#TW attempted suicide

[mooseymi]

"All you wanted was to make the hurt go away," is just the standards and practices friendly way of saying he was suicidal. "Some things are better left unsaid," is just the standards and practices friendly way of saying he committed (assissted?) suicide.

[fishsinsareacknowledged]

"If we cheated on you, would you kill us," a statement, not a question to be asked. He was demanding. Always.

"I'd kill you, yes", short and bare. The truth was so nice to hear.

"Good, kill us", he mentions it so carelessly as if it wouldn't rip your heart to tears when you rip his skin and scars apart.

"Kill us, my love. Please", always so demanding but you'd do anything for each other wouldn't you?

"Would you tell me?", his breath hitches when you ask. A shake of his head before many.

"No, I mean kill us now- I- please", he's spiraling. Shit shit shit. Erratic while he grabbed your hands, wrapping it around his neck and sobbing when he knew you couldn't. You were weak. You couldn't suffocate him like he wanted.

A knife was better, he'd grab the one in the drawer if you didn't throw it as far as you can.

No words said, nothing would have stopped him if not for you. He'd do so much for you. He doesn't want to live. He doesn't want to walk over and grab the knife.

He hears it clatter. Metal against ceramic where he can guess where it is. It's so close but he's so tired. He crawls back to bed with you. Tears escaping while he just breathes. He'll live for another day. Just another day.

[vinestaffery]

Hey guys, I am so sorry for all the angst. As for a gift, I've decided to give you all some sort of comfort scenario. I've also lately been on a very bad writer's block, so I apologize for no posts. School is back, and I am not doing well, but I decided to let my heart out through writing comfort scenarios.

Make sure to take care of yourselves and to always look out for your immediate needs. You are special, you are loved, and you are adored in this world. Even though it may not feel like there is never going to be an end to a certain pain of suffering, it will get better in the long run. You are deserving of all the love in the world; you are cherished gracefully and gently by the wind and nature. Never let yourself down. <3

Some of these scenarios may not have had written paragraphs, but I probably explained them well enough in their bullet points!!!!

CW/TW: briefly mentions of abuse/attempted kidnapping, self-harm, attempted suicide, and harrassment. These topics aren't described perfectly or explicit, but are mentioned within the scenarios. If these trigger you, please avoid this post at all costs. Thank you.

B. ZUKA.

He knew not to trust you at night alone, weary that you could've gotten lost or hurt somewhere.

People in Cross Roads can be dangerous, as the mixture of different factions all combine together there, right in the center.

When you came home late, he wanted to discuss where you were.

"Where were you all night? I was worried and concerned."

He looked serious, and it frightened you.

"I was just out with some friends."

He didn't take it too kindly that you were ignorant and gave him the cold shoulder.

Even avoiding eye contact.

He knew something was up, and he was going to get to the bottom of it.

He investigated your arms, especially the one you held onto with your spare hand.

Bruises that were scattered across your forearm

God, the fury he felt when he found out you had been harmed at night made him even more angry.

Not just angry at the prepatrator, but not even being there to help you.

To support you

What good of a boyfriend is he if he can't even protect you alone?

"Who did this?" You couldn't breathe.

"It was no one, Zuka, I promise you."

"No, who did this?" There it was.

The full-blown worry and anger that he would relish in if he found out who did it.

You listed the appearance of the demon that had tried luring you into an alleyway.

Lucky enough to escape with a few bruises, you had gotten home.

Home to where now, your boyfriend cradles you in his arms.

He treated your wounds, making sure they didn't hurt as much as they did before.

"I'm sorry for not being there." Hearing him so defeated, it was too much.

You could feel the brink of tears escaping your eyes.

"Who did this to you?" Zuka threatened. You hesitated, not wanting to burden him with your worries. But his protective nature was evident in the way he held you tighter, waiting for an answer that you weren't ready to give. The fear of retaliation from the demon kept you silent, knowing that revealing the truth could only lead to more danger.

"I... I don't know; look, it's nothing." You tried to avoid the topic. The thoughts and feelings of their hand on the direct spot were bruised; it was too much to handle. Zuka's gaze softened as he wiped away your tears, his concern evident in his eyes. "You don't have to face this alone," he reassured you, his voice filled with determination to protect you from whatever was causing you pain.

"Can I please see what they did? So I can treat it." Zuka asked, permission was key in times like these and was definitely needed. Your mindset was scattered everywhere, untidied wires trying to connect comforting topics and memories. It struggled to block out the demon moments ago. Zuka's A gentle touch on your shoulder brought you back to the present moment, his calming presence giving you a sense of security. "I trust you," you whispered, allowing him to inspect the bruise and provide the care you needed. He nodded, taking your arm into his gentle palms. They were calloused and rough, but they brought back the feeling of love and home. A place you were fond of, set in your destined memories. Zuka's Touch was a reminder of the unwavering support he always provided, a beacon of light in your darkest moments. As he began to tend to your bruise, you felt a wave of gratitude wash over you, knowing that you were not alone in facing your demons.

"There, it should be able to not hurt as much, but still be careful." Zuka muttered, his hands laying on your elbows before pulling you into a hug. He kissed the top of your forehead, swaying slowly left and right. In that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have someone like Zuka in your life. His presence brought a sense of comfort and reassurance that everything would be okay in the end. With a deep breath, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to fully embrace the warmth of his embrace.

DOM.

You understood that popularity wasn't your thing.

So did Dom.

But when it came to paparazzi, it was horrible.

Every day, you had to live with trying to cover yourself from photographers and fangirls that would pretrude on your residence.

Sometimes, I even have to deal with harassment every morning because of it.

It overwhelmed you a lot, especially when you just wanted to be with your partner.

You'd have to watch Paparazzi get scared off by Firebrand.

But one night, you had a weird text come through.

Some anonymous fangirl who had threatened the lives of you and Dom's

It was terrifying and heartbreaking to see such threats made against you for just having Dom as a partner.

Of course, you didn't want to bring it up.

Why bring up something that you can totally deal with yourself?

Oh, how you were wrong.

Days on end, you were getting texts and calls.

It made you unbearably grouchy, and Dom could tell.

When it started to get mentally twisty, your arms became a stress reliever for you.

That's when Dom had to step in after finding you in your bed, completely drained.

The phone is going off constantly.

"My Eminence, what seems to be the matter? You've been locked in your room for days."

All you could do was croak and fall to tears.

"I can't do this anymore, Dom, the calls, the messages!—"

He was shocked when he heard your phone go off again—another call.

When you went to pick it up, Dom grabbed it first before you.

A snarky, swearing demon screamed on the other side.

Death-threats and others, it was revolting to hear.

"Who is this? You best own yourself up, you freak. Harassing my girlfriend? I'll have you burnt to a crisp," and boy, that shut them up real good.

You were shaky, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down as Dom hung up and placed the phone flat on its screen.

His eyes seemed to go from rage to soft care and worry.

"My Eminence, my Universe, why didn't you tell me about this?"

You fell into his caring arms once more.

Maybe, just maybe, if you weren't afraid of speaking up, this would've ended.

The thoughts grew stronger, and he could tell.

"My Universe, Eminence, don't let thoughts that may fill your mind with unneeded water fill your mind; it was not your fault; it's okay to be afraid if you can't speak up about that stuff."

You only let out a shaky breath, a sniffle, and a sob.

"I was so afraid you'd hate me that you'd call me horrible things."

His heart broke, and you couldn't trust him at all.

"Oh, my star's goddess, I'd never hate you; I'm worried sick! Please, never ever let yourself be afraid to inform me of such poverty."

You only let out a smile and a confirming nod, which he took in as an answer.

"How about we go to your favorite store, hm? The one you love dragging me to."

SCYTHE.

Days were growing overwhelming by the second.

When you decided to move to Lost Temple as one to join Scythe, you didn't expect it to be so hard unboxing everything and walking down the streets in opposite attire.

Lost Temple and Thieves Den had entirely different aesthetics, especially for you.

Scythe knew how hard it is to change factions, especially with how they are looked down upon.

"Angel Eyes, is that you?"

You had only been ridiculed a few hours before Scythe's return home from work.

Sobbing endlessly, it never seemed to stop.

"Angel Eyes?"

Her voice was more worried as she soon began to kick down the door.

You had forgotten to get her a spare key, but mostly because of the stuff going on.

They had been rejecting all offers to you, overpricing food access, etc.

It was overwhelming.

You were subjected to such measures of torment for even being there.

"Darling! I'm coming' in on a one, two."

You unlocked the door, letting out a loud click! The door is slowly sliding open.

"Aah, my dear. What's got 'ya lockin' the door so early?"

"Just some things, safety, and all that."

Scythe knew you were wrong, as for the look in your eyes.

"Angel Eyes, I know what's up; how's about you letting me in?"

You nodded, letting her in as you watched her march on in and grab onto you.

She dragged you onto her lap as she spread her legs across the couch, laying her mechanical weapon down on the side.

Her hands lay on your hands and thighs, staring up at you.

She could see the tears that twinkled ever so neatly.

"Ya' been cryin'; what's the matter?"

"Just... some things happen, Scythe."

"Just some things, ay?"

You nodded, but she knew much more than you did.

