#THIS IS LIKE MY OWN PERSONAL CHRISTMAS
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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are the vibes off for anyone else this christmas or is it just me
#it’s 61 degrees#which i would prefer to freezing like it was last christmas#but also it’s all cloudy and gloomy looking#thems is just my own personal circumstances but i haven’t been feelin it like at all#i’m fuckin tired#it doesn’t FEEL like christmas but i don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like yfm#i am surrounded by loved ones this holiday but still#it’s off#people in the tags said it#it’s the genocide
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Listening to instrumentals from the silly doo-wee-ooo show is actually something that can be so painful.
#doctor who#doctor who music#murray gold#segun akinola#musings about music#this is specifically about 10's theme in vale decem. the long song in 11's regen piece. and clara's theme in face the raven / clara's diner#i get psychic damage everytime i simply hear the use of the motifs elsewhere because of the tragic associations those sadder renditions hav#obviously these songs aren't the only examples in doctor who but they are by far the most emotionally devastating ones for me personally#and obviously it isn't just leitmotifs either. basically hearing any piece that played during a sad scene gets to me.#how are you supposed to explain to your coworkers that you're tearing up because of instrumental sound association?#'yeah sorry these violins and humming sounds summoned vivid images of my favourite character dying/leaving and it made me sad'#love that composers can just straight up pavlov bell your emotions by getting you to associate a melody with a sad scene#an addition to this is doctor who instrumentals that make me nostalgic because I associate them with my own past#like 'this is gallifrey: our childhood. our home'. that song was one of my alarms for a good long while back when i was 15ish#so it kinda transports me back to that time in my life whenever i hear it. music really is its own little kind of time travel#i am very much looking forward to the continuing psychological damage murray gold will inflict upon me in the new season#and to have previously uplifting character leitmotifs used against me and forever be contaminated with sad feelings. love to see it#(also: not a instrumental but damn 'the stowaway' has no right being as good as it is. who knew a christmas sea shanty could sound so great#apologies for this probably niche-ish post (is it niche to know ost title's by heart? asking for friend). just feeling things about music
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uh oh I want to say something controversial
#it is not bad for me as a Christian to resonate with Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah in that way#just like it's not wrong for an islamic or jewish person to resonate with say catholic imagery wrt to their own beliefs#idek what the original context behind Hallelujah was bc Google isn't giving me anything relevant but I've seen people#criticizing how it's used at Christmas and made to mean something it wasn't intended to. but I think that it's possible#to respect a thing's original context while also being able to engage with it within our own#idk it's only relevant rn bc I'm thinking about hum hallelujah again and my Christian context for the WORD 'hallelujah'#is probably why I find the hope in it so easily#anyway.#delete later probably
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Being a true galaxy-brained Doctor Who fan is hitting the epiphany that every showrunner had their strengths and their weaknesses and their own interpretations of the Doctor and you can like or dislike any aspect of any showrunner and acknowledge their genuine mistakes/bad choices/yikes decisions (such as racism, sexism, homophobia, questionable undertones, lack of agency for female characters, etc.) and it is COMPLETELY VALID to have that turn you off of a Doctor/showrunner but also acknowledge that some of the things that people have considered bad writing over the years are often personal preference (valid opinion, not always valid fact) and that just as there are clunkers in every season, there's something to appreciate about every showrunner and every Doctor.
After all, "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
#listen i am in my doctor who renaissance and i love every doctor in their own ways and dislike/like every writer for at least one thing#not a fan of how steven moffat stripped amy & river of agency but loved the fairytale vibes & heaven sent & a Christmas Carol and Bill#adored the character writing for nine and ten and their companions but you cannot ignore a lot of the antiblack writing for RTD#love the stripped back/intimate storytelling of Season 11 & the Graham&Ryan arc & the writing of 13 as a character but Thasmin is underdone#& boy is that Nazi moment with the Master all kinds of screwed up#every actor to play a companion or a doctor is amazing#I'm a big fan of some of the “worst” episodes#love & monsters end of the world tsuranga conundrum resolution curse of the black spot my beloved#and really don't like some of the more popular episodes#wedding of river song time of the doctor twice upon a time girl in the fireplace etc.#but it's all personal preference#every doctor has some of the best episodes television has ever produced#it takes you away midnight heaven sent last of the time lords 3 parter boom town parting of the ways god complex vincent & the doctor#this is a show designed to be amazing and terrible and campy and episodic and constantly renewing itself and constantly trying new things#and I LIKE THAT#I LOVE THAT#ninth doctor#tenth doctor#eleventh doctor#twelfth doctor#thirteenth doctor#russell t davies#steven moffat#chris chibnall#meta
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for anyone who follows me and writes, fanfiction or original stuff... is it normal for pretty much no one in your personal in-person life to be interested in your writing? like i've got people who might read the odd short story i wrote, but usually if i ask someone to read something they just never do, and i never have anyone asking me about it, so like... is that normal?? does the average person not care if their friend or family member is working on a novel?
