#She like clams up like 'emotions????? don't know her not going to talk about her fuck off'

[ew-selfish-art]

Dpx Dc AU: Ectoplasm is required for Ghosts to be visible to the human eye- And Danny creates his own ectoplasm.

Danny is visiting Jazz in Gotham and its weird how friendly everyone is. Like, the city gets a really bad rapport, everywhere he goes there is someone trying to strike up a conversation or answer his questions about getting around to the tourist spots. A few people even pointed out restaurants and ways to find off the beaten path gems! Jazz seems to role her eyes at him, but when he brings up her 'roommate' being kind of cute she flat out laughs.

Danny then comes to understand the Jazz doesn't have a roommate and that Ghosts in Gotham don't move far from their haunts- He's just been inadvertently turning these undead folks visible by accident of generating abnormal amounts of ectoplasm.

Which, is comforting in a way, he's never walking this dangerous city alone and really, most of the ghosts have been really friendly! They disappear once he's a few blocks away from them anyway.

---

Tim Drake is having a horrible day.

He'd been given intel that one of Black Mask's guys was going to snitch but that he'd died before given the opportunity to reach out to the GCPD. He tracks down the guy's last know whereabouts and yikes. Its next to the Theater. Tim was often grateful for his childhood obsessions, this time it backfired.

Tim and Bruce get into an argument about trust and respect and, worst of all, mental health. And even though Tim was vehemently against Batman accompanying Red Robin to the alleyway - that's exactly what happens.

They arrive and Bruce is closing up faster than a clam in the contaminated Gotham Bay- Clearly being in the Alley bothers him. No fucking shit. RR gets started on collecting evidence, there are a few extra blood splatters and a single left shoe... When a kid walks into the Alley.

"Uh, sorry to intrude-" The kid looks scared shitless, and runs away. And then, all of a sudden, Batman and Robin aren't alone in the Alley.

Tim can hardly believe his eyes as the dead man appears and quickly blabs Black Mask's bank passwords and what the plan had been- and While he's over joyed to have that closure, he turns around to Batman weeping in the arms of his parents.

The ghosts fade, and the emotions are certainly charged as this was never something Bruce or Tim would have ever dreamed of happening. Ghosts in Gotham. Talking, floating, granting closure.

"RR, Bats, come in." Oracle calls into their ears.

"Reporting in, but, uh, we need a minute."

"A minute? We have a case on 4th and-"

"O, we just saw the ghosts of the Waynes. It's going to be a minute."

"...Lots of Ghost reports lately then. Any chance you saw a kid looking like he could be adopted?"

"Yeah, actually, black hair and blue eyes. He was super polite before he ran away."

"We have work to do. Oracle, lets prioritize finding our person of interest and divert Nightwing and Robin to the case on 4th." Batman cut between them on the comms and he sounded... calmer than either of them anticipated.

---

Jazz is no longer laughing when Batman appears at her door explaining that he's looking for Danny (Who already flew away from town to get a good night's sleep before class on Monday). Turns out Danny reunited the man with his dead parents just briefly- and then the second guy appears and mentions how Danny had also given a guy who'd been murdered by a Mob enough time to explain the ongoing threats the city faced.

Jazz just rolls her eyes and says that it's not like the ghosts are going anywhere anytime soon and Danny will visit in another month. When pressed, she just explains that her brother is a weirdo. No of course he doesn't have powers. Gaslight and Girlbosses her way out.

And Jazz thinks that the game is up for at least another month, obviously when Danny visits more shit will stir up, but then this new guy appears.

Unlike the other Bats who are keen on watching her from a distance, the Red Hood knocks on her door. Are her eyebrows all the way into her hairline when Red Hood asks her to send his thanks along to Danny because somehow this whole situation led to his Dad expressing remorse for his actions and apologizing? Yes, yes they are.

But Jazz can smell Dissertation Data off of these vigilantes- Who is she to send them away? Jazz welcomes Red Hood into her place for a cup of tea and a small chat.

The story then devolves into Jazz getting shit done, Danny being cute by proximity and also bringing ghosts to the party, and the Bats having trauma resolve between them.

[starry-bi-sky]

Who is the more well-adjusted twin; Damian, or Danyal? Why, it's Damian, of course!

And I have an explanation for this! But first I wanna preface this that this is just me like, rambling about this thought I have and it's not an attack on the trope as a whole. I love the Danyal Al Ghul au which is why i'm so deeply passionate about it, because I think it has a lot of potential to be explored. It's no secret that I've mentioned before that I think Danny's psychological development tends to get overlooked and underutilized in DAG aus, and the impact that growing up in an assassin league often goes ignored. This is just me further expanding on that.

Now lets set the stage! This is specifically for Danny who is adopted by the Fentons later down in life. Lets go twin au. At 10 years old, Damian goes to the Wayne Family, Danny is adopted by the Fentons (regardless of their affiliation with the League). By 14 years old, who ends up the better adjusted, more socially aware, spiritually in-tune with themselves, sibling? Why, Damian is! Why is that?

Because he has the actual support he needs compared to Danny. And I'm not talking about good or bad parents Fentons, because either way my opinion doesn't change. Damian would end up the better off twin, because, frankly, his family knows his background. They know he grew up in the League, they know what the League's teachings are, and they know he's a born and raised assassin. Knowing this, they can then help tackle and dismantle the teachings and lessons he has been given and ingrained into by the League. They may be a dysfunctional family, but they're functional enough to at least actively help deprogram all of the League's teachings that have been ingrained in Damian throughout his childhood.

Can't say the same for Danny.

Lets say Fentons here don't know his background -- and even if they do, the results may just stay the same if they play their cards wrong, -- Danny's now just been thrown into the deep end of a pool and is essentially being told sink or swim. Regardless of how he got there -- undercover, faked death, etc -- he has no proper support. He knows the League is meant to be secret, he's not gonna speak on it for various reasons. Whether it be some still lingering loyalty, fear of harm, or whatever. Whatever the reason is, he does not have a proper support system in the Fentons, no matter how nice they are. They can only tackle the surface level stuff and whatever Danny allows them to see -- if Danny ever lets them see it at all. For what do assassins do when they don't want to be caught? They hide. Sometimes in plain sight.

"But Jazz--" Jazz is a child. She is 2 years older than Danyal and no better at giving him a proper support system than the two adult Fenton parents, even with parentification. We don't know when she got into psychology or how long she'd been studying it by the time Danny's 14. We just know she's really into it. Even then, Jazz is not a licensed or reliable therapist, or even an experienced or implied good therapist, and should not be used as one either. It's a disservice to her character to reduce her down to 'supporting female emotional crutch'. Besides, therapy only works on people who want to get better. Danny, who'd be hiding who he really is, has very little incentive to want to, or to even think something is wrong with his way of thinking, even with exposure to the outside world.

When people's beliefs are outright challenged, they tend to double down on them, and Jazz canonically has a habit of psychoanalyzing her family and declaring what she thinks is the problem -- regardless of whether or not she's right about it. Jazz would get into psychology, try and psychoanalyze Danny, and all it would do is cause him to clam up, shut into himself further, and throw up even more walls so that she can't figure out that he has been lying this whole time. It would do more harm than good, and would actively hinder any progress he'd make in trying to open up to them. Roads and good intentions and all that.

That being said, I think Danny's development and dismantling of the League's teachings would be slower than Damian's. Much slower. Because he would be the one having to pick apart everything and figure out what is right, what is wrong, what he wants to keep, and what he wants to toss. Everything he unlearns would be stuff he has to unlearn himself. If he even gets to that point at all -- depending on his experiences, he very well could not change at all, or change very little. The League acts as a purge for humanity, meant to reign in their hubris and retain balance, they just also happen to be assassins for hire. Danny's time spent in Amity Park could as well strengthen his belief in their teachings just as much as it could weaken it, especially if it goes as canon and he gets bullied.

Regardless, being tossed to a civilian family as someone who is very much not a civilian, without any support, would be actively detrimental to Danny's overall mental health and development. Especially to strangers like the Fentons. Damian was closed off and standoffish even with blood family, and it took him time to open up to them -- Danny, with the Fentons, would be even more so. He doesn't know them, he doesn't trust them, he has no rhyme or reason to open up to them, and since the Fentons don't actually know him, they can't help him the way he needs. Once "Danny Fenton" is made, he has even less reason to open up. So long as Danyal allows it, they will only ever know Danny, and they'll never know Danyal.

TL:DR the Fentons aren't the better family option just because they're civilians, and actually that makes them the worser option between the two because they can't give Danny the proper support he needs. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[kiame-sama]

Just started my period and everything hurts! How do you think each Dorm Leader (Or Dorm Leaders of your choice) would handle a Reader who started her period and suffers agonizing cramps, migraines, back pain, very tender breasts and sudden mood swings

I unluckily suffer from PMDD and become an emotional hurricane, but I always feel a little better whenever I read any of your older or newer works

Warnings; different dorm leaders and their different upbringings, menstrual cycle, yandere behavior, manipulative behavior, hints to a potential poly relationship with Rook reader and Vil, some platonic yandere behavior,

- Riddle is not sure how to broach this subject in the slightest. He may have had his mother, but that doesn't mean she communicated her cycle or educated him on it. He will look to Trey for help on the matter when a simple invitation to tea results in an unusually tearful response from you. Trey- being the older brother he is- will be first to offer comfort food before pulling a confused and slightly offended Riddle to the side. Riddle turns red from something other than anger as Trey gives the vaguest of explanations as to your current state.

- Riddle chooses to let Trey field most of the focus, trying to learn from his friend on how to best handle the situation. He becomes increasingly concerned as he learns about your back pain and migraines, deciding that he needs to learn what he can about your apparent condition. This will lead to a sleepless night of research and pestering Trey for information.

- Come the next day, Riddle is doing everything in his power to make you feel comfortable, going as far as to invite you to stay in his room in Heartslabyul while you are feeling so pained. Don't worry, he will sleep on the couch. He is a gentleman after all. Riddle insists. While you are in Heartslabyul he will pamper you to no end with sweets and good food. Whatever pain meds you need, he's getting them for you and he will hear no talk of repaying him.

- He needs this first time to go well so he can get you back time and time again into his care. He needs you to need him and he will do what he can to create that reliance on his care.

- Leona knows before you do. He has a superior sense of smell and will know your hormones are off long before the physical impact actually hits. You're going to wake up that first morning to Ruggie tiredly shoving things into your arms, saying something about Leona insisting he do it that moment. The next few days will be a lot of the same, from various gifts to comforts and essentials. Poor Ruggie isn't the only one who will be dragged into this either. Jack will be showing his face a few times as well with more things from Leona, embarrassed as he shoves the items into your arms and promptly flees.

- If you do see Leona any time during this, he speaks gently to you and will check in on you. He's not going to push if you don't want to tell him, but he will increase the gifts if he thinks you are suffering in any way. He will be pulling you from class to nap with him, using himself like a heating pad for you, and he will tolerate any anger or sorrow you throw at him with little more than vague frustration. He's trying to help you, herbivore, stop fighting him on this already.

- You eat like a king, Leona ensures it. There is no room to argue with him or insist you don't need/want his gifts. You're getting them regardless and you will keep getting them. No arguing or complaining will move him on this matter. It is common courtesy in the Sunset Savana to take care of the female aligned in the kingdom as needed, which also means in times of hormonal imbalance. He sees it as a basic politeness which is why he can't understand if you argue with him over it.

- If you get weepy he will clam up a bit, not used to handling these things gracefully. You'll be able to coerce him into cuddling you if you ask him while in this upset state. He'll be a little stiff until he relaxes into it, making it clear to you that he's not going to let you suffer without at least trying to help you.

- Floyd smells the blood on you first, confused and frustrated when you snap at him for what was meant to be a lighthearted comment about sharks in the water. Jade is more intrigued by your change in temper and attitude as you typically put up with Floyd better than most. These reports back to Azul are concerning and he decides to bribe the little monster you insist on keeping with you Grim with tuna for answers.

- What he is greeted with is a slew of information he isn't entirely sure he wanted, but it did give insight into you and your behavior. He keeps Jade and Floyd on your case to garner what information he can about your well-being as he studies up on this odd affliction you endure.

- Azul being Azul decides to write up a contract for you that looked like a god-send on the outside. From ensured pain-medication, to comfort food, all the way to taking notes in class for you, it is promised for every cycle you endure. Naturally, the fine print emphasizes a reliance on Azul during these times and an agreement to only come to Azul for help. Not to mention the 'Boyfriend clause' that extends the contract indefinitely if it's use exceeds six months, automatically granting Azul status as your boyfriend as added collateral for him due to the continuation of the contract.

- No, he won't be disclosing all of this outright, you should read your contracts better. He will be encouraging you to sign rather eagerly, already ready to be your Achilles heel if he needs to be. Just sign and make him the happiest cephalopod ever. Please. You need to sign.

- He is confused and worried all at once because throwing parties is not fixing your tears fast enough! How is he supposed to smile and laugh if you look like you're in pain like that? You are in pain? Why didn't you say so earlier?!

- Kalim is falling over himself trying to get you everything you could possibly need and then everything you don't possibly need on top of it all. He knows you're a bit dubious about staying in Scarabia, but he wants you close so he can make sure you feel okay! What kind of friend would he be if he left you laying in agony and so unwell?

- Jamil is already anticipating cooking meals for both you and Kalim during these times, wanting to also aid you in some regard. Where it is a duty to serve Kalim, Jamil is fond of you and what you have done for him as a person in his own right. He doesn't like the idea of Kalim getting all of the credit as per usual, but he knows you appreciate his care as well.

- Kalim tries very hard to help, but it will ultimately be Jamil who is of greater use to you. Still, Kalim hopes his attempts at making you smile somewhat cheered you up! So long as you are okay, he is happy.

- Oh, is that all? Vil has worked with others who have menstrual cycles quite a bit in the industry and some bad critics have likely called him a pmsing priss anyway. He gets that it is not a fun time and he will be much more understanding of times you have an ill temper with him. He will also be the graceful comfort for when you can't hold back tears anymore.

- You will be doing spa days with him and he will try to keep you hydrated during your cycle, providing pain meds as needed. He will be so kind as to put Rook on retrieval duty for whatever you need during this time (though Rook volunteered to do it in the first place).

- Spending it alone in worn down Ramshackle? I think not! Vil will absolutely be moving you into his room for the duration of your cycle and he will hear no complaints on the matter. You will be expected to participate in the nightly skincare routine with him and he will graciously share his products with you (and you are going back to Ramshackle with products as well). He will share the bed with you- don't misunderstand him, he will not be taking advantage of your state in that way- because it is his bed and he is being so gracious as to impress you with the life he can provide to you give you comfort in your time of need, why should he take lower quality when he can share?

- Rook will beg you to allow him to be your faithful servant at these times, enamored with the sight of Vil so happy with you and the beauty of the two of you together so domestically. If only he too could join in on the picturesque moment of domestic bliss you so flawlessly portray with beautiful Vil at your side. He will be more than a little eager to get anything you need him to retrieve. He is your faithful huntsman and you are his beloved trickster

- Oh shit, like IRL? Damn, well, the best Idia can offer is a stint in his room, taking classes virtually and having all the comforts he can possibly offer. You won't have to go anywhere, you can play games with him and binge sweets.

- You need a heating pad? He's already got it for you. You need some kind of massage? He wants to offer to do it but unless you ask, he won't have it in him to speak up about it. A fanboy can dream, right? Besides, a good several days with him, gaming and relaxing away from all that triggering ass social nonsense.

- He will not know how to handle tears and will completely panic, calling on Ortho to try and help. He has limited social grace but he will try to comfort you. Throw him a bone and tell him if you need him to just hold you or get you pain meds. Whatever you want, he will try to get for you as soon as he can, and if he can't get it, Ortho can.

- He hopes you'll let him crash on the bed with you, but he can get a cot too if you don't want a firey haired wierdo like him in the bed with you. If you do let him in the bed, he can't guarantee that he won't cuddle you (and he hopes his dakimakura of you stays hidden beneath the bed no matter what).

