#Snowpiercer fan fic

[dbnightingale24]

Fog In The Mind, Desire In The Heart

A Dark Curtis Everett Love Story

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Surprise! I decided to take a small break from the three novels I'm writing (I promise that your updates are coming!!), and finish the damn Curtis Everett one shot I promised you guys years ago. It may take me forever to get to the point, but I do eventually get there, in my defense. Anywho, this is a lot shorter than what you all are used to, but I hope you all enjoy it just the same! As always, thanks to the amazing @fuckingbyefor the moodboard! Here we go!

Word Count: 9911 (yes, you read that correctly)

Warnings: SMUT (MINORS DNI 18+), Slight Snowpiercer AU, Slight Age Gap between Edgar and Reader (work with me people), Curtis Everett, Daddy Kink, Non Con/Dub Con, Drinking, Plotting, Self Hate, Loathing, Betrayal, Swearing, Angst, Mild Violence, Anger, Pining...I think that's it?

Songs That Inspired This Story: I'd Walk Through Fire For You, Just Let Me Adore You

Summary: Everyone stuck in the tail section dreamed of a better life for themselves. Everyone except for Curtis. For him, his better life would start when you were happy and by his side, no matter who he had to force out of the way.

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I do not give consent/permission for my stories/works to be posted/published elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

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For as much as you hate Curtis, he lives rent free in your head all day. You sit at the bar that Nam so lovingly bar tends day in and day out, listening in and out of the conversation he makes almost every night.

“Right now isn’t the time, but you’ll see...the world will be livable again. Maybe another year or so, but we’ll be able to get off of this fucking train,” he tells you tonight, an echo of the same thing he’s been saying every night for the last two years.

“What did Curtis say?” you snicker, putting your empty glass down as he reaches for your favorite poison: whiskey.

“He’s busy,” Nam simply shrugs, refilling your glass with ice and the dark brown liquid.

“When isn’t he?”

“Y/N, you know what happened to Edgar-”

“He’s gone, Nam,” you snap unintentionally. “Whatever the hell Curtis meant to happen, didn’t. Edgar has been dead for two years and all the while we wait for the great Curtis Everett to come up with a fucking plan to make all of this not seem so shit as it is,” you sigh before downing your drink.

Your reasons for hating Curtis are very simple and clear for everyone to understand.

Everyone except Curtis.

You remember when you first boarded onto the stupid train that “saved” your life. You remember them ripping you away from your Mother, who sacrificed herself so you could have a chance at life, and her promising you that she’d meet up with you later on in the train.

She never did.

You know she only did it because she knew it was the only way you’d board the train, but the anger feel towards her never leaves.

It never has and it never will. 

That was the first time you saw him.

You were put into a group of young teenage girls, a place you barely belonged since you were almost 17, and you felt a pair of eyes on you. 

It’s not like that was uncommon, but it didn’t help anything. In fact, as time went on, on the train, you found that a lot of men had their eyes on you. You were beautiful, soft spoken but also opinionated, and kind. You were so understanding and helpful, unlike almost everyone else on the train who gave up hope as soon as the doors closed.

They all did their best to make you notice them, Curtis more than most, but you were more than happy to keep to yourself. 

At least, that’s until Edgar came of age. While he was younger than you by a few years, he was persistent and the only one who could truly make you smile and laugh. For as tense and gloomy as things could be, Edgar always found a way to soften everything. The first few times he asked you out (well, too hangout on his bed), you said no because of the age difference. 

“Who cares?” he laughed as he followed you to the little hospital section they had set up in one of the train cars.

“Clearly I do!”

“It’s not that bad!”

“Edgar-”

“What could it hurt? We’ll split a protein block, a cup of water, talk a bit, and I’ll walk you back to your bunk. It’ll be fun!”

“Edgar-”

“You know you want to, I see it in your eyes.”

“No Edgar,” you smiled softly before making your way to the children’s bunks to read them a story.

“You’ll say yes, you’ll see!” he called with a soft smile, before he turned and made his way back to his bunk.

After that, he didn’t let up. He asked almost every day until you finally caved and said yes. From that moment on, you two inseparable (after you both finished your daily chores). You loved to spend time reading to the children and he was more than happy to accompany you. The kids loved him anyway.

“What do you think about us having one?” Edgar asked one night as you two laid together after sex.

“Having one what?”

“Child?”

“Fuck no!”

“Shh,” he laughed softly, stroking your hair. “Why not?”

“You can’t be serious, babe. We live on a fucking train, the shittiest part of the train I might add, the world is frozen, the front end comes and randomly takes children whenever they please-”

“It won’t always be like this, plus, Curtis has a plan.”

“Oh? What plan is that?” you scoffed

Edgar had always been Curtis’ biggest supporter.

“Why don’t you believe in him?”

“It’s not that I don’t believe in him, but I’m not willing to follow blindly behind him. Everyone else is, and I just don’t see a reason to,” you shrugged.

“Y/N-”

“You asked me a question and I gave you an answer. It’s not my fault that you don’t like the answer, baby.”

Curtis had always been the one thing that got in the way of your relationship with Edgar. Edgar would willingly follow Curtis, no matter what he said or what he did, and you weren’t buying into any of it. Sure, Curtis seemed nice enough and he was kind when he wanted to be, but there was also a silent anger to him. A silent anger that always seemed like it could go off at any time. 

Plus, it’s not exactly like he was thrilled when you and Edgar started seeing each other. Once again, a lot of the men weren’t, but everyone could see how happy you were. How well you and Edgar fit together. Curtis, on the other hand, rolled his eyes whenever he saw the two of you together. 

“Why don’t you come and help us tonight? You always have an idea-”

“No,” you laughed and Edgar scowled. “That’s your thing, not mine.”

“If you’d come, you’d see there’s nothing to hate about-”“I don’t hate Curtis!” you snapped softly and he rolled his eyes, “I just...something isn’t right there. You all just follow and believe everything that he says, and that’s not okay.”

“You always find a reason to doubt him and hes never given you a reason to.”

“And hes never given you a reason to trust him so much!”

“I’m not having another argument about this-”

“Good, because I’m tired of him somehow always becoming the center of our relationship.”

“Y/N-”

“You’re gonna be late. Go.”

You hated arguing so much with him about Curtis, but he didn’t know the things that you knew about him. Besides the fact that his eyes always lingered on you for far much longer than they should have, you knew about the things that Edgar was too young to remember. You knew what happened to his Mother, you knew what almost happened to Edgar, and you knew that Curtis would stop at nothing to get what he wanted.

Besides, by the way he watched you like you were his prey, you knew he’d stop at nothing to get you. So, when it was finally time for the “great uprising” you begged Edgar to stay behind with you.

“We’ve spent too long planning and plotting for me to stay behind-”

“You can stay with me!” you sobbed and he shook his head.

“Trust me! Believe in me! I can do this!”

“Edgar-”

“We’ll have a future, children, space-”

“I just want you! Please-”

“I’ll come back to you and you’ll see. I promise you, it’ll be okay. I love you.”

That was the last time you saw him alive.

When word got back to you how he’d been killed, and who let it happen, something inside you snapped. You became violent, you lost all patience, you attacked anyone who got in your way as you started on your own journey to the front, and you led everyone who had stayed behind to the front of the train with you. By the time you got there, Wilford had been killed and Curtis was the new leader. Of course, no one noticed all of the changes in Curtis’ attitude, as if you all owed him your lives, because he’d apparently made your lives better. He made changes that made years of suffering finally seem like they had been worth something. 

Everyone except you.

“Curtis wants to see you,” one of the girls tells you as she approaches the bar. 

Sansa, who’s his regular girl. 

“Just give him time,” Nam repeats softly, filling your glass one last time. 

You roll your eyes and down your drink before you follow Sansa to the very front of the train.

This isn’t the first time you’ve been called to his bedroom. Hell, it isn’t even the 100th time. Not long after the battle ended and changes were made, Curtis Everette made it very well known to everyone on the train, that you are his absolute favorite. Not so much with his words, but with his actions. He’d made it seem as if it were out of honor for Edgar, but the way he watched you let you know that, that was bullshit. No, he never called you into his bed, but he also made sure to never let you get close to another man again.

He made sure you never had to work, you never wanted for anything, you always had fresh clothes waiting for you, and you had one of the best rooms on the train. 

“Edgar sacrificed his life so you could have a better one. It only makes sense that you have the best of everything,” he whispered the night that he’d helped you settle into your new room.

In return, you’ve made it known that you’ll always despise him.

“What?” you snap the second you step foot inside his room.

He looks at you with his bourbon shot eyes, and you scoff. He’s in one of his moods.

“You could be a little nicer to me, Y/N.”

“Everyone on this train is nice enough to you. Now, what do you want? What’s the point of giving me a room if you never actually let me stay in it.”

“What’s wrong with you today?” he sneers, pouring himself another drink.

“You’re still here and Edgar isn’t.”

“Edgar made his choice-”

“Edgar worshiped you and blindly followed you into battle, and you couldn’t give less of a shit about what happened to him.”

“That’s not true!”

You scoff and narrow your eyes at him, “then why do you call me here every fucking night?”

“I’ve never done anything-”

“I know you’re not drunk enough to lie to me,” you warn with a snarl.

No, technically Curtis has never done anything to you, but hes found ways to...mess with you. 

He’s had you stay in the rooms while hes fooled around with other women, sometimes multiple at once, if he gets drunk enough, he watches you bathe and get dressed, hes gone out of his way to show you just how badly he wants you, and he never lets you stay away from him for too long. No, he’s never forced himself on you and taken you, but hes always been just a few steps away from doing so.

With Edgar out of the way, he’s free to do whatever he pleases.

However, the problem is, Curtis wants you to want him. He wants you to burn for him just as bad as he burns for you. At one point, that would’ve been possible. It was never that you found him unattractive or unapproachable, something just always seemed...off. Now that, that’s been confirmed, you’re repulsed by the man.

Even if you do still find him painfully attractive.

A sick smirk comes to his face as he makes his way over to you, “I’ve never done anything that haven’t found yourself enjoying.” “Yes, because I love spending my nights watching fuck other women.”

“Could be you.”

“You can let go of that dream. If it never happened before, it sure as fuck isn’t gonna happen now.”

Without warning, he’s gripping your neck tight and forcing you against the wall, and you do your best to ignore the fluttering feeling in your stomach.

“You can pretend all you want to, but I know how bad you want it. I hear you at night when you think I’m asleep. The pathetic little moans and whimpers, and your desperate begging.”

Your eyes go wide and he chuckles darkly.

“You’re not as slick as you think, honey.”

“It’s not for you, so don’t go getting a big ego.” “It sure as shit isn’t for Edgar, even when you were fucking him regularly. He could never truly satisfy you. Not in the way you needed.” “You’re a bastard!”

“How many times did you picture me every time he fucked you, hmm? How many times do you picture me when you’re alone in that cozy little room of yours?”

You don’t know what the hell has gotten into him, because he’s never been this forceful with you before.

“Never!”

“You should be thanking me,” he growls, his grip on your neck getting tighter as he leans in close. “Maybe I should stop being so fucking nice to you and just take it.” “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“What will you do, huh? The only crying you’ll be doing is when I’m done with you and you’re begging for more of my cock.”

Of all the fucking times to be turned on.

“Curtis-”

“You fucking want it,” he continues, “even now, I know that little pussy is crying to be touched. To fucked until it’s ruined!”

You push him off of you and glare at him.

“Admit it! You orchestrated all of this so you could-”

“He knew what he was getting himself into! He knew the chance he was taking-”

“He trusted you!”

“That was his fault!”

There it is.

“So you admit it!”

“I’d do it again! Why did he deserve you but I didn’t?! I still don’t?! After all I’ve done for you?!”

“You’re monster!”

“Sticks and stones,” he smirks before pressing you against the wall again. “Maybe I should show you just how much of a monster I am.”

His lips are on yours and when you try to push him off of you, he doubles down on his efforts. Squeezing at the stitches in his other arm, he hisses in pain, dropping his glass and backs up for just a moment. He slaps you hard before going in for another kiss, but you’re quick to knee him in the groin.

“Bitch!”

You’re quick to run out and make your way to room, not sure of where else there is to hide, and before you can slide the door close, he’s pushing you in and slamming it shut behind him.

“Get out!”

“Get on the fucking bed!” “Curtis-”

“Fine, you want this to be rough? I can be as rough as you want me to be, baby,” he promises as he locks the door.

“HELP!”

“No one is going to go against me, no one is going to save you, and no one is gonna feel bad for you. Scream all you fucking want, they’ll know you’re just enjoying it,” he promises with a sinister smile.

Seeing no other way out of this, you rush him against the wall and just start hitting him with all the power you have in your body.

“I’ve never had to work for it,” he taunts, easily pushing you back. “Never had to make a bitch admit just how bad she wants me!”

“I hate you! I want nothing to do with you!”

“Is that what you’d tell yourself every time you’d make eye contact with me while he was fucking you? Looking down at me as he fucked up into you, telling you just how much he loves and adores you?” he counters, easily wrapping an arm around your waist, easily throwing you down on the bed. “When you knew I was getting off to your hushed moans? You didn’t want anything to do with me then either? You didn’t want me making you scream?”

You hate that he has a point because, to an extent, you did want one him at one point. You wanted him bad. It’s part of why you’d turn down Edgar so many times. No, you never had any intention of pursuing Curtis, but you were attracted to him. Far more than you were to Edgar, and you felt incredibly guilty about it. You would’ve been content to be alone, but Edgar never relented and you eventually found it cute.

Of course you knew what Curtis was doing whenever the two of you locked eyes, but you truly never thought he’d let Edgar get killed so he could get you. The worst part of it is, even now that you know the truth of it all, you still want Curtis. In some sick way, the fact that he did something so horrible just to have you all to himself drove you insane in the worst way. You aren’t losing the fight because he’s overpowering you, you’re losing the fight because you’re tired of fighting it.

“Don’t get quiet on me now,” he snickers as pulls his top off and throws it across the room. “Don’t tell me that you’re a filthy little liar,” he presses as he rips your top open.

“Leave me alone!” “No, I’m done waiting around,” he husks, pulling your bra down. “Fuck!”

“Curtis-”

“You’re gonna shut the fuck up and you’re gonna enjoy everything daddy has to offer you,” he warns before dipping down and enveloping his right breast in his mouth; lewdly licking and sucking on it in the most depraved way.

“O-oh! Curtis!”

It’s been so long since you’ve been touched by anyone else.

“That’s right,” he mumbles before nipping on your nipple, while his other hand works on undoing your jeans, “I know exactly what you need, you little bitch.”

Your breathing comes heavier as his hand makes its way down into your panties, finding your overstimulated bundle of nerves.

“You’re fucking soaked!”

“Stop-”

“Stop fucking fighting me!” he warns, his other hand making it’s way around your throat. “You fucking want it! You’ve always fucking wanted it!”

You’re not sobbing because he’s doing something wrong, you’re sobbing because he’s right. Edgar would probably be alive if you’d just kept saying no to him.

“That’s right, baby. Just let me take care of you,” he moans, easily sliding a finger into you.

“Curtis,” you moan, bucking your hips forward.

“So beautiful, baby,” he coos, finally giving your other nipple attention, “waited so fucking long!”

“Oh fuck!”

You do your best to block out all images of Edgar and every feeling of guilt you felt. For whatever reason, Curtis wasn’t letting you go tonight and you didn’t want him to.

“You can barely take two fingers,” he groans, adding another thick finger to your sopping cunt as you rake your nails across his back. “Gonna have to get you ready for me. God, these fucking tits!” he husks.

“Please!” you whimper, feeling both pleasure and pain at the way he’s pulling you apart, “don’t fucking stop!”

“We’re gonna be at this a while,” he promises with a smirk as he picks up his pace. 

He resumes his assault on your left nipple for just a bit longer, before he finally starts leaving a trail of sloppy wet kisses down your body, pulling your pants down along the way. 

You’ve never had a guy go down on you before. Before you’d been put on the train, you’d only had sex twice and the both of you were inexperienced. When you were with Edgar, you two weren’t free to explore much. The most you’d been able to do was give him a blowjob, even that was uncomfortable.

“So fuckin’ pretty for me,” Curtis purrs against your pussy lips, “been waitin’ for me.”

The first lick is just a tease and you whine in protest, the second is right against your clit and whine his name as you dig your nails into his shoulders, and with the third he’s finally diving right in and claiming you as his own with his tongue.

