#Talk about TANGENTS ma dudes

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 41 & 66

I need to make a whole post just for Game Bro alone, this is imperative for my recollection of reading this comic, because it is the 1st thing that made me audibly laugh. I just need to talk about it for a moment, this must be its own tangent, and if you don’t like it, fuck you.

the thing that immediately gets me already is the visual style involving all of these bro culture jokes. there is something fucking incredible about a bunch of stock photos of dudes on skateboards with the contrast cranked up and under several layers of crusty Photoshop motion blurs.

then the fucking review- THE REVIEW. the guy doesn’t even play the fucking game at all and assume it’s some kind of Barbie ass doll house thing and wants “the mad stunts all wicked up-ins” whatever the FUCK that means.

of course there’s the iconic, quotable, endlessly great line of “I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.” along with the utterance of “Bro-Yo Ma”.

and then the rest of the page is just a story about this dude named Dennis breaking his fucking thumb on the wet ass lawn of the guy’s place and having his “bawling candy-ass girth” taken to the meds by some other guy named Ron, who the fuck is named Ron.

then it fucking ends with

Brotel Rwanda.

and I am fucking SOLD on the humor of this comic right after that, completely on board the moment I read this entire thing. many people get sold on Homestuck as soon as it starts, some truck along until a big moment like John: Take bite of apple. or WV: Ascend. me? Game Bro did it, the bro himself took me in his arms and showed me true greatness, he was like Jesus Christ if Jesus wore shades and a dumb looking cap that only a douchebag would wear.

and the best part is that this isn’t even the funniest part of this whole magazine, it’s this:

fucking

incredible.

[dysah]

I think a lot about Gladio was for sure lost throughout the dubbing. My first playthrough was in Japanese (although the subs were definitely for the eng dub) and I saw him as the big bro who could easily approach anyone, not just women. I didn't really see the whole playboy persona in him like everyone else until I played the second time in English. Your Gladio art truly exhibits how he's meant to be portrayed - a very attractive and prideful teddy bear. It's so refreshing.

Bruh! I played with the Japanese dub and Spanish subs. The Spanish subs are kinda weird, because they don’t always correspond with the English dub/sub which is… good? Cos maybe there’s more fidelity with the Japanese?¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (but they probably do their own shit at times). Honestly Gladio is fkn funny in Spanish, I freaking love him. Gladio and Iris’ confident cheerfulness was obliterated in the English dub, fuck that. The only one who got past the “Translation Filter” intact was Ardyn, everyone else died.        

I’m really glad you’re enjoying my Gladio drawings!! Thank you for the kind words~! *sniff* ;v;b 

[chyrstis]

“How many licks?” 👀👀👀

@ma-sulevin also asked about this one!

This is actually a lot more innocent than what the title implies, but originally I wanted an idea where Hana and Sharky were forced to share a cigarette. I thought it’d be fun b/c they would forget to get an extra pack at some point, and she figures sharing’s easy enough as long as neither of them burn right through it. So, I started writing a line where Hana compares the entire process to that of licking a Tootsie Roll Pop, and whoops. An idea took root after that, and Sharky went off on a tangent and a half too.

It also gave me the most roundabout way to make a reference towards Sharky’s in-game line about never seeing an owl here, and Hana’s set on finding a way to fix this now.

---

When he was able to coax the fire back, he held the lighter out to her, and she leaned in with the cigarette. Cupping a hand around it, she tucked in close to Sharky’s side as he tried to keep the wind from putting both out, and once it caught she stayed put right next to him.

“How should we do this?” Hana asked, bumping his shoulder with hers. “Every five puffs we trade off? Not exactly like it’s a Tootsie Roll Pop with a number of licks we’re aiming for here.”

“Nah, though I had a record once.”

“For what?”

After two decent drags, she handed it to him, and watched the end light up as Sharky paused to inhale, but kept on talking right after. “Licks.”

That sent both of her eyebrows up. “…Licks?”

“You know, to get to the center of that shit. Used to go through a bag of ‘em whenever Hurky was able to bring ‘em on by. Some days he’d drop by my parents’ place with pockets full of ‘em. He’d fit whatever he could carry and sneak it up to me ‘cause Senior’d always throw a shit fit whenever he’d find ‘em, so, I’d hide ‘em. Be a right proper bro, ‘cause my cuz trusted me with his stash, and much as I wanted to dip into any of that, you don’t go back on that trust. And one day, like half a bag in, he told me if I couldn’t make it past a hundred he’d give me his one and only signed copy of Lost on Mars #1.”

“Lost on Mars?" It sounded familiar, but not enough to ring a bell. “Is that a movie, or...”

“It’s a pretty sweet series of comics. Dude goes to Mars, takes down an evil supercomputer with his best bro-bot pal, all while rocking the face off of every alien in sight.”

“Like you do.”

“Like you do,” Sharky echoed, grinning around the cigarette. “But on release, LoM numero uno had a foil cover. Super shiny, smooth to the touch, and if you caught the light off of it just right, you could see a rainbow or something coming off of it. It was the coolest fucking thing, and it was the only copy in town. Hurk only got to see it ‘cause he knew a guy, who knew a guy, who was the cousin of the other two guys, but twice removed or some shit.”

It took a few seconds for Hana to realize he was holding the cigarette out for her to take, and quickly slipped it between her lips. “Jesus, sounds like they were guarding Fort Knox.”

[imagine-young-g]

FWB to MWB

Hello  G fam! It’s been a while but I’m back. I’m not too sure for how long but I am back. A lot has been happening in my life, and I have not been able to be as dedicated as I could be to this page. I hope you all enjoy this story about a gorgeous, normal, single mama that just so happens to be FWB with the one and only Young Gerald.

“Zay! Where are you hun?” I was calling my little sass for sometime now and she just wouldn’t answer.

“Zay….Zaybrie. ZAY!”

“I’m right here mommy you don’t have to yell,” she muttered.

My gorgeous little sass looked up at me while fumbling with the zipper to her favorite panda jacket. I never thought in a million years I would be here. 23years old, rollers in my hair, stressing over a trip to the grocery store, and staring down at my mini-me. I had Zay when I was 19 years old. She was the product of an mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. My ex was just not the ish like I had once thought. We were high school sweethearts and he wanted a military life, I on the other hand wanted to embrace the world. If it wasn’t for my pregnancy I most likely never would have made it out. She is my saving grace and literally only reason I haven’t been locked away due to insanity.

“UGH! Mommy I can’t do this! It’s broken.”

My train of thought is broken as my disgruntled 4 year old is completely over the zipper on this damn jacket. I didn’t even know why she wanted to wear this out. The jacket is worth more than gold to this little girl since her best pal G got it for her the last time he was in Tokyo at some hip Japanese boutique. The tag says it was an adult small but by the looks of it, it could have passed for a child’s shmedium. I easily guide the zipper together and with a little zrrrp its up.

“Baby. Why do you wanna wear Panda to the store today? It’s a little damp out, aren’t you afraid of getting it messed up?”

“Mommy we live in the Bay it’s always moist outside.”

Ugh! That word is like nails on a chalkboard for me, but of course G knows this and still decided to teach my 4year old to say this word to completely throw her mother off every chance she got. This cake is moist, my hair is moist. Mommy my skin is moist.” Any chance this little girl got to say it she took it.

“Because Mommy, we’re gonna meet up with Gerry today and I want him to see that I love my jacket.”

She was the only girl I knew in the world that could call him that. Gerry, or G as I like to call him, is none other than the Bay Area kid G-Eazy. I met him about 3 years ago when Zay was barely old enough to walk. I had been working at a local diner, and going to school full time when one rainy Saturday morning a mob of sweaty drunk dudes come barging in at 7am demanding coffee, pie, and whatever grease filled meal they could put in their bellies to prevent a hangover from hell. I was overworked, underpaid, exhausted, and at my wits end; so when this tall jerk of man tried to holla at your girl I was not having it. He tried the whole “Hey Ma!” Come here with one finger bit. I naturally walked over and asked if there was anything he needed. To his reply of “You see I made you come over her with one finger imagine what I could do with two.” I was so beyond pissed I through a glass of ice water and told his ass to cool down. My boss saw, asked me if I knew who this fool was, and fired me when I blantantly said I could give a fuck. As I walked out of the diner I heard loud steps running after me. I being the street smart girl that I am turned around and straight punched this dude in the face.

“Damn ma! First you soak me then you floor me? I gotta know who you are now that I damn near fell for you.”

At that point I lost my shit again. I went on a whole tangent of who do you think you ares and why don’t you fuck offs. I turned around after I thought I gave him a piece of my mind and he followed me asking me all kinds of questions. I don’t know when or how it happened but I began to answer them. We eventually got on the subject of me being single with a kid and how he admired that. He walked me the 8 blocks all the way home to my mom’s house. We exchanged numbers and have been “friends” ever since.

“Ohhh I see. You’re trying to look cute for Gerry?”

“No Mommy, you’re trying to look cute for Gerry since you got the rollers in your hair. I just wanna say thank you for my jacket.”

Damn my kid caught me. So what if I wanted my hair to look a little nicer than normal for when I saw G. I mostly wanted it to look nice because it never fails that when I’m with him we end up on some tabloid. Everyone pretty much knows that we just fuck each other, I mean even my own grandmother knows it. It turned into that after a drunk night I went on tour with him and Zay. I’m not sure what came over us but as she slept in my bunk I was in the back of the bus with G.