#i had a friend in sixth grade who was VERY enthusiastic about my writing#and i guess i never realized how special that was or how id never have that again#even with other writing people like....#and i KNOW people are busy and have their own busy lives but......#i tried to explain this to my parents (stupid) over christmas like... making it clear that i kind of got it but it still hurt mw#THINKING THEYD UNDERSTAND bc they are ARTISTS#but instead i got oh people are busy and your stuff is too scary for me personally#like ok yes I GET IT#but it's fucking discouraging when i pour my heart and soul and all my talent into work and NOBODY in my life cares enough to read it#or wonder about it#even with like... if i have a friend who's into something i wrote fic for i'll try to share the fic#but they wont read it#it's just a bummer#is this the universal writers curse?#writing
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Hanukkah starts on Christmas night this year, which is going to make the holiday season interesting. The last time Hanukkah was close to Christmas we had latkes at Christmas Eve Dinner, which was kind of funny.
Normally we do the main Hanukkah stuff (ie: my granny comes over with her menorah, we do latkes and dreidel and chocolate gelt, etc.) on a day when my dad is working late, but because of the timing and the fact that he mostly works from home now, that’s not going to happen. So I guess we’ll just have to pick a random day and my dad will stand there awkwardly? His interactions with Jewish stuff tend to be pretty hilarious (as in “a little confused but he’s got the spirit”).
I am at least glad that I’ll be home this year to celebrate with my granny though. I felt really sad last year when I couldn’t be at home and do our little compressed Hanukkah with my family. I hadn’t even realized it was important to me until I couldn’t do it.
#I’m sorry if my family’s weird mishmash is offensive#but like…my granny brought the latkes to Christmas Eve Dinner#we weren’t going to tell her she was appropriating her own culture#and who can turn down latkes?#personal#random#uh#religion#I guess
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#had a long detailed dream about Louis last night lmao#where we were basically like… good friends but still getting to know each other in person#and long story short he still was doing his own thing while also kind of hiding away at my family’s house#and he just became incorporated in our lives#and it felt so real? I was almost halfway disappointed when I woke up and he wasn’t eating cereal at the kitchen table lmao#sigh ah well. lol a lovely Christmas dream all the same
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ocd getting worse and worse and i'm trying very hard to find the balance between "staying informed and somewhat active regarding world events" and "spiralling because i feel so guilty for not being utterly miserable while people suffer"
#like idk why am i going to disney with my parents+brother for christmas instead of singlehandedly ending all violence on earth#and i'm sharing resources and donating to causes etc etc#and i'm just trying rlly hard to remind myself that my personal feelings have no moral value or material impact#like me feeling guilty for being arguably middle class in the imperial core wont make those things not true yk#and then like talking about my own feelings and centering myself while this is all going on ....#anyway i'm just!! idk venting? idk idk#my ocd has been getting worse steadily for like a year now and it's vv much hitting a wall lmfao#rye.txt
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guys look at this ask i got yesterday
anyways have u guys ever heard this shit? give it a listen song of the summer fr
#chat#omg putting this at the top of the tags but i dont ppl coming to myyyyyy defense i guess like this is one of the stupidest asks ive ever#in my life LOL. one of the stupidest asks ever directed at me i mean.#there was a midtown concert yesterday in nj#just using it to talk abt mid fucking town#AND I WASNT THERE#i was reallllyyyyyy thinking abt going (that shit is like a day away from me and i dont have the money for shit like that)#was thinking abt having my own early 2010s family trip movie where wacky shit happens and i have a panic attack and almost die or something#but i couldnt fit it into my schedule 😞#POSTING MIDTOWN REMINDS ME. i bought three cheers for sweet revenge record the other day 😁😁😁😁#and my midtown living well is the best revenge record finally shipped after i emailed the seller abt it. and that shits not coming#until after christmas. whatever. midtown and mcr albums that are making out#SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT both midtown vinyls lwitbr and stwltg at the same time#but the shipping that 1 and one shirt took pissed me off bc i literally ordered the stuff one month ago exactly 😭😭😭#and didnt get a tracking number until i asked.#whatever. thinking of buying that one hot mess vinyl bc they dont have any pressings of#any other cobra albums. unless im not looking good enough. sneefle sneefle#thinking of other albums to buy. im not an album person really i have to really like something or like the general vibe of something to#buy it idk. like the mcr album LOL#Spotify
