#She's a kind of gal who just wants a good quality friendship!

[teachyouhowtodothesponge]

Three outfits for Marie Rose! Sally would help her with her outfits so that they don't clash.

First 2 are actually outfits I have and the last one I made up. And then I made her home/store concept art for her. I am not very good at houses so this is what I'm working with so far!

[littlestellababy27]

When men flirt with me on here, I flirt back. I act genuine and kind, because it's the kind of girl I was raised to be. I've had a couple guys I've gotten friendly with, flirted with, only for them to say they love me. But I can only love them as friends. Because of that, I've lost some really good people in my life. Is it impossible for guys and gals to be friends without sex or flirting?

Can you give me some advice please?

The first thing I want to ask you is whether you actually want to be flirting with these people, or if you do it because you’re a people-pleaser. I was raised to believe that a nice girl always gives anyone who is interested in her a chance, whether she’s interested back or not. It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that I was placing myself in situations I didn’t want with people I wasn’t interested in simply because the men who raised me felt entitled to female attention.

It can be a *very* difficult habit to break, especially if the idea of disappointing someone seems like a nightmare to you. But my first bit of advice to you is to establish boundaries early with people you aren’t interested in. Even if you want to continue to casually flirt back with people who flirt with you, try to make sure you and they know early on what to expect from the interaction.

It is absolutely possible for anyone of any gender(s) to be friends without sex or flirting. Friendship does not require a lack of attraction. Even two people deeply in love with each other can remain “just friends”. All it takes is a bit of self-regulation and boundary setting from both parties. Remember, we may not be able to control our feelings, but we can absolutely learn to control our actions.

It can be very sad to lose someone because you were not able to give them everything they wanted. But do keep in mind that this will not always be the case with everyone who truly cares about you. Some will choose to stay in your life because they value you enough to accept your limits. This is the type of person you want to have around. These are the people who truly care about *who you are* and not just what you can offer them. My advice is to seek out these quality people and allow those who cannot adapt to your circumstances to fall to the wayside.

The people who truly want you in their lives will make themselves known by sticking around.

[narutogwriting]

Greetings! It I. Whomever the f*ck that is!

I don't know if anyone's every told you, but your writing is absolute Grade A Quality. And I, as in me, happen to nurse quite the interest for said A Grade writing. Shocking, is it not? Foolish! Of course it is not! Surprising. That is. It IS the best writing afterall! I- Hm... ఠ_ఠ

Okay, I'll stop horsing around, sorry,,,

I have come to make a request if that is alright with you and you do not have too many already!

I recently discovered the song "Heart Attack" by Deni Lovato and would really love a little story with boisterous and playful reader that's had the second longest-standing crush(after Hinata's, cuse, MAN, that girl be the inventor of pinning no jutsu) known to everyone, but Lee, where the crew could be out throwing one of those rare party where a majority of them can be present, eventually ending in a karaoke where the fuzzy warmth of what little alcohol the reader drank gives them the little bit of missing courage(or sensibility) to, just, climb on a table and spill all their feelings, love and frustration into this one song before loudly announcing that This One's For Lee, like a challenge.

If you would have the space/kindness to add the aftermath where the reader immediately sobers up after comfessing and just, absconds through a window, I would be the most grateful gal alive,,, >v<

I'll venmo you a goat.

Okay this was seriously WAY too fun to right Naruto is my one true love but Rock Lee was my first Naruto crush<3

HEART ATTACK

Pairing: Rock Lee x Reader

CW: good old fluff

Length: 3.6+

Summary: Rock Lee has been your not so secret crush for as long as you can remember. You’re determined to take it to your grave, but what happens when you’re drunk at a karaoke bar doesn’t stay at the karaoke bar...

The music was loud, the room was dark, and everyone was there. How long had it last been since everyone was able to get together?

The life of a shinobi was a busy, dangerous one. There was little time for laugh and play, especially as you all got older. It was easier when you’d just graduated from the academy. All of the missions given to new genin were level D to C, little things like gardening or finding lost pets that didn’t take much time or require you to even leave the village. It was easy for everyone to find time to get together and hang out.

But as time passed, things changed. Everyone’s ranks were different, some people like Shikamaru took up more political roles in the village. It was easy to drift apart without even realizing it.

So tonight was one of those rare moments where the stars aligned and the old group was able to get together to hang out.

The venue of choice; a karaoke bar.

It was the first time you were all able to drink together… Well, legally at least.

“Thanks, Kiba.” You giggled, giving him a flirtatious wink as you took the drink he’d just bought you, sipping it. Did you like Kiba? No. But was he fun to flirt with? Absolutely. And if that flirting led to him wanting to buy your drinks for you, well, who were you to deny him?

Kiba was cute; that wasn’t the problem. Heck, most of the guys from the Leaf were cute and way too easy to get along with. You’d known them practically your whole life, grown up together even, but despite all their great qualities, it was only one shinobi who had your heart, and he didn’t even know it. 

The first time you’d seen Lee was before the first test in the Chunin exams. He had easily taken on Naruto and Sasuke without batting an eye. He was so swift, so smooth, you’d watched him in awe. He was a bit eccentric, but had a focus and prowess you’d never experienced before. You thought he was amazing.

You were content to watch him from afar until the preliminaries. During his fight with Gaara, you’d held your breath, watched in horror and amazement as he took on the demon of the sand. You didn’t think you breathed once during that battle.

Lee lost, was almost killed by Gaara before Guy stopped him, but it was the best you’d ever seen someone fight in your life.

Timidly and nervously, you visited Lee in the hospital that day. He was unconscious, but in stable condition. You didn’t know what motivated you, but you began to visit every day, leaving flowers and small treats for Lee to wake up to.

When he finally had woken, you were trying to slink out of the room quietly when you heard him speaking, causing you to freeze in your tracks. 

“Who are you?”

Apprehensively, you turned to face Lee with a small smile. You’d never been shy, but there was something about Lee that made you weak-kneed.

After introducing yourself, you went back to his bedside. “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re very strong. You’re so skilled and quick; I think you’re the best ninja I’ve ever seen…”

You were only thirteen, didn’t have much experience in the ninja world, so the words you spoke were true. You didn’t know if telling him that, as a total stranger, would make him think you were weird.

Imagine your shock when Lee burst out in happy tears.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

You supported Lee in his recovery, and even when he couldn’t go on missions himself, he cheered you on from the sideline.

From the very beginning, it was evident to everyone in the village that you were head-over-heels for Lee. Your quiet bashfulness when Lee was around was a stark contrast to your usual loud and confident self. Everyone knew about your crush.

Everyone except for Lee.

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Tenten asked you once. “You never know.”

But you’d only shaken your head. “He loves Sakura. Everyone knows that.” You told her. “Besides. We’re friends. I don’t want to ruin that friendship.”

So despite your friendliness, your flirtatious nature, and the fact that you could have just about any of the rookie nine wrapped around your finger if you so pleased, you weren’t interested in any of them.

Rock Lee was the only one that had your heart and he didn’t even know it. He never would.

Instead of focusing on that, or the cute way Lee’s cheeks went red after he took a shot, or how Lee spent a lot of time that night talking to Sakura, you took shots with Ino and Tenten and let Kiba buy you drinks and danced with Choji when he asked.

Overall, the night was going great. Everyone was having a good time and getting along and so far only Naruto had gotten just a little too drunk; everyone else was riding a nice buzz.

Shikamaru had just finished a less than enthusiastic rendition of “The Lazy Song” that had left everyone doubled over laughing at the irony. “Who should go next!?” Naruto yelled, looking around to see who still hadn’t sung a song.

And okay, maybe Naruto wasn’t the only one who had drank just a little too much. Watching Lee sit and laugh with Sakura the past hour had left you feeling just a tad bit jealous, leading you to drink more than you normally would. He’d barely said anything to you that, and the two of you were supposed to be friends.

“What’s so good about Sakura anyways? She’s really not that great.” You swished the liquid in your cup, mumbling the words you knew you would regret the next morning. Sakura had never been anything but nice to you; you knew she didn’t deserve to be the target of your jealousy. 

Ino snickered. “Geez you’ve got it bad.” She commented with a roll of her eyes before hearing Naruto’s question. Her eyes lit up, and, grinning, she hurried to the microphone, looking through the book of songs available to sing. She flipped through for a moment or two before turning to Naruto and whispering something to him.

All of this escaped your attention as you were drowning in the misery of your own thoughts before you realized: everyone was chanting your name. You blinked, looking around to see everyone staring at you, pounding on tables and counters as they encouraged you to get up and sing.

Laughing, you shook your head nervously, not wanting to go embarrass yourself before Lee caught your eye. Even he was encouraging you to go up and perform. Well, if he wanted you to, then you would sing your heart out!

You downed two more shots before pushing to your feet, which was an obvious mistake.

The alcohol always hit hardest after you stood up.

“Woah, there.” Tenten laughed, standing to help you. Somehow, you made it to the stage. Naruto snickered as he passed you the microphone. He couldn’t wait to see this.

You held the microphone tightly in your hands as your eyes scanned the room with all your friends staring expectantly at you and cheering you on. You felt good. Really good. Your vision was blurry, head dizzy, stomach warm, and everything about you was giddy. It was your turn, and you were ready to make a statement. 

Glancing at the screen, you saw the name of the song appear. Heart Attack by Demi Lovato.

“I’m gonna dedicate this song to someone very special to me,” You slurred into the microphone, giggling. Your friends in the crowd whooped and cheered as the music began. 

“This one’s for you Lee!”

With that, you closed your eyes to block out the reactions of everyone and everything, and you sang. You sang your little heart out, put on the drunken performance of a lifetime. Your years of pent up feelings and nerves and fears surrounding Lee all went into that song.

As you sang the last word, you opened your eyes again, taking in everyone’s reaction. Glee, surprise, happiness. You were grinning; you’d killed it.

That was when your eyes landed on Lee. It was hard for you to gage his reaction. More than anything he looked… confused. And that was when the weight of what you’d just done settled on you. Oh shit.

You’d all but confessed your feelings for Lee… Drunkenly… In front of everyone.

The realization was all it took for you to sober up. Quickly, you shoved the microphone back into Naruto’s hands and fled the karaoke bar.

You weren’t really sure how you’d even made it home. Everything was kind of blurry. You remember running from the karaoke bar, a girl’s voice, probably Tenten’s, calling after you. You remember vomiting. A lot. That’s actually what you were doing now. You’d woken up with your head basically in the toilet.

You could have gone for some blissful moments where you didn’t remember what had caused you to sprint home from the bar, but alas, you couldn’t forget.

You’d confessed your years long crush through song.

How were you ever going to face Lee again?

You wouldn’t, you decided. You would spend the rest of your life in that house. You could have your groceries delivered, you weren’t going to need new clothes if you never went outside. You would just lay in your bed until you withered away into nothingness.

~

“You can’t stay in here forever,” Tenten rolled her eyes, tugging the blanket that you were hiding under off the bed.

“Watch me,” you whined in reply, holding a pillow over your head. “I totally embarrassed myself! He probably thinks I’m so lame!”

Tenten could only snicker at that. “Lee? Thinking you’re lame? Right.”

It took a bit of convincing, and you were basically kicking and screaming, but Tenten was able to drag you out of your home back into the real world. “No one’s going to care,” She assured you as the two of you walked. “We were all plastered. I’m sure no one will even remember!”

If only that were true. 

“Hey!” Kiba called as he and Naruto approached you and Tenten. “Have you guys seen Lady Tsunade around here? I have this pain in my chest…”

Naruto grabbed Kiba’s arm in mock fear. “Oh no! Kiba, are you having a heart attack!?” 

The two of them doubled over in hysterics; tears were even streaming down their faces. You could feel your face burning red in embarrassment. You’d never wanted to disappear so badly. 

“Beat it you two!” Tenten snapped, grabbing your arm and pulling you away. “Ignore them! They’re idiots!”

Head buried in your hands, you shook your head. “God! How am I ever going to live this down! I’m going home!” You pulled out of Tenten’s grip. “I’m going to move villages, change my name, and make sure Lee never sees my face again!”

“Uh, well, if that’s the case you better run…” Tenten said awkwardly, nudging you. “Because Lee’s coming this way…”

And there he was. In his green jumpsuit, bowlcut and all, Lee was heading straight for you. God you were sure you were going to vomit again.

“Good morning Tenten,” Lee greeted, though nowhere near in his usual upbeat tone. “Would you mind giving us a moment alone?” He asked. Tenten glanced over at you nervously.

“Yeah… Sure Lee…”

~

“I do not understand it, Sakura.” Lee sighed, toying with the drink in his hands as his eyes were locked on you drinking and laughing with Tenten and Ino. “I have never had any issue telling you that I think you are beautiful. But with her… It is different.”

Sakura giggled, feeling the drink in her own veins. “Because, Lee. You like her like her. You should just tell her!” Even drunk, Sakura would never betray your trust by telling Lee the obvious; that you liked him as much as he liked you. But it was infuriating to sit on both sides listening to the two of you cry over your feelings day after day and not tell you!

Lee shook his head, taking a gulp from his drink. “I cannot. I am not like Guy Sensei, as much as I try to be. I am not cool or good looking. I do not think I am smooth. I do not know how to talk to a girl I like.”

It took everything in Sakura not to burst out laughing. Guy Sensei? Cool? Good looking? Smooth?

“This is ridiculous. How much longer do I have to hear about how great you think she is before you finally tell her?!”

Rock Lee could barely hear Sakura; he was zoned in on you. Everything about you entranced Lee from the very first time he saw you trying to sneak out of his hospital room. You were beautiful, of course. Your hair always seemed to fall just right. Your smile brightened up a room. The kindness in your heart radiated from you. He loved how confident and outgoing you were and that you had an energy that could match his.

It wasn’t like Lee hadn’t tried to tell you before. There were plenty of times when it was just the two of you that he was tempted, but he could never get it out. There just weren’t many people that he connected so easily with. Guy Sensei was his idol; he wanted to be just like his sensei! But that wasn’t the same as having a friend. Even with his teammates, there was a level of professionalism to it all--maybe thanks to Neji--that kept him from feeling like he could truly be understood. 

But with you, everything was so easy. Laughing came easily, talking and opening up about the things he struggled with… There was a naturalness to it he’d never experienced before. He was terrified to lose it. 

So that night at the karaoke bar, he sat with Sakura whining about the same thing he had been for months now instead of doing something about it. That wasn’t like Lee at all, but that was what you did to him. You made him so nervous he couldn’t even be him.

He was sure you knew his eyes were locked on you all night, ogling like a total weirdo. He’d barely even talked to you. He had hoped that the alcohol would loosen him up and spur him into action, but he’d just shut down even more, causing him to wallow in his own self pity.

Why couldn’t he be more like Kiba? He was over there, so smooth and cool, grinning and chatting you up and buying you drinks. Lee wanted to be that guy to you!

“Oh, look! She’s gonna sing next!” Sakura nudged Lee, nodding at the stage where you were grasping the microphone. You were clearly inebriated, and the redness in your cheeks just made you look all the cuter to him.

“I’m gonna dedicate this song to someone very special to me!” Lee’s heart dropped into his stomach. He couldn’t even hope that he would be the one that you would devote a song to. So when it was his name that had left your mouth, he sat in there in a state of shock. It wasn’t even dawning on him. Sakura shook his shoulder excitedly as you belt out the lyrics to Heart Attack. 

“Lee, she’s singing to you!” 

It just couldn’t process. Was it the alcohol? Was it the absolute surprise at what was happening? Whatever it was, by the time you had finished, Lee had continued to stare at you, open mouthed. It was only when you’d sprinted out of the bar that Lee had come to his senses.

He’d done his best to follow you, but he was drunker than he thought and had stumbled around just a little too long. By the time he’d gotten himself straightened out, you were long gone.

He’d stayed up all night long thinking about it, thinking about you. 

The whole night, he turned it over and over again in his mind; what else could that have meant other than you liked him back? It was too good to be true! But it was true? Lee drove himself mad.

The goal with his walk wasn’t necessarily to find you. Moreso, he had just wanted to clear his head, maybe get advice from Guy Sensei. But he’d ran into you and Tenten before he could do any of that.

As Tenten gave the two of you space, he stared at you bashfully. The longer the silence went on, the redder his cheeks became. Just as he was getting up the courage to say something, you broke the ice.

“Lee, look. About last night… I’m sorry. That was so embarrassing! I was just so drunk and… I wasn't thinking straight.” You were rambling on nervously, scratching the back of your head and avoiding his gaze, acting like you wanted to laugh the whole thing off. 

Lee nodded slowly, letting your words sink in. So… He had misread the whole thing, then? The thought hit him like a blow to the stomach, taking the breath straight out of him. That sucked. “Right, of course!” He said quickly. “It is okay, really. I had drunk a lot as well!”

How did he get out of here? Lee was tempted to drop the weights from his ankles and take off running as fast as he could.

The discomfort was plain on his face, though. You knew Lee well; you could tell something was wrong.

You had to drop your playful facade. You felt like you’d really screwed things up. “Are… Are you mad at me?” You finally asked him quietly.

The question startled Lee. He frowned, tilting his head. “Why would I be upset with you? You are my friend.” You could only shrug helplessly. You were sad and embarrassed and confused, and now Lee was upset. Of course you thought it was your fault. You didn’t know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

The silence was heavy, making you sigh and shake your head. “Well, uh, I should go meet up with Tenten again…” You mumbled, staring at the floor. After this, she definitely couldn’t drag you out of your bedroom again.

You lifted your hand, waving goodbye before turning away. You didn’t get more than a step away before Lee was grabbing your arm, his body reacting quicker than his mind. “Wait. Please.”

Of course you stopped, turning back to face him. You were too fearful to be hopeful, unwilling to get excited for something that wouldn’t happen, but you held your breath anyways as you stared up at him.

“I was not completely honest. I am upset, it is just not with you…” When you didn’t respond, only continued to stare at him with those earnest eyes, he had no choice but continue. He dropped your arm, his hand going to nervously rub at the back of his neck instead. He didn’t know how to do this, but he had the feeling it was now or never.

“The truth is, yesterday when you sang that song, and you said you were dedicating it to me, I believed it was because you had feelings for me. So just now, when you said you were not thinking straight, it made me upset because I have feelings for you. I was hoping that you would tell me that you felt the same…”

You didn’t think you’d ever seen Lee so red before. It was like a cartoon, the way it creeped up from his chin all the way to his forehead, shooting up like a thermometer. You could only imagine that you looked the same. Your face felt like it was on fire. 

It took a moment for it all to sink in. There was a pause before it dawned on you; Lee just confessed that he had feelings for you! He liked you! The giddiness sent trembles through you as you broke out into a huge grin that you couldn’t stop.

“Lee, you idiot!” You laughed, smacking his arm. “I do like you! That’s the whole reason I humiliated myself in front of everyone yesterday!”

You know that look that Lee gets when he’s happy? His pupils dilate, glistening like googly eyes. The blush dusts the tops of his cheeks, he even gets a bit teary eyed.

All classic Lee and exactly what you got after your confession.

“I cannot believe it!” He cried, pulling you into a hug and twirling you around without hesitation. Now that he had confirmation about how you felt, any inhibitions he had been harboring were gone just like that. He wasn’t going to waste another moment not showing you exactly how he felt. “I have wanted to tell you for so long! I just did not think you felt the same way! This is fantastic!”

Lee’s enthusiasm was as contagious as ever. It didn’t take long before you were hugging Lee back and laughing along with him. When he finally calmed down, Lee released you, taking your hands in his instead and grinning at you.

“So does this mean you will go on a date with me?”

“Is that you asking me?” You giggled. Lee nodded enthusiastically. “Then yes; of course I will.”

Lee pulled you into another hug. “Would you like to know something?” He questioned, giggling childishly, so of course you nodded. “I almost had a heart attack asking you that question!”

The groan was immediate as you pulled away, smacking your forehead. “Lee!” You whined, cringing in embarrassment. “I am also having a heart attack trying to work up the nerve to do this…” For a guy that was so fast, he moved agonizingly slow as he leaned down to press his lips to yours. A heart attack, huh? Yeah, you were never going to live that down. But if this was the price to pay, well then, you didn’t mind all that much.

[inked-out-trees]

⭐ for The Keep Going Song? Thanks! :)

(anh i would die for you)

Thank you for asking! I am going to be talking about the whole thing because it's fun, and because there's not really many ~secrets~ within the text to ramble about, just little fun snippets!

I'll do it under a cut because I will definitely ramble. Woohoo!

I came across The Keep Going Song (the song) after my Lookout 3 Companion Playlist (& my spotify discovery) introduced me to the Bengsons. The effect was almost instantaneous - it's the kind of warmth I try to encompass in everything I do, and for the next few days I had it on repeat as I worked. This was around the time I was finishing my Lookout script, and I had been toying with the idea of writing a Cornleyverse fic after absolutely devouring all 10 fics in the tag. What I knew was that I wanted it to be sweet, I wanted it to pull them all together, and I wanted it to be a progression. Despite only having seen the Goes Wrong Show, jumping into the fandom made me want to dimensionalize these characters and give them a story beyond everything that had already occured.

