#The mention isn't working right
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-slamming bolt upright in a cold sweat- what do you mean verbal contracts cleo. what do you MEAN verbal contracts cleo. artists if you're doing commercial work you're A) charging much higher rates and B) making them SIGN A CONTRACT, right? right? you understand why that's VITAL, right? why having a written contract is VITAL for commercial work? you understand? you make them sign a written contract? please if you go looking in proper artist/graphic design circles i'm sure you can find a basic form that's legal in your locality and doesn't require you talk to a lawyer but if you're doing commercial work you're MAKING THEM SIGN A CONTRACT RIGHT--
#stream liveblogging#sorry someone in a chat in my discord mentioned cleo said they were using verbal contracts and my raised-by-lawyers self sat bolt upright#artists: you can get away with just an email chain with a noncommercial commission#but if you're doing someone's branding/merch/commercial work#you've both GOTTA charge WAAAAY more#and you've GOTTA have a contract#and you've GOTTA check out the rights stuff (hint: you aren't giving them perpetual rights to the design unless you're charging out the ass#i'm not an artist or a lawyer so i don't know the exact details of how this should go down but#ohhhhhhh my god.#anyway this isn't supposed to be discourse i am certain basically every youtuber does this. unfortunately.#and i don't BLAME the ones who have because they just probably hadn't realized/assumed the people they were commissioning would know#but i'm just losing my marbles for a moment don't mind me.#oh my god.#ANYWAY BACK TO MY NORMAL SCHEDULED POSTS--.
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Nothing like Heartstopper S2E8 removing some of Taylor Swift's "seven" lyrics just so that the singing can specifically come back in at "Or hide in the closet" while Isaac is processing difficult emotions related to the book he's reading (i.e., Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).
Did I mention "Or hide in the closet" hits just as the camera focus finishes shifting away from Isaac?
This is fine
#This is not fine#Warning: Long tags ahead (2 topics)#TOPIC 1:#I'm glad Isaac feels safe enough to be reading this book and processing emotions around his friends#That's the positive spin on “he's quietly dealing with a lot while next to his friends and they're not noticing and he's not sharing" right#The contrast of this with the happy friend-bonding montage time feels purposeful and sad (esp. with lyrics about staying in the closet)#but on the bright side this is in the midst of happy friend-bonding montage time so we also see them having happy bonding times together#- showing the friendship is still strong even if right now Isaac isn't wholly known or fully fitting#Hopefully this is leading to Isaac telling his friends what he's going through in S3 and the friendships adapting to fit him better#TOPIC 2:#Also - don't think it's unintentional that where the camera focus shifts to is Nick with his arms around Charlie and then kissing his head#I think we're being purposefully distracted from Isaac with allo 'cuteness'#Because what the other characters often get swept up in - especially as they all couple up in S2 - is alloromantic/allosexual interactions#And that's frequently what the world prioritises or cares more about too#I think the show is intentionally calling everyone - from the characters to us watching them to the whole world - out#So that hopefully we (general) can all be more aware and do better#[In case you were wondering this N&C/Isaac scene is also right after we see short clips of Elle & Tao and Tara & Darcy cuddling -#which also seems very intentional: Isaac - sandwiched in between views of cuddling couples - alone in more ways than one]#CONCLUSION:#I think everything is working together to highlight the contrast between what N&C and Isaac are respectively experiencing in this moment#Did I mention this is not fine?#It is well done though#heartstopper mini moment#isaac henderson#aroace#aromantic asexual#lgbtqia+#queer#taylor swift#seven
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To reach The unreachable star
#gpose#gposers#ffxiv gpose#ffxiv#ffxiv screenshots#miqo'te#wol oc#ffxiv wol#lillian post#A while back I mentioned Lillian doing a pretty terrible thing in Ktisis that formed the nucleus of Meteion's anguish so we're hinting here#imagine being the driving force for the final days because your experience with Yotsuyu/Tsuyu and being a product of Gridania and#knowing your world and friends are being consumed while you're whiling away days in a relative paradise and how everything COULD be fixed#by the death of one child. Forget what the ascian said about being unable to change the past. You can never trust them.#This is the right course of action - for everyone. Go through Hermes to get to her right before her eyes too. That'll help certainly.#There is no courage or heroism in killing a hurt little girl.#She gets to spend the rest of endwalker fixing what she did. Confronting the Endsinger isn't about the fight. It can't be won with strength#only atoning and seeking forgiveness from Meteion will save everyone#and uh apologies for light nightmare fuel. I had something a bit more heroic in mind for the ninth photo that didn't work out.
