed to live. Here’s an article on the activist tactics they used. If you want an intro to the fight (or at least, white peoples’ experience of it), you could look into the movies How to Survive a Plague, And the Band Played On, and The Normal Heart.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a little-understood disease that causes debilitating exhaustion. It’s found twice as often in women as men. Doctors understand very little about what it is or why it happens, and patients with CFS are often written off a lazy hypochondriacs who just don’t want to try hard. There are basically no known treatments. In 2011, a British study said that an effective treatment for CFS was “graded exercise”, a program where people did slowly increasing levels of physical activity. This flew in the face of what people with CFS knew to be true: That their disease caused them to get much worse after they exercised. That for them, being forced to do ever-increasing exercise was basically tantamount to torture, so it was very concerning that health authorities and insurance companies began requiring that they undergo graded exercise treatment (and parents with children with CFS had to put their children through this treatment, or lose custody for “medical neglect”). So they investigated the study, found that it was seriously flawed, got many health authorities to reverse their position on graded exercise, and have made strides into pointing researchers to looking into biological causes of their illness.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a rare but debilitating disease that isn’t researched much, because it affects such a small portion of the population. The ALS community realized that if they wanted better treatment, they would need to raise the money for research themselves. In 2014 they organized a viral “ice bucket challenge” to get people to donate to their cause, and raised $115 million, enough to make significant advances in understanding ALS and getting closer to a cure.

A common treatment for Autism is Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA), which is designed to encourage “desired” behaviours and discourage “undesired” ones. The problem is, the treatment targets behaviour an Autistic person’s parents and teachers consider desirable or undesirable, without consideration that some “undesired” behaviours (like stimming) are fundamental and necessary to the wellbeing of Autistic people. Furthermore, the treatment involves punishing Autistic children for failure to behave as expected–in traditional ABA, by witholding rewards or praise until they stop, or in more extreme cases, by subjecting them to literal electric shocks to punish them. (In that last case, they’ve been ordered to stop using the shock devices by August 31, 2020. That only took YEARS.) Autistic people have had to campaign loud and long to say that different treatment strategies should be researched and used, especially on Autistic children.

So I mean… I get that the medical model can provide an element of validation and social acceptance. It can feel really good to have people in white coats back you up and say you’re the real deal. But if you get in touch with most LGBT+ and transgender groups, they’d say that there’s still a lot of work to be done when it comes to researching trans issues and getting scientific and governmental authorities to recognize your rights to social acceptance and medical treatment.

Within a few years, the definition you’re resting on will turn to sand beneath your feet. The Great DSM Machine will begin whirring into life pretty soon and considering what revisions it has to make. You’ll have an opportunity to make your voice heard and to push for real change. So… do you want to be part of that process of pushing trans rights forward, or do you just want to feel loss because they’re changing your strict definition of who’s valid and who’s not?

3. Scarcity is not a law of physics

One of the major arguments I see transmedicalists push is that there’s only a limited number of surgeries or hormone prescriptions available, so it’s not okay for a non-dysphoric person to “steal” the resources that another trans person might need more. This makes sense in a limited kind of way; it’s a good way to operate if, say, you’re sharing a pizza for lunch and deciding whether to give the last slice to someone who’s hungry and hasn’t eaten, or someone who’s already full.

When you start to back up and look at really big and complex systems–basically anything as big, or bigger, than a school board or a hospital or a municipal government–it’s not a helpful lens anymore. Because the most important thing about social institutions is that they can change. We can make them change. And the most important factor in how much the world changes is how many people demand that it change.

I’ve talked about this before when it comes to homeless shelters, and how the absolute worst thing they can have are empty beds. I used to work in women’s shelters, which came about when second-wave feminists started seriously looking at the problem of domestic violence in the 1960s and 70s, It was an issue male-dominated governments and healthcare systems hadn’t taken seriously before, but feminists started heck and did research and staged demonstrations and basically demanded that organizations that worked for the “public benefit” reduce the number of women being killed by their husbands. Their research showed that the leading cause of death in those cases were when women tried to leave and their partners tried to kill them, so the most obvious solution was to give them someplace safe to go where their partners couldn’t find them. Therefore the solution became: Women’s shelters. When feminists committed to founding and running these shelters, local governments could be talked into giving them money to keep them running.

(Men’s rights activists, the misogynist kind, like to whine about “why aren’t there men’s shelters?” and the very simple answer is: Because you didn’t fight for them, you teatowels. Whether a movement gets resources and funding is hugely a reflection of how many people have said, “This needs resources and funding! Look, I’m writing a cheque! Everyone, throw money at this!” In other news, The BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse does great work. People should throw money at them.)

When the system in power knows there are resources it wants and doesn’t have, it finds a way to make them appear. For example, in Canada, the government knows that it doesn’t have enough trained professionals living in its far North, where the population is scarce and not very many people want to live. Doctors and teachers would prefer to live in the southern cities. But because it’s committed to Northern schools and hospitals, they create incentives. For example, the government offers to pay off the student loans of teachers or health professionals who agree to work for a few years in Northern communities.

Part of why trans healthcare resources are so scarce is that for a long time, trans people were considered too small a part of the population to care about. Like, “Trans people exist, but we won’t have to deal with them.” Older estimates said 0.4% of the population was trans, which meant a city of 100,000 people would have 400 trans people. A single family doctor can have 2000 or 3000 clients, so the city could have maybe 1 or 2 doctors who really “got” trans issues, and all the trans people would tell each other to only go see those doctors because all the rest were assholes. And the cracks in the system didn’t really seem serious. A couple hundred dissatisfied people not getting the healthcare they needed? Meh! Hospital administrators had more to worry about!

But the trans population is growing. A recent poll of Generation Z said 2.6% of middle schoolers in Minnesota were some kind of trans. which is 2,600 per 100,000. That’s enough to make hospitals think that maybe the next endocrinologist or OB/GYN they hire should have some training in treating trans people. That’s enough to make a health authority think that maybe the state should open up a new gender confirmation surgery clinic, since demand is rising so much.

Or well, I mean. Hospitals have a lot on their minds. This might not occur to them as their top priority. They’d probably think of it a lot sooner if a bunch of those trans people sent them letters or took out a billboard or showed up by the dozens at a public meeting to say, “Hello, there are a fuckload of us. Budget accordingly. We want to see your projected numbers for the next five years.”

When you’re doing that kind of work, suddenly it hurts your cause to limit your number of concerned parties. Sure, limited focus groups or steering committees can have limited membership, but when you put their ideas into action, to protest something or lobby for political change, you need numbers. If you want to show that you’re a big and important group that systems should definitely pay attention to, you don’t just need every trans or GNC or NB person who’s got free time to devote to your campaign, you also need every cis ally who can pad out numbers or lick envelopes or hand out water bottles or slip you insider information about the agenda at the next board meeting. You need bodies, time, and money, and you get them best by being inclusive about who’s in your party. Heck, if it would benefit your cause to team up with the local breast cancer group because trans women and cis women who have had mastectomies both have an interest in asking a hospital to have a doctor on staff who knows how to put a set of tits together, then there are strong reasons to do it.

Basically: All the time any marginalized group spends fighting over scraps is generally time we could spend demanding that the people handing out the food give us another plate. If you don’t think you’re getting enough, the best answer isn’t to knock it out of somebody’s hands, but to get together to say, “HEY! WE’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH!”

That kind of work is complicated and difficult! It’s definitely much harder than yelling at someone on Tumblr for not being trans enough. But if you do any level of getting involved with activist groups that fight for real systemic change, whether that’s following your local Pride Centre on Twitter or throwing $5 at a trans advocacy group or writing your elected representative about the need for more trans health resources, you’re pushing forward lasting change that will help everyone.

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: April

Part 1 | Part 2: November | Part 3: January

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 2.1k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old. 

Taglist: @ohchoices @dulceghernandez @aylamwrites @binny1985 @ramseysno1rookie @interobanginyourmom @queencarb @imactuallytheceoofthecompany @rookiefromedenbrook @eramsey28 @choicesficwriterscreations

________________________________________

They seemingly had put this event behind them. The couple moved through the motions of daily life as shadows of who they used to be. They kept a routine and followed it to a T - Ethan profoundly thankful for the false sense of normalcy for which it gave. He could rest easier knowing they were almost in sync again. But unbeknownst to him, Rebecca thought about their unborn child and the life they could have had every single day. 

Becca’s pride still kept her from seeking help. She didn’t want to bother Ethan anymore with the what-ifs and could-have-beens. She believed he truly had moved on and forgotten - he didn’t seem weighed down by their decision anymore, his eyes weren’t as heavy as hers anymore. 

She had gotten very good at pretending she wasn’t being swallowed alive. Every morning she dressed herself in her best clothes, would put her makeup on carefully over her weaknesses, and paint a smile on her face all the while thinking of the little imaginary bundle sleeping in their pristine second bedroom. In her mind she and Ethan turned the spare bedroom into a pink and white haven of a nursery after days of arguing over textures and color schemes wanting everything to be perfect for her. The thought of her baby’s peaceful, scrunchy face gave Becca the courage to continue on.   

