#Social Cues

[itsaspectrumcomic]

Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is speaking in a secret language and I'm the only one who doesn't know it.

[justatorturedpoet]

God made me this way because he knew I'd be too powerful if I had social skills

[snakeautistic]

One of the reasons I believed I couldn’t be autistic for so long was due to a fundamental misunderstanding of my social struggles. This being that I am not by any means incapable of memorizing social rules. Through observation and direction I can construct a broad framework of ‘socially acceptable or not.’ For example, I’m well aware that making physical contact with someone without consent isn’t acceptable. Or that stating blunt facts in a way that implicates someone negatively isn’t allowed. I know to avoid interrupting others if they’re already talking, to not walk away when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Crying, being unusually quiet and frowning indicates sadness. Someone smiling at laughing at what you’re saying means they probably are enjoying their time with you. An increase in speaking volume indicates excitement- either positive or negative. Sarcasm is often indicated by someone saying something absurd that you know they would never say, or you know to be factually wrong.

The fact that I had learned these broad rules made me think autism wasn’t a possibility for me. But being autistic doesn’t stop you from obtaining and applying information. (I mean that’s why so many interventions that ‘treat’ autism do result in the autistic person being able to pass as neurotypical.)

The difference comes from lacking the subconscious nuances and exceptions that come with those broader rules. For example- when is it okay to actually be honest? Some people will not be bothered by physical intimacy- but how would I know this? How can you tell if a group wants you to join in with their conversation? How to tell if this person is smiling and laughing politely or genuinely? How to tell if someone who you know very little about is being sarcastic?

There are not direct, easy to apply ‘rules’ for this, and yet clearly there are ‘right’ options. When the appropriate reaction must be determined by subtle body language or small shifts in tone of voice, ones that are near impossible to teach- I become completely lost.

That’s something I always find lacking with the general social skills advice given. It’s helpful to a point, but the truth is everyone is an individual. People express themselves differently, and react to your same actions differently due to past circumstances or temperaments. There is no one set of rules you can use for everyone, unfortunately. The majority of neurotypicals, while of course having miscommunications and the like, can rely on their subconscious to parse out any subtle changes they might need to make to their demeanor for a particular situation. My brain is much less adept at focusing down broader experience/rules into unique circumstances. (This is actually something that extends past social cues for me and I might make another post talking about it because I think it’s interesting)

Anyway rant over but yeah this was a huge mental barrier to seeking out a diagnosis for a while because at some level I ( ironically enough) took struggling to understand social cues too literally…

[xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx]

[text: this user struggles to understand social cues]

feel free to reblog/download and use on your profile but keep my username visible ty! :)

[audhd-space]

[Alt text from the image]

Screenshot of tweet from ellie middleton (user id: @/@elliemidds) here :

‘one part of being autistic that i never really see spoken about is the loneliness that comes with not being able to read social cues - always feeling out of the loop, like you’re missing something and as though you’re the one that’s kept out of an inside joke’

•••

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES:

Naturally a direct/straightforward person, regardless of how trained I am to be ‘pleasant’ in social events as I have been socialised as cis woman AND YET STILL being seen as rude when I forgot that my straightforwardness isn’t appreciated / can easily be misconstrued as conceited

Tried to approach people with humour, but is rarely received well and often fell sideway awkwardly compared to neuroconforming colleagues

Still miss any social cues expected in any occasions if they are not directly communicated or laid out before the event + easily become the cause of disappointment, misunderstanding and resentment in others (for being different and for wanting to do things differently).

By the end of the day, I am still autistic. I am still disabled by my ‘autism’ even if I understand sociology perfectly theoretically and script myself perfectly before any events. I would continue to feel lonely when I am continuously expected to neuro-conform AND then punished for missing what I am unable to identify.

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

There’s a little interaction between Stede, Olu and Zheng in 203 just prior to the Revenge reappearance. It doesn’t propel the narrative, but rather presents an aspect of Stede’s characterisation. It goes like this:

Olu to Stede: Yeah, the Captain’s [Zheng] got a bit of a packed schedj, mate…

Stede: I’m sure she does (picks up abacus). This is weird, isn’t it? Musical (shakes it).

And this little scene just makes me cry. Stede just does not have the social skills to understand the nuance here, and therefore does not follow up with expected behaviour i.e. leaving! And as someone who is probably a little neurospicy, I might’ve done something similar. Continued to hang around. Probably have played with the abacus too…

It’s such a small scene, but it tells us so much about Stede’s neurodiversity* and lack of understanding of social cues. But he’s also amazingly empathetic and intuitive when it comes to Ed; gets things so right in the 204 couch scene and the 205 YWFTW hand-hold. He also cares deeply for the crew, and is often shown to be the emotionally intelligent character in a situation. He’s so layered and complex. I just want to shout from the rooftops how amazing he is.