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Dancing with the pirate boys~🕺💃
I simply think we should dance! Dancing is fun!💕
This pirate au is by @mega-punani and these are just my non-canon headcanons <3 check out their page for more! (she's currently not updating this au but her page is a lovely visit!)
Sans Sooo you know those dances where one person does very little dancing and the other person is pretty much dancing around them, pulling them in? He'd offer one of those dances as a 'haha gotcha now I don't have to do much' kinda thing, but little did he know how you'd turn the tables on him! Oh the shameless flirting as you danced your little heart out! Your fleeting touches as you flutter around him, the looks you give him, the proximity as you pull him close, face to face, only to then pull away for another wide twirl~ He's at the centre of the stage and he cant leave, since he promised you he would do this for you. But oh this man is flustered. He is bright blue. And he simply cannot move his eyes off you. Even years later you can still easily tease him by seductively asking him to dance. He'll get bright blue and flustered again immediately even after your little wink ;) Ah man, you got him good. (The crew definitely teases him about it alllll the time. He just hehehs some more.)
Papyrus Yes yes yes he would love to dance!! Papyrus loves folk dances, ballroom dances, silly dances, tangos, just- anything!! Please ask him to dance! And don't be surprised if he asks you to dance either! He loves the joy of dancing in a group and seeing how invested and/or exited everyone is. Depending on how he's feeling, he can be either 1: a little stiff due to being nervous (maybe dancing in the crow's nest with waves like these wasn't your best idea...), 2: lose and carefree and a bit over enthusiastic (an absolutely joyous occasion or some alcohol may do this) or 3: comfortable, confident and super romantic (and pretty dang good!). He truly sweeps you off your feet in an awesome way! Definitely the type to be chatty during a dance too so he'll absolutely flirt with you while holding you in a dip.
Blue Folk dances hell yeah!!!! He knows a ton of them, is really good at them and is very enthusiastic! You'll have a lovely time with him and the gang, and he somehow knows how to make you feel special dancing with him even though you are also dancing with a ton of others. Maybe it's the way he looks at you? The time after the dance is well spent too: you are warm and tired and he is telling you stories about the dances' origins and the places he's learned them. If you dance for long enough you might actually get a very rare chance to nap with him: two tired and content smiling nerds snoozing on the couch. Slick and strict dances aren't his thing though. He loves the way they look and how romantic they are, but doesn't have the patience to learn and perform them well. He'll sweep you off your feet in a different way!