I’ll never forget that night, not because I have feelings for him, but because he has to be the best lay of my entire life. He had just finished his last number I mean It and every time he said “If I ever said I fucked your bitch…” he would look at me with pure lust in his eyes. He ended the show. Ran off stage to the back where we all followed. Zay was wearing her purple sound blocking headphones on the verge of sleep, but she stayed up to give Gewy a hug. As soon as she got it she passed out. The after party in the back of the stadium was cut short since we had to pile on the bus and head to San Diego. I was shocked when a group of girls that somehow managed to get backstage asked to get on the bus and “rock G’s World” were turned down and told to scram. Everyone began to go towards the busses when G grabbed my hand and guided me through the crown of groupies and photographers. Once we were safely on the bus G made an announcement.

“Yo if any of you motherfuckers wanna be loud go on the other bus. This is the quiet bus tonight. Zay’s gotta sleep and I ain’t in the mood for the bull shit.”

People began to pile of the bus into the other bus leaving only a handful of crew members, G, a few of his homies, me and Zay. Zay was fighting her sleep as we sat on the burgundy couches that were just before the bunks in the little kitchen area. She kept playing peek-a-boo with an exhausted raspy voiced G, but he kept playing with her. She sat on his lap facing him and just kept staring at his face. She would grab at his nose, poke at his eyes, grab his eyebrows, and put her little hand over his mouth where he would then play nibble on her fingers causing her to squeal. She kept rubbing her eyes till eventually she wrapped her arms around G to give him a hug and she passed out. Her little body was completely calm and at peace with him as she let out little soft snores. G stood up and took her to the bunk that was designated for her and I. It was a bottom bunk and he made sure no one was allowed to sleep on the one above. He laid her in the middle of the bunk covered her with her little peach baby blanket, and placed pillows all around her so she wouldn’t roll over or roll off the bunk. He even stuffed pillows on the side facing the aisle so that if she did roll there was a little wall there to protect her. I stood there watching him do all this in shock. He then motioned for me to come see the job he had done.

“She’s a stunner you know. In 15 years we’re gonna have to beat the dudes off with a stick to protect her.”

“We? G we’re homies, I told you I’m not looking to date. I gotta finish..”

“School. Yeah I know. I’m attached now. Just because we ain’t nothing doesn’t mean I’m never gonna be here for her.”

“G you say that but what happens when you keep going and touring? We can’t keep tagging along. I’m almost done with my degree and before you know it, I'll be a social worker working a 9-5.”

“True but come on Caily, you’ll be able to come out sometimes. You and Zay. I want you a part of my life even if we’re just friends. I love this kid.”

I could tell he was being honest despite the alcohol. I just wanted a stable figure in Zay’s life so I didn’t think a rapper could be that (I was eventually proven wrong.)

“Okay G. But if it gets too much, you’re the one that’s gonna have to tell Zay you’re out.”

“Never gonna happen!”

“Never say never.”

“I’m telling you it’s never and I never lie.” He smirked and bit his lower lip giving me those dreamy brown I want you eyes. I was wearing a cropped When It’s Dark Out T-shirt hand cut by me, some high waisted boyfriend jeans, kicked off the chucks a while ago so I was barefoot showing off my home pedicured black toenails. He on the other hand was freshly showered, hair wet and floppy, wearing a black hoodie, matching sweatpants, socks, and slides. He looked my body up and down again and licked his lips. I ignored this look having seen his crew do it millions of times. I walked back to the couch and he followed. I sat back and sipped on my water as he kept eyeing me.

“What?!”

“Nothing Cails. I just like looking at you.”

“That is so corny my dude,” I laughed-talked at him.

“I’m serious Cails.”

“That’s just the whiskey talking you dork.”

“Nah I’m dead serious, you’re just too stubborn and think your un-loveable to notice.”

“Oh so now you love me?”

“Yeah I got a love for you girl. You’ll never reciprocate it so I’ll just keep it,” he put his finger to his lips motioning a shhh.

“Hmm okay Gerald.”

“I like it when you say that. I like how you say it, Gerald,” he attempted to mimic the syllables like I say them.

“You’re drunk my dude.”

“Yeah maybe. But I know when I’m sober the pain feels worse because I can actually feel it.”

He looked at me with these soulful, sorrow filled eyes. I could tell in that moment he meant every word. He could tell I picked up on this vibe and leaned in. I felt the tip of his nose touched mine and pulled away. I quickly stood up.

“I better go check on Zay.”

As I walked toward the bunk he followed me. I was about to pull the curtain open when we grabbed me by my arm and spun me around. I was now looking up at him and seeing the intense lust in his eyes. His left arm was still holding on to mine as his right hand cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. His lips so soft and so sweet against mine as he just held them there against mine. He pulled away to see my reaction. I couldn’t move. The kiss stuck my feet to the floor causing me to be planted their hoping for another. He kissed me again this time with more passion making me kiss him back. We stood their in a full on mack sesh until he pulled away and walked towards the back of the bus where he sleeps. In that moment I had a choice. I could either crawl into the bunk with my daughter or run to the feeling I have been missing my whole life and give in. Before I could give it a second thought, I began to run towards him.

“Gerald.”

He turned towards me just in time for me to put my arms around his neck and kiss him. Our lips crashed against each other causing each of us to go completely numb and breathless. He mumbled “jump” while still in my kiss. I hopped up wrapping my legs around him as he began walking me towards the king size. He pushed the button to shut and lock the door behind him as we kissed. He plopped me on the bed and pulled his hoodie off over his head with one hand like all men do. I could feel myself getting wet as he then pressed his freshly bare torso onto my body. He gave me another hard passionate kiss, this time sliding his tongue over my bottom lip begging for me to allow him in. Begging to go deeper and begging to explore me. I gave in slipping my tongue into his ready opened mouth. This passionate kiss cause a throaty moan to escape from him. We kept kissing as he grinded his hips into mine, causing me to whimper. He began to kiss my neck and work his way up to my earlobe as his hand went up my shirt pawing at by titts making me moan and getting my wetter by the second. He pushed up my shirt and bra exposing my D cup titts and flush pink nipples. He admired them for a moment before giving one of my nipples a teasing lick. He stared deep into my eyes as he did this, then he began to suck on my titt as he rubbed and pinched my other nipple. I began to grind up my hips to meet his as he sucked all over both titts leaving raw love bites around each nipple. He licked at each bite causing a tinge of pain to go through my body. It was a good pain, a needed pain. By this point I was completely soaked and ready for more. He kissed down my faintly stretch marked tummy as he made his way take of my pants. As he pulled them down, I sat up on my knees, pulled my bra and shirt all the way off, wrapped my arms around him and kissed. His bare chest against my titts felt absolutely amazing. I could tell he loved it just as much as I did by the way he grabbed me closer to his body. He then brushed my hair away from my neck, then gave my hair a nice pull as he kissed my sweet spot on my neck just before my ear causing me to moan out and claw my nails along his back, and through his hair. As I clawed over him he moaned in my neck shooting warm air against my ear driving me wild. I turned his body to where I could lay him down on the bed. I pulled away from the kiss, gave him a good sloppy lust filled one ending in a lip bite before playfully pushing him on his back. I began to kiss his neck, and bite on his earlobes driving him wild. Doing so caused me to give my ass a smack shooting a tingle up to my nipples making my pussy twitch. I kissed down his body having him release little moans. I sit up on my knees again, giving him a lustful look as I began to rub his cock through the sweatpants. I pull them down revealing a beautiful pink hard cock dripping with precum. I pull the pants all the way down, removing his socks as well and begin to place kisses all over his cock as my hand caresses his balls. His breath begins to deepen as I kiss up his long thick cock towards the tip. I hold it up and look deep into his eyes and place it in my mouth. As it enters my mouth I hear his breathing change again. I wrap my lips around half of his cock and suck as I bob my head up. A moan escapes his now parted lips as I repeat the process a few more times, taking him deeper into my mouth each time. I suck up with a pop and tap the tip of his cock on my tongue.

“Ohh you dirty girl. You look so good with my cock.”

“MMMMhmmmm,” is all I let out as I take his cock back into my throat, the hum causing a vibration around his cock making him close his eyes as I begin to make oral love to his perfect 8 inch cock. Up and down, up and down, I can feel him throbbing as I bob my head taking him as deep as I can go without gagging. Ever so often I shove him all the way down past my tonsils to the point where is balls are practically in my mouth. A breathy “fuck” is the only thing that escapes his mouth each time I deep throat him down. I laid there on my belly sucking his cock for a good solid 5 closer to 10 minutes when he stopped me.

“MMMBaby stop...get over here.” He seductively growled as he pulled me up towards his face. I had my legs on either side of his body as he pulled me in for a kiss.

“HMMWhat’s wrong you can’t handle it.” I asked him as I placed kisses on his lips, along his jawline, and towards his neck.

“Uhhbaby I can it’s just I don’t wanna cum in your mouth.” He then guided my head back into the position where he could kiss my pouty lips. He slipped me the tongue and gave me a passionate french. I could feel his tongue dance with mine in my mouth in the most sexy ass way. I wanted to be cheesy and ask him where he wanted to cum but I couldn’t break from that kiss. We stayed in that position kissing like that for a while. During that time I guess I had slid down his body because I could feel the tip of his cock brush against my thong covered taint and swipe along my ass. When he felt that he let out a moan in my throat driving each of us wild causing me to grind down and hump his cock. I could feel his tip perfectly glide against my clothed clit sending waves of desire through both our bodies. I humped down on him only 3 times before he flips me over and in a lustful rush kisses down my belly to the line of my thong. You couldn’t tell how wet I truly was through the black cotton material until he rubbed his entire hand over my pussy.

“Damn Caily you’re so fucking wet.” He rubbed up and down admiring how flooded my pussy got at the sins we were committing. He quickly pulled thong off over my feet and discarding it God knows where. He began to give hard bites and kisses all along my thighs teasing my core with his warm breath. He gave a kiss right above my clit causing my hips to thrust up towards his face.

