#TW: discussion of illness

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[mosscaller]

Image description:

Text reads:

"Ableism looks like calling people ‘inspiring’ for navigating asystem that is designed for exclusion, while doing nothing to hold the system accountable."

- Carson Tueller

[wereoz]

……. spencer in prison, not able to express his autistic traits, not able to stim to deal with his stress, while it is piled on and on. without his healthy coping mechanisms, with feeling so much, just wanting to lash out, he turns to scratching himself as a replacement for stimming

[crows-talking-place]

(tw for gillion backstory stuff and curse stuff, check tags if unsure. stay safe also spoilers up to ep 97.)

still not over the thing where gil casually mentioned he had "divine health" so physically couldnt get sick. (ep 11, 57:52).

the implications, man. someone hug him please

also in retrospect it makes the whole gillion curse arc like a bazillion times worse. because the entire time he denied there was a problem, acting as if nothing was wrong until he physically couldnt hide it anymore, which is bad enough by itself, but this tells us why. that it was a learned behaviour. he didnt want to worry anyone because it had been drilled into him that being sick wasnt something that should happen. that it was a weakness, one that he shouldnt have. he was supposed to be better than this.

so he pretended he was okay.

it was all he had ever been taught to do

[necromancer-snail]

Long post about Monty under the cut because I'm a defender until the end of my days

Check tags for TWs

"Monty was evil" "Monty should have known" blah blah blah blah blah!!! Tell me you've never been betrayed by a parental figure without telling me you've never been betrayed by a parental figure. She cared for him and was the first connection he ever made - yes it was toxic, but he was a crow before he was ever human. He, with only a week of human existence under his belt, didn't have the emotional intelligence, lived experience, or support system necessary to a) realize the way she treated him was abusive, b) come to terms with her being a bad person, c) break the bond he had with her, AND d) get himself safely out of the situation while protecting others. Actually, pretty much no one who grows up in an abusive household has the ability to do all of these things until after years of healing and/or therapy!

He is not at fault for wanting her approval. It is shown she cared for him as a crow, and even though she harmed him when he was human, he still recalls being a crow - remembers her affection and how it made him feel. To him, the only way to be rewarded (not even with a material thing; with kindness) is to do exactly as she says. His relationship with Edwin wasn't solid enough for him to trust that he could get support or his emotional needs met, and while Esther wasn't reliable in that either, her conditions to receive affection and kindness were clear and easy to achieve. The only time we see her say anything rude to him or physically harm him is after Monty questions her methods or shows affection for Edwin, which means all he had to do up until episode 6 was hang out with Edwin and gain his trust.

All he knew at that point was "gain Edwin's trust = Esther approves + Edwin likes me." I'm sure she hinted at bigger plans, but having only been human a short time, never having a support system, having no reference for a healthy maternal relationship, etc, he trusted her. Anyone in his position would do the same. She was the first person to show him any sort of kindness, to fulfill his basic needs. He was vulnerable around her. There's a trust built there. It's not an easy thing to break.

He was 16 and had barely been human, barely felt things on a deeper level. A 16 year old can recognize their parent is abusive. A 16 year old can attempt to defy their parent. A 16 year old can try to escape. A 16 year old with only a week of humanity? He did try. It's unrealistic, and honestly it's insulting to victims of abuse, to expect him to have been able to recognize the extent of her plans and have the strength to escape with his life. He dies when he tries to leave. That wasn't added to the show simply to have a convenient way to get rid of Monty. It's the reality of abuse victims everywhere. The moment a victim steps out of line, they risk their life.

Engage with your media critically. Analyze the roles each character plays and their relationships and bonds. Fucking research the effects of abuse. He wanted approval from the first person who ever showed him kindness, the first person he bonded with. Children in abusive situations strive for it naturally. It takes years of working on yourself and your past traumas to fully recognize the extent of the abuse and a fuck-ton of willpower to get away from it. Those who try don't always make it.

And to be clear - if you don't like him because you find him annoying, or you simply didn't connect with his character, that's fine. But I firmly believe not liking him because he helped Esther is victim blaming.

