#THE LAST SAD PART TEASER FOR TONIGHT I PROMISE

[callsignspark]

sobbing. send wine and tissues. maybe a weighted blanket. help

oh bestie that’s not even the worst of it

This time there’s a mustache struggling to grow-in as his lip trembles. One that makes him look so much like Goose, that the last thing Carole said before she went collapsed was, “I’ll miss you, Nick.”

[yourfavewriteress]

right under our noses (part 3) | colton parayko

intro | part 1 | part 2

Teaser: "Don’t worry, you can buy me a drink some other time.”

“I’m not wearing that,” You rolled your eyes from Alex and Jayne’s kitchen stool. You were over their house because Jayne begged you to join her at the game, and their outing after. Usually, you found someway to deny the invitation, but she had gotten much more persistent, especially with the plan in place.

You didn’t know that Jayne’s new motivation was to get you and Colton to finally realize your compatibility. She had been watching you two separately for a few years shy of a decade. Although you had many similar traits, Colton respected Alex too much to every go against his wishes. Now with Alex’s blessing, Jayne definitely had something new to  invest her energy in.

Alex pouted at you, “I think it’s a sin that you’ve never worn my jersey to a game.”

“The only reason I’m going to this game is for you and Jayne, isn’t that enough?”

“Some friend you are,” He grumbled under his breath as he poured himself a cup of coffee. 

“Jayne is going to be wearing your jersey,” You responded. “I’ll let her be your best friend.”  

“For the record, if it was your game, I would wear your jersey.”

“How nice of you,” You smiled, patting his shoulder. “Shouldn’t you be gone by now, though?”

Alex looked down at the watch on his wrist, pushing himself off of the counter he was leaned against. “Lucky for you, yes.”

“I might even do a nice celly after you shut the door behind you, maybe that’ll cheer you up.”

“Babe!” Alex called out to Jayne who was currently upstairs getting ready, ignoring your comment. “I’m leaving now!”

As you scrolled mindlessly through Instagram on your phone, Alex left the kitchen and you could hear their muffled voices talking. To avoid cringing, you moved to their living room, turning on the TV to drown out their conversation.

“Is she coming out tonight?” Alex whispered to Jayne once he found her upstairs.

“Yes, she promised me. Do you have a plan?”

“No,” Alex scoffed. “This was your idea! You don’t have a plan?”

“Shut up,” Jayne rolled her eyes, looking at her husband’s reflection in the mirror as she put the final touches on her makeup. “Last week, they talked for a little at the bar, which was a good start.”

“Yeah, and she said she hoped he was the guy. By the way, does she remember that?”

Alex and Jayne shared many things. One of which was love for you and Colton as close friends. Alex had know Colton for years, and has been a source of support for him as he came into a better man and better player. He has seen his incredible growth, but also been there to see the sadness that had started to cloud his shoulders. Colton was a dominant player, but just like any team, things didn’t always seem so positive. Colton took this the hardest, and Alex wished he didn’t think so critically of himself when he has steadily been improving.

He most likely would never admit this, but you were one of Alex’s favorite people in his life. You were the sister he never had, even though you were Jayne’s friend first. It’s why he was so quick to claim you were off-limits to the team, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if pain was brought on you from someone he allowed into your life. From what he and Jayne talked about, and your own conversations with him, he knew you had been through a lot, and the very last thing you needed was heart break. 

“I asked her what the last thing she remembered was, and she said it was our last dance before we left.”

“So, that’s a no,” Alex sighed.

“Unfortunately. But, it does let us know we picked well.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I have to be at the rink, but I’ll think about it and you think, too. We have to get them to talk again tonight, at least once.”

“Agreed.” He pressed a kiss to her lips gently to not mess up her make up. “You look beautiful, by the way.”

“Thank you, baby. Good luck out there, even though you don’t need it.”

Alex kissed her once more before gathering his things. On the way out, he ruffled your hair, before leaving you both in the home.

“Jayne!” You groaned about twenty minutes later. “Alex left like an hour ago, how are you still not ready?”

“It has not been an hour, but he made me mess up my makeup so I had to start over,” She lied, walking out of their bedroom with one shoe on, the other in her hand. Really, she had been pacing the room figuring out ways to subtly get you and Colton together. But, subtlety wasn’t her strong suit.

“Can we go now?”

“Relax, you act like someone is going to steal our seats.”

“Well, sorry if I like to be on time for things,” You rolled your eyes. “I’ve already heard Alex bitching me about not wearing his jersey, and I don’t want to hear it if we miss the drop.”

“Our ride will be here in 10, I promise I’m ready,” She said, putting on her shoe. “See? Making progress.”

“Just hurry up.”

And, Jayne did. Although the ride was early, you both made it to the car and then the arena, immediately being engulfed with the WAGs of the team. It was awkward, being the only non-WAG in the area. 

It felt like every other woman in your area was side-eyeing you, trying to figure who you were here with, or for. You immediately regretted fighting Alex so hard on wearing his jersey. Maybe then, the wannabe puck bunnies wouldn’t be sending you so much bad energy.

“You good?” Jayne nudged you with her elbow once she noticed how quiet you had gotten.

“Yeah, just waiting for the game to start.”

“Do you need me to go over the rules again?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks,” You said. “I wish we could sit in our own section, though. Away from all the eyes.”

Jayne looked around, shrugging, “It’s the same thing every time. Haters always hate.”

Much like many of the other games, you sat observantly as the players and teams cheered and boo’ed throughout the game. You kept track of the score, which was just about all you could understand, and made sure to stand when everyone else was. Really, all you were looking forward to was the night at the bar with drinks, and dim lights that you could hide behind.

 “Listen, man,” Alex whispered to Colton later in the locker room. Colton leaned closer to him, to hear. “You should be on your best behavior tonight.”

“She’s going to be there?”

“I’m not one hundred percent sure,” Alex lied, again. “But the invite was given, and Jayne and I can be very convincing.”

“This still doesn’t give me any idea who she is,” Colton sighed. “We just won, basically everyone is going to be there.”

“That’s the point, idiot,” Alex shook his head. “You have to work for it.”

Colton rolled his eyes, “I really hope you guys know what you're doing.”

“And, I really hope you stop being a buzzkill. Live for once, my friend, this could be great.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Colton left the locker room shortly after that conversation, wanting to stop by his apartment before meeting everyone at the bar. As Colton drove to his place, he neglected to turn on any music, simply driving with his thoughts.

He thought about all the possibilities of who Alex and Jayne could be attempting to set him up with. He thought about that girl he met at one of Alex’s Sunday barbecues. The same girl he went on a date with and wanted to leave twenty minutes in. Hopefully not. 

He tried to remember the last time he was genuinely interested in getting to know a woman on a romantic level. Yeah, sex has happened regularly, but nothing that would hold his attention for too long. He felt drained, from all the new people coming in and out of his life. He wanted something stable. He wanted what Alex and Jayne had. He wanted someone that he could trust, with his deepest emotions. The ones he bottled in. He wanted someone to trust him, too, and let him in to their emotions. He wanted a real connection with one woman. One that would last.

Surprisingly, although not to Jayne and Alex, Colton thought about you, too. At first, it was because he wondered if you actually made any moves on quitting your job and finding a new one. He wanted to ask, and he made a note in his head to get your number from Alex or Jayne so that he could reach out to you himself. As soon as he thought about asking Alex, he thought about you potentially being the one for him.

He had always found you attractive, since he first laid eyes on you. Alex knew it. Jayne knew it. And, Colton knew it. Everyone except you. He thought you were funny, smart, really easy to talk to, but also a mystery. All he knew was, Alex made it very clear that you were off limits. There’s no way it’s Y/N, he thought. But a man can dream. 

He knew you were strong minded, and respectful to everyone you encountered. He knew your smile was one that he had gotten used to seeing, as it hardly ever left your face whenever you were around him and the guys. You were his dream girl, but a dream nonetheless. Especially when Alex was there to enforce that you were left alone by all the guys. Or so he thought. He thought about how, although he has known you since the beginning of his NHL career in 2012, he didn’t know you. He knew you had layers, and you would only let someone really special uncover them.

By the time he had made it to his place and changed, you had settled at the bar after a twenty minute conversation with Jayne about ‘not looking so closed off.’

You scoffed to yourself, thinking about Jayne’s “suggestions.” Although coming from a good place, you knew for a fact you weren’t closed off, whatever that means. How I look is how I look, how the hell can I change that? And, how the hell can I change how other people feel I look if I don’t agree myself? This is going to be a long two months.

“Boo,” You heard in your ear. You jumped, leaning away to look at who the culprit was.

Rolling your eyes, “Of course. Someone who always invades my bubble.”

Grinning widely, Vince took the seat next to you. “Did I scare you?”

“Yeah, by whispering in my ear like a weirdo,” You complained.

“You’ll get over it,” He laughed. “How have you been?”

You and Vince met right after he was drafted to St. Louis. You even helped him get to know some of the guys on the team. He was the one player that you always had a nice friendship with outside of Alex. You would definitely be lying if you said he wasn’t nice to look at, and talk to. Besides the occasional flirty line, things with Vince always seemed to remain platonic, not that you thought about it being more. Okay, maybe you have. But, a hockey player was not a path you wanted to go down. And, Vince was a great friend. More out there than what you’re used to, but always respectful.

Over the years, Vince appeared to be coming into his own, as a player and a man. Subtle changes like how he talked and walked showed you that he had definitely done some maturing since you first met.

“So, you’re quitting?” Vince raised his eyebrows after you had updated him on work.

“Soon, probably,” You shrugged.

“Probably?”

“I haven’t made a decision yet,” You said. “My bills are getting paid, do I really want to play around with that?”

“I get that,” He nodded. “But, I’m a fan for you not being miserable everyday. You don’t deserve that, come on.”

He leaned over, gently nudging you with his shoulder. It was an innocent gesture, but you couldn’t help the heat that rose in your neck, up to your face. You quickly scanned the bar, looking away from him to hide the flush present. Don’t worry, he definitely noticed.

“Besides work, what’s going on in your life?” He asked, waving over the bartender.

“Nothing really,” You let out a laugh.

He rolled his eyes, “I don’t believe that.”

“Seriously,” You said. “I’ve been working nonstop lately. That’s definitely taken up all my energy.”

“You’re not seeing anyone, then?” You furrowed your eyebrows at him, and even harder when he began to smile. Before you could respond, however, the bartender spoke.

“What can I get you?” He asked Vince.

“I’ll take a beer, and whatever she’s having,” Vince motioned towards you. The bartender turned to you, and you looked at Vince.

“You’re not paying for my drinks tonight, Vincent.”

“Stop calling me that,” He warned, rolling his eyes again. “And, yes I am.”

“No,” You responded. “I’m not letting you do this again.”

“Don’t worry, you can buy me a drink some other time,” He flashed a smile at you. You paused, shaking your head at him in disbelief. “Next time I see you.”

You turned to the bartender, “I’ll have the most expensive margarita you could possibly make, thanks.”

Vince chuckled next to you, “I’ll definitely be opening up a tab.”

“You’re annoying,” You huffed.

“I know,” He said. “You still never answered my question, though.”

“Which one? You’re asking a lot tonight.”

He rolled his eyes, sucking his teeth at you, “You know which one.”

“No, I’m not seeing anyone, Vince.” 

“Maybe that’s because you never come out with us.”

“Maybe,” You shrugged. “Maybe not.”

“We’ll never know,” He sang.

“When I get my drink, I’m going back to the table. I’ve had enough of you,” You said, smiling. Vince laughed, throwing his head back.

“You’re a trip,” He said. “I really missed you being out with us, though, seriously.”

“Yeah, I missed you guys, too,” You nodded. “I’ll be out more, I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” He smiled as the bartender placed our drinks in front of us. 

“Do you want a ride later?” He asked. It wasn’t unusual for Vince to drive you home instead of Alex and Jayne when you joined the team. Your house was actually closer to his than Alex and Jayne’s, which was convenient. You had figured that out one night when Alex and Jayne drove the both of you home, Vince having had too much to drink to take himself back.

“I was supposed to leave with Alex and Jayne but I’m sure they’ll be all over each other like they are now,” You laughed. “Sure.”

“Okay, find me whenever you want to go.” You wondered why he was so sure he wouldn’t want to take someone else home, but didn’t question him nonetheless.

You nodded, sliding off the stool. “Thanks for the drink, and I’ll be sure to put the rest on your tab, too.”

He laughed, “Yeah, whatever.”

When you went back to the table, you noticed that everyone was gone. All but Colton, who was seated with a drink in front of him and his eyes glued to his phone. You continued walking over, playfully swiping you hand over his screen as you sat next to him. 

“Hey,” You smiled.

“Hi,” He returned a smile, placing his phone on the table.

“Why are you sitting here alone?”

“The guys all left to dance and I’m not really feeling the music.”

A mix of ‘Superbass’ by Nicki Minaj was playing and your jaw dropped. “You refused to dance to this?”

He laughed, “Yes.”

“Colton, I’m disappointed in you,” You shook your head. “This is a classic!”

“I know but that doesn’t mean I have to dance to it.”

“Fair,” You thought. “Did you know I could rap the whole first verse?”

“Can you?” He raised his eyebrows, and you nodded in response. “I have to see that.”

“Probably not,” You laughed. “Actually, definitely not.”

“Well, I can’t just take your word for it, I have to see it myself!” He defended.

“Oh, no, you’re gonna have to take my word on this one, buddy.”

“Not fair, at all,” He shook his head. “Total tease.”

You laughed, “Ask me again when we’re not in a crowded bar.”

“Oh, I definitely will,” He said. “Were you at the game tonight?”

“Yeah, you guys played really well,” You nodded.

“Yeah?” 

You furrowed your eyebrows at his surprise, “You don’t think? You won.”

“Sure, but it’s not just about winning for me. I feel like I’ve been slacking this season,” He admitted.

“I’m sorry, but have we been experiencing the same season?” You asked, incredulously. “You have been playing amazing, everyone has been talking about your improvement.”

“Really?”

You sighed, “Colton Parayko, have some faith in yourself.”

You could see him blush lightly at your words, shaking his head, “Stop.”

You tried to ignore the warm feeling you felt in your stomach looking at him, taking a sip of your drink. “You’ve been playing great, honest. And, you know I’m not one for fake flattery.”

“I trust your word.”

“You know what could bring your mood up?” You straightened up in your seat. “Sh-”

“-Hey, sorry to bother you, but my friends just went to dance and I don’t want to sit alone. Can I join you guys?”

“Sure, of course.” Although she was much closer to the seat next to you, she chose to sit next to Colton, immediately smiling up at him. You laughed under your breath, catching on to what she was doing.

“I think she's here for you,” You whispered so only Colton could hear you. “I’m Y/N, this is Colton. What’s your name?”

“Amy, it’s nice to meet you,” She said, looking directly at Colton. Colton looked over at you, amusement in his eyes.

“Uhm, yeah, you, too,” Colton responded. 

“Have you guys been enjoying the music tonight? It’s kind of hard to hear it if you’re on the dance floor, though, which sucks.”

“That reminds me, I have to find Jayne,” You said, standing up, not before smirking at Colton. “But, he was just telling me about how he really likes that Nicki Minaj song they just played. It’s one of his faves right now.”

Colton laughed, shaking his head at you as Amy turned her full attention to him.  

“Have fun,” You mouthed to him, before you turned around to find Alex and Jayne.

At the end of the night, and after spending most of your time on the floor with Jayne, everyone with the team was outside to make sure everyone had a safe ride home. For a bunch of independent adults, one thing you admired about the Blues was the care they had for one another, especially after a night of drinking.

“Are you ready?” Alex asked you, his arm around Jayne.

“Yeah, but actually Vince offered to take me home.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s on the way,” You shrugged. “I don’t think he drank tonight.”

“Wait, one sec,” Jayne pulled away from Alex to pull you from everyone else. “Vince?”

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows. “He’s driven me home before.”

“He’s taking you to your place, that’s it, right?”

“Jesus Christ, Jayne, who do you think I am?” You laughed. “I am not sleeping with Vince Dunn, at least not tonight.”

She narrowed her eyes at the last part, pointing a warning finger at you, “No.”

“So, I guess it’s not Vince?” You smirked, crossing your arms around your chest.

“What’s not Vince?” You turned around, locking eyes with said person as he approached you both.

Jayne slapped your arm, “Nothing, just sad she’s not riding with us anymore.”

“You act like you’ll never see me again,” You teased her, playing along.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get her home in one piece,” Vince smiled. “Ready?”

“Yes,” You nodded before looking back at Jayne. “I’ll call you when I get home so you can tell me all about how mad you are I’m not letting you take me home instead.”

“Fuck off.”

“Do you guys even like each other?” Vince laughed after you returned your middle finger back to its place. 

“We love each other,” You responded, following him towards his car. He opened the door for you, holding his hand out to guide you inside.

“Thank you,” You smiled. He nodded, and closed the door gently. You watched as he made his away around the car before sliding into the driver’s sear. After starting the car, he tapped a few buttons on the monitor.

“Pick your vibe, Y/N,” He said, connecting your phone to his bluetooth. It had been months since you were in Vince’s car, and you phone name was ‘Jill Nora,’ nothing near your actual name.

“Why do you have my phone saved?” You laughed. “And, how do you even know that’s me?”

“I let you connect every time you’re in here because last time you saw a text I got and wouldn’t let me live it down for weeks.”

You smirked knowingly, before selecting a song from your playlist. As Vince pulled off, you let the soft music fill the car. The streets were pretty empty on your way back, and Vince had such a nice car that you could barely feel the potholes he drove over.

“Before you go,” Vince said once you were a few blocks away from your home. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How would you feel about going out with me?”

You were expecting this.... Vince never failed to flirt with you, it was almost in his DNA. But, you knew past all that, you were friends. Attractive friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. Also, Jayne made it very clear that it wasn’t him. You agreed.

“Vince,” You started, “What body part are you thinking with right now?”

“Come on, you can’t tell me we wouldn’t have fun.”

“Well, what I’m looking for is much more than fun,” You said as he pulled into your driveway. 

“You don’t think I can be serious?”

“If you wanted to, you could. But, I don’t think I’m your person, Vince.”

He pouted, “You’re breaking my heart.”

You laughed, opening the car door. “You are hot as hell, Vincent. You know that, but you also know we would not be a good match in the long run. I’d much rather keep you as a friend than end up hating you.”

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x12: Don't say we'll have to let it go...

After a very stressful morning and several moments in which I was close to a full sanity slip completely unrelated to this, it is high time (heck, it's the highest of times, if you know what I mean) I got to the new HSMTMTS, the last one for a while.

I'm honestly scared, though. This morning I thought nothing could make me more nervous today than the whole ordeal I had to go through, but now that I'm here, I'm super scared and anxious. I don't even want to say it, but... what if this is... you know what I'm thinking. We're all thinking it. I just hope we're wrong in a good way.

I feel like I might die of anxiety, so I guess I'll just dive in. Whatever will be, will be.

Supportive Nini is best Nini. Honestly, I haven't liked her all season as much as I do now. The background, behind-the-scenes role seems to fit her a lot better than the lead. I hope to see more of her like this when (fingers crossed!!!) the show comes back.

Ashlyn, on the other hand, is a perfect lead. She was born for this, and it shows. It shows so much that everybody has finally noticed it. They took their time, didn't they?

Ugh, I hate, hate, hate this kind of moment that happens every time when someone has prepared a surprise for someone else — and we saw that twice this season — once with Carlos at his Quinceañero, and now with Ashlyn. I mean the moment before they find out about the surprise and they feel like they've been forgotten and it's all so sad... at least I know whatever my boy Reddy has planned for his girl will make up for that sort of feeling. I can't wait!

Ahhhhh @redlyncentral you called it! You called it big time! I can't say I wasn't expecting it to be something like this, though, because I trust your sixth sense more than I trust mine — and I trust mine a lot. Also, if anyone deserves to have their name in lights, it's Ashlyn. And remember when she told Big Red that, to make things light up, he just had to walk into a room? Or when he told her that the only thing he'd throw at her was a brighter spotlight? You know, I think that, just like airports are Portwell's thing, lights are Redlyn's thing. And that is so beautiful... I am legitimately crying.

Yikes... see, it's one thing when Nini calls Ricky 'Richard'. But it's another thing entirely when Kourtney calls Howie 'Howard'. Gosh, I hope they clear things up. If Howie has something to say (as in, some secret to come clean about, if you catch my drift), he'd better do it now. I was never too invested in Kowie, but it still hurts to see tension between them.

Ok, but... these two are too dorky for words! I mean, you're telling me Howie was acting that way just because of how nervous Kourtney's talent made him? Oh well, I feel like I can understand that, actually. She's a powerhouse. But also, everyone around here needs to learn a lesson or two from Redlyn. About communication, reciprocity, expression of feelings... it's no accident that they're the parents of the drama club. But this is not about them. Oh, who am I kidding? With me, everything is about them. Unless it's about Seblos or Portwell. Never mind. Moving on.

I am trying very hard not to have a visible or audible reaction because my brother is in the room and I'm supposed to be working, but... EJ had his dad put in a good word for Mr Mazzara at Caltech. And that is something that makes me feel feelings I can't very easily put into words. Also, what does that mean for Mr M's future at East High?

As clear as the imprint of Jamie's words is to see on EJ's face, I feel like he's not giving up on Portwell quite yet. 'Play it by ear' sounded quite promising to me, all things considered.

Not Ricky and Nini writing the same thing in slightly different words... again! I absolutely get why people ship them, at least on the surface level I do, but I really can't see them as a couple anymore. That is not to say, however, that I'm not rooting for them on their way to figuring out how to be 'just' friends. (See, I'm not a big fan of the expression 'just friends', as if it's something less than a romantic relationship, so...) They could be the best friends ever. If, and only if they learn to communicate properly. All kinds of relationships require good communication. I feel like I'm saying that a lot, but, you know, if it's true...

I can't look at Miss Jenn the same way after last week's episode. The Menkies have turned her, quite frankly, into a monster. She's too obsessed with beating Zacky Roy to notice how she's treating her students who have always been nothing but devoted to her and the play. Well, some of them anyway... I feel like it's time for Carlos to reconsider his opinion of her... and I know it must be painful, and the least thing I'd ever wish for him is pain, but... sometimes certain painful things are necessary. I just hope everyone comes out of this alright. I think I might not, though. I've been crying for a while already.

No... why is Gina crying? My girl needs a hug... Oh, here comes Nini. This seems like it's been a long time coming.

This was beautiful... only one character played by an actress named Olivia will be redeemed today. And it's the right one, if I do say so myself.

Alright, who called it? Gina connecting Nini with her brother about her music, I mean. I know for a fact someone here called it. If you happen to be that genius and you read this, please come forward in the notes to get the credit you deserve. This is... a little too perfect to be true, but I feel like it's the best way to connect and wrap up several storylines with one blow. And I love when that happens. Gosh, why does this feel like a series finale? Please tell me I'm wrong. I am not ready. I will never be ready. Ok, maybe one day I will be, but not anytime soon. Please tell me my feeling is deceiving me this time.

Oh, good, it's being addressed. The 'jump off of something high' comment, I mean. It would have been wrong not to address it. I kind of really liked the way they did it, too. Also, 'getting there' really is the most accurate answer to the question whether Ricky is happy. I feel like he's got a long way to go before he does get there, but he really is closer to that destination than he's been in a while. This boy deserves all the happiness. He's been through way too much. And I'm glad Miss Jenn is finally seeing her part in his struggles throughout the year.

Ahhh it's the song! I've been so excited for it all week, ever since that teaser leaked. But, once again: why does this feel like a finale? I want to curb my anxiety and watch this episode with a free mind, but the episode itself just isn't helping me. Ok, let's go back to the song for now. Whatever will be, will be.

No... EJ's verse... just no. Somebody tell that boy not to be so hung up on the words of somebody who doesn't even know who Gina is today. I've had 'the majestic S.S. Portwell' for a couple of weeks and I'm not ready for it not setting sail after it was almost out of the... port(well). Have I ever told you I make bad puns when I'm anxious?

Carlos doesn't even remember being on stage... that's too relatable to be overlooked. See, I used to perform on stage (I've decided to quit for good now and it makes me cry only slightly), and that has always been how I've felt about it. I feel like my favourites are who they are because I relate to each one of them to an extent — some are who I think I am, some are who I used to be, and some are who I wish I could become... and so much more on top. I'm being so emotional. I'm not ready to let these kids go. Please someone tell me I won't have to, at least not quite yet.

The Wildcats' reaction to... Capital-B-witch and Fake-French-Git-who-is-apparently-French-for-real (as I've taken to calling those two because calling them by their real names would mean showing them respect which they don't deserve) was exactly the same as mine. No one invited them there. They're not supposed to be there. Someone kick them out.

'Big Red... you were... also there!' Um, excuse you, he was not just 'there'! I mean, I know we didn't get to see him on stage (we've been robbed!!!), but I'm sure he was the most amazing LeFou to ever grace a theatre stage. That being said, we have been robbed! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I want to see what Big Red's reaction will be. I've been fantasising about this moment for weeks now.

