#That would be ridiculous. Obviously they are writing each other erotica.

[corsairspade]

Halenthir scenario where they get married for tax benefits (in a platonic good friends sort of way) and fall in love long distance via sending each other letters with ideas on how to best leverage their marriage for tax evasion.

[juniper-and-lamplight]

Podfic Favorites

7/8/2018

I promised a rebloggable podfic rec list, and here it is! I've recced most of these before, so this is more of round-up than a brand-new rec list; it's multifandom, as usual; it's organized alphabetically by podficcer's name; and it's restricted to no more than 5 pods per podficcer. All of these and more can be found in the podfic tag of my bookmarks. Recs under the cut!

A Symphony of Chemical Reactions - what_alchemy, read by @cellardoortumbles | Cellar_Door - 2k, 22min, T, John/Sherlock "Cooking’s just chemistry and time management." Vivid, quirky Sherlock POV in the text +  excellent use of music and sound in the pod = an extra-charming podfic. Use headphones to get the full audio experience!

More Things Than Are Dreamt Of series - 1electricpirate, read by @consultingsmartarse |  consulting_smartass - 38k, 1hr, M to E, John/Sherlock (Harry Potter fusion AU) “In which John is (reluctantly) a wizard, Mycroft is (apparently) omniscient, and Sherlock is (surprisingly) oblivious.” Hands-down my favorite Potterlock fic, and consulting_smartass' podfics are nuanced and immersive -- I've listened to them countless times now.

Sussex - SilentAuror, read by consulting_smartass - 26k, 3hrs, E, John/Sherlock “John can’t seem to stop touching Sherlock. He can push the anger away, but sometimes he just needs to take Sherlock’s pulse again. Slight angst, case-fic, post-Reichenbach.” Ah, nothing like realistic emotional constipation on the parts of our heroes. This was one of the first podfics I loved enough to download so that I'd always have access to it.

The Stars Move Still - BeautifulFiction, read by consulting_smartass and aranel_parmadil - 96k, 9hrs 48min, E, John/Sherlock, AU "What could I want so desperately that would make me sell my soul? What could possibly compel me to surrender the part of myself that makes me who I am: the source of my magic, my self-control, everything?" I avoided this fic for YEARS because I hate Faust, so I was extremely pleased to discover that the inspiration is VERY loose and thus, the fic, and the pod version, is lovely and incredibly immersive.

Carry On - Mazarin221b, read by consulting_smartass - 4k, 35min, M, John/Sherlock "Five times John didn't want to be carried, and one time he did." One of my favorite 5+1 fics, and a perfectly paced short pod.

Left - lifeonmars, read by consulting_smartass - 45k, 5hrs, E, John/Sherlock, magical realism AU "John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible." Honestly, consulting_smartass' talent has broadened my fanfic horizons, because while I'm generally not keen on reading AUs (especially long ones), I'm amenable to listening to them -- and so I don't miss out on fantastic fics & performances like this one.

The Girlfriend Experience, rageprufrock, read by dodificus - 9k, 2hrs, E, Dean/Castiel “While it’s not like Dean hasn’t had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.” Sometimes, when a podficcer's accent is different than the accents in the source material, it just works in ways you wouldn't have expected-- this pod is one of those times.

The Company - Rulerofthefakeempire, read by @dr-fumbles-mcstupid | Dr_Fumbles_McStupid and RsCreighton - 2k, 11min, T, Dirk/Todd "He’s imagined this moment so often that it feels like he just doing it again, waking up with a hangover next to Dirk Gently. And Dirk’s naked." A quietly funny fic, and a quietly funny performance.

Interrogation - goingtoalaska, read by Dr_Fumbles_McStupid - 2k, 13 min, G, Dirk/Todd "Of course Dirk has some extremely important questions that can only be asked in the middle of the goddamn night, obviously." Almost entirely dialogue, and really captures the ridiculous-with-an-undercurrent-of-softness vibe of these two characters.

There's Only One Sure Thing That I Know - leah k (blinkiesays), read by exmanhater - 20k, 2hrs, E, Dean/Castiel "Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest." This podfic is a road-trip standby for me and my Destiel-shipping wife.