At work Becca tried very hard to avoid the overgrown concern of her friends and the other members of the diagnostics team but there was no escape. She had been back at work for nearly four months and they’ve all seen her destructive and desolate actions - from not sleeping to overworking and constant avoidance of any sort of personal actions. One day at lunch Sienna and Kyra tried to get her to open up but Becca put on her curated mask and distanced herself further. 

“Hey,” Sienna said with all the courage she could muster. “How's life at Ramsey’s?” she asked as she sat down across from her best friend whom she spotted alone at a corner table and staring at the wall. 

Becca’s eyes were void of emotion, just hollow spheres staring back at two of her dearest allies. Her chicken and avocado salad remained closed and untouched with not even a fork in sight. Between Sienna’s uncertainty and Becca’s disinterest the air around them was cumbrous.  

“Are you gettin’ it all the time?” Kyra tried to lighten the mood with an eyebrow wiggle as she took her seat next to Sienna. 

Becca took a second to contort her features before answering, needing to muster up enough strength so her voice didn’t sound as weak as the two pairs of concerned chocolate eyes boring down on her made her feel. 

“It’s good,” she forced through a weak smile hoping her friends bought it for joy. “Weird...but also in a good way?” 

It was weird in the sense that Becca still knew Ethan didn’t believe in marriage or children, and yet he made the leap. He pushed himself and solidified her as his partner - his life partner with a set of keys, name on the bills and all. On paper as far as litigation was concerned Ethan and Rebecca were on their way to a civil partnership. Although she doubted they would make it that far. It’s only been a few months. We could still break up… 

On edge, Sienna took a big gulp of air in hope that she worded her next question just right, “Are you happy?”  

Her eyes searched her broken friend’s features for any indication of the truth. 

“Yes,” Becca replied meekly. 

“I’m worried about you,” Sienna whispered back. 

Kyra broke the trance between the two hurting girls and added just as softly, “We’re all worried about you.”  

Becca shifted her weight towards Kyra. 

“I’m fine,” with great effort she etched a small convincing smile into her features. 

Her eyes met Kyra’s and for a second she felt guilty for keeping this a secret - for worrying her one friend that should be enjoying her new lease on life. Kyra has been in remission for the last six months after undergoing a risky and experimental surgery last year. On top of her shallowness, Becca now regretted not being able to let Kyra lead the carefree life she battled so ruthlessly to get. 

“Just busy with everything going on. Ethan’s been having me shadow tough cases,” Becca lied. Ethan didn’t want her anywhere near the most disastrous of cases for fear something would set her off and she’d crumble back into that dark hole once and for all. But Becca didn’t listen. She would tag along with June and Baz, Ethan unable to stop her without letting the cat out of the bag. 

Kyra didn’t waver in calling her out, “Becca, we’ve barely seen you since you moved out.” 

Looking down at the table, the insecure friend with a weight permanently lodged in her chest said, “We have a lot going on.”  

“Can we talk about it?” Sienna all but begged, “I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.”  

Becca brushed off the notion with a shake of her head, “It’s nothing.” 

Kyra’s hand reached across the table for Becca’s, “You know you can tell us anything, right? We’ll still love you.”  

They may still love me but they’ll never look at me the same way. They’ll never see just Becca, they’ll see me as the failed mother that I am. 

Becca folded her hands in her lap and sat taller. Looking between the two before her, she responded, “I love you too.” 

  The only person not throwing a pity party at Becca’s expense in the slightest was Dr. June Hirata. For that she was actually grateful for the arrogant and manipulative doctor on her team. Although psychological behavior is her trade, June did her best to keep her questions and analysis of Becca to herself. No point in igniting that fire again, June thought as she reminded herself of the time Becca scolded her for reading her employee file behind her back way back when. 

June knew ever since that encounter that Rebecca regarded her with extreme contempt, however one day she just couldn’t stop the gnawing desire to know why Dr. Rebecca Lao so adamantly avoided working on cases with her boyfriend after watching the two not-so-subtly stare each other down at daily briefing. 

“What’s going on with you lately?” June so casually asked as they walked in stride through the illuminated walls of Edenbrook to their next patient’s room - a four year old boy who hadn't had a bowel movement in weeks and the warning signs of vertigo.  

“Nothing,” Becca muttered firmly before dismissing, “Don’t worry about it, June.” 

“Whatever you say, Dr. Lao.” Although Becca wasn’t looking at her she could feel Dr. Hirata’s harsh eye roll. “Trouble in paradise?” the British doctor added, shooting her shot. 

Not only did June make notes of Becca’s recent behavior, she noticed how Ethan had changed over the last few months as well. At one point the hair on his chin was longer and more unkempt than she’d ever seen. His facial features were older as if he carried a burden - one much bigger than his previous hardship of holding onto Naveen’s secret years ago. Dr. Hirata never thought she’d seen this statuesque man crumble any lower than when he thought his dear friend was on death row. 

June observed how Ethan was on edge and snapped easily during those early weeks of the incident. Then he seemed to tiptoe around Rebecca at work, secretly reassigning some of her cases or running the tests himself behind her back. Now more recently she noted that the pair avoided working one-on-one. He was protecting something and the thought of not knowing irked Dr. Hirata to no end. 

I know I’d want to work closely with my boyfriend every chance I got. 

It wasn’t a secret Ethan and Becca were dating, Elijah let it slip to a few of the nurse’s by accident once long before. Even if he didn't, anyone who spent enough time with the two doctor’s could feel the undeniable chemistry that radiated off of them - the pure unadulterated adoration they shared even in the darkest of times.   

“It’s none of your business,” Becca snapped as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from letting her emotions take over. 

Rebecca knew her relationship with Ethan was far from what it once was. They didn’t have the same banter anymore or playfully debate to get in the last word. They found it increasingly complicated to challenge one another now; neither wanting to push the other too far. They were fragile. They were a window - the thick glass of their relationship looking ahead but also peeking back into the other side, constantly and simultaneously staring back at what once was and what’s to come. One small stone could break them - only having to find the spot with the most tension and they’d shatter. 

Ethan and Becca continuously strived to bring back the passion they once shared. She would take him out to dinner or to his sacred box at the opera, things she knew were convivial and released his stress. Ethan would plan dates to Naveen’s cabin where they could spend some time enjoying the outdoors, or he would spend countless evenings looking for new and trendy food trucks to drag her too, just like her friends used to do back before. All they wanted was for the other to be happier. 

Sometimes a little gleam would pass through their features, though not long enough for either one to relish in it. 

***

They laid in their king-sized bed wrapped in each other's arms after a grueling day at the hospital. Becca’s head nuzzled in the soft nook where Ethan’s bare chest met the crook of his neck - her favorite spot. The rain poured down sideways outside rapping on the large window with monotonous ticks. Ethan’s eyes stared blankly at the bare ceiling cherishing their comfortable silence while absentmindedly tracing circles over his ratty t-shirt on her back. Both were thankful for the peaceful closeness found in the simplistic nature of snuggling, the intimacy found in the warmth of the other. 

In the safety of their dark bedroom, shielded by Ethan’s embrace and cloaked by the late hour of time Becca found the courage to speak from her heart, 

“What do you think our life would be like if we had it?” 

It’d be six weeks til due date this week.  

“Becca…” Ethan warned. 

A quick surge of unencumbered courage kept her going, “It’d be due in June… Would we be looking at houses or turning the second bedroom into a nursery?” 

He let out a sigh. At least she’s finally talking about it. 

Finally Ethan let themselves indulge in bringing up their future. 

“I’d imagine we’d buy a townhome nearby,” he rationalized, furrowing his brows as he thought of the logistics of making room for baby. He moved his hand up from her back to run his fingers through Becca’s messy hair, still looking at the blank canvas ceiling as he painted the picture. “I like this area; it’s quiet and close to work. We would need a couple more rooms definitely and a backyard for Jenner and…” His hand ceased all motion. “it to play in.” He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge a child - their child. That’s not what the universe had planned for them. 

Letting his words give her security she smiled into his chest and continued the fantasy, “My mom would definitely want to come stay with us the first few months.” Her hand on his chest searched for his free hand in the dark. 

“My dad as well,” he told her matter-of-factly as he laced their fingers together. Ethan let out a preemptive chuckle, “Hell, Naveen would probably move himself in,” he joked and she could hear the happy smirk adorning his lips. She felt his chest rise and fall a little quicker as he laughed to himself at the thought of his mentor being consistently present throughout their children’s lives. In this moment - wrapped up in the dream - everything made sense. 

None of this would be possible without her, he thought with a small shake of his head, thinking of their beginning and how she made all his days all the more bearable. How, through her weaseling, she was able to give Naveen more years than he could have imagined and a family Ethan never thought possible. 

Although the springtime storm raged outdoors the atmosphere around the couple was light and airy. A curated happiness circled around them, begging them to fall into the future.  

“The more the merrier!” she noted happily. Cuddling further into Ethan, needing him to be so much closer. “It takes a village after all.”  

Without thinking Ethan responded with a grin and a kiss to her head, “Our kids won’t be lonely, that’s for sure.” 

Her heart leaped. 

Is he coming around?

