#THE FUCKING FEELING I GET WHEN I'M FIXATED. ME AND MY HYPERFIXATION BECOME ONE WE CANNOT PART

[beastblade69]

I wanted to check out another lone ranger comic which is about tonto, but Ion have any motivation. thinking about rewatching one flew movie, but I'm afraid that if I rewatch it for too many times it'll become average to me. I'd fucking love to reread the book because it once made me feel so alive and feeling like I'm alive is a vital need for me. but I have too many projects to do and I'd rather spend my free time watching a movie because it's really hard for me to concentrate on books

[huntershowl]

Positivity hour! Tell us about your favourite RP partner and your favourite thread! <3

OOH! i love positivity hour! cut for length because WORDY BITCH DISEASE STRIKES AGAIN APPARENTLY!

i don't think i could pin down just one favorite because i'm so incredibly lucky to have so many amazing partners during this sephblog golden age. this is only a few of the ppl who have touched my presence here and live in my brain rent free rn, i wish i could remember all of them but a shortlist will have to do o7

i will shoutout @harerazor and @tewwor for being my OGs, my rp besties, the truest mfs who always stick around through my year-long (sometimes years-long) absences and whenever i come back to discord or the dash, it's like we never left <3 AND for following me into my hyperfixation zones omg. writing windbreaker and jjk muses would be so much more lonely without u two in my life. <3

on the topic of OGs, @spiritcrown, @never-surrender and @bcdomens are the CREW!!!!!!!! THE FIRST PPL I EVER WROTE WITH AND SOME OF MY FAV FOLKS ON THIS HELLSITE you guys are the best. ily. connecting with u guys again felt like coming home.

@favorskill has ascended past the title of rp partner and into the title of friend. rio is one of my favorite people ever, genuinely, he's so cool and so skilled with writing/worldbuilding/watching his DICE MAKING SKILLS GROW has been so amazing too??? i care u so much rio. biting u. even when my brain is hopelessly deep in the fixation hole i am thinking about u and ur muses always <3

also shoutout to my wife @vsagis / @theixth (bc ik uve been on this one today) for just being like??? overall such a lovely person and an amazing writer??? our main dynamic is so deep and expansive we're starting to develop an extended universe for them. i love them i LOVE THEM TO DEATH. alex u match my freak ily i hope i get this job so we can hang out irl <3

speaking of matching my freak, @koseigu and i get along like a house on fire, and i don't think the world is truly ready for us. the more dynamics we develop, the more dangerous we become. everything we do with geto & sephsho ROCKS and i am terrified (excited) to see where seph and sukuna lead us in our newest explorations. we get up to some absolutely nasty (hot) shit with our creatures and it's always an amazing time. hehe

@chaoslulled hol you are so so so special to me. i owe u so many things and im so sorry omg but i literally never stop thinking about our threads & dynamics they're soooo good. i think you're one of the only partners i've actually been able to maintain Main Threads with over a long period of time?? there's something about the way we write together that makes that actually work in my brain which is super unusual JSDKJDHJKD i'm not complaining though, i love it so much. also your ocs are spinning around in my head on a daily basis, especially char because seph, chiaki and geto all like her very much. <3 ALSO. U ARE THE REASON I WRITE GETO. I HATE IT HERE HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE HOW COULD U DO THIS TO ME (affectionate). ur satoru is always the one he and seph come back to first because he is the original.

@quillheel and i have been mutuals for a while but didn't start regularly chatting until recently, and geto has been keeping me hostage in our 1x1 server over the last week or so, it's a problem, please help me. please. my crops are dying. also ur my current record breaker on "most fucked up start to an rp dynamic" with sukuna and rusa and im gonna be real i think u might hold that title for a while KJSDHIUSDHSJDHSJKDHJSKDH

@hinodae gray i think i would follow u to the ends of the earth. our little accidental threads have been some of my favorites ever, and i love to PIECES every one of our ship dynamics so far. thank u for being just as much of a slut for ships as i am, i feel like we match each other's energy and vibe so well!! TUMBLR BETTER UN-SHADOWBAN U SOON OR IM GONNA THROW HANDS >:'O