I also watched Christmas Carol before / during the writing process, but to date I have not watched Peter Pan or the full-length TPTGW. My prior knowledge comes from Wikipedia, the delightul amateur TPTGW production on YouTube, a friend's excellent transcription of the Haversham Manor script, and tumblr meta analysis. I think I did a reasonable enough job pretending I knew what I was doing.

Let's get going!

I knew off the top that it was going to be vignettes - they would give me room to spread the story over the long period of time it takes for a group of people to grow into something resembling a family. Like I said in the original author's note, there was supposed to be more of the early, snippy days - but I got so focused on making them kinder that I found I couldn't properly write a fight. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier if I tried writing that first, but, well. Once I realized that it was too late. The alphabet idea came later, once I had them all finished: I wanted to organize them somehow, but numbers felt too open, too infinite - closing the story on an organizational endpoint was just really satisfying.

a - Every good story needs a good beginning.

c - Starting with the end of Peter Pan is my sneaky way of slipping past the fact that I haven't seen the earlier shows! The Max and Sandra storyline is just so sweet, and I wanted to let it exist a little bit in between our jump from Peter Pan to Christmas Carol. This vignette came so easily when I wrote it and I love love love the feelings and the tentativity about the whole thing.

f - This was actually the last vignette I wrote. I realized I needed some front-end padding because otherwise my angst plot came rather abruptly, and what better way? At this point, too, I was trying to bring in POVs from each one of our characters, and when deciding on Trevor's POV I thought the exasperation-excitement combination would be an excellent choice. It turns out Trevor is my favourite to write, mostly because I can find his voice a lot easier than some of the others - and probably also because I hold a lot of fondness and nostalgia for stage crew work. Also, I wrote most of this one on a long evening walk in the notes app on my phone. Fun fact.

h - I did my original idea slam in a draft tumblr post, and this one just says "birthday party but one without all the drama of christmas carol". And what do you know, that's exactly what it is! I definitely took the birthday party (in CCGW as well as in this fic) as a kind of proof that they really do like each other, if they're doing things like this and if they want to do things like this - and that theme of okay, they want to be here formed the basis for this part. I think it's exceptionally sweet that Dennis came looking for friends and ended up finding, well, something. And I popped in a little MMNI reference with "one of the Janines" - Backwards Janine? Frontwards Janine? Original Janine? Who knows! It's one of them!

l - The thing about this plot is that it's actually one of the first ideas I had when dreaming up this fic, and I couldn't quite let it go. The point was, what if I somehow split them up? How can they get on when half the society is out of commission? And the most reasonable way I could find to actually get half of them out of commission was the car accident. To be honest, this one is mostly filler - it's also the second vignette I wrote, and it found its birth in the email drafts of my work laptop.

m - Trying to map out this little plotline without overdoing it might have been the most difficult part of this fic, and I'm still not 100% sure I succeeded. This is our explanation for the unease from the vignette above, and it took me 3 rewrites before I finally found something that settled in my brain. "Dennis gets chased by a goose" might be one of my favourite lines in the fic though.

Also, putting these letters right next to each other made me feel really clever for no reason.

n - My Jonathan perspective also took a few stutter-steps in its beginning, but this one ultimately came from the promo video's reveal that Robert and Dennis live together, and me playing with the continual idea of the remaining cast members being rather unmoored in their injured castmates' absence. Robert in particular because I love his character and I love making him Feel Things(TM) (fun hint: this will also be a small theme in the new cpds fic I have in the works!) and I want to see so much from this odd relationship between him and Dennis. Obviously they have to tolerate each other if they are willingly roommates - how far can I go with that? I love how this one turned out.

o - All I have to say about this one is that I still really love the sweetness between these two, and they deserve the world. Also, at some point during writing this I was really caught up with how striking Dave's face silhouette is (don't ask) so that ended up making it in somehow.

q - Girls' Night is SO important to me. After all the work they've done to make these gals friends I needed to capture it, and a pleasant night in just made a lot of sense. This one is the home of a few of my headcanons - Annie has a chef roommate and Max does a lot of the cooking, thus the "neither of us are the usual household cooks" comments, and I also think they're at the point where they can joke about their previous failures (especially with these three together) so the nod to A Trial To Watch (my favourite gws episode) was so fun. Also, Waking Ned really is a silly pick-me-up of a movie - would recommend. Special thanks to CBC for giving us Canadians quality British TV alongside our occasionally questionable homegrown programming.

r - It wouldn't be a fic about progress and growth with this crew without a disheartening moment turned into gold. I wrote this one while barbecuing, another fun fact, and no joke the hardest part was figuring out what to name the play they were doing. I kept pace with the whole "Jonathan can't get onscreen" gag, which was personally hilarious and made me cackle as I wrote it, and the rest of it just felt good. I will always have a soft spot for comfort and reassurance in a story and getting to write it has just been an absolute delight.

t - This was one of my other unplanned vignettes. It was originally to fill out Robert's POV, but also to express a bit of how things have changed in Chris's attitude towards his cast - if there's one thing I would change from Mischief's characerisation thus far, it's this brand of almost-kindness that I consistently need to write him with. It takes the aftermath of the car accident and uses it to kind of make him understand - this is a valuable group of people and I don't want to lose it. But of course he's not the type of person to actually express that in any way, so I thought the frenetic hovering was a good way to get the point across. As well, the kind-of-bonding between Chris and Robert - the two of them are such powerhouses of insistent personality that conflict so easily but they've also got a more secret kind of friendship that deserves to be explored a little more. I really like this vignette and how it ended up portraying how they are around each other, how they really do know each other, especially when they're not fighting. Makes me soft.

w - This is the first vignette I wrote! I honestly didn't realize until writing this just how much I identify with Annie - best of both worlds re. crew and cast, a bit of tenacity regarding getting through things, overall personality - I just love her so so much. She also seems like the most sensible of the cast, so the collective "why are we really here?" moment with Trevor really spoke to me. I love their friendship, I love the kind of quiet vibe this vignette gives off - this is one of the ones I can feel most strongly, the one I can step into and exist inside. I also spent most of my old drama rehearsals and classes without shoes, so that had to make it in just by virtue of the sock brigade (me).

z - One thing I knew for sure since the inception of the fic was that it needed to end on a victory. I took the images I had of this victorious adrenaline, everyone together having a good time, kind of getting smashed, and karaoke (I really wanted the karaoke, for some reason) and went the obvious route: the wedding. Ending on Chris POV also felt so right - possibly because he's the one with the most growth in this fic - and getting to finally feel this triumph with him after all these other trials and tribulations was an absolute joy. The wedding hall, in my head, looks like the one my cousin used (it was at a zoo... my sister and I went on a night walk and heard a lot of screaming peacocks) and I definitely threw all my wistfulness, all my love for the characters I'd developed, and all my love for this fantastic fandom into this part. The incorrect lyrics that Annie sings are exactly what I think every time I hear that song, because I've never looked up the lyrics before and my brain likes to play Mad Libs with my super-questionable auditory processing. And the image of the ballroom staff getting really exasperated with them and shutting all the lights off came to me at night and is hastily scribbled on a sticky note (it's a wonder it's legible) but I still strongly believe that it's the perfect, perfect way to end. I still get the warm feelings when I reread this part, even now, after so many reads.

And, finally - our end quote is exactly what started this whole thing. What is this drama society if not a rough beginning? But the concept that we'll make it through, that we can just take a step and then another and it'll be okay because we're together... it's hard to describe just how much it means to me, to my place in the world, to the world itself. I think one of my rather consistent aims in writing, no matter what it is, is to be able to have this collective - characters that become family, people that are important to each other, this constellation to lean on - because it's all I can say for the human experience. It's probably quite a bit of wishful thinking (as I said to another friend, "I am apparently letting loose on all my repressed social feelings of the past year and shoving them into fics") and a sort of subconscious confirmation that if I write it, I can be it. So this force of understanding and kindness and ultimately good people helping each other through the world is something I can't help but include, something that means the absolute world to me.

I'm so glad to have been able to share this fic with everyone, and extra glad that it's been able to touch some people along the way. I've found such an incredible community in Mischief and coincidentally I think The Keep Going Song represents that warmth, too - the community I've been so lucky to exist inside, how we're helping each other along, step by step. What a beautiful thing to be a part of! Thank you for reading and allowing me to give you a bit of my heart. 💖💖

[empressxmachina]

Is THIS what will push me to make an AO3 account? (not clickbait) (surprising)

[See this journal in a better layout on my blog site or on DeviantArt.]

I’ve fallen so down abysmal for the Help, I Shrunk My… series – “…Teacher“, then “…Parents”, and finally (?) “…Friends” – especially the last movie and its scenes between peers, that I have such an uncharacteristic urge to write a fanfic.

Yep, fanfic. I did say uncharacteristic. But with the cuteness and quality, especially at certain scenes in “…Friends” like below, I don’t think you can blame me.

“Holy shit, I’m going to pass out/die/shit myself/etc.” -me, at nearly everything in this series

(Post?) Pubescent Pairings

A. The Classic Couple.

I’m already, because I’m a serial romantic that loves a good self-insert, thinking to name the whole story “Help, I Shrunk My Lover/Girlfriend” or something cheesy like that (maybe even in German?) for Felix and Ella to be stuck together and have to deal with (post?-) pubescent awkwardness. I mean, I feel so honey-dicked that we got cute shit like this and its amazing scene…

God, look at that FOV, the (lack of) focus, the size difference, the subtitle, that face… Fuck.

…but it had to be ruined because – SPOILER – the dumb, lusting teen boy couldn’t see what was literally right in front of him for years until the end of the third movie! Plus, being steps away from a married couple of hotheads, who knows what kind of fights or arguments they’d get into? Are you telling me you wouldn’t want a scene like this again?

That stick is actually way too big to really be a toothpick (or is it?), but I’m not mad. We stan a brave queen.

B. The Will-They/Won’t-They Duo

I’m thinking of making Mario and Melanie into each other, too, as irony based on how much they hated each other for most of the last movie. She stole his phone (and everything else) and then his heart. (lol, I’m so sorry.) Maybe she’d still have some fancies for Felix but then sees that Mario has redeeming qualities of his own, on top of a rich background (not that it matters, but money is cool). My main focus in mind was just for Ella to be shrunken, with Melanie being the supportive gal pal, but given she’s new and hasn’t yet been small herself, maybe this would be the time.

I think Mario would’ve totally gotten over the prepubescent power drive from the first movie by now and certainly no longer has even the slightest grudge over Melanie causing and/or catalyzing chaos that could be played with if he had to deal with a small her. Surely.

C. The Bros in the Back

Would it be too presumptive to make Chris and Robert maybe gay for each other… or even absolutely the opposite? I respect a strong friendship and/or bromance, and LGBTQ+ representation is always a win, too. But for either, I don’t want to do anything “just because” or because it’s “(not) woke;” it should add to the story and have meaning. After all, a situation like “Dude, I love you, and I’ll love you forever, but not like that” could be just as cute. We stan supportive introspection between men. Bros before hoes, you know?

Though, maybe they’re likely the great masterminds to figure out what/why the plot thickens. They seem like the most intelligent of the squad, even if they were only henchmen at the beginning.

D. The Elders

I guess it would only make sense for Schmitty or Felix’s parents to get shrunk again, as is tradition. Maybe the former would be due to considering retirement from teaching/being principal.

I’d do anything to get Hausmeister Michalsky protecting her with his hat again.

As for the parents, it’d likely be a wrong place, wrong time situation. I don’t know.

Unless Sandra and Peter were snooping again, I doubt Felix would willingly do this to them.

Overarching Themes

Aging for Innuendo

Regarding all this, I do know that I’d like to make the story time-skipped a bit, making the kids at least U.S.-adult-aged for my own sake. I am a fan of double entendre, cheekiness, and raw emotion, so I’d love to spill them all over a story or characterization if fitting. However, I couldn’t bear to see or write any kiddos explicitly going through with any entailed implications – that shit’s illegal, lmao. Plus, why even risk something like that when an age-up takes away all the trouble, thus not make any innuendos or ideas awkward?

In a fun way, small or not, wouldn’t seeing the gang party together with real man’s drinks or whatever be cool? What about someone getting turnt on a thimble’s worth or a gummy bear’s paw?

The cups have been used. That’s adorable. +10 points for realism.

In a trash way, if a greater trust was built between Felix and Ella to wear one would suggest taking a bath with the other, and a small Ella floating in the soap ocean bumps into something on her back, only to realize all of Felix’s (normal) limbs are out of distance, in view, and/or just not able to touch her yet he’s blushing, then what would that imply? (It could be nothing, but it could be something.)

Why, Though?

I just can’t figure out a supposedly new catalyst for the ultimate shrinking plot point, mostly due to the main chaos causers, aka the ancient magic users that tackled the school, being sent to the Shadow Realm in the last movie. I do have some ideas, but I’d always love to hear more.

*Oh, Hulda Stechbarth… Bless this crazy bitch, lol.

Throughout the series, people going to our wanting to go to America was frequently brought up. Maybe, like Ilvermorny is to Hogwarts, maybe there’s a (maybe American) (college?) counterpart to the Leonhard school that is interested in the kids. Could the sudden shrinking be a part of the admissions or entrance exam process, such as figuring out how to reverse it? I can’t imagine someone still wanting to go to a school that risked its prospective students’ lives, but who knows? Still, I’m sure the friends would debate whether going overseas for any school is the best idea, especially with the ridiculous costs. Could differing views cause tension?

What if one between Felix and Ella considered it, but the other didn’t, and a coincidentally timed dream for them to stay together – not unlike Minami-kun no Koibito, if you know it – made one of them small with no way for Felix to turn the affected back to normal (due to the tests)? What if people start believing that Felix is intentionally not transforming people back, despite not being at fault but trying his best the whole time?

I suppose another villain is cool, too, but what would be their spite? Would Felix getting all of Leonhard’s power be enough to spark something?

***

I want to do this, but I rarely finish anything now. I can’t even think of a proper plot! Maybe putting this out into the world will inspire myself or even someone else to give a fanfic a shot or at least expose this series to our fandom more (like when I found Dwarfina and blushed at every scene, despite not knowing a lick of Tagalog)!

The third movie pretty much just released, so I only see it (legally) able for streaming (via renting or buying) via Vudu and Amazon Prime Video (in the U.S.). It maybe more widespread in Germany where it was made. (Though, VPNs do exist…) But the first and second movies can be bought or rented from multiple sources, surely.

In any case, let me know what y’all think, and feel free to share your thoughts!

[johnkrrasinski]

𝐄𝐱𝐢𝐥𝐞

Chapter 2: Those Eyes Add Insult to Injury

full masterlist // series masterlist // commission open // support my work

Pairings: Dark!Steve Rogers (in future chapters) x Reader

Word Count: 2,554

Summary: Steve Rogers; a Hollywood A-lister and your clandestine occasional hookup. Best friends since childhood, but people change and friendships fall out. Now you were merely strangers with benefits. What happens when one day you stopped being his doormat to be a better man’s queen? The selfish Steve Rogers would not like it. How far is he willing to go to get his favorite possession back?

Warnings: smut, non-con/dub-con, dark Steve (in later chapter), angst, Steve Rogers is an asshole in this one, no redeeming qualities. (MUST BE 18+)

A/N: this series is dedicated to the lovely @belovedcherry​​ who commissioned this story and developed the concept. thank you for being a friend when i truly needed it. i’m really glad that you trusted me to write this story for you. with all my heart, i sincerely hope you like it. this series will be updated everyday, there will be 4 more chapters ahead.

Several years had passed since you graduated. You and Wanda remained close despite the bustle of life would get in the way sometimes. She got accepted in Yale University and she chose to study Psychology. Maybe that’s why she and you got along so well. You both were humanitarians at hearts.

College was a lot more fun than high school but that also meant the bigger pressure would come along in one package. Nothing that you didn’t expect. You went into social study major to groom yourself for the future you had set for yourself. Life went along as methodically as you originally designed.

But fate was a comical thing sometimes. When it has settled its decision to place two people who have such a rich history in their past together, it would be inevitable and inescapable one way or another.

The past couple of years of high school, you and Steve were practically strangers who went to the same school. He never greeted or talked to you anymore in class and he abandoned every ritual you had in the good old days. He stopped calling or texting, he stopped answering and he stopped coming over.

He just… stopped knowing you.

There wasn’t a day that passed by without you pondering about where did it all go wrong? How did the fair-headed friendship that bloomed like the flowers in spring slip away as briskly as a bottle of wine? A million questions rushed through your nostalgic head and as the season changed, the gap between you and Steve kept extending wider and wider.

You didn’t even know whether he really went to college or not. Or perhaps, he decided to go straight into auditions and found himself a good agent who was willing to manage his career. You still remember when he was so eager to do whatever it takes to study in NYU but you assumed that things had changed since then. He was a different person, after all, maybe he had new plans to pursue his dreams. But of course, life deprecated its surprises being spoiled.

Who would’ve warned you that you would get accepted to New York University as well as Steve?

You didn’t know until you ran into him at a sorority party that you were reluctant to go at first because you were never that much of a party gal, but your roommate, Natasha coerced you to.

Natasha was a kind person but she could also be a little bold than you were used to. You were grateful that she was your roommate though, you were a little worried that you might have to live with someone who was mean or untidy, everything that Natasha was not. You could imagine the relief when you learned how organized and sensible Natasha was. You had a feeling that the friendship you and Natasha had was going to last a lifetime.

“My sweet girl, y/n, I love you but you really gotta put yourself out there, okay? Forget that motherfucker Steve Rogers. He ain’t shit. If you go to the party with me, you might actually find yourself a decent guy who’s a lot cuter than him and who will treat you right. Because if he doesn’t then I’m gonna kick his ass and he will think twice before cheating on you.”

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend, Nat. Besides, I don’t care about Steve anymore,” you lied. “It’s not even about him, I’m just simply not much of a partier.”

“Bullshit. You are now. Let’s go. I won’t hear any more excuses.”

So you had no other choice but to put on a simple dress and went to the party with Nat. There was no saying no to her when she had made up her mind. Plus, you thought it would be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the vicinity and your potential classmates.

You also wrote a new resolution in your invisible diary that you were going to expand your connection in college and socialize more. You were only really friends with Wanda back in high school. You also shared a few classes with Pete Parker who was nice and smart, despite being a little gauche sometimes and you would often talk to him but that was it.

You also lost your childhood best friend who knew you better than anyone else before Wanda did. It truly deteriorated your trust issues and that’s why it was difficult for you to insert yourself in social situations and just effortlessly talk with any stranger.

You stood in the corner with a red plastic cup in your hand that was still almost full of beer. You didn’t drink either so you had no idea why you even bothered holding it. Maybe it gave you a sense of comfort that you wouldn’t be totally alone in this party.

Natasha had asked you to dance but you knew you’d look like an untrained clown at a circus, so you refused to join her. Natasha was currently lost in the music, dancing with a guy named Clint. You had no idea who the hell he was but he seemed nice, and you knew that if Clint had bad intentions with Natasha, he wouldn’t stand a chance and you wouldn’t let him so you assigned yourself the job to watch over Natasha and bring her home safely in case she chugs down a little too much alcohol.

Your eyes wandered around the room, trying to recognize and learn some faces. It felt like you were the only lonely person in the room as the exuberant music faded into the background. Everything felt slow and steady until the person who just walked through the door made your heart stop.

It was Steve. Steve Rogers.

The person you had incessantly wondered about. You hadn’t seen him in over a year even during the gap between graduating and starting your freshman year in college. You were too occupied in moving out, spending as many time as possible with Wanda and your family and filling out college requirements. Steve would emerge in your mind every once in a while but you tried to erase him away as quickly as possible when it happens because you didn’t want to waste your time missing a ghost and someone who probably never spared a second of his life thinking about you too when you are surrounded with your loved ones for the last time.

You didn’t know when you were going to be able to see Wanda again. She was going to New Haven and that means, it would take at least at two hours drive to visit her so you cherished the last moments that you had with her. She was like a sister to you. You still talked to Wanda nearly every day through texts but you also didn’t want to intrude her study too much. Besides, you had your own duties too as a college student now.

So why did it feel like your lungs stopped functioning when you saw his gorgeous face and those familiar pair of cerulean blue eyes? He had a grin on his face as he walked in with five other college boys. You didn’t know who they were but you assumed they were his new group of nitwit friends. Steve was wearing a brown leather jacket with a black shirt underneath.

He walked to where the kegs were with the boys trailing him along like they were his security team. They joked with each other boisterously as if they owned the place. Typical. Nothing you hadn’t seen in high school. But you couldn’t avert your sights from Steve. You were too riveted by the fact that Steve was here, at a sorority party of NYU.

It couldn’t really be him, right? I mean, is this serious? You two really attended the same university? This must be a joke.

