#So I’m reading a diary and going :/ at it and that makes me uncomfortable too but… it’s :/

[museenkuss]

Maybe I’m getting old but lately most of what Lana has been putting out has been repetitive and boring in sound and at times downright embarrassing in text.

[ronwestbreeze]

you’re gonna go far | 1

pairing: jake sully x neytiri x tsu'tey x fem!human!reader summary: a scientist arrives on pandora (unwillingly) a year after the exile of the rda. now she must deal with the likes of a clan leader, a great warrior, and a thanator rider. . . word count: 7.k

read on AO3

15 October 2146

Dear Joan Reeds,

Hi Mom.

I know we’ve been sending video diaries to each other since you went to Pandora a year ago and this might be a little strange, but I thought writing this to you would be a lot less impersonal than sending a video. I don’t know, watching myself emote on camera has always made me uncomfortable—so when I respond to your video diaries, know that I’m actually excited to see them and not incredibly bored as I appear.

If that’s why you’ve stopped sending videos, because you think I’m bored of them, I promise you I’m not. And I miss your videos…

Year 2150

“—Unfortunately, your mother, along with the rest of the twelve other scientists had died before we were able to get them into quarantine.” One out of the three in military uniforms said.

You don’t quite remember how you got here.

Last you checked, your mother, Joan, was leaving for a huge project located on a discovered moon in the Alpha Centauri System. Pandora. An inhabited planet that the human population hoped to relocate. To find a newer home. Instead of the dying planet they created.

Joan had been accepted into the Avatar Program, a branch of the big project that had less to do with taking and more so giving. She, an esteemed scientist herself, would get to work with others like her. To explore a planet you only saw in dreams.

Dreams that would remain that way for a while.

You were only an apprentice at the time, ten years before 2150. Therefore, unqualified to accompany your mother on this new adventure. All you could do was be happy for her, even if she would be gone for a long, long time. But it was hard to be angry at that fact, remembering vividly how your mother looked before she left.

Identical eyes staring lovingly and worriedly back at you. Manic worry if anything.

“I want you to watch over the forest while I’m gone.” Joan laughed at your stunned expression. “You’ve been studying under me for years now, don’t be so shocked! You’ve followed me like a loyal shadow. My little shadow. You are the Head of the Amazon Division now. I trust you’ll continue my work.”

“Mom—I—are you sure?” A younger version of you asked. Ten years earlier you. “What if—how do you know? That I’m even ready? Surely there are more qualified scientists—”

Joan grinned, another identical trait you shared with her. “You have as much love for the Earth as I do. You have this determination, unlike any, to save it. To save what is left of this dying world, our home. Some might find it naïve. Others might discover a whole new planet to live on.” You smiled as she chuckled at that. “Yes, you will work with my second-in-command, he will show you the ropes—not like you already don’t know it—but he will be by your side until you are old enough to officially take over. But I have no doubt you can do it. And I need you to believe it too.”

There was a certain glow in your eye that matched your alight and determined face. This childlike wonder. This unyielding ball of hope that was you.

You nodded surely, holding her hand tightly, “I’ll do it. I’ll keep it safe for you.”

“Promise?”

You pressed your lips into a line, “Do you wanna pinky swear on it?”

Joan gasped, her face lighting up instantly. “I thought you’d never ask!”

Rolling your eyes at her excitement, you locked your pinky with hers. Tight and sure.

“I haven’t done this with you since I was five.”

“You’re never too old to make a promise!”

Joan then pulled you into a tight hug. Small drops of wetness fell onto your shoulder.

Neither of you said anything for a while.

She finally pulled away and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I’ll come back for you. My little shadow.” That was her promise.

Then she walked out of the door. And all you could do was smile for her. You couldn’t even be sad.

The woman in uniform spoke up next. “Dr. Reeds? I know this is difficult information to process—"

You still didn’t remember how you got here.

Last you checked, Joan had been on Pandora for nearly five years now.

During those years, you managed to keep your promise in the beginning.

There were more trees planted, the water was becoming cleaner as the days rolled by, and you managed to gain some military protection for the forest—along with more researchers joining the cause.

During the first year of her in Pandora, your mother would send you video diaries of her time on Pandora, which prompted you to send videos back in reply. Showing your progress so far and everything you have accomplished.

One time she sent a video of her crying dramatically while holding up a picture of you as a toddler.

“Look what I found in my suitcase—sniffles—you were so small and cute back then—sniffles—guys look how cute my baby is!”

You remembered cringing and smacking your head against the table. Some of your colleagues also enjoyed a chuckle or two.

Tell me about the creatures and the plants. Take me on one of your treks through the forest in your avatar body. I enjoyed those videos the most. I always looked forward to them, even if you think I thought it was boring or too much of a lecture. I promise you it wasn’t.

I wasn’t mad about the baby picture by the way. Yes, maybe embarrassed—I was fourteen, Mom—but it’s nice that you took something with you to remember me by.

Also don’t worry about the forest, everything’s fine here. I saw all your emails asking about it. And I don’t want you to worry too much, not so much that it would ruin your experience up there. I have everything under control, Mom…

Sometimes the videos had nothing to do with talking. Joan one time sent a video of her sleepily talking to you about anything until she eventually fell asleep. The rest of the video would be of her sleeping.

You told her she didn’t have to send videos when she should be resting.

“I just want to see you, honey.” She would respond back. “Plus, talking to you is always a perfect end to my day.”

So you didn’t complain. Talking to her, seeing a new video arrive in your inbox always made your worst days just a bit brighter.

After the first year, Joan stopped sending videos. You didn’t think anything of it at first. All you assumed was that she was buried in her work. Which meant that whatever she was doing, must’ve been important. Life-changing even. And you weren’t going to interrupt that.

One year turned into two.

Two turned into three.

Four.

Four years of radio silence.

Scarily, you allowed yourself to wonder if she forgot about you.

And before you knew it, that thought abruptly left your mind in place of another.

The forest was on fire.

You remember rushing around the lab, grabbing every research hard drive, journal—anything important and belonging to your mother’s long hardworking years of work before it could be destroyed by the fire.

But. But none of it mattered.

The forest burned to the ground. Everything your mother worked for. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

“Dr. Reeds?”

Your hands were covered in ash and blisters.

She was dead. Her forest burned down a day ago.

Now the three in uniform stood with you in what was left of the forest. The grey daylight haunting in the smoke.

The mask you wore protected your facial expressions. “When did she…?”

One of the men cleared his throat. Two men and one woman. “Four years ago. A few months after she first arrived on the planet. Their lab was compromised with a deadly toxin—”

“You said that already.” You pointed out impassively.

The male nodded, “Right—We were sent straight after, unfortunately, the journey from Pandora to Earth takes…”

You turned away from them. You wanted to throw up. You want to scream and call them liars.

But you were older now. Emotions controlled. Face restrained.

There was a certain dullness in your eyes that matched your worn and solemn face. This beaten and bruised resolve. This unyielding wave of resentment that was you.

Your mother had been dead for four years.

Without you knowing about it until now.

Everything you had thought. Had assumed. It meant nothing.

You thought she had abandoned you. You thought you were alone.

Turns out she was already gone.

And you were still alone.

Blinking away ash—tears maybe, you couldn’t tell—and looked back at the three in uniform. “Alright. You told me. Thank you for coming.”

With that, you begin to walk away and continue cleaning the spot you’d been working on before the uniforms had approached. Dumping the burnt bark and ash of what used to be trees into a plastic bag.

“There’s one other thing, Dr. Reeds.” The woman spoke next. You tried not to scowl in irritation and reluctantly turned back to them. “Before your mother passed, she asked that you take her place.”

Your heart lurched and your body grew stiff.

“The late Dr. Reeds had made a lot of progress on some research that could’ve been beneficial for our organization and project.” The woman tucked her hands behind her back, back straight as she continued in a matter-of-fact tone. “We need someone like you who can continue the work without fail and who knows Dr. Reeds…particular work ethic.” You frowned at the wording. The woman—she seemed to be leading this small crusade. “We have an avatar waiting for you. All you need to do is come with us to Pandora.”

And there it was. Anyone would’ve seen this as a second chance. Another opportunity to fix your mother’s legacy. To keep your promise.

But all you saw was something else you could screw up. Something else for you to destroy by fire. Another way to fail her. The forest was gone. You had killed the forest. Now they wanted you to take your mother’s place—possibly to work on something shady that they have full control over. When was it enough?

When would people stop expecting you to be Joan Reeds? When would they see that you were nothing like her? That you weren’t their savior, that you weren’t someone to turn to whenever the original goal didn’t work? You were nothing. Everything you touched ended up destroyed. So why?

Why would your mother want you to take over her perfectly structured sculpture? When all you were was the hammer that shattered it down to pieces.

You tightened your jaw, “I’m good here. Again, thank you for coming.”

Once more, you tried walking away.

“Unfortunately, Dr. Reeds, it is not a request.” Now you were scowling at the woman, not bothering to hide the expression this time. “We’re in dire need of your mother’s expertise. She can identify resources that the RDA has collected—better than anyone. And we could use these sources to put those…our enemies in place. Heal poisons we have little information about. Your mother—”

“My mother, it seems, had no idea what she was getting into when she accepted that job for the Avatar Program.” You sized all three of them up with a quick resolve. “You’re RDA, correct? Hmm, my mother may not have seen it but I do. I see right through you all.” With that, you raised your chin and steeled your back. “So, for the last time. Thank you for coming. Now if you’ll excuse me, I just learned my own mother’s fucking dead. I’d like to take the time to grieve if you don’t mind.”

As you turned to leave again, your mind wandered. Your eyes stared bleakly at what used to be a beautiful forest. It used to be so life-like. So, so beautiful.

Your mother was gone. And so was her forest.

Maybe you should’ve seen it as a sign.

Mother dead. Forest gone.

And where were your tears?

You stopped walking suddenly when something sharp hit the back of your neck.

Instantly, without warning, your body crumbled to the ground with a thud.

Breathing was difficult. Your body couldn’t move. Black shoes filled your vision.

“Apologies, Doc. But I did say it wasn’t a request.”

Slipping from your control, everything went dark.

If you must know, your forest is making amazing progress. We planted exactly thirty more trees in the past two months and they’ve grown healthily! I’ll send you pictures of them once I’ve sent this letter.

But as I said before, there’s nothing for you to worry about here. If I wanted your help, I would’ve asked and you know this. You should be focusing on making life-changing discoveries on Pandora. Also, have you met Dr. Grace Augustine yet? I’ve just finished her book and I have many questions! Can you, possibly, maybe relay my questions to Dr. Augustine? If you’re not busy of course…

Year 2155

It had been a good day for Jake Sully.

A long and grueling hunt had ended with many other warriors succeeding in their finds, just enough to feed their families, enough to feed the entire clan.

His pride only swelled more when his mate and the current Olo’eyktan grinned proudly at him as they started their way back home.

“You’ve gotten better, ma’tiyawn.” Tsu’tey had said with a smirk.

Jake’s heart warmed, “Well, I had an amazing teacher.” Tsu’tey looked even more smug then until Jake added. “Tell Neytiri I said thanks.”

A huff left his mate's mouth and Jake laughed at his reaction. “Tell her yourself, skxawng!”

When they both returned to their new home—a new location after the Hometree was destroyed last year—it wasn’t long before their third mate, Neytiri made her way back from a hunt as well. And Jake was right. She had to be one of the best hunters of the clan as she came carrying back a rather large sturmbeest at her tail. Large enough for tonight’s celebration. She yipped loudly, raising her bow up in a cheer as she returned to the clan.

Jake and Tsu’tey couldn’t take their eyes off their mate.

Once she managed to get to them, Tsu’tey was the first to meet her in a warm and tight hug—careful to watch for the baby carrier strapped to her chest.

“And how was our boy’s first hunt?” Tsu’tey smiled down at the one-month-old child, their firstborn, Neteyam, who smiled at the sight of his papa. His smaller hands grabbed onto one of Tsu’tey’s fingers.

“He will make a great hunter.” Neytiri smiled down at him, grabbing Tsu’tey’s other hand. “And you? Did you find anything?”

Jake chuckled, looking back at the sturmbeest a few warriors carried by. “Not as good as you, babe. Let’s just say if we had made it a bet, you would’ve won easily.”

“What’s a bet?” Tsu’tey questioned, with a furrow in his brow.

“I’ll tell you later.”

When they made it back to their hut—Jake did a quick look around to find that it was empty. Sending a silent prayer to Eywa, which he found himself doing a lot more recently, he was relieved to find that Tsu’tey’s mother was nowhere in sight.

Artsut, who had been a frequent visitor to their home ever since Neteyam was born. Before then she had steered clear of their hut—not wanting to go anywhere near Jake. He was a demon, a false body, the stain on their clan. Jake was fine with her being away from the hut—that was when he could tolerate her the most.

But after Neteyam was born, after the perfect Na’vi baby had come out of Neytiri, Artsut came around more to care for her grandson. Which meant Jake had to deal with more of her comments and sneers—and he would. For his son.

Forcing Artsut to not see her grandson would’ve been too cruel—not just for his son but for Tsu’tey as well. Tsu’tey—who wanted to keep the peace between his mates and his mother. Tsu’tey, the only male in his family who is able to stand up to her and not take any of her shit.

So, Jake wasn’t worried for the most part. Artsut would play nice for Tsu’tey—her favorite son. Omatikaya’s rightful Olo’eyktan. And Jake would ignore her presence. A fair compromise.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to worry about seeing her now. Otherwise, his very good mood would be ruined.

“I went to see my mother today,” Neytiri said as she took Neteyam out of the carrier and gave him to Tsu’tey who was standing right next to her.

“For more training or something else?” Jake questioned, analyzing her body in a quick scan for any injuries he might’ve missed. “Are you okay?”

She smiled softly and pressed her hand to her stomach, “She told me that Eywa has blessed us with another child.”

Tsu’tey’s eyes widened and Jake’s mouth hung open. Neteyam watched them all quietly.

