#THIS IS NOT WHAT AN OLDER SIBLING SHOULD BE LIKE

[ripdragonbeans]

Love In The Darkest of Places // Modern!Aemond x Reader

Summary: You and Aemond have been best friends from the moment you met. Growing up, there were many ups and downs but one thing was always constant: Aemond was always there.

Warnings: loss of a body part, gore, blood, profanity.

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2

One thing that has always drawn you to Aemond, even when you two were in elementary school, was his brain. In the afternoons you would work on homework together and on the weekends you would play. School was very important to both of you, even at such a young age.

“That's not the answer!” You cried when you double checked your work. “Math is hard.”

Aemond laughed at you. “Math isn't hard, you just need to think.”

“Says you. You're like a genius!”

You stared at your paper. “Do I have to do this?”

“It's homework!”

“Ugh, fine.”

For a few minutes you worked in silence. It was so until Aegon, Aemond’s older brother by two years, came bounding down the stairs with their sister, Helaena, in tow.

“Give me back my butterfly!” She yelled at her older brother.

Aegon turned around and danced the stuffed butterfly in her face. “Whatcha’ gonna do about it?”

Helaena was near tears. “Please, Aegon!”

Huffing in frustration you turned to the one holding the butterfly hostage. “Give Helaena back her butterfly.”

“You're interrupting our homework time,” Aemond added.

“And Helaena needs her butterfly back, too,” you reminded him. 

“Quit being a bully and give it back.”

“Ugh, you're a bore,” Aegon drawled. He threw the butterfly at Helaena. “Here you go,” he mumbled.

Helaena held her butterfly tight to her chest. “Can I stay with you?” She asked you and Aemond.

You smiled brightly. “Yeah! We're working on homework right now so you can bring yours.”

Helaena bounded up the stairs to get her homework and was quick to come back. 

“Let's take a look at your homework,” said Aemond. He looked it over and hummed. “I don't think I can help you because I don't know how to do that math yet but you can still work with us.”

“Yay!” Helaena plopped down on a chair and held her butterfly in her lap as she worked on her homework.

You snuck a glance at Aemond. He worked hard on his school work. Always wanting to be the best, always wanting to be the smartest. Even as a child he had that drive. Back then you didn't know it, but you had fallen for Aemond Targaryen.

Two years later, you, Aemond, Helaena, and surprisingly Aegon, were as close as could be. You spent every weekend with them. Even if one of them was sick, it wasn't enough to keep you away.

“Sweetie, you're running a high fever,” Alicent, the siblings’ mother, told you. “You should go home.”

“But I want to be with my friends. And I don't want to see my mother,” you mumbled the last part.

Alicent nodded her head. She knew full well what you meant. Having her own history with your mother, Rhaeneyra, she didn't blame you for wanting to stay away. Rhaenyra and her husband Daemon, your step father, didn't care much for you. They cared for your brothers, Jace and Luke, but couldn't be bothered to look your way. Even then, Jace and Luke didn't get the full affection a child should have from their mother. They simply got more than you.

“My mother has a video conference today and I don't want to be there.” You crossed your arms to hug yourself.

Alicent sighed and ran a hand over your hair. “What about Jace and Luke, sweetie?”

“They're out with the dogs and Daemon. Something about training them to be the best.”

“And you didn't want to go with them?”

“No,” you pouted. “I'd rather be here with my friends.”

Footsteps came running down the stairs.

“Is she coming out to play?” Aegon asked his mother.

“I don't think so, she has a fever,” Alicent told him.

Helaena appeared behind Aegon. “Is she going back home?”

You shook your head before Alicent could answer for her.

“She is going to stay here but she's not going to play, okay?” She told her children.

They sighed. “Yes, mother.” And off they went back upstairs.

Alicent took a blanket from the couch next to you and draped it over you. “You know you are more than welcome to stay here at any time, sweetie. Just take it easy and rest.”

Closing your eyes, you settled into the loveseat and soon drifted away to sleep.

You awoke to a soft voice. “Hey? You awake?”

Mumbling something incoherent, you buried yourself deeper in the blankets. You were hot and cold at the same time and you hated it.

“I have soup.”

You pulled your head out of the blanket and slowly opened your eyes. Aemond was kneeling next to the loveseat with a bowl of broth.

“Soup is good to have when you're sick. I always have some when I'm sick so I thought you'd want some, too.”

Your stomach rumbled at the mention of food. As you pulled the blanket further down to your lap, you gratefully accepted the soup Aemond offered.

He was silent as you slowly slurped it down.

You looked at Aemond and found him smiling at you.

“What is it?” You asked when you finished your soup.

A bit of color dusted his cheeks. “Nothing.”

You handed him your empty bowl. “Thank you, Aemond. I feel better already.” 

Throwing off the blanket, you were ready to hop into action but Aemond stopped you.

“You're still sick!” 

“But I feel better,” you countered.

“You only feel better because you had soup. You still need to rest.”

You plopped back down on the loveseat and grabbed the blanket. “Fine.”

A comfortable silence fell between you two. You cuddled into a pillow next to you and played with the blanket.

Aemond broke the silence. “Can I stay with you?” 

You yawned. “Yeah.”

A few minutes passed.

“You can be on the chair if you want,” you told him.

Instead of answering, Aemond climbed onto the loveseat next to you and seated himself between you and the armrest. He sat with his back to you but enjoyed the company nonetheless. With your backs pressed together you were calm and happy. Happier than you've been in months.

Alicent was startled to see you and Aemond both asleep on the loveseat but wasn't surprised. She knew her son harbored feelings for you, even if they were buried. She hoped one day she would see the two of you happy. Childhood was not easy for either of you even though she did her best to make it easy. Carefully, she walked to the two of you and gently woke you up.

“Sweetie? I'm sorry, it's time to go home. I'll drop you off,” Alicent whispered to you.

“Can Aemond come?” 

“Of course he can.” She gave you a small smile.

You roused him from his sleep. “I need to go home, Aemond.”

“No,” he mumbled.

Alicent sighed before reasoning with him. “Aemond, it's late and I'm sure her mother is looking for her. You can come with me to drop her off.”

He mumbled something you couldn't hear but got up nevertheless. As he did, he made sure not to hit you and helped you out of the loveseat as well.

As you stretched, a large groan came out of your mouth. There was still sleep in your eyes and you really didn’t want to go back home. You looked at Aemond and caught his eye. He offered a small smile that you gladly returned. Even though you were sick, Aemond made you feel better just by being there. When you were both asleep it took everything in your power not to cuddle up to him. His warmth was pulling at you but you didn’t want to get him sick, too.

Alicent nudged you and Aemond to the car but you were both slow. You still weren't feeling the best and Aemond just seemed groggy.

The car ride to your house was silent. Both Alicent and Aemond knew you didn't enjoy going home; it was like a prison to you.

But they couldn't keep you forever. 

One day you’d break out of that prison.

By the time you were thirteen you had grown closer to Aemond, Helaena, and Aegon. It wasn’t unusual for you to spend weekends at their house or for you to go there after school. Their home was a second home for you and Alicent was basically your surrogate mother. 

One day, your mother wanted to visit Alicent. She was insistent that this had to be done today.  Alicent, being too kind to decline anything, allowed her, you, and your brothers to spend the day with them. When you saw Aemond, you immediately went to him and left your brothers behind. You heard them huff about how lame of a sister you were but you pretended like you didn’t hear them at all. 

“We’re just about to have breakfast, if you’d like to join us,” offered Alicent after a few minutes of awkward silence.

“That would be lovely,” your mother said as she gave her a sickly sweet smile. 

There was something off about her but you couldn’t quite put a finger on it.

All of you, children included, sat around the table in a tense silence. The only sounds were the occasional slurp, chew, or the ring of utensils hitting a plate or bowl.

“Alicent,” your mother started. “I came here to talk to you. I think we need to put our past behind us.”

You tilted your head in confusion.

Alicent leaned forward and whispered, “This isn’t the time and place to be talking about it.”

“There is no time and place so I decided to make one. Let’s bury the hatchet; be friends again. You know I never meant to hurt you.”

“You never meant to hurt me?” Alicent laughed coldly. “And what hatchet? You mean the one where you left -” She suddenly stopped. Closing her eyes, she bowed her head and cleared her throat. “How about you children go play in the backyard. Go jump on the trampoline or play knights and princesses.”

“Yes, mother,” Aemond replied. He quickly grabbed your hand and dragged you outside.

The other children left at various speeds. Helaena and Aegon neadered out towards the back while Jace and Luke wanted to stay with your mother. The two boys were concerned about her. They always were and always would be. Eventually, your mother was able to shoo your brothers away. It was only then that they made it outside with the rest of you.

It was tense at first. You all just stood there and stared at each other. You wish you could say you were close with your brothers to help ease the moment but that would be a lie. You were as distant from them as much as a sister could be. Sure, you lived with them, but they never really included you in anything. Whenever they did anything with your step father, he would only bring the boys and not you.

“So…” you let the word die. “What do you want to do? I like jumping on the trampoline when I’m here.”

“Of course you have a favorite thing to do here. You’re not at home a lot,” Jace said.

You balled up your fists at your side. “At least here I have people I can talk to.”

“Luke and I aren’t enough?”

“You never let me play with you! I’m always by myself, so yes, I come here a lot.”

“We would let you play with us if you weren’t so weird!”

“I’m not weird, I’m your sister. If I’m weird then you’re weird, too.”

Jace looked like he was about to bust, his face all red.

Aegon stepped between you two before anyone could say anything bad. “Let’s deal with this the best way. Stick fight.”

“Stick fight?” Luke piped up.

“Yeah.” Aegon grinned. “A stick fight. Find a stick on the ground to use as your sword and we’ll fight for the hand of this girl.”

“Ew, for my hand?” You made a disgusted face.

“For your honor, whatever,” Aegon corrected himself. “Now, who shall fight whom?”

You grabbed Helaena’s hand. “Helaena and I are staying out of this one.”

“Boo, okay,” Aegon frowned. “That leaves me and Aemond versus Jace and Luke!”

Luke stepped forward, his chest puffed out in an attempt to look intimidating. “I’ll take on Aegon.”

Aegon nearly burst out laughing. “Okay, little guy,  I’ll fight you. That means Aemond fights Jace.”

Jace’s stare burned into Aemond’s. You knew this was dangerous, letting the boys fight, but apparently it was the only way either pair could find peace when it came to you. Aemond and Aegon wanted to fight for your honor and Jace and Luke wanted to show you that your friends were weak. 

“You get five minutes to find your stick sword!” Helaena announced. “Ready…and…go!”

The boys sprinted off in different directions hoping to find the biggest, baddest stick sword in the backyard. That in itself was massive so finding a stick would be no big deal for them. Finding a good one is a different story, however.

Looping your arm around Helaena’s, you strolled around watching the boys dart back and forth. It was entertaining to watch them run around like this. You found yourself specifically following Aemond. Blushing at the mere thought of him, you turned away.

