#The doctors tend to be toxic know it alls on the phones.

[shadowkira]

This client was so friendly and it kind of threw me for a second, then I realized he sells Ferraris.

Still super nice to interact with someone so genuinely interested in asking how your day is but up until he came up for check out I was like... You definitely work in customer service or sales. Lmao.

[opluffys]

Mentor + Mentee-

-second part-

somethin quick, this was posted to my archive first as usual. pls let me know if there are any errors or if it copied weird. enjoy!!! :)

tags- thigh riding, vaginal sex, creampie, rough sex, toxic relationship, fem reader.

3.5k words.

-Ghost x Reader-

-nsfw/smut-

Hanging up and tossing the heavy wired phone onto your desk, you groaned in pure exasperation. The paperwork on your desk seemed endless, the monotonous and drab of black ink on bright white paper burning your irises, enforcing a migraine on you.

You've just gotten off the phone with, whoever the fuck, discussing the possibility of getting an assistant to help you with the excess of paperwork you've been filling out as of late. You were a doctor, your main job consisted of ensuring your patients didn't bleed out under your steady and careful hand. It was already hard enough, and now you had the added stress of the sneering stack of papers mocking you.

You clicked the ballpoint pen, bouncing your leg as the tip of the pen hit the paper, dark ink pooling and bleeding through the thin material. Your grip tightened just then, the bouncing of your leg increasing tenfold as your thoughts ran wild.

And as you continued to think, you remembered a crucial detail.

The Task Force, fuck, they're coming back today. From some mission, and you're sure Gaz told you all about it while you gave him a routine checkup, but for the life of you, you couldn't remember the main gist of it.

You didn't want to face them, face him.

•

Biting back a wail of pain as you removed the intravenous line from Soap's arm, you heard Gaz howl in laughter from the spare cot he rested on. Which had garnered him an angered stare by Soap.

"You're such a baby," Gaz laughed, turning on his side to stare right at both you and Soap.

"Fuck off." Soap gritted, hissing in agony as you continued to stitch up his lesion.

"You gonna make me?" He teased, his stare not faltering on Soap's. He glared at him, about to retaliate with his own quip before you proceeded to wipe his wound clean, the sterile stench of the antiseptic flooding your nostrils. He let out a muted scream, his good arm covering the top half of his face.

"Keep still, Johnny." You huffed, adjusting the surgical mask pulled over your features. Gaz seemed to be having a field-day at watching the scene unfold, a smug smile on his lips.

"Gaz, I can stop the morphine drip, you know." You hummed, a hidden smile of your own forming. He looked at you, a glint of fear striking his honey eyes. You held back the urge to laugh, you enjoyed teasing both of these boys in your office, and you knew the three of you were aware that you'd never do anything to bring them more pain.

"Sorry ma'am."

Now it was Soap's turn to laugh, and you discarded your surgical gloves while hearing the two hurl crude insults at one another. They provided decent white noise, and you'd take that over the deafening silence of your rampant thoughts whilst your pen danced elegantly over the various documents.

The two eventually quieted down, a tranquil silence over them as you watched the pain medication take effect on their bodies. Not even five minutes passed before you heard them snore loudly, all cuddled up into the scratchy hospital blankets.

It'd been a couple of days since the entirety of the Task Force had returned. You've only been treating Gaz and Soap, your full attention on them. Usually, you would treat them all, but you honestly didn't want to face Ghost one on one. So, to take some heat off of you, you asked another medic to tend to both Price and Ghost. Just so he didn't feel like you'd singled him out.

But, your attempts would be in vain.

•

Stretching and hearing your joints and ligaments pop in relief, you slumped over the desk, a heavy sigh leaving your lips as you filed the last group of papers. Both Gaz and Soap had left your office today, thanking you for taking care of them (after raiding your lollipop drawer).

So, you sat alone, the small swooshes of air against your body feeling welcomed, the ceiling fan above creaking with every spin. All you'd have to do now was stamp the final line of the packet, ensuring you've read over the contents carefully, and then you were free. Free to run into the uncomfortable and ill-fitting confines of your bunk.

You were lost in the work, so much so you hadn't even noticed the hulking figure taking up most of the space within your office.

"You're avoidin' me."

You nearly shrieked in terror, almost developing a fatal case of tachycardia as you held your hand over your rapidly beating heart.

"What?" Part of you wasn't really surprised that Ghost had managed to sneak up on you, it was his job, after all.

"You're avoidin' me," He repeated, stepping closer to you in large and fluid strides.

"No, I'm not avoiding you. Don't be ridiculous." Yes, I am.

"Actin' all innocent on me," He was right across from you now, his large hands resting on the cheap and fake wood of your desk, hearing it creak under his weight, "we both know that's not the truth."

"It is." It isn't.

"Get up." He commanded, and you knew that tone, that authoritarian inside of him being twisted and used against you in a way that it shouldn't.

"I'm busy." Liar.

"I won't ask again."

You shuddered lightly, telling yourself that it was just because of the excessive air from the ceiling fan skating across your heated skin. But you knew such a thing was a falsified truth.

"What? What is so important that-"

"Come over here." He hushed you before you could even finish your sentence, seating himself on a sterilised and neatly prepped cot. It was all too familiar, to the point where that same damned familiar throbbing and heat was felt in between your legs.

Your legs shook, hesitating to even take a single step towards Ghost, your mind and body both telling you different things. It was tearing you apart in the most agonising and tortuous way.

Still, you'd made you way towards him, standing idly as you struggled to maintain eye contact with him. A scowl formed on your lips, eyes flickering to his chilled demeanour. You hated how he was always so calm- so tranquil and at ease, like he wasn't feeling the same things you were, maybe because he's not, at least not for you.

"Sit." He spread his massive legs, indicating exactly where he'd wanted you. You listened wordlessly, taking a seat on his muscled thighs, your hands fisting into your scrubs.

"Make it quick," You huffed, now attempting to remove your uniform, "I have a lot to do." You sighed, fingers hooking at your waistband and pulling down, or at least you'd attempted to do so, being stopped by a harsh hand encapsulating both of your wrists.

He held your hip with his lone hand, beginning to slide you over the thick muscle of his thigh, hearing you gasp in shock. His eyes pierced your own, roughly continuing to move you atop him, the material of both your scrubs and panties against your clit overwhelming.

The both of you continued to stare at one another, your breath quickening as you felt that cursed familiarity of your orgasm creeping up on you with silent strides. Your hands were still stuck in Ghost's firm grasp, wanting nothing more than to grab at him, to pull his mask forward and kiss him like you'd perish without it. Without him.

Just thinking of such a scenario had you reeling, your hips jerking as you felt your clit being rubbed just by his thigh alone. The feeling of his as well as your uniform dragging against that sensitive nub making your mind go hazy.

As you felt your release become imminent, he stopped his movements, unshackling your hands from his grip. He hastily tore your uniform, something of which he'd only done when he was particularly angered. With you or his mission, you had no clue.

His cruel stare on you was discomforting, he looked at you like you were a piece of meat- something subhuman. Just a body to warm his cock, and how fitting your thoughts were- because he quickly slipped his own bottoms down, revealing his erect cock for a split second before burying himself inside of you.

Always so rushed, hurried and lacking any control. A crude opposition to him on the field.

You suppressed a high pitched moan, hands itching to touch him, to ground yourself against him and ride him until your thighs would burn akin to hellfire. He let out a deep grunt, his hand slapping the excess flesh at your ass, bouncing you atop him like you had been weightless.

As much as you didn't want to admit it, you were familiar with the fact that you were just Ghost's stress reliever. How he'd prowl into your office during the late hours to bend you over any surface and fuck you until muted screams left your lips.

For a while, you didn't mind it at all.

In actuality, you'd enjoyed such a thing. You felt an odd sense of honour swell in your chest, at the sole fact that he'd chosen you. He chose your body to hold onto, to whisper vile and cruel things in your ear, to grab at your body like that was all you were- a body. Void of a soul, a conscious, anything.

Being his personal fuck-doll had its ups and downs, where he'd make you orgasm more times than you could count, fucking you until you cried. But the polar opposite, of when he'd leave dark purples on your thighs, your hips, neck, fucking everywhere.

Like he was doing now.

You felt his hands roam around your softer body, catching at the fat of your hips, anchoring himself to you and bouncing you atop his thick and girthy cock with fervour. It was as if he didn't know the extent of his raw strength, already biting dark hues of purple into your soft and delicate skin.

Your eyes fluttered shut as your body struggled not to slump forward, flush against his strong chest. You didn't touch him, you swore you wouldn't. He didn't deserve it. A pathetic little thing you told yourself, just so you didn't get attached, because there was nothing more you'd yearned for to hold him like a lover did. To wrap your arms around him and feeling him lovingly piston into you, to kiss your cheek tenderly while your wet insides squeezed him with a vengeful grasp.

It's all too late, anyway.

He stopped, grabbing your chin and watching as your eyes popped open in disillusion.

"Eyes on me," Low, accented tone gravelly as he commanded you.

How dare he, your eyes met his instantaneously. Watching intently as his platinum lashes rested on his zygoma for a millisecond before opening back up to look at you. To look into you, to pick you apart, seemingly, until you turned to nothing. An obedient creature glued to his side, aching knees and jaw being ignored as you served him, like the good little thing you were.

His strained sounds were heard, quiet groans and animalistic sounding grunts as he thrusted upwards, bashing into your womb again and again. It hurt so good and you fucking hated it. You hated how just sole eye contact alone would have you naked and pressed against his clothed chest, fat cock stretching your insides.

Fuck, you loved it.

You absolutely adored it, being stuffed full of him, his mushroom tip pressing flush against your womb. Loved the bruises, the blemishes he's caused. His markings, claiming you as his, his plaything. Like an infants grubby hands over a shiny new toy, slobbering all over it and showing everyone that it was theirs.

No, you'd repeat, whilst being lifted off of him, your hands linked with each other behind your back, before being brought back down to him. Heavy cock twitching inside your tight walls, slick coating his dick, veiny and big, always reaching new spots inside of you. Spots that had searing stars incandescently tug at your vision.

Conflicting emotions, a curse, something that'd have you lay awake at night. Lay in your own cot, or sat next to an ill patient. Thinking about him, wondering, perhaps he was thinking of you, too.

How laughable.

Your eyes wandered, the interminable connection of your irises to his inadmissible. His eyes were always so eloquent, nearly showing what he'd been thinking. You couldn't stand it. You enjoyed the mask, enjoyed not seeing his face, because then, it'd be that much more personal. He wouldn't be Ghost to you anymore, he'd be someone, someone more than just a bed warmer.

Would you, though?

He squeezed your hips, garnering your attention to him once more. His brows furrowed, a thin sheet of sweat encompassing the two of you. He continued to fuck into your slick heat, revelling in how you always took him so well, as he said. Drunk off of you alone, and it was one of those nights.

"Fuckin' made for me,"

Just a slip of the tongue.

But no, you took that and ran with it, lungs burning while your legs continued to sprint. Oh, how you wished that was the case. You were tethered to him for a single purpose, for him to empty himself into you, to lay you across the hospital cot and fuck you from the back, always feeling him so deep. A place where no other man could dare to traverse, could never reach, anyway.

Was it on purpose?

Moulding you to his shape, getting you accustomed (it was always impossible anyways, taking him) to his cock. To spite you when you settled down, found a man who would love you, who would care for you. He wouldn't be enough, because Ghost already left his mark.

You were knocked out of your thoughts, thankfully, when you felt his gloved fingers begin to rub tight circles into your clit. His eyes now studied where the two of you had been joined, watching as your greedy pussy would always desperately pull his girth back in for more, a pathetic beg, don't leave.

You suddenly wailed, your hands grabbing his broad shoulders for purchase as your body shook. Toes curling, back arching as your eyes etched shut, sparkly tears trailing down your heated cheeks. You came hard against him, your essence coating his cock as he fucked you relentlessly, low and deep growls rumbling through his chest. He cursed, feeling your velvety insides continuing to take him deeper inside, he's already giving it all to you but fuck, you want more, you want it all.

"Such a greedy little thing."

He always knew what you were thinking.

"Love when I fuck you like this, don't you?"

Yes, no, yes, no-

"When I fill you up, fuckin' love it, don't you," He groaned, throwing his head back as he buried himself deep within you, nearly invading the inside of your womb as his warm and thick seed filled you. Marking you so that no other man could ever- would ever, do something striking even to him. Such a cruelty, acting like you'd belonged to him. You didn't know what he'd looked like, only aware of his name from medical records.

"Always so good for me."

And you hated how that had been the unvarnished truth.

•

You stared at your hands, ungloved and bare. Soft, skilled, shaking.

Why?

You'd touched him, in a way you swore you wouldn't ever. You'd expected to be thrown off, to be looked at as scum, worse than such a thing.

It was an accident, you didn't mean to. You weren't thinking straight, it was unfeasible with him splitting you open atop his lap. You just needed to ground yourself against him, for fear of falling, pathetic excuses.

A rueful thing you'd been over the next days, your usual adept hands quivering and trembling as you'd treated some of your patients.

You heard the click of a door open, and your posture snapped up, glossy eyes searching for who entered your space.

A breath of relief as it had just been Price.

You snapped a fresh pair of gloves on, bright blue going well with your dark scrubs. You led him to a cleaned cot, asking him just what the problem had been.

"Nothin' much, love." You loathed yourself for how your heart desired him to call you more pet names. To fill in Ghost's shadow and take care of you, as the natural leader he was. You were sure he'd be excellent at doing so.

"Missed your stitches, though." He huffed, relaxing into the bed as you ran an intravenous line for him just in case.

You looked at him, a quizzical glint in your eye. "My medic didn't take good care of you two?" Just you-

"Oh, no, didn't mean it like that." He looked penitent, kind eyes trailing over you before returning back to your stare. "Just meant that you know me better, sweetheart."

It was the truth, you were the Task Force's doctor, after all. It was just an innocent compliment of how good of a physician you'd been. Yet, you felt dizzy, the room a pirouette as you forced yourself to become calm.

"I'll keep that in mind next time, Price." You smiled, motioning for him to lift his shirt to check his lesions and other deep gashes that required attention. Your medic had done a good job, stitching and sterilising his wounds. But, the stitches were beginning to loosen, and you didn't need the wound becoming infected.

Your touches on him were always solicitous on him, more so than the others. Your gloved fingertips gentle on his muscled body, your stare wrongfully looking at his abs, lower and lower to that mesmerising trail of h-

"Gaz and Soap again?" He questioned, his gruff voice shaking you.

You looked at him confused, before he nodded towards the empty jar of sweets. You hadn't even noticed, they must've done so when you were out of the room, those stealthy bastards.

"Had to be," You laughed, making a mental note to restock the jar, "sorry you didn't get one."

"S'alright love." He hummed, his striking blues closing as you redid the stitches over his abdomen, watching as his stomach twitched in response to your careful and airy touch.

You finished quickly, removing your gloves and tossing them in a spare bin. You questioned if he'd wanted the extra fluids and medication, but he'd declined, thanking you for patching him up.

You motioned to clean your station, grabbing the bag of saline fluid before it had popped open, spilling all over your top. You cursed in vexation, more angry at the lost supplies rather than your soiled uniform.

Price quickly was at your side, spare cloth in hand as he attempted to clean the saline from your scrubs. "It's fine," You said, not used to being so close to him. His scent was intoxicating, that hint of smoke already having you feel utterly addicted to his presence alone.

He brushed you off, offering his services as he continued to dry you off. The cloth caught on the neck of the scrubs, pulling the material just below your clavicle, just where that array of purple lay, unperturbed on your skin. He let out a rushed apology, fixing you to look decent, his demeanour so focused on you.

Normally, it was the other way around.

But it felt nice being the one taken care of, for once.

•

Tossing your uniform into the laundry, you felt nice in a new set of clothes. No longer being confined to scrubs, but instead a comfortable cotton outfit against you. You eyed yourself in the mirror, clicking your tongue in distaste. Dark rings of purple running around the underside of your eyes, looking as if you haven't slept in years. Hell, it felt that way, too.

You'd had a long day, full of monotonous paperwork, sobbing soldiers who had flooded your office, crying for their mothers, and the thoughts of both Ghost and Price so tiring. You were giddy to finally be able to curl up into your bunk, drifting off into a dreamless sleep before your day would repeat at dawn.

And that was exactly what you had planned to do, to forget the days contents and reset and rest for the next.

But there Ghost was, at your door and telling you something, his words lost on you as you stared at him, balaclava pulled securely in place. Your eyes were fixed on his shoulders, right where you'd touched.

He beckoned you on to follow after him, and you wanted to plant your feet to the floor. To tell him no, to tell him that you had better things to do than to get fucked by him tonight.

Of course, you didn't do any of that.

Instead, you followed his lead, not asking a single question the entire way.

[foggyforest4169]

'𝙳𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚊𝚜𝚜' 𝙹𝚘𝚑𝚗 '𝚂𝚘𝚊𝚙' 𝙼𝚌𝚃𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚡 𝙼𝚊𝚕𝚎!𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

So... im not dead, I've just been at school and have had writers block until 3am last night (haha please help me)

Summery: You are the new medic on the team, task force 141 go drinking to celebrate the completion of a mission and johnny boy got himself into a bit of trouble (I promise the song will make sense)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Task force 141, what an... interesting team to say the least, I've only just joined this team but it has been the most amusing time of my life. I was recruited on the team as a medic and these guys were quite the men to work with, I mean we have one guy that refuses to take of his mask... I swear he even sleeps in the thing, then we have the dumb Scotsman who was accident prone, there was also this tall Austrian man who would just appear out of no where... I don't even know if he's part of our team hes very confusing. But yeah, Task Force 141 my new family.

We've just recently finished up a mission in Italy so its time to celebrate. Once we were back in England, we went to the local pub, the one used for all celebrations. "To Task force 141!" Price cheered as everyone raises there glasses.

Now these men are heavy drinkers, especially after a tough mission so within a couple hours everyone except me and Ghost were pissed out of there heads (Ghost had to drive back and I had to be there in case of emergencies). Everyone was laughing and having a great time until good old johnny boy decided to jump up on a table and start singing 'Toxic' by Britney Spears and doing the choreography because a drunk roach bet him 50 quid he wouldn't do it. It was all fun and I even have the video on my phone... where the fuck did he learn that dance? Well about half way through his show, soap slipped and falls of the table with a shatter and a large crack... for fuck sake.

"AH FUCK YA WEE BASTARD" He yells holding his leg, the most accident prone man I know. He was a good army man but fuck me did he manage to injure himself in every way possible. I rushed over to him and saw glass shards stuck in his leg while his knee is popped out of place, great.

"For fuck sake Johnny" Ghost sighed while the other boys were pissing themselves at what just happened.

"I'm gonna take him back, make sure no one else gets injured" I sighed as I helped the bundle of laughing Scotsman off the floor. "Come on dumbass, I'm taking you back" Despite his protests, I wrapped my arm around his shoulder for support while he was hopping out of the bar, with a lot of struggle we managed to get in a taxi and drive back to the base.

"Sit here and stay still" I said as I grabbed the supplies I needed, what a dumb way to get injured, singing and dancing to toxic while drunk. "Blow on this" I handed him the green whistle while he was giggling, dirty minded fuck. After He relaxed a bit I held his knee and snapped it back into place causing him to wince a bit, his hands gripping on my shoulders. "You alright Johnny?" I asked as I looked up at him

"Aye... fuck that felt good" he sighed loosening his grip on my shoulders. I stood up and laid him on the bed as I start to tend to the wounds. "Just carry on blowing" I said causing him to laugh again

"I'd like to blow on you..." He said out loud causing my eyes to widen, I think that was a thought that was meant to stay in his mind. I try to ignore his statement and carry on tending to his wounds. Once I bandaged everything up, my arm was wrapped around his shoulder again has I helped him to his room. I made sure he was all settled down and comfortable, before I started to speak again

"You're a dumbass Johnny" I chuckled as I propped up his leg

"And you're hot doctor" He slurred before yawning and chuckling as well... I guess alcohol makes you say your true thoughts

"Get some sleep, there's a bowl by your bed if you need to throw up and don't you dare try get up, I'll go find the crutches" I said a bit caught off guard as I left his room and prepared a hangover kit for him as well as the crutches, two weeks and he should be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(Perspective switch to Johnny boy)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck... what happened last night... I tried to move my body to get up but I'm met with immense pain. I pull off the quilt and see my leg bandaged up from the just above my knee to my foot. My head was pounding as I turned to my bedside table and saw crutches, water, pain killers, £50 and two notes, one from ghost and one from the new medic... oh shit... I hope I didn't say anything dumb last night. I opened ghost's note which read:

'Here's 50 for your little show last night, its from Roach's wallet. Also You're buying drinks next time'

What the fuck did i do?! I check my phone and see a message from a random number. It was a video of me dancing and singing Toxic before falling of the table... oh my god.