- Malleus is confused as to why his sweet child of man is in such disarray as of late. Surely he can aid you in some way? Perhaps even gain something from you in return for the gifts and boons he would grant you.

- Your pain is of great concern to him so he will be consulting Lilia on how best to treat your condition and soothe your unrest. Thankfully Lilia knows more about humans than Malleus and will be able to aid in your care. This caretaking will result in Lilia being more of a father figure to you because he can't help but enter that role when presented with a new charge to foster. Malleus is content to aid Lilia and learn from the elder Fae.

- Malleus intends to take over the care at some point, but he will have to fight Lilia for that right as Lilia becomes more than a little parental over time. Still, he will do what he can and use his magic as he sees fit to soothe you and give you peace.

- Lilia ensures this is not a one time thing as he will arrive right on schedule with your cycle next month to pick right back up where he began. Having already retrieved things to aid in your care. Malleus will be frustrated Lilia beat him to the task of caretaking, but he will resign himself to a partial caretaker for Lilia's sake. He is indulgent of the elder Fae and who would he be to tell Lilia to not care for his beloved child of man?

[allisluv]

Finnick reacting to someone slutshaming reader in front of him🤭🤭 (it could be both about about clothes or body count)

-🎸

safe and sound

pairing: finnick o’dair x fem!reader

content warnings: slut shaming, finnick being protective, not edited, suggestive themes

word count: 726

"Here you go, honey," Finnick slides up beside you and hands you a glass of red wine. His hand lands on your lower back and he smooths his fingers over the bare skin that the slit in your dress exposes.

"Thanks," you murmur, pressing a chase kiss to his cheek. Red lipstick smudges onto his face and you lick your thumb, trying to rub it off his sun-kissed skin. Finnick smiles into his flask of champagne and you drop your hands to your hips. "What?"

"Nothing," Finnick mutters, pulling you snug into his side. "I just think you're cute, that's all, baby." He rests his chin on top of your head and leads you over to the food tables that are scattered strategically around the outskirts of the room.

You fall into step with your boyfriend, and he grabs your free hand with his own. He sets his drink down on the table, grabs two paper plates from the stack, and starts piling them high with an array of finger food.

You can feel a pair of eyes watching you, and when you angle your head to the side, you catch sight of two Capitol women staring you down. You shift uncomfortably and offer them a tight-lipped smile that freezes on your face when they start to whisper, making no effort to keep their voices quiet.

"Look at what she's wearing," one of them announces. "She looks like a slut. I bet she'd sleep with anything that has a pulse."

"I don't know how Finnick puts up with having her as a girlfriend," the second say through a laugh. "I mean, he has people queuing up around the block to go out with him and he settles for some... some, what? A common whore?"

The words feel like a slap to the face and suddenly, your dress feels far too revealing for your liking.

Finnick's always been in tune with your emotions, and as if he can sense you clamming up, he abandons his drink and food at the table. "What's wrong, honey?" he murmurs, intertwining his fingers with your own.

"See?" A loud, shrill voice cuts through the air. "She'd jump his bones without caring who's watching. What a tramp."

You can almost see Finnick brimming with anger and you grab hold of his suit-jacket, trying to pull him back and stop him from doing something he regrets, but he's far too strong for his own good.

"Finnick, leave it, please," you beg, tears brimming on your waterline. "It's fine, it doesn't matter."

"It does matter," Finnick insists, breaking free of your hold and charging towards the two women like a man on a mission. The two Capitolites wear smug smiles as he makes a beeline for them. "Hey!"

"Looks like someone finally came to their senses," one of them says.

"I beg your pardon?" Finnick clenches his jaw.

"I mean, you could have your pick of the litter. It's about time you open your eyes and see that you need someone more... classy."

"I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman alive," Finnick sneers. You slap a hand over your mouth, stifling a laugh. "And if I hear you talking about my girlfriend like that again, you won't have to worry about sticking around that long, 'cause I'll kill you myself."

"You can't talk to me like that!" she scowls, face as white as printer paper.

"I just did," Finnick grabs you by the hand and leads you through the crowd that have formed to watch the infamous Finnick O'Dair rip a poor woman to shreds. He can see the headlines already, but he has tunnel vision when it comes to you, and he doesn't stop moving until the two of you are safe and sound in the hallway, where the dance music is muffled. "Are you okay?" He reaches up and cups your cheeks in his hands.

"I think that may have been the hottest thing I've ever seen," you blurt out honestly.

Finnick grins. "Hm, is that so?" His hands slide down to grip your hips and he leans forward, lips brushing the shell of your ear. "Why don't you let me show you how hot I think you are?" You tilt your head to the side, a smile playing on your lips. "I like the sound of that."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my friend to stop saying 'me too' whenever I'm talking about my problems?

My friend is someone I'm relatively close with and I know has anxiety that she struggles with, so I'm not saying she doesn't understand pain or issues. But every time I muster the courage to mention the trust issues that I have because my mom passed away when I was 10 and I just have this permanent fear of losing everyone, she's just like 'I know right, like I literally don't trust anyone. It's like a problem' And then proceeds to spill her guts to me for like an hour. Which is perfectly fine, I'm glad she trusts me, but she also does this whenever I'm talking about how I don't like to talk about my own emotions. Another trauma response honestly, since the last thing my parents needed when I was a kid was my stupid emotions and none of the other 2nd graders wanted hear about my dying mom so I learned not to talk about it. But she just treats it almost as a joke, an offhand remark about how much her life sucks. Like she talks about how she never sleeps and science homework is the worst thing in the world. I don't want to sound like I feel superior, but I feel like our world views are just different. It's rare that things bother me, since I feel like I just understand that there are more important things, and the way she compares her important things to mine just feels unnecessary. And all this really rubs me the wrong way. I find it very hard to be anyone but myself, and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I also can't go on just pretending her actions don't bother me and make me clam up even more. So would I be the asshole if I tried to bring up my concerns with her?

(Btw, I only brought up the personal reasons behind my issues to give more context as to why I felt offended she was acting like our situations were one in the same, not to try and get you to pity me or anything. Please don't take that into account. I just know she talks to me about almost everything in her life, and none of it truly seems like it would cause many of the issues she claims to have but never really showcases. She could still have these issues, obviously, but she just really doesn't seem to and never brings it up unless I do first and then cuts me off to mention herself)

[tangledinink]

New chapter of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is up! The Hamatos are finally back home, but things still don't feel quite normal. Eventually, emotions, tension, and conflict come to a head. Leo dies in a glue trap. Sexy pigeons will be discussed. Read it on ao3 or below the cut!

[ prev ]

They had been back home for twelve days now. And every day that they had been home, they waited for their dad to explain things to them. At first, they were patient. Then they prodded gently. Then they asked. Then they demanded. But every time, there was no real answer.

I mean, he did answer, technically, every time, but not… really. He’d always sort of freeze up and get this far-off look in his eyes and nervously pick around the topic, explaining but not actually explaining at all, and then at the end of it all they’d discover that none of their questions had been answered. They’d ask him to tell them about the Hamato destiny, and he’d tell them that he had ceased contact with the Hamato Clan a long time ago. They’d ask him why he wore a bracelet, and he’d tell them that the existence of yokai was meant to be kept a secret. They’d ask him about the deal with Big Mama and his relationship with her, and he’d clam up and tell them that they had known each other a very long time and it was difficult to talk about. In the end, they’d always only be told things they already knew. And Leo got that it was hard and that he was stressed, and he understood-- he did. But didn’t they deserve to know at this point?

Mikey, of course, was the most patient with him. But, to his surprise, Raph was by far the least.

“Pops. We gotta talk about this.”

“Red, now is not a good time…”

“That’s the fifth time you’ve said that, Dad! When is a good time?! You can’t just keep doing this!”

“Raphael, please…”

“No, Dad! This isn’t fair! We need to talk about this! You can’t keep just dodging all of this, we deserve to know--”

This was their third day going back to school now, slowly attempting to get back into the swing of ‘normal,’ and Raph and their father had had this conversation every morning over breakfast since they started. And it wasn’t like Leo wasn’t on Raph’s side or anything-- he was. And typically, he’d be right in there with him, getting on their dad’s case and making an argument, but, lately, he was just…

Exhausted.

He shoveled mouthfuls of cereal into his mouth, scowling slightly and slumping over the table as he listened to his dad and his oldest brother do their usual back-and-forth, with Mikey occasionally jumping to play referee. He found it annoyingly ironic how much their morning routine had changed, and yet, at the same time, stayed the same. It was still chaotic and loud, with voices overlapping over each other, and a slight air of frenzy overlaid over everything… but for entirely different reasons now. 

Thank god that April still showed up every morning. Though with a bit less mojo than she usually did.

“Oh, look, April is here,” Leo announced loudly as soon as she slipped her way into the apartment, getting up to his feet with a purposefully dramatic scrape of his chair against the floor. “We should probably get going, or else we’re gonna be late, or whatever. You guys ready?”

The conversation stuttered for a minute before Raph huffed, getting to his feet as well. The rest of his brothers followed suit, with everyone beginning to clean up and gather their things so they could make their leave. Leo grabbed his backpack off the back of his chair, pausing for just a moment to double-check its contents and wrinkling up his nose.

“Hang on. I need my laptop. You guys go ahead, I’ll catch up,” Leo muttered, getting a chorus of vague acknowledgments in return as he looped his way out of the kitchen, jogging up the stairs. 

Right, laptop, laptop-- exactly where he had stupidly left it the night before, charging on his desk, rather than in his backpack like it was supposed to be. He yanked the charging cord out so he could tuck it into his bag, rushing slightly, not wanting to get left behind, and the whole trip wouldn’t have taken more than thirty seconds, tops, if he hadn’t made a critical mistake.

Looking slightly to the left and catching his own eyes in the mirror.

His hurried steps immediately ground to a halt. It felt like getting caught in a glue trap, and he just… stopped. A little voice in his head told him that he was in a hurry, remember? But the voice was ignored.

He stopped and stayed, and examined his reflection. 

Even as he was doing it, he felt stupid. But he did it anyway-- very slowly swaying from one side to the other. Turning himself to the right, and then to the left, his gaze roaming up and down himself. Taking silent inventory. Making quiet critiques. 

He hated this new habit he had formed. He hated hating himself. He had never hated himself before. Even when things had been awful and frustrating, he had never hated before.

He couldn’t even understand why things had changed like this. Just because it wasn’t real? Because it had been worse two weeks ago? Because he wasn’t sure what the future would look like anymore?

He had had better reasons to hate himself before now.

[ April: leo youve been typing at me for ten minutes now.

April: whatever it is just tell me already ]

Leo whined loudly, laying his head back down flat on the cold tile floor, burying his face in his hands. Okay. This was it. The worst moment of his life. Literally the epitome of misery and humiliation. His life would never get worse than this! He had peaked at twelve-- could you believe it? That had to be a new record. He would call the Guinness people if the circumstances were different, and it wouldn’t just immediately make his head explode from mortification.

He stayed just like that, laying flat on his back in the bathroom, his phone providing a steady weight on his sternum as he considered the cruel joke that was his life for just a bit longer. It took about three more minutes before he finally got up the nerve to text her back.

[ Leo: ok look

Leo: i need ur help

Leo: but if you tell anyone else abt it ever then ill immediately die and also kill you. got it?

April: i know youre not threatening me right now leonardo

Leo: OK SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM

Leo: PLZ?????

April: fine. what??? ]

Leo groaned loudly, pressing his phone up against his forehead, and, for the millionth time, considered just figuring this out on his own somehow. But he had been attempting that for a while now, and it was not going near as well as he had hoped. There was a decent chance that these jeans were beyond saving.

[ Leo: can you bring me pads or tampons or whatever the fuck. please. ]

April’s response was near immediate.

[ April: omw. are you home? 

Leo: yeah. 3rd floor bathroom.

April: ill be there in like five minutes. ]

Leo sighed softly, rolling over onto his front to shove his face against the floor. He had a hard time feeling any sense of accomplishment because this just meant that April was gonna show up. This sucked. This wasn’t fair. Why did he have to deal with this? 

He marinated in his misery until he eventually heard a very soft knock on the door. He willed the universe to end his life but was ignored, so he kind of mumbled gibberish in response, and after a moment, April poked her head in. She scoffed at the sight of him, rolling her eyes as she slipped her way into the room, closing the door behind her.

“Leo, why are you on the floor?”

“Because my life sucks,” he grumbled in response, not picking up his head.

“Dude, you’re gonna be fine,” she sighed, kneeling down next to him and slinging her backpack off. “Look, I’ve got you! I just kind of grabbed some of everything ‘cause I wasn’t really sure what you needed? Do you guys not have anything in the house?”

“I don’t know!” He sighed. “I mean. Maybe? I think there’s some emergency stuff tucked away, like… somewhere. But I don’t know where. And there’s no way I’m asking Dad!” He hissed. “... This is so unfair. The people at the clinic said I wasn’t gonna have one!”

April frowned. “Are the blockers not working…? Leo, if something is wrong, then we gotta tell someone--”

“Nooooo,” Leo groaned, picking his head up just enough to scowl, his face scrunched up. “Technically,  they said that… I probably wasn’t gonna have any. But that I might have… like… one, ish, before the blockers kicked in all the way.” 

He whined softly, letting his head drop back down.

“... I was just really hoping that I wouldn’t. This sucks. I think I’m dying from blood loss, by the way. How much blood can you lose before you die? I think I’m approaching whatever that limit is!”

April scoffed as she settled down to sit next to him, leaning over so she could rub his shoulders a few times.

“Well, then, you just gotta do this once! And then you’re all done! That’s not too bad of a deal! I’ve gotta deal with it all the time.” 

“Yeah, but you’re a girl!”

April sighed deeply.

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “But there are guys who deal with periods all the time, too! You’ll be okay. You just gotta get over this hump and you’re home free.”

“This is so unfair,” Leo grumbled bitterly.

“I know,” April relented.

“I hate this.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I’m gonna lay here and wait until I die.”

“No you’re not.”

“It hurts.”

“Well, here. I brought you some Midol. And I can go make you some tea, too, if you want. That usually helps.”

“... Okay.”

“Alright,” April sighed, getting back to her feet, leaving the backpack behind. “I’ll go grab some new clothes for you and start the tea. I’ll be back in, like, five minutes, okay? Don’t die on the floor while I’m gone.”

“No promises...”

“Seriously, Leo,” she sighed, her hands on her hips. “Chill. I know this, like, super sucks. And it’s not fun. You’re allowed to hate it. But you’re gonna be fine, okay? I promise.”

He had been alright, actually. It had sucked, but then after a few days, it was over, and it hadn’t happened again since. And he had hated every minute of it.

But even then, he hadn’t hated himself. It wasn’t like this.

 Distantly, he heard Raph yelling for him from downstairs. Frowning, he spared a final glance at his own self in the mirror before he shoved his laptop into his bag and left the room.

---

That first day they had been back after everyone went back to their rooms and pretended to be able to fall asleep, their dad had eventually tempted them all out with breakfast. And once they had eaten, Dad migrated to the living room, putting on a movie, and they had all followed after him. Usually, Dad always sat in his easy chair-- an old, but beloved and reliable pillar of the home, the fabric worn away from years of use. But that day, he hadn’t.

He had sat on the couch. And Mikey had sat on the couch, too, tucking himself up against his side and laying his head down against his shoulder, and their dad had wrapped his arm around him. Leo had ended up on his other side, likewise held close by their father’s arms, and then Raph had piled in, too, and even Donnie joined them, all five of them squished onto the couch together, not really watching the movie playing on the TV, but really just… taking comfort in each other’s presence. Allowing themselves to feel that, yes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they all had made it. Everyone was here and accounted for. They had made it back home. Everyone who was supposed to be here was.

After several days of hounding their father for answers and receiving no reply, however, Raph had stopped joining them on the couch. Leo stopped a bit after that, too, and then so did Donnie, until it was just Mikey and his dad, curled up in silence in the living room each day, watching old Lou Jitsu films play, the soundtrack filling the space with white noise.

