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serial-designation-jey · 3 months ago

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ALRIGHT YOU GUYS ASKED FOR THIS!

MURDER DRONES INCORRECT QUOTES, 38 PAGES WORTH, THE SHIPS ARE NUZI, DIZZY AND OILROSE. THIS WAS MADE LIKE A WEEK AFTER EPISODE 6 RELEASED. BE PREPARED THIS WILL BE LONG.

**Thad:** We call that a traumatic experience.

**Thad, turning to Uzi:** Not a "bruh moment".

**Thad, turning to J:** Not "sadge".

**Thad, turning to V:** And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

**Lizzy:** *lying down and crying*

**V:** There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this?

**V:** Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

**N:** All the time.

**V:** Then you should be used to it by now.

**Uzi:** You need a hobby.

**V:** I have a hobby!

**Uzi:** Fawning over J isn’t a hobby.

**N:** How do you connect with a fictional character?

**Thad:** What?

**Doll:** что? (What?)

**Lizzy:** What?

**Uzi:** *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

**Doll:** Иногда я разговариваю сам с собой без причины. (Sometimes i talk to myself.)

**Doll:** Я тоже! (Me too!)

**Lizzy:** How do I tell Doll that I want them to yell at me like they're Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?

**Doll:** Uzi просто сказал: «У меня есть тяга к разрушению», а затем они нагнулись и развязали мой ботинок. (Uzi just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.)

**Uzi:** I will send my army to attack!

**Uzi:** *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

**J:** What kinds of sounds annoy you?

**N:** Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?

**J, now interested:** Lets say imaginary.

**N:** Spiders wearing flip-flops.

**Lizzy:** Ow!

**Doll:** В чем дело? (What’s wrong?)

**Lizzy:** I have this weird pain right behind my visor.

**Doll:** Это называется стрессовая головная боль. Я получил свой первый, когда мне было четыре года. (It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.)

**N:** J, you’re mean!

**J:** What did you say?

**N:** You heard me!

**J, internally:** And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said.

**Thad:** Why are you two always out during snowstorms?

**N:** It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of snow.

**Uzi:** V bet me I couldn’t get struck by lightning, but she’s WRONG.

**Doll:** Так когда же мы им расскажем? (So when are we gonna tell them? )

**Lizzy:** Just give her a minute.

**Uzi:** *Pulling on a door that clearly says push.*

**Lizzy:** Hey! Wanna hear a joke?

**Doll:** Конечно. (Sure.)

**Lizzy:** Your life!

**Doll:** На самом деле моя жизнь — не шутка, шутки имеют смысл. (Actually, my life isn’t a joke, jokes have meaning.)

**Lizzy:** Doll, no.

**Tessa:** Keep it running. *Tosses keys over shoulder into empty parking lot.*

*The Squad cleaning up*

**Thad:** Pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away.

**Lizzy, to Uzi:** Aight, which bin do you wanna go in—

**Doll:** Я не был настолько пьян от масла. (I wasn’t that drunk on oil.)

**Lizzy:** You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.

**Doll:** ПОТОМУ ЧТО ВЫ ЕСТЬ! (BECAUSE YOU ARE!)

*When a child starts crying in public*

**N:** *tries to make the child laugh*

**Doll:** *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down*

**Lizzy:** *gives [bad] detailed instructions to the parents*

**Thad:** *cries with the child*

**V:** *ignores the child*

**Uzi:** *is the reason why the child is crying*

**Lizzy:** Why are we friends?

**V:** Poor decisions on your part.

**Uzi:** So, are you two dating now?

**J and V:** Yes.

**Uzi:** Why?

**J:** I happen to find V very appealing.

**Uzi:** Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with V.

**Uzi:** When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “Woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why N made me get tested.

**J:** Is something burning?

**V, leaning seductively on the counter:** Just my desire for you.

**J:** V, the toaster is literally on fire.

**J**: When I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

**N**: What changed?

**J**: Now I know you’re a fake bitch.

**J, passing their phone to N:** I'm passing the phone to someone, who if I had to choose between hanging out with them and having my organs removed one by one, I’d choose the organs.