“Oh God! Don’t fucking stop!” you beg pathetically, your legs starting to tremble as he massages your clit with his thumb. “Fuck!”

The sounds of his of his pornographic moans and roughness of his beard on your thighs somehow make you even more feral, and you can’t resist looking down. The sight of him buried between your legs has you biting on your bottom lip to keep from screaming. As if he can sense your feral gaze on him, you he looks up with a devilish glint in his ocean blue eyes, which have now darkened with twinges of desire and lust, as he starts fucking you faster with his tongue.

Your mouth hangs open and you’re right on the edge when he removes his tongue.

“What the fuck?!” you cry out and he chuckles darkly.

“I shouldn’t fucking let you cum at all,” he bites as he thrusts two fingers inside of you, causing you to buck your hips forward, “but I’m gonna get this tight little pussy ready for me,” he promises again.

The intrusion of a third finger has you throwing your head back in both pleasure and pain, and you try to push his hand away.

“None of that, fucking take it! Take it and then you’re gonna take my fucking cock,” he demands gruffly, applying more pressure to your clit with his thumb.

“Ngh- too much! Curtis please!”

“Then fucking cum! What, you don’t know how? Was it really that bad with him?” he taunts with a condescending chuckle.

You shouldn’t clench around his fingers the way you do at that.

“Not such a fucking saint after all, huh? Just a hungry little cock whore. Say it,” he demands lowly.

Biting down on your lip to keep quiet, you shake your head ‘no’.

Slapping one of your tits hard, he repeats, “say it!”

“ ‘m a cock whore!” you cry out, squirting hard and coating his wrist.

That’s new.

“Jesus fuck,” he growls.

He fucks you through your high, lapping up the mess you made, while you try to come down from your high. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know how wrong all of this is, but you can’t focus on that right now. The pleasure is all consuming, and you can’t think on anything other than how much you want Curtis.

How, in some dark and twisted way, you’ve always wanted Curtis.

The sound of him unzipping his pants brings you back to reality, and you know you’re going to hate yourself in the morning. Hell, you hate yourself now. 

“Don’t ever make me fight this fucking hard for you again, you understand me?” he warns, kicking his jeans and boxers off of him and your bed.

You watch him with wide eyes and it’s as if he can read your mind.

“Don’t you dare try and fucking run from me now. You’re mine, you’ve always been mine, and you’ll always be mine.”

He takes his angry red cock in his hand, stoking it a few times, before dipping down and kissing you like you’d finally been returned to him after years of being held captive. The taste of you and whiskey mix together perfectly, intoxicating you, and you moan into his mouth, as both of your tongues fight for dominance.

“You are mine,” he broods once you two break apart as he spears himself inside of you.

“Shit!”

He lets out a strangled groan, “gonna make you feel better than you ever have before!”

He’s relentless as he fucks into you, knowing exactly what you need as you trail kisses down his neck. 

“Y/N,” he whines when you find that spot on the crook of his neck, biting down on it hard before using your tongue to soothe the pain. “Fuck! What a good girl,” he praises and you flutter around his cock. “My pretty girl likes that? Being my good fuckin girl?”

You’ve never been so full in your life and the only response you can muster is a pathetic moan, sucking even harder on his neck. 

“That’s right, baby. Mark me up...make sure they know I’m yours,” he growls, using one hand to pin your waist down, while the other pins your hands down to the bed above your head.

You don’t even care that he’s using you as his own personal rag doll, because you need it. You both need it. So many years of anger, frustration, and denial have finally come to a head, and it feels good.

It feels so fucking good.

“Oh God! Daddy!” you cry out, wrapping a leg around his waist as he finds a spot within you that you didn’t even know existed.

“Fuck, there it is!”

“Too much!”

“No it’s not, you’re gonna make a mess for me again,” he demands as his movements start to become erratic. 

The hand he’s using to pin your waist to the bed travels down between the both of you, and you let out a choked sob as he starts to massage your clit.

“So beautiful, baby. Love you so fucking much,” he grunts, and you’re not sure if he means you or your pussy.

Your mind is so full of fog that you truly don’t give a fuck.

You turn your head away as you feel the knot in your core tighten and he whines, “look at me...waited so long, let me see you, baby. C’mon...let daddy see you come apart.”

Forcing your gaze on him, there’s something equally soft in his feral blue eyes, and you know you’re done for. No matter what you feel in the morning, you’ll want this again and again.

You’ll want him again and again.

A silent scream leaves your mouth as your orgasm washes over you, the leg around his waist falling to the side as you make a mess between the both of you.

“That’s a good girl...milk my fat fuckin’ cock, baby,” he groans, resting his forehead against yours as he paints your inner walls with his love.

Well, you’ve fucking done it now. 

He peppers soft kisses from your forehead to your cheek, as he rides out both of your highs, whispering sweet nothings into your ear as he finally releases your arms. When he finally stills within you, half hard, you let your arms fall to your sides and close your eyes, feeling more full and desired than ever before.

Feeling more guilt than you ever have before.

You’re almost asleep when you hear, “clean daddy off, honey. We’re just getting started.”

He chuckles when he looks down at the confused look on your face.

“I told you: we’re gonna be at this for a while.”

You’re not sure what the hell has gotten into him, and why he’s so forceful tonight, but he keeps you up for hours in positions you’ve never even dreamed of. Exhausting your body over and over again, his lips covering every inch of your body that they can, and his hands exploring every part of you. It feels like heaven, and there’s a pitiful shame that washes over you with each orgasm. You lose count of how many times he tells you he loves you, and how perfect he thinks you are for him, and soon you’re just a mindless doll ready and willing to do anything he wants. You’ll give him anything as long as he continues to lessen the embarrassment that’s come with you finally giving yourself to him.

“That’s it, baby,” he grunts from behind as you lull your head back, “ride daddy’s dick just like that. Like a fucking cowgirl!”

“Ngh!”

“I know you’re tired,” he coos against your neck, his beard making you shutter as he strarts groping your breasts with both hands, “gonna fill your perfect little pussy one more time, I promise!”

The thought of you leaking with his release again has you clenching around him.

“You love being so full of me, don’t you?”

You just nod as you grip his thick thighs, digging your nails into them.

“I know, baby. Just needed daddy to show you who’s boss, didn’t you? Too ashamed to accept what I was so willing to give you,” he moans, kissing your neck as one of his hands travels between your thighs.

“DADDY!”

“So loud for me and I fucking love it! You’d never be this fuckin’ loud for him, would you?”

You lazily shake your head ‘no’.

“Didn’t deserve you...he couldn’t make you happy like I can. Like I always will,” he promises as he slaps your cunt.

That’s all it takes. You scream his name as your body spasms and you make a mess for what feels like the millionth time. He pulls you close, filling you to the brim, as your body relaxes against his.

“What a good girl,” he praises softly, his own breathing shallow as he guides your waist to ride out both of your orgasms.

You’ve never been so exhausted in your life.

You honestly have no control over your body at this point, so Curtis has to guide you off of him and onto the bed. You flinch when you feel some sort of fabric between your legs, cleaning you up.

“I know you’re sensitive, just a few more moments, baby,” he coos.

Well, he’s certainly much happier now that you’re a useless and mindless mess.

You feel the bed dip from behind you as he gets in, pulling the cover over the both of you before pulling you close to him. The fight that’s left in you isn’t enough to kill an ant. Instead, you just relax against him as you drift off into unconsciousness, hoping that all of this is just a very strong dream crafted from loneliness and desire.  

The last thing you hear before you succumb to darkness is, “I love you.”

~~

“Y/N,” a soft voice calls as a pair of hands shake your gently.

You blink a few times, coming back to reality and trying to separate your dreams from reality.

“Y/N? Curtis wants to see you in his room.”

Curtis.

All of a sudden the pain in your face and body catapult you back into reality. Shame washes over you, as well as an intense amount of guilt, and you curl into yourself. God, how could you give into him? How could you get off to some of the cruel and lewd things he said? What the fuck is wrong with you?

“Y/N? Did you hear me? Curtis-”

“No,” you respond softly, pulling the blanket tighter around yourself.

“He told me not to take ‘no’ for an answer,” the woman responds mournfully.

You say nothing, silently crying to yourself and wishing you were anywhere else. Wishing you could get away from your one true forbidden desire.

“Y/N, please,” the woman begs.

It’s not lost on you that she’ll more than likely have hell to pay, but you can’t face him. The more memories come flooding back, the more you want to the train to swallow you whole. To add insult to injury, arousal pools between your legs as desire takes over your body. What the hell came over the both of you last night, and why did you let it win? There was a time that you would’ve fought till the last breath in your body to keep Curtis off of you, but last night, you barely put up that much of a fight. You didn’t want to.

You hear your drawers open and what you assume are clothes landing on your bed, and you just pull the cover over your head. He got what he wanted out of you, so why can’t he leave you alone? What else could he want from you?

‘I love you.’

There’s no possible way he could’ve meant that. He was drunk. He treats every other woman on this train like his own personal pleasure toy, so what makes you any different? So special?

“What did I tell you last night about making me fight for you?”Curtis sighs as he walks into your room, closing the door shut behind him.

You were so lost in thought that you hadn’t even heard the woman leave.

  When you say nothing, he pulls the cover from you, “come on, Y/N. Don’t make me get forceful.”

You just pull your legs tighter to yourself and cry harder.

“What?”

“Please...just go away.”

“Y/N-” “You did it on purpose, Curtis. He loved you and you just...”

“You didn’t seem to mind that confession so much last night.”

“Which makes me just as awful as you if not worse,” you sob, once again realizing just how terrible you are. 

Edgar loved you unconditionally and you let the man responsible for his death fuck you like a beast, willingly giving him orgasm after orgasm.

“Honey,” Curtis tries to reason, going to touch your arm, but you pull away.

It’s insane how you can long for and hate someone’s touch so much at the same time.

Letting out another frustrated sigh, he pulls the cover back over your body and steps away, “fine.”

You can hear the pain in his voice, but he should feel like garbage. You both should. The sliding door to your room opens and closes again, and you’re finally on your own again. As you continue to cry, you if you’ll ever know peace again. If you aren’t, how long will it take you to allow yourself the comfort of Curtis?

Curtis’ P.O.V.

What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not the first time I’ve gotten drunk and tormented you, but to attack you like that? Confess the truth in such a condescending way? Of course you want nothing to do with me now that the fog has cleared. Yes, what I did was fucked up, but I’ve been right about you since day one.

You wanted me all along.

It’s not like I didn’t care for Edgar, and he deserved more from me, but he didn’t deserve you. Watching him with you was like a knife to the chest every day. Hearing your moans and whimpers every night that he was inside you? Those were mine. They were for me. That’s why you always kept your eyes focused on me. You knew it just as well as I did. Maybe you’re the real monster in all of this, because you used him just as much as I envied him. 

You weren’t happy, you were never going to leave him, so I took charge. I didn’t expect for any of it to work out like it did, but it did nonetheless. I figured if I gave you enough time and space, you’d come to me, but my patience could only last so long. Venting to Nam night after night only helped so much. 

Two fucking years.

Two years of me watching you, two years of me making every other man on board afraid to get close to you, two years of me being a lesser version of myself...two years and you still never cracked. I have a fucking train to take care of, I couldn’t keep spending all of my time and energy just trying make you jealous enough to give him.

I was all set to let it go and let you do whatever the hell you wanted, until I walked past your train cart yesterday morning.

“Fuck Curtis...fuck me just like that,” you whimpered so softly, I thought I imagined it.

Looking into your room made me cum instantly. You were completely naked, eyes closed, head lulled back, and riding your pillow. You’d never looked so fucking hot before, and that was my name leaving your mouth. Not Edgar’s, mine. I no longer needed you to fucking say you were mine, but you’d just confirmed it.

“Gonna cum so soon, daddy! Fuck!”

I couldn’t get it out of my mind, and my frustration wouldn’t leave my body. Why the hell were you fighting something you so desperately wanted? 

Because you’re not a monster at all.

Even without my confession, you’d always known the truth. I could’ve saved Edgar, but I didn’t. I made a million excuses as to why I couldn’t, and everyone believed them. Everyone except you. Of course you wouldn’t allow yourself to be with me. Not without force. So, after I finished up everything I needed to take care, I got drunk. I had planned on being level headed, but you came in with that fucking attitude, and I fucking lost it.

How the hell were you annoyed with me? I made sure you had the best life, and you were still ungrateful. Once again, I could’ve saved Edgar, but you wouldn’t have left him. You would’ve married him and had his fucking his kids, and what right did he have to you? What right do any of the guys on this hell hole have to you? None of them will ever love you like I do, they’re not gonna satisfy you like I do, and they’re never gonna care for you like I do.

You just needed to be shown, so I decided that I was done waiting. I knew you’d put up a fight, but I didn’t expect it to get me so worked up. I didn’t mean to hit you so hard, but you were being difficult. Squeezing the stitches in my arm? You knew better than that. It wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped, but when you finally surrendered, it was more than worth it. You were a fucking dream, better than anything I’d ever had or imagined.

How could I feel bad about Edgar when I finally had you right where I wanted you? Where I’d always wanted you. I didn’t have to say all of things I did, but we both knew they were true. You’d always wanted me, he’d never truly satisfied you, and you’d always wanted me. Whatever your reasons were for choosing him over me didn’t matter anymore, because you finally admitted everything. Yeah, it bothered me that you never said ‘I love you’ back, but I also know I can’t have everything I want at once. I know you do, and when you’re ready, you’ll admit that too. 

“She’s not here,” Nam says softly, pulling me out of my thoughts as he enters.

“No, she’s back to hating me,” I mutter with an eye roll. “I did everything wrong.”

“Did you explain?”

“Nope, I did the exact opposite. I took what I wanted and expected her to fall in line.”

He lets out an irritated sigh as he runs a hand through his hair, “Curtis.”

“Yeah, I fucking know, alright?”

“What now?”

“I’ll go back and see her tonight. I’ll talk to her. She loves me, she just needs some encouragement to see it. To admit it.”

“Be gentle, Curtis. You get angry and you don’t think.”

He’s not wrong.

“Did you hurt her?”

“We both hurt each other, but it’s not like she didn’t like it.”

“Is that what happened to your arm?” he asks, pointing to the bruise.

I scoff with a nod, “yeah, little devil.”

“She’s tough, I’ll give her that,” he laughs, taking Kronole out of his pocket.

“Will you stop with that shit?!”

“You beat women, I get high,” he shrugs.

“I don’t beat women,” I quickly counter, trying to keep a lid on my anger.

I really didn’t mean to hit you so fucking hard. Fuck.

He just rolls his eyes, “Should I send Yona to look after her?”

“No, we have work to do and we need Yona and her ability. I’ll send one of the girls to check on her and give her food.”

I know I should be the one to do it but with how you were this morning, I know we’re basically right back where we started.

“Curtis, should I send for Y/N again?” Sansa asks, poking her head in, disdain dripping into her words.

I can see the pain in her eyes, but I can’t bring myself to feel bad. She may be a regular, but she always knew she wasn’t permanent. All of them know. 

“I’ll see to her later. Make sure no one comes in except Yona,” I instruct dismissively.

“Yes sir.”

Yeah, I’m an asshole, but I’m an asshole who’s in love with and made better by you. The sooner you see that, the sooner things will be as they should. In time, you’ll see.

In time, you’ll understand.

~~

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Here, take mine,” a deep soft voice told you.

You looked over to your right to see that Curtis had taken a seat next to you, and he was holding out his protein block.

You shook your head and pushed it away, “oh no, it’s perfectly fine-”

“You’re hungry-”

“What will you eat?”

“I don’t like the way they taste,” he shrugged.

You laughed to yourself, “no one likes the way they taste.”

“Won’t haunt you like the taste of human flesh though.”

He had a point there.

“Go on, take it,” he offered again.

“You have to eat something. We’re all barely hanging on as it is.”

“Y/N-”

You offered him a half smile, “we can split it.”

He contemplated your offer before he nodded, “deal.”

You miss that Curtis. The one who showed remorse for his actions, cared about those around him, and was actually trying to help everyone and not just himself. Ever since Gilliam took him under his wing, there was an heir of arrogance to him, and it made you want him that much less. It got worse after Edgar got killed and Gilliam soon followed.

God, how could you still fuck him after his confession? If anything, that should’ve made you fight harder. Instead, in a sick way, it turned you on even more because it showed you just how much he wanted you. How much he’d do to make sure you’d always be his and his alone. 