A Statue Strong Enough for Two - lady_ragnell, read by exmanhater - 39k, 3hrs 30min, E, Elena/Mithian, superhero AU "Elena is a street-level superhero. A visit from an old enemy forces her to step up and see what she might have to do with the Sidhe who invaded and were sent away twenty years ago. Luckily, she has fellow superheroes to back her up, and a new girlfriend in her regular life to make things feel more normal." In addition to encouraging me to try out AUs, podfic also encourages me to try out rarepairs--I wouldn't have thought to look for fic about these characters, but I'm so glad I stumbled across & listened to this one.

Lab Book - copperbadge, read by FayJay - 5k, 40min, E, John/Sherlock “'The likelihood of finding a cab on Christmas Eve is fast approaching nil.’ 'So was the likelihood of you kissing me in the middle of the pavement, and yet.’” An annual holiday read/listen!

Whatever Remains, However Improbable - ivyblossom and Loudest_Subtext_in_Television, read by @fffinnagain​ | finnagain - 13k, 90min, T, John/Sherlock “The evidence is all there: we know it’s bound to happen. Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are going end up together, aren’t they? Obviously!” An experiment in fourth-person omnitemporal tense. Subtle sound effects add dimension to this podfic.

Diversionary Tactics - shinysherlock, read by finnagain - 2k, 16min, E, Molly/Irene, historical AU "Oh. This could be interesting. Irene’s fingers moved to the third button of the dress and paused. 'Shall I just . . . check the rest of you, then? Make sure you’re quite all right?'" A brief, hot, historical PWP, Mollrene style. UNF. Finnagain's performance is very...impassioned--maybe don't listen in public ;)

Seeing Draco Malfoy - khalulu, read by fire_juggler - 12k, 2hrs, E, Harry/Draco A beautifully done podfic, delivered with warmth and humor. Once I listened to it twice in one week and wound up with the phrase “Nubbumping Humdinger” stuck in my head, and it made me bust out smiling at random times :-)

Let Nothing You Dismay - montparnasse, read by Hananobira - 19k, 2hrs, M, Sirius/Remus "There are a few things Sirius really didn't count on for Christmas of 1979. The extreme sexual confusion is one of them; Remus Lupin is approximately seventy-eight of the rest." There’s a full-on, sensory vividness to the imagery and descriptions in montparnasse's writing, and LISTENING to those words makes the experience even more immersive.

Splendid Night - Katie Forsythe, read by heuristicdevice - 14k, 1hr 30min, M, Holmes/Watson "A Christmasy spin on MILV with a heart-warming dose of H/W." So much miscommunication! I love this fic so hard, and I ESPECIALLY love the podfic. Heuristic Device’s rendering of “now, please,” in a Certain Scene is both quiet and full of feeling, while other sections of the story are infused with audible humor, excitement, and heartbreak, each as they’re called for.

Stately Homes of Wiltshire - waspabi, read by @lazulus​ - 57k, 6hrs, E, Harry/Draco "Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case." Fair warning that listening to this podfic whilst walking my dog led to funny looks from strangers, because it caused me to laugh at loud for no apparent reason.

A Brand of Gold - aquabelacqua, read by @lockedinjohnlock-podfics​ | Lockedinjohnlock – 12k, 2hrs, M, John/Sherlock “What am I doing? he wondered. The answer came back at once: Flirting.” This fic is just plain beautiful, and the pod is one of my favorite performances by Lockedinjohnlock.

Points - lifeonmars, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 54k, 7 hrs, E, John/Sherlock "What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other." Picture it: yours truly, driving alone and terrified through darkness, rain, and heavy traffic…and yet unwilling to turn off this podfic. THAT’S how deep lifeonmars and Lockedinjohnlock took me into this story.

