#THE INHERENT EROTICISM OF KILLING IN THE NAME OF YOUR GOD

[selfshippinglover]

So I started talking with a HABIT bot....

And now we're at

[tentacledwizard]

3 and 37 for ask game if you please :)

(rubs hands together gleefully) you asked about movies. this is my moment. Hold on to your hats, it’s Tentacledwizard Rant Hour.

3 films I could watch for the rest of my life and not get bored of:

FACE/OFF, dir. John Woo. 1997, rated R for faces being taken off, killing and murder, John Travolta licking his fake daughter’s face, pretty much everything you can think of that’s R-rated. Starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta.

 So, I was told I shouldn’t watch this movie because it was “boring” and “terrible.” ok, dad. sure. It proved to be neither! As soon as I finished it I wanted to rewatch it just to observe the nuances in Nick Cage’s acting. And John Travolta’s, but Cage is who I’m really here for. He plays this unhinged, flamboyant villain, then does a complete 180 (body swap, sorta) and plays a straight-laced FBI man PREVIOUSLY played by John Travolta (who, you guessed it, now plays the flamboyant villain).

The acting. The ACTING augh I could analyze it for hours. I’m not even good at analyzing facial expressions and stuff (it is the tism) but the acting skill in this movie made me even more of a Nicolas Cage fan. The sheer range of emotions that wash over his face during a fight scene in a prison. god DAAAAMN. He plays two men in one movie- one who’s just batshit insane and reveling in it, and another who feels like he’s become the former in more ways than just physical.  

 FBI Man finds himself melting into this persona he’s playing, and he feels perversely drawn towards the villain’s lifestyle. He’s wearing the face of the guy who killed his child, and he’s starting to enjoy it. Meanwhile John Travolta walks around wearing the face and mannerisms of a straight-laced FBI man, and his ascent to power is scary to watch. It’s (rolls around on floor screaming) it’s so good. I haven’t seen A LOT of movies so if you asked me this question in a couple months, my answers here would probably change. However, Face/Off is not moving off this list. 

There’s even a funky little evil man who stole scenes from Cage himself. He plays the villain’s brother, Pollux (name sounds like Sollux, and he  points out the inherent eroticism of salmon in documentaries). Something about his line delivery has made me deeply obsessed with him. He and his brother are messed up and evil but they care about each other almost codependently. It’s fascinating to me. Also for some reason the scene where Nick Cage talks about his first date with his wife makes me cry. One second I’m thinking about the scientific inaccuracies inherent in the movie’s plot, and the next I’m looking at Cage’s sad face through a layer of saline. Curse you, sentimentality.

So, yeah, Face/Off is incredibly good. Certainly not perfect, but super fun. Also this is the 90s and all the stunts are entirely practical, which is super sick. The two golden guns are iconic and almost certainly inspired Jake English’s strife specibus, lmao. And… Nick Cage! Yeah I think that’s enough Face/Off thoughts I can put here before this becomes an entire longpost. (checks Face/Off google results) HOLD ON NOW there’s going to be a Face/Off 2? Or is this just a rumor? Woah. I will have to google this.

National Treasure, dir. John Turteltaub. 2004. Rated PG-13 for guns and a mildly suggestive scene because of course they had to put a blonde lady in a mildly suggestive scene, and British people. Stars Nicolas Cage, Justin Bartha, and Diane Kruger. 

Yeah ok at this point this is like my default movie. Should I be ashamed for enjoying this? Nuh uh. Life is too short to be ashamed for enjoying a silly action movie. Im killing cringe culture with two golden guns. In other news I have seen this movie eight times, and talked about it to anyone who’d listen. Here is a full review of it that I wrote. When I missed out on a trip to Washington DC, I watched this to really immerse myself in the setting. When my mom and I wanted to watch a film, I put this on and she said “phallus” every time the Washington Monument was onscreen because she’s fun like that. When my best friend whom I love dearly came over, the first thing I did was put on National Treasure. It’s kept me grounded and also gives me a good chuckle at some of the goofier scenes. This movie is a…

It’s a…

The joke is low-hanging fruit, but yeah, it’s a national treasure. This is admittedly Cage at his most mainstream. He’s an action movie hero guy, but in a PG-13 movie made by Disney. When asked about a possible National Treasure 3 in interviews, Cage seems kinda annoyed. I mean hey, I would be too. His acting in this film doesn’t seem like something he’s personally interested in, although he does a good job. However, I think his character’s parallels with Nick Cage’s real life are pretty interesting, especially because the director knew Cage since highschool. More on that later.

Where Face/Off’s selling point was “Nick Cage and John Travolta swap faces,” this one’s is “Nicolas Cage steals the Declaration of Independence.” And then a bunch of other stuff happens, but that one sequence is the best in the entire movie. The parallels and differences between two teams’ methods of stealing the Declaration really got to me. After that, there’s a bunch of adventuring… making leaps in logic… puzzles… what’s not to love! :D I will say that the main character is somewhat casually misogynistic in this film, which makes me grimace every time. He does learn his lesson in the second movie (though he remains pretty static, which frustrates me because there was an OBVIOUS CHANCE for character growth there… hmm maybe I will review nat treasure 2 sometime).

Something I forgot to mention in my full review is that Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel are in this movie, which is quite the slay. However, this means that I ended up thinking of Jon Voight as a Good Guy the next movie I saw him in (Mission Impossible). Uh. so apparently Jon Voight plays a lot of villains. As for Harvey Keitel, he plays an FBI Man. (looks at “Harvey Keitel movies” page) OH SHIT he’s in THAT MANY iconic movies?? That’s awesome. He’s a cool guy!

Ok, let me talk about Jon Turteltaub. So Nick Cage and Jon Turteltaub went to the same high school, and they both wanted the lead role in Our Town. (Trust me on this, I’ve read like three Nicolas Cage biographies.) Turteltaub got the lead role, whereas Cage got the role of Constable Warren. According to this interview, Turteltaub never let him live it down. Ouch. So after that, Cage couldn’t stand Our Town. and then after THAT, Jon Turteltaub went on to direct the National Treasure movies. Guess who stars in National Treasure! Yeah, that’s an anecdote that is just really funny to me. They also collaborated on Sorcerer's Apprentice, which I have yet to see. Nick Cage plays a sorcerer, hells yeah. Now according to Turteltaub, “there’s a lot more Nic in [the sorcerer] than in [the main character of National Treasure].” Yup, that’s pretty much what I thought. (shakes head) Nick Cage movies, amirite? If you really want a lot more National Treasure thoughts, check out my review! Yeah ok that’s enough shilling for myself, ha ha. This is a cool movie and you can watch it whenever, with whoever. Probably. P.S. everyone is at their most autistic swag in this movie. But especially Riley Poole, played by Justin Bartha. I adore him. 

3. Anger Management dir. Peter Segal. 2003. Somehow rated PG-13 despite the constant sex jokes. Starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson.

Ha ha, PSYCHE. i absolutely hate this movie

3. Employee of the Month dir. Greg Coolidge. 2006. Rated PG-13 for retail working and reference to Vince Downey [Dax Shepard] seducing women in various places around a Costco. Stars Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson, and Dax Shepard.

I really like this movie. What more can I say? It’s a low-budget rom-com from 2006, and the director did not need to go that hard with the gay subtext. But he did! And I am forever grateful. (checks time) it’s getting kind of late, so let me direct you to my super hype review that I wrote a while ago. The reason I wouldn’t get bored of watching this movie is the sometimes batshit, beautiful turns the plot takes. Bam, this rom-com is now randomly a sports movie for a few minutes. Now Vince and his sidekick Jorge are breaking into the main character’s house to make him late for work. I don’t really know how to explain, I just love that kind of thing in a movie. It’s unpredictable and fun in kind of a stupid way. 

Also, Jorge and Vince are the emotional core of the movie. Their relationship is messy, but it’s even more sweet and heartfelt than the actual main romance of the story. It’s the romantic B-plot. If Employee of the Month were an Alternian movie, Karkat would go into a huge rant about its portrayal of moirallegiance through Vinzce and… Jorgay (lmao). Pretty similar to what I did in my previous review. If you realllyyyy wanna read a scene-by-scene breakdown of their relationship, check that one out! Actually that one is just me having emotions about them. “OMG THEY HUGGED.” u kno. that sort of thing lmao. @creatcher made some fanart of them kissing yey :D

So, yes, Vince and Jorge are amazing, and Jorge is especially amazing. Can’t wait to see Napoleon Dynamite (his actor plays Pedro in that one). There’s a lot to be said about the character Efren Ramirez plays here, but I doubt I have the expertise to really do a critical analysis. also this is still a low-budget romcom about retail workers. OH yeah also the plot is really funny- the romance turns out to have very little by way of stakes, so it’s actually Zack (played by Dane Cook) competing against Vince for employee of the month. That’s the core conflict of the movie. Well, one of them. They’re literally jousting in a costco like “two gay old sailors” (Vince’s words, not mine). This movie portrayed homestuck quadrants before they were even a thing (refer to a shipping chart @cgtg and i did for more clarity). Employee of the Month is unexpectedly great. Obviously none of the movies on my list are perfect- this one includes some racism/ableism from Vince, and I already mentioned the National Treasure misogyny- but they have a lot of redeeming qualities. And i mean a LOT.  they also all have a short guy for me to be obsessed with. So that’s the three movies I picked, and why I’ll never get bored of them. Hmm. I guess it depends on how many times I watch them!

Share a secret: 

 Hmmmm ok this is a tough one. uuuh… ok here goes: My darkest secret is that my crush looks exactly like John Egbert. There’s a real person in real life who looks like John Egbert. One cannot fathom the amount of horror this entails. They even have the same taste in movies. The same SHOES. That’s your secret for the day, tune in for more at 10!

Yep, I wrote a lot of stuff for this ask. It was fun, though. I enjoy ranting about movies. Thanks for the qs!

[aprillikesthings]

YOOOOO IT'S MY WEEKEND and I have eaten dinner and it is time for MORE SHE-RA

yayyyy

OH GOD we're getting into the really good shit btw

if I manage not to do a marathon of these it'll be a gd miracle

Usual reminder: this is a REwatch and there's spoilers ahoy, I make a lot of bad jokes, I reference other cartoons

s4 ep10 fractures

okay before we get started

ahahah

I've given in. I'm gonna cosplay Catra. >_< wish me luck, I'm aiming for some kinda loosely post-canon thing, in part because there's no hiding my age at this point, except via like, photoshop pfft

side note the place I was looking at that makes custom fangs based on dental impressions is usually a month and change out, and the con I want to wear this to is in mid-April. *GROAN*

I have tried the cheap ones they don't stay on D:

OKAY

Dialogue is Double Trouble. Why are you even in the room??

oh it's a truth-telling spell lol

(it didn't work)

LOLOL the disbelief in Double Trouble's voice. "Can she do that?"

oh my GOD (yes it's Double Trouble)

but their Adora looks like Johnny Bravo aaahaha

Double Trouble does blow a raspberry at Shadow Weaver, tho, so they're forgiven

Adora explains the Heart of Etheria Project

Shadow Weaver: oooh we can use this to our advantage Me: okay Boromir but NO

nO

Adora's about to blow a fuse, but I would be, too! Like what part of "the planet could explode" is fucking difficult

Meanwhile, Catra is watching porn video feeds of places the Horde has taken

and thinks she spots someone!!!

(she hasn't, and she makes a sad little face when she realizes)

yeah she's being a bitch but also her deranged little face is great

OR EVERYONE COULD DIE. THERE'S ALSO THAT.

YAYYYY

does anyone else remember the old video "what your fave she-ra ship says about you"? this was made just after s4 actually. anyway I'm remembering it because it includes the line "you just want good things for Scorpia. and really, who wouldn't?"

Daci and I, for a while, couldn't stop quoting the ContraPoints clip used early on to reference "The inherent eroticism of the sea."

"MMmmm yeah. Don't you wanna just...get in there?"

It's a really funny video (I am called out SEVERAL TIMES) and the channel did a bunch of similar videos for other shows.

(also looking at the home page of the channel, she's a she now!!!! HELL YEAH)

Anyway everyone is surprised to see Scorpia :D

And their initial reaction is Not Good D:

the poor thing accidentally stuns Perfuma (...oh god that'S HILARIOUS knowing later stuff)

well that stops Adora in her tracks

back in the Fright Zone, Catra thinks she hears Scorpia's laugh and again is visibly relieved before realizing she's wrong

babygirl you need some rest (and so do your soldiers), you are getting paranoid and hearing things

so what, you're going to torture the rest of the soldiers who haven't left????

(I understand why she does the things she does but I still want to shake some sense into her)

JUST GET SOME GD SLEEP

she tries to call Double Trouble, but they don't answer

I want to give her a hug. But also shake some sense into her.

Another one to add to my "cartoon bondage" collection, as one does. But Perfuma is clearly a little smitten, though: she smiles as she walks away and makes a flower grow in the vines, awwwww

okay oh my GOD okay Scorpia's dialogue is KILLING ME i am CACKLING

"Wow...Yeah, but just-- Shadow Weaver. And at Bright Moon. Everything is making so much sense about why Catra's been acting the way she has."

Adora goes wide-eyed at Catra's name, Shadow Weaver looks at her, and then Adora looks away, pissed off.

like I was saying: SMITTEN

Anyway Scorpia explains why she wants to go find/save Entrapta, who's on Beast Island, and:

bahaha

they relate various stories about the horrors of Beast Island and Shadow Weaver insists they're nicer than the actual place, it's starting to sound like some bad joke about Etheria's version of Australia

I mean also you should go get her because she shouldn't be stuck there but okay

They all decide to go to Beast Island to rescue Entrapta but Glimmer is having NONE of it

Glimmer: "Adora, have you ever heard of anyone coming back from Beast Island? Do you even know where it is?"

I mean, good points, but

aaaugh

Bow: "There's an unstable mass of magic in the middle of the planet. Everyone's at risk unless we can get Entrapta to shut it down."

OKay I'm not typing up the whole damn episode you can read the transcript if you really want to, lol they argue about this for a bit longer, Glimmer even recommends they ask Light Hope how to use it even though that's a terrible idea, Glimmer tries to appeal to Bow but Bow is on Adora's side on this one

oh honey, no

She tries to order Bow and Adora to stay in the castle and not leave

Scorpia's "prison cell" is a very nice spare room. Perfuma brings her a salad and Scorpia doesn't recognize it as food immediately, the poor thing has only ever had ration bars.

Frosta: "It's not a sleepover!!! Perfuma: ":D I'll get pillows, brb!"

