#Sorry I'm just in a bad mood now
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((I hate the fact not all of my ex friend's group block or soft blocked me, so I'll see that they unfollowed and it pisses me off cuz that means she was spreading shit about me to her friend group and god knows who else.
#Ti speaks#Honestly fuck her#Now I'm in a bad mood seeing that person had unfollowed me cuz it just makes me so god damn uncomfortable she's spreading shit about me#JUST because I tried to communicate and she was ALWAYS about communication#So I tried and got blocked#Fucking hate when people can't practice what they preach#Sorry I'm just in a bad mood now#vent#rant#this is about NONE of my followers obviously#Just an ex friend
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The Wonder Of You
pairing: nicholas ruffilo x fem!reader
masterlist: here | crossposted: ao3 | word count: 4.5k
summary: you surprise your boyfriend with festive lingerie for his birthday. he shows you just how grateful he is with all the love he has in his corazón.
warnings: sweet, soft, FLUFFY, making love, soft dom!nick, festive (xmas-y), established dom/sub relationship, quite domestic, fingering/handjob, oral [m receiving], throat fucking, p n v, creampie, praise, again nick has a big fat one sorry it's just canon at this point - massive cocks are rare but he's got one ok, 18+ MDNI
a/n: happy birthday nicky🩷
And when you smile, the world is brighter You touch my hand, and I'm a king
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune Your love for me is everything
I'll guess I'll never know the reason why You love me as you do
That's the wonder The wonder of you
- 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙒𝙤𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙔𝙤𝙪 // 𝙀𝙡𝙫𝙞𝙨 𝙋𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙮
Your boyfriend sits in the living room while you spend time curating the perfect set up for his birthday in your bedroom. You already lit the candles, mostly unscented but some which smell like a warm campfire and one that smells like candy cane, because you know he likes that one especially. There’s a playlist softly playing in the background, curated with a mix of his favorite songs that set a tone, lots of Deftones of course.
You undress and pile your clothes on top of the hamper before slipping on the set you bought for his birthday. It was lacy red triangles covering your breasts and it flowed down over your torso in a light mesh. You step into what is really a joke and an overstatement of being called underwear – it was just a couple of straps, completely bare in the middle between your legs. A pair of puffballs hang just above your ass and the edges of the babydoll top are lined in white fluff. Stepping in front of the full-length mirror you smooth out the mesh and take in your silhouette. Your immediate reaction is discomfort, feeling like these are clothes you don’t belong in. The outfit is too revealing, too holiday-y, too colorful, too much.
But you know how much he loves Christmas and how much he won’t care what you’re wearing once he sees you in lace. Man brains are quite simple after all, he probably won’t be able to tell you the color of the outfit when he’s done with you.
You sigh, making a mental note to push your insecurities to the side for the night and try to just embrace your sensuality for him.
Your hand hesitates before turning the doorknob and peaking your head out. He must’ve gotten bored since you see him working on some tattoo design on his iPad.
“Okay. Ready.” You say quickly before shutting the door and making it to the edge of the bed. You sit and unwrap a candy cane to suck on.
It’s clear he was unsure what exactly he was walking into by the surprised look on his face as he takes in the room before landing on you.
“Oh.” His eyes wide and locked on you. “This is what you’ve been working on?” He asks, crossing the room over to you. “What’s all this for?”
“Your birthday silly.” You place the end of the candy cane in your mouth and pull it out with a pop, your eyes fixated on his.
He glances over at the clock on the nightstand reading 11:14 pm. “Well, it’s not my birthday quite yet.”
“I figured we could start off strong.” You shrug, “I’m sure by the time we’re done it’ll be your birthday anyway.”
“Quite a bold assumption, with how fucking good you look.” He jokes, not being able to stay off your body.
“Mmm.” You hum around the candy cane before pulling it out to speak. “I’m sure we can make it last.”
You find his wrist and carefully bring it down while you part your legs for him, letting his fingers find your exposed pussy.
