#THERES SOMETHNG ABOUT HIM

[amethiosspouse]

the more i look at amethio, the more i start falling in love with him all over again <3

UGHHHH AMETHIO!!!!!!!! YOU WILL NEVER FAIL TO GET ME ALL GIGGLY LIKE A SHOUJO ANIME PROTAGONIST

lovemail for: amethio (❁´◡`❁)

[sexysilverstrider]

capucine is truly a villain. disgusting and irredeemable. that i love.

[noiseemaster]

hi sccers. pokes you with a stick

hi uh . i dont have anything funny to say here . uh . hm .

[alchemiclee]

you've heard of cat in the hat, now get ready for

[soulandunconscious]

dead poets in efteling

a/n: first hc post yippieeee!! i know this is soo niche and there are about three people who understand this but its been in my head for weeks and it needs out. if you're unfamiliar, efteling is this really cool theme park in the netherlands with a kind of dark fantasy theme. i was there yesterday and if you saw someone eating shit at the baron 1898 that was UHHHH NOT ME GUYS

first of all, cameron is extremely stressed out about wasting time/money so he wants to be there the second the gates open. If they’re staying in a hotel or bosrijk, he’s insanely anal about getting the extra half hour but they never end up getting it bc half the guys are still asleep

they go with mr keating (who had to pester the board for months about why it’d be beneficial for their education) and thank god because every single one of the guys is directionally challenged. if it werent for him they’d criss cross through the park all day

keating makes them sit at the fabula restaurant for like 20 minutes so he can drink coffee and plan out their walking route. cameron nearly has an aneurysm

everyone but cameron is running around that restaurant like children

charlie is hogging the slide, meeks and pitts are at the climbing section, knox is locked in on feeling the textures and the game where you merge your face with a penguin. spends five minutes trying to type in his email

neil and todd are mainly walking around trying to see everything, until todd gets jumpscared by the jumping snake. from then on he’s staying 10 feet away from any kind of structure in this building

cameron is sitting at a table with keating trying to explode him with his mind. keating is unfazed

when they finally go on a ride they go on fata morgana first

pitts is so insanely in tune with the present and his inner child that he fully locks in during every dark ride. EVERYTHING GETS HIM during the fata morgana. the negative energy makes him so on edge that he screams at everything 

everyone else is fine for the entirety of the ride except for the dentist scene where they all go ‘eugghhh’ in unison

they go on the baron 1898 next and knox is like eughhh i dont know guys cuz hes fucking terrified of heights but he won't actually come out and say it. they manage to convince him to get on cuz he's extremely sensitive to peer pressure

meeks and pitts are constantly playing no one knows (efteling heads up) in the line (in every line tbh) but they can’t control their volume. they’re always screaming when they get an answer right and it stresses cameron out

charlie wants to play with them but he's horrible at it cuz he keeps asking subjective questions

when they get on the coaster, knox is already having heart palpitations from the sight of the witte wieven. he then sees 1. how insanely high it is and 2. how theres a whole crowd of people on the ground staring up at them. right when the cart tips a little over the edge and hangs there, charlie (in the most sincere voice) says 'omg i think my seatbelt is undone!' n knox fully faints for a second

they don't let him go on rollercoasters anymore after that. he mainly rides the train and waves at every passerby

they go on sirocco (teacups ride). keating has mostly been keeping a neutral face and sharing history/poetry tidbits so he can argue that they have, in fact, learned somethng here. but on sirocco this guy goes HAM

hes 1. really strong and 2. obsessed with this ride so he's spinning it like crazy. he's in there with meeks and pitts who are having a grand old time

neil and todd are in a boat together and todd has this really blank expression. neil is extremely worried he's getting motion sick so he's constantly like 'are you good? should i stop spinning it???' and todds like 'yeah im good :)'. neil does not believe him and refuses to keep spinning it

the people who ARE getting motion sick are cameron and charlie, who somehow ended up in a boat together. neither of them are willing to admit it so they're both turning green and staring at each other to see if one of them will cave

they both end up puking

they go on droomvlucht and decide to test out the virtual line. when they get the notification that they can get on cameron freaks the fuck out cuz hes scared they'll miss their slot even tho its fifteen minutes. hyperventilating all like 'WE HAVE TO GO NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW'

while they wait for their time slot they go to the volk van laaf

neil and todd and meeks and pitts both go on the monorail. theyre on the monorail when their slot opens so they look down and just see a tiny little cameron waving his arms and screaming 'WE NEED TO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'

todd runs over the second they're off the ride cuz he's stressed, but the rest REFUSE to be rushed

knox has found the loof and eerhuys and nearly jumps out of his skin when vader laaf starts moaning and moving his feet

charlie would think this is very funny and start calling him freaky laaf if he werent stuck at the stairs that make noise, spamming the steps

when they're actually on droomvlucht, neil is constantly talking about a midsummer nights dream. pointing and pogging like 'OMG ITS OBERON'

neil in general chronically talks through rides. todd's content to listen

meeks gets jumpscared by the troll at the end and still has a horrified expression at the photo op

fairytale forest!!!

charlie is obsessed with everything that's interactive, specifically the troll king and the parrot. makes it say all sort of horrific things

obviously he's pogging at the mermaid boobs

also will not stop thirsting over the wolf. he is FRONT ROW at an evening with wolf even though he doesn't understand a word

the interactive bit pitts likes is the gnome that opens the door and just like. mutters at everyone. he thinks it's the funniest shit EVER.

todd is LOCKED IN at the fairytale tree. looks up at keating with these huge eyes as if to say 'thats u'

meeks has figured out how the app works and how to make kniesoor say ur name. knox is convinced it's witchcraft and then BEGS steven to show him how it works

i actually don't believe kniesoor knows the name knox but who knows!

