#THATS THE KIND OF LOVE!!! IVE BEEN DREAMING OF!!!!

[sideblogdotjpeg]

have been thinking about professor sol even. professor bufo with no clearly discernable lesson plan. sol bufo ostensibly martial arts professor who spent two weeks running a yoga and meditation program and shows up to the next class with crochet hooks for everyone. professor bufo who is technically supposed to be assigning grades to students but hasnt given anyone less than an A because "i think they worked really hard and they did a great job :)" (referring to the ugliest and most malformed pot holder anyone has laid eyes upon in their life). professor bufo who is on his way to cluelessly kickstart the sexual awakening of about half the cohort of the academys new students. sol bufo adjunct professor who is gone half the year and his first class back is so immediately and easily baited into going into a long tangent about how cool his friends are. sol who is pretty sure hes easily the most useless professor on campus and almost cries when he sees his little desk overflowing with thank you notes at the end of the year. professor bufo absolutely fucking gloriously hot in the tightest little sweater vest because there were faculty complaints when he wore a crop top to class.

[3416]

thinkin abt this. and thinking about mitch realizing that he'd never get the full suburban nuclear family hockey best friend life with auston.... thinking about the little adjustments of expectations they've made about each other and their futures together....... thinking about where they are now and might be later on.

[sylvanpriest]

[animutate]

man i dontthink i can be in a real relationship ever again im just starting to process how everyone has treated me HORRIBLY

[thestarofcottonland]

twice now i have had dreams that seem to span days wherein i reconnect with [man i posted about a date with licherally last year] and am more intimate with him than i ever was......i had a boyfriend for five months since we lost touch and i had a date just last week that went very nicely.....why am i being tormented ! i have never stayed hung up this long this is insane!!?!!

[writermuses]

@xwhiskeymuses

[onesmallbee]

I think I've cried more in front of my partner in the two months we've lived together than I have with anyone else since I was under like 7

But it makes sense, too, because I've never felt so safe with anyone else

[pseudocyance]

everything I know about the iskall situation, starting at the beginning

putting this together for @cryptidwithaninternetconnection everybody feel free to reblog and repost this information)

Trigger warnings for sexual harassment, harassment, mental health issues, depression, implied suicidal thoughts

Please read all of the links! Everything underlined is linked to more information.

This post has and will be edited to add additional information

started with this tweet from Hermitcraft, it was the first thing we got about anything:

Heres Doc's reaction at being asked about it

here's Mumbo and False:

And then there's this from the Vault Hunters discord:

Thats everything we got day 1

Day 2 was when the victim statements came out.

#1

#2

#3 - I don't have screenshots because I don't have Twitter but here is the link

And then nothing happened for several months.

Then, yesterday Iskall put out a video.

Here is the transcript

Stress left this comment on the video

Since the video, here are some responses from Impulse, Cub, Scar and Cleo:

And here is everything I've found that Wells had said (he's saying a lot so by the time I post this there might be more):

These could also be about Dream as Wells been very vocal about that situation as well.

(This is an edit. I was just sent this from Wels about the "short story"

)

That is all of the stuff I've currently collected, I can reblog this with more stuff when I receive it.

please @ me with any mistakes I made here, but don't harrass me based on the stance ive taken. I will block freely.

My thoughts (my biased opinion) are under the cut

I think Iskall is in the wrong. He did shitty things and didn't apologize, instead victim-blamed his way through it. I'm also incredibly disappointed in Stress. I believed that she left due to feeling betrayed by her friend, but I guess she left because she supports him. That kinda really hurts.

But I also think that a lot of the other Hermits, especially Wels and Scar, went too far with their passive aggressive posts. This person was their friend so they should be treating this situation more seriously.

Obviously, them being childish with their replies instead of directly addressing the situation doesn't mean Iskall is in the right. He's a bad person that hasn't apologized for anything.

I know this is kind of a sign of a parasocial relationship, but I feel really betrayed by Iskall. I started watching Hermitcraft in s7 and loved his POV so much. Now i can't force myself to re-watch s7 or finish s6, just because I know he was a bad person all along.

Idk. I'm really tired. And frustrated. And hurt.

[feukt-42]

Elden ring + Shadow of the Erdtree lore thoughts

Alright, so, first off, obviously, spoilers ahead.

I've been thoroughly enjoying and getting my ass kicked by SotE and what ive seen of the lore so i wanted to ramble about it.

I specifically wanted to talk about how Elden Ring explores power and godhood.

In the base game, godhood isnt seen as inherently bad. Marika's golden order is fucked up six ways to sunday, but the blame mainly rests on Marika's shoulders it seems. She's a genocidal homewrecking war-mongerer who threw two of her children in the sewers bc of racism, she's not a good god, but it doesnt portray the problem as her being a god, just her being a mess. The game provides several "solutions" to unfuck everything :

Ranni's ending has you completely throw the system in the trash. She says, fuck it, godhood's the problem, im out of here. She is kinda right, but the lands remain fractured and the power vacuum left behind is going to be immense. We're on the right track but could be better.

The frenzied flame ending is just pure concentrated nihilism so i think we can move past it for this one.

The bunch of other endings are fairly similar : you beat Marika/Radagon's ass and you impose yourself as Elden Lord to keep her in check and fix the issues you see as most important. This doesnt fix anything long-term, the god in power is still the exact same fucking mess but with a chaperone now i guess.

None of these endings are very satisfying, they all leave you with a sense of "it could be worse i guess" (except the frenzied flame one but you get the point). This is where Miquella comes in :

Everything we hear about Miquella sounds great. He's kind, compassionate, against racism, doesnt like violence, etc etc. Cherry on top, he's even one of the characters with a direct shot at godhood, brilliant ! Why cant we just put him in charge, he'll do much better than the absolute wreck we have right now.

And thats where the base game leaves us, Marika is a fucked up mess of a person, and the obvious solution is to put the much better Miquella in her place.

Shadow of the erdtree, on the other hands, aims to set the record straight. The problem wasnt just Marika, the problem is inherent to godhood in and of itself.

In SotE, we see the land of shadow, the realm where Marika came from and ascended to godhood, and the realm where Miquella intends to do the same. And the more we hear about who Marika was before in snippets of lore, and the more we watch Miquella tread the road to godhood, we realise something :

There is no such thing as a good god

It doesnt matter how kind and compassionate you were, what your morals were, who you loved, who you loathed, none of it matters because you cannot grasp the power to become a god without sacrificing who you were before.

In the dlc we see Miquella shed more and more of himself, his flesh, his arms, his eye, his heart, his doubts, his fears and even his love. Miquella has shorn so much of who he was that he formed an entire new person (St Trina) from it. Some of him remains, he still wishes for a kinder world, but he cant sacrifice anymore of himself for it. Now he has to start sacrificing others.

Miquella was always blessed with the ability to charm others, and he sees it as the least painful path to make others do as he wishes. And so he charms his sister, he charms Mohg, he charms Radahn, his followers, Leda, Moore, Thiollier, Freyja, the hornsent, Ansbach, and everyone he can convince to give themselves up for his dream of a kinder world, regardless of the pain they might cause or feel by being enthralled by him.

And oh boy do they feel pain. Mohg is used and discarded like a ragdoll, and his followers and dynasty slowly crumble to nothing as the last pureblood knight watches helplessly, himself entranced by the one responsible after he failed to kill him. Radahn's soul is shoved in a corpse so that he can play consort to a god that is his antithesis, depriving him of his glory and honour as lord of the battlefield. Malenia is left alone to rot after Miquella has no use or help for her, and she endlessly waits for her brother to return. Every one of Miquella's followers has to grapple with those feelings of betrayal, manipulation, and lost memories returning all at once. It is by no means painless.

And so we end up with a god that is not much better than Marika was. On his path to godhood, Miquella has caused as much pain to those along the way as his mother once did, in this very same land that still feels the scars of Marika's ascension.

The only way to gain power is to take it from everyone else, and that cannot be achieved without pain.

[mars-syndrome]

sooo if ur somehow stumbling across this randomly nothing about this post will make sense unless youve read this fic https://archiveofourown.org/works/57909193

but hey, that promised bingge pov post! (full disclosure i am writing this before ive written the sqh scene so some info may be repeated!)

binghe was aware of sy’s nature from the very beginning. he knew it was demonic, but meng mo was the one who let him know about the concept of demon dolls and how theyre created. when he chose sy for qing jing, he was fully convinced it was actually a demon doll with sqq’s exact soul/copy and wanted to get ahead of whatever revenge he and/or yqy may be planning.

meng mo also told him that since sqq’s been dead yqy had probably used his own soul to help ‘create’ sy so both of them were hesitant to use their dream manipulation incase it let yqy know something was up since they could be spiritually linked and lbh’s half demon status was unknown plus he’d be the first person yqy would want to blame. while he wouldnt use dream manipulation since it was spiritual based, he would use the blood parasites as insurance since it was fully physical.

upon meeting sy, he began to have doubts about whether it was sqq’s soul. hence the fungi mission. he used that mission to judge just how human or demonic sy’s body is and also gauge his reaction to not being affected by the spores if his body was demonic to tell how “in the know” he was. when sy was genuinely confused and just accepted whatever explanation lbh gave him, he concluded sy knew absolutely nothing at all and shifted his focus to actually making sy care for him.

his confrontation with yqy after the fungi mission was basically yqy and lbh trying to psych each other out about how much the other knew. it ended with lbh implying he knew what was up, that he could reveal yqy for colluding with demonic cultivators and/or demons, and that he wouldnt let sy get found out unless yqy does some shit bc hey, thats his disciple. so up until now (chapter whatever this is linked on) they’ve operated under a strained truce that yqy stays away from sy and lbh wont reveal them.

for lbh getting close with sy was just a fun little side project. after all, a little sqq who adored him more than anything in the world? sqq would be seething and rolling in his grave. it doesnt hurt that sy was so earnest and cute either and him being on the peak made nyy happy so he was fine with getting some revenge like that.

in the fic’s og pidw, this grows into lbh desperately craving affection and validation from the kid who looks so much like his shizun who withheld it. he’ll grow codependent with sy, but the relationship stays very much master/disciple. on some level he’s aware that though sy does genuinely care for and admire him, hes playing out a role to receive lbh’s protection.

but in the fic our sy, earnest and naive, found the jade pendent.

this is bingge, two decades removed from the abuse he suffered. he’s had two decades to get stronger, to realize the world bends to his whims. to realize no matter where he goes he’ll have women falling over themselves to get into his bed but none of them will ever truly love him and what they give him is shallow. to realize he’ll have men envying him and wishing him harm just for being better. this bingge doesn’t have mobei-jun or any wives to share even the illusion of closeness or companionship with. he has nyy yet she’s been relishing in her role as da-shijie and hes happy for her truly, but he’s been alone in the bamboo house for 20 years.

when bingge meets sy!sqq in svsss who shows him just two days worth of normal domestic kindness, he immediately wants to leave with him. so how would our bingge feel with our sy, who he’s had unrestricted access to for 2 years, who holds genuine affection for him with no ulterior motive, who admires him openly and unashamedly, when he returns the very symbol of his happiness and the last bit of true love hes ever felt?

“precious fake jade indeed” he said

this fake sqq, this flawed copy of the man who tormented him, gave him back this fake pendant that he held most dear, that he lost hope of ever getting back again.

was that not symbolic? did that not make shen yuan his as well? did that not make shen yuan another symbol of love for him? did shen yuan not hand himself over to binghe when he handed over the pendant?

he begins objectifying sy almost. this was his person. obviously if sy was defective for yqy’s purposes, then wouldnt it make sense for sy to have been made just for lbh? after all, who else could cherish and protect sy like he could? yqy let him out of his sight long enough for him to becomes lbh’s so he wasnt fit. sy cant look after himself. only luo binghe could.

the mission he took just after sy’s 16th birthday was to track down the demon clan responsible for sy’s creation and learn more about it to see if he could sever and/or work around yqy’s connection. as soon as he learned everything, he returned and used dream manipulation (after he figured out it was safe) to walk through sy’s memories like svsss bingge did to sqq. he realizes sy’s memories are gone, he and meng mo conclude it was probably an error in the connection to body and soul bc of the nature of demon puppets. but hey, a wins a win. sy has no affection for yqy and the fact sy is loyal to only lbh remains unchanged.

speaking of, he should probably make sy his head disciple officially so yqy cant make any accusations about lbh’s inappropriate closeness to his disciple, no matter how true they are.

[ar1mas]

- a rant

no because ive watched this stupid show 5 years ago, and i only noticed this now?? how???

ok. some context first. this is about fox' gotham, a prequel series to batman. or at least a potential one with slight changes. one of those changes is the relationship between oswald cobblepot and edward nygma (spelled with a 'y' for mayhap legal reasons? idfk its silly). whats their relationship like in the show? well...

theyre gay af. idk what to tell you.

okay so oswalds gay as fuck. edwards... ambiguous. totally ambiguous. he had a girlfriend or 2 and a half (kristen kringle, the-woman-who-shall-not-be-named (aka kristen but... blonde? this show is weird), and lee. not comfy counting lee, but technically shes one, hence the 'and a half')! very straight, much hetero (on another side note how tf is oswald the gay one, like i know he wears make-up and shit but eddies all about theatrics and showmanship and flair and hOW IS OSWALD THE GAY ONE NEXT TO HIM?? ok anyway).

so oswald was (is. be real.) canonically in love with ed, ed was.........., and 'penguin in love' is a piece of music composed by david russo for season three in which the whole "im in love with my best friend" thing took place.

that song has been used all over season three, as far as i can tell not once in season four, and once in season five.

.....or so i thought.

because yesterday, while in another obsession phase (of which i get one a few times a year. ive only ever watched the show once, in 2019, when it ended. still dream about nygmobblepot though. i dont dream about media, like ever, but with them, its different), i saw 5x8 to satiate my never satisfied craving of nygmob scenes, obviously skipping the main story bc i dont care about that straight shit. i got to the scene where oswald kills mr. scarface and frees arthur penn from said mr. scarface, after which ed shoots him in the head because thats what one does in such a situation, thought "aw how cute", again, as one does, and then realised.

what was that background music just now? rewinds.... oh. oh haha, its 'penguin in love'. how fun.

WHAT.

WHY IS THAT IN THERE. WHY DID THEY INCLUDE IT.

correction. it wouldve made sense to have it here. they used it in 5x5 for the speech about not backstabbing each other (wedding vows for murderers fr fr), so using it again after their relationship has solidified wouldve made sense.

note how im saying 'would have'.

because it would have made sense, if they used it when ed said "i accept you for the person that you are, just as you accept me for the cold logician that i am. thats why this friendship is great." they didnt, though. they used another equally heartfelt song for that. dunno what its called, it sounds a bit like 'penguin in love' but isnt, not sure if that one has a specific meaning like 'penguin in love' does.

so when was the song used? at 36:08 – 36:17. barely ten seconds, right before eds lines, right before ed kills penn.

...right when penn was sitting in oswalds lap because theyd been fighting for the gun and os fell on the ground.

now. the most obvious answer to "why in the fucking hell" would be because ooh this dudes on his lap so sexy, but no. no. 'penguin in love' is about one specific thing: love. the pure kind. the kind that makes you giddy with butterflies in your stomach, kicking your legs, while youre on your bed, writing in your diary about this guy you have a crush on. and oswald and penn do have history, oswald was more or less fond of penn, but not in love (i mean where would he have found the room in his heart if it was already filled with EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD martin my sweet boy EDWARD EDWARD EDWA-). im also definitely not thinking that penn was so happy about being free from mr. scarfaces influence and not having to kill oswald (oh yeah, the horror. who would wanna kill oswald, the guy with the big ego, who never does anything for anyone without some kind of endgoal- well, unless your name is edward of course) that he instantly fell in love with the guy. i can deal with the homicidal kind of crazy, but that? no. thats where i draw the line.

the next most obvious answer is that it was about oswalds love for ed. more believable, since its what the song was made for, but more believable doesnt mean believable. or likely. because even if i 100% believe that hes been loving this dude for so long its not something he has to think about anymore for it to be true, im pretty sure that itd be very random to suddenly focus on that when oswald was just about to die. so no, even if its what the song is intrinsically about.

so next most obvious answer is- wait. thats it. huh? theres no obvious answer anymore? everything else is brainrot? oh. oh well. its been five years, im sure its too late to worry about it now. what the hell.

im sure you know where im going with this. or maybe not. honestly idk what the fuck im talking about-

youre smart. you know what im about to say. if it wasnt about what oswald was feeling because he was otherwise preoccupied, and it wasnt about penn because that makes no fucking sense, then who was this song used for? who else was in the room?

...oh.

YOU.

YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. YOU STUPID DENSE PIECE OF-

inhale, exhale. no. don’ get mad, you know he cant help it. you know hes totally helpless when it comes to emotions. just breathe. ok.

i hate him. i hate him so much.

if the song wasnt for oswalds sake, it was for his. because i know hes in love with oswald, but does ed? does the producers??

'penguin in love' is about oswalds love. its about his love for edward. its about their love, their relationship. its about edward just as much as it is about oswald.

a-fucking-PPARANTLY, I DIDNT KNOW THAT!! I JUST THOUGHT OH YEAH OZZY BE THE GAY ONE HAHA FUNNY, I DIDNT KNOW IT COULD BE ABOUT ED DIRECTLY!!!

(why am i like this? what is my life? i will never be normal.)

ed has always been the obsessive one. first kristen (and the woman who shall not be named is just an extention of that ofc), then oswald, then lee. and as weve seen with kristen, when hes obsessed with someone, he can become possessive. absolutely not on the scale oswald is on, but still. theres a wee bit of jelly there. oh you have a boyfriend? better get rid of him! oh you wanna run away from me bc i murdered your boyfriend? better keep you right in place and- oh shit did i kill you? ono D:

this is a huge oversimplification, but you get the point. its there. or at least it has to be there because why else do you get so angy that someone is sitting in the lap of your just friend because they were fighting and they ended up in that position totally accidentally? like thats not normal behaviour, for anyone, unless you have possessive tendencies.

i mean its not like penn was a threat in any way. "he wasnt the threat, the dummy was the-" like i understand ed told penn about the submarine which was supposed to be a secret, but come on, like they couldnt make sure penn wouldnt say anything. so why would ed shoot him? its not even like penn was a random dude where that type of thing would be very inconsequential, oswald knew him. hed worked for oswald, and like i said, oswald was more or less fond of the guy. penns just a poor little meow meow, y u kil him eddie? 🥺

unless this fondness was part of the problem. unless ed saw how happy oswald was to see him, got annoyed but let it slide, then used penn attacking os and knowing about the sub as an excuse to kill him. and why would oswald being happy to see penn be a problem to ed? it wouldnt be. it wouldnt be, unless ed thinks oswald is his.

which makes sense. i know im calling him names and calling him out, but like. oswald told him he loved him like 5 times 2 years prior, i dont blame him for believing that maybe theres something to it (especially since that was the point of 3x14, oswald really being in love with him and surprising himself with it). but i thought ed didnt feel the same way? because hes very hetero? because he had a full-on girlfriend before, twice, technically? because-

"the truth is oswald, you would sacrifice anyone to save your own neck. even me."

"like i said! you will always fail, because youll never change."

hm. i know this is a bit off topic, but i just got a war-flashback and... why did ed sound so hurt when he said that? "youll never change." "you would sacrifice anyone. even me." why does he care? they were friends, best friends, yes, but why does he sound like a heartbroken wife who just found out her husband cheated on her again? why does-

"honestly you deserve this. you are opportunistic, your loyalty is.. shaking, at best, and you will hurt anyone, anyone, to get what you want."

"and yes, i was not a good friend. to you or anyone. its why im alone. but i saw you for what you are and i valued that!"

...why would edward nygma, the man who literally said "i dont love you" to oswald, be jealous of even the idea that maybe penn could have something going on with oswald? and why would he act on it if hes usually so careful to not reveal his feelings (unless its about kristen. the original obsession, the american dream, the just be normal, show them you are normal, and people will accept you)? he wouldnt.

unless oswald just told him that he knows he messed up. that hes sorry for it.

and unless that made him think that maybe theres a chance.

"love is about sacrifice. its about putting someone elses needs and happiness before your own."

"you gave up your revenge for me?"

a chance... for what?

"life begins anew."

"shall we get to work?"

and if theres a chance, hes not about to risk losing it. not this time.

so maybe 'penguin in love' is about more than just oswalds feelings. maybe they were trying to tell us that, yes, we see you traumatised gay kid, were sorry this is all we can give you, but here you go, eds in love with him too, but don’t tell the channel. subtlely. just for barely ten seconds. and maybe it can be enough.

nope, it wont be. im gonna sit here crying about the injustice of not having them kiss on screen in the finale as was originally intended for the rest of my life. seriously though, what is this, nbc's hannibal, where im noticing something new details every single time i watch the show, causing me to spiral? no, i was already spiralling. the spiralling was the reason i rewatched the scene. the scene simply made it worse.

so yeah, im done freaking out about a mediocre show that was cancelled 5 years ago and is honestly not worth anyones time (like, its ok. it might even be better than i remember since its been so long. i doubt it. but its ok).

tl;dr: ive only now realised that a specific gay song plays in a specific episode of a show i watched 5 years ago and the only reason theyd include it in the episode is if the dude that was not canonically in love with the other dude was in fact gay, they just werent allowed to make it canon, so they added the gay song to subtlely tell us about it.

have a wonderful day, hellsite. dont do what i did and go crazy about fictional gay people. i know you will though, that’s why im here too. i hate gay people. these two make me homophobic so bad, i wanna gauge my eyes out and skin myself-

[captain-clandestiny]

made it another year.

a bit of a personal comic, but just some feelings i wanted to get out.

I've... been kind of lost lately. I'm far from abandoning the development of Bluesleeves and the other stories i've been managing on the side, yet i just cant find it within me to create actual art lately. Something im proud of, not just a doodle or scribble or joke. And as i celebrate another year of life, it gets heavy. The guilt of inaction weighs more on my head and my heart with every day that goes by. But... I cant change.

Thats not to say i havent tried. God, ive tried more times than i can count. Ive tried more things than i can remember. Nothing works.

Or... nothing has worked.

And im starting to realize thats the key. Not some trainer on my ass, or another bummy improvement app. But hope. Hope, when kindled right, feeds to so many other things. Resilience, in the hope that things will improve. Discipline, in the hope that it'll all pay off. Sociability, in the hope to make some friends. Kindness, in the hope it can help.

But hope can lead you down darker paths too. Hope, burning bright, is ambition. But ambition, overwhelming, can turn to desire. And i let my hope get ahead of me. Looking at everyone else in this insane online world, my hope was changed. I began with a hope to create a story. Which turned into an ambition to amass an audience to love it as much as i did. And, as expected, kept evolving into a monster of jealousy, inferiority, and doubt.

Why can't I reach heights like them? Is mine not good enough? They have it all- why can't I just do what they did? Why won't it work?? How do I get them to listen? Something I'm doing wrong? Maybe I'm the problem? What if this is where it ends? Did I peak here? Did I do something wrong? Does this really matter???

It goes on and on. A monster, really. And when your passion project becomes an objective- a chore, is it really still from the heart?

...

this birthday has made me realize that i've gone down a wrong path. I got distracted, turned around, and now lost. but coming to that question- if any of it really matters, its never me that answers. rather. its my creations. why would they be here if it was all indifferent? why go through the labor that is constructing a story if it never meant anything? the sleepless nights of storyboards, countless sketch pages with a thousand portraits of one character? obligation does not drive that kind of devotion.

so for the first time in a while i looked inside my head for the answer. ignored the demon, the likes and ratios, and focused on this mysterious force instead. and there it was.

all of this was for hope.

my hope.

that my dreams would become real. my visions realized. and most of all, that somehow, it could help someone. anyone. even just one. because all i'd ever wanted was someone to help me. and if i could keep just one more person from growing up like me, that would be worth it all.

the purpose of Bluesleeves was not to attract fame, attention, or money, but to help. To convey a message (more like several, actually), to help people learn, and to make them wonder. entertainment is a powerful way to communicate knowledge, after all.

and while i can spend my birthday with this burden, wallowing in guilt over all the time i wasted and my simple misdirection, that wouldn't accomplish much. What matters is that i found my hope again. inevitably, i'll lose track again, and ill be lost once more. but what matters is that i dont stay there. that i keep moving. keep falling, but lifting my chin after every stumble.

this sounds sappy and awful, and honestly im losing my train of thought now, but i just needed to express this. for me. from me, to you. this is what ive been dealing with, and im sorry i havent been so active lately. it may be a while, but i promise you, im going to make it happen. i just need a stable mind before i keep up a stable posting schedule, haha.

some of this may help other people struggling similarly, or just be complete gibberish, i dont know!! because im sure not going back to read allat!! thank you, YOU, for reading this far. or if you skipped ahead down here, um, hi i guess.

thank you, every single one of you for your love and support. At the end of the day, no matter how hard, it still seems so impossible knowing that i've reached some of you with my stories. so out of this world that i could make you laugh, cry, smile... that i could make you feel. and that very impossibility means more than you could ever know 🫶

[strab3rr]

ive been thinking abt a week? to delete my account or my story but u know what idgaf anymore because its just gonna give those people more courage for accusing me of being a liar

oh u dont know what im talking bout rn how cute

I was in the hospital til 2 days ago. as a patient. and i believe this happened bc of some jealousy bitches (or im just bein a drama queen)

ik it sounds like im blaming someone but irl yes i do blame someone

in dog years i blame those bitches

last week? i dont even remember what the day

mom got sick again but its okay shes fine now and then i had a car crash🪩🤩🪩my phone died in the crash literally died i had to buy a new one do you guys have any idea abt how much are this things in my country i really dont care abt the money but be for real wtf actually

i answered all of your questions carefully and with kindness i tried to be there for you guys and the moment i tell you abt my success story i had an accident! um sir wtf am i really being dramatic rn? cause ive been thinking bout this for days and theres no other explanation even if there is i cant see

so here it goes,,, i was just chilling in my home and then i read a dm about a girl that she wants to get in her void and as always i explained how she can get in but she kept ask me about how to get in but like girl hellooo i literally told you how. r u kidding me is this a social experiment to evaluate my patience? and then i said to her that this is the only thing that she should do for getting into

she said, no you are lying it cant be like this! bla bla

i transformed to this cat at that moment this is real me now.

anyway at the end of that conversation she said that im lying, if any of these(my manifestation results) are true then i should show her bc she have "doubts🎀" aww for her doubts i should reveal my self in her home bc she have doubts🎀 i should transport there with my void and show her how to do it irl thats what she asked me no- thats what she commanded me to, she was like "do it" and i was like "what😃" i said no ofc what do u want me to say, ok lets do itt lets break my privacy togetherrr let me get in your void for you and again let me do make your dreams comes true yayyy itll be fun right😍😍😍

i dont even know what to say to that

maybe this?

u think im joking which ur right bc i am

but its kinda serious here buddy what should i say to you when u command me to get in your void for you, like how can i reject you and still be that kind sister for u?

anyway i said no to her and she said im a lair and i broke her heart with my selfishness(then i blocked her ofc)then i go out w my friends this is the part i got hit by a car😇

opened my eyes into the white light like im a mf drama movie character

while im in the hospital i thought i can delete my account and can get rid of this bad luck/shits once and for all but again its just gonna give those bitches courage and they think that they right

"loa is a cult and everyone is a liar bc they cant prove bla bla" dont u dare to blame me for your failure

you didn't got in AND you want me to do it for you???honey im sorry for your loss bc it seems like you just lost your dignity yeah we just buried it u missed such a precious moment🥲

and guess what i have nothing to prove you i literally dont have to prove anything to you. like for real. if you dont believe the story can u just move on please? bc i dont give a damn shit about your insecurities, your doubts and ur blablabla

its literally on you girl BC IT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MF REALITY? LIKE DO YOU REALLY NEED A MANUAL BOOK FOR THIS?

im sorry for being a bitter today but i really feel like this(bitter), so not sorry maybe😗

but i didn't mean it when i said idgaf to ur insecurities.. i do honey its just been a rough week and i dont know how to put my anger in to the words

it can be a evil eye 🧿 or i just might be a drama queen sooo.. again sorry(?) if anything offends u, i love you guys but its just so complicated here(my head) and i just dont know

and now im just being weird w all this nonsense

i should go now, i will return your dms asap just need some rest

loves, siena

[s-che]

"fuck around with it" as a design goal

one of the things ive been thinking about lately in rpgs is like, games that let you sort of just dick around and chat and figure stuff out and still feel like they (the game) meaningfully contributed to ur experience. like in a recent session of beneath pirate flags we spent maybe an hour and a half making characters and talking about a world and then maybe another hour building one (1) setting element. and thats not because that process cant be done faster, and its not because we kept getting distracted--okay, we did keep getting distracted, but that's sort of my point. even as we went down all these different side conversations and tangents and media references and conversations which weren't meaningfully "productive" in the sense of "generating a story" i never felt like we weren't playing or like we weren't playing beneath pirate flags specifically. and i think that's really neat!

to be totally clear, i can think of lots of games that i love that dont do this, often intentionally limiting the ways you can communicate with your coplayers. i think thats interesting too, but thinking about that as the only way we can design for chitchat and distraction presents a kind of norm/alternative structure where "free conversation" is the zero that we design from by restricting conversation, whereas i think i'm trying to a way of designing positively towards this state (something like dream askew/apart’s idle dreaming). i also don't know why it happens in beneath pirate flags specifically. in my experience picklist-heavy games generate this feeling more often (sasha winters's girlfriend of my girlfriend is my friend is another good example of a game that ends up sitting in this space for me a lot, i think) but i dont know if that's because of the picklists or just correlation. maybe i just like to fantasize about gay ppl.

anyway, yeah. something to design for in the future. neat!

[correctproseka]

random but i need to tell someone:

in Ans gekokujou card im pretty sure thats nagi behind him i was simping really hard yesterday and noticed that the designs dont mirror like i had originally thought. i thought the picture was An standing with his back to the younger version of himself, like the version who was still unhurt by this (like its such a huge betrayal of trust and ive heard other players mention how before this event An treated everyone on vivid street like family calling everyone by some sort of familial term but after this event that stops) as the current version of An pushes forward, wounded yes but with her head held high. but having the person behind him actually be nagi is so much more heartbreaking and meaningful because An has to literally put the memory of someone who meant so much to him and inspired him so much to rest, nagi will always be a fixture of Ans past she cant come into the present with him she can no longer guide An towards his future and his dreams, at least not in the same way

Yeah that is Nagi!! If you look closely, the outfit kind of resembles a hospital gown.

The Machi/City event shows how much An appreciates Nagi and the street for being family.

Then we have Gekokujou, where An learns the truth, she's hurt and angry at everyone, including at people who have always been with her, for not telling her before.

Even if An knows Nagi was right, she would've given up on music if she knew about it before Kohane.

After that bombshell, what we have related to that is:

On the fes, where An is singing alongside a Nagi figure, An gave up in trying to run after Nagi, An could never reach her after all, she's not there. But at least they could sing together, so An could smile.

And then its this event, where An yells this:

I truly love her arc over the city and Nagi, she has reached acceptance. Maybe a part of her wont ever truly forgive her dad and the city, or even Nagi, but she has decided to forget about that, they did all they could, and now it's up to her to make sure she follows what Nagi has trained her to do.

[seeminglydark]

i think it would be interesting to see in like a dream sequence or a flashback of what caro and john thought their lives would look like if they had been able to run away together.

I've drawn a little chit chat in bed/daydream of a peek at this, talking about how it all might have gone down differently if they'd got out. I'll post it in a little bit, but yeah! Thats something Ive always wanted to explore, The Plan au.

They probably would have waited til Caro turned 18, so their parents couldn't drag them back. Caros a little bit older (half a year) than John so hed just drop out and they'd get in the car and leave on a particularly bad night. He'd have hesitated so long because he'd be worried they'd ruin their future for him by leaving. They think they only way they have a future is to leave.

They'd make a lot of stupid choices, as you do. Caros Impulsive, and if John had never gone to jail and had so much of his spirit crushed, he'd be just as impulsive. Lots of fighting, arguments. And being broke. Caro wouldnt be crazy famous, because John acts as a shield and thus they'd be less Seen (their current fame does have to do with the fact that they are a supernaturally visible and Seen). There would be no Mil-Liminal, because there would be less ghosts and Caro never would have taken that job at a gas station in just the right spot for activity. They'd have gone to Seattle, and still done smaller modeling gigs, and done pretty ok. John would work some kind of labor job and play music on the weekends. They'd have a tiny apartment above a bodega.

He'd get to be there for them. He'd be the one to cut their hair, hold their hand during T-puberty. Talk them through it. They'd have a jar on the counter where they'd both put tips and loose change to save up for caros top surgery. Theyd have laughed a lot. Kissed a lot. Been in young love. And through all of that, stupid decisions and hot heads and two young kids trying to make it in a big big world, I personally like to believe no matter what happened, they would have made it together.