His eyes round at the discovery, “Fuck you’re so wet already.” He mumbles, cupping your cheek to tilt your face up to him. “You’re this wet just from wanting to please me?”
You hum an “mhm” around the sugary cane looking up at him.
His fingers glide up your folds exploring you while his eyes can’t look anywhere besides your occupied mouth. “Fuck baby.” The hand on your cheek slides down to around your throat, gently with no pressure. “I need that to be my cock in your mouth.”
You knew it wouldn’t take long for him to slip into his usual self. You hook your finger at the curve in the cane and slide it past your lips, letting your lips stay parted for him.
“Mmm.” His hand around your throat slithers up to your jaw and tugs his thumb across your lips before dipping it into your mouth. You instantly wrap your lips around his finger and suck on him just as you would his cock. Your eyes never leave his as you do so.
“Oh, what a good girl, getting a head start.” He praises which only fuel you.
You hum and nod around his finger while your hands fumble to find his zipper. You waste no time trying to palm him over his jeans, you don’t want to keep him waiting on his birthday after all. You tug his pants and underwear down past his knees, letting his hard cock spring free smacking against his stomach. No matter how long you’ve been together the sight of his size never ceases to amaze you. It never fails to fill your tummy with excitement and fear.
You don’t hesitate to begin working his length in your hands. His skin is silky smooth to the touch and the blood rushing through his member makes his veins so prominent beneath your fingertips.
The feeling of your hands has his eyes fluttering closed for just a second. His fingers never halted between your legs, now slipping into your entrance.
He leans down and presses his forehead against yours before pulling his thumb from your mouth. His gray-blue eyes lovingly track yours as he holds your jaw gently. “You are so pretty.” He says softly in the space between you two, so quiet you’d think the room was full of people and he only wanted you to hear.
A blush coats your cheeks, and you shake your head. “No, no. I look so silly.”
“Uh uh,” He nudges his nose against yours sweetly, “You know better than to say no to me.”
A small smile tugs at your lips, because for some reason it makes you feel so safe when he asserts himself like that. “Yes sir.” You reply meekly.
The edges of his lips tug up into a grin, “That’s my girl.” He whispers.
He pulls away just a bit to glance around the room, the red LED lights with the Christmas lights hung around the room and all the candles lit. “You did this all for me?” He asks quietly, holding your chin up.
“Of course.” You whisper back, looking up at him in awe. Even when his hair in a messy bun and thick rimmed glasses, he’s still the most handsome man in the world to you. “You work so hard. You deserve a little fun. And what’s more fun than having me be a toy for you?”
A chuckle escapes his lips, “While I can’t argue with that, I don’t need all of this for my birthday. It’s just another day to me, you know that.”
“I know. But I love you.” You state softly, nuzzling your cheek against his palm. “You deserve everything, and I just want to make you feel good. I want to show you how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiles and leans down to your lips pressing a long kiss against them. “Well, let’s get that pretty mouth of yours to work then, hm?”
Rosy-pink tints your cheeks and a flurry of butterflies swirl in your tummy. You nod and let him pull his fingers from you. He slips them into his mouth and sucks them clean, humming at your taste. “God, you taste so fucking good.”
“Sh.” You wave off his compliment, mostly because it worsens the warmth on your cheeks.
The bed squeaks a bit as you readjust to lay flat on your stomach to be level with his cock. Your mouth waters at the sight of it. Thick and massive, the first half of his shaft a darker shade of his olive skin tone, with the second half much lighter. His tip swollen and pink with a driblet of precum pooling at the head.
You take no time in licking a fat strip up his slit before taking his head into your mouth. He lets out a grunt at the stimulation of your warm mouth around him. His hand finds your head and tangles his fingers into your hair.
You savor him, rolling swirls on the underside of his cock and then circling around the tip. His head is so big it almost fills your entire mouth, so you use your hands to take care of the rest of his length as you begin bobbing on him.
