#THIS IS A TRUE STORY

[shit-people-probably-didnt-say]

Wylan: I believed for many years that our voice box only had so much voice in it, so if you talked too much as a kid you would run out and be unable to speak as an adult

Wylan: Eventually I realised that was just my Fathers way of getting me to shut up

Jesper: *Loading his gun* …Mmhm

[sandersstudies]

Me: *to another team leader* Wow first day of camp is going great :) Kinsley cried every day but one last year and she hasn’t cried once today, even when she lost musical chairs :)

*World’s loudest crash in the next room, glass shattering, ten pairs of little Crocs springing down the hallway*

Me: … I shouldn’t have said anything.

[es-draws]

“I’m hungry.”

There’s gentle tease upon her lips, a girlish pout, a timid pining for attention.

I find her sitting elegantly amongst the heat and steam, a plush towel wrapped lazily about her. Drops fall from her shimmering hair to dot the bare skin at her shoulders and chest. She looks up at me as I enter, an eager smile forming upon her cheeks.

How can something so simple be so attractive? What this girl does to me…

“Can I get you a snack?” I say. “I can make you dumplings.”

“Dumplings sound amazing,” she coos.

“I thought you might like that.”

She runs her hands down her legs, already glistening with oil and lotion. As she does, the towel falls languidly aside, revealing the full length of her alluring form. She catches my eye and giggles.

“In fact, I think we’d both like that.”

She pulls herself erect, the towel cascading to either side of her full breasts, displaying her shapely figure in all its glory.

“I get to eat, and you get the pleasure of feeding me.”

Fuck.

“I would like that, princess,” I say.

Her smile gives way and she lets out a sultry moan. She looks up at me as I run my fingers over the smooth skin of her shoulders, her eyes almost pleading.

“You’ve been such a good girl to eat so well for me.”

Another moan.

I lean in to kiss her. Her full lips meet mine, and I feel her breath catch as my fingertips trace their way down her bare chest. As they reach the crest of her softened middle, I pull away to lock my eyes on hers. 

Let her see the full extent of my desire. Know the true breadth of my lust for her, the hunger she has awakened in me.

“I’ve trained you so well, haven’t I princess?”

As I say the words, my hands reach the soft crest of her belly, just beneath her navel. The newly-formed pudge spills into my hand, and I give it a gentle squeeze.

I hear her moan, this time high and pleading.

Fuck.

When did she get so soft? I don’t remember her being so big. Can I really feel this stomach spilling onto those thighs? Can I really squeeze a full handful of this fattened middle? Did she really give in so very quickly?

As I kiss her, I feel her gently bite on my lower lip. It’s long and slow, full of her own yearning and desire.

And I know she has truly given in.

[facelessoldgargoyle]

Six word horror story

Tesla bumper sticker: baby on board

[varian-the-alchemy-boi]

Me: *shows my older sister the WOTFI 2024 trailer* My older sister: *sees Mr. Puzzles* DOGDAY!? Me: OMG STOP!

Now I can't unsee this. 😭

[everywishway]

dear gods i just fucked up and this is a 100000% true story that happened 20 minutes ago, if yall call BS I'll sue...

So i went into work to drop off something to one of my coworkers I bought them and decided to buy a few things. I checked out with a different coworker and we were just vibing and he went "yeah, so I was talking to my mom and turns out I'm distantly related to Grant O'brien? I even showed her a photo to make sure and she said that's the one. He's my second cousin or something."

Now, here is where I fucked up.

I dont know if it's because: I didn't really believe him, I have been awake since 6 am with only chocolate and water in my system, the fact that I've done nothing but homework all day and hadn't spoken to anyone or the fact I listened to the "I hate jurgen leitner" monologue on loop on the drive over so I was in a silly goofy mood but I said out loud:

"Wait, Grant O'Brien? LIke, Grant Anthony O'Brien? The Grant Anthony O'Brien who (insert minecraft villager noise bc I am not saying "fucked" in my child friendly work place) 50 people in one night? That Grant O'Brien?"

... I don't know why that was the first thing I thought of... I could've said "Dropout Legend", "Bartender from Dirty Laundry" or anything fucking else... I said this to someone I consider a kid... Like, he's only a year younger than me but I see him as one of my work kids... God I fucked up yall...

Dude, if you see this you have every reason to have me fired but, as part of my own embarrassment, I put it in the work quote book I run since it's something an employee said in the store and (as I run it) had consent to be put in. Im sorry tho, feel free to extort me till the day I'm in the ground.

[plushipaws]

[sucksesful-user]

"no, I'm not obsessed with Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles," I say as I add the Samulet to my shrine

[sleepyminty]

Eversince i bought my binah plush doll, my two cousins ( who had zero knowledge of any PM games) had developed fear around her, since i placed her near the bedroom door they always said that they started having nightmare of this doll and honestly

Good for you binah, you’re still a manace even you turn into a harmless plushie

[moonyinpisces]

the good thing about having the memory of a goldfish is that i can read a vaguely familiar oneshot and be like “oh wow this is lovely why didn’t i kudos it last time” but turns out i did and i also bookmarked it and also my ao3 history says i visited the fic 11 times

[dunmeshiminimumwage]

Me when I've been working in a hot cramped kitchen area in 90 degree heat.

[puppy-wife]

one time I went to a therapist and asked to be tested for autism. at the end of the session I was diagnosed with autism, and low self esteem. I didn't even realize that was something you could be diagnosed with

[bitchslapblastoids]

Confession:

I have been seeing the words “Danny Phantom” tagged/mentioned here and there for a few weeks now. Each time I just scroll past unseeingly, bc I am not particularly interested in content related to the Hit 2003 Nickelodeon TV Show Danny Phantom.

However, I have in real life said to real living humans: “wow yknow that show Danny Phantom is having some sort of rennassaince it seems like the gen-zers have found it or something how funny is that!” And people have said “oh huh wow great 👍”

I have just now just now just NOW put together that Danny Phantom is a ……… silly little shorthand for Dan and Phil? À la dip and pip? Dick and Penis? Dad and Papa?

…….. i am peachless…..

(Unless people are actually rediscovering Danny phantom is that’s what happening am I doubly peachless here?? help)

[onlyhams]

me upon accidentally grazing a piece of furniture with my keys, surely marring the delicate surface: the rot comes for us all…

me upon looking more closely and realizing it still looks pristine: but not yet

[novuit]

Cooking up a new comic :p