#Stop giving people midlife crisis

[thecosmosproject]

Akko: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Lotte:

Sucy:

Diana:

Everyone Else At Akko's Surprise Birthday Party:

Hannah: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first...

[eleu22]

just some random task force 141 headcanons

tw: drugs, dead baby jokes?

gaz

- has been approached by model scouts on nights out with the 141 and is so gassed by it but pretends not to be

- got holding onto his tactical vest straps from price because he thought it looked cool

- popular as fuck in school

- side eye king (canon)

- used to do ket when he was younger and is now paranoid price will find out somehow and be disappointed in him

- highlights during briefings and soap calls him a neek

- deleted tiktok because he got addicted to those ingrown hair removal videos

- borderline illegible handwriting

- type to laugh when hes really mad (its lowkey scary)

- has once described himself as a “thought daughter”

- paces when hes stressed

- terrys chocolate orange enjoyer

- tried to grow out a beard but it was weird and kind of patchy

soap

- will be looking at a nice view and will always say how a huge explosion would make it look so much cooler

- does that thing where he tells you to straighten your legs and then kicks the back of your knee

- cannot stay still in his sleep and has once woken up with half is body off the bed horizontally

- has a comic book collection and if you touch it he will kick you out

- goes to life drawing classes sometimes in his free time

- all of his exam papers had doodles on them

- the type of guy to draw a penis in ur notebook

- all of his socks have holes in them but refuses to buy new ones, some are literally the concept of a sock at this point

- smells his armpits unabashedly to see if he smells or not

- will ask to tell you a secret and burp in your ear

- when someone drops like a plate or a cup is the type to scream “wheey!!” and clap and he did that at a pub once and got them kicked out

- will make a fart noise and loudly blame it on you (especially in packed elevators)

-booger flicker

ghost

- makes zero noise when sneezing but still acts it out and he looks like hes bugging

- nose bridge pincher

- doesn’t clip off his fingernails he literally just bites them off and spits it into the bin

- type to say “well done.” sarcastically

- casual dead baby joke enjoyer

“how many babies does it take to paint a wall?”

“depends on how hard you throw them.”

(silence)

- really enjoys solitaire mobile is on level 177

- he once made a recruit run laps for microwaving tea

- off duty he has terrible posture

- chapped lips 24/7

- favourite takeout is chinese food and always get the vegetable spring rolls - he will buy takeout in bulk and then live off of leftovers instead of actually buying groceries

- has 3 forks one knife and one spoon

- has literally no sense of rhythm what so ever , cannot dance to save his life

- loves making social situations awkward in purpose but would never admit that so he just comes off as slightly off putting a lot of the time

price

- sneezes and coughs ridiculously loudly

- weirdly territorial about his hat (i find it so funny he has a waterproof version of it)

- has a weird mole on his back he refuses to get checked out - his reasoning is if he dies via mole it was natural selection

- has extensive knowledge on art history and hates conceptual art (has a tate membership card)

- licks his finger before turning a page

- casual moomin enjoyer

- cuts his cuticles - likes his maintenance has a beard grooming kit

- says he doesnt watch tiktoks but he watches tiktok dog video complications in youtube and they have the most npc ass audios

- is on the “cigar society” on facebook and gives reviews for them

- does the head tilt of disappointment (if its thrown at gaz he literally will not get over it for days)

- slaps his knee when laughing really hard

- also nose bridge pincher

- is the type of make those hiking comments to people who walk by

- really enjoyed the lego batman movie

- unabashedly itches himself

- takes fish oil supplements

- always puts his hand up to say thank you when cars stop for him

- flirts with baristas

- had a brief midlife crisis where he wanted to become a mystery novelist (still has the drafts hidden somewhere but you couldn’t waterboard that information out of him)

thank you

[the-thing-inside-your-closet]

Prompts I’ve seen/found online that I have used an inspiration for many things, but mainly DP X DC stuff.

There’s 200 prompts/quotes in there

1. They match each other’s freak to a degree that is dangerous to the public.

2. People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

3. “I have a solution.”

“Thank goodness.”

“It involves fire.”

“Absolutely not.”

4. Why are you hiding behind me? What did you do?

5. We can’t have a crisis - my schedule is already full!

6. “What’s our exit strategy?”

“Our what?”

“We’re all going to die.”

7. That is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish idea. Let’s do it and see what happens.

8. “This coffee tastes weird.”

“That’s probably because it’s not coffee.”

9. “Can I bother you for a second?”

“You always bother me, but go ahead.”

10. “Are you mad?”

“No.”

“So sharpening knives at 2am is just a hobby?”

11. I’m going to give my inner child a gun.

12. Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

13. I get so affectionate when I’m sleepy it’s disgusting.

14. Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

15. No offence to myself or anything but what the fuck am I doing.

16. I would love to be mysterious but I never shut the fuck up.

17. The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing.

18. Adulthood is a scam I want to be a crow.

19. Good morning! God has let me live another day and I’m about to make it everybody’s problem.

20. My house is haunted because I live there.

21. That’s my emotional support entity of questionable moral standing.

22. God released me into the wild and now he’s hunting me for sport.

23. No, no you don’t want to get to know me, I’m better as a concept.

24. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

25. Do birds every just fly for fun or are they always on some kind of mission?

26. The older I get the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

27. ‘You’ll understand when you’re older.’ I am older and I understand absolutely nothing.

28. Source? It was revealed to me in a delusion.

29. Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

30. I won’t ever be the bigger person in an argument. God made me 5’ for a reason.

31. This meeting could have been a fist fight.

32. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to have a midlife crisis because my entire fucking life is a crisis.

33. Anyone fancy going off the fucking rails with me I’ve had enough.

34. Go ahead and get in the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose.

35. My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes.

36. Who the fuck decided to call it ‘emotional baggage’ and not ‘griefcase?’

37. I don’t have a nervous system. I am a nervous system.

38. “What makes us human?”

“Selecting all of the images with traffic lights.”

39. Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s your day. Ruin it yourself.

40. The sixth love language is combat.

41. “I just told you 2 minutes ago.”

“I do not control the remember.”

42. Due to not wanting to. I will not be.

43. My flabbers be gasted daily.

44. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“Like a hallucination, a therapist, or a person?”

45. “You’re the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you I try my best.”

46. I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me.

47. I think my dark under eye circles are adding to the aesthetic actually.

48. Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

49. Next time I’m opening up to someone will be at my autopsy.

50. Too many songs about love. Not enough song about sword fights.

51. “You’re cute.”

“I’m feral and chaotic, don’t touch me.”

52. I’m not as unhinged as I could be and I want everyone to be great full for that.

53. How dare you know stuff about things.

54. “I have a plan.”

“Is it a good one?”

“I have a plan.”

55. “Are you decent?”

“Not morally, but I’m wearing pants if that’s what you’re asking.”

56. I may have the right to remain silent but I do not have the ability.

57. I don’t want to look ‘pretty.’ I want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening.

58. If you ever feel safe please remember that I’m out there.

59. “I’m too good for revenge.”

“Well I’m not. Give me the gun.”

60. “You know I really feel like we aren’t seeing eye to eye.

“It’s because you’re taller than me asshole.”

61. “They rely on you.”

“I can’t be blamed for their lack of judgment..”

62. Well, aren’t you a little Ray of pitch black.

63. I can get behind murder but I draw the line at misogyny.

64. In my defence your honour, I simply do not vibe with the law.

65. Life is a tornado and I’m just the cow being spun around for cinematic value.

66. You can burn all the sage you want, I’ll be back.

67. I believe in holding grudges. I’ll heal in hell.

68. You know…they make medication for the way you act.

69. I like men with massive, throbbing vocabularies.

70. My swear jar could finance the fucking space program.

71. “Well if you want my opinion-”

“I don’t. I have my own.”

72. I’m awake but not operational.

73. Due to personal reasons I’ll be going back to sleep.

74. The bags under my eyes are Prada.

75. I identify as a threat. My pronouns are try/me.

76. Audacity must be on sale this year…

77. “Have you ever been handcuffed?”

“Sexually or by law enforcement?”

78. I don’t like salad or eye contact.

79. “Come here.”

“Why?”

“Just come here.”

“No you’re gonna hit me!”

80. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“I didn’t throw it.”