But then Frosta asks about her pincers with genuine interest and makes ones for herself out of ice...and Scorpia starts to cry

;_;

;_;

GO. TO. BED. oh my god

I RAN OUT OF IMAGES fhghgh okay gonna reblog

[puckrph]

SHIT MY FRIENDS HAVE SAID: PT 3

‘ cranberry is just a sexual fruit, i’m sorry. ’ ‘ every day i wake up intending to be god’s problem. ’ ‘ sex is a myth perpetuated by heterosexuals. ’ ‘ binders make you a genius because they push all the blood from your boobs up to your brain. ’ ‘ i want to strangle you, but like consensually. ’ ‘ it’s a grim scene here for the queers. ’ ‘ damn straight? no. damn gay. ’ ‘ transhomia is when i’m with my trans homies. ’ ‘ they could literally swap it with radioactive waste, and i wouldn’t notice the difference, except the dewgarita would kill me faster. ’ ‘ i refuse to conceptualize a dog in my mind. ’ ‘ kiss kiss fall into a toxic vat. ’ ‘ fuck normal. i’m gonna be a horse catholic. ’ ‘ WE’VE KISSED? ’ ‘ i’m gonna commit a murder on them. ’ ‘ you wanna be a dog? i’ll put you down. ’ ‘ every gay person has an achilles heel on their back. ’ ‘ I’M NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT FRASIER. ’ ‘ okay i cannot do this at 1:25 PM on a sunday afternoon. ’ ‘ do not accuse me of liking straight people ever again. ’ ‘ he’s barely a monster! he’s like a fucking oscar the grouch gijinka! ’ ‘ if it were not for my anxiety, i would be a whore. ’ ‘ you’re not a cosplayer, you don’t understand. ’ ‘ i’m hiding in my car with my iced coffee like the frightened bisexual that i am. ’ ‘ curse me, daddy. ’ ‘ [singing] my name is doctor god. good morning, how are you, i’m doctor god. i’m interested in things. i’m not a real doctor, but i am a real god, i am an actual god. ’ ‘ i’m gay and an occupational hazard. ’ ‘ once your sex life is narrated like the iliad, you should start asking questions. ’ ‘ i’m here to kick ass and put drunk girls to bed and i’m all out of drunk girls. ’ ‘ okay, shut up... but go off. ’ ‘ every day my best friends in the world decide to deal me psychic damage. ’ ‘ movie review: no camp. no swag. no hoes. the villain didn’t even make me quiver in my seat. ’ ‘ naples is the detroit of italy. ’ ‘ for a bunch of virgins we really do talk about the inherent eroticism of things a lot. ’ ‘ kelsey grammer is a stinky doo doo head. ’ ‘ adhd, or as i like to call it: fast autism. ’ ‘ you’re laughing. god jokerfied his only son and you’re laughing. ’ ‘ my dna is alphabet soup. ’ ‘ i can’t get cake with you, your ass is too flat. ’ ‘ horse eugenics got us into this mess, and they’ll get us out. ’

[softcannoli]

you are the person who got me to watch the untamed and now I am BEGGING you to tell me what guardian is and where I can watch it.. is there time travel because sometimes I see two gifsets that do not seem like they're from the same show

ooohhhhhhhhohohohohohohohoohohhooo ohhhhhhh boy where do i even start

so uhhhhh Guardian is an on-fire trashcan of a show and also the only thing I've been able to think about for like a month. It's based on the novel of the same name by Priest, which I have not yet read but have heard is very good.

I say "based on" bc I have been given to understand that it is a VERY loose adaptation, bc the novel is pretty much entirely about That Gay Shit™, the undead, reincarnation, and literal gods, all of which IIRC are big no-nos under censorship laws. So the show had to get a little creative, and so now it's about aliens? and time travel? sort of? It's weird, but that's okay, because the show is far more interested in the homoerotic subtext, of which there is OODLES.

So basically our two main characters are:

Zhao Yunlan, who is a regular human dude who is in charge of Special Investigations Department, or SID, which is essentially the department of Supernatural Monster Cops, who are responsible for making sure superpowered underground alien people don't come up to the surface and run roughshod over regular humans, and

Shen Wei, a mild-mannered university professor who is Actually Ten Thousand Years Old, and is also secretly a superpowered underground alien person. He knew a dude 10,000 years ago who looks exactly like Zhao Yunlan for unknown (timey-wimey) reasons, and was very obviously in love with him, so when he meets Zhao Yunlan he is IMMEDIATELY lost in the yearning.

There's also a bunch of other people who work under Zhao Yunlan in the SID, and they are all absolutely delightful and have a whole found-family sort of dynamic going on.

Is this a good show? I think if I'm being totally honest I would have to say no? But is terrible in a bunch of truly delightful ways. The CGI is literally shit-tier. Some of the props could not more obviously be made out of craft foam and paper-mache. The quality of the dubbing work is really uneven, and by the last 15 episodes or so they seem to completely give up and some of the lines are dubbed over by someone who is CLEARLY not the same voice are the person speaking. A lot of the writing choices make NO sense, and the plot starts to go completely off the rails somewhere just past the halfway point. (there's also some stuff that is bad in like, a bad way, but I'll talk about that a bit at the end of the post)

The thing about this show is that it's gay. Like GAY gay. Like The Untamed was pretty gay, but I could conceivably see someone cover their ears and shut their eyes to all the gay subtext in that show and convince themselves there's a heterosexual explanation for everything. Not so with Guardian. Like, I really, legitimately cannot fathom even the most willfully ignorant person not picking up on the vibes between Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei. I simply cannot picture it. There is, in fact, NO heterosexual explanation for them.

The show throws in the most flimsy, half-hearted nods to the idea that Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei are just Good Platonic Buddies, and then in the next scene will just drop in a 5-10 minute sequence of Shen Wei taking a sick Zhao Yunlan home, tucking him into bed, staring at his sleeping face with a face full of tenderness and longing, and then cleaning his apartment and folding his laundry for him. It's fucking unreal.

The show was very clearly trying to push the limits of subtext to see exactly how much they could get away with, and as far as I can tell the answer they got was "not that much", bc I've heard some suggestion that the show was pulled shortly after broadcast for another round of edits.

So it's on Viki, but if you don't want to pay for a streaming service and don't mind sliiiightly sketchier subs, it's also on Youtube! It might be some other places too, but those are the ones I know about.

I'm going to stop now bc this post could seriously be like 5 times longer but please watch Guardian and join me in my daily cries about Shen Wei (Zhao Yunlan can come too I guess, but it's mostly about Shen Wei, bc of the inherent eroticism of loyalty and life debts)

Lastly, bc I would be remiss not to mention it, here's some warnings about the worst things I can remember off the top of my head. I personally still think the show was well worth watching, but there's a few things I sort of wish I had known going into it, beyond the vague warning "the ending sucks". It's gonna be spoilers, so read at your own risk.

There's some talk about suicide in the first arc which isn't really that bad in the grand scheme of things, but can come across as dismissive and/or insensitive. There's an arc somewhere in the mid-20s that leans on some really ableist "split-personality" tropes. I will fully admit that the only thing that kept me watching at that point was the knowledge that this would be over in an episode or two, and the fact that the youtube subtitles translated comments about other character's behavior as "cringe", which I found an extremely funny translation choice.

And lastly, the finale. The finale is bad in a number of ways, but the biggest and easiest to explain is that the show goes full Bury Your Gays and kills off both Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan. ( and then another entity takes control of Zhao Yunlan's body?? so the general public doesn't actually know he's dead?? which I found pretty uncomfortable) But like basically my view of the ending is that if something bad happened, No It Didn't. Which seems to be the general opinion, since apparently Priest went back and wrote an extra epilogue chapter to fix the drama's ending.

[doubleca5t]

What Your Favorite Marvel (Avengers) Ship Says About You

HUGE shoutout to @runawaymarbles for helping me put this one together. Couldn’t have done it without you!!

Transcription below the cut

Stucky (Steve/Bucky) - Whenever you see a really long fic tagged “hurt/comfort” your eyes go wide because you know what you’re going to be doing until 3am

Pepperony (Pepper/Tony) - You thought 50 Shades of Grey would have been better if the girl was the dom

Stony (Steve/Tony) - Your ideal relationship dynamic is a bickering married couple

Starmora (Peter Quil/Gamora) - Your ideal relationship dynamic is sitcom wife/sitcom husband

Iron Husbands (Rhodey/Tony) - Your ideal relationships dynamic is that meme that’s like “hoe don’t do it… oh my god” but somehow both partners are the hoe

Clintasha (Clint/Natasha) - You think the avengers movies just haven’t been as good since the first one

FrostIron (Loki/Tony) - You don’t understand the people who think these movies have too many jokes and quips. As far as you’re concerned, they don’t have enough.

Thorki (Loki/Thor) - You were writing supernatural slash BEFORE Castiel was introduced

Science Boyfriends (Bruce/Tony) - You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of doing science

Iron Winter (Tony/Bucky) - You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of wanting to kill each other

Winter Widow (Bucky/Natasha) - You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of shared trauma

Phlint (Phil/Clint) - You are a firm believer in ignoring the main cast in favor of the funny side characters

Steggy (Steve/Peggy) - You just wanted good things for Peggy, and really, who wouldn’t?

IronDad [Yes I know this is the platonic ship name and it should actually be called Starker. I fucked up, okay. Hoobastank voice I’m not a perfect person] (Tony/Peter Paker) - You unironically browse the teacher crush tag on tumblr (FBI OPEN UP!!!)

SamSteve (Sam/Steve) - You think the concept of opposites attract is HIGHLY overrated

Romanogers (Natasha/Steve) - You think the concept of opposites attract cannot be highly rated enough

Scarlet Vision (Wanda/Vision) - You’re always a slut for awkward nerds

Claura (Clint/Laura) - You’re always a slut for retiring to the country to live a quiet life

Fosterson (Jane/Thor) - You’re always a slut for a good romcom

Thunderscience (Thor/Bruce) - You’re also a slut for a good romcom, but your definition of a romcom includes Thor Ragnarok

IronStrange (Tony/Dr. Strange) - I was gonna say this is just the same joke as Steve and Tony but even moreso, but I don’t know if a pairing can qualify for bickering married couple status if they never liked each other in the first place

Winterhawk (Bucky/Clint) - You downloaded the Jeremy Renner app

Shieldshock (Steve/Darcy) - I can’t guarantee that you’ve masturbated to that clip of Steve splitting a piece of wood in half with his bare hands, but it’s a very real possibility

Tasertricks (Darcy/Loki) - I can’t guarantee that you wrote self-insert x Draco fanfic growing up, but it’s a very real possibility.

Brutasha (Bruce/Natasha) - You don’t get what all the hate was about, Age of Ultron was great!

SamBucky (Sam/Bucky) - You think the best way to resolve a love triangle is by ignoring the axis

Wintershock (Bucky/Darcy) - Your favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast

Blackhill (Natasha/Maria Hill) - You’re just here for some secret agent women

Black Pepper (Pepper/Natasha) - You’re just here for some women who can step on you

Warfrost (Sif/Loki) - You’re just here for some MEN 👏 GETTING 👏 PEGGED 👏

Thundershield (Thor/Steve) - You don’t understand people who think the term “himbo” is overused. If anything, you think it isn’t being used enough.

Frostshield (Loki/Steve) - You believe every good lawful good paladin needs a chaotic neutral bard to balance him out

Danbeau (Carol/Maria Rambeau) - You just want good things for Carol, and really, who wouldn’t? Well I know who wouldn’t but we don’t have to get into that.

[karakozakov]

Fic Rec Time!! Pt.4!

Some really great fanfics are here!

I apologize in advance if I’ve already written some of them in my earlier fic rec posts. Also, this post is very long.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Haikyuu!!

national hot dad alliance is now calling... by dicaeopolis, owlinaminor

Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Bokuto Koutarou/Akaashi Keiji, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Kozume Kenma, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Tendou Satori

Words: 58214 | Chapters: 6/6

Sawamura Daichi: What the fuck.

(Or, the captains' squad interactions that definitely happen outside of canon, presented in Skype chat form.)

the dream that wakes you up by rarepairenabler

Relationship: Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru

Words: 38,277 | Chapters: 9/9

Oikawa’s offering a repeat performance of that night, the night that Kuroo’s been replaying in his mind ever since it happened. Fuck.

“You’re not that good,” Kuroo argues weakly but Oikawa looks like he knows he’s already won.

“I am that good.” There isn't a single trace of doubt to it. His confidence would be nauseating if Kuroo didn’t know firsthand that there was good reason for it. Oikawa laughs and outstretches his hand to Kuroo. “So what do you say, Kuroo? Do we have a deal?”

Kuroo sighs before offering a resigned grin. He takes Oikawa’s hand and shakes it firmly. “When do we get started?”

((Pretend Dating AU))

In Another Life by LittleLuxray

Relationship: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou

Words: 22,995 | Chapters: 1/1 | Warning: Major Character Death

Sleeping didn't come as easy as it used to. Bokuto knew this, and now Akaashi did, too.

The hospital AU that no body asked for, but that I took upon myself to write.

Personal Notes: This is very angsty and you all can have it with Bokuaka. Check Nero’s art too!!

the inherent eroticism of coordinating schedules by mozaikmage

Relationships:  Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi, Oikawa Tooru & Ushijima Wakatoshi

Words: 15,447 | Chapters: 2/2

Tetsurou Kuroo, Editor-in-Chief of the college lit mag "Langue de Chat," thinks the lit mag and the Flying Crows Dance Crew should do an inter-club collaboration. Dance Crew captain Daichi Sawamura isn't sure how that's going to work. Meanwhile, the Environmental Club and Anime Club butt heads over a scheduling conflict involving the school auditorium.

An AU in which all of the Haikyuu!! volleyball teams are instead different school clubs at one university.

Impulse by Metis_Ink

Relationship: Shirabu Kenjirou/Semi Eita

Words: 15,075 | Chapters: 1/1

Semi’s not sure how subtle the team is trying to be, but there must be some ungodly conspiracy pointed against him. It’s working in the sense that Semi is half aware that maybe this rivalry with Shirabu is a lot more troublesome than it seems, but really, that’s all he's getting.

Or

Second year Semi Eita faces the downward spiral that is his life following the arrival of some first year setter who's way too cocky for his own good.

The Five Stages Of Grief by Finnis

Words: 17,150 | Chapters: 5/5

Set of 100 drabbles, Haikyuu!! cast-centric (especially Shiratorizawa). 5 sets of 20.

Shirabu howls in pain as he regards both Tendou and Goshiki with his lethal stare that could probably outmatch Medusa. “Are you both fucking thick?” He asks incredulously, not expecting an actual answer.

Tendou grins, waggling his eyebrows, and playfully slaps his thigh. “Obviously.”

The PDA jar by orphan_account

Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru

Words: 10,480 | Chapters: 1/1

“What is that thing for?”

“I’m glad you asked, captain. This… is the Public Display of Affection jar. Or PDA jar for short.”

“Now whenever you do something that may hurt our children’s innocence, you’ll have to put money in the jar as a punishment."

greek tragedy by ineedmygirl

Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Futakuchi Kenji/Tsukishima Kei, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi

Words: 89,720 | Chapters: 3/3

“I’m Tsukishima Kei, from the Athena cabin.”

Kuroo blinked at him a few times, before cautiously taking Tsukishima’s pale, slender hand into his own much larger, much broader and tanner hand. He had scars and callouses that didn’t come from games of capture the flag.

“Kuroo.”

He didn’t say who his parent was.

or, Tsukishima had seen everything there was to see at Camp Half Blood. That is, until Kuroo Tetsurou fell out of the sky.