Stretch Listen honey. He doesn't dance. He plays the music. Important distinction. You can, however, convince him to try when you two are separated from the rest of the crew. You’ll be in a bustling town and evening is falling, and a band softly plays music for a buzzing cafe with terrace. And you may convince him to let you put your hand on his shoulder, to put his hand on your side, to put his left foot here, and his right foot there, then take a step there… and he'll be sweating the entire time, holding his breath until you tell him to breathe, darling. And he'll be stunned at how close you are. And he won't notice that you're dancing so sweetly until the song is over and you ask if you could do that again sometime. And he responds with a soft and flustered "yes" and watches you meld into the crowd to collect some drinks for you both. And he reasons that Yes, he truly might do that again…
Red "Heheh you can give me a lapda-" "No. >:/"
I think it would be difficult to actually get him to properly dance with you. He might entertain you for half a song but then he'll start trying to convince you to leave the dance floor with him. Its just not really his thing, and on top of that he's actually kind of embarrassed about looking like a fool unless inebriated. If you are out dancing he'll definitely brag to everyone and their parents that you're his pretty partner though! In fact, he might start taking you out to dance when the ship is docked just to show you off (and to make sure you have a good time of course). He'll request whatever music you need from the sidelines and watch you go at it. Man he has it good~
Edge You can convince him to take classes with you and hell take them super seriously, but he may have been too self-conscious/busy to start on his own. Learning to dance wasn't really a priority back on his home island and he might care if the others make fun of him for it, especially given his perfectionism. If he can use your request as an excuse to do it though... that'll probably do the trick! He actually really enjoys it: it's structured and beautiful and he can choose to either be in the spotlight with you or in a group where he doesn't stand out. He gets good really really fast too, so unless you are already quite good at it he'll be teaching you soon enough. It's truly a lot of fun and you actually see him smile a lot doing this. Truly a massive win.
Black An absolute show off. He knows how to ballroom dance but would never tell anyone even if asked. Except for you it seems! He puts you two in matching outfits, asks for a dance, and then shows off the fact that he has mad skills for dances like this. If he really wants to show off he might even create a spotlight out of sun or moonlight on the both of you. And to top it all off, he makes you feel absolutely special throughout the whole thing! …You can absolutely use this closeness to fluster him though. He can't escape your flirts while holding you this close >:3c He won't really join in on sillier dances or folk-dances unless challenged to, but his footwork and discipline are amazing so he likely will excel at any structured dance if he's been able to observe it well enough (to everyone's excitement and surprise). Any freestyling he will fail at though.
Cash On the surface he's making it seem far too easy to get him to dance with you. He makes it seem like he's out to get close and steal your stuff while he's there (as if he needs the proximity), but it's mostly a facade to hide how nervous this makes him. Like, genuinely dancing together? That's… vulnerable. Like Stretch, the crew can't be near at all, and honestly even strangers like a band are too much. You can gently persuade him to dance to the tune of a music box or radio you brought. You know you've made a genuine connection when he DOESN'T show you he stole something afterwards, even though he did it right at the start to have an easy way out of the situation. No one wants to dance with a thief, right? He puts it back in your pocket the next morning, and seems much more mellow the following days.
Bear He has a strict 'no partying in the kitchen' rule for obvious reasons, but if you are often hiding in the kitchen for some quiet time and tend to play soft music he might sway subconsciously to it, and if he has some downtime during the cooking process you might be able to persuade him to gently sway with you for a little bit, creating a lovely big blush on his face. Do a little pirouette in his arms and his day is all better. Other than this he doesn't really dance when the occasion arises, but you will find that he is completely focused on you as you dance either a silly little swing or some beautiful dance. He has no jealousy at all seeing you dance with others, mainly because his focus is entirely on you <3
Cinnamon Although complicated choreographed dances are difficult due to his eyesight and general clumsiness, simple slow couples dance can be done just fine! Simply swaying with him will have him comfortable and a little flustered. He would love to enthusiastically dance too but he's worried about hurting you and possibly falling on his face and embarrassing himself. When you do end up slow dancing he often needs to hold himself back from squealing at how cute you are this close, and he needs to resist the urge to suddenly spin you in circles and hug you so close because aaaa cuteness aggression! If you give him express permission to show it you'll end up having a very good time giggling with him, it's super sweet :) Also I am convinced this man can tap dance (or at least is trying to learn to) so if you can convince him to show you his skills you can have a lot of fun together!
#Stretch writes about that first dance in his diary and squeals the entire time#papyrus x reader#sans x reader#undertale au#pirate au#Honestly if u do end up giving anyone a lapdance please pick Bear it's so fucking worth it---#papyrus au#sans au#homemade fanworks#suggestive#< mainly for the lapdance mentions tbh#I hope the change in writing style between the crew isn't too strange to read?#I just did whatever felt right but they are very different now oops :p#edit: I called Bear Skull bc I've been working on my pokemon horror boy Skull while writing this oops it's fixed now
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"If I just exact perfect and absolute vengeance against Pekka Rollins, then the voice of Jordie will be satisfied and disappear forever" WRONG. Obsessive compulsive disorder.
