#Spiral of Contempt

[pm-my-beloved]

Spiral of Contempt - Analysis

I have seen A LOT of people either claiming to not understand Spiral of Contempt, or, worse, present an interpretation which in my eyes is wrong (How dare they~). Thus, I am deciding to attempt an in-depth analysis of this abno, and while im there, also Awe, Contempt Ryoshu.

I do want to warn that I might miss some of the information because trying to put it all in somewhat coherent order is, quite hard.

First preface I think is needed to estabilish, is that it probably is an abberation of Burrowing Heaven, and that its DEFINETLY a religious themed abnormality.

So lets start with disproving a theory I have frequently seen that is like, so wrong in my opinion?? And that is, that this abnormality represents "God Complex", which like, if you make a very shallow read of it, and decide to not look at its visual design, then maybe.

But, even just from design, despite being named "Spiral of contempt" the primary action that it does, is an act of worship, of adoration, its hands raised into the heavens, blood spilling from its hands as if some form of a gorey offering.

So, first conclusion to be taken, is that this is not "Godly" abno, but rather, a worshipper. And thus is also why its primarily lust, because the core of this is, as previously mentioned, adoration of something thats been put on a pedestal.

The golden land and the pouring blood is above and beyond you, and even as abno picture shows, beyond the spiral. But what could that mean? Its a surprise tool that will help us later.

"It mus have reached this depth after burrowing and burrowing." Why would something or someone go into the depths for source of worship, rather than simply look at the heavens above? This is a question that we will provide two potential answers later.

Now, onto the abnormality choice that I want to focus on in the Mirror Dungeon

The focus on gaze, or in this case, aversion, and previous mention of burrowing makes me to personally be certain of this abnormalities status as an aberration. It also makes me think, how the original abno itself, treated gaze, as almost an act of worship, to devote your focus, yourself fully to the thing your eyes are set upon.

I believe the check passed can have 3 possible interpretations, each with slightly different implications, and all of which might, considering the surreal aspect of abnormalities, be correct at the same time.

First one, is that by being able to avert our eyes from it, from its own act of worship, it has shown us some reverence, but that act, caused the contempt in the abnormality to be directed at self, for feeling respect towards a worthless bug like us. Though I do believe that the last line "The spiral descended out of sight in the meantime" Implies that the middle statement is not describing what the spiral does itself.

Second reading, is that, The Spiral of Contempt itself is a being of little insignificance, thus to observe it, to worship it with your own attention, would be a cause of contempt, and by not adoring something as worthless at it is, we prove our own worth. I want to point out here, that the option to keep looking, is what causes hatred and contempt to burst out out of ourselves

Finally, third, perhaps most radical option that will need some explaining later, is that, whatever the spiral is worshiping itself is of no significance, is profane, that its object of awe in on itself is contemptable. The reason I think so, is because the spiral has burrowed itself under the ground to worship something, to hold it in awe. I believe that one of the angles of interpretation is that, the spiral is worshipping the profane, the bloody, messy, literally placing blood on altar made of its own hands, rather than seek true heaven. It burrows itself deeper, instead of burrowing to the surface, until it reaches sky. Additional clue is, that the primary ego gift we get from it, the hands with the sanguine offering, is named perversion, otherwise translatable as corruption of the natural order.

Additionally, with the failure of the check, what we are punished for, is failure to have courage to look away, to reject the sight in front of our eyes. This failure check leads me to further believe in interpretations 2 and 3.

Now, onto Awe, Contempt, and how it ties into two of my interpretations. In on itself, the name choice is quite interesting, seemingly two completely contrasting statements, yet if we assume correctness of my interpretation, or look at what Ryoshu represents as a person, it is perfectly fitting.

The quote Ryoshu was given shows how those two concepts compliment each other perfectly "Other, lesser painters are such mediocrities, they have no way to see the beauty that lies in ugliness"

Ryoshu, through an act of art, is a sort of worshipper. She worships the squalor and uglyness and suffering that is present in life, and her art. With her actions, she is elevating the most profane, the most vile, the most worthy of contempt, into a thing of beauty and awe. This, is based on interpretation number 3.