Neytiri looked down shyly, her ears fluttering, “I wanted to tell you at the celebration for a surprise but I couldn’t wait so—”

She didn’t get to finish as Tsu’tey launched himself at her, wrapping her in a tight hug, earning a joyous laugh from her. A large smile Jake hadn’t seen for a minute. Not since they first discovered Neteyam was coming.

Jake rushed over after placing his hunting equipment down, “You’re pregnant?” Neytiri nodded as Tsu’tey pulled away with a smile of his own. A grin broke out on his face as he pulled her in for a loving kiss, “Oh baby, I love you so much.”

All three of them joined together then—including Neteyam who giggled at their smiles. Sharing kisses, long hugs, and large smiles that they couldn’t contain.

Happiness was simple. That was what Jake believed.

He never thought he could achieve something like that. Not on Earth. Hell, no even on Pandora. Not after everything—but he worked hard for it. He kept going, wanting to prove to himself and his mates that he belonged there. That he was one of the People. That he would be a good mate. A good father.

And not something that destroys everything by a single touch.

Happiness was as simple as it was rare.

Whenever it came, Jake grasped onto it as tightly as he could. Because he never knew when he’d ever have it again.

He held on tight when Tsu’tey survived the battle against the Sky People. Nurtured it when Tsu’tey soon joined him and Neytiri in their union as mates. Loved it when Neteyam was born with his eyes and Neytiri’s markings.

But even then, even if he had a well-adjusted life a year into being on Pandora, Jake still had a long way to go. A long path to make up for all the strife he had caused.

For now, he would enjoy this night. He would enjoy being with his mates. He would enjoy this joyous celebration of the sturmbeest and the new life that would be here in nine months’ time.

It had been a good day for Jake Sully.

That night, Neytiri laid between Tsu’tey and him. That night he watched Tsu’tey’s body carefully as he usually did during the other nights. That night he couldn’t shake the warmth in his chest.

Happiness is simple.

At some point, Jake turned onto his back. His eyes trailing up to the sky. Stars. There were always stars here. And every night, Jake counted them until he fell asleep. Every night he had one arm around Neytiri. Every night he reached his hand out just enough until his fingers brushed against Tsu’tey’s bicep. Every night he would be the last out of the three of them—or four if he counted the heavy sleeper that was his son—to fall asleep.

Only this time there was a moving star in the sky. For a moment, Jake thought he was dreaming.

But the star kept moving. Closer and closer toward Pandora. Until Jake knew that it wasn’t a star anymore.

A body shifted, Jake instantly got up and placed gentle hands on Tsu’tey’s shaking body, trying his best to calm his mate down from the nightmares. Not knowing what he would do if he had to tell him—to tell Neytiri—that they were about to wake up in one.

It had been a good day.

Until it wasn’t.

Do you think I’ll like Pandora? I still dream about it. Being there with you. Do you still want me to come one day?

You woke up on a ship.

“Hold her down boys.”

At the moment, you hadn’t realized your body jerked roughly or that you were now being held down in your seat by a bunch of hands, far stronger and firmer than you. Never mind the tight seatbelt across your lap, no, they wanted to make sure you couldn’t escape.

So, you screamed. A horror-filled cry that sucked in all sound in the ship. Leaving the rest of the passengers with nothing but silence and your scream.

“Calm down, Doc.” The woman sat across from you spoke. The very same woman that approached you in your mother’s forest. “We wouldn’t want you harming yourself before we even get to the planet.”

With as much strength as you could muster, you tried pulling away from the two men sitting on either side of you, whose grips were practically steel. “What did you do?! Where the hell am I?!”

“I already told you five years ago, it wasn’t a request.”

You didn’t need to ask what she meant by five years. Your mother had told you about the process that got her to Pandora in one of her video diaries. You didn’t have to figure it out in your hazy state without getting pissed.

“You stole five years off me! What the fuck is wrong with you people!?” You seethed.

The woman looked unconcerned toward your outburst. “Your mother’s work is too important to give up, Doc. She and her group of scientists were close to probably giving us the one edge we needed against the Na’vi. The inhabitants of Pandora. With your mother gone along with the rest of her group, we were desperate for a replacement. Which is why we needed you. Which is why we wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Why the hell would I help you?!” You snapped, still fighting against the two male’s hold on you. “Get off me!”

“Boys.” The woman gestured for them to let go. After a pause, the hands were gone from your arms. And that was when you began to notice your surroundings.

Yes, you were on some type of ship with a few other soldiers. All of you strapped down to seats. And instead of your ash-covered clothes, you were now in a simple grey tank top, borrowed camouflage pants, and black combat shoes.

Slight groans and whines along the walls told you that the ship was still flying.

So you couldn’t escape even if you wanted to. You had been practically kidnapped by the military—the RDA.

And you were trapped.

That is, until you reach Pandora.

“Now if you’re done throwing a fit,” The woman brought out a tablet and held it toward you. “I’m Captain DeVoe, by the way. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Doc.”

You didn’t take the tablet.

Captain DeVoe sighed before pulling the tablet away and began typing on the screen. “Your mother had been close to finding a way to create an antidote for the neurotoxin those savages use on the tip of their arrows. It’s dangerous for us humans. And our goal is to get this small obstacle out of the way in order to proceed with our mission.”

You let out a short laugh, your body still tense and trapped. “Like I said. Why the hell would I help you? What my mother does has nothing to do with me.”

“Oh, but it does, honey,” DeVoe smirked while you scowled. The captain had to have been in her mid to late twenties. Her hair was cut short into a blonde buzzcut. Toned muscles underneath her long-sleeved shirt. She looked like she could break you in two without even breaking a sweat. So there was no point in trying to fight her. At least not in this confined space.

She held out the tablet to you. And again, you didn’t reach for it. Instead, you pressed your back against the wall behind you. DeVoe didn’t lower the tablet. From your spot, you could see on the screen a light blue rectangle and a digital lock above it.

“She’s kept everything we need behind a lock. Her last words were for you to unlock it and finish her work.”

You raised a brow and crossed your arms, “Those were her last words?” Another brittle laugh left your lips. “Wow, you all must be very desperate.” You continued to laugh, unafraid of the glare the captain sent you. “Fuck you. Fuck everyone on the ship and fuck the RDA! I haven’t even gotten to see her body yet—did you even bury her? Or did you toss her aside when you didn’t find any use for her anymore?”

DeVoe blinked and frowned. She then sighed, “I am sorry for your loss, Dr. Reeds. Really, I am. And I know emotions are quite high right now—”

“Fuck you.” You snorted humorlessly before leaning back against the wall again. The two men on either side of you shifted. You ignored them.

“Yes, you’ve said that already.” DeVoe tucked the tablet down next to her right thigh. You glanced at it briefly before directing your scowl back to the woman.

A speaker suddenly came to life above all of you. “We’ve entered the atmosphere. Landing in twenty.”

You sat up straighter as everyone suddenly began placing what looked like advanced oxygen masks on their faces.

Through all your righteous anger, you hadn’t truly realized it until right then. You were on Pandora. You were going to land in the place of your dreams.

And you refused to be happy about it.

DeVoe handed you a mask as she grabbed bags from under her seat. “Quaritch was always good at being persuasive. He’ll convince you. He always—"

A loud boom rattled your ears.

The ship suddenly flipped—if not for the seatbelts, you would’ve flipped too—and then it felt as if you were falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

You put on the mask in hopes of helping bring the air back into your lungs.

Falling.

Falling.

Thud!

Do you remember your second-in-command? JJ? Well, he retired recently. We threw him a really big party. Plus, he just had a baby too. I think it’s a girl last I checked, I’m going to have to ask Cheryl about that—you know her. Always being in the know with her coworkers…

There was no light. Heat closed in all around you, suffocating you and fogging your mask—or was that your quick breaths? No, that was the smoke.

Your ears rang terribly. People were moving but you couldn’t see who. Someone suddenly grabbed your arm, cut the seatbelt from your lap, and practically hauled your body from the seats and through the smoke.

You weren’t walking. A striking pain in your thigh prevented you from doing so.

Suddenly there was light. Lots of it. Your vision was somewhat clear enough to see that you were now outside. Enough for you to see that the one dragging you was a feral-looking DeVoe.

“Shoot them all down now!” She screamed. There was a long gash along her toned arm. “Contact base! We need backup ASAP!”

Finally, you realized what was happening.

There was fire—why was there always fire?

The large, winged creatures flew above the damage with people riding them. There were yips and hollers from the people on the creatures mixed with the explosions and shouts from DeVoe.

As your senses began coming back, as the world began to set around you, your instincts finally kicked in.

While DeVoe was distracted giving orders, you searched the ground until your eyes landed on a nearby rock. Quickly, you lunged for it, grasped it, and smacked it in the back of her head without wasting another second.

And the impact was hard too. You were sure you heard a loud crack from it.

When DeVoe ducked and stumbled, her grip on you loosened, giving you the chance to run. Or rather, limp through the wreckage and away from the fight happening around you.

But because of your leg, you didn’t make it too far.

A sudden weight knocked you down, a cry leaving your lips as you hit the ground. Wincing in pain from the burning in your left leg. When you tried getting up, the weight kept you pinned down. Whatever landed on top of you made sure you wouldn’t be able to move.

“I already told you!” Roughly, you were turned onto your back. DeVoe was on top of you, snarling. “You have no choice! Not when it comes to saving your race!”

“Get off me!” You cried out, trying to push her off. But DeVoe remained as firm as iron.

“That was a cute little stun you pulled back there. But make sure to remember this.” Instantly, she yanked your mask off.

Your eyes were wide and a loud gasp left your lips,

DeVoe grinned, a mad glint in her eye. “Your life is in my hands! That means I protect it or take it just like that! Don’t be stupid, Doc. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. Pick! I protect you or you die!”

You held your breath. More booms sounded around you. More winged creatures flew above you. More yips. More hollers.

Briefly, you glanced at the mask in her hand and considered everything leading up to now. Because you didn’t have much of a choice.

None but one.

Finally, you stopped fighting. Your limbs fell loose against her.

DeVoe nodded with a smirk, “Good choice.” She gave you back your mask and stood up. You kept holding your breath. “Back up should be here soon. We’ll have enough numbers to take down these savages—”

She abruptly cut herself off when you slammed the mask down on your good knee, shattering it.

You then started breathing in the air.

“What are you doing?!” DeVoe screeched, grabbing you by the front of your shirt.

You grinned now, struggling to breathe, “You need me. I don’t need you.”

To them, you were valuable. DeVoe knew this. Which was why you knew she wouldn’t go through with killing you herself. It was like they said on the ship. You were too valuable. And they were desperate.

And that value would be lost once you’re dead.

“Damn you brat!” DeVoe growled as she took off her mask. “Selfish bitch—”

Blood splattered across your face when an arrow found its way through DeVoe’s head.

She slumped against you, the mask falling from her hand and skittering onto the ground a few feet away from you.

Your mind had not realized that DeVoe was killed. Was dead now. All you cared about now was grabbing the mask.

So once you got the dead weight off of you, you began crawling toward the mask. Your breathing becoming a struggle with every passing second.

You hadn’t realized—just like with DeVoe—that someone was watching you. Curiously and quietly following you as you crawled. You didn’t realize you weren’t alone until blue feet appeared in your line of vision. Until four fingers took the mask off the ground and away from your grasp.

A whimper left your lips through hollow breaths as you looked up to find a tall, blue alien woman standing over you. With guarded, yet silently curious yellow eyes.

A Na’vi. You had seen them in your mother’s videos. You had seen her avatar.

“Mom.” You rasped, lying on your back. You didn’t know how much time you had. Might as well stick to the original plan then.

Become invaluable.

But Mom…

“I-I just want my Mom.”

The Na’vi woman just stared at you. Her fierce gaze turned into something somewhat contemplative. You weren’t even sure if she understood you.

Black spots covered your vision.

There was barely any oxygen left to grasp for.

“Demon.”

The Na’vi woman hissed just as you lost consciousness.

This had to be the second time you’ve woken up from passing out.

Only instead of a ship greeting you, it was a white ceiling. And somehow instead of lying dead in the ship wreckage, you were instead lying on a cot. With a bandage wrapped around your injured thigh.

It was slow—slower than before—but everything came back to you. You were on Pandora. DeVoe was dead. At least that’s what you remembered happening. The arrow through her head certainly wasn’t a hallucination.

But why weren’t you dead?

For a while, you just say on the cot. Trying to figure out what exactly happened.

The Na’vi woman. Did she…Did she give you the mask?

No. She’d have no reason to. Something must’ve happened while you were passed out.

You were in some type of cell—perfect—no bars but no doubt some type of impenetrable glass in front of you.

A groan left your lips, dropping your head into your hands.

How the hell did it get so much worse?

A door opened further away from your cell. A thin-looking man stepped through it. A human man.

You watched him carefully and silently. The human male nodded to you. “You must be Dr. Reeds.”

Instantly, you tensed and the words tumbled out of your mouth, “I already told DeVoe I’m not helping the RDA. So torture me all you want but you’re not getting shit from me.”

He raised his brows both curiously and observantly. “The RDA hasn’t been allowed back on Pandora for a year now. Not after the war.”

War? You carefully stood from your cot, “Then why am I here?”

“Because you were on an RDA ship—” You move to protest, “Before you say anything or curse me, I already know about Joan Reeds and your supposed arrival. But unfortunately, you arrived at a pretty bad time. The People are skittish. They think it’s best to keep you here for now—”

“What the fuck?!” You screamed. The resolve was broken. There was no composing anything anymore. Your face was heated. Your muscles ached. Your throat hurting. “I didn’t even want to come here! Those fuckers kidnapped me and now I have to be imprisoned in a cell because of them?! I’m not RDA! I have nothing to do with this! All I want to do is see my mother who I couldn’t even bury!”

Toward the end of your rageful sentence, your voice quivered.

“Is she even buried yet?” You asked him, your voice now quieter.

After a pause, the male nodded. “She was buried. She…She was one of the few humans the Na’vi got along with. They gave her a burial years before. She—I’m sorry for your loss.

Everything was so—heavy. You were just exhausted.