#kaz isn't even in my top three main ocd projection targets but like. hmmm that sounds familiar#like yeah it's trauma but also 'the thoughts will stop if i do this right and good enough' is The Thing#one of the things he wants the most is 'jordie's voice' to be silenced forever but consider#that he's just putting jordie's name on his own obsessive compulsive thoughts#obsession: guilt and misplaced responsibility over jordie's death and fear that he is constantly being judged by dead jordie for this#compulsion: work feverishly toward taking down rollins in an Absolute and Total way that will satisfy 'jordie' aka the obsessive thoughts#'hey will destroying pekka rollins make the thoughts go away?' no <3 hope this helps#or we could just call it a trauma response and move on but 1 putting things in this lens is interesting and 2 funny post funny joke#kaz brekker#jordie rietveld#pekka rollins#six of crows#soc#tgt#soc shitpost#ocd mention
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Say what you will about Martin's writing style (and I've said plenty) but I do think he's got the White Walkers' mythos worked out for a future book and IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO NICE IF THE SHOWRUNNERS HAD DONE 1/100TH OF THAT WORK SETTING THEM UP
Gus: I am mad all over again that there was absolutely zero explanation given as to why/how the Night King operates or how his powers work or why he chose now to attack or ANYTHING ELSE
Gus: on the plus side it means I get to make up a whole subplot that, not to brag, I'm comfortable saying is at least as good as anything D&D could've made up IF THEY HAD EVER EVEN BOTHERED
Gus: but like - okay so craster's infant sons get sacrificed to the Night King, who them magics them into White Walkers as babies
Mardia: Yep yep
Gus: so does that mean there's a white walker nursery
Mardia: Omg
Gus: do they have to change diapers
Mardia: LOOOOOOOL
Gus: is there a white walker daycare center
Gus: how does the night king TEACH his lil adopted monster babies
Gus: is there like storytime around the - well not fire
Gus: does the Night King remember what it was like to sit around a fire?
Gus: does he miss being a human and all his rage at the spell the Children of the Forest put on him to kill the First Men has curdled his brain?
Gus: what was he DOING for like 8 millennia, just hanging out?
Gus: did he get really good at ice fishing?
Gus: DO THEY EAT?
Gus: where the fuck do they get their snazzy outfits from
Gus: are there white walker tailors
Gus: what's the currency situation
Mardia: Lololololololol
Gus: I'M JUST SAYING
#game of thrones#game of thrones motherfuckers#is there a white walker barber? some of those dudes have cute lil' bobs that takes maintenance#how did they learn to ride horses if they were turned at birth#again is there some sort of montessori school for white walkers#also why does the Children of the Forests' (Children's? of the Forest?) spell work on ALL life?#like wouldn't you have gone to pretty great lengths to control scope creep on this zombie spell#there's literally a one-sentence explanation of 'we needed to defend ourselves from men' ok but the Night King kills BEARS#not to mention a pretty big dragon#IDK maybe it just the *general stuff* right now but I always disliked the Night King as an enemy#because it combines two pretty shitty tropes: 1) the remorseless implacable evil who can never be reasoned/empathized with#and 2) the evil that the persecuted minority sekretly devised themselves to disastrous ends#plus the show isn't smart enough to pick a lane#the night king could be just a force of nature like a tsunami#OR he could be an angry vengeful creature twisted by his own creation - an actual CHARACTER#instead he's just an ice nazi from some terrible video game of the early oughts who smirks as he kills people#anyway dm me for the 2k backstory on the creation of the Night King and his White Walkers#winky face
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I can be normal about Random Crits in TF2.