“Dad,” Mikey had said one day while the credits rolled, his voice soft, just barely above a whisper. “You have to talk to us. We can’t… we can’t just keep pretending like things didn’t happen.”

“I know,” their father had sighed, his voice drooping with exhaustion. “We… will. I just… I am trying…”

“Okay,” Mikey had replied, and they hadn’t said anything after that.

That had been almost four days ago. And Mikey was still waiting. 

He knew his brothers were having a harder time, though. He couldn’t blame them, either. That was the worst part.

“Raph, we need to be patient with him. He’s really trying…!”

“We’ve been patient!” Raph hissed. “We’ve been patient our entire lives! How much longer do we gotta be patient with him? Mikey, come on! This isn’t okay! I mean, he could have-- Leo could have--” his protests died out, and he grit his teeth, turning to glare out the subway window instead. “We can only wait so long, Mikey. You gotta be reasonable.”

“I know, but…”

“It’s like nothing has changed,” Leo muttered, his lips curved into a frown.

“That’s not true!” Mikey insisted. “He wants to tell us! He does! I just think this is really hard for him, okay?”

“And it’s not hard for us!?” Raph huffed.

“Look, I know that it didn’t exactly go that well last time, but… maybe if you guys talk to him together?” April suggested weakly, gesturing to the group, looking hopefully between them all. “Like, if you sat him down, and all of you tried to talk to him… I mean, like, everyone this time…”

April didn’t even touch Donnie, but as soon as she so much as turned towards him, he pulled away sharply, curling his lips and signing very definitively ‘NO TOUCH.’

“Okay! Okay, that’s fine, I wasn’t--”

‘NO TOUCH.’

“I got it, Dee, chill! I’m not gonna touch you!” April huffed. Donnie all but glared at her, absolutely bristling, before he curled back up on himself, staring out the window again. April glowered, rolling her eyes as she slumped down in her own seat, arms crossed over her chest.

Mikey frowned a bit. Okay… Note to self. Check on that later.

“If we corner him, it’s just gonna freak him out more,” Mikey insisted. “And us arguing with him every morning isn’t helping! If we wanna sit down and talk with him, we have to be cool about it. Can you guys please just let me lead on this?”

“Mikey, it’s not your job--”

“It’s not your job, either!” Mikey immediately snapped. “I can handle this, okay? And you guys are just making it worse! Can you please just trust me, for once, and let me handle something on my own instead of trying to take over!?”

There was a long beat of silence, and Mikey winced a bit. Ooh, had he said all of that out loud?...

“I just… I think I can do this better on my own,” he said after a moment, forcing his voice down into something more level, more calm. There had to be something he was capable of doing on his own-- something helpful. Anything. Surely this was it? “I really can. Please?”

Raph frowned. And he sighed very softly.

“Okay. Fine. Whatever you say, Mikey.”

---

It had only been, like… two weeks. Just two weeks away from his locker, his own damn locker. That was hardly any time at all. He had been doing this multiple times a day for two semesters now. Even just two weeks ago, with everything he had going on, he knew the combination right off the top of his head, no problem. Yesterday, even, he had known the combination.

And now his mind was completely blank. 

Raph hissed in frustration, spinning the lock around for the fifth time, resetting the damn thing so he could try again. Okay, so, it was 12-18, and then… What? 03? Was that right? That felt out of order. How could he not remember this? It was just three numbers. It was his locker combination, for god’s sake, he couldn’t have just forgotten.

He yanked at the lock, and it didn’t give. He groaned, his head falling forward to smack against the cold metal surface with a solid thud.

“... You good?” April questioned from his left, leaning over slightly to give him a curious look.

“Leo and Donnie were right,” he grumbled, his face set in an absolute scowl. April paused, raising a brow slightly.

“Right about what?”

“I beefed it.” 

“Raph, I’m gonna need you to elaborate a little.”

“With Dad!” He hissed, pulling back, lifting his head from the locker just so that he could scrub his palms over his eyes angrily. “When we talked, that time, on the train-- I knew somethin’ was wrong! I knew that there was somethin’ goin’ on, and I just… I just let him not tell us! I just let him keep his damn secrets and deal with everything on his own instead of steppin’ up! I choked!” 

“Raph, come on, that’s not--”

“Yeah, it is!” He insisted angrily. “If I had done somethin’ then, if I had actually pushed and gotten him to talk to us, maybe none of this would have happened in the first place! I knew there was somethin’ wrong, and I just ignored it and let it go instead of mannin’ up and dealin’ with it head on, and now everyone is completely miserable, and I can’t figure out how to fix any of it, now everythin’ is just-- it’s all completely--”

“Raph!” April hissed, cutting him off. “Dude, stop it. You’re spiraling.”

Raph bristled, turning to scowl at her, thinking about arguing for a moment. But eventually, he just grumbled, looking back down at his feet and stiffening slightly. 

“So what if I am?”

“You and I both know that if you pushed Yoshi then, he just would have pushed you back. I mean, jesus, dude, we were all literally held hostage by a spider, and he still doesn’t wanna talk to you guys! You think if you had just played your cards a little differently during one conversation, things would have actually changed?”

Raph frowned, shrugging a bit. “They might have,” he finally said. “At least then I would have tried.”

Maybe if he had pushed then, at least now, he wouldn’t have to see his baby brother plummeting through the air every time he closed his eyes.

“Raph, you did try! You all tried! You’re still trying! But it doesn’t all fall on you, okay? I mean-- you’re sixteen, for god’s sake!” April hissed, her voice cracking slightly, this small, unspoken pressure pushing up the edge of it-- wobbling in such a way that had Raph’s head picking up, his brows furrowing. “You can’t be expected to deal with all of this! I mean, this is all-- this is all-- a lot, and, and a lot happened, and things could have gone really badly, and everyone is scared, including your dad, and us, and--”

“Okay. Okay, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, idiot! Just-- just stop blaming yourself--”

“April.”

“This is all--”

“Hey. April.”

She didn’t respond right away, hunching her shoulders and gritting her teeth. He could see her jaw tense from here.

“You’re spiralin’,” he said, but she didn’t laugh the way he was hoping she might. Well, it had been a long shot. He sighed a little bit, leaning over slightly, his eyes roaming over her face while she glared off to the side.

“Apes, are you… okay?”

---

[ Raph: sound off

Mikey: yo

Leo: wut

Donnie: Present.

Raph: me and april are over in the north stairwell on the second floor. forget classes. let’s get outta here

Leo: im sorry are u telling us to skip class rn

Raph: yes

Leo: who are u and what have u done with our brother

Raph: cut the sass or we’re never doin this again

Mikey: okay!!! :D 

Donnie: Why are we skipping class, praytell?

Raph: we’re gettin manicures

Mikey: OHMIGOSH YES

Donnie: I would like to request we go to the establishment on 83rd.

Leo: dude duh thats where we always go

Raph: were goin to the place you like dont worry

Leo: say no more, omw ]

---

“What color are you gettin’?”

“Blue,” Leo hummed.

Raph had honestly been a little bit worried it would be difficult to get them out of the school and make it over here without any trouble, given how recently they had pulled almost the exact same move (he was pretty sure the only reason they hadn’t gotten in massive trouble was because, you know, their whole situation,) but it had been just as easy as the first time. Damn, maybe their school needed better security. 

Once he had gathered up all of their siblings, they made a beeline for their preferred nail salon. They had all been coming here since they were still new in the city. It was comforting. Familiar. Not much had changed over the years, with the same dim neon advertising out front and the same worn, padded chairs and tables inside, the same wall of nail polishes on display by the front for them all to peruse at their leisure.

Even just the air of this place held comfort, oddly enough. 

“Of course you are,” Raph chuckled.

“That’s his life color,” Mikey chirped, and that made Raph smile a tiny bit.

“Yeah, Raph. It’s my life color,” Leo said, turning just enough to give Raph this absolutely shit-eating grin, to which Raph rolled his eyes in response.

“You always get blue!”

“Yeah, and you always get red.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Red or black.”

“I look good in red!” Raph defended.

“And I look good in blue!” Leo said, shooting him a look and a cocky sort of smile. But there was something about it that kind of made Raph squint a little. There was just sort of this corner of his eyes where the smile didn’t quite touch, like a shadow, almost--

“What about you, April?” Mikey questioned, turning to glance at their sister with a curious look. She hesitated for a second, looking sort of thoughtful.

“What’s my life color again?”

“Green,” Mikey reported proudly, absolutely beaming at the question, more than a little excited at the chance to share. Raph quietly thought that he’d have to make a point to ask more about it later, just so he could get that look on his face again.

“What kind?”

“Like, uh…” Mikey paused a moment, examining the wall of nail polish bottles, looking from the selection to April and back again a few times before he settled on a bright shade of chartreuse that reminded Raph of new spring leaves. “Like this!”

“I’ll go with this, then,” she said, smiling the tiniest bit as she took the little bottle in her hands. Raph thought to himself that she still looked… tired. But a lot less spiral-y than before.

He felt less spiral-y, too. 

“This way we’ll all match,” she explained. “We’ll all have life color fingers.”

“You gettin’ purple, Donnie?” Raph questioned, leaning over slightly to glance at his brother, who stood off to the side. The question was really just a formality. He knew Donnie would get purple. He always got purple, and, just as expected, Donnie nodded, holding up a little bottle of vibrant violet varnish in reply. 

They always went to this place on the rare occasion that they did this because this place didn’t mind if Donnie just used their supplies and did their own nails instead of being touched by any of the nail techs. Whatever made his little brother happy-- Raph didn’t mind.

So long as they were all happy.

And safe.

He clenched his jaw for a moment, glancing over at Leo from the corner of his eyes, where he was debating between a neon cyan and a glittery cerulean with April and Mikey, trying to gather votes as he weighed the pros and cons.

So long as he was safe.

“Leo, didn’t you get the glittery one last time we came here?”

“You remember that?” He muttered, not even looking up. “I mean, yeah, probably, but Mikey said it matches my life colors…”

“Of course, I remember!” Raph scoffed, leaning over slightly to look. “... Well, the glitter is very you.” 

“Is it?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause you’re, like… you know! Sparkly!” Mikey teased, grinning a bit, nudging the other, and Leo laughed, but in this way that felt ever-so-slightly left of normal, hip-checking Mikey in return before placing the two bottles back on the shelf. 

“Well, if I got that one last time, I should probably get something different,” he said, picking through the selections for a moment before settling on a more understated navy. Raph didn’t think he had ever seen Leo pick out a color so dark before.

“That one?”

“Yeah. It’s classy,” Leo insisted. “You know. Elegant and all that.”

“Psh. Who needs class when you can have razzmatazz?!” Mikey argued, gesturing to the absolute collection of bottles he had bundled up in his arms, ranging from neon magenta to metallic orange. “Variety is the spice of life, baby!” He did this every time.

“You’re lucky all the nail techs always like you,” April remarked with a scoff.

“For some reason,” Leo added.

“Remember that time he tried to do a cartwheel and he nearly knocked over the entire acrylic display?” April laughed. Mikey flushed.

“That was one time!” He argued. “And I was only ten! Plus, nothing got broken!”

“Nothin’ got broken?” Raph echoed.

“Well, not many things!”

“Aw, come on, guys, he felt bad!” Leo defended, even though he was smirking, slinging an arm over his baby brother. “And it was an accident! It wasn’t as bad as the first time we came here--”

“Hey--”

“-- and Raph drank one of the nail polishes.”

April cackled.

“He what!? How have I never heard this before!”

“It was our first time! I was only, like, six!” He cried. “It was bright red! Like candy! I thought it would taste good!”

“So you drank the entire thing!?”

“Everyone freaked out,” Leo laughed. “We had to call poison control.”

“I was fine.”

“And that was our first time here,” Leo clucked his tongue. “What an impression we made… Remember?”

“Dad was so embarrassed,” Mikey giggled. “He had made it this whole thing, too, us ‘going out’ in the city and having a family day to see all the things in New York.”

“And we went up to the zoo beforehand, right? And then Mikey got lost when we were looking at the cheetahs, and Dad was freaking out because that place was packed and we couldn’t find him anywhere,” Leo remarked.

Raph scoffed loudly. “I remember! It was so busy, no one even realized he was lost or anything! Everyone just assumed he was with someone else,” Raph sighed deeply, shaking his head. “Mikey always wandered off, and then he never freaked out when he got lost. At least when Donnie wandered off and got lost he’d cry about it so someone would notice and help,” he tsked. “Mikey would have gone ‘round that whole zoo by himself for the entire day and not even cared,” Raph said, and Mikey snorted.

“I don’t remember that!”

“I do!” Raph huffed. “No one even realized you were some sad little lost kid ‘til you tripped and fell down eventually and started cryin’. And then that finally clued some people in and they found one ‘a the employees to help you out, and that’s how we found ya’. And I remember when we finally did go and get you, they gave you this little flower clip from one of the gift shops for your hair to make you stop cryin’ and you were happy as a clam! You didn’t even care you had been lost, you were just happy you got a flower. And Donnie and Leo were so jealous. Dad had to buy us all hair clips before we could go home because you guys carried on so much.”

“Okay, that I remember,” Leo snickered. “I think we still have those. Or I have mine, at least, somewhere in my room… And we went to get lunch at that one place up in Manhattan after that, didn’t we?”

“Yeah. Uhhh… Rakken Ramen!” Mikey said, his eyes lighting up with the memory. “I remember because Leo kept making puns about rock-and-roll and stuff.”

“And we had edamame for the first time. And mochi,” Leo hummed.

“That place was so good,” Mikey sighed deeply. “We haven’t been there in forever… we should go back…”

“We should,” Leo agreed. “And maybe this time Raph won’t eat anything that’s not food.” 

“You kinda had a habit for a while, huh?” April remarked with a grin, giving the other a look. Raph scoffed.

“Right, like I was the only one. We all put shit in our mouths.”

“Yeah, but you were the worst,” Leo challenged.

“You’re still the worst,” April laughed.

“I am not!” He protested. “If anything, Mikey’s the worst. Remember that time he swallowed a penny?”

“Lots of kids swallow pennies!” Mikey whined. “It’s common!”

“Five different times, Angelo!? Why did you keep eatin’ pennies?!”

“I dunno! They looked good!”

“Y’all are menaces,” April laughed softly, shaking her head. “Can’t take you anywhere…”

“Okay, but what about the time at the craft fair when April--”

“Not another word, Leonardo!”

---

“DONNIE!”

Leo rarely actually knocked and waited for his twin brother to allow him access to his room, instead just preferring to throw himself through the door with wild abandon and panache for extra dramatic entrances. He definitely wasn’t gonna knock and wait today. Donnie looked up from whatever he was working on at his desk, huffing loudly and rolling his eyes.

“Leo, I said to--”

“Guess what!!!” Leo did not have time to listen to Donnie’s lecture about ‘privacy’ and ‘boundaries’ and ‘basic manners’ right now. He was way too excited. Donnie sighed, his brows furrowed as he glared at the other.

“... What?”

Leo paused, looking his brother up and down, and then scowled, placing his hands on his hips.

“Well, if I tell you, are you going to be actually excited?”

“What?”

“I’m not gonna tell you if you’re just gonna be all…” He gestured to the other. “Donnie about it. It’s really cool. So you’ve gotta be excited. Got it?”

Donnie blinked slowly, staring his twin down with an unamused expression.

“Yes, dear brother. I promise to express sincere joy and excitement at whatever news you’re about to impart upon me,” he deadpanned, glaring at the other all the while.

“Okay okay okay,” Leo backed up a bit in order to pose. “Me and Dad just talked. And he said!... That I can start taking puberty blockers!”

Donnie blinked in surprise.

“Oh. That actually is cool. Like… genuinely. Congrats, Nardo”

“I KNOW!!! I’m so excited!” Leo cried, moving to flop down on his brother’s bed in sheer delight, kicking his legs. “This is so freaking cool! Eat it, puberty! Good luck ruining my life now!!! I’m not gonna have to do any of that stupid nasty girl stuff!!!”

Donnie frowned just the tiniest bit, rolling his eyes.

“What’s wrong with girls?”

“Nothing! But their girl stuff is gross,” Leo responded with a huff.

“No, it’s not.”

“It is too. We went to the same health class. I know you think that stuff was nasty!”

Donnie visibly shivered, but huffed a bit, holding his ground.

“I dunno,” Donnie mumbled, shrugging a tiny bit, his eyes still glued on his phone. “Being a girl doesn’t seem that bad.”

“What?!” Leo scoffed loudly, sitting up to give his twin an incredulous work. “Yeah, it does! Being a girl is the worst!”

“Well, how would you know?” Donnie challenged. “You’re not a girl.”

Leo opened his mouth and then closed it again. Huh. He supposed he had a point.

“Yeah… Well. You’re not a girl either,” Leo huffed in rebuttal.

When Donnie didn’t respond right away, and Leo paused, his brows knitted together. Oh, hey. Wait a minute. He narrowed his eyes.

“... Why?” He pressed, leaning forward a bit, trying to get a glance of his twin’s face, though they remained firmly facing away from him. “... Do you wanna be?”

“No!” Donnie scowled, and then hesitated, leaning their head back. “No. Not… really.”

“What does that mean?”

“What?”

“Not really. That’s not the same as not wanting to be a girl.”

“Well. I don’t--”

“If you wanna be a girl you can just be a girl.”

“I don’t want to be a girl!”

“Then what’s the issue, dude?”

“I don’t wanna be a girl… all the time. Just. Kind of. Some of the time? Ugh. Nevermind. This is stupid--”

“Well, just do that, then,” Leo said. “Just do the some of the time. What’s stopping you?”

Donnie paused for a moment, frowning a bit and sort of examining his feet.

“I don’t know,” he finally admitted.

“Well, then, we should just do it,” Leo announced, crossing his legs. “If you don’t like it, we can just stop and go back. It’s easy.”

“I don’t even know how I would accomplish that!” Donnie protested.

“Well,” Leo said, tilting his head to the side, considering for a moment. He supposed he wasn’t completely sure either, since he had come out at the ripe age of five, but he had certainly picked up a pretty good idea over the years from friends, peers, books, and of course, the internet. “Do you wanna change your name?”

“No. My name is fine.”

“Okay,” Leo said. “... Do you wanna be. Like… my sister?”

“Not really,” Donnie said. “I mean. I still want to be your brother. You guys can still call me your brother. I don’t…” He frowned. “I don’t want to be not your brother.” 

“Oh, okay.”

“And I still want to be Dad’s son.”

“That’s fine. Uh. Is there anything you do wanna change, then?”

Donnie shrugged a little, picking at the edges of their sweatshirt thoughtfully. “No. Not right now,” he finally said. “I guess just… you knowing is sufficient. For now.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay. Cool.”

Donnie sighed very softly, letting out a long breath, and Leo watched as his brother’s frame slowly untensed and relaxed.

“Okay. Cool.”

---

“You already chipped it,” Raph remarked, leaning over his shoulder gently to look at his nails. Leo resisted a sigh, leaning away in turn, pulling back from the contact.

“Yeah. Bummer. I’ll probably just take it off later,” he said with a hum, looking back down at his phone-- trying to act casual.

“Take it off? But we just got ‘em done!” Raph protested.

“Yeah, but it’s chipped,” Leo said, shrugging. “I dunno what you want me to do. I must have done it while skateboarding or something.”

“When did you go skateboarding?”

“The other day,” Leo said, noncommittal, leaning back in the seat of the train slightly, glancing out the window. “Hey, do you think pigeons are gonna evolve to be, like, sexy?”

“What.”

“Well, like. Half the pigeons you see are boring, right? Just… Regular pigeons with the boring, standard pigeon affair,” he quickly launched into an explanation, gesturing out the window as he spoke. “But then some of them are, like, crazy. Like, white with black spots or brown or whatever. Like. Some of them look super cool. Do you think New Yorkers will develop a preference for the cooler pigeons, and give them more bird seed, and therefore effectively breed out the normal ones? Like. Artificial natural selection? But for birds looking cool?”

“... What?” Raph repeated.

“That would be so horrible!” Mikey protested. “You can’t just feed birds based on who’s the prettiest!”

“Plus, like, would it even work? ‘Cause, I mean, maybe the regular ones are, like, scrappier, so even if people were givin’ the other ones more food…”

And off they went. Leo sighed quietly in relief as his brothers easily took the bait, spiraling off into a pigeon debate and leaving him in peace. Thank god.

He settled into his seat, shifting just enough so he could watch the world fly by in a blur. If he didn’t focus his eyes on everything, it all just blended together, as though someone had taken a palette knife over reality. The train hummed and rocked as they went, and the corners of his lips twitched slightly as he watched.

It had been, what-- a month since they had last attended a martial arts tournament? But it felt like a goddamn lifetime. The world was so different now, and, once again, no one even seemed to realize it. 

There had been several long arguments about whether or not they would attend, just as there had been several long arguments about whether or not they would go back to school or whether or not they would return to sports and other after-school activities. Long, lengthy debates about whether or not it was safe, whether or not it was too soon, or if just sitting at home and waiting was doing more harm than good, etc etc, with no one on any one clear side, everyone just worried and anxious and upset each time, all smeared together into sludge. Leo still wasn’t sure if it was the right move, but he didn’t think that sitting at home, with everyone locked away in their own rooms or arguing with each other, was a good idea, either.

Back when their dad was still missing, he had thought, pretending like everything is normal is so stupid. Why are we doing it? But now it was all he wanted to do. He wanted so desperately to pretend like everything was normal. He wanted so badly to act as though the problem wasn’t there. If he didn’t look at it, maybe he wouldn’t have to feel it. If he didn’t look at it, maybe no one else would, either.

The rest of the train ride was pretty quiet, aside from Mikey and Raph chatting about pigeons. It was odd. Usually, they would all talk. Their dad would chat with them, Donnie would chat with them… Usually, Leo had things to say, too. 

But not today. The train ride seemed long.

And yet, no time had passed at all before they were there. Leo liked the familiar buzz-- the bustle and shuffle of the people, the hum of excitement in the air, the promise of competition. At least this hadn’t changed. His family stuck close as they went through the usual routine, getting signed in and finding a spot in the bleachers, just like always, and they all played their usual parts-- Mikey thinking he forgot something before their dad revealed that, no, he had remembered, and it was in the bag, their dad taking the time to try to hype them all up, and Leo informing Donnie that he was gonna wipe the floor with him, (now that he no longer had any kind of head injury… He found that some of the usual joy of threatening his brother with bodily harm was gone now that he had watched them be beaten into unconsciousness by a stranger.) However, he did not receive the return banter he would usually expect, bringing the sense of familiarity coming to a grinding halt. Leo frowned a bit, trying not to sulk as the group made their way to the locker rooms. He hated the way things felt… wrong. Would it really kill Donnie to just play along?

“Hey,” Raph leaned over slightly as they walked, shifting the pace slightly so they were just a few steps behind Donnie and Mikey. Already, Leo didn’t like the look in his eyes. “Are you good?”

Leo’s brow twitched a bit, and he resisted the urge to huff. Oh, great, now Raph, too? He had already gotten the exact same question from Mikey at least eighty times over the past week. He swore his baby brother must have a timer on his phone for how often he came sidling up with those big eyes, trying to see if he was ‘okay.’

“Yeah, Raph. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just checkin’!” Raph immediately said, looking a bit nervous, rubbing the back of his neck. “You just. Uh. I dunno. You seem a little… off. That’s all.”

“I’m fine, Raph,” Leo dismissed, rolling his eyes.

“You sure? Because lately, I know, uh, things have been a little…”

“Raph. Seriously,” Leo cut off, bristling a bit. “I just said I was fine. I’m fine, okay?”

And he was! Seriously. He was… fine. It wasn’t a big deal. None of this shit was anything he couldn’t handle on his own. He scowled at the way his brother was looking at him, hunching his shoulders slightly and picking up his pace, following Mikey and Donnie into the locker room with a tiny grumble. Ever since the Battle Nexus thing, everyone just looked at him all the time like they thought he was gonna break, and Leo didn’t even get why. He was fine, wasn’t he!? Everything had worked out, so what was the big deal? They were all home now.

Whatever happened, happened. Leo, for one, was keen to get over it and move on. It wasn’t like anything had changed.

He already couldn’t sleep at night before all this. So it’s not like anything was really different.

He could tell that Raph had more he wanted to say, but thankfully, he didn’t, and the group busied themselves with getting changed into their gi, shoving bags into lockers and making sure everything was all prepped and ready. Leo fell quickly into the familiar routine, a soft sigh escaping him at the blissful relief of it, letting himself sink down inside. It was like ice water on sore, hot muscles, and he thought, god, didn’t they think this was better?

Wasn’t it so much easier to just go back to what they knew instead of lingering over everything that went wrong? Everything that hurt?

And he, himself, hadn’t been intending to linger. He had planned to head out into the main tournament area with the rest of his brothers, once they all had their shit ready and were making their way.

But they had walked past the long row of sinks in front of the bathroom stalls, and he had seen himself.

And goddammit. He was stuck again.

His breath kind of stuttered for a second and then stopped, staying nestled up in the middle of his chest for a moment. He paused, stopping, staring, examining for a moment and scrutinizing. His hand moved on its own, brushing against his own jawline, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side. But every angle looked the same to him. 

He felt stupid doing this. Bobbing his head from side to side, expecting that to be enough to change anything. 

It wouldn’t. 

He already knew.

He finally tore his gaze away from himself, feeling grateful that he was alone in the locker room until he realized that he, in fact, wasn’t. Mikey and Raph had gone on ahead, not noticing him stop and stay behind. 

But Donnie hadn’t. 

For one long, heavy moment, the two of them stood there in silence, staring at one another. It wasn’t until Donnie began to move that Leo did, too, immediately and knee-jerkingly reacting to the threat of his brother signing to him-- or worse, speaking to him-- and potentially saying the same shit that he had heard a hundred times before over the past week-- the past four weeks-- and did not want to hear again.

“Don’t,” Leo spat, his reaction time leaping to the forefront to show itself off, shutting Donnie down before he had a chance to do anything. “I’m fine, got it? It’s not a fucking crime to look in the mirror. I am fine. I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t want you to ask, I don’t wanna hear any of this stupid emotional bullshit right now over nothing. Especially not from you.” 

Donnie didn’t really respond, at least not right away, and Leo was bothered by the fact that his twin brother’s expression was unreadable. Donnie wasn’t always especially expressive, and he tended to wear his ‘resting bitch face’ more often than he didn’t, but it was never unreadable to him. Leo had long ago mastered the art of being inside his brother’s head. He had always been able to catch on to what Donnie was feeling if he looked long enough.

He couldn’t right now. Had something changed with Donnie? Or had something changed with him?

Both of you. Neither of you, something cold and stinging hissed dramatic prose inside his ear. All that’s changed is that you know the fact of the matter now.

You didn’t come into the world together. That connection you’ve always touted is fabricated. There’s no special bond. There’s no unbreakable link.

That is not your twin.

(And he had known this for a while, hadn’t he? He wasn’t stupid. He had realized long before now that they could not possibly be biological twins. But the identity had still stayed on his person up until this moment, and now he felt it falling out of his hands. It only made him angrier.)

Rolling his eyes, though he wasn’t even sure at who, Leo brushed past the other, making a beeline for the exit. “I’m in the first match,” he said, roughly, as if that were a good explanation, as if that was a good excuse for him to take his leave, shouldering his way through the door and leaving Donnie behind. 

His throat felt tight. He couldn’t have this conversation right now. 

The gap had grown so wide.

He didn’t dare to reach out an arm to check, but he wasn’t sure Donnie was within his reach anymore.

That sucked.

He ached for the familiar to come back.

Reaching his legs out long to build a hurried stride, he focused on pushing everything back down into his stomach and catching up with Mikey and Raph, entering the tournament space and feeling all the chatter and cheers of the fray creep up quickly and crawl into his spine. He hadn’t been lying before. He really was in the first match. 

“Yo! Leo. There you are,” Raph turned to face him when he approached, joining the other two at their little corner of the meet. Some of the other kids from the Lou Jitsu School of Ninjutsu dojo were there, too, and Leo made it a point to ignore all of them. “You g--”

“I’m fine,” he snapped, giving his brother an absolutely dangerous glare. Raph and Mikey exchanged looks, just for a second, but thankfully dropped it.

“... Alright. Where’s Donnie?”

“I dunno,” he dismissed, tossing his stuff down into a heap, kicking his shoes off and beginning to pull his hair back properly, wrinkling up his nose as a few clumps of curls brushed against his cheeks, escaping his grip and falling back down into his face. Goddammit.

He had always loved his hair. He spent hours on his hair. He lovingly bleached it, never allowing his roots to creep up too far, and religiously maintained the red streak framing his face. He adored showing off the coily ringlets, tossing them around and flipping his hair dramatically whenever he got the chance. But lately, it was getting on his nerves. He was thinking about chopping it all off. 

Raph knelt down next to him, silently taking over, pulling his hair back in an easy, practiced swipe of his large hand, untying the baby blue ribbon from his half-up topknot and calmly beginning to wrap it all into a ponytail instead. Leo frowned, but he let him. 

He tore off a long piece of sports tape with his teeth, wrapping it around his wrist with one hand. He had done this a million times, but now his heart clenched anxiously as he wound the tape over the silver bracelet on his wrist, the tiny blue crystal tucked away out of sight and out of reach. His brothers helped him shrug on any required padding, wriggling into sparring gloves and boots.

This was a larger meet, and usually, Leo preferred those, because there was stiffer competition and more events to partake in, but today it made his nerves tremble, squirming up and down his body, pressing against his muscles. Across the mat, Leo saw his opponent doing the same as him, preparing for the coming fight, some of their teammates hyping them up. A man who Leo assumed to be the coach bent over him, speaking fervently, likely giving some last-minute instructions and pointers. For some reason, it made Leo’s stomach turn, even though he knew his Dad was nearby, tucked into the front row of the bleachers amongst the many other parents and spectators and watching. Though their Dad was the one who, truly, taught them martial arts, he had long since retired from ‘officially’ coaching at the dojos, making way for other senseis to take his place. And Leo really liked their coach. But right now, he wished that it was their dad instead. 

It wasn’t, though. 

“You got this, Leo!” Raph encouraged as he stepped up to the mat, rolling his shoulders a few times, getting in a few more last-minute stretches as he approached. 

“Yeah! Kick his butt!” Mikey cheered from the sidelines, and the rest of the team was following suit, rallying behind him as the event began, just like they all did for every match, just like the other kid’s team was doing for him.

Leo didn’t really know the kid on the other side of the mat, though he recognized him vaguely. He knew the opposing dojo, having crossed paths with them at these events before, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to be able to recognize other competitors in he and Donnie’s weight class. He didn’t know his name or anything-- didn’t know a damn thing about him, just had vague recollections of facing him before in the past and taking him down with ease. 

He breathed in slow and deep, and then he let it out again.

He would do it again today. 

He had done this a million times before. He zeroed in on just this little pocket of the world; just this other kid and him. Everything else faded off as he closed the curtains on it all, coaxing his brain and body together and into focus, stringing them together and aligning his head, his torso, his limbs, and his will.

The boy across from him bowed, and Leo did too, bobbing his head forward stiffly.

“Stance!” The referee’s voice rang out.

Leo’s left foot slid forward, twisting slightly to find a firm hold on the ground. His right foot, in turn, moved back, and he shifted ever so slightly, allowing his center of gravity to sink just a bit lower, holding parallel to the ground. And though he took care to keep his body loose and fluid, all his muscles tensed, bunched up ever so slightly in preparation. 

The boy across from him did the same.

“Fight!”

Leo had always relied, to some degree, on his speed. He had a balance-- of course he did, their dad had taught them himself. He had strength behind his blows. He had dexterity and agility, he could think on his feet. But his greatest merit had always been that he was fast. He could endure a hit, but he didn’t have to if he could get out of the way first, and hit back. He was good at it. It was what he did.