Your thoughts were quickly interrupted when Nat pat your shoulder with her energy still blazing from the dance floor. “Whew, that was fun but I need some drink now.”

You didn’t respond as your lips were still agape, not knowing what you were supposed to say to her.

“Y/N? You alright? You look like you saw a ghost.” 

“He’s here.”

“What? Who?”

“Steve Rogers. The guy that I told you about.”

“Where?!”

You pointed in his direction where he was surrounded by a bunch of pretty girls in skimpy dresses now. One of them was groping his bicep shamelessly and Steve had his arm around her waist. She threw her head back as she laughed cheerfully at something he just said.

“You gotta talk to him! Have some closure.”

“What? What the hell am I supposed to say to him?”

“Tell him that you and him are through and maybe, throw a drink at him afterwards. That scumbag deserves it.”

“Nat, no! Are you insane? I don’t wanna cause a scene.”

“But you can’t just let him get away with whatever he wants, y/n!”

“No, let’s just go home and forget it, okay?”

“Alright, if you’re not gonna talk to him, then I will.”

“No, Nat! Stop! What are you doing?! ” But she was already approaching him with ardent footsteps and fire in her guts as she brazenly inserted herself into the middle of the scene.

“Excuse me,” she sarcastically greeted the group. “Yeah, hi, I just need a minute. Are you Steve Rogers?”

You followed behind her but you stood just a few feet away from the incident so that Steve wouldn’t see you. But you could see from over Nat’s shoulder that Steve had a perplexed look on his face. His eyebrows were furrowed and all the girls around him were staring at Nat like she was a crazy person who just randomly popped up uninvited.

“…yeah.” He answered.

“Oh, so you’re the asshole that my roommate has been talking about. Man, she really didn’t lie.”

“Excuse me?” The puzzled look on his face turned into an offended one.

“Yeah, my roommate y/n. Does that ring a bell?”

He was aghasted at the mention of your name. Before he was given a chance to answer, Natasha filled his silence with more of her venomous words. “You really have the audacity to show your face here, huh? I swear to you, the next time I see your irritable face again, I will make you regret for ever breathing in my direction, but for now, I think this will do.” She threw the beer in her cup onto his face, humiliating him in front of everyone who was entertained by the drama.

Steve wiped his face with his hand and he was too stupefied by the information that had just been dumped on him like a cold water. Well, it wasn’t entirely figurative though.

Before Natasha walked away, she sneered with a sly smirk on her face, “enjoy your party.” She shoved the empty cup to one of the girl’s chest as she reflexively caught it, with a flummoxed expression, her eyes didn’t stray from Natasha.

She walked away vauntingly from the flock towards you, “let’s go, y/n.” as she kept walking towards the entrance. You were still frozen in your spot as she was already going for the door. But before you could follow her, your eyes landed on Steve’s doused face as his eyes were already fixated on you.

For a moment there, there were only you and Steve and the intimacy of unspoken farewells and muted longing that were encapsulated in one bubble of silence that comes when two people understand each other. It was like the drawer of Steve’s things that he left with the memories and he never asked you to return came hurdling back like ocean waves and everything just evaporated in the ticking time.

There was no need for words because your eyes delivered more than both of your lips had in the past couple of years.

“Y/N?” He uttered your name. That was perhaps the first time he had called you in years. And with that, it was like every broken piece you had intensively woven back together ruptured and there was no safety net that would prepare you for this fallout.  

He was bewildered by seeing you here and you had no clue what you were supposed to say. So you threw him a poignant smile, forcing yourself to put on an impassive facade in front of him. You were good at that, you had years of practice from all those times you found Steve making out with Janet in the parking lot. You wonder if they were still together?

You wordlessly walked away and joined Natasha to the front porch. Steve watched you turn your back on him, not knowing whether he should call your name again, follow you or he should just let you go. You on your way back home were filled with so many thoughts. You couldn't help but wonder, what would’ve happened if you had stayed and talked to him at the party? What would he say to you? Would he even care at all?

But on the other hand, you were relieved. It’s like, you truly got the closure Natasha said you deserved. Never in a million years, you would ever dream about standing up to Steve like that. Hell, you weren’t even brave enough to tell him how you feel back when you were younger. But may God bless Natasha and her parents for creating her, she defended you in a way that you could never do. And she showed you that maybe, it’s time you hold on to your promise that you vowed to yourself, that you were finally going to move on and bury him into your memory dump.

You were in college now. You had no time to wallow in sadness and heartbreak caused by a douche like Steve Rogers. So you made peace with the fact that it was probably the last time you were ever going to see him. You might run into him around college but you weren’t going to let it shake your ground. You unlocked the door of your dorm with a contented smile on your face as you sat on your bed.

Natasha instantly went for the small closet to change into her pyjamas but was briefly delayed by your mumble. “Thank you.”

“Pardon?” Natasha turned her head into your direction.

“Thank you. For doing that… At the party.” You smiled at her. You sincerely meant every word.

“I’d never let a man walk over a good woman like you, y/n.”

You nodded as she carried on with what she was doing. She went into the bathroom to wash herself off and you laid in your bed, feeling lighter than you had ever felt in years. Maybe she was right. It was time you realize your worth. You spent too many years doubting yourself just because Steve was too much of a reprobate to cherish you.

You closed your eyes, relishing in the comfort of your bed without fearing a ghost looming in your sweet dreams anymore now.

Letting tomorrow surprise you with whatever it has in store. Sometimes it involves a charming devil standing on the other side of your door with flowers in his hands and a wicked scheme to accomplish.

[thedykeprincess]

So you were disappointed in Throne of Glass...

 (DISCLAIMER: This post does not intend to offend anyone who loves ToG. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and likes and dislikes and is allowed to express that. This post is meant to share books that have similar qualities to ToG for people who were disappointed in the series, like myself, but anyone who does like ToG can absolutely find great recs here! However, if you don’t want to hear anything ToG critical I recommend skipping over this post. Thank you!)

So last week I finally got rid of all my ToG books. I was mostly relieved that I now have more room on my bookshelf but I also felt a little sad. It was a series I really enjoyed when I first read it two years ago, and on some level it will always have a special place for me. It was one of the many books that got me back into reading after a five year slump, it’s the reason I became friends with the wonderful Nicole (@/rainbowbooktheif on Instagram) who was the first person irl to make me feel less alone as a bookish nerd, and it, unintentionally, helped me hone my critical reading skills. However, I slowly began to care less and less for the story and characters as the series progressed and ended up not reading the last two books because I just stopped caring. I wondered why a series that I loved so much in the beginning went down hill so fast for me, but in the process of falling out of love with ToG I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt this way about the series! The lack of diversity (and misrepresentation/mistreatment of diverse characters when they were there), sexism, lazy editing and lackluster world building, among other things, came up many times for me and other former ToG fans when discussing why we became disappointed in the series. But the pitch for the book (badass morally gray assassin taking down a tyrant king for her freedom, so cool!) and some of the elements (romance, female friendships, magic, trials) sounded so amazing even though in the end it was executed poorly. So, I decided to compile a list of books that I have read and loved that have some elements and themes of ToG. This list is by no means exhaustive and is limited by the books that I have read (which is not many when you look at how many books exist in the world) so I would love to see your recommendations! Please feel free to add onto this post any recs that you have! Now onto the list!

1) Graceling by Kristin Cashore

I read this book the summer before I started ToG and completely loved it. It was one of the early books that got me back into reading and it was honestly the perfect book for that. It was exciting and I couldn’t put it down. It follows an assassin for a tyrannical king who begins to realize her own gifts for killing are more then she ever thought they could be. Cashore does a fantastic job developing the lead character Katsa and the ways that she dolls out information to the readers slowly is impeccable. While this book is technically the first in a trilogy of books taking place in the Graceling world, it can be read as a standalone fantasy (which I feel like are very rare). Another part of this book that I really loved was the romance. I usually don’t read very many straight romances (due to the sexist/problematic aspects many of the ones that I’ve read have) but the relationship between Katsa and Po is honestly a breath of fresh air when you’re used to a lot of toxicity and sexism with cishet romances in books. The two take care of each other and their relationship is very balanced. There are no gender roles pushed on either of them and they truly grow to become a team throughout the story and it’s wonderful to see! I would consider Katsa and Po, while canonically cis (there isn’t any explicit queer rep in this book), both quite androgynous characters who often express themselves in a fluid manner which I really appreciate. Over all this is an amazing classic YA fantasy that everyone should check out!

Synopsis: “Katsa has been able to kill a man with her bare hands since she was eight—she’s a Graceling, one of the rare people in her land born with an extreme skill. As niece of the king, she should be able to live a life of privilege, but Graced as she is with killing, she is forced to work as the king’s thug.

She never expects to fall in love with beautiful Prince Po.

She never expects to learn the truth behind her Grace—or the terrible secret that lies hidden far away . . . a secret that could destroy all seven kingdoms with words alone.

With elegant, evocative prose and a cast of unforgettable characters, debut author Kristin Cashore creates a mesmerizing world, a death-defying adventure, and a heart-racing romance that will consume you, hold you captive, and leave you wanting more.”

2) Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake

This book is the first in a five book series about three royal sisters raised to battle it out for the throne. I must admit the first book in the series is a little lackluster due to the fact that it’s setting up a lot but the second book just blows everything out of the water in a fantastic way. This series is dark and bloody and intriguing. I got completely hooked on this series and it brought out a lot of emotion to the point where I was gasping and shouting and throwing my book around as I was reading it (I got very invested)! I think that’s one of the things SJM can do well is get you hooked on her characters and Kendare can do the same (if not better). I love the dynamic between the sisters, this book does a great job at exploring the darker side of familial and female/female relationships (mostly platonic.. there isn’t very much queer rep unfortunately) that I really appreciate. The magic system and wolrdbuliding are also something that I enjoyed and I though was quite well done. Kendare does a good job at weaving in worldbuilding and magic system seamlessly into the story and I love that so much. Three Dark Crowns is just a fun and exciting series that I think anyone who loves fantasy YA should check out!

Synopsis: “ In every generation on the island of Fennbirn, a set of triplets is born—three queens, all equal heirs to the crown and each possessor of a coveted magic. Mirabella is a fierce elemental, able to spark hungry flames or vicious storms at the snap of her fingers. Katharine is a poisoner, one who can ingest the deadliest poisons without so much as a stomachache. Arsinoe, a naturalist, is said to have the ability to bloom the reddest rose and control the fiercest of lions.

But becoming the Queen Crowned isn’t solely a matter of royal birth. Each sister has to fight for it. And it’s not just a game of win or lose…it’s life or death. The night the sisters turn sixteen, the battle begins.

The last queen standing gets the crown. “

3) The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

So a little disclaimer, this book is one of my favorite fantasy books of all time. I read it over the span of a few months last summer (its a long one guys...800+ pages) and it was one of the greatest, most well thought out fantasy books I’d ever had the pleasure of reading. I loved the characters, the world, the plot, the magic system etc. I loved everything! There’s some great political intrigue, dragon riders, epic battles, prophecies, weddings, funerals, romance and just general badassery and kickassery happening. Shannon clearly put so much time and effort into this book and it shows. That kind of dedication that shows is something that I really appreciate in a book, especially a fantasy book. Another aspect that I loved so so much is the diversity in this book. It came so naturally and didn’t at all feel like tokenism. The characters, with their differing genders, ethnicities, sexualities, ages, and nationalities etc, and their relationships with each other are truly what made the story. This book also has one of the BEST f/f romances I’ve ever read (as a queer woman I really loved that representation so much and felt very connected to both of those characters). Priory is a long one but if you have the time I highly recommend it.

Synopsis: “ A world divided. A queendom without an heir. An ancient enemy awakens.

The House of Berethnet has ruled Inys for a thousand years. Still unwed, Queen Sabran the Ninth must conceive a daughter to protect her realm from destruction – but assassins are getting closer to her door.

Ead Duryan is an outsider at court. Though she has risen to the position of lady-in-waiting, she is loyal to a hidden society of mages. Ead keeps a watchful eye on Sabran, secretly protecting her with forbidden magic.

Across the dark sea, Tané has trained to be a dragonrider since she was a child, but is forced to make a choice that could see her life unravel.

Meanwhile, the divided East and West refuse to parley, and forces of chaos are rising from their sleep. “

4) Truthwitch by Susan Dennard

As a queer woman, I’m always a little on edge when someone mentions f/f friendship in a book. This is entirely because of the erasure many many f/f romances experience when they are just brushed off as friendships (we’ve all heard the term “gal pals”). It’s frustrating and even though I love a good f/f friendship when the f/f romances get erased and replaced by friendships it gets exhausting. However, Truthwitch is a true f/f friendship that I can fully get behind! Dennard is an author that I had been following for writing tips for a while before I finally picked up her book. I knew that she’s someone who is invested in making her series diverse, even if she herself doesn’t fit into those categories, and accepts criticism because she want’s to do her characters justice. That’s something I really appreciate seeing from white cishet authors and is one of the reasons I picked up Truthwitch. It’s so much fun and the heart of the story truly is the relationship between the two leads Safi and Iseult. Their friendship reminds me a lot of my relationship with my friends. Books about f/f relationships (romantic or otherwise) are few and far between so I really love that this book exists. Strong platonic relationships are so often pushed aside for cishet romantic ones so it’s SO refreshing to see a series where the book would not exist without Safi and Iseult’s bond. They are truly soulmates and their relationship with each other is the most important one in their lives and that is just beautiful. Not to mention this book has got an awesome magic system and is building up to an amazing fantasy series! There’s pirates, priestesses, princes and, of course, witches! It’s loads of fun all around!

Synopsis: “ Young witches Safiya and Iseult have a habit of finding trouble. After clashing with a powerful Guildmaster and his ruthless Bloodwitch bodyguard, the friends are forced to flee their home.

Safi must avoid capture at all costs as she's a rare Truthwitch, able to discern truth from lies. Many would kill for her magic, so Safi must keep it hidden - lest she be used in the struggle between empires. And Iseult's true powers are hidden even from herself.

In a chance encounter at Court, Safi meets Prince Merik and makes him a reluctant ally. However, his help may not slow down the Bloodwitch now hot on the girls' heels. All Safi and Iseult want is their freedom, but danger lies ahead. With war coming, treaties breaking and a magical contagion sweeping the land, the friends will have to fight emperors and mercenaries alike. For some will stop at nothing to get their hands on a Truthwitch. “

5) Monstress by Marjorie Liu (Writer) and Sana Takeda (Illustrator) 

Another disclaimer! This book is my favorite graphic novel, period. There is really nothing like Monstress out there and I think that it’s criminally underrated. Liu and Takeda are the perfect combo of writer/artist to make this GN come together. I’m constantly in awe of the world, characters, and story Liu built and the frankly stunning art Takeda creates to go along with it. It’s steampunk and dark and dirty and beautiful. The lead character, Maika, is one of the few truly morally gray characters that I’ve read. Her decisions will make you question if you’re a good person because you still love her despite the fact that she just killed that guy... and that guy... and those other guys. This graphic novel series is very reflective of the dark animes (like Tokyo Ghoul and Castlevania) that we are seeing more recently and I personally believe Monstress would make a fantastic animated series if it were ever to get an adaption. This book has also some great representation of queer women (Maika herself is a queer, disabled, WoC). It’s totally the norm for the world and all of the lead female characters are queer, which I just love. This story has amazing woldbulding, magic, characters etc. It’ll give you everything from giant dead gods, to talking cats with multiple tails, to demonically possessed teenage girls who need to eat people. It’s honestly amazing. (I would give a major trigger warning for blood/gore so as long as you know you can handle that I think you should check it out!)

Synopsis: “ Set in an alternate matriarchal 1900's Asia, in a richly imagined world of art deco-inflected steam punk, MONSTRESS tells the story of a teenage girl who is struggling to survive the trauma of war, and who shares a mysterious psychic link with a monster of tremendous power, a connection that will transform them both and make them the target of both human and otherworldly powers. “

6) The Bridge Kingdom by Danielle L. Jensen

I never thought I would love a cishet romance as much as I love this one but here I am. The Bridge Kingdom is not really the kind of book I would normally pick up but it was on sale on kindle so I thought “why not!” And I was not disappointed. This story follows the assassin princess, Lara, who was raised to be married off to her fathers rival kingdom and kill the king. However, things get sticky when she begins to actually fall for the king and starts to realize that her father isn’t exactly who he says he is. Not only was this romance steamy as hell (this is an ADULT book folks so there are some explicit sex scenes, beware) but the world is super cool. The political intrigue was something I really enjoyed and I loved to see the world unfold from Lara’s eyes. I also totally loved Lara’s character. She’s complicated and cutthroat but ultimately want’s to do what’s right and is a character made to change and develop. I usually don’t go for that character trope that Lara fits into (beautiful and badass and despite being the MCs they somehow end up being very bland...) but Jensen managed to create a very mature and ever changing version of the YA trope that I ended up loving completely. If you love steamy fantasy romances with cool worlds and intriguing characters this is absolutely the book for you!

Synopsis: “ Lara has only one thought for her husband on their wedding day: I will bring your kingdom to its knees. A princess trained from childhood to be a lethal spy, Lara knows that the Bridge Kingdom represents both legendary evil - and legendary promise. The only route through a storm-ravaged world, the Bridge Kingdom controls all trade and travel between lands, allowing its ruler to enrich himself and deprive his enemies, including Lara's homeland. So when she is sent as a bride under the guise of fulfilling a treaty of peace, Lara is prepared to do whatever it takes to fracture the defenses of the impenetrable Bridge Kingdom.

But as she infiltrates her new home - a lush paradise surrounded by tempest seas - and comes to know her new husband, Aren, Lara begins to question where the true evil resides. Around her, she sees a kingdom fighting for survival, and in Aren, a man fiercely protective of his people. As her mission drives her to deeper understanding of the fight to possess the bridge, Lara finds the simmering attraction between her and Aren impossible to ignore. Her goal nearly within reach, Lara will have to decide her own fate: Will she be the destroyer of a king or the savior of her people? “

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Deathly Fun || Morgan & Dakota

TIMING: Recent, before New Year’s Eve

PARTIES: @dakotasgrant & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Just gals being pals

CONTAINS: mild gore, brief medical blood talk

Nine times out of ten, Dakota would have said no. To be more blunt, she would have said absolutely fucking not when Morgan invited her over… But wallowing in her own self-pity was just more fuel to her flames, and if she let that fire grow any bigger or brighter, she’d burn the whole damn town to the ground. So hanging out it was, apparently. And shit, if she were being honest… Bone carving actually did pique her interest, as much as she hated to admit it. So when Morgan invited her over, and Dakota found herself parked in her driveway, she figured it was worth a shot to try, even if getting her into the house was like pulling teeth. Just don’t be a dick. Make a friend. What’s the worst that could happen? They could get to know you. After fifteen or so minutes of just sitting in her jeep debating on pulling out and speeding off, she finally hopped out and made her way to the door, knocking three times… and praying that Morgan didn’t answer.

Morgan laid on the floor in her new studio, trying to remember breathing, or at least the way it had connected her to the world’s energy. Her chest rose and fell, the floor pressed against her back, the air circled around the ceiling fan and teased the fringe on her rug. She was here. She was whole. Each of these tiny perceptions was a cord binding her to this place, cocooning her against all odds in comfort. She was here. She was okay…

Knock, knock, knock.

She was late for meeting with Dakota. Morgan shot to her feet and stumbled to the door, smiling bright when she opened. “Oh, good! I was worried you wouldn’t be able to find me. This building is a little hidden from the driveway. But uh, come on and make yourself cozy? I actually have a lot of craft stuff you can play with and works in progress. I’ve got way too many pillows over there--” she pointed, “--but my table is in the sort-of-kitchen area. Do you need anything to drink? Snacks? I’ve got some pretty quality basics for guests.” Morgan sat down at her craft table and propped her legs up on one of the spare chairs, nudging one out for Dakota to take, smiling brightly. “You can say if that was a lot. I can mostly assure you the evening will be much more chill. It’s just, you know, a very long winded way of saying ‘make yourself at home.’”

As soon as the door swung open, it was like being blasted with a very small—but very real—beam of pure energy. The only way Dakota could truly and accurately describe it was as if Jessica Day and Arizona Robbins came together and created the woman that was standing before her—Morgan. Morgan… Something. The thing was, she probably would have been just as taken aback as she was even if she wasn’t hungover, but… Well, that was besides the point. Stop thinking about it.

The main objective was to get in and get out in under an hour, and if it took being an asshole to do it, well… Rest In Peace, Morgan. “Yeah, you just said more words than I’ve said in the past 24 hours,” she stated, shrugging off her coat and taking the seat she’d nudged out for her. If Dakota was anything, which… she was a lot of things… but if she was absolutely anything, it would be awkward. Hands folded in her lap, she looked around the room, taking in the decor as best as she could. Crafting wasn’t her thing, but bones? Bones were cool. She tuned back in when Morgan mentioned something about making herself at home. Honey, I’ve never felt “at home” in my entire life, she wanted to say. But she’d save that tid-bit for her friends Jack and Daniels back at her cabin.

