#Teenage Time. bad relationship etc etc yea it fucked me UP. doing a lot better nowadays but it still permanently altered my brain. like ok

[orcelito]

like ok

> has very definite Trauma Things from various times in life > has difficulty remembering some of them for Various Reasons, while others are. way way way too vivid. > has continuous difficulty sleeping, including a variety of reoccurring disturbing dreams coupled with a general apathy about them (refusal to call most of them nightmares bc most of them im not actually scared in, which kinda rly says smth about me mentally, i think) > general avoidance of Trauma Things > general negative reactions when Trauma Things r brought up

uhmmmm yea ok

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[anonil88]

I guess I can liveblog me watching the premiere of Genera+ion and I'll be honest im only watching this because Justice is in it haha.

Genera+ion Ep.1 liveblog

This is rated TV-MA so watch at your own discretion.

Spoilers below as always

I'm glad this girl is wanting to call 911 which tbh she should of just called 911.

Chester:

Hi Chester this is cute but that would have been a dress code violation. Well at least this is realistic because he is getting a dress code write up.

I dont know how high-schools do this now but they had a bin of alternative clothing aka old school merchandise and extra gym clothes for you to change in.

This is semi realistic to how kids would talk to teachers in high-school aka not knowing the concept of boundaries.

Chester and Jules Vaughn would get along if only to steal eachothers clothes.

Oh he plays sports and is popular.....

Yea my alma mater high-school would have been like heres another violation because Chester is just walking around on school grounds like this:

Nooooooo please not another student/teacher relationship brewing. I hope this ends up just with Chester having a crush that isn't reciprocated but he learns and grows from it. I thought teacher student relationships were messy and gross even when I was in high school with a teacher crush.

Oh he's sad and alone but is super popular.

Wait Nathan is really at this party and is real and they are going to meet.

Yea thats not something to joke about Chester, even if it was like some repressed just sad phrase that sparks concern in a lot of people.

Who was that girl?

Who is this girl?

Where's Nathan? Uh what is going on? This is weird. (The setup of this conversation and the writing of the coversation is just weird and feels like something that wouldn't happen.)

Greta:

Someone has a crush? Or maybe she just compares herself a lot to this other girl.

Ana seems so fun. Ay I love this kid lmfao he is playing video games in a wig.

Oh she is gay.

This is how arguments with teenagers sometimes go as an adult, you just stand there like huh while they blow off that hormonal anger.

Uhhhhh this girl is a homophobe with gay parents.

So these stories do move in tandem got it.

Her story is so short by comparison

Nathan

What the fuck kind of p**n is this damn kid watching? Hot dogs?

They are self censoring themselves in a arguments? Just dont cuss at your parents and then you won't have to yell because who the hecking first place told you etc. etc. This sterile ass family calendar, ew.

The sibling chemistry when these two are supposed to be buddy buddy siblings is so so dry. They don't even feel like siblings.

Hydroflask sksksks

Oh he was drawing on her arm the entire time what does it say.

They are bringing up the savior feminist person that every single generation has.. That person always brings stuff like this up in the wrong class like math.

So their relationship is sour already? Huh?

Oh there is a church in this school or is it just

A dick pic?

Uh why would she record that? That is fucking weird especially because she is his little sister and she was snooping. All of this because he took a pic of her?

What a bitch threatening to out him (Even as someone who was outted i really am tired of this storyline being told time and time again in regards to queerness. Also its usually always happening to very non femme white m_n), and she is really low key homophobic. No wonder she's friends with that other homophobe girl. Why does she care if he's gay.

What high-school student is listening to Jessie Ware at a house party?

This is why he was freaking out? Because he got a little cum in his eye. Weird as fuck.

OH thats his sisters boyfriend's cum, oof. But who sleeps with their siblings brother? Especially a sibling that they were super close with? Revenge? For what?

Does he like this girl too and that guy since he's apparently bi.

This writing of this show is again sigh.

Oh it was her house party, why the fuck would he write that on his friend fucking weird. Me and my friends wrote on eachothers arms in high-school but it was drawings of pigeons and gloomy bear sometimes song lyrics. He wrote property of.....that's weird as hell.

Who is she i wanna know more about her?

And its over.

Overall: for a pilot this is meh very very lackluster, which is a bad sign for a pilot. There is little that makes this show special to me from the first episode. Which special can come from a lot of things but this episode did not have that special thing. I am going to watch the other two uploaded episodes to get a better idea of the show. I do think this show is much more realistic than a lot of other teen dramas. In terms of the scenarios happening are more palatable and the moments of 2nd hand embarrassment are realistic. Those moments thats are supposed to be funny or give you a chuckle feel very dry. In general the writing is......

I do think people who are adverse to programs like Skins and Euphoria (which euphoria is realistic but has dramatics and is very in your face about heavy topics) will enjoy this. This reminds me of shows like Degrassi and Grand Army with a bit more "grit" and not as graphic as other teen shows. Warning there is still some mentions, alluding to, and depictions of sexual encounters and p**n. If anyone else watched or watches this show im interested in your thoughts.

[cassyapper]

loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

[jean-and-ali-liveblogs]

Ali, I know it's not comfortable to talk about homophobia, so you don't have to, but I was wondering if there was a time when you were ever worried to say to your family or to friends like jean that you are a lesbian? do you think things are better in Poland for LGBT than in countries like America?

(You asked easy question and I went of and just rambled about stuff, sorry. You can kinda skip the start of it and start reading from “I did go to one Pride parade once“ to get a feeling for how it feels in Poland)

Ali: I can’t really talk about Poland overall,  because I had a lot of luck, I think. I already talked about that in one post during CYM liveblog 

https://jean-and-ali-liveblogs.tumblr.com/post/182872527674/ali-ughgh-but-you-could-maybe-just-maybe-just

So, adding to that, I don’t really want to say “Poland is great for LGBT!”, because I can’t really know for everybody. I was lucky enough to find myself in environment that was supporting of me, but I am sure there are people who didn’t have that luck, and I don’t want to predend there aren’t people who suffered, that just seems ignorant and offensive. In the end I think it’s a mixed bag. There will be always people who won’t care what or who you are, there will be always people who will hate you for who you are. 