“Fuck.” He groans, tugging at your hair a bit, “Fuck that feels so good.”
You swoon at the praise which makes you work harder. Your hands working him, squeezing around his shaft for extra stimulation. You move up and down on him, taking as much of him in your mouth as you can, letting him hit the back of your throat each time.
“God, look how good you are for me, taking me so well.” He grunts a bit, rutting his hips for work just a little, knowing that too much might hurt you.
Your heart swells at his words and the noises he’s making, you can tell how much he’s enjoying himself and that’s all you wanted. You wiggle your ass up a bit just to show off just how little the strappy lingerie covers you.
“Mmm.” He hums, his hand running down your back and squeezing a cheek before landing a hard smack against it.
While you half expected it, it still stings but it’s exactly what you wanted. You know he won’t hurt you too much tonight since he’s being so sweet but usually, he loves hurting you and you love taking it.
You whine around his member and take him even deeper down your throat. You try your best to suppress a gag the deeper you go on him, but it’s not that successful. His fingers curl stiffer around your hair at the sound and swivels his hips forward ever so slightly, enough to make you gag again. He chuckles at your struggle, deriving twisted pleasure out of it. When you don’t give him a warning sign he pushes further down your throat. His favorite thing is testing just how far you’ll go for him. He loves how hard you work for him, and he doesn’t take it for granted, he loves watching his best girl choke on his cock.
You whine around him again and look up at him with your eyes filling with tears from the pain of his girth in your throat.
His lips pull to a sinister smirk at the sight of your makeup running down your face. “Oh my, look at you.” He loosens his grip in your hair and instead combs through it as he speaks. “You look so fucking gorgeous with your pretty mouth full of my cock.”
The praise alone has you nearly dripping on the bed and fills your heart with loving pride. You want nothing more than to please him and make him happy, especially on his birthday.
You moan with your mouth full and looking up at him through your thick lashes and he looks down at you in awe.
“Can I try something with you, my love?” He asks sweetly, as if he doesn’t have the power to command you to do whatever he wanted.
You pull off of him with a pop, nodding with a string of drool still hanging from his tip to your mouth.
“How about you lay on your back for me huh? Hang your head off the edge of the bed.”
Fear slithers up your spine at the idea of him having that much more access to your throat from that angle.
Nick picks up on your hesitation and bends down to your eyelevel, taking your chin gently between his fingers. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to baby. But I promise I’ll be gentle, okay? You can pat my thigh if you need me to stop.”
You tug at your bottom lip in thought but ultimately agree with an “okay” in an already raspy voice. You do as he asked and flipped onto your back, letting your head hang just off the mattress edge.
“Good girl.” He stretches out the words as he watches you put your body on display for him.
His leans down you as soon as you’ve settled. He uses both hands to gently finish brush all the rogue hairs away from your face and neck. His tattooed hands then find your cheeks and cupping them. “You are so goddamn beautiful.” He smiles, just taking in the wonder of you. “I can’t wait to make a mess out of you.”
You beam up at him and he can’t help but widen his grin. His thumb rubs your cheek tenderly before leaning down to press a kiss to your messy lips. He nudges his nose against yours, “I love you so fucking much, Princess.” He whispers.
Your heart swells at your favorite petname. With the way he treats you, he always made you feel like a princess, and he always made you feel so taken care of, so protected.
You were his. Completely, totally, entirely.
You belonged to him, and he belonged to you.
“I love you too Nicky.” You reply softly in the same low volume.
You let there be moment of comforting silence between you, your foreheads pressed against each other, his hands lovingly holding your head. You revel in the deep adoration you have for one another.
“I’m ready.”
“Okay my doll.” He presses another peck on your lips before returning to his original standing position.
He takes hold of his member by the base and uses it to press his swollen head against your partially parted lips. You open up for him, giving him full access to your mouth. He slides his length in, moving past your tongue immediately going for the throat. While the new position allows him to get deeper, you’re pleasantly surprised to find that it doesn’t trigger your gag reflex nearly as much as the previous position. This discovery allows you to relax and let him have his way with you.