#team fortress 2#tf2#IhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethemIhatethem#yeah I'm aware it's a janky 17 year old game#I'm aware Valve is probably never gonna turn em off and that community servers exist BUT#when I randomly crit another player I feel nothing and when I die to one I feel a Zealous rage not seen since the Crusades#Yeah I may be a Spy player. yeah I might have gotten random crit several times in one fucking game when I otherwise would maybe survive#AND how it disproportionately screws over Spy because in order to do his main gimmicks he has to be in melee range#oh yeah and did I mention melees have the ability to have upwards of 60% random crit chance?#Sure when other people insta-kill someone with a melee it's funny but when I. the Spy player. insta kill someone#Rare high moments my pasty white ASS#not to mention how dispraportionately these benefit some classes (demo#look.it's basic math#the lowest crit chance on a ranged weapon is what 6%?#so 1 out of every 20 or so shots will random crit#(don't ask me how this shit works for sustained damage classes like Heavy and Pyro)#most servers are 24 players right?#so if everyone shoots at the same time odds are at least 1 player is going to get a random crit#multiply that by how ever many hundreds of shots are fired over the course of a game and suddenly it isn't so rare#and suddenly those “rare high moments” aren't so rare any more#not to mention how it benefits classes like demo. soldier. and pyro because of their wide area of effect#jank hit reg makes you miss a stab and now the medic's aware of you? BAM random crit from an Ubersaw#trying to bait an engie away from his sentry you just sapped? BAM Random Crit from a wrench#I think there's a good reason you never see a random triple damage bonus in any other FPS game ever
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Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3
#Personal#Feeling dreadful bc so many friends have shared with me things they wrote that I SO GENUINELY AM EXCITED TO READ#I've just had literally no time nor energy for ANYTHING I enjoy in like a month#And I'm also literally not sleeping. I'm either not sleeping or I have recurring nightmares that wake me up. It's god-awful#Therapy isn't helping either cause atp I already know everything they're advising me about it's just not working#Nothing's changed either which ofc makes me feel worse. No meds changed no habits changed nothing crazy happened#I'm just suddenly worse than I've been in years which is Not Good#I feel awful for not being able to read my friends' things if I could let y'all see my mind you'd know I want to read what you write so bad#I just can't right now. I'm sorry#Not to mention work and school have been especially more demanding recently and I literally get home after 8 every single night#Don't even eat dinner til past 10pm#Doing hw until 3am etc etc#It's like high-school all over again but I'm an adult with more responsibilities than ever
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I just . Repeating "characters are tools" you end up erasing so much about arashi's character and motivations and interactions with other characters if you avoid using her pronouns aka avoid showing she's transgender. It's on the same level of frustration with the translators i had when i saw they had Mika speaking standard English, there's a LOT that gets lost if you don't show those little things.
#and sure maybe some things wouldn't matter bc - i don't read many knights stories so beyond what's mentioned ab arashi in stories i've read#like those featuring mika and such#so i can't say for her but i can say for mika - because a lot of it is touched upon in ! which isn't getting translated#mika talks about his accent and dialect and such the most in ! HOWEVER#you still have idol story 3 where he talks with Tsumugi about how people perceive him because of his accent and#about how he feels like he's letting people down by not conforming to the positive stereotypes associated with his speech#and if you make him speak the standard language you completely lose that layer#if you erase the fact that Arashi is transgender you completely lose that layer of her characterisation and motivations#she literally has a story in !! where she talks about how much it hurts her to always be cast as the male character#in princess-knight themed shoots when all she wants to be is the princess#but how are you gonna get the full context of that if the story refuses to give you the context you had in the original#ie. that Arashi uses the (hyper)feminine ''atashi'' pronoun and that her speech pattern is one associated with young women#in ! she has a line where she asks i believe koga to not use the slur used for effeminate/gay men for her#because her name is arashi narukami and if anything she wants to be called arashi-chan or naruko#which is also additional context lost if you don't translate it right - the -ko suffix in a name is traditionally feminine#i'm no expert either but i'm a writer and i plan on working as a translator#and these are things that - if lost in translation - will impact your understanding of the entire story and/or character#whether it will have you completely misunderstanding it or just being confused is irrelevant but it's like#in my opinion as a translator it's your duty to translate even the subtext#if you need to show that arashi is transgender you don't need to say it (even tho#she did once say ''i will never be the woman i want to be'' iirc and#i do have recollection of mika telling her ''i don't really get it but you're a girl right?'')#but you should give us the same chance to come to the same conclusions which is to say. translate naruko to the best of your abilities.#idfk Nary maybe ? i feel like the -y ending is usually diminutive rather than feminine but.#something to that tune. and give her a girly speech pattern. it exists in english too.#slang can be associated with gender too#like you guys get it right.