“What has you all red?” Helaena asked.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” You tried to wave it off.

Helaena looked to where your focus once was. “Ah.”

“Stop it, Helaena, he might see!” You tried to get her to look back at you.

A small smile played across her lips. “You have a crush on Aemond.”

You buried your face in your hands. “Oh, my goodness.”

Helaena squealed, “Oh, I knew it! You two are always so close and always together and -”

You grabbed Helaena by the shoulders. “You can’t tell him, okay? Pinky swear?”

Her shoulders dropped when she saw the seriousness on your face. “Fine. I pinky swear.” 

Holding one pinky up in the air, Healena intertwined hers and made the promise. “Do you promise to not tell Aemond Targaryen that I have a crush on him?” you began.

“I swear that I will not tell my brother you have a crush on him,” Helaena promised.

Once you let go you breathed a sigh of relief but still kept an eye on Helaena. She wasn't malicious or anything, but the happiness of her younger brother has always been a priority for her. The possibility of you being someone he could be happy with had her vibrating with excitement.

Together, the two of you continued to watch the boys dart about to find their sticks. You couldn't help but follow Aemond. His hair was getting closer to his shoulders and it bounced behind him as he ran around. At one point, Aemond and Aegon met up in the middle to talk about which stick would be better but Jace and Luke yelled at them for planning, so they dispersed. When you saw Jace and Luke do the same thing, you were tempted to call them out but held back. Leaning against Helaena, you let out a pleasant sigh as the boys wrapped up their five minutes.

Jace and Luke stood facing Aegon and Aemond. Both sides looked at the other with such hatred they were practically smoking. It was no secret that Aegon and Aemond didn’t like Jace and Luke. Aegon and Aemond didn’t like how your brothers, how your whole family, treated you. You were constantly discarded in favor of the two sons and it wore you out. You did your best to hide it but the Targaryen siblings knew better. Jace and Luke didn’t like how close you were with the Targaryens siblings. Sure, they were related in some weird way but being related doesn’t mean that the relationship was automatically good or healthy. You were a prime example of that.

Aegon took a step towards the other two boys. “Ready to lose, losers?”

“As if!” piped up Luke. “I’m gonna beat you so bad!”

Aegon rolled his eyes. “Sure, little guy.” He looked back at his brother then at the other two. “Are we ready to start?”

Jace crouched down in a fighting position. “We were born ready. Both fights at the same time?”

“Yeah.” Aegon nodded his head. “You and Aemond will fight over there,” he pointed towards the trampoline. “And me and Luke will fight by that big tree.” He turned towards you and Helaena. “Will you two referee the fights?”

“And how do we do that?” you asked him.

“All you have to do is stand there and make sure no one goes for the face or,” he gestured to his crotch. “And whoever is on the ground for three seconds loses.”

You looked at Helaena. “I think we can do that.”

She nodded her head. “I’ll watch over Aemond and Jace.” She brought her voice down to a whisper, “Aemond would distract you too much.”

You bumped her with your shoulder. “Oh, whatever.” But the blush was already forming on your cheeks.

“Okay,” Aegon clapped his hands. “Let’s these stick fights going.”

You followed Aegon and Luke to the big oak tree. Both boys were buzzing with excitement, both ready to hit each other. There was a lot of pent up aggression apparently. When you got to the tree each boy stood facing each other about. They held their sticks up like swords and crossed them in the middle. There was a distinct height difference but you knew Luke wouldn’t let that get in the way.

“On the count of three start fighting,” you instructed them. 

Both Aegon and Luke gave you an affirmative nod. 

“One…Two…Three…FIGHT!”

Aegon and Luke reeled back their sticks only to meet each other in the center once again. They pushed in on each other, forcing the other to back off and lose their balance, but they each held their own. 

“Remember, the one who ends up on the ground for three seconds loses!” you reminded them.

Aegon took one hand off his stick to push Luke backwards. They weren’t locked in a standing battle anymore. Aegon smiled a wicked smile as he took a few steps back to gauge what he would do next. Luke breathed hard, taking the push back a little harder than you anticipated. He was frowning but determination was written all over his face. 

“Aw, was that push a little too hard?” Aegon taunted him. He played with his stick, swinging it around.

“I’m. Going. To. Kill. You.” Luke breathed out.

Laughing, Aegon ran at Luke with his stick brandished and ready to hit. He swung hard and hit Luke in the arm. He pulled back and hit him again on the opposite arm.

Luke flinched whenever he was hit but he still refused to back down. Aegon’s constant attacking caused him to take many steps back, he was almost flush against the oak tree. But when Aegon took a big swing, Luke ducked low and went for Aegon’s legs. He swept him off his feet and then got on top of him to keep him from getting up.

“How’s that for being little?” Luke bragged.

Aegon roared and flipped them over so Luke was the one pressed on the ground. 

Luke screamed. “Ahhhh!”

Their sticks forgotten, Luke and Aegon wrestled on the ground. They kept flipping each other over so neither was down for three seconds. After tussling on the ground for a minute or so, Aegon was able to stand up. Luke followed right behind him. He took a few steps back then ran straight at Aegon, tackling him. Luke was so small, though, that his tackle did nothing but force Aegon to take a few steps back. 

Aegon cackled. “This all you got?” He pushed Luke off of him then tackled him to the ground.

This time, Luke was pinned down. He flailed but couldn’t get any hit on Aegon. Aegon soon had all his limbs trapped on the grass. 

“Call it!” Aegon yelled at you.

“One! Two! Three! Luke, you’re out!” you announced.

Aegon got off of Luke and offered him a hand. Luke merely glared at him and got up himself. Grass stains littered both of the boys’ clothes, something neither mother would be happy about. Luke grumbled something about cheating and walked off to the other stick fight by the trampoline. Aegon fell in time with you as you also made your way in that direction.

From what you could see, Aemond and Jace were in a heated battle. They hadn’t lost their sticks, unlike Aegon and Luke. It was as though you were watching a true sword fight. They lunged and parried like they’ve been training for this their entire lives. 

“She’s gonna leave you behind, one day. She’ll figure out how boring you are!” Jace yelled at Aemond.

“She’s always liked us better than you. You might be her brother but you treat her like crap!” Aemond shot back.

You were confused. They were fighting about you?

Jace let out a primal scream as he ran at Aemond, ready to thrust the stick into him. Aemond blocked it and was able to disarm Jace. 

“No!” cried Luke.

Jace, empty handed, stepped backwards away from Aemond. Aemond took his time, stepping slowly. Head slightly bent, he looked at Jace through his eyelashes. He had a sinister look on his face. 

“She’s always deserved better. We’re better than you and Luke will ever be to her. You will regret all the times you’ve made her feel like less than nothing.” Dropping his stick, Aemond charged at Jace and tackled him to the ground.

Helaena started her count down. “One! Two!”

There was a blur, some scuffling, and the next thing you knew, Aemond was screaming with a giant cut up through the side of his face and over his eye.

You and Helaena shrieked at the sight of blood running down Aemond’s face. Immediately, you ran to him. Your eyes went to Jace but he was still on the ground breathing hard. What you saw next to him, however, shook you. Luke was kneeling next to his brother with a bloodied stick. Blood lightly splattered his clothes as well.

“LUKE!” Aegon roared. “What the fuck did you do to my brother?” He picked up Luke by his collar and threw him to the ground.

“Hey! Don’t hurt my little brother!” Jace got up in Aegon’s face. 

He reeled back a fist and was ready to throw it but you grabbed his fist. 

“Stop it, both of you! We need to get Aemond inside,” you pleaded.

“He got what was coming to him,” muttered Jace.

Ignoring the bickering boys, you gathered Aemond in your arms. He was a little heavy for you but you were able to carry him. “Keep your hand on your eye,” you told him. There wasn’t anything for you to use to staunch the bleeding. “Helaena, go get your mother.”

Helaena simply gave you a small nod before racing off to find her mother. Aegon was still yelling at Jace and Luke but was holding himself back. You could tell that much just from hearing them argue. When Aemond groaned you did your best to pick up the pace and get to the house.

“I wanted to make him pay,” he said weakly.

“Shh. It’s okay,” you assured him.

A scream pierced through the air. Looking up, you saw Alicent rushing towards you. 

“Give me my boy, I need to get him to the emergency room.” Alicent looked at you children. “What happened?” She asked as she took Aemond from your arms.

“They were playing stick fights,” Helaena said quietly.

Alicent glared at the boys. “You will have to do a lot of explaining. Now, quickly, to the car.”

You and Helaena ran to the car while Jace and Luke stayed behind. Their mother slowly walked out of the house. She saw Alicent holding Aemond and concern flashed across her face but was soon replaced by indifference.

“Boys, it’s time to go home. I can see that we are not needed here anymore,” she called to them.

While you didn’t want to go with your family, you asked anyway, “What about me?”

“Don’t you want to stay with your other family?” your mother spat at you. “Come home whenever you’re done here.”

Tears threatened to spill from your eyes but you blinked them back. You could deal with your family later. What mattered first was Aemond.

When you got to the car, Alicent already had it running. Aemond was slouched in the passenger side seat in the front. You, Helaena, and Aegon squeezed in the back, all three of you worried for Aemond. Looking ahead, you could barely see Aemond. Every now and then he would groan but that was it. Alicent would look at him then back at the road. Normally, she was a very safe driver, and she still was as she drove to the emergency room, but she went fast this time.

Arriving at the emergency room, Alicent quickly parked then scooped Aemond out the passenger seat and ran to the entrance. She went straight to the front desk. You and the siblings scrambled out of the car behind her.

“Please, my son, I think he was stabbed in the eye,” she pleaded with the front desk lady.

The lady took a look at Aemond. “Remove your hand for a second, sweetie,” she said softly.

You gently took Aemond’s wrist and pried it off of his eye. Seeing all the blood, you gasped. There was so much of it. It didn’t seem like the flow stopped, only slowed down.

“Yes, we’ll take him in immediately,” the lady said. “Nurses! We need a stretcher over here now! Child with massive head injury!”

Nurses quickly surrounded Alicent and Aemond. They took him from her arms and placed him gently on the stretcher. Without his hand covering his face, you could see the jagged scar on Aemond. Your heart tightened at the sight of it. Aemond being hurt was the last thing you wanted. He got hurt defending you and that was something you’d have to carry for the rest of your life. You watched as they wheeled him away to the back. There was silence.

“It’ll probably be a long wait,” the front desk lady told Alicent. “You’re more than welcome to stay and wait for him but be prepared.”

“Yes, thank you,” Alicent replied. “Come along, children.” 

She ushered you and Helaena and Aegon further into the waiting room. Luckily, there was an open semi comfortable couch for you all to sit on. You and Alicent sat in the middle. Helaena sat next to her mother and Aegon plopped down next to you. In the rush to get Aemond to the emergency room, no one brought anything to pass the time. Instead you all sat there quietly for a few minutes before Alicent broke the silence.

“I need you to tell me what happened, exactly what happened,” she requested.