He starts slow to test the water with long deep strokes but soon picks up speed. His hips thrust in and out of your mouth vigorously getting lost in it.
“Gah - fuck.” He groans out in a hiss. His hand smothers down around your neck, pressing down on the sides a bit. He wanted to feel himself destroy your trachea.
He leans forward a bit, only shoving himself down your throat more, to trace his fingers down your front finding your closed, bent legs. He taps your thigh softly, “C’mon baby, let me see that pretty pussy of yours.”
You didn’t think it was possible to feel anything other than the monster in your throat but still, your cheeks heated up and a flutter grew between your legs.
You bend to him, like you always do, obeying him out of devotion not out of direction. His hand slides down your inner thigh as you spread for him. You feel a tinge of insecurity and maybe embarrassment in your revealing lingerie, the crotchless thong offering no coverage for you.
His fingers glide up between your folds, circling around your clit before reaching further down and gathering the juices at your entrance. From this angle he can’t dip inside you but god just the proximity of his touch has you pulsing around nothing. He retracts his reach and brings his fingers to his mouth, slipping them in desperately needing the taste of you. He groans around his fingers covered in your slick and continues to roll his hips harshly into your throat as he savors you.
“God, fuck baby.” He groans and slowly pulls from your throat. As uncomfortable as it was having him lodged there, it brings a vague feeling of emptiness. You love having him inside you, one way or another.
Drool connects his member to your mouth in strands, his cock coated in saliva.
“I need your fucking pussy baby. I need to feel you.” He says, slipping out of the rest of his clothes, his body on full display.
His body was tattooed almost completely. Most people wouldn’t consider a body like his anything special perse, he wasn’t muscular or toned really, mostly just lean. Except for some muscle in his arms from playing bass and lugging around instruments all the time. He’d been very skinny most of his life but as he’s gotten older there was thin extra layer around his tummy, which you loved. As long as you’d known him, he never liked to show much skin, he was never one to be shirtless for no reason. Which you never really understood because to you, he was the most attractive man in any room. But since he wasn’t fond of showing skin, there were parts of him only you got to see. Tattoos only you knew were there and knew the stories of. Tattoos only you got to trace with your fingers and your tongue.
Loving him and catering to him was an art only you knew.
You nod and sit up, but before you even get a chance to breathe, he’s grasped your thighs and tugged you the edge of the bed. He whisks you up prompting you to wrap your legs around his hips. Your arms slink around his neck and you once again press your forehead against his, this time getting a good view of his eyes. In the dim light with the faint red glow from the light strips, his eyes look extra green. You loved how his eyes could change depending on the setting. It amazed you how no matter the color, blue, green or grey, they always looked perfect for him.
“You are so, so good for me. I couldn’t ask for a better girl.” He says softly.
“You mean that?” You ask past the strain in your throat, leaning forward a bit to be even closer with him.
“Of course, my darling. Look at all you’ve done for me, and how good you make me feel.” He gushes.
“I do?” You hum ghosting against his lips.
“Mhm.” He hums back.
He pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, you reciprocate, tangling your fingers in his messy black hair before lengthening the kiss. It’s soft, sweet, loving, patient.
It doesn’t take long for the kiss to escalate into a passionate flame. He climbs up onto the bed clumsily with you still wrapped around him. He carefully drops you in the middle of bed, your head landing on plush pillows without interrupting your kiss.
Your lips and tongues dance together as his hands wander your body. His soft hands gliding your every curve beneath the thin babydoll mesh. He detaches from your lips and begins kissing down your neck. His breathing is rapid and needy.
“I love you. I love every part of you,” He says hastily between open mouth kisses. “Every fucking part.”
You’re dizzy with how much you love him. “I love you too.”
He’s so fucking worked up that he’s already rutting the tip of his cock up and down your folds, putting pressure against your buzzing clit.
