#THAT dynamic made me unwell and insane. but that's the ONLY one that will be allowed in my house.

[jennycalendar]

is it jenny/xander?

i will DEFINITELY keep answering incorrect guesses because i think they're super funny.

that said, i would actually rather run into a wood chipper than even entertain jenny/xander after all of the incredibly bad male power fantasy "xander and jenny bond over how much they both hate angel and are right to hate angel" fics i have read in my quest to Read Everything Jenny Related On The Internet. actually this ask has given me so many flashbacks. i have seen things no man should see. i truly cannot have a coherent take on jenny/xander outside of "kill it with fire" after Going Through It in those fic trenches. i am SURE fic COULD exist that could make me believe in this dynamic, because that is, i think, what the art of fanfiction is for, but y'all have no idea how much jenny/xander fic is already out there and how bad it is. jenny/xander my worst nightmare. never ever jenny/xander

[thebestusernamepossible]

You know I keep seeing interpretations of possible post-canon Loop integrating into the party. And like how they would interact with said party, but like I feel like there is one aspect of the dynamic people seem to miss out on- which is a shame because it’s one of the most interesting to me.

From the parties perspective Loop is a ‘star��� that Sif met when he was stuck in a Time-Loop. So that means the party is aware that Loop was also stuck in said time-loop. I want to see the party trying to figure out how to help and accommodate Loop’s Time-Loop trauma, because I know this would drive Loop insane. Like imagine alternate versions of the friends you’ve seen die over and over (who Loop definitely feels they’ve failed) and trying to accommodate you because they think you’re traumatised from a COMPLETELY SEPARATE time-loop. I’d simply go insane actually.

Not to mention Loop would probably grind the parties gears because they would act like they always know what’s best for Siffrin and the party in general. And like- yes they know Sif better than anyone, but from the parties perspective they’re someone who knew Sif for something equilvlant to like 7ish months at most. And they just stroll ina js act like they know what’s best for them, AND the party. And loop is condescending even when they don’t mean to be, so double whammy. But then again Loop and Sif (as far as the party know) we’re stuck in a time loop with only each other for that long. So Loop is now reluctantly the Siffrin expert, which would cause some jealousy from people who have been trying and only somewhat succeeding at getting Sif to open up. Because from their perspective Loop just gets all of Sifs secrets and gets to know everything about them, assumedly because Sif TOLD them everything. (Haha imagine Sif communicating). I think they’d be a bit jealous even if they felt bad about it.

Not to mention the miscommunication of it all- from the parties perspective they have a gap in their memories from a massive amount of time that only Siffrin and a (albeit helpful) stranger. The same stranger who both helped you save your friend, but seems to be in some kind of toxic situationship(?) with said friend, AND acts awkward as hell around you. There are so many conclusions to grab from that, and I don’t think that ‘completely separate Timeloop in an alternate dimension where stranger is also your friend’ is what they’ll come up with. Even smart gal Odile needs some actual information to draw a conclusion.

The most obvious conclusion would obviously be ‘Loop is a seprate person Siffrin grew close to due to the fact they were the only ones who remebered being in a timeloop’ and ‘Loop may have done something to/been wronged by the party in the Loops’.

Honestly you only need Loop referencing them not being a star in the past one time for the entire party to immediately conclude ‘holy shit, Loop also had some kind of wish gone wrong™️ that changed their entire body and made them be stuck to a tree woth only Sif for company for months’

Which isn’t WRONG per-say, but I just think we as a fandom should get more creative with Loop-Party assumptions when talking relationships.

Especially Loop-Isabeau, I want him assuming he said something really mean to them or something during a loop. The Situationship jealously I see a lot is fun too, but I think Isa trying very hard to be nice and make up for whatever he ‘did’ would make Loop have a fucking panick attack out of guilt. I just think Loop should be in the torcher nexus here.

Also! Loop-party strain! I think that the party would have mixed feelings in loop! Because they don’t know that’s Sif, so it’s just looks like to them that Loop so some stranger being unfair to Sif and what they went through (Loop screams). And since is inevitably going to be a bit mean to the party on account of being unwell, and teh fact they don’t really have the advantage of the party knowing and loving them previously. I think the initial relationships are strained, and honestly Loop is probably self sabotaging too. Testing boundaries to see how ‘unlovable’ they can be before they are thrown out. And while the party eventually grow to look past Loos hard edges and grow to love them, I think initially there is some fights and tension. Loop has the ammunition and almost wants to be proven right in their assumption they’re unlovable. But I think the party will realise that they are just like Sif was when they had THEIR metal break down and will see how Sif gets better and opens up (even if just being more expressive) with Loop around. So I think they’ll grow to like loop as their own person! But it takes time

Also Loop and Sif informing the party of each other individual triggers and keeping each other accountable (while also trying to work off being the most toxic co-dependant ass relationship ever)

[lyinginthesnow]

ken rome shiv dynamic in s4 is truly so insane to me. btw. in previous seasons their relationships were established as hostile, or at least competitive, so there wasn’t much holding them back. But s4 is different bc they start out attempting to be friends, which is both appealing/comforting to them, as well as restrictive to their ambitions. it was kind of!! excruciating!! to watch them stick bandaids on fractures that were forming between them (the “we’re sorry shiv” group hug in Living+…..) just so they could at least superficially maintain the Happy Healthy Sibling Bond, even as it became more and more ludicrous to uphold as they were drawn to prioritize themselves over each other, in increasingly betraying ways. they wanted to keep the alliance together, while at the same time shaping it for their own purposes. and they kept trying to do this, until it fell apart in their hands. Ooh my god. they loved each other, AND they wanted to express it, AND they openly admitted this.. but so what, if they would never prioritize it? if they were playing in a system where choosing it would never be the smart move? if there was only one crown and only one of them could wear it? they could never maintain any sort of meaningful action stemming from their love, so it made no difference that they felt it, and their gestures of affection were just gestures. idk… they’re sooo�� i can’t wait to feel unwell about them for ever and ever

[rochenn]

ohh hello there 🍈+ 🫐

Eyyy thank you! :D

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

Am I supposed to choose just one blorber? Cruel, but also LET'S FUCKING GOOOO

Dooku. Man. To get some technical stuff out of the way, I think he has a castle in the Serennian hills that isn't an egg-shaped chrome dome. A *really* nice one made of painted stones and wood. Old. Full of portraits of his ancestors and with a stupid whimsical garden that has only become more whimsical ever since he stopped hiring people to trim it. I also think he has a room full of traditional swords in there. Steel blades, all types of lengths and edges, and he knows how to wield each and every one of them to perfection. That room has been collecting dust for a while, though. It comes up in Gone with the Light and I'm VERY excited to write that segment! Hehe

And I just love his inner world - or lack thereof. Old fuck in a castle who can't seem to keep anyone around for one reason or another, but he never makes himself acknowledge the pattern that's so obviously there. His internal monologue is so tasty to write, partially because he's his only hypeman, and also because he has no idea who he is unless he forces himself into the Sith grindset. That way, he doesn't have to think about all the painful stuff so much. Between the genuine revolutionary intent of his younger days, his Jedi upbringing of even younger ones and his present holding on to Sith teachings for dear life, he is lost. There is so much MEAT to him and whatever the hell is going on inside that thick skull man <3 The loneliness and denial always comes up in some way

Also, a more basic headcanon: he's a BIG eater. That body needs a lot of energy even in his old age, considering its dimensions and what he does with it. Back when Qui-Gon hit his growth spurt they could hit a pantry the way the locusts hit the fields of Egypt - in contrast, Dooku deliberately under-eats in official company. Diplomatic dinners, long-winded negotiation meetings, the days he inevitably has to spend with Sidious, you name it. The Republic has an abundance of overly indulgent Senators and Count Dooku, leader of the Confederacy, very much does not want a reputation like Orn Free Taa's. Whenever we see him in canon there's a 50/50 chance of him being hungry as fuck (I am convinced of this because it amuses me greatly)

🫐 What’s your favorite underrated thing in your fandom? (A ship that only you seem to write for, a character there’s almost no fics about, a trope that criminally hasn’t been written yet, etc.)

DEFINITELY the Dooku & Asajj dynamic! It's the sort of juicy but under-developed part of canon that you'd expect to have a couple hundred fics, and among them some of those lifechanging longfics. You know the type. But tragedy strikes... we're not getting that for these two. There's barely anything. I am planning to rectify that because they make me insane and I need to drag more people into the insanity pit with me until the numbers add up. I swear I'm already following every single person who has ever been unwell about them in the character tags augh

Thank you for the ask! <3

[coldflasher]

still thinking about my post from the other day about eobard making barry the flash about a decade earlier, when he's still a teenager, so he'd be easier to manipulate. and then obviously i started thinking about where len would be in this scenario because i'm unwell and i have permanent leonard snart brainrot :)

assuming barry's 13 in this AU and we're sticking with the same age gap, len would be around 30... so then i started thinking about how different the dynamic would be, with a lonely barry who's being increasingly isolated by eobard, right in the thick of the most tumultous time in his relationship with joe, because he's always sneaking off and coming back all busted up and lying his head off and acting all cagey and exploding with temper every five minutes---except while joe thinks he's just a traumatized kid acting out and having a hard time at school, really he's off every night being "trained" by eobard and then being pitted against fully grown adult metas... though i do think i'd make at least some of them the same age as barry if only because imagine the ANGST of barry getting his powers, thinking he finally has one up on his bullies, and then the other kids at school start turning into metas as well.

i'm thinking specifically of tony woodward—all the pain and frustration and humiliation that twenty-five-year-old barry felt facing up against his childhood bully, now with powers... imagine that, except he's still at school, still stuck in the thick of it with this kid who's made his life hell, except now his bully has superpowers, and so any fantasies barry might have had about kicking his ass now he's the flash and is more powerful than any of the kids at school could imagine? well, forget it, because tony's STILL bigger and stronger than him and now he's now kicking barry's ass outside of school too

anyway i'm getting sidetracked. my point is i was thinking about moody teenage barry and an older len who's faced up against the flash, thinking there's a new player in town, only to discover that the flash is some scrawny punk kid with no one in his corner, and all the adults in his life are failing him, ESPECIALLY this creep eobard thawne who's "mentoring" him. len takes a very dim view of anyone who's getting a kid mixed up in the criminal world, considering his own father did it to him, AND he's just getting skeevy vibes off eobard anyway because he's an adult and better equipped to see through eobard's manipulations, unlike barry, who's doing the infuriating teenage thing of thinking he's sooo mature for his age and knows what he's doing and is not gonna listen to anyone who's trying to warn him that this whole thing is super sketchy and he's falling victim to a predator, but unfortunately he's not gonna realize it until he's a decade or so older and his frontal lobe develops---

and so we have this (platonic bc barry's like 13/14, though barry probably has a lil unrequited crush) coldflash dynamic with them kinda being friends bc len's somehow inadvertently ended up a mentor/support system for this fucked up, scrappy, little meta kid because god knows no one else is looking out for him, and anyway here's a small snippet of what my brain's doing (unedited but whatever we're just having fun and god knows i can't start another insane sprawling AU right now as much as i've been violently chewing on this idea all day, soooo)

Barry picked at the splintered wood on the table. “Eobard makes me feel kinda weird sometimes.”

Len watched him out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t like the sound of that. “Weird how?”

Barry shrugged his birdlike shoulders.

For a moment, Len focused on the map laid out in front of him, considering his next move. When it came to locks, carefully getting them to open up was his specialty. When it came to people, not so much.

He decided to be blunt. “He touch you?”

Barry’s mouth popped open, outrage and disgust mingling together. “No!” he protested, his voice cracking a little. Immediately, his mouth snapped shut, jaw jutting out mulishly, and he glared at Len. “Not like that.”

Len scrutinized him. He was pretty satisfied it was an honest answer. The kid wasn’t a bad liar, given time to prepare, but he sucked at improv; put him on the spot and he crumbled in seconds.

“He’s just… intense, that’s all. About my powers.”

Somehow Len doubted that was all he was intense about. Clearly something about this Eobard creep was making the kid’s spidey senses tingle, and probably for good reason. Len knew his type—there were plenty like him in prison, doing time for their proclivities. And plenty more on the outside who were better at hiding it. Just because the guy hadn’t put his hands on the kid so far didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about it.

“You thought about talking to someone?” Len asked. “An adult?”

Barry gave him a withering look like only a teenager could, then looked him insolently up and down, like he was missing something very obvious. Len gave him a similarly derisive look right back, one with over a decade of extra power behind it, just to show him how it was done. “I meant an authority figure.”

“You mean like a shrink?” Barry scoffed—which was pretty similar to what Len’s response would have been if anyone had made that suggestion to him. “Pretty sure Joe’s insurance wouldn’t cover another one. And we’d have to go out of state. I’ve seen every shrink in the city and they all think I’m crazy.”

“Your Dad, then.” Not that Len believed a guy who murdered his wife was exactly a stellar role model, and clearly Henry Allen was no stranger to manipulation himself, to have the kid so staunchly convinced he hadn’t done it when it had happened right in front of him—but having a father in prison had its perks. Len’s own father wasn’t exactly father of the year, but even he’d have called in a few favours from Iron Heights if he caught wind of some creep sniffing around his kid, if only on principle.

“I’m not allowed to see him,” Barry muttered.

The dark look in his eye told Len that there was little use in suggesting he told Joe. Clearly, they still weren’t getting along.

[poisoned-pearls]

PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FANKIDS THEY ARE SO CUTE.... do they have unique magic?? what are their family dynamics (with their parents, grandparents, etc.)???

AH OKAY SOOO- I have quite a few (I’ll tag them all so you can scroll through their tags- despite not having an organized blog I do have it organized for them) BUT I shall focus on Nami, Enzi, Faraja and Viv because. I’m in a mood for my girls rn-/lh

Nami is an only child, spoiled to hell and back by Azul because look at that man. He was made to be a girl dad spoiling them. She can do no wrong to them and they will defend her and her actions until the end of time. BUT she is the more generous kind of spoiled (if she likes you. If she doesn’t then get slapped by octopus tentacle motherfucker-) where she will give you something like that because she’d always just get another one

she’s the only one to have a fully thought out um (because god why do they take so much brainpower to think of)- Sirens Song. If she wills it, she can use her voice as a tool of mass hypnotism. This ability goes as far as her voice does, so as long as you are in earshot of her voice, you are susceptible. (Which sucks for beastmen with good hearing)

in general though she is very close with both of her dads and admires both of them to an absurd degree. She wants to be just like them, if not better. She is ADORED on Azul’s side (because in my lore, octo babies are RARE. You will only ever probably have one, or maybe two if you are insanely lucky. It ties into their magical prowess) but on Jamil’s side it’s basically just Najma and Jaddah, but she barely sees her (in my lore Jamil’s mom isn’t a bad person, she just was stuck in a bad situation and was very mentally unwell. Jamil and Najma were both ripped from her arms right after she gave birth and it messed her up. Jamil let her hold baby Nami and she cried)

(Design wise she pulls from Ariel and Vanessa. And a bit of jasmine)

Enzi is also technically an only child, but it’s only ever been her and ruggie. She was quite literally plucked off of the street and she’s been with him ever since. She grew up side by side with Faraja, constantly having play dates and such. But overall, she just, loves her dad. They’re a lot more like friends then a normal parent kid dynamic because ruggie understands that as she gets older she wants more respect (and hyena gender roles come in a bit). He taught her things from his culture though (HISPANIC RUGGIEEEE-) and she is fully considered apart of their community. Even if she’s a grey hyena in a sea of blonde and brown.

Faraja is… oh god she is my angst baby. I’m so sorry girl- she is an only child as well. I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen- her other parent.. isn’t in the picture. One day she was at Leona’s doorstep with a note saying she was his, and a week later, after the tests went through, she was. Cursed with being a bastard in a royal family (despite how fucking upset about it Leona was and how much he fought her treatment) she was basically ostracized from the rest of the family except for farena’s wife and Cheka. Leona loves her though. She never got a royal budget so he works as a local magical history professor and gives her his budget instead. Her hair is used throughout her storyline to express her feelings and I have a post detailing some of her angst

Vivienne is Not an only child, she has her brother, Emil- and she’s a musician (a la Taylor swift- said somewhat jokingly) but she only started performed when she was 16, because Vil was absolutely not going to have her have the same childhood he did. Instead she was tossed over to rook and taken out hunting. She has a crossbow in her skirt enchanted to compress at all times. She’s close with her little brother (tho he is annoying. Like all siblings) and she’s pretty close with both of her parents. (She also loves her gf Faraja which was a uh. Shock for Vil, at first.)

[hazelnut-u-out]

EPISODE REVIEW TIMEEE:

(contains spoilers for "a rick in king mortur's mort")

i actually really loved that episode. i've been so fucking starved for morty content that this was really nice. i loved the callbacks, parallels, and contrasts that were drawn pretty clearly between this episode and "the vat of acid episode." TVOAE is actually one of the episodes that makes me the sickest to my stomach. it's so unsettling and bone chilling to watch.

this episode, on the other hand... this felt earned.

(perhaps because of my morty bias and the fact that i've gotten basically no morty this season, buuuuut...) i'm giving this one a 10/10???

wow... didn't think i'd go that far, but uhhhh... yeah. i went there.

it just mastered the art of parallels, callbacks, and development beautifully.

my initial thoughts, as always:

(this is a long one… yk how i am with morty…)

-morty acted so much like early-series rick at the beginning that i was honestly a little bit ready to accept that part of his character progression is becoming a mini-rick. to be honest, i still see that being a possibility, but this was... not exactly that.

he still took the sword for a reason early-series rick would have instead of a classic "these guys seem cool" morty reason ("oh shit these other guys want the sword so now i want the sword, even if i'm jaded and cynical about it"), and it almost felt like the "rick and morty" dynamic was flipped a little bit- as in, morty being the rigid jerk and rick being berated verbally for a second. that being said, morty was still childishly excited about being a medieval knight and it was cleared up that morty was only being rude to rick initially as a trauma response. he expected rick to abuse him, but that wasn't the case. when he realized he was safe, he let his guard down.

(look at him sulking in line awww)

-RICK USING MORTY PET NAMES. RICK USING MORTY PET NAMES.

i think a little part of me melted when he called morty "lil junebug."

SHUT THE FUCK UP- i am so unwell. so mentally normal about that.

i genuinely cannot believe that's a canon nickname rick uses for morty. that. is. so. cute.

just the sweetest lil pet name.

(plus grandpa rick putting a hand on his lil junebug's shoulder, because why not?)

-OMFG RICK APOLOGY?? like genuinely?? oh my god??

i mean... that was still kinda dickish lol. "i'm gonna intentionally do the least amount possible to actually change, but make you feel like i am."

you know what, though? bc of the fact that this is essentially a follow-up to TVOAE, i'd say the entire premise of this ep WAS change, and highlighted that... so i'm giving the undercut a pass.

-i also liked the subtle callback to the "auto park feature" with the sword "fighting deacon frost." i liked that morty didn't think it was cool, but it didn't trigger some insane reaction in rick.

he's just like, "i dunno... i thought it was cool... :(" and he moves on.

-"holy shit, this is who i am to this kid?!... i've gotta fix this!"

and then he... actually puts in the work to better a real human connection instead of manipulating morty to keep him pliant?

wow.

-like i said, rick is still being a fucking dick here and there in the convo, but i'm genuinely proud of him.

-i'm also so happy for morty. this must have been such a healing experience for him. god. he's been through so much. shoutout to the writers for not putting him through more emotional abuse for fun.

-another bit that made me think that morty is slowly developing into a little rick was the moment where he uses a science lecture to ruin the knights' faith in their culture. during that whole sequence, he does sound a lot like rick...

-SPACE BETH CHILLING WITH HER GIRLFRIEND, GUYS.

-RICK BRAGGING ON MORTY ABOUT THE LITTLE LECTURE! THE HANDS ON THE SHOULDERS! EVERYTHING!

this reminds me of an ask i answered a little bit ago where i talked about rick being morty's primary caregiver. this episode felt a lot more like a father/son type development than a grandfather/grandson.

i get that the rest of the family was proud of morty, but rick was the one saying "hey! this is the little dude i'm raising! look at him go!"

-i was a little nervous that morty was going to kill/let rick kill the knights, which would have meant that he's veeeery similar to rick now, but he chose not to. that was a nice touch.

-(i thought the little moment where jerry was like "what's happening? appliances are breaking that i haven't touched!" was funny hehe..)

-i thought it was sweet that rick got the meeting's attention just to give morty the floor.

-i wasn't a fan of morty begging rick to stop supporting him, though. it felt like punching the underdog character with his own fist, but i guess i like it better in hindsight because it shows yet another trauma response. morty doesn't trust himself AT ALL. he thinks that by doing this his way, something will inevitably go wrong. damn.

-i also liked the little details about how witchy rick can be, haha. first, we see him ACTUALLY bend down and read the bones himself, then the witchcraft penis? that was a nice touch. rick definitely has an interest in witchcraft.

-(one of my favorite songs as a kid was "ruby tuesday," and i got so excited that the montage song was a cover of it, but... alas... no.)

(i just thought mort looked cute here lol)

-THE HUG? (of course they had to make it less heavy with the "we're gonna make your dick so fake," comment, but it's so nice to see rick hug morty and try to calm him down.)

-TELEPATHY? WHAT THE FUCK? THAT THREW ME SO HARD I GOT WHIPLASH.

-shit, man....

"i love you."

"i love you, too..."

-as soon as morty asked rick if he was a robot/clone, i was on the edge of my seat, chewing my lip, biting my nails, pulling my hair- waiting for the reveal that he was, but...

they didn't fake us out! hey! :)

(will say that the "this family has enough clones and robots in it" comment did make me a lil nervous, bc we KNOW of a clone, but... uhhh... who's the "robot"?)

-one of my biggest issues with "rick: a mort well-lived" was that marta stayed in the game, meaning that the only part of morty that heard rick say he loved and respected him didn't join with our morty. it bothered me that our morty didn't get to hear that.

i'm so happy that they fixed that this ep. MORTY HEARD RICK IS PROUD OF HIM. MORTY HEARD RICK LOVES HIM. i hope this is the "morty gets the grandpa he deserves" beginning. i'm loving it, and hope it's far more than just 22% of the time.

overall, AHMAZING EPISODE! kinda sad we had to wait until the end of the season to get a decent in-depth exploration of morty, his current character, and his reaction to rick's healing, but i'm so glad my boy got his apologies. he got his "i love you." he got his "i'm proud of you." he got is hug.

he got his autonomy.

congrats, lil junebug.

hope ya get more <3

[mecachrome]

What are your favorite moments between Lando and Oscar?

Do you read any books? If so, what kind, because I'm looking for inspiration for reading.

hi anon! 🧡

i've alr made 2 posts of my fav moments (oct 2023 / april 2024) so i'll gather some recent ones if that's ok !!! it's genuinely insane how much content we've gotten in the past 2-3 months hlskdh writing this made me realize i hadn't properly registered how ridiculous they've been ever since miami 😭

f1 24 ratings: i really think landoscar stand out sooo much in this video compared to the other grid pairings which are usually some combination of more diplomatic/reserved/normal/antagonistic around each other, like yes each pairing on the grid has a unique dynamic & many are friendly as well don't get me wrong! but here it's just... the sheer combination of how unreserved 814 are around each other, how they bicker/banter naturally, how they focus only on each other and get off-track and ramble about random things that have nothing to do with the ratings etc. that makes me so... @___@ basically against the much more "careful" interactions of other teammates you can tell landoscar are very evenly and comfortably matched and that's basically the ethos of why i like them in the first place !!!

the insanity of lando's praise kink in their android video (i did a good job? 🥺) + oscar indulging him the entire time + lando telling oscar that he has a SOOTHING VOICE before immediately getting all shy about it and trying to laugh it off... girl

Are you more of a moaner or a grunter: like first of all What on earth. but also in general i always find landoscar soo amusing on filmed radio shows because it really highlights their sense of mischief + ability to communicate with nothing but meaningful glances LOL. like they are so good at feeling out the other's sarcasm and going along with jokes on the fly / knowing where the limit is which is why lando can be like oh we hate each other oscar is my biggest rival 🙄 and oscar just thinks lando is being silly & cute 😭😭😭

entirety of silverstone wknd esp post-race fan stage esp "you're going to let down sooo many people :(" and oscar immediately giggling and going "well since you put it that way!!" + the fact that lando stroked oscar's shoulder and stared him down for an eternity before patting his arm and oscar teasingly elbowed lando back about being the home favorite + just the shoey and the face oscar made at lando when he was trying to egg him on + oscar continuously ragdolling at everything lando says or does even when it's not even remotely funny?!?! 😭 Don't even get me started on the bracelets.

team hub tour has such a wealth of different moments but i think the one people talk about the most is You Frickin' Muppet which frankly permanently lives in my brain ! but it's also once again just sweet to see how comfortable they are in their personal/shared space and how oscar pleasantly nods along to all of lando's commentary (even when he's LYING). also the hammock moment 😔 anon i like them

last but certainly not least -> POST-AUSTRIA LANDO INTERVIEW.... (head in hands) actually felt unwell about this moment for days the entire thing is still so crasy to me. like the barely suppressed impatience and lando's emotions clearly running high and you can tell he's still feeling unwell and just generally Done with the weekend, and then oscar suddenly passes by and before lando even really properly sees him he's running off to congratulate him??? out of everything we've gotten in the past few months this one really krills me...

2. for books: anon i'm afraid i haven't read properly in wayyy too long i'm sorry! 😭 my health problems and brain fog make it difficult to focus although i know i should really get back into it...

anyway this is even more embarrassing but i almost exclusively read books about gay people HLKSDFH. like literally. i mostly enjoy bittersweet gay fiction & non-fiction, recently-ish i read garth greenwell - what belongs to you and some of my old favs are carmen maria machado - in the dream house, el-mohtar/gladstone - this is how you lose the time war, and kira t madden - long live the tribe of fatherless girls... for example 💀 was also like halfway through young mungo and all this could be different but i kind of forgot about them whoops

otherwise i loooove love love graphic novels !!! i'm a big fan of all forms of sequential art & animation and take Supporting The Arts very seriously :') some of my favs are tillie walden - on a sunbeam and trung le nguyen - the magic fish — i adore tillie walden and in general am just a fan of a lot of stuff published by first second *__*

also if you want to read about f1 i genuinely find jenson's autobiography (life to the limit) so entertaining LOL... it's a really quick n breezy read but "his" writing voice is still witty & fun imo :') also last year i listened to the first book of the beartown trilogy while i was stuck in the hospital and immediately read the other two after and the entire experience lowk CHANGED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE... tbf i am a hockey fan so this somewhat influenced my perception but it's really so much more than a hockey series the hockey is just a vehicle for like dissecting the human condition and what not. fredrik backman is literally crasyyy 2 me how does he understand people so well how does he dig into people's psyches like that... *__* anyway i won't say too much but benji ovich is unironically the character of my life. my blorbo if you will 😔

ok sorry this was probably a useless ramble HKLSDFH but thank uuu for the ask <3 let us reminisce on all these beautiful 814 moments

[antitheticaally]

Killing eve! I’m so unhinged over it aghhhh

I’ve only watched the first two seasons cause I’ve heard the 3rd and 4th are less good (I think every season is made by a different director?) and cause the end of season two was so good!!

but literally the first season makes me go insane that scene with villanelle holding eve against the fridge had me barking like a dog and the what’s your password? 1….2….3….4 😭😭😭

Anyway I’m not saying anything substantial I just don’t have anyone to talk to about killing eve and I love it sm

KILLING EVE!!!!

i am also. so unhinged over it. i recently did a Big Rewatch because I also stopped at season two the first time but I finally finished the whole series…

the first two are definitely superior. like season one is PERFECTION (UGH yes the dinner scene!!!) and the dynamics of season two make me INSANE, but i am maybe of the unpopular opinion (?) of not hating season three?

like, it’s by no means as good, but it is still fun and interesting (very villanelle focused, so if you’re interested in that…) i would say give it a watch.

season four is… rough. idk if you know the ending already so i won’t spoil it for you, but i am writing a fix-it fic based off of it if that tells you anything, lol

it has a new director and they just made some really weird choices, BUT i’m hesitant to tell you to skip it because there are a select few Big Moments for villanelle and eve ( it just takes FOREVER to get there)

and i hate the ending. but i still watched it bc i wanted to get the full picture and because i am Unwell about them, so…

that’s my two cents lol

i also want to talk about killing eve, so feel free to talk to me, always, substantial or not <3

[sweethome-silly-thoughts]

Lee Eun-Hyeok, Cha Hyun-Su || Friendship Dynamic - (NO MONSTER AU !! In canon Hyun-Su tolerates Eun-Hyeok at best methinks)

Had a dream where they were stuck together in a building and when I tell you it opened my third eye. Insane, sick even, this is an update from the old post I did !!

I always had a hard time writing them because they don't speak much but this time I think I'm onto something ! So yeah, basically, I think even tho their friendship kinda started with not much feelings abt each other, they never really disliked each other

I like to think their first meeting was when Eun-Yoo brought Hyun-Su to her brother in order to bandage and let heal more correctly his wounds, so for Eun-Hyeok he was pretty much just a friend of his sister, didn't think much of him. But also, he noticed his physical health wasn't THAT great, and in a way to thank him for taking Eun-Yoo as a friend, sometimes gave him healthier food, and offered him to stay home when he felt like he was feeling unwell.

They kinda grew on each other because their energy sometimes match, the girls are louder and they'd definitely vibe on the evening drinking hot beverages ! Eun-Hyeok understands Hyun-Su's pain when it comes to family loss, while probably seeing him as stronger than him, I like to imagine Eun-Yoo is what made him keep on going. Knowing Hyun-Su lost even his sister makes him admire his "strength" (especially when he learns what he went through)

He doesn't see him with pity, but more with a doctor's pov ! He offers him some physical health check in once they're close enough, which goes along helping him with a better diet. He's so used to have this "Big bro/parent" role he tends to be like this with Hyun-Su too, slapping a bit his hand when he starts scratching his wounds, offering him to wash his clothes when he's too burned out to do it, stuff like this ! Hyun-Su offers him some kind of emotional support when he's burned out because of the pressure too ! Maybe makes him discover some videogames he thinks he'd like, or listens when he's talking about obscure interests of his (Eun-Hyeok rarely speaks abt things he enjoys tho, I think he can be a bit secretive) ! Eun-Hyeok is also really thankful of Hyun-Su for helping his sister to heal from her own issues (he's not the only one but probably the first !!)

Overall it started pretty awkward, but they soon started to warm up and support each other, they went from cringe silences to comforting silences let's say !!

As always it's a bit messy, they're SOOO hard to write but I definitely think they could have had a pretty nice friendship in a normal scenario !! Eun-Hyeok acting motherly when he's close to people is just sweet to me ok...

[omegapheromone]

Ive been super offline bc my brain has not been doing good and now I'm only popping in to whine about my heat ;;;; sorry guys, I keep saying I'll be more active only to disappear over and over... I'm emotionally very unwell and vulnerable and feeling Not Great overall

(...more tmi/nsfw adjacent whining below the cut)

I keep feeling like crying. Or I guess whining/whimpering is more accurate? I don't understand why I've become like this, my heats are so strong suddenly and I feel moody and vulnerable and upset. I find myself subconsciously seeking for a protecting/comforting presence so desperately I find myself getting actually genuinely upset that I'm alone, and no amount of nesting or trying to protect myself is helping. It's never been THIS bad before and I can only assume it's a mixture of the season, finally having the right meds, and me going through a rough patch. The cold makes me want to cling to whatever warmth I can find.

I think I've somehow started viewing a new-ish friend I made somewhat recently as an alpha, and I keep feeling scared and upset and clingy about them. I also feel so confused because they are... not someone K would usually be attracted to, gender-wise- ifk if what I feel is romantic or platonic or a secret third thing but I keep selfishly wishing they were around all the time because just hearing from them makes me feel a lot less anxious and unsettled. I don't THINK I want them to be "my alpha", whatever that entails, but I think I've naturally just started seeing them as the current 'leading alpha' of the "pack" of friends even though somehow it feels like I probably have far more of a "leading role" within the friend group just naturally. It's driving me insane and idk how to handle it- I've never "pack-bonded" before, and even now it's by complete accident out of nowhere, and only because I'm mentally ascribing dynamics for my utterly clueless friends...

I keep craving for a "comforting scent" (literally it's not specific and it's just a "I'll recognize it when I smell it" thing) and becoming genuinely emotionally upset and unsettled when I can't find one. I feel restless. Amxious. Hypervigilant. I need to have someone hold me tight so I feel less vulnerable and unstable. My own scent being the only one I can smell is upsetting me also.

Ughhhggh

[jinghestation]

user fushigurocest idk if u still think about the deep but i just finished it and u r the only other person on tumblr who posts about it ………….

OMG first of all… how did you like it??? it’s still hands down one of my absolute favorite books of all time. it had my jaw on the floor on several occasions lol. i know it’s not really for everyone, but man, when you Get It it goes unbelievably hard. i would love to hear your thoughts on it!!!!

but the dynamic between Luke and Clayton is just… insane to me. Luke being compared to Clay’s wife or lover on multiple occasions. the comparisons between how Luke treats Clayton and how their mother treated him. Clayton being depicted as a saint or martyr or mystic, the way it’s so heavily insinuated that he had some divine knowledge that something horrible was going to happen. the way he protected Luke in the only way he knew how. the fact Luke had fully planned to murder-suicide them both if he couldn’t save his brother. the hopelessness of all of it. the moment Luke sees everything through Clayton’s eyes. the sexual assault imagery everywhere in the book. the way Luke has always been the only one able to hurt Clay in any meaningful way. the rare moments when Clayton’s apathetic mask drops and you can tell how much he loves Luke, but Luke is the world’s most unreliable narrator so he always brushes it off. the way they both just want to save each other!!!!! the love was there and it changed everything!!!!!!!!!!

BUT ANYWAY. i would love to hear your thoughts!! Nick Cutter truly made a masterpiece with The Deep and i continue to think about it all the time lol. i own two separate copies of it, one of which is annotated, because i’m THAT unwell about it.

[rei-caldombra]

Jujutsu Kaisen S2 (Prequel eps) pulled me back into this story. Summer 2023 Anime

I liked Jujutsu Kaisen when it first came out. The presentation was excellent, and I thought it was at its best when it was just having fun and showing off cool powers. When it came to the story elements and more dramatic angles, I did not feel super invested. I didn't dislike the story or its attempts at being serious, I just didn't feel much towards it. I also did not see JJK Zero, and for clarity I am anime only (If I do not mention the source material at all in a review, please assume I have not read it). Not intentionally, but because I didn’t get around to it at the time then forgot about it. JJK wasn’t an anime that stuck out in my mind strongly. I just thought it was a great show that other people seemed to enjoy a bit more than I did. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The point of this is to say I barely thought about Jujutsu before watching this and remembered very few fine details.

Despite that I absolutely loved it. It's very impressive how much they accomplished in just 5 episodes. These episodes successfully got me reinvested in the grander story, characters and dramatic elements. The rest of this will contain some direct spoilers, especially for episode 5 where I go into the most detail. 

As usual the overall presentation is fantastic, not much to say there. The fights look awesome, the characters move very smoothly and with great expression. One of the best-looking shows out there. 

The funnier side of JJK is strongly present here, which I appreciate as I did before. For me JJK excels at portraying characters having goofy and interesting interactions. Usually people are like “cmon, get back to the action!”. For me it was the opposite, I wanted the villains to go away so everyone could go back to having fun. The fights that had comedy mixed in were the ones I generally liked the most. I don’t think fights need to feel as if they have life or death in the balance to be engrossing. I love a good high-tension fight too, but my general preference for series I like is having a good balance of comedy and drama. JJK before now was a series I thought had great comedy and decent drama. With these episodes I now know at its best it can excel at both. 

Tbh, I barely remembered Geto existed before watching this. But they still managed to make me buy into Geto and Gojo's friendship very quickly. They have a very good dynamic. Which makes what happens later far more compelling. 

So, onto episode 5. This is some of the best setup for a villain I've seen. His slow descent into darkness feels very organic and real. Descent into madness was the first phrase to come to my mind earlier but that would not be accurate. He is not insane. He is coming from a place of logic. It's incredibly immoral but comes from sane thinking. I also like how his idea came from a very direct but very casual conversation as well. Him getting tired of basically putting Band-Aids on a massive wound and wanting to tackle the root issue is a very real way of thinking about serious problems in the world. It makes complete sense for both him and the other Jujutsu Sorcerers at the top of the power scale like Yuki consider the ways they can get out of the cycle. He is sane and follows a perspective we can understand, which makes him much more compelling for me. Just the simple detail of having a year pass makes a huge difference. The editing and presentation lend so much to Geto’s declining mental and physical wellbeing. The way they actually had him appear physically unwell during his time of contemplation is such great detail that really drives how much the events of episode 4 impacted him. And this detail strengthens his position even further by having him go back to appearing healthy when he chooses his path. The use of perspective and framing is fantastic for portraying his emotion at various points. 

These episodes made me much more interested in the world than I had been before. The way cursed energy works is pretty interesting, and the topic of the scene with Yuki is the perfect situation for reminding viewers how it works. I think these episodes did a good job of re-explaining things for the people who forgot details from S1 (me lol). At times I do think the explanations took away from the pacing of the fights and could absolutely be considered info dumping, but overall they work fine and aren’t a huge detriment. The element of powers being stronger if they are explained helps alleviate that issue and is frankly a stroke of genius by the other so they can more easily get away with info dumping.  

After watching these 5 episodes, I am starting to see what elevates this above other shounen for a lot of people. I’m really looking forward to the rest of season 2! I will watch Zero soon and will remind myself of important details from the first season before continuing on, promise! Thanks for reading!

[venicity]

HIIIIII I am so glad to be able to Understand them with you, they make me feel SICK, I hate them (I have been hyperfixating on them for months now)

I also absolutely agree that they'd choose MK / his life and safety over each other like I don't particularly see his relationship w them as father-son BUT I do think it's familial (with SWK at least) and deeply important all the same. I actually feel like both swk and mcq have an unhealthy dependency on mk BC he's like, the first person to care for and believe in them both in hundreds of years— swk bc he isolated himself on FFM for hundreds of years and mcq bc he was dead LOL. But even before that; mcq only ever had swk and after their relationship went south, he didn't actually have anyone else in his life which is definitely part of why he dedicated himself to hurting and being swk's enemy. Even if it was a relationship of bitterness and hatred, it was all he had that mattered to him.

Honestly, on the topic of mcq, he specifically drives me insane in his relationship w swk and mk bc he is someone who is deeply independent, distrusting, and he's made it a point to prove he's all about self preservation. But I do not believe he's someone who is inherently/by nature cruel or evil— he never cared about being strong for himself or about destroying or being on top of the world. All he cared about was being by swk's side, and when he couldn't do that, it was to hurt swk as much as swk hurt him no matter the cost.

But the MOMENT he realized mk cared for him and genuinely believed in him, he cracked. He went against his own self preserving nature bc his care for mk outweighs his own fear of lbd and his own death, and that's just the beginning of their developing friendship after yk,, being enemies LOL. And it's the same with how, the MOMENT swk said he trusted mcq in 5x2, mcq threw himself at Li Jing knowing he could die or be imprisoned at LEAST possibly for a very, very long time but it didn't matter. Because it was something he did to protect swk and mk, and smt he does AGAIN to try and save mk from himself during 5x9, because to him...it was an easy choice. Either run away and live, or throw himself at an enemy he knows he can't defeat to protect mk and swk. And he will always choose them. Always. Which is GUT WRENCHING to me bc for him, although I don't think he'd ever intentionally doom or end the world, it was never about saving the world. It was only ever about saving the very very few people he cares for in this world. Or at least dying like an old, loyal dog by their side.

Can u tell who my favourite character is LMFAO,, I am so deeply unwell about him. About shadowpeach in general but also just their relationship and like their individual relationships w mk as well bc I don't ship them w him bc it makes me deeply uncomfortable for personal reasons, I hate how people kinda just ignore just how important he is to both swk and mcq, and how he is the only reason they have a relationship again to begin with since without him, they would've stayed bitter enemies who are just a bit too obsessed w each other.

GOD DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON DRAGONFRUIT, I don't talk about them nearly as much as I should but they are my second fave ship in lmk specifically bc their entire relationship has been built up and tended to by the writers so beautifully, like the connection they share is a special on specific to just the two of them bc they can understand each other in a unique way that others can't— and also bc like even though they're their own seperate and well written characters, their stories are so intertwined that it simply does not make sense to have one without the other bc they have impacted each other in such important ways.

I wouldn't say they're written FOR each other but I also wouldn't say they're not like they did start as their own characters but throughout the seasons, they've went from simply having a fun dynamic to their relationship being so vital to the core of their characters and development (ie Mei going from afraid of her own powers to feeling lesser than and only confiding these feelings to Red Son, who was the only possible person who could understand and comfort her in the way she needed to Red Son only accepting and trusting in mk and his crew bc of Mei— bc of his relationship with her, and the fact that she proved he could believe in them by saving the world; saving his PARENTS when he needed her too. Although I do think he would've held her cose as the world burned around them if she was unable to.) that it'd be CRAZY if people stripped their relationship and importance of each other in favour of giving it to another character instead which...does nothing but get rid of the woman in the equation. That'd be wild. I couldn't imagine anyone doing that in a fandom space known to always prioritize male characters over female characters :)))))))

Chhejjxjdjsj thankyou for replying and reading, I am very sorry for the many MANY paragraphs its simply. Who I am. If I don't yap and ramble for things that could be said in like 5 sentences then who am I? LOL

Very very sorry for the spam but you are the only person outside of my immediate friend group who enjoys both shadowpeach AND dragonfruit in the very specific way that I do 🛐🛐🛐

Like I am the BIGGESTTTTT believer in aroace swk who has only ever really loved mcq in That Specific Way. Like not romantic but also not completely platonic— he loved him and he loved him in a way he never loved anyone else which is what mattered most. And mcq I see as...idk! Maybe he's aroace too, regardless I think he also loved and only loved swk BECAUSE he was swk. That is all that ever mattered to him. That it was swk. Loyal to a fault; even after swk hurt him so much, even after he hurt swk just as much. (Haha this is just like I'm Your Man by Mitski—)

And I do NOT see them as cutesy or as like a sweet and domestic couple. They are FAR from over their many, many issues and they will always have that bit of toxicity and hurt no matter how much they may hypothetically mellow out bc the ways in which they hurt each other WAS unforgivable. But the thing is, does that even matter? Does it matter if they'll still love each other anyways? If, in the end, all they ever wanted was to be by each others side even as they were covered in each others blood and blinded by their own heartbreak, anger, and hatred. Love. Obsession. Whatever it was that they felt for each other.

I also like,,, even if they somehow hypothetically hot their shit together enough to be a "functioning couple", I do not see them w any of the typical relationship labels like I think mcq would hurl if u called swk his boyfriend, husband, lover, etc like PLEASE I understand not everyone will have the same opinions and ship dynamics and I respect it, but I have a very specific view on their relationship and they are neither romantic or platonic, but a secret third thing. But they are also actually both. Whatever it is, it's love. A love that grew sharp and bent in its intensity when that love festered into a hatred that edged the line of obsession far too many times to ever be "normal" hatred.

Okay I think I've ranted enough. For now. Thankyou very much if u read all of this I have so very many shadowpeach thoughts 🛐

OMG HELLO

You are the only person outside of my immediate friend group who understands shadowpeach the way I do

I could honestly also read Macaque as allo, but no matter what their relationship is so aspec/arospec to me. Like whatever their bond was, it didn't matter because they had each other. Until they didn't. Until they knew their relationship was one of hatred. Until it was somehow even more complicated.

What drives me crazier is at this point, they would both choose MK over each other. It's pretty clear that Macaque expected Wukong to sacrifice himself in MK's place v ("He needs to know it's not all on him" "It doesn't always have to be you!" "Get the kid you idiot" "Wukong..."), because that was what he was willing to loose. He had already lost Wukong before, but MK? He's someone neither Macaque or Wukong could bear leaving them (the way they left each other). Like s5 committed so hard in the run motif ("You're the one always running off!"), and MK has been set up to be the one to leave Wukong since like s2.

It's also rare for me to run into another dragonfruit fan!! Tbh it is kinda just the text, but I find them so interesting. Like what if Mei handled the worst parts of Red Son better than he ever did. What if their mentor/mentee dynamic parallels MK and Macaque ("You don't use a weapon, you ARE a weapon! - "Don't use the flame Mei..." "Be the flame!"). What if Red Son knew Mei would stop at nothing to free his parents, the way he stopped at nothing to free her.

But also, what if Red Son was Mei's silly rabbit.

I know some people despise 5x05, but the truth is that Red Son has always been a support character to Mei. Even in AHiB, Mei and Red Son are often singled out together (ilu Mei saving MK and "I'll handle this" scenes). It's more obvious in 1x06 or 1x08, where Mei and Red are both racers and, of course, "Red flames are cool! Want to see some green ones?". RoTSQ focuses entirely on Mei and Red Son's relationship, which is continued into 3x06 and beyond.

Thank you for the rant it was a good read!

[scattered-winter]

respectfully requesting newt from maze runner for the character meme !!

bro you've Awakened Something in me it's been far too long since I've talked about my boy my babygirl my blorbo

favorite thing about him

his selflessness!!! throughout all the events of the series (both the books AND the movies) he's consistently putting everyone else's needs before his own. he was one of the leaders of the Glade, which meant he worked day and night to keep the order and safety there. and outside the Glade, he pulled his own weight and even put himself in danger to protect the others on several occasions (saving Minho from the lightning storm is what immediately comes to mind but I know there's a lot more). and even in the death cure, when the flare is taking over and he can feel himself changing, he still stays focused and doesn't let that distract him or anyone else from the end goal. to me it's just....heartbreaking, really. he suffered in silence because he didn't want his friends to grieve him while he was still standing there, and so he had to deal with slowly losing his mind by himself

least favorite thing about him

his SELFLESSNESS

listen I can love and hate the same thing about a guy

the fact that he was so focused on the group's survival just added so much more angst to the story and it causes me PAINNNN. like!! in the movies specifically, they were SO CLOSE to giving him the cure!!!!!!!!! they were so achingly close!!!!!!!! but he'd been fighting the virus for so long and it finally took over and he died only moments before the cure arrived. I'm fukcijgn

favorite line

"great, we're all bloody inspired"

brOTP

Minho and Newt are BESTIES ok. they're besties. I cry about them every day. they're besties

same with Alby and Newt they were! leaders together! and neither of them made it out! I'm unwell!

actually on that same note. I think Minho was the oldest Glader to have made it out alive. all his friends and mentors who came before him are dead. I'm so fucking emo right now

honestly I love all of Newt's canon friendships! his friendship with Thomas is GREAT his friendship with the other Gladers is GREAT

nOTP

meh nothing really....strikes me as a nOTP tbh. in fact I don't really actively ship anyone in this series! usually when I hard-core ship something, it's because I felt unsatisfied with the media/felt like it's an interesting dynamic to be explored. I was fairly satisfied with the series as a whole and I felt like the overall point of them was complete without romance, and to add a lot of romance (excluding the thomas/teresa thomas/brenda stuff that was already there) would have just....blocked out the horror and morally gray themes, ya know? so idk I don't really have strong feelings about any romantic pairings in this specific piece of media

in fact, I saw someone point out that it would've been a stronger and more potent narrative if Thomas and Teresa were SIBLINGS instead of romantic partners and tbh that hasn't left my brain because they're RIGHT. it would've been soooo compelling ughh I'm going insane just thinking about the parallels here

OTP

all that being said, it's kinda fun to play with the narratives a bit :] most of the fic I intend to write in this fandom is friendship/family based, because of my feelings as stated above, but I'm not immune to the newtmas or minewt here <3 there's just something about two best friends who have been through hell and worse together getting to kiss <3

random headcanon

Newt actually left notes for EVERYONE, not just Thomas. he even left one with Thomas intended for Teresa, despite everything she'd done, but ofc she never got the chance to read it so Thomas just kept it in a pocket by his heart. and maybe one day, years later, after he finally found some semblance of peace and healing, he burned it to ash to finally say goodbye to them both

unpopular opinion

listen I love Newt but the fandom has a tendency to shove Minho aside to make room for him (especially hardcore newtmas shippers) which is... :/ let's all examine why that might be !

song I associate with him

Doom Days by Bastille. warning: you will cry.

favorite picture of him

hair floof <3 he's so blorbo shaped here idk

send me a character!

[jones-friend]

Something that’s been on my mind are the Sandlot and Finding Nemo blu rays sitting on my movie shelf in the other room.

When I was in college, my brother having recently graduated, my sister in high school, my dad quit his job due to work stress. My mom always downplayed that. She made him out to be unsupportive and weak. I’m sure she was frustrated about it since he was the sole breadwinner with three kids in college and a suburban house they were paying off. But going through life as an adult I better understand the work stress he was put under, even if he caused some of it for himself its awful.

My family dynamic has never been healthy. My father was a victim of abuse with self worth issues that got in the way of seeing help. My mother could not handle confrontation of any kind, instead of working with her husband on issues she used her children as therapists and vented to us at a very, very early age, as early as 2nd grade.

A contact of his got him a job in California on a frozen pepper plant. My dad loved sales, but as a participant in capitalism he’d been conditioned to climb corporate ladders and took the job as the company CEO. California is a good five hour flight from Illinois, and a good few days of driving. My dad, with some attributes I find in myself, was wholly onboard with starting a new life in California for a fresh start, doing his best to make the situation positive.

This was not great for anyone else involved. My brother was fresh out of college and needed a “home base” before he’d hit his first aquarist gig in Hawaii. I was still in college and was learning my own identity. My sister was on her junior year of high school and hated the idea of moving to a lesser Californian school for her last year. When I say lesser, we grew up with a prestigious high school and our options in California involved hits like “we only have fights about every week” and none had the teaching programs she wanted to pursue. I still remember the week we flew out there, we had an ultimate frisbee tourney the day before and it rained all day. My sister and I had untreated bronchitis the entire trip and my dad blamed my mom for taking us out here sick so we’d have a miserable time and hate California.

There were visits to the house he rented in California but I remember them being very tense. My dad deeply wanted them to work out to have a nice time with his kids, but my mom hated them. Everything was 45-70 minutes away and the things you could drive to at that distance were small rib shacks and whatnot. There was a lot of emotional unwellness that went and still goes unsaid about those Christmases.

My mom “won” the argument to stay for my sister, but when she started college my dad “pulled the trigger” and arranged for the move to happen without telling anyone or having some kind of talk about it. I just received a message while at UIowa that we’ve been moved out of our childhood home and its gone. There was an odd disconnect and feeling of not really having a home or home base about it. My mom was moved to California where she hated it. She cried so many times, she hated being that distant from her kids. This upset my dad, who felt she was ruining all he was trying to do in making California their kids’ new home. They still have unresolved issues and its been nearly ten years.

That job ended up being a sham. The owners who were running the business into the ground wanted a CEO to make magical fixes to the company that didn’t exist, otherwise that CEO would take the blame for the owners’ failings as they continued to passively reap $2mil a piece for doing nothing more than making bad choices. I feel bad for my dad. As he was watching his work life turn into a living nightmare he watched his family turn against him. As a victim of abuse he had disowned his own parents, he’d been through one divorce and has a stepdaughter who disowned him, even though he’s caused me a lot of my own issues and strife I can’t help but feel bad for him that he couldn’t get past himself to seek therapy. Everything he had just went up in flames and he had more than himself to blame.

Eventually my dad quit that CEO job twice on a whim and was rehired back both times. My mom tried to get out but he tagged along, the two brought their dysfunctional marriage to the close quarters of my grandpa’s 2br ranch house where my mom would start openly bashing him around an open door where my dad would then walk in on it and accuse us of bashing him. If you’re wondering “this is insane, how can this happen?” It is taboo in midwestern/suburban houses to talk about things like that openly. Stow away negativity and grin and bear it. My dad would later tell my mom he’s quit the CEO job a third time and this time for good, and he’s done providing for the family saying its “her turn”.

2.5yrs later I would disown them the weekend of my sister’s wedding.

Before I left to my first apartment 2019 to distance myself from their dysfunction I combed through boxes of memory things downstairs. There was a box of movies I hadn’t seen, and I picked a few to take with me. I found 300, Dances with Wolves, The Sandlot, Finding Nemo, and Willy Wonka. When I asked if I could take those for my movie collection since they were packed in a box in a ranch house basement.

My mom told me my dad bought those movies to watch with us in California, like how we always had Friday Night AMC Cinema Secrets + the movie they went over. The thought of my dad alone in an unfriendly place driving 45-70mins out on a night after a stressful day of work well over 8hrs long, seeing some movies from when me and my siblings grew up and taking the time to lift them from the shelf, carry them to the check out, pay money for them and bring them home, then have them serve as the backdrop to my parents’ dissolving marriage and ensuing domestic struggle fills me with such a specific sadness. Having those movies sitting there, night after lonely night of just himself in California, watching his kids hate him and his wife slipping away as the job turns on him and makes him feel utterly alone in the world. Its a lot.

It was years later when I opened the plastic of each blu ray. As of this June, these movies will never serve their intended purpose, and he has himself and more to blame for it.