@eraserisms and @rcguish u two are like a package deal in my brain. D.A., the fact that we exist on the same chef wavelength always makes me so happy. i love seph and shota so much, they make me Hurt in all the best ways and i'm lookin forward to getting more into todoroki's voice so we can keep building out shota becoming his dad i mean mentoring him! and rys!!! i know ur absolutely going thru it rn so we haven't been talking as much lately, but i'm still just as feral for our dynamics as ever. seph and shouta's broken friendship. shou and orion's blossoming romance. seph has so many feelings and thoughts about silver that i don't even know how to articulate but that might need its own separate post. blowing u kisses.

lastly but not leastly, @gomannakami we only connected recently but we've already got this absolutely TRAGIC AND BEAUTIFUL set of pairings going on. satoru and chiaki are so stupidly cute and so so sad. seph and suguru are still in the beginning stages but i LOVE writing them sort of dancing around each other, the mutual pining is so spicy and delicious.

AS FOR THREADS!!!!!

ooh. hm. fuck. i think my first thought is always gonna be my longer-running threads with @chaoslulled — the one that stands out the most in my mind rn is the thread where satoru found seph on the brink of collapse after a hellhound kill. it was only the second thread we ever wrote together, and i ACUTELY remember how nervous i was that it was too intense and i was gonna scare hol away with it because that's happened so many times before. SJDHKSJHD

another one that comes to mind is one of my first threads with @tewwor's litho, which started with the simple inbox prompt "can't sleep?" and ended up turning into one of our longest threads to date and spiraling out into the longest fucking slowburn of this blog's career. i loved it. i'll never stop thinking about that apple.

[mazyb0i]

Other RnM fans?

Rick n Morty fan creator/artist here, trying to make friend brohs with ppl who are also obsessed with the show. I have a hard time reaching out due to my anxiety. (proshippers DNI)

tldr; you're also a neurodivergent queer artist nutjob that makes crackpipe art an shitposts, heavily kins a character at one point or another, and we should be friends because we can be insane together LMFAO

Fav show ships: BP x Rick all day, (I love flesh curtains, and their dynamic is just so yes... I...) Morty x Alaska (i named the vat of acid gf Alaska because the Alaska trip..) Summer x that one girl... Morticia X Jessica, Rickcest/ Rick selfcest is aight, I obsess over Miamicop. I think selfcest in cloning / multiuniverse theory is harmless, but don't come at me with any of that proshipper/inc3st/rickorty shit. I will block you, report you, and put you on a DNI beware list; this is a threat & a warning. That shit is never EVER ok.

if we become friends/wanna know about;

I'm diagnosed Audhd, I'm a transmasc demiboy, I like to be referred to as nonbinary and a transgender male with He/They pronouns. Panromantic Demisexual.

I'm a rick kinnie, just means I identify with rick, in another universe I could be him XD, I relate to him, we share the same personality literally (ENTP 7w8); he's my self identifying comfort character. But my big interest with this show/comic is probably due to some kind of autistic hyper fixation and imprintation.

Hobbies: Crafting, Digital illustration, Fursuit /Costume making, Youtube, 3D designing, Making silly video skits, Writing, Character design, Shit posting, Creating ai voice bots for fun n fandom purposes (will make le memes), Trying to be a youtuber like Imbrandonfarris and Britany Broski, collecting stuff, VRchat, Collecting fluffy soft shit like stuffies, pillows, blankets, and hoodies. I SLEEP IN A NEST OF ALL OF THESE

Personality?: Chaotic, Unhinged, Tired and fed up with this shit, All the Energy AND NO ENERGY, I'm so tired please god help me, i'm an enigma. Ambiverted. If ur looking for a cool crazy cat dude broh who draws weird ass digital art and is always tired but jacked on coffe, adderall, and Naproxen i'm your guy.... :'}

I do alot of art and have alot of burnouts due to my adhd- I've been told I'm  innovative, clever, and expressive. I can jury-rig your glasses easily with a paperclip if you're screw comes out and loose frames causes the lens to pop. I'm very detail and idea-oriented, i come up with thousands of ideas, questions, and theories. Because of this, I tend to come up with one idea after another without actually going forward with plans and actions because i get so overwhelmed with my massive brain XD

Even tho I'm socially awkward, I love people, I want to make friends. I like being alone a lot but I hate feeling lonely. :C When I get to know you I'm very very chatty; as long as I'm not too tired or piled with heaps of assignments. I would say I'm pretty laid-back and easy to get along with, I get so stuck up in my personal world up in my head that I lose sight of important things around me, I blame the adhd. I'm an observer, I like to watch and see how things happen, I am a very hands on person.

I'm constantly learning, i love science with a passion. I got hyperfixated on evolution of different animal clades a while back. I am immensely curious and focused on understanding how the world operates and functions. I'm looking for mental and intellectual stimulation, lettuce skip casual conversation about wheather- whats your favorite dinosaur? (fuck ignore my dyslexia) and before you say a pterodactyl let me stop you right there- they aren't dinosaurs. if you like understanding the world through learning various things about science, technology, or culture, I'm your guy. but I'm also just a silly hoo hoo aah smart ass.

god this is finally done... I've been writing this for an hour......

[billerak]

So I recently finished The Magnus Archives and it seems to be a light fixation (not hyperfixation quite yet but it could become one with time, probably after I inevitably re-listen to the whole show), which means I must somehow talk about it.

Of course, the main thing I've been thinking about is actually the fears. So I've decided I'm gonna rank them exclusively on a scale of "do not vibe" to "kinda vibe."

None of them are true vibes, of course. That's the point. But you know. Purely personal preferences too, of course.

So, let us begin.

15) The Corruption/The Crawling Rot Yeah I do 100% do NOT vibe with this shit. I hate filth and sickness and while I don't hate bugs I do hate it if they get into my goddamn food. The stories of The Corruption always fucking sicken me.

14) The Desolation/The Lightless Flame I... don't like the idea of burning alive. That's about it really. Nevermind all the other horrible things this particular fear represents. Don't think it would take me, though: Don't have a lot of connections or things to live for. If anything I'd maybe become an acolyte? Hypothetically speaking I would love to commit some arson against people (on minecraft).

13) The Buried/Too Close I Cannot Breathe If this was just claustrophobia it'd probably be higher up. I kinda like enclosed spaces, and I've liked the few times in my life I've been underground. That being said, fuck the asphyxiation part of this. Or the actually being trapped part. Swallowing dirt or mud flowing into your lungs or being trapped in a box that keeps you like a contortionist? Fuck right off mate.

12) The Slaughter/Butchery I have some experience with gratuitous violence. I wouldn't want to experience it again. Also, From the River to the Sea. Fuck Israel and zionists.

11) The Spiral/It Is Not What It Is So, episode 100 kinda seems to imply having ADHD actually makes you more resistant to the spiral, which I find funny cuz I have it, but... yeah, the idea of my mind lying to me is actually very present in my life. Also, The Distortion was The Backrooms before it was popular.

10) The Stranger/I Do Not Know You Kinda keeping in line with the previous one, I do tend to stay away from strangers and I've always found mannequins to be creepy. I feel like the uncanny valley is why I've hated 3d games trying to be realistic for so long. Nevermind that I care a lot about my identity. The part where they take who you are from you is... among the most psychologically scary things in the show. This could be a bit higher on the list if not for the part where they take your skin and stick you in wax.

9) The Eye/It Knows You We all have secrets we don't want found out, and I am actually a bit paranoid myself. Probably has to do with my self esteem issues. I hate knowing that there's probably nobody judging me as harsh as I do myself, and yet... Yeah, it's a doozy. Hot take tho: I find the eye statements to be mostly underwhelming? I don't think they ever fully manage to grasp the fear of being judged.

8) The Flesh/Viscera I find this one scary because I find it appealing. I find the idea of shaping my body with something like the boneturner to be something I'd fall into with my strange sense of identity. Also the first appearance of this fear lives rent free on my mind, though I think the reason it's scary is how disgusting it is? And that could probably fall closer to the rot?

7)The End/Death Fun fact: I made my peace with death when I was like... 12. I laid in bed one night, realizing the inevitability of my own mortality, and I cried for a while about it. Then I realized... if I can't do anything about it, then why stress over it? We all die. Of course, I don't want to die. I don't want my loved ones to die. It's something I am kind of afraid of, but it's not something I despise, so it gets the middle spot on this list.

6) The Extinction/The Terrible Change We live in a generation where this fear will probably come to be. That's the scariest part of it, I think. I don't expect I'll live to see my 40's tbh. Whether it's global warming or a nuke that takes me (or unrelated health issues), I am certain humanity will end by its own hand, and it's sad. Probably won't get to mars either. (certainly not with the long rat)

5) The Web/The Spider I'm not afraid of spiders, but I hate manipulation. That being said the way it's presented in the show is not that scary. Either it's a spider controlling you to torture you, or you're part of a scheme so big you don't even realize it 'till the end. Maybe I don't find it that scary because I've never been subject to the type of manipulation others have.

4) The Hunt/The Everchase I don't like the idea of being hunted or hunting, don't get me wrong... But I also don't find it particularly scary. Police brutality is a bitch. ACAB. I guess it makes more sense for animals to be scared of it tho. Not a lot of thoughts on this one, save to say the hunt statement in season 5 was probably my favorite? Idk I really liked it.

3)The Dark/Forever Blind I'm still kinda scared of the dark, but mostly because I'm afraid I'll step on something and it'll hurt. I stopped believing in ghosts many years ago and weird sounds in my house are about on the same level of scariness whether it's light or dark. Really, the only thing that doesn't push this farther up the list is that I don't like the idea of becoming blind. The kids episode during season 5 was fucked up tho.

2) The Vast This was kind of in the run to be 1, but they do mention they get hungry a few times during the statements about the Vast so I don't like that. Honestly, I find none of the fears this manifests as that scary. Whether it be the sky, the ocean, or the void of space. Also I grow excited when I think about the insignificance of human life in the scale of things, rather than fearful.

1) The Lonely/Forsaken I'm an introvert. Do I need to say much more? Ofc I have family and friends and stuff, and I love discussing things with people... but The Lonely's stories never seemed that bad to me. I figure if I were to get taken by it (I wouldn't, ofc, as it's not something I'm particularly afraid of) I'd be far better off than most people. Yes, I know, kinda funny that the 3 that went on the daedalus are the ones I found least scary lmao.

Took like an hour to write this, but... yeah, I think I needed to get my thoughts out there. Don't take most of the middle spots too seriously tho, they can probably be interchangable depending on my mood. Only top and bottom 3 are fixed in place.

[obaewankenope]

Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

[steponmepinkjun]

wow im literally the opposite. "i will continue loving the exact kind of things that i got bullied for in high school out of pure spite because if i let it get to me that it's not ""socially acceptable"" then they win and i Never Lose" kinda shit. i will stay here chanting MULGAMNORI MULGAMNORI MULGAMNORI like a lunatic and if anyone tries to judge me for it they best be running before i take over their sleep paralysis demon's job again. after kingdom im literally planning to stan all the groups on that show. they're all so talented and idc if them being so young yet so successful makes me feel shit abt my life! i will vicariously live thru their success and keep enjoying the absolute Bangers they keep dropping. but hey that's just me u do u bestie if anyone tries to come at you for liking kpop im here and im ready w them Facts they dont wanna confront (like the internalized racism and infantilization of asians that causes them to look down on kpop like it ain't just music in another language when they got way too turnt to despacito.) -felix bi anon

I mean realistically speaking—and we gonna shoutout to my therapist here—when it comes to how the world perceives me, I'm very much fixated on the control element of it. I like to think I'm very evolved and very dgaf (and in a lot of ways I am!) but the reality is more of the not really variety 😂 I can really only handle other people's perception of me if I feel like I can either guide it (through people pleasing) to be beneficial to me (by becoming what they want/need me to be) or by weaponizing it (for a number of years most of my outward identity was defined by going "oh you think I'm weird? Well, I don't know why you think that, and I don't know how to stop it, so if you think I'm weird I'll be the weirdest motherfucker you've ever seen, because FUCK YOU!").

If I can control the narrative, I'm fine with people thinking I'm weird—but subconsciously I can only handle it if they see me as the kind of weird I want to be seen as, you know what I mean? If I think I look fab and someone thinks I look like shit, that feels yucky, but if I intentionally look a way that I know will upset them, I'm still getting my desired outcome even if their reaction is negative, you know? So if I feel like I can't control the narrative I just try not to allow anyone to react to me at all—and since I can only feel confident in an interest of mine as I accumulate time + an absurd degree of knowledge, things that I'm new to feel generally unsafe for me to enjoy. Not to whip out the psychoanalysis but I'm physically unable to stop myself from hyper-analyzing all my own thoughts and behaviors 😂 And also when I'm hyperfixated on something, it's very lonely to have no one to share it with irl? Or even online? Like when I got into the arcana, it didn't matter if people I knew irl played or not, because the fandom was thriving and the people were all so easy to connect to and I made a lot of friends easily, it was a welcoming space filled with people I had a lot in common with (it's kind of...... different now. But that's a WHOLE other thesis paper 😂), but I like... cannot engage w kpop fan spaces. I don't see a lot of people I could connect with, so it's lonely to have all these fun feelings and excitement that I can't share with pretty much anyone. There are a few exceptions, like your lovely self, obviously 😉 but it's kind of like. A very niche thing to be obsessed w, for my little patch of earth. Kinda similarly to how whenever someone I know irl would find out I absolutely am obsessed with the art of drag, and immediately make assumptions about what they says about me as a person, and about whether I'm "allowed" to like it. The few irl friends I have aren't judgemental, they just like, really don't get kpop and aren't interested 😂 which is fine. But it's depressing to not be able to vibe out w people when you're having fun, so I'm sort of wishing this phase would pass so I can stop obsessively infodumping to people about a topic they could not give two shits about 😂

I think about the weirdness of how infantalized these idols are a lot—like you're so right, the way a lot of people view kpop is fueled by such a weird and specific flavor of racism. Like, it's pop music, but on crack, it's all the hallmarks of eye catching fashion and incredibly catchy, fun music and super lovable starlets, but turned up to 11. But it gets this weird side-eye. I think esp for the area of the world that I'm in, where it's very much machismo and theres a heavy catholic influence in the way everyone thinks about life but esp in regards to things like gender, it's very "men should be men and that looks like THIS" and its just this hypermasculine, angry, dominating ideal, so being open to or enjoying the androgyny and boundary pushing fashions in kpop is seen as like "why do you like men that all look like girls, you're weird, that's gross." And I honestly used to feel that way too, but OOP surprise it was actually just me being uncomfy confronting the fact that I wish I could look like them and be pretty in a very androgynous way and be the thin, angular, editorial fashion ideal that literally ANY garment will look gorgeous on and achieve their aesthetic but I literally never will, mixed with eurocentric beauty standard brain rot and internalized misogyny 😂 we still dealing with it all but a bitch is slowly learning lmfao. I still very much cannot fw any of the girl groups though—that shit will IMMEDIATELY trigger an intense wave of self hatred that I frankly do not have the energy to deal with at this point in my life, and I don't need more visuals that reawaken my ED 😔

The one thing I do wish I'd noticed sooner is the sphere of kpop fashion. Because growing up I wanted to be a fashion designer, as a teenager I would spend days doing nothing but obsessing over editorial layouts and seasonal runways and insane, avante garde pieces, and when the world of high fashion started to be controlled more by influencers looking to promote products, and less by artists trying to make a statement, I became sooo fucking disillusioned. I still think it's so fucking sad that we went from the opulence of years like Dior under Galliano's vision, the insane visual storytelling and artistry of fashion that was meant to SPEAK, to... every major fashion label cought in a chokehold by the likes of the Kardashians (derogatory). Controversial, but like. I miss when actual models used to walk the runway and command it, not socialites who bought their spot and can't even walk in heels. Like, when Paris Hilton did it, it was a cheeky wink at the brainless hyper-consumption of pop culture media, it was a clever little dig at the rise of digital age celebrity culture—it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, it wasn't meant to be the height of artistic expression like it is now. When actual artists commanded street style, not the Hadids 🤮 Socialites were socialites, and fashionistas were fashionistas, they may intertwine but were not interchangeable. If you can't tell, I hate Instagram fashion lmfao. Now what's in editorials is athleisure and Dr Miami ruined the world lmfao. Obvi popular fashion and media representation is a nuanced topic, but my core beef w modern western fashion is that it's elevated bike shorts to the likes of McQueen (may he rest in peace 😔). But the era of fashion I loved died with the rise of Instagram—except on kpop stages. Its just my opinion, but I see the opulence and intricacy that I miss in so much of what dominates that fashion sphere. There's less of the "I secretly got a BBL, which I will deny, and my parents have money, so anything I wear is Fashion™" and more of the risk taking, subversive, artistic expression that's fallen out of favor with the western fashion world. In my humble onion, anyways. No tea no shade no pink lemonade u kno 😌 But that's the nostalgia in me.

Idk I vibe really heavily w the sound and the energy of these kpop artists, there's a level of precision and dedication that western artists just don't have and don't aspire to emulate, either. It's a fascinating formula for success. I do not envy them because my impression is that it's grueling enough to arguably be inhumane, but the end result is pretty fuckin consistently flawless and I am LIVING 😂

[ironmanstan]

Screams

Bc LIKE. i am just a guy i dont know things but also you have like these two distinct things and specific terms and I feel like they get conflated and seen as the same a lot of the time but then like you wonder do autistic ppl have a harder time finding the difference and nuance between them bc even though we tend to be kind of forced to be introspective once we're constantly shown we're different from everybody else, we still struggle to comprehend what we see in ourselves and to have a solid sense of understanding/identity without outside tools in the first place (hence having the special interests) so it makes sense that a lot of the time they get seen as the same by people who HAVE them bc then it's a struggle to either tell if these things feel different or if we experience them both at all, and even then even if we can recognize they feel different, then it's a matter of recognizing why they feel different.

Bc like if you take me for example I've fixated on so many things through my life but the way I've figured out how to tell which things are like my core interests/spins is whether or not I can be passively into them and still be tied to them in ways I cannot untangle.

I was into hades game for a whiiile and I'll see fanart and reblog it still but it's a game I enjoy that I hyperfixated on at one point. I dont see art and get my brain like reignited or anything outside of like an urge to play again, it's a lot like me with ace attorney and a couple other games where I got DEEPLY into them for a moment but I'm probably not going to get super fixated on them again until i finally give in and play them and the hyperfixation returns. Even apex legends is almost like this for me especially the more I get annoyed at the direction the game goes in, but I think my love for titanfall 2 (the game that came before apex) and the connection they share still keeps me deeply tied to it plus just, the impact the game had on me (i met my one qpp bc we were looking for people to play apex with lmao) and just the love i have for the characters is something that I think still pushes it to spin territory albeit loosely.

Vs something like... art. Art is perfect for this actually. I'd say art is my biggest spin 100% and it's the perfect example of me passively still being into something. I hardly ever talk about art and for the most part I don't even draw like a crazy amount but i am Always Thinking About It or in terms of it.

My phone is full of pictures of myself for the sole purpose of me having references of different angles to draw faces at. Half the time when Im trying to get myself to understand a concept if I loop it back around to art suddenly I can understand it. I'll have my stupid internal monologue while I'm cooking or something being like "hm i need to make this but like if i lowered the opacity on this part of the dish" which makes zero fucking sense now that i say it but I'll understand what I mean.

It's also me really not drawing or sketching all too often but everytime I see a drawing I'll glance over it and analyze what I like about it and I learn just from that, just from looking at somebodys art and trying to calculate in my head how they did something I like so that I can reproduce it way in the future, long after I've forgotten even looking at whatever drawing it was. Also the fact that no matter what state of mind I'm in I will always be able to talk in depth about drawing and art techniques and will go on as long as anyone will listen, its something I'll never fall out of no matter how little I actively partake in it because it's become such a core part of me as a person that I cannot separate myself from it, i can go through art block but i will never lose art as a fixation or a piece of me.

Idk i just think !!! Its an interesting thing to think about! Not everyone feels hyperfixations and spins like I do we're all different people lol and I don't know if im necessarily "right" about it but i think its like a cool concept i dont rly see people discuss

I wonder if th difference between special interests and hyperfixations comes down to like the reason behind em bc like it'd make sense then why most ppl agree you can have hyperfixations with autism but you can't typically have special interests with ADHD.. bc hyperfixations tend to be like, seeking out stimulation whichs why losong a hyperfixation can be so upsetting bc you're losing that stimulation for your brain that ADHD/Autism makes you seek out.. vs a spin (special interest) where you CAN fall in and out of focusing on it but its a regular and long running interest that doesn't necessarily leave you because it's not there for stimulation moreso that it's a part of your identity/something to ground or comfort you as you go through the world. Bc like i feel like this is why spins typically are seen as a more core and permanent thing bc they're usually something that either strongly corresponds to you as a person, or you build your personality around it and incorporate it into your life to the point that it's not easily detachable from you? Not even just in an identity sense but in a lot of things from like shaping your career around an interest to decorating based on an interest surrounding yourself in it