“MMMBaby you want this huh? You want me to eat this perfect pussy?” He looked me dead in the eye begging for permission and I nodded allowing him to begin his work. He licked a long straight line from my taint, between my wet lips, up past my clit leaving a kiss at the top of my pubic bone. This sent shock waves through my body. I grabbed my tits and began to toy with my nipples. This view caused a reaction in Gerald I never saw before. Like a rabid beast he began to devour my pussy. The combination of harsh licks, and clit sucking had me grinding my pussy in his face. He loved it. Every grind he would smirk and stick his tongue in my pussy, flattening it out once inside filling my pussy. Then came the fingers. He started by teasing my entrance with two fingers as he sucked my clit blowing my mind. He just kept toying with me as he sucked up all my pussy juices and grinding on his perfect face.

“Damn G finger me please.” I begged at this point. His face was in complete shock as he shoved his two long fingers up my pussy causing me to moan out and bare down hard.

“Fuuuck Baby you’re so damn tight.” My leg was now resting on his back as he made this statement. He was staring at my pussy in amazement as he now was knuckles deep in. He used his thumb to swipe my clit as he just completely finger blasted me. I was a wreck just moaning and grinding my hips feeling how amazing his fingers felt inside me. Then...he started eating my pussy again. The combination of licks and clit sucks while he was knuckles deep had me a complete mess. I was grabbing him by his hair begging him to stop or even slow down but he wouldn’t. This was right where he wanted me. He kept going and sucking to the point that I felt my entire body crash as I came. I came hard on his fingers, bearing down and trying to run away. He held me by one leg and kept sucking and finger fucking. It wasn’t long before I came again. I was a wet shaky mess as he began to slurp up all my juices. He pulled his fingers out of my pussy and I could see how wet they were. He lapped up the rest of my juice as I shuddered. When he reached my clit, I had to pull away because damn it was sensitive. He smiled as he sat up on his knees. I sat up just as he was about to lick me off his fingers. I grabbed his hand and began to suck my juices off his fingers. His face was priceless as he let out another “fuck” under his breath.

I kept licking and sucking his fingers as he watched for a seductive minute until he crashed his lips into mine. He wrapped his arms around me pulling my onto his thighs. I could feel is cock beneath my pussy just begging to enter in and explore me. I began to grind my hips down as he smacked my ass playfully. I little out a whimper causing him to smack a little harder. I moaned into his kiss as he now smacked my ass even harder but still the reserve in fear of hurting me. He began to maneuver his body as if he was going to lay me down, but before he got the chance I reached in between our bodies and guided his cock into my tight, dripping pussy. I looked him deep in his eyes letting out a gasp and creating a hitch in his breath. I slowly began to work my hips down causing his cock to climb deeper into my pussy with each small bounce. The slew of curse words spewing from his lips as I rode that fat cock, moaning and whimpering wanting him deeper yet. As I bounced up and down, his mouth met my tits and began to nip at my skin and nipples. I began riding sloppy as my legs were ready to give out due to the sheer pleasure being shot through my core and the hot spark of pain from my tits as he sucked my nipples to the point of being raw. He laid me down on my back, making sure to give me a deep long kiss as he began to pound into my pussy.

*Smack. Smack. Smack* is all you heard as he drilled his 8 full inches deep into my guts. With every thrust I whimpered into his kiss. “Fuck fuck fuck!” Is all I could let out as he fucked the absolute shit out of me. He went from kissing my lips to sucking on my neck as I clawed his back causing him to growl in pure sadistic pleasure. I don’t know exactly what he did, but with the slightest swivel of his hips, he was now hitting my spot at a different angle. Before I could even let out a sound I was seeing stars. It was the fastest build-up of electric butterflies sending currents down to my core releasing what felt like a million volts of earth shattering electricity throughout my body. He could feel me cum as my pussy began to drip even more and my walls strangled his cock.

“Fuck babygirl you’re so damn good. You like how I fuck this tight ass pussy huh?” He growled those words through clenched teeth as I begged him to keep fucking me just as he was. He swiveled his hips again sending another orgasm through my body. I bared down a little too hard and almost pushed him out.

“Nah-uh don’t you fucking push me out. Open up that pussy baby,” he begged. I did my best eventually coming down from my high in the slightest allowing his cock to go balls deep again. I knew he was getting close as his “fucks” were more frequent and his stroke was getting sloppier. I wanted him to cum so bad. No just because I didn’t feel like I could take another orgasm, but because the giver in me wanted to see pure pleasure rush over his face as he busts. I knew exactly what would push him over the edge. I reached down as far as my hand could and began to fondle his balls.

“FUCK! Oh my God, damn baby! Yes!” He was so close still. It was time to completely go for the kill.

“Cum for me Gerald! Bust that fat load in my tight little pussy. Come on baby fill me up with you cum! Nut in me baby!”

“Fuck you want that baby?!”

“Yes baby! Bust that nut all up in this pussy!” He began to grunt and thrust into me harder than he had before. I could feel the electric butterflies coming again but this time right from my pussy. I started to grind my hips the opposite of his hitting my spot a completely different way sending me to the moon. I squeezed his balls as hard as I could without hurting him and that was it. My body began shaking as I heard him pleading to God and calling out my name. I could feel his warm cum fill me up inside as he kept pumping and I kept grinding. My legs began to shake and before I knew it my entire body was a moaning quaking mess beneath G. Him seeing this decided it would be a good idea to reach down and rub my clit. If felt my whole body clamp up and a rush began to rise from my pussy. I felt like my clit was about to explode when all of a sudden, a shock wave left my body and squirt burst all over his cock. He was so turned on he kept thrusting until neither one of us could take it.

He pulled out his cock and fell next to me completely spent. I was still quivering feeling the aftershocks hit my clit like waves after a tsunami. I was a panting fool with no words being able to form out of my mouth. I could hear him next to me at a complete loss for words. With neither one of us speaking, he turned the ac down low and removed the top sheet I had completely destroyed, only leaving the fitted and the comforter. He covered the both of us and pulled me close to spoon. Damn, not only could he fuck but he wanted to cuddle too? I was getting comfortable and about to doze off when my mind went straight to Zay.

“Oh no Zay!”

“She’s fine.”

“How do you know G? She’s probably awake crying for all we know.”

“No she’s fine. Trust me!”

“G let me go check on her.”

“Listen you could do what you want but I know she’s ok.” Before I could protest he was rolling his body over towards the night stand. I assumed he was about to whip out a blunt and smoke it up, but instead he pulls out a video baby monitor. There she was. My little baby completely zonked out and snoring away.

“I put that in the bunk just in case you wanted to sleep in the bunk above her. I wanted you to have peace of mind and to rest easy.”

I could not believe how incredibly sweet he was. I ended up staying the entire night with him, fucking him one more amazing time before showering and going to lay down with Zay. Ever since then we had been fucking around whenever we got the chance. It was good for us. I didn’t have to worry about a random guy coming in and out of Zay’s life, he didn’t have to worry about a commitment. In the end we were just two friends with needs that could go to each other no matter what. We were both damaged so this worked for us.

*CHING CHING*

“Yay Gerry’s here! Gerry’s here!” I opened the door and there he stood. All 6’4” of him wrapped in leather. Smiling so big you though he won a Grammy.

“AHH Zay Zay! *muah* What’s up lil mama?” He wrapped her up in a big hug squeezing her like she was his own. He tickled her sides causing her to squeal in delight that her friend was here.

“What’s up Big Mama?” He said causing me to roll my eyes because he knew I hated that he called me that.

“Yup there she is haha.” He put Zay down and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“You ready to go G? We gotta hit the mall while the kiddies are still in school so we can get everything done.”

“Yeah fo’sho. Let me just take a leak and we’ll bounce.” He made his way to the bathroom and I put on my official G-Eazy letterman from forever ago. I was fixing my lipstick in the mirror when I feel his presence behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered how he missed me in my ear.

“G! Come on, not in front of the kid.”

“I know I know.”  We had made a deal that we would never act like a couple in front of Zay in order to keep the peace. We didn’t want to confuse her because she already knew who her dad was and we didn’t want to mess anything up. He gave me a weak smile as he picked up Zay and headed out the door. He had driven his mustang over so I was assuming that’s what we were rollin’ in.

“Really G? I thought we were going incognito?”

“We are! The black beauty is stealthy and sexy.”

“Yeah Mommy. She’s stealfy and sexy.”

“G! You look what you’re teaching her!”

“Zay Zay you can’t say that word till your 75.”

“What word?”

“That 2nd “s” word.”

“Sexy?”

“AHHHH it’s burning my ears,” he shouted as he covered his ears. Zay kept trying to repeat the word a few more attempts as he buckled her into her seat, each time causing G to “shout” and cover his ears. Eventually she stopped and we were on our way. We made our way to the mall and began to shop around. G buying anything and everything Zay wanted. He loved to spoil her no matter the cost. He would try with me but I just wasn’t into all of it. We walked up and down the mall for what seemed like 10 years. We bought snacks along the way but I was so hungry nothing was helping. We eventually stopped for a pretzel at a kiosk outside of a jewelry store in the mall. We were eating the salty treats and drinking the tart lemonade when Zay made a discovery.

“Look Mommy! Look at the pretty rings!”

“Yeah baby they’re pretty huh?”

“You should by one mommy!”

“No Baby mommy doesn’t need one.”

“Why Mommy?”

“Because Baby, only engaged people get those rings.”

“What’s engage?”

“It means people who are getting married.”

“Gerry you should buy one for my Mommy so you can get married!”

“No he shouldn’t Baby now come finish your pretzel.”

“Come on Mommy! You would look so pretty with one.”

“No Baby. Come sit down!”

“Please Gerry! Buy one so you and mommy can get married and have another baby, and you can live with me in my room and and and…”

“Zay! No enough. Now come and sit down.”