You whine at the sensation of his tip against your sensitivity and his sucking on the weak spot on your neck. Your hand tangles in his hair, gripping it with need.
As much as you don’t want to interrupt the sweetness of it all, you need him in a much different way. “Please fuck me, fuck I need your cock so fucking bad please.” You beg, the ache between your thighs screaming for relief.
He chuckles against your neck, even though you can tell he needs it just as bad. It doesn’t take much to bring you both back to your normal depravity. “Hm. You’re gonna have to do better than that. What is it you need baby?”
You groan a bit in defiant impatience. “Your cock. I need your fucking cock.”
“Hm. A little sassy are we? Not even a please that time.” He rolls his hips into you, sliding the underneath of his length between your soaked lips. “Let’s try again. Be more specific, what do you want?”
You huff, over his delaying. “I want your big fat fucking cock to fuck me raw. Please.”
“That’s my good girl.” The edges of his lips curl to a smirk, “Well. I think we can arrange that.”
Before you could even respond he’s already pressed his tip into your entrance. He wants to ram right into you, you can tell, but he knows better than that. He’s gotten really good at knowing how to stretch you out properly. His thumb finds your sensitive nub and begins rolling tight circles into it to help you relax around him.
“That’s it baby.” He reassures you. “You’re doing so good for me.” He fills you slowly, inch by inch carefully until he’s bottomed out. You hiss at the pain of him inside you. He fills you entirely and the stretch burns at first but sweetens when he begins moving in and out of you. Deep grumbly groans fill his chest at the feeling you tight around him.
“Fuck.” You wince a bit but let your eyes flutter close.
His movements start slow, but you feel his restraint bubbling beneath your fingertips like a volcano. “You’re doing such a good job, Princess, taking me so fucking good.” He groans into your neck.
His fingers work diligently on your pulsing clit, helping ease the pain a bit. You’ve been worked up all night thinking about this moment, combined with how his cock reaches the deepest parts of you and how his fingers work where you need him, you feel like you could explode any second.
“I’m trying to go slow baby, but you just feel so fucking good.” He says between the breathy moans that escape him. His actions match his statement, his hips working in quick but deep thrusts in and out of you.
You whine loudly at his words, only worsening you impending climax. Tingle fill your body down to your legs that wrap around his waist. You love seeing and feeling just how much he can’t control himself with you. The knot in your tummy is so tight it feels like it’s about to snap.
“I’m close.” You warn hastily, unsure of how much longer you’ll last – and you know he won’t like it if you don’t ask for permission first. “Can I cum? Please – fuck, please I’m so close.”
His fingers on your clit speed up just a bit to help you over your finish line. “Cum for me baby, c’mon cum all over my cock.”
Bright ecstasy blooms from where he works on you, sending a blazing buzzing across your skin. Explosions fill your tummy and your heart beats so fast it feels like it could rupture.
“Don’t fight it Princess, go ahead, give in to me.” He hums just beneath your ear.
Your nails dig deep into his back as your spine curves violently up from the mattress. Screams curses and moans rip through your chest and fill the room.
“Oh my, there we go.” His thrusts speeding up beginning to chase his own orgasm. “That’s my good girl, cumming so hard for me.”
His deep raspy voice and the way he’s talking you through with a bit of overstimulation from his persistent fingers pushes you over a different edge, feeling yourself squirt your juices all over his cock.
“Oh, look at that,” He lets out a strained groan. “I know it’s so much isn’t it?”
You cling onto him, biting down on his shoulder as you ride out your orgasm. His thrusts get quick and sloppy and hard, probably getting pushed over his own edge by the way your walls spasm around him.
“Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He growls, his hands sliding beneath your thighs and hooking behind your knees to keep you in place. He slams hard into you repeatedly until he goes rigid, and you feel his cock twitch inside you – which with how large he is, is a bit painful but you love it. Milky white paints your walls and fills you up fully, pouring out of you before he even pulls out.