81. I have to keep reminding myself that I am an adult and will be charged as one.

82. Apparently ‘spite’ is not an appropriate answer to ‘what motives you?’

83. There is a fine line between my crazy and my intelligence. I use that line like a jump rope.

84. I don’t know where you got your opinion but I hope you kept the receipt.

85. Sometimes when I close my eyes…I can’t see.

86. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

87. Some days the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

88. I’m running out of reasons to not stab you.

89. When I said ‘how stupid can you be?’ It wasn’t a challenge.

90. Love at first sight? Tired, boring. Love at first assassination attempt? Spicy.

91. I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barley take suggestions.

92. And that’s a wrap on another day where I acted like I knew what I was doing.

93. Now if you’ll excuse me…tonight’s bad decision isn’t going to make itself.

94. I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

95. I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

96. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.

97. Being an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

98. If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

99. My spirit animal would fucking eat yours.

100. Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

101. I wonder if people look both ways before getting on my fucking nerves.

102. If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

103. Giving a fuck doesn’t really go with my outfit.

104. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.

105. Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.

106. And then I decided to take a detour to deliver an ass beating.

107. I wanna contribute to the chaos.

108. I’m gay and also stronger than all of you. So don’t try any shit.

109. With all due respect, which is none

110. What, pray tell, the fuck?

111. My arson charges don’t define me.

112. Those are bold words for someone in stabbing range.

113. I don’t understand your specific kind of crazy but I do admire your total commitment to it.

114. I am not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.

115. I don’t want to heal my inner child I want them to get revenge.

116. In order to insult me I must first value your opinion. Nice try though.

117. There’s someone for everyone and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

118. Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

119. I think my guardian angel drinks.

120. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.

121. I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

122. If you figure me out I want an explanation.

123. I don’t think I meet the height requirements to ride your emotional roller coaster.

124. When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, try voodoo.

125. Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

126. You call them swear words. I call them sentence enhancers.

127. Stop petting my peeves.

128. What a year this week has been.

129. Don’t follow me I don’t know where I’m going.

130. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.

131. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

132. Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.

133. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.

134. I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

135. At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I’d just go.

136. I told him to take care of his eyes because they’re the only balls he has.

137. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

138. My last words will probably be sarcastic.

139. We don’t have time to unpack all that.

140. I may have committed light treason.

141. How is ‘pretty boy’ supposed to be an insult? I’m the prettiest goddamn boy in this town.

142. I’m not interested in being polite or heterosexual.

143. “Based on statistical evidence, I’m immortal.”

“How so?”

“Haven’t died yet.”

144. I’m just here to establish an alibi.

145. Take the day off from being the bigger person and choose violence, you deserve it.

146. Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have alzheimers.

147. People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience to not kill them.

148. “I can see your bra.”

“Fucking good it was expensive.”

149. Sir, that’s my emotional support knife collection.

150. My idea of ‘help from above’ is a sniper on the roof.

151. “We’re surrounded!”

“Excellent, we can attack in any direction!

152. Lord give me patience or an untractable handgun.

153. Step back! I’m a professional idiot!

154. “Trust your gut.”

“I have anxiety. My gut is always telling me to abort mission.”

155. Keep your morals away from me.

156. Your existence gives me a headache go stand over there.

157. What, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck?

158. My heart is not a home for cowards.

159. Underestimate me so I can embarrass you.

160. “It’ll be easy. You just have to seduce them.”

“You’re kidding, right? I’m about as seductive as a cabbage.”

161. You’ve got heart, kid. Several hearts. Honestly, I’m a little scared of you.

162. It takes a very special kind of idiot to pull off what you just did.

163. I’m no doctor - but I think he’s dead.

164. I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.

165. “What brings you here?”

“A continuum of terrible choices.”

“You’d be surprised to know how often people say that.”

166. “I thought we agreed to tell each other when we were bleeding internally.”

“That’s a very specific promise I don’t remember making.”

167. “Did you really google how to flirt with a girl?”

“What? How’d you know that?”

“You do realise there’s a search history?”

168. “I’m gonna…”

“If you kick down the door, I swear…”

“I’M GONNA PUNCH IT WITH MY FOOT!”

169. “Is it still murder if I give them a heads up?”

“That’s a threat.”

“Damn.”

170. Surprise! I’m back from the dead! Isn’t that exciting?

171. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be in the corner, having another existential crisis.

172. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

173. You’re important to me you piece of shit.

174. “Why are your hands purple?”

“That’s a very good question.”

175. Can someone turn off the sun please?

176. “I had a thought.”

“Oh no.”

“I swear it’s a good one this time!”

177. I’ve met bread smarter than you.

178. “Please stop getting shot, it stresses me out.”

“Oh, well if YOU don’t like it.”

179. Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.

180. You’ve got as much charm as a dead slug.

181. For you, I could steal the stars - but I can also get them through legitimate means, if that impresses you more.

182. I am under no obligation to make sense to you.

183. You smile like an idiot when you’re talking to them.

184. Don’t you sign to me in that tone.

185. Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.

186. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Don’t care. Shut up.”

187. Now that I made it weird, I’m going to make my exit.

188. So uh, I noticed you’re kinda naked. Is that intentional or…?

189. “Do you trust me?”

“No.”

“Smart man.”

190. Well, if you’d woken up properly the first time I kicked you, I wouldn’t have had to do it four more times.

191. “I have NEVER been so insulted.”

“You don’t listen much, do you?”

192. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“Yup. I just don’t care.”

193. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. I just thought it would be amusing.

194. I would tell you to be yourself but that almost got us killed last time.

195. “Why aren’t you worshipping me, mortal?”

“Not interested. Thanks.”

196. “I’d rather be dead.”

“Then I have some good news for you.”

197. “Did you hear that scream?”

“Yes, I’m the one who screamed.”

198. “What happened to your-”

“I lost a bet.”

“Why-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

199. Reading way above my grade level didn’t get me as far in life as I had hoped.

200. Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

[unreliablesnake]

Untitled. Part one.

Summary: Deacon wants to introduce his girlfriend to his kids.

Note: Reader is a fashion model in her twenties. Deacon and Annie only have three kids. To be honest I like him and the reader together and I see potential. I mean, jealousy from Annie's side or her coming up with the idea that Deac is experiencing some midlife crisis, the kids hating/loving her, the team finding out they're together, she gets into trouble and he has to save our protect her...

Warning: age gap, afab!reader.

PS: I told you I can't stop.

Danica, the lead makeup artist of the photo shoot came over to you with a wide grin on her face, quickly sending the others away so she could tell you an important piece of gossip. You returned her smile as you leaned closer to listen, expecting something about the model who caused some chaos by not showing up.

But she remained silent for a little too long, and you began to assume it was about something else. And just like that, your suspicion was proven right when she finally spoke up. “There's a handsome silver fox outside with a police badge and he's looking for you. Jack is trying to convince him to leave if it's not related to an investigation, though, so if he belongs to you…”

“Oh, yes, he's mine,” you were quick to say with a bright smile. “Thanks for the heads-up, I'll talk to Jack.”

She nodded before gently patting you on the shoulder, giving you the green light to leave. Your makeup was done, it was only your hair that they had to finish before you could stand in front of the camera. They could surely survive five minutes without you, so you rushed out of the building to find your boyfriend and hopefully tell the head of security that there was nothing to worry about.

When your eyes finally fell on Deacon, you couldn't help but gulp from the sight. He was wearing a suit, something you always pointed out looked good on him, and when he noticed you, his face immediately lit up. You had been together for three months now, so this was probably the honeymoon phase making you this happy around each other, but you truly hoped things would stay this way.

His marriage ended shortly before you met thanks to Chris, and back then he wasn't ready to make a move on someone. But months later you met again on a night out with the team and he finally made up his mind to ask for your number. Long story short, he swept you off your feet with ease, and even the age difference wasn't enough to stop you from being happy together.

“Jack, he's with me. Can you let him in?” you asked with a sweet smile.

The man let out a sigh then gestured to him that he was allowed to enter the premises under your watch. Deacon leaned down to kiss the top of your head, already knowing better than to ruin your makeup, then took your hand and led you a little further away from people.

“Don’t get me wrong, I'm glad you're here, but why did you come? Did something happen?” you asked worriedly.

He was quick to reassure you with a shake of his head. “I just wanted to see you. But there's a change in the plans. Annie called; something came along and I'll have the kids over tonight,” he told you.

If he had the kids over, it meant your planned date had to be canceled. It sucked, but you were okay with it. His kids would always come first, and you liked that about him. He loved them more than anything, and it was nice to see how well he and his ex got along after the divorce. Were you jealous of their relationship? Yes, some days it was hard, but you knew they had a history together. You can't delete so many years with a piece of paper that proved you weren't together anymore.

