#So idk? Am I actually depressed or just overreacting? I should probably be asking my therapist this and not the Tumblr void 😂

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Some venting in the tags because sometimes it’s easier to vent into the void than talk to my therapist 🙂 Although I should probably make an appointment and bring this up with her. Don’t mind me being depressed for a minute 😂 Carry on with your whoring and other shenanigans

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ upd8 2020-01-17

Alright, morningblogging yesterday’s 2020-01-17 upd8 to Homestuck^2 let’s go!  Spoiler-free again.  I kinda don’t want even the next chapter names image-spoiled above the cut anymore so I’m going to have to figure out WHAT to put above the cut in these liveblog posts for visual reinforcement... a unique silly icon?  Going back once I’m done with the upd8 and posting something non-spoilery but weird-looking out of context?

Eh, can’t be assed.  Just know that after this I’m going to pony up for the Patreon commentary and skim it for anything plot-useful to y’all (in a separate post).  Let’s get started.

Okay, what’s next:  Any bonuses?  Oh, none!  Phew.  Unless those are coming faster too and just staggered differently, which would mean I gotta overcome my irrational pre-Homestuck-reading anxiety even MORE often.  :T

No Homestuck you don’t GET to ask how my-- ah, right.  :P

(FYI, HS^2 has been good to my emotions so far, quite a balm for the epilogues, so once I START reading I’m usually fine; but after being hurt so badly how could I possibly convince my lizard brain to trust it until it’s right in front of me?  Seriously, just hearing that the upd8 has landed messes me up a bit until I come fix it by reading w/ y’all here.)

Okay, so whose feelings?  As much as I’ve been waiting for Jade, I hope this isn’t about Jade.

> ==>

Ah fuck, we’re finally with the Pursuit Crew.  Bracing myself.  That means we get to see probably sleeping Jade ( :C ), full-swing DaveKat (approving nod), the first canon onscreen look at masculine-mode Roxy (<3), a probably pretty pissed off Kanaya (possibly either the feelings target, the one Saying How Are Your Feelings, or both), and uh... did they drag Callie along?  Or leave her back there with her meta freakout?  Probably left her back there, but... hm.

Let me turn up the brightness on this screen to sear these next pages into my retinas.  (Also, it feels odd to still be using a four-person “==>” for these, although if Jade is still asleep the numbers might fit on both ends... :c )

> ==>

I don’t think Dad is in the spacefaring business, so this is probably one of Jake’s shittier spaceship designs.

> ==>

...well that’s a touch disturbing.  Is that a Jade-occupied bed or are those just pillows?

Oh what the fresh fanfic’y heck is this command.

> i enter.

Okay that’s great.  I got a kick out of that.

JADE [in calliope red]: the prince’s power grows.

--but that’s not.  That explains the narrative command text, it’s alt!callie talking through a still conked-out Jade.  Please let her wake up between speak-throughs, please tell me you’ve learned that trick??  I already know you’re gonna pull an “oh she was asleep pretty much all of those THREE YEARS OF TRAVEL” thing on me and that’s hard fucking enough to deal with.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

He’s actually using the full curse correctly, huh?

...These commands.  Guess part of the puzzle is how much alt!Callie is being typically morbid and how much she might actually be wising up enough to get a kick out of this.

> the knight of blood falls.

DAVE: dude can you chill for like even a single fucking second DAVE: also are you ok

Has CallieJade chilled for even a single second this entire trip??  Is he asking just if Karkat’s okay or Jade too???

--yeah I’m overblowing things out of nervousness.  Just wait and see a bit, boots.

Alt!Callie has at least learned to be more of a smartass:

> karkat is characteristically appreciative of the alarm call.

Shirt trade Karkat, nice.  And uh, Jade’s dress sure is a... dress.  Hm.

(Did alt!Callie alchemize adjustments to did she just luck out to have a red-symbol’d Bec belt and accent leggings?  I’d prefer the former, because as much as it would be acceptable within Homestuck proper, using the transition between the epilogues and this new-author’d work to just HAPPEN to give her a fitting outfit without an excuse via providence is kind of lazy.)

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM! KARKAT: NEXT TIME I’LL JUST PULL THE COVERS BACK AND LET HER CLIMB IN! JADE: i am uninterested in that scenario. KARKAT: GREAT! POSSESSED JADE ISN’T EVEN HORNY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

...please let that mean he’s not used to her being possessed all the time and she wakes up sometimes.  PLEASE.

DAVE: but im pretty sure i locked that door JADE: i unlocked it with my mind. DAVE: fuck KARKAT: FANTASTIC. JADE: the prince’s powers are growing, but so are mine.

Dave, I’m pretty sure regular-ass no-Green-Sun Space powers can flip a few lock tumblers too.  (--though, I guess from context this was a Jakeship technolock.  Confirmation on the ship’s bad taste in design.  --I think I’m foggily remembering it said in the Epilogues that they took one of Jake’s ships just like Dirk did, too... man, being depressed so much by the Epilogues sure took a lot out of my ability to recall them decently.)

