#TW: Past Suicide Attempt

[comment-exchange]

336. Sonata for the Broken Badass in E Minor (Khyber Shards)

Title: Sonata for the Broken Badass in E Minor 

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53167390/chapters/134530648

Platform: AO3 

Creator: YellowMagicalGirl 

Work Type: Fic 

Fandom: Khyber Shards 

Rating: T 

Pairing: Gen, Arlo Fletcher/Thora Tavin 

Word count: 3,342 

Warnings: Past Suicide Attempt, Depersonalization, Internalized Ableism 

Number of comments: 1 

Completion Status: Complete 

Short summary/description: After five years as the mindless weapon of Blackwheel, Thora is forced to become a person once more. Five years after Thora was presumed dead, her loved ones find out otherwise and try their best in the aftermath. 

[aftgficrec]

hi I'm so excited I caught you guys open :D

I was wondering if you guys could find some fics where Neil brings up his past in casual conversation or his past gets brought up because of something he said or did

Also I've read a lot of the older soulmate fics where they can feel each other's pain or communicate telepathically and stuff like that but was wondering if there are any new ones :)

Ty u so much <333

There is so much material here I decided to split it into 2 parts, one with fics about Neil’s past, and one devoted to soulmate aus.  Enjoy! - S

references to Neil’s past:

people Neil met on the run here

Foxes learn about Neil's past here

The Foxes react to Neil’s life here

The Foxes react to Neil’s scars here

The Foxes react to Mary’s abuse here

videos of neil on the run here

Neil’s secrets unravel here

Neil says ‘it’s fine I’ve had worse’ here

Neil shows off his knife skills here

‘The Bet’ here 

‘here I am, there you go again’ here

‘I'm not broken (I'm made for a mosaic)’ and ‘More Afterthoughts, Chapter 39’ here

‘arrivals/departures’ here 

‘TFC minifics...’ Ch 23 here

‘heavy hands, heavy hearts’ here

‘"I've endured far worse"’ here

‘it whistles through the ghosts still left behind’ here

you may also like:

Neil with languages/accents here

Neil with languages/accents 2 here

‘No straighter path than to struggle’ here

Neil also shows off his knife and language skills in ‘I Hope You Lie To Me’ here (ch. 9)

Neil’s past:

Andrew, I'm fine by AceSirenSinger [Rated T, 2081 words, complete, 2023]

Andrew passes through the door into the ensuite bathroom, and he freezes an instant before he understands why. The bathroom tile is smudged red, just so. Someone bled here, and then wiped it, too quickly. Andrew wants to call for Neil, but he is suddenly unsure if he is alone in his apartment.

tw: nightmares, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: knives, tw: violence

Killer Bunny by godless_writer [Rated T, 6661 words, complete, 2023]

Neil started his second year in college thinking his past was behind him. His father was dead, Riko was dead, he was no longer running – nothing left to hide from. At least that is what he thought before six FBI agents barged into his team’s practice one day. Or The team finds out Neil had to kill some of his father’s men while on the run.

tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: panic attacks

Bound for Error by confusedtoadd [Rated M, 22759 words, incomplete, last updated July 2023]

“You claim you’ve left your truth bare, yet you still lie, interesting don’t you think Nathaniel?” Neil was paralyzed, stuck between begging for her to stop and strangling her. They were a mix of his parents' wishes, his father's anger was bubbling over, his mother's survival instincts charged his legs with vigor. “Perhaps I should have stepped in sooner. No matter, they will know the truth soon, you did promise no more running, Nathaniel.” OR The foxes react to Neils life, pre-canon included.

tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: implied/referenced suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced self harm,  tw: violence, tw: blood & gore, tw: torture, tw: abuse, tw: psychological abuse, tw: panic attacks

Secrets by The_stars_ship_us [Rated T, 1265  words, complete, 2023]

Matt sees Neil's scars for the first time and Neil wakes up, still sleepy, and feels comfortable and safe enough to speak in his true accent

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: scars

The Best That You Can Hope For (is to die in your sleep) by Major_816 [Not Rated, 10840 words, complete, 2022]

The first time O’Malley saw the kid was in a low-level underground gambling ring, walls crawling with asbestos and next to every bastard inside armed with something sharp if not something packed with warped metal and gunpowder.  He couldn’t have been more than thirteen, but he surveyed the crowd of the room with years more experience than he should have. There were scars cutting across exposed bits of skin, sick looking in the light of the place and stretching hotel-bible-page-thin over crooked bones.  He was a wispy thing. Nothing more than a scrap of a boy stitched together. O’Malley was half-convinced a strong wind might blow him over, but the kid turned, those quick and clever eyes burning across the room and O’Malley could recognize that sort of fight instinct.  He saw him again half a year later in Northern Florida.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: scars, tw: panic attacks, tw: dissociation

Broken bones by All_for_the_andreil [Rated T, 1126 words, complete, 2021]

Neil gets injured during a game and freaks out. Andrew finds out what exactly happened to Neil in Baltimore.

tw: implied/referenced torture

I guess I can drop the accent now by poly_pr1nce [Rated M (we say T), 495 words, complete, 2020, locked]

Neil reveals the final thing he's been hiding about himself after the Foxes win against the Ravens and Riko's death

...'ah yes, my shirt will cover this'  by @jingerhead [tumblr, 2021]