**N, passing the phone back to J:** I'm passing the phone to my best friend!

**Uzi:** Two brooooos!

**N:** Chillin' in a hot tub!

**Uzi:** Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!

**N:**

**Uzi:**

**N:** *tearing up*

**Uzi:** Babe, c'mon...

**N:** AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.

**Uzi:** Babe...

**Uzi:** sapnu puaS.

**Thad:** What??

**N:** What language is that?

**Uzi:** Turn your phone 180 degrees.

*Uzi was removed from the group chat*

**V:** At this point I have to confess… I started to feel a little bad for Doll. Maybe it was the fact that I had just outperformed them at their own game, or maybe it was that I held an obvious advantage over the poor bastard. Maybe it was just that unbearable to look into their eyes. Either way, I started to wonder if maybe this was a pointless endeavor after all. What was I doing to this person? What was I trying to prove? Was this really some grand, noble quest, to tear an overconfident fraud from their unearned throne? To show everyone that I was right. That Doll did not deserve to stand at that zenith, to lord over all their lowly competitors. Or… perhaps… was I really just doing this for myself? Beating an opponent within an inch of their life over and over and over again… all for my own petty ego. All to fill this emptiness inside of me. I asked myself, was Doll really the bad guy? Or was it me, all along?

**V:** But then I remembered that Doll ain’t shit, and I got over it!

*Bullying Prevention Day at school*

**Teacher:** Uzi, what would you do if one of your classmates viciously teased you again and again?

**Uzi:** Oh, that’s easy. I’d take a pencil out of my pencil case—

**Teacher:** To write something to your teacher?

**Uzi:** —make sure that it’s really sharp, and ram it into their eye at full tilt! My mom always said the pencil is mightier than the sword because they can’t outlaw bringing pencils to school!

**Teacher:** *internal screaming*

**V:** This bloodline ends with me.

**Uzi:** That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

**V:** How’s practice going?

**Lizzy:** Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.

**V:** Okay, just don’t get any oil on your clothes.

**Lizzy:** …you shouldn’t be condoning this.

**V:** Don’t tell me how to live my life.

**Uzi, singing:** I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

**Lizzy:** A mom.

**J:** A better love life.

**V:** Mental stability.

**N:** *clueless* Bagels?

**Doll:** Люди всегда отвергают мои идеи, и мне это надоело. Два предложения, и все всегда кричат: «Какого черта? это незаконно!» и «Ты не можешь этого сделать!». Мол, давай, дай мне поговорить! (People always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone’s always shouting “What the fuck? That’s illegal!” and “You can’t do that!”. Like, c'mon, let me talk!)

**V:** How was your day, Lizzy?

**Lizzy:** Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.

**V:** Oh? And what does that mean?

**Lizzy:** It means I can't bully Uzi for a whole week.

**V:** J annoyed me today so I told them that I can’t wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.

**Uzi:** There is nothing special about tomorrow.

**V:** But there is something special about watching the color leave their eyes as panic takes over.

**Lizzy, to Doll:** You wanna fight? All right, let’s take this outside. The stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. Here, hold my hand—

**Doll:** Не могу поверить, что в моем свидетельстве о рождении написано Ф… (I can’t believe my birth certificate says F... )

**Doll:** ...Как я не родился? (...How did I fail being born?)

**Uzi:** *About to do something incredibly stupid*

**N:** I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

**Doll, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl:** Я убил парня, и мне это понравилось- (I killed a guy, and I liked it- )

**Lizzy, whispering:** Should we call the exorcist?

**Uzi, also singing:** The taste of his cherry chapstick.

**V, appalled:** Call the exorcist.

**Uzi:** Guys… the principal just called—

**Rebecca:** It was Lizzy!

**Lizzy:** It was Braiden!

**Braiden:** It was Thad!

**Thad:** It was me!

**Uzi:** I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate, or malewife our way out of it this time.

**V:** *cracks knuckles* Manslaughter it is!

**J:** You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "Huh.."

**V:** I saw you.

**J:** Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of Tessa in a turkey costume.

**N:** Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

**V:** Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Lizzy, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

**N:** You're a bad influence.

**V:** And you don't know your sayings.

**Uzi:** Is stabbing someone immoral?

**Lizzy:** Not if they consent to it.

**V:** Depends on who you’re stabbing.

**N:** YES??!!?

**V:** The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

**Doll:** Хотите чего-нибудь выпить? (Would you like something to drink?) *They open the fridge* У нас есть вода, молоко, сок, тараканы, Доктор Пеппер- (We have water, milk, juice, cockroaches, Dr. Pepper-)

**Lizzy:** Cockroaches?

**Doll:** Тараканы это тогда. (Cockroaches it is then.)

**Lizzy:** No, that wasn’t-

*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of cockroaches*

**V:** How long do you think it'll take?

**J:** I don’t know, three or four.

**Uzi:** Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?

**V:** Yeah, maybe five.

**Uzi:** Five what?!

*J Driving and taking V and N along for the ride*

**N:** That's a pothole. To the left!

**J:** Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*

**V, sticking their face into the front over the center console:** Cha Cha real smooth.

**J:** I don't think that's how the song goes.

**N, crying and gripping the handle:** Please just take me home.

**J:** Country Roads.

**V:** To the place.

**J and V in unison:** I Belong!

**N, crying harder:** What the fuck?

*J and V are in a mirror maze*

**J, seeing V:** C'mon, you got it! Almost through!

**V:** Oh! I see you! *runs straight into a mirror, shattering it*

**J:** *Cries laughing*

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

**Lizzy:** I love me too.

**V:** Oh no.

**N:** *cries* I love you too.

**Uzi:** Sounds fake, but okay.

**J:** *A flustered mess*

**Thad:** Can I get a refund?

**V:** It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

**Doll:** Я думаю, мой ангел-хранитель пьет. (I think my guardian angel drinks.)

**Thad:** Hey, Lizzy? Can I get some dating advice?

**Lizzy:** Just because I'm with Doll doesn't mean I know how I did it.

**N:** There is no i in happyness…

**J:** There is if you fucking spell it right.

**Uzi:** We are gathered here today because someone- *glares at V’s coffin* -couldn’t stay alive!

**Lizzy:** Would you take a bullet for me?

**Doll:** …да? (...yes?)

*Uzi angrily bursts into the room*

**Lizzy:** *running away* Great, thanks!

**N:** You know, I really wish you’d just admit you made a mistake sometimes.

**V, stirring their coffee:** I prefer it with salt.

**Uzi:** Are you okay?

**N, crying:** Yeah, it was just the onions.

**Uzi:** *Picks up an onion* What the fuck did you say to N?

**Thad:** Do you support gay rights?

**Doll:** Я буквально гей. (I’m literally gay.)

**Uzi:** They’re avoiding the question!

**N:** Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

**V:** Please, just say fuck.

**Lizzy:** Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie-

**Thad:** Eyy, homie!

**Uzi:** But then there's cootie...

**J:** Die.

**Uzi:** Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses? Like if horses weren’t a thing, drones would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