He had done this a million times.

The other boy-- his stance was solid, Leo noted in the back of his mind. He was fast, too. He clearly knew what he was doing, was clearly good. He always had been. Why was he just noticing now--?

He was fast, too, but not faster than Leo. At the ref’s wave, the boy leaped forward, taking the offensive, rushing his opponent with an aggressive lead. And it should have been easy for Leo to dodge.

Leo was faster than him. He knew he was faster than him.

But for some reason, he didn’t move. His legs knew what they needed to do, and he knew what he wanted his legs to do.

But it didn’t happen.

Leo hadn’t been expecting a collision.

He hadn’t expected pain. He knew, even as it was happening, that he could dodge this and counter. He was in the middle of a tournament. It was familiar. He had done this a million times. 

What was wrong with him?

His legs didn’t listen. He didn’t move… and he was fully expecting to be punished for it.

The impact came and he went down hard.

---

“Leo, honey…”

Inwardly, Leo cringed, suspicion crawling up through his spine as he braced himself for an unpleasant conversation. He already knew what that tone of voice meant. Grown-up’s don’t just go, “Leo, honey…” for nothing.

He reluctantly turned to face the camp counselor who was addressing him, folded at the knees and leaning over slightly, as if she were talking to some little kid, which he was not, thank you very much. He was going to be starting the fourth grade in the fall, as a matter of fact, which was quite relevant, as it would so happen, to his current situation. 

This milestone meant he was finally old enough to participate in the day camps overnight event. He and Donnie had long anticipated this occasion, looking forward to this day for months now-- especially since Raph and April had gotten to do the sleepover last year and told them all about it. He and his siblings had been coming here during the summers for nearly as long as Leo could remember. Yeah, sure, they did other stuff, too. Donnie did his space camp, Mikey did his art camp, etc. etc.… But they always wrapped the season up with Camp Laurelwood during the month of August, all attending together. And Leo always had a good time, but he had been especially eager to attend this year. Not just because he was finally deemed old enough to sleep overnight. But because he and Donnie were and Mikey still wasn’t, which brought a whole other unique sense of joy and accomplishment to the entire situation. They hadn’t even technically started the overnight yet, and Leo was already so excited to brag and tell his little brother all about it tomorrow.

But suddenly, he was feeling a little less excited. 

“Don’t you think maybe you’d like to set your stuff up with April? In her tent?” Rosie suggested, gesturing slightly across the way, where April and a few other girls were getting settled, sorting through backpacks and playing rock-paper-scissors over who got which cot. Leo glanced over at his sister and scowled, hugging his sleeping bag to his chest.

“No,” Leo immediately responded, his face scrunched up into a prickly glare. Typically, he was all for hanging out with April. He liked April! But how dumb did this counselor think he was?

Did she really think she could trick him that easily?

The corner of Rosie’s lip twitched slightly. “Are you sure? I bet April and her friends would be really excited to have you join them,” she pressed, and Leo bristled. He knew full well that his Dad had already talked to the camp director about this. He already knew he was allowed in whatever tent he wanted. And he knew that every other camp counselor that he had worked with this year so far-- they were all really cool! He never had any issues with anyone else up until now.

He had thought Rosie was cool, too. Up until now. 

He was confident that if he put up a fuss, he could resolve this pretty quickly. He was really good at putting up a fuss. He had long ago learned how to fend off the occasional dumb adult who tried to nudge him in the wrong direction like this. He had found some time ago, under his father’s guidance, that he could shut down most situations like this by simply declaring (as loudly as he possibly could,) that no, he didn’t want to talk about his private parts with them, can you please stop asking? to whichever random adult was pestering him. They’d usually back off pretty quick after that.

And it was almost always adults, too. It used to baffle him when he was little, but now it just got on his nerves. 

He could kick up a fuss, yeah.

He just really wished he didn’t have to. 

“I don’t--”

“No, Leo has to be in my tent. With me.”

Leo glanced over in surprise as Donnie planted himself firmly by his side. 

“If he’s not in my tent with me, then I’ll cry,” Donnie reported, quite calmly, pursing his lips slightly as he glared up at Rosie. “And scream. The whole entire night long.”

Rosie floundered, just for a moment, before she forced a tiny laugh. “I’m sure you’d be fine in separate tents for one night. Plus, don’t you think it’d be more fun if you both got to hang out with some other kids for a change--?”

“I assure you I would not,” Donnie responded immediately, barely even letting the words leave her mouth, crossing his arms over his chest. “You see, I’m only nine, and this is my first time ever sleeping out in the woods. And Leo is my twin brother,” he added, pressing just a bit harder than he had to on the last word. “So there’s obviously a lot of potential for tonight to be very scary for me. And different. I’m sure you have notes on the clipboard you carry around all the time about me. So if you make me and my twin brother sleep in different tents, I’m gonna freak out. I’ll stay awake the entire night. And I’ll come into your tent to scream,” he said, very-matter-of-fact like he was making a promise. “I might even throw up, that’s how hard I’ll cry. And then I bet other kids will get scared and start crying, too. They definitely won’t be able to sleep, at any rate. So then the whole entire camp will be up. I bet they’ll have to make the camp director come down, eventually, ‘cause I’m gonna freak out so bad, and she’s gonna ask why you made us sleep apart from each other in different tents, and why you’re making Leo sleep in the girls’ tent, ‘cause I know your clipboard says--”

“Okay!” Rosie hissed, her face flushed slightly as she got back up to her feet-- rising up to her full height. “Alright, Donnie. That’s enough. It was just a suggestion. You and Leo can be in the same tent.”

Leo gaped slightly. Donnie grinned the teeniest, tiniest bit. And they both watched as Rosie walked off, suddenly finding something on the other side of the clearing that desperately needed her attention right away. And then Leo grinned, too, whipping around to face Donnie and laugh.

“Dude, that was cool!”

“I know,” Donnie said.

“Did you see her face!?”

“Yes, I did,” Donnie confirmed, and his grin grew a little wider. “... what a dum-dum.”

“Seriously,” Leo muttered, rolling his eyes, sighing a bit. “... Thanks, Dee.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Donnie said, though he seemed quite pleased with himself. “Obviously, I can’t just sit idly by and allow people to pick on my little brother.”

“We’re the same age!”

“Yes, but I was born first,” Donnie insisted, grinning widely, and Leo scoffed, shoving him gently. Donnie shoved him right back, but not hard.

Yeah, Leo could have handled Rosie by himself. He knew how to. But it felt… really good to not have to. And that was the cool part about Donnie, Leo thought to himself. He always kind of seemed to know when Leo didn’t want to. He even knew when Leo couldn’t handle it himself, even when Leo himself hadn’t realized yet, and he’d step in then, too. 

They had always done that. The back and forth. When Donnie was struggling, Leo would jump in and he’d fix it. And when Leo needed help, Donnie would put himself between Leo and the problem, and he’d fix it, too. That was just how it worked. Of course, Raph, April, and Mikey would do the same for either of them and had, in fact, done so plenty of times. They’d all gladly jump to each other’s aid whenever they needed it.

But it was just a tiny bit different when it was him and Donnie. They were twins. The world was just set up in such a way that they tended to traverse it in tandem… which meant he always had someone to lean back into if he needed it. Steady. Reliable. Comforting. And it had just always been that way. They had always done this.

“Whatever. Come on, let’s go put our stuff in the tent before all the good spots are taken!” Leo encouraged, grabbing his bag and shoving Donnie’s into his arms.

“There are good spots?”

“I dunno. Maybe!”

---

Of course, he had seen Leo get hit before. He had seen Leo get hit lots of times. I mean, it’s martial arts, of course people are gonna occasionally land hits on him. Quite frankly, it was usually one of them-- either Donnie snagging him during an event, which was not at all uncommon, or him and Raph getting him during training. Or, you know, just good old-fashioned brotherly banter.

But Mikey hadn’t ever seen him get hit like this before.

He just fucking crumpled.

And it was horrifying to watch, not just because of the sight of his brother slamming down onto the mat, his feet splayed out beneath him, and not just because of the sound, seeming to echo through the stadium over everything else-- but because he watching it happen and he felt so guilty, and he wasn’t even sure why. He wasn’t the one who took him down. It had nothing to do with him. But still, this bright, fidgeting lump rose up into his chest and lodged itself into his throat, pulsing dangerously there like a spark to kindling. Mikey quickly shoved it back down, forcing himself to settle.

Not now. 

He watched Raph jerk next to him, and he reached out to grab his arm, because he wanted so desperately to run over to Leo’s side right now and check to make sure he was okay, and he knew Raph did too, but they both knew better. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see their dad getting to his feet. 

Being here suddenly seemed like a really bad idea, actually.

It took him a second, but Leo began to sit back up after a moment, seeming dazed. Relief flooded through Mikey’s entire body. Logically, he knew that Leo couldn’t be injured that badly in a high school tournament, they were both wearing safety gear, the floor was padded, but it just-- it just felt--

He clenched his jaw, tamping it down again. 

The referee and their coach alike moved to check on his brother, and Mikey couldn’t hear from here, but one of them waved down one of the medics that always lingered around at the events. He could see from here that Leo was shaking, but trying to get to his feet anyway, his body moving in this stiff, painful way that looked out of place on him. It wasn’t what he usually wore. And after a bit of fussing, some examining, and what looked like some arguing, Leo was up again, testing each leg, taking a few steps, as if to prove to the adults clustered around him he could, in fact, walk.

There was a bit more debate, and he was allowed off the mat (or perhaps dismissed from it.) Mikey felt like he was a caged animal waiting to be fed for how he was pacing, bunched up and quivering with anxious energy, wanting to throw himself at his brother as soon as he got back to them and see if he was okay, check on him, help him, just be near him--

 But Leo walked right past them, all but pushing Mikey away when he reached out to him.

And. Okay. That… hurt, a little. Mikey swallowed, trying to dismiss the sting. He was sure Leo was embarrassed, and probably in pain after taking a fall like that. Plus, clearly something was wrong, for him to get taken down in the first place. Maybe he was sick? Maybe something happened?... Don’t take it personally, don’t take it personally…

He chased. He knew that Raph was, too, and their dad was no doubt right behind them, and the Hamatos returned to the locker room that they had just come from not too long ago.

“Leo!” Mikey cried, hurrying to catch up. Leo didn’t respond.

“Leo, are you--”

“I’m fine, Mikey. Can you just give me a minute?”

Raph scoffed, bristling behind him. “Uh, clearly you’re not fine! What happened back there? Are you hurt--”

“If I was hurt, then the medic wouldn’t let me walk away, obviously,” Leo spat in return, but Mikey could see from here that now that they had retreated to the locker room, away from the prying eyes of officials, a limp that hadn’t been there before had begun to color Leo’s gait. 

He heard the door open and close, and he was right. Their dad was right behind them.

“Blue!” Dad fret, moving to join them as Leo plopped down on the nearest bench, wincing slightly at his own harsh, careless movements, beginning to yank off his gear and toss it to the side. “Are you--”

“If anyone,” Leo hissed, his shoulders tensing up sharply, “Asks me one more time if I’m okay, then I’m going to lose my mind! How many times do I have to say it!? I’m fine, okay!? I’m fine! I just got hit in a fight, alright!? It’s a fight! It happens! It’s not the end of the world! Can all of you please find something else to fuss over?! I’m fine and I don’t want to talk about it!!!”

Mikey blinked in surprise with the venom in his brother’s voice. This was so… unlike him. Yeah, he knew that Leo didn’t like attention, at least, not attention like this. He didn’t like people to worry about him. He was independent. He wanted to be the caretaker, Mikey had noticed long ago, even if Leo hadn’t yet, rather than the one taken care of. He was too proud to always accept help when he needed it. But he didn’t act like this. He distracted, he made jokes, he dodged questions and, yes, okay, he acted like a brat sometimes.

But he didn’t treat people like this.

Mikey narrowed his eyes, and he set his jaw.

“No.”

Leo groaned loudly, tipping his head back slightly. “Mikey--”

“No. Leo, stop it! Just stop, okay?!” He hissed, his own hackles rising to meet him. “Do you think we’re stupid!? You’re not fine! You’re clearly not fine! Obviously, none of us are fine, okay!? Can we please just admit that things are bad right now so that we can try to fix it and make it better instead of just… pretending like nothing happened?!” He seethed. “I have tried so hard to be patient with all of you, but this sucks and it’s not fine. We need to talk about this! About-- everything! This clearly isn’t working! I’m-- I’m trying to be patient, and I can’t--”

Some tears rose up in his throat, pricking the edges of his eyes, and he grit his teeth with frustration, trying to will them away but finding very little success. 

“It’s not gonna get better unless we do the work and fix it, okay? Just admit that things suck right now, Leo! Please. I know it’s not fine and I don’t know why you’re trying to trick us i-instead of, of t-trusting us! I trust you! Why don’t you guys--”

He hiccuped a bit, squeezing his eyes shut and balling his hands into fists, setting his jaw slightly. He shifted ever so slightly, edging his feet apart to try to stabilize himself and fight against his shaking knees. Raph sighed softly, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Leo, come on. We’re just worried about you…”

Leo drew his arms around himself, looking sharply to the side. “I’m not--”

“Blue.” 

It was their dad who spoke up this time. 

He moved to Leo’s side, sitting down next to him, a hand resting on his shoulder. It was quiet for a moment.

“Do not take this out on your brothers. This is my fault,” he said. “If you’re going to be angry at someone, be angry with me. I-- I know I have let you all down.”

Mikey could see Leo swallow from here. And he could see Dad swallow, too, his brows furrowing together as his fingers traced a slow, gentle back-and-forth trail across Leo’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Dad continued, and Mikey could hear this little pinch to his words like he was trying not to cry, but refusing to let himself do so. “I know that… I know that things are difficult right now. And they have been for a while. And I know it’s… it’s because of me and my actions. And I-- I have not been there for you the way you need me to.”

He stopped and Mikey suspected it was to get a handle on himself again, to get control of his voice.

“I’m sorry. I am… afraid. But that is… That is not a good excuse. I-- I don’t want--”

He broke off again, and this time a tear escaped, making a break for it, tracking its way down his father’s face. Their whole life, Mikey could count the amount of times they had seen their dad cry on one hand. But lately, the number was climbing rapidly, and though Mikey had already tried and failed to keep tears off his own face quite some time ago, now they only came faster. He swallowed a sob.

He was almost surprised to hear Leo sob, too, shifting just enough to hide his face against their dad’s shoulder. And in a second, their dad’s arms were around him, and Mikey couldn’t stand to be so far away from them anymore-- a whole foot away. Their dad opened an arm to make room for him right away when he approached, and then for Raphael. There wasn’t enough room for them on the dumb little locker room bench, but they made it work. It wasn’t about settling in and getting comfortable. It was just about hanging on.

“I’m so fucking mad at you,” Leo wept, his voice muffled by their father’s robe.

“I know. You deserve to be,” Dad whispered.

“You-- you’ve sucked since we got home.”

“You’re right. I have sucked,” he murmured softly.

“How could you leave us alone like that?” Raph said, his voice wrenching its way from his throat like a gasp. “We worked-- we worked so hard to find you. And everyone was so scared. I worked so hard. And you were just-- you were just gonna leave. How could you do that?!”

“I’m sorry,” Dad bit out. “I’m so sorry, my sons. I thought-- I thought I was doing the right thing. I’m sorry.”

Mikey hiccuped softly.

“You have to talk to us.”

“I promise I will.”

“We can’t-- we c-can’t do this if you don’t trust us and, and explain, this is... Dad, this is so scary.”

“Everything really sucks right now,” Leo added in, his voice absolutely shaking. “Everything sucks and you won’t h-help us. Y-you’re not--”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’ve… I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” Dad said, his grip on them tightening slightly, pulling them even closer like he was afraid to let them go. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’m sorry. I will-- I will do better. You don’t have to-- to forgive me. But I will do better. I swear I will do better.”