He rests atop of you and lets himself soften a bit before pulling from you. It’s an odd feeling being so full then being so empty, but at least you have his cum pooling inside of you for now.
He falls next to you and your chests rise and fall in time. After you’ve both come down a little, you look over at each other with glossy eyes and soft smiles.
-
After you both have showered and cleaned up, you change into some cozy pajamas. A unplanned cold front had rolled in so the warmest pajamas you had were matching Christmas ones. Nicholas lit the fireplace while you made your signature hot chocolate.
You cozy up next to him on the couch, beneath a blanket and a cat or two. The fireplace warmth and the lit Christmas tree are the only things lighting the room besides the glow of the mostly full moon from outside the window. You nestle your head on his shoulder and watch the fire crackle beneath the hung stockings – one for each of you and for each cat.
The heat of the hot cocoa almost burns your tongue – just almost, just like you like it. The hot drink fills your chest, warming you from the inside. Your eyes drift to the lit Christmas tree you had put up just a couple days ago. You can’t help but smile at how each ornament has a special memory attached. You take it in and appreciate it now because it is a miracle the tree lasted even this long with the cats trying to climb it every chance they got.
Even though you wanted to wait, he was so excited to put it up after Thanksgiving that you couldn’t say no. You can rarely say no to him, especially when his eyes are so bright. Holidays weren’t ever your thing, but he always made them so special. Being with him is a dream, so you savor the magic he brings.
You’ll love the holidays, as long as you have him to celebrate with.
You snuggle into him shivering a bit before looking up at him, catching him admiring the fire and the tree too.
“Hey.” You say quietly to catch his attention but not disrupt the peace. He looks down at you, with eyes so fully of contentment. “Happy birthday.”
The edges of his mouth curl into a happy grin. “Thank you, my love.” He kisses your forehead, “You didn’t have to do all of that for me.”
If you were more awake, you’d tease him and ask if he was complaining but you were far too drained for that.
“I know, but I wanted to. Because I love you.” You plant a peck on his shoulder.
“I’ll never understand why you love me as you do.” He states, using the hand not occupied with a mug to find and hold yours. “But god, am I grateful. You truly are the love of my life.”
You can’t hide the wide smile that stretches across your face and the blush that coats your cheeks. “And you are mine, Nicholas.”
tag list; i don't currently have a general tag list for all my fics so if you'd like to be added to that pls lmk!
a/n; thank you for reading if you did! i'm not that good at writing smut or fluff so sorry if it wasn't that great! this is probably the fluffiest thing ive ever written and im embarassed 🫣
Thank you for any support you guys ever give me on any of my works, it truly means the world to me that you guys enjoy my words and lil plots.
let me know if you liked it! i love hearing your thoughts🥰🩷
#it you weren’t in love with nick before you prob are now#again wtf is up with me writing fluff EW#nicholas just makes me soft idk ://#i love him your honor 😭#happy birthday 🥺#i am semi late per usual lol#very christmas-y sorry i'm in a mood#sorry about the elvis reference i had to live my truth#nicholas ruffilo fanfic#nicholas ruffilo fic#nick ruffilo fanfic#nick ruffilo rpf#nicholas ruffilo rpf#nick ruffilo x reader#nick ruffilo fanfiction#nicholas ruffilo x reader#bad omens fanfic#bad omens fic#bad omens rpf#bad omens fanfiction
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I have to admit something...
I don't like lava.
Here. I said it. I don't like it.
I never did.
AND
I dislike Kailor and Jaya as well.