**V:** Elephants.

**Uzi:** Blocked.

**J:** Camels.

**Uzi:** Extra blocked.

**N:** Donkeys.

**Uzi:** Ultra blocked.

**Lizzy:** That dick.

**Uzi:** ...Followed.

**N:** Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute drone but I'm not!

**V:** N, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday.

**N:** It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it!

**J:** ...It was a bug.

**N:** It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not!

**V:** ...

**J:** ...

**N:** Stop looking at me like that!

**Uzi:** I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born.

**J:** Aw... that's not true.

**J:** It'd be exactly the same.

**J:** You're not important.

**V, admiring a sleeping J:** You’re so cute.

**J, sleepily:** I could beat your ass.

**V, lovingly:** I know.

**Lizzy:** I know how this must look but I can assure you we have a perfectly logical explanation.

**Thad:** Yeah! We’re cowards!

**Lizzy**: Thad- no.

**V:** Stay foxy.

**J:** Die lonely.

**Lizzy, filling out legal paperwork:** Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

**V:** Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

**J:** I personally was created in a lab.

**Uzi:** I just straight up spawned lol.

**V:** Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

**V:** Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

**Lizzy:** *Pulls a glass of water from out of nowhere*

**Doll:** Где ты достала это? (Where did you get that?)

**Lizzy:** My pocket.

**Doll:** Как держать стакан воды в кармане? (How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?)

**Lizzy:** Skills.

**Lizzy:** How are you today?

**Doll:** Пожалуйста, не заставляй меня думать о своей жизни. (Please don’t make me think about my life.)

Here’s a bunch of shipping ones that I got:

**Uzi:** My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful, and organized.

**N:** *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

**Uzi:** That one. I want that one.

**Uzi:** Hey, J, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

**J:** uh. Yeah. why.

**Uzi:** And you, V?

**V:** Umm... yes?

**Uzi:** Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

**V:** Did she just-

**N:** Are you ready to commit?

**Uzi:** Like a crime or a relationship?

**N:** Crushes are the worst. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid.

**Uzi:** You always act stupid.

**Uzi:**

**Uzi:** Wait...

**J:** Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

**V:** Oh. We're going out?

**J:** Wh...

**V:** I want to kiss you.

**J, not paying attention:** What?

**V:** I said if you die, I won't miss you.

**J:** Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

**V:** I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting crazy.

**J:** But you’re always acting crazy?

**V:** ...

**V:** Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

**Doll:** Кем ты хочешь быть на Хэллоуин? (What do you want to be for Halloween?)

**Lizzy:** Yours.

**Doll:** …

**Doll:** …да, это было бы довольно страшно. (…yeah, that would be pretty scary.)

End of MAJOR shipping section

**Thad:** I was arrested for being too cool.

**Lizzy:** The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

**J, when V walks in:** Oh, hey, I'm just storing oil.

**J:** *“accidentally” smacks N in the face with a worker’s arm*

**N:** Anyone wanna play cards?

**J:**Sure, anyone have any poker chips?

**Uzi:** Plus four.

**Thad:** Pikachu, I choose you

**V:** Go fish.

**N:** I meant rummy-

**Random worker drone:** It's gin rummy.

**Uzi:** We’ve got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without

**J:** N, probably.

**J:** I'm sorry please talk to me

**V:**

**J:** Hello? World’s most amazing drone? Sweet Pea? Company assigned partner?

**V:** Don't sweet pea me you stole my bubbles.

**J:** I'm not doing too well.

**V:** Are you okay?

**J:** I have this headache that comes and goes

**N:** *enters the room*

**J:** There it is again!

**J:** I CAN'T DO IT!

**V, laughing:** I CAN'T EITHER!

**J:** I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

**N:** WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

**J:**

**J:** I appreciate it,

**J:** BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

**Doll:** J-

**J:** YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

**Lizzy:** J we gotta-

**J:** YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

**J:** YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

**J, motioning to Uzi:** NOT FUCKING THIS

'Can I copy the homework?'

**N:** I can help you with it!

**Uzi:** Yeah, sure.

**V:** Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

**J:** lol nope.

**Lizzy:** We had homework?

**Doll:** *Read 5:55pm*

**J:** We need to distract these guys **V:** Leave it to me **V:** Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. **Thad, Uzi, and Lizzy:** *Immediately begin arguing* **N, watching in horror:** Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

**V:** Time for plan G. **J:** Don’t you mean plan B? **V:** No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. **Uzi:** What about plan D? **V:** Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. **N:** What about plan E? **V:** I’m hoping not to use it. J dies in plan E. **Uzi:** I like plan E.

**J:** If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. **N:** What if it bites me and it dies!? **V:** Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, N, learn to listen. **Uzi:** What if it bites itself and I die? **N:** That’s voodoo. **Lizzy:** What if it bites me and someone else dies? **J:** That’s correlation, not causation. **Uzi:** What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? **V:** That’s kinky. **J:** Oh my God.

OILROSE SECTION because im running out of ideas and i love them a lot

**J:** Here's some advice

**V:** I didn't ask for any

**J:** Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

**V:** *Stabs their leg with tail* FUCK!

**J:** Language!

**V:** What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”???

**J:**

**V:** You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

*J:* You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

**V, drinking toast:** Why do you say that?

**V:** So are we flirting right now?

**J:** I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU??

**V:** That doesn’t answer my question.

**V:** Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

**J:** You and me.

**V, tearing up:** Okay.

**V:** .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- (I’M SORRY)

**J:** What's that?

**V:** Remorse code.

**J:** I'm even angrier now.

**V:** Am I in trouble?

**J:** Take a guess.

**V:** No?

**J:** Take another guess.

**J, pointing:** May I sit there?

**V:** That's my lap

**J:** That doesn't answer my question, V.

**V:** English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

**J:** You need to stop.

**J:** *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

**V:** *Out of breath* THEY PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

**J:** I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

**V:** It’s not a joke.

**V:** *sniffles*

**V:** I’m a legit snack.

**J, addressing the squad:** And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

**V:** But – that’s just a trash can.

**J:** It sure is!

**J:** Remember when we didn't try to solve all our problems with attempted murder?

**V:** Stop romanticizing the past.

**V:** I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives

**J:** I wake up at 4:30 AM

**V:**

**V:** I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

**J:** V...

**V:** Oh no, 'V' in b-flat.

**V:** You're disappointed.

**J:** petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday

**V:** Wednesay

**J:** Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible

**V:** You love me, right, J?

**J:** Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

*J and V skipping stones on a (frozen) lake*

**J:** It’s such a nice night..

**V, whispering:** Take that you fucking lake

**J:** You're right.

**V:** That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

END OF OILROSE SECTION :’( it was getting a bit too long

**J:** Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

**N:** >:O language

**Lizzy:** Yeah watch your fucking language

**V:** OKAY WHO TAUGHT LIZZY THE FUCK WORD?

**Uzi:** 'The fuck word'.

**Thad:** Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

**Lizzy:** Oh my god they censored it

**Uzi:** Say fuck, Thad.

**Lizzy:** Do it, Thad. Say fuck.

**V:** Rules are made to be broken.

**N:** They were made to be followed.Nothing is made to be broken.

**Thad:** Uh, piñatas.

**J:** Glow sticks.

**Uzi:** Karate boards.

**Lizzy:** Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

**V:** Rules.

**N:**

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

**J:** I will not let you down.

**Thad:** Sounds fun.

**V:** K.

**Uzi:** No, I'm fucking not.

**Lizzy:** Do I have to be?

**N:** Please god, I am so tired.

**Lizzy:** What are you talking about N? You love it here!

**N:** I'm not sure I do, I think I've just developed Stockholm syndrome.

**Lizzy:** See, the problem is, V, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D.

**V:** I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.

**V:** I’m so tired.

**Uzi:** Did you get to bed late?

**V:** No.

**Uzi:** Did you do something strenuous?

**V:** No.

**Uzi:** Then why are you tired?

**V:** I’m alive.

**Uzi:** Sounds exhausting.

**V:** You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

**J:** What changed your mind?

**V:** Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

**V:** Are you busy?

**J:** Yes.

**V:** Cool, listen to this...

Somebody stop me im decending into oilrose again

*V recording whilst Lizzy and Uzi are arguing*

**Lizzy:** HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!

**V:** *wheezes like a tea kettle*

**J, pulling out a knife:** I'm gonna stab them both.

**Lizzy:** YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?

**Uzi:** It's my favorite movi-

**Lizzy:** SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, UZI!

**Uzi:** I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y-

**Lizzy:** GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP!

**J:** Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.

**J:** *glares at N*

**N:** Well, sorry I have morals!

*The Squad's cooking skills*

**Doll:** *master chef*

**Lizzy:** *knows a few recipes*

**Thad:** *can follow instructions on a box*

**Uzi:** *made toast once*

**N:** *banned from the kitchen*

**Lizzy:** Why are you on fire?

**V:** This is just how my day is going.

*Lizzy and Thad are texting*

**Lizzy:** Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone.

**Thad:** What did they change my name to?

**Lizzy:** Chosen One.

**Thad:** Don’t change it back.

**Lizzy:** BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?!

**Thad:** I’m the chosen one.

**Lizzy:** In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

**N:** Wasn’t V with you?

**V:** In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

**Uzi:** Go to hell!

**J:** Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

**V, from far away:** Me too!

**Uzi:** Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

**Thad:** Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves*

**J:** If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, V!

*Neither of them dies*

**V:** …

**J:** …

**V:** So do you wanna talk about somethi-

**J:** No thank you.

**V:** J! I thought you were dead!

**J:** No, just in deep cover.

**V:** ...But it was an open casket.

**J:** It was very deep.

**J:** V, I love you and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing?

**Uzi, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that V is sitting atop:** Oh nothing much.

**V:** I love you too :)

**Uzi:** Don’t mansplain this to me!

**J:** Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!

**Uzi:** …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

**Lizzy:** Who the fuck-

**N:** Language!

**Lizzy:** Whom the fuck-

**N:** No.

**Uzi:** Is J always like this when she loses?

**V:** Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of (year).

**J:** YOU BUMPED THAT TABLE AND WE ALL KNOW IT.

**N, in a high voice, holding Barbie:** Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

**Uzi, in a deep voice, holding Ken:** Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.

**V:** What the fuck are you guys doing?

**Uzi:** Playing systemic oppression.

**J:** Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!

**V:** The mouth of a jellyfish is also an an*s.

**J:** Stop.

**Lizzy:** ARE YOU-

**Uzi:** Fucking.

**Lizzy:** KIDDING ME?! YOU-

**Uzi:** Fucking.

**Lizzy:** IDIOT!

**Thad:** …What was that?

**Uzi:** V banned Lizzy from swearing, so I’m helping her out.

**Uzi:** I hate you with every inch of my body!

**J:** That’s not a lot of inches.

**Lizzy:** You think you're smarter than everyone else.

**J:** I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

**V:** I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

**Uzi:** I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

**Tessa:** Its hard to resist, I'm really sorry- I mean, considering your approach so far, you had us tied here for- what? Hours? And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are!

**Cyn:** What are you then?

**Tessa:** I'm a Virgo! -fucking dies-

**Lizzy:** She's the girl of my dreams!

**Thad:** You say every girl is the girl of your dreams.

**Lizzy:** I have a lot of dreams.

**J:** Why am I the bad guy?

**V:** I don't know, why am I the hot one? We all have our thing.

**N:** Do you always have to attack me with your words?

**J:** Would you prefer me to use a brick?

**Thad:** Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!

**J:** With NAPALM.

**J:** Hey, wanna go hunt with me?

**V:** You have a gun in your hand. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

**J:** The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.

**J:** I will not yield.

**Thad:** What’s it like being tall?

**Uzi:** Is it nice?

**Lizzy:** Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

**N:** We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

**V, trying to comfort J:** What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

**V:** I want to be like a caterpillar.

**Uzi:** Explain.

**V:** Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

**N:** You know they have a lifespan of a week, right?

**V:**

**J:** That's just another highlight!

**Doll:** Выйди из моей комнаты (Get out of my room)

**V, standing in the doorway:** I’m not in your room.

**J:** You know, sometimes I really think I can be too straight.

**V, covered in bi merch and sipping an iced oil:** Sucks to be you.

**J:** I don't know, it's not my cup of oil.

**V:** Well then whose is it?

**J, staring at a cup of oil:** I don't know!

**Doll:** Бро, мне приснилось, что мы поцеловал. (Bro, I had a dream we kissed.)

**Lizzy:** Bro, relax it was just a dream.

**Doll:** Ха, гей, я бы тебя не целовать. (Huh, gay, I wouldn’t kiss you.)

**Lizzy:** You wouldn’t?

**Doll:** Я имею в виду, если ты не хочешь… (I mean, unless you want to-)

**Uzi:** This can’t get any worse. Can it?

**J:** Sure it can - just give me a minute.

**Uzi:** Ew. What kind of tea is this?

**J:** I boiled oil.

**V:** Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

**J:** Yes.

**V:** Which means they like both boys and girls.

**J:** Ye- wait, what-

**Uzi:** V, that's not what bilingual means-

**V:** Shhh, it's okay J. I still love you, girl.

**N and Uzi:** ...

**V:** Full homo.

**Thad:** Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?

**Lizzy:** Generic excuse.

**Thad:** I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.

**Lizzy:** I can.

**N:** Aren’t you going to say “have a nice day?”

**J:** I don’t care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

**V:** Truth or dare?

**Lizzy:** Dare.

**V:** I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.

**Lizzy:** Hey Uzi?

**Uzi:** Yeah?

**Lizzy:** Can you move? I'm trying to get to Doll.

OILROSE SECTION (again) im running out of ideas and i love them a lot

**J:** Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.

**V:** Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

**V:** Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

**J:** Okay.

**V:** And make out during the scary parts.

**J:** Th-

**J:** The scary parts.

**J:** Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

**V:** I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.

**J:** What- how?

**V:** You’d be like “come with me to hunt… Mrs. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”

**J:** *angrily presses V against a wall* WHERE'S MY JCJENSON PENS?!

**V:** ...

**V:** Are we about to kiss-

**J:** Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, V!

**V:** You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

**V:** I love you.

**J, not paying attention:** What was that?

**V:** I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

**V:** You look good in that hoodie.

**J:** You know where else I'd look good?

**V, zero hesitation, without thinking:** My bed.

**J, at the same time:** By your side- wait, what?

**V, throwing their head into J's lap:** Tell me I'm pretty!

**J, lovingly stroking their hair:** You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

**J:** Do you love me?

**V:** We’re literally married.

**J:** Yeah, but as friends or—

**J:** That was so hot, V.

**V:** I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

**J:** I'm so in love with you.

**V:** You got a date yet J?

**J:** No...

**V:** Well you do now! Get your ass up and hold my hand!

**V:** *seductively takes off glasses*

**V:** Wow...

**J:** *blushes* Haha... what?

**V:** You're really fucking blurry.

**J:** Okay, but if your not gay then why are you always holding my hand and kissing me and telling me I’m your girlfriend?

**V:** Dude- Its satire!

**J:** THAT'S NOT WHAT SATIRE MEANS!

**V:** Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

**J:** Peonies, why?

**V:**

**J:** Were you going to get me flowers?

**V:**

**J:**

**V:** ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

**J:** BE A BETTER PERSON!

**V:** WHY?!

**J:** BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

**V, to J:** We had a date!

**V:** *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*

**V arguing with J:** HOW DO I LOVE YOU?

**J:** NO BUT YOU HA-... you- love me?

**J:** Goodnight to the love of my life, V, and fuck the rest of y'all.

**V:** If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

END OF OILROSE SECTION :’( it was getting a bit too long

**N:** If you got arrested what would be the charges?

**Lizzy:** Theft.

**Thad:** Disturbing the peace.

**Uzi:** Aggravated assault.

**J:** Arson.

**V:** All of the above. In that order, probably.

**V:** I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

*V and J playing Minecraft*

**V:** Oh no, oh no, oh no-

**J:** What’s wrong?

**V:** I did a thing.

**J:** *You regret the thing you dID-*

**V:** *screams*

**J:** What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-

**V:** *screams again*

**J:** If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

**Lizzy:** Ooh, I like your accent, where you from?

**Random Drone:** I am Liberian.

**Lizzy:** Oh, my bad.

**Lizzy, whispering:** I like your accent, where you from?

**V:** Pfft, you should meet J, they're such a tsundere.

**Lizzy:** They... they just stabbed you.

**V:** So cute.

**N:** I think Uzi is in trouble.

**V:** Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

**V:** I am going to cry. I’m going to cry until I can no longer physically cry anymore because all the oil in my body is gone and I die from overheating.

**N:** Are you okay?

**J:** Did you actually just ask them that? Like, you need that to be answered otherwise you won’t know?

*in a group chat*

**V:** First one to reply is gat.

**V:** *gay

**V:** Wait...

**V, day-dreaming:** When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

**N:** You don't know anything about me!

**J:** I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children!

**V:** *casually taking four stairs at a time*

**Uzi, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time:** Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

**Doll:** Эй, Лиззи, я нашел паука. Крутой пацан. Спасибо, что ели комаров. (Hey Lizzy, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.)

**Doll:** О нет, куда это пропало? (Oh no, where did it go?)

**Lizzy:** DOLL WHAT THE FUCK?!

**V:** If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2% drop rate.

**J:** What?

**V:** Good luck.

**J:** Stressed.

**V:** Depressed.

**Uzi:** Possessed.

**Doll:** Одержимый. (Obsessed.)

**Thad:** Impressed.

**N:** Chicken breast.

**Everyone:** ...What?

**N:** I just wanted to join in.

**Uzi:** Do you take constructive criticism?

**J:** No, only cash or credit.

**N:** So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

**V:** We're chopsticks!

**N:** Well... that's cute!

**N:** Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

**J:** No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

**N:** My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

**Thad:** My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

**Uzi:** My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

**Lizzy:** My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

**Uzi:** What's wrong with you?

**J:** Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

**Uzi:** Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?

**V:** Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.

**N:** It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby.

**J:** Rock also defeats baby.

**Doll:** Я от природы смешной, потому что моя жизнь — это шутка. (I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.)

**J, making coffee:** This is going to fix everything.

**V:** You know, Uzi, you are the sun in my life.

**Uzi:** Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

**V:** Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

**V:** I’m never donating oil ever again.

**V:** The second you walk through the door, it’s just one invasive question after another!

**V:** ‘Where did you get it?’ 'Why is it in a bucket?’ I mean, do you want it or not?

**Tessa:** If we lose, you’re out of the will.

**V:** I was in the will?

**V:** How does one turn their emotions off?

**Uzi:** Okay, so first go to settings.

**Uzi:** I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

**V:** No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

**Lizzy:** Okay, two person huddle.

**Doll:** Невозможно ютиться вдвоём. Это просто объятия. (You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.)

**V:** Bye J! Bye Uzi! Bye Lizzy! Bye N! Bye J!

**Uzi:** You said ‘bye J’ twice.

**V:** I like J.

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*

**V:** Rude.

**J:** That's fair.

**Uzi:** Not again.

**Lizzy:** Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

**V:** Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

**V:** I'm so tough, I'm on alert even when there's no danger!

**J:** V, that's PTSD.

**V:** Well please don’t let J do anything stupid…

**Uzi:** Stupid by my standards or yours?

**V:**

**V:** Stupid by my mother’s standards.

**Uzi:** Smart. J will live longer.

**J:** There are no friends when playing board games. I am here to win.

**V:** I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

*The Squad is gathered in the living room for a meeting*

**V:** *walks in and sits on J’s lap*

**The Squad:** …

**N:** Why are you sitting there?

**V:** There were no free seats

**Uzi:** But we made sure there was enough room for-

**J:** *hugs V tightly* There are no free seats.

**V, trying to impress J:** I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.

**N:** They turned it off and back on again!

**J:** Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!

**J:** Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

**Lizzy:** Truth or dare?

**V:** Truth!

**Lizzy:** Do you-

**J:** I dare you to kiss me.

**V:** *kisses J*

**Lizzy, to Uzi:** They said “truth”, right?

Squad reactions to being called straight:

**V:** The fuck, no I'm not.

**J:** Excuse the hell out of you?