Just Out of Curiosity, What Have Buffy and Angel Been Linked Too?
Within the show’s run and in other official canon material, Buffy and Angel have had crossover links to:
The Wild Bunch, Dracula, National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Lord of the Rings, Aliens, Buckaroo Banzai, The X-Files, Evil Dead, Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, Doctor Who, and Godzilla.
The “Expanded Universe” Material (Dark Horse Comics before Season 8, the IDW comics, Licensed Novels) add:
Frankenstein, James Bond, The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the legendary figure of Springheel Jack, Sherlock Holmes, An American Werewolf in London, The Wolf Man, King Arthur, Zorro, The Cthulhu Mythos, Tarzan, Hellboy, Predator, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV Series), The Devil’s Footprints, Rosanne, Marvel Comic’s character Cytorrak (the thing that empowers The Juggernaut), Ghostbusters, the Dungeons & Dragons Multiverse, Peter David’s Fallen Angel, and Highlander: The Series.
Buffy and Angel have been referenced by other series as well in the crossover sense. Those add:
Eureka, Simon R. Green’s Ghost of a Chance, Andy Barker P.I., Hack/Slash, Supernatural, Gen13, Blood and Bullets, House of the Dead 2 (movie), Marvel’s Legion of Monsters (featuring Elsa Bloodstone, Morbius the Living Vampire, N’kantu the Living Mummy, The Manphibian, Werewolf by Night, Tomb of Dracula, & Daimon Hellstrom), West Coast Avengers (featuring Kate Bishop, Clint Barton, Gwenpool, America Chavez, Quinten Quire, Fuse, Jeff the Land Shark, Madam Masque, Alloy (Ramone Watts), and Noh-Varr), and American Horror Story: Apocalypse.
Those nods come in works that also reference:
Carnacki: Ghostfinder, Drinking the Midnight Wing, The Monkeys’ Paw, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Halfway to the Grave from the “Night Huntress” novel series, Sonja Blue, Blade (either comics or film series), Solomon Kane, and Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD.
Buffy and Angel have been featured in what I like to refer to as “Megacrossover” tales as well, adding a plethora of other series to the mix. The additions include:
White Zombie, The Black Coats, Arsene Lupin, Marvel’s Brother Voodoo, Child's Play, Tales of the Zombie, Revolt of the Zombies, James Bond, Angel Heart, Duke de Richleau, I Walked With a Zombie, John Thunstone, Kolchak the Night Stalker, Pirates of the Caribbean, Captian Blood, Lorna Doone, Gulliver's Travels, the works of Stephen King ("Jerusalem's Lot"), Leatherstocking Tales, Charmed, Treasure Island, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the original short story), John Carter of Mars, The X-Files, Moby Dick, The Narrative of Arthur Gordan Pym of Nantucket, Mayfair Witches, Doc Savage, The Phantom, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, The Wild West (TV Series), Gone with the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, The Lone Ranger, Martin Hewitt, The Shadow, The Body Snatchers (the story on which Invasion of the Body Snatchers was based), L'Enigmatique Fen-Chu, Atlantida, The Exorcist, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Stepford Wives, Young Frankenstein, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Pretender, Beauty and the Beast (1980s Television Series), Bionic Woman (original series), Modesty Blaze, Knight Rider (original Series), The Equalizer, The Nyctalope, Cyrano de Bergerac, The Three Musketeers, The Scarlet Pimpernel, The Invaders (1950s Television Series), Blake and Mortimer (a Belgian comic), Sâr Dubnotal, Blithe Spirit (1941), Lensman, Simon Ark, Dark Shadows, Semi-Dual (The Occult Detector (1912)), Doctor Strange, John J. Malone, Kenneth J. Malone, Network (1976 film), I Dream of Jeannie, Northern Exposure, Jane Arden, The Continental Op, Nate Heller, Judex, Dr. Spektor, Some Like It Hot, Little Caesar, Scarface, Robin and the 7 Hoods, Dick Tracy, The Big Lebowski, Morris Klaw, Suicide Squad (Novel Series that began with Mr. Zero and the FBI Suicide Squad), Theodosia Throckmorton, John Thunstone, Fergus O'Breen, Rocket to the Morgue, Call Northside 777, "Bell, Book and Candle", Mr. Mulliner, Special Unit 2, The Quincunx of Time, Baal (of