This prompt is great, I've read some angsty fics about Neil getting hurt and they're great BUT I love the idea of Neil getting stabbed and he's just like.....'ah yes, my shirt will cover this' and everyone notices right away. I think something super angst or something more lighthearted would be equally great haha!

tw: injuries

Art

what’s life on the run like? art by @meaucrow

Thinking about all he went through trying to survive art by @microolli

[edwardallenpoe]

Um. Prepare yourself for the s&co episode. The representation (if you can even call it that) of DID is BAD. Once I realized that the person had DID I was pretty pissed to say the least. I emailed them like 4 paragraphs on how shitty that was. I feel like a Karen but it was honestly deserved. But if you’re upset by portrayals of people with DID I’d skip this one.

i opened my inbox this right after listening to it. Thank you for the heads up tho, but it is far too late.

I honestly feel a little sick. Not gonna lie.

"we now understand more about the human condition" I lost braincells, John. I think we actually DEVOLVED. We LOST knowledge of human existence with this one, chat. And then. Also. John defending Tory's. Ya this was a really fucking bad episode. Wow. It was so avoidable. That entire thing was so avoidable.

You are definitely not a Karen for emailing them, I'm low-key tempted to email them myself but I won't. I need to process that dumpster fire for a little longer. Wow.

It's like. I specifically remember Sherlock listing off DID on his disorder list in the first fucking episode. He has DID. Did Joel and co literally look up the index for the DMS-5 then put them in their notes app or something?????? Like were they just like "yeah anything and everything but PTSD for the plot mate" just for Sheelock to have smt to say?????? It's seems so impossible to me that they have such amazing rep for both PTSD and autism and such but DID was butchered that badly. Woooow. I can't even.

I love this show but that was. So bad. I rlly hope Joel says smt soon about this because woooow . That's all I can rlly say. Just wow.

[hetchiew]

hows u

Not great… going through a flare up :(

Plus I’m super stressed (about school and some conflict going on with my friends), which definitely isn’t helping

also…

We’re also coming up on (this Wednesday) the 7th anniversary of my first suicide attempt. Yes, you read that right—just 4 days after I turned 13 I tried to end my life. So I’m giving myself some time to mourn for child me during these next few days. He was so depressed and hopeless, I just want to hold him and tell him that we’re gonna be okay.🥺💔

[jadzio-writing-prowess]

PP characters and their scars:

imma put some tws, cause this feels heavy enough to warrant em, here so beware: tw eating disorder, tw scars, tw mentions of suicide attempt, tw mentions of past abuse, tw of trauma and ptsd

Inspector:

His body is deteriorated. He has always been a bony person, thin with skeleton hands. But ever since he lost his most recent job and got to work at the border, he has been disappearing in the eyes.

His ribcage started to slightly show. 

It's easy to not notice. Winter had hit in its full swing, during that time. It was easy to hide it all, under layers of clothes.

His skin was slowly getting more pale. He got more tired with each day, and went to bed sooner.

He feels faint a lot more and his voice gets weaker.

He shivers in the cold more, from the lack of protective fat.

He got more unfocused at his work, which only made his problem worse.

Altho in January things finally started getting better financially, he couldn't help, but feel more and more pressure.

He usually managed to wave off most concerns, by giving from his plate to his kids and other family members. Or by just storing some of the food ‘for later’, so it can be eaten by someone else.

He fought his hunger by drinking lots of water. It's cheaper than food.

The only scar on his body is on his right hand, from firing, from his killing gun, for the first time, during the terrorist attack, when Elisa came. His inexperience with weapons and much heavier caliber hurt his hand.

Calensk:

He has small scars all over his hands, from working different manual jobs.

Anyone would be hard pressed to see more than that.

He wears long sleeves and sweaters, all the time. Prefers ones with golf covering his neck. Not an unfamiliar sight, with the rather colder climate.

In bed, he shys away from intimacy.

He is not the best at communicating his discomfort and anxieties, with his wife. This only deepens the already existing wages in their relationship.

Under his clothes, he's hiding a plethora of big and small scars, he collected from all over the place.

Some he got from work. Something fell on him, something went wrong when handling machinery. Not an unfamiliar sight in Arstotzka, known for its less than stellar labor laws.

Some were carried from the war. He wasn't serving for the whole war and thankfully never got hit as hard as Sergiu, but he got a bullet or two in the arm. The living conditions were the biggest contributor to his scarring. Bullet wounds got infected often. The brutal terrain and unhygienic conditions, caused a leg or an arm to get cut and scar weirdly. He was glad that at least, he never stepped on any mines.

Some were smaller or blended well with others, indistinguishable as different among everything else. But these carried the most pain.

Calensk's childhood wasn't easy. Filled with labor helping around the family home. Easy to get a cut here and there, not a big issue.

But his parents. They weren't much different than most, but that didn't change much, did it. But they taught him the way of life and to keep it all to himself. For the only thing left that would show, was his body and skin. And that was easier to hide, to excuse. The teachings came in handy in the war anyway…

Sergiu:

Got a lot of scars all over his body, from the war and constant attacks at the border.

His arm and side didn't have time to properly heal before Elisa came, so he started to wear long sleeved shirts, all the time around her.