As to Jean, uh, what went down with him many many years ago was a bit complicated. The way he found out I am gay, well, it was a long and complicated and messed up story in which everybody involved got hurt. We were 14yo and we didn’t know what we were doing and I, ugh, I kinda cheated on him with a girl. And I am kinda putting myself in a really bad light here, summarizing it like that, but well, I did fuck up back then! And you know how now Jean is like “Connie and Steven should stay as friends, falling in love with your friend always ends really badly”? I kinda think that’s my fault. Still, after half a year in which our friendship was completely obliterated by us, we worked things out and apologized and forgived each other. This days we just laugh about all the idiocy we cominted when being teenagers. And Jean is friends with that girl too. She is not with me anymore, she now lives with her kinda wife and they are raising kid together. Also, that whole tragedy taught me how important communication in any kind of relationship is! That one day when we sat down with Jean in coffee shop and spent five hours rehashing everything I did wrong and he did wrong and what to do to never have it happen again is one of my most cherished memories. 

As to my parents, I was worried, I was worried a lot. I didn’t really have any reasons to be though. My mom just figured out stuff on her own, and asked me if I am gay, so I told her then. It changed nothing. Oh well, it changed one thing, now she had another thing to fret about over me! Whenever I was going out somewhere with my girlfriend, my mom would be always like “Be careful, don’t hold hands outside, people can be mean to you”. I always found that heartwarming,because it wasn’t “Don’t show who you are, because it’s shameful and what people will say?”, it was “Don’t show who you are, because I am worried you will get hurt by people who don’t understand”.

To my dad I came out by myself, but that was rather ridiculous discussion of me asking “So, dad, did you know that girl who used to visit us was my girlfriend?”

“Yes”

“Oh. Um. Cool!”

The end. 

I do think he was somehow umcofortable with that. But never made me feel bad about it. And I honestly don’t even know if he was actually umcofortable about the gay part or just “I don’t know how to talk about love with my daughter”, because he was never too good with emotions. 

I did go to one Pride parade once in my life, when I was in high school. Totally by accident. I was just in city center and there was a parade getting ready to start - which I had no idea was planned. I was just going to ignore it, but it turned out my classmates were there so I “marched” with them, more for the sake of hanging out with them rather than for the sake of parade itself. It was curious experience. On one hand we passed a lot of people who set themselves with banners saying “Homosexuality is evil”, “You are dirty” etc., on our way. On the other hand, when we were passing apartaments people were waving and smiling at us from windows, and some old ladies threw flowers all over us from balcony. So, like I said, “mixed bag”. 

When I went to Uni, I didn’t really plan to come out to anybody. But it all kinda happened by itself? One girl asked me if I am lesbian, so I didn’t see a reason to lie. She was like “YAY, I KNEW IT!” and I was jealous because I can never tell just by how somebody looks like. And since I am studying psychology, homesexuality is talked about by professors rather regularly. 

In fact, there were three situations that really stayed with me. 

One was when our lady professor derailed her own lecture for 15 minutes to tell us about her “dream wife”. She would need  to know how to cook! Because our poor professor doesn’t know how to cook. And she would love to have a breakfast served to bed by a beautiful and loving woman. 

Other one was when our genetics professor spent half a hour preaching about a “homesexuality gene” . He was really passionate about it. “We should not predend we are all the same! We are born as white or black or straight or gay or woman or man and we are all different and it’s beautiful! Why do we get so hang up over that? It would suck so much if everybody was the same. How boring that would be!”

And the last one was during a practical exercises about communication. Our taks was to “think of something somebody did to you, but you never told them about it and compose a speech you would give them to tell them how you felt about it” . 99% of the group just spoke about things other people did that hurt them. Things  they were never assertive enough to admit to those people. But one girl stood up, looked at another girl in the group and went “You are always there for me, and I appreciate you being in my life. I don’t know what I would do without you. All those ways you help me through the life are worth more than anything else. When I wake up by your side in the morning, there is no greater feeling in the world. I love you and I don’t tell you that often enough”. And everybody started clapping and professor had the biggest dumbest grin on her face. 

I think that’s just something about studying psychology. We all are there to learn that it’s normal. Even small things, when we are on lecture about family and professor corrects himself “So, when a woman finds a husband then… or a wife, of course, then blah blah”

Well, I guess all that actually paints quite positive approach of Poland towards LGBT stuff. But I still don’t find myself being comfortable to talk about the whole country. In the end we are a “religious” country. It’s just that there are some places, towns, universities, school etc. that are more open minded than others. Like everywhere else. 

Bad stuff happens too. Few months ago there was this thing, it was called “Rainbow day”, I think? No, it was “Rainbow Friday”. All schools all over the country were supposed to come together and spend one whole day teaching about acceptance, diversity and tolerance. And it did work in some towns and places. In others parents protested or schools backed out at the last minute. There was even a group of people who threatened to attack or raid schools that would take part in it. 

People seem to feel safe overall though. Every day when I go outside I see at least one woman or man caring shopping bag with rainbow colors. I know of at least one queer coffee shop in the city center and I know for a fact there is more. I regularly see that one person - who has body of a man and the most amazing, well-kept, beard I have ever seen - walking around in the stunning dress and high heels and not even once I saw anybody react to them in any negative way. The one time I actually saw somebody approach them was when some lady really wanted to know where they got those boots. I remember when I was still working in shop, a client, a boy had painted nails and it was so pretty purple color, so I had to compliment him, but I drawn attention to him and some kid went “Mom, look! This boy has so pretty nails! Can I ask him where he bought the nail polish?” and the mom was totally unfazed, just smiled and let her kid ask.

So, yea, I think it’s that, even though government itself may be a bit shitty when it comes to dealing with all this, most of the people you can meet on streets are pretty awesome. 