Ok... so I said a couple of weeks ago, in my post on 2x10, that Ricky has been given a chance to prove what kind of friend he is right then and there... and, well, this wasn't exactly how I envisioned it, but it was nice. I think that's the word for it. Nice. Ricky is just too nice to do what I kept seeing in my fantasy. And Big Red is doubly too nice to do it. But I... I surprise myself sometimes with how aggressive I can get in defence of other people. Maybe it's better this way than my way.

Did that capital-B-witch just say what I thought I heard her say? Because there's no way she just said that. Also, 'sometimes people deserve a second chance'... well, yeah. And sometimes they don't, you... well, I don't use words like that, but you guys can put two and two together, right?

'I'd trade it all for this group right here tonight'... me too, Eej, me too. I'm not even going to pretend I'm not crying because, guess what, I'm bloody bawling my eyes out! I kind of stopped for a moment when you-know-who and her second-in-command came in, but now I'm crying again. I am so not ready to let these kids go.

So... they're dropping out? Just like that? Well, that was anticlimactic! But hey, I absolutely get it. That's the Wildcat spirit, after all, isn't it? They did win already. They won something that some of North High's students can never understand. And that's more important than just about anything. [side note: I've got to say I appreciate the fact that my boy Reddy is now able to joke about his opening night predicament. See, that's another thing I relate to. I go through the craziest stuff, and then I laugh and tell stories to anyone who will listen. And I think that's the best approach to that kind of stuff. I just wish I could be less dramatic about the little things, too. It seems to me it's easier to laugh about the big, serious stuff once it's over, but not about some things that most people would deem unworthy of their attention. But hey, I'm working on that. Also, this post is not supposed to be about me. Moving on.]

Bless Ashlyn and the fact that she's good at communication. Even if she's a little late. She's not too late yet. Portwell might still be saved.

No, Ricky, you so did not just call you-know-who! I will not stand for any of that. Unless it's to shut her off once and for all, in which case I say go for it and go full steam. But why do I get the feeling it's not going to be like that? Ok, never mind, let's set that one aside and focus on Portwell for a second.

Ok, that was... that was going to be so beautiful, and then they cut it off. Is Portwell about to be Redlyn 2.0? Oh well, if it really is, that isn't going to be so bad after all. But now all I can think about is... when are we getting the renewal? How am I supposed to sleep at night until we know for sure?

Not them making me cry with a BTS montage... as if I wasn't crying hard enough already. I'm not alone in the house, you guys! In fact, we're having a bunch of guests from overseas in... wait, I think they're at the door. I'm not ready for people! Not now. Pray for me, you guys! (In all seriousness, though, don’t pray for me. Pray for a season 3 announcement to come soon)

[naturallytom]

Great Perhaps (Peter Parker x reader)

a/n: this is by far the longest oneshot ive ever written (10,292 words babey!!) but i really love how this turned out!! i hope u enjoy!! just a few notes; 1) this is based off looking for alaska so it’ll loosely follow the premise of it but it’s not exactly the same, 2) i don’t have a taglist so any & all posts will be tagged ‘oneshot: great perhaps’!! 3) endgame never happened in this lmao

warnings: language, making out, underage drinking, mentions/descriptions of bad mental health, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions/descriptions of death, grief, sadness™

please reblog/leave feedback!! 

moodboard/teaser

102 days before (8/24/19) Peter groaned, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Stacking up the last of the boxes, he sighed, grabbing the water bottle from his now empty dresser and gulping it all down. Leaving his room, he entered the kitchen where May was, making dinner for Peter’s last night home. “Hey May. Is dinner ready?” Peter asked, sweat drenching his clothes. “Not yet, go take a shower!” May grinned, knowing that’s exactly what Peter was going to ask. “Awesome, thanks May.” Peter replied, heading off to the bathroom. He tried not to think about not seeing Ned or MJ for a while, at least until Thanksgiving. MJ was going to NYU and Ned was taking a gap year to travel, but planned his travels so he’d be home for Thanksgiving to see his best friend. He felt the lukewarm water making contact with his skin, Peter sighing in relief. With the late August heat, warm showers felt like hell, but cold showers were still uncomfortable so Peter was stuck trying to compromise. It had been nearly a year since Peter got out of the soul stone. The months had been long, filled with therapy and nightmares, but he had made incredible progress and was ready to leave New York to go to a new state and get a fresh start at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He hopped out of the shower, throwing on some sweats and an old shirt, before joining May in the kitchen. “Perfect timing, dinner’s ready!” May smiled, Peter sitting down as May served him spaghetti and meatballs with a side of salad. “I bet you’re hungry, been packing all day!” May commented, a sad smile gracing her lips. 

She was so proud of Peter, but she would miss him tremendously when he was at school. When Tony Stark knocked on her door to tell her Peter was gone, her world had ended. When he knocked on her door again, this time with a weak Peter, she hugged him so tightly Peter thought he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t mind it, though, he had felt so empty in the soul stone it was nice to feel contact with someone else again. Peter didn’t even have to apply to MIT, Tony knew what an extraordinary kid Peter was and when Peter said he wanted to go to Massachusetts for college, he used his connections to hook him up with a full ride when him and May were sure the nightmares had stopped, or at least weren’t happening as frequently. “Yeah. I mean you were too, but you got a break.” Peter teased, May feigning offense. “To make you dinner!” Peter chuckled, taking another bite of his favorite meal. After dinner, Peter helped May clean up. “You’re not gonna go back to your room just yet, right? Gonna stay out here for a bit?” May asked quietly, thinking of all the times in the days and weeks after Peter’s return that he shut May out, often returning to his room immediately after dinner without saying a word. As the months and therapy went on, Peter began opening up more and spending more time with May again. “Yeah.” He nodded, seeing her smile and pull out a DVD. “Anchorman.” She smiled. “Figured we could both use some comedy.” Peter grinned, seeing her pull out ice cream as well. “I got some ice cream, figured we could have a little movie night before you go.” She offered, Peter getting the ice cream scooper out. “Just like old days, yeah?” “Just like old days.” - The next morning, Peter woke up with a pit in his stomach. He was so ready to get a fresh start, but he was leaving his home. He was leaving May, Ned, MJ. “Honey? Ned is here!” May called, knocking on Peter’s door, before opening it and letting Ned in, who couldn’t get more than two feet with the boxes everywhere. “Hey man.” Peter greeted, getting out of bed. “Hey Peter, I know you’re leaving soon, but I wanted to stop by and say goodbye. Again.” He said, his voice cracking. “Aw man, it’s okay. I’ll be back before you know it!” Peter comforted his best friend, giving him a hug. “Yeah, but, I’ll miss you.” Ned whispered. “I’ll miss you too. Facetime me?” Peter asked, his voice low. “Yeah. Yeah of course. Good luck, man. Go save the world.” Ned smiled sadly, giving Peter one last hug before Peter walked him out. “Well, Peter. Today’s the day.” May sighed. “How do you feel?” “Nervous. ‘M scared to leave you. But I’m excited.” He answered honestly, chuckling when May pulled him into a tight hug. “I love you, you know that right? A-And you can always call me. Or Tony. He may get to you faster but both of us are here for you.” She rambled, the tears she had built up finally spilling over. “It’s okay, May, I know. I’ll call you a lot, I promise.” Peter comforted. May pulled away, cupping her nephew’s cheeks and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Let’s go pack the car, okay? We have a long drive.” - After a three hour and twenty eight minute drive, May was finally pulling up to MIT. “Why don’t you go to your residence hall and check in? I’ll wait here and see if we can park here or if I have to move.” May suggested, Peter nodding in response. He hesitated before he opened the car door and heading over to his residence hall. “Hey! Welcome to MIT, what’s your name?” The student asked. “P-Peter. Peter Parker.” He answered. “You’re on the second floor. 218.” The student smiled, handing Peter his ID. “Thanks.” Peter mumbled, before going out to find May, when someone approached him. “Hey, you Peter Parker?” He asked. Peter nodded in confusion. “I’m Thomas, your roommate. I just heard you check in.” Thomas introduced, extending his hand, Peter shaking it. “Hey- have you heard about a girl? Supposedly her name’s y/n, she knows one of my friends, Oliver. I’m sure she’s nice but apparently she’s super well known.” Tom told Peter, who shook his head. “No I haven’t. Hey, Thomas-” “Call me Tom!” Tom interrupted. “Alright, Tom! I’m gonna go find my aunt, I’ll see you back here.” Peter told him, earning a nod from his roommate. Peter made his way back to May, who had already began unpacking. “Peter! You all checked in?” May asked, wiping some sweat from her forehead. “Yeah. Met my roommate too. Said something about a girl named y/n who knows his friend Oliver.” Peter relayed the information Tom told him to his aunt while helping her unpack the boxes. “Hopefully they’re nice, honey.” “Yeah, I can’t wait to meet them.” - Hours later and Peter was moved in with Tom and all of them were drenched in sweat. Tom and his parents had gone to see what the rest of the evening entailed, while May and Peter hung out in the dorm. “Alright well, you’re moved in. Anything else you need?” May asked. “Maybe we should see where the counseling center is. You know, just incase.” Peter said, May nodding. “Of course, honey. Then let’s get some food.” She said, putting her hands on her nephew’s shoulders. The pair had found the counseling center, before going to get food. They ate with minimal conversation, neither of them wanting to say the one word they had to, though May would be staying in a nearby hotel because of the long drive. Eventually, the time had come and the two had to part. “Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything? You know I’m right up the street for tonight and my phone is always on incase you need me and you have Tony’s number- Oh! Let me give you Ned’s mom’s number in case you ever want to talk to her instead and-” “May, May, I promise I’ll call. I’ll be okay, yeah?” Peter promised, placing his hands on her shoulders. She pulled him into a hug, Peter tucking his head into May’s neck, a habit he had picked up since he returned. “See you tomorrow, goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you so much.” May whispered against his forehead before placing a kiss there. “I love you too, have a good night.” Peter responded. - Opening his dorm, he was met with his roommate on his laptop. “Hey Peter.” Tom greeted. “Hey Tom.” Peter responded, getting a bag ready to go take a shower. “Listen, when you get back, I think we should get to know each other.” Tom told him. Peter groaned internally. He didn’t feel like recalling his time in the soul stone tonight. He never did, but especially not tonight. He wanted to sleep peacefully, without nightmares brought on by those memories. “Yeah, uh, sounds good.” Peter responded, before heading to the showers. When he returned, Tom was still there, still clicking away on his computer. “So where ya from?” Tom asked him. “Queens. You?” ‘I’m from Providence. It’s in Rhode Island. What are you majoring in?” He replied. Peter put his things away, hopping onto his bed. He hoped Tom didn’t bring up the Avengers or what happened after he returned at all that night. “Brain and cognitive science with a minor in biology. How about you?” Peter responded, opening his phone to see a text from May, saying that she missed him already. Peter’s friends and family were surprised when he said he wanted to major in brain and cognitive science and minor in biology. They were sure he’d do chemistry or engineering of some sort. The other person who wasn’t surprised was Tony, but that was because Peter told him. After nearly a year of dealing with anxiety, numbness, and PTSD, Peter told Tony that he wanted to study what goes on in the human brain so he could figure out what what was wrong with him. Tony told him the symptoms he was continually experiencing were quite common, and to try not to think of it as there was something was something wrong with him, rather that he was in the process of healing and that it takes time. Peter wasn’t convinced, but accepted the explanation. “Nuclear science and engineering.” Tom told him, Peter muttering a “that’s cool” before turning his attention back to his phone to reply to May. “So you haven’t heard of her? Y/N?” Tom asked, breaking the silence. “No, why?” Peter replied, confused as to why Tom was so hung up on her. Maybe it was his ex, maybe it was his crush. Whatever the case, Peter didn’t see the big deal. “I guess we’ll find out a little later in the week. She’s friends with my friend and he said she’s cool but kinda shady.” Tom said, still typing away on his computer while Peter, though it was early, went to sleep, hoping he had a peaceful sleep. - Peter woke up at 6 am the next morning. He didn’t have any nightmares, but he didn’t sleep great. Maybe it was the feeling of anxiety he felt the entire night, maybe it was because it wasn’t his own bed from home. He grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt, heading to the bathroom to change and wash his face. Glancing in the mirror, Peter sighed. He had no sense of identity anymore, before he could say he was Spiderman, a hero, a kid genius. Now he felt as if his experience in the soul stone was his identity and it was filled with an empty hole. He splashed some water on his hair, trying to get his curls looking at least decent before leaving the bathroom. - “Okay honey. Time for me to go.” May said, holding Peter at arms length. Her voice cracked when she spoke, making tears fill up in Peter’s eyes as he nodded. “I love you. Please call. And no drugs or alcohol, please. If you’re gonna drink do it responsibly. I don’t want to get a phone call saying you’re in the hospital for drug or alcohol related accidents.” She cried, pulling her nephew in for a tight hug. Peter nodded into her shoulder. “I love you too.” He muttered, wiping his eyes. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?” May said, assuring both of them. “Yeah. Have a safe trip home.” He told her, making her nod. “I’ll text you when I get home, alright?” She smiled sadly. Peter once again nodded wordlessly, giving her one last hug before he watched her get into the car and drive off. “Hey! Peter!” He heard. Wiping his eyes, he turned around to see Tom standing there with another guy and a girl. “Hey man this is my friend Oliver and the girl I told you about. This is y/n.” **Peter had never seen a girl so beautiful. She was radiant and her beauty was so effortless. Everything seemed to move in slow motion when she moved, her hair blowing gently in the late summer breeze behind her. “Hey. I’m y/n.” She introduced, holding out her hand. Peter was frozen, captivated by her before he finally placed his hand in hers, shaking it gently. “P-Peter. I’m Peter.” He stammered. She smiled and Peter swore the sun got a little brighter. “C’mon. I’ll introduce you to some friends.” She offered, Peter smiling and following her. They made their way to an empty classroom, where there was a group of people all sat in empty desks. “Geez y/n we thought you wouldn’t show up.” One of them said, Y/N rolling her eyes. “Oh be quiet you know how I am.” She replied, a smile on her face. “She’s right.” A softer voice giggled. “Peter these are my friends. Simon, Charlotte and Paige. You already know Thomas and Oliver. Everyone, this is Peter. He’s Tom’s roommate.” y/n introduced. Everyone nodded and smiled, Peter returning the gestures as they sat down. “Simon and Paige are dating and Charlotte and Oliver are dating. I’m sure Tom would’ve told you by now if he was taken.” She grinned, Tom rolling his eyes. “Hey I’m trying, okay? College is supposed to be full of cute girls.” Tom pouted. “We haven’t even started classes! We only just moved in today!” Paige pointed out. “How could you possibly be trying?” “Hey y/n why don’t you tell us your relationship status since you’re roasting Tom about his!” Oliver interrupted, his arm around Charlotte, who giggled. y/n raised her hands in surrender, a soft smile on her lips. “It’s complicated.” She answered, winking at Peter, who blushed. - Peter spent most of the day with his new group of friends, getting to know each of them and each of them getting to know Peter. They knew he was Spiderman and that he returned from the soul stone, but respected him when he said he didn’t want to talk about his return or experience in the soul stone and didn’t bring it up. The group decided to get dinner before going their separate ways to prepare for the first day of classes the next day. “So you like her? y/n?” Tom asked as him and Peter entered their room. “Hm? Yeah. Yeah she’s nice.” He replied, reaching into his pocket to get his phone to text May. To his surprise, when he opened the message app, y/n had texted him, asking him if he wanted to get lunch the next day. Peter was confused. This was sent to only him, not the group chat they had made. “I’m going to take a shower!” Tom told Peter. Peter nodded, telling him he was gonna go take a walk around campus and familiarize himself with the layout. - The summer night air felt nice against Peter’s skin. It wasn’t too hot, like it was earlier. But it wasn’t too cold, like Peter knew it would get as summer transitioned into fall. Looking up to the sky, Peter smiled when he wasn’t able to see a few constellations and stars against the navy blue with a hint of pink and yellow sky. “Peter?” A voice called. “That you?” Peter turned around, seeing y/n. “Hey.” He smiled. “Mind if I join you?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Not at all.” This time it was her turn to smile, her eyes sparkling under the minimal light from the building they were in front of and the moonlight. “So how do you know so many people already?” “Orientation.” She responded as the pair walked. “We all met at orientation and clicked right away.” “That’s really nice.” Peter replied honestly, y/n nodding in agreement. “So what else is there to know about you, Peter?” y/n asked. “I dunno. Not much really.” Peter shrugged. “Are you single or taken?” Peter felt his face heat up at the question. “Single. Why?” He answered, making her shrug. “‘M curious.” She told him, glancing at him. “Ever kissed anyone?” Peter shook his head. “Hm. I thought you would’ve by now, you’re cute.” She said, grinning when he blushed. “You know, it’s okay to struggle sometimes.” Peter’s eyes widened. “How did you-” “I saw you going to the counseling center with your mom.” She cut him off, making him nod. “I may go sometimes. I wanted to check it out. You were just there at the same time.” “My aunt.” She looked at him questioningly. “I was with my aunt. Both of my parents died when I was younger.” He told her, answering the question she didn’t ask but Peter knew she would ask. “My dad died when I was young. ‘S just me and my mom.” She said. “I’m sorry. It sucks.” Peter spoke, making her nod enthusiastically in agreement. “The stars look so pretty at night.” She hummed, looking at the night sky decorated with the stars. “You like space, Peter?” “Not really.” He winced. “The stars do look nice, though.” “They do.” She sighed. “I love astronomy. I think it’s so interesting and space is so beautiful.” “I’m more of a chem person.” Peter answered simply, earning a ‘valid’ in response. “Well. I better get going. Classes tomorrow.” She grunted, pulling herself off the grass, Peter following her movements. “Well, it was nice talking to you.” Peter said. “Yup. I wanna do it again sometime.” She told him, grinning when he blushed again. “Do you mind if I kiss you?” She asked, taking Peter by surprise. “What? Is-isn’t your relationship status complica-” Peter was cut off by her lips on his cheek in a kiss that was over almost as quickly as it started. “I’m a complicated girl.” She winked. “See you tomorrow!” She called as she walked back to her dorm. As Peter walked back to his, his mind was reeling with what happened. He wondered why she wanted to kiss him, even if it was only on the cheek and why her relationship status was complicated. He wondered why she said she was complicated. Peter wanted those answers but coming from his own experience, he hated when people asked about personal things he didn’t want to talk about. His mind wandered to the interest he picked up after he returned: quotes. More specifically, last words. He loved regular quotes, ones that inspired him each and every day but since he became dwelling on his own last words, his focus shifted to last words. He became replaying his last words ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over again in the soul stone, wondering if anyone besides Tony knew his last words and if they made an impact on anyone. His favorite that he found was by Richard Feynman. He said “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” Peter hoped he wouldn’t die again for a long time or lose someone close to him. For Peter, death was more than boring. Death was emptiness; it was a void that was never filled no matter how much Peter yelled, screamed or cried in the soul stone. He hoped nobody would ever feel that way. It never occurred to him that someone might be feeling that way while they were alive. 71 Days before (9/24/19) It was nearly a month into the semester and Peter was slowly but surely adjusting to college life. It had taken him a little while to get used to waking up in a place that wasn’t his apartment in New York and in the beginning, Peter found himself waking up in a panic some days because the thought of ‘what if I’m back in the soul stone?’ made its way up to the front of his head and manifested itself in his thoughts. Since it was nearly a month into the semester, midterms were coming up. Students all over campus were panicking about midterm grades and exams, as well as the occasional midterm project. Peter and his group of friends had been spending lots of time in the library, prepping for exams. Peter was most worried for his cellular and molecular neurobiology midterm. He understood the information, it was just a lot of information. Plus, he had three other exams to worry about. Despite the stress that came with midterms, Peter had enjoyed getting to know his new group of friends, particularly y/n. He still thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and she intrigued him. She was closed off and reserved, yet was so open about other things. She barely had to study but got all As on her assignments. She was spontaneous, yet planned out things like getting lunch or dinner. She was an Anthropology and Humanities double major, a combination that would stress most people out to no end, but not her. Peter got lunch with her often, if he wasn’t eating with her, he was eating with Tom or the whole group was eating together. They laughed and joked around and most of the time on the weekends, they preferred to go to someone’s room, make a ton of popcorn and watch a movie rather than go to a party, though they did go to the occasional party and make fun of who was the funniest while drunk. While the weather was still nice, Peter found himself studying outside in the quad, looking over his google doc of notes and diagrams while listening to spotify-made playlist. He usually made his own, but since coming back, he found he barely had the energy or creative motivation to make new playlists. “Let me guess. Studying for cellular and molecular neurobiology.” A familiar voice interrupted the instrumental music playing softly in his headphones. Taking them off, he was greeted with y/n sitting across from him, smiling softly. He paused his music, putting his headphones away before turning to her. “How’d you know?” He chuckled. “‘S what you’re always studying for. Do you even study for your other exams?” She teased, making Peter roll his eyes, though he couldn’t ignore the way his heartbeat sped up. “Have you studied for any of your exams?” He retaliated, making her feign offense. “I have, actually! I studied a solid hour for my intro to anthropology exam!” She replied. “Wow I’m shocked.” Peter laughed. “Are you here to study or did you just want to come tell me that you studied for one exam?” “Wow, Parker. Wanna get rid of me that badly?” “F course not. If I wanted you gone so badly, I would’ve asked you leave ages ago.” He chuckled, earning another eye roll. “Listen, midterms are over on Friday for both of us.” She started, Peter nodding. “Wanna do something fun Friday night?” “Like what?” Peter asked, curious as to what she had in mind. “Dunno.” She shrugged. “Like a party or something.” “Yeah sure. Um, is everyone else going?” Peter felt his heartbeat pick up again as y/n shook her head. “Nah. Pretty sure some of them got midterms on Monday. Besides, I think we should be able to have a night to ourselves. Don’t ya think?” She asked him, eyes wide and sparkling under the fall sunlight. “Yeah. Yeah for sure.” He answered nervously. “Cool! I’ll text you on Friday to tell you the details!” She spoke enthusiastically, getting up from the table, giving Peter a wave before heading off in the direction of their res hall. - Friday was here before Peter knew it and while the thought of his exam was all he could think about at first, after he finished his exam, he felt himself getting nervous about going out with y/n. Was it a date? Did she like him? Did he like her? His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating, signaling he got a text. Checking his phone, he saw it was from y/n, telling him to swing by her dorm around 8 to head over to the party she had decided on. He replied, telling her that sounded like a good plan, before checking the time. 5:30 pm. He sighed before texting Tom to see if he wanted to get dinner. Tom replied quickly, telling Peter that sounds good and to meet him in the dining hall. Peter made his way to the dining hall, seeing Tom walking up to the entrance. “Tom!” Peter called, waving at his roommate from a few feet away. Tom paused and waited for Peter, greeting him with a pat on the shoulder. The pair headed inside, asking each other about their days and if they had any exams and if they did, how they went. The conversation was mundane until they finally sat down with their food. “So do you have any plans for tonight?” Tom asked. “Uh, yeah. y/n and I are gonna go to a party.” Peter responded, seeing Tom tense up. “Just you and her?” Tom asked, Peter nodding. “She said it’s to celebrate finals being over for us.” He replied, Tom sighing. “Is there something going on between the two of you?” Tom looked at Peter, hoping he’d tell the truth. “I dunno. Don’t think so.” Peter muttered. “Do you want there to be something between the two of you?” Peter only shrugged at this question, the two of them eating in near silence before they headed back to their room. Peter got ready fairly quickly, letting Tom know when he was planning on leaving to go get y/n. “Be careful, man.” Tom cautioned. “Yeah I will, don’t worry.” Peter responded casually. “No I mean with y/n. You don’t know her.” Tom warned, Peter mumbling a response before leaving. Peter knocked on y/n’s door, smiling when she swung open the door. “Ready to go?” She asked, Peter nodding. “Where are we going?” Peter asked, curious as to what party she had found. “Just a frat party on campus should be fun.” She replied, leading the way to the party. They arrived in a few minutes, y/n greeting the boy at the door, briefly introducing Peter before dragging him to the kitchen where the drinks were, grabbing shots glasses, pouring alcohol into one and handing it to Peter. “What is this?” Peter asked as y/n finished her first shot. “Vodka. Drink.” She instructed, taking another shot. Peter did as she told, nearly vomiting at the feeling of the alcohol running down his throat. She poured him another, and another, and another until they were both drunk enough to let loose, but not enough to blackout. Don’t Tell ‘Em played hazily in the background, Peter and y/n dancing as well as they could with the alcohol in their system. When My First Kiss came on, y/n turned around to face Peter, throwing her arms around his neck. “You’ve never been kissed before, right?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Perfect.” Next thing he knew, her lips were on his in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks while his made their way to her waist. Peter knew in the back of his mind that they would have too talk about this at some point, but between her lips on his and the alcohol in his veins, he couldn’t find it in himself to care and pushed the thought away to deal with it another day. 50 days before (10/15/19) It had just about been a month since Peter and y/n went to the frat party and they hadn’t talked about what had happened. Peter brought it up to her briefly, but y/n had brushed it off as being and it not meaning anything. Peter couldn’t lie, that hurt, but he tried to ignore it. That worked for a while, he was able to ignore the butterflies he got in his stomach when she was around and the way his heart beat faster when she walked in the room. But then they kissed again. And again. And again. Currently, she was sat on Peter’s lap, both of them fully engrossed in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks, his resting softly on her waist. “Hey,” He mumbled as she pulled away. “Can I ask you something?” “You just did.” She replied, her eyes still focused on his swollen lips. “What are we? What is this?” He asked, gesturing to the space between them. “We’re friends, Peter.” She muttered. “Friends don’t kiss. At least not the way we do.” He replied. “Fuck, Peter. We’re just fucking friends.” y/n groaned, climbing off his lap. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. If you wanna be just friends, we can be just friends.” Peter soothed, as much as it hurt him. “Good. We’re just friends.” She grumbled, turning away from the door. Peter sat down on his bed, allowing her to climb right back onto his lap, Peter brushing some of her hair out of her face. “You’re really pretty.” He sighed, earning an eye roll from her. “Shut up and kiss me.” She mumbled, pressing her lips to his. Their kiss was interrupted when Tom walked in, immediately groaning and covering his eyes. “Jesus can you two get a room?” He grumbled, putting his stuff. “Technically, we did.” y/n giggled, making Peter smile and Tom roll his eyes before y/n turned back to Peter. “I better get going.” She climbed off his lap once again, this time Peter following her, watching as she put her shoes on, before giving Peter one last kiss and leaving. “Sure there’s nothing going on between you two?” Tom asked, sitting down at his desk and taking out his computer. “Nope. She says we’re just friends.” Peter insisted, taking out some homework to work on. “Well what do you say?” Peter shifted uncomfortably under his roommate’s gaze. “I say…whatever she wants to be, that’s what we’ll be.” Peter responded. “I’m telling you, man. You gotta be careful. She’s playing you.” Tom warned. “I’ve talked to Paige and Simon and they said that y/n told them she’s been hooking up with some frat boy on campus.” Peter felt his heart clench at the revelation, but didn’t say anything, rather, put some music on and focused on his homework, even though it was Saturday and he’d much rather be reading a book or playing video games. The next day, Peter went to y/n’s room, where rather than make out, y/n just wanted to talk. “What d’you want to talk about?” Peter asked nervously, y/n shrugging as she let him into her room. “Anything and everything.” She replied, laying down on her bed, motioning for Peter to join her. “What’s something no one knows about you?” Peter thought for a minute before responding. “I, uh, kind of got interested in last words and quotes about death after I came back.” “Why?” y/n asked, looking up at Peter. “I don’t know. I guess I had just had so much time to reflect on mine before I came back, I just wanted to know what other people had to say.” “That’s fair.” She replied. “What was it like?” “What was what like?” Peter answered nervously, knowing she meant being in the soul stone, but wanting to hear her say it. “Being in the soul stone.” She told him, making the knot in Peter’s stomach grow tighter. “Um,” He sighed. “It was really dark. And empty. And cold. No matter how much I yelled or screamed, no one heard me.” “Do you think that’s what it’s like when we die?” She asked, looking up at her ceiling. “Yeah. I think that’s exactly what it’s like when we die.” Peter told her honestly. “Wow.” She sighed. “Yeah. Wow.” Peter felt her move to lay down on his chest. “Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?” “Nope. I was planning on staying here. That’s far away, though.” She replied. “Really? Not going home?” He asked, surprised. “Nah. Going home is hell for me. I’d be going home to a loveless house.” “You could come to my apartment.” Peter offered, making her look up at him yet again, this time her eyes full of surprise and hope. “Really?” “Yeah I could ask my aunt. ‘M sure she wouldn’t mind, though. Especially given your circumstances.” He assured her. “Wow, uh, yeah, sure Peter! I’d love that.” y/n grinned, cuddling back into his chest. The two of them laid in silence for a little bit before Peter decided to confront y/n with what Tom had told him the day before. “Hey y/n?” He asked. When he got no reply, he looked down to find the girl fast asleep on his chest. He smiled, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, deciding that asking her about who she was hooking up with could wait for another day. - It wasn’t until Wednesday of the next week that Peter could ask y/n about what Tom had told him. “Hey y/n? Can I talk to you about something?” He asked, sitting next to her on a picnic table outside in between classes. “Sure. What’s up?” She replied, looking up from her anthropology book. “Uh, someone told me that you were hooking up with a frat boy on campus. Is, um, that true?” He scratched the back of his neck, something he did when he was nervous. “Yup.” She replied. “So what am I?” Peter couldn’t help himself asking. “What are you? Peter you’re my friend. We’ve been over this.” She groaned. “y/n you’re just using me.” Peter snapped. “Yeah, and? I don’t date, Peter. You should know this by now.” y/n replied, both of them getting frustrated. “Okay so you don’t date. But you’re leading me on and hooking up with other guys in your free time!” “Not my fault you fell for me, Peter. And if you seriously can’t deal with me simply making out with you and nothing else, maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore.” She spoke harshly. “I’m not gonna keep hurting myself to please you.” Peter mumbled softly after a moment of silence.