#i have no problem with lava shippers and kailor shippers#this is just my opinion#i don't hate those ships i just don't like them that much#hate is too much#i prefer plasma bruise glacier pixane... yeah#lego ninjago#ninjago#desired reality#reality shifting#bruise ninjago#plasmashipping#plasma#ninjago glacier#ninjago pixane#ninjago kailor#ninjago lavashipping#jay walker#kai smith#cole brookstone#zane julien#pixal borg#skylor chen#nya smith#ninjago jaya#jaya#i don't like lava because i prefer plasma and i see Kai and Cole as brothers mostly#i don't like Kailor because of the betrayal of the lack of content and i also don't like the vibes and yes i know it's a canon ship#also I don't like Jaya because it seems forced and i don't think that Jay and Nya actually match.#I'm sorry but i also find Nya annoying... She is just getting on my nerves although i must admit that she is an admirable character#I'm in a bad mood right now as you probably noticed
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yeah... if you read it yesterday I got myself rob, I'm kinda of...an idiot
So open emergency comms!
Also open a Ko-fi for this, again any help is more than apreciate it!
Same mechanic as common comms, but
IMPORTANT
I will start working on the commissions next week, since I'll be busy this week.
(but of course before any paymant you'll aprove the preliminar sketch)
#my art#commission#dunno what to say#I'm kinda like#in a bad mood right now#I guess I'm sad#or burn out#is just#I dont feel too good#so I will just#let this here and go take some time#but for real people#any help#is more than welcome#to the people that already give some very sweet words of encouragement#thanks#I love you guys#sorry for always been a mess
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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I love Paris. "But he abandoned Oenone-" I do not care
#Tam rambles#Tagamemnon#Paris supremacy I love him#Could not care LESS about her#Sorry#He's pathetic and that's what makes him neat#Argue w/ the wall#Like yes#That was REALLY shitty#But at the same time he's so silly how can I not love him 😔#Edit: so I think I made someone feel mocked with this post??#Because in the tags I put something alluding to a post they made about Oenone that I lowkey disagreed with#If that person is somehow scrolling threw my blog rn I'm so sorry you felt mocked I genuinely did not mean it that way :'D#It was really meant as a sarcastic lil comment and wasn't really about you but people in general who think that#I just kinda worded it in a way that you said it in one of your posts#Again super sorry that I made you feel mocked I feel so shitty :'DDD I really meant no ill intent#Probably should've worded it a bit better though#aUGHHH now I'm in a bad mood goodnight everyone
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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity cabby#. that's it#i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself#of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore#i am too broken to even be a good friend#hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately#i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now#i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten#i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore#i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing#i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn#cw vent#cw sui mention#i guess#mhm. i think i need a therapist
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trying to psych myself up to finally do oc refs by doing fandom-related refs instead: volume 1
wanted to update my yuma from whatever tf this au is so he was a bit more unique... takes inspo from a lot of different things while also trying to be its own sorta thing? which is fitting given the au ;)
bonus chibi now that i'm also figuring out how tf to do chibis lol:
#my art lol#synth v yuma#yuma synthv#synth v#synthv fanart#synthesizer v#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#YES I KNOW ITS DIFFERENT but at this rate its the umbrella tag. all vsynth shit goes under there just like on main 😔#sorry for the annoyign watermarks i just dont want this to get stolennn/traced it'll b my joker arc. is2g#like thats never happened to me before as far as i know but now that my art is getting 'better' i begin to get scared that it will happen#if my fanart got stolen i'd def sting a little yeah but not hurt AS bad as if someone stole my original shit. THAT would hurt#one of many reasons why i post less personal oc stuffs. although as mentioned above i AM in an oc mood so i wanna draw em maybe...#and stuff like this is a step to develop a PROPER FUCKING REF STYLE bc i SUCKKKK AT MAKING REFS LOL 😭 BUT I SHOULD GIT GUD#i have a few other refs planned for vocaloid au (i guess???) related shit but they're not done yet. this one was also a wip that i just??#impulsively decided to redo & finish bc i wanted to draw but nothing else i was trying to draw came out right. advantages of many wips#i have SOOO many things i could say abt some of the things that went into this redesign but i dont wanna come off as pretentious 😔💔#obviously it was primarily inspired by the vimalion yuma design but. there's moreeee that i can't explain here bc tag limits and im shy#i do think i want to try and be more intentional with my character designs now so i'm seeing how that goes as i redesign some old ocs#man though this kind of stuff makes me remember i used to LOVEE doing this stuff. and now its even crazierr given art improvement#uaurhghh my head is buzzing w/. so many thoughts. THIS ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS I GET SO MANY IDEAS WHEN IM BUSY GFD#this is actually from today though unlike some other things i might eventually post. that'll make more sense soon#and fuckkk i forgot the chain necklace thing on the chibi yeah but i couldnt get it to look good. whatever
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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sorry for how slow and sparse I've been getting around to everyone. I'm doing my best but genuinely rn I desperately need to take care of myself instead of always putting others first.