A different, equally valid angle in my opinion, is that this EGO represents her worship of art, while separating herself from it. She is very prideful, but she does not require praise or adoration herself, what she wants is for the art itself to be seen, to focus on artist rather than their work, is what invites her scorn. This one, obviously is based on interpretation number 2.

Thus, in conclusion. I believe that Spiral of Contempt is abnormality that both represents worship of something we choose to see as vastly greater than ourselves, and the act of deifying the horrid and profane.

I will write additional things I notice that don't warrant taking space in the analysis in a follow-up post

[gygesiv]

Blood pours from above; the land of gold lies beyond.

The spiral ahead loudly screeches.

It must have reached this depth after burrowing and burrowing.

Although it has no eyes, it creaks to face you.

[masochnik]

NOSTALGIA CRITIC MEURSAULT

[dogofhair]

Spiral

[projectmoon-smash-or-pass]

propaganda for Hod

propaganda for Spiral of Contempt

[tomatosmoothie]

spiral

[melliae]

Refraction Railway Line #3 Abnormalities Part 2 (Analysis)

A False Prophet

“@$*@)$ ?@#$!!@#* !@*()!%&$(^!!!!@&(@)” - Abnormality Encounter.

Arguably, this one was a headache to analyze, and that may be the point of its existence: it doesn’t write for any necessity or greater purpose beyond its own twisted pleasure. It is so absorbed in its own writing, trying to reveal and write the future (wink), that it doesn’t notice that it burns everything around it with its quill, returning all interactions with another being with pure, unaltered hatred due to them daring to interrupt its self-serving writing.

Obviously, understanding that much is the easy part; even the characters themselves do. However, now comes the actual question: what is the Skin Prophet exactly writing?

“Yearning for destruction and doom, it writes and writes and writes.” - Abnormality Encounter.

Its own selfish, biased predictions about how everything ends, naturally. It endlessly writes and delights in its own imagination about all kinds of dooms, ruins, and falsehoods, which, again, don’t serve any purpose beyond its own pleasure. If we take into consideration how its self-damaging skill, “6:5”, may be based on Isaiah 6:5, everything coincides:

“‘Woe to me!’ I cried. ‘I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.’”

When actual darkness sets in, when Skin Prophet can finally see only itself instead of being distracted by anyone else or its own writing, “God”—the actual truth—appears… and “He” smites it down. This is telling because, in the Encounter itself and the Logs, it is mentioned that the candles are lit from the get-go (or they constantly go on and off), meaning that it’s never surrounded by absolute darkness, going against the presumed meaning of “9:2”:

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” - Isaiah 9:2

Despite using its intense wrath to turn off all the candles, the surroundings never go fully dark thanks to its pen and eyes—it’s unable to confront the bitter, cold truth that lies in the abyssal depths. That’s both the reason why it is, above all, weak to Gloom and why it disappears once you choose to “snuff out the candles”: you turn off all that distracts it from what’s true, thus making it confront the contradictory nature of its existence.

“The records, inscribed with that burning quill, are endless. Yet the prophet must write. Because the future is also endless.” - Mid-Combat Event.

How can it write about the endless future if the only thing it yearns for is ruin and doom? To see the worst of everything despite being incapable of confronting true darkness?

In regards to the other check options, they add more to it: choosing to “peek at the book” when encountering it in the MDs ends up with every Lustless ID losing 20 SP; in contrast, passing the check in the mid-combat Event—which requires Lust, by that matter—also leads to -20 SP in the selected ID, independent of affinity. That’s to say, reading Skin Prophet’s “gospel” is a bad idea for just about everyone. But those who are familiar with the violent sway of desire can appreciate its reprehensible contents, even if comprehending such garbage is impossible.

No matter with how much zealousness it writes all its prophecies, thinking they are some sort of divine revelation, because Skin Prophet is just that: a skin-deep, false prophet trying to justify its twisted perception of a half-baked evil, because in the moment it knows true desolation and darkness, it collapses. But at the same time, nobody can deny the obsessive passion engraved in the incomprehensible ramblings, enough for even the most “depraved” people to be shaken to their core.

“Because had they not done so, they could not have endured this world. Because they were weak! I was their lighthouse in this world of tempest… I gave them an unambiguous path to follow!” - Ahab, Inside the Whale (Sinew Bridge), Canto V.

