#TOP SURGERY DATE REAL

[godbirdart]

i know it isnt for a few months yet but i am having SO many excited feelings about top surgery,,, i have a quick touch-base consult with my surgeon next week and i'm gonna walk into that appointment like 

[raincandy-u]

sometimes i think abt how back in 2015 on august 31st i got an anon message and then fast forward a year later to 2016 on august 31st and me and that anon start dating

and now in 2024 we are living together and planning on getting married and obviously we are planning to have our wedding on an august 31st

[cherryphobe]

Its actually so hard to look at my reflection or take selfies or anything where i have to see my chest & i hate binding & im like genuinely prepared to cauterize my tits off my body its so hard to exist after being so close to thinking id finally have them gone

[thecryoftheseagulls]

heard back from the surgeon's office and I officially have a date for July 2024 for top surgery!!

[mossbabie]

🪸

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

[genderqueerdykes]

you can tell who's actually a part of the lesbian and dyke community and who sits on the sidelines and tries to define these entire identities based off of their own speculation as an outsider. i'm not saying these people aren't lesbians- but when you refuse to actually interact with the broader dyke community outside of your tiny insulated echo-chamber, you are actively refusing to acknowledge how the lesbian community actually functions and behaves

people who think that lesbianism is all about femmes and women are people who refuse to immerse themselves in real lesbian and dyke spaces. masculinity has ALWAYS been a part of lesbianism. there is NO point in queer history where masculinity HASN'T been a big part of the dyke experience. boydykes, studs, bois, bulldykes, male lesbians, ftm lesbians, daddy dykes, testo butches, genderfluid dykes, multigender dykes, masculine agender lesbians, transmasc dykes... these people have ALWAYS been in the lesbian community.

if you believe that lesbianism is strictly about femmes and butches who water down their butchness to mean "androgynous/SLIGHTLY masc woman" for the "safety" of femmes, you have no clue what the lesbian community is actually like and i encourage you to explore the community as a whole, because if you can't handle butches, testo dykes, transmasc lesbians, male lesbians, lesboys, guydykes, studs, bois, bulldykes or any other type of masculine lesbian, you don't belong.

interact with real dykes and lesbians and you'll see masculinity is a permanent, inseparable part of the dyke community. you can't only accept the lesbians you personally like. you also have to accept the ones with identities you don't understand or agree with. you don't have to date butches and male lesbians if you don't want to. you have the right to be attracted to who you're attracted to. but the second you try to exclude these people based off of your own personal tastes, you are committing a grave misdeed to this community by actively participating in the silencing and alienation of masc and male dykes.

you drank the radfem kool aid if you genuinely believe this. this belief stems from the "lesbian separatism movement" in the American 1980s which specifically started to remove butches and transmasc lesbians from the community. if you seriously believe lesbianism is about "EWW NO MEN MEN DNI", hiding from men, hating men, forming "women and non binary spaces only", excluding men and mascs, shaming butches who want top surgery and testosterone, you are not a lesbian: you are a terf, and a radfem. your beliefs don't line up with the real lesbian and dyke communities. you have been brainwashed. this is your sign to wake up.

we aren't standing for this bullshit anymore. we've always been here and your "lesbian means non-men loving non-men" definition of lesbianism is the least historically accurate definition of these terms that you could ever possibly ascribe to them. that definition is factually incorrect and will never be the proper definition. stop defining lesbianism by who we exclude and start defining it by the vast and varied members of our community that we include. our lives depend on it. i don't care if you're not personally attracted to lesboys and testo butches- we belong. it's not about who you're personally attracted to, it's about who feels sapphic, who feels like a lesbian, who feels like a dyke, no matter how they identify. you are not the protagonist of the lesbian community. let go and learn to accept.

[girlgenius1111]

didn't mean to forget you

alexia realizes she hasn’t been giving r enough attention. r promises her she’s not a bad girlfriend.

mostly fluff :)

It had been a long year. Alexia's knee rehab was grueling; the physical part almost as painful as it was for her to be off the pitch. You'd found yourself doing everything you could for her in the aftermath of the surgery, and hadn't really stopped. Things had definitely calmed down since she'd returned home from Australia, but still, you did most of the stuff around the house, most of the cooking, most of the cleaning.

You didn't mind at first, especially with how often Alexia thanked you. You still didn't really mind, knowing you were significantly less busy than your girlfriend, you just wished sometimes she'd make a little more time for you. You didn't doubt her love for you, but when she'd come home to a perfectly clean house and a cooked dinner, and not bother with more than a thank you before sitting down on the couch, silently asking for quiet, it made you feel unappreciated.

You knew it wasn't on purpose, the two of you had just gotten into a routine. The tasks you did didn't seem to be out of your way, they just seemed... regular. You'd thought about bringing it up to her, but she was so stressed, so exhausted, it didn't seem fair to make her feel bad about something you'd get over.

What you didn't count on, though, was for her to notice.

It happened after training one day, a nice fall evening. Alexia had gotten home late, stuck in meetings, and had missed dinner. She'd gotten caught up talking to Mapi after the meeting, when the defender had said something that really made her think. She mentioned how she had a whole list of chores to do that she'd been neglecting, and Ingrid was going to start withholding sex if she didn't get productive.

Alexia was amused, and then, rapidly distracted. She couldn't remember the last time she'd done a chore, done anything around the house. Done anything with you, outside of spending time together after training. The last real date you'd been on had been in Australia, when she'd had a day off.

Australia, when you'd taken weeks off of work as a photographer to come cheer her on at the world cup. She hadn't even asked; you'd always just... been going with her.

When she walked in the house and noticed that you'd eaten alone, she felt a pang of guilt; she'd forgotten to text you that she'd be home late. Still, you greeted her with a big smile and a soft kiss on the lips.

"How was training?" You asked, pulling away from her warm embrace to instinctually grab an ice pack for her knee. The action startled her; she hadn't even asked for ice, yet you were getting it anyway. How often did you do that? Anticipate what she needed, and get it for her before she could ask?

"Ale? Everything alright?" You asked, as she still hadn't responded.

"Si, yes. Training was good." She was suddenly struck with the need to spend time with you, to do something you enjoyed. "Do you want to go for a walk before it gets dark?" She asked, taking the ice pack out of your hands, and throwing it carelessly on the couch.

The smile that lit up your face at her suggestion made her want to cry. Your smile was her favorite thing, but for this small thing to excite you so much... she'd dropped the ball.

"Yeah!" You told her excitedly. "Let me get my coat!" You scampered off to the closet, leaving Alexia standing with an ever growing feeling of guilt. She looked around the room, really noticing for the first time how clean it was; not a speck of dust in sight. She could see a plate wrapped up for her in the kitchen, presumably of the dinner you'd cooked her. On the couch was a load of laundry you'd done. All of this, on top of your job. Alexia suddenly couldn't remember the last time she'd thought to stop, and thank you. For doing all of the things she didn't have the energy for, without ever making her feel guilty.

Your return startled her out of her thoughts, grin still stretched across your face as you laced your fingers with hers. She couldn't fight the smile her lips pulled up into at your excitement, but the overwhelming sensation she was feeling was guilt.

"Ready?"

"Si, vamos, mi amor."

You walked in relative silence for a a bit, hand in hand, enjoying the gentle breeze, and the slightly cool air. Alexia was caught in her thoughts, you could tell, and you waited patiently for her to tell you what was going on. After a couple minutes, you glanced over at her, and were startled to see tears gathered in her eyes.

"Ale, baby, what's wrong?" You asked, stopping her and turning her towards you. She wiped harshly at her eyes, shaking her head. "Si, come on, tell me." You insisted.

"I'm so sorry, y/n," was all she managed, before she was back to crying. You didn't know what was going on, but the feeling that you got whenever you saw Alexia cry, the feeling to make it stop, no matter what you had to do, took over. You led her over to a bench in a mostly empty park overlooking the beach.

"What are you sorry for, pretty girl?" you questioned, keeping her hand tightly gripped in yours, even as you sat next to her.

"I've been so awful to you," she cried, biting her lip hard to pull herself together.

"Ale, what the hell are you talking about?" Her emotional state was starting to scare you; Alexia wasn't one to cry, and it seemed like whatever she was crying about had to do with you.

"You do everything, the dishes, cleaning, the laundry. I barely say thank you. You took weeks off work to come to the world cup with me. I haven't taken you on a date since then, and it's been months. We never do anything fun, anything you want to do, and I didn't even notice. I'm a horrible girlfriend," she finished, lip quivering as she looked at you, with so much guilt, so much sorrow, you felt your heart shatter.

"You are not a horrible girlfriend. You've had an insane year, the least I can do is support you," you told her, placing both hands on her cheeks in an effort to make her listen.

"And now you have to comfort me, because I'm crying, because I've realized I'm a horrible girlfriend," she continued, not really hearing you.

"Alexia Putellas, do not say that again," you firmly told her, and her eyes flew up to yours at your sudden change in tone. "You are my favorite person. You've gone through so much this year, of course you've been distracted. I want to do anything that makes it easier on you, truly," you paused. You didn't want to lie, but you really didn't want to make her feel any worse.

"I mean, yeah, it's been a while since you've taken me on a date, or since we've done anything together except hangout and watch TV. And yeah, sometimes I wish you'd make more time for me," at this, Alexia’s looked like you’d just told her that her entire family was dead, and it was her fault. You rushed to continue, wanting to rid her of guilt as fast as humanely possible. “But I get it, I really do. You don’t need to feel guilty, Alexia, I’m not upset.”

“You should be,” she said miserably.

“Well, I’m not. I’ll only be upset if you insist on feeling guilty.”

She looked conflicted, and you laughed.

“Alexia, my love, it’s okay. If you really want to, we can go back home and you can wait on me and fold the laundry. And tomorrow you can take me out to dinner. And after that, you can take more time for me, in general.”

The Catalan suddenly looked determined. Without another word uttered, she grabbed your hand and stood up, pulling you back in the direction of your apartment. You suddenly weren’t sure you’d have very much to do in the coming days. When Alexia got her mind on something, she always did it, all the way. Always.

- - - - -

This would be how you found yourself in the bathtub, an absurd amount of candles lit, wrapped up in Alexia’s arms as she lay soft kisses on your temple every so often.

You were incredibly relaxed, and incredibly comfortable.

“I love you, y/n. So much. I’m sorry I haven’t been better about showing it.” She whispered eventually.

“I know you do, love. I’ve never doubted that. I love you too, ridiculous girl.”

“Ridiculous?!” she cried, looking offended

“You just tried to feed me a chocolate covered strawberry. In the bath. You also lit every candle we have in the house. We got home 20 minutes ago, Alexia, and I didn’t even know we had strawberries. Or chocolate.”

She huffed indignantly, and you laughed, pressing back against her, even though you were already as close to her as you could get.

“You’re my favorite person. Any time I get to spend with you is special, because you are special. I don’t care what we do, as long as I get to do it with you.” You told her, allowing yourself to really be vulnerable for the first time that evening.

“Joder, y/n,” she choked out, and you realized she was crying again.

“Ale, what’s gotten into you? Crying twice in one day?”

“Cállate,” she responded, but it really lacked any bite when she said it through tears.

“My sensitive girl,” you teased.

“Only for you.” she promised, and you tilted your head to look up at her. Green eyes found yours, sparkling with love and unshed tears. You reached up, wiping a stray tear off her face, before tugging her down to kiss you.

Her lips pressed against yours, moving perfectly in sync. They were soft and full, and they expressed all the love that Alexia felt for you, all the love that she wasn’t always able to express.

- - - - -

[madamechrissy]

=͟͟͞♡ Healing Hearts =͟͟͞♡

=͟͟͞♡ Pairings:-Doctor Gojo x Intern F!Reader

=͟͟͞♡ Contents/warnings- MDNI- Warnings- overuse/incorrect use of prescription meds, angsty asf in places, scene of a medical procedure, death of a patient )at the beginning) heavy subject matter, some sexual tension. Reader, 26, Dr. Gojo 34- Grey's vibes ✨️

=͟͟͞♡ Word Count- this chap- 8k

=͟͟͞♡ Summary- You are the top Surgical Doctor intern, along with Maki, Yuta and Toge. You all are exhausted from passing the first month, sixteen plus hour days, days you don't even go home, all to get a top spot with the star Surgeon, Dr. Gojo, your resident doctor and boss. Or as you call him, Dr. Hojo. He's takes nothing serious but his surgeries it seems, and has a reputation for being a player, but he has that top spot, so you want to prove your worth! You just have to ignore those stupid butterflies he gives you, and those pretty blue eyes, along with his interest in you, and focus!

♡ Reblogs and comments appreciated ♡

=͟͟͞♡ Part Five =͟͟͞♡ Playlist =͟͟͞♡ Masterlist

Part Six

Satoru has a morning routine.

Skincare? Well a splash of cold water on his face, he’s been lucky enough to have insane genetics, in his mid thirties he could pass for a college student, not a line on his perfect skin. But that was really all he did, that splash of cold water every morning, as he then starts to take his morning cocktail, after that he makes himself eat something, then brushes his teeth.

After that, he gets ready for the day, and as that Adderall mixes with his morning coffee? Fuck it’s perfection. Then when the Kolonopin hits right along with it, Satoru’s mind is blissfully open, and he’s able to focus on what he does best, saving lives. One doesn’t just become the best doctor there is, no that takes time, precision, and a lot of sacrifice.

Satoru is alone, usually. For a night he had you in here, in his bed and snuggled against him, and fuck he enjoyed it, which terrifies him. It’s been a week since he’s been able to do more than sneak hungry kisses with you in the locker room of the hospital, your schedule is longer than even his as you’re an intern, recently you worked twenty four hours straight.