[cuttleskulls]

I spent too much time of this for it to get caught in TikTok’s algorithm police

psa about drugs mkay

[uncanny-tranny]

In discussions about mental health, I am so tired of the only voices mattering being other people or other people who do not deal with a condition/disorder or a specific situation.

"Here's how I deal with loved ones with [x] condition!"

"If you do [y] because of [x mental health reason], you're selfish and everybody who loves you is having their lives made harder by you!"

"If your symptoms are [z], you're gross, and you deserve no sympathy for struggling"

I understand to an extent why people do this, but holy hell, as somebody who struggles and struggles often, the last thing any of us need to be told is that we're a burden that others have to carry. And it's terrible how everybody else's feelings but ours matter - even if we are the ones most affected by our condition or situation.

If you are dealing with issues surrounding your mental health and well-being, know that everything above isn't true; you are worthy of patience, understanding, kindness, and love. You are worthy of being listened to without judgment. You don't have to apologize or "make up" for who you are or what you struggle with.

[raceweek]

alex doing a podcast, one of the interviewers says georges name, he immediately calls him gorgeous and then proceeds to launch his campaign for george to start an onlyfans account. good morning

[lemongogo]

already the beginning of the end (ch.44 redraw)

[good-beanswrites]

A little alternate scene to @kyanako5972 's Amane request. I like the other drabble a bit better regarding how things would actually play out, but I couldn't resist trying something that included Fuuta. He's Amane's closest friend. He's the other person to openly say he'll go after a child and not give them special treatment. He literally looks like the orange cat she saved. I couldn't cover it all but there's just so much going on with them. Warning for references to Amane's cult/abuse mindset.

“Jeez, you scared the crap outta me…” 

Fuuta looked up to find Amane standing over his bed, staring intently as he woke. Amane knew he was doing his best to appear upset with her for the intrusion, but his grimace could be mistaken for pain in his condition. 

She knew she didn’t look much better, an eyepatch tucked under her short hair and bandages circling her body. It had taken all her strength to rise and make her way to his cell. She was used to walking off a bit of pain, but this was a different level altogether. 

She opened her mouth. She had come in here with a mission. She had her speech prepared. She didn’t write it out like her father was known to do, but she did rehearse it a few times quietly to herself, as she’d seen from him. 

Fuuta had listened to her when no one else would; there was a chance her passionate words could convince him to reject that doctor’s evil work and find the light. They could shed these bandages together, becoming pure and following their intended paths. She’d already tried removing her eyepatch several times, but there was always someone there to put it back on. It had been hard to fend off so many overbearing adults, the way her body screamed at her each time she tried. She despised them. She was suffocated by them.

But with Fuuta by her side, she could do it. There was power in numbers. Her mother, Es, Kotoko – all of them thought she was wicked. They weren’t important. They were only human. She could still be a good girl, in the ways that mattered. They could be good together. 

“Kajiyama Fuuta.”

“What?”

But the words caught in her throat. 

His voice was so weak. It was nothing like the way he spoke to her before. His eyes dulled with exhaustion, half-hidden under ginger hair. She couldn’t keep her gaze from the makeshift sling Shidou had put together with one of the bedsheets. It didn’t look much different than her own handiwork. The thought brought with it a surge of pride, which immediately made her tremble with shame. 

He had changed so much. This wasn’t the same person she had found camaraderie in before. If only she could help him. If only she could save him.

No. There was a right way and a wrong way to help him, and she mustn't be led astray. She had come here to help in the right way. Thoughts spun rapidly through her mind. Her trembling worsened. Her chest ached, and she couldn’t tell if it was from the emotions or the broken ribs. She just had to follow through. She had to be good. She had to –

“Stop being creepy,” he wheezed. “Just spit it out.”

“I – I have to go.”

She spun around. She could save Fuuta another day.

“Oi, Amane.”

“I said I have to go.”

“I'm sorry.”

She paused in the doorway to the cell. She glanced back at him, curious.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I’m just... Sorry that happened to you. It was a fucked up thing to do.”

Amane shook her head. She held her chin high. “It was meant to be, and thus, I can bear it. You must, too.”