“I would Zay Zay but you’re Mommy won’t let me buy her one of those.”

“Why? Mommy why are you so mean?”

“G?! Seriously? Shut the Frick up!” I shot at him between clenched teeth and rage filled eyes. I could not believe that he had just said that to my 4 year old! Especially after all the talks we had about this. He asked a few times about why not? Why not? It’s like because dude! We can’t! I could feel my blood boil as Zay went back to eating her pretzel. I could tell G knew I was beyond livid because he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. His jaw was clenched like he had something to be pissed about. We finished our snack in complete silence and G was so gone mentally even though his body was there.

“Come on, let’s get you guys home.”

“Gerry! Can we go to cheesecake house and get food? I hungry!”

“No baby we just ate.”

“No mommy we ate a pretzel, not dinner. Come on Gerry? Please?!” At that moment my stomach growled causing both Zay and G to look at me.

“You good?” He asked slightly concerned.

“Yeah I’m chill.” I coldly replied not making eye contact at all.

“Come one let’s go get you some dinner and call it a day.”

“Nah for real. It’s good G.”

“Nah we going and then we’ll call it a day.” He said with a little more force behind his tone. We walked to the car and G put all the bags in the trunk. I strapped Zay in and I could feel him staring at me as I did so. Normally he would make some joke about how good my ass looked but he was so beyond pissed he didn’t say a word. He zipped through traffic like a bat out of hell, white knuckling the steering wheel until we arrived at the restaurant. He handed the keys to valett, took Zay out of her seat and walked into the restaurant. I followed behind him and we were sat at a table in the back. G ordered some pasta dish, and Zay copied him ordering the kids version with chicken. I opted for some fettuccine and shrimp alfredo with a small salad. Zay sat next to G eating away and playing with him the entire dinner. G ignored me and continued to eat with Zay. He didn’t even bother me for a shrimp like he always does, instead he said:

“Ooh playing it safe now yeah Cails.” He never called me Cails unless he was pissed. Zay picked up on it but kept trying to lighten the mood. She kept poking G saying “tickle tickle,” getting him to fake laugh. I ate my meal in silence as the two of them carried on. Zay eventually ordering oreo cheesecake off of the pig girl menu so her and Gerry could share. I sat there continuing to be ignored till Zay quieted down. G finally cooled down enough to talk.

“So why did you blow up Cails?”

“We’re not talking about this right now. Not in front of Zay”

“She’s about to pass out soon then we can talk. Because we are going to talk.” He was right. It didn’t take but 6 minutes before she was completely passed out in the booth. It was now fair game. He looked at me and I had nothing to say.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“There is nothing to say? We have a good thing going why ruin it?”

“Really? You’re ok with what we got?”

“Yeah don’t ruin a good thing?”

“We’ve been fucking with each other for like 3 years and you can honestly tell me you have no feelings for me other than just friends?”

“Yeah. I mean, it hasn’t been 3 solid years. You had your girls in between. Besides you said we were good.”

“Only because you never give me a heads up as to what you feel.”

“I told you I don’t feel! I just go. I don’t have time to sit back and feel. I have to do what’s best for my daughter.”

“So what you think by having a loving man who would literally die for you and the kid isn’t the best thing for her?”

“Well if that loving man wasn’t always rolling out then yeah maybe?”

“I roll out to provide and because it’s my passion. Just like you stay behind as a social worker to fulfill yours.”

“She needs stability! You think living on a tour bus or from hotel to hotel is stable? Besides you can’t just decide you want a life with us just because you got a bond with the kid.”

“A bond with the kid? Well Damn? I thought every time I fucked you we had a bond? I’m not just here for the kid! I’m here for you to but you don’t want it!”

“You never let it be known! You always said we were good with how we were. You even had other girls and I had no one else!”

“I had other girls because you never made the effort!”

“I never made the effort? G I literally would fuck you any chance we got! How is that not making an effort? Hell no! You are not blaming me on this one!”

“I have told you I want to be with you multiple times! You keep saying nah we’re good. I always tell you I love you..”

“You always tell me you got a love for me! Never that you love me!”

“Because the last time I told you that I loved you, you didn’t say anything.”

“When did you tell me you loved me?”

“The very first night I fucked you! I told you I loved you and you just looked at me like I was some sad Son of Bitch!”

“I didn’t think you were serious! I literally thought you were saying that to get me to fuck you! But at the time it didn’t matter to me because I just wanted to fuck!”

“It didn’t even matter? Wow. I told you how I felt and it didn’t even matter?”

“At the time I didn’t think you were sure.”

“Well what about now? What do you think now?”

“I think you are just getting over another break up and you’re ready for the next.”

“I literally broke up with her because she wasn’t you. She wanted to settle down and I couldn’t because all I could think about is you.”

“G! You shouldn’t have done that. She made you so happy.”

“You make me happy! You are what I want! What do I have to do to prove..that to..you,” his voice cracked at the end of his sentence. The tears began to flood his eyes and my heart began to flutter. I knew he was being honest, and I knew deep down in my heart that he cared. But was I willing to risk it all. My stability, my job, my life, all of it would be changed if I decided yes. All these thoughts were flooding my mind when I saw movement from across the table. A wooden box was placed in front of me and a huge sparkler of a ring inside.

“Caily. Baby Girl. Big Mama. You are literally the reason I get up in the morning and take my raggedy ass to the studio when I don’t feel like going. I keep grinding so I can provide for you and Zay. Yes it’s my passion, but I would give it all up tomorrow to have a stable life with the two of you. I want to go to bed with you, wake up next to you, and be in your presence for the rest of my life if you will have me. Caily Rhiannon Zavalos; will you marry me?”

I sat there across from him with tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart. I wanted what he wanted but how could I ask him to give up his entire life for me? How could I give up my entire life for him? How did any of this make sense. Before I could say a word I heard the sweetest little voice:

“Mommy?”

I looked over to see Zay’s sleepy eyes wide with happiness at the site she saw. In that moment I knew that I would have to give an answer. Say yes and give Zay the family she deserves and finally find happiness for myself; or say no to save G from losing out on his passion. But which answer was the right one?

[tellywoodtrash]

khkt 22.08.19 lb

i'm a little annoyed by nishi’s judginess, but i am also kinda on her side, coz lord, who the fuck would willingly wanna associate with suman???

also holy shit, nishi's neckpiece. it looks heavyyyyyyy as fuck. very cool, but also like it'll give her a srs neck/back problem.

wow, really playing into the sindhi stereotypes by having them casually eat papad.

OH MY GOD PPL HE LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS AND YOU'RE ALREADY TALKING RISHTA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUU

nishi raising some veryyyyyyy valid points about suman.

beta beti ko pataane ke chakkar mein, bete ki maa samdhan ko pataane ke. kya hai yeh family????

they need to have one term of reference for sukhmani. badi mumma, badi ma, dadi, it just gets too confusing. you ppl started with badi mumma, now keep at it.

rohit, raima is in a coma. she's been in one for four years. on one hand, yes i can understand, moving on feels like abandoning her, but like.... dude. 

ajit asking some difficult, but completely required questions of rohit re: raima. ki bhai aakhir what is your expectation from this situation? coz all alternatives are not healthy.

he’s still on this "i just wanna say sorry" tangent. rohit, you are seriously so dumb. if it was only about saying sorry to her, then why have you completely ceased having a romantic life? why did you get so frantic and antagonistic when people suggested the idea of moving on to you?

i can't quite tell if it's the writers' fault or a character flaw of rohit's; that they had him parroting the whole "i can never love again, ever" for the last 2 months, and now he's in complete denial of that, and going on only about apologizing for his mistake in the OT, not addressing that he was still hung up on her romantically until last week.

OMFG. SHE WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT THE SHER, BUT THEY'RE USING A STUFFED TOY?!?!?!?!?

lol ajit ke andar ka director jaag raha hai.

ASASDKJHASKJDH KYA HAI YEHHHHHHHH

yeh kya vella doctor hai. abbe woh udhar kaam kar rahi hai.... tum dono ko aaj hospital nahi jaana kya???? subaah se idhar bakchodi kar rahe ho.

"kahin sher kha toh nahi gaya usko????????" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

jab jab bhai puts his arm around ajit, i know a threat is coming, lol. bechaara chotu.

do not care about these cheapads rohan and rahul and their grossass nonsense.

this wholeeeee sequence seems like it's trolling that simar turning into a makhi waala promo. (wassssup acp anda/kali-kali-chipkaliiiiii?)

"sumit ka chehra tiger khaa gaya" lmaooooooo i can't. 

haaaye, khushi toh dekho ladki ki. saaara bedagark kar dena hai us idiot ne.

ouff, and this one's happiness.

fwding these two idiots.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh boy.

suman's silent disapproval is radiating off in wavessssss and reaching sona at her set.

god i can feeeeeeeel the tension of doing something mom doesn't approve but also asserting self as a grownass adult. phew, getting sweaty behind the knees.

oh god don't tell me veena has come at this time in the night with her rishta. ouffffffffffff.

abbe yaaaaaaaaar.

(pls note vimmi's expression, jaise woh literally koi mandir mein enter ho rahi ho.)

i love this colour and it looks soooooooooooo goood on herrrrrrrrr.

god she's sooooo pretty.

daydream lvl 5000.

sighhhhhhh, she's so happy and in the blush of new new romance feels. *puts kaala teeka*

pretty pretty baaaaabies.

japanese restaurant mein paneer chahiye isko???

"exotic paneer tikka" it seems.

badi jaldi aa gaya paneer. banake rakha hua tha, they just reheated. chee.

if a dude took my food away from me like this, he is legit getting stabbed in the hand with a fork. romance baad mein karo; pehle pet pooja, phir saara kaam dooja.

HEIN?????? SEEDHA I LOVE YOU??????? BITCH I.....

UHHHHHHHHH?????????? SONA, PLS COME BACK DOWN TO EARTH, I HAVE QUESTIONS. LOTS OF QUESTIONS. YOU SHOULD TOO??????

EVEN RAIMA HAS QUESTIONS, SHE'S WAKING UP OUT OF A COMA TO ASK WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

lmao that jankyass tattoo...

"........... aisa maine apni mom se kaha hai."

never have i felt a more gauri kumari sharma-esque urge to deliver ekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk jhaaaaaaaaaaaanp....

haaye bechaari.

omfgggggggg what the hell, is this the way to frame it?????? you should be begging her for help, not dropping this bomb on her and expecting her to comply! god!!!!!!!!!!! so fucking tactless.

stab him, sis. just a small puncture wound, but do it!!!

if the always sweet and obliging sona is snapping at the waiter, you know just how mad she is rn.

putting the blame on ajit isn't making you look any better. why is she supposed to care which idiot sippy boy's brainchild this is???????

open mouth, insert foot. dig. dig your grave even deeper. mujhe badaaaa mazaaa aa raha hai!

yeh banda aadmi hai ya pajama??? kuchhhhhhh bhi bole jaa raha hai???

fork is being pointed at the wrong dude here.

now he's all "dekho, raima ko main bhool nahi sakta..." so matter of factly.... bro, you need therapy like big time.

seriously, rohit ne bohutttttt hi easily liya hua hai sona ko. actress hai matlab har jagah acting karegi???? tum jaake cheer phaadte ho kya logon ka seena, when you're not on duty???? kuchhhhhhh bhiiii.

anika style iske mooh pe maarna chahiye tha.

"tum jo tv serial bologi main dekhloonga." wowwwww. what a generous offer.

"tumne mount everest chadha hai? acting toh tumne kii nahi. kaise pata ki dono asaan hain???" ASKKKKK HIM SISSSSSSSSSSSS

GOOD. FINALLY.

"jaaaaa na bhai!" lolololololol

oh shit, she gave shankar the parvati eyes.

she's soooooooooooo hurttttttt. my babyyyyyyyyyy.

whoop. the truth finally slipped out.

but also "pyaar"??? little too much no? it's just a crush sis. maybe a little more. but definitely not LOVE.

"sirf dost hoon." (+ the music) god. my heart. it hurtsssss.

bewakoof insaan. tum toh raima ke bhoot ke saath hi jiyo. usii ke laayak ho tum.

———————————————————————

oh god, mummy will convince sona to give it a go.

good lord, is she gonna work as a double agent????

gooooooood. die of guiltttttttttt, fool. i fucking love it!

[angrylizardjacket]

Alright Alright Alright let’s talk about Ash at the 91st Oscars

she is tempted to not even go, not that she doesn’t believe they’ll win, it’s just that she’s tired after thirty or so years of award shows.

it’s rami explicitly saying ‘i want you to be there, please’ that convinces her. if he wins best actor and she misses it she knows she’ll regret it.

she has her hair straightened and pinned up, a sleek black suit with shiny black floral detailing, and a red silk undershirt, with black kitten heels (she’s shorter than usual and joe tries to pinch her cheek and call her adorable but she smacks his hand - this is caught on camera in the back of someone else’s interview)

ash gets a group photo with the boys and allen that immediately goes on Joe's instagram captioned 'male friends ft. Ma Rocket' and ash reposts it with the caption 'accidentally adopted this cast i guess. me and the male friends. 2019.' (listen, present!ash on social media and being protective of the borhap cast is something i have a lot of thoughts about)

she also gets a photo with lucy and gillian captioned 'me and my favourite adopted children. 2019.' joe and ben are play upset on their instagram stories. rami and gwil just comments a bunch of hearts.

in terms of her own kids reactions':

astrid likes the photo

cate comments: that's valid

barney comments: my two favourite sisters (astrid and cate both like this comment, neither responds)

also consider ash calling joe ‘trixie’ on live tv in an interview, and ben crashing the interview to announce that he’s the favourite. ash goes on a thirty second tangent to fix his bowtie and compliment his outfit and steal his sunglasses. “but anyways, i love all my children equally, but gillian’s my favourite,” she says with a completely straight face wearing ben’s sunglasses with him pouting in the background

during queen’s opening performance, she’s mostly fine until the very end of we are the champions, and the sparks begin to rain down, and the clip of freddie plays and it all hits her, where she is and how much it took to get here, and she genuinely has to leave because she starts bawling her eyes out. (her makeup’s mostly waterproof so she doesn’t have to touch up too much and she manages to sneak back before borhap wins anything, but she starts crying again during rami’s acceptance speech)

barney is at the oscars because he was in a critically successful movie that earned the director a nomination, and there’s series of photos taken by a photographer that later find their way to roger’s instagram;

a photo of barney at the after party lifting ash up off the ground and spinning her around as they’re both beaming

both and ash and roger standing before him, their arms linked and their back to the camera, and ash is holding one of his hands, and roger has a hand on his shoulder, and barney just looks so fucking proud of both of them???

roger and barney in a very tight hug, and ash giving them both adoring looks

barney holding out his phone, as if he’s trying to get all three of them in shot while their backs are all to the photographer, and the picture pics up the image of cate and astrid on screen, face timing them; everyone is beaming

the series is captioned ‘won’t you hear us sing our family song?’

(BONUS: a series of videos on ben’s instagram story, all posted in the space of 30 minutes;

drunk barney saying these actual words to an also drunk joe: how dare you try and steal my mother for your nefarious purposes

joe, vaguely incomprehensible, trying to convince barney that it’s all part of a joke but also not a joke and he just adores her (in the middle of their argument, ben crash zooms into ash in the background behind them eating cheese. she throws a piece at roger and giggles)

“What the fuck, yes I know what a meme is!” Barney shouts, and proceeds to show joe the memes he has saved on his phone (ash and roger, out of focus in the background, walk out of frame)

‘luke tagged me in this one like a week ago’

it devolves into joe excitedly looking at memes and pictures of barney’s cat

‘dude is he wearing a sweater?’

‘ma made him it for christmas and it’s somehow the only clothing he tolerates’

‘rocket made your cat a sweater for christmas?’ joe is visibly teary at the idea

barney and joe, completely incomprehensible, just enthusing about ash

“this man is my brother!” barney with his arm around joe, talking to the camera very seriously

‘what about me?’ ben asks from behind the camera

‘oh obviously, you’re so much less nefarious than him, i never had a problem with you, dude.’

joe getting up in arms about being called nefarious and the fact that barney was apparently cool with the rest of the cast being adopted by ash

they seem to quickly make peace, though it’s at least twenty minutes later, as the last set of videos is joe and barney recreating the ‘you are my dad! (you’re my dad. boogie woogie woogie woogie!)’ vine, except it’s ‘mum’, and ben spins quickly to catch ash for a reaction. she’s holding roger’s hand and both of them look a little less than pristine, a little rumpled; not like super noticeably, but you could see ash’s jacket sitting a little skewed in person. she looks visibly startled by the attention, and also like she didn’t see or if she did, didn’t understand, the boys.

‘what the-’

joe: ‘where’ve you guys been anyway? gwil and brian were looking for you they want a photo’ the camera spins back around to film him, and barney is just looking at his parents through narrowed eyes. it dawns on him.

[ash, from off camera, like a warning: trixie-]

barney: joe, shut up. ma- (he looks at the camera, as if suddenly remembering) I gotta go; christ, guys. (he leaves, joe looks confused)

the camera spins back to ash and roger. ash looks embarrassed but pleased, roger is grinning.

ash: this feels familiar

roger: maybe fifty years ago

[joe, from off camera, barely audible as if he’s trying to be quiet: okay, alright, i already know too much about you guys-]

ben, also off camera, zooming uncomfortably close to roger’s face where roger’s laughing, with ben speaking as if whispering into the microphone: i played him in a movie you know

[ash, not visible as the screen is entirely filled with roger’s cheeky grin: ben stop that.]

okay so this is real long and real dumb but i love my kids.

[rocktonki]

Cool math party animals

#Cool math party animals movie

Question: Why did the two 4’s skip lunch? Question: What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse? Question: Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.Īnswer: She’s never coming back-don’t ask Y. Question: What do you call a number that can’t keep still? Question: Why should you never argue with decimals? Question: Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party? Question: What does the little mermaid wear? Question: Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it? Question: Why does nobody talk to circles? Question: What do you call an angle that is adorable? Question: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Question: Why couldn’t the angle get a loan? Question: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?Īnswer: Because you can’t drink and derive… Question: Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?Īnswer: Because they always knew X was 10.