“Uh, I’m fine, thanks. Also, I’m not a very ‘crafty’ person… So if you want to just skip to the part where we talk about death and I get to see some carcasses, that’d be great.”

Morgan scrunched up her face, amused and confused in equal measure. She got up and went over to the small fridge, blocking the view of the brain slices safely tucked away in their novelty pyrex containers as she took out what drinks she had available. “Do you want to talk about whatever’s behind all of this--?” She gestured vaguely to Dakota, slumped by the craft table. “I don’t know you well enough to judge you.” She brought the bottles over along with a water pitcher and a glass and set them down in front of the woman. “As for the carcasses…” She laughed dryly, swallowing the urge to say, well, you’re looking right at one if you feel like playing medical examiner. She climbed up her stepladder and retrieved Ratty and Squirrely from their shelf and brought them down. She brushed and dusted them regularly now, too fond of how helpful they’d been when she’d first died to let them gather dust. “There’s these little guys. And…” She untied a large velvet pouch from the table and carefully poured out a collection of bones. “These came from a raccoon, and these bad boys came from a buck.” She gestured to the antler pieces stacked neatly at the edge of the table. “What is it you like about death anyway?”

Dakota could have crawled out of her skin just at the words “do you want to talk,” period. Why the fuck would she want to talk to a complete stranger about her issues? If she wanted to do that, she would have gotten a therapist by now. But you do, don’t you? You’re dying for someone to listen. Why else would you be here? Why are you here? “What exactly is ‘this?’” she asked, helping herself to the bottle set in front of her. “Because I was under the impression that I was here to craft and maybe talk about murder, not open up about my feelings.” There was a beat of silence, mainly because she was taking a look at the animals she’d retrieved, and then her attention had shifted to the contents of the velvet pouch that was dumped onto the table. Dakota had no problem picking them up, examining them carefully. A female rib, part of a male radius… Multiple vertebrae, an antler. “I don’t like it,” she said, though it was a lie she didn’t know she was telling. “I’m intrigued by it. The intricacies of it. The decay of it. The symbolism of it… The way people who are living experience it all the time, even if no physical death has actually occurred.” she paused. Was she still talking? “What about you? Why do you collect all this stuff?”

“You’re not exactly being subtle about how upset you are right now, but somehow you’re still here,” Morgan beamed, pouring a glass of water for herself. “I’ve been on the wrong-ass side of depressed when you’d rather drop dead than show anyone you’re not okay. And I’ve been like this too.” She twirled her finger in Dakota’s direction, especially around the wrinkle in her forehead. “But we can wait, or just not. I just figured I’d ask.” She listened to Dakota’s vague answers as she started sorting through the bones on her table. A beaded bracelet might be interesting to make. Maybe a little time intensive, but it would look like some of the crystal beads she’d once made when she was done. The antler tips would be good for that too, but other parts would become pendants, or some kind of add ons to a sculpture. She’d save those for when she had a clearer idea. Morgan took up a delicate looking raccoon limb bone and started cutting it down to size. “Oh, no, you’re not getting away with something that vague,” she said, laughing softly. “It sounds like you like it. What do you think it symbolizes anyway? And what do you mean ‘experience it all the time.’” She took out a little drill and started evening out the hollow within the bone. “My girlfriend got me into them at first. But I feel an affinity with them now. Like we’re on the same frequency, and they understand something about me.” Being dead would do that. “I like repurposing them, letting them transform into beautiful things, or compost and nourish the earth, or simply decay and feed the crows and the bugs. It gives me hope.”

Oh, no. Dakota wasn’t going there. She wasn’t depressed, and if she was, she sure as hell wouldn’t be talking about it with Miss Sunshine over here. Just.. Focus the conversation on a morbid reality and maybe she’ll kick you out herself. “Death is all around us. It’s in my sentences, in yours… The things we do, what we eat. Our thoughts, our emotions, this conversation. A few hours from now when the sun sets. A relationship, a friendship. Ourselves. Death is really just the ending of something. Everything, actually, when you get down to it.” She said, still examining the bones before her. Dakota didn’t know why she kept humoring Morgan with her answers, but it was better than finishing the bottle at home. “I guess it depends on who you ask and what you read. It can symbolize renewal, rebirth, cleansing. Transition, opportunity, possibility…” she trailed off. There was a bout of silence that swelled between them, but only for a moment. Dakota didn’t know why she felt compelled to keep talking. “I think life is really just death in disguise because no matter what you’re doing or who you’re with, it ends up ending. I’ve felt that way since I was a kid. I don’t know why I feel that way.”

“You’re starting to sound like a real woo-woo mystic gal,” Morgan said, smiling wider. “But you know, I think everyone has their own relationship to death. Even if it’s pure avoidance or denial or something more thoughtful. I’d like to know what it symbolizes to you, if that’s not too weird or personal. At least recently. I appreciate that these relationships evolve, they die and rise again differently, like all relationships. They evolve. I used to be afraid of it, honestly. I lost so many people, watched some of them die, watched their caskets go into the ground, it just seemed so horrible to me. But then I had this uuhh…” How to put this delicately? “Really bad accident. And now it’s different. A lot of things are but that especially.” She took up a new section of bone and drilled through that one too, snowing thin spirals of bone onto the table in fluffy stacks. “You should get to know my girlfriend. She makes death sound like something beautiful when she talks about it.” Which wasn’t too often these days, but still dear to Morgan. When she finished with the second bead, she held up the pair for Dakota to examine. “What do you think? I need like, thirty more, but not too shabby side-by-side, right?”

Woo-woo mystic gal? So much for saying anything she actually thought, literally ever again. Dakota let Morgan talk—not really listening, of course, because now all she really wanted to do was get the hell outta dodge and probably never see again. That would really be the icing on the shit-cake that was her life. Sooner or later, Morgan held up a pair of the bones she’d turned into beads, and even her cynical ass had to admit that she’d done a good job. Part of her almost felt inspired to take up crafting in her spare time, but that fleeting moment of inspiration was quickly squashed—not for any particular reason, but it often took her several years to try anything new. Hence breaking off an engagement, moving half-way across the country, and sleeping with just about every single woman she could find that seemed desperate or hopeless enough to come back to her place… Or reckless enough to invite Dakota to hers. Out of all of the things Morgan had said, including something about how she wanted to know what death symbolized to Dakota personally, her interest was piqued at the mention of Morgan having a girlfriend. She thought she’d heard it earlier, but she couldn’t brush it off a second time. Fuck it, she thought. She called you woo-woo mystical. Ask her a question. “—Who’s your girlfriend?” Please don’t say Marley…

Morgan’s brow furrowed. Clearly her own brand of self-deprecation was lost on Dakota by her stiff silence. Maybe she didn’t know enough about the tarot cards on her bookshelves or the sigils on some of her book spines to know that she was as woo-woo as they came. But Dakota’s question puzzled her even more. It wasn’t exactly what she assumed the takeaway would be. “Uh...her name is Deirdre,” Morgan said. “She’s a life actuary, like a death accountant. She has a whole room dedicated to bones in the house. For her birthday, among other things, we articulated a deer skeleton together and went for a cemetery walk. Hambry is really beautiful right now, with all the snow on the ground. Have you been?”

That was true—Dakota was lost on anyone else’s self depreciation because she was so entombed in her own bullshit to care about anything anyone else said about themselves. Selfish bastard. But she hadn’t quite realized that yet...Or, if she had, she was ignoring it for as long as she possibly could, because she had an amazing track record in that department. Above all things, she was just glad Marley’s name hadn’t come out of Morgan’s mouth, ‘cause if it had, there would have been a Dakota-shaped hole through her front door. “Sounds nice,” she murmured. “I’ve never been, no. Never even heard of Hambry, actually.” Wow, you’re an amazing conversationalist. A beat or two of silence passed before she shot in the dark. She’d always been the ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ sorta person. Except now she was asking questions first and thinking about it after the fact. “This is going to sound like the dumbest question in the world, but… When did you know? I mean—you know what I mean. That you’d rather date a woman than a man. Or.. That you were at least okay with dating a woman. When did you know that?” Okay, you’re officially never speaking to this person ever again.

Morgan set down her tools and took a moment to really look at Dakota. She had known from the start there was something apprehensive in her, but she hadn’t guessed the depth of her fear. Morgan’s fingers twitched, wanting to take her hand. “First of all, it’s not dumb. Secondly, It took me a while,” she admitted. “I had this best friend, Karen, and she had this amazing two storey house and thick plush carpet in her room, and a pool. I told myself I liked being over at her place as many days as I could get away with because of that stuff. But I also liked it when she played with my hair, when our legs would brush together in the pool, and when she held my hand or my arm in the school hallways I just felt so special…” Morgan sighed. “We were friends for about a year and I didn’t figure out a thing. But then she was kissing this guy in the hall and I was so furious and hurt and awful and didn’t tell her about any of it. And then I had a dream about kissing her, which was a big ol’ flag I couldn’t avoid. And...I mean, it was the 90s and I had these weird special circumstances that made me worry that...what if this is why bad luck seemed to follow my family all around? What if all those awful protest signs and President Regan were onto something and I was some kind of blight on the family. And then things got weird and we didn’t visit or talk so much and I worried she could smell the lesbian on me or something, but then one day we’re in the girl’s bathroom and I start to beg her to talk to me and then--we were kissing. And it was weird and awkward, you know, on a tactile level, but inside, all those dopey romantic things fell into the right key and made sense. I couldn’t un-know after that.” She searched for Dakota’s eyes and held her gaze, waiting for some piece of her own story to set itself free. Was that part of why she bristled so easily? Why she was so desperate to hide herself? Was it just too much of a habit by now,or did Dakota still feel the ghost of that old fear haunting her? “It didn’t end so great about two minutes after we got started, and I didn’t come out to my mom for another three years, because of all that fear. And didn’t date, not really, until after I got out of college. And Deirdre is my first really serious ‘we-moved-in-together and lasted-longer-than-six-months’ relationship ever. It’s been it’s own weird time and process. As far as I know everyone like us has their own weird and different time too. We’re just special like that, temporally clusterfucked.” She paused a moment and looked thoughtfully out the window: evening was coming, the sky turned all the grass blue, and Anya stalked the dead flower beds. “When did you know, Dakota? Is that something I can ask?”

Dakota listened, which in and of itself was a miracle, because she wasn’t just listening for answers to process and remember for as long as she needed them and then do away with them whenever she was done—she was actually just listening for truth, and that was something you don’t just do away with. And Dakota hated eye-contact more than anything, but she didn’t really care at the moment, because as annoying as it was, she had to hand it to her... Morgan didn’t pry. And that was nice. Because everyone always prys. When she looked out the window, Dakota’s gaze followed suit, and she realized she’d been there for a lot longer than she’d planned already. What the hell happened to that ‘one hour only?’ But, as conversations normally go, it was Dakota’s turn to share… If she wanted to, of course. And the thing was, she actually did kind of want to. “Two years ago,” she began, sort of straightening up in her chair. Old habits die hard, so maybe that’s why her gaze fell to the table and her hands fidgeted with the bones laid out on it. “That’s a lie. I knew when I was fourteen. I took my best friend to go see a movie, and I remember being so fucking nervous—I mean, I didn’t think my palms could get any sweatier, especially not in the middle of December. Detroit’s a big town, you know, but.. All those little neighborhoods that make up that city? They’re all like small towns, and everybody knows everybody. So it didn’t matter how bad I wanted to hold her stupid hand, because Michael and Tom from third period were two seats over, and I knew she liked Michael, and.. Well, the point is that it didn’t matter how bad I wanted to hold her hand, because I couldn’t. And I didn’t. And I pushed that so far back in my memory that when I met my ex at 25, I thought.. You know, just.. Run with it, ‘cause it’s the only fuckin’ chance you’re ever gonna see.” Dakota paused, then, because this was the part of the story she hated telling. She wished she could just avoid it all together, but… “Flashforward, we’d been together ten years on and off. He wanted to get married so bad, and I kept telling him I wanted to wait, and I wanted to be established in my career, and I wanted to do all of these things and.. And then, you know, I did them. I was established, and I was the investigative lead, and I was a mentor, and.. Well, to make a long story short, he took me to a restaurant and his dumbass got down on one knee, right there, in the middle of the restaurant, in front of everyone—you know, total strangers just.. Gawking and looking at me and waiting for me to say yes. And I should have. I should have just worked it out, and said yes. But I didn’t. I, uh. Stood up from the table, and I closed the stupid ring box thing that rings come in—why do they come in those stupid boxes?—and I just.. Left him there. At the restaurant. In front of everyone. And he had to stand up, get up off the floor, pay for a meal neither of us ate.. By the time he got home I was already in a studio apartment above a Chinese take-out place across town. So..” she trailed off, then let the silence swell, as she normally did. It felt like forever. “Yeah, I’d say fourteen.”

Morgan waited a little while, in case Dakota wanted to sit with her words, say something else, or just collect herself. When she was sure, she said, “It’s not your fault, you know. Knowing and admitting and being able to do something about realizing you’re gay are all really hard, different steps. It takes as long as it takes. And it’s not wrong or cruel to do what’s best for you, for both of you, really. I mean, if he was so great, he deserves someone who can love him enthusiastically the way he wants, right? And so do you. Going into that kind of lie just to spare his feelings in a moment would’ve just harmed you both, deeply, maybe irrevocably. Not that this doesn’t hurt either, I’m not saying that, but… I think you did the kindest thing you possibly could. Even if that’s not how you felt in the moment, that’s what you did.” She leaned in, knowing just enough from Dakota’s body language that she shouldn’t reach for her, not yet. “I am sorry, though. I know something about how carrying that knowledge around can hurt. How it can feel like the scariest or most impossible, awful, stupid thing. I mean, no one dreams of having their first serious relationship at forty, that’s for sure. But can I ask-- where are you now? With--this. Is it still on you, that guilt, that fear?”

Dakota scoffed—not meanly, not because she was upset, but because the question was almost funny. “Uh, yeah.” She shifted in her chair, clearing her throat a bit. “I’ve been screwing just about anyone stupid enough to say yes for weeks. Waitresses, bartenders.. I just fucked a coworker last night. Not just a cop, dude—a fucking detective. I mean, it was great and all, except for how we left things. And also how she left, actually. And then the fucking shitstorm I caused afterwards.” Dakota sighed, leaning her elbows on the table and rubbing her hands over her face. “Annnnd then I called in sick. So, yeah. I feel guilty. And I feel.. Just this raw fucking shame, all the time. And I feel fucking stupid because, you know, for maybe half a second, I wondered.. You know, what if we did it again? What if it could.. Turn into something? What if I finally just get what I’ve always wanted and what if it just.. Get to hold the girl’s hand? And.. and what if it just works, y’know?” Why the fuck are you sharing all of this? “But, you know, she kind of reminded me that that’s impossible. I mean, it’s not impossible for people like you and Deirdre and her and whoever she decided to run to after she left. Yeah, all that “hope” shit went right out the window because not two minutes after we were done she called it a mistake and high-tailed it out of there.” A beat. “But, you know, I’m meeting another chick at Dell’s later tonight, so. Anita something, I think?”

Morgan moved her chair closer, practically leaning against Dakota. “You know you’re allowed to put some of that shame down, right?” She asked. “And it’s not really impossible so much as it’s just...not right, not yet. If you’re really, really lucky, one time it will just work, and all the stress and the angst and the bullshit that comes after you get to hold the girl’s hand and kiss her goodnight will feel worth it.” Carefully, she brushed back Dakota’s hair from her eyes. Under other circumstances, or with a less strictly monogamous girlfriend, she’d try to ease Dakota’s hurt here and now. She hadn’t let herself alone long enough to figure out what kind of person she really wanted to be, but Morgan couldn’t help but feel like that would-be person was probably kind, or could be without too much struggle. “Be careful with Anita. She’s a friend of mine, and a lot of fun, but I have it on good authority that she’s still hung up on someone. But you didn’t hear that from me.” She wondered how Dakota felt about corpses and their startlingly cold temperatures, if she would be horrified, or stay still long enough to realize Morgan’s chest didn’t rise or fall and her pulse was silent. “I have a very weird question to ask you,” she said with a sheepish grin. “Is it okay if I touch you--very affectionately but sans romantic agenda? I feel very endeared to you right now and I'd like to be closer than we are right now. We can also, you know, go straight back to the dead things, or talking about literally any other thing…”

Part of her really wanted to be annoyed, or to ruin whatever the hell was going on by being an asshole somehow—it’s what she did best. Or, well, so she believed. Regardless, it was the best way Dakota could maintain her distance from people, maintain her invulnerability, keep the walls built up as high as she could, with the strongest bricks and the strongest cement binding them together so that way nobody gets in. But it gets so lonely in here sometimes. “Uh..” she began, not knowing how to respond. Maybe it was the fact that Morgan already took the liberty of brushing some hair from her face, and maybe it was because nobody’s done that to her in a while… And maybe this was the first time she’d been semi-vulnerable around anyone, so.. Did she really have anything else to lose? Her dignity, maybe… “Sure…?”

Morgan beamed, her whole face brightening up. “Thank you,” she said softly. She brushed back the rest of the young woman’s hair with a careful, tender touch, and scooted close enough to wrap her arms around her in a hug. “You’re still worthy of love, Dakota, even just like this,” she whispered in her ear. “And it’s all shitty and painful and unfair right now, and there’s no guarantee about any of it, but you’re not unworthy or broken just because things have been hard, okay?” She rose half out of her seat and pressed a fleeting kiss to the top of her head. “Now! Why don’t I show you some of the deathly craft work you actually came here for, at least for a hot sec, huh?” Her arms were still draped around Dakota and she reached over the woman for her carving knives rather than unfurl herself.

Dakota was torn—she enjoyed the physical touch, because damn, she hadn’t felt much of anything gentle in a while. It was sweet in a very genuine, kind way. Morgan was just.. Kind, so she guessed. But still, she was torn between just enjoying the small moment between them and questioning why the hell she was so cold. In fact, it was almost hard to enjoy the interaction because… Well, one of the reasons humans enjoyed physical touch so dearly was because sharing body heat was primal. But as soon as Morgan wrapped arms around her body, it was noticeable. Why the hell wasn’t her hug warm? Or even the kiss she’d pressed on the top of her head… I mean, she’s freezing. Before she really had time to process this, Morgan had already reached across her person to grab her carving knives. “Do you have circulation issues?” she asked, probably a touch offhand. “Or, like, low iron or something?”

Morgan laughed and snapped off a chunk of antler with one hand, too distracted to think of how weird that would look for a woman as small as she was. “That is probably the nicest way anyone has ever asked about my body temperature,” she said. “I can stop, if you want. I know it’s startling and unusual and not everyone wants to be close to an ice queen. But uh--yeah, circulation issue about covers it.” Being dead was kind of a circulation issue, right? She guided Dakota’s hands onto the table, careful to touch her sweater more than her skin. “I was thinking some of this would make a really cool pendant, but I think some designs would be better. So--” She snapped off another piece so they each had one. “You can sketch on the bone with a pencil, if you want, I’ve got plenty right here. Or if you already have and idea, you can just score lightly on the surface with this tool, before you start cutting deeper with this one ....” The larger blade was a little farther from her reach than she wanted, and as Morgan strained, the sharp edge sliced into the side of her finger, carving out a gash that did not bleed, but showed dark, liquid matter resting tepid beneath her skin. “O-oh shit! Uh--ow! Yikes, Sorry…” She pressed down on the wound, knowing it would heal soon, but the pressure of her fingers squeezed out more of her dark, dead blood onto her fingers, impossible to miss until she could wash them clean.

Despite the fact that Morgan just so happened to be unusually cold—more so to the point that Dakota was genuinely concerned for her health, to be honest—it was still nice to feel close to someone. Finally tucking away the emotions she’d let bubble to the surface, though, she truly was ready to let Morgan teach her a few things about bone carving. She was talented, to say the least, and Dakota thought it would be fun to just be creative with it. God, when was the last time she was creative with anything? Her attention was already drawn to the bone she had in her hand, and she had already started to think up a design she wanted to score into the surface, but everything came to a screeching halt when Morgan had reached for the larger blade. Almost immediately, mainly by instinct, Dakota jumped up to search for a rag or something to put pressure on the cut, but she’d only gotten halfway out of her chair before she was absolutely stunned by what she’d seen. “Jesus, Morgan! Did you—” she almost said hit an artery, but she’d seen too much blood in her life to know that whatever was coming out of her body wasn’t healthy. It sure as fuck wasn’t normal. She sat for a moment, clearly stupefied. All the science she’d studied was swirling around in her brain. Extremely low hemoglobin could be a possibility, but she’d never seen it so… No, that couldn’t be it. Early menopause affects menstrual blood, but even then… Well, that just didn’t make sense. Polycythemia vera..? No, it was too.. “What the fu— We should take you to the emergency room!” she exclaimed, finally snapping out of the shock she was in and grabbing the nearest dish towel she could find, running it under some warm water and bringing it back to Morgan, leaving the sink running in her haste. “Why aren’t you..? C’mon, dude, we need to go!”