Fuuta's laugh turned into a cough. “You’re a weird kid. But tougher than I gave you credit for.”

Amane couldn’t meet his eyes. “Thank you.”

[kiarabanetmi]

“Poison” and how it speaks to all types of abuse

Hi there! I’m posting again. This is a small analysis/commentary on how the song Poison from Hazbin Hotel describes not just sexual and drug abuse, but other types of abuse as well. If you haven’t seen Hazbin Hotel or haven’t heard the song, I’ve put a link to the song below. Even if you don’t watch the show the song is amazing and I highly recommend it. Note: this is not the official episode music video, which is triggering to people, this is the before episode release version.

I also made another post earlier on my opinions on episode 4 of Hazbin Hotel. Give it a read!

Ok, so I’m going to cover some very specific lines and moments in the song. The majority of my analysis focuses on verse two and the the final verse.

This song at its core is about abuse. Angel Dust’s type of abuse is a combination of largely S/A along with physical and verbal Abuse by his pimp Valentino. But if you analyze these lyrics, this song speaks to all types of abuse and abuse victims and/or survivors, except for a few lines that are highly specific depending on situations. I’m going to focus on how this song can speak to domestic abuse victims, myself specifically. If you do not feel comfortable hearing about the following triggers then please scroll on and have a good day. You have been warned.

So context before I get into this: I was raised with a mentally ill parent as well as victim of my other parent’s former Fiance who also verbally and emotionally abused but the two of us. My mentally ill parent suffers from untreated unconventional borderline personality disorder, known as BPD. My other parent’s ex Fiance suffers from grandiose narcissistic personality disorder, known as NPD. I am no longer in contact with the ex Fiance and have no plans to see them ever again. However, I am still suffering from my parent with BPD, specifically over the holiday. We had a major fight because they believe my other parent is truly the abuser in their reality and by taking their side, I was starting to abuse them as well. This has caused me to (at least temporarily) cut off the unhealthy parent and live with the other one full time. And the unhealthy parent is a master at verbal, emotional and psychological manipulation.

Now getting onto the actual song:

Whenever I listen to the back half of verse 1 into the first chorus, I really relate to the lyrics through personal experience. It starts at the following line:

“I shoulda known that this would happen,

“I shoulda known it when I looked into your red-hot eyes

“Spewin’ all your red hot lies”

Now let’s go back to the lyrics and how it relates to me. As part of their BPD, this is especially true, and true for those who are involved with family/spouses/loved ones who are verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe any person who has different under an abuser will relate to this simple like. At some point we know the pattern, we know the signs for when we “fucked up” as it were. And we know at some point, consciously or unconsciously, that our abuser is lying.

“What’s the worst part of this hell?

“I can only blame myself.”

This line can be relatable depending on the type abuse you suffer from. In Angel’s case, he signed his soul away (literally) to his abuser. In a way I do that with my abuser every time I choose to go see them and enter that unhealthy environment. The problem for me personally is that BPD does have patterns but I find myself surprised and shocked by them. Know that now I am doing research to try and learn how to properly deal with family members with BPD, but that personality disorder does not excuse the abuse I suffer from t I’ll his parent. Mental illness is NOT an excuse for inflicting abuse, even if it’s as complex or rarely treated like BPD. But every time I go back into that environment I can only blame myself for entering that hell willingly again. Because despite the pain I know they will inflict upon me at some point, I still love my abuser. I imagine this is a similar mindset to what other victims of domestic abuse feel as well. We walk back to our abusers, usually choosing to because we still love our abuser and hope they’ll change and this time they’re telling the truth.

But that’s usually not the case.

“Cause I know you’re poison,

“You’re feeding me poison

“Addicted to this feeling I can’t help but swallow up your poison

“I made my choice and

“Every night I’m living like there’s no tomorrow.”