[gayregis]

okay it’s time for me to post stupid parental-mentorship headcanons for regis and angoulême!

angoulême bares her teeth and shows the whites of her eyes when she waves her sword around like a fucking maniac. she was already doing this a little bit before she met the hansa but meeting regis solidified this behavior in her bc he encouraged it. fang-bearing is a good strat js

when angoulême was learning how to shoot with milva teaching her, she accidentally shot regis in the arm and he had to pretend to be hurt bc people were watching. angoulême was actually distraught and vulnerable for a good moment before they all got inside and regis plucked the arrow out of his shoulder nonchalantly and handed it to her. angoulême wasn’t on the battle of the bridge so... she didn’t know he could do ... that... and she was crying so hard bc she thought she legit hurt him

after this incident angoulême DEMANDS regis tell her all the cool shit he can do. he’s kind of awkward about it for a while because things like leaping at throats isn’t really a family friendly activity and isn’t who he’s trying to be, but then he realizes yea he better start practicing because they all are going to an epic battle to save ciri, right?

angoulême is caught selling drugs out of the palace and geralt asks regis for help deciding how they should proceed. regis is like “ground her” and geralt’s like “right, good idea” and regis is like “no flying for a month!” angoulême is like “FUCK i couldn’t even fly in the first place! this sucks” and geralt is like “... regis... what” and regis is like “what. that’s what grounding means. you’re grounded because you can’t fl- ok do humans have different rules for this or”

regis is more concerned that her prices were too low and that she wasn’t keeping a tidy lab/was cutting it with some other ingredients/partially contaminated the end product so he helps her with this business venture and then they both get shut down by geralt. geralt cracked down on them both before the concept of mandrake fisstech could ever be realized, unfortunately

angoulême was sniffing powder and then regis just walked past and took the metal case out of her hands. when she immediately protested he said “you’re a gram away from an overdose i can smell it in your blood” and then she just sat there like oh. could have died thx i guess

regis walked into the living room to see angoulême with her ear pressed up against a door trying to hear what the fuck geralt and dandelion were talking about. regis was like “what are you doing,” she was like “shhh spying wtf does it look like.” regis just stands 2 feet away from the door and hears the whole thing with Cool Vampire Hearing and at the end is like “ok how much of that did you catch what parts do you need me to fill you in on” and shes like “everything, i couldn’t hear shit.”

angoulême says like “damnit i wish i had a knife.” regis disappears and reappears two seconds later with a knife and gives it to her and is like “here you go”

they have a semi-serious discussion about addiction and regis is like “honestly i just think all addiction ends in decaptiation sooner or later, so that’s my advice” and angoulême slowly eases off the fisstech. also because another one of regis’s pieces of advice was basically “don’t get high on your own supply.”

and/or regis and geralt were discussing this topic and regis didn’t seem too worried about angoulême, was pretty laizze-faire, ‘everything will work out in the end’ and all, and then geralt said “okay but just keep in mind. humans don’t regrow their fucking heads.” and then regis got up to go convince angoulême to be safe

one time at night because she was trying to even out odds with some old ‘acquaintances’ but they brought some other guys that she wasn’t expecting, angoulême was being cornered in a toussaint alley. they stole her knife and she hadn’t gone out with her sword so she was like fuck... really in some shit. now as you’re probably predicting regis uses Cool Vampire Powers to help but there’s honestly two ways this could go down. the first way is that he appears at the end of the alley and is like “hey . you shouldn’t threaten teenage girls” and then ofc the bandit guys are still violent... so neck slitting is in order...

but the second way is (if it’s a more open area, a little outside of toussaint) as angoulême is being cornered by bandits all around a giant fucking bat swoops in out of nowhere and snatches her up into the sky, flying a few miles away (out of sight) before landing in a field. angoulême is freaking out for the entire flight because she doesn’t know what the fuck is going on/who it is and when regis lands and reappears as like A Man and is like “what the FUCK were you doing you could have DIED” she isn’t even thinking about the fact she could have died she’s just like “you can be a BAT??????”

angoulême often offers a lot of deep insight or reflective thoughts to regis. not on purpose but the overall message is like “you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you did in the past because we can’t change the past, we can only move forward/youth are stupid, it’s the one time in your life where it’s not socially inappropriate to be stupid. what matters is that you learn and don’t think too much about what the fuck you did”

it’s literally canon that regis thinks angoulême’s witty (and sometimes strange or innapropriate) catchphrases are epic because he starts using them, so i don’t even need to mention this one.

angoulême shares about her insecurities that stem from not knowing/not having a relationship with her biological family and regis consoles her but is also like . vampires don’t ever really visit or see their parents again after they learn to fly and it’s just the normal social thing to form bandit-like, hell-raising groups so i don’t think it’s that weird

“so you can like be stabbed a thousand times and still be ok?” “more or less” “wow. if i could do that i’d-“ “do a lot of stupid shit?” “more or less” “you’ve just neatly summarized my entire life”

angoulême starts to pick up on the ancient vampire language because regis curses in it frequently when he’s frustrated and then in the living room later at night she swears (saying some phrase that regis said before, she doesn’t really know what it means beyond the context of This Is A Bad Word) and regis is like whoa. hold on. WHAT did you just say . angoulême is like uhhhhh nothing ?

angoulême “stole” a book from regis because she wanted to pawn it for cash and it was probably the first time she felt guilt and regret from stealing... i say “stole” because ofc vampire ‘sleep’ isn’t like human sleep, so he was aware that she was in the room and took something out, after she left she got caught by milva who was walking past the door and they talked abt it. angoulême explained why she was doing what she was doing and said the title of the book she needed to pawn, etc. milva disapproved and advised her to leave it in the living room or sneak it back in. after all this (which regis ofc. heard.) he actually looked and realized she took the wrong one bc it was dark and she couldn’t see. so when she goes to pawn it regis shows up with the correct book and they pawn it together. angoulême gets emotional and is like “this is the first time ive felt bad for stealing, wtf,” and regis is like “dont worry watch this” and disappears to reappear, with the book, moments later. he says “we just got 75 crowns for free” and angoulême is like “:0 thats so smart wtf.” she offers him half of the gold they just got but regis declines and when she asks why he holds up a coin pouch and is like “because i also stole the rest of his money along with the book. and an apple too”

[grammarkid]

can you rant about Jennifer's body plz? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it

oh, my dude.. my dude, ur rly gonna regret asking me this. like, i legit wrote a paper on this film. i analyzed it for a month straight and did research. for ur own sake, i’m so sry. for everyone else, i’m gonna put it under a cut, bc.. it’s a lot.