“Like Heleaena said, they were playing stick fights,” you started off. “When we first got outside my brothers were being mean to me and Aemond and Helaena and Aegon. That made us all upset so Aegon came up with the idea to do stick fights. Helaena and I didn’t do any fighting; it was just the boys.”

“I don’t like how her brothers talk about her. They act like she’s not even their sister,” Aegon murmured. 

Helaena picked up the story. “It was Aegon against Luke and Aemond against Jace. Everything was relatively okay, I think. No one got too badly hurt until everyone joined to watch Aemond and Jace fight.”

“I heard Jace,” you added in. “He was telling Aemond how I’d leave you all, how I’d forget you and never come back.” Tears gathered in the corner of your eyes for the second time that evening. “I would never leave all of you.”

“I know you wouldn't.” Alicent brushed back a stray hair. 

“Aemond gained the upper hand. He was gonna win. He got Jace’s stick out of his hand and he was gonna tackle him to win it. But then out of nowhere, Like came in with a pointy stick and slashed Aemond's face.”

Aegon huffed. “He didn’t want to see his brother lose like him.”

Helaena shushed her brother.

“And now we're here,” you concluded. “I know my mom saw Aemond and the blood on Luke. She didn't seem concerned at all.”

“No, she did not,” agreed Alicent.

“I’m sorry my mother treats you like she treats me sometimes.”

“You don't need to apologize for her, sweetie. She is a grown woman and should know how to act better.”

A calm silence fell upon all of you once again. All of you were worried but knew there was nothing to be done except to wait.

[selarina]

aemond targaryen x reader

content warnings: modern au, fluff, pet lizard, making out, best friend's brother

The first time you meet Helaena, it was on a warm summer evening at the local neighbourhood park. And everything shined yellow.

She was there at a spot closest to the entrance, crouched down, gracefully like a princess picking on the mud before her, intently. You wonder if she’s collecting cool looking stones. You hovered a few paces away, the sweat from your walk sticking your cotton shirt to your skin.

You had promised your mother you'd make at least two friends, and Halaena seemed a likely candidate—if you could just figure out how to make her notice you.

You had arrived there with a purpose. You were to make friends. You had promised your mother, you would at least make two.

So even though your heart was beating right out of your rib cage, you steeled yourself, fist clenched as you walked up to the squatted blonde girl.

When you approached her, she had seemed nice enough. A bit dazed out, like she had just woken up from a dream. You had many dreams back then, they were so eventful and wondrous, you had started to prefer them to your own life.

“Hi,” you spoke up, your voice louder than you expected.

“Hi,” she replied, not bothering to look up at you. Your mother had told you that was not good manners.

You frowned. "Do you go to Dragonstone Academy?" you asked, trying to sound casual.

No response.

"I’m starting next week," you added.

No response.

“I know we’re already half way through the year, so that might be hard but think I’ll manage.”

No response again.

This time you consider shaking the girl, wondering if she needs help. If she’s okay.

You thought for a second about shaking her awake, to check if she was okay, or sleeping sitting up, but before you could, you heard footsteps,.

A boy appeared, older, with the same blond hair as hers. You assumed they were siblings.

He looks at you for a mere second before turning his eyes back to his sister.

“Mother wants us home by 5. We should go,” he says. His voice sounded a bit like he had a cough. But most boys your age sounded like that these days. Maybe there was a viral disease of some sort going around.

Anyway, for the first time since you saw her, she looked up, her eyes shifting like clouds clearing

"Alright," she murmured, her voice syrupy, like that one singer your mother loves listening to every morning.

She stood, gathering something in a small cloth bundle at her side, and then her eyes met yours. “You should come,” she said, smiling softly. “Mother will like you."

The boy blinked, like he'd just now noticed you existed. "Who is she?" he asked.

Halaena’s hand slipped into yours, so gentle you almost didn’t notice. "She's a friend," Halaena said, like it was a fact.

"I’m… your friend?" you asked, confused. You had barely managed to speak to her, and yet here you were, your hand in hers as though she had known for ages.

"Of course," she said simply, as if the question itself didn’t make sense, her fingers tightening gently around yours. And that was that.

For the whole journey to her house, she had held your hand in her soft grip as she stared at the trees, once again, not speaking a single word on the way back. You remember it had been painful and awkward.

The boy, on the other hand, was the same in a way. He said nothing and once you lot reached, he ran up to his room, something about studying his languages. You’re not sure what language. You later found out it had been French.

“Mother,” she spoke up as she approached a tall lady with fluffy red hair in the living room of their big house. You hadn’t seen many red haired women before, plenty of men though.

“What is it sweetie?”

“I brought a friend,” your new friend said.

Her mother who was previously engaged into looking at a paper, swivels her head up to look at her and then you.

Her dark brown eyes peer into you, as though she’s just as surprised as you are about this new development.

You want to tell her that you’re confused and scared because she's an adult and she could help, right? But instead you smile, polite as ever, and speak up. “Hi, I’m new. I just moved by the street about a week ago, and will be joining Dragonstone Academy soon.”

“Oh, good good. You’ll be in the same class then?”

"I’m… not sure," you admitted, glancing at Helaena, hoping for some confirmation, but she just stared at the floor, lost in thought again.

"How old are you, sweet one?" her mother asked.

“Thirteen," you said. "In nine months.”

"You’re twelve. Same as Helaena" her mother mused, her smile softening. "Maybe you'll be in the same section."

You nodded again, unsure of what else to say. There was something about the whole situation that made you feel like you were in a dream, the kind where everything looks just a little off. Like Alice in Wonderland, except there were no smiling cats or tall mushrooms.

"Mother," Helaena spoke up, her voice picking up a small note of excitement. "I have a surprise for you."

You watched her draw closer to the sofa where her mother was seated.

“What is it sweetie?” she asked, her hand patting her child’s hair down.

“My friends,” she confesses, sounding happier than you’ve heard all day.

Your brows cinch in confusion as you step closer then, curiosity getting the best of you.

She then gently places the bunched up cloth onto her mother’s lap, causing you to gasp.

Her mother unfolded it slowly. Inside you saw small stones, a few bugs crawling over them, and a couple of worms wriggling in the soft specks of dirt.

"Oh, sweetheart," her mother said, her voice catching just a little, like she was about to cry. "Thank you but I do wish you’d show me your friends in the garden."

Helaena says nothing in return, as you watch, fascinated by the worms, by Helaena, and her mother.

"Besides, wouldn’t they miss their family if you keep taking them away?" her mother adds.

"They like me," she counters softly but surely. She wasn’t trying to convince anyone— it seemed to be just the truth to her. She didn't even frown.

You couldn’t help but smile at that, the way she said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like 'Mother will like you'. It seemed a bit silly to you.

Her mother gave a small laugh, trying to hide her discomfort as she bundled the cloth back up.

"Would you like something to drink?" she asked, turning her gaze to you, her hands still cradling the little bugs like they were some strange gift. "Juice, maybe?"

“I like juice,” you smiled with a nod. Surprised by the normality of the offer.

Her mother stood, still holding the bundle in her careful grip. "I’ll be right back," she says with a restrained smile.

And so, given that this was your very first experience with Helaena, an experience that was relatively less tame in comparison to her general aura of otherworldliness. You made the assumption — a terrible assumption that Aemond was normal. He had temper issues, a bit of asocial-ness about him, but despite it all, he was normal and didn't have worms for friends.

You're freshly dating, only got about 3 weeks and 2 days under your belt. It was a tumultuous affair, getting him to date you, really. But it's happened and now you're rewarded as you're sitting in his warm lap, kissing him pretty with your gloss stained lips. His arms are on your waist, they always seem to go through the motions. They lay there against your hip, sort of loosely before the grip gets firmer and firmer until you feel how much he likes having you sitting in his lap. The heat of him, solid and real beneath you, roots you in the moment.

You’re in the rhythm of it when—

A scream bursts from your throat before you can stop it. You scramble off Aemond’s lap, your back hitting the headboard. Your eyes, wide and uncomprehending, fix on the creature—an enormous lizard, staring at you with unblinking beady eyes.

Aemond looks up at you, shocked only for a second before his face halts at a calmness, a dejectedness you've come to realise isn't as harsh as you may have assumed it to be. There's a softness in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” His voice is steady, but you can see the flicker of confusion in his one visible eye.

You stare at him, incredulous. "Are you seriously— Aemond, there's a lizard. A giant lizard right in front of you!"

He glances down, casually, then back at you. “Oh, that’s Vhagar,” he says, like that’s meant to explain everything.

You blinked. “A what?”

“Vhagar,” he repeats plainly. “My pet. Named her after my great aunt’s dog.”

You don't say anything for a good while. Simply baffled.

“That’s… a pet?” you manage, voice thin.

He nods, his hand moving up and down, slowly against your calves.

He nods, his fingers tracing idle patterns on your leg. “She’s harmless.”

You blink. "She's a lizard."

“A Tegu to be precise,” Aemond corrects, his tone as cool as ever. “Isn’t she gorgeous?”

Your eyes flit between Aemond and the creature—Vhagar—now lazily blinking at you from across the bed. The way his hand moves so easily, up and down, fingers soft against your leg, like he’s describing an old photograph, a rare painting, not the giant reptile lounging in his room. “Uh, sure,” you say, voice shaky. “Gorgeous.”

He smirks then, a glint lighting up his eye. “I can put him outside, if you’d rather.”

You hesitate for a second, fully ready to nod a confirmation, but instead you shake your head. “No, it’s fine. Just… maybe warn me next time?”

Aemond chuckles, low and quiet, as you settle back into his lap. His lips press against your hair, “I’ll remember that.”

And just like that, you're settled in this grip of Aemond's warm hands, while Vhagar watches from her distant perch. You couldn’t help but laugh. What a strange, strange family you're going to be part of.

[sleepyking]

Someone pls see my vision

So I’ve seen some chatfics of when Red and Chloe are in the past, and don’t get me wrong i love them, but I have a different take on that concept

You all know I love Red angst, right? I mean, literally all of charminghearts stuff is her suffering(I have problems okay-)

Well, my idea features that(of course)

I’m terrible at explaining things, but essentially, Red gets invited to two chats—the one with the villains, and the one with the heroes

I really like the idea of her bonding with the VKs

Here are some conversations i think would happen:

Hades: she has problems

Maleficent: we all have problems

Hades: well yeah but she has, like, extra problems

Red: I’m RIGHT HERE

Red: so you won’t attack me with that?

Hook: no? Why would i?

Red: well

Red: I’m really annoying, and loud, and obnoxious, and I don’t listen, and I shouldn’t exist, and-

Hook: WAITWAITWAIT BACK UP

Hook: why would that mean I should attack you??

Red: because that’s what should happen to me?

Hook: who told you that???

Red: my mom?