#I've been. not okay mentally or emotionally for a few weeks now.#and I'm eternally grateful for the. like. 2 people that know that and have been so kind and patient with me.#and I feel bad for not giving as much as I want to be to /everyone/ right now and how much I feel like I'm falling behind.#but I don't have the energy or the will rn and I need to be shaken and forced to rest.#I'm so depressed and stressed out and anxious over every little thing rn.#my sense of self-worth is fucking shot and I'm trying so hard to be brave and remind myself people really do care about me.#that I'm not nuisance that I'm not causing problems and ruining everything that it's not better for everyone if I just wasn't in the picture#idk this isn't like. I want to be swarmed with reassurances right now.#it's more of just. I'm sorry. I know my mood is fluctuating and I'm very slow lately.#I promise I'm not ignoring anyone.#I'm just in a not great spot and it's taking a bad toll on me especially when I know how I am trying to appease others.#while giving up my own well-being giving up my own heart.#I just need to rest and take it easy for a bit. I promise everything is fine.#rambling#maybe delete later
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i need to go home (be in my husband's arms)
#sorry my birth control makes my mood swings really really bad and so even though i had a pretty okay day#i am just absolutely crushingly depressed now laying in bed and i'm just so in need of my husband i need him here right now#what do you have to say doll?
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i really need to stop staying up late when my intrusive thoughts come up again, they always get worse at night. i wanted to do some writing, but i procrastinated too long and now i feel too bad and when i tried, i couldn't focus. so i'm gonna try and go to bed.
#friday chats#just. not doing great all around. lots of ups and downs in my mood.#i'm literally so close to finishing this oneshot but it might be another couple weeks before it's ready at this rate :/#sorry about that. i really want to complete it and i promise i'm trying#my mind's just been really funky lately and i don't know why#probably bc i'm still sort of sick. i hope it goes away soon#also i feel like i always have to clarify#i'm not upset that i'm disappointing readers by not posting anything#i'm upset because it takes me forever to write things#and i have a bajillion ideas that i really want to share but i'm just. so bad at completing creative projects#i'm worried that my interest in tma will wane before i finish them all like what happened with hermitcraft and double trouble#and if that happens i'll just be plagued with all these stories that never came to fruition#not to mention i really really really want to be a published author#and if i can hardly even finish oneshots how am i supposed to complete a book manuscript#let alone several; like the series i have in mind#it's just. a lot. easy to spiral down. it makes me feel bad.#anyway i'm gonna actually go to bed now. wahoo
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hey guysss does iwtv get less sad in season two? i'm trying to decide whether or not to finish it, but if it stays a miseryfest idk if i willlllll
#NOTHING AGAINST MISERYFESTS BTW i loveeeee a bad things happening show#i'm just not in the mood for it right now? and i'd have to figure out where to watch it#cuz they only have the first season on netflix#IDK sorry i can't find anythjng conclusive#misc
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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i need to get so many things in order to literally just be able to live, however, i am poor. very poor. no clue how i'm going to afford college and move where i need to for my dream career poor. no clue how i will ever afford to move out of my childhood home. or buy a textbook. and that is very sad. and i think my job should pay me a livable wage for the hours i work.
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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