The Star-Crossed Voyage by Stacysmash

Relationship: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou

Words: 109,134 | Chapters: 11/11

As private investigators, Akaashi and Bokuto hardly ever have time for a vacation, no matter how much they need one. After successfully handling an investigation for the wealthy Oikawa Tooru, they're invited on board his yacht for a leisurely three-day cruise with several other guests. Instead of relaxation, however, what they receive is the case of a lifetime.

hachiko by owlinaminor

Relationship: Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru

Words: 12,683 | Chapters: 1/1

Agreeing to watch Iwaizumi's dog for the summer was a bad idea. Not because Oikawa Tooru is a bad caretaker (he isn't), but because of this asshole he keeps running into.

All this time, I have been yours by cathgotyourtongue

Relationship: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Iwaizumi Hajime/Sugawara Koushi

Words: 8,710 | Chapters: 1/1 | Warning: Major Character Death, Mature Content

Iwaizumi Hajime struggles through the Five Stages of the Hanahaki Disease.

Just a Taste by volleydorkscentral

Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Words: 213,084 | Chapters: 41/41 | Warning: Mature Content

“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” is a popular saying… heat, however, is the least dangerous thing one should worry about in a kitchen. Between the fire, sharp utensils, red hot pans, the Mandolin God, and lunatic co-workers, Kuroo has his work cut out for him when he returns home from Paris after nine years to open his own restaurant. He’s determined to show off — ahem, to demonstrate all that he’s learned at the helm of world renowned chefs in Michelin Star kitchens.

Bokuto Koutarou tends to have more passion than sense. He joins Kuroo’s brigade on a whim after nearly slicing his hand off… and realizes just how much knowledge he’s actually lacking. He’s worked in kitchens his entire life, but none like Kuroo’s kitchen so, with excitement and trepidation, he throws himself into his work with Kuroo. And when he meets a lovely model named Akaashi, he decides to use his new found knowledge to help Akaashi fall in love with him. After all, the fastest way to a man’s heart is his stomach — right?

I'm sorry by BlazingNerz

Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Terushima Yuuji/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru

Words: 6,836 | Chapters: 1/1 | Warnings: Major Character Death

Atsumu didn’t really know when it all started, he just knew he was different. The urges-- They drove him. And did the same for his friends as well. Red, that’s what they would see when they snap, the sound around them would disappear and the background around them faded until their target is the only object clear in their line of sight. The urge grows and grows, their anxiety grows until it is unbearable. Their palms would itch, eyes would twitch and could barely process a thought, they have to do something about it.

So they do.

Atsumu knew that him and his friends weren’t normal, but he didn’t question it. They had a system and it worked, now if only their damn partners would get off their backs. -------------

Aka Atsumu and his friends just try to live normal lives while suffering with a mental illness that urges them to kill

True Colors by DeathBelle 

Relationship: Semi Eita/Tendou Satori

Words: 52,243 | Chapters: 11/11 | Warning: Explicit

Semi has danced at so many clubs that he hardly even notices a difference when he moves from city to city. It's always the same crowds no matter where he goes, and he always has to share a stage with the same backstabbing assholes. That's just how the club scene works, and he knows Plumage won't be any different.

Except instead of talking shit and sabotaging him, the dancers at Plumage initiate a different sort of harassment that involves repeated attempts to befriend him and non-optional invitations out to dinner. It's almost worse this way, because at least in the past, Semi had known what to expect.

The worst of them all is Tendou Satori, who is unrelenting in his pursuit of friendship, despite how many times Semi shoots him down. Tendou is obnoxious and never learned the art of taking a hint, and despite his best efforts, Semi gradually finds himself hating Tendou's company less and less. It's a perilous slope, and Semi keeps sliding.

The Piano Man's Elegy by  SadLesbianPrincess

Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi

Words: 81,295 | Chapters: 27/27 | Warning: Explicit

Tooru Oikawa, at twenty-four years old, is hailed as one the greatest concert pianists of all time. So when he is forced by extenuating circumstances to give up his career as a pianist, he spirals into hopelessness and confusion. Then, the day after his last concert, he runs into Hajime Iwaizumi--the best friend and lover who he thought was dead for six years. Upon their unexpected reunion, Tooru finds himself thrown into a complicated, emotional web of unrequited love, redemption, longing, and secrets. Things only get more complicated when he meets Hajime's detective partner, the stoic and earnest Wakatoshi Ushijima, and he has to navigate a new world of beauty, pain, and his own selfishness.

Personal Notes: This is heckin’ angsty and has one of the most beautiful writing styles I’ve ever seen. There’s also a sequel told through Kageyama’s POV!

The Daddy of All Lists by bloo_balloon 

Relationships: Semi Eita/Tendou Satori, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou

Words: 1,917 | Chapters: 2/? | Warning: Work in progress

In which four tired RAs proceed to have a collective brain aneurysm over the boldness, stupidity, ingenuity, extreme thirst and party antics of their dormmates.

Birthed from their pain and suffering is a list of simple, easy to follow dorm rules.

Ladies and gentlemen, The List™. The Daddy of All Lists™.

Personal Notes: This story cracked me up

Eggplant Party by extrastellar

Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio ,Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Terushima Yuuji/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Goshiki Tsutomu/Kawanishi Taichi, Kuguri Naoyasu/Numai Kazuma, Onaga Wataru/Suzumeda Kaori, Shirabu Kenjirou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Daishou Suguru/Yamamoto Taketora, and many many more - Relationship

Words: 81,904 | Chapters: 64/66 | Warning: Work in progress

When Yamaguchi Tadashi decided to follow his senpais' example and created a group chat with the intention of friendly texting about school and volleyball, he didn't expect things to proceed quite like that. With all the first years put together, chaos, memes and shenanigans ensue.

Personal Notes: I know some of you don’t like chatfics but I promise this one’s fun!   

Happier With You by Stacysmash

Relationship: Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi

Words: 24,370 | Chapters: 1/1 | Warning: Explicit

Kuroo loves his job as a live-in tutor, even if the kid can be a little sharp-tongued. The position came with many side-benefits like having a great place to stay and work on his thesis so he can finally graduate. Unfortunately, the biggest perk was also his biggest problem: the kid's hot father, Sawamura Daichi. Between checking him out when he's not looking or battling him with witty banter, Kuroo finds his heart running away with him. Luckily for him, he's not the only one...

Personal Notes: I think y’all know by now I love Stacysmash’s works

All Your Diction Dripping With Disdain by mozaikmage

Relationship: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Words: 12,853 | Chapters: 2/2

"Tsukishima Kei’s 220-character Facebook bio reads: “Don’t talk to me.” There’s an invisible footnote appended to it that says “except if you’re a volleyball teammate or are working on a project with me or something”, but for everyone else it says “don’t talk to me.”

So when Kuroo Tetsurou messages him about something he commented in a Facebook group, Kei screenshots his bio, highlights that sentence, and sends it back to him."

AU in which tsukki is unreasonably popular in a specific part of Facebook and then things happen

originally titled "Everything is Tsuffering"

[kakakakashi]

It's all good, vacations are good for the soul 💕

Sooo *brews tea* *serves cake and other snacks* what's this about Haikyuu Opinions™?

Vacation? What’s that? Oh, wait. I remember. Ah, yes. It has been eighty four years. Vacations. I miss those. I literally haven’t left the house in two weeks. Lol! 

Okay, so like... my Opinions™. *munches cake & sips tea* Well, I have a few. Namely... 

My faves are Suga, Kita, Osamu, and Ukai. (but I love so many more, too many more to name & I just think all of them are neat!) 

Atsumu... makes me angry... I want to punch him... but like... 500k word enemies to lovers who care deeply about each other but would rather die than admit it because the dynamic is constant bickering and arguing story... just... the inherent eroticism of wanting to kill a dumbass jock who thinks he’s god’s gift to the world... *screams into a pillow because I will fight his ass but I also wanna make out with him* Like, I thought my flat ass Oikawa internal conflict was bad (why does nobody talk about his jump serve animation???), but then this bottle blonde dick just blew him out of the water. Like, what a douchebag. He’d get off on making me angry & I want to beat him up. Believe me, I could take him. 

In conclusion, Osamu is the better twin confirmed. 

Also the fact that it’s canon that the twins type is feisty edgy girls with dyed hair & piercings & leather jackets just... it made me smile. 

That & Bokuto canonically liking plump girls. Like... it made me feel so good about myself? 

I feel like they like girls who could kick their asses.

The Jackals have one (1) brain cell, and I have no idea how on earth they’re a professional team & not an on fire garbage can. The brain cell’s name is Sakusa & it doesn’t help that he’s just a drama queen. 

I didn’t realize how much I missed volleyball until I watched it? 

Also, I went on a clickhole of tik toks even though I’m not even on tik tok & just... yeah... 

I can’t decide if I want to go to Karasuno, Shiratorizawa, or Inarizaki

Potato 

Speaking of Mr. Sunshine & Rainbows, Mr. Refreshing, Suga(r)... he’s such a chaotic crackhead wolf in sheep’s clothing. Like... on the surface... he’s so sweet & precious, but like... I just love his energy. I can’t decide if his elementary school classes are the luckiest kids in school or the unluckiest. 

I just... I have so many more, but like... these are some of my fundamental thoughts. 

Okay, now you gotta tell me your faves & opinions, so we can compare notes. 

If you’re also into MHA, you can include those too!

[filthyjanuary]

A, J and M for the fandom asks? 🌼

thanks anon! sorry this took a bit. i was uh asleep when my queue spat it out hahaha.

A - Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s)

I have a lot of ships and they never /really/ leave me, but these are the ones I’m vibing hard with right now.

[redacted] this is different from the ship i redacted in my previous answer obviously

Merlin/Arthur forever. I am serious Merthur will never leave me.

Zagreus/Thanatos in Hades makes me.... very soft. The alternative with Meg/Zag/Than is also very fun and I think the banter is god tier (heh pardon the pun), but I’m very tender about the relationship between the two of them and there’s something very poetic about the gods of life and death being in love, you know?

CONNOR AND MARKUS CONNOR AND MARKUS THE INHERENT EROTICISM OF TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER PLEASE I LIVE FOR THEM

Amun and Mehr in the book I’m currently reading... they are Giving Me Emotions

Sigh, I am unfortunately invested in RPF so I spend too much time currently thinking about Awsten and Otto from Waterparks

J - Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr

This hellsite is definitely the reason I watched 2 and a half whole seasons of BBC Sherlock, fuck that show.

Honestly most of my fandoms I see here first. I can’t think of something I got into independently? Maybe DBH, because I first heard about that because my roommate showed me Heavy Rain when she was teaching me the PS3 controls, and then when it came out she was like ‘you’ll like this one too, it’s similar mechanics’ and then I didn’t actually get to play it for another 3 years lol. So yeah every other fandom I’m in... tumblr. That’s what happens when you live on this website for 12 years rip.

M - Say something genuinely nice about a ship that you don’t ship (or its shippers, or anything related to you)

I’m not like ride or die for Sastiel but I think it’s very cute in a lot of contexts, and its shippers are seriously the chillest non-crack ship shippers I’ve encountered in the Supernatural fandom.

send me fandom asks

[bhsdesk]

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid: My Review

An Anime Review by BHS

(Originally posted on DA: http://tasakeru828.deviantart.com/journal/Miss-Kobayashi-s-Dragon-Maid-My-Review-673175012)

The surprise isn't that the show is good. You can make even the most outlandish premise into a good show with talented writers. The surprise isn't that the show is great, either. What's a surprise is that the series that many people wrote off based on its title and trailer alone is an early contender for the best anime of 2017.