Hook, calling the gang: GUYS LETS GO COMMIT MURDER

Uliana: I don’t like you

Red: welcome to the club

Uliana: wh-

Red: current members include me and my mom. Wanna be added to the Hit Red List? I’m sure I could squeeze you in between my mom and my mom and my mom

Uliana:

Uliana: so where does this mom of yours live-

Bridget: Red doesn’t like me:(

Ella: W H A T

Bridget: :(((

Ella, ready to commit murder: hold my flower babe, I’ll be right back

Chloe: hang on-

Uuuuuh yea

I just-

I really want Red to bond with the VKs okay-

Wait I already said that

They’d be like her older siblings and I N E E D that in my life

Couple extra things:

Hades types in all lowercase and uses z instead of s

Fay fake married Uli at some point, they get divorced, Fay marries Hook and Morgie, and then Hades and Maleficent(platonically)

House Husband Hades

Fay and Hades friendship

Hades is basically a puppy

And any other stuff you want! I based most of this off of the rp group I’m in:)

Anyways

I’d write this myself but like…writers block and school are kickin my ass rn

Might still write it anyways but idk

If anyone wants to write this feel free to! Just tag me when it’s done pls:)

[thatwritterbeach]

One messed up bat .3

Dc masterlist

Batfam x reader x Jason Todd eventually

Summary: the batfam's approach to Y/n self harming. She makes a run for it, doens't get far of course

Warnings: self harm, self hate, innuendos, 18+ talk, Jason making passes at Y/n

A/n: I do not own dc wah

"I'll be out in a second." At least she'd cleaned up quick. Her eyes were bloodshot from puking but that was easy to pass off for just tears, she's already brushed her teeth and the bathroom was free of evidence. With a deep breath she opened the door to Jason leaning against the frame.

"I punched him for ya, Dick wouldn't let me get in more than one but I'll try again later," he tried to joke but she knew from the blood on his knuckles it was true.

"You didn't have to, I'm sorry I put a back slide in your healing-"

"You didn't do shit, pretty, it was all him, sure we'd been slowly makin' amends but I don't need him. I need you happy and safe, and he can't do either."

"I'm fine, or I'll be fine, or whatever it is you wanna hear, thank you for sticking up for me-"

"I can't let ya hurt yourself, sweets. Dick and I have decided on a plan," he said grabbing one of her hands to pull her over to her bed. She sat on the edge ready to bolt if she needed.

"You two making plans is never a good sign..."

"We're gonna move in here-"

"Oh hell no, we'll all kill each other!"

"We'll manage, for you. We'll take out old rooms, I promise not to smother Bruce with a pillow in his sleep and we can take turns sitting with you-"

"I'm not a child-" He stopped her with a pointed look, his eyes dropping just for a second to her chest.

"I know that-"

"Don't look at my boobs when you say that you weirdo."

"Stop interrupting. When should I look at your boobs then," he said then cringed at himself.

"Uh, um, I don't know? Not -I mean, this isn't a porno bro, so unless you wanna help me get unstuck from the dryer-"

"Ha, you saw that one too," he cut her off with a panicked laugh. His hand working through his hair.

"Just the memes, I don't watch-you know what never mind. Don't look at my tits-"

"Why is he looking at your...um," Dick accused in that 'I'm her older brother I will kill you with a spoon voice'.

"Can we just back to my self harm," she begged burying her face in her hands in embarrassment.

"Yes please," Jason said with relief. Dick was glaring at him, then used a finger to slash across his throat in the universal I'll kill you gesture.

"Anyway, Tim is laying out the ground rules for Bruce. Which is he's not allowed to be in any room alone with you, he doesn't get any shifts as your emotional support buddy-"

"Babysitter."

"-and he's grounded from the cave until we track down the joker and cut him into tiny pieces," Dick continued like she said nothing.

"Damian agreed to drug him if we had to, to avoid the no kill rule," Jason clarified.

"You guys are the best, none-legal, half-step-adopted-but-not-really-sibling-friends a girl could ask for. But you don't need to hunt for him, I know just where he is. I was gonna deliver his head to Jason for his birthday."

"You were gonna give me head-shit I mean a head for my birthday," Jason stuttered. The others blinked at him then Dick smacked him upside the head and Y/n started laughing.

"What is it with you? Do you need to get laid that badly? I'm nothing to look at you dork," she said with disturbing ease, shaking her head like she was scolding a puppy.

"Don't say that," Dick chided sitting on the bed and pulling her sideways into his lap. She flopped over onto him awkwardly with her arms pinned to her sides by him so she couldn't wiggle free.

"I think you're gorgeous, sweets." She snorted in disbelief.

"Yeah, right my family says I'm not ugly and I'm just supposed to take their word for it, nice try. The only person in this house that doesn't lie is Damian."

"I'd prove it to you if buzz kill wasn't here."

"Dude!"

"Oh my God, enough with the sex talk! Tim might hear-"

"Hear what?"

"Ok, seriously does the robin training include popping up at bad times did I miss that lesson?"

"Why are you just now getting the sex talk," Tim asked with a shit eating grin, little fucker knew something. She narrowed her eyes at him but his grin stayed.

"No, Jason keeps making passes like a damn player," Dick explained.

"Bout time," Tim said flopping himself down on her bed on his stomach.

"hardly a time for jokes, Tim-"

"No really, he loves you, you love him just kiss already-"

"You are so dead," Dick shouted rolling her off to the side to make a grab for Jason, who's instincts kicked in and had him out the door in a blink. Their footsteps could be heard pounding down the hall followed by a few crashes.

"Alfred's gonna be pissed," Tim said like he didn't just start it.

"Dude what the hell, why would you lie about something like that," she whispered shouted at him.

"I know you love him-"

"But he doesn't love me you little shit, it's horrible for you to start trouble."

"Speaking of trouble just how much damage did you cause before Jason got up here?"

"A little."

"Let me see."

"No."

"Then I'll just have the others hold you down-"

"Fine fine, when did you get so mean. I swear just last week you weren't saying more than two words to me," she grumbled rolling her shorts up to show him the bandages. They were shallow so no blood had soaked through but he pulled a knife from his pocket to cut them away and check any how.

"I'm sorry I've-we've all been distant with you, but you just seemed so...okay. I mean before Dick pissed you off your voice echoed down the halls as you sang. Every time I passed you you were dancing. You baked cookies with Alfred every other day- I just... I'm sorry I couldn't read between the lines," he said wadding up the gauze and letting her wounds get some air.

"Tim, the singing and dancing and the fake smiles were meant to throw you off, there was no between the lines," she explained softly.

He didn't respond just continues to look at her cuts, the burn scars and what he was really hoping wasn't words carved into her skin, they were so faded they blended with the stretch mark but he was sure he could make out a few letters. Dick came back into the room alone, looking smug but his smile dropped when he saw her.

"Tim! You were supposed to watch her," he whisper shouted crossing the room and dropping to his knees on the bed.

"I did this before any of you got in here, one last hurrah," she laughed. Dick wasn't laughing, he'd found the letters too.

"What did these say?"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb, you have letters scared, what did they say?"

She yanked her shorts down and became invested in her cuticles turning her body away and getting ready to run. Dick sat down on the bed about a foot from her trying to give her a bit of space but all he did was give her an opening. She was up and out of reach with a quickness only a past robin could have but she'd underestimated them Dick was in her path and Tim was to her side blocking the bathroom door just as quick. With little to no deliberation she bolted for her balcony. Slamming the doors behind herself she all but leapt from the guard rail and scaled the vine covered lattice with ease. They were close behind and she had to really kick it into gear to run, zigzagging to avoid them.

"Hey, what the hell guys," Jason voice said from only a few feet from her.

"Shit," she said to herself, her shorter legs going as fast as they could, just a little further and she'd be off the property. Of course she was in slippers and her feet were getting soaked from the damp grass, she was just thankful she hadn't-shit she jinxed it, she fucking slipped, right before the damn gate too. Three annoyed vigilantes were dog piled on her before she could even begin to stand back up and fell flat on her stomach in defeat.

"Thanks for the workout," Jason groaned at her his body draped over her legs.

"I forgot how fast you were itty bitty bat," Dick said from his position on his knees next to her, one hand on her back to hold her down.

"Just where did you think you were gonna go," Tim asked, he was just straight up sitting on her like an annoying little brother showing off that he'd grown taller.

"Can I get up now?" They all eased up but before she could get her to her feet Jason tossed her over his shoulder in a fireman carry. His ass looked great in his sweatpants damnit.

"Hey," she shouted smacking his hip, he smacked the back of her thigh in response and she was disturbed to find she'd liked it.

"So what did we learn," Dick asked bending down to be eye level with her.

"That I need to spend more time on the treadmill."

(this entire time I keep picturing Tim off to the side sipping an iced coffee like he's watching a 3d movie)

The walk back to the manner took a little while and Jason was sure to give her a bumpy ride. Unfortunately he'd discovered after he'd tossed her on his shoulder she was in fact not wearing a bra. He could feet her nipples, which had hardened from the cold, against his back as she tried to cling to him for a less rough ride. if Dick was going to kill him before, he was going to make him dig his own grave now. Of course, he felt disgusted for the thoughts he had about his technically adopted sister, even more so with what he'd said to her. If Tim was right, and she loved him back he would die happy. Now though, he had to focus on making her happy.

9-26-24

taglist

@stormz369

[redbreastedbird]

Hey Robin! A handful of MMU fans are trying to timeline the series and we have a question for you!

Are Nuala, May, and Eric all in the same 'school year', so to speak? We thought that Nuala is in the 'right' school year while May is in the year above the one she ought be in, because of the enrollment shenanigans the war causes, but we can't quite figure it out!

Could you give us a hand?

Thank you, some very confused MMU fans <3

Yes okay, this is also something that breaks my brain when I think about it too much. I did it, and I remember doing it, and yet. And yet!! I often ask myself what I was playing at.

So the trouble starts way back in the short story May Wong and the Deadly Flat, set in September 1939. In that, May is 9 years old. (Her birthday is May 4th, 1930). For the end of the story to work to set up the Ministry series, May has to stay in the UK, because otherwise she’d probably have gone home to HK and then have been shipped off to Australia in 1940/41 like other wealthier kids of Hong Kong Chinese families worried about Japanese invasion.

Now we all know that for her to stay in the UK she needs to go to Deepdean, and Deepdean takes kids from 10/11. Ideally you’d be 11 when you start first form, then 12 when you start second form, and so on. Hazel and Daisy are 13 and in third form when MMU starts. BUT I worked out a loophole about this, and this is the very real fact that British country boarding school years got skewy when WW2 broke out. They suddenly got very over-subscribed because wealthy parents were desperate to bundle their kids off to get them out of the way of bombs, and sometimes the too-young siblings of pupils were sent too. So I had at least some historical evidence that May could have been jammed into a sort of baby form, and I decided to run with that.

I figured that she would spend one year in baby form in 1939/1940, and then they’d shove her up into first form in the 1940/1941 school year. She would still be younger than most of the other girls (which is part of why she hates it and is struggling - she’s a little younger than they are AS WELL as being extremely ADHD).