In my situation I relate to this line INCREDIBLY hard. It’s not just my unstable parent who is abusive. That side of my family has a long cycle of generational abuse that I am trying to break away from. But because I grew up in that situation, despite now knowing how bad and unhealthy it is, it’s what I’m used to. And unfortunately, I am used to or addicted to that chaos. For the past few months I have lived with my healthier parent and during that time, I have developed a non-chaotic, healthy lifestyle. Growing up everything was constantly shifting and changing based on the needs/wants of my unhealthy parent, since I was predominantly in their custody in my youth. Because of this, I grew up used to that chaos, considering it normal and fine, until I was shown another alternative by my other parent when they filed for custody and finally got rid of their own abusive fiancé. But because of the way I grew up, I became used to the chaos, and every time I go back to visit my abusive parent, I run the risk of falling under their spell. And unfortunately, more often than not, I do fall for it. And when I do fall for it, I fall into survival mode once again. This means that in a sense I’m “living like there’s no tomorrow”, like Angel. I don’t think about the consequences of anything other than escalating the situation, of making sure I make it out of there without some sort of fight or confrontation.

“I got so good at being untrue,

“I got so good at telling you what you want to hear,

“I disassociate disappear”

When I enter this survival mode, as I’m sure many other abuse victims and survivors do, I tend to lose myself for a time. I become someone else in order to be who my abuser wants me to be. In my personal case, I end up regressing to a smaller helpless child (not literally, but my body language does, as an unhealthy form of self soothing, being untrue and becoming who they want me to be: someone they control. I tell them what they want to hear, usually that they are right or that their pain is valid and nothing is their fault because they are the victim (which in my parent’s case of BPD is a reality that they ACTUALLY believe). Half the time when my abuser parent is tearing into me or trying to make me feel guilty or into he the bad guy (with depressingly frequent success rates), I tend to enter a sort of humble stage. I disassociate until it’s my turn to speak. I disappear for a while until it’s safe to come back out and say or do something. And when I do disassociate it’s awful. I lose small chunks of time. This has not happened yet outside of these instances of interaction with my abuser, thank goodness, but it is still dangerous to disassociate too often. I’m sure survivors of all types of abuse have disassociated at least once in their time with their abuser.

“So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp.”

Since I grew up so used to this behavior and pattern, it is like fighting my own nature to try to stand up and not fall for the lies. It’s so hard because I still love my abuser but because of their illness and their refusal to acknowledge it or seek real treatment this pattern is unending. It’s hard to resist swallowing down the poison they force in my face and flood me with. In my case, unlike Angel, my form of poison is in a pool, slowly raising towards my mouth, and I struggle not to get it not. And I imaging that’s what most other victims of abuse also feel like. That physical, emotional, sexual, psychological abuse is a poison that if left unchecked or stayed near to long will eventually kill us, either minor abuser’s action or our own.(Note, at the end of this post I have posted links the contact information of various services to help people in these situations, at least for those in the United States). Angel’s situation is also like that too, but he’s also drugged and forced to take poison by Valentino.

“My story’s going to end with me dead from your poison.”

This line hit me hardest out of everything in the song. During the latest fight with my parent, they tore into me overall and so brutally that for the first time in my life, I truly contemplated suicide as a better alternative. The verbal and mental poison they fed me for so long overwhelmed me and I felt myself wanting to die from it. I am not suicidal now, but it was an overwhelming feeling of pain, hopelessness, feeling trapped with no escape (at one point literally when I threatened to go drinking and they blocked the door, which is a tricky situation). If I hadn’t gotten out of then not already had the support system in place that I spend years setting up and learning to build, I may not be making this post right now. And there’s thousands of others like me who are still stuck in that pool of poison, but have already choked too much and succumbed to it. Never forget them.

“Poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Im filling up my glass but it’s always hollow

“Full of poison, I’m sick of the poison,

“Wish I had something to live for tomorrow.”

And like Angel here, I’m sick of the poison as well, and every other abuse victim of any type can relate to this. At some point nothing helps anymore when you are stuck in the situation long enough. There’s no escape, and everything is hollow. There was a time when I was like this as well. My abuser had isolated me from nearly everyone else in my life save for my healthy parent, and it nearly broke me. But I found a reason to live for tomorrow at the time.

And I hope you can too. If you are reading this and relate to my story, or you heard this song and related to it in some way, then please know you are not alone. This song is not just a bop, it’s a real look at the kind of a severely abused victim that we don’t always see.