#Cool math party animals movie

Question: What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?Īnswer: Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day! Question: What do you call dudes who love math? Question: Why should you never mention the number 288? Question: What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs? Question: Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you? Question: Where do mathematicians like to party? Question: How do you make seven an even number? Question: How do you get from point A to point B?Īnswer: Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus. Question: What’s the best place to do math homework? Question: What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own? Question: Why does algebra make you a better dancer? Question: Why are math books so darn depressing?Īnswer: They’re literally filled with problems. Question: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?Īnswer: One-she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.Īnswer: Because it gives them square roots. Question: Why was the math lecture so long?Īnswer: The professor kept going off on a tangent. Question: How do you do math in your head? Question: Why do math teachers love parks so much? Question: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? Question: Why doesn’t calculus throw major house parties?Īnswer: Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive. Question: Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?Īnswer: It was three feet deep on average. Question: A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.Īnswer: But when he rounded them up, he had 300. Question: What’s the best way to serve pi?Īnswer: A la mode. Question: Did you hear the one about the statistician. Question: How do you stay warm in any room?Īnswer: Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees. Question: My girlfriend is the square root of -100.Īnswer: She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary. Question: How come old math teachers never die?Īnswer: They tend to just lose some of their functions. Question: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?Īnswer: He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. Question: What’s the best way to woo a math teacher? Question: Why are obtuse angles so depressed? Question: Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common? Question: What do you call a number that just can’t keep still. Question: What did the zero say to the eight? Question: Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?Īnswer: She’s definitely plotting something. Question: Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5? Question: Why should you never talk to Pi?Īnswer: Because she’ll go on and on and on forever. Either way, these jokes are sure to ma ke you chuckle. These can be used as jokes for kids and students or to kid around with your mathematician buddy. Knowing their math teacher’s favorite math joke of the day helps students love math even more. These jokes are also great to use in the classroom because they can help lighten the mood and get kids excited about math class. Use them to kid around with your math savvy friend one day or as a one-liner with friends. These funny math jokes and puns are the perfect way to make math a good time. Math doesn’t always have to be hard and confusing, sometimes it can be fun. By January Nelson Updated February 12, 2021

[onelovewonderwoman]

sap || part ii/ii || peter parker x reader

heyooooooo part two of prom!! this ones just more funny and light hearted, happy ending, blah blah blah. just read to your hearts content!!

tags : @running-outta-time @i-just-wanna-run-hell @munalisax @blossombarnes @sammie-blogs @baka-chanismyname @kawaiianime03 @skymoonandstardust

words : 1563

Part i

Masterlist

---------------------------

You’d spent all of Sunday, after the prom had happened, anxious and waiting for Monday to finally make an appearance.

What Spider-Man had said to you that night made you rethink all of what feelings you thought Peter had towards you; especially since you were 95.8% sure it was him underneath the webslinger’s mask.

‘What would I say to him anyway?,’ you spent your time over the weekend thinking, “Hey, I know you’re a mutant spider guy and that you may have some feelings for me or something. How was your weekend?”

Maybe it wouldn’t be the best approach, which is why you improvised when you’d walked up to the lean boy at his locker on another dreary, rainy day,

“Hey, Peter, what’s up, my dude?”

Your eyes widened at your own words, smiling open mouthed and nervously when Peter turned around and gave you a questionable look, “Nothing much, my… dudette.”

You nodded once before turning around to leave as your face began to turn a furious red, only to be stopped by Peter grabbing onto your wrist and pulling you back to face him, “Listen, Y/N,” he interlaced his hand with yours, looking straight into your eyes, “I really want to say sorry, for, you know, the other day. That wasn’t cool, I shouldn’t have bailed on you like that.”

You let out a loud, nervous laugh, earning looks from bystanders and confusion from Peter, “What’s…, what’s going on with you?”

You look down at your interlocked hands, noticing a small, black bracelet peaking from underneath his sweater sleeve. Your head quickly shot up to face him again as you squeaked, “Nothing!”

“Y/N…,”

“I’m fine!” You let go of Peter’s hand, slowly beginning to back away from the boy, “Everything’s fine, Peter-Man!”

Your eyes widened even larger at your words, speaking even louder as you corrected yourself, “Peter, you the Man! Yeah, that’s what I meant. Peter, you the Man, ‘cause it takes a man to apologize, ya know?”

You laughed nervously again as you accidentally knocked shoulders with someone passing by, “Catch ya later, Webslinge - I mean amazing English speaker! ‘Cause you speak the English language really well!”

You turned away from the boy, who’d been baffled by your strange behaviour, and speed walked to your next class.

You’d managed to ignore Peter the first half of the day, even in English class, where you’d watched a pointless video because of the project having already been finished just before prom.

Lunch hour, however, came to a start, and a you found yourself cornered by a chatty Ned before you could make your way anywhere other than the cafeteria.

“So,” you walked with Ned to the cafeteria, the boy not letting you leave, “Why didn’t you come to the prom? I mean, I know about the whole Peter thing, but I really missed you there, and so did MJ…, well as much as she can miss someone.”

“I just wasn’t up for it,” the two of you sat at the usual table, having yet to see Peter make an appearance, “I wasn’t even that excited anyways, it’s just a stupid little dance.”

“That’s not what the tears on Saturday night say.” Michelle spoke up from the far side of the table, eyes never leaving her book.

You stared at the girl in disbelief before being cut out of your trance when a new body sat down next to Ned,

“Hey,” you looked over to see that Peter was talking to you, eyebrows raised in both amusement and care, “Are you okay? I don’t really know what was happening this morning, but I know it wasn’t normal for you.”

You nodded vigorously, “I’m fine, Spider-Ma- you have long legs like a spider, man!” You shot up from your seat, “Yeah, that’s why you run pretty well now. ‘Cause of your daddy long legs!”

Both boys stared at you wide eyed in confusion, Ned seeing the first to speak up, “Y/N… are you okay?”

You nodded, eyes just as wide as the boys’.

“You know,” Peter stood from his seat just as you had, “May really wouldn’t mind; maybe we should just skip third and fourth and go to your place.”

You shook your head, smiling nervously, “Really, I’m fine, hero - heroine! The Dark Heroine, I’ve been reading the shit out of that book. Michelle,” you shouted at the girl, making her look up in discontent and bored ness, “Great book, you should try it sometime.”

The girl squinted in annoyance before turning back, making you turn to face Peter and Ned once again,

“Okay,” Peter clapped his hands, “We’re going home. Ned, text me the homework for today.”

Peter didn’t give you any time to protest, simply grabbing onto your arm and leading you out of the cafeteria after a final thumbs up from Ned.

“Peter,” you said once you made it out the doors of the school, “I’m telling you, I’m fine!”

He gave you a bored look, sighing as he stopped when you did, letting go of your arm. His face suddenly changed into one of hurt and regret, “Is this about the prom? I mean, you’ve avoided me all day in school today; you didn’t even throw a paper ball at the back of my head like you usually do when we watch a video in English.”

It’s true. Ever since the third week of the project, after you’d thrown a paper ball to get his attention away from Ned to yourself, you found yourself doing it ever since.

“No,” you sighed, “It’s not that…, not entirely.”

“Then what is it? Y/N, I’m your…, friend, you know you can trust me.”

“I don’t know, it’s just, the other night, when you guys were at prom,” you paused for a moment, “I went out. There was this guy, he was really drunk, and he almost…, you know.”

Peter feigned shock at your revelation, uttering, “Oh, wow. God, what happened?”

“Spider-Man saved me.”

“Wow, that Spider-Man guy, a great man, huh? I actually met him, ‘cause of the Stark internship. Solid dude.” Peter spoke, voice wavering as he looked down at his shoes ever so often.

You shook your head, “Don’t flatter yourself, Parker, you still ditched me for Liz Allan,” you found yourself going on an unexpected tangent, “and to make it even better; you didn’t even stay to be with the girl you’ve always wanted to be with! And those thing you said! What did you mean when you said you feel guilty and probably rather be there with me? Do you know how confused you’ve made me for the past two days-,”

“Wait,” Peter cut you off, hands grabbing onto your shoulders, “How do you know about,” his voice lowered, “Spider-Man?”

“You didn’t ask for my address,” you shrugged before your pent up annoyance had rekindled, “But don’t try to change the subject! I’ve spent numerous amount of months dreaming of the day we’d be together in some way, a week planning for prom, a night crying over being rejected, and the other crying over confusion!”

Peter smiled gently at you, head turning to the side, “You really like me that much?”

“Duh,” you squinted in annoyance, “What, do you have a brain the size of a spider too?”

“Ouch,” Peter flinched, “But I’m gonna let that one slide ‘cause I haven’t been any better.”

The hands that had been on your shoulders began to move, allowing Peter to wrap his arms around you to pull you into a hug.

“I like you that much too,” Peter mumbled into your hair as he’d buried his face into it, “I’m sorry for being an ass on Friday.”

“What about Liz?” Your arms sling loosely around Peter’s waist, face buried in his chest, “If you like me so much, why did you ditch me for her?”

“I mean I’ve always had a thing for Liz, and I can’t say I’ve gotten over it,” he said, making you look up at him, mouth opening to protest until he spoke over you, “But I spent so much time with you, I started to fall for you without actually realizing it; and I knew I was when I saw you on prom night, just being…, you. I’m glad I was there to help you get away from that sick guy, but I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Neither should have you. You should’ve been at the prom with me, dancing with me. You shouldn’t have been at home sad, all because I was such a stupid ass for letting you slip by me like that. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“Oh, that’s a speech only a hero could make,” you laughed before biting your lip, looking into the boy’s doe eyes, “Thanks for saving me, Spider-Man; and thanks for being one of the biggest saps I will ever come across.”

“Yeah, hopefully the only one.”

Your mouth formed a grin, leaning up to plant a soft kiss on the boy’s lips. After your lips parted, you leaned back and looked into his eyes once more, “You did it again, sap.”

Peter rolled his eyes, letting out a throaty chuckle before grabbing your hand and leading you back into the school, only to have you shout in the halls,

“I’m dating Peter Parker, resident sap!”

[rookiewithachance]

ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion 

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened 

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

[aquarianlights]

Hey I just have a question, as a transboy do you wear a binder on a daily basis and how do you deal in the summer if it's hot where you are? I find that it's extremely uncomfortable when it's hot to wear an extra layer and I'm just wondering if you know of any like lighter solutions than a normal binder? Xx

I actually don’t know any lighter solutions to binders, tbh. :/ I’m sorry. My favourite binder is from a company…uhm…GC2B? Or uh…something like that. Anyways…it’s absolutely amazing. And it’s actually rather breatheable, surprisingly. It does still get hot af, though. But I mean…during the summer, if you ARE going to wear binders…wear the ones that only cover the bare minimum. Like…only ones that cover your chest and nothing else. It helps with the heat problem a bunch. 😣 Coz I mean…if you don’t wear a binder, you’re probably gonna wear a bra (I hope???) so that’s still an extra layer in a sense but holy fuck bras are SO MUCH MORE BREATHEABLE THAN BINDERS. Not to mention they don’t squeeze you like binders do. “But that’s common sense, Riles. Don’t even go there.” Okay okay sorry. Tangent.