“No, it’s fine! It’s fine! I just need to wash it off and uuh…” Morgan scrubbed her hand with the towel Dakota gave her, focusing more on the zombie blood stains on her hand than the cut. She ran to the sink and fumbled with the soap, hoping that maybe Dakota would think she was using disinfectant or something else human. Her skin had just started to stitch together and after a quick wipedown with her dish towel, it was good as new again. Morgan whirled around quickly and held up her finger. “See! Look, it’s not even that deep! You can’t even see it anymore!” Then, realizing she looked like she was flipping off her new friend, Morgan scurried over and showed her the proof. With the stains gone, you couldn’t even tell anything had ever been wrong. “It’s just a...uh...thing that happens to me sometimes. Everything looks way worse than it really is with me. I really uh….bounce back easy. I’m sorry to worry you, but look, it’s fine! See!”

Dakota never showed her true feelings, but she couldn’t not gasp when she saw Morgan’s finger. One moment it looked like motor oil was spilling out of her goddamn hand and the next, it was…? Her fucking finger was healed. Completely mended, as if nothing had happened, as if seconds ago she hadn’t needed to go to the emergency room. Given years of training herself to bite her tongue, Dakota still hadn’t mastered her facial expressions. She may as well just have said: what the ever living fuck? But instead, she started to back away, grabbing her coat from off the back of the chair she had just been sitting in, bumping into the table as she did. “I’m—Sorry, I just remembered, I.. Have a thing.” Seconds later, she was out the door, nearly ramming down the mailbox as she pulled out of the driveway like a bat out of hell.

“It’s really fine, you don’t have to go,” Morgan protested. She followed Dakota to the door, feeling helpless as she fled into the night. “You can stay, really, Dakota--Dakota?” But the woman was gone, and all the hope Morgan had built up for her vanished into the dark as well.

[path-of-my-childhood]

"Miss Americana" Director Lana Wilson on Capturing Taylor Swift, Mid-Transformation

By: Chris Willman for Variety Date: January 31st 2020

Lana Wilson was taking a risk - albeit a pretty good bet - when she set out to make what turned out to be “Miss Americana,” her new Netflix documentary. As Taylor Swift told Variety: 

“When I began thinking about maybe possibly having a documentary-type thing happen, it was really just because I felt like I would want to have footage of what was happening in my life, just to have later on in my life, even if we never put it out, or even if we put it out decades down the line. When we brought Lana on board, I was pretty open with her about the fact that this may be something that I wasn’t actually ready to put out. So I think we began the process without a lot of pressure, because I didn’t necessarily think that it was an actual eventuality to put out the documentary.”

Wilson was too fascinated by what she was getting early on to worry much about whether her subject would sign off on releasing it. At the outset, she was catching Swift at the end of the “Reputation” album/tour cycle, when Swift was finding a more contented place in her personal life and finally exorcising Kanye-gate from her system. The star quickly moved on to the making of “Lover,” her most upbeat album, with Wilson getting fly-on-wall footage that captures the joy of creation and eureka moments in the writing process in a way few films ever have. And then things got more interesting altogether when Swift decided that the days she could afford to be standoffish about what was happening in the country had come to an end. The movie - and by now, it was a movie - had its third act.

Variety spoke with Wilson for the magazine’s cover story last week on Swift, prior to “Miss Americana’s” Sundance premiere. Here’s a breakout of more of that conversation.

There is some footage in the movie that goes back a few years that clearly predates your involvement. When did you start filming - was it during the “Lover” writing and recording sessions or the “Reputation” tour before that? I came on during the tour. She had been collecting bits and pieces of footage; she often filmed stuff with her own cell phone - songwriting stuff. Netflix introduced us, and we really hit it off the first time we met. She had watched my previous work, and I had admired her for years, not just for her music, but also the fact that she had written all of her own songs since she was 15, and that she’s the sole creative force behind the whole shape of her career. When we met, I remember being excited that she didn’t want to make a traditional pop star documentary. She knew that she was in the middle of a really important time in her life, coming out of a very dark period, and wanted me to collaborate on something that captured what she was going through that was raw and honest and emotionally intimate.

When we first talked about it, she immediately wanted me to bring my perspective as a director to what was going on with her now and to make a film that really had something to say. I think the first time we met, we talked for 20 minutes about narrative structure in documentaries, and we even talked about film score in documentaries. At one point she said that she didn’t like documentaries that are like propaganda, and I was thrilled to hear that. In my work, I take stories that are often told through sound bites and headlines and bring depth and complexity to them. My goal is always to reveal the humanity that’s beneath the oversimplification. And to me, there are few things more frequently diminished and reduced by others than female creative forces.

It could be seen as a feminist statement, or at least some kind of intention on her part, that she picked someone who’d made an abortion documentary (“After Tiller”). It could also mean that she was just more comfortable with a woman. I think that’s totally true. When I started filming, it was before she’d come out politically. But that said, even before meeting her, I could only imagine how much pressure and scrutiny she’d faced as a powerful and successful female artist. And I definitely sensed that those pressures would be ones that other people and especially other women and girls could relate to. Obviously, yeah, I’m a female artist working in a male-dominated industry. So although Taylor and I inhabit very different worlds, I figured that we’d have some shared experiences. And I also worked with an all-female crew, which I do think helped her feel comfortable right off the bat, and a small crew. When I met her, she hadn’t done an interview in almost three years. The first one she did was an audio (-only) interview with me for this film. So it was a big deal, and trust was a big part of that.

You had an all-female crew, but Morgan Neville’s name is on there as a producer, and he’s not a gal. [Laughter.] What’s his role in it? He was a part of the creative process, and it was wonderful to get to work with him, as a creative sounding board, from start to finish. On the crew, I will say that we did always have male production assistants, because I like trying to show people that men can fetch coffee for women, and not just the other way around! So that was the only exception to the all-female rule.

It had to have been a small crew, when you were filming the fly-on-the-wall creative stuff in the recording studios, sometimes in very small control rooms. It was often just me and one or two other people in the room with her, trying to keep the footprint as small as possible. You know, no one had filmed her writing songs before. That was some of my favorite stuff to film, but it was also the stuff where we tried to really be the most low-key presence possible. You’re just in a tiny room, and it feels so amazing to watch her get in the zone creatively. One of the most fun parts for me as a director is when it feels like you’ve been in the studio for enough hours that everyone is so relaxed that you really feel invisible in a wonderful, exciting way.

When she’s having the talk with her team about wanting to make endorsements for the midterm elections, which is maybe the most important scene in the film, it’s not clear if that is something you shot or if that was something that was on the spur of the moment, where she had someone get a camera in your absence. That was spur of the moment. So that was something someone on her team shot who was pretty good with the camera. That was very last minute. I’d been starting to work with her and talk with her before that, and I’d say, “If something’s happening last-minute that could be at all important or meaningful, film it with your cell phone, of if there’s someone around you that has a little DSLR camera or something, they could film it.” It allowed us to get really powerful, crucial scenes like that one that might’ve been hard logistically to get otherwise. And I love the personal quality of that material from especially the few little bits of stuff from her cell phone.

She told us she wasn’t sure she wanted to actually make or release a movie when filming started. Did she make that clear to you when it started? Like, this might be on spec, and might not come out? Well, it was less talking about the end result and more, honestly, just talking about what she was going through emotionally at that time and the kind of things that were on her mind. Then we’d brainstorm stuff that could be cool to film. I love the idea of filming really quiet, almost more mundane moments, because I think that ordinary/extraordinary contradiction that’s so central to the life of someone in the public eye is really interesting. I loved that moment early in the film where she’s alone in the car in the dark after the show riding to her hotel room - the idea of going from being on a massive stage in front of tens of thousands of people to being an ordinary person alone just going to bed at the end of the night.

She’s already been pretty candid with her fans. There are moments in the film where she’s shown as being annoyed with the fans and photographers gathered outside her door and that sort of thing. Do you think she felt okay with being portrayed as not being happy at all times? Oh yeah, totally. She’s a complex human being, and I think whether you like her music or not, if you watch this movie, you really get to know her as a human. And as you say, she writes so candidly in her lyrics about the hardest times, the times when she made mistakes. And that is what her fans love her for. But a lot of people don’t share their hard times. The most popular photos on Instagram are of weddings and babies, when what’s really relatable and what’s meaningful is connecting with someone over that time things weren’t perfect, or the friendship or relationship that didn’t work out, or the argument you had with your mom or something. You know, everyone wants to feel less alone in the more difficult experiences in life. And that’s one reason why they turn to art. And I think it’s why people watch movies. And the happy moments are meaningful when you’ve also been through the sad ones. Young girls need to see that their heroes are just as human as they are. And I think girls and boys of all ages could benefit from that reminder.

I want people to be surprised by it because I think that Taylor Swift is someone who everyone thinks they know. But I think if people start watching this film, they’ll realize they’re watching a film about this iconic artist deciding to live life on her own terms, and it’s a feminist coming of age story. I think they’ll be surprised by her sense of humor and her self-awareness, and they can appreciate the craft of songwriting, for instance. So I hope that even if people are not fans, that they’ll watch the movie and be really surprised and also feel like they’ve just met a complicated, layered human being.

Very few people at the superstar level have the gift of healthy self-awareness that she seems to have. Self-consciousness, yes, but self-awareness, that’s more rare. Yeah, it’s so true. I’m sure you’ve seen bits of the home movies in some of her videos in the past. When I looked at the home movies, what struck me the most about them is that she really always has been the same person. She’s been kind and generous and smart and imaginative and very hardworking since she was a girl. At age 11 she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. One of my favorite moments in the archives in the film is this clip of her, where she’s like in a diner and it’s just after the release of her first album, and she’s 16. Her childhood dream has just come true. And she tells the interviewer that she wakes up everyday being like, “Yes, this is happening.” But then she tells herself, “Now you have to figure out how to make it last.” That is so her. She had so much maturity and pretentiousness then, and she knew she wanted this to be her career and her life, and she wanted to write songs forever. It’s incredible to see a person at that age that self-possessed and cognizant.

At one point she says she wants to use her platform to speak out because she’s aware she won’t be in this position forever, where her opinions have some kind of import. Not that she’s predicting a major downfall, but she knows she won’t always have this attention. That’s undoubtedly true, but at the same time, she’s one of the only ones besides Beyonce that we would imagine being almost as big a star in 20 years, and not necessarily subject to the normal standards of diminishment of interest. She’s conscious of the historically short lifespan of female pop stars, and it’s so poignant when she says that. But it’s hard to know what will happen, though, because she issuch a trailblazer. I mean, there’s just been no one like her, and her fan base and the relationship she has with her fans is so unique, and, I mean, she’s already done so many things that no one else has done before — who knows what will happen in the future? She is cognizant of what’s happened in the past and what’s going to happen in the future … but it could be anything, because she’s different than anyone that’s come before.

We can hope we all live long enough to find out what a 50- or 60-year-old Taylor Swift is like. I love that idea too. I want to go to the arena tour of a 60-year-old Taylor Swift. I want to know what the songs she’s writing then are.

The last third of the film focuses on her decision to make a political statement and what comes after. It was a profound decision for her to make, and a multilayered one. In that, I saw this feminist coming-of-age story that I personally connected with, and that I really think women and girls around the world will see themselves in.

You didn’t actually have the “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince” song in the movie, but that’s the song on the album that most speaks to her political turn. So it seemed like a good thing to title the movie after? It was cool because it’s obviously, yeah, a reference to this song she wrote that has political themes. It was interesting that when the documentary was announced, her fans instantly understood some of the themes the film would have, because of the song title. And then for me, even if you don’t know the song, I see the movie as in some ways looking at the flip side of being America’s sweetheart. So I like how the title evokes that, too.

You have the twin moments of disappointment in the movie. Early on, you have the Grammy disappointment, and then later there’s the midterm result disappointment. Those are the parallel scenes, almost, where she’s having to deal with the results not turning out as she planned and one of these ultimately being more important than the other. I’m glad you noticed that. That means a lot. One thing that I think is amazing about her is that she goes to the studio and to songwriting as a place to process what she’s going through. I loved how, when she got the Grammys news, this isn’t someone who’s going to feel sorry for herself or say “That wasn’t right.” She’s like, “Okay, I’m going to work even harder.” And I think it’s amazing how you see her strength of character in that moment when she gets that news. Then with the election results, I loved how she channeled so many of her thoughts and feelings into this song (“Only the Young”). It was a great way to kind of show how stuff that happens in her life goes directly into the songs. You get to actually witness that in both cases.

Were you surprised that she addressed having had what could be described as an eating disorder? She seems hesitant to use that term but finally does. She’s been open about so many things, but that’s not something that she’s revealed. No, that’s one of my favorite sequences of the film. I was surprised, of course. But when you hear her talk about it, I love how she’s kind of thinking out loud. And yeah, she’s an icon of beauty, but even for an icon of beauty, as she articulates so beautifully, women are in this double bind situation. It’s impossible for anyone to meet every standard of beauty. It’s an impossible situation. And every woman will see herself in that sequence. I just have no doubt. And I do think people will be really surprised by it.

I tend to be clueless about these minor shifts in weight or body size, until people point them out en masse. It never would have occurred to me that she was any less thin on the “Reputation” tour until I started seeing comments about weight gain. But there are those who have their antennae out for the slightest change, and often it’s women, maybe it’s because you’re under that scrutiny yourselves. But you can also just not notice people being really skinny, because we’re all so accustomed to seeing women on magazine covers who are unhealthy skinny, and that’s become normalized. I think it’s interesting what you say about what you read during “Reputation” about her weight, because you really can’t win. There is a moment in the film where you see that part of the media backlash she experienced during 2016 was people saying, “Oh, she’s too skinny.” People complain if you’re too skinny, and if you’re not too skinny, you’re too fat. It’s incessant, and I can say this as a woman: It’s amazing to me how people are constantly like “You look skinny” or “You’ve gained weight.” People you barely know say this to you. And it feels awful, and you can’t win. So I think it’s really powerful to see someone who is a role model for so many girls and women be really honest about that. It’s a brave thing of her to do, and I think it will have a huge impact.

Her interactions with Kanye West are such an essential part of the story, but that’s not a name that has really ever escaped her lips publicly since 2010; she’ll say “a person” or something euphemistic if she has to address it. So I was in suspense to see whether or how much it would come up in your film,  given how little capital she wants to give this guy in her life. It’s a crux, twice, of her journey of self-acceptance, but it’s easy to imagine her not wanting it in the film. I think it’s an important part of the story, but I wanted to position… Like, with the 2009 VMAs, what was surprising to me when I asked her about it was that she talked about how the whole crowd was booing, and she thought that they were booing her, and how devastating that was. That was something I hadn’t thought about or heard before. And it meant a lot more to me because it made more sense in the context of her being this extraordinary young artist who is doing so well, and who, like so many performing artists, loves applause. And then she is on stage [still as a teenager] and it felt like all these people were booing her. When you put it that way, it’s so much more relatable to me, and it’s understandable to anyone, because we all want people to like us. And being on stage with a giant crowd booing would be horrible for anyone. So we tried to use it in a way that showed it in a slightly different light than people have seen before... We all care about what people think about us. It’s not a celebrity problem. It’s a universal one. It’s something everyone goes through, and I think the difference is that with Taylor, it plays out on a massive international stage.

At the outset, you’ve got her in voiceover talking about how she wanted to be the good girl and be accepted. And in the end, she is a good girl, so maybe that’s not a bad thing to want to be, but there are gradations of that. She’s played around with bad girl archetypes in the “Reputation” imagery and songs, but it was role-playing to a degree. Where do you think she ended up on the scale of all that? She starts out as a good girl and she ends up as a good girl who’s decided to speak out. You know, we live in a society in which girls are taught that other people’s approval is of paramount importance to our self-worth. “Do they like me? Was I nice enough? Are they mad at me?” Every woman I know is constantly asking herself these questions. So it’s so relatable in that way. But it’s not about not being a good person. I think that the arc in the film and what Taylor went through was letting go a little bit of what other people think of her, deciding to live on her own terms, and to put her own values first. The transformation that you see is going through this period where she lets go a little bit of that. She’s a good girl speaking out now, in a way. You can’t win everyone over. No one can. I think she’s really accepted that in a deep way.

[toongal1998]

This drawing took forever to complete, but I am pretty satisfied with how it turned out. The first version is one without shading and second is it the one with shading added. (The quality is better if you click on it.) I came up with the idea after rewatching the old Justice Ducks’s episode, as well as being imspired by DT17’s “Let’s get Dangerous!” special and listening to the classic Og teen Titans theme on repeat also sparked a lot of imagination. The only outfits I didn’t come up with are Lena’s, Boyd’s and Louie’s which already exist the show. I thought about each kids’s strengths and personalities when designing the other costumes as well what kind of powers/roles they would play and what kinda relationship they would have with their super mentors for this au.

• First up we have everyone’s favorite sassy magical teen, Lena. Her magical girl type outfit is what used for her hero costume. I tried my best to get the colors right so I hope it looks good. Lena’s role on the team is The Magical Brawler, with her using magical energy blasts, as well as allusions and brute force to defeat her opponents. She also doesn’t have a hero name like the others and just goes by Lena. (This is mostly because her magic protects her secret identity or something.) She and Quiverwing are the snarkiest towards the villains, especially if their evil plans are really stupid.

• She acts as a cool older sister figure to other kids on the team and is one of the most proactive on the team, with her answer to fighting a villain usually being “let’s beat them up” which can sometimes land her into trouble if she’s not careful. She’s very protective of Webby and Her younger (adopted) sister, Violet. So word to the wise evil doers, do not under any circumstances attack/harm either girl or you will be in a world of agonizing magical pain.

• Being oldest on the team as well as one of the most pessimistic/emotionally guarded at times, she tends to be a little more jaded to the whole hero worship thing the other kids have going towards The Justice Ducks. Her mentor/teacher is technically Morgana Macawber. In the beginning she was very distrustful towards the older magic user due to the woman’s past actions as a villain, as well as Lena’s own hang up’s with Magica. However, She eventually warms up to the sorceress after she sees how while having questionable morals at times, is still a good person who genuinely cares about her and Vi as not only her students/sidekicks, but her surrogate kids as well. (Morgana definitely joins the ‘these aren’t technically my kids, but I’m adopting them. You can’t stop me club.’)

• After that, their relationship starts to get better, but Lena still has her more rebellious impulses which causes her to be a bit more difficult when interacting with her mentor. She will argue with her about things like “Seriously! Why should it matter if my magic is still ‘developing’?! I can totally handle my Own magic, thank you very much! Now let’s stop gabbing and take down this creep before he overruns the whole city!” (Stuff like that.)

• Let’s move on to Webby or as she’s better known in the crime fighting world, Gummi Gal! So, it was a little difficult to figure out what kinda hero she would be, but after i decided to go with combining her spy training with her gummi juice powers, from “From the confidential files from agent 22” everything else just clicked. (Please note that I’m vaguely familiar with original gummi bears, I’m going off of ducktales 17 interpretation of it so if I get anything wrong, that’s why.)

• First let’s talk about the costume. I wanted to give her something that showed her personality as both a trained combat and espionage expert, as well as a excitable sweet munchkin who loves glitter and friendship bracelets. I based the colors off her regular pallet and added the cherry red parts to allude back to the gummi berry juice. The costume is made from super rubbery stretchy protective material either invented by S.H.U.S.H, prier or Team science to keep our super adorable rubber ball of death safe from villains when her gummi powers wear off, while also giving her a boost in battle while trying to beat up said baddies. Her red bow is the same material as the outfit, I gave her a pink mask, cause that’s her favorite color (also I wanted her to have a different mask color from Gosalyn and Huey.) and her utility belt is filled with other gadgets as well extra vials of juice in cases of emergencies. Not to mentioned she finally got her own Action Cane and still has her trusty grappling hook if things get too crazy.

• Webby’s role in the team is definitely combative close ranged fighter and The Heart of The Team. She’s already a beast in hand to hand combat, but when she drinks her gummi berry juice, she becomes a unstoppable springy force of power and agility, that can really give the villains a headache. She’s the most encouraging and affectionate on team always giving her fellow teammates hugs or high fives whenever she can. Her biggest weakness has to be her willingness to trust people at their word, being a little naive to harsh truths of the world cause she wants to see the good in others. She’s a badass, but an idealistic at her core and just wants to make the world a more happier place.

• Webby’s hero mentor is the Moon’s greatest warrior, Penumbra. Penny is at first confused by Small Della’s odd abilities, but adapts pretty quickly. They train a lot together and Penny teaches the young earther tricks she picked up from living on the moon where the gravity is very different from earth. This helps Webby get better at controlling where she wants to bounce when using her powers. Penny is pretty protective of all of the small Dellas and will be pretty aggressive towards those who try to harm them.