Mikey sobbed, absolutely burrowing his way into his father’s embrace as deeply as he could. His back and his knees hurt from the position he was in, and the posts of his earrings were digging uncomfortably into his neck, but he didn’t care. The entire world felt so cold and right here felt so warm. And so for a while, they all just stayed like that, quiet and close, until Mikey finally began to run out of tears, all wrung out and exhausted.

Having emotions was so goddamn difficult sometimes. He never realized how heavy they all were until he started trying to hold them all down. He thought to himself, jesus, is this what Donnie feels like all the time?

… Wait.

Mikey pulled away just the tiniest bit, his eyes doing a quick sweep of the locker room for something that he already knew wasn’t here. 

“Where… where did Donnie go?...”

---

It was dark here. There was no moon or sun here. No stars or sky above.

Donnie supposed that, logically, that made sense. The Hidden City was underground. He supposed he was aware, but it hadn’t sunk in properly until now, examining the skyline off in the distance. He could feel the echoed thrum of the city even from all the way out here, but it felt removed, as though it were secondhand. 

Everything was painted in this soft, barely-there blue glow of the towering mushrooms that grew in abundance here, providing the only lighting for him to see by. He had thought about taking out his cell phone to use the flashlight, but he didn’t want to see the missed calls and texts that he was sure were there by now. Under different circumstances, he imagined that he would be excited by the foreign fungi, thrilled for the chance to study them, to take samples and field notes… but he wasn’t now. 

For a long time, he had relied on facts and reason. They had always held him up, providing a reliable and steady basis for his life. But now, all of a sudden, they weren’t there anymore. He didn’t know where they had gone, but he knew he had been left behind. 

It had taken him a long time to get here-- wherever the hell he was. He didn’t really know, actually, and he wasn’t exactly sure why he had come here. It was an obnoxious labor to retrace their steps from back when they had first attempted to find the secret door Sunita had told them of, operating purely off of memory and uncovering it on his own. He was sure that at least a few hours must have passed, and for all this time and effort, he was now simply in the middle of nowhere. He just didn’t know where else to go. 

They didn’t recognize the plants that brushed up against the edges of their hands, but they thought quietly to themself that they reminded them of ryegrass. Perhaps if ryegrass were taller and bluer. 

They wished they could feel excited about that.

They didn’t.

Their steps faltered, slowed, and stopped. For a second, they stood still, listening to the deafening quiet of this place. Standing alone in an empty field, staring off at nothing. And as soon as he stopped moving, it all caught up to him.

An unbidden, furious sob clawed its way painfully up his throat. And then a second, and a third, and his skin crawled at the unpleasant sensation of tacky tears dripping down his cheeks, which only worsened this already horrible moment. Why did people always say crying was cathartic? Crying was horrendous. Crying was tortuous. He swiped desperately at his face, trying to remove the offending liquid, but they kept coming, and the more frustrated he became, the more tears fell.

Gritting his teeth, a short, resentful shriek escaped from his mouth, and his hands were shaking bad enough that he was almost unable to tear his bracelet from his wrist, clawing the jewelry off of his body with frenzied yanks of his trembling hands. But he still managed. 

The sensation associated with the complete transmutation of his body was still just as awful as before, and he gagged several times, bent over and heaving for a moment as dizziness briefly overtook him. But there was nothing in his stomach to bring up to begin with. He sobbed angrily, steeling himself and forcing himself upright again.

He reared back and threw the bracelet as hard as he possibly could. 

Logically, they knew that this was foolish. The cloaking crystal was highly valuable. This was a rash decision based entirely on emotion, and there was a chance he may regret it, given enough time. But logic had failed them. Logic wasn’t here. They had held onto it so desperately, but their steady presence was gone, and the comfortable cloak of numbness that they had worn as a shield for the past week was suddenly gone, too.

It was an emotional decision. And these were emotional thoughts, he knew. But they were all he had right now.

[ next ]

[teler-of-gallifrey]

Little excerpt of something that came to me. It's a bit rough, but the dialogue's good.

Daniel sat numbly in his chair. He felt terrible. His chest felt ugly and tight, his throat was clamming up, his eye's felt heavy with water. His dad sat on his right, running his hand gently up and down his back. Ell clutched his left hand, chilling him to the bone. He gripped her back tighter, squeezing as much like a vice as his twelve year old hands could manage. He stared dully forward at Martin as he lay on the hospital bed, motionless.

"Do you see Death?" Ell whispered in his ear, gently rubbing her thumb over his hand.

"What?" He croaked out.

"When I was your age, I was told a story about a man with a special gift: He could see Death. And so, whenever someone was ill and dying, people would bring him to the dying persons bed. And if Death stood at the foot of the bed, the man would produce his magic goblet, which had been given to him by a demon. And he would sprinkle the water from the goblet onto the ill person, and they would recover. But if Death sat at the head of the bed, the person would die, and there was nothing that could be done about it" She said. "So if you see Death, watch where he stands." She finished.

"Wh" he choked on his tears as he tried to whisper back "What do we do if Death is at the head of the bed?" Ell shook her head.

"There is nothing you can do. Death is not a fairy or a demon. You cannot reason with Death. You cannot bargain or barter with it. You cannot trick it. Death comes for everyone, in it's own time, whether you will or no... Not that that's ever stopped her trying"

"But I don't want him to die... He's... He's... He's my..." Daniel didn't know what to call him. Dad was Dad, and Papa was Papa. Martin had never pressed for a title. "Birth parent" he'd introduced himself as, when they first found out. That was all. He'd always just been Martin. And now he was dying, and Daniel would never get to find out what he'd want to be called, and he'd never be able to tell him about all the things he liked, and he'd never get to see him again, and he couldn't stop crying, and...

"Hey now" Dad said, cutting through his thoughts as he pulled Daniel into his lap. "It's going to be alright." He shushed softly. "He's going to be alright". Daniels sobs subsided as he was cradled, and he heard Bel talking, loud and desperate. He blinked, and saw her standing, her neck craned around like she was trying to talk with someone who stood in front of her, with their back towards her.

"Please! Please, he is my son! Please!" She begged. Daniel blinked again and saw who she was pleading at, stopped as he stood, one hand resting on the hospital bed, as though he had been walking before the ghost began to entreat him. The robe was not airy or light, but a real, warm cloak, like one might wear for actual clothing. The scythe was not a dread weapon, great and sharp and with a wicked point at it's tip, but a humble tool, sharp yes, but only that it might preform it's function. The hood did not conceal a inky blackness, but obscured very little of the wearers face, showing the skull, which did not betray any pleasure or malice, or any other emotion.

"All men that die are somebodies son. They die, nonetheless" Death said, with a voice gentle and whispery, like a soft wind.

"Please. Please, he has a son! He's only just found him again! They deserve to be together!" Bel sobbed, gesturing at Daniel. Death turned to look at him, and Daniel felt dread well up inside him for a moment, before his gaze turned back to the wailing ghost.

"Many who die have sons. They die regardless. If he dies, he will return to you. You will be together again; do you not desire this?" Death stated.

"I don't want him back with me, I want him to be happy!" Bel cried, gripping the reapers robes as she shook. "How could he be happy, knowing that he left Daniel behind?"

"Many who die leave those they love sooner then they would like. Did she" Death pointed at Ell, who still held Daniels hand "Did she not die young, leaving you, her lover, and he, her son, alone? Leaving you to raise him alone? Did you not die, were you not ripped away from your family sooner then you would have liked, leaving your son and your grandchild? Leaving your son to grieve your loss and the loss of his child alone? Leaving your grandchild to be taken away in secret by strangers?" Death replied, one hand still on the bed, the other on his scythe.

"Please" Bel begged, dropping to her knees "Please"

"I will do what I came hear to do. Nothing else" The reaper replied, reaching down to help her off the floor. "When he dies, I will take him. until then, I will watch" He said, and returned to his vigil over the bed.

[mariedreamlove]

Feeding into the sibling headcanons of my newest fic ( a second chance (I'll take it no matter what)):

Finney and Gwen:

- their bond is even closer, they understand eachother without words

- if someone even tries to pick on either of them, the other comes to the protection, if verbally or physically is actually more or less depending in what condition the other sibling is.

- Gwen would literally travel through time for Finney, and does so.

- Finn's main goals are simple: protect the boys, make sure the Grabber doesn't even realize Gwen exists.

- They have disagreements. Quite often actually, though they still have the mentality : we can't be against one another if someone is against us two (either their dad or the Grabber)

- Finney still eats Gwen's ice cream, and she drinks his grape sodas if she gets the chance.

- she also likes, if the situation let's it be, to pick on Finney's crushes. (Donna First, then Robin.)

- tho Finney acts like he doesn't like it, he enjoys buying Gwen sweets or magazines or anything she likes.

- they always are there for eachother, and know of to clam the other one down I'm case of a panic attack.

- Gwen always tells Finney everything, and he tells her almost everything.

Donna & Billy (they are siblings in this AU)

- They don't have a great relationship ( constant fights, sometimes getting physical with shoving and when they were younger even hitting)

- after Billy was kidnapped, Donna fell into some kind of trance and just acted like.. nothing happened. She couldn't quite grasp what had happend and that her brother didn't return from his paper route. After his killer was dead though, she fell into a kind of realization and now only wants to make things better, change the past and save him to get the chance to at least tell him how sorry she is for him she treated him.

- Billy always left, though the siblings mostly were cold to eachother, a chocolate bar before Donna's door if they had a fight to say he was sorry. He doesn't know how to say sorry really. Sometimes it annoys Donna but she also appreciates it.

- Billy is a year and a half older than her, and is constantly acting like he is absolutely superior to her because of this ( he is only a few inches taller than her, and in the future Donna would have grown taller than him).

- tho they absolutely act like they despise eachother or don't know eachother, they can grow quite protective of eachother. Of course this grow into fights sometimes.

- Billy has terrible fears of storms and tornados, after he survived a bad storm on one of his routes. (A tree he was driving under was hit by lighting and a branch almost fell on him, but he survived with only a few bruises and a broken toe) Donna then either told him stories or just slept in the same room as him. Neither of them talk about it, but it happens.

- they do have to go through a lot of therapy before they can say to eachother that they love and appreciate each other. (Yet Donna traveled back in time to save him from the Grabber.)

Vance & Griffin

- Griffin used to sit right next to Vance and watch him with Vance's other friend break his Highscores and was having the time of his life while doing so, because oh my god the Vance Hopper is my brother and he lets me watch!

- Vance is a terrible comforter, and Griffin is a emotional kid. Chaos ensues everytime Griffin comes to his big brother crying and he just tries to clam him down. He often just offers to buy him ice cream or go catch bugs with him.

- While Vance likes to fight, while not in any sport, and to play pinball but this irrelevant for this rn, he wouldn't do it in front of Griffin. Not because his brother doesn't like violence nor not to scare him. Griffin just gets way too much of a big mouth and tries acting like Vance, while being build like a stick. ( How easy his back was to break.. like a stick.)

- the two curse a lot around eachother, and Vance tries to talk Griffin out of trying to beat people up. Because he can't, and Vance is terrible at patching himself up. Let alone his little brother!

- their dad isn't around a lot, so Griffin looks up to Vance. He gets a lot of his humor from Vance and his attitude sometimes.

- tho sometimes having different opinions, they two always stick together.

- Griffin loves bananas while Vance despises them like he has personal beef with them.

- as ghosts, while Vance was in the basement, Griffin knew he knew Vance from somewhere. Vance called out to Griff, but Griffin never realized they were brothers. When Vance died, he hugged Griffin so hard and cried harder than ever before, even while dying he didn't cry so hard. He apologized for leaving him alone that day for not walking him to school and anything. Griffin just asks who Vance is.

- normally Vance walks Griffin to school ( on the day of his kidnapping they had a fight.. Vance stayed home while Griffin walked to school. We know how this one ended.)

- Griffin is someone who overhears, through being almost unnoticeable to his peers, everything. Meaning Vance knows exactly what someone said. Because Vance is the one Griffin tells everything.

Bruce & Amy

- don't get always along, kind of rivals in things to impress their parents.

- when they were younger, they had a similar situation as Billy and Donna, but they grew over it. They still have tension but get along way better.

- Amy is more antisocial than Bruce, and unlike him she tells when she doesn't want something.

- Amy loves sweets, while Bruce likes more spicy snacks and less sweet deserts.

- Amy is at every Baseball game of Bruce, and he goes to every soccer game she has.

- After Bruce disapeared, Amy's grades really got low. So low, she had to repeat the year, because she was so distraught by her big brother dissapearing.

- for that reason she didn't like Donna. They were in the same situation and shoes, their big brothers being gone, and Donna acted like.. nothing happened. After Finney disappeared she and Gwen got to be friends, and later she warmed up to Donna too, after realizing that was the way she dealt with the trauma.

- Bruce tells Amy all about his problems and is the only person he is like half out to, and she does so too.

Robin and literally everyone.

- the literal only only child in the friend group.

- he acts like a big brother to the younger siblings (Griffin, Gwen and Donna, sometimes Amy if Bruce brings her along) and like the annoying younger brother to Vance and Bruce and Billy, and to Finney he's his soulmate.

- he one time snuck all of his friends in his uncle's truck to the cinema without him knowing

- he got the best lunches, because either his mom or his uncle make them.

- look at his friends the wrong way and he'll make you pay. Bare you nice, he'll be nice

[vampire-exgirlfriend]

so youve talked about daemon. but what are your thoughts on alicent?

Here, have some unhinged Alicent meta, anon who obviously wants me to get beat up.

Where the fuck do I even start with Alicent Hightower?

So I actually do enjoy the changes from the book to the show, at least in the first half of season one. I think that the added intrigue and drama of having her and Rhaenyra be friends and contemporaries added a lot of good potential. I love the angle of that first forbidden love (that was actually Emily’s idea, not the show runners, so stop being weird about that, certain TB people). It added depth to her character and gave us a taste of how much she would change as the story unfolds. Young Alicent is a sad girl, but still a girl full of hope, who had dreams and a best friend that became her family. To a lot of people, she’s very relatable. She’s sassy (the gossip at the tourney will never not be one of my favorite scenes), she’s smart, she works hard to learn and to impress those around her. And then, when tragedy strikes, she’s pulled away from Rhaenyra, the person she wanted to comfort in the ways that Alicent had found comfort in when her own mother died, and essentially pimped out by her father to the king (we can have a separate conversation about the whole Laena thing, which I do actually view as very different from what Otto did with Alicent), sent in her dead mother’s clothes to a grown man’s rooms, alone, to “soothe his grief.” There is very little left to the imagination about what Otto intended with this (I pretty firmly believe that Viserys took her maidenhead the night before the announcement was made that he would marry her instead of Laena and that’s why Alicent is wearing the same dress and jewelry the next day). 

So you have this fifteen year old girl, who was assaulted by a man she’s known all her life, the father of her best friend, and king of the realm. She’s rightfully terrified, she sees her life flashing before her eyes, she sees the implosion of the one friendship she really has. And honestly, the lead up to this is where Alicent loses me a bit. She is incredibly isolated, we see this. We see how she and Rhaenyra are held up as women with power, but powerless to do anything with it - it is power in name only. They are portrayed as each other's safe harbor in the storm. And I find myself asking ‘why didn’t Alicent go to Rhaenyra? Why didn’t she confide in her best friend about this, when that confiding would have the power to remove her from this situation, or at least, have her be less alone in it and have her best friend know what’s going on?’ Like we know, Alicent is a smart girl. So I will blame this one on the writing. Because it genuinely doesn’t compute to me. Yes, her father said “keep quiet.” Viserys said “keep quiet.” But, in a more real life scenario, would she have kept quiet? Especially before the guilt and shame of any sexual events (i.e assualt by the king) have happened and made the emotional spiral messier. I very much understand how sexual assault makes us clam up, and I, in no way, would ever shame or brow beat anyone for how they handle that. But what about the months before that happened? We are constantly shown how these girls share and gossip and spend all of their time together. It would have made sense for Alicent to be like "this is happening and I don't like it and I'm nervous." So, to me, this is more of a forced drama point to push the narrative along. It’s clunky and awkward and doesn’t make sense for the people that we now know Rhaenyra and Alicent to be. 