Now, Nuala comes into Deepdean in the spring term of 1941. She is of course a year and a half older than May - she’s 12 when MUA begins in 1940, and her birthday is 15th September, so she really should be the oldest kid in second form. However I decided that, since she hasn’t been in formal schooling pretty much ever (she got taught by various Company members and then her granny) she’d probably be a bit behind on the curriculum. So I moved her down into first form, to be with May, and to be massively the oldest kid in the form.

The final piece in the puzzle (I really went wild with this one) is that you’ll notice that I mention Lottie, Eric’s sister, being in the same form as Rose. This is because I thought they’d have a nice time hanging out and being friends, so I decided that Lottie is super smart and would skip a form - plus, again, over-subscribed boarding school in war time might mean that Rose’s form would be the only space for her.

Anyway. That’s it. That’s the story. It’s possible I put too much thought into all of this.

[badkitty3000]

You Can't Go Home Again

Chapters 1 and 2

All Five wants to do is rest. But when yet another apocalypse threatens to doom them all, he doesn't have that luxury. This time, the only solution for the Hargreeves to try and save the world is to unite Five with another, alternate version of himself.

Five starts to spiral when he is faced with the alternate life that he could have had, if only he hadn't gone and ruined everything. But maybe, just maybe, there's still time for him to obtain the happy ending he deserves.

An alternate season three rewrite for a request I received.

Warnings: None

More chapters will be posted as I continue writing this multi-chapter fic. Enjoy!

Chapter One: The Other You

So much for being their ringer, Five thought bitterly as he stewed about the day’s earlier events. Lying there in his shitty bottom bunk bed like he was actually 13 years old, and waiting for Klaus to get back with his scotch, he tried to think of what to do next. Everyone was waiting on him, like he knew the answer to everything. It was damned if you do, damned if you don’t with this family, because no matter what Five said someone wasn’t happy with him. He sighed and flopped a pillow over his face, trying to drown out Diego and Luther’s arguing. At this point, he wished that Cobra Girl, or whatever the fuck her name was, would make him hallucinate he was on a tropical island with a fruity drink in one hand and Dolores in his other.

God damn it, he was tired.

Maybe this was for the best, though. Maybe they could just live here and be normal for once. After all, it didn’t seem all that bad. They just needed to avoid Dad’s merry band of Mega Assholes, but that should be easy enough. They could even keep the briefcase. He didn’t really need the reminder of that part of his life, anyway. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded. This was just what they all needed to start over.

Wait, where are all the lobsters? Fuck.

************************************************************************

“I swear there was a great vintage clothing store around here somewhere,” Klaus muttered to himself as he walked down the busy street, a few blocks from the hotel. He stopped and looked around, shading his eyes from the sun. He let out a frustrated groan. “The one time I could actually benefit from Ben being up my ass all the time. That jerk was like freaking Magellan.” He chuckled. “No wonder I’ve always been bad at directions. I usually just followed him.” Klaus caught the side-eye of a woman hurrying past him. “Aaaaand…now I’m talking to myself. Wonderful.”

As he stepped off the curb to try the other side of the street, he stopped dead in his tracks. Coming out of the café across the road, was an absolute dead ringer for Five. Well, an older version of him. But not like his real, 60 year-old version. More like the correct version, if the correct version had been allowed to age normally with the rest of his siblings.

It had to be him. Same dark hair swept to the side. Same lean build and sharp facial features. Same aggravated look on his face.

The one thing that was clearly wrong, besides the fact that he was roughly 30, was that he had two small children in tow, with one of them holding his hand. Then Klaus almost passed out when he saw a very pretty woman follow him out, putting her arm around his waist and kissing his cheek.

And Five just… smiled at her. Like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“What the…” Klaus started to wonder, before almost being run over by a delivery truck that came zooming down the street. “Shit!”

He stepped back onto the curb just in time, as the driver honked his horn and yelled obscenities at him as he drove past. But Klaus barely registered all of that. He couldn’t stop staring at his brother’s doppelganger, trying to figure out what to do about it. Would he even know Klaus? This was probably a completely different version that grew up here, in the Sparrow’s timeline and would have no idea that the Umbrella Academy even existed.

“Five!” Klaus yelled out, not even thinking.

The older version of his brother stopped and turned, looking for who might have called him.

“Fuck, it really is him,” Klaus muttered. “Five! Over here!” He waved his arms in the air, catching Five’s attention.

He watched as Five squinted across the street, then looked at the woman next to him, shrugging. The small girl holding his hand gave a sharp tug to get his attention, and Five let her pull him along down the sidewalk, taking one last confused look at Klaus over his shoulder.

“Fuck…now what?” Klaus said, one hand on his hip. “What would Ben say? He’d tell me I should not follow him and just go back to the hotel and tell Five. So…yeah, I’m going to follow him.”

Klaus stayed on the opposite side of the street, and hung back a little, but he followed Five and his family for a few blocks. As he paused behind a telephone pole, trying to hide for a few seconds to widen the gap between them, he was engulfed in a flash of blue light before being thrown against the side of a building, the front of his shirt clutched in someone’s hands, and a snarling voice speaking to him.

“Who are you and why are you following me?”

Klaus looked into the familiar green eyes of his brother, whose other version he had just recently been reunited with. There was no doubt it was Five now. Even without the spatial jump and the physical assault. When Klaus’s eyes dropped down to the fist that was clenching his shirt, he saw the tattoo that matched his own.

“Holy shit! Five, it’s really you!”

“How the fuck do you know my name? Who are you?” Five demanded again, pushing Klaus further into the brick wall.

“It’s me…Klaus! You know, your brother?”

Five paused, but didn’t loosen his grip at all. “What are you talking about?”

Klaus held his hands up in surrender, while also showing Five the inside of his left wrist. “See? It’s me! Numero Quatro. Remember?”

Five took a small step back, his eyes wide, but he still held tight. “Klaus?”

Klaus laughed. “Yeah! Hey buddy, how the hell are you?”

After a few more seconds of staring blankly at his brother, Five let him go and Klaus smoothed his shirt down. “I don’t understand. How are you here? This isn’t your timeline.”

“I know!” Klaus giggled. “It’s a LONG fucking story, one which my brother…well, you, actually, can explain much better than I can. But after a couple failed time travel attempts, here we are! And Dad was NOT thrilled to see us, let me tell you. Do you know he has a whole ass other family now? And Ben! He’s alive…or a version of him is alive. He seems like a real dick. But then there’s you, and look at you! All grown up and with a family? That’s so great! But how did you get here? How are you not a Sparrow?”

Five pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger and sighed before smiling at his long-lost brother. “Klaus, it is really good to see you, but please, give me a minute here. I need to think.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“So, how did you time travel here? With what resource?”

“To this particular timeline? A magical briefcase. Before that, it was just you.”

“Ignoring whatever the hell a magical briefcase is, do you mean you used my powers to time travel?”

“Yes, but with varying success.”

“Ok. So, there’s a version of me with you now?”

Klaus nodded. “Yes. And you are ADORABLE.” He saw Five’s frown of confusion. “You’re thirteen. Well, not really. You’re actually 58, since you got stuck in an apocalypse for 45 years and then messed up your own time math on your return to 2019. So, yeah, you’re super cute but, wow, are you ornery.”

Five thought for a moment before quietly mumbling, “So you must be from an alternate Umbrella Academy timeline where I still time traveled at thirteen, but with a different outcome.”

Klaus nodded. “Sure, that sounds about right.” Then he tilted his head in confusion. “Hang on, if you’re here and the same age as me, and you still have the Umbrella tattoo, then how did you get here and how are there two of you?”

Five frowned. “Again, I’m going to speculate, because I can’t be entirely sure. But from what you’re saying, it sounds like there were at least two original timelines where the Umbrella Academy and us and the rest of our siblings existed. I decided to defy Reggie and jump to the future in both of those timelines, except that’s where things went differently. It sounds like in your timeline, that version of me got stuck in the future with no way back. In my particular case, I jumped and instead of going forward in time, I went sideways and got stuck.”

“Sideways?”

“Meaning, I jumped to a different, alternate universe with the Sparrows, but the time remained the same. So, I grew up here, in this timeline but without good old Dad to raise me.”

“Oh right…” Klaus said, nodding as if he completely understood. “So, you’re not the same Five that rubbed hot chili oil in my underwear in retaliation for stealing your sandwich when we were twelve?”

Five looked taken aback, but then he gave a short laugh. “No, but I did dare MY Klaus to touch his junk after cutting up a habanero pepper, then proceeded to take his picture when he started screaming and pouring milk down his underpants.”

“Man, you really are an asshole in every timeline!” Klaus laughed. “Poor me.”

With a grin, Five shook his head. “It really is good to see you, Klaus. The last time I saw any of my siblings I was thirteen. I’m glad to see you made it out and are doing well.”

“Well…I wouldn’t go that far, but I made it out anyway. And what about you? So, you landed here and then what? I didn’t see you with the other assholes who were beating the shit out of us in our own home.”

“Oh, the Sparrows? Yeah, they are a special brand of dickheads, that’s for sure. Even as teenagers, they sucked. Which is why—”

Just then, a pulsing wave of…something…washed over them and the entire city block, only for it to reverse itself and disappear the way it came. As Klaus and Five stood there in shock, a lady that had been walking on the other side of the street screamed loudly. When they looked over, they saw her holding up a dog leash attached to an empty collar. She pivoted in place, scanning all around her while she called out “Winston!” in a panic.

“Well, that’s probably not good,” Klaus observed; head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, no shit,” Five snapped. He glanced down the street, where his family was waiting for him on a bench. They appeared to be intact and he let out a sigh of relief. “Listen, I have to get back to my family. I don’t know what the hell that was, but if I had to bet, I’d say it had something to do with Reginald. So, as much as I’d love to sit here and catch up, I have to go.”

“Oh,” Klaus said sadly. “Yeah, ok. But don’t you want to come meet the rest of the gang? We’re all staying over the Hotel Obsidian, if you know where that is –”

“You’re staying there?” Five asked incredulously.

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s Dad’s place. He owns it. Didn’t you know that?”

Klaus shook his head. “No, I had no idea. Are you sure?”

Five rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been tracking Reggie since I was a kid. That place is basically his evil lair, and even if I haven’t been able to figure out what is going on in there, it’s a safe bet it’s in nobody’s best interest except his own.”

“Sounds about right, actually,” Klaus mused. “But, hey! He’s not there now, and our siblings would love to meet you, I’m sure. And OUR Five…he’s such a little shit gremlin, you should see him…you…well, you know what I mean. Don’t you want to meet your other self?”

“I’m sure there are terrible consequences to that, actually.”

“Oh, come on…just for a minute…”

“Klaus! A mysterious, dog-eating, energy wave from hell just passed over the city and you want to start planning a family reunion? They aren’t even my real family, anyway! So…while this has been fun, I have to go. Good luck with everything.”

In another flash of blue, Five was gone; reappearing at the other end of the street where his wife and kids were still waiting. Klaus watched in fascination as Five hugged them, and then continued down the street in a hurry, keeping them close to him for protection.