Then I check the note from the new medic:

'Morning dumbass, thought you might wanted these to help with hangover and your leg. By the way, loved your dancing last night, it was better than Britney. You've got my number now, watch the video its fucking hilarious

-The 'Hot' doctor

P.S You're not bad yourself, come see me in my room handsome ;)'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Thank you for reading this, let me know if you have any suggestions. I'll try upload more but no promises that it'll be fast.

Bye =)

[annwrites]

"Tell me you love me," he commands. Tears sting your eyes. "I love you." "My name." "I love you, Angus."

"I'm so sorry," you say, choking back tears. "Stop fucking crying!" He shouts, shaking you. You squeeze your eyes shut, willing it away. Hoping that when you open them again, he'll have disappeared.

He’s not leaving until he learns what you look like, too. Feel like, maybe. He’ll have to decide that part once you let him inside. And you will. — You wouldn’t go to college. Wouldn’t become an engineer. Wouldn’t make enough money to try and give yourself, as well as your dad, a better life. And Angus doesn’t stay away from you. Instead, he becomes all you eventually have to turn to.

He, sharp rusted shards liable to cut soft delicate skin—bringing about malignant infection, while you yourself are more like a piece of thin linen—one sharp tug against a frayed edge, and you’ll wholly unravel until there’s none of you left.

You consider turning back around—that you've made a terrible mistake. You want the doctor to get her shiny phone out again, or her fancy laptop, and to contact the authorities. Instead of doing the smart thing, though, you walk over to him, and he stands.

You look at him again, to his neck—focusing your eyes, watching as his carotid pulses beneath the tanned skin. It's just when you're considering a sharps container mounted against the wall that there's a soft knock at the door.

You should ask him to leave. You turn to him. You open your mouth to do so, to tell him to go home—to the one that isn’t this one. And then he crushes his lips to yours.

Angus pinches your nipple gently, rolling it between his rough fingertips, his cock slowly filling with blood.  His lip twitches at the pleasant feeling while he imagines doing revolting things to you. — You glance up and see that his eyes are wide open as he stares at the ceiling, his pupils dilated. Some sick part of you desperately wants to know what’s going on in his head. Maybe you’d like it.

“Everything I do is for you,” Angus says, cocking the lever back. “Including this.” He pulls the trigger.

He tells you no one will ever love you the way he does. You don't think they could, either. Not after all the sins you've committed. You're tainted now, you suppose. Anyone else would call you sick. Think you're filled with disease.

“Like our old man? He was the first, wasn’t he? Couldn’t mind his own fucking business. Like when he caught us—you were so young then. I was just trying to teach you. Wasn’t nothin’ wrong with it.” He goes back to licking you again, cleaning you up. You’d been fifteen. Angus over twice your age at that point. 

You feel like a frightened little girl who's been forced to live inside a woman's body that you never asked for—you've been forced to do a lot of things; given even more that you don't want to have. You fear, frequently, that that's all you'll ever be: the girl in the closet, hiding from a monster that always knows how to find her. [...] You'd read once about a term...imposter syndrome. They seem to know what they're doing with the grown-ups parts they've been given to carry around. You don't. It just feels like burdensome, extra baggage to you. Sometimes it's more than you can bear. And instead of helping shoulder some of it, Angus just adds onto the straining weight of it all.

Sometimes...you go somewhere else inside while he tends to his carnal needs. Some place that you've never been, but feels familiar because you visit it so often. He can't find you there. It's the only place he can't.

You bite your lower lip—squeezing your eyes shut—before releasing it, sighing loudly, your slick walls clenching around his thick cock, teasing and pleasing him, until he slams an open palm against the cabinet next to your head, yelling as he comes inside you in one long spurt, filling you up with himself; with toxic sludge that you think one day might give you cancer. But you already have a tumor between your legs. It's why you suffer every day. 

You don't think you've ever drawn in a breath of air that hasn't been tainted with him.

You feel like a doll tonight. You do a lot of the time, really. Pretty on the outside—at least Angus says so occasionally—empty on the in.

You’re not strong enough to keep him if he wanted to walk away. But he likes you being weak. Weaker, at least.

No way the old man has cleaned up his act. He hopes he hasn’t. If he has… The thought makes him feel worse. He deserves to live the same shit lifestyle that he does. The same one he introduced him to. He’s responsible. For all of it.

Sublimation, Colubrina / Algedonic, R.H. Sin / Plainwater, Anne Carson / Cut, Caitlyn Siehl / Ask Polly: Help, I'm the Loneliest Person in the World!, Heather Havrilesky / The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini / @paulaxdiez / Japanese Breakfast, Boyish / holyaches / x / ciøta / amisouennemis / Two Girls (Lovers) (1911), Egon Schiele ; Going to Scotland, The Mountain Goats / lostaffections / The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath / holyaches / unknown

block quotes all taken from my donnybrook fanfic

[feyreslover]

Melodies of You: Chapter 3

Synopsis:

Feyre mulls over conflicting feelings towards her situation.

Warning: rated mature, (slight) toxic past-relationship

Masterlist

This is an automated response to confirm that you have a doctor's appointment scheduled on 21st of August at 13:00. Please arrive 10 minutes early for check-in. If you need to reschedule or cancel, please reply 'Reschedule' or 'Cancel' to this message, or call our office directly. We look forward to seeing you! Velaris Medical Centre.

Feyre’s hands slightly trembled as she held her phone, re-reading the message, the vegetables she was cutting momentarily forgotten. The starkness of the appointment date seemed to mock her, a looming reminder that the decisions she had been avoiding were no longer theoretical. 

The 21st. Four days away.

She stared at the screen, her mind racing. This was real. There was no more time to push it to the back of her mind, no more pretending that it wasn’t happening. 

The knife in her hand hovered above the chopping board, her grip loosening as the weight of it all began to settle. 

She had been so careful not to let herself dwell too long on what was coming, afraid that if she did, she might break under the pressure. But now, faced with the undeniable reality, there was no more room for avoidance.

Taking a deep breath, Feyre set the phone down on the counter, on top of scattered papers and pieces of mail that she'd elected to ignore, not wanting to know what was inside of them. Forcing herself to focus on the task at hand, She picked up the knife again, resuming the rhythmic chop of the vegetables, trying to steady herself with the familiarity of the routine. 

But her thoughts kept drifting back to the appointment, the questions she had yet to answer, and the future she was still struggling to envision.

Bills, it seemed, tended to dictate her life. The old medical balances and student loans were never ending, and Feyres pay-checks always seemed to make an insignificant dent. Her job, which entailed a junior management position at a smaller art gallery, didn't pay awful per say. Rather the expenses of living were becoming increasingly demanding.

Feyre felt a bitter feeling sink into her stomach. If she was going to keep the baby, she’d have to find another way to gain money, as she was really not in the financial position to support herself, let alone a child. 

She remembered the café across the road from her apartment had stuck ‘hiring now’ posters on the windows. The thought of working there filled her with a mix of dread and determination. It wasn’t what she had planned for herself, but plans had a way of unravelling when you least expected it.

The last time she had walked by, the café had been buzzing with people, laughter and conversation spilling out onto the sidewalk. It had looked cozy, inviting even, but Feyre couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be yet another place where she would have to be a different person. 

But what choice would she have if she continued the pregnancy? The baby growing inside her was a silent, constant reminder that things were different now. She needed some form of stability, something to cling to even if the rest of her life was ever so slowly spinning out of control.

She ran a hand over her still-flat stomach, feeling a pang of anxiety. This baby, unplanned, unexpected, was already changing everything. She hadn’t even had time to process the news before the reality of her situation started to close in on her. A second job wouldn’t be ideal, leading feyre to sacrifice her weekends to make ends meet, but it was a start. 

It was something she could control.

In a moment of clarity, Feyre laughed at herself, at the situation at hand.  She wasn’t on the pill, but they’d used protection. 

Of course, she wasn't stupid. she had heard all the stories, the rare instances where things didn’t work out as planned, where fate had other ideas. But she had never imagined she would be one of those stories. 

It was almost ironic. She had always been so careful, so mindful of the consequences, and yet here she was, the exception to the rule. The universe had a twisted sense of humour it seemed, and right now, it felt like the joke was on her. It had always been on her.

But the laugh died in her throat as reality settled back in. This was real, not some cautionary tale she could distance herself from. She could feel the weight of it, pressing down on her shoulders, reminding her that she couldn’t laugh this away.

Once, she might have held idealistic fantasies of being a mother. With him. 

As Feyre stood in the dimly lit kitchen, her fingers gripping the edge of the counter as she tried to steady her breathing, the sound of his voice, sharp and laced with irritation, echoed in her mind.

***

“I thought we agreed you weren’t supposed to see those people,” Tamlin said, his voice laced with a dangerous edge as he spoke through clenched teeth. His hand gripped the top of the chair so tightly that his knuckles turned white, the tension in his body radiating through the room. His eyes, usually calm in their green nature, now bore into her with an intensity that made the air feel stagnant.

The chair creaked under the pressure of his grip, a small but telling sound that echoed in the silence between them. The unspoken accusation hung in the air, thickening the atmosphere with the weight of his unyielding control. Tamlin's eyes narrowed, his frustration simmering just beneath the surface, threatening to spill over, a wildfire Feyre wasn’t able to control.

The room seemed to shrink around Feyre as she met his gaze, the space between them charged with tension. Every muscle in his body was coiled tight, ready to spring, and she knew that any response she gave would only fan the flames of his anger.

***

He would whisper sweet nothings to her after moments of intimacy about their future family. 

His voice, smooth and laced with a warmth that always caught her off guard, painted vivid pictures of a life they could share. He would describe the estate they would own, outside the city, of course, where their large brood would be nurtured and flourish.

***

"Imagine it, Feyre," he murmured, his breath warm against her ear as they lay tangled in the sheets. "A sprawling estate with rolling hills and ancient trees, far from the chaos of the city. Our children running through the fields, their laughter echoing across the yard."

She closed her eyes and let herself be carried away by his words, picturing the idyllic life he so effortlessly conjured. He made it sound so perfect, so attainable, like it was just waiting for them to reach out and take it.

He went  on, detailing the rooms of the house—the cozy nursery where their babies would sleep, the grand library where they’d read stories together by the fire. "You’ll see," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "we’ll build something beautiful, something that will last."

***

In those moments, she almost believed him. It was easy to get lost in his dreams, to imagine that they could be hers too. But even as she smiled and nodded, a small voice in the back of her mind would whisper doubts, reminding her that words were just… words. The promises, made in the quiet of the night, fading with the morning light.

She was young. Young and naive and willing to cling onto anything that showed her love and affection. 

Feyre leaned back against the wall, taking a deep breath. She had always prided herself on being resilient. But this…this was different. 

Feyre wondered if resilience was something she had chosen, or if it had been thrust upon her by the hardships of her past. She never really gave herself the chance to grieve the loss of her childhood, too busy fighting against the persistent force of life. 

This wasn’t just about her anymore. It was about the life growing inside her, and the responsibility that came with it., if she did decide to keep the baby.

She didn't even want to think about herself being a mother. Her own had secured every insecurity around motherhood into Feyre from a young age, ensuring the title would forever come with unwanted heavy baggage for her. 

However, despite the fear and uncertainty, there was a small, almost imperceptible part of her that was ready to fight, whatever her choice was. 

She wasn’t sure where that strength was coming from, but she knew it was there, waiting for the moment she would need it most.

Yet, she didn't feel like the brave persona she’d put on that night. 

She knew that ultimately, the choice was hers to make. The weight of that decision pressed heavily on her, a constant reminder that she alone was responsible for what came next. But despite that, a pang of guilt gnawed at the edges of her resolve, whispering that she should at least try to reach out to him, to let him know.

There was something about the idea of not giving him a chance that felt wrong, even if she wasn’t sure what his reaction would be—or if she even wanted to know. The truth was, she didn’t even know how to find him. 

They had never exchanged addresses or numbers, their connection fleeting and undefined, more of a shared moment in time than anything else. To be fair, it was her fault for that, for leaving before the sun had risen, slipping out quietly while he was still asleep.

She hadn’t wanted to face the awkwardness of the morning after, the questions or the potential rejection. It had been easier to disappear, to keep the memory of that night untouched by reality. It terrified her in that moment, the chance of something more. But now, as she stood on the precipice of a life-changing decision, she couldn’t help but wonder if her hasty departure had robbed them both of something important.

Had she been too quick to assume he wouldn’t care, or that he wouldn’t want to be involved in something more?

Her thoughts spiralled, each one pulling her deeper into a web of doubt and regret. She wasn’t sure if reaching out was the right thing to do, or just another complication in an already overwhelming situation. To be fair, she was the one who decided to make the interaction anonymous. 

But the guilt lingered, reminding her that some part of this wasn’t just about her—that he had a right to know, even if it was her choice.

She wasn’t sure how to begin, but going from the beginning wouldn't hurt, right?

*** 

As she entered the dimly lit dive bar, she chose to ignore the feeling of the sticky floor under her boots. Looking around, it was quite empty. A group of men sat around a high table, their eyes glued to tv, hiked up high on the wall, displaying a sporting game. 

Deciding to sit in the same spot she chose the last time she was there, she went to order a drink, something strong, before remembering that she couldn't do that. Foregoing an alcoholic beverage, she asked the bartender for a lemonade, mixing the ice cubes aimlessly with a straw after it arrived.

She told herself that she would wait an hour to see if he would show up. She didn't even know if he frequented this bar, let alone would be going tonight.  

At the fifteen minute mark, Feyre had finished her drink.

At half-an-hour, she was on her third lemonade, surprising herself by idly watching the football game on the tv to pass the time.

At forty-five minutes, her back ached from sitting on the backless stool as she began cursing herself for even coming. 

Looking at the unusual clock on the wall, shaped as a novelty beer bottle, She counted down the seconds to 8:30.

Frowning as the longer hand hit the 6 mark, Feyre rummaged in her bag for her wallet, the collection of glasses already cleaned up by a staff member. Fishing out a note, she handed it over to the bartender. Grateful for the cheap price of the sugary drink, Feyre didn't chide herself for spending too much money. Slumping her shoulders, she couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that spread throughout her.  

this was such a stupid, futile thing to do, she told herself.

The worker accepting her cash give her a sad smile, telling Feyre that from her perspective, it looked like she’d been stood up. Not wanting to feel the weight of her pitying look longer than she had to, Feyre went to make her leave.

However, before her feet hit the floor, she stilled at the sound of a low rumble from behind her.

His voice. 

“There you are, I’ve been looking for you ”

[nityarawal]

Scotty-

Sorry call dropped. Phone died. You still haven't sent solar charger or gotten my kids & assets.

No rape or murder warrants as of yesterday. A clerk finally picked up at Sandiego PD but everyone keeps telling me to call my PD. They don't work or return calls and clerks are rude & bitchy- hang up. They know they're in deep shit on murder bribes in probate fraud.

1203 Judge Davis's clerk called yesterday to say not to call again. I understand Judge Kelly Mok and Judge Davis were sanctioned 80% of paychecks. This is wonderful news! Thanking my legal team for support now!(:

We'd actually like to have all rotating judges and courtrooms recalled involved in foul play on my case in 6 years. Scotty feels bad they're losing jobs but I tend to feel worse for Mommies they murdered. Scotty says he doesn't hate his mom after 64 years of government handling. But he hasn't returned to her home to visit his sister yet because the stigma of his father smearing Mrs. Valentine with law enforcement rapes in front of him- has imprinted on his memory. He deals with toxicity- mommy hatred and sodomizing of courts- for they raped him stupid on drugs. We survived it and want to help my kids heal now.

Dr. Bug is still intending to assist with uncoupling via Gwyneth Paltrow "uncoupling" team so no one else is murdered as a probate on my team.

This is a serious issue and likely public defense will close down next week.

Get your friends out of prison.

I called congress & assembly woman at governors office & alerted government Mrs. Jackson- Jones life is under Duress with Covid.

Please transfer her to a civilian hospital. I was promised confirmation of this yesterday. She's a 72 year old Chicagoan black mother of 5 that was kidnapped on holiday by RSO politically racist Sheriff at Desert Train Station.

She's a civil Activist I deeply admire for her health crusader research and teachings on gut health.

Mrs Jackson relies on Urine Therapy but dentist ripped out all her teeth last month and she can barely talk!

Luckily she'd memorized congressman Daughtery's number.

Lady clerk was bitch and didn't understand Mrs. J's health issues- was extremely racist- and even assembly woman's clerk at office said they're not doctors.

No they are not

This is point Chowchilla is mass murdering on petty crime and these mothers and Grandmother's are not allowed any medical services.

They've been in covid quarantine isolation for 4 years barred from their benefits and Healthcare.

This is Riverside County Healthcare IEHP - inland Empire Healthplan- we witnessed them kill for gay mommy haters at Dr's, obyn, therapists & all forensics- except Dr. Adam Cash.

Please close every foul Dr's office that lied to me and sold me on black market.

Your jobs aren't more important than mine. Mothers have most important role in universe.

It's unfortunate so many Dyke Judges & PD's are Sterile.

They also Sterilized Britney with a handler. We want to press charges against Sammy's cop uncle for molesting and grooming Sammy into her probate con.

We'd also like to prosecute Broker Joe Jelly and his pimps for selling Darin David Joye on black market as a child to gay attys.

None of defense sodomising was good for our families, bands (Birds of Olympus died! Best Irish band since Beatles! Because of his handler job on atty cons at PD!)

We've had enough of toxic handlers spin doctoring us!

Dr. Bug just called back and was doubting our rape testimonies.

He was needling, asking if I was molested. He knows I was- by David Farley Kaplan but his intention is to attack Catholics. A neo-nazi handler?

I told him whole US Army raped me. Then he laughed and said, " That's Alot of Dick!"

Actually it was alot of Dykes.

No transvestites don't have dicks.

The US army & Airforce are recruiting for trans nation.

Wake up.

The attys immigrate them- steal from Ukraine & MX- and yes America too.

This is a genocide on woman, mothers and babies.

It needs to stop now.

Dissolve my estate with Dr. Sunil Rawal.

We do not welcome him nor sponsor him in USA and we don't feel our courts should have either.

They've been grossly ignorant of real estate law in name of greed.

They think they work for the buck.

They don't.

They work for me & you- our tax dollars. Every government clerk in California lacks manners and basic civilian business skills favoring organised crime.

Every single one of them needs to be fired. Social services murdered millions in name of #ObamaCare & we don't appreciate @nityacapital plagerising my name in America- as first published and copy righted "Nitya" in USA- they are mass murdering universities in name of mental health crime.

Neo nazis are paying for these Indian elections.

We long for spiritual mothering of India- not commercial rape and extortion globally.

What a disappointing election with a manic Indian like our x on stand.

Please don't vote Indian or for lawyers ever again!

Scotty is calling me off hook.

Look Mrs J will die today if I can't get my work done.

Go call court and do your job if you want any left over attention after 5pm at the end of business day.

I'm at library and don't feel like giving cops any more exciting data to drool over on video.

They're so stupid- we really can't risk talking to them. It's just one mistake after another. We reccomend to release all moms, fire the judges.

PDs don't need to be nervous of how their victims will be released.

We will take care of it.

Send the attys to Princess dorm.

Write me and I'll make sure staff improves their care plan.

Xo

Love,

Nitya Huntley Rawal

Encinitasbeachhome.com

[allthehetalia]

Yandere!Canada Headcanons

This is gonna be a little long so Imma put it under the cut... also because there is a small N$F/W section. A huge massive brain dump because he is one of my favorite Yanderes to write.

Character: APH Canada

TW: yandere behavior, violence, N$F/W content, some drugs mentioned. Basically a Minor DNI post.

Danger zone: 10/10

🍁 I'm gonna premise this by saying that his main yandere traits are: Worship, codependent, and delusion.

🍁Note, he does show traits of obsessive as well.

🍁I will also say that these are ramped up to the MAX. Matthew has been pushed to the back his whole life so when he meets you it's no holds bar, you are his everything even his own god/goddess and church.

🍁 The boy loves hard, and I mean HARD, everything is over the top with him. Reject him, he's a blubbering mess; accept him, he's still a blubbering mess but now nuzzling and laughing. Eventually, you'll crack since there is no calm with a love-sick Matthew.

🍁 With everything at max it's safe to say it's easy to make Matthew snap, even seeing someone look at you in a way that he doesn't like will make him lash out, not at you though. Never at you, it's the offender that's taking a beating, and please remember Alfred is his brother and we all remember his insane strength... now add desperate yandere to it.

🍁 Now life with Matthew can be domestic, fluffy, and seem as normal as a toxic yandere relationship can be. You may even convince him to see a doctor or therapist about his erratic tendencies, leaving out the fact that he's holding you captive.

🍁 Drug TW: He may be prescribed something for it but Matthew will stop taking it, he hates the way it zombies him out. How will he be able to watch after you if he's sitting on the couch zoning out?

🍁 Drug TW: With that, you may be able to talk him into recreational weed, and hey if you smoke it's a win-win situation. He stays calm and in his head, and you get to relax because he's less likely to tip over the deep end.