____________________

A/N: Whelp. We only have one more part left... i’m not ready for it to be over 😥

like/comment/reblog i need the validation

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Blending left field jazz elements with club tropes to forge something truly new, Emma-Jean Thackray's work is never less than riveting. New album Yellow is out on July 2, with the composer commenting: “It’s a record about togetherness, the oneness of all things in the universe, showing love and kindness, human connection. I approached the record by trying to simulate a life-changing psychedelic experience, an hour where we see behind the curtain to a hidden dimension, where the physical realm melts away and we finally see that we are all one.” Set to be released via her own Movementt imprint, the album is led by gorgeous new single 'Say Something' - opening with glimmers of Rhodes piano, it leans on that hi-hat shuffle before Emma-Jean Thackray uses her voice to elevate the song. A plea towards communication, it's a powerful introduction. [via Clash]

Philadelphia punk rockers Mannequin Pussy have released the title track to Perfect, their upcoming EP due out May 21. The new song comes with a flashy music video that’s inspired by the kitschy glamor of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, too. Musically, 'Perfect' is a distorted blaze of rock guitars that sees vocalist-guitarist Missy eviscerating the idea that people must manicure their own social media presence. “Last year, I found myself spending more time on my phone than I ever had in my life… I realized that through years of social media training, many of us have grown this deep desire to manicure our lives to look as perfect, as aspirational as possible,” explained Missy in a statement. “We want to put ourselves out there, share our lives, our stories, our day to day — and these images and videos all shout the same thing: ‘Please look at me, please tell me I’m so perfect.’ It’s simultaneously a declaration of our confidence but edged with the desperation that seeks validation from others.” In the accompanying music video, directed by Missy, viewers get to watch as a 10-year reunion at Sugarbush High slowly unravels. It opens on three former classmates, all three of whom are pregnant, dishing some hushed gossip and talking about how they want to get plastic surgery that’s so good they mistake one another for strangers. Cue two students-turned-drag queens making a grand entrance and strutting their stuff on the dance floor (mirroring the 1997 comedy classic) while old classmates gasp, shield their eyes, and panic. Meanwhile, Mannequin Pussy can be seen tearing up the band stage while they perform live. [via Consequence]

Following the release of her debut EP I Can’t Cry For You in December, Manchester’s Phoebe Green is back with new bop ‘IDK’. “[It] explores a complete detachment from reality, observing things from a place of total apathy and feeling as though I’m witnessing my life as a bystander with little to no connection to it,” Phoebe explains. “It’s a horrible state to be in, I think it happens when I get overwhelmed.” [via DIY]

Fast-rising French-Korean artist spill tab is unveiling her latest mesmerising single ‘Anybody Else’. Accompanied by a new vid directed by friend and collaborator Jade Sadler, spill tab says, “This song is cheesy as fuck but I love it, it’s pretty straight forward, a little shameless - the lyrics are sort of a way of expressing my love without openly saying I love you. Jade Sadler (the video director) and I just wanted to have a shit ton of fun on this one. We thought about something with narrative or plot and it was just getting to be too corny. I wanted something lighthearted and playful, so we decided we would have all of our homies in this video paired with different colors and angles and set designs. I’m so excited with the way it turned out.” [via DIY]

Willow Kayne has shared her debut single 'Two Seater'. The Gen Z talent links together huge opposing forces, creating her own potent brand of rebel-pop. New single 'Two Seater' finds Willow blazing a trail, upending convention through melding together differing sounds. The lush, 90s inspired soundscape leans on nostalgic impulses, but her punk-like disregard for convention is sheer pop futurism. Produced by DANIO, it finds Willow Kayne coming into her own completely off the bat. [via Clash]

BENEE has shared a video for her single ‘Happen To Me’. It’s the latest cut from her debut album, Hey u x, which arrived last November featuring guest spots from the likes of Grimes, Lily Allen and Flo Milli. “This song is super important to me,” she says. “It’s the opening track [on the album]. It’s the first song where I’ve written about anxiety. The lyrics are pretty dark. Life is pretty crazy right now, and I think it’s important to talk about this kind of stuff.” Of the video, she adds: “Stoked to be sharing this music video with everyone! I filmed it with a bunch of mates, and it was the coolest set! Hope you love it as much as I do.” [via Dork]

Los Angeles-based art-pop artist Kit Major has shared the music video for 'When the Drugs Don't Work,' a more introspective stab at her signature dark, electropop sound. Blending driving dance beats and thumping hyperpop-influenced synths, Kit Major creates an intoxicating elixir of soundbites and grit. Taking inspiration from Charli XCX, Billie Eilish, and Charlotte Lawrence, 'When the Drugs Don't Work' dives into the overwhelming vulnerability and panic of failing to curb a depressive episode with medication. With this release, Kit Major furthers her efforts to be open and make light of her mental health struggles. On the video, Kit Major shares, "'When The Drugs Don't Work' was filmed in one weekend, directed by my best friend in my departed grandparents' now empty house. We filmed this in quarantine without a crew and worked to create a dark & twisted fairytale together. When I first started thinking about the video, I knew I wanted a more lighthearted take to balance the darker theme of my mental health in the song. I wrote the lyric, “little princess hurt locked away inside her palace,” because sometimes when I'm isolated in my room I visualize myself as a Disney princess running inside her castle, instead of being in my bed, surrounded by empty water bottles. This song was written from a mix of different perspectives including my own, my persona, and outside voices. I think we accomplished the storytelling behind WTDDW by portraying the importance of imagination and trusting yourself."  Alongside, director Noël Dombroski adds, "WDDW is a raw, introspective song from Kit that shines a light on parts of herself that at times may be hard to face. We were lucky enough to be able to shoot at Kit's late grandparents' house, an emotionally significant location that acts in the video as the inside of Kit's head. We wanted to challenge viewers to look at every facet of themselves and realize that each part is valuable, even if you may not like it. A conversation we had a lot was about the color scene, where the image of Kit is being pulled apart by color channels. You may hate one of those colors, but you still need it to create that full image. The same can sometimes be said about depression - it may be a layer of yourself that you don't care for, but without that experience, I don't know that WDDW could exist." The music video dives into the psychological turmoil at the heart of the track with a hyperstylized touch. Spotlights wander through a funhouse version of Kit's childhood home, hunting down our protagonist, who we find trapped behind bars, downing teardrops from teacups and champagne from the bottle. Simultaneously unnerving and stimulating in a Paranormal Activity-meets Alice in Wonderland aestheticism, the music video for 'When the Drugs Don't Work' dives into the floating images of a mental breakdown with a fever dream lucidity.

Number One Popstar continues to prove herself as a powerhouse, shaking up the music world with her fresh, unapologetic beats. This week, she shares another one, her new single 'Forever 21.' And no, it’s not about clothes. 'Forever 21' begins with a kicking beat, but subdued with reflective, twinkly keys. It’s a perfect mix of existential dread and dance. Carrying this vibe throughout, it breaks in between with a beaming guitar-driven bridge. Lyrically, the track makes us question why brands and media make it seem like our twenties are our prime, when we still have our whole lives ahead of us? Despite the effervescent pop sound, Hollowell got vulnerable about her past and its effect on the song, saying, "I initially started writing 'Forever 21' when I found myself looking back on my early 20’s, wanting to recapture the hopeful and dumb feelings of my youth. But the longer I spent on the song, the more it became a reflection of the loss I faced when my parents passed away in my early 20s. I started looking at my own fear of death, of dying like them. I really didn’t know where my life was headed back then. […] I eventually turned that painful experience into a motivation to go after everything I wanted in life. To be seriously less serious, recognizing everything is fleeting.” Like her other music videos, Hollowell likes to flip popular culture and societal expetations on their head. While also bringing the fear of aging to life, she also reminds audiences to stay present instead of holding on to youth. [via Earmilk]

Following in the footsteps of Prince and Lizzo, Dizzy Fae is set to become the Twin Cities’ next pop sensation. She just dropped her brand new track, 'BODY MOVE', and much like the name suggests, it will make you want to move. Self-described as alternative R&B, Fae takes a few notes from contemporary hyperpop artists like Charli XCX and Doja Cat with an industrial iciness that plays off the technicolor pop melodies. It’s an influence you can hear on 'BODY MOVE', produced by New York’s Stelios (Young Thug, SZA). The track builds itself off a snappy, rubber band bass line indebted to pop’s recent disco revival. “It’d be so cruel if I didn’t let my body move,” Fea’s voice loops through a robotic filter. A buzzing drum machines barrels in at the chorus, transforming the lightly retro groove to a futuristic club track more akin to the production styles of 100 gecs. But for all the modern influences, the Ying Yang Twins reference shows she’s a student of all types of music. [via Consequence]

Technically, 'Your Power' is not the lead single from Billie Eilish’s newly announced album Happier Than Ever. The album includes two songs she released last year: the jazzy, well received ballad 'my future' and the contemptuous multi-format radio hit 'Therefore I Am.' However, 'Your Power' is the first song Eilish has released since announcing the new album, debuting her new look, and officially commencing her LP2 era, so there’s definitely a deep sense of anticipations around the song. Eilish teased 'Your Power' this week with a brief sound snippet featuring acoustic guitar and the words “Try not to use your power” sung to a Feist-y melody. Now the full song and its Eilish-directed music video have arrived. The completed record remains as soft, pretty, and devastatingly sad as the preview audio. In the clip, a slow pan across a mountainside in the Simi Valley reveals Eilish in the clutches of a gigantic snake. (A press release specifies that it’s an 80-pound anaconda.) [via Stereogum]

[dropintomanga]

Regarding That CODA Anti-Piracy Campaign

So I found out that this is a thing.

CODA (Japan’s Content Overseas Distribution Agency) decided to do a manga campaign featuring 16 manga stories from notable mangaka (list of mangaka can be be found here) about anti-piracy in order to stop readers from reading manga on scanlation and/or unofficial raw sites. The theme of every manga in this campaign is basically read legal manga with lessons featuring each respective mangaka’s series and characters (i.e. Adachitoka and Noragami’s Yato and Yukine). 

As of July 3, 2020, all the comics are out. They give off important messages about anti-piracy with humor, anger, and grace. I just don’t know who they are trying to convince at this point.

A big problem is the issue of awareness and education when it comes to topics that no one may care about (yet). I see this in mental health. While we have things like Mental Health Awareness Month, suicide rates continue to rise, people with mental illness continue to be ignored and the mental health system continues to be in shambles. The problem with promoting “awareness” is that it doesn’t point out notable actions one can take after hearing about what they are now aware of. It just doesn’t feel measurable. There are fine people who want to know how to help, but you need to tell them how. 

Now there’s one CODA manga story that does tell people to look for legal manga apps/volumes containing an official sign of legitimacy, which is labeled “ABJ - Authorized Books of Japan.” But almost all of these stories don’t really provide useful advice on how to support the Japanese manga industry. They just tell you to do the right thing.

I worry about the hyperbole shouting in some of the manga. One manga has a character going “Do you want manga to be wiped off the face of the earth!?” in an effort to shame someone who read illegal manga on their phone. Another character in another manga said that the industry loses 3.2 billion yen per year (a number I find very hard to believe). There is a big danger to manga in Japan, but piracy is only part of the picture. 

There’s also something that bothers me - some mangaka featured in the campaign know that a good number of fans are naive about pirated manga and see the good in people. However, while there are multitudes of legal manga options available in Japan, the same can’t be said for most of the world that’s not America, France, England or any notable first-world country. Region locks are still a thing and Japan is super-notorious for this.

For an organization that’s focused on overseas promotion of content, region-locking shouldn’t be a thing if you do see the good in people who are willing to support manga as best they can.

I wish mangaka didn’t have to resort to drawing stories telling fans to not pirate their works. I know there are fans who wish a service that has everything (Spotify, Crunchyroll, Netflix, etc.) is the perfect solution. I just don’t know if it will make a difference because reading isn’t highly valued as a leisure activity overseas compared to Japan. The number of anime viewers still dwarf over the number of manga readers.  

I feel like nothing is going to change. However, I do have one suggestion that probably will never be taken. Train mangaka to be more of a visual online content creator-type a la Twitch streamers. With art streams being more of a thing on Twitch, the timing is perfect. This idea came to me as I listened to a fascinating podcast about the psychology of Twitch donations. Basically, it talked about why do Twitch users donate money and subscribe to streamers. 

There was this caveat about research on Twitch donations in that the people who donate/subscribe often make low-to-moderate income. So what compels them to give? Why are they willing to support streamers? While content is still a major reason, another key is an emotional connection that’s experienced via the visual medium that is the stream. There’s some kind of meaningful interaction via Twitch chat as streamers do mention users by name and thanking them for the support.

The researcher in the featured podcast believes the days of “the internet is always free” are becoming a thing of the past. This is true as more industries are figuring out how to make money via the internet that works for them and their consumers. The researcher also argued that having just content isn’t enough to make money on the internet. She said that if you’re not going to make easy all-in-one solutions (i.e. a Netflix-like manga app), then you better deliver added value to the consumer that isn’t just more content and makes them feel appreciative.

Right now, there’s very little-to-no visual emotional connection/community between the manga industry/creators and the fans at all. Everything’s all about content without feeling visual attachment to the manga creator. I see manga publishers promoting special editions with extra goods like OVAs/charms/etc. Those feel more like incentives than rewards as they don’t really change fans’ behavior. There has to be some added value alongside the manga in the form of community (this is one major reason why Crunchyroll has thrived). Maybe overseas fans need to feel that their voices really matter to mangaka or want mangaka on a video platform to acknowledge them in a para-social kind of way in order for them to provide some monetary support.

In Japan, mangaka get letters from fans and they talk about them from time-to-time. Sometimes, those letters do get mentioned online. I would love to see talks of fan letters via video form as a way to reach online audiences.

I do feel that manga publishers outside of Japan are trying their best as they do get mangaka and manga editors to come over to their countries. They are generating community as best they can, but they are still limited in scope since they don’t have control of what the entire Japanese manga industry says. I don’t envy anyone who works in manga because of this.

To be fair, I can’t expect every mangaka to start streaming on platforms like Twitch/Nico due to privacy reasons and general shyness. Sure, there’s Twitter, but how often does social media lead to donations? Rarely. Mangaka also have no time to worry about what overseas readers are into when they have to worry about their own country. Publishers may not also totally understand how streaming works as promotion and the intentions of its users. Look up Atlus Japan and Persona 5 streaming as an example of Japanese companies being unnecessarily wary of streaming. Japanese companies arguably want an absurd amount of control when it comes to promoting their messages to overseas audiences.

I don’t want to bring up Stu Levy, but he once tweeted years ago that the games industry seemed better to work with than the book publishing industry. I hate to admit that there’s a grain of truth in what he said despite whatever you think of him. Seeing Japanese manga publishers continue to struggle with how to handle piracy makes think about Levy’s words. 

I think a more reasonable goal at this point is to get fans to pirate less manga over time. You can’t expect every fan to quit pirating 100% right away. It never works that way. There will be relapses and we have to be forgiving of that. Relapse is part of the healing process. Shaming someone who may continue to make mistakes from time-to-time (instead of believing they can still heal via good planning) makes them go more all-in on hiding their “bad” behaviors. I mean, as someone with mental illness, I was afraid of making mistakes as I didn’t want to be yelled at. I was told that failure was awful. It made me feel I would never be loved if I wasn’t perfect despite my best efforts. Is this something we want manga fans to experience?

CODA’s manga website URL has the word “enlightenment” in it. The only enlightening thing right now is that we still haven’t reached a solid middle ground that truly bridges manga fans and the manga industry together and financially rewards both to create a manga ecosystem that’s as good as the anime ecosystem today.

[relationships-world]

Relationship rewrite method

https://relationship.healthbrzee.com/

read following points:-1)  Unlock His Love with The Power of Conversational Storywhen does he think of you?  When your name pops up on your man's phone, what do you think goes through his head? Is he excited to talk to you? Does he feel compelled to respond right away? Does he read your texts but then leave you waiting for a response until most of the day has passed? Or does he completely ignore the messages? The truth is, A LOT is going on in his mind when it comes to you. Memories, emotions, anticipation of the future (is this going to be a good interaction or a bad one?)... All these things flash through his mind in the blink of an eye. And his response (or lack thereof) is more of a gut feeling than a well thought out decision. The same is true when it comes to how he views your relationship in general. If you're having a hard time getting through to him, chances are he feels bad about the relationship. It probably isn't a conscious thing, but a bunch of factors make him instinctively feel like the relationship is more a source of pain than pleasure. We'll get into this more in a minute, but at the end of the day, "pain VS pleasure" is the ONE factor that determines whether he wants to be with you or not. In other words, if he has a gut feeling that your relationship is a source of pain, then no amount of logic, convincing, or begging will change his mind. His mind is already made up--from the inside out. We need to change that. We need to make him instinctively feel drawn to the pleasure of a relationship with you. If you can accomplish that ONE thing, he will be the one chasing you. So let me show you how I've helped women all over the world pull it off. watchvideo presentation2) The Movie Trailer Method.Your mind is an anticipation machine. The human brain is marvellous and complex, but its most amazing feature is its ability to experience the future before it arrives. In fact, getting what you want in life really comes down to one simple thing: The ability to see the future in your mind's eye before it actually happens. This skill, above all else, separates those who get what they want in life from those who don't. Why is this skill so important? The answer is simple. The more detailed your mental map of the future, the easier it is to see which paths to take to reach the outcomes you desire. The more detailed your mental map, the more powerful you become. Like a master chess player, you can anticipate traps and sidestep them before they fully form. You can also try out dozens of moves in your mind's eye before choosing the best one. But I'm talking about real life, not a game. People who learn to use this skill live charmed lives. Everything just seems to unfold in their favour. Is it luck? Is it magic? No. It's simply an enhanced ability to play out various possibilities in the mind's eye and recognize the choices that will bring the most pleasure and the least pain. But here's the tricky part. Seeing the future is not like skipping ahead to the last page of a book to see how the story ends. Your future is not a single, linear path. Rather, there are a hundred different ways your future could unfold. Changing just one variable in your life can have a cascading effect on every other variable. Things can get confusing fast. It's hard to anticipate how all the different variables will interact. Fortunately, I have a solution. It's like a shortcut that gives you most of the benefits without the headache of trying to anticipate how every little thing will interact. What is this solution? It's knowing which variables to focus on. Knowing where to focus your attention is the key to getting more of what you want in life. When it comes to relationships, there's one variable I want you to focus on. I want you to become an expert at noticing this one variable. And I want you to learn how to manipulate this variable so you can have the relationship you want. Ready? Okay, here it is: I want you to become an expert at triggering the right kind of mental movie trailers other people have playing in their heads. We are all running mini-movies of the future in our mind. People do it automatically all the time. They don't practice the skill intentionally. They even take it for granted. Most never bother to question the super quick movie trailers that pop in and out of their thoughts all day long. That's good news for you! Because it gives you a tremendous advantage when trying to change the way someone feels about you. The fact is, no one's in the director's chair. No one is controlling the mini-movies that blip in and out of your man's mind. Since no one is directing this movie, you can waltz onto the set and change the storyline. And you can do this anytime you want. Why These Mini-Mental Movies Matter So Much Have you ever received a social invitation and immediately decided you have no desire to attend? How does that happen? How is it that you instantly know you don't want to go? Simple. In a fraction of a second, you played a mini-mental movie of the entire experience. Actually, that's not quite right. It wasn't the "entire experience". In reality, it was more like a movie preview. Just little clips showing the highlights. And like a good movie trailer, each clip pulled at your emotions. You saw a super-speed version of what it would be like to accept the invitation. You pictured yourself feeling bored. You picture yourself walking back to your car when it was over, wishing you had spent your free time doing something else. Your mind created a mini-movie to help you make a decision. It happened lightning-fast, and mostly outside your consciousness. But you were left with a distinct FEELING that turned you off to the idea. Your mind is remarkably good at this. It's the process by which we decide what we want. If you are a person who struggles with anxiety, you may not love this feature of your mind. You may prefer to be more like a cat who is blissfully at peace with the present moment, not concerned about things to come next year, next month, or even tomorrow. Neuroscientists who study the concept of memory tell us the marvellous ways our minds encode, store, and retrieve life experiences. As we learn, we generate increasingly complex and accurate models of the future. You could say the purpose of our memory is to allow us to predict the future. If I remember that chocolate cake tastes better when it's moist, my brain anticipates a better experience when I choose to eat it now rather than letting it grow stale. However, if I remember that chocolate cake is my weakness, I may cut the serving in half and put the other half out of sight to remove the temptation, using better judgment for my health. If a large dog chased me on my way home from school as a child, I may still anticipate negative emotions from the idea of approaching a large dog even twenty years later. Here's my point. Memories give us the ability to anticipate what is coming next: pleasure or pain. You may not see where this is going yet but stick with me. These concepts are critical to understanding. They are simple concepts, but things I need to remind you of, to "activate" your mind so they will be fresh concepts as we dive into the foundational methods of this course. 3) Human MotivationHumans are motivated by many things. But almost all motivation comes down to either the pursuit of pleasure or the avoidance of pain. Your ex's decisions are no different. He is motivated the same way. But how does he know which decisions to make to pursue pleasure and avoid pain? Memory. His memory creates the movie trailers he uses to "see" the future. His brain is an anticipation machine. It is automatically making judgments about what he should do next to avoid pain and pursue pleasure. The reality of your current situation is that the movie trailers his mind is playing are showing him potential pain or a lack of pleasure in being with you. We've got to change that! Now for some good news and some bad news. Bad news first: We cannot go back in time and change his memories. But the good news: We can alter his feelings about the future without changing memories from the past. Certain trigger points cause people to re-evaluate old memories in a new light. Basically, we're going to change the theme of the mini-movies in his head that affect his feelings about your relationship. We're going to change the soundtrack. Change the lighting. Selectively choose clips that highlight the fun, the exciting adventure he could have if he chooses to make you the most important person in his future. Allow me to provide a few examples to get us on the same page. We are talking about "aha" moments that change his perspective. The memories have not changed, but the way he SEES them can change dramatically. Here's an example from my own experience: I was once hired as a consultant for a company that provided relationship advice. The owners of the company were highly complimentary of me. During our work together, my self-esteem began to inflate considerably because of their frequent recognition of my "unusual talent." It was nearly six months later when I discovered their long-term plan to sell me their entire business (at a highly inflated price). This dramatically shifted my perspective! Suddenly, I replayed all the discussions about my talents for running such a business. At the time, I had been surprised they would admit I could run the business as well - if not better - than they could. Now, looking back, I see the ego-stroking as false flattery designed to make me want to buy their business. That eye-opening moment changed my view on our relationship and the game I was involved in.4) True Actions and IntentionsI'll offer another example. Jane Austen's novel "Pride and Prejudice," (which has been made into multiple movies over the years) tells the tale of Elizabeth, a young woman who can barely stand the sight of Mr Darcy. Throughout the story, Elizabeth is under the impression that Mr Darcy is proud and selfish. This is based on several reliable things she had seen and heard. However, at the end of the story, Elizabeth discovers she was wrong. She had misunderstood the actions and intentions of Mr Darcy. Suddenly, she recognizes his true valour and goodness. She sees that he is more interested in the well-being of others than his own reputation. In the end, it wasn't Elizabeth's memories that changed. It was her understanding that changed. It shifted in a way that caused her to anticipate great pleasure from being with Mr Darcy in an intimate relationship. And of course, they lived happily ever after as a married couple. 5) Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It: Your mission is to tamper with the anticipation machine running in your ex's mind. Specifically, your mission is to change the mini-movies that play in his mind when he thinks about spending time with you. You're going to get those mental trailers to work in your favour. There is no other way. You have no chance of restoring your relationship unless he seeks a relationship with you as a path toward pleasure, absent from any level of pain that would cancel out that pleasure. Fortunately, The Relationship Rewrite Method was designed as an answer to this complicated problem. This system helps you find a way to be the leading lady in your life. To convince your ex - not only to let you play a part but also to make you his star. You see, a memory is just a form of anticipation based on past experience. Most people think of memory in the form of stories to be remembered and shared. That is what psychologists call "declarative memory." But there is another kind of memory called "implicit memory." Implicit memory is the kind you use when you get on a bicycle and instinctively recognize (or remember) how to balance. Implicit memory is not something you can put into words. You just know how to ride a bicycle. Declarative memory can be transferred to another person in the form of a story. But you can't transfer the implicit memory for how to balance on a bike. In other words, your ex can tell his friends, "First she did this, then I said that and then we got into a big fight." That's declarative memory. Implicit memory cannot be transferred using words. He cannot transfer the memory of what it feels like to kiss you. Your job is to change the implicit feel of the mini-mental movies that automatically play when he glances down at his phone and sees your name. We have to start small and gradually rebuild his gut-level emotional reactions to you. It's possible that seeing your number come up on his cell phone causes an instant twinge of anger mixed with fear and regret. Those are implicit memories triggering the wrong kind of response. The fights or strained relationship that led to your breakup may still dominate the mental movie that plays in his mind when he considers picking up the phone to talk with you. We need to change that mental trailer so your name brings the same excited anticipation Hollywood tries to create with a really cool movie preview. We're going to rewire his expectations and help him see a new future with you. By the way, are you enjoying this free report so far? If so, you would love my relationship course. It has laser-targeted advice in a 6-step formula to win back the affections of your ex and make him yours for good.Use the Power of Story to Touch His Emotions"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." ~ Chinese proverb 6) The human brain is wired for story. Lisa Cron, a highly-acclaimed writer, wrote an entire book on the subject. Hailed as a "story guru," Cron has explored the brain science behind the power of stories. She teaches other writers how to hook the human mind from the very first sentence. There is something special about how a story causes the human mind to pay attention. Cron proposes that from the earliest times, humans have transferred information primarily through a story. Stories are so memorable they can be used to transfer wisdom and knowledge from one generation to the next. Stories prevent humans from making the same mistakes as those who came before them. Stories also shed light on the way humans persevere and succeed in various circumstances. Perhaps the most powerful way a story can be used is as a tool for changing someone's opinion. Stories don't require effort to pay attention. Our minds are designed for stories. We naturally focus when someone transfers information to us in the narrative form. In Paul Smith's book, "Lead with a Story," he makes the case that business leaders can "captivate, convince, and inspire" using stories in the workplace. Smith relays hundreds of instances about influencing the minds of others by telling a simple story instead of relaying facts and information.7) The Power Of Stories Smith and Croon have recognized the power of stories to transfer knowledge. But here's what I want you to understand. Stories make it easier for you to influence people. They are more effective than trying to convince people with arguments, logic, facts, or begging. I have experienced this firsthand. I once attended a fundraising event for people living in the impoverished nation of Burkina Faso. I was unmoved by the statistics presented on how many children go hungry and how many families lack the basic necessities for good health. Then the presenter told the story of two little girls who had been struggling together to survive the hardship of their lives, I was suddenly hooked. I understood their plight on an emotional level. I immediately cared enough to take out my wallet and sacrifice what I could to help with the relief efforts. Think for a moment about the variables of a court case. Think of all the factors that determine if a defendant will be found guilty or innocent by jurors in a trial. Experts work diligently to narrow down the list of variables to those that will have the most powerful influence on the outcome of the trials. Can you guess the number one factor that influences the jury's final opinion of a defendant? Experts tell us it's not the facts of the case. They say it's not the evidence presented. Rather, it comes down to who tells the most believable story. If jury members can picture themselves in a vivid story and imagine the events unfolding the way the defendant claims they did, they will find the defendant "not guilty." If the prosecuting attorney tells a more convincing story, the defendant will most likely be found "guilty." How can I use this information in my everyday life, you ask? Here's how: we will craft a special kind of story to influence your ex's perspective. Stories evoke emotion and change minds.I want you to tell your ex the story of your relationship in a way that causes him to automatically begin to root for your relationship. Did you ever see The Italian Job, The Saint, or Ocean's Eleven? All these movies are about thieves trying to pull off big-time heists. They are stories about criminals. And yet, as you watch these movies, you begin to root for the criminals to succeed. You want them to get away with the loot and live happily ever after. Doesn't that seem strange to you? Why do we root for thieves to succeed at stealing other people's hard-earned resources? It's because their life experience was presented to us in the form of a story. The protagonist is the hero figure in a plotline - the person about whom the story is written. There can be more than one protagonist in a story, as there is in William Shakespeare's classic story, Romeo and Juliet. In Romeo and Juliet, we root for the relationship of this young couple. Sure, we care about Romeo and we care about Juliet, but the relationship itself becomes as important to us as either character. As you read or watch Romeo and Juliet, do you find yourself wishing they would just forget about each other? Don't you want them to put their own safety first and move on with their lives? After all, if you really cared about Romeo and Juliet, wouldn't you advise them not to put their lives in peril by pursuing the romance further? Of course not. That's not what you root for. (It's not what I root for either!) We want them to be together.9) We root for the relationship! We see the beauty of life unfolding in the way they discover one another, and our hearts want them to be happy. We understand the risks they take to breathe life into the new passion they discovered through love at first sight. Here's the point. By making your relationship itself the hero of the story, you can cause him to root for the relationship. Do you remember Allie and Noah from Nicholas Sparks' novel-turned-movie, The Notebook? The story of their relationship was a powerful tear-jerker. As an 80-year-old man, Noah reads to his wife, Allie. She has developed Alzheimer's and does not remember, yet she roots for the characters in the story of her own life as Noah reads from her journal. The story Noah reads to Allie is powerful. It is so powerful we pay money to participate in this story by going to a heater or purchasing the book. Using the power of story is only one of 6 powerful steps that will help you reconnect with your man, even in the worst situations. Bring him back. Save your relationship. Get the happiness you deserve. Always on your side, James Bauerhttps://relationship.healthbrzee.com/