ok, i just want to preface this by saying that i know that the movie is objectively just bad. tbh, the writing is terrible, and diablo cody? thought she could tap into the hip cool teen lingo™️? but she was rly just pulling words out of her ass, so i always get torn between finding the dialogue laughable and cringe-worthy.

but i love the movie to death and i actually got the chance to write a big paper about it in college. long story short, i took this english/social studies class that was all about monsters – vampires, werewolves, zombies, cyborgs, etc. – and how they were representations of society’s fear of those who transgress social norms. so, basically we spent an entire semester studying ‘monster culture,’ a way of reading texts that parses the social anxieties from within their monster stories, bc the word ‘monster’ comes from the latin ‘monstrum,’ which literally means “that which reveals or warns.” so in monster theory, a monster always signifies something other than itself. & our final assignment was to analyze a monster film that we hadn’t discussed in class and explain the issues behind the film’s monster – but i won’t get into all that, bc that’s kind of a diff story.

but without going into all the social anxiety stuff about teenage sexuality, simply put, the film is an allegory for the ways in which sexuality and one’s self-esteem are intertwined. literally, jennifer gets turned into a demon, and the only way she can remain healthy and beautiful is to kill/feed off the guys at her school – but, rly, the story behind that is about jennifer’s insecurities. 

listen. jennifer slept with a lot of guys, even before she was transformed into a demon. needy said that jennifer lost her virginity in junior high. did u know that adolescents who have sex earlier are more likely to be depressed and to have issues with their self-esteem? (i told u, i did the research.) and teens with high levels of “sexual permissiveness” are often low in self-esteem in comparison to those who abstain. (no judgment at all, that’s just what the studies say. and let’s talk about the word ‘permissiveness’ here – it’s explicitly stated that jennifer’s already done anal. i’d say that’s permissive for a teenager.) and studies have also found that ppl who do participate in sex will often experience a temporary boost in self-esteem afterward, bc it makes them feel desirable – shocking!! 

so, ok, the point is, what jennifer does with boys after she becomes a demon is rly not that different from what she did with boys before she was a demon – she uses them to improve her self-image. (the only difference now being that she.. u know.. kinda eats them.) bc as confident and pretty as jennifer is, she has a lot of problems with her self-image. she’s peppy and vivacious whenever she looks pretty, but rude and mean when she feels ugly. & like, the biggest fuckin’ insult needy could use against her was that she was insecure?? literally nothing else that needy said had any effect on her, but she rly cracked when needy accused her of being insecure. i mean, she literally starts crying as she’s putting on her makeup for the winter formal bc she can see herself in the mirror and she’s ugly, and the only way she can fix that is to, u know, eat a guy – and it’s not just any guy, ok? she’s not just going around murdering the random 65y/o dude in the mcdonald’s drive-thru or the lady running the convenience store. they’re all young guys, around her age, who very obviously find her attractive. 

hmm. deteriorating demon eats boys who are attracted to her to regain beauty vs. human teenage girl with deteriorating self-worth and self-esteem sleeps with boys who are attracted to her to feel beautiful again. and uh let’s not forget that girls who regularly use guys are often called ‘man eaters.’ like, it literally could not be more obvious?? yet so many ppl i’ve talked to about it are oblivious.

but the thing that rly gets me about this movie? it’s the relationship between jen and needy. and i’m not just talking about the fact that they made out in bed for thirty seconds – although that does play a factor. i’m talking about how the film is rly an exploration of how these issues literally destroy their relationship.

bc jennifer is detrimentally obsessed with being pretty and popular and ‘socially relevant’ but she can’t let go of needy. needy even says that it’s to the point that kids at their school literally can’t understand why jen hangs out with her?? and i think that reason is pretty obvious.

like, ppl have their opinions, but i feel like there is clearly something between jennifer and needy beyond just friendship? jennifer is constantly sizing needy up, flirting with her, touching her, etc. jennifer even says that they used to play ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when they were younger. like, idk, that doesn’t seem like something friends do to me?? & it definitely doesn’t seem like something needy would suggest. no, that had to have been jennifer’s idea. but why? bc she has feelings for needy. hint: jennifer didn’t go after anyone in the film other than ppl she could use to her advantage – she explicitly mentions wanting to sleep with ahmet, jonas is the quarterback so ofc sleeping with him would be a boost to her esteem, colin asked her out on a date despite her lackluster appearance, and she also mentioned finding chip attractive. (if she could get him to choose her despite his loyalty to needy, wouldn’t that be a rush? why do u think she was so adamant when she said ‘tell me i’m better than needy’??) she doesn’t even attempt to approach anyone else in that way except needy. immediately after jennifer’s transformation, she goes back to needy. she’s the first person jennifer thinks of, and the first person we see jennifer approach in that way. and the scene definitely isn’t lacking sexual tension?? but ultimately it just suggests that needy could, in fact, give jennifer the same thing she got from the boys – i would even go so far as to say that, as a whole, the film suggests that needy is the only one who could give her that – but she can’t bring herself to do it. she cares too much about her to hurt her, to use her like that, and she even admits that later in needy’s bedroom. she literally says “i couldn’t hurt you.”

like omg the real tragedy of the movie is that needy and jen are torn apart by their missed opportunities. they’re constantly reaching out for one another, but they’re never in sync. after jen’s transformation, needy tries to be there for her, asks her questions, wants to be sure she’s okay, but jen can’t let her in bc she can’t even cope with the truth herself. after she kills colin, jen goes to needy’s room and tells her what happened to her bc it’s taking its toll on her and she’s desperate for needy’s support and validation, but needy is already convinced that she’s evil and her aggressive questions make jennifer retract. and without needy, jennifer has nothing. that’s why she goes after chip, bc it will hurt needy the same way needy hurt her. & personally, i don’t think jennifer was ever truly attracted to chip – i think she was attracted to his loyalty. & she was jealous of needy’s relationship with him bc it was steady and respectful and jen had no way of obtaining that for herself. and at that point in the film, she’s got nothing left to lose. honestly, like, with the others? jen didn’t hesitate. she made out with them and tore them apart at the first available opportunity. with chip? she took him to the pool and they just.. fucking sat there?? she tells him “i feel so empty” and yea most ppl probably take that to mean that she’s hungry, but if she was starving, then she’d just have her way with chip and be done with it, wouldn’t she? but she didn’t want to. she feels empty bc it’s all catching up to her and she doesn’t even have needy to help her through it. needy pushed her away. 