He doesn’t always understand social typicality. But Stede Bonnet helped me forgive myself for thinking I ever did anything wrong.**

*If you don’t read Stede as neurodiverse, I’m happy for you. But please don’t come and ‘correct me’. I’m not interested ** I’ve done many things wrong, just not these things

[victusinveritas]

[sprinkleofquirk]

I was talking with my therapist about how I hadn’t realized as a kid that other kids would hang out outside of school for no reason. I thought birthday parties and school projects were the only reason to ever see anyone outside of school. Like you go to each other’s houses? Just because? To “hang out”???

I thought that was just something that teen movies made up

[vent-channel]

People I follow keep posting shitty takes so here’s your friendly reminder that a lot of autistic people actually do have communication DEFICITS and it will take us years to learn social cues if we ever do at all.

I can rarely read faces, an allistic person CHOOSING not to communicate with me directly is actually not an asshole move on my part for ‘not learning social cues’. They should put in some damn effort.

And you aren’t one of the ‘good autistics’ for telling people who struggle more than you to just try harder btw.

This also doesn’t change if you’re a grown adult. You don’t magically become less disabled when you get older.

[autismcultureis]

autism culture is being so in tune to social cues that you would never consider you’re autistic until you find yourself having a meltdown because you couldn’t keep up with everyone cues.

!!

[raevulsix]

She’s actually kind of teaching Tech comfort and to let down his walls. Like showing more emotion and being affectionate, also by physical touch being ok and a part of bonding. (Social Cues.)

[ak-liano]

Inktober day 1 - campfire

[snakeautistic]

It’s really hard for me to tell if someone is mad at me or not. If someone changes the way they interact with me for any reason- even if it’s completely unrelated to me, my first assumption is going to be that they’re upset. And this stresses me out super badly because I don’t know what I did. If I did something to hurt you I want to be confronted with it right away, because chances are it wasn’t intentional. I don’t want that shit to fester.

So this fear means I’ll interpret pretty much anything as being upset with me, especially if I feel like I might have said something stupid recently. I’m overly sensitive to any shifts in socialization , but I’m not able to parse what these changes mean. All I can do is ask “are you mad at me?” To seek reassurance, but I know that’s also not a complete solution. People don’t like it when you constantly pester them about how they’re feeling about you.

[youruncleolaf]

do any other neurodivergent people also experience the thing where you’re told your whole life that things that bother you shouldn’t bother you because they don’t bother anyone else but you don’t understand why they don’t bother anyone else as well so you learn to ignore the feeling and assume things don’t bother anyone when they bother you but then you do something and people ask why you’d do that to someone and ask if you’d like it done to you and you have to say no you wouldn’t but you don’t know how to concisely express that you thought it wouldn’t bother them because of the above without anyone thinking you’re trying to pity yourself or whatever so now they all think you’re a hypocrite and an asshole

[mxmorbidmidnight]

I hate when people make fun of me by pretending to be nice. Hoe I don’t know social cues!! After a while people told me that the people who I thought were nice to me were actually mocking me. Rather than misunderstanding to allow me to live in ignorant bliss, I now assume every person who treats me with basic human decency is making fun of me.

[ghostisventing]

Pro tip: don’t call people with social anxiety/selective mutism/autism/nvld assholes or other names just because they can’t respond to waiters.

I don’t think you guys actually know what these conditions are. It’s not “using mental illness as an excuse”, many people with social anxiety and selective mutism are literally UNABLE to talk back. It’s not a choice. Many people with nvld and autism don’t do “normal social rules” BECAUSE THATS LITERALLY WHAT DEFINES THOSE DISORDERS

Mentally ill and neurodivergent people aren’t being rude. We’re not intentionally ignoring you.

And if you’re gonna pull the “if it’s so hard why are you out in public” bullshit, then don’t. We’re allowed to be in public. We’re allowed to challenge ourselves. And if we can’t do it? It’s not the end of the world.

Telling someone with social anxiety or selective mutism they shouldn’t be in public is quite literally the worst thing you can do. Every therapist I’ve ever had recommended the OPPOSITE. To go out MORE. That’s quite literally how people overcome it.

You guys are all “mental health matters” until it’s not mild anxiety or depression. Stop judging people who struggle in social situations. All it does is make it worse.