Maybe being on the train for so damn long that it’s fucked with you more than you thought, or maybe you’re just that awful.

The servers have been trying to feed you all day, but the only thing you’ve consumed is alcohol. It’s the only thing that’ll keep demons and thoughts of self-hatred at bay. Plus, for as much as you shouldn’t, you do feel bad for Curtis. The man told you he loves you a handful of times last night, brought you to euphoric bliss time and time again, and you let him hold you close last night, just so you could ice him out today.

As much as you don’t want to believe that the mad man loves you, somewhere deep down inside, you know it’s true. A man doesn’t let the closest person he has to a best friend die over someone he doesn’t love. Yes, you knew Edgar could get on his nerves sometimes, but never enough for Curtis ever want something truly awful to happen to him. It’s not like you ever meant for things to become a sick and twisted games, but they had and the end result was the sweetest man you’d ever known getting killed.

All of this was your fault.

“You haven’t eaten today,” a soft voice rings out, stepping into your room.

“Please go, Curtis. You got what you wanted. Just go, I’m sure Sansa and the others will be happy to keep you company tonight.”

He sits down in front of you and takes your face in his hands, “I don’t love Sansa and the others.”

“Curtis-”

“Why have you been crying all day?”

You’re more than sure the look on your face screams, ‘really?’.

“It’s not like it was something you didn’t already know-”

“Stop being so fucking callous about it!”

“Why? I’d do it again, honey. I have no problem admitting that. If I had to do it all over again, I would without hesitation.”

“What the fuck is the matter with you?!”

“I love you, Y/N. I think I’ve made that pretty clear for some time now, and I’m not going to watch you be with some other man. I don’t give a fuck who that man is.”

“You can literally have whoever else you want-”

You yelp when he effortlessly picks you up and pulls you into his lap.

“The world could be the way it’s supposed to be and I still wouldn’t want anyone else. You were meant for me and I was meant for you. If people have to die for you to understand that, then so be it. I will never love anyone the way I love you, so stop thinking that this is just some fling to me,” he warns, his gaze on you tense and serious.

His words should make you afraid of him but, instead, they make you want him more than you did the night before.

“You don’t-”

“Who else do you want me to make disappear, hmm? How do I make you believe me?”

“Curtis...stop.”

“I love you.”

“That’s not love-”

“Why should I go about this the normal way? We’ve all had to fight to stay here, and I’m willing to fight for you. I will always fight for you because you’re mine, just like I’m yours. I love you.”

For now, you’ll just blame the alcohol as you lean in and kiss him softly. Just like the night before, he runs one of his hands through your hair and grips it tight as he deepens the kiss, his other arm wrapping around your waist and pulling you as close as possible.

He broods against your lips once you two break apart, “that’s right, baby. You’ll always be mine.”

“This isn’t right-” “Who gives a fuck about right and wrong when it feels this fucking good?”

“Curtis...”

“Just give into me,” he pleads before kissing you again, “give into me because you love me just as much as I love you.”

Once again, the fight leaves your body and you’re just giving into what you want. You kiss him deeply as your legs wrap around his waist, grinding against him. 

“That’s it honey,” he breathes with a moan, the tip of his nose ghosting over the outline of your cheek. “I won’t take anything you don’t wanna give me. Just like last night.”

You know good and damn well he’s saying that because last night he did force himself on you, but you both knew you were desperate for it. You both know you’ve been desperate for him for a while. It’s evident that he wants you to acknowledge that, but he’s gonna need to work a little harder for that. 

“If you truly love me, then show me,” you sigh as he bites and sucks on your neck. “Show me how much you need me to be yours.”

You must have awakened something feral in him because, instantly, he’s picking you up and standing up with almost no effort at all, and carrying you out of your room, quickly make his way towards his. Part of you wants to protest, because you’ve seen what he’s done with other women in his bed, but another part of you is desperate for it because it is his bed. Anyone else who was on it before you won’t ever matter again, because you’re all he needs.

He growls as he tosses you onto his bed, “take your fucking shirt off before I rip it off.”

You honestly don’t need much prompting. Between the amount of alcohol coursing through you, and the desire that you’ve been suppressing for years, you’re once again willing and ready to do anything that he wants. You whimper when he pulls his off and tosses it to the side, quickly getting to work on undoing his pants.

Yeah, you’re still sore from yesterday, but the pleasure always outweighs. You’ll take aspirin after.

“I thought I already fucking showed you,” he husks roughly, fitting your legs around his waist once on the bed and on his haunches. “I didn’t get my point across last night?”

You bite your lip and shake your head no, holding his gaze as you wrap your arms around him. 

He smirks as that devilish glint comes back to his eyes, “let me be firmer this time,” forcing you down on his cock.

“AH SHIT!”

He keeps a firm hold on your waist as he starts bouncing you up and down on his cock, “you’re mine, Y/N. Always have been and you always will be!”

You cry out as you lull your head back, “oh fuck, daddy!”

“Eyes on me, baby. Gonna make sure it sinks in this time,” he chuckles darkly.

Honestly, all you can do is hold on to him, and he doesn’t even make that easy. He spits on your cunt a few times before easily wrapping one arm behind your waist to keep you in place, and shamelessly slapping your clit with the other hand.

“Please....please!”

His condescending chuckle only makes you clench around him, “fucking pathetic.”

He dips down, the tip of his tongue lightly licking between your breasts and moaning as he licks up the sweat, before latching his mouth onto your right nipple and sucking on it as if it’s his favorite lollipop to exist.

You whimper, feeling safe in his strong hold, as you run a hand through his buzzed hair, “feels so good, daddy! The way you love me feels so good!”

Releasing your nipple with a ‘pop’, he looks up with brooding dark eyes, “and no one else will ever make it feel this good,” he promises.

Without warning, he starts massaging your clit with more pressure than you’re prepared for, and you’re screaming out his name as you make a mess between the both of you.

“So messy and all mine,” he praises, his voice strained as continues to fuck up into you. “Always been all mine, haven’t you?”

Once again, you’ve been turned into a mindlessly babbling toy.

“No answer?” he taunts, his breathing as he stops all together, laughing sadistically at your pathetic whimper. “Guess daddy still hasn’t made his point clear.”

He drops you down onto the bed, flips you over with ease, fixes your knees so your ass is propped in the air, before thrusting himself inside of you again.

“Aht!”

“You’ve always been mine, haven’t you?” he growls, fucking into hard and fast.

You just whimper into his pillow as claw at his bed, but he isn’t having that. Wrapping one arm around your waist and snaking it up between your breasts, he grips your throat while the other hand grips your hair tight, and he pulls you right.

“Use your fucking words,” he demands gruffly, fucking into you harder, “you’ve always been mine?”

“Y-yes!”

“Yes who?”

“Y-yes...y-y-yes daddy!”

“Always gonna be mine?”

“A-an-anything you w-want!”

He growls into your neck as you feel him spill into you, “fuck baby!”

Once again, there’s nothing going through your mind but fog and your body is exhausted. If he wants more from you, you’ll give it to him, but you can honestly fall asleep in his hold right now. He loosens his grip on your neck, and you take a deep breath, not even realizing how tight he’d been holding onto you. Lazily fucking you both through your high, he presses small, wet, open mouthed kisses along your neck.

His breath comes heavy and he sounds just as tired as you feel, “get the message this time?”

You nod as weakly attempt to fight off sleep, “mhm, you love me.”

The next question comes with a hint of fear, “do you believe me?”

“Mhm, yes.”

“Do you love me?”

The answer comes effortlessly, “yes Curtis.”

He’s gentle with you as he pulls out, growling as he watches the mix of your juices run down your thighs, and he lays you down. Once again, you wince when some fabric gently wipes over your extremely raw and sensitive flesh, and he gently hushes you. This time, when he gets in bed with you, you’re pulling him close and resting your head on his chest.

You’re too tired to fight it.

“I love you,” you repeat before effortlessly falling asleep.

~~

Once again, when you make up, you need a moment to adjust to your surroundings. The soreness is quicker to make your acquaintance this time, and you remember that you’re in Curtis’ room.

The very front of the train.

That’s when you realize you’re alone in his bed, and you’re slow to sit up and look around.

“I’m here,” he calls softly.

You look to the side and see him sitting across the room, sweatpants on only, hunched over, and resting his head on his hands.

“You should lay back down, I’m sure you’re sore.”

You keep your eyes on him as you slowly lay back down, “what’s wrong?”

He’s not wrong about you being sore. 

“Nothing-”

Scoffing as you prop yourself up on your elbow and rest your head on your hand, “you’re gonna start lying to me after the last two days we’ve spent together?” and he laughs softly.

“It doesn’t matter right now-”

“Curtis, what’s wrong?”

There’s a softness to his features, and it’s a softness you haven’t seen in a long time.

“I love you.”

You look down and play with the hem of the bed sheet.

“That’s the problem right there.”

“Curtis-” He sighs as he sits up, “I’m not complaining.”

“It’s not so easy for me, okay?”

“It was last night when you were drunk, and I fucking knew better. I knew better, but my emotions...” “There’s a lot that I have to come to terms with, and I’ve only had two days to do it.”

“Well, do you?” “Curtis-”

“It’s a simple yes or no question-”

“It’s not simple! I was with Edgar, and no matter how I may or may not have always felt about you, I did love him and you let him get killed. No, I’m not innocent in all of this, but he loved and trusted him and you betrayed him.”

“That was different-” “How? How am I supposed to know you won’t ever do something like that to me?”

“Because this is different! This isn’t even remotely close...since I laid eyes on you, I knew that you were meant for me, and I for you. I may have been 17, but I’d never been so sure of anything in my life. I still haven’t been,” he states, slightly hurt that you would even make a claim like that. “I know what I did was fucked up, that’s not lost on either of us, and I’ve done my best to show and prove to you that I’m sorry, because it wasn’t right. Edgar didn’t know, but you did. You knew and you felt the same for me.”

“Curtis-”

“Well you did, you can deny it all you want, but we both know it’s true.”

“It doesn’t matter-” “Well, why you’d pick him?”

You scowl and lay on your back, “you don’t want the honest answer to that question.” “I can handle it.” “Lets not-”

“Just tell me!’

“I really don’t think I need to, Curtis! There’s something wrong with you! Something in you is unhinged and it shows!” you snap, sitting up and facing him.

He sits back and lets out a heavy sigh, and it breaks your heart, but he’s the one who wants to know so bad. 

When he says nothing, you continue, “there’s something that flips a switch in you, and this darkness comes over you. You’re moody, argumentative, and violent. Anything can set it off and, while I get it to an extent, enough shit had happened and I didn’t want to deal with it. You would be so soft with me at times, but you could easily lose your temper with anyone else...with the exception of Gilliam. Edgar was kind, funny, and sweet. No, it wasn’t ideal, but I felt safe with him and I didn’t have to worry about him losing his shit on me. So yes, I had feelings for you, but I chose him. I know you took him under your wing out of guilt, but you were also jealous. The more he trusted you, the more you took advantage of that. It made me resent him. Then, when he went off with you for the uprising, I knew he wasn’t coming back. You wouldn’t let him.”

You can see the anger in his eyes, but he knows that he can’t call you a liar. Everything you’re saying is true and he’s not about to try and make a fool out of you.

“I did it for you,” he responds after a moment. “You don’t have to believe it, and I know you didn’t see it, but I did it for you. I’ve always wanted to keep you safe, take care of you, and have you by my side. Everything I’ve done has been for you, and while some of it has been less than humane, I’d do it again if it meant you could be happy. If it means you can have a better life, I’ll do it, and I don’t care who I have to hurt.”

“Curtis-”

“I don’t care how crazy any of it sounds, because you have to be crazy to survive in this world. I’d do anything to give you a better life and see you happy. I love you, Y/N,” he tells you softly and sincerely.

You shouldn’t feel an overwhelming amount or love and joy for him, but that doesn’t stop it from washing over you. Is there a shrink on this fucking train, because you both need your fucking heads examined.

“I’ll ask you again, do you love me?”

Slipping out before you have a chance to stop it, “yes. Yes Curtis, I love you.”

Your heart swells at the small smile that comes to his face, as he finally gets up and makes his way back to the bed, and gets in next to you. You ignore the shameful amount of guilt that overcomes you, because what happened in the past can’t be changed. All that counts is right now and the future you and Curtis will create together. 

You rest your head on his chest and make little circles it, “how are you so sure, Curtis?”

“So sure of what?” he asks, stroking your shoulder and finally relaxing.

“That you love me. How do you know it’s not just an overwhelming sense of lust?”

He laughs to himself and kisses the top of your head, “because when all the fog in my mind settles, there’s still a burning desire for you in my heart. A burning desire to protect you, make you happy, hear your voice, see you smile, and to love you until there’s no breath left in my body. When the fog clears, there’s always a desire to love you with everything I have in me.”

Pressing a soft kiss to his chest, you look up at him, “I’m sorry it took me so long to finally get here.”

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, just promise to never leave.”

“I promise.”

“I love you, honey.”

“I love you, Curtis.” 

[missaudreystiara]

4, 6 and 12 😊

4: are you likely to blush when a sex scene comes up or can you read/watch it with a straight face?

Hahahahah I reckon you could possibly predict the answer to this! I wish I could say no, but the answer is of course yes 🙈 I always blush - it’s worst when other people are also in the room watching the TV, but I’m fully capable of blushing even if no one is there to witness it 😳 and re reading it, well, this is probably a large part of the reason why I don’t (usually 😇) read smut 😂

6: do you read fan fiction? If so, do you have any favourite authors or fics?

Fan fiction? No, never heard of her! 😇 I’ve actually been slacking so much at reading any fic recently! I’m sure there are more people i should be name dropping but for now I’ll just cite you and @train-pirate as my fave authors ✍🏻

My fave fic of yours is probably this one, because a) you kindly wrote it for my bday and b) it features my faves 👸🏻🕵🏼

And then my fave one that TP has written has to be this because it’s ridiculous and cute ✨

12: if you could change one ending to a book/show/game/etc, what would you change about it?

I *just* answered this one with Torchwood, but I’m going to be pessimistic (because ill) and preemptively say Snowpiercer 🙈 given how many original bits of story were tied up (or seemingly completely abandoned) by the end of season 3, I’m guessing season 4 will introduce quite a few new plot points that will inevitably get unsatisfactory endings. I also don’t trust the writers to sort my gal out at all 🙈💔👸🏻 fearing death or at least a lot more misery for Audrey 🙈

And I would change all of this by having us write it all instead 😇

Thank you for asking!! 🖤

[pregnant-javert]

Hmmm. 001 Snowpiercer. 002 let's do Wilford/Javi for chaos. 003 Kevin.

Brace yourself bestie.

001 | Snowpiercer:

Favorite character: Wilford <3

Least Favorite character: LJ <3

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Melaudrey, Melanie/Ben, Wilford/Ben, Wilford/Javi, Alex/Carly

Character I find most attractive: Wilford

Character I would marry: Wilford

Character I would be best friends with: Ben

A random thought: I’ve been around here since 2020…it’s almost 2023…the passage of time…

An unpopular opinion: I don’t like Brakenight and I hope one of them dies next season.

My Canon OTP: Melanie/Ben

My Non-canon OTP: Wilford/Ben

Most Badass Character: Boki. Come on.

Most Epic Villain: LOL ok. Lilah was pretty cool. She had stuff going on.

Pairing I am not a fan of: Mel/Ruth, Brakenight

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Till, Audrey, Melanie-

Favourite Friendship: Melanie/Ruth…I LIKE these two. Just not romantically.

Character I most identify with: Javi, honestly.

Character I wish I could be: Melanie cuz then I’d have the run of the whole train lol.

002 | Wilford/Javi:

When I started shipping them: I thought it would be nice to put sweet little Javi with Nice!Wilford and I also wanted another man to preggify that was not Ben.

My thoughts: Literally way too enthusiastic Javi and indulgent Wilford. Love that!

What makes me happy about them: They’re very cute together <3

What makes me sad about them: They’re the only engineers on Big Alice <3

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Those bitches aren’t writing enough fics of them. (It’s me. I’m bitches.) 

Things I look for in fanfic: Lots of crying and comfort and general patheticness. Love that.

