#Stephen Holder/Sarah Linden | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all · 2 years ago

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Someone Always Gets Hurt

Fandom: The Killing, Stephen Holder

Summary: It was only supposed to be a friends-with-benefits arrangement between you and Holder, but when one of you develops real feelings, things get complicated.

Word Count: 4591

TW: Friends with Benefits (FWB), mention of domestic abuse, mentions of drugs and addiction

You thought it was the perfect arrangement. You thought no one would get hurt. You should have known better. Because in these situations, someone always gets hurt.

When Holder had first suggested a friends with benefits arrangement, you thought he was joking. The two of you had been partners back when he was part of the Narcotics Department. You were the one who discovered he had gotten hooked on meth and helped him as he struggled to get clean. And even once he was promoted to the Homicide Division, you still remained close friends, best friends. But you had never imagined taking your relationship to a physical level. However, as Holder pointed out, neither one of you had time for a real relationship at the moment and sometimes you just needed someone to help you take the edge off.

So, one thing led to another and soon the once-in-a-blue-moon rendezvouses turned into a once, if not twice, a week occurrence. Sometimes you would meet at his place, sometimes at yours. A few times, you even snuck into his office when he was working late. Linden had walked in once, and you hadn’t been able to face her for weeks.

But once things started up, you couldn’t get enough. You were astonished by how amazing your ex-partner could make you feel in bed. Holder had never been what you would call conventionally handsome or good with the ladies. He tried, but when you had watched his attempts to win over women in the past, you always found his flirtations a bit cringy. Yet the second you were alone, a different side of Holder came out. He was still goofy and playful, but most of his bravado fell away and you saw the vulnerable, sweet man underneath. And his entire goal in the bedroom was to make you feel good. You had never been with a man who cared so much for your pleasure even over his. It was an intoxicating experience that the two of you continued to share over and over and over again.

And for almost six months, everything seemed perfect until one night Holder slipped up. You figured he had probably been hiding the truth for a while but for some reason, that night, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. As you were drifting off to sleep after an exhausting night of debauchery, you felt Holder snuggle up closer to you. This wasn’t out of the ordinary as Holder loved to spoon afterwards, however this embrace felt different than normal. Then, he leaned over until his lips brushed against your ear, and he softly whispered, “I love you.”

Your heart dropped out of your chest as your stomach churned. Everyone had warned you this would happen, that someone would get hurt, but you had thought, this was Holder! You never imagined he could feel that way, not about you. Slowly, you sat up and he backed away, eyes widening as he realized you were still awake.

Looking at him sadly, you started, “Holder-”

“No, no! I didn’t mean it! I was just tired. I didn’t know what I was sayin’!”

“Holder, we talked about this. This was just supposed to be a bit of fun. A way to relieve some stress. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a great guy-” Holder groaned and buried his head in his hands “-but this was never supposed to go past that. And if it has-”

“Please, please don’t say that. Shit, I’m sorry. It just…just slipped out. Come on, mama, you know it ain’t like that.”

“Holder,” you sighed as scooted off the bed and began throwing on your clothes. “I know you. And you wouldn’t have said it unless you really meant it. So, I need to just go right now, and we can talk about it later.” You headed for the bedroom door.

Holder jumped out of bed and hurriedly pulled on his boxers, almost toppling over as he hopped around, struggling to get one of his feet through the leg hole. “Wait, don’t do this. You know what we got is good. Come on! Gimme another chance!” He practically stumbled into you as you searched for your bag.

“I can’t do this-”

“Yes, you can, you just have ta try-”

You spied your bag buried in the couch. You snatched it up and headed to the front door. “You don’t understand, it’s not just-”

“Come back to bed and we’ll talk-”

“I’m seeing someone else!”

The words flew from your lips before you could stop them. Holder froze, his hand still clutched around your arm where he had been trying to coax you back to the bedroom and away from the front door that you had just opened. His face flashed a million different emotions at once as he tried to comprehend what you had just said. Finally, he mustered a single, “What?”

“I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner, but I started seeing this guy I met.”

“How long?”

“….A little over a month.” When you saw the shock in his eyes, you tried to explain further. “We’ve just been on a few dates. We’re not exclusive or anything and we haven’t even slept together yet!”

Holder’s face crumpled into a mass of pain and betrayal. “So, that’s what this is? You been comin’ here the last few weeks, sleepin’ with me and the whole time, you’re thinkin’ of him?”

“No, that’s not-”

“He gets you all hot an’ bothered and I’m just the fix?”

“No! Never, it’s not like that! It’s just…I don’t have the same feelings for you that you do for me. If I would have known, I would have ended this a lot sooner. It was just supposed to be some uncomplicated fun. I’m so sorry.”

“Get out.” The words were icy and detached. Holder had never once spoken to you like that in all the years you knew each other and it shook you to your core.

“Stephen…. please.”

“I said get the fuck out!” He roared, a fire now lit in his eyes as he shoved your bag into your arms, causing you to stumble backwards out his open front door. Before you could try to think of anything that could make the situation better, he slammed the door in your face. As you stood there uncertain of what to do, you could hear him hurling his things violently on the other side of the door, tearing apart his peaceful dojo, his sanctuary of light he had created for himself. Destroying the one place he had felt safe since getting clean. And it was all your fault.

You knew as soon as you started seeing Glenn you should have told Holder the truth. But for some reason, you had always found some excuse not to. This time will be the last I will sleep with him. Or maybe just one more time after this. But now, everything was broken, and you weren’t sure if it could ever be fixed.

A week later, you finally got up the courage to go see Holder. Nothing had changed, you were still seeing Glenn, but you wanted to clear the air. You had tried calling him every day, always leaving long, apologetic messages begging him to call you back. But he never did. You had even tried driving by the station multiple times, but his car was never there. So, this was your last resort. Even though you didn’t love Holder in a romantic way, he had been your partner for years and a close friend for even longer. You didn’t want to lose him from your life no matter how much begging and groveling it took.

You walked to the door you had approached hundreds of times before, but this time you hesitated. You still weren’t quite sure what you were going to say to him, or if he would even let you in, but you had to try. So after timidly knocking on the door, you waited for the unknown. As you heard the lock turning, you braced yourself for his anger or his pain, but you were met with neither. Instead, you were greeted by an elderly Hispanic woman about your height.

She looked at you politely yet slightly confused. “Yes? May I help you?”

“Uh…. I’m looking for Stephen Holder? He lives here?”

The woman shook her head with a smile. “Oh, I’m sorry, but he moved out a few days ago. This is my apartment now.”

It felt as if all the wind had been forcefully sucked from your lungs. Holder was gone? ….Because of me? But no, this couldn’t be happening. He had his job, his NA meetings, hell, there was no way he would leave Liz and Davie! But the proof was right in front of you. Peering slightly around the woman, you could see everything in the apartment was different. The ratty old leather couch had been replaced by a bright, floral-patterned sofa. The dusty blinds had been covered by thick curtains. And the shelves that had been filled with books and games were now covered in pictures of who you could only assume were this lady’s grandkids. Nothing of Holder remained.

Finally, you turned back to the woman and asked, “I’m really sorry to bother you. He just forgot to tell me he was moving, I guess. You wouldn’t happen to know where he went, would you?”

“I’m afraid not. He had me forward any mail to his sister. He didn’t leave an address for himself.”

You nodded, still in shock. “Okay, thank you very much and I’m sorry again for bothering you.”

You turned to leave, but the woman stopped you. “You wouldn’t happen to be his old partner?”

You whirled around, hopefully. “I am.”

“He left something for you, in case you stopped by.” The woman shuffled back into the apartment.

After what seemed like an eternity, she returned with a small box. Slowly opening the lid, you had to hold back a sob as you saw Holder’s gold chain nestled inside. You had bought it for him for your one-year anniversary of being partners. Since that day when you had secured it around his neck, he had never taken it off. Until now.

Lifting it from the box, you noticed that the clasp had been snapped off, as if he had ripped it from his neck. It had been a sturdy hook and it must have really hurt to tear it hard enough to break it. Does he really hate me that much? You nodded a thanks to the new occupant of Holder’s apartment and began walking down the hall, wiping tears from your eyes as you went.

As you exited the building, you pulled out your phone and dialed one of the only people Holder might have told where he was going. She answered on the third ring.