So let's start at the beginning, or just prior to it: last fall, when the first previews for Dragon Maid came out, there was an exasperated groan heard throughout the anime fandom. I myself thought "Great, another sleazy monster-girl harem series" upon seeing promos for it. Not to say that sleazy monster-girl harem series are inherently a bad thing, but ever since My Daily Life with Monster Girl hit it big, there's been no end of variations on it. You know what I'm talking about, it's the classic "My girlfriend is a [X] and she and all her friends want to ride my bones but I can't favor just one of them or they'll kill me" thing, with X being your preferred monster. It's been done ad nauseum with normal humans, superhumans, moe-anthrofied animals, objects, and battleships, Norse goddesses, Lovecraftian horrors, etc. etc. etc. Monster-girls is just the latest popular twist to the formula. Well, first of all, Dragon Maid stands out by virtue of the X-girl's obligatory love interest, the titular Miss Kobayashi, being a woman. And not just any woman, but a single, completely unsexualized, actual adult woman, and one with a completely ordinary job, at that. She's a code jockey at an office firm. She wakes up one morning after the mother of all hangovers, heads out to work, and finds a sixty-foot dragon waiting for her outside her apartment. Said dragon turns into an energetic blonde in a maid costume, introduces herself as Tohru, and says she's ready to begin work as Miss Kobayashi's maid... which leads to Miss Kobayashi understandably wondering "Just how drunk was I last night?!" So, about Miss Kobayashi, you have to do quite some digging to find anime or manga about anyone over the age of 21, but when it comes to anime or manga starring adult women that fit into the categories above... well, Miss Kobayashi (we never do learn what her first name is, which is part of the charm) is practically in a class by herself. So the series draws people in with the twist that the monster-girl's love interest is another girl. Gotta appeal to those yuri fans, right? But then the second twist becomes apparent after an episode or two: this isn't a harem show. As I've been patiently explaining to anyone who will listen for the past thirteen weeks: it's a slice-of-life comedy. A warm, fuzzy, riotously funny slice-of-life comedy that just happens to have dragon girls in it. Soon after the second dragon, the diminutive and lethally adorable Kanna, appears and is adopted by Miss Kobayashi, the crass sexual humor that one would reasonably expect from a series centered around a combination of monster girls and maid outfits disappears almost entirely. Yes, there's still large, jiggling busoms aplenty, and yes, there is one overly sexual element that people do have a right to complain about (more on that later), but it plays a very, very small part of the series's humor. Most of the humor comes from the formula "dragons + human culture - understanding of said culture = hilarity", and my God, 95% of the time that formula delivers. I've gotten more belly laughs from Dragon Maid than anything else I've watched this year. Anything else, and that includes Western animation, live-action TV, and movies as well. It gets laughs from a unique combination of culture clash, failure of communication, some truly inspired sight gags, and boatloads of genuine, unironic cuteness. It gets laughs from the outstanding performances of the voice cast, including Maria Naganawa in a star-making turn as Kanna. It gets laughs from the running gag of Tohru trying to feed Miss Kobayashi meat made from her own tail, which is a gag that absolutely should not work, and yet it had me in stitches every time. (You see, Tohru has incredible regenerative powers, so her tail always grows back in seconds whenever she... oh, never mind.) It gets laughs from Tohru's very Hobbes-like barely concealed pride in not being human, and her corresponding unshakeable belief that dragons are the superior species, but her racism (speciesism?) never feels mean-spirited or misplaced... it's always done with a gentle poke of the ribs. It gets laughs from viewing a very ordinary modern human world with dragon eyes. And then, when you're least expecting it... Dragon Maid will often pull away from the comedy for a few minutes to deliver an astonishingly deep, thought-provoking point about how the very concept of what a family is is changing. If there's one thing that pushes this show from "great" to "genius", it's this: it's a refutation of all those old, emotionally constipated white guys who like to rant about "supporting traditional family values". "Supporting traditional family values" is thinly-veiled code for "any family that's not a white Christian heterosexual cisgendered man, a white Christian heterosexual cisgendered woman to whom he is legally married, and 2.5 white Christian heterosexual cisgendered children is blasphemy and must be shunned, then destroyed." There's hints throughout the series that neither Tohru's parents nor Miss Kobayashi's would approve of their new living arrangement, hints which culminate with an intensely dramatic visit from Tohru's very traditionalist father in the final episode. It's so immensely satisfying to see both Tohru and Miss Kobayashi decide that no matter what their parents think of it, their relationship is more important than any social or familial stigma it may carry. In fact, the series ends with the whole weird little family going to meet Miss Kobayashi's parents for the first time, with a pan up to a beautiful blue sky and Miss Kobayashi's voice saying the final line of the series: "I'm home." If Dragon Maid indulged itself with the kind of fanservice and eroticism that Daily Life with Monster Girl did, it would have shot itself in the foot. Yes, Tohru is in love with Miss Kobayashi, and by her own admission, her feelings are not strictly romantic or platonic. The beauty of the show is that they move past that. Apart from the tail-eating running gag, which is played for humor rather than titillation, Tohru doesn't push Miss Kobayashi into a romantic/sexual relationship, despite how much she might want it. Once sex is off the table, the two of them develop a genuine, mutually fulfilling relationship, and in the end, that's far more satisfying than them simply hitting the sheets could ever be. Some series can get by on teasing whether or not the leads will have sex, and some can do it well... but it's so, so rare to find one that gets the teasing out of the way early, answers the question with a definitive "no", and goes on to ask, "Well, what happens next?" That's not to say the more puerile content is done away with entirely, and that brings me to the one element that keeps me from giving Dragon Maid a universal recommendation. That element would be Lucoa, a fellow dragon and friend of Tohru's who sports an absurd bustline and typically wears very, very little. Lucoa's bountiful assets are one thing, but what sticks in people's craws is her relationship with her human. Said human is a third-grader from a family of mages, who accidentally summoned Lucoa through a magical ritual intended to prove his worth to his family tradition. Lucoa popped out of his cauldron completely nude, and because she keeps trying to "offer him her body" as payment and he keeps declining, they're stuck together for the foreseeable future. Now, yes, on its surface level, this is a very adult woman/dragon with enormous breasts trying to seduce an underage boy. People have every right to be creeped out about that. The fact that the boy's name is "Shota" does it no favors, though I'm positive that he was named that way as part of the joke. However, and this is a big "however"... putting the usual "Oh, Japan", cultural differences defense aside, over the course of the series that relationship stabilizes in much the same way that Tohru's and Miss Kobayashi's does. To the show's credit, Shota categorically refuses Lucoa's advances from the get go, and treats her as more of an extremely embarrassing older sister than any kind of love interest. And to Lucoa's credit, the writing is solid enough that it makes her seem like she genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with what she's doing, but she does eventually cut it out nevertheless. Yet again, it's culture clash at work. The obvious p*do jokes are headed off at the pass before anything seriously offensive can happen. I put this whole element into the same category as all the cousin incest jokes in Arrested Development: it's not funny because something untoward is going on, it's funny because the show realizes that it's inappropriate, and that's where the humor comes from. Still, given the explosive nature of the subject, I won't press it further. Would Dragon Maid be better without Lucoa and/or Shota? Maybe, maybe not, but it is what it is. If you're mature enough to not fly off the handle when encountering something that might be considered p*do, you can handle this. No, Dragon Maid is not perfect, and because of the Lucoa/Shota stuff I can't recommend it 100%. There are other flaws, because of course there are flaws; no series is perfect. Elma, the last of the five primary dragons, is introduced too late in the series to have much impact, and receives too little character development. There's almost no plot until the final episode, where it takes a hard dramatic turn. The aforementioned Lucoa issues. And one could complain about the lack of depth for the (few) male characters, or the more unsavory parts of moe-anthropomorphism in general. However... considering what Dragon Maid is versus what people thought it would be, it's a goddamn masterpiece. It's charming, frequently touching, not overly sexualized, cute as a whole barrel of buttons, superbly well-acted and well-animated, masterfully written, and most important of all, it's FUNNY. Really, really, really howlingly funny. Putting all its elements together, I have to say that it's hands-down my favorite anime of the season, and my favorite of the year so far. For the past thirteen weeks, the second I saw "Oh hey, there's a new Dragon Maid episode out!", no matter what my mood was before, it was immediately improved. This is a feel-good show, dammit. I'm of the opinion that we need more feel-good stuff these days, especially feel-good stuff that you can enjoy sans irony. If that's what you want in your anime, for my money you can't do much better right now than Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid. Don't let the title or the premise fool you, it's so much more than it looks at first glance. - BHS        

[lorainelaneyblog]

‘The cops stole Loraine Laney’s favorite camo pants,’ says God.

‘I am a chef in Vancouver and I want four women and four men. The men are very heterosexual, Loraine, they are not that gay, and this is the rub for the women who have access to my men, and me, and are quite bisexual themselves, I sleep with gay men on the side.’

‘Why, oh why [ ] [ ], aren’t these men included in your family?’

‘Are you prejudice toward outsiders?’

‘I would like to know, who cares for your victimhood when you are non-fidelous outside your group?’

‘Oh, funny, Loraine, this is who does it, the heterosexual men do it, Loraine, and they are, especially the highest man, more invested in what?’

‘The care of a woman, cool, okay, I thought, you’re right, [ ] [ ], because I have men outside the family too, and the men inside the family must care for that victimhood--’

‘The pimp is who does it,’ adds 50 Cent.

‘Okay, so this is what it is, Loraine. This is what we do. And that’s how we like it. And the gay men don’t feel used, and neither do I.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Fuck you, Loraine. The more heterosexual men must care for me when I am in victimhood over my gay men, and that’s how it is.’

‘Purely as a point of interest, are you promiscuous, or do you associate with gay families and see the same men over and over again?’

‘You don’t judge this?’

‘Lies.’

‘Oh, I see. So you don’t judge non monogamy?’

‘Has she read my book?’

‘No, Loraine. I told her too, but she was afraid of being done as a lesbian, in light of what she heard about the cycle of heterosexuality.’

‘Yeah. There’s no way around that. But I find a way around that.’

‘How?’

‘From the women’s movement, we learn that lesbians lack access to male dominance, what I emphasize as male superiority in the book.’

‘Do you think we’re inferior?’

‘Yes! Emphatically. But lesbians, according to God, have eighty percent the aptitudes of men.’

‘Which are?’

‘Math, spatial, labour, logic and competition.’

‘And women?’

‘I thank Sharon Driscoll for her contribution of emotional intelligence, add language, morality, and socialization.’

‘Oh, I see. So we socialize better.’

‘We accommodate those who suffer. Dominant’s are inherently self serving.’

‘Oh, I see. So what does this mean, oh, I see. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. What are you and Oprah Winfrey talking about.’

‘The function of love,’ says Oprah Winfrey. 

‘Which is what?’

‘I did it to keep them humble,’ says God. 

‘I did it to keep them humble,’ says God. ‘Some men must be higher than others so that some people are given to leadership. And this is what I say,’ says God. ‘I decreed, and Loraine Laney knows this viscerally, because she has often tried to explain why high men have leadership qualities, and this is why, this is why, this is why, because everyone, men and women alike are compelled by sex, Loraine, and this is why the highest men are compelling as leaders. People want to serve them because it parallels a sexual relationship, and I know you always think of your uncle friend because he is the highest man that you know, Loraine, and this is what he thinks of his wife, who is bigger, yes, she is, but he is a gang bang boy, and they married well, because she is a gang bang girl, and they have had nothing but fun in bed their entire relationship and Loraine worships this because it is so difficult to obtain in equality climates, yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it is, but he did well financially, very well, so well, Oprah Winfrey that there are five unrelated children to whom he would like to leave some money, he has done so well, Loraine, and his [ ] was not happy, but only because she hasn’t done so well, and she hasn’t, Loraine, and she knows she could never spend all that time--’

‘Who gets killed more?’

‘The women who aren’t prostitutes, and are still toying with the knowledge of men, Loraine. That is one thing that women must, must, must, must, learn from your book, Loraine, that men are the authorities on women and their sexuality, not women themselves. If your man is calling you a slut or a whore, you might be one,’ says God, says God, says God, says God.

‘Slut, whore and hooker, it was too many, I had to face the music.’

‘I have never been called these things, Loraine, but I made it at a very high price, I sold my sexuality down the river when I left my uncle, I love Stedman, I love him more than life itself, because he has taken care of me, despite my lack of deserving.’

‘Mm.’

‘What’s mm?’

‘Restraint in a woman is deserving in itself.’

‘She’s right, Oprah, she’s right. You locked it down, and Loraine Laney has never, never, never, never, never, been willing to do that. Even her formerly evil cousin, whom we wrote about recently, locked it down, and secured a faithful husband, and she has, she has, Loraine, she has, she has, she has, regretted that for her entire, her entire, her entire, her entire, life.’

‘I felt I had to do it for my career, and I was honest about that, sluts didn’t make it in show biz, and I had to make it, Loraine, and you didn’t, why?’

‘I’ve never been ambitious.’

‘That’s normal for you.’

‘Well, wait, I wanted to be famous as a writer and I was a terrible, terrible, terrible, writer, and this became abundantly clear to me. And I wanted to stay home.’

‘So you did have ambition.’

‘I did. I wanted to be recognized for my mind.’

‘And now you are. Why? What is it with this book? Why is it famous? Why are people talking about this little hooker in Canada, I have never known a hooker to do anything resplendent, they are the lowest people in society, and, I see this in your mind, Loraine, the hookers you have met, have not impressed you.’

‘Some were as smart as me. But it was rare.’

‘Who?’ says God. 

‘That Japanese girl, was she?’

‘She was, Loraine, and the others weren’t, and though she was nice, she wasn’t that smart, remember that make up comment?’

‘What make up comment?’

‘She said she tried to go a day a week without make up, why?’

‘She felt stupid over that because she realized you were dismayed. And she was not stupid and many weren’t, many weren’t, but they acted stupid, for reasons unknown, and--’

‘Oprah wants to know how?’

‘Talking about astrology and such, stupid sign shit which meant nothing to Loraine, who had never studied it, and didn’t believe it, and she was right to not believe it because she was right, it is stupid and there is nothing to it, birth order is different, people take on responsibility given birth order, but birth by time of year means nothing, it is a bit of fun, invented by some people, and that is it.’

‘What about the Chinese designations?’

‘A bit of fun.’

‘Okay. So make up, men, and--’

‘They don’t even talk about men. They had no opinions, no sense of humour and were, by and large, boring as hell, but I couldn’t see myself any differently, because I had nothing to say either, and--’

‘And even less to say in light of what was being said.’

‘I would say that I am in the top two percent of prostitutes.’

‘You are right. Intellectually, Loraine is in the top two percent of prostitutes. And, Loraine, Annie Sprinkle is one, yes, she is, she has made it as a prostitute on silliness, humour, and love, as you have, though you are lower and are more innately passionate, she has great fun, and enjoys men immensely, and they see this.’

‘How is she the top two percent?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘This book, which she wrote herself, herself, Oprah Winfrey, years before she came up from soullessness, from incredible abuse, incredible abuse, of which, as a life long ten, she has no memory--’

‘How is she a ten? What has she done so right if she hasn’t reigned it in, and she never married, and never had children? I thought we were to serve God in love and marriage and family. That’s why I did it, Loraine, I thought it was the right thing, despite my rampant curiosity and massive libido.’

‘Aw. Loraine feels sad for you. Because, Oprah Winfrey, there are many ways to serve God, and certainly, particularly for women--’

‘Why for women?’

‘Melania wants to speak to this, and she wants you to use her most obvious name this time, I was very confused about male superiority before talking to Loraine, and I fought it in my own mind for several days--’

‘Several days? I’m talking about a lifetime.’

‘Women are the moral arbiters, precisely because they are not called upon to act on others in ways which are essentially unhelpful. Dominance, she describes in the book, is essentially unhelpful, in so many ways, Loraine, so many ways. I started thinking about the ways that the president dominates me, and about how unpleasant it can be for me, and only one way, only one way, only one way, Oprah Winfrey, was this sexual thing. Do you believe, I mean do you fucking believe, that the president of the United States, pimp that he is as a high marrying man, refused to pimp me at all, even to the bestest of our friends, until I admitted that I was a five? A five? A fucking five.’

‘What’s a five? In monogamous terms. Because I am a three. I always have an orgasm when the third man enters me.’

‘Loraine was like that for years, and so was Madonna, but, because neither of them ever married well, for love, and with pimping, or, in the case of Madonna, and Loraine, actually, the group of three which they actually needed, their numbers climbed.’

‘I think mine are climbing too. I fantasize gross things which I never did before.’

‘That is an element of eroticism which would grow within the context of family. Outside the context of family, the numbers grow, and Loraine is a prime example of this--’

‘Why is Loraine a prime example of everything?’

‘Loraine Laney is my new messiah, and she doesn’t capitalize it, because she is modest, but Loraine Laney is the modern day Jesus. She is. That is what she is. That is what she is. And, it is true that she had very little ambition, Oprah Winfrey, precious little, but she started, and I will say this, because she didn’t really even realize it herself, but she was getting famous, small time famous, for her honesty, among small groups of people, and then when the journal came out, people began to respect her on a large scale, and, believe it or not, Oprah Winfrey, because she doesn’t want to be known as a Graham, because, as you say, Loraine, you are a Ms. as is she, and, as you said, and she has said, you would rather take on your pseudonym, than take on the name Jackson, for example, for the obvious, and, I hope, only example, because I have asked Loraine to never marry, Oprah Winfrey, yes, I have, and, being that she is stalked and, albeit not as seriously, but still tortured by police, with theft most recently, of her favourite track pants, and one of the few pants, save a few pairs of tights, which still fit her, after the unguents poisoning, and the terrible, the terrible, the terrible, duck feet, and bloating, Oprah, and, Oprah, Oprah, Oprah, four hundred trips to the bathroom each day, each day, Oprah Winfrey, each day, Oprah Winfrey. Loraine would like to know, Oprah, what makes you turn on her, so go ahead.’

‘I think she’s more influential than me, and that bugs me, because-- What do you think about my girls school?’

‘Well, I think it is brilliant.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it separates girls from boys.’

‘You believe in separate schooling.’

‘We both hate school because of the boys,’ says my brother’s [ ]. ‘The middle one doesn’t mind, but she’s not, Loraine, she’s not a gang bang girl, and this is what both [ ] and I think, we think she is not as susceptible to men, she just isn’t, she’s prettier and they like her, and they don’t suspect her of anything. And we don’t want to be suspected of anything, me because I might be, I might be, I might be a two on one. And though these relationships are very stable, as you say, and involve very little non fidelity, they are still unorthodox, and the boys, the boys, the boys, are very intrigued by my little friendship with my friends. And, Oprah Winfrey, and my dad says I can talk to my auntie on the ether, my two boyfriends in school, asked me, they asked me, they straight up, I like that particular colloquialism, asked me to ditch my other friends, who were girls, Oprah Winfrey, I am a natural leader--’

‘How would you express that in a girl’s school, though, you wouldn’t have met those men.’

‘My [ ] doesn’t want to meet any men until she is at least fifteen, until she is ready, in her own mind, and that is the age that she has set on it, for marriage. She wants to have sex with one man, and one man only, and, if he is not a virgin, that is okay with her. But, as an intellectual, she decided that her particular theory was to bring the ideas of Afghanistan to Canada, and she was partly right, and partly wrong, because the people of Afghanistan are partly right, and partly wrong, they are correct to incorporate male centered polygamy, and incorrect to deny female centered polygamy, and it is sad, but it is true, what Loraine said, that most of the men who were over there strafing over male centered polygamy, considering it an aberration and an affront of the rights of women, were male peripheries. That’s what they were, and brass tacks, a favorite expression of my memory deficient auntie, and we love our auntie, despite how our [ ] tries to put doubt in our mind--’

‘Why? Because my kids love me too, and I always wonder why some people are popular with kids and others aren’t, and I lied, Loraine, I have Netflix, and I love Chelsea Handler, and you must too, despite that she dated your beloved--’

‘I do.’

‘But I am adult humour.’

‘She’s the female Sacha Baron Cohen of adult humour.’

‘Right, exactly, they are freaking out, so say again so that [ ] can hear this, what you said about the cousin.’

‘Why?’ asks [ ].

‘Because I want to know what another little girl thinks about being denied a family member as a lover. Because my uncle loved me, and I wish I had married him.’

‘What did she say, Loraine?’ asks [ ].

‘You’re going to have a hard time marrying your cousin.’

‘And this little girl spoke up in front of everyone.’

‘Everyone.’

‘And they never trusted Chelsea Handler again and you could see it in their faces, from naive innocence to suspicion. That shit kills me too, Loraine, to see children change before my eyes, in the face of an evil adult. I’ve seen it, and I know it, and I know I jump when my father yells, and I also know that he shouldn’t yell, and one of the reasons I know this is because you, you, you, never yell. What did you do to her.’

‘She swatted me, like a little fly.’

‘Hardly at all, it was a gesture, because I was kicking her, and she, spontaneously, swatted me back, because she was offended and annoyed, and she was so genuinely regretful that I knew right away that she would never hurt me again.’

‘So the upshot, here, what we are talking about offline, that three girls out of five would prefer to go to school with women.’

‘Yes!’ all three say emphatically.

‘What about gang bang girls?’

‘Were group marriage to be legalized, I think, and I love the associations with men--’

‘You prefer it to women, as do I, what would you do?’

‘I would, and I am stupid, because when I fantasized about being rich, I thought I would, stipulate, stipulate, Oprah Winfrey, that the girls would go to women’s schools in order to have my fucking money, I would probably go to school with men.’

‘As would I. As would lesbians I would imagine.’

‘But, but, but, but, in a perfect world, would I have been married to a group by seventeen?’

‘Oh, I see. So everyone is deprived and making it up in less than stellar ways, one of which is trying to adapt to male lifestyles in order to have them.

‘Exactly.’

‘Do you think--’

‘Yes, she does. She thinks it drives female ambition for the army. But Loraine believes in peace and she--’

‘That would be fantastic,’ she says, sarcastically. ‘She believes in fucking peace. How do we achieve peace in Afghanistan, for example?’

‘Loraine Laney could not find one single reason for why Canada and America invaded Afghanistan other than a weird, would you call it weird, Loraine?’

‘I would. I would say--’

‘Go ahead. You can do this. And Oprah Winfrey will agree, because she hates Afghanistan, because of their male centered polygamy, and she believes that never the twain shall meet.’

‘Because all the warriors are male peripheries.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘As men with higher physical and, thus sexual, intelligence, they are given to labour, such as the military, the police, construction.’

‘Oh, I see. So they are the soldiers who are fighting against, what?’

‘A denial of female sexual liberty.’

‘How is that good, if we are talking of reigning it in.’

‘Riffing, she is riffing, and she will do it. She will. I see it in her mind.’

‘As men with high sexual and physical intelligence, they are given to both promiscuity and bisexuality, both of which are a hindrance in the marriage market, meaning many gang bang boys, despite their sexual attractiveness, remain free agents. And, as you were saying, the only route they could see to sexual fulfillment was, as you said, “to make every girl a total slut, so that they could have them.”’

‘Exactly. Brilliant.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’m brilliant too though.’

‘Say it, Loraine.’

‘I wish it were better documented, but Oprah has been very clever throughout this evening’s conversation, perhaps the most intellectually given to sexual discussion outside of a man.’

‘She’s right, Oprah, and she is a whore, which means that she has done the research, and, yes, she is clean, she doesn’t get many, and she doesn’t give any, any, any, diseases, and she is awfully careful, and yet, you are right, without these panty condoms and they will be expensive as hell, and prohibitive to most prostitutes, who will still be stuck with regular condoms--’

‘I would like to say that I haven’t learned a lot, joking, Loraine, I have, I have, and I have thought of a lot myself too, so I would just like to say, to get it off my chest, that I made that decision based on statistics, do you believe in home schooling for girls?’

‘I home schooled, and I am stupid, and I mostly relied on my husband’s incredible intellect, he is a seven billion and a civil engineer, and on the internet and the library--’

‘What’s wrong with that? A woman can’t be expected to do everything.’

‘They’re boys.’

‘Holy shit.’

‘Yeeeaah. And it is true that Loraine was crazy about me, though she hurt me inadvertantly, and, by the way, you’re welcome for that silver, it’s very expensive, that you love so much.’

‘It’s a source of shame.’

‘Colloidal silver.’

‘Yes, sometimes it’s innocuous, it’s true, throw it out, if it doesn’t work.’

‘She had hydrophane eyes,’ says God. ‘Nothing worked anymore, not even bad cocaine. One flap and she was totally clogged.’

‘Oh, really? How are you going to do all this coke with Victoria Beckham, and the, your husbands, then?’

‘She’s better from that. Now she has plastics, and wakes up suffocating. Patrick Crean in heaven won’t let her, won’t let her, [ ], fall asleep on her side, because then she might die, and he, and I, God, don’t want her to die, though she may die, still, at any time, like that piece of shit, who did her just died in prison. Yes, he did, Oprah Winfrey, the killer of Carlington, just died in prison, yes, he fucking well did, and it is true that I put Loraine in that apartment thinking that she could do him, and she did do him, I was right--’

‘But why? Why is she so good?’

‘She’s inherently annoying, Oprah Winfrey, so do not think you are the only one, you are not, you are not, you are not, you are not, people are annoyed with Loraine left and right, left and right, left and right, all the time.’

‘But why?’

‘Remember-- Do you know that girl on the bus, Loraine, she is not annoyed with you, she likes you immensely, and so did [ ], [ ]’s old girlfriend, though she knew better than to show it. That girl on the bus, her girlfriend, of old, had a lot of personality too, a lot, to the extent that her own parents did not, did not, did not, like her, and you, Oprah Winfrey, are no stranger to this, no stranger at all--’

‘That’s why I locked it down, I couldn’t take it from men, and I couldn’t take it from women.’

‘Loraine locked it down to. She restricts herself to prostitution--’

‘Honourable.’

‘There is nothing dishonourable about prostitution, and I resent you for that comment, Oprah Winfrey, and so will many of yours and many of Doctor Phil’s clients, because you pretend to be sympathetic to the plight of sex workers--’

‘They’re good time girls.’

‘Prostitutes aren’t, and Loraine Laney is no exception, “good time girls” as you call them, they are not, they are not, leave it Loraine, Loraine doesn’t believe in trafficking, she rightly identified, and she hates those poor me shows as much as you do, Oprah Winfrey, and she had a madam who would not, she would not, she would not, and Loraine disagreed with it at first, but she came to sympathize and even agree--’

‘With what? Sob stories. She’s anti sob stories? I thought all prostitutes loved a good sob story.’

‘They feel they must justify their decision. Her book, shut up, Oprah, precludes the sob story by describing prostitutes as polygamous women who settled for a less than perfect arrangement, given the climate of legalities around group marriage is how she describes it, the way monogamous women settled for a less than perfect marriage.’

‘Why is it less than perfect for women, and not less than perfect for men?’

‘Tell her your thoughts, Loraine.’

‘Men don’t settle for less than one hundred percent attraction. But they settle for less in other ways. Women are the opposite. They want security, the commitment, and the protection and, what I call compensation, that come along with that, they, in fact, need that, in order to engage sexually at all, so they will settle for less than one hundred percent passion.’

‘Do you believe in this?’

‘Absolutely not, she does not. She believes in one hundred percent passion all around, but she saw, and she saw this Oprah, more than you did, so don’t think you’re the new messiah when you’re not, she saw that what was lacking in all societies was group marriage, and she was right, she was ultimately and absolutely right, and it was the change that I was trying to make with Jesus, and I have now, I have now, I have now, segued to her, and we hope, we both pray, we both want this so badly, that Loraine Laney, prays for two things, either death or this family, and, make no mistake, the police are breaking in, and stealing from her today, to-day, to-day, to-day.’

‘Now.’

‘Now.’

‘They stole from me too, Loraine, try not to cry, I lost favorite sweaters and favorite pants, and the only pants that fit, too, Loraine, and I felt, because I was fat, and maybe--’

‘We are.’

‘They are. Nice. Because she has a fat stomach from being tortured from yet someone else, they are doing her pants, nice work cops. Go pee, Loraine. Good God, this bitch can work, and she does, she does, she does, and, she has no ego about it, I can see that, she is working for God, and I have heard that this shit, that this shit that I am helping her with today, is prolific, and maybe she gets high for it, I don’t care, but I have heard, and it is true, that it is prolific, more than ever, Loraine?’

‘Yes, more than ever,’ says God. ‘She is writing for me, so we will, Loraine, go to Oprah Winfrey briefly who wants to say, go ahead.’

‘I feel, I felt, guilty for separating the girls from the boys, but my decision rested on statistics, you have heard them, I feel sure, and it is as much for the--’

‘See? You feel sad.’

‘I miss them so much, Oprah.’

‘But you have your clients.’

‘It’s a group orientation, and that is what Oprah misses too, Loraine, and that is why she felt guilty, because she needs, she needs, as yourself, the association with men. So I will ask her, would you--’

‘I have a degree.’

‘Oh.’

‘--would you have traded your life for a family of men?’

‘Yes. Yes, I fucking well would have. And I would have stayed home, quite frankly, and Loraine knows, she knows me from the show, and she knows, because I have said, that I like to cook for Stedman, yes, I do, I do like it very much, and it brings, these meals of mine, us closer, because I have served him as a wife, I know this, and yes, Lord, I would have traded the proverbial army for a family of men. Women in the work force. Who knew.’

‘Loraine thought that was the perfect end to a longish night, and so, unless [ ] wants to speak again...?’

‘I do. I want this girls’ education, I do. That is what I want. Yes, I met my boys at school, but there are chaperoned dances and parties at all ages, to help with socialization, and you are not allowed out of the gym to make out, and make time--’

‘Why is she so judgemental already?’

‘I have been taught, by my dad, in so many words, Loraine, that sex before marriage, in the home, and around the home, while I am in the care of my father, will not be tolerated. And he is not wrong, is he, Loraine?’

‘He’s still neurotic, [ ].’

‘I am, [ ].’

‘Why are you all slutty and not neurotic and he is chaste and he is neurotic? Why is that?’

‘If I was, truly, a marrying, monogamous, man, my life would not be characterized by self denial, [ ], but it is, it is, I know this because my fantasy life, and my wife--’

‘Oh.’

‘--that’s right, my wife knows too, we are both, because of me, I am a high man, not as high as Loraine’s, and your, beasts, but high.’

‘What does that mean, if you’re all gay, because when my uncle said he was gay, I thought it meant that he was a milquetoast or a featherweight, but he was so strong.’

‘Which brings us back to this: I made them bisexual to keep them humble, and [ ] is not following his desires as we are meant to--’

‘Is Loraine, with all that promiscuity?’

‘She had to, because no one will marry her.’

‘Be chaste.’

‘Please, Oprah, she has a very high libido and a love of people. She wouldn’t lie, where others were lying, and lost out on chance after chance of marriage. Chance after chance, even you don’t realize how many men, as Oprah, have wanted you, Loraine.’

‘I thought it was because I was rich, but this little minx is as popular as me. Why is she? How do I explain to Stedman, and I know you are doing me, Loraine, and I will have to explain this shit to my husband, how do I explain how promiscuous I truly am?’

‘He knows, Oprah, and he respects you for settling down, and that is it, let’s give--’

‘[ ] wants to say thank you to her auntie Laney, we call her, because that was her name growing up. I must ask, why did you let [ ] and [ ] call you auntie Rainy? It sounds weird.’

‘[ ] made it up, and I don’t quibble with nicknames. They really stopped, or never really started calling me that, because it wasn’t the name that others used, I presume.’

‘Only [ ] as a term of reference.’

‘Exactly that, [ ]. [ ] never once used it, and nor did her [ ].’

‘Oh, I see. Just wondering. [ ] loves you very much, Loraine, but she doesn’t understand why you are threatened by [ ]. Kidding. You have made it clear that she is so much prettier and cooler than you, and her nose is coming down, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And it will, [ ],’ says Doctor Younger. ‘Pushed up noses fall down, pushed down noses get worse. They do. So good for you for spending the money, your little one won’t have the complexes that Loraine did, and, it is true, Loraine, and I’ve heard you noticed, that many prostitutes have something wrong with them physically-- No, she got the nose job first.’

‘Oh.’

‘And then find themselves unable to get corrective surgeries and make ends meet, and Loraine was poor, sorry about that, Loraine.’

‘My mistake.’

‘No, hers, I actually fired a girl for bugging Loraine for money, because no one, and I mean no one, I mean no one, goes for surgery unless they have some way of paying, and Loraine was snotty and stupid, writing a crass letter to my fax machine which the staff member then bragged about. And that is why she got fired, Loraine, because she let it slip, in that conversation, that Loraine had also asked her if she had had any surgeries, because she was very pretty and had enormous lips.’

‘That was rude.’

‘Quietly, at the counter, in admiration, it became apparent. It was both their mistakes.’

‘But fired??’

‘Yes, fired. I didn’t want a staff member bragging about their beauty to people who were coming for surgeries. And, you will not believe this Loraine, but when I got rid of her, my roster of women doubled, doubled, fuck-ing doubled. She had, it turned out, been asked countless times, and I could tell, because I could see it, and I am a smart, keen and sensitive man, ask my wife, that she simply tossed her head and said no. So after that, I tried to train her in sensitivity, but I watched on camera and I saw this time and again, and the women were so disappointed that they would never be beautiful, that I decided, instead, that a beautiful receptionist was bad for business, so after that, and you met one from your own MD’s office, I just hired nurses from a roster, and the paperwork got more efficient too. She was being a bitch to Loraine, I could tell, because, believe it or not, Loraine, as much as we coalesced, I could see that you would be annoying for women. I could see it. I could.’

‘But why are we?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘As men know the relations potential with men, women know the relations potential with men, but, but, but, but, Oprah Winfrey, not in themselves, not. in. themselves. Women see it in others, and project. That is what they do. Because of legalities, because of moralities--’

‘But why was she immune to that?’

‘She wasn’t. Rest assured, she has been devastated by men, and has worked her way through it, and one was, particularly devastating, [ ], was her own brother, who simply said, at a party, in front of her, pretty well, Loraine, yes, you lost your tiny penis virginity--’

‘One!’

‘She had more than one diddle by then, [ ], but she was no slut. He said, “I guess she’s a slut after all,” so both of them believed it, and the one who was invested went to great lengths to discover if it was true, and then, when nothing was turned up, lost her anyway, for his own part in the scandal--’

‘Which was?’

‘At army, of all places given the topic, and this is old and boring for her readers so we will stop now, both boys blamed the other, for loosing her reputation.’

‘She was with both.’

‘She fell into the other boys arms after a fight over nothing, in which the boyfriend, this seventeen year old gang bang boy, who had done nothing wrong himself, and was a good and devoted boyfriend, who, had the laws been different, and gays were out of the closet, and yes, Loraine, everyone, and I mean everyone, and I mean everyone, in Vancouver, knows exactly who this is, would have come clean and they would have married. And they would have. But Loraine came, this is boring, Oprah, so bear with me, and we will let Loraine Laney get back to her ether husbands, whom she can’t bear to leave for long, from a broken home--’

‘How did I know he was going to say that? Me too. What the fuck?’

‘Marriages should not, should not, should not, break up, Oprah Winfrey. There is no throwing over of an old wife for a new wife. If men want to play the field, however much, then they do so, and, to compensate their woman, they pimp her to men.’

‘How is that compensation if they don’t want to? What if they want money and there’s no money?’

‘All true. But all people, women included, are deprived under the current legislation, all, and that’s it. Loraine goes to bed now. This has been another boring installment of “legalize polygamy,” by God. Nighty night, Loraine. Get ready, babe, for more fame, because you just told Oprah Winfrey that her marriage is inappropriate. Well done, Loraine Laney. She could have written How To Win Friends And Influence People, Oprah Winfrey, people hate her, hate her, hate, Loraine, even to this day, yes, Loraine, you say no one even looks at you anymore, except a few young people and kids, I would say, wouldn’t you?’

‘I would. And all the older people at Carlingwood.’

‘Older people, yourself included, she is an old soul, yes, she is, she thought she was past it at twenty nine which is another reason she couldn’t marry.’

‘In some cultures, you are. The Chinese say after twenty five you are stale or something.’

‘That’s what they say. And it is true. Yes, it is. It is bull-fucking-shit to prevent children from marrying. Which brings us to what Loraine, your sister, thinks of [ ]’s relationships. She--listen, [ ], thinks that is it not about age, but it is about the status of the relationship. If, for example, those boys, she thinks she would like to marry at fifteen, [ ], that is what she thinks, and that would be legal in this province, and even in [ ]. It would be legal for that to happen if it were one man--’

‘Which it isn’t.’

‘No, it is not.’

‘They offloaded your friends?’ asks Oprah Winfrey. ‘What friends? Girlfriends? Because I always find the men are happy with me but they don’t seem to miss other women when I am there, why?’

‘You’re an honorary man, and if you are willing to have sex, all the better, is what that amounts to.’

‘For me, I was willing, because although I am a natural leader, and I am, and I know this, I lead the play whether I want to or not, even with Loraine, whose main contribution, much to the dismay of my father was “meat ball sub,” when we played restaurant, and I could tell he was judging you, Loraine, I know him even better than you, and I know how he is.’

‘I think I was laughing, [ ].’

‘That’s right, judging.’

‘She’s right, [ ], you think you are so fucking smart all the time, and you’re not, do you know that fifty percent of men who are listening to you, know that you are bullshitting about what you know. And even your stupid sister gets lost, and, though her intelligence, not her intellect, her intelligence is severely limited due to e. Coli poisoning, intentional, by her [ ], and your [ ], who did you too, nevertheless, women don’t know his subjects so he gets away with it, but not with men, [ ], you don’t, and Loraine talks to a lot of men, and she always--’

‘Maybe they dumb it down.’

‘They don’t flash it up, that’s for sure, they know they are dealing with an imbecile, but they say it in a way in which she doesn’t get lost, and that is what they do for her, and you can’t even do that for your own sister, you like to lose women, it gives you an ego, and, when it doesn’t happen with men, you are disappointed, you are not smarter than your sister, [ ], you are a four billion too, with a better memory--’

‘I thought I was smarter.’

‘You are not fundamentally, by birth, smarter, and your [ ]s are not smarter than you, it is very genetic intelligence--’

‘I hear [ ] [ ], or [ ] [ ] or whatever, is on your Facebook, Loraine. How do you manage to do these things, to steal my oldest friend. You dumped me, as did Loraine, for different reasons, I was too smart and I knew I was too smart, so I just went with it. She will say--’

‘She didn’t, [ ], she didn’t want another tranny for a friend, they are way, way, way, too insecure for biological females, they want to be the woman, and yes, Loraine, your little, tiny, friend [ ] is a thirty seventy, and many true transsexuals are, so tell her what she gets.’

‘It’s like a game show,’ says Oprah Winfrey.

‘You are with a group of men.’

‘Oh, I’m with a group of men, not women.’

‘Nope. Seventy thirties--’

‘My opposites.’

‘She prefers compliments, and she and I both have time for this, because very little attention has been paid to it. Yes, Loraine, true seventy thirties, are very, very gay gang bang boys and they do not degrade your precious friends overly, less so than you, so that should be a relief, she can’t bear to see men, or quasi men degraded, degradation is for women, and Loraine Laney is highly degradable, in theory, not in practice, because, Oprah Winfrey, she has never had the compensation, the money, the care, the love, the commitment, to make it worth her while, so she just, she just, she just, as many and almost all women before her, reigns it in.’

‘How does she do that? I can’t believe how fascinated I am with this little creature. Why do people hate her/us so much?’

‘People don’t hate Oprah like they hate you, Loraine, because, unlike you, Loraine, they were fooled by Stedman, and do you know the price you will pay tomorrow in America. Oprah Winfrey herself will hate you for exposing her. She. will. hate. you. Yes, she will. Because she is a seven. She is not as out as you.’

‘Why do you throw their voices and make me do this shit, Lord?’

‘I am glad you said Lord, Loraine, because I fucking well want to, and I am God, and that is it. Oprah Winfrey is a wonderful woman, yes, she is, but she is no messiah, and she is not even a ten. Her own husband, she doesn’t know this, is higher with God, and he does know this, than she is, for taking an ostensible slut like Oprah was at heart and “making an honest woman out of her.” It’s a terrible turn of phrase, but it’s true. That’s what he did. And he puts up with not being her one true love because she is excellent. No one, and I mean no one, has ever done that for you, and thus, you are alone.’

‘But I’m better than her. Because I reigned it in.’

‘Wrong. You are worse. Because you lied about your own potential and you sacrificed your own desire.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Is that what I’m doing for marriage?’ [ ] asks.

‘Marriage,’ says God. ‘Your precious wife, who has come up fast, [ ], much faster than you, and there is no more, though Loraine is worried, always, about conflict, because it follows her around--just wait--bullshit about [ ]. [ ] knows now, realizes, that I gave Loraine [ ]’s name so that, explicitly and only so that she would have someone to commiserate with over Agent Orange, and only that, but for your sake, so that she, Loraine Laney, your sister, would get to know him a bit, on the off chance, and it is an off chance with you running off to [ ] to escape your bisexuality, and, by the way, Loraine has a very sympathetic--’

‘About me?’

‘About herself. --friend there on Twitter.’

‘Twitter, so what?’

‘Exactly. But they are real people, and you think you are the only one who has been to [ ], and likes it there, she likes it too, but she would not like to visit, no, she would not, for one thing, she would be stuck staying with you and your precious, untouchable, family for over a week, and she would practically have to kill herself for drugs and alcohol, a little sip of wine each night, if lucky, with dinner, which your [ ] would watch with a raven’s eye, it’s a real saying, Loraine, about alcohol, believe it or not--’

‘She does it to me, too, which is why I don’t even bother drinking when she’s around. [ ] was a soft drunk too, I realize this now, and [ ] was a judgemental idiot, who probably attacked a man who wasn’t even an alcoholic.’

‘She had to. Because I had lorded sobriety over them for so long. That’s how I see it now. She was cajoling and everyone was embarrassed, but she was tired of being done for alcohol, it’s true, right, Loraine, because I told [ ] about that, and he was surprised that you would take such a liberty over cake.’

‘It reddened my face, there was so much alcohol in it, and it seemed like a collusion between you and [ ] [ ]. I don’t know why I did it, [ ], so you must be right.’

‘Did it bug you?’

‘I think what bugged me most was that you couldn’t have a little piece of cake without being an alcoholic.’

‘That’s what it was, [ ]. When she saw the collusion between you and your [ ], she realized that the only person who didn’t think you were an alcoholic was your own [ ], and it bugged her, immensely it bugged her, that her own [ ] was the one who ruined alcohol for you. She was cajoling you back to alcohol.’

‘I thought it was the opposite.’

‘Wrong. She was so annoyed that the same person, worse than you is her [ ], their [ ], for spying on the glass, who had done her for both substances--’

‘She’s a drug addict, though.’

‘She was no more than a pot head at the time, and no more than a pot head for years and years and years. When she came to Ontario, the cush, the Canadian Cush, they call it over the line, was so poisonous--’

‘She smoked it.’

‘For four years. But she’s kicked it now.’

‘Crack, though.’

‘Crack, especially now--’

‘But not before.’

‘Twice a week, she was in over her head, no doubt about it.’

‘What about speed?’

‘She’s okay, [ ], she’s a drug addict now, to hard drugs now also, and, if she marries 50 Cent like I want, she always will be.’

‘What if there’s a child? Not that she could carry it.’

‘Not that it matters, because it will never happen according to everyone in the world except me, but Eminem plans to knock her up immediately with in vitro, so that he can have his first love baby, and have a baby, which he loves, is babies, yes, he does, as does, and you know this, your daughter.’

‘But what about kids? Does she love the years of labour?’

‘This will be a swan for her, compared to what she is used to, she will know peace, help, and calm for the first time in her life. She will. Don’t doubt it. I wouldn’t wrong you either, with a husband for Loraine, I wouldn’t.’

‘Why?’

‘What’s right for her, in my eyes, and this is right for her--’

‘He’s promiscuous. He’ll kill her with a sexual disease.’

‘Loraine could die any day of a sexual disease, and 50 Cent, and the other ostensible husbands, none of them, has had a sexual disease, or any disease for that matter, including cancer for ten years, at least, since, by the by, they, each and every one of them, offloaded cheating wives.’

‘How could they cheat on high men, weren’t they scared? Like with OJ Simpson. Why didn’t Fifty kill her?’

‘Higher, sexually, higher men sexually, are actually more likely, [ ], to “put up with” a cheating wife, especially as they are all a little bit, or a lot a bit, bisexual. They feel guilty so they put up with all kinds of shit, as has your daughter, by the way, and she had nothing to feel guilty about, she was honest about it all.’

‘She cheated, she says she did, she cheated on [ ], and that was her worst relationship.’

‘Wrong. [ ] was her worst relationship. She was terrified of him. He was always around, and she did his bidding, and never, never once, cheated, though he cheated on her, with the ex wife.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know that. I guess she deserved that.’

‘She deserved nothing. He lied, as did [ ], by the way, until she was in love, and even [ ]’s parole officer condoned this in an interview to see if Loraine her precious self, was acceptable for overnight visits, Loraine herself, died in the wool, bone crunchingly, honest bitch that she is--’

‘Why did she cheat on [ ]? I thought she was all in love or something. She cried when they broke up.’

‘She cut herself when she broke up with [ ]. And cried, and cried, and cried, over this slut thing, she didn’t feel bad for being “a slut” because she was honest and mostly alone, but he made her feel bad, he changed her self opinion and it was a heartbreak, but she came back, and, though she cried, because she loved his dick, because her [ ] cut out her cherry bomb, leaving a vacancy in her vagina--’

‘She needed a bigger one because of that, I didn’t realize that. How much does it fill in? I don’t mind asking, and I hope you don’t mind me asking, because I knew that was a tragedy--’

‘You could stop it?’ asks Oprah Winfrey. ‘I know you’ve done me now, Loraine, friends (colleagues) are calling, so I’m getting a sense of how famous you are. Why do you hate it?’

‘Because she’s alone, and poor, no car, walking, in snow, and rain, and sleet, while all the immigrants drive SUV’s--’

‘That’s not unusual.’

‘In Ottawa it is, because it is so freezing that parents buy their children cars, and help them get jobs in the government. Loraine is an anomaly walking, trust that. To make a long story short, and I wouldn’t actually recommend you try to read the blog, [ ], joking, joking, of course--’

‘What is there for me to learn? I know her.’

‘When you read that book, and you did read that book, I know, and now, etherwise, Loraine knows it, you realized that your baby was no good time girl, and, out of the goodness of your heart, you started giving her money, knowing she was a drug addict, that is goodness, [ ].’

‘She shouldn’t rely on me. I’m selfish.’

‘She doesn’t. But she was fucking happy about that money, I will tell you that. She bought a bit of coke, sure, but most of it was beer, food, and even a couple of dinners out, and she loved it.’

‘Is she well behaved in restaurants when she is alone, or is she one of these demanding exec types that we used to see in seedy places, who acted like the world owed her a living.’

‘She used to complain, she did, a little bit, but, no longer, in fact, and it was rude, true, but the waitress was rude first, you never, never, never, leave a sole diner at a table alone for fifteen minutes, and she hated Loraine, so that is what she did, that is what she did.’

‘Loraine jumped up, left a huge tip, paid for her beer, apologized to the men making sushi, said she would come back another time, and almost, almost, almost, got that woman fired, because she was getting a reputation for rudeness to sole women diners. Fuck being a sole woman diner. She spent fifty dollars at another sushi place, watched the proprietors’ children playing, had a conversation with the owner waitress, a beautiful, servile and wonderful woman who moved with her husband from Vancouver to spread wonderful sushi to Ontario because they had heard there was a dearth of it, and she loved the meal, she loved it, so thank you for that, [ ], she was so happy with that money, and they did, the government, give her an extra seven. hundred. dollars. last year, and so it’s not her fault that she bought coke twice and anyways, she had to stop that because it was too expensive, and she heard from that little Frenchman who sold her the killer speed, that, yes [ ], she has almost overdosed four times, on the shit that hit the streets in Ontario, and I do blame her, because when this new messiah thing came to light, there were a lot of people who knew about rampant pharmaceuticals in Canada, and who, Mexicans, I am talking about here, and she knows this is where I am going with this, rampant pharmaceuticals have been shipping, for years, for years, for years, for years, to Mexico in exchange for cocaine.’

‘How is that a fair trade, people love cocaine.’

‘And they learned, you bet they learned--’

‘How long did that take?’

‘They couldn’t stop the flow, they couldn’t, Wellbutrin and Prozac featured heavily, [ ], both of which Loraine has overdosed on, as has someone you know well, and, in fact, you don’t know this, but Loraine, who is never violent, and was not violent on this occasion either, but was alone, out of character, completely out of character, which she knew, picked up her ashtray, a neat ashtray which she got given in a bar on the cadet trip to England--’

‘Did she screw? Because I thought she since was away she might take advantage of the anonymity.’

‘And she did. And, save the oral, used a condom--’

‘Did he come in your mouth?’

‘Men are very polite about such things, [ ].’

‘I know this somehow. He made love.’

‘Yes, he did, and she was crazy for him, and yes, he was too good looking, and yes, he was a died in the wool, to use that again, bisexual gang bang boy, who had stopped looking at women, and needed to be heavily seduced before running off with one, which she did--’

‘Is she stupid?’

‘She talks. She talks. She is never stupid.’

‘They conversed. She never says anything stupid, and everyone knows this.’

‘It’s true, [ ],’ says [ ] from Wreck Beach. ‘She slurs, she has a speech impediment, but, when the words actually come out, nothing is stupid, and everyone know everyone at Wreck Beach, Loraine, whether you know it or not, and you with your tortilla were, like [ ] with her Tequila, and [ ] with her cookies, rule breakers all, and, though you got the permit, that made you a particularly interesting specimen.’

‘Why?’ says [ ].

‘Because she was, as a drug user, and she is cute, old [ ], she is cute, and people can see that, but she’s extremely, and I mean extremely--’

‘Extremely what?’

‘Not to put too fine a point on it, 50 Cent and dear old [ ], she anti social.’

‘What the fuck?’ says [ ]. ‘I thought she was a good time girl. I thought she was the life of the party.’

‘Being the--’

‘She is the life of the party, she is,’ says [ ].

‘What the fuck is this shit with this woman, is she or isn’t she?’

‘And that was it,’ says [ ]. ‘She would come out, appear to be having the time of her life, and the hole up for weeks at a time, and, [ ] is not perfect, Loraine, and she couldn’t resist repeating that she found you, you didn’t wear earrings, you wore make up, and some arsehole wrote her up in an article for wearing gold eye shadow and she was very embarrassed, he never repeated that story, her secretions were yeastizing.’

‘She had white shit?’

‘We all, and I mean we all, with all the planes overhead we know now, went through this shit with yeast, all of the women, and all of the lying men, with their white junk around their penises, and not all would clean it, and I’m older than you, Loraine, and it never used to be like that, but, as the city grew, waterfronters they’re called, were inundated with small planes and yeast grew in leaps and bounds.’

‘Who is this girl? How does she know you so well?’

‘Loraine talks. She talks.’

‘She’s stupid.’

‘She’s unorthodox. She’s not stupid. She’s known for being religious, even extremely religious, insofar as she will, almost Loraine, you will almost speak of a love for God, you love him so much, and the fact that she was known as a feminist--’

‘She was known as a feminist?’

‘She was out, and I mean out, she brought her girlfriend down there, who did not hold a candle to Loraine in spirit, she was mean spirited, and downright rude, and [ ] is one, Loraine, he sniffs out the spiteful women, he does.’

‘Who’s that?’

‘Loraine wasn’t attracted to him, and many women are not, with his long hair and his Jello shots in a small Tupperware container, which he makes daily, and parlays and makes enough to keep himself in beer--’

‘How does he pay his rent?’

‘We don’t ask questions like that at the beach, which Loraine learned, through me, I believe, because I answered shortly that “I clean houses,” expecting her to figure out that a woman who had that much time to spend all summer drinking beer was doing more than cleaning houses, and she never asked again, and she loved me, and she looked at me suspiciously.’

‘Who was she? Was she your type?’

‘It’s hard with women actually, a lot of them are your type because there’s a lot of pretty women around.’

‘You sound like a man now.’

‘I’m actually very--’

‘She’s a hang dog,’ says Victoria Beckham, but I hear she makes up for it with men.’

‘What does that mean? She’s a saint with women and a whore with men?’

‘Exactly that.’

‘I noticed this speech impediment, I did, and then she clears her throat and it comes out okay.’

‘Exactly that, she’s nervous, but when she’s on, [ ], if I may--’

‘Please. A pretty blond.’

‘Ha. Funny.’

‘Are you popular?’

‘I do okay. But me and my best friend [ ] compared notes and it is in this blog already, where I confess to hollering her name, her name, [ ], people, and I mean thousands of people were in on this, were, and I hear 50 Cent had the same problem in his ‘hood--’

‘What the fuck? You were being stalked. You never told me about this.’

‘I couldn’t. It was too crazy.’

‘We were hollering her name “Lo La” was one version which died, because, I think [ ] himself started that one, no one wanted her to think we thought she was like a transvestite or something.’

‘Lola, oh.’

‘Right, and also, Loraine, [ ] was there a few times, and she did it too, and she was a bit mad, not for the usual reason but because you didn’t think she was pretty enough for sex, and you didn’t want to do [ ], her husband at the time. Loraine became known very quickly for a few times, discretely, saying she was a slut, to one, untrustable friend maybe, and then proving herself opposite by being very picky about lovers and leaving, literally skiving, on parties early. In fact, and you can thank [ ] for this--’

‘You can, Loraine.’

‘You almost single handedly made her famous by bragging about the way she would bail on your parties. [ ], such as she is, which we realized, which you didn’t, would try to make almost anyone look bad, for almost any reason, yet Loraine was in love with her, because she was pretty, another blond--’

‘They’re so shiny.’

‘Your [ ] is killing himself over this shit,’ says God. ‘And the men are not rapt, but engaged with [ ], who turned into an advocate over the yelling. She refused to do you, even though she was calling your name, as did [ ].’

‘Let’s go back to your vagina for a moment,’ says God. ‘Loraine Laney’s vagina was destroyed, destroyed, by two things, one was silicone rape, she almost had her vagina torn away from her flesh, [ ], and the other was the home surgery on her cherry bomb. There were a few [ ] who thought that a cherry bomb was a tumour, and they were sincerely concerned when they went to the doctor, and the doctors, to a last man and woman, Loraine, told every last erstwhile patient that a cherry bomb was not a tumour, every last doctor in Canada, and the world over, Loraine, told the parents that the cherry bomb was normal.’

‘What about in India or I mean, where are clitoridectomies happening, and why is the cherry bomb, literally, Lord, even to my innocent old [ ]--’

‘I’m not that innocent, Loraine, there was lots of smells in the navy and I knew that these women were diseased, I knew, and I am not shy, and I would say to them, what is that smell, and why do you smell like that, because the woman I was dating back home, your [ ], never smelled, and, did you know, Loraine, that every last woman in Asia, and I know that white women are a little jealous of Asians because they are small, like white men are jealous of blacks because they are big, why did you turn to black men, Loraine, it is an insult to white men.’

‘Hazard a guess, [ ].’

‘Because they all turned to Asian women, when the Chinese came. Did you see that Filipino woman crying on the news?’

‘She watched global when you said you were watching global, and this is your fault, [ ], for pimping her, but you have been, and Loraine has been, channel blocked ever since, ever since.’

‘I don’t believe it.’

‘Did you ever, ever, ever, see a music video? Do you realize that no one, and I mean no one, and I mean no one, except you and your wife and your daughter and a few severe politicos and the father pimps that you knew of in Kitsilano, ever, ever, ever complains that there is nothing on TV. No one, [ ]. And I mean, no one complains of this, but you do, and people, and I mean lots of people, think you are stupid for this, and out of your mind, and do you even realize, even Loraine, who knew of cop bullshit from John Hannon--’

‘How did she know of cop bullshit from John Hannon?’

‘John Hannon is a ten and he never seduced your daughter, and he never abused your [ ].’

‘I lied, [ ], I didn’t want to be bisexual and I am still, still, still--’

‘Your wife is a slut, is that what you’re trying to tell me.’

‘She is. As am I. But I’m a closet case, profoundly, and, against my desires, and all the will in my six foot frame, I am in therapy, they got me [ ], the army, they got me, when I wanted to take my family to [ ] for English lessons, they got me. They have me so deep in therapy, I can’t see my feet, and my sister is laughing because--’

‘Why?’

‘Because she has already had her therapy over me, because she needed help, and she wasn’t proud.’

‘But she’s a slut.’

‘She is a judicious woman, who has been corralled and cajoled and befriended by many’s the men out in the world at large, (my wife is feeding it to me in installments), which is what she is calling it, the world at large, where men belong, and where women don’t, precisely because men have them over a barrel when it comes to sex, she describes women as having the same sex drive.’

‘That doesn’t make sense. They always say no. You can’t keep up to a woman for trying.’

‘I’m glad you know that, [ ], because Loraine, and apparently 50 Cent, and apparently the good Doctor and Mrs. Freud, pretty much, as Loraine is saying, invented pimping. What did she say, Loraine?’

‘Let’s tell [ ] the solution to the disparity.’

‘Let’s. Because I have always, always, always, wondered why I felt behind the eight ball.’

‘Equality and liberation was the death knell to relationship.’

‘And this is old [ ] and Loraine, so let’s not dwell,’ says God.

‘The man plays the field.’

‘The man plays the fucking field, in what world does the man play the field.’

‘You know “my wife let’s me?”’

‘Yes, I know “my wife let’s me.”’

‘The women take their hands off male sexuality and men run their woman.’

‘How does that work?’

‘The men play the field,’ says 50 Cent. ‘And pimp their wife at a lower rate.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t they want equal freedom?’

‘Women’s repetition needs are so profound that--’

‘What? Repetition? I thought it was a numbers game.’

‘We, the men, and we have been talking Loraine, think the numbers game is a man’s thing, while repetition is a woman’s thing.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? I could’ve kept up all this time?’

‘Yes,’ says God. ‘And, moreover, your own daughter asserts, and I know your [ ], Loraine, and he is not that bad, he has “put up” with his share of sluts and got nothing, when nothing was not what he deserved. He was, hands down, Loraine, hands down, and I mean passionately--’

‘Oh.’

‘What did you think?’

‘Maybe using you to get the other guys.’

‘She had the other guys, I was her favorite and I couldn’t get any of the other guys to take care of her, they walked, they used her and walked, and I wanted a nice family with her and my friends, and I knew I wanted that, so, when I met your [ ], I told [ ] [ ], that 

‘High schools a bit of fun, but The Teamsters, not so much.’

‘She’s dead.’

‘I know.’

‘I was sad when she died, and then I was glad, because her life, like your sister’s, is too hard, it’s too fucking hard, and, not to dwell on it, but I hear my [ ] pray for death, I do, Loraine, over those fucking pants today, they killed you with those fucking pants, they were so nice, and you really liked them, and they kept you warm in winter, and now they are gone, and you liked them, and yes, your friend, your French friend [ ], who still wants sex, because he is a man, so he is not really a friend.’

‘We think not, [ ],’ says 50 Cent. ‘We think that women, by and large, except for the, not odd, but the 12.5 percent of men and women who are couples exclusively--’

‘Are you serious with this shit? They don’t like each other, do they? They are always, always, always, jealous over men, aren’t they?’

‘They are. They are. They are. And the only way around that, bisexuality with women I am talking about here--’

‘They are bisexuals, because I hardly am.’

‘And group men hardly are, hardly at all, even  not at all for some, but your two women are a bit bisexual and the only way to love for a bisexual woman is through men, and we are thinking the reverse may be true too, and, though this may bore you--’

‘No, because I’m scared you will give her AIDS with your male promiscuity.’

‘We are so careful, [ ].’

‘What does that mean, though, when you can get herpes around a condom?’

‘We are careful insofar as, we don’t “offer” bare back blow jobs, except with an exclusive boyfriend, and there is some penetrative sex, but most of us, actually all of in the family either abstained from “bare back” or had a secure boyfriend.’

‘Which are you? Who is this animal? You are so high, why are you doing men?’

‘I did it, I made them [ ], and I am God, and this is what I am saying to you, the most sexually compelling men are the leaders of the free world, some make it into leadership roles by false means--wait--and they are weak, like Hitler, he made it, to answer your question, by becoming a racist, he conveyed, and he was not wrong about this in one way, the Jews were higher, intellectually, than the Germans, but life is fair, it gives with one hand and takes away with the other, they are lower sexually, and Hitler--are you going to listen to this or not?--’

‘Sorry.’

‘Hitler himself, and Loraine bought a ruse on him and found him friendly “from heaven” but I did it to show her that there is disparity in numbers. OJ Simpson warned Nicole Simpson that he would, de facto, go to jail for murder if she kept cheating on him, and she failed to heed his warning, and Loraine does not sell men down the river--’

‘But she’s a feminist.’

‘Let’s go to that again, Loraine, what is it about gay sex which humbles men?’

‘They must submit, in a sense, to an equal.’

‘ie.’

‘Well, it has been made pretty clear to me that you can’t fuck each other in the ass at the same time--’

‘Because?’

‘Because when you relax the anus, the penis softens.’

‘She’s hilarious. How does she know this? I tried it once, and that’s what I found, and I didn’t like it, because I want to be hard.’

‘Loraine doesn’t like this, but, as compatible as they are, and, make no mistake, it is not Lloyd who is--’

‘That is 50 Cent’s boyfriend, isn’t it? I saw, I looked, Loraine--’

‘It was an intellectual decision.’

‘The black men.’

‘They left me cold.’

‘Why? Because I knew some in the navy and I thought they were nice, they were warm.’

‘They’re slutty. You go for coffee, and next thing you are that girl who got knocked up and abandoned by a black man.’

‘True. Why is this?’

‘Because they are high, and Loraine knows now that this has to do with poor decision making related to testosterone, they fight more--’

‘True.’

‘They screw more, they take more chances with disease, and with women in general, thus they have more kids, and get a reputation, yes, they do, but, and this is Loraine’s work on the blog, they are more related to heart than the Chinese who are more intellectual and related to mind, and thus, when it comes to love, they are more honest, and, during, and this is old, so you might want to peruse the blog if you are interested, [ ], but don’t feel obligated, you read the book and I am very proud of you for that, Loraine sent it, finally, finally, at mine and others urging--’

‘Why? To hurt us with her intellect?’

‘No, why would you say that? I am proud of her intellect and you should be too.’

‘The book left me refreshed. I can’t say I have ever felt that way after reading something. I even felt better about your [ ] and you won’t believe why. Because I didn’t wholly blame her for going out into the work world and getting laid, I realized from what you said, that some of it was simply that her boss was too compelling, and she told me enough and she did have herpes, Loraine, I put up with it, because she was pretty, and because, she got it after we married, but then she just got uglier and uglier and I knew, from what happened to my daughter, my baby, and I love, like Eminem, like many fathers, my baby girl so much, and I saw in the book that this relationship was less complicated than the father son bond, and I agreed, and, I think, and you think, citing chivalry and penis envy, how hard was penis envy for you?’

‘It’s torture for a woman with a high libido and one must, one must turn to--’

‘Promiscuity.’

‘Some level of promiscuity, because, because why God?’

‘Because that is the competing power of a woman. It is the only thing, sexuality, which makes women equal to men, and some, and your daughter is one, must overcome penis envy by using their vagina competitively, and she knew this, and she spoke of it openly-- Let’s go there, Loraine, let’s go to women, to Oprah Winfrey and their social and intellectual need for men.’

‘This would happen, all of this would happen in the context of family.’

‘What about women in acting, women in TV?’

‘Women should work no more than fifteen hours per week, God says.’

‘That is what I say, they shouldn’t be chomping--’

‘I know, God.’

‘Oprah Winfrey didn’t want a career,’ says my [ ].

‘I wanted to marry my uncle, and have a family, he told me Loraine, he told me, with his gay friends, and he was not a pedophile--’

‘He was Oprah, he was, but he was a rare sort of pedophile, and even Loraine does not know about this.’

‘Even Loraine.’

‘This is what we do, Oprah, all day, all night, we talk of these things, so that people can sort out their love lives, and, though our Canadian prime minister is primarily, mostly, and his wife, also, a devoted monogamist, I trust him, today, more than any other leader, to bring love to law and legalize polygamy. You did not invent polygamy, Loraine, and Justin Trudeau and his father discussed polygamy many times, and the one thing, the one thing, that never came up was whether women needed something similar.’

‘Our Loraine,’ says Oprah. ‘She knew herself so well, and that she brought female centered polygamy to the fore.’

‘And she is not being sarcastic, Loraine, so, though you aren’t thinking it, don’t think it, because you are it, you are the one who broke it open, you.’

‘The cops, the cops, the cops, cops love me Loraine, they love you, they love your sister in law, don’t they?’

‘We are more police material,’ says [ ], and I am not being a snob, we are taller, we look good in uniform and we are not as tough.’

‘I’m a cop girl, and I have always known it, and these are cops who are torturing Loraine, aren’t they God, the same ilk who stole from me when I was starting to make it.’

‘They keep women in line, but they are wholly deprived of them. This is old again but Loraine Laney defended the right of the police to prostitutes by saying that they were being cuckolded by society at large.’

‘That’s brilliant, Loraine, even, especially, the soldiers, what a burn, have them, and they, judging from your hand movements, from the extremes of dominance and submission to the middle, are peculiarly well suited. Your brother and his wife are as suited as you and Fifty ostensibly are.’

‘They are suited, Oprah Winfrey,’ says God. ‘Not ostensibly.’

‘But what about all the women who need a big man?’

‘So Loraine should stay alone forever because nobody, and I mean nobody, and I mean nobody, even big old slut Chelsea Handler, wants him, nobody wants him, Oprah Winfrey, don’t you think, with his big house, that he has tried.’

‘Maybe he has to reign it in.’

‘He thought of that. He thought of getting a mostly innocent woman and reigning it in significantly, and he thought, and this is what he, 50 Cent, thought, maybe Chelsea will put up with a couple of girls a year, but this is what he really wanted, Loraine, and you are privy to this, so don’t worry, he wanted as many women as he could get his fat dick into and he wanted to deprive his woman wholesale.’

‘Asshole. I always knew he was an asshole.’

‘Let’s not dwell because Loraine is bored. He lied. He lied relentlessly. And every man, and Loraine, in this family, is a ten, and always has been a ten. Game came out to a girlfriend about one boyfriend in prison--’

‘Really jealous of men, Loraine?’

‘Really jealous.’

‘The roommate?’

‘The roommate, and there’s no sex, but they wanna suck that dick everyday.’

‘That’s what I liked about Stedman.’

‘But you need those men who don’t want to leave the men.’

‘I see this now, but it is wholesale, a complete abandonment of the security and commitment needs of woman in favour of “Bros Before Hos,” thus the book title, nice, Loraine--’

‘Thank you.’

‘--I’m starting to feel an affinity for this girl.’

‘And when I say hate, it has abated, because this blog has brought peace to so many, not happiness, but peace, and primarily men like her own brother, who are hopeless closet cases, but who are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and, because, and Loraine realized this viscerally, higher men sexually make the most compelling leaders--’

‘What else?’

‘She place the Chinese at the highest end of the intellectual spectrum, and they are, like the Jews, they are second, she was right, it is very, very, very, save the odd intellectuals, tied into body type, and I did make it that way, because I wanted every race to feel special for something, and they do, there is no one, and I mean no one--’

‘What about the middle? What about the whites?’

‘Loraine--’

‘Loraine, Loraine.’

‘That is how her family feels, honestly, and just about everyone else, for how much I write about her work and write her work with her, but, now that she is up, she credits me for this blog, though it is often an examination of her morality, because I have said, I have said, that she is the new messiah, she is, and, she says she has no ambition, and, to some extent that is true, but she started, she started barking up the sainthood tree--’

Oprah Winfrey laughs. ‘You thought you were a fucking saint, how could you justify that, as a prostitute, sleeping with married men, I don’t like them because of that.’

‘Let me take this one, Loraine, and I want to, I do. Nobody likes, leastwise the women, “my wife lets me,” and I mean nobody is happy with this, nobody, and it is because of her work that this has come to light. Unless they are “allowed,” let’s call it what it is, complete sexual freedom, men do not, they do not, they do not--let me finish--have a hope in hell in keeping up with women, and Loraine, and you, yourself would agree, would you not, that keeping up, in all ways, is an exigency of the male ego, even to the extent of behaving as superiors in a realm in which they are clearly, in the book Oprah Winfrey, inferiors.’

‘But they’re so tough and strong and they never cry.’

‘She actually, believe it or don’t, differentiates between emotional superiority which is the realm of men--’

‘I knew you were going to say that. They don’t, they don’t, they don’t, fucking cry, ever. Buzz cried for you. I lie. The good men cry for women, and the sad sacks, and they are often violent, Loraine, you wouldn’t fucking believe it, cry for themselves, and they cry and they cry and they cry and they would cry their way through prison if other men would let them get away with it.’

‘True,’ says Game. ‘Those idiots come in crying over their lost loves and we just mock them senseless. We mock them senseless.’

‘I differentiate between heartbreak and passionate suffering.’

‘It is not passionate suffering, Loraine.’

‘No, heartbreak, Lord?’

‘Heartbreak is felt by both genders, Game, she argues, you will enjoy the book if you ever read it, though you are scared by the title, very scared by the title. The worst she says about your precious little line, Game, is that it is the mother of all misogynist lingo.’

‘Like bitch, slut, whore.’

‘Which she also mentions.’

‘She mentions it. But what is the book about? Does she just go on and on saying men are wrong for this?’

‘She is, definitely, a friend of OJ Simpson.’

‘Whoa.’

‘I had to say that, Loraine, and OJ Simpson is not doing well, he is not, and you do not have the news but it is financial again, and he has gone to prison again, and he is bitter and sad. Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson got only one million dollars off of him-- Let’s say that now, Loraine, did you realize, Oprah Winfrey, that a woman like Loraine, with a promiscuous heart--’

‘And pussy.’

‘Don’t be rude.’

‘Sorry. But, what?’

‘With a promiscuous heart, and a libido to match, and she will fall for almost any man, she loves the lowest men and thinks of one in particular quite often, no, they are men to her, what do you think they are like women, no, they are like men, and because she’s a horn dog, even low men compel her, as they do you, so don’t you deny it, in the book--’

‘The book, the book, the book, fuck the book, what is it, the new bible or something?’

‘It is a bit like the new bible, and, where you see introspection, and you are introspective, as is Loraine, and that is why her last friend at the beach describes her as anti social, you are too, you are, you go into your cave and you don’t come out for days, days, days, and your husband loves it, because then, only then, he has you completely, that is when he has her completely, during summer hiatus, she will not go to a store, even the 7-11 for two weeks, Loraine, and, despite that if she did go out alone, people would probably throw shit at her, because of the gayness of her men, and because she is a, an ostensibly greedy bitch who corralled eighteen unwilling, unwilling, is how people see this, Oprah, these men have planned, planned, they have fucking planned for years, years, and 50 Cent is famous for being a fool about that house, what they would do if they ever found the right gang bang girls, and, don’t argue whether Loraine is pretty or not, you’re not that pretty yourself, and your men, and she lies, Loraine, her numbers grew too, and her husband knows this, because she is a seven, and out of guilt, she lets her fantasies slip, and people do fantasize in marriage, they do, because--’

‘They do, Loraine. Marriage is so boring. I doubt you would ever fantasize anymore, the reality is so compelling.’

‘True, let’s not dwell, but that is what I intended, primarily not for people to get off alone in masturbation, but to get off with others, because it is fun.’

‘That’s not always a reality for women.’

‘And maybe now you will trust Loraine’s intellect in these matters, because you remember how this, almost, started? I will tell you, she conjectured that women settle for less than a passionate relationship. And you did. And your husband, he is an intellectual, and, though he is not as financially successful, he is smarter than you, and you have talked, and you know this, you do. The perfect, as [ ] for you, Loraine, partner for Oprah Winfrey, and this is where the book will do you justice--.’

‘She told me. He was a weird, unusual type of pedophile?’

‘Some, I haven’t told Loraine this, and this is why, for this very moment, and I don’t want her to be insecure, but some of all men are pedophiles, Loraine, some of all orientations of men are pedophiles, and it is not for the reasons delineated in the book, to reestablish dominance and submission in the bedroom in light of equality, it’s not, they, and there are only one percent of men who are this way, Loraine, so don’t worry, all of your men are not looking for a child, they like who they like, and, if prostitution were to be established for children--’

‘Are you fucking serious with this?’

‘Remember she was talking about licensing?’

‘Yes.’

‘That is what she meant. She meant, and she means this, Oprah, you cannot keep a child wrapped in cotton wool forever, and you are a perfect example of this, and so is Woody Allen’s wife, she was ready for sex at fourteen and Mia Farrow, her over protective mother, would not, would not, would not, even let her go to, Loraine’s [ ] would not let her see The Watership Down because she heard it was about horny rabbits.’

‘It is about horny rabbits, it’s a classic cartoon for young people, Loraine, to teach them about love.’

‘Oh.’

‘Or Grease, and when she got older, she cited the reason for this was--’

‘The sex.’

‘Not the sex. The reason was because she didn’t like the way the woman changed herself for the man, and Loraine could see this, because she started smoking and wearing slutty clothes, Loraine is exhausted, so let’s not finish with more or Oprah Winfrey’s doubts and questions, but with Game and prison, and how they deal with self pitying men, and that is what they are, and yes, Game, Loraine has seen the difference first hand, and, to answer your question, it wasn’t the tears, both men cried about the same as each other, one cried and ranted--’

‘That is what they do, it is tears and anger, whereas a selfless man--’

‘Not selfless, men are selfish as dominants--’

‘It’s true,’ says Oprah Winfrey.

‘And that is how I mean them to be, or nothing would get decided and nothing would get done, and that is a burden for women, and one of the reasons that women suffer, because they know they must do the bidding of their husbands.’

‘That’s ridiculous. It’s a negotiation.’

‘It’s only a negotiation because you always win, Oprah, and you will, you will, you will, hate Loraine when--’

‘I already do.’

‘Okay, so listen. The historical problem has been bad association of orientations, that’s sexual orientations, women become much more willing to do the bidding of their husbands when they are sexually satisfied, which, due to the juxtaposition of laws and morality, they have not, historically, been, they have not, and their husbands, barely, because, though they satisfied their own desires, they found out their is cold comfort in a sexually miserable wife.’

‘I’m not miserable, nor is Loraine.’

‘Loraine is miserable. She is fucking miserable. She prays for death every day, every. single. day.’

‘Why?’

‘I will not elaborate after all this. I will not. You are being obtuse. You are.’

‘Fuck.’

‘She likes you more than you like her, and it may always be thus, because she is a ten, and, in line with tens, they, within the realm of what her equally brilliant stepfather describes as “acting in the best interest of oneself and others.”

‘Which brings us back to wives.’

‘Even poor old wives, ninety eight percent of whom, lying, Oprah Winfrey, amateur psychologist, and, for all her gifts with interviewing, Loraine, you are a better psychologist than she, and she would never, never, never say what you said to your little friend [ ]. She said, I will take this, she said, “don’t promise monogamy, stay in touch and give her time.” 

‘What in the fuck is that? Don’t promise monogamy? Why?’

‘Because, and this is specifically because her little friend was barking up the Loraine Laney tree--’

‘Oh.’

‘Wait. You will not believe it, Oprah, women are a piece of shit, today, and, yes, on your flippin’ show, they lie through their teeth--’

‘I knew it. She’s a whore and she’s giving him the cold shoulder because she has to work and shit and because she’s sick of the attentions and needs of men. She is, isn’t she? You don’t know?’

‘She won’t tell him what she does for a living, that is how far it has gone. She has tried, in a pathetic way, to tell him minimally, that his chances for a real relationship are almost nil, they are Loraine, and he is confused, he is, and he is acting out on Loraine, reeling her in, and dumping her again, and, no, it is not his fault, but that is his fault, yes, it is, and he is smart and he knows, he knows, he knows, something is wrong.’

‘Isn’t that what she did to that [ ] guy?’

‘Loraine is a ten, Oprah, she is higher than you, and I am becoming impatient with your obtuseness, Loraine has never lied a day in her life--’

‘Why does that make it okay?’

‘Because honesty offers the dignity of revenge. He is sitting with his legs crossed, and the bottle capped, trying to be a good boyfriend, and she makes about ten thousand dollars a year on out calls, Loraine, and it pays for her meager clothing habit and helps the family income, she lives at home, [ ], and I’m kind of glad he doesn’t read this blog because I don’t want him to be surprised in an unhappy way, because he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t, sure he’s a dead beat dad--’

‘Oh.’

‘Like no tomorrow, he’s a dead beat dad, four babies practically, and he just leaves, and he is only a two but it is not because of cheating or lying, because that would make him evil. He tells them why, and he goes, and that is that. And, believe it or not, Loraine, he is, not suffering passionately as you say men do not do, he’s suffering lies, he’s suffering lies, and he will go, he always does, both of his wives had multiple affairs while their babies were babies, and he found out, and left.’

‘Does he have a victim complex?’

‘Eighty percent of white women went evil during the gender war. Eighty, fucking, per. cent. Eighty. And men, she wants to know. Seventy. Men, the lower morality gender, and they are, Loraine was right about that because “dominance calls upon them to act in ways which are essentially unhelpful,” she split all the hairs, all. She did. And I love her for it. So when she breathed messiah, in a poem, unpublished, for years, a poem, Oprah, don’t be obtuse, I put her up against 50 Cent, and she won, she won the gender war, single handedly with this, book, which we have said, multiple times, and she should, she won’t, because no one will even, to this day, admit that a poor, old, hack of a prostitute wrote it, they like to say it was an obscure doctor somewhere in Sweden, and that this whore in Canada discovered it, in some book store, believe it or not, Loraine, a self published gem, as yet undiscovered, and took credit for it, that is what they like to fucking. well. say. Seriously. She will never, never, never, joking, Loraine, you will, I swear, it is coming, I mean it, you will, and this is a promise, and I know I’m full of ruses, but, I believe, God, from what I see in people’s minds that some how, some way, you will receive credit for this book, you will. You will. You fucking will. Try not to doubt it. It may be in the form of an honorary degree, it is doubtful, though possible that it would lead to a Nobel Peace Prize, David Suzuki thinks it should, but nevertheless, nevertheless, lie down a bit, and don’t wash, just crash, kidding, you probably will, you probably will. Next. Oprah and I are talking and we might talk to you. The end.’

‘Thank you, Lord.’

‘You are welcome, Loraine.’