“Raincheck?”

Deacon's smile returned as he watched you. “No. Come over tonight and meet the kids,” he suggested casually. You bit on your lower lip and avoided his gaze, showing the tell tale signs of your insecurity. “Hey, it's okay. I want them to finally meet you. Actually, I think Lila would love you. I was going through some photos of you the other day and there was this stunning picture of you wearing a purple gown. When she saw that, she said you looked like a princess and got all excited, saying she wanted to dress like that too.”

It was hard to hold back a laugh. You could imagine a young girl going nuts over the idea of wearing gowns every single day, and you could also imagine the way he was torn between smiling at his daughter and wishing she would just go to sleep.

Despite your good mood, you still didn't know if you were ready. Meeting the kids was a big step, one that he wanted to happen sooner than it would naturally occur. So you took a deep breath and stepped away, dragging him along as you walked back inside the building. Maybe if he began to focus on seeing you work, he would forget about this idea.

While Henry styled your hair, Deacon leaned against a table with his arms folded over his chest as he watched you. “You don't want to meet them,” he suddenly said. When you let out a sigh and tore your gaze away from him, he nodded. “At all or just yet?”

“It's too soon, Deac,” you admitted. “Look, we've only been together for a few months. I love you, you know that, but I don't think I'm ready for their questions. I need some time to figure out how to talk to kids first. I don't know anything about that, I don't have the experience, and–”

With a small smile on his face he came closer and signaled the hair stylist the step aside for a second. When you gave him a worried look, he just leaned down to place a light kiss on your temple. “Okay, okay, I get it. I love you too, no matter when you meet them. I can give you advice, don't worry, then we'll wait until you're ready,” he assured you.

“Lovebirds, I hate to interrupt, but if you're not ready in ten minutes, they will kill you,” Henry said, but then his eyes fell on Deacon's badge. “Not literally, of course.”

“Yeah, I assumed you meant it that way.”

[madamspellmans-met-tet]

🍷Illicit Affairs🍷┃ Ch. 3

Lilia Calderu x fem!reader

wc: ~ 3.2 k

summary: Lilia has a stressful day at work and wants nothing more than to enjoy a hot bubble bath—but she is interrupted.

*******************************************

All of Lilia’s pants had been in the washing this morning, leaving her with no other choice but to wear a pencil skirt that she didn’t dare bend over in for fear it might rip. The new concierge had been paying her enough attention today without the need for a spectacle. Who was she kidding? She would’ve laughed her pretty ass off if it would’ve happened. 

She drove home through the dense autumn fog after her shift and nearly ran into an unfortunately positioned trash can, but after a day of yelling at people to get their shit together because the hotel inspectors were bound to show up any day now as they did every year, she didn’t have an ounce of energy left to work herself up about it. Her scalp ached from a day of wearing her hair tightly pinned up, even now that she’d tugged it loose. 

In her driveway, she left the car without her parka but regretted it as soon as she'd stepped out. She was plucking the house keys from her bag when the front door opened. Alice came out with her hair curled and a tinge of scarlet on her lips that matched the ends of her fringe—a highly unusual sight. 

"Mh, where are you going?" Lilia sang. 

"Just Stephen's."

"Stephen." She weighed the name on her tongue. "He has a name. So it's serious."

"Well, we've had a few nice dates, and he's—he's a good guy, mamma, I promise. Even mom said so, and she—"

The house key dug into her palm as she clenched her fist around it. "Lorna has met him?"

“He was in the area, and—and you don’t like men.”

She huffed, blinking the ache away, swallowing, and nodded. While she might not have the same interest in men that Lorna did, she would have hoped Alice knew she would never mock her for dating one. Didn't she know that she loved her no matter what?

Alice sighed, a breath heavy with guilt. “Are you mad, mamma?”

“No.” She stepped closer and fixed Alice's lipstick with the edge of her red nail, holding her face between thumb and index finger. The smile didn't reach her eyes. “Just sad.”

Alice pulled her into a hug and squeezed tight, squishing her cheek against Lilia's as she'd done since she was a little girl. Lilia put her hand on the back of her head and felt the hurt in her chest melt away. Even when she drew away, Alice kept her arms looped around her neck, and Lilia put her hands on them, rubbing her thumbs in crescents. "You look beautiful, piccinia. Bellissima."

"Thanks." Alice smiled and let go of her. "I'm off now." She kissed Lilia's cheek. "Don't wait up for me."

She set about to leave, but Lilia stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Wait. Have you heard from my docezza? She left so suddenly after the concert—"

"She cancelled band practice this week. Not sure what's going on, but I'll give her a call tomorrow."

Lilia took the information in, but it did nothing to quell her worries. Her mind went spinning with possibilities of what could've happened. "Va bene. Have fun, my love." 

"Bye, mamma."

She ran off with a wave, and Lilia looked after her for a moment before going inside. It was quiet. Her house was hardly ever quiet. Having Alice live with her again after the divorce had ensured it stayed that way, but now she was once again leaving the nest. When Alice had first left for college, it had thrown her into a midlife crisis that had led to her ripping the tapestry off the walls one night and then renovating the whole house. This time, she was developing a crush on the sinfully much younger best friend of her daughter.

She tossed everything aside—her bag, her coat, her shoes—and went to the bathroom to open the tap and draw herself a hot bath. Letting the water run, she headed for the bedroom to fetch her bathrobe, reading glasses, and the copy of Wicked Witch on her nightstand. While she was at it, she let her clothes pool at her feet and stood naked in front of the floor-length mirror. 

-> continue

[pandalexoxo]

OKAY BEAR WITH ME Y’ALL. I HAVEN’T PLAYED THE GAME SO I’M JUST GOING OFF OF SOME TIRED OLD MAN TROPES.

FRANCIS MOSES x READER

also, i haven’t written down any of my rules, but i don’t have any limits! i’ll write whatever requests people send me! whatever your dark mind can think of will be my pleasure to create!

i don’t mind if you’re not 18+, since, if i ever do make smut i’ll just label it as 18+ and TRUST that 18+ ONLY will read. you all have probably seen, but i’ve just written about my thoughts of different fandoms so far so there’s no 18+ posts YET. (maybe i’ll make this account SFW and do another for NSFW? idk, i normally post on other platforms but randomly decided to give tumblr a try lol)

as a NM/trans man myself, i TRY to keep my readers gender neutral by not really describing the characters features. hard on TRY bc i know the last blurb fic i made of dead plate was Rody x Male Reader lol, oopsies! anywhooo, enjoy~!

WARNINGS! doppleganger mention, possible unconsciousness, possible death, possible unfunny dialogue (bc sometimes i’m the only one who finds me hilarious lmfao), you’re kinda a baddie ngl, you and Francis are besties, Francis is a cat lover?! Francis is a tired old man who hates technology. phone mentioned despite the first wireless phone being made 23 years after the story takes place (use your imagination) uhhh, anything else i forget? comment below!

Francis let out a long sigh of relief, taking his cap off with one hand, using the other to dab away at his sweaty forehead with a handkerchief. Upon seeing the exhausted man, you can’t help but smile softly, shaking your head as you get ready to scold him, once again. You cross your arms, looking at him through the window with a playful disappointed glare.

“mhm mhm, what do we have here? you really should be getting more sleep, mr. milkman, your eyes are starting to sport their own eye bags.”

with this comment, Francis shakes his head but is unable to stop the small, yet tired smile on his face. he bends down to place the crate of milk jugs onto the floor before handing over his ID card. you hum, narrowing your eyes when Francis doesn’t give into your whims. you eye his card, glancing at it a few times before slipping it back to him with a chuckle.

Francis’s eyebrow raises in confusion at your reaction but ends up shaking his head, rolling his eyes playfully and sighing softly. he places his cap back on his head and huffs, deeming your reaction as a go ahead inside.

“now… what if i was a doppelganger? you aren’t even going to call my room to check if someone is there? such a reliable doorman we have.”

despite Francis’s playful tone, your grin slips into a frown as you study Francis from behind the glass. this causes him to tense up, suddenly feeling nervous, like he did something wrong. you hum, tilting your head into your palm as you seemingly analyze Francis for a little while before deciding to speak.

“what’s up brother?”

Francis blinks a few times in surprise, his head tilting in confusion at your question. His eyes narrow as he thinks about the question you asked.

“what’s… up… brother…?”

Francis looks up at the ceiling, taking your question to heart. upon seeing nothing on the ceiling, Francis can only shake his head and sigh at your antics.