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Today the UK Government started seizing refugees for their unfathomably cruel Rwanda deportation plan. People who fled to this country seeking safety will be suddenly crammed into detention centres and held for months, before being forced onto planes to an unfamiliar country where they will not be safe. An initiative that will cost the taxpayer £millions and will not achieve anything but making desperate people's lives even worse.
Today the UK Government announced further crackdowns on disability welfare, with planned removals of benefits for people with depression/anxiety in favour of 'therapy', and replacing cash benefits with 'vouchers'. Following months of increased media discreditation of disabilities and a culture that demonises people on benefits, plus government interest in legalising physician-assisted suicide, it's clear that this move is intended to push people into homelessness and suicide.
I hate it here. This country just seems to have an unerasable streak of vicious spite and disdain, and countless wealthy and well-connected monsters desparate to claw us back to the era of workhouses and debtors' prisons.
#cw: suicide mention#uk politics#disability rights#rwanda flights#fuck the tories#social murder#i am on disability benefits#i can't currently afford both daily essentials and therapy#I was put on a CBT course through the NHS and it was completely useless#but even therapy that works for me isn't going to be very effective if i'm starving and struggling to keep a roof over my head#don't even get me started on the vouchers#or 'claiming things back through receipts'
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Huge funger Peste lore drop below for those interested.
Plaga (changed her name for f&h only) is also a vendor in Fear & Hunger: Termina but unlike Pocketcat who sells "valuable knowledge" in exchange of the contestants heads, I'd like to think she trades basic items (such as food or potions) for the useless ones.
Because she was created by Rher and her role in the overworld seems to imply the proximity of death, decay or destruction I thought it would be quite treacherous if she'd sell items used for surviving.
She is as old as the other servants of the moon god but it wouldn't make much sense for her to be in the first game as the dungeon has already suffered its fate, while the Termina Festival is something happening in the present. That's why I'm likely to draw her in the second game. I'd also like to mention that when I say she "implies the proximity of death, decay or destruction" I don't mean it for a singular individual, more like doom for an entire city or geographical space in which she can be recognise by people.
On this matter, it has been recorded in ancient books that killing this creature in order to avoid any catastrophe to happen only brings a more painful and dreadful end, as well as the anger of the Trickster God.
Well that's it!
Basically dropped most of what I've come up to until now because I was feeling like it.
Thank you for your attention.
#fear and hunger#peste#lore drop#also this isn't the right place to mention this but thank you#thank you so much for your kind words in reblogs or even comments under my posts#bad thoughts are way heavier than the good ones#and I often end up feeling like my work isn't worth showing around#so when I read people's reactions in reblogs I'm genuinely crying#not entirely for happiness but for realising how bad I am treating myself#so thank you for sticking around
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Sacrilege! Lunacy! Blasphemy! Heresy!
I've been listening to Board of Governors for three days straight since seeing @loadingbones mention their AU and how the Jekyll and Hyde musical reminds them of Wilson.