It was the first moment where I was like “bad call, Alicent.” But I do think that this clunky narrative choice by the writers does play into the person that we see Alicent grow into, which is where she almost completely loses me. 

Alicent Hightower is both victim and abuser. These are two things that can be true at one time, and I can be full of both sympathy for her plight and fury at the way she treats those around her. She has been isolated and preyed upon by her father, and assaulted and made to birth babies for a man who doesn’t care for her or for them. She has led a life of trauma, and it twisted her into something unrecognizable from the girl we met in episode one. 

And she made Rhaenyra the center of that, the touchstone of her righteous rage. 

She becomes fixated on the Velaryon boy’s lack of Valyrian features (which is an extension on the bad blood that grew between her and Rhaenyra when she found out that Rhaenyra and Criston slept together - do not come at me about which way the power dynamics skew in that situation). Why the show made the change to Rhaenys’ black hair and darker coloring will never fail to both astound and piss me off. This was meant to be vague. It was meant to not be able to be pinned down because those boys could have easily gotten their grandmother’s coloring. But whatever. Even still, Alicent’s treatment of Rhaenyra and Joffrey immediately after his birth is nothing short of fucking atrocious at best and abusive at worst. Even Laenor’s line of “haven’t we moved past this by now” shows us that this has been going on for the last eleven years.

That said, there are eleven years of missing pieces here. And we as the audience are left to interpret what could have gone on in that time. But to me, it looks like Alicent could not come to grips with the fact that Rhaenyra no longer saw her as someone that she could trust, that she could confide in. Rhaenyra took the omission of the fact that Alicent was spending time with Viserys (of her own volition or not, Rhaenyra has no idea, because Alicent kept it a secret, and we can’t look at that through the modern lens we want to. Because fifteen year old girls were married to men in their forties all the time, despicable as it is) and felt that it was the deathblow to their friendship, which further isolated them both.

We see that Alicent has become more pious over the years, which makes sense because 1) the Hightowers have a very deep connection to and relationship with the faith of the seven 2) she says in an early episode that the sept is where she goes to feel closer to her mother, and she is very much isolated at this point, needing that connection, and 3) it gives her a more tangible reason for her hatred for Rhaenyra’s children (more than just the show narrative idea of “hey, Alicent can’t get over a pseudo breakup with her childhood sort of girlfriend). In her mind, if the Valrayon boys are bastards, they are evil, and her faith backs up that train of thought. It gives her something to cleave to, something that substantiates all the feelings that she can’t make sense of but that feel awful. And while all of this is happening, she has Otto whispering “oh, Rhaenyra will certainly kill your sons should she come to the throne.” 

Now, again, Alicent loses me here. Because Rhaenyra has never indicated that she would do that (or allow that, for those of you who want to say ‘Oh well Daemon…’ or ‘Oh well Corlys…’). Alicent has seen that, where her father is concerned, that she is “simply a piece to move about the board,” that he never had her best interest, or her children’s at heart, and still she chooses to believe that? So is it just weak writing, or is Alicent weak in this instance? And where does that piety stand when she is covering up the fact that her son raped a maid? She doesn’t hold Aegon responsible for the action, only for how it would reflect on the family. She is so quick to blame the Velaryon boys for the pig incident, when, on screen, it is very obvious to see that it was Aegon’s idea and he roped an eleven and a four year old into it. Even Viserys sees it. And when it’s brought to Rhaenyra’s attention, Rhaenyra extends the offer of a dragon egg to Aemond, as well as a betrothal between Jace and Helaena (jacelaena, my beloveds). Alicent, however, only tells Aegon that he can “cuff his brother about at home as he wishes” but that outside of their home, they must present a united front. I will say that I do believe that Alicent is doing everything she can to keep her family together, to keep them safe. She has never not been isolated. She is not a dragon, she is not a Targaryen, she holds absolutely no power. Do I think she did the right things? No. But I also don't think everything she did came from a hateful or evil place. No one taught this woman how to be a mother, no one taught her how to love her children without hurting them (metaphorically. She can catch these hands for the physical abuse she commits against Aegon. There is never an excuse for putting your hands on children).

Then we have Driftmark, an all around unfortunate situation. A dragon cannot be stolen, so I’m not even going to touch on that. But children who should have been in bed, watched by guards, weren’t, and the ensuing fight happened. Aemond lost an eye, everyone is corralled into the great hall and Jace tells Rhaenyra “he called us bastards.” I don’t think enough people understand the concept that bastardry in this instance can get you killed. Rhaenyra, the boys, Harwin, if he wasn’t already dead, could have lost their lives; it wasn’t just the crown or the throne at risk. And these are the words that Alicent is teaching her sons to use in regard to Rhaenyra and the Velaryon boys. Should the name calling have been the main focus of this? Absolutely not, a child had his eye cut out. Was it on purpose? No. Should it have been addressed? Yes, and Viserys fucking dropped the ball there, just the same way he had done for the entirety of his reign. But calling Jace and Luke bastards could cost them their lives. And I don’t think that twelve year old Aemond gets this. He doesn’t have that total understanding of it. But Alicent does. And she has been speaking these words, more loudly than she should, for over a decade at this point. 

Aemond doesn't understand what he's saying in this moment, but every adult in that room does because of how bastardry is looked at within the realm. And not just for the treason of it, but because every woman in the realm worries about her husbands bastards usurping her children on claim (look at Cat Stark and Jon Snow). There’s no denying that Rhaeynra put her sons in a dangerous position (we can talk about her rights and wrongs in another post if anyone wants to). Alicent is not the only one who sees it, but right now she's the loudest, and that's where the possible hope to get someone else to talk about it would come in. Would it have just been easier had someone other than Alicent’s inner circle bought into the bastard rumors and forced the issue? Yeah. And to a certain degree, I think that's what she wanted.

So tldr Alicent drives me fucking crazy, in both good and bad ways. I think the time skip did her and Rhaenyra, both as individuals and together, a huge disservice, and we somehow ended up with whatever the fuck happened in episode 9 where all of a sudden Alicent was back to being team “we gotta save Rhaenyra.”

[luxlightly]

Bob's Burgers and self reflection and improvement as an act of love

More Bob's Burgers posting because I've been on a Bob's Burgers kick lately.

You know what's really nice about the climax of the movie? When they're in the clam car in the hole?(Keeping it vague to try not to spoil anything major for people who haven't seen it)

Bob works out the issue of what he's been doing wrong in his relationship with Linda all by himself. And takes it upon himself to improve. The moment of realization that he's been relying on her upbeat attitude without reciprocating the same level of optimism for her is not because she tells him. It's not because anyone helps him get to that conclusion.

He just talks through it and figures it out himself and makes an immediate change. He doesn't need to have his hand held and guided through the idea he needs to improve himself.

"You don't give up! You're Linda! I'm the one who gives up! And you tell me everything will be okay and get me through it until the next thing when I give up again and oh my God saying this out loud I realize that must be terrible for you! You shouldn't only be encouraging me all the time that must be so exhausting!"

Linda prides herself on her ability to be motivating and on her upbeat attitude. And so it's easy for them to fall into a pattern of "Bob gives up and Linda inspires him to keep trying". Linda enjoys being able to do that. It makes her feel proud of herself. Bob on the other hand has some pretty deep anxieties. It's easy to see how this became routine through no fault of either of them. Bob deeply appreciates Linda's optimism and is very vocal about that but, just by talking himself through it, realizes that he's been taking advantage of it. In trying to praise it, he realizes the dynamic isn't fair.

The basic dynamic of "Linda usually cheers up Bob" is not even a bad one. She LIKES to do that. And it's generally easy for her to do because of her natural optimism. There's no reason that dynamic should go away entirely. But Bob realized it had become "Linda ALWAYS is the one to cheer up Bob" and that's too unbalanced and therefore needs to improve.

And he immediately changes his behavior even though Linda tries to say "oh. It's fine. It's not that bad. I'm used to it."

He essentially just says

"No. Being married to me shouldn't be a chore. It shouldn't just be draining for you. It needs to be a balance and a partnership. You need to be able to be the one who needs encouragement sometimes and I need to step up to be the one to give it to you and that's what I'm going to do starting right now!"

And that's just such a wonderful way of depicting a reasonable problem in a relationship and and emotionally mature response to it. It makes total sense how the level of encouragement between the two became unbalanced. It's a relatively small issue and neither of them is at fault for it. But it's draining for Linda, emotionally. And that's not fair.

And, most importantly for me, the conflict of "Linda is giving more emotional energy to Bob than vice versa" is not solved, as it so often is in media, by Linda giving even more emotional energy to explain the problem to Bob and possibly even fight about it, then guide him through improving himself.

It's solved with Bob recognizing the problem on his own and taking immediate steps to improve himself.

Bob and Linda are such a great example of a couple who has been together a long time because of the fact that they truly deeply love each other. We're never left to doubt that for even a second in the show. We're shown it constantly. And sometimes love is work. But they're happy to do it because they deeply enjoy each other's company and they constantly inspire the other to improve themselves. And that's refreshing.

It's something we've seen from even the very first episode of the show, too. In the first episode, Linda admits to Bob that he's not a great kisser compared to her ex fiance. And the episode ends with them kissing and her noticing he's improved and he explains he looked up tips on the internet and has been practicing. Even though she told him earlier that it wasn't that important to her, compared to things like how passionate Bob is, he goes out of his way to improve himself for her. And not to prove a point. Not to show up the ex or because he's comparing himself to the ex. He is proud of himself but he didn't do it to be proud of himself. He did it because he wants Linda to get good kisses.

The idea of self improvement being an act of love is established from the first moments of the show and continues being fundamental to it all theses seasons later. And that's so great.

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 140

My mood swings like a wreaking ball during this chapter

This review is gonna have lots of photos for the sake of referencing

Aw I like how Becket feels responsible and concerned towards Maria for what he said. He's a sweet guy. I hope he's not gonna get fired (..or maybe fired and then being Maria's lover haha)

I'm sure Gwen will be fine. Maybe some emotional and mental damages, but she'll be fine..probably.

Why is the technical difficulties so aesthetic for some reason? 😭 it's so aesthetically soft in a bloody way.

And Gwen's siblings staying by her side is soooo wholesome

Even in their sleep they still have the protective instinct of an older sibling 😭 I may be the youngest in my family, but I have a lovely cat whom I love and protect very much.

Prez is all of us in quarantine. I'm glad the medicine worked! Science, baby!

I wanna talk about 4 scenes

The first one

This is what I've been wondering the whole time. Where the heck is Jack? How long is this trip? All we know is he's grabbing the omniscient clam and going to wherever he's going. I think the canyon where the princes and the princesses were supposed to get married at? What is taking him so long?

The second and third scenes

We now know how Jamie's dream is. Sunshine rainbows and all, probably because of her sparkly magic. As the witch said: "They're usually mish-mash of each person's memories, acquaintances, and a lot of nonsense"

She also said "sometimes sounds and smells from the external world can seep in" So I'm thinking of this.

When Gwen ended up in her dream, she smelled flowers and heard birds singing from Lorena and Maria protecting her while she's asleep. Because Jamie realize she could be in a bad dream, I'm gonna bet the pastel family, Agatha and Molly, Frederick, heck maybe even cpc will tell her from the external words sweet messages like "You're loved!" "You're beautiful just the way you are" "I love you" "Please come back to us" over and over again.

What about what Gwen will see? Well from the next chapter's thumbnail we know she's gonna see Leopold. Most probably because of that one time where Leopold become a "therapist" for Gwen. Maybe dream Leopold will tell her the same thing he said in chapter 66:

"You'll never learn to love yourself.. if you can't honestly face your own feelings."

Other than that, she will surely meet her family and Frederick there. Maybe even flashback of when Frederick called her ugly.

But! What I really think is gonna happen is this:

Her memories of her mom is gonna appear like a repressed memory. That is definitely gonna happen I hope that will happen.

Okay! Stepping out from the dream..

AKSKAKAKKANAAAAAAAMWKJWJSWN NO NO WHAT IS HE— YO???? WHAT THE HECK NAH BRO C'MON 😭

WHAT DO YOU MEAN LELAND? What do you mean "tomorrow's the big day" the big day to what?! To what?! You know I could've kept my composure but I absolutely LOST it when I saw Lance's face. Like, boy?? Since when he can do THAT? This is bad. This is REALLY bad. Whatever this plan is, I don't think I'm gonna like it. Well, at least they're not being hung upside down anymore..

HAHA I LOVE THIS CLAM ALREADY.

Suddenly remembering when I said this and I HOPE I'M RIGHT.

So Jamie and Gwen ARE twins!! Maybe that's gonna play more role further on?

Ending this review with them because awww look at them :') They're such sweet couples look at how happy Leelathae is <3

See ya guys, gals, and pals

Mono out!

(But still in to listen to your thoughts :) )

[featherymainffins]

No but since we're on the topic of eating disorders anyway, I'm really grateful for the doctor who's gonna lead my individual therapy as well as the group DBT therapy, because she's the first person who takes my issues with food and body image seriously and doesn't shame me for them.

Like I genuinely wasn't expecting that. Because I'm so used to professionals just kinda shrugging it off or mocking me. When I was a pre-teen and then a teen, they always asked the wrong questions and didn't pry more, and I genuinely didn't understand what they were asking. They always asked if I thought I was fat. But until two years ago, my perception of myself was not actually warped in this way - I was cognitively aware that I was not fat, because I could look around myself and see that most people were bigger than me, and logically I understood that I wore XS and S clothes. So I always said no. It was the truth. I didn't think so. But I felt fat. An emotional component of me was telling me that I was fat, while my visual perception was telling me that I wasn't. But they never asked me about how I felt, only what I thought. And they never pried more.

I had one psychiatrist who did, but she was aggressive and made me feel ashamed about everything. She kept threatening me, saying that if I had an eating disorder she'd call a psychiatric hospital and they'd lock me up. It was a threat, so I avoided talking about it. She also tried to weigh me several times despite me getting a panic attack every time. I tried to explain to her that it makes me feel intense fear and that I would rather die than step on a scale, and I was willing to weigh myself at home if she needed to know that bad, I just needed to do it on my own time with enough mental preparation, but she'd never listen.

When I started transitioning, I had to clam up about my body and food issues completely. Another psychiatrist told me that I had to choose - I could either be a man, or I could have an eating disorder. She would treat me as a girl if I decided that I have problems with my body image and food.

Most other professionals have just shrugged it off. They always ask how much I eat during anamnesis. I don't lie about it, though I try to make it sound light-hearted. It's supposed to be funny. I'm supposed to be funny. "Oh...well...not much. You know how it is, no time for things like food haha." They don't ask if there's a reason besides time, so I don't say anything. I'm not sure if I'm secretly hoping they'll pry, I'm not sure if I'm hoping that they notice something nervous behind my chuckle. Either way, they don't.

But when I was at one of the DBT interviews they do before the group therapy begins, the doctor was doing my anamnesis and talking about BPD and DBT etc etc. It was partly boring and I felt like she thought I was an idiot. Logically, I think she found it as awkward as I did, and I wonder if she was hoping I would stop her. You see, I told her that I'm studying psychology during the anamnesis. I was aware and very familiar with about 90 % of everything she was telling me about psychology, the brain, BPD and DBT. I couldn't decide if it was weirder to let her go on about things I know like the back of my hand or to stop her and tell her that she doesn't have to say all that. I decided to just nod through it. At one point during my anamnesis, she asked about how much I eat.

"Eeeeh, well, could be better, you know how it is."

She asked what that meant, if I could put the amount of food into a number. I assumed the anamnesis needed a number. She asked me if once a day would be correct. I said yes, which was a lie. I wasn't about to tell her that these days I go without food more often than not. Way more often than not.

"You must be really tired," she offered.

Nobody has ever said that to me before. I was tired. Most of these days I'm tired, fatigued, exhausted. So I told her that I was tired. And that the worst part was that I was well aware it was because of me not eating, but that I couldn't stop. And how I was aware of all the other effects it was having on my body, how annoying it is that all wounds take forever to heal because my body doesn't have enough protein and how I need to wear bandages because otherwise I keep scratching and opening the wounds again and then they take forever to heal again, rinse and repeat. I didn't have to say anything, she herself said that that's probably something we'll want to work on, and jotted it down.

I felt really elated because I was fully expecting her to ask the dreaded question "How can you be a man and have symptoms of an eating disorder?" or to say "Hmmm, so in my opinion you may have deluded yourself into thinking you are trans, but you actually just have an eating disorder." but she didn't do either of that. So um yeah.

[cystali]

So Jin Bu-yeon has finally regained her memories as Naksu and Naksu is back! you can tell she is different from her stance and facial expressions in certain scenes, which I reblogged a gifset about.

at first, at least for me, it was hard to tell if she truly remembered her life as Naksu or simply became aware that those memories were hers. I think part of that was because Naksu herself was in the midst of remembering a different life that didn't feel entirely like hers. then, she had her conversation with Jang Uk and it became clear that she certainly remembered and felt enough about their time together to try to save him from some pain.

even with her memories somewhat restored, it still felt different from the Naksu we knew through Mu-Deok's actress - partly because it's a different actress - and even different from the original Naksu scenes we saw in the first episode. That's because she has undergone so much growth, and she also experienced a backward kind of growth as Bu-yeon, who didn't remember all her trauma. it's hard to get a handle on exactly who she is yet with her experience as Bu-yeon as well as her memories of Jang Uk, Jin Mu, and the rest of her life.

So, back to my thing: at first, she seemed to retain a lot of emotional openness which I associated with her time as Bu-yeon, so I couldn't tell even in the scene with Jang Uk if she was truly back with her memories. She still doesn't tell him everything, obviously, but last season, she would pointedly try not to cry or clam up when he called her out on an emotion. This time she is crying openly and being as honest as she feels the situation allows. That threw me off.

Then, she talks to Jang Uk again, and the mixture of avoidance and affection made me go- Naksu??? but what solidified it was her reaction to Jin Mu's name and her actions at Cheonbugwan. The flashback to her father's death, the facial expression she wore as she walked through the entrance, the no-nonsense responses to Jin Mu's demand, and her somewhat edgy sentence to Lady Jin all point to her past self, and that is when I knew she was truly back in her own power. (sort of)

But then she goes into the prison!!! her lack of strategy going into that and also her running away from that wraith are different from what we know of her. She has a cunning mind and battle prowess even if she does not possess the physical strength to enact all of that skill. it was odd. Perhaps it's a response based on her time as Bu-yeon, perhaps it's the writers wanting another moment for Jang Uk to save her. Also, I don't particularly know what to do when a wraith comes at you and you have no weapon. that's a tough situation.

Regardless, seeing some of Naksu's traits return alongside some of her new ones was nice, and I hope the writers allow her to truly come back into herself with some battle scenes or coolness. I don't know if they will, and I am not sure how they are playing out her character for these last two episodes because her differences are throwing me a little. But it is still her, and besides the romance, Naksu's character is the most important part of the show for me. I'm glad she is back.

[unfortunate--moth]

Milgranon here (If I'm annoying you with the ask spam, please tell me btw, I can space out my asks more or something?)

I'm wondering how each Detective would react to the first interrogation.

Yuma - Extremely panicked and distracted at the start, doubly so because I bet Shinigami would be screaming bloody murder at Es the entire time they're talking, making it very hard for him to concentrate. I do think he'd adjust to the situation pretty well after the initial explanation though. I think the detectives would be in the order they are explored in the game, so I'd say he's prisoner 01, the first to be interrogated, and so extra paranoid because he would have no prior knowledge to go off. He is absolutely so dishonest about the entire thing, because his entire murder is to do with something that will kill him if he mentions. He's a pretty terrible liar though.

Halara - Curt and closed off the entire time. They seem to despise authority, so they'd be very unreceptive. That being said, I don't think they'd attack Es, even without knowing about the barrier. They'd probably be like "Well, I could beat up this one person, but who knows how many other guards there are?". They'd also know they have no chance of escape, at least this early on, so they wouldn't go so far as to piss Es off despite their unwillingness. I also think they would try and press Es themself for information, but back off there's any sign that it would negatively influence their situation.

Desuhiko - I've been teetering on whether or not he'd try to flirt with Es. It wouldn't be out of character for him, but also Es is 15 and I am God of this world so I say in this he doesn't. He'd be on the edge of tears almost immediately, and would probably be extremely open about most things bar the actual crime. Like he'd fully explain his connection to the rest of the detectives, but clam up immediately when it comes to the murder.

Fubuki - Very open, like extremely open and willing to talk about what happened. Would get extremely emotional and likely start crying about her accidental killing. She's friendly the whole time, she isn't a suck up, she doesn't insist Es choose one way or another. It's just a generally very easy interrogation and Es would probably get slightly annoyed at how easy it is.

Vivia - Very open about his killing, in the most apathetic sounding way possible. The killing I'm thinking for him was someone he really didn't care much about at all, so he'd be like "Yeah I killed this one person. They interrupted my peace and quiet. I want to die some day." Like he can also have a very deep, meaningful and impactful murder, but the one I envision is just so "meh" for him. He'd be so lazy and apathetic in his interrogation, I see him driving Es up the wall in irritation. He'd try to tactfully nudge into out of them, in subtle ways as well. He's still a detective and if he's not panicking, then his brain is fully functioning to try and break the hell out of here.

Yakou - If we use his canon murder, then I think he'd stay quiet, because he'd be worried about accidentally implicating at least Fubuki and Desuhiko in his crime by mentioning how they took part. He'd be friendly and cautious though, trying not to deny anything while also not implying or proving anything.

No worries!! It's not annoying at all, I really like talking about it! It doesn't bother me :]

these are all VERY good!! I think Es would be so so tired if they dealt with this bunch.

I think their relationship with the detectives would be a very interesting one. Es is only supposed to be a warden, but they also have to be a detective and a prosecutor. So that makes me wonder what the actual detectives would think about them.

I also think.. well bond isn't the right word, but they would feel at least a bit of solidarity with Yuma over both of them not having memories before any of this began. Es probably wouldn't give that information up easily, but maybe a few off hand comments lead to Yuma asking about it. Es definitely handles it better than Yuma, at least outwardly. they do have an identity crisis every other voice drama

And Es is the most similar to Halara, personality wise I think. But because of that I think it'd actually be harder for them to get along. They both have like... this kind of personality where they need to be the one in control of a situation or conversation. So it'd make their interrogations very shaky because they can't find a balance for their dynamic. Halara is hard to work with, and Es is hard to trust.

Desuhiko... Es would probably be the most fed up with him. I think Desuhiko wouldn't flirt. Maybe he attempts to just to 'butter them up' but Es cuts him off being like "I'm 15." and he shuts up immediately after that. Doesn't make him any easier to work with, at least in regards to his crime. BUT he's also helpful in that Es learns more about everyone's relationships through him. Still though, he's a real handful.

Yeah Fubuki would be the easiest to deal with, and Es would be conflicted because there's still the possibility of Fubuki being a Grade A liar. So they're on this middle ground of being like "finally someone whos not evasive" and "this could be a very huge lie". I also like to think that after that first interrogation with her Jackalope would be like "dear lord maybe taking her here was a bad idea" and hops away. Es isn't sure how to take that.

Vivia... Oh, Vivia. I think he would at first attempt to grab them. Mainly to see if Desuhiko saying they have a force field is true. I think if Vivia's interrogation was before Desuhiko's, he would've tried to at least restrain them. Like that energy he had in the lab with those peacekeepers. But once he confirms that information and realizes he really can't do anything, he behaves. Es would... not like him. Even if he's open about his murder, they would probably feel uneasy around him. Not even about his attempt at grabbing them, moreso just the way he speaks. He'd be straightforward about his murder, but he clouds pretty much everything else in mystery. And with how apathetic and neutral he is, it'd probably make them angry like you said.

And yeah, Yakou would probably be a bit strange to talk to. I think in terms of just conversing in general, he'd be one of the easiest for Es, but in terms of the case or anything/anyone surrounding it, he'd be very difficult. I think without the murder and prison stuff in play, he would see Es just as a 15 year old put in a strange position. Of course that wouldn't make him lower his guard, but it's just something that's weird to him. Like he feels like there's something to be uncovered. That said, he wouldn't voice those thoughts because that would get him a slap IMMEDIATELY. But I think they would have an equal amount of caution with each other which would usually lead to a stand still- at least in terms of talking about his murder. He's friendly, but the way he somehow manages to stay neutral to all of Es's questions would get them annoyed very quickly.

So all in all... A very difficult bunch of prisoners. Es needs a pay raise. If they even get paid. No idea what will happen to them after Milgram and that worries me ADJKHFAMDSF

but yes thank you sm for this ask... I love coming up with these things and talking about them!! you're always free to share more :]

[argu-collective]

Supper Club Series #001

Before heading over to the decaying heart of the East Village, I crushed a six pack of Modelo. I had to ease the nerves a bit, afterall, I had a huge part to play tonight. We had to tell everyone what the dinner party is really for, the club, ARGU.

I go over the main points in my mind; ARGU is counter culture. ARGU is trying to revitalize the youth and art scene in New York. ARGU picks things back up from a time we weren't from, yet crave. ARGU is the attempt at progress through revision.

I walk through the streets, passing a red cup of my final beer from hand to hand so that my fingers don't freeze off.

Black shirt and blue jeans, that’s the outfit I have on - my old reliable, it’s non-threatening. Before I’d left I promised I’d bring a few plates from my place so I brought about three in an orange tote bag. Anyway, I checked my phone when I got to Houston and Avenue B and picked my feet up when I realized that I was already 10 minutes late. In a blur I passed bars I’d forgotten about, restaurants I’ve had first and final dates at, and corner stores I’ve wandered into at all hours of the day and night of every season.

Once I finally arrived at the address on the invitation, (ADDRESS REDACTED), I called ARGU’s founder and one of my favorite people - Jah - because I misread the apartment number. She corrected me and I buzzed up. I walked in to music, conversations in flux, and food being prepared, all mediated by wine and good company.

As I let myself melt into the room and more guests started to arrive, it became extremely clear that we were in the process of achieving exactly what we wanted to with this dinner. We wanted to bring people together, we wanted to form connections, we wanted to make ARGU feel more real. After answering and asking the routine questions - “what’s your name?”, “what school do you go to?”, “what’s your major”, etc., it was off to the races for everyone there. It felt like something special was happening, some divine grand union of creativity, a masterclass in the human experience unfolding in front of my eyes. People talking about their passions, their projects, and perfect strangers bonding over mutual friends and shared experiences.

The meal was prepared over the course of an hour and a half, with bruschetta and a charcuterie board to start followed by steak and clams with linguini - utter ambrosia. The entire room was intoxicating, it was a petri dish of talented degenerates that had eager eyes set on each other and on the future. After eating a bit while observing the room, Jah came up to me in distress, “Marco.” she said, touching my arm. “Hey Jahdae!” “What do I say later?”

“Just tell them what you’d tell me. Everything we’ve talked about.” And she nodded yes. “Alright - you’re right. I’ll start the speech later. You have to finish it though.”

I say okay and turn around to roll my eyes and continue a conversation about something I don’t remember, but was probably about a bar or a restaurant or something like that.

There are little things that I disdain more than having to speak to a group of people and get them to emote. I’m cursed with being monotone, which is not helpful in getting a reaction from a crowd. But, I know that it’s for the greater good and is necessary for the growth of the club and the collective and blah blah blah yadda yadda I needed some more liquid courage to deal with this.

I got a glass of wine and I talked to Sami about her band, Jack about ketamine, McKayla about New York, Zay about my house party last week, and Masai about FIT. We took some photos of the night and one way or another wound up all sitting around the dinner table for the aforementioned speech to begin.

Thankfully it all went fine. I didn’t get a big reaction from my words but I wasn’t expecting one. Hopefully they were strong enough to evoke an internal spark in the group, though I’m not sure. Regardless, the night continued as it had gone, as time fell away and we all fell deeper into the night. We ate, we laughed, and all celebrated with Mike Dough as his single dropped at 12.

Eventually people started to find their way home, but not before embracing one another before leaving - people that before the night started were complete strangers that would walk by each other the street without a glance, strangers that if you’d met at a bar or a club you’d talk to and then disperse from without a trace. I hoped that those hugs were a sign that those experiences were not this. I hoped that ARGU could be a rarity of this city and isn’t something that’s disposable.

I hope we’re building something real

[M.M.]

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I may be getting back on my Raven bullshit. But maybe not because it's, believe it or not, tangential to where my mind is right now.

Long story short, I'm thinking about Dove Going to Therapy (let's be real. the girl Needs it) and trying to figure out who that therapist is that sees the mystics/etc. in canonical DC comics and browsing my "panels" tag because I SWEAR I reblogged it... except I keep getting distracted because that tag has a Lot of good panels in it.

Has lots of Raven, of course. Because it's my blog, why wouldn't it?

Longer version: I know in the last chapter of DDD (it's mostly written, just not Polished yet), Dove has this moment where she's like "I deserve how much this hurts, I don't deserve to be here with you guys, and I'm dangerous, so you need to send me away!" To which Robin basically replies, "This is the best place for you right now, and psych wards aren't qualified to handle demi-demons."

And, I mean. All the rest of DDD happens. Dove Desperately Needs Therapy. (I don't say that to disparage her; I say that out of compassion, because getting the right therapy does help you heal and move on from things and learn how to cope with trauma/anxiety/etc.)

Between the time of writing that scene (I think it was written when I was 19ish?) and now, I found out that there IS a psychologist (psychiatrist?) in DC (or maybe it was Vertigo?) canon comics that the pages show treating Zatanna. So like. Homo magi, massive amounts of power, danger and daring adventures, if someone could treat Zatanna, surely that someone could handle Dove? And the treatment room seems to be magical; maybe it could handle Dove's powers getting loose if the conversations turns Too Emotional?

I'm trying to figure out How That Works when she's an illegal immigrant with no social security number, and thus no health insurance, and also part demon and the other part is a mystical race that doesn't exist anymore? I'm definitely thinking too hard about the logistics here. But I want to figure out Who That Therapist Was so I can research if she's something I can add to Dove's canon.

As I mentioned on Dove's blog when I was headcanoning whether Dove would get Sieara certified as an Emotional Support Animal: I know that as a teenager, Dove wouldn't be comfortable at ALL talking to a stranger about her Problems^tm. If they tried to send her then, she'd just clam up and withdraw the whole time, and eventually fall silent and just be able to nod or shake her head. It wouldn't be productive at all. (Hence the final decision that even though Sieara functions as one, she wouldn't get the Official Letter. She'd never need it, anyways.)

But as an adult, I could see her being able to open up to someone eventually. It would certainly take a few sessions to build trust before they get into the Deep Down Stuff, but like. I think it usually does to get to the heart of the matters, let alone the Healing Parts. Maybe Srentha would go with her? Be in the room with her and everything? At least for the first few months. I imagine Raven might be willing, but would probably have to leave because of All the Emotions in that place. (Therapy can get... intense.)

But even though Srentha gets a job (temporarily) in adulthood, he and Dove don't exactly have secret identities. It would HAVE to be someone who can treat the hero population. With the extreme levels of dangers and emotions and the sheer mystical WEIRDNESS in Dove's life... and also, it would have to be someone she can talk to about her father being a demon and All the Issues that Come With That. And losing Azarath. Her mother's spells. Just, weird shit that a normal therapist probably doesn't know how to approach.

(Hell, none of my therapists have known how to approach my emet*phobia or dyscalculia. I've had to figure those out for myself. I can't imagine they'd have any idea how to tackle magic powers.)

....I can't seem to find the pages with Zatanna in therapy, actually, and now I'm doubting I've even reblogged them.