• Huey was easy I just made him updated version of his Gizmoduck costume with more of an emphasis of protection and practicality. I decided to give him a mask underneath his visor, because I believe he would definitely wear it as an extra precaution so villains don’t figure out his secret identity. (Even though it’s pretty obvious who these kids are, if you’re any paying attention.) I added a magnetic electro pulse glove blaster (sorry if the science doesn’t make much sense.) as well as magnetic boots, so he can better stay on Boyd’s back in battle and flight. (I was mostly inspired by Hiro from big hero 6 for that.)

• He uses the blaster to send magnetic frequency waves at his enemies. He can also grab things from a distance as a nod to his safety first mindset. His role on the team is occasionally the leader (there’s a bit of conflict with that issue.) and most importantly the thing he prides himself on, The Strategist. He’s great at analyzing situations and coming up with strategies, but can still over think things to his detriment. He clashes the most with Louie on the team as he feels his brother isn’t taking his role very seriously and Gosalyn as she not the best team player. He still looks up to Gizmoduck as his mentor, which drives him to prove himself as a competent leader and crime fighter in his hero’s eyes. Finally his hero name I think would either be Pulse or Gizmokid. Mostly I’m leaning on Pulse, cause I think it distinguishes him from Giz and let’s him make a name for himself as a hero in his own right, not just stuck in someone else’s shadow. (Though the bad guys will probably just call him, Gizmobrat to spite him.)

• (With Boyd I had trouble with getting his coloring just right so if it looks off, that’s why.) Boyd is the technically the youngest on the team in both appearance and mentality. He’s a sweet precious totally real boy that everyone instantly loves...well almost everyone. Louie, is at first a little heistent to be around him, but knows what happened at Doofus’s party wasn’t his fault so doesn’t hold it against him. He’s one of the easiest to trick out of the whole team which makes prime target for scheming villains to mess with. However, don’t underestimate this little powerhouse or you’ll regret it. He’s closest with Huey, with him being the first real friend the little tyke has ever known. (Dr. Gearloose is more of a parental figure then anything.) They can often be seen coming up with plans or just having fun learning stuff together. His hero mentor is Gizmoduck as well, but he also quickly warms up to Gandra. (who may or not be a anti hero in this au.)

• Gosalyn’s/Quiverwing’s costume was little harder to figure out. I kept going back and forth from a modern vs classic look, until I finally settled on a compromise that felt right. I do wish I made the cape more like Darkwing’s and drew a more modern looking bow, but other then that I think it came out pretty good. Her logo I’m especially proud of. Her role on the team is definitely the sharp shooter archer and weapons expert. I like to think she’s kinda like what if Batgirl was a archer. She likes to come up new weapons and gadgets to use on the bad guys. She’s the second oldest after Lena, making her also an older sister figure to the younger kids. Her mentor is Darkwing Duck, she loves being his crime fighting partner, but wishes she get more chances to really show her stuff and not be babied all the time by her guardian. This causes her to be one of the first kids to disobey the adult heroes when they say to stay out of something. Like that will stop her.

• Dewey was the hardest when designing what kinda hero he would be. At first, I thought of giving him a magical legendary sword that could change forms depending on what was needed, sorta as a way to mirror Dewey’s creativity and ever changing interests. However, I also felt he shouldn’t need to be ‘chosen’ by something to be a hero, so now the sword is actually something that he had to have create himself, but it also happens to be a magical shape-shifting weapon?.... (honestly if anyone has any better ideas, please help me, I totally except suggestions.)

• I gave him a costume similar to his God of Dance/Champ Popular personas with a blue Darkwing inspired cape. (Admit it, Dewey you actually love the show!) I added some protective chest armor, also gave him a angel wings and stars motif. His hero name if haven’t already guessed is Daring Dew. His role on the team is kinda the wild card/funny guy as well as a lancer to the more focused sometimes leader, Pulse. If I had to give an example of his role then probably something similar to beast boy from Og teen Titans or The flash from the justice league. He’s usually the first one to try and lighten the mood when something goes wrong, but he has his moments of Insecurites that causes him to doubt himself.

• He’s unique case as he doesn’t really have a official heroic mentor and just kinds bounces around from person to person depending on the day. Not that anyone dislikes the kid, but because he just finds them all so cool that he can’t pick one. (Basically, you know how your favorite avenger changes every week, it’s kinda like that.) He gets along best with Darkwing though and is kinda like his unofficial second sidekick. However, he does love spending time training with The Duck Avenger. He does seem familiar though, he just doesn’t know how. Hymmm. I wonder why.......

• Violet was also a tough one. Do I go with tech based weaponry, superpowers, space themed or magic? Nonetheless, I decided to combine her junior woodchuck survival skills and her magical quick study abilities to make her sorta of Magical Green lantern with an alchemist twist. I wanted to give her own way to do magic without having to use Lena’s powers or Magica’s emulet as a crutch. Her book on her belt is an ancient spell book filled with mystical runes and incantations that she uses to create magical contructs like weapons to battle her opponents. I gave her a teal green cloak, (mostly cause I was inspired by OG raven Teen Titans) a teal mask to hide her identity, light teal gloves and a rune turquoise stone that help channel her own magical abilities when she using her spell book.

• For her hero name I kinda like Light Saber (Disney technically owns Star Wars, so they could use the name.) or Guidelight (kinda like play on her junior woodchuck guide book.)

• Violet is the supernatural expert and living encyclopedia of the team. Something tells me she would do extensive research on all the justice Ducks’s known villains and would keep record of all of the info she gathered on the subjects. I have a headcanon that after “Let’s Get Dangerous” happened in this universe she would watch hours upon of the old darkwing Duck show while taking notes to better understand the full extent of the fearsome four’s backgrounds and abilities. Morgana, like Lena is also her hero mentor. They get along pretty well. She loves learning new spells from older sorceress who is more then happy to help the other with her knowledge on the subject.

• finally last, but never least, Louie! First off I drew him in his simple green hoodie with a dress shirt and tie. (Kid is pretty lazy when it comes to heroic theatrics.) His role on the team is The schemer and self proclaimed, Young Justice Ducks manager. Louie doesn’t really go by any alias and doesn’t wear a mask, cause in his mind there’s not much of point since no one really take them seriously anyways. They’re the kiddie sidekicks club in a lot of people’s eyes, so they don’t get much media attention compared to their mentors.

• If he’s not ‘training’ with his mentor, Storkules, or just hanging out with his teammates, then he’s scamming villains out of their stolen loot or finding new ways to try and get the Young Justice Ducks name out there. He probably takes the whole being a hero thing the least seriously out of everyone on the team, mostly because the adults are always their to save the day and take all the fire, so why not focus on building a solid following and use their obscurity to their advantage against the villains. ( To be honest I really couldn’t figure out what kinda hero he would be. I think maybe later on he could regain his godly gold touch powers, though much more limited this time with them being on a timer of or something. If anyone has any better ideas for him, please send them my way)

Anyways, thanks for reading. Again, if you have any suggestions, questions or ideas please feel free to share them. See ya!

[lucyoftheabyss48]

Top 6 Spring 2020 Anime to Watch

I was going to make this a Top 10, but it got way too long, so I cut it to 6. (Also above pic is from BNA)

Anyway, these are the Top 6 Spring 2020 Anime that I personally think will be worth watching. For all of these included in the list, I have watched at least the first episode. But of course, this list will be very biased, because my beloved Studio Trigger finally has another show again.

I won’t be including sequels (but I’m watching Fruits Basket S2, Ascendance of a Bookworm S2, and I’m trying to catch up on Kaguya-sama and Tsugumomo)

Let’s start from Number 6. May contain vague spoilers for the first episodes of these shows. More below!

6. Gal to Kyouryuu

This one looks like trash. I know. I know, but give it a chance. Maybe all you’ll get out of it is its comedy and strangeness, and its wacky live action second half. But just let me tell you the best part of this show, and why it’s so high on my list.

First, a quick summary. A gyaru (gal) girl takes in a dinosaur that she found one day, and they spend their time just living life together. That’s it.

That is it, but I think there’s more to it than just that. This gal girl, Kaede, from what I can tell, has just been going through the motions in life. She felt bored and uninspired and unmotivated. Her life was just work, and whatever fun things she could find to fill up her free time.

But when she brings in the dinosaur, despite her many complaints, she still cares for him and thinks of him and is considerate towards him. And for her to have someone by her side, and looking to her as a companion to face life together, side by side, creates a little more fun and a little more motivation in her own life.

This isn’t a deep show or anything. I don’t think there’s some dark hidden message, unless you want to look at it that way. It’s a sweet little show about the relationship between two lost and lonely people, finding their way in life together. One of them just happens to be a cute dinosaur.

Which amazingly, no one seems to question. I think that’s great, because it just cuts out that whole obstacle of others coming to terms with the dinosaur’s existence, and goes straight to him as just an individual character, and his relationship with Kaede.

It’s just really sweet, I can’t say this enough. It might be a little subtle. But just watch out for the things that Kaede does for the dinosaur, like how she seriously thinks about what she can do to help him. I also think the dinosaur definitely helps Kaede let down her guard and be more relaxed about some things. Both their lives are just brighter with each other than without.

(Edit after seeing Episode 2, SPOILERS: Never mind about this not being deep or dark, the ending of Episode 2 has changed my mind!! Please watch it, and let’s discuss theories!!!)

5. Arte

If you’ve read any of my past essays, maybe you’ve found out by now that I live for the dynamic between really great and supportive partnerships. And maybe you’ve also found out by now that most of this list consists of said partnerships. Arte definitely has one too.

So Arte is about a noblewoman who wants to be an artist, but everyone is against that, because she’s a woman, and women at that time don’t become artists. And moreover, she’s a noble, and so she needs to be ladylike and get married so she can continue to live a comfy life.

Basically that’s the premise, and Arte goes about trying to find her path to becoming an artist. She eventually becomes the apprentice of someone we all know: Leonardo da Vinci.

If you like art, if you like history and historical figures (read: if you’re a Fate fan like me), or if you just like a cool and determined female MC, then this is for you. I would say this is comparable to Ascendance of a Bookworm, or the anime movie Miss Hokusai. It’ll probably have equal parts lighthearted comedy and darker seriousness, and plenty of coolness from Arte and Leo both.

4. Gleipnir

I read a good chunk of the manga a year or two before this came out, so I’ve been looking forward to this. The animation in this first episode was really good quality, and it’ll probably only get better from here. The story is basically, one day, our MC Shuichi suddenly gains powers to turn into a big stuffed animal suit. Everyone who has these powers to transform has entered into a big battle royale to the death to collect the most coins.

Shuichi just wants to live a normal life and get rid of this animal form, and Claire wants to find a certain someone (among other things). Shuichi doesn’t want to fight, doesn’t want to kill anyone — but he can’t do nothing because then he’d be killed. And he doesn’t even know yet why he was turned into this monster.

That’s where Claire comes in. She has a goal, but she doesn’t have powers like he does. She’d be killed instantly on her own, just as he would because of his hesitation. Just so you know, she gets it into her head that the best way for them both to live, and get what they both want, is for her to get inside his animal suit form, and control him from the inside.

They’d both die on their own, but together, they can survive.

I think the story is interesting and plenty mysterious. There’s a lot of good stuff to sink your teeth into. But like always, the core of the show, to me, is the dynamic between Shuichi and Claire, and how they both find purpose and motivation because of each other.

Also Shuichi’s VA is the same as Tanjirou. And Ikuto in Runway de Waratte. So that’s a plus.

3. Princess Connect! Re:Dive

So it might be easy to dismiss this as another fantasy adventure harem with the lackluster MC, but I’m going to argue for our mostly silent and robotic protagonist. We find out in the first episode when he wakes up that he lost his memory, so I would say that that’s the reason why he’s pretty emotionless. So as he interacts more with Kokkoro, and learns more about the world from her, he becomes more expressive.

I think the best example of this is his last line at the end of the first episode, which sounded a little more emotional and personal than any lines he’d said earlier.

On another note, the animation is top notch — way, way too excessively pretty and beautiful and detailed, but I ain’t complaining. The grass. The grass. Watch it, and you’ll see what I mean. And the lighting. The lighting.

The action animation and comedy both are pretty reminiscent of Konosuba. A certain character’s finishing move is pretty similar to Explosion. And like Konosuba, a lot of the appeal of this show will probably be the female characters, their wild personalities, and all the shenanigans they get into.

But also like Konosuba, there’s a small, hidden sweet side sprinkled throughout, in how their ragtag group finds friendship and companionship with each other, when they couldn’t find it elsewhere. If you look at it that way, I think this show can be sweet and deep in its own way.

2. Tower of God

This is a big one that I know lots of people have been looking forward to, as it’s an adaptation of a popular Webtoon. I haven’t read the webtoon yet, but I will eventually. I’ll just say that first, the art and animation here is really, really good. In particular, the scenery and background art is amazing, and really creates the whole atmosphere. A single change in background can change the mood in a second. You’ll see what I mean immediately in the first scene with the big door. Or a little later on with the blood splatter.

The animation of the movement in action scenes is smooth and fluid, no problems there. The art style may take some time to get used to for some people who may not like it, but it’s personally just the kind I like. Honestly it reminds me of a Shaft work. So if you like the Monogatari series, the use of art style and background art here gives a similar vibe, or at least I think so.

As for the story, it starts with Bam getting separated from Rachel, and he starts his journey to climb a tower so he can meet her again. We get pretty much no reason for why she left yet, but I think we’re in for something really good with this story.

(I’m planning on making a separate analysis essay entirely on a certain scene in the first episode, so look forward to that.)

1. BNA

Brand New Animal. Trigger’s latest work, the last few being SSSS Gridman and Darling in the Franxx, and their first movie, Promare. I am a huge Trigger fan, and I’ve been excited for this one for a while.

Our MC, Michiru, is a human, but she suddenly gets turned into a tanuki person. She seeks refuge in Anima City, because (surprise!) the humans don’t like the animal people. But not everything is as it seems in Anima City, and she teams up with the wolf person, Ogami Shiro, to find answers — thus getting caught up in something way bigger and stranger than she ever expected.

First off, if you’ve been missing the crazy and cartoonish animation from Trigger’s earlier stuff, then you’re in for a treat. This has an undeniable Kill la Kill vibe, but with Promare’s amazing popping colors and backgrounds.

If you want to say it’s another animal show, like Beastars and Zootopia, go ahead. Let’s just get that out of the way.

Moving on, Michiru escapes to Anima City, expecting it to be a place where all the animal people can live freely and be themselves. But it turned out to be a free-for-all, strongest wins type of society, where animal people are quick to betray their own kind for their own personal gain. And even side with the humans who discriminated them in the first place.

Michiru’s character will probably be a hit or miss for most people. Some might find her annoying, others charming and endearing. I like her, as I tend to like these types of characters.

But I think what’s great, is that she gets challenged. Her ideas and beliefs about both the animal people and humans are put to the test, and her suddenly becoming an animal person herself means that she’s in a unique position of being able to understand both sides. But she’s also still an outsider, and she finds that maybe neither side was really quite like what she once believed. And so, her place in either side of society will come into question for her. There’s a lot to dig into here, and I’ll probably make separate posts for BNA alone later on.

If you like Trigger, watch it. It’s probably more of a mix between Gridman and Promare than it is Kill la Kill, despite sharing many animation similarities (even a certain sports match that’s basically torn right out of Kill la Kill). If you want something that’s a little more different and subtle and intriguing than their usual works, then this is for you. If you liked Beastars, give this one a try too.

Some Extras

--that I wanted to add to this list, but I’ll just briefly put them here so this post doesn’t get any longer:

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

Shironeko Project: Zero Chronicle

Listeners

If there’s more you think I missed, feel free to put ‘em in the replies!

Upcoming Essays:

Analysis on Orb Scene in Tower of God Episode 1

Navigating the numerous Fantasy-Adventure genre anime of the Spring 2020 Season

Various BNA essays (I’ve seen episodes 1-6 already, will be tagged for spoilers)

Gal to Kyouryuu Theories

Maybe something Fate related, it’s my recent obsession

[arcadianmoonshadowjedi]

TTS-Cass Character Analysis (My Personal Opinion) Part 1

There has been something I have been thinking a lot for quite a while. I’ve been thinking a lot about how views about Cassandra in the fandom are very polarizing, which I found to be super interesting that there are so many different interpretations about this one specific character.

I personally do not have a crush on her lol (my one only is my boy Eugene!!) nor do I romantically ship Cassunzel, Cassarian, or her with Eugene. But at the same Cass is a character that actually grew to not only be my favorite series exclusive character, but also has become my joint favorite character alongside Eugene and Rapunzel in the whole entire show (And believe me, I never saw that coming when I started the show because I was only interested in New Dream haha)! I found the amount of complexity that we see in her in S1, S2, and S3(to an extent) to be really interesting and enjoyable. It made her a very cool and well rounded character that I became so invested in her story, mostly in S1 and 2. But I wanted to reflect more on how I felt about this character throughout the show.

When I was first introduced to her in the show, I wasn’t really quite sure how I was going to feel about her like a part of me was like: Yeah! Rapunzel is finally getting a gal pal! Something we hardly see a Disney Princess getting! I enjoyed her in the Wind In My Hair scenes, her telling Rapunzel about the black rocks, and the scene where they tried several ways to cut her hair lol! On the other hand, I was completely mad at her whenever she interrupted New Dream scenes or when she pressured Rapunzel to keep a big secret which was negatively affecting her relationship with Eugene, but overall, it was more of a “Honey, I’m mad at you but I’m enjoying this kind of mad” lmao. 

I wasn’t entirely mad at her for insulting or picking on Eugene because I know my boy is strong and can stand up for himself, like he calls her names too! I personally don’t think she was mean to Eugene for fun, but it was more like she was very distrustful of him because he was the wanted thief that her father was hunting down and the fact that she thinks he’s “too laidback” or “self-centered” or a “freeloader in the castle” lol. (Just to make things clear, I’m the kind of person who can absolutely love a character, but still call out their individual flaws and actions, which are qualities that makes them more realistic and human, and makes me adore them even more). I for one enjoy Eugene and Cass’s sibling rivalry dynamic (My favorite friendship and platonic ship in the whole show haha!) I found it so hilarious and enjoyable how those two are throwing insults back and forth and annoy each other lol. I think I started liking Cass more than I did before in Rapunzel’s enemy and definitely Fitzherbert P.I. when she was actually rooting for Eugene against her dad!

Then of course, I was spoiled about Moonsandra!! Until this day, I hated getting this spoiler when I was still watching the show (I started about a year ago) and still in S1! I still wish I was surprised by it at the end of S2! Of course it didn’t help that the first episode I watched after that was none other than Challenge of the Brave! I was trying to keep in mind that this spoiler was going to happen much later and that I should enjoy the episode I’m currently watching but I felt so conflicted this entire episode I could hardly enjoy it lmao! I will get back to my thoughts on this episode later because it took me so long to re-watch it. 

Thank goodness Cassandra v. Eugene was the next episode because it helped ease the conflict I had about her more lol!! I found it hilarious how she and Eugene were locked in the cell and forced to work together but we see them bonding more! Overall, I liked seeing Cassandra’s arc for the rest of S1 and I liked seeing her grow a lot more. I felt like we got to see her be more compassionate, especially in Queen for a Day where she was willing to hug Rapunzel when Eugene and the guys were going to save her parents or when Rapunzel thought Pascal died. I loved seeing this side of Cassandra so much and has shown how much she grown since we first saw her! I also loved seeing her be a trio with Rapunzel and Eugene in a lot of latter S1 episodes where we see them working together more! I loved seeing Cass start to loosen up and not only be nicer and a better friend to Rapunzel but also seeing her start to get along with Eugene more while still maintaining their comical banter! I also liked seeing her and Eugene working together to help or save Rapunzel like in Painter’s Block and The Alchemist Returns. 

At the same time, I loved seeing more of her goals, like wanting to become a guard or proving herself to her dad. I loved that we also get some insight into her insecurity, which I felt like we got more of in Secret of the Sundrop, Under Raps, Great Expotations, and yes even Challenge of the Brave. The two latter episodes weren’t really episodes I liked or enjoyed, even when I rewatch them but at the same time, I felt like they do give clearer insight into her insecurity and COTB definitely does show a lot of what lead her to become Moonsandra. Cass is someone who wants to feel like she is noticed, appreciated, she wants to feel like she matters. While in that episode, Cass had done extremely shitty things and took it way too far, which I do not think is ever going to be acceptable like ever, I didn’t entirely see this episode as one sided conflict.