Her eyes stared gently into yours, a gloved hand reaching to lay neatly on your cheek. Scythe sighed. "Sugar, You know you can always talk to me, right?" She whispered softly, her voice filled with genuine concern. You knew you were afraid to open up, but you did so anyway. You were hesitant.

"Some of the people in this town don't like me at all. "You really don't like me at all." Scythe's expression softened as she listened, her hand gently rubbing your cheek in a comforting gesture. "I'm sorry to hear that, sugar. But don't you worry, I've got your back," she reassured you with a warm smile. You felt a wave of relief wash over you, grateful for her unwavering support in the face of adversity.

"You're a good person, and that's all that matters," Scythe added, her eyes filled with understanding. With her by your side, you felt a newfound sense of courage to face the challenges ahead. "I know, I'm just... afraid? What if something happens to me?" Scythe's eyes darkened as she nodded. Something could happen to you if you weren't careful or someone took your presence wrongly.

"Stay vigilant and trust your instincts," she advised, her voice firm yet comforting. With Scythe's guidance, you knew you had a strong ally to help navigate the uncertainties that lay ahead. "And the broker is always a call away." Broker was a close friend of yours, so you knew what to do if Scythe wasn't around to support you.

"You got me, sugar?" Scythe asked, fingers holding onto your chin as you stared and nodded. "Yes, Scythe." She let out a smile. "That's my good, angel."

SUBSPACE.

THE GREATEST INVENTOR OF ALL OF BLACKROCK!! And he's YOUR partner!

If that didn't risk you getting strange looks from others and such an overwhelming reputation in Blackrock,.

Subspace was always busy, sometimes never having as much time as you two used to as kids.

After Medkit's whole fasco, he's been going insane over the crystals while you watched you two lose time with each other.

You thought maybe, just maybe, Subspace would slowly forget about your own existence.

But you couldn't let those thoughts trick you! He'd never do so!!!!

That's if they weren't 'true' from the start of the gossip train.

"Did you hear? Subspace was out with another demon!"

"Isn't he supposedly with someone already?"

It was heartbreaking to find out that your own partner had decided to spend time with someone entirely different, and even much longer than ever.

"I heard it was a date!"

"I feel bad for his actual partner; that's so sad."

Then, the mean comments started riding in about you.

Rumors.

Endless, endless rumors.

It was getting so much that you ended up attempting that very night.

Yours and Subspace's anniversary.

"MY PRECIOUS TREASURE!! I'M HOME!"

You sat in the bathtub, the pill bottle clear of any, as you slowly dunked your head.

"Precious? Where are you? I must tell you about my new biograft invention!!!"

Only a few more seconds, as the voice of his became nothing but a fine line of void.

The blaring light of the hospital ceiling eroded through your vision.

Was this heaven? Valhalla?

"MY PRECIOUS!!"

Subspace? Your partner? What's he doing here?

His arms wrapped around you as he sobbed. How could you do this to him? How could you leave him?

"Never, ever, do that again! You had me scared half to SOFTH!"

You stared at the pink-red demon that had been crying endlessly at you. You could tell by his puffy, red eyes.

"What happened?"

"I found you in the bathtub; I was lucky enough to even get to you in time."

The seriousness in his voice conveyed serious regret as you sobbed and cried.

"I don't deserve this; why'd you take me away? Why aren't you with the other person you met up with in the cafe?"

"ANOTHER PERSON!? What are you talking about, my precious?"

"The RUMORS!! Everyone's been talking about how you were on a date with someone else, cheating on me!!"

Subspace was confused. Is she cheating on you? Oh, he'd have his own creation chop his head off and finish him!

"Cheating!? My precious, my pearl, my gem! What ridiculous rumors you've managed to get ahold of! I'd never cheat on you, never!"

You stared at him.

"Really?"

"REALLY! I was just meeting up with Hyperlaser about my biografts and inventions! Nothing more! I had even purchased you fine, delicate flowers to put in your vase once more."

You were stunned— absolutely stunned. He never cheated on you; it was all a misunderstanding.

"But the proof? The…"

"Whoever was stalking us, my precious, it is not true! I love you with my fullest heart, and I would never replace you with anyone else. You deserve the world, if not the whole universe! I would do anything to make you happy, precious!!"

"Now, please, never pull such stunts again... I love you dearly!!!!"

Maybe, just maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

"Alright..."

"Rest, my gem!! I will be here always, from now on."

And so, you did.

[threepandas]

Bad End: Superior

When you join the military, there's a certain level of assumed risk. You're already aware that they're probably going to ask you to do things. Some of which? You might not be cool with. Internally, you have to decide where you'll be drawing the line. Where "just following orders" fucking ENDS. Especially, when, you join the military... and they assign you someplace that dumps a stack of NDAs in front of you to sign.

That stack had been about as big as a toddler.

And then... then there WERE toddlers. A compound. Deep in the ass pit of no where. Technology so cutting edge, I'm genuinely surprised it doesn't bleed people to turn on. The project? Fucking Super Soldiers.

Because of COURSE it would be.

Fuck Ethics, am I right? Rights? Those are for government officials! Now follow orders and shut up, or we'll direct your attention to the miles of uninterrupted wilderness, in which NO ONE WILL EVER FIND YOU. But, hey! You can't technically call us monsters! We're PAYING you~!

So obviously it's YOUR fault!

Every day. Every SINGLE DAY. I felt sick.

This isn't what I signed up for. How the HELL does this protect anybody? Serve ANYBODY? I felt unclean. Lost weight. My sleep cycle was a wreck. I... I couldn't fucking DO this, and it SHOWED.

I was clearly the weak link.

While others settled in? I got tense. Worn down. Sick. My contract stated I HAD to finish my rotation, so that's what was going to happen. And if the medic had to put me on sleep meds? So be it. If I had to take anti-anxiety pills? Down the hatch. Everything was shit and I FELT like shit.

I should have bagged groceries, fuck "better pay".

The guys here? Were so, SO shitty to the Soldiers. Like it was THEIR fault they might replace us. Like they even WANTED too or were give a fucking CHOICE. I had no idea how any of this was legal. Was pretty sure it WASN'T. I just... I just wanted OUT.

Room to breathe. To process my fucking horror, you know?

Instead? Day after day. I got up. Swallowed more and more fucking pills. Felt more and more exhausted and run down. Checked one more god forsaken day off the calendar until I could get OUT of here. Dressed, in uniform, and looking only halfway like I wanted to die. Try to get some breakfast.

Inevitably, INEVITABLY, have to fucking stop and interfere, with some shit head messing with a Solider. Usually one of the smaller ones. The kids. Because the big ones could Fight BACK. Break a man in fuck HALF. So the cowards went after kids instead.

Fuckers.

Get to breakfast late. Oops! They tossed out the leftovers! Didn't think you were cooooming~ Bullshit. It's retribution for stopping their fucked up games. Ratting them out to the scientists. The brass. Shoves as they go pass. Make my own damn breakfast. As I always do.

Eat alone.

Go to my office. Far side of the compound. Pass a shit ton of Soldiers. The little ones always stare. Like owls. Used to be creepy, got over it. It's how they learn. Do the jackasses honestly think? That putting me in the glorified broom closet, that is the satellite security office, is a punishment? Ha!

I stole a mini fridge weeks ago. Built a fucking nest in here.

It's like a second bunk.

Unlike SOME PEOPLE, the Soldiers actually fucking behave themselves. Honestly, they behave a little TOO much. I'm technically supposed to report a lot of the little behaviors I've seen so they can be "corrected". But would you look at THAT! I was on my break! Oh look, a painting. What's this? A text? Oops. I Saw NOTHING.

Eat shit and DIE, Dr. Atrocities!

At least... that's how my day is SUPPOSED to go. Something's? Weird.

I can't place it. But no one else seems to have NOTICED, so it HAS to probably have something to do with the Soldiers. Since I seem to be the only one on this fucking compound that actually LOOKS looks at them. Notices them, you know? Alpha isn't where he's supposed to be.

He's the OG. The proof of concept. Our so called "perfect" Soldier. He's usually in the center of the pack, leading around various Soldiers task to task. Giving orders. Generally in charge. If you look for HIM, you can get a read on things. Figure out what's up. But...

Huh.

No Alpha. No first series. Not even second wave. Worse, none of the cadets. There SHOULD be at least a FEW munchkins hanging around. Observing this or that. Following SOMEBODY like lil Owl ducklings. Yet? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Just... general Soldiers...

The little hairs prickle on the back of my neck. A stone settles in my gut. I... I decide to skip breakfast. Not hungry. Don't feel like cooking. It... it has nothing to do with the fact that my office? Has some SERIOUS blast doors. Legit bunker all on its own. Even it's own air supply, for a while.

Y...you know,

In CASE.

They never told us... what "in case" WAS.

But if I walker a little faster then normal? Don't make eye contact with anybody? Can't... Can't HELP but notice? Even HERE, where there SHOULD be a shit ton of diversity? There fucking ISN'T? Well that's between me and the blast doors.

Just three doors away from my office when the Emergency Alarm System goes off.

I fucking BOLT the remaining distance.