If you or your loved one are being by abused in some way, you are not alone. Here are some resources if you are in danger and need to call for help:

The Suicide Hotline: 988

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline:

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Parents

[scarfacemarston]

Tw animal illness ! Tw: Future animal death.

I hate to bother everyone again, but even though it does piss anons off, I just need to use this space.

Nikki is back in the hospital. My mom says “Why am I wanting to kill off the dog so quickly?” because I keep saying that I think she should be put to sleep. My dog has her good days and her bad days and that makes the decision so hard, but I really feel like she’s just lingering. It’s not fair to her. It’s so hard right now because I’ve had so much thrown at me. If you follow my blog, you know what that is.

Edit: vet said it’s time to put her to sleep soon.

[a-polite-melody]

Okay. Seriously.

It might be for the best that I have no options for transporting myself and a giant dog to a vet because if I could I honestly might have taken my neighbour’s dog I’m caring for to be euthanized for quality of life concerns by now. She is constantly in respiratory distress, and like. It’s severe and gets worse with basically any movement.

Like. Just now. All within a few seconds.

Zero indication beforehand that she needed to go outside. She gets up to walk over to the door. I go from the dining room to the living room to follow after her and grab her leash. She paces back over from the door panting heavily and flops down onto the ground before I can get to her. Once I’m right by her but before I can attach the leash she lays down fully into her side. I’m confused because this is usually how she tells me “no” if I offer to take her outside but she doesn’t want to. I attach the leash anyway but kinda just drop it so it’s there and attached if she changes her mind and as I do this she rises kinda quickly back up into a typical down, I assume in response to the leash being attached. It then looks like she’s about to lay on her side again but she snaps back upright, and it quickly happens again. I think maybe she was actually losing consciousness. She also pees while this is happening.

Now she’s panting really heavy and her tongue is actually fucking purple (and her tongue is naturally not exactly typical pink but like. This is not the normal colour) and she doesn’t want to move out of her pee because moving at all is only going to be more exertion.

And the dog understands none of this. Why she can’t oxygenate properly. And it seems terrifying to her. It’s terrifying for me to be watching, I don’t want to even imagine going through it with no frame of reference for it.

But it’s not my dog. But this dog Is Suffering.

Fucking hell this is awful.

Maybe I take the dog to be euthed and off myself. Take myself out in righteous fury for this dog’s condition and knowledge that I could be prosecuted for killing someone’s dog. I’m joking, mostly because, again, I have no way to actually do it. Kinda a “maybe if I fantasize about actually doing something this will hurt a little less” because I’m fucking stuck.

[the-entity-down-the-street]

I want to talk about suicide. Wish we could have more open discussion of suicidal ideation without getting shut down by goddamn search engines going "are sure you're okay??? Here's the suicide hotline!! Also we won't show you anything related to this search because it's triggering and might encourage you to self-harm!!"

Like no bitch I'm not trying to die, I'm trying to open a dialogue about suicide rates in the trans and autistic community you stupid fucking algorithm.

There's a societal squeamishness around suicide that definitely plays into why it's treated like this. Social media censors it, forcing sanitized language like "unalive yourself" because it's more ad-friendly.

Of course, hiding it doesn't discourage folks from attempting. All it does is add more stigma around suicidal thoughts, and that keeps people isolated.

There's also not enough discussion about what happens when you *recover* from suicidal ideation, and have to live with the lingering scars (psychological and physical) of it. Like, when we talk about recovery, it's always about how much better things are, how you get your life back, etc. And yes, that's important, but like most things, recovery is more nuanced as that. For me it feels like being haunted by my own ghost. It's eerie, and sad, and I'm angry about the childhood I lost to abuse and depression. It's a whole second phase of suicide recovery that I never see conversation about. Not to mention that my idea of "a future" getting stretched out by a few decades is disorienting.

We deserve to be able to talk about all this. Sorry a good chunk of my life experience isn't monetizable, or ad-friendly, or suitable for all ages. It's still worth talking about.

[transbeeduo]

anyways whenever someone is weird about the stuff i talk about regarding beeduo with bug i DO have legal rights to hit you with hammers sorry

[rose-chateau]

Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.