#Spy tf2 if he slayed

[glassclownz]

without jacket version

[boimann]

Secretary bird spy

No explanation it just fits

[cheebuss]

Who's grandpa looking at the shell of his reflection rn...

[professionalwithlowstandards]

Me when

[kantsyzkola]

unmasked spy in a dress. commissioned by @truekingpumpkin (i'm gonna bite the bullet this time ehsjdjjs) he's so cool like that.

yes spy has curly blonde hair in my hc I will rub it in everyone's faces

[radish2seven]

I just really liked how this sniper drawing turned out

[professormanul]

GUYS.......

[get-more-bald]

"I wouldnt subject demo to dating an european. a french." GIRL DEMOMAN IS ALSO EUROPEAN!!!!!😭😭WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!

[meiliarotten]

i need the insight of the tf2 smut expert (complimentary) on this one... which of the mercs prefers tits and which one prefers ass?

First off- I am honored to be considered the tf2 smut expert. Now- on to the ultimate question.

🍑 or 🍒?

🔞MINORS DNI🔞

The Masterlist

👟 Scout 👟

Oooooh I had to ponder this one for a long while. Now, I personally headcanon Scout as bi (like me), so I finally decided he likes both, but specifically tits for women and ass for men. If you’re non-binary it’s a coin toss. As in he’ll probably literally flip a damn coin.

🦅 Soldier 🦅

My reasoning here literally had me looking up muscle groups in the human body. Soldier strikes me as a man attracted to strength. Literally look at Zhanna. She definitely pegs him and he’s not ashamed of it. As such, I think he’s an ass man- largest muscle in the body, y’know? Yeah. My high school biology teacher would be proud to see what I’m doing with that hard earned education.

🔥 Pyro 🔥

Pyro likes any squishable soft part of your body- tits, ass, belly, it’s all fair game, but if they had to choose, they would go with tits. They’re the easiest to squeeze if they hug you from behind, they like the way they feel when you’re cuddling and they’re pressed up against them, big or small, breasts are just perfect! Plus, if you have an especially sensitive chest, Pyro will definitely take full advantage of that during foreplay

💥 Demo 💥

For Demo, it comes down to what’s easiest to grab in the moment- and that tends to be your ass. It’s easy to give it a quick squeeze in the corner of a bar or even in passing on the battlefield, just to tease you a bit- tits aren’t nearly as subtle. So yeah, it’s ass all the way for this one.

🥊 Heavy 🥊

I struggled with this for a long while but I finally settled on tits. Heavy is much bigger than most of his lovers, and so he prefers for them to ride on top so that they can take him at their own pace. This position makes it pretty easy for him to caress your chest or simply watch the way your tits bounce as you ride him. It’s a view he can’t get enough of!

🔧 Engie 🔧

Ass. I had to consult a fellow smut expert on this one cause I was stuck, and they’re reasoning basically boils down to a particular smutty scenario where Engie bends you over his desk and goes to town- hence resulting in the ass preference. I also personal feel like he wouldn’t be shy about spanking either.

🏥 Medic 🏥

Assl Tits. THIGHS. I will perish on this hill, Medic is a thigh appreciator above all else. Mans will go down on you for hours just to be cushioned between a pair of thighs. He’ll leave bite marks on the soft flesh. A pair of thigh high stockings will fucking slay him, as illustrated in this fic by lil ol me.

🦘 Sniper 🦘

Ass for sure. This might have something to do with the “wild man” energy Sniper gives off. Something about him just screams feral, and that includes taking you ass up and face down whenever the mood arises.

🌹 Spy 🌹

Tits, especially if they’re accentuated with some fancy lingerie. Spy will gladly worship your chest if you want him to. He’ll even buy you outfits that show off your curves with plunging necklines just for him to admire you in. Kinda like a sugar daddy

So yeah, those are my hot takes on what each merc prefers. You want a source? My source is that I made it the fuck up

Jk, this is all in good fun, and I’d love to see y’all’s opinions as well! These are the discussions we should be having, people!

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

[resting in bed, kicking their feet and slaying the fluffy pink pajamas as well as bright fluffy pink socks —for real—] Teehee, I have a writing prompt for you!

Which kind of pajamas the mercs use? How do they sleep with them?

Take care! ^-^

What Kind Of Pajamas Do The TF2 Mercs Wear?

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Sometimes I forget people have nice pajamas, I wear a pair of thrifted men's pajama pants with holes and a hoodie 😭 (I love it dw)

Mutual appreciation comment time! Love seeing you pop up! I'm always like ❗️that's my mutual! They're so cool!!!

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Demo- This man wears wine mom pj's and I will die on this hill. He wears a shirt that says "wine o'clock!" And has pajama pants with little wine glasses and bottles on them. Has multiple other wine pun-themed pajama shirts, each time he wears one you can feel Scout physically cringe. He's just so silly like that. But I don't think he sleeps in the wine shirts, he just wears them when he has to put a shirt on after he's ready for bed. Also has wine socks, to match his whole outfit ofc.

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Engineer- Wears dad pajamas. I'm sorry. But like? He seems like the kind of guy to wear thick ass flannel pajama pants with an equally as thick matching button-up. He's got fuzzy slippers (also flannel). Wears socks with those silly dad socks. Wears the entire get up to bed every night. Such a silly goose!

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Heavy- Genuinely wears old man pajamas. Wears a plain T-shirt, some warm pajama pants, and a robe. Has bunny slippers, please let me give this man bunny slippers. I don't know guys, in my head, he's so cartoonish. Sleeps in a bed with a patterned comforter has his slippers on and likes handing out the blanket bc it's too small. Ough, silly guy.

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Medic- I'm frothing at the mouth. But I'm also torn. I want to say he dresses up in that goofy-looking "Christmas Carol" nightgown with a nightcap and everything but at the same time? I can imagine this man in either white, pink, or red, silk pajamas, you know the ones. In my mind, fits his whole teen girl vibe. This all implies he sleeps, which is a rarity, but when he does it is very glamorous.

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Scout- Minecraft pajamas. Kidding! Half kidding? I think he sleeps in a t-shirt and boxers instead of actual pajamas. Minecraft t-shirts and themed boxers? Yeah. Has some thick pairs of clothes for colder nights. Mainly just some nice pajamas pants and a thick hoodie.

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Sniper- No pajamas. Wears jeans and a tank top, and a T-shirt if it's chilly. I don't think this man has ever worn pajamas. But in fairness, I don't think he ever continuously falls asleep. Just works and works and ends up passing out in whatever he's wearing. If he ever does finally decide to actually get some rest he has been known to just sleep in boxers.

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Spy- Old Hollywood robe. All I need to say. Has an intense sleep routine, wears an eye mask, puffs up all his pillows, and flops onto his bed dramatically with a sigh after a long day. Dramatic bitch. (loving) Sleeps with a blanket pulled up to his chin, and has like eight fans going. Has to have specific conditions to sleep. Crazy man.

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Soldier- I can't tell if this man respects the flag code with every fiber of his being or if he'd wear an entire American flag-themed pajama set. I'll go with a mix of both. Wears sweatpants and one of those cliché 4th of July t-shirts that every beer drinking white dad wears. Or he doesn't wear anything, the TF2 fandom has seemed to deam this man someone who doesn't understand the importance of clothes.

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Pyro- Unicorn onesie! Or some other form of onesie. They aren't particular. They like comfortable clothes and bonus points if it's really cute too. Has a collection of them. One time Pyro saw Ppy wearing an eye mask and bought one to try. Looks very silly on top of their gas mask. Overall, all these guys are really silly.

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Used the word silly way to much. Probably used goofy too much too. I was in a mood you could say.

I hope you like this! This was a favorite to write:) Sorry it took so long, I got way too tired last night to finish this. Also, hope I answered the question right because I kept second-guessing myself halfway through each one 😭

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[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

the antagonist of tf2 is actually scout because he is half french

Spy is full-French which is worse but like at least she has cunt and slay about it. Scout don't got any cunt or slay in him

[honkshoo-zzz]

mm oddly specific tf2 headcanons in no particular order based around a fic i’m writing (some NSFW, so be warned, and some courtesy of @officialbananabro and our joint brainrot):

• sniper is an insomniac due to trauma-induced OCD. he has to check all windows and doors before going to sleep, and even then often ends up just keeping surveillance out the window all night because he can’t sleep

• scout runs for fun: helps get rid of excess energy and has just been doing it forever so he’ll jog around base if it gets particularly slow work-wise.

• scout is a comic-book enjoyer. what comics he likes are up to individual discretion, as i don’t know enough about em to pick em

• spy is a SLUT who is afraid of commitment (hence running from scout’s mom when he. made scout, and probably fucking a couple of the other mercs)

• sniper has a mullet. i don’t CARE what the official art says. THAT MAN HAS BUSINESS IN THE FRONT AND A PARTY IN THE BACK

• spy is a bottom fuck you

• sniper is NOT into piss but WILL make jokes about it and WILL NOT DENY IT when it’s brought up

• soldier cannot comprehend that two mercs would be fucking until it’s literally spelled out for him. he’s not homophobic he’s just a lil slow

• medic and heavy have been happily married for (probably) decades

• medic knows ALL of the hot-goss around base. he knows who’s fuckin who, and who knows about it, and who is SUPPOSED TO know about it. and he relays all of this information to heavy during brunch cause he thinks it’s funny

• sniper and medic are autistic, scout has adhd, soldier and demo have PTSD, and somehow spy is perfectly mentally healthy besides having mommy AND daddy issues (probably)

• engie is smart enough to determine who’s hiding relationships around base, but is polite and minds his business

• basically everyone knows sniper is fucking spy, and when he starts bonin’ scout, EXCEPT for soldier. and when sniper and scout announce their relationship soldier’s the only one to be like “WOW CONGRATULATIONS BOYS WHO WOULDA THUNK” but everyone else is unfazed

• medic is a HUGE masochist and likes heavy *literally* throwing him around the room during sex. like homelander-stormfront chucking-through-the-wall type shit. heavy’s not as into it but it makes medic happy so he does it

• spy also enjoys getting his hair pulled, but won’t take the mask off during sex so his partner has to do it from under the mask/use the mask instead (without pulling it off)

• scout and miss pauling, after scout confesses and miss pauling rejects him due to being lesbian (among other reasons, but that’s the biggest one), they become gay besties and scout goes to her for advice on sniper n they gossip n such

• however miss pauling being miss pauling already knows pretty much everything before scout gets to her so she’ll just. give the advice before he can even ask it. example:

s: “hey, miss pauling, can I ask you sum’?”

mp: “i can’t help you nor sniper with sniper’s ocd-induced insomnia, that’s something he needs to work on himself before i, let alone you, go butting into it. give him time, and be patient, and he’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

s:

s, stars in his eyes: “wow you’re good”

• also pyro, of course, knows everything but is too busy hosting tea parties and setting her guests on fire to do anything about it. shorty is living his best, aro-ace life, unproblematic and slaying.

ok i think that’s it for now. feel free to add i think these guys are silly and need as much content as possible thank you uwu

[cheemscakecat]

Dumb Monster mercs 2 electric boogaloo

So I’ve established that RED Spy tf2 in the monster AU is a werewolf, not a vampire.

RED Medic is a vampire though, and that begs the question of what his bat form would look like.

This is a flying fox. They’re not native to Germany or Euorope as a whole, but I just can’t picture the mad doctor as a scrunch faced little bat.

Like nah fam, that thing’s too round and non-threatening to be him. Also he’s a tall dude, he and Spy are like the same height but he’s just not a beanpole.

The Australian flying foxes get really big, which makes more sense for a vampire anyways because they’re scary. I imagine his bat eyes are still blue, which would make him look like a blind big bat to a civilian who hasn’t read up on vampire lore.

That being said, I imagine vampirism in the tf2 universe is like a magic curse that acts like a parasite. Instead of being able to eat actual food, you drink blood. Depending on what you eat, it tastes like food you used to like as a human, and animals that were raised on a lot of corn or potatoes taste like meat with a side dish.

Human and sentient monster blood tastes foul, and most vamps actually don’t go out of their way to eat people or try to infect them. However. Monster hunting guilds across the world want people to believe that vampires eat humans, because if they learn the truth it puts the art of vampire slaying under scrutiny. And that means less funding for the guilds, as well as shame for their governments.

There’s a simple solution to keep that lie running; starve a vampire and then bring them out to be executed. Because the vampirism is a magic parasite of sorts that makes undead, it needs fuel to keep them healthy. That fuel being some form of blood. If you starve a vamp, the parasite starts sending signals to attack anything that moves and drink its blood, no matter who or what it is.

So even if you were a totally peace-loving vamp, if you got captured by a monster hunting guild you’d be driven mad with hunger and made to look savage.

Medic was actually infected during WWII when he opened a little eyehole slot looking into a vampire’s prison cell. The old man was being held captive by N*zis, and he figured the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Which was true, but the old man had been starved and forced his bat form out of the hole to get him.

The RED team has a paddock of captured animals that the Medic eats. He’d of course sampled their blood from surgeries out of morbid curiosity, but that’s it. It also wasn’t unusual for him to be gone for a long time to refill the animal blood supply.

If he were to get captured by some competent monster hunters, Heavy would be the one sent to rescue him.

Heavy in the monster verse is a large Siberian ogre. Like Vampires, the idea that ogres eat humans is mostly untrue; though some factions have eaten their enemies villages after their own families were attacked or killed.

They have thick skin that is very hard to puncture, which is why it would be safest for him to go and rescue Medic if some bozos tried to starve him. Vampires can’t control themselves when they’ve gone without for more than 4 days, and they can’t stop drinking blood until that unfortunate target is drained. Heavy’s the only teammate who wouldn’t be drained, and who’s capable of wrangling the doctor off him to redirect him to an animal target.

Being a Siberian ogre, Heavy is accustomed to wearing bear fur like a chest plate or vest, with tanned leather pants. Some warmer climate ogres wear leather as well, but tend to keep their bellies bare since they have no need for a full shirt. It would be very easy for the doctor to turn into a bat and hold onto part of Heavy’s bear-fur vest; staying safe and camouflaged in his weakened state while the big guy destroyed the monster hunting outpost.

For anyone curious, the Emesis Blue BLU Medic is not a vampire, but instead a mage that uses healing spells on the BLU team. There’s no weird occult spells in his arsenal, but given his childhood in N*zi Germany as a Jewish man, it didn’t really matter how good his intentions were.

In the regular timeline BLU team has no idea about his heritage, but given how odd it is for a healing, Holy mage to be persecuted in a world of Monster hunters fighting necromancers and witches, the subject did come up. BLU team may not have a Scout, but they are less aloof and secretive than in the main timeline. Even Spy.

RED Spy and BLU Ma still had BLU Scout since he and RED Ma are friends, not compatible lovers. But both Scouts are on RED team.

BLU Soldier was brought back to life like Frankenstein’s monster by the US government to fight in Vietnam. He escaped and decided to join BLU to keep himself from being sicked on someone by his lying government.

BLU Pyro [Cheryl] was human once, but the bratty girls in her Maine hometown wanted her “weird ***” gone, so they tried to turn her into a scary dragon. They misread the spell and accidentally turned her into a Phoenix. This serves her well fighting against RED Pyro, since she keeps regenerating when destroyed.

RED and BLU exist more to keep the monster mercs strong and wily, so they can fight monster hunters. Though, the witch administrator had successfully gaslighted Redmond and Blutarch to believe otherwise. She doesn’t really care about the mercs, but hates humans a lot more for inconveniencing her and her unknown plans.

[cheebuss]

your Blu spy is a cuntalicious slay machine

THANK U SO MUCH ANON NOBODY CAN COMPLIMENT ME BETTER THAN THIS

[teet-feet-two]

BOY HAVE I GOT A RANT FOR YOU

Alright alright alright alright so, i absolutely love tf2 and i absolutely love spy , i also really love suits, this has driven me to insanity trying to make a cosplay of this man

As i want to designing something as game accurate as possible but spys suit by suiting standards is ABSOULTY CLOWNSIH (the man doesnt even have exterrnal pockets does he just shove his sapper in an internal pocket????)

when valve designed spy they were most likely never intending his waist coat to work physicaly they just wannted to stylisticly imply a waist coat

But I do want to make it physically so let's look at how the hell this thing has to work shall we

Spys waistcoat can't button up down the front as that creates a V shape down the middle and not the little slant he has going on

However there is a spesific style of double breasted waist coat that buttons up near flat at the bottom

Which starts to look closer to what we're looking for but it's still not quite right

The only way to get that slant is if spy has an asymmetrical double breasted waist coat

If it wasn't asymmetrical you'd always in some form or another end up with that V shape

Which is rather silly

HOWEVER

It gets more silly

If it were to button up the way above with the red flap on top, you'd still be able to see the red flap SO it has to button the OTHER WAY with the blue flap on top

Which is the feminine way to button a waistcoat (#slay)

SO

Spy has to have a asymmetrical double breasted waist coat buttoned femininly for him to have that silly little slant

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

i have been having a question and a problem about the spy for several months now