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we-are-inevitable · 4 years ago

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modern art // javid (ch. 1)

A/N: hi !! so some of you may remember an old songfic i did in march of last year, titled ‘modern art’ after the song “IDK You Yet” by Alexander 23. well, i’ve always thought that that one shot would work great as a stand alone fic, and here we are! i have ch. 1 edited and SO MUCH of it as changed- like, for example, the fic is a chapter fic now !! regardless, i hope you guys like this !!

WARNINGS: depression, anxiety, self-deprecation, past addiction, mentions of addiction, just general Bad Times- pls be mindful when reading !! it’s just very Not Happy rn ADDITIONAL INFO: all characters are in their mid-twenties in the fic. oh also this is probably important but it’s a soulmate au !!

Read On AO3!

tag list: @bound-for-santa-fe @wannabecowboypunk @shippingcannons @yahfancyclamwiththepurlinside @smallsies @deliciouspeachpirate @newsies-is-my-erster

Jack doesn't know what’s going on with himself, but he knows that he could really use his soulmate right about now.

They’ve communicated before. Never verbally, and never enough to reveal who they were. Perhaps they are both just... dealing with some unspoken fears, dealing with the worry of rejection sitting heavy in their chests. Perhaps they both like this mystery- the uncertainty that came with the notes scrawled across their bodies in a handwriting that isn’t their own.

Or perhaps they just aren’t ready to take the plunge. To grow up and face the harsh fact that, as soon as they meet, wherever and whenever that may be, a new chapter of their life will unfold. Consume them. Change anything and everything they’ve ever known or held dear.

They had been braver when they were children, that much was true. Jack remembers staying up late often, writing notes on his skin and watching in awe as the replies appeared. He remembers the giddy rush of trying to quickly wash off the ink on his wrist when they ran out of space to talk, and, oh, how they talked. There were school days when Jack would go to class exhausted, feeling like he’d been walking through quicksand for miles on end, but all of it had been worth it. The exhaustion he felt had been worth being able to talk to them until two, three, four in the morning. Sometimes he regretted it, of course, but only because it was harder for him to focus in class. Never because he was upset at them.

He could never be upset with them.

Even now, Jack remembers a lot about his soulmate. They liked music. They knew how to play the piano. They were into a few video games, even some that Jack had never played, and said that they always tried carrying a book with them wherever they went. Jack remembers that, as a younger kid, they liked Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, but also liked analyzing Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe and a bunch of other fancy authors that Jack had never even heard of. They were intimidatingly smart, and sometimes, would carefully correct Jack’s grammar whenever he misspelled a word or something- but they were never mean about it, they were just… there. A steady presence that he could count on.

Fifteen year old Jack dreamed of finding them one day. But now, twenty-five year old Jack is losing hope.

He can’t exactly help it. For starters, he and his soulmate haven’t communicated in… well, shit, it had to be nearly a year. Maybe nine months or so, but there’s no way to tell for sure, and even then, their conversations since reaching adulthood have been dull, for lack of a better word. A few positive comments here, a ‘have a good day’ there- it’s all so mundane, and neither of them can be blamed for it. They both have busy lives- or, well, Jack does, at least. His job as a graphic designer is hard enough on its own, but the added pressure of doing freelance work and commissions on the side has been eating away at him for weeks, coupled with debilitating self-doubt and lack of motivation for… anything.

Saying that he’s overwhelmed is the understatement of the century.

There is always another design, another client, another meeting, another deadline, another sleepless night as he stares at a blank canvas and prays for a spark of inspiration from whatever God is listening. Usually his inspiration comes from the world around him- his friends, city life, even the quiet confines of his apartment, but right now... Jack is stuck. He had holed himself up in his room days ago, trying and failing to get out of bed every morning when the time came to work- and thank God that the majority of his work could be done from home. His boss was understanding, too, to an extent.

Still, though, there’s a constant heavy weight on his chest that prevents him from moving most days, and he’s lucky if he even gets up long enough to shower or eat or do literally anything aside from lie in silence and count the cracks in his ceiling.

Nothing had happened to him recently to bring this on, from what he can tell. Jack has always been the happy-go-lucky leader, the man with a plan, the guy who always knew just what to say to motivate others into doing the best thing for themselves, but when that responsibility is reflected back onto himself, Jack feels helpless. There are words waiting to be said, sketches waiting to be drawn, designs waiting to be sent to clients… yet Jack lies there, motionless in his room for three days before he even has the energy, the willpower, to pull back his curtains and allow the sunlight to shine through. There is so much he wants to do, so much he needs to do, but he can't bring himself to do any of it.

In all twenty-five years of his life, through all of the things he’s been through, the ups and downs and foster homes and graduations and birthdays and funerals and therapists and rehab facilities and whatever the fuck else life decided to throw at him, Jack has never felt so worthless, so… lonely. His closest friends are all moving on with their lives. Many have already found their soulmate, have settled down and hidden their rowdy, rambunctious pasts behind skeletons in a closet. They’d all gotten their adventures done and over with in high school and college, and most are moving onto bigger and better things in life. They have careers. Families. Some have children, others have pets, a few have an insane amount of plants to care for.

All have seemingly left Jack behind in the dust.

No one told him when to flip the switch.

No one told him when he had aged out of adventure.

Now, they would never say it, but Jack knows. He knows. Saturday hangouts and trips to the bar had been replaced by Sunday church services and playdates for the kids. Rather than hearing yelling from his living room after his friends had all been teetering just on the edge between tipsy and fucked up, Jack hears the news, and documentaries, and podcasts, and the ghosts of a past life that he still seemed to be desperately clinging on to.

Katherine had been the one to tell him that he needed to grow up, though she didn’t put it in such a blunt manner. No, she’s just.... gently urging him to find a bigger apartment, or buy matching furniture from a place that is not a thrift store, or purchase dishes that weren’t of the plastic Walmart brand. She says it was because she wants to see him in a more professional, "adulty" lifestyle, but he knows it’s really because she can see that he’s a mess.

Deep down, Jack knows she’s right. She’s always right.

He just can’t help but feel cemented in place, dreaming of the past while dreading the new future ahead of him.

Jack never asked to feel so broken for no reason. All of the hope and optimism he had felt as a teenager was gone, lost in a sea of uncertain plans and shitty jobs and bill extensions and canvases dropped onto the floor with no rhyme or reason. And, yes, maybe Jack would look dramatic to someone who didn’t know his situation, but Jack knows what dramatic feels like. Dramatic feels like watching his best friend, Charlie, belt onstage in front of a backdrop that he helped create for the school play. Dramatic feels like laughing at the top of his lungs while walking through a random gas station at two in the morning, joined by Race and Al, all while higher than a kite. Dramatic feels like driving to the outskirts of the city with Katherine, climbing onto the roof of an old building and screaming about all of their stress, their anxiety, their insecurities, just to have some form of emotional release.

Dramatic doesn’t feel like sadness. It’s not supposed to.

Not for Jack.

He had been so… so happy, as a teenager. Proud and defiant and carefree. He was the kind of guy to skate and smoke weed in Central Park until midnight and take a math test at eight in the morning the next day. He was the kid who stood on a table in the cafeteria and came out as bisexual to everyone around him, just because of a dumbass bet that he didn’t even get paid for. He was the boy who wasn’t at all good in an academic sense, but who always knew how to talk himself out of trouble, who always came up with the most ridiculous- or most believable- lies to cover his ass when he needed it, who was always the class favorite, the teacher’s pet without meaning to be.

Jack had felt on top of the world back then, but now he’s struggling to even get off of the ground. The longer time goes on, the more lost Jack feels inside his own life. He feels like something was missing, something big. Something bigger than himself.

When his mother was alive, which now felt like lifetimes ago, she would often echo this old wives’ tale about how it’s best to find your soulmate while you’re younger, just to save them- and yourself- the pain of being alone for a long time. Jack had always kind of believed her; logically, he knew it was true, but he had always told himself that it wouldn’t happen to him. That he would be fine alone, though it wouldn’t be ideal, and that he would have plenty of time for soulmates after he got out and made a name for himself.

He’s starting to think, though, that maybe she was right. Maybe Jack had waited too long to make a move, to make contact again, because now, he just feels nauseous even thinking about it.

Don’t get him wrong, he knows the negative effects of self deprecation and not taking his own mental health seriously, he’s been to rehab before, blah, blah, blah, but, fuck, how could he put his soulmate through something like this? This fucked up state of mind he has now. Jack can’t even imagine talking to Katherine about this, and Katherine had been his best friend for over a decade. He can’t just meet his soulmate now- it’s been too long, he’s too messed up, they won’t like him, they’ll hate him for not trying hard enough, and Jack will just end up alone again, wasting away in his bedroom because no one fucking cares. No one cares. He has nobody.

That’s not true. He has Medda, his mom, his savior, his impulse control, but the thought of telling her that everything is acting up again makes him want to scream. He has Tony, but Tony has Al, and Tony and Al have a kid- a sweet little five year old girl who calls Jack ‘Uncle Jackie’ and takes no shit from anyone. He has Katherine, but Katherine has her soulmate- this dude named Darcy, who Jack doesn’t have much of an opinion on because they just met, like, a month ago, and Jack hasn’t exactly been emotionally ready for a hangout session between the three of them. He also has Charlie, and Charlie has certainly seen him in worse times- like when Jack was kind of hooked on pills for the entirety their freshman year of college- but Charlie has grad school to worry about and Charlie would hate him if he bothered him with this.

Still, there are other people who would listen, probably. He could easily talk to Elmer, or Romeo, or Specs, or Jojo or Finch or Sean or a fucking therapist but that’s just it, isn’t it? If he talks, he burdens, and Jack Francisco Kelly would rather run himself into the ground than be a burden anyone.

So, he makes a vow.

He makes eye contact with his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He’s gripping onto the sink, holding on for dear life, as he stares into his own sunken eyes. He takes in his appearance. Damp, messy hair, falling down to cover his forehead. Pale skin, which isn’t normal at all. Dark circles have taken their place around his eyes, and his smile- one of his favorite things about himself- is… nonexistent.

Distantly, Jack registers himself dumping a full bottle of ibuprofen into the sink. And then, he does the same thing with the bottle of melatonin from his medicine cabinet. The valium follows. He lets the water run for a long time. It's not that he doesn't trust himself- he'd done so, so good in rehab, and he doesn't even feel urges that often anymore- but it's better safe than sorry, especially since he's like... this.

This is not the Jack Kelly he’s used to anymore. This is not the Jack Kelly he wants to be.

But this Jack Kelly is the one who vows not to reach out. The one who vows to only answer when his soulmate is ready, and maybe not even then.

He doesn’t have to wait long, though.

Not when a heart appears on the back of his hand the next morning.

It’s there when Jack wakes up, and, honestly, it almost brings Jack to tears- but not necessarily for happy reasons. Sure, Jack wants to be happy. Who wouldn’t be happy after seeing something like this? A lopsided heart drawn in red ink, right on the back of his left hand- it was the definition of a symbol, of a romantic gesture, and Jack wants so badly to write back, to strike up conversation, to draw a goddamn heart, but… he can’t.

He can’t, and that’s horrible of him, and he knows it.

Right now, though… Jack can’t even work up the courage, the energy, to call his mom.

His soulmate, whoever they are, is going to have to wait.

#if u wanna be added to my tag list just let me know !!#newsies #jack kelly #david jacobs #davey jacobs #javid #javey #newsies broadway #newsies musical #newsies fic #newsies fanfiction #newsies fanfic #livesies #toursies #jac writes #jac txt.

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ziracona · 4 years ago

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the way ILM is the only fic that's actually made me cry... trying so hard to capture that level of emotion for a scene im writing in a fic rn, do you have any advice about writing scenes like that, or about how you get into the right headspace?

Totally! Although it helps to know specifics. Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, because the way I write is very unusual and might be hard to do (and moderate). So, I did acting before I really got into writing or any of the various other things I’ve done (film, VA work, etc). And I kind of approach everything from an acting lens. I method act when I act, and I write the same way. I get intensely into character, and write the character through myself. This is a really useful and good way to write, but you should do it in controlled moderation (just like method acting). Do not be me and get so into character you accidentally give yourself trauma writing something like The End of the Line. The plus of basically acting what you write is it makes understanding what characters will do or say next very easy. It also makes it a lot easier (for me anyway) to get in touch with and have a good handle on emotion and translate it well. The downside of that is probably any section of ILM that made you cry, I was sobbing for over an hour writing. It works, but it takes a toll. I wrote the end section for Rin in one night and it physically exhausted me. When writing ODE for a friend, the fic I’m updating now (beside NDF), I regularly sent him screenshots of my shirt literally soaked through with tears.

Now, this is not remotely the only efficient way to write emotion—or to act it! It’s just the way that comes most naturally to me, so it’s the one I have the most experience trying to describe or recommend. If it doesn’t work for you, there are /tons/ of other ways that will. Moving on from my basic process, here’s some actual advice:

The scene you are writing, you say you want to be really emotional. I would assume that means that what happens in it is deeply meaningful to you, and you would like to/feel like you or anyone could/should cry for the event. Because it’s significant. Try to find what it is that you have that feelings towards in the scene, because it won’t be just like, X character dies. There’s always more that goes with it. Is it sad because they’re dying alone, or because they thought they would, but they have a friend, and it’s so precious to them? Try to find the meaning behind the event, and focus on that. In acting, it’s considered very bad direction to tell your actor something like “act sadder”, because that’s not an actionable command. What is sadder? You’re supposed to give them an actual thing they can do, not a concept to embody. So something like, “convince him you will never forget him, before he dies and it’s too late to tell him,” is a much better direction. That’s actionable. I’d say a lot of that applies to writing too. If someone is dying, focus on what that means, to them, to whoever is with them. If someone is being told they’re loved for the first time, how does that feel—are they miserable with guilt, are they at peace? And how is that actually shown.

It can help a lot to focus on that. To focus on specific actions that have a lot of meaning, like holding out your hand for someone who isn’t going to come. It can also help to find a central emotion to a scene, the heart kind of as it were, and then to build around it. Trying to think of an example, in ILM, one of the earliest scenes to make me cry was Quentin’s near death in The End of the Line. Obviously it’s upsetting he’s being killed, and by the single worst person in his life, who has been hunting him literally since he was a child. And there’s the desperation of everyone trying to save him, and how much they are suffering, the unfairness of how hard he’s trying to save himself, and that it’s not enough, but what makes that scene truly impactful is that he’s kind of out of it and he thinks his Dad is close enough to hear him and come save him and he could be okay, but he doesn’t. That’s what makes the scene breaking. There’s also the moment he accepts he’s going to die and prays about it and tries to comfort himself, telling himself it’s okay he’s going to die because he did the best he could and tried all the way to the end. That’s a very brave sentiment, but it’s also really fucking awful and pitiful and depressing to see someone in that situation being the only person there to tell themself it is okay their abuser is about to murder them, and no one is going to save them this time. And everything else that chapter is framing those two moments. It’s not that he’s dying, it’s that he is dying utterly alone, and with no one to comfort him, and that he knew he would, and he couldn’t escape it, and no one could save him. It’s the absolute consuming loneliness. The other half of the chapter is the group trying to save him, willing to go through literally anything for it. So it’s a race to see if he /will/ die alone, if he will ever even get to know they tried, or what they’d go through for him, or if it will all be for nothing, and even though in the end he doesn’t get killed, the threat of it is real and awful enough while it’s being experienced that it carries a lot of weight.

As far as headspace goes, for me, I get into character. I try to think and feel as incredibly miserable as my characters (Uh, to a safe extent preferably. Again, I’ve overshot the mark and fucked myself up before. Try not to do that :’-]). I feel how they feel, and if I write with the emotion they have, usually it carries over. So I guess the best advice I can give for headspace is just try to care as much about and for your characters as you can. I’m sure not every author would say this, but I tend to look at writing as I can’t expect someone reading my story to care /more/ about it than I do, so if I want it to matter, it has to really matter to me too. I get invested and care like the characters are my kids, and I want them to succeed and be happy. Even if sometimes I have to write them fail, or die. I try to approach it like I am keeping a faithful narrative for real people who really mattered, in a way. Like I’m witnessing them. And that helps.

Anyway, I am sorry if that isn’t super helpful. I am not always the best at translating things I understand and feel very well, into terms other people can easily understand. Despite my best efforts. 😔 I am very happy to try to elaborate or explain further if there are specifics I could do so on that might help. Uh, I guess as a very basic last piece of advice, if all of this is kind of confusing or hard to follow, just. Whatever makes it a scene to you like the ones in ILM that made you cry—whatever makes it a story segment that should be cried over. Try to find that element. That makes it...important, and vital, and painful, and makes it matter that it /is/ painful, and try to connect to that. Try to feel that element, and to write that feeling down. If you have ever been really depressed and written poetry, or even a few lines of just journaling, talking about something very personal and raw and ugly or hard or unchangable, it’s kind of like that. Find that. And describe it like you would something painful to yourself. If it can resonate with the people reading, if it’s written brutally honestly, whether it is pretty or not, it will.

#ask #writing #writing advice #officious-seeing-eye-bitch #I hope this helps I’m sorry if it doesn’t :’-]#I am not always good at translating myself even if I understand myself really well

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coldflasher · 6 years ago

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Fic Writer’s Year In Review

I was mentioned by @silas-lehnsherr and @sophiainspace - thank you! this is such a nice way to look back on the year :D

General Fic Stats for 2018:

Word Count: 172,163

Number of fics: 7

Most Popular by Kudos:

aftermath

this fic is my baby and ate 2-3 years of my life - i entirely blame this fic for the reduced amount of things i’ve posted for this fandom, because it’s uh... long.

summary: this fic is a rewrite of season 1 of the flash, but with barry and len dating from the onset. unsurprisingly, this causes complications. technically the third in a series but can also be read as a standalone.

the fic is finished but i’m posting one chapter at a time - we’re currently on episode six and it’s uh. over 100k. that tells you everything you need to know about this fic probably

My Favorite Fic To Write:

i already mentioned aftermath, which i adored, so im gonna talk about sticks and stones - a constangreen angst-fest. this was my first time writing constangreen and i had a blast with constantine as a character; dialogue is my fave, and i heard his voice so clearly, it was so fun mimicking his speech patterns. also gary is a cutie.

summary: the last time john constantine got involved with a guy named gary, it didn’t go so well. keeping gary at arm’s length seems like the best way to save his soul - too bad john’s drunk self has other ideas.

Funniest Fic:

i don’t know that i write many funny fics, per se, although i do like to include funny moments. but i guess the best fit would be take me out tonight. the idea was probably funnier than the execution, but i had a good time writing it haha.

summary: barry and len are having a nice, quiet date. unfortunately, central city’s metahuman population has other ideas.

Fluffiest Fic:

the promise

this is a coldray fic that grabbed me and basically forced me to write it. also lowkey angsty cos i’m a monster whoops BUT THE ENDING IS FLUFFY I SWEAR.

summary: leo is returning to earth x to propose to the love of his life, and mick has the perfect ring. aka mick is finally ready to move on and figures his partner’s ring will do more good on ray terril’s finger than it will in his pocket.

Saddest Fic:

faces to the moonlight

this one was for the coldflash valentines day event. somehow i took a nice prompt like slow-dancing and made it sad because, as mentioned, i suck.

summary: this year barry allen’s valentine is a memory he can’t seem to let go of. aka barry spends the night dancing with a ghost in ferris airfield and mourning missed opportunites. and leonard. who is dead. happy valentines day!!!

Most Challanging Fic To Write:

wow, can i say aftermath again. im gonna say aftermath again. the final draft is OVER 300k SO I THINK THIS IS JUSTIFIED

Fic I’m Proudest of Writing:

aftermath, hands down. i don’t have a huge pool of fics to choose from this year, but The Fic That Ate Three Years Of My Life will always be one of my proudest achievements.

Least Popular Fic:

faces to the moonlight again! this is fair, it’s pretty sad. i don’t blame y’all for not wanting to do that to yourselves.

Honourable Mentions:

shoutout to all the fics that i haven’t finished yet!! none of these have titles cos titles are my kryptonite. hoping to finish and post these in 2019, fingers crossed.

1. the coldflash vegas fic.

i have a horrible first draft of this and intend to rewrite it when i have the time! this was based off something we talked about in my old dctv discord chat, flashtrash, which i left basically because i got super busy and forgot to talk and then got too anxious to ever speak again so i just kind of. disappeared. oops.

anyway this fic was fun but i was depressed and burnt out when i wrote it and it deserves better. barry and len get whammied during a metahuman altercation and suddenly decide that getting married is the best idea ever. funnily enough, team flash disagrees. the fic is basically about barry and leonard running away to vegas to get married and team flash frantically trying to catch up to them before they make A Mistake. i really do love this fic and i wanna finish it but my creative writing degree is eating all my time rn... sigh

2. the dark!iris/killer frost fic

this one is slowly coming along and i reckon i’ll finish it soon...ish? when i have time?

after her brief stint as the flash, iris becomes obsessed with becoming a speedster for real. the solution is to steal barry’s powers, obviously. when killer frost finds out, iris thinks it’s game over - but as it turns out, they make a pretty good team.

basically, it’s about villain!iris and killer frost falling in love and stabbing everyone else in the back. it’s terrible, i’m obsessed with it.

General Writing Impressions:

I haven’t had as much time to dedicate to fic this year because I’ve been devoting myself more to original projects. I’m doing a creative writing degree and so a lot of my energy has gone towards that. however, I do miss writing fic - it’s so nice to write just for fun, you know? no goals of publication, no impending grade that will, inevitably, make me feel bad about something i loved and was proud of... just writing for the love of it. i do miss that.

in 2019 i’d like to strike a balance. of course my degree comes first, but i want to make time to write some (shorter) fics this year - it reminds me of why i love writing and why i want to do this. overall i’m never going to be a prolific fic writer who writes like, 100 short fics because i find them very hard, but i’d like to write more short fics and explore more pairings and just have fun, let loose and enjoy the process of writing fics whenever i get the chance.

Writers You Should Read:

again I haven’t dedicated enough time to reading fics recently :( (i read over 130 books instead because apparently i always lean massively one way or the other. it’s either all fics or all books?? wild.) but here are some writers who wrote fics i enjoyed very much!

@sophiainspace , sandrineshaw (sandrine), crimsondomingo (of course!), harleygirl2648, katyakora, barrylen and more!

(i don’t tend to tag people because uhhh anxiety, but feel free do this and say i tagged you!)

#personal

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survivor-iceland · 5 years ago

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Ep. 10 - “[SCREAMS]” - Dylan C

Dylan C

/FIRST/ EOE CHALLENGE???

Raffy

I'm kind of sad that I knew that they wouldn't have kept me regardless of what I said. So, I don't want to work with these people, but I have to put my best foot forward.

Maynor

Well things didnt go according to plan. But atleast i told Raffy that i was considering Keeping after me and Dylan started talking. Atleast my core groupd Me Timmy Joseph and Stephen are still intact. Dylan is still on our side. Maybe something with Raffy. And Jack is a wild card. All i want is to make it to the end and im going to play my ass off. ❤️Jay.

Raffy

Jack is immediately latching on to me. I think I can get him on my side which means I need 1 more person to tie. Or at least, I need those 4 to survive this next round so that we have majority at F7 against Timmy, Maynor, and Jack. It probably has to be Dylan because Joseph would not trust him. In fact, I think I want Joseph to go this round more than anything else.

Jack

Okay, i came back in being like REVENGE MAYBE and now im like damn Stephen's pretty chill. Dylan and Joseph seem like maybe they'd go along with a vote with me, and Raffy and Ellie seem tight and like they'd come with. I'm probably being dumb and imma be voted out but I've got a thought about getting out either Maynor or Timmy. Thing about Maynor is that he Stephen seem tight (?) so idk how'd he got for that, and no offense Timmy, but the only thing i've heard about him is HE FLIPPED ON THE VOTE BRO. So like idk if imma trust that. Me and Raffy seem tight and like an alliance with him and Ellie, and maybe pull Dylan and or Joseph. Also maybe vote him or Maynor or Timmy out like that. But also make him think i'm working with him. And also maybe secretly actually work with him? Or maybe voting out joseph or dylan. It all depends on who wins the immunity (which Jay is still deciding) but yeah. Also Rafy hates Joseph and im like but i wanna maybe use him

Jack

Chatted with Ellie tonight, reaffirmed the her me and raffy thing, and like set out maybe her reaching out to joseph and dylan about a plan to vote for either timmy or stephen (im leaning towards timmy cause honestly i like stephen more and think that down the line we could work together you know?) I also proposed a thing where Ellie and I both separately go to stephen (i already kinda been doing that) and be like "woe is me whatever shall i do i totally dont wanna work with raffy, who do YOU wanna vote for" and hopefully from that shell tell me if they're gunning for me *cough idol* Hopefully my very nice and perfect on paper plan works out, but also like hopefully anything but me going out happens so yeah. Also is it bad that i'm mostly leaning towards timmy cause hes like not tlaked to me much at all and i dont know the guy?

Raffy

Maynor winning immunity is a huge bummer, but I have to somehow gather the votes to keep myself in this game. I was probably so close to winning, but I'm just depressed now. Hopefully the groundwork I laid out last round comes to fruition.

Raffy

Joseph tends to do this thing where he gives you unsolicited advice about how you should play your game. It's the most annoying thing because I a) did not ask and b) do not need it. I know he's trying to help, but it gets annoying with every time he does it. It gets my blood boiling.

Also, I asked Joseph if he'd be willing to vote out either Stephen or Timmy because Maynor/Stephen/Timmy are a strong alliance. He says he can't which makes me feel two different things. They are all in a four person alliance together, or Joseph is a coward that can't do anything for himself. He latches onto people like a parasite, and he is slowly eating more and more hay, becoming more and more of a goat. And I don't think he realizes it which is the funny thing. So, in essence, I don't need the advice from a goat. His reasoning was the he cant vote against a strong alliance, but that's exactly why you should vote against them. Nonetheless, someone is at the bottom and not all four of them are making it to FTC. So, we'll see how that attitude pays off for him (Spoiler: It won't).

Maynor

I am so happy i got to win immunity. 3 pet stores and pets of friends, i got it. Which is nice since my last immunity win was for nothing. This round could be tricky. Like everyone can still agree to talk out Raffy which I want because he is a very dangerous player. I just hope that the target doesnt land on Timmy. He’s the only one that I trust 100% + more.

Raff

Joseph is bad at this game. He is always giving me unsolicited advice about how I should play my game when he is the one who is a goat. If anyone takes him to the end, he's going to lose because in no world does he win with his group consensus attitude. He's not making big moves. He's being a sheep. So, if he thinks he's playing a "good" game, then good for his self-esteem. But, at the end of the way, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of his own game cause I’m going to be on the jury. So if he makes FTC (which is a hard IF) then it’ll be my perception that matters, not his. So we’ll see who has the last laugh in the end.

Dylan is ignoring me which is a terrible thing to do. Ignoring someone has the same effect as telling someone that you are voting for them. Except, for me, it's worse because it's a bad social game because instead of having decency and telling someone the truth, you are making them an outcast and making them feel like they are less than. So, good on Dylan for having a bad social game, but I doubt they ever had a good one in the first place. Within this single round, people are losing my jury vote which might bite them in ass later down the line, but I'm reveling in it.

Raffy

Jack wants to make a move against Timmy in order to lessen Maynor's stranglehold on the game. So, I told Maynor and Timmy all of this with a plan to tell Stephen later in the day. I'm sorry to Jack, but I have to do something to preserve my game, even if that means getting rid of a guaranteed number on my side. As a bottom feeder, you do what you can to survive. This has to be the move right now. Maybe next round, if I win immunity, I can regain control of this game, but I have no control right now.

Ellie

So I just now realized that I probably look like a fucking goat to everyone, and I’m not here for that. This round Raffy wants to get Jack out and we could definitely pull that off buttttt what if we got Raffy out? I don’t want him to go but if he doesn’t go this round it’ll probably be next. Idk what I’m gonna do, I’ve been playing it safe for too long, but idk if I should make my move YET.

Ellie

Yeah I made up my mind. It has to be jack

Raffy

Dylan came to me willing to vote out Stephen. I don't know how well I can trust that, especially after these last two rounds. They said they'd be willing to go to rocks, but that is not something that's making me trust them at all. This could be a game-defining move, but I just am not sure if I can trust it. I have a lot to decide in these next 5 hours.

Raffy

Time to be a crackhead again and vote for Stephen. Dylan seems to be down for a Stephen vote, but I am not too sure. All this game talk is making me crazy. It'd be a 4-4 vote, and I feel like we could convince Joseph or Timmy to flip and not go to rocks. We need this to work or our games are tanked

Dylan C

Me? Consistently voting with the same people each round? It’s less likely than you think

Jack

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dylan's on board with voting Stephen tonight (kinda sucks cause id have rather gone timmy but aye thats how it goes) and hopefully Josephs on board too when he logs in. That or Raffy and Ellie and Dylan are all fucking with me and in kahoots with Stephen and actually voting me, but imma try and (o god) /trust/ them. Hopefully i won't go home with an idol in my pocket. also those "I just wrote a confessional" messages are both reassuring and SO SUS

Maynor

So right now the two names for the vote our Timmy and jack. And of course im do not want Timmy going. It looks like everyone is down to vote for Jack. And Kinda nervous that Jack might have something from EOE. Im hoping there isnt a blindside and Timmy goes. Would be a dumn move on Stephen and Joseph because the other side have already shown they would write their names down so it would be smart to stick with the Blindside Central alliance till like F6. Just hoping everything goes well tonight.

Ellie

VOTE SWITCH BITCH OMFG FIRST SEASON ELLIE COULD NEVER, LOOK AT THE RAFFY AND ELLIE POWER DUO GO

Stephen

Im wondering if I’m going home, Jack coming back is intense, and for some reason he might not like me? Whatever. I’m only worried cause people are quiet, im worried that now john and zoe are gone timmy and maynor might ally with dylan ellie and maybe even raffy. Idk, I’m worried

Joseph Collins

I have been approached with a plan. A plan so crazy it just might work. Apparently jack, raffy, Ellie, and Dylan want to blindside Timmy. I feel like it’s a ploy. And they want me to vote Timmy whilst all 4 of them vote for me. I can’t trust any of them

Jack

So Raffy was worried about Joseph leaking our vote to maynor/stephen/timmy so even tho Ellie, Raffy, Dylan, and I are all going Stephen were telling Joseph Timmy. And rn i am thinking its a good plan cause Joseph is being sus with his looking at my message, not responding, but then going over to tribal chat and being there. Like any sort of plausible deniability is out the window lmao. If it ends up ends up being 4 raffy v 4 stephen and a revote im p sure joseph would flip rather than go to rocks. Hopefully tho this isn't all the reality of my previously justified paranoia again, and this time round everyones not legit out to get me lol

Jack

Josephs being real weird and basically said like if i dont vote raffy imma be the one going and like hmmmmmm but also like i think i trust dylan to vote with us, but idk. Like idk imma stick with our plan and not play my idol and porrbably go home cause fuck me but yeah WOOOOOOOW

Stephen

So, heres the problem. Lets say that everyone except Jack is voting Jack, and he has an idol/advantage. Whoever he votes for goes home. But if I vote Raffy that ties up his vote. However, if I do that and Jack has allied with Raffy Ellie and Dylan, then the vote is 4-3-1 and they choose who goes home. This... this is a really tough call.

Timmy

I'm freaking the fuck out. Like I don't want to go and it is a big concern that it is a possibility. I want to trust people but the only one I truly trust is Maynor. I mean also, Stephen and Joseph but not in the same way obviously. I just don't want to get voted out, especially with an idol. Jack is an easy vote, but people don't do things easily in this game. I just think it's the right move and I'm playing my idol if Jack uses as idol or advantage.

Dylan C

Right now the plan is, afaik, to have four people (Raffy, Ellie, Jack, and myself) vote Stephen, tell Joseph it's Timmy in case he leaks to Maynor/Timmy/Stephen and one of them has an idol, and then the idol will get played on Timmy if one gets played. In theory. We'll see how that goes. Joseph is trying to get me to vote Jack this round, because he doesn't want to vote Timmy, and I'm trying to, well I don't know what I'm trying to convince him off. I told him I'm not voting Jack this round, which is true, but I never told him who I'm really voting for. Who in this game haven't I lied through my teeth to at some point, honestly. Watch me get to the end but trash my social game in the process smh. Jk, I don't see myself getting to F2/F3 (whatever it is). But the point still stands. I could say I have a closest ally in this game, but that'd be another fucking lie. I've voted with different people at different points and haven't had a solid loyalty to Anyone. Agreed w/Joseph on his F2 comments for instance, but I'm not 100% solid with him. (Though, according to Raffy, Joseph is in some alliance with Maynor, Stephen, and Timmy that he's uber loyal to. Good for him lol. Can't relate.) If I have any strategy at this point it's just: play the middle and go after the strongest people/biggest threats. Be a big girl and don't die, and all that. (That's a podcast reference.) So, that's why I don't wanna vote Raffy or Jack, yet. Even with the threat of someone they'd work with coming back from EoE, I'd rather work w/them and have them stick around and target someone like Maynor, Stephen, or Timmy who are strong, worked in orchestrating two blindsides, and one of them likely has an idol I feel like. Also? Jack and Raffy make for good shields, and Raffy literally pitched that to me as a reason not to vote for him last round. Told myself I wasn't gonna listen to him, and was gonna vote for him anyway, but then Keith dropped and I thought about it more and here I am. Basically: Involve yourself in strategy but in way that there's always a bigger threat, or someone more disliked, than you around who the others will want to go after more.

Dylan C

Joseph saying that he's "gotten screwed so much" but still voting Timmy? [SCREAMS] Sorry, just got hit with the realization that if I had to define closest allies, they are Joseph and Raffy who I have both screwed over and am still willing to screw them both again if I need to? Now I'm feeling regrets? I hate having a conscience and playing a game where I'm lying to people a bunch for this particular strategy

Dylan C

Joseph: third time's the charm with trusting people so like, insert more screaming : )

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watersuncharted · 5 years ago

Text

oh, wow.

okay so this is actually unbelievable...but im at home in and quarantined rn.

yeah, i know. back from spain over a month early, 13 days before my semester was scheduled to be over...and on top of that: quarantined.

everything is canceled...going back to school, spring show, GRADUATION. i can’t believe it. i really cant believe that this is how everything went down. its insane how everything flipped in a single moment. semesters, ruined. last times in champaign: gone. being abroad, taken in an instant. things like this really get me. 2020, this is insane.

its weird, every time i go to sit down to write, i dont have it in me.

i hate to talk in circles about the same things over and over but its just kind how i feel. DAVID GOT INTO HIS DREAM JOB. thats INSANE.

SORRY, an outburst but OHMYGOD i am so unbelievably happy for him. things are crazy out here. good things like this happening there and bad things like my mother telling me i cant even see my own sister anymore happening here.

honestly, things like this.. i cant believe this is happening if im being honest with you.

im back home and i feel like im in middle school again, depressed, overworked, over-pressurized and well, sad. i have ambition but i have no motivation. i am not happy with my body, happy with myself. i want there to be change but i know change is something that cant happen here.

im working on myself. if i dont come back stronger, if i dont come back better, i dont know if i could forgive myself.

its insane how i feel, its insane how no one else sees it the way i do.

i want to start fresh. i dont know why i was raised the way i am. i dont understand how me being raised in this household was of any good. how did i turn out normal? how did i turn out this way when i am actually being corralled like cattle and trained like a sheepdog? i dont understand why me being here is of any good use to anyone and i dont know how im of USE to actually anyone. i am more than lukewarm im like room temperature. and i dont really know what to do with that anymore.

and now concerning him..

i want to be civil with him, thats alll. i dont even really want to be friends anymore. if im going to be honest, i still want him to want me...but i would rather him and i be like me n nic than whatever im dealing with right now. i dont want whatever im doing right now with him, being utterly honest. but that means i need to control myself and control control control i will.

if im going to be honest, i dont even want to be looking for anyone. everyone i describe that i want is someone that i cant find. its just annoying because when i cant find them i get frustrated. and whats even more annoying is that i know i cant just wait around, either. i want what they have but i want it in my own way. and i dont really know how to do it or how to get it. i dont really know what to do, if im being honest. especially when trapped here in my house for the next 4 months (at this rate) how do i not think about anything else? im kind of giving and im kind of ready to i guess see where the wind takes me. its just bad because its in my nature to flirt, its in my nature to be the worst person i can be. i hate myself for it because thats NOT who i am. okay, maybe i am a flirt, but the other stuff? not me.

i just dont know how anything can really spring up...when in quarantine. but maybe thats the beauty of it?

maybe this is where we were meant to be. you believe it, right? everything happens for a reason. maybe this time will be a time of growth, bringing back, rememberance, and new beginnings.

i really hope its new beginnings.

really working a lot on myself these last few days and im really searching for a way to get out and make it a lifestyle for me.

living at home is more than hard, its dangerously difficult. i can only hope that i can make it in this house without screwing up for the next four months.

college is crazy.

time flies so fast. i have accomplished so so so so much, and i have gone so many places. i have established myself, i have had jobs and i have achieved so much. i have met so many people and joined so many things. i have been good (?) to myself, i have been good to others.

im making the most of my time. i really have. being me, doing what i do best. i think these people are the best people that could have been there FOR me. im not quite sure what else or where else i would be, otherwise.

its been scatter brain central today with the writing but thats alright for today, we can all start somewhere.

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