Fuck he admires you, how even exhausted and dead on your feet, you manage to put a bright smile on your face, he’d love to just take care of you, but you have to go through this to truly become a great doctor. But he finds himself missing you, constantly thinking about you. You’ve become a fixation, a sort of obsession, he wants to know so much more about you.

He wants your body to fall apart under him again, wants to taste your arousal on his tongue, feel you clench around his fingers, watch as your cheeks flush and your hips raise for him. He wants you naked in his bed, but he also knows he’s just not good enough for you, for what you want and need.

But he’s selfish.

It’s almost Christmas, and the snow has piled up as he slides into his warmed up car, thinking of you and your ancient SUV, he hopes you at least have heat. His drive to the hospital is quiet, no music, as he takes another pill, this one is his Xanax, something about Klonopin and Xanax is blissful. Any stress he has gets replaced by a ton of ‘I don’t give any fucks’.

He knows you saw, you haven’t mentioned it though, and tonight he’s supposed to actually get you on this date. He wants time with just you, no other distractions, being inside of you is better than any cocktail of benzos he could dream of. If it was all his life consisted of, maybe he could go without it.

But the real world is just that.

The waiting room is packed, Satoru instantly goes into doctor mode, getting one lady in a wheelchair who’s vomiting blood, and he thanks god for that xanax, to help him through. He thanks god (or medicine rather) for the adderall making him have enough energy to run back and forth like a madman, helping everyone he can.

He helps the med students, the interns, the patients, the doctors on the floor who all come to him. ‘Dr. Gojo’ this ‘Please, Dr. Gojo- a minute’ that. Can you check this patient, can you check this scan, all while he’s got his eyes on his four interns, including the girl consuming him, the girl with exhausted eyes and shoulders that just look too narrow lately.

The girl he makes eat something because she’s been here all night helping a baby after a rough c section. He finds you in the nicu, with your hand inside the incubator, when he holds the coffee and muffin he’s brought you. But he pauses to watch you, as you mesmerize him with your pretty smile, singing something to the itty bitty baby.

“Does that actually help? I’ve heard it does.” Satoru murmurs, you jolt just a bit, looking up at him nervously.

“I think they enjoy the interaction, do you know if baby’s don’t get it they just… won’t make it?” You gulp as you speak, before continuing to hum.

“Shoko says you’ve been at it all night, why not eat a little something?” He suggests, you sigh, nodding then, taking off your gloves, going to wash your hands and pat them dry.

“You’re so sweet, thank you.” You give him a little kiss, and he exhales, setting your things down to pull you close.

“I miss you, can you hate babies already so you’re back on my floor?” You giggle breathlessly then.

“No, sorry. I miss you too.” You kiss him slowly, softly, your lips little brushes against his, in an easy rhythm that feels so natural, so perfect.

“Fine, one more day then I want you back.”

“Needy for me?” You tease, and he exhales, nodding. “I can’t wait for us to have a date, if shit doesn’t hit the fan.”

“When doesn’t it? Alright, you eat Missy.”

“Thank you Satoru.” You kiss him again, he pulls you so tight, like he can’t get you close enough, before letting you go.

After eating your breakfast/lunch/dinner - that muffin encompasses all of your overnight shift - you’re yawning when Shoko comes to you. “Emergency c section, you ready for this, intern?”

“Ready.” You’re scrubbing in now with Dr. Shoko, as the patient is prepped and sedated, falling into a slumber.

“She was a drug user, the entirety of the pregnancy.” Shoko informs you softly, as well as the others, and you pause then, looking up at her soft brown eyes behind her glasses.

“Is that why she’s so small?” You murmur, she looks maybe three months pregnant at best.

“Mmhm, it’s not the first. Four of them had fetal problems, two made it and were sent to child protective services.”

“Four!?” Shoko sighs, nodding as she starts prepping her, drawing a line with a marker over her lower abdomen. 

The surgery begins, you’re trying to keep your eyes on the procedure, not the heart rate monitor of the baby you heard earlier, already so faint there’s likely no chance. You don’t need to hear the baby’s heart drop, not when you know what that means, not when it’s one of your worst fears in this job so far.

You know all lives are important, but something about a sweet, precious baby not making it makes you question anything and everything, kids in general, it’s so much to handle so much. You know you can’t let it get you, you have to do what you do with all patients, focus.

Satoru wants you to dislike babies, to know better, but where he’s wrong is working with Shoko has you more in love with them. But you could do without, without having children, even if it’s heartbreaking to think of,  if it meant having Satoru’s love. You could put that aside and respect him, but right now all you can think of is how badly you hope this baby has a chance.

“Scalpel.” You watch as Shoko makes the incision, a perfect line, and you’re trying to keep your breath even as you watch her pull back the skin, the muscle, the fat, until she’s finally cutting toward the uterus.

You both are resting pieces of this woman’s small body on her nearly flat, open stomach, one of the oddest parts of the procedure. “Not much blood, that’s good.”

“Yes, here.” Then you see it, the uterus as Shoko hands you the scalpel. “You can do this.”

You take it with sure hands, a sense of dread filling you, one you’ve felt before, but you shove it down, as you delicately cut to reveal the baby, so tiny and blue, and not moving whatsoever. You swallow down the bile in your throat, taking a deep breath behind your mask as you start to suction its nose and mouth, it’s little limbs twitching slightly for just a moment.

“Come on, come on little one, breathe, please.” You whisper, your voice hoarse as you try to get it to breathe, taking the little boy to the little table as Shoko stitches the mom back up.

You’re intubating the baby that’s not crying, you’re giving it oxygen, you’re doing the little compressions, and you can’t hold back the tears that fall as you realize there’s no chance. This baby is maybe five months gestation at best, but even for that it’s unreasonably tiny, it’s just a helpless little doll on your table, one that you keep trying, as Shoko comes, listening for breathing, looking for any sign of life.

You hate that you're crying right here, that you can barely hold yourself together. Just what sort of doctor even are you!? You hate that you’re not stronger than this, but you’re just so tired, and you hate that you can’t save everyone, especially this little boy. Did he even have a chance, as his mother did all of that?

Even so, you hate that you couldn’t save him. You hate that Satoru isn’t here to hold you, to whisper sweet nothings in your ear, to distract you from this depression, Shoko’s murmuring in your ear, but you can’t even hear her truly. You keep repeating to yourself- ‘you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor’.

You have to keep going, even when it’s hard, right? You keep going even when it’s all just too much. You are shaking however, when Shoko gently pulls you away from the lifeless little body, shaking her head then.

“Long gone, sweetheart. I’m sorry.” You shake your head, you have to be pried off the little lifeless baby.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“Shh, it’s okay. Step outside, I’ll be there.”

You realize from the talk amongst the nurses and others that the mother didn’t even care, she had meant to have an abortion but was too preoccupied, and thought drugs would ‘deal with it’. You can’t stop your anger, your fury, despite needing to remain ‘detached’.. You’re sobbing silently, sitting in one of the waiting room seats when Shoko and Satoru come to you.

“Think you need to take a break, go with Satoru for a bit, hmm?” You nod a bit, Shoko holds you for a moment, kissing your head, and you fall into Satoru’s arms, wrapped up so tightly, inhaling his scent, that cologne of his, feeling his heart against your cheek.

“Oh, baby… I’m so sorry.” He whispers huskily. “Come on, let’s go have some privacy?”

Soon you’re in his office, and you can’t hold it back anymore, not when it’s just the two of you, you break down completely, until you’re a mess.

“Shh, shh.” Satoru’s rubbing your back as you break into sobs, unable to breathe now, getting lightheaded as your breaths come in sharp little pants. “Hey, you need to take a deep breath.”

“C-can’t… how can I… be a doc- if I…” You’re all flushed and red when he pulls back and looks at you, cupping your face between his big hands.

“Breathe. In. Out.”

“C-can’t, can’t… fucking it all up… I…” You back away then, hand on your chest, struggling as your hands are going numb, and you feel yourself getting dizzy. “The baby is just… he’s just gone and I… I can’t take it.”

Satoru sighs, holding you closely. “You have to though, this is what being a doctor is, sweetheart.”

You sniffle, feeling your blood pressure rising more and more, the crushing weight and your exhaustion hitting. “Then I can’t, I can’t-”

“Yes. You can.” Satoru shakes you then, grabbing you by your shoulders. “You can do this, you did what you could with the baby. Plenty of others you’ve saved, and their moms. You can’t fix everything.”

“I… I…” You collapse against him, sobbing again, as the door knocks, Satoru shushes you gently.

“Yeah?”

“Dr. Gojo…” You hear Miwa’s voice then, you quickly swipe at the streams of tears on your sticky cheeks.

“I’m busy right now, what is it?” You’re turning away, trying to get yourself together now.

“I am prepping OR 3 for surgery.”

“Yes, thanks.” Satoru’s hand is on your back now, comforting in its touch, but then his words make you tense. “Do you see now?”

“See what exactly?” You turn to him, eyes swimming with tears that are burning as you struggle to focus.

Satoru sighs, swiping a hand through his silky white locks, before putting his hands in the lab coat pockets, tilting his head. “How awful it’d be, to have kids. Especially this line of work, how could you keep it all together?”

You glare then, jaw setting, hands clenched into fists by your sides, fury taking over every part of you. “What!?”

“I don’t mean to be insensitive, but maybe this is a learning lesson, a reality check of what you’ll handle here.”

Your jaw clenches so tightly it hurts, breaths quicker and quicker. “You know what? I have not said shit about the cocktail of pills in your bathroom. I have not said shit about the fact that you seem to hate kids or something. I have not said one word about you, about your lifestyle, your fear of commitment, I haven’t tried to change you or pry.”

Satoru falters then, hitting him in waves how furious you are, realizing now what he’s done, his lips parting. “Shit, I’m sorry, I-”

“No, you’ll let me finish, Dr. Gojo.” At your formal tone he’s breaking, he sees it then, you’re trembling, barely able to keep it together, he feels your anger and even worse, your disappointment. “I haven’t said a damn thing, because we just got together, and we don’t even know each other yet.”

“You act like this connection is normal?” His hands go to your waist, but you shove them off.

“No, it’s not, but what is also not normal is pushing someone to want what you want. You’re trying so hard to make me change my mind, for what? So I can be a perfect little girlfriend for you? So easy, let you do what you want and have no fucking opinions?”

“That’s not what I want. I want you.” He tries again, but his hands freeze an inch above your skin when you glare up at him through tears.

“I don’t pry, I don’t judge, I just accept you. But you can’t accept anything that doesn’t fit into your world, can you?”

“I can accept it, I just know you’re not thinking rationally, you’re young and still inexperienced.”

You laugh then, a humorless laugh at him. “That’s insane talk from you, truly Dr. Gojo. Your whole MO is thinking outside the norms, is letting feelings in. But only if it benefits you. And my age? I’m no baby, you’re not even that much older.”

“It’s life experience, is all.”

“Hah, you don’t even know my life.”

“Just… I’ll drop it. I swear.” You shake your head at him, and he panics then, sensing you falling back from him. “I will drop it, come here, you’re upset.”

“Yes, I’m upset! What I just had to see, what I just had to… and you’re what, rubbing it in my face!?”

Satoru’s blood pressure rises as he realizes he’s losing you, his hands trembling, sure hands that never falter. “I’ll stop, just don’t… don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what?” You whisper, he cups your face and you can’t push him away, not when he slams his lips down on yours, and you’re kissing him back for just a moment, before thinking better of it, freezing your lips, pressing them in a terse line. He’s a breath away, leaning over you, taking over you completely.

But you can’t.

“Don’t you leave me. Please. You’re important to me.” He needs you, he needs you so badly, but he feels you slipping through his fingers, knowing he’s pushed you too far. “I’ll drop this. I’ll respect what you want.”

“Oh now you will? Instead of comforting me after watching that little baby…” You can’t even say it, you can’t even think of it, the images in your head making you devastated. “You know I’m emotional, you knew that and you said it was a good thing for a doctor, but because it’s not what you want in this situation you use it as what. A lesson? It’s no lesson, it was a baby!”

Satoru sighs now, shaking his head, covering his face, temples pounding as the blood rushes to his brain. “It was fucked up of me.”

“Yeah, it was.” You take a shaky breath, shaking your numb hands, pacing now, and Satoru watches you with his heart in his throat. “I can’t.”

“Don’t do this. I see what I did.”

“This isn’t good, any of it, me and you. What do we have? We had insane sex, I have feelings…”

Satoru blinks snowy lashes, droplets just nearing the tips of them, as his lower lip trembles, damn near ending your resolve. “You have-”

“Feelings that are too much. It’s too much, I can’t even focus on this internship, you consume me.” Satoru yanks you against his chest, his breath sweeping over your swollen lips, bitten to death from the stress of the day.

“You think you don’t consume me?” He whispers hoarsely, and you shake your head, earning his humorless laugh. “You’re wrong, so wrong, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me that. Don’t look at me that way, those eyes of yours, eyes that make me stupid.” You shove at his chest as those blue eyes take you over, snowy lashes lowered, a beautiful face that makes you ache.

“Don’t leave me. Please.” His voice breaks, and you feel it, his vulnerability, it makes your stomach flip, makes you almost sick.

“Why can’t you accept me, when I accept you?”

“Because I don’t want to disappoint you, I thought it’d be better if you want…”

“What you want.”

Satoru gulps now. “I’m selfish, I want you and only you, I wouldn’t want something else in our lives.”

“Our lives?” You laugh then. “There’s never an ‘our’. Not when you just want to fix everything you deem wrong with me.”

“I don’t want to ‘fix’ you. I’ll stop it. Just kiss me.”

