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chaosduckies · 5 months ago

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Friends in Small Places (Chapter 2)

Whattt two chapters in the span of two days? Wow even I’m surprised. But thank you for all the support on the first chapter! I hope you enjoy this one too!

Word Count: 4.2k

CW: Major Anxiety, slight dehumanization

2-Liam

The rest of the day was spent just getting used to everything. There was no way for me get onto anything without climbing, which by the way, I had had zero upper body strength. They didn’t really think through with this, did they? But otherwise, it wasn’t so bad. Cas pretty much left me alone, though I’m sure he wanted to talk. I would have liked to, but I was afraid I’d do something stupid. My sleeping situation wasn’t really the best either, considering I was too afraid to be held, let alone carried, so I was left with just sleeping on the floor. I wasn’t too picky about it, but I guess Cas felt bad and brought over blanket and just folded it a couple of times to act as a mattress and a blanket at the same time.

I woke up a little earlier than I usually do to get ready to go to classes. I don’t really understand how they expect me to keep up with everything all at once, but hey, college. They don’t care about your personal problems. I hurried to grab my bag, then realized that I couldn’t exactly get out without turning the doorknob, which was currently fifty feet above me. I didn’t really want to wake up Cas, but I also didn’t want to be late for class. Which one was a better option? Waking up Cas. How was I going to do it? I had no idea. There was no harm in at least trying though, right?

His room was pretty small, only fitting a twin-sized bed with a small desk that had what looked like a couple of notebooks. Cas was sleeping his bed, the blanket almost covering up his entire face. I sucked in a deep breath, forcing words to come out of my mouth.

“Cas?” He didn’t hear.

I moved a little closer from my spot on the ground, not minding the dark abyss that was under his bed. Totally not creeped out.

“Cas!” He moved around now, but didn’t wake up. I was starting to get worried before a loud alarm rang high above me, but still hurting my ears. I covered them up, pressing my back against what I was hoping was his nightstand. So loud… My head was slightly throbbing, but finally the alarm was turned off. I looked up, seeing Cas yawning then struggle to sit up. He groaned, his eyes drowsily staring down at the floor, then trailed off to me. Maybe I should have just waited. Why does he have an alarm set anyways? Did he have somewhere to be?

“Sorry! I’m so sorry.” He apologized, sitting on the floor so he was’t looming over me as much. Why was he worrying about me? My entire job was to be worried about him. Literally. Still, it made me feel a bit better to think that he’s self-aware of everything he does.

“You’re fine! It was just a little loud.” I laughed nervously, still messing with my ears to make sure I could still hear properly. Cas’s hand moved closer to me, retracting almost immediately. My heart was beating fast, but I never flinched. Mostly because I think I was just frozen in fear for that split second, but still. Does that count as something?

“Did-Did you need something?” He asked, fidgeting with his hands as if he was distracting himself from something. Was I also getting the subtle hint that something else was wrong? What could it be? Did I somehow hurt his feelings? I hope I didn’t… I would feel bad, plus I’d have to figure out some way to calm him down when I’d probably be less than an inch tall to him. I hope that never happens, but I’m sure it’s inevitable.

“Just if y-you could open the front door. I-I have classes to go to. P-Please?” My voice came out a little shaky, and I could only assume that Cas didn’t ignore it. Instead, he tried his best to give a smile while nodding his head, “Do you mind waiting a minute? I’ve gotta get dressed.” He moved out of the way for me to walk over to the door. As soon as I took a few steps out, he lightly closed his door behind me. What does he have to get dressed for? Why so early in the morning too?

It only took him around five minutes to get dressed and all ready, wearing a similar long sleeve shirt as yesterday and a pair of slightly baggy sweatpants. Seriously, where was he going? I guess he has his own reasons. It’s probably best if I don’t ask until later, when we actually get to know each other better. Plus, it’s mostly likely going to be something with the SSU anyways. He does have a red band after all. It’s not really my place to ask.

“Do you um, know how long you’ll be gone?” Cas asked sadly. Like he didn’t want me to leave in the first place. Would he feel lonely? It would make sense. Could I just stay here? I wouldn’t think so in all honesty. I would hate for something bad to happen while I was gone. What if something actually does? Would I be held responsible? Of course I would. It’s stupid to even think that I wouldn’t. What if I just gave Cas my number? If there really was a problem then the school would be forced to let me go handle it. But hopefully it’ll never come to that.