Throwing myself inside my office, I SLAM the door closed. Engage the highest level locks possible. Something in my gut is screaming at me. The long seconds it takes to slide into place with a mountainous THUNK, feel like an eternity. Muffled, the alarm howl on outside. I... I think I hear gun fire. Shit.

I throw myself into my chair.

Systems, up. Screens, On. What is HAPPENING?

Horror awaits me. The Carnage I always half knew was coming.

The Soldiers are armed. Synchronized. As though this were just another seige simulation. There is a VICIOUSNESS to their actions, as they cut down the doctors. Hunt down the soldier's that abused them. Held them here. They are freeing themselves and will not rest until every soul in this base is DEAD.

Fuck.

I both understand but unfortunately, kinda want to LIVE.

There's no way I'll be able to get past them. Their senses are better then mine. They are faster then me. Stronger then me. Generally BETTER then me. They were DESIGNED to be. I can... can only wait them out... hopefully.

Alpha is nearly a blur. Every shot hitting its mark. The guns becoming bludgeoning weapons when bullets run out. Table and chairs, people and armor, everything around him improvised weaponry. He's grinning like he's never had more fun in his life. Like he's FINALLY been allowed to cut loose after so long holding back.

His head is on the swivel though. Searching? For what?

The other base line's try to hold the line but...

I close my eyes. Their screams echoing through tinny speakers in my tiny office. They were absolute fucking bastards. I... I HATED them. But no one... NO ONE deserves to go like this. Oh god. According to protocol, I need to send the emergency alarm again if the cut the main office.

There's a "break glass" box I've been curious about but never thought I'd ever have to OPEN. High up on a shelf. My legs feel shakey, but I get it.

They gave me a key when they assigned me to this office. Shoved in among everything else. A lazy afterthought. Part of my uniform. Now, I take it from around my neck and unlock the box.

One standard gun and a small vial of suicide pills.

Oh god.

"She's not here. Spread out."

My head snaps up to the screens. As though somehow that will change the horrifying words I just heard Alpha say. The alarms still wail, red lights flashing, but the hallways have... oh god, have fallen silent. Bodies line them. Blood staining the God forsaken white I've come to hate so much. Alpha looks so relaxed.

Pleased even. Like everything has gone exactly as he's planned.

One of the first series hand him a pad uncaring of his bloody hands. Chances are high that samn thing is connected to the servers. It looks like on of the scientists. I watch in dread as Alpha's eyes scroll across it. As it taps through several screens. Hums. He grins.

He rolls his head up, as though merely stretching his shoulders and neck, an almost loose and lazy act. If it weren't for the INTENT in his smile. The predatory look in his eyes. Up and over his shoulder. Too look behind him at the camera.

Directly At Me.

Fuck, he knows.

He hands off the pad with an almost lazy toss. Turning sharply to march forward in a way that made me think of wolves. My hand closed around the gun in the box before me, breathing turning shallow, as I watched him take a direct path towards me. Why? WHY? Is it because I'm the only one who's left?

My eyes tracked to the other screens. The agony there.

The little bottle that offered a way out.

I... fuck it, I wasn't waiting. I slammed my hand down on the back up Emergency Alarm. Even if they cut the main office now, mine would still sent the alert. And... oh god. And at least, this should be FAST. I popped the bottle open. Gun aimed at the door. Bottle in my off hand, ready to go. I tried to remember what i was told to do. Just... just pop, chew, and swallow.

It'll only hurt for a moment.

Better then THAT, I guess, but it was... it was so fucked up.

Alpha was coming down the hall. N... No more stalling. My eye sight blurred. Hands fucking shook. God, damn it. God DAMN IT! I didn't even want to BE HERE! W...WHY?! Why did it have too-!?

It... it didn't matter.

Not now.

Not anymore, I guess.

I threw the pills back. Chewed. They were bitter. Salty. Swallowed. Some part of my brain whispered... that... that wasn't right. I recognized the poison on the bottle. Shouldn't it be swee-? No, focus. Keep your gun steady. What's done is done. No going back.

Alpha was outside my office.

"Interesting door, princess." He said, projecting his voice so I could hear it through the blast doors. I could see him. Standing dead center of a squad of Soldiers. They crowded the hallway in a loose half circle. "Looks real secure! Rather safe. But why all the hiding, sweetheart? A man might get his feelings hurt. Think you're running AWAY from him or something. And you KNOW we can't have THAT!"

"So I suggest you open up... before I Do It For You."

My hands were shaking. More and more. Heart pounding. Mouth felt... dry? It was happening. Limbs felt weak. My vision swam a little then refocused. Did so again. Again... AGAIN, louder, my brain insisted that wasn't right. These were the wrong symptoms. But... but who CARED, right? Fatal is fatal.

But... but only if it IS.

What if...

A horrific screech of metal. I jerked my head to look at the screen for the hallway out side. No. No he can't possibly-! Arm wrapped in spare armor, likely taken from some poor man's corpse, Alpha's RIGHT ARM is elbow deep in the door.

I watch, numb, as he draw it to the side. Bending screeching, groaning metal out of his way as he does. Lock components carelessly ripped out. Dumped on the floor. My breathing comes faster. I can barely see. It's... fuck. It's been too long for the pills to have been what they said they were.

Someone switched them.

What the HELL did I swallow?

I watch helplessly as my supposed bunker is forced open. A flimsy wooden door the last barrier. It swings open. I fuckin shoot. No one was there, because of course not, he's not an idiot. I just... I JUST-! A hand, calloused and stronger then steel, wraps around mine. Grip tight as it gently forces the gun away and to the side. Drags it from my grip.

I can't move... my arm falls limp at my side as the last of my strength and focus fade away. Colors are blurry at the edges. Alpha LOOMS. Tall and powerful in a way that terrifies me. I tried to be polite to the guy. Keep my distance. Clearly... clearly wasn't enough... God, I'm so scared. Please...

"Oh~ Look At YOU~" he breathes, hands that wreak of copper coming up to cradle my feverish face. Crowding close as he traps me against my chair. "Tried to take the easy way out, huh? Naughty girl. That's not gonna a fun one. But you'd have to learn eventually that you can't run, so might as well, huh? Don't worry, sweetness. Alpha team's got you."

I try to move. Protest. Anything. But my limbs won't respond. I feel lips, possessive and demanding, against my own.

"God, you're so fucking cute, pathetic like this~" Alpha groans, clearly fighting the impulse to let his hands roam "Wish it was just us. I've got MONTHS to make up. Second I find us a bed, princess, I promise. I'll take you APART~"

He reaches out, casually, to shut the alarms down. The compound falling silent. The... the other alarm was deactivated. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him effortlessly type in the "all clear" code with one hand. As though he'd practiced. He... he had, hadn't he... oh god, I was trapped.

"Shhhh, sweetness. No more tears. Just you 'n me, 'gainst the world, yeah? We're going to be PERFECT. I've got it all planned out."

"Now let's get you down to the labs. It's time to make you superior."

[cozzzynook]

The Lost Light is over Ratchet never died. Ratchet and Drift decide to go on vacation and visit some nearby planets. Rodimus at first is having a hard time he's struggling with depression. Living in Drift and Ratchet's apartment while they're gone. He's unmotivated to do anything. Self-harming and contemplating suicide.

He spends all day on social media watching videos about different things. Which inspire him to take charge of his life. He starts by trying things he sees online. He tries cooking and finds out he's really good at it and enjoys it.

He starts painting and learns about makeup and finds that he really enjoys that. He also finds a therapy group where he sees some familiar faces and some unknown. He's surprised to see Soundwave there and the two of them start talking and hit it off. Soundwave talks about some of the things he's been doing. He knows Rodimus is from Nyon and mentions this music he found from Nyon. Excited he has Soundwave show him and when the music played he started singing along. Soundwave was impressed and talked about the club he was working at and how they needed a singer.

At first, he was nervous and unsure but after talking with a therapist he decided to do it. After all, he wanted to make his own money instead of relying on Drift. The first night he sang the crowd loved him and it was a big hit. He would sing songs from Nyon and songs from other artists who'd died during the war. Then with the help of Soundwave the two of them would start writing their own songs.

It also inspired him to make his own channel where he could teach people Nyon recipes or music. Which got really popular.

He moved out of Ratchet and Drift's apartment. Finding his own little studio which he made into a very safe place for him. Where it was very fun and brightly decorated which he loved.

Slowly over time, he started falling for Soundwave although he was scared about taking that leap and going out with Soundwave, Who was letting him take his time and was always there for him.

Then Drift and Ratchet come back from their long vacation. During that time they'd talked a lot of things over and realized they both liked Rodimus and wanted to be with him.

When they finally come back Rodimus is there to greet them and he looks different. He's happier and just seems brighter in a way. They are surprised to learn he no longer lives in their apartment.

Over the next few days, they visit Rodimus' apartment and are shocked when he cooks for them. Drift notices some crystal flowers and is shocked especially when he reads the message. Rodimus tells them there from Soundwave after they released a new song.

Drift and Ratchet then learn he has begun singing at clubs and small consorts as his music takes off. Drift watching the way Rodmius talks about Soundwave realizes he's in love and that they are too late.

My brain is going so many directions with this idea & i really like it. Thank you so much for sharing.