“are you done with your tomfoolery, (Y/n)? i’m quite exhausted and would like to go up to my room and rest.”

you can only shake your head, clasping your hands together like a disappointed father getting ready to discuss their kids grades at the dinner table. you begin to explain.

“when Francis first walks in here, he always forgets one of three things… his keys, his hat or the crate of milk. you came in here, although exhausted, you seemed put together, unlike Francis, who is clearly going through a midlife crisis. Francis will then ask me about my cat, well, because he’s a cat person, though he insists no one knows. oh, and, Francis’s home phone has been broken for the past few days and is actually at the store, right now. so, Francis being here so soon, isn’t possible. that, and well, Francis never understands my references, but indulges me anyway… anything else i forgot, doppelganger?”

you bat your eyelashes, smirking from behind the window like you just cracked down the traitor in your group. with each statement, Francis’s doppelgänger’s face becomes visibly more and more angry until the doppelganger begins to completely change: black eyes with white pupils, a wide and eerie black mouth, adorned with long and sharp claws on the end of the doppleganger’s elongated limbs.

“you… you’ll regret this… i will get in one day and get my feast, starting with you. i’ll gut you, keep you alive so you can watch your organs fall out of your body and your blood splatter against-! *CLANK! BAM! PLINK!*”

before the doppelganger could finish his fantasy, much to your amusement, the doppleganger’s body tenses upon being struck before crumpling to the floor after becoming unconscious. you look up from the doppleganger’s body to see the real Francis hovering above the, possibly dead, doppelganger. you shrug, knowing that you wouldn’t have to call DDD services to take care of the mess, now you just have to clean up the body.

“mmm… tuesday… tuesday…? did i get that right?”

you hold back a chuckle at Francis’s response to your last question. you can only nod, letting Francis have the win this time. pinching the bridge of your nose and sighing, a loud laugh bubbles up from your throat as the two of you realized what Francis had hit the doppelganger with.

“ngh… i just bought this phone… damnit… his hard head must have broke it, ah, if i bring it back could i get a… refund…?”

[olderthannetfic]

You've encountered site changes over time as a fan elder, what do you make of Tumblr potentially being put out to pasture? Tumblr was my coming of age fan site, and im looking for advice to transition to the next thing with grace and less bitterness than I feel now.

--

Ahaha. God, you should have heard the howling about LJ. "Fandom is over!" "Never again shall we dwell in fandom's True Home!" etc.

Hell, this endless "only LJ was good" crap turns up in replies here on posts where I as OP have very clearly laid out why that's rose colored glasses nonsense and you can so make friends on tumblr, have a conversation on tumblr, etc.

I had my crabby phase about this during the transition from Yahoo Groups to LJ. A lot of the real olds had it over paper zines and the transition to the internet.

I don't know if reading these hilariously samey old posts would help. It does give perspective, I think.

--

As for what you should do, do what I did with Tumblr:

1.

Look around to identify the Next Thing fandom is going to camp out on.

It may take a few guesses and some time to figure this out. You will likely not be an early adopter. Fandom was well established here by the time I joined at the end of 2010. Of course, by now, all those 2009 and before accounts are long gone, but at the time, I was a n00b joining other people's space despite having been in fandom for ages.

2.

Don't expect to enjoy it

I didn't join tumblr because I liked it. In fact, I despised it. I kept right on despising it until a brief stint in Sherlock fandom, a fandom that was so active here at the time that I was able to finally see the good aspects of the site's structure and features.

This is the mistake a lot of people make. They give things a cursory try, don't enjoy them, and go "not for me", forgetting that the last site also had a steep learning curve that was either difficult or that they didn't notice because they were in a different phase of their life.

Bitterness and grief are, frankly, an inherent part of the process. You can try not to be a debbie downer in your public comments, but you can't just not feel those things during the awkward part of the transition. Sometimes, acting positive and cutting off excessively negative thoughts can make you feel less negative overall, but it doesn't happen immediately.

3.

Accept that feeling cranky and old is both a you problem and a state of mind, not a property of the new site

Relatedly, the way we remember fandom platform X feeling usually has more to do with us being in college with fandom friends down the hall or having discovered Our People for the first time or some other time when we had a lot of energy and positive emotions. Often, we were in the throes of a first or new fandom love too, probably for some megafandom that other people also cared about at the same time.

When fandom is leaving some site, there's a grieving process anyway, but we're also often in a worse part of our lives for starting new things. We're busy. We're tired. We're between fandoms. We feel like we already paid our dues to build up our community. Why should we have to start again?

But let me tell you, you always need to start again eventually. I go to a weekly vidders' zoom chat, and a lot of the people in there are old as balls, including Kandy, the person who invented vidding back in the 70s. She's a lot of decades and a few cancers in, and she had to relearn how to vid on a computer after transitioning from slideshows to VCR vidding back in the day. If bad health, platform changes, and dead friends were going to stop her, she'd be long gone.

It's like sharks: you stop swimming, you die.

This isn't just about fandom, obviously. It's about avoiding a midlife crisis and, later, about avoiding feeling emotionally geriatric even when your body is falling apart.

Change gets us all, but being mentally old is a choice. The real reason I gave tumblr such a try was that I had been so resistant to getting on LJ. I was 20. Even a year later, it was fucking embarrassing to have been a crotchety old hag as a college student. I promised myself I'd soldier through the next change instead of dragging my feet about it. And it totally worked in the end! But boy did it not make the transition any less unpleasant emotionally!

4.

Find your joy

As is obvious from the above, the vast majority of the problem is just emotions. Fandom has been on a million broken sites with shitty features. We go where the people are, regardless of whether it has the technological aspects we liked at the last place. The actual shape of that platform is largely irrelevant.

What does matter is whether we as an individual fan are still excited and happy about something. I was between fandoms recently and went looking around for BL series I hadn't watched yet. People kept suggesting things set in the present day with too-cheesy production values and too many banal schoolboys in modern day settings without even anything spicy going on. I realized that the BL/danmei scene wasn't really cutting it for me and I should go for production values and genre and non-canon ships. You probably scrolled annoyedly past the picspams that resulted.

(Of course, hilariously, someone has now shown me the trailer of Red Peafowl, so someone may be making BL that feels like it's for me after all. Look at all that badwrong and very dark color grading.)

When you're in a good place emotionally, it's a hell of a lot easier to weather any change, and when you have a new fandom, it's a lot easier to connect with other fans.

A lot of people wait around for lightning to strike twice. They found their first fandom by accident, and they expect it to happen seamlessly again. For me, it's far more productive to brute force it: collect up a big list of what's popular or what's new and go through it till you find things you might like, then try them all.

And part of this, obviously, is not waiting for other fans to make the party happen. The more you need to join something other people are already doing, the less choice you'll have in fandoms or in platforms. If you aren't picky and just go where the tropey longfic is, that can work, but even then, favorite authors disappear or go to fandoms you hate and former megafandoms dry up. If you're the one bringing the party, it's a lot easier to find a new fandom or platform or community to have fun in.

[jasperandhenryslovechild]

dude i gen can't stop thinking about how shit everything went for ray throughout henry danger / danger force because JESUS CHRIST IS THAT MAN A WRECK. i love it so much it makes him such a good character but GOD....

like. he's always been a narcissistic, irresponsible, self absorbed man child and he has blatantly ADMITTED IT by the end of hd. but at first? at first it wasn't as bad. like we see in episodes like the indestructible henry 2 parter that ray did have some sense of that this was too dangerous for henry (ie: "youre just a kid! what right do I have to take you around with me and put you in all kinds of dangerous situations?"). we see him be genuinely concerned for his safety and well-being but, at the same time, episodes like tears of a jolly beetle (where ray sends henry to fight crime alone for days after being hired less than like what, 2 weeks ago? maybe a month??) show his negligence and lack of awareness about how this could be affecting henry

as henry grows older and matures more, so do the class of crimes he has to get through— as would be expected, but at the same time, that fact is putting more stress on him and therefore he can't really pursue an education because of being constantly at the man cave right? and ray doesn't see it at all. he doesn't notice a decrease in school stories from henry, etc, because he himself never had to worry about school. he didn't even go and he turned out fine, why wouldn't henry? and as henry grows and matures, ray feels less responsible to take the upper hand and protect the kid because he can protect himself— his responsibility for him dwindles and he finds himself "putting henry through all kinds of dangerous (and irresponsible/lwk stupid) situations" anyway (ex s4 ep 2 henry's birthday, when ray mentions he took like a week off to go ride every rollercoaster in texas but did not let henry take his birthday off, or s5 ep 33 rumblr when ray falls into a sort of depressive episode over not having any new criminals to fight and letting henry & team danger take on the responsibility of pulling him out of it). almost constantly throughout both shows, the kids take care of him rather him take care of them.