they go on the halve maen (swinging ship) and cameron, still traumatized from the sirocco endeavor that he insists on sitting in the middle

everyone else refuses and since keating doesn't want anyone to be alone, he sits next to cameron

what cameron didnt really consider is that since the movement in the middle is a lot more subtle, it's likely to make you even more sick

keating's looking at him the entire time and going 'are you okay?' meanwhile camerons there like ._.

in the tips, a screaming contest breaks out between the two halves. charlie and knox start it and everyone joins in. ppl gets tired and kinda stops putting any effort into it at some point. as a joke, at the very end when it slows down, charlie says ‘imagine someone just fully yawps right now’ and todd just. does it

knox is mortified. charlie gives todd five dollars for the effort

in the vliegende hollander all of them are kind of tired and the line is stressing them out. they don't fully understand what the ride even is so when the dark ride portion starts everyone is kind of tense. to diffuse tension, during the fog portion, meeks yells 'OMG CHARLIE PUT UR VAPE AWAY'

they eat at polles keuken and neil gets the magic water

charlie is inspired and gets it too. nearly knocks over a waiter with how excited he is

of course they go on symbolica after

oj punctuel is camerons spirit animal. everyone wakling through the opening steps and he's like yuo guys... poor oj...

charlie DEMANDS to sit in the front row so he can press the buttons

todd gets terrified at the whale/fabelvis part. he just doesnt like things that are underwater

when they see polle they're like omg that's our guy!!

at the end knox spends all his money in the gift shop

meeks buys those cards with seeds in them but refuses to ever plant them

pitts buys a raveleijn sword

charlie buys a stuffed animal of the wolf

cameron buys a magnet

todd buys the book of fairytales and buys keating a pen

neil buys a droomvlucht puzzle

i have a thousand more ideas but i feel like this post is already WAY long so if anyone is interested in a part two lmk x

[flyingspicerack]

YOUKAI AU LORE!!!!!

literally just copy pasted what i told ghost in dms no beta we die like men

ok so my youkai au... SO I started thinking about it first when I saw Evan post about theirs, and I saw they they said theirs was more of an isekai style? So like, kinda Inuyasha vibes?? Also mine isn't like... TOO tied into the real hesowar au, bc i dont really know all the canon information so its all just... headcanons and my own worldbuilding (which i love to do i love worldbuilding its what i did for my thesis in art school ANYWAYYYY)) So my thoughts are kinda that theres this youkai world and each of the boys are originally human brothers that were all possessed by the youkai like hundreds of years ago and are now all these 6 powerful youkai that rule over 6 different domains. I think that in each domain, or maybe where all 6 of them converge theres a portal to the human world that opens up? Maybe both.... 7 portals, the strongest one thats always open is in the middle of the domains, each has their own, and their own unique connection to the human realm. I think Ichi, because he's a 9 tailed kitsune, he's connected to like, a specific Inari shrine I think each of the boys excepts for one or two, have like... at least harems or a partner or something at this point? It's later in their lives, idk theyre still young looking WHATEVER IDK, but Ichimatsu hasn't really... expressed any interest in anyone in the realm, yet complains to like, jyushi specifically that he feels particularly lonely. Like none of the people who come to worship him in the realm do it for him, theyre boring, whatever, idk, no connections. And since he's a trickster, the brothers are like "ohhh youre kiniving and play pranks and tricks, why dont you just like, trick a human to to be your mate/bride/spouse, humans are so interesting and quirky" and at first hes like 'no thats fucked up i wouldnt do that' but the he thinks about it ...

SO MEANWHILE, in the human world, this version of Mao, i think, is just in some like... job to pass the time, but they're incredibly lonely, theyre bad at making connections at work, theyre a bit burnt out, just things arent going their way. So, one day on the way home they're just tired, and maybe the route they walk on to and from work is like closed so they take a different route and on their way home they come upon an entrance to a shrine, maybe its a little overgrown, but... somethng calls them in, and they walk up the little stairs and are kinda drawn up to the big donation box. And they kinda just throw a couple coins in and pray and think 'im really lonely, i want companionship but im not sure what to do anymore, maybe i should change careers or just ... change myself completeley ... i need guidance' And theres this voice in the back of their head thats just like 'what if that could come true' and 'give yourself to me' and 'make me more offerings and ill give you a deal you wont refuse' and mao thinks theyre hallucinating from stress but they just empty their coin purse bc theyre kinda compelled to And they realize when they blink a couple times, that THAT was all the money they had on them and still need to buy dinner, so they try to reach down into the donation box to maybe snag back a 500 yen coin but then they fall into the box, and the descent down is a LOT longer than they would have assumed it was, and they land down in there with a thud and look up and around them and now have to figure out how to climb out, and eventually, once they do, and climb up and out of the hole or whatever, they are NOT in that shrine anymore, but somehow in the middle of the forest

SO THEYRE LIKE 'uuhhhh ... what the fuck? Did i hit my head??' and are like 'haha probably hit my head and this is a dream or something' and they dust themself off and start making their way down a path in a random direction to maybe figure out what theyre dreaming about, and theyre walking walking, and SHWOOM, right in front of them flies an arrow and they like, jolt back cause it almost hit them, and theres like ... some kind of lower level like ... imps or goblins or like ... SOMETHING and start fucking chasing mao, because this is some like... you know... uhhh idk if it feudal era? i think thats the term. ANYWAY they have pink hair and are like 'woah this person must have insane magical powers we must kill them and take their magics' and so mao gets chased in the woods all the way to like, a cliffside, and are then cornered, and are like ??????? So since they think its a dream they think if they try hard enough maybe dream logic will work so they maybe jump? immediatley fall and stars screaming, but whats this, something catches them midair and they look up and see theyre in the arms of a man with big ears and pretty red makeup who then like, with the wave of a hand wipes out the imps and lands on the ground with mao in his arms and he finally looks down at them and they share like, locked eye contact for a few moments before hes like 'kind of dumb of you to jump off that cliff considering humans cant fly' AND I HAVE LIKE, some other story beats, but the like... summarized story is that ichi starts to feel guilty for kind of coercing mao to come here so they go on like, a journey together, him protecting them, but teaching them to fight and things, while they travel toward where the domains are converged to get mao into the portal back home, but along the way they both genuinely start to fall for one another and mao eventully gives themself to ichi as his devoted bride/partner/mate and gets like... some minor powers and stuff i thinks... and yeah... hehe..

