#So even less probable its about me right?

[polargemini]

So I have a plot for a fic where Wade believes Peter Parker is experimenting on people (like on the comic) and this is like part of the scene when Wade attempts to kill him.

————

Wade doesn’t go right away after he shoots Parker. He stays there, right in front of him, seeing how his face morphs into a new expression. One full of affliction.

“W—“ Parker tries to say something. But his chest moves erratically, hindering any attempt to speak, and the bloods flows out of the injury, staining his lab coat.

He doesn’t have a lot of time left. That much is evident. He’s minutes away from dying, painfully, feeling each second the excruciating agony of the bullet near his heart — until it stops beating.

The fact that Wade isn’t taking the time to prolong this, to make Parker feel the same torment of the people who suffered at his hands, it’s a small courtesy to Spidey. Even if he never discovers that Parker was taking advantage of him, using him to cover his wicked purposes, Wade hopes that making it fast will make it better.

Because he isn’t supposed to be killing anyone. Less Spidey’s boss, the guy Spidey idolizes.

Wade had promised himself he wouldn’t kill again. Not after he changed. He was finally able to be someone different, someone worthy of being near Spidey. But after he found out Parker was behind the experiments, it was impossible to stand still and believe that Parker deserved a second chance. He’s probably throwing out the window all the progress of these few months.

But he has to do this.

Parker’s death will be fast — as fast as the bleed out takes — but he’s not leaving earth without suffering first. That’s why Wade aimed purposely to a spot near Parker’s heart and not directly at it.

He looks how Parker puts his hands around his chest, like he could somehow stop the bleeding just with that. What an idiot. For someone who is famous for being a scientist, he must be aware anything he does will be useless. There’s no going back.

And yet.

“W—“ Parker tries again.

He should be on the floor by now, but for some reason he keeps wanting to talk. It really is bothering Wade.

"Why? Are asking why? Gonna keep pretending til’ the end? You aren't fooling me, Parker. You know exactly what you did,” Wade snaps and Parker flinches at his words. Like they hurt more than the wound on his body.

"Wa—" Peter insists.

Wade grunts. “Is it wait now? C’mon, Parker. Not gonna spent my time trying to guess your last words. And if you’re really asking me to wait, think again. I bet they asked the same, and you—“

Wade groans, and then he aims the gun at Parker’s head, to his forehead. There’s no reason not to pull the trigger. Even if Wade spares him the pain ending things now, there’s no way for Parker to survive. He will accomplish what he came to do.

Wade analyzes the face behind the muzzle, and to his surprise, Parker doesn’t have the face of a murderer. There’s no guilt, not even a hint of anger for being discovered. Or that shame and sobbing that Wade has presence sometimes, when the people he had killed realized it was time to face the consequences of their actions.

If something, there's an indescribable pain in Parker’s eyes. He looks hurt, and it’s a different hurting, not the one he must be feeling from the bullet. It’s like he can’t understand why Wade did that to him. And not for the whole experimenting-on-people-matter. Nor the bullet matter. Its seems deeper, which doesn’t make sense.

Spidey talks a lot about Parker’s job, but Wade never got to meet him. Not until now. This is the first time they’re looking face to face. How should he take that expression? It’s feels personal, but there’s no way for it to be.

“Whatever,” Wade says as he holsters the gun. He isn’t wasting more bullets on this asshole. He turns his back, and walks away. He isn’t giving Parker the satisfaction of having someone to hear his last words — if he even manages to talk at some point.

All the time on his way out of the building, he tries to shake out of his head the look on those brown eyes.

[haveihitanerve]

I've Got You

Steph just wanted one day. One day. To feel shitty about herself. To sit alone at home in silence and wallow. Watch crappy pirated movies from her phone because she can’t afford a TV and eat junk food that's probably months old because she doesn't really have time to get a real job right now.

She had, preferably, wanted a relaxing day. Being sick wasn't optimal for staying home, but at least it gave her a decent excuse.

So there she was, hunched underneath the covers of her crappy twin bed, on her phone, old bags of chips and tissues littering the floor and bed.

The window slides open and Steph's hand is under her pillow in a second, gripping the small dagger Tim had gifted her.

“I’m fine Tim. Go away.” She calls out in direction of the window as a shadow slips into the room. The shadow straightens to its full height and she curses, quickly dropping her phone.

“I’m not Tim.” Batman rumbles, and Steph drops the knife, twisting her body slightly to face him.