This is how he got kicked out of University. To me ♥
#Don't Starve#Don't Starve Together#DST#DS Wilson#Don't Starve Wilson#DST OC#The Witch#The Gentleman Scientist#This isn't a jekyll and hyde au this is just canon. change my mind.#go listen to Board of Governors right now 🔫#Verse: Au Pair#also i mentioned this before but sometimes winnie just goes to the attic and reads while he works. peak parallel play.#screenshot edits
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No crafting update today, because I did a bunch of cleaning, ran some errands (had to mail some stuff and get a replacement headset for work because mine spontaneously separated into two pieces yesterday) and now I'm making chicken and dumplings for dinner So like, got a lot done, but absolutely none of it craft related and I'm really pushing my limits physical spoons-wise (in that my POTS is flaring up not in that I used all the actual spoons cooking lol) I have a really really cool art trade thing to show y'all but it has to wait until I can take photos, so that'll be later today or maybe tomorrow
#the person behind the yarn#crafting update#food mention#chicken and dumplings is perhaps an odd choice considering how hot it currently is outside#and the fact that the AC is not working correctly in my house#but my dad asked for it for fathers day#so...chicken and dumplings it is!#I just looked at the thermostat and it's 80 in my house right now I no longer feel even slightly bad#about hitting the metaphorical wall so hard pots-wise#because this morning I was feeling GREAT and I was like I can DO THINGS I will CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE#and then I got back from shopping and was like I will...sit down#sitting down is what I will do until cooking time#and I didn't know why but it's 80 inside!!#and like yeah 80 isn't thaaaat hot but I am very very sensitive to heat. anything over 76 I start wilting#well okay with my new meds I can actually tolerate up to like 78 most days#but 80 is Too Hot#for anyone new confused as to why I don't tolerate heat when it's not really that hot: I have salt wasting syndrome and POTS#heat is a dilates blood vessels (bad for POTS) and makes you sweat (losing even more salt)#I visibly wilt like a dramatic houseplant lol
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i hate being a low empathy autistic because i never have the correct response for emotional situations. i can't feel the pain that others feel, and i can't "put myself in their shoes" to understand. and it's not that i don't understand sadness, because i do - i understand it greatly, i just struggle with the empathetic part of it. so when i'm approached with others' emotions and they expect me to sympathize with them, i look like a sociopath because i can't, and i can't fake it either. but then i don't show them the correct response - the one they're looking for; the empathy that they seek - and then they get frustrated with me, and it hurts, because i don't want to hurt them just because i don't understand them. it would be easier, sometimes i think, to be a sociopath.
#i'm racking my brain trying to find the right emotions and i come up with nothing#i'm frustrated#for brief context#tw: mention of sa#my mom's stepdad died and she's really upset about it#but he was a bad person and sa'ed her in her childhood#and i had a relieved reaction but she's been upset all day for her mom who's now alone#but her mom was equally horrible#and i'm just really confused and don't know the appropriate response#apparently “oh good the abuser is gone” was not the correct response#and now i can feel that she's upset but i lack the empathy to handle the situation#on top of that the guy at work is nonstop texting me his feelings for me#and i have been ignoring him for days because as bad as it sounds i don't care and i don't know how to politely ask him to stop#bc i've asked him to not do that so many times and i'm running out of polite responses and my only other response is to avoid#also this isn't to put down sociopaths or anything#sometimes i just wish i could have low empathy and not care so much about how it affects others#i'm just lost
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So, I met my nurse today and she said I'm finally getting scheduled for the ADHD testing on Dec 18th—after all these years. Albeit she said that it may not change a thing, but it's good to test it anyway.
I also had a discussion with my teacher today about my problems and we went through some stuff, and I might feel a little bit more enlightened about some things, which will hopefully help me.
Still. I'm having trouble with planning some stuff at my workplace because the staff there simply doesn't have time, and my instructor is also a very busy person (plus she's fussy and impatient and a little upset/disappointed with me which is not making it any easier for me), so that is still giving me a lot of stress right now.