“Okay. Bye, then.” She waved him off, turning back to whatever she was doing, while Peter walked away, unsure of how this would affect everyone else in their friend group. 

20 days before (11/14/19) Barely a month had passed since the fight between Peter and y/n. Tom, Paige, and Simon supported Peter and his argument while Charlotte and Oliver favored y/n’s side. The group all hung out together, but there was an unspoken tension in the air that was splitting them apart. Thanksgiving was coming up, but with Thanksgiving, came finals soon after. All the students kept this in the back of their minds, but still looked forward to their few days off. Peter had texted May briefly, but hadn’t called her in a while or told her what really happened between him and y/n. He was in the middle of doing homework when he felt his phone vibrating, prompting him to pick up and check, seeing an incoming call from May. “Hello?” He answered. “Hey honey! How are you?” May asked cheerily. “‘M okay, just doing homework.” Peter responded. “Yeah? How are your classes going?” May’s voice softened when she heard her nephew’s soft voice. “Good. They’re good.” He told her, almost sensing the frown on the other side of the phone. “And you, Peter? How are you doing?” May asked again. “‘M doing okay.” He told her, hearing her sigh. “Peter, sweetheart, you can be honest with me.” May told him. “Are you going to the counseling center?” “No, I don’t need to. ‘M not having nightmares.” Peter replied honestly. “Well that’s great honey, but you don’t sound like you’re doing alright mentally.” May pointed out, Peter sighing. “It’s a long story, May.” He nearly whispered. “I got into a fight with one of my friends.” “Aw sweetie I’m sorry. You wanna talk about it?” She asked sympathetically. Peter shook his head, forgetting that May couldn’t see him. “No, ‘s okay. I’ll tell you about it over Thanksgiving.” He responded, “Okay honey. I can’t wait to see you again.” She smiled. “Can’t wait to see you too, May. ‘M excited to come home.” He breathed. As much as he loved college, he was getting homesick. “Good. I’m glad. I miss you, Peter.” May told him. “Miss you too, May.” Peter sighed. “I’ll let you get back to your homework now. Love you, Peter.” May smiled. “Love you too, May. See you soon.” Peter said, hanging up and putting his phone down. He did a couple more problems before he was interrupted by Tom coming into the room. “Hey man.” Tom greeted, taking out one of his earphones. “How were your classes today?” “I mean they were good but I’m so tired. I could fall asleep right now.” Peter chuckled. “Oh same. I just wanna sleep.” Tom replied. “Early night tonight?” “If I can finish these problems.” Peter laughed. “Did you wanna get dinner tonight?” Tom nodded. “Wanna go soon?” Peter felt his stomach growl. “Yeah. For sure.” “Cool. I think I’m gonna take a quick shower and then we can go?” Tom suggested. “Sounds good.” Peter told his roommate, who gathered his stuff before heading to the bathroom. Peter watched as Tom walked out before turning his attention back to his homework, trying to concentrate. His mind however, filled with thoughts of y/n. Even though they had fought and even though she hurt him, he still couldn’t stop thinking of her. To Peter, y/n was the prettiest girl he had ever met. The thoughts of her were still enough to give him butterflies and make his heart beat a little faster. He wished they hadn’t fought. He wished he could still be with her but as her boyfriend. His thoughts were interrupted by Tom coming in, towel drying his hair as soon as the door closed. “Ready to go?” Tom asked Peter, who nodded. “Yeah.” He responded quietly, making Tom look at him with concern. “You okay, man?” Tom checked, Peter nodding slowly. “Yeah. ‘M fine.” He muttered. Tom didn’t think Peter was fine, but he dropped it. If there was one thing he learned about Peter since meeting him, it was that Peter would open up if and when he was ready, but not to pry.

7 days before (11/28/2019) “I think you should talk to her.” May told her nephew at Thanksgiving dinner. Just like previous years, it was just the two of them enjoying a meal they made together. “What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?” Peter asked quietly, taking a bite of turkey. “Sweetheart it’s thanksgiving. Didn’t you say she wasn’t going home for the holiday? She’s probably all by herself at school. Give her a call.” May responded. Peter sighed, knowing she was right. He smiled softly, letting his aunt know he would call y/n when dinner was over. The two finished their meal with Peter telling May all about school and how classes were going and which finals he was most worried about. When they were done, May excused Peter to give y/n a call rather than help her with dishes like she usually insisted he do. “Are you sure?” He asked, May smiling and nodding in response. “It’s getting late, go call her before it gets too late.” May instructed. Peter thanked her and told her he’d be back to help her after he got off the phone. As he made his way to his room, Peter felt the pit in his stomach grow. What would he say? What would she say? He took a seat on his bed, took a deep breath, and pulled out his phone, glancing through the text messages from Mj and Ned who were both asking when they’d see him again. He made a mental note to reply to them afterwards. Dialing her number, he shakily brought the phone to his ear while it rang. The more the phone rang, the more nervous Peter got. The phone rang and rang and rang and eventually Peter thought she wouldn’t pick up until- “Hello?” “y/n?” Peter asked, shocked she picked up. “Peter.” She responded simply. “Um, Happy Thanksgiving.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “Happy Thanksgiving. You at home?” She asked, Peter nodding even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I am. Where are you?” He asked, this time she shrugged on the other side of the phone, even though he couldn’t see her. “At school.” She told him. A silence took over the pair before Peter broke it. “Hey y/n?” His voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Yeah Peter?” “‘M sorry about the fight.” He mumbled. “Me too, Peter. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She said softly. “‘S okay. I miss you.” Peter smiled sadly. “Miss you too. You coming back on Sunday?” She asked. “Yeah. Looking forward to finals.” Peter chuckled. “Shut up. Don’t remind me.” She laughed. “Wanna hang out when you get back?” “Of course.” Peter answered. “Awesome. See ya then.” She grinned. “See you then. Nice talking to you, y/n. Hope you had a nice holiday.” “You too, Peter.” And with that, they hung up, both of them relieved. Peter texted Mj and Ned back before heading back to the kitchen where May was setting up dessert. “Hey honey! How was it?” May smiled. “Good. Really good. We’re okay.” Peter answered, smiling. “Good. I’m glad.” May grinned. “Me too, May.” 1 day before (12/3/2019) y/n was in Peter and Tom’s room. The three of them were hanging out and y/n had a little too much to drink. Both boys knew she kept alcohol in her room and knew she must’ve been drinking before she sloppily knocked on their door. 

It was entertaining, though. She was rambling and telling funny stories, Peter thought she was adorable. “I can’t believe finals are soon.” She gasped suddenly, sitting up on Peter’s bed. “Came up fast, didn’t they?” Peter chuckled. “So fast. Like…like a race car on a racetrack.” She mumbled, eyes wide. “Oh my god..I’m in college!” “Pretty sure you have been for the past three months.” Tom chuckled. “Well yeah but I didn’t ever think I’d make it to college.” She responded. “Thought I’d be dead by now. Surprised I held on for so long.” Peter and Tom went silent. They knew exactly what she meant, though it was a shock to them. She was so happy and energetic, seemed like the happiest girl in the world. Neither of them suspected she was anything but happy most of the time. “Wanted to die for so fucking long.” She mumbled softly. “‘M doing better, though. I feel better.” “That’s good, y/n. Really good.” Peter told her honestly. “Won’t feel good in a few hours though.” She muttered, taking a sip of vodka from a half empty mini bottle. “Will feel sick.” “Uhh where’d you get that?” Tom asked, confusion taking over both him and Peter’s faces. “This?” She responded, holding up the mini bottle of alcohol. “Brought it over here. Want some?” Tom shook his head. “Peter?” She offered. Peter shook his head. “Well,” She shrugged. “More for me.” She continued drinking until the bottle was empty. “Peter.” She spoke, sloppily moving over to Peter, who was sitting on the floor. “Yeah y/n?” He replied. “I like you. A lot.” She giggled, resting her head on his chest. “I like you too.” He smiled. “No! No like…I like you. In a more than a friend way.” She giggled again. Peter froze, not knowing what to say or how to react. “Oh shit.” Tom mumbled. “I really do.” “y/n you’re drunk..” Peter’s voice trailed off. “Drunk words are sober thoughts, Peter.” She said softly, laying on his chest a little longer before sitting up. “I’m gonna go back to my room.” “Are you in the right condition to walk back on your own?” Peter asked. “It’s only a few doors down, Peter. I’ll be fine.” She laughed. “You sure?” Tom asked, earning a nod from y/n, who got up, stumbling slightly. “Peter, we will continue this later.” She declared, giggling before leaving their room. Peter and Tom chuckled, before getting ready for bed. Peter picked up the now empty mini vodka bottle, threw it away, turned off the lights and him and Tom went to sleep without a second thought. 

After 

Peter and Tom woke up the next morning to one of their RAs knocking on the door, announcing a hall meeting. They stepped out, choosing to simply sit in front of their doors, as most of the other sleepy students had chosen to do. “Okay guys,” one of the RAs said, their voice shaky. “Looks like everyone’s here so we’re gonna get started.” Peter glanced to his left, across from him, and to his right, but there was someone missing. y/n. “Wait!” Peter blurted out before he knew what he was doing. “y/n’s not here. should we wait for her?” The RAs glanced at each other, debating what to tell Peter. “Please?” Peter whimpered out. “Can we please just wait for her?” “We don’t usually announce things like this, especially not in this manner but since she lived on this floor, we thought this might be more appropriate. Last night y/n y/l/n was killed. She was walking around Cambridge when she was hit by a car. The driver wasn’t paying attention to the road and ran a red light. They hit her going full speed.” One of the RAs finally told the students, who gasped. “If any of you need any grieving resources, we’re here, but the school will also bring on grief counselors for anyone who needs them. There will also be an email sent out later today.” Peter didn’t hear the last bit. It felt as if he got the wind knocked out of him- the hall was spinning and he felt sick to his stomach. Tom sat there in shock, his hazel eyes filling with hot tears. “They’re lying.” Peter whimpered. “They have to be lying, Tom! We saw her last night- She can’t be dead! She went back to her room!” “I don’t think they’re lying, Peter.” Tom mumbled, hot tears spilling from his eyes. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “I don’t think she went back to her room last night.” “W-What if she’s okay, though? Maybe she’s just in the hospital or maybe…she died on impact.” Peter finished softly as reality began to set in. “She’s dead.” Tom nodded, bringing his roommate in for a tight hug in the middle of the hallway while all the other students went back to their rooms to process their emotions. “Peter? Tom?” One of their RAs approached them. “Do you guys need anything?” It was clear that they weren’t okay, but how could anyone be okay after getting news that their friend died? Peter and Tom both shook their heads. “Thanks though.” Tom told the RA who smiled sadly, giving them each a pat on the back, letting them know that they were there for them if they needed anything before they all went back to their dorms. Peter felt numb. There was no other way to describe it. He physically felt the tears falling down his cheek and the sunlight coming in through the window of his dorm, but emotionally he felt numb, as if someone froze his emotions. Tom and Peter sat on the floor of their room in silence that was broken by the occasional sniffle. Both of them sat still, allowing the tears to just run down their cheeks. 

“We have classes today.” Peter spoke quietly, standing up slowly. “Should get ready.” 

“Guess so.” Tom replied, both of them starting to get ready for the day. Unlike other mornings, the boys were silent as they got ready. There was no music that played, nor was there conversation between the two of them. They just got ready, grabbed their stuff, and went off to classes or to breakfast without a word. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Peter went from class to class in a daze, his body physically doing the actions of walking from building to building to his various classrooms, taking down notes and information he’d need to know for finals next week, but his mind was somewhere else. In his mind, y/n was alive. She was alive and thriving, making jokes and rambling about the stars and her favorite constellations. And that’s where Peter wanted his mind to be. He didn’t want it to be focused in reality and he didn’t want it going back to when he was on Titan, so his mind opted to be somewhere where y/n was happy and alive. It was a sunny day. It was sunny but that didn’t make sense to Peter because even though y/n was alive in his mind, he still saw people crying and he still heard people talking about it walking around campus. It didn’t feel like a sunny day because y/n wasn’t here with them on campus. It felt like it should be cloudy and rainy even though it was December and people would much rather prefer snow. May called him later that same evening, after she knew all his classes were done. She wanted to check up on Peter- she got the email from the school about what happened. “‘M okay, May. Really.” He told her. “Are you sure Peter? I know you guys were friends-” “Yeah. Yeah I’m sure. I have finals to worry about.” He assured his aunt, who didn’t believe for a minute that he was okay. And worry about finals is exactly what Peter did. Over the following week, he buried himself in his work, only taking a break to eat or to get a few hours of sleep. 

He seemed to be doing pretty okay on the outside. He saw his friends, he was eating and sleeping, and he felt pretty good about his finals (which, as a college student, is a rare occurrence so feeling good about finals is a different level of feeling good). 

Anyone who knew Peter, knew differently. He saw his friends- Simon, Oliver, Paige, and Charlotte, occasionally and only for a short amount of time. He was isolating and distancing himself from his friends, including Tom. They had all picked up on it. And Peter knew that on the inside, he wasn’t doing well. When he took food breaks, he ate very little. Nights were the worst. He could no longer look at the stars, they were just a reminder of y/n and she wasn’t there anymore to tell Peter if another planet was visible or if you could see the big dipper and outline it for him. He could barely sleep at night, the thoughts and nightmares keeping him up. In his nightmares he was back in the soul stone. Surrounded by darkness, completely alone. But then there was y/n, crossing a street. No matter how much he yelled and screamed, Peter would only be able to watch as a car collided with her body. So he did what he could. He went into denial, not allowing his feelings to surface and distracted himself with whatever he could. He attended the memorial service for y/n with his group of friends. As soon as it was over, he went right back to studying for his finals while his friends went to hang out and spend time with each other. Finals came and went, and soon it was time for Peter to go home. May picked him up, greeting him with a big hug and asking how finals went, followed by how he was doing. Both questions were answered with a simple, one word answer; good. May didn’t believe Peter. She noticed it pretty quickly- he was just like he was when he came back from the soul stone. Withdrawn and in denial. The pair enjoyed their holiday season and for a brief period of time, it looked like Peter genuinely was doing okay. That ended pretty quickly. Peter soon went back to spending time alone, cooped up in his room, shutting May out. It was New Year’s Eve when May called Tony. She told him what was going on with Peter, how he was exactly like he was upon return from the soul stone. Tony was worried about the kid. Grief and guilt are not easy to deal with, Tony knew that better than anyone so he told May he’d be there as soon as possible. It was 2 pm on New Year’s Eve when Tony knocked on Peter’s bedroom door. May went out to get Peter’s favorite foods for later. “May, I’m fine I told you-” “It’s not May, kid.” Tony replied. There was a pause and some shuffling before Peter opened the door, shock written on his face. “Mr. Stark? How did you-” “Your aunt called me. You wanna come out here or should I go in there?” Tony asked, glancing at the mess that was Peter’s room.

Peter wordlessly stepped out of his room, him and Tony taking a seat on the couch. Peter was, in simple terms, a mess. His eyes were red and puffy, his curls were wild and untamed, it was obvious the kid wasn’t doing well at all. 

“Why’re you here? Not that I don’t want to see you but May didn’t tell me you were stopping by.” Peter spoke, his voice hoarse. 

“She’s worried about you-” Tony started. 

“I’m fine.” “Yeah your current physical state and the state of your room really reflect that.” Tony replied sarcastically. “What’s going on, kid?” Peter paused for a moment, his eyes drifting down to his lap. “It was my fault.” He finally whispered, hot tears filling his eyes. “What was your fault?” Tony asked. “y/n’s death. She’s my friend.” Peter answered. “Er, was my friend.” “May told me about what happened. How was it your fault, Peter?” “I didn’t stop her. I didn’t walk her back to her room and make sure she was settled in. I didn’t tell her that she was too drunk to walk anywhere by herself. She said she was fine and I just believed her!” Peter muttered. “I should’ve done something. Maybe she’d be alive if I did.” “Peter, listen to me.” Tony told Peter, who had tears falling down his cheeks. “This was not your fault. You didn’t know she was going to go out after that, you believed her because she didn’t give you a reason not to. You can’t blame yourself for that. Trust me, I know what you’re feeling right now.” “No offense, Mr. Stark, but I don’t think you know anything about what I’m feeling.” Peter mumbled, a silence coming over the two of them. “Remember Titan?” Tony asked quietly, Peter closing his eyes and nodding. “When Thanos snapped?” Another nod from Peter. “Do you blame me for what happened to you?” Tony asked Peter, who shook his head furiously. “No! No absolutely not Mr. Stark! You couldn’t have known I’d be one of the ones who’d get dusted.” Peter assured Tony. “I blamed myself for so long.” Tony whispered, tears now filling his eyes. “But Mr. Stark it wasn’t your fault.” Peter told him. “I should’ve made sure you got sent home, I never should’ve let you on the spaceship. I should’ve done more to stop Thanos. I should’ve done more to save you.” Tony said. “Mr. Stark-” “Eventually I got to the point where I couldn’t live with the hypotheticals and being so totally consumed with the past.” Tony explained. “I had to move forward and accept that I did all I could.” “How long did that take?” Peter asked quietly. “Time, kid. It took time for me and it’ll take time for you. It doesn’t happen over night.” Tony smiled sadly. “Were you angry? Because..I’m really really angry.” Peter said, his voice still quiet. “What are you angry about?” Peter let out a breath before answering. “I’m angry at y/n for walking around Cambridge drunk. I-I know that’s not fair but if she just stayed in her room than maybe she’d still be here. I’m angry at the driver who ran the red light and hit her. I’m angry at the universe for taking her away.” Peter spoke, his voice getting louder until he paused and took a breath, allowing some tears to fall. “God, Mr. Stark! It’s not fair! I was happy! I was doing really well! And..and then all of a sudden she was gone! Is it me? Do I not deserve to be happy?” Tony pulled Peter into a hug, his body shaking with sobs. “That’s it, kid. Let it all out.” Tony soothed. “You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Peter cried until he thought he’d run out of tears and then more would come. Eventually, Peter pulled away from the hug, wiping his eyes. “Sorry.” He mumbled, Tony shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry, kid. This is normal.” Tony assured him. “And, uh, you deserve to be happy. Sometimes these things happen and most times, the timing sucks. It doesn’t mean that you’re being punished for anything or that you don’t deserve to be happy.” “Sure feels like it.” Peter muttered. “I know it does.” Tony paused. “Have you put on your suit?” Peter knew what he was referring to. The suit Tony made for him that Peter got in Berlin. Peter shook his head. “No. Don’t feel like a hero right now.” He told Tony. “I know you don’t. You don’t have to put it on right now.” Tony assured him. “Do..do you think I could ever be able to put the suit on?” Peter asked hesitantly. He was scared for the answer. “I do.” Tony answered confidently. “It may take some time, and that’s okay.” “How much time does this…process take?” Peter asked, earning a shrug from Tony. “It depends, kid. It comes in waves.” Tony answered honestly. Peter nodded. “Guess I should clean up my room.” He said, a small smile tugging on his lips. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Take a shower first. You need to take care of yourself first.” Tony smiled, Peter nodding. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mr. Stark.” He said sincerely, going to take a shower. Tony texted May and updated her before going to Peter’s room and cleaning up what he could, at least enough for Peter to walk in it again. When Peter came out from the shower, dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, Tony could see he looked much better, even if his little curls were flopping onto his forehead. May came home as well, bags of Peter’s favorite foods and a couple movies. She gave Peter a hug, rubbing his back softly, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Tony. Tony gave Peter another hug before he left, telling Peter to call him or stop by whenever. Peter spent the rest of that night with May, eating ice cream and watching the ball drop at midnight. Over the course of his winter break, Peter started reaching out to friends more. He reached out to his college friends, the group of them deciding to go out for dinner at y/n’s favorite restaurant when they’re all back and settled at school. He reached out to Mj and Ned, the three of them reuniting. Tony was right. The grieving did come in waves. There would be days where Peter felt great and genuinely happy and days where he was sad and down and just needed to have a good cry. The nights became easier. Peter found that the nightmares were going away and if he did have one, he was able to fall back asleep. Little by little, he worked his way up to putting on the familiar blue and red suit, then to swinging around Queens again, until eventually, he found himself sitting on the rooftop of an apartment building, staring up at the stars. y/n was right. The stars were beautiful. He easily found her favorite constellation (the big dipper), a nearby star shining exceptionally bright. He knew that was her. Even though she wasn’t able to shine down on earth, Peter knew she was among the stars, shining down on him and their friends, a beautiful sign that maybe things would eventually be okay.