You hadn’t even been able to grieve for her. Cry for her.

“I didn’t even know she was dead.” You sunk back down on the cot. “Not for four years. I didn’t she was dead for four fucking years. And now I’m here. On a planet I’ve been dreaming about since I was young. But now it’s just some fucked up nightmare.”

There was a long silence between the both of you. The male rubbed the back of his neck before saying cautiously, “Yeah, this isn’t ideal—um, I’m Norm, by the way. Norm Spellman. I work in the Avatar Program. I—well, I didn’t know or meet your mother personally but she was an amazing and intelligent scientist. Her work here and on Earth is very admirable.”

You almost scoffed at that but said nothing.

Norm moved to say more but stopped instantly, pressing a hand to his ear. For a beat, you watched him bleakly, as if he were listening to something.

He then turned to you, “Hold that thought.” And as soon as you blinked, he was gone out of the room.

For a moment, it was silent.

And then you cried.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Until your eyes offered no more tears left to give.

Do you remember your second-in-command? JJ? Well, he retired recently. We threw him a really big party. Plus, he just had a baby too. I think it’s a girl last I checked, I’m going to have to ask Cheryl about that—you know her. Always being in the know with her coworkers.

I had to clean up cow shit yesterday. And I’m definitely smiling when I tell you this. It’s progress but you probably get to see and interact with creatures we don’t even have here. So, at least you’re up there…

Norm came back a little later after that. He approached your cell, typing something against the wall. A second later, the glass came down.

You straightened.

“They want to talk to you.” He said.

“Who?” You frowned tiredly as you slowly got to your feet, wincing at your thigh.

Norm thought for a bit, “Some representatives of the clan nearby.”

Reluctantly, you followed Norm out of the cell. He led you through a hallway until you approached a door where Norm grabbed a mask for himself and you.

“They’re right out there.”

When you walked out the door, you were startled to find three winged creatures and tall—really tall—Na’vi waiting at the landing strip where you were sure ships would’ve been. But instead, it looked a bit abandoned.

“Dr. Reeds this is the chief of the Omatikaya Clan, Tsu’tey, that’s Neytiri, and the last one is the clan’s Toruk Makto, Jake Sully.”

You analyzed all three of them. The Na’vi woman—Neytiri—you recognized from the crash. The one that had been standing over you before you passed out. Long braids, warrior paint on her face—matching her body posture she instantly took as soon as you came out of the building, and a bow clutched in one hand with a fierce expression. She was sizing you up. Same as you did.

The next one—Tsu’tey—watched your movements carefully. Out of the three he looked like the one in charge, a leader, someone that of importance. His snarl was severe, even making Norm shift uncomfortably despite it not being directed at him. He gripped a spear tightly in his hands, his eyes following every slight movement you made. As if readying himself to take you down the moment you step out of line. Dangerous beast.

Then there was Jake Sully. If you hadn’t learned his name, you could instantly tell that he stood out somewhat among the three. Compared to Neytiri and Tsu’tey, Jake’s stance was different. More human-like. Like a Marine—which you had been around back on Earth. They were mostly the ones hired as military protection, so you were around them often. Jake was exactly that. But it didn’t make him any less fierce or severe.

Then of course there was the gun that he held—another huge thing that stood out among the three of them.

“And this is Dr. Reeds. She was supposed to replace the late Dr. Joan Reeds, a friend of Grace—”

“Why is she here now?” The leader, Tsu’tey interrupted with a scowl. “We need no more demons here.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek but didn’t say anything. Norm, fortunately, continued talking so you didn’t have to. “The timing’s off, I know, but it’s on record that she was supposed to arrive here upon Dr. Reeds' last request. And confirmed by Dr. Augustine herself. She’s only a scientist, that’s all. We even have an unused avatar waiting for her.”

Tsu’tey didn’t look convinced, not surprising. Neytiri’s eyes never wavered from you. Jake’s tail swished behind him, but his expression was unreadable.

Norm cleared his throat, “If Grace approved of it—”

“Where’s my mother buried?” You asked. All four eyes snapped to you. Norm gave you a look that you ignored. “Spellman told me she had a burial here. I just want to see her. That’s all.”

“And then what?” Jake questioned, eyes narrowed. His face was still guarded.

You didn’t care for it. “I don’t know. Maybe then I’ll go back to Earth and die with the rest of the planet. Does that suffice?”

Tsu’tey frowned, clearly not liking your response while Jake lowered the gun slightly. Neytiri slowly eased out of her defensive stance.

Norm chuckled nervously—attempting to save your sardonic response, “You hear that? She said she’ll leave.”

You breathed out a sigh. God, you were so tired. “I just want my Mom. Please, that’s all I ask.”

Another beat went by before Jake, spoke first but in another language. Tsu’tey didn’t look happy at whatever Jake was saying, his ears were pinned to the sides of his head. Neytiri, on the other hand, looked contemplative.

Eventually, Jake turned back to you with a stern frown, “We’ll have a few warriors take you to your mother’s burial.”

“And after you do not return.” Tsu’tey hissed, his violent eyes pinning you in place. If I see you on my grounds again, I will kill you, demon.”

Jake breathed out through his nose, closing his eyes. He then looked at you, “Understood?”

You huffed, “Loud and clear.”

You’re far away from this mess and I think that’s good. Not that there is a mess, I’m just saying metaphorically….You know what never mind. I hope you’re having fun, Mom.

Please respond. I miss your videos. And it’s getting pretty lonely down here.

I still want you to have fun so don’t put too much energy into trying to respond.

I’ll leave you now.

Love,

your little shadow.

PS.

Remember how you said I accomplish more stuff than you could ever imagine? I kind of get the feeling you were only saying that to make me feel better. It’s pretty clear by now that out of the two of us, you’re gonna go far. Farther than I can reach.

Okay, bye now.

yes, another series! this time i'm going full force with the poly than i do with my other fics. and you guys have this beautiful fanart to thank! also i listened to you're gonna go far by noah kahan the whole time i wrote this chapter so it's probably obvious i was inspired by that song. anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this new mini series of mine for anyone that's still out there in the fandom lol. i hope you guys will give this a chance--and tell me your thoughts when you're done! i love hearing from y'all. full rants and everything!

[foreverdolly]

this is a self pitying post and i’ll probably delete it later- but when i’m sad i tend to write it out. i’ve used this blog like a diary of sorts for the last two and a half years. i’ve developed a relationship with a lot of you on here and i appreciate all the love i’ve received so far on my last post. my friends that i have in real life, no matter how long i’ve known them, don’t know too much about my upbringing or my parents. i hate the idea of trauma dumping- it’s uncomfortable for other people: so don’t read this if you don’t want to. i wouldn’t blame you.

my dad died from cirrhosis due to alcoholism. he died miserable and alone. he had no friends. his family was sick of him. i tried to call him as often as i could but sometimes he could be mean if he was drunk. i knew not to call him after 11:00 in the afternoon because he would start to drink. he lived in his youngest brother’s basement and almost never came upstairs because he was embarrassed. i haven’t seen him in three years because he lives fourteen hours from me, but i tried my hardest to call him every week and keep him involved in my life. he never saw any of my homes, never met any of my friends, and never even saw me drive a car (i’ve been licensed since i was eighteen). i cried to him almost every week, begging him to get sober.

he never recovered from my parent’s divorce, and for that i feel so sorry. he called my mother his soulmate and always spoke in past tense- talking about when me and my brother were little. he would tear up when talking about the first time he ever saw me in the hospital after my mother gave birth, and he was vocal about the fact that i was his favorite. we shared a lot of the the same interests and always had fun when talking.

when my mom made a suicide attempt two years ago he was there for me almost everyday, calling me despite the demons he was battling with himself.

the last time i spoke to him was thursday- a week from the day he died. he told me that he almost called a treatment facility but he got tired and took a nap instead. his doctors appointment was today at one and he was going to ask to be admitted and then go to a rehab facility. i told him i’d send him money while he was in there- he hasn’t been able to hold a job since i was still in high school.

my dad was a chef. a damn good cook- classically trained in french cooking. he had the loudest laugh i’ve ever heard, so much so that it used to make me cry when i was a baby. we used to wear matching costumes and he’d sign me out from school on halloween and call me out the day after. he took me to my first concert, but he couldn’t afford both the gas and the tickets (so i paid for the gas with my pocket change at the age of thirteen). he wore adidas strictly- shell toe was his favorite.

when i was little my dad was on night duty while my mom was away: tucking us in, reading us books. he refused to read to me and walked out the door but not before saying “bed bugs and stuff”. i thought it was so funny. it became our saying. every night we spent with each other we said “bed bugs and stuff”. so that was my last send off to him. i hope he’s finally resting well and isn’t depressed, ashamed or lonely anymore where he is.

he died in his sleep. they found a solo cup filled with vodka next to his bed and i can’t stop thinking about the fact that he was going to get help today. he was yellow due to jaundice. what a cruel world.

[thunderstomm]

I was originally not going to make a post about this, but after seeing a few other posts about it, I wanted to make my own. I have a LOT to talk about.

TW: Transphobia, Homophobia, Ableism

If you don’t know what I’m taking about- there was a post made by a user, who’s name I will not disclose or share, who discussed how they would rewrite the new Monster High G3 Cartoon. While some of the points were mundane, or points of preference, others made me very uncomfortable, as they got rid of much of the diversity that G3 has brought into the Monster High Universe. I want to quickly go through three of the points that I felt were erasing these steps in diversity, and my thoughts on each one, and why I think that it’s iffy, to say the least.

First is the statement “all of the couples from G1 will stay together”. While this may read to some as a preference for the old couples, in the context of rewriting G3- it comes across as the erasure of both couples involving a neurodivergent character being the subject of a crush, and being seen as desirable and loved (Manny x Twyla), and what probably was the intended couples they wanted to seperate, the canonically queer ships. In particular, this is most likely against Clankie (and POSSIBLY an s2 ship which I won’t say by name because some people want to go in blind. Instead I will refer to it as 🧡💚.). In this rewrite context, wanting to take away queer relationships which many writers and designers for Monster High have fought for in many shapes and forms. G1 never had explicit queer characters, the closest things being a scrapped SDCC diary entry (Valentine x Spelldon), Post-Ending 3rd party statements (Clawdeen is a Lesbian, Rebecca x Venus, etc.) and implied characters (Kiyomi). While these are okay, they are NOT the same as explicit queer couples, which are arguably more important to push forward in the talk and scope of present and future representation.

While it is okay to prefer the G1 ships, in the context of bringing them back for G3, it erases these queer couples, and ignores the lore and universe of G3. In G3, Cleo and Deuce are exes. And if you don’t like that, you can still watch G1!! It’s not magically disappeared, the movies and shows and music is all still out there, and most of it is free! But, erasing Clankie, 🧡💚, and other potential queer ships in G3, for the preservation of a m/f ship isn’t okay.

On the subject of erasure, there is the statement “Frankie is still non-binary, but now uses she/they pronouns”. A character canonically using they/them in cartoons, especially ones made for kids, are uncommon. Honestly, I don’t even know if I could name 10, and that says more about the state of non-binary representation than it does about me. While changing the pronouns of a cisgender character to gender neutral ones is often done in fandom, and often not a point of issue, taking a character who is canonically non-binary and solely uses they/them and giving them typically gendered pronouns erases that under represented group, and allows for transphobes to ignore the “they” in “she/they”, and only use “she” for the character. This is an issue in real life too, for many who use multiple sets of pronouns, including myself (they (preferred) / he) ! We deserve both of their sets of pronouns to be used, and people who only use they/them deserve to be referred to by and as they/them. These changes hurt everyone.

Then, we come to the one I see the most talk about, and the one that made me audibly yell “what the f-?!”- taking away Twyla’s canon autism diagnosis, and symptoms & traits, and replacing it with autism coding, so that she is easier to identify with. First of all- easier for who??? Neurotypicals ?? It is incredibly rare to see a character on kids TV outright say “I am autistic”, and Twyla is wonderful as representation. Twyla will not resonate or be relatable to every person- but that is true for all characters, not just autistic ones. Autistic people are not a monolith, it is a spectrum, with many different ways to present itself. Also… taking away all of her traits and symptoms to make her more relatable? These traits and symptoms are what would have made her “autistic coded”, and without them, you have a character who is NT.

Autism isn’t a quirky word you can use to describe anyone, it is a disability, that myself and many others have, and see misrepresented time and time again. And to say that a good example of it is not good, and would be better off to be erased and replaced with coding is insane. Coding is okay, but that’s all it is. Real spoken representation matters so much to me, and so many other people, even if the characters we see are not identical to us in those symptoms and traits they exhibit. These characters should not be changed, but rather, more autistic characters, with different presenting symptoms and traits, should be introduced !

You can like G1, you can prefer G1, but that does not mean that you have to make a sanitised version of G3, that makes it identical to G1. In terms of representation, there is no arguing that G3 has G1 beat. The poster said on their post that “any new characters would be made more relatable”, but… to who? Because I relate to a lot of the G3 characters more than the G1 ones, and I grew up loving G1! It’s not been wiped, all of the media still exists for you to watch, and make headcanons for ! If you like G1- good for you! But please, stop trying to make G3 exactly like it. Because change is inevitable in these kinds of reboots, and it allows for the representation some want to take away.

Thank-You for those who read all the way!

[somewhere-south-of-neutral]

This is a post that I’ve been planning on making for well over a year, but have been putting off repeatedly. Tomorrow, I start my final semester of undergraduate education, however, and I want to go into it as the most myself me I can be. So, to quote the great Rav Hillel, “If I am not for myself, who is for me? [...] If not now, when?”. But first, some backstory.

When I was like two or three, I saw my sister and mother painting their nails and, naturally, I wanted to join them. Apparently, I asked for my polish to be purple, still my favorite color, and my mom is genuinely still proud of the fact that I painted my own toes, apparently very well, at the tender age of not-quite-three. The next day, I went into preschool, and when my preschool teacher saw my toes, she asked me who painted them. I, of course, proudly exclaimed that I had done it myself. 

She then proceeded to gruffly explain to me that I was not allowed to have painted toes, because little boys aren't allowed to paint their nails, and I was a little boy. When I got home, I asked my mom why she let me paint my nails even though I was a little boy and therefore not allowed. 

My mom, who I imagine was as close to genuinely desiring that preschool teacher’s death as she ever has been of anyone’s, before calling the school to ask “what the hell?”, did her best to explain to me that the teacher was wrong. She tried to explain that nail polish, and other nice things in that category, are for EVERYONE, boy or girl. But it was too late, the damage was done.

In the over twenty years since, I never wore nail polish, even when asked if I wanted to join. My parents were successful in instilling in me a deep suspicion of the general idea that some things are “for girls” and others are “for boys”, but I could never apply that suspicion to myself. Sometimes, when you are queer and neurodivergent and learning to mask, you get your wires crossed. Over time, despite my disregard for gender conformity in others, I became deeply uncomfortable with the idea of myself not conforming to a certain degree of gender presentation. 

Boys don’t paint their nails, so mine remained bare.

Boys don’t wear bright colors and patterns, so I am most comfortable wearing grays and blacks and monotone clothing.

Boys don’t show strong emotion, so I maintain an air of stoicism.

Boys don’t cry, so, to this day, even alone, I have trouble letting myself just cry.

The fact that, despite living in a house where all of these stereotypes were actively discouraged, I internalized them all says something about how pervasive they are in our society. 

In second grade, I was very close friends with several of the girls in my class, until the whispers developed into a new internal Rule that (straight) Boys don’t hang out with girls unless they have a Crush. I didn’t have a Crush, so I stopped hanging out with them, because that was the Rule.

I didn’t have many friends in elementary and middle school.

By high school, I had somewhat gotten over that rule. Most of my small friend group was female. That said, I still made sure not to show undue affection, lest anyone think, God forbid, that I was experiencing and/or acting on physical attraction, like some sort of CREEP. 

Then, like two or three years ago (I honestly have zero sense of time at this point) I learned about, realized that I was, and came out as aromantic and asexual. It unlocked something in me. I started saying "I love you" to and hugging my friends (male and female). Realizing that I wasn’t straight let me let go of some of the internalized rules about things that I felt I had to conform to as a straight man, because it turns out I wasn’t. It also let me start thinking about gender. 

I increasingly realized that I didn’t feel super connected to my masculinity. It was just sort of… there. Finally, (reading The Murderbot Diaries helped) it finally cracked and I decided that I didn’t actually need a gender anyway… and then I didn’t do anything about it for an entire year. But now I’m ready to say it:

Hi! I’m agender. I use any pronouns. I am not a boy, and that means I’m allowed to do things that boys don’t do.

Do you like my nails?

[hope-drunk]

ok hear me out.. Bully!Abby who reads through the readers diary and finds out about the readers crush on her?!?!!?... idk, i have no specifics im just infatuated with this plot LOLL also literally obsessed with ur wtiting *chefs kiss* 🤌

nooo bc... bc… (sorry in advance this is all over the place)

i can't see any of my faves as bullies because i’ll cry if they're mean to me BUT i think abby would definitely be rude to you if you were new to WLF.

like she sees this new sweet thing running around base and she’s complaining to manny like, “why’d she even get let in here?”

you’d get paired up with her for patrol and she’d just roll her eyes at you, preparing herself for the extra effort she's gonna have to put in, expecting you to not be able to hold your own.

once you're actually on patrol though, she realizes you aren't as bad as she's anticipating. you're not as good as her, of course, but you weren't terrible.

when you're going back to your own rooms after patrol, she gives you a quick, "good job today." and your heart just flips!!

you can't stop thinking about her after that. you try to stay cool because she very rarely even pays attention to you, but you can't help but talk about her in your diary. scribbling little hearts around her name when you write about your day.

and then one day... you're in the cafeteria, writing down the details of your patrol, and someone calls you across the room, so you walk over to them leaving your diary open on the table, not even thinking about it.

and abby, who was gonna come talk to you about the plans for a run tomorrow, sees your stuff and walks over to it. sits down next to where you've left your food and diary, and she can't help but peak at what you were writing. sits there in shock when she sees her name all over the place, but quickly gets her act together when you walk back over to her.

then she asks you if you’re free, asks you to come back to her room with her to discuss what the plan is for tomorrow. and obviously you agree, quickly packing the journal into your bag and following her to her room like a lost puppy. the whole walk there you can’t help but stare at her back, the way she walks with such determination, the way her shirt is hugging her arms a little too tightly. by the time you approach her door you’ve got yourself worked up, a gooey feeling in your stomach.

“listen, i saw what you wrote in your diary.”

your heart literally drops to your ass, you start profusely apologizing for making her uncomfortable, but she’s quick to cut you off.

“you’ve got a little crush on me, hm? you like when i’m all mean, don’t you?”

you just stare up at her with wide eyes, the embarrassment of being called out makes your cheeks turn red.

“yeah, i bet you do like it. just need someone to give you a firm hand, isn’t that right, sweet girl?”

she swears she can see the thoughts leave your head as you slowly nod up at her. she can’t stop the smirk from spreading across her mouth as she realizes how much fun she’s gonna have messing with you </3.

[exaltedfuzz]

Oh man, that three-part comic you posted. Such wonderful Skye sisters bits.... And making me want to take out Gant's knees with a baseball bat. >:| Really good content, loved the bit with the Snackoos, and the part with "SHE needs YOU?" Gant's notepad is a nice touch! Would you mind transcribing it though? Some of it is a bit hard to read. ^^; (Tiny side-note, but your British is showing; they drive on the right side in America, which means the driver's seat is on the left side of vehicles. :v )

Thank you so much! Really glad I could get both the sisters and Gant across successfully. It was originally a screenplay, so enjoy reading!

(I did realise that about the car. I didn't really want to re-layout everything... Besides, write what you know, right?)

Anyway! Here's my screenplay, under the cut. I figure pages and pages of text isn't fair to make people scroll through on my blog.

(And, in case you haven't seen it, here is my comic!)

SCENE - GANT and LANA’s office. They’re having a meeting. (set shortly after SL9)

GANT

Mighty fine to see you, Miss Skye. (shaking head) You’re always so busy… (looking up) How’s your sister?

LANA

Fine. She’s (looking aside) doing very well at school.

GANT

Such a smart girl. (nodding towards Lana) Like her big sister.

LANA

Thank you, sir.

GANT

I know you took the advanced bar. You ought to have told me yourself, Lana.

LANA

I… I did. I’m waiting on the results.

GANT

Oh, I can tell you. You passed with flying colors. Such a smart girl.

LANA

It’s a relief to hear.

GANT

Oh, Lana, don’t be so tense - we’re friends here. You and me.

Beat

‘Cause, remember, I’m the only one who knows. (uncomfortable smile)

LANA

Yes, sir. 

GANT

Lana, please - Damon. Not sir. I’ve told you before.

LANA

Yes, Damon.

GANT

(claps) That’s right. I’m so very proud of you, you know.

Beat

And I’ve done something for you.

Beat

Oh, you don’t have to thank me.

LANA

…What is it?

GANT

I’ve fast tracked you. Pulled a few strings. Talked to Blaisey, talked to the P.I.C. (very enunciated)

LANA

You didn’t have to, sir.

GANT

Oh yes, I did.  Chief Prosecutor Lana Skye.

LANA

(taken aback) Sir-

GANT

Damon.

LANA

(leaning forward in chair) Police Chief Gant, SIR! I can’t possibly accept that. What of…

GANT

Calm down, young lady. Manny? Oh, he’ll live. The prosecutors’ office needs you. You know I’m all for feminism, women in leadership.

LANA

I’ve never prosecuted in my life.

GANT

Oh, Lana, don’t talk like that. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to Ema, would you?

(Lana sits back in her seat)

Beat

I know you’re raising her on your own.

Beat

On a detective’s salary, no less.

LANA

No. Yes, I mean.

GANT

(laugh) Oh, Lana, you are a funny one. (suddenly serious) But you know what Ema did.

LANA

(chewing her nails) Yes.

GANT

It would be a shame. She’s all geared up to take up a prime position in the lab soon as she’s out of school…

LANA

She doesn’t need any help.

GANT

Oh, but she does. Did you forget? Our very own Neil Marshall…

Beat

What a diligent boy. Little too much for his own good. Maybe. (laugh)

Beat

Oh, whoops! Remind me, who killed Neil Marshall?

LANA

…Joe Darke.

GANT

Come on now. Say it with me, Lana. Ema Skye.

Beat

LANA

It was an accident.

GANT

Well, sure. That’s why we’ve worked so hard to make Ema innocent.

Beat

But I need you in the chief prosecutor’s office.

Beat

You look queasy. Why don’t we go for a swim?

LANA

I didn’t bring a swimsuit.

GANT

(laugh) Oh, you crack me up. Tomorrow, we’ll go swimming. Don’t forget, OK? I’m writing it in my diary.

LANA

I booked tomorrow off. 

GANT

Oh, did you, now?

LANA

It’s Ema’s birthday. And parents' evening.

GANT

Oh, alright then.

Beat

It must be so hard on you. 

LANA

Not at all.

GANT

Oh, don’t lie to me, Lana. Deceit isn’t a good look on you.

LANA

I’m proud to have a sister like Ema. She’s not a burden on me, if that’s what you’re implying.

GANT

Oh, no, no, no. I’d never say anything of the sort. You’re just… always so busy. Maybe it’d be for the best to send her off to a boarding school, or the like.

LANA

SIR! (clearing throat) She… needs to stay with me.

Beat

GANT

My, so animated. Tell me, “she needs to stay with you”, or “you need her to stay with you”?

LANA

(snapping, suddenly) Don’t-

GANT

Don’t what? Go on.

LANA

I do need her. She’s my sister. That doesn’t make me weak.

GANT

Oh, no. Strongest lady in the force. Soon to be strongest lady in the prosecutors’ office.

LANA

(hanging head) Yes, sir.

Beat

Damon.

GANT

Oh, I’m so happy to hear it. You and me, we’ll make sure all criminals get their just desserts. Right?

LANA

(muttered) What is “just” about this?

GANT

Watch your words, Lana. You know I take my job very seriously.

Beat

Let me know how Ema’s parents’ evening goes. Tell her uncle Damon says hi. I’ll be sure to get her a present, alright?

LANA

Since when are you “uncle” Damon?

GANT

Well, Chief Prosecutor Skye, we’re friends here, you and me.

Beat

And I’m uncle Damon.

Beat

Tell me, what does she like?

LANA

…Forensic science.

GANT

(laugh) Oh, surely there’s something a little less morbid.

LANA

(pause) I…

GANT

Surely you know. You’re such a good big sister, after all.

LANA

…She likes lots of things. It’s hard to keep up. She’s in a few clubs.

GANT

Oh, Lana… You’ve been working hard.

LANA

Don’t use that tone with me, sir.

GANT

(laugh) I’ll find her something. Why don’t I take you both swimming? 

LANA

Please don’t worry about it. Ema’s not really big on swimming.

GANT

Oh, so you do know! What a good big sister.

LANA

… Don’t come by the house, please. 

GANT

Aw, Lana. Don’t be like that.

LANA

I mean it. She told me she just wants things to be quiet.

GANT

Mmm. I’ll swing by the school carpark. 

LANA

… Fine.

GANT

Wonderful! Oh, I’m so happy. Really, I am.

Beat

Where is she now, Chief Prosecutor?

LANA

Afterschool hockey.

GANT

Mmm. Is she good at it?

LANA

I think so.

GANT

Mmm. Did you do any sports in high school, Chief Prosecutor?

Beat

LANA

…I did. Netball.

GANT

Oh! How wonderful! We should play a game of beach volleyball sometime.

LANA

Different thing. 

GANT

(laugh) Stubborn as always, Lana!

LANA

(checks watch [6:30] and abruptly stands) Sir.

GANT

Damon.

LANA

Damon - I need to leave.

GANT

Mmm.. Yes… I thought as such. After school clubs seldom run on quite so long as this.

Beat

But you will take up the position?

LANA

… Chief Prosecutor?

GANT

Oh, yes. You’ll be perfect.

LANA

I see no other choice.

GANT

Wonderful, really. I’m so glad we have this partnership, Lana. Sorry. Chief Prosecutor Skye.

LANA

Yes. Damon.

GANT

Now go on, get. Your baby sister’s waiting.

SCENE - EMA is waiting in the rain under a small shelter in the school car park. It’s getting dark, and she keeps looking at her watch. LANA’s car pulls up, and she winds the window down.

LANA

I’m so sorry, Ema.

EMA

… It’s been over an hour.

LANA

Just… Get in the car.

EMA puts her bags in the boot and sits in the passenger seat beside LANA.

LANA

(turning car around) Did you have a nice day?

EMA

Mm.

LANA

What did you have?

EMA

Chemistry. And Biology. 

LANA

And…?

EMA

And lunch.

LANA

You’re not skipping classes, are you?

EMA

No.

LANA

Then what did you have?

EMA

Math.

Beat

And English.

LANA

… How were they?

EMA

Same as always.

LANA

Working hard?

EMA

Mhm.

Beat

Um. What did you do today?

LANA

Well, paperwork, mostly.

Beat

… I have good news.

EMA

Hm?

LANA

I’m getting promoted.

EMA

Oh, what? Cool!

LANA

Mm. So, I’ll buy you something nice with my first big new paycheque.

EMA

How about a lab?

LANA

I don’t know about that… How about some proper tools? To get you started on your big forensic lab?

EMA

…That would be really cool.

Beat

So, you’re what, deputy? Vice deputy?

LANA

… Well, I have some more good news. Do you remember a few months ago when I took the advanced bar?

EMA

Mm…

LANA

Well, I passed! “With flying colors”, says Mr. Gant.

EMA

Hey! That’s great news!

LANA

… So I'm actually district Chief Prosecutor. Isn’t that exciting?

EMA

Huh?

LANA

Mr. Gant says I’ll be perfect for it.

EMA

… Wow. That must be a lot of responsibility.

LANA

It is. I’m sorry, Ema. I was in a meeting with Mr. Gant. That’s why I was so late.

Beat

He’s very insistent.

EMA

Maybe I should start driving myself home.

LANA

Don’t be ridiculous. You’re thirteen.

EMA

… Would you take me to court over it?

LANA

Yes. And myself, for neglect.

EMA

You’re so serious.

LANA

Correct.

Beat

Serious about making sure you have a great time on your birthday. (weak smile )

EMA

(weak laugh) Yeah?

LANA 

Mhm. I got you something today. Just in my bag. Have a rummage.

EMA leans back to grab a packet of snackoos out of Lana’s satchel.

LANA

I hope it’s the right thing. Not much, just from the vending machine at work. I promise I’ll get you something better tomorrow.

EMA

… Thanks. (crinkling packet between hands) I like these.

LANA

Oh, good. I wasn’t sure. Let me try one?

EMA

(opening bag) Alright.

LANA and EMA both eat

EMA

So… You’re Chief Prosecutor Skye?

LANA

Mhm.

EMA

Almost as cool as Dr. Skye, forensic expert.

LANA

… And I’m guessing that’s you?

EMA

Soon.

LANA

… Finish high school first, ok?

Beat

Ema, are you sure you still want to work with the force?

Beat

It’s ok if you don’t. The past few months have been a lot.

EMA

… I’m tough.

LANA

You are. 

Beat

I’m very proud of you, Ema.

Beat

You know what? Let's get a takeaway to celebrate. My promotion and your birthday.

[ellisgirlfriend]

my only one

dealer!ellie x reader

summary: loneliness always scared her, always made her cry at night when the moon was shining bright. She needed a change, someone who can fill her loneliness, lucky for her.. you were there.

cw: swearing, homophobia, the d slur, ellie being an emotional mess, mentions of drugs and alcohol

wc: 3.653

It really did become a habit of hers, writing her deepest thoughts in that messy diary, she only hoped no one would open it because, to be honest, she couldn’t even remember what she wrote in the past. That thought made her shiver from her cringy past self and the drunken nights she had crying in her empty bed.

Out of nowhere, the empty room was welcomed by a warm presence, Ellie looked up, still confused to her surroundings until she had received a soft smile from the girl. She felt a bit embarrassed, being caught like this, writing in that stupid diary of hers like an eleven year old. Trying to change the atmosphere, Ellie began to speak in a quiet voice:

“hello to you too, smartass. Don’t know how to knock?”

She wasn’t in the mood for any more conversations, she really wasn’t trying to be rude to her roommate , really, but after a long day surrounded only by frat boys, begging her for free weed every 5 minutes, it was really getting to her.

“Hmm, didn’t mean to, just wanted to check up on you.” her roommate said in a more serious tone, waiting for Ellie to respond while moving slowly around her room, admiring her drawings that hung on her dirty walls. She began to shift uncomfortably, this girl wasn’t just a random roommate that she luckily was assigned with, she was her dearest friend and unfortunately for her, she could read Ellie like an open book.

“Uh…”

Ellie said in a small voice, tired from being asked the same questions all over again, she was okay, at least she hoped so. She didn’t want to cause any problems with her stupid feelings that haunt her every night, her roommate looked at her from the corner of her eye, analyzing her every move while trying to get closer to the fragile girl sitting in the broken chair.

“Hey, seriously Ellie, talk to me for fuck's sake. I’m done seeing you like this.”

“Like what, Dina?” she finally raised her voice, making Dina twitch.

“Don’t play dumb, you always sit in your room, you don't even talk to me anymore!" Dina sighed, looking anywhere but in Ellie’s eyes, feeling embarrassed for being so emotional.

“At least…tell me what’s going on, please.”

Ellie looked at Dina, feeling even more embarrassed by now, she was so dramatic for no reason it made her slightly sick to her stomach.

“I'm just tired y’know, doing the same thing all over again. I…just feel lonely, I suppose.” she was trying to look somewhere else while pouring her heart out the best she could, Dina looked at her with warm eyes, trying to understand her. After a while, Ellie finally looked in Dina’s eyes, trying to apologize with her gaze, Dina stopped her with a soft smile. “You know, feelings are hard, it’s not unusual to feel like this, Ellie.” Dina touched her long, slender fingers and sighed deeply, “I know that after the…Cat situation…” she stopped, looking at Ellie trying to get an approval from her eyes, Ellie slightly smiled. “..after the Cat situation, every romantic relationship became hard for you to deal with but, Ellie, you deserve way better than that girl.”

After a while of Dina comforting Ellie, she finally convinced her to install some cheap-looking dating app. It was a start, I guess? Since Ellie didn’t really have the energy to go out other than to sell weed to gross looking dudes. It took her a while to choose a decent photo of her without Cat in it, it made her tremble, remembering the sweet moments she shared with the short haired girl but ignored it, finishing her profile. It looked good enough, she thought. Her profile was very simple, to say the least, with only two photos and a short bio with her age and location. She really didn’t have high hopes and to be honest, she didn’t even want to do it that much. But she knew Dina will nag her about using the app, trying to make her feel better. Ellie smiled thinking about this, she really appreciated Dina for being such a good friend.

Out of nowhere, her phone softly vibrates in her hands, looking up, Ellie sees the notification, someone was trying to send her a message. Man…this wasn’t good, her hands were already sweating, it was hard talking to a new person, with the romantic intentions in mind…it’s been so long for her. She tried to calm down and with a single tap, the app opened, greeting her with a simple “hey:)”. Such a simple yet hard message to answer to. Ellie tried to be smooth about it, putting on a flirty act, it was a common thing, trying to impress the pretty girls with her fake confidence. It made her feel good about herself, almost making her forget about how insecure she is when it comes to relationships.

“hey pretty.”

You clenched the phone in your hands, this was nerve-racking, such a beautiful girl calling you pretty had you on your knees already. It was a stupid idea to install this app, you thought, but you couldn’t even flirt with a girl without fainting afterwards. It was a dramatic thing to say, but you weren’t joking, not even a little bit, the main reason being that you are not…out yet, and it scared the shit out of you so talking, maybe flirting with such a girl made you feel weird, to say the least.

“i just wanted to talk, so I messaged you!” so cheesy, you thought

Ellie smiled, feeling a bit more confident with herself, you were a shy one, but that still didn’t make Ellie completely nonchalant, before answering she checked your profile and that scared her even more now, you were just breathtaking. Your hair looked so soft, your lips were so...kissable. She shook her head, trying to control her stupid hormones, she was weak to pretty girls, that’s why she was scared to start a new relationship, a new something. It was dangerous territory for her, from getting hurt like the last time. After a minute, she exited from your profile, she didn’t really want to keep you waiting so she tried to type a message fast without even thinking, that’s how her flirting worked. It was a weird feeling, almost adrenaline, from being so blunt without thinking, it made her feel dizzy.

“i feel the same.", she typed. A very short but meaningful message to make you feel even shyer, it made her smile a bit. It was obvious you were trying to type something but stopping right after, it was almost adorable.

After talking for a while, the conversation started to become comfortable, it felt like you and Ellie were meant to talk to each other, it was cheesy since it’s the first day, but you couldn’t blame yourself, you were a hopeless romantic and the fact that you were talking to such a gorgeous girl did not help the situation at all.

In two weeks, Ellie found out a lot about you, you were on the same campus. When she found out about this, an unknown feeling began to haunt her. Don't get her wrong, she was excited to perhaps, see you around campus but at the same time she was too nervous to face you. Everything was going too smoothly, she was so comfortable talking to you but…only though text at the moment. It's been so long since she was last romantically interested in someone and, man…she was so scared, she didn’t want to get hurt again, her heart wasn’t even healed from the past experience. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but her mind always went to the worst-case scenarios. You were such a sweet girl, she knew deep down that you won’t do something like that to her but still, the deep fear in her was there, haunting her to this day.

At the same time, she didn’t want to disappoint you, it was clearly easier to type something while pretending to be really confident but Ellie knew that in real life she would stutter like a bitch. In the past it would have been a lot better for Ellie, but after such a recent and messy break up, she couldn’t be so chill about it, unfortunately. She even tried to explain her situation to you, not in great detail, though, she wasn’t ready to vent her whole life to you but just enough to make sure you know who you're dealing with. When I tell you, she was so relieved when she saw your sweet message, trying to comfort her from the break up but also giving her enough space, it just made her heart melt. Her brain was sending mixed signals everytime she talked to you, it was frustrating, this feeling of being scared but also…not wanting to leave, she was careful, she didn’t want to make a mistake that could impact your...friendship, if you can call it that. She wanted to take it easy and just experience this new type of feeling, but it made her feel dizzy, it was hard just to talk to you and not feel anything, she didn’t want to rush into things and get hurt again, or even hurt you. It haunted her day and night, but my god, she was starting to like you to another level, writing in her diary about your likes, dislikes and even fun silly facts about you that you probably forgot about, every little thing about you filled her mind and she was so obsessed with it. She even wrote about places that you would like to go to, her mind making up scenarios where you two would meet, forgetting about how scared she was to even meet eyes with you. But it was a beautiful feeling, it made her feel happy to imagine all these things with you, she really hoped one day she could just go to you.

One thing about you that she would keep her mind fixed on is that you love history, always talking about it, she was confused at first, still is but nevertheless she was listening to every word you said about your major and small facts. It was such a boring subject for Ellie, especially because of the teacher, she purposely avoided that class with her whole soul, probably not passing the class but listening to you made her want to attend that stupid class. You made the subject so interesting, you made her focus on it easily, even in messages, she even began to be into this thing, searching in her free time about it, trying to impress you like a lost puppy.

A month has passed and everything was going great, Ellie was a different person, the effect you had on her was magical, even Dina was surprised that app changed her best friend so drastically, she couldn’t ask for more. She was more than happy to see Ellie back on her feet, that break up seriously ruined her and Dina couldn’t even look at Ellie without feeling bad, she really hated it, seeing her curled up in her bed ignoring everyone around her, not even attending to favorite her classes, Dina just wanted to go and hug her.

It was late at night, Dina was still thinking about the situation, patting her shoulder for being such a good friend while Ellie was moving room to room. That woke Dina from her thoughts, watching Ellie getting ready to go somewhere, it was pretty obvious she was going to some frat boys party to sell some weed since she was low on money, after that breakup she was less and less active with her weed 'business' or whatever, but at the same time, Dina was confused to see her such in a hurry, trying so many outfits, let’s say that it peaked her interest.

“Going somewhere?” Dina said, trying to hide her small smirk, Ellie turned her head to her, her eyes clearly showing nervousness, it was a bit too obvious. “Ah, just going to some party, y’know.” She tried to change her tone to seem a bit more calmer but her insides were burning, she couldn’t wait not even a bit longer, Dina looked at her, putting her whole attention on her which made Ellie shift uncomfortably, “You know you can’t lie to me, it’s all over your face.” Dina said.

“Oh whatever…” Ellie complained in an exaggerated voice, making Dina smile even harder at Ellie’s reaction. Ellie took a deep breath before finishing her sentence, “if you are that interested, I’ll go to that stupid party but…I think I’ll see her there”. Of course, it was so easy to guess, it’s been so long since Dina saw Ellie so interested in the way she looked, it was comforting to her. Ellie became Ellie again, she stood up from the comfy couch, approaching Ellie with a big smirk while she was making a disappointed face. She was telling Dina “don't you dare” with her eyes, while Dina already began to talk about all these stupid flirty scenarios that would happen tonight, it made Ellie flustered, her imagination going wild, betraying her but she still managed to keep a serious face, pushing Dina slightly, ready to leave this room before Dina began to tease her even more, plus...she couldn’t wait anymore. Her heart was beating too hard, she couldn’t ignore it anymore, she had to leave already, to see you for the first time. She didn’t know if she was ready, it’s been quite some time but still…the feeling of nervousness never left her body but at the same the excitement was growing with each second.

After a long walk, she was more relaxed, the cool air calming her warm heart. Unfortunately, she was welcomed with a strong smell of alcohol and she already wanted to leave this place and take you to that restaurant you always talked about. She was angry with herself for wanting to meet you here for the first time, in a place like this, but she needed that stupid money very fast, it was getting ridiculous at this point. Before even getting to finish her inner monologue, a group of people greeted her, already knowing who she is from her appearance. She took a deep breath before walking up to them.

Struggling to put the damn dress on, you almost gave up but after some time it finally reached your hips, you looked in the mirror, admiring yourself, trying to look extra fancy just for this mini date you planned with Ellie. You were so nervous, you didn’t even realize how late you were, there wasn’t a specific time planned but you still wanted to be there earlier just to finally see her soft features in real life, it made your heart skip a beat. Finally, you grabbed your purse and ignored your feelings for the time being, the cool air hitting your face.

Ellie was already on a couch, a bottle of alcohol in her hand, she was obviously nervous because she couldn’t see you in the big crowd. It wasn’t an official date or something but it still made her worried about your well being, she really thought you would come. Sighing, she gets closer to the girl sitting next to her on the couch. The overwhelming feeling in her stomach made her overly sensitive, especially after the whole break up situation, she really wanted to see you, it was obviously your choice if you wanted to come but still…she was feeling a bit dizzy. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the emotions, but she could feel your presence next to her. Ellie looked at the girl, feeling butterflies in her stomach thinking that maybe this would be the person she had been waiting for, when her eyes met with an unknown face, she sighed, trying not to make it obvious that she didn't enjoy her company anymore. She still talked to her, maybe she just wanted some joints or whatever, and she did but at the same time she was a bit too flirty with Ellie. The alcohol was making her even dizzier, she couldn’t even focus on this girl, so out of instinct she flirted back, maybe that was the alcohol or maybe the desperation you made her feel and the disappointment of you not showing up. She gave a smile to the small girl, giving her a discount, 'just for pretty girls' she said, cringing at her own words but still going with it.

The girl was ready to talk more with Ellie, but out of nowhere, a feminine voice which sounded forced covered the other girl’s. Ellie could feel a strange presence close to her, making her feel uncomfortable, she tried to move her eyes to scan the area where the voice came from, but the other person was faster, touching her hands so tenderly, it made her blush. She looked up, hoping that maybe it’s you, finally meeting you, but unfortunately, she was met with an unknown face, she looked confused at the other person, raising an eyebrow but the other person didn’t even flinch, it made Ellie frustrated but at the same time angry, who is this person?

“Can I help you?” She said in a deep voice, trying to show some confidence but the other person slowly began to speak, “Hello,my dear Ellie. I’m so glad we finally met." the person said in a high pitched voice, trying to sound different, she was beyond confused, maybe the alcohol was making her see things, she didn’t think so though, before getting a chance to speak the other person did it first “Don't you remember me? We were supposed to meet!” 'What', that was Ellie’s first thought so she just asked without even thinking “Who even are you?”. She didn’t want to sound pissed but let’s be honest, she clearly was, this person was mocking her and she couldn’t figure it out. “The fuck do you mean you don’t know bitch.” the person raised their voice, “I’m the girl you’ve talking to, duh.”

Ellie couldn’t believe her eyes, she looked at the person in front of her, this wasn’t right, at all. She began to scream “YOU’RE CLEARLY A MAN BRUH.” She couldn’t believe that she fucking got catfished, her blood was boiling through her veins. “I’m not a man, dykey. I’m clearly non-binary, respect my pronouns.” The other person said offensively, almost mocking Ellie’s angry reaction. “Oh, for fuck's sake, shut the fuck up,"She said, “you lied to me all this time, don’t you feel sorry??”

“Not really, and the fuck are you complaining about, I’m kinda cute. Stop with the pussy lover title and get here.” He said “WHAT, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE GET AWAY” Ellie said in a deep voice trying to maintain the dominant act “At least tell me who the fuck you are so I know who I punch.” She said with her fists already clenched, she couldn’t resist anymore. “Heh, no one can punch me baby. But try your luck..” he smirked, playing with his long hair while he continued the sentence while everyone watched the scene, Ellie was clearly too loud and it caught everyone’s attention. “and I’m Zhongli, nice to meet you, little dykey flower.” Out of nowhere, everyone gasped.

"Is that Zhongli???!! From the hit game Genshin Impact?!” Everyone began to clap, this was unreal, Ellie was fucking confused. 'Zhongli? Who the fuck.' she thought. He had a smirk on his face, almost proud for being so popular, who the fuck is this guy, Ellie was fuming. She threw a punch but the dude looked her with a smile, throwing her on the floor. “You dyke.” He moved closer to her “You don’t punch daddy,my little dykey.” He smirked “Stop the act we know you’re made for cock.” Out of nowhere everyone began to scream “Yes!” Ellie was so confused, why was everyone agreeing with him? She was the infamous dealer in here , the FUCKKK. She gave these people free fucking weed at some point and now they betrayed her like this. “I'M NO COCK LOVER YOU BITCH” Ellie began to scream throwing her hands in the air, Zhongli just laughed at her, “Don’t worry baby, there is cure.” She was ready to spit on him until, suddenly, she could feel that she was flying. Confused by her surroundings, she moved her eyes to analyze, she was somewhere else…

”Huh..?” This was definitely the alcohol and the weed, oh my god. She looked up and saw Zhongli, greeting her with a smile. "Hello dykey poo, we are in Genshin Impact, Liyue, more specifically. Do you know the game?”

“No bruh I just fuck pussy and I play Butterfly Soup” she began to get angry, enough is enough. He kidnapped her , taking her in this game called Genshin Impact…? She was beyond furious. “Heh, ridiculous indie game, should have known from a stinky yuri like you.” What the fuck is he talking about . Zhongli finally dropped the bomb, “just imagine ima girl bruh. Not that hard.”

“Damn ok” Ellie said ready to kiss this mf

Sllorp

“Wow, you kiss better than my bitches”

“Told you dyke.”

Slurp

“I love you mommy…!” Ellie said, changing her mind

“Yes my baby dyke, love you too, dyke dick 😅”

“This is amazing, thank you for changing my life Zhongli, let’s stay here forever.”

“We will babe, no more break ups for you.”

Slorp she kissed him

“Thank you mommy, you’re the best women.”

“Of course el” he smiled

“Let’s be in here forever and make babies.”

“I love babys!” Ellie said

“Aw! How many do you want babe?”

“Hmm maybe three!!”

“Three sound good love” he smiles

author’s note: yep

[rottenbrainstuff]

BG3 playthrough - House of Hope

Man I’m getting legit sad I’m getting so close to being done.

Unpopular (?) opinion - I have read people explaining up and down and back and forth about how pressed they are that Haarlep says Raphael is bad in bed, how Haarlep is unreliable because he hates Raphael, how he’s an incubus so his standards must be very high, how Raphael is probably purposefully doing this or that because Haarlep is a spy keeping an eye on him for daddy so of course he’s not going to appear vulnerable in any way, even how sad and conflicted Raphael must be, being a cambian…

Honestly - I have zero trouble taking Haarlep at his literal word. 100%. Raphael’s house is literally full of paintings and statues of himself. He wrote an entire book that’s nothing but descriptions of different scenarios of him being crowned with the crown of Karsus. His diary entries are absolutely insufferable. He is the textbook definition of hubris and vanity. I have zero problem believing Haarlep literally. And I say all this affectionately, by the way: Raphael is one of my favourite characters in the entire game. But it’s kind of like how everyone wants to soften out all the rough edges on Astarion - I like him like this. I think it’s hilarious that he’s so vain. His hubris is so funny. His opinion of himself is so high and his confidence in his victory is so complete, but his personal incubus is sitting here lounging in his bed absolutely roasting his ass to complete strangers with very little prompting. I think he’s a great devil character and I don’t want to make up excuses for his behaviour in order to humanize him. I definitely do love complicated antagonists who have more to them than it first appears, but honestly I just do not get that vibe from him. And I love him for it.

Haarlep was so funny btw. I just love it when actors are having fun. That must have been so funny to come in and voice the character, like, ok so for today, you’re doing the same voice as before, except make it slutty and bitchy this time. It makes sense I guess that Haarlep can change into a female form if you want, of course he can, and I think it’s funny that even when Raphael wants to shake things up a bit, it’s still with a version of himself, but myeh, that whole thing felt to me like a “hey don’t worry if you’re icked out, we have a girl option too that we can totally switch to if you want.” Maybe I’ve just read too many forum arguments about how there’s too many gay people in this game and people are crying to have a toggle to turn it off, and it makes me hostile to anything that smacks of trying to soothe people’s hurt heterosexuality. (because like, theoretically there could be lesbians who object to the scene as well?) Oh well. Still funny in the end. I was going to go through with just sleeping with Haarlep to avoid a fight, because that’s the direction my tav generally likes to go, but then Astarion got very concerned and made me feel bad, so I changed my mind.

Well this whole area was fun. I loved Raphael’s house. I loved all the details. I loved the debtors, the tacky ostentatious bullshit in every corner, I loved the rotten banquet. Is that its natural state and he charmed it to look fresh when I arrived? (disgusting, I love it) Or has he just been so pissy about whatever went wrong with the skeleton folks at the table that he’s never bothered to have it cleared and has left it there in a temper tantrum as a lesson? (ridiculous, I also love it) I love how absolutely, singularly obsessed Raphael is with my party. I know it’s because we are the means by which he thinks he is going to get that crown, but it also feels personal and weird and uncomfortable. I love that my contract has this place of honour in his archive. It’s almost touching, if it wasn’t my fucking soul. I love how absolutely self-assured Raphael is, how confident he is that his plan is going to work, how the possibility of a failure or a trick, like, he doesn’t even have the capacity to consider that a possibility. It SO GODAMNED FUNNY to kick his ego-inflated ass when he was SO FUCKING SURE that he would win. Raphael you are such an insufferable idiot. I love him. I’m so glad the VA won a Bafta.

The Raphael fight is tricky, but honestly, half of the trick is that before you even get there, you have to fight your way to the foyer past the most annoying enemies. I guess Hope’s divine intervention which can restore your spells and HP helps to balance that out though.

It was surprising to see I was able to get Yurgir to side with me in the fight - I had assumed he’d be SO fucking pissed after I tricked him in the Shar gauntlet. Now I have an additional ally in the big brain fight! …except he really wasn’t all that helpful in the Raphael fight, not at all. He’d go invisible, pop out of invisibility, knife someone for maybe 7 HP, then pop invisible again. I guess every little bit helps but…? Come on dude. At least stay visible so you can soak some hits.

Apparently it’s possible to make Korilla survive the fight? I was… NOT able to do that. You get some extra dialogue if you do, but the fight is hard enough to win even without trying to manage a hostile NPC who is usually the first one Yurgir targets. Sorry Hope, sorry Korilla. How come you can cast Otto’s Irresistible Dance on Raphael, and it will incapacitate him, but it won’t make him actually boogie? I was so excited to see him dance, and then he didn’t, he just stands there.

It doesn’t even need to be said - Raphael’s fight song is of course amazing, chef’s kiss, perfection.

Anyway, bard vs bard fight, very fun, when you kill him Raphael crumples dramatically to the ground, I love the big boss fights in this game.

Coming back, I got a stupid lecture from the Emperor about how naughty naughty I was being. Sure asshole, lecture me about trust, that’s really rich coming from the guy who didn’t trust ME with anything, and I had to pry the truth out, unwillingly, in stages. I can’t fucking wait to doublecross that guy.

If you attack Helsik, Raphael’s boss song also plays? That was… a little bit strange! I wanted to see what was in her basement, but the fight with all the gilded imps and Minotaurs and whatnot was such a pain I didn’t bother. Apparently you can access the basement through Dammon’s basement anyways, if you really want to see it, so. I DID make sure to pickpocket those gauntlets back off her cause I want them.

Mannnn. I’m almost done the game. WTF. All I have left to do is go give Mol her contract, talk to Voss in the undercity and piss off the Emperor, get my poop in a group and… that’s it. I’m off to fight the brain. I’ve been playing this playthrough for six months, and I’m almost done.

[kasienda]

@coffeebanana challenged me to find three words in my unpublished writing! I was not successful! Haha! I found softly instead of soft, but I'm counting it. And I found crack in an outline and in published chapters, but nothing unpublished, so... And I couldn't find shiver at all. Haha! Which is such a good word! So now, it's a mission to use shiver over the next week or so! But in the meantime, here's some snippets using the reserve words!

Softly from a future chapter of Aftermath.

Her hands covered her mouth. “You’re Chat Noir.” “Yeah, I believe we covered that.”  “But… you helped Ladybug put away your own father. You fought him. I’m so sorry! I never meant to make you choose between your family and the miraculous.” “He was wrong. And he was trying to kill you.”  “That early time was so much deeper than I thought, we all thought you were mourning your father, but it was more complicated. You felt guilty.”  “We all thought you were mourning losing the use of your hand,” he spoke softly, caressing her hand. “Apparently it was much deeper than that.”  “Did you ever tell anyone?” He shook his head. “I thought about telling you.”

Hand - this is probably more than a snippet, but... I don't know if this WIP is ever going to see the light of day so I wanted to include the whole scene. This is from a S4 canon divergent core four OT4 story where Alya's job is to know everyone's identity, but to prevent them from figuring each other out. It's called, Rena Rouge: Secret Keeper.

“You’re dating Chat Noir?!” Marinette asked. “Marinette, calm down,” Alya   “But he’s… supposed to be in love with me!”  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Alya is actually pissed.  Marinette is taken aback.  “Okay, so first of all, you have made it clear on more than one occasion that you were not interested in Chat Noir.” “Yes, but you could have told me!”  “Second, you didn’t see him. He was caving in on himself, he truly believed no one would ever love him! He needed to see so badly that someone did love him. And not just one person.”  “I… I don’t understand. How could you do that to Nino?”  “Nino was on board! I had had feelings for him for awhile, and I happened to know that Nino did, too. We agreed a long time ago that we were allowed to have a relationship with Chat Noir if the opportunity ever presented itself.”  “Why did you never tell me?” “Because it’s fragile, and Chat Noir was uncomfortable with you specifically knowing. We respect his boundaries and his secrets, just as we respect yours.”  Marinette felt her anger deflate. “He loves you, you know. If you asked him to, he would choose you over us. All three of us know that. And we would never want to hold him back from his happiness with you if that was something you decided you wanted.”  “That seems unfair, too.”  “Well, this might seem self serving a bit, but for the record mine and Nino’s agreement didn’t just include Chat Noir.”  “It didn’t?”  Alya shook her head. “It also included Ladybug.” Marinette’s eyes went wide. “What?! You… what?!”  Alya took Marinette’s hand. “I don’t seem to be made for loving just one person. I fall in love at the drop of a hat. And well, I loved you first. Before Nino. Before Chat Noir. I would do anything for you, Marinette. I risk my life, I keep your secrets, I lie to the most important people in my life. It’s because I love you.”

Thread - from the next chapter of Right Behind You. Just wrote some of this today!

“I think this one is helpful,” Tikki called, flying to him with Marinette’s diary open to a date just a few weeks after she took over the Guardianship.  Auras are so pretty. Like I saw Nino’s today! His isn’t as bright as most people’s, but I can still see it! And it’s not just the colors and patterns. His whole aura wraps everyone he encounters in a hug. And it makes me feel warm just looking at it.  Nino read the description twice, smiling. “I’m allowed to read about my own aura?” he asked.  Tikki shrugged. “She really wasn’t specific enough there to cause any issues. Keep going!”   I’m super bummed that I can’t see the ones of the people that I’m closest to. Not Alya or Adrien, or even my parents! I really wish I could see them. At least I can hang out with my friends without getting blinded all the time.  “It’s love, right?” Nino asked out loud, voicing what he had been thinking when he couldn’t see his brother’s aura either.  “No,” Sass said.  “What do you mean, no?” Nino echoed. It felt like the most obvious explanation and the only common thread.  “You need to keep reading,” Tikki says.  “You can see everyone’s aura except your own,” Sass insisted. That’s what Wayzz had said as well.  “That’s obviously not true.”  “Except that it is.”  “Sass! I can’t see Adrien’s aura. Or Noel’s. Marientte couldn’t see Adrien’s or her parents.”  “That makes sense,” Sass said, sounding entirely too superior to Nino’s ears. “How does that make any sense?!” Nino demanded.  Wayzz darted into the living room from the other room holding out Nino’s phone. “Monsieur Cartier is threatening to fire you if you don’t take his call.”

No pressure tags to @jennagrinsoverml, @thelibraryloser, and @blur0se if you want!! Words: sob, warm, kiss Reserve: scream, knives, and smile

[val-writesstuff]

Dear Diary

Prologue

Summary: Your brother and his best friend that you're secretly in love with, go missing. Peggy thinks somehow you’ll be able to find them. Will you find them, or will you lose yourself in the process?

wc:1.1k

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

a/n: Am I starting a new series to procrastinate from my other one? Maybe. My brain doesn't listen when I tell it to focus on one thing, so here ya go.

Italics are writing

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist | Taglist form

Dear Diary

It's been a month since Steve disappeared. With him gone, nothing feels real. It feels like I'm drifting through life. I haven't felt like this since our mom died, Steve and Bucky were the only ones who could bring me back and now they're both gone.

Gone, not dead. Neither of my boys came home, neither had bodies. I think that might be worse, the not knowing. They could be stranded somewhere, freezing, and injured. I wish I could help them, wherever they are.

It’s weird being in this house alone. I don't go out anymore. I spend most of my days wrapped in my bed. I’ve been too scared to enter his room or move his stuff, what if he comes home and everything he knew is gone?

Peggy keeps coming by the house. She brings groceries, she cooks for me. Sometimes we sit and have tea together. She used to try to make small talk, but the past few days she just looked nervous around me. I know she feels bad about what happened but I can't help but blame her a little.

Our lives used to be relatively normal. Then Steve somehow gets into the army which, I know was his dream but it was crazy. I hoped they’d give him something easier like being a medic or something but he sends me a letter saying he's going to be experimented on. I didn't hear from him for a long time after that. Then ‘Captain America’ starts going around doing shows. I guess he was busy entertaining the masses. The next letter i got, he said something had happened to bucky and he was going to rescue him.

Then I got a knock on the door. Peggy herself was standing on my doorstep. I had never met her before but from the look on her face, I knew something had happened. Diary, I’m not proud of what happened next. There was a lot of screaming and crying, mostly from me. I know you'll say it's not very ladylike, but when have I cared about that before?

I still hate her a little, even if she's not the reason he joined. She got him involved in the stuff that got him killed. Got bucky killed too. I don't know if I’ll ever forgive her.

When I hear the knocking on the door I know it's her. I close up my diary and shove it back on the shelf before I open the door. Her smile wavers a little and I take a step back to let her in the apartment. I close the door behind her and busy myself with making tea so I don’t have to look at her.

I hear her sit at the table and take a deep breath before she finally says something. “Listen, I know I keep showing up and I'm probably the last person you want to see right now-” I scoff as I set the tea on the table and sit across from her. “But this time I'm here to suggest something and it's going to sound a little crazy, so please don't kick me out yet.”

From what I knew of her, Peggy’s version of crazy could be ‘come out and have a drink with me and some of the guys your brother knew’ or ‘Come get injected with an untested serum so you can fight bad guys.” Neither option sounds great right about now. 

“Your brother told me about you. He told me about the things you can do, and how you're special in ways others aren't.” 

“I don't know what he said but you have to believe me when I say it's not true.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Stevie has always had a very active imagination.” I tried to muster up a chuckle as I rambled about my brother. “It's probably from all his time locked inside. You know he used to get sick easily? So, mom, wouldn't let him go play with the other kids. He’d spend all his time reading fairytales or drawing them and-”

She leaned in close and whispered as if somebody might overhear her. “He told me because he thought you could help us. He knew if anybody could get you in, it’d be me. He told me how you always used to take care of him, he wanted to take care of you.” 

I cross my arms and glare at her. “He had no right to tell you that. You shouldn't know about that.”

“You might be right, but I'm glad he told me. I want you to do a job for me. My little team wants to search for them, Barnes and Steve. I convinced them you're the right person for the job.” Now I knew why she had looked so nervous recently, she was offering me a small ray of hope in the darkness.

“That sounds great and all but I don't have any experience with this kind of thing. My abilities wouldn't be of any help to you.” I didn't like the idea of anybody knowing what I could do, but if it helped find Bucky or Steve I’d do whatever I could.

“Dear diary…” I mutter as I pull my coat tighter around me as the wind blows snow in my face. “Today I get to explore the middle of nowhere because my stupid brother's insane girlfriend thought it would be wise to send me out here after a month of training. Truly a match made in heaven, those two.”

“I know it seems impossible but you're their only hope.” Peggy's voice crackled out of the portable radio I was clutching in my hand. “Howard's equipment picked up activity out there and we have high hopes it's him.” 

“Peggy I admire your optimism, I do.” I sighed as I paused and looked around. All I could see was whirling snow and rocky cliffs. “But it's been months… He fell off a train for god's sake. On the off chance he is alive, he would've had to survive with probably very serious injuries and no rations. If he found a way to do that…I don't think he’d still be himself.”

“Please, you have to find him.” I could hear her voice crack even through the static of the radio. I knew she wanted me to do this so she’d have a justifiable reason to send me after Steve, that's what she wanted. 

In the distance, I saw something silver glint in the sun and I took off running toward it. I fell to my knees as I pulled a pair of dog tags on a chain out of the snow. “Peggy I found-” my body couldn't decide if I wanted to sob or laugh. He was somewhere out here and he had survived the fall.

I was so distracted by what I found I never noticed the man creeping up behind me. Didn't realize I wasn’t alone until I felt the sharp pain of a needle in my neck.

Remember, likes are nice but reblogs/feedback are golden!

Tagging people i think might be interested (unless you ask/fill the taglist form, i will not tag you in future posts): @wakandabiitch2 @james-bucky-barnes-bitch @piperstofu101 @holyhumorliteraturelight @moonlissworld @matchat3a @vicmc624 @hw-shorty @juliapowers @jobean12-blog @jamesbuchananbarnesslut @buckyownsmylife @cjand10

[evaneet]

holy crap these past couple of weeks have just been sooooo much for me, I have no idea how im even alive right now.

I guess this is going to be a little diary entry, so buckle up for some nonsense and bad grammar!!

As the holidays approach and the impending doom of exam season comes around, I of course know how busy these get at school and in my personal life as well. However, being as I volunteered myself to help out after school for a play, I had no ‘Clue’ what I was getting myself into(the play is clue, like the board game. I think im hilarious)

Since the play is for the grad elevens and twelves only, I get to work as assistant stage manager/floater in preparation for when I am older, and it really is such a joy to do. I love it. I love the theatre. I love working the theatre lights, the soundboard, when I’m moving props or sets, and the upperclassmen I work with are literally so freakin cool on and off stage.

Now, my dilemma comes in when I am faced with the rigours schedule of rehearsals. The Friday before winter break, and the Tuesday after I come back to school, my lovely dramatic arts teacher is signing the entire cast and crew out of school from 8am and we will be staying there until 5:30pm. What the flip. Aside from that, I am faced with of course my regular studies and I have to balance working on my own script my own drama performance that a group of peers and I are working on, it’s a piece of work, that I know for sure. Another side of the coin are my other academic pursuits like science in which we have started biology and I find it to be the easiest when compared to Chemistry or the hell spawn that is physics, but it is a very memory based unit and the brain can only remember so much.

Sometimes, I sit at my desk, fumble around with my pencil, possibly crack my knuckles awkwardly, and the more I learn, the more I have to study, the more I have to dread and fret over in the end. What I’m really scared for though is my Religion exam. Throughout the entire semester, my teacher has taught us zilch. He’s very unorthodox and quite frankly unorganized too. I try to brown nose him a lot so I can get marks there, but I can’t bat my lashes and say ‘pretty please’ on exam day hoping that I’ll get an A+. He is nonsensical.

Also!! In the subject I adore most, history, there’s some guy named Henry ruining it for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE history, like…a lot. There’s this…gentleman, shall I say, and he sits in the desk behind me in class. Henry is like a little fly in my ear that I would want nothing more than to swat away. His constant prattling in that aggravating voice of his, one time he said he wanted to create a society of cannibals and he didn’t even know the difference between socialism and communism. He’s one of those guys you’re likely to find in any history class, except he’s a total poser!! I hate when dumb people try to cosplay intelligence, it’s not a good look. Henry is off putting and he makes me feels uncomfortable.

Overall, i understand that im an academically inclined person who knows that she can bullshit a lot of stuff, im doing fine in all my classes, its just the stress of it all, and it doesn’t help that I’m also just a teenager who’s a lazy bones…

Anyhow, with winter breaking officially starting tomorrow afternoon school, I plan on doing A LOT. I plan on finishing reason two of Arcane, finishing my rewatch of Supernatural and Neon Genesis Evangelion, finally finishing reading The Goldfinch, and also watch OHSHC. I want to do my exam review for science, do some studying for my other classes, learn my lines for my drama CPT, but how much of it will I really get done?

I mean, I’m updating my Tumblr blog right now instead of reading The Goldfinch, does that not mean something?

Hopefully, in the end, I will rise above the swarming waves and swim.

[sarahivess]

WARNING: LONG RANT AND EXPLANATION

I feel like I have to stand up for myself now when I’ve seen the way some of the people in this fandom have been spreading rumors about me on Twitter.

I’m going to take this from the beginning.

//

In November, I was kinda new on Twitter. I remember seeing a tweet in my feed, it said “Let Robin say lesbian in season 5” and to me, who lives in Sweden, the word lesbian isn’t a very “bad” word. It’s actually a very common and normal word here, and we have a bunch of movies and tv-shows when lesbian girls and women simply say: I’m lesbian! So to me, I had NO IDEA that in the US, it’s seen as a “bad” word and that’s why the fans wanted her to verbally say it. I totally get that now, but I wasn’t aware back then. Silly me then made a comment, because a very cute and funny little moment popped up in my head and I felt like: AH I need to write this. It was something along with:

“Or gay, because imagine how cute it would be if Will came out as gay, and Robin would say “I’m gay too”, and then a stunned Dustin (or someone) would say “Okay, so while we’re at it - does anyone else want to come out of the closet?” And then Mike slowly raises his hand.”

I didn’t think much more about it, and the next time I logged into Twitter I had gotten like 50 qrts with: LOADS of death threats, gifs with people murdering people, people calling me lesbophobe, people mocking my grammar, my age, people saying weird things to me about Will etc. I was in such shock, I deleted the tweet right away and had a panic attack. What the hell just happened? How did that made me a lesbophobe? I’m bisexual myself, and I LOVE lesbians. I have also a bunch of wlw ships that I love. But all that shit just because I didn’t know that the word lesbian was very uncommon for americans to say in American media and how they wanted to change that.

Anyways, I deactivated my Twitter because all these horrible rumors about me triggered my suicidal thoughts (I suffer from depression), I made a new one and people figured me out right away so I changed alias and pfp/header but people still figured out it was me.

I blocked every single toxic person I came across, a few months passed and one day I was on Twitter again. This time, it was about an analysis of a scene in Stranger Things. Me and an iconic Byler here on tumblr were analysing the scene when everyone says goodbye at the end of season 3. First, Mike looked uncomfortable af when El kissed him, and later on he looked uncomfortable when she was close to him, hugging and touching and making a forehead touch. In one of the gifs, to ME it looked like the hand movement from El was kinda harsh when they made that forehead touch and I just couldn’t understand how people thought it was cute. It was a personal opinion and just a harmless analysis. Both me and this other person were also saying “Nothing against El though, she’s a kid, but I guess if the roles were reversed - if Mike would be the one to kiss El with her not kissing back, with open eyes, looking uncomfortable and shocked, I guess people would have accused him for SA or something. Not that we did, but we know that it would look a lot more bad if Mike was the one who kissed her and not vice versa simply because of the statistics. WE NEVER ACCUSED EL FOR SA. We both love her and she’s my favorite female character in the show. I just don’t like the SHIP Mlvn and I didn’t get how people thought that scene was cute. It was simply an analysis, nothing more. Not an accusation. Not a hate post. That post had over 200 likes and LOADS of reblogs with people who thought the same. But still only me and my friend were attacked. That also lead to ANOTHER accusation: of me being antisemitic. Why?

In year 2006, I first started my YouTube channel. I was very interested in learning how to edit, so thanks to tutorials I learned by myself how to edit. I was 14 years old when I read Anne Frank’s diary for the first time and I saw so much of myself in her. I also loved the way she described her relationship with Peter in the diary, so I watched “Anne Frank: The Whole Story” from 2001 and thanks to my family I could get that movie on my computer so I could make tribute videos of her since she inspired me so much, to never give up on my dreams and to ALWAYS follow my heart and believe that every person is truly good at heart. I made my own trailer for the movie, because there was none to be found on YouTube. My edits became very popular for being back in 2007, and soon loads of people found them. 90% was so happy I made these tributes, that I let the memory of her and all the people who tragically was murdered by the nazi’s back in the 30/40’s live on. But there was also a bunch of REAL antisemitics who called Anne a bunch of horrible stuff in the comments, people who claimed the holocaust never happened etc and I was defending her and the other victims for dear life. I was so proud of my edits, like I said: I was 14 years old and she was my biggest inspiration. My parents also watched these and they didn’t think they were problematic in any way so of course I trusted them and their moral.

And yes, I also made two tribute edits of her and Peter (I didn’t even knew about the term “shipping” back then) but this person on Twitter said I was making “ship edits” about Anne Frank. I have made all of my old videos private now, mostly because of the bad quality but also because of this person who now made me embarrassed of them instead. I wouldn’t make these edits today. Here’s a glimpse of one of them:

Is this antisemitic in any way?

Anyways, because of this person + a lot of others, this made me and my friend to eventually deactivate our tumblr accounts. I hade SO much going on in my personal life back then too, so this was just too much. They found out things about my family situation and that made me freak out, I was threatening them with the cops just because they were attacking and stalking me and my family on a personal level. They were harassing me on TikTok. On DM. On Twitter. People were leaving me and I felt like shit. Luckily there was a bunch who still were standing by my side through all of this and I am SO grateful for you all. Never forget that, you guys made me come back here.

Also, now when one of my tweets became popular on Twitter, of COURSE these people found me and started spreading these rumors again. I found that out from some of my friends here, sending me ss.

I just can’t fucking believe these people. All because of a silly little tweet which ended up in a total DISASTER.

End of rant. I hope at lease some of you understand.

[pseudowho]

umm im not really sure how to start asking this so im just gonna start, hi haitch

i’m 19 and in the past few years my period issues have gotten exponentially worse; from being mildly annoying/uncomfortable to hospital visits, missing days of work, etc. and i’m just. not sure if that’s normal?? i tried looking it up but got lots of ‘you have cancer’ results…

none of my symptoms are really ‘out there’, i guess, but it’s making me miserable for half my time awake. and im really distressed about it. the only odd things are i get heat waves, but ive been told im too young for menopause, plus everything else is relatively normal. i thought it might be endometriosis, which my aunt had, but didn’t think it was ‘bad enough’, but it’s only getting worse as time goes on, so i don’t know.

i think i just needed to get this out. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, but im currently laying in bed fighting tears lol. im really over it. tired of nausea and the unbeatable bad taste in my mouth, and being soooo fucking lethargic and in immense pain all the time. but part of it might be weather changes.

eurgh, don’t worry about replying if its not something you want to take about or answer, im grateful for you either way queen

There are a number of things that could be going on-- without knowing a very extensive history and/or checking you over, etc. I couldn't give you a definitive answer.

But I wouldn't expect aged 19, for your periods to be getting worse like this.

Endometriosis (where cells that make up the lining of the womb grow too deeply into the womb, or appear on organs that shouldn't have these cells) is a definite possibility.

To be frank, simply 'worsening periods' doesn't point to cancer, though it is always good for you to read up on the signs of ovarian, breast and cervical cancer respectively. Knowing it, just in the background of your mind, is vital to remain in charge of monitoring your own wellbeing.

I'd advise finding a, preferably female doctor with gynaecology specialism. Write a symptom diary in advance, and go in there ready to make your point loud and clear. You deserve investigations to find out what's happening.

If it is endometriosis, early diagnosis improves your future outcomes, and diagnosis takes women on average 10 years or more. Get going, girl.

☝️ me and you once a month apparently.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[midnighttreasureseeking]

Claudia’s Diary entries S1 EP5

Alright, this is my first Interview with the Vampire post that isnt just me reblogging someone else and adding to their post. There will be several of these posts as i have done my best to transcribe all written work shown in season one of the show. When season two starts (and season three etc.) I plan on making another series of posts about the written works shown in the series. 

This post is about the bit from Claudia’s diary seen in episode 5 of season one, just after her traumatic encounter with the vampire Bruce (Killer). A large part of this is from my reblog of @halo4life2017-blog​  as I didnt want to write down all my theories again. I’m very much looking forward to her theories about this as well as she is doing a rewatch!

So directly after the scene with Killer we are shown this page

(The left, its unimportant, reads: ...thing happend when....I had just...really get)

Its on the right hand side, its clean, and reads as such:

“November 11, 1930″

Dear Diary,

I met another vampire. His name is bruce,

but  I thought he was better suited to Killer.

We had just eaten together and started talking

about books when he really began acting strange

and made me uncomfortable. Bruce walked

back from the fire and leaned down over me

and…”

Daniel turns the page

And this reads

“November 11, 1930

Dear Diary,

I met another vampire. His name is bruce,

but  I thought he was better suited to Killer.

We had just eaten together and started talking

about books when he really began acting strange

and made me uncomfortable. Bruce walked

back from the fire and leaned down over me

and…”

The exact same!! this time on the left side page, and spattered with blood! Not only that but the passage cuts off midway through the page with that sentence unfinished and Daniel says nothing. (If this was accidental and just as far as Eric was supposed to read, therefore they didnt bother adding more, they wouldnt have put the empty space in the frame. Its just too weird not to be on purpose) He says nothing about the half cutoff sentence and nothing about the double passage either. He doesnt ask why the blood seems to be applied after the ripping out of the pages. Instead he remarks on the cutout pages and demands to know whats on them. As if she had filled four pages with a detailed account of her assault! And that was for some reason important for him to read. He says “Bruce walked back from the fire and leaned down over me and, cut out pages!” ??? no “cutoff sentence” or “empty space” as if the middle of the page is a perfectly normal place to end a page and continue on the next! He also immediately assumes that Louis ripped out the pages, which Louis neither confirms nor denies. And therefore we assume it too. But as we have discovered, never assume something of Louis, you will probably be wrong.

So what we know is: The passage was first written on the right side page, but left unfinished. Then it is written on a later page and stops at the same place the other did. then either four pages are ripped out or the new right side paragraph is written. Then someone cries over the pages, or at least little drops of blood end up on it.  If the right hand page wasnt written before the blood landed on it, then its written after.

(This is the right side paragraph as far as i could transcribe it

I’m going back to the house (..)

I’m ready for whatever lestat has to say. And I

will leave right away and take Louis with me.

Wouldn’t that be wonderfull? I am (..) excited to

see him again. And I (..) I was a handful

All those years don’t ()

I don’t know if ()

() tho…he (when) (…)

I just know he and I would have so 

much fun together. And anything (..)

depises I want to share with him to ?)

sheltered by Lestat for so long I want to 

open his eyes! We can learn about our kind together and maybe feel something.”

(This is not perfect and will be improved upon))

Three theories as to what happened;

Louis did it: This theory is assumed true by Daniel and the audience because of Louis reaction and the fact that he doesn't deny it. Louis discovered this diary and when he does he rips out four pages chronicling the assault, gets upset, and cries blood-tears all over it. This does not explain the cutoff sentence or the double passage.

Claudia did it: I think this has the most merit and is what i assumed happend the first time i watched this. But it is the most human way of looking at it. So Claudia has just experienced her encounter with Bruce. And as she always does writes it down in her diary. But she cant do it, she doesn't get very far. And just before the SA she has to stop. She takes a deep breath, turns a pages and just starts over, from the beginning. But this time, when she gets to the SA she gets too emotional, lets go of two tears and wipes them, and out of frustration (at herself for not being able to finish writing, blaming herself for what happened or anger at Bruce) she rips out two pages and leaves the book. then later, after making a plan for the future, she opens the book again and continues on the right side, on the blood spattered page. She could also have cried at this second diary writing moment. She might have cried at the memory of what happened or the thought of having to return home. Everything Daniel says “did she do it, doesn’t seem like her” etc, is an assumption about her on his part. It’s based on the emotionless monster he sees her as. Something that support this is that the blood tears are far too small to be from an adult (They actually look like they are from a small child. But i might be looking too far into it)

Louis rewrote the diary: In this theory everything is staged and done on purpose by Louis or Armand and Louis together. Maybe the original diary doesn't tell the right story, the story Louis wants to tell. So he rewrites the entire thing to fit the narrative. He plants the double paragraph, he plants the hastily ripped out pages, he purposefully ends the sentence in both entries at the same place. All this to get a reaction out of Daniel. To frame her as more human (see my “Claudia did it” theory above.) And Daniel doesn't respond the way he is supposed to, he doesn't believe in Louis humanisation of Claudia and this makes Louis angry.

Actually in all theories Louis gets angry because Daniel is being an asshole.

At last i want to talk about the ripped out pages themselves. 

This might be me looking too much into it, take everything with a grain of salt. But let’s analyse the diary without looking at the text. What has happened to it. 

The pages have been yellowed through age, to be expected. 

There are some light stains, and some crinkling of the paper that just suggest use. 

there is the bloodspatters on the paper, mostly on the lower side, who ever was crying was sitting in front of it. 

There are four pages ripped out, maybe with hands, or something sharp, a knife or scissors maybe. 

The pages are curled inwards (and not flattened as much as one would expect) and the right page is very yellow. To me it suggests it was slightly burned or something really hot got really close to it.  The yellow does not come from the light, or the other right-side-page should have the same colors. The Yellow is also too localised to be the light and too big to be the shadow coming from the torn out pages. 

That is what i could find and speculate from these diary entries!! I would love for anyone to tell me your own theories, maybe you have seen something I haven’t. In the mean time I’ll be trying to transcribe all other entries and written works that we have seen in the show!

[misty-caligula]

Unhinged S2 theories

Okay let’s get unhinged for a second. And take this to logical conclusions.

https://www.tumblr.com/misty-caligula/716477558946971648/this-is-my-big-one-for-s2e6-and-its-the-thing

I’ve already talked (a lot) about how I genuinely believe that someone is manipulating Lott, and that she’s been secretly taken off her meds.

So who? And why? At this point I’m leaning towards a theory that the cult is becoming self-aware, and is actively growing outside of Lott’s direction. I think there’s a inner circle below her (I think Lisa might be in it, I think that drum circle guy from ep6 is in it) that’s started to plot and scheme, that’s maybe more aware of Lott’s situation than we think, and is actively trying to push her to become the antler queen once more.

Do they NEED to know about what happened in the wild? No. Not necessarily. She could just be... an inspiring, powerful person they feel is not living up to her potential.

Or...

Did she blab? Did she break the oath? Did someone get access to her psych notes? Did someone learn things she’s said in therapy? Did she talk about specifics? While she was in Switzerland?

Or...

Did Adam ACTUALLY get more access to Shauna than we think? Was it a big misdirect to have Jeff blackmailing them... to cover the fact that Adam was genuinely a plant? DID HE ACTUALLY GET ACCESS TO HER DIARIES and we just ASSUMED it was Jeff???

Is moustache cop an incompetent idiot? Or .... is he not trying to get a conviction? Is he just trying to get into Shauna’s head? Is HE a plant??

Is WALTER a citizen detective who just wants to learn things about stuff...? OR is he a plant, a perfect connection for Misty, down to the showtunes.

THE SHOWTUNES THO okay so follow with me... Misty INSTANTLY picks up on the showtunes.

Misty’s SO sus on Walter from the first moment she sees him. She doesn’t miss much when it comes to like, facts and stuff, and she clocks him the moment she HEARS his voice. And he’s OBSESSED with her (like Adam’s obsessed with Shauna!) and okay so they’re so similar, so weirdly in tune, but Misty is uncomfortable because she doesn’t click with similar. The last time she did Crystal died.

Then they’re in the car and he brings out the showtunes and Misty smells a rat. She IMMEDIATELY clocks that he knows her too well, it’s just too much, too fast, and too big of a coincidence. And he tells her that he just really likes showtunes, it’s all just a misunderstanding, and she goes “Well I don’t even LIKE showtunes” and he CALLS HER BLUFF AND THEN SHOWS HER ONE HE KNOWS SHE WON’T LIKE.

HOW DOES HE KNOW??

It comes off as a good read, as a fun moment, but HE KNOWS HER TOO WELL AND SHE KNEW IT!

“Being a yellowjacket’s the least interesting thing about you” he says HE’S LYING HE’S A CITIZEN DETECTIVE, IT’S AN INCREDIBLY INTERESTING THING ABOUT HER!

“It was like 30 years ago” HE’S LYING HE’S A CITIZEN DETECTIVE HE DOESN’T MAKE THESE KINDS OF ERRORS, HE KNOWS IT WAS EXACTLY 25 YEARS AGO!!!!

And then and then he’s like, sending her messages after she’s already told him to go away which ISN’T LIKE HIM he didn’t even argue when she told him to fuck off AND the drum circle guy is like, PUSHING IT he’s like “Hmmmmm had a breakup??? hmmm?? what about that walter guy? hmmmm??” and like... as SOON as she mentions Nat they’re like “YOU KNOW NAT?? Please, tell us every tiny detail you know about this woman while we sit here and listen intently.”

*takes a breath*

I feel like I’m going mad. There’s too many data points and too many unanswered questions. Too many coincidences. And I think... that that is the point.

In the teen timeline nothing is as it seems, there is no solid grounding. You’re meant to be able to slip whatever your interpretation is onto the top of it, you’re meant to have your expectations both met and refuted all at once. You’re meant to question your own reality.

I mean....

Laura was ALWAYS going to die in that plane, right? Right? Then why did we think she wouldn’t?

The baby was NEVER going to make it. Right? Then why did we allow them to give us half an ep where we really thought it had?

Jackie was ALWAYS going to die and there were people who 100% were waiting for some twist to save her til the moment they ate her.

This show is just really really good at making us question what’s right in front of us in the teen timeline.

Why ... the hell... would we expect different in the adult? Why WOULD it be all just normal and easily explained coincidences? Why would it be just trauma responses and nothing more? Why CAN’T it be a malicious conspiracy? But then.. why WOULD it be a malicious conspiracy? Neither makes total sense, neither perfectly fits, I feel like we’re missing key information. And I don’t know about you, but it’s making ME feel paranoid. And I honestly think that’s the point.

Maybe the cult really IS a dangerous thing that’s going out of its’ way to destroy them all. Maybe its trying to bring back the antler queen, maybe Lisa is evil, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe...

Or maybe it’s just putting 1+1 together and having trauma add another 1 without realising and getting 3. Because that’s the REAL shit, that’s the nightmare of being un-fun mentally ill, is that once you stop being 100% confident of your ability to perceive things accurately you’ll never get that certainty back. You’ll never trust another thing you think or feel ever again, and the moment you stop questioning your world it’ll make you panic and worry you’re missing something... Ask me how i know.

At this point I’m going to just say I do not know what’s Really Going On with the cult. I am 100% confident that Lott’s being manipulated. Beyond that? ... all I have is vibes and ideas and feeling adrift. I’m so impressed at this show for managing to throw me this hard and I’m unbelievably curious to see what else it has to offer.