KARKAT: LIKE YOU DON’T FLOAT AROUND LIKE A CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT ALL DAY AS IT IS?

God DAMN IT she’s been asleep and possessed the whole fucking time.

> sleep is abandoned, coffee sought.

More obligatory DaveKat being cute, somehow only emphasized by the embarrassing glowing-with-power observer who doesn’t really get any of it.

Ah, here we go:

> the rogue is also awake.

Oh huh.  Cool!

Hero outfit, understated...  her his choice of heart-shades color-coded to stand out from Dave more to avoid further mistaken identity cases.  Works well!  (Holy shit I only JUST remembered at the end to go back and correctly gender Roxy as him, that was close. I blame the epilogues for a lack of visual reinforcement; I shouldn’t have as much trouble soon enough.  Seriously, I don’t remember ANYTHING without visual reinforcement, I think that’s why I remember so much of Homestuck proper so clearly.)

KARKAT: OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS! I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR HER FOLLOW US! ROXY: sometimes a girls just got to get her drift on i guess ROXY: it be like that

ilu roxy.

I missed Roxy so much, you guys.  I need more of him remarking on all this crazy shit if I’m gonna stay sane though all this.  (And I need more of him and AWAKE JADE kicking ass independently or together if I’m going to continue to believe there’s justice in the world.)

> ==>

We rarely saw Rose drinking anything but the rare coffee in canon, but I think Kanaya would have gotten her plenty into tea, yes.  Or at the very least, wanting the aesthetic of drinking tea with Kanaya would have gotten Rose into tea even if it never crossed Kanaya’s mind to try the stuff.

ROXY: well i mean who knows what she drinks now ROXY: dirk probs tossed the coffee machine out the space window right away ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances" > the prince is contemplated for a moment in silence.

FUCK, Dirk can see the narrative all the way out here???  No wonder alt!Callie’s forced to have possession turned on 24/7.  That’s fucking disappointing.  How the hell are we going to get any proper Jade time with THAT hanging over our heads?  She’d only be able to do anything when Dirk’s knocked out, and maybe not even THEN!

I was virtually promised more of actual non-asleep Jade getting shit done in HS^2.  Now there’s an even longer wait on it than I expected.  This sucks.

(EDIT: BOY did I misread that link line. Thinking “is contemplated” meant is sitting contemplating, when it meant "is being contemplated by everyone here". That was dumb of me.)

*clicks that next link*

Oh my goodness, Roxy joined the Bird Hair Crew.  It makes him look like a fucking asshole but I kind of love it.

KARKAT: IS THERE MILK?

I can’t believe Karkat is okay with drinking milk.  --yes, culturally Trolls are more comfortable with animal excretions than we are, but you would’ve thought years of railing against Equius would have purged any tolerance the idea of milk from his psyche.

I guess Dave introduced him to cereal, and it was all over from there.

DAVE: this is more like a castle DAVE: a castle of idk DAVE: twenty something ennui

Sounds like a relatable mood.  Especially considering Dirk probably decided to conquer reality out of almost nothing but twenty-something ennui.

Alright.  You aren’t going to turn Kanaya into an alcoholic or anything on us are you?

> the knight of time seeks a sylph...

--this is the shittiest shipboard starship aesthetic.

> ...and finds her, momentarily.

WOW that looks fucking depressed.  :(

> ==>

...okay you know what?  Never mind.  That outfit has wrapped straight back around into Trying Too Hard and is now hilarious.

DAVE: you ever feel like our whole lives are eventually gonna end up like this DAVE: just blasting through space on a sweeps long journey to ""somewhere"" chasing after or running from some vague enemy thats sometimes a god modded pet dog and sometimes your dad DAVE: without the faintest fucking idea of whats going to happen when we get there DAVE: thats a little specific but you know what i mean

Why do you think the epilogues upset us so much?  We thought we’d won free of that bullshit.

> ==>

Oh jesus christ that’s the most depressingly sad I’ve ever seen Kanaya drawn.  :C

--Karkat got you to watch Serendipity?  That’s amazing, Dave.

KANAYA: You Arent Reminding Me Of Her As I Rarely Think Of Anything Else KANAYA: I Close My Eyes And I See Her KANAYA: I Keep Them Open And I See Her

Fuck.

Y’know how little showing these two in love and actually HAPPY together we’ve seen in this entire comic and its subworks?  Despite them having spent at least a few happy years together we only saw in tiny screenclips?  And how Candy alluded super hard that they most likely couldn’t get that in this real timeline where shit’s going down?

Seriously, FUCK.  You could at least pretend to give us some hope, here.

Oh no, don’t ask for the nursery story, Dave.  Unless it turns out to be a funny one or a Rose twist on an old story or something.  Which it probably is, I should stop worrying.