Renée Dunan's 1924 novel), Female Vampire (1975 Film), Doctor Omega (a Doctor Who pastiche), The Adventures of a Parisian Aeronaut in the Unknown Worlds, C. Auguste Dupin, Fantômas, The Merkabah Rider, Quantum Leap, Monk (TV Series), The Manitou (film), Simon of Gitta, Meaner than Hell, Kull, Conan the Barbarian, Steve Harrison, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Kung Fu, Indiana Jones, Batman, Something Wicked This Way Comes, House II: The Second Story, Winchester '73, The Quick and the Dead, Hombre, The Lone Ranger, The Pearl of Death, House of Horrors, The Brute Man, John Kirowan, Bran Mak Morn, Carmilla, World of Watches, Nosferatu, Underworld, Black Sunday, The Vampire Chronicles, Vampire City, The Black Coats, The Island of Doctor Moreau, The Most Dangerous Game, The Vampyre (1819), The Count of Monte Cristo, Tombs of the Blind Dead, Lord Peter Wimsey, Waldemar Daninsky, Curse of the Crimson Altar, Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter, P. G. Wodehouse's Works, Viy, The Mummy (1932), Harry Dickenson, The Spider, Varney the Vampire, The Simpsons, Hellraiser/The Hellbound Heart, The Master Mind of Mars (part of Edgar Rice Burrough’s Mars series), The Wandering Jew’s Daughter, and She: A History of Adventure.
Buffy and Angel also have two products that show up regularly in fiction.
One is Sugar Bombs or Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, which appear in Calvin and Hobbes, Marvel’s Runaways (featuring Nico Minoru, Karolina Dean, Chase Stein, Gert Yorkes, Molly Hayes, Old Lace, Xavin. Victor Mancha, and The Swarm), and The Incredibles 2. They also show up in the videogame series Fallout, but that is most likely an alternate universe.
Morley Cigarettes are the other product that has a good travel life, enough to have its own Wikipedia Page. As such, I’ll only mention a few notable cases:
Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead, Murder in the First, Platoon, Psycho (1960), The World’s End (2013), 24, American Horror Story “Birth”, The Americans, Beverly Hills 90210 (1990s series), Burn Notice, Californication, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, CSI: NY, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Dick Van Dyke Show, ER, Everybody Hates Chris, Friends, Heroes, Jake 2.0, Judging Amy, Justified, Lost, Malcolm in the Middle, Medium, Millennium, Mission: Impossible (TV Series), Nash Bridges, NCIS, New Amsterdam, Orange is the New Black, Pushing Daisies, Reaper, Seinfeld, Space: Above and Beyond, The Strain, That 70s Show, The Walking Dead, Twin Peaks, Warehouse 13, Weeds, System Shock 2, and The Twilight Zone “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”.
Obviously, some of these would be alternate universes.
Finally, there are two notable parody examples to bring up:
Vampirella vs. Fluffy. Vampirella has had a LOT of crossovers, so she’s one step removed from Buffy at best, ergo, they probably met and given the tone of the comic, Vampi did not leave too happy with Buffy’s remarks about her outfit, or Willow.
Big Wolf on Campus actually provides a rather respectful crossover, and all things considered, the title character likely met Faith before she came to Sunnydale if taken as a proper crossover.
Totaling things up, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and Angel) have had 10 nods to the Cthulhu Mythos, 7 crossovers with Dracula, 5 with Frankenstein and Sherlock Holmes, 4 with Ghostbusters, and 3 with Doc Savage, Solomon Kane, Evil Dead/Army of Darkness, The X-Files, and Hellboy.
And all that from just Buffy and Angel. Can you imagine what you find when you got a link further than that? Or two links? Six?
To give a hint: The Mythos can add over 200 works, Dracula 160+, 79 from Frankenstein, 17 from Ghostbusters, 24 from Hellboy, 29 from Evil Dead, and 51 from The X-Files. There is a lot of overlap, of course, but it still sets a good idea of just how big this world is.
Now, all Buffy needs is a crossover with Batman, and she’ll have hit the all the major crossover series.
54 notes
·
View notes
WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO
Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017
Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!
(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)
and we're starting with a moment of silence
christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode
fun and jokes on my blog today
oh, and a sombre text crawl
great
someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin
i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight
oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight
woooo
and cena/strowman, which should be fun
but for now, here comes the opposite of fun
in the form of roman reigns
oh, and apparently he's fighting jason
good way to get jj over as a face, i guess
he enters, the crowd goes tepid
recap of cena/jordan from last week
that was a good match
and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match
so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is
if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight
oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match
preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh
and getting punched in his smug face
booker is getting very excited about roman
well, i guess someone has to
roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face
pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied
truly, a man of the people
that's what we all look like when roman's winning things
okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet
but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good
corey claims jj is "driven by failure"
truly, the next great renewable energy source
booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ
jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall
then crossface for a near finish
booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"
you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE
roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin
pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed
tense faceoff
roman gives jj the handshake
that'll do, pig
pan out again, and now charly is there
asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself
after this total bellas ad
he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand
(wait, are they marrried yet?)
cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time
forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead
clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio
cena appreciates that
thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring
throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense
asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long
roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career
cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself
calls him a one-man human centipede
keep it pg, john
cena challenges himself every day to try everything
take that as you will
cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available
not inaccurate
roman calls him a bitch
devastating comeback
roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales
paul heyman's like um
disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy
cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me
crowd goes oooooooooooh
even roman smirks
and swagger off
next up, sasha banks does a thing
after this advert for lesnar/strowman
(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)
and another one for cute kids with cancer
(and the prevention of such things)
and now that's all done with, here's sasha
in an even nicer jacket than usual
fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time
siiiiiigh
i mean, i hate her new music, but still
oh, and alexa's materialised on announce
and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear
first the music, then the space cop gear
where will it end
oh hey, here comes nia
who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress
cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too
like oh hey guys don't mind me
oh, there's still a match happening
who knew
wow, this is tepid as fuck
like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull
and bank statement from nowhere for the tap
so yeah, that happened
still optimistic for the four-way, though
and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka
but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage
(and feeling just fine)
(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)
apparently show got injured
so, yknow, swings and roundabouts
(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)
brock up next
greeeeeeat
after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity
oh wait, shane got suspended
so i guess the number stays the same
just been shot with a mad science aging ray
anyway, yeah, brock is here
which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons
(mcmahoths?)
paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives
paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world
possibly untrue
confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays
paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it
paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that
paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics
and here he comes
brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face
then lands one, braun just stands up like nope
and chokeslams him
this is the shit i do like
and then running powerslam
fuck you, mr lesnar
picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft
then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks
and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt
apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo
what did we do to deserve this
but up next, bray does a thing
after cole tells us about the hurricanes
the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment
by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth
and now here comes goldust
you're not bray
although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos
ah, here's bray
doing a sermon over the tron first
continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint
bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34
booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships
no shit, dude
did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something
bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk
did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though
bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd
proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN
no shit
that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes
finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away
bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing
but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro
and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together
it's not really possible
apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy
seems excessive
but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next
after this advert for the myc final
(it was great, thanks for asking)
seth and dean are on announce
dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition
cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors
dean teaches seth how to use binoculars
and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense
and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them
and then getting in a fight
and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl
gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off
security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match
but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero
and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had
cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight
kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers
crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants
dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman
kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people
dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO
(possible paraphrase)
they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner
oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka
confirmed for raw
but then, we all knew that was coming
pan out to nia watching it like pah
alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people
does a spot-on emma impression
calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no
alexa claims all their troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions
nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week
walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT
up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions
i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG
like
has he ever reused material
well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder
crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city
(which turns out to be anaheim)
like
have they ever watched his segments before
oh, and here's kalisto
one day, elias will finish a song
i have faith
cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre
the man is his own style
i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan
wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?
that'd be great
anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin
speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs
but up next, jaun strowna
after another ad for smackown
and here's john again
he's found his towel again
leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning
so fair enough
cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up
roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever
stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit
wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?
is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down
pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason
braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great
frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it
the crowd agree
i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit
i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still
braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns
they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air
like
i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm
these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz
cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster
cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring
and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq
wait, they're not treating this like it's over
are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them
i understand nothing
and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here
or
wait
they're playing his music
are they playing that as the medics called it off?
i have no fucking clue
charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely
give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher
but up next, miztv with enzo
sighhhhhhh
after this ad for total bellas
(also sigh)
and one for the myc final
(non-sigh)
but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team
seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not
and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?
and decide against it
and then the hardyz
there we go
matt's being even more obviously broken than usual
and here are team miz
maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of
bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet
ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement
maryse is pregnant
and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments
so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting
starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro
what a bellend
dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual
claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse
miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects
i love angry miz
just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you
wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing
see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand
enzo responds by shouting at him about realness
yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do
promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too
miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child
yknow, as you do
cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen
miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once
must be unfamiliar territory for him
miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron
and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope
gets inevitably crotched
enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him
dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care
but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected
ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices
runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off
seth and dean do solo intros this time
they really need to get some kind of joint intro
what would that sound like
who could say
although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN
match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers
matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING
i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother
if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is
enjoyable though
cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway
dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat
seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down
including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside
matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson
sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade
i say 'we'
but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps
(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)
so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!
oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger
fuuuuuuuuuck
daniel, queue something else instead
okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36
yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free
well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy
this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times
wow, this is a long recap
previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)
so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while
and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air
anyway, here's kevin
and i had forgotten how good this announce team was
kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back
so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"
pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit
and cancel the fashion files
right, officially irredeemable now
calls vince out so he can talk business
foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?
doing shane's entrance
sure, why not
kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane
lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it
and off he goes
kevin starts announcing more grand plans
and here's the other man who might have something to say about that
bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist
kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show
bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight
sighhhhh
sort it out, dude
ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince
kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-
so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title
and that last one is apparently up next
after this ad for cena/roman
which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself
and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season
but back to the wrestles, here's aj
and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing
here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly
bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING
but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle
baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face
tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker
aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap
good match
like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours
tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around
and here comes baron to ruin everything
throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor
before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him
someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'
and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands
apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure
so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back
or poorly-thought-out words to that effect
but up next, jinder does a thing
after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is
here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week
and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal
in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig
match graphic for hiac revealed
hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK
surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there
big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly
jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head
a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them
aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke
wow
way to aim high
the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny
oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff
nobody's noticed that
oh, and there's a racist stereotype
people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans
promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists
(while being racist)
transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence
cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner
including a limo for his buddy jimmy
oh hey, here's sami
this won't be awkward
kevin doesn't even try not to gloat
sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you
up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike
(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)
but first, cute kids with cancer again
and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual
(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)
in any case, here are the new day
only kofi and e have made it to the ring
reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp
oh, ok
they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage
seems fair
roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam
new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table
they know how to do their job, who knew
cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason
recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on
oh look, e kicked one of them into it
that was quick
and then jimmy kicks it into e's face
nice spot
kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron
and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick
both commence to beating on big e with it
kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick
beats jimmy with it until it explodes
splinters for everyone
okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate
basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs
kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him
and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night
this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey
jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier
e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin
jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall
and then e takes a double superkick anyway
set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table
and midnight hour for the pin
much tromboning and joviality
shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage
graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english
shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was
oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight
oh right, we're in the women's match now
no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros
naomi's got cool new gear though
and carmella's on announce
with ellsworth on a leash
because of course
all bullshit aside, this is a good match
p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see
-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-
naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang
nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase
aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth
and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap
so yeah, the outcome i expected
so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing
kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show
he freestyles something, kevin is pleased
really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring
more like perestroiKO
and now here's dolph
with his own entrance for once
claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history
wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?
has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley
gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy
has another rant, walks off again
and now he's the ultimate warrior
this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people
has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?
"So this is what it's come to"
dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago
how is this new
has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares
throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK
somewhat ruined the moment, tbh
who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler
back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros
to be fed to alpha 2.0
now in beta
shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics
counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin
nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were
learn to tag, guys
mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off
i smell plot
but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits
daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets
guess that answers that question
so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring
and here comes vince
ain't nobody got swag this floppy
and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit
(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)
kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him
a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies
or possibly that's vince's voice
hard to tell sometimes
oh, again with the body-negative cracks
and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards
i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage
vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws
just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket
vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second
also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day
apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin
the fuck, vince
this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for
vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly
like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable
vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon
so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere
and this is why we consider contract wording, children
ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach
and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days
vince gets up, eats a superkick
kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash
that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him
it doesn't work
kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him
and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me
so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?
sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself
(it might be scott armstrong?)
(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)
right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate
expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday
and expect a decent outro...definitely later
0 notes