“No.” He pauses a centimeter from your lips, exhaling. “I won’t kiss you anymore, I won’t let you say insane things in my ear while you fuck me, ‘only me ever’ what are you trying to do to me!?”

“I meant it.”

“No, let me go.” His hands drop, as he blinks back tears, and you’re a mess in front of him. “Satoru… I could have gotten over it for you. Wanting marriage, wanting serious shit, wanting kids. Don’t you know I’d give it all up for you, for a chance to be with you? But you trying to change me? That’s where I draw the line.”

You hate seeing him in tears, your beepers both go off then, and you step away, heading towards the door. Satoru’s hand stops you, over your little one, his voice desperate as he leans over you. “I was wrong, will you just forgive me?”

“You made me work with Shoko to hate babies. Then when it backfires, you say something like that?”

“I know. I know.” He hugs you from behind, burying his head against your neck, and you love the embrace, you love him.

But you also love yourself, and you can’t handle it anymore, the cold, cruel way he goes about things. The careless way he dismisses you and all of your feelings, the way he thinks only his way is right, that everyone should think as he does. You shake in his hold, everything pulling you to him.

“Do you hate me?” He whispers brokenly, and you shake your head, looking up at him now, his blue eyes glittering with tears.

“I could never. Far from it.”

“Then give me a chance to fix it.” His thumb brushes over your jaw, your precious face destroyed, your beeper goes off again and you take a breath.

“Let me go. We’ll talk later.”

You walk out, leaving him sobbing against the door, his head against it, fist landing on it, struggling to pull himself together. You’ve in just a couple months become the most important thing in the world to him, but you’re just… leaving him. And he can’t blame you, he’s confused you, he’s turned your life upside down, and he instead of comforting you…

He threw shit in your face.

Why couldn’t he just let you want kids? Well, because he can’t be a parent, and he can’t give you it, and he wants you, no he needs you. He needs you with him, only him, to feel your lips on his, your body against him. To see your little smile, to hear your moans and cries, to comfort you when you’re exhausted.

He should have comforted you, why did he need to do it like that? Why did he fuck everything up? The thoughts swarm in his head as he leans back in his chair now, covering his face with a hand, before he yanks open his drawer. He takes out the xanax and crushes it right on his desk, lining them up with a credit card he yanks now from his wallet.

He rolls up a hundred dollar bill and snorts it right up his nostril, it burns like a bitch, makes his eyes water, but he knows it will hit soon, he won’t give as many fucks, right? But after twenty minutes he’s taking another, and another, until he sees his shift is done, and he’s weakly walking towards the locker rooms, seeing you there changing, looking at your gorgeous frame.

Your eyes catch his then, you quickly look away, your eyes are puffy from the crying he’s made you do, when he slips off his shirt, head fuzzy. He stumbles just a bit, catching your concerned gaze. Which infuriates him then, he steadies himself and glares at you, slipping off his own shirt, noticing your gaze just grows more worried when he slips his top on.

“Satoru, what’s… are you okay?” You care about him? Why?

“Just peachy, sweets.” He gives you a fake smile, and your heart races, as you look up at eyes almost black, so dilated.

“Satoru are you-”

“Don’t ask shit about my life. You’re done, right?” His unexpectedly cruel words pierce your heart, you turn away, body shaking. “That’s what I thought.”

“Are you okay?” You ask again, turning back around, watching his lids lower just a bit as he leans over you, pressing you against the cool metal of the lockers.

“No, m’not okay. Girl of my fuckin’ dreams hates me.” You hear it, the slut of his words, as he takes a hand and cups your face. “Why do you gotta be so beautiful?”

“You’re fucked up.” You manage to breathe out, and he smirks then.

“Me? Nah. Maybe fucked up over you, intern. Haunt my every dream, now you’re gonna just leave?”

“Satoru…”

“You should know what you’re missing.” He kisses you again, desperate and messy, brutal and hungry, hands pulling you against his hard body. You whimper, hating your body’s reaction to him, how it lights up. “You want me, huh?”

“Of course I do. It’s you who can’t accept me.”

“I can… I can…” He kisses you again, one hand cupping you between your thighs over your leggings. “Always so hot f’me.”

“We won’t do it. I deserve better.”

“You do.” He presses a finger along your clit, moaning then. “Better, better… you do… lemme just take care of you, hmm?”

“Stop it, Toru. You’re not yourself right now.”

“This is me.” He kisses you again, as you press on his chest. “It’s all me, this is really me. Gonna run the other fuckin direction when you learn.”

“Ahem.” Suguru’s clearing of his throat does nothing to Satoru, who’s in a haze of lust, depression and xanax. “Satoru, back off.”

“She’s leaving me, Sugu, who doesn’t?”

“It’s not like that!” You hiss through your teeth.

“Satoru…”

“What?” He sways just a bit, Suguru’s frowning now as he looks at him.

“Really, Satoru?”

“What? Really what? I’m tired of everyone so fucking judgy.”

“Suguru take him home.” You whisper, and he nods then, but Satoru glares over at you.

“Why should he?” He demands. “I’m fine. I take more than I did for fucking breakfast.”

“You can’t have someone see you like this.” Your first worry is someone walking in, Satoru losing his career, every other hurt or worry is thrown into a back seat.

“M’perfect, baby. Should I show you?” He kisses you again, as you shove at him, glaring.

“You’re not perfect, maybe something’s hitting harder? You’re not okay.” He shakes his head, laughing now, eyes glinting.

“No I’m not okay, how can I be? When you’re leaving me.”

“I’m not, I just… I’m mad and I’m upset. Okay? Let me be. It doesn’t mean you have to… hurt yourself-”

“You hurt me existing.” He whispers, cupping your face again.

“Satoru, enough.” Suguru’s words resonate in Satoru’s brain, thank god. “Get your goddamn jacket and shoes on.” Satoru huffs and Suguru brushes your hair back as he finally lets you breathe, ever so gently, dark violet eyes filled with concern. “Are you okay, love?”

You nod quickly. “We just… have different views and he was hurtful, but I’m worried more than anything.” You whisper, looking at Satoru now, you’ve never, ever seen him like this. Your heart hurts for him.

“He’ll be fine, I’ve got it. You get home and get some sleep.”

“Thank you, Suguru.” He nods, and you shut your locker, when Satoru looks at you with devastated eyes, shattering your heart.

“I’m so sorry for what I did. Okay?” He whispers, taking your hands then, and you sigh, shutting your eyes for a moment.

“Satoru I never put myself first, with my toxic exes. I let them run all over me. I have to take care of my heart this time.It’s not that I don’t feel it, I feel it. Just please, I have to put myself as a priority.” You touch his chest over his soft sweater, and he has two trails of tears falling from his cerulean eyes.

“Do you need time?”

“I need a minute to breathe, to think. We’ll talk more when you’re…”

“What, sober? Sweetheart I never am.” He whispers, right against your lips, Suguru puts a hand on his shoulder now.

“She’ll talk to you tomorrow. Right?”

“I will.” Satoru kisses your forehead, and you have to hold in every bit of you that wants to take him home yourself, that part screaming forgive him.

But even for Satoru Gojo, the man that’s taken over your heart, you have to protect yourself.

“Good night, then intern.” He murmurs, running the backs of his cool fingers across your overheated cheek.

“Good night Satoru, Suguru.” He gives you the smallest smile, when you leave Suguru exhales, covering his face.

“I fucked it all up, Sugu.” His voice is broken, and Suguru puts an arm around him now.

“How much did you take?”

“Four bars. Not OD level.”

“Thank god. Just… Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Soon you see Satoru and Suguru, as you climb up in your car, and you rest your head on the steering wheel, bawling your eyes out.

It feels so wrong not to be in his arms, not to kiss him, something that just started became so precious to you, so special. But what he did was nasty and hurtful, what he keeps doing, trying to make you change like this, you know you’ve done the right thing. But you also know you’re in love with him, with a beautiful, brilliant and broken man, and you won’t be able to let him go fully.

*****

The next morning Satoru is there bright and early, sipping on coffee in the cafeteria as you walk in, faltering. Remembering so vividly being pressed against those lockers, those eyes that were black almost are now a calm storm of blue, as he looks at you over his hot cup, steam fogging up around his face. You just stand there, because you’re exhausted, you’re hurt.

You want to be with him more than anything, you wanted to go on that damn date with him, wanted to fall asleep in his arms. You want to just forgive him so easily, to fall into the abyss that is Satoru Gojo, to feel those plush lips on yours, to have those eyes devour you. Feel those long fingers that are currently curling around that styrofoam cup, touching your cheek.

You both stand there, until you clear your throat, smiling just a little, a sad smile that makes Satoru feel like shit. He knows how bad he’s hurt you, he’s had all morning to think about it, about how fragile you were, so vulnerable, coming to him to feel better, and what did he do instead? Make you leave him, devastate you, and all he can think of is how to put a real smile on your face again.

“Morning, Dr. Gojo.” You say softly, eyes lowering, lashes casting shadows over your cheeks.

“Good morning, intern.” He says, his voice isn’t the bright and goofy one you’re used to, or the husky sultry one for you, or even the flirtatious one. It’s a soft voice, unsure, just like you.

You grab your coffee now, your shoulder brushing his, just that contact alone makes you ache, the pain in your heart so brutal you feel emotions starting to come in waves. There is so much left unsaid as you both walk out past the packed waiting room, heading over to the elevator, Satoru presses the button, and you stand next to him, feeling the pull, it’s just stronger today.

“I’m…” Satoru clears his throat, looking down at you now, your breath catches. “I’m really sorry that I pushed it. I understand we’re over, but I need to tell you.”

You look up at, swallowing nervously, the backs of his hand brushing against yours, and yours gently brushes back, sending shivers down his spine. “I forgive you, I do. It’s just… we’re too different.”

Satoru turns toward you, leaning down low, free hand cupping your face. “Too different?”

You nod, feeling the tears burning your eyes. “We are, Satoru, so different, and that’s okay. But I think we both know it won’t work.”

“Yeah, you think so?” His words are hoarse, his gaze tearing through your every barrier, a sad, lost gaze.

“I do. Maybe you were happier before, a Hojo and all.” You smile sadly, looking down at his perfect lips. “I hope we can be friends, when you go back to collecting those infinity stones.”

Satoru presses the stop on the elevator then, making you gasp, pulling you by your waist against him, so close you taste that sweet mocha on his breath. “You can leave me, I get it, but don’t think for one minute you’re not all I want. Don’t think I’m giving up on this.”

You can’t speak, not when he’s so close, not when the words he’s saying are ruining you, that you’re melting for him, as your own free hand slides up his chest. “You’re not?”

“How could I? It’s you.” Satoru exhales against you, almost brushing his lips on yours, before pulling back, starting the elevator. “Want that goddamn date with you. I’ll do anything I can to earn it.”

“Satoru…” He walks off when the elevator opens, leaving you to lean against the rail, head pressed against the wall, you’re not sure what floor you’re going to, you just know he’s got you too far gone to leave just now.

He’s not giving up on you, and you don’t want him to give up, either. But with so much between you left unsaid, you have no clue what any of it means. When you’re finally where you need to be, after several elevator rides of pulling yourself together, Satoru checks his rolex, peering at you.

“You’re late, intern.” His voice is calm, professional.

“I know, I’m sorry.” You manage hoarself, as Toge, Yuuta and Maki look at you, concern in their gazes, as they of all people truly knew what a mess you were last night after you got home.

“Don’t let it be a habit.” Gojo says, trying to be stern but it’s failing, it’s just a soft little order, one you nod at. “Wanna work with Shoko or do the pit with me?”

You’re surprised then, blinking a bit. “The pit, if I can please.”

He gives just the smallest little smile. “Then you’re on it. Maki, your week with Shoko.”

“Babies, yuck.” She shivers and Satoru smiles just a bit bigger, as Yuuta snorts in laughter.

Satoru surely feels the same as Maki, but you?

Satoru knows you are yourself, uniquely so. He now knows you were going to sacrifice it all for him, and he didn’t deserve you, not one bit, you deserve more, everything. But he’s so selfish, he wants you back, and he knows he’ll do anything for it, to have you back in his embrace, which feels so empty.

When you’re both alone in his office later, while going over a patient, he keeps his distance as much as he can. Satoru wants to respect this, your wishes, but his hands long to touch you, even those casual teasing brushes you all shared had meant so much to him.

“Present your case, intern.” He says then, leaning on his desk, you feel this distance he is keeping, and it breaks you, but you pull it together, this is your decision right?

“We had a patient with hours of stomach pain last night, ultrasound found gallstones, which should be what occurred, and ordered an EKG to rule out any potential signs of heart attack.”

“Perfect.”

“Patient is in his late fifties, mild drinker, smoker, but otherwise healthy, a little overweight. He likes tacos, he said.” You smile just a bit at it.

“Well who doesn’t? And EKG results?”

“Everything came back normal.”

“So what’s the best course of action?”

“The stones are small, but there are a few. I would suggest a laparoscopic cholecystectomy first, aside from gallbladder removal. That, and a lower fat diet, along with no alcohol should have him just right.” Satoru smiles at you, fuck you make him proud, holding yourself high.

“Exactly right, do you want to assist?”

You blink in surprise, you weren’t sure after everything, but Satoru is clearly not holding any of this against you. “If you would let me, of course, Sir.”

Sir.

Should be calling him that in the bedroom, he thinks, how pretty you’d be on your knees, begging for his cock in your mouth. The images are so lewd and it takes him everything to keep it together. He smiles though, sitting down and taking one of his klonopin right in front of you. You look away nervously, biting your lip.

“You should know all of me. You should know you were smart to leave.” He takes one and chews it up, feeling the sweetness hit his tongue.

