#That I'll reread in the future

[shallyne]

If I could write smut it would oveeeeeer for y'all I swear

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s8 episode 13 “per manum” thoughts

guys... it is per manum time.

i’m SHAKING over here, omfgggg. i’m ready. but also, and in a very real sense, i am NOT. 

so, i know a little bit about what happens in this episode… but not much. i’m excited and nervous and a bunch of other things.

i’m curious to see if doggett will be here today, or if he got the day off after so many scully absences

let’s GO! i’m ready to CRY!!!

(post-episode thoughts: Y'ALL... this might be my longest post yet. if it isn't, it is definitely up there in a place of honor, like second or third.

so, i pinpointed the exact moment i fell in love with doggett, because anyone who wants to save scully is absolutely swoon-worthy to me. GOD, his loyalty... and then i fell MORE in love with him at the last scene over how gentle he was. god. oh my god. i'm down bad for a guy named john.

there is SO much to unpack here, and i will do my very best. but just... i'm crying. i love them. i want them to all be happy.

i was so SAD!!! because scully and doggett were both upset, and doggett didn't know why she was acting like that, and he seemed really hurt because the truth is very important to him, and scully was SUFFERING AGAIN, OH MY GOD???? WHEN DOES SHE GET REST?! in the present day AND IN THE FLASHBACK SCENES!!!! which i ALSO HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT!!

but in the end, the big secret i was wondering how long would last was disclosed, even if terrifying new possibilities were raised (and if the plot is... confusing). and now, hopefully they can understand each other better and be partners with full trust in each other...

except, she might still be going MIA for a bit, so who even knows if they will get a CHANCE to be proper trusting partners? and even if they are, it will still hurt because he isn't mulder... *breaks down in sobs again*

she just wanted it to be okay. and then her... the way she... and he... gestures vaguely and cries more.

i need to just get started or i'll begin analyzing the whole episode before i even under the "read more" line. wow... a lot to say. genuinely tearing up, it isn't even hyperbole. they fucked me up with this one)

we begin with a “previously, on the x files…”, which means shit is gonna go DOWN

so let us begin with the uncomfortable recap of scully’s abduction arc and the rows of human ova. yeah. it still icks me tf out. i’ll have to write a think piece on that someday. and mulder plucking hers up. 

and crying scully telling skinner that the impossible has happened!!

yes, yes, i remember all of this. 

okay. now some other lady is giving birth. this feels intimate. i’m not sure i’m supposed to be seeing all of this. 

oh god, i’m gonna have to watch scully do this at some point…

LMAO, girl... i think you’re past the point of starting over tomorrow, kath. 

(reminds me of that time one of my teachers in high school told me she was screaming about not wanting to do this anymore while in labor. and i was like yeah, dawg, i am not doing that shit. why did she tell me that? we were in geometry)

okay, um, where were we?

the nurse is checking, the monitor is going sicko mode, and the doctor comes in and click click clicks on the computer. and declares there must be an emergency c section! she’s freaking out! naturally!! she doesn’t know wtf is wrong! 

he says they’ll take care of it. 

the father of the baby (named duffy) leaves for a second to scrub up, but the doctors LOCK THE DOOR ON HIM. guys, that is NOT COOL, you said he could be there??? 

needles needles, no, no, no, ma’am... she’s begging them not to let anything happen 

EAUGHHHHH, i don’t wanna see the surgery... no no no nooooo nooo la la la, i don’t like it, nooo

she says she can’t feel anything and something must be wrong and i am lightheaded. woohooooo. okay. okay. hang in there, hang the fuck in there.

girl, i can’t look, why is there squirming... she wants to seeeeee

they take the baby out, but it’s not normal, like it’s weird... but okay, a lot of babies are weird.

oh. it sounds like a goat though. that isn’t super normal, i don’t think, but what do i know?

ohhhh, it is an alien, okay, yeah. well. that’ll do it 

she wanted her husband back!!

damn. alien baby. fucked up.

reading my notes back like that is actually super funny. let us take deep and calming breaths as the theme music relaxes us.

intro time. our boy mulder is here today, EVERYBODY CHEER!

still taking deep breaths. paranormal activity. scully serve. baby. moon. mulder falling. eyeball. truth is out there. let’s get fucking going!!!!

we open with an ultrasound photo! scully seeing the baby!! trying to judge if she is showing yet. don’t worry girl, you've got a little bit more time before you have to tell people, lmao. but you're cutting it close.

GOD, i cannot believe she is gonna have a baby... i’m gonna CRY.

she’s staring in the mirror. trying not to tear up. i'm in pain.

goes down to her office. and down there is duffy! the husband from before! who was having an appointment with doggett!!

oh no, he says he knows her. is he going to spill everything…?

oh, he contacted her 8 years ago. yeah, so that actually was not her he spoke with, then. he talked to mulder about his wife being abducted by aliens. but now she is dead.

he just keeps saying she is dead, she is dead, she gave birth to an alien. doggett confirms that he did write to mulder years ago. doggett is watching her. she asks him to start from the beginning. they sit down.

kath was a multiple abductee. one procedure would give her cancer, another would cure her. close up on scully’s face. continued closeup as he says they implanted an alien embryo in kath.

she asks for medical proof, and he passes an ultrasound, saying that anyone with a trained eye can see it is weird. especially for a woman who was never supposed to be able to conceive.

it looks blurry to me, but that’s about it? again, what do i know.

he says they’ve gone through 3 sets of doctors. they killed his wife and stole her alien baby. doggett is still watching.

scully says they’ll be in touch and seems very thrown off.