Now I know that people might disagree with what I’m about to say and I totally accept that. I decided to re-watch this episode a lot later while S3 was airing so I could get more insight into the whole Moonsandra turn. I felt like this episode showed so much of her insecurity and how she felt being looked down at as “Rapunzel’s Handmaiden”. This goes into that Cass wanted to be seen for who she is and for her combat skills, which is something that means so much to her. While I do love Rapunzel so so much (She’s the number 1 character I relate to and see myself in) I did feel like she was in the wrong as well, maybe not as much as Cass but still. Even though Cass didn’t talk about how much this meant to her, Rapunzel did notice signs of Cassandra being nervous and even told Eugene. Even throughout the challenge, there were several instances where Rapunzel could tell that Cass was bothered, but still continued anyway. I just felt that in this episode Rapunzel did act in a way that was inconsiderate and selfish (somewhat similar to Goodbye and Goodwill, but that played out differently), but at the same time, I don’t entirely blame her. She was locked in a tower for her first 18 years with no human interaction except with a horrible, abusive “parent” that never loved her. Of course she is going to lack a lot of social skills and knowledge about how friendships work, but over the course of the series she goes through many things that teach her more and I absolutely loved seeing her grow in this.

Back to Cass, while I do think that this was more of two-sided issue that could’ve been prevented by better communications on both sides, I’m in no way excusing what Cass did. However, what I did admire is that when they did talk and Raps apologized, and although Cass should have apologized and said she was wrong out loud, at the end, Cass at least came to realize that she was wrong and has owned up to her mistake, maybe not completely or in the most traditional way, but when she saved Raps from Wreck Marauder, raised Rapunzel’s arm up to declare her champion, and actually hugged her, that was her way of apologizing. Now I know that not everyone will agree with my interpretation of this episode but it’s just how I saw it and I tried to see it from the points of view of both characters and be unbiased as much as possible.

I personally don’t think of Cass as a horrible person or toxic friend, at least in S1 till the mid/end of S2 because on a more personal note I have dealt with so many toxic friendships in real life. In those toxic friendships, one major issue that has lead me to cut ties or create distance is that when the toxic friend hurt/used me (Which I really don’t wish to go into detail on atm), they NEVER and I mean NEVER admitted their actions were wrong or ever even bothered to see it, even when I called them out on it. I refuse to see Cass as a toxic or horrible person because even when she does something wrong, she’ll admit it, she’ll own up to her actions and accept the consequences, and eventually she actually started apologizing.

I know this post is super long but I really wanted to express my thoughts on Cass and still want to go over her arc in S2 (my personal favorite!!) and S3 (which might actually might be super painful! I would say I had overall mixed-negative feelings on that lol) But this concludes most of my thoughts on S1 Cass I wanted to reflect on!

[frankics]

hello  all  you  lovely  lovely  people  !  thanks  again  for  applying  to  this  rp,  you  have  NO  idea  how  excited  i  am  to  get  this  going.  i’m  lily,  i’m  newly  20,  in  the  est  timezone  and  my  pronouns  are  she/her.  i  love  trash  tv,  my  puppies,  and  the  collected  works  of  the  greatest  band  in  history  (one  direction).  this  is  my  trash  daughter  frankie,  she  truly  belongs  in  the  garbage  but  i  love  her  so  much.  below  the  cut  is  my  long  ass  intro  for  her,  i  forgive  you  if  you  don’t  read  it  all  because  looking  at  it  now  i  wouldn’t  want  to  either  !  anyway,  if  you’re  interested  in  plotting  with  me  and  frankie,  hmu  on  discord  and  you  can  check  this  blog  for  some connections  i  would  love  to  see  !

( alisha boe, cisfemale, she/her, MUSE E ) — oh my god, i totally just saw FRANCESCA ARCHER walking through greenwich village! you know, she plays SKYLAR ELLIS on that new netflix show, the village? i can’t believe they’re already famous at TWENTY-ONE. i’ve watched all of their interviews, and they totally come off as IMPERTINENT and RECKLESS, but they can also be ROMANTIC and WITTY. based on their social media, i’d describe FRANKIE like ( worn out black high-tops, mischievous smiles, nails painted different colors, peach vodka, swimming in an ocean during a storm ) — totally makes sense that people call them THE SPITFIRE.

important links: bio. statistics. filmography. muse posts. social media. 

warning: death tw on the 5th bullet point!!

the frankie archer story begins in 1996, when her mother yasmiin moves from her home of somalia to brooklyn to pursue an art career. she moved into a tiny apartment halfway across the world, knowing nothing and no one, looking for inspiration. she found it in the form of lorenzo archer, her next door neighbor. they dated for two years, but neither family approved of the other as a match: yasmiin’s family wanted her to return to somalia, and lorenzo’s roman catholic family were not pleased about their son selecting a non-catholic woman. but lorenzo and yasmiin didn’t care, and got married at new york city hall with the court appointed witness. two weeks later, yasmiin was pregnant with frankie. 

francesca simone archer was born on june 9, 1999. she is a gemini sun, a scorpio moon, and an aries rising. she was named francesca for her grandmother on the paternal side, and simone after nina simone, the singer that was playing on lorenzo’s record player when they first met. her two siblings, nala archer and zahi archer, were born in 2001 and 2003 respectively. 

her childhood is generally quite happy. lorenzo and yasmiin were born to be parents and they love frankie, nala, and zahi endlessly, the type of supportive love that makes children thrive. frankie possesses a natural wit and excels academically, nala is the star athlete, and zahi is a wizard with watercolor. frankie loves the movies and decides she wants to be an actress when she grows up, so lorenzo and yasmiin enroll her in acting classes and improv camps. things chug along in the archer family beautifully. 

that is, until frankie gets a high school scholarship to packer collegiate institute, located in the affluent neighborhood of brooklyn heights. she takes it, of course, with her parents’ full support. but she is nothing like anyone else who attends packer, and for a 14 year old who wants to blend in, that is the worst possible thing. she is suddenly, painfully aware of her worn-out clothes, her used books, her strange mother with paint stains on her bleached out jeans. frankie lashes out, screaming and storming off and slamming doors. she and her mother are hurricanes and the rest of the family simply battens down the hatches. one day when frankie is 15, she tells her mother that this family is her worst nightmare. it is the last words she will ever speak to her mother. 

a few hours after, the archers get a call that yasmiin has been in an accident. it was a hit and run: a drunk driver t-boned her, and they’re rushing her to the hospital. when the family arrives, the doctors break the news that yasmiin is comatose and that things aren’t looking good. lorenzo refuses to take her off life support, insisting she’ll recover. she is in a coma for nearly a year and a half before he is convinced to pull the plug. 

and now, the part of the frankie archer story that everyone knows, the serendipitous hollywood beginning. she’s just a charming, talented, grieving, all-american girl from brooklyn, heading off to juilliard in the fall. on her 18th birthday, the first one spent without her mother, she attends an open call for a role in an indie film called thursday mourning. she thinks it’ll be a fun way to spend the day, or at least distracting enough. and then she gets the fucking part. 

long story short, the film blows up. it’s shown at venice, winning the golden lion and a prize for frankie as the most promising young actor in the festival. it’s nominated for four oscars, including a best supporting actress nom for frankie. she doesn’t win, but it’s created a path for her to do whatever she wants, acting-wise. she does three more films in the next two years, gaining a reputation as an indie darling before realizing that indie films don’t make all that much money. 

and she needs money, because her father is drowning in hospital bills from yasmiin’s death that he can’t pay. that’s when the offer comes through from her agent: a starring role in an ensemble cast netflix show called the village. she’s planning on throwing the script away. she’s not interested in any television show, much less a teen drama. she’s a serious actress and she certainly doesn’t want to be the next veronica lodge, made fun of on the internet by strangers with discerning taste. but with a little coaxing from her agent, she reads the script, and the role is good, the writing strong. so she takes the village, even though she wants to do movies more, even though she might get memed into oblivion. one episode will halve her father’s debt. 

frankie was tapped for the village because while she’s definitely not as famous as some of her other castmates, nor does she have the hollywood background, she has consistently received acclaim for her performances. the producers think it will bring them some clout with the critics, and she has a sterling reputation as a hard worker on set.

so that’s the basic bio of frankie! now onto her personality >:-)

first of all, and most importantly, if you call her francesca you are DEAD.

frankie’s described by the media as a spitfire, and she definitely lives up to that description. she’s not particularly patient with interviews or paparazzi, she has a nasty mouth and an acerbic sense of humor, and to the general public she probably comes across as quite guarded and private about her life. she got into this business to be an actress, not a celebrity. 

nevertheless, if she wanted to be a celebrity, she could probably be a pretty beloved one. frankie has a very charismatic, charming way about her, that probably lets her get away with more in the public eye than she should. there’s just something about that hollywood story that makes people relate to her and root for her. 

the number one defining characteristic of frankie is her passion. she throws herself intensely into everything she does, feels emotions too vividly, fights for what she wants. she cares so much about everything. acting is her main passion, her forever love. it’s why she’s so good at what she does: she’s not the most talented, she doesn’t have the most training, but she feels so intensely. it also makes her very emotional (classic cancer!) if you’re close with her

also because of this passion, she’s probably the most competitive person you’ll ever meet in your entire life. she’s like, slightly insane about it? she wants to win everything, but she hates losing even more than she likes winning. she’s the type to throw a tiny tantrum if she loses a game of uno. 

frankie’s always been bold, likes to live life on the edge, but it became something much uglier after her mother’s death. she’s reckless to the nth degree: doing her own stunts, drinking and partying the night away. she’s not suicidal, but in some ways, it’s like she doesn’t have a huge regard for her own life. 

in her private life, frankie is pretty different. it’s not so much that her negative qualities disappear -- she still swears like a sailor and is less than patient. but rather, the flaws become less apparent when you get to know her. she’s sort of a goofy little marshmallow wearing a giant suit of spiky armor. 

one of the most loyal people you will ever meet, because she throws herself headlong into friendships and relationships. she’s sort of an all or nothing type gal, so if you befriend frankie expect it to be a very close relationship whether you like it or not. 

she is kind of the crazy friend? she’s baby? like she’s absolutely the person who’s encouraging everyone else to do dumb shit, and she’s always coming up with ridiculous ideas and pranks. side note give frankie a prank buddy on set!

she’s really quite witty. she absolutely loves twitter, which is basically the only glimpse the general public would get as to who frankie is in private. her twitter filled with her dumb jokes and random thoughts. in another life, she might have been a twitter comic.

she is a hopeless romantic, which she will never admit to anyone in the world unless it’s layered under 100 miles of sarcasm. the only relationship she’s really ever known is her parents’ relationship, and they were madly in love til the bitter end. she desperately wants something like that, but hasn’t quite found it. she’s been in exactly one pr relationship, but nothing particularly real or long-lasting.

she loves fashion. her mother taught her to sew and she sketches and makes some of her own clothes. her absolute dream is to collab with a designer on a fashion line: some of her favorite labels are marc jacobs, jean paul-gaultier, sies marjan, and moschino! she’s also had a lot of positive press for her red carpet looks. 

she has a dog, who she loves more than anything! his name is duke, he’s a staffie rescue, and she brings him on set frequently. she’s lobbying to get him cast as someone’s dog. 

she’s playing skylar ellis on the village, and because this is literally so long you can find some info about skylar at these links: statistics, muse posts, social media. i haven’t finished writing her entire bio yet but here’s the rundown: skylar appears to everyone like the pretty princess who has everything she could ever want. her parents are rich, she’s beautiful and smart, and she has a perfect relationship with phillip. but on the inside, she’s drowning. her dad wants her to take over the family company but she wants to be a writer, and the worst part is that she’s good at writing and horrible at business! she’s always been content to go with the flow (aka, what her parents want) because things are good in her life, but after her encounter with james over the summer, she’s realizing that she is completely trapped in a life she doesn’t want in the least. now she’s a conflicted mess of emotion trying to figure out what to do. 

[quarterfromcanon]

2019 Fic Writing Roundup

I was tagged by my lovely friend @catty-words.

Total 2019 Word Count: 58,159

Total 2019 Hits: Asdfghjkl; Oh gosh, it’s much harder to tell when the work is only on Tumblr!  I’ll tally up the notes from there to get the closest approximation I can. It looks like there are 174 total (a mix of likes and comments) on the pieces that I posted from this past year.

Other 2019 AO3 Stats: N/A, although I did finally join AO3 *this* year, so next time around there’ll actually be things to put here! :)

Total 2018 Word Count: Published? None. I think I might have tried writing a little bit of something for myself somewhere in there, but I didn’t get back to any kind of public fandom writing until 2019.

Total 2018 Hits: None. What a difference a year can make! I look forward to comparing 2019 to whatever’s yet to come in 2020!

Other 2018 AO3 Stats: N/A

links and titles to 2019 works

Oooh, this is actually a good opportunity to list them chronologically rather than in publication sequence. Let me see if I can get them sorted. (If, however, you’d prefer to read them in the order that they were published, you can click here and simply open the installments in reverse, since Tumblr displays things oldest-to-newest.) All of the following were written for the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend fandom and feature Heather x Valencia as their central pairing.

1. Barrier  [1,385 words] - Following where we last saw them in 1.09, Josh and his friends continue their beach day now sans Rebecca’s presence. Consequently, Valencia’s critical eye falls on the only other woman in their company - Heather.

2. Unexpected [3,003 words] - The conclusion of 1.18 leaves Valencia with a lot of emotional baggage to unpack. As one of West Covina’s most frequented locales, Home Base is the first place that springs to mind where she might chase away her sorrows (or perhaps just air them out verbally while all other involved parties are away at Jayma’s wedding). Heather finds herself pulled into comfort and commiseration despite her efforts to avoid involvement.

3. Lost Control and Tumbled Overboard Gladly [3,265 words] - Heather goes to her parents’ home for the first holiday visit since moving out on her own. She has her new friend Valencia in tow. Sincere conversation and the rare allowance of vulnerability break down Heather’s walls with an ease that takes her by surprise.

4. Such Sweet Nothing [1,362 words] - Valencia and Heather return to V’s apartment after their Labor Day afternoon of story-swapping and quality time together. Valencia revels in the joyful acquirement of the second gal pal of her adult life. Heather contends with the dawning realization that her interest in Valencia may not be purely for friendship.

5. There’s A Reason Not to Want This (But I Forgot) [2,418 words] - Internet sleuthing with Rebecca pulls Valencia right back into a Josh fixation spiral. Heather must also face some unresolved feelings: namely, a crush now so intense it can no longer be denied.

6. Habits [3,599 words] - The desire to protect Valencia’s heart overrides the instinct to shield her own, and so Heather ends the self-imposed avoidance of her company. She arrives on V’s doorstep with a helpful cover story and some unfortunate news that needs to be broken gently.

7. I Want Not to Want Anything [1,314 words] - Heather Davis gets Santa Ana Winded.

8. Breathless [3,673 words] - A talk with Heather about Rebecca’s impending marriage to Josh leads Valencia to reassess what matters to her. A rosé-fueled jaunt to a local green space gives rise to the persistent inkling that what - or rather who - she really wants may be a lot closer to her than she’s ready to admit.

9. No One’s Really Got It Figured Out Just Yet [3,289 words] - Valencia throws the bachelorette party for Rebecca. Gurl Group antics and H+V flirting tactics set to hits from the mid ’90s and 2000s ensue. 

10. Evading [2,207 words] - In the wake of events from 3.05 and 3.06, Heather and Valencia have a much needed heart-to-heart. They put some important truths into words while treading lightly around a few unspoken facts so delicate they’re best left in the margins.

11. How Long Do You Plan to Keep Me at the Back of Your Mind? [2,442 words] - An evening welcoming Valencia’s girlfriend Beth to be an honorary member of the Gurl Group doesn’t go quite as smoothly as planned when Heather has a difficult time harnessing her lingering feelings.

12. You and Me, Always Between the Lines [1,828 words] - Now that she has spoken with all of her immediate family members and closest friends, Valencia is prepared to announce her first romantic relationship with a woman on social media. In Beth’s absence, she seeks the moral support of her best friend. Heather is readily by her side for this next big step in Valencia’s coming out journey.

13. Gradation [2,503 words] - Valencia’s time with Beth is at an end and, in her hour of heartbreak, she returns to the same place for comfort as the previous occasion when she found herself suddenly single: across the bar from Heather.

14. Rough Draft [2,625 words] - Valencia and Heather FINALLY get together. Valencia experiences her own “Oh My God, I Think I Like You” freak out.

15. Strategy [1,212 words] - Heather and Valencia have a stay-at-home date night featuring deliberately cringey pick up lines and tangled limbs on a couch in the dark.

16. Verity [3,834 words] - Heather temporarily resumes her role as Valencia’s assistant coordinator when they plan a vow renewal celebration for Paula and Scott. On this night, the recently remarried couple may not be the only two pouring out their hearts in a room full of loved ones...

17. Different and the Same [1,035 words] - Valencia and Heather just moved into their own place. They spend their first morning there together and make good use of the privacy and freedom this new residence affords.

18. Finishing Touches [1,157 words] - Heather and Valencia personalize the interior of their new living space. The situation soon devolves into paint-splattered hijinks.

19. Patterns in the Light [1,058 words] - Despite the fact that they are literally cohabitating and have professed their feelings for each other, Valencia remains a clumsily flirty nerd and I love her for it. Heather does, too.

20. Sage [1,324 words] - After being trapped in a car with someone she didn’t want to be trapped in a car with, Heather returns covered in a dead woman’s ashes. Valencia’s time as a ghost-beleaguered home energy cleanser has arrived at last. She is uniquely qualified to save the day.

21. Portage [1,707 words] - Heather has plans for a couple’s trip with Valencia. The only obstacle is keeping it a secret between the two of them.

22. The Courage and the Strength I Need [1,957 words] - Valencia struggles during Heather’s business trip because it is their first time apart since becoming a couple. They FaceTime to ease the pain of distance and talk about their future.

23. Wanna Be With You All Alone [1,237 words] - Heather comes back from the aforementioned work travel to find that Valencia has made special welcome home arrangements.

24. Midnight, Fright and Candlelight [1,426 words] - A quiet evening is interrupted by a power outage. Heather and Valencia find a surprisingly wholesome and G-rated way to pass the time. 

25. Next to You [1,550 words] - The big yearly Davis Family Reunion quickly approaches. Valencia prepares to accompany Heather to this event and be introduced to many members of her extended family.

26. Warm Whispers [1,683 words] - Heather and Valencia just want to be all cute and domestic and spend the morning fooling around. Their cats disrupt these pursuits in typical feline fashion.

27. “When We’re Together, Darling, Every Night Is Halloween.” [1,228 words] - Heather and Valencia get ready to attend a Gurl Group Halloween party. Their second annual couple’s costume? Gomez and Morticia Addams. 

28. #afewofmyfavoritethings [2,838 words] - Nathaniel, Rebecca, Valencia, Heather, Paula, Scott, and Tommy all rent a cabin for vacation. This piece follows them through a day of wintertime fun. Pure fluffiness here and I had the best time writing every second of it.

Favorite Fic: Probably #afewofmyfavoritethings. I packed it with elements I personally love and moments I was hoping my new friends in the fandom would like. Plus, it was honestly just so good for my soul to write these characters in a soft world where they could engage in classic snow day activities and enjoy each other’s company.

Hardest Fic: I knew there were a few installments of Femslash February where I wrote whole paragraphs or even pages I didn’t keep/decided to revise, but I was pretty sure I also remembered at least one where I wrote an entire separate piece. My sleep schedule was, shall we say, not advisable during February but it was also easily the most exhilarating month of my year. I tracked down the evidence of that rewrite and it turns out the incident I recalled was for Unusual Kiss (the prompt for Day 4 of FF). The original involved something to do with butterfly kisses because, evidently, my inclination to link Valencia to winged beings knows no bounds. I’ve got to admit that I’m still fond of the concept of Valencia giving Heather a subtle “kiss” during a hug in that painfully frightening time before Beth when she was afraid to outright kiss a woman in any way that couldn’t be dismissed as platonic. There’s a good chance an interaction of that nature could appear somewhere in the full story. I am notoriously drawn to that angst period of undisclosed pining so the temptation is quite strong. Still, I’m glad I used the version I actually posted and saved elements of the first draft for later. Fragments of their conversation from the original will probably make it into the final tale, but I think I prefer to sprinkle them across several exchanges instead of divulging them all at once.

Do You Plan to Take Prompts in 2020? Sort of yes and sort of no. I am participating in the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Valentine Exchange, which involves a prompt-esque note from the participant each of us were assigned as our guide to spark inspiration for the gift. It’s also possible that there’ll be some writing prompt list posted somewhere along the way just like Femslash February was last year, and I’ll end up wanting to join the fun. Other than that, though, I’ll mainly stick to the one writing project in an effort to hone my focus.

What was the best thing about 2019? I’d definitely say the bonding and interactions with other members of the fandom. The encouragement and support I received from them remains the primary motivation for me to keep writing and chasing after the ongoing goals I set for myself.