_______________________________________________________________________

[cali-holland]

Teenage Love Story, Part Four- S.M.

Pairing: Shawn Mendes X Reader

Prompt: Shawn’s big day- performing at Rogers Centre, and the first time you two see each other in months.

Word Count: 3400

Previous Parts: Teaser   One   Two   Three

~~~

“Shawn, stop.” You whined breathlessly through a fit of laughter.

“Never.” He laughed, continuing to tickle you with his hands roaming viciously around your hips.

“I need to pack.” Your words made his smile falter and he stopped his actions with an over-dramatic sigh. His hands rested on your waist as you leaned up to peck his lips.

“Do you have to go?” He asked, pulling away from the kiss with a small groan.

“To college? Yes.” You said with a small giggle, your fingers making their way to lightly tug on and twist around his curls at the nape of his neck.

“You could always just stay with me on tour, you know?”

“I’ve spent all summer with you.” You teased. After you two graduated, Shawn took off on his tour for Handwritten and you followed him all over North America. You stayed with him in Pickering for his birthday, and now you had a day to finish up packing back in Nashville before moving out for college. Shawn had pulled you away from your anxious thoughts on getting everything gathered for college with a tickle fight, making you appreciate him being there with you even more.

“Mmm,” Shawn hummed before shaking his head, “I’m going to miss you. The shows won’t be nearly as good without my number one fan there supporting me.”

“I’ll always be with you. I’m going to miss you too.” You told him and he gave you another kiss.

“Just promise me that you won’t go falling for any college guys, yeah?”

“Promise me that you won’t have any groupies, and we have a deal.”

“Deal.” He laughed, and you kissed him for a third time before moving away from him to continue packing, just like you had been doing earlier.

“You know, next time I see you, you’re going to have two albums out.” You stated, thinking about how his new album, Illuminate, was dropping in a month. You sat in front of your dresser and began to hand him your clothes and he placed them into your suitcase. 

“And then I’ll really count as a rockstar.” 

“You’ll count once you get Rogers Centre.” You teasingly remarked. Shawn chuckled as you absentmindedly gave him some of your underwear. You scoffed when you looked over and realized what he was laughing about.

“Want me to take these with me, huh, babe?” His face was red as he continued to laugh at his own humor. 

“Shut up, just put them in the suitcase.” You rolled your eyes at him.

“Nah, I think I’ll take this for the road.” He held up a single pair of your black underwear, discarding the others into the suitcase.

“Shawn,” You sighed, quickly taking it from him and placing it in your bag. Your eyes darted towards your open bedroom door, making sure your parents hadn’t passed by, “That’s it- you’re on shoe duty.”

“Aw, come on, you don’t want to take my underwear with you?” Shawn teased.

“Yours probably smell disgusting. Why would I want them?”

“I’ll keep that in mind for when I do a Calvin Klein photoshoot.” You playfully hit his shoulder and he pulled you in for a kiss, not wanting to lose the opportunity to show you just how much he loved you.

As you were drawn away from your deep sleep, all you wanted to do was kiss Shawn again. Back then, it seemed like the two of you would share countless kisses for all of time- that you would always be happy together. It was with a heavy heart that you realized that it may never happen again.

Today was a big day for you- and well, definitely a bigger day for Shawn. His first stadium show was today at the Rogers Centre, and today was the first day you would see him in person since the airport all those months ago. After calling Aaliyah a few weeks ago, she had managed to get you a ticket to the show. It was for the same VIP area that she’d be in with the rest of the special guests such as his entire family and his close friends.

You let out a large sigh as you climbed out of your bed that felt unusually cold last night. Yawning and stretching, you got ready for the day, already trying to plan a simple outfit for later tonight. If you were feeling brave enough, you’d even dare to go backstage with Aaliyah after the show, an offer that she had made to you in an effort to get the two of you back together. You had told her that you’d at least wait until after the show to see him, if you were even going to, because the last thing you wanted to do was to open that wound right before his big show.

Later that night, you made your way through the stadium’s crowd nervously. You knew his fans recognized you, you knew it was currently going around on social media that you- his ex-girlfriend- were here at his show. As you arrived to the VIP area, you immediately went to Aaliyah.

“Y/N, you made it.” She smiled, pulling you in for a hug the moment she saw you.

“I wouldn’t miss it. Thank you for this.” You said. Your eyes trailed over to Karen and Manny, and you suddenly felt guilty for the past nine months. They were like second parents to you- they treated you like their own daughter, and you hadn’t reached out since the break up.

“It’s so nice to see you again.” Karen stepped forward first, breaking the awkward tension in the air. She gave you a warm hug, one that you didn’t know you had missed.

“It’s nice to see you too.” You replied kindly. You took a deep breath as you looked around the stadium. It was even bigger than you had imagined, and you felt so overwhelmingly proud of Shawn.

“One day I’m going to headline it.” You could hear his voice in your head, so sure that one day he’d be right here. The soft moment was broken by intense screams as ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ began to play.

“That’s his cue.” Aaliyah told you happily. She pulled you over to the barricade so you could stand right there with her, in the front row. Soon, the song ended and the familiar notes of ‘Lost in Japan’ started. Aaliyah cheered beside you as Shawn’s silhouette appeared. Smiling, you cheered on your rockstar too.

“All it’d take is one flight, We’d be in the same time zone,” Shawn began to sing as he stood with the microphone stand. Your heart almost burst as you watched him sing and move happily- you had always told him that he belonged on stage, and he never proved you wrong.

It wasn’t until the bridge that he swiftly moved across the stage to where you were standing. You wanted to sink back into the crowd, to hide your face from him, but Aaliyah kept you close to her and you knew the fifteen year old wouldn’t let you leave easily. That sad feeling in your heart vanished when Shawn saw you. He did a double take, blinking a few times to check that you were in fact there. He smiled breathlessly at you and you could tell he was trying his hardest to keep it together. 

“Do you got plans tonight, I’m a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I,” He sang, sending you the smallest of winks before turning to walk towards the other side of the stage. You were mesmerized by him- you couldn’t take your eyes off him, even as you bit down on your lip to hold back a few tears.

“Don’t start crying on me now.” Aaliyah playfully nudged your arm with her elbow. You let out a small laugh, keeping your eyes trained on Shawn. You didn’t know how you made it nine months without him, but now you knew you couldn’t take another day of this pain.

After the concert, Aaliyah led you backstage and you watched from the sidelines as the team and Shawn’s family crowded around him, cheering on the sweaty singer. You stood away from everyone else, not wanting to infringe upon his moment. You took that moment to watch him- he was all smiles; his curls had started to stick to his forehead, but they were still just bouncy enough; his white tank top clung to his body, showing off his new butterfly tattoo- the only tattoo that you didn’t literally hold his hand as he got it; he hugged every single person that he could, overwhelmed by the fact that he just ended his first stadium show.

You suddenly didn’t feel brave anymore. He was so happy, and you were worried that seeing you would ruin it. He saw you in the crowd, but maybe he had winked at Aaliyah, maybe he had forgotten what you looked like, maybe he didn’t care, maybe he didn’t love you anymore. Your stomach began to turn anxiously and, with some tears starting to form in your eyes, you quietly snuck out of the room and down the hall and out the door, praying that no one noticed.

But someone did.

Shawn had been searching for you since the second he got off stage. He wanted nothing more than to run to you, to talk to you, to tell you that he’s missed you, to kiss you, to love you again. As he navigated his way through the hugs from the group surrounding him, his eyes went around, trying to find you. It wasn’t until you were walking down the hallway that he saw you. He watched your disappearing form and his smile faltered. You were here, and, just like that, you left- and he never got to tell you how he really feels. His heart hurt, but he kept a happy face as he continued to celebrate with his family, his crew, and his friends through the night.

~~~

You didn’t sleep much that night. You couldn’t close your eyes without picturing Shawn on stage. Your bed felt cold the night before, but it was freezing tonight without him there to hold you and keep you warm. 

Finally, the sun was up and you found yourself at the small piano in your apartment- you had a few days to stay before you left for your last semester of school. Your fingers grazed over the keys, playing the soft melody of ‘Lover’.

A knock on your door pulled you from your thoughts. You considered calling back to them, saying ‘go away’, not wanting to be disturbed. They knocked again, and you groaned at the persistence of this unknown person. You pulled your loose robe tighter around your body, not wanting whoever was at the door to see you in your pajamas- which consisted of one of Shawn’s old t-shirts and loose shorts. Getting up from the piano, you made your way over to the front and opened it.

You didn’t know what you expected when you answered the door, but you definitely did not expect to see Shawn standing there, holding two cups of coffee from your spot in Pickering while displaying a smile that looked like a mix between a nervous one and a tired one.

“Hi,” Shawn said quietly.

“Hi,” You replied, your voice just above a whisper.

“Can I- Can I come in?” He asked, clearing his throat.

“Yeah,” You nodded, opening the door wider and letting him into your apartment. He walked inside and you shut the door behind him. The two of you stood there awkwardly in your living room, trying to think of the proper way to go about everything. “What do you have there?”

“Your usual.” He stepped forward and outstretched his hand to you for you to take the coffee. You slowly took it from his hand and took a sip, reassured by the warm, familiar feeling of your drink.

“Thank you.” A silence overcame the two of you once more, before you spoke up again. You smiled genuinely, “I was at the show last night. It was amazing.”

“Thanks. I saw you in the crowd a few times with Aaliyah.” Shawn replied, “I listened to the album. Your songs are incredible.”

“I had a lot of inspiration.” You said.

“Well, I’d love to hear the backstory.” He stated, his voice suddenly more hopeful and lively as he smiled at you.

“You see, about nine months ago, my boyfriend and I got in this stupid fight and we broke up. I wasn’t ready to move in with him then, but-” You paused and set down the coffee cup, trying to think of what to say next.

“There’s always a but.” He raised his eyebrows at you playfully, also putting his cup on the counter.

“But I am ready now and I’m afraid it’s too late. I’m worried that maybe he moved on.”

“Or maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he can’t get her out of his head; maybe he wanted to give her some distance and that’s why she never heard from him; maybe he listened to every word on her sister’s album, trying to figure out what parts were about him; maybe he had his first stadium show tonight and almost backed out of it because he thought she wouldn’t be there; maybe he wants her back more than anything else; maybe he’s still madly in love with her- his lover.” Shawn pleaded, his sad smile never once faltering as he spoke.

“Every word?” You asked quietly and he nodded.

“He can’t listen to ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’ without crying.” He laughed.

“I love you, Shawn.” You said, your hands reaching out for his.

“I love you so much, Y/N.” He grabbed your hands in his and pulled you in for a kiss. As you kissed him, you felt yourself begin to cry, overwhelmingly grateful that you had him back. It wasn’t until he pulled away and you opened your eyes that you realized he had started to cry too.

“Damn, who knew nine months apart would bring on the waterworks.” Shawn laughed, letting go of your hands to wipe away your tears. His hands rested on your cheeks as you wiped away his tears too.

“What do you say- want to try again? I don’t want a future without you.”

“On one condition.” His hands went around to the back of your neck and he gently took off your necklace. He held up the ring to you, “This stays where it belongs, no hiding it.” He slipped into back onto your ring finger and placed a soft kiss to it.

“You did tell me that you were replacing it one day.” You teased.

“I still fully plan on marrying you.” He reassured you, “Remember, you’ve loved me for three summers now and you want them all, lover?”

“There’s nothing I want more.” You wrapped your hands around the back of his neck as he rested his hands on your waist. “By the way, I’m kind of graduating in December and I got a job offer already- in Toronto.”

“Toronto, hm?” He bit his lip, raising his eyebrows at you again.

“I figure I should accept the position- that way I can actually move in with my rockstar boyfriend.”

“I think he’d appreciate that.” Shawn leaned down and kissed you for the second time that night, and you knew it wouldn’t be the last of the night either.

~~~

December 2019

“What do you think about this?” Shawn asked jokingly, holding up a green soap dish with a white bunny rabbit on it. He smiled as you laughed at the object.

“We can’t have a rabbit themed bathroom.” You giggled, your hands resting on the cart. It only had two objects: a sleek black mug rack for all of Shawn’s coffee needs and a fluffy blanket that you insisted on getting. Having finally graduated, you moved into Shawn’s apartment in Toronto. Since he hadn’t really been around to keep it homey, and he didn’t have the best eye for interior design sometimes, you two decided to go shopping for new things to bring life to the apartment.

“I don’t know, I think this bunny would match the frog butter tray.” He replied and you immediately looked over at the cart, seeing that he had managed to sneak the glass object by you. It was a cute idea, but the frog looked tormented and you definitely thought it was haunted.

“Shawn, no.” You whined playfully, taking it out of the cart and returning it to the shelf. You took the bunny soap dish from his hands and put it back on the shelf. “We have a butter dish, and who uses bar soap anymore?”

“But what if we start using bar soap?” He joked, reaching for the dish again.

“No,” You swatted his hands away from it as he laughed at you. He stepped behind you and put his hands on the cart, trapping you between his arms. The two of you kept walking through the aisle of miscellaneous kitchen and bathroom dishes. Shawn paused in front of the salt and pepper shakers.

“What if-”

“We are not getting the fire hydrant dog one.” You said, already knowing what he was eyeing. The salt and pepper shaker sitting in front of all the others was a bulldog lifting its leg to pee and a matching red fire hydrant.

“You’re really no fun sometimes.” He pouted and you turned around in his arms to kiss him.

“We already have shakers.”

“But we don’t have a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.”

“I’m done in this aisle. I’ll be in the picture frames.” You took the cart from his hands pushed it down to a few aisles over. When you stopped in front of the hanging picture frames, Shawn wasn’t behind you and you lightly rolled your eyes, knowing he was probably distracted by another random, animal themed dish. You smiled, seeing a black heart picture frame. You carefully picked it up and examined the wood detailing, trying to decide if it’d match the few picture frames Shawn already had.

“Whatcha got there?” You laughed as you heard Shawn’s voice when he finally caught up to you.

“Cute or cheesy?” You asked, holding it up to him.

“Cute.” He nodded, and you looked down, noticing the few objects in his hands. You raised your eyebrows questioningly at him, and he let out a small chuckle. “They’re just towels.”

“Do they have dinosaurs on them or something?” You teased.

“God, I wish.” He held up the two light blue towels to show a matching embroidered ‘Mr.’ and ‘Mrs.’ on each towel. “What do you say?”

“Cheesy, but cute.” You replied. You placed the picture frame down in the cart, expecting him to do the same with the towels, but he didn’t.

“Yes or no?” Shawn asked.

“To what?” You laughed suspiciously, trying to figure out if what you thought was happening was actually happening.

“I have to do everything, don’t I?” He joked, putting the towels in the cart before getting down on one knee.

“Shawn,” You breathed out and he reached into his pocket to grab out a ring box.

“Y/N, I’ve loved you since I was sixteen. This past year has been crazy without you, and I never want to let you go again. I know we’re young and you’re going to argue that we should wait, but you’re worth the wait, you’re worth everything to me. I only want to be with you. Will you be my Mrs., my lover? Will you marry me?” Shawn smiled hopefully, the delicate ring sparkling in the velvet box in his hands.

“Yes, my answer will always be yes.” You said, tears in your eyes as you watched him slowly take off your leaf ring and replace it with the diamond ring.

“Told you I’d replace it.” He kissed the new ring before placing the old one on your other ring finger.

“I love you so much.” You told him as he stood on his feet again. You pulled him in for another kiss. “I can’t believe you just proposed to me in the middle of a store.”

“What, do you want me to redo it?” Shawn asked, faking offense from your teasing comment.

“No, I love it.” You smiled as he leaned down to kiss you again. With a new ring resting on your left hand, you knew these sweet kisses with Shawn would be endless and you couldn’t want anything more.

Part Five

~~~

Tag List: @peterparkyourassonme @someinsanefangirl @kbearr12 @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @haute-shawn @winterin127 @loveylangdon @wasteddarlinglover @turtoix @green-lxght @clairestarkparker @marissje @shawnandconnor

[acopenhagenarmy]

PART FIVE

Pairing: Namjoon x reader

Word count: 1,3K

Warnings: Fluff 

MASTERLIST

/ Moodboard / Teaser / One / Two / Three / Four / Five / Six / Seven / Eight / Nine / Ten /

Y/N POV

You were finally with him, in his arms, feeling the rapid beating of his heart against your cheek as he held you close to him. You didn’t want to let go, and something told you that neither did he. So, you stayed there for a little while, embracing each other, savoring every second. At least you did until Taehyung suddenly started to yell.

“Namjoon-ah! Can you let go of her so the rest of us can meet her already?!” The way he spoke was very dramatic, and the pout he had on his lips made both you and Namjoon laugh as the two of you turned to look at his friend.

“I’m sorry Tae, come and say hi.” He spoke and loosened his arms that until now had rested perfectly around your waist. Afterwards he took a few steps back, a move you found weird. At least that was until the five remaining boys came running towards you.

He laughed at your puzzled facial expression as they stared bombarding you with questions and names. He stood back and looked at the giant grin on your face, as you tried to remember everything they said. You looked up to see Namjoon watching you, he had a sweet and gentle smile painted on his lips. You raised one of your brows, a silent way to ask him for the reason behind his smile, as response he shook his head a little and kept looking at the scene before him.

You talked to all of the boys for a few minutes, or at least until their leader broke through and said: “Okay I think that’s enough for now. You can grill her for information tonight after the concert.”

“You guys have a concert tonight?” You looked at him, with a stern look, and heard Jungkook sing: Someone’s in trouble, as they all moved away from you to make room for their leader.

“Yeah we do, it’s kind of why we’re in the states after all.” He flashed you a shy dimple smile with that statement. He was teasing you, and that caused you to roll your eyes at him. He let out a deep chuckle as he pulled you close to him. And once again he rested his forehead against yours.

“Don’t worry Moonie, I’ll always make time in my schedule for you.”

You shivered at his statement and the promise in his emotions, he meant every word, and he needed you to know that you now were a priority in his life and his every day.

You nodded and pressed your nose against his for a few seconds, savoring how his breath hitched in his throat as your lips were now only a few centimeters away from his. 

As he looked down at you, you became lost in his hooded eyes. The love and need they held took your breath away and made it almost impossible for you to breathe. Because of that your lungs were grateful when Jin coughed, and disturbed the trance your soulmate had trapped you in.

“Namjoon I know that this is as important as it gets, but we need to be back within the hour, we can’t disappoint ARMY.” His smile was soft, and his eyes a little sad. The both of you understood why, he had to go now, he had to leave, now that you’ve finally got him.

You didn’t think it was possible, but he pulled you even closer to him and kissed your forehead as a tear escaped your eye.  The last thing you wanted was for him to leave you alone, so you whispered: “Take me with you, don’t leave me…” You voice were trembling and desperate, another kiss was placed, this time on your cheek as he said: “Okay.” With that he grabbed your hand, said something to his brothers in Korean, and dragged you out of the hall.

He stopped when you stood outside the school, your hand tangled in his. He lighted up the city as he stood there, looking around a little confused. Then he shook his head as she smiled a little.

“Yeah this would’ve worked out way better if I knew where you lived.” You couldn’t help but to laugh a little at him.

“Come, follow me and I’ll show you”

You linked your arm with his and pulled him around the city, his security team not far behind you. The silence was comfortable and not as awkward as you’ve always feared, and whenever his skin brushed against yours small lightning bolts traveled through your body.

“We’re here…” You said as you opened your outer door with a passcode and let the both of you into the small lobby of your apartment building. He looked around with a small smirk on his lips. “Bear with me okay? I wasn’t really expecting company today, so it might not be as clean as you expect.”

He chuckled lightly by your statement and said. “Moonie I’m not sure if you know this, but I share an apartment with six boys in their twenties, who spend all their time either rapping, singing or dancing.” He spoke as you stepped into the elevator, and as you pressed the button he continued: “So trust me I’ve seen it all before.” You couldn’t help but laugh a little at his statement. At least he wasn’t too judgemental.

As you opened the door to your apartment and stepped in with Namjoon right behind you. It wasn’t big, but it was yours. You sat down on your bed as you watched him peacefully. He looked around at all the decorations there were spread around the apartment. He enjoyed every little moment of it, because it gave him an idea of what kind of person you were.

“It’s nice!” He said it as he looked at you, smiling that dimple smile that made your heart melt. You chuckled a little, and that when a small ‘miaow’ was heard from under the bed. Somehow Namjoon’s smile became even brighter than it was before. “You have a cat I see, what its name?”

“Her name is Kenza, but she’s not that social, especially when it comes to people she hasn’t met before. So don’t get all grumpy when she doesn’t want to come out” You winked at him, and once again he flashed you his dimples.

He sat down at the floor as he held out his hand and said: “I think you forget that the two of us is made from the same soul, so if Kenza loves you…” as he spoke she came out from under your bed and moved towards him. And as he spoke the last few words, she let him pet her “… She loves me too.”

This man who sat in front of you, with your cat in his arms, had in the last 24 hours turned your world upside down. He was everything you had ever dreamed off, everything you had ever hoped you deserved.

As he sat there looking up at you, all he could feel was love and excitement. The love he felt for you grew stronger every second. The need to have you around all the time, was like a magnetic pull he couldn’t ignore. He dreaded the day he had to leave New York and leave you behind in the big city without him to protect you. But something told him that the two of you would be okay.

He stood up and let go of you cat as he said. “Pack a bag love, I’m taking you with me for a few days.” You stood up and looked him in the eyes, as he sat Kenza down on your bed. “So tell me, Kim Namjoon, where you taking me?” Your eyes had his devoted attention, because as you looked at him, they had a sparkle and a fire, that made him lightheaded and a little dizzy.

“I’m taking you home with me, taking you to where you belong, which is right by my side… always”

[lamptracker]

Counting Down the Days teaser (Peter Parker/Female Reader)

This is my newest series I’m working on. Summary and part 1 teaser tonight; part 1 sometime tomorrow.

FIC: Counting Down the Days

Pairing: Peter Parker/Female Reader

Summary: While visiting a children’s hospital as his alter ego Spider-Man, Peter meets a girl his age. She’s sweet, she’s smart, she’s funny... and she’s dying of cancer. When she laments the fact that she probably won’t get to live long enough to have the typical teenage experiences of prom and a boyfriend, Peter offers to fill those roles for her.

There is an Endgame spoiler in here. Title comes from a lyric from the song “Cancer” by My Chemical Romance

“Wow,” Peter said. “That is incredibly not fair.”

“Tell me about it. My friends are all stressed out about their SAT’s, what college they’re going to pick, and here I am wondering if I’m going to live until dinner.” (y/n) puffed her cheeks out, exhaling slowly. “That’s dramatic, I’ve got at least a month or two but you know what I’m trying to say. But anyway, prom is in a few weeks and they’re texting me pictures of their dresses and they’re all going to look great.” She smiled sadly.

“But you’re not going to get to go,” Peter said softly.

“Nope. That’s the thing that sucks about this the most. They get to have lives, Peter. They get to go on dates, have boyfriends, go to prom. I won’t get to do any of that.” A tear slid down her cheek; she hurriedly wiped it away. “I’m sorry, you came in here to cheer me up and now I’ve bummed both of us out.”

“No, no, it’s okay! It’s okay.”  Peter smiled at her warmly.

But the wheels in his head were turning…

“Hey,” he said finally. “What if I did that?”

“What if you did what?”

“Well, I-I know you can’t leave, right? But maybe… maybe you could have a date? In here? With me? And-and maybe we could have our own tiny prom?”

(y/n) scrunched up her face in confusion. “You just met me, you’d do that just for me?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Because you’ll get attached,” she said simply. “And then I’ll be gone, and then you won’t know what to do?”

Peter laughed bitterly. “You think I’ve never lost anyone close to me before?” he asked, voice tinged with sadness. “Let’s see, I’ve lost… um… both my parents. My uncle Ben - who I watched get shot, by the way. And you’ve heard of Tony Stark, yeah?”

“Yeah. That was so sad, I… oh, no.”

Peter nodded. “He was my mentor, the closest thing I had to a dad since Uncle Ben died. And I watched him die too. So… I’m sort of used to it.”

“God, Peter. I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”

Peter shrugged. “Eh. You never know what’s going on with a person just by looking at ‘em, y’know? So, um… what do you say, huh?”

“You can't fall in love with me.”

“I can’t promise that, I fall in love very easily. I almost married a key lime cheesecake last week. Our children would have looked really weird.”

(y/n) laughed slightly. “You know what? Okay. Let’s do this. What have I got to lose, huh?”

Put yourself on the taglist here, if you’re not already on my list.