[weirdlandtv]

Like the 1960s generation had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan, the Big Three of the 1980s were Prince, Michael Jackson, and Madonna. Their new albums weren’t just song collections, they were messages uttered by the Oracle up on the mountain, echoing across the valley. They were events, statements, re-incarnations. Each new album presented a new persona for fans to imitate and for critics to evaluate, or, in the case of Prince, decipher. (Artists, back then, had to change with each new release or else be considered irrelevant. David Bowie entered the 1980s a smart yuppie, George Michael in the span of 7 years went from sparkling teen idol to sensitive, searching biker cowboy.)

Michael Jackson and Prince were regarded as rival gods, with the former more commercially successful but the latter preferred by most serious music critics (though in reality, fans, like me, liked both). Michael Jackson played games with tabloid journalists, who in turn responded with growing hostility; Prince played pranks on music critics, who wilfully allowed themselves to be deceived and wowed by this inscrutable prodigy.

Michael Jackson’s Avalon was Neverland, a fantasy dream that always invited ridicule (though not from me); Prince’s Mount Olympus was Paisley Park, a place deemed so mythical that fans constructed their own maps from the few photos and bits of footage that existed of it, and then endlessly speculated on what life was like inside of it: the parties, the concerts, sacred rituals, whisperings, the spontaneous nightly sessions. “Did you know,” they’d say, wide-eyed, “Prince has this huge vault of original masters and unreleased music right under Paisley Park? Only he knows the key code.” Whole albums (all masterpieces of course) had disappeared into that vault, never to be heard by ordinary mortals. And he never slept: nobody had ever caught him sleeping. He just went on and on, creating music. That was Prince, the enigmatic wonder, the living love symbol, and flamboyant question mark.

I still find it strange to realize so many of the artists I just mentioned, who so energetically populated my childhood and early teens, are dead. Michael Jackson, Prince, David Bowie, and George Michael all died within 7 years of each other; but there’s also Whitney Houston, Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain, and so many more. (Compare 1960s giants Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan, who are still touring and releasing records.)

When Prince died, a little more than three years ago today, I was on Texel, an island to the north of Holland, where I live. I checked my phone, checked the news, like you so stupidly do every now and then, and then saw the incredible headline. A sunny day, clouds seemed to appear that moment. Some people love celebrity deaths and follow juicy rumor sites about who punched who and who stepped out of the limo without their knickers on; me, I get depressed. It’s like having swallowed a stone. The sensationalist cries around every celeb death to me are like a beehive of bad vibes, a pest, and I have to stay away from it as far as possible if I want to protect my mental health, or what’s left of it. Prince’s death made me take things slow for a week or so. I have to mentally chew on such things, change my settings, ease into the new reality, let my heart adjust to its new weight. I’ve often had to deal with death in my life, sometimes it’s as if every high-profile death shocks me back into that familiar feeling of dread and despair.

Though Michael Jackson’s Neverland has turned into a derelict theme park that carries the curse of being unsellable, Prince’s Paisley Park has become a museum. Occasionally, browsing the internet, I see photos of it, and I’m always struck, kind of uneasily, about how soulless it seems. What does the lair of an extravagant hermit look like? What did I expect? Not something that looks like the atrium of a New Age company maybe. Looking at the interior, those sad police photos that were released last year, I can’t help but see the stupendous mundanity of it all. The building itself, somewhere in a suburb outside of Minneapolis, resembles a bunker, and though the pyramid skylights, that vaguely resemble guard towers, provide some natural light, the rest of the building is artificially lit, but dark. The recording studio is just that. Some of the walls have sayings like “Everything You Think Is True”. Stained glass with stars, clouds, and guitars. There’s a potted plant here, and an ugly tangle of phone cords in the corner there. Prince’s bedroom was sparse with empty green walls, and a plastic trash can you can buy at your local Walmart (but he never slept of course). The legendary vault reminds me of the storage room of my dad’s old electronics company, with its disorderly shelves and half-opened cardboard boxes. And everywhere, in every corridor and every space, there’s Prince iconography, but it’s rather bland, like the cover of a cheap unofficial biography.

For Prince, it must have been strange living in your own mausoleum.

The music that came from that place though. I believe PARADE (1986) was the first full album he recorded there, and then everything that came afterwards. My uncle was a real Prince fanatic, taking a slew of albums with him whenever he stayed with us, bootlegs too, so from an early age I became quite well-versed in all things Prince. Bits of his lyrics are as familiar to me as old family sayings. Personal favorites are the albums 1999 (1982), BATMAN (1989), and the LOVE SYMBOL ALBUM (1992). I like the street-smart humor of his early stuff, the raw passion, the in-your-face sex metaphors, with symbols as loud as cymbals, just the wild mercury sound of it; later on, his work became more spiritual, and harder for me to follow. His whole being though was music, every movement was a melody, every step a beat; he created music the way other people breathe. He had more songs in him than a duck has quacks. If you listen to the posthumous release, PIANO AND A MICROPHONE 1983, it’s as if the piano, microphone and artist aren’t three separate things, but one organism, bleeding and generating music; it features some wonderful, loose playing. It seems to me that towards the end of his life, in physical pain and unable to play a piano or guitar unless stuffed with elephant tranquilizers, he started to drift, and drift further, until he fell over the edge.

Like Bob Dylan, whose mystique and inaccessibility he shared, Prince had a habit of frustrating his fans, by deliberately excluding a great song from an otherwise so-so album and storing it in his vault, or by making his music hard to buy or even find (online, before he died, there was almost nothing). That’s one reason I kind of stopped following him; the other is the depressing decline of his songwriting since the 1990s. Looking at his later albums, which I first dutifully bought until I didn’t anymore, there’s hardly anything I really like. None of the best-of compilations collect anything from after the 90s. What happened? Age is part of it of course. A decline in quality is inevitable, most musical artists do their best work in their 20s and 30s. It’s also possible Prince’s brand of singing about his women like they are divine vaginas simply went out of style. Once cheeky and outrageous (his work was why Parental Advisory stickers were invented), his songs no longer shock us 21st centurians. We’ve seen so much already. Dirty sex wasn’t the only topic he sang about of course (far from it), but it’s the one he pushed forward the most as part of his image; his “royal badness” was part of his appeal. (The BATMAN soundtrack originally was going to feature Michael Jackson as Batman, the force of good, and Prince as the Joker, representing decadence, sin, evil.)

But his supposed “badness” was an act of course. The cocky poses, flashy gestures and mean diva looks were an obvious shield against the outside world, a theatrical defense mechanism. An attempt to dazzle people before they can get to you. When you’re shy—and he of course was the shyest—you feel like everyone is constantly watching you, and you become overly aware of how you look, how you walk, how you come across; you are constantly aware of your physical being taking up space. So what do you do when you’re an artist? You perform. Everything you do becomes a kind of performance, a conscious act. It gives you a feeling of control: you know why people are watching, because you’re making them watch you. But the essence of it is always shyness and nerves.

There’s something endearing about that 1983 footage of him being invited on stage for an impromptu jam by James Brown, who a few minutes earlier had invited Michael Jackson up. Ready to upstage his rival, who had just performed some killer moves, Prince takes the stage, struts, plays some random riffs, struts some more, suddenly takes off his jacket and does some tricks with the microphone stand, claps to whip up the audience—and then as he wants to make a fast and sudden exit, he clumsily goes down knocking over a prop, stage hands hastily arriving from all sides to help him up.

He died in an elevator near the lobby, but the spot itself has been covered up by a new wall (it’s near the watchful eyes in the third image). I keep wondering what happened. Was he making his way down to the ground floor from his production offices, or was he going up from the recording studio to his bedroom to maybe sleep? One associate, questioned by police, stated that Prince had told her he “was depressed, enjoyed sleeping more than usual and was incredibly bored”, and that at his last concert, he felt like he was going to fall asleep on stage. Those were rare remarks. An intensely private person, he mostly hid his problems, not just from others, but even from himself. The end, then, was inevitable. As with Michael Jackson six years before, the drugs relieved him of his pain, and then of his life.

He never slept, and when he did, it was 4ever.

[dansnaturepictures]

27/05/2020-Dog rose on the bush out the front and Meadow Brown, daisies and more at Lakeside at lunch time 

On my way out for my daily walk at lunch time I checked the bush at the front of the house in bloom with big roses as I showed with a picture this time last week and others before. I had a closer look at it today as I was reminded that a year ago yesterday I took a picture of a dog rose on this bush one of my most memorable non-wildlife/landscape ones of 2019. I had seen these flowers over Lakeside on bushes on mass in recent weeks and sure enough I did spot some on the bush today. I took the first picture in this photoset of one of them. 

I then got to Lakeside and was happy to see so many of the big daisies adorning the meadows here as I have witnessed a lot lately there really are hundreds of them which is brilliant and I have particularly noticed a lot this year. I took the second and third pictures in this photoset of landscapes showing the daisies the third showing the steam railway station which I realised I’d never photographed here probably. Nice to flash back to what was my main use of Lakeside as a child in our family before my wildlife interest began I loved riding this train I was a little bit into trains a little as a kid especially the Thomas the tank engine characters some of which they have here. Whilst its been nice to walk where the tracks are and cross the track in a more relaxed way a bit on daily exercise walks during lockdown with the train not running I have missed seeing the train puff by when walking beside the track. 

The area I took the views from was beside a bit of grass habitat I discovered on a butterfly watching evening here late last June on a hot and sunny day, I have come to nickname it Ringlet meadow. You’ll know I call the area of grass in the south and east of the site Marbled White meadow as I see these butterflies here a lot and I called this little patch of grass I now love exploring Ringlet meadow as when I first discovered it as that’s what I saw my first Ringlet of 2019 a key target that night. When I watched what I first thought was a Speckled Wood something I had seen here this year already flying I realised it was not and thought for an extraordinary minute the place lived up to its name as it looked look a Ringlet just seeing a brown thing fly! I’ve seen people on social media say they have seen Ringlets already but as a late June into July butterfly traditionally for me it would be quite something. I then thought to myself the butterfly could very well be the slightly more plausible but pretty spectacular too Meadow Brown. It then darted off across the railway line into a patch of bright daisies. 

But I walked along there crossing the track myself and re-found it seeing one settle and it was a Meadow Brown. I took the fourth and final picture in this photoset a record shot of this my 24th butterfly species of 2020. This yet again is by far my earliest ever sighting of one in a year, just like Green Hairstreak for April when I saw my first this year just over a month ago at Magdalen Hill I have never seen a Meadow Brown in May before now. This continues to show that with a lot of butterfly watching I’ve done locally maybe a factor maybe the weather too my butterfly year’s timeline is a bit ahead of what it normally is. I am consistently noticing this as I tick off seeing Britain’s wonderful butterflies this year which is fascinating. This is one of my most important butterfly species to see and first see in a year especially as they are one I class as a summer butterfly. The first such I have seen its always a guessing game as to if it will be that or Large Skipper in a year. 

Alongside Foxgloves I’ve seen and photographed on certain woodland walks lately what I always see as my sign post to summer I have had two snippets of summer now. I definitely do not want to jinx it with this weather lately and how hot and sunny its been but that is just my observation of summer days are near. I have been rather used to more at other locations namely Martin Down the last two years to seeing Meadow Browns for the first time in a year on grey days or ones that are just not sunny the whole way through and as if by magic this afternoon it did cloud up a bit to make it a Meadow Brown day as such but is looking nice and sunny as I write this now I’m timing my posts to go out this week and the two following ones due to my natural history television reaction tweets on Dans_Pictures during Springwatch so I like to post the blog afterwards to throw back to the pictures I posted earlier in the evening and keep my content at the top of my profile as such.

It was nice when looking at it in the daisies to see the relatively similarly looking Small Heath a strong butterfly for me over the past month or so after seieng my first of 2020 including many sightings here which I don’t often get with so much time spent here notably this year. At one point the smaller Small Heath flew into the landed Meadow Brown and they battled a bit flying in the air. A rare chance to compare the two in real time as I find their seasons don’t quite overlap as much over the years. You’ve normally finished seeing the Small Heaths or at least the bulk of them at least a first brood by the time the Meadow Browns emerge in my experience. 

I then carried on through the Ringlet meadow ares and spotted another Meadow Brown in a slightly wooded bit. On the theme of woods I then found a path I’d never seen here before going through woods bringing me out to a second entrance from trees that I have noticed lately to the Marbled White meadow area where I aimed to end up today the south east of Lakeside. Always nice to find somewhere new in this place I’ve known for years. The Meadow Brown moment today was another uplifting and joyful moment for me to have during a lunch time walk. Its amazing how often Lakeside has featured on my year lists bird and butterfly and others in the location field now it really has served me incredibly well to keep me in touch with species I needed to see in my mission to see as much as I can for birds, butterflies etc. as ever each year and therefore keep me in touch with nature in a safe way doing my walks. This is a species I excepted to see here almost now based on previous years and was a moment I really looked forward to so today it did make me very happy. Like Chris Packham said about local walks and their benefits for mental health and connection to nature etc. in yesterday’s Springwatch programme being able to walk over Lakeside has saved me a bit even with slightly further afield trips doable with social distancing on weekends now. 

As I write this just like last Wednesday a Blue Tit is coming onto the feeders on our front balcony right beside me. A young one too I think. I haven’t yet managed a picture but if I do after I’ve logged off you can see it/them tomorrow either on here or just on my Twitter. I hope you’ve all had a good evening. 

Wildlife Sightings Summary at Lakeside: My first Meadow Brown butterfly of the year, Small Heath, a moth possibly another Mother Shipton but I didn’t get a chance for a picture really during a chase of the first Meadow Brown a little, Magpie, Woodpigeon, House Sparrow, Starling, Blackbird, Whitethroat again, Roe Deer in the same area as last Wednesday same one as I’ve been seeing the Whiethroats too I seem to happily do a similar route on the walk each Wednesday to attempt to have a lower yielding photo day as I have a phone call with my Dad each Wednesday for about half an hour due to not visiting him each week for two nights due to lockdown/working from home and a few more little moths and beetles.  

[screenspirit]

Analysis of ‘Memento’ and How it Impacted My Screenplay ‘Amygdala’

My screenplay: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1SM-EqRAisszWltuZg--KBPkexH8An4MYlyQoXKdOick

Christopher Nolan's 'Memento' provides unique aspects to the screenplay, presenting a narrative which is essentially told in reverse and holds classic tropes to its genre. While studying its screenplay, I gathered a range of knowledge on how scripts can be formed and executed, in addition to how to elevate their creativity. These assisted in developing my own screenplay called 'Amygdala'; focusing on a young man volunteering for a scientific experiment to help conquer his fears which proves to be challenging.