BUT. To answer your other question…I don’t always bind in the summer for the heat reasons. If I know I’m gonna be outside for more than 30 minutes, I don’t wear a binder. I am susceptible to heat exhaustion because of my medications so I have to be really careful. Not to mention, I get hot as fuck SO easily…and it puts me in SUCH a bad mood, that if someone even so much as rubbed me the wrong way, I would probably snap their neck off. You have no idea how many physical fights I have gotten into simply because it was too hot out and I had been in the sun too long. Fucking hell, I mean, …with what global warming (cough humans cough) is doing to this planet, I would not even be surprised if wearing a binder could KILL YOU in this heat. I mean, in case you missed it, things are literally MELTING in Arizona. Like. Fuck, dude. ._. Idk about you, but, being psychologically tortured and uncomfortable is better than dying of heat stroke or heat exhaustion or yknow…being literally cooked alive from the inside out. So no I don’t really wear binders during the summer. Or hot months in general.

I don’t always wear a binder when it’s comfortable out, either. I have to outwardly portray as female around my family so I don’t get beaten or yelled at or locked up. I also outwardly portray as female when I’m at home in the south. Basically because I’m scared of getting raped or shot or burned alive or whatever. I have had cis men shout at me that they want to “rape the girl back into me” and I have had a gun pointed to my head over my expressing myself as male outwardly. So…I mean…I’m just…scared, tbh. And since I’m in MA SURROUNDED BY FAMILY (aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, …I mean…holy wow, practically my whole damn family is up here so I’m constantly in the presence of everyone AND their friends) I just don’t bother binding. However…I have fairly small breasts and I always wear a bra that tucks them close to my chest in a comfortable way (not always a sports bra). So when I put on my clothes over that…it really only looks like I have little raises on my chest. You can barely tell at all. I mean, yes, you can tell…but it covers it pretty nicely. Helps that my breasts are really small.

But…I do think that I’m gonna start binding when I go to family things now. Coz after talking to one of my second cousins, I have found out that our family is pretty open to the LGBTQIA+ population…as we have QUITE A FEW lesbians and gays in our family. I think I’m the only transgender one, though. But some…a lot…of my family knows what transgender is (surprisingly, even a lot of my older 40-50+ aged family memebers know transgender things)…and I came out to a lot of people I felt it was safe to come out to so far…so I mean…I feel like when my mom introduces me as my birth name, I am going to start stepping up and saying “Please. Call me Riley. I am transgender and I don’t go by that name anymore.” Because I’m finding out that…the north is a LOT more accepting of us than the south is. Like…I don’t feel like I’m gonna get raped or murdered here if I go out of the house with my chest bound and portrayed as outwardly male. So I’m gonna start doing that…coz, I mean… I’m going to be getting on hormones anyways so my family will find out EVENTUALLY ANYWAYS. WHY NOT NOW. UGH.

Fuck. Tangent…sorry, mate. Lol.

But ANYWAYS…to answer your questions:No, I don’t know any cooler options to a binder. If any of my followers know, PLEASE shoot me an ask to publish or respond to this ask in the thread.No, I don’t wear a binder in the summer.

And, yes, I’m completely downplaying how utterly PHYSICALLY ILL it makes me feel to go outside outwardly portraying as female…but I will be damned if I end up passing out in the middle of Boston because I couldn’t handle taking my binder off. I do NOT want to die…and that would be an EXTREMELY painful way to die. And YES the dysphoria it causes makes me FEEL like I’m dying, but…fuck it. I can’t handle heat, man…the way the binders squeeze me makes the heat thing even more unbearable. And binders+heat=panic attacks for me. Coz I feel like I can’t breathe.

So…man…the only thing I can advise is invest in some bras that push your breasts down. Sports bras are a good way to start…but I found some that are a lot softer than that, push without it FEELING like it’s pushing, and gently cup your boobs on the inside with super soft breatheable material. And most of it is netted material…so it’s nice and breatheable. I think I got them at Target? Maybe Wal-Mart. Fuck, I can’t remember.

But I SERIOUSLY recommend getting a binder from these GC2B people. I forget if that’s the right name of the company…I will edit this when I can google it. Sorry. I’m on mobile. BUT ANYWAYS dude lemme fuckin tell you about these badass binders okay. 😎 Like holy fuck where do I start. They’re fashionable, they’re breatheable, they fit like a glove when you get the right size (and omg they have AMAZING staff and customer support that will help you return yours if it’s not the right size and exchange it for another size), they don’t squeeze you to death, they’re made of REALLY nice material, they don’t pull on your shoulders, they come in a variety of colours and skin tones and different models, they’re extremely durable…and they do the job they’re designed to do. And they do it DAMN WELL. When I put mine on, you can’t tell I have boobs at all. It chisels my chest into nice pecs. Like…I could not ask for a better binder. They’re not super expensive either. I mean…yeah, they cost a good bit, but they’re not “expensive”. They cost a COMPLETELY fair amount. And I PROMISE YOU they will help you find your right size no matter how many times you have to exchange sizes. And yes they have a measuring chart…like every FTM shop should!

But anyways I’m going on another tangent.

I’m really sorry I couldn’t answer your questions…Sometimes I wear baggy tops to cover my chest when I’m feeling more dysphoric than usual. And I feel dysphoric every time I don’t bind my chest. So summer fucking sucks. Stay indoors…lol. That’s the best advice…if you do things indoors, a binder shouldn’t be a problem. A/C is a fucking miracle, tbh. 😧

If anyone has any answers or personal experience to share for this lovely person, PLEASE hit up my inbox so I can publish it…or reply to this thread so nons can keep track of it. 🙂

Ily nonny! I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I know that feel all too well… I really hope you find a solution that helps with the awful dysphoria. :/ And if you DO figure out something on your own…PLEASE come back and let me know. I would love to be able to comfortably bind during the summer without being cooked alive by the sun. Lol.

[popcornblotter]

At Home Mini Review Round-Up

Hey again, like my last post, I’m writing this just to catch up on the films I rewatched that is a part of my personal Blu-Ray collection, or something I may have found streaming. Let’s get into, there’s a lot.

#1: Star Wars: Episode 4: A New Hope

Before The Last Jedi came out, I decided to re-watch the original trilogy along with the Force Awakens. I got a little tied up with the holidays, which is why there weren’t any reviews then.

A New Hope has always been my personal favorite film of this franchise. I know a lot may disagree, going with the very popular vote that Empire is a better film. While I can agree that Empire is technically a better made film, New Hope will always be my gold star. I love the classic hero’s journey, the look and feel that this film had the job of producing was extremely well done. And honestly, if there had never been another Star Wars film, this would stand well on its own.

#2: Star Wars: Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back

Like I said, I do agree that this is a better made film, quality wise. With expanding this galaxy, there was probably an even more immense task of comparing to the quality of the first.

I’ve always loved Yoda as a character, but not because he’s this wise master who could do great things, but because sort of a little asshole to Luke when they first meet. I love the very weird performance that Frank Oz gives to this character.

I know many people on the internet claim that Empire is the darkest of the films, I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that. Yes, it has its moments, but I think people honestly forget how funny this is due to the writing and great performances by Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. What I love about the humor is that it isn’t humor for the sake of humor, it’s all generated naturally and comes form the character.

#3: Star Wars: Episode 6: The Return of the Jedi

I like Return of the Jedi well enough but as a film, it lacks a bit in pace. I like the stuff in Jabba’s Palace, it gives off the vibes of the old school serials that Lucas was inspired by. I don’t even mind the Ewoks, it’s more to do with between Jabba’s Palace and the Battle of Endor, the film slogs a little. I personally think they could’ve cut the entire scene of C-3PO reenacting the previous two films to the Ewoks. I don’t think that would have changed anything other than ramping up to the next battle.

But when it does kick into the action, its good. I think the Throne Room scene on the second Death Star is well acted and executed. Ian McDiarmid’s performance is just the right levels of terrifying and mustache twirling. But I love the shot when Luke rages out on Vader where it goes profile, and all you see are their silhouettes with their lightsabers, and the music adds so much to the tension, making you believe that Luke may actually kill Vader.

Despite that great scene, this is probably my least favorite of the original trilogy. But it’s still a fun one to go back to.

#4: Star Wars: Episode 7: The Force Awakens

Personally, I loved Force Awakens the minute I left the theater. I think it brought some new life into Star Wars while harking back to some of the old elements we love about these stories. Do I think it was a re-hash of New Hope? Hell no. I think there was some purposeful mirroring to the original trilogy. This film had a hard job to do bringing fans back after the lackluster criticism of the prequels. It had to give some of what you wanted and some new that you didn’t know you wanted.