“I see that.” She shoves her phone away, just so that he doesn’t see her pirated movie selections. The last thing she needs is to deal with the fucking Bat. But of course, the Gods hate her.

“You missed patrol.” Steph’s cheeks heat up. She didn’t think it was that noticeable that she’d missed today. Much less that he’d notice.

“Yeah I uh… day off.” She chuckles awkwardly, hand rubbing the back of her neck. “Even my crappy manager Dave at Batburger gave me them from time to time. No point in being your own manage if it doesn't have benefits right?” To punctate the brilliance of her sentence she throws some finger guns his way.

Batman is unamused, white lenses unmoving. “Tim told me you jumped in Gotham harbor yesterday. To save a boy.” he murmurs instead, eyes scanning her apartment, taking in the empty cabinets, mold, and littering of stuff.

“Yeah.” Steph sniffs, grabbing another tissue to blow her nose. “Uh, is he okay?” She hasn’t had a chance to check, and she curses innerly at the lack of care it shows.

But Bruce doesn't comment, maybe because its what he expected, or because… something else, and just nods. “Yes. He’s fine. Minor cold, nothing too terrible. He wasn’t in the harbor for too long, thanks to you.”

Steph frowns at little at that, because it almost sounds like a compliment. Pride. “Uh, yeah well.” She shrugs, unsure of how to play this. “It’s just what we do right?”

Bruce hums his affirmative, eyes now scanning her. “But you..” Steph stiffens at that, and his eyes track the movement, no outward shift visible, but Steph can almost feel him flinch innerly at it.

Its for that reason alone that she forces her body to relax. “You were in it for longer.” He continues, pretending like nothing happened, like he's not bothered. Steph frowns, unsure of the direction he's taking.

“Yeah, I mean, I had to go in, find him, push him out, make sure he was out, and then patrol.” She shrugs. “No biggie.” Bruce frowns, and Steph squints at him, uncertain of what caused the reaction.

“You patrolled afterwards? Without changing?” Steph jerks one shoulder.

“I mean… yeah?” His eyes scan more intently now, taking in the littering of tissues, the large, thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders in the middle of summer, the redness of her nose.

“You’re sick.” The words are flat. Emotionless.

Steph rolls her eyes. “Great work Sherlock. Yes. I’m sick.” She sparkles her hands around herself in a bad display of joy. “Day off work. Sick day.”

Bruce frowns again, and before she knows it, he's crossed the room to her side. Steph stiffens again without meaning to, but he’s so close and he hasn't been this close since she was Robin and-

He kneels, tugging off his gloves as he presses a hand to her forehead, frown deepening. “You're burning up.” He mumbles, hands now moving faster, checking against her throat and moving to her sides and back, prodding and pushing with a firmness that is both professional and gentle and Steph doesn't know how to feel about it.

She wonders, idly, as his fingers settle on either side of her ribs, just resting there gently, how often he’s done this to Tim. To Dick. And Jason. And Damian and Cass. She wonders if even Duke has already gotten this treatment. If she's the last one. The one he hoped he’d never do it to, after he fired her from Robin.

“I’m taking you home.” Bruce announces without much fanfare, fingers finally slipping away from her sides as he stands, and Steph cant help but feel like she's lost something as he puts distance between them.

She glances around her apartment. “I am-”

“The Manor.” He corrects, and if Steph didn't know better she would swear his throat bobs, cheeks red. “You need medicine and food and- I don't know what else but you wont get it here. I’m calling Leslie.”

Steph frowns up at him. “But- I- okay…” She uncurls her legs from underneath her, moving to stand. But she must have moved too fast because suddenly the ground is moving closer and her legs have given out-

But Bruce is there, strong and gentle as he swings her into his arms like she weighs nothing, tucking her head against his chest like he does it daily, cradling her close.

“I can walk.” She mumbles as he moves to the window. “I can do it.”

Bruce hums his agreement, grappling away from her tiny, musty apartment. “I don't doubt it.” His breath ruffles her hair, warm against her ear. “But you don’t have to. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Steph's hand contracts on his suit, bunching the fabric, and if a tear slips out of her eye, well... its just the wind. 

[camillomea]

red bond 1:

here is first episode i hope you like it.

When Tim woke up, he heard voices coming from inside. When he opened his eyes, he was in his room. There was a weight on his chest. When he looked there, there was a cat on his chest, its eyes open and looking at him. He meowed. Tim said, “Good morning to you too Nora.” The cat meowed again and got off his chest. Tim straightened up. He stood up. Nora had gone to his shoulders and wrapped her neck like a scarf as he stood up.

He went to the door and opened it. Hesitantly, he said, “Jay.” The voices suddenly stopped. Footsteps were heard.

Jason stuck his head into the hallway and asked, “Timmy, are you awake?”

Tim nodded, “Good morning,” he said.

Jason asked, “Good morning BabyBird, how are you feeling?”

Tim said, “Better,” smiling.

Jason ruffled his hair, “Breakfast is ready.” Tim nodded silently.

Jason asked, “Did Nora decide to be your neck warmer today?” Tim nodded silently. Jason gently petted Nora. Nora hummed. Jason ruffled Tim's hair with his other hand. Tim leaned on his hand. They went to the kitchen. Tim was slightly unsteady.

Jason was moving right next to him. When he sat down, he put some tea in front of him and said "drink up baby bird". Tim hummed quietly and took the tea. Coffee was something he had been drinking less for a while. Jason had slowly convinced him to do it. He knew that Jason was doing it because he was worried about his health. His life had gotten a lot better in the 1 year he had been in his care. Even though he had probably spent the first 3 months in a coma, that was enough. He trusted Jay and his friends with his life and he would always trust them. He knew that Jason was only worried about him. So he didn't go against his rules anymore.

Jason said "Hey are you okay Red" Tim nodded silently and drank the tea. He hummed quietly at the taste of the tea. Jason smiled at her action. He put some pancakes in front of him, cut into bites. Tim looked at it but remained silent, avoiding his gaze.

Jason sat down next to him "Eat it all, okay little bird? Don't forget to say if you want more" he said. Tim nodded silently, put the cup on the table and started eating.

Jason was watching him while he was eating from his own plate "So are you going to accompany me today Red Bird?" Tim suddenly looked up at him in surprise.

Jason said "You made my job a lot easier yesterday by being on the radio" Tim smiled widely then nodded. Jason smiled at that and ruffled his hair.

Tim said "Thanks Jay. For everything" in a low voice.

Jason "Of course little red you are my baby red. You are all baby red of course we will take care of you. Do you remember the promise I made to you?" he asked.

Tim said "Whether I like it or not you will take care of me as long as you are alive" in a low voice.

Jason said "Absolutely. Little bird is under my protection".

Tim blushed. Jason patted his head "Are you in pain baby bird?" he said.

Tim said "A little" quietly.

Jason said “Okay then take your medicine after you have breakfast” Tim nodded silently. The two of them had breakfast silently.

The two of them were eating when the phone suddenly rang. Jason’s eyebrows were furrowed. He picked it up and looked at it, he cursed a few times with the name he saw. He picked it up and opened it “What do you want B?” he said.

Tim quickly raised his head and looked there nervously. Jason listened to the phone for a while then said “What’s it to you whether I’m with you or not?”

Tim was looking at him nervously. Jason said “It’s not up to me whether he talks to you and I’m not going to force him for your nonsense” he said angrily.

He listened to the phone. He turned to Tim “He wants to talk to you” he said without speaking, moving his mouth. Tim looked at him hesitantly. Then he nodded.

Jason put his phone on speaker “I put it on speaker” he said.

Bruce said “Hey Timmy”.

Tim said “Sir Bruce”.

Bruce said “Hey how are you” the tension in his voice could be heard.

Tim said “I’m fine you” quietly. Bruce said, “I’m fine, thanks, it’s good to hear your voice. I haven’t heard it in a while. It’s a relief to hear it again.”

Tim remained silent. Bruce asked, “Well, I wanted to invite you two to dinner today. Of course, if that’s okay with you. What do you think?”

Tim and Jason looked at each other for a moment. Jason said, “We’ll think about it. But we don’t think so.”

Bruce sighed, but said, “Okay, that’s a better answer than no for me. Please at least think about it and let me know at least by 6.”

Jason said, “Okay,” then he ended the call. He turned to Tim. Tim was silent, munching on his pancake in a dull manner. Jason said, “We don’t have to go, baby bird. It’s okay.”

Tim said, “I know, I know.” Jason patted his head. He stroked his hair with his fingers, trying to comfort him. He finally relaxed a little. They continued eating breakfast. Jason always showed him tactile affection, comforting him in this way. He had realized Tim’s hunger for touch shortly after he settled down next to him. That's why he would always approach her tactfully, take care of him and comfort him in this way.

When the meal was over, they cleaned up the kitchen together. Tim had lost most of his body's mobility except for his right arm and shoulder, but Jason knew that he felt useless and that it made him feel depressed. So he always tried to make sure that he didn't feel useless.

When they finished cleaning up the kitchen together, they went to the living room and sat on the couch. Tim was sitting next to Jason on the couch while he did his homework quietly. His back was against his back. Jason was reading a book out loud while he did his homework. They were both relaxed. Nora was lying between their backs.

[fallingsatellive]

This got away from me a little bit because I saw archetrope and got excited to talk about it. The proportion of importance this has to my life/identity to the recognition from the wider alterhuman community of this label is... low

I think of it as its own thing, but it doesn't mean that an archetrope identity can't also be an otherkin one at the same time or have overlaps, especially if someone identifies as an inherently nonhuman archetype, right?

IMO it usually comes down entirely to the individual's internal self-perception, the way they think of the 'type and what it is to them to "be" that. To use your example, I guess the death conceptkin might be more drawn to a 'kin label because on some level they feel as if their species identity is Death, whereas the death archetrope feels like they embody the archetype of death as it appears in culture or fiction, regardless of their own species—any animal can die, right? Perhaps a death archetrope is also a rat therian and relates the most to Death of Rats from Discworld :P

I guess someone could be an archetrope because they feel they had a past life as a knight, but I don't really think know if it can be a "past life thing," because either way, a knight archetrope would be someone who identifies as a knight NOW in some way, and finds ways that their life reflects this. When I say I am a wanderer archetrope, it is not a character; I just am a wanderer, which makes me an archetrope, not the other way around, so I guess the guy I'm identifying as is "me" or even "me, but happy" lmao. But again if the person in question doesn't see that distinction for their own archetype and also considers it a sort of fictotype, who am I to say "that's not how it's done"

Idk what's meant by character tropes exactly but I have a general idea and I do think by identifying as a time loop archetrope someone would be implying at the very least that they consider the time loop in fiction to be a conscious, decision-making agent in the story. Which isn't entirely WRONG but I guess is subjective. Fantasy aside, I don't think it's just "anything that would be found in a story," because most things would

If it is for you, it is, like I said but I do NOT think you can have memories of your archetype, I think those would just be past life memories, because your archetype is something that you are now, not really its own being. So even if those feelings are due to a past life, it would probably be more like a theme that has followed you, not something like still feeling mentally a [species/concept/etc.] because in a past life your soul was in a body of that shape. As for shifts I've never heard anyone say so before and I certainly never have, unless you'd count wanting to do something affirming and then doing it or feeling frustrated if I can't. I never feel more or less like a wanderer. I'm just a wanderer because I tend to do that, usually very literally, and the label follows that reality. Not to say all archetropes live up to their archetype constantly or you have to to be one but the general idea is that that lifestyle is how you see yourself.

YES and YES. Oh my g-d do I. I'd kind of always like to be doing things that make me euphoric as my archetype long-term and if I couldn't even be convinced to stay in the same geographic region for over 3 years then I don't know who still thinks that I can be convinced to stay in the house when I could be in the woods or park or river and haven't been chained down yet. But like... it's not quite the same feeling as species dysphoria? Species dysphoria, and gender dysphoria is kind of the same way, comes from not being seen the way I know that I am. Gender dysphoria was being told "you don't do that, you are a woman." Species dysphoria is being told "you don't do that, you are a human." No one who knows me for more than a day would say "yeah, you're a real homebody huh? You never seem to change or move around a lot. You don't do that, you aren't exactly a wanderer at heart!" Archetype dysphoria doesn't usually come from other people's perceptions or judgments, not in a way that (for me at least) can't be instantly confirmed inaccurate in less than a conversation. Even people who'd still call me a woman 4 years on T wouldn't pretend I haven't lived in like 4 places in 3 years and seem physically incapable of just standing still somewhere. That feels good, but it also feels 100x worse when I do have to stand still than not being seen as a bird in everyday life does.

ive been reading about archetropes lately, mainly because its an interesting identity and also because im questioning being one myself. so, i have some questions for the community if thats okay!

does archetropy fall under the otherkin umbrella? or is it just alterhumanity?

what is the difference between archetropes and conceptkin? why is, for example, being the concept of death conceptkin, but being the character trope "Death" archetrope?

is there a difference between being an archetrope and being OCkin (or even being fictionkin)? if you are, for example, an archetrope of "the Knight" does that mean youre a specific knight? (i only ask this because ive seen one being in the archetrope tags making a moodboard of their life as a knight)

are archetropes only for character tropes? like can you just be the trope of "Time Loop" or do you have to be a character that is trapped in a time loop? and if you can, what would be the difference to just being time loop kin?

is being an archetrope connected to past lives? can you have memories of being your archetrope type? can you have shifts (mental or otherwise)?

how does being an archetrope affect you on your daily life? do you do things that make you euphoric as your type? can you have dysphoria for not acting like your type?

you dont have to answer to all these to respond! if you dont know or dont want to answer a question feel free to skip it /gen. thank you!

[sleepyagent]

Sometimes I feel like some things are about me like u usually never tell me youll reply later esp after idk 8pm. So why now? So random. Usually you just roll over, next day, next moin, new chance to reply or not. Most often not anyway unless i repeat.

But again ppl tend to think in ego centric ways and it may just be conceited of me and unreflected to think things r about me at all.

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[sacchiri]

Hellsing 2002 calendar illustration.

Ein wunderliche und erschröckliche Hystori von einem großen Wüttrich genant Dracole wayda Der do so ganz unkristenliche marrter hat angelegt die mensche, als mit spissen als auch die leut zu Tod geslyffen

A wondrous and frightening story about a great berserk called Dracula the voivode who inflicted such unchristian tortures such as with stakes and also dragged people to death

[wildstar25]

What physical part(s) of Arsay does her partners find the most attractive! Is it the same for all partners or does it differ between them?

(also optional bonus ask of what part(s) of/about Arsay generally do they love the most, physical or not!)

Meanwhile, if you were to ask the same of Arsay:

[pikkish]

idk if this is a good prompt but put doomguy in myhouse.wad I think he would find it enriching

Right, so I've been mulling on this one for a little bit now, n I'm not opposed to writing something for you, I'm just not... entirely sure what to write? Because the thing is, myhouse.wad doesn't actually really have anything to do with Doom as a story. Sure, Doom is important in that it's the vessel through which the story is told and one of the connections between the narrator and his dead companion. But as far as Doom itself goes, and the story about a man who was too angry/stupid to die, fighting demons and saving earth, none of that is at all relevant to myhouse.wad and its story. For all intents and purposes, Doomguy isn't actually a character in myhouse.wad. So I'm not really sure how exactly to fit him in there.

[legionofpotatoes]

been playing bits and pieces of horizon forbidden west! game's pretty as hell

[konfizry]

ahhh i just remembered alphen and shionne are gonna be at the next tales of festival again and damn that's three times in a row for them!!! that's amazing (for me specifically)!! like genuinely i assumed last year would be the last time they were gonna have both of 'em on, bcause, well it can't be the arise Celebrity Couple all the time, everybody's probably sick of them already and the hype's gone down and all that, and heck they even hinted at that in one of the kagenare, but!! against all odds i get yet another year or shimoji and satotaku performing together

[bobasnonbeliever]

only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out

im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.

but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.

i want to decompose.

writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.

[mugwot]

hm

[appleonjust-ice]

someone tagged the next times led display at the bus stop youve GOT to be kidding me

[sea-buns]

I can't help but be so unsettled by Bor'dor's questions in the recent ep. And I wonder if it's just me having a poor read, but like Deni$e was asking some of the same things and I felt completely fine with her. First of all, I wish the "Was he born evil?" had been corrected at the table. No one is born evil. I feel like even in the twisted and chaotic world of Exandria, this should still resonate the same. Even from the standpoint of a guy who's lived such a simple black/white existence– it felt like an incredibly radical statement.

But then asking how many people they killed? And being incredibly insistent about it?? "Do you think you killed enough?" It was never about killing as many people as possible. It was just about killing one guy. And if his followers got in their way you kinda have no choice but to fight back or give up now and it all goes to waste. But was that an odd question or had the team just not been clear enough the many times they described their enemy in past discussions? I felt like they had been... but then again I'm as invested as they are, fully capable of forgetting to include info that would be vital to someone who had never even seen a wizard until a few days ago.

There was just something to Bor'dor that felt incredibly off. No one of bells hells ever set any expectations that these three would join them after they found a way off the continent. His talk with Orym in the last ep was very supportive and kind and gentle. But this discussion felt like a complete 180. There was an air and tone to it all that seemed so aggressive and accusatory. The stark contrast from "if this is so important to you I hope you succeed. I'll help where I can while we're together" to the "is this what you wanted? Are you satisfied? What makes you think you can change anything? You should just cut your losses and go home" had me reeling. I feel a bit trapped between being genuinely suspicious and doubting my judgement cuz maybe I'm just not reading it right.

[thebigqueer]

i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do