“Well, this is some weird-ass shit, even for us, right Benerino?” Klaus closed his eyes and sighed when he realized he was alone again. “Damn it. I keep forgetting.”

************************************************************************

Five was helping himself to the large selection of booze the hotel bar had to offer, trying to find just the right single malt to drown his sorrows and help him forget the happenings of the day. He decided that things couldn’t really get worse, so he might as well get plastered. He rattled off the earlier events in his head as he tipped back a bottle of Japanese whiskey and swallowed down a large gulp.

Lila tried to kill me. BOTH fucking briefcases won’t work. Lila tried to kill me AGAIN. The Commission is dead and the world is soon to follow. My old, one-armed ass died in front of me without giving me one single piece of useful information except “don’t save the world.” Jesus, what an asshole. And now this kugelblitz shit. He took another swig, grimacing as it slipped down his throat and burned his stomach. Oh yeah, let’s not forget that I’m still stuck in this prepubescent body, which is all sorts of fun. Although I think I spied one single hair on my nuts this morning, so things are really starting to look up.

“Fuck,” he muttered before laughing sardonically at himself and taking another pull at the bottle. “I should have listened to you, Dolores. I should have waited until I was one-hundred-percent sure of the math, just like you said. But you know me, always impulsive. I’m glad you’re not here to witness this, my dear, because I really stepped in it this time.”

“Five! Holy shit, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Klaus came running up to the bar, out of breath and smiling. Five frowned before taking another sip of whiskey. “Well, I’m not sure where you’ve been looking because I’ve been right here for the last hour.”

“Well, yeah…I mean I just got here. But, still, I have big news!”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” Five said dryly.

“I met you!”

“Excuse me?”

“You! Well, another you, but it was still you! But like, older, you know? But with the same Umbrella Academy tattoo and surly attitude. And let me tell you…I was right because you did grow up to be hot. So, never fear little bro, you are one smoking piece of ass once you get past this awkward phase.”

“Klaus,” Five said, running a tired hand down his face. “What in the fuck are you talking about?”

Klaus took a deep breath. “I was walking around, trying to find this store I used to like, when I saw you. Another version of you.”

Five set the whiskey bottle down with a hard “thunk.” He crossed his arms on the bar top and leaned in toward Klaus, his eyebrows drawing together. “Come again?”

“You, Fivey!” Klaus repeated, gesturing wildly to his confused, smaller brother. “And get this…you have a family! An adorable wife and two precious little children. You should have seen yourself in absolute domestic bliss.” Klaus put a hand to his chest. “Oh, it was precious.”

Five slow blinked a few times, trying to understand what his moronic brother was babbling about. The whiskey was slowing his processing speed and he needed to catch up. “Hang on,” he squinted, trying to keep things in focus. “You saw another version of me? And you talked to him?”

Klaus nodded. “Yes!”

“This is…” Five muttered, picking up the bottle, but then setting it back down again with a frown. “This is not good.”

“That’s what he said! Well, not those exact words, but pretty close. I tried to get him to come here and meet everyone but—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Five barked.

“What? I thought he’d like to see the other versions of us, since he comes from a different timeline, apparently. This you didn’t get stuck in an apocalypse, he just landed here instead. I don’t really understand everything and we didn’t have time to get into specifics before the scary energy tsunami killed the vibe.”

“Energy…what? Damn it, Klaus, I’m too drunk for this.” Five sighed heavily, dropping his head onto his arms before raising it again. He passed a hand through his hair, sweeping it out of his eyes. “Ok, listen carefully. Do NOT, under any circumstances, interact with my other self again. Understand?”

Klaus pouted. “Why? Aren’t you curious about this you?”

With a sorrowful look in his eyes, he shook his head slowly. “It doesn’t matter if I am or not. What matters is keeping us safe. You and our siblings. We can’t worry about anyone else right now, and that includes any other versions of ourselves that may be walking around. We just don’t have that luxury.”

“But…your kids…”

“They are not MY kids, Klaus! They’re HIS!” Five snapped, much more harshly than he had intended. He backed down a little. “I’m sorry. There’s too much at stake. Not to mention I can’t be trusted if I’m around another version of myself.”

“Oh, right…the psychosis thing. Yeah, Luther mentioned you went a little..” Klaus made a cuckoo bird noise and circled a finger next to his head. “I forgot about that.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t. It’s not exactly a great feeling to want to scratch your ball sack off while your doppelganger tries to murder you. You tend not to forget those things.”

“Point taken, mon frere.” Klaus grabbed a shot glass from behind the bar and poured himself some of Five’s whiskey. After throwing it back in one go, he looked around. “Alright, I have to go find everyone else and tell them the news. They aren’t going to believe this.”

As Klaus walked away, Five knew he should stop him. He needed to tell him about the kugelblitz, especially since it sounded like maybe he had already experienced a wave of it. But he had just been thrown some very heavy news and he needed time to think. It didn’t help that his brain was foggy with booze and he had already been in a maudlin mood even before Klaus had dumped this on him.

There was another version of himself walking around that city right now, not that far away. Another version that grew up in a normal world. That didn’t spend decades in a lifeless hellscape, scrounging to stay alive and slowly going insane. One that hadn’t fucked up his life, not once, but twice, with shaky math and a too-cocky attitude. And one that had a real family.

That was what Five kept circling back to. Klaus had seen him with a wife and two kids. Just the thought that there was an alternative life for him out there that included a real family nearly sucked the air right out of his lungs. A wife. A real wife that he presumably loved and that loved him in return. Children of his own.

It was too much. He couldn’t breathe and he furiously pulled at his necktie as if it were a noose tightening around his thin neck. Five pulled in loud gasps of air, but it still wasn’t enough. Grabbing the half-empty bottle of whiskey off the bar, he staggered towards the first bathroom he saw off the main floor. Panting with eyes wide, Five trudged to the old, grimy sink and stared into the mirror.

“Fuck you,” Five hissed to the skinny little shithead that was staring back at him. “You’re useless.”

He took a long swig from the bottle, his hand shaking on the way. As two small rivers of brown liquid seeped out of the corners of his mouth and down his chin, he lowered the bottle clumsily, hitting the side of the sink and smashing it into pieces. As shards of glass rained down onto the tiled floor, the pleasant tinkling sound echoing around him, Five laughed. It was a dangerous, demonic laugh that frightened even himself. He stopped abruptly, his hands clutching the sides of the sink, palms digging into the slivers of glass that had fallen there.

“You stupid asshole,” he snarled at the kid-version of himself. “You absolute piece of shit. Look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined everything.” He looked down sadly, then back up again. This time, instead of hate in his eyes there was only bottomless sorrow. “You don’t deserve that life. That’s why you ended up here, looking like this. Because you are the version that shouldn’t exist. You are the version that does not get happiness.”

Five’s cold eyes flitted down to the ground. There, lying next to his polished dress shoes that he had been so excited to complement his tailored suit, was a large piece of the broken bottle. The shard was long and tapered at the end to form a jagged dagger shape. Perfect for stabbing. Or slicing into a main artery so that someone, or yourself, would bleed out in a matter of seconds. Five stared at that piece of glass for far too long before slowly lifting his head again, facing himself in the mirror.

“I know. Don’t worry, Dolores…it was just a thought. Besides, that would be like drinking bleach while your car is flying off a cliff into a ravine. Why bother? Either way it ends the same.”

A few hours later, after cleaning the bathroom of any evidence, and composing himself back into a man in full control, Five found his siblings. It was clear that Klaus had filled them in on his discovery, and they all hushed as Five neared the group, although he noticed Klaus himself was missing. Pausing to grab himself a tumbler of scotch on the way, Five joined them. After stopping to take a casual drink, one hand in the pocket of his suit pants, Five gestured with his glass in hand.

“Alright, let’s hear it. I know Klaus told you, so let’s get this over with.”

“Five, you have a family! That’s wonderful!” Luther gushed.

“I guess I was wrong, maybe you do have a bit of domesticity in you,” Lila snorted.

Viktor shrugged with a smile and Allison rolled her eyes, neither of them saying a word.

Diego nonchalantly flipped a knife in his hand while eyeing Five up. “So now what? We have to deal with two of you? Because I can barely stand one of you.”

Five smiled his usual, acerbic smile. “Well, Diego, the feeling is mutual. But fear not; neither you nor I will be coming anywhere near my other self.”

“Why not? Klaus said the other you seemed perfectly nice after you stopped slamming him against a wall,” Luther said innocently.

Five sighed heavily, wishing for the umpteenth time that he didn’t have the sole responsibility of critical thinking skills in this family. “Because…” he began slowly, to make sure they were understanding, “Not only does it have the possibility of creating even more havoc to this timeline, there’s also the little matter of –”

“Oh!” Luther interrupted animatedly. “I remember! The paradox psychosis!” He turned to the rest of the family. “You guys missed it, but he kind of went a little…” He lowered his voice to a whisper even though Five could hear everything. “…psycho, if you know what I mean.”

“Jesus, Luther, I’m right here!” Five closed his eyes to try and regroup. “But, yes, paradox psychosis is the real deal. And there’s no way around that. So, let’s just focus on the task at hand, which is trying to get out of here before the world implodes with us in it.”

Five’s gaze landed on Lila, and he immediately knew she was up to something. “What the hell are you smirking at?”

She shrugged while sticking her hand up her short skirt and pulling out a small item. Five made a disgusted groaning noise. “God, please, whatever that is, I do not want it.”

“Oh, shut up, you little perv. Here,” she said with an eye roll, shoving the item into Five’s hand and forcing him to take it. “While you were having your little heart to heart with your freshly deceased corpse back at the Commission, I found this.”

Five peered down at his open hand. It was a syringe filled with a yellowish substance. On closer inspection, he could make out two words scrawled along the side, in what looked like his own handwriting. Paradox Juice.

“Paradox Juice?” he questioned out loud. He looked back up at Lila. “Is this what I think it is?”

She shrugged again. “Your guess is as good as mine. I assumed it was some sort of concoction to ward off psychosis should you ever have to meet with your doppelganger. The old, decrepit you probably made it during his time at the Commission.”

Five held the syringe up to the light and peered intently at the golden liquid inside. “Where did you find this?”

“On one of the tables in the bunker. When you so rudely had me leave during your existential crisis, I swiped them on the way out.”

“Them?”

“Oh yeah…” she reached up into her skirt again, revealing an identical syringe. “There were two.”

“How did you…where did you have those, because we just…I mean I’m pretty sure I would have found those when we were upstairs doing…what the hell?” Diego stammered; his dark eyes clouded with confusion.

“Don’t worry about it, honey,” Lila answered with a smile and a quick pat on his cheek. “Every girl has her secrets.”

“Well, regardless of this finding, there is no reason for me to make contact with my other self. I don’t see the benefit, and it could possibly do more harm, like speed the kugelblitz along,” Five explained while shoving both syringes into his inside suit coat pocket. He took another drink from his glass. “Let’s just forget it, ok?”