... heheh yeah... i might wanna draw story beats... i have MORE ideas, like... beats and things that happen on the journey if people wanna hear about those too....

ALSO SOMETHING I NEED TO CLARIFY!! when i say the other boys have partners, its not like... its moreso meant to be like, OTHER PEOPLE who self ship with the other boys, have already claimed them, like... how do i make this make sense.... like ... timeline wise, if like

HYPOTHETICLLY, if you wanted to insert your s/i into MY version of this au specifically, your and the matsu's story would have happened BEFORE mao enters the picture if that makes sense... bc i like the idea of ichi being the last of the brothers to make a connection, only realizing once his brothers have found love, that he wants it too ... haha hehehehehehhehehehe the end

[gayspock]

randos or whatever

i cant lie im starting to get fatigued as hell watching house and im not even that deep into it . andgod ugh. im feeling crazyagain with the sickness & restless & loneliness digging under my fucking skinnnnn back in the fucking cesspit. im so sick of how fucking boring everyhing feels and yet my brain cant fucking process anything any more. but god even that i feels mentally fucking pathetic that this guy is going around putting different things on a screen in the hopes that it'll pacify him for even a short amount of time & distract from the fact im about to go fucking blow my brains out because god fucking knows that bare minmum crap is the only thing im remotely capable of if at all. hahaha. im kidding i dont mean that. i was thinking about trying to watch somethng peopel from work are also watching, in a pathetic bid to try and not feel left out of everything ever all the time and theres at least something to talk about with someone. then the desperate sentiment behind that makes me feel so horribly fucking queasy, and is too fucking reminiscent ofbeing a very pathetic teenager crying my eyes out every night cuz of insane, neverending and all-consuming FOMO. which in of itself is a thought that makes me want to blow my own head off in embarrassment thinking about all the dumb stupid shit i used to cry about not being a part of. something something or other. i wanna punch that guy like...... oogly boogly..... pretending to like things will never make people like you, they leave you out of everything for a reason and you cant connect on anything for a reason, we need to stop trying so hard. and lets face it the thought of trying hard at anything ever again makes me want to cry its so tragically fucking pathetic and consistently fucking useless cuz at the end of the day its still my sorry ass thats not going to accomplish a damn thing. is anyone going nuts. i think im going nuts. i had a point somewhere. let me find it in my pockets

[cambriancutie]

❇️🖍️🍓🍰?

ok ill pick a random character again.....ill go for dominic for this one cos i never post about him

❇️: not sure about this one. maybe his agent hoodie. i think he values people more than posessions

🖍️: my advice would be... theres people who care about you and support you:) (advice i need to use for myself, really.)

🍓: um i think he eats the normal amount of both. i think hes like a lettuce fan or somethng

🍰: UHHHHH strawberry:) cant go wrong with strawberry cake

[hopefullyababe]

i just finished juno steel and what lies beyond

and OH MY GOSH!

everything was so so sweet and i cried i CRIED

and i have several disjointed and unedited thoughts!

(longass rambly post under the cut)

getting to hear juno narrate after so long is just so so wonderful i missed him so much and my first tears were shed just hearing him talk with his theme playing in the background

and getting banter between him and nureyev is always Very Good but also im a Little Bit Worried about nureyev

i feel in my heart that hes genuine about almost everything but like at his core hes just a big ol MYSTERY (and i mean how fitting that he ended up with a lady who just LOVES those things)

just feels like hes the Unknown wrapped up in a cozy blanket of Adorable Dork and im scared theres something Really Big and Bad that hes hiding (cuz i mean whens he NOT hiding something?)

but i definitely dont think its going to be anything Very Bad just maybe a little bit Bad or just Wow youknow?

but him giving juno a little book of puzzles that lead him around whats been their home and the place theyve built their entire domestic relationship, reminiscing on all their time spent on the ship with their Family?? sweetest shit ive ever seen.

but alsoooooo,,,,,

felt sorta proposal-y,,,,,,

i doubt thats what he was going for and maybe it was just that i had marriage on the brain because of buddy and vespa-

i cried when they were giving their vows

esspecially when vespa was recounting their first meeting and buddy had said "you and i work well separately- but dont you think wed be better together?"

liKE???

do you two HAVE to go and make me Feel Emotions like That?????

theyre so sweet the two of them

i also cried when they reunited back in season 2 on their lighthouse <:'}}}

and then juno talkong about how much he loves nureyev and wants to Know Him is Just 💕💕😭😭😭💕💕

But Then

BOOM

BIGASS DARK MATTERS SPACESHIPPP

BOOM

SASHA WIRE

BOOM

JUNO DOWN

and Im Like

WHAT THE HELL WHAT

we were having a nice Emotions Time and now there is Gunfire? excuse me????

i cannot recount to you the dread in my gut when juno was like "but then....."

i was like

NO

HELL NO

nooooo why cant we all just have a nice time and kiss our boyfriends and learn their dark secrets without Big Bad Evils getting In The Way???

i just love Feeling Emotions

anyway super excited for whatevers coming next!! will dark matters get away with the cure mother prime?? is that even what theyre looking for?? i dont remember if they said specifically that they were looking for it so maybe its somethng else and therell be a Twist?? i dont know!! and im so excited!

i am also So So Proud of juno.

i said that in my season two post but like

im so proud of him.

i know its really silly to be Proud of a fictional character who is also 20+ years older than you but i legitimately am

hearing him so genuinely happy made me feel So Many Emotions

because he did that

he got out of that dark place and he made that happiness

and i love him

and im so so proud of him

and im so happy for him

and i just want him to be happy for the rest of his like because he deserves it dammit

and i just cant stress enough how much i love him

its so weird! to have all this love in my heart! for this person! who does not exist!

and i know it doesnt matter if hes real or not but for some reason its just sticking there in my brain that somehow this Pretend detective has made me Love Him

i think alot of it is that i went through this journey with him and i heard him fall into a bigass pit and not even try to get out for so long and then i heard him decide that he was going to be better and i heard him do that

and also that im quite emotional right now but thats besides the point

i love him so so much and he just breaks my heart

i dont know if its healthy to feel that much for a character

maybe i relate just a little too much to Juno Steel.