[pikapeppa]

Solavellan angst: Never Too Late

Inspired by the DA4 teaser trailer. I’ve got that Solavellan, Solavellan sadness... *sung to the tune of Lana Del Rey’s Summertime Sadness*

Timeline note: vaguely a couple of years after Trespasser.

For @dadrunkwriting Friday.

Read here on AO3:  tinyurl.com/solavellanhell1

**************

He talks to Elia still, sometimes.

The conversations take place in his imagination, of course. They are fairly one-sided, and might more accurately be called monologues, but his thoughts are always aimed at her.

He travels across Thedas largely on his own. He moves between his multitude of strongholds and sees the swelling numbers of elves who have flocked to the promise of freedom. He provides the encouragement that he can, and he gives the commands that he must. And all the while, he imagines what she would say to all of this.

He imagines her wide-eyed dismay if she knew that Briala had ceded the eluvians - and her countless spies - to his cause. He imagines the sad resignation on her face if she knew that Abelas had joined him as well. He imagines her, and in the privacy of his mind, he explains to her why he must do everything that he has done.

If he can explain it to her - if he can imagine that she believes him - then he can continue to believe it himself.

He keeps the conversations imaginary. He does not seek her in the Fade. His agents are watching her, just as they are watching everyone, but he refuses to hear what Elia is doing unless it directly impacts his plans.

So far, despite her best efforts, little that she has done has made him need to change his course. He is unsure whether to be relieved by this fact, or to pity her for it.

When he is not plotting and planning and issuing orders to his officers, he walks the Fade and watches where the spirits are clamouring. Sometimes he walks as himself and talks to the spirits. He gleans their advice, and he coaxes them away from the dangers of the thinnest parts of the Veil.

Other times, he walks in his other form so he need not speak to anyone. When he prowls on four lupine legs, he is hidden among the multitude of other creatures who fly and crawl and slither in the shifting unreality of his native world.

It is on one such night that he finds an unusual lacune of peace in the Fade. It is a dark glen, thick with trees and soft grass underfoot, devoid of the usual roiling whirl of spirits who have grown more restless in the past few years. The spirits who float here are calm and sedate and slow.

Curious about this place of quiet, he pads into the glen on his four furred feet.

A raven-haired adolescent sits high in a tree. It is an elven figure, pale of skin and dark of hair, feet swinging with the happy abandon of youth.

He stops when he spots her, and she stops swinging her feet.

Then she turns her head to look at him.

He stares back at her. She is young, and her cheeks are round and bare. But her brilliant cerulean eyes are unmistakable.

She slides down from the tree, and by the time her toes touch the ground, Elia is her full height and age again. Her sweeping vallaslin stands out starkly on her cheekbones, and the exuberance of her swinging feet is gone.

She wraps her one remaining arm around her middle. There is a frailty to her, a certain fragility that he doesn’t recall, but the gaze that meets his own is steady.

“What brings you here?” Elia asks.

Her question is polite and calm: far more calm than he expected, and far more polite than he perhaps deserves.

He cannot answer with his lupine teeth and tongue, and it is for the best. In truth, crossing her path was completely accidental, but Elia has always had a talent for tempting words to leave his heart that are better left unsaid.

He remains silent. A moment later, or perhaps it is an eon, she sits slowly on the grassy ground.

She wraps her arm around her knees and regards him gravely. “You’ve had agents observing me. Observing us,” she amends. “The… former Inquisition.”

Her words are a statement, not a question. She is correct, of course, although observation is only a fraction of what his people have done. But of course, he cannot say that; not with the goals that take precedence in the logic of his mind, and not with his wolf’s jaws and mouth.

He remains silent.

She watches him for a moment longer, then nods her head as though his silence is an answer. The tranquility of this place is as thick and heavy as a wet snowfall, and he wonders if it is Elia’s calming influence that has brought this cloying brand of peace. Perhaps she had purposely sought this silence.

If that is the case, his presence is ruining it for her.

He should go. He knows he should. He knew it the moment he spotted her short and tufty hair. There is no point in his being here; the lines were clearly drawn the last time they met, and there is no place for either of them at the other’s side. Despite the skirmishes he’s orchestrated and the spies he’s sent to infiltrate her allies’ ranks, the worst that he will do is still yet to come.

He studies her face in silence. Her eyes are soft and sad, but there is something strange about them; something oddly flat. He can’t help but remember other times when her eyes were bright with happiness, with the awe of discovery, with love.

He remembers being the focus of the happiness in her eyes. He remembers being the reason for her joy. He didn’t appreciate it enough at the time. But then again, he should never have allowed himself to become so important to her at all.

He turns to leave.

“Solas,” she calls.

He stops in his tracks. Solas. It is a foreign word to his ears. He hasn’t heard this name in years. He shed the name when he shed her people - when he shed her. But the impact it has, the power of this name in her soft and rolling voice…

“You can still change your mind,” she says. “You don’t…” She pauses. “You are stepping farther away from the man I knew,” she tells him. “I don’t want that for you.”

He turns around to face her. Her cavernous gaze is deep and full of empathy. The weight of it - of her understanding - is more than he can bear.

Suddenly he is speaking, speaking before he can stop the words from leaving his now-elvhen tongue. “I did not want any of this for you,” he says.

She rises slowly to her feet. “Then make it stop,” she says simply.

Her voice is gentle but just as flat as the look in her eyes, and his ominous sense of offness increases.

“That is impossible,” he says.

She steps closer to him. “It’s never too late,” she says. “It will never be too late to fix this.”

She is wrong. There is always point of no return, a point at which it is no longer possible to go back, and he is swiftly reaching that time.

She stops a foot away from him. Her one remaining hand hangs limply at her side. “I haven’t given up on you, you know,” she says.

Her lackluster tone belies her words, and the bleakness in her expression continue to strike a discordant note in his heart. He may be moving farther from the man she knew, but the woman before him - this woman with the weight in her eyes and the weariness in her face: this is not the Elia he knew.

He swallows hard before speaking. “I assure you, I am beyond your reach. It would be wiser for you to invest your energies elsewhere, Inquisitor,” he says.

For the first time tonight, she smiles. “I haven’t been the Inquisitor for years. You know that. Or have your spies been so amiss?”

Her smile is a twisted mask of rueful bitterness, and finally he realizes what is wrong. She may not have given up on him, but she has given up on herself.

A boil of emotion rises in his chest, frothing behind his eyes and at the back of his tongue. He hates seeing her like this, so devoid of hope and so lacking in passion. He would almost welcome the vitriol that she screamed at him the last time they met; at least it was evidence of passion and of life.  

But she is only like this because of him. He has no one but himself to blame.

Before he can stop himself, he is reaching for her.

He cups the softness of her cheek in his hand. Her eyes snap to his face, and for an instant, there is a spark in them. He stares greedily at her eyes, hungry for that spark and wishing with his entire aching heart that he could foster it, but he knows it isn’t possible.

I’m sorry. The fault is entirely mine. The words rattle in his mind, but he holds them back. He has said these words before, and they were useless then. They will be just as useless now.

She stares back at him, and bit by bit, that fragile little spark dies away. She smiles again, and the smile is wrong, heavy and crooked with melancholy.

“I’ve never stopped defending you, you know,” she says. “For all that we’ve been working against you, I’ve never stopped believing you’ll change your mind. They all think I’m a fool.”

“You should listen to them,” he says, then winces at his unintentional cruelty.

Elia laughs, but it sounds distinctly like a sob. “I should, shouldn’t I?” She sighs heavily, then takes a step away from him. “I can’t give up, Solas. It’s too late for me. But it will never be too late for you.”

She takes another step away. He wants to follow her, to convince her that - what? That there is hope for her, to survive and thrive? That he will come back to her? That he will change his mind?

His tongue is paralyzed by the lies he refuses to tell her. He simply watches as Elia backs away. “You know where I’ll be,” she says. “Or your spies will, at least. If they do their jobs.” She shoots him a tiny smile.

It’s wan and sad, but more genuine than any of the others smiles she’s given him thus far. Before he can properly appreciate its beauty, she is gone.

He takes a deep breath and presses his fingers to his burning eyes. Then a small voice speaks in his ear. “Waiting, wanting, never waning. ‘He does not want this,’ she says. They don’t believe her, but it’s true, isn’t it?”

He sighs. The spirit always seems to find him, even when he begs it to leave him be. “You should go to her,” he tells the spirit. “She needs you more than I. And I am certain she misses you.”

Compassion floats in front him, a faded reflection of a boy with shaggy hair. “Yes,” it agrees. “But she misses you more.”

A tear slides down his cheek. “I know,” he whispers.

[myfirelight64]

Don’t Mess Up My Tempo Lyric Analysis: Gravity, With You, & Smile On My Face

Hey everyone! Here’s my long overdue lyric analysis on DMUMT! As you can see from the title, there’s only three songs I found relevant (Gravity and With You, as Chanyeol wrote them, and Smile On My Face for it’s familiar lyrics), which isn’t a lot, but I think With You made up an entire album of lyrics in itself! Let’s get right into it.

1. Gravity

I’m starting with Gravity since it’s the first song in the tracklist to talk about. Chanyeol only wrote this partially, but I’m more interested in a few particular lyrics that Chanyeol and Baekhyun sing than the whole song. This song, like many on the album, are quite sad lyrically, despite their upbeat tempo. 

I mentioned in my last lyric analysis that I thought it seemed more like communication between Baekhyun and Chanyeol than both singing to one person, like in Universe, perhaps taken from a past time since they’re obviously in a great place right now.

[BAEKHYUN] I'm still waiting for you, aren't I? My heart will always draw you in like gravity

[CHANYEOL] The bet I placed on you failed in the end A race I was running on my own Honey look at me now All that comes back is an echo without an answer Swirling around my heart You left me behind you, falling apart And I'm scared I'll be left to drift in a universe without you

[BAEKHYUN] If it's for you, I have the strength to move anything You know that

Perhaps it’s because Chanyeol’s lines and Baekhyun’s last lines are unique in the song, rather than repeated lyrics by many members, but this struck me as more of a conversation than all the members singing about someone. There’s no other two members lines that come off like this to me, hence I added it.

In Chanyeol’s verse, he not only talks about his regrets, but, as we can see in the last line, his insecurities.

“I'm scared I'll be left to drift in a universe without you”

And then Baekhyun says:

“If it's for you, I have the strength to move anything You know that”

The saddest part of these lyrics is they sound as though it’s more separate thoughts when they’re apart rather than a real conversation, but I thought they seemed to match, Chanyeol’s insecurities, and Baekhyun’s reassurance.

This also reminds me a lot of Universe, and not just because of Chanyeol’s use of the word.

[BAEKHYUN] Unlike my determination, nothing’s getting better I always disappoint you And I regret it too

[CHANYEOL] We warmly held each other With happy laughter

Laughter and tears, scars and healing

[BAEKHYUN] Memories engraved in the seasons They come and go several times But I will still call out to you

[BAEKHYUN/CHANYEOL] I feel it so much it hurts Wherever you are, I’ll go to you

[BAEKHYUN] Because that’s love*

(a/n: lyrics are in order but not consecutive)

I’ve already talked about these lyrics, in another analysis, but the Gravity lyrics just reminded me of them in the way they sound, separate but about each other, separate from the rest of the lyrics sung by the other members. There also seemed a realness in the lyrics I extracted from Gravity that I didn’t feel in the other lyrics. That might just be my bias though.

Also like Universe, Baekhyun ends the song with two open lines:

“I'm still waiting for you, aren't I? My heart will always draw you in like gravity”

2. Smile On My Face

In order to save the best for last, I’m giving a quick mention to this song after I looked through them and found another part rather familiar. I don’t know if Chanyeol had any part in this song, but the sort of dreamy sound it has reminded me strongly of With You, and the lyrical depth is on another level to me like so many of Chanyeol’s songs compared to other songs on the album. The lyrics I’m talking about are Baekhyun’s lyrics in the song, which strongly remind me of that song I did an analysis on a while ago, Please, Don’t Look So Sad, that they performed back in 2014 with some exceptional emotion.

[BAEKHYUN] You pass by just like the wind you disappear naturally

[BAEKHYUN] I stood there blankly for a long time I weakly look at you who is far I also don't understand why I'm like this just like the day I let you go

[BAEKHYUN] I did it all with a smile on my face the traces has disappeared in my mind What if they return back to me I'll just smile and send them back

[CHEN/BAEKHYUN] I did it all with a smile on my face It doesn't have to hurt anyone I don't grab on to you who is getting far I want to send you off with a smile With a smile on my face

Although there isn’t much actual similarity, it almost sounded like a heart-wrenching continuation of Please, Don’t Look So Sad, even though they obviously moved on from that time in their life.

[CHANYEOL] When I saw your face That'd become a little leaner And as I was walking the streets in the rain My heart ached How much more should I have to ache Until our little wish comes true?

[BAEKHYUN] Please don't pull a sad face like that 'Cause I'll never give (you) up.

To be completely honest, this doesn’t really have much backing it up in the end, but I just thought that it was interesting.

3. With You

What don’t I have to say about this song? Ultimately, I think it’s the most beautiful song Chanyeol has ever written, both in sound and lyrically. From the very first notes of the song, it has a very dream-like sound that immediately sets you into the mood of the lyrics.

[SUHO] If you look at those stars that are bright It's just like looking at you You resemble everything that shines

Already there’s that light/starlight reference - it’s threaded through the whole song.

[BAEKHYUN] When the night sky thickens The whole world is tinted with light You naturally take my hand Suddenly it's getting tainted to me

These were some of the most interesting lyrics to me, as I mentioned before in my shorter analysis on this. I’ll talk about it again, to make the analysis more complete.

Up until this point, whoever Chanyeol has been writing about has been referenced to as the sky or stars. In this song, he says “when the night sky thickens and the whole world is tinted with light”, referencing to a sunset, for the first time. And while the sunny skies are beautiful, as are stars, the incredible variety of different kinds of beauty a sunset presents is a whole other level of beauty that he has never mentioned before. It also shows the depth of whoever he is singing about, and how beautiful he thinks they are no matter what shade they are at the moment.

[KYUNGSOO] Sometimes I think that When you smile and look at you With both eyes and mouth It looks like it resembles me

This other thread is interesting to me because it takes quite a while for couples to start resembling each other. In this verse, he’s saying they physically look alike, not just in terms of speech or humor as Baekhyun described it as. Therefore he’s writing about someone he’s been with for a very long time.

[BAEKHYUN] Both eyes are light shining As bright as me I think it's shining

[KYUNGSOO/CHEN] Sometimes I see you when you see me

[CHANYEOL] Yeah I am looking at you everyday You are watching [me] From a mirror-like expression to a tone I feel my appearance*

(a/n: some lyrics are skipped when they’re either repeated or I don’t consider them important to the analysis)

“Sometimes I see you when you see me” is another reference to reflection, as well as “from a mirror-like expression to a tone I feel my appearance”, which is a line I especially like from this song.

[BAEKHYUN] Look at the deeper night and I stop for a moment

[KYUNGSOO] I want to keep it in my eyes for me

Here it changes to “deeper night” from “the night sky thickens”, showing the falling of night. Rather than sunset, the time and beauty of his S/O is shifting into the dark night.

[SUHO/CHANYEOL] Then I think sometimes resemblance look and come out with me Everything is trivial The little things all resemble each other

[ALL/BAEKHYUN] Promise me now when all the light disappears It's always like tonight Let me shine forever

[CHANYEOL] Love you

I think Chanyeol’s last line is a very sweet and personal touch. Ending the song like this, while Baekhyun’s still singing, is very important. It means this entire song is definitely about someone he loves, even though there has been no pronoun or definitive line that says it isn’t just someone he’s close to. So in case there was any doubt, it’s very definitely for someone that he loves that way. In case you’re wondering “How do we know this is about Baekhyun?” I’ll explain.

First of all, we know Chanyeol wrote this song. As far as I know, from beginning to end. It contains many of the references I’ve mentioned in past analysis, so he’s obviously talking about the same person. On top of this, Chanyeol was asked years ago what colour he associated with Baekhyun and he said “SKY”. From then, every sky reference, be it pictures (Chanyeol said all his photos were of ‘the sky’) or lyrics, it’s been generally assumed it’s about Baekhyun. To have an entire song about the sky and stars, especially with how Chanyeol has been into stargazing lately, and no doubt gave him inspiration. I also have no doubts he hasn’t at least greatly shared his latest interest with Baekhyun, which would add meaning to Baekhyun.

Besides this, it’s Baekhyun’s favourite song on the album and also ‘his’ song, in terms of teasers. When describing it, Baekhyun said it was a song about two lovers becoming similar to each other and seeing the light. He also said when he first heard the song, it was like the light of the sun in the morning. On top of this, during the 181102 showcase, he made several references towards the sky and stars, suggesting he’s just as much in on the metaphors as Chanyeol is.

And that’s it! Like I said, considering how long the album is, it doesn’t seem like a lot, but With You really makes up for that, in my opinion. For everyone, there’s something that really solidifies their relationship to them, and for me it was this song. It’s so obvious who it’s about, both lyrically and how they act and talk about the song, and it’s very obvious what the song means towards that person. It’s a love song at it’s finest, and yet much deeper than most. It has a whole level of intimacy between them that we’re seeing for the first time, a more intense look into how Chanyeol really feels, rather than a fluttering heart or a happy mood. If I missed anything from my shorter With You analysis, please read this post.

That’s it for today guys! I have some more requests I’m getting around to, I promise!

[luckjustkissedyouhello]

ISAIP Fic Teaser - Love So Sterng I: Pound Puppy Eyes

I’m working on a fanfic. i’ve been working on it forever....since January. It’s easily the longest fanfic I’ve every written, and clocks in at ~42,000 works. AND I’ve finished it. Currently, @brownwithafrown is very kindly betaing it. I discovered, on reaching the ending, that the fic will be a series. I’m so proud of finishing that i thought i’d post the the opening scene tonight. 

Warnings (for the fic in general, not just the opening scene): Graphic violence. Foul language. More violence (in this scene).  Blood. Vomit. Mentions of past (physical) child abuse and neglect, as well as mentions/discussions of past childhood sexual abuse (aka: Uncle Jack). Self harm. Prescription drug misuse. Anxiety/Panic Attacks. Non-canon Character Death.  [I think that’s all - am I missing any @brownwithafrown?]

This scene especially is heavy on the violence/whumping of Charlie and Mac. The endgame is CharMac, though this fanfic doesn’t go there. No other pairings in this fic, 

Title: Love So Sterng I: Pound Puppy Eyes

Summary:  One of Frank’s bad choices has dire repercussions for two members of The Gang. Can they (and their friendships) survive the aftermath?

Mac doesn't register what he's hearing, at first. 

He's down in the basement, rearranging  the boxes of extra booze. Charlie complained he piled them too high. There was a step stool right there, for that very reason, but Charlie said he didn't like climbing on things, (not if he wasn't blitzed out of his head on inhalants and climbing a leaning tower of boxes to freedom via an air vent, apparently). And when Dee went down to get rum, she just squawked that the boxes were too heavy and that she was dizzy from basement fumes. Dumb bitch. So now Mac is pulling down the boxes, taking out four bottles per box so that there's only eight rather than twelve in the box, and stacking the boxes so they're chest height, no higher.

It's not his fault that he didn't know his own strength anymore (not that anyone gives a shit how hard he worked to look good and keep them safe with his hot new rockin' bod) and so he made the boxes too heavy. He hated doing inventory anyway because of this. Everyone had an opinion, but no one did the work (not that he didn't try to slide out of it himself). Also, it's not his fault that he couldn't find any more boxes. So now there's a lot of liquor bottles all around him on the floor. Brown liquor, clear liquor, whatever the hell Jägermeister  is… And Mac may be debating snagging a few bottles for his and Dennis's place. It's not really stealing, if he's taking something he'd just drink in the bar without paying, right?

He has to admit, it's a decent workout, lifting boxes and moving things around, which is why he put on his workout mix a little while ago. The music tells his body to go more faster. So his ear buds are in, not even at maximum volume, but it still takes a while for him to realize that there is an awful lot of stomping and crashing going on upstairs for a bar that is closed. Charlie is up there cleaning while Mac moves the stock around. They closed early, it was only eleven on a Tuesday, but Dee was out on a 'date' (yeah, right) and Charlie was bummed because he hadn't seen Frank in days, and Mac was bummed because Dennis was in North Dakota again, visiting D/BJ ('don't call him Dennis-slash-Brian Junior' Dennis had shouted at him, but Mac thought the nickname was great and wanted to keep it  - at least until the rest of the gang heard it - they had rules about this, banning of nicknames was not allowed without the nicknamer and nicknamed present, as well as at least one other member of the gang). So they decided to have a movie night to keep Charlie's spirits up. Which was why he is thinking about what liquor to snag – whiskey was winning out because Charlie tended to get sad as shit when he drank vodka straight and if Mac was honest with himself, Jägermeister made him kind of violent (the last time he had drank nothing but Jäger and Redbull, he put his hand through the mirror in the apartment's bathroom)  when he accidentally sets a box on the earbuds cord and doesn't realize until the little earbud is ripped out of his right ear as he turns to grab the next box.  

Just in time to hear a loud thud and Charlie scream. Mac's guts turn to ice. Because he knows each and every one of Charlie's screams, from frustrated to happy, sad to hungry, stoned to confessing love, (Charlie screams a lot) and that one was a rare one. That was the sound of pain. Charlie says something, Mac can just pick up on the highest sounds through the floor, and then there's another, softer thud than the one before.

Silence. Something is not right. Mac knows it in his bones. He runs for the stairs, he can't leave Charlie of all people alone up there with a threat, Charlie wasn't good in situations like this, didn't know how to ever just shut up and follow instructions, listening to the robber's words rather than getting distracted by like the light reflecting in a puddle or whatever else caught his eye – Mac once watched Charlie stare at the point of a mugger's knife for, like, three whole minutes before getting his wallet out while Mac and the crackhead *both* screamed at him fork over his cash. Which was only two dollars, in nickels, for some odd reason. Charlie was lucky Mac was with him and he didn't get knifed then, 'cause Mac was more smart and took Charlie's arm and ran as the mugger stared at his fistful of silvery metal and got this frustrated I'm gonna stab you anyway look on his face.

And. Yeah. No one is supposed to hurt Charlie. Not when Mac is around. He had made that promise to himself, and out loud to Charlie when they were like eight and Charlie had crawled through his bedroom window (scaring the shit out of Mac, who didn't know Charlie could climb up the side of his house like Spiderman!), sobbing and refusing to say why. Eight year old Mac was Ronnie then, and he held on to his friend and promised that he'd protect him, which just made Charlie cry harder. Mac had never forgotten that promise, and in school he caught more than one beating that was meant for the other man (and okay, sometimes Charlie got his ass kicked on Mac's behalf, but those weren't Mac's fault!), but Mac had made a promise to his oldest friend that day nearly forty years ago. He isn't going to break that now!

Charlie's rat bashing stick is leaning against the wall by the basement door. Without any other weapon, Mac decides it is better than nothing. Part of him is tempted to hide down in the basement and not come out. If it was anyone else up there alone, maybe he'd do that. But there's another thud, and now he can hear through the basement door the other guy's deep voice - fuck he's probably big - and Charlie's higher one shouting something, but he can't figure out what the fuck either of them are saying.

Charlie shouts again in pain, and that gets Mac moving again. It's Charlie. He can't leave him. Even if Mac is so scared his guts are frozen ice, he knows he has to see what's going on. He edges into the keg room, glad the door is open into the bar and he can sneak over to the doorway. What he sees makes him want to turn tail and hide, but also go over and beat the man's brains in with his bare fists.

Charlie is curled up fetal on the floor, on arm around his middle and the other up over his head, and Mac is pretty sure there's blood on Charlie's face, but he can't really see at the angle he's at. The dude, who is about Mac's height but looks much less beefy, but he's got a gun pointed at Charlie, and that's scarier than if Arnold himself was in the room. Mac heart is thudding so hard in his throat as he watches that he's afraid they both will hear it thudding and give him away, but they don't. The man just boots Charlie in the face, twice in rapid succession, boom boom without giving Charlie a chance to recover or even get his hands up to protect himself and says calmly: "I know you know where Frank is," while Charlie groans in pain, blood leaking between his fingers as he cups his hand to his smashed and bleeding nose.

"I don't!" Charlie answers, his voice is muffled by the hand he's got to his face, but it makes something twist in Mac's chest to hear Charlie sounding desperate and clogged with blood.

The man growls, actually growls and Charlie tries to shrink away, but he's got a dazed look on his face like he's not all there anymore and Mac can't blame him. Being kicked in the face is disorientating. The man reaches down and wraps his free hand in Charlie's hair and pulls up - Charlie cries out and has to grip the man's arm to keep from losing hair. The man shakes his fist and jerks Charlie's head around (wow, Mac's never seen an adult do that to another adult, though his father was fond of doing that to him when he was being a little bitch that didn't listen good). The man lets go of his hair and looks at the sleeve of the gray blazer he's wearing, marked by the blood that was on Charlie's hand.  