“Guys!” Klaus yelled as he rushed up to the group. “I have some bad news.”

***************************************************

Chapter Two: Homicidal Rage

As the seven of them trudged along the city streets, taking up the width of the sidewalk, and bumping into one another while grumbling and shoving each other in return, the sky began to darken. Another pulsing kugel wave washed over them and the surrounding buildings. They all watched in horror as every other living creature evaporated into ashes and blew away with the wind. In a matter of seconds, they were the only ones around.

“Fuck, this is not good,” Five groaned. “I really don’t see how finding my other self is going to help anything. Besides, for all we know, that wave right there just destroyed me.”

“We don’t know, but we have to try,” Viktor said. “Between the two of you, maybe you can figure out how to get the briefcase working again.”

Five looked dubiously down at the mangled black case in his hand. “I just don’t think my other self is going to welcome us into his home with open arms. I know I wouldn’t.”

“I’m telling you, Fivey, this you seemed much less ragey,” Klaus said. Five glared up at him. “See? That look right there, the one that means you want to rip my throat out? I didn’t get that from this other you.”

“Probably because that version is getting laid on a regular basis,” Diego murmured to Lila.

Ignoring his brothers, Five went back to his own thoughts as they continued down the street. When Klaus had told them Chet was kicking them out of the hotel due to “insufficient funds”, there was a moment of panic. They had no money and their only home was currently occupied by the world’s biggest assholes. Five glanced up at a giant billboard looming overhead featuring those same assholes, before looking back down at the ground. Fucking fuckers.

After a family meeting that involved more bickering and finger pointing, they had concluded that the only possibility, no matter how slim, of stopping the kugelblitz by returning to their correct timeline, was to track down the other Five and ask him for help.  Five had been the last hold-out in agreeing to the plan. He had no desire to find out what this other version was like. The one with the home and a wife and kids. Because he already knew the answer. He had everything and Five had nothing.

Allison, who had been leading the group, suddenly stopped, causing everyone behind her to cartoonishly crash into one another. She shoved Diego away from her with an irritated scowl, while continuing to look down at the piece of paper in her hand. She lifted her eyes to the building in front of them. It was a beautiful brownstone with magazine-worthy flowers and plants covering the front stoop; the gorgeous geraniums and petunias overflowing from their tasteful terracotta pots.

“I think this is it,” she noted.

“Damn, Five…nice digs. You must be doing well for yourself,” Diego commented after giving Allison a shove in return.

“Why do you assume Five is the breadwinner here? Maybe it’s his wife,” Viktor argued.

“I don’t. But Five is all smart and shit, I assume he’s probably some hot shot scientist or something.”

“Maybe his wife is a hot shot scientist,” Viktor shot back.

As the conversation quickly devolved into an argument among the entire group, Five remained silent. He peered up at the house in question. The one where the supposedly more successful version of himself resided. He stared at the flowers and the set of brick stairs that led to the front door with the cheerful looking wreath. He thought back on a time during the apocalypse when he and Dolores were scavenging for supplies. They had come across a destroyed row of brownstones just like this one, and he remembered finding broken shards of terracotta intermixed with the crumbling bricks. The odds that it had been this exact same house were pretty slim, but not impossible. Talk about fucking irony.

Five wiped the sweat from his brow and absent-mindedly scratched at his shoulder. Luther noticed and pointed his big meaty finger at Five.

“Dude! I saw that. You just scratched yourself.”

“Yeah, and you’re starting to sweat again,” Lila added, wrinkling her nose.

“I just walked several miles in a three-piece suit, of course I’m sweating. And people itch, Luther. Stop being dumb.”

“Denial,” Luther said, crossing his arms over his chest and nodding wisely. “Stage one.”

“God damn it! I am not…” Five started before scratching at his ass cheek, “…In denial, ok?”

“You do look a little weird,” Diego said, leaning in closer to Five in curiosity.

Five stuck his hand out, pushing his brother away with a palm to his face. “I do not look weird. Fuck, I need to take a piss.”

There were multiple grumblings around him, and Five was starting to suspect that maybe they had a point. He didn’t feel great. But…

“Hang on,” he said, glancing around and above him, looking crazier by the second. “This could be a trap.”

“How could it be a trap? He doesn’t even know we’re coming,” Allison reasoned.

Five whipped his head in her direction, eyes wide and manic. She took a small step backwards. “Because, dear sister…I am a fucking genius, remember?” He tapped his temple with his finger. “And I would anticipate our arrival. Probably set up some trip wires or something,” he mumbled, looking frantically around him.

“Ok, this is not going to get any better,” Luther told everyone.

Klaus nodded. “Yeah, Five, I think you need to take that shot of paradox juice.”

Remembering he had the two syringes in his jacket, Five took them out and held them up for everyone to see. “I’m not taking this, are you crazy? HE probably made these and poisoned them just to try and get rid of me,” he raged, pointing up at the house. “Paradox juice? You expect me to believe that I would come up with that lame ass name?” He turned to yell up at the windows facing the street. “I’m on to you, asshole!”

“Oh, for fucks sake,” Lila groaned. Mimicking Five’s powers, she blinked over to him, catching him off guard as she grabbed the syringes out of his hands. As Five began to protest, she looked over at Luther. “Hold him still, big guy.”

No stranger to taking orders, Luther immediately complied. Holding Five in place by pinning his arms to his side, he tried to reason with his struggling, smaller brother that it was for his own good. But that was like trying to reason with a cocaine-fueled raccoon, and Five snarled and hissed while trying to get away.

“Get your giant ape hands off of me! You tried to kill me before, I know you’ll do it again! LET ME G—OW! SON OF A BITCH!”

Lila sunk the needle of the syringe directly into the side of Five’s neck, pushing the plunger down and smiling gleefully while he writhed in pain.

“FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK…” Five screamed as Luther continued to keep him trapped.

“How long do you think it takes to work?” Viktor asked worriedly.

Lila shook her head. “No idea. Might not even work at all. Or I just killed him. But, you win some, you lose some, am I right?”

Everyone watched in fascination as Five slowly started to relax in Luther’s grip. His jaw unclenched and he stopped swearing. After about two minutes, the crazed look in his eyes left and he gazed at the concerned faces around him like a man waking from a dream.

“I think…I think I’m ok now,” he said weakly.

Luther leaned down, studying his face up close. “Are you sure? Because if I let you go and you kick me in the balls again, I am not going to be happy.”

Five shook his head. “No, really. I think that shit actually worked.”

Luther looked around for confirmation, and receiving nods of approval from everyone else, he let go of Five’s arms. Stepping back, he shielded his crotch from any unexpected backlash.

Five took in a deep breath of air and wiped away the last few drops of sweat that had been trickling down the back of his neck. Then he ran a shaky hand through his hair before straightening his suit coat and tie with as much dignity as he could manage.

“Sorry about that,” he told everyone, trying to regain his composure again. “If I said anything rude, I apologize. I was clearly not in my right mind.”

“So, no different than any other day,” Diego muttered under his breath.

Five shot him an irritated look, but said nothing. He turned to Lila. “Even though it was entirely unnecessary to stab me directly in the neck, you lunatic, thank you.”

“Happy to do it,” Lila grinned, slapping him hard on the back.

“Alright, then,” Five stated, rolling his shoulders back. “Let’s do this.”

As he took one step forward, the front door of the house swung wide open, revealing an older, and very sweaty and harried looking, version of himself. In his other self’s hands was a rifle that was trained directly at Five’s head.

“Don’t fucking move,” the other Five warned through gritted teeth.

Five paused, taking in the clearly psychotic version of himself before quipping. “Hey, asshole…the safety’s still on.”

As the alternate version lowered the weapon to check the safety, Five and Lila exchanged knowing glances with one another, before simultaneously blinking onto the porch. Appearing directly in front of himself, Five grabbed the rifle out of his doppelganger’s hands, while at the same time Lila stabbed the needle of the second syringe into his neck.

“AH! MOTHERFUCKER!” the other Five screamed, falling to his knees as he slapped a hand over the pinprick of blood that had started to seep out of the small puncture wound. “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU PSYCHO?”

Five threw the rifle down to Luther, who caught it in one hand, before turning to Lila. “Really? In the neck again? What is wrong with you?”

“I live for your pain.”

With a shake of his head, Five looked down at the panting, cursing version of himself. “Stop being a pussy. It’s not that bad.”

His alternate glared up at him. “Fuck you, Blue’s Clues.”

Lila laughed loudly. “Nice!” She held out her hand for a high five, but when she only received an icy glare from both men, she shrugged. “You’re too close to the situation, but trust me, that was hilarious.”

************************************************************************

“You have a lovely home, ma’am,” Luther said with an awkward smile as he sat scrunched on the couch between Klaus and Viktor.

The seven siblings, plus the older looking, alternate Five and his wife were gathered in the small living room. Five’s wife, who was introduced as Marie, sat perched on the arm of her husband’s chair, rubbing his back while he stared down his younger looking self.

“Thank you, Luther, that’s very kind.”

There was more awkward silence until finally Allison spoke up.

“Ok, so we obviously did not come here just for a friendly visit, although it is lovely meeting you two. However, we have a big problem. Our being in this timeline has caused a rift, so to speak, in the universe and now it’s trying to kill us.” She looked over at her smaller brother, who was standing with his hands shoved in his pockets, glowering angrily at his other self. “Five? Care to explain?”

Snapping reluctantly out of his stupor, Five faced his sister. “Right.” Then he addressed the other Five and his wife again. “So, as I’m sure you’ve noticed there are large energy waves pulsing over the city, erasing dogs and lobsters and now people.”

“Yeah, I have noticed. And I also happened to notice they started when Klaus here decided to follow me.”

Klaus started to protest, but Diego bumped him with his elbow, telling him to shut up. Five continued.

“Well, you are right about that. But it’s not Klaus’s fault, at least not solely. It’s all of ours. I thought we’d be able to remain here, just keeping a low profile, and live out our lives here. But, it seems the universe has other plans. So, we have accidentally created a kugelblitz and in a few short days it will destroy the entire universe.”

“Like a prolapsing rectum,” Lila added helpfully.

Both Fives looked at her with a frown and then turned back toward one another. The alternate Five set his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and steepling his hands under his chin. “So, you’re telling me that you group of assholes are the reason my family is going to be wiped out?”

Five nodded, actually looking a little sad. “I’m afraid so.”

“And you just came here to let me know, why? Just to give me a heads up? Mighty kind of you, thanks.”

Five gritted his teeth. “No, jacka—” He stopped mid-insult when Luther cleared his throat and gave him a look that said “Behave”. “No, that’s not why we came. We came…” He pushed a hand through his hair and he saw Marie bite back a smile as she recognized the same mannerisms as her husband. “We came to ask for help.”

“How am I supposed to help you? In case you forgot, James Bond, Jr., I AM you!” Marie gave him a pinch under his arm and the older Five jumped before looking just a tiny bit guilty. “Sorry.”