Tried his best to not flinch in pain, when she hugged him too low, tugged at his arm too hard…

Did his best to keep the wound clean, after Calensk's intervention. He kept hiding in the bathroom in the evening.

But the biggest scars decorate his psyche.

Thankfully he didn't need to hide those as much. Elisa dealt with the same war pains as him.

Loud sounds, gunshots at work and screams, are so easy to trigger him.

Nightmares and guilt waves hit him hard.

His hands tremble sometimes for no reason, destroying a lot of things that were in his hands at the time.

Sometimes all of this is just too much. He wants to just curl up with Elisa and disappear.

Sometimes the smell of gunpowder makes him feel sick and dizzy. It makes him wish they used tranq guns, like the Inspector. Sadly, that's not an option for them.

He has a scar from trying to kill himself during the war, before he met Elisa. He will never tell anyone what it's really from.

He'd like to forget that. He genuinely thinks he moved on from this now. Finding purpose in the people he loves.

The scar is an ugly reminder that stares at him in the mirror.

[harukapologist]

Milgrammies! The ever dreaded (at least by me and Haruka-fan friends) birthday tl is in less than 48 hours, Haruka's birthday tl. So

Expand on what you predict may happen in the tags if you want, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I put mine in the tags of the original post but in short, I think he'll talk/be talked to by Mikoto :3c

[littleoddwriter]

Reasons to stay alive

Hey there! As I'm currently struggling immensely with staying alive, due to an ongoing BPD episode, I wanted to write down my personal reasons for staying. I'm sharing my list because I thought it might help others to perhaps be reminded of things they don't usually consider in those dark spots. Feel free to add onto the list, create your own, etc. Share it. Keep it private. Whatever feels best to you. &lt;3 And please remember that there are no silly reasons. If it means you're going to stay another day, it is a perfect reason!

My favourite band

Renfield (2023)

Going to the cinema to see horror movies I've been looking forward to

Also, the Barbie movie

Getting to spend more time with my plushies and dolls

Seeing what my The Simpsons calendar brings each day

Attending the Horror Convention next year

Season 3 of Chucky

Buying more Chucky dolls, plus Glen(da) and Tiffany

Getting to wear my new jacket

Medically and socially transitioning

Watching TV shows with my dad that are on our list

Writing the fanfics I've been wanting to write for months and years

Writing my original story and publishing it as a book

To be a teacher

(...)

[mosspapi]

Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me

[verypsbfan019]

The Engine Drivers series: Falling out.

⚠️Content warning: Mentions of suicide, ableism, meltdowns, trauma, depression. ⚠️

Donald was skeptical about what his friends told him some hours ago so he had to look it up by himself. There was no way that Douglas did what they were saying. 

“He always takes things personally and the rest loves to dramatize everything…” thought the red haired driver. He wasn’t in a good mood; arguing with his twin brother usually had that effect on him.

But it was true. At the other side of the sheds, there was a blue engine (Caledonian blue, to be more specific, he recognized that hue as soon as he saw it) and an engine driver wearing a coat with the same color. 

“Douggie?!” Donald shouted. He noticed another detail as he got closer: His brother’s hair was black.

Douglas ignored him, he looked so focused on closing the doors of the sheds and leaving the place as soon as possible. 

“What are you doing?! You disappeared for three bloody days!!!” He kept talking but didn’t get any answer “What did you do to your hair? WHY IS YOUR ENGINE BLUE?!”

Now they were some steps apart. 

“What’s wrong with you?!”

Douglas didn’t look at him. He turned his back on Donald, ready to leave. 

The NWR 9th engine driver was finally close enough to grab his twin from the shoulders and shake him with all of his strength.

“Leave. Me. Alone. Donald.” Douglas spoked up and turned around with rage in his green eyes. 

“Don’t ignore me when I talk to you!” Donald took another step and pushed Douglas against the doors of the sheds. A few chips of wood from the old doors broke off and fell into Donald’s hair. 

Douglas never felt so much rage against his brother before but it was burning him alive at that moment. So he did something neither himself nor his brother expected: He pushed Donald away with both arms and made him fall on the floor.  

"I can't believe you are doing this, Douglas! No matter what you try to do, we'll always be brothers!!!"

“Shut up!!!” The engine driver with black hair was about to cry. 

“It’s the truth!!! You are being childish, as always!!!” Donald already lost his patience so he wasn’t aware of what he was saying. 

“I HATE YOU, DONALD, I HATE YOU”, Douglas kept shouting at the top of his lungs and began to pull his hair with one hand.

“You have not the slightest idea of how it feels to be the imperfect version of someone else!” the black haired driver continued with his eyes closed, “Everyone has always thought that I’m just the stupid and useless version of YOU! Your shadow, the broken twin, your poor little brother incapable of doing anything on his own!!!”

“My dear brother, calm down!!!” Donald stood up when he realized what he did. His twin was at the edge of a meltdown. 

"You should have let me jump off that day!!!" Douglas opened his eyes and didn’t notice he said those words aloud until he saw how Donald's expression changed to a horrified one.

"You don't... you don't mean it, r-right?" said Donald with a trembling voice. 

Douglas didn't answer, his cheeks were red and was breathing too fast. He couldn't help but run away, leaving Donald desperate for an answer.

“Douglas!!! Wait!!!” He heard a distant voice mixed with the noise on his head. His surroundings began to look sketchy and distorted while his life flashed before his eyes.