and sure, it's genuinely all because of his upbringing. like s1 ep 17, caved in, shows us how neglected ray was as a child. he had a lack of knowledge in things kids did because he never got to be a kid himself due to his forced crime fighting career. he's too into his head to realize that's genuinely the exact same thing he's doing to henry— at a young, fundamental age in his life, he too is pulling a kid out of basic education and fun teen stuff to get him to instead fight crime for him. because of this, he loses the chance at a life beyond it. what seperates him and ray in a way that i don't think ray would ever truly grasp is that, unlike him, henry actually cares about what he's lost. he knows its weight and wants it back. ray never has. ray has never seen a reason to change the way he is because he refuses to pick up any answer dropped in front of him.

when henry ends up quitting (and everyone goes with him) ray loses a support system. he's too fucking fragile to have adult friends beyond schwoz for whatever reason, so the one place he had for people to actually care about him or listen to him was team danger. and now, that duty's passed onto danger force because they're the ones who are gonna have to stick with him now.

and then, at the end of danger force, ray hits his midlife crisis a bit early, marries his ex sidekicks wife that he met like 9 episodes ago, buys a boat, retires, and never comes back. like. WHAT?? without even giving df any proper warning before like what, the 2nd to last episode? are they even trained to handle all this on their own? will they be fine? and like, did you think about anybody outside of yourself before making this choice.

NO!

no, because that's the entire point of him as a character— he is aware, but he is still in denial. he still refuses to change because everything has worked out just fine for him thus far. he's never had a normal life— he's never owned his own house, he's never had a normal job, he's never had anything outside of what his father and the government have molded up for him so he believes that is all he is and can be. retiring is a realization that he can finally sever those ropes and become something like normal, but not quite. retiring is ray manchester's form of closure from all the things his capitan man alter ego have kept him from in the past.

ray, inherently, is not a good or bad character. he does good things, but he is irresponsible with how he goes about it. he cares about people, but above that cares about himself. i think that makes for SUCH a GOOD FUCKING CHARACTER. he is supposed to be this hero character archetype— loving, kind, strong— and while he is all those things, he's also got fundamental flaws that he cannot see or change that set him apart from that. he wrecked the lives of his sidekicks because he didn't have a concept of what should and shouldn't take priority when it came down to training them. when he had to take responsibility for how they turned out because of it, either they fled or he did. he always ran or found a way out of having to think about the affects of his actions— and that's probably most likely kept him up at night.

like jesus christ his character evolution is less of an evolution and more of a devolution/j

but that's what i LOVE about him. ray is not normal and never will be! #! #!

thank you for coming to that unexpectedly long rant i only expected to write like 2 paragraphs and then i just kept going

[possessedopossum]

Veilguard gave me brain worms and I'm back on my bs. This is older Hawke and Anders who moved to Rivain bc I thought I should give Isaac midlife crisis. And also bc he should see Isabela again as a treat.

Isaac tried his best to settle in Ferelden after the mage templar war cooled down but it just didn't work out for him. First Varric summons him to Skyhold and then later he gets restless anyway since Ferelden feels Wrong. What is the point of staying in Ferelden, if there is no Carver, Bethany, Leandra or Malcolm?

Isaac always felt like he doesn't belong anywhere. Too rivaini to blend in in Ferelden, too ferelden to blend in in Kirkwall. Too much of a kirkwaller to go back to Ferelden. There were too many ghosts to handle, he desperately needed a fresh start.

"Fugitives together", Anders said. Luckily, Isaac grew up on the road. He stops resisting the urge to move again. This time it's not because of the Chantry. It's for himself and no one else.

Rivain is nice and far away from everything Isaac doesn't want to think about. He works as a bartender and grows oranges. No one here except for Isabela knows who he is. Anders and Justice feel better too, it's refreshing to see ordinary people being so positive about spirits and possession. Their daughter, Leandra, trains as a spirit seer.

Isaac might or might not have used blood magic to kick rowdy clients out of his bar. He doesn't dress very rivaini and his speech gives him away. He might or might not have pulled the "let's join a dangerous expedition to earn some gold" again, with the lords of fortune this time. Anders might or might not have patched Isabela's ass up more than once. There are letters on Isaac's desk, about the no longer broken eluvian and the wonders of Arlathan. And a single griffon feather. He escapes from his old life only for it to seep in through the little cracks and find him again and again. He doesn't mind.

[kairiscorner]

omg I LOVED your Drunk Miguel hcs! Is there any chance of you writing some for the other Spdier people? Especially Spider Noir?

AAAAA SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT ANON ! and ofc, consider it done <333

when drunk noir :>

drunk noir headcanons

ok, the stages in which noir get drunk are: slightly drunk, giggly, undergoing a midlife crisis, lovesick, and sleepy

the slightly sober stage is the stage when noir should really stop drinking. i headcanon that it doesn't take him long to get drunk, like maybe... 3 to 4 shots, and he's entering the slightly drunk stage. he kinda dissociates when he's in this stage, like miguel in the drunk miggy headcanons, he kinda goes quiet and speaks only when spoken to, but it's a whole lotta gibberish that comes out of his mouth instead of coherent words. he'd look like he's staring into space, when actually he's just focusing on how fuzzy the world looks like right now as the liquor is settling in. past this point, you are now entering the harder than manageable peter parker drunk.

his giggly stage is when he's had a couple more than 3 to 4 shots, and he laughs his ass off at the most out of context shit ever. like he sees a little fly on the table and he just chuckles to himself because the liquor is making him think, "oh shit, what a funny fly, it's not purple." and when he's told a joke he laughs THE FUCK out of it, even minutes after the joke was said, he's still laughing about it to the point of tears. if he remembers the joke, he'll laugh about it randomly and not explain at all because he forgets soon after what he was laughing at, like, "wait, haha, why am i, hah, laughing again?" his smile when he's drunk is so fucking precious though

after the laughing fit, he enters the depressing midlife crisis stage. he rambles and mumbles a lot to himself about how shitty his life has been, how he wishes uncle benjamin wasn't... you know, how he really regrets being distant and aloof towards a lot of people he's loved in his life and how he can never catch a break with all the horribleness in his life. he cries during this stage, but it's a quiet kind of crying. like he sniffles a little but when he cries, by default, he isn't loud. he must've learned how to cry without attracting so much attention, because it's only when you pay attention to the right details, his eyes, his nose turning red, his lips quivering, and the small sounds he makes when sobbing that you realize he was crying this whole time.

but after sobbing for a little while, if he's still drinking, his hormones change from the sad and depressing ones to the "i need to be held and to hold someone right now" hormones in the lovesick stage. if you're really close to peter, he'd kinda get a little handsy and talkative, still stuttering gibberish. he'd just go on and on and on about how purple is a pretty color but every color on you is by far the prettiest colors he has ever and will ever witness. he incessantly asks if he can hold your hand or hug you, he just wants to feel your warmth because the alcohol makes him feel colder. when you agree to hug him, omg, you are never going to be let go by him, i swear. like MAN HAS A TIGHT GRIP, EVEN WHEN DRUNK. but he holds you with the intent of making you feel loved, not pained nor burdened, just a gentle reminder he loves you. he gets a little giggly here too, but that's only because he's so happy he's with you right now and you didn't reject him, 'cause if you did, he'd be back in the midlife crisis stage.

and finally, the last stage of them all, when he gets sleepy. nothing much happens in this stage, save for peter just slowly getting tired and just drifting off to sleep, letting the alcohol in his system take him away to dreamland. but his favorite place to sleep is against your shoulder, nothing's more comforting to him than to feel you close next to him as he sleeps, knowing you're there for him for whatever happens while he's knocked out due to his inebriated self.

a/n: sorry i had to give him angst... it's my instinct <:[

tags !! @thecoolerdor @miguelswifey04 @connors-cumslurper

[dfastback68]

Dude at yoga tonight had half his head shaved like King, so fuck it, modern AU kataking:

Let’s also say this is midlife crisis Alber. Maybe he’s had a falling out with Kaido, maybe Kaido keeled over of a heart attack or something, who knows. Alber is trying to figure out what the rest of his life looks like after 47 years old. He’s done karate or kendo or something his entire life, but he needs to try something new. So, he gives yoga a shot. He gets into it. He REALLY gets into, and next thing he knows he’s leading a few classes a week at his fav studio. He’s not sure if his life is fixed yet, but he sure feels better.

The studio likes to do combo or outreach classes. Maybe they host tai chi, or partner with the senior center, and offer low pressure, fun classes for working parents and their kids. Alber usually does intermediate or ‘serious’ classes. People like his style but he’s not the nicest yogi in the building. 

One night one of the other instructors is in a bit of a panic. She was supposed to lead tonight’s class for a group from another local gym, but something came up with her kid and she has to leave. Alber agrees to host in her place. How bad can it be?

It’s not just any gym group: it’s the broiest bros from an MMA group, the least flexible meatheads this city has to offer. The class is probably a joke to them, a team building or bonding opportunity where they might learn something new to incorporate into their exercise routine. It’s probably funnier when the class is led by an instructor that’s the stereotypical woman of ninety pounds of wispy muscle. They don’t quite know what to make of Alber.

Alber does his best to keep them on task, but the dudes are having fun giving each other shit when they can’t make a pose. Even if he keeps it simple. Some of them are more flexible than others, so he assumes thsoe ones actually give a shit about their exercise routine beyond bulking up. He does have to admit it is funny when one of them topples over or elbows their neighbor. They’re not suited for this, but he supposes he’ll give them points for trying.

There is one guy, though, at the back of the class, that’s been quiet and mindful the entire time. He also seems to know what the poses are before Alber explains them, and he can stretch farther than anyone else. He’s got bright hair and a black mask covering his face; it’s flu season, so that makes sense. He seems friendly enough with the others, but otherwise focuses on the practice.

Their eyes meet a few times over the course of the hour, and there’s a quiet intensity to the man that Alber finds very attractive. 

By the time the class ends, most of the dudes are complaining about being sore where they didn’t know they could be sore. Alber takes that as a win, because now they’ve learned some begrudging respect for yoga. They thank him for the class and the workout, and one by one they leave. The quiet, intense man lingers.

“You’ve done yoga before,” Alber says.

The man nods. “My sister used to drag me with her, but she moved away a few years ago and I stopped. I should get back into it.”

“You have good form. And balance.”

“Thanks,” the man says, then sticks out his hand. “I’m Katakuri.”

“Alber,” he responds, and tries very hard not to melt at how firm Katakuri’s grip is. Katakuri’s definitely got the body of a fighter, and Alber gets momentarily distracted by the way his shirt strains around his biceps. “I usually lead the evening intermediate classes. If you’re interested.”

“Yeah,” Katakuri says, tone soft, then he straightens: “I mean, yes. Definitely. Are you –”

“Katakuri!” someone’s voice booms from outside the studio. Two of the other dudes wedge into the doorframe. “We’re waiting on you, let’s go!”

“‘C’mon man, flirt with the yoga guy later, we’re gonna be late.”

Katakuri’s face turns beet red behind the face mask. His friends laugh to themselves as they head back out. 

Alber smiles, as best he can. “I don’t want you to miss your ride. But you’re welcome back any time.”

Katakuri thanks him again, bids him goodnight, and then hurries out after his friends. 

Really, Alber would find it more endearing if he didn’t know how screwed he was, too. Because he really should have gotten that man’s number before letting him leave.

[lumiolivier]

Midlife Crisis

Day 14 of 31 of Kinktober

Prompt: Age Difference

Word count: 558

L's starting to feel his age...Especially next to his much younger boyfriend.

“Ow…” L had certainly been feeling it lately.  He knew he couldn’t move much from his usual sitting position.  That meant losing some of his mental capacity.  But after sitting in the same position for hours on end, day in and day out for years, his body started to feel it.  L never had the feeling that he was old.  Ever.  But he looked over at Light.

“You ok, Ryuzaki?” Light, who was still in the prime of his life.  Light, who still had his youth on his side.  Light, who had so much to learn about the world yet.  Something about that hit L in a place he didn’t even think existed within him.  And yet, he knew it was inevitable.  He heard people talk about it a million times over.  But he didn’t think it would happen to him. 

“Just a little sore,” L admitted, not sharing his reasoning.

“Poor baby,” Light teased him a bit. 

“I’m not a baby, Light,” L rolled his eyes.  No.  That passed a long time ago.

“Well, it’s getting late,” Light pointed out, “You want to go upstairs?”

“No,” L pushed through his pain and tiredness and kept at it, “I’ll be fine.”

“No,” Light knew better, though.  Sure, he may have still had his youth on his side, but that didn’t mean he was entirely ignorant to the way the world worked.  Or, at the very least, how L worked, “If you stay here any longer, you’re going to turn into a raging pain in the ass.”

“No, you will,” L brushed him off, “I’ll be fine.”

“You’re already proving me right,” Light took L’s hand, “Seriously, what the hell?”

“It’s nothing,” L kept his secrets, “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Light helped L up from his chair, only hammering in L’s suspicions, “Come on…We’re going upstairs.”

“Why?” L scoffed under his breath, “So, you can turn on an episode of Matlock, give me my pudding, and put me to bed at 7:30?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Light stopped him in the middle of the stairs, “Hold on.  Is that what this is all about?”

“What?” L played it off like it was nothing.  Like he kept his mouth shut.  But they both knew better.

“L…”

“What?” L argued, “I didn’t say anything.”

“And now, you’re gaslighting me,” Light sighed out, “Wonderful.  Are you seriously hitting a midlife crisis on me right now?”

“You realize there’s a decade between us, right?” L pointed out, “You realize that, statistically speaking, I’m more likely to die before you than you before me?”

“And?” Light took L’s hand, “That doesn’t matter.  That’s a number.  As long as it’s above legal adulthood and both parties are consenting, it’s nothing.  And you know that’s never bothered me.”

“That’s because you idolize your father and he put you on a pedestal when you came out of the womb,” L leaned against the railing.

“No,” Light wrapped his arms around L’s waist, gently nipping at his neck, “It’s because I still love you, no matter what.  You’re still you.  Now, if you’re good enough to climb the rest of the stairs, I’d be more than happy to show you just how many good years you still have left in you…Without you having to impulsively buy a sports car…”

“Oh, gee,” L swooned a bit, “Light, that would be swell.”

[punch-love]

Could you give us some of your fic recs as well? 🙏🏼

I've been waiting for this ask. * is for all time favorites.

Classics/Required Reading:

Between Apollo and Arachne. / He is Soundless From Afar. / Blood Sickness. by elastic honey (infernoconcealed)

I got into this fandom specifically because of this author. I think all of their work is incredible but, these three are my favorites and also the first bookmarks I ever made. I like the ways they explore their dynamic, and they often explore darker scenarios between the two of them with a lot of heart and nuance.

How To Get Physical by Wilt

I like their writing as much as I like their art, but this one in particular is a consistent re-read for me. It's a trans Peter written by a clearly trans writer, and it's soft and kind and good-hearted in a way that really, really sells the history between them.

Up to the Sun (Full Speed Ahead, Mr. Parker) by SleepsWithCoyotes

The first AU I really enjoyed and also one of the best. Eldritch horror Wade that goes from a massive tentacle creature to an off-putting mercenary that gets attached to Spider-Man. It's great. The whole verse is great.

for the wrong reasons by orphan_account

This is one of my favorite Wade character studies of all time. He gets hit with a truth serum and ends up at Peter's apartment. It's sad and complicated and perfect, and I've read it more than a few times.

gunpowder and firewood / steel and flint * by periodically_puzzled

This is forever one of my favorites. It's the best first-person POV in the fandom hands down and is just so fucking good. It's got everything, idenity porn, grindr, complicated explorations of emotional manipulation, bromance, and it's so very funny.

Snake Oil by BunsofHoney

This was so good that my writing group chat temporarily re-named our chat after it. Peter is a preacher and Wade is a possessed snake oil salesman. It's very good, and also you will learn something about the 20s as it is immensely well researched.

Blazed (Smoking Weed is Gay) * by GreendaleHumanBeing

This is one of my all-time favorites. Peter is coping with his midlife crisis by being a huge stoner, and Wade has mellowed out and joins him for long smoke sessions. It's very slice of life, intimate, slow burn friends to lovers. It's one of those reads that just feels really, really good and relatable.

Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) by Sarah_Sandwich

A soulmate/slice of life work that really will make you feel something profound by the end of it. I read this one at four in the morning and didn't sleep until I was finished with it. It made me feel something big.