which is why i personally think that jennifer looks her absolute worst in the final scene with needy in her bedroom. she fed a bit off chip, obv, bc it was enough to kill him, and enough to completely heal the giant gaping hole in her stomach – which she plainly says to needy only happens ‘when she’s full.’ and yet she’s still so ugly. her skin is pale and her eyes are yellow and bloodshot, why? bc her physical state is a literal representation of her self-image and she feels terrible about herself so she looks terrible. ok, another hint: immediately after jen dies? she’s beautiful again. you literally watch it happen. & yeah, bc the film is about demons and the occult, u could say that the demon left her body, blah blah, but i think she becomes beautiful again bc that’s what she looks like when it’s not being distorted through the lens of her own self-view. all her insecurities aren’t killing her anymore, bc there’s nothing left. (and, just one last note about this final scene. what allows needy to kill jen? she tears off her bff necklace. and then jen literally loses all her power. she falls out of midair. it’s like everything stops, bc she still wore the necklace, she was still holding on to needy, even tho needy pushed her away. that was the last thing holding her together and needy took that too. and i think, rly, that’s what ultimately killed her. sure, the boxcutter had something to do with it, but there’s a reason that moment took up so much screen time, why it had such an impact, whereas the knife going in and that stupid ass ‘my tit’ line were so rushed in comparison.)

ugh, gosh. ok, i rly need to stop now. all that is already all twisted up and it hardly makes any sense bc i was rushing. i could literally go on for days about this movie, but this has already taken up like an hour of my day?? and i’m sure no one has even read this far anyway. but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about jennifer’s body, because imo it’s rly a tragedy disguised as a horror film.

[machinehead]