Several years ago.  

“Your child has Attention Deficit and Hyperactive disorder, Mr. and Mrs. McIntosh.” the young lady explained to the parents who were in front of her “The inattentive type: this explains why he is struggling on paying attention to the lessons and the memory issues.”

“That’s impossible, he reads a lot at home!” the mother said.

“Douglas’s just lazy, he just wants to waste time scribbling on that notebook”, added the father as looked at the green rug where his son was playing with a wooden train. “He needs more punishment, that’s all.”

“What is this?” Douglas showed his parents the piece of paper he found at his mom’s home office while looking for some books. He tried so hard not to sound angry in front of them but the three lines he’d read weren’t going to leave him alone:

Douglas McIntosh

Age: 8

Diagnosis: Attention Deficit and Hyperactive Disorder (inattentive type)

"We didn't want to label you, Douggie", they said with a forced smile on their faces. “It’s not important anymore since you and Donnie are graduating this year.”

 “As if they forgot all the times they called me lazy, childish, dramatic, weak, selfish, annoying…” thought Douglas during the confrontation. 

Donald was there, witnessing the moment. It was also a big revelation for him as well, since he didn't clearly know why his brother was described as "different" in a bad tone. 

Douglas has always seen himself as less than his twin brother. He was the imperfect twin, the broken one, the waste of potential… or that's what the people around him made him believe while growing up.

“All this time I had this AD… A-D-H-D and nobody told me.” Douglas couldn’t stop thinking about the papers he found that day. He had borrowed an Encyclopedia from the library that was two blocks away from the train station where he and Donald were working:

…attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a behavioral syndrome characterized by inattention and distractibility, restlessness, inability to sit still, and difficulty concentrating on one thing for any period of time…

It was a good change to move in with their uncle as soon as they graduated from high school. Uncle Duncan was an engine driver and lived next to a big train station.

After finishing his lecture, Douglas couldn’t stop the memories about all the times mother, father and even the teachers compared him with Donald. Even as an adult, those comments were still stuck on his mind:

"Oh, why can't Douglas be like Donald? He is such a lost cause!"

"You are not trying harder, Douglas! Your brother does the same things without problems!"

“You have excellent grades on Grammar and English literature, why don’t you make the same effort with the rest of your subjects?”

"He can't even remember the basic things!"

 "He can't do anything right!"

“Stop wasting your time on that stupid notebook! As if you truly believe you’ll become a good writer”

And the last thing that filled the glass was something he heard when he was going downstairs for some water at the kitchen when mother and father were chatting in the living room:

"I wish we had had just one child instead of two..."

That last quote convinced him that he shouldn't have been born at all. His twin brother was all what their parents needed.

None of these painful words faded away. 

Why was he in this world then?

 Mother and father even said that Douglas becoming an engine driver was totally thanks to Donald rather than because of his own efforts. This was so discouraging for him. In spite of uncle Duncan and Donald telling them that Douglas did excellent in his exams, they never believed it.

“You won’t last too long on that job”, father said on the speaker phone. “Without your brother’s help you are nothing more than a burden, Douglas.”

That was the last time the twin brothers spoke to their parents. 

“Change that sad face, Douggie! We are engine drivers now!” Donald tried to cheer his brother up but it didn’t work. 

No matter what Douglas did, he was always gonna be less than his brother.

At the end of that day, Douglas wrote on his notebook:

I often feel there is noise in my head. The same noise we hear when there is no signal on the radio. That white noise. I can’t think properly at all when this happens, I can’t connect two ideas, I can’t concentrate at al. I lose my train of thought so easily. My mind is going at the speed of light but I don’t understand what's going on. Although I scream in silence that I must move on, my body is paralyzed. How come that everyone knows what to do? When the instructions of life were given? Why does everyone assume I know what they know? 

Why nobody understands me? If I’m lazy, why do I always feel so tired? I wish I could change my brain. I wish I was normal like everyone else. 

During the last half of 1991, lots of changes arrived to the Caledonian Railway. Everyone was nervous, there were rumors about a mass dismantling of steam engines in other parts of the country. Several engine drivers lost their jobs and weren’t able to keep going with their lives after seeing their beloved steam locomotives being scrapped. 

Madness was in the air. 

“You’re lucky, Donald! You’re gonna be transferred to the Island of Sodor!” said the Controller of the railway while giving Donald a piece of paper where it was written that engine number 57676 was bought by the North Western Railway. “I’m so sorry for your brother’s engine, it’s gonna be scrapped next Monday…”

That was the last thing for Douglas. He was 25 years old and life lost sense completely in less than five minutes. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t have a backup plan. He never considered having one. 

Life was already pointless so he tried to do something that had been around for years but tried so hard to ignore: He tried to jump off a bridge. 

“One more step and everything is over. No more cold criticism, no more disappointed faces, no more frustrated dreams. Just jump. JUMP.” The voice told him. 

Donald arrived by pure coincidence since it was the route of his goods train. He saw his twin standing on the edge, staring at the water of the river.

He stopped him by grabbing the neck of his coat.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?", Donald yelled, his heart was beating so fast.

"You don't understand, Donald! You're not the one whose engine is going to be scrapped!", cried Douglas.

Of course Douglas took the news very personally. Just imagine: There are changes in the Railway, your "Mr. Perfect" brother is being transferred to somewhere else with his engine while yours would be sent to the scrap yard and you will be unemployed…

His head was repeating the same quotes, some of them from his parents, some of them from the darkest corner of his mind.

"You are incapable"

"You are useless"

"You can't do anything right"

"You can't even work as an engine driver"

"Your brother is better"

"You are broken"

"You should die"

All those awful intrusive thoughts were constantly invading him. Making him cry in the middle of the night, making his work more difficult.

"You don't understand how it feels to be a failure before the eyes of everyone", Douglas continued as he sat down on the edge of the bridge. He took of his hat and stared at his engine's number: 57647

Donald just could sit next to his twin, he didn't know what to say so he was quiet for some minutes.

"You aren't a failure, Douggie", he finally said.

"Yes, I am, that's why my engine is gonna be scrapped while you are going to a better place..."

“That’s not how it works!” Donald argued, “You’re not the only one whose engine is in danger! There are more drivers like you going through the same situation across the country!” 

“...I guess there are more useless people like me, then.”

“Douglas McIntosh!” Donald raised his voice “If you ever say that again I swear I will…”

“What? Hitting my head with my own notebook just like father and mother used to do?” Douglas looked at Donald with a deadpan face. 

“Don’t mention them, they are dead for us” Donald sighed.

None of the twin brothers talked for a long time. They stayed there, with the wind making their curly red hair dance and the noise of the water under the bridge. 

“I’m sorry, Donnie,” Douglas finally spoke. “I’ve been fighting with myself a lot lately and I finally gave up when the news arrived…”

“I have a plan,” Donald interrupted. 

“What kind of plan?” Douglas asked intrigued.

“You are coming to the Island of Sodor with me…”

Present time. 

Donald had totally forgotten about that conversation. It was such a distant memory but the feelings left were burning under his skin at that moment. He thought that after years of working on the North Western Railway buried all those horrible events of their past.

They were working together almost every day.

Their engines were saved from being scrapped.

They had a found family. 

They finally felt they belonged somewhere in the world.

Even Douglas was trying to bring back that childhood dream of becoming a writer. In fact, the rest of the Little Western collaborated to give him a typewriter as a gift (Donald refused to have a birthday gift that year because seeing his twin happy was the best gift he could ever get). 

Sure, they argued from time to time but it never went so far.

Life seemed to be perfect for both of them.

It seemed…

Although Donald saw Douglas with a new appearance, he knew that he was still the same person under the surface.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that once they were both proud of how they were so alike and now one of them pretends they are two strangers. 

Donald had been afraid that the arguments between him and Douglas were getting worse and more frequent, to the point that being brothers might not be enough to repair the cracks.

His fears became real. 

Douglas's voice from past events started to yell at him on his own head:

"You never listen to me!"

"You're just like mother and father!"

“Stop being so overprotective! I’ve worked by myself before and you know that!!!”

"I wish I was normal like you!!!"

"Just because I need help doesn't mean I am useless!"

"In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you do the opposite of whatever I said!"

It was so painful. 

After walking around the yard of the station with a flashlight in hand, he gave up. Being fair, the best thing that he could do was to leave Douglas alone and look for him with Duck, Oliver and Emily the next day. 

“This is all my fault,” Donald told himself. He turned off the flashlight and a suffocating darkness surrounded him. “I just hope we’ll get back together…”

But he didn't believe that would be possible anymore. 

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

randomly thinking about when they discharged me from the ward back in October. why did they discharge someone who their own records said was at moderate risk of suicide? I could have died. I don't really know how I got through that time, in truth. with the level of risk they assessed me as, why would you discharge someone??

[gotham-its-too-early-for-this]

Passive suicide

TW- Suicidal fantasizing, Referenced past attempt, Being passively suicidal

Jonna found life… empty.

Her girlfriend was the best. But she wasn’t really online anymore.

Her new family loved her, but bad things kept happening.

Nothing felt safe anymore.

Life didn’t feel… worth it.

But Jonna was afraid to try it.

To try ending it.

She didn’t want to deal with the shame of it not working out again.

She didn’t want her new family to deal with the pain of feeling like they failed.

But she didn’t like this life anymore.

So what if she just… stopped trying to live?

What if she stopped looking both ways before she crossed the street?

What if she stopped being as careful on high places?

What if she stopped following safety guidelines that seriously?

If it was an accident, they would grieve and move on, not having to feel like they failed her.

They’d get over her easier.

Not that she was someone you needed to dwell on anyways.

Maybe the world would truly be a better place without her, and she was just too cowardly to take the final step of ridding this family of its biggest loose end.

At least now, the world could take her out when it saw fit without her fighting it.

She just hoped it was soon.

(Ooc: I will not be paying for anybody’s therapy)

[tyrantwombat]

WOAH

wait shit fuck shit

I talk about Yoojin's webcomic suicide attempt under the cut in case anyone stumbles over here

okay so you know how Han Yoohyun found out Yoojin bought that poison pill and IMMEDIATELY jumped to the conclusion Yoojin was planning to off himself? Like, yes, extension and projection (boy's a multi-tasker) of Han Yoohyun's own paranoia and fear of Yoojin being in danger/captured/dead due to his association with him, sure, of course, whatever, but ALSO

In the webcomic (and during the chapters the author apparently had a huge hand in), Han Yoojin tries to death-by-dragon himself in front of Yoohyun right before the regression. I KNOW the Immoral Ones said Han Yoohyun being dead when the regression happened means he wasn't "overlapped" the way, say, Sung Hyunjae was, but...like. What if just a little bit got through anyway? What if?

