#TRUST it's coming home this week
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every look btwn max and tristan in 1x06
+ the multiple times in this scene
#doctor odyssey#doctorodysseyedit#dr odyssey#ody3#joshua jackson#sean teale#max bankman#tristan silva#TRUST it's coming home this week#*#*doctor odyssey
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i think about splinter walking in on the aftermath of caged lungs a lot
#canary continuity#rottmnt#like#pov: you are splinter. you have spent the past few months feeling Off#theres this odd air in your home that you cant place and some distance from your sons again#but you trust their independence and you tend to wane in and out again already#and theyve all been encouraging you to go out there and get a social life!!#even before the curse you dont know about yet theyve been nothing but supportive#maybe a bit pushy lately. but you think theyre just happy for you#teenagers are rebellious. youre sure theyll use your absence for shenanigans but thats a part of being a teen#so you go for a night out.#its a break from the odd tension youve felt#you come home feeling relaxed. lighter. youre smiling to yourself as you walk back into your home#for a moment its quiet and you can just breathe in the comfortable silence#and then you smell blood. not the faint clinging tang of it youd smelled for a few weeks and dismissed. FRESH blood#your veins chill with panic. dread prickles down your spine. you run towards the smell#and then you hear your oldest sons SCREAMING.#both of them dont scream like donnie and mikey do. they SHOUT a lot. they dont SCREAM#they dont scream like their souls are being torn out of their chest. not like that#(for a moment you freeze. and all you can think about is torn flesh and the snap of bones. cheering. blood caked across your bruised fists.#and then the panic hits you at once and you BOLT#and you walk into the culmination of fifteen years of your careless mistakes.#and nothing is ever the same again
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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manifesting HER 🩷🩷
#I have a mystery pack coming some time next week I need to see if manifestation works i have the worst luck at mysteries#pray for me guys /srs#i need her so bad its not even funny#I have the perfect photocard holder for her she's coming home trust me she's coming home this isn't delusion#elita one#transformers#elita 1#transformers one#tf one#tf one elita
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getting sooooo emotional abt how like. when rick and bp meet again during the federation stuff its like theyre completely different ppl from who they were when they last saw each other. but it almost makes them become closer instead of driving them apart… until of course their values clash in the worst possible way
#i cant word this properly my brain is mush and im trying to fight thru 1billion hc world#BUT LIKE. U UNDERSTANDDD. RIGHT#this happens every time they spend a while away from each other#one or the other or both chnage. but it still stays the same#ill have to draw or write abt it at some point. but i have exams in like a week 😢#gyadddd damn tho… thw flesh curtains/federation time gap esp drives me insane#bc likeeee. rick is already kinda fucked up when they meet. but way better at playing it off#and it never comes up. like hes not in tht deep yet#but later on he Cant hide it anymore. so much so that bp Has to become involved in ricks issues#and while rick still has that smallllll part of himself that still cares. hes much less trusting and shit by that point#which makes it so much more meaningful to me to have bp become involved at this point#and on the othwr hand u have bp going from sweet and kinda naive#to much more … serious ig. and mature. due to his home being destroyed or w/e#but hes contrasts rick in being far more compassionate and liek. genuinely heroic#from his pov maybe theyve both grown up a bit. but from ricks pov its just bp thats changed#i see rick as being far less aware of his own slow downfall. while its more obviosu to others (esp bp)#gggyaahhhh….. they make me so so ill#birdrick
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Thinking about the “Usopp loves Darkwing Duck and Sanji loves Card Captor Sakura” thing from ages ago and now I’m imagining them going trough the hardest challenge a weeabo and a western animation geek can go trough: moving in together.