What was the worst thing about 2019? The most honest answer that my mind immediately supplied is death of a close relative. While that isn’t the sole reason for the dip in my creative output (especially since there were multiple months between my last published fic and the passing in question), I know it could certainly be counted among the contributing factors to an overarching writing problem I had. Even before my family’s loss, there was a shift in my thought process that only got worse once there was more on my plate in my personal life. There were many times I sat down wanting to write again but it felt too difficult and intimidating to commit words to the page. I couldn’t seem to transfer them from my mind to the keyboard and I’d invariably switch to doing something else. I developed this terrible internal conviction that insisted the larger fic I wanted to write wouldn’t work as well as the shorter installments. That gnawing insecurity would have me believe one month’s worth of well-received efforts was already such a marvel that anything beyond that point was somehow pushing my luck. Where did the mental voice originate and why couldn’t I shake it? It’s difficult to parse out but what I do know is that I’ve firmly decided 2020 is going to be a year I put it on silent. I know what it’ll mean to me for everything that’s been floating in my head to finally be told in one cohesive format, and to have the satisfaction of giving my favorite characters the ending my heart says they deserve. It’s a sense of closure that’s worth the pursuit.

Any last thoughts for 2019? The bad parts of the last twelve months made me want to essentially say “good riddance” to the year, but the good parts were far too treasured to wish all of 2019 away. I am so grateful for the new people I met and friendships that solidified during that time. I especially owe my most heartfelt appreciation to @catty-words, @notbang, and @monaiargancoconutsoy. Thank you for everything. <3

Goals for 2020

Finish. The. Fic.

I believe everyone I know who writes fanfic has already been tagged but, if you haven’t gotten the chance to look back over your writing year, by all means, use these questions to give it a go! :)

[thornquillthefiendish]

A little thing (actually very big thing woah) on the three even though I haven’t really gotten anywhere near their designs yet.

Though I’m not fully caught up on the series due to being a bit lazy and also getting into the actual books really late since no bookstores near me sold them, I’ve seen enough amvs and read enough of the books to know the basic gist of things, especially since I got into warriors around the same time of omen of the stars coming out and weirdly enough one of the only books (and the first warriors book I ever got) I physically own is night whispers which was weird to get into because it wasn’t even the beginning of that arc damn it, but that’s not the point. The point is that from what I’ve read, seen, and heard of (still reading through the series damn it, do not even care for spoilers at this point) I kinda wish things had gone differently.

First off, in this AU I want ashfur to instead have fallen in love with Brambleclaw, who in this AU gets a slight name change to Bramblepelt, mostly so he has a connection to his sister, Tawnypelt, no matter how far apart they are. Ashfur is originally good friends with squirrelflight (renamed Redflight after Redtail) and this friendship is severed when her and Bramblepelt begin seeing each other. Redflight never really gets into relationships with other toms in this, it’s just an off and on relationship, with her going to her friends and family for comfort, this including Ash for awhile until he distances himself completely from her. The plot against firestar, or in this AU, Ravenstar, is actually so he can gain Bramblepelt’s favor in some way, as he believed when Bramblepelt became leader after his death, he’d be able to admit he helped Hawkfrost and that Bramblepelt would be pleased with him. It didn’t work though, and Ashfur slowly began to blame the object of his affections.

Meanwhile, Leafpool still has her thing with Crowfeather, who is developed a bit differently in this AU and not as much as an Asshole as he is in canon. I think their relationship spurred after Redflight introduced her to him at a gathering, as ofc one of the toms who went on the journey with her since I think they’d be close buds here. The relationship spirals out of control and ofc leafpool decides she can no longer continue this relationship and the two amicably decide to end it. Then leafpool finds out she’s pregnant.

Now we can get into the main bbs, Lionblaze, Hollyleaf and Jayfeather. These three will have parts of them swapped, though overall their personalities are unchanged, except for Lionblaze. Lionblaze grows up to be a softy, he originally wants to become Medicine cat, but the stars instead have him become a warrior. His suffix doesn’t match his personality at all, and most are very confused as to why he isn’t in the medicine den, almost just as confused as to why he’s so damn strong. He’s not amazing at tactics, but has amazing brute strength, which he hates. He’s really close with Leafpool, and loves his parents dearly. He also sees himself as close with Ashfur, who constantly wants to distance himself from him. He instead loses his powers due to the following.

Jayfeather remains the same, but instead of lionblaze being the one to train in the df, it’s him. After he is eventually judged rather forcefully into becoming a Medicine cat, Jaypaw awakes in the dark forest, where the cats there train him to hone his fighting skills beneath everyone’s noses. Eventually, he realizes the dark pull the dark forest has on him and abandons it completely, though most cats are very suspicious as to why he has noticeable muscles and scars on him. He’s mostly unchanged besides that, and secretly being a great fighter despite his blindness. He got a lot closer to Redflight than he did to Bramblepelt, though he ofc still loves him. Redflight also consistently tried to get him to become a warrior no matter what, and was heart broken for him when he eventually had to become a led cat.

Hollyleaf barely changes, but her better qualities are more exaggerated. She’s a deligent warrior who knows the code word by word and has amazing battle tactics and a good head on her shoulders. She’s the glue that holds her siblings together and the mediator, very calm and logical. She’s a daddy’s gal, Bramblepelt would always cheer his kits on, no matter what they chose to do, and he could tell Holly wanted to become something greater as a kit, so he always incouraged her. She gains her own power in this, which is basically very similar to a Sherlock Holmes thing, she can observe small, insignificant details to anyone else and eventually piece together the entire image rather quickly, she may also have the ability to see into the past in brief flashes, but only of the place she currently stands in.

This is where the even bigger changes happen.

So the fire scene happens, Ashfur gleefully ready to let the kits of his beloved and their mate die in a fire so that he can further torture Redflight. Redflight forces herself to act as if she doesn’t care, because the kits aren’t hers. Ashfur, shocked, and equally pleased, let’s them live, planning to eventually tell Bramblepelt and turn him against his own family.

Instead of Hollyleaf being greatly distraught, it’s Lionblaze. Lionblaze, who trained for moons with Ashfur, who loved and trusted his parents, and had known nothing, but being kind and gentle, felt an immense hatred build up inside him. This is what leads him to kill Ashfur. Hollyleaf stumbles onto the scene, and though horrified, helps her brother cover the murder up so that he would not be blamed. Lionblaze becomes a wreck, unable to quite forgive himself for what he’s done, and inevitably regretting it, as if Ashfur haunts his every step.

Hollyleaf grows weary as she watches her family fall apart, and her poor brother grow sicker and sicker with the stress of what he’s done, but she also grows angrier. She eventually is able to piece together everything she currently knows about her family, and is able to get information from cats outside of her family, piecing together that her parents are actually Leafpool and Crowfeather with what some would call very little information. She is disgusted by this, and begins to blame Leafpool and Crowfeather for her family’s pain.

Jayfeather attempts to move on, he attempts to live the life he’s been given the best he can, only distancing himself from his family. The glue that was Hollyleaf is running dry as she becomes more and more obsessed with justice, with finding someone to blame, anyone. Jayfeather falls into a silent depression, he hides his feelings on the topic and focuses on the prophecy.

Eventually Hollyleaf reveals that Lionblaze killed Ashfur and that her and her siblings parents are Leafpool and Crowfeather. Chaos ensues, and Hollyleaf quickly comes to realize that everything has been made worse. She blames herself, but still not as greatly as her biological parents. She still tells Leafpool to eat the death berries, but her reasoning is instead due to the pain and grief her family, her real family has gone through all leading back to her. Leafpool expresses that she had no other choice, she couldn’t be a mother and she knew it, and she couldn’t leave her duties, and now that everything was said and done, she’d rather be dead than have put all of them through this. Hollyleaf has a brief moment of clarity, of sympathy for Leafpool, not quite sure how to feel at all about this, and when Jayfeather walks in on them, she panics. She runs off, towards the tunnels, the self hatred in her building up as she comes to the conclusion that there wouldn’t be this much hurt if she hadn’t opened her mouth.

She runs into the tunnels, and it of course caves in, Lionblaze and Jayfeather watching as their sister dies (but not really), and instantly turning against each other, Jayfeather blames Lionblaze, arguing the only reason she did any of this was to defend him, and that he did not once attempt to lift the weight off her shoulders, Lionblaze, enraged, attacks Jayfeather, and is interrupted by Bramblepelt and Redflight breaking up the fight. Redflight begs for them to apologize to each other, that they’re all that they have now, and Lionblaze, still heated and angry snaps back that Redflight isn’t their mother, that they aren’t family. He marches off, Leaving his adoptive parents with a slightly scratched, but alright Jayfeather, who attempts to comfort his mother as he breaks to her the terrible news.

After the fact, the entire family is mostly split, Leafpool and Redflight comfort each other, Bramblepelt has no real clue on how to feel and what to think, and Jayfeather and Lionblaze completely distance themselves from each other and their families. Eventually, very slowly, the two brothers become close again, just as Bramblepelt and Redflight forgive each other. They start to heal. Lionblaze figures out he’s lost his power, and Jayfeather and him become very confused. Though lionblaze is glad, but this means he’s no longer apart of the prophecy, which begs the question.

Who’s the third and second cat?

In their minds, Hollyleaf is dead, meaning the second cat is dead as well, and Jayfeather takes this to mean the prophecy might be dead too. That is until Dovepaw comes around, and adds even more questions to the entire thing. If the prophecy isn’t dead, there’s another cat out there who’s going to join them. Even though Lionblaze no longer is apart of the prophecy, he helps Jayfeather since he was for so long.

Meanwhile, Hollyleaf is spending time finding herself with Fallen Leaves, and basically mothering a Fox kit. This gives her time to think about herself and what she’s done, and eventually, forgive herself. She thinks she’s no longer apart of the prophecy, but is proven wrong when she is able to see into Fallen’s past while in the tunnels. She then realizes she needs to go back home to help her clan.

I think everything basically is very similar to the books up until the battle, where Hollyleaf lives because fuCK YOU. Instead of dying, she gets lots of heavy wounds before Bramblepelt swoops on to try to save her, but gets overwhelmed quickly. Surprise though, Ashfur (who joins the df instead since before he died in this au he might’ve been involved with them via Hawk) turns against Hawkfrost, dies during battle, and before things can escalate any further, Tigerstar is killed and everyone retreats.

After the fact, the three lose their powers, and StarClan makes it known to Bramble and Leaf that Jayfeather and Lionblaze can now follow their wanted paths in life. A ceremony is held where Jayfeather becomes a warrior and is named Jayfire after his grandpa, and Lionblaze becomes a Medcat and is named Lionflower, after his grandmother Goldenflower (also technically Lionheart). Redflight still becomes dep, but I plan to make holly her dep for when she becomes leader. Also CinderHolly or Hollycinder is real here and Lionflower is the surrogate father which is allowed since he won’t be raising the kits. Jayfire becomes a great fighter, and becomes really popular thtoughout the clans to his own dismay. He’s still a grumpy lil shit, just the way I love him.

Spark and Alder are still born, ofc, they have a more sibling esc relationship with the three since bramble and red don’t just drop their adoptive kits out of their family because they’re not theirs and that’s how family works. Alder becomes med not due to being a bit behind, but go geniunely getting into Medicine cat duties by being really close with Lionflower. Bramblestar encourages his sons choice because he’s gonna act like an actual fucking father and not an idiot please.

Holy shit this post is long. I’m not even done with the first and second arc what am I doing.

[aelinbitch-archive]

You've probably said this before but what's your favorite aspect of the TOG series? I've only read like ten pages of the first book lol

aaaaa thank u for asking!! this sort of leads into something i’ve been meaning to talk about for a while so i hope you’re prepared for An Essay No One Wanted By Me. anyway this is a two-part answer, read below:

1. Aelin. Celaena. The main bitch, whatever you wanna call her lol. Without her I probably wouldn’t have cared about the series at all and wouldn’t currently be trapped in ToG tumblr hell reluctantly stanning a racist and homophobic series, but unfortunately when I was like twelve years old or whatever and read the first book I literally imprinted on Celaena like a baby duckling. To the extent that she became, like, the default avatar for all my maladaptive daydreaming and If I Don’t Project On Her At All Times I Will Die. It’s not like she’s the only thing I like about the series (I loooove a lot of the other characters, especially the gals, and the writing can be really great and engaging and cinematic) but Aelin has always been the supermassive black hole at the center of it all for me. I wouldn’t know how to even begin untangling her character from my psyche at this point. It’s honestly a little disturbing. Anyway. 

2. Part two is a quality of the series that I feel was unprecedented in its strength in the first five books of the series (ToG-QoS plus the prequel novellas) and really really disappointingly weak in the last two books (EoS-KoA). Like I said above, Aelin has always been my main interest in tog so I read and enjoyed the last two anyway, but I definitely felt the loss of this - “this” being the detail and attention paid to all different types of relationships between characters, and how rich and unpredictable those relationships were as a result. 

That sounds like kind of a broad, vague thing, but what I mean is that (in my opinion) rarely are romances and friendships and rivalries explored with such nuance, complexity, drama, and realism in most YA as they are in ToG. I remember reading Cassandra Clare’s books (lmao.) as a pre teen and loving those as well, but totally being able to predict who was going to end up with who, and finding the character dynamics to be pretty cut and dry. 

In ToG that’s not the case at all. Like, you’ve got Celaena and Sam, a really complex example of enemies to lovers to….. Tragically Dead Boyfriend Whose Demise Fuels My Guilt and Self-Hatred For Seven More Books, Lysandra and Aelin, two girls pitted against each other by their abuser who team up a year later to unlearn their internalized misogyny and kill him, and Aelin and Chaol, who… how do I even describe the ups and downs (and downs. and more downs) of their relationship. 

And that’s just three pairs! Pull the names of two characters out of a hat and I can almost guarantee essays worth of material could be written about them. Arobynn and Aelin? Aelin and Nehemia? Chaol and Dorian, as much as I hate both of them and feel that their relationship as been widely mischaracterized? All fascinating!!! No two people in those first few books are just friends, or just lovers, or just enemies. It’s always more complex, there’s always a history or tension or competing agendas or viewpoints that Fuck Shit Up. 

And benefit of that is twofold: one, everything that happens between the characters just…. lands so well. The betrayals and triumphs and losses and victories of The Assassin’s Blade and Crown of Midnight and Queen of Shadows (especially TAB) are fucking heart-stopping. It’s great character-driven entertainment!! Gripping and engaging and vivid to the point of being painful. 

And two, there’s no way to predict where a relationship is going to go. Aelin and Lysandra teaming up in QoS instead of returning to their rivalry? Who would have thought! Ansel and Celaena’s summer fling (they were in love. fight me.) ending like That? Holy fuck. Nesryn and Chaol breaking up in ToD? Oh shit! I fell for it again! Rowan and Aelin ending up together after everyone swore they were brotp in HoF? Hell yeah! Chaolaena seeming like endgame and then ending forever, with Chaol and Aelin realizing that the rift between them that began in CoM was something that would never sufficiently heal? Unprecedented. Fucking badass for a YA book to curve everyone like that. Tween me was shook out of her mind. 

(Important to note, though, that the downside of this style was that SJM couldn’t tell where ~unpredictable relationships and characters~ ended and fridging began, and as a result, not one but two woc were killed off to make white characters sad and it sucked beyond belief). 

Aaaaaand then QoS, the peak of literature, turned into EoS, and SJM just… gave up on all of that. I remember the first time Dorian and Manon met, and I was like oh, okay. So they’re going to end up together. And I was right. I remember that on this site, before EoS came out, before Lorcan and Elide ever fucking MET, people predicted the existence of Elorcan!! And they were right!! Like how fucking boring? Everyone is just paired off into completely predictable heterosexual ships and those are now the only relationships we get to read about (with a few exceptions, like Aelin/Aedion, Aelin/Fenrys, etc.). 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: my least favorite thing about Manorian is not that I find the relationship to be shitty (although I do, I really do). It’s that Dorian is suddenly the only character Manon gets to interact with in any meaningful way. 

Like, are you kidding?! I want to read about Manon and Elide, Manon and Asterin, Rowan and Lorcan, Aelin and Lysandra, Aelin and Nesyrn, even if it’s not romantically (although some of them, like Manon and Elide, absolutely should have been, and the fact that not only was that ship very thoroughly sunk, but also they didn’t even get to TALK after QoS, felt like a real slap in the face to gay fans, but I digress), because those pairings previously had hella complexity and drama. But we don’t get to. 

And this trend that’s so painfully present in the last two books Sucks for two reasons: one, every relationship that isn’t romantic (which were previously some of the most interesting ones) is abandoned so that more time can be made for The Hets™ and two, the relationships that are romantic, now the only ones left, are totally fucking boring and predictable!! If two characters are interacting at any point (if one is male and the other is female, of course) then you know for a fact that they’re not only love interests, but endgame. 

And that makes me not care even when there is drama between them. Elide giving Lorcan the cold-shoulder for three hundred pages, and Manon and Dorian arguing, and Aedion being cruel to Lysandra weren’t compelling narratives to me like they should have been, because the whole time I was just thinking “but it doesn’t matter. I know it’s still endgame. There are no stakes here whatsoever; it’s a done deal.” Whereas Chaol and Celaena’s devestating breakup in CoM felt like (and was) suuuuper Real. An all-in bet on the wrong person. Crazy shit. 

And not that I think two characters should never have a happy ending together (I really like rowaelin and nestaq and I would have loved malide!) but imagine how much cooler and subversive and entertaining it would have been if Elorcan, which seemed soooo totally cute and endgamey and borderline like fanfiction throughout all of EoS just ended forever right there and then on the beach, with Elide turning to Lorcan and saying “I hope you spend the rest of your miserable, immortal life suffering. I hope you spend it alone. I hope you live with regret and guilt in your heart and never find a way to endure it” - and BAM. She never speaks to him again. He’s dead to her. 

I mean, talk about shock value! (See, Sarah, you can have shock value without killing of a person of color to make a white character sad 🙃). And I totally get that relational twists like that alienate fans more than just going the expected route and having them kiss and make-up does (I mean, the ending of Chaolaena in QoS certainly did, Jesus Christ) but I, Bella aelinbitch, personally live for that shit, and isn’t it only fair that all media cater directly and specifically to me? Lmao. But seriously, I do think it’s objectively more interesting, and that it keeps readers on their toes (I was on my ASS in EoS and KoA. Like. I was flat on my back sinking into the Earth). 

And there are still sort of… glimmers of the old way she wrote in the first few books, but it just feels like a tease rather than something that’s really explored and indulged in the way it was before, and it just ends up being more frustrating (like what was the point of Manon and Dorian not getting married at the end of KoA if I would bet my life savings that in World of Tog it’ll be confirmed that they’re either married or still together) and sometimes downright problematic? Like to return to a previous example, I think all the drama between Aedion + Lysandra was a result of Sarah’s previous (good) instincts to shake stuff up and complicate the character dynamics, but it backfires because when they end up together, it’s not ever… worked out? Or addressed? If you create really intense drama between two people, then that needs to show up in their relationship, no matter how happy they end up together. It doesn’t just disappear.

And despite the fact that her understanding of that concept (that shit between two people doesn’t just disappear like magic) is one of my absolute favorite things about the first few books, Sarah even went as far as to use the last two books to retcon some of the original complexity away, which makes me want to rip out my hair!! Like Aelin at the end of KoA just going “Love you Chaol and Love you Dorian xoxoxoxoxox best friends forever!!!” instead of having, like, any type of mixed feelings about the way these boys treated her? I mean, come on! 100 pages earlier Chaol was openly saying she should die instead of Dorian! Why is everything just peachy-keen instead of fraught with tension!! (I know why. I know. It’s because she introduced way too many characters/POVs/storylines as the series went on and didn’t know what to do with them all besides sideline the nonromantic ones and pair off everyone else boy-girl boy-girl down the line). Or if it has to be peachy-keen, why is the peachy-keeness never critically examined as, perhaps, a repressive mechanism for Aelin to avoid dealing with painful truths from her past? Now that would be interesting. 

(My ideal World of ToG would be just a transcript of the characters’ therapy sessions where Aelin realizes that her insistence that “Chaol and Dorian Are Her Friends!” is actually a way to keep herself safe emotionally and that she has plenty of reasons to hate them, and Lysandra realizes she should divorce Aedion lmao).  

Anyway tldr: The variety, complexity, depth, and unpredictability of the relationships in Throne of Glass was simultaneously the most realistic (sometimes relationships of all kinds fall apart or veer off in unexpected directions and love is temporary and the boy you met in the first chapter isn’t actually your soulmate and it doesn’t mean he’s a villain) and the most gripping and dramatic (I would have been totally chill if maeve and erawan weren’t a thing and tog was just like a medieval soap opera, that’s how entertaining the character dynamics were) thing about the series, and to lose that in the last two books because of Heterosexuality (and introducing too many POVs and not knowing what to do with them all)…. kinda devastating. 

This ended up being waaaaaay more complaining than it was talking about what I loved, but the only reason it bothers me so much is because it used to be so good!!! So just imagine the inverse of all the frustration I just vomited into this ask and you’ll have a good idea of how much I loved the series when things weren’t this way.