Midnight Plowboy - weeesi, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 5k, 44min, E, John/Sherlock “'Does it feel like I’m sure?' John whispers into Sherlock's ear. Sherlock swallows again." In which John discovers Sherlock's collection of vintage gay erotica. *imagine several fire emojis here*

Half a Dozen Dances - CeruleanDarkangelis, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 19k, 2.4 hrs, E, John/Sherlock "'Seriously? You? You're going to be a stripper?' John tried to keep the amused incredulity off his face. Judging by the disgruntled look Sherlock gave him, he was not entirely successful in this endeavor.'" Typically, stripper fics are just Not My Thing, but the use of music in this podfic sold me.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea - DiscordantWords, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 40k, 5hrs, M, John/Sherlock "Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown." The way the author & podficcer capture Sherlock's voice in this fic feels SO TRUE: his shattered hubris, his desperate resistance to vulnerability, and the believable way he and John finally get through it all.

Senza Catene - Mad_Lori, read by @oncomingtragedy​ - 6k, 1hr, T, John/Sherlock "Sherlock has a secret hobby. One night John follows him to find out what his flat mate is up to and gets the surprise of his life." The one where Sherlock sings opera--cracky but oh-so-enjoyable. The podfic performance includes several musical interludes.

All Life is Yours to Miss - Saras_Girl, read by originally reads - 114k, 11 hrs 20 min, M, Harry/Draco "Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go." Another one I might have missed (due to personal impatience) if not for the miracle of podfic!  The pod is well-performed, and the slower listening process makes the resolution feel even more satisfying.

The Price We Pay for Wings - Frayach, read by @raitala​ - 13k, 80min, M, Harry/Draco "Scorpius Draconis Eltanin Malfoy read the first book in the Alford Ocamy series over Christmas hols when he was eleven. Well, he didn’t so much “read” it as he devoured it." I've recced this a million times before, and I'll keep reccing it because I CRIED ACTUAL LITERAL TEARS LISTENING TO THIS. 10/10 would be devastated by again.

i don't wanna give you up (i don't wanna let you love somebody else but me) - notcaycepollard, read by @revolutionaryjo​ - 3k, 20min, E, Erin/Jillian "Erin Gilbert is not the second or even the fifth straight girl Jillian’s ever fallen for, and it’s kind of getting to be a problem, except when she sees Dr Erin Gilbert, she thinks, maybe, this woman might be a statistical outlier." Closely observed, funny, hot, and the narrative voice is p e r f e c t (both in the text and in the podfic performance).

The Temporal Tornado - novembersmith, read by RevolutionaryJo and Lunate8 - 3k, 37min, G, Carlos/Cecil "A temporal tornado reduced our most beloved scientist, Carlos, into a darling little toddler version of his already darling self, didn’t it? Yes it did, oh yes it did! Plus, a jellyfish migration is underway, a mysterious series of unexplained crevasses are appearing in the streets of Night Vale, and valuable advice is provided on the care and feeding of children." Audio is the only logical format for a Night Vale fic like this one :)

Common Woodbrown - imochan, read by RevolutionaryJo - 36k, 3hrs 40 min, M, Remus/Sirius "'Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there.' In 1985, Remus Lupin realizes that Sirius Black is innocent. Now, he just has to prove it." Both author and podficcer create a sensitive rendering of the angst, fragility, and determination of Remus Lupin.

Sentiment to Paper - mistyzeo, read by RickyPulsifer - 7k, 57min, E, Holmes/Watson "No fewer than three times by the winter of 1883 had I heard Sherlock Holmes disparage the ways of lovers and their irrational tendencies toward writing letters. With this often and loudly-expressed opinion in mind, I was very surprised indeed to find a stack of unsent, unsealed letters in a drawer in his desk." RickyPulsifer’s podfic is a quiet wonder of smooth pacing, emotive delivery, and thoughtful production.

Splendid Creature - mistyzeo, read by RickyPulsifer and the_dragongirl - 2k, 20min, E, Holmes/Watson "Holmes has tired himself out on a case and wants to go straight to sleep. After an orgasm or two. Watson is more than happy to help." A sleepy, steamy PWP featuring a transmasculine Holmes, read by two podficcers whose voices work together beautifully.

Cold Snap - MirithGriffin, read by verityburns - 5k, 34min, E, John/Sherlock “The Mayo Clinic prescription for hypothermia is this: Tea. Blanket fort. Sex. All right, it doesn’t come right out and say that on the website. But Sherlock can read between the lines.” Verity Burns' delivery nails both the snark and the sweetness of this fic.

First Night Out - verityburns, read by the author - 3k, 22min, M, John/Sherlock “As John recovers from the effects of a brutal kidnapping, he and Sherlock attend the Yarders’ Christmas Party. There are… developments on the dance floor…” I loved this fic for YEARS before I listened to the podfic and realized that the audio version–read by the author herself–makes it exponentially more charming and more intimate.

Further fic recs | Fic bookmarks

[ellana-ravenwood]

Costume Party - Jason Todd x Reader (eroticaish)

Another one of those short story (at least shorter than I usually write) cause I don’t have much time before work, but still wanted to write something. Hope you’ll like it, especially you @demigodslytherin (I’ll wrote one with this prompt for Draco or Sirius another time ^^) : 

IMPORTANT WARNING : THERE IS SOME PARTS THAT ARE "EROTICA” ! THIS IS NOT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE UNDERAGED, I GODDAMN MEAN IT. Like there’s cute and sweet feelings in the mix, but also…smut, so if you’re not 18 or more, or if you’re not comfortable with that sort of things etc etc, this story ain’t for you. I have tons of other very SFW story, for averyone to read, and if you wanna check those out instead, it’s right here, on My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives.

_______________________________________________

You weren’t fond of parties, and neither was Jason...So it’s a wonder really, how you two ended up here, at one of the biggest costume party of the year. 

Drunk out of your mind. 

You don’t even agree as to how things actually happened. 

You believe that you got dragged to this party by Dick and Barbara, and he thinks you actually came here on your own will after Bruce said he had invitations to it, but had absolutely no intentions on going because it was full of “the youth of Gotham” and he was getting tired of those “20 years old girls and boys that accosted him to hit on him and flirt shamelessly with him, while he was obviously not interested”...besides, he couldn’t go through the hassle of finding a date for that in time, and had important cases to work on. So you took the invites and went in his place...

You were both right. Bruce gave you, Dick and Babs the invitations, but you and Jason didn’t wanna go, wanting a calm date night instead...But of course, his brother and your best friend wouldn’t hear it and indeed dragged you there with them. You grumbled all the way through, and grumbled some more when you arrived at the place and discovered that it was PACKED with people. Oh and the kind of people you disliked : the rich fuckers of Gotham City that thought they were better than anyone else. Not the rich people like Bruce, who genuinely cared about their city and such...No, their sons and daughters, who were born in wealth and thought that it made them the best. Urrh. You hated those guys so much. Coming from a poor neighborhood, they always were so rude to you ! And the number of time you heard that you were dating Bruce Wayne’s son only for his money...

If any of those assholes told you that tonight, you were gonna loose it. Especially since you really didn’t wanna be here. 

The only good thing about that all ordeal, was the fact that it was a costume party, and you loved getting in a costume. Though that particular night you didn’t have much time to actually prepare anything (again, dragged by Dick and Babs), and ended up in a generic princess disguise you had in your closet, while Jason put on a pirate costume. 

Paparazzis took at least a thousand pictures of you, Jason, Dick and Barbara...”Bruce Wayne’s children out with their girlfriends to the biggest costume ball in Gotham” would be the headline of every newspapers the next day. 

You didn’t get it. It was so uninteresting to know that you guys went there, like, who cared ? Apparently, lots of Gotham folks...They loved the pictures especially, so you made sure to give them a show by making stupid and weird faces on each of them. 

Bruce thought it was the most hilarious thing ever, how you hated being a public figure so much...but he also thought it was very cute that you would endure it because you loved his son. He liked you. You and your sass. Also, you were of a calm nature, so he thought it was perfect for Jason, you were able to tame him down most of the time. 

But tonight ? Oh tonight, things went downhill pretty fast, and the first thought you had was : “Oh man, B’s gonna be so disappointed in me !”. Of course, he wasn’t, but you sure weren’t the one that would “tame Jason down” that night. Oh no. You usually never drunk, but because you were so mad about being dragged to this party, you accepted the vodka Dick handed to you and...Oh you were gone so fast.  

It took you and your boyfriend less than an hour to get angry drunk. 

“Angry drunk” was how Dick would call you whenever you got drunk, because it happened rarely, and it happened only when something was displeasing you.

You had made it clear all the way from the Manor to here, you did not want to come, but alright, to make your friends happy...

And so. Here you were. Disguised as a Princess, clinging to your boyfriend’s arm as so not to fall, in a place full of...people. Ew. 

A few girls tried to approach Jason, but each time, he answered them by kissing you passionately, and making everyone around you two awkward. When some guys came to flirt with you though, as Jason was getting more drinks, you had to call Dick and Babs screaming “EMERGENCY” for them to come and help you stop Jay to jump on those men. 

He yelled at them a few : “MY GIRLFRIEND ! MINE !” and then turned to you and...oh his drunk self was always so sappy. 

-I love you (Y/N), my sweet, precious, beautiful (Y/N). Please spent your life with me ? 

He pulled you into a hug, and you chuckled, because your drunk self was just as cheesy and with a kiss on his nose you said : 

-I love you too Jay. My handsome, way too tall, cute Jay. 

-Cute ? 

-Cute. 

-I’m not cute, I’m tough...

-...and dangerous. Sure my favorite teddy bear. 

-...Oh you asked for it ! 

And as if you two were the only people in the world, he started to tickle mercilessly, making you laugh way too loudly...and somehow, that tickle fight turned into slow dancing. 

Really, you two when drunk were impressive. 

Oh but here, in his warm embrace, was your favorite place in the world, and you probably would have fell asleep if he didn’t start to kiss your neck...

And boom, you two ended up in the toilets, making-out. 

It was one of those fancy “private toilets” thing, where each toilets had their own little water room and all...and you definitely took advantaged of it. Though your drunk selves struggled a bit, you still remember how sweet and adoring he made love to you...Even though it was in the toilets. 

-Have I told you I love you today ?

He asked while filling you slowly, thrusting up and down tenderly.

-Yes. 

-Oh. 

-So you’re not gonna say it again ? 

-It would loose its meaning if I say it too often. 

-Of course. I l...tolerate you. 

-I tolerate you too. Oh, and to Hell with it, you know I always mean it and always will : I love you (Y/N) (Y/L/N). 

-Fancy that, cause I love you too Jason Todd. 

-Great. You’re my princess. 

-I’m not a princess I’m a fearless pirate ! 

-I thought I was the one that was the pirate...

-You only have the costume, deep down, you’re a..

-Princess.

The fit of laughter that took over you and Jason right in that minute was probably heard all throughout the venue, and people were probably wondering what you guys were up to...they totally thought you were having sex in there, and here they hear loud giggles...That quickly turned into moans. Oh ok, so you were having sex. 

************

You don’t really remember who’s ideas it was but...Somehow, along the way, you ended up switching costumes. 

When you put your clothes back on, you took the pirate costume, he took the princess one...you were wearing an overgrown pirate costume (Jason was quite a giant compare to you), and he was wearing a princess dress way too small for him, and a tiara. Of course. 

When you got out of the bathroom, thankfully, the first people you met were Dick and Babs, and not paparazzis. The oldest Wayne boy, looking his brother up and down, calmly said : 

-What the fuck ? 

You shrug, and Jason says : 

-I don’t know. I’m her princess. 

Laughing some more, you slump yourself against him for support, and your eyepatch, which is also too big, slips from your eye and cover your mouth, which of course, makes you laugh more. 

Jason giggles like a schoolboy, and..Yeah. Right. You two are drunk. You’re always the most hilarious people when drunk. Dick and Babs look at each other, rolling their eyes to the ceiling, and spent the rest of the night making sure no one takes picture of you. Good brother and best friend. 

But of course, something happen. Something always happen. When you go out with Jason, things never go smooth. At some point, he either gets in a fight, or your sass get the both of you in trouble and..he gets in a fight. 

And the problem of today ? His princess dress. 

He’s way taller than you. Way larger too. His muscles are ridiculous. And of course...the costume starts to rip as you and him dance like crazy people in the middle of the venue. And of course, because this is a fancy pants party full of fancy pants people, it isn’t “right” that one of the guest is dancing half naked (though you know everyone is lying when they say it made them uncomfortable...your boyfriend has a very attractive body, and instead of getting jealous at the women flirting with him, you just smiled at them, kissed him, and basically showed them that they had absolutely no chance, and the way he only looked at you, with eyes full of love and adulation, convinced them all to just drop it). 

A security guard came to the both of you to tell you Jason has to wear more clothe and your boyfriend’s response is what sprout the troubles : 

-Bitch please have you seen me ? I’m a princess. 

And of course you two had to fall on the ONLY security guard of the place that was super short tempered. The man didn’t even think twice, and started to grab Jason to throw him out...nice try. 

Jason threw him across the room (it was a reflex really, someone grabbed at him aggressively, he throws him across the place), but before it could really turn into a fight, Dick and Babs jump in and drag the both of you through a back door, where a car waits for you guys. 

Alfred. Oh the Wayne’s savior. Dick and Barbara throws the both of you in the car, and tells the butler that they’ll get home on their own, going to Babs’ place. With a “be careful” he drives home. 

And oh Alfred is too old to cary Jason (or you) to his bed, and so he leaves the both of you behind the car, asleep in each others’ arms...and as he gets into the kitchen to fix something for Bruce to eat when he’ll come back from patrol, he also make his miracle “hangover eraser” and leaves it for you and Jason on the kitchen counter. 

************

You’re the first to wake up. With a searing migraine. 

As you tear yourself out of his embrace, Jason opens his eyes too and...Oh no, he closes them right away. Too bright. Everything is too bright. 

You two manage to drag yourself to the kitchen, and God bless Alfred and his miracle “hungover eraser”, you drink it all up (God it’s disgusting) and just stay there, half-asleep, looking more like undeads than anything else. 

You thank Alfred as he comes in to cook some breakfast for you and Bruce, and he just smiles at you two. 

When Bruce comes down to take his breakfast, he stops and just stares at you...With a very confused look on his face he asks :

-...What the Hell happened to you two ? 

Yes. You do really look like zombies.

Also, you’re wearing a pirate costume that’s too big for you, and the chocolate mustache Jason drew on you during the party smeared all over your face, as if you dumped your head into a chocolate cake mix. 

Oh and, Jason is wearing half a princess’ dress. 

The look you both give him, empty, blank, makes Bruce understand that, well, that must have been a Hell of a party. He almost regrets not going. 

Almost, because clearly, it had been a Hell of a party because you were together, probably, alone it wouldn’t have been the same...and as you starts to fall asleep on his son’s shoulder, and he lays his head on yours, slumping an arm around across your back to give you more support..He knows he’s right. 

___________

Written in 7 minutes. It’s pretty shit. But it’s a short shit so it’s ok (if that even makes sense). I’m gonna write more of those “fast short stories”, cause I have a few sentence starters that I want to just write short things with compare to my usual long shit and IMMA SHUT UP NOW. 

[tokyotheglaive]

eyyyyy wanna do kylux for that meme?

damn straight I do

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Kylo, obviously, is the werewolf. He revels in the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake, and he has some unorthodox methods for transforming when he needs to and his body (the damn useless thing, he thinks of it, at least when he’s a human) isn’t cooperating. Hux is a hunter, an ex-soldier who received an offer his pride and ambition wouldn’t let him walk away from. He has to work with those dreadful subhumans (Kylo) and he hates it, but he’ll be in charge soon, so he’s willing to deal with it. Besides, what’s better, claws or a bullet? (Bullet, Hux says. Kylo asks if Hux would like to spar hand-to-hand. Their methods are different and they often sabotage one another. The progressive brinksmanship they go to makes them a terror for their enemies who don’t know what to expect next.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Kylo is the mermaid, damn straight he is. (Really, he’s only half, and it’s that half that pisses him off. His father was a human, something he’ll never live down. He kills anyone who reminds him.) He hopes to flood the entirety of the earth because it’s the humans who are killing the planet and they no longer deserve to live. Hux is a glorified informant. He masquerades as a fisherman so he can go out on the waters alone and report on the human’s movements. He, unlike Kylo, doesn’t want the world drowned but instead the humans enslaved and himself installed as the emperor of all of the lands. (He doesn’t care about the ocean, not one bit.) They hate each other. Really.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Kylo’s the witch. He’s got an eclectic set of spells under his belt and a tendency to do the types of magic that land people in hot water. Hux goes around as a cat, taking pleasure in shedding all over Kylo’s black robes. He’s an adept magician himself, though he prefers to let Kylo do all of the gruntwork.