I love all of the new characters they introduced, Kylo Ren in particular. I’ve heard a lot of criticism towards this character and the performance given by Adam Driver that I think is a tad unjustified. “He’s not as cool as Vader or Maul, he’s not as scary or calculating as Palpatine, he’s just a whiny little emo kid.” I just think that Kylo Ren is a very different kind f villain that Star Wars and its fan base has never been introduced to. I love Vader and Palpatine, even Maul give the extension his character was given in the Clone Wars animated series, but they are fairly one note. Which I honestly think is fine given for the films that they were in at the time those films were made. Other than them being evil, there wasn’t much more to them, aside from Vader. Kylo is a complex villain, and at the point we see him in Force Awakens he is nowhere close to being at the level of evil as the previously mentioned. But I think that is purposeful. When we see him talking to Vader’s helmet, we understand that he still feels the light side of the force in him when he wants to be on the dark side. I may have already said this in my Last Jedi review, but the story of Kylo Ren is his ascension into the legendary evil status of the previous Sith lords. This isn’t just a mustache twirling bad guy, this is someone you can empathize with on a certain level and understand. I think what he does in the end of this film is comparative to Anakin murdering the children in Revenge of the Sith, and the events of the Last Jedi are his Battle on Mustafar, that was his last step to becoming the villain he wants to be, which is something very novel to see in films like this. I think by the time we get to Episode 9, he’ll be at that level of evil.

But there I go again on a tangent. I think the Force Awakens is a wonderful addition to the legacy that George Lucas created.

#5: Bright

This was one of those films I checked out because the marketing for it was everywhere. I’ve worked a fair amount of movie theaters in my life, and one lesson I took from the last one was something one of my managers said. “The more promotional material you see for a movie, the more likely it is to be shit.” I took that to heart, and in my 3 years of working at that theater, I agree with that statement. Bright is no exception.

Directed by David Ayer and written by Max Landis, Bright is a film that was produced specifically to air on Netflix. From what I’ve read and heard from various podcasts and articles, they threw a lot of money at this, I don’t what that number was, but to be able to afford Will Smith, you’ve got to throw some serious money.

I’ll say that David Ayer is a kind of a director that’s work either works well, or doesn’t at all for me. I really enjoyed Fury, his World War 2 film that took a very Vietnam War approach. But on the other hand, you have Suicide Squad, which I think is giant dumpster fire that’s trying really hard to be Guardians of the Galaxy.

And Max Landis is another one of those creatives that I have a hard time placing. I think his film Chronicle, was a very interesting take on the superhero genre. But from what I’ve seen lately, he’s been hard to find a hit since. Also, I’ve found his online persona, either on Twitter or YouTube to exasperatingly grading, like giving a four year old Mountain Dew spiked with Red Bull. So where does Bright fall, why don’t you ask it’s neighbor in the dumpster.

If you’re unaware of the story, Bright is a cop film that happens to have Orcs and Elves that are a heavy handed metaphor for racism and race relations in America. This film slogs with it's pacing, making its 2 hour runtime feel like 4. The characters are so thinly veiled you could literally define their character trait as good, bad, asshole, or any combo. The writing in this film is so atrocious I couldn’t believe this was written by a grown adult. It handles cursing like a 13 year old who just discovered curse words, so that’s all they say now.

There’s not much else I can say about it, but I’d recommend a YouTube video by a woman named Lindsay Ellis who goes deep into why this film is bad and lazily hatched. Also check out any of her other video essays, they’re super entertaining and educational.

#6: iBoy

Another Netflix original that is middling to say the least. The story is of a teenage boy living in a poor area of London, when he and friend who lives nearby are attacked. Afterwards, somehow the kid attains the ability to manipulate electronics with his mind. From there, he decides to go be a vigilante, trying to punish those who hurt his friend, played by Maisie Williams. Like Bright, iBoy suffers a bit from pacing issues, but the biggest problem is not understand where the more interesting story lay.

Intermittently throughout the film we keep checking in on Maisie Williams seeing how she’s coping with the attack, not coming outside for days or weeks, avoiding school, and just overall terrified. Towards the end she gets a big moment where Williams pulls a great performance of showing someone suffering from a traumatic event. It hit me then that this film should’ve been way more focused on the friend, but then we wouldn’t have all of the tropy vigilante crap that comes from lower end films like this.

#7: The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad

This is a very weird romp of a Disney cartoon. I remember as a child watching the Sleepy Hollow section, but never seeing the Mr. Toad part. I’d found this on Hulu one day, and figured I’d give it a go.

All things that I’ll say negative or positive, the animation is extremely well done considering it came out during the 40s.

The Mr. Toad section of the film is a bit annoying in my opinion. The story is essentially about a guy who’s an asshole who doesn’t care about anyone’s well being or feelings, or his friends for that matter, until he gets scammed out of the deed for his home. Somehow he convinces his friends to help steal the deed back with some wacky action and all is fine and good. This was 30 minutes and felt 20 minutes too long.

I was more hopeful about the Sleepy Hollow story here, having somewhat fond memories of it as a kid. But man, I definitely don’t remember how much nothing happens here.

Like Mr. Toad, Ichabod Crane, the central character here, is an asshole. This weird, goofy looking dude is somehow the new town hunk that exploits the townspeople into making him extravagant meals. And when he finds a girl he “likes” and wants to marry, it’s because her father is the richest guy in town and wants the inheritance. As a kid, I don’t remember 80% of this short. I thought the Headless Horseman chase was a lot longer, but it ends up being about the last 5-10 minutes of it. Now that section is what sells it, with the creepy backgrounds, the sound effects, the music, and that blood curdling laugh of the Horseman when he shows up. In my opinion, if you have any interest in revisiting it, skip to the last ten minutes and you’ll get what you came for.

#8: Sicario

Sicario was one of those films I meant to watch when it came out, but never did. But I came across it on Hulu and thought why not.

The tension that comes from this film is palpable. The action is realistic, nerve wracking, and doesn’t shy away from looking at the harshness of the situation.

This film is proof in my opinion that director Denis Villeneuve is a master filmmaker in the beginning of his career.

I know there is a sequel coming out later this year, but without Emily Blunt’s character, but since she was the audience personified, trying to figure out what the plan was and who these people were that she was working with, I’m not sure how it will work. I do think this is a film to check out.

#9: Me Before You

I won’t lie, I can enjoy a romantic film when done well. Me Before You is about a young woman who falls in love with a paraplegic man who she cares for.

The reason this film works is the chemistry between Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin as the couple the film centers on. The relationship isn’t the immediate head over heels story, the love comes through time and work. The film is a little clunky in it's editing, with some oddly placed montages coming out of nowhere. But by the end of  it, I was balling, because I’m not afraid of crying at movies when they hit me in the feels.

#10: Philadelphia

A court trial film during the AIDS crisis, about AIDS, about homophobia, and about life. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington deliver powerful performances directed by the same guy who made Silence of the Lambs. A genuine court movie that doesn’t treat it’s audience like they’re children that moved me to tears. One of the more interesting roles that I’ve seen Hanks in. Definitely check this out.

#11: Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

An action film that I found incredibly dull and uninteresting. I personally think they should change the title of these films to Tom Cruise Wants to Die on Camera, because I honestly think Cruise tries to tempt fate each time. And it feels like he’s trying so hard to do these stunts just for the headlines.

As far as a film goes, it seemed like a rinse, wash, repeat cycle. A team of people talk about how a mission is impossible, then they do the impossible in succeeding and then they do it again. I was so bored by the 90 minute mark I didn’t even finish it. Skip this one in my opinion.

#12: Captain America: The First Avenger

And in honor of the impending war of infinity, I decided I wanted to go back and watch the historic effort done by Marvel Studios. I’ll say the only one I don’t own is The Incredible Hulk, so that review won’t be happening. Also, saw it on TV once, very meh for me. Side note, the order I’m watching these films back is in a supposed chronological order according to a couple of different sites. So here we go with the first.

Personally, I don’t think the first Captain America film gets the credit it deserves. I enjoyed it immediately out of seeing it in theaters, but what I come to understand is many see it as a middling film.

I think what this film achieves is much more than what it fails at. Chris Evans takes a character that would essentially be the “eat your vegetables” spokesman and all of its corniness, and turns Steve Rogers into a man that you can aspire to be. Even pre-Super Soldier Serum, his efforts to try and join the army and not back down from a fight are what make him a great character.

I also think this film is great for finding a gem like Hayley Atwell for playing Agent Peggy Carter. This character could’ve easily been put to the sidelines as the love interest, but the writers thought progressively and made her a woman of action. The humor, sternness, and kindness she plays Peggy is what made her so electric, hence them giving her a show to give us what happens post First Avenger, which got cancelled too early in my opinion.

What director Joe Johnston achieves at is making a story that could’ve easily been a yawn full of laughs at how dated this could’ve been, and made it a great character piece about a guy who doesn’t like bullies and will stand up to them if needed.

#13: Iron Man

Obviously, we have to give the commendations to Jon Favreau for bringing this film, otherwise the MCU wouldn’t be what it is today.

What can I say that many haven’t already said? Not much, I’m not that clever or have a thesaurus sized knowledge of words at my disposal.

But I think what this film encapsulates so well what is the backbone of most of the Marvel heroes. A person who’s seeing the injustices in the world, or universe, and can’t stand by the side while others do nothing. That’s what makes these characters rich, that most of the time they are just normal people who decide to do what they think is right.

But this film does in the end still hold up, with Robert Downey Jr. giving a great performance. Especially when you see him making that transition to hero.

#14: Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 is a very so so film. It’s not awful, it’s just not very good. Sam Rockwell and Mickey Rourke are very disappointing villains, Gwenyth Paltrow becomes more annoying to me, but that’s sort of how I feel about her in general, and there are a lot of subplots that don’t add up to much.

The film does a good job in introducing Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, and Don Cheadle as the new Col. James Rhodes.

Out of all of the efforts, this probably my least favorite film of the MCU.

#15: My Week with Marilyn

I decided to re-watch this film for Valentine’s Day. This film made me fall in love with Michelle Williams and persuaded me she needs to be in everything. She is utterly magnetic in every scene. Her and Eddie Redmayne have a wonderful chemistry that is completely believable. If you haven’t seen this film, I’d highly recommend it, if you’re like me, you may leave it with some tears.