🍁 Drug TW: High cuddles? High cuddles, I mean his normal cuddles are nice but he does tend to hold you too tight and smother you but when he's on cloud nine and loose they're the best. It is the right amount of comforting and warmth, you two may even dose off due to it.

🍁 Okay now that's over let's talk about living with him. It's not bad since once you're either talked into moving in, which is a best-case scenario, or kidnapped he has less of a reason to burn a whole town looking for you so fewer casualties.

🍁 After a while there becomes a comforting lul to your routine, Matthew leaves to do country business and you stay home reciting the rules to him as he hurries out the door a hot cup of coffee in hand.

Don't leave the house, the furthest you go is the mailbox. Don't answer the door, especially if it's Alfred. Don't hurt yourself while he's away. Don't answer the phone. Don't try any funny business.

🍁 It becomes very black and white, same thing different day. He does do something special on your birthday like planning a movie night and ordering pizza, he of course gets the door. Can't have the pizza guy's wandering eyes on you.

🍁 I hope you like hoodies too because you suddenly have accumulated a lot of them thanks to Matthew not wearing anything but hoodies outside of work. I hope you're ready for grey sweatpants season too he owns tons of them.

NSFW TW HERE ON OUT

🍁 Unlike some yanderes Matthew does not want to force himself on you, remember you are his everything from the air he breathes to his own personal church (TAKE ME TO CHURCH, I'll show myself out now), doing something so heinous to you would be the last thing on his mind.

🍁 He waits for you to come around, knowing that the move, if you can call it that, was a lot it probably killed your mojo. He'll settle with cuddles and kisses until you start to show signs of wanting him too. With you, by his side, he can play the waiting game.

🍁 Of course body worship is on the table, he loves praising you telling you how much he loves you and how beautiful you are inside and out.

🍁 Pillow talk > dirty talk. He'll gladly take it if you're a dirty talker, yo that's kind of hot, but he prefers the sweet nothings and sweet compliments. France really did rub off on him huh?

🍁 Now if you turn the tables and praise him it's automatic NUT. Call him a good boy and he's putty in your hands.

🍁 He's definitely a switch with more service top energy but if you prefer to be the dominant one he's a-okay with that. Just praise him dammit.

🍁 Lowkey has a stuffing kink, loves to see the belly pouch out after you eat, and seeing the pain on your face after he feeds you more than what your poor tummy can take.

🍁 He's not the best at oral, he's a little too shy, but he tries for you and he's getting better every time he tries. Now take his hair in your fist and guide him while you praise him and that's when the real fun starts.

🍁 Will go nuts if you go down on him, doesn't know what to do with his hands but they'll soon find purchase in scratching your scalp as he lets you know how good you're doing.

🍁 His pace is mid-range and kind of sloppy, he sometimes pulls out too far and slips out but that's all the fun right?

🍁 He's not very experienced, he tried to save himself for you so if you know what you're doing it's best to show him and learn with him.

🍁 Damn does he know how to do aftercare though, he'll run you a bath with some essential oils, get you water, cuddle you, just say the word and he's at your beck and call.

[wtfevenismypage]

Maroon

request: Hey, could you do a Spence request where you're all at Rossi's mansion for the weekend for poker, pasta and cigars. Spence is getting Rossi's place ready with him, and the guys and won't shut up about how much he fancies you, and the guys all encourage him to tell you and you're at Emily's with the girls getting in the car for the weekend. They know how you feel about him, and how he feels about you. One evening, you're all super drunk and Spence blurts out his feelings for you. 🥰💕🥰

Warnings:Strong language, Pure fluffieness

A/N: This idea was absolutely adorable! I had a lot of fun writing it down!

Spencer wasn’t exactly subtle about his feelings towards you, anytime you were around, all he could focus on was you, the way your nose scrunched up when you laughed, the face of euphoria you made when you eat McDonald's after a long day, the frustration that exuded when you had a disagreement with Hotch (you’re the only one with the balls to argue with him) but he ended up ordering you to give up.

The only person on the team who didn’t know about Spencer’s love for you, was, well, you. You were too busy trying to keep your eyes off of him to notice his endearment for you. You had the same issue Spencer had, only you noticed how he tended to dart his tongue over his lips when he got nervous, or when he smiled at the sight of Henrey or Jack, the way he stuttered when he rambled around you, or the passion in his eyes when he talked about his mom.

Spencer didn’t exactly appreciate when the other members of the team teased him about his love for you, so when he got trapped with the men, getting ready for a party at Rossi’s mansion he tried to keep silent as to not drag attention to himself.

It didn’t work.

“I wonder if Y/N will wear a dress or a suit?”

Morgan spoke out, smirking at how Spencer’s cheeks turned bright red at just the mention of your name alone. 

“I think she’ll wear a dress, you know she loves them, even if she wears suits to work. what do you think Reid?”

Rossi asked, all eyes turned to a blushing Spencer who was making fruit punch. He was avoiding eye contact, stuck at the thought of you in a dress, or a floral suit you would wear to a bar, either way you were stunning to him.

“She’ll wear a suit, she’s more comfortable in them, a dress makes her feel too fancy, she admires the idea of wearing dresses, but she doesn’t wear them because she doesn’t want people to view her as too feminine for being an agent. So she’ll wear a suit, most likely a black coat with a floral dress shirt and floral pants.”

He didn’t even notice the wide smile on his face that slowly spread as he spoke about you. He was lost in thought until Morgan and Hotch’s laughs brought hime back to the present.

“Dude, you are whipped for her.”

Spencer’s brows furrowed, stammering as his voice goes up five octaves.

“Shut up Morgan! I’m not!”

“You are! You’ve been staring at her for years! Every time she’s in the same room as you you just stare like a lovesick maniac! I mean come on man! You gotta tell her!”

“Reid, do you love Y/N?”

Spencer doesn’t even know how to answer Hotch’s question. Did he love you? He knew he liked you at least, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to admit he was in love again. He hadn’t said it since Maeve... However, just by thinking of you again, he was sure.

“I do...”

--At Emily’s apartment (the girls)--

“I do! I love it so much! Thank you Penelope!”

Penelope had purchased personally designed dresses made for each of the women, yours was a simple, dark maroon silk dress, it ended right above your knees, flowing freely around your cleavage.

“I knew you would like it!”

“It kind of reminds me of that red suit that Spencer wore to Rossi’s party at that one bar that one time, remember that?”

The girls look at you confused, No one has ever remembered every outfit Spencer has worn, except for Spencer.

“You seriously don’t remember? C’mon! That was one of his best looks!”

“I beg of you just confess your undying love for him tonight.”

You click your tongue. The girls were more straight-forward with you than how the men were with Spencer, yes they teased you endlessly, but they also begged you to confess your love to him constantly. Sometimes they would even text you on the jet when you were sitting right next to him.

“Can’t. You see, Spencer’s an intelligent man, he would know that I’m lying.”

Groans all around the room. You, unlike Spencer, are great at hiding your feelings for the man as long as the man himself is no where to be seen. However if he was around, you became a rambling mess, Spencer just thought you were embarrassed that everyone was insisting you liked him.

“C’mon Y/N, you may be able to hide it when Dr. Genius isn’t around, but honey oh honey you do not see yourself when he’s around. You get all blushy and flustered and it’s adorable and it’s killing me that you won’t admit it!”

“I’m very sorry for killing you my dearest Penelope, but I can’t. Even if I did like him, which I don’t, I don’t even begin to compare to him in any way. He wouldn’t go for me if I were the last girl on earth.”

Your mood clearly decreased to a sad lump of emotion, your back slumping as you lean against a wall, looking down at your heels. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t stop loving him.

--At Rossi’s mansion (tha bois)--

“Oh my god we finally got him to admit it! You love Y/n Y/L/N!”

The men at Rossi’s mansion (which were somehow finished with getting the party ready) wouldn't stop messing with Young Dr. Reid. The poor man couldn’t even sit down without being teased.

“We finally did it boys! We got him to admit it!”

“Now we need him to tell her!”

That made Spencer’s head shoot up, confess to his friends that he loved you? Sure, why not. Tell you?

Abso-fucking-lutely not. He wasn’t even remotely ready for that. 

“No. No! I’m not doing that! I can’t! Hotch, tell them I can’t!”

Hotch chuckles at the state of the fully grown man, the usually calm doctor had literal tears staining his eyes as he begged Hotch to stop Morgan and Rossi. 

“Okay okay, leave Reid alone. The party hasn’t even started and He’s having a mental breakdown.”

A small ding rings out in the laughter of the men, Rossi pulls his phone out. 

“Looks like the ladies are on their way over, finally, apparently there was a tiny issue so they might be a tiny bit late.”

--In Emily’s car (the ladies)--

“Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I’m ready now...”

“I THINK I”M READY NOW!”

You and the rest of the women aggressively shouted the lyrics to Toxic while on the way to Rossi’s mansion. After your half-assed love confession to your girls, you had a nervous breakdown and broke out in tears for a solid ten minutes. 

Penelope managed to get you up though, lifting your spirits with the power of Britney Spears. 

JJ’s phone rings, and she pulls it up to her ear.

“Hey Hotch! Her outfit color? Why? Yeah it’s maroon, how did you-”

She pulls the phone away from her ear, looking at the rest of the dancing ladies. Y/n and Penelope were screaming random song lyrics while Emily records it, chuckling at the scene unfolding before her. 

You weren’t even drunk yet and you were already excited, poker nights at Rossi’s were the best. He would select one person (occasionally two) to help him cook pasta, and cooking with him was super fun. Music would play in the background, making you drag random team members to the ‘dance floor’ and forcing them to dance with you. 

They did end up enjoying dancing with you however, but they’ll never admit it.

“We’re almost there!”

--Rossi’s mansion (the entire team)--

“Oh boys! The party has arrived!”

Penelope yells out as the four of you walk in, champagne and beer resting in your hands. The others were probably in the kitchen, sat at the island as Rossi gets the ingredients for pasta out.

“We’re in the kitchen!”

You follow the sound of music and laughing Hotch to find three of four male team members sitting down. Spencer was missing. His absence immediately smacks the smile off of your face, looking around blankly for him.

“Where’s Reid?”

Smug, shit-eating smiles spread across everyone’s faces as you set the beer down, grabbing a handful of chips from a bowl and shoveling them down your throat.

“Pretty boy’s upstairs getting dressed. You gonna go join him?”

You fake a gag as a blush crawls up your neck. They didn’t know how much you actually wanted to.

If only I could...

You smirk before sitting down next to Hotch, bringing your hand to his hair and ruffling it around, laughing as he grimaces. 

“Hotch, you should try new hairstyles. The ol’ sweep back look ain’t doing you justice.”

“I’ll wear my hair as I want to thank you very much. Now stop messing with it, as soon as Reid gets down here, he’s announcing who’s helping him cook.”

You giggle and pat the counter excitedly, looking at the ingredients Rossi’s pulling out.

“Those don’t look like ingredients for pasta Rossi...”

He looks up at JJ’s question, smiling with a wink.

“It’s not pasta. tonight we are making a classic Italian pepperoni pizza.”

‘ooooo’s and ‘aaaaaaa’s fill the room. Pizza sounded wonderful, especially considering all of the drinking you planned on doing tonight.

“We’re having pizza instead of pasta?”

Your head turned to the stairs to meet the excited voice of mystery. Your lungs froze as you meet Spencer’s eyes. He was wearing that damned velvet red suit that made you so excited.

It was as if the world had stopped when the two of you saw each other. He was adjusting his hair, but his hands pause when he sees you, he couldn’t stop the smile that spread when he noticed the colors of your outfits matched. It all clicked as to why Hotch and Morgan yelled at him to get back to his apartment to retrieve the suit.

Meanwhile you were struggling to tear your eyes away from him, you didn’t notice the matching velvet pieces, instead you noticed the stars in his eyes, the way he paused at the bottom of the stairs to smile at everyone, the happy smile that reached his starry eyes. 

Neither of you noticed how everyone else snickered, or how they actually pulled their phones out, it wasn’t until Emily was shaking your shoulder and Morgan smacked the back of his head that you two snapped out of it, acting as if nothing happened and simply looked back at Rossi.

“Yep. And my helper will beeeeeeeeee...”

His finger moves around the room rapidly, before landing on you.

“Y/N.”

Groans and clapping fill the room as you walk to the other side of the island, wrapping an arm around Rossi.

“Alright, now the rest of you. Out.”

You say. laughing as they all leave, but you miss the way Spencer’s eyes travel over your body a final time before walking into the room with all the cold drinks.

“Alright,” you start, looking at Rossi with a wide smile, “Let’s get started.”

-

-

-

-

-

almost twenty minutes later you and Rossi were putting the uncooked pizza in the oven, the hooting and laughing of already-drunken FBI agents making you and Rossi laugh.

“Y’know, I’m shocked that Reid decided to drink. He never drinks around us.”

You say, smiling while watching the pizza darken. More accurately, Reid never drank around you in fear that Drunk Spencer would say something dumb. Or worse, that Drunk Spencer would confess his love for you.

“Yeah that is pretty weird.”

Rossi looked at you, you were laughing while watching him, a wide smile on your face as Emily and Spencer dance drunkenly together.

“So, just between you and I,” You turned to meet Rossi’s gaze, watching his shit-eating smirk spread, “How do you feel about the kid?”

You freeze up at the question, letting it bounce around in your brain as you watch Spencer laugh happily. Your heart ached at the sound of his gorgeous laugh. Like, it physically hurt. 

“I love him... Oh god... I’m in love with him Rossi.”

You giggled a giggle of pure fear as you finally admit your love to yourself and to someone else. It felt scary, it felt so real all of the sudden. 

“You finally admit it huh? Well, you should go after him before some other girl who isn’t nearly as brilliant as you sweeps him up.”

You laugh and shake your head, doubt swimming in your brain.

“Nah. There’s no way he would go for someone like me. He has three P.h.D’s and is literally a genius. meanwhile I can barely remember what I ate last night. It won’t happen.”

Rossi sighs. How dense could the two of you be? You two were in love with each other, yet you were so fucking blind.

Meanwhile in the other room, everyone was trying to get Reid to confess his love to you. He was like a drunken puppy that tried his best to listen to commands, but just couldn’t.

“Just go up to her and tell her you love her! I’ll steal her away if you don’t.”

That was Emily. 

“Nooooooo! Don’t touch her! I love heeeeeeer!”

Spencer cried out from the floor. He was laid out like a starfish with an empty beer can in his hands. He didn’t know why he started drinking, but once he started, he couldn’t stop.

“Then gooooo!”

Spencer stood reluctantly, groaning as they all pushed him towards the kitchen.

You and Rossi watched in shock as Spencer ran into the kitchen, breaking out into tears when he met your eyes.

“Woah woah woah... What’s wrong Spencer?”

You ask, mama mode taking over at the sight of his tears. However you really weren’t expecting what happened next.

“Y/N!”

He yelled out before running into you, falling onto his knees before you while clutching your lower back and resting his head on your tummy.

“Wha-”

“I looooooooove you! ‘m in looooooooooooove with you!”

You froze up, not noticing how everyone was recording this from the couch, Rossi clamping a hand on your shoulder. You just kept petting his hair as he sobbed against your stomach.

“Hey, Spencer, bud, why don’t you stand up and tell her properly?”

He listens to Rossi’s advice, standing on his feet and grabbing your face in his hands before leaning in.

“What-”

He cuts you off with his lips, melding the two of you together as everyone cheers and claps. You were momentarily frozen, but you quickly kissed him back. You were eager to take whatever love you could get from him, even if he doesn’t remember in the morning. 

When he pulls away, you simply stare in shock as he tries to pull you away from the kitchen, your gaze flashes over to Rossi, who simply ushers you off with the young genius.

“C’mon! We gotta get out of here!”

You giggled and laughed the entire train ride back to Spencer’s apartment, cuddling in his bed the entire night.

You weren’t sure what was going to happen in the morning, you only knew that you were spending tonight in his arms.

“Hey Spencer?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

He smiles against your skin, pulling you closer against his bare chest. He was warm against your semi-cold skin, making you smile into his neck. 

You really didn’t want this moment to end ever.

[girlmeetsliv3]

Violent Delights: One

Violent Delights

(In collaboration with @jooniescupcakes​)

Genre: Horror, Suspense, & Psychological Thriller

Pairings: Gang!Jimin x reader ; BTS x Reader

Sypnosis:“These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.”

Release Date: Sept 29, 2020 @ 8 p.m. (GMT-4)

Word Count: 9.2k

Author's Note: It's finally here! Almost a year in the works, but Violent Delights The Series is finally kicking off. Thank you for all the love, support, as well as critiques the one-shot received. I hope this re-telling can both capture and surpass the twisted charm of the original. I would like to thank Min (@jooniescupcakes) for helping me outline and plot the story and for contributing. I greatly appreciate it. This story will be darker, gore-y, and a lot more twisted than the original. So strap in & happy early Halloween! Trigger Warning: This story contains subject matter not appropriate for all ages. This story contains mental illness, emotional, physical, and mental abuse; as well as abuse of power, manipulation, and toxic relationships. All of which play a big part in this story. It is never my intention to sensationalize or spread misinformation about mental disorders, please take the "medicine" used in this story with a grain of salt. Links to helplines can be found in the navigation of my blog. Lastly, this is a work of fiction and does not portray the character of Bangtan Sonyeondan.

The door slammed shut harshly as Hanbin rushed to bolt it locked, by his side, he tugged an inconsolable YN through the small house. There was very little time until she arrived. He maneuvered his way through the piles of old dirty clothes, the children had long become accustomed to the stench coming from the kitchen, the dust, and grime that covered their home. It’s why no one came over. Not that anyone was allowed over. In the center of the room framed on the wall shined a family portrait mockingly. Hanbin was short for his age, just eight years old, but it allowed him to navigate through small openings and hide in tight spaces. It was a survival tactic.

“Shh, YN. You need to calm down. She’ll be here soon.”

“i-I wuh-wanted to help, Binnie. She was hurt -”

Hanbin pulled on his sister a little too harshly trying to draw her attention, it caused her lower lip to quiver as she tried to hold the tears back. That wouldn’t do she didn’t like it when they cried. “Helping people only gets you into trouble.” Outside, the slamming of a car door could be heard. Quickly Hanbin located the small broom closet and helped YN inside. The jiggling of the doorknob was barely above a whisper, but it rang as loud as the fire alarm in the children’s heads. YN began to hyperventilate knowing what was coming even if she didn’t truly understand why. 

“It’s okay,” Hanbin rubs her cheek affectionately. “Just stay inside, be quiet, and don’t try to help.” Just like that he closed the door and locked it. He silently hoped YN hadn’t skipped lunch that day. YN cowered under the old headboards, her only company the dusty cleaning products and cobwebs, the second the screaming started she covered her ears and closed her eyes.

“Miss YN?” The nurse’s bright pink scrubs served as a strong contrast to the muted tones of the rest of the building. YN cast a glance around she was likely the youngest person there, but everyone around her shared a similar air of ennui that YN had long grown to associate with doctor’s offices. Slowly she stood up following the nurse as she guided her through what appeared to be an endless labyrinth of doors. After stopping abruptly the nurse turns around and smiles though it’s evidently rehearsed. “Don’t be nervous, Dr. Kang is one of the best doctors here.” How many times hadn’t she heard that before? YN offers the nurse a smile making sure it is wide enough to crinkle the corners of her eyes. That seems to suffice the woman enough for her to finally knock on the door.

Dr. Kang Daniel was certainly young for his profession, but that provided some relief for YN. It would be nice not to spend almost an hour with someone that looked to have been around when Freud was. “Please take a seat.” He gestures over to a chair in front of the desk and YN notices there is little decoration around the room. It’s also missing a clock, but thankfully she sees Kang is wearing one. YN notes the time: 5:36 pm. Forty-three more minutes to go. 

“I apologize that we’re going to have to go through all of this, but its procedure.” He lightly shakes the file in his hand. Most doctors operated digitally now, so that stood out.

“It’s fine.”

“Let’s get to it then. Why are you here YN?”

They went over the usual things and YN was quickly growing a bit bored, her eyes danced around the room as she did find it very strange that it seemed so vacant for a personal office. “Bored?” Her eyes snapped back to his, Kang wearing an unreadable expression. “I apologize for the lack of decor. I recently moved offices, so this will be my last day here.” YN frowned, “I thought I was to be your new patient.” Kang nods, “Yes, but our sessions will be held in my consultation. It’s closer to downtown so you might save yourself the trip.” How does he know I live closer to downtown? Perhaps seeing the further furrowing of her brow Kang speaks once more. “Unless you live far from downtown?” YN shakes her head feeling the tension leave her body just a bit.

Slowly he closes the file and leans forward, resting on his elbows. “I know this isn’t the most comfortable environment. I also know how jarring transfers can be and that they can halt any sort of process…” YN zones out of the conversation having heard it a thousand times since she was eleven years old. The rambling tends to have the same conclusion every single time.