My wishlist: I mean they are never going to end up together but I hope they meet again in the show <3

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: LOL. Ben for Javi AND Wilford both <3

My happily ever after for them: Living in Big Alice with their baby <3

003 | Kevin

How I feel about this character: LOL he’s funny. Little scrappy gay man <3

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: I don’t ship him with anyone because I can’t think of any gay guys that are alive. So there’s that.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: I love how he and Ruth keep sniping at each other. Love that.

My unpopular opinion about this character: He should not have died when he did.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: It would have been funnier had he lived longer than he did. He was funny.

Favorite friendship for this character: He’s just so obsequious to Wilford :)

My crossover ship: I don’t do crossovers!

[raving-raven-writing]

For the fanfic new year asks: 6,13, and 24!!!

Thank you for your asks, Lucky!

6. Which yet-to-be-started fic is first on your list?

I don't really make lists for a to be started. When the idea appears, I write it done or my brain will either a.) forget it or b.) replay the idea until I write it down. But I got two around the same time for the Teen Wolf fandom. Both are Derek centric. In both he is the same age as Scott and Stiles. Both focus on a good relationship between Derek and Peter and Peter and Malia have an actual father-daughter relationship. One focuses on the struggles/isolation a deaf person can experience and another focuses on dealing with the pressure of parents' expectations vs your own desires and wants. But the first three that are lined up to be posted on ao3 are all for the Snowpiercer fandom. I just have to smack brain and tell it to behave and stop trying to be perfect.

13. Aside from fanfic, are there any other fan works you’d like to try creating? Fanart, or fanvids, gifsets, or podfic? 

I would like to try fan art, maybe, if I re-learn how to draw. It's been a long while since I drew anything, especially people. I wouldn't mind to try out resin art, making keychains or bookmarks, but have the design based off characters I really enjoy. Or maybe collages aimed at certain fandoms.

24. By the end of this year, you want your fandom to think of you as “that author who _______.” Oh, geez. I never really think about being known for anything--I'm honestly forgotten a lot of the time. But maybe, if I need to apply that label maybe "that author who writes for a character where there is next to no fics for" (Snowpiercer fans know what I'm talking about since the community is so small) or "that author who takes forever to update" (although I think other people can also apply that to themselves).

Thanks again for your asks! And a Happy New Year to you!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Rose Red’s All Hallows Eve: Hush Little Bird

Summary- 5.1k Curtis Everett x You. Your boyfriend got you tickets to a charity Haunted House, and the special features include immersed scenes from the movie of your choice. Once you hear that the one and only Curtis Everett from Snowpiercer is a part of the choices, you just have to go. Prepare for a night of apocalyptic fun! 

Warnings- Blood/Brutal Killing. I hate to spoil it, but children are killed in this chapter, so please if that bothers you, bypass this chapter. Non Con. Swearing. Violence. Anger/Aggression. Forced Feeding. 

A/N- Written for @jtargaryen18 Haunted House 2020. This is a 3 chapter story that will be posted within a few days of one another. Be sure to read the warnings for each chapter. The page dividers were made by @firefly-graphics​ , I highly suggest checking out her work, its really excellent and a bit of everything to choose from. The manor described in this story, Rose Red, is a piece of work from Stephen King, and I highly suggest watching the tv mini series, if you can find it. Perfect for this time of year. Special thanks to @what-is-your-plan-today​ for being my Beta in this project. Happy Reading and Haunting! 😈🎃 

Chapter One / Rose Red’s All Hallows Eve Masterlist

“I don’t know what Wilford was thinking Little Bird, sending you back to me with this innocent act of yours. But don’t worry I will make you sing.”

The cheers and jeers echoed off the walls as Curtis dragged you through the car. You tried your best to break from his hold, your feet slipping in the blood, half falling over bodies but Curtis didn’t pay you any heed, you were nothing to him you realized as he seemed to believe you were from the front end.

“You don’t understand, I’m not from up in the front, I have nothing to do with Wilford.” you protested once more as Nam squatted before a panel. Just as Curtis reached it, the door swung open to reveal an empty car, various sleeping bunks scattered around as if they’d been vacated in a hurry.

“Close the door.” Curtis turned and ordered Nam, who nodded and set to get it to shut again and you realized in horror what this meant. As terrified as you were of all those people, you didn’t want to be left alone with Curtis. 

“No, no please! God I will tell you anything you want, not this.” You tried pleading with him as the whoosh of air behind you signaled the door shut, closing you in with Curtis. “Please… I really don’t know anything.”

His hand released its hold on you and you backed away, trying to put space between the pair of you. His cold eyes remained on your face for a second before he broke the stare.

“Wilford sent you to me for a reason. Why?” once again he seemed to inspect you up and down, stalking in closer, and you regretted now backing towards the door. It left you nowhere to go as your back pressed up against it shivering at the intense chill burning through your shirt. You knew you had to try again, try to make him see that you weren’t from the front end, but how? Curtis planted his right hand on the door beside your head and a knuckle from his left dragged down the side of your face. 

“I know you’re lying Little Bird, what did you do that pissed off Wilford so much he banished you into my care? Or are you spying for him?” His eyes narrowed as the soft gentle touch turned painful when he took hold of your cheek in his fingers. “Lie, and I'm willing to carve out your tongue. You can still be useful without one.” 

You swallowed at that, licking your lips nervously which seemed to amuse Curtis all the more. You shifted from one foot to another as you fought to find your voice. “What do you want to know?” you asked, your voice barely a whisper. He wasn’t going to believe you, and you were running out of options in this fun house of fucking hell at this point so you tried to change tactics, see if there was anything you could do to appease him.

“Exactly what I have been asking for, why Wilford sent you to me.” Curtis released your cheek so you could talk properly. And then you knew you were going to have to lie, it was all you had left. 

“Okay Curtis, Okay.” You whimpered a bit and lifted your arm to wipe at your face, trying to spin a tale he would believe. “I worked for Wilford, in the engine. But I can’t do it anymore, I tried to get sent into the greenhouses, make myself useful in other ways. Wilford wasn’t having it, he claimed I betrayed him wanting to leave him.” you took in a shuddering breath, praying that he believed it. He seemed to since he didn’t interrupt you. 

“He said if I can't be grateful, then I belong at the tail end.” you finished and held an anticipated breath. Curtis’ gaze seemed to go darker, a smirk as cold as the air around you. 

“Wilford’s personal girl huh?” he sneered and seemed to step in closer, caging you in further till he was pressed against you. “You're so warm, and it has been a long time.” 

You couldn’t help the sharp inhale rising your chest or the shake of your head as you realized what he was implying. “I wasn’t like that Curtis, no…” 

He snarled as he shoved his knee between your thighs roughly, making you spread them and he cocked his head as you whimpered in fear. “What makes you think at this moment I care?” 

Dawning came over you and with an almost instinctive reaction you screamed, trying to get off his leg but his hand was heavy on your face, the slap stunning you as he pulled away enough to yank your pants open and down enough to expose you to him. He spun you enough so your chest and cheek pressed against the train's wall, your scream dying into a sob as your tears carved tracks down your blood streaked face, the cold of the steel burning your overheated cheek. You knew it was pointless at this time to even beg him not to, but you still tried. Curtis Everett was a good man in the film, surely there had to be something of that left…

 “Please don't do this Curtis. You're not like this. I know you're not.”  

“You know nothing about me Girl.” he growled against the back of your head. “Hush Little Bird, it will probably be quicker than with Wilford, like I said, it’s been a while.”

You heard the tugging of clothing from behind, and his erection pressed against your backside and you resigned yourself to your fate.

Think of anything else, anything else.

You tried to think of mornings with Bryce, hanging with Stacey at the beach, your grandparent’s anniversary. But Curtis just overwhelmed you from behind, feeling him everywhere at once, and your legs shook with the threat that you were going to collapse. But he had you pinned, his weight feeling like it was crushing you into the side of the train. You heard him spit on his fingers and moments later they delved into your folds, stroking with precision and intent. Rough pads of calloused fingertips grazed your sensitive areas, and you clenched your thighs as much as possible in an attempt to fight him off, but to no avail. A few quick strokes between your folds as his heavy chest pressed against your back pinning you in place, you could feel the groan rolling through him as his fingers sunk into you. “So wet and tight Girl, I haven't felt this in so long.”

You choked a sob against the wall, trying not to make any satisfied noises at those strokes, he was thicker than Bryce was, even seemed to be able to find your sensitive spot, cause when he ran fingertips over you, you sighed and gyrated your hips for the fiction. 

“Ahhh, that's a pretty whore” he started to work you faster till you were so close, and he pulled his fingers away. Sucking them clean with pleasure while you tried to regain your composure. 

“I told you, I'm not Wilford’s whore.” You tried one more time, and Curtis slammed you against the wall hard enough to knock your air from your lungs in pain. 

“He wouldn't let anything as sweet as you be anything other than his whore. I know, I just tasted you.” 

Shifting your legs wider opened, he pressed the thick head of his cock against you, and started to inch into you, slowly. He seemed to relish the way your pussy swallowed him, both of you drawing in heavy dragging breaths for your own reasons. You tried to adjust to the fullness feeling, tilting your hips to relieve the pressure and he couldn't get over the way you were gripping him, flexing. 

“So fucking tight, and I can feel you taking me easily.” He hissed in your ear, and thrust his hips against you, grinding himself till you were gasping. A hand pressed against your stomach, and feeling his bulge deep at this angle. “Feel me so deeply Little Bird? I told you I’m going to make you sing.”

You noticed that he wouldn't properly kiss your neck, but he gave sucking nips up and down the column, his strokes precise and deep as he dragged his cock through you, still pressing that hand against your stomach till it dropped to cup your mound, rolling your clit with a steadiness you envied, because it was driving you crazy. 

“Come on now…” he panted slightly in your ear “You know you want this…”

“No, you're wrong, I don't. I swear!” You mewled a bit, causing him to chuckle behind you, filling you again in that way you couldn't stop the soft cry falling from you, wanting to plead again. 

“Just like that, give me that again.” Curtis hissed and aimed for that sweet spot of yours, having found it once. You bit your lip, fisting your hands against the train as you tried to hold back, but you couldn't. You couldn't stop the moans now falling from you to match his grunts the more he sped up, croaking out his name. “Fuck, Curtis… please.” 

“Thatta girl, come on.” He pressed against your clit further and the sensation lancing through you from his fingers, coupled with his controlled thrusts, had you cumming on his cock, the pleasure mixing with your shame at how your body had betrayed you made the rush more intense then you've ever experienced, the tingling shooting from your toes all the way up your spine. The slap of his hips against your ass told you he was chasing his own end, and a few deep thrusts later you felt the warmth flood you as his load shot into you, his weight crushing you into the train door. You could barely breathe while you tried pressing your hands against the wall enough to lift the two of you off. 

“Curtis, please, I can't breathe.” you whined a bit as tears fell down your face, and he shifted behind you with a grunt, pulling away, which you dragged air back into your lungs. 

After he pulled out, and his hands slid along your quivering hips and pulled your pants back up with a yank, he turned you around to face him once again. His hand cupped your face and dragged a thumb through the tears staining under your eyes and down your cheeks. You could smell yourself on him, on his fingers and your eyes fell down in shame as you could feel his scanning over your face. He reached up, his fingers biting into the sides of your cheeks as he gripped your face, tilting it up to look at him.

“Listen to me, you stick by my side, get me up to the front, you’re free to go.” He dropped his hand from your face and stepped back, tucking his now limp cock back into his pants. “You betray me because you’re secretly working for fucking Wilford and I will make sure you don't survive the end of this. Understand me?” He looked you up and down, shaking his head at your outfit. “Still can’t believe that bastard sent you here without any warm clothing.”

At that he glanced around the car you were in, which was bare for the most part as it was a sleeper car. Meticulously, Curtis started going through bunks, pulling up blankets, shoving around people's personal stuff looking for clothing. Trying to fix your shirt, you cleared your throat. “Curtis I can get you to the front, I know all that is ahead. I just want off the train.” 

He grabbed a large coat and shook it out, looking it over and placing it over his arm before sorting through more items, picking up a couple pairs of sneakers next, dirty but still usable. “Off the train? That's a death wish. More than you telling Wilford you didn't want to be his girl anymore.” 

“I wasn't-” You started but Curtis tossed you the jacket and sneakers he found, growling out. 

“I told you not to lie, m’kay? Don't make me have to remind you. I'm not an idiot. Put them on and let's continue.” his hand turned into a fist and banged against the door. “Nam, open back up.” You were tugging and closing the jacket with a sigh of relief. It wasn't warm, but at least it blocked some of the chill. The door sprang open, and your eyes lifted to see disappointed eyes and scowling faces that you were still alive. Curtis pointed at you. “Our ticket to the front. No one, and I mean NO ONE LAYS A FINGER ON HER.” 

After Curtis was satisfied everyone agreed, his cold eyes turned on you and arched his brow. “You said you know what was next, fill us in. Remember, you’re lying, it's all over.” He came up to you, and shackled your wrist in his hand, his fingers closed around and squeezed till you swore the bones were going to snap while yanking you into his side. Unprepared, you stumbled over your own feet and landed against him, trying to right yourself. “You are to stay by my side.” 

You wracked your mind trying to remember the movie. You paused for a second, thinking…and then remembered that after the fight, they cleaned up. “Water, next is water.” you blurted out “And there will be no one in there right now.” You hoped, fuck you hoped, that was right cause the look Curtis gave you promised to cut your head off if you were wrong.

Nam squatted before the door, and worked on prying the panel off. Soon it whooshed open to show you were right, Curtis pushed you back towards Gilliam, while the rest went forward to wash up. Gilliam looked you up and down for a moment from dirty glasses, and a hand grabbed your wrist to pull you in close. 

“You say anything to Curtis that he doesn't want to hear, it won't end well for you.” He warned and you yanked your wrist back to you, your eyes narrowing at him with distrust. You were about to hiss back you knew that he was working with Wilford, ready to betray Curtis when your jaw snapped shut. But what else did he know? If you were to say something, he might just have Curtis kill you to keep his secret. Plus Curtis thinks you're nothing more than a disgraced front ender at the moment, where Gilliam was his mentor. At this point, you know Curtis wouldn’t give a second thought killing you off if you are becoming a problem. Giving into Gilliam, you give a slight nod in understanding, now feeling like you were betraying Curtis yourself.  Your eyes darted back to Curtis who was ushering people into the water to wash off and you knew saying anything against Gilliam would probably result in your demise. 

It wasn't long till Curtis gathered a small group to continue on, you once more latched to his side with a grip that you thought might snap your bones. You stumbled onward alongside. “What’s next?” 

“Uh, the greenhouse.” You stutter and as you two enter you are blasted with the first feeling of warm air that actually settled beyond your skin. “And the next is a large aquarium”. Feeling more confident as you descend through the tropical heat, the others in your ragtag group couldn't hold back from exploring. But Curtis looked at nothing, focused on one thing only-getting to the door. The next barrier opened to a bright glow of blue pouring out of the now open door. Everyone's heads fell back, eyes upwards to look in amazement at the fish darting overhead, jellyfish shimmering in the lower sections, what looked like might be stingrays with large flapping wings gliding through the water. Even you couldn't help admiring the fish overhead. Curtis paid it all a momentary glance before leading you towards what looked like a bar. Sitting down, he took the seat next to you and the host immediately started making some sushi. Your eyes gazed down as your stomach clenched, oddly enough you started to feel hungry. 

How the fuck were you hungry? You felt guilty for that. Stacey, who was lying lifeless on the floor, empty eyes staring at nothing now, all because you dragged her to what should have been a charity event and you were fucking hungry. Nevertheless, as the host pushed a plate in front of you, you considered eating but were spared the decision as a dirty hand reached over and took it away from you. You were caught in surprise when Curtis passed it over to Tonya. You looked up at him, questioningly…and then as you recalled the events of the film you inwardly groaned as you knew what was coming.

“I don’t think so.” Reaching in his jacket pocket, he yanked out a black, gelatinous bar holding it up for you to see. “Here, this is your food. Since you joined the tail end, might as well act like one of us. You have years to catch up on.” He tossed it at you while your stomach rolled, and he watched you with amusement, a cold smirk playing as you looked at it in horror. You knew exactly what it was, and he did too. There was no way you were going to eat it. 

“No, I'm not hungry.” You tossed it back at him, and his expression changed from amused to rage as he snapped out of his seat, hauling you up by the back of your coat and grabbing the block, shoving it in your face even as you tried twisting away. 

“Gotta keep up your strength Little Bird.” His words bit just as much as his fingers digging into your cheeks to have your mouth pry open. “We spent 17 years shoving this shit in our mouths while you had what, Sushi, Steak, fucking fruits and vegetables?” 

You swore your teeth cracked under his hold, and your jaw popped when he wrenched it open shoving the gelatin block into your mouth and using the heel of his hand to snap your jaw shut around it. His hand smothered against your mouth, locking it shut while his other hand held the back of your head to keep you in place. Your hands tried slapping at him, but he had you twisted just enough away from him, that it was all useless.

“Swallow your shit or choke on it, either way works for me.” His hiss burned your ear, and in his rage he ended up biting your neck and you squealed in shock and pain while choking on the bar that had long since turned from gelatin to a slosh in your mouth. Swallowing it and choking behind his hand, Curtis released you to collapse, landing on your knees and palms, coughing and gasping while he went back to the sushi bar. The rest of the people there had ignored the whole exchange. When Curtis sat back down, he took an offered plate, picking up a piece of sushi carefully, and popped it in his mouth. You push yourself up to stand, wiping the drool off your chin and lips, glaring at him now. Only once did his gaze snap to you while he chewed his sushi and he bore no look of remorse on his face. 

“Everyone finished up?” Curtis brushed his filthy hands together like he was cleaning them, and grasped the ax he had been carrying with him, turning towards you. “Come on, what's in the next car and what do we expect?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously, and you wracked your brain while shuffling back to him slowly, trying to give yourself time. 

“Food, Meat. It's a meat locker. It’s safe.” You finally remember, glancing at the host behind the sushi bar, but he merely looks at you disinterested as he's cleaning up the leftovers. Curtis grabbed a hold of you and tucked you back into his side, giving Nam a nod to get the door open. You were confident that this was safe. It was the next one you had to warn him about. Once the door opened and you all started to march in, a feeling of dread settled deeper in your chest. Large hanging racks of beef swayed back and forth, chickens hung off the wall, and the freezing cold of the car sucked the air from your lungs. There was light chatter from the others, mostly marveling at the fact that meat still existed. 

But you weren't paying attention to that, you were focusing on your footfalls compared to Curtis’s long strides to get you all through, trying to dodge around the frozen man sized beef slabs hanging, and your eyes darted around, pulling in closer to your captor. “Curtis? Somethings not right.” you started to warn when a blade from seemingly out of nowhere went swinging at your head causing you to jerk yourself back out of instinct against the hard wall of muscle that made up Curtis. You knocked him off kilter enough so the sudden swinging blade missed him by inches, sparks falling down on the two of you from the brutal hit of metal on steel. At first you just saw the machete coming for you, as you tried to push away from it. Beyond that was a man similar to when you first got on the train. His all black protective gear blending him into the car's darker shadows. Curtis managed to shove you away while you scrambled across the frozen floor to get behind him as best as you could while more men came out of hiding from the back of the car, darting around the slabs of frozen beef.. Curtis raised his own ax and swung it down in a quick swoop, hitting your attacker on the leg, sinking it into the muscle below the knee, making him collapse. But that certainly wasn't the last as more came out of hiding, surging to destroy each other. You try to keep close to Curtis, your mind screaming ‘This wasn't what happened. Fuck Fuck Fuck.’ 

Pulling yourself to a stand using a side of beef, you could see the tail ender group starting to get overwhelmed and crowded closer to the door. Well those that were left that is, as once again for the second time since you had arrived, bodies were scattered around the floor. Granted, there was more of them dead than there were of Curtis’s group, but the tail enders were still outnumbered. Nam managed to squat next to the panel and pried off, yanking out wires in a haste to get them out of there, while Curtis swung the ax trying to keep them back far enough to let Nam work. His gaze turned towards you accusingly. “Safe huh?” 

The rage in his eyes spoke of ill-boding for you, and your head shook back and forth. “It was supposed to be Curtis, I don't know what happened.”

At that point, your back slammed against the wall, something biting in between your shoulders and you twist away from it, spinning around on your feet to see what it was, a key sticking out of the train's wall. Rolling your eyes up, you can see the track to move the slabs of beef to the front to collect, and deduce that it must be the key to turn the track on. Not hesitating, you flicked it on, the gears above you squeaking for half a second. You had turned it on full power, and the meat shot forward with force, slamming into the militant men. They fell forward from the force and sheer size of the frozen meat, stumbling and losing their footing on the icy floor. Curtis and several others dropped their axes on the downed people, the surprise giving enough of a chance to level the outcome.  

The door whooshed open and the happy singing of children filled the car as behind you, the screams and cursing started to die down once more. 

“Excuse me!” a petite blonde stood in the doorway, her hands to her hips, and beyond her were a load of children peeking around her, seeming to be un-phased at the rag tag survivors or the bodies scattered at their feet. You flick off the key to stop the track, the gears winding down and creaking to a stop, the frozen beef swaying back and forth as everyone stared at each other, your group all in shock as the adrenaline highs pumped through you all. The woman and kids, if anything, looked annoyed at being disrupted. Your nerves are jarred, since you recall this section of the movie, but would it be different this time? The meat locker certainly was.

Curtis glanced at you, mistrust in his gaze at you, and you could feel a sinking feeling in your gut. “It's dangerous Curtis.” You said low enough just for him to hear. “The eggs, the man who brings the eggs is dangerous. It's a way to smuggle in weapons.” 

His face just looked confused at what you were babbling to him, jerking you forward to weave forward. Curtis hold on you was painful, vibrating his anger. “Shut your mouth. I told you what would happen if you were lying, maybe I will roll your tongue out on one of these desks and cut it off.” 

Your jaw clamped shut, praying he didn't mean it. The teacher snapped her fingers to get the group’s attention, drawing herself up. “If you're coming into my classroom, don't be so disruptive. I’m teaching a class here.” 

Curtis brushed past her, looking at all the cheery children who had made their way back to their desks, falling into an eerie upbeat hum as they settled back down. “We were just having our music lesson.” The teacher clapped along happily. Edgar, somehow still alive, sidled up to Curtis, looking uncomfortable. “Creepy little bastards, aren't they?”

You stayed silent, but had to agree. They opened their desks in unison, faces hidden behind the blocks of wood while their teacher put on a smile in a sing-song voice. “Okay children, let's greet our guests properly. What would we do if our tail end friends come up to see us?” 

“We welcome them with a song and cheer.” The kids chanted, faces still hidden from everyone. You pressed in closer to Curtis, the tension in the air feeling at a snapping point. 

The teacher turned towards the pair of you, her hands clasped together and pressed to her mouth as if she was overcome with happiness and joy. “They are all so cute aren't they?” 

And no sooner had she said that, all the desks snapped shut, each child wearing a homemade mask, clutching scissors in their tiny hands. 

Once again, you were wrong. This was vastly different from the film as all the kids changed from humming to singing the song, the Wilford song, leaping from their desks, swarming over Tonya who had been still standing in the aisle. You watched in horror as they started stabbing her over and over with their scissors, singing as they plunged scissors in her chest of the shocked woman. “What happens if the engine stops? WE ALL FREEZE AND DIE.” Blood arched in the air, one of them must have hit an artery, or simply the sheer force of the kids motions. Tonya barely put up a fight, clearly overwhelmed by the multitude of children clinging to her, stabbing over and over as she sunk out of sight underneath them all. Curtis in surprise released you to sweep the horde of children off with a swing of the broad side of the ax, and like a pack of apes, they regrouped and loped along to attack again, leaping onto grown men and women, a bunny, a fox, a bear, all trying to sink their scissors into bodies.

“But when it stops or will it stop?” the teacher chanted, having scuttled to her piano when the kids first broke loose. The kids kept getting kicked back, their eyes glazed behind their masks, and their grins matching the militia groups.

“What are we supposed to do?” Edgar kicked at another kid who broke loose from the pack of masks, slicing his scissors at his thigh before Edgar’s foot pushed against his chest. “Kill the kids?”

It was wrong, you could see Curtis didn’t want to bloody his ax with a child. Another broke loose and weaved around Curtis to leap on you, scrambling up your front while sinking the scissors into the back of your shoulder, singing in your face. “NO NO! CAN YOU TELL US WHY?” The pain wasn’t anything you’ve ever experienced before, sharp hot heat tearing into your shoulder, and the girl gave a sweet innocent smile while giving a yanking twist before pulling out the scissors to sink in again.

You tried wrenching the little girl off you, gasping in pain as she kept screaming in your face to the song, yanking the scissors out and stabbing again in almost the same spot. “THE ENGINE IS ETERNAL YES, THE ENGINE IS FOREVER YES!” You did what you could to dislodge the girl from your chest, your hands turned into fists and hitting them against her when a thud crushed her body into yours, and the malicious child's eyes turned into surprise and pain before she was yanked off you. Curtis shook his ax to dislodge the girl from the end of his blade and your hand went to your shoulder, grasping the sunk to the hilt scissors and yanked, screaming out when you felt it slide from your shoulder. 

“Rumble rumble, rattle rattle, Who is the reason why?” The piano still playing, the teacher singing her heart out while her students started to be killed off, Curtis no longer letting guilt because they were children get in the way. Your hand still was fisted around the scissors, and the singing, the singing was driving you insane among all the chaos. At the last lyric, the teacher flung her head back, now singing alone as the last of the children were cornered and massacred. “Wilford Ya! Wilford hip hooray!!!” 

“Shut up bitch!” you screamed from behind her, and stabbed the scissors right into her neck where you could see the pulse fluttering, her hand coming up to grab your wrist, gasping as her artery squirted blood across the room, layers of fresh blood sprayed among all the dried on your clothing from earlier. Shocked at your actions, you released the scissor handle while she slumped forward to bang her head on the keys, making a musical note which resounded through the now silent cart. You were panting through a panic attack now, at how crazy this all was, and Curtis whipped you around to face him, snarling at you. 

“Snap out of it Little Bird, cause we're not done yet.” 

His words did nothing to calm you, at all. You continued to struggle for air as you realized that whilst you knew roughly what lay ahead, you’d been wrong now for two carts in a row.

And you weren’t sure how much more you could handle.

[ezraspiderwick]

Tumblr Writer Q&A

Thanks for the tag @feathersandfoxtails

1) How many complete fics/one shots do you have that you have not published (yet)? There are two chapters ready to be posted of Guns for hands, they are scheduled to be posted on Saturdays. Nothing finished apart from that.  

2) How many WIPS do you have right now? 6? 4 of them are for the ongoing series I have and 2 one-shots, all of them at different stages of progress

3) Do you take writing requests or write original ideas, or both? If I’m feeling like it I’ll take requests, problem is I’m terrible at fullfilling them. Sorry to anyone who requested something, I promise I’ll get to it eventually 😭

4) If you do take requests, how many do you currently have? 5 of them, one is already a wip

5) How many fandoms do you write for? For Lin and Pedro’s characters

6) Are there any fandoms you wrote for in the past that you no longer write for? Started writing fics in 2015 and it was for a school assignment, we had to change the ending of To kill a mockingbird. After that in 2016 and 2017 I heavily wrote (all unpublished) me inserts, not reader inserts, but I made ME a character in TWD, Marvel, The 100 and Daredevil . 2018 wrote the first non-me insert for Timeless. 2020 the pandemic comes and I publish for the first time on ao3, a TWD fic. Then between 2020 and 2021 Community and Snowpiercer 

7) Do you write for ships, reader inserts or other? I can in theory write for ships, but my joy comes from reader inserts. Also enjoy writing for canon non-romantic relationships.

8) Niche fandoms/characters you write for? Lin’s characters, the only “popular” one is Hamilton and maybe Lee 😆

9) Do you read fics as well as write them? of course!

10) What is your favorite genre to write for? Romance and/or whump, depends on the mood of the day

11) What is your favorite trope (to read/write)?  Hurt/comfort (I can get my fluff and angst needs from it), I enjoy soulmates AUs and slowburn too

12) What do you do to get motivated to write? Read fics and stare at them in amazement once I’m finished

13) Is there a trope/genre you like to read, but not write? I like reading smut, but after a couple of tries of my own, I don’t think I’m the best at writing it 😆

14) Any characters/fandoms you want to write for that are never requested? not that I can think of

15) How long have you been writing fan fiction? In my head? Since I was about 7. On paper? around 6 years. Publishing it and being serious about it? a little over a year

16) Did you read fan fiction before you started writing? Yes

17) Do you only post on Tumblr, or any other sites as well? Both on here and on Ao3

18) What do you personally consider the word counts of “Drabble”, “One shots” and “fics”? My fics are pretty short, so a drabble is anything too short for me to justify putting on ao3, so anything less than 500. One shots anything over that. And aren’t one-shots fics? *stares in confusion*

19) Which do you prefer to write more? HC, drabbles, oneshots/fics, multi chapter stories, other? One-shots, but do I get over excited and write the first chapter of multi-chapter fics I now need to complete way too often? Yes, yes I do

20) Are there any stories you have discontinued? If so, why? The Snowpiercer ones, no longer invested in the show as I was. Oh, and a Spiderman one I wrote after watching the movie, my motivation went away

21) What is one of your main “pet-peeves” as a writer on Tumblr? People not commenting on fics if they liked them, likes are nice but comments give life to authors, so if you like something let the author know even if it’s emojis they’ll appreaciate it more than you know 💙

22) Do you write a particular time of day? During economy and history class, but don’t tell my teacher 😂 Also at night

23) Do you listen to music, ambiance/noise, etc to write or do you need silence? I’ll put the same song or album on repeat and after a while my brain will drown the sound, it helps me focus

24) Do you outline your fics at all before writing? multi-chapter fics yes, in fact it’s my favorite part of writing

25) Do you post your writing as soon as you finish it, or do you schedule it to come out at a specific time/day?  Depends on if I have someone to beta read the fic, if I don’t I post it right away

no pressure tagging (with request to start a new post if you partake): @sunflowersturn @night-academy @kesskirata @katieslotherford

[jtargaryen18]

I read out of darkness before watching Snowpiercer. I might be in the minority but I thought the ending was fitting. Especially with the guilt he harbored about being unable to severe his arm in the early years. In terms of Guillian saying you need two arms to hold a women. That was ableist and Curtis is lovable to me regardless of the number of forearms he has. I don’t think that was what you and the other anon were getting at but it’s rarely brought up or written perspective.

Thanks for writing. While my little fan-fic heart would have had Curtis live at the end of the film (and because it's been a lot of fun to try and guess what life and survival would have been like had many of them survived, the ending did make sense.

But, in the context of the story (told in the film), you're right. Timmy and Yona survived, largely untouched by the corruption of the train and the power struggles that dominated there. One from the front (mostly) and one from the tail section. It was hinted humanity had hope as long as they lived and the polar bear was indicative of life going on.

The original ending in the graphic novel was even darker. None of the characters from the graphic novel are in the film. The protagonist there ended up the last man alive as the rest of the train's inhabitants died of a plague or he killed them. He killed his own love interest. The train went on and you got the idea that the train would still be running after he died.

You make a very good point.🙏

[tansypoisoning]

Tansy’s Spooky Challenge

Because the World is terrifying :D

To celebrate this milestone (1k followers :O) I’m starting a challenge which hopefully will give back to this community in terms of exposure of less known authors (or just authors that aren’t known by my followers) and in creating more stories. I’m so thankful for all the attention I’ve been given, and I hope to give you guys my attention as well.

I love writing challenges because they give authors motivation to write (sometimes even things out of their comfort zone), because they’re a great way for writer’s to promote themselves, and because it’s a great way for the person hosting it to find more stories and authors they could end up being big fans of :D I especially encourage people with less followers, or whose works I haven’t read to participate.

The main objective of this challenge is to write something that has an element of horror in it. It can range from a situation that seemed scary but is okay, to something that is a little eerie, to pure unadulterated terror. As for rules:

You DON’T have to be following me to participate.

You have to enter with a reader insert/OC fic. There doesn’t have to be any smut or shipping, and if there is, the relationship DOESN’T HAVE to be about dark!character or dark!reader.

I’ll read works for any fandom, but the ones I’m most familiar with are Marvel, Overwatch, Snowpiercer, Knives Out, Naruto, Avatar:The Legend of Aang

You can submit drabbles, one-shots, or an entry of a serialized story.

A single prompt CAN be used by more than a single person.

The fanfics can be of any length, but if they’re on the longer side, please try putting a ‘Read More’ in there somewhere to avoid making things difficult for people reading on phones.

Things that are not allowed in terms of content: underage sex, bestiality, graphic child abuse (allusions are ok) I don’t think anyone would submit an entry that I would have reservations reblogging, but if in doubt you can ask me for help. Give warnings for any sensitive topic you bring up.

Tag your fic with “TansySpookyChallenge2020”

Send me an ask or dm telling me you posted it, preferably a dm. Asks can get eaten by the inbox, and tagging doesn’t always work.

Deadline is November 24th. You can DM for extensions

PROMPTS BELOW

Choose one item from each list and work them into a story. I allow and encourage trying to game the system with multiple interpretations of a term, less literal readings, or wordplay.

List 1

Happiness

Jealousy

Nostalgia

Desperation

Fury

Triumph

Sadness

Acceptance

Fervor

Disgust

Awe

Confusion

Hope

Craving

Foreboding

Denial

Loss

Ennui

Adoration

Sympathy

Pain

Betrayal

Commiseration

Anxiety

Rancor

Determination

List 2

Sink or swim

Chokecherry

Crossroads

“Let me see what you have.” “A knife!”

French vanilla

Something forgotten long ago

The shore

The eye of the storm

Bathtub

Corn hell

Down by the river

Baby’s breath

A little fire

An old saloon

Unearthed bones

On the move

Before dawn

Dead men walking

By candlelight

Frankenstein

Prima Donna

A hill about a mile outta town

First dance

Ritual

Underground

A small request

These text prompts can be used however you want: whether you want to have them in your story in their entirety, use bits, write something around them, something inspired by them, or just something you think has a similar feel. Just let me know which you picked.

There is a Corvette parked in front of the building, just by the front door. You approach the vehicle as if compelled by an invisible force and look in through the closed window. There’s none inside, but you see, in the driver's seat, illuminated by the neon lights of the bar, a white cowboy hat with a golden band. This isn’t the first time you see this hat.

The hole is no more than eight feet long and three feet wide. You peer in deeper, but you can’t see the bottom. There’s a soft but grating sound coming from somewhere within, like sharp nails raking against a metal plate. You can’t see the bottom, but you think you can see movement inside.

You abandon the warmth of the laundromat for the biting cold of the outside world. To your right, the road extends for miles and miles into the night, as it does to your left. There’s no place for you to go, but you can’t go back inside.

The light of the neon sign proudly displaying “Rising Sun Motel” shines through your door. You had closed and locked it before taking your shower – you know you had, because you do it in every room you rent. You take a cursory glance of your surroundings. Nothing is out of place or missing. Must be a faulty lock. The night is windy and could have pushed the cheap door open. You go to lock it again, and when you turn around you see that the closet door is slightly ajar.

The land is flat as far as the eye can see and identical houses with identically manicured lawns sprout from it as far as the eye can see. You run up and then down the street (or is it down and then up?) but you can’t seem to find anything else. The people look so friendly when they smile and wave as they pass you by, but you don’t ask them for directions. You look at your phone. You have signal, but all you can get your internet to show you are advertising for washing machines and sites with recipes for awful things preserved in aspic. The date and hour on your home screen keep changing. You’re positive you’ve been in this place for hours, but the sun won’t set.

“B-but… I don’t understand...” “We have checked the security footage three times and found nothing. There are also no signs of forced entries. No fingerprints.” “-My phone! I took pictures, I know I took-!” “We found nothing on your phone, in the SD card, or in the Cloud. There’s nothing.” “That’s impossible!” “We searched as much as we could. I’m sorry, but… are you sure-” “I know what I saw! I know it! Look again!” You aren’t imagining things. It couldn't have been your mind. It couldn't, it couldn’t, it couldn't

What kind of convenience store has taxidermy heads for decoration? You ask yourself as you roam the aisles of the near empty shop. You peek from behind a row of shelves to one side and spot the clerk. He’s old and severe looking, and although his pupils are pointed in your direction, you get the distinct feeling he’s looking right through you. You move your head to the other side of the shelves and spot another one of those fucking deer heads. This one’s large, wet eyes are turned to a fixture in the ceiling, but you would swear it’s watching you.

Rain pelts you as you stand at the dock, waiting. You hope your boat will arrive soon. You look over your shoulder into the mist and see nothing that should give you pause, but your leg still won’t stop shaking. You touch your arm by reflex and wince when you brush your cut. You think your makeshift tourniquet is working, but it looks fragile, like it could get dismantled at any second. In this weather, you’re sure is just a matter of time. You look over your shoulder again. Still nothing, but you fear it won’t last. You hope your boat will arrive soon.

The living room is dark, but you don’t turn on the lights. You are still too close. You move to the kitchen, and there you feel safe enough to reach for the switch. The illuminated room, much larger than it needed to be, is a ghastly land of contrasts. The many counters and their many marble tops are covered in trash. The tile floors, formerly clean enough to eat out of, are now muddied, not a single spot spared. The eyes of the two stoves are covered by pans and pots boiling foul mixtures. Through the window you can see the sprawling lawn and walls of hedges. They will hide you, but for how long? There is something waiting for you in the hallway, something terrible. You have to address it before sunrise, but for now you’ll wait here. The kitchen isn’t half as bad as the rest of the house.

‘The Bystander Effect’ is the term used to describe the phenomenon in which people don’t intervene in emergency situations when in a group, and, the larger the group, the less likely they are to intervene. You know this to be true, even without doing any research, as you hobble your way through the maze of alleyways. Your cries for help had gone unanswered, bouncing off the concrete walls into a multitude of uncaring ears. It’s just how it is in the big city – every man for himself, and the devil take the hindmost. So much for safety in numbers. The truth is, in this city, surrounded by all these people, you’re more alone than you’d ever been.

You take the first step with care, mindful of all the ice. The second is a little clumsier. On the third you almost slip. You skip the fourth and fall on the fifth, rolling down the stairs and landing face first in the snow. You scramble to get back to your feet and run to your car. You have to get home. You lock yourself in and don’t bother with the safety belt. You shove the key in the ignition and turn and turn but nothing happens. Did you leave it in the cold too long, or- There’s no time to think about it. You step out of the car and start running, into the freezing night. You have to get home, you have to get home now.

Cleanup time is always a hassle. You wish you didn’t have to do it, but it wouldn’t be fair to leave the mess all to your partner. You two near the open trunk of the car and load the heavy cargo into it. Your companion seems the most affected by the weight, and you offer an apologetic smile. Fair is fair though; it was your turn to carry the feet end.

Skinny dipping had seemed like a good idea when your friend suggested it earlier, under the sweltering sun. Now, standing in front of the pool in your bathing suit, all by your lonesome, you start to regret having agreed to her scheme. Wasn’t she supposed to have arrived forty minutes ago? She said she’d bring people too, because skinny dipping alone isn’t fun. Well, now you are all alone in the cold, and you suspect that is even less fun. Just as you make up your mind to leave, you see a car through the chain link fence. It pulls up just before the gate and the engine turns off. That must be them.

[dbnightingale24]

Coming soon 😌

[missaudreystiara]

Is it a complete sin to delete a whole chapter from an AO3 fic because you hate it? 👀

[pregnant-javert]

1. top gun

2. hangster

3. iceman <3

001 | Top Gun (I assume you mean '86!):

Favorite character: Iceman

Least Favourite character: Charlie (she's annoying)

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Goose/Carole, Icemav, Slicemav, Slider/Ice, Goosemav

Character I find most attractive: Iceman <3

Character I would marry: Forgot to answer this! Iceman <3

Character I would be best friends with: Carole! She sounds fun to be around <3

A random thought: I always wonder if some of the pilots in the Top Gun school group knew each other pre-movie canon.

An unpopular opinion: TG:M is the better movie. Top Gun is good but it is slightly dated now

My Canon OTP: Goose/Carole

My Non-canon OTP: Icemav

Most Badass Character: Maverick (come on now)

Most Epic Villain: The MiG

Pairing I am not a fan of: I have seen some Goose/Iceman and I'm like...I don't see it

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Charlie...she could have been better but she was just kinda annoying lol. No way that relationship lasted more than three weeks post-TG

Favourite Friendship: Goose/Maverick

Character I most identify with: Goose.

Character I wish I could be: Iceman. I wish I could have Val Kilmer's face and his frosted tips.

002 | Hangster:

When I started shipping them: I wanted them both to show up in an Icemav fic and I thought it'd be easier if they were romantic lol.

My thoughts: Literally I love them. The sexual tension (intentional or not) was fire. Their interactions were so juicy and if the writers had a shred of courage they would have kissed post-Dagger mission

What makes me happy about them: They get to be soft together!!

What makes me sad about them: They're probably going to have to deal with residual trauma from the dagger mission :(

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I don't like slowburns so that annoys me lol, but that's not a dig at anyone. I guess if they're still acting like assholes to each other :P

Things I look for in fanfic: Literally just fluff...or angst with fluff at the end. Love that emotional hurt comfort <3

My wishlist: I mean if we get another movie (Top Gun: Rooster?) then I would love to see their relationship fleshed out more hehe.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I love Roosmav so that would be it. And I don't mind Macheresin or floydsin.

My happily ever after for them: Living in a nice house in San Diego teaching at Top Gun together <3

003 | Iceman:

How I feel about this character: Literally my blorbo. I love him and the way he's played and his storyline and his Val Kilmer-given backstory. He's just so good <3

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Maverick

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: I love Cyclone and Iceman's work relationship haha.

My unpopular opinion about this character: This is kind of not really about Iceman but I wish they at least mentioned Sarah Kazansky before Maverick meets her at the house because it kinda feels like she was just thrown in there to shut up the icemav girlies :|

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Honestly I wish we saw more of him, but I guess Val only wanted to be there for that long...I'm glad we got him anyway!

Favorite friendship for this character: Slider&Iceman.

My crossover ship: LOL I don't do crossovers but something from Snowpiercer maybe :P

[lets-love-little-me]

Thanks to Hamilton and Snowpiercer I now am obsessed with Daveed Diggs. Anyone have any good fan fics they wanna share with me?

[raving-raven-writing]

😍 What is your favourite fic trope?

👿 What trope do you hate / avoid at all costs?

💏 Who is your OTP?

Thank you anon for the asks! What is my favorite fic trope? I’m a big fan of Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Whump. Modern Life AUs are also up alley, and canon divergence. But I think the first three are my most favorite. There is just something about reading your favorite characters in situations of peril that really captivate me, especially when they’re written in just the right amount of detail.

A trope I hate/avoid at all costs? I am really turned off by Mpreg and A/B/O and PWP. They are just not my cup of tea. I don’t really get Mpreg because there’s nowhere for the baby to be born, unless of course the character is a trans male who kept all their female hardware they got at birth. That particular scenario makes sense to me. And A/B/O, unless they are actual wolves, I don’t want to read it. Even if they are werewolves, I don’t like this aspect being applied because it generally means it will be highly sexual and kinky.  And PWP explains itself, if there’s no reason to have sex scenes, I don’t really want to read it. Who is my OTP? Hmmm, well that really depends on what fandom we’re talking about. There are several OTPs that I have I guess. Here are some that come to mind: - Memori (Murphy and Emori from the 100 although Murphy and Raven could have been endgame too) -Stydia (Stiles and Lydia from Teen Wolf, although Sterek and Isaac/Allison too are good) -Oz and LJ (from Snowpiercer--one of the more...problematic ships I guess. It could have ended on a better note for them) -Bess and Audrey (also from Snowpiercer, and probably one of the few lesbian couples I ship) -Gallavich (Ian and Mickey from Shameless. Love these two characters so much! Knew from the first episode that they had the hots for one another) -Kevin and V (also from Shameless, probably one of the healthiest pairs I’ve come across) -Diego and Lila (from the Umbrella Academy. They’re chaotic and some would say toxic but they got a lot of chemistry) I could say more but I’ll stop there. Thanks again for the ask!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Not Leaving

Summary- 950 words. Curtis Everett x You. Your still plagued by nightmares of the assault. Curtis isn't leaving you to face them alone though. Angst. 

“You think he has a chance, don't you still?” That face, that fucking face that was still out there somewhere came out of the dark at you. And you looked around, somehow he had you trapped? How could he have you trapped, you were free. You were free of the tail-end, you made it out, back to Curtis. And yet, here was your attacker. You already could feel his hands all over you, that weight keeping you in place, that forceful pain. You backed up once more, trying for more distance. “I know he does, he got to me before you could.”

“Oh, really little girl? cause I remember our time together and he sure as hell wasn't there.” He sneered and looked around, then back to you with a cruel grin crossing his face. “I don't see him now.” There was a sharp laugh in the darkness, and you whipped your head trying to find it. “Whos with you!?”

Matt stepped out of the darkness, dressed in his finest, Claude following along behind him. “I gave you to him. Now just go along quietly, it won't be so bad...”

Curtis was awoken to your whimpers in your pillow, turned away from him, facing the train wall. It was hard to see you in the darkness, moving to his elbow, he leaned over you slightly, brushing aside your hair and studying you. Your face screwed up, and suddenly you thrashed out, screaming. Curtis slid up to sit, pressing you back and catching your flailing hands to pin them back, keep you from hurting yourself. “Y/N, Babygirl, come back, you gotta wake up.” He said in soft calming tones and when your eyes finally sprang open, your chest heaving in your panic, he didn't loosen.

Curtis had done this before, it always took you a few seconds. “Hey, hey, it's okay. Just a bad dream baby.” Your eyes started to focus on him, and he felt the shuddering breath, your release. He eased his hands off your wrists and pulled back. “In and out baby, your okay.”

“Oh Curtis, I didn't hit you did I?” uncontrolled tears sprang to your eyes and he shook his head, his hand rubbing lightly on your upper arm. “No, you didn't hurt me any. Are you okay?”

He could see the way you locked up, overwhelmed by what was on your mind, and your hands sprang up to cover your face. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wish I wasn't like this.”

“Oh babygirl, You have nothing to be sorry for.” Curtis ached to reach out and pull you into his arms, press you into his neck so that he could take your fear away, let you melt into his arms as you have done in the past. But this was different, these bastards had taken something from you that he couldn't just fix, and it left him feeling helpless in your fear. Silence stretched between you two when you pushed up and moved over to him, his hands went to your waist and helped ease you where you wanted to be, where he wanted you to be.

Your arms looped around his neck and your face hid in his neck. You couldn't control the quake in your body that vibrated against him. “what I’m sorry for is that this is still between us Curtis, that I push you away still, and that hurts. Cause I need you more than ever.” You admitted with a soft tone, Curtis tipping his head to kiss the curve of your shoulder. This change in your relationship, you loathed, hated the men who caused this, part of you hated your brother forever being involved with Wilford and his men. What you loathed the most was the fear they instilled in you that would make Curtis be unable to reach for you when he needed it. Worried that it would be too much for you, that he would be too much for you.

You just wanted to get better, and didn't know how.

“And I’m not going anywhere Y/N, I certainly wouldn’t ever leave because your hurting, and will want to be with you till the end.” Kissing her forehead and tipping his head to lean his against hers, his blue eyes finding hers and rubbing your back deeply. “we won't do anything until your ready, and I don’t want you worrying about this anymore.”  

Curtis knew what the dream was, it had been going on since moving into the usable cars, but he still nudges you lightly. “Can you tell me Y/N?” A slight shake of your head was all the answer he needed, as much as he wanted to, hear couldn't make you tell him. So he did the only thing he knew to do, just held you in that way you sunk into him, as if you could burrow away from it.

He held you like that till you shifted, and leaned back to look at him, reaching up to trace along his face, and a finger over his bottom lip before you leaned in and gave a soft innocent kiss as a thank you. “We should go back to bed Handsome.” His arms tightened around you and slipped you back into your spot, which you waited will he laid down next to you and slid over, not wanting to put space between you two. Gently his fingers started to brush through your hair, and that act, so familiar as he always was running ringers into your hair, was calming enough for you to drift back into a dreamless sleep.

It took Curtis a bit longer to follow you there.  

[onetrainscifi]

2 for the Fan fiction ask

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

I've got ~opinions~ on the show and that's how to show them. Also cause Snowpiercer needs more fic

[uwua3]

bunnie!!! ur mind!!! the songs fit each member so well omg,,, i kept singing each song lmao,,, also may i present to u: spring day for tsumugi and tasuku (esp for before + start of winter troupe main story) 👀

now this... this is what i wanted someone to REQUEST!!! i had to take a break from writing an angst song fic to write ANOTHER angst song fic because i genuinely love this prompt so much!!! thank you so much for reading my mind, pines, omg!!! it’s good to see you again~ also, i like your blue theme!

summary: tsumugi came back to him like the first snow of every winter

warnings: break ups, hatred, heartbreak

author’s note: ok tala already basically wrote out the plot for me but here we go ~ Angst ~ for the boys and it’ll be a song fic, so expect it to follow the lyrics! i wrote this with the canon idea in mind that tasuku and tsumugi are ex–boyfriends turned lovers again so don’t be surprised from the #Gay~ happy pride!

sometimes, you’re with the right person at the wrong time. if they come back, it’s meant to be and it’ll be okay ♡ remember, communication is key!

word count: 6,509

music: spring day (jpn) – bts

spring day.

❄️📚⚽️ tsukioka tsumugi x takoto tasuku

I MISS YOU, SAYING THIS MAKES ME MISS YOU EVEN MORE,

I MISS YOU, EVEN THOUGH I’M LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTO

TIME’S SO CRUEL, I HATE US

SEEING EACH OTHER FOR ONCE IS NOW SO HARD BETWEEN US

Tsumugi was gone, like he never existed.

Every trace of him that was ever in Tasuku’s life was gone, there was nothing left. The apartment was left empty, bare, lifeless; it felt nothing like home, not anymore. When Tasuku searched the apartment, there was truly nothing that resembled any evidence Tsumugi was even alive. It was as if, he didn’t want Tasuku to remember him. To forget, to ignore the person he had shared his entire life with.

Tasuku paused at the one sign Tsumugi was real: the single framed picture near the front door. It was placed on the counter, the same stand where the couple would drop their keys at so they knew where everything was. Tasuku wanted to hear the sound of the metal clattering against the ceramic bowl Tsumugi crafted in pottery class, to hear Tsumugi affectionately call out, “I’m home!”, and for his brown peacoat jacket to be hung on the hook behind the door. Tasuku wanted Tsumugi to come back.

When Tasuku picked up the picture, his hand was shaking. Tasuku remembered this exact frame: the day he realized he was in love with his best friend. Tsumugi’s blue eyes were staring straight at the Tasuku with an indescribable look, an expression created and meant for Tasuku only. Characters closer than rehearsal called for, like they were the only two people in the world. It was moments before Tasuku had leaned in and kissed his co–star on stage on opening night, going against the script and changing the rest of his life forever.

Tsumugi looked alive. Real, like he could’ve just had him forever right then and there. A tear dropped onto the glass, running down the frame before Tasuku covered his mouth with his free hand, falling down to his knees as he held the photo to his chest. He couldn’t help but cry, cry for all the years he had spent loving someone who just left. Being in love with a man who woke up and took everything with him, disappearing into thin air. All Tasuku had left of Tsumugi were the memories, and this single picture.

Tasuku exhaled, his breath coming out short and ragged as he stared at the picture again despite knowing every detail. He could feel everything: the intense heat of the stagelights upon them, the shocked stares of the cast and murmurs backstage, the overwhelming applause and standing ovation from the crowd after the scene. The way Tsumugi couldn’t let go of his hand, trembling under the sudden attention but never faltering.

Tasuku remembered how he stood in front of Tsumugi anytime someone questioned it, feeling his gentle touch at the base of his back for comfort. The endless lingering stares in practice, the unanswered questions about how this happened, the kiss on stage that was too real. How that night, Tsumugi pulled them into the apartment for more like he couldn’t wait anymore after all these years just to say, “I love you, Ta–chan”.

Tasuku’s tears streamed down his face silently, for once feeling the anguish and heartbreak his roles felt. The abandoned apartment was only Tasuku’s, like Tsumugi didn’t spend the last three years living with him. It was as if, Tsumugi never loved him.

Tasuku loved Tsumugi, so, so much.

IT’S ALL WINTER HERE, EVEN IN AUGUST

MY HEART IS RUNNING ON THE TIME

ALONE ON THE SNOWPIERCER

WANNA GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH, HOLDING YOUR HAND

Tasuku was gone, and it was all his fault.

Tsumugi gripped the ticket in his hand, staring down the luggage he hastily packed. It was nearly bursting at the seams as he fiddled with the buckles, making sure nothing could hold him back from leaving his home. Nothing could keep Tsumugi from staying, as he silenced his phone and pocketed it away, missing the tens of calls and hundreds of text messages from his one and only. Tsumugi knew if he even checked for a second, he’d come running back to the man he loved most only to fail him again.

Tsumugi leaned back in his seat in the waiting area, surrounded by few, none of whom recognized him. How could they, when he had given up on succeeding as an actor like a coward? Tsumugi pulled up the collar of his jacket, slouching into his coat to hide from the rest of the world. He didn’t deserve to show his face, not after everything he did to Tasuku.

Tasuku would’ve woken up by now to go on his morning run. Tsumugi was supposed to beg him not to go, wanting the warmth to stay in bed just a little longer. Tasuku was supposed to firmly say no, give a kiss on the cheek as compensation, but come back much sooner than expected with a pretty flower he picked for Tsumugi. Tsumugi would get up and put in a vase, and the two would share breakfast together like always. It was the same for the past three years, Tsumugi felt his stomach rumble, he wasn’t a fan of breaking routine.

Tsumugi stared at his ticket, luckily recognizing the location he picked. He had to go, to leave, to abandon everything he had here with Tasuku that he impulsively arrived at the station with nothing but a suitcase and hopes for amnesia. However, it could’ve helped if Tsumugi even knew where this town was in Japan exactly, where his new start would be. He just knew it was far enough, and Tasuku would never find him there.

Tsumugi couldn’t help but think of how Tasuku must have been doing. Was he okay? Did he just think Tsumugi was out doing random errands? They were low on eggs, that could’ve bought him some time. Yet, some part of him, some selfish, undeserving fraction of his heart, wanted Tasuku to be running to the train station and taking him home. Back into his arms and safe from every insecurity Tsumugi ever had, Tsumugi wanted to come home.

As Tsumugi stood up, clutching his luggage with him and turning towards the exit to apologize to his boyfriend, the automated voice overheard announced his train was leaving in five minutes. Tsumugi stopped, the crowd pushing against his direction as they all headed towards the train. Tsumugi slowly turned too, forcing himself towards the entrance as he looked back once. Tasuku wasn’t there, maybe he didn’t want him to come back.

Tsumugi entered the train and found his seat, refusing to look out of his window. If he did, he would’ve saw Tasuku sprinting down the train station corridors and missing the train that took off.

If only, Tsumugi closed his eyes and leaned his head against the window as he sat alone, he was enough for Tasuku.

But, he wasn’t. Not now.

WANNA PUT AN END TO THIS WINTER

HOW MUCH LONGING SHOULD WE SEE SNOWING DOWN, TO HAVE THE DAYS OF SPRING, FRIEND?

When Tasuku departed the train station, out of breath from his fastest mile time yet, it began to snow. God must’ve hated him, wanted him to suffer, because Tasuku dropped down onto a bench for cover and stared at the snowflakes. He thought about how Tsumugi would’ve reacted, knowing how much his lover adored the winter season.

It was when Tsumugi’s timid, shy voice would amplify when he discussed anything he loved (did Tsumugi ever do that when the topic approached Tasuku?). Tsumugi would excitedly rave about the Christmas lights decorating the mall plaza that illuminated every shadow on his face in a rainbow of colors, the peppermint candy cane in his hot chocolate with those tiny marshmallows Tasuku always found too sweet but pretended to like anyways, even the minature train set up for the little kids to ride on and the fake but enthusiastic Santa sitting on a throne (Tsumugi liked reminding everyone Tasuku believed in Santa until third grade, much to his embarrassment).

Most importantly, Tsumugi loved the snow. When the first snow came, Tsumugi dropped everything he was doing to run outside and take it all in. More than once, Tasuku had to follow his boyfriend and attempt to convince Tsumugi to come inside or else he’d get sick. But, when Tasuku saw the white snowflakes surrounded Tsumugi’s midnight blue hair like a halo, the youthful energy building in his wide, happy eyes, and the way Tsumugi’s cheeks were flushed just waiting to be adored, Tasuku would stay outside for his angel even if it meant nursing him back to health.

Tasuku reached his hand out, feeling the soft embrace of the snow upon his fingertips. Was this a sign Tsumugi was still with him? Or, was this the universe’s fucked–up way of telling him to move on? His hand started shaking again, Tasuku dropped it to his side, wondering if it was because the temperature dropped significantly or he was still experiencing the side–effects of an anxiety attack. Frustrated, Tasuku wiped the tears off his face as he took out his phone and tried again. It went straight to voicemail, and Tasuku blinked away the remaining tears as he looked up at the grey clouds.

“Hello~ This is Tsukioka Tsumugi, I’m so sorry for not responding! If you have a message, please share at this beep! Beep~”

Tasuku hung onto every word, pretending like Tsumugi was next to him admiring the snow with awe. But, he wasn’t, not now or not ever for the next few years. Tasuku shivered, steeling his face as he sadly stared at the snow, wishing it wasn’t winter.

“Look outside. It’s the first snow.” Tasuku simply stated before hanging up, standing up and leaving the station. Tasuku didn’t look back, there was nothing for him left anymore, not even Tsumugi.

The snow seemed to follow him home, Tasuku wondered if the snow would bring Tsumugi back to him. Back home, back to him.

LIKE THE TINY DUST FLOATING IN THE AIR

WILL I GET TO YOU FASTER, IF I WAS THE SNOW IN THE AIR?

Tsumugi woke up just a hour later, awaken by the train chugging along the icy tracks as the passengers murmured something about the cold. Blinking slowly, Tsumugi adjusted his eyes to the darkened sky as he watched the urban city transform into a rural, country landscape. Yet, no matter where he went, there was snow.

Sitting up, Tsumugi pressed his face against the glass as he giddily admired the first snow of the winter season. He turned to the empty seat next to him, a big smile on his tired face.

“Ta–chan, look—” Tsumugi started, before his voice faded off to silence. An awkward, sheepish laugh left his lips when Tsumugi noticed the train attendant was shooting odd glances at him, though he expected some reaction since Tsumugi was an adult talking to nothing. Tsumugi shuffled back to look through the window, but it wasn’t the same. When was the last time he had experienced the first snow alone? Tasuku was always with him, but not anymore.

The snow swirled like it was a graceful waltz, and Tsumugi fondly remembered him and Tasuku’s first dance. It was perhaps a year into living together as roommates, and it was much later than they had anticipated. The radio was on, classical music a low hum in the background as Tasuku and Tsumugi studied their new scripts. It was another college play and the two were meant to learn ballroom dancing for their roles.

Tsumugi remembered the way Tasuku’s large frame let Tsumugi rest his head comfortably on his chest, the way their hands perfectly fit together, how they swayed in their empty kitchen like they were married. Tsumugi faintly traced his lips, remembering how Tasuku was about to lean in when he looked down, but Tsumugi had laughed and pushed him away, talking about how Tasuku always got too serious and connected to his characters. He regretted it, he should’ve kissed Tasuku back then.

Tsumugi finally broke down, trying to keep in his sobs as he tried to focus on the snow. He curled into a fetal position on the seat, closing his jacket around his mouth as he slammed his eyes shut. He knew his sniffles couldn’t be heard over the train operating, so he cried underneath the first snow.

Tsumugi didn’t even kiss Tasuku before he left forever.

SNOWFLAKES FALL DOWN AND GET FARTHER AWAY LITTLE BY LITTLE

I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU

HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT AND HOW MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS DO I HAVE TO SPEND TO SEE YOU, TO MEET YOU

Tsumugi stepped into the snow. After thanking the train conductor and checking out, the quiet town was covered in snow by the time he arrrived. It was still early afternoon, the tall skyscrapers and bustling citylife were gone, it was quiet now. This would be his community for the rest of his life, just hours away from his home. He was about to become a new person, but, how could he when the snow followed wherever he was?

Tsumugi stood at the entrance, not blocking anyone’s way since no one was there to begin with. It was just him underneath the roof of the station, waiting by the route map for a bus. It should be here in the next thirty minutes, so Tsumugi leaned against the exterior with a sigh, his breath soldifying mid–air. It was cold, frozen almost and Tsumugi’s hands felt like ice from being outside. It was winter, after all.

Fidgeting, Tsumugi shifted back and forth as he tried to find something to look at other than the snow. But, the vast land stretched for miles, buried in white like a snow globe. There was nothing here, and Tsumugi was afraid there was nothing for him as well.

A buzz. It caught Tsumugi’s attention as he impulsively checked his phone despite his rule not to. The silence must’ve turned off after a certain amount of time, as Tsumugi scrolled through the notifications bar. Just some colleagues congratulating him on his move, and family members requesting postcards. That was it, Tsumugi was about to close out of the messages before he noticed a number he memorized near the voicemail section.

Tsumugi pressed speaker, putting the phone next to his ear as he heard the stomp of work boots against the snow. And then, a quiet shudder, like a breath he held in for too long. Tasuku spoke but it sounded far away, like he really wasn’t there anymore.

“Look outside. It’s the first snow.” The line ended and Tsumugi blinked, trying to keep his tears in but he was so exhausted. Tsumugi dropped down to sit against the wall, sobbing loudly with no one to hear him for miles. Tsumugi held the phone to his chest, replaying the voicemail over and over again just to hear the love of his life’s voice. The same as always, never–changing and serious like his life depended on it.

Tsumugi cried and cried under the first snow until his bus arrived, the driver staring at him with something of concern. Tsumugi pushed himself back up at the sound of the bus stopping and gripped his bag, heading up the stairs and trying to pay the fare respectfully. A single word wasn’t exchanged, but the driver simply shook his head and gestured for him to go sit anywhere he wanted.

Tsumugi was too tired to insist on paying, just numbly nodded and rested his head against the window.

He wondered if Tasuku was looking at the same sky as him right now.

PASSING BY THE EDGE OF COLD WINTER

UNTIL THE DAYS OF SPRING, UNTIL THE DAYS OF FLOWER BLOSSOMS

PLEASE STAY, PLEASE STAY THERE A LITTLE LONGER

Tasuku called Tsumugi every day until the number was changed. He had left voicemails updating Tsumugi of his day, his days that were all the same. Every time Tasuku tried to apologize, his pride couldn’t make him say sorry without sounding like he was being forced, so he didn’t. Tasuku didn’t insist Tsumugi to come home, only to stay safe and take his time.

Tasuku told Tsumugi about their favorite theatre holding another play, one which he would have gotten front row tickets for. About how strangely quiet it was, not having to keep a watering of plants schedule anymore, having to wake up and go to sleep alone, not knowing where Tsumugi was. Tasuku spoke more than he ever did back then, knowing if this was his only way to be in touch with Tsumugi, he was going to take it and run like hell.

It was mid–winter early morning, and Tasuku was running, phone against his ear as he instinctually nearly picked a flower to bring home. He stopped, slightly panting as he waited for Tsumugi’s typical voicemail, but it didn’t beep. Instead, it was an automated voice, informing him this number was currently inactive.

Tasuku realized, that number was one of the only things he had left of Tsumugi.

Tasuku hung up, in disbelief as he pocketed his phone. Did he even listen to his voicemails? Where was he? Why couldn’t he just answer? Tasuku was about to phone Tsumugi again just to make sure, but one look at his contact picture was enough to make him stop and put it away. He knew too much about Tsumugi, but he had never felt this confused about someone in his entire life. Was this, for the best? Why did he change his number? Was this a sign?

Perhaps, it was finally time to move on, as the snow fell around Tasuku.

IS IT YOU WHO CHANGED, OR IS IT ME?

I HATE THIS MOMENT, THIS TIME FLOWING BY

WE ARE CHANGED, YOU KNOW

JUST LIKE EVERYONE YOU KNOW

Tsumugi tried to moved on, forgetting all about his past as he buried himself in his work and need to just ignore his past. He regularly updated his family on his predicament, claiming it was his mid–life crisis despite being in his early twenties. None of them asked about Tasuku, it was like they knew what had happened between them. Tsumugi built himself a life on a lie, conversing well with co–workers but coming back to an empty apartment at the end of the day.

At night, that’s when Tsumugi thought about Tasuku the most. Laying in bed through the sleepless nights without any want to close his eyes. How could he when all Tsumugi could see was Tasuku, Tasuku who he left because he was scared. Tsumugi stared up at the ceiling, the moonlight coming in through his open window as the curtains swayed slightly in the wind. The room was blue, and so was Tsumugi.

Leaving wasn’t planned, but it wasn’t a quick decision, either. Tsumugi remembered it all, falling in love with his best friend which he wasn’t worthy of. It was the night before everything changed, the last argument they had together. It was late, so late Tsumugi couldn’t keep his eyes open without crying when Tasuku raised his voice. He knew he didn’t mean to, he knew that now.

But back then, Tsumugi was so scared and trembling and terrified of how big Tasuku was. How intense he was with everything he said, the unrelenting passion burning and fueling Tasuku to do everything he did. Tasuku was fire, uncontrollable, raging flames that over time, melted Tsumugi to be nothing but a weak form of who he used to be.

“Tsumugi, why do you always give up like this? You can’t quit, you can’t keep doing this!” Tasuku demanded an answer, slamming his fist down on the kitchen table as he stood up, making Tsumugi flinch in his usual seat. When Tsumugi had told Tasuku they needed to talk, he didn’t expect this. Not the burning anger in Tasuku’s eyes, like this was the ultimate betrayal: to quit acting.

“I... I’m so sorry, Ta–chan.” Tsumugi tried to smile, but his form was shaking. He was shivering despite waking up in the middle of the night in Tasuku’s arms. Tasuku scoffed, like this whole situation was unbelievable, like he didn’t even know who Tsumugi was.

“We—you promised we’d be acting on the same stage together, to be in the same troupe together, do you remember that?” Tasuku spoke, all the frustrations he hid inside him coming out and singing every corner of Tsumugi’s stability. Tsumugi nodded carefully, trying to hide his shaky hands underneath the table as he gripped the base of the chair. He couldn’t start crying, not right now, not in front of Tasuku.

“I know, but I can’t. Not anymore, not when I can’t be the actor you want me to be.” Tsumugi tried to reason, but Tasuku just became even angrier. Like, this was the worst possible thing he could have ever said to him. Tsumugi wanted to reach out and flatten the creases on Tasuku’s forehead, gently cup his face with his trembling hands just to show he still loved him. But when Tsumugi tried to move closer, Tasuku held his hand up, like he couldn’t bear being anywhere near Tsumugi.

“Why do you keep doing this? Why... when we’re happy together?” Tasuku asked, but even he sounded unsure. Was Tsumugi happy with this relationship? Was this why he was quitting? Tsumugi didn’t say anything, just stared at his lover in silence with the pain of a thousand lifetimes. As if, this was his breaking point. Like, acting was slowly killing him to the point he had to run away. Or was it their relationship that pushed Tsumugi away? Did it go too fast? Was it not enough?

“What does this mean for us?” Tsumugi finally choked out, clearing his throat at his voice crack towards the end. The clock ticked, onward and onward even though it felt like time stopped. Tasuku just shook his head and went back into the bathroom. Tsumugi knew, this was the end.

Before Tasuku went, he stopped at the entrance and looked at Tsumugi, with something of tiredness and love all at once. Like, there was still a chance. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow morning, okay?” Tasuku offered, not questioning a thing when Tsumugi nodded with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Tsumugi stayed in the kitchen, keeping in his sobs as he let the tears finally fall down his face. He didn’t know ending his career would feel like the end of his first and only relationship.

Tsumugi went into their shared bedroom after he composed himself, but had to hang onto the door frame when he saw Tasuku was sleeping again, just with dried tears on his pillow. Tsumugi couldn’t do this to Tasuku, not when he couldn’t be the best actor for his boyfriend.

So, Tsumugi just took the suitcase he packed beforehand in case worst came to worst, he didn’t expect to use it. Tsumugi quietly was about to leave the bedroom, but looked back, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and pretend like this break up never happened. He knew how much Tasuku must’ve been hurting, to have all these years acting together thrown away. Tsumugi couldn’t be selfish this time, not anymore, and left without another word.

Tsumugi always remembered it, how Tasuku cried himself to sleep because Tsumugi quit. That was all he could do, give up when it became too hot. That’s all he always did, nothing changed.

Tsumugi listened to the voicemails one last time, crying into his pillow as he heard the man he loved’s voice echo in his bedroom. He knew, he had to let go, to force Tasuku to move on. How could Tasuku love him after all this time, when he wasn’t the person he thought Tsumugi was? Which life was a lie, this one or the one where he acted on stage with Tasuku?

When Tsumugi changed his number, he didn’t look back. He had to move on, too, even if he was still in love with his best friend. Tsumugi would never see Tasuku again, knowing he was somewhere living his dream of acting was enough, that was more than enough. Tsumugi closed his eyes as the snow embraced him, falling delicately upon his eyelashes as a single tear dropped to the ground.

Tsumugi promised one day, he would see Tasuku on stage again.

YES I HATE YOU, YOU LEFT ME

BUT I NEVER STOPPED THINKING ABOUT YOU, NOT EVEN A DAY

HONESTLY I MISS YOU, BUT I’LL ERASE YOU

‘CAUSE IT HURTS LESS THAN TO BLAME YOU

Tasuku couldn’t move on. Not when he didn’t know where his boyfriend disappeared to, not when no one refused to tell him anything and lied their way out of the situation. It was as if everybody knew but Tasuku, as if he wasn’t that important to know to begin with. He couldn’t accept that Tsumugi was gone, that he was somewhere else out of his reach.

Recently, Tasuku started sleeping sooner just to dream of his face again. But it had been so long, that even small details he cherished were beginning to become blurry, faded even. It was better than nothing, pretending the love of his life was still here with him. Like he never left, like he had no reason to leave.

Why did he leave? Tasuku came home from practice and slammed the door that night, shaking the room as he entered. Without warning, glass shattered next to his feet as a picture frame fell. Tasuku picked it up with his bare hands, ignoring the sudden cut he got on his fingers as he gripped the frame tightly, staring at the picture with a sudden anger. Rage, undeniable, full–blown frustration that boiled ever since Tsumugi left. Something Tasuku had been avoiding to confront, something he didn’t want to do to avoid satisfying the demons.

But, Tasuku was so angry. Why did Tsumugi quit acting without telling him before the decision? Didn’t he trust him, why didn’t he trust him? Tasuku swore, kicking the pieces of glass to fly across the floor. What did he do wrong? Why wasn’t he worthy of Tsumugi’s love? Tasuku was shaking with rage, staring at Tsumugi’s photographed face and wondering if everything the angel convinced him of was a ploy, a fabricated web of lies that trapped him like a fool. Did Tsumugi even love him? Why did he lie about tomorrow morning? Why did he leave?

Why did he quit on them?

Tasuku shouted, releasing all the pent–up grief inside him as he threw the frame at the wall with a sickening thud, watching as it smashed even more. Why did he quit? Why, why, why? If only they talked the next morning, maybe Tasuku could’ve persuaded him to keep going, to stay with him, to not give up. Tasuku carefully went over to the photo, pulling out of the frame as he held it with both hands, sadly staring at Tsumugi. This was all he had left of him.

Tasuku tried to rip it in half, but his hands didn’t move. There was nothing he could have done, he couldn’t bring himself to break his heart even more. Tasuku let out a strangled sob, letting the picture flutter to the floor as he roughly pushed his own tears away, hating how tired he was from crying so much.

This was all he had left of Tsumugi, but maybe he didn’t want it anymore. Tasuku caught sight of the nightly snow. Maybe, he had to move on or else there would be nothing left for him.

Wherever Tsumugi was, it wasn’t with Tasuku, and that was the greatest betrayal of all.

I TRY TO EXHALE YOU IN PAIN, LIKE SMOKE, LIKE WHITE SMOKE

I SAY THAT I’LL ERASE YOU, BUT I CAN’T REALLY LET YOU GO YET

Tsumugi sat back row, farthest away from the stage years later. It was closing night for God Troupe, unforeseeably Tasuku’s last show for the troupe as Tsumugi watched with tears. Tasuku had grown so much, got even stronger and had the same stoic, serious persona as always. But his passion was even more electric, more intense, and more fiery all at once. It burned every time Tasuku immersed his entire soul in his character and it was like he wasn’t even himself anymore. Tsumugi almost didn’t recognize him, but his heart called out like it was still in love.

Tsumugi needed closure, just one last time he’d see his best friend. Although years had passed, Tsumugi still loved him and thought of Tasuku every time. He knew Tasuku didn’t feel the same, at least, not anymore. But, he promised himself that he would see Tasuku on stage again, Tsumugi couldn’t keep breaking his honor anymore, he had to keep this word. Tsumugi thought about his life, and how it was split between life before and after Tasuku, but no matter which stage he was at, Tasuku was always there.

Tasuku was always there, but not Tsumugi. Tsumugi left on his own accord, and to this day, he regretted it. As the show ended and Tasuku took a graceful bow towards the audience, Tsumugi gripped the bouquet of flowers in his hands as he shook, hiding behind the audience giving a standing ovation. There was no way in his right mind he could walk up and expect Tasuku to accept him back into his life, because that was unfair. To come back after all these years, not anymore, he had his wish fulfilled, now it was time to leave again.

Before Tsumugi could leave into the train station and disappear into the night, a flyer flew across the sky as it landed directly in front of Tsumugi’s feet. As he was about to board the train, Tsumugi picked it up and read the title, auditions for a threatre troupe named Mankai. He had seen their Autumn Troupe play, and it even made him want to step onto stage again. The doors were about to close, about to take Tsumugi away from Veludo Way and Tasuku forever. He didn’t know what possessed him to do so, but Tsumugi quickly departed and hurried out of the station. Auditions were tomorrow, something told him he had to be there.

Tsumugi stared at the white roses, feeling the thorns pierce his palm as he exhaled into the frigid air. It was about to be winter again, after all these years, he’d have his first snow under the same sky as Tasuku again.

Tsumugi couldn’t leave again, not now. Tsumugi wanted to be worthy of giving white roses to Tasuku.

YOU KNOW IT ALL, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND

THE MORNING WILL COME AGAIN, NO DARKNESS, NO SEASON IS ETERNAL

Practice was tense with everything left unsaid between the two leads. Tasuku and Tsumugi saw each other after a street act, and the rest was unexplained history. The moment Tsumugi saw his ex–boyfriend, he winced when Tasuku glared at him with all the hatred in the world. He knew he deserved it, but it didn’t hurt any less.

Nothing could have indicated Tasuku still loved him: every time Tsumugi walked into a room, he’d leave muttering about the burden he had to carry, when Tsumugi was talking, he looked like he wasn’t listening, sometimes when Tsumugi acted, Tasuku wasn’t even connected to his character and would just refuse to cooperate. It was hurting the play, Tsumugi didn’t know what to do as the leader of Winter Troupe but also as a lovesick liar in love with his best friend.

Tasuku was rightfully angry. He had been angry ever since he broke that picture frame, it was the official end of their relationship. Tasuku never thought he’d see Tsumugi’s face again on Veludo Way, not after missing each and every single one of his God Troupe shows. Here he was, claiming his place in Tasuku’s broken heart like he had never left. But, he did. Tsumugi did leave and abandon him to the city, giving no answers and only raising more questions after all these years. How could he come back after all he did? Tasuku was angry, but he didn’t know if he was spiteful towards what happened between them or scared that Tsumugi might run away again.

Every time Tsumugi acted, it was like they were back in college all over again. Tsumugi never changed despite his multiple years of being on break, his acting style was subdued and simple, subtle but honest, it carried more feeling than Tasuku could ever describe. They were opposites, Tasuku was not everflowing like water, he wasn’t adaptable and constant like a river bend, but crackling with energy and passion like a flame. Maybe, that’s why Tsumugi left, so he wouldn’t extinguish both of them.

When Tsumugi looked into his eyes at the practice room, Tasuku’s breath hitched in his throat as he didn’t pay attention to the script, staring back with nothing but coldness. Frigid like the winter Tsumugi loved so much, maybe if he was just as freezing and indifferent, Tsumugi would still love him.

“You’re my best friend—” Tsumugi started but Tasuku turned on his heel and left without warning, slamming the door behind him as he ran. Ran to wherever was far away from his best friend. He wanted it to be true so bad, but not when he could be abandoned again without mercy.

Tasuku didn’t want to leave, but he had to or else he’d want to stay forever with Tsumugi. If Tsumugi left this time, he didn’t know how he’d move on this time.

MAYBE IT’S CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND THIS WINTER WILL BE OVER

I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU

WAIT A LITTLE BIT, JUST A FEW MORE NIGHTS

I’LL BE THERE TO SEE YOU, I’LL GO THERE TO MEET YOU

I’LL COME FOR YOU

Tsumugi was gone, again.

When Tasuku woke up from a nightmare of their last fight again to an empty dorm, his heart nearly stopped as he scrambled out of bed, flipping Tsumugi’s duvet over to find nothing but wrinked sheets. He couldn’t have left, how dare he? Leave when he had Winter Troupe under his name, after years of not seeing each other, how could he—Tasuku looked towards the window and stopped, staring outside as the moonlight illuminated the cold night sky in Veludo Way.

It was the first snow of winter.

Tasuku knew what he had to do, old habits die hard, after all. Tasuku didn’t bother putting a coat on, just rushing outside leaving the door open as he ran to the courtyard, snow crunching underneath his feet as he paused at the edge. Tsumugi was standing still in his pajamas, that blue sweatshirt he kept with “Snowdrop” on it covering his shaking hands as his head was tilted back, staring at the snow with wonder and amazement. It was the happiest Tsumugi looked, and Tasuku’s heart simmered down a little bit as he carefully approached closer, like he was afraid of scaring him away forever.

Tsumugi snapped out of his trance when Tasuku covered his shoulders with a blanket, whipping his face towards the taller male with a surprised look, not realizing how close they were. Tasuku couldn’t move his hands from Tsumugi’s shoulders, he couldn’t look away from Tsumugi’s teary eyes as Tsumugi let out a forced laugh, the air around him freezing as it disappeared like smoke.

“Go inside, you’ll get sick before the play.” Tasuku ordered, but made no effort to pull him in. Tsumugi blinked, nodding as he focused on Tasuku’s eyes, he had so many questions he only imagined asking. Tsumugi couldn’t read a thing about Tasuku, it was like he was a stranger he would never see again. But under this snow, under the same sky, they were together again, and it was more than whatever Tsumugi deserved.

“Dance with me.” Tsumugi breathed out, guiding Tasuku’s hands to his waist as he took his hand, not knowing why he needed this so bad. Tasuku was about to object before Tsumugi placed his head on his shoulder, holding in the tears as he begged, “Please, just one last time”. Tasuku stiffly nodded, gripping his hand like he didn’t want to ever let go. It was silent, but the two swayed like they were back in their apartment kitchen, a year into university with nothing to worry about except being on stage together.

“Why’d you go outside?” Tasuku asked, gently spinning Tsumugi like he was made of glass. When he spun back into his arms, Tsumugi sadly smiled, like this was the warmest he’d ever feel again.

“I needed to know if you’d come for me.” Tsumugi whispered, afraid of breaking the moment as he gazed up at the man he was in love with. He had his answer, Tasuku would still follow him even if it meant freezing from the snow at midnight. Tsumugi knew it was selfish, but...

He wanted to be selfish, just one more time. When Tsumugi stood on his toes to inch forward, nervously trembling from what he was risking right now, Tasuku didn’t react. He didn’t move, just took Tsumugi in like he wasn’t going to get this ever again. Like, this was the final goodbye they were supposed to promise each other that next morning.

It was long overdue. Tasuku saw how Tsumugi was about to run away again, lean back and leave. Not again, not if he couldn’t help it. Tasuku closed the distance, as if making up for all the time they lost as they kissed under the first snow, knowing there was so much to be said but not having the heart to bring back the past. It was too much, too much that Tsumugi couldn’t help but pull him back when Tasuku was about to move. He was so selfish, he just wanted Tasuku in this moment even if it meant never communicating with him again, he was in love with a man he had hurt over and over again.

“Promise me,” Tasuku mumbled before their lips met again, staring into Tsumugi’s eyes with no familiarity whatsoever. It was like they were two completely different people who had no connection to each other, two strangers that would’ve walked by each other without a second glance. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow morning.”

This time, Tsumugi nodded without crossing his fingers, his hands wrapped around Tasuku’s neck as he pulled him back down, knowing they had tomorrow to talk. To heal, to mend, to fix whatever was damaged. If Tasuku would let him back, if he let Tsumugi prove he was different now, better now, worthy of any relationship Tasuku wanted.

They were different people now, but it was the first snow of a winter they finally had together after a long, long time.