So, I don't know. On the other hand, one teacher says I'm doing a good job and that I shouldn't quit. Then again, this particular school and their style of teaching simply might not be the thing for me and I expressed that concern today as well. I need help getting through with some stuff and nobody has time for me, so it's obviously not good.
I also need to find another place to train soon and that workplace would have to be something where I wouldn't have to manage 15 things at the same time and well. Finding that could be a challenge, too.
But. I suppose we're going somewhere.
#personal#last week i cried twice after a workday#and my nurse also mentioned today that i still have a learning disability which will definitely make things harder for me#but also that there's nothing that can be done about it so... great#so i mentioned this to my teacher and she wrote it down but#basically there are only two choices for me now#either i pass this training somehow and plan my displays at my current workplace so well that i never have to do this again#or i will only complete my training for this period and then find another workplace and do my displays there#i can't postpone them much later apparently or so i understood. so they are not giving a lot of choices there really#and we did talk about me considering another school as well#where i can spend more time in the classroom actually learning things and less time working and trying to study at the same time#because this clearly isn't working for me. i can't do two things at the same time. not well at least. and i want to do well#but i tried applying for that kind of school in this field last summer. i didn't get in & i was 8th in line#i would've gotten in working with kids instead. but that school was further away and i probably would've found it even more stressful#than what i'm doing now#so i don't know. this is so fucking stressful for me honestly#like i like what i'm doing but i also really hate what i'm doing because this also requires stuff from me that i am simply not good at#and i'd have to put extra energy into it but i don't have much energy in me right now tbh#ugh
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gonna keep it shmoovin man
#just me hi#i have a piece i was working on last night that i realized after i didn't have my computer could actually be Much more accurate to my ideaa#but that means i gotta scrap some stuff. sigh ᴗ.ᴗ#also i couldn't get around to readin my thing yesterday cuz my focus was shot for some reason lmao <//3#i would open the thing and then just start. driiiifting away kfshvg#//anyway idk what happened but why have i started to miss Gs at the end of my words Lmfhvaf#i already do that in real life we don't needa do that here too kfshvh#'asz wu' 'm sayin man !!' <- my engrish :3#i do like it though i think it's fun :> but my typingggg not you too kfsvhg#//anywho i've got a $1.75 thing i'm workin on :D#it's gonna hopefully be the third part to those last two i did for that thing#which goes adoration -> devotion -> guess hfh :3#i'm normal abt these guys. [places them in a lunchbox and throws it into the river to watch the bubbles] yea :)#//anyway Wednesday#not the best of the week days i will not lie#like you're stuck between the beginning and the end and it's just got that undecided feeling to it ykno what i mean pfshv#//also LMAO i've been calling feet/foot 'peets/poot' bc i think it's goofy and i don't like the F sound#and i got leo into saying it and he was talkin to somebody and had to explain what it was Lmfhjshfg#my infec- influence is spreading. influence. that's what i said#my woerds: peet. poot. tomach. shnoze. ham. heed. fingaa. ect ect#//ouhhh my collarbone keeps making these snappy noises when i pull my shoulders back#it's only occasional but holy shizz it's loud sometimes. like 'when we're in church i think you can hear it 4 pews back' loud khgsfjhfvjg#//ANYWAY i was mentioning wednesday earlier cuz it's not the best of days on the week (we know this) but i wanna go skating </3#'why isn't wednesday good for that' because it's the middle of the week. [gesturing]#i can't explain it but things need to happen on- Oo i like this songgggkkggg- either weekends or the other 4 days of the weekday#wednesday is for appointments you really don't want. i'm sorry but it's a filler day <//3#which means no happenings on a wednesday. it's illegal. that's right. Illegal#even thursday is iffy man. tuesday? tuesday is your last-chance stop. perhaps i do have thoughts about silly things Kfhvsjhgsf#nobody tell leo he's tryna get me for having a weird brain. the sentence is 5000 years of i-told-you 😔 Lmaooo#//OKAY i think i'm outta tags tho lemme say ciao here loll :3 toodles tooooodles !!! <3
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