> ==>

KANAYA: Oh Its A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost DAVE: flower DAVE: like a plant KANAYA: Its A Fairytale Dave DAVE: right KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

Dirk you PIECE OF SHIT did you rewrite the narrative of the fucking STORIES SHE TOLD CHILDREN?!??  Does the fact that alt!Callie is only in the present mean he can rewrite ANY past event we didn’t literally SEE???  FUCK you.  Seriously fuck all of this.

Please tell me she was kidding just then, or realizes there’s fucking something wrong with what she’s saying and getting angry or.

(EDIT: shoutyourporpoise replied: "Hey, idk If you picked up on this, but the 'nursery story' Rose told to the wigglers is just The Little Prince, which is maybe a BIT early for them to read, but I don't think that's a case of Dirk changing the narrative; its just Rose being Too Adult as usual." Oh, damn, I didn't even CATCH that it was that story. That makes all of this a lot more forgivable, even if pretty unforgivably leaning into the fiction that Dirk used to brainwash and kidnap her. Maybe that's exactly why it worked -- fiction, a story so blazed into the public consciousness? Hm. Thanks, shoutyourporpoise.)

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

Mother fuck I’m even going to have to see our protagonists warped by Dirk when they’re ostensibly FULLY SHIELDED aren’t I.  There’s only so much of that I would be able to take, you know.

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister KANAYA: She Is A Goddess Of Light And The Only Of Her Kind We Know Is Alive After All KANAYA: Maybe Shes Wrested Dominion Of The Entire Concept In All Its Appearances Within This Frame Of Reference

Hm.  Well, it being a product of Rose’s ascension instead of Dirk’s is possibly a more charitable take, with Ultimate Rose projecting the delusion enforced on her backward, visible to past Rose’s Sight when she isn’t paying attention and thus paving the way for Dirk to paradoxically exploit that “ideal” as something Lighty and Important and “Perfect”.  I still don’t fucking like it though.

> ==>

DAVE: sorry i know you say you got your badass monster powers but kanaya you look tired as hell DAVE: not that im tryna psyche you or whatever but youre waxing poetic in the dark which i guess is maybe on brand but still

Yyyep.

DAVE: unless terezi is lurking in the vents somewhere and now that i bring that up its actually not out of the question so im kind of gonna be thinking about that one for a while

Pffff.

DAVE: youre the only person i know whos still basically the same as when i met you

--Which is kind of going to have to change, right?  She’s got some other cosmic purpose ready to change her a little more than she changed pre-human-troll-meetup, you’d think.

> ==>

Cute as hell.

> ==>

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

There’s the title drop.  I’d think Dave’s doing pretty well, considering?  Still fucked over by Dirk betraying and tricking Rose away who he’s been close with all his life, but.

> ==>

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

Ah... yeah.  A little worse than my casual list, huh?  Forgot that Jade vanishing into a possession-coma for THREE FUCKING YEARS is going to be hard on people inside the comic too, fuck.

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

I was honestly surprised they TRIED to run society at all.  Jasp even just highlighted a big reason why not in the bonuses.

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

:(

Well, the trolls got THEIR lesson on why they didn’t deserve to rule over their new universe like gods; I guess some of y’all needed that lesson too?

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

True.

Dammit, Dave didn’t feel like he could just be Some Guy even on Earth C.  :(

> ==>

...don’t think I’ve forgotten that nursery story, though.  I don’t want to think that it was something that ACTUALLY past happened, especially not without manipulation.  Like maybe past Rose was foreseeing the false purpose that Dirk wrote for her or the like, a cooperative misunderstanding between the two instead of Dirk or Rose literally reaching back in time.

> meanwhile...

KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASKING? HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. KARKAT: ARE ANY OF US? ARE YOU? ROXY: not rly KARKAT: EXACTLY.

:(

--Oh right.  I remember that Callie and Roxy were going reasonably steady in Meat even though it was only alluded to, she didn’t freak out and stay awol or what have you.  That’s good to remember.  But it means Roxy deliberately left her behind to go on this dangerous quest, for years.  :C

KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

Oh, SHIT.  I should have read one line further.  They DID bring her.  Alt!Callie being here too must really FUCK with her.  ...maybe she can actually learn to accept that alternate way her life might’ve played out, though?

KARKAT: THE REALLY FUCKED UP THING IS I MIGHT BE THE MOST OKAY OUT OF ALL OF US, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW SHIT HAS REALLY GONE GLOBES UP.

Quite true.

ROXY: ur kinda an intense dude anybody ever tell u that KARKAT: NO.

Pff.

> ==>

KARKAT: AGAINST PRETTY MUCH ALL ODDS, AND DESPITE ME NOT DESERVING ANY OF IT, I ENDED UP GETTING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WANTED. KARKAT: OVER AND OVER AGAIN. KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

Well, if you want to blame Lord English for instance... we never saw Caliborn and Karkat interact much, but the parallels between the two were drawn so severely that Caliborn was basically the idealized, multiverse-threatening Ultimate Kismesis that he’d always dreamed of.  And operated against him without him even ever quite realizing it.