Five turned to his siblings, throwing his hands in the air. “See? I told you coming here was useless.” He turned to his doppelganger, leaning in with a caustic glare. “And just to remind you, shithead, I’m 28 years older than you, so watch your mouth.”

“Ok!” Luther jumped in, trying to salvage the conversation. “The thing is, Five,” he said, addressing the older version that was currently looking like he was considering punching his smaller self in the mouth. “We really do need your help. And you need his help. The two of you together are the only chance we have to stop this thing and get back to our correct timeline. Then you and your family, and the rest of the world, will be safe.”

“And how do you propose we do that?” the other Five said, tearing his eyes away from himself and turning to Luther. “My time travel math is just as shaky as his. I’ve been studying it my whole life, so it’s gotten better, but I still wouldn’t trust it. I certainly wouldn’t trust it with my wife and kids’ lives in question.” He placed a hand on his wife’s knee and squeezed it gently.

“Well, luckily, we won’t have to rely on just our powers,” Five explained, picking the black briefcase off the floor and holding it up for the other version to see.

“What the hell is that?”

Klaus piped up. “Remember I told you about the magical briefcase?”

The alternate Five nodded. “Yeah, I remember. So, how does it work?”

“Well, currently it doesn’t. Which is why we need you,” Five said.

The other Five took a skeptical look at the battered case. “How am I supposed to help? I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

Five sighed. “As it turns out, another version of ourselves created it, using our powers as its basic design. It’s one-hundred-percent reliable, unlike our blinks. That is, when the universe isn’t collapsing. Now, it’s a hunk of junk. That’s where you come in.”

“What makes you think I know how to fix it?”

Five’s mouth turned up at the corner with a smug smile. “Because, I know us. And I am willing to bet that you work in some sort of scientific field.” When he received no denial, he continued. “I am also willing to bet you have some sort of lab right here in your home where you’ve been working on time travel over the years, trying to perfect it.”

Marie laughed. “Wow, you are dead on with that. He’s made it his life’s work figuring out how to accurately time travel. Even when he was a teen, his mom said he was constantly in their basement working on it. She showed me pictures of him slumped over his desk, looking just like you actually, having fallen asleep while running his numbers. It was very cute.”

Five paused, thrown for a second by that comment. “His mom?”

The other Five nodded. “I was adopted after I jumped here,” he explained offhandedly. “So, what you’re telling me is that if we can get this briefcase up and running again, you can return to your rightful timeline, the universe will correct itself, and my family will be safe?”

Still dwelling on the fact that his other self had been adopted by different people, Five nodded slowly before collecting himself again. “Theoretically.”

The alt Five turned to look at his wife. “What do you think, darling?”

“Five, they’re your family, even if they aren’t from your same timeline. You told me how much you’ve missed them over the years, and now here they are! They need your help, and I know you can give it to them.” She brushed a piece of hair out of his eye with a sweet smile. “This is what you’ve been working towards. To use your powers for something good and big.” She kissed him, placing a hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes for a moment. “You can do this.”

He nodded and then turned back toward the group. “Ok, I will do what I can to help.”

“Thank you,” Allison breathed out with a sigh of relief. “Thank you, so much.”

“Better go show him your lab,” Marie told her Five. “In the meantime, you must all be starving. The kids were just next door playing, but I’ll have them come back and I’ll make dinner. Sound good?”

“I know I could eat,” Luther said excitedly while Viktor rolled his eyes at him.

“That would be lovely, Marie, thank you. Can we help?” Viktor asked.

************************************************************************

As the two Fives made their way down the basement steps, neither of them said a word. Five was still reeling from the brief bit of information he had just received about his 30 year-old self. This other Five had been adopted by someone other than Reginald. And from the sounds of it, they were nice, normal people. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, trying to clear his head and focus on what he needed to do. But it was extremely difficult when all he kept thinking about was how this alternate version of himself had been given the chance for a normal life while he just kept getting shit on over and over again. It was maddening to think about, and if he let it fester in his mind, he was going to go crazy.

Fuck, he needed a drink.

As his other self flipped the light switch on at the end of the stairs, the overhead lights flickered on with a quiet hum. Five stopped on the bottom stair and took everything in. The space wasn’t huge, but every single usable square inch was filled with something. Long work tables scattered with tools and notebooks, empty coffee cups and paper plates filled with crumbs. The walls were lined with white boards; each one crammed with lines and lines of familiar equations and scribblings. It was surreal to see his own handwriting and obvious work in a place he’d never set foot in before.

As he scanned over the jam-packed computer desk against the far wall, his eyes fell to the framed picture sitting amongst the clutter. It was the other version of himself, with Marie and his two kids. It must not have been taken that long ago, because the two adults looked the same. The kids in the picture looked to be about four and six. A girl and a boy. The four of the them were on a beach somewhere, the sun shining down and making the water behind them sparkle. The girl was perched on her dad’s shoulders, a pink sunhat on her head. The boy was standing in front of Marie, grinning widely with a plastic bucket and shovel in his hand. The other him was smiling directly at the camera, while his pretty wife looked lovingly over at him. Five had never seen himself smile like that before. He had no idea that’s what he looked like when genuinely happy. It was off-putting, to say the least.

“You ok?” the other Five asked gruffly when he realized his older yet smaller self seemed frozen to the spot.

 Five cleared his throat. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. So what is all this stuff?”

“Well, I’m sure you recognize the equations and proofs,” he said, pointing to the white boards. He gestured to the tables. “I’ve been working on developing a type of time travel system, much like that briefcase. Some sort of object that could be programmed specifically to a certain date and time, so we don’t have to rely solely on our powers. Like—”

“A watch,” Five finished for him.

The other Five nodded. “Exactly.”

“I never did understand the briefcase,” Five mused. “It’s so bulky.”

“I assume it’s bulletproof, though?”

Five scoffed. “Don’t get me started.”

“Well, anyways, have a look around. Maybe something here can help, I don’t know. I’ve never really tried it in practical application before. It’s always been theoretical.”

“That’s ok,” Five said, setting the briefcase on top of one of the tables. “We have this as a guide. We can see if the inner workings of the case make sense in comparison to your work here. Then maybe we can piece things together to create a working timepiece.”

The alternate Five nodded thoughtfully again, studying his other self. “Hang on,” he said before striding over to the desk and opening the bottom drawer. He pulled out a bottle of single malt scotch and two glass tumblers. After filling each one halfway, he handed one over to Five.

“I recognize the need for a drink,” he explained with a tiny twitch at the corner of his mouth.

Five accepted the glass, trying to disguise the fact that he was practically salivating at the sight. Needing a drink was an understatement. He wanted the whole damn bottle. But he didn’t need to be getting drunk at a time like this. And he also didn’t need to be showcasing his shortcomings to this clearly sober, well-adjusted, life-is-just-peachy-keen version of him, either. The fact that he was a raging alcoholic with unhealthy coping mechanisms didn’t seem pertinent to the current situation. Instead, he lifted the glass in a toast and took as generous of a swallow as he dared. The whiskey was smooth and it tasted so fucking good, Five had to silently tell himself to not slug the whole thing back in one gulp. He watched as the other him took a leisurely sip from his own glass. He probably goes to church every Sunday, too. Fucking Mother Theresa over here.

“So, where do you work?” Five asked, trying to change the subject.

“Over at the university.”

“Physics department?”

“Naturally.”

Five nodded. “That’s where I always figured I’d end up, too. Just…didn’t work out for me.”

“Yeah, what happened? Klaus said something about a different apocalypse?”

Five paused, staring into his glass. “Let’s just get to work, ok?”

The other version shrugged. “Sure thing.”

[finalfantasyx]

Like okay it actually makes me SO sad that Chu Kong loved his brother so much that in order to mitigate conflict everywhere by being with Cang Hai, he was willing to give up everything, including his name and title as the second prince of the Qilin clan since her identity couldn't be changed and WHAT does he get in return???

His beloved brother framing his wife, manipulating and essentially killing his sister-in-law, which then led to the events of his wife choosing to jump into the In-Between to save his life AND THEN his brother wiping his memories of the entire thing, taking over and lying to everyone in the six realms about what happened and then leaving Chu Kong clueless for THIRTY THOUSAND YEARS.

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS ASSHOLE.

I mean like I relate to Chu Kong a lot pre-memory wipe, and I just adore his character in general. Chu Kong tried his dang hardest to do what was best for everyone at his own detriment at EVERY turn, and THIS is the thanks he gets?????

Truly, I hate this man. Just about as much as I hate Ye Bingchang/Tian Huan from TTEOTM. Which is saying a lot.

[marenwithanm]

You know Zelda, most Links actually were children during their adventures. Breath of the Wild Link Georg who was over 100 years old was an outlier and should not have been counted

As you can see, I'm still not over the idea of a younger Link and older Zelda in alttp. She feels so bad about dragging a little kid into this whole mess 😭

[ratingboomercomics]

So I wanted to post a gay comic for pride month but when I looked up “gay boomer comic”(and I cannot emphasize enough)the only results were either homophobic or furries(idk what this was about but there was so much furries). Luckily Gary Larson came through. My friend in trying times

I gotta give this one 9/10 I think, I love Gary Larson obviously, it’s a solid pun, and I love the cow lesbian bar, that’s iconic(I always get a kick out of the cows)but it’s not the best Far Side out there. The best one is Cow Tools obviously

[caitlynmeow]

One way Alcina is fair with her daughters is how she resolved their fights when they were children. It’s usually Cassandra and Daniela, Daniela would come to Alcina crying, followed by a fuming Cassandra. Alcina doesn’t let the tears distract her, she always asks Cassandra to speak first, to explain what happened before she says anything herself.

More often than not, Daniela is the one who doesn’t listen to her older sister and Cass is quick to anger and the fight happens. Alcina never takes a side without listening first, and she always starts with Cassandra because she wants her middle daughter to be seen and heard.

Often, Alcina orders Dani to apologize to her sister because “she warned you plenty of times and you chose not to listen” and she’d lightly reprimand her unruly youngest

[rosenecklaces]

the types of brain you need to have to really be the kind of person to hold elain and nesta age as a ¨gotcha!¨ as evidence that they are oh so terrible about their first interactions with feyre... one of them is just like one year older if not two than her... yall now that, right. thats common knowledge... right?

i want all of you to tell me if youre mind and maturity at 21-22 changed completely from your 18-19 self all of a sudden, quickly

[anothermonikan]

feeling very objectum tonight. hello objectums. I love you

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

ethan don't look moment ....

[deus-ex-mona]

no thoughts, just the way the narumi sisters are so different yet fundamentally similar at the same time yk?

[theoryandahalf]

So...I should probably watch the other FNAF Musicals BEFORE I watch Dark Remains, right?

...Yeah I didn't do that. ...That was an experience.

[derpinette]

english used to be the normie filter & how you could tell someone was a Trve Internethead but after the DAMNED 2020 quarantine for obvious reasons EveryBody & They Momma is acceptably fluent so now i have to learn swedish or something. -_-