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I am so sick of my mum policing what I'm eating all the damn time. I'd get it if i was overweight but I'm just a little bit chubby. And I work from home so I'm not getting exercise but I'm not overeating. And I eat certain things like takeaways on Saturdays cause I'm fucking depressed and it helps sometimes. And i'm bloody 26. It's got nothing to do with her or anyone how much or what I eat. I'm an adult and it's my body so its my choice ffs
#rant over#god i just want out of my house!#like don't get me wrong#i love my mum#but when she's drunk or just particularly annoying i wish i had my own place#and only came over at the weekends#cause its just too much sometimes#it's nealy Christmas for god's sake#and it just feels like i want to get away!!#ugh i hate my life sometimes#personal
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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Decided on a very Thasmin scene from At Childhood's End as a reading for university, and now I realised I haven't actually spoken much English out loud these past few days, and my energy is low, meaning I stumble over my words. Hu.
#I'm also a bit sick#thought i couldn't make BOTH my texts about the Paternoster Gang so now one is Thasmin and one is the final bit of A Perfect Christmas 😂#sure hope this isn't TOO MUCH direct speech now#i had a scene from The Ruby Curse by the one and only Alex Kingston in mind first#but that had only like three short lines of dialogue#Hearing my own voice is back to slightly weird cos it sounds ill rn :(#anyway yes i am making that entire assignment about Doctor Who :D#doctor who#thasmin#personal
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real talk in the tags for a second because i have a crush on a girl and i. a hehe. ahehehe.
will be burying this in reblogs and never touching on it again
#so random disclaimer this girl is like a year older than me and in high school it’s like a nono for older and younger batch to like be#a thing so i know i generally have no chance but i like to live in my own insanity and the progression of my crush on her has been absolute#ly cuckoo bananas. so like it started out as ‘i wanna be your friend’ and progressed into ‘shit they’re really pretty’ to ‘wow ur so??’ to#‘fuck i like them’ and then it died down and then by all golly it came back but more of a hallway crush now which is bearable bc i’m#not really a part of their life?? like we know each other but we don’t wave and shit and we don’t like ever interact that much so i was lik#ok this is fine bc they literally never think of me so i’m just admiring from afar. and the FIRST inciting incident was i request them onig#and i expect to not get accepted because according to their friends they onyl accept close friends and i’m like k this is a bad idea probs#but the worst that could happen is i get left in their follow requests right?? RIGHT?? but then within like two hours of reqing. lord.#i got. ACCEPTED. and they requested back. and suddenly it’s +1 tangibility like ok?? maybe we’re not as strangers as i thought we were#i later discovered i was not that special for this but also?? cool?? anyways for a while it kind of laid dead and we never spoke at all eve#tho i was in their acc now (at this time they barely posted but whenever they did it was so?? funny like they would slap the randomest shit#on that acc) and it was still a hallway crush altho my friends r awful (/pos) people who would always make me pass their hallway and i#would run into them so often but at this point we only ever like exchanged glances and they would walk right past me like i wasnt even ther#but THEN the second incident happened which was basically we had to play instruments for this christmas event thing and bc they’re literall#y amazing they played for it and i was roped into it and. i was so gay the whole time. bc who wears a leather jacket to school and gets the#prettiest haircut ever right on the last day before a long break?? and the worst part is whenevr something confusing happened they would#turn to me and this one other person and we’d b laughing together. like we r friends. and they’re so fucking nice they were checking up on#us the whole time i was literally dying i kept dropping my pick and stealing looks AURURUGH and they’re so gen funny and interesting i just#and the first few days of holiday break i just couldn’t stop thinking abt them it was so bad? like that was the moment where i was genuinel#like is this more than a hallway crush… eventually it died back down until the next event we had to play together where they were being SO#SO much more comf w me? like exchanging knowing looks when smt funny happens and that stuff.. at this point i didnt even know what to like#think of my crush on them so i just let it be yk. atp they’re not even waving at me in the hallways at all still so maybe they’re just bein#nice! BUT NO. THAT IS UNTIL I AUDITIONED FOR A BAND (theyr in charge of accepting) AND THEY ACCEPTED ME WHICH COOL BUT LIKE A DAY LATER I#HEARD FROM OUR MUTUAL FRIEND THAT THEY SAID ‘yeaa im so happy i got (my name)’ AS IN IN THE BAND. LIKE. HELLO?? HI U THIUGHT ABT ME?? and#during the first band mtg where everyone’s all awk they kept making eye contact w me and asking if i was good and making sure i got to say#smt before anyone made a decision and it. murdered. me. i’m sorry maybe it’s the fanfic writer in me or this shit is literally nothing and#think they’re just nice to everyone but who cares bc it means they’re nice to ME too. and then last week happened. which was like the nail#in the coffin. INTERACTION ACTIVITY. I IMPULSIVELY ASK IF THEY WANNA B GROUPMATES AND THEY SAY YES. THEY ONLY TALK TO ME AND THEIR FRIENDS.#I ACT STUPID. THEY ALUGH AND TOUCH MY SHOULDER. I ASK ABT THEIR CAMERA AND THEY GO ON A LONG-ISH (cute) RANT ABT SMTH. THEY ASK WHY I HAVE#BIG ASS STACK OF POST ITS. WE TALK. THEY LAUGH AT MY JOKES. SUDDENLY. THEY SAY A FULL HELLO IN THE HALLS. THEY WAVE AT ME A DAY LATER. FUCK
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my friend let me borrow her molecular modeling kit for my summer intensive ochem and i had probably too much fun making aspirin with it
#in my defense i'm writing up the lab procedure for synthesizing it and was like “ooooh what does it look like as a ball and stick model”#anywho i might ask my parents to get me my own kit for christmas just because it's fun to mess around with lol#stem major shenanigans#personal
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The new blanket I got is purple with glow in the dark stars and constellations but unfortunately I sleep with a lamp on to keep the suffocating weight of the darkness away
#okay the blanket is actually part of a full bedset which#i have never owned a matching bedset in my life#and have been using the same blanket since i was like 8#but when we were at my grandma's for christmas i mentioned offhand that i needed new sheets#bc we didnt have any for a full bed (mine) and i was just using an old stained queen one#and she just goes 'oh i have an extra bedset for a full bed do you want it?'#and i was like ??? yeah????? if you dont need it????????#and she brings out a brand new kids purple star set and im just standing there like what. what. i love purple. that's the cutest bedset wha#AND SUDDENLY I HAVE A FULL BEDSET WITH FITTED SHEETS THE CORRECT SIZE??????#took me over a month to finally have the spoons and the commitment to change to make the switch sjxkdk#i was ecstatic abt the sheets but i was wary abt the blanket and the pillow cases#bc previously i was using some super soft pillow cases i stole from a different bedset (there's a story to that but anyway)#and of course the same blanket I've been using for over a decade#which was pretty worn I'll admit but it smelled like me idk i found it comforting#it was twin sized so it didn't really fit my bed but i basically just become a burrito or perhaps a poorly folded taco to sleep so meh#and yeah i could've just taken the sheets and stuck to my old blanket but the set was so cute.. i wanted my bed to be cute now#turns out. just like the packaging says. it's really soft#the pillow cases probably aren't as soft as the other ones but ig i barely notice#only downside is that the stiffer side of the blanket (the glow in the dark side) rustles easily#which for a 'tuck the blanket up to my ear and under my chin' kinda person is kind of annoying#but im committed. or whatever. so ✨#jay yells#if you've read this far congrats now you know abt my relationship with bedding
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