OH GOD. things are tense:

“thank you, agent doggett. i’m sure the rest of my afternoon can’t possibly be so amusing”

“i thought you’d find it interesting, actually” he sits down.

“interesting? as in preposterous and outrageous?”

“well, unless i’m mistaken, you already knew that man’s story”

she looks confused

“the abduction, the tests, a bout with cancer, then a remission”

“what exactly are you getting at?” she walks closer

oh my god, my blood is running COLD

“that’s your story, agent scully. i’d say right down to a tee”

DON’T ATTACK HIM SCULLY, HE DOESN’T KNOWWWW... there are tears in her eyes and her mouth is open

“i mean, except for the pregnancy” she keeps staring. “it’s all right there in the x files” 

he seems confused and she seems confused we are all confused. she turns to stare at the files. yeah, he did read 'em all. and he just wanted to HELPPPPPP, MY GOD....

“well, i appreciate your thoroughness, agent doggett, and your familiarity with the x files cases in those cabinets, but my personal files are my personal files, okay?”

she’s barely holding back tears now. “sure, of course" he shakes his head as she walks away, absentmindedly walking into an elevator. 

and then this must be a flashback, because mulder is here! he has been looking for her all over!

she had a doctor’s appointment and he immediately clocks something is wrong. even if she says nothing is the matter.

“i’m… i’m sorry, i haven’t told you, i don’t know why i haven’t. i mean you were… you were always there for me during my illness, but, um…”

i’m holding my breath over here.

he leans in. “don’t make me guess” <- is he worried she’s sick again?

she tells him she cannot conceive “and i am not ready to accept that i will never have children” 

wait, he knew that though, right? because he had her damn ova. and didn’t they talk about it after emily?

oh WHAT? well, he says there’s something he hasn’t told her either… “i hope you forgive me and understand why i would have kept it from you” 

ohhh no... now he has to tell her. 

I COULD HAVE SWORN THIS ALREADY HAPPENED THOUGH?? am i crazy? can someone please let me know. tysm.

well, she is obviously gagged that first of all, he broke into a facility and FOUND them, and also that he didn’t tell her, but she was dying at the time, and he didn’t want to give her more bad news!!

and it was bad news... because the doctor said they weren’t viable. she pushes the elevator button. she wants a second opinion. it closes most of the way. he tries to open it. they lock eyes and he lets her go.

GOD, the way she looks at him trying to hold the doors open and then shakes her head a little and looks away… and he lets her go. FUCK ME.

back in our time, doggett runs into scully, who is standing in the corner of the elevator looking incredibly out of it. “agent scully? what are you doing?”

“um, i don’t know. i guess i just forgot to push the button” <- ohhhh, poor thing. she was just sitting in there. terrified.

and now he opens the elevator! “i wasn’t exactly clear on what you wanted to do about this guy haskell. about his wife’s story”

“there’s nothing to do”. 

he nods, and lets the door shut

oh GOD, this is CRAZY already. i need a sip of water.

scully is off to the genetics company that made the ultrasound for kath.

it seems to be totally empty. but she hears faint voices. knocks on a door. hears someone screaming that she is afraid. a doctor is talking to ms. hendershot….

it’s the doctor we saw before!! at the start of the episode!! from the emergency c section alien baby! saying it is different, and he would know, because he knows both cases!

scully is peeking in and then runs away. hides in a closet FILLED WITH WEIRD BABY CORPSES PRESERVED IN FLUID?? oh my fucking GOD, get her out of here???? literally WALL TO WALL FUCKED UP BABY CORPSES. 

she investigates…… holds her head up next to the cases.

THE DOCTOR WALKS IN!! poor scully is on the SPOT!! she says she is here with her friend and worried!!! and i love that she cannot lie to save her life.

he tells her ms. hendershot is fine. and that she can’t be back here. no one mentions the giant closet of dead babies. pretty large elephant in the room.

she gets home. calls the number on her ultrasound.

she calls dr. parenti, and tells him she is afraid. asks him to compare an ultrasound to hers. he’s not in his office. IS HE PLOTTING SOMETHING WITH THE OTHER GUY??

“dana… are you going to be okay?” she says she’ll be okay. not sure i'm buying it, though.

THIS PARENTI FUCKER IS IN THE BABY CORPSE ROOM!!!!! unboxing an alien baby!!!!!! another one???

guys…. we need to do something now.

okay, flashback to months ago now: her meeting dr. parenti. he tells her that there is a chance. and she FALLS DOWN, saying it is too good to be true.

scully, my baby...

he says the odds are good if they start soon, and she wants to know if they can start right away. he says, well... you do need a father. did you have a donor in mind? and SHE DOES, SHE JUST NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ASK HIM, OH MY GOD??

back to the current time period. she is really beautiful. dr. parenti says the ultrasound looks fine to him. “why do you ask that?” <- YOU KNOW, YOU FUCKER!

she thanks him. and as he leaves he SAYS SHE HAS TO TELL THE FBI AT SOME POINT, LMAOOOO, OH GOD. HE CALLED HER ASS OUT: “can’t keep it a secret forever, dana” 

she does not wanna think about all that, LMAO, her face. but i can't laugh too hard, because i know this parenti fucker is up to evil.