ANYWAY

loved the episode!! cant wait for whatever may come next 🤔🤔

[mare-sanguis]

Winston/Monty pt. 11 part 1 out of 2 because its loooong

Scott cleaned the dishes while Winston took his medicine.

"You should visit his grave. You know... I dont think you failed him. He's not disappointed in you- but proud of thta you tried."

"Maybe."

"He really trusted you to do that. Did he told you that?"

Scott nooded.

"Then you already know that he wont be disappointed in you."

"You really think so... right?"

"Yes. He's your friend."

Scott sighed and looked down in the sink.

"Jeff was really a nice guy- he had a huge heart and supported so many. The funeral was the absolute worst. So many people crying, disturbed. He died to young."

"You really liked him."

"Well of course I do."

Winston smiled.

"No."

"'No' What?"

"I didnt mean it like that. Not as your best friend."

Scott didnt responds to that directly.

"He was just a friend. I told you."

"Would you say the same if you'd look at me? Almost everytime you talk about him you won't look at me. You're hiding something."

"Theres nothing to hide."

Winston sighed and stood up.

"Maybe you'll tell me later. I wont pressure you into something you dont want to say. I'll go to sleep now. You can chose one of the quest rooms. One is near mine, the other ones are on the 3rd floor. Good night."

Winston left and leaves Scott alone in the kitchen.

"Fuck it. I wasnt in love with him." He whispered to himself.

"He was my best friend, not my first male crush:"

Why would he even think about that if he wasnt?

He stood there for some seconds more until he decided to go to one of the guest rooms.

He choosed the one near Winstons.

They didnt saw each other until the next day.

Scott checked on Winston- He'ss still asleep- all the stress and probably the medicine knocked him out pretty hard.

He took a shower and got dressed- after that he decided to drive hom to grab some stuff. He left Winston a note in case he would wake up while he was gone.

He took Winstons car to drive home where he packed up some clothes and put on new ones.

Scott looked at he clock. Must be lunchtime at Liberty now. There was still some unfinished business in this school for him. And since he was in town now anyway he could visit this hellhole.

He get back into the car and drove to the school. He went there long enough but after 8 month and the second visit... it still felt weird.

He was the one the school chose to give Montys stuff to since his parents didnt care enough for it.

After he arrived at school he parked his car in a parking lot near by the school, then he stepped out and took a deep breath.

No one was around so he felt at least a bit more comfortable. All that changed after he entered the school building. The halls were filled with students. People he know and some he dont.

But no one seemed to notice him. Luckily. At least he thought so.

Without any further thinking he walked straight towards the principals office- but stopped after someone grabbed his arm and some other called his name.

"Scott!"

He got dragged away by the one who grabbed his arm.

"Long time no hypocrite. Didnt expect to see you around here anymore after you buggered off after the whole Bryce "rape" thing."

Scott tried to stay calm.

"What do you want?"

"We just wonder why you're here and that you still have the courage for it."

"Why? Should I feel afraid of you?"

"Maybe."

"I dont. Let me go, I have somethng to take care of."

"What is it?"

"Non of your business."

"You know whats our business?"

"What?"

"Why are you walking around with a fucking faggot?"

"I dont understand."

"We saw you with hime- the last days. The one guy with pale skin and black hair. The faggot."

He just looked at them.

"The faggot? Yeah?" taking this word in his mouth made him feel disgusted.

"Dont you think its time to stop using thie word? How old are you? 10?"

"Why are you defending him? Are you one of them now too?"

The other guys laughed.

"I mean look at him- hes probably going back to him. Thats why hes wearing his bes clothes."

The guys continued to laugh.

"And even if I am- it not your problem anymore. I'm not your friend anymore. So I can do what ever the fuck I want."

"So youre fucking him. Disgusting. Monty would have beat the shit outta you. Sadly he died because someone rat about what he did."

Scott laughed this time.

"I bet he would have. Totally. Except I was a trued friend of him and he never judged me."

He turned around and pushed past between the other students- he still could hear them shit talking.

Scott didnt glanced over his shoulder and turned left around he almost ran Alex over.

"Scott."

"Alex."

"What are you doing here?"

"Taking care of Montys stuff."

"Hm. Jeard you talk with these guys over there. Are you staying with Winston."

"Maybe."

"How does it feel to be around someone whos fighting against us?"

"I dont care. You did something wrong and have to pay for it. Why are you even so angry about it? At me? You can stop that now. Its getting annoying."

Scott walked down the hall and Alex followed him, he entered an empty room.

"I am because I want to."

Zach appeared behind Alex, out of knowhere. As well as Clay, Justin and the rest of the group.

"So childish. You know I didnt sell out Montys trust so the next moment you could pin the murder of Bryce on him. I'm not your friend- The only one I actually just cared about in thsi whole group was Clay. And because I dont owe you anything I can do what I want. Step up for what you did wrong. You cant serve justice while cobering up a murder."

Alex blood boiled with every word he siad.

"Why do you even care? I mean Monty was a criminal. Murder or not."

"Because- surprise- he was my friend."

"Why are you helping Winston?"

"Because he thinks the same:"

"Yeah? Really?"

Zach grabbed Alex arm ad whispered a silent "Lets go". But Alex didnt want to stop.

"You're just helping him because you think hes hot."

Scott blinked in confusion.

"And I think you just killed Bryce because he wanted to fuck up Zachs life. The person you love so much but wont admit it because you're a coward. Wont even notice hiw much he liked you back."

Alex got furious and shoved Zach away from him, angrily.

"How dare you?"

Scott laughed.

"Thank me later."

Zach looked back and forth between them and started to blush.

"Wha... not true!" and he rushed away.

Alex looked afte him.

"You're gonna pay for this" and then he followed him.

Clay stared at Scott for some seconds.

"What? Do you want to complain too? Because I really dont eanna end up in a fight with you."

"No I .... who told you to look after me?"

Scott rolled his eyes.

"Should be pretty obvious. Dont it? It was Jeff."

"Oh... really...?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I dont know. Maybe bevause he knew you neeede help or something."

"But he was around most of the time."

"He was but it was for the time he couldnt be around."

Clay nooded to that.

"So... do you really think Winston is hot?"

Justin started to laugh.

"Dude dont ask that."

"But..."

"What the fuck Clay?" Scott said in confusion.

"I'm sorry."

"You know..." Scott started. "Everyone finds Winston hot- even the most hetero guys alive."

Clay laughed at this and pat him on the shoulder.

"Good joke man. You looked so serious saying that."

"Thats beause I was being serious.

He shook his head slightly and then walked away. Grabbing Montys stuff from the office.

After that he took the emergrency exit and rushed to the car- with it, he drove home.

He entered the house and went straight to the kitchen- the box with Montys stuff still in his hands. He placed it on the counter.

Scott made some coffee and was about to open up the fridge as he heard steps that stopped right in the doorframe.

Winston stood there- with a bit of a shocked look on his face.

It made him worrying.

"Somethings up?"

Winston just hsook his head, still kinda tired because oth the meds.

"I just..." he rubbed his eyes."

"Its just the... look on you. The clothes. Monty used to ear the m all the time."

"Oh...yeah... I can change it for something else if you want me to. If its more comfortable for you."

"No." Winston shook his head. "Its fine. Really."

He noticed the box on the counter.

"Whats that?"

"Montys last belongings. I thought you might wanna have them. Its not much but enough for you I hope..."

Winston took a seat and grabbed the box.

"You were in school right? How was it?"

"Seems like everyone of my former so called "friends" hate me now. But I dont really care. Met Alex and his friend again to. Had a little fight. But wasnt that bad. Still feels weird going back there..."

"I can imagine that."

"Anyway Winston... how are you feeling?"

"Good. Better than yesterday."

They had breakfast together as Scott received a message.

Sheri. She wanted to meet them.

"Hey Winston?"

"Hm?"

"Gotta problem coming with me to visit Jeffs grave?"

"You really think I should come with you? Why do you even want to visit him now?"

"Sheri just wrote me - she wants to go there. And she invited you."

"Oh really? If she wants me to come I'll say yes."

He wrote her back, that they would meet at 2pm.

Sheri: "It really didnt sound like you want to visit him yesterday.

Scott: "That was yesterday. Now is today and my mood is better too."

 

Scott took the bag with his clothes out of the car after they finished eating and headed upstairs as Winston stopped him.

"Already feeling like home here dont you?" he siad, pointing at the bag.

"Oh- I just thought that I should stay for some days more. Just in case."

"Right. I know that." Winston smiled.

 

He carried his bag up the stairs and placed it on the bed, he sat down next to it. He choosed some dark clothes for that occasion even though he knew that Jeff probably wouldnt like that.

Winston watched him from the door frame silently. Scott ddint notice him because he was stcuck in a daydream.

"Are you ready?" Winston said finally and Scott almost jumped.

"I am - I think."

They got into Winstons car and drove the long way to the graveyard.

There he parked the car in an empty spot and togther they walked up the way- Sheri was already waiting for them there.

"Finally here- I think I was to early." She laughed and looked at Winston.

"Nice to see you again- now we'll introcude you to our best friend." she whispered quietly, not to disturb the other visitors.

Together they walked to Jeffs grave - which was decorated with many flowers.

"Looking good." Scott said, after seeing all these flowers.

"Obviously it must be. Jeff was such a sweetie."

Sheri claimed, Scott secretly agreed to it.

"So why'd you chose to come? Yesterday you sounded a bit stressed."

He looked at Winston for some seconds.

"Well... Winston helped me to understand that I shouldnt feel resposible for Montys death."

Sheri tilted her head slightly.

"What does that has to do with Jeff?"

"I...." he looked at Winston again. "I guess... I ahve to tell you something."

And he told her. About everything. About what Jeff told him- what he ased him for. About Monty. About Clay. That Scott flt like the burdern was all on him.

He strayed calm through all of it.

"He had to much hopes in me- Monty and the others dragged me deep into their darkness. That non of theri fault. If only, thene mine. Because I knew what would happen."

"Oh damn... But... he should've never left it all on you. Ther was no chance of you to handle it all alone."

"I did it anyway- I wanted to."

Sheri and Winston both waited for a clear answer.

"I wanted to make him proud. Ther are still things I will always deny. For the fact that its now to late and never was about any relevance."

Sheri laughed.

[sexysilverstrider]

yang is a perfect example of a villainous character who genuinely loves their loved one without ever breaking character

[supacutiepie]

Blade of Marmora Lance

his favorite teacher besides kollivan is an older buffer galra woman who pats his head and calls him “kid” all the time. kollivan himself calls him “The Good Shot” or something in Galran that when they hear it no one one understands accept Coran he gets like..whiplash. Because Lance feeling inadequate and seeing the Blades as a good solution IS MY JAM.

@acequeenm

--

“kollivan mostly referred to lance whenever he said “paladins” so you try to tell me he doesnt see lance as the authority figure in the groupd once shiro’s gone..

“ THE BOM RODE IN BLUE. All of them in blue! Lance was the one who stood up for them, not Hunk who could have just as easily like he’s done with Keith. And this season is set some short time so we could even g so far to say that the team has spent some time for BoM, Now, im not saying Lance is acting as a good go between for the aliens they save and the Blades…BUT LANCE IS DEFINITELY WORKING CLOSER WITH THEM THAN EVEN KEITH IS… “

“ Now…I’m not saying Lance- wanting to improve his worth as a paladin and keep his spot on the team against SHIRO and ALLURA…he would go to Kollivan and genuinely request training. BUT IM SAYING YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT BOM LANCE BECAUSE I HAVENT STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT “

“ lance learns hand to hand from the blade, they hesitate at first because hes human and not even half galra…but he comes to them before even one of their own does…they also appreciate the fact he actually LEARNS from them and he wants to learn. he doesnt give them as much lip and its clear that he’s the new leader of the team even when hes not “

“ kollivan when asking about the coalition goes to lance first from now on. sure he treats allura with the same respect but in terms of inter species relationships he just skips the bull and asks lance for his opinion. when theres a big meeting and everyone swapped lions and keith and allura are arguing over plans- he turns to lance and they have a whisper convo and decide between themself what to do “

“ but like- imagine the blade getting somewhat attached to the squishy human. they could even be “fond” of him. NICKNAMES… “

“ his favorite teacher besides kollivan is an older buffer galra woman who pats his head and calls him “kid” all the time. kollivan himself calls him “The Good Shot” or something in Galran that when they hear it no one one understands accept Coran he gets like..whiplash. “

Lance is the first person to figure out how to modify his Bayard. He also has the strongest connection to any of lions- his qualities as a leader go completely noticed and Kollivan gives him a nickname (its a very offhanded comment after a particularly harrowing meeting where the aliens were threatening war because voltron worked with the blade but Lance had stood up and calmly but FIERCELY advocated for the BoM)

The name pretty much translates to a rough form of “Honorary Family Member” and “One of Us”

The other blades give him “Looks” but he gives them “His Own Look” and soon enough most of them call Lance by it and he’s hella confused hut it sounds cool so he rolls with it.

Coran pulls him to the side though and explains, and Lance doesn’t cry then but in his room he does because “WOW’ 

In return for the gesture he makes it a point to refer to the blades as “part of the team unconditionally” and he fights tooth and nail for them to be accepted by others. He really doesn’t know how else he can return the gesture because it means that much to him...

Imagine that theres a pretty big battle. Lance gets knocked down because keith put him in the wrong spot and he knew it was wrong but he didnt want to argue with keith. 

he gets knocked down and his bayard goes flying and everyone just like..PAnics...because its almost certain injury or worse and and and

And Lance growls, grappling with his attacker and thrwing some pretty gnarly punches. He fights so differently now, its wider and also more controlled. He fights like a Blade now and it shows and he summons  his bayard back because thats something he been secretly working on- not only that but he took off from the idea of modifyinghis weapon of choice to making an entirely different weapon  in this case somethng more ideal for close quarter combat.

By the end of it, the whole team realizes they’ve missed something. something BIG.

Because Lance is huffing and puffing and moving lifeless bodies out of his way like their simple annoyances- he flicks his bayard back to his side and gathers up whatever got dropped. Someone wearing the blade armor and helmet comes barreling through and puts him in like..this weirdly friendly headlock- saying things like “Atta boy! You did a decent number on them kid.”

Kollivan shows up, gets a brief description- he grins, a full toothy grin thats sorta unnerving on a normally stoic face. He claps Lance on the shoulder and unlike the weeks/months prior Lance doesnt sway or bow over he just laughs and nods along easily morphing into the conversing galra.

needless to say- the team as a whole gets a little whiplash...

[sakurabaneku]

KATSUCON HOLY FUCK

it was such a whirlwind weekend i dont even know what happened everything happened

i somehow managed to miss going to ANY panels because i’m disorganized and i spent a lot of the con just wandering the con floor and talkng to people and being generally overwhelmed by the entire thing. id have liked to go to SOME but it was still amazng so idgaf

highlights

thor with the speaker in his hammer. thors jamming hammer blaring call me maybe in a packed elevator

ALL THE TEAM SKULL GRUNTS they were all hilarious. especial shoutout to the huge group of them that packed themselves into an elevator while shouting elevator party. 

SPEAKING OF ELEVATORS god all im talkng about here are the elevators i did more than stand in elevators i swear BUT THAT ONE REINHARDT! HOW! DID! HE! FIT! IN! AN! ELEVATOR! I SAW HIM GO IN BUT H O W

all weekend i saw people posting pics of the snorlax and COULDNT FIND SNORLAX AND THEN! SUNDAY! I FOUND HIM!!!! I LOVE YOU SNORLAX my greatest regret in life is not gettng a snorlax selfie. i failed. shame on me.

WEARING REMYS JOSHUA COSTUME THURSDAY AFTERNOON WAS SO GOOD I FELT SHOCKNGLY GOOD IN HIM two people recognized me while i was pretending to climb in a trashcan. it was excellent. there was a lot of twewy at that con in general. its keeping me alive rn

ALL THE TSUBASA/CLAMP COSPLAY!!!!!!!! THERE WAS SO MUCH OH MY G OD spending saturday night sitting and talkng about tsubasa and my otp was so great. 

just?? being fai in general? i was so worried about that costume and i thought id hate how i looked BUT I LOVED IT I LOVE HIM and i got such a positive response?? people FLIPPED and were generally adorable and also hilarious. i was chased down while walking out of the hotel and it MADE MY NIGHT. god i love fai I LOVE HIM. my private shoot for him went really well and the previews looked so pretty im SO EXCITED

AND i hosted my first public shoot which wasnt the most organized affair but everyone seemed to have fun! i’m planning on setting up a clamp day shoot for ab so HEY if youre considering bringing somethng clamp to that con. hey hey.

in general actually cosplaying enstars was pretty underwhelming ngl but i got to talk to some fun people cause of it and it totally wasnt a bad experience it just wasnt as exciting as some of the other costumes i wore that like, i worked really hard on and challenged myself with and got a really good response for? im figuring out i dont like buying cosplay too much for myself bc I CANT MAKE SHIT EASY!! but the enstars meetup was really fun and i wish i talked to more people! i mostly was just chilling with some knights. also holy fuck speaking of knights there was the most attractive and canon izumi and arashi i took a pic of arashi picking izumi up. it was gold. they were gold. 

ALSO i totally walked by a rei cosplayer on sunday when i was ritsu and had no idea until their friend shouted YOUR BROTHER LOVES YOU which was pretty great and they were also freaking perfect and extremely pretty. there were a lot of extremely pretty people at this con. katsucon isnt an anime convention its just a convention for gorgeous people. with mad skills. 

I MET! A WHOLE! BUNCH! OF MY FAVORTE COSPLAYERS! very briefly. i was too geeky to actually properly TALK to most of them but i tried. i was probably a total embarrassment when i ran into cowbuttcrunchies at the elevators ahjkjh WHOOPS SORRY. another fav cosplayer who wasnt at the con also commented on a selfie of mine on insta and i had about 20 heart attacks. i am still havng 20 heart attacks

ALSO! being soowon was soo much fun and LITERALLY RIGHT WHEN I GOT IN THE ELEVATORS some people freaked and i died. i actually got way more attention for that costume than i expected

the most beautiful mercy like, ever (AND THERE ARE A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL MERCYS THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL MERCY AT EVERY CORNER OF THE CON) complimented my wig and asked about wig commissions which WHOA whoa someday ill get my life together right and do those SOMEDAY

I DIDNT GET TO DO A GAZEBO PICTURE i was gonna on thursday but i got distracted by trashcans and also by meeting friends. but the gazebo is as legendary and terrifying as i had been told it was JAM FUCKNG PACKED for almost all of friday/saturday

goshgoshGOSH I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE!! I BOUGHT SOME GORGEOUS PRINTS AND I FOUND CAPRI BOOKMARKS WHICH NIIICE but i found a heartstoppngly pretty sormik print and a SICK ASS akatsuki no yona one 

also my charm collection grows. a jaehee was laughing at how heavy my wallet must be because of all the charms. but look theres quality shit there and i fuckng love charms

SPEAKNG OF OH MY G O D joscelyn bought leoizus and leo just. disappeared. he fuckng lionhearted it the fuck out of there i cant believe leoizu breakup happened in my bag. incredible. it was sad he disappeared but joscelyns face when i got her a new leo was so cute SO 

there was so much more that happened and i cant even remember right now it was all SO MUCH and there were definite low points and some rough patches and now my feet hurt SO BAD and i also caught con plague and slept in an airport last night but it was still just such an incredible weekend and im so ready and excited to get cracking on anime boston cosplay

once. i figure out what i wanna do for ab cosplay. 

[semenguine]

it’s. just after 7:30 when i har the nock. 7:35 maybe. or 7:40. imin the twins room. chaing their diapers. and. im finishing up with adelpha. i’m putting on diaper cream. she’s drooling. i’m already miserable because of what happend to me because of what i did. two nightsb efore i. 

i was stupid. the kock comes again. and. i tape adelpha’s diaper on and pick her up and give her butt a little pat and she just goes n drooling. and i put her in the same crib as her sister becase they dont cry when i leave the room if theyre togetehr. and i see eden trying to get down the stairs and i tell her no no ill get it. and she says ok. and shes really hungover anyway not just alcohol all sorts of shit. so she hobles back to bed. 

the person knocks aigan. i shold have. lookd through the pephole but i didnt. ijust opened the door. i thought maybe itwas the mailman or somethng, bit. t wanst

i open the door. and ts him . and i freeze for a second and. hes stronger thanme because everybody us and. the next thing i know. hes in my home. and. he closes the door an locks it and. i dcant breathe. and i wish i never went to him.and remibded him i exist. that we exist. and i frorgot he knowswhere i live.  

what re .you diong in here i whisper. i messaged eden, he says and he pouts. but she didnt reply and it really hurt my geelings. i just awnted to come by and see if shes ok. pleaes dont hurt eeden, i say. pelase. please. she shouldnt have left me on read he esays. thats crazy i say. please hurt me instead dont hurt her please. she’s isck she broke he rankle i say desperately. please.

he grabs me by the wrist and says if i have to go looking for her things are only gonna get worse for her. where is she? i want to cry he holds on to me so tight i take him to me and eden’s bedroom.gary pushes me in ahead of him.

i stumble. who was at the door? eden asks. p-put this on, eden, you have to, i say quickly, i rush over and bring her her shirt and shorts- why she says. does someone wanna talk to me? she clutches her head and she groans. yes eden please, i say. are you okay? she asks. she’s a little shaken up, says gary. eden’s eyes go wide. gary grabs my wrist again. don’t hurt her please, i beg. he ignoesm e. 

what the hell are you doign in my house? eden demands. she’s more alert now. she. grabs the clothes and he lets go of me and walks right over and yanks them out of her hands. you won’t need those, he says. for the shit im gonna do to you. you aint ifnna do shit to me, edn says. angrily. you know what i dont care what you here for. let me show you the exit and maybe ill jus t tell the police you got lost.

you won’t tell the police anything, he says. because they don’t give a fuck. you know that. eden’s chest rises and falls. she doesn’t say anything. why didn’t you reply to my texts? he asks. cause i dont like to entertain crazy people, eden spits. aw, gary says. im not crazy. im just angry. you understand, dont you? its kinda like how it was, his eyes narrow. when you broke my nose. you know? or maybe how sierra felt, he gr abs me again and pshes me onto the bed. when she made me lose my FUCKING job! his nostrils flare and he takes a deep breath.