“Just until around two. I-I can give you my number if anything happens. Would that help?” I explained, doing my best to hide how shaky my voice was. My head was getting a little dizzy from staring up at him the entire time. Couldn’t he be a human height? Or was it just hard for him? Most likely the latter. I feel like if he’s so scared of hurting someone at the size he’s at right now, then he’d definitely want to be human sized. Maybe I could help him work on that? Would that make him feel better about himself?

Cas stared at me a little shocked, just about to reach for the door handle. He gave an unsure look before sitting down a little closer to me and pulling out his phone with a shaky hand. Was he scared? Of what? My heart fell, not seeing how someone who held so much power could feel scared.

He turned his phone to face me, the screen dimmed and the keypad already out. I thought he was going to just say his out loud, but I guess this works too. I typed my number in, having to reach far above my head to reach the top numbers, but otherwise I managed it.

I nodded while stepping back, seeing the shock on his face reappear as he clicked a button. His eyes darted between me and his phone. Thinking about what to text? I guess he didn’t want to say something stupid? My phone went off soon enough. I dug it out of my pocket in my bag and looked, smiling.

Unknown: Thank you

“Anytime.” Cas gave the best smile he could muster, slowly standing up and opening the front door. The sun was barely rising, and there a few people leaving for what I was guessing work. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to walk by next to them. It hasn’t even been a full day with Cas and I’m already wary about being next to him when he’s walking around the place. Though, I do catch him almost constantly checking the ground for anything. Or anyone. It was oddly… relieving.

I stepped outside, taking a few steps outside and waiting for the door to close behind me, but instead, Cas walked outside too stepping slightly over me to lock the door behind him. I’m surprised I didn’t run off that very second. My heart started racing fast and my body trembled a little. Even after all of that I didn’t move. But he just stepped over me like a bug. Nonono. He doesn’t think that, does he? I’d sincerely doubt it. He probably just didn’t realize. All the more reason to watch where I am and where he is at all times.

We both went in opposite directions, Cas mouthed a goodbye before walking off. I guess everything will be alright. What could go wrong? Just that something happens to Cas and then he shifts, I get in trouble for it, spend the rest of my life in jail for abandoning my “job” that I’m not even being paid for, and then eventually face the damage and destruction that could have been avoided if I had just stayed with him. Don’t think about it…

Yeah, yeah, it’ll be fine. Just go through the day like any other, come back, and everything will be fine. Yup. It’ll play out just like that. I won’t even have to see Cas calling me. Everything will go just as I played it out in my head. I go to my classes, hang out with my friends for a while, then head back and Cas is a-okay. This is exactly how it’s going to go. Because I don’t think I can handle what would happen if it didn’t.

——————

Halfway through day I sat through a lecture for my anatomy class. Apparently human jaws are just a strong as a sharks, but our minds just don’t let us use all of the strength. Cool, right? But that was currently not on my mind as I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket. The person sitting beside me glared. I smiled nervously as I looked for Chelsey in my seat, who was sitting on the other side of the classroom. I stood up, hoping no one would mind and walked up to her. We were both friends, even if we barely talk. Only at small gatherings or when she helps me with studying everyone once in a while.

“Hey Liam!” She piped up, her usual cheery self. I held up my phone, a worried look on my face, “I-I, um, I need to go…” She would understand, right? She was also assigned to a shifter after all. She looked at me confused, then made a shocked face, her lips forming an “o” while nodding her head.

“I’ll cover for you. It’s not like they can get mad at you anyways.” She whispered. I whispered a thank you before rushing to grab my bag and walk out of the room. At the time, the professor wasn’t even in there, so I hope Chelsey would help me out. But I trust her.

I dialed Cas back, hearing it ring for several seconds before he picked up. I wasn’t actually expecting something to happen! My only problem was how I was going to get there. It’s a thirty minute drive just to get to the other side of the city! I’m a college student without my own car, which isn’t really the best outcome right now.

“Hey! Um, are-are you alright?” I stuttered, almost running to catch a taxi- or really anything that could get me there in time. No bus came here around this time.

“N-Not real-“ I heard a loud thump! “Ouch- on second thought you don’t have to come here.” He nervously laughed, groaning immediately after. What was that sound? Did he hit something? I bit the bottom of my lip, slightly terrified of what I’ll see when I get there. If I ever will anyways.

“Just take deep breaths, okay? I-I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I rushed down the street to an empty taxi, opening the back door and saying the address to the driver who was actually extremely nice.

“I-I’m sorry to ask this, but how long until we get there?” I sadly asked, feeling bad that I might be placing pressure on him. Instead, he just laughed, “I know a shortcut, around a fifteen minute drive from here.”

“Thank you so much.” I sighed, handing him a twenty dollar bill. I only really had to pay around ten dollars, but the extra ten won’t hurt. The older man gasped before he heard a loud noise come from my phone. I jumped, extremely worried now, “Cas, you good?”

He didn’t answer for a while, and when he did, his voice came out pained. Kind of like how you sound when you’re losing your voice, “Yeah, yeah. I just hit the ceiling-“ Hit the ceiling? Is he being serious? There’s no way. How could I even- So how small would I be to him? Would he even see me? They should’ve switched Ryan and I. At least he’s a shifter too so maybe it would’ve been easier for him. Instead they get an insignificant, little human who can’t even do a single thing right.

“Okay, um, c-can you wait fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah, I think so.” He groaned, moving around to what was hopefully a more comfortable position for him. The driver looked at me confused.

“…Do you want me to stay on call?” I asked quietly, extremely scared of what I’ll see in about ten minutes.

“Yes! I-I mean, yes please.” He immediately replied. I was a little shocked, but at least maybe I could delay the inevitable. For about ten minutes. Not really that long but it’s fine. Hahaha- yup. I’m totally not going to be around a literal titan and have to try to calm them down. What even made him lose control? He seemed okay before. Maybe it was when he went out?

“Hey, if it’s alright to ask, what happened?” I kept my voice calm and collected even though everything in my body wanted to jump out of this car right now and make a run for it.

“Just some new pills that the company gave me this morning. They’re supposed to help me stay at a human size, but they’re still working out a few things. Ow-“ He sucked in a sharp breath on the other end. The company gives him pills? They didn’t bother to mention that to me? I think the more shocking news was that he needed pills to help him stay at a human size. So he just can’t regularly? Or maybe that’s just for shifters with a red band? That’s probably it. I didn’t know much about it though if I’m being honest. Most things about shifters are disclosed to only the SSU.

“It hurts you?” My voice came out shocked as the driver took a right turn, entering the neighborhood and riding down the street.

“Well, i-it’s not supposed to. It’s a new medicine they’re trying out.” He laughed nervously. Please don’t let me pass out. The house came into view. Nothing looked out of the ordinary thankfully. He can tell me all about whatever medicine they gave him after I deal with what’s happening inside.

The driver stopped slowly at the house, looking back it then to me, “Are you sure this is the right house?” My body started shaking just thinking about walking in. What would happen? What if he doesn’t see me and moves in a wrong way? What would I even do if he couldn’t hear me? How do people do this for a living?

“Oh y-yeah. Thank you so much!” I slammed the twenty I was still hanging on to on the passenger seat and rushed out of the car, grabbing my bag in the process. The taxi had left, and I started slowing down when I reached the door. Cas would have to open it. Because of course they don’t have anything human-sized. They just want to make my “job” harder.

“Hey Cas, do you… you mind opening the door?” My voice quivered. As much as I tried to hide it, of course I can’t for forever. What kind of psychology student am I if I can’t even deal with my own thoughts and emotions? Why did I think I could handle someone else’s? Don’t think like that, you’ll be fine. I had to tell myself as the door opened. I didn’t look up, scared that if I did I’d just run off before I could even take a single step inside.

I hung up the phone when I walked inside, trying to hide the fact that I could literally hear every single time Cas had moved, which wasn’t something that was happening before. A few deep breaths, and I forced myself to look up. It took everything in my will to not run. It’s like a fight or flight instinct. When a person see’s something big, or something that looks powerful, our instincts kick in. In my case, I had a third option. Stand absolutely still and quiet.

Cas didn’t say anything either, squinting down at me with a sorry expression. Oh this is just going to be so… fun.

———Cas———

There were no words to describe how terrified I was right now. Why did I call Liam in the first place? It was a stupid idea, but I didn’t want him to get mad at me for not telling him. I thought today would have been fine. I’ve been taking my anti-depressants and I’ve been trying to at least look happy just so Liam would think I wasn’t that bad, but apparently not. I know he’s scared too, but I didn’t entirely understand why he stays. The old therapist I had was mean and didn’t let me go anywhere without her. She would boss me around, and eventually she left because of some complaints. So why did I get the feeling that Liam was different? Because he was only a year older than me? Because, so far, he’s given me freedom to do what I wanted?

Seeing him so tiny made everything in my body go on caution. I didn’t move at all as he stared up in horror. I tried my best to stay in a confined space, my head just barely inches from hitting the ceiling again. I kept my legs close to my chest, my arms around them. I try not to break anything while I’m this size, but somehow something always does. I never know what to do when I lose control of my emotions. It’s why I take so much medicine to make sure I don’t in the first place, but the company makes me and a lot of other people try out new pills they make once every other week. Sometimes it makes me stay at a human size for just a couple minutes, or sometimes it just makes me grow, like it did now. Or nothing happens besides making me feel sick for a day or two. They were trying to figure out a way to keep the shifters like me at a regular human size for longer than we can physically handle it.

This time though, it hurt. It felt like something was ripping apart my abdomen from the inside. My heard hurt, a lot, and my muscles were killing me. It’s not like I could move though. I didn’t want to mess up the place, plus, Liam was here and I’d rather not hurt him. I really, really don’t want to hurt anyone. I can’t put the weight on my conscience. Then everyone would have a whole ew problem to deal with- and then I’d be blamed for everything.

I winced when my head banged up against the ceiling again. Just calm down. Don’t make Liam do something he doesn’t want to-My eyes darted to where the tiny figure on the floor was, now shakily moving towards my hand. I let out a quiet yelp, moving my hand away and trying me best to keep my back pressed up against the wall behind me without breaking it.

“Nonono, I’m fine I promise.” I laughed while putting on the best fake smile I could muster while wrapping an arm around the side of my abdomen, where it was throbbing the most. What did they even put in it this time? Why was he forcing himself to try and help me? I would be okay, right? I didn’t need to make him do anything. I could do this myself. I’m not even spiraling into my thoughts right now. Imagine what Liam must be thinking right now. “If he’s not even losing control of his emotions what would happen if he does?” I shuddered at the thought. It does get pretty bad though. I wonder if the others are going through with the same thing.

I could tell that Liam was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear him. I didn’t really want to make him yell, but I also didn’t want to scare him half to death.

“S-sorry, I can’t hear you… Is it okay if I move?” I asked, feeling a bit saddened. I wish I wasn’t even a shifter. I wouldn’t even be in this mess if I would’ve just stayed normal. Just like everyone else. I wouldn’t need to have someone watching over me constantly, I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting anyone smaller than me, maybe I could see my parents more than just once a month. My heart skipped a beat, and I knew that I couldn’t wait for some sort of confirmation if I could move. I hurried to lay down, flipping my stomach, trying to keep my limbs close my body. I groaned, knowing that I just made everything so much worse.

I buried my head under my arms, facing the floor. I bit down on my jaw for a while while the abdominal pain started up again, then went away after a while. Okay, maybe the medicine isn’t the only thing making me shift sizes right now. Just calm down… take small breaths.

“C-Cas, can you hear me now?” A worried and panicked voice filled my head. I peaked out, seeing Liam a small distance away from my face. But still too close for comfort. Please move away, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I thought to myself, thinking that if I talked it would only do more harm than good.

“L-Look, u-um…” I could tell he was in a panic, and I wish that he wasn’t in the first place, “I-I don’t k-know. U-um, how about just a few deep breaths, ‘kay?” He took a few of his own, gripping a chunk of his shirt against his chest. I did as he told me too, finding that it was working just a little bit as I felt myself shrinking down a couple feet.

“Is the medicine making you… grow?” He asked, confused, but also still under a small panic attack. My only answer was a slight nod, my heartbeat calming down, but the pain in my muscles and head never going away. Yup, tomorrow will just be a resting day at this point. I should probably clean up whatever mess I’ve made though.

“Okay, think you can calm down enough to go back to the smallest size you can?” He breathed, his body trembling. He was still a student right? That would make sense. The therapist I used to have knew almost exactly what she had to do. Or at least what she thought, she needed to do. I only calmed down because she was practically threatening me at that point. Liam, on the other hand, apparently didn’t know what to do. Or maybe he did but he scared to do it. All I knew was that I’d have to listen to him to make his job easier.

I nodded again, picking my body up as much as I could and trying to think about anything good. You’ll get to see your parents next week. Your old therapist is gone. And soon enough I was at my minimum at the moment. Liam was still extremely small, like a centimeter tall, which didn’t at all put me at ease, but I have no idea how long I’d be stuck at this size. Hours maybe? I laid back down on my stomach, groaning and facing the hard floor.

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered.

“It’s fine! It’s not your fault, I promise.” Liam explained, sitting down near my face again just so I could hear him. I would have preferred for him to be as far away as possible from me, but I can’t say anything. He is technically my boss after all. But it makes me kind of glad to think that he came over here just to help me out. I think I would have been fine either way, but it would’ve gone a lot slower.

“Are you okay though? You look pale.” He asked me.

“Mhm. The pills this time just hurt a whole lot.” My head was throbbing. Why couldn’t I just be normal? I wouldn’t have to take those stupid testing pills in the first place. I felt my eyes closing.

“Alright, how about you get some rest? Maybe you’ll feel better after?” He offered, I nodded my head while yawning and doing what he said. Yup. Hopefully I would. I just hope I don’t do something stupid while sleeping. ——————

This is my first time writing some about sizeshifters so I think I’m doing an okay job at it?

And we finally get some g/t. Sort of I guess. I planned for this chapter to be longer, but then I didn’t want the one after to be too short. Aghhh idk

But thank you for reading! I hope you all have a great day/night :D

Taglist: @da3dm

#G/t #g/t community #g/t writing #sfw g/t #giant/tiny #Surpriseeee you get a pov from Cas :3 #Poor Liam doesn’t know what to do #He will eventually though #Trust #Cas is just too afraid to let anyone help #Thank you guys for reading!#It means so much to me :D #oc: casper #oc: liam #love you guys ❤️

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ananke-xiii · 2 months ago

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Maybe they titled it “Tombstone” because that’s when s13 stopped making sense.

Or: how the “Jack made Cas see Paradise” beat was dumped on Kelly and how Jack is very much like Fleabag because “No one’s asked me a question in 45 minutes”.

I wish I could share in the general excitement surrounding this episode but, to me, its “feel-good” energy is too much of a foreboding for the rest to come that I’m like, nooooo, I can’t take iiiiiittt. After this episode the season completely derails: Castiel’s character doesn’t make sense anymore, Sam and Dean go back and forth in a plot that’s a joke and Jack… where’s Jack? Do we still have a character named Jack? Ah, yes, here he is, maybe I see him.

In the second scene of the episode we have on one side of the room Jack and Dean, the two characters who are very much emotional because of Cas’ return.

Jack is super tender when he approaches Cas and tells him that he missed him. He’s also super zealous to show his father that he’s been learning to master his powers (he can move a pencil!) and that he has gathered enough knowledge about the family business to find a case, a hunter’s case. His purpose in this episode is to demonstrate to his father that he fits in, that he’s good.

Dean’s also in high spirits and it’s because of Cas’ return as well but the reason is, of course, different. Clearly, he doesn’t have anything to prove to him but he’s euphoric about his “win”. He was literally dead not even 24h prior when he was desperate for an anchor that would reconnect him with meaning and reality. Well, not any anchor. He specifically needed Castiel because, unlike with his mother, Dean didn’t get to have any reconciliation with Cas in s12.

CASTIEL: I don't... What are you doing here? DEAN: Saving your ass. SAM: You and Kelly just taking off was a stupid move. But there's no way we're letting Lucifer get his hands on that kid. It ain't happening. DEAN: Look, Sam's right, okay? We'll work through our crap. We always do. But right now, we are here to get you, get Kelly, and get gone.

Narrator’s voice: they’ll never work through their “crap”. Sigh.

On the other side of the room we have Castiel, who’s fresh off the Empty and looks like he could use a day or two of rest, and Sam, who’s mentally trying to figure out if it was Jack who resurrected Castiel and how he can apply this knowledge to saving Mary. Both Cas and Sam are the ones who are, if not downright contrary, not particularly over the moon by the prospect of working a case.

The tragedy is that both Jack and Dean are so happy about it that it almost feels like they can all forget about the fact that they had to burn Cas but now he's here, that Dean had thoughtlessly run towards death 2 seconds before and that Jack very much doesn’t know yet how to control his powers. In other words, this scene forecasts disaster.

This episode also marks Cas’ first attempt at parenting Jack and it goes both well and disastrously bad for him. Now, parenting is a fucking hard job consisting of infinite responsibilities, one of which is saying no and setting boundaries. This is how Cas starts parenting Jack.

The good news for Cas is that he seems to instinctively predict Jack’s actions, thus knowing when it’s time to say “no”. The slightly bad news is that Jack doesn’t listen to him. And, I mean, this totally makes sense because 1. Jack’s all happy and energized about “his” case; 2. he’s very eager to show off what he has learnt; 3. this is his first chance with his father, it’s like a clean slate for him and he really wants to pass the exam with a “good” stamped on his forehead.

Three times Cas tells Jack “No” and three times Jack disobeys.

The first time is when Jack wants to wake up Dean to tell him about the police update and Cas tells him that he “wouldn’t do that”. Jack, however, would very much want to and so he finds himself face to face with Dean’s gun. Things will get very bad.

The second time Cas tells Jack “No” is when they’re outside the bank and Cas tells Jack to stay where he is but Jack tells him that he’s “got this”. Which he doesn’t because he accidentally kills the security guard.

The third and final time that Cas tells Jack “No” is before he disappears from the bunker. He does it anyway.

Now this might sound strange but, so far, Cas hasn’t done that bad. This is the super-secret that SPN doesn’t want you to know but disobeying the father is actually not that big of a deal, rather it’s quite healthy and it also makes sense for Jack because he’s known his chosen father for maybe less than two days. Their relationship has just started and they need to find their own balance. What’s more important here is the fact that Cas can foresee and understand Jack’s actions, which is a victory for everybody because so far in the season he’s the only one who’s been able to do that.

What he totally fails at is, unfortunately, trying to understand who Jack is. Sam, Dean and Cas have their own (different) opinion about who Jack is and they all hold tight to their beliefs. One thing that always struck me is that nobody asks Jack any question. For me this means that nobody is trying to understand him, they're not curious enough to want to get to know someone like Jack.

Jack is good or evil or special and that's it. And "that's it" because Sam, Dean and Cas see him that way but there isn’t much communication going on in that damn bunker. For instance, when Cas comes back he tells Jack that Sam and Dean have told him that he’s doing well. I don’t want to say it’s a lie but it’s a lie. Nobody is doing well since May 18th. Jack agrees but promptly changes the subject by showing him the pencil trick. This is deflection 101.

One thing that Sam and Cas have in common, though, is that their idea of Jack is strictly dependent on what they think about Kelly and I can’t help but grimace because of it.

Sam, for completely unknown reasons, thinks Kelly was a “good” person, therefore Jack must have a good, perhaps “stronger” side in him that can win over Lucifer’s evilness. Leaving aside for a moment that this a backward, problematic view of maternity, Sam can’t possibly know if Kelly was a good person or not because the two maybe talked to each other one or two times and both times weren’t particularly meaningful moments for either of them. Not saying Kelly wasn’t a good person, just underlining that Sam’s beliefs about Jack are based on his own assumptions bearing zero evidence of reality and founded on outdated notions about maternity.

Cas, on the other hand, thinks Kelly believed that Jack would change the world for the better and so he does too. The thing is, though, if we look back at s12 it’s not Kelly who thought that her son would change the world, it’s Castiel. Kelly thought that she was part of a plan, that she and Cas were destined for something great. She wasn’t the one who had the vision of the future, Castiel had. We have to consider two things here: what Kelly meant by “something great” and Cas’ utopic vision that we don’t see.

I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again: not even one writer was interested in giving Kelly a little bit of backstory so that we could have an insight on how she is as, you know, a Real Character. As far as motherhood (the sole defining trait of her character) is concerned, we know she wanted to do the “baby thing” with the President and that she had always dreamt about being a mother.

What we do know for sure, however, is that she was a pregnant woman who: was sexually assaulted, abducted, forced to suddenly understand and comply with the supernatural world’s dynamics, abducted again, chained, had committed suicide, had been resurrected, was abducted again, was intimidated by two strangers to get into their car to go to an underground bunker so that they could perform whatever the hell Sam planned to do on her. So, I ask, maybe, just maybe, is it possible to view her behavior and her words in “The Future” as those of someone who probably had all the rights to be on the verge of a mental breakdown? They could’ve framed her “fanaticism” re: Jack's birth as, perhaps, a way to cope with the living hell she was subjected to during her pregnancy. To give meaning to what was happening to her. Regardless of the framing, the show makes a point to tell us that she first and then Cas, Kelly thought, were the ones destined for something great. The writers compared her to Rosemary (from the movie/book "Rosemary's Baby"), like, three times. I hoped that it was a way to signal the abuse she had to endure but I don't think it's the case, sadly.

This is a part of Kelly and Cas’ dialogue in “The Future” that I particularly hate:

Kelly: Maybe. Or maybe it was a miracle. Maybe – maybe everything that I've been through, everything that I still have to go through, is happening for a reason. Maybe it's part of some plan. Castiel: No, it isn't. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly. Lucifer, he's just breaking toys. He's sowing destruction and chaos, and there is no grand purpose at work. And there's no special role for you. When Lucifer took over Rooney's body, I'm sorry. You were just there.

While I understand that Castiel here is more speaking about himself than about Kelly and he, as well, is very well much on the verge of a menty b, I find it so utterly unfair to tell her that she was “just there”.

First of all, NO, if anything, Lucifer was “just there”, she was where she had her right to be, doing her job, sleeping with her partner, talking about her dreams, living her life. That was her life and it was destroyed in an instant, it was only human that she needed a way to make sense of what she was going through. Pregnancy is already a nightmare and, on top of that, she had to go through all that?

And second of all, she literally came back to life after suicide, how couldn’t she not start behaving weirdly? I know the writers were writing Supernatural were Death has only value for characters without any “special role” in the narrative, but come on, they literally just wrote a character telling another character that she has slit her wrists and this is the reply she gets: you’re not special, what happened to you was because you were just there. Brrrrrrrr.

But let’s move to my second point.

Let’s talk about Castiel’s vision. Because, you see, we think that Jack manipulated him but how do we really know it? Yes, there’s that cut scene but it was cut nevertheless and it’s crucial that we don’t see it because, by not seeing it, we can’t really know for sure if Jack had manipulated Cas for real.

Let’s compare it with what Kelly sees when Jack sends her “visions of the future” and what we see: Kelly sees what will happen next in the episode. Period. We see the same thing. Period. No mention of destiny, just the future in the very sense of “what’s going to happen in the next few hours”. She, like us, doesn’t know what Jack has supposedly made Cas see. We know she hasn’t seen anything because in “All Along the Watchtower” we have this little scene here:

KELLY: Tell me again. Tell me again what you saw. CASTIEL: Right, I saw– I saw... I saw the future. I saw a world without pain or hunger or want. I saw the world that this child... that your child... KELLY: Mm. CASTIEL: ...will create. KELLY: Mm. CASTIEL: And it is a world without fear and without suffering and without hate. KELLY: Mm. CASTIEL: I saw paradise.

So the one who was in love with the idea of Jack’s special destiny was not Kelly but Cas.

This is why this dialogue from “Tombstone” seems suspicious to me:

CASTIEL: Yeah, I know she is. Kelly was… She was a very brave woman. JACK: She left me a message. She said I had an angel watching over me. CASTIEL [sighs]: Jack, I'm so sorry. I-I should've been here for you. JACK: No. It's okay. It's just… I understand why she trusted you. Why I trusted you. CASTIEL: You remember that? JACK: I remember feeling… safe. CASTIEL: Jack, your mother, she believed that you would do amazing things. She said that you would change the world for the better. And now, looking at you, talking to you, I know that she was right, that we were right. Kelly would be so proud of you.

I think that the reason why we don’t see Cas’ vision in s12 is because the show wanted to do something with it in s13. It might be the case, what with all the talk about how “Paradise on earth” the Original World seems to be compared to Apocalypse World in s13. I mean, these are just my speculations but it could be. Because, as a matter of fact, Cas’ vision of Jack’s future is dropped in favor of Kelly’s vision of Jack’s future and this… actually never happens?

What we know , though, is that Kelly tells Jack the following in “Patience”:

Kelly: Jack, don’t let anyone tell you who you’re supposed to be. Because who you’re supposed to be isn’t fate, it isn’t me, it isn’t your father. You are who you choose to be. And I know you’re going to okay. You are going to be amazing. You have an angel watching over you.

She’s telling Jack that who he is isn’t fate, that he can choose who he wants to be. I mean, there’s definitely something off going on here.

Maybe they just dropped Cas’ “I saw the future” beat (that was presented as what convinced Cas to save Jack) on Kelly because, by the time the writers started planning s13, they decided that they weren’t gonna use it anymore? I don’t know, what I’m saying, though, is that Kelly was more focused on her kid being good rather than evil as everybody assumed, whereas it was Cas who “saw” Jack change the world for the better. But we don’t see what Cas sees so we have to take his and Dean’s word for it. And both words seem to be pretty biased. At any rate, something doesn’t add up in between s12 and s13.

So, to recap: what we have seen is that Kelly has never actually said that her son would do great things, but that she believed that her son would be good. It was Castiel who believed that Jack would create great things in the future because of a vision neither us nor Kelly have ever seen. Even if we consider the cut scene it still doesn’t account for the difference between Kelly’s and Cas’ visions and/or why Kelly didn’t see what Cas saw.

Another person that underlies the “to be vs to do” dilemma is Mia Vallens where in “The Big Empty” she shapeshifts into Kelly:

JACK: Sam thinks you were right, that—that I’m good. He wants me to believe it, and I wanna believe it, too. It’s just, I… I’ve hurt people. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. And I know I should feel bad, and I say I feel bad, but most of the time, I mostly… I don’t feel anything. And that’s why I think maybe… Maybe I’m a monster. MIA/KELLY: Jack. It doesn’t matter what you are. It matters what you do. And even monsters can do good in this world. JACK: You really believe that? MIA/KELLY: I have to. I have to.

First of all, Mia is telling Jack that he’s a monster, lol. And she literally doesn’t know he’s a Nephilim so WTF? Anyway, the things are two: either the writers were drunk when they wrote this (Jack: “I’ve hurt people, I think I’m a monster” Mia: “It doesn’t matter what you are, only what you do”. MIA, ffs, THIS IS WHAT HE HAS JUST TOLD YOU, HELLO????? HELLO???? He’s just told you that he has done something that makes him think he’s a monster, how do you not see how your advice is shit?) or, more probably, they blatantly wanted to remind us that the person who’s speaking is not Kelly but a shapeshifter who tries to do good things to atone for her past crimes. She has to believe that because of her own past, not Jack, not Kelly, Mia.

What’s more, Jack saying he doesn’t feel anything… doesn’t really mean he doesn’t feel anything. Since he was born he’s been living with two men obsessing over “good and evil”, two concepts he still clearly and rightfully doesn’t understand because nobody is explaining him shit. How is he supposed to know? Of course he’s confused as to how or what he should feel.

For example, by the end of “Tombstone” Jack is evidently confused and ashamed. He feels shame because he has “failed” in front of his father, his “failure” resulted in the death of an innocent man and, what’s more, Sam, Cas and Dean are talking about him in the other room like he’s just proven that he’ll never be good. Excluding and talking about someone when this someone is feeling shame is, like, the worst response ever.

No wonder the episode ends like this:

SAM: Jack, look, this life, what we do, it's… it's not easy. And we've all done things we regret. JACK: Just don't. You're afraid of me. CASTIEL: Jack, no. JACK: No, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just another monster. DEAN: No, you're not. I thought you were. I did. But… Like Sam said, we've all done bad. We all have blood on our hands. So if you're a monster, we're all monsters. JACK: No, you don't… Every time I try and do something good, people get hurt. I thought I was getting better. I'm not… I don't know what I am, but I know I can't make the world a better place, not like this. I can't even do one good thing. And I know that if I stay, I'm gonna hurt you. All of you. And… I can't. You're all I have.

My heart aches a little at the words “You’re all I have” because they have all failed him so much and he literally doesn’t have anyone else.

Also, Jack echoing of Cas’ words “She said that you would change the world for the better” resembles what Chuck told Sam and Dean in s11 and that Dean paraphrases in his prayer to him: “You said the earth would be fine because it had me… and it had Sam” discarding them as false (can’t shake the feeling that they wanted to go somewhere with that “Paradise on earth” crap).

All Jack has has unfortunately failed him: Sam has failed him with his training mentality that bore no fruit and made Jack think that he had value only if he succeeded; Dean has failed him because he both threatened to kill him and provided “shelter” for him putting Jack in the position of basically having to live with his possible executioner (we know Dean wouldn’t eventually do it but the point is that Jack doesn’t and Dean’s threats deeply, deeply affect him).

Cas was the only one who could have had a real shot with Jack but he arrived tooo lateeee! And he (understandably) came back with his own package of preconceived ideas, ideas that made it all worse because Cas didn't know that Jack was noooot doing well! I hate SPN, why would they do this to meeeee?

Of course Jack would eventually run away. Perhaps the major takeaway from all this is that he did way better on his own than with the three of them. And that says a lot.

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