OH GOD, DOGGETT GOT A CALL IN THE OFFICE FROM DR. PARENTI ABOUT AN ULTRASOUND... OH MY GOD, SHE SAYS IT WAS HERS….? HE IS LIKE "COME ON SCULLY, THAT WAS ONE OF THE DOCTORS THE HASKELLS WENT TO"

oh my GOD, i just watched that scene and i was not breathing:

“excuse me, agent doggett, but are you investigating me?”

“no, i was doing a background check on mr. and mrs. haskell before i dropped the case, like you asked me to”

“no, i didn’t ask you to drop the case. i said there was nothing to do”

“well, if there’s nothing to do, then why are you investigating?”

“you are jumping to conclusions”

“no, i’m just trying to do my job, only it gets hard to do if the person you’re working with is keeping secrets and telling lies” <- DAMN!!!!

cut her some slack, bro... she’s in a tough place :(((((

she gets close to him. “i am not investigating these people, agent doggett. parenti is my doctor. is that so strange?”

we see him thinking….

so like…. is he putting it together? because she said there was an ultrasound… some people get those all the time, i guess it doesn't have to mean anything…

did the doctor leave a message or just talk to doggett? because that has to be a hippa violation.

lmao. he called her a liar, though. there is something sickly funny about that in these circumstances. she IS lying. and she IS bad at it.

“is there something about him i don’t know?” her concern seems legitimate.

“no. but duffy haskell is a piece of work, i’ll tell you that much”

a class act in conflict de-escalation.

we’re actually just taking the conflict elsewhere, because duffy is now with doggett and scully in skinner’s office!! he was sending mulder threatening letters as president of MUFON ohio. he wrote to dr. lev saying he would kill her if he hurt his wife. which he says did happen; dr. lev “stole the alien baby out of her womb” <- well. this isn’t making you sound less crazy, man.

scully is making this face, lmaoooo 

doggett is like well, i can’t even find any documentation that you were married, let alone that dr. lev is in any way suspicious. something sickly funny again about him calling him a liar. he said that alien baby was out of wedlock.

skinner says it’s a crime to threaten anyone. haskell turns to scully and asks if she believes him. turns to scully again. says there are other women out there just like kath. 

they all look at each other.

haskell leaves, calling someone on his phone. HE CALLS DR. LEV?? reports that they poked holes in his story. which dr. lev tells him they knew would happen. says they’re still risking losing hendershot. “then it’s time to let her go” CUT SCENE TO MORE CREEPY ALIEN BABY WITH DR. LEV??

WHO IS THIS DUFFY GUY.....?

scully comes home….

resting her hand on her abdomen. someone knocks at the door. jump back in time. it’s mulder. she welcomes him in; asks to take his coat. OH, she’s nervous. he can’t stay. he has to get back to the office.

OH, she already asked him, so she’s making him answer now. “it’s not something i get asked to do every day”, he says. she’s scared.

“look, if… if you’re trying to politely say no, it’s okay, i… i understand” <- she’s not looking at him. it is too much to look at him.

he, however, is looking straight at her. “see, as weird as this sounds- and this sounds really weird, i know- but i-i just wouldn’t want this to come between us”

oh, she’s crushed. “yeah. i know. i-i understand. i do” she looks at the ground.

“but. the-the answer is ‘yes’” <- LMAO, OH GOD. what did he do all that for? oh my god, her FACE, AND SHE HUGS HIM :(((

HIS DUMBASS SAYING HE’S A PRO AT THE DONOR PART, OH MY GOD. and he leaves for the office before she can really start crying.

god, he was in and out of there... LMAO, he was scared af to have that conversation!!!

we should unpack that at another time.

back to her apartment in the present day. alone. but we get a knock on the door. who is it??? the gunmen?

it’s hendershot!! she tells scully her baby is in danger, and so is her's!! GIRL!!! this is escalating!!!!!

now it’s 3 in the morning in washington DC, and doggett is…. somewhere? meeting skinner and scully at a diner!!! he wants his coffee black, mind you!

oh, he came here though, at such an hour. skinner says thanks for coming down. scully is looking far into the distance.

doggett asks if she’s going somewhere. skinner explains with HR formality that she is going on a leave of absence. “hey, great” HE’S TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE... but also he sounds deeply sarcastic. “can i ask why?” “no” 

he turns to skinner. “so i’m the x files now? just me?” "agent scully isn’t quitting the FBI, she’s just going away” she won't say anything...... making skinner do all the talking....

he stares at her. she’s looking away. “thanks for getting me out of bed to give me the news” he gets up to leave. “drop me a line if you get a chance”

DOGGETT, PUT IT TOGETHER... i feel bad for him, omfgggg, but like it’s RIGHT THERE, BUDDY, COME ON!!! YOU’RE SO CLOSE! she still won’t look at him. 

skinner says she has to tell him. she tells him she can’t.

she runs out after him: “agent doggett?” (very tense pause) “i want you to understand”