(Or, hell, it doesn't even have to be that. Realistically, it's way more likely Han Yoohyun is reacting subconsciously to things he's picking up in Yoojin's behavior considering this is less than 24 hours after Yoojin tried to straight up kill himself, and he has no idea that happened, yes, but it did happen and he's watching the aftermath just ??? chewing on what he's seeing. Yoohyun doesn't have to be doing it consciously to still be churning up variables his brain then uses to slam 2 and 2 together as best it can under it's current contextual understanding as soon as it has an excuse.) (Look, Yoojin can pretend as hard as he wants that being flung to the past means Everything Is Fine Now and None Of The Bad Has Actually Happened So Of Course He No Longer Has Trauma About It but that is not how people work, my good man. He reached the point of attempting suicide! That does not happen in five seconds!)

But also consider: Han Yoohyun and reoccurring garbled waking nightmares springing up on him out of nowhere of The Literal Worst Day Of His Every Fucking Life ie. the day hyung almost died and then almost died again on purpose- that was so The Worst, even his past-self who has no idea what the fuck is going on is feeling it. 25yo Han Yoohyun breaking reality because he died with one of his last realizations being exactly how much he hurt his favorite person in the whole world, and therefore not one single version of him should ever know peace again. Accidentally. But also not because if he could have done that on purpose, he absolutely would. Han Yoohyun, to himself: Suffer.

You know. Healthily.

These boys give me anxiety.

[aftgficrec]

Hey! I love your page and getting fic recs! Do you have any fics where Neil goes or agrees to go to therapy? I’m good with Bee or someone else as the therapist too. It can be canon or an au. Thanks so much! :))

I was pleasantly surprised by how much we found for you! -A

previous recs:

‘another life to live’ here

‘Oakland’ here (completed)

‘you’ve been locked in here forever (and you just can’t say goodbye)’ here (updated)

‘If it means protecting you (I’ll pay my dues)’ here (updated)

‘Interlaced’ here (updated)

‘Regrowth,’ ‘To Be Close With You Is To Be Close With Myself,’ ‘I took a breath and took the knife,’ and ‘flashes of intimacy’ ch 4 here

‘call me in the afternoon’ here

‘The Wild Fox Den’ and ‘Roses Grow Between Bone’ here

‘(My Heart) Pierced By a Pin’ here (completed)

‘The Sun Still Rises’ here (updated)

‘day by day’ here

‘the shuffling of cards’ here

‘Ain’t it fun’ here

‘Breathe, idiot’ here

‘Healing’ series part 1 here, part 3 here (completed)

‘The Fear of Being Known’ here

‘That one party’ series and ‘keep telling me that it gets better (does it ever?)’ here

‘Affection can be shown in so many ways’ here

‘Ghost of You’ here 

‘Make This Leap (Geronimo)’ here

‘Tenuous’ here

‘There is Nothing You Can Say’ here (completed)

‘of ice blue eyes & twisted veins’ here

‘don't break the glass’ (completed) here

‘Bad Apple’ here 

‘Phantom Pains’ here

‘Therapy’ here

‘Birds of a Feather’ here (updated)

‘In which Neil had Aspergers and Andrew finds out.’ here 

‘For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry’ here (updated)

‘I Wanna Get Better’ here 

‘on the tip of my tongue (say something)’ parts 6 & 8 here

and more:

‘Ember’ here (completed)

‘leave the room (with a little dignity)’ here

‘Art Hoe’ here

‘Blame It On My Youth’ here (updated)

‘Black as is the Raven, He’ll Get a Partner’ (here)

‘Our body’ series, part 1 here, part 3 here, part 5 here

‘and all the roads will disappear’ here

‘crossed out’ here

‘Double Trouble’ series here

‘i had a dream (where you couldn't hear me screaming)’ and ‘hold me close, in fact bury me’ here 

‘Just closed eyes with nothing behind’ here

‘doubt thou the stars be fire’ here

‘SCAR TISSUE’ here

‘Lighter Fluid’ here

you may also like:

‘The Sound’ here

historians by cielalune [Rated M, 21508 Words, Complete, 2023]

He remembers when she didn’t smell of ash, but perfume. The times they’d play the radio to fill the quiet of the car, and she’d hum along. How she never missed a single exy practice, and cheered for him each time. She wasn’t all too different from Cass in the end. Just because she was dead didn’t mean she was buried. Five times Neil tries to come to closure about the person Mary Hatford was, and the one time he accepts who she came to be.

tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: heavily referenced rape/noncon, tw: heavily referenced csa, tw: heavily referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: sleep paralysis, tw: depressive episode, tw: flashbacks with blood & gore, tw: panic attacks, tw: dissociation, tw: victim blaming

Mommy Dearest by chronically_peach [Rated G, 915 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil doesn’t talk about his mother much but Andrew knows it’s a touchy subject for the redhead. After a session with Betsy Neil admits he’s been thinking about his mother and allows Andrew a glimpse into who Mary Hatford really was.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Pain of a Forgotten Face series by Rose_vine [Collection, 2 complete works, Updated 2021]

Part 1: Pain of a Forgotten Face [M, 3086 Words] Neil Josten is awoken by a face in his nightmares from twelve years ago, a face he barely remembers. When he tries to brush it off and go to practice, he realizes too late that some memories refuse to let themselves be forgotten.

tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: hallucinations, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: blood/gore

Part 2: A Hand to Hold Me Back From The Cliff [Not Rated, 2132 Words] After Neil collapses on the court from a flashback from when he was younger, Andrew convinces him to go to therapy. This is his first session with Bee, and it is only Andrew at his side that gives him the strength to walk through the door.

