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makeste · 4 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 306: the beginning of the WHAT

Previously on BnHA: Nana and the Gang were all, “hey Deku, we can read your thoughts and feelings so we should already know the answer to this, but for some reason we want to quiz you on whether or not you’d be down to kill Shigaraki Tomura.” Deku was all, “um okay, well tbh, probably not seeing as Saving People has been my entire thing since literally the start of the series.” The Vestiges were all, “yes that makes perfect sense and again we already knew that, but well, good for you buddy and I’m glad we had this talk. Anyway I guess we should ask these two cryptic fuckers in the corner to finally turn around now before we run out of -- ” and then the chapter ended. Because OF COURSE IT DID.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, WOULDN’T IT BE SO MUCH BETTER IF I GAVE YOU A CONFUSING CHAPTER WHERE EVERYONE FINALLY LEARNS ABOUT OFA, AND GOES BACK TO THE DORMS, AND THEN THE CHAPTER ENDS WITH DEPRESSED NOMAD DEKU STANDING ON A PRECIPICE WITH GRAN TORINO’S TATTERED CAPE FLOWING IN THE WIND.” Everyone is all, “???????????” Horikoshi is all, “also the parents are moving to the U.A. campus, and Jeanist’s neck is two and a half feet long, for everyone that was wondering.” Everyone is all, “WHERE ARE KACCHAN AND TODOROKI AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHO ARE THE SECOND AND THIRD USERS”, and Horikoshi is all, “:)” and fades away into nothingness like the fucking fae he is. Like a fucking imp who’s kept his end of the cursed bargain. What, the, fuck.

okay guys, so after the longest Thursday of my fucking life, during which I was secretly hoping that my spoiler containment net would be somehow be breached, inadvertently exposing me to theta spoiler radiation, so that I could be all “oh no... spoilers... there’s nothing I can do... I have no choice but to look” (which sadly did not happen), it is finally Friday and the chapter is finally out. so I’ve got my clown kit at the ready and other self-deprecating memes on standby, and I’m ready to go. and I should note that I’m also ready for Horikoshi to pull some absolute bullshit and be like, “oh you know what, we haven’t checked in with Rat Principal in a while have we” and spend the entire chapter on nonsense like that. I’M READY FOR FUCKING ANYTHING so bring it

(ETA: it would be nice if this man wouldn’t call my bluff every now and again.)

oh, right, we were due a color page! wow look at this

isn’t this supposed to be the future?? what’s with all of these staticky CRT TVs

anyway, so! is this the first time we’ve seen Tomura’s stylish finger prosthetic glove thingy in color?? because I didn’t expect it to be red. also, at some point you just have to give in and change your pants into cutoffs or something, Tomura. start a new trend of stylish villain capris

meanwhile Deku is dressed like he’s going on a journey into the desert to find a mystical oasis. actually this cape looks a lot like Gran Torino’s. I have to go back and see if Gran’s is all raggedy like this

(ETA: it wasn’t before but APPARENTLY IT IS NOW. I also forgot that Horikoshi had showed it sitting on a side table in the hospital a few chapters ago.)

lastly, AFO looks like someone’s thumb after they’ve been washing dishes for twenty minutes. you are just the ugliest dude in history, and as always, fuck you

HAHAHA SOB I KNEW IT

oh, Twowy McTwoface is finally starting to turn around? better CUT BACK TO DEKU’S HOSPITAL ROOM THEN. wouldn’t want to accidentally ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS or SOLVE ANY MYSTERIES, god forbid

well, whatever. whatever!! anyway so now someone’s knocking at the door. I say “someone” but we all know it’s Hawks

yep

they were actually standing outside the door for a while hoping they’d overhear another juicy plot conversation, but no such luck this time

lmaooo Jeanist wtf

acting all embarrassed, but you’re really just as curious as Hawks is. making him do all the dirty work for you huh

ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS AN INJUSTICE

so like two seconds after Katsuki gets dragged away you open the door for the rest of them!! well, fine!! I really want it to be a more private/personal moment between the two of them anyway so let the other kids check in on Deku first then

and in the meantime, time to see Hawks put the thumbscrews to All Might’s resolve lol

I wonder how much of it Hawks has already put together in the last five minutes. One for All is something connected to All for One that Tomura seems to want. Tomura was apparently targeting Deku. that’s more than enough to make a few deductions right there. I wonder how much Hawks knows about Deku’s quirk. he did watch the sports festival, and he ran into the kids interning under Endeavor that one time

okay well maybe he hasn’t put the rest of it together just yet, but Hawks is making a pretty reasonable pitch here to All Might

also this is a pretty spectacular view. is this a hospital or a hotel??

AHLKJLKJLKJ ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO TELL THEM

OH MY GOD HE IS?!?!

JUST LIKE WE ALL EXPECTED, THE NEXT TWO PEOPLE TO LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT OFA ARE GOING TO BE HAWKS, AND BEST FUCKING JEANIST

-- LFKLKKLDK ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. ARE YOU --

( •̀_•́ )

[sitting cross-legged on the ground pulling up little clumps of grass and letting them fall from my fingers one by one] yeah. sure. okay. fine. sure

-- OKAY, NO. NUH-UH. NO

everybody better hold tight cuz I’m about to pick up this whole chapter and yeet it into the ocean like a fucking frisbee lol

HORIKOSHI I DON’T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE SITTING HERE WATCHING TV WTF

-- OH

well okay then. proceed. though lord help me if they’re about to reveal the secret of OFA to the whole fucking world skdkj

oh snap

well, there it is. pretty much what I expected, but it’s good to actually get to see this moment with him taking responsibility

though at the same time, thank you Horikoshi for not forcing us to sit through the rest of that

their fucking faces omg. okay but seriously, what nation doesn’t secretly love a good scandal

the Endeavor Pamphlets, part two. thank you for giving the country something to opine about on twitter in these trying times, Enji

so now they’re asking about Hawks and Jeanist but I cannot even focus on anything all of a sudden because what?!

is Jeanist even a real actual human being you guys?! are we sure he’s not three kids sitting on each other’s shoulders?? are you related to that one guy with the really long neck from the Jedi Council?? are you Orochimaru, bro??

so now Hawks is apologizing for the murder of Twice, and for hiding the connection with his dad

the fact that he has to give this serious formal apology and beg forgiveness for the shameful crime of Having An Abusive Father is really something else, though. just. it’s realistic, but I still hate it

moving on now to the one thing he actually does owe the public an explanation for

not to go all “Hawks did nothing wrong” on you guys yet again, but seriously. 100% facts. fandom can (and no doubt will) debate this until the end of time, but if Twice had gotten away they wouldn’t be having this press conference right now because there wouldn’t be any heroes left to give one. anyways though, I’ve already said more than enough about that in previous posts

so now some severe-looking lady with the weirdest fingers I’ve ever seen is saying that her mother was injured during Machia’s rampage

and she’s basically all “a fuck lot of good ‘I’m sorry’ does us all about now.” true true

wow she’s really getting fired up

and now Enji is basically saying that he understands that an apology isn’t enough, and what they really need now are solutions. okay, well! SO THEN WHAT IS THE PLAN THEN

hmmfsdgh

this eloquent PEZ dispenser makes a good point you guys

wait, hold up

CERTAIN citizens?? um excuse me, what??

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit

holy shit. well, this will go over well

okay! so this tells me a number of things, though

basically the minute that Hawks learned about One for All, he realized that anyone connected to Deku (e.g. Inko) would be a target for AFO. AFO wants OFA, meaning AFO wants Deku, and one of the easiest ways to get to Deku would be to target his family

Hawks therefore realized that Inko needed to be placed into protective custody

but the fact that ALL of the hero course students’ families (and is it only the U.A. hero course, or all of the hero course students across the country?) are being given protection tells me that Hawks and co. don’t want to single Deku out as being important. so then it looks like they’re not going to tell everyone about OFA (or at least not the public. which, good). so rather than drawing suspicion by saying “we’ve got to protect everyone connected with this one kid”, they’re making it seem like all the U.A. kids’ families are getting this treatment

but since the heroes are now spread so thin, they can’t just send a protective detail to each and every family, so they’re bringing all of the families to the same place instead to better keep an eye on them

so that’s all well and good, and a very smart move. except that idk how all of this is going to go over with the general public, all of whom are probably feeling unsafe at the moment, and who will probably see this as preferential treatment -- basically just the heroes looking after their own and leaving everyone else to fend for themselves

(ETA: okay so @hanashimas’ translation clarifies that U.A. is offering their services as an evacuation shelter for everyone who wants it, not just the families of the U.A. students. that’s much more appropriate so I withdraw my previous “wtf” reaction lol.)

anyway though here’s Mitsuki and Inko

can we take this as confirmation that the two of them really are friends? that’s one piece of fanon that I’ve always hoped was true, so I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s confirmed

(ETA: also this means that Hagakure’s parents (or maybe “parents” in quotation marks) will supposedly be moving in as well. sure am curious as to how that’s going to go.)

now someone in the press crowd is asking whether U.A. can provide adequate security, which is honestly the LAST thing I expected these people would be outraged about lol. shows what I know I guess

(ETA: again though, this makes sense if the “certain civilians” thing was just a translation error.)

LMAO DAMMIT ENJI

YOU CAN’T JUST ALWAYS PULL THE “JUST WATCH ME” TRICK AND EXPECT IT TO SHUT DOWN THE CONVERSATION EVERY DAMN TIME YOU ASSHOLE

-- OH MY GOD RED ALERT

TIME TO ANALYZE THIS BECAUSE OMG

WASH CAN’T BELIEVE HIS FAMILY GROUP CHAT IS STILL SENDING HIM FUCKING MEMES AT A TIME LIKE THIS. HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THE DABI DANCE IS TRENDING ON TIKTOK, MOM!!

FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT MT. LADY WAS HOLDING MIDNIGHT’S TORN-UP MASK, AND BY THE TIME I REALIZED THAT’S ACTUALLY HER MASK AND NOT MIDNIGHT’S, I HAD ALREADY CONSTRUCTED AN ELABORATE HEADCANON IN WHICH MT. LADY AND MIDNIGHT WERE SECRETLY DATING BUT HADN’T COME OUT TO ANYONE YET, AND THEN TRAGEDY STRUCK, AND NOW MT. LADY IS GETTING READY TO SET OUT TO SEEK VENGEANCE. AND WELL, NOW THAT THIS HEADCANON EXISTS IN THE WORLD, I’M NOT SURE IF I’M READY TO GET RID OF IT

MIRKO HAS GOTTEN HERSELF A PROSTHETIC (ROBOT??!) ARM, NOTHING ELSE THAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS CHAPTER IS EVEN SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT!!! HELLO!!!!!

AIZAWA WITH THE EYEPATCH GOOD LORD. THE WORLD ISN’T READY. HE LOOKS LIKE HE HASN’T SLEPT IN NINETY-EIGHT YEARS, BUT SOMEHOW HE MAKES IT INTO THE HOTTEST THING EVER AS PER USUAL

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GUY. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HIM? IS THIS KAMUI?? WAS THAT THING WHICH I ALWAYS ASSUMED WAS HIS HAIR ACTUALLY A HELMET OR SOMETHING WHAT

LOL AND MEANWHILE

you tell me, Dabi! weren’t you the one who said that wouldn’t be enough to kill him? what even is your endgame here. I’m starting to worry about the villain brain cell supply you guys. I feel like Compress took most of them with him when he left

OH??

“when asked about One for All, Endeavor fucking lied through his teeth.” well, well, well

SLKDFJLSKGDJLKLKGJL THE DORMS

( ⁰ ⌂ ⁰ )

SLDKJFLKJWLKJLK

WLKDJSLKJFWKELKSDJLKHGLK

HDSMFLKGKL:GDSELK

OCHAKO’S HAND IS SHAKING OH MY GOD

THERE’S YOUR KAMINARI, EVERYONE!!

RHA’S SCANLATION TEAM REALLY THREW DEKU’S HANDWRITING UNDER THE BUS HERE HUH

HE TOLD EVERYONE!?

WHY THE FUCK IS HE WRITING IT AS A LETTER

(ETA: 9. also if he really wrote every kid in his class then that means the U.A. traitor -- or Hagakure as we like to call her around these parts -- also knows about OFA, and knows that Deku has run the fuck off and isn’t at U.A. anymore. so that’s just great!)

OH HELL NO

the hell does that mean, you must leave. leave to go where. son you are not up and leaving to go power up and lead us all into a timeskip. and I swear to GOD, if you left Kacchan too...!!

MY GOD I CAN’T PROPERLY ABSORB ALL OF THESE OCHAKO FEELS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M TOO TERRIFIED TO SCROLL TO THE LAST FUCKING PAGE, FUCK

I JUST GOTTA DO IT. I JUST GOTTA SUCK IT UP AND DO IT. FUCK

FUCK

WHAT. THE. FUCK

y’all I’m not even gonna waste your time with more keysmashing, JUST ASSUME THAT I AM DOING IT NONSTOP, FOREVER. and let’s just jump RIGHT IN HERE

okay so here I thought that All Might and co. had taken him away somewhere to train, but that is CLEARLY not what’s going on here. this kid is standing here in his Apocalypse Aesthetic hero costume which has CLEARLY seen better days, with Gran Torino’s cloak (GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THAT, THEN?? SO DID GRAN FUCKING DIE EXCUSE ME WTF), and a fucking backpack. this little green idiot has RUN AWAY FROM HOME. this is the absolute LAST THING ON EARTH I ever expected to happen so PARDON ME WHILE I SCREAM CONFUSEDLY INTO THE VOID

he does not look okay. you guys he doesn’t look okay at ALL. he has NEVER looked like this. this isn’t just a “I’m sad because I’m leaving all my friends behind” kind of look on his face, or even just a “Gran Torino died maybe and I’m still having emotions over it” look. this is an EXHAUSTED, dead look in his eyes. something terrible has happened

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARMS DEKU. THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING DOWN WITH YOUR ARMS GODDAMMIT

love how this random building is just straight up collapsing, like that’s just a normal thing that happens every day now. lovely

APRIL MEANS IT’S NOW FULL ON SCHEDULED ALL-MIGHT-DYING-HOURS, BUT LET’S COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT THOUGH BECAUSE FUCK THAT NOISE

“THE SECOND USER? WHO KNOWS? CERTAINLY NOT ME” HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD

“BAKUGOU? NEVER HEARD OF HIM!” HORIKOSHI PLEASE

WHERE. IS. KACCHAN

did he go with Deku?? did he get a chance to talk to him before he left?? did he get his own private letter which he read and then promptly blew up in a fit of panicked rage?? is he going to go after him?? DOES HORIKOSHI KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING TO ME RIGHT NOW?? OF COURSE HE DOES, DON’T BOTHER ANSWERING THAT

omg. though actually the fact that we’ve already jumped a few weeks forward makes me hopeful that there won’t actually be another timeskip, or at least not much of one. I’m sure that’ll be the big debate of the week, but I don’t think we can jump too far forward here. for starters because of that All Might prophecy I mentioned. and also because TomurAFO isn’t just going to wait around for months. and also because I’m 100% sure that Deku’s running-away backpack is just filled ENTIRELY WITH NOTEBOOKS and this asshole cannot possibly survive more than 3 days on his own. UNLESS SOMEONE COMES TO HELP HIM THAT IS. OR SOMEONES, EVEN. OMG. omg omg omg. fuck this chapter lmao

#bnha 306 #midoriya izuku #hawks (bnha)#takami keigo #endeavor #todoroki enji #best jeanist #all might #uraraka ochako #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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k-s-morgan · 5 years ago

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The Evolution of Will Graham’s Darkness

This meta is mostly written for new viewers who find themselves confused by Will as a character. I’ll incorporate some bits of analysis I’ve written before into it. Let’s start with a thesis of a sort: Will is a dark character who had this darkness from the very start, even before his encounter with Hannibal: he was terrified and disgusted with it, but after meeting Hannibal, slowly, he began to embrace himself, getting bolder and bolder in his violence.

**Before the show**

Will initially tried to get into the FBI but he didn’t pass the tests. It’s revealed in E1 of S1 when he’s ambushed by Beverly.

Beverly: Never been an F.B.I. Agent?

Will: Strict screening procedures.

Beverly: Detects instability. You’re unstable?

At the same time, Will became a police officer, working in the Homicide department. These decisions show that he's been stubbornly and rather hopelessly drawn to darkness, seeking ways to interact with it while remaining on the side of law. However, he had to leave the police, too, because he was incapable of pulling the trigger even when his life depended on it. He preferred to allow himself to get stabbed rather than to fight back and kill someone, which points to him having very serious issues with his violence. He knew that once the door in him opens, it might not close again, that if he kills or harms another person, he might be unable to stop (this is proven when he shoots Hobbs and then immediately tries to kill Stammets).

And still, Will chooses to stay close to darkness, only in safer ways. He becomes a teacher in the FBI Academy, letting himself delve into the ugliest cases from a theoretical perspective. This constant pull and struggle leave Will lonely and hostile to everyone. He avoids eye contact with people; Jack’s first impression of him was that he’s rude and arrogant (when they clashed about the name of the museum). Will is rude and haughty with his students, too – but more about it later. Alana refuses to stay alone in the room with him, thinking his instability is too fascinating and she might want to dissect it. Will has no friends; he lives in isolation with his dogs, someone who would never judge him. There are a lot of rumors about him going around, and most people don’t like him (based on Price’s and Zeller’s initial reactions as well as their later conversations on this topic). Will is lonely and pretty miserable.

The first real words we hear from Will are:

Will: Everyone has thought about killing someone.

It is very demonstrative of his personality. We also get evidence right here that Will is drawn to darkness primarily, not to the idea of saving lives (although the latter helps him feel better about his urges). He delves into the minds of killers even when he isn’t involved in the investigation. He had no other reason to explore the Marlows’ murder like he did at the start of the episode, when he was simply teaching students. It’s proof that he willingly craves contact with violent and disturbed minds �� it’s not like he actually tries to solve this case for real, he just imagined himself there.

Will’s first conversation with Hannibal speaks volumes about who he is — because Hannibal senses it seconds after meeting him.

Hannibal: Do you have trouble with taste?

Will: My thoughts are often not tasty.

Hannibal: Nor mine. No effective barriers.

Will: I make forts.

This exchange has Will confess that his thoughts are often dark and that he dislikes it. To hold this darkness at bay, he literally builds forts around it, not letting it spread to other parts of his mind.

Hannibal: Your values and decency are present yet shocked at your associations, appalled at your dreams. No forts in the bone arena of your skull for things you love.

Hannibal almost directly calls Will out on his struggle with his inner darkness. He’s saying that he sees it, that he knows it’s there, in Will, in his mind, and Will is very disturbed by this — because Hannibal is right. The script even explicitly backs it up:

Hannibal has just described Will Graham to a letter.

Will is immediately wary and hostile, and he ends the conversation with snappy,

Will: Please don’t psychoanalyze me. You won’t like me when I’m psychoanalyzed.

What does it mean? It’s simple: Will assumes that Hannibal is a typical psychiatrist who wants to dissect him, so he says that once it happens, Hannibal won’t like what he finds (darkness and ugliness Will carries inside).

His hostility to Hannibal lasts up until the moment when Hannibal acknowledges him as a predator and shows approval of it. This is how it happens: Hannibal tries to subtly tell him that it’s all right to be who he is, hinting that they are the same.

Hannibal: You and I are just alike. Problem free. Nothing about us to feel horrible about.

He’s obviously talking about their darkness, but Will doesn’t react, so Hannibal continues. He tells him that Jack views him as a fragile tea cup, and Will genuinely laughs, amused by this (which is also very telling). Then Hannibal says:

Hannibal: [I see you as the] mongoose I want under the house when the snakes slither by.

Will grows quiet after this, and then his interactions with Hannibal become much more relaxed. Will takes him to search the property and even bothers to explain how they reached their conclusions and what they are about to do. Him grumbling, “What are you smiling at?” shows a much higher level of familiarity they now share. Something in Hannibal’s words made Will open up a bit, and everything indicates that it’s the acknowledgement of his predatory nature that played its part in it.

Will kills Hobbs by shooting him 10 times. This is his first kill, one he’s been trying to avoid for so long, ever since his police work. It’s not surprising that Hobbs haunts him later because his death became a breaking point for Will. A door did open in him, and he was unable to close it again.

In E2, Will is distraught. But first, we get a glimpse into how rude and insensitive he generally is. Look at how he treats his students. He tersely thanks them for clapping and then snaps for them to stop. He devises a little malicious test for them.

Will: It’s [Hobbs’] resignation letter. Anybody see the clue?

A few hands go into the air. Will ignores them.

Will: There isn’t one.

He looks so long-suffering with them, as if they are idiots. The fact that he asks a question, waits for people to think and raise their hands, and only then he tells them there is actually no answer is petty at best. He also admits to Jack that he doesn’t consider lessons socialization because he doesn’t have to actually talk to students, he talks at them. Not good for a teacher or even for a person who works with other people like this.

But Will has more serious problems. He keeps imagining Hobbs, and after his messy kill, Jack becomes worried about him. He makes Will go visit Hannibal for one-time evaluation. Will is naturally not fond of the idea, but he and Hannibal have a pretty personal talk. Hannibal ends it with an even more explicit hint at Will’s own darkness:

Hannibal: And Will… the mirrors in your mind can reflect the best of yourself, not the worst of someone else.

Hannibal is talking about Will’s personal brand of violence again. He’s trying to tell him that it’s fine to be a murderer in every way he can, that Will’s darkness might be the best part of him. He also gives him a fake official approval to work in the field, showing that Will can trust him. But their obligatory session ends and Will leaves — only to return after he tries to kill Stammets and misses (their talk about it was cut from the episode but is echoed in the conversation below).

Hannibal: [You are here to] prove that sprig of zest you feel is from saving Abigail, not killing her dad.

Will: I didn't feel a sprig of zest when I shot Eldon Stammets.

Hannibal: You didn't kill Eldon Stammets.

Will: I thought about it. I'm still not entirely sure that wasn't my intention when pulling the trigger.

This is a huge evidence of Will struggling with his violence. It proves that he had it before becoming actively involved with Hannibal — all Hannibal did was recognize it and coax it to come to the surface. Will has always been like this, and after finally killing a person, he found himself unable to stop because he liked the feeling too much.

Hannibal: It wasn't the act of killing Hobbs that got you down, was it? Did you really feel so bad because killing him felt so good?*

Will: I liked killing Hobbs.

Hannibal is pleased to receive the confirmation of what he sensed in Will. Seeing that Will is terrified about his own confession, he comforts him.

Hannibal: Killing must feel good to God, too. He does it all the time, and are we not created in his image?

Let’s be honest, every sane person would have run for the hills after hearing this. Hannibal literally justifies the fact that Will liked murder by drawing a parallel with God. That’s such a narcissistic, serial killer thing to do, and yet Will welcomes it with open arms. He’s happy to find someone who doesn’t think he’s a monster — he’s relieved to be able to finally discuss his darkest impulses freely. This is the reason why Will started coming back to see Hannibal on a constant basis, to Jack’s surprise.

The next huge proof of Will’s ever-present darkness is found in E5 (actually, every episode has some bits, but I’ll cover only the major ones). The Angel Maker, a killer-of-the-week, has a unique gift of being able to see if a person is good or evil. First, Hannibal tries to tell Will that he doesn’t have to self-destruct because of his darkness like he’s been doing.

Hannibal: Angel Maker will be destroyed by what’s happening inside his head. You don’t have to be.

When Angel Maker dies, Will suddenly sees himself through his eyes. And he sees a demon. He sees himself as evil. It proves that Will’s darkness is inherent since he hasn’t done anything really bad at this point. It also proves that he’s perfectly aware of who he is and the darkness he has. He has the following conversation with the imagined Angel Maker.

Angel Maker: I see what you are.

Will: What do you see?

Angel Maker: Inside. I can bring it out of you.

Will: Not all the way out.

So, Will acknowledges that his darkness is rooted so deeply inside him, it can’t even be extracted fully. It’s an inseparable part of him.

Will is shown admiring the Ripper’s murders, calling them elegant and referring to them as art. Meanwhile, he’s trying to half-heartedly flirt with Alana, but they don’t have a meaningful connection because Will can’t be happy with a person who doesn’t know him. He wants to be normal but he just isn’t. If you’re interested in my opinion about their relationship, it’s here.

Will’s next morally gray action happens when he agrees to cover murder for Hannibal and Abigail in E9. He agrees quickly and then he’s shown being fiercely devoted to it. He doesn’t seem to care that Abigail killed someone much — in fact, he basically threatens Freddie, another person who sees him for who he is, to make her write a book favorable toward Abigail.

In E13, Hannibal says what he wants from Will directly.

Hannibal: If you followed the urges you kept down for so long, cultivated them as the inspirations they are, you’d become someone other than yourself.

Will remembers this phrase (he later throws it back into Hannibal’s face), but for now, he’s too angry and bitter to listen.

Will is healthy again and he struggles with realization that Hannibal betrayed him. He starts a dark game of his own: he pretends he’s vulnerable, moving Alana to tears in the process, and asks Hannibal for help. He’s still drawn to him, but he also wants to take him down — for himself and for Abigail.

In E1, Hannibal tells Will the purpose of all their past meetings, how they were aimed at helping Will Become.

Hannibal: Our conversations, Will, were only ever about you opening your eyes to the truth of who you are.

Alana tries to hypnotize Will to help him remember what happened.

Alana: Imagine yourself in a safe and relaxing place... safe and secure here, safe to relax completely...

What does Will imagine? He sees Hannibal’s room and them sitting at the murder table together. He’s freaked out by it, but it proves how twisted his perception is: regardless of the betrayal, a part of him understands that Hannibal is the only person who’s ready to accept him, and he feels safe with him. @bloodsmile wrote a great meta about it here.

Will coldly manipulates Beverly, refusing to help her save lives unless she helps him as well. In E5, he engages in yet another manipulation. He gets Matthew Brown to try to kill Hannibal. This is the first premeditated murder attempt Will is responsible for. That is why we see him growing horns, that is why he sees a sink full of blood — his darkness starts progressing in noticeable ways. By E7, Will has figured out that Hannibal really did everything to open his eyes to the truth of who he is and that he wants to be his friend, but as he still wants revenge, he decides to honey-trap him with Jack.

In E8, Will is dealing with his complex feelings for Hannibal and explores his darkness further. He admits that Hannibal made him feel less alone and that he doesn’t hate him, no matter what; that he has no idea what he feels for him. Then Will tries to kill Ingram in cold blood as revenge for Peter. He asks him to pick up the hammer, indicating that he plans for the murder to look like self-defense. Hannibal tries to talk him out of it, but Will still pulls the trigger. It’s by a miraculous accident that Hannibal manages to stop him. This is the second conscious murder attempt by Will.

In E9, Will has a dream about Hannibal, love, and darkness.

Dream Hannibal: Must I denounce myself as a monster while you still refuse to see the one growing inside you?

Meaning: Will is fully aware of both the presence of this monster inside him and his attempts to ignore it since this is his dream.

Dream Hannibal: No one can be fully aware of another human being unless we love them. By that love we see potential in our beloved. Through that love we allow our beloved to see their potential. Expressing that love, our beloved's potential comes true.

So, a part of Will realizes that Hannibal loves him, and that he really wants him to Become, to realize all his potential.

Will is shown as feeling bitter at Hannibal for not letting him kill Ingram.

Will: I regret what I did in the stables.

Hannibal (thinking Will means murder attempt): Then you were lucky I was there.

Will: Being lucky isn't the same as making a mistake. Mistake was allowing you to stop me.

Hannibal: So it’s not pulling the trigger that you regret. It’s not pulling it effectively.

Will: That would be more accurate.

Hannibal: I want you to close your eyes, Will, and imagine a version of events you wouldn't have regretted.

Will obeys, and he sees himself murdering Ingram. It proves that every word he says to Hannibal is true — he really does regret not killing him. But there is an even creepier dialogue ahead.

Hannibal: What did you see?

Will: A missed opportunity… to feel like I felt when I killed Garret Jacob Hobbs. To feel like I felt when I thought I killed you … a quiet sense of power.

This is disturbing. It proves once again that Will isn’t just a righteous killer, he enjoys the act of murder itself, and like many serial killers, he craves the feeling of power that comes with it.

He and Hannibal talk about the intimacy of murder, how Will was hiding behind a gun when he tried to kill Hannibal back in E5. Will takes note of it. Hannibal, remembering Will’s complaint about a missed opportunity, sends Randall to him as a gift. When Randall breaks into Will’s house, Will is shown thinking and then deliberately throwing the gun away. He doesn’t want to hide this time — he attacks Randall with his bare hands. This isn’t about self-defense or justice, this is about Will trying to experience a more intimate kind of murder. He beats Randall up until he’s incapacitated and then he snaps his neck, even though there was no reason to do it. He could easily call Jack and have Randall arrested at this point (since he was barely conscious and not fighting back). This could help him in his plan to catch Hannibal. But Will isn’t particularly concerned about it, he’s more interested in realizing his darkness.

He takes the body to Hannibal. This moment got deleted, but Will actually had to stick a note to it:

A piece of paper is pinned to his chest. On it is written: "Return to Sender."

Which excellently shows Will’s dark humor. He laughs with Hannibal a little as they talk about murder right above the corpse. Then Hannibal is treating his hands, and he says:

Hannibal: Stay with me.

Will: Where else would I go?

Nowhere — because Will understands that Hannibal is the only person who can understand his darkness and accept him for who he is.

Will: I've never felt more alive than when I was killing him.

This is, once again, huge. Will is a murderer who can get dangerously high on the act. The moment when he felt most alive is the moment when he took a life from another person — and he was vicious about it. Will is very, very dark in these scenes — and it’s going to get worse.

Will mutilates the body and places it in the museum. He keeps Randall’s suit in his house as a trophy, and he keeps his butchered parts of meat in his fridge. In the following discussion, Will confirms that he enjoyed doing all that. When Hannibal suggests that Randall’s killer felt disdain for him in front of Jack, Will disagrees.

Will: He isn't mocking him. This isn't disdain. He's commemorating him.

Hannibal: This killer has no fear for the consequences of what he's done.

Will: No guilt.

Then Will retreats into his mind to talk to Randall’s corpse.

Will: Hello again.

Randall: Come closer … Can you see you?

Will: Clearer and clearer.

This proves Will’s honesty in all his discussions with Hannibal. He really is exploring his violence, not just pretending to do it, coming to the realization of what kind of monster he is.

Will: You forced me to kill you.

Randall: I didn't force you to enjoy it.

This takes place in Will’s head, so every word is genuine.

Will: I gave you what you want. This is who you are. What you feel finally matches the reality of what I see.

Randall: This is my becoming. And yours.

Will shakes his head, this is not his becoming.

Will: This is my design.

So, what do we have here? Will calls murder, mutilation, and storage of Randall’s meat his design. It’s not his Becoming, not yet, Will isn’t ready to fully embrace himself, but this is a start. He understands his design now.

In the same E10, Will attacks Freddie when she discovered his trophies. We know he didn’t kill her, but would he have done it if she hadn’t called Jack? We can only guess. Will sure took his chance to be creepy and physically violent with her. At the end of the episode, he brought Randall’s meat to Hannibal and they cooked as well as ate it together. This was not about getting Hannibal to trust him. Hannibal already did, especially after thinking Will killed Freddie, so there was simply no need for it. Bryan Fuller confirmed Jack had no idea this happened, so Will was acting on his own, out of his genuine curiosity. This is where he willingly became a cannibal.

In E11, Will dreams of burning fake Freddie and hears himself screaming. It’s easy to interpret this dream: he feels guilty for betraying Hannibal. Alana comes by and Will is being deliberately creepy again. He gives her a gun for protection, but later, it almost becomes her undoing. Will is equally creepy during the funeral. He enjoys being dark, and he feels free to act like this because technically, he has an excuse.

In E12, Will is freshly angry at Hannibal. He fantasizes about murdering Hannibal in the most violent way possible. Then he makes three deals. The first one is with Mason: they agree to kill Hannibal together. The second one is with Hannibal: they tentatively agree to target Mason together. The third one is with Jack: they agree that when Hannibal tries to kill Mason, Will is going to arrest him. Will goes with his and Mason’s plan at first. Hannibal is kidnapped and presented in front of Will just like in his fantasy. But instead of acting on it, Will chooses Hannibal and frees him, getting all Mason’s people killed in the process. Later, he watches Hannibal mutilate Mason, approach him to kill him, and snap his neck. He does nothing: he ignores his deal with Jack completely and covers for Hannibal. Yet another proof that Will is siding with Hannibal more and more, and that his initial honey-trapping plan is almost a formality at this point. At the end of the episode, Will offers Hannibal to kill Jack.

In E13, Hannibal and Will are getting ready to kill Jack while Will and Jack are getting ready to arrest Hannibal. Will doesn’t seem to know on whose side he is until the end. At the same time, he lies to Jack about where the attack is supposed to take place. He helps Hannibal burn all evidence, even though he could have easily preserved some of it to use it later. He burns the evidence related to himself as well. Will doesn’t take Hannibal’s chance to run away before dinner, but he does hesitate and wonder about it. When the final moment comes, he calls Hannibal to warn him — he chooses him above everyone. Justice for Abigail, justice for himself, the desire to save other people — none of it matters to Will now. He made his choice, he chose his side, but he did it too late. When he goes to Hannibal’s house, Alana tells him that Jack is still inside, and Will takes out his gun. He doesn’t even try to point it at Hannibal. When Hannibal accuses him of lying, Will implies that he’s wrong.

Hannibal: I gave you a rare gift… But you didn't want it.

Will isn't so definitive.

Will: Didn't I?

Because yes, Will wanted it. He was ready to accept it. But he did so too late.

Will’s thoughts are only about Hannibal and Abigail. He breaks into Hannibal’s empty house and sits there in silence. When Alana comes to find him and tries to talk to him, he coldly sends her away. He’s repairing a boat to go after Hannibal. When Jack comes to him to ask about his motivations, Will is very open — he doesn’t care about hiding any more.

Jack: Do you remember when you decided to call Hannibal?

Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice.

Jack: You told him we knew.

Will: I told him to leave. Because I wanted him to run.

Jack: Why?

Will: Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.

In Italy, Will is full of regret over his actions. He blames himself for what happened, admonishes himself for lying to Hannibal. E2 shows his state of mind perfectly – Hannibal is his everything and he admits he wants to be with him. He doesn’t care about justice at all.

Will: I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left [me] his broken heart. He misses [me]. [I] still want to go to him? Yes.

He admires the corpse twisted into a heart, touching it and then lying at the place where it was located. He intimidates Pazzi who tries to talk sense into him and indicates that he’s not here to catch Hannibal.

Will: You couldn't catch him when he was just a kid, what makes you think you're going to catch him now?

Pazzi: You.

A small, polite scoff from Will, unable to take his eyes off the small stairwell to the catacombs.

Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?

Later:

Will: You shouldn't be down here alone.

Pazzi: I’m not alone. I'm with you.

Will: You don’t know whose side I’m on.

Pazzi stares at Will, cautious.

Pazzi: What are you going to do when you find him? Your Il Mostro?

Will: I'm curious about that myself.

Pazzi: You're already dead, aren't you?

Other people realize how dark Will is, too.

Then we move toward Will’s trip to Lithuania in E3. His reverent attitude to Hannibal begins to change once he meets Chiyoh, but he admits the following:

Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.

Will learns that Chiyoh has been staying here for all these years because she doesn’t want to kill another person. He notes that they can’t be sure whether her prisoner really killed Mischa because Hannibal is the only person who knows the truth. Despite all this, Will sets Chiyoh up to kill or be killed, releasing her prisoner secretly. Chiyoh rightfully accuses him of it:

Chiyoh: You said Hannibal was curious if I would kill. You were curious, too.

He was, if he is honest with himself.

What Will did was cruel and violent. Hannibal just left Chiyoh be, he openly and boldly risked her life, not caring about her safety or about whether her tortured prisoner deserves this. Will stays behind to make the body into art in Hannibal’s style, in accordance with his own design from when he killed Randall. This Will is dark and confident, and very in touch with his dark side. He dreams of killing Chiyoh and keeps asking her whether she saw what a monster she was, unable to accept the idea that only he has real darkness while Chiyoh doesn’t and that murder didn’t make her feel good. He repeats to Jack that a part of him will always want to be with Hannibal. Sadly, he then sees Bedelia as his replacement, grows even bitterer, and tries to attack Hannibal with the knife.

In E7, Will bites into Cordell’s cheek and tears a piece of meat out of it. Then he looks at Hannibal to see his reaction, waiting for his pride. He shows zero reaction to the news that Jack is alive — he doesn’t care about it. He rebukes Alana and shows that he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, referring to them as “we”.

Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.

Alana: I helped Mason find Hannibal. We followed Bâtard-Montrachet when we should have just followed you.

Will: Almost as ugly as what Mason wants to do to us is the fact that he can do it with the tacit agreement of people sworn to uphold the law.

Alana: I was trying to get to Hannibal before you. I knew you couldn't stop yourself. So I had to try.

Will: By facilitating torture and death.

Alana: I can abide the thought of Hannibal tortured, not necessarily to death. I'd say he has it coming, wouldn't you? Or maybe you wouldn't.

Alana can no longer deny Will’s twisted morals. Will tries to push Alana to a darker side, manipulating her into releasing Hannibal, by telling her almost exactly what he and Hannibal were discussing in S2.

Will: Then you have to evolve, Alana. You have to spill blood. By your own hand or someone else's.

After the escape, Hannibal says the words that define Will perfectly:

Hannibal: You delight in wickedness and then berate yourself for the delight.

This is exactly what Will does — he acts on his darkness again and again, but then he gets scared and makes two steps back. He’s not ready to fully let go of the idea of a normal life yet.

Will sends Hannibal away. When Jack arrives, Will doesn’t even bother to pretend he tried to arrest him — he just says that Hannibal is gone. Jack clearly has zero trust in him at this point since he sends people to break into Will’s house without asking his permission. Will has completely discredited himself, proving himself as someone dark and twisted.

But Hannibal gives himself up and 3 years pass. After the epic Europe failure and his new insecurities, Will tries to retreat again. He decides to try being normal one more time, despite his previous failures at suppressing his darkness and his feelings for Hannibal. So he marries Molly, and it goes as well as expected. Their relationship is shown as weak from the start. The first time we see them, they are apart: Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is what Will loves and dreamed of sharing with Abigail, yet he stays behind. He didn't let go of the past. He subtly manipulates Jack into talking Molly into urging him to come join the investigation — he deliberately leaves them alone under a weak excuse, knowing very well what Jack is about to do. Will is bored with his normal life and he misses Hannibal, even if he isn’t ready to fully admit it yet.

His treatment of Molly deserves a separate mention: this is the woman he lies to through his teeth, the woman whose “I love you” he doesn’t bother to return and who he doesn’t want to interact with the second she raises the topic he finds personally uncomfortable, someone he leaves her at the first opportunity. He never told her the truth about himself. The way Molly tries to joke about him having a criminal mind proves that she knows nothing of Will's dark struggles, and the way Will immediately shuts down demonstrates their incompatibility and his unwillingness to be honest and open with her.

On the very first day, Will demands to see Hannibal, lying about having to restore his mindset. We know it’s a lie because we’ve just seen him reconstruct Francis’ murder perfectly. He just wanted to see him because he missed him, and both Hannibal and later Bedelia call him out on it.

E9:

Hannibal: You just came here to look at me. Came to get the old scent again. Why don't you just smell yourself?

E10:

Bedelia: Have you been to see him?

Will: Yes.

Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?

This is what Hannibal says about Will’s marriage — and another reference to his darkness:

Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter – (off his look) – a stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can’t pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.

This is very accurate and Will doesn’t bother to deny it. He’s more concerned about stalking Bedelia and asking her about her relationship with Hannibal than anything else. He makes zero efforts to preserve his family, which shows how irrelevant they are to him. This makes him a very cold and cruel person. Also, the way he acts with Bedelia is very different from how he acts with others. With her, he can be himself. He’s dark, relatively confident, and dangerous — which is likely why he keeps coming back to her. With others, he still puts on a rather meek mask.

There is quite a solid idea that a part of Will knew Hannibal might target Molly and Walter and send Francis after them (it’s up to interpretation, though). Hannibal gives Will very clear hints.

Will: Tell me who [the killer] is.

Hannibal: I don’t know who he is. When you close your eyes, Will... is that your family you see?

[Will scoffs at this.]

Will: Do you know who they are?

Hannibal: Yes.

Will: And you're willing to let them die.

Hannibal: They're not my family, Will. And I'm not letting them die. You are.

These are huge hints, and since Will is supposed to be an excellent profiler — more than that, a profiler who understands Hannibal intimately, it’s strange that he didn’t even suspect anything. Maybe a part of him subconsciously wanted proof that Hannibal is in love with him — since he goes to Bedelia with his question right after the attack. Maybe he wanted reassurance that the passion is still there. Maybe he even wanted an excuse to abandon Molly and Walter (and he does it very easily an episode later).

Ultimately, Will seems genuinely infuriated by the attack, but it’s possible that “the enemy inside him” secretly hoped for such outcome. He spends about a minute being truly angry at Hannibal — then he becomes concerned that he’s competing with Francis for Hannibal’s attention, which underlines the irrelevance of his family to him once more. When talking to Walter, Will doesn’t try to hug him or actually comfort him. They are like strangers, and Will shows resentment about having to explain some facts about himself to Walter later.

Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.

Not “to my son”, but an indifferent and impersonal “11 year old”. Another reminder that Will is a cold person.

This attack made Will realize Hannibal is in love with him, and it finally started the process of his Becoming. Will is shown as full of resentment toward Jack and Alana. He callously sets up Chilton, an innocent person, for torture and death in E12. He explicitly says that he did it deliberately and doesn’t regret it.

Will: Damn if I'll feel … The divine punishment of the sinner mirrors the sin being punished. Chilton languished unrecognized until Hannibal the Cannibal. He wanted the world to know his face.

Bedelia: Now he doesn't have one.

At first, Will makes a half-hearted attempt at denial.

Will: I put my hand on his shoulder for authenticity.

Bedelia: To establish he really told you those insults about the Dragon? Or had you wanted to put Dr. Chilton at risk? Just a little?

Will: I wonder.

Bedelia: Do you really have to wonder?

Will: No.

Bedelia: You were curious what would happen, that's apparent. Is this what you expected?

Will sounds very ironic.

Will: I can't say I'm surprised.

Bedelia: Then you may as well have struck the match. That's participation. Hannibal Lecter does indeed have agency in the world. He has you.

Considering the timing, Chilton looks like Will’s courtship gift to Hannibal. This is the second time Will harms an innocent person, which makes him far darker than a righteous killer should be. And why? Just because. His darkness is really evolving.

When Will visits Chilton with Jack, he openly lies to him (Jack) and tells him Hannibal is responsible for what happened.

In E13, Will stages another deadly game. He plots with Francis to break Hannibal free — the immediacy of his plan makes it look like Will has already been thinking about it before. He lies to Jack and Alana. He hides the fact that Francis is alive from them, and when they discover it by themselves, he offers a plan: to use Hannibal as a bait and stage his escape. Jack begins to plan everything. If Will had actually followed this plan, it would have gotten Hannibal and Francis killed. But Will doesn’t care about justice — he wants Hannibal free and he doesn’t give a damn about the consequences. He shares his true intentions with Bedelia and threatens her.

Will: I don't intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.

Bedelia studies Will. Sensing where he might be going. Hoping she is wrong. A flicker of alarm plays in her eyes.

Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?

Will: I guess… this is my Becoming . I'd pack my bags if I were you, Bedelia. Meat's back on the menu … Ready or not… here he comes.

This is a crucial moment because while in S2, Will called Randall’s murder his design, now he’s finally Becoming. It’s the climax of everything. He leaks info about Hannibal’s transfer to Francis (who, if you recall, has attacked Will’s wife and her son). He gets many officers murdered by proxy; he sets up Jack and destroys him professionally again; he endangers Alana and her family as well as Molly and Walter. Without showing even an ounce of regret toward the dead officers, Will climbs out of the car. We don’t get to see it, but this is what he does according to the script:

Will takes the gun off the dead cop.

Still with no care, he watches how Hannibal throws another body out of the car and offers Will to take a seat. Will looks long-suffering and fond, even though he has just gotten about 5 people killed. He goes with Hannibal.

In the cliff house, he admits he’s not sure if he can “save” himself by killing Hannibal.

Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.

He intends to try, though, but when Francis attacks, Will naturally chooses Hannibal because he can’t see him killed. He reaches for his gun and the fight begins. Seeing Francis strangling Hannibal, Will pulls out the knife from his body and rushes to protect him. He and Hannibal kill Francis together, and Will plunges the knife into him with obvious relish. Then he admires the way the blood looks on his hand.

Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.

This is proof of how Will remembers everything Hannibal has ever said to him. He reaches out to embrace Hannibal, finally allowing himself this weakness, finally accepting that this is who he is and that there is no way back.

Hannibal: See? This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.

Will: It’s beautiful.

These words have a tremendous worth. Hannibal’s dream for them, the one he has been hoping for since early S1, has just become realized, and Will found it beautiful. The script confirms it additionally:

A moment as Will considers the brutal pack hunting he shared with Hannibal Lecter. He genuinely feels it is beautiful.

Upon this realization, Will gives the fate the last chance to stop himself and Hannibal, knowing that if they live, they’ll unleash their mutual darkness on the world. He pushes them off the cliff that has been confirmed to have no rocks by Hannibal, giving them a chance to survive. And they do — and they stay together and hunt. Will threatened Bedelia with being eaten and he kept his promise. The deleted epilogue to the series shows him and Hannibal in perfect harmony with each other.

Note that this is far from the only moments and details of Will’s long Becoming. There are many more, but if I addressed them, this meta would be even longer. However, here’s a quick analysis of Will’s softer sides — because they also aren’t as simple as it might seem at first. Will seems to sympathize only with people he can relate to personally, who remind him of himself in some way, and most often, they are murderers. He’s bitter about not being able to save killer-children in E4 because like them, he struggles with understanding what family means; he feels close to Georgia because he also thinks he’s losing his mind and no one can understand him; he’s gentle with Peter because he sees him as his fragile mirror; he’s soft with Reba because like Bryan said, they are both people in love with serial killers. With everyone else, Will is indifferent or cold. These traits were less visible in S1, but after he started to Become, they began to come to the surface. His softer sides still have a degree of selfishness to them.

So, Will has always had darkness in him. He has always been a rather cold person despite his genuine struggles, confusion, and the desire to be normal. Hannibal changed his life, helping him embrace himself and find unconditional love and acceptance. Will’s journey was very long, it had many setbacks, but in the end, he made it. They both did, and now they are free to enjoy their new life together.

Tagging some old fans who might be interested! @typicalher @hannibalized @bloodsmile @victorineb @he-s-dead-jim

#hannibal #hannigram #hannibal lecter #will graham #becoming

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littlestarofthewest · 4 years ago

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Title: Unexpected Bargain | Word Count: 4249 | Rating: Explicit (18+!!!)

Pairing: Arthur x chubby female reader | Tags: modern AU

You're pulling up your jeans, wiggling around until they sit high enough to stay where they're supposed to. Then you raid your closet for a shirt, something that doesn't scream hobo but is still comfortable enough. You're going clothes shopping with Tilly, a feat that might take forever, considering that most shops don't have customers with your full figure in mind. It's better to be prepared for anything.

There's a sharp knock on the door, and you hurry to open it, shirt in hand.

"Hey, what do you think-?" you start, sure to have Tilly in front of you. Instead, it's the one person that you most definitely don't want to show your oldest, ugliest bra. "Arthur?!"

"Morning," Arthur says with a smile, the one word enough to have your stomach do a little flip.

Without thinking, you shut the door in his face and put on your shirt in record time before you open it again.

"Um, sorry about that," you mumble, hoping that you don't sound as out of breath as you feel. "I thought you were Tilly."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"Oh no, it's not that. I've just been waiting for her."

You feel awful, but Arthur smiles. "I know, that's actually why I'm here. Tilly sent me. Coffee?"

Arthur holds a cup out to you, and you take it without thinking, still confused. "Why would Tilly send you?"

"Seems like Hosea's sick, so she takes care of him and the store, but she didn't want to keep you hanging," Arthur explains. "So, I'm here, ready to drive you wherever you want to go."

"Oh, that's really not necessary; I can wait for another time."

Arthur shakes his head and puts his hand on his hip for a bad Tilly impression.

"You don't let that girl go home before she has at least one new dress," he says in a higher-pitched voice before falling back into his deep register. "I'm afraid that's not negotiable."

The idea of spending time with Arthur already knocks the wind out of you, but clothes shopping of all things is not what you ever imagined doing with him. It's bad enough when you whine in front of Tilly when you can't get the buttons of some jeans closed, or a top makes you look like a roll roast. You definitely don't look your best while trying on clothes.

"Let me get ready then," you say, unable to think of a way to refuse Arthur. After all, Tilly would have both your heads.

You put on some comfortable shoes and grab your bag before heading to Arthur's car with him. He opens the door for you, and you have to hold in a sigh. If Arthur plans on being a perfect gentleman the whole day, you're going to lose your mind.

When Arthur gets in the driver's seat, you finally take a sip from your coffee, unable to hold in a satisfied moan.

"Good?" Arthur asks, and you nod.

"Perfect."

"Great," Arthur says with one of his glorious smiles. "Then I remembered it right."

You take another sip, or otherwise, you might ask him to marry you right there.

-------

As per Tilly's orders, Arthur drives you to an outlet store a few miles out of town. They have a great range of styles and sizes, and while you might have to do a little digging, you have a good chance of actually finding something nice.

Inside, you're not quite sure where to start, especially with Arthur in tow, but he has an idea.

"Give me your bag then," he says, holding out his hand.

"What?"

"That's what I do, right? Hold your bag while you look around?"

You can't help but laugh. "Going right for the stereotype, huh?"

"I'm just not much help otherwise," Arthur says, pointing to himself. "I dress, so I don't get arrested."

You roll your eyes but hand Arthur your bag, trying very hard not to think about him running around naked when he's at home.

After a deep breath, you decide to just embrace the situation and work your way through the store like you would with Tilly. Arthur looks around but always stays near you, and accurate to the stereotype, you soon hand him some clothes to carry for you as well.

In the end, you do as Tilly wanted and look for a dress. You actually quite like wearing one, but it's always hard to find something fitting. Often, it's either too tight in some spots or hangs loose as if you threw on some garbage bags.

While you go through the selection without much enthusiasm, a saleswoman comes over to you.

"Hello, I'm Martha," she says with a warm grandmother's smile, "any chance I can help you with something?"

"Oh, I'm just looking around, thank you."

"Of course," she says, her smile not wavering one bit. "Let me just remind you that we have an in-house tailor now, so if you find something nice, we alter it for you for a minimal extra fee."

"Oh, that's great, thank you."

"I'll be right over there; just let me know if you need anything."

"Sure, thank you," you repeat, and Martha goes back to sorting out clothes, leaving you to stare at the dress in your hand.

You found two more like it that aren't bad but probably wouldn't fit you that well. If you could get them altered, they might just look decent. After adding them to your pile, you look for Arthur. He's killing time by petting a few fur coats, and when he looks up, you wave him over to head for the changing rooms.

You don't look forward to this part, but there's no way you can buy anything before trying it on. Arthur sits down next to a big mirror, looking out of place with your bag on his lap.

"Are you sure you want to wait here?" you ask. "This could take a while."

"I'm good," Arthur says, stretching his legs and leaning against the wall. You wouldn't put it past him to take a nap right there. You've seen him do it in various locations.

"Alright," you say, bracing yourself for what's to come.

The first two jeans you try on are already a bust, so you hopelessly change over to a skirt. It's not right out ugly, so you top it off with three different shirts before an annoyed grunt breaks out of you.

"Everything alright in there?" Arthur asks from outside, and your insides turn cold. You completely forgot about him.

"Yeah, just…," you bite your lip, not sure what to say without sounding all whiney. "Nothing really works."

There's a moment of silence, and you're about to change again, but then Arthur's voice penetrates your cocoon of self-loathing. "Let me see?"

"God no," you huff, the thought of Arthur seeing you like this turning your stomach.

"That's what you would do with Tilly, right?"

You're trying to find an excuse, but Arthur is right, and you can't exactly tell him that you don't want him to see you at your ugliest because of your crush on him. After a deep sigh, you step out from behind the curtain.

Heat pools in your chest with the way Arthur's eyes travel over your entire body, and it takes all your willpower not to run away.

"Alright, that looks nice, right?" Arthur asks, and you stare at yourself in the mirror.

"Nice?" you huff, prodding at your sides where the fabric clings to your skin. "You can see every roll and curve and just-"

You're not even sure how to finish the sentence, and Arthur furrows his brows. "But that's just how you look."

"Right," you say, swallowing the sullen feeling that rises in your chest.

You head back behind the curtain, blindly grabbing the next set of clothes while Arthur's words run in a loop in your mind. That's just how you look. Although you have no desire to do so, you step outside again.

"Oh, that's great," Arthur says, and you can't believe how genuine he sounds.

You take another look in the mirror, not knowing what's great about that outfit. Then you try on the next one, and when you come out again and let Arthur have a look, he actually smiles.

"Very nice."

"Are you kidding?" you say, finally snapping. "This is a green shirt with red pants; there's no way you can think this looks good."

Arthur looks you over before shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know; you just always look pretty."

"You- I don't-" you stammer, not sure what to say to that.

Instead, you rush back behind the curtain, your heart pounding like crazy. You've known Arthur for years. He always has a nice word for people, but he's not the type to lie. If he says that you're pretty, it's because he thinks you're pretty. You're not equipped to deal with that revelation in the changing room of an outlet store.

"You alright in there?" Arthur asks, and you feel like screaming.

Instead, you take a deep breath before poking your head out from behind the curtain. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Arthur says, although he looks anything but sure.

"Don't look at me so much but more at the clothes. Like, it's okay to tell me if they're ugly."

"Alright, I'll try."

You pick out another outfit and head back outside, turning in a circle. "So?"

Arthur studies you for a moment, his face one of pure concentration. "I'm not sure I like that color. It looks like a banana peel."

"Yes," you shout, clapping your hands together. "That's something Tilly would say. That's what I'm looking for."

"Okay," Arthur says, although he still looks confused.

"Just channel your inner Tilly. Can you do that for me?"

Arthur laughs, but then he nods. "Sure, I'll do my best."

From there on out, trying out things is actually fun. Arthur's an artist, after all, so he has an excellent eye for matching colors, and you learn a lot about what he likes when it comes to patterns and prints. The only things you don't show to Arthur are the dresses.

Two of them are right out ugly, but the last one could be something if it was actually tailored to your body. You remember Martha, and although you hate spending much money on clothes, it would be nice to have a cute dress.

You head outside in your own clothes, and Arthur grins. "Now that one is really killing it."

"Shut up," you grunt, shoving the clothes in his hands that you don't want. "I'll need to take a dress to the tailor and pay for the few things that actually fit."

"Alright," Arthur says, handing you your bag, and you make your way over to Martha.

She falls over herself to help you and calls for another woman to fit the dress so that they know what changes they'll need to make. Arthur heads over to you while she rings you up.

"I'll have a smoke outside," he says, "I think we established that I'm not a big help here."

"Oh no, you did great."

"It's not hard when you make everything look good," Arthur says, and he actually winks at you before heading outside.

You clench your teeth together to keep the butterflies in your stomach from flying out, and Martha smiles. "Isn't your husband the sweetest?"

"Oh, he's not my husband," you force yourself to say, although another flock of butterflies takes flight in your stomach.

"Ah, don't you worry, dear," she says, tapping your hand, "I've seen the way he looks at you. He's going to pop the question soon enough."

You feel like she dumped a bucket of ice water over your head. The way Arthur looks at you? What does that mean?

"I don't know-" you say, but Martha gives you a reassuring smile.

"Believe me, dear. I've seen so many couples come in here over the years. Some men hold their girlfriend's bag because they have to; some do it because they want to." She looks outside the window where Arthur watches the parking lot while having his smoke. "This one wants to."

You wish there was something you could say, but you draw a complete blank. Arthur turns around, and when he sees you looking at him, he smiles. You smile back, unable to help yourself, and Martha smiles even bigger. "Think of us when you need a wedding dress. We have a great selection."

---------

You stare into the mirror hating yourself. You hate parties even more, but it's Abigail who invited you, so you couldn't say no. Now you're trapped in John's and Abigail's bathroom, ready to drown yourself in the toilet.

In a state of sudden euphoria, you picked out your new dress to wear this morning, a decision that you very much regret. You feel uncomfortable and very much out of your league.

A lot of Abigail's co-workers look like they sprung right out of a catalog, with fancy dresses and high heels, ready to hop on the catwalk. Seeing them made you want to turn tail right at the door, but Abigail pulled you inside and introduced you to a few people.

Arthur's been there as well, talking to a tall woman with long hair and even longer legs. That's when your day went from shitty to right out horrible. If Arthur thinks you're pretty, you don't even want to know what he might say about her.

Still, you can't hide in here forever. You just have to suck it up until you can go home, and never accept any of Abigail's invitations ever again. You try to stand tall and walk back outside, doing your best to look confident.

You can't find John or Abigail anywhere, and although you try to fight the urge, you search for Arthur. He's still talking to the same woman, but then Abigail drags him away from her and whispers something in his ear. He nods, and when Abigail walks away, he makes his way to the kitchen, turning his head as if he's looking for something.

Again, you have the urge to hide, but then Arthur spots you and stops in his tracks. You force a smile on your face and wave, but while Arthur looks you up and down, he doesn't move in the slightest. You're about to walk up to him, but the woman from before steps in your path. You can't hear her, but Arthur smiles.

The expression that usually makes your heart melt now drives a knife right through it. You can't take it anymore and head back to the bathroom, finding it's locked. You hammer your fist against the door, making someone groan inside.

"Um, occupied?" an annoyed voice says, and you flee to the next door, rushing inside.

You walk up and down John's and Abigail's bedroom, trying to figure out what's wrong with you. After all, you've never been jealous before. You've had a crush on Arthur for a while, even when he still had a girlfriend, Mary. After they broke up, you still didn't have the illusion that he would magically fall in love with you. You were friends, and that was alright.

The only thing that changed was that stupid shopping tour. Arthur said you were pretty, and of course, you read too much into it. And then there was Martha, letting you believe that Arthur might actually want to be more than just friends. You'll have to get that out of your head.

"Y/N? You in there?" Arthur's voice comes through the door, making you jump.

"Um, yes?"

"Can I come in?"

"I- wait," you say, not sure what to do.

Arthur's the last person you want to see right now, but you can't think of a reason to send him away. If you do, he might get Abigail, and then you'd be in for a long conversation you don't want to have right now.

You open the door, and Arthur searches your eyes. "You okay? Abigail said you suddenly ran off, and now you did the same thing with me."

"I just saw you with that woman and thought you'd rather talk to her."

"Why? I don't even know her name."

"Well, she's beautiful, and I'm-"

You know you can't finish the sentence without tearing up, so you press your lips together, trying to keep the sorrow bottled up deep inside.

"You're what?"

"Plump, chubby, I don't know," you snap, unable to hold back your frustration. "Call it whatever you want."

"That's what you said at the outlet," Arthur says, confusion on his face, "but that's how you look, right?"

"Yeah, right."

You're about to just storm out, but then Arthur lets out a deep sigh, something you've never heard from him before.

"John keeps making fun of me, and now Abigail's on my back as well, so I might as well just say it," Arthur says. He's rubbing his neck, looking more at the ground than at you. "I think you're pretty and smart, and funny, and kind-"

You stare at Arthur, and he fidgets with his hands when he finally looks at you.

"I know you told me to look at the clothes, but it's hard to focus on some lifeless fabric when you're inside of it. You're just too distracting because you're goddamn sexy and-" Arthur interrupts himself, his gaze traveling up and down your body in a way that makes your blood boil.

You're pretty sure you're in shock. You've rarely heard Arthur say that much in one go, and you struggle to make sense of it all. Could Arthur really like you, let alone be attracted to you? "Arthur-?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm a simple man, and when I look at that dress, the only thing I can think about is how I want to rip it off and look at you instead."

You try your hardest to process what you just heard. With any other guy, you might think this is a joke, but Arthur would never be so cruel. You try your best to come up with something to say when you hear the lock of the bathroom door click.

The last thing you need right now is an audience, so you grab Arthur by his shirt and pull him into the room to close the door behind you. You lean with your back against the door, and since Arthur moved along without resistance, his hands come to rest on both sides of you, your fingers still clinging to his shirt.

"What-?" Arthur mumbles in surprise, but you touch your fingers to his lips to quiet him.

Outside, someone walks along the corridor. You hear voices, and a door falls shut. For a second, you believe to be in the clear, but then there are footsteps again.

You strain your ears, and aside from the noises outside, you can hear Arthur's shallow breathing, his hot breath washing up against your fingers. You hurriedly take your hand away but make the mistake of looking at him.

Arthur hasn't moved an inch, his eyes trained on you. Close like this, you're overwhelmed by everything that's purely him. His scent, the heat radiating from him, the clear color of his eyes, and his lips that feel a lot softer to the touch than you ever imagined.

You listen closely to make sure nobody's coming in here, but all you can hear is Arthur's breathing and your own heart, beating so fast it might break through your rips any second. And then there's everything Arthur said about you, swirling around in your head.

"Did you really mean that?" you ask, your voice shaky. "What you said about me?"

Arthur's eyes flicker to the ground, and he draws back a little, his cheeks gaining more color. "I just- You know, I usually really hate shopping."

A little laugh fights its way out of your chest, taking the doubts with it. Some guys want to hold the bag.

You cup Arthur's face, your fingers ghosting over his beard as you draw him in. Again, he follows along, and when there's barely an inch between the two of you, you feel like you might burst into flames any second.

This time, Arthur's the one to move first, touching his lips to yours. It's almost too gentle, careful even, but it still lights a fire in your belly. You throw your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss, and Arthur takes his hands away from the door to embrace you.

You enjoy his body pressed flush against yours, and Arthur runs his hands along your body without any reluctance. You can't remember the last time you felt so wanted, and something inside you just snaps.

Like before, you grab Arthur by his shirt, but now you push him until you get to the bed. He sits down, reaching for your legs, and you feel like catching fire when Arthur runs his hands along your thighs to push up the dress.

He looks up at you, and without words, you agree that this won't be drawn out and careful. Now that you're in it, neither of you wants to wait.

Arthur hooks his fingers under the rim of your underwear and pulls it down. Before he has a chance to do more, you push him back onto the bed, getting right to open his pants. He groans when you pull him out and throws his head down onto the bed with a curse when you stroke him.

Seeing him like this is already hard to handle, so you just know you won't hold on for long. You crawl on top of Arthur, and when you rub his cock against your pussy, he grabs your hips and holds on to you while you sink down on him.

You take a little time to enjoy how Arthur feels inside of you, and even more how he looks up to you. With every move you make, his breath hitches, and when you start to ride him in earnest, he lets out a defeated moan between gritted teeth.

You try your best to stay quiet yourself, but it's getting harder the more you move. Arthur doesn't help either. He snaps his hips to meet you, and when you lean over him, he grabs your breasts and teases you until you put your own hand over your mouth for a moment to muffle your eager sounds.

To get more leverage, you lean back again, Arthur looking at you as if you were a work of art. He runs his fingers over your skin, sometimes digging a little deeper, tracing every curve. "I could watch you like this all day. You're so beautiful."

Usually, compliments don't even register with you since you don't believe them, but you know that Arthur is sincere. It's impossible not to feel good when he says things like that.

"Don't make me blush," you say, making Arthur chuckle.

"That makes you blush, but this-" Arthur holds on to your hips as you push yourself up and down on him, "-does not?"

You shrug. "I'm not used to compliments."

"You better get used to them," Arthur says. He reaches for you and pulls you close, your body melting against his. "You're sweet and sexy-"

You interrupt him with a kiss, his voice, and sweet words too much to handle. He kisses you back while his hands explore your body, and when you eagerly roll your hips, he grabs your ass, his fingers digging into your flesh.

Like this, it doesn't take long for you to reach your point of no return. You bury your face against Arthur's neck, unable to suppress some quiet moans, and with eager thrusts, you push yourself over the edge.

Your muscles clench around Arthur, and when an eager moan escapes him, you know he won't hold on much longer. You keep moving, and he draws you close again, his arms around you.

You kiss Arthur, his breathing now fast and erratic, and he moans against your lips as he comes. Holding on to each other, you don't move for a while until you remember where you are.

"We should probably get up," you say, but Arthur shakes his head.

"I'm fine where I am."

You laugh, and Arthur looks up to you with a smile. You kiss him and fetch some tissues from the bedside table. When you're both cleaned up, you bring your clothes back in order and come to sit next to each other on the bed. You're not quite sure what to say, only stupid things coming to mind.

"So, who's going to tell Abigail and John that they'll have to burn their sheets?" you ask, making Arthur rub his neck.

"Jesus," he huffs before pulling out a coin from his pocket. "Let's flip for it."

"Heads," you say, watching the coin fly.

Arthur puts it on the back of his hand and groans. "Guess I'll do it."

"And what do we do now?"

With a quick look over his shoulder, Arthur grins. "The sheets are already ruined, so-"

"Flip for that, too," you say.

"Tails," Arthur says, throwing the coin, but instead of catching it, he leans over to push you back onto the bed.

The way he kisses you then takes you to a faraway place. You don't even hear the coin drop.

#arthur morgan x female reader #arthur morgan x reader #rdr2 smut #rdr2 fanfic #nsft #my writing #fulfilled requests

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linkspooky · 4 years ago

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Repress Your Feelings, Girl.

Toga and Uraraka can’t understand each other: because Toga can’t explain herself properly, and Uraraka doesn’t really want to understand. However, there’s also a narrative reason behind why these two characters are fighting each other. It has nothing to do with morality, good or bad, hero or villain, but rather the writing of the characters themselves. Toga Himiko and Uraraka are foils, two sides of the same coin meant to reflect each other. They are essentially (in narrative terms at least) the same person, just both of them expressing different sides of themselves. Uraraka Ochako represses, and Himiko Toga expresses herself, more on their foiling underneath the cut.

Before I start out I just wanted to point out a few of the deliberate paralels the narrative draws between the two characters. First, the girls come from completely opposite circumstances.

Uraraka comes from a poor family, whereas Toga comes from what seems to be a wealthy household, considering there’a a gate in front of their door.

Typically Himiko would be the privileged one, but the narrative inverts this. Uraraka grows up in a household where her identity is affirmed by her parents no matter what. Himiko grows up in a household where she is constantly told she is wrong by her parents.

Ochako is continually accepted for who she is, and Toga is told not to be herself, not only suffering parental abuse, but also psychiatric abuse on top of that.

One more way in which they are opposites, Ochako is someone who tends to be sheltered (her parents did her best to hide the fact they were suffering from her because she didn’t want her to feel guitly about it, however it produced the opposite effect, Uraraka got better at reading the faces of people and noticing their suffering.)

Himiko on the other hand has grown up very unsheltered, she’s been on her own since middle school. There’s several hints she’s been exposed to the ugliest side of people already and spends her life running away from them and keeping herself safe from them.

Himiko and Uraraka are both incredibly good at reading other people, but they developed this ability for opposite reasons. Uraraka who was sheltered noticed the pain her parents tried to hide from her and developed it compassionately, and Himiko who has been on the run for most of her life developed it as a method of survival. However, that doesn’t mean that Himiko is lacking compassion, or Uraraka always empathizes with everyone she meets, because both of them are complex individuals.

Himiko is capable of empathizing with other people, not only that but she’s grown significantly out of her shell and learned that other people besides her have needs, feelings she needs to take care of, to the point where she’s stopped prioritizing herself first in all circumstances. On the other hand, Uraraka is just as capable of shutting her feelings down and ignoring the viewpoints of other people she finds disagreeable with her own.

Uraraka and Toga are also both extremely social people, however all of Uraraka’s friends accept her for who she is. Deku knows Uraraka so well that he can tell when Toga, pretending to be Camie, is the one replacing her. Toga is someone who like Uraraka was always at the center of a group of friends tying her together. However, Toga could only present her fake self in front of them.

1. The Repressed

Jung divides the self into three, the shadow, the persona, and then the ego (self) which is made of a combination of the former too.

Persona

The persona is how we present ourselves to the world. The word "persona" is derived from a Latin word that literally means "mask." It is not a literal mask, however.

The persona represents all of the different social masks that we wear among various groups and situations. It acts to shield the ego from negative images. According to Jung, the persona may appear in dreams and take different forms. [source]

Shadow

The shadow is an archetype that consists of the sex and life instincts. The shadow exists as part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.

The shadow forms out of our attempts to adapt to cultural norms and expectations. It is this archetype that contains all of the things that are unacceptable not only to society, but also to one's own personal morals and values. [source]

My Hero Academia uses Jungian Symbolism, especially in regards to Himiko and Uraraka’s characters, this isn’t something I made up it’s directly in the text. Toga’s act of repression is literally called: wearing a mask.

Toga and Uraraka are written to contrast each other on which part of themselves they present to the world. Uraraka is extremely conscious of other people’s expectations of her, so she plays up her persona. Uraraka is someone who is always putting up a show for others because she knows how they perceive her.

Her own perceptiveness works against her, because while she loves seeing people happy the most she also can’t stand to see them in pain, or even be the reason why they’re in pain. Uraraka’s solution to this is a rather immature one, she believes if she’s good all the time, if she’s always this pleasant and happy person and never shares her problems then she won’t drag the mood down.

Uraraka is conflict avoidant in other words. There are times she directly addresses the conflict like the times with Tsuyu, but even then it’s in a “We should all get along as friends” sort of way. Uraraka always pushes her feelings down and tries her hardest never to cause trouble for others. However there’s a line between trying not to hurt others, and simply pretending the conflict does not exist.

The shadow is the part of ourselves we repress in order to play for other’s expectations. The persona is a performance, it’s the personality you perform every day. You would swear with a group of friends, but you wouldn’t swear in front of your grandparents. People hide parts of themselves depending on who they’re interacting with, personality is in part a performance to the expectations of others around you, that’s natural. Everyone will have a side of themselves they show to others, and a side of themselves they keep repressed. That’s natural. What is not natural is to be all one way or all the other.

‘Man is not truly one, but truly two’ “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”

The point of the shadow and the persona, is that both are true at the same time. You are both who you pretend to be, and what you hide of yourself. The persona is not fake just because it’s a performance, and the shadow isn’t the true self or all there is to you just because it’s hidden. However, the opposite is true at the same time, the persona is not all of who you are, and you can’t make your shadow go away just by repressing it.

Psychological repression is not a healthy strategy for dealing with emotions. It doesn’t resolve emotions, it just makes them go away for a short time. One response to the presence of a shadow is to simply ignore it, but ignoring it will just make you ignorant.

Uraraka views herself to be a good person, and views heroes to be good, but that belief hasn’t come from confronting the bad of society and deciding that heroes are still good anyway. Which is my point, not that Uraraka is wrong, but that she’s ignorant. She’s sheltered, naive, and her lived experience is so narrow she can’t realy make a judgement call on Toga that’s accurate. Like, just for exmaple heroes do in fact kill people. They even get excited about completely destroying villains.

There are heroes who become heroes just to beat the shit out of villains, there are heroes who will try to kill villains, Tokoyami gets confronted with the fact that Hawks killed a villain and his first response is: You did nothing wrong, Hawks. Uraraka sees heroes as the ideal only ever saving people. Yes heroes save people. There are other heroes who are violent. It’s not one or the other, the truth requires acknowledging both at once. Uraraka’s point that she would never feel happy about violence is a false one, because she doesn’t know that for one, and two heroes are just as capable of violence as villains.

The key point to repression is that it doesn’t work.

Himiko already tried reperssing herself and it just drove her insane. The feelings don’t go away simply by pretending that they are not there. Even in a narrative sense, Uraraka’s shadow that she has repressed has escaped her in the form of Himiko and is running around constantly trying to challenge her and confront her to get her to acknowledge those feelings. The feelings will not go away, and Uraraka’s solution is to just keep putting a lid on them and pretending they are not there. It’s because she has such a tight lid on herself it makes her impossible to see things from Himiko’s point of view.

Why is Uraraka supposed to understand things from Himiko’s point of view? Because Himiko is Uraraka, she’s all of her repressed flaws come to roost. Uraraka cannot change or improve as a person until she accepts both the best and worst of herself instead of just trying to always be good all the time. Understanding Himiko leads to a more gray and nuanced understanding of reality rather than the black and white: heroes good, villains bad. Himiko is a foil, a narrative device used to show the flaws of another character.

Uraraka did nothing wrong / Uraraka is right.

Well okay then, but Uraraka would be a pretty boring character otherwise. She’d just be a good girl who did good things all the time and always tried her hardest. I’m not trying to insinuate Uraraka is a bad person, I’m arguing in favor of her complexity. I think there is more to her character than just her trying to be a better hero, and getting stronger and learning to use her powers better. There’s an emotional complexity to Uraraka that she represses.

Emotionally, Uraraka is similiar to Himiko because they both cope poorly in the same way. Emotional repression is unhealthy. Himiko has only two modes, repress everything or don’t repress anything and both of those extremes are bad. Uraraka is on the path to becoming Himiko, because the only way she knows how to deal with things is to shut her feelings off and as Himiko said that doesn’t work: it just drove Himiko insane.

2. The Expressed

Himiko Toga is who she is in reaction to her trauma. Uraraka pushes herself down and tries to play to the expectations of others, and Toga asserts herself and tries to defy other people’s expectations.

I’m actually going to blow everybody’s minds here though: Toga doesn’t actually want to murder people and suck their blood dry. It’s what she thinks she wants, but once again, she is who she is, in reaction to trauma. Toga was violently abused, Toga became violent, but it’s not who she is inherently. It’s who she thinks she is.

Toga has internalize every bad thing every person has ever said about her. Toga not only foils Uraraka, she also foils Shigaraki. Toga has been convinced, that what she wants naturally, is to suck people’s blood, and kill them. The same way that Shigaraki has been convinced by AFO that he was naturally born with the urge to destroy others.

These aren’t things that they have a natural inclination or desire to do, it was things they were told about themselves repeatedly. Shigaraki by AFO, and Toga by everyone around her. Even Toga’s initial incident of violence has a lot more in common with a psychotic break, then with you know, a pre-meditated murder that she did for pleasure.

It’s not something Toga naturally did on her own, it was something she was pushed to do. Remember, Toga suffered twofold abuse. Abuse from her parents, but also psychiatric abuse. The people who were supposed to help her reconcile her quirk, and her unnatural tendencies didn’t try to heal her like they were supposed to. She was demonized by everyone around her, told what a bad girl she was constantly, not for anything she did wrong but because she was born naturally with a quirk. She tried to be good and smile for the sake of others, untils he reached a breaking point: then and only then did she lash out.

Toga’s initial instant of violent wasn’t a pleasure killing. It was a lashing out due to a psychotic break, and it was because both of the systems in her life that were supposed to help teach her to learn to deal with emotions, quirk counselling this world’s version of child therapists, and her own parents, chose to demonize her and tell her to repress herself.

However, children who are abused tend to internalize the words their abusers tell them. Children who are abused often believe they “deserve” their abuse because of their bad behavior.

Now, I’m not trying to justify. I don’t think Toga Himiko is allowed to run around killing whoever she wants just because she was abused. My intent is to explain how her brain works.

Toga Himiko doesn’t get to lash out as she pleased, but I think it’s important to understand that Toga’s lashing out is what makes her human. She’s not an inhuman monster, she’s a human reacting to circumstances. Most people exposed to ugly situations, react in ugly ways, and the few that don’t are the exception that proves the rule.

My point being that Toga is not an insane monster that lusts for blood, she just believes herself to be one. The same way that Uraraka is wrong, Toga is also wrong at the same time.

Because as I said the above is right. Toga can’t live her life just lashing out. While it’s understandable, someone who has endured violence can’t keep lashing out violently forever. Toga’s choice to always lash out is just as unhealthy as Uraraka’s choice to always repress herself.

Because Toga relies again and again on violence to vent her feelings, violence has become an inescapable part of her life. It’s also contrary to what she really wants. Toga thinks she wants violence, but the violence is just a reaction to the violent abuse.

Yes, Toga says all she wants is to drain people dry of their blood but characters are liars sometimes.

Sometimes you can’t take a character at their word. Sometimes instead of reading something directly as stated line for line in the story you have to read between the lines. Toga says she wants to just kill people, but her internal thoughts contradict her.

What Toga needs is to be accepted, loved, and trusted like Uraraka is. That’s her deep internal desire that she states to herself when pushed to her absolute edge by Curious. What Toga thinks she wants is to drain the people she wants dry of their blood, so she can become them and live vicariously through them. What she thinks she wants is a life where she can do whatever she wants, and do as she pleases, in response to a life where she wasn’t allowed to do anything that she wanted. But, that again is a child’s idea of rebellion. It’s a response to her abuse, it’s not who she is. However, Toga’s personal development was forwarded not by killing people and draining them, but by the empathy and acceptance she showed towards Jin.

There’s what she needs, what helps her develop into a more stable person, the empathy and care she shows to Jin. The acceptance Jin showed her in return.

There’s what she thinks she wants, which is to just rebel against everything and always do what she wants in every single situation and accept no limitations on her personal desires.

Toga is in fact just a normal girl, who wants to be accepted by the society at large, or at least find people who accept her. However, Toga doesn’t see herself as one, because she’s internalzied the idea that she’s the blood thirsty monster that everyone thinks she is. Which is why Toga contradicts herself.

Toga in the same breath will say “I’m also a normal girl” and then “I’m a weird kid, I’m a weirdo, no one can understand me.”

Toga cannot explain herself, because she’s wrong about herself. She’s making herself out to be a violent monster because that’s how she copes, the really really bad way she copes. It’s easier to be a violent monster, she’s more protected that way, then to be a runaway girl who’s just scared and alone. However, because Himiko can’t admit this, she also can’t explain herself to other people. She presents the monstrous version of herself and that’s all Uraraka can see.

Neither Uraraka nor Himiko’s way of coping is sustainable. Uraraka cannot keep repressing herself forever, the same way Himiko cannot violently lash out forever.

While what Uraraka says is very black and white, it’s not wrong. If HImiko is goign to live her life “Kill or Be Killed”, then she’s just as likely to end up being killed then she is to be the killer. There’s no happy ending to that kind of life.

However, there is no happy ending to Uraraka’s way of living either. Her perfectionist tendencies and her desire to only ever be good just aren’t going to work, because one a lot of bad things are going on already Uraraka just doesn’t see them, and two it’s not sustainable, Himiko was someone who held everything in too and look where that got her.

Uraraka and Himiko’s talk failed because neither of them are capable of communicating right now. Uraraka can’t understand because she doesn’t try, and Himiko can’t explain herself because she also doesn’t try.

Uraraka only sees what’s good about the world, about heroes. Himiko only sees what’s bad about the world, about heroes. Uraraka sees the beautiful parts, Himiko embodies the ugliness.

However they are both wrong because they are both short sighted. People are not just their shadows, and they’re not just their personas. They are both at the same time.

A junagian shadow confrontation doesn’t end in a fight between good or evil. The shadow is not evil, the persona is not good. They are just two halves of the same person. Defeating a shadow does not make it go away. The shadow is something you have to learn to live with, the same way everybody on earth is flawed, and just tries to live every day working on their flaws the best they can.

The shadow is something that has to be reconciled. Uraraka and Toga don’t have to defeat each other, they have to reconcile with one another.

The narrative is pushing their reconciliaton because Toga and Uraraka both have what the other needs to grow. Uraraka is ignorant because she’s lacking experience. She hasn’t lived Toga’s experiences so she doesn’t understand her perspective. She doesn’t know, and she won’t know until someone explains it to her. However, saving as many people as possible means that Uraraka should also be open to trying to save people who react to abuse in ugly ways as well, because a person can be a victim and a villain at the same time. Uraraka will be a better hero if she’s able to see the flaws in her own society, because she’s a part of the next generation to reform society.

And Toga can’t become someone who is trusted by others if she’s violently lashing out all the time. The same way that Uraraka needs to see what’s bad about the world, Toga needs to learn to see what’s good about the world. The same way Uraraka needs to see both sides of the world, that of a villain girl and that of a normal girl. Toga needs to come to terms with herself, that she’s not a violent monster, but a normal girl. The only way she can stop lashing out and start actually taking responsibility for what she’s done and start on the path to self improvement is if she starts seeing herself as a person capable of improving.

Toga wasn’t born this way she was made this way. She’s just a people, and people change. Toga can either try to change, or keep lashing out forever but at the moment she doesn’t even know that changing is an option for her. She thinks she’s going to be stuck as a monster forever because she was just born one. That’s why, Toga also needs Uraraka as much as Uraraka needs her.

#togachako #uraraka ochako #ochako uraraka #himiko toga #toga himiko #lov meta #mha meta #league of villains meta #my hero academia meta #league of villains #toga himiko is a terrible person #yeah but she's fascinating #besides it's not like she killed YOUR MOM #she hasn't hurt anybody in reality #she's a character in a narrative and we can analyze her without the need to moralize her #because obviously killing is bad #but like beyond that it's constructive to look at her and try to understand her as a person

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kyoupann · 4 years ago

Note

Please do more of the writing head canons. It’s really interesting to see other people’s ideas on the topic, so if you can be bothered, I would highly appreciate more, thanks bye <3

Y’all don’t know how happy I am to talk about these headcanons, they are my babies and I love them so much :’) thanks for asking g <3

Handwriting Headcanons

Same dynamic as before, try to guess whose handwriting it is before reading and tell me how many you got right! <3

You can find the first post here (no need to check it tho)

Quick disclaimer: halfway through making my initial notes, I remembered I had one (1) single lesson of graphology in my applied linguistics class, but that was a year ago and some information might be off. I just thought it was neat to include.

Another quick disclaimer: I don’t know much about Hylian, but I like to think it has a similar stroke system to Japanese, so the pressure and accuracy of your strokes play a major role in your handwriting (among other things, ofc.) so there are some parts where I focus more on that

(First Row, from left to right)

Sky

Our first boy is mother hen! Believe it or not, he has the prettiest handwriting out of all of them! Sky: probably has nice, even elegant handwriting because Sun forced him to practice when they were little. In the end, that paid off because his handwriting is the prettiest one. There’s no pressure, but he is confident in what he writes that his lines aren’t thin. Mistakes? what is that? this boy has impeccable grammar and spelling. No mechanic errors to be found in his letters! I’d like to think that many of Hyrule’s classic/staple poems were originally written by the firt king aka sky child. Like, imagine, after a retiring from being a Person of Power (as the first ruler), Sky finds comfort in the arts: revisits his old woodcarvings and starts writing poetry about the world he still doesn’t fully understand. wowie. tldr: sky writes poetry and you can pry it from my cold dead hands.

This is what one of his letters would look like:

Next one is the one and only, our Hero of Time

2. Time

I’ll die on the “Time didn’t know how to read and write” hill. His handwriting is simple, not pretty but not messy. It has some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. Can become unreadable if writing in a hurry, he sorts of forgets spaces between words are a thing/letters have different sizes and lowercase letters end up the same size as capital letters. I’m not saying he sometimes forgets to write articles: he just doesn’t want to. Honestly, he just has this dad-neat handwriting. He is a gentle dad and writes like a dad, if he puts too much pressure onto the paper, his handwriting become too sharp/angle-ish and ends up looking ugly. And as much as he would like to not care about it, in the end he does (:

Malon taught him how to write and it was quite the experience. At first he didn’t want to because he was ‘too old’ to learn and it was torture at first, but now look at him devouring his cowboy novels.

A chunk of his handwriting:

*sniff* such a dad quote.

3. my mansss, your 4x1 deal at Target: Four

Look, my boy is patient! He could do some nice and fancy lettering if he wanted to. He was taught that handwriting and spelling said a whole lot about him as a person, you know, like a first impression kinda thing; so he always proof reads more than twice before sending a letter. Super rare grammar mistakes.

The faster he writes, the more slant his writing becomes. Under stress/ when not sure how to write things down, run-on sentences are everywhere and his handwriting is inconsistent in general (I don’t headcanon each part of him having completely different handwriting because handwriting becomes muscle memory over time. It’s just slightly different variations of the same, like idk Vio’s handwriting is neater than Green’s and Red writes hearts instead of any dot/circle and no, I do not take constructive criticism on that, jk i do.) Adding on to each of the colours’ handwriting, I’d think Red and Green write with words slanted to the right( inclined), Vio is a mix of the opposite, so reclined and straight, and my mans blue a true neutral writes straight (kinda like Time’s).

The logic behind this is that inclined writing supposedly means honesty and need for giving (and getting) affection; reclined means, as you can probably imagine, defensiveness and repression of true feelings, but also shows great concentration; straight handwriting means self-control, observation and reflection as well as distrust and indifference. But as complete being (tm), Four just writes as in the image example which is not too straight and not too inclined, and I believe that’s a good middle for him

HOWEVER, if I’m feeling in the mood for crack, I totally accept this boy to have the ugliest, chicken scratches-looking handwriting! :’D It’s just funny to think that someone like him, who has to be precise and careful in his work, can't write neatly to save his life.

One of his letters would look like this:

Also I just LOVE how his hero titles look in this font ksksks

and that’s

(Middle row, from left to right)

4.- Mister Bunny Boy - Legend

His uncle taught him how to write. I’d call his handwriting pretty and neat at a first glance, but he presses too hard on the paper, most of the time staining the back or the following page. Sometimes will retrace some words if he doesn’t like how it looks (which only makes it messier). According to my notes, a thick or strong handwriting represents determination/commitment.

As I also headcanon him to know many languages, mechanical errors are more present than grammar ones; that is, weird capitalisation of words. Punctuation is somewhere in between; uses too many commas when he should just cut the sentence. he mixes punctuation from two languages or more in writing when too distracted (or too focused, because, well, pressure.); when he writes for himself, he has almost no problem following said language’s punctuation rules. Also, this is just polyglot culture, and I’m projecting a bit, but when he forgets a word in the language he’s writing, he just replaces it with its equivalent in another language because we don’t care about fluency, but rather functionality. in this household (more on that in my language hc, ksksks).

An example of his writing:

so powerful

4.- Mr. Wolfman, howl me a song - Twilight

I don’t have much for him because 1) I don’t think he writes a lot and 2) he is a hands-on/visual learner, I’ll die by that. He only learnt how to write because Ulli insisted it was important and he was not about to disrespect his momma; he IS That Guy, but doesn’t really write enough to have neat handwriting.

Many people seem to overlook the fact that his house is filled with books and write him as completely illiterate (which if not explored properly, ends up feeling a bit disrespectful and full of prejudice, but go off I guess; and that’s on my core Headcanons for Twi); however, he sticks to simple sentences. Knowing how to read and understanding a text is different from knowing how to write them. Like, when we would see a semicolon and understand its position in the text, but didn’t understand the nature of it. Is this clear? idk i’m sorry. So yeah, boy reads a lot, writes very little.

As for his Actual Handwriting, as opposed to Legend, his handwriting is thiccc but not because he presses into the paper; he is just that messy, he has no sense of ink-flow-control, he does what he can with what he has. To the untrained eye, his handwriting illegible letters like v, n, u are very similar; when he makes notes for himself he does it in the form of doodles or small ‘icons’. But! He reads a lot, so he rarely makes spelling mistakes (: he is your go-to guy when you don’t know how to write a word.

An example of his writing:

He keeps a journal, sue me.

3. My first born- Warrior

Okay, first off... I accept this is completely biased. I saw the idea and said “That’s True”. If you haven’t, please read Effective Communication; or The Lack of Thereof by htruona, a fic where the boys reflect on the language barriers between them. It’s incredibly funny and probably what made me start making these silly notes. So, if you’ve read that fic, you know where I’m going.

My man, Warrior, can’t fucking write. I mean, he physically can, but it’s very bad. Here’s the reason for it, tho, and it’s not his fault: Technically, he knew how to write alright but he joined the military and whatever note he had to write had to be concise or in the worst case coded. He mixes capital and lowercase letters. If we consider that he joined the military at around 15, his handwriting and grammar had yet to continue developing. Just think about how after summer break, your handwriting was always slightly worse than before because you didn’t write for an entire month. Now think what 2 years can do to that. Hmm, not cool, dude. He makes quick notes, when writing he’s all gotta go fast. he is the lighting mcqueen of writing; good for emergency messages, not ideal for love letters. His punctuation also suffered a lot, he only know full stops and commas and hardly uses them. A sentence for him is either one word or fifty without a single comma, no inbetween.

His hero title and an example of his writing.

(Bottom row, or what I like to call “fuck cursive” row)

7.- Magic man - Hyrule

I’m basic and I do agree with the popular headcanon of he not knowing how to write because well, y’all know his Hyrule. He only knows how to write his name because that’s important, same with numbers. I don’t see why would he write/read except checking the roadsigns. (he can even use this as an excuse for getting lost frequently; he thought it said something different.) But I do think that because his habitual reading consists of roadsigns, his ‘punctuation’ is weird af and places full stops/points/periods at the same level of his words and his commas/question/exclamation marks below them. Yk, creative license. Sadly, I don’t have much about my magic hands man so here’s what his writing would look like if he actually wrote a paragraph:

Man, I love Hyrule.

8.- Man, I don’t understand this boy - Wild

Cursive? ain’t nobody have the time for that. He woke up and had to save the world in his underwear while not knowing how to read nor write. He learnt during his journey and was taught by multiple people from different regions, that explains his inconsistent spelling of things and names for them. So Wild knows language variations for many items and uses them interchangeably (even if they aren’t exactly the same). Another headcanon related to writing/language skills that I’ve been thinking about is that if the shrine was able to cause amnesia, I’m sure there were other areas in the brain affected which leads us to language disorders such as agraphia and aphasia. But that’s a story for another day ksksksk

An example of his writing (after relearning)

9.- The best of sons - Wind

I don’t have much for him and that makes me sad. Look, he’s a kid, doing kid things like stabbing dudes on the head. This boy was taught cursive by his grandma, but could never do it and no one needs it anyway. His handwriting is good enough for his pirate life, Tetra is the one to handle Official stuff, he just gotta sign. Spelling and grammar mistakes abound. He is still relatively young and can correct his handwriting if he desires. But same as Wild, with how many times he’s been thrown out and hit his head, I’m starting to consider some language disorder for him as well.

An example of his writing:

aaand that’s it.

Thanks, y’all for showing interest in this silly thing uwu it was fun to finally talk about this. If you ever want to discuss ideas/headcanons(especially if they are related to language and culture), I’m your person (: I’m always happy to hear new headcanons. Feel free to add anything to this post either in a reply or in a reblog, I’d love to hear from y’all <3<3

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frogtanii · 4 years ago

Note

It’s wind anon. I know I should react to the Kenma part, but I just went through the update, saw Meiko’s portion and I have feelings that I need to get out because I’m so far gone right now—

I swear, I can break down every single text what the flip is this BS. Meiko, dear, do you,,,have a concussion. Are you thinking. What,,, this is like the time you were underdressed at the restaurant and you ended up getting drunk as heck.

Okay, let’s do the breakdown.

Coming in hot, we see Meiko with “tooru!!!!!!” (Yes, I did count the number of exclamation marks) firstly, the usage of his first name after ‘exiled’ where she raged at him and used Oikawa instead... mood swing much because I cannot believe the audacity of this... and really. First name basis. Trying to be close and to get rid of animosity, but not offering up anything like “hey, I’d appreciate talking to you for a sec if you’re free?” Or an apology for blowing up at him because he did indeed have your back, it’s just that you were the one problem. But yes, the exclamation marks too. A bit childish, obvious excitement...mmmm, I’ll move on to the next section.

Oikawa’s “oh. hey meiko” shows that he really ain’t up for this. First is the obvious low energy. I don’t want to go into depth about that but the “oh” shows that he paused. He saw her message. He answered. And he didn’t expect her to talk to him. Especially with that sort of energy. Mixed feelings towards her. And his “hey meiko”. I would say he is one of the more energetic of the House. He probably would’ve done something like “meiko!!! <3” in response before or something like that. He’s a bit flashy in that regard. But no punctuation. Just a downtrodden “hey” in response.

“don’t sound so enthused” she says. I mean, at the very least it seems she understands and can grasp tone from messages? But I am like “it would be more surprising for him to be enthused? I’m in awe of how you were able to become so enthused after you got yourself crushed into pieces by YN...” Besides that, even if Meiko wasn’t physically hurt, a confrontation of this sort would not lead to anyone having a happy mood? Me glancing between Meiko and all the therapists that were mentioned before because I really hope that we can figure something out because she gives off so many different vibes I am like... “what even goes on inside her brain...”

“can you blame me? you yelled at me the last time i talked to you” and this is the truth. He shouldn’t be enthused. You yelled at him, you disregarded his concern and you showed that you didn’t care for him as a person. Even if there was a circumstance where she didn’t yell at Oikawa, he would reach out first and be concerned about her health. Meiko has no grounds to try and blame him for anything right now. Frankly, I don’t think Oikawa should have even bothered answering her because I don’t think he is in the best place emotionally to deal with her.

“im so sorry sweetheart!!!! i didn’t mean it :(” lemme just day, wind anon cannot believe the BS that this message is. First, she says she is sorry. But really? Really. I can’t even look at her. Look, I don’t know what it is but “I’m so sorry.” Has the weakest apology energy. “I’m sorry.” Fine, decent, the classic and simplest. “I’m really sorry.” Also good! Shows regret. “I’m so sorry.” Sounds like you when you just learn that a person’s family member has passed away. There is something about “I’m so sorry” that doesn’t sound sincere to me and it’s infuriating. Next, the “sweetheart” I might’ve gagged a bit internally. Does she,,, talk like that? Normally? Is that a thing? She’s younger than him...and I don’t know but sweetheart sounds so condescending I literally can’t even— and finally, the “I didn’t mean it” yeah, well, you don’t mean anything because everything you say is BS that’s what you mean. Stop excusing your behavior. There is no merit behind it.

“you know i was just beat up and i couldn’t control what i was saying”. Okay, let’s break this down too. First, trying to incur sympathy by the “I was just beat up.” I cannot believe this gal. And the “you know” for a reference to a person’s knowledge of the matter, it lets them be more susceptible to beliefs. But the “I couldn’t control what I was saying” is complete utter hogwash. I mean, Meiko can’t control any bit of her because she is just impulse. But she excused her inability to control herself by saying it was because she was just beat up.

I don’t know what to say for the next portion. Alone, it’s cute, but put into perspective it’s just manipulation and she doesn’t love him. I’ll just move on.

“what do you need that you can’t ask iwa-chan?” Okay, so he didn’t reciprocate with an “I love you too” so that just shows what type of mood and how effective her words were. It also shows that she always messaged Oikawa when she needed something, because he caught on super quick to that. The “Iwa-chan” is interesting though. I wanna know if Oikawa talks to Iwaizumi after this conversation with Meiko because she is clearly going behind his back right now.

“oh well hajime is being very rude rn. he won’t let me leave my room!!!!” Okay, he had best interests at heart and Meiko...I know every single one of your rooms has a bathroom too. They’re bringing you food. They are letting people go into your room. Meiko, you wouldn’t have lasted quarantine if you’re this petulant now. It’s literally going to be like, 3 days max if you work to get an actual solution. I don’t want to break this down, I feel this is self explanatory. She feels entitled still.

“i know, it’s for your own good” he replies, and that is true but I am also of the belief that it is (hopefully) better for the rest of the house to not be in contact with her so I guess that’s that. Anyway, this shows Oikawa placating her, next

Meiko...being...not pretty. “ugh!!! but i wanna go out!!!!!!” Yeah, she would not have been able to be safe throughout the pandemic. Please,,, you’ll have fresh air if you open up a window,,, I know for certain you don’t exercise,,, please Meiko, shut up already you are making yourself look like more of a pile of garbage than you depict yourself as please I cannot handle the idea that the guys fell for this act—

“you have a black eye babe” okay, the black eye is actually Tooru trying to refer to knowledge that she has. As in, she should be trying to rest and get better right now. (Just curious, who treated her? For the injuries? She raged at Iwaizumi and Oikawa so maybe Daichi?) the babe gives off the placating vibe to me, still low energy, not very affectionate, but it’s there so I’m like “hm”.

“so??? omg are you calling me ugly tooru???????” Well...he didn’t call you ugly. But I might? Because you have the ugliest personality of everyone here. But also, shifting blame onto him. Gosh, I give Oikawa some water. He’ll get a migraine from this.

“of course not. i would never”. Low energy, not elaborating, I think he sees that she is trying to manipulate him, or at the very least he isn’t going to play that particular game. But actually, he runs a fashion channel on YouTube. We know Bokuto runs a fitness one and his header message was something along the lines of everyone’s bodies are beautiful, so chances are Oikawa has the same sort of idea for his channel too. He may criticize fashion, but he would never criticize the people wearing it or the people who made it in a mean way. He would be respectful, and he lets people do what they wish because it’s their choice. I mean, there has to be a reason why Meiko’s fashion is how it is—he doesn’t intrude on matters that aren’t his to intrude upon.

Okay, Meiko. I’m gonna stop trying to format the messages exactly how they are, autocorrect is making my time with them a bit too much, but she says she wants him to take her with him. Okay, starting off, you are really under the belief that he will take you on to a trip he has planned when he didn’t invite you in the first place? Pushy... but yes, her petulance again... me flicking water at her, “you got super drunk because you were underdressed at a fancy restaurant and now you have a face that looks like roadkill, how much do you want to embarrass yourself before you get turned into a pariah?”

Oikawa not knowing how she knows that is clear concern. Someone knowing your schedule when it’s none of their business and not public knowledge is major red flag. The “uh” shows that he is clearly taken aback. The ellipses shows that he doesn’t know what to think.

Okay, Meiko—she is actually able to notice something??? Good golly gee, I am baffled by how she did that when everything else she does is on fire. But the consistency probably gave it in. She may have been looking for him at one point, noticed he was out, and saw the pattern then. But actually, wouldn’t she be good at noticing the patterns of the guys so that she always knows which one to go to and use? Thoughts.... but I’m curious about the fact she said the “same group of absolute losers”. I highly doubt they always go and meet up directly in eye view of the house? Chances are they meet up at a bar or something? This potentially could be a thing where Meiko was stalking them? It would be interesting if she saw them while she was out as well—and if yahaba and kyoutani noticed her around before too. Also, her saying “you ain’t slick” like,,, Meiko, have you looked into a mirror. Can you see.

Oikawa defending his friends, we stan. Let’s move on though: “they’re so much younger than you?? and yahaba is def not cute lmao” me, doing like the... monkey meme where they look away because I am just like??? Meiko, you’re younger than Oikawa. I bet Yahaba and Kyoutani are your age. And anyone younger than you is a loser huh? That’s why you look at Bokuto and YN like they are dirt beneath your feet. (And Yes, I do remember that you put Bokuto and YN as the babies of the house, this reoccurrence is very well done). And she went and insulted Yahaba directly like...you’re talking to his friend? What are you doing? Excuse me? I beg your pardon?

And the ellipses strike again— and Oikawa is fishing for information because we have seen him—he listens to logic. And Meiko... her emojis... wind anon be flicking more water at her, she is too much. Also. Kyoutani. She is calling Kyoutani cute. This was the message that made wind anon start this long analysis. Kyoutani, cute? Listen. Kyoutani would take one look at this parasite hanging off his arm with her swollen black eye that was slathered with makeup and her lacking clothing sense, before looking at Oikawa who would be so haggard by then, and then Kyoutani would force her off his arm before grabbing Oikawa and running off with Yahaba following them. There is no way at all Kyoutani would involve himself with Meiko. I refuse to believe he would go for her.

Okay, the two messages after about wingmanning—I don’t want to do a large scale analysis of it. Oikawa really is shown to have good sense for Meiko’s intentions. His intuition is good. And we know that he cares and respects his friends and he focuses on their capabilities. He knows them. Meiko is just...childish in the worst of ways.

“You don’t see the issue with this”. Oikawa really digging in his feet. First, he wished to be in a relationship with Meiko. And here she is, asking for him to wingman to get her together with one of his friends, who may not even like her—and I bet that if it doesn’t go well, she would blame Oikawa for it like really—but I give Oikawa more water for the migraines Meiko induces.

“What?? It’s not like we’re actually together lol”. The laugh out loud at the end really shows how much of a joke she sees this as. She sees him as a joke. And she just crushed all his efforts and actions to try and get into a relationship. And actually...will Meiko ever get into a relationship with another? She has no loyalty. She definitely wouldn’t have ever got into a dedicated relationship with one of the guys. And she would be the type to get upset if they slept around, wouldn’t she? A hypocrite.

“Ugh don’t be like that!!! I’m sure you sleep around too!!” Okay, she is trying to defend herself while also potentially blaming him if he does. It’s just manipulation...I’m gonna move on...

Oikawa’s just done and his “I don’t” holds a lot of emotion. But Meiko’s response back I don’t believe at all. “Oh well that’s your fault, I don’t really give a sh*t if you sleep around hehe!!!” First, blaming him for his choice of only choosing you??? And I highly doubt the second part because she is shown to throw blame and ditch people for negligible reasons—I have no trust towards her words. I do not believe her. I believe she would care. I believe she would blow up at the guy before leaving him.

“Of course you don’t” And there is the utter doneness. He has given up on Meiko in this message. He doesn’t care anymore. He was already not in the mood for her when she first messaged him, he doesn’t want to see her at all anymore. He’s given up.

“So you get it!! Perfect!!!!” Please, wind anon has written so much already, her eyes are sweating everytime she has to look at Meiko being like this hhhhh. “I’ll be ready at like 9pm? Come by my room!! Actually no I’ll come by yours” and her usage of emoji. Get her away from me and everyone in PF. She’s toxic. Send her off with hazardous waste. Also, she deliberately changed from her room to coming by his. She is cutting off him so he has to go with her, he can’t just sneak out and not wait at her room (though she did offer a time so he could just go out now and ditch her presence completely). But it would be amusing if he did something like lock his door, (either after he’d go out or if he wold leave through window) and she would just be there waiting all decked out in her clothes and makeup pounding on his door. He wouldn’t answer and the others would see her out of her room (a misdemeanor). And then she would have to make an excuse. But it would be hard...because Oikawa has text evidence of Meiko going against Iwaizumi to just play like this.

“And if I say no?” Says Oikawa, who is testing the waters—very smart. We approve. “You won’t.” She replies, because she is terrible and we hate her controlling, manipulative, abusive self and we would all fight her. And she ends it off with a “great!! see you then!” Because she has to have her way and the last say.

Okay, wind anon is done

Completely. Utterly done with the analysis and reaction for that. Might not get to Kenma and YN analysis because I went off in this one but just know I appreciate it and I’ll try to get to it—just,,,not today.

I hope Oikawa sends these screenshots to like, Iwaizumi at the very least but it would be even better if he just drops it in a group chat with Daichi and Osamu instead and asks them to keep an eye on her for “her own safety” and ask her to stay in her room. She’s too daring and if she blows up on him after, he will receive more evidence of her being terrible. And of course, he’s smart. He’ll definitely block her number when he doesn’t want to bother with her anymore. Okay, wind anon is ending here. The ask is too long. I think it’s the longest ask I’ve ever sent. I wish you well fr0ggy. I hope your sleep is pleasant and you wake up very rested and refreshed!

WOO LONG POST!!!! i cannot nearly respond to all this!!!! but!!!! i am in Awe??? text by text???? i love this????? ur so amazing i <3 u

#j’s asks #anons babey #℗ poker face #wind anon

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lassieposting · 4 years ago

Note

ghasdug for couple questions if you like feeding me

1. Who said I love you first?

Ghastly. Mid-orgasm. The first time they slept together. He. Is. Mortified.

2. Who laughs and kisses their partner on the cheek while their partner isn’t happy about something trivial to try and make them feel better?

Skug. Ghastly has some inadequacy issues during their first century or so, mostly about being ugly and poor - he knows skug could do better. He's attractive, he's funny, he can be very sweet when he wants to be - he could make an excellent match with someone as landed and titled and wealthy as he is.

Skug does try to reassure him, but between his tactlessness and his tendency to not take anything seriously, he kind of sucks at it. Ghastly feels like his being "less than" is a big hurdle, while skug sees it as a trivial difference - he's much happier living with ghastly's family in their cramped farmhouse than he ever was at his parents' vast estate. So he tries to turn it into a joke - "good thing I'm handsome enough for both of us, then," - while completely missing the point that ghastly wants forever with him, and he's worried he's going to spend the rest of forever getting looked down on and whispered about because skulduggery could've done better.

3. Who cuddles up to the other after a long day at work, and this soon escalates to a playful pillow fight?

Ghastly is the cuddler. It escalates because skug is adhd as hell and cannot just lie still and snuggle for long without getting bored. He needs constant stimulation. He'll sit on the counter while ghastly works and chat for hours though, swinging his legs and passing over tools when ghastly needs them

4. What is something that they gave one another that has a lot of meaning?

Ghastly makes all skug's clothes, including his armour, because he doesn't trust anyone else to keep skug safe in battle.

Ghastly has skug's signet ring, which he found in the burned down-ruins of the pleasant family home after skug was killed. For decades, it's the only thing he had left of skug - the clothes ghastly made, the scarf wifey made, and the locket with wifey and skugbab's portraits inside were all cut away and burned, and the house was razed to the ground. Skug knows he has it, but he's never asked for it back.

5. How would one another describe their partner?

Skug would either deliberately misread the question ("What, haven't you seen him? How could you miss ghastly? He's...he's this high and built like a wall.") or come out with something explicit to deter follow-up questions.

Ghastly mostly talks about how annoying skug is, but it's? Endearing to him. At this stage of their lives, he is the only person who's actually happy to listen to like, an eight hour infodump with no breaks. Skug is. A Lot to handle and society does not have the terminology for him yet.

6. Who wraps their arms around their partner as they look them in the eyes and compliments them with a goofy smile?

Ghastly. Skug, under all the vanity and egocentrism, has critically low self-esteem and very little self-worth. He's the Family Scapegoat, and got the lion's share of the abuse before he ran away, so he absolutely melts for compliments. The boy has praise kink up the wazoo. Ghastly will happily feed his ego to watch him get the smile and the sparkly eyes and puff up like a proud peacock.

7. Who loves saying ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’ or ‘my spouse’?

They don't really have this tbh? Not only is the vocabulary of the period insufficient, they see the relationship differently.

Skug is like. Anxious-avoidant attachment personified. He doesn't like to get too close. He falls in love with ghastly a long time before he's able to admit it to himself, let alone anyone else. He essentially treats their relationship like a fuckbuddies kind of deal, and he feels safe like that, because he can't be hurt by someone he doesn't care about. He can't be let down or abandoned by someone who has no commitment to him in the first place. Admitting he loves ghastly leaves him vulnerable, and if he's learned anything in his childhood, its that vulnerable people are the ones who get hurt.

Ghastly on the other hand considers skug his boyfriend, and there's no equivalent term from the 1500s. "Gentleman caller" hardly applies when you live under the same roof and share a room (and, more often than not, a bed), so nobody is calling on anyone. Privately, he thinks of skug as his lover, but he knows skug is allergic to intimacy, so he keeps that to himself for the most part.

So ghastly usually introduces skug as "this is my - this is skulduggery pleasant" and skug usually introduces ghastly as "this is my dear friend, ghastly".

8. Who always talks about how amazing their partner is when their partner isn’t there and they just light up with genuine love and happiness?

Ghastly. Skug is his first love, and he's completely lost in it. He's had crushes before, on pretty girls who only ever spoke to him to enquire after his "handsome brother", and strapping young men at market who avoided looking at him to speak to his father, but he's never felt anything like this before. He lives with skug. He sees him first thing in the morning and last thing at night, he sees him happy and depressed and drunk and furious, he kisses him and fights with him and fucks him and defends him and laughs with him and cries with him and for years and years, they're inseparable. He's? Completely unprepared for how hard he falls for skug.

9. Who loves it when their partner kisses them good morning?

Ghastly. Drowsy morning skug is snuggliest skug. He doesn't get as many snuggles as he'd like, tbh, because skug is active and easily distracted and doesn't like staying still for too long, but in the early morning is when he's most likely to be warm and cuddly and relaxed, and when he's least concerned about keeping ghastly at arms length. He'll pull skug back against his chest and he'll wiggle round to press a sleepy kiss to the corner of ghastly's mouth and tuck his head under ghastly's chin, and he'll doze off again with his hand stroking idly up and down skug's spine.

10. Who shows the other how to balance a spoon on their nose?

Ghastly.

11. Who loves to pull pranks on the other? What type of pranks do they pull and do they pull their pranks off?

Skug likes to pick up the absolute ugliest thing he can find while shopping and pretend he loves it while ghastly cringes and swears blind that he will not be seen with you while you're wearing that thing, skulduggery, so help him god. What usually happens is that skug pulls his new purchase to pieces as soon as they get home, and then gets ghastly to make it up better.

12. What is something small that they would randomly pick up for one another?

Skug taught ghastly to read, so he'd bring home books for him while he was learning and get ghastly to read to him, lying with his head in ghastly's lap and lazily correcting his pronunciation or reminding him how to sound out the words.

Ghastly doesn't have the sort of disposable income skug does, so he makes him things instead, like stylish hats with feathers in them, even though he personally hates that fashion and is delighted when it dies.

13. Who is the one who can’t stop laughing when trying to tell a joke?

Skug. Ghastly loves watching him laugh till he chokes though. He adores seeing skug happy.

14. Who would plan the other a surprise birthday party?

Ghastly. Skug is an attention whore, he loves that kind of thing. An entire event all for him? Hell yes, baby

Ghastly himself, on the other hand, is painfully insecure and selfconscious at this stage of his life, and he'd be mortified at being the centre of attention like that. Skug is a vain, arrogant dick, but he's not cruel. He wouldn't make ghastly feel bad for funsies.

15. Who picks the other person up when hugging their partner?

Ghastly picks skug up. There's not much of a height difference between them, just two inches, but teenage skug is a lanky little twink and ghastly could benchpress him, which skug is rabidly horny over. Because, you know, muscles.

Once they join the army and skug fills out and gets all lean and fit and strong, ghastly can still pick him up, but he absolutely complains that he weighs a ton now.

Adult skug can lift/mostly carry ghastly in an emergency, like if he's injured and needs to be helped back to camp or carried off a battlefield. But it's difficult, and ghastly is really too heavy for him, so picking him up isn't something he'd do for fun. Teenage skug can't pick ghastly up at all.

#skulduggery pleasant #ghasdug #sp headcanons

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typicalher · 5 years ago

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An Analysis of Will's Moral Conflict

One of the key struggles for Will throughout the show concerns his reluctance to fully embrace his darkness. I completely acknowledge that this is a struggle that he deals with throughout, but the reasons for this struggle are more complicated than him simply having too strong of a good moral compass. When you actually look carefully at Will’s pattern of behavior, what you see is that Will’s moral struggle is really more about what he thinks he should feel or possibly even what he thinks he should want to feel. It is often argued that Will struggles with his internal conflict because he also wants justice or to stop Hannibal (and himself) from killing or hurting people. If Will is fighting his darker urges because he wants to protect people then that would be valid, but this is usually not the case when you actually look at his actions and the fallout. Will’s struggles don’t actually protect anyone (in fact his indecisiveness usually leads to tragic consequences) and when others do get hurt, he doesn’t actually react with genuine guilt or even make true changes to his behavior for the better.

In the beginning of the series, we do know that Will has a desire to be normal and because he isn’t he largely hides from social interaction. At first he is also not interested in socializing or even talking with Hannibal, but once Hannibal gets him to confess to enjoying killing Hobbs and then offers him acceptance at this confession, we see Will become much more comfortable having serious and personal conversations with him. Will enjoys the acceptance that Hannibal is offering him despite admitting to enjoying taking a life. Will is still very reluctant to admit this to anyone else; however, so he does recognize that it isn’t a normal feeling for him to have despite Hannibal’s lack of judgement (and even encouragement). He tells Abigail that killing her father was the “ugliest feeling in the world,” which we know is a lie and near the end of S1 he later confesses the truth about how he felt to her.

S2 is where we really get to see Will’s struggle begin though because it is during S2 that he is much more “awake” so to speak and he actually starts actively embracing more of his darker urges and recognizing them for what they are. He is angry at Hannibal because of Abigail’s death and the betrayal of lying about his illness and framing him, as well as the death of Beverly, which eventually leads to Will sending Matthew Brown to kill him. Will does not appear to feel any regret for this attempt at murder by proxy, or the fact that he was sending someone else off to potentially be sacrificed for this cause, and when Hannibal frees him from prison shortly afterwards, he also begins to understand some of Hannibal’s motivations for his S1 actions. However, he still starts off on a plan to get revenge and presumably attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. This brings us to the question of why is Will really doing all of this. Jack certainly seems to think it is for justice, but we eventually see that Will is lying throughout the “investigation.” Will was, for instance, supposed to manipulate Hannibal into trying to kill Mason but arrest him in the act. At least that is what Will tells Jack. However, Will also doesn’t tell Jack anything about his personal connection to the Mason Verger plot and what happened to Margot. He also manipulates Mason against Hannibal, but in the end he frees Hannibal allowing him to kill his way out of Muskrat Farm. He also just ends up watching Hannibal snap Mason’s neck and doesn’t tell Jack anything about what actually happened, which is why they have to resort to the planned entrapment dinner. Based on his actions and not just on what Jack believes are his intentions, there isn’t really any indication that Will’s motivations are anything but personal. He is upset by Hannibal’s actions in S1, but he is mostly still upset about what happened to Abigail. He brings her death up to Freddie twice and questions Hannibal directly about it. Even before the rest of the FBI closes in and Will is forced to make a choice, he burns Hannibal’s psychiatric notes about him. The file even contains the real clock that Will drew when he was ill. Will burns it willingly when he could have attempted to keep it. Hannibal doesn’t seem concerned at all that Will has it in his hands. Why does he destroy valuable evidence if he wants justice? In the end, Will disregards even Abigail’s death when he calls Hannibal to warn him. Even if Will wasn’t planning to run with Hannibal when he got to the house (though we know he at least wanted to based on his later confession to Jack) he wanted Hannibal to leave. He wanted him to go free. This wasn’t about justice. It was about what had personally happened between the two of them and he was apparently okay with Hannibal leaving and going to potentially kill other people somewhere else. Later when Will is in the hospital and Chilton tells him this is his best possible world, Will imagines if he had killed Jack with Hannibal that night, which shows us that Will’s regrets over Mizumono aren’t that he failed to stop Hannibal and bring him to justice but that he didn’t commit to Hannibal sooner and that they didn’t get to go through with killing Jack together.

When we get to S3, Will’s conflict eventually shifts away from being about what Hannibal has done to hurt him and more about Will’s so called morality. This is where Will starts to get a bit more difficult to follow in terms of motivation because Will is pretty hypocritical about all of it. At the beginning of the season, Will is mourning the loss of the family that he, Hannibal, and Abigail could have been together. He is worried that Hannibal may just be playing with him, but he also wants to go to Hannibal. This is explicitly stated more than once when he talks to “Abigail” who is really just a representation of his own thoughts. At the end of the episode, he forgives Hannibal, and I think this is where we start to get a bit of a shift in Will’s conflict. Will goes to Hannibal’s childhood home, which is where he encounters Chiyoh. Will now sees someone Hannibal has “tested” and seemingly has left behind. Will was already worried in Primavera that Hannibal was simply playing with him, but now he sees someone that Hannibal was able to walk away from and he likely becomes concerned that Hannibal sees him the same way. Afterall, Hannibal gutted him and walked away and Will only has the broken heart as a sign that Hannibal hasn’t just moved on. What if Hannibal was just mocking him? Will’s insecurities are somewhat understandable here. What is telling though is how Will treats what he should logically see as another of Hannibal’s “victims.” He treats Chiyoh in a very Hannibal-like manner. He tests her to see if she will kill and she does in self-defense. While he does take the prisoner away from the castle initially, when Chiyoh screams, we get a shot of Will off in the woods. His reaction is stone cold and there is no surprise at all on his face, so he must have expected the prisoner to come back after her. Chiyoh also makes sure to call him out on his real intentions. Later when they are riding the train together, he still shows no remorse for what he did to her, and instead rather coldly questions her about taking a life. He asks her if she sees herself killing the prisoner over and over and she replies no that she sees him and his response is just to grin at her as if he enjoys the thought of what he has made her do. Later in the same episode, she states that he feels like he needs to kill Hannibal or he will become him and Will says yes. It is here that the story somewhat shifts from Will possibly wanting to go be with Hannibal again to feeling like now he needs to kill Hannibal in order to “save himself” from Becoming like him. What changed? I think Chiyoh and thinking Hannibal just saw her as disposable is part of it, but I think the fact that he was able to really forgive Hannibal for what happened between them before and Abigail is also apart of it. If Will can forgive Hannibal for killing their daughter and gutting him and still wants to go to him, what does that say about Will himself and the type of person he is? This isn’t the way normal people love. I think this realization, combined with the fear that Hannibal doesn’t really care about him, causes Will to get a bit spooked and regress in his own self-acceptance a bit. Seeing Bedelia and realizing she took his place also helped solidify this belief on his part.

However, lets look a little more closely at Will’s apparent motivation and the belief he needs to kill Hannibal for this reason. Is it to bring him to justice? Is it to stop Hannibal from killing others? No, it is all about Will and his attempts to possibly control his own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Keep in mind that at this point, Hannibal has left Will alone for eight months. He did leave the broken heart, but Will had to travel across the ocean to see that. Will is going after Hannibal; Hannibal is not going to Will. The idea that Will must kill Hannibal to stop his own dark desires is pretty illogical on Will’s part, and Chiyoh tries to point out to him that there are flaws in his thinking because she follows up by telling him there are means of influence other than violence, but this is also where Will really starts twisting himself up in knots to lie to himself. (For the record, I do think there is more to Will’s motivations than just wanting to kill Hannibal just like there was much more to Hannibal’s attempt at the head sawing. For one, I think they are both afraid of being the vulnerable one in the relationship because at this point in their relationship, there is a lot of violence, physical and emotional, between them. I also doubt Will would have gone through with it. He pulled a tiny knife in the middle of a public street and Will has never before or after this, been able to actually go through with killing Hannibal or letting anyone else do it, but I digress.) It should also be noted that Will didn’t go to Italy in the first place to attempt to bring Hannibal to justice. He goes to Italy to deal with his feelings for Hannibal just like he “resumed therapy” to deal with his feelings for Hannibal. We can see proof of this in his interaction with Pazzi who wants his help as an officer of the law to find Hannibal, and Will not only isn’t interested in really helping him, he starts to deliberately act creepy around him including taunting him by asking him if he knows whose side he is really on. When Will meets up with Jack later, even though he goes with him to the apartment where they find Bedelia, Will also slips out by himself and doesn’t tell Jack he knows where to find Hannibal, so again he sees finding Hannibal as something personal and not a matter of law enforcement.

Then we arrive at the Digestivo break up. Will is clearly exhausted during this episode. He does bite Cordell’s cheek and look to Hannibal for approval and help talk Alana into freeing them, but you can tell he is tired. This is when he tells Hannibal to leave and he doesn’t want to know where he is. Let’s break this action down. There are two valid interpretations to this: Will deliberately manipulated Hannibal into surrendering (which he later claims) or Will thought Hannibal would really leave and was surprised that Hannibal turned himself in. If Will did deliberately manipulate Hannibal into turning himself in, we can say from his later actions that he was essentially keeping Hannibal on the hook until Will was ready to return to him. Will is giving himself a break from the drama that is their relationship and giving himself some space (even though Will was the one to seek out Hannibal again and not the other way around). If Will didn’t manipulate him on purpose then Will once again is apparently fine with Hannibal leaving and killing other people. The implication then is that it would apparently be okay as long as Hannibal wasn’t killing people he knew and Will wasn’t tempted to give in to his own dark urges by being around Hannibal. Hannibal killing only seems to be an issue for Will when he is personally connected to it, and even then only to a point. The only one of Hannibal’s victims he really seems to care about is Abigail (who he forgave Hannibal for) and Beverly for a short period of time before he seemingly forgot about her entirely (and this is arguably Will being angry at Hannibal taking something else away from him. Will tends to get upset when he believes this is what Hannibal is doing. We see it with Abigail, Margot’s baby, and later when he accuses Hannibal of this concerning Molly and Walter during his conversation with Bedelia.) We can also see the way Will treats one of Hannibal’s surviving victims, Alana. Alana is manipulated by Hannibal, and unlike Will himself, is considered disposable. Alana actually does try to stop Hannibal by pulling the trigger and attempting to shoot him, but she fails. She is a victim of Hannibal’s manipulations and suffers a serious injury and almost dies because of Hannibal. And how does Will treat her? He doesn’t even want her around him. He would rather pine for Hannibal and Abigail in Hannibal’s kitchen than even talk to her. They could have come together to bond over their trauma, but instead he rejects her entirely and tells her to leave him alone. He doesn’t even have a logical reason to be so put off by her in their scene in the kitchen.

We then arrive at the Red Dragon arc where Will’s “moral conflict” reaches its most hypocritical levels. First, we have how he treats Bedelia. Will is blatantly jealous, but even setting aside his hatred of her as a potential rival, his attitude towards her is outrageously hypocritical. He was upset no one would believe him about Hannibal in the first half of S2, but he never even gives her story the benefit of the doubt for a second (even openly mocking her with his “I don’t believe you.”) He also tells her she would deserve to be eaten by Hannibal and later threatens her again in TWOTL. This is the man who tried to shoot someone in cold blood, mutilated a corpse, set someone up to kill and mutilated another corpse, and tried to help Hannibal escape at least once. Will has done more criminal acts and gotten away with them than Bedelia is even capable of doing in the first place. Remember when Will was going to be arrested for killing and mutilating Randall Tier? Apparently Will just got away with that completely once the FBI was distracted by Hannibal being the real Ripper. Bedelia has nothing on Will.

We also have Will’s family, which is often used as an example of Will trying to be a good man and resist his darkness, but let’s look at how this is presented. Parallels are actually drawn between Will choosing his family and how Dolarhyde chooses his victims. Hannibal points out that Dolarhyde is like Will and “needs a family to escape what is inside of him.” When Hannibal tells him he picked a readymade family “to serve his needs” because he knows better than to breed, Will is called out for basically having a beard family (in more than one way). It is worth noting that Will does not even try to argue with Hannibal about this, which is basically accepting the truth of the statement. Will doesn’t have a problem with calling Hannibal out when he feels he deserves it. What we are shown of Will’s relationship with Molly is also quite shallow. We have no reason to believe he has been honest about himself with her. She believes he is motivated by wanting to save lives, but as we have seen he is fine putting people in danger and doesn’t seem to care about Hannibal killing people he doesn’t care about. She also jokes about his criminal mind and he shuts the conversation down. There has been discussion about whether or not Will was purposely putting Molly and Walter in danger. I don’t think he did this consciously, but I do believe he was very selfish to use them for a “normal” life while he is essentially keeping Hannibal waiting in prison. It is also very odd that Will is supposed to be so good at reading killers, but he “doesn’t” pick up on the obvious hints Hannibal gives him about Dolarhyde coming after Molly and Walter next. By involving them, and not being honest with them, he at least was pulling them into a world they weren’t prepared for. We also never see them again after they are attacked. Will mainly seems upset that Hannibal tried to take something away from him again since that has been an issue for Will throughout their relationship and even in the scene where he confronts Hannibal about it he doesn’t even stay angry for the entire scene. (Also, the accusation that Hannibal gave Will three years to build a family just so he could take them away is pretty bizarre logic as well. Hannibal didn’t know what Will was going to do while he was in prison.) If Will actually wanted to be with them though, it is odd that this was enough to destroy the relationship. As if he wanted to live in an illusion and once the illusion is shattered he has no need for it. Some argue that Will’s motivations are to protect Molly and Walter in the finale, but if that is the case why do we never see them again? Molly is only brought up in the finale as a way for Will to try and hurt Hannibal. If Will truly cared beyond the destruction of his attempt at a normal life, then why do we not get more of a real moment between Will and Molly after the hospital scene? Instead, Will is back to focusing on the personal conflict of he and Hannibal’s relationship and the new confirmation that Hannibal is in love with him and what he feels in return and what he is going to do about it. In fact, Will was the one who decided to involve Hannibal in the case before it was even necessary. If Will believes Hannibal is so dangerous for himself and the world at large, why doesn’t he leave Hannibal to rot alone in his cell until it is absolutely necessary to interact with him? Bedelia calls him out for just missing Hannibal and wanting to see him, but you also have to wonder if Will wants to give Hannibal the chance to act in some way and get involved. Hannibal didn’t even need to know Will had a family at all for the purposes of this case, so Will agreeing with Bedelia that Hannibal was going to let Will have something knowing he could take it away is odd. The whole situation is another example of Will coming to Hannibal instead of Hannibal coming to Will. Will had to want Hannibal involved.

We then come to Chilton and Will’s role in what happens to him. Will does appear upset at seeing what happened to Chilton in the FBI office, but when we cut to him with Bedelia, the one he can be more honest with, we see a very different side of him, and when she asks if he wants to talk about it he responds with “the divine punishment of a sinner mirrors the sin being punished” and “Damned if I’ll feel.” When she asks if he has to wonder if he put Chilton at risk he says no and with a cocky eyebrow raise, he responds to her asking if she expected this to happen to Chilton by saying “I can’t say I’m surprised.” We aren’t seeing any real remorse here and after imagining himself lighting the match that burned Chilton, he easily lies to Jack in the next scene and blames it all on Hannibal, which is a deliberate attempt on his part to deflect the blame he was just taking responsibility for with Bedelia.

Will’s actions in The Wrath of the Lamb are ambiguous to a point, and there are multiple interpretations of what his intentions were. What we can say for certain is that Will lies to Jack and acts like he didn’t know Dolarhyde was alive until after the rest of them learn that news as well. He never reveals that he has already put a plot into motion involving Dolarhyde. So what is Will’s motivation? There are different options. None of them actually make Will look good or heroic at all. One interpretation is that Will has decided that too many lines have been crossed by himself and he needs to put an end to it, so he is going to have Dolarhyde kill Hannibal. If this is Will’s motivation, then it means that Will is essentially blaming giving in to his own darkness on Hannibal simply existing. Hannibal is in a cell and while he did find a way to be something of a danger thanks to Dolarhyde, that avenue is now cut off to him. It doesn’t make logical sense for Will to decide to use another serial killer to kill Hannibal because Will has given into his darkness enough to now be willing to do things like set up Chilton and not feel bad about it. If this is Will’s genuine plan, it also means he is willing to lie to Jack and the others and put many people in danger for his own personal issues. The officers escorting them are killed, and it can be easily assumed that Will helped Dolarhyde know where they would be (how else did he find out?) so that it would just be Will and Hannibal against Dolarhyde alone, which was not Jack’s plan at all. Even if Will didn’t intend for the police officers to die, he was deliberately endangering others with his plan and they die because of his manipulations. Will also shows no remorse over this (he even steals a gun off of a corpse) even though it is a much worse act than killing a family annihilator with Hannibal. If Will’s moral conflict doesn’t include caring about the lives of innocent officers, what exactly is he trying to stop himself from Becoming and how will Hannibal being dead help? The most “heroic” take on Will’s plan is that he wanted to put an end to Dolarhyde and Hannibal (and possibly himself) to end all the evil and maybe stop himself from becoming a killer. However, Will’s plan involves lying to Jack, manipulating people, and getting innocent bystanders killed. This isn’t logical and if this was Will’s conscious plan he is a hypocrite who is more concerned with saving a perception of himself that he believes should exist than actually being a hero. If Will really wanted to put an end to things, he could also have helped Jack find Dolarhyde and then turn himself in for his own crimes or had himself committed to protect others from himself. Will instead picks the most reckless and dangerous plan he could. Even his attempt at ending both he and Hannibal isn’t a full commitment to the act. There was still a gun available. He could have put a bullet in Hannibal’s brain when he was vulnerable and then ended himself. Instead, Will pushes them off a cliff that Hannibal already told him had an eroding bluff. He is leaving it up to chance, likely because he doesn’t really want to die, but he believes dying is what he should want to do. Keep in mind, this last push isn’t motivated by the fact that his plotting led to the death of several innocent people. He is motivated to do this because of how Good and Right it feels killing with Hannibal.

For the record, I believe that Will really wanted to free Hannibal and kill with him. I do think it is very possible that Will told himself his motivations were what I outlined above, but because those motivations are so illogical, I believe this was just his excuse to create a situation where he and Hannibal had to fight and kill Dolarhyde alone together because what he really wanted was that experience (after all, he tells Bedelia his plan and threatens her with Hannibal coming after her, which doesn’t make sense if he really plans for them to all be dead). However, if the above were his motivations, and Will truly wanted to let Dolarhyde kill Hannibal for him right up until the moment he couldn’t actually let it happen, then Will is someone who is willing to blame someone else for his own actions, unnecessarily endanger bystanders to “save” himself, and then attempt to use someone else for murder by proxy (again). None of that is heroic and none of that demonstrates that Will is driven by a genuine attempt to be moral. It is a surface level morality that doesn’t add up to much at all.

Even the narrative tends to tell Will that his fight to preserve his “morality” is dangerous to others. The more Will fights, the more indecisiveness he shows, the more he gets other people hurt. His insistence that he just kept lying to Hannibal (as he tells himself in Primavera) helped lead to the tragedy of Mizumono. While Hannibal is responsible for his own actions, Will is also responsible for the part he plays and his inability to pick a side until it was too late (and even then in a way ambiguous enough that Hannibal did not seem to get the message.) When Will is unsure of himself and gives into his impulses without being sure of what he wants, we end up with situations like Chilton and the unnecessary deaths in TWOTL. Will’s moral conflict never actually leads to anything good in the show, and a lot of the negative consequences are caused by Will’s inability to seemingly be honest even with himself. Will’s moral conflict is something he does struggle with, but ultimately it does not lead to him actually changing for the better or showing genuine remorse for his actions. His conflict only leads to him being more reckless and endangering even more people. It is a false conflict that is based on Will believing he should be a certain way because of society’s expectations (and it is in this that the closeted subtext makes the most sense) rather than real guilt or a desire to be good for its own sake. I do hope and believe that surviving the Fall was what Will needed to finally let go of these issues so that he can finally be happy with himself and Hannibal.

#hannibal #spoilers #will graham #meta #hannigran #hannibal lecter

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jadekitty777 · 4 years ago

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On Your Six, Chapter 7

Only one chapter left after this one! It may not get posted tomorrow though as I’m still working on it.

Day 7: Homesick for @taiqrowweek

Rating: T for this chapter, M for overall

Words: 3.5k

Summary: Qrow was what most of society would call a small-town criminal. But to those oppressed, he hoped only to be a healer. In an effort to make a change in the world, he moves from kingdom to kingdom, searching for branded omegas in need. His goal? To turn the derogatory words the reformatories forced them to bear on their skin into works of art.

Then one day, his past catches up to him in the form of Taiyang, his former best friend, with a brand of his own stained onto his skin and a plea for help in his eyes. Qrow has no choice but to answer, even if it means he’d have to face his mistakes once and for all.

[An ABO-style universe in a modern-day style Remnant. No Grimm, because people are the real monsters in this one]

Ao3 Link: On Your Feet

When Qrow was twenty, he made the biggest mistake of his life.

“You’re leaving?”

He turned away. Couldn’t stand looking at Tai, hurt and confused, knowing he was to blame for it.

Scowled, because why should he care anymore when the other hardly spared him the time?

“’Course I am.” He finally snipped, shoving more socks into a duffel. “Have you seen my face?”

He had to resist the self-conscious urge to touch the cotton bandage on the right side of his forehead, hiding the stitches holding the three-inch gash together.

The beer bottle had shattered on impact. It was a wonder he didn’t get fractures. Small miracles. Though he was pretty sure some memories had been knocked askew because most of the night was a haze. He was only certain of the things that had become routine at that point: coming home to crack open a few with his old man while they watched prime time television and bitched about the state of things. An argument started, over what he couldn’t say, and Qrow never saw the swing coming before he was out cold on the floor.

When he woke up, it was with the hard realization it was time to get out.

Too bad his best friend didn’t get the memo. Tai perched on the edge of his bed as he had a thousand times before, pressing on, “But to the capital city? You don’t have to go so far.”

“Tch. You got any better ideas?” The hangers rattled against one another as he yanked down more shirts.

“Why not stay with me and Rae? We can make room.”

That made him pause, looking over. “Why?”

“Why not?” Was the simple counter as if it were as simple as that. Then, Tai rose his hand to his stomach, fondness smoothing his features, “Besides, then you’ll be close when the baby comes along.”

Fucking, of course. The rush of fury that flooded his system was white-hot, jealousy snapping at the end of every nerve. “So you get yourself knocked up and suddenly it’s my problem?”

“W-What?”

An alarm went off in the back of his head, trying to tell him to pull back – but the words were already leaving his mouth, spiteful and petty and mean, “I’m not sticking around to be your damn nanny. If you can’t handle it, then maybe you shoulda kept your damn legs shut.”

The reaction was instantaneous, Tai immediately on his feet, both taken aback and furious, “Qrow, what the hell?! I brought it up because I figured you’d want to be involved in your niece or nephew’s life! Not-” He threw his hands up. “Whatever the hell you’re implying.”

He knew he was way out of line, but any guilt he had was being held down by a vitriolic sludge of grief and regret that had been leaking, unchecked, out of his broken heart the day he learned Tai and Raven had bonded. An ache that had chipped away at his stability until there was nothing left but a hurricane of outrage and wrath inside him. Thing about hurricanes was, when they blew in, their only purpose was to destroy everything in their path.

That’s how Qrow felt now as he stalked towards the omega, venom spitting out of his throat, “Oh cut the virtuous bullshit already. I was in the hospital for two days. Sure didn’t bother to visit me then. But now that you need something, you come knocking?”

“I came here because I was worried about you!” Tai’s voice rose. “Raven didn’t tell me-”

“Oh-ho-ho there it is. Raven didn’t tell you. Far be it for you to check in on your own best friend once and awhile, huh?” He spat. “Or maybe I’m just the idiot here. Are we even friends anymore?”

This close, he could smell the souring in the other’s scent, his distress palpable. “Of course we are. The only one not acting like one right now is you. Look, I’m sorry about what happened and I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. And I get that your mad but you don’t get to take it out on me, alright?”

“You don’t get it! That’s not what this is about!”

“Then what is it about?!”

Qrow opened and shut his mouth nothing coming out. A coward, even when he’d already lost his chance. He spun away with a snarl so Tai couldn’t see the well of emotion in his eyes, storming to the other the side of the room and kicking his desk hard enough the back of it hit the wall. “Fuck!”

He was so tired of this. Of being unhappy and angry all the time. Of having any and every little thing set him off because it seemed like everything nowadays just made him irritated or sad. When was the last time he’d gone out just for fun? When was the last time he’d laughed?

Qrow buried his head in his hands, disgusted with himself over how close he was to tears. “I hate this.”

“Qrow…”

He heard footfalls behind him, then Tai’s scent was all around him. It was a natural omega response, the cloying sweetness surrounding the air meant to comfort and soothe when emotions were running too high, much like a purr.

It only made him feel worse.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here for you, okay?” Tai’s hand rested onto his shoulder. “Just tell me what I can do to help.”

Qrow couldn’t take this anymore. “You want to help? Then get out.”

“But-”

He knocked the other’s hand away and whirled, his tone shifting into a growl as he pushed his own alpha influence outwards, “I said Leave!”

It was almost disturbing, seeing the way the omega stumbled back, eyes wide, a bit of a tremor in his knees. Usually, the reaction wasn’t so extreme, especially when they were already in the middle of a fight, but he’d never growled at Tai before. Around him, sure – especially if he and Raven were having one of their sibling moments, then the dominance display tended to be a given.

But never at him. It was like he’d broken some sort of unspoken rule.

Try as he might, Tai’s voice shook when he spoke, clearly rattled, “Is that really what you want?”

Some of the guilt finally started to puncture through but it was too little, too late.

“Yes. I can’t deal with this right now.” He looked away. “Just, go. Please.”

A tense, silent few moments passed. Then finally, resigned, Tai said, “Alright then.”

Yet as he headed for the door, he hesitated in the threshold. Stopped to look back, hoping to convey something more than just words.

Years later, Qrow still regretted never meeting his eyes.

“Just, remember I’m here when you need me Qrow. Call when you’re ready, okay?”

He never did.

They were sitting at the table, mugs in either hand. It felt like a mirror image of that very first day six months ago, except this time it was Qrow who couldn’t look up.

“That’s why you were so distant back then.” Tai finally said, an undercurrent of something in his voice that he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

Qrow swallowed hard. “Yeah.” His fingers clutched his cup harder. “I know I should have said this back then but… I’m so sorry.”

“Oh Qrow. I forgave you a long time ago.”

He head jerked up, mouth agape. “What?”

Tai’s smile was gentle. “I knew something was going on with you. You’d been weird ever since we graduated. And when I found out you were moving away, I figured it was because you’d been feeling lost. I was so frustrated because I didn’t know how to help you.” He ran a hand over the back of his neck. Now Qrow could see what he hadn’t before: regret. “I just never put the pieces together that I was the problem.”

“You weren’t-! I mean…” He grimaced. It was time to stop lying. “Yeah. Being around you was killing me. I needed to get away, from everything. It wasn’t until I was entirely alone, I started to get my head back together. Took even longer to admit to myself that it was my fault things fell apart because I was too busy wallowing in self-pity to see anyone else. By that point, it had been so long, I didn’t feel like I could go back.” He sighed. “I’m a real moron. If I had just been honest with you, maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way they had. No matter what though, it doesn’t excuse the things I said.”

“Oh yeah, you were a total dick.” His friend laughed. “But take it from a guy who’s had his heart broken twice now: sometimes when you’re hurting that much, you’ll often be left with the ugliest side of yourself.”

Qrow arched a brow. “Oh yeah? What’s ugly Tai look like?”

“I think the way my dad put it was ‘robotic’.” Tai rubbed at a sharpie mark on the table as if he was trying to erase the black marks on his own life. “If it wasn’t sorrow or anger, then I didn’t really feel anything at all. It was all just numb to me and it made everything else feel like a chore. Even the littlest things, like showering or eating, were just too much. Some days, I even struggled to get out of bed. Heh.” His shoulders slumped. “It was pathetic.”

He supposed there was something to be said about being the person watching the show instead of being the one playing the part. “Hey, if I’m allowed to skip off to an entirely different continent, then you can stay in bed for a few extra hours.”

“Okay, you got me there.” He conceded. “Still, I can’t imagine how long I would have been stuck like that if it weren’t for my girls giving me the strength to move forward.”

“Well I’m glad you have them.” Qrow said, and for the first time, he knew he was saying it with full sincerity. A sense of calm had fallen over him, one he’d never felt before.

After his rut had happened a few weeks ago, he’d thought things would have grown awkward between them. Unbearable, even, now that the truth was out in the open.

As always, Tai surprised him as Qrow had started to stumble over himself to make amends.

(“I don’t even know where to start. There’s a lot you probably want to know.”

“There is. But that doesn’t mean you have to tell me.”

“W-What? But you said…”

“I was wrong. Especially when I… accidentally forced that confession out of you.”

“…”

“Look, just because these are your feelings for me, doesn’t suddenly mean I have ownership of them. Whatever you want to tell me, you do it in your own time. And if you never want to speak of this again, then we won’t.”

“Then, we’re… okay?”

“Yeah. Absolutely.”)

True to his word, Tai never pushed after that day. Qrow waited for the tension to grow, for something to give. But it never did – and he started to think maybe those over-dramatics only happened in sitcoms and romantic dramas.

Whatever it was, the blissful return to normalcy gave Qrow the breathing space he needed to come to terms with his secret being out. Eventually, the stories came next. Not everything, of course. Some things were just too locked into his heart to give away. Still, the more he did share, the better he felt. No longer did he have to hold in his feelings, never giving them a chance to resolve and leaving turmoil in his heart. Now, he could finally look forward without a ‘what if’ hanging over him.

Maybe he’d never have the life he always dreamed about with Tai. No house with a gaggle of pups running around the yard. No coming home to the omega’s smile being his and his only. But at least he’d always have this. A friendship that had lasted through the ages and against the odds. That had weathered the worst storms and built up stronger after they’d passed. That’s foundation remained strong with the support and care they both gave to one another.

He’d always love Tai. On that, he had little doubt. But it was these past few months that really taught him what it meant to truly love someone. It wasn’t a trade-off. To give something so precious with only the expectation of an exchange for the same in return cheapened the value.

Love was a gift. An offering freely handed over with no intent beyond the desire to see the happiness it provided.

After bearing witness to one of Tai’s lowest points, he’d discovered just how integral that latter part was. He would move mountains and rearrange the stars if it meant bringing that smile back onto Tai’s face.

Even if those mountains being moved were just pictures on a phone and the stars were being moved by a needle-tipped pen that spread an aurora of color over the dark sky.

Qrow finished his tea, getting to his feet. “Alright, story time’s over. Let’s get the last one finished up.”

The buzzing that had permeated the space between them for months on end stopped for the final time.

Qrow set the needle aside, giving the tattoo its finally look over. Made sure every line was in place, every color perfect, every shade drawn.

It was with a heavy heart he realized there was nothing left to do, nothing left to add, nothing left to say except, “It’s done.”

“Really?” Tai turned his head, still trying to mimic an owl after all this time.

“Yep.” He snapped a shot with his scroll. “Take a look.”

The device was handed over, Tai sitting up as he gave it a critical scan. “It’s perfect.” He decided, but his smile was weak.

“You don’t look happy about it.”

“It’s not that. It really is everything I wanted.” He assured, stronger than before. He thumbed at the edge of the scroll, shoulders falling some. “I’m just sad. I’m going to miss this.”

Qrow rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the anchor in his own chest. Before things could get too gloom and doom though, he insisted, “Well hey, don’t go sobbing into my pillow yet until you see what I brought for a celebration.”

“Qrow you know you shouldn’t be buying frivolous things-” Tai cut himself off as Qrow whipped open the nightstand drawer, pulling out two perfectly round, prepackaged cupcakes. “Except those.”

He laughed, tossing Tai one and sliding from the recliner onto the bed beside him. It felt just like old times, tearing into the plastic and taking that first, overly sugary bite of chocolate and frosting. It reminded him of grand adventures on the playground and binge fests during movie marathons and sleepovers.

Qrow chanced a glance over. “So, Friday’s the day?”

“Yeah.” He replied, nibbling a ring around the cupcake like the weirdo he was, saving the vanilla crème filling for last. “I’m… pretty nervous.”

He pressed his shoulder against Tai’s. “Hey. It’s fine. You’re gonna be fine. And just think, once you pass those bastards final eval, you’re going to be getting your kids back.”

That brought his smile back in full. “Yeah. You’re right. Besides,” He nudged him back, “You’ll finally get to meet them.”

Qrow’s lungs shriveled up in his chest, leaving only enough air for a quiet, “Guess so.”

“I know the girls are just gonna love you.”

“Maybe.” He cleared his throat, snapping, “And will you finish eating already? You’re getting crumbs all over my bed!”

“Sorry!”

They finished up their treats – but any sweetness left in Qrow’s was gone.

It was rather remarkable, how much two men could stall against the inevitable. It was pushing nearly one in the morning by the time they were shuffling towards the door, both of them trying to hide yawns.

“Maybe I should just stay over again?” Tai suggested.

Qrow rolled his eyes. “And have you trigger another rut? No thanks.”

“Oh, it’s my fault. I see how it is.” All things considered it probably had been. Between the unintentional courting with homemade dinners and the two of them sharing the bed, it really was just a recipe for disaster.

Still, it was nice to joke about it. “Glad to see you’re taking responsibility. More seriously though, no need to risk things when you’re so close to the finish line.”

“Yeah. Guess you’re right.” He mimed a phone to his ear. “I’ll keep you in the loop. And hey, when me and the girls head back to Patch, maybe you can come with us. Start working out of there for a while.”

There it was. The conversation he’d been trying to avoid all night. He shifted on his feet, trying to remain ambivalent, “I mean, maybe. I still have a lot of clients here I’m finishing up with.”

But Tai hadn’t been his best friend for two decades not to see through his bullshit. Most of it, at least. “Qrow. Don’t you dare.”

“I-”

Before he could even try, Tai was clutching onto his forearms, tone frantic, “You were gonna disappear, just like before, weren’t you?”

“That’s not exac-”

Just as quickly, he was hopping back, holding up his hands placatingly. “Wait, it’s me again, right? Whatever it is, we can talk it out. Right now, if you want.”

“Tai-”

“I know that’s not really fair, but, look. I’ll do whatever you want in return for it. Just please. Don’t do this to me again. I can’t lose you too.”

Qrow watched as Tai struggled and lost the fight against tears, a prevalent reek of fear becoming known. It only occurred to him right then that after so many losses, maybe his friend was starting to develop a serious issue with separation anxiety. He ran a hand over his face, grumbling, “I’m such an ass.” Before walking forward and catching the other in a tight hug.

Those powerful arms hugged back so hard, it nearly broke his sternum. “I-I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry.” He buried his fingers into blond hair. “I should have talked to you about this before.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, pulling back enough to look up at him. He reached around, thumbing away some tears. “I’m not trying to run off again, I swear. But this isn’t exactly a ‘day until I retire’ job. It’s a ‘only a matter of time’ one. If I stay close to home, then you’d probably be tagged as an accomplice.” He met his gaze, resigned and resolute. “I’m not going to put you through losing your children a second time.”

Somehow, that only seemed to make Tai cry more. “Why are you so fair to everyone but yourself?”

“Heh. Guess the privileged lifestyle never suited well.” He joked weakly. “Look, I ain’t dropping off the face of the planet. I’ll keep in touch, promise. And visit, when I can. So can you cut it with the waterworks? You know I’m awful with ‘em.”

Tai sniffed, stepping back so he could dab at his eyes with his sleeve. “Only ‘cause you don’t want to cry too.”

“Semantics.” Qrow waved off.

“And you better keep that promise, or I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll but I’ll do it!”

He crossed an X over his heart. “I will. Even if they threaten to scratch out my eyes.”

“Good.” Tai nodded, seemingly satisfied. “I… guess I better get going.”

“Probably want some sleep to handle that tromp of monsters tomorrow.”

The omega gave him a light jab. “Rude. I’ll talk to you soon, eh?”

“You’ve got my number.” Qrow replied, as the other opened the door, only to hesitate. His fingers started to nervously tap along the doorknob’s surface. “Tai?”

“Qrow I-” He spun around, another sharp spike to his scent. “I want you to know that I… I…”

Qrow breathed in a bit, confused as he recognized the hint of anxiety. Was he still that worried? “Youuu?” He urged gently.

The tapping increased, as did the scent. Then Tai shook his head, smiling brightly, “Just that I’m… really proud of you.”

“E-Eh?” Okay, now he was really lost.

“What you’re doing, you have no idea the impact you’re having. It’s changing lives.” He placed a hand on his shoulder. “It certainly changed mine.”

Qrow felt his face flame up, flustered as he tried to duck his head. “Dude, I can’t do this at one in the morning.”

“You need me to tell you again at noon?”

“No!”

Tai burst into chuckles. “I just wanted you to know that.” The hand squeezed gently. “And how glad I am you’re part of my life.”

“Okay, okay. I get the point.” He pat his wrist placatingly. “I love you too, now please stop trying to cause an aneurysm.”

That caused another puzzling spike, Tai’s second laugh more jittery. “Ah what’s the fun in that?” Nevertheless, he did pull back, stepping out. “I’ll see you ‘round.” With a final wave, he started off down the hall.

“See ya.” He called after.

As Qrow shut the door, he couldn’t shake the lingering sense that he had missed something.

#qrow branwen #taiyang xiao long #Taiqrow #taiqrowweek #rwby #fanfiction #Chase Firekitten's Tale

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hyukiee · 4 years ago

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Chapter 1: Destiny

warnings: cussing, drug use, mental illness (future fluff, smut, angst, etc.)

this is my first story i’m writing on tumblr, I hope y’all like it. I’ll probably update once or twice a week. I plan on this not so lovely love story to be pretty long.. and angsty. Enjoy :)

Dreams are one of the most unknown things we experience, yet no one questions our lack of knowledge about them when we lay in bed at night. Not everybody dreams. Some people only dream when their happy... or sad... or scared... or it just happens every blue moon for no reason at all. You dream every day, to the point where you feel a little depressed if you don’t have one. They never take you to wonderland, their never right, something is always off but you liked them anyways. They gave you an escape from reality, until reality started showing up in your dreams. The reality that you’re slowly killing yourself when really this was supposed to be the peak of your existence. The reality that you literally gave the most handsome man you’ve ever seen, the ugliest look in downtown Hollywood and the reality that you know you will ruin his life or get close to it.

‘That stupid fucking asshole, I can’t believe that no good piece of shit left me to fend for myself. It’s so fucking hot. Fuck off Karen, my face is easier to look at than that awful sweater. Fuck. I need to sit down.’ You stopped walking and you look at yourself through the reflection of some enterance to a cafe, it smells like. Jesus christ, those eye bags look like black eyes. You went to your closest friends party the other night, you didn’t want to go so that explains the oversized grey hoodie and grey sweats that... have dirt on them? How the fuck- you know what, you’ve seen worse. You can’t go inside the cafe looking like this though. The shady floor will do for now. Everyone is wearing work clothes so you must of slept through all of Sunday. Alone. Because your dick head of a friend abandoned you, god knows when but for someone that slept through an entire day, you’re tired. Maybe it’s just the mental exhaustion you live with but god you could use a nap. “E-eguse me ehm here you go,” you look up and see the most perfectly built man you have ever seen, holding a.. $10 bill? You unknowingly glare at him after noticing his arm holding out the money to you. He looked nervous, and foreign as fuck what accent is that? “I’m not homeless, fuck off.” Who the fuck is he to assume your homeless? Cant someone sit in piece for a little? Prick. You stood up, hitting his shoulder as you walked away, not ever looking back at his beautiful face.

Wake up, go to the beach, take a xans, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep, and wake up to repeat the process. You always hated living by a constant schedule, but at this point you do anything you can to hurt yourself. The weekends are different though, its always spontaneous. Will you snort a line with the crackheads down the street or will you go to a party because you know the college kids adore their new interest in drugs? You really don’t need drugs. You’re fine. Depression put you in this place and god you feel like a coward. People go through so much more and stay away from drugs. Coward. Your thoughts consist of things like this often, even when your supposed to be hearing your idiot friends excuse for abandoning you last week. “Y/n, seriously, I could of sworn you were dead.” “Wow, thanks Julian, i’ll make sure to leave your lifeless body instead of calling 911 like a sane person when I get the chance.” You both rolled your eyes in sync. You loved Julian, he’s such a dumbass but despite saying he’s your closest friend, your hardly friends. You met before you dropped out of college, he was your dealer, one of the nicest ones you’ve met. You ran into him often and bought from him often as well so you would talk but the reality is he only stays because you’re his best costumer and you frankly don’t care because you are too lost to even care about someone else.

“Y/n, I think you should lay back on your habits a little bit,” Julian broke the silence you both had on the pier. You both liked to meet up at the pier and smoke a little. “Oh please, don’t act like you care. Drop the act and be a fake friend to me, please,” you spoke unemotionally, making eye contact with him. “I’ve never met someone asking for a fake friend.” “Real ones require you to love and deal with them. I can’t do that for you Julian but I know that’s not what you wanted anyways. I practically pay your rent, just thank me and change the topic.” He sighed. Not a disappointed one, a relived one. Julian has been a dealer for a very long time, he stopped caring about his costumers decisions. He didn’t truly care for your health, it was the sad truth. He did get worried that night at his party but only because he isn’t heartless. You knew that though, you seemed so lifeless and incapable of feeling anything to him. He wondered about your story at times but he knew somehow he would never get it. You’re easy to talk to though, it’s nice. “Thank you.”

Ever since you were little you wanted to live in a big city like L.A. Although, you imagined you would be going to UCLA and going to study on a beach just because you could. Standing next to Julian in line at Coachella, you just now take in how completely different your life turned out but at least you did end up here. Julian gets into Coachella for free every single year so your always his +1. You love gatherings like this but this one is just a little too Pg for you. You always end up spending most of your time at the food trucks. But according to Julian, ‘so many people would kill to be around this many celebrities’ so maybe you could get a drink or two in and mingle or whatever. It won’t kill you. So here you are, waiting to get a margarita because god knows you can’t be any type of social while sober. “I guess you weren’t homeless after all, my apologies,” you turn around and see the beautifully built man leaning down towards you. You could run. You’re not to far from the exit and it would be impossible to run into this guy for a third time... right? “Are you following me?” That was supposed to stay in your thoughts.. Is he though? How the hell do you see each other in two different cities? Sure, everyone knows about Coachella but how does he recognize you, you look good today, not homeless or drugged up, whichever works. “Ah, sorry, my english bad,” He stood up straight rubbing his hand on the back of his neck nervously. Right. Foreigner with a unknown accent. “What language do you speak?” It’s not like you’re going to understand his language but your curiosity is getting the best- “Korean.” You know it really isn’t too late to run. This man could be lying, trying to kidnap you and sex traffic you. What are the chances he just happens to speak the one other language you do as well. He could be faking this for all you know. “Hello,” You haven’t spoken in Korean since high school. You dont know why you even let that out. “You speak Korean? Wow, hello!” He bowed to you slightly with a box like smile on his face. That’s cute. It’s different. “I really am sorry for mistaking you the other day, do you mind me asking what happened?” “I was on a lot of drugs at a party and my friend abandoned me because he thought I overdosed.” You learned a long time ago to leave your addiction to yourself. People look at you differently when you do drugs, even your closest friends. That’s one of the first lessons you learn as a drug addict, keep it to yourself. The only people that know you do drugs are the ones that do them too. You could of lied to him, but the self destructive part of you couldn’t help but push this stranger away. You turned around to look at him after it got awkwardly silent. “What? You surprised? Scared? No harsh feelings, I don’t even know you.” You held in a laugh from his shocked and awkward expression. “Your right, we don’t know each other, I’m Taehyung,” He held out his hand replacing his taken aback expression back to his box-y smile, pretending what you said just never happened. ”Y/n,” You sighed. He won’t give up whatever this is. Fantastic. “Well actually, i’m supposed to be talking with famous people or something like that so I should get going,” You didn’t know how to get out of this situation. You felt like you couldn’t breathe with him standing so close to you. This conversation gets more and more awkward everytime you speak. “Then why are you leaving?” You both stared at each other, surprisingly not awkwardly. It was comforting looking into his eyes. “What? “You know what, I actually should go before i’m late, i’ll see you later,” he gave you one last smile and patted your shoulder before leaving you. “But- Why? What?”

“I just had the most uncomfortable conversation of my life with this insanely perfect looking man,” you spoke almost out of breath, finally finding Julian in the crowd. “Yeah, i’m pretty sure I saw who you’re talking about when I left you,” Julian is such an old soul. He responded while looking ahead at the stage, almonds in one hand like a football dad. “Who’s performing next” “Uh, BTS.” You hardly listen to music these days. Music that doesn’t fit your ‘fuck life, love drugs’ aesthetic. BTS doesn’t ring a bell so you probably won’t like it but it’s not like you have anything else to do, you’ve had enough with weird interactions. “Remind me why we’re sober,” you sighed, starting to feel the pain from standing for so long. “I’m sober, you’re drunk.” Julian glanced at the margarita in your hand. Right, you almost forgot. “Oh, don’t judge-“ “Sh sh sh their coming.” He hit your shoulder a couple of time looking at the stage like a child. You hate when people tap on you it’s so annoying. You sighed for the one thousandth time and focused on the group of people coming to the stage. Asians, how convenient. You know if life really hated you they would be Korean just like- “Ey, isn’t that the ‘insanely perfect looking man’ you were talking about? I can’t tell.” You have got to be kidding. That’s why he asked why you were leaving. He’s fucking famous. “I need another drink,” You sighed.

#bts #fanfic #kpop #bts angst #taehyung smut #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #kpop fanfic #bts fluff

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victoriaholmeswriting · 5 years ago

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Emergency Christmas Protocol

Secret Santa Fanfic 2019

Merry Christmas, @grangertrix! Hope you enjoy!!!

Read it on AO3!

Rating: T

Words: 1094

(Y/N) opened her eyes to find Steve sitting in a chair beside the infirmary bed and Tony leaning against the wall in front of her. Both men wore solemn expressions.

Alarmed, she tried to sit up too quickly. Her head suddenly felt like it was splitting in half, black spots momentarily clouding her vision. Steve caught her by the shoulders as she pressed the heel of her palm between her brows.

“Easy,” he said in a soft voice. He piled her pillows up and carefully helped her lean back against them. “How’s that?”

“Better,” she replied, accepting the water glass he handed her. As she took a sip, her eyes locked with Tony’s. This whole time, Steve had tried to smile at her. He was terrible at lying, but at least he was putting in some effort.

Not Tony. He was an exceptional liar, but he made no effort to do so.

She suddenly became very aware of the absence of any nurses in the room.

“What’s wrong?” she demanded. The question was aimed at Tony, but he dropped his gaze to the floor.

Gently taking her hand, Steve explained in the comforting voice he used when she was upset -- or was about to be. “The thing is, (y/n) -- while there is nothing seriously wrong with you -- you hit your head pretty hard on that last mission.”

She gave him a deadpan look. “You know, somehow, I’d kinda figured that part out.”

It took everything Tony had not to laugh, but the knowledge of what Steve was warming up to kept him quiet.

Steve sighed. “Yes, well, it unfortunately means you can’t go anywhere for awhile. I’m sorry, (y/n). But- but you can’t go home for Christmas.”

(Y/N)’s heart sank. She looked back and forth between them, desperately hoping that one of them would say it’s a joke. That she could go home to where she grew up. Go to the square to see the big Christmas tree and listen to the carolers, just like she had done every year since she was a little girl.

But she knew they weren’t.

She wanted to scream and yell and cry. To argue and beg them to find a way.

But she didn’t. There was no point. They wouldn’t be here, breaking the news to her with such pain and empathy in their eyes, if there was any other way.

So she didn’t make a sound.

Only the silent tears running down her face and the increased beeping of the monitor gave her away.

She vaguely registered alarm on Steve and Tony’s faces as two nurses rushed into the room.

Tony watched on, jaw clenched, as they shooed Steve away from the young hero, who's eyes silently screamed. They gave her a mild sedative and laid her back down on the bed.

“Come on, Tony,” Steve said, holding the door open.

Throwing his hands in his pockets, he left the room.

Steve shut the door behind them. “I wish there was something we could do,” he sighed.

“There is. Follow me.” Tony tapped the communicator on his wrist. “FRIDAY, Emergency Christmas Protocol: tell everyone that’s here to meet me in the common room in ten minutes.”

“What’s your plan?” Steve asked, ready to do anything her best friend had in mind to bring a smile to her face.

“She can’t go home for Christmas, so we’re going to bring Christmas to her.”

~ ~ ~

Several hours later, (y/n) was woken up by a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“(Y/N)?” a familiar voice called through the fog of dissipating sleep meds. Tony waited as her eyes flickered open and she got her bearings.

“Tony? What is it?” her words were slow and slightly slurred.

Knowing she probably wasn’t in the mood for him to be his usual smartass-self, he filtered out all the retorts that immediately came to mind. “Come on. I need to show you something.”

She rolled her eyes, pulling the blanket up to her chin. “I’m not in the mood.”

Tony shook his head. “Trust me, (y/n), when I tell you you’re not gonna want to miss this. Now, come on!”

“Tony!” she whined.

“I swear to god, I will carry you over my shoulder, if you don’t get your stubborn ass up!” When she didn’t immediately get up, he sighed, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

She jumped up as he took hold of her blanket. “Okay, okay! You win!” she laughed.

Throwing on her jacket and sneakers and tying her hair into a messy bun, she went with Tony into the hallway. He put an arm around her shoulders to guide her and keep her steady.

“I promise, you’re going to love it! In fact, you’re cry and proceed to thank me endlessly for the next 10 years.” His grin grew wider when she rolled her eyes again.”

“Is that so, Mr. Humble?” she chuckled.

He shrugged, still grinning, as he opened the doors to the common room. “You tell me.”

(Y/N) gasped as Tony ushered her inside.

Red, green, and white fairy lights hung all over the room. Tinsel garland outlined the fireplace mantle, where seven red stockings adorned with the Avengers’ insignia hung. A lavish ball of mistletoe hung from the light in the middle of the room. And right there, against the frosty windows, was an enormous Christmas tree all decked out in lights, ornaments, candy canes, and a gorgeous star.

Steve, Natasha, Vision, Wanda, and Pepper stood around the room -- each wearing the ugliest Christmas sweater the nearest convenience store had to offer -- watching her reaction to their hard work with excited anticipation.

“Tony rallied us together to pull this off,” Wanda explained. She walked over and handed her an equally ugly Christmas sweater with Santa wrapping Rudolph in lights -- that actually lit up! “He picked this one out for you.”

(Y/N) looked around at Tony in disbelief. Completely at a loss for words, she waited for him to say something.

He shrugged, “Couldn’t let you spend Christmas alone. We Avengers stick together. Or something cheesy like that…. Let’s have some music!”

She giggled at his awkwardness while Steve put a Bing Crosby vinyl on the record player. “Thank you, Tony!” she said, kissing his beet-red cheek. “Thank you all so much!”

Replacing her jacket with the sweater, she and Tony joined the others.

That whole night, she laughed and celebrated the holiday with them, thankful beyond words for her best friend and the wonderfully weird family she’d stumbled into.

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jcmorrigan · 5 years ago

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Epithet Half-Baked!

I saw through @selfshipimagines that @nougatships is having a Yuletide F/O event...and I know I’m kind of a flighty, shadowy entity in this community, but I do like to write, and thought, what the hey, this’ll be fun. So here I come out of nowhere to contribute a thing.

The F/O? Giovanni Potage from Epithet Erased. The S/I? Rachel Scribere - mundie, writer of much fanfiction, independent contractor supervillainous minion who has also given up on adulting. (Most of those things apply to me IRL!) I decided to go with something a little on-the-nose for the “catering” theme and write about the two of us trying to arrange party food - expect much food talk and many headcanons (e.g. I see Gio as ace, even though that may not end up being Word of God). For optimal results, please listen to the Mariah Carey/MCR mashup “Welcome to the Christmas Parade” while reading this. Not to mention that song will change your life anyway. (Freeman DNI unless you’re going to get the name of the band CORRECT)

***

I wouldn’t say Christmas was my favorite holiday, because it really wasn’t. Nor would Giovanni ever say Christmas was his favorite holiday, because he wanted to look like a cool guy who didn’t care about Christmas. That said, when our invitation arrived in the mail, neither of us needed to do much cajoling to get the other to agree to attend as a plus-one. Almost immediately, we’d begun work on what we were going to wear to the occasion.

Well, to be fair, Giovanni was doing most of the work in that department. I’m still trying to figure out how a needle and thread even works for something besides a dangerous impromptu sushi fork. I did play a role in the design of my formal wear, however – a full-skirted red-and-green gown that served the purpose of making me look like the princess of Christmas and thereby able to pass laws banning the repeated playing of “Jingle Bell Rock” more than three times per night. As for Giovanni, he was dead set on creating the World’s Ugliest Christmas Sweater, and boy, did it ever deserve that capitalization. I don’t have the words to you to describe properly the conglomeration of non-coordinating colors and mismatched winter-holiday symbolism that went into that monstrosity. Which basically meant we were going to be the two best-dressed people in attendance.

However, that still left the important factor: the catering aspect. This was essentially a potluck, and as much as we would have loved to skim off everyone else’s hors d’ouevres and pretend we “dropped” ours on the way there, eventually, our need to show off our cooking skills combined with my compulsion to contribute to community activities won out over the dark side of our consciences.

My first mistake was going into that kitchen with no idea what Giovanni was planning on making. Me? I was set on a hot-chocolate-and-marshmallow cake. Festive and full of my two favorite flavors! Not to mention I’d baked in the past as a hobby, though it had, admittedly, been a while. I was actually rather looking forward to this.

“So, Composer,” Giovanni asked as I set up my laptop, “can we expect any musical entertainment?”

“Damn right,” I said as I clicked through playlists.

“Just please tell me you’re not gonna stick us with three hours of Christmas music bullshit.”

“Oh, trust me. We are going to get enough of that at this party.” I set off a rather jaunty emo-pop number with guitars that were just obnoxious enough.

“Oh, yeah,” Giovanni cried, “this is PERFECT! Totally captures our debonair yet badass essence. THIS is why I let you pick the car music.”

I gave him a playful bow. “Okay. Let’s do this thing.”

I began rounding up my ingredients: flour, sugar, cocoa powder, et cetera, et cetera…

“Done.”

Wait…”What?”

I had only just gotten my ingredients lined up on the counter, yet Giovanni was leaning over the other edge of the island, elbows on the countertop and head in his hands to give me a playfully innocent look, as an enormous pot of something steaming, golden, and tantalizingly scented sat before him.

I peered into the vessel, making note of the contents. “Is this…butternut squash soup?”

“You know it.”

“…You made soup.”

“Is there a…problem with that?”

“Your Epithet is literally soup.”

“Aaaaaand…?”

I marched around to shake my index finger at him on every word: “You. Fucking. CHEATED.”

He rose, pointing right back at me: “I’m. The. BAD GUY. So I don’t care!”

I gave my eyes a sufficiently dramatic roll. “You realize this is gonna take me like two hours.”

“I’ll watch.”

“You could at least help. You’re good with this stuff, you know.”

“Hmm…” Giovanni pretended to think it over. “No, don’t think I will.”

“I hate you.”

“That’s too bad, because I love you a lot, Composer.”

I blushed, then muttering “IloveyoutooandIdon’thateyouandIwasjustkidding.” Quickly followed up with “Okay, I’m gonna start doing this shit BY MYSELF, then.”

Baking an entire cake with your boyfriend just smugly staring at you is…an experience. Not a bad experience. But an experience. Still, I thought I was on a good track so far. Until it came to the electric mixer.

As a disclaimer, I stated, “It’s been a while. I’m a little rusty.”

“It’s just an electric mixer.” He shrugged. “Even I couldn’t screw up – I mean even SOME LOSER LIKE SYLVIE couldn’t screw up using it.”

Well, now the pressure was on. I flicked the appliance to life, dipping it into a pool of eggs suspended in buttermilk, and immediately plunged into chaos. The thing about electric mixers is that they are an extreme balancing act. Too far down into the bowl, and the blades will make a horrible grinding noise against the bowl bottom, making a catastrophizer like me worry about glass shards ending up baked into the dough. However, it is very important that if this happens to you, you do not do what I did and overcompensate by yanking the still-spinning blades out of the bowl, thereby splattering eggs and buttermilk all over yourself.

As I was attempting to figure out damage control, I became acutely aware of Giovanni trying to hide an absolute fit of giggles. “You know,” I growled, “this wouldn’t HAPPEN if you would HELP me.”

I absolutely did not want him to help me. See, I have an inferiority complex the size of the sun, and even that feels weird to say, since it’s admitting I actually possess a large quantity of anything. I wanted to make this monster cake my goddamn self, and I wanted him to be fucking impressed. Still, I was pretty sure if I didn’t ask for his help, I would just end up with some kind of inedible toxic waste.

I wasn’t sure if he was just playing coy or if he knew me all too well when he said “No. Don’t feel like it.”

“Come on!”

“Composer, this is YOUR time to shine! I’m not getting in the way of YOUR masterpiece blowing away the competition?”

“…Gio, it’s not a com – “

“OF COURSE IT’S A COMPETITION! EVERY POTLUCK IS A COMPETITION! WHY ELSE HAVE EVERYONE BRING DISHES OF VARYING QUALITY IF NOT TO DETERMINE THE SUPREME CHEF AT THE PARTY?”

Well, if it meant somebody might think of me as supreme chef, I sure wasn’t going to argue. Unhealthy as that might be for my ego.

So I let Giovanni actively not help me. Even when I tried to crack another egg and it rather exploded from my overuse of momentum. But thankfully, the rest of it seemed to be coming together well. As it baked, I decided to use that time to put together the icing. The recipe, of course, called for cream cheese icing, but that is not real icing (don’t @ me) and I absolutely refuse to sully any of my confections with it, ever. I was making the real stuff – just butter, chocolate, milk, and way too much sugar.

However, that meant a rematch with my archnemesis: the electric mixer. I gave it a very sour glare as I picked it up again.

“Ooh, someone’s mad,” Giovanni teased.

“Damn right I’m mad,” I told him. “This thing fucking hates me.”

“No…I think you’re just bad with it.”

“WHAT THE – “

He was at my side then, using one hand to guide my face upward to meet his gaze: “Because no one and nothing could ever hate you, my beautiful, beautiful Composer. And anyone who does can EAT SOUL-SLUGGER DOOM-BAT.”

Well. Now I was a flustered mess. I gently leaned forward to rest my forehead temporarily on his collarbone. “No, you,” I teased. “I mean it. People who hate you don’t have souls. End of discourse.”

“And this is why we GO TOGETHER!”

“Damn straight.”

It would have been a beautiful moment if I hadn’t been thwarted, yet again, by the mixer. The grinding of the glass, the startled removal of the blades, a chocolate splatter –

Except this time, it missed me. No, the stuff made a direct hit on the tall, pink-haired, and handsome card-carrying villain standing next to me.

I gaped at him momentarily, unsure what to say. Then it all came rushing out: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry – “

“Sorry?” he repeated, and at first, I thought he actually was angry. “You’re SORRY? Oh, it’s too late to be sorry, Composer.”

When he picked up the quarter-full bottle of vanilla extract from the counter beside us, I realized his game. “This means war,” he growled in a not-very-growly-at-all way.

Our eyes locked. His way of asking permission. I gave the slightest of nods; “I guess I deserve it. But you know I’m not going down without a fight.”

The vanilla sloshed onto me. I smashed an egg onto his shirt. He dumped about a half-gallon of soup down the back of mine.

Now, what you must understand about a food fight that takes place in the Potage-Scribere kitchen is that anything, and I mean absolutely anything, becomes a weapon. Even things that weren’t part of the dishes we were cooking. The refrigerator was raided, the cupboards stripped bare for the ensuing battle. Whatever we could hit each other with, we did. Smashing tomatoes against each other. Sneaking ice cubes into each other’s clothes to try and get a shriek. Several different flavors of soup flying through the air, of course. Retaliation in the form of grabbing the sprayer from the sink and brandishing it like a Banzai Blaster standard-issue pea-shooter.

Then my timer let out a “ding” to inform me that the cake was done baking. Giovanni froze, standing perfectly still as I transferred the cake to the fridge to let it cool down.

Then we picked up right where we left off.

It came to a head when Giovanni had ended up with two cans of aerosol whipped cream, dual-wielding them at me. I had an ice cream scoop in a tub of whipped cream, ready to lob it like a snowball.

Wait - “Gio, why do we have three things of whipped cream?”

“Well, I picked these up when you texted me our respective assignments for grocery day last weekend.”

“I told you to get toilet paper. I was gonna get the whipped cream.”

“No, you said YOU were getting the toilet paper, and I should pick up whipped cream.”

“DID EITHER OF US GET TOILET PAPER?”

“…I’m thinking no,” Giovanni mused.

“Okay, emergency store run after this for toilet paper,” I declared. “Resume.”

Instead of turning the cans on me, Giovanni spun to kick an apple off the counter so that it would hit me in the sternum. I recoiled, but only slightly. “The fuck was that?”

“That? Oh, THAT was…well, Composer, have you been keeping track of how many hits I’ve landed on you?”

My eyes widened. “SON OF A BITCH.”

“THAT’S RIGHT!” Giovanni crowed. “TWELVE! WHICH MEANS WHEN I LET THESE CANS LOOSE ON YOU, IT’S GONNA BE CRITICAL!”

I let go of the ice cream scoop; it clanged to the floor. “Okay, okay!” I put up that hand in a gesture of surrender. “I give!”

“…Seriously? But it’s no fun if you – “

“I am NOT in the mood to get blasted by critical whipped cream, Gio.”

Giovanni shrugged, not letting go of either can. “All right. Then it stops here.”

I pouted. “I really am sorry I started it. Can we just…you know…kiss and make up?”

“Absolutely.”

I had counted on this. I let him shut his eyes, pucker his lips slightly, lean forward. I advanced.

And then, screaming “WORTH IT!”, smashed the tub of whipped cream directly at his face.

The resulting blast of the aerosol whip was like getting hit with the blast of twenty-six cans of aerosol whip – which, really, isn’t that harmful at all. Just a lot messier and with some added momentum; I ended up skidding across the kitchen floor. “Okay!” I laughed. “I really do give in now! I promise!”

Giovanni was already scooping the cream off his face and shoveling it into his mouth (and this is the part where I want to remind you that as ripe of a picking as this seems for innuendo, neither of our sex-repulsed minds would have it). He then slumped down onto the tile next to me, leaning onto me.

“Well played, minion,” he said with a grin. “We’ll make a bona fide villain out of you yet.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not already there.”

We actually did kiss then, tasting all the sweeter for being covered in sugar.

#yuletide f/o event #selfship #hoooo boy putting myself out here like this #kinda wanna write more of these?#they'd be tumblr-exclusive though #not for my ao3

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fairycosmos · 6 years ago

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whats up i am The Literal Ugliest girl i have ever seen im not even being sarcastic i am so fucking disgusting it makes me sick i hate my disgusting full of acne skin, my ugly nose, my nonexistent lips and my fat short body. i want to kill myself SO MUCH but im scared my parents will be sad. do you think they’ll get over it and i should just do it bc nothing is changing and ive been waiting for years for a change and now im 22 and im fucking tired i cant fucking breathe

hey, it's okay. listen, i'm really sorry you're in such a negative place right now and i can't imagine how hard it must be. like i can absolutely relate and i totally understand where you're coming from, but your pain is your own and i won't infringe on it. that being said, of course your parents won't just 'get over' something like that. the trouble with self destructive tendencies is that your brain will do anything to make them seem plausible. it will engage you in emotional, black and white thinking - it'll force you to believe there's no other options, it'll use your insecurities against you to the highest degree in order to blow them out of proportion and make you feel bad. your self hatred is spinning a false narrative about you. i know you know about the subjectivity of beauty, the pressure we're all under to reach impossible standards, the way they sell us these made up ideas about attractiveness because that's what makes money. you can be aware of all of that and still hate the way you look, but recognizing that there is truly no wrong way to have a physical form (regardless of your low self confidence) can really make a difference. clearly this runs deeper than your appearance, i get that. but you must understand that your conditioned mind is not reliable. ugliness is a) an inevitably for everyone since our purpose isn't constant prettiness, b) not set in stone, not defined as 'one thing', and c) not a reason to take your own life. i understand that as a woman everything seems to hinge on that, but you can find comfort and happiness regardless. others don't see you the way you see yourself, and your self perception is all messed up by your biased mindset anyway. it's something a lot of people struggle with, but there IS a balance to be found. i know it's hard, i know. but experiencing this world and trying to appreciate who you are is a million times more rewarding than punishing yourself for something so uncontrollable and insignificant and inconsistent in it's validity. youre not a walking advirtisment, your body doesn't exist to fill a quota. and that can be really difficult to accept but. it's just true, it always comes back to that fact.

you're clearly in a very intense and emotional state of mind right now, and i really don't blame you. when you're sad and dealing with mental issues and you feel like there's literally no way forward, the entire world feels like the enemy. but i'd really really urge you to take a look at your thinking patterns when you're able to, in order to realize how irrational and untrue they are. harming yourself is not the correct response to not liking your reflection. instead consider outside factors, whats influencing your opinions, what you can do to make yourself feel a little more stable in the moment (cry, write, talk to a family member or friend, take a walk.) take a breath, and be sure to remain in a physically safe environment for now. that's good enough, i promise. you're doing so much better than you think you are, just by getting through the moment. you have copious amounts of worth beyond the way you look. you were born with it and it'll never go away. you have so much to offer and to see and you should not allow the unnecessary guilt to take all of that away from you. a whole future is worth so much more than you realize. i know 5 more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it. but i'm honestly telling you that there are so so so many ways to grow beyond this mindset and none of them involve hurting yourself. you don't have to do anything. you're in control, not your sadness, not your temporary feelings.

you sent this anon for a reason, and i'm unbelievably glad you did. it shows you have the ability to reach out, even if it's through an unconventional platform. so if you want to know what i really believe would be good for you, then hear me out. you need to talk to your parents and you need to look at your options in regards to seeing a professional about this. whether it's through a doctor, a counselor, a support group, a hotline. anything, there is so much available. please please please do not let the self destructive part of you write the idea off as if it's nothing. because your brain will try every trick in the book to make you think it's pointless but trying is never fruitless, not in this regard. you don't have to go into great detail, but i think it could be a real relief if you just sat your parents down and told them that you're having a really hard time, you don't know what to do, and you think you need some extra support. it is completely and utterly natural to be scared, to not want to do it. vulnerability is like that. but it's a much better form of fear than the one you'll feel by staying silent and letting this get worse and worse. the bottom line is suicidal thoughts, while somewhat common, are not normal and are an indicator that it's time to prioritize your mental health. even when everything in you is screaming at you to go the other way, to self destruct. it's hard to care about what happens to you when you just don't but i'm begging you to have some empathy for your future self, alright? that is what you're looking for here, i swear. you're going to be you for the rest of your life and while that may seem daunting right now it is something you can grow to enjoy as you create a whole lifetime of experiences beyond this pain. a professional will be able to get to the root causes of what's going on, while working with you to create a care plan so that you're prepared for these episodes in the future and showing you how to implement positive patterns into your daily life. disentangling your self worth from the way you look is not impossible and is actually very doable through small exercises and patience. minimizing the damage and building from the ground up, awakening yourself to alternative perceptions, is done through communication. it's ok if it's frustrating, it's ok if it takes time. i'm not saying you have to start loving yourself immediately, or that this will solve everything, but it is a great place to start. just making the initial choice to reach out to your parents will make a massive difference. i can't stress it enough, the importance of you realizing that your self hatred and your self perceived 'ugliness' aren't irreversible truths, they are emotional inconsistencies derived from underlying issues that can be addressed with time and small amounts of effort. where you're at right now is truly not where you'll always be no matter how much you feel otherwise. please, if you're a danger to yourself call someone and put your own physical safety first. i'm begging you, it is not going to solve anything and it is not what you deserve. you will find what you do deserve eventually but you have to stick around to see it. you're stronger than you realize. you haven't made it this far for nothing. i really hope you're alright and that you're able to talk with your parents, or that you at least consider it for now. i'm sure they'll appreciate the honesty, and that's where it all begins. just admitting to what's going on, which you've already proved your capable of. sending a lot of love to you, don't hesitate to hit me up if you need a friend. you're not alone.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #long post

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years ago

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Skam France season 3, episode 8 reaction

Not gonna lie, I kept thinking “they must taste like ham” during the love-making scene

Episode 8

Clip 1 - Morning after

Lucas wakes up, still with splotches of paint on his body. I guess he washed off some of the paint, but not that well? I have so many questions about how they got home, like did they manage to get into the locker room to take a shower before leaving the school, or did they just go home covered in paint?

Anyway, Lucas is alone and checks his phone. His father says their mom wants to go to mass with them next week, so there’s your O Helga Natt clip. I’m trying to think about the religious references in this season. They’ve definitely been carrying through with Lucas’ mom being religious; I’m not sure there has been more in the way of religious symbolism? Luke is a Biblical figure but I’m not sure there’s any connecting with Lucas’ character the way Isak was connected to Biblical Isaac through the 21:21 reference. Not that it means O Helga Natt shouldn’t happen at a church, just that I think you could potentially set the scene somewhere else that’s more in line with what symbolism there is in this season (light and dark).

WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. Was he on the couch???? In the living room??? Wh- why? So they went back to Lucas’ placed and crashed, covered in paint and seemingly naked (since Lucas is shown putting on his boxers), on the sofa in his living room? At the apartment where he has three other roommates coming and going? The FUCK.

Doesn’t Eliott live by himself? I thought someone involved with the show said that. Why did they not go to his place where they can be alone, rather than going to Lucas’ where they have to crash on the fucking couch? Even if Eliott does live with his parents or whoever, presumably he has a bedroom with, you know, a door.

I guess after you fuck in public at your school when there are people around, cuddling naked together in your living room where your roommates might see is no big deal at all. Get over it, prudes.

This is one of those times when I think Skam France still sticks to the original script too much, like obviously this part is here because Isak woke up alone after Even spent the night and heard Even in the kitchen. Lucas’ living situation (aka living on his goddamn couch) doesn’t really accommodate for that without some weirdness. So they could have revised this scene a bit - either send them to Eliott’s place rather than Lucas’, or have Lucas actually get his bedroom back by now (why is he still on the couch anyway????) or just have them clothed. Or you could have something where Eliott didn’t sleep over, and Lucas wakes up on the couch smiling about the previous day, except then he hears Eliott’s voice in the kitchen. Surprise! Eliott came over early to surprise Lucas with breakfast, and Manon let him in. And it could be shown as a sign of his mania, maybe, like it’s cute but Eliott came over way too early with way too many ingredients and it’s just a little too intense, it feels off.

Anyway, Lucas hears giggling from the kitchen, and of course Eliott is cooking and talking to the roommates. He’s making a fennel and cinnamon omelette. He kisses Lucas and Mika and Manon exchange a proud look. No more interventions are necessary.

Eliott also wants to make blueberry bacon muffins and Manon is all WTF about it, because she is lucky enough to live in a country where people apparently weren’t putting bacon in every single food product for a few years.

Mika and Manon pretend they didn’t hear anything from Eliott and Lucas when they came in, but Lisa enters and is like, yes, I did hear you fucking. So they were for real fucking on the couch? I’m just imagining like, Manon wanting a glass of water last night but being unable to leave her bedroom, just waiting for the moans to stop.

Lisa tells Manon to give her room to Lucas since he has a sex life and Manon doesn’t. Cold, but accurate, and also, Manon should give her room back since it’s not hers in the first place and Lucas was clearly distraught over it in the last episode. C’mon. At least take turns.

When the roommates are gone, Lucas says he thought Eliott left this morning (or like … one minute ago), like he did with Lucille. We get this conversation with a big gap between them as Lucas talks about Eliott making out with Lucille at Chloé’s party. Eliott closes the gap and takes Lucas’ face in his hands when he says that Lucille knows him well and made him believe they had to get back together, and Lucas wasn’t ready. Eliott was afraid Lucas wouldn’t want anything serious, Lucas says he does, and Eliott says good, because he’s not going anywhere right now. They kiss.

Eliott comes across as rather self-assured here. Even seemed very vulnerable when Isak called him on the situation with Sonja, and his attitude got very weird and harsh. He wasn’t even looking Isak in the eye as he complained about her; he only looked back when he was asking Isak to understand what he meant. Part of the scene felt very, very fragile for both of them. By contrast, while Lucas here seems uncertain, Eliott seems pretty confident. Although he’s telling Lucas about something that made him uncertain at the time, in the moment he seems to have gotten over it. Either that or he’s completely burying his fears, because I don’t see a hint of doubt or defensiveness.

Also, in the original scene, there were hints that Even was manic. I guessed it from my first viewing, watching the scene in unsubtitled Norwegian, just based off Even’s energy and emotional shifts, and then with the subs we could see how he got distracted, his mind was racing a bit. I didn’t really feel like they were signaling Eliott was manic yet, other than the lines about him going to the fridge and wanting to bake everything. Eliott just seems comfortable in what’s happening. (I’m not blaming Maxence for this, I think his acting is pretty solid, honestly.)

They obviously did not do their version of the Gabrielle lip-syncing, and while I don’t mind if they choose not to, for time constraints or not wanting to copy OG or just not feeling it for the characters, I can’t help but feel a bit bereft that I did not see more of Eliott’s awkward EDM dancing.

Clip 2 - Ass = art

I am honest to God laughing that they hyped up that previous mural as the ugliest shit ever, and then Lucas and Eliott literally threw some paint over it and it’s suddenly acceptable. Oh my God. Different strokes for different folks and all, but you can still see the original goddamn mural!!! It’s not even totally covered up!!!

Plot twist: whoever originally painted that mural in like the ‘90s or whatever also did it while having sex against the wall. And the plucky artists who will paint over Lucas and Eliott’s mural in like 2034 will be doing it as part of an orgy. Why even bother having a mattress when you have a paint-splattered wall to hump against?

I think it’d be a pretty display if it it were not half-assed. It’s not even covering all of the existing mural. They should’ve whole-assed it. Much like they whole-assed everything else on Friday.

Lucas is like, sorry we didn’t go with what was planned. Was there a plan? Because it absolutely came across like the boys just showed up to paint whatever image popped into their heads.

OH MY GOD THERE WAS AN ACTUAL ASS PRINT ON THE WALL

AND THEY DON’T EVEN MAKE UP A LIE ABOUT IT

Eliott’s like, Sorry about that! And he and Lucas kiss. Oh my God, this is ridiculous. I’m happy for your love and all but I legit cringed at that part, it’s too much. I guess if I think about it like how Even said it was good the boys left when Even showed up at Isak’s house, it’s the same thing? Except that’s a lot vaguer than like, yep, we left ass prints on the wall, our butt cheeks were used as sponges. I suppose it’s odd that everyone’s just like ... completely un-weirded out by this admission. (🐭🐭🐭)

Daphne is happy because the common room was decorated by a gay couple, so that made it cool, and objectively that’s not a great thing to say but I confess it make me laugh, because what a Daphne thought. Imane is like, why do we let it slide when Daphne says stuff like that? Good question. I guess because Daphne’s enthusiasm is pretty charming if you just tune out her words themselves.

Eliott is like, we gave it body and soul … you sure did give it your body, as Daphne observes.

Imane says she’s happy for Eliott and Daphne asks if Imane and Eliott know each other. They smile at each other. Precious. So we’re getting that storyline in S4, let’s hope they do a decent job with it. It could be improved.

Lucas gets a text from his dad about going to mass. Dad guilts him, telling him to think of his mother. Lucas texts back that he’ll go to mass with his boyfriend. We don’t get an answer immediately from the dad, like with Isak; Lucas just tells him and looks over to his boyfriend smiling and laughing with the girls, like he doesn’t care what his dad says in that moment, he’s just going to enjoy being happy with Eliott. He gives Eliott a back hug, it’s very sweet.

Clip 3 - Boy squad = cheerleaders

Basile is talking about sending a song to a girl, presumably Daphne, because this is hell. She didn’t reply. Dude. Take the fucking hint.

I know I keep complaining about this a million times per post, but I keep being annoyed at Skam France for adding yet another no-means-yes romance where a girl’s stated disinterest is continually ignored by a guy. We already had Noorhelm/Marles. And Vilde/Magnus, whatever you think of them, didn’t have this crap tainting their courtship.

The boys run into Eliott who looks happy. Lucas proudly introduces Eliott as his boyfriend, without any insecurity, and the boys erupt in cheers like this is one of those videos where everyone’s watching as a kid is opening his email and learning he got accepted to Harvard (🐭🐭🐭). I mean, it is cute that the boys react so positively! I don’t want to discourage straight boys cheering on their gay friend getting a boyfriend. Go wild, throw some confetti, bake a cake.

Basile says Lucas made the boys bolt on Friday and is upset he didn’t get to paint. I feel like Basile’s “misunderstood genius” left uninterrupted would definitely have resulted in several big-tittied anime girls on that wall. The boys invite Eliott to the park on Wednesday. Eliott agrees to go even though Lucas points out he has class then. I guess maybe that’s a sign of Eliott being manic? Maybe? Like he doesn’t care about school and is being reckless?

Basile makes an incest joke. Not his first in the season.

The boys really do seem cute running away, I love Arthur’s moves! But again, I am never letting that “it’s not Disneyland” comment go, because everything is so shiny-happy. It’s not just positive in a realistic way, it’s that song that from The Lego Movie. With Isak, he was still shy after he came out to his friends because you know, he was a human being and turning off internalized homophobia wasn’t like flicking a light switch. He got more comfortable over time. And the boys were very excited to meet Even but in a chill, non-OTT way (even Magnus).

With content like this, I do think it is valuable to show exceedingly positive social support for a gay teenager coming out and getting a boyfriend, like I do feel a little bad having any nitpicks about this. Likewise, I hate to have any reservations about Lucas getting so totally open and affectionate with Eliott so fast, because this is the end goal, obviously, we want to see Lucas happy and thriving and out and proud. You could make the argument that now he knows his friends accept him, he can let go of his insecurities in full (I don’t know how I feel about that because I don’t think Lucas’ problem was solely about whether his friends would accept him, for instance the Pride scene was more about internalized homophobia). And I do think they wanted to make Lucas as happy as possible this week before bringing him down at the end of the episode, for the impact. But combined with stuff like treating his outing as no big deal, and cleaning house last week and putting the Chloé and Imane clips in that episode so we got those conflicts and plot threads out of the way, and then how Lucas is so 100% okay with announcing Eliott as his boyfriend and joking about their sex life and kissing him and embracing him in public, all of this right off the bat ... to me it almost feels like they wanted to skip over the inner conflict, any hesitation or lingering insecurities, and just get straight to the cuddly ship content. And I mean, I approve of cuddly ship content! It just seems a little pat? You can make something idealistic and realistic. I guess Skam resolved some conflicts easily, too, but I felt like Isak’s character development was gradual and earned, whereas Lucas’ lacks some nuance here.

Lucas gets a phone call and it’s from Lucille. I find it kinda weird we didn’t even hear her voice because that would be Lucas’ POV in this important moment. Eliott talks to Lucille and it doesn’t really seem like… alarming like it did with Even, that rapid change in mood. He just sounds annoyed that she’s calling Lucas and he told her not to.

Lucas asks why Lucille called, Eliott is like IDK, to bullshit you. Which honestly, seems like a reasonable enough response? I don’t get why Lucas looks at Eliott like Eliott is the one bullshitting him. It’s not nice but Eliott’s ex calling Lucas just to harass him or tell him to stay away is not a thing that’s all that unusual, it happens. Even was a lot harsher in attitude and weirder in what he said (”she doesn’t like people who live free and genuine”). Anyway, then Eliott says Lucille can’t control him (Eliott) anymore and is trying to go through Lucas. Eliott kisses Lucas, plays with his hair (which seems to be their Thing, which is adorable), kisses him again, leaves, comes back for another kiss. He pulls an Even and walks off backwards. Lucas blows him a kiss after he’s gone. Well, that’s the cutest thing I’ve seen from Lucas so far, and very endearing.

Clip 4 - Het drama? In my S3? It’s more likely than you think

Everyone, both boy and girl squads are having a picnic. There’s a cool effect where someone wipes away the time card as they walk through the frame, I don’t remember seeing anything like that before on Skam France or any other remake. Stuff like that is just a fun way to play with the format.

Is that the same lake as the one in the first clip of the season? Would be nice to call back, since Lucas was feeling detached back then, and now he’s surrounded by friends and literally lying in his man’s arms. Speaking of, Lucas and Eliott are a little ways off from everyone else, and like I said, Lucas is being cozy in Eliott’s arms. They talk about doing something this weekend; Eliott mentions that Lisa blacklisted him from the flatshare and I DO NOT BLAME HER after what happened on that couch. Although I guess you could say the other flatmates deserve it after relegating Lucas to the sofa.

Eliott mentions his parents will be there that weekend. Wait, so I thought he lived alone? Didn’t someone involved with the show say that? Guess I was wrong. Or are his parents just coming to visit? Anyway, obviously this is setup for them getting a hotel room or whatever their version is.

Okay: absolutely fucking ridiculous that this 4-minute clip features less than a minute actually focused on Lucas’ POV, in Lucas’ season. At the end of the season? Sure, absolutely, we’re wrapping up the season’s storylines and giving everyone some closure and/or setup for the next season. Switching POVs is perfectly fine then. But in the middle of the season??? What’s more - in the middle of episode 8??????? The end of episode 8 is a hugely important turn of the story. It twists everything we know about the Even character on its head, it’s an intense scene, even frightening. It should have us looking back, noticing the signs we didn’t know were there on first viewing. This is one of the worst times they could cut for an interlude about everyone else - let alone for crappy het romance drama.

They could’ve used these three minutes to hint at Eliott’s mania! Or put in some content about Lucas’ parents, especially with Lucas’ mom since he’s going to come out to her soon! You can even keep the picnic with everyone else, just have Eliott doing or saying something that in retrospect is a big-ass pile of foreshadowing. Considering this week has been very light on those hints so far, this would have been a perfect opportunity. At the very least, if you need that mandatory girl squad content, we could have seen all this het romance through Lucas’ eyes, like he’s not even in the scene with these people, really? It’s not like he’s watching or listening to them, he and Eliott are in their own little bubble. So just stay in the bubble with them, or let others into their bubble, or don’t have them in the bubble - they can be cuddling closer to everyone else and interacting with them.

Keep in mind that there was no French “5 fine frøkner” either, lmao. They cut that out and we got this scene instead. And like I said, I’m totally fine with the kitchen sing-along not being there, but if what we get instead is shit that has nothing to do with Lucas and isn’t even from his POV, to focus on a bunch of (terrible) m/f pairings ... then I’m going to get exasperated.

Basile worms in between Emma and Daphne, like legit shoves Emma to the side. Daphne is reading a book. Basile tries to make small talk, Daphne ignores him (as she well should) and talks to Emma over him. Basile asks her out for coffee, Daphne is like, I’m studying. With a respectful human being, the conversation would end here. It’s appalling to me that even these little moments are chock full of Basile’s entitlement! Daphne says she’s reading, so either a) she is genuinely trying to enjoy her book or get some homework done or b) she just really doesn’t want to talk to Basile or c) both but IN ANY CASE he needs to get the fucking picture, she is not interested in continuing this conversation. I had to vent after I saw this scene because I’m just astonished by how thoroughly awful this relationship has been depicted, like they are hitting ALL the typical entitled dude moments.

Anyway, welcome to hell. Arthur gives Basile the signal to keep going (and Arthur’s on my shit list, too, for enabling this behavior - like lol, here’s toxic masculinity for you). Basile asks if she heard the song he sent her. Daphne is like … the song with the deeply inappropriate lyrics? So not only is he continuing to bother her when she wants to be left alone, but the song he sent he was overly sexual? GEE WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS IS HARASSMENT.

Arthur and Yann chide Basile for sending such a forward song, Yann told him to be less upfront so Daphne would want him. Yann is on my shit list, too! Stop encouraging this creepy behavior! This is like a textbook study of how guys enforce toxic masculinity, for real, because Arthur and Yann know full well that Daphne has said no a million times, she said no again 10 seconds ago while the boys were right there, and yet that’s not enough for them, either. They’re not telling Basile to back off.

Basile is like, what’s the point, no one wants me, and gets up and walks away. Lol, so this shit is about Basile’s poor feelings. Not Daphne’s, not how she felt when Basile was trying to hump her on the dance floor or never the shutting the fuck up about how he wants her. Basile being sad because he did a creepy thing and it wasn’t well-received. Of course. (I seriously think you could write that moment of him saying no one wants him in a way that’s poignant and sympathetic, but you have to build it up in a way where we can feel sorry for him without caveats. If you wanted me to feel sorry for him, don’t write him as persistently going after a girl who has said she’s not interested!)

Yann and Arthur talk to Daphne and are like, he probably didn’t even read the lyrics! Er, not Daphne’s fucking fault that Basile was lazy. The song was titled “May she love me.” The boys are like, how cute! OF FUCKING COURSE Daphne smiles a little after that as she looks at Basile walking off. The boys encourage Daphne to give him a chance. OF FUCKING COURSE men are telling a woman to give a poor guy a chance after she’s already said no over and over again.

Did anyone realize this is some Nice Guy nonsense, too? That Basile, he’s really a decent guy! He’s so sweet and nice with his well-intentioned song choice! So why doesn’t Daphne give him a chance, hmm? I mean Basile is such a Nice Guy and yet no one will love him.

I’m sorry I cannot stop talking about this but it is astonishing how much crap they have packed into every goddamn scene of this nonsense. This is a man’s fantasy, this is a woman’s nightmare. Actually, no, - it’s women’s reality, because it happens often enough that men don’t give a shit about our boundaries and our rejections (however firm or polite) that this is a whole subset of feminist discourse, that we have terms like Nice Guy because these attitudes are so prevalent they merit a common phrase, that almost every woman has stories about some dude who wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Manon’s hat

That’s the comment, Manon’s fucking hat

The other girls are messing with Romain about period blood, heh. Manon goes after Emma when Emma walks off. (We get treated to yet more dialogue from Yann and Arthur trying to persuade Daphne to give Basile a chance, siiiiiiigh. Let the girl read her book!) Emma is bummed because Raptor Alex didn’t respond to Emma’s invitation and he’s seeing another girl tonight. Emma also slept with another guy, Manon is impressed by how she can do that. But Emma said it sucked with that other guy and that with Alex the sex was good, it was just that when he opened his mouth that she was turned off. Lmao, Emma, some things just aren’t meant to be that serious? He’s good in bed but he’s not that interesting of a person. It’s fine. Either keep your FWB thing going or find someone you can bang while also having stimulating conversations or whatever.

Emma says Manon and Alex have more to talk about than she and Alex, and that she saw them the other day. Talking about Charles, obviously. Emma lets on that she knows something is wrong with Manon, and she’s waiting for Manon to talk about it. This scene’s a lot like the talk between Yann and Lucas in episode 5, except somehow I don’t think Emma is going to walk away once Manon opens up.

Manon says it’s complicated with Charles and she doesn’t know if he’s coming back. Emma says she’ll wait for Manon to open up. Manon gets teary. Apart from the fact that this is not in Lucas’ POV, and that this is about crappy straight pairings, on its own this is a really nice interaction between the two of them.

But can we talk about how absolutely awful the het pairings on this show are? We have Manon/Charles with their ramped-up alpha male crap in S2 and then what he did to Manon in London, which was despicable. We have Emma/Alex, who are functional as fuckbuddies but have no real intellectual or emotional connection (fine for what it is, but don’t tell me this is supposed to be a real romance). We have Alex/Romain, the bi girl with the boyfriend who’s fetishizing her and asking her for a threesome the minute after she comes out to him, basically. She seems done with him already, like she’s just dating him out of habit now. And we have Basile/Daphne, at the very bottom of the trash heap. I want Imane to have a love interest who’s genuinely great and who deserves her, but seriously, the bar is so low that French Yousef could basically lie on the ground and roll over it.

Clip 5 - Boat bangin’

Eliott leads Lucas to his surprise at the docks. There’s some cute banter with them; they do have nice chemistry when they’re directed well and allowed to be free with each other (when it’s been off I chalk that up to scenes being rushed more than the actors, but it hasn’t been often). Missed opportunity to do something interesting with POV, though? The boat and the dock are shown immediately, but since Eliott is covering Lucas’ eyes, they could replicate the sense of surprise by not showing the boat right away, just have a closeup on Lucas and Eliott until Eliott tells him to look, so we see the reveal when he does.

Eliott shows Lucas that they’re on a boat and Lucas is stunned and happy. He asks how Eliott paid for the boat and Eliott just blows off that question and swoops in for a kiss, and I mean, when a face that pretty is that happy, are you going to question it? Maxence does seem to be doing a nice job with the manic signs here; he’s just a little elevated and giddy, and it could certainly just be excitement to be alone with his new boyfriend, but it also registers as slightly higher than Eliott’s usual range to me.

Eliott yells about his hot boyfriend to the water and he and Lucas goof around, it’s very cute. Lucas says no one has ever done anything like this for him. Awwww. But also, you understand why he’s letting the question of how Eliott paid for the boat slide. He’s just thrilled to be with him and touched by the grand gesture.

Inside the boat, Eliott pours champagne for him and Lucas. It’s not real champagne, as it turns out. I do like how this scene is shot, I don’t like a lot of Skam France’s directing but this is working for me. The scene on the deck was beautiful like a romantic movie scene, like it’s supposed to feel for Lucas, a combination of light and dark. But now the darkness inside the boat feels a little more stifling, in my opinion. I like that we see them from the side, considering each other.

Eliott tells Lucas to try to eat some Italian ham, and I do like how Lucas is playacting like they’re living it up and being fancy. It’s a good thing because there is no fucking way on this planet that eating that ham is a sexy move. It is the opposite of sexy. Eliott snatches ham from Lucas. Even the literal male model cannot make eating ham look sexy. Lucas describes the ham in sensual detail. Lucas says that it’s so good, you’d have thought Eliott cooked it. Eliott laughs and there’s a long look, which gets kind of intense? There’s something lingering in the air. I guess I was wrong, because these two seem immensely aroused by eating ham. Okay. No judgment. Glad you two found each other.

Eliott lights a cigarette, and like smoking kills and all, but objectively way sexier than eating ham. He shotguns with Lucas like Lucas did with Chloé in episode 1, except Eliott is way more skilled at it and obviously this is way sexier/more fulfilling to Lucas. Lucas is ready to fuuuuuuuuck.

They smile at each other, very fond of each other, in love, and then we cut to the sex scene. To Skam France’s credit: they’re not shy or coy about showing the gay intimacy. The actors seem to be pretty naked. Stuff happens.

I personally don’t find this kind of sex scene terribly sexy, because the mechanics of bodies are less interesting to me than the characters’ emotions during the scene, usually (unless there’s something really unusual or notable going on, lol). The Evak hotel clip happened to be the exact kind of TV/movie sex scene I like: more suggestive than explicit, more focused on their faces and their expressions. With Lucas and Eliott, I give massive props to the actors for going this far with each other, and they’re not shy or uncomfortable, but I also wish we saw more of their expressions so this scene felt like them and not any two bodies going at it? But anyway, again, not a flaw of the scene, just a personal preference.

Anyway, in the afterglow, Lucas looks totally fucked into contentment and says he wants to live his life on the barge. Eliott says he does too and starts talking about renting it for the wedding and getting lots of ham and crisps, ONLY ham and crisps for their wedding. Lucas thinks that sounds like a disappointing wedding menu. Eliott starts eagerly rambling about how their wedding will be so great that everyone will only want ham and crisps at their weddings and caterers will go out of business and somehow Trump is involved because ham isn’t enough of a boner killer, we gotta have Trump mentioned, too. Lucas is kinda amused, with a trace of “huh.”

He talks more about the Ham Cold War and going off on a barge and the sound effect from the Skam hotel clip happens, or at least there’s this low rumbling like it might almost be the motor or mechanics of the boat? Whatever it is, it’s ominous, it signifies this conversation getting less goofy and idealistic, more like reality crashing on Lucas as he realizes something’s off about Eliott.

I like how they shot Eliott in this scene. He’s facing that camera and we’re very close to him, so it adds to the intensity of what he’s saying. The editing is also slightly choppy, some cuts between what Eliott is saying, it’s fractured and disjointed like the thoughts in his head, harder to follow.

Eliott just keeps going with this story, like he’s writing a novel in his head involving Trump and making friends with a drug lord and having to deliver weed via boat globally. Like, the kind of thing that could be just messing around, inventing a funny story, except for intense Eliott is about it. It’s making him crack up, he can’t stop laughing. And he doesn’t notice (or care) that Lucas isn’t really following or participating in this story, Eliott is off on his own adventure.

Lucas is just like … wow. Now confused. Either Eliott is drunk as fuck or there’s something really strange happening.

Eliott lies beside Lucas and asks about the Eliotts and Lucases in parallel universes. Then he says they should die tonight. RECORD SCRATCH. Lucas is taken aback to say the least. Why would Eliott say that? Eliott kisses Lucas on the forehead and says he’s kidding. He snuggles up to Lucas and Lucas is bothered. I mean, yeah, who wouldn’t be after your boyfriend casually suggests a double suicide? This ain’t Romeo + Juliet. (Although honestly, I feel like this might be more in line with Even’s characterization, since he’s the one who thinks “the only way to have something forever is by losing it” which would go along with the idea of dying at one’s peak, and he’s also the one making references to death or suicide throughout S3. Eliott doesn’t really talk about death or suicide, as far as I can remember?)

Clip 6 - Ship sinking

It’s later, Lucas is sleeping. He wakes up and Eliott is sitting by the side of the bed watching him. If you didn’t know the twist, you might think Eliott lured Lucas out to this boat to murder him. And here I thought Lucas was the one with the serial killer vibe. Lucas asks if he ever sleeps. Er, have we gotten a ton of hints that Eliott doesn’t sleep? I mean thinking about it, there was no reason for Eliott to be asleep in the cuddle scene in episode 5, because their make-out was in the middle of the day. Not unusual for him to stay awake. Did he say something in the kitchen scene that implied he hadn’t slept? We also didn’t get any middle of the night texts, as with Even. But Eliott says he can’t sleep with someone this hot in the bed. He sounds deadly somber when he says it, though. Lucas smiles and goes back to sleep.

Cut to later. Somewhat blurry lens because Lucas is drowsy and it represents his hazy state of mind. Eliott is naked and lacing up his sneakers. He says he’s going for a swim. Bare ass. Lucas is about to fall back asleep when he’s like … wait a second. He gets dressed, runs around the boat looking for Eliott and calling his name.

Was there a splash? I didn’t hear one. Better if there wasn’t a splash, but then you have no idea where Eliott is. And for Lucas, hearing that whole thing about “let’s die tonight” is going to make him panic even more.

Lucas is yelling and in tears, he calls Lucille. Axel does a nice job here. There’s the sound of police/ambulance/whatever those sirens are in the background, so did they find Eliott? Or are they just thematic at the moment? (The sirens were in the original Skam scene, too.) Lucas asks Lucille to come. Lucas screams and freaks out, he’s shaking.

Lucille shows up on the boat and Lucas tells her what happened. He;s more angry and upset and spitting than Isak, which makes sense with Lucas’ temper. But he’s also unraveling and in tears. Lucas describes how Eliott said he was going for a swim, and he doesn’t think Eliott jumped, but he was naked.

Lucille says they have to hope the cops find him. When Lucas says he doesn’t understand, Lucille screams at him that Eliott is bipolar and broke into the barge. Lucas is like … he said he rented it. Lucille is like, for fuck’s sake, how do you think he paid for it? I dont know, is it totally out of the question Eliott has rich parents who give him a sizable allowance? I assumed Even just charged way too fucking much for that hotel suite or that he wiped out his savings or something, and Eliott could’ve done something similar. Though granted, I don’t know how much a weekend in a French barge costs. Anyway, I guess the point is that Lucas was so wrapped up in the fantasy that he didn’t bother to ask for further details, which is true.

Lucille asks if they smoked, pissed a hell. Lucas says just a little. Lucille says it makes Eliott sick and is bad for him. I mean, as I said about the Skam scene -that’s not Lucas’/Isak’s fault, that’s on Eliott/Even to know what he can and can’t do.

The way they lit and framed Lucille in this scene makes her seem kinda villainous, tbh. Or at least more dominant - it appears like she’s literally looking down at Lucas. I mean, she is very tall, heh.

Lucille gets a call, they’ve found Eliott. Lucas questions if they should call his parents, Lucille is like YES they should, obviously, he was naked in the street after he broke into a barge and he was smoking weed. I cannot disagree with Lucille on this.

Lucas wants to go with Lucille, but Lucille says no, Lucas needs to stay away, Eliott doesn’t love him, he can’t love him, it’s just something inside his head. She says Lucas is nothing to Eliott, he’s just a passing craze. What Lucille doesn’t know is that Lucas ain’t no passing phase, Hakuna Matata. Lucas sits down and cries after she leaves. Deeply dramatic piano music plays as he sobs. It gets a little too soap opera-ish here at the end, although I get that it’s a very intense scene; I just think the impact would’ve been just as great if they dialed it to a 10 instead of an 11. But you know, it’s Skam France.

Yeah, they made Lucille way more of an OTT villain here. I have to assume they’ll give her chance to speak for herself and humanize her like with Sonja, but it felt they escalated her less from someone who was just frustrated and concerned to someone who was operating out of spite, especially with the way they structured the scene. Like Sonja had the “he doesn’t love you” part earlier and she wasn’t like spitting at him. Isak was in disbelief, and she just left him like she was fed up. But they saved that “he doesn’t love you” part here for the final insult, the last knife to the ribs, and they made it more intense, too, like YOU’RE NOTHING TO HIM. Okay, Lucille, we get the picture, you can go back to punishing those kids for eating your gingerbread house.

I was pretty worried that this scene was going to be overly dramatic verging on exploitative, considering Skam France’s tendency to go over-the-top. But actually I think this set of clips was fine, other than the very end which was too much for my taste. The acting was strong and there were some solid directing choices. My biggest criticism is that they could have hinted at Eliott’s mania more before this clip, and that there wasn’t so much foreshadowing for this scene, in my opinion. And with Skam it wasn’t just about the clues that Even was bipolar, either, but the buildup of tension that something was off. Things like Eliott’s texts in the middle of the night about random memes managed to feel ominous, because we knew Even wasn’t sleeping. There are some moments that arguably were supposed to be hints about Eliott being manic, but I didn’t feel like they were so different from the rest of the acting/writing/directing/pacing that they really registered. So overall: buildup weak, payoff good on its own.

Social Media/General Comments

Lucas is shown hacking into the sink from the omelette that Eliott made, but I’m not convinced it wasn’t the paint. He posts a picture of the eggs like “If I get food poisoning, you’ll know why” YES BECAUSE YOUR MOUTHS WERE GUZZLING ART SUPPLIES OFF EACH OTHER LAST NIGHT.

Lucas did like all the meaningful posts on Eliott’s secret IG, like sketches of the rain and piano.

Eliott sleeps and Lucas cuddles him while singing a cover of “Call Your Girlfriend.” Sick Skam reference! (Actually I think Skam France's OG homages are really sweet.)

Lots of Eliott and Lucas couple selfies, with cuddly captions like “Him” or comments like “raccoon <3 hedgehog” emojis. Eliott draws another sketch of their fursonas together in all parallel universes.

Skam France also did something where they posted the sketch with pictures of the three Evaks out at the time, (from Norway, Italia, and France) which was seriously very cute and respectful of them.

Basile is wearing a Game of Thrones T-shirt (”Hodor Hodor Hodor”) in an IG pic and not to judge because I watch Game of Thrones myself, I’m literally wearing socks with the House Targaryen sigil on them right now, but yeah, that sounds about right for his character.

There’s also a dick print on the mural, it seems? For fuck’s sake, how could Eliott and Lucas possibly have any satisfying sex with paint slathered over their junk? Or did they wait until they were finished and just wiped off the paint by plastering their bodies against the mural? Maybe that’s how they cleaned themselves up. But how could you possibly get that good of a penis shape without just like ... dipping your dick into the bucket of paint itself? How could you position your dick and balls against the wall that way to get the imprint? Anyway, Alex and Emma have a bet over whose dick it is. I don’t think it’s anyone’s actual dick, Eliott and/or Lucas just thought it would be funny to paint something that looked like one.

Lucas brings up the Lucille call in a text to Eliott, saying that maybe Lucille had something to tell him, and that Eliott told her to fuck off. Eliott brings up that it’s something they had in common: Eliott told Lucille to fuck off so he could be with Lucas, Lucas told his friends to fuck off so he could be with Eliott (on Friday in the foyer). Well. Not totally the same, Eliott, but I feel like this is almost a diversion from what Lucas wants to know. Eliott says sometimes you have to tell people to fuck off to live your life. Lucas seems appeased by this answer for now, because he doesn’t push the topic, just says he’s happy Eliott is going with them tomorrow to the park.

I am not French so please feel free to correct me on translation or cultural notes.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamfr reactions #skam france reactions

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