“I don’t want to leave you.” You whisper, coming to him then, he pulls you between his thighs now, and you cup his face. “I didn’t judge you.”

“I know you didn’t, I know.” His eyes shut, he turns and kisses your palm so sweetly. “I won’t have anyone else, it’s just you.”

“Satoru it’s insane to say it, when you…”

“I know. I know it is.” He pulls you down, to where you’re leaned over him, one leg over his chair, your hands gripping the arms of his seat. His hands slip over your waist, right over your scrubs. “I’ll do anything to make it right.”

“You think I don’t want to kiss you, fuck you? Suck you right here?” Satoru moans, hand pulling at your hair at the nape of your neck, little networks of goosebumps pricking up, your body reacting in every way, nipples pressed against your bra, desiring his touches.

“Think I don’t want you wrapped on this cock?” His seductive whisper has your hips shifting, a movement he notices avidly.

“You can have anyone, Satoru.”

“I only want you. I’ll have to show you. But will you let me try?” He asks, emotional now as the overwhelming feelings hit.

“I don’t want to be changed for you, I don’t want to give up who I am.” He sighs now, nodding, sad look on his beautiful face.

“I won’t change you. But sweetheart, you are changing me.”

“Bad or good, Satoru?” Your whisper damn near ends him, is it bad or good, this obsession with you? You’re good, but is he?

“I want it to be good. I don’t want to make you cry again, break you down, terrify you.”

You ease in his hold, a hold you never want to leave, but you try to think rationally, despite the overwhelming pull of him, despite the ache to press yourself fully against him, to let him take your pain away. “Then let’s… take time.”

He nods, brushing a thumb on your lower lip, just a little glossy from your chapstick, he can almost taste it, vanilla sugar. He’s caressing your face ever so softly. “I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“Thank you.” You kiss his cheek, before pulling yourself off him, sighing.

“Time, huh?” Any time without you in his arms makes him sick, but when you nod he kisses your forehead, so sweetly you want to fall against him, fall into him. “I’l give it, don’t even deserve this right now.”

“I still feel it all for you.” You say, before you pull away, making his heart race. “Don’t hurt yourself over this, please. It’s not… I still…”

“Don’t worry about me, sweets. I’m fine.” His sad smile doesn’t reassure you anymore than he’s pretending it to be true. “Now, go get ready to put him on the board, yeah?”

“Yes Dr. Gojo.” You give him another worried little smile, leaving Satoru to cover his face in his hands.

No amount of a benzodiazepine lessens the need for you.

Your back is against the door, breaths coming quickly, leaning your head back and just longing to be with the man inside, the broken man that has your heart. You know it will never heal without him, no it needed him to heal, you want to stand so firm but your heart and soul know you belong to him, even if for now, you both don’t know it’s true.

You put on a brave smile, and set about your day. You could do this, right? Be without him? You were fine your whole life before you even knew Satoru. Surely… but then why then every time you formally speak to him, do you wish your lips could crash on his?

The day is hectic, even more hectic than usual, you’re running on nothing again, and when you’re finally done, and you’re heading to your car, you can hardly hold your eyes open. Satoru’s next to you suddenly, hands on your shoulders, you yawn as he looks down at you, you’re so curious how he got here.

“You’re too tired to drive, intern.”

You look at him, squinting just a bit in the dark night, the wind softly blowing back your sweater and making his snowy hair sway. “Are you fucked up?”

He sighs, shaking his head. “Normal meds. I wouldn’t hurt you. Intentionally, aside from being an ass. I’ll take you home, Maki can bring you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, thank you Satoru.” Soon you’re driving in his car, his hand keeps wanting to rest on your thigh, but he stops himself. He’s running on nothing himself at this point, he’s exhausted, and all he can think of is what it’d be like to hold you against him tonight.

The longing for you, for any of you destroys him, the only sound is his car gently moving through the snow, the windshield wipers going as you keep stealing glances at him, so tired your eyes are heavy. All you can think of is holding him, falling into that bliss, god imagine, snuggling with him again, waking up with his kisses.

But you don’t know him, truly, and how will you, when you’re running from him? Even if it is the best thing for you, it doesn’t make it easier, not when you study his perfect profile in the night. Not when he glances your way for just a moment, that hand hovering right next to your thigh, like he’s fighting it too.

Soon you’re home, the heat of his car mixed with how tired you are makes it almost impossible to leave. Satoru leans over, unseatbelted you, and himself, a hand finally gently over your thigh. It burns through your warm, plush leggings, like a brand on your skin, his other hand brushing your hair back ever so softly, as he opens his mouth, then closes it.

It’s quiet in the car, your breaths and the low purr of the car filling the air, along with the wind outside and the gently falling flakes. “I will do everything I can to get you back, I won’t give up. I’m too fucking selfish.”

You smile, so sleepy, caressing his perfect face. “Satoru, you’re amazing, brilliant, great at so much, but you have to learn, you can’t just fix people, you have to accept them.”

“I didn’t mean to. I just…” He swallows, resting his head on yours, and you’re dying to kiss him, to feel his mouth take you over, he is your drug.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. What I did, it was not okay. I talked to Sugu a long time last night, blitzed the fuck out. What I did was horrible, you needed me to comfort you, and I made it all worse.”

“Yeah. You did.” He exhales, smirking just a bit.

“You’re brutally honest.”

“You like that, I think.” You lean your chin up, noses brushing, lips just that bit apart, killing you both.

“I love it, I love that you have your convictions, your emotions, I love so fucking much about you. I know I didn’t show that.”

“No, you didn’t. But… Thank you for that.” You pull back a bit, taking a breath. “I don’t trust myself around you, I’ll falter, I’ll give in. And Satoru I have to…”

“You have to be a priority.”

“That, I’ve never been.” Your phone starts going off again, you check it and frown, making Satoru curious, but he knows he shouldn’t pry. “Case in point, my other stupid ex.”

He glares at your phone, then looks up at you, softer, concern in his gaze, mixed with self loathing. “You have bad taste.”

“Satoru, not you. There’s so much good here.” You put a gentle brush of your lips on his now, easing back as his eyelids lower, as his grip slips higher. “I want to fall into this, into you. You’re my own Xanax.”

“I’m that good?” He smirks, and you laugh softly. “You still haven’t even asked, why I’m on it all.”

You bite your lip, shaking your head, enjoying the heat of his hard body against yours too much. “It’s not my place right now. I should go.”

“Yeah…” Please don’t go, please.

Something pauses you, and you hug him then, he hugs you back tightly, and you kiss him once more, exhaling against his lips. “Don’t give up on it.”

“I sure fucking won’t. I win at everything you know.” You snort at that, a smile brightening your beautiful face, making him melt for you.

“We’ll see about it. Take care, Satoru, please drive safely in this?”

“I will. You get some sleep.” He wishes he could come inside, in your warm, cozy home, and hold you, but he knows he can’t.

Yet.

Satoru won’t give up.

You wave at him before you get inside, the overwhelming, exhausting past week eating you alive, and you’re stumbling when Toge sees you. He walks up quickly, concern clear in his violet eyes, hands on your shoulders. “Okay?”

You break then, shaking your head and sniffling. “No, m’not, Toge.”

Toge holds you then, as you sob against him, and soon Maki and Yuuta are out there too, all rubbing your back, your hair, as you can’t stop crying. It’s too much, not being with him, the hurt he caused, the fears you have. The past days, losing that little baby, losing so many, losing your fucking mind.

“I’m so tired, you guys, of all of it.” You barely speak, barely hold it together, as they all gently speak.

“No, you got this baby, I swear. If it’s not Gojo. if he’s not the one for you, guess what? You’ll be okay, we’re here for you, either way.” Maki says softly, and you nod, sniffling now.

“You have to do what’s best for you, don’t feel guilty.” Yuuta says, and Toge’s giving you the saddest look of all.

“Hurting.” You nod quickly, hugging him again.

“Don’t you run from me, please.” You say softly, as he strokes your back. “I need you all.”

“Not running.” He assures you, with a sweet smile, and you feel so at home with them, but something’s missing.

Satoru is missing.

How has he become everything so quickly?

But soon Maki is getting you a glass of wine, and Toge has cookies for everyone, Yuuta is putting on your favorite movie. And as you’re cuddled with your best friends on your old couch, so comfy and worn in, it almost feels perfect. You’re blessed to have them, warm with the fire going, while the snow falls outside. But you can’t help but look out the window.

“I love him, fuck.” You whisper softly.

“We know.” Maki says, you snuggle back up to her, curling up and letting her rub your hair.

“I love you three so much. Don’t leave me, even if I’m a mess.”

“We’re not going anywhere. Shh, just relax.”

Sleep doesn’t hit for Satoru that night, not when he stares at your number over and over with your picture in his phone, not when he thinks of the date he had ready on that fairy boat for you, not when he thinks of you in his home. He stares at that damn piano, remembering kissing you on that bench.

But he was selfish, he was pushy, he ruined such a beautiful thing before it began.

Satoru knows now, he needs you, like he needs to breathe, and he knows by looking in your eyes, you feel it, though you’re now terrified. He was so afraid of pushing you away, that he did just that. As he sips down a whiskey and pops a seroquel, he hopes it will take him to sleep soon, blissful dreamless sleep where he won’t have to feel this pain.

Satoru looks out the window, watching the snowfall and wondering if you’re okay, before the sleeping meds take him out. But it doesn’t prevent those dreams, it only makes them more vivid, and he wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating, panicking. He calls you, knowing you won’t answer, but he hears it.

A sleepy ‘hmm?’

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

“Shh. Satoru… s’okay… shhh…”

He lets tears fall as he sets the phone on speaker. “Will you… let me hear you breathe? So I can sleep?”

“Hmm, you’re weird Doc.” He snorts through his tears, and you sleepily wonder if this is a dream on your end. “But mkay.”

He soon hears your steady breathing, and he finally can sleep, mind whirling with ways he can earn you, while you listen to his little sigh, hand gripping the phone, picturing him in your mind’s eyes. “Night, beautiful.”

“Night S’toru.”

Two hearts are alone but still connected, as both wonder what the exhaustion of tomorrow would hold, and beyond the doubt, they hope.

I know this was an angsty/darker chapter, but it will get more lighthearted and will have a happy ending, but we gotta go through some rough stuff to get there (Satoru won't be a Hojo again dw lol)

Taglist: @lostfracturess @unfortunately-tia @allofffmypeaches @chiyokoemilia @makingtimemine @antisocialinlw @meg3mis @miizuzu @nanasukii28 @zoeyflower @wstaley2 @bunheadusa @blue-musingss @ameliariddle @moncher-ire @jkslaugh97 @shadeowz @gojo1228 @nanasukii28 @jaeminaur @httpstoyosi @angel1of-death @seeing-stars-alt @bol0-de-morang0 @jjknanamin @ghostskilledmyaddiction21 @trishiepo0 @inthedarkshadows000 @gina239 @san-it-is-i-guess @pelicanpizza @gojo1228 @ducky1232 @inthedarkshadows000 @eclecticmentalitypersona @burguhndy @levislug @addehehe @sluttyofgojo @msniks @xixflower @n1vi Perma tags: @alt--er--love @cuntphoric @loafteaw @indiewritesxoxo @harutahake @jinjen

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

It’s crazy how Veilguard was released in 2024 and yet feels less proudly and effortlessly queer than previous entries. Just this sense of pandering and empty diversity that you’re never able to interact with in any meaningful way. Maevaris is trans.. and nothing is done with that. Tarquin is trans… nothing done with that. All the companions are playersexual, and yet there’s less overt shameless sexiness than Dragon Age Origins. We’re given the opportunitiy to explore non binaryness, and it’s through the most annoying character in the entire DA series to date. Dorian is gay, and you wouldn’t know that at all unless you played the previous game. Oh your Rook can be trans/non binary in this game! And you can’t give yourself big gender-affirming tits or a juicy ass, all you can do is make your crotch bulge big and get top surgery scars. Also the CC hairstyles are so homophobically hideous.

A lot of lip service for queerness, hardly any true real deep interaction and celebration and flaunting of that queerness. The way it’s implemented reminds me of how Blizzard announces that an Overwatch character is a lesbian in order to distract audiences from the fact that a new allegation of workplace sexual harassment has come out against their top rank employees. It tastes cynical, even though the people who wrote Veilguard are queer themselves, it feels lazy and boring and oh so unsatisfying. Them just existing and saying “I’m queer!” is not enough and should never be enough. Yeah you’re queer, what else? What fucking else.

[hyunjinsjeans]

He Knows (I.N ver.)

Han ver. | Felix ver. | Seungmin ver.

Masterlist

Synopsis: A little retelling of how you wind up finding out you’re having a baby with I.N.

Type: Fluff 🧸, angst ❤️‍🩹, female reader 💃

Warnings: mentions of unplanned pregnancy, no last draft proofreading

Word count: 2828

AN: Okay, this one is extra long because Innie is the last one to have been married (in my He Knows universe, thank you so much) so there are plenty of things to cover... I had plans for this story but then my period appeared and uhh, well this happened! Enjoy!

Innie is so sweet when he is with you alone. It was easy to forget he really did not enjoy skinship when you first started dating because he would hold hands with you a lot as long as you were not in public. 

He is used to being taken care of all the time, his hyungs love him and they have always looked out for him as if he was their real younger sibling. It did not change the fact that he was a man. Naturally, he started shaving and he grew out of his shelf more with the years, with the boosted confidence and renewed self worth that outgrowing teen angst gives people he began looking at women around him a different way. It wasn’t just lust, there were possibilities. He learned early on that being an idol and having a family were difficult things to coincide. A rare occurrence. Yet somehow, his hyungs began making it work. So he started considering those possibilities. I.n could tell it was no easy task even if it seemed simple. As an idol, having a partner was a wild dream.

The first one in the group to get married was Hyunjin, ever the romantic he popped the question in an elaborate manner. Everyone knew because he could not shut up about how excited he was. He even practiced with Changbin, Felix and Han as audience to give him pointers. I.n and Chan looked from afar with Seungmin and Lee Know ignoring the bunch. I.n questioned himself right then if he was ever going to find that kind of unquestionable love. Hyunjin was nervous with the excitement of it, but he never mentioned thinking about Hyunjin!Reader saying no. He was merely inviting her to make it official. And the absurd thing was not that he was so confident, but that he managed to make the transition look effortless. From single to a boyfriend to a husband. All on top of being an idol. 

I.n would think about his chances to have a special someone by his side constantly in the next couple of years, when his hyungs began getting married and introducing their girlfriends to everyone at group gatherings. 

After Hyunjin came Changbin, then Lee Know and Chan. Felix got married a little after the elder aussie and then Han was brave enough to pop the question. 

Han had not even finished planning his wedding when Seungmin introduced his girlfriend to everyone, they had already been together for a few months and while nobody had met her in person it was still no surprise to see her. 

It was the revelation that everyone was making a life so difficult for an idol work for them, that made I.n take that step and ask you out. 

You could say you were late to the party, but it was not as if you were strangers. You had met him a long time ago and although at first you thought he was being flirty he never made a move so you dismissed it. 

You were a nurse at a plastic surgery clinic, you were mostly helping the dermatologist so you were used to greeting the young idol at the reception - though you never treated him any differently. To be honest, you were not too aware of who the famous acts were because you spent a lot of your time studying and this was your first job since graduating and getting certified. You were used to seeing him as you usually helped his doctor with the procedures. 

Jeongin’s invitation for a coffee had you blushing behind the reception counter he so nonchalantly leaned on. You could feel the other nurses’ stares burning the back of your neck. You were unable to reply, simply letting out a little “oh”, and giggling. Your coworker coughed on her desk beside you, safe from Jeongin’s stare. She opened her eyes wide and nodded frantically in your direction. A silent but clear “say yes, you idiot!”

“Sure!” You had said, grabbing the reception pen and a flier from the bunch on the desk. 

You scribbled your number and told him to text you so you could agree on a time and place. 

***

It seems too long ago now as you stare at the pregnancy test in your hand. 

Outside the bathroom you can hear the sound of steps going from the door to the window, they barely stop and then they trace their way back. 

I.n was nervous when you brought up the topic the night before, he was brushing his teeth and you were already laying down under the covers. 

“I’m never this late,” you explained, “I called the doctor but he won’t see me until Friday…” 

He was the one to ask you to take the test after hearing you were going to have to wait an entire week to see the doctor. He would not be able to wait that long with this news looming over his head.

You had not actively tried to have a baby, but both of you knew you were having some mild symptoms. An aversion to some smells and food, a strange dizziness every other day at random times of the day. The lack of your last period was the only piece in the puzzle to finally land in its place.

He was waiting outside in the bedroom, panicking. Panicking big time because he was scared. He was scared of the world outside your home, the people outside your relationship.   

Unlike his members, he went the private route with you. He did not want you to be subjected to judgment and criticism. He would hate himself if he put you in such a vulnerable position. In his eyes, he had few chances to take care of the people he loved, he was almost always the one protected by an elder or a more authoritative figure; with you, he was the lead. He was the one in the public eye taking the metaphorical blows and the literal hate. 

He was the one showing his face to fans who loathed the meaning behind the ring on his finger, he was the one avoiding posting the pictures he took of you, the one asking the company to make sure they cut any footage of you they would get on camera even if it was funny, especially if it was funny.

You were his safe space, his home and his world. 

He knew the moment you two had children that the shitstorm would be of astronomical proportions. He wished with all his being he never had to talk you out of having kids, because he knew in his heart that it would make him the happiest man alive to fill your house with the sound of their laughter. In his wildest dreams he would have three kids with you, all of them would be as funny and curious as you, they would probably inherit some of his fox-like features and maybe just like him they would be carefree little troublemakers. 

Oh, Innie would love to be over the moon with excitement but right now he was wishing and praying you had just been late… he had dropped his second mini album a few days ago, he could not fathom the idea of juggling the promotions and tour with a pregnant wife at home and the secrecy of it all.  

You were aware of all of Jeongin’s unspoken worries because he tends to take up more responsibility than anyone ever asks of him. When you met his members, his leader told you so in secret - although you were already aware from the months dating him. 

I.n was your everything from the moment you met at that coffee shop that first time outside of scrubs. It was because you met him - not the idol; and he was sweet, he was sincere and smart. You could tell his mind raced behind his eyes even then, he was reserved both with words and touch. 

It was not unusual to walk with him somewhere and stand next to him at arm's length, he rarely held your hand and even more oddly would wrap his arms around you in public. The most he would ever do was sit next to you at restaurant tables. Although there were sparks of affection here and there they were scarce and far between. During group meals he would allow your chairs to be closer than usual and he would not mind having your thigh pressed against his, but this was it. Sometimes when you brought him a smoothie or a coffee during your lunch break he would let his fingers brush against yours for a second too long. Jeongin was better at making the time and taking notice of your interests than he was at wording his affections. 

In private he would laugh at what he came to nickname your “labrador behavior”. It reminded him of Felix at first, he enjoyed the sensation of your hands on his hair and how you rubbed his scalp in such a soothing manner he would feel himself begin to drift with sleepiness. 

After a while together he could no longer have his friend in mind when you came near him, he was the last thing on his mind; you were quite obviously not him. Rubbing his back and then his shoulders, kissing the back of his neck and wrapping your arms around his waist while you layed in bed. 

Of course once you started having sex he became more touchy at home as he was more comfortable with the physical contact knowing you welcomed it. He enjoyed simply standing behind you while you cooked or brushed your teeth and liked to tilt his head to smell your hair. He began letting his arms wrap around your shoulders when you watched tv and he pulled you to his side so you could lay against him on the couch. 

He was happy to live his life with you away from prying eyes, but how private could it stay if you showed up at events with a big round belly? People were curious, they had always been and sometimes they found ways to glance into your lives. Somehow, people knew what you looked like, and this was bad enough to him.

I.n did not want to do as his members had done, he was adamant his family were not public figures so they stayed private. Everyone respected that, most fans respected his wishes of privacy as well. The ones who did not were the ones he allowed himself to spend the most time worrying about. Because you were his small delicate flower on a strange planet, which he adores too much to pluck and take home under a spotlight for people to stare and dissect and pick at and hurt. 

You sighed once the result was clear on the test. Your eyes traveled to the three year old ring on your finger. With shaky legs you stood and pushed your hair behind your ear as you grabbed the door knob and turned it, the footsteps outside the door quickly came to a halt. Walking into your bedroom your gaze met your husband’s and you felt your mouth go dry, words stuck in your throat. His expression softened and he extended his hand for you, you handed him the test, eyes looking away as you pulled your hand away immediately. 

I.n grabbed the small plastic tube and gazed at it with a straight face. Your eyes watered and the air in the room seemed to be insufficient to your lungs, you turned to book it and get space away from him; his arms fell by his sides and he watched you reach the doorway and leave through the long hallway. 

It only took him about four long strides before he was right on your face. 

His free hand cupped your face and he pulled you into him so your head could rest on his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around you and you immediately let his warmth envelop you as you held on to him. 

You were like that for a couple of minutes, holding onto each other in silence. You felt guilty, afraid of what he would say. Innie did not want kids, at least not now, you were sure of it. You hated the thought that he would be angry, that he might blame you - and in your mind he would be right to do so because you had been slacking and missing some pills… 

You heard him chuckle above you and peeled your cheek from against his shirt, your face was tear stained with fear but he was looking up at the ceiling with his lips pursed and an undeniable smile plastered on all of his features. His fox-like eyes looked like two long lines.

Like every single time before, you were life’s accomplice in making him realize how much more there was to life than to playing it safe. He wondered if you would ever let him catch his breath, as it felt like you always had surprises for him. Anytime he was sure of something you changed his world; first by entering, then by asking him if he wanted to have a space in your closet, then moving in with him, and the last one had been when you accepted his nervous proposal and married him. Now you had somehow found a way to pull at his heart strings and bring his head out of the daze of carefulness. 

He noticed your eyes on him and he sniffed, then he returned to holding your gaze. 

“I knew it!” He admitted, “I knew you would be the death of me!” Tears spilled from his eyes.

You swallowed hard, an apology beginning to come to your lips. You had talked about having kids once, but he told you he would not force his luck like that being an idol and being married was already challenging enough… you had accepted that, having Jeongin was more important to you and that was a compromise you were willing to make. 

“I’m s-”

“No,” I.n interrupted you, “don’t say that, I am sorry.” He cried a little more, “I’m not mad, I’m-I’m actually happy!” 

You heard his voice break and he let out a chuckle as more tears fell down his face. You wiped them and wrapped your arms around him again, placing your head in that comforting spot on his chest. 

“I’m scared,” you admitted in a whisper, still in his embrace. “What do we do now?”

I.n squeezed you against his body and then pulled away, leaning back to see your face even though you were looking down, avoiding his gaze. 

His hands traveled down your arms and he held your hands. 

“We,” he paused, “are going to the doctor on friday. Then you are going to do everything they say you do. And I am going to take care of you. As best as I can, I promise you.” 

You smiled with the urge to cry some more and your husband kissed your cheek, bringing you closer again. This had been one of those strange things that let him know something was up with you; you were suddenly breaking into tears at anything. 

“I would love that!” You cried into his black shirt, a wet patch forming.

“Please don’t cry, you’re making me cry,” I.n pleaded with his cheek against your head. “I hate to see you cry, and I don’t think it’s good for the baby either!”

Your grip on him tightened and beyond helping his words seemed to encourage more emotion to overwhelm you. And so the hiccups began. 

“Aw, Y/N… babe…” he rubbed circled onto your back seeing as you were so affected 

Your husband helped you sit down with him on the living room couch, still holding on to him while you tried your best to recover control over your emotions. It truly was a hormonal thing. 

“Innie?” you sniffed, brave enough to let go for a moment. He gave you a soft smile, pushing your hair behind your ears as it had become somewhat unruly. “I love you.”

Your husband broke into a smile and he cupped your face, already aware you needed all the physical contact he could offer. 

“I love you too,” he gave a soft peck to your nose and you blinked in surprise, fully not expecting this display of affection even in the privacy of your house, “and I love you too.” 

You followed Jeongin’s eyes as his hand moved to your stomach and he placed his palm against it over your sweater, a tender smile adorned his features. You sucked in a breath and placed a shaking hand over his. 

“You’re going to make me cry again,” you whispered. “I think they love you very much too.”

————

Likes, Reblogs and Comments are welcome! Thank you for reading!

[twink-remus-lupin]

i am insanely lacking trans remus lupin ANYTHING . And you're one of the only people ive seen so far who does them/thinks about them similarly to me

so i was wondering if u had trans remus lupin hcs u havent shared before ? (with wolfstar/others or js about him)

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK i have a lot to say.

headcanons! (teen pregnancy/trans pregnancy mentioned)

he comes out pretty young and has already socially transitioned when he starts at hogwarts. i think Pomfrey would set him up with magical puberty blockers and hormones when he is old enough

chose the name remus on purpose, the little shit.

somehow didn’t realize he could be gay til around 3rd year- thought since he was a guy he had to date women. he was not happy about that

he and lily went on one date to hogsmeade (james cried but gave his blessing) and he ended up coming out to both her and himself at the three broomsticks

they fake dated for a while until he eventually came out to the other marauders and for the most part james was just thrilled to find out lily was single

sirius didn’t react as well but only because he had a baby crush on remus that he didn’t understand yet and was pissed when remus started dating kingsley around 5th year

the other marauders know he’s trans starting 3rd year because of a mixup between them finding out he’s a werewolf and trans

“we know what you are” “okay yes i’m trans” “you’re a werewo- wait what”

alternatively he tells them he’s trans to cover up for his monthly clinic visits when they start catching on to his lycanthropy

5th year he starts hormones and sirius goes insane because his voice is getting deeper

remus dates a couple different guys to distract himself from his growing crush on sirius who is growing out this stupid beard that definitely doesn’t make him want to jump his bones

sirius finally comes out as bi and has a fling with a guy in their year that ends because he’s too in love with remus

they have a weird back and forth for a while until they kiss 6th year and finally start dating (peter called it, james is floored, lily is just glad remus will shut up about sirius’s hair finally. she is wrong.)

they are obsessed with each other, get promise rings 7th year.

Remus keeps having pregnancy scares and Pomfrey is so close to strangling him

“just because you’re on testosterone doesn’t mean you won’t get pregnant remus! here’s a condom.”

sirius and james pay for remus’s top surgery when they graduate- he feels terrible about taking the money but they insist.

they want to get married but decide to wait until after the war

remus isn’t sure he wants kids but as soon as harry is born he’s a complete mess

he immediately asks sirius if they can have one

sirius is thrilled and they start planning for a baby as soon as the war is over

that obviously doesn’t happen and remus is devastated, swearing off the idea of having kids entirely.

after sirius gets out of azkaban they discuss it again but decide that it’s once again not the right time and besides, they have harry now.

and then

oops! they got too carried away and it happened anyways

they have a daughter because wolfstar girldads are so important to me

harry is deeply confused when he’s first told because he had no idea remus was trans or that they were together

he comes around and is a very proud older brother to the little one, doting on her constantly

no one dies and they all live 60 more years as a happy family

okay that’s it i have a bunch more including AUs and whatnot but i’ll stop there for now. I love wolfstar accidental pregnancy trope because they would absolutely be complete idiots about using protection. plus harry being completely invested in his godsister because he’s never had a real family before. he literally would look at her like she hung the stars in the sky.

if you’re looking for a good wolfstar/trans!remus writer i absolutely adore @mrsfrecklesmarauders

she has an ongoing muggle au that always has me completely enraptured

i’ll probably rb this with more at some point ! thanks for the ask🤍

[torturedtypewritersdept]

blue eyes + bruises - part six

✯ pairing:

doctor!rafe cameron x fem!reader

✯ summary:

a tragic car accident looks like it'll be the end for you, but dr. cameron is here to make sure that doesn't happen.

✯ warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, and fear, car accident, death of a spouse (not rafe or y/n), major surgery, injuries, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity back in 2021/2022 and i have rewritten + reshared it here :)

—

Rafe’s soft hand tracing the freckles on your cheek is what woke you and as you stirred, wincing, as the first of the morning’s pain hit your senses, you looked up and into his blue eyes. At that moment, you were convinced there was no better way to wake up. You could imagine looking into his eyes in a tiny apartment close to the hospital; coffee filling your nostrils as the beans were rung of their juices and into the cup he’d be sure to bring to your bedside, because he’s just that kind of a guy. Those daydreams had been keeping you going lately, imagining a life outside of what you were living now – outside of hospital filled days and pain and the unattainable doctor at your bedside. You had been starting your mornings with blue eyes a lot lately, which was the main constant between your daydreams and your reality – those days – the blue-eyed days, always let you put your best foot forward and you were thankful that today was one of those days. 

“Good morning, pretty girl.” 

He spoke softly, careful not to startle you as you were still gaining your bearings from the slumber you were woken from. 

“Hi.” 

You spoke suggestively, your morning voice poking through, unsure of how sexy he found you as you sat upright in the hospital bed. You winced again. 

“Easy, tiger.” 

He chastised you softly, pushing your shoulders back against the soft pillows. 

“Here, let me.” 

He spoke, reassuring you with a smile. You gingerly nodded as he grabbed the bed’s remote control and brought the top half to an upright position. 

“What would I do without you?” 

You questioned playfully again. Jenni snickered from behind Rafe, watching as you shamelessly flirted with him, you had made that your full time job and you hoped he didn’t mind. You weren’t stupid enough to think he meant the nicknames and sweet words, even though it all felt real, you were sure it wasn’t. The truth was, you didn’t believe in love, even if it came in the form of Rafe Cameron, who you were sure had much better prospects than some girl he met for the first time in the emergency room. You thought about the night of your accident often – so much so that it was consuming your being; some days it was all you thought about and this morning, while you woke up to those pretty blue eyes, was no different. The thoughts were consuming you in the same way that Molly consumed him. You closed your eyes for a brief moment, drowning out the sound of Jenni and Rafe chatting amongst you about the day's plans. You loved them, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care when all you could see as your rows of eyelashes collided was the pale blue dress that clung to your body as you looked in the mirror one last time before heading out the door. Another blind date. You had spent your last thirty bucks on the dress, hopeful it would make a good impression. All that you knew about him was that he was a doctor – you didn’t know where or even what his name was, you just hoped he wasn’t an asshole like the last three had been. You were lonely and ready to find your person; your fertility clock ticking away by the day. You were supposed to fall in love in college and get married and do all the things that you’re supposed to do when that happens. But, instead, some dumb boy named Storm had broken your heart freshman year and you hadn’t let anyone in since. What kind of a person names their son Storm, anyways? Though you thought maybe they knew the Storm he’d turn into – maybe they knew who he’d become. You should’ve taken it as an omen; for him, for your life, for the way the 18 wheeler collided with your car, for the way the blood soaked the pale blue satin of your dress, and for the way the first time you locked eyes with Rafe you knew you loved him. 

“Earth to y/n!”

You heard Rafe chuckle as he waved his hand in front of your face. Your eyes were closed, but you felt the wind against your face as he moved it back and forth. Your eyes flew open and you forced a smile; he could tell. 

“Sorry, I was thinking.” 

You replied softly. 

“What were you thinking about, sweetheart? Is everything okay? Are you in pain?” 

His brows furrowed in concern. One thing you admired about Rafe is that he always wanted to make sure you were okay. He was selfless and kind; a golden retriever in human form and you loved that about him. You knew those qualities made him a good doctor and moreso, a good person, a good man. 

“I’m fine, I promise. I just got lost in my thoughts. I feel a little weird today, lots of emotions, y’know?” 

You replied, giving him a genuine smile this time. He always brought them out of you – by simply just being. 

“Will it make you feel better if I tell you I brought you breakfast and that you and I are going to go on a little field trip?” 

He looked at you with bright eyes, eagerly anticipating your response and as the joy laced your features, he knew he’d do anything to watch that in slow motion over and over again. 

“Is it my favorite?!” 

You squealed in question and excitement, already knowing the answer. ‘He remembers things about me’, you thought.

“Of course it is, you know I gotta take care of my girl.” 

He said, placing the chicken and mayo biscuit on the tray table in front of you. You looked down at the orange and brown Biscuit Co. wrapping paper it was covered in. Ever since Rafe had found out that you loved it as much as him, he made it his mission to bring you one at least once a week. He deemed it a treat for your progress in treatment. The words that had just come out of his mouth hit you in the same way your body flying through the windshield of your car had. The assault on all your senses made you freeze and your only response was the blush that filled your cheeks and a soft smile. 

His girl? Is that what you were to him – were you his girl? Or, would he be just like everyone else if you were too close to him. 

“Now, eat up – Big day today, sweet girl.” 

He said, smiling at you – the Rafe Cameron one – the one you couldn’t get enough of.

“What’s so special about today?”  

You questioned, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Today is your first day out of the hospital with me.” 

He said sweetly, rubbing your cheek with the pad of his thumb. You frowned, anxiety filled you. He knew you well enough now to know it would trigger your fight or flight response – hence the biscuit. 

“Don’t worry, sweet girl. I’ll be there the whole time – we got this. It’ll be fun. You deserve some fun, don’t you think?” 

“I-I don’t know, Rafe.” 

You muttered. 

“You do. Now, eat up and I’ll go get everything ready for us to go. Jenny is gonna help you get dressed okay? I had her get some clothes for you.” 

He promised in return, a wink meeting your gaze before he kissed your cheek and disappeared from the room as quickly as he had entered. 

“He’s a sneaky little fucker, isn’t he?” 

Jenny blurted out, erupting in a belly laugh and suddenly there were crinkles beside your lashes as your smile met your eyes. 

“That, he is – but, you know what he’s up to, don’t you?” 

You questioned her, squinting your eyes in her direction. 

“I don’t know a thing!” 

She gasped, feigning shock as she placed her hand against her chest like you had shattered her heart. You could only laugh at her antics. 

“Okay, but, seriously – is this okay? Can I trust him?”

You asked. 

“Sweet girl, if there’s anyone you can trust – it’s him.”  

Jenny replied, a sweet smile on her face. Your heart clenched at her words and you nodded shyly in response. 

She moved around you to the chair adjacent to your bed where a pile of clothes lay waiting for you, quickly gathering them up in her hands before walking around the bed again and helping you lean forward. You aided her as best as you could with your left leg locked straight by the brace it was confined to. She started by reaching behind your neck as she helped you lean forward and gently untying the hospital gown that was draped over your top half. Her hands worked quickly and before you knew it, she was helping you into a bra and placing a UNC sweatshirt over your head. It was oversized and large, accommodating the injuries to your abdomen well. They were healing, but you wouldn’t be back to normal for a while. Jenni continued her work, tenderly removing the straps of the brace and lifting your leg out of it, taking the shorts that Rafe had provided for you and placing each of your ankles before she slid them up your legs as you sat there. 

“Okay, sweet girl. I’m gonna put the brace back on and then I'll help you upright so we can pull your pants up.” 

She spoke sweetly, encouraging you along the way. She knew how humiliating this was for people, she was no stranger to the reality of that. She worked as fast as she could, buckling you back into your prison before turning your body and letting your legs lower to the floor. 

“Put your hands on my shoulders and don’t touch your injured leg to the ground, okay? Rafe will kill me otherwise.” 

She joked, but you did as she said and watched in adoration as she manhandled you and helped you stand only on your healthy leg while she pulled your pants up around your hips. 

“All done!” 

She beamed emphatically at her hard work coming to fruition and just as the words left her lips Rafe entered the room. 

“You ready, sweet girl?” 

 He questioned and you smiled kindly in response, giving him a slight nod.

— 

Rafe had packed you safely in the backseat of his truck and he’d gone above and beyond, really. Though, you were sure maybe it was just the doctor in him that had you currently seated in luxury; your back leaned up against the back driver’s side door, a very fluffy pillow well above the regular hospital grade ones you were used to created a barrier between you, the window, and the plastic door handle. Your legs were laying straight out in front of you, the left one elevated by the same brand of fluffy pillow that your back leaned against. Rafe had thought of everything it seemed, you made a mental note of that as you watched your ice machine pump cool water onto the top of your knee. 

“How are you feeling back there, pretty girl?” 

He asked, turning down the radio and locking eyes with you in the rearview mirror. You gave him a soft smile, though the gravity of this being your first time in a vehicle since your accident weighed heavy on you. 

“A little overwhelmed.” 

You responded meekly and his eyes softened even more than their usual pouty, puppy-dog-like state, though you didn't even think that was possible prior to this moment. 

“I know, sweetheart. Can you make it three more minutes? We’re about to pull in.” 

He questioned you and you nodded in return, giving him a kind smile. Though he noticed it didn’t meet your eyes. Exactly three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later Rafe opened the door on the passenger side of the backseat. Your legs are met with the crisp autumn air and for the first time you realize that though it’s only been a few weeks since your accident, the world outside of your hospital room seems to be going on without you, without a second thought about you. Rafe can see how nervous you are in the murky waters of your eyes, so he does what he does best — he provides a distraction. That’s what he hopes this day will be. He hopes this day will give you a tiny fraction of the joy you deserve to feel. He’s only seen glimpses up close, but he knows how special you are. He knows you’re too good for him and far too good for this world. 

“Hello beautiful!” 

He greets you emphatically and you smile wide at him. 

“Hi, again.” 

You giggle in response. 

“Sit tight, I'll get you out in just a sec.” 

He says and you nod, watching him through the small window at the rear of the truck as he lifts the wheelchair from the bed of it and returns to your line of sight again. 

“You ready, pretty girl?” 

He asks and you nod, scooting toward him with the small amount of muscle on your right side that’s still able to help you in your movements. 

“You’re doing so good, sweetheart.” 

He coos, coaching you until you’ve slid your bottom to the middle of the bench of the back seat. Your breathing is labored when you’ve reached this point and his eyes soften at the sight. You’re trying so hard and you’re stronger than he could ever be, mentally and emotionally. So, again, he does what he does best – this time, swooping in to aid you. 

“That’s good, you did so good. Let me do the rest, yeah?” 

You nod in response to his question, though you know that it’s not really a question and that when it boils down to it, he would’ve done it anyways. His torso leans in to the inside of the truck and he places one hand under your knees and one around your shoulders. 

“Put your hands around my neck, okay?” 

He commands softly and you give him the reassurance he’s looking for with a nod. Before you know it, you’re airborne, leaning your head onto his shoulder for the brief moment before he places you down into the wheelchair. He kneeled down, adjusting the leg rest so your injured leg could sit comfortably, grabbing the pillow from the car and placing it underneath your injured limb. He stood and you smiled at him. 

“Thank you, Rafe. You’re kinder than I deserve.” 

You muttered, eyes casting down to where your hands rested on your legs. You were surprised as his thumb and forefinger met your chin, pulling your eyes toward his. 

“One of these days, I'll prove to you that you deserve far more than I can give.” 

He says, your chin still between his fingers, his thumb moving up to stroke your plump bottom limp. You look at him doe-eyed, struck with wonder at the fact that he’s saying it to you and not to some other beautiful girl, one more deserving of the kind of love that he has to offer. He’s so pretty, you think. Pretty eyes, pretty smile – pretty boy – your mind spouts out at your gazing. 

“Let’s have a good day, yeah?” 

He asks, bringing you back to earth. Your breath is caught in your throat, so you only manage a nod in response to him. 

“Almost forgot.” 

He said smiling, leaning into the passenger seat of his truck and grabbing a blanket before placing it over your legs and closing the doors of his vehicle. You were thankful. 

— 

The surprise couldn’t have been better, in fact, you’re glad you hadn’t known prior to this moment that Rafe had scored two tickets for a tour at a museum you’d only dreamt of seeing in person; the metropolitan museum of art. You’d meant to go so many times since you moved to New York, but sadly between your busy schedule as a teacher and your inability to time manage, you’d never made it. But, this – now, you’d managed it with a hunky boy at your side. You felt like you were dreaming as Rafe pushed you up the handicapped ramp. You admired the columns at the front of the entrance, its architecture something you’d seen photographs of for so many years, yet now, you realized they were truly larger than life, larger than you’d ever imagined. It made you feel uniquely human to gawk at the stone as it stood and as you smiled to yourself in reverence and awe at this day just as it began, Rafe knew he had done the right thing by bringing you here. You needed this — you needed joy. 

You’d made it through admission quickly, the foyer of the building as beautiful as you had dreamed of. There were people bustling all around you as Rafe pushed you even further and further into the room. Your senses were almost lost underneath the bucket of chaos, but you looked up and for the first time saw the beautiful architecture of the foyer ceiling. It was something that again, you’d seen hundreds of photos of, but the beauty of seeing it in person was truly overwhelming. You were jolted from the thought as Rafe parked your wheelchair near the center of the room where a giant plant played the role of a centerpiece and benches sat just below it. He locked the wheels before kneeling in front of you. 

“How’s your leg feeling, sweetheart? Do you need any medicine before we get started?” 

He questioned, removing the blanket from your left leg to take a look at the swelling himself. 

“The pain isn’t bad, I think the ice helped on the way over.” 

You spoke, giving him a hopeful smile. 

“How about some ibuprofen, then? Just to keep the swelling down.” 

He questioned, his doctor mind working in overdrive even outside of the hospital to ensure your safety. 

“Okay.” 

You agreed, accepting the pills from his hand as he reached into the bag Jenny packed that lay draped across the bars of your chair and pulled out a water bottle for you to swallow it down with. You swallowed them smoothly, watching as Rafe gave your leg one more once over and fluffed the pillow it sat on before covering you with the blanket once again. 

“Good girl. You ready?” 

He asked, his smile meeting his eyes in excitement and you nodded, hoping you’d never forget what he looked like when he did that. When all this was over and you were no longer under his care, you hoped you’d never forget that smile. 

—

Rafe pushed your chair forward into the first exhibit in your path, Van Gogh’s Cypresses, with a map of the museum in his hand. It was quiet between the two of you, uncertainty looming in the air of what the day would bring, if you’d let the other in. You didn’t make much of it, observing your surroundings as you were rolled forward. You’d heard about this exhibit coming to the museum in the form of an email newsletter from the met and you’d thought about coming so many times, but again, time got away from you. You were sure never to let that happen again once you were healed and the initial fear of living dissipated just as you knew it would. Your eyes traced over the painting; the stark contrast of the evergreen trees the exhibit was based around paired with the night sky sent chills down your spine. 

“Do you know what Van Gogh found so remarkable about the cypress trees?” 

You finally questioned him, breaking the silence as he parked your chair in front of a giant painting. Your eyes traced over it; the stark contrast of the evergreen trees the exhibit was based around paired with the night sky sent chills down your spine. 

“Why don’t you tell me?” 

He smirked, locking your wheels and kneeling down beside you, seeing it through your lens. He wanted to see everything through your lens. He looked to you with a pure smile, one you were sure that only he was capable of and you aren’t sure but you felt immense peace. 

“Well, he found the trees beautiful and eternal and ethereal and much like most artists do, he looked to other art. But, noticed that no one had captured them quite the way he saw them. So, he set out on a mission to do it himself.” 

He smiled at your analysis, knowing that your years of reading and teaching must’ve led you to this conclusion. 

“I didn’t know that, thank you for teaching me something new.” 

He replied and as sweet as his words were, you couldn’t help the shrill of embarrassment crawl up your spine, its force so strong, your body seemed to curl into itself where you sat. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

He asked, afraid you were in more pain than you were letting on. For a brief moment, he wondered if this outing was a mistake, if he was hurting you, rather than helping you for his own selfish motives. 

“Nothing, I'm sorry if I sounded like a know-it-all. I have a bad habit of doing that. I’m sure you know lots about Van Gogh, you have a fucking medical degree for crying out loud.” 

You stuttered out quickly and he couldn’t help but smile at how flustered you’d become. 

“Hey — look at me.” 

His voice is soft as he commands your attention and you follow his instructions. 

“I might have a medical degree, but I don't know everything. In fact, there’s a lot I don’t fucking know – like an absurd amount. If it doesn’t have to do with bones or a joint, it’s actually quite foreign to me.” 

He uttered, watching as your eyes moved back and forth over his face, like you were committing it to memory. Little did he know, you were. 

“Listen to me. You and I, we’re both separate people with faults and quirks. We met by the brutality of the universe, right? I want you to forget about all of that. Today, I want you to forget about the accident, forget about our relationship, forget about the hospital. Today, we’re a girl and a guy at a museum. I know the contents of your medical chart, but I want to know what makes you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts, y/n. I want to know you. So, I’m gonna walk away for five minutes and when I come back, we’re going to start over, yeah?” 

His words made a lump form in your throat, its width as big as a beach ball. 

“Yeah.”

You whispered in response. You didn’t hear Rafe walk away but you knew that he had by the quiet amidst you in a room full of chatting people. The next thing that gave him away was the fact that his presence gave you a warmth that you couldn’t describe and in the short stent that he was away from you, you longed for it. You wondered if he’d come back at all. 

“So, do you come here often?” 

Your favorite voice boomed over your shoulder. 

“U-Uh no, it’s actually my first time. You?” 

You replied, a smile hiding behind your plump lips. 

“I come about once a year. Can’t say I’ve ever seen the likes of your beauty here, though.” 

He spoke and you giggled at the cheesy one-liner that he pulled out of his docket. For the first time since he’d returned you met his blue eyes. 

“Are your pick-up lines that bad with everyone or am I getting special treatment?”

You asked him, chuckling. He wore a sly grin at your giggle. It was the first time he’d really seen you laugh and he was sure that he wanted it to keep happening – for forever. 

“You’re getting celebrity treatment. I pulled that one from the deluxe package.” 

You laugh boisterously in unison. 

“So – very cheesy stranger, can I ask who you are?” 

You questioned him. 

“That’s a loaded question, pretty girl. But, here goes nothing. I’m the guy who smiles when it rains, thunderstorms help me sleep. Libraries are my safe haven. I went to college at UNC and moved here with my college sweetheart. My favorite author is John Steinbeck. I’m a doctor, I came from a broken home, my sister is my best friend, I hate anchovies, and I broke my hip in a motorcycle accident when I was fifteen.” 

He replied. 

“You had me at the anchovies. Nice to meet you, very-cute stranger boy. I’m y/n and I feel like I've known you my whole life.” 

The words you uttered were like music to his ears. 

“Tell me, y/n, who are you?” 

He asks and your mouth tips up in a smirk. 

“I'll tell you what, show me around your favorite places here and I'll tell you everything you want to know.” 

You said with a smirk. 

“Negotiator and briber. I love it. You got yourself a deal, beautiful girl.”

He replied, placing a chaste kiss on your forehead, pushing your chair away from the Van Gogh exhibit and into the direction of art that was unknown to you. You were sure that no matter what, you never wanted to forget this moment, this purity, this bliss — no hospital rooms or surgeries or medicine, just you and the man you were falling in love with. Together. 

— 

taglist:

as always, if you'd like to be added to or removed from the taglist, please shoot me an ask or comment on this post so i can keep track <3

@maybankslover @inthelibrarybtw @luvrcndy @silkylovey @yagirlwrites @obxbabygirl @rafeecameronsbitch @klutzy-kay24 @roseczbalt @akobx @allsmilesreally7 @wtfdudesblog @urdreamgirl12 @hockeybabe87 @sereneera @annaconscience @pogueprincesa @bibissparkles @obxbigsis @jjmaybankmylovee

[chishiyaisasnack]

It’s under my skirt, Doctor

Hello everyone! It’s been a while. I finally got this little thing together, and I hope you all like it.

Disclaimer! This is smut. Stay away if you aren’t of agw or if you’re uncomfortable with the topic. Remember to use protection in real life!

Written and posted on mobile, I apologize for any wierd formatting.

Chishiyas life was work. Long hours, sometimes so long that he didn’t leave the hospital before his next shift. The couch in his office had become soft from where he slept, countless days and nights spent there alone. Not that it mattered, not to him. He liked his job. Kind of. There was nothing else he wanted to do anyway, so filling his life with something that kept his brain occupied and evolving was good enough. Once he stopped caring about all the injustice he focused solely on performing surgeries. The heart was an interresting thing, so small, so powerful. One wrong move and a life could end. Sometimes he wondered what that would feel like. He would never play with a life like that, he wasn’t completely insane, but the thought had showed up once or twice.

This particular shift got his mood turning all over the place. Everyone was whiny, rude and just hard to deal with. Twelve hours of pretending to be respectful was hard enough on the good days.

When he got back to his office he sank down into the couch, contemplating buying new cushions soon because they were starting to get uncomfortable. He needed to get his mind cleared out, to stop thinking about work and kids and parents who he wanted to toss in the trashcan.

A vibration went off in his pocket, making his head hurt just thinking about what they would need him for now. He just wanted to rest. So, when he picked it up and saw the notification on his screen he got pleasently suprised.

Y/N: Hey, sorry to disturb your work but I have a medical issue that I wondered if you could take a look at? I can come over in 10 minutes if that works for you.

He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Normal people didn’t use the words ”medical issue” as a synonym for ”I want to fuck” but it worked very well for the two of them. Chishiya had met her at a work gathering and that turned out to be the best stress reliever he could wish for, and he knew that she used him for that exact same reason. Some might say that they were dating, but the only times they really met in person was just for sex and maybe some lunch afterwards. Chishiya did spend occasional nights at her place since she lived closer to the hospital than he did, and getting his dick wet then sleep in a bed instead of his office couch was a nice change.

Ten minutes later the telltale three knocks on his office door woke him up from his thoughts. Trying not to run to the door in excitement, he stood up, took a deep breath and changed into his normal ’I don’t care about anything’-face before opening it. The ’not caring about anything’-face changed as soon as he saw what was on the other end of the doorframe. He was not prepared for her standing there, panties hanging from slender fingers on one of her hands and her head cocked to the side. The skirt she was wearing was short and flowy, almost revealing what was, or rather what wasn’t underneath it.

”Eager are we?” Chishiya welcomed her in a smug voice, trying to hide the mess his head was already in. She winked at him in response.

”You usually don’t have very long so I thought I’d be prepared.” She walked straight to him, put the underwear in the chest pocket of his white doctors coat and kicked the door closed behind her. Chishiya could hear the click from the lock but was more interrested in the cleavage that her ”too tight to be comfortable”-top was showing. He didn’t even try to hide that he liked what he saw. He knew she liked it. A finger under his chin woke him up from his thoughts and when he looked up he was met with sparkling eyes full of excitement when she gazed back into his.

”Hmm.. I like how professional you look in this outfit” she purred as she smoothed her hands up his chest until she reached his neck, hands tangling in the blonde strands in the back until his hair tie fell to the floor, one thumb tracing his ear. ”I’d let you examine me any day.”

Chishiya rolled his eyes at her attempt at flirting, but rather than giving her a comeback he reached in and put his hands on her bare thighs, inching further up while he kissed that lovely space between her neck and shoulder that made her whimper every time.

”So, what did you want me to take a look at?” Chishiya murmered teasingly into her ear. She hummed and moved her hands back down to his shoulders, gripping onto the neck of his coat.

”It’s under my skirt, Doctor.”

In one swift move she grabbed the stethoscope still hanging around his neck and pulled him with her until they both hit the wall behind her, before crashing her lips into his with urgency, and Chishiya returned it with just as much desire as he was given. It was intoxicating, her soft lips, the sweet smell of her perfume, her hands tugging at his hair trying to coax him closer.

His hands went from her thighs to her waist, with just a quick squeeze at her ass first, clenching his fingers in the fabric of her shirt, pulling her even closer so that she could feel that this was affecting him too. His cock was already getting hard, pushing uncomfortably against his pants, but her soft stomach gave great friction whenever she moaned and rubbed herself against him.

Trying to deepen the kiss, she slid her tounge against his lips, making him smile against her whine when he didn’t answer her attempt. He was the one calling the shots and he wanted her to remember that. Instead of giving her what she wanted he pried his lips away from hers and targeted her neck.

The sweet sounds she made whenever his lips caressed her made his head spin. He couldn’t keep his hands still any longer and torturously slow started to inch them up the skin under her top, feeling the way she moved under them, how she was shivering against his touch and how her lungs moved with every heated breath that left her. He knew that undressing her probably wasn’t the best idea in case someone managed to interrupt them, but when he felt her breast under his palms, so soft and squeazable and utterly wonderful to nibble at, his desire to put his face between them took over his rationality. So, after he sucked down on the skin on her shoulder - and grinned at the sour moan she made - he pulled her top off and started his descent down her body. Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard the thump that her head made when she threw it back against the wall but he was far more interrested in the goosebumps that spread under the line he licked down her collarbone. When he finally moved his mouth over her nipple he felt a hand grip his shoulder with a strenght that was sure to leave a mark.

The noises she made went straight to Chishiyas cock. His mind was so clouded by the need to be inside her that he was having trouble keeping his teasing facade in check. Nestling his face in her chest did ground him a bit though, it was the whines that followed it that made him throb in his pants.

”Fuck, Chishiya… lower please” she begged, shivering when he swept his tounge over her other nipple. The gentle squeeze from his other hand earned him another whimper - and a fist in his hair trying to push him further down. He complied with a quiet laugh, loving how aroused she was from just this. Not that he had anything to say about that, he was aching just as bad as she was.

He didn’t bother to take her skirt off, he just held it up with one hand while running the other up her inner thigh, slow and steady so that he could hear her quiet complaints that he took too long.

”Hold it” he commanded, looking at her and then the skirt, nodding towards it to make his point. A shaky hand took a hold of the hem of the skirt and he shifted his focus back to her soft thighs, leading up to her glistening center that he couldn’t wait to be inside. He couldn’t help himself and squeezed the inside of her thigh, thinking about how great it would feel to have them wrapped around him - then laughed at her impatient grunt before giving in and giving her what she asked for.

With one hand he hiked her leg over his shoulder and then he dove in and let his tounge spread her open, loving the wetness he was met with. A cascade of ’yes’-es fell from her mouth as she rolled her hips in time with his tounges movements. A long lick between the folds, flicking over the clit, sucking, kissing, circling… he knew exactly what she liked and he gave it to her. Every time her moans got a little louder he slowed down, dragging out the sensation (and pissing her off just a little just because he could). It was his favourite leisure activity and he could go for hours if he had the time. Unfortunately he didn’t and with a last lick he stopped, her disappointed groan chiming like music in his ears.

He rose to his feet, one hand still lingering on her thigh, the other moving a strand of hair from her face that was so lovely and flushed from desire. There was a hint of irritation from the way her eyebrows scrunched together, but it disappeared when he used the same hand that he just caressed her cheek with to draw a line along her pussy, wet and warm, and so inviting, making her squirm under his touch.

”I want to take my time with you but we’re in a bit of a hurry,” he reminded her. ”Come here.”

Chishiya started walking towards the couch, sat down and patted his lap as an invitation for her to sit.

”I’m tired and have been working all day,” Chishiya playfully told her, watching her eyes roll as she walked towards him, which made him chuckle. He enjoyed how obvious she was with everything and that she didn’t take any of his shit. She was strong and powerful and he wouldn’t have a chance against her wits if she wanted to ruin him. And he didn’t want it any other way.

”You need a new couch” she complained while straddling his lap, knees sinking down too far and throwing off her balance before she put her hands on his shoulder and shuffled her way forward to hover over his length.

”But I really like my couch” he lied, lazily putting his hands on her waist to pretend to help her.

”Sure you do. Take off your pants, or are you too tired to do that to, Doctor?”

For once he hurried, mostly because his dick was aching and he couldn’t wait for it to be inside her. So he moved his pants and boxers out of the way, enough to release his cock. She didn’t waste a second and sank down onto it right away.

Both of them moaned, her from finally being filled and him from finally being hugged by her warm, wet walls. When she started to move, riding him nice and deep, he couldn’t help himself and let his head fall back so he could watch her face as she fucked herself on him.

”Fuck, I’ve been needing this” he groaned as she took him in, Chishiya pushing as far in as he could to savour that warm and tight feeling that her insides gave him. ”You feel so good.”

”Fuck…” was the only answer he got, but it sounded perfect. Breathless and broken, turning into another moan when his cock hit her sweet spot again.

She rode him deep and fast, her wet walls stroking his cock in rhythm with her movements. Desperate to feel more of it, he bucked up into her to bury himself as deep as he could. Her hands was on his shoulders, nails digging deep into his white coat.

Chishiyas hands were everywhere, grabbing her ass hard as she bounced on his lap, sliding up her waist when he went back to rolling her hips, cupping her breasts when he took over and fucked her from below. The bliss on her face drove him on, making him thrust harder and angling his hips so that he hit that spongy spot inside her with every thrust. He could feel her getting close, her insides tightening and clamping down around his cock, stroking the life out of him with it. He wouldn’t last much longer either - he needed her to come so that he could join her. So he slid a hand down to her center, putting two fingers on her clit and started to circle it in time with his thrusts. The loud groan she let out at the sensation made the fire in his stomach grow even more and, fuck, he needed her to orgasm.

”Y/N, come for me,” he hissed and pressed down harder on her clit. ”Fuck, come on my cock.”

And so she did. With a rough moan into his neck he felt her walls clamping down on his cock, so fucking tight, before convulsing around him. Maybe he should have stopped and let her catch her breath but his hips moved at their own will now. He fucked her with desperation, each thrust bringing him closer, until he emptied himself deep inside her. She moaned as he did, rocking her hips to stimulate him more until his cock had stopped twitching.

Chishiyas hands landed on her waist again, this time drawing soft circles on her skin, making her shiver under his touch. Her breath was warm against his neck when she nuzzled her face there. He let her rest on him, he was too satisfied to move anyway. They sat like that until both their breathing had calmed down, and until he had gone soft enough to slip out of - although he didn’t want to. She felt too good. But even he wasn’t able to control his body that much. He had tried.

When she moved it was with shaky legs, tired from overworking them on that dumb couch. He smirked as he helped her up onto her feet, casting a glance on the clock hanging on the wall above his desk. There were still time to have some more fun, and even if his dick was tired, his tounge wasn’t. Standing up next to her he bent in, moved a strand of her hair away from her face, and softly spoke into her ear.

”So, is there anything else you want me to examine?”

[sad-soup-and-chaos]

!!!BRAINROT ALERT!!!

my new brainrot for JJK (Sukuna) mafia AU. (and i am sorry but Yuji is the forever nephew for me making Jin an older brother to Sukuna. well, i am not very sorry.)

art credit: unbelievable @innaillus . your art is always an inspiration.

alert: slightly out of character Sukuna.

ALL CHARACTERS ARE OF LEGAL AGE.

now hear me out.

***

Born with bone deformations on his face of all places Sukuna Itadori a.k.a. the infamous yakuza boss Ryomen Sukuna was never a lucky man. He was an intelligent, skillful, determined and very dedicated man. Started from underground fights and rose to the most dangerous man in Japan.

But that was all the luck he had ever had.

Living through numerous surgeries in his childhood he had never felt genuine affection and was seen as a monster even by his mother.. His girlfriends? He threatened or bribed them all into dating him so eventually he stopped even caring about having a gf and switched to hookers and escorts.

The only positive relationships he had ever had were with his childhood friend Toji Fushiguro (now his right hand man), his older brother Jin Itadori and his family and his closest men (insert your own JJK favs).

But being on top without any real purpose in life led to his many addictions and his eventual downfall. And what a downfall it was. His empire was levelled down. He was put in jail and stripped of every damned yen he had.

How Toji was able to save Sukuna's pathetic wasted ass from rotting in prison remained a secret to this day. But Sukuna was freed after four long years. The Itadori family disowned him completely, he had to stay with his brother Jin and his new family (Yuji was a very sweet bundle of joy back then). They were even able to put Sukuna into rehab, so at least his physical body was somewhat intact from all of this.

But he was too broken inside to find it in him to start over. So when one of the old yakuza bosses who knew Sukuna personally and admired his talent and determination proposed to take his sister in marriage, Sukuna held onto this wicked idea for his dear life. What if that boss' sister was a widdowed hag some twenty years older than Sukuna? He hadn't had a normal relationship with a woman since never. But he would have the money, the power, the influence. He would restore his empire. Win win.

He discussed the plan with his men. They had been stalling in boredom for a few years already, all of them had side businesses to keep the money flow so they quickly (and almost excitedly) agreed to join back in. After all, it wasn't their ass on fire anyways. Only Toji frowned. But nonetheless agreed to the plan.

All the papers, marriage contracts and whatnot were quickly settled. Ball gowns, jewelry, suits to fit the horrible flashy bride's taste were bought by the old boss who had proposed the whole ordeal. And the wedding day finally came.

And it was then and there that Sukuna truly realised how utterly unlucky he was in his life. Because he finally met you. His future step-daughter. A not-so-innocent (born and raised in a yakuza family after all), clever, sharp-tongued, knowing her way around weapons doll. Mere six years younger than Sukuna himself. And such a damned beauty.

It was a love at first sight (during his own accursed wedding at this) for Sukuna. But the man had a mirror, he knew how he looked, he knew no sane woman would want him, so he was slow-burning for years. Thank gods, at least his old hag horrible bitch wife had her own flock of young lovers and never cared even to step in their shared apartment or even come any near Sukuna.

So..

Sukuna found himself living with you in an ultra luxurious penthouse his un-beloved wife designed and created. You quickly became his doll and princess. He exercised his endless restraint and never showed the slightest intimate interest which he felt towards you. Though he did personally gut every single one of your boyfriends who were simply unworthy of his doll, as he put it most innocently.

Sukuna and you shared tastes and (to his total horror) an absolute distaste for his wife (your mother). You were the only one who ever (except for his brother and his men) knew of his favourite food, his favourite sake brand and.. the only one who !!!took care of his scars!!!. The only person to know when and what to apply to his skin, to scold him if he forgot (since the skin would dry out and start bleeding) and eventually became his personal ointment applier.

He did feign profound irritation when your tender fingers touched the distorted skin on his face so so so attentively, gently and slowly. He did bite back his moans and groans. And it took all that he got not to grow hard during the daily procedures.

Toji and his men could see him slow-burn. They scolded him, trying to talk him into divorcing the hag and propose to you. They even had a business plan for when it finally happened.

But the man was utterly oblivious and certain that no woman would want him.

Not that you weren't basically doing everything (except for the intimate part) of what a girlfriend or a wife would be doing for him.

***

[bomber-grl]

Dating headcanons!! (Ftm reader edition)

Pairing(s): Characters x FtM!Reader

Characters(s): Will Solace, Leo Valdez, Nico Di Angelo

Asked for either or, you shall get all

Will Solace

Will solace the man that you are

Honestly is the best person to talk to about your identity and everything

Most likely to buy you an endearingly cringey cake when you come out to him (if you haven’t already)

Alongside the horrendous trans merch he can get his hands on

That you still choose to wear despite being “disgusted”

Anyways

Will is always ready to have those heartfelt and serious talks when you need them most

He’s definitely the most validating person in the room

Like seriously I cannot stress this enough

He’s always taking you to spaces where you’d feel safe and if he can’t find any- he’d make them

Other words for saying he’d be more than happy to be your safe space

Your progress or journey with your identity is one that Will is more than happy to experience with you

Even if you end up lashing out or getting frustrated- he’d be there to ground you and help calm you down

ESPECIALLY then

Even little moments of offense or hurt from others can be taken by Will and made into references to weird inside jokes

- ones that you have to keep telling him to stop making and then he continues for the pure joy of seeing you shake your head knowingly

Also if you’re on t (injection) then he’d be more than happy to help you out

Saying that as someone who’s ok around needles, but if I had to give myself a shot

Rip

Just ask your sunshine medic-at-16 bf to help you out

Because of course everyone has one of those

Also would and has scolded you if you keep your binder on for more time than you’re supposed to

You’re already running on thin ice with all the physical action demigods go through per day

I can only imagine

Yknow maybe it could serve as a sign to go schedule that top surgery appointment /hj

Hj Cuz of the state of the real world

Anyway

Leo Valdez

Honestly did not know you were trans at all when you first met (if you’ve already transitioned or not- he’s a block head)

Neither did he ever consider you as romantic partner for the very reason that you’re a guy

(Just only ever considered girls)

And yet here we are

Dating Leo is honestly just the average experience of any person

Chaotic, fun, and also dealing with the crippling traumas demigod life has offered you and refused to acknowledge when you did not want it

Which I guess could include you being trans depending on your experience

Whether you pass or not is something else and regardless you’ve faced discrimination or at least some sort of fear when revealing at one point or another to others

Which you luckily don’t encounter all that much at camp

(Considering the zest fest camp half blood is)

Let say you’re just transitioning and decide to tell Leo

He’s immediately talking about having your back and willing to listen to your new pronouns and new name (if you’d like one)

He’d be a bit awkward but not because of what’s going on rather because he uses humor all the time and refuses to make a joke out of this one serious thing

Also ☝️

He’d be the best person on this list about making you feel seen bro I’m not even exaggerating

(Idk the others seem pretty good too)

Leo and being invisible or last choice go hand in hand so the last thing he’d ever want you or anyone he loves feel- is feel unimportant

He’d want to validate your identity and make sure you’re comfortable enough to be your truest self around him

Which is honestly better than anything he could ask for

Conflicting feeling and situations are bound to arise

Whether about yourself, others or just anything really

Just talk to Leo because if not he’ll literally explode

And why wouldn’t you?

Even if he’s using humor and convos are a bit awkward- it doesn’t make him incapable of having any serious ones

So pull up a chair and talk to him when you’re having a rough day surrounding your identity

The worst thing that can happen is nothing

Because he’ll always support you and also talk about how he’s felt shitty before to atleast make you smile

That’s one continuous long term goal of his he’ll never reach

Also if you’re on t (injection) - never expect this gremlin to help out or so help us all

Nico Di Angelo

Cool. He loves you and so you’re his boyfriend now.

That’s all there is to it

I sort of see him as the type to try to not make a big deal out of your identity and stuff

Partially so you don’t feel like he’s walking on egg shells (he knows the feeling)

But also because he’s unsure of if that’s him crossing boundaries (again, because of his personal experience/ preference)

You got a new name? New pronouns? He’ll happily call you them

Again, he isn’t the type to be overly dramatic or loud with his support but he’d show it in more subtle ways

His understanding of identity and validation makes him sensitive to what you need more often than not

So even though he won’t always have the words to convey how he feels, he’s always there to listen

Also, his reassurance is always so heartfelt

Random but something to add since Nico is obviously sarcastic and can be misleading to some

Anyway

We all know Nicos trait of being over protective to those he loves so naturally it extends to you by default

If anyone would even misgender or deadname you in front of him- regardless of if it were on accident- he’d correct them without fail

Not that he makes a scene at all

His presence is already scary enough

(The books alone are proof

+ Though only done if you feel comfortable with it)

Many people experience different things but I feel like acceptance is one many people have gone through and tried to achieve at one point or another

Nico was a conservative Italian raised catholic (who is gay) from the 1930s

If someone knows about the trial of self acceptance

it’s him

So even if it’s not exactly the same- he understands the conflict that goes on and is always there to hear you out

Also you can’t tell me that he’s gotten wack ass pride/gay merch as a way of being supported by other campers when he came out

Mostly annoying ones but I digress

So as a rite of passage he’d gift you some cringe trans merch in hope of making you laugh

Something to add is that if this is more fresh Nico

Ig you could say

Then he’d be really guarded like to the max

So even though present him would be as stated as above- younger Nico would definitely be way harsher to those who offended you

I don’t make the rules