All the merchandise, the prints, the commissions they gave years ago and the buttons from various cons, it’s an actual nightmare for both of them to somehow try and find space for everything. Sanji hates Funko Pops with a passion, Usopp loves them. Sanji has a giant body pillow of some random anime girl and Usopp feels inadequate. The biggest issue however arrives when they try and decide where Sanjis collection of ero figurines is supposed to go. Sorry not sorry but you KNOW he has some of them. It’s actually not as bad as Usopp expected at first but it’s still a challenge to find a place for them because Usopp does NOT want them in the bedroom like Sanji used to have in his bachelor pad
They actually get into a heated argument at one point while they are running on coffee and lack of sleep. “OH YES IT WAS SOOOOO IMPORTANT TO YOU TO HAVE A SPACE FOR YOUR CRAFTS BUT NOOOO DONT LET YOUR BOYFRIEND HAVE SPACE FOR HIS STUFF AT ALL!” “FUNNY YOU SAY THAT, BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONE FLIPPING OUT BECAUSE I JUST NEED MY BIG TITTED CATGIRL FIGURINE TO LUST OVER IN THE HALLWAY FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!” “*GASP* DONT TALK ABOUT HIBIKI-CHAN LIKE THAT!!”
They don’t talk to each other for what feels like ages (Twi hours maximum) and they finally make up when the guilt gets too much. They both compromise on each selling a few of the things they aren’t as invested in, Sanji agrees to move a few of his more risqué figures to a space where he gets to see them but they can easily be hidden if visitors come over, some of the more decent ones like the pinup one of a lady in the bathtub actually are tame enough to be put in a more open spot even Usopp has to admit (plus her sitting on the bathroom shelf surrounded by both of their soaps and haircare products looks quite cute actually). Usopp keeps most of the Funkos on his work desk at Sanjis request. It’s the nerdiest home ever with some clashing aesthetics but they make it work trough the power of love and because both of them are creative people who can incorporate that into their home space.
… also Usopp has started a game where he will just randomly replace his boyfriends figurines and wait for his boyfriend to notice. Like elf on the shelf but more elaborate and with anime or cartoon figurines. Currently Sakura is being carried away by a bunch of Pikmins in the shoe closet. Sanji has noticed she’s gone but hasn’t said anything because that’s not how the game works. He’s supposed to find her and then yell “GODDAMNIT SAKURA!” Before carrying her back to her spot…. He’s already planning his move though and has decided he’s gonna try and put Grunkle Stan in a glass of water in the freezer with a single lone ice Pikmin guarding him.
This is the realest, most accurate thing in the whole world. They'd move in together but they'd be a mess. They have... Very different tastes when it comes to games/shows and they obviously can't decide what to do with the space they have.
But! They also have things in common. The thing is... They like the content in different ways.
Usopp has a huge Alphonse figure. Beautiful. Next to his Gurren Lagann figurines and so, so many robots. So many mechas. He has the three Gravity Falls diaries. All the Ducktales comics. Darkwing Duck was just the start because he's also a huge DC fan and has so much Batman merch. He's got this extremely awesome replica of Junpei's sword from P3. Everything is high quality and he's very, very careful with his merch. He has his own fanarts in a sketchbook and nobody is allowed to touch his games and his consoles. From Play Station to all types of Nintendos. He has so many damn Funko Pops of everything. Typical "For the last time, Sanji, I keep them inside the box because the box is also part of the merch what aren't you understanding-". Not to mention that he's a huge Lord of The Rings fan and he definitely plays D&D and he's also a botanist so you can only imagine how their house looks like-- So many plants-- Forest aesthetic. Except their front door that looks exactly like the Tardis because Usopp was dying to do that ever since he was a kid, and when he showed Sanji the show he fell in love with it and let him do it.
Sanji likes the same stuff but he has a very explicit Lust figure. Next to his adorable Nia and Yoko figurines and so so so so so many cute simple merch. Like keychains and stickers. I am 100% sure Sanji has Gravity Falls pajamas and Ducktales too that nobody but Usopp knows about. I think one of the only man figurines he has is a Starlord one and maybe Shazam merch, but he's more of a Superman type of guy. He saw Lois Lane and fell in love with her instantly. He has a Mitsuru figurine riding her bike and one of Chidori and Junpei he doesn't let anybody touch. That's precious to him. He asks Usopp to draw him stuff and that's why Usopp is always late to his commissions because his boyfriend suddenly wants to be drawn next to Senshi cooking. Sanji doesn't like Funkos but he does like Nendoroids and Usopp hates it because they're so fucking expensive and Sanji is always crying in the background ("But- But-" / "Sanji, we've talked about this-" / "But this little Miku is so cute!"). Sanji also plays videogames but he's more of an Animal Crossing/Cooking Mama/Stardew Valley type of guy. So many Dating Sims, too. Also the Sims, he loves that.
Their bookshelf is a mix between shoujos and so so many shonens but mostly cooking books and artbooks. So many DC comics too. I feel like both of them prefer DC tbh, Usopp is just Batman and Sanji likes Superman and instead of fighting about it they just admit they're really gay for each other. They do watch Marvel movies, though. Sanji really, really, really likes Spider-man and it's funny because he has arachnophobia and he cannot watch the damn movies without shaking when a spider shows up-- Usopp has Miles' jacket and Nikes I am so so sure. While Sanji probably has a Gwen poster in his room.
They argue a lot when it comes to how to use the space they have but!! Sometimes Sanji walks out of their room to make breakfast with Usopp's Batman t-shirt. And sometimes Usopp uses Sanji's Kero themed hair ties to tie his hair. And... They wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
They're also the type to watch/play anything together and go "Hey they're just like us fr" so now they have their house full of ship merch because those ships remind them of them,,, Those are the true romantic gestures.
Edit: Forgot to say Sanji has all of Taylor Swift's CDs and Vinyls and he's a very intense swiftie that makes Usopp wake up at ungodly hours to hear the new albums, while Usopp is like "I guess she's okay??? She's alright idk" because he literally only listens to movie/game soundtracks, indie shit and Cavetown. They both listen to Vocaloid though that is true. I was there. Project Sekai players that's what they are (Sanji does it for the cute girls but ends up staying because the characters are a bit too relatable and Usopp just really likes rhythm games)
#okay but i want to live in their house :(#i was projecting the whole time lmao i love all of this i want to live there let me in let me in#modern sanuso is my fav thing they wouldn't stop arguing about these things#everyone in sanji's restaurant: omg he's so mysterious and cool the chef is so cute i am sure he's got a very nice place#sanji when he comes back home: MY DEAREST LOOK I BOUGHT THIS 7000€ HATSUNE MIKU OFFICIAL FIGURINE NOW WE WON'T EAT FOR A WEEK BUT IT'S OKAY#i wholeheartedly believe he cannot be trusted around money when it comes to fictional pretty girls#usopp is the same bc you give him the chance to buy an official artbook and he spends all of his money on that#one piece#black leg sanji#usopp#sanuso
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they probably thought this would be the last time they would ever see each other... little did they know that the next time they do, it's in max's hospital room where she lay in a coma after she died, right in front of el.
#stranger things#elmax#heartbreak? oh you mean the elmax goodbye hug?#this hug breaks me everytime#the way they're crying and hugging each other so tightly :(#those few weeks were the best weeks of their lives#those few weeks where they could finally be their real selves#because they knew they could trust each other not to judge each other#yeah.. i'm gonna need a full 9 episodes of elmax in s5#i love pain#i need them back#elmax please come home#max mayfield#el hopper#elmaxisms
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I'm speaking as someone who had a really bad burnout a handful of years ago. You need to give your brain a break. Usually for adhd folks more asleep helps a ton with the brain fog. Adding stimulants will just have your body draw from an already empty well. If you're having trouble with rest or other forms of self-care doctors can help and so can some of the online resources out there. Supplements are wonderful too. Take care of yourself and good luck. You can do it.