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

The day Hux doesn’t order some ridiculously over-caffeinated drink that probably tastes like acid and bog water will be the day Kylo resigns because Hux and his absurd coffees are the only bright spot in an otherwise bland job. Kylo gets his name wrong on purpose and Hux leaves him passive-aggressive notes on napkins to get his attention.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

nope, no thanks

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Kylo’s the prince--willful, arrogant, and brash. He’s going to get himself killed one day and Hux knows it. (Hux is more than okay with this, but he’s being paid to make sure it doesn’t happen, so he’s trying his best.) Hux isn’t a knight, per se; he refers to himself as a specialist, whatever that means, and attempts to keep Kylo on a tight leash. It doesn’t work, they clash, and honestly, they have to stop breaking beds belonging to unsuspecting inn-owners, it’s really quite rude.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Hux is the most universally-despised teacher in the system. He teaches advanced physics and has a reputation amongst students for being a complete and utter ass. Several students sign up for his classes because he’s hot; he quickly weeds them out. Kylo’s got twins (because of course he does). They’re not anywhere near old enough to be in Hux’s physics course, but, being the little troublemakers they are, they break into the physics suite on a dare. The resulting conference, in which the home room teacher (Mitaka), Hux, and Kylo all sit down to talk about this “broach of protocol” as Hux keeps saying, is absurdly uncomfortable, mostly because both Hux and Kylo are both having their first Not Now, Boner moment since high school.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

Kylo’s a writer and a damn diva. Hux, his editor, thinks he’s full of himself (and hot air) and frequently tries to dissuade him from writing any more by quoting statistics about book sales and the rise of the internet. Kylo doesn’t give a single flying fuck and continues to not only churn out ridiculously over-the-top books (the action ones are invariably over-dramatized and never sell; the romances, on the other hand, are written under a pseudonym and sell like fucking hotcakes). Hux wishes Kylo weren’t half so attractive because seriously, seriously, it’s just difficult. (Hard isn’t the word Hux would pick. Nope. Not at all. What’s hard is editing his absurd dark erotica. Hux has to keep looking things up to make sure Kylo’s not just making up random things. He’s never seen this level of filth in his life. (He’s loving it.))

[superloves4]

#Haleth has never paid taxes before moving to brethil#And is FUMING about the idea. So she sends a letter to Caranthir who mentioned something about *evading* taxes#In this setting I guess they part on good friendship terms#She visits him for a crash course in tax evading and they get drunk and someone mentions marriage giving you tax benefits#They wake up the next day and decide “you know what. Let’s actually get married for tax evasion purposes. It would be hilarious”#Up to you whether they get married in the elven way or just in the human way#Haleth fucks off back to brethil with a bunch of gifts from Caranthir like “bye bestie” and he’s like “👍. Bye bestie.”#And they strike up a proper correspondence#Because they’re married obviously#not because they’re having fun talking about loopholes in the tax code#That would be ridiculous. Obviously they are writing each other erotica.#All of Caranthir’s brothers find out because Caranthir ticks married on his tax return#Maglor voice: YOU GOT MARRIED? AND YOU DIDNT INVITE US?#Caranthir voice: It was pretty low-key. Now tell me. Did Fingolfin cry upon seeing how I leveraged my marriage for tax concessions.#Literally all his brothers: various sounds of sudden realisation this is a tax scheme#half of them don’t even believe haleth is a real person. She might have just been made up for tax reasons#Obviously this leads to a comedy of errors and classic finwean snooping#at one point Haleth hits one of Caranthir’s (half) cousins with a shovel for snooping#claims her name isn’t haleth (despite all her people calling her Haleth) and dares them to call her out on it#they can’t btw she is terrifying

Asolutely delightful

Halenthir scenario where they get married for tax benefits (in a platonic good friends sort of way) and fall in love long distance via sending each other letters with ideas on how to best leverage their marriage for tax evasion.