Firstly, 'Memento' is perceived as an innovative screenplay when observing its story and theme; meaning an accounting of events of the narrative, which are connected with a set of values. The story shown follows Leonard Shelby, who is suffering from Short Term Memory loss after being attacked by a man classified as 'John G', seeking revenge for his wife who he believes was murdered in the same attack. However, he faces obstacles as he cannot keep a grasp of reality due to his inability to grasp memories. The narrative's logline demonstrates the film's values; Memory, Identity, Personal Expedition and Revenge, which can be tied together to illustrate more developed observations of the film which are known as the themes. To elaborate, one can conjugate the values provided when breaking down the story to identify the theme of 'Expedition of Revenge destroying Identity'. This suggested theme holds a syntax which correlates with 'Memento', demonstrating the significance of themes and story in dissecting the screenplay. These underlying themes are important as 'When thematic statements become the central organizing principle of a screenplay, they can serve as an analytical tool for reading and evaluating for coherence and unity' [1], thus, it is the themes stemmed from the values which grant opportunities to understand cinematic text in an advanced manner by becoming critical approaches. One sequence which displays this theme is the one in which Leonard and his companion, Teddy, are discussing his work on 'John G'; inviting the values of Revenge and Identity into the sequence. The technique of dialogue is used to convey the themes illustrated here; Leonard states that he is determined to catch 'John G' as he 'Took away my [his] memory. He destroyed my [his] ability to live'. When Teddy tells him he is still living, Leonard retorts with 'Only for revenge', thus, underlying the theme in question as Leonard now believes his only reason for living is to achieve his revenge. It is also important that here, the theme is represented in his ideology. This is significant as the narrative allows opportunity for this ideology to change since 'every story is ultimately a record of value-changes' [2], therefore, the themes of the film are held together by the ideology and values associated with them which can change. We find this theme being developed when we learn that Leonard has spent the film's plot chasing a man whom he has already killed, but because he cannot remember it, Teddy has used him to kill other criminals by letting Leonard believe they are 'John G'. Teddy tells Leonard that he 'gave him a reason to live', which echoes the previous statement Leonard gave on only living for revenge. Teddy has granted Leonard a purpose orientated around a vendetta which Leonard invests his life in, despite being false and not connected to Leonard's past. One must consider that the conversation in the café chronologically takes place after this reveal of information but the non-linear structure exchanges the order in order to heighten dramatic effect. As a result, the values of Revenge and Identify have been changed in the screenplay's structure on the spectator's part; they have realised that Leonard is trapped in a repetitive cycle of his false expedition which is stealing his original identity. After doing so, they are left to question the goal and existence of these values as Leonard is unable to do so. Overall, story and themes are significant to the screenplay in representing the film's core areas for analysis. They cooperate to elevate the screenplay with relation to the critical or analytical conversations it can generate, thus, defining Nolan's skills of writing a screenplay with cohesive thematic structure.

In addition to this, the form of which 'Memento' takes offers evaluations to be made in order to understand the film and its screenplay. By form, we are referring to the cinematic elements which combine to perform the complete systems (cues) spectators experience when viewing. These elements consist of many aspects such as the literary design of the story ideas, the visual design of mise-en-scene and cinematography. These elements are essential ingredients to establishing a film, such as 'Memento', with cinematic credit, specifically demonstrating the rhythmic progression of the plot. Rhythm is key to the execution of a screenplay because 'the aim of rhythm is to provide a unity of experience' [3], thus, a screenwriter has created a successfully entertaining film if the narrative follows a precise rhythm. This comes from 'a creation of patterns within the narrative' [4] and one significant pattern 'Memento' uses lies in the props of the photographs Leonard takes to provide visual marks he needs to remember. The photographs represent important sights or people and some have notes on the back, thus, they are a vital prop to the film in serving as Leonard's memory. Their purpose provides a pattern to the film's plot: any time an important person or place comes into Leonard's life, he captures it on camera and solidifies its importance. As a result, spectators are conditioned to observe the film using this pattern represented in the props to identify characters that will influence what happens in the story. In addition to this, the notes on the back provide clues or predictions that will be developed later on, thus, engendering anticipation and assumptions in the viewer, also feeding into the pattern of the narrative as seeing the photograph on screen with the notes signifies the assumptions. Overall, the narrative is grafted within these photographs by gathering up as a motif of significant stages and developments of the plot.

These props used in 'Memento' which serve as a narrative element also correspond with the film's conventional genre, that is, they convey how a 'screenwork is a set of disparate images' [5].  The film's genre can be classified as a psychological crime thriller after observing the previous logline and the values it demonstrates. There are psychological aspects with the value of memory and how the plot is orientated around Leonard's thought processes. Furthermore, he is trying to solve the crime of his attack and wife's 'murder' in a journey which elicits moods of suspense and anticipation. The photographs Leonard takes during his expedition not only consist of places and people he needs to remember, but also evidence of what he has done, echoing pictures taken of a crime scene. Spectators also observe Leonard taking photographs of crimes he has committed, such as the murder of the real John G which took place before the plot. Therefore, the photographs are not only important in engendering a rhythmic pattern in the plot as an element of form, but they also act as visual codes to the psychological crime thriller as the film's genre; acting as the 'disparate images' to the screenplay to highlight genre. Furthermore, genre is significant to the screenplay of 'Memento' in terms of giving it a structure to be written in, despite the non-linear narrative, which is also linked with the style of the film. Screenwriting relies on 'the combination of genre and style' as it 'provides the unifying framework for all...narrative elements' [6], thus, the conventions which convey the crime thriller genre such as the photographs are vital in defining what is featured in the screenplay with relation to mise-en-scene and plot events. To elaborate, writing a crime genre screenplay such as 'Memento' would require specific sequences and characters which correlate with that genre in question, for example, a villain character type who needs to be brought to justice in a climatic sequence. As a result, there is some level of a structure to the screenplay which can still be identified by both the writer and the spectators watching the final picture. This can be made evident when observing Leonard's hunt for 'John G' to bring him to his interpretation of justice, in the form of a murderous vendetta. The screenplay can be structured with the possibility of a successful capture of 'John G', which can be predicted by spectators as they observe his expedition which in turn provokes the moods of anticipation a thriller needs from an audience. Nolan provides a unique aspect to the structure of a crime thriller screenplay with 'Memento' using the non-linear narrative to play with ideas of when this plot event will take place. As the sequences are displayed in a non chronological or reverse presentation, spectators will undergo a different experience when watching Nolan's take on a psychological crime story, in terms of not being able to predict when which conventional event to a crime thriller; the capturing of the criminal, will take place. The reveal to spectators that Leonard actually fulfilled his revenge against 'John G', who fulfils the role of the villain or criminal, before the spectators were invited to experience the narrative is an example of this innovative experience. Audiences are not granted the chance to witness John G being brought to justice by the protagonist as a plot event because of the value of memory and mental health conveyed in Leonard, thus, elevating how the screenplay of 'Memento' provides a diverse take on the crime thriller genre.

Gathering all the previous identifications and analyses of the screenplay of 'Memento', I was able to draw inspiration from it when developing my own screenplay 'Amygdala' with relation to themes stemmed from values and cinematic techniques. To elaborate, the themes involving personal expedition and identity were significant to me in writing my screenplay, creating a mirroring between the protagonist of Leonard and my own named Xander. Similar to Leonard's journey throughout the plot to fulfil his goal of justice to regain some of his identity despite his memory issues, Xander undergoes his own personal journey of combating his deepest phobias in order to receive some development to his identity. There is a psychological aspect to both of these summaries; 'Memento' with memory or mental disorders and 'Amygdala' with phobias; psychology being a framework which captures my attention and creativity.  Progressing this further, one value of 'Memento' is reality which clashes with memory; creating the theme of 'Memory influencing Reality' and this is presented in the same café sequence the theme involving expedition/revenge and identity is. Leonard articulates how 'Memory's not perfect....[they] can be distorted. They're just an interpretation. They're not a record', thus, conveying how he does not trust memories because he feels they manipulate reality. This ideology is echoed in 'Amygdala' with relation to the motif of the simulations Xander experiences. When facing his first phobia of germs (Mysophobia); manifested in a mirrored reflection of him covered in dirt, that contrasts with his real clean self, it is realising that the germs are exaggerations in his mind which help him defeat it. He then struggles to combat his biggest phobia of abandonment on the first try because he becomes overwhelmed and believes it's real, only to be told by doctors to find an anchor in how it isn't reality and is 'all in his head'. Once he processes this, he faces this phobia manifested in a simulation version of his mother telling him she is leaving and conquers it by firmly telling her she won't leave him. This conveys the presence of reality and illusion in both screenplays as they not only fight each other but also merge in the process. Furthermore, props and visual design to progress the story was also present in my work caused by the influence of Nolan's 'Memento'. Likewise to Leonard's photographs of things to remember with the notes highlighting significant narrative events and information to spectators, my protagonist comes across photos and notes in his simulations which share insight into his story and identity. The photograph of his parents with the father's face scratched out placed next to the note from his mother which informs him she is leaving serve as vital examples of mise-en-scene assisting narrative, similar to Leonard's photos. This is because they explain events which have happened before the plot but are still important to understanding the story and Xander's character; he has a phobia of abandonment from his mother after his father did the same. This is all revealed to spectators through the props of the photo and letter, echoing how information of characters in 'Memento' is hinted at using the props of the notes and generates anticipation and assumptions. In addition to this, both examples of visual elements are representations of the psychological states of the protagonists; Leonard relies on his example of props as he cannot trust his own mind and Xander repressed phobias is what causes the props to exist. Overall, 'Memento' impacted the development of my screenplay by providing ideas related to themes and how to express them using cinematic styles.

Word Count: 2,195

Footnotes

[1]. Screenplayology, 2.5-Theme and Ideology, 2.5.5-Analysis and Interpretation

[2]. Screenplayology, 2.5-Theme and Ideology, 2.5.3-Broad vs Specific Themes

[3]. The Art and Science of Screenwriting by Philip Parker, Rhythm and Tempo, Page 132, 1998,Intellect Books,15 Feb 2006

[4]. The Art and Science of Screenwriting by Phillip Parker, Rhythm and Tempo, Page 132, 1998 ,Intellect Books,15 Feb 2006

[5]. The Art and Science of Screenwriting by Phillip Parker, Explorations of Genre and Style, Page 151, 1998,Intellect Books,15 Feb 2006

[6]. The Art and Science of Screenwriting by Phillip Parker, Explorations of Genre and Style, Page 151, 1998,Intellect Books,15 Feb 2006