thanks so much you sweet anon <3 creating my prior post actually did prompt me to call my doc about upping the wellbutrin because i'm on a low dose rn and i think i need some more mental stability at the moment. but i think you are right about the exhaustion, which increasing the adderall would probably make worse. im gonna see if the doc also has any input on how to help me sleep better because i think that's also a big factor. thank you angel 💕💕💕💕
#for some additional context: about a month ago my grandpa very suddenly lost the ability to walk#he was hospitalized and not doing well. i had to drop everything and drive a few states over because we thought he may not make it.#while i was there (staying with my parents who i don't get along great with) he was diagnosed with cancer and given between 6 months - 3 yr#to live depending on whether or not he wanted to do chemo. it was also determined he will probably never walk again.#i had to come home after a week and a half because i have to work for a living. after i got home they found nodular cirrhosis in his liver#which is causing confusion and hallucinations.#there's a lot of family baggage going on at the same time that i am trying to manage that is too personal and complex to try to explain#but trust there are a lot of mixed emotions going on for everyone and that is making everything even harder.#anyway. that's not even everything but that was kinda the kickoff event of the last few miserable weeks and ever since then stuff just kind#keeps happening and i just want to lay down.#and also scream.#sorry for mopeyposting on the silly website i promise this isn't all my blog is now but sometimes you just have to talk to the rubber ducky#you know?
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Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk
#txt#where did this fear of forming attachments come from#and my fear of being in committed relationship with someone#and just etc#idk I think I’m destined to die alone lol#lol#and not to mention the ✨depression✨#seriously my life is just work home work home every day#and on weekends I just don’t go anywhere except to the damn grocery store#but also I’m always just too tired to do anything outside of that#sometimes I don’t really enjoy work#but it’s also the only thing that gets me up in the mornings during the week#and I’m getting older. I’m not getting any younger#who am i gonna want? I have not had any interest in any guy/man in a long time lol#and frankly it’s hard for me if I don’t trust men#I guess the truth is that I have no love for men irl#don’t get me wrong. I’m a straight woman. who’s unfortunately had unpleasant experiences with men in the past lol#but anyways. also with me getting older. who’s gonna want me lol.#also there’s the added factor of me being Deaf 😂 there was never really a lot of fish in the sea for me to begin with
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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok
#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink#and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time#so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas#and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW#and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme#i WILL trust i swear#if not i kill myself#jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too#ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea#i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention#anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him#now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth#the only homework ive got is reading a few pages#i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about#come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT#forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying#iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant#actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics#if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs#new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist#i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work#well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier
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Sister coming back to this side of the Atlantic fr three weeks near the end of this month all i can say is lol eww omg ewwww and also booo tomatoees
#i do not trust her and her motives and do not like the thought of her being back in the country and w my mom like. at all.#shes a manipulator. shes selfish. but also if my mom wants to invite her in thats a decision i cant forbid her from making.#i do not like this but also can not allow myself to be bothered by it. thank fuck itll only be three weeks#kinda sucks a lil bc i had planned a week off work AGES ago and was so happy id get to spend time w my mom then to celebrate#her own mom died of cancer aged 59 so the fact that shes beating that illness and making it to 60. idk. i wanted to celebrate w her.#but now my sister is like I WANNA BE THERE MY LIFE OVER HERE SUCKS IM COMING OVER so we all have to Adjust for that 🙄#like whatever....she can have three weeks and then fuck off again even mom said she doesnt want her back permanently she can have this much#ive lived through the highs and lows w my mom in the past several years and will have the following time after.#i am welcome here always. i will have plenty of time to share this momentous birthday christmas new year and all those moments in between.#obv i talk big now but know the nightmares will come soon enough. and that one week off work w no opportunity to come back home.....#idk might fuck off and book a holiday out of the country or smth. autumn cabin retreat. museum tour. wellness thing. any recommends fr nov?#like what places or activities would you recommend but also @other belgians welke middelen om last minute te boeken en er te geraken. idk!!