‘I want us to be friends.’

“I want us to be friends or something similar. I know there are some barriers and guidelines in our relationship, but don’t think they aren’t malleable. I’m here if you need me.” 

YN mulls over what might serve as an appropriate response, aware that taking too long might ruin the pseudo-friendly atmosphere and she doesn’t want to have any more problems with psychiatrists. “Thank you, Dr. Kang. I’m sorry I’m just a bit nervous.” The sheepish smile that follows afterward is enough to convince Kang. Perhaps he isn’t a bad man but YN has encountered his type far too often: those striving to make a difference. Always trying to make things better. Always trying to help. 

“No one will help us, YN. No one cares about us.”

“So let’s move onto your family YN -”

“Actually I wanted to ask you about my medication.” Kang seemed surprised at her interruption but encouraged her to continue. “Dr. Lee only gave me enough medication to last the transfer, so I’m almost out.”

“That won’t be a problem. I’ll be taking you off the medication for a short time anyway.” What? Kang’s attention was now on his computer, not bothering to look at YN in the eye. “I need to run some tests and in order to do that your system has to be clean.” 

YN hadn’t been off her medication for a long time. Sure the dosage varied depending on the treatment, but going completely off was unheard of. Especially so soon. “Don’t worry,” Kang smiled. “There shouldn’t be any potential side effects and if there is I’ll give you my private number. In case of emergencies.” What was supposed to be a soothing smile only unnerved YN even more. YN nodded once more though she felt her anxiety begin to swell up in her stomach. Her heart rate speeding up, but YN knew a panic attack wouldn’t do her any favors. It would make her look like an addict and they would lock her up for sure. It’s only a matter of time. Now that the issue had been cleared Kang cleared his throat, “Now what I was saying about your family -” 

YN stood up abruptly thankful the minute hand had finally landed one above the four. “It’s 6:19 our time is up.” She gestures towards his wristwatch and an annoyed look masks his face before it went just as quickly as it came. “It appears so.” His hand covers the watch in a motion that could hardly be described as casual. Kang waves her off, “It was a pleasure meeting you, YN. I’ll schedule the tests for Friday and I’ll see you Wednesday.”

“In other news….updates...gang violence…”

YN wandered through the aisles looking for inspiration or something to satisfy her cravings. In her hand lay open her phone just so she wouldn’t have to keep making eye contact with the older woman behind the cash register. The employee peered at her as if YN was one of the dangerous criminals the news anchors droned on about.  YN keeps looking over the message her social worker sent her: you have to be there at least a month before I could put in a transfer request. When YN bent down to read the label, she felt the woman lean over the counter. YN rolled her eyes and picked up the packaged bulgogi before grabbing a sports drink and a small fruit salad.

Once she saw YN was an actual paying customer, not a shoplifter, the woman’s expression changed. Her smile far too gleeful for this time of night. “Will that be all, dear?” Her voice too high to be sincere. Nonetheless, YN nods and forces a polite smile on her face. Even wishes the woman a safe night for extra measure. Before YN could walk out of the store, the woman responds with her own form of goodnight. “I would be careful walking home tonight. There’s been a lot of crime recently.”

 It is a bit cruel that the second YN exits the store and turns a corner someone begins to follow her. She becomes aware of it instantly, her senses having been trained from a young age to pick up on the small imperceptible changes. Instinct was not to be ignored. The wind became thicker and the streets a little too quiet. YN wouldn’t look up, but if she did, surely there would be storm clouds looming. Don’t acknowledge him. Just keep walking. People like that enjoyed prey. The game. No one wanted to face off against a predator being one. Unless this was a different kind of predator then YN really ought to call the police. For once she was thankful for the pocketknife stored in the inner pocket of her jacket but disappointed that her pepper spray remained stashed in her bag.

Her groceries hung heavy on her arm, but YN was too far from home to attempt to sprint. So she would have to wait it out, YN could take a few punches. Surely whoever it was would become tired after following her for too long. By the time YN had walked ten blocks, she realized that was not the case. The person was still behind her, though there wasn’t much that she could tell much about the person. They were likely taller and considering their persistence they were a threat.

YN could pick up distantly on the booming bass that likely came from one of the many clubs scattered downtown. It meant she was near her house, that she could likely get home. The houses looked familiar she was probably not too far from home. Hope began to swell in her chest until another idea dawned on her. That’s exactly what they want. If the person had followed her this far they wanted to see where she lived. Abruptly YN turned left towards the direction of the main street, she was likely in a back alley of some sort but the bass only got louder so that helped propel her forward.

Towards the center of the alley, YN saw three figures huddled over on the ground. She was too far off to hear what they were saying, but based on their movements it seemed mocking in nature. YN wasn’t able to decipher what was occurring until it was far too late. A man is wriggling on the ground while bleeding profusely from the side of his head while two men stand above him. Blood is spattered on both walls and their clothes are covered in it. There no longer was a presence behind her the real danger now lay in front. In the form of a tall raven-haired man and a slightly shorter blonde - the latter of which YN made eye contact with.

YN bolts down the alleyway in the opposite direction aware that the blonde is hot on her tails. As she rounds a corner she feels him catching up to her right on her before he abruptly slows down. He doesn’t want the chase to end.

56...57...58…

YN counts the streets aware she’s nearing her apartment but isn’t about to lead him straight to her doorstep. In her peripheral, she sees one of the neighboring buildings which contains a doorman stationed there twenty-four hours. YN uses the last bit of her strength to push through the glass doors tumbling at the steps, but the doorman is there to catch her. “Miss, is everything alright?” YN turns around to catch a glimpse, but there’s no one behind her. Though she does note something disappointing: her groceries are gone.

When YN unlocked her apartment door she felt this immediate wave of tranquility hit her. It had taken a while to convince the doorman not to contact the police, she didn't want to be in bigger trouble, but the man had finally agreed after stating he would walk her back home. Once in the lobby, she took the stairs just to be safe. Quickly, she turned around securing all three locks, and headed straight for the bathroom. YN never understood the sentiment behind showers helping unwind, then again she never spent enough time under the water to allow for that. Baths weren't a treat - they were a utility. Like most utilities YN didn't have a lot of available growing up, so she learned to adapt.

Still, it was long enough to let her mind wander to everything that had occurred today. YN wasn't quite sure about how she felt about Dr. Kang, he unnerved her in a way other doctor's hadn't before. Then there was the issue regarding her medication: YN hadn't been unmedicated since she was eleven and that was a time she didn't want to go back to. Then there was the person that may have followed her and the man that definitely did. My head hurts. She rinsed herself and shut the water off, drying herself quickly with her towel. The chase had been real, too real, everything in YN's body had reacted instinctively once she met his eyes. Those dark eyes that had pierced into hers. The blonde man wasn't just chasing YN - he was hunting her down.

But what about the other person? YN hadn’t seen them, but she had felt them trailing after her. However, why would someone do that and especially for so long? The blonde man had only really tracked YN down for two blocks, but even then it felt shorter. The other person simply observed her. Didn’t do anything. Was there even someone there? YN glanced up, catching her reflection in the foggy mirror. The mist had dispersed in some sections, but not others so the only thing she could see were parts of her face. Faltering in her step, she walked forward and pulled the mirror open. Grabbing the white-labeled bottle with her name printed on it.

Habin sits atop the bathroom sink balancing himself. One of his hands gripping tightly to the side to not slip. This has to be done quickly before she gets back from the store. YN holds his legs or attempts to, while Habin finally manages to grab the bottle. “Is it this one?” He sticks his hand out for YN to see. The young girl squints her eyes, “Are they blue and little?” Hanbin looks through the orange tint of the bottle before nodding. “I think so.”

“Do they smell like fruits?”

“I can’t open the bottle YN. I don’t know if they smell like fruit.”

YN nods and Habin notes how hollowed out her face has become. Once round and plump, full of life, now looks as frail as his. “I think those are the ones.” Habin closes the medicine cabinet and cautiously jumps off, the medicine bottle still tight in his hands. “Why does she give them to you?” YN can note the confusion in her brother’s face, she was confused before too. “She says I need them to go to sleep. They help me sleep.” Habin stays quiet before in the blink of an eye he throws the pill bottle against the wall, breaking the seal causing all the pills to spill all over the floor.

“Bin why did you do that?! I need -”

“No! You don’t need anything YN. You aren’t sick, she's just lying to you!” Habin screamed in frustration. He could see the tears starting to well up in YN’s eyes and he felt regret pool in his stomach. “Please YN. You aren’t sick. We aren’t sick. Okay?”

YN took a deep breath, the way her brother had shown her would help stop the tears, the inside of her cheek was bitten harshly until her throat cleared up. “Okay.”

YN looks at the white bottle in her hand considering taking the medicine despite what Kang said. It would just be one more. Just to calm her down. To make sure that what happened tonight wasn't a side effect of going off so quickly. Her hand twisted the bottle cap, but instead of grabbing one and placing it in her mouth, she headed towards the toilet flushing them all away. Though she might not agree with his treatment plans Dr.Kang was a professional and surely knew more than she did. Plus, YN couldn't afford to be transferred again; her social worker might drop her altogether. It’s just until the blood work is completed.

“Unfortunately Miss YN, we won’t be able to conduct any tests until your insurance approves it.”

YN paces around her apartment, phone in hand. “I understand but my doctor ordered it. It’s necessary in order for him to treat me.”

“It appears that the necessary paperwork hasn’t been sent over to the insurance company. At least not enough to justify the exams. You can go through with them, but it will have to be out of pocket.”

YN sighs, running her hand through her hair as the nurse lists off the prices for each exam. A knock disrupts her causing YN to glance at the door questioningly, no one in her building would ever knock on her door. Looking through the peephole, she sees the manager and doesn't know if that makes her relieved or tenser. "I'm sorry can you just give me a minute?" YN speaks to the phone and mutes it, just to be safe. Upon opening the door, a brown bag is shoved in her face.

“Sorry to interrupt dear, some boy left this for you downstairs.”

Just as quickly as he came, the manager leaves. YN quickly shuts the door and locks it, before hanging up the call. The bag looks simple enough though YN hadn’t ordered anything in the past couple of days. Cautiously she opens it and the horror that spreads through her body is instantaneous. In the bag are her groceries from last night, but with minor changes: The red energy drink is now blue, the fruit salad is replaced with regular salad, and instead of bulgogi it is kimchi now. Though it isn’t the food that upsets YN, but rather the pink sticky note placed on top.

To replace everything you lost ;)

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Staying locked inside her apartment for the following days seemed like a smart choice. There was someone out there who knew where she lived. What she looked like. YN was used to being preyed upon, but this was a different game. Not one she was accustomed to. There were enough faded white lines and healed over bones to evidence that she was a survivor. That time and time again YN had faced against monsters and gotten out alive. The thing that terrified her about this monster - was how different he was. She kept waiting for the tall blonde man to show up one night: looming over her whilst she slept, crouching in a dark corner of the room. Lurking behind the shower curtain.

YN wasn’t able to sleep, didn’t bathe, and had thrice rearranged the room so there was no furniture to hide behind. Her paranoia was through the roof and it didn’t help that it had been the first time YN was off her medication for an extended amount of time. Which was bound to be causing more problems than she was aware of, or would like to acknowledge. The cycle continued until on her fourth day, sick of the grime, YN picked up the phone and dialed Dr.Kang’s office. Hoping to resolve the issue and be back on medication as soon as possible.

“Unfortunately, Dr. Kang isn’t in the office today. However, I can schedule a house call”

She hung up, not even bothering to respond to the secretary on the other line. If YN would have allowed herself a moment to feel anything except for fear - sympathy would've been felt for the probably nice young woman she had just hung up on. Maybe I can just sleep until my next appointment. Sleep it all away. So YN crawled into her bed, the covers lie somewhere on the floor. Exhaustion taking over as she drifted off to sleep.

It should've been easier to tell her childhood room apart from all the ones she had before. It had the most personality; if stickers on the wall, old pencil marks, and deteriorating plaster counted. Most of them hadn't even been done by her, but rather Habin in time before her. It created a sense of normalcy in YN's life that didn't exist elsewhere. Of course, her safe haven didn't last long, the hole in the wall right near the bed frame was proof enough. YN couldn't remember the last time she had dreamt, the medication helped with the nightmares, now she stood curled in a ball in the center of the room. The way she would always get once she heard the heavy footsteps approach the hallway.

YN had long learned to tell the different patter of the weathered old sneakers. Heavy stomps that scraped against the wood meant she was going to be screamed at. Rhythmic ones that were heavier on the heel, than the toes meant they might get dinner. While footsteps that dragged meant YN would be getting ignored. It was the ones she didn't hear. When the hallway was so quiet that all YN could hear was the sound of her breathing and the fear rushing through her tiny body - those were the steps she feared. Those were typically followed by the gentle, yet suspenseful pushing of her bedroom door. It didn't have a knob. There was no escape.

YN expected to peer up and see the tall large figure that always tormented her. The thick thighs, rounded hips, a bulbous stomach that spoke of all the meals she'd had - all the ones her children hadn't - and her face. It was much like YN's though much more feminine, older, and eyes devoid of life. It had always stood out to YN when she was a child, though she was certain that if she were to look in a mirror now YN would be the spitting image of her mother. Instead of her birth giver stood a man.

His face was angular, rounded cheeks, and sharp eyes highlighted by thick brows. His lips appeared full as if they were meant for bright large smiles, but it was obvious from the man’s expression he rarely did. There was something strangely familiar about him. An amalgamation of someone she knew and her own imagination, filling in the blank spaces. He looked like her, yet not at all. Tears welled in her eyes, “Bin?” Then he morphed. Now slightly taller, more weight to his frame. A rounded face with hooded eyes, the corner of his lips were tilted upwards in a way that was full of mirth. Dr. Kang faded as quickly as he came.

Now all she saw was a silhouette. Despite being mostly obscured, she could at least tell it was a man. He was lean yet muscular. His body was sharply defined in a way that seemed deliberate. Facial features were obscured, but YN was certain he was glaring at her in a way that caused goosebumps to rise all over her body. Plump pink lips parted moving slowly, tauntingly, but no sound exited them. Only by the smirk formed afterward could she tell their salacious nature. He stepped forward drawing closer to her, but the way he moved was inhumane. It wasn't a walk. But a predator's crawl towards her. Now he was finally in the light, entirely visible but all YN could focus on was the blonde mop of hair atop his head. When he pounced, she screamed.

YN awoke covered in sweat, her hair matted against her forehead and neck. She could still taste the saltiness of her tears and when she finally managed to breathe a sob tore out. Get out! Get out! Get out! If she remained locked inside her apartment for one more second, YN was going to reach her breaking point. Quickly she hopped in the shower before throwing on the first thing she saw and grabbing her wallet. YN didn’t know where she was headed, but her body acted on its own. Locking the apartment door before racing towards the stairs, dashing down all seven floors with little care if she tripped. Perhaps a silent part of her wished she did, it would put her out of her misery.

The lobby of her apartment building, if it could even be called that, was always empty. Never a soul in sight to guard the door, even though YN was sure part of her rent went towards security. Not to mention the intercom system, which allowed people to be buzzed in, hadn't worked for several weeks. It was something she was always acutely aware of but pushed towards the back of her mind. Wouldn't do her any favors to obsess over something she had no control over. Now walking through the desolate lobby out into the night - it was all she could think about. He was all she could think about.

YN took a deep breath and opened the glass doors sneakily peeking towards the sides and being thankful when she noted nothing great. Now where to? She wouldn't go very far nor somewhere unknown. It was reckless to be out so late and would be a death wish to try and enter city life. Gang violence was on the rise and YN didn't fancy herself prepared to face off against someone. So, YN went to the one place that felt familiar no matter what. The convenience store was a fifteen-minute walk, but she took the bus. The original plan was to sit towards the back, where she could see everything, but it wasn't empty. An elderly woman, far too frail-looking to be out this late, sat in the center. Whilst three boys huddled over sat in the back, they must have felt her eyes on them. As one of them - the one in the black beanie - stopped his conversation and turned slightly. Before they could make eye contact YN looked away and sat down.

“Which one do you want?” Habin asked as they stared at the ice cream truck. He had counted the cents twice making sure they had enough. “Hm,” YN eye’s glanced all over the various images glued onto the truck. She already knew what she wanted but had long learned that taking your time was important - not too much though. “Mint choco.” Habin grimaced, disgust evident on his face. “Come on YN. We have to share it. Why can’t we get something I like for a change?” He whined, it was only ice cream but it was the only food Habin was likely to have all day. “Okay, let’s get chocolate then.” YN didn’t really care, she wasn’t planning on eating. Habin had sacrificed enough meals to feed her, an ice cream was the least she could do.

As she steps into the cold building, a small bell chimed to signal her entrance, alerting a young employee near the cashier. 

“Welcome!” The boy smiles, wide and welcoming, handing her a basket,

YN didn’t respond. She walks towards the back, looking for some of her usual snacks, and before long, her basket was filled to the brim with all sorts of colorful foods, and she headed towards the till to pay, grimacing under the weight pulling at her arm. As she pulls out her purse, a soft chime catches her attention, making her glance at the door quickly, before trailing her eyes back. A familiar head of blonde flashes in her mind immediately, and despite herself, she found herself clenching her purse tightly, feeling her palms become clammy with sweat. What were the odds..?

“Is that all?” the cheery voice of the employee breaks her out of her trance as she nods back firmly, unable to push aside the nervous feeling from seeing the person walk in. Quickly weighing the options as she sees him bag all her groceries, she forces the question out before she can stop herself.

“Could you...walk me to the bus station?” Her voice was awkward and tight from keeping quiet most of the day, and she internally winced at the confused expression the other gave her.

“Are you..” he pauses, eyeing her carefully, “is someone trying to hurt you?” 

YN doesn’t know what to say. Could she tell him what she saw? Fortunately, she didn’t have to reply. The boy - Kai, as it said on his tag - seemed to assume her pause was a yes. Excusing himself, he disappears behind the counter, and within a moment, hushed voices coming from there. Something was unnerving about standing there alone with the blonde, chilling her to the bone, knowing she was faced away and he could pounce at any moment. As soon as the terrifying thoughts crept in, Kai stepped back out. He takes her bag and silently leads her out the glass doors, warm, still air hitting her face the minute she left the building. They walk side by side silently, and YN could only count her steps as she got closer and closer to the station.

Her steps quicken when she sees the familiar structure, tall gray pillars, and a few large buses waiting. Kai keeps up with her as well, not bothered by the bag that seemed to drag her down, looking around carefully. 

“Thank you.”

He smiles, what she initially assumed to be his practiced ‘customer service’ smile seemed a little more genuine now. Or maybe he was just very good at it - she wasn’t sure. She takes back the plastic bag, letting herself get used to the additional weight before turning to board the bus. 

“Have a safe trip home!” The boy calls out, making her look back.

YN was expecting to see him with his blinding smile, but something eerier catches her eye. The young employee was standing a few steps away from her, and behind him, dangerously close, was the blonde man from before. Her mouth goes dry as she notices his dark gaze fixated on her hand that held the railing inside, something else in them as he cocked an eyebrow. He almost looked as if he was questioning her, asking what she would do now that he was close, much closer, and positioned to attack the boy. Realizing he must have followed her all the way, she felt her heart rate pick up as she found herself rapidly staring between Kai and the perpetrator, the choices dawning on her. She had to choose to leave Kai behind, or possibly die with him. 

She felt her heart drop at the calm expression on the boy's face, not noticing the danger he was in, she knew he was young, but watching him now, she only just realized how young. He was so young, so innocent, with a whole life ahead of him - but because of some unfortunate circumstance, an unforeseeable future, he would have to throw everything away. 

But if she stayed for him, so would she. She would have to give up everything she had struggled for, while in any circumstance, the blonde would kill Kai, regardless of whether she chose to stay or not. However, she could spare her own life. She couldn’t convince Kai to get on with her without alarming the man, but she could save her own life. After everything she had gone through, trouble was the last thing YN needed. Even if it meant someone else had to suffer alone, she had to stay safe. She found herself holding back hot tears as she quickly ducked into a lonely seat, refusing to look back, still clenching the cheap plastic in one hand and forcing herself not to look back as the tears freely slid down her cheeks. 

‘Helping people only gets you into trouble. You do whatever it takes to survive.’

           “They tell me you’ve missed the appointment I had set up.”

           YN is noticeably tense as she sits in the blue velvet mid-century, her nails digging into the denim fabric of her jeans. “The insurance wasn’t notified,” her tone was clipped. Lower with a slight tremble to it as if it were about to break, but never really did. “I also needed a referral.” Dr. Kang frowned, glancing back down at the file before looking at YN questioningly. “That’s strange. I told my secretary to handle all the paperwork. I even told Joy to hand you the referral.” Seeing the confused expression on his patient’s face, he shrugged. “My apologies, Joy must have forgotten.” The smile he shoots her is sincere, or at least looks so, YN has no reason to doubt him any further on this matter.

Her posture slackens somewhat but given everything that has happened these past few days she finds it difficult to truly relax. YN feels that she is tethering at the edge of a breakdown, but that if she were to fall it would only make her circumstances worsen. There is something that has been bothering her though, how pacified everything has been as of late. The blonde man knew where she lived, he'd likely overheard her name as well, yet nothing had happened. Even Kang, with his cold calculating eyes, had not commented on her odd behavior the last session or how worse she had seemed to get after only being off her medication for a week. Why can’t I figure them out?

           “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to assign you any new medication until I have the results from the bloodwork. However, I do want to know how you’ve been feeling lately.” Kang crossed his legs, leaning forward in his seat. “Have you been experiencing any side effects or withdrawals? Anything I should know about?”

There was a glint in his eyes as he spoke, one that warned YN that he may know more than he lets on. As if the man sitting in front of her was single-handedly responsible for everything that had occurred to her recently. "Normal things…" I am being stalked by a homicidal maniac. “Migraines, low blood pressure…” I keep having vivid flashbacks that only serve to increase my paranoia. “Sometimes I dissociate a bit.” Most importantly, doctor, I had a nightmare where you were about to kill me. “And trouble sleeping.” YN looked towards the ceiling, feigning as if she were in deep thought. “I think that’s it.”

Kang Daniel looked affronted as if she had not given a sufficient enough answer. Hadn't given him the answers he wanted. "I see." His eyes darted towards her hands, which had been tightly intertwined on her lap - immediately she relaxes them. When their eyes meet once more she levels with him. YN knows there is no point in engaging with Kang, that is exactly what he wants. To pry. Dig deep. Learn of all her secrets and who knows what else. He won’t win. I’m safe here. YN had suffered too great a loss yesterday, she was determined to win this game.

           “I had time to go over your file YN. There’s a lot to discuss, but I would prefer to dive right in if you don’t mind.”

           “I-”

           “Very well,” She’d upset him. YN wasn’t even truly aware of what she’d specifically done, but it seemed to matter very little. “It states here you’ve been diagnosed with a personality disorder - at quite a young age too.

           “I was ten.” YN’s voice is muted. Her mind blank.

           “Do you agree with this diagnosis?” YN shrugs, her eyes move down to the file. She knows what he’s going to say next. Or she can at least predict it: it typically doesn’t vary. No matter how many times she goes through the same process the words and intentions are the same. It isn’t sincere sentiments, but rather rehearsed lies spewed to make her feel better - as if she ever could. No, YN is broken. No fixing her up.

           “I don’t. I think you were misdiagnosed.” YN’s eyes widen as they shoot back up to meet Kang’s. “The main reasoning behind this is because of your apparent lack of empathy, but that isn’t true either is it, YN?” Her mouth felt dry, she struggled to swallow the saliva building up. There was a build-up of breath in her lungs which was starting to become painful and she felt her throat tighten. “It’s a survival tactic. An effective one at that - if I may be honest.” So many thoughts were rushing to the forefront of YN’s head. So many memories. Stop. She wanted to scream. Please stop! She felt like she was going to throw up. Kang bent over, his face so close to YN's that she could see how dilated his pupil was: only leaving a sliver of his iris shines through.

Why is he doing this?!

“You feel something YN. It’s okay to feel things. You aren’t with your mother anymore anymore. You aren’t with your brother anymore. You’re safe and I know the next time something happens you’ll do the right thing.”

YN’s eyes were red, brimming with unshed tears as Kang’s words bounced around her head. “Dr. Kang -” She chokes, a sob threatening to escape, but the man doesn’t allow her to finish. “Our time is up. Pick up your referral at Joy’s desk. I will see you on our next appointment.” The smile given is full of sadistic glee.

YN didn’t know how long she had spent wandering around the city. Last she knew she had passed the bus stop and convenience store from last night. If she were smart YN would’ve gone back to her apartment. She didn’t want to though, not trusting herself to be alone. It had been mid-afternoon when she had left Kang’s office. Now it was pitch black with only a few people walking down the streets and cars passing by. Her phone was tucked away in her bag, YN couldn’t muster up enough energy to reach for it to know her location. The tears she shed had long ago dried, though their evidence remained clear to see on her face due to the streak marks and reddened nose.

Several voices were speaking to her, memories, all pulling her in different directions. One by one, YN blocked them out until only three remained. Her brother’s: “You’re not sick.” Dr. Kang’s: “You’ll do the right thing.” Lastly, the faintest one of all - hers: "What do I do?" She had muttered it without realizing it. A cry for help that traveled through the wind, searching for an answer or a sign. She would be granted one.

The scream was so loud, it tore straight through the foggy haze that had settled in her mind and YN found herself frozen in place. Glancing upwards, she noted that a few feet away to the left was an alleyway. That was it, wasn’t it? Yet her feet wouldn’t move. Her brother’s voice echoed so loudly that it barely allowed her to breathe much less move. Until, a stronger, much more powerful one broke through - “It’s okay to feel things...I know you’ll do the right thing.” Her feet were moving before YN had even a second to dwell on her decision. The alleyway was, deceptively long, but YN could see several silhouettes just from the entrance. Quickly she dug her hand into her bag and pulled out her phone, dialing emergency services but hovering over the call button. YN didn't even know where exactly she was - nor did she know what was going on either. It wouldn't do well to just rush in, thankfully about ten feet inlay a giant dumpster which YN crouched behind.  

Another scream echoed off the brick walls, a cacophony of laughter followed it. There’s more than one. YN had hoped it was a robbery or something simple, now she realized just how in over her head she may be. You can still walk away YN. Just walk away. Cautiously YN moved to sneak a glance. There was a singular lamp attached to one of the buildings that illuminated most of the alley. The faint light didn't allow her to make out specific features, but it was enough for her to bear witness to the disturbing scene. Seven men were standing all loosely crowded around a young couple: a man and woman whose bodies were severely bruised and beaten. The man's skull was cracked open with blood profusely leaking from the side of his head. Several teeth were scattered on the ground and his hand was tightened around his abdomen which seemed to have been cut as well. The woman beside him had most of her clothing ripped and large bruises on her side, an indicator of broken ribs. Her eyes moved deliriously as she muttered to herself.

YN’s attention lay entirely on the victims until she witnessed a crowbar fly through the air and land on the man’s leg, with a sickening ‘crack’ that had YN feeling nauseous. The man was too out of it to do anything but let out a small howl of pain. Her previous assumption had been right, there were seven men: all standing there with blood-stained clothes and mocking the man. There was something familiar about them, but YN couldn’t pinpoint what. All of them cheered as the man’s now dead body slumped to the side. Her phone had been long forgotten, YN observed everything now with a morbid fascination. Taking advantage of the perpetrator’s lack of attention the woman stood up slowly and bolted, her heels clicking loudly on the pavement and alerting them their prey had gotten away.

None of them moved - they simply observed her and YN watched in shock. Why aren’t they chasing her? Would they actually… By now the woman was only a few feet away from the entrance, she passed by YN and must've caught sight of YN's hunched over the figure for the woman's head snapped towards her. Causing both women to miss the figure dashing in their direction until it was too late. The woman was harshly tackled to the ground, her head bouncing off the pavement in sickening motion. There is a glint of something in his hand before a dagger plunges into the young girl's body multiple times. In a desperate move, she extends her hand reaching out towards YN begging for help but YN remains frozen. Eyes wide and teary as she cowers as close as she can to the wall, shaking her head she begs the woman not to speak. Begs her not to draw the perps attention. Please don’t!

“Please help me.”

The perpetrators head snaps towards YN and she finally sees him. He's tall, lean figure, plump lips, cat eyes, and ruffled blonde hair. The blood splattered across his face revealed the dark truth behind his angelic features. His dark hooded eyes trail across YN's body, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. The blonde man looks like a predator savoring its next meal. Before he can pounce YN takes off running, unfortunately, he captures her with ease. Caging her body against his own, pillowy lips part and it dawns on YN she has never heard him speak before.

“Caught you.”

Just like that their game has come to an end, surely YN’s life will too. The two of them are so enraptured in each other, they don’t notice the figure slowly standing up and grabbing the abandoned knife on the floor. Not until the blonde man’s body sags slightly and YN notices the woman standing behind them. Don’t. She wants to say, furious that the woman wouldn’t have run away - escaped when she had the chance. For YN couldn’t bear another dead body on her subconscious. The blonde man turned around with pure rage steaming off his body, upset that his prey would dare to fight back. His arms gripped her head and with the slightest flick of his wrist, he broke the girl’s neck. When he turned back around to face his prize, he was shocked to find her expressionless staring at the corpse right in front of her.

YN came to a disturbing conclusion: She wouldn’t have died if she hadn’t helped me. As she once again made eye contact with the monster before her, all YN could see was her reflection in his eyes. Hanbin was right.

The man stepped forward and YN stepped back, crashing into the wall. His hands gripped at her sides, nails digging into her flesh harshly. He was formulating a plan, thinking about how best to kill her - YN could see it. It seems the universe had decided to take pity on her, or further condemn her, for just as his eyes were beginning to light up, the rest of the group made their presence known. “Jimin let’s go. The fun’s over.” Jimin? There was something familiar about that name.

“Funs not over yet, boys.” As if she weighed nothing, Jimin grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder. YN struggled against him, aware that if she couldn’t handle one man, there was no way she could survive seven. “I finally found my pet.” What? When Jimin finally put her down, his arms encased her again showing her off to his friends as if she was some shiny new toy, they could look at but not touch. As YN glanced at them she found she recognized some of them, they’re from the bus. At that moment she realized that death had been following YN for a long time and even if she hadn't stepped into the alleyway tonight, their paths would have crossed eventually.  

“Ah, so you’re the girl Jimin’s been obsessed with.” The tall tan one with curly dark hair spoke, his low baritone voice was mocking in nature.

“She’s not that pretty.” muttered another one, with rounded eyes and a tall nose.

“Now, come on kookie. Don’t be mean, she’s a lot prettier than what we’re used to.” The third man’s tone was higher pitched, lips stretched into a heart-shaped smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“What do you think we should do, Namjoon?” spoke the light-haired one dawned in all black. His eyes darting over to the tallest member, his platinum hair shining brightly in the dark alleyway.

When Namjoon spoke it was deliberate and calculated, his eyes boring into YN’s, his words dripping with implication. “We should take this one to go.”

Distantly YN could hear the wailing of sirens rushing towards them before Kookie stepped forward and delivered a right hook to her face, making her lose consciousness.

[sailordiavolo]

suicide prevention month 2021 - things that helped me stay alive

i heard that this month is suicide prevention month in the united states. as someone who’s struggled for many years with suicide myself, and is currently in the mystical “better place”, i feel it’s my duty to open this can of worms. i am unafraid of the stigma that comes with discussing such things.

i’ll go over things that helped me to cope during dark times. these may also apply to being depressed in general (?) because no offense but “drinking water” doesn’t help as much as google seems to think it does. note that these aren’t be all end all solutions, more like techniques that helped me to stay sane on some of my worst days.

1. get rid of everything that’s an immediate danger to your health.

if you’re actively a danger to yourself, safety-proof your home. don’t keep sharp objects lying around, or anything dangerous of the like. get rid of anything toxic or chemical, and don’t keep medicines in excess.

2. if you can’t make yourself happy, try to mildly amuse yourself instead

thinking “happy thoughts” doesn’t really work for me, especially if i’m in the throes of a depressive episode. i do have many things that make me happy, but i seem to forget about all of them in dark times. that being said, really dumb jokes get me every time. if i can make myself laugh, smile or chuckle, i’ve already made it 10 times easier for myself. and if i can do that, usually it’s easy to make myself forget about the original reason i was upset in the first place.

dear reader, i don’t know what would count as “mildly amusing” to you, but here’s some things that work for me.

i have a self care playlist on youtube. mine’s pretty dumb, but making a playlist like that of things that you find entertaining or amusing might help. another amazing one is distantcry’s worst beat ever collection.

very specific songs that really get me going include metrostation’s shake it, botdf’s bewitched, rm’s expensive girl, and she past away’s ruh.

3. do some self care activities

self care is very very important. when you feel like you’re absolute worst, that’s a free pass to be as selfish as you need to be until you feel better. no job, no person, no drama is worth dying over. all of that can wait until after you’re finished what you’re doing. if you’re not really sure what to do as self care activities, i’ll list some suggestions.

take a hot bath, if possible. if you have the resources, add bubbles, flower petals, bathe salts or candles. i did this the other day and sat in the bath and ate crumpets. it was amazing. if not, have a steaming hot shower. (i know it’s hard to find the energy, but it’ll help, i promise)

watch your favourite childhood show, or your favourite show at the moment, or play a video game.

sleep all day, or take the day off.

eat your favourite food, or the best food available to you right now.

spend some money if you have it. personally, i never spend all my money in a week, i save some in case i have a panic attack or something so then i can spend money on something totally random to make myself feel better.

change up your appearance. i usually end up cutting my hair short or randomly dying it, but this can also mean dressing in a way that makes you feel good, painting your nails, or doing your makeup.

4. know how to comfort yourself

this is related to the last one but knowing what brings you comfort is very important. it took me a very long time to figure out what things i find comforting. list the things that you find comforting, and you can use those to help yourself feel better. it might be music, interests, even something abstract.

if you can’t think of anything, then make sure to pay attention to things that make you feel nice/comforted, and list them down. it’s also important to know what will send you over the edge, so you can avoid it.

5. distraction topics

this may help with anxiety as well, but having distraction topics can help you to calm down and forget about what you were worried about. it’s good to have a few distraction topics up your sleeve in case of emergency. i’ll list a few of my favourites, but if you ever need one don’t be afraid to ask me directly, or send me an ask on my blog! i have a ridiculous amount of misc knowledge just floating around.

dinosaur fossils of mothers protecting their nest have been found, meaning that dinosaurs probably felt some form of motherly love. love on earth is billions and billions of years old. creatures have loved each other on this planet since before the dawn of history. imagine being the first organism to love on this planet and what that must’ve been like

some cave paintings were animated. they had different frames painted over each other, and the flickering of a flame in the cave would cause the images to appear as if they were moving. isn’t that extremely profound?

i saw somewhere, that scientists attempted to see what an electron was made out of, or something to that effect. it’s made of a pool of energy, which is essentially nothing. no form, no matter. everything is made out of nothing.

6. romanticise your future

a lot of us probably don’t have a concept of the future, or if we do, it’s something that sounds absolutely horrible. well, forget about that! think instead about how hot n sexy you’ll be in your 30’s, 40’s, etc. don’t worry about how you’ll get there for now, your future self can take care of that. think about your ideal life, and get excited like it’s absolutely going to happen. the more you think about it, the more it will become true.

7. romanticise your current self

nobody in your life understands you? that’s because you’re the hot brooding mysterious one. struggle with very dark thoughts? omg you’d be so powerful as a jujutsu sorcerer. people are staring? it’s because they’re in love with you. people whispering as you go by? also in love with you. no friends? the universe had to keep you humble because otherwise you’d be too perfect. hate the way you look today? you’re just a littel troll babie. the more amusing these thoughts are, the better. and if you think these things for long enough, eventually it will trick your brain into thinking it’s true. who’s gonna check you? the telepaths?

8. put things into perspective

i am prone to delusional thoughts when i’m panicked, and i have to remind myself to reel it in. think about it, you’re more afraid of answering the phone than you are of death? doesn’t sound very cash money of you, bro.

think about how many years you’ve really lived, especially if you think you’ve failed in life. take 12 years off your age, because childhood doesn’t count. also take off any other years which you were forced to live the way someone else wanted you to live, rather than for myself.

for example, i’m currently 23. my household was pretty strict, so i couldn’t really do anything before age 18. which gives me a grand total of 5 years of me trying to figure out life by myself. it helps me to remember how young i actually am in the grand scheme of things, and that i have plenty of time to still figure things out.

9. find a safe outlet for dark urges

for me, art and journaling really helped. music too, especially when i felt like i could relate to either the lyrics, or just the tone/mood/feel of the song. it might be exercise, or you may like to do creative writing or make oc’s. sometimes you may just need a friend or someone to listen.

if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can message me or shoot me an anon

10. sleep it off

sleep is not going to cure anything, but if i’m pushed over the edge and am struggling with dark thoughts, going to sleep almost always helps. most of the time i still feel like shit in the morning, but no longer in the mood to try anything hasty.

lastly: suicide is not the easy way out

note: i’m gonna be discussing my own experiences with suicide in this part, so if you don’t want to see that, then don’t read past this point

suicide is not the easy way out. it’s messy and it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s gonna bring out the worst in people. i’ve been struggling with it since age 19.

one particular attempt landed me in the hospital after i swallowed a bunch of painkillers. i couldn’t think or speak properly, i was slurring my words and tripping over myself. my doctor brushed me off and said that it “would probably get better” with time, but it never did. it improved, but my mind has never been the same as it once was, and one of my biggest insecurities to this day is when i struggle to learn new things or get things mixed up that i shouldn’t. i struggle to learn the simplest of things, and my reaction times tend to be very slow.

the point is, sometimes you don’t die, sometimes you just end up hurting yourself in a way that won’t get better. nobody needs that. if had’ve known how to calm myself down back then, i might not’ve tried.

i don’t mind talking about it now, since i’ve dedicated so much time in learning how to uplift myself. i may be in the “better place” now, but you don’t need to rush yourself to be better immediately. sometimes you need to be patient, use baby steps, or learn to accomodate yourself where you are. these things take time. that’s okay.

and remember, you are loved and very much needed to be here on the planet with us.

[obeymehasinfluncedmythoughts]

Brothers with Mc Who Has PGAD (Pt 1 of ?)

This is going to be different then my other headcanons. I tried doing them like usual, but it didn't sit well with me. This is only like the first two chapters?? Idk how to explain it. It's hard to show the issues with PGAD in a relationship without just rehashing my chronic pain ask. I might be a bit rusty because I'm playing off and on right now, so please forgive if anyone is OOC.

Also, I want to state that this is NOT a representation of everyone who has PGAD. I couldn't possibly fit all the symptoms, feelings, and causes in here without contradicting myself. There are many causes in the female sex though (Deposits built on the clitoris, slipped disc, hormonal imbalances, pregnancy, misfiring signals from the brain/nerve, ext). I have a fucked up nerve somewhere along the line. I'm a rare case of a rare disorder where I was born with it and haven't experienced a day without PGAD. These are only how I expect someone with my exact symptoms would react, and how the brothers would react to that. Also! If you have PGAD, and don't know ways to help out, I'll give you some tips. Just hmu baby 💞.

Warning! Sensitive Content!

Coming to the Devildom is just as you'd expect it to be, it's literal hell.

You're stressed, like, majorly so. You don't have your medications on you, you've been seperated from your phone, and these demons are telling you you'll have to stay in their realm for a year, doctor's visits be damned.

The emotional connection between your pain and your reactions is rising by the second. It's clear on your face, and most probably by the way you dig your nails into the palms of your hands, attempting to draw your attention away from the growing burning sensation.

You don't feel comfortable being set up in a strange house with seven strange demons. They're rowdy and rude and it just sets you on edge to the point that you're very near jumping everytime one of them speaks to you.

They don't speak to you often, thankfully. If you refuse to engage with them, they're fine with keeping their distance. Sometimes you'll hear something from Mammon, your appointed guide, and the blonde seems to enjoy commenting on what books you're reading, but that's about it.

But then you're expected to go to school, five days a week, whilst fulfilling a stupid task list everyday, and all that pressure really weighs on you before it's even begun.

You can't sit down for eight hours, let alone sit on a hard surface in such a toxic that is highschool without being put out of commission for a few days. This will really mess with their whole plan, and you doubt you'll get cut any slack if you don't actually let at least one of the council members in on your condition.

It shouldn't have to be that way. You shouldn't have to justify your state of wellbeing to people you've barely known for two days, but the only way out of here is by playing the game, so you target the eldest brother.

You explain to Lucifer your condition. It's very professional, straight-forward, and he doesn't ask many questions besides the obvious.

The two of you eventually come to a pretty decent arrangement. On the days when you're in too much pain to handle things, you can stay home, and do whatever you can to catch up. It's not exactly the best option, considering you have different teachers online and in person, but it works for the most part.

He does require you to do some studying with the third eldest though. Leviathan, you learn, is a shut-in. Most his schooling is online, and since you're situation tends to make you miss many days of school, Lucifer wants him to help you out.

The two of you don't exactly get along at first. Leviathan is the type to work alone, and he's not the best at explaining. So during the first two days, you kinda flounder from paper to paper, task to task. It's just more stress on your plate. You snap at him when he gets impatient with you, and he'll return the gesture with some mumbled insults.

Eventually the two of you get to a state where you can at least work together without arguing over something small, but he's still a little annoying to you.

Satan kinda steps up here too. He knows Levi isn't really the best at explaining things that aren't dipped in a convoluted storyline, so he tries to help out when he sees you in the library, often searching for information for your assignments.

And Satan is incredibly patient. Even without knowing of your condition, and that's kinda the support you need. Learning with PGAD is hard, because any sort of frustration just puts you in pain. He doesn't get offended if you snap, or if you're a bit stubborn because of this. Something about him recognizes that desperation in your eyes; the want to do things, but he just knows there's something holding you back. He's not sure what, and he doesn't ask out of respect for whatever you must be dealing with (Which is such a breath of fresh air).

Mammon, on the other hand, isn't as graceful in his approach. He doesn't really pick up on your vibes and that proves to be a bit unfortunate when you're having a hard time translating your feelings.

He takes most things you say a little too personal, despite also having a tendency to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

You two get on each other's nerves pretty equally. The stress that results makes being in his presence a bit difficult.

But no one makes your life worse then Asmodeus.

Sure, he's sweet. He probably picks up on the fact that you take baths as often as he does and gives you some fancy soaps/stuffs, but he's a little too touchy.

And a bit too sexual.

You try to distance yourself from him, and it has mixed results depending on how persistent Asmodeus is feeling that day.

The only one who you don't interact with much is Beel, and that's kind of a blessing in disguise. You're hardly a few days into your residency in the Devildom and you're already struggling to keep up with school and the brothers (as well as the voice coming from the attic...but you try to push that and Lucifer's threats to the back of your mind.)

Things only get worse when you make your pact with Mammon. In fact, the only good thing that really comes out of it is that you are able to help out Leviathan. Everything else feels like a shitstorm.

There was the expected teasing. The "Mammon was dumb enough to get played by a human" bit that really got old after the first time and a few offers to make some more pacts from lesser demons at school (which you always turned down). All the attention made your day stressful as fuck. You could hardly think without feeling strongly in some sort of way, and having a stabbing pain zeroing in on your pelvis.

And to your suprise, he can totally feel it.

(Personally I like to believe pacts go a bit deeper then the 'oh I can make you do things'. I feel it should be considered more, given how much power is given to them, and how often it's stated that the guys don't just give them out. If they were just about control, I have no doubt Mammon would have probably used it in a moment of desperation. In fact, it's kinda out of character that he hasn't at least made the mistake ONCE, so I headcanons there is a emotional/physical bond that comes with it.)

It's not completely there. He doesn't get all the pain and strife you do, but there's enough for him to kinda put the pieces together. He's not delicate in approaching you about it, however he thankfully does pull you aside after dinner, saving you the embarrassment of talking about genitals at the dinner table.

You explain to him what exactly PGAD is. That your body is feeling a sexual desire, but you mind isn't. So, instead of being pleasurable, it's painful.

He's not exactly sure what you're saying, but he becomes a lot more protective over you from now on.

[dontshootmespence]

Teetering on the Edge

Summary: You and Dean are meant for each other, but in his line of work, he deems your relationship too dangerous for the long haul, pushing you away, leaving you both worse for the wear.

Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Word Count: 1,893

Warnings: Cursing, nausea, vomiting, fever, seizures.

A/N: This will fulfill my ‘pining sickness’ square for @spnabobingo​, soulmate au (same mark on each other’s skin that reaches for its counterpart when there’s distance between you) for @spnfluffbingo (sorry I never seem to be able to do strict fluff with supernatural characters XD) and ‘I’d rather be in danger with you than safe without you’ for @spnquotebingo​.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You screamed, racing down the stairs after him. There was no way he was going to walk away and pretend this wasn’t happening. Not anymore. “Don’t fucking walk away from me!”

Dean rounded on so fast it scared you. “Y/N, I am toxic!” He bellowed, stopping Sam in his tracks behind you. “Every, single, time I get involved with someone, they die! Monsters, hunters, angels, demons, shitty fucking humans! It doesn’t matter. They will use you to get to me!”

“So what?” You stormed into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of beer, snapping the cap off through sheer anger before taking a long sip. Even alcohol wasn’t helping your rattling nerves. “When you love someone, you do things you wouldn’t normally do! Did I expect this life? No way, but I’m in it now and I’m in love with you, you fucking moron!”

He hesitated slightly, your words undoubtedly getting to him despite himself. “Well, I don’t feel the same way.”

Sam glared at him disbelievingly, not saying a word. Dean elbowed you out of the way of the refrigerator and grabbed another beer, downing nearly half of it before continuing. “I care about you. And I care about you enough to turn you away from me and this life.” 

“Don’t you fucking dare pull that neanderthal bullshit with me, Alpha!” You yelled your throat hoarse. Sam dipped out of the area and back toward his bedroom. It didn’t matter. Whether he was here or not, you’d be seething. “You don’t get to decide my life for me! Have you ever thought that maybe I’d rather be in danger with you than safe without you?” He readied himself to respond but you pushed against his shoulder with a force that startled even you. “Did you ever stop to think that I’ve waited my entire life to find the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? And that now that I found him, I’ll be damned if I let him go?”

You were on a roll. Dean wanted to speak, but you wouldn’t let him. “No! You didn’t fucking think about what I want! Because your number one priority is to make sure you don’t have anymore blood on your hands. Well, guess what. You don’t get to do that. Not with me! When you care, you get blood on your hands. That’s just the way it is. I get to make my own damn decisions!” It all just exploded out of you. You kept screaming and crying and drinking to the point where you weren’t even sure what you were saying anymore. As you kept going, your arguments shifted from his demeanor to your own health. “You claimed me,” you said, pulling your sleeve aside to shove the mark in his face. “You know what’ll happen to me without you? I could fucking die!” 

Dean waited for you to stop ranting, steadily finishing his beer. Once you were all yelled out, he chose his words wisely. “There’s medication. You’ll be fine. You’re not going to change my mind,” he said flatly, trying to keep any sense of emotion out of his voice, even though you could tell he was right on the edge of acknowledging every amazing and shit feeling he was feeling in this moment. “I need you to get out of the bunker as soon as possible. For your own good.”

Without thinking, you reeled back and slapped him, open palm to cheek, relishing in the sound of the crack that reverberated throughout the bunker. “Fuck you, Alpha! Fuck. You.”

You kept his gaze as you dipped down to grab your bag. If he was going to pull this bullshit, he was going to look into your broken gaze and suffer while he did it. You weren’t going to be the only one to feel like jumping off the edge of a cliff. Fuck him. 

As you climbed the stairs, you glanced down at your hand and glimpsed the ring he’d given you. Boiling with anger, you ripped it off your finger and threw it at him, turning to leave before he could see the tears rolling down your cheeks.

----

You knew the possibilities. It could be as little as a fever and nausea that plagued you. Or it could go to the other end of the spectrum and kill you. With tear-stained cheeks, and no care for who saw you in this state, you headed out the night after your fight with Dean and meet with a doctor at an urgent clinic that specialized in working with omegas. After he checked your vital signs, he leaned against the wall. You felt no threat from him. He was an unassuming beta, which is why you tended to come here. “What can I help you with?”

“I was wondering if I might be able to get some medication to combat pining sickness?” You swiped the silently falling tears and snot from your face with the back of your sleeve. 

“You’re mated?”

“Yes, but my Alpha is a pig-headed, son-of-a-bitch in a dangerous line of work that thinks he’s doing me favors by staying away from me.”

“He knows how dangerous pining sickness can be, right?”

Nodding, you stared down at the mark on your hand, cursing its movement as another tear slipped down your cheek. “Yea, but he said there’s medication and he’s adamant that he’s too dangerous for me to be around.”

“He should’ve thought about that before mating with you,” the beta said angrily. When he met your gaze, his own softened. “I can give you something. I hope he comes to his senses, but if he doesn’t I can write up refills for as long as you need, okay?”

A strained smile was all you could muster as you took the prescription from him and bid him a good day, thanking him again for his time and understanding. Less than an hour later, your prescription was filled. One pill a day. Down the hatch.

----

Shakily, you took another pill. Five days since Dean had shoved you out of his life. It started with shakes and a fever, despite the pill. If you didn’t have the pill you might be dead already. 

Pain racked your body, tensed every muscle so badly you could do almost nothing but sleep. Pulling the covers back up over your head, you attempted to shut your eyes against the pain. Bile burnt at the back of your throat. You barely made it to the sink before the little food you’d been able to eat the last few days found its way back up and out. 

Wiping the remnants away, you fell back against the wall and slipped to the cold, hard tile. It took all the strength you had to reach into your pocket and call Sam. Dean wouldn’t pick up, but Sam might. And maybe he could convince Dean to pull his head out of his ass. 

“Hello? Y/N?” Sam asked, his voice growing more concerned when you didn’t answer him. “Y/N, are you there?”

You replied, your voice barely above a whisper, despite trying. “Sam, I’m not well. Dean won’t pick up. I’m shaking. I have a crazy fever, even though I’m on meds. I can’t sleep and it’s only getting worse. Every day. I feel like my insides are boiling. Please, talk to him.”

“You’re on medication?”

“Since the day after I walked out. It’s not helping. Without it, I’d be dead already. Please, Sam. Try. Or I’m not gonna make it.”

Sam’s reply got caught in his throat. “I’ll get him to pull his head out of his ass, I promise.”

A laugh escaped you, but it hurt. “It’s really far up there, Sam.”

“I know.”

----

Every movement felt like climbing a mountain. And every waking moment was a fight to keep living. You started having seizures and could barely keep any food down. Water was all you could stomach.

Another three days past before you heard from Sam again. “He’s immovable, Y/N. Is the medication helping at all?”

“No,” you sobbed, though no tears slid down onto your pillow. “I’m having seizures. I’m burning up. I’m trying to stay on my side so that I don’t choke if I have a seizure, but I’m- I’m not gonna make it. I need you to tell Dean that despite everything...I loved him.”

Hanging up, you tossed the phone across the room with the strength you could muster and teared up again at the sight of the mark on your hand. It had always reminded you of an oak tree, but now the leaves looked like tendrils, crawling across your skin in search of its counterpart. You ran your opposite thumb across the mark and fell asleep, not knowing whether you’d wake up the next morning.

----

Dim light shined into your eyes the following morning, practically blinding you. Your muscles were stiff, barely limber enough to prop yourself up in bed without searing pain, but you managed, taking another pill even though it probably wasn’t doing anything.

Taking a trip to the bathroom was a monumental affair, but on the way you grabbed your phone again. You were so tired. You weren’t going to make it another day. Teetering on the edge of an abyss.

Once again on the bed, you called Dean this time, not surprised when it went to voicemail. “Hey, Alpha. I just...I needed to call you one last time. My temperature’s 105. I can barely move my muscles. I’m having seizures. I won’t make it another day. I know I asked Sam to tell you, but I needed you to hear it from me. Despite everything, despite your bull-headedness and completely dumbassery...I love you. I knew when we first met, even before I saw the mark on your hand, that you were my soulmate. And even though I’m not going to make it, the years we spent together were the best of my life.”

The phone slipped from your grasp after you hung up, thudding against the sheets. Through the gossamer curtains, you marveled at the sun, remembered what it looked like the day you met Dean, before drifting off to sleep.

----

A strong grasp shook you awake.

“Alpha?”

“’Mega, ‘M here.”

When you opened your eyes, you saw his soft greens gazing back at you, filmed by tears as deep as the ocean. “Am I dead?”

“No,” he sobbed. “Mega, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I was a fuckin idiot. Stay with me.”

His hands slid up the dry, cracked skin on your arms and up your face. His touch was warm - home. “Fucking idiot would be an understatement.”

Something between a laugh and a sob left his lips. “I know. Baby, ‘Mega, open your eyes.” His thumb traveled back and forth over your cheek, coaxing your eyes to open. “That’s it. Just...stay with me, okay?”

He spoke to you as he stripped himself of his clothes and you of yours, crawling into bed behind you. When his skin melted into yours, you felt a modicum of relief. Something that gave you the slightest bit of hope. “Don’t leave me,” you whispered. 

His hand grasped yours, the mark on his hand melding with yours. “Never again.”

[winter-soldier-vibes]

I didn’t have the right words to say (Steve Rogers x depressed reader)

I didn’t have the right words to say

Steve Rogers x reader

Summary: reader is Steve Rogers’ girlfriend and suffers from depression. She never said anything out of fear and not knowing how to, but when Steve goes away she turns to unhealthy methods of coping that she found years ago.

Word count 3558

Warnings: self harm, depression, Steve taking care of you

---------------------

You always assured your boyfriend Steve that you’d be fine on your own when he left for missions. That he should be more worried about himself than he should be about leaving you. He was the one going into the fight, after all.

What you didn’t tell him is you were fighting your own fight day after day. Against yourself. 

As much as you loved Steve, it was nice when he would leave so you didn’t have to pretend anymore. It was the summer and it had become so sweltering hot. It was a pain to wear long sleeves and a smile all the time.

You were fighting a losing battle with your depression. You had been for over half of your life. It would come in waves, but it wasn’t between when it was good and when it was bad, it was between when it was bad and when it got worse.

The way that you dealt with it all was through hurting yourself. You had been to so many doctors and shrinks, but no matter what you tried you always reverted back to this. See, what people didn’t tend to understand is why a person would want to hurt themselves. Most people think it’s for attention or to numb their pain. But they didn’t realize it could accomplish so many needs.

It calmed your anxiety or anger, it toned down the racing thoughts that overtook your mind, but it could also jolt you out of your numbness. You could do it to punish yourself because you thought it was what you deserved. Sometimes it was to fulfill the itch that came with the addiction. Truth be told, you did it for many reasons. And it was too complicated to try and find an equal fix for each reason. Why would you when relief was a few strokes away?

You were lost in your life that was full of mistakes. And there was nothing you could do about it. You were struggling to survive, but you never asked for help. You just smiled and turned the other way.

You tried your best not to do it when Steve was around. Lately he had been sent on more missions, and would often come back so drained that he would sleep like a rock. You hid it pretty well too. With the help of some makeup you could get away with ¾ length sleeves and capris. You tried to keep it localized in places you didn’t have to worry about hiding, like your stomach. And lucky for you, both you and Steve were still a little shy around being intimate.

You knew he was going to find out at some point, and ideally you’d tell him before he realized by accident. The timing was just never right. He was either out the door, exhausted, or just relieved to be around you. You couldn’t squeeze it into a conversation, keep him awake when he was tired, or ruin a perfectly good moment. You couldn’t find the words to say to make it make sense to him. You wanted to be able to lean on him, because your head really was quite lonely. But your mind told you it was better this way. He wouldn’t understand. You were better off alone.

You felt like you had all the pieces to the puzzle. You had a great life, one of the most understanding people who ever lived, and stable conditions. You didn’t think you could ask for anything more. Your ability to feel emotions just had a wider scale than everyone else. Everyone seemed to have an emotional dial of 1-10. You seemed to have one that was more 1-50. And you didn’t know how to deal with or fix it.

So you kept your mouth shut, just trying to survive

You had a feeling Steve had begun to catch onto something. He seemed more reluctant to leave for days at a time, and sometimes he would look at you in a way that told you he wanted to say something but then decided against it. 

You sent him off, promising you’d be okay without him and shutting the door. Once it was closed you dropped the smile you had been wearing and trudged into your living area. You sat on the couch and hung your head, clasping your hands together and resting your elbows on your knees. You closed your eyes and tried to keep your breathing level. A panic attack was the last thing you needed right now. 

When you were alone, you didn’t have to keep up the mask you plastered on like second nature. It was nice to let your guard down for a few days at a time. But it also meant that you were alone with your thoughts, with very little distraction to keep them at bay.

When you were younger you at least had reasons to be down all the time. Feeling different from everyone else, being excluded, being hurt by the people around you...all good reasons to have low self worth. It made sense then. But it didn’t make sense anymore. Your life was stable, you had never been more at peace with your situation in your life

So why was having peace with yourself so goddamn hard?

You sighed, trying to stop the thoughts before the dam broke and you were swept away in the rush of emotion. You knew you would spend most of the next few days in your room trying to sleep away the pain. And it would usually work. And if it didn’t, you knew what you could do to help yourself along.

You barely got out of bed for the next few days, only rising to relieve yourself every now and then. You would alternate between actual sleep, staring at the ceiling, and scrolling through your phone looking for a distraction from your thoughts. After a few days though, they began to get out of hand. 

You expected things to get to the point of wanting to hurt yourself, but tht didn’t mean that you welcomed the thought. It wasn’t a comforting thing to you. As much as it helped, you hated that you were doing this to yourself again and again. You wanted to stop but you weren’t ready to give up the relief just yet.

You sighed and made your way to the bathroom. You didn’t bother locking it since you were alone. Steve wasn’t meant to be home for another few days.

You retrieved the blades from your secret space and sat on the closed toilet seat. You pulled off your shirt and looked down in disgust at the different marks scattered across your skin. People told you they were like battle scars .It made you laugh sometimes. You can never win when you’re fighting yourself. There’s a part of you that always loses.

You toyed with the blade between your fingers for a few moments. You didn’t have a time limit here, so you let your mind do what it wanted until you couldn’t take it anymore. It was so rare that you actually let your toxic thoughts loose and let them flood your mind. It was always painful, but when you did the situation always ended with you feeling a little lighter. Like the countdown to the explosion had just been extended a little longer.

You closed your eyes and immediately the thoughts started to trickle in.

Fuck up

No one likes you

You can’t even like yourself

I bet everyone hates you more than you do

Tears made their way quickly into your eyes and ran down your cheeks, hot and angry. You were always angry with yourself, and there wasn’t much you could do about it aside from ignoring it or letting it dominate you. There wasn’t an in-between. The thoughts started running in fast, like a faucet that had turned from a trickle into full power. You braced yourself but you never quite could be prepared for what your mind had to say.

Steve’s just being nice, it’s who he is

If he really knew who you were, he’d bolt for sure

No one could love you

No use in fighting anymore

Maybe you’d be better off dead

No one would care anyways.

Do I even care?

You forced your eyes open and clutched the blade a little tighter. You brought it to your stomach and added a few new marks to the others. The first few were shallow, hesitant. It had been about a week since you did something like this. Taking a few steady deep breaths, you dragged the blade over some new skin, pressing a little more firmly. This brought a stinging sensation, but it was one you had begun to crave. You saw the blood start to trickle down your stomach. Craving more, you moved to make another slash. This went on until you were comfortably numb and your stomach was red. You sat back and closed your eyes, basking in the peace.

You heard a door close. “Y/n? I’m back.”

Your eyes flew open. No, no way was he home. How is that even possible? You looked down at yourself.

Oh shit.

How were you supposed to hide this? You didn’t know how to wrap your stomach on your own and you were out of bandages. Normally you would just wait for the bleeding to stop, but that was going to take too long. Your eyes trailed around the room before landing on the shower.

The shower…

You turned on the water and stepped in, not caring to wait until it warmed up. The water stung your fresh wounds and some of the older ones that weren’t quite healed yet, but you swallowed a groan of pain, worried that he would hear.

You heard footsteps followed by a knock. “You in their y/n?”

You tried to keep your voice level and tried not to speak too quickly. “Yeah, just taking a quick shower. I’ll be right out babe.”

Outside the door, he smiled to himself and went to put on some more comfortable clothes. The mission had gone better than expected, and he was happy that he was home a few days earlier. Something seemed to be bothering you, and he didn’t like the feeling he got in his stomach any time he left you alone.

Inside the shower, you were trying not to panic. The blood was turning the water at your feet a pink color, and you needed to think quickly. The shirt you had worn in here was white, and it would definitely be obvious if the blood started seeping through. Somehow you needed to get a new shirt before he was able to hug you, and the chances of that happening were very slim.

You covered your face and resisted the tears pricking your eyes. How could you have been so stupid?

Realizing you had been in here for what was probably longer than normal, you turned off the water and grabbed your dark towel. You dried yourself off to see that the bleeding had mostly stopped except for a few of them. You thought you’d be okay if you moved quickly.

Putting on your shirt and hiding the evidence, you flushed the toilet and walked out into your bedroom, not expecting Steve to be right there. He smiled at you and stood up, walking over to you. “Hey there,” he said, wrapping his arms around you. “I missed you.”

You tensed up immediately, trying not to whine or whimper at the sudden pressure to the fresh cuts. Steve picked up on you tensing up and pulled back, worry crossing over his face. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

You shook your head. “No, no. It’s nothing.” you said, putting your mask back on. “I missed you too Steve.”

You hugged him again before turning around and moving to the closet. You looked down at your stomach and sure enough, blood had started spotting through.

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself.

Steve heard you and moved over to you. He tried to turn you around but you kept your back to him. “What’s going on y/n?”

You shook your head, trying not to panic as you looked for a dark shirt. “Nothing’s happening Steve,” you said.

He tried to hug you from behind but the sudden contact made you whimper and curse, causing Steve to grow even more concerned. He tried to walk around in front of you to face you. “Are you hurt?”  You turned away from him again, blood becoming even more apparent on the front of your shirt. 

You went to close yourself back in the bathroom, but Steve grabbed your arm and turned you around enough to see the blood soaking through your shirt. Alarm bells started going off in his head. “Oh my God...y/n…” He looked back at you, noticing how you wouldn’t look back at him. “What happened darling?”

You shrugged him off, walking back to the bathroom again. “It’s nothing -”

“Y/n, you’re covered in blood! Don’t tell me that’s nothing.” he took a deep breath. “Did someone hurt you?”

You snapped your eyes back at him before shaking your head. “No - no one hurt me.” you said.

He stepped closer. “Then why are you bleeding?” he asked. 

You shook your head and kept your eyes downcast until he lifted your chin so you had to meet his eyes. He noticed the tears, but more importantly, the sheer panic flooding your eyes. He took a deep breath before asking “Did - did you do this to yourself?”

Your silence was indication enough to Steve. He closed the space between the two of you and hugged you gently, not wanting to hurt you like he did before. You cried into his chest for a while, and once you had calmed down enough, Steve asked, “Can I see?”

You shook your head vigorously, and Steve said, “Please. I only want to help, and I just need to know how bad they are.” He kissed the top of your forehead. “I’m not here to judge you,y/n.” he pulled back and brushed back some of your hair. “I’m here to love you.”

You took some deep breaths and you were going to pull up your shirt, but you couldn’t. You were too ashamed. Steve brought his hands to the hem of your shirt, and then he pulled it up over your head. You heard him gasp before he said “Oh y/n…”

You looked into his eyes to see that there were tears in his eyes too. He saw the new ones, along with the old ones and the ones that were faded. There had to have been hundreds. Steve’s expression held anguish and pain. How did he not know?

He shook his head slightly and looked up to your eyes. “Why?”

You crossed your arms, feeling extremely exposed. “So many reasons…” you said quietly, looking away.

Steve hated seeing you in so much pain. Physically and emotionally. He said, “Come on, let me help you take care of those.”

He held out his hand and you hesitantly took it, and he led you back into the bathroom. He motioned for you to sit on the counter, and you did. He went back into another part of the house, and came back with a first aid kit. One he probably kept in his bag and had more medical supplies than you had ever provided yourself with.

He grabbed a towel and wet it under the sink faucet before bringing it over to you, but paused when you tensed as he held it over your stomach. He looked at you and gave you a small smile. “It’s okay y/n. I’m not going to hurt you.”

He grabbed your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, and you nodded,  silently giving him permission to continue. He began cleaning the drying blood off of you, and you tried not to wince too much. After he was finished, he put down the cloth and grabbed the antibiotic ointment from the kit. Another thing you never bothered to use on yourself. You usually just let fate decide whether or not you would get an infection.

He went to apply it and you grabbed his arm, keeping your eyes downcast. He shifted his weight, looking at you. “What’s wrong?”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” you asked, still unable to look at him.

He sighed before asking, “Why aren't you?”

You looked him in the eyes, trying to not to break down. “Being nice to myself doesn’t help me.” you shrugged your shoulders. “This does.”

He sighed, trying to hide the anger that he harbored towards himself at that moment. He cleared his throat, asking “How long have you been doing this for?”

You shook your head and gave a small shrug. “Long before I met you. Since I was a teenager.”

He took a deep breath, and you saw his face paling. He felt terrible knowing you had been in so much pain for so long. What could have caused you to do such a thing to yourself? He knew that self harm existed and some of the reasons why people would, but he never noticed any of the symptoms. How could he be so ignorant?

Snapping back to the current situation, he still had the cream in his hand, and your arm was still gripping his. “May I?”

You hesitated for a moment before nodding your head and letting go, allowing him to continue. He dabbed your wounds gently, before turning back to the kit and grabbing gauze and wrap. He placed the gauze on the deeper cuts before wrapping your stomach. It was so much easier when someone else was doing it and you had more than two hands. He taped it down before tossing the remainder to the side and leaning back against the wall in front of you, crossing his arms. 

The two of you stayed in the silence, neither of you knowing what to say. You are still embarrassed and ashamed that he had found out, and he for not noticing. He also just wanted to be sensitive and say the right thing. He didn’t want to make you feel any worse than you were feeling currently.

“Really, why are you doing this to yourself?”

You shrugged and crossed your arms. “Seriously, I’ve tried to stop. So many times. It’s just…” you took a breath. “There are so many possible reasons why I do it. And I just got so exhausted trying to find an alternative for each one of them. I’ve talked to people, I’ve tried all the different things they suggest.” You shook your head. “This is the only thing that always works.”

His face softened. “But sweetheart, you’re hurting yourself. You can’t…” he took a breath. “I know it helps you but what happens if -” his voice cracked and he tried to compose himself. “I wouldn’t know what to do if you accidentally went too far.”

You let out a dry laugh. “Don’t take this the wrong way babe, but I’ve been doing this for years and I’ve been fine so far. I think I know what I’m doing, so -”

He stepped forward and held you by your shoulders. “You’re not fine, darling. You don’t do this to yourself if you’re okay.”

The two of you stay in silence for a little longer. “Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asked

You shook your head. “I don’t know. If I did I would have told you a long time ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

You sighed. “I did what I thought was right. I’ve accepted that I’m broken, and I stopped trying to fix it a long time ago. I know this isn’t a way to live, but…” you shrugged. “There’s nothing more to do. I can’t fix myself.”

He wrapped his arms around you again. “It’s going to be okay y/n” he said.

You shook your head. “I want to believe you, I really do. But that’s just empty words, and empty promise that I stopped believing in long ago. It just never stops.”

He tightened his arms around you. You started crying again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore Steve.”

“I know sweetheart. I know.” He rubbed a hand up and down your saking body. “I can’t tell you that I can make it go away, but I’m gonna be here with you through everything.”

You looked up at him. “You’re not leaving?” you asked

He smiled at you. “I’m not going anywhere y/n. I’m staying right here.”

He pulled you close again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Steve. There’s just so much to say and I couldn’t find the right words.”

“I’m listening y/n,” he said. “I’m listening.”

[jordanstrophe]

This One is Mine, part 11 final

CW: Whump, recovering from whipping, hospital, toxic relationship between parent implied, assassination mentioned

masterlist 

Michael sat staring at the highway speeding past the window, his eyes stained with tears. Nimrah had him seated leaning against his side so she could tend to his back. It was disturbing how still and quiet he was being as she did her best to clean up the countless lashes across his back. After several hours of driving, the car came to a stop. Miles opened up the door for him, as Michael looked up at him pitifully with eyes burning in sorrow. 

“Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you?” Miles asked. He cleaned up his face, before forcing himself to his feet, ignoring the outstretched hand to him. Miles sighed, before stepping aside, Michael's eyes went wide as he realized they were parked in front of a hospital. “Go on.” Miles nodded. “You’re free.”

“I’m what?” He whispered, not taking his concerned eyes off Miles. “The system is broken, Charles is bringing the whole thing down. So you’re free, everyone is. Don’t worry, no one will come for y-” “-I don’t care!” Michael shouted, Miles slowly shutting his mouth in shock. “I don’t care! Why did he turn himself in?! Why couldn’t we all just leave together?!” He cried out, shoving Miles hand away.

“Michael, he knows what he’s doing! He’ll be alright, if you don't trust me, trust him.” He argued. Michael fell silent, fists curled up tight, tears dripping down his chin. “Why?” He asked. Miles let out a pained sigh, forcing his hand into his. “I’ll explain one day, but right now, you need to get checked in. Please.” He pleaded, coaxing him in. He was too upset to argue or complain anymore, he was exhausted, in pain and scared. 

Miles helped him into the hospital, it was the first time in forever that he was out in public. He used to dream of this moment, planning to scream for help, but now, he only held his head down, not wanting anyone to look at him. “Do you have an appointment?” A man at the desk asked, not quite looking up. “No, but he’s bleeding on the floor.” Miles said. The man's eyes shot up, looking at Michael in horror. “Oh dear.. I’ll get the doctor!” He said, jumping to their feet. 

Miles sat Michael down in a seat, placing a hand on each shoulder. “I have to go. Take care of yourself, okay?” Miles asked. “What? Wait! Where are you going?” Michael yelled, grabbing onto his sleeve. “Listen... Nimrah and I have to disappear for a while, just until things die down a bit. You don’t have to worry though, okay? You’re free now.” He said. 

“No!” He cried out. “Take me with you! I have to see Charles! Please! Isn’t there anything I can do to help? What’s going to happen to him?” He sobbed. Heads began to turn and eyes pried, as Miles nervously glanced around, before crouching down to his level. “I’m sorry, I know you have questions, but I can’t answer them right now. We’ll show up one day, we’ll find you, and we’ll tell you everything, okay? I promise.” He smiled, placing his hand over his that was still desperately gripping his coat. “But...” Michael muttered. “Take care!” He called, slipping from his grasp, disappearing out the door. 

He sat there in silence, staring in his direction. He sat in silence as doctors pulled him into a wheelchair. He sat in silence as he was being tended to on a hospital bed. Not a wince nor a whimper escaped his lips. He sat in silence as the police came by to ask him questions. 

He laid in the hospital bed, helplessly staring at the blank ceiling wall. He finally got what he wanted so badly, being alone and free, but he was just as miserable as before. 

......

Miles nudged open the door, dust flying around lit by the sunbeam. He struggled to carry in two suitcases, as Nimrah casually dragged in four behind her. “It’s small, but it will do.” Miles shrugged. “Small? Small to what you’re used to. It’s decent, it will do.” Nimrah shrugged. “It feels so.. Quiet.” Miles muttered. Nimrah pulled out her phone, playing soft music as she placed it on a shelf. “Better?” She smiled. “Yeah, a bit.” He chuckled. 

“So... Wonder if he can do it.” She said, crossing her arms, leaning against the wall. “He took a huge risk, taking down the system from the outside of all things. If he can do that, and clear his name at the same time, I’ll both be impressed and not surprised.” 

“He’s manipulated courts before, it’s kinda his nak. Though I would prefer he just come with us and we took it down from here.” She shrugged. “That’s just a difference in style. If we did it that way, we’d have Michael to worry about, we would be on the run every single day for who knows how long. The system does not like people messing with their privacy.” 

“If this works, we could live normal lives.” She muttered. “You ran the assassinations block, how do you feel about that?” Miles laughed. She smirked, shaking her head. “I’m actually okay with it. I was enjoying my clothing shop more than anything, which is irony, as that was created just as a cover. I’m looking forward to expanding. Yeah, I have some side assassins that may be upset over losing their job, but they’ll move on too, find other things.” She stopped, before looking up at him. “Charles did did it all for the kid. I know he did.” She smirked.

“Special kid, huh?” 

“Yeah, special kid.”

Michael kept trying to fall asleep, every time he was just about to doze off, reality would strike, jolting him awake as he glanced around the room trying to remember where he was. The door slammed open, as he shot up in bed. A man ran in, screeching to a halt, staring at him with wide unbelieving eyes. 

“Michael?” He whispered.

“...Dad?”

The both stared at each other, before he came to his bedside, placing a hand on his arm. “The police recognized you from a missing poster, I almost didn’t believe them when I got a call.” His voice cracked with glossy eyes. Michael opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. The man took a deep breath, closing his eyes guiltily. “You alright?” He muttered. “No.” He hissed back, looking away from him. “Son it wasn’t my faul-” “-I left because of you! That night... I just couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t take you anymore!” Michael cried out. The man only listened, as he poured out months of built up anger. “I saw a murder that night, when I l-left... I was just going to take a walk and a man was killed in the street, and I s-saw it.” He cried. 

“I told you not to go out so late...” The man sighed. “It’s not about you! Everything isn’t about you! You put way too much pressure on me! Of course I left that night!” He yelled. “Sshshhh..” The man shushed, pushing him down to lean back in the bed. “I just want to be alone....” Michael muttered, turning his body away, hiding his face in the pillow. The man let out a quiet frustrated sigh, before silently leaving the room.

Days passed, as he slowly recovered, his father would still come by every now and then to help him walk around and keep him exercising, but they both did so in silence. As he gained more energy, he started getting anxious, being rebellious when doctors tried to touch him, squirming out of anything and everyone's grasp, just lying in bed all day aside from the times his father would force him up and go for a walk down the long halls. 

“When can I go home?” He asked, taking a rare glance up at the doctor. “You’re a tough kid, I’ll give you that. You’re good to go anytime. Take it easy though." The doctor chuckled. 

When his father came to visit that day, Michael tugged on his coat. “Can you take me home please?” He asked. “Home? Are you sure?” He asked, he nodded in response. “You haven’t talked to the police yet, or me, even...” He muttered. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” He crossed his arms. His father was going to argue with him, but he just sighed and shook his head. “Come on then.” He huffed, as Michael immediately grabbed his coat and out the door. 

He hated the drive home. He hated the old driveway. He hated how the house looked the exact same. His room was somewhat intact, but several things were missing, he assumed his father probably sold a lot, he didn’t care though. Not anymore at least. 

It had been a week since he was dropped off at the hospital, Michael spent his time just staring at the window towards the road, waiting for the day someone would come. But what if they never did? What if they forgot about him, and just moved on. What if it took years for Charles to take down whatever this system was. He let out a frustrated groan, slamming his head down to cover it in his arms. 

There was a soft knock at the door, as it was grumpily opened. “Yeah... Who is it?”

“David? David Hale?” A man asked at the door. “Uhh, yeah... That’s me.” He grumbled. “You have a son named Michael?” He asked. David squinted, shielding the sun from his eyes. “Who are you, what do you want? Michael isn’t talkin if that’s why you’re here.” He grumbled

The man couldn’t help but to let a chuckle out. “That’s fine, can I see him?” He asked. “You didn’t answer my question, who are you?” His voice grew with irritation. His eyes finally adjusted to the light, he awkwardly looked up at the very tall muscular man standing in front of him.

 “Uhh..” He gulped. 

“My name is Miles, I’m a friend of his, I just need to borrow him for a bit.” He smiled. “Now you listen here... Uh, young man... I don’t know who you are, nor do I know of Michael having any kind of.. Friends, he’s been a hermit all week. Give the kid a break now, ya hear?” He tried to make himself look powerful and impressive with his posture, but he was still wearing a fluffy robe that kind of defeated the purpose. 

Michael slinked down the steps slowly from behind, curiously. He wanted to see who it was, but didn’t want to be seen himself. He immediately recognized the man's voice, as he bolted down the stairs, ducking behind David’s arm that was holding the door, face-planting right into Miles chest, pulling him into a tight hug. Miles chuckled, hugging him back practically lifting him from his feet.

“Hey kid! Long time no see.” He smiled, ruffling his air. “But! Wha-.. How? Wh-... I never saw your car! How did you get here?!” He cried out, he had become a pretty determined road camper by his window, staring down every car that passed. “Parked hidden on the side, old habits die hard.” He winked. “Is it alright if I take you to the park down the road?” He asked. 

“Yes!” - “No!”“ David interrupted. “I don’t know who you are, he’s going nowhere with you!” He hollered. “Dad! It’s fine, I know him!” He argued back. David went into a rant of all the cons of going with him, as Michael ignored him, glancing around. “Is that your car?” He whispered, nodding towards it that was sneakily parked behind a bush. “Yep, good eye.” He shrugged.

Michael snatched the keys from his hand, taking off towards the car. “- And what if someth-.. Michael? MICHAEL!” David hollered, as both Michael and Miles hopped into the car. “Go!” Michael laughed, tossing Miles keys back, who slammed it into the engine and bolted. “I didn’t know you were such a rascal.” Miles shook his head, as Michael kept on laughing. “Now I see why you and Charles got along so well.” He shrugged. Michael's laughs quickly faded, as he glanced over. “Is he?...” He muttered. “You’ll see kid, you’ll see.”

They pulled up to the park, it was a quiet warm day, not many people were up and around. Miles helped him out of the car, and led him to a bench with someone waiting there. They stood up, quickly turning around to face them.

“C... Charles?” Michael asked, tears already flooding his eyes.

“Hey sweetheart.” He smiled, tears already in his own eyes as well. Michael silently walked up to him, practically collapsing in his arms as Charles caught him. 

“I did it.” He smiled. “I see that!” Michael shouted, sobbing with joy. He sat them down on the bench, as Michael leaned against his shoulder, just hugging his arm, nuzzling into it. 

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Charles leaned his head against his.

“How did you do it?” He asked. “Ohhh, dumping a lot of information planned out on a flash drive... But a couple of tweaks here and there of course, painting me out of the picture. The fight is still going on, but enough damage has been done we can walk out in the open now.” He smirked. “I’m glad.” He nudged. “What are you going to do now?” 

“Well! I’m taking some advice from Nimrah, who’s helping me build a new business! We have a new place, not as big, but it’s nice! Mia is staying as my secretary, Liam opened his own restaurant, and we eat there every single night!”

“Did he ever get his turkey back?” Michael giggled. “Sssshh, we don’t talk about the turkey.” They both laughed. “He probably has some golden turkey statue somewhere in honor of it somewhere, I’m sure of it.”

Michael tucked himself under his arm to get more comfortable. “Are you doing alright? Everything good at home?” Charles asked. 

“Yeah...” He muttered.

“I sense lies.” He nudged him back, as he hid his face in his arm. “I really did miss you... I loved taking care of you and just having you around the house. You made it a home.” He smiled. “I uh... I guess what I’m trying to say is... If you ever want to get away, or need a roof, anything... I have an extra room. That may or may not have been made just for you in case you wanted to uh.. to...”

“I would love to.” He smiled. “Wh.. What? Really?” He asked excitedly, before quickly clearing his throat. “Mmhm! More than anything. But you have to give me something to do so I can help around! Can I help with the new business?” He excitedly tugged his sleeve. ‘’Yes! Yes of course you can! I would love that.” He cried out, fresh tears pouring down his face as they hugged each other so tightly.

“Wait! I have one more request.” He mentioned

“Anything!”

“I don’t want a desk! No more desks!" He cried out. 

"Of course, no more desks." He chuckled, wrapping his arms around him, as they watched the sunrise. 

The end.

Final tag:  @lave-whump @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @green-eyed-whumpster  @grizzlie70  @myworstdays @ill-eat-you-if-you-cross-me @alien-octopus

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Thank you for reading! Hope the series was enjoyable! <3

[shiishki]

okay wait, i changed my mind. you should answer all of these questions as well, if that's what you want from me >:)

oof there's a lot of it, that's what i get for wanting to be ✨aesthetic✨

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

vowels (and the importance of being me) - hunny

honeypie - jawny

pretty young thing - michael jackson

mirrors - justin timberlake

sunflower - red orange county

paradise - rude-a

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

a therapist.

ok someone else.. uhh,, my grand grandma because i only have scratches of memories but i dunno if that counts since she passed away...

*rummages through ancient scripts* uhh ok someone who isn't dead.. uhm,, tommie? yeah I'd like to meet them if i could meet anyone on earth

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ok, the closest german, english or polish book? nvm i have english

"suddenly was. So I just said thank you a few times too, and Mum" ironically this is one of the normal lines in this book

4: What do you think about most?

the fact that I'll have to do something after school. and I don't know if i want to go to college or get a job bc i have no legitimate idea on what to do with my life. it gets overwhelming, just the lack of knowledge about the actual experience.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Ok

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, tho i sleep with just shorts in summer

7: What’s your strangest talent?

not sure if it's a talent, but i can fall asleep anywhere

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are pretty. boys are pretty

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

by me, yes. no one else has written a poem about me specifically. nvm, tommie wrote one and it shall rest on my wall, or desk, i need to find a place for it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

uhh i think last month?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i don't think so, but i am hella afraid of the possibly gigantic, terrifying things in the ocean depths that humans haven't discovered yet

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

yep, beloved legos as a lil child

13: What’s your religion?

i can't ever remember the name, but i believe gods (from all religions) exist in some way or form. so i believe in different pantheons and etc.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking my doggo, skateboarding, thinking about how to make the lives of my characters worse

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

uhmm the arctic monkeys? or the strokes

17: What was the last lie you told?

i know what i want

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, the rule of three specifically

19: What does your URL mean?

i don't know. it's something me and my sis came up with and that's just my whole identity now.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

uhh greatest weakness.. i can't finish things. strength is that I'm very stubborn so maybe I'll finish that thing out of spite

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i grew up thinking crushes were like unicorns. my ex was odd enough to argue with that i didn't love her if i didn't have a crush on her. but I think if i had to guess.. selena gomez, especially in the role of alex russo in wizard of weverly street

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write angry letters. sometimes they're sad letters. i write a lot of letters. except i never send them out and no one made a movie about them :}

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

jars and witchy bottles, books? scented candles

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone calls are stressful enough as is, i don't need you to see my reading off what i frantically wrote to not stumble over my words

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

i think so, yes, but that won't stop me from becoming better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate flies buzzing right by my ear, love cat purring

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I'd been born in a place where it was illegal for me (nonbinary) to live, in a time when others thought of me as a curse?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

they be chilling.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm, doggo, left arm, pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

fresh air and doggo, because doggo is with me and I can't live without open windows

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

i dunno tbh

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

which one is less homophobic?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

every gender is my opposite gender. selena gomez and justin timberlake

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make it easier for people down the line

36: Define Art.

make thing, thing goes woo

37: Do you believe in luck?

yis

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it's nice actually, very sunny, slight breeze

39: What time is it?

12.59 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i don't, but i once crashed into a fire department vehicle with my bike. bike ded.

41: What was the last book you read?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i legit ass don't know what gasoline smells like.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

many variations of my name, aka. Luce

44: What was the last film you saw?

i think it was Robin Hood: King of Thieves, but it might have been that half of spider-man homecoming i managed to watch with my poor internet

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

oh man i dunno... it's not an injury, but i was very sickly as a lil kid and almost died :)

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

once, years ago

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

hmmm horizon zero dawn i think

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

proud pansexual ^^

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not really, i don't think they're big enough to be actual rumors,, meh

50: Do you believe in magic?

yis

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

meh. they suck, i know they suck, that's it.

52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer ♋

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i attempt saving. attempt

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

for my own money, sweets. i bought lizards for my cats so they can brush their teeth from my dad's amazon acc

55: Love or lust?

luv

56: In a relationship?

nope, i buy my own cookies

57: How many relationships have you had?

1, kinda toxic toward the end, very stressful, don't recommend

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nu ><

59: Where were you yesterday?

on the fields walking my doggo

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep, a pastel pink hoodie in my closet uwu

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yis, thicc warm socks

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

cuddles and food.

64: Where is your best friend?

bold of you to assume i have a best friend.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

tommie-hildebrandt, kageyuji, nekomas-kuroo, joyful-soul-collector

66: What is your heritage?

I'm a demon boi from Poland tho that's not a thing to be proud of, i mean, look at the economy. awful.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, trying to sleep.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Pinkton. or Satan.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

this is such an odd combination of words i had to look it up. yea.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

a friend who won't laugh at me when i ask them to order smth for me because I'm too anxious to.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

excuse me? i am saving the doggo wtf. f u boss, I'm gonna sell my tragic story to the news.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell my parents. b) live the hell out of them uwu c) nope uwu.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

history maker - dean fujioka :]

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3332

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication, trust, some more communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

let's not pretend to be something else to please each other, and bring some bitter chocolate.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

maybe. it could. i don't have a say in it since my sanity is held by tape.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

eat the pizza. stop caring about others not liking me/parts of me. just living for myself uwu.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

uh i dunno how the american sizes work and i don't wanna look it up so, 39, 40 fits too.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

demon boi

82: What is your favourite word?

socks.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the bloody organ that sits in your chest and pumps blood into your body so you don't die.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

uhm im not sure if that counts as a saying, but fake it till you make it

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

blinding lights - the weeknd

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

oh a normal question people use for ice breaking, sea blue and pastel variations of it.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

like my wallpaper? or the actual picture that sits on my desk? or how my desk looks like atm? it's ugly, a lot of papers and pens and schoolbooks.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

donald trump. or the next asshole who'll try to take the rights of the lgbt and poc away

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this. this is the question.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

yo there's a pizza somewhere in the refrigerator, want me to heat it up? we can have a sleep over and talk about our feelings :3

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

telekinesis! or shapeshifting! i could do such fun things with telekinesis ^^ yeah I'd totally eat some radioactive veggies

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that time my "friends" got me into shoplifting, half-hour is more than enough to punch some sense into my brain and develop good music taste

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

can i save this one? i don't think i have an experience horrible enough to be erased haha

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

sleep as in.. uh no thank u. but I'm down for a sleep over with sam smith ^^

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

just me? what about my pets? my fam? it's lowkey illegal for me to go just anywhere without them owO

uhhmm, greece. imma become part of the greek pantheon out of pure spite. and maybe toronto canada.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not any that i know of o.o

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

i think i may have but i honestly don't remember

98: Ever been on a plane?

nope, i dunno if i like planes, but I'd probably sleep if i were on one.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

yeet.

[crystalwillow]

Let Them Talk

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Casey Valentine (F!MC)

Word Count: 3.4K

Warnings: None. 100% fluff with a tinsy bit of Ethan angst

Tagging: @schnitzelbutterfingers @brycelahelalover @deansmyapplepie @vibrantlyjaz @kaavyaethanramsey @rookie-ramsey @ramseysno1rookie @ramseyswifey @whippedforethanfreakingramsey @ethanramseyswhore @obsessedheehee @eleanorbloom @queencarb @hopelessromantics4life

The gala was winding down and coming to an end. Ethan watched as Casey used her charm to squeeze out a few last minute donations, only moving from his seat at a table to make his way over as she went in for the final hand shake to seal the deal. The donors then walking towards the main doors and exiting into the night. Casey stood with her eyes closed as she allowed her posture to slouch a little as she pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a tired sigh. Ethan smiled softly as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, resting his chin carefully on her shoulder. “I’m proud of you.” he praised quietly, as though not to startle her. Pressing a soft, warm kiss to her cheek. Smiling, she leant back into his embrace as her hands fell naturally on top of his. “I’m not the one who made big moves tonight.” She said back, barely above a whisper as she turned around to face the taller doctor. His hands now gliding to the small of her back, he linked his fingers as a means of supporting her as their gazes found each other.

“I... was tired. Of pretending.”

“You weren’t pretending, per se. You were more suppressing your feelings to save my reputation as a doctor. You said so yourself.”

Ethan smiled at her softly, adoration the only thing in his eyes as she looked back at him. A yawn escaped him as he was about to speak.

“Sorry. I guess I’m more tired than I thought.”

“These things do tend to be pretty exhausting. And it probably doesn’t help that you done 5 shots with us before we left.” Casey teased, letting out a little squeal as Ethan playfully jabbed and tickled her sides.

“I’m not that old Casey Valentine. I can keep up with you youngsters perfectly fine and you know it.” He said with a slight chuckle as she writhed in his arms, begging him to stop tickling her. 

“No! seriously, stop. Please. I really need to pee. EthAN! NO!” she laughed and shrieked as she almost fell to the floor, but Ethan’s reflexes saved her.

“Do you seriously think I’d let the floor harm your pretty face?” he grinned at her.

“No. But please help me up. I really do need to pee.” she smiled.

Ethan helped her with finding her footing before she walked off to the nearest toilets. He couldn’t resist lightly tapping her butt with a cheeky grin as she looked back at him rolling her eyes playfully. He smiled after her until she disappeared down a corridor, when he turned back he startled slightly as he registered Casey’s flat mates round him in a semi-circle.

“...Can I.. help you?” he asked the 4 faces looking at him. 3 of them wearing matching smirks.

“So you and Valentine huh?” Aurora remarked smugly.

“How long?” Jackie added, fist bumping Aurora still smirking.

“We uh... what I mean is... Casey is....” Ethan flustered

“Is just a friend?” Elijah asked smugly. “We’ve heard that one before buddy.”

“Guys! Don’t tease him so much. That’s mean.” Sienna reprimanded before turning back to Ethan with a smile. “Good for you in taking the leap Dr. Ramsey. Also, thank you for letting her know she was the something that’s worth any risk.” She said sweetly, giving him a quick hug, which he returned with a gentle pat on the back.

“Uh, thank you. Sienna.” He smiled as the other 3 looked at Sienna in shock

“You knew?!” Jackie exclaimed

“And didn’t say anything to us?” Elijah added

“Sienna!” Aurora exclaimed.

The small doctor drew herself to her full height and looked at them sternly in turn. “Casey confided in me when she felt like she had nowhere else to go. So did Dr. Ramsey. I wasn’t going to betray that trust.” she snapped, face screwed in temporary anger. Next to her, Ethan chuckled.

“The smaller they are. The scarier that they get. Casey was right.” Ethan joked. Sienna turning to him and rolling her eyes, hitting his arm. “And it’s Ethan. Outside of work hours at least.” he smiled. Sienna nodded with a smile and small salute.

“Anyway. We came over to ask if we can expect Casey home tonight or not.” Jackie said, getting them back on track.

Ethan shook his head. “Not. There are... a few things I’d like to speak to her about that can’t wait.”

Aurora was about to make another smart remark but saw Casey round the corner with her head down, coming in their direction. “Okay... well. Don’t stay up too late.” She said instead with a wink and the gang turned around, heading outside.

Ethan turned to the sound of heels clicking on the floor behind him, chuckling at the small scowl on Casey’s features as she tugged at her dress muttering angrily under her breath.

“Ugh. Stupid thing will you. No not like that. Will you. UGH!” she screamed but blushed as it echoed around the now almost empty atrium. Ethan extended a hand with a kind and tired smile. “Come on. Let’s go home.” He said. She looked at him perplexed as she took his hand, the two of them heading out into the chilly night. As the frigid chill of the night air hit her skin, Casey hugged herself as a shiver ran down her spine. Ethan shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it round her shoulders.

“Wait here, I’ll just call for a cab.” He said with a smile as she sat on the edge of the fountain. A short while later, they had reached Ethan’s apartment and were drying off from their shared shower.

“That was so warm and refreshing.” Casey smiled with a yawn, plopping on the end of Ethan’s bed as he went through his closet looking for clothes.

“I still don’t see why it’s shocking that I buy Christmas scented soaps. I am a human you know. Not a robot.” He chuckled, throwing one of his navy blue t-shirts at Casey. Laughing when it landed on her head and she whined from behind the material. “Just pull it off.”

Casey lazily pulled it off her head and flopped back on the bed.

“I want to stay here forever. The gossip tomorrow is going to work me into an early grave of retirement.” she joked. Ethan chuckled as he pulled a black V-neck t-shirt of his own over his head.

“You know I’d love nothing more than to spend a full day in bed with you. But work calls whether there’s gossip or not. So please, pretty please, put the t-shirt on so we can get under these covers and cuddle.” he pleaded tiredly, laying next to her on his stomach.

“Can I have a kiss to give me some energy to move?” Casey pouted. Ethan chuckled shaking his head slightly and gave her a peck on the lips. In a flash, Casey had ditched her towel and slid the top over her head. She stood nervously at the foot of the bed.

“What’s the matter?”

“I um... haven’t ever slept without bottoms after a shower... I... feel naked.” Casey stuttered, blushing a light pink. Ethan gave her a kind, tired smile and pointed to his top drawer.

“Take a pair. What’s mine is yours after all.”

“Well. I mean... you can wear my underwear too. Just don’t steal the nice ones.” She joked as she opened the draw, Ethan sighing exasperatedly behind her. Casey stood and looked through the drawer picking out a pair with a neon pink stripe around the waistband, slipping them on and turning to the bed where Ethan was now waiting for her under the covers.

“They look way better on you”

“I didn’t think you were a pink kinda guy.”

“Excuse me? It’s my favourite colour. It’s just not... “manly” to wear such a bright version.”

Casey chuckled as she cuddled into his chest, Ethan covering her with the plush duvet. “You need not giving a  fuck about toxic masculinity lessons from Bryce.”

“Do you think him, and Rafael are okay?”

“What do you mean?” Casey asked quietly, tilting her head to look up at him.

“Well, I mean it’s obvious they like you too. And we kissed publicly. They would have seen it.”

“I’ll talk to them when the opportunity comes okay? For now... let’s just worry about us and sleep.”

Ethan sighed with a smile, pressing a kiss to the crown of Casey’s head. “You’re right. Goodnight Casey.”

“Goodnight Ethan.”

--- The Next Morning ---

Early the next morning Ethan rolled over with a groan to turn off his alarm. He didn’t want to get up, but his eyes shot open as he rolled over feeling the empty bed next to him. Panic started rising in his chest. Had last night all just been a dream?

“Casey?!”

He bolted out from under the covers and ran through his apartment looking for her.

“Case!”

As he approach the last room he hoped she would be there and prove that last night wasn’t a dream, but real. He sighed and relaxed seeing her there with her back to the door, music playing quietly from her phone as she plated up food onto two plates. Sensing his presence, Casey turned around and gave him a soft smile before looking at him with concern.

“Are you okay? You look a little worried.”

“I... thought last night was a dream. You... weren’t-”

“Aw! Ethan, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you!” she cooed quietly, walking around the kitchen island and wrapping her arms around his torso, snuggling her head into his chest. “I just wanted to make you breakfast so I knew you’d eaten properly this morning.”

Ethan smiled at the thought of the gesture she wanted to make and returned her embrace, swaying them slightly. “Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince is next.” he said casually, Casey looking up at him with a grin. “How do you know?” she asked with a small smirk tugging at her lips. “I.. may have purchased and downloaded the album on my phone after you shared it with me.” Ethan blushed. Casey smiling at him. “Am I turning you into a swiftie?” she asked. “No comment.” He chuckled before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Breakfast?” he said, nodding to the plates on the side. Casey smiled and nodded, collecting them and taking them to the couch.

At lunch later that day, Ethan sat with Casey at Derry Roasters as they enjoyed coffee and sandwiches, doing their best to avoid the gossip of Edenbrook. But their respite was short lived as two surgical residents entered deep in conversation. Luckily for Ethan, their seat near the door they had taken up helped him eavesdrop on the topic. To no surprise it was about him and Casey. “But you didn’t see it Angie! Oh, I wish someone would kiss me like that!” one resident all but swooned. “Well I heard she done it to get onto the diagnostics team and is only carrying it on to keep her spot.” The other said bitterly, adding “Only whores do that.”

Ethan watched as Casey’s cheery demeanor vanished like warm breath on cool air. He breathed in deeply and slammed his fist angrily on the table, rattling the items atop it. Casey tried to give him a look to say it was okay. But it wasn’t. This is what he had feared, people suggesting Casey slept her way onto the team. They both knew she hadn’t. She loved him and he loved her, yet he was still to confess that to her aloud. All day so far Ethan and Casey had been telling each other to just let people talk, but this crossed a serious line. His chair screeched as he pushed himself up, reaching the two surgical staff in the line in four strides. “Why don’t you try saying it to my face?” he bit coldly, scowling and crossing his arms over his chest. “Better yet. Why don’t you say it to her face?” he added, moving aside and gesturing to Casey who was anxiously watching the encounter. A deep sadness was in her eyes. The two gossiping staff shook their heads rapidly, gulping as Ethan continued to glare at them. “I thought as much. I suggest you keep any ill talk about Dr. Valentine to yourselves and not let me hear another word, otherwise I will have your jobs quicker than an alligator snaps up its meal.” Ethan snapped, turning on his heel and going back to the table. He sat down and took Casey’s hand in his own, running the rough, calloused pad of his thumb over the delicate skin of her knuckles before lifting her hand to his lips and kissing it gently. Casey smiled which cheered Ethan up a little but too.

“There we go. There’s my girls beautiful smile.” He grinned

Casey felt the heat rush to her cheeks as she blushed brightly, looking down from Ethan gaze shyly.

“Hey. There’s no need to be shy.” He smiled

“Yes there is.” She mumbled

“Why then? What’s the need for being shy?”

“My smile. It isn’t beautiful.”

“Casey!” Ethan exclaimed lightly. The thought that she believed her smile wasn’t beautiful broke his heart. “It’s so beautiful. Why would you think otherwise?” he continued on in question, but only got a shrugged response. He sighed and pulled the small brunette onto his lap, allowing her to snuggle into his chest. They watched the world passing by outside the window whilst Ethan finished his coffee, rubbing soothing circles on Casey’s back. She suppressed a yawn, closing her eyes as they got heavier with each soothing motion. Feeling a change in the tenseness of her body and noticing a change in her breathing, Ethan shook her gently.

“Hey. Wake up.”

“mmm no.”

“Come on. It’s not bedtime yet, we have patients to see to.” Ethan chuckled

“nnnghh.” Casey groaned, gripping onto him tighter as he stood up himself.

“Come on. Maybe we can talk to your roommates and see if they’re okay with you staying with me for a bit. Because I love you too much to spend nights without you right now. I need, no want you there next to me.”

Casey froze staring at him with wide eyes full of happiness as he looked back at her, shock spreading onto his face as the realization of what he said kicked into his brain.

“Casey I-”

“No. Ethan, it’s okay.” She smiled sweetly, taking his hands in her own. “I love you too.”

“You love me too.” He muttered to himself. “SHE LOVES ME TOO!” he shouted picking Casey up and spinning her around, the other patrons in the shop cheering as he kissed her sweetly on the lips. He pulled away beaming and she giggled at his childlike behaviour as he spun her again.

“I know I don’t need to ask this, but I like formality as you know. So, will you be my girlfriend?”

“Ethan.” She chuckled, running a thumb over his cheek as she cupped it in her hand. “I’d love nothing more than to be your girlfriend.”

Ethan laughed in relief as he hugged Casey tightly. “I love you so much. You have no idea how much I’ve been torturing myself. But now I can... we can walk into work holding hands. I can kiss you in the halls!...” he trailed off as he thought about how happy he would be. Eyes sparkling with wonder and delight.

“I guess we should get back to work?” Casey asked

“...Hm?” Ethan hummed, coming back to reality as he heard Casey’s soft voice

“Work. We should get back.” She repeated briefly, Ethan nodding as he headed to the door, holding it open for her. “After you.” He smiled, Casey giving a curtsy before walking out the door. “Why thank you, kind sir.” she said with a giggle as she passed. Ethan following behind, lacing their fingers together as they headed back to Edenbrook, laughing and joking before sharing a kiss just inside the main atrium and heading back to work.

“Oh Ethan!” Casey shouted in his direction

“Yeah?” he called back, stopping and spinning around to face her.

“Remember. Let them talk!” she told him with a grin. He smiled and nodded, heading off to where he needed to be with a wave over his shoulder.

--- That Night ---

Casey and her roommate friends were sat around the coffee table, laughing and mocking each other as Sienna helped her to pack away the boardgames they had been playing. Ethan was currently using their bathroom.

“So how long have you and Dr. Ramsey been...?” Jackie asked clicking her tongue as she made a gesture with her hands.

“Jackie!” Casey shrieked. “It’s not the sex that got me into him. I was already into him before our first time happened. He’s not as bad as people say. He’s smart way beyond medicine, he’s funny, caring... his culinary skills bang. Like, I thought I could cook... that man proved me sooooo fucking wrong. What’s my 5 minute stir-fry to his succulent chicken? Dog shit. That’s what it is, dog shit and his chicken is ... well it’s just... mouth-watering.” She continued.

“But is it good? His... you know?” Jackie continued to ask with a mischievous glint in her eyes

“Jackie Varma I am not giving you details on my boyfriends privates!” Casey laughed hitting her with a pillow.

“Pillow fight!” Elijah shouted and the room burst into temporary chaos as they all flung pillows and cushions from the couches at each other. Casey running over to Ethan as he returned. “Babe save me I’m under attack!” Casey exclaimed breathlessly. Ethan laughed, subtly signaling for a pillow. Sienna being the closest passed one.

“Aw. Are they being mean to you?” he pouted playfully, and Casey nodded. “But it looks like so much fun. You were laughing when I walked in.”

“But... you’re my boyfriend now. It’s one of your sworn duties to protect me.”

“Is it now?” Ethan smirked. “Or is it my duty to not spoil your fun?” he laughed as he turned to face Casey fully revealing the pillow he was holding, hitting her with it playfully and laughing.

“You traitor!” Casey gasped running from him to get a pillow of her own to hit him back.

By the time they had all said goodnight and settled in their own rooms it was close to midnight. Casey looked at her walls with a happy sigh.

“Just think... The next time we get to snuggle like this it will be in your bed. For a whole month.”

“mmm.” Ethan hummed contently, drawing small patterns on Casey’s hipbone.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked, sensing something was on his mind

“Hm? Oh. Nothing. I was just thinking how friendships are fun, and I’ve seriously wasted a decade of my life being lonely and focusing on medicine, when I could have had my own group of friends and roommates as amazing as yours.”

“You’re one of us now. You do know that right?”

“I.. am?”

“Of course you are. Whether we ended up dating or not. You’re an amazing person and I think we’d be equally good friends as we are partners. We just click. I love how are thoughts bounce off of each other, almost as much as I love you.” Casey said softly, kissing his cheek and booping his nose.

Ethan smiled at her. “Thank you Case.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know. Never giving up on me? making me feel seen? Including me no matter how much I protest?”

“Ethan. I’d do anything to see you smile. You have the most handsome smile I’ve ever seen. And I want to see it every single day for the rest of our lives.”

Ethan chuckled lightly, leaning down to give her a kiss. “Goodnight my little firecracker. I love you.”

“Goodnight... my tall old man. I love you too.” She teased back.

Together they snuggled under Casey’s duvet and fell into a blissful slumber, ready to pack and move her belongings to Ethan’s apartment the next morning, both excited for the month ahead.

——————

A/N: Two Ethan fictions in one day. I think this makes it clear about one of the characters that’s ine my mind right now, don’t you? 😉😂

Anyways, let me know if you would like to be added or removed from my taglist. It helps a lot knowing who to tag and who not to tag, and I would hate to annoy people by constantly taging them when they don’t want to be.