“what is it you want me to understand, agent scully? the secrets or the lies?” <- STOP, I FEEL SO BAD FOR BOTH OF THEM :(

“i told you… i’m not doing anything behind your back”

“you’re supposed to watch my back, agent scully” <- oh shit…. he has a point... but he doesn't KNOWWWW why she is doing this...

skinner comes out behind her. “if i was putting you at risk in any way, you can be sure that i wouldn’t let you down. i hope you know that”

“i only know what you tell me”

she turns to skinner. says she has to go.

and hendershot is in scully's car!!! doggett asks who that is. skinner says he doesn’t know.

doggett gets in his truck. 

scully and hendershot are off to a research hospital. scully explains to a team of doctors that hendershot believes she is about to give birth to an inhuman baby.

she has no medical records. hendershot explains they killed her friend who knew too much.

the doctors says they will induce labor now. 

OH SHIT! scully tells the doctor she isn't the only one in danger…

doggett is looking at an ultrasound… when some guy name joe comes in the office. asking why he is sitting in the dark. “i’m in the dark pretty much most of my time on the x files, joe” <- STOP, I FEEL BAD FOR HIMMM :(

he was running haskell’s prints…. they found out that haskell has been dead since 1970!!! what?!!! 

damn, they’re hooking hendershot up to some stuff at the hospital, and scully is right next to her, and i’m gonna have another incident where i almost pass out, huh?

she asks scully how long it will take. “probably somewhere between four and 12 hours”, she answers, in medical mode. scully squeezes her arm. hendershot tells her she’s afraid. says she had a boyfriend, but she looked at the dates, and there’s no way... and now she’s sure it was an abduction.

the doctor calls scully over and loads up a tape. she’s getting her own ultrasound. she looks at it, smiling. “i see what would appear to be a healthy baby at 14 weeks” <- HOLD ON, I GOTTA DO SOME MATH... so she’s 3.5 months pregnant, so it has to be like…. august? september? sigh, i don’t fucking KNOW!!!

why did they say that line about mulder being gone in may?? had they NOT said that, we would be FINE, even if that means some of the episodes were out of order, but nOoOoOo!!

scully asks if she is sure. the doctor asks if she wants to know the sex. she just says she wants it to be okay. so they’re gonna do that other test with the amniotic fluid.

meanwhile…. doggett runs out and catches a guy named knowle on the street! he says he needs to know about the haskell fingerprint NOW. knowle says he could be intelligence... he claims there is no conspiracy. but doggett wants to know for scully :(

OH GOD, now they’re doing the test on scully, and tbh i always wondered how that stuff worked. and the answer is: a giant fucking needle. LIKE COMICALLY LARGE, DAMN. 

doctor tells her she needs to take it easy after the procedure, and she once again mumbles that she just wants to know if it is okay. oh god. poor thing. i don’t wanna think about membranes rupturing. she better lay her ass down.

(as i edit my notes i am now googling this procedure to see what sort of stuff it can tell you and how severe it is. eek. makes me dizzy)

do not move, girl, i’m serious. she sees the VHS…. gets up. girl, i told you not to do that... but whatever.

takes the tape out. sees IT IS SOMEONE ELSE’S?? THE FUCK?? 

scully goes to get ms. hendershot and tells her they have to go NOW. starts getting the needles out of her. 

what the FUCK is going on?

doggett is running for skinner. asks how to get to scully right away. they’ve all been misled by this haskell guy. he thinks it’s a setup. he needs to get scully, wherever she’s gone.

skinner says she’s safe at a hospital. OH DAMN, HE SAYS “look, this involves doctors. doctors who may have killed pregnant women. now, a hospital could be the worst place in the world for her. TELL ME WHERE SCULLY IS” 

yeah, it is official: i love this man.

and he tells her. doggett instructs him to call security now and runs after.

scully is trying to smuggle herself and hendershot out. but the doctors notice patients missing.

and a friend of doggett’s says to follow them!! it’s knowle!! do we trust him??

hendershot is really pretty….

they’re leading them into a black van. she asks who they are and he doesn’t answer. and they are speeeeeeding out. the men are medics. but SCULLY, NO! SHE GROANS IN PAIN BECAUSE SHE JUST HAD THE THING DONE and shouldn’t even be on her FEET!!!

they are being chased while hendershot is in labor, because of course she is. scully says you HAVE to stop the car, and knowle tells her no. and she says you HAVE TO!!! so they finally do.

time to have a baby in the back of the woods. 

knowle grabs scully, claiming he’s making sure she doesn’t hurt herself, it’s for her own good, but obviously she is NOT taking that laying down and swipes at him, calling for hendershot. calling her first name.

and they sedate scully. while hendershot is giving birth and screaming, and scully hears the weird goat baby bleat as she begins to pass out. and someone is flashing a flashlight on scully. 

she wakes up…. somewhere???

was that knowle or not???

she’s got a million tubes hooked up to her. and calls out for doggett. WHO IS SITTING NEARBY!

“lie down agent scully, you’re not taking any more chances” HE GRABS HER SHOULDERS AND MAKES HER LIE BACK DOWN, OMFG… he is not risking a damn THING with her. “what happened to me?”

“you’re okay, you’re fine" little pause "and your baby’s fine” (OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD) she sighs in relief. “but you’re very, very lucky”

(nah, i'm tearing up just editing these notes... he was sooooo gentle. FUCK!!!!!!)

so what happened?? she’s back at the same hospital she tried to run away from?

allegedly, hendershot is fine, and her baby is fine too. but scully is convinced they switched her alien baby with another one they had on hand. they’re saying she overreacted, that it was really her ultrasound- just an old tape they taped over.

and he sent the men who came to get them: “they say they saved your life. how can i question that, standing here?” 

(fuck. actual tears as i edit this. whyyyyyy)

“it was all planned. you know that. from the moment that man walked into our office. we used to get at ms. hendershot’s baby and now we are being used to cover it up” she lays back down. “oh my god”

(she must be realizing she exposed herself and will now be brought into their trap.... i guess, that is, if they didn't already know)

“at least you’re okay” <- but is she??

“why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.

“i was afraid. afraid that they‘d use it against me to take me off the x files so that i couldn’t find mulder” <- OH MY GOD??? she thought they would use it to keep her away from finding him??? like she was too closely involved or something? or would it just be a convenient excuse by the higher ups to get her out of the way?

he grabs her shoulder. leans in close “i told you i’d help you. i said we’d find him”

she tears up. he walks away.

back in her apartment. she finds mulder sleeping on the couch, so i guess we’re back in time. he says he came back and waited, he must have dozed off.

she’s crying. “it didn’t take, did it?” “i guess it was too much to hope for”

he pulls her in for a hug as she cries. “it was my last chance”

he kisses her forehead: “never give up on a miracle”

and i think she kissed his cheek, but it was hard to tell... hold on, let me rewind. she hugs him. 

back in the modern day, still in her hospital bed, she rests a hand on her abdomen.

the end

WHAAAAAAT THE FUCK. 

oh my god, first thought: WHAT IS GOING ON? is scully okay?? what happened to ms. hendershot? was it really an alien baby?? scully seemed convinced they switched her baby out… and doggett seemed to think something weird was going on, too…

and they brought her back to the hospital… and the tape thing actually seemed plausible, but why would they take care of scully and hurt hendershot? it makes no sense… and scully heard the goat noises, but she was getting sedated… and it WAS her doctor who was in the alien corpse room…. so maybe he was lying about everything looking okay…

well, these plots never make any fucking sense, so i honestly think i would just be wasting my time trying to piece it together. tbh.

head in hands... yeah. i do need doggett. 

but in a way that is actually about scully, because there is NOTHING hotter than a man taking care of scully. everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, including someone as tough and reckless as scully. the way he was holding her shoulders down so she couldn’t get up... telling her he said he would help. letting her know he meant it. GOD.

trust seems to be SO important to him, which is sick and twisted for a show with the occasional tagline “trust no one”. he is just a good GUY, and he is stuck in this situation.

and OHHH MY GOD, he was so angry and confused, and he knew scully was lying, but he didn’t know about WHAT. she wouldn’t tell him, even thought skinner said she should, because she knows the hard way not to trust anybody. and of course she doesn’t trust him after he was sent initially by kersh to watch over her, and of course she resents that he isn't mulder!!! she had tried to sneak away from him before, and he was like "don’t do that again". and other times he got frustrated and didn’t understand her point of view, so she didn’t want to tell him, and she was scared because how was this happening? what if something happens? and also, what if they used it against her to take her away from looking for mulder? and oh my god. oh my god, i just... i need to lay down.

and GOD, mulder keeping that secret from her (that i frankly thought they already talked about, LMAO)

so i assume that part took place sometime in s7? and he waited for her at her apartment and fell asleep on the couch. and she cried because it didn’t work. and he told her to never rule out a miracle, and there is a miracle... but was it?? was it a miracle?? or was it someone playing god and abusing women??

oh my god. 

hold on i just. i need a breath. 

okay, i’m not done, i am not fucking DONE.

skinner being dragged into this at 3 in the morning and doing all of the talking, explaining to doggett that she was leaving… fuck me. how do you think that conversation on the phone went?

and then doggett was so mad, because he KNEW she was lying. but she wasn’t doing it to be malicious, she was SCARED!! and she had EVERY REASON TO BE!! but he didn’t know that!!

and that he thought she would be interested in the case, but she immediately shut down because it hit too close to home, and he was thinking “why is she getting mad?”. he just accepted that he crossed a line with her personal files even though they were in the x files... 

and then when she said that it was her doctor who called about an ultrasound, he just thought she was lying because it was too weird to believe, and then he was like wait a minute… what is going on here…

GAHHHH, when he came to skinner and said you need to tell me where she is NOW, that was the moment. that motherfucker snatched my heart with both hands. he had some moments that definitely warmed me up to him (his get well soon card, awkward comforting, carrying scully to the hospital) but that was it, bro. i’m all in now. he is my friend. i will kiss him on the forehead.

and the trust he placed in her, particularly in the last episode, must have made the lack of trust she displayed toward him sting all the more… when he said she is supposed to watch his back, GOD, my heart was hurting…. she was trying to explain without explaining, and he said “i only know what you tell me”

and holy fuck, i thought i was going to faint at that last scene. the way he made her lie back down, told her to stop taking chances, she’s fine, your baby is fine, just… oh my god. grabbing her shoulder. saying he told her he would find him. for a man like him, his word is everything. 

i’m gonna fucking CRY.

and terrified but brave scully, after just having had a procedure done that put her at risk, going to get ms. hendershot out because she HAS to do the right thing no matter what, oh my GOD. she had to get her to safety. and then trying to get to her while she went into labor and having to be restrained and sedated… and thinking she saw what she maybe really did see…

and being so scared because how did this happen, is it really a miracle, or is this another terrible thing that was taken from her? and those horrifying baby corpses she ran into, and knowing that this is a possibility now- how can you keep going on with life like that didn’t happen? like it isn’t looming over you? like when the clock is up it might be… 

god. just. oh my god. 

i do find the whole abduction arc and lack of agency thing pretty, um. how do you say... gross. but in terms of scully’s pregnancy arc, idk exactly where it is going, so i can’t have a fully formed opinion yet.

i do know what i think happens at the VERY end, and i have my thoughts on that, but until we get there, my lips are shut.

fucking…. doggett… scully… 

is she going to still go on leave? but where could she even go? if this really is part of the conspiracy, there isn’t a place she could go to be safe. which is fucking horrifying. god. the sort of cosmic terror of intergalactic conspiracy just was made real for me. which i think is a good thing. means the writing finally paid off.

i’m also struck by skinner in all of this, who had his own life changing field trip with doggett and realized he was Good, and he can’t make that choice to trust him for scully, but he tried to get her to tell him. i was honestly worried he would just tell him, but he didn’t say anything at all until doggett basically gave him no choice. and then as soon as he said where she was, doggett RAN out the door. 

and mulder… poor mulder, never having that conversation with her, because when would the right time be? and he finally does and she’s hurt- of course she’s hurt- he holds the doors open. but she won’t look at him and so he shuts them.

and then when she finally gets him to her place to answer, she’s so nervous she asks to take his coat. he says he doesn’t want it to come between them and she starts to cry. she wanted it to be HIM. specifically. the father of her baby. she knew before she even got in that office. she just wasn’t sure how to tell him that.

and he’s so awkward as he says yes in a prolonged fashion that she thinks is a no, because he really means it- he doesn’t want anything to come between what they have, whatever you call it, or however you put it into words or don’t or can’t…

and then he was WAITING there the day of, fell asleep on her couch, holds her while she cries, kisses her forehead, tells her not to rule out a miracle… and what may be a miracle finally comes when he’s gone. fuck.

and from scully’s perspective, she just. tells him in an elevator that she can’t have kids and she isn’t ready to accept that. so he admits he has known and has had her ova the WHOLE time. of course she is shocked that 1. he FOUND them in a government facility and 2. he KNEW that the whole time and never told her, and of course he didn’t tell her because she was dying, but then when would a good time to tell her be?? from her perspective it still hurts, he still kept that from her.

and she gets another opinion, and when the doctor says it might work she FALLS, sinks down, wants to begin right away, not even thinking that isn’t something she can just do, she has to ask him.

when she does she’s so scared. can’t look him in the eye. thinks he is saying no and tells him she understands, it’s okay, it’s okay. but he says yes and she jumps into his arms. he makes a stupid joke and he leaves before they can think about it. 

and then it doesn’t work, and she comes home to him sleeping there on her couch, waiting for her, having to tell him it didn’t work. the tears in her eyes having sat there on her ride home, him trying to give her some privacy and not come with her because you know she wouldn’t let him, she’s fiercely independent. so she drove home in silence. and when he sees her he knows. brings her in. she stands on her tippy toes to rest her head on his shoulder. he leans his forehead against hers and kisses it, telling her that miracles do happen. 

and then. he vanishes.

and the juxtaposition of him prying the elevator doors open and then doggett doing the same as she stood there, having not pressed any buttons at all, lost in remembering… and he knows something weird is going on, but knows it doesn’t matter if he asks, because she won’t tell him…

but now he knows. and she is reminded that he meant his promise. they will find him. he doesn’t say things and not mean them. 

and then factor in his own personal angst about hearing she’s having a baby, and is worried about if that baby is even a fucking human or not, after his own experience with losing a child- not a baby, a child he saw grow up-

and i don’t think he’s told her about that, and he sure isn’t going to want to now, but every time she does something or says something it will bring back all of those memories he had with his own boy and the pain of losing him again…

well. fuck.

it is safe to say that i enjoyed this episode, even if the giving birth and needles freaked me tf out. luckily, i can just reread my notes to rewatch it all over again without seeing that! woohoo!! 

and i think the next one is a two parter, but i see it mentions reyes, which i am SO excited about!!! because i do not know a damn THING ABOUT HER!!  i’m READY FOR ANOTHER WOMAN ON THE SHOW THAT ISN’T DIANA, YEAHHHHH

is she going to be doggett’s new partner while scully is away? but again! where is scully going to go? is there anywhere she can hide? because if there was nowhere i could hide, i would want to keep working just so i could find mulder! but that might put you in even MORE danger, so what is she to do?

oh, scully. 

and now i have to deal with knowing a two parter is coming and that it’ll probably take me 2 weeks to watch them both, LMFAO. but somehow i will be very brave and get through this. even in the heat. the terrible heat. i will push through.

well damnit, now that we have seen such suffering, i want everything to end happy-ish even more now. i’ll keep brainstorming my happy-ish ending au. like i always say, not TOO happy. but they all hold hands forever and ever. the end!

i am VERY curious to hear what you thought of this episode. did this one also make you fall in love with doggett? did you cry?