“You shouldn’t be calling me.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s gone. He quit homicide five days ago. Just packed up his desk and left. He said he couldn’t stay here anymore, and he was going to try to find a job somewhere else.”

“Where is he, Linden. I know you know.”

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. He did nothing but worship the ground you walked on, and you ripped his heart out.”

“I didn’t know.”

“The hell you didn’t. If you ask me, he’s better off without you.” The line went dead. And with it went all of your hopes of finding Holder.

You knew you could go try to get it out of Liz, but as desperate as you were to find him, you knew better than to cross that line. Holder’s sister and his nephew were his whole life, but they had a very tenuous relationship after he started using drugs. They had just started getting back to a good place, and you weren’t going to do anything that might affect that reconciliation.

So, all you could do was head home and pray that, someday, you might find your best friend once again.

Time passed by, and there wasn’t a day you didn’t think about Holder. For the first month or so, you thought you saw him everywhere. You chased down a fair number of tall, hoodie wearing strangers before you finally came to the realization that he was well and truly gone.

But that didn’t stop the ache you felt. You were left haunted by that last glimpse of him as he slammed the door on you. All the pain, anger, and betrayal etched into his face was all you could see when you thought of him. Every happy memory, every good time together was now tainted by the secret you had kept and the hurt it had caused him.

But the ultimate karmic justice came about three months after Holder left. You and Glenn had broken up a few weeks before after a rather nasty fight which led to an even nastier confrontation. But you didn’t care. Something had felt off for a while, but you couldn’t place your finger on what. So, one afternoon, you were taking a walk through the park, trying to clear your head. As you approached the fountain, you noticed a single monarch butterfly land gracefully on a flower. Sitting down on one of the nearby benches, you watched as it flitted from one plant to another.

You smiled as you remembered lying on Holder’s bed, flipping through his butterfly book while he lay behind you, peppering soft kisses across your bare shoulder and up your neck. He would only pause long enough to drop another fact about the insects before returning to his caresses, his moustache tickling your skin. And when he reached your lips, you rolled over on top of him, the book falling to the floor forgotten.

As you snapped out of the memory, you realized you had been absentmindedly stroking Holder’s chain which has resided on your neck since you had the clasp fixed. Suddenly, all the joy from the memory was sucked into the black hole that had opened in your chest. It became just another casualty of Holder’s disappearance.

But why did it hurt so bad? Why, after all this time did you care this much? He was your best friend, but you had lost friends before. It sucked then you moved on. But this… this was so much more. You thought about him constantly, cried yourself to sleep over missing him, everything good you had left of him had slowly just turned to pain. But you guessed that’s what happened when you lost someone who you loved.

You froze as the realization hit you like a bucket of ice water to the face. I love Holder. That’s why this hurt so much. That’s why you never felt right in your relationship with Glenn. That’s why you couldn’t move past Holder’s departure. Because you loved him! You were in love with Stephen Holder!

You burst into tears as you came to terms with this discovery. Without even realizing it, your friendship and fooling around had developed into something monumentally deeper. And you had pushed him away for loving you when you had loved him at the same time. He was gone because you had been too stupid to realize your real feelings.

For the next hour, you sat on that park bench with no one but the butterfly to watch as you wept for the man you still loved and who you had lost.

The next two years seemed to simultaneously fly by and drag on forever. You tried to move on with your life and forget about Holder but that was much easier said than done. The guilt and regret about how things had ended between the two of you ate at you every day. You tried to go on a few dates, but your mind always circled back to him and after a while, you just gave up. Once things had calmed down some, you had tried to talk to Linden again, but she was still almost as furious at you for causing him to leave as you were at yourself. Finally, you just came to accept that you were just never going to see him again.

Call it fate, call it coincidence, call it dump luck, call it divine intervention, but sometimes things happen for a reason. Your sister’s birthday was coming up and you found out that a bookstore in Tacoma had the limited edition she had been wanting for years. So, after the relatively short 40-minute drive from Seattle, you decided to explore the city some. It was a beautiful day, one of the first warm days Washington had seen since the fall, and you found yourself headed into a park by the water.

The park was busy but not exactly what you would call crowded. As you walked along the bay, looking at all the fish and birds out in the water, you glanced at a couple sitting at one of the tables up ahead and stopped dead in your tracks. The man had his back to you, but his tall frame, dirty blond hair, and gray hoodie all screamed Holder. You took a hesitant step towards him before mentally slapping yourself. You are better than this! You haven’t imagined seeing him in over a year. Not every tall guy in a sweatshirt is Stephen Holder. Pull yourself together! And so, you kept walking.

But as you got closer, more and more things about the man stood out to you. His posture, his movements, the cigarette dangling from his fingers. It was all him. You stopped directly behind the man, uncertain about what to do. But then he laughed, and you knew. It was a sound that both blessed and haunted your dreams. A sound you never thought you would hear in the waking world again.

Breathlessly, you whispered, “Holder.”

The man stiffened slightly before turning around. Oh god! It was him! He looked just the same as you remembered him, if slightly more cleaned up and less scruffy. He blinked in surprise as he saw you there and for a moment, you weren’t sure how he would react. The pain and hurt that had been branded in your brain for the past two years flickered across his face as he recognized you, and for a moment, you thought this had been a mistake. But then, his face softened and he broke into a playful grin as he threw open his arms.

“Yo! Whacha doin’ here, girl? I can’t believe it. ‘Bout time you finally tracked me down. No wonder you never made detective.” He wrapped himself around your smaller frame as he pulled you in for a hug. You stood there in shock for a second before returning the embrace with all of your strength. It’s him….It’s actually him! And he’s not mad.

Holder chuckled as he squirmed in your grasp. “Hey, hey, I missed you too! But I got ta breathe!”

You released him immediately, taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect…I mean I didn’t know….Are you living here now?”

“Yep. Moved here right after I left. Needed a place still close to Liz an’ Davie but still gave me some distance, you know what I’m sayin’?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course….. I’m just so surprised to see you! I was just in town picking something up and decided to go for a walk and here you are.” You still weren’t sure how to treat him, how he saw you. Were you an old friend or a bitter enemy?

But his smile gave you hope. He glanced over at the girl he was with, and said, “Hey, can I catch you later?” The girl glared at you but nodded, grabbed her stuff, and walked away.

Holder grabbed your hand and began pulling you away from the water. “Here, I know a place that’s normally pretty empty. Give us a lil’ more privacy.”

You allowed him to lead you past the tourists and families spending the afternoon together until it was just the two of you in the heart of the park. Holder let go of your hand and turned to face you. Both of you seemed to be examining the other, looking for the people you were years ago.

Finally, Holder nodded slightly to your neck. “You got what I left for you, so I guess you went by my place.”

Your hand flew to his chain that hung around your neck. “Oh, yeah. I stopped by about a week after…it happened. The new tenant gave it to me. I took it down and got the clasp fix and……It just felt wrong keeping it in that box, so I’ve been wearing it ever since.”

“I’m glad. It looks good on you.” You felt your cheeks grow warm and you turned to apologize, but Holder cut you off. “So, ya still with Jeff or Gordon or whoever?”

“Glenn. Uh, no….that didn’t last very long.”

You subconsciously rubbed your cheek, and Holder noticed. He reached out as he brushed your hand and hair to the side, revealing the scar that was usually hidden.

You saw his jaw tighten as he asked. “Did he hit you or somethin’?”

You shrugged softly. “Only once. He had a ring on. But you know I don’t tolerate shit like that. He was out on his ass before the sting of his hand was gone.”

Holder chuckled, some of the tension visibly vanishing from his body as he ran his thumb lightly over the mark. “Bet he didn’t leave in one piece either. Woulda loved to see that.”

Biting your lip, you suppressed a small smile. “Let’s just say, all those Jiu-Jitsu classes you talked me into taking came in good use that night.”

“That’s my girl!” His grin quickly faded as he realized what he had said. His hands instantly dropped to his side and he stepped back, putting quite a bit of distance between you.

Both of you stood in an awkward silence for a moment before you finally burst out, “I’m so sorry, Holder! I was wrong about everything! Even before Glenn hit me, I was already planning on leaving him. I realized something was off in our relationship, but I didn’t know what. And then a few weeks later, I saw a butterfly on my way to work, and it made me think of that book you used to have, and our time together and it just hit me. I love you, Holder. I love you now and I loved you back then, I was just too stupid to see it. And I’m not expecting you to forgive me or even want to be friends. But I just needed you to kno-”

His mouth was suddenly smashed against yours, cutting off the rest of your words. For a moment, you were so shocked that you didn't know how to respond. But as he deepened the kiss, you let yourself fall into him just like old times. As his hands came up and cupped your cheeks, you ran yours through his hair, pulling him in closer. The kiss felt almost the same as you remembered it, but there was a fire behind it that hadn’t been there before. A neediness that only came from years of separation.

When the two of you finally broke apart, panting slightly, you gazed up at him in wonder. But he just smiled his same old dopey grin. “I love you too, mama. Never stopped.”

“Really?” you breathed. “But the woman you were with? You’re not…”

“Nah, Jasmine? I’m her NA sponsor. I’m goin’ on five years clean,” he said proudly.

You grabbed his hands tightly. “Oh my god, Holder! That’s amazing! I was afraid after… you might have...”

His face dropped slightly. “I thought about it. A lot. Came really close, had the stuff in my hand an’ everythin’. But I knew it ain’t what you would’ve wanted. You were always so proud of me an’ supportive an’ shit. Even after what happened, I couldn’t let you down like that. So, I stopped myself and I still haven’t used since that night you first found me.”

You threw your arms around his neck, forcing him to crouch slightly to compensate for your height difference. “You’re right, I am so incredibly proud of you. And I’m so sorry I put you in that position in the first place. If I had just taken my head out of my ass long enough to see what I had, none of this would have happened. These last two years…. We could have shared them together.”

Holder straightened up suddenly, causing you to have to let go of him. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, as he stared down at you. “Listen, I… I never stopped lovin’ you. But, that don’t mean I lived like a saint these last two years neither.”

You stared at him nervously. “What do you mean? You said you were still off the drugs.”

“Yeah, it ain’t that…….I got a kid. A daughter.”

“Oh.” You weren’t quite sure how to take this news. After all, you were the one who broke his heart. He had every right to go out and sleep with every girl in the state if he wanted. In fact, the two of you had never really even been a couple. He never had to have any loyalty to you, you sure hadn’t had any to him. Yet, for some reason, this revelation still stung.

“Me and her moms dated for a few months, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Then a few weeks later, she tells me she’s pregnant. So… yeah.”

“Wow… congratulations! That’s wonderful Holder.” You pulled him back in for another hug of celebration, but you also used the opportunity to hide your face as you tried to fight the flood of emotions swimming across it. “What’s her name?”

“Kalia. She just turned one a few weeks ago.” You could hear he was still nervous, but there was also a pride and excitement underneath that you had rarely ever heard from him. “She’s fuckin’ amazin’! Everythin’ she does just blows me away, you know what I’m sayin’? An’ she’s already gettin’ so big! She used to fit in one of my hands, an’ now she’s huge! We have joint custody, so I don’t see her every day, but each time I do, she seems bigger! It’s incredible!”

You looked up at Holder’s face and marveled at the joy lighting up his face. You had never seen him happier. And that was enough for you. Anything that could make Holder smile like that, you couldn’t be upset about. “I would love the chance to meet her one day…. If that would be okay?”

Just when you thought Holder’s smile couldn’t get any bigger, it did. “Fo’ real? Like fo’ real, fo’ real? You’d want to meet her?”

“Of course, but only if and when you’re comfortable with that, I don’t want to pressure you. But, I mean, she’s a part of you, Holder. And after so long without you, I want every part of you that I can get. Now and forever.”

He pulled your body tight against his as he leaned down until his forehead was pressed firmly against yours. His smile was shining just as brightly as before. “Mama, you got me, all of me. Then, now, and forever.”

#sfw repost #fic #the killing #joel kinnaman #stephen holder #detective stephen holder #stephen holder x y/n #stephen holder x you #stephen holder x reader #sarah linden #fwb #fwb to lovers #heartbreak #mention of addition tw #mention of drugs tw #domestic abuse tw #mention of domestic abuse tw

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