If a level of “respect” went from Caliborn to Karkat, too, from his Lord-Englishy vision nigh-omnipresent, then this outcome isn’t very surprising at all.

> ==>

(I don’t quite feel I get why Roxy shifted to this exasperated-Dave expression, but I get logically that he’d been waiting for Karkat to make a breakfast choice... Homestuck proper rarely pulled a “last line said corresponds to next-panel’s expression” without either leaving the conversation blank or having the NEXT lines of the conversation reinforce it, to prevent this inelegant misunderstanding.  Andrew was really damned talented in getting his point across visually, in that regard.  Just like, that careful visual intent delivery.)

Alright, I guess that’s it for this short upd8!  Meeting the pursuit crew was both more and less difficult than I expected.  Hopefully I get desensitized a bit as the characters continue to feel semi-almost-sorta-fine.

I have NO idea how this group is gonna work as a proper crew when we get to whatever weird other-players’ session this shit is going down in, though.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hamliet]

Hey i wanted to ask ur opinion in a serious subject, idk what's up with people but lately I have seen a lot of people using mental health and abusive past as an excuse of bad beheaveour and awful actions and idk but I feel really offended when people try to use that "Card" am I overreacting? I struggle with mental disorders because I suffered an abusive past and I know plenty of people as me and they r kind hearted people that do not bully or abuse others so i find it upseting that people

Try to use this things as an excuse for bad beheaveour stuff like oh I just did this cuz I have bad anxiety … do you Think that having an mental illness or an abusive past excuse you from bad Doings?

No, you aren’t overreacting. There is a strong difference between understanding what caused a behavior and excusing it. It is true that hurting people hurt others. But you are still hurting people, and it then creates more hurt which creates more hurt which… and on and on and on. Someone eventually has to say stop. But it’s hard as well. Mental illness and an abusive past are incredibly difficult for people to deal with (I deal with both) and it can be agonizing to handle. But hurting others in my pain still is not okay. 

As an example from my own life… I suffer from depression and obsessive-compulsive and C-PTSD symptoms. When I was at my lowest, I pretty much cut everyone off and withdrew from almost all my close relationships. Because I was hurting. But, in my hurting, I hurt people too–people who really loved me, when I legit just wouldn’t talk to them anymore. Fortunately, now that I’m on Zoloft and have been doing more/less better for over a year now (though I have really bad days too, it’s not like it was before), I was able to touch base with those people and apologize and repair those relationships. No one was really angry at me once I explained the cause, but I also made a point to acknowledge that they were hurt and I was sorry for hurting them. Because in my pain I caused them pain. 

If you are attempting to explain why you did something hurtful as a symptom of your illness, that’s brave of you. But I think it’s vital to acknowledge someone else’s pain, because if you don’t, you are in essence saying “my pain is more important than yours.” It’s not okay. I can understand and empathize with why someone might do something hurtful, but if you are not acknowledging the pain you are causing and not trying to do better, you aren’t helping. 

You aren’t helping yourself. You’re not going to get better if you don’t admit there’s a problem. Your hurt won’t go away by hurting someone else. You aren’t helping the people around you. And you aren’t helping the general stigma of mental illness by being like “well, it’s my illness talking so I can keep doing this as an example of what it’s like to live with this and who cares whom I’m hurting, aren’t I brave for raising awareness of what it’s like to live with this illness?” I see that attitude a lot on tumblr and as a mentally ill person, abuse survivor, and a former counselor myself, it really makes me feel sad, because it’s quite a myopic way of looking at things, and it’s really hurting you as well as hurting someone else. Your mental illness may be a significant part of the cause of you hurting someone, but you have a responsibility to say “I’m sorry, my anxiety was really bad and I lashed out. You didn’t deserve that, I will do better” or something along those lines–and then to take steps to try to do better. 

So yeah, having a mental illness and/or a tragic past does not excuse you. It does, however, warrant empathy. Ableism is a real thing and I’m kind of sensitive to it, and I hate it when people police the coping mechanisms of abuse victims because some are more societally acceptable (while being equally unhealthy as ones that aren’t). And it’s true that people should not be condemned, because unless you’ve walked their path with them, you can’t judge that you would react any differently. But you can say “stop hurting me.” And if you are the survivor or the one with a mental illness, you probably do warrant accommodations in a variety of ways (like, if I obsessively wash my hands, please know it is not an insult to the cleanliness of your place, or if I get tense and panicky at a certain sound it’s not that I’m afraid of you, it’s that I’m probably about to have a flashback), but ways that allow you to hurt someone aren’t (like lashing out at someone and then being like “I was just feeling anxious we’re cool right?”) 