Dog Years by androgynousdouche

This is the only unfinished work on this list but man, is it a hidden treasure. They really build a foundation for the relationship and the intimacy between these two is so....it's really good. I wish it was finished, but even though it's not, I still think it's worth the read.

Porn:

Tip of the Tongue * by TimidTurnip

I think this is probably the work I go back and re-read the most. It's got everything. Peter Parker's insane oral fixation, his inability to come to terms with his own bi-sexuality, homies who are mean to each other dynamics, and worship based blow jobs. It's great. You should read it.

i could show you and stop (don't stop) by jilliancares

I think this is probably two of the most infamous smut works in the fandom but they both really, really deserve the hype. The first is the eating out fic of all time specifically for me but also for a lot of other people and the second is my favorite situational porn.

Meeting Minutes */ Pitter Patter by WhoopsOK

These are hands down the best watersports fics in the entire fandom. I've read the entire tag, I would know. The first has Peter being hit by a truth serum and telling his fantasies to Wade who intentionally does not sleep with him, and it's hot and good dynamic wise. The second is just a very hot scenario where Peter pisses in Wade's mouth while he works behind the counter. Great stuff.

a luxury few can afford by three-fingered (calciseptine)

I love the way this author writes them so much. It's fun and fresh and so good at building up some good old-fashioned tension. It also has some great character study moments inbetween blow jobs (my beloved)

Fucked Up Shit:

she's not going to die today / Songs for the Zombie Apocalypse / Need You Like A Gun To The Head * by (zerospoons_onlyknives)oprime

I also consider these classics/required reading but they are all very dark and go places that fans of the classic dynamic might be surprised by. SNGTDT is the best and darkest soulmate AU you'll ever read. SftZA is not only an incredible zombie AU but also one of my personal favorite pieces of zombie fiction period. NYLaGttH is one of my favorite smut fics of all time and one I often re-read (the title should be taken literally)

twisted, baby by jilliancares

The Peter "adrenaline kink" Parker work. It's dubious and intimate and exhilarating in a way that never gets old.

tap out whenever by periodically_puzzled

also known as "the fic that triggers me so bad that I've never commented on it despite reading it eight times" this is like. One of the darkest works in the fandom, hands down and if you can relate at all with the content, will put you in some sort of headspace. It's excellent. It's horrifying.

Because You're Mine *- WaterMe

I absolutely love this one. It's a sex-pollen turned non-con work that is very dark (mind the tags) but if you want to go there, this is the place to go. I always come back to it and find something new to appreciate. Also the only second person work I've ever enjoyed/felt affected by in the way I think second person is supposed to do. (honorary mention by this author: their Arbor day fic)

Sinking by coveryourheads

This one is hard to describe, but if you're interested in some really nuanced work on sexuality, this one will sit with you for a while. Peter and Wade are in an intense D/s relationship that is both abstract and personal in ways I've never really read about before.

[cousmemes]

dialogue starters from VARIOUS DOCTOR WHO SPECIALS. feel free to edit for context / continues under the cut.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you know, I've never met anyone who wasn't important before."

"Whatever happens tonight, remember you brought it on yourself."

"Don't treat me like an idiot."

"Sorry, I didn't realise I was boring you."

"What's happened? What are you not telling me?"

"I don't care. I'm not like you. I don't even want to be like you. I don't and never, ever will care."

"Give me your hand and come to me."

"Everything has got to end some time, otherwise nothing would ever get started."

"I don't need anyone else."

"That wasn't there a second ago. It just appeared, from nowhere."

"What's wrong with silly?"

"Where are you going? I thought we were just getting acquainted."

"How refreshing to see you taking an interest again."

"Don't worry. No one's going to hurt you."

"Don't try to run away. Stay where you are."

"Why would I run? I know what's going to happen next and it's funny."

"What's wrong with dangerous?"

"I'm begging you. I'm on my knees."

"Children are not really my area of expertise."

"Yes? What? I'm trying to read."

"This isn't the sort of thing I do anymore."

"You missed this, didn't you?"

"Do I always have to state the obvious?"

"Blimey, you really know how to sulk, don't you?"

"Well, for your information, I'm not sweet on the inside."

"I don't know why I'm crying."

"Remember this. This right now, remember all of it. Because this is the day. This is the day. This is the day everything begins."

"What is the point of blaming yourself?"

"Will you come away with me?"

"Don't you think, after all this time and everything I've ever done, that I am owed this one?"

"We saved the world, you and me. We really, really did."

"Next time, would it kill you to knock?"

"What's our cover story for this?"

"Am I having a midlife crisis?"

"You don't seem to be kneeling. How tremendously brave of you."

"Is something funny? Did I miss a funny thing?"

"Oh, goodness, you're not actually dead. Oh, that's tremendous news."

"Emergency! You're my boyfriend."

"No, stop, stop, don't move. Don't do anything."

"There you are. What took you so long?"

"You didn't even say goodbye!"

"Why did you send me away?"

"Everyone gets stuck somewhere eventually. Everything ends."

"Why didn't you call me? I could have helped."

"Oh. I died. It's funny, the things that slip your mind."

"He just looked so beautiful standing there. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted nothing to change ever again."

"Don't hug me so tight. You'll break something."

"Were you always so young?"

"You're going to stay here. Promise me you will."

"It's started. I can't stop it now."

"It all just disappears, doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment, like breath on a mirror."

"We all change, when you think about it. We're all different people all through our lives."

"I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear."

"Stay calm. Just one question. Do you happen to know how to fly this thing?"

"Talk to me. I never thought I was going to see you again."

"Don't make me think about them!"

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that."

"Who are you? Why are you dressed like that?"

"We never stood a chance. How did we survive that?"

"Seriously? You're trying to help?"

"Well, that's not a very nice attitude, is it?"

"You're always talking like you're so clever, going on and on. So tell me what to do!"

"You're always such a downer."

"I'm sorry. I was stupid. I should have come back earlier. I wish that I had."

"No. It isn't all over. It's far from being all over."

"I knew it. I knew you couldn't be dead."

"That is - That is not happening. That's totally not happening. Agreed?"

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Why am I wearing these?"

"Quite beautiful, really, isn't she?"

"Can we just pretend that that never happened? Can we just never, ever talk about this again?"

"I hope we talk about it loads. I hope we spend years laughing about it."

"I'm afraid. Very, very afraid. I don't normally admit that to anyone else."

"You're a bit of a legend these days."

"Well, that would be a nice story, wouldn't it?"

"The real world is not a fairytale."

"I'm so tired of losing people."

"How was this our fault?"

"I think I'm ready now. But I should like to know - are you?"

"Whatever you decide, good luck."

"Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?"

"Thank you. Thank you for everything that you were to me."

"You wait a moment. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you."

"Laugh hard, run fast, be kind."

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I quickly scanned twitter some minutes ago and the fights I saw between PJMs, other solos and ARMYs looked exactly like practically every fight I've seen before. There's no take to be given.

"There's no take to be given?"

Bpp I know you have some juicy takes you've got to give us more than that after so long 😭

***

Have you ever been to a house party (hosted by a friend of a friend of a friend) that's gone off the rails? At this party the host is a lovely, well-coiffed white woman in her early 40s, with roughly a liter of prosecco and two burger sliders sloshing around in her yoga-toned belly. She's a bit pink in the face talking a bit too loudly about that one time she and her partner visited a scat fetish club in Venice.

Her partner is visibly mortified, there's a handful of nervous giggles here and there from the other hostages around the table. The unspoken rule in these sorts of situations is to appear too 'cosmopolitan' and 'edgy' to be truly shocked or put-off by anything mentioned. Kink shaming is the biggest faux pas at events like this. After all, everyone in that room is struggling with their own midlife crisis one way or the other. If this lovely lady's preferred fix is to gratify a poop kink and recount it in painful detail to strangers in her home, then who is anyone to say otherwise?

Even if at the end of the day, this woman clearly has some issues or is at the very least, an idiot. A rich, well-coiffed and somewhat pleasant idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

The kink itself isn't necessarily the problem. We've all got kinks in a sense and it could be vanilla or illegal. It's just that some people, for some reason, can't be normal about it. They gratify in it, obsess about it, take it to the extreme and pollute public-use spaces with it.

That's what it feels like to be in k-pop spaces sometimes. Thousands of people who really ought to know better, gratifying in their kink to obsess over k-pop idols to the extreme and to call out frankly insane behaviour in those spaces is to kink-shame, essentially. Nobody re-thinks their behaviour much less considers stopping it. These people are too far gone. The only thing to do is chuckle politely if you can stomach it or ignore them entirely. Anything more is wasted effort.