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

After the Beep by kanekei [Rated T, 1030 Words, Incomplete, Updated Sept 2023]

Neil works through his relationship with his dead mother by leaving her voice messages that she'll never hear. It’s healthy, Bee says. He can’t help but think having the Minyards as patients has skewed her perception of what that word means. The number you have reached is not available. Please leave your message after the beep.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced violence

The Foxes by akaashisramen [Not Rated, 3386 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2023]

Trans Neil is on the run from his father and goes to his uncles house. His uncle promises him protection and allows him to play Exy as long as he goes to group therapy to process his mothers death.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic nightmares, tw: implied/referenced torture

someday, we'll grow by nopunintended [Rated G, 2078 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew and Neil see Betsy for a couple's therapy session per Andrew's request.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Couples Therapy by P0tatonoah [Rated T, 2014 Words, Complete 2020]

I got a lot of comments (like 3 or 4) on my breakup fic asking for a part 2 where Neil and Andrew patch things up and live happily ever after… This is not it. But you can read it as an alternative ending if you want. 

tw: implied/referenced nonconsensual touch, tw: implied/referenced violence

NB: find P0tatonoah’s andreil break up fic ‘Home...?’ here

They sicken of the calm, they who know the storm by EdgySpaghetti [Not Rated, 3162 Words, Complete, 2023]

After storm there always comes the sun. People born into the storm, who growing up sees only black clouds and lightnings striking everywhere, just learn how to live with it, how to protect themselves from cold, wind and rain. They recognize the pattern, know that lightning will struck sooner or later and are prepared for it. What are those people to do when there is no more dark clouds? They don't know how to live in this environment, how to dress to not get too hot and how to prevent potential sunburnt. They never had to do that before. They're still expecting the lightnings.

tw: ptsd, tw: anxiety, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: anger issues

Can I finally stop running now? by gracefromspace [Rated T, 12110 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil is intrigued by a blonde baker with piercings, two therapy cats and strong arms.

tw: heavily referenced torture, tw: flashbacks with blood/gore, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: anxiety, tw: negative self image

can't blame it on my youth by PoolToast22 [Rated G, 2650 Words, Complete, 2022]

The one where Neil Josten is Fine TM. But he's also in therapy. And today Bee decided to ask him that question.

hold on to happiness by minyarday [Rated T, 551 Words, Complete, 2020]

"self esteem had never been something Neil cared about. when you are a runaway that don't even have a place to call home, you learn to prioritize certain things and forget others" only that now he has the time to think about it

I'll Come Back To You by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 6900 Words, Complete, 2022]

Some of the things he’s learned today feel like stories about someone else: Neil switched to playing striker at a tiny high school in Arizona. Aaron lives in Chicago with his wife. Andrew’s cousin calls Neil every Tuesday, because Andrew is too stubborn to pick up the phone himself. But other things are clear truths, even if they’re more abstract: Neil’s mother died. Andrew is safe. Neil was supposed to stay, but part of him is gone. - - - - It's about dreams, reality, trust, patience, and determination. It's about making promises and keeping them. You'll figure out the rest.

tw: car accidents, tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced violence

I will help you swim by unojonex [Rated E, 11699 Words, Incomplete, Updated Oct 2022]

He’s slowed down, stayed in one place for more than a few months and it's all caught up with him. In his sleep, ghosts of his past haunt him. And they have no mercy. Dreams and imagination swirl together in a confusing mix of nightmares that don't go away, even when he's awake. -- basically Neil and Andrew getting together while also dealing with a lot of trauma

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/refererenced torture, tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: suicide ideation, tw: graphic nightmares with blood/gore, tw: dissociation, tw: hallucinations, tw: panic attacks

But Touch My Tears with Your Lips by transjorts [Rated M, 4070 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2022]

Andrew is sitting across from him, expression neutral, fork in hand. He’d dragged the tinnes across the plate—purposefully, if Neil had to guess. Andrew has already cut the burrito up into tiny pieces and spears one morsel on the fork, lifting it to his mouth. “Hi,” Neil says. Andrew chews, very deliberately. “Do you feel better?” Neil frowns. “What?” Andrew eats another bite. “Did all that running make you feel better?” Neil sighs and glances down, noticing that his water has been refilled. He takes a sip. “No.”

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced sexual assault, tw: nightmares, tw: dissociation

let's just sit awhile by artiest [Rated M, 17291 Words, Complete. 2022, Locked]

Neil and Andrew don't have to keep fighting for their survival. They can settle now. It's hard, but they're trying. OR: During Neil's second year in Palmetto State, him and Andrew learn to take care of each other.

tw: severe mental health issues, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced torture,  tw: nightmares with blood/gore, tw: flashbacks,  tw: dissociation, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: vomit, tw: alcohol abuse/alcholism

I could never give you peace by freshtaylorswiftduck [Rated T, 3407 Words, Complete. 2022]

Neil has both bad and good days. Today is a bad day.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: panic attacks

10 tips to stress less, without the tips by lumos_max [Rated T, 5404 Words, Complete, AFTG Exchange Fall 2020]

A lonely Neil lets his therapist bully him into checking out the clinic's support group without too much fuss, but little did he know he wouldn't be checking out the group that day, instead meeting a dramatic hunk of a man who drives a fancy car and forgets to wipe the cream off the corner of his lip. It's only fair that Neil tries to do it for him, right?

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

“God, I have my father’s eyes.” by perks_of_being_a_writer [Rated T, 673 Words, Complete, 2022]

This is based on Family Line by Conan Gray. In this short story, Neil is at a therapy appointment where he and Betsy dive into his parental issues. This covers Neil’s abuse from both parents (because, yes, Mary was abusive and a bad mother). This is Neil learning that it's not his fault his parents hurt him and accepting that he is loved.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

"There's blood on my/your hands." by markonasurface (idwir) [Rated T, 4667 Words, Complete, 2018]

The year after his 19th birthday, the other team decides to recreate the bloody locker scene complete with a ‘Happy Birthday, Jr.’ Instead of stuffing everything down, Neil has a complete freak out and sinks into a depression.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: ptsd, tw: major depressive episode, tw: homophobia, tw: disordered eating, tw: vomit

Nothing is Safe series by hismiley16 [Rated T/M/E, Collection, 7 complete works, Updated July 2023]

Parts 3 and 7 recced here

Part 4: Written On His Skin [Not Rated, 11344 Words] The Foxes face the Ravens for the first time since Riko's death and things go as well as expected. Andrew is mildly injured on the court and isn't there to protect Neil when the new Evermore captain comes for him after the game. The team sees more than Neil ever wanted them to, including the ghost of Nathaniel he thought he'd buried in Baltimore.

tw: vomit, tw: bullying, tw: nonconsensual touch/assault  tw: dissociation, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced animal death, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

The Josten Anxiety Method by orphan_account [Rated M, 1721 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil talks to Bee about his anxiety.

tw: anxiety, tw: hallucinations, tw: dissociation, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Looking in the Mirror Never Felt so Good by Trimorphia [Rated T, 8693 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil Josten's journey to becoming a real person.

tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Achilles Come Down by infernalstars [Rated M, 5017 Words, Complete, 2020]

Neil Josten was a liar before he was anything else. In the nest, sometimes his choices were between lying and dying. He’d had a decent amount of self preservation that he’d chosen the former. But now, being free, the world felt so heavy. He wished he’d chosen dying.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: blood, tw: eating disorders focus, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: vomit, tw: depression 

prompt: Neil x therapy bullet fic by @sadboyayeron [Tumblr, 2020]

[inevitablemoment]

Promise to Survive, Persevere, and Thrive

Pairing: Gary Grooberson/Callie Spengler Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: Near death experience, past postpartum depression, past suicide attempt, pregnancy

[arsen1cs4ng0]

peace out, chipspeech fandom!!

UPDATE 2/3/23: the p0rn bots are after this post for some reason. jesus fuck.

ugh. it's about time. yep, ive left the chipspeech fandom for real and i feel GREAT about it.

the twitlonger below details my final thoughts to the fandom, as well as a mini-callout/rant on the people who drove me to leave.

i dont care if i get dogpiled for this, i'm out of here for real.

chip fandom/vsynth fandom or not, spread this, please. many of my friends are scared to talk about this shit and im one of the only few out there now who's still got the courage to speak out on this shit.

[ellie-says-nop]

I've been looking for a suit for my brothers wedding and my mom had been super supportive and helping me too. Today i kinda gave up and settled for a jumpsuit even though it is more fem than id like.. but it was fine. I went out with a friend later that day that suggested mens suits and although id thought about it i hadnt really looked... when I told my mom about it she said that what i had was really good and got teary eyed saying to not so this to her too if i can help it.. my brother was already doing so much to not do this to her... (my brothers fiance posted a pic of him today with bright colored nails 🙄and other more big wedding stuff)

Now everything she said made me feel horrible and i immediately told her i was getting the jumpsuit that its perfect and its all good.

I keep thinking that i am closer to coming out that it wont be that bad..

I am wearing more masc outfits, i have more i guess gay things on my walls, i talk about people differently, i talk about my future more, im open about not wanting kids, i wear more pride stuff, i am out to most of my friends.

but the moment she said that, i wanted to take everything ive done to be more comfortable all the progress ive done and shove it all in the closet again because the sentence i said made her have that reaction.

One fucking sentence.

And I am back to when i started 2 years ago.. my struggles with my sexuality and gender is not really about me thinking i am wrong, or about me and God idk.. its about what my parents reactions is.. what i cause to them i guess.

That is what kept me alive all those years ago when i was struggling with accepting myself and all the other bs going through my mentality ill mind..

But now it hurts. What kept me alive 10 years ago is making it get bad again.. and i don't know what to do...