The goal of therapy is often to replace maladaptive coping mechanisms (bullying would be one) with better coping mechanisms that are actually helping you heal (express your anger in writing, for example). I wish tumblr (and society in general) would be better at encouraging people to pursue such methods by giving someone who is struggling a safe place to express their pain but also having good boundaries (”I understand you’re feeling anxious. It’s still not okay to yell at me.”) 

*btw: you can be angry and express it without hurting someone* 

[the-warmest-hands]

stMarysW6

monday: joyce wasn’t there, so i did trash at st mary’s, then trash at holly and watering infield at holly and watering bocana, then mobile route, then returned to st mary’s and hedged the salvia out front. looks acceptable. if i really wanted to fix it i would have to like, cut it back real real hard so that it could grow normally cuz right now it’s incredibly dense in one section probably because it was reaching for sun and it’s under the cedar

LM - 6 IRR - 2 (coso water)

went home on oshaughnessy worked on arch homework

tuesday: i called out cuz there was the all-staff and i didn’t care and also i had to finish my homework for arch100 also it was a depression day but i picked myself up off the ground (easier to say that now that i’ve picked myself up) because they told me that both bv and harding had 0 openings and i went into freakout mode because i tend to overreact to bad news and i just spiraled real hard into “why do i do anything if i can never have the things i want” hahahahahah sounds funny only in hindsight. when it’s happening it’s not funny.

anyway then i finished my presentation in the midst of all this angst, and it was a terrible presentation, and biked to class in spite of my depression, and printed out my stupid project three times because i had the wrong settings twice, but which actually looked kinda legit due to the terrible print job, and gave a terrible presentation and then biked home feeling better because class was kinda fun and i enjoyed other people’s presentations and the discussion we had.

also then it was time to go to potato’s birthday dinner with potato and xo which was fun because despite all my resistance to seeing others when i’m depressed, i always have fun with people i love, and i truly love potato and xo even if i think that i don’t want to see them we ate pretty good food (amazing bread-items, butter, bone marrow, broccolini, and pork ribs, mediocre beef tartare and fried chicken) at wayfare tavern, and i biked there in a tank top and black jeans and heels (ie my “i feel hot and im going out” look) so i felt pretty good. also i rode like the wind on the gangster which also felt good. and i went up california until fillmore and then i went up bush and then i went over on polk back to california which was a dumb idea because after larkin is that fuckin downhill with tram tracks and it’s scary so i got off at like, taylor and walked myself down like a chump but that’s ok because safety first. and i wuz not gonna footbrake in these heels. and i could not skid because. idk. fear. fear’s the only reason u can’t do things. i really believe this.

wednesday: kendra wasn’t there; mobile route by myself! and then line trimming the CPA, and then irrigation with stan which was fun. stan is like the fun brother i never had. everyone i like is like the fun brother i never had. also when i was trashwalking, i saw hellllllla raccoon damage and i was like ok we needa investigate station 1, and then when i was line trimming the CPA i saw a random nozzle in a mound of dirt and i was like hmm what is going on here why’s there a mound of dirt and i touched the nozzle and it just came out of the head so i was like welp gotta investigate and maybe replace and i thought i was mad slick for identifying irrigation problems that had to be dealt with then at the end of the day i saw that kendra had already identified those and wrote them down on the todo list she wrote for us that i failed to look at carefully

maaaaan

LM - 2 IRR - 6

then i biked home on oshaughnessy and did my article report real fast and then class was canceled so i went to dd to ask about stem and show off my 1x centurion but also i’m not that stoked on it so now i’m like why did i try to get into road bikes again when every time i know i don’t want it

thursday: AAD at botanical i thought i would be like “idgaf get me outta here” but actually it was awesome HAHAHAH and the more i think about it, the more awesome i remember it in my head also how could it ever be bad working with jason

LM - 8

also here’s my search history from the past week; it made me laugh even though it’s not funny

friday: mobile route chill finished at 8:42, then put everything away (i forgot my pickup stick at prentiss because i set it on the ground to wash it and then was in a rush to leave because moped man whose moped that i parked next to told me that his wife was about to leave and needed me to move slightly forward because i was blocking the garage and i got all flustered and jumped in the truck and drove outta there) but uh. that’s. lost forever. maybe. most likely. i’m sorry. i forgot about it until i returned to st. mary’s and then i didn’t want to go back for it because. i’m sorry. i should have. after that i went to holly and pushed back the rosa banksiae and berberis wilsoniae(?) and ceanothus...weeping form... on the sides of murray entrance. it was good. i think it looks much more open. joyce said it’ll grow back within a week. after that we returned to st. mary’s and i hedged the small salvia cube in front of the rec center and also the ivy because that was on the to-do list. i did not plan my debris pickup well so i kept having to drive back and forth to the truck to dump my burlap out because bad at planning, and then stan jumped in to help me because i guess he was getting anxious about putting the toro away and also i was being inefficient.

LM - 6 IRR - 2 (coso)

after work i biked home via oshaughnessy because that’s what i do now also listening to mozart all day today ate some peanut butter and chocolate and then kale hardboiled egg (perfectly done; no greengray) quinoa ROASTED PEPPERS a million cups of milktea then rode out to race to reg via california to post (my old consulate commute) to kearny to sansome race to reg - allegedly came in 2nd women but who knows how many overall. somewhere between 20 and 30 most likely lol

now i sleep cuz i am tired

saturday: qcr

[warrumabi]

After 1827th day

I started to having crush on this certain person roughly 5 years ago i don’t remember the exact day, but i remember it was Oct 2012 it was at least 1827 days ago i even broke up with my high school lover and never been in relationship ever since 

i was dealing with anxieties, depressions, suicidal tendencies and ton of tears i was and still in circumstances where i can’t say what i feel to them may be i’m just afraid of rejection, not only from them, but from people

every years i said to my self “this is the last time, this is the last year” but here i am still standing in the same spot after five fucking years

these past years, i managed to get closer to them, and i think now may be i am one of their best friends being best friends with a person i like for five years makes me realize how precious they are and how i am not deserved for this from this day i’ll mark everyday about me and this certain person this is supposed to be a story of how i moved on and how i survived

                                           OCTOBER 2017 Oct 29th, 2017 1827th day - you finally reply to my chat from 4 days ago, saying “sorry”, “what’s wrong” and “is everything’s ok?”, i replied “just saying hi”...we end up chat a bit and you said i should come to your place because the beaches were superb. i said “no thanks, i don’t like beach anyway” which is a lie that i hope you notice. Suddenly you mention a movie that i’d probably like, i watched it asap and yes, that movie was superb because i always like plot twist. i send back some recommended movies to you, hope you watch those, especially the first one.

Oct 30th, 2017 1828th day - we chat a bit, continuing what we talked about yesterday. You recommended me some others movies and said i should watch those. i did add those to my “to watch list”. that’s all. Oct 31st, 2017 1829th day - nothing happened today.

                                            NOVEMBER 2017

Nov 1st, 2017 1830th day - nothing happened today either. haven’t watch the rest of your movie list, i was so busy and tired. i saw your friend’s post about video calling you. ah also, recently i thought about marriage, idk why tho. Nov 2nd, 2017 1831st day - no contact today either. got a news that you’ll be back this saturday and i got a mixed feelings. i registered us to this event on 7th for free dinner and stuff. Nov 3rd, 2017 1832nd day - this morning you chat me asking for help to pay your bill again cause you were still out town. you asked about the event on 7th but i replied shortly. then you also asked whether i had watch the movies you recommended, i hadn’t and planned to watch them this weekend and asking you back about my movies recommendation that i gave you, you said you did watch some...little did i knew maybe those movies doesn’t suit your taste. you asked about the weather, and complain that it’s rain a lot there. I replied on the noon cause work, and i attached your bill that i paid. you read later and never replied. i couldn’t think straight the whole day, knowing that you’ll come back tomorrow (you still hadn’t tell me that you’ll be back this saturday tho) . i’m calling your name before sleep tonight, kinda longer than usual. Nov 4th, 2017 1833rd day - you still hadn’t reply. c’mon at least say thanks. you didn’t tell me that you back today. i waited for your or your friend post update, but it’s zero. i end up watching one of your recommended movies...it was good, i wonder how you reacted in those kiss scenes tho. Nov 5th, 2017 1834th day - finally you replied this morning, damn dude what’s taking you so fucking long?! this is why i hate chatting with you. still, now we are in the same city, breathing the same air again. i’m calling you again this morning. we probably meet tomorrow (i really hope so). Nov 6th, 2017 1835th day - still no news from you. somehow i heard people mention your name a lot today. i wonder where they got news from... Nov 7th, 2017 1836th day - today is the event day. i was really looking forward for today. i arrived at college on 7 flat in the morning. eat breakfast alone near it. day past, and it’s start raining hard at noon. i had to pick my lil sis first before went to that event. arrived at home soaking wet, checked my phone just to find that YOU SAID YOU COULDN’T COME because you still at out of town, the worst about it was you said it FUCKING AN HOUR BEFORE IT START. i was furious. i was really into coming to this event. even my sis knew i really wanna went. and you know i couldn’t go alone. WHY YOU ONLY READ MY CHAT A FUCKING HOUR BEFORE THE EVENT?. i was crying hard until half an hour because i was furious but i can’t say a word. somehow i fell asleep and woke up at 10 pm. i was too tired and too sad today. way to go bud, you never fail to disappoint me. Nov 8th, 2017 1837th day - i ended up staying awake the rest of the night. having a nice day huh? swinging by a sea shore while you just ruining my day yesterday? ...jeez, this is it. i'm being hateful again, i overreact again. *sigh* . didn’t you ever feel guilty at all? didn’t you ever considering my feeling? Nov 9th, 2017 1838th day - today supposed to be the day you start went to college again. but i didn’t see you at all. my sleep cycle was a mess since two days ago. i was so tired again. i thought i was happier without you, i wish we didn’t have to be in a same town. being in a same town with you making me anxious and sad again. Nov 10th, 2017 1839th day - my sleep cycle was still a mess, the whole day thinking ”what if i met you today? i’m not ready yet” but somehow part of me want to see you. decide to sleep early tonight, you suddenly popped out in my chat just before i closed my eyes. you said something about college, and said you probably were still out of town on Monday. i took a long sigh realized that you were not here, not in this town. hmm...you probably went back to your hometown. i decided to not read and reply right away. Nov 11th, 2017 1840th day - i replied your chat shortly at 10 morning, nothing much happened. ah, i decided to continue the movie list you gave me. Nov 12th, 2017 1841st day - nothing happened. nothing is good. Nov 13th, 2017 1842nd day - so far so good, i started to feel that i didn’t think about you the way i used too. Nov 14th, 2017 1843rd day - today, people nonchalantly ask where you at to me. i simply said i didn’t know. jeez, it’s not like i’m your manager. Nov 15th, 2017 1844th day - today i was surprised seeing you peeking thru class window, that’s mean you already in town, i also accidentally saw you in crowd but acted like i didn’t. luckily our eyes did’t meet. i was too tired of routines, felt like i could collapse anytime. maybe i should take day off tomorrow. suddenly you chat me on afternoon asking college stuff, i answered late and short. somehow we chat until night, the only question i asked was where you had been. but i fell asleep before saw you replied. Nov 16th, 2017 1845th day - checked the text, you said you had exam this morning, i simply said good luck with smiley. Nov 17th, 2017 1846th day - i took another day off, my period cramp felt worse the whole day. you commented on my post. Nov 18th, 2017 1847th day - I saw an announcement about a tournament in two weeks. you probably join this year too...luckily, i will be off town by the end of this month to my intern schedule. Nov 19th, 2017 1848th day - saw your post about practicing, guess it’s true. i went with my sisters this morning and update a lot. you happened to see my posts and said you want to join. slightly happy, until you said you can’t later...well whatever dude. Nov 20th, 2017 1849th day - i acted as if i didn’t aware about you, i tried not to be in the same space. and i thought you did too (?), because i was sure you saw me, but you didn’t say a thing. but gosh you were laughing annoyingly loud, making me aware that you were here. Nov 21st, 2017 1850th day - i didn’t go to campus today, somehow i miss you the whole day and also anxious about you didn’t greet me (like i did to you). tonight you text me asking for help tomorrow, as usual i replied shortly. Nov 22nd, 2017 1851st day - i helped you today, we speak as nothing’s happened. but yeah IT IS nothing that happened. we acted like before, we didn’t really avoid each other actually. Nov 23rd, 2017 1852nd day - went to your place today to collect my money, you seem not recognizing me because i use new helmet (?). didn’t get off from my ride. can’t looked at you properly. luckily my new helmet glass is dark enough so you can’t see through. ah, actually i planned to ask you to join me for a ride but it’s seems that you were busy. rest day sighing and imagining that today would be waaay better if you joined me. am i back to square one??. also, i saw the tournament IG, your team lost on the previous match, new jersey huh? new back number? wish your team didn’t get to the final so i don’t have to watch you as i did in the previous years. Nov 24th, 2017 1853rd day - i didn’t go to uni today. stalked that tournament IG, but no news about your team. you uploaded a video that i took of you playing. that’s already the second video. you barely upload yourself, and now you upload about you? playing??and two videos??in a row?? dude, were you showing off? to whom?.

Nov 25th, 2017 1854th day - today you upload THE THIRD video, but this one wasn’t the one that i took. sorry, hadn’t like any of your videos. i search the possibility of whom you tried to showing off to. remember the one that got you in trouble last 3 months? i couldn’t find them in your followers list. did you block each other?what happened?

Nov 26th, 2017 1855th day - your team lost again yesterday. ah, i saw a picture of you, somehow i noticed your torn shoes. may be you should buy a new one. ah i remember you said you want to buy it several months ago. should i buy it for you? what?! why the fuck i want spent money on pricey shoes??? moreover it isn’t for me?? but, you’ll look good in new shoes, hm... maybe orange or yellow will suit you...wait? what??? why the fuck, i’m not spending singgle penny for ya.

Nov 27th, 2017 1856th day - this damn IG hasn’t update anything about the game. so finally i ask you. you said you didn’t make it to final. somehow i feel a bit sorry and guilty too. and the torn shoes? turned out it’s not torn at all, it’s more like a gum stuck there. ah also, YOU UPLOADED THE FOURTH VIDEO, damn...

Nov 28th, 2017 1857th day - we planned to have a meeting today in afternoon. you asked me to eat ramen with you before the meeting and of course i said yes. i ordered the black broth as usual and you ordered the white one. we played stacko 2 times and end up draw.and then we went to the meeting place. i asked you and our friend to have a trip this weekend, you said you gonna slee in my place the night before the trips. wohooo~!

Nov 29th, 2017 1858th day - nothing much today, i didn’t went to anywhere.

Nov 30th, 2017 1859th day - i didn’t met you either today, gotta help my friend with her task.

                                          DECEMBER 2017

Dec 1st, 2017 1860th day - i went to you place this afternoon so we can buy things for our trip tomorrow. you gotta do college stuff and laundry first. that took some time and i accidentally took a nap in your place.  five past half finally we can leave your place. i wait outside cause i’m ready, suddenly when you went out i almost dropped my jaw cause you wear a fucking cute pink lipstick which is subtle but so damn cute it suit you so much. i was having a goose bump all the way to the mall. also you wear a new BACKPACK!! it was cute too. so fun grocery-shopping with you, especially when you threw those snacks and i gotta catch them with the basket, spent most off my money lol. we also got matching rubber bracelet. yay!. we went to my home past nine. searching to places for our trip until midnight cause we had no idea where to go. this is the first normal and anxious-free night when i sleep with you.

Dec 2nd, 2017 1861st day - woke up at 4 am, but too lazy to move and decided to have a quick sleep again, turns out i dream quite long dream about you (which is i forgot). woke up again at 5 am, it’s nice cooking in the morning with you, seems like too good too be true. then we took a bath, dressed and got ready for the trip. it was a nice trip, i’m glad this trip worked. if only i sat beside you. we went back to town on evening and you gotta do some college stuff, so we accompanied you. it was until 9.30 pm and i finally can went back home AND GUESS WHAT? you tag along and that mean TWO NIGHTS SLEEP OVER!! YOWOHOOHOOOO. i was so glad. you gave your rubber to my sis :(. i took it and gave mine instead, so i kept yours. again we stay up until midnight, you fell asleep in opposing the actual position. i tucked you in and decide to sleep according to your position.

Dec 3rd, 2017 1862nd day - you slept again in the morning, guess you were too tired from yesterday, me too actually. but i decided to watch movie, idk why. you slept in weird position again, bending your neck, that gonna hurt bad when you woke up. i pulled the pillow a bit to adjust your neck, but you woke up. i decided to sleep too and woke up in the middle of the day. we ordered ramens and chocolate drinks in the noon. i kept guessing when will you went back to your home, it wasn’t rain much tho.in the end you decided to sleep in my place again. fuck.i.was.too.happy. THIS WAS THREE DAY STREAKS!!!!! and ofc it was better than just two days sleep over. thanks God!!. i spent mostly time in front of my laptop cause i got work to do. you talk to my sis and mom and had fun with them. when it’s late, i laid in bed and suddenly fell asleep. this is the first night i slept first.

Dec 4th, 2017 1863rd day - woke up late. we rode you to your place and went to uni after. we left in hurry and you forgot your bottle in my place. about 10 pm you asked me to accompany you do college stuff in library, i guess we got a bit closer than before?? cause it’s rare for you to ask college-related stuff with me. it was fun tho.

Dec 5th, 2017 1864th day - i brought your bottle. and end up helping you again in lobby. was fun too, i hope we could do regular things like this together more often. :) Dec 6th, 2017  1865th day - i went to campus today, but didn’t get to see you. i saw your bike, you probably still doing stuff in library. Dec 7th, 2017 1866th day - printed something for your presentation, but its ends up canceled. we were ready tho, you asked me to play basketball with you this afternoon. i said, i can’t afford to ashamed myself in front of your team. you said it was ok, no body practice anw. turns out, boys played too. i just sat in corner watching you played with them. i didn’t get to play anything in the end. Dec 8th, 2017 1867th day - you asked me to help you with stuff again, but i got schedule on that time. i saw you got problem with your tools. i hope everything worked well. by the end of the day, i texted you about college. it was niiiiceeeeee, i want to have daily chat with you.

Dec 9th, 2017 1868th day - day off, i actually wanted to ask yo to hanging out today, but i got tons work to do.

Dec 9th, 2017 - Dec 15th, 2017 1868th - 1874th day - i was so busy and occupied the last week. i skipped one week updates. i couldn’t recall what happened each day. we did meet most days, but nothing’s special. all i could see in these days were we did more regular things together :)

Dec 16th, 2017 1875th day - you asked me to have a ride a bit after our schedule. i got plans, but ofc i also wanted to spend time with you. so i decided to do both. you accompanied me doing my plans, i accompanied you hanging out this afternoon. we spent time until like 9pm. you asked me again to accompany you swim tomorrow. at the end of the day you decided to spend the night in my place. yay!. Dec 17th, 2017 1876th day - woke up 6 am, you still sleeping.. why am i the one that excited for the swimming?? you didn’t wake up until 8, didn’t you the one that said we should go early? .