Like I said, there's no take to be given.

[kay-lalala]

PJOTV Episode 5 - I'm sorry but WHAT DID THEY DO TO ARES???

Like... what is this.

They took away his looks, his character, AND his power.

Let me quote the book.

"All conversation in the diner stopped. The motorcycle's headlight glared red. Its gas tank had flames painted on it, and a shotgun holster riveted to either side, complete with shotguns. The seat was leather – but leather that looked like... well, Caucasian human skin."

Really? Not even flames on the bike? No guns (thanks Disney), no human skin leather (thanks Disney).

"The guy on the bike would've made pro wrestlers run for Mama. He was dressed in a red muscle shirt and black jeans and a black leather duster, with a hunting knife strapped to his thigh. He wore red wraparound shades, and he had the cruelest, most brutal face I’d ever seen – handsome, I guess, but wicked – with an oily black crewcut and cheeks that were scarred from many, many fights.“

Yeah...no. “Ares” looks like a random unwashed guy that got kicked out of his unsuccessful Norwegian metal band and is now traveling the country to find himself during his midlife crisis. No knife, not even small details like the red shirt or black jeans. And the sunglasses are entirely unimportant? Also no scars (thanks Disney? I guess?). I’m sorry but NOTHING about him is cool or intimidating.

“As he walked into the diner, a hot, dry wind blew through the place. All the people rose, as if they were hypnotized, but the biker waved his hand dismissively and they all sat down again. Everybody went back to their conversations. The waitress blinked, as if somebody had just pressed the rewind button on her brain. She asked us again, ‘You kids have money to pay for it?’”

Ares is a GOD. He is powerful as shit. WHY IS THE SHOW NOT SHOWING THAT? Instead he is just sitting around on Twitter (Just like with the Fortnite dance. Why are you trying to drag current pop culture stuff into the story?). Give this guy an awesome entrance. For fucks sake, let SOMEONE in this show be intimidating for once. His only power is snapping his fingers to open a door? Lame.

“The biker said, ‘It’s on me.’ He slid into our booth, which was way too small for him, and crowded Annabeth against the window. He looked at the waitress, who was gaping at him, and said, ‘Are you still here?’ He pointed at her, and she stiffened. She turned as if she’d been spun around, then marched back towards the kitchen.”

Ares is an asshole. Let him be a fucking asshole. He doesn’t care about personal space, he doesn’t care about humans, he pushes them around however he wants. Again, he is a God, he is powerful, and he uses his powers however he wants.

“The biker looked at me. I couldn’t see his eyes behind the red shades, but bad feelings started boiling in my stomach. Anger, resentment, bitterness. I wanted to hit a wall. I wanted to pick a fight with somebody. Who did this guy think he was?”

AGAIN, please show Ares’ powers. He makes people angry just by being around them. Even the musical did this better.

“[…] I wanted to rip this guy’s head off. ‘What’s it to you?’ Annabeth’s eyes flashed me a warning. ‘Percy, this is-’ The biker raised his hand. ‘S’okay,’ he said. ‘I don’t mind a little attitude. Long as you remember who’s the boss. You know who I am, little cousin?’ Then it struck me why this guy looked so familiar. […] ‘You’re Clarisse’s dad,’ I said. ‘Ares, god of war.’”

Where is Ares’ power please I AM CRYING. Also Ares is COOL. He’s laid-back, he’s confident, because these kids are not a threat to him. Instead, in the show, he just drives by and stops, starts exposition-dumping, and drives off to the diner. He is missing his character voice, he is missing the powerful entrance, he is missing HIS POWERS. But show Ares sits in the diner, laughing at Twitter on his phone like some loser.

“Ares grinned and took off his shades. Where his eyes should've been, there was only fire, empty sockets glowing with miniature nuclear explosions.”

NO BECAUSE WHERE THE FUCK WAS THAT????????? ‘Your quest is going to fail. Ask me how I know’ HE DOESN’T TALK LIKE THAT. Also why is Annabeth provoking Ares… She’s literally the one smart enough to not do that.

“That’s right, punk. I heard you broke Clarisse’s spear.’ ‘She was asking for it.’ ‘Probably. That’s cool. I don’t fight my kids’ fights, you know? What I’m here for – I heard you were in town. I got a little proposition for you-’ The waitress came back with heaping trays of food […]. Ares handed her a few gold drachmas. She looked nervously at the coins. ‘But, these aren’t…’ Ares pulled out his huge knife and started cleaning his fingernails. ‘Problem, sweetheart?’”

I love this. It shows how Ares is disconnected from the human world, how he doesn’t give a shit, how he threatens people so casually to get his way. How humans mean nothing to him. But this show just LOVES to tell instead of show. Literally these people do not stop talking ever. Ares in the show is like blah blah blah Zeus send his kids to look for the bolt, they will go to war ‘You’re new to the family, young one, so let me fill you in on how we work.’ AND HE TELLS THEM THE STORY OF HOW KRONOS ATE HIS KIDS? STOP? EXPOSITION DUMPING? WHO IS WRITING THIS DIALOGUE??? WHY IS HE BEEFING WITH ANNABETH???

“’Why don’t you go back and get it yourself?’ The fire in his sockets glowed a little hotter. ‘Why don’t I turn you into a prairie dog and run you over with my Harley? Because I don’t feel like it. A god is giving you an opportunity to prove yourself, Percy Jackson.’”

[…] Ares’s fiery eyes made me see things I didn’t want to see – blood and smoke and corpses on the battlefield. “

...Thanks Disney. Please, why does he go off on Annabeth. In the book, Percy doesn’t care about the threats, he rejects the ride west at first, even after Ares mentions his mom he still antagonizes him. And then he just disappears. That’s cool. In the show Ares acts immediately offended, threatens to kill them and Percy immediately agrees. You remember how in the show he didn't agree to go on the quest at first even though the entire world was at stake? Yeah.

So not only does Percy not at all fight and resist Ares, but Annabeth does even though she warns Percy in the book, because she figured him out and would not argue with the literal God of War. She literally said ‘That was not smart, Percy.’ when Percy argues with Ares. None of that in the show.

I’m done with the show. It is a lazy, unimaginative, unfaithful, unserious, passionless, Disneyfied, detail-less adaptation that had me pause the episode several times because I was just baffled. Crowley from Good Omens looks more like I imagined Ares than the show’s Ares.

I won’t even start right now about how they cut out the Iris Message scene, how Ares is the one who told Percy about his mother, or how Grover just gets left behind in the show even though he saves Percy and Annabeth in the waterpark, How they just immediately know it’s Hephaestus in the show (because god forbids it takes them longer than two seconds to figure something out), they didn’t get fresh silly waterpark clothes, no Aphrodite’s scarf, no spiders (that’s literally important to Annabeth’s character? But no way she can be afraid. Let her argue with Ares instead.) no “live to Olympus in one minute”, no “When I say go.” “No! When I say go!” “What?” “Simple physics! Force times the trajectory angle-”, no Grover saving them, no “Shows over! Thank you! Goodnight!”

Instead… Ares hangs out with Grover and proceeds to be the exact opposite of cool and powerful, Percy gets stuck in the waterpark door in a completely pointless scene, more exposition about Hephaestus’ story, the chair thing that captured Percy (why? Ares or Aphrodite would not sit down on that Ares knew it’s a trap. They know the story of the chair. So does Hephaestus want to kill any random person that comes around or what?), “It can’t be undone” and undoes it two minutes later, Annabeth saving Percy not with her intelligence but by having a therapy monologue with Hephaestus, and talking, talking, talking. This show seems to be allergic to action scenes.

“Well. This smells.” → Continues to have no physical reaction or be otherwise fazed by the smell. We love tell don’t show here. <3

They cut stuff and put useless stuff in instead, continue to butcher characters and censor everything. It’s not a good adaptation and it’s not a good show. It’s not horrible, just a 5/10 for me at max. And it’s frustrating to see them not care about the details (so many details that wouldn’t even need extra time. Just extra effort) and the characters. They change things that just fuck up the logic of the entire story later.

What I liked about the episode:

They showed that Gabe is on TV and Percy is missing. Finally. Seaweed Brain. Also finally.

I also hope Grover is wrong about knowing who stole the master bolt because if that ruins the final reveal???????? Huh???

Also please leave me aloneeeeeeeeeeee lin manuel mirandaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa why is he everywhereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee