#Stupid me.

[yellowpoet]

hold on. Was suck him good and hard through his jorts supposed to conjour the image of someone who has an unzipped fly because this entire time I've been imagining someone slurping on wet denim

[cometiny]

you can shake him. he enjoys it

[lastoneout]

I just love it when video games let you do really stupid shit that kills you immediately. I love being like "oh this is a terrible idea" and being able to do it and then die. It's good game design.

[inbabylontheywept]

I was walking out of the Walmart today, and a car passed me, and I got this incredibly vivid impression. It wasn't really in words, but if I had to put it into words, the two key points would be

a). I needed to watch that car and

b). That I needed to be careful, because the driver of the car was a massive bitch.

It kind of took me by surprise, because I really had no reason to be beefing with that car, and I also hadn't really had an impression like that since I was religious, which was in my teen years. Right? It'd been a decade since I had a little voice whisper in my ear, and I'd basically written it off as nonsense.

Anyway, I watched the car, because The Spirits or whatever were very insistent that I did. Car drove fine, went into the parking spot, inched forward, and right when it should've just stopped, the driver gunned it for some reason and it ran into the curb and cracked its bumper.

So, the driver got out, and she went to the front of the car to check that yes, she had cracked her bumper, and then she turned to look at me. The parking lot wasn't empty, but we were the only two people standing in that row, and I'd probably been staring at her for tenish seconds now.

She demanded very angrily to know why I hadn't warned her of the curb. And I could have said I didn't know you were about to gun it or is it my job to help every stranger park, or even could you have even heard me, inside your car?

And all of those would have been fine, but I was really, really busy digesting that I had somehow communed with Mormon Jesus again for the first time in fifteen years, and that the communion had mostly been there to let me watch someone park badly (?), so what I responded with was:

"Because it was foretold."

And I can't tell which would be funnier, if she went silent because there's not much to be said to that, or if she went silent because in Utah, she might actually believe me, but we parted ways without more words.

I'm still kind of digesting this myself, actually.

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[bllmak]

lawyer husbands

[seenthisepisode]

no offence but the reason tumblr is “dying” is, well, yes, of course the cursed like/reblog ratio and the change in user behaviour (because of people being used to how instagram and tiktok work) BUT also the lack of weekly shows. i say it with my whole chest, they don't produce captivating and engaging stupid weekly tv shows anymore because streaming killed that so you have spikes of activity here when Something happens in general fandom or up to three days after a new season of whatever drops and then it's a wasteland. this is obviously an old woman yelling at a cloud missing supernatural and the vampire diaries and pretty little liars and all these other shows type of post but honestly give me back weekly tv shows where i have something to watch for 40 minutes almost every day of the week after work so then i can read and reblog it on tumblr give it back for the sake of my sanity

[spidergvven]

queerness under apartheid

[kitsu-katsu]

A group of queers of all types is a pride

A group of aces is a deck

A group of aros is a quiver

A group of trans women is a code-camp

A group of enbies is a byte

A group of bi people is a tandem

A group of pan people is a panic

Thank you for coming to my wilderness documentary

[daydreamerwonderkid]

RIP to Bruce. Can't get a single night to himself smh

[collaredkittyboy]

[lilithland]

imagine you’re at the gym superrrrrr late one night

and maybe you’re a little paranoid because it’s late at night but you just can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching you

you check and check but you never spot anyone else in the gym

you’re not the brightest, so you see no problem in showering at the gym before you go home, even if you feel a little unsafe

you always act a little bit like a dirty slut in the shower because you think it’s silly

you stick your tongue out and look up with puppy dog eyes, pretending you’re about to have your pretty face absolutely defiled

you make a show out of washing your tits, massaging them and making them extra soapy

you of course stick a cheeky finger into your naughty holes, just to double check that you’re extra clean

you’re scared shitless when you hear someone open the locker room door

you flush all over absolutely humiliated and embarassed with how you were acting in a public space, thankfully no one saw you but the door opening was just what you needed to stop playing around

just as you’re about to turn off the water the curtain behind you is pulled open

you whip around, one hand instinctively covering your tits and the other your princess parts

before you could so much as get a scream out, you’re manhandled to turn away and are pressed into the shower wall

a giant hand covers your mouth and another holds your slutty body tight to the man behind you, you struggle against him, only causing his grip to tighten

the arm holding you keeps you in place while descending down your body, he skips right over your achy clit and goes straight for your fuck hole

he slides two fingers in with ease, you tell yourself it’s the shower water that’s giving him easy entry but deep down you know that’s not true

his fingers work almost too fast leaving you dizzy and unsatisfied

you continue your futile attempt to break free, accidentally fucking yourself more on his fingers

before you can process what’s happening he rips his fingers out, your abused pussy clenching and leaking around nothing

a hard hand smacks your tits, when you go to scream the fingers that were just in you get shoved down your throat, you gag as you taste yourself on your r4pist’s fingers

you feel his hard, throbbing cock at your drippy hole

you go to scream only to choke and gag more on the fingers being forced down your throat

the man behind you wastes no time filling you up, stuffing you in one go, the stretch of his massive cock burns but your eager whore hole greedily accepts the intrusion

the man stands up fully and lifts you with him, you sink onto his cock more, crying from the fullness

he leaves the two of you like that for a bit, forcing you to cock warm

you start to cry once you realize just how much of a mess you’re making all over his dick

you haven’t stopped leaking, your body knowing it needs a good fucking

you whine and are horrified when you find your hips starting to rock, desperately seeking to be fucked

“good girl”

you’re relieved for a few moments as he fucks you up and down on his monster cock

you’re dangerously close to cumming when he sets you back down and bends you over

he pulls his fingers out of your mouth and his dick out of your fuck hole, ruining your orgasm you were so close to having

before you can scream and cry and embarrass yourself more, your drippy hole is stuffed once more

this time though, it’s not a cock impaling you

no, he shoved your shampoo bottle as far as it could go into your tight little pussy

“no no no take it out!”

your ass is smacked hard in response causing you to shut up

“be a good little fuck doll or i’m not going to let you finish tonight”

he fucks the bottle in and out of you a couple times, the wet sounds of your greedy hole accepting any kind of fucking mortifies you

the bottle stills and you can’t tell if you’re relieved, your hole aching to be fucked again

one hand pushes your head down holding you in place, the other starts to prod your back entrance

you really start to kick and scream

“anything but that! please! you’ll split me right open, im begging you anything but that”

“shhhhh daddy’s gonna make you feel so good princess”

one finger turns to two, two turns to three

every time a finger gets added the bottle buried in your cunt is fucked in and out of you

you’re a moaning, groaning, overstimulated mess

dumbly, you fall for the same slap scream finger combo as before

you’re forced to taste your ass as the man positions himself to enter your other fuck hole

this time he doesn’t hold back, fucking you at a brutal pace

it hurts but the fucking in your ass causes the shampoo bottle in your cunt to rub deliciously against the sweet spot inside you

you don’t cum but he does

you feel hot, thick ropes of sperm shoot into your ass as he stills

you stay like that for a long time, a bottle in your fuck hole and a fat cock cock warming your other fuck hole

the man plays with your nipples while you’re forced to cock warm

“i gotta keep you ready and fuckable for the next few rounds”

[ladysqueakinpip]

guys hot uquiz was just discovered but I'm taking it about 100 yrs too late. anyways everyone share how wifeable you are.

THE WIFE RATING SCALE 1929

[doctorsiren]

this is so stupid i’m so sorry

[mint-chocolate-rooibos]

who taught her that

[kazodus]

came to me in a dream