Unreflective, contagious madness about knowing—wishing for—evil, spreading like a wildfire… Surely there are many people or organizations like that in the City, guiding others through self-serving fabrications.

Hatred for All

“You feel a cold wave crawl up your spine in an instant, but it may be the right choice. Even children know not to play with fire.” - Abnormality Encounter.

It hates you. It hates you so goddamn much. Even more than Spiral of Contempt. Though it may be more accurate to say that it hates the entire world, including itself, “hoping to burn all down”, according to Ishmael’s corrosion line, and as its capacity to turn every skill into a Wrath-based one shows. But at the same time, it's a homely presence, unable to guide anyone yet offering a warm embrace anyway.

“These flames… they do not burn; they only bring us warmth. Perhaps accepting them may be of benefit to us.” - Yi Sang, Abnormality’s Observation Log #1

However, the only way to endure that embrace is through understanding and already holding such devastating wrath. Those who don’t have it will be consumed by the embers and set ablaze by the wings of the Moth, who whas accepted a long time ago that way of existing, as its Sloth skills, “Flame Strike” and “Ardor Blossom Pinions”, clearly show: it slowly, lazily—or maybe “mechanically”—strikes the embers within its wings.

The rest of its skills are similar in nature, slowly building up and fanning its fire through the battle until it reaches 5 Embers and its infamous “Ardor Blossom Star”, when there’s no more Sloth nor Pride regarding its existence, just pure hatred for everything that exists, even you, that has entered its territory.

“Something draws you into the haze. Countless flowers in the shape of a butterfly flutter and form a field of stars. A fiery heat assaults you from the haze as you lean over to pick a flower.” - Abnormality Encounter.

Though, if you are able to destroy its wings or remove its “core” during its mid-combat Event, its wrath stops suddenly, since you have taken away the fuel of its flames… but not forever. No matter what you do, Ardor Blossom Moth will keep on accumulating hate until it can burn down everything that surrounds it, even—or especially—itself.

The moth is no more than a lost soul that wishes to end everything. You can’t help it beyond just ignoring it and following your path. Or, if you want to take the risk, go and drown it in sorrows, cut its wings; it may not be 100% effective, but it sure is a better option than feeding its flames through a hug, lest you think you are able to withstand its unending hatred that created its own hell.

Maybe watching from a distance is safer, no matter how warm and comforting the fire—the hate—looks.

The Spiral of Contempt

“Blood pours from above; the land of gold lies beyond. The spiral ahead loudly screeches. It must have reached this depth after burrowing and burrowing. Although it has no eyes, it creaks to face you.” - Abnormality Encounter.

A land of gold and blood. Those are the defining traits of the Spiral’s world, and they are extremely easy to understand: a land of luxury, pleasure, and loftiness built over the sacrifice of endless bloodshed. After all, the Spiral only reached it after burrowing so, so much, but in what it burrows if not in the human’s soul?

“You continue to stare at its peculiar movements with yearning eyes. It feels as though spirals of spikes are digging into your head.” - Abnormality Encounter.

It sacrifices those who look with awe at its golden shape, those who adore it with fervor. Yet, the Spiral can’t detest them more, wrapping its spines and branches around its “adorers” in order to make them worship it with their blood. That’s the reason behind both the unique death animation of the Sinners and of its new EGO gift, “Awe”—as if it wanted people to be envious of its “magnanimity”, even in death.

However, its prideful nature isn’t anything new. Each of its descriptions never fails to mention its “faceless look” of contempt against everyone. But it would be too simple for its arrogance to be born out of economic difference, wouldn't it? All of its attacks point to an impersonality in things, maybe even some sort of “objectivity”, as if it was the good thing to do: the Spiral is so superior to you that it must hate you. I think the name of its theme puts the final nail in the coffin: Cur Dolorem Sentis—Why do you, wretched things, dare to feel pain?

But as in everything I’ve written, the Spiral’s pride isn’t absolute. Quite the contrary: it’s quite frail, because it forgives you once you choose to avert your eyes in its Encounter, be it thanks to your own (self-)hatred or despair, unable to think of yourself as worthy to look at it. That, paradoxically, leads it to show respect for “a being of no significance” in the form of its EGO gift, making it hate itself.

Such fragility is also shown in its passives, “Compounded Contempt” and “Penetrated Gaze”, that make it more vulnerable the more status the Sinners put on it, the more “filth” that penetrates it and makes it hate them even more. The status of “Gaze” and “Contempt” are important in this context too, which are explained by the Observation Log #3:

“We've been missing its logic and pattern this whole time. There’s a specific window where it grabs us if we attack its hands. At first, I thought it was just plucking us one by one, like plucking weeds from a garden… going for the most annoying one of us. You see the logic, right? If you could squash anything getting in your way into tomato paste, wouldn’t you?”

The “Gaze” status, thus, refers to the Spiral giving the Sinners more attention (than it thinks they deserve) until it has enough and intimidates the Sinners through sheer “Contempt” alone. However, if that ID with Contempt is “Grasped” by its only Pride skill, “It Shall Constrict”, then you can show it the truth: that no matter how much contempt it holds for others and tries to crush them to show how superior it is, the Spiral is just as small, pathetic, and fallible as everyone else.

“A piercing gaze sizes us up. It feels as though the Gaze is seeing right through us. You feel its inquisitive, intense gaze.” - Mid-Combat Event.

What is that “Gaze” that sizes the Sinners up? I don’t really know. But I think it is may be the Spiral’s very own gaze, with the Sinners finally returning the contempt and hatred, burrowing deep into its essence so it won’t ever forgive its humiliation.

“It seemed dazed for a good while, too. And that’s when we managed to really hurt it. Mmm… still, we have to let it gaze at us with that weird look if we wanna pull off something like that again.” - Rodya, Abnormality’s Observation Log #3.

Though, as always, if the Sinner isn’t familiar with the sensations and power they want to transmit to the Spiral, it’ll return the favor with utter Contempt.

Now, it’s also important to keep in mind that its “Gaze” can be forgotten if it uses “And It Shall Contempt All”, drowned by its pleasure and satisfaction derived from seeing the Sinners bleed like the lowly maggots they are. Its other Lust skills follow a similar principle: the Spiral is ecstatic at seeing the Sinners bleed through “It Shall Penetrate”, and “It Shall Shun” becomes stronger once it sees the Sinners are unable to break its “Grasp”.

In regards to the other two skills, “It Shall Grip” is the less interesting: It “grips” the Sinners and other people because that is what it has been doing for a long time, and thus nothing special. But “It Shall Be Insidious”... That one is interesting because it implies its hatred wasn’t abrupt; it slowly grew through its continuous burrowing until it reached the heights we see in the games. After all, it’s called “Spiral of Contempt” for a reason.

And maybe that “spiral” is within you too.

“From the excavated brain, geysers of hatred and contempt erupt.  It’s as if those feelings were inside you all along." - Abnormality Encounter.

Hatred for something from the get-go is not possible, or at least not for most cases. It’s something that piles up gradually, experience upon experience, until a trigger appears and your brain is blown into smithereens—burrowing so slowly until you reach the “land of gold”, the perfect utopia for you.

But alas, you shouldn’t construct a city upon the blood of those that hate or adore you, or you will one day confront that very same gaze that you imparted unto others. And no matter what you do, how much contempt you hold for them and expose every single one of their flaws with your “omniscient gaze”, they will drag you once and for all.

Everyone dreams of toppling the tyrant. You are no exception.

[ashlynniis-bracketeers]

DeviantArt - r/memeframe - r/TheOdysseyHadAPurpose - r/LimbusCompany

Something that was meant to be a quick, low-effort meme that got very out of hand the second I started drawing the SoC's head rofl.

The only reason I made this is because my brain decided to connect Duviri's "Emotional Spirals" and the name of an Abnormality from Limbus Company dubbed the "Spiral of Contempt". In other words: String-and-corboard brain did a Funny.

Trying to get the SoC's head shape down was a pain in the ass, the only references I have are the in-game idles and the background art for Ryoshu's Contempt, Awe E.G.O, both of which are at funny angles with parts obstructed. And yet again, I have no clue how lighting/shading metal works lmao.

I hope you like it!

[josieblueart]

Cur Dolorem Sentis

Sort of experimental piece with a human version of Spiral of Contempt, why’d they gotta be such a bitch.

[fujoshiwarrior]

rodion you gotta do something she's devouring you

[nostalgia-tblr]

i wish we didnt call it thoshei i get that it's about the best we can do for a smushed-up pairing name but - hear me out - a combined pairing name that uses neither character's actual name just... isn't? especially when the names they do use for themselves and each other are such a Thematic Thing? so it's like. the worst possible pairing name we could be using for this pairing?

[gygesiv]

railway final boss meet cute

[perpetual-pathos]

@ivrket

Tag yourself as this list of “bad art” features, according to a twitter fascist

[acid-ixx]

mild spoilers for chapter six for my series again &. again, but i really feel the need to ramble about this, and i'd love to hear anybody's opinion on this hehe.

as i write outline chapter six (and write for chapter five), i'd like to say i couldn't wait to write the reader's face reveal in bruce's perspective. and it's not just angst, for me, this plays a very pivotal turn for the series— because bruce will spiral to insanity.

to never once see a single portrait of your second youngest child, whose presence has long been erased from the manor, not a single image, nor trace of you is sickening to the heart, even if he scours through the internet day and night for a single memoir of you, nothing— but to find your portrait in alfred's living quarters and seeing you for the first time in forever? graduating a milestone no less?

god, he's in for a ride just analyzing every aspect of your physical appearance.

the color of your eyes, the shape of your nose, the quip of your mouth, the fat in your cheeks; even the length of your lashes! god, does he brand it into the deepest parts of his mind to never forget you anymore. his pearl, his treasure.

the longer he stares, the more he notices and gazes even more, obsessive as he stands lonesome in the room with every bone in his body locking up, his eyes unable to look away from the portrait that showcases his baby child.

and there, there it is that he concludes a detail so small it's unrecognizable for someone who's seen it for his entire life; yet it's all the same triggered deranged emotions deep within him.

— you don't just share him and your mother's traits, no, your smile is also reminiscent of his mother's.

martha wayne, who'd died in his arms, laying in a pool of her blood with a bullet grazed deep inside her body. his loving mother, who caressed his face whenever he'd cry from his nightmares, who'd shown him motherly love that until now he still craves.

she died with her pearl necklace that once decorated her porcelain neck spilling to the ground and stained with crimson.

you wore pearl earrings on your graduation.

the thought alone is enough for him to just snap.

this? this is the child that he's been neglecting far too long? who shares the same, loving expression of his mother's? his child? not even a single memory could be conjured with you but fantasies now do. if your happiest moments were within the picture frame that he holds with shivering fingers at present; could your smile be any wider if you'd be with him?

how come he never once noticed? why is bruce always destined to fail left and right? why, just why is he brimming with jealousy for all the people who must've seen your smile before him, and contempt for himself that he was never there to pick you up from the police station beforehand?

bruce isn't a heckler for favoritism, but a darker part of him is motivated to take you away from wherever you are, and to never let anybody else witness his beautiful, little treasure.

he's gotham's knight, first and foremost. but he's a father, too, with goals to protect his children just like a father should.

and the things he'd do for you, his child, now? anything.

if it means he has to see that smile, then he'll turn the world upside-down.

he has to protect your smile.

[projectmoon-smash-or-pass]

propaganda:

✅️ "Spiral of Contempt would be pretty wild to smash. Imagine its utter disdain and loathing as you blow its back out. Like a hatefuck but actually satisfying and you just KNOW them hands gonna do some work on ya."

[bbydoll18xx]

She’s Such a Good Girl (Part 2)

Paige continues her assault on your innocence, leading you to spiral.

Paige Bueckers x reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Themes: angst in the beginning, Paige being hot and flirty the rest of it woohoo, mentions of being horny oops

Part 1 - You move in across the hall from Paige Bueckers. It doesn’t take long before she tries to shatter your innocent persona. And you just let her.

Masterlist

A/N: I’m so, so grateful for all the love on the first part of this little mini series. Let me know if you are up for a third part:)) I have soo many ideas it's ridiculous

~

You wake up feeling anything but well rested. Your sleep was muddled with dreams of Paige, her smile infiltrating your unconsciousness until you woke up with an uncomfortable stickiness in between your thighs. You groan into your pillow, the general overwhelmingness of last night draining you even more.

Grabbing your phone from your bedside table, you see a text from Paige, and the butterflies erupt inside of you once more. 

‘We’re all planning on going out tonight. You’re coming with us.’

Her bluntness momentarily stuns you, but you were grateful to be included. It seemed she was hell bent on getting you out of your shell, for whatever reason, and you were simply just going to concede. You needed this.

You respond, your heart beating out of your chest, and the anxiety begins to set in. 

It was getting harder and harder to deny the gay feelings you had. And although it had been years since your “oh shit, I’m gay,” moment had dawned on you, this was reaching new heights of awareness. But you had refused to truly accept it thus far.

You had a complicated relationship with your sexuality. Most of the time you had shied away from even acknowledging it; it was too painful. In high school, you were surrounded by other gay people, and it felt like you almost belonged, slowly coming to terms with your sapphism. But as you moved away to college, you were the only one in your friend group who was even a little remotely queer, and you felt isolated by your glaring differences. 

Your religious upbringing did not help the situation either. You quickly learned how to hide your emotions. Slurs were regularly thrown around the dinner table, the nasty words cutting into your being, and your fists would be tightening in your lap, fighting to keep a neutral expression on your face.

You could not give yourself away.

As soon as you could, you’d seek solace in your room, hot, shameful tears sliding down your cheeks, forcing yourself to quiet the sobs erupting through your chest. The words of contempt echoed through your mind, until eventually you had nearly come to believe them yourself. 

Each evening you clasped your hands together desperately in prayer, vehemently struggling with everything you had been raised to know and everything you wanted and needed to feel. It was an eternal battle that raged on inside, slowly withering you into a ghost, haunted by the darkness that had flourished in the absence of support and acceptance.

You wondered what the people who had claimed to love and know you the most, would do if they found out about your dirty, little secret. The anxieties about being outed manifested in cruel dreams, awakening you suddenly, a thin layer of sweat glistening on your body as your chest rose and fell in quick staccato breaths. 

That was something you still wondered today. And you would certainly wonder for the rest of your life. You had vowed that you would never come out to your family unless you truly fell in love with a girl. So you had kept everyone at arm's length to protect yourself. But Paige Bueckers was slowly breaking your walls down, brick by brick. 

A wave of nausea washes over you as you realize that getting closer to Paige meant toying the line of the false heteronormative persona you’ve been carefully crafting since you were a young teenager. The temptation of feeling normal in a group of girls quickly shuts down any immediate worries. That was a problem for another time. 

You hear your roommates in the living room, bustling around without having any idea of your internal battle. With a sigh, you drag yourself out of bed to go out to meet them, already preparing for the deafening noises that would inevitably come with telling them of last night's events. 

You open your door, nearly shuffling your feet against the carpet as you walk out to greet Taylor and Sarah. Their heads turn from the focus on the television, faces set in smiles as they see you emerge from your room.

“Guess what I did last night?” You prompt them, and their faces morph into ones of natural curiosity. 

“Did you read your class syllabuses to get a head start?” Sarah asks sarcastically, and you stick your tongue out at her in false derision. 

“No,” you scoff, although her guess was not completely off base. “I went over and hung out with Paige and the rest of the team.”

Taylor and Sarah were uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. They glanced at each other, momentarily stunned before erupting in hollers, jumping to their feet in excitement. 

“How the fuck did that happen?” Taylor all but yells, still jumping up and down. It was a good thing you did not have downstairs neighbors.

“Well they were being so loud, and I wanted to go to bed, so I knocked on the door to politely ask them to shut up,” you explain, trying to hide the giddiness you felt as you recalled the events of last night.

“And Paige answered and invited me in. And now I’m going out with her and the team tonight,” you finish, carefully watching the reactions of your two best friends. 

Their faces were morphed into ones of sheer delight and astonishment.

“My innocent, little angel is growing up,” Taylor exclaims, pretending to wipe a tear from her eye, and you swat at her, giggling at the sheer hilarity of the situation.

“What am I supposed to wear to a bar?” You ask, and the girls shriek in laughter, clapping their hands and promising to help you get dressed later.

You feel better about everything, the support from your roommates briefly quelling the fears and uncertainties that had plagued your mind for years. And your excitement was a testimony to the effect a certain blonde had on you.

~

“You’ve got great tits. Might as well show them off,” Sarah says exasperatedly, shoving one of her low cut tops at you.

