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secriden · 14 days ago

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Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, I'm so grateful for the journey Fadel is forced to take in episode 9. In previous meta posts, I shared my thoughts on how precious discussions about 'love': for eg in Episode 4 was really a promise of safety (which tragically becomes unfounded) and Episode 5 was really an exploration of trust and trust betrayed -- but I think Episode 9 is finally when we are dealing with love in a head-on collision between Style's unflinching commitment to stay by Fadel's side and Fadel's anger and fear of loving; a conflict which utterly demolished the last of Fadel's crumbling walls.

Because, while Episode 8 did give us this beautifully tender moment of shared camaraderie -- one where they were both filled with wonder at witnessing the way love can overcome hurt and anger, the way forgiveness can make a pathway to happiness; and a moment they were both aware of and wordlessly acknowledged to each other -- it was, unfortunately, also almost immediately tainted by this:

You can see the resignation and cynicism in the way Fadel is holding himself. This wasn't a betrayal from Style, but it was a harsh reminder for Fadel that love can be deceptive and harmful no matter the guise. Even when it (love) isn't aimed at him, he winds up betrayed (deceived) and in danger, and literally hurting (it's the first time Fadel overtly shows how much pain his broken arm is causing him), and it makes sense why we see Fadel harden once again after this point.

And as frustrating as it was for us to watch, I'm also glad that the show made room for Fadel's retreat behind the last of his walls. Because at the core of Fadel's fear is the experience he’s had that love, and more importantly loving, has always brought him pain: the traumatic and sudden loss of his parents and the cruelty of a lover who (maybe? I have my suspicions...) chose not to stay with him were both lessons Fadel has deeply rooted in his heart; a fear which his desire and now love for Style is constantly at war with.

Which is why we see Fadel so firmly choosing resistance at this point. Everything about his demeanour and the harshness of his words depicts a cornered animal with his hackles raised in self-defence. You can almost see the bared teeth behind his words. He doubles down on the assurance that he will see this decision through, that Style is destined for death by his hands. It's interesting because in Episode 9, Fadel seems to have mostly given up on denying that he has any feelings for Style whenever it's brought up (partly because Style has already made it clear he doesn't believe Fadel when he does), but has instead decided to claim that those feelings aren't strong enough to save Style from Fadel's decision to kill him.

So I kind of love that the narrative immediately forces Fadel face the reality of his claims. For what better retribution could there be than Style dying by becoming tangled up in the very thing he was supposed to put Fadel in jail for? What could be more fitting then to see Style destroyed by the very aspect of Fadel's life that caused Style's betrayal?

And even more, I love that the writers chose to have Style become injured like this. Because of course the boyfriend of a hitman who is on the run from the law was going to be shot -- the trope practically demands it -- but it is just deliciously dramatic that Style gets injured precisely dressed in the clothes he'd picked out so he could "at least die in something that's actually my style" and in the place Fadel said Style would haunt only minutes prior. It forces Fadel to face not only the thought of losing Style, but puts front and centre what it means for Fadel to be the cause of that loss.

Because the thing is, Style only needs to be bait at all because Fadel forgot to bring the extra bullets for his gun; because he does not have a plan when Style asks what they should do. I love that all of Fadel's training, his fastidious and careful nature, is being so fundamentally compromised because his mind has been too preoccupied with his complicated feelings for Style. Fadel is being forced to face the consequences choosing to fight against his heart about Style and that directly puts both their lives in peril. And all Fadel can do is look at Style with a wordless plea to stay safe, even as he watches Style run directly towards danger.

And I love that Style's immediate instinct is to throw himself into the situation to help. There's no hesitation, no momentary pause where Style considers running away and leaving Fadel to handle the gunman alone. Style fully embodies the promise he made to stay by Fadel's side and moreover it shows that, on an instinctive level, Style trusts his life in Fadel's hands (even though we get verbal confirmation later in the episode that Style actually was only about 50% sure that Fadel wasn't actually going to kill him in the end!! That's! Fucking incredible!?!).

Which is also why I think Fadel's anger redirects itself once they get to the island. He's at the end of his rope, a mess of emotions, arm probably still aching and then he sees Kant -- the source of not only the very real threat of Fadel and Bison being caught by the police, but also the reason why Style became entangled with Fadel in the first place. Fadel cannot help but lash out at him despite it making no sense to deny Style an additional pair of helping hands and, moreover, the comfort of a true friend that he trusts and who cares about him. Fadel is not thinking clearly, but it's also a sign that the choices he is making are still fuelled more by his anger and hurt then his love.

And again, this makes a certain amount of sense. For Fadel, anger is a familiar friend; something almost comforting, that gives him a sense of control, because he understands what to do with his anger. He understands how to direct his rage in ways that are productive and help to keep the things he cares about safe.