(groans and explodes)

[natgoodmans]

books read in 2025 🤍

books read so far: 89 reading goal: 100

as always, askbox + dms are open if have any questions or would like to chat about books! you can find me on goodreads here, and on bookstagram here. 🤍

♡ indicates any new favorites; ⊹ indicates a reread.

january ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. writers & lovers by lily king 2. the art of memory collecting: 15 scrapbook, collage, trinket and zine projects for crafting treasured moments by martina calvi 3. tom lake by ann patchett (audiobook) ♡ 4. our town by thornton wilder ⊹ 5. beloved by toni morrisson 6. promise me sunshine by cara bastone (arc) ♡ 7. days at the morisaki bookshop by satoshi yagisawa & translated by eric ozawa ♡ 8. small things like these by claire keegan (audiobook) 9. beartown by fredrik backman ♡

february ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. the fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkien (audiobook) 2. i'll pretend you're mine by tashie bhuiyan (arc) 3. sense and sensibility by jane austen ⊹ (audiobook) 4. the lonely city: adventures in the art of being alone by olivia laing (audiobook) 5. everything i learned, i learned in a chinese restaurant by curtis chin (audiobook) 6. tiny moons: a year of eating in shanghai by nina mingya powles 7. sorcery of thorns by margaret rogerson (audiobook) ♡ 8. more days at the morisaki bookshop by satoshi yagisawa ♡ 9. mysteries of thorn manor by margaret rogerson

march ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. an enchantment of ravens by margaret rogerson (audiobook) 2. white ice: race and the making of atlanta hockey by thomas aiello 3. lost and lassoed by lyla sage 4. holy terrors by margaret owen (arc) 5. swift and saddled by lyla sage 6. circe by madeline miller (audiobook) 7. a dark and drowning tide by allison saft (audiobook) 8. intermezzo by sally rooney (audiobook) ⊹ 9. my side of the river by elizabeth camarillo gutierrez (audiobook) 10. four weekends and a funeral by ellie palmer ♡ 11. the bell jar by sylvia plath (audiobook) 12. the break-up pact by emma lord 13. love lettering by kate clayborn 14. the partner plot by kristina forest 15. the rom-commers by katherine center 16. emily wilde's compendium of lost tales by heather fawcett (audiobook) 17. dolls of our lives: why we can't quit american girl by mary mahoney & allison horrocks (audiobook)

april ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. you between the lines by katie naymon 2. my not so perfect life by sophie kinsella 3. a quantum love story by mike chen (audiobook) 4. the siren of sussex by mimi matthews 5. the love wager by lynn painter (audiobook) 6. you belong with me by mhairi mcfarlane (audiobook) 7. puck and prejudice by lia riley 8. swept away by beth o'leary 9. great big beautiful life by emily henry (arc) 10. second first impressions by sally thorne (audiobook) 11. i who have never known men by jacqueline harpman ♡ 12. the belle of belgrave square by mimi matthews 13. the kiss countdown by etta easton 14. lovelight farms by b.k. borison 15. the wedding people by alison espach (audiobook) 16. the ex vows by jessica joyce 17. deep cuts by holly brickley 18. remember me? by sophie kinsella 19. here we go again by alison cochrun (audiobook) 20. the most wonderful crime of the year by ally carter (audiobook) 21. mistakes we never made by hannah brown 22. when you least expect it by haley cass (audiobook) 23. pitcher perfect by tessa bailey (arc) 24. the next chapters: an on the same page novella by haley cass (audiobook) 25. on the same page by haley cass 26. it happened one fight by maureen lee lenker 27. hello stranger by katherine center 28. ps: i hate you by lauren connolly 29. the rose bargain by sasha peyton smith (audiobook) 30. out on a limb by hannah bonam-young 31. make the season bright by ashley herring blake (audiobook) 32. flirting with disaster by naina kumar 33. first-time caller by b.k. borison 34. welcome to the hyunam-dong bookshop by hwang bo-reum, shanna tan (translator) 35. funny story by emily henry ⊹ 36. the guest cat by takashi hiraide, eric selland (translator)

may ⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

1. evenings and weekends by oisín mckenna (audiobook) 2. the dragon's promise by elizabeth lim (audiobook) 3. the examiner by janice hallett 4. i want to die but i want to eat tteokbokki by baek se-hee, anton hur (translator) 5. the manor of dreams by christina li (arc) 6. lonely castle in the mirror by mizuki tsujimura (audiobook) ♡ 7. john proctor is the villain by kimberly belflower ♡ 8. the crucible by arthur miller, christopher w.e. bigsby (audiobook) ⊹ 9. in a not so perfect world by neely tubati alexander (audiobook) 10. the vanished birds by simon jimenez 11. time is a mother by ocean vuong 12. promise me sunshine by cara bastone ⊹ 13. straight white men / untitled feminist show by young jean lee 14. before we forget kindness by toshikazu kawaguchi, geoffrey trousselot 15. passion project by london sperry 16. the killer question by janice hallett (arc) 17. the cat who saved books by sōsuke natsukawa, louise heal kawai 18. bibliophobia: a memoir by sarah chihaya (audiobook)

[dekubreaksbones]

Post-canon Shigaraki Tomura fic recs

Japan v. Shigaraki (2237) SCOJ No. 4401 by anubisisms

Shigaraki's trial, through social media, newspapers, and texting applications.

The More Things Change by LandofWordsandNonsense (Lieutenant_Nonsense)

Second in a series, and not focused on Shigaraki. Check out the first fic first.

Natshig [Natsuo X Shigaraki]

The Todoroki In-Laws by aphrodaisyacs

Natsuo and Shigaraki match on a dating app, 10 years after Jakku and 7 months after Shigaraki was let out of prison on parole.

Househusband Simulator by aphrodaisyacs

A regular day in the life of Shimura Tenko, Natsuo's househusband.

i'm not tryna be with you, now (but i could be your crush) by constellore

Natsuo flirts with barista Shigaraki to piss off his brother, but manages to get himself a real date.

[floretissogay]

last tgr post for the day but there's so much interesting stuff about the law exam plotline... bryson threatening him about it, the idea that jeremy might flunk on purpose, the fact that he didn't particularly even want to pursue his current english degree, the way he keeps trying to study and failing and picking up the french books instead, him putting off signing up for the exam, laila being disappointed but not surprised, everyone else being horrified that jeremy won't continue playing exy

[verkomy]

I'm reading Silmarillion and I have to be honest I got lost after chapter 3 but I still love it and I’m staying for the vibes cause it scratches my brain in such a perfect way and I can make annotations and notes and just have fun

[the---hermit]

13|12|2023

Today was a day of simple joys. In the morning when I was in class I realized how good it feels to sit in that room. It's the polar opposite of what I was feeling last semester in my protohistory class. In February I felt out of place, I was uncomfortable and I felt frozen in place unable to talk to people. In this class everyone is just so casually nice. People smile at you and say hi simply because they have seen you there before, even if you haven't really talked. It's such a calm and relaxing vibe to be in for someone like me. And again I don't really know anyone here so it's the people there making a difference. After class I met up with two uni friends and we had sushi for lunch and walked around the city and after we said goodbye we continued texting each other for hours. I realized how comfortable I feel with them, and it's absurd. I was already friends with one of them but this new friend joining us somehow makes me feel like our friendship got deeper. I am truly comfortable and relaxed when I am with them. I don't feel the pressures I normally feel when I am out meeting and talking people, I am just old silly me and it feels great. I feel like I am healing from a lot of things thanks to them, and one year ago I could have never imagined to form such a strong bond with someone I met just a couple of months ago. I feel really grateful about this, which is also why I wanted to record this joy in this digital journal of mine.

[orcelito]

It is Now

My birthday 😌

I am now 27 💃

[khreborns]

[blightbear]

16 from the codex prompts!

hiiiii, thank you <333

oc codex prompts

16. a conversation between your OC and their best friend

I don't talk about Hal (they/them) much, just because I haven't had time to really develop them as well as the others (I have a general outline down, it's just more of the finer details I need to work on). They're Mori'na's best friend from home, and they show up in a couple of letters I have written for that epistolary wip that's been sitting in my folder for well over a year.

So here's a small conversation between Mori'na and Hal, before she was to go out on a hunt.

──

“How long has he been running around?” 

A hum. “Since just before sunrise I believe.” 

“How much has Deshanna got the poor boy doing these days?” 

“Not much, he just takes on more than I think he should handle.” 

“So he can beat himself up about not finishing everything later?” 

“Precisely.” 

“And how much longer before you head out?” 

A sly grin. “Oh, about two knocks ago.” 

A shake of the head, a chuckle. “You and your brother both. Two ends of a rope, both frayed.” 

“Don’t be shy, I know we the only thing that entertains you around here.”

“What about elfroot?” 

"Would elfroot be as enjoyable without company?"

"Maybe so."

Starts to leave. “Look after him while I’m gone, I don’t want him driving himself into a sleepless insanity.”

“You’re putting me on Bohean duty? I have tasks of my own you know.” 

A pointed look. A pause waiting for an invitation.

“Very well.”  

A kiss on the cheek. Spinning to leave, a wave of the hand. “Be home in two days time.”

“I’ll be sure to count on three.”

[unproduciblesmackdown]

being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.

truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh

that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x

[boomerang109]

thinking about wwda azula

[racewinner]

beloved comforting yet deeply unsettling interactive fiction 7 days in purgatory apparently ISN'T abandoned, just won't be updated until it's finished, my day is made

[crushsung]

thinking about the way alice and adam first meet. they have a smoke together, she holds onto his wrist while he lights it for her. he's immediately smitten, she's pretending not to notice. it's the first time we see adam actually be nervous around someone. it's the first time we see alice's demeanor sort of soften. quiet, intimate tension.

[dostoslaysky]

before i read it i kept seeing recommendations and reviews that are saying madame bovary is good. but like i read it myself and i hated it? genuinely hated it. i finished it but i hated it. lol. so everytime i see madame bovary with a 4/5 stars review next to it i was like ????

[mistninja]

Just sold my Brandon Sanderson books and I got ripped off but whatever it's quick money