Your face heats up, and you hold up the tiny tank top. “Don’t you think it’s a little, I don’t know, slutty?” Your voice trails to a whisper as you think about purposely showing off your body. 

“That’s the point, girl! It’s finally your time to show everyone what you’re fucking made of. Go be a sexy, bad bitch!” Taylor urges, slapping you on the butt as she does.

You take a deep breath, nodding in agreement, finally pushing yourself further away from the perfect, good girl act that had been placed upon you since you were a child. 

You don the skimpy black tank, admiring the way it shows off your slim waist, and you pair it with tight jeans that accentuate the curve of your ass perfectly. You fluff your hair and add a layer of lip gloss, before taking one last long glance in the mirror.

You could do this.

With a few encouraging words from your roommates and a few slaps to your ass, you nervously make your way across the hall to knock once more on Paige’s door. The door is thrown open, loud cheers erupting as you appear, and KK launches herself at you excitedly, throwing her arms around you and pulling you into her. 

Giggling, you hug her back, your nerves melting away at her friendly disposition. She pulls away, eyeing you up and down with an approving nod. “Someone cooked here,” she smirks, and your face blooms an embarrassing shade of deep red.

“My roommates kind of helped me get dressed,” you admit, hands tugging down your impossibly small shirt. 

“Girl, you look fineee,” she says, rubbing her hands together, causing several of the other girls to cackle at her not so subtle attempt to rizz you up.

“Who looks fine?” you hear a familiar voice, and your head whips in the direction of the question. You see Paige sauntering towards you, and your heart immediately begins to pound as your eyes rake over her tall figure. 

Her hair was down in blonde waves, making you want to reach out and run your hand through the soft-looking locks. Her toned stomach was exposed from her crop top, her abs flashing in a way that had your stomach rolling with an unfamiliar feeling. You couldn’t necessarily put your finger on it, but it shot down in an intense display of unbridled want. And she had the smuggest look on her face, accentuating the plumpness of her bottom lip. Your tongue subconsciously darts out to lick a slow line against your own lip as you watch her approach you.

KK points at you, waggling her eyebrows. “The pretty princess over here.” 

You blush again. Shit, you really had to get that under control. 

Paige hums, looking you up and down once more. “She’s not wrong,” she mutters huskily in your ear as she pulls you in for a hug. Your knees weaken at her touch, and you aren't sure if you’d be able to survive the night. It had just begun, and she had you completely and irrevocably fucked. 

30 minutes later, you, Paige, and the other members of UCONN’s women’s basketball team were shuffling into several ubers to head to a nearby bar. Unsure of which car to get into, you awkwardly stand off to the side, the anxiety pumping through your veins once more, but you soon feel a muscular arm wrap around your waist.

Looking up, you are met with Paige’s blue eyes and that smug smirk, and with a wink, she guides you to the nearest car, helping you into the backseat. As you sit, you adjust your top, overly aware of how much of your chest was actually out. Paige sits next to you, settling in with a low grunt, and she immediately places a hand on your thigh. Your eyes focus on the veins and the length of her fingers, and that feeling in your belly ignites again. 

As you arrive at the bar, Paige helps you out of the car with a chivalrous hand. And it does not leave yours as you enter the doors. She laces her fingers through yours, and you don’t miss the way it feels so damn right. She guides you through the crowds of people, and your breath hitches, feeling slightly overwhelmed from the volume and the hoards of drunk people pushing into your frame. 

Paige notices immediately, and she pulls you closer, tucking you into her side protectively. You preen at the attention, the feeling so foreign but addictive. You needed more, and the idea of it ripped away from you sent an unsettling spike of dread shooting through you maliciously. 

Subtly, you shake your head in a futile attempt to clear the thoughts out of your head. Overthinking was sure to be your downfall. Nothing a little alcohol couldn’t fix, though.

Aside from the occasional glass of wine, you had never really drank. And you certainly had never done shots. But when Nika and Aubrey had thrusted a tray of them towards where you and Paige were sitting, you were quick to grab one, eager to dull the bitter voices in your head. 

You bring it to your face, taking a hesitant sniff that causes your nose to wrinkle, eliciting a fond chuckle from the blonde. “Do I just sip it or…?” You trail off shyly, suddenly very aware of how ridiculous you sounded. What kind of college girl didn’t know how to take a shot?

Paige bites her lip. “Lemme help you, baby,” she mutters in your ear, and she takes the shot out of your hand. “Breathe all of the air out and then swallow it all at once before you take another breath, okay?” 

You nod, letting the air leave your mouth, lips pouting. Without her gaze leaving your mouth, Paige holds up the shot glass, pouring the liquid down your throat in a swift motion. 

You swallow quickly, feeling the burn slide down your throat and settle into a warm pool in your belly. You lick your lips, trying to catch a tiny drop that had slid past your mouth and trailed down your chin towards your neck. 

Before you can chase the trickle, Paige leans in, swiping it with her thumb, placing it into her mouth and sucking, her cheeks hollowing in the process. 

Your face morphs into a look of shock, and she gives you a shit-eating grin. The effect she had on you was something out of a book you spent many lonely nights immersing yourself in. And now that you were living in the crystal clear reality, you regretted not getting out of your shell a little sooner. 

“Can I do another?” You ask, already looking at the tray where a few shots still remained. 

Paige laughs. “Maybe wait a few, princess. The alcohol will kick in soon,” she promises. “You can share mine,” she gestures to her drink, and you don’t miss the way the pet name rolls off her tongue effortlessly. 

Paige was not lying when she had told you that the effects would soon hit you. Before you could even start to feel uncomfortable, a delicious easiness fell over you, loosening you up in a way you had never experienced before. You reach for Paige’s straw once more, pretending that her mouth was not just on it, and you relish in the sweet liquid adding to your tipsiness.

Paige had stayed close all night, similarly to the night before, and you were grateful for her constant presence anchoring you. The other girls took turns dancing with you, showering you with compliments and making future plans. Even through the haze of the alcohol, your heart felt as if it could burst; they were all so nice, and for the first time in a long time, you felt like you actually belonged. 

The night flies by, and as it does, you and Paige get more and more touchy. Her hands took turns between trailing down your back and resting heavily on your hips. She played with a lock of your hair, twisting it in her fingers as you swayed to the music, and she was constantly gazing at you through heavy lids, pupils blown from the darkness of the bar and pure want.

Emboldened by the drinks that had graced your lips, you don’t shy away, and before you know it, you’re leaning in closer, intoxicated by more than just the liquor. The bustling crowds and excessive noise surrounding you melts away as Paige grips your waist, pulling you closer into her. 

Your heart pounds at her proximity. She reaches up, cradling your jaw and stroking the soft skin of your neck with her thumb. You wonder if she can feel the thumping of your carotid, but you’re too enthralled in her presence to even care. Her eyes flit between your own and your slightly parted lips. Everything felt so fucking delicate, as if one small move would break everything. 

“Been thinkin’ about doin’ this all night,” she whispers, and pulls you into a kiss.

All the air is sucked out of you as her lips touch yours. And while you are momentarily stunned, it does not take long before yours are moving against her in a delicious exchange of passion. All worries of not being a good kisser leave your mind as Paige moans against your mouth, the sound shooting straight down your belly and to your pussy. Her tongue moves against you, and the feel of it does not help the slick now accumulating in your panties. 

The kiss eventually ends, much to your displeasure, and as you pull away, a giggle erupts from your mouth at the insanity of it all.

You had just kissed Paige Bueckers.

“OOH, P is fucking whipped!” KK shouts over the music, enthusiastically high-fiving Ice and Nika. 

Fuck, you were caught. 

But little did KK know, is that you were pretty fucking whipped, too. With one smooth move, Paige had broken down all your walls, and you were surrounded by the bricks of your carefully crafted innocence shattered around you at your feet. And maybe you could blame it on the alcohol, but you were pretty sure that if Paige made you anything less of a good girl, you were certainly okay with that. 

~

Part 3 - You get drunk off Paige, and confessions come out.

Part 4 - Paige makes you feel so good.

Part 5 - Paige shows you her strap.

Part 6 - Your newfound fascination with Paige's abs leads to some fun.

The beginning hits a little too close to home I’m so sorry I blacked out while writing it. It’s been almost 9 years since I realized I had feelings for girls, and I still struggle every day with accepting myself. To all the readers who are going through the same thing, I love you, and here’s to hoping things get better. If you ever want to reach out, my inbox is always open.

xoxo katy