Charlie's eyes go wide and he starts to raise his hands up, but the stranger is quicker. Mac watches it happen in what feels like slow-motion, helpless to stop it, the man swinging the gun in his hand in a wide, punishing arch that ends with a crack against Charlie's left cheekbone and Charlie starts to fall to the side, but the man grabs Charlie's shirt collar in his fist to keep Charlie upright and hits Charlie in the face with the gun twice more so quick Charlie doesn't get a chance to brace himself between blows. The bastard isn't giving Mac a chance to step in, he's got the gun too close to Charlie for Mac to try and stop him - he can't take the risk that the man will shoot Charlie before he will get to them.

Seeing the man just whale on Charlie makes Mac angry, his hand tightens on the Rat Stick as he watches. He prays as he does because he can't *do fucking anything*, just watch as the man lets go of Charlie's shirt and Charlie fucking crumples to the ground with a moan of pain. Mac fucking prays more in those moments than he has in the last year, begging God or Jesus or like, Saint Jude (the patron saint of lost causes and therefore pretty much the one that probably gives a shit about guys like Mac and Charlie) to step in and not let Charlie get shot. Mac isn't sure what he'll do if Charlie were to die.

Charlie doesn't get shot. Instead, he fucking *writhes* on the floor, banging his right fist into the ground, hard, muttering 'fuck, fuck, fuck!' under his breath. Like that can distract from the pain that his face must be in. Mac hates himself for just watching, but he knows, he *knows* he only has one chance to surprise the bastard with the gun and get Charlie (and him) out of this alive.              

The bastard points the gun at Charlie. "Tell me where Frank is and I won't shoot you in your fucking face."

"I don't know where he is," Charlie says, his voice is still desperate, that sad desperate of someone who knows that they won't be believed, even though he's telling the truth.

The asshole growls again, and steps towards Charlie, the gun pointed at the floor as he raises his foot to kick Charlie again. And Mac decides that's it. Here's his chance. He needs to step in now, while the gun is pointed at the floor rather than Charlie. Mac finds that despite how much he hates seeing Charlie hurt, how much he hates this guy for hurting Charlie, a large part of him wants to be a coward and hang back, rush for the safety of the basement and hide there. But he can't do that. Can't leave Charlie to get beat up more, or worse.

Mac raises the bat and runs at the bastard. The guy turns to him just as Mac swings the bat. The spiked bat makes solid contact with the prick's head, Mac feels the shock of it connecting go down his arms (it's like driving a speeding car into a brick wall) and then Mac is sitting on his ass, having fallen for a reason he can't quite figure out for a long, dazed moment.

The guy hits the ground, the bat sticking to him, a spike shoved into his right eye, another driven in to his cheek. Mac stares at him, because the guy isn't moving, not even to breathe, and Mac still isn't sure why he's sitting down, except that *he* can't breathe and something catches his eye, he looks away from the not moving man and looks down at himself, because the something that caught his eye was blood, bright red and on his chest and it's his blood, and...and....there was a bang of the gun going off, wasn't there?

+++

end of teaser.

Thanks for reading! 

[spnsimpleman]

The Unknowns: Seven

This is a continuation for The Unknowns.  Which was a one shot and is now a long ass Prologue.  Part One.  Part Two. Part Three. Part Four.  Part Five. Part Six.

Dean x Psychic!reader

Teaser/Summary: An AU sparked from a songfic challenge, The Unknowns is based on Season One Episode Nine, Dean met reader in Lawrence as a child and they created an unbreakable bond. At the end of The Unknowns, reader decided to stick with her boys because she felt something coming but she holds secrets; one she holds close to her heart and a few that she doesn’t even really know yet.

Word count: 4768

Lines borrowed from season one episode sixteen, “Shadow” in Bold.

Dean snapped the phone shut after yet another pointless message. There was no way in hell John would make it. He could be anywhere and he’d never answered their phone calls in person up until this point, why would that change now? Maybe y/n was right. Maybe this was too neat.

“Voicemail?”

“Yeah.” He stood and looked at the fully loaded bag Sam dropped on the bed. He glanced up, “did you see her?”

That puppy dog look appeared then his gaze dropped to the bag, “yeah. She said she just needs some time.”

Dean nodded and looked into the bag, “it's better if we keep some distance or it just…” He waved his left hand between his chest and his brother’s, “we have to break the loop, she calls it. She can’t calm us both down so… it's probably worse now with the bond.” He lifted three books needing to get his head off what he had done and looked at Sam.

Sam shrugged, “I ransacked it. I’m not sure what to expect so I guess we should just expect everything.”

He picked up a gun and started prepping it and Sam followed his lead watching him from the corner of his eye. “Nervous?”

“No. Are you?”

“No. No way.” Sam clenched his jaw then looked down. “Can you imagine if we actually found that damn thing and killed it?”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“I know, I’m just sayin, what if we did? What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I’d sleep for a month. Go back to school. Have something normal again.”

Dean glanced at him, “school, huh?”

“Yeah, what about you guys? I mean you and y/n could actually have a life without me around all the time as the dorky third wheel.”

“You’re not a dork. You’re a nerd, there’s a difference.”

Sam chuckled, “no, but seriously. You and Y/n could do anything.”

He kept his hands moving and his eyes down. “We’d want our family back. I’ve had enough of being separated from my family.”

“Dean, you and y/n are good. Well,” Sam glanced toward the door, “maybe not right now.” Dean glanced up and shook his head.

Sam cleared his throat, “a family doesn’t live in the same house for the rest of their life. You seriously think you and her are content with crappy motels where people can hear you through the thin walls?” Sam rolled his eyes at the look on Dean’s face, “it won’t be like before. You and I, we don’t have these stupid ideas in our heads like you wouldn’t want to hear from me and you are over that distance equals safety thing. There won’t be any more radio silence. We’re not kids anymore. Besides when you two fight,” Sam glanced at the door again and a wistful look came over him, his shoulders relaxed and Dean knew he was lost in a memory until the tension returned and he looked back down at the gun in his hand, “you’re going to want your own place for that amazing makeup sex you love so much.”

Dean turned toward the door and wondered why the hell she was staying out there so long. He had already calmed down so why hadn’t she? The main thing that forced him to calm down was the way her fear still clawed at his chest after she left. She had closed so much off but hadn't been able to block that. “She really doesn’t want us to go.”

“You think we shouldn't? We don’t know what to expect. It could just be fear but it could be something else too.”

He looked at his brother, “we have to try. It’s better that she doesn’t go though. Just in case something goes sideways and dad doesn’t show. We could use the backup. I mean it can’t be a trap if we are already looking at that as a possibility, right?”

“You should go talk to her.” Dean stared at the door and Sam smirked, “believe me, making them wait only makes it worse. You should know that better than me.”

Dean nodded and dropped his gun on the bed and walked toward the door. He was so busy wondering what he should apologize for first that once he stepped outside the room he almost tripped over her. 

She was sitting in the hall with her back against the wall only feet from their door with her legs stretched out. “What are you doing out here?”

She glanced up and her hands dug further between her legs and he knew she was cold. “Felt like you guys were having a serious talk. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

He sat down against the wall beside her and she grabbed his hand lacing their fingers together. He studied their hands, the one thing that had changed so much yet still remained the same. “I’m sorry.”

She looked at him, her eyes shining and that little quiver in her lip, “I don’t want to lose you.”

He pulled her over onto his lap and hugged her. She latched onto him and his heart soared as he felt that quiet hum in the back of his head again. He closed his eyes and whispered in her ear, “best friends forever?”

“And ever.” She pulled back and looked him in the eye, “we’re not always going to agree, I know that.”

He touched her face starting with her cheek bone and working his way down. “Much too monotonous for us.”

That brilliant smile and her soft laughter bubbled in his chest. “And you would never survive without makeup sex.” But the fear and sadness still weaved in and out of his chest, her warmth attached to it, but she was trying to lift the mood before he left. She knew he would leave.

“Why does everyone say that?”

“You mean Sam and me?”

He dropped his gaze to her necklace and smoothed his fingers over the amulets, talismans, and blessed iron metals that her father gave her, “well, that’s everyone.”

She kissed his cheek, “maybe someday… we could have a little bit more. If you stay alive long enough.”

His gaze shot up to hers. “You are the master of guilt.”

Her face fell and she glanced toward the door, “yeah. I guess I am but not good enough to keep you from a promising lead.” She forced a smile but those words hit her harder than he meant. She pressed her fingers against his lips before he could apologize. “When you do get back alive, I can’t wait to say I told you so.”

“Okay, okay, that’s a bit arrogant. What was it you said about arrogance?”

She kissed him and he had to admit, he’d take makeup anything when it came to her.

The door opened and they both looked up at Sam. “Oh, hey.” His brow furrowed and he glanced back into the room, “ah, why are you on the floor?”

“You were the one that brought up makeup sex, Sammy.”

Sam stepped back into the room, “not even touching that one.”

“I am!” Dean called after him and she chuckled as she stood up.

“Come on, might as well get this over with.”

~~

Sam was lifting the heavy bag onto his shoulder when I walked into the room. “Please be careful. Keep your head and follow your instincts.” I hugged him and closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around me. “You don't have to be sorry. If you guys have to do this, I support you even if I think it's a terrible decision.”

Sam chuckled, “we’ll be alright. And hey, maybe this will be all over.”

I gave him a smile as he pulled away but I couldn't tell him he was wrong, that it would never be this easy and we were missing a few key pieces. “Maybe.”

He smirked, “you’re lying through your teeth.”

“Does that mean you'll call off this insane stakeout?”

Sam glanced at Dean who watched him from the corner of his eye. “We’ll be careful. We won't get too close.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

Sam repositioned the bag, “see you soon.” He kissed the top of my head, walked around me, and left the room. I couldn’t bring myself to watch him go.

Dean’s chest pressed against my back as his arms slipped around my waist. “Hey, everything's going to be okay. We’ve done millions of stakeouts and we’re still here. And this will be no different, you know how I know?”

I leaned back into him, “how?”

“Because we’ve still got makeup sex coming our way and the universe is not that cruel.” He kissed my neck and I turned in his arms.

“I don't think the magic of makeup works like that.”

“Of course, it does.” I quirked my right brow and he smirked, “give me this one. The whole something to live for.”

“Shut up and kiss me, you giant dork.”

He wiggled his eyebrows, “you better believe it.”

His lips were warm and soft and while the kiss had all the things that usually swirled when we said goodbye for now, it was also tinged with our anxiety. He wasn't convinced it wasn't a trap and maybe that was a good thing. He pulled back, his hand brushed over my cheek one last time before he took a step back to extricate himself.

“Come back to me.”

He grinned as he grabbed his gun and tucked it in his waistband, “always.” He walked to the door and I followed him. He stepped into the hall and turned around, “when you get there, just don't get too close, okay?”

I gripped the door frame, “get outta my head.”

He met my lips in a sweet kiss, “never.” Then he turned and jogged down the hall.

I closed the door and leaned against it for a moment to catch my breath. Dean got that same feeling, that I should be there and I had nothing to go against it. I pushed off the door with a renewed purpose.

I threw off Dean's shirt and pulled fresh clothes from my bag. I dressed in between typing the address into Sam’s preferred search engine. I sat down and studied the map that came up, memorizing the streets around the warehouse then searched for any information on the building itself.

My phone buzzed on the table and I jerked in my seat. I forced out a breath, shaking off the adrenaline rush. I picked up the phone checking the time and caller, “Pamela, am I happy to hear your voice.”

“We’re not anywhere near Chicago, what's going on?”

“Daevas.”

“Wow. You seem to be finding a lot of old magic recently. What's got you so tied up in knots?”

“You don't think we started…”

“Honey, old magic is always around, most just don't know it. We didn't start anything, we only fought ancient fire with ancient fire. Now spill.”

“I think the demon is trying to draw them out. We bumped into this girl today that Sam met when he split up with us a few weeks ago. Weird by itself but… I felt this… like locked up feeling. Like a caged animal or something and I heard this muffled scream. Not like it was happening right then but recently, relatively, the muffling just....”

“When was this? Are you still with her?”

A vibration in her voice amped up my own anxiety. “A couple of hours ago. Sam followed her to this warehouse and overheard her talking into a goblet of blood about something coming to meet her so they went to stake it out but I didn’t want them to go. Sam didn’t think it was a coincidence either but they just have this…”

“Y/n! Y/n! Damn honey, listen. Do NOT follow her. You hear me? That girl is trapped.”

“What?”

“She’s been jumped by a demon. You still have your necklace on, right?”

“Yes.”

“Tell those idiots to stay away from her. If this demon has any ties to the one that tried to kill Jess…”

“Then it is trying to draw them out.”

“Probably John. She could’ve killed the three of you already.”

My stomach dropped, “they left twenty minutes ago.”

“Do you know where they are?”

“Yes.”

“Call John, tell him he can’t show up no matter what he hears. He’s probably already guessed but just in case.”

“Pam…”

“You can go there if you want but do not go inside, do you hear me? Those boys can figure something out.”

“And if they don’t?”

“They’re too important to them as leverage over John.”

“Are you sure or are you just trying to keep…”

“Stay. Out.”

“Okay.”

“Call me back. I’m going to see what I can find out.”

“Pamela, wait. How is she?”

“I don't know why you don't text each other. You could easily just make up a name…”

“That would create more questions.”

She sighed, “she’s worried about you as usual.” I rubbed the inside of my forearm as Pamela continued, “seriously, stay out. I don't need to kill those boys. I don't need that on my conscience.” She was trying to cool me down but it wasn't working. “Be careful, honey. You keep your head and you three will be fine.”

The line clicked and I shut my phone with Dean’s words replaying in my head, when you get there, just don't get too close, okay?

I shut the laptop and strode over to the night stand, got my gun from the top drawer and tucked it into my waistband. I pulled my jacket on and left the room as I pressed my phone to my ear. I knew John wouldn't answer but he would hear my message. He must be getting closer so he probably did know this was a trap but desperate animals were the worst and John knew that better than anyone.

~~

I settled in the shadow of a building a block away from the warehouse Sam had followed Meg to. The urge to move closer was painful but Pamela’s voice in my head kept me where I was and it wasn't the first time.

I had been staring at the building for twenty minutes now and I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for. The seven-story warehouse was the tallest building in this neighborhood and that never boded well when dealing with any kind of supernatural creature. Sam said her set up was on the top floor and I was trying not to think about any scenario that ended in a swan-dive from one of the three windows. Funny thing about trying not to think about something, a tendency I believe followed us from childhood, it becomes the only thing we can focus on.

I stepped out of the shadow and walked across the street seeking shelter in the next squat building. It was only to keep the blood flowing in my legs or at least, that was my excuse to get just a little closer.

I stopped at the corner closest to the warehouse when a familiar tickle in the back of my mind distracted me. I scanned the area but didn’t see anyone, the area was still and quiet. I pressed myself against the building hoping the darkness kept me covered from whatever was around that I couldn’t see. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the feeling and where it was originating but a loud scream shattered the quiet.

I opened my eyes and someone was crashing to the ground. I turned away and winced at the resounding thump and accompanying cracks. I looked back and Meg Masters was sprawled like a broken doll in the street. I turned my gaze to the broken window fighting the urge to rush into the warehouse once again. Everything had gone still again as I prayed for them to show themselves, to show me they were alright. Come on, guys. Come on.

They stepped up to the window looking down and I finally took a breath. I looked both ways before running across the street and Dean was gone from the window when I looked back. Sam pointed down and to the right and I spotted the door he was pointing out. The I told you so could wait, we needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

~~

Once we got in the car, Sam had given a quick rundown of what happened and finished with ‘you were right’. I didn’t reply, there was no need when they were both still obviously licking their wounds and it wasn’t something I cared to rub in their faces. Dean parked in the back alley and we climbed out of the car. Sam hefted the bag over his shoulder and we took the back entrance to the motel.

We made it up a set of stairs and stepped out of the stairwell. Sam had been preoccupied even before he rambled off the events from the warehouse but when we made it into the hall, he finally voiced the quiet thought in his head. “Meg said our dad was in town.”

I glanced at him, “demons lie.”

They both looked at me with mixtures of shock and confusion, “what?”

“I heard back from Pamela while you were gone. The thing I felt about Meg that I couldn’t understand was demon possession. The scream I heard in my head was the real Meg Masters. The girl that was probably put out of her misery after that fall.”

Dean winced, “shit.”

“And I told your dad not to come. Pamela said if anything they were going after him because she could've killed us.”

Dean took my hand and pulled me down the hall, “let’s get the rest of our stuff and get the hell out of here.”

I glanced back at Sam and he nodded, his hand unconsciously touching the strap on his shoulder and I wondered if he even realized how on edge he still was. That tickle came back when Dean opened the door and maybe Sam had the right idea. Dean pulled me inside then froze. “Hey!”

I grabbed Dean’s arm as we both stared at the silhouette in front of the window.  “What are you doing here? I told you not to come.”

John turned around and smiled, “I couldn't take the chance that something could happen to you three.” He met my gaze, “when I saw you on the corner..” He nodded, “I shoulda known you three would have it covered.” John glanced between Dean and Sam, “hey boys.”

I let go of Dean’s hand and he walked to his father. They hugged and I took a step back and grabbed Sam’s hand with a squeeze. We walked together over to Dean and John.

“Sorry, dad.”

“It's okay, it's tried to stop me before.”

Sam let go of my hand and set the bag down in between us, “the demon was involved.”

John smiled at Sam then looked at me, “it knows I'm close. It knows I'm gonna kill it.” I glanced at Dean and pinched my lips as I found his hand and he intertwined our fingers. “Not just exorcise it or send it back to hell but actually kill it.”

“How?”

I could feel john’s gaze on me and I glanced up at him. My own voice whispered in my head, The unknown colt trio.

“I'm working on that.”

Sam and Dean's conflicting emotions pressed against me on both sides and Sam begged to be a part of the fight. John’s heavy responsibility thickened the air around us. “This demon is a scary sonofabitch. I don't want you caught in the crossfire, I don't want you hurt.”

“You don't have to worry about us.”

I grabbed Sam’s hand hoping to calm him before his emotions got any louder.

“Of course I do, I'm your father.” I dropped my head and John’s rough fingers curled under my chin lifting it. “You too, kiddo. Why do you think…” he smiled with too much sadness in his eyes. Guilt waved through me. Guilt that had to do with Dean and I. I glanced at Dean and John nodded.

What will you regret when they're gone? The words rushed through my mind so fast I couldn't even grasp the speaker and Sam's confusion and frustration were jabbing me likes needles. Dean pulled me to his chest and Sam released my hand.

John talked to Sam, trying to apologize for the past that stood between them like a brick wall. I tried to grab that voice again, identify the speaker and figure out who it came from but it was gone and Dean’s arms tightened around me. Just breathe, I’ve got you. Dean’s whisper bloomed with a soothing warmth that settled some of the frazzled noise.

The surge of energies around me only heightened our connection and a hideous buzzing started at the back of my head. A cold sensation crawled up my back and I felt Dean’s gaze meet his father’s the same time that icy pressure latched onto the nape of my neck. Dean’s hand cupped the back of my neck and harsh whispers of a distant language filled my head.

Dean called me back, “Y/n?”

I snapped my eyes open and caught John’s confused gaze, “no!” I reached out for him but he was thrown away.

Dean wrapped his arm around my waist plastering me to his chest as Sam went down. “Don't let go.”

A searing pain lashed my back and we went flying through the air. We tumbled as we hit the ground and dean landed on top of me. He was searching my face when I saw the shadow shaped like claws fall across his forehead. “Dean!” I grabbed his shoulder but his head whipped back and his body was ripped from my grasp. “No!”

He landed on his back and I scrambled over to him, climbing on him to cover as much of his upper body as I could. I grabbed his face and pleaded with him to open his eyes. “Dean! Please look at me. Come on, don't let go remember?!”

He sucked in a breath and wide eyes stared into mine. I smashed my lips onto his closing my eyes and praying for the thing to happen, the bond to save us, but no words were coming to me and I couldn't remember them. Nothing was happening except our pain and desperation searing back and forth.

I pulled back and looked over at Sam. He was kneeling beside the bag, I thought there might be something in there but Sam was a step ahead, his hand in the bag then he was screaming something. I saw the flare and bent over Dean covering his face.

The room exploded with unnatural light and Dean pushed me to my feet. He got up and grabbed my hand then called out for his dad while inching his way in his general direction. We found John and pulled him to the door and out into the hall.

Sam was behind us and pressed his hand to my back reassuring and pushing us forward. Once we got to the stairs, Dean took most of John’s weight and I stepped back, Sam automatically wrapping his arm around my lower back and we took the stairs two at a time with Sam practically carrying me.

We finally made it to the car and Dean’s panic morphed into resignation. Sam tried to shove John into the back seat but Dean stopped him and argued a fair point that John should leave without us. Sam fought it but he felt it too, he just didn't want to admit it not even to himself. Too many times of being left out as a kid, the abandonment swirled viciously and the vengeance for Jess burst like a volcano. My head throbbed but a seething burn in my back started to edge out the other noise.

Dean touched my shoulder and turned me to face him while Sam begged John. Dean’s concern flowed through me and I shook my head. “You're just as bad.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me against him or I moved there, sometimes I wasn't really sure who was moving towards who. His arm throbbed as well as his face and ribs. He tucked my head under his chin and breathed me in as I did the same with him.

The one thing that could comfort us in the craziest, scariest, most insane of moments was the beat of a heart and the scent of the one constant, the one we never wanted to be without. It was almost like lying down in my own bed with freshly laundered sheets after a long, exhausting day. There was no where else I’d rather be and his strong arms holding me just made it better.

“This fight is just starting.” John’s voice was commanding without the old drill sergeant tone. Dean and I looked his way and he glanced at us, “we all have a part to play. Your brother’s right and she knows it. You do too, Sammy. You gotta trust me. You gotta let me go.”

I touched Sam’s back and he finally resigned himself to the truth. Sam stepped back and took my hand. John looked at the three of us. “Take care of each other.” His gaze met mine and I wanted to ask about his spotlight comment but I just couldn't do it. He needed to go, we needed to go.

He walked around us and gave us one last look before disappearing into another alley. Dean opened the door and helped me inside but once I leaned back against the seat I realized just how bad my back was.

“You need to lay down in back.” I gazed into his eyes knowing he was right but I didn't want to leave his side. “We’re right here. Nothing’s going to happen while we're in baby.” He held out his hand and helped me into the back. He kissed my forehead before I laid down on my stomach. “We’re okay.” He was saying it more for himself but it was something we all needed to hear.

Dean revved the engine and spun away from the curb. Sam had the small first aid kit and leaned over the seat. “I think you're going to have to trash that jacket.”

“Damn it, could you just give me some good news?”

Sam smirked, “well, at least they didn't touch your face.”

I chuckled, “true. You asshats look like Siegfried and Roy after a bad night.”

Dean snapped, “hey, that poor tiger couldn't control itself. It had rabies.”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” Sam did his best to clean the wounds as much as he could without hurting me from his position.

It wasn't easy, I could feel his strain leaning over the seat, but all I could picture was another car slamming into us and Sam getting ripped in half or worse. I grabbed his wrist, “that's good but you're freaking me out. If we get in an accident…” I looked up at him, “it's good enough for now. Thank you.”

He pulled out the bottle of pain reliever and shook two out. “Take these.”

I popped them in my mouth and winced, trying to dry swallow. Sam handed me a water bottle from who knew where but I accepted it and took a few quick swallows. I handed it back ignoring the shake in my arm, “thanks, Pumpkin.”

Sam turned around in his seat and slid down. “I'm letting that slide because you look like shit.”

“Hey now, mop top,” Dean barked.

“My sweet, sweet pumpkin.”

Sam chuckled, “I think she's in shock.”

The laughter started quietly even silently for Dean until we were all laughing so hard it hurt. Dean’s ribs, Sam’s side, and my back and yet we couldn’t stop. That quickly the energy in the car had changed. I closed my eyes grateful for the one thing no demon could take away from us, our connection. It was the one thing that pulled us, sometimes kicking and screaming, through the worst times but we always made it to the other side together. That would always be our greatest strength and I hoped it would be the one thing that brought us out of this whole damn clusterfuck alive.

Eight

@duchessofwinchester , @jodyri , @jencharlan , @deanssweetheart23 @torn-and-frayed , @chrisatplay , @mogaruke , @captainemwinchester , @ashrod98 , @mrswhozeewhatsis , @purgatoan , @caitsymichelle13  , @escabell

[ahrorha]

Flame of Winter

Hello everyone,

A side note. I know I haven't mentioned before, that the red lyrium infestation as a reason why Solas has turned against the Evanuris and created the Veil. At the time I started with this story, I hadn't thought about it that much. But after doing more research and seeing the small teasers we have gotten, it will be a significant part in the hopefully next Dragon Age instalment. So I have decided to incorporate it into the story. Thanx for all your loves. I feel honoured, so many are still reading this. All of you stay safe and healthy.

Chapter 27

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.

It took Ryan and the rest of the Inner Circle four days to reach Skyhold again. Their journey took longer because some of their mounts were lost. They had fled or were killed as the mountain rained down on them. That and the destruction Corypheus had caused, made getting off the mountain safely more difficult and slower. The harts were among the animals that were missing, and Eirlana sat now on the massive horse of Iron Bull, while he walked beside her.

He kept a close eye on her, he needed to make sure she wouldn't also disappear suddenly. The Qun had sent new orders to him through the secret channels not monitored by Leliana. The Qun now saw both Solas and Eirlana as a person of great interest. Apparently, Solas had been identified as being responsible that Corypheus got his hands on the orb. Something Iron Bull had a hard time to comprehend. He was relieved that that thing got destroyed, after seeing it performing magical feats that shouldn't be possible. He also had this gut feeling that told him things would have gone more to crap if Solas would have gained that orb, but he couldn't be sure.

For now, his orders were to stay put and play nice with the Inquisitor and keep a close eye on Eirlana. Not only had she a close connection to Solas, but she was also the only one that ever had recovered from a red lyrium infection. And hers had been massive, she should have died from it, not miraculously be cured.

Iron Bull caught Dorian's worried glance as he pulled up and rode next to them. With practised ease, Iron Bull returned it. Not that it was purely faked, he was worried how the things would develop further, and he also was worried about Eirlana. She had grown quieter as the days went by and was often staring blankly in the distance. Her world had shattered with the disappearance of Solas and judging by Ryan's and Vivienne's suspicious looks her world was about to change even more and not for the better. With the new Divine being Cassandra, although it wasn't officially announced yet, the South would try to bring things back in their concept of order. Which meant the return of the Circles of Magi and the Templar Order.

With the current suspicions of Eirlana having made a pact with a demon, chances were high that they would stick her into a Circle as soon as possible. Making his job more difficult, and it would also hinder the Qun's intention to have easy access to her. Not only was there the possibility Solas would contact her, but they also could use her as leverage or try to find a 'cure' against the red lyrium.

Hmmm, Iron Bull thought. Maybe should have a chat with the Inquisitor about keeping Eirlana within the Inquisition. Ryan was, after all, a templar and who would be best suited to keep an eye on her. With Ryan's ego growing ever more, it would be easy to convince him.

.

It was a relief when they finally reached Skyhold, where they received a warm welcome. Everyone was overjoyed by Corypheus' defeat, and they were jubilating their safe return. The people were all smiles and cheering when they walked through the gates of the fortress. Especially Ryan was received as a great hero.

All this exuberance washed past Eirlana. She didn't want to celebrate, she just wanted to disappear. Solas' disappearance had left her shattered from the inside, and his parting words kept haunting her... 'Farewell, ma lath. I will never forget you.'

In disbelief of what had happened, she stood still in the stables. Solas had vanished without leaving a trail she could follow. He had gone and left her behind, he had abandoned her. Her heart was broken, and her mind felt fuzzy and numb as she watched the others being happy and celebrating.

She had spent the last days tracing the Veil in hopes to detect any trace of Solas' magic. In her sleep she called for him, she had searched the Fade, visiting every place she could think of. She had asked her spirit friends if they had seen him, but it hadn't brought her anything. He was simply gone. She even tried to reach his dreams, but it hadn't worked. How she wished Solas had thought her that skill than she could see him or at least get a chance to talk to him...

Someone patted her on her arm. Varric looked worried at her. “Can I do anything for you, Snowflake?”

Feeling immensely sad, she slowly shook her head. Leaving Varric behind she slipped through the crowds as Skyhold erupted in festivities. She needed to be somewhere alone.

.

Cullen hastened over the catwalk towards the party Josephine had arranged. On her insistence, he had changed into his formal jacket, though he still brought his fur coat. Looking at the sky, he would need it later when he would return to his quarters. The weather was turning foul as a late spring-storm was gathering over the valley. Not that it would bother the celebrations that were held all through Skyhold. Cullen could already hear the singing and loud cheers coming from the Herald's Rest. He sighed, given the choice he would rather be there with his men than at the stuffy official gathering. Inside the great hall, he grabbed a glass of wine and reluctantly mingled with the many guests.

It felt unreal to him that it finally was over. On his way back to Skyhold, he had watched in horror as the Breach opened again. He and a small company of men had ridden for days, to reach Skyhold as fast as possible, so he could help in the endeavour to find Corypheus again. It now felt somewhat pointless that he had spent all that time in the saddle, only to arrive at the fortress and find out that the Inquisitor had already left. Now it felt slightly awkward to receive al the congratulations. He hadn't done anything.

Looking up, Cullen caught a glimpse of Eirlana walking along the balcony where Vivienne usually could be found. She glanced down at the feast but kept walking in the direction of the library. Before he could take a step to follow her, he was cut off by Ryan, who started a conversation with him. Soon others joined in, and he saw no opportunity to politely excuse himself. When he looked up again, she was long gone. He could understand she wasn't in the mood for a party with Solas' disappearance. He promised himself he would visit her tomorrow and hear her side of the story. He had only gotten the quick debriefing from Ryan about what happened, and Ryan's orders to have people looking for the elf.

.

It was way past midnight when Cullen found himself standing alone at the fireplace Varric usually occupied. His head throbbed from listening for hours to the idle chitchat of the nobles, who apparently took great pleasure in making him flustered. His cheeks were burning from the many times they succeeded in making him blush.

He scanned the room and noticed that several people, like Sera and Varric, had already left. Or what was more likely had changed their party location to the Herald's rest.

With nobody bothering him, he took the opportunity to slip away. Tomorrow would be another day loaded with work. Now they had defeated Corypheus, chances were high that people would approach the Inquisition with all kinds of matters to resolve. It wouldn't surprise him if a mountain of letters awaited him tomorrow.

Quickly he went through the rotunda and opened the door to the catwalk leading to his tower. The wind immediately tugged at his mantle and heavy rain splashed in his face. It was a mixture of rain and snowy sludge, a last spurt of winter trying to hang on. Above him, lighting flashed to the sky. Cullen pulled his fur collar up and hastened towards his tower, slightly slipping through the wet puddles that had gathered.

Out of habit, his eyes scanned the courtyard and the walls. Out of the Herald's Rest, warm light shone, and music and laughter could be heard over the clatter of the rain and the rumbling thunder. The party there was clearly far from over. The walls and courtyard were however abandoned. Cullen shook his head, he couldn't fault the guards for leaving their duty tonight with everyone celebrating. His men would have a hard time on the training yards tomorrow, but maybe they had earned a day of rest after their victory.

He almost had reached his tower when another strike of lightning lit the sky. Out of the corner of this eye, he spotted something white. He halted and tensed his eyes that struggled to see in the dark until there was another flash of lightning.

“Oh, no!”

Cullen hurried through his office and out of the other door again. He ran through the next tower towards the battlements next to the stables, and found Eirlana sitting against the wall. She had curled herself into a ball, hugging her knees. She was soaking wet from the rain, and her body was shaking while she cried.

“Maker!” Cullen scolded himself. Why had he stayed so long at the feast? She must have come here after he had seen her and that was hours ago.

Kneeling down, he gently brushed her wet hair to the side so he could see her face.

“Eirlana, come. You can't stay here like this.” His heart clenched when she looked up at him, her eyes red from all the crying. She looked heartbroken.

“It is my fault.” she said softly.

Cullen stared at her puzzled “What is your fault?”

“It is my fault he left.”

Silently Cullen flung curses in Solas' direction. Why had he left her like this?

The rain was beating down on them, and he was getting drenched quickly. Wanting to get her out of the storm, he pulled off his cloak and draped it around her shivering body. Then he scooped her up and hurried back to get her to her room.

.

Back in his office, Cullen halted. The door to the rotunda was now open, and he could see the shadows of guests moving around. The festivities had spread through the castle. It would only get more tongues wagging if he carried Eirlana through the guests like this.

“Blast it!” he muttered.

Without hesitation, he lifted her up his ladder. Complying like a doll, she climbed onto his rafter, and he hurried after her. For a moment, he was thankful that Josephine had gone behind his back and used the time he was in the Arbor Wilds to have his roof fixed. Now at least he could let Eirlana rest in a leakage-free room.

He rummaged through his clothing chest and pulled out towels and a clean shirt.

“Here, get out of those wet clothes and change into this. You are freezing.”

Without saying anything, she took them. She looked exhausted and numb. Cullen couldn't imagine how dreadful she must feel after having first lost her child, and now her lover was missing. Grabbing some dry clothes for himself, he hurried back down the ladder to give her some privacy.

He quickly stripped off his soaked dress uniform and changed. Carefully he hung his uniform to dry, hoping they wouldn't be ruined. He had no desire to be poked by another Orlesian tailor anytime soon.

Looking up to the rafter, he sighed. He grabbed a glass from his desk and went to his bookshelf. From behind his tome of 'Basic Tactical Field Training' by Ser Gaston de Montfort, he pulled out a bottle of Antivan Brandy. Pouring a decent amount into his glass, he quickly drank it. He needed to calm himself.

“Maker. I am not prepared for this.” he mumbled.

He had managed to get Eirlana inside, but he had no idea what he should do now. Should he talk to her? Or should he leave her alone? He shook his head, he was at a loss in these kinds of situations. He was a Commander, a soldier. He was good at making tactical decisions, giving advise, directing troops. Those were the things he was comfortable with. True, he considered her a friend, but this was far from the casual conversation or chess game he usually had with her. He was sure that Dorian or Varric would know what to do, and for a moment, he contemplated if he should go and get one of them.

He shook his head again.

No... She was his friend, and she needed him now.

.

Grabbing a clean glass, Cullen took the bottle of brandy and climbed back up to his rafter. To his relief, Eirlana had finished changing into his shirt, that swallowed her much smaller frame. She sat on his bed, staring in front of her with a blank expression on her face. She looked so lost and broken.

“Here, drink this. It will warm you.” he poured her a glass.

She coughed after she took a mouthful, the brandy burning down her throat.

She kept staring blankly in front of her. “It is my fault.” she spoke softly. “I drove him away.”

Cullen knelt in front of her so he could catch her eyes. “It is not your fault.” he wrapped his hands around hers that held onto the glass. “He will come back. It is not like he hasn't disappeared before.”

She looked at him desperately and shook her head. “Not like this.”

Tears pearled out of her eyes and rolled down her cheek. “He won't come back.”

Seeing her cry, Cullen moved to sit down beside her and took her in his arms. “Sssshhh, it will be alright. We will find him.”

Feeling how cold she was, he grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around her. He gently rubbed her back as she cried against his chest. He had no idea what he should say so he kept mumbling that it would be alright and that she shouldn't worry. Slowly she calmed down. After a while, he coaxed her farther onto his bed.

Covering her with another blanket, he said. “Try to get some sleep. Don't worry. Tomorrow we will come up with a plan to look for him.”

Down in his office again, Cullen poured another glass of brandy. With a sigh, he sat down in his desk chair. He could understand why Solas would leave the Inquisition now Corypheus was defeated. Solas had never seen eye to eye with the Inquisitor or the decisions he took. What Cullen couldn't understand was, why in the world, he would leave Eirlana behind. Especially now, after they had lost their child.

He drank from his glass and thought back at their relationship. They had been inseparable since their arrival at Haven. He had witnessed how protective Solas was over her from the start. He had seen how they fell in love, and he had always thought that they were happy, that they belonged together.

And now...

“Solas, you IDIOT!” he grumbled and emptied his glass. Pushing his chair back, he put his feet on his desk and closed his eyes. He couldn't wait until he found Solas and give him a stern talking-to.

.

As a wolf, Solas travelled through the night. Like a ghost, he slipped through the trees of the Emerald Graves. Jumping across a stream, he startled a group of August Rams. Afraid that he was hunting them, they quickly ran away. He looked up at the sky. In a couple of hours, the sun would rise again. Looking around, he found a nice place to lie down and get some sleep. A slight breeze ruffled his black fur, bringing with it the scent of herbs and spring flowers. Smelling the familiar notes, he whipped his head around, expecting for Eirlana to be there. But only the forest surrounded him.

It had been four days since he had left the Inquisition and not a moment had passed without him thinking of her and how he had abandoned her. Before he closed his eyes, he set up some wards to protect his dreams. Not that she ever had entered his dream, but he needed to be careful. Every night he heard her desperate calls for him in the Fade, and he couldn't risk for her to find him accidentally.

He felt his bond tugging at him, screaming that he should go back to her. He could feel her pain, her sorrow, and although he was hurting her now, he knew it was for the better. Her grief would lessen with time, and she would be safe and live her life freely without his burden. He needed to walk his path alone; still, he would never forget her. She would always remain a part of him, in his memory and his soul.

Solas' heart cringed as a new wave of intense grief washed over him. Eirlana's initial panic had lessened as the days went by, and now her emotions were overflowing with the loss she felt. Feeling her pain intensified his own, and it was rattling his decision and resolve. He had to fight against his own instincts to not return to her. It was a cowardly act to leave her in such a way, but deep in his heart, he knew it had to be done.

He thought back at the Temple of Mythal at how close she was coming to his fate, and he couldn't allow that. His fate was his alone. And he wouldn't wish this path on an enemy, much less to the one he loved. No, he had to walk this path in solitude forever.

It was better she would forget him and move on with her life. To find happiness without him.

He needed to focus, there was much work to do. With his orb now destroyed, he needed to plan anew for a solution. He needed to restore the world and with it, save the elven people.

The time Solas had spent with the Inquisition had reaffirmed how blind and narrow-minded this world was. The humans were bashing forward like barbarians, tranquil to the possibilities of this world. Brutalising and oppressing that what they couldn't understand or those who they saw as lesser beings. The Qunari were even worse, having created a system of slavery, condemning everyone that didn't fit their agenda. Brainwashing people until they couldn't think any longer for themselves or turn them into mindless labourers. Only the dwarves hadn't changed much over the centuries, they were still stubborn and focussed on the riches of the earth.

What had changed though, was his view of the existing elves. It had drastically improved over the past months. In talking and spending time with his agents, the servants and scouts he had seen promising sparks of hope. Not all that his people once were was lost. He was especially surprised about Eirlana, her existence made him question what he thought he knew about the current elves. Before, he would have torn this broken world down to its foundation and start anew, without a second thought. Now he was hesitant. If he could, he wanted to find a way to save as many of the elves living now.

He knew reverting the world back to the way it once was, wouldn't bring back all that was lost. Also, many would die during the process of merging the Fade and the waking world back together. It would most likely take years of chaos before everything would be back in balance. But to accomplish that he needed a new source of power to revert his spell. And he was running out of time, the barrier he created to stop the Evanuris and their corruption was failing. The Veil had weakened considerably over the centuries and wouldn't hold much longer. At the same time, it hadn't prevented the spread of the corruption of the Void. Like the Evanuris before them, mankind had brought it back into the world by foolishly seeking out greatness far beyond their reach. During their foolish attempt to breach the Veil, they had brought back the corruption of the Void, and it had taken the shape of the Blights. And now it wasn't solely the Blights that was threatening the world. Thanks to Corypheus and the red templars efforts, the red lyrium that once was contained had spread. And it was infecting everything like a cancerous growth.

No, his plans had failed, and if he didn't do anything, the world would be destroyed once again despite his efforts. He had failed the People, and they had paid the price for his failure. He needed to try and rectify that. Even if it meant he had to become the monster once again, who would destroy whole civilisations. And to become that monster, he needed to forget the dream Eirlana had created. A dream of a happy life.

A tear trickled down into his fur, he needed to forget and focus on what was to come.

.

With a groan Cullen woke up in the morning, his back was stiff after having slept in his chair. Groaning loudly, he stretched until he heard a satisfying pop. He yawned and scratched his jaw that was covered with a layer of stubbles. He needed to shave.

Looking up to his rafter, he sighed. Not wanting to wake Eirlana, he silently climbed up the ladder. She lay curled up in his blankets and was fast asleep. It was strange to see her sleeping in his bed. Suddenly he felt a burst of butterflies flying through his stomach, quickly he averted his eyes as the longing he had suppressed for so long resurfaced again. Shaking his head, he took his shaving kit and hair wax. He needed to change into his armor and get back to work.

Having washed himself, he strapped on his armor. As always it was comforting to wear his uniform, it somehow gave him the feeling he could face anything the day would bring.

He had just finished when a messenger arrived, informing him the Inquisitor was expecting him at the war-council. Quickly Cullen gathered his latest reports and stepped outside.

Skyhold was unusually quiet this morning, most people were still asleep after yesterdays festivities. In the great hall, the servants were busy cleaning up. Walking to Josephine's office, Cullen spotted the elven woman that serviced Eirlana and Solas.

What was her name again? Mary, Daisy, Rose... “Rosie?”

The elf looked up and hurried towards him. “Sir.” she curtsied.

“I need you to bring a fresh set of clothes for Eirlana to my office.”

“Sir?” she looked suspiciously at him.

His cheeks flushed, this situation quickly turned awkward. “Please, just do as I ask.”

Rosie nodded and hurried off. Cullen rubbed his neck and hoped that the rumours wouldn't get out of hand.

.

“Good morning, Commander.” Josephine welcomed him at the war-council, while Leliana and Ryan simply acknowledged his presence by nodding. On the war table lay the broken orb that Ryan had recovered after Corypheus' defeat.

“Is there any sign of Solas yet?” Ryan started.

“No.” Leliana answered. “There has been one report of my agents, who have seen him heading to the west, but he disappeared before they could even attempt to approach him. He has evaded my people so easily and so completely that I am forced to wonder how much he knew about them.”

“There has to be more to this. He was acting strangely after that thing shattered.” Ryan pointed to the orb.

“Doesn't Eirlana know anything?” Josephine asked.

“I asked her briefly before the festivities yesterday.” Leliana said. “She claims she knows nothing about his location or intention.”

“How could she not know?” Ryan frowned. “They were together all the time. On our way back, she didn't say much either.”

“It is strange.” Leliana agreed. “Though she seemed distraught about his disappearance. As of yet, we haven't found anything unusual in their quarters or the rotunda. But sifting through their written documents will take some time. What is more troubling is that Eirlana disappeared last night.”

Ryan looked abruptly at her. “What? And you're only telling me this now. How?”

“The templars assigned to her, joined the festivities last night.”

Ryan cursed. “She could already be with him right now. Solas knows more about this thing, I am sure of it. Who knows what they had planned to do with it if I hadn't destroyed it.”

“She hasn't disappeared.” Cullen said sternly, he was getting agitated about this whole situation. Although he wasn't sure about Solas' motives, he knew Eirlana, and she didn't deserve this level of mistrust after all she had done. “If you need to know, she is fast asleep in my quarters.”

They all looked at him surprised, even Leliana raised an eyebrow.

“I found her yesterday night on the battlements.” he continued. “She was distraught and lost. I thought it better she wouldn't be alone.”

“Has she said anything to you?” Leliana asked.

“Nothing. I also want to remind all here what she has done for the Inquisition. I disagree with these suspicions towards her.”

“Commander, you know this Imshael tried to possess her.” Ryan said. “For all we know, he succeeded. She is not Circle trained and was a slave in Tevinter. The chances are high, she wasn't able to resist what Imshael tried to do. Do not forget she has mysteriously recovered from a red lyrium infestation that should have killed her. And now her lover disappears right after we have defeated Corypheus. This can't be a coincidence.”

“She has displayed no abnormal behaviour.” Cullen countered. “I was a templar, I know from experience that possessed people change. A demon can only mimic so much of their previous life.”

“Whatever the case.” Leliana interrupted them. “We have to question her again about Solas' whereabouts. Now we have seen what the orb could do, I wonder what else this ancient elven artefact could be used for. According to the Inquisitor's description, it was far more than simply a device to channel magical energy. We don't know what else Solas knew about it, and what he would have done if it still was functional.”

“If you insist, I can bring Eirlana here after this meeting.” Cullen said.

“Excellent.” Josephine scribbled on her document. “I will be happy to lend my office for that conversation. Next, we have a letter from Emperor Gaspard, congratulating us with our victory. He is on his way back to Val Royeaux and has invited us to attend the grand ball at the Winter Palace to celebrate our victory and honour the Inquisition. It will be held in a month, so we have little time to prepare ourselves.”

.

Eirlana woke up, and for a moment, she was confused about where she was. Then she remembered last night, how they arrived at Skyhold and how everyone was cheering and rejoicing Corypheus' defeat. Their emotions clashed with her own, and she had quickly retreated herself to her quarters. There her own feelings of loss and sadness had only intensified. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of Solas. His crumbled up tunic lay on their spare bed, the books and papers that lay on his worktable, the bottle of spiced wine he loved to drink. His scent that lingered in their shared bed and in the cushion she grabbed.

Lost and suppressing her tears, she looked around, desperately wanting to find anything that could tell her where he went. She walked to his worktable and noticed that some of his things had gone. A couple of notebooks had disappeared, the scroll he feverishly had worked on to translate was missing.

Did he pack them?

She remembered he had carried his pack into battle, and a realisation struck her. He had planned to leave after their defeat of Corypheus. She looked at her table, and all her things lay undisturbed. Only a few healing supplies were missing. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She had hoped it was the shock of losing the orb that made him leave, but it wasn’t. He never had the intention to come back here, and judging by what was left, he never intended to take her with him.

As the realisation dawned on her, Leliana entered her room. She had some brief questions about Solas that she couldn’t answer. It was, after all, the truth she didn’t know where he had gone.

After that, she had fled from her room and went to the battlements until Cullen had found her. She had been inconsolable, even doubting her relationship with Solas. She couldn't understand why he just left, especially after the loss of their child. There was also their unfinished conversation that haunted her. Maybe she shouldn't have told him she knew.

Eirlana looked around, she must have fallen asleep in Cullen's bed after Cullen had brought her here. She wrapped herself more into the blanket and stared blankly in front of her. Solas' parting words rang in her mind. Deep in her heart, she knew he wasn't coming back. He had decided that whatever his plans were, they didn't involve her. He had failed to salvage the foci, his foci she now realised. It was Solas' foci Corypheus got his hands on, the foci of Fen'Harel. That had been his goal when they had travelled to the Conclave all those months ago.

Now she questioned everything that had happened, everything he ever did and said.

It had been a coincidence that they had met. Solas was already on the mission to retrieve his foci when he attacked her captors. That is why he left her behind after he had freed her. In fact, he had tried several times to leave her. She had not been part of his plan. She had been a disturbance, something that would hinder him, slow him down. Now she wondered if the time they had spent together was even genuine or was it just a form of amusement to him, something to pass the time.

She shook her head. “Farewell, ma lath. I will never forget you.”

No. Their love was real. She had to believe that. Otherwise...

But why?

Why had he left her behind?

Why did he abandon her after all they had shared? Was it because she knew who he was?

Or was he planning something where she couldn't follow? After all, he was Fen'Harel, one of the Evanuris and she was just...

All she knew for certain was that he wasn't coming back. She could feel it deep in her heart. He had gone, and whatever his plans, they didn't include her.

“Why have you left?” she whispered to herself. “Please, come back to me vhenan. Please come back...”

She didn't understand. Why leave her. Were his smiles, soft touches, gentle hugs and kisses all lies?

She curled together into a ball. It hurt. She felt abandoned and cast aside.

.

The door to Cullen's office opened.

“Eirlana?”

Cullen came up the ladder with one of her dresses in his hand. Eirlana sat on his bed, curled into a ball and was sobbing silently. He quickly sat next to her and rubbed her back.

She hadn't even noticed she was crying again. Sniffing, she wiped her tears away and sat up. She saw how Cullen looked at her pitiful and could only imagine how she looked at the moment.

“How are you feeling?” he smiled gently at her.

She shrugged her shoulders dismissively, but he could see she was devastated. She hadn't rested well. Her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen from all the crying, and she had dark circles under them.

He gave her her clothes. “Here. Rosie brought this for you.” and turned around so she could change.

He fumbled with his gloves as he heard the rustling of cloth behind him.

“I am sorry that I have to ask this, but how well did you know Solas?”

Eirlana froze. Cullen's question washed over her like ice-cold water. What did he mean? Of course, she knew Solas. He was very loving and caring, intelligent, a well of knowledge, protective, funny, focussed. He was also very untidy, she always needed to put his things away. He could work for hours on end, often she needed to remind him to get some rest. He snuggled against her when they read. He loved to cuddle. They could walk the Fade for hours, talking with spirits and exploring long lost memories. He had a sweet tooth and liked to drink spiced wine. He smelled of parchment, vanilla and magic. His hands were often spotted with paint. He loved to argue about magical theory and the course of history. He enjoyed chess and well-written poetry and was secretly a fan of Varric's books. Of course, she knew him. How could anyone question that?

Because he is Fen'Harel, one of the ancient Evanuris and had his own goal by joining the Inquisition, she answered in her head.

“Eirlana?” Cullen carefully turned around.

“What do you mean? I don't understand.” she stared at him in shock, fighting against her tears.

She looked so confused and lost that he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms. He hated himself about what he had to do.

“They are asking questions about his motives for joining the Inquisition and also your motives.”

Her eyes hardened as she looked at him. “I know the man I love has disappeared and I don't know why? And what motives? We both joined to help to close the massive hole in the Veil that threatened to destroy and swallow everything.”

Culled sighed, she had every right to be upset. “Ryan and Leliana want to talk to you about his disappearance.”

She nodded and fastened her sash. “I understand. I just want to go back to my room first and freshen up.”

.

Cullen escorted her to her quarters. As they walked through the rotunda, Eirlana noticed someone had gathered all the papers and books from Solas' desk. It should have warned her for what she found next.

She opened the door to her chamber and froze. The entire room was in disarray, her herbs and materials had been tossed together, their bookshelves had been emptied, only a couple of papers and books lay scattered on the floor. The clothing chests had been overturned, and the beds were stripped and pulled from the walls. Her teapot lay shattered on the ground, and even the fireplace had been searched. Ashes were spread all over the floor. They had taken the room apart.

In shock, Cullen stared at the mess. “I am sorry. I didn't expect... .”

Eirlana knelt down, picking up the wooden comb she had gotten from Solas so many months ago. Someone had stepped on it, and it had broken in two. Her eyes burned from the tears that threatened to fall.

“Maker. I knew Leliana had this place searched but... .”

With the comb clamped in her hands, she stood up. “Take me to them.”

Cullen could see she was holding back her tears. “Are you sure? If you need some time...”

Not looking at him, she lay the comb on her table. A strange calmness was spreading through her. She knew what she needed to do. Squaring her shoulders, she looked him in the eyes. “I am.”

Following Cullen, she readied herself to face Ryan's and Leliana's scrutiny. She was furious. Furious at Solas for leaving her, angry at the distrust towards her, upset that they had destroyed Solas' first gift to her. She let her anger, her pain, her grief and outrage armor her. They wouldn't discover anything from her, she would protect Solas, even when he had abandoned her.

.

Moments later, Eirlana stood before Ryan and Leliana in Josephine's office. Josephine was also present, as always with her clipboard in hand to write down anything of importance. Cullen stood a little to the side, and although he was her friend, she needed to be careful with what she would say, especially because he knew her the best of all who were present.

“Do you know where Solas is?” Ryan started.

“No, I don't.” her voice trembled slightly from her emotions.

“Why not?” Leliana asked. “You two were always together.”

“I don't know.” she shook her head softly and looked at her feet. “He never said anything about leaving. We...”

“Why did you both approach the Inquisition at Haven?” Leliana interrupted her.

Eirlana eyes hardened. “We came to help.”

“Why?”

“There was a massive hole in the Veil in case you didn't notice.” Eirlana answered. She was getting angrier with each question Leliana fired at her. “It threatened to rip both this world and the Fade apart. Demons were pouring into this world, attacking everything blindly. Of course, we wanted to help. And we did. For the past months, we helped and fought at your side.” She glared at Ryan, who kept looking at her suspiciously. As if she was a stranger, and not his ally, who he had helped to free out of Imshael's claws not two months ago.

Leliana studied her for a moment. “What do you know about where he is from.”

Puzzled Eirlana looked back at her. “I don't understand.”

“What has he told you where he was born?”

“A small village in the North. I believe it is close to the Tevinter border. He told me there wasn't much worth mentioning. It was just a small village surrounded by woods and mountains. He lived there with his parents until they died. He left to travel, to explore old ruins and places of conflict. To dream there and explore the Fade.”

“That village doesn't exist.” Leliana cut in.

She was clearly trying to get a reaction from her. “What do you mean it doesn't exist?” Confused Eirlana stared at her, and then to the others in the room. Ryan glared at her with his arms crossed.

“The village is abandoned.” Leliana said.

Eirlana knew she was lying, the village was an ancient ruin. But she didn't believe Solas had lied about the village. He had a connection with those ruins, and she wished she could go back there and look for the memories.

“Maybe it got abandoned after he left?”

“No.” Leliana watched her closely. “It is an old ruin, there was never a village.”

Eirlana shook her head slightly. “Why would he lie about that?” Tears escaped her eyes. “He wouldn't lie to me. He wouldn't...”

“If he wouldn't lie, why would he abandon you?” Leliana interrupted her sharply.

“Leliana!” Cullen exclaimed outraged.

Leliana silenced him with a glare.

“He didn't!” Eirlana yelled back at her.

“Why is he gone than and you are still here?”

“I don't know! I... I don't know why he left.” she cried.

“I don't believe you.”

“I don't care what you believe me.” Eirlana snapped back furious.

“Where is Solas!?” Leliana asked again.

“I don't know. And if I knew where he was, I wouldn't be here.”

“So you intend to leave the Inquisition also.”

“I wasn't, but I am very tempted now!” she yelled, her cheeks flushed and wet from the tears. She noticed Ryan had laid his hand on his sword and was observing her. “If you are that worried a demon will pop out of me, you better call for my guards.” she snapped at him.

“Those templars are for your own protection.” Ryan proclaimed. “After the incident with Imshael chances are high, you harbour a demon inside of you.”

“Trust me.” she glared at him. “If I would have made a pact with that demon, I would have done so before my child died.”

Josephine gasped. “You were pregnant?”

“I was.” Eirlana's voice started to tremble again. “She didn't survive the red lyrium growing inside of me.”

Leliana glanced at Cullen, who looked at his feet. “You knew.”

“I did.” Cullen automatically stood in attendance, his back straight and his hand resting on his sword. “Solas told me before we left for the Arbor Wilds. He asked to keep it a secret and let them mourn in peace.”

“Has he told you anything else?”

“No, nothing I haven't reported on.”

Eirlana was sick of all the questions, she wanted to leave. “Are we done? Or do you have more questions?”

Leliana studied her. “That was all for the moment.”

Not wanting to be a moment longer with them Eirlana stormed out of the room.

“And?” Ryan looked at Leliana.

“Her emotions appear to be genuine. I don't believe she knows where Solas is, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he will contact her. We should watch her closely.”

“Agreed. For now, let your scouts keep an eye out for Solas.”

“Of course Inquisitor.”

.

Fuming Eirlana quickly ran towards her room. Her emotions were raw; first Solas disappeared, and now the place she had called home was crumbling around her. She was angry, angry from the interrogation and their suspicions but most of all she was furious with Solas for leaving her here. She entered her room and stared at the mess around her. Suddenly she felt defeated and drained.

What should she do now?

She wanted to find Solas but didn't even know where she should begin to look. Not that Ryan or Leliana would allow her to leave at the moment. She felt helpless, there was no one who she could turn to or share her fears and thoughts. Soon her friends would also leave to resume their lives from before. Not that she could tell them the truth. She sighed, who would even believe her that it was Fen'Harel who had left her.

No, she was alone.

Someone knocked softly at her door, a moment later, Rosie came inside. “I am so sorry, Miss.”

Eirlana let Rosie hug her, and that simple gesture made her cry again.

“Miss, it will be alright. You get through this.” Rosie held her until she calmed down.

“Come Miss.” she watched Eirlana wipe away her tears. “Let's get this mess cleaned up.”

Rosie started to sweep up the ashes, muttering several dark curses towards those who had done this. Eirlana huffed a forced laugh listening to the foul words coming from the usually upbeat elven woman. She picked up the books and papers that were scattered onto the ground. She noticed the majority of her and Solas' work was missing. Taken by Leliana's men, no doubt. Not that they would find anything in them, Solas was too careful. He had even fooled her. If it wasn't for the memory she had witnessed in the Fade, she would be even more at a loss.

With the floor clean, they together moved the beds and mattresses back into their place. Then they started to fold the clothes and put all their things back into the chests.

During their work, Rosie kept glancing at Eirlana. She was worried about her.

“I will bring you something to eat, Miss.” she said after they had finally finished.

Carrying a bucket filled with ashes and the broken teapot, Rosie left the room. Outside her path was blocked by two templars who had taken post. It took all of her practice to not glare at them as she walked past them. She didn't care what the rumours said, she knew Eirlana didn't deserve this. Most of all, she was angry at Solas.

For months it had been her job to report everything she observed to him, and he had treated her always politely and with respect. She knew he was crucial for the cause, and she would continue doing her part, but she didn't agree with him abandoning Eirlana. She also didn't understand why he had never recruited her in the first place. Eirlana had as much reason as any to help and work towards a better life for the elves.

Even when Solas had his reasons, she didn't agree with him on this matter, and she would give him her opinion in her next report. For now, she would do her best and try to take care of Eirlana, and not only because that was her new assignment. When she returned half an hour later carrying a tray with a new teapot, a bowl of stew and fresh bread, she found Eirlana asleep on the bed. Not wanting to wake her, she set the tray aside and carefully pulled a blanket over her. Silently she left the room again, hoping that things wouldn't get any more complicated.

.

In her dreams, Eirlana wandered through the remains of Skyhold. For hours she searched for any sign that would connect this place with Solas. He must have had a reason why he asked her if she had seen him at Skyhold. But she found nothing except destruction, both intentionally and by some catastrophe. The only thing connecting him to Tarasyl'an Te'las were the several statues of Fen'Harel, but there was nothing else connecting the Dread Wolf to this place.

What remained weird and unusual, was the state of the Fade itself and the lack of spirits. It didn't matter how hard she tried; she couldn't go farther back in time to explore this place before it was destroyed. It remained its shape of destruction and decay.

Suddenly she was pulled from the Fade. Puzzled she looked around, it was already night, and she wondered what had awoken her. Something didn't feel right. Then she noticed it, a wave of strange magic was washing over her. Shaking her head, she concentrated and cleared her mind from it with a mind blast.

Wanting to know what was going on, she carefully opened her door. Her templar guards sat slumped over against the wall, they appeared to be in a deep sleep. Alarmed, she looked around, the guards on the walls also were unconscious. What had happened?

A faint blueish light in the garden below her caught her attention. It came from the room where the eluvian stood. 'Solas!' she immediately thought.

Quickly she jumped over the railing onto the canopy and lowered herself into the garden. She hurried towards the room and stopped when she saw Morrigan standing before the activated eluvian.

“Morrigan?” she stepped closer, but Morrigan didn't react to her presence.

Something emerged from the eluvian, a small ball of energy that slipped into Morrigan. The eluvian deactivated, and the room was thrown into darkness.

Eirlana almost jumped out of her skin when a single candle suddenly flared up. Morrigan turned around and looked at her. A soft smile spread across her lips, that Eirlana had never seen from the witch before. Cautiously she took a step back, something was off. It was not Morrigan who was watching her, someone or something else was behind those eyes. Her whole demeanour had changed, somehow she looked older and more cunning than before. For a few seconds, Eirlana concentrated on Morrigan's magic, it had also changed. It was now a beautiful mixture of two colours that were twisting together. Whatever had slipped into the witch hadn't taken over but was merging with her.

.

“Well, well, what have we here?” Morrigan stepped closer, studying her with great interest. “One of the People. So young and bright.”

“Who are you? And what are you doing in Morrigan's body?”

“I see.” Morrigan seemed amused by her question. “Eyes wide open, don't close them or they will be shut.” She studied her for a moment before she continued. “I am Morrigan, I am part of her as she is part of me.” She smiled. “At the moment, she is a little annoyed about our new arrangement, but she will learn soon enough.” she walked past her out the door. “But I must take my leave now, there is much to do.”

“Wait!” Eirlana ran after her. “Do you know where I can find him?” It was a question out of desperation. Hoping that whatever had used the eluvian was somehow connected with Solas.

Morrigan turned back, looking sorrowful at her. “You have my sympathies. He is not an easy man to love. You may have caught the wolf's heart, but what will you do with your catch?” she turned to the side, muttering to herself. “Does faith take another chance?” Her eyes snapped back to Eirlana. “Remember, choices open many paths, but it is up to you which one to follow.”

Her hand glowed, and a small amulet appeared in Eirlana's hand. “Some paths are behind closed doors, you will need the right key to open one.”

Eirlana stared at the amulet in her hand, it was a small statue of Mythal. When she looked up again, Morrigan had disappeared as well as the eluvian behind her.

“Mythal.” she whispered. . The following evening Eirlana sat on her bed, her fingers stroked the wolf amulet Solas had given her. Hidden under her clothes was the one of Mythal. Was it really Mythal that had merged with Morrigan? Had she spoken with another one of the Evanuris? Just how many more would resurface, she wondered.

She was worried about Mythal's remark that there was much to do. What were the Evanuris planning? And what would that mean for the world that she lived in? Knowing some of the history of the Evanuris, she knew it would shake the foundations of the world as it was known today. It would have an impact on everyone's lives, and it was questionable if it would be for the better. She sighed, not that there was anything she could do about it now. She needed more information and discover what those ancient beings had in store.

She sighed again, it had been a somewhat amusing day despite her heartache. It was satisfying to see Ryan being upset with someone else for a change. He was outraged about the disappearance of Morrigan, her son, the eluvian and with them the secrets of Well of Sorrows. No one could explain how a mother and a giant mirror could leave the fortress undetected. Eirlana was relieved she hadn't had much contact with Morrigan, or she would have faced even more distrust and be questioned again. But it was bothersome that it didn't help her own situation.

Another apostate had disappeared, and she knew that Ryan wouldn't let a third one escape his watch. Now more than ever, her movements would be monitored and scrutinised. It made her uncertain about what she planned to do next.

She took the bottle of lyrium lying next to her in her hands. It was about the same amount the Venatori had given her. She felt nervous, although she had done this countless times before, it was the first time she was contemplating to drink it willingly. It would enable her to dive deep into the Fade and hopefully find Solas, or at least more information about him.

She knew Solas didn't want her to find him, and knowing him, he had taken some precautions to block her. But what he couldn't hide from her were the memories within the Fade. Taking the lyrium would be risky, she had no control over when she would wake up again. Chances were high; someone would find her and report it to Ryan, and she could already imagine his reaction.

Eirlana could feel Mythal's amulet against her skin. She hadn't found anything special with it, but maybe it would aid her. She knew it was a key to a closed door, and she hoped it would uncover something within the Fade. Determined she uncorked the bottle of lyrium and drank it. Lying down, she felt her mind slipping, diving into the Fade. Holding onto both amulets, she concentrated on Solas, her memories of him and the things she knew.

.

The Fade shifted around Eirlana, it turned into a courtyard of a small temple. At first, she didn't know where she was, but then she recognised the guardian spirit approaching her. She was at the temple where she first met Solas.

“Atish'all vallem, Fen'Harel elathadra. Nuvenas mana helanin, dirth bellasa ma.” the spirit welcomed her as before.

“Ar-melana dirthavaren. Revas vir-anaris.” she answered him.

“Amae lethalas.” the spirit replied and continued his watch.

She shook her head, the irony of the situation didn't escape her. What were the odds that she first met Solas at one of his own temples? She looked around. It wasn't the place she had hoped her will would guide her, but now she was here she was curious what Solas had wanted here.

She walked inside the temple, and at first glance, there was nothing special here. It was a small shrine honouring Fen'Harel. A couple of wisps zoomed towards her. She smiled when they circled playfully around her. She was thankful that the spirits she had met in her childhood had thought her how to interact with them. She sated their curiosity with slivers of her mana and her emotions.

“Do you know if there is anything interesting to find here?” she asked them after a while.

One of the wisps began to hum but didn't attempt to guide her anywhere.

“I am looking for an old memory of what has happened here?”

The wisp began to hum louder and pulsed excitedly.

“Could you show me?”

Both wisps flew away, chasing one another. She followed them into the temple towards a big statue of Fen'Harel. As she approached it, it slid to the side, revealing a passage underneath. Trailing the wisps deeper underground Eirlana soon realised that there was a whole complex under this temple. They guided her through winding passages until they came in a dark circular room filled with vague shapes of bookcases. Most of them were deformed and broken, a representation of how the place looked like in the waking world. Others were pristine and resonated with a soft hum of magic. A single spirit hovered around the room.

Curious what this room once was Eirlana reached out to the spirit, hoping it would share a memory it held. Slowly the room around her changed. Bookshelves turned themselves back upright, scrolls, books and tomes filled them. The room lit up by magical lanterns and several elves hurried in and out of the room, carrying more books and scrolls. Other elves were organising them into the bookcases or putting them into chests. A sense of urgency permeated the room. An older elven man seemed to be in charge, although he didn't look old she could tell he had lived for ages. He was the centre of this memory, and Eirlana got a sense of faithfulness and duty from the spirit. Soon the other elves disappeared, having finished their task. Only the older man remained. He began to set up protective wards around some of the shelves and books.

“This is the last one.”

Eirlana whipped around when she heard Solas' voice, but what she saw was Fen'Harel coming into the room. He was clad in shiny silver-golden armor. A fur cape from a black wolf hung over his shoulders, its head acting as a hood. His long dark brown dreads were pulled back, revealing his shaved sides. He looked tired and troubled, he was carrying a book that the older elf took.

“We will protect these with our lives Lord Fen'Harel.”

“I hope it will not come to that, my friend.”

“We will do our part, my Lord.”

Solas sighed and looked around. “Most of our people have retreated to the mountain sanctuary. I will return to Tarasyl'an Te'las to begin preparations.” He grabbed the elf's left shoulder. “Be well, and hope that I will succeed.”

“Our thoughts and hopes are with you, my Lord.” The elf bowed as Solas left the room.

The memory shifted, Eirlana was outside the temple again. She didn't know how much time had passed. The elven man and a few other elves were on their knees, their hands bound on their backs. Many of them had been beaten and were wounded. A group of armed elves surrounded them, their faces marked by the vallaslin of several Evanuris. She recognised those of Andruil, Falon'Din and Elgar'nan. Something was strange about their behaviour, although the armed group had clearly the upper hand, they looked nervous, almost frightened. Several of them kept looking at the sky as if they were afraid of something that they saw. She didn't know what it was that had them unsettled for the sky wasn't part of this memory. When she looked up, she saw only the Fade. Screams were coming from inside of the temple, there was fighting and people were dying. Two armed elves dragged another elf outside before cutting him down.

One of the elves came running towards the group where she stood. He saluted one of the armed elves, who had to be the leader of this group.“Sir, we have searched the temple. There is no sign of Fen'Harel.”

“Then, we move on.” The leader answered. “We will find him and end his cursed existence.”

“What do we do with the prisoners?”

“They will follow their master's faith. Kill them! Cursed be Fen'Harel for all the ages to come.”

The last thing Eirlana saw, was how the bound elves were being cut down. The older elf died by a sword pierced through his chest.

.

“Good morning, Miss. I have brought you breakfast.” Rosie entered Eirlana's room, carrying a tray. “They had some lovely freshly baked pastry this morning, and I snitched a couple for you.”

She looked up when Eirlana didn't answer. “Miss?”

Eirlana lay still on her bed and didn't stir. It looked like she was asleep, but Rosie got an eerie feeling. She set her tray down on the table and hastened towards her.

“Miss?” she shook her, but Eirlana didn't react at all. Startled Rosie looked around, but there was nothing unusual to be seen. That was until her feet bumped against the empty bottle next to the bed. Carefully she picked it up and smelled it. Her eyes went wide when she recognised the lyrium it once contained. Although she didn't possess any magic herself, she had learned a lot since she had joined the cause. Immediately she looked back at the door knowing that at the other side stood the templars. She knew Eirlana would be in a world of trouble if they would discover her like this. She needed to get help quickly.

Taking a deep breath, Rosie left the room. “Right away, Miss.” she said over her shoulder as she closed the door.

As if nothing happened, she walked past the templars and went in search of the only person she could think of that could help. She did her best to remain calm, she was simply a servant sent on an errand. At first, she walked to the library, but it was still empty this early in the morning. Quickly she made her way to the guest rooms and knocked on a door. When no one answered, she knocked again, more urgently.

A disgruntled Dorian opened it when she was about to knock a third time. “What is it?” he snapped. “Did that bastard summon me for some heart-warming goodbyes?”

Rosie looked to the left and right. When she saw no one else nearby, she whispered. “Can I come inside, Sir?”

Puzzled, he stared at her.

“It is urgent, Sir.”

Dorian stepped aside and let her enter. “What is this about?”

“Miss Eirlana is in trouble, she has taken this.” she pulled out the empty bottle from under her apron. “She won't wake up. I know she trusts you. Please, do you know how we can wake her? The templars haven't noticed anything yet, but I am afraid it won't go well if they do.”

Dorian was immediately serious. “If she is in a deep trance, it will take a while for her to wake up naturally. I could try to snap her out of it, but it will likely draw some unwanted attention.” he stroked his moustache as he thought. “We will need a distraction. I can ask Iron Bull to help.”

Heeding the warnings she got about the Qunari, Rosie shook her head. “That won't be necessary, Sir. We will arrange that.” she moved to the door. “Give us a few minutes, and we will be ready.”

“We?” Dorian asked, but she had already left his room.

Not wanting to waste too much time Dorian got himself ready. He checked himself in the mirror, making sure he was his usual radiant self. Armed with a stack of books, he made his way to Eirlana's room.

“Good morning, gentlemen.” he greeted the templars who stood on watch. He walked calmly towards them and wondered what the elven servant had planned.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and a shriek sounded out of Vivienne's room. The door burst open, and two elven servants stumbled outside coughing violently. A thick cloud of yellowish smoke followed them. Something was burning inside Vivienne's room, and magical sparks crackled through the air.

“You INCOMPETENT fools!” Vivienne screamed from inside.

Alerted by the wild magical effects, both templars immediately ran towards the chaos.

One of the elves began to gag, while the other ran back inside. “Let me help, my Lady.”

Another crash sounded followed by more apologies from the servant.

.

As amusing as the whole situation was, Dorian waited not a second and entered Eirlana's room.

“Eirlana, how are you doing this morning? I got the books you asked for.” he said cheerfully.

After he closed the door, he quickly went to her and sighed. “Girl, what have you done?”

He checked her pulse and was relieved that her heart rate and breathing seemed normal, but he could feel the humming of the lyrium within her. Although it wasn't as strong as he feared, he could tell, she would be out of it for another couple of hours. Another crash from outside startled him. He looked over his shoulder to the door, afraid the templars would come and check on them. He needed to act quickly.

He spotted her washing bowl filled with water and cooled it down until it almost froze. Taking a couple of washing cloths, he drenched them in the ice-cold water.

“You won't like this,” he sighed. “but this is your own fault.”

He draped two soaking wet cloths around her neck, and her body shivered from the cold. Good, that was a start. He filled a cup of freezing water and poured it slowly onto her face. She shivered again but didn't seem to wake up. There was another crash outside, Dorian knew he was running out of time.

“Sorry.” he mumbled and pressed his hand over her mouth and squeezed her nose tight, so she couldn't breathe any longer. He felt terrible to be doing this, but he knew that her survival instincts would cut in and pull her out of the Fade. Time went by agonising slow as he kept the pressure steady and listening for any noise from outside, warning him if the templars would return. Suddenly Eirlana's body spasmed, and she arched her back, trying to get air.

Immediately Dorian removed his hand and was relieved that she opened her eyes, gasping for air. Her eyes were moving rapidly and were unfocused, but he knew she was almost out of the Fade.

“There you are. Come on, wake up.” He retook a cold cloth and pushed it onto her wrist.

“Dorian?” she gasped and started to shiver from the cold water. Being violently pulled out of her trance, she struggled to understand what was going on. Her mind wasn't clear yet.

“What...?” she closed her eyes again.

“Eh, eh! We have no time. Sit up.” he shook her awake and pulled her up. He pressed the cold cloth against her face. Eirlana blinked a few times, slowly the world was becoming more clear. With her finally sitting on her own, Dorian threw the washing cloths back into the bowl and grabbed a towel. Quickly he dried her face and draped one of her shawls around her. Grabbing his books and the breakfast tray, he sat down beside her and put a cup of tea into her hands.

“Now drink up.” he helped her lift the cup to her mouth. “What were you thinking? Don't scare me like that.”

She swallowed the tea and coughed. “I...”

“I know you think you know the Fade, but this is ludicrous. I don't care what you and that Solas were doing at night, but you can't endanger yourself like that. I know you are looking for answers, but this is not the way.”

The fog of the Fade slowly cleared from Eirlana's mind. She knew Dorian had a point, and although she had discovered more about Solas' past, she was no step closer to finding him.

“I am sorry.” she said.

He huffed. “Don't be sorry. Just... just be careful. I have too few people that I can call a friend already. So don't do anything reckless otherwise our dear Inquisitor will do more than having those watchdogs sticking to you.”

As if he had summoned them, the door opened, and one of the templars looked inside.

Dorian took one of the pastries and took a bite. “I can't believe you get these!” he hummed. “I had to suffer through some horrible porridge. These are divine!” he looked at the templar. “Has the situation been cleared?”

“What happened?” Eirlana asked, not knowing what Dorian was talking about.

“There was an accident in Madame de Fer's quarters. It has been resolved.”

“Is anyone injured?”

“No.” the templar answered curtly and closed the door again.

Puzzled Eirlana looked at Dorian.

“Apparently, you have some loyal friends among the servants.” he said. “You're maid fetched me after she found you and some other elves caused a ruckus in Vivienne's room.”

“Rosie went to get you?”

“Yes, and trust me if it had been somebody else that had found you, you would be in far more trouble. Now eat something and get dressed. You will have to spend the day with me as thanks for my selfless act.”