MORE CORNELL

Below is a collection of the most interesting replies to my General Journal inbox and our Facebook page. There are many, many, many more great/fantastic replies in the FB thread here: https://www.facebook.com/MachineHead/posts/10154745571783823 But these are the ones that hit me the hardest for whatever reason. Reading everyone's replies made me realize that it’s been a very difficult thing to process for many of us.  I appreciate the well wishes from everyone.  Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.  Yes, it triggered something dark inside me, something closer to the surface than I realized.  Writing/talking helped me process it. Talking about it on our group-text helped a lot, talking about it with my guys at practice helped a lot.  Writing the journal helped a lot, reading you’re replies helped a lot. And so I’m sharing your replies to hopefully help anyone else struggling with this. It needs to be discussed. His suicide, depression, mental health, whatever we want to call needs to be addressed. We need to get over our uber-macho, alpha-male-society, and be able to talk about these things.  For ourselves, for our kids, for our future. My oldest son had heard Genevra and I talking about Cornell. Driving him to school 2 days ago, he asked me how he died.  I told him. He didn’t understand why someone would do that. It was tough conversation.  And my first thought was to not tell him what it meant, but then my larger fear went to "what if he feels this way already?”  And before you go, “oh kids don’t feel that way, kids are just happy all the time”, I have 2 friends who are going though it with their tween/teenagers.  So we spoke about it, and I told him "I hoped that him and Wyatt never felt that way because THAT scared me even more." It was heavy… How any parent lives through that I’ll never know. Back when the news broke, the band/crew were talking over the group-text, Phil shared something amazing with us.  It was a post from our long-time friend Steffan Chirazi.  He had posted his eloquent thoughts regarding Cornell's suicide (written before suicide was confirmed). If you read only one of the replies below, scroll to the bottom and read his. It’s well worth your time. ——————————— From: Paul Miller Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Yeah man. I know that's not a formal way to start a reply, but that last line, "Listen, Honor, Remember Chris Cornell"... that's the truth. Did so today.  Soundgarden was one of those bands that I listed to and enjoyed, but I didn't run it into the ground.  It was great music, and I didn't want to burn myself out on it.  It would rotate, but I'd save it for special occasions.  When "Black Hole Sun" hit MTV, I'd find myself turning the tv so that I wouldn't get sick of it, but it became unavoidable for awhile (at least here in Indiana). I appreciate your words.  They ring true here, too.  Never got that low, but my thoughts have been dark enough.  It scares me, too.  But, I want to forge ahead for my 5 year old - she is what keeps me runnin'. All the best to you, and thank you for the music through the years. I'm sure you hear people say that your music helped them through rough times.  I believe it.  It kept me focused on doing something personally productive to develop my chops as I wore out the cassette of 'Burn My Eyes' while learning to play your riffs!  So, thank you for that. Take care, Paul From: Rochelle Mangan Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Thank you for this, I loved reading it and am enjoying re listening to a lot of the songs and albums you mentioned with a different perspective on them (this is something I enjoy doing with music a lot, listening to things after people have told me their ideas and opinions on them etc). I just want to say though that I hate the "they had so much to live for" type comments. Even if it's done from an emotional, irrational state, I can't not say something about it. I will find it hard to express concisely and over email the many reasons why but one of the main things is this.... Mental health is hard to deal with because it's invisible, it's so easy to feel like you're a flawed person somehow rather than recognise you are actually unwell. This can mean that experiencing severe depression or whatever when everything in your life is "going great" can (in my experience) often make it so much more confusing and distressing. I'm definitely not saying it's harder to deal with if your life's great! But, if things aren't great - you've lost your job, you're struggling with a relationship etc it's easier to sort of say to yourself "well of course I'm struggling".  I feel like it's also sometimes easier for others to empathise with you if they can see some logical reasons why. It's also easier to get help from public health services (in NZ anyway). When I'm in a bad patch and I have good things happening in my life I ALWAYS find it harder to not do damaging behaviours because my external things are so at odds with what's happening internally. It's like a big war going on and it is so confusing, so exhausting, just one massive dangerous mind fuck! Anyway I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you may already be feeling, I don't mean it to. I just feel that it's important to say these things sometimes. I know suicide can be confusing to people but as you may know, when you're there, it's not. Thank you for your ramblings and your even more amazing music. It has definitely kept me alive in a big way numerous times. Rochelle xxx From: Anita Hoeve Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Even though I'm a Machine Head fan from the start, and I really enjoy your journals, I don't normally respond to them. Surely you have better things to do than read all the comments, but wow, this day really sucked, didn't it? I was utterly shocked to hear about Chris' passing. Even more to learn it was suicide. Feel so sad that he felt this was the only way out. I love his voice, his music, listened to Superunknown just last week. Between all the social outpourings I read today, yours really stood out. Thank you for your story, your memories. For really taking the time to share them with us. They got to me. Take care Robb, give your kids and Genevra an extra big hug tonight. Love, Anita From: "Kondalski, Joe" Subject: RE: CHRIS CORNELL To: 'The General Journals' I was at the Fox Theater last night to see Soundgarden, here are a couple of pics from the show. We were in the front row and Chris gave us fist bumps and was very engaged  with the fans during the show. Ps- these are cell phone pics, I will send some pics from my camera later. Feel free to post this pics anywhere. From: Fábio Gil Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals From a 34 year old fan boy trying to play it cool: if you need help, go and search for it and solve your shit, man. We all have demons and hard things we can't handle by ourselves, sometimes. So, for this fanboy, and millions around the world, for whom your TALENT and music inspires so fucking much, put yourself together and "headup". I have a band and we are looking for a proper singer for a time now, maybe a year... And you, dear Robb, your vocal approach, your melodies, ressonate in my head, pushing me to break my barriers and fears and step to the mic (I play of the guitars). This is how much you inspire me. And I'm... just one. Imagine what you do daily to your legion of fans. Is there anybody out there? Yea. There is. Always. From Portugal, with MUCH MUCH love, Fábio Gil. From: Jean-Baptiste Collinet Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST To: The General Journals Thanks for the playlist, Robb. Great choices, many almost-unknown songs. Great. Well, I tought about dropping a serious line about how Chris somehow "changed my life" (I know, that's so cliché, but I'm at loss for words, damnit). But I was too down last time you wrote about him. Not only did Chris, as a human being, kinda "redirected" me on a safer, healthier path… even if we never met (if there's heaven or hell, we may meet sometime. Let's be a hopeless optimistic-pessimist!) His music... Boy, it's just gut-tearing to think about the loss of the man who opened my mind and my ears enough to stop my technical frenzy and stage thirst for a huge while, and made me start listening instead of merely hearing. I even put aside performing for years, and I just started again maybe a few months ago. Not as a Swedish Melodeath drummer and guitarist, but as a viola da gamba soloist. Talk about a ride. It doesn't look like it, but both worlds share much more than one may think. Not sure I would have made it so far without Chris. Chris had this ability to quickly grok and understand the world and music in an unbelievably holistic way. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is... I could go on and on, rambling. Enough. Chris has still much to "teach" us, even if he's not "there". He made me wonder if we're not the dead, wrongly thinking we're alive. How can we dare think we're right? What if the ones we think of as dead/fallen are the ones alive? Anyone has an answer to this? Jean-Baptiste Collinet @Rich Hoit I both love and hate this. I love the passion, the honesty, and the wish to not shy away from the raw and heartfelt feelings towards a fantastic front man, singer, musician, friend and man. So much respect for that. I hate the fact that it had to be written so soon 😢 Bravo, Machine Head, a great piece and a great sentiment. And thank you, Chris Cornell. @Ashley Merritt You're strong as fuck Robb because you actually wrote how you feel honestly like this, helping anyone struggling with mental illness.. it helps to know that you're not the only one and the way you feel frankly is exactly the way I do. What a trip. Being open and around good folk means everything, there's always an up after a down. Always. @Theresa Alaimo Very proud of you, Robb Flynn, Machine Head, for this tribute to Chris. A s a journalist for my magazine, Black Planet, in New Mexico, I ran for over 15 years, I too am grieving for Chris Cornell, that beautiful man with an amazing voice. During the Voivod Tour they played at a club a few blocks from my work space apartment and the promoter asked if I could steam the crab legs for Soundgarden at my place. Delivering a plate of steaming hot crab legs to the beautiful Chris and looking into his eyes, made my legs steam as well. I believe I said, "Your Majesty, I present you with steaming hot crab legs" and bowed. I was such a dork, but I was so overwhelmed by his aura. I was also at the Foundations Forum where I saw Soundgarden and met you and other great guys. I interviewed you and we all became friends and hung out with Pantera, Biohazard, Exodus, STP, Lemmy, Pearl Jam, Iron Maiden and up and coming new bands for a weekend. I still have my Scorpions beer mug they handed out from their helicopter flight, it was a great experience. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed Robb, try to remember that you are a talented musician, a beautiful man and maybe not every woman in the world wants to fuck you, but be your friend and will listen if you need to talk. I might not ever know if you read this, Robb Flynn, but at least it's out there. We all love you and need you to stick around. We've lost too many, Dimebag, Peter Steele, Wayne Static, Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, Lemmy, just to name a few and when we barely catch our breath, then we lose another. We can't lose you too, our hearts are already broken. @Matt McDonald "And I think I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not as strong as I project, and I'm not sure if I'm stronger than depression. Because I sink into it sometimes. And it's black. I hope I am. I need to be for my kids. For my wife... for myself." God damn that shit hit me. So personal, so profound, and so relatable. Counseling, medication, therapy... none of that is a guarantee. Whether it's a bout of sadness or full on throes of suicidal depression, sometimes the hardest part for overcoming it is simply reaching out. Be it pride, shame, guilt... find a way to overcome, find something that helps you out of the funk. Music can be so powerful, so thank you for still being here to share your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and for continuing to make music. You never know how much it could help even just one person, I think that's reason enough to continue. Thank you! @Jennifer May It can be really hard to admit, you worry that you'll be labeled as an attention seeker or told that you just need to cowboy up and try harder to be happy. Medication is still really stigmatized and expensive, and talk therapy can seem intimidating. I'm very, very lucky and grateful that my mama works in mental health so I've had someone to help me navigate the system. RIP Chris, we lost one of the greatest today. @Phil Stein No matter how much one tries to capture the range of emotions evoked by Chris Cornell's vocals, the description falls short of what he could do and what he could convey. Let alone the beauty, poignancy and power that he could generate. It was like hearing a 5 course gourmet dinner from appetizer through dessert - it was varied and more than that delicious vocally. Thanks for the great description and memorial For Chris Robb. It's so on point and fitting. Perfectly stated!!! @Mark Garcia It's the asshole in me but I will never grieve for someone who takes their own life. I can appreciate all the words from fans and I may not have been a fan of sound garden some of the songs were worth listening to. This band as well as the grunge "sound" never resonated with me so maybe that's why as well. @Jimmy James Brute honesty again from mr Flynn. Bravo this is why we love you and machine head. Depression does fucking suck and you don't shy away from talking about it. RIP Chris Cornell! Man I was actually a big soundgarden fan back in the 90s before discovering metal. @Siri LH Thank you for your honesty and reflections! Highly interesting to read. I can relate to the sadness and the mind fuck. Soundgarden was the band that sparked my love for heavy music. I've been depressed myself and always felt comfort in listening to Chris Cornell's voice. It resonated with my mind. The darkness felt lighter when I put on a Soundgarden album. I was comforted, like someone got my mood. Whenever I've felt lost, I've put on some Soundgarden and found myself again. Soundgarden feels like the essence of my being and I will always be deeply grateful for their music, and for Cornell's voice, lyrics and mood. I've seen them live once and I smiled the whole show through. Eternal love for Chris Cornell and Soundgarden <3 My heart goes out to his loved ones. @Austin Kokel I saw them on Lollapalooza '96, and I'm glad to hear you say what I felt at that show. I was only 15, but I had Badmotorfinger and Superunknown and I absolutely loved both and was right up front. The band was definitely in a funk, and the bassist was an asshole, spitting on and insulting the crowd (and bot in the fun Ramones way I experienced an hour earlier). I try to explain their set to people now, and I can't. I'm glad to hear my 20+ year old sentiments echoed. That said, I always wondered about him after that day, but I never saw this coming either, not this far down the road. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Robb. We love you. We love Machine Fucking Head. Be strong. @J Ake Hess You've expressed so many feelings and thoughts rattling around in my head today that I just couldn't find words to put to. Cornell will always be uniquely amazing and in a class​ by himself. I was listening to his cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 You just last night and letting myself become entranced by his unique sound and incredible voice. Today I am sad, angry, and a bit enthralled with my own mortality. Nobody is immune and sometimes the struggle is too much for even the people with everything to live for. I can't imagine what his family is feeling today. Beyond tragic… @Steffan Chirazi No-one can be sure why he is dead, and when it is appropriate, we will know. But depression is a very, very real thing. It is a part of life, but for some, it carries deadly lows and utterly crushing weight along with a gravitational pull into darkness that many of us cannot fathom. I sometimes fight the rabbit hole. I see it, I feel it, I flirt with its edges, but then I bury my head in the dog or hug the cat or take deep breathes and get outside and find a piece of mental architecture to grab hard, fast and haul myself out. I am very lucky. I am slightly brushed with depression and anxiety, but fortunately I am always able to find the light. Fortunately I still retain enough of my natural mental antibodies to find the path out quickly and efficiently. There is no doubt that age makes that path harder to find sometimes, as a consequence of both the physical being and some of the inevitabilities which come with your 50s (such as more people in your circle dying). Others are not so lucky. It isn't because they 'don't want to' or 'aren't trying hard enough' or 'don't love their familes' or anything remotely like that. It isn't ever for the lack of trying. It is because depression (and anxiety) are a crushing, debilitating disease which this country, this planet, seems largely unable to recognize. We push people to the outer regions of anxiety and depression with no care that there are some who fall headfirst into a rabbit hole tornado and only through regular (and possibly unrecognized miracles) find themselves hurled into the escape bunker as opposed to the abyss. Yeah. Imagine that. A tornado that escalates within minutes from a slight, chilly breeze, a tornado that offers no pattern as to when it will appear. And imagine that the only help which can come your way is a bunker miraculously opening up beneath your feet and drawing you to a womb of safety until the tornado passes… ...Often, people with clinical depression will self-medicate. Not because they 'like to fucking party' but because there is no other way out. It's 'easier' to take a swig, take a pill, take a hit. It keeps the darkness in the distance and the tornado (when it pops up) is smashed into smithereens by the 'medicine’. Let me, by the way, be VERY clear. I am NOT saying he was doing ANY of that. He had his dances back in the old days, ones he has been very open about. But I thought he had left that behind. I honestly don't know but feel he had for some time. Whatever eh? Because we judge anyway. Yet we judge. We judge in all senses and all ways. Why do they do that? Why do they behave that way? Who do they think they are? Why can't they just cheer up...? Why are they being such an asshole? Yeah, cheer up will ya? You're handsome or pretty or rich or famous or successful or ALL of those things. Come on. All you gotta do is think about how much worse so many other people have it. Who do you think you are? There are people with 'real' problems out there… I heard the same shit about Cobain and Staley. Listen, does anyone really believe that they wanted to go? That they didn't with every sinew wish in their more lucid moments that they could find a way out? Of course not. Pain is one thing, emotional pain is a whole other ball of wax, but add that to a chemical equation in your DNA that can (without warning) turn your colours to black and white, your peripheral vision to a short, narrow tunnel and which leaves your light feeling cold-negative and it is clear to see that this disease is both monstrous and potentially crippling. The thing with tornados is that when you're in one, they don't afford you the 'luxury' of contemplation. Especially when it is your own chemicals, your own imbalances through no fault of your own, which rise from nowhere to envelope you in that tornado; I never heard of anyone caught in one who was able to see straight, let alone reason with themselves. Fortunately some find their way out. They discover a regular path out of the fog, and they can stick to it. That is not to judge people who cannot; every situation is different. But some simply can't. They try and try and try again. Maybe they achieve success in escaping dark moments, and maybe they eradicate self-medication and triggers from their lives with the help of great local support. However there are never guarantees. Again, I don't know why he died. I spent a little time with him here and there, enough to know that for years, there was a dark moodiness which expressed itself via his generally quiet way and rich lyrics. Later on he certainly spruced himself up, chucked in the deeper self-medications, and seemed a lot more comfortable with life than when he wrote the semi-self-ridiculing "Jesus Christ Pose" but what did I know? Apparently not much at all… ...If you see a friend struggling, if you sense or feel a friend or family member is drifting near a rabbit hole, please, check-in with them. However you have to, either directly or just create an excuse to see them, to talk to them. We are so emotionally guarded that we perhaps see it as 'intruding' or 'sticking our noses in'. Know your friends. Know your family. Be kind whenever you can with them, have a laugh or crack a shit joke. But touch base. Do it today. Much love to everyone who suffers and is either marginalized, trivialized or simply ignored. Much love to those getting assistance in their ongoing battle. Subscribe to The General Journals: http://thegeneraljournals.hosted.phplist.com/lists/?p=subscribe

[adhdvane]

Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.

[jeannemarie8183-blog]

It is ABUSE!!!!

After over a year of dating someone with borderline personality disorder and fighting to keep things balanced, i broke down and gave up. A few weeks later someone from my past came back into the picture. I never dated this man... i just had a HUGE crush on him when i was a young teenager. Well, we hit it off right away. Almost two years later i know what “love bombing” is... something that’s common with borderlines, but my borderline never did that. 🤔🤔 Now, I’ll admit i was destroyed after my break up with the borderline. So as soon as this person from my past came into my life again and showed me all the attention in the world and spent every second of free time with me, i did dive head first into what seemed like a relationship with the most perfect person. He couldn’t do enough for me. He told me he loved me within days. Brought me coffee to work, took me shopping, even took me to look at rings VERY early on, within two months i moved from my own apartment and into his house. That’s not how i operate but man, he really loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and settle down and have a family. Everything i ever wanted! I was finally gonna have my happily ever after... or was i? Fast forward to month 4 of our relationship... he took me to a very nice hotel in St. Michaels, Maryland and asked me to marry him. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. It’s finally happening! Month 5, he started name calling and making me feel terrible for things i did. I was accused of blaming my fathers suicide on everything, which i very rarely bring up... and i drank too much. Hey, i was drinking WAY more when you first met me and I’m an adult and allowed to have a drink or two or however many i want to be honest after working my ass off all day. This is when the controlling behavior started. Month 6.... i decided to go with a couple friends to see a band i liked. I hadn’t been out with friends in months. All i did was work and spend time with him and my dog. No big deal, right? WRONG! How dare i not tell him til the day of that i was going to a “concert”?! Even though he was working that night he screamed and yelled at me for hours, in front of one of my friends too. How fucking embarrassing. I sat there and took it. Like a bitch. I ain’t no little bitch!!! What was i doing?? Month 7 i had budoir photos done for him. I was super excited and felt great about myself. I never did anything like that. I was so confident!! Well, he doesn’t have social media but likes to google my Instagram and look to find something to bitch about which became apparent when he called me screaming asking why the fuck i was wearing one of his shirts in a picture. So i had to then tell him about his gift... HOW DARE I BE NAKED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER MAN?! (A married gay man, mind you). He fought me for months about this. There went my confidence. The name calling got worse... “you’re a whore” “you’re infertile cause everyone else got pregnant right away”(he has three kids with three women, half of his body count... but because i slept with more people than him, I’m a whore...), cunt, bitch, stupid, retarded, dumb... YOU NAME IT, that’s what i was. I was sexually assaulted years ago and opened up to him about it and months later he used it against me.. “maybe if you weren’t drinking that night you wouldn’t have gotten raped” WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE?! One night in a fit of what i think was roid rage, he smashed my 55inch tv. I never got so mad in my life. Everything was just built up so i punched him and spit in his face. That is not who i am. He was bringing out the worst in me. I was starting to hate myself more and more... then he threatened to kill me. Cause no one would ever find me. I didn’t leave. I should have. Come the summer time, he started going out a lot, selling steroids and i was starting to catch his lies. He began to treat me shittier and shittier by the day. And i began to fight harder and harder to be more important than all the other bullshit in his life. Things got physical. When he’d hurt me he’d blame me because i “pushed” him to that point. I only told a couple of people. I loved this man and had such high hopes of him being who he was again in the beginning. But it just got worse. He was sneaky, he was speaking badly about me to people. I know I’m no walk in the park, but i am not a bad person. I’d do anything for anyone. I would’ve done anything for him but i was breaking again... he’d ignore texts, phone calls, etc when he was out but god forbid i did, that meant i was out getting fucked or sucking someone’s dick if i didn’t respond right away or wasn’t home when he got home. I was 100% loyal to this man and i didn’t even know who the fuck he was anymore. So in January’s of this year, i moved back to my apartment complex with my dog. It was the only option to try to salvage whatever was left and to let him breathe and get his shit right. Well, i got my shit right. He just got his shit, his steroids to sell, his weed oils, his weed brownies, etc.. got himself a puppy that’s locked in a cage 90% of the day cause he’s BUSY! Mind you, i crated my dog and i was a terrible human being for doing so... she likes her crate and was only in it when i worked. I take my dog everywhere and spend all my free time with her. Not that i need to explain myself or anything. But what a fuckin hypocrite he is. I still made an effort to get things right between us and I’m not very sure why i did fight for so long. He’d ignore my texts when i was being my normal happy self and then when I’d get frustrated he’d finally respond with “see Jeanne this is why i don’t want to be around you, look how you’re acting”. I caught him talking to other women and trying to take them out and he refused to do anything with me.. Well, the only way to get a response was to freak out. So i did it. And it went on for four months. But i quit. Despite all the name calling and how unimportant he made me feel... i am better than this. He will say it wasn’t abuse and I’m just crazy and whatever other bullshit he wants to tell people... but i know the truth and he does too. Yea i acted out of character, i was getting broken down every day. But now I’m moving on with my life and wish him the best. He was never my happily ever after. I was in hell for almost two years and i allowed myself to remain there. No matter how much i loved him, he was never going to love me back... i was just someone he could Project his own insecurities on and treat like a piece of property. I belong to me. And it’s getting better every day. No one who loves you would put you through anything i mentioned or did not mention above for personal reasons...