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wow sure love to come in on a monday morning to find a bunch of my shit having been moved around by some rando who was apparently using my room this weekend without my fucking knowledge.
like first of all: my monitor setup is complicated. i don't need people fucking it up.
second of all: it is very possible (likely, in fact) that i left sensitive information up on my screen or lying around since i wasn't expecting anyone to be in here!
third of all: it is very frustrating to come in on a fucking monday and have to put my room back together because whoever the fuck was in here didn't have enough respect for me or my space to put it back themselves.
now i'm just in a horrible mood which is not the vibe for a monday! this could all be avoided if you'd tell me someone's gonna be using my room (or better yet - ASK) because i could have at least straightened up my desk and/or put stuff away instead of leaving my usual controlled chaos that other people seem to find off-putting. (to which i reply - it's not your space, fuck off.)
ugh.
#rant#i almost typed up an email but i'm way to salty about this still and i know i'm not going to come across kindly#even though i feel like they SHOULD know i'm upset about this#like do you want people just rummaging around in your home and moving shit without your prior permission?#NO! YOU DON'T!#and while i know that the room doesn't technically belong to me#it's still full of my stuff and i took a lot of time to make it look and feel the way i want#and i'm sorry but i'm paranoid because people don't take care of shit that isn't theirs#and i don't trust anyone#asldfjas;lgdjas;lijawg#what a fucking way to start my week#also i have a training tomorrow so i need to write sub plans but here i am so discombobulated and frustrated that i can't even focus on tha#yay hyperfixating on the WRONG FUCKING THING
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me rn
#pom ponders#work woes#thinking about how my ex bestie is coming back to the store next week and i already want to cry#i know working with her is going to stress me out and it's going to affect my mood at work and at home#I'm going to have to put my guard up around people and be cold to them and i don't want to#but i can't trust anyone to not fall into her charms and i don’t have the energy to fight it#so i just have to accept that being at work is going to be hell and I'm going to be upset all the time#and i can't go anywhere else right now and i can't quir because i need the money to pay my bills and feed my cats#my mental health is gonna go down the toilet but who cares right#and I'm here screaming into the void because i can't rant to anyone else without sounding like a broken record#oh well i guess
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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Hey since you are back, and absolutely no pressure at all like if you don’t want to, that’s pretty chill too, would you maybe be willing to finish one hundred last chances?
Ugh so like. Yes. Theoretically. But also I simply cannot Stand my old fics and like the only reason I haven’t deleted them off the face of the planet is bc I know other people enjoy them. So it would probably be too agonising for me to actually write up the second half? I wouldn’t get your hopes up I don’t think.
#I think in my head. Steve left and they texted and rang eachother a lot for a few weeks#and Steve annoyed the hell out of the rest of the team by constantly asking them if Tony was doing okay.#until nat showed up at his apartment and told him to get in the car and told him Tony was waiting for him at couples therapy#OH yeah and then I recall. they do therapy for a few months but Steve still won’t come home.#and even though like. on missions Tony still completely trusts Steve to have his back. Steve cant fathom that Tony would ever trust him on a#personal level#but THEN. Steve goes for drinks with a coworker who’s in the area and signals get crossed and she ends up kissing him.#and Tony sees the pap pics and is like. oh.#as soon as steve sees the pics he knows Tony knows. and he’s so anxious that Tony thinks he’s found someone else because HE HASNT HE HASNT#but Tony’s not answering his phone so steve rushes back to the tower and he’s like. fuck. what have I been doing with myself man.#and he has this epiphany that it’s better to be around and heal together. with Tony. than like on the other side of the country#and there’s tears and kissing and emotions and then a resolution#so yeah. that’s part 2 condensed#ask
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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours
#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus#i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring#and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends#working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive#to getting myself out there#i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire#maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk#i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise#too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything#everything i do i rush through so i can do something else#and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really#but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words#or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been#and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting#in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure#it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen#but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it#but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality#anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours#i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends#i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind#maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no#personal
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