Until, that is, Style puts his life on the line next to Kant's and suddenly the gun in his hand becomes a danger to someone he has already been forced to acknowledge (in the conversation with Bison) that he cannot kill. I adore Style so much for immediately bringing this point up, because it means that Fadel has to actually consider why he didn't just let Style die. If Style had bled out and died from the wound, it wouldn't have technically been Fadel's fault; Style was simply caught in the crossfire. It was, in some ways, a relatively guilt-free way of getting rid of Style. But everything in Fadel rebelled at the thought of letting Style die and Fadel is once again forced to confront why he held Style's hand so tightly in both of his own, why he told Bison to be gentle and careful with Style, why hearing Style yell in pain was agony to Fadel too.

And this beautiful moment of friendship also gives both us, the audience, and Fadel this incredible understanding of Style's loyalty. To Style, the thought of dying next to Kant is not something he resents, but something that merely makes him wistful. And for Fadel, this puts into perspective what it meant for Style to promise to stay by his side; the full weight of Style's devotion is laid out for him to witness, and it's enough to shake Fadel lose from the hold his anger has on him.

But even then, even now, there's still something holding Fadel back and I think it boils down to the fact that Fadel has gone down this path with someone else before, and found only betrayal at the end of the road. He has loved and thought he was loved in return; he was ready to give up his job (his security, his sense of control, his “family”) for someone who he thought he could hide his darkness from and live in happiness whilst keeping the lie between them. It's so interesting to me that Fadel was about to do the exact same thing to Style (try to get out of the hitman life without ever telling Style about it), without knowing that the possibility of it was never on the table for him.

Because Style is the very antithesis of Fadel's ex: not only does Style find out his secret well before love truly blossomed between them, Style has no fear in him (anymore) of it. This gesture is legitimately insane, but it also illustrates how thoroughly Style embraces this aspect of Fadel's past and character. Fadel has just learned a very tangible lesson about Style's loyalty to the people he cares about, so this gesture carries the weight of knowing this matters to Style, despite the carefree manner of his expression. Style gives Fadel the security of knowing that he is making his commitment to Fadel whilst also giving Fadel permission to stay the way he is. Style's love isn't for what Fadel could someday become, but for who he already is, and that's encompasses a level of acceptance that is as crazy as one would expect from a person who is in love with a hitman.

And it's just so great that they actually addressed the whole "dated me for a car" thing, because Style is right. Fadel is grasping at the last embers of his anger but all of it is directed at a Style who doesn't even exist anymore. I don't even think Style was avoiding telling Fadel about this; it just genuinely was a non-issue to Style because getting to know Fadel changed so much about Style's motivations (he said as much as early as episode three), that this wasn't even a factor that Style was aware needed to be addressed. But I also appreciate why Fadel insisted on coming back to this -- because I've said before that I think the biggest part of Fadel's hurt and betrayal comes from the thought that Style's interest in him was a lie, so this was important for Fadel to vocalise, especially because it took a certain amount of vulnerability to even admit that this bothered him that much. So as silly as I personally found this plot point to be, I'm glad the show actually decided to have our boys talk explicitly about it.

But my absolutely favourite part is that the final hurdle, the thing that ultimately makes Fadel completely let go of his anger and resentment is Style threatening to drown himself (or at least make his wound become infected). Partly because it was the exact kind of hilariously overdramatic gesture that feels fitting for Style, but mostly because this gesture opens the door for Fadel to finally (literally) take steps towards Style. Fadel's previous actions in this episode -- making sure Style was stitched up after he was shot and letting Kant live after he threatened to kill him --- were both incredibly significant, but largely leaves the relationship between them at a stalemate because for the most part Fadel is reacting to the circumstances whilst still maintaining the emotional distance between them. But what Style wants, ultimately, is not just to survive this very lethal roadtrip but to actually bring about a mending of their relationship and for Fadel show that it's what he wants too.

And I've seen some call this manipulative, but I think Style actually does understand Fadel well enough to be accurate in this claim. I've mentioned before that Style seems to have an almost instinctive understanding of when to push Fadel and when to back off (in this meta post on ep 5), and I think we're finally seeing a moment when Style could tell Fadel needed a little nudge. And the reality is that Style wasn't in any real danger, but it shows us just how much of Fadel's walls have been dismantled that Fadel's concern for Style overwrote his logic and reason.

And I just find it so lovely how it cumulates in Fadel kissing Style because it's an expression of his own desire. If Fadel had kissed Style at any point between the confrontation by the empty pool and before this moment, I think it would have, at least somewhat, felt like Fadel was giving into Style. But this moment is different because it's Fadel giving into himself, giving up on the war he's been waging against his own heart this entire time.

And this journey was so important, so necessary because it's the reason why Fadel is able to be so completely transformed by the end of episode 9. We see him become almost carefree in his affection, everything about it is open and honest and loud in a way Fadel has never been able to be before this point, and it was only possible -- only realistic from a narrative standpoint -- because the show took the time and made space in the story for Fadel to have to face the truth of his love for Style over and over again.

Because this vulnerability, this clear comfort he feels around Style, this ability to rest in Style's arms, was only possible because Fadel was forced to grapple with the full depth of his love for Style, and in so doing, found forgiveness and happiness and peace in letting go of the last of his fear of being in love — and in so doing, proved the truth of Styles words in episode 4: “It’s okay to (be in) love”.