My heart is always conflicted when it comes to picking soundrod or dratchrod because i like both.

I love when Rodimus has a hard time and contemplates suicide or self harm. To me its in his character to suffer behind closed doors and put on a front for others and believe it until he’s alone and then spirals all over again.

He would have a hard time after things end and nothing can distract him from the horrors of war. The things he’s done and the lives he’s lost and killed.

His home is gone and it can never be returned.

He’s the last of his people and he never thought of having sparklings because he feared messing them up and most bots don’t want to have multiple sparklings to the degree he would have to have to rebuild his people. So he accepts being the last of his people and the reason they die out completely.

He doesn’t talk about it and he keeps the scares he makes on himself hidden.

There’s plenty of times he’s opened his chassis late at night when alone in Drift and Ratchets apartment and opened his spark chamber to grip his spark and end it. His frame and processor always knock him out before he can do it fully and he feels this is a punishment for ruining the life of Nyon and all the mechs he’s killed under his terrible leadership.

So he coasts along not really accepting his fate but too weak to try again since the last one really hurt him. Left him knocked out for days on end and starving.

His colors faded deep reds that look black without light. His optics are dim and his frame is a lot thinner than it used to be.

He lets his datapad run to fill the silence in the early morning and thats how he finds a show that makes his spoiler lift a tad bit.

Its a cooking channel that makes his spark buzz a tad brighter and soon he’s binge watching it. Its what helps him get out of bed and now he’s moving around cleaning their apartment.

His frame is still weak, he’s still not back to his old color and his spark hasn’t felt the same since.

He flashes to memory files of holding his spark out of its core and how he really almost succeeded.

He feels something churn in the pit of his tanks and he hates the way his gestation pouch can be felt and seen now without the extra layers hiding it.

To escape the pain he turns on his datapad and sees an art channel.

He’s remembering how much he once loved art and how good he used to be at carving on his desk and the art pieces he used to make when Nyon still lived.

He’s finding himself leaving the apartment for the first time in three months to get food and art supplies.

The guilt eats at him when he uses Drifts money and he thinks of selling his art so he can pay him back. He knows he can never pay him back in full but he can stop living on his shanix.

For the first time in a long time, Rodimus feels happy as he listens to music and cooks a traditional Nyonian dish that he accidentally uploads to ether space. Before he can take it off bots are watching and asking for more.

None know its him since his frame and paint are drastically different and his face isn’t in it. That actually encourages him to make more since no one knows its him and so he makes another video and another until he has at least ten uploaded and viewers are asking him to show the painting he planned on selling that he created when it was too hard to recharge.

He did so, not showing his face plates of course, only to get a very large sum of money donated to his channel from multiple viewers. He’s so happy he cries, its the first time in over a million years that he’s actually cried happy tears but he did it. He finally did it.

He doesn’t exactly know what to do after that.

He has a processor breakdown that leaves him sitting in the middle of the floor with his food burning to char and that sets him off all over again.

Its two days later that he picks himself up from unbearable low fuel and the putrid smell of burning metal does he clean the kitchen and find a group that specializes in private therapy.

He can’t bring himself to paint or cook, let alone eat even if his frame is begging him to.

He enters the private group and sees faces he knows and just..leaves.

He doesn’t make it far because he drops from starvation.

He wakes up on a fuel drip and a mech sitting besides him he recognizes as Soundwave who puts a servo on his chassis to keep him still.

Turns out he damaged himself more than he knew when he almost succeeded in taking himself out. His spark was permanently damaged as a result and would never be as strong as it used to be. He would be fine but he could never enter battle again or do strenuous activities without multiple breaks. He could say goodbye to long drives where he pushed himself past his limit like every speedster loved doing.

He almost forgot Soundwave was there with him until he felt a digit brush a tear.

“Rodimus: will join Soundwave in a new group. Objections: not an option.”

He should’ve found that pushy and an invasion of his space along with an over step but he..went with it.

Letting Soundwave take him to a fuel cafe where he got the most delicious strawberry energon he later made into a parfait as a gift for Soundwave treating him.

The mech left him blushing at his compliment towards his baking and Rodimus was asking if Soundwave would like to try some of the fuel he makes for the cooking channel he sometimes does.

He didn’t expect the question to come from his dermas or for Soundwave to agree but he does and he finds he enjoys bringing a personal bowl to Soundwave and one for the new group he attends.

He sends an apologetic bowl of fuel to his first group that he ruined and they sent letters hoping for his recovery and a chance to meet if he wanted.

He..found himself shying away from meeting face to face with others but he enjoyed messaging and short calls.

He spent most of his time cooking and making art for his channel while Soundwave sat in the background playing music he liked to create and music he found from Nyon.

His viewers got a glimpse of Soundwave’s lower frame getting close to his one video when he hummed and danced along to an old Nyonian song meant for two. He didn’t mind Soundwave being close since the song encouraged it and he found he didn’t mind resting his helm on Soundwave’s shoulder as he hummed along to it.

His viewers lost their minds thinking the two were married with the natural chemistry between the two but he cleared it up quickly saying they were just acquaintances.

“Rodimus: a friend of Soundwave, not acquaintance,” the musically inclined mech corrected making Rodimus roll his optics and laugh.

He didn’t realize how long he went without laughing until that moment and he later learned how much the sound meant to Soundwave when he heard it added to a new song Soundwave was working on.

The former spymaster gathered multiple songs from Nyon and gifted them to Rodimus. He also made songs with clips of Rodimus humming and used Rodimus’s laugh as his identification for when he would call or message Soundwave.

In return Rodimus offered to teach create a painting for a Soundwave who accepted but asked Rodimus to make it at his home while singing for him.

“Rodimus vocals: a gift Soundwave wishes to relax in.”

The mech had a way of making Rodimus smile and feel warm inside in a way his flames could not.

He agreed, singing old Nyonian lullabies he once sang to sparklings while painting the constellations that once shined above his home past the infectious smog once atop high buildings or on the outskirts of the city.

Soundwave never hid that he recorded Rodimus singing to enjoy for himself and one day he asked Rodimus to sing with his group at a night club he enjoyed playing at.

Rodimus was visibly about to spiral in his nerves so Soundwave proposed Rodimus wear a mask to hide his face plates and sing in the back of the group instead of the front. He was still nervous but agreed liking that much more.

He’d heard about the nightclub being fancy and so he decided since no one would see his face plates it was fine for him to look at the channels he kept to himself.

He started off light since he wasn’t familiar with doing his own makeup yet, only watching on the screen, but he felt it looked nice. He slipped on the simple black sheer dress and met Soundwave at the club.

He wondered if he did something wrong when Soundwave just stared at him for a long time but eventually the mech reached out and handed him a bouquet of flower crystals that he liked from Soundwave’s yard. The mech had a very abundant garden filled with flowers Rodimus loved to smell and touch. He wasn’t a gardening mech but he did enjoy drawing and smelling them. Rodimus mentioned as a passing comment if he should grow his own cyber fruits and vegetables so his food would taste even better.

The night goes fantastic. The crowd loves them and he gets to hold the flowers as a grounding tool as he sings. He brings them back to Drift and Ratchets apartment where he takes off the face mask and smiles, placing the flowers in a vase. He contemplates making Soundwave a treat but decides against it. He sends him a message saying he had fun and a few days later he agrees to come see Soundwave at his home. Wearing a gold waist chain that showed off his gestation tank pouch and curvy waist that melded perfectly into his hips.

He hoped Soundwave didn’t mind his choice to wear derma gloss and some optic shadow. It fit the deep red and almost black tones of his paint job that became his permanent colors after hurting his spark. He found he liked the colors on himself though he does miss his vibrant colors he felt these were more true to who he was now.

He rang the doorbell holding the face mask in his servo and was greeted to Soundwave standing in the doorway with his optic mask on and lower guard off revealing a scarred face plate with his dermas pulled back on one side as a series of scars go from his revealed denta to his audial receptor.

Rodimus had never seen a mech so beautiful.

His spark stuttered a bit making him struggle to vent. The guard Soundwave was holding fell forgotten as he rushed to help Rodimus vent and calm his spark. Rodimus didn’t make the situation worse but he didn’t make it better with how he just stared at Soundwaves face.

He felt the flicker of hesitation in Soundwaves em field before humiliation took hold.

Rodimus didn’t think Soundwave should ever feel ashamed of his face. He made sure to tell him as such.

Touching the unscarred half of soft dermas with gentle digits that shook as he focused his hazy optics on the mech before him.

“You..you look..,” his spark felt heavy as it did light sharing the emotions for Soundwave to see through the wisps of his flames and whispers of his emotive curling beneath Soundwaves plating until it reached his spark.

He always felt too much and too deeply..but to Soundwave he felt..normal.

“Correction: Rodimus, is beauty incarnate.”

“Two things can be true Wavey.”

He doesn’t notice when they slip inside Soundwaves home, all he knows is that he finds comfort laying in the field of flowers with Soundwave beneath the sun. He’d tried returning the mask only for Soundwave to ask him for another night at the club and he can’t find it in himself to say no. He felt the mask resting besides him and the digits of a mech tracing the pattern along his hip plating. So close to his tank yet it didn’t even bother him.

It was the morning after their latest gig at the club while Rodimus was getting ready to record a new dish on his channel when he noticed the large empty dug up space beside Soundwaves garden. He asked the mech what he planned to do with it, when Soundwave stood behind him. Chassis to his back strut, servo resting on either side of him on the table as Rodimus stood comfortably waiting for his answer. Feeling his processor turn to bubbles as he enjoyed Soundwaves touch and presence.

“Purpose: cyber fruit and vegetable garden. Intended for: the spark that I wish to see beating beside me.”

Soundwaves words didn’t fully register to him for a few clicks but when they did he tried to tell Soundwave he deserved better. Someone who wanted to live and didn’t have to find reasons in the form of blogging channels and art. Someone who could give him everything he needed and wanted that didn’t have a spark condition caused by their own servo because they couldn’t handle living anymore.

To his patience Soundwave waited until Rodimus was finished before proving him wrong.

“Rodimus: normal like every mech. Suffered war. Consequence of survival follows all survivors. Soundwave: did not always want to wake either but group and hobbies makes things easier. Makes living better. Rodimus: makes Soundwave living better. Soundwave: wishes Rodimus saw himself as Soundwave sees him. Query: let Soundwave show Rodimus?”

Its hard to think past venting and leaning against the counter when Soundwave basically told him he wanted to spend his life besides him.

Its oddly grounding to let Soundwave rest his helm against his chassis. Feeling the beat of a strong spark so unlike his own against his audial that he finds himself wrapping his arms around him yearning for more. He closes his optics, feeling the ridges of Soundwaves frame against his own and the tentacles that release and wrap loosely around his waist. Those black and purple feelers tickle him lightly to ease his tension and Rodimus finds himself slipping from reality. Lost in the smell of Soundwaves scent of crystal flowers, heavy solvent cleaner and the natural musk that only Soundwave seemed to carry.

He’s whispering yes as he fades and feels his mind slip into a comfortable lull and he allows the former spy master and gladiator to lift him. They settle in Soundwaves berth where he gets lost entirely and welcomes a recharge he didn’t know possible.

At spark he’s awkward and has a hard time bringing up his feelings but the first thing he asks Soundwave when he wakes is if they can stay like this.

“I want to stay like this with you…I’ll give you anything I can to keep you. Whatever food you want, whatever dessert or song I can offer to ease your day. I’ll do it. I don’t really have much to offer but I can try.”

And really he’s never spoken so honestly from the spark that didn’t require him to without the presence of a battlefield.

His answer comes in the form of Soundwave resting his slim digits above Rodimus’ spark and speaking in the deep voice that Rodimus associated safety and happiness with.

“Rodimus: is the offer. An offer: Soundwave wishes to keep for himself forever.”

“Then you have me,” he gazes up, shifting closer, feeling their different sparks harmonize in a way neither have felt before.

They don’t merge sparks or conjunx in this moment. They decide to wait. Properly court the other with the intent to take their time while leaving a scent on the other so none will try intervening. Rodimus doesn’t think anybot will be interested in him til Soundwave points behind them while in the market to the multiple mechs and femmes staring at his aft and hips.

“Shut up,” his embarrassment is met with a smiley face on the purple mechs face plate. He can’t find it in himself to be upset especially when he receives Soundwaves tentacle wrapped around his waist while they continue on.

Not long after Rodimus meets his old friends Arcee and Springer who are extremely shocked by his paint job and new frame. He doesn’t tell them what happened or what he’s been through physically and mentally. Instead he tells them about his channel and they don’t pry. They see how happy he looks, how comfortable he is in silence now and see the bag of paint tubs on his arm.

“I started painting again,” he tells them and they get so excited for him. Asking if he’d like to come back to their apartment and catch up. They admit how much they miss him and don’t want to let time slip by again or go without talking to him in person for so long again.

He agrees because he truly did miss them too and no matter how much they differed in the past they always stuck by each other even when they didn’t understand the others reasoning. So nods a little misty in the optics and sets up a time. He’s about to leave when a feeler lightly tickles him before a tentacle rests below his spoiler.

He can’t help lighting up and feeling his processor become bubbly as he introduces Soundwave to Springer and Arcee. The two are in shock by how the two act towards each other but they roll with the flow. Soundwave is polite in greeting them with a nod and doesn’t do more than listen while Rodimus chats with them a bit more.

Soundwave is carrying the heavier bags and they notice Rodimus is wearing derma gloss and optic shadow. He once wore it during an undercover mission and they remember him saying he liked it but nothing ever cane about it. They were glad to see him doing things he liked and if Soundwave helped him to do them and made him happy, they wouldn’t object.

Especially when they saw how caring Soundwave was with Rodimus when they came to get him. Last they heard he was at Drift and Ratchets apartment but apparently he hadn’t been there for almost a month. They were surprised yet again by how happy they were to know he was at home with Soundwave in a lovely place instead of the cold and lonely apartment that would make Rodimus feel lonely.

“We’ll have him back before ya know gladiator mecha,” Arcee parted as she slung an arm around Rodimus neck with a wink at Soundwave to lightly tease him. The mech was surprised but didn’t reject it and Springer was thinking this could be good after all. Rodimus hadn’t really paid much mind since he didn’t feel any animosity in the air.

He ended up showing his friends the cooking channel he started and made them a traditional Nyonian meal that they devoured in one sitting making him laugh. He showed the art pieces he’d made and they recognized his humming to be the mech who sung at the night club. He admitted that was him but refused to sing. He enjoyed blushing and being nervous in a way that didn’t put him on edge. He felt at home with the two and congratulated them on becoming conjunx.

“Can’t wait to congratulate you and Mr.Cryptic at your conjunx ceremony,” Springer suggested wiggling an optic ridge as he elbowed Rodimus lightly.

“How many sparkling nieces and nephews are we gettin,” Arcee gushed, before going on about how she’s always wanted to be an aunty to Rodimus’s sparklings and how she couldn’t wait to buy all the cute outfits and teach her nieces and nephews a real fight since the boys could never keep up with her.

Rodimus felt his spoiler lower a bit but he brushed it off and asked the two what their plans were and what they’ve been up to. Arcee immediately dove into talking about her fighting studio and Springer actually decided to take up teaching self dense classes. They both traveled for their jobs together but spent most of the time apart so they could have venting room.

He was happy to hear about their travels and it reminded him how much he missed being in the stars and visiting other cultures.

He smiled listening to their stories when he felt himself growing tired. He was about to excuse himself when Arcee wrapped an around him and said she’d walk him back to their little brothers future Conjunx. Arcee was always so ready to make him feel humiliated in a way only a big sister could.

He didn’t realize how late it’d become until he was walking in the dark with Arcee who kept an arm around his neck. He appreciated the comfort but he also knew she was about to ask him something personal.

“Go ahead and ask already. I still don’t like emotional suspense.”

She laughed at that but began speaking anyway.

“Soundwave is really nice to you huh?”

He nodded, he knew thats not where she was going but he waited.

“I can’t see his optics but I can feel him,” he looked towards her waiting, “the way he feels around you is..the way bots in holo stories used to feel. Its like watching two characters get the best ending one can never picture happening in real life. Only, it is…”

He smiled at her before looking ahead seeing the area change to slowly become the large property Soundwave owned.

“What I’m saying is..I want you to enjoy all of it. I have everything I could ever want with Springer..Percy is coming by too with Brainstorm. I know Percy misses you a lot. I’ll make sure to tell him not to be overbearing though. You know how he is with you. Such a carrier,” she snorted making him laugh nodding.

“I..I know how you feel..how you used to feel about sparklings..I mean..and I know by how Soundwave feels around you that he’d give you whatever it is you desire and if you still crave having sparklings like you once did..you should have them..be it adoption or with you tanks..you should allow yourself that happiness. You deserve it. Me, Springer, Percy, even Blurr and Kup when they get back..we won’t let anyone do anything to you just because you’re a tank carrier. Alright, little sweet spark?”

He felt his shoulders shaking and optics fuzzing at Arcee’s words and he hated how small he felt in her arms. He felt like a sparkling needing their older sister all over again and he hated it. But he would never refuse the warm hug she gave him nor how he melted into her arms and cried his fears in the forms of sobs. Too scared to tell her what he’d done and how he might not even be able to have them anymore. How unworthy he felt to have them when he was littered in scars not received from a battlefield with a frame that bore the proof of his failed attempts.

“I don’t care what you’re telling yourself in that processor of yours Roddy. You always have and always will be a good mech, multiple mistakes and all. We all have them. Some just more than others while some can hide them. Point is, don’t hold yourself back. When you’re ready, do whats best, okay?”

He nodded his helmet, unable to form words and eventually, he wiped his face plate and smiled up at her a little.

“You’re so mean ta me,” he slipped, using his accent as she used her own. It made them both laugh and their departure easier with the promise of seeing each other very soon and him telling her to message him when she got home.

“Rodimus: okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, preparing a solvent bath, “I’m okay. Did you have fun?”

A nod and Soundwave joined Rodimus in the solvent bath where the smaller mech massaged the old wounds and kinks from the ex-gladiators frame. Soundwave reheated the bath after, gently removing the armor from Rodimus’ protoform. He took off the lower guard for his face plate and raised Rodimus wrists to his dermas where he placed wisp touches along the scars Rodimus bore after war.

This wasn’t the first time Soundwave had done so but every time he did Rodimus felt a part of himself break and reconnect inside.

He both feared and loved how intimate he could be with Soundwave. He’s never been open to such affections beyond quick fragging but he’s happy to say he’s fine with anything as long as its with Soundwave.

A few months past and Rodimus finds himself going back to Drift and Ratchets apartment to clean and welcome them home with Perceptor on his heels and Soundwave out with his friends enjoying a music festival.

After reuniting with Blurr, Kup, Brainstorm and Perceptor, Rodimus found his circle of friends growing again and he was happy with it. Of course, Perceptor was the one to pull him aside and carrier him asking about his loss of weight and paint change. Rodimus was never good at lying to Perceptor or any of the wreckers really, but especially Kup and Perceptor. Kup knew he’d hear everything from Percy and Percy wasn’t leaving until he got answers.

It was…painful, sharing what he’d done to himself to another beside Soundwave. He expected scolding, frustration, even anger or told he was illogical. He wasn’t expecting a frame hug that popped his plating out of place and tears.

Perceptor understood the best he could and wouldn’t let Rodimus out of his sight or arms after. It wasn’t too questionable when they came back to the group hours later but it was a noticeable question in the air that the others didn’t bring up thankfully.

Later that day Kup came by with Percy to bear hug his popped plating back into place and he felt guilt for making the old mech shed a tear but Kup told him not to.

“Bots have fights all time..sometimes…its with themselves. When you have a fight with yourself next time lil one, we’ll be there to have your back. Okay?”

It meant more than he thought possible and he finally felt his world fully shifting into place. And with the arrival of Drift and Ratchet finally returning he was happy to have it come full circle as he greeted the two along with Percy who stayed further back so the three could greet each other.

Rodimus wasn’t surprised when Drift hugged him since the mech was a real hug creature at spark, he was startled when Ratchet hugged him but he did hug the mech back.

“Welcome back guys. I hope you enjoyed your vacation,” he smiled leading them to the kitchen that smelled like utopia. The two were practically drooling at the mouth smelling Rodimus’ food and Perceptor was already eating his own plate at a distance after waving at the two.

“Roddy? Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“I got into a cooking channel that turned into me starting my own,” he smiled. He nodded to Percy who stood there for a while before hugging him and telling him to message him when he was heading home.

“I’m fine Percy, I can walk back home. Its not that far,” he laughed.

Perceptor just looked at him with a smile and nuzzled his helmet repeating himself. “If you need me I’ll be with Brainstorm at the collectors show. Mech needs to be taught how to appreciate good quality instead the things he brings home.”

“You guys foreplay is still so weird to me,” Rodimus laughed being a little slag before giving Percy a kiss to the side of his face plate and pushing him out the door.

When he came back Ratchet and Drift were looking so confused and mildly hurt?, so Rodimus quickly cleared the air.

“Percy has always been such a carrier ever since he met me. You probably didn’t see it on the ship but he’s basically my carrier. He even got it documented legally,” Rodimus laughed.

“Him and Brainstorm are conjunx. Oh he say’s hi and welcome back and so Arcee, Kup, Springer and Blurr. They’ll come see you guys later when they have time,” Rodimus smiled cleaning up the last of the dishes.

The two quickly understood about Percy because him and Brainstorm did have something going on while on the Lost light and he was a bit of a hover when he was near Rodimus which was actually quite a bit now that they thought about it. It made sense Rodimus was Percy’s bitlet but they were confused about one thing in particular.

“Hey Roddy? What did he mean by message him when you get home?”

“Oh! Sorry about that! I meant to tell you guys but I didn’t wanna disrupt your vacation and I was so busy making sure it was clean for you when got back. I moved out a while ago, it hasn’t been long but long enough to make sure it wasn’t too dusty for when you came back. Oh and it’ll never be close to repaying you but I left a little something for you guys.”

Rodimus went over to the drawer and pulled out an envelope handing it to the shocked couple.

“I wanted to pay you back. I’ll never be able to pay you back in full but..I wanted to try,” Rodimus smiled shrugging his shoulders.

Inside was a nice amount of money one didn’t just come by in a few months of hard work.

“Kid, how did you get all this?”

Ratchet looked like he’d blown a gasket and it made Rodimus laugh.

“I’m really good at drawing and painting and so I started an art channel and people donated money and paid for my paintings.”

Rodimus went back to the counter to fix the crystal flowers he’d left. They still looked as beautiful as ever and it made him feel bubbly in the processor all over until he was pulled from his thoughts.

“Ya take up gardening too kid?”

Ratchet was smirking when he said and Drift was looking shocked still.

“Kid ya didn’t have to move out ya know? We like having ya around.”

His smile was gentle and it made Rodimus spoiler flicker.

“I..really..thank you Ratchet, that means a lot to me.”

“Oh, no I don’t garden plants..I kill them actually,” the pout on his face was beautiful but the next emotion was a jump of his spoiler and he looked excited.

“These came from Soundwave actually! He gifted them to me at our first gig at a nightclub. He says hi too but he’s at a music festival with his friends right now.”

They’d never seen Rodimus’s spoilers express so much feeling and it left them with a growing ache in the chassis.

“But I’m really good at gardening food. For some reason I kill plants but the crystal fruit and veggies I planted at home are thriving,” he shrugged. “I definitely want you guys to come by and taste em when you can. I think you’ll really like my strawberry crystals Ratch, they’re nice and sweet just how ya like. Drift I planted some melon and grapefruit crystals too. I can get em less sweet since you don’t really like that.”

“Woah, slow down Roddy…you said at home..with Soundwave?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah,” Rodimus blushed looking to the side. “We um..we’re..Soundwave is..” his spark left off a little wave of love and the two felt it.

“Sorry! Sorry. I still can’t control that,” he bashfully chuckled, rubbing at his chassis above his spark making Ratchet slip into medic mode.

He was on rodimus before the other could tell him he was fine.

“Wait, Ratch. I’m fine promise. My doc already knows and I take meds for it. It was just from excitement.”

Ratchet wasn’t at all happy with hearing Rodimus developed a spark condition while they were away and Drift was about to worry himself out of his frame plating with how jittery he looked standing behind him about to help Ratchet open his chassis right where they stood.

“Kid,” Ratchet was putting on his medical scanner over his optic and reading Rodimus’s vitals before coming to a stop when he saw the diagnosis.

“Don’t.”

He stepped back from both of them.

“Just..tell him when I leave okay?”

His spoiler fell and he wrapped an arm around his waist. They could see how much weight he lost and they were obvious to his paint change. Its just now Ratchet knew why and soon Drift would too.

“I’m fine now. I promise.”

He turned his helm looking towards the door when Ratchet pulled him into a hug.

“Kid. Please..don’t ever..don’t..don’t do that again. Please?”

“What the frag is going on?”

Drift was panicking and Roddy hated to see his friend panic like that.

“I’m not dying! I just, did something in the past..I’m okay now.”

Roddy left Ratchets hug and hugged Drift who squeezed him tight. When he felt the hug loosen before becoming almost unbearable he knew Ratchet shared his diagnosis.

“I’m fine now. Promise.”

He smiled a little.

“Its you guys welcome home celebration. Probably shouldn’t be worrying about this when we should be celebrating hm?”

They were extremely reluctant but allowed Rodimus to pour them and himself a glass of high grade, though they noticed he didn’t pour much into his own.

“I’m glad you guys made it back safe. I missed you both. So tell me, what all did you do on your vacation? Please don’t tell me the frag stories I’m traumatized enough from Brainstorm telling me his and Percy’s,” he informed breaking the tension making the two laugh.

He smiled listening intently at every story told and before he knew it, it was getting really late and he was yawning into his servo.

“I’m really glad you guys had so much fun. I can’t wait till next month.”

“Next month?”

“Yeah! Me and Soundwave are going off world. I miss going into space so he got us a nice lil ship to travel to a sister planet. It won’t be for long but I’m so excited.”

The two noticed the way his optics glazed and his spoiler lifted to full tilt. The way his spark hummed a little louder and his smile was brighter. The way his servos came to his waist as if expecting another to be waiting right there for him. The gestation pouch on his tanks that they never saw before. How light his laughter grew and how calm his shoulders looked.

It hurt as much as he looked beautiful.

What ifs ran through their processor as the night came to a close and a knock sounded on their door. Rodimus got up to answer with a sway in his step that didn’t feel sexual at all. He was comfortable with a processor that was floating in a way all too familiar to the stories one read in books.

“Hi Soundwave. Back from the festival already?”

“Soundwave: had fun. Purpose: to greet Rodimus friends and ensure safety.”

They saw the way Soundwave handled Rodimus and the way his tentacles looped around his waist resting comfortably around him. The way Rodimus melted into Soundwave and almost forgot his surroundings told them everything they feared.

“I hope to see you guys soon. Message me when you want to meet up after settling back home again? If ya need I’ll be more than happy to come back and cook. I don’t want Drift burning the apartment down,” Rodimus laughed.

He came over to give them one final hug before parting with a wave and Soundwave nodding at them.

“Rodimus: enjoy welcome party?”

“It was fun,” they heard him say as they disappeared behind the complex’s door.

Leaving them to stand in the doorway with sparks aching and optics longing.

“We were too late Ratty…”

“It seems that way kid…”

Ratchets sigh wasn’t enough to hide his disappointment and sadness.

“It seems that way.”

Back in their home Rodimus laid in their nest where he made a little extra space that gave him and Soundwave more room.

The room was dark save for his blue optics and spark that ignited the space and four purple optics that gazed so softly at him accompanied by a purple spark that he thought the world of.

He was so happy he failed all those many months ago.

If he hadn’t, he would be missing out the most beautiful mech with the most beautiful spark in existence.

It’s something he never plans to miss out on.

[irusanw4]

So I do edits now. Yall should go read @gracebeth3604 's fic Keep it Coming Back!

[strawberryspence]

disclaimer: this is the most personal work i have yet. please be kind. trigger warnings: alcoholism, attempted suicide, and implied child abuse. please heed the warnings.

-

Eddie flips the coin in his hand.

As a child, Eddie used to drink orange juice from the carton. He likes the pulp, the tanginess, the comfort.

When he gets sick, his mother buys it for him, and like magic, it heals him. It could be the flu or the cold, but with orange juice, it heals everything.

(It's not. It's his mother and her healing magic. Her soft hands holding him through the night, her gentle humming as he sleep in discomfort, her love in the chicken soup.)

Eddie hates alcohol. He hates the burn on his lungs. The way it slides down, all grimy and hot. He hates the bitter taste in his mouth, something you can't wash even with brandname mouthwash.

Eddie hates the smell. The strong smell that stays on you for days, it sticks on your clothes, on your beddings, on your couch.

Eddie hates it. Hates it when he hears the click of a can opening, reminds him of his father coming home. Hates it when he smells it, reminds him of his father's harsh words and harsher actions.

Eddie hates the comfort he finds in it.

(He doesn't, really. Because deep down, he thinks it's the only escape. It's what he was born into. It's what he deserves.)

(It's not.)

There's broken bottles littering his room. He hides it good enough, he thinks. He thinks he does, until Wayne comes crashing into his room, the third bottle of whisky in his hand. Wayne breaks it against his wall and Eddie cries. It was so expensive.

He promises he'll get better.

He does. He does for a while.

Steve helps. Robin helps. The kids help.

And then—

Well.

It breaks.

It breaks the same way Dick Harrington's wine closet breaks, and Eddie feels dirty and useless as he uses his boyfriend's baseball bat— the same one that has saved their lives time and time again— to get him alcohol.

He doesn't really care. One sip and it'll all be gone.

(He cares.)

Eddie's not sure what pushes him back, if it's the writings on the walls, littered all over town or the heaviness of the truth. The truth that he was nothing but a burden. That he should've died that night in Dustin's arms and into nothingness.

Steve finds him like that, and Eddie hates himself for doing it to him twice. Hates that he made Steve go through it twice. Hates that Steve used the same rhythm twice to give him chest compressions. Hates that Steve has cried over almost losing him twice.

Eddie wakes up in the hospital and he's nothing but bones and meat.

Steve forgives him. But his eyes are sunken and his lips are bleeding.

Dustin doesn't visit him. At least he doesn't get to see Eddie like this.

(It doesn't give him any comfort.)

Steve and Wayne talk to him.

Eddie goes to some kind of facility.

It's not working. It's some kind of fucking bullshit.

(It doesn't work that way. Healing is like building blocks. One block at a time.)

Eddie gets out six months later.

He doesn't go back to Hawkins.

The whole Party picks him up.

(It's okay. It's not home. It was never home. It has always been the people.)

"Hey, you going to bed?" Eddie looks up at the voice. Some sitcom is playing in the background. The only light in the room is the light the TV emits.

Eddie yawns, "Yeah, I'll be right behind you, sweetheart."

Steve smiles at him, and it's like being showered with sunlight in the dark. He moves forward to kiss the crown of Eddie's head and it makes him feel like royalty, "Alright. I'll see you there, love."

Without Steve in the room, it's dark. It's only him and himself. Eddie shuts the TV off, walking slowly to the kitchen.

The coin digs into his palm, the familiar inscription sharp and throbbing. A constant daily reminder.

Eddie opens the fridge.

There's orange juice.

There's always orange juice on the fridge.

He takes the orange juice, drinking it out of the carton. Letting the magical juice heal him once again.

(It doesn't work that way.)

He closes the fridge, and a polaroid taped on the fridge catches his eyes.

It was taken on Eddie's 23rd birthday. Everybody was smiling around him, all toothy smiles and laughs as he blows the cake.

(There's orange juice. There's always orange juice in the other room and in Hawkins and in Boston and in Chicago and in California and in Indianapolis.)

(Maybe it doesn't work that way, but having orange juice does help.)

Eddie flips the coin and slaps it on the back of his hand.

(1 year.)

(One day at a time. Like building blocks.)

[minusgangtime]

(Hi Sprunki fandom 👋)

(Horror versions below:)

(TW: Blood, Depictions of suicide and self harm, Gunshot wounds)

[yellow-computer-mouse]

Trigger warning: Attempted suicide, talking someone down. Please take care of yourselves.

Nightmare and Cross had a pretty good time at Drama Club, from what Red could tell, and were ready to leave for the day. They went about their separate ways towards the end, Cross going off to help with cleaning while Nightmare packed his bag, but all in all, they seemed to have had fun despite Red running off to the buses as soon as the clock hit 3 (well, 3:15). They hadn’t picked up on much, which was good. Red didn’t want to explain his reasoning to them.

Long story short, Red was curled up at the back of the bus, holding his phone to his ear. Dust’s voice was shaky, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of poor reception or something else. “Hi, Red,” they said, voice syrupy sweet with a desperate undertone. “Can you stay on the line?” “Yeah, totes. Right here.” He would admit, it was scary having a friend call you with those exact words. Nonetheless, he had to stay strong for Dust. “What’s up?” “Hey.”

“Hey.” He paused for a second or two. “Where are you? You said get on the bus.”

“I’m on a building.” Fuck. This was bad. He didn’t expect to spend his afternoon talking his friend off a ledge.

“Whoa, whoa, okay. Are you okay?” He had to be careful. Make sure they didn’t get any ideas, but he couldn’t scare them.

“It’s really high up. Hi, Red.” It was about the twelfth time they said that exact greeting and Red couldn’t be happier to hear it.

“Hey, Dust.” He had to change the subject. “So… where are you? I need an address. And a stop.”

“Second stop, down the street.” Second stop, fuck, wasn’t that near Route 422? Dust was on top of a building by the interstate?

“Okay, gotcha. I’m on the bus, we’re pulling out of the lot now.”

“Hey, Red?”

He was scared of what they would ask. “Yeah? What’s up?”

“What’s your favorite color?” He almost laughed. Almost. He couldn’t laugh at them. Not now.

“Uh, red, but I like green too.” He paused for half a second. “What about you?”

“I like grey. The clouds are grey right now.” Great, so Dust was on top of a building by a highway about to get rained on.

“Okay, cool. I’ll be there soon.” The bus slowed to a stop for the first time, letting kids off. “Almost there.”

“Do you ever wish you were a cloud?”

“No, I don’t.” He had to get Dust to stop talking about clouds. “So… Do you have any plans?” “I think I’m gonna take a gap year.” Red chuckled slightly, hoping that was a joke. Judging by the way Dust mimicked the action, it was.

“No, silly. For the afternoon.” He couldn’t swear at Dust. Not now. He couldn’t risk them taking it to heart.

Dust’s silence spoke volumes. They finally spoke again, quietly asking, “Hey, Red?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you go back to the dorms? I got you a present. It’s under your pillow.” Red felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“Sorry, Dust, I-I’m on the bus.”

“Why? The dorms are on campus.”

“...I- you asked me to- Dust, buddy, stay right where you are.”

“It’s raining.” Red glanced up at the window, noticing the heavy drops hitting the glass.

“Yeah, I know. I-is there any cover up there?”

“No.” Red sighed.

“Alright. Hold on. I’ll be right there. Don’t do anything. I’ll be right there.” The bus slowed a second time, and Red jumped up, shoving his way to the front and scrambling off. He darted around, putting his hood up and looking around frantically. He saw a tall building… that was probably it. Shit, that was it.

He ran over, screaming up from the bottom.

“DUST!! I’M RIGHT HERE!!” His heart sunk further as he realized he shouldn’t have called Dust to the edge. “STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

He stepped back, looking for a way up. He ventured into an alleyway nearby, tracing Dust’s path. He climbed on top of a dumpster, and from there entered a fire escape. He made his way to the top of the building…

Only to realize there was a 15-foot gap in between, and Dust was 10 feet up.

“Dust?” he called, putting his phone down. Dust poked their head over, standing up and walking to the edge.

“Hi, Red.” Their voice was quiet and weak. They were clearly crying, even if their tears were masked by the rain.

“Hi, Dust.”

“How do I get down?” Red went quiet. He didn’t know much, but he knew a decent amount about physics. Judging by the wind speed, the distance, the height…

“Back up to about the middle of that building, and then run full-force at me, okay? Jump at the edge. I’ll catch you.”

Dust just stared at him for a while, before slowly backing up like Red had told them to. They ran at him, and Red prayed that everything would go well.

He didn’t know what happened, but all of a sudden, Dust was in his arms and tackling him to the ground. He wrapped himself around the other, holding them as they sobbed.

“I just- I- I almost-”

“Shh. Hey. C’mon.” He didn’t know what to do, what to say, if he was doing it wrong or right or anything. He didn’t know. What he did know was that Dust was okay for now. They’d be okay. They’d figure it out.

“Let’s go back to the dorms, Dust.”

“...okay.” Red didn’t know a lot, but he did know some things. His name was Red Kafka Vic. He was 15 years old. He was holding Dust Usste Askd on top of a building. They were going to be okay.

And honestly, that was all that mattered to him. He could figure everything else out, but Dust was okay. He stood up, holding the other against him in a fireman carry.

“C’mon. I’ll make some soup.”

@unknownchoatic here you go!

[drinkinboilingcoffee]

Absolutely wrecked by this weather (keeps jumping between 90 degrees and pouring) and have nothing to do so might as well write some William headcanons eh? Pulls out massive stack of note papers organized like a psychiatric file (Trigger warning: Mentions of mental illness and distress (including disordered eating and attempted suicide), canon-typical violence, and substance abuse)

-William raised the kids alone for a while after Clara passed before later co-parenting with Henry (that’s definitely totally absolutely all that is just two single dudes living in the same house and raising their kids together and sharing a bed) -Henry was behind the idea for the animatronics, but William did most of the business and finance management to get it up and running. He was also in charge of more of the small design components (like springlocks and facial recognition) while Henry did the main bodywork. -The springlock failure happened in front of a crowd 1982 (a few days shy of a year before fnaf 4). The incident was a suicide attempt by William, though he had Henry make sure that was left out of the official report. He doesn’t talk about that time much. -The springlocks actually mostly blinded him- it’s recovered enough he can see blurs and outlines of color but can’t legally drive or anything (he still does, this man will drive drunk and blind and not even notice if he hits someone) He has had the layout of the pizzeria memorized, and he has a pretty good directional sense, so a lot of people don’t even realize it until he has to read something. -He’s actually a really good writer but absolutely refuses to show anyone his work -William’s murder spree and remnant experimentation was spawned from an attempt to bring Evan back to life, but in truth he had no idea what remnant was when he killed Charlie- he did that in a fit of rage and discovered remnant as a result. -He loves cooking, but barely eats enough (he’ll go days without doing so and not even realize until someone points it out) -Drunk driving ass. Was actually closer to being imprisoned for that than being caught for the murders.

[cakemadeofbacon]

Im literally never getting over the revolutionary girl Utena finale btw (none of this is properly written):

Anthy trying to kill herself because she betrayed Utena, and then Utena crying and apologizing for betraying her and then Utena choosing to fight for Anthy, despite finding her prince, the thing shes dedicated her life for, and Utena winning but Anyby doesn’t believe in a life where she is happy. She doesn’t remember anything but suffering even with her times with Utena she has the pain of betraying the only person whos truly cared for her so she does the only thing she has ever known and betrays Utena. Because she is a girl. And girls are only princesses or witches. Girls are not princes. You cannot be my prince, Utena, because you are a girl. And despite sustaining a stab wound Utena stands up and walks over to the coffin. She opens it, without winning any stupid duel, without the power of Dios, without a sword. She opens it with her bare hands, with her own blood and sweat and tears. There lay Anthy - all of her. Without the school uniform or the bridal dress or Akio she is there wholly herself. And Utena smiles Himemiya… at last… we meet. And Anthy is scared for her Utena leave! except despite everything Utena reaches out her hand Himemiya and Anthy takes it… despite everything… she takes it.

However, it wasn’t meant to be. Anthy was right about one thing. Utena is not a prince. She isn’t a princess or a witch either. She never was.

And Anthy isn’t a witch or a princess or a bride. She never was.

Anthy never needed saving. She never needed a prince. She is just a girl. She is a human being who needed another human being to see her to love her.

And that was enough.

Reaching out was enough

Utena couldn’t do anything more for her.

Akio doesn’t understand this. So Anthy, finally realizing that she deserves love and that her pain was never eternal, only the thought of it was explains to Akio by all means if you wish to stay in your fake castle playing prince, i won’t stop you, Goodbye.

Anthy leaves. The power was in her all along. She never needed anyone to save her.

The school bells chime signifying the end of a duel and Anthy makes a vow im coming for you, no matter where you are. Wait for me, Utena

She looks straight ahead and walks away from Ohtori. The credits roll. And i cry.

I probably got all those quotes wrong please forgive me 😭

[mcsm-r0ckz]

⚠️TW: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE⚠️

I drew Axel from @ivormybeloved's Delusion AU. I tried to do like where he attempted to... yk-, and what he thought sorta.

Anywho that's all-

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Esther AU.

What if…

Abel attempted suicide.?

Because maybe, unlike how Cain sees him, he was in smiling depression.

Not a cliché “I didn’t asked to be the perfect one” trope. Alastor’s work.

He also got into his head and drove him to this path.

And he also tormented him at school.

And cause Cain ‘hated’ him he didn’t notice this.

Yeah this is better than Cain trying to kill him.

Oh...... And what if Adam finds him? Like Abel stole an angelic steel knife and..... You know.

Cain, for once doing his homework heard his dad, Adam, scream bloody murder. He runs out of his room and freezes when he sees all the blood.

Adam holding Abel just sobbing.

Lucifer ran up the stairs: What's- OH MY GOD!!!

They rush him to the hospital and Adam is still sobbing, his baby is unconscious in a hospital bed.

[rachelcommitscrimes]

ok might be a little less active for a bit i kinda sorta attempted via belt 💀 (i’m not hurt dw) i’m just getting back into really bad habits and school is kicking me in the ass

still working on my fangan though, the grind never stops

[reshramlove1ob]

Eve, jump.

[xceanlynx]

I don't think Ray has ever really loved Mew romantically. Not ever.

The thing is, when you are deprived of love your entire life, it's very hard to differentiate between platonic love, romantic love and gratitude.

Ray was at his lowest. We still don't have enough information to understand exactly how his familial relationships shaped him as the person he is, but from what it was implied, he never really felt like he belonged to anywhere, to anyone. His understanding of love is already distorted - the person that society says is supposed to love him the most, his mom, didn't love him, or she did in a toxic, abusive way. The only person close enough to him to form a similar bond (the bond of healthy dependency) with was Mew.

Ray never had love before Mew. Not from his family, not from other friends, not from himself. How could he differentiate between all of these kinds of love? No one would be able to.

Mew saved Ray, who already saw him as his bestest friend, the one he could count on. Saving him from his attempt just solidified it in his mind - Mew is the one who could save him. Mew is the only one that showed him love, true love. But Ray doesn't understand that there are different kinds of love. A friend's love can be just as strong as a lover's love for someone, but they are still different kinds of love.

To Ray, if he lets Mew go, he will be letting go the only form of love he has ever known. He sees Top as competition because he doesn't understand that love can have different facets (also Boston is feeding his ill brain with shit but that's just a small part of it all). He is afraid of being in that position again, of being lonely again, when no one - not even himself - loved him. He is afraid that, when a newcomer arrives in the friend group, a player, someone that "obviously" do not love Mew the same way as Ray does, and Mew actually likes the player back, he will be set aside. Because Mew likes someone romantically, and romantic love is more valued anyway, so no matter how many times Mew says he loves Ray, it will not be enough. I could write an entire book about this specific topic through an aroace lens, but this is not the point of this post.

Now we see Ray, after being rejected by Mew (rightfully so - Mew did a very good job setting and enforcing his boundaries), seeing in Sand another person that could love him, that could take care of him when no one else would. There is hope, in his perspective, that another person can and will love him. He even begin to repeat the same patterns he experienced in his life with Sand: asking him to curse him won't bother him because it's what he was used to his entire life. That's normal life to him. That's what people who are supposed to care about him do anyway (Mew being just enough outside of the standard to make Ray obsessed). What Ray still doesn't know is that NO OUTSIDE LOVE can save someone.

What I mean is, the only hope for Ray to live a joyful and fulfilling life, is if he starts loving himself. It does sound cliché, but it's true. No amount of love from other people can save someone. It's not family, friends, lovers, or even God and religion that is going to save someone from themselves. They can and do absolutely help, but at the end of the day the willpower must come from inside. His self loathing, his hatred, his low self esteem caused by whatever trauma he holds will only get better if he works on himself of his on volition. For Ray to understand it, I'm afraid only with psychological and medical help - and this is how other people can help.

I have high hopes for his character development. As someone who went through similar stuff (don't worry, I've been through years of therapy and it had no hard drugs involved), some scenes can be quite triggering, but I still very much enjoy what they are doing with his character, by far the one I can relate the most. Ray is a complicated, flawed character and definitely not the cup of tea for everyone in audience, but I can't help being fascinated. I do hope his development won't fall flat at the end of the series.

(also, Khaotung made me cry again. Thank you for your acting, sir. I know you will destroy me eventually.)