tears are streaming down my face please gary i beg. i cant pay rent he rants. i have to move back in with ym mom next month. what do you want ,eden says. i hear your ankles broken that true? gary asks. eden looks at me i swallow. gary pulls the covers off eden, who scrambls to cgover herself. thats cute, gary mocks. thats how you lseep huh? in your little dino undies. youre a psychopath eden says. i cry .

you’ll never be a real man edne says gary. oh thank god says eden. you couldnt give y our wife what she needs gary whispers. so ehe came trunning to me. the fact tha t you’re violent and evil enough that a sexual abuse survivor wlould come to you  when she want s to retraumatize herself is a weird fl ex eden replies. 

shut up, says gary. he gets in to the bed no please i say please dont hurt her. he wont edensays. he smiles at her. you think youre so tough that youre such a man he says. well men he squeezes her chest and she shoves his hand away and raises her arms defensively oevr it. dont hav e .these. youre just something else arent you but, when it comes to babymaking you do the mans job dont you eden he whispers. so i guess you’re moer man than girl.

eden’s dead silent and then she attakcs him.but shes hungoer and her ankle is broken. all i he gdoes is put pressure on her ankle and shes cries ou tin pain nad he pins her down to the bed. no i cry. gary please. bring me some tape he orders me and maybe ill be gentle. i dont knwo what else to do so ijsut agree. 

i fee stupid as soon as ai bring it back he tapes over eden’s mouth. it muffles her screams. she kicks and thrashes and tries to get him off but hres pinnedh er arms down her noiesse increasie in fratnicness as he pull sh er underwwar off her. he strts talking . about hoe we ruined his life and how much he loves watchinglesibian porn and alwaysa wishe he could be part o i now look he ist and how rede n will never be a man . eden kicks desperately. shes’ cryingnad triyng to scream i can tell but the tape the stupid dape.

i grab on to garys legs please stop i plead she didnt do anything please. he kicks me and i fall off the bed. i land hard. i cant move im so dizzy. i just lie there and my whole body hurts. eden screams nad itheres nothing  i can do. when gary tells her she’s so tight she makwes a good woman in some ways there isnt anythin g i can do.

that hurts doent it gary syays this is what you did to me this is what you did to my life now how does it feel. wish there was a bit more space in hre eh says. so short i can only fit ab out half of me in but then i guess its cause ths little hole donest lead to anywhere huh ? how sad. i hate fucking you its so messy .so much damn blood. 

edens still screinamng. i hatem yeslf i hate myself for leading  him here. i never wantedto hurt anyone you knwo that? gary starts crying. but you bitches made me. i had to do this. you did nt give me a choice. hekeeps goinga nd going. he takes the tape off eden’s mouth i har the rip but he 

she doesn’t screma for long he cms in her mouth she starts gurgling an d coughing. theres a slapping nois e fucking swallow it you bitch he tells her to suck the b lod off. eshes crinyg and sobbing and choking. stop it, i try again. my voice is weak and stupid. please.

t then. one fo the twins starts crying i am fiilled with fear. oh he says i almost forgot. i haen’t met your kids yet. NO, i cry. no don’t hurt them gary please they’re just babies they’ven ever done anythign to yo uplease, i sob. please please don’t hurt them please don’t hurt my babies don’t hurt my babies. i crawl to his feet hurt me instead i beg. 

i look at eden and there’s so mcuch blood on the sheets and on her elsgs i almost scream. she looks e mpty. thersf cum a an d spit allover her chin. he looks at me and gets up. no i scream desp earetly. i grab on to his legs and try to hodl him back . please please i sob. dont touch my babies ont hurt my babies.

i just want to say hi, he says. but. do you know how easy it is to suffocate a baby? NO PlEASE, i sob. eden drags herself out of bed. she half crawls half drags herself along the floor. i if you la y a fucing hand on my  k kids ill kill you, she says hoarsely. yo ucant even stand gary says.

d dont need to shes cryig. to kill you. gary drags me along and i mst il l cilinging trying to hold him back. eden drags hers elf to the nursery. a mara is crying. she.cant get up eden whispers throug hthe crib bars its o k. dadas her e. 

gary tries to get closer i bite him. get away from me! he shakes his leg btu i keep clinging. adelpha starts crying too i can tell they are scared both of the babies they are bot hscared. i sob. gary gets closer. edeng goes crazy she. growls . aa nd. claws and bites himhe cant  shake her off. 

he moves back. eden glares at him on all fours naked, blood trickling down her legs the cum drying on her chin tears all over her face gr ubting and pantimg animalitcially she bear s her teeth at h im . oyu’re pathe tic he say s. look at y ou. but i can i thin k he is scared .

hopefully he says. you wont ig nore one of my mes sages agin. right? you’ll fuckin rspond back wont oyu? edens silent . wont ouy? he demands. i look at eden p l adingly. hshe look at me and back at the tw ins. yes she says. good. he says. youre no t a man . you can never mke a gir lhappy. dont for get, gary sneers. and if y out tell te police about this i’ll make your lives a awliving hell.

he grabs me by the wrist and throws me to the floor and ki cks my rirbs in. i scrmea. stop it, edne says. sotp it, he mocks. stop it. he kick s me gain and then says . . i think im ight stay her for abit. you havea guest room dnot you?

no ,eden lies . he smile s. well make one, he says . hhhe went out buty hell be back. thats what scares me the most is he’l be back hes stayign nad anything coudl hapen. he tt tok pictures of eden. nad hell s hare them out  ii f. we odnt do what he says. 

i dont tihn k i hav e to watch you he said . you two are sma rt people. i thinkyou know hwat it ocudl do to eden’s career.

and h hes right we kno w so we cant get help we cant do an y hting. were at ihis mercy .

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.

[sexysilverstrider]

"You can't fall in love with a video game character."

The character: