#Summer happens and I remember I am actually very very very disabled | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

crsinclair · 2 years ago

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so here's the scoop

Actually before that, I wanna say that I've participated in the Erasermic Omegaverses Zine this year, can't remember if I yelled about that on here? I was a fic writer for that - if you like Erasermic and like ABO, here's the link to the collection on Ao3! Mind the tags on the individual fics, please! ANYWAY. I've had. A fucking. Time. Kinda a rant and also an explanation for why I've been absent and also why I linked my kofi at the bottom of this. A lot of shit happened!🙃 This summer, my Papa passed away. I loved him. I really did. He was funny, kind, and he took shit from absolutely no one. If it hadn't been him I would have said I wasn't going to go help out and I was just going to go to the funeral. But it was him, so I told my friends that I was going back to the city, and I was going to help settle everything, pack his things, etc, because I loved him. I should have stayed home. First of all, my family treated me like free labor and like shit while I was there to help out. Second of all, I got into a car accident on the way to the funeral and the guy who hit me tried to intimidate me into not calling the police before driving off - and yes, I was injured. Third, my family "expressed concern" over my injury and then proceeded to have me write the obituary, decorate the funeral room alone, and asked me to be a pallbearer while injured. I could go into so much more detail but I'll spare you the horror of My Family™️. I'm honestly surprised I made it home without collapsing. AND ON THAT NOTE: A week later, I did collapse. Dramatically, and with flair. I was recovering from both whiplash, grief, and having to spend time with My Family™️ and over at my friend's grandmother's house when suddenly I didn't feel well. I stood up to splash some water on my face, got into the restroom, realized, "Hm, this is more serious than Not Feeling Well, I should tell someone Right Fucking Now," wobbled back into the other room, told the grandmother that something was wrong, and then proceeded to collapse to the ground and have a heart attack. After that, my heart rate would not calm the fuck down and I had wild heart palpitations for the next seven hours! Yes, I went to the hospital. I have been to the hospital twice more after that, had several more doctor appointments, have had several tests done (including a Tilt Table test, which 0/10, do not recommend), and there's plenty more that I could talk about (like the Tilt Table test, though I might just make a TikTok account for just to rant about that akdhfa it's both not funny and FUNNY), but what it all boils down to is this: I have a very, very severe case POTS all of a sudden and my doctor is still trying to figure out what the hell caused it. Currently I'm trying for disability benefits because I legitimately cannot work - my sleep schedule is fucked, my energy levels are all over the place, I can't stand for long at all without fainting and I can't sit for varying length of time without the same. I hate to even do this, but I'm a broke bitch who has medical bills for tests and operations (god I have one in just a few days and I am NOT looking forward to it) that I can't pay for because I don't have insurance, so: Here's my kofi page if you'd like to buy me a coffee or help me not stress about the multiple doctors visits I have every month!

I do have, like, actual things I want to talk about other than "Oh this is what I've been up to - BEING SICK" - like the cute EMic fics I have in the works, the Cheeky Brat fic I've been working on and haven't been talking about on here because it's 🤭 e x p l i c i t (teehee) and even my DnD shit that is mostly entirely self indulgent but I don't care I'm going to shove it in your faces anyway.

Anyways, that's what I've been up to. I've posted about a good portion of this on Twitter, so I know some of you guys know about this, but I wanted to give Tumblr a heads up that I am bed ridden and Doing My Best.😫

#ravyn rants #yeesh it's been a r i d e #health problems #life update #i hate asking for help #and asking for money #but i acknowledge that i am rubbing together imaginary pennies at this point #any help that can be given would be very appreciated #i might even do tiny doodles in return #tiny ones #chibi #ravyn rants in the tags #anyway also go check out the omegaverses zine fics they're all great #and some of them have the art in them!!#good stuff good stuff

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loki-darkprince-odinson · 4 years ago

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King Loki, I apologize for the rant but I would like some advice.

My father always makes me feel like complete garbage. He is always putting me down, never appreciates me, and makes my depression so much worse. I'm fixing up a house to move in with my friends but I'm still stuck at the house since my parents won't help me get my license or a car, much less a job. I cook, do dishes, take care of the pets, take out the trash, get the mail, do my laundry, wash towels, and help with their laundry. I also take care of my sick mother and while I'm currently on summer break, I'm going to college to become a clinical psychologist. Even then, my father will point out other things that I don't do, and expects me to clean the entire house every day. He always talks about how he needs to do everything around the house yet all he does is sleep, play video games, and watch television. He also says he works hard yet on many occasions he says he sits on his ass all day on his tablet. He also yells so much. I get scared every day when he starts yelling because I worry he may leave us, which he has threatened before, or he may actually hit us. He never has hit either my mother or I yet, and says he never would but he slams and throws things when angry at us so it's his way of showing us how much he wants to hit us, even if he doesn't realize it. However, not only do I have many responsibilities, My depression makes it difficult for me to do much, and he makes it worse. Even when I do try to clean the house he always makes comments such as: "About time." or "How long until it gets cleaned next time?" or "This was half assed, you didn't do it right." I have tried so hard to have a connection with him but I'm so tired of fighting for a relationship that he doesn't care about. I can't address my concerns with him because he will threaten to not take me to college and pay the bills. Do you have any advice to help me deal with my father until I can escape?

Best regards, Catrina.

“Catrina,” Loki drawls, in his smooth resonate voice. “I firstly must commend your good work. For caring for your ill mother, minding the household needs, and that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for a rest; that you keep on living even if you do not know how to anymore. Secondly, you have my deepest sympathies for your grievances. I am all too familiar with what it is like to seek the approval of a parent; only for there to be none in return.” His eyes were completely unfocused, yet his pallid features bore the most intense concentration as memories flowed unbidden.

He says nothing for a moment. Then, something in the edge of his mouth—and the corner of his eyes—resembled the ghost of a sad smile.

“Those whom I knew and called my mother and father are dead. That much is beyond dispute. They were not my real parents, but they raised me as their own. I daresay they loved me. That had been in dispute, at least in my own mind for awhile. I found out very late that my identity was a lie. Not Asgardian, not a son of Odin, I was completely unmade. That was how I felt when I learned of my true parentage. I was a fraud, a monster; it explained so much. It explained why I never felt like I fit in, why I would never be my brother's equal, why I would never get what I'd been promised my whole life.” His voice was soft, hoarse. Intent.

Loki raises his left hand and rests his forefinger against his lips as a line forms between his own eyebrows in thought.

“I have lingered around Midgard long enough to come to an understanding of how your minds tick. I shall do my best to give advice where I can.

Try, if you will, to put things into perspective. The most loving parents commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force one to destroy the person they really are: a subtle kind of murder. Even the most loving parents damage their children with the best intentions—to protect them, to guide them, to better them. In most cases, it would appear they do it by imprinting their own fears and prejudices on them.

The point is, parents are mere, imperfect people.

They have flaws, struggles and impaired judgement. They have both emotional and intellectual handicaps. Regardless of their parental role, they are afflicted by personal blockages and limitations.

But most of all, they are people who make mistakes, and who are terrified of being judged by their children.

Learn to see your difficult parent as just that; human. Learn to see their emotional immaturity as a type of disability.

With that in mind, you would do well to keep your expectations of them low.

In many ways the effect a difficult parent has on ones self is fueled by their feelings of injustice and the belief that things could be different, or ought to be different.

In other words, your expectations dictate how you feel.

You need to let go of your expectations and accept your parent for who they are.

You cannot expect someone with, say, a narcissistic personality, to act with empathy and kindness. No more than you can expect a scorpion not to sting.

Difficult parents are much easier to deal with when you accept that they will not change. So do not expect of them more than they are capable of, and you will not be disappointed or hurt.

Do not fall into the illusion of guilt, Catrina.” He warns. “A difficult parent loves nothing more than to make you feel like you’ve hurt them. Or, in a different scenario, like you’re a bad person if you do not do something they ask.

Do not fall for it. If they’re setting a guilt trap, calmly tell them that you do not appreciate being emotionally manipulated, and you will not tolerate it anymore.

Manipulators, and I should know, detest being called out on their dirty tricks.

If they continue to harass you, reiterate that you cannot do what they’re asking you to do this time, and you need them to respect that.

The trick is agreeing with everything they’re saying (how can they argue when you agree with them?) and re-stating your decision over and over again.

Now this part I find to be… far more easier said than done. You must let go of the need for your father's approval, Catrina. It goes without saying that every child needs and wants their parents’ approval. It is normal to want it, and it is normal to receive it.

Yet so many have to accept the fact that this is not going to happen. For whatever reason, their parent has chosen to withhold their approval. Some difficult parents do it as a form of punishment. While others hope to influence their child in the “right” direction.

Most likely, your father loves you, but they have a very warped idea of what parental love is.

In their misguided quest to make you into a version of themselves, they missed the chance to get to know you. And so they cannot appreciate you for the wonderful being that you are.”

He shrugs elegantly. “It is their loss. When you realize this and let go of the need for their approval, you will be able to start living your life in a whole new way.

When confronting your father, be direct and calm without expecting a specific response. That is the part you cannot control. The part that is within your control is letting your thoughts and feelings known, which is empowering.

Stick to the facts and use “I” statements such as, “I feel like my words do not matter to you when you constantly interrupt me” or “I feel scared and misunderstood when you yell at me”

Remember that manipulative parents are not known for their empathy. They will try to confuse you, go on the offensive, or assume the role of a victim.

Do not allow them to bully you into submission by invoking guilt or pity. State your case in a calm and polite manner, and stay cool regardless of their response.

Your goal is to be honest about your feelings, and to make it clear that you will not tolerate certain behaviors.” He softly clears his throat.

“Last but not least, an unhappy alternative is forgoing the relationship that is too harmful. I know, a parent is not someone you can so easily cut out of your life. But if all else fails and your father continues to cause you psychological harm, then this may very well need to be taken into considerable consideration; at least for the foreseeable future. Sometimes it is the only logical recourse.

A parent that is fundamentally incapable of showing love and support, unable to see the error of their ways after numerous attempts to communicate how their behavior or words affect you, consistently dismissive, demeaning or critical, manipulative in a habitual manner, punishing and cruel whenever you disobey, are disrespectful of your boundaries and using threats and intimidation to get what they want is a destructive force that will continue to tear you down until you put a stop to it.

It is not an easy feat, my dear. The parent-child bond is hardwired into the brain, which means children get attached to even the most awful of parents.

But consider the cost of having that toxic relationship in your life—stress breeds anxiety, depression, internalized feelings of inadequacy, and failed personal relationships.

I wish you all the best, Catrina. I truly do.”

#loki #loki rp #loki odinson #ask loki #ask #parental troubles #gothiccatrina #loki roleplay

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midearthwritings · 4 years ago

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Could I please get an Lotr and The Hobbit Matchup, of you're still doing them? Thanks so much!

🌱 18 year old Woman // Bisexual // Autistic and Disabled with a bonus Anxiety Disorder

🌱 I have a litany of Chronic Illnesses including Autism, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Dyscalculia (Dyslexia for Math), Scoliosis, Sleep Apnea, Asthma, a Growth Hormone Deficiency, Insomnia, and a very bad Overbite. I also have a condition where my right leg is physically longer than my left, which causes pain in my hip and right leg, as well as trouble walking. My usual symptoms include Fatigue, Back Pain, Executive Dysfunction (struggle to get tasks done), Difficulty breathing and talking, Very short stature, and difficulties with my balance. I also stim by pacing around in circles and talking to myself.

🌱 I have a serious fear of heights, partially because of my balance issues. It's so bad that I can't even use stairs without holding onto the railing.

🌱 I know a lot of Home Remedies and Superstitions for like no reason. For instance, did you know that Raspberry Tea helps with Menstrual Pain, or that knocking on wood invokes the protection of the tree spirit and that’s why it’s said to give you luck? I don’t know why I know that, but I do.

🌱 Winning a fight is on my bucket list, but it has to be for a good reason. I’m not one to just pick fights for the sake of fighting, and I’m actually pretty conflict-averse due to trauma, so I need to actually have a solid reason for throwing hands. But I’ve always wanted to do it for some reason.

🌱 I really like studying Witchcraft for some reason. The first spell I ever performed was a Healing Spell to help my friend who was sick with Crohn's Disease. Thirty minutes after performing the ritual, I got a text saying he felt a lot better and he was released from the hospital a couple days later, so I guess it must’ve worked. 😁

🌱 My love language is definitely gift giving. I’m pretty cheap, but I’m also an artist, so when push comes to shove I’ll just make something for someone when I like them. I pay very close attention to what people like because it gives me more ideas on how to interact with them. I’m essentially a large, flightless Crow. You were nice, so you get something shiny. But though I like giving gifts to others, I’m not very materialistic at all. I prefer to be practical when it comes to things, and I get very nervous when spending money on myself.

🌱 I’m an avid writer and am actually planning on publishing a book this summer!

🌱 I LOVE going outside and getting messy. Playing in the mud, getting soaked in the rain, I’m the type to go outside and come back home covered in dirt and twigs. It’s just really fun to me.

🌱 I've been told that I'm a very good cook, and I can bake pretty well too.

🌱 I’ve always wanted to be a really good gardener. My dream house is just covered in flowers and plants and such. I want to live in a Greenhouse, basically.

🌱 I have a habit of giggling to myself just by remembering something funny that happened, even if it was a couple years ago. I also laugh when I do something stupid, because I find my flaws and shortcomings funny for the most part. I love to laugh with people, but never at them.

🌱 I know way too much about Spirits and Fae. My favorite book is called ‘The Encyclopedia of Spirits’ and it shows you how to contact and interact with a ton of different deities and spirits, and I’m addicted to reading it. It’s the best.

🌱 I’m basically like a tiny, less-impressive Aragorn. I love travelling on foot, getting messy outside, I was kind of a Horse Girl as a kid ngl, I’ve always wanted to be a knight or king of some sort, chances are that I haven’t bathed in awhile, and I too would pine for a hot elf girl for literal years on end.

🌱 My closest friends say I give off “Dwobbit” vibes. That’s a ½ Dwarf and ½ Hobbit btw. I’m around 4’ 10” tall, I don’t shave, I love crafting and art, I live in the Mountains, I’m tomboyish but I also love gardening and can be a bit of a homebody, I love going barefoot, etc.

🌱 I really love History, Folklore, Mythology and Fairy Tales. My favorite is the Irish myth of Oisín in Tir Na Nog. Look it up if you don’t know it, it’s a fantastic story. But I also appreciate myths from all sorts of different cultures, like the myth of Annapurna in India or the tale of Princess Kaguya in Japan.

🌱 I’m an Aquarius, INFP and 4w5 if that means anything. For reference, characters who are also 4w5 INFPs include Lydia Deetz (Beetlejuice), Wirt (Otgw), Frankenstein’s Monster, Luna Lovegood (HP), Napstablook (Undertale), Erik The Phantom of the Opera, and Celeste from Animal Crossing. That kinda tells you a lot about me, doesn’t it?

🌱 I am naturally very shy and take awhile to open up to people. I also get flustered very easily and tend to avoid social interaction a lot. I’m a huge introvert, but I also really do love meeting interesting people, so I try to talk to them when I have the energy to.

🌱 I have very long Disheveled brown hair, that actually used to be blonde when I was little, so there’s a few lighter patches in there. It's essentially a fluffy mane at this point, but because of my poor hand-eye coordination I never learned how to braid it. I have really pale skin, with lots of moles, freckles and scabs. It’s also warmer out, so I almost certainly have a farmer’s tan. I have very light blue eyes and glasses.

🌱 I have a habit of seeing shadows move out of the corners of my eyes, frequently mistaking them for people or animals, but when I turn to look there’s nothing there. I’ve gotten my eyesight checked multiple times, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary, so it’s either a lack of sleep, or the Fae are getting antsy with me. Probably the former of course, but part of me would like to believe the latter too.

Sorry the description is so long, I can't wait to see my results! Thanks so much, wishing you the best!!

Hey darling! First, wow that was really long! Sorry for taking so long to make it, as I mentioned before, I'm a fucking procrastinator.

Aragorn

For LOTR, I'm pairing you up with Aragorn.

Aragorn had probably loved you for a really really long time.

But he's extremely patient and careful with you, so it took him a while to confess his love.

When he did, it was kind of overwhelming for you, and you were really doubting the whole thing. But again, he was really patient with you.

Aragorn doesn't cover you in gifts to show his love. He shows it by remembering all those little things that make you you.

The two of you can spend hours telling stories and tales to the other. It's your favorite thing to do together.

He loves that you write and always ask to read your work. Although, he never pushes you and respects you when you refuse.

He knows about every single one of your illnesses and makes sure that you always have what you need.

Bilbo Baggins

For the Hobbit, I picked Bilbo.

Bilbo loves you deeply and truly. He thinks all the things that are annoying to others are what make you the most unique being he has ever met.

He thinks listening to you tell tales is more fascinating than reading.

Most of all, he loves when you read to him the stories that you have created.

Sometimes, your illnesses are a bit complicated for him to understand, but he does his best and listens to your needs.

His favorite thing to do with you is cooking. Sometimes, you will even compete over who is the best cook. Although he admitted more than once that you were.

When you are out gardening, he sits outside with you and watches you. He thinks it's beautiful how hard you work to make his garden look so gorgeous.

He is often insecure about losing you. He is scared that he won't be able to provide you with what you need, or won't be able to show you how much he loves you.

As for you, you fear that one day he might grow tired of you.

But the communication in your relationship is great and your insecurities are even washed away by promises of eternal love.

Again, sorry for the wait! I hope you liked it!

#max matchmaker #aragorn #bilbo baggins

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afni-fics · 4 years ago

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Red Robin: In Hindsight - Chapter 1 (In the Present... Memento)

In Hindsight: Chapter 1 (In the Present... Memento) (3266 words) by C_R_Scott Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Tim Drake/Tam Fox, Jack Drake/Janet Drake, Janet Drake & Tim Drake, Jack Drake & Tim Drake, Lucius Fox/Tanya Fox, Tim Drake & Tam Fox Characters: Tim Drake, Tam Fox, Janet Drake, Jack Drake, Lucius Fox, Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Jason Todd Additional Tags: Tim Drake-centric, Family Drama, Family Secrets, Family Feels, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sweethearts, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence

Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter

Story Summary:

What if bleeding out in a Middle Eastern hotel room was not the first time Timothy Drake-Wayne and Tamara Fox met? What if they were actually childhood best friends, but life and circumstance forced them apart for years to the point of forgetting each other?

Concept/Prompt: What if Tim Drake was originally raised by his maternal grandmother for the first eight years of his life due to "circumstances" involving his biological parents? What if Tim's grandmother was also the next door neighbor and occasional sitter for Lucius Fox's family?

Chapter Summary: It's another rough night in Gotham City. The Scarecrow is on the loose and the Bats are out in force trying to recapture him. Unfortunately, Red Robin got hit with large dose of fear toxin and had to retreat to a safe place to administer the antidote and wait for it to kick in. The closest safe place just happens to be Tam Fox's apartment.

(A/N: All "In the Present..." events take place post-Red Robin #26)

---

"--ed Robin? Can you hea--"

Tim groaned softly as he slowly clawed his way back into some semblance of consciousness. Almost by reflex, he began going down a silent mental checklist to determine his current situation:

"Uniform, cowl, belts in place... Still Red Robin... Not disarmed... Not disabled... Okay...

"No sounds of combat... City noises muffled... Carpet beneath me... Indoors... Apartment?... So far so good...

"Groggy... Vision blurry... Hearing ok... Movements sluggish... Drugged maybe?... I can work with this..."

"Tim? Are you... alright?"

"And that was my real name... Well shit."

Gingerly, Tim tried to push himself up off the floor. A glance around himself revealed he had been lying amidst what appeared to be the remains of a wooden bookshelf along with its contents and a disturbingly large amount of shattered glass in some unlucky civilian's living room. Then his head turned to the source of the voice that had pulled him back to awareness. A lump rose uncomfortably into his throat.

"Tam?"

Kneeling a yard or so away from him was Tamara Fox, with a nervous wide-eyed expression, clutching an empty auto-injector pen with an orange label that Tim recognized from his own utility belt stash as fear toxin antidote.

Tim felt a spike of panic as he looked into Tam's face. "Oh God!" he exclaimed as he tried get to his feet as quickly as he could. "Are you alright?! Did I hurt you?!" Unfortunately, as soon as he got to his feet, the world pitched sideways and he nearly felt fell back to the floor, were it not for Tam rising to her own feet to help steady him.

"Woah there!" Tam said as she tried to help the unbalanced vigilante stay upright. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm ok." Then she glanced around the apartment with a weary sigh. "My living room, on the other hand, not so much."

Tim grimaced as he followed her gaze around the room. Near as he could figure, he could visualize how he must have crashed through the glass balcony door while trying to grapple between buildings, based on the gaping hole letting all the cold Gotham air in from her balcony. Following the shard pattern of the broken glass on the floor, he could see how he must have been flying with some speed and hadn't even been able to slow his descent before crashing, if the evidence of the demolished bookshelf that had been leaning against the wall opposite the balcony and the prominent new aches in his own body was any indication.

"I heard on the news that the Scarecrow was on the loose," Tam said as she tried to ease him to the sofa so he could sit down. "I guess you got hit with fear toxin?"

Tim nodded as he sat down, then pushed back his cowl to reveal his face, savoring the cool air as it hit his skin. "Last thing I remember is trying to get somewhere safe to take the antidote and ride things out," he murmured as he scrubbed his face with his hands. "I thought I was trying to get to a safehouse we have in the area."

Tam sat down on the arm of the sofa, her back to the recovering vigilante, and looked at the empty antidote pen in her hand. "And yet you ended up here..." she mused.

"I'm really, really sorry Tam," Tim apologized as he raked his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. "I don't know what happened or what I was thinking with the fear toxin took hold." He dared to glance at her out of the corner of his eyes. "Are you sure you're alright? I really didn't hurt you?"

Tam shrugged, then glanced back at him out of the corner of her own eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. Whatever that Scarecrow put in that toxin didn't make you go crazy violent or anything." She looked back at the remains of her bookshelf where she'd found him curled up in a fetal position, disturbingly still and silent. "You... you'd gone completely catatonic." She wrapped her arms around herself tightly. "Nothing I said or did reached you, and for a bit the antidote didn't seem to be working. I thought..." Tam shook her head and got to her feet. "It doesn't matter what I thought. The antidote kicked in finally and you'll be ok now, right?"

"Yeah. I'll be ok." Tim watched sadly as Tam immediately knelt down to gather up some of the books that had been scattered by the destruction of their shelves. As she worked, he made a few mental notes about the effects of the Scarecrow's new fear toxin. The old toxin was known for triggering horrific visions and violent reactions in its victims. This new version, triggering catatonia instead of violence, could potentially be a greater threat against anyone in Gotham's vigilante family seeking to subdue the villain.

Tim ought to have been reaching out to Batman and the rest of his family to warn them about this new variant.

However, he couldn't get his mind off the fact that somewhere in the back of his brain, while Scarecrow's fear toxin was trying to take root, the closest safe place he instinctively tried to go to was Tamara Fox's home... no matter how broken their friendship was right now.

"Here. Let me help," Tim offered as he cautiously got to his feet and tested his balance, which was better than it was earlier.

Tam tried to wave him away, though, as she set a stack of books on the sofa and out of the way. "Don't worry about it," she said in a tense voice as she reached for what looked like an old leather bound book. "It's fine. I'm fine. Shouldn't you be getting ba--"

Whatever she was about to say was cut off abruptly when, upon trying to lift up the book by its spine, about thirty pages full of photographs spilled out all over the floor. Tam could only stare at the mess of her beloved childhood memories scattered at her feet, until she felt hot tears begin to fill her eyes.

"Goddamnit," she snapped softly in frustration, her voice breaking slightly as she closed her eyes tightly. "Well isn't this just a perfect metaphor for my life right now?"

Tim looked and felt absolutely gutted the moment he saw and heard all those photo album pages spill onto the floor. For a moment, he was as frozen in place as Tam, unable to do anything except stare at those pictures, at Tam's precious memories scattered haphazardly around her

However, as Tam sank to the floor with another frustrated sob, clutching the remains of her album tight to her chest. he finally jolted into movement.

"I am so... so sorry Tam," he apologized with deep, sincere regret as he knelt beside her and began to carefully gather up the photo pages. The childhood photographer he once was chided him mercilessly in the back of his mind for being the cause of this damage.

Tam sniffled a little and used her free hand to try and scrub the tears from her eyes. "I know... I know..." she murmured as she recomposed herself, set aside the remains of the album cover, and started collecting some of of the photo pages herself. Between the two of them, it should've taken no time at all to pick up all the pictures.

At least, that's how it should have been.

Though the light in the living room wasn't the greatest, only a single nearby floor lamp close to the sofa provided any illumination, Tim kept pausing every now and then to take closer looks at the images, slowing his progress.

These were all clearly pictures of Tam and her family back when she was a child in and around her childhood home when she was maybe nine or ten years old. Everyone looked happy, or at the very least content. He also recognized a younger Lucius Fox interspersed among the pages as well as who he assumed was Tam's mom, her older sister Tiffany, and her younger brother Luke when he was still a toddler.

They were nice photos full of what looked like warm, happy memories.

So why were they giving him such a strange nagging feeling of deja vu?

Tim noticed the corner of a photo that had been dislodged from its album page. Unlike the other photos in the album which were all standard 4"x6" glossy prints, this one appeared to be more squarish in shape with an obvious white border that was thicker at one end. "A Polaroid?" Tim thought to himself curiously as he tugged the photo out from under the other pages. "I haven't seen one of those in years..."

Then, as Tim got a good look at the photo, his breath caught in his throat.

In the photo a young boy and girl were sitting close together on a wooden porch swing, both smiling brightly on a warm summer day. The girl was hugging the boy, who looked a few years younger, as he appeared to have both arms outstretched in front of him just off the image, as if he had been holding the Polaroid camera to take the picture. On the white section of the photograph right beneath the image are words written in black marker by a childish hand.

"Timber & Tami - July 19, 20XX"

About that moment, Tam noticed the photo in Tim's hand. Her gaze softened. "That's my favorite picture," she said fondly as she reached out to tilt the image slightly her way, though she didn't try to take it from Tim.

"Who... was he?"

Tam couldn't help the sad, nostalgic smile that formed on her lips. "He was my best friend." She sighed softly as she continued reminiscing. "He lived next door to me and was raised by his grandma. We practically grew up together because Nana was always babysitting me while my parents were at work."

She glanced at the photos in her hands, and the ones still on the floor. "He was such a geek about cameras and photography," she chuckled warmly. "I remember, Nana gave him this vintage Polaroid camera for his eighth birthday. He was so excited, you'd think he'd won the lotto. I think... this was the first picture he ever took with it." She glanced at the photos in her hands and still on the floor. "He took most of these other ones too, and he gave me the album for my birthday before--"

"Before?"

Tam sighed. "Before his Nana got sick, and he had to move away."

It took a long minute, but finally Tam noticed Tim was strangely quiet. When she turned her attention from the photos to him, she was startled to see him staring at her with an intense wide-eyed expression she'd never seen in those blue eyes before. For the first time in the year since she'd met him, he looked like he was close to tears.

He looked at her like he was staring at a ghost.

Tam felt a tendril of unease coil in her chest. "Tim? What's wro--"

"Tami?" he whispered to her in a small, vulnerable tone. When he spoke again, his voice was thick with emotion and completely unguarded. "Is it really you?"

At first Tam was confused. She glanced between the Polaroid photo held in Tim's now trembling hand before her gaze drifted back up to his face and looked into eyes that were suddenly more familiar than they'd ever been before.

Suddenly, her world shifted.

Tam's own brown eyes went wide with shock as she tried to stifle a gasp with her hands. Then, slowly, she lowered her fingers from her lips.

"Timber?"

The tears that had been threatening to escape Tim's startled blue eyes finally coursed down his cheeks with Tam's word. There was so much emotion warring on his face, and while his mouth opened and closed, nothing seemed able to come out.

Tim reached out for Tam, who was still frozen in her own silent shock.

But before he could reach her, Tim's communicator began to ping, cutting through the silence between them and making both of them jump. Tim's hand retracted away sharply, as if he'd been burned. After taking a second to compose himself, he reached up to press a button on the communicator in his ear.

"Red here," he said, his voice all business, all Red Robin, but stretched tight to near the point of breaking.

"Thank goodness," Oracle's synthesized voice on the comm crackled to life. "Batman and Robin need backup. Batgirl and Nightwing both got hit with fear toxin, but their trackers haven't moved in several minutes."

Tim rose grimly to his feet and turned toward the doorless balcony. "Crane's got a new variant. Triggers catatonia instead of fight or flight. The current antidote works, but takes longer to kick in." He checked his belts to see how many more doses of antidote he had. "If they're immobile either they took the antidote and we're just waiting for it to take effect, or they went catatonic before they could administer in the first place." He sighed as he pulled out his grapple gun to insert a new cartridge. "Who's closest to my location?"

"Nightwing. Sending you coordinates for both."

"I'll be there soon. Make sure to warn B and Robin about the variant. Red out."

Once the comm was disconnected, Tim bowed his head. When he spoke, his Red Robin tone was nowhere to be heard. "I'm sorry Tam..." he whispered, voice full of regret and longing and... something else neither of them could identify. "I have to go--"

But as he turned to glance back timidly at her, Tim's eyes went wide when he suddenly found himself tightly wrapped up in a pair of soft warm arms. His breath hitched in his chest as he felt, more than heard, Tam sob into his shoulder, "It's you."

Without even thinking, Tim wrapped his arms around Tam, pulling her closer and tucking his own face into the crook of her neck. He held her tighter than he ever had before in this past year. All his emotions felt raw and exposed, but in this moment that was ok.

This was his Tami...

His big sister...

His best friend...

His first--

With a deep, shuddering sigh, Tim pulled back slightly, just enough to speak clearly. "I need to go."

Tam pulled back slowly too, until just their hands were interlaced. Finally, she raised her gaze to meet his. "Be careful," she whispered. The weight of so many other things they wished to say to one another hangs in the space between them, and they both know it.

Tim nodded wordlessly. Then, with painful reluctance, he slipped his fingers from her grasp, pulled his cowl back on launched a grappling line out of Tam's apartment. He spares just one final backward glance, his expression masked almost completely by his cowl, before launching himself into back into the night.

Once Tam can no longer see his silhouette against Gotham's skyline, she shivers as a cold wind cuts through her apartment. As she kneels down again to gather her photos, she pulls out her phone with a free hand.

"Hello?"

"Daddy?"

"Tami? What's wrong?"

At the sound of naked concern in her father's voice, Tam's couldn't hold back the tears as they stream down her face or the way her voice trembled and made her feel ten-years-old and broken-hearted in a way she never thought she'd ever feel again.

"Nothing..? Everything..? I don't know..? Can you pick me up please? Can I come home?"

"Of course. Where are you?"

"The apartment."

"Stay right there, baby. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"I will."

Once the call was ended, Tam's eyes fell on that precious old Polaroid photo. With another sob, she gathered it up and held it close as she cried softly until her father arrived.

#tim drake #tam fox #tim/tam #red robin #fanfiction #wip #rr: in hindsight #batfam #batfamily

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miracul0us-multishipper · 6 years ago

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Welcome to the Back (Part 1)

Next Chapter

@a-6-yearold-inside

A Felinette Fanfic where they never changed seats back after Chameleon, Adrien vs Felix in the next parts

- - -

Adrien was a good friend, if you asked him. Not that he had a lot of experience with friendship, but he’d read a lot about it. He could listen well. He could give advice. He was good at bringing out the best in people, at keeping the peace and harmony of the class. Madame Bustier didn’t call him sunshine boy for nothing!

So when Felix Leanne was announced to be their newest student, he figured he was the perfect candidate to welcome him to class. Sure, they hadn’t really gotten along when they’d last met, but maybe Felix had changed in the last year?

“Hi!”, he greeted as soon as he spotted the boy. “I’m Adrien Agreste. We’ve worked together last summer, remember?”

The older blond stilled and eyed him warily. His eyes were eerily colorless; a cool, distant grey. Adrien shivered a little.

“I do” Felix replied after a moment of silence. Then continued to walk towards class.

Struggling to keep up with his long, measured strides, he followed suit.

“You’ve never been to school either, right?” he tried again. “We’ll be in the same class! Madame Bustier is our home teacher, she’ll probably want you to make a short introduction. Do you want to get to know our classmates? I could introduce you!”

Felix kept his eyes straight ahead, his face was devoid of any emotion. Maybe he was shy? Surely, he’d open up sooner or later.

“That appears to be inevitable.”, was his brisk answer, confirming that the new student would need some time to warm up to them.

Alright then. He could do this!

When they entered the classroom, only a few students were already there. They looked up as soon as Felix walked in, his confident posture attracting attention even before he was fully inside.

“Hey, guys!”, Adrien greeted Nino and Alya, who already looked as if she had a million questions to ask their newbie. “This is Felix Leanne! He’s from Great Britain, we modeled together last year.”

Alya jumped up and held out her hand to him, all but squealing in excitement.

“I’m Alya Césaire, from the Ladyblog! I’ve read so much about you, you were the face of Leanne Fashion’s “Lucky Line”! The posters of you in that Ladybug tie were all over Paris!”

She shoved her phone in his face, probably displaying said ad.

“I’m so excited to meet you!”

Felix wrinkled his nose.

“Please take that out of my face.”

“Oh, right!”

“I’m Nino”, her boyfriend followed up, “Nice to meet you, dude! I’m sure you’re gonna love it here.”

One by one, the other students began to crowd around Felix, greeting him and asking about his life. The answers were short, matter-of-fact and a little bit annoyed if you paid enough attention. Chloé threw one look at him and apparently decided it was best not to mess with him.

“Lila’s going to be so happy to meet you!”, Rose said cheerily, catching Adrien’s attention again. She was directly next to Felix, no chance he might have missed that. “She told us all about you, from when she met you at that Fashion Show in London her parents sponsored.”

Felix frowned and opened his mouth, but Adrien beat him to it.

“Let’s not bother him with work details right now!”, he suggested a little too hastily, and probably an octave above his usual tone of voice. “He’s new to school after all, and I’m sure he hears enough about work at home!”

Felix looked at him with raised eye brows, but didn’t press the matter. Adrien sighed with relief. Another day of successfully keeping the peace of this class.

He looked around, searching for missing faces. Kim was sick with the flu, he wouldn’t come today. Sabrina was with Chloé as usual, Marinette was probably late again and Lila should be here any minute now.

As if on cue, the brunette Italian entered the room just as the other students began to go to their places again. With a winning smile and her usual, confident stride she headed for Felix.

“Oh, hello! You’re Felix Leanne, right? I’m Lila Rossi, I’m sort of new myself.”

The tall blond regarded her with hidden suspicion.

“Aha”

Her eyes roamed over his desk and spotted the thermos in his bag.

“I heard you’re from England!” she beamed. “I lived there for a while, my grandparents are famous for their rare teas. Maybe we could go for a cup after school? There’s not that many places where it’s as good as in Britain, but I happen to know one or two.”

The fact that she hadn’t mentioned any Fashion Show in London confirmed Adrien’s assumption that it had been another lie.

Felix eyed her for a moment, then sat down at the last table in the back.

“I hate tea.”, he deadpanned, before taking out the thermos and pouring him a cup of what was obviously coffee without breaking eye contact with Lila. Adrien swore he could see the gears in her head come to screeching halt.

“O-Oh? What a shame” she caught herself. “Then maybe we could-“

“Good Morning, class!”, Madame Bustier interrupted her attempts. Forced to retreat for now, Lila went to her seat next to him and Adrien followed with a nod. During the lesson she wouldn’t have the opportunity to make up another story, which meant for now, crisis was averted. No exposing Lila, no fights, no trouble. He smiled. Another day of perfect school time, just like he’d always imagined it!

He shouldn’t have been so sure of that. It started when Marinette arrived, just in time for saying “present” as Mme Bustier read her name. Since she’d been sitting in the back for a week now, she’d be Felix desk neighbor. He didn’t think anything of it, but Lila shot her a glare that could’ve been both a warning and a threat. Or maybe he’d misinterpreted it? Maybe she’d just been annoyed that Marinette was late again? Must be it.

Still, Madame Bustier didn’t get the chance to start her lesson when Lila stood up and raised her voice.

“Madame, Felix just arrived! He shouldn’t have to sit in the back by himself, does he?”

Adrien wanted to remind her that no, he wasn’t by himself, Marinette was there too, but remembered just in time the last time they had changed the seats. No, it wouldn’t help to speak up now.

Mme Bustier frowned.

“We only changed the seating order last week.”

Lila wasn’t that easy to shake off however.

“Oh, but you have all welcomed me so sweetly when I first arrived. I couldn’t live with myself if I wouldn’t do the same for Felix.”

She looked down.

“If it weren’t for my disability I’d switch with him myself, but...”

Felix coughed.

“I don’t-“

“Oh, we could go to the back!”, Alya volunteered, drowning out whatever Felix had wanted to say, and pulled Nino’s hand up with her. Lila smiled.

“Really? That’s so nice of you guys!”

“Actually-“ Felix tried again but Lila wasn’t done yet.

“Oh, but what about Marinette? We just unseated her last week, we shouldn’t do so again, right? Would you sit with Marinette in the back?”

“Sure!”, Alya beamed and patted Nino on the shoulder in comfort. “We sat together before, too!”

“I-“

“It’s no big deal, really!”

“Madame Bustier!”, Marinette called out of the blue, with enough force to make the entire class jump. Her hands were planted firmly on the desk and her face was grim. He shot her a concerned glance, trying to remind her of her promise. No exposing Lila.

“Yes, Marinette?” the young teacher answerd, looking startled.

“How about”, Marinette said slowly, locking eyes with Mme Bustier, “we offer Felix the chance I didn’t get the last time, and give him a say in this?”

Surprised, she nodded and looked at her latest student.

“O-Of course, yes. Where would you like to sit, Felix?”

The blond teenager sighed, frustrated.

“I am perfectly fine sitting in the back, thank you very much.”

Felix hated school. It was full, it was loud and people just wouldn’t leave him alone. He sighed, remembering the promise he’d made to his mother. She was still in England, but she’d called to make sure he was alright. She wanted him to have this experience, to meet other children and be normal, for a while. It was not like he didn’t appreciate her care! But he really, really wished she would’ve expressed it in other ways. Maybe take him along to one of her incentives or business trip. He was old enough to learn about the company he’d inherit, wasn’t he?

But if it made her happy, he’d try this... school life. He’d make an effort, learn something, and then go back to homeschooling. Preferably sooner than later.

“Present!”, yelled a voice next to him and he looked up. He hadn’t even noticed the girl sliding into the seat next to him, but now she was there. Late, obviously.

He hated unpunctuality.

She smiled at him when she noticed his stare and pushed her book over to him, showing him which page they were at. Otherwise, she didn’t try to interrogate him or make Smalltalk.

Huh. He could appreciate that.

Until that Lila-girl from earlier stood up, he was almost thinking this wouldn’t get so bad after all. But alas, his hopes were shattered once again.

Her repeated attempts at changing the seating were, to his surprise, not shut down by the red-haired teacher. Apparently, he had to get active himself. Great.

He coughed, trying to get their attention.

“I don’t-“

“Oh, we could go to the back!”, the Ladyblog girl, Alya, exclaimed enthusiastically. He blinked. She’d just cut him off. How disrespectful!

Shaking his head, he straightened his back. Maybe she just hadn’t heard him. No need to make a fuss just yet.

“Actually-“ he started again, before being interrupted once again, this time by Lila. His eye twitched.

One more time, he told himself, one more time trying to do it the peaceful way. For Mum. He could still walk out after that.

“I-“ really don’t need to sit in the front, he wanted to say, but his third try was as successful as the other two. He sighed, almost happy. He could go home, finally. Tell Mum he’d tried, but public schools just weren’t his forte. Too unprofessional. Too chaotic. Too...

“Madame Bustier!”, an energetic voice pulled him out of his resignation, just as he was about to pack his bag. It was his desk neighbor, Ms Unpunctual. Could that girl even talk in any volume other than “loud”?

“How about we give Felix the chance I didn’t get, the last time,” she said threateningly slow, and bit bitterly if he wasn’t wrong, “and give him a say in this?”

“Of course” the teacher agreed, apparently remembering that she was supposed to be the authority here. “Where would you like to sit, Felix?”

He sighed.

“I am perfectly fine with sitting in the back, thank you very much!”, he uttered a bit salty.

Lila, frustrated that she was ignored, sat down again and the rest of the class calmed as well.

“You didn’t have to do that”, he clarified to his neighbor as soon as the teacher had turned around. Better make clear that she couldn’t expect any favors or benefits from him. “I’m fully capable of speaking for myself.”

Usually. In a professional environment, at least. He hated having to raise his voice, and apparently, that was the only thing that worked on these savages.

But the girl surprised him yet again by simply shrugging.

“Yeah, I figured. But still.” She looked down, where Lila was currently draping herself all over Agreste. “It can be nice to know someone has your back.”

Maybe he’d imagined it, but she sounded a little bitter at that. He turned back to the teacher, but kept stealing glances at his pigtailed classmate.

He was no stranger to people, not like Agreste had been just a year ago. And other than the younger boy, he didn’t see them through rose colored lenses, and didn’t mind telling them off when they crossed a line. His young age and position as the heir and face of an international fashion empire made him a regular target for people that wanted to profit off of him - his sire included. He couldn’t afford to be as carefree as Adrien, who was constantly monitored by his own terror of a father.

Over the time, Felix had acquired a sixth sense for detecting warning signs of manipulators and people who used others for their own gain. He’d seen them in Lila Rossi, and he’d seen them in his father, but no matter how hard he focused, scrutinized or analyzed... he couldn’t find them in his mysterious classmate.

“I’m Felix”, he eventually whispered, half hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Yet her surprised smile failed to disappoint him, for some reason.

“I’m Marinette. Welcome to the back, I guess.”

- - -

To be continued

#miramu writes #welcome to the back #wttb #miraculous ladybug #mlb #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #ml felix #felix leanne #felinette #felinette month #ml felinette #mlb fanfic #felinette fanfic

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bean-boy-clown · 4 years ago

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Does your area have longterm care ombudsmen? You can google your region plus longterm care ombudsmen to find contact info. It sounds like you're in a longterm care setting like a group home or something, and i don't get why they're not helping with laundry or anything! Also, have you been checked for lymphedema if your feet are swelling :( It just seems like staff should be helping you with stuff, maybe the ombudsmen people could help make that happen, it's not just for abuse or anything

• I will start by saying I don't know much about my area because I'm not actually from this state - I moved here in 2017 and was in and out of in-patient and programs for a bit.

• I do live in a group home!!!! They don't pay for our laundry (there's actually a machine downstairs but a staff i trust implied not to use it - not to mention the thought of going in the basement freaks me out)....I go to a laundromat. They don't pay for those kinds of things for example laundry because we have to "learn independence," while living here.

• We also have to pay rent; I get emergency cash benefit (it's like food stamps except I can take $$$$ off the card to put on my debit card)....I get $320 a month and our rent is supposed to be 75% of our income (legally they have to leave us with at least $200) - I get $200 a month. It's all really complicated to be honest with y'all.

• I am unable to work at the moment - it's a lot to explain but in short: i was traumatized and lowkey abused? at one my job and had to leave then and i worked somewhere else where I'd have panic attacks/anxiety attacks in the bathroom - suffer through my paranoia and severe anxiety on the sales floor which really fucked me up. I can't handle that stress right now, my mental feels so fragile and disables me.

• I struggle in public and usually need someone with me for support. I feel extremely vulnerable too because I will go out of my way most often to help others which does cause paranoia. I do have flashbacks often, zone out/walk around totally out of it or the other extreme severely scared/anxious/paranoid and in my head.

• They provide food here but it usually goes bad because other residents don't save it properly and staff are "supposed" to make us one meal at night but that doesn't happen regularly. I am capable of cooking but am usually really low energy to cook everyday.

• But they provide wifi, air conditioning in your room for summer, and when you first move in they give you a dresser, bedside table, and a bed. The beds are very cheap but honestly I'm just glad to have one and live here.

• This is supposed to be a two year living situation. Supposedly DMH is cracking down on people's time here or so I've been told. After that two years you're expected to find housing through emergency housing or the program provides you an apartment.

• Also about my feet swelling - I have an uncontrolled thyroid? I can't remember how my doctor worded it. All I know is I have thyroid problems and my feet swell alot to the point where even socks are uncomfortable.

☆• Sorry for such a long response •☆

☆• I genuinely appreciate any and all support with this stuff (whether it be listening to me/us talking about it/sharing experiences and etc)....

☆• As it is disability awareness month - I will be completely open....I have an invisible disability, my mental health & other things disables me and while it's difficult to cope - talking with other disabled folks and opening up has really helped.

☆• Don't be afraid to send me an ask - anon or not!!!! I don't always have the spoons to answer right away but I will try my best to do so.

☆• Be well and be safe.

~ Garfie?Beabs/Beans 💖🧚🏻‍♂️

#long post #asks #anons #beabs babbles

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secretlyatargaryen · 5 years ago

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Tyrion and Zuko: Never Forget Who You Are

This is part three of a meta comparing these two characters. Read part one here and part two here.

One of the defining moments for both of these characters is when they are talking to a younger character that they relate to who is on the opposite side as them, but who will later become a friend.

Tyrion to Jon:

"Fourteen, and you're taller than I will ever be. [...] I will never make a swordsman. Had I been born a peasant, they might have left me out to die, or sold me to some slaver's grotesquerie. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock, and the grotesqueries are all the poorer. Things are expected of me. [...] I must do my part for the honor of my House, wouldn't you agree? Yet how? [...] I have a realistic grasp of my own strengths and weaknesses. My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer, and I have my mind … “

and Zuko to Aang:

You're like my sister. Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky; he says I was lucky to be born. I need don't need luck, though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight, and that's made me strong. That's made me who I am.

Even at this early stage in these characters’ stories, where they are still very much indoctrinated into their family’s BS, both of them recognize this inner conflict between who they are and who their families want them to be. And both of them draw inner strength from things that set them apart from the ideology that they’ve been indoctrinated into.

Both are forced to adopt new identities as refugees, and it’s here that they are forced to rely on the things that were not valued by their families. Zuko relies more on his sword-fighting abilities than his bending, and Tyrion reclaims things about himself that his father hated, such as his tumbling, and takes on the role as dwarf jester to survive. It’s because of these characters’ ability to develop an inner strength independent from their families that they are able to do this, even though they had previously been taught to devalue those parts of themselves.

They both draw on that inner strength that comes from the things that set them apart.

Ursa: Remember this, Zuko. No matter how things may seem to change, never forget who you are.

Zuko remembering his mother’s words when he is a refugee can be compared to Tyrion’s words to Jon when he is empathizing over the latter over them both being “bastards.”

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

I think we can say that Zuko’s mother’s words are part of where he gets that inner strength that he mentions above (”That’s made me who I am”), and Zuko’s love for his mother was something that was treated like a weakness. Both Tyrion and Zuko have to struggle with this concept of owning who you are and making your weakness your strength. And although Tyrion imparts this advice onto Jon, he struggles just as much as Zuko does with owning it.

Both characters also go through journeys that involve a great loss of privilege and being forced to experience life from the perspective of those who are most oppressed. Both characters use false identities while in exile, as fugitives from both their own families and people who hate their families. Both also are forced to adopt identities that they had previously disdained are forced to let go of their classism. But as I said in part one, the narrative here is not a straight line, and both characters experience at times growth in compassion and times where they take advantage of others. One example of this for Zuko is his interactions with Song, who invites him to eat with her family and empathizes with him over his burn scar, which forces Zuko to relate to someone who can relate to him on a similar level. Yet he also ends up stealing her ostritch horse. This is similar to Tyrion’s interaction with Penny, who he can relate to because she is also a dwarf, and who represents the first time he is confronted with someone who can truly empathize with his disability, but who he also sometimes treats with disdain and cruelty. Although it should be noted that in both cases these characters cannot totally relate to each other. Penny and Tyrion experience their dwarfism in different ways and while Penny lacks Tyrion's class privilege, she comes from a loving home where she was taught not to be ashamed of her body, and she tries to kiss Tyrion on the assumption that they have a connection because of their shared disability, but it doesn't work. Similarly, Song tries to force a connection with Zuko on the assumption that she understands him because of his scar, however she does not know the story of how Zuko got that scar and has the privilege of hiding her scars that Zuko does not because his scar is literally on his face.

Jin and Penny also have similarities as Jin is someone who is attracted to Zuko who he is kind to but ultimately rejects romantically because of his own insecurities and his preoccupation with his current goals, and Tyrion does the same with Penny.

Both characters meet people throughout their journeys who make assumptions about them based on their appearance. Both also experience hatred from people for the crimes of their families, even while they themselves are forced to go into hiding from their families.

Katara: You’re the Fire Lord’s son. Spreading war and violence and hatred is in your blood.

and Tyrion in ADWD:

"—I know who the dwarf is, and what he is." Her black eyes turned to Tyrion, hard as stone. "Kinslayer, kingslayer, murderer, turncloak. Lannister."

What I think is particularly interesting about these two scenes is that both of them are prisoners, at low points in their narrative, when this dialogue happens. And both are actually empathizing with the people who are responding to them with hatred. Zuko trying to connect with Katara through the loss of his mother, and Tyrion understanding what the Widow of the Waterfront actually wants to hear and being on his way to join Daenerys.

Both characters also experience their inner conflict through an anger at the world. This is shown in Zuko’s “lucky to be born” speech about himself vs his sister and in the episode “Bitter Work,” in which he seeks out his own lightning after Iroh refuses to use lightning against him.

Zuko: You've always thrown everything you could at me! Well, I can take it, and now I can give it back! Come on, strike me! You've never held back before!

Tyrion also has moments where he rails against the world and at the gods because of the cruelty he’s faced in his life.

And when I die, please let them bury with me a crossbow, so I can thank the Father Above for his gifts the same way I thanked the father below.

This is also a nice connection between the two scenes where both characters confront their fathers (discussed in more depth below), as Tyrion uses a crossbow on his father and Zuko is able to redirect his father’s lightning.

There's a lot of discussion in fandom about what makes a good redemption arc, and the thing is that I think most of these discussions overlook something that is key in both Zuko and Tyrion's narrative, and that is how hard it actually is to do the right thing when you're constantly told that everything you do is wrong, and how hard it is to distinguish between the things you need to apologize for and the things that aren't your responsibility or things you never should have been blamed for. And because they are traumatized characters - both with significant physical disfigurements - both Tyrion and Zuko have times when they assume that people are judging them for the wrong reasons.

Katara: It's just that for so long now, whenever I would imagine the face of the enemy, it was your face.

Zuko: My face? I see.

Obviously there’s a lot of discussion of Zuko’s redemption arc and what makes it work and in contrast, Tyrion’s narrative isn’t finished, and is currently left in a pretty dark place, but one thing I love about both of these stories is the acknowledgement of how hard it is to trust other people when you’ve been hurt, and how hard it is to trust even your own perceptions and judgments. And to be honest, I think that much of discussion of Zuko’s heroism overlooks that because everything turned out alright in the end, even though I wouldn’t even say that he’s fully recovered from his trauma by the end of the story. Even when he’s fully become one of the “good guys” he has times when he’s angry, insecure, overly apologetic or self-righteous, and negatively impacts his relationships with others. The reason why this story works is not so much because of its ability to give the character redemption, but because of the acknowledgement that redemption, or recovery, is hard.

Both also have scenes where they remain loyal to their families but experience conflict with their family’s worldview after being exposed to the wider world and empathizing with others who have been hurt by their families.

It is high summer for House Lannister, so why am I so bloody cold?

And again, although these narratives are different because these points happen at different times in the narrative, both characters have instances where they are responsible in some way for an imprisoned character who they empathize with (Iroh for Zuko and Sansa for Tyrion) which causes them to question the rightness of their family.

Zuko: I have everything I always wanted, but it's not at all how I thought it would be.

And both have parts of their stories where they are welcomed back into the fold of their family only to be nearly killed. Tyrion in ACOK during his tenure as hand of the king in which he appears to be on top but is brutally reminded of how conditional the power and acceptance he has is when he loses it again after the Battle of the Blackwater and the slow ebbing away of agency he experiences throughout ASOS which ends in him being falsely imprisoned and nearly executed for regicide; Zuko early in his story when his sister almost successfully tricks him into walking into being imprisoned with the promise of going back home, and later when he is accepted back home but with the truth of Aang’s survival hanging over his head, and his confrontation with Ozai in which Ozai tries to kill him with lightning.

And of course any comparison of Tyrion and Zuko would be incomplete without comparing their respective scenes of facing down their fathers and primary abusers. These two scenes have different narrative impacts because of the ways they are different and because they appear at different times in the characters’ arcs, but they also have some striking similarities. Both Tyrion and Zuko confront their abusers in scenes that suggests that they’ve finally reached the breaking point where they are no longer able to overlook the intolerable situation they are in.

Both Ozai and Tywin use gaslighting to control their children and we see that a lot in Tyrion’s conversations with Tywin in which Tywin dismisses or belittles the things that Tyrion says even when Tyrion is right, and Ozai severely punishes Zuko for speaking out against him. Both Tyrion and Zuko have scenes of standing up to their fathers and speaking their minds.

Tyrion in ASOS to Tywin:

“Will you punish me if I refuse, father?”

Zuko to Ozai in “The Day of Black Sun, Pt 2″:

Zuko: I'm not taking orders from you anymore. I am going to speak my mind, and you are going to listen.

Tyrion in ASOS to Tywin:

“Perhaps I don't choose to go to the Wall, Father. It's bloody cold up there, and I believe I've had enough coldness from you. So just tell me something, and I'll be on my way. One simple question, you owe me that much."

"I owe you nothing."

"You've given me less than that, all my life, but you'll give me this.”

Zuko in “The Day of Black Sun, Pt 2″ to Ozai:

Zuko: For so long, all I wanted was for you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor I wanted, but really, I was just trying to please you. You, my father, who banished me just for talking out of turn. My father, who challenged me, a thirteen-year-old boy, to an Agni Kai. How could you possibly justify a duel with a child?

Ozai: It was to teach you respect!

Zuko: It was cruel! And it was wrong.

Ozai: Then you have learned nothing!

Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I’ve had to learn it on my own.

Both characters also confront their abusers with their abuse of an important female character whose love and whose disappearance had a huge impact on their life. Tyrion asking Tywin what happened to Tysha can be seen as a parallel to Zuko’s final scene with Ozai where he demands to know where his mother is.

And just as this question is left open in the main series of ATLA (yes, I know about the comics, but I kind of like the ambiguity for thematic purposes), I don’t think Tyrion is ever going to find out what happened to Tysha.

One main difference in the two characters confronting their fathers is that Tyrion kills his father and Zuko doesn’t, and in addition to this being a result of a difference in tone and medium between the two stories, Zuko also is spared from having to make that choice because of his belief that it is Aang’s destiny to defeat Ozai. Tyrion suffers a mental breakdown after killing his father while Zuko is able to integrate himself successfully into a new social group (eventually). Tyrion starts to do this in ADWD but again, that story is not finished yet so it is hard to say how it will be resolved.

Both characters also frequently act like the victims of abuse that they are in their interpersonal relationships, and tend to expect that people will invalidate their feelings or be outright hostile to them. As I said above, this is also because of their experiences with people reacting to their physical differences, which both play a big role in their trauma.

Finally, both characters have a spiritual connection to dragons and this plays a big role in their journeys towards self-discovery.

Aang: All this time, I thought firebending was destruction. Since I hurt Katara, I've been too afraid and hesitant. But now I know what it really is ... it's energy, and life.

Zuko and Aang discover the true meaning of fire from the firebending masters, the dragons themselves, legendary creatures who were thought to be dead. It’s also very thematically interesting that the dragons were thought to be wiped out by the Fire Nation, and Zuko, the prince of the Fire Nation, learns that fire doesn’t have to mean anger and pain, but that it also represents life and rebirth.

Dragons also have similar meaning for Tyrion, a meaning that increases the closer he gets to Daenerys and makes his way towards helping her cause of fighting for freedom and life. Tyrion and Dany’s connection to the dragons links them as marginalized characters and people for whom dragons represent fighting back against oppression.

“Even a stunted, twisted, ugly little boy can look down over the world when he's seated on a dragon's back."

And thus, in both narratives, we see fire representing the potential for destruction and the desire for power, and we see disempowered and marginalized characters who seek to obtain this power but also have potential to hurt others because of the ways they have been hurt, but then the narrative flips that meaning on its head, showing that it’s possible to recover from trauma, that a person doesn’t have to be defined by anger and pain. And ultimately, that’s what’s compelling about these sorts of characters, regardless of how our struggles are similar or different than the characters we watch or read about or whether we get to see them fail or succeed.

#tyrion lannister #zuko #valyrianscrolls #asoiaf meta #avatar the last airbender #atla meta

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imadeablogforchitchat · 5 years ago

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In Taiwan for six years

My dad passed away last year. It's been almost a year. He died of pneumonia. He used to get pneumonia a lot. I remember even as a kid he showed me his phlegm and it would be bloody. I think it's because he got tuberculosis when he was in college and never fully recovered. He never got to a chance to finish college.

I didn't know my dad very well. He lived in Japan or Taiwan and I grew up in the USA with my mom. He would visit every so often during summer when I was kid but the trips gradually became less frequent. (My parents are divorced.) The last trip to the USA was my high school graduation.

I came to Taiwan because my dad was getting old and there was no other children. I have an older brother but he is intellectual disabled. I quit my horrible job of 11 years and moved to Taiwan to care for him. Actually to be accurate, I was only suppose to be here for a year to get my Taiwan ID. I don't think my mother would have let me go for if she had known it I would be here for so long. She could have gone in my place because my dad had asked for her help initially, but she was still bitter about the divorce. Of course she couldn't pass up the possible inheritance for me.

My dad was in poor health. I did not know he had suffered a stroke ten years prior. He didn't tell me, I don't think he told any of the relatives. He lived alone. He was worried for my brother, worried who would take care of him once he passed away. He had asked my cousin if he would watch him, but since my cousin was much older than me, he was worried my brother would out live him, asked me as well. Of course, I agreed.

Long story short, my father's health deteriorated. There were many trips to the hospital because of pneumonia and bladder infection. He became bed-ridden the last few years. Last year he became unresponsive.

I thought I would be back in the US, but you know stuff happened. The pandemic and other things. I am kind of relieved it's taking such a long time. I don't like living with my mother. She is a horrible person and stresses me out. She is nagging me to get married and have a kid. I am 44 years old. That ship has sailed. She didn't care about that when I was living with her, only that she was being finanically supported.

I don't know what I am supposed to do, if and when I get back to the US. Find a job? Can I now? Get married? Fat chance. Frankly I rather not do anything.

#my dad #life #stuff #my dad had a nice smile

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ourimpavidheroine · 5 years ago

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An Anniversary

Five years ago today, the 13th of February, 2015, I published, all in one shot, a piece of fanfiction called Please Excuse My Penmanship.

I hadn’t, at that point, written - never mind published - any fanfiction for over fifteen years. I had written some X-Files fanfic back in the day but I’d lost it; my backup floppies disappeared when I moved to Finland and, like just about everyone else back then, the places I had posted it to online disappeared without warning. (Toss a coin to your Archive, oh valley of plenty.) I’d been pretty torn up about losing my fic that way, which put me off writing. Time went on; I had twins in 2002 and they both turned out to have non-verbal autism and different flavors of ADD/ADHD and my life got very complicated and very difficult for a lot of years there. Writing for pleasure wasn’t even on the table.

By 2015 my life had settled a bit. My wife was disabled and suffering from severe and untreated depression and the kids were in special ed and a lot of therapies but we were managing. I had watched Avatar: The Last Airbender with my kids (on DVD - they were too young for it when it first aired) and had gone on to watch The Legend of Korra with them as well.

I really liked Mako as a character; he was too internal and complex for most of the kids watching, however, and wasn’t well liked. Most fans saw an inflexible jerk who caused and fucked up a love triangle; what I saw was an autistic man who was suffering from pretty severe PTSD. He grabbed my interest. I related.

I really liked his dynamic with Prince Wu, despite the fact that he was a really annoying character. Queer-coded as fuck, although the showrunners were plainly ignoring it. And I started to headcanon who they would be as a couple. How to make Wu less annoying while still making him canon Wu? How to humanize Mako while still acknowledging his autism and PTSD? Headcanon was all it was, though, a way for me keep myself occupied. I’ve been writing stories inside my head as long as I can remember. It’s what I’ve always done.

I read a post on here on Tumblr where the OP stated that there was no such thing as a good Letter Fic; I thought to myself, Bet I could do it. And so in the end of January 2015 I sat down at my PC and started to type up all of my headcanon.

I went back and forth with Wu. What I first started to write was too clumsy, by half; I tried to stick to his endless slang and it was as annoying as it had ever been on the show. I knew if I stuck to that shallow, silly, stupid, canon Wu he wouldn’t be interesting to read. I struggled with it for a time until I remembered something.

My maternal grandmother told me a story once about a girl from Mexico. Claudia was her name; she was a year older than my mother. Her own mother had died when she was born; her father, who was one of my grandfather’s business partners in Mexico, had left her in the care of her grandparents, who were extraordinarily wealthy denizens of Mexico City. At some point the adults involved thought that it would be a great idea to send this girl to stay with my mother’s family to learn English; in return, my mother would then go and stay a summer in Mexico City to learn Spanish. (Which she did; she’s fluent to this day.) Claudia had no English at all but my grandmother had working Spanish and I guess they all figured it would be enough for this poor girl?

The first day Claudia arrived in San Francisco my grandmother kindly showed her into the bathroom and told her to take a shower. My Grams realized about ten minutes or so later that the water hadn’t turned on; she went to check on her and there she was, sitting obediently on the toilet seat, fully dressed, waiting for the maid to come and undress her and turn the water on for her shower.

She had no idea how to do either of those things for herself. She had never, at the age of thirteen, undressed herself or operated a shower. And there it was, the opening of my story. Wu remembers arriving in Republic City on the run from the Red Lotus, checking into the hotel, and having no idea whatsoever what to do next. And I thought to myself...What if he isn’t actually stupid?

And there he was. My Wu. Just like that.

I wrote feverishly for a week, drawn into the story that was sitting in my head, waiting to be told. I didn’t have a Betareader; my wife liked my writing but rather tersely told me that TLOK wasn’t her fandom and she wasn’t interested in reading it, something that hurt me pretty deeply, especially since my X-Files fanfic was how we’d actually connected in the first place.

(She was, at that time, in the process of slowly dying of heart failure, but I didn’t know that then.)

I wasn’t going to publish it. I just wanted to write it, to see if I still had it together after a seventeen year hiatus. Wuko wasn’t at all a popular ship; after the show finale a couple of months prior all the fanfiction being feverishly written and published was Korrasami. (In fact, I checked AO3 at the time and found exactly two Wuko fanfics, both of which were one-shots and not to my particular taste.) I went back and forth with it and then thought, Fuck it. I’ll just do it. And maybe no one will read it but at least I’ll have done it. I read it through one more time and then, on the thirteenth of February, took a deep breath, told myself to stop being a coward, and posted the entire fic at once.

I got my first comment, and I was elated. And then I thought to myself, Well, fuck, you may as well write some of the other stuff in your head. You might learn something about yourself as a writer on the way.

Then, a few months later, on the seventeenth of June, my world fell apart. My wife, staying at our summer cottage with our twelve year old twins, died of a heart attack while the kids were off playing and I was here at home, getting ready to travel down the next day on the train to meet them all for the summer. My daughter was the one to find her; she was long past saving at that point. Family friends brought the children, our pets, and our car the two hours back home as I collapsed on the floor of our flat and rocked myself back and forth, wordlessly keening, my hands trembling uncontrollably.

The next year was unspeakable. I was a widow at forty-six; I was living in a foreign country with two disabled children, with no family or friends nearby and an imprecise grasp of the language. My wife had told me she had life insurance; she lied. I was flat broke. My grief was deep and whole and devastating; my children were traumatized and barely functioning. I had no one to help me, and I’d cook meals at midnight so my sleeping children wouldn’t hear me sobbing in the kitchen.

And I wrote.

I wrote out of desperation; I had to do something to keep me tethered to this world. I wrote of love and families, of a traumatized child from the street that was my daughter’s age, full of bravado and choked fury. I wrote of an autistic boy growing into a man, bullied and shunned, aching to be free, much like my own.

I took my children to more therapists. I took myself to a therapist that turned out to be homophobic; I found another one. I made dinners; I cleaned the house, I walked in circles around my living room, whispering over and over to myself, You’re okay you’re okay you’re okay you’re okay, before making another phone call.

And I wrote.

In August of 2018 my daughter attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I was trying to write I Do Not Ask The Night For Explanations and I had to stop. I had severe panic attacks whenever I tried to work on it. I brought her home and I cut my work hours down to four hours a week so that I could be with her at all times; she wasn’t safe to be left alone. I cared for her. I cared for her twin, who was terrified, unable to sleep, afraid that if he wasn’t watching her she’d try it again. I fought until I got them different therapists. I stopped sleeping. My health suffered.

And I wrote. When I could. It was, without any doubt at all, the only thing that was keeping me going during that time. I would tell myself that I had to keep going, that I still had so much of this story in my head, I needed to get it out. Sometimes I would write while sobbing. Sometimes I would sit here at my desk and nothing would come. I just kept going, though.

It’s better now. She missed most of last year of school and is making it up this year and doing so well. Her brother is at a new school and has, for the first time in his life, made friends. I was able, in December, to actually leave them for three days; the first time I had been away from them since we lost their mother.

They’ll be eighteen this summer and we’re finally able to breathe. We’re moving forward, the three of us. We’re still broken, but we’re making something new out of the pieces instead of trying to put them back together.

My writing is what saved me. It wasn’t about how many hits/comments/kudos I got; I appreciate every single one I get, believe me. But the writing was making me hold myself accountable, making myself get out of bed, get dressed, brush my hair and teeth, sit down and try. Sometimes that was all I could manage; the writing just wasn’t happening. But it gave me a goal when I needed one. And boy, did I need one.

Thank you all for reading. For those of you that have been there since the beginning and those who just started reading now. For those who faded away from the fandom over time or who left because they didn’t like how the story was going; I wish you well and thanks for reading when you did. Thank you for the hits and the kudos and the comments. You may not have known you were helping to save me, but you were. So thank you.

I am not done writing yet. I am not oblivious; I know I am so far in AU territory now that you’re for all intents and purposes reading original fic. That’s okay. It’s the story that was in my head, that is still in my head. Maybe someday I’ll try to publish it and maybe I won’t, and I’m fine with that. I’m not ready at this point to do what’s necessary to take it past fanfic and that’s okay. It has served and is continuing to serve its purpose for me; if you all enjoy it then that’s just biscuits and gravy, as my Great-Aunt Margie used to say.

I wrote us all a little anniversary ficlet; this takes it full circle for me. (And then back I go to Wu and Qi’s wedding!)

Mind the warnings at the bottom if you think you need them.

Chapter 132: 252: Wu

#My fanfiction #five year anniversary #long post #cw:death #cw:suicide #cw:trauma

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chenoehi · 5 years ago

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My thoughts on Grammys, BTS, and the Academy's supposed 'diversity'.

Can't do 'Keep Reading' on mobile guys so if you don't care about it keep on scrolling.

The only BTS music I thought might have a slim chance for a nomination was "Boy With Luv (ft. Halsey)" as a pop duo collaboration. That was it. Anything more than that was just wishful thinking.

The Academy (both Grammy and Oscar's) talk about diversity when controversy comes up, they give some Black artists and actors awards, they look like try-hards, and then the next year they repeat history. Each year more men continue to be nominated than women, even in years that women dominated the industry. Each year artists who push boundaries continue to be overlooked or less favored than more traditional artists. Each year recognition continues to be bulk awarded to the most basic artists with the most basic styles with the most basic music, often times the same (mostly white) artists each year. No one get me started on always having to award artists like Taylor Swift or Ed Sheeran or Adele each year they make music, despite whether or not what they put out is actually good, original, or better than what they did the year before. I'm not singling them out, but I think they illustrate my point. I will make one exception for Adele because she is a phenomenal singer, although I did not personally believe 25 deserved to sweep; I've been told by fans that Ed Sheeran is a good performer, so I'll give him that but I'll keep my thoughts of his music and the rest of my opinions to myself. But I get tired of artists like these getting nominated every time or almost every time they put music out and then getting awards every time they're nominated, hence sweeping. It gets tiring when the music that frequently-awarded artists put out sucks and they keep raking noms because of who they are.

There is absolutely nothing BTS or any other Asian et al. artists can do to beat that system. None of the criticism in the world has changed it thus far and I don't know that anything ever will. It's a hard institution to tear down. They will use "diverse" artists for ratings by inviting them and having them hand out awards and, in BTS's case, making such a big deal as to even display their Grammy outfits in the museum, and then they will refuse to nominate them.

It's a back handed compliment to non-Western artists. The Academy is saying they're good enough to help win over a predominantly younger and more diverse generation of viewers but they're not good enough to be awarded for their achievements.

What's worse is, the only expectation I had was for the Academy to invite them as performers despite whatever minuscule nomination they might have garnered, because it's been clearly hinted they would attend another Grammys and the Academy would frankly be fools to not have them perform after the shitstorm going on the pop industry rn. If you know anything about the Taylor Swift situation (you may not be able to tell which one because there are always so many) who knows if she will be performing this Grammys, and her medley of her songs was supposedly going to be a highlight; something's always stirring things up so who knows if certain artists don't end up going at all or bow out of performing. Ariana Grande bailed on the 2019 Grammys because the Grammy producer wouldn't let her perform songs she wanted to, and these kinds of disputes happen and artists who are nominated become no-shows. So, the opportunity to invite a group with a huge following, who have already proved to increase ratings, seems like a sure move right?

But BTS can't exactly perform at the Grammys if they're not nominated for a Grammy; I don't see them doing a tribute any time soon either. And if the Academy even dares to invite them at this point for a performance it will be an insult and a transparent ratings grab. BTS may still go to avoid appearing as if their pride has been wounded or just because they want to go regardless. They know better than their fans how it feels to lose, to be discarded, to be overlooked. This is happening to them first and foremost, not us. And if they decide that they will deal with this the same way they dealt with all their other struggles, to push on, perform for their fans, and use the opportunity of exposure for what it's worth, then support them and their decision. I, for one, won't be watching it live regardless of whether they are there. If all the Academy wants is ratings from BTS fans when they are fine with treating them like garbage, they won't get ratings from me.

I fully believe that the Academy is not only discriminatory to non-Western, non-white artists but that failing to nominate BTS for any award at all is out of fear. Fear that their traditional, safe artists will be offended and boycott the awards if they lose out on a nomination, fear that their fanbases will retaliate, but more importantly, fear that BTS or any other gigantic force of a non-Western artist may be a shoe-in for whatever award they are nominated for and potentially sweep if allowed to compete with all other artists. This comes after BTS won Best Group at the Billboard Music Awards this year. Their first time being nominated for a major U.S. award category. It wasn't even a Best New Artist schtick. It was a main category and they were up against established, popular, Western groups like Imagine Dragons and Maroon 5. It comes on the heels of Super M earning number 1 debut album and beginning a successful tour they are on right now. It comes after Blackpink performed at Coachella and toured the country. It comes after NCT 127 and ATEEZ toured the country. Even TXT, a months old group, had successful showcases in major U.S. cities.

The Academy is too racist and xenophobic to acknowledge Asian artists--they always have been and they always will be. The most diversity we'll see is the nomination of Black artists, but still only 2 were nominated for SotY whereas 4 were nominated for RotY. I don't know the exact numbers, but any time I've ever kept up with the awards I don't see very many other diversity groups being represented in nominations either, such as artists with disabilities or LGBT artists who have different gender expressions and identities or sexual orientations that impact their music, performance, and artistry. Halsey's intimate performance at the BBMAs with that female dancer was huge because that's just not something that's really done. Still. And any time it does happen it's a Britney and Madonna moment all over again, it's a fetish to everyone. Progress has been made but it's very minuscule in comparison to the 'diversity' touting approach they've taken.

I'll just leave the words of this morning's Rolling Stone article here:

So, the Academy selectively extends its diversity goodwill just as they always have. No shade to the artist, but just using this example of Lil Nas X versus BTS, you have a young Black, gay artist who started his career in late 2018. He's nominated for some of top Grammys with a minimal discography--an 18-minute EP. This is groundbreaking, it's great. BTS, a 6-year-old established group of young Korean artists who break nearly every record there is and dominated Western charts this spring, and they continue to chart Billboard and Western streaming platforms. They earn no nominations.

The two artists ironically happen to have a collaboration in the form of Old Seoul Road.

Congrats to Lizzo and Lil Nas X (that's not shade at Billie btw) but this tweet from the New York Times is so unbelievably misguided because the Academy's conception of diversity is like seasoning with mostly salt, a little pepper and no cayenne (hate to use that analogy but am I wrong?):

I do appreciate that some artists who don't get nominated a lot got nominations, but looking at the list of top awards I just can't imagine how some of those got through. And I listen to a lot of different music and some BTS stans may have know idea who the fuck Bon Iver is and I'm not saying they don't deserve nominations period, but when you look at the list it's just mind boggling how a song like BWL that was listened to and appreciated like a summer anthem would be could not be included in that mess. (Vampire Weekend for Album of the Year, what, who the fuck, is that, they've been around since 2006, that's when I listened to nothing but metal and rock and I don't, know who the fuck this obscure band is? I may have heard of them once eons ago but they apparently made no impression? I'm sorry). I won't go as far as to say BWL was a Western summer anthem because much of the gp still doesn't know them, this is true. But apparently that's never stopped the Academy before. Bonus, anyone remember Bon Iver winning Best New Artist over Katy Perry all those years ago? No, just me? Good times. (Respect to Bon Iver, I'm just making a point that a lesser known artist won that award over a popular artist and the public went "waH?" Bon Iver being nominated for Record and Album of the Year this time honestly has the same effect as before because what is Hey, Ma even. I listen to Indie music so. What it is.)

Anyway. That's my thoughts. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed is a myth. You will always have room to be disappointed in humanity.

Edit: while I'm at it, a big, massive fuck you to the Academy for never nominating Halsey for Without You.

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kidchameleon92 · 6 years ago

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“life story” 1

i’m not going to edit this at all going along. typos, bad grammar, mistakes. doesn’t matter. this is spontaneous thought.

disclaimer: i changed the word to “spontaneous” from “spurious” which means something completely different, so the first paragraph is already a lie.

anyway, it’s been a really weird and sort of bad couple months for me. mostly in my state of mind. i feel very stuck and very immobile when it comes to my art and career. and that is having a very negative effect on my brain. even though i’m putting out my favorite songs i’ve ever written. i’ve been meaning to write for awhile. i used to post when i lived in los angeles several years ago, just journaling my day to day life. but i haven’t for awhile. i guess i also used to write in a notebook while on different tours. but i think i’ve since thrown that away or hidden it somewhere.

point is: i just want to write to get things off my mind. and hopefully, maybe, it’ll help you (if you care to) get to know me a little more and on a more personal level. even if we haven’t met. and maybe it’ll make what i make (if you care about it) mean more to you. either way, mostly, i just want to rant a bit. so, this is my life’s story. i guess.

chapter 1: kid

i was born in a suburb of the twin cities in minnesota. my parents both grew up in minnesota and lived there their whole lives (until my mom recently moved to tennessee). my mom was a mortician, and my dad was an accountant. also an alcoholic. he cheated on her and left her and i when i was one year old. i remember growing up going to stay with him on weekends, except it was with him and his girlfriend at the time. except he was drunk a lot. and would drive drunk with me (a baby) in the car. so, that’s cool. anyway, my mom was really depressed, and that was not a good time (or so i’ve heard, because i was a baby, so idk).

i stayed with my grandparents a lot, because my mom worked full time. my maternal grandparents lived on a ton of land. my grandpa and i would ride motorcycles and four wheelers and sleep in a treehouse and all that. my other grandparents lived in the same town but in a small house. i used to go up to their cabin during the summer and go fishing and swimming and boating and all that. different g-parent vibes, but loved both a lot.

anyway, when i was three, my mom married my step-dad. he is from india and has had a lot of unique and challenging experiences, so that certainly brought a lot of particular lessons and outlooks into my life. i went there once when i was about 14. it was wild. but so, yeah. that kinda solidified my family unit. my dad got remarried later on as well. but the older i got, i saw him less and less.

so ... i loved video games. i played them all the time. a big part of my childhood. mostly nintendo. explains a lot. as a kid in school (4 years public, 3 years private, 1 year home, 3 years private, 1 year PSEO [look it up]), i was never popular whatsoever. i always wanted to gain some sort of acclaim or attention from my classmates, but was pretty much always looked down on for one reason or another. i remember in elementary school, i was the kid who was literally terrified of storms. probably because i had been in a tornado when i was six. but the moment it would thunder, all the kids would look at me to see if i was gonna cry. usually, i did. and the school nurse would take me outside and we’d walk around as a sort of therapy. i guess it helped sorta. i still get nervous in storms. but i don’t cry.

i also remember a time specifically that i got made fun of for wearing a denver broncos t-shirt. this kid just railed on me because it wasn’t a minnesota vikings shirt. so, one: i don’t even give a fuck about sports. but two: it stuck with me for some reason that someone would be a massive jerk over a t-shirt of a sports team. i guess that’s just because we as humans are messed up things.

anyway, in middle school, i started becoming semi-interested in music. i listened to the radio every night, listening to the top 10 countdown of big songs from that week. kanye, weezer, the click five, black eyes peas, green day. those were some anyway. besides that, i was just listening to like kelly clarkson and relient k or something. my mom had a steven curtis chapman cd in her van i thought went hard. but i started getting into popular music around then. i also started to write my own music. i used to take piano lessons from when i was like six or seven until i was 14 or so. but after i started writing my own songs, i hated practicing assigned pieces. i didn’t care. i wanted to play my own. so, the teacher said if i quit, i couldn’t be her student again. so i did. that’s fine. she said i was her most talented student. but i didn’t work that hard. so, that goes to show that natural talent and hard work have different roles, i suppose.

chapter 2: girls and high school and such

in high school, i started LiKiNg gIrLs and stuff. i also was still not very popular. i also had started a band (with jack). i wasn’t very good, but i was just as obsessed with it as i am now. anyway, i liked this one girl from my church, and we talked all the time. but because we grew up in a pretty fundamental church culture, we weren’t allowed to date. which honestly, i fine, because looking back, no one knows what they are doing at 16 really. i definitely didn’t. i still don’t know what i’m doing. anyway ...

so, this girl and i half-dated for a couple years, and i was really clingy and annoying. but that’s just how i be. and i thought i was gonna marry her and stuff, because in a fundamental church context, you over spiritualize everything.

[[disclaimer: i am a christian, and i still go to church, but my theology and ideology on a lot of things has just evolved and changed a lot since i was young and since leaving the ultra-americanized/ultra-fundamental “christian” realm. main point being: we all are effed up bro and need saving. i’m an idiot always!]]

but now we’re back. girl “dumped” me and started dating another guy named “patrick” right after, even though she technically wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18. but apparently, she just wasn’t allowed to date me. so, that was cool. anyway, i was angsty, but then i got over it. because i was 17, so life big time goes on.

then i met another girl from canada while i was finishing school and going hard at my band stuff. we hit it off, and i started visiting her up there. and she visited me and all that. it was cool. and then all of a sudden, she really started hating me. and to be fair, i was weird and clingy and sort of a lot to deal with. but we kept dating. all the while, i was sort of leaving behind music to try to get into nursing school. yep, nursing school. but i got rejected, which is great. and so, i decided to go to audio engineering school in canada. and she was gonna go to college in the same city. this is great! so i thought. she dumped me (well, i sort of broke up with myself for her) about a month after we were living in the same city. wack. but it made me buckle down and work my ass off in school. i was top of my class one semester. yeah, i’m not that dumb. sometimes.

towards the spring of the next year, i happened to meet a girl who was at my church with one of my friends. she seemed chill. just talked a little. nothing crazy. happened to hit her up on twitter just to say hi. no intention. we talked a bit. nothing after that. then all of a sudden, a couple months later, i was tweeting about reading harry potter for the first time (note: fundamental upbringing). she happened to tweet me back about it. and long story short, we went out on a date. a sort-of-date. and what was supposed to be a lunch turned into an all day and half the night date. anyway, we got married a year later. after a lot of immigration paperwork and expenses. that’s a whole other post. that sucked. it’s a lot. and it’s why i feel bad for people who have nothing who are trying to come here to flee danger in their own countries. again, another post.

chapter 3: married, and other hard things

so, i forgot to say that before we got married, i lived in los angeles for a year after school. i was doing more sound for film work. on set stuff, post-production. got to do work with like ... james franco, matt damon, emma roberts, william shatner. some cool stuff. but jack’s old band came through on tour, and i saw two shows. and i was like ... bruh. i gotta do music, what am i doing? so, i literally moved back to minnesota within like two weeks, worked as a nursing assistant for a little bit and got married. then moved to nashville like two weeks later. i guess i could’ve stayed in los angeles. but nashville felt like the move at the time. everything happens with a purpose.

so, we moved here, and she couldn’t work for three months because of immigration stuff. so, i was like, well, guess i need a job. so, i got a job managing a home for a couple people with intellectual disabilities. it was super hard. mostly because the company was really, really bad. so, i got another job working as a staffing coordinator in an office for a home health care agency. that was a little better. still tough. but less overwhelming. a couple months after i got that job, i got an offer to go on a country tour playing bass for someone. and i was like ... well, this is why i moved here. so, i quit and went on tour. and shawna actually took my old job. interesting.

i was gone for three weeks, and it sucked and the pay was bad, but at least i was doing what i wanted. but then i got an offer from my friend to do some tech work on a much bigger country gig. i hadn’t done it before, but it was better pay and a better position. and on a bus and nice things and all that. so, i went for it. i pissed the other girl i was playing for off. but that’s show biz, baby. but like, i found a replacement for myself and paid to fly him out to her shows and stuff. so, really she won.

anyway, i toured with this other artist for four years. and i learned a lot. it was very, very challenging, both mentally and physically. and some people are just hard to work with. but i still gained so much valuable experience and insight into touring from that. i also started playing guitar for another artist who was small at the time, but has now had a couple number one hits. but his label fired me because i didn’t look country enough. we’re still homies though, so it’s literally fine. because i do indeed not look country enough.

at the same time, i was doing my own solo music and also producing and writing with and for other people. i’ve had the opportunity to write and produce for everything from independent artists to major label to billboard charting albums to whatever. songs on major television networks. i’m still very un-rich though, if that tells you anything.

but really, i just wanted to do my own music. and i literally couldn’t get it to go anywhere. i had no idea what the “secret” was. what was i missing? money? connection? power? actually probably all of that, to be honest. this industry is wacko. i was pretty close to giving up.

chapter 4: milkk

i read a satirical article on vice.com about “how to start a trendy band” or something. i thought it was funny. so, i called jack. he had just been kicked out of his old band for no reason. i was like, “bruh, let’s do this article.” and he was like, ok. so, we sort of did. and i’m not gonna go into all the early details, because i’ve done a million press interviews about how our band started. and i don’t wanna say it again. google it.

this was the first time that i actually saw people care about my music. it was a high. it was like a dream. and we hadn’t even had any big song or anything. just the fact that people were listening and engaging was mind blowing to me. but just like with anything, the more things went, the less i found satisfying. the more “likes” or “follows” on socials didn’t feel like enough anymore. the streams didn’t seem good enough. the chart positions on the debut album didn’t seem that great. the hype wore off a little after the debut album hype. and that made me insane. probably because we as humans are not built to be satisfied by the things in our life. “Vanity of vanities!” it’s in ecclesiastes. like the bible one.

chapter 5: now

anyway, that’s bad. i had (and have) let my mind convince me that i have to achieve something in order to be happy or fulfilled, when i know that that stuff will never fulfill me. i could play the biggest stadium and have the biggest song in history, but after a burst of dopamine and excitement, it would be empty. and i know that nothing here will do that. at least, that’s what i believe. my hope is outside of myself.

but that’s hard to internalize when you are so passionate about something, and have been for so long, and all you want to do is create things for other people that they can appreciate and be influenced by. but it’s probably also selfish. like i openly admit i like the idea of fame and presence. and it probably ties all the way back to wanting acknowledgement and attention as a kid, from being unpopular and ridiculed and, honestly, left by my dad. maybe i just therapied myself.

but regardless, i know i can’t put my identity in all this stuff. it’s hard, and it’s harder when you create stuff. because it’s so deeply tied to you. but it’s still not “who i am.” i know who i am and what i believe, but i’m still a mess, so i can’t enact that in my brain perfectly. in fact, far from it.

anyway. it’s late, and i’m going to post this and attempt to not worry about how it does on social media. stupid!!! i just want this out in the world for you to read. hopefully it’s helpful for you in some way. but mostly, it was just cool to write this out, for my own sake.

i’ve been blessed in some amazing ways. my family. oh, yeah i forgot that i have two kids. i love them a lot. i don’t talk about them on social media much. but they are very special to me. and we’ve always been taken care of, even when times were tight or i didn’t know when the next paycheck was coming in or i thought my wife was about to die or whatever. the Lord provided for us every time. and i am grateful to have what career i have. it may be “small” and nothing to look at by the big industry standards, but i believe in what i make so much, and i’m just grateful that anyone cares about it at all. and i will continue to do so until the day i die. because i have to.

it’s what i was born to do, for better or worse. and no one can tell me otherwise.

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finsterhund · 5 years ago

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Thought we were just going to the post office but we went on a big long journey all day long and now I'm so tired it feels like my feet are going to fall off and like my back is crinkling like a food wrapper.

Tried to go to my bank but they changed the hours for no reason just randomly to be extremely inconvenient and didn't have the machines open which doesn't make sense. So I didn't get to withdraw money for the computer fund.

Blvucci is releasing glow in the dark hoodies and I must abstain. I need to save up for my computer. Stop tempting me Blvucci.

There's a new gym that opened up near the post office. Once this is all over I'm planning to get their cheapest membership along with my friend and we will go together. They have very high-end machines and they're very accessibility friendly for disabled people unlike my friend's last gym.

There was stuff I wanted at Walmart but I must save for my computer. I didn't get cereal and bagels I just got bagels. I like to think I am being smart.

It is WAY TOO HOT.

I am actually dying. My window fan requires me to not exercise in my room because it can't work THAT hard. My body is the most powerful incinerator in the world and it absolutely sucks. I'm hotter than a main sequence star and burning just as violently. I'm always too hot except when my fan is going full blast and the sun is down.

So yeah I'm burned out because today was so so hot and I was out for so long and in the end there was nothing for me at the post office. But getting exercise is very important in these times. Helped me feel less pent up and frustrated.

Summer is the season of sweating and constantly being thirsty and I'm sick of it. Just once I want air conditioning or to go to a lake or have a yard with a sprinkler in it. Cold showers just don't feel the same man.

I'm overheating worse than ice pack laptop about ready to just shut down.

Currently having a cold bath and hoping my headache goes away.

I remember when it got this bad when I was little I'd just be in shorts and climb into the fridge and all but shut the door. Couldn't get caught doing it though.

You know in those movies where someone gets murdered by being locked in the walk-in freezer?

Pretty sure if that happened to me I'd melt all the food.

And despite this I can't be my own heating pack for my stupid spine. Literally what is the use then? I'm meant to live in Antarctica.

#text post #long post

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

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Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.

#survey #quiz #questions #personal

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