#She also said the name Roach is stupid but like his real name is stupid too

[eat-applez]

You ever just drawing and then your family member looks over your shoulder and says comments on your art and you get a literal heart attack and quickly switch the page you’re drawing on

beacuse that happens to me a lot

[bleghbleghladydeath]

JEFF AND JANE THE KILLER

TW: Blood, gore, knife, mentioned sexual abuse, stupid amounts of sugar (for anyone who might get grossed out by that). Please enjoy <3

The air around Jane made her shiver. Jane walked with a dignified but nervous stride through a trashed house. Roaches skittered around her black work boots. She held a flashlight in her hand and a gun in her other. She has a bullet proof vest on top of a black, long-sleeved shirt. She also has black military style pants. She breathed shallowly, dust flowing around her. Her long dark hair is up in a tight ponytail to keep it out her face. Jane could hear what sounded like someone choking. She came around a corner and sighed, her arms dropping to her sides. A man in a black suit was on his back, stomach cut open, he choked on his blood. Jane walked over and the man reached up, gagging. Jane rolled him onto his side so he can try to speak. She then noticed his throat is cut open. She stared. "Subject…subject 33098, he-.." the man vomited up blood, gagging and choking. Jane narrowed her black eyes.

"Who?" Jane asked. She pulled a notepad out one of her many pant pockets. "Subject 33098, he failed, we gave him to much-" the man started hacking up more blood. Jane froze when she heard something from somewhere else in the house. "Too much what? Liquid Hate?" Jane whispered. The man nodded, his neck squelching. "What happened? What is his real name?" Jane asked. "He became too much to cont-o-o-o-" the man coughed more, the light in his eyes starting to fade. Jane shook him. "You stay awake bastard, what's his name?" Jane asked. "J-Jee…" he went silent, and Jane cussed to herself, kicking his dead body. Jane looked around. She held up her gun and started to wander the house. She doesn't know if the man who did this is still here. Well, she was quite surprised when she rounded a corner and a fourteen-year-old boy was raiding the kitchen off all its candy and ice cream, covered in blood. He laughed happily as he made himself a bowl of ice cream that made Jane nauseous just looking at. He turned to pile some sour gummy worms on top when he saw Jane. He stared at her with unusually large black eyes. He blinked and Jane was suddenly reminded of an owl. She lowered her gun, and the boy shrugged, piling the gummy worms onto his sugar sundae. Jane looked around confused. Was this subject 33098? The boy then grabbed a spoon and started to eat his ice cream. "…Uh..are you the person who killed that man?" Jane asked. Jeff looked at her. "Who?" the boy asked. Jane frowned. "The man in the living room." Jane said. The boy's mouth made a o shape, and he nodded. "Yeah, you like it?" the boy asked. Jane glanced back into the living room at the man, his intestines slowly slipping out his stomach.

"…Uh..sure." Jane answered. The boy happily ate his food, a sweet smile on his face. Jane put her gun into her holster and walked over. The suddenly raised a very large, very sharp cooking knife, his long black hair swaying from the sudden movement. Jane stepped back. The boy set his knife down, continued his treat. "So, uh..are you..subject 33098?" Jane asked.

The suddenly dropped the bowl and Jane jumped at the sudden crashing sound, ice cream splattered everywhere and M&Ms rolled away. He looked at her with big eyes. "How do you know about that?" the boy snapped, suddenly aggressive. He grabbed his knife and Jane stepped back quickly. Eventually the boy walked her into a wall. "The man back there said it before he died." Jane said. The boy relaxed, stepping back.

"So, they didn't send you after me?" the boy asked. Jane shook her head, laughing darkly. "Hell no." Jane grumbled. The boy shuffled around. "Sorry.." he said. He looked back at the food everywhere. "..He said you failed." Jane said. Jeff looked at her. He does look off; his eyes are too big and he's skinnier than normal but maybe that's just from being a kid with no money only raiding kitchens of candy. The boy shuffled around. "They say that they gave me too much, but I don't know what." the boy said. Jane hummed. She walked over and the boy backed away, knife up.

"It's okay, I won't hurt you." Jane said. She reached out and carefully took the knife. She set it down on a counter. She then started to inspect the boy. His fingerprints are gone, just like her, burned off by acid, though, maybe they changed since she was experimented on, that was when she was only fifteen and currently, she's fifty-two. Jane then inspected the rest of the boy. She had him look around; his eyes are so large for his face. She then asked him to smile and was kinda shocked at the sight of the shark like teeth in his mouth and how wide he could smile.

"..Interesting.." Jane said. The boy stopped smiling and looked around. Jane then checked him. He is just malnourished. Jane then checked his hair. Just like everyone who got pumped with Liquid Hate. Unusually healthy and long and silky. It changed the very pattern of their DNA in many ways, messing with their hair type was one of them, it's like a physical uniform, white skin, black eyes and that straight, silky black hair. Though, the hair is fragile, it breaks easy and so split ends are common. But they don't have oil problems, dry hair issues, frizziness, nothing, just split ends. "What is your name dear?" Jabe asked. The boy watched as she messed with his hair. "Jeff." he said. Jane hummed. "How did you get experimented on?" Jane asked. Jeff thought silently. "My parents sold me to them, I think for a lot of money, my brother cried a lot." Jeff said. Jane fought back her immediate urge to break something. "I see." Jane said. Jeff was silent. "The guards did bad things to me.." Jeff said. Jane frowned. "Like what?" Jane asked. "They said since I belonged to the company now, they can do what they want to me, they had me touch them." Jeff said. Jane felt tears sting her eyes. It's gotten worse. Jeff looked around while Jane looked at him. "How much Liquid Hate did they put in you?" Jane asked. Jeff blinked. "..Is that what it is?" Jeff asked. Jane nodded. Jeff shrugged. "They supposed to put only a syringe in me but I think there was a communication issue, so I got three." Jeff said. Jane stared, horrified, those syringes are huge, and the needles, their made to go right down to the bone. "..That is..horrible." Jane said. Jeff shrugged. "It's okay, it hurt but I didn't mind." Jeff said. Jane sighed. Jeff is still in the mandated clothes from the base. A simple white shirt with the company logo and white pants with white grippy socks, they're now stained in blood. Jane hummed. "…Would you like to come with me?" Jane asked. Jeff looked around and stayed silent for a bit. He shrugged and Jane hummed. "..Well, if you live with me, you can get fresh clothes, and we might be able to find your brother." Jane said. Jeff perked up, his eyes somehow getting bigger. He nodded excitedly. Jane nodded and took Jeff with her out the house. Little did Jane know that she had taken in someone who would soon become her favorite little person in the world.

[br1ghtestlight]

zeke and jimmy jr are so fucking stupid. immediately a 10/10 episode just for tankbottoms (tank tops for your bottom™️)

THEYRE SO FUCKING STUPID THERES TEARS IN MY EYES..... if anybody ever hurts these boys ever in their lives i dont know what im going to do. probably cry about it

BABYYY ZEKE HES SO ADORABLE 😭😭💕 love how squished his face is. he's Three apples tall snd very very small

Hey guys :D love how she's dropped the "hey jimmy jr!!! ZEKE." thing and started being normal about greeting them. sorry we're not even a minute into the episode i just love these kids so much they're sooo sweet and so stupid. accurate middle schooler representation

jimmy jr and tina talking :') they're buddies. love that he's already explained this tankbottoms idea to tina and she Does Not Like It

HEY GENE BROWN EYES MENTION!!! always love to have rhat confirmed

oh that jimmy pesto impression is UNCANNY. aww why are they fighting they were sorta kinda becoming friends. not really but in my heart they were after the christmas episode and them racing cars together

"aahh im bored' oh so he's literally just gay? is that what this is?

JIMMY PESTO SAYING ITS BEEN SLOW AT HIS PLACE LATELY LMAO i wonder why that could be!! surely no real world events coincided with that happening!!!!

jimmy pesto is so stupid i missed him so much. i missed ur stupid stupid handsome face SO MUCH u idiot. kisses him

YOU GET ONE PACK OF RATS COVERED IN ROACHES 😭

love how he's Literally just trying to be friends with bob and bob is like. can you leave? could you please leave?? there's something going on here not even gay people have a word for. this is a brand new type of interaction

"our rats and roaches dont get along" "aah well you're lucky"

"right that was ALMOST a normal conversation but you're you soo you said that" *fart noise* "THATS YOU" why is jimmy literally the equivalent of a boy teasing a girl he has a crush on on the playground bcuz he likes her and doesnt know how to show it. what is their PROBLEM

aww louise reading the burobu magazine 🥺🥺💕 sorry this is relevant to a fanfic im working on. also love these new views of the playground thats also great to have (also for the same fanfic) (there's a lot going on in this fanfic)

jimmy jr is so fucking stupid and literally my baby boy. ACTUAL love of my life. he's so dumb <3

"teatherball? oh my god. another TB" there's literally zero braincells in that boys head this is already one of my favorite jimmy jr episodes. also zeke getting jealous that tina is spending time around a boy who hates zeke?? kinda cute. he liiiikes her :) i think he's also just terrified of will but i think he's also a little jealous maybe. zeke contains multitudes

"I just, uh, don't want to have fun... like that. With a bunch of balls in my mouth."

"Fine. Some people are just more open to new ideas."

presenting this conversation with no context. AND jimmy pesto being gay in the background bcuz of course he would be

okay well im already assuming this b plot is gonna go in the direction of jimmy pesto copying bob bcuz business has been slow for him and he thinks bob is generally a better cook so if he copies him maybe he'll get more business too. which is ADORABLE and reminds me so much of the christmas episode where jimmy pesto recommended bob's food bcuz it was so good. also if jimmy thinks that bob is copying his business FJDMDJFKDKDSJ reminds me of a past episode i cant remember the name of but like better.... bcuz they're gay and stupid

gene is a sweet boy <3 sweet song and moment. love that him and louise are just always hanging out together

ohh jimmy jr he's so sweet 😭 he loves zeke so much its adorable. i know there's nothing anybody could do or say to make him stop loving zeke or wanting to be his friend and its actually really cute. he's been great in this episode

"My sweet best friend. My sweet, sweet Zeke..."

love jimmy jr being just as heartbroken over somebody being mean to zeke as i am FJDMDJDKSKS he's literally DEVASTATED by this news. who would bully zeke he's literally a baby? just a baby boy??

"I don't like bullies. And I especially don't like them at our school. And in our sister's grade. I mean, what if he makes Tina pee and embarasses her? She's already fighting an uphill battle."

louise is both very sweet and protective and also VERY funny lmao SHES ALREADY FIGHTING AN UPHILL BATTLE

love jimmy jr louise and gene's dynamic in this episode. they care so much about their babies (zeke and tina) its cuuute

"i feel bad for zeke too but i just dont think aggression is the answer" coming from the kid who got his ass beat by a nine year old. on MULTIPLE occasions

love mort ordering the burger of the day like he has a gun pointed at his head FJDMDKDKSKSS also mort and teddy getting along!! yay!!!! big win for the tedmort shippers in the fandom

"Zeke... I just want you to know that I'm here for you and I care about you." when did jimmy jr get all emotionally mature??

WOLLY BULLY

"I get why you wouldn't want to tell me, because I'm one of the cool kids..." gonna need a citation for that one jimmy jr

if there's one thing louise is gonna do its ignore EVERYBODY telling her not to do something for revenge and do it anyway. like girl u gotta know when to let something go i know you're protective but FJDMSKSDKDK

"whats going on down there" dont even worry about it rudy

i love school episodes they're so silly. still a 50/50 chance zeke WAS the bully vs being bullied and this is a misunderstanding but either way this is very fun and i love seeing all the kids hanging out at recess and lunch etc

tina has had like three lines total in this episode where IS that girl

"i was the bully" yeah i figured since this episode still has half the runtime left and no other possible way this conflict could go LMAO but on that note its kinda sweet that he's made friends and a life for himself at wagstaff and he's not mean to kids anymore. he's a good kid in his heart & he always was

NOT THE APPLE JUICE 😭😭💔

not tina crushing on will in the background.... its not ur episode girl get outta here

"i can see that" rudy is there something you'd like to share with the class 🤨🏳️‍🌈

"SORRY me spraying juice on you wasn't bullying! That was just an accident." POOR GENE he's so worried about upsetting someone or hurting their feelings

BABY ZEKE COMPILATION TJIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR ME gonna need to screenshot this after bcuz he's so small. maybe the smallest boy in the whole entire world

"i was always the new kid and it wasn't easy making friends" 😭😭💕 AND NOW HE HAS TINA AND JIMMY JR GENE LOUISE RUDY and even tammy and jocelyn (kinda sorta) and he doesnt need to be nervous anymore..... he has a home and he's never going to leave. sorry brb im crying i love zeke and their littlr friend group so much

BETWEEN THAT AND MY IMPULSE CONTROL ISSUES I JUST STARTED WRESTLING KIDS sorry zeke is many things but he is NOT smart thats why him and jimmy jr are two peas in a pod. not a braincell between them

HE JUST HAD A LOT OF NERVOUS ENERGYYYY okay adhd zeke is literally canon now. to me. like i dont care what the episode says thats true now in my heart they basically said it

and then i kept trying to make them laugh :( zeke noo he's such a sweetheart and a good kid. he never had anybody who LIKED him before who really saw him for who he was until jimmy jr and their friend group. sobbing. I HAD A GROUP OF FRIENDS AND A NICKNAME IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT LIKE I REALLY BELONGED....... CRYING SOBBING THROWING UP ETC

ive been told i have the perfect neck for headlocks. okay thank you rudy

jimmy jr is soo emotionally mature and thoughtful in this episode. TINA WHAT ON EARTH R U DOING IN THIS EPISODE she didnt even react to zeke's story bro. its so over

like a little italian squirrel :)

"Linda's right, Bob. And my therapist would say that you should focus on your own happiness and not compare it to other people's."

"Your therapist is an IDIOT!"

"You take that back, Bob! Do not speak of Doctor Marjorie that way. That woman has put up with SO MUCH in her life! The balls haven't always rolled her way!"

😭😭??? this was so funny lmao. also love how casually teddy mentions his therapist (throughout the entire show!! she was mentioned in his first appearance) and how normalized it is. like yeah he has a therapist and he has mental health issues & trauma and its just something he casually mentions

also mort always talks about ordering the soup at bobs burgers but we've NEVER seen soup on the menu or anybody else eating soup there what is up with that?? does bob make the soup especially for mort??? what is going on there. so many unanswered questions

"Look I don't know what THIS is..." *gestures vaugely to bob and jimmy pesto* Thats literally exactly how i feel whenever i watch an episode with them now. i dont know what the hell is going on between them and quite frannkly thats none of my business!!!

"im not SHRIEKING!!!!" he shrieked

"Zeke! Listen. We've all done things we're not proud of. I used to tell Andy and Ollie that there was actually only one of them. It messed with them for weeks. The point is... we recognize our mistakes and we learn from them. It's how we grow."

ONE we got a big brother jimmy jr mention HELL YEAH‼️‼️ love him tormenting andy and ollie he's such a terrible big brother (affectionate) and TWO in my head this is kinda jimmy jr apologizing for how he's fucked over tina in the past?? maybe im literally delusional about them but him admitting he's done things he isnt proud of and that he's hurt people before. cmon. thats gotta be about tina right. just lie to me at this point

JIMMY JUNIOR LMAOO he's literally so silly in this episode im obsessed with him

WHAT THE HELL WILL??

did zeke make fun of will for being a dancer lmfao thats why he wanted jimmy junior to leave right. he doesnt want jj to hate him

HE MADE FUN OF MY LISP 😭😭 no thats literally actually worse bcuz jimmy junior's lisp is soo. god. but zeke loves jimmy jr so much i know he would never do that to him. he literally LOVES that boy so goddamn much

YOUR LIPS FJDMDDJDKDKDD THEY LOOK FINR TO ME. somebody needs to sedate me im gonna become a jimmy jr fan account after this episode

JIMMY JR NOOOOOOOO ZEKE LOVES U HES UR BEST FRIEND. if they stop being friends after this episode im killing myself. like it would be so over for me. couldnt live after that theyre besties. theyre BESTIES

imagining if this was jimmy jr instead of will and actually literally crying real tears over it

I DONT EVEN THINK I WANT TO DO TANKBOTTOMS WITH YOU ANYMORE. thats literally worse than divorce whats even the point

"I mean, a lot of people don't know this but I have a speech impediment."

"Huh."

"Really?"

"Ooh I never noticed..."

"Yeah. I worked through a lot of it but sometimes it still shows up."

love this dumbass autistic boy. he's my sweetheart angel i would die for him 1000 times over and over

I THOUGHT TINA WAS GONNA ASK ZEKE TO SHOW HIS BUTT SAYING "I mean you could...." i was like ooohkay tina sure. okay

aww bob is so smart. and cool

JIMMY JR HOLDING ZEKES BACKPACK FOR HIM sorry idk why i thought that was so cute. gonna need a screenshot of that

LOVE GENE AND LOUISES EXPRSSSIONS IN THIS SCENE sorry okay im paying attention to their gay little fight too ig

AWWW HAHA ZEKE IS SUCH AN OLDER BROTHER this scene is so cute. him teasing gene and louise <3

THIS EPISODE WAS SOO ADORABLE OMG i loved jimmy jr in this episode and his friendship with zeke. maybe my favorite episode this season?? its hard to say bcuz all of them have been so enjoyable and good but i love school setting episodes and zeke is such a good character. the subplot was also really good w/ jimmy pesto although i will NOT be letting bob forget what happened between them in the christmas episode and when he brought jimmy pesto his pain meds. he might forget but i will NOT. they were seriously for real gay there

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 13: ...O-OH?

it’s the night of the big stream. y/n uncovers a strange, albeit deep, bond with charlie. corpse interrupts her garden date with sykkuno quite unceremoniously. tensions are high as ever; proximity chat reveals internal monologues and stray thoughts. y/n’s “batshit insane” energy affects everyone. this is, quite literally, the best game of among us bretman has ever played.

─── corpse husband x reader, sykkuno x reader (if you squint, it’s very one sided)  ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 6.1k oops ─── ❥ reqs: sum people requested some interaction w bretman + jealous corpse + flirty sykkuno

author’s note: guys....GUYS WE’RE ON THE 3RD “OH” hope ur excited cus i am!!! this was rly fun to write, but then again, everything is better than writing an essay lmao! this is extremely chaotic and a bit seggsy but like a minuscule bit u wont even notice it i swear xx there’s not much social media in this one, mostly written lol. as always lmk wat u think n thank u for all ur kind words n sooo manyyyy ideassss!!! love u lots

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It’s happening, you think, picking the discreet, angelic white color for your astronaut - with a halo and all, truly, you are a seraph that stepped through the gates of heaven and descended onto earth to grace these morals with your presence...quite literally, you’re not only donning white in game, but also in real life, cute as a button or more like as a bunny. Cat girls are overrated - cat boys, on the other hand, you’ll ardently defend till your last breath - but bunny girls...Safe to say, your chat had been going feral. Your endless ego is fed well. You even swore on your heart that no devilish trickery would follow in this game - you had left your snake ways behind you.

No one believed you. The Roaches know you too fucking well.

The influx of new subs, however, do not. Look at this cute girl! She wouldn’t hurt a fly! You chuckle at the compliments. At the exact same moment, Rae pipes up on the discord call, “Y/n is leering and cackling evilly. No one trust her.”

Demon woman herself must be watching your stream before starting her own. You pout, all adorable and innocent, but your eyes gleam slyly. Truly, a mastermind of manipulation! Look at you go! The chat is swooning. The viewer number steadily climbs past 16K and you hum happily, welcoming all that decided to join your little clan, “Don’t listen to Rae. Wifey is mad because I said I’m not bringing her back a souvenir. Well guess what, bitch, I’m the gift.”

Your perfect image does not quite align with your tone, nor the affectionate nickname you call your roommate (bitch, not wifey). The new viewers are none the wiser though, just like your new stream mates.

There is laughter from people you don’t quite know. The lobby is almost full, but not everyone has trickled in yet.

“Filing divorce papers right now.” Rae mumbles, but you hear the smile in her voice. It makes you crack a grin, too. 

More hello’s and shy introductions to the people in the lobby. Sykkuno’s green astronaut pops in with a upbeat, “Hey, everyone! Hi, Y/n!” as his character circles around yours. A collective awww echoes in your stream chat as you, quite breathless at the wholesomeness, reply with a “Hi! Hi hi!” as well.

Corpse is next to join, mysteriously ominous. The discord call is pure chaos, everyone screaming over the other variations of his name while stressing different syllables. Silent as a grave, he just stands there, his black astronaut seemingly eyeing everyone in the lobby. 

Alas, when the noise dies down, he utters, “Whaddup, baby.” and it’s pandemonium all over again. You are screeching/laughing along with the rest. His astronaut swiftly glides to Sykkuno, still circling around you, “Hey, Sykkuno.” He says. The latter abruptly stops. The game hasn’t even started, and already - betrayal! Sykkuno starts circling around Corpse now, leaving you in the dust.

“Hey, dude!”

“Yo,” You interrupt, “I’m like here too, yeah?”

“Fight, fight, fight!” Pokimane jeers. You can’t see her, but you’re certain she’s pumping her fists in the air. 

“Let’s leave the bloodshed for the game, yeah?” Dream offers past her laugh ridden urging.

“No, fuck that, let’s start this shit right now,” Charlie declares - his monotone is strangely pleasant to the ear, and you lean back in your chair with a thoughtful hum. Something about his energy just clicks with yours instantly, but perhaps you’re judging too quickly- “Got my fucking knife ready to slit some throats. You can all pretend you aren’t ready to kill on sight, but that’s not me. I’ll teabag your dead fucking body.”

-yeah, no, your initial estimate had been correct! What a pleasant surprise, you feel like you and he will get along beautifully. 

“Way to be subtle, Charles.” Rae snorts.

“Subtle doesn’t make an interesting game, Rae,” He’s quick to bite back, “and if I’m Impostor, you bet your fucking ass I’m going after you first.”

“Noooooo!” She shrieks, rushing to your astronaut, which is still just standing there, abandoned, like the equivalent of that one emoji, “Y/n, protect me.”

“Of course, baby.” You purr. 

There’s mumbling in the discord call, though it’s barely audible. Corpse seems to be repeating the word to himself: Baby...Baby?...Baby...

“You’re gonna stab me in the back the first chance you get, won’t you?” She questions, already painfully aware of the answer.

“You know it!”

“Finally, someone that’s not fucking cowering in their boots and flaunting their real nature.” Charlie says, “Y/n, form a Big Dick Alliance with me.”

“Oh for sure, man.” You agree immediately, trailing to his in game figure, “Let’s show these virgins how it’s done.”

“This is going to be a mess, isn’t it?” Sean’s voice rings with a cheerful laugh, making you flustered. Yes, you’re actually playing with THE JacksepticeyeTM. You still haven’t fully wrapped your head around that part, “I’m very excited to see where this will go.”

“Nowhere good.” You say with unparalleled sincerity - every word you speak to him, the icon, the legend, the one of the few youtubers you actually actively follow, must be genuine. You doubt you can lie to him. He’s too good of a person. You admire him too much. Stuck between wanting to be a shady bitch and an absolute saint, you refrain from addressing him more - you are simply not worthy.

its the y/n trying to act like a normal person in front of jack for me

ikr she looks ready to join the monastery

each day we stray closer to gods light???

Your viewers are snide as always. Gosh, you love them.

The last player pops in, fashionably late, “Hey, y’all.”

“Hey, Bretman!” The call choruses somewhat harmoniously.

“Hi, daddy.” He’s speaking to Corpse now, a smile in his voice - you can hear it even past the static of his atrocious mic. Your eyes widen, eyebrows shooting up. Your friends are cackling, but confusion refrains you from doing the same - were you not the only one Corpse offered, seemingly so long ago!, to be his sugar baby? 

One betrayal after the other. You’re glad for the Big Dick Alliance. The name has a nice right to it, too. 

Corpse laughs, “...Hey, Bretman. How are you today?”

Damn, two sentences for him, but not even a word spoken to you!? You’re already scripting a very melodramatic paragraph you will text him after the stream. With poorly masked discontent, you mutter, “Wow, thanks for such a warm welcome, Corpse, my day’s going great, yeah, loving the company.”

“Now now miss girl,” Bretman chimes, “we can’t be all daddy’s favorite.”

“Careful,” Charlie drones, “I think you just got yourself onto Y/n’s shit list.”

“Right next to Corpse Husband and Valkyrae.” You agree, “Sykkuno!” You suddenly call him.

“Uhm-Uh-Yes?” Is his nervous reply.

“You’re safe.” You state coldly, “For now.”

“You are not going after Sykkuno on my watch.” It must be a belated holiday miracle because Corpse finally decides to address you. His words seem to awake something in him, “Hey-Hey-Hey-” He swiftly glides to you, standing right next to your minute virtuous angel, “When are you coming back to Cali?”

corpse stop acting weird challenge

literally omg lmao

he does bring up a good point y/n y u not in cali yet?!

^pack it up corpse simp he disrespected the queen when he didnt say hi

“Back off, buddy,” Charlie interjects, “this spot is for Big Dick Alliance members only.”

“I’m never returning.” You inform him, your voice cold like the Arctic snow, and the look in your eyes is no kinder. You feel like you’re having a stare down through screen. 

Silence stretches. Is this an intimidation tactic? Because if it is, it’s a paltry one. Your conviction to be petty is stronger than any vulnerability you might feel.

“Then I have nothing to say to you.” He admits and fucks right off with that. Fine, go join Sykkuno and Rae in their little corner of betrayal! Friendship ended with Corpse, now Charlie is your best friend.

“Okay, guys, guys, guys-” Toast, noting this is going to spiral any minute now, tries to catch their attention, “Let’s start?!”

You look into your camera, and the roaches know what you’re thinking. You’re twins like that, communicating telepathically. You are taking back your tender promise of not being a conniving bastard. It’s fucking on. You will destroy everyone in your path, starting with the guy you have a stupid crush on - maybe?! Feelings are confusing, you’d rather just not think point blank period.

With no objections from the cast, the counter ticks away seconds and, for the first round, you’re stuck as CREW MATE.

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Charlie is a gift. Truly, you had not expected such a sudden, wonderful relationship to bloom. How have you not known of him sooner?! It’s a crime that you hadn’t spoken to him earlier. You are a 100% certain if you had found him before you started streaming, he would’ve been a big inspiration. 

The two of you do your silly little tasks and curse like sailors, commenting about this and that thanks to proximity chat. You wouldn’t have been able to stand the claustrophobic silence if it was just a normal Among Us game - to think, missing out on all his foully worded quips! It almost springs a tear into your eye. He’s just as unhinged as you.

worried about this dynamic 

its a trainwreck lol i love it plz collab more plz

Caught in a headed discussion in Electrical - TikTok trends, or audios specifically - you defend the app the best you can. Charlie thinks it’s super cringe, and you insist it’s part of the charm as you connect wires.

“I mean, have...-do you know that one audio, the one that goes, like,” You’re spilling your words, heated, frustrated that he’s so dismissive of the app that literally saved 2020, “it goes like, uhm,” You clear your throat, prep your voice - even take a sip of your favorite drink. Drawing the syllables, you try your best to make it drop an octave - it must sound like you’re doing an atrociously bad and nauseatingly scratchy Corpse impression with an extra dramatic flair, “My assssssss, your cockkk, you do the mathhh.”

“Did-Did I just-” You freeze hearing Corpse’s voice, finally done with your task. Charlie is muffling his laughter behind his palm; Corpse’s astronaut stands in the doorway, “What the fuck did I just walk into?” He seems genuinely confused, though a strangely winded. You’re mortified. Your shoulders are shaking. You look at the stream chat but it’s going too fast for you to follow. Manic laughter bubbles in your chest and you squeeze your eyes shut, mouth split into a toothy grin, lowering your head and trying to hide the blush dusting your cheeks.

“Hey? Guys? What the fuck are you talking about?” He questions again.

“Honestly?” Charlie chimes, “No fucking clue. TikTok, I think. Ask Y/n.”

You can’t reply. You’re crying. You cover your face with your palms, muttering a soft oh my god before bursting into a full blow laugh, throwing your head back, the motion accidentally knocking your headphones off.

“Y/n.” Corpse calls you, “Fuck was that?”

You’re howling. Your stomach hurts. There are literal tears in your eyes. You think Charlie might be laughing too, but you can’t really tell over your loud screeching. Hastily fixing your headphones, you wipe away the tears stuck to your lower lashes, heaving, “S-Sorry, I-” You stutter, breaking into another fit of giggles. Corpse patiently waits you to calm down. Catching your breath, you start again with a sniffle, “TikTok, yeah.” You idly fix your hair, trying to bite down a smile, “It’s an audio.”

“What- What kind of videos are you watching?”

“The good kind.” Your reply is instant, merciless, “Also, why are you here? We’re having a BDA meeting, you know.”

“I-I...” He trails off, “I...I heard people talking and...I just came here to check it out, but...I’m regretting it.” There’s a lilt in his voice, and you know he doesn’t regret jack shit. You bet he’s smiling. You wish you could see it.

“Bitch, then leave!” You huff. You aren’t sure what is with him today, and you don’t want to stick around and find out - his playfulness makes your stomach flip at the most inappropriate times! Like when you’re trying to sound threatening. You must retreat posthaste, “No, wait, I’ll do it for you.” You say, brushing past his character. Charlie follows after you.

“Dude, you’re so fucking lucky neither of us are the Impostor because you’d be deader than I’ve been feeling since I was 10.” Your favorite companion comments. Charlie is truly a modern wordsmith. You’re pretty sure you adore him, because you’re nodding your head, so quick to agree with him that even you’re surprised. 

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

A meeting is called. You spare a glance at your fallen crew mates. They will be missed. Sean most of all, God, why does heaven always take the good ones?! The game feels emptier without him, even if you really only passed him once on your trek to Cafeteria with Charlie.

You may or may not have been avoiding him, afraid you’d accidentally say something horrible and he would hate you. It’s a silly fear, though a deep one. And with Charlie keeping you company, you had not uttered a single objectively  good, or even coherent, sentence. Your parents can’t watch this stream once it’s uploaded onto your Youtube channel. They know you’re barely keeping it together in most of your videos, but here, now? Yeah, no. Charlie is already hard to listen to on his own for sensitive viewers, and hearing you agree with literally everything he says with your own chaotic ideas? Your dad would stumble into an early grave.

Mom probably wouldn’t mind too much, but you’d have to explain your relationship status again. She is under the assumption that everyone you collab with is your significant other. You’d say it began with Sykkuno, though the exclamation of “Finally! My daughter isn’t pathetically single! We need to celebrate.” had started with Rae. Truly, a scandal.

Speaking of which, Sykkuno is gone, too, but you had time to mourn him already. You found his body roughly ten minutes ago; so torn with the fresh agony of heartbreak, you could not do anything else but cry. It was Charlie, bless his heart, that reported it.

“Someone killed Jack,” You say, voice dripping with venom, “court is now in session. I’m ready to vote the fucker out.”

People speak all at once. Toast roars over them, “ORDER! ODER IN COURT!” as he slams his hand onto his desk repeatedly. That seems to work, though briefly.

“I think it’s Y/n.” Corpse says. You stare at him, hand gripping your heart, mouth falling open in surprise.

flame him

corpse boutta be a corpse fr

beat his ass queen!!!!!

“Pardon my french,” You grumble, “but nani the fuck?!”

“It’s definitely Y/n, I found her and Charlie conspiring in Electrical. Surrealist experience of my fucking life, but it’s definitely her.”

“Dude, we’ve been over this,” Charlie sighs, shushing Rae who was about to comment something - knowing your luck, it was probably in favor of the man throwing you under the bus, “we would’ve snapped your fucking neck the moment you walked in. But we didn’t.”

“Yeah, we didn’t.” Corpse notes, “I said nothing about you, I’m just saying it’s definitely her. She probably didn’t kill in front of you because of your stupid alliance-”

“Someone sounds salty because he wasn’t invited.” Pokimane snickers.

“-or possibly she did tell you and you won’t betray her for the exact same reason.”

“That’s some big brain logic you pulled there, genius,” Charlie says, absolutely unimpressed, “sure you didn’t have an aneurysm trying to connect all of that together?”

“Well,” Rae pipes up, “Y/n and Charlie did say they will kill right before the game started. If you ask me, it’s not unbelievable. And Sykkuno was sorta on the shit list.”

“I’m writing down your name twice, Rachell.” You spit.

“Not helping your case at all, Y/n...” Dream worries, “And Rae makes a good point. Charlie and you have professed desire for murder. I’m just saying! It’s a bit suspicious, you know?”

The next words to leave Corpse’s lips sound incredibly smug, “See?” He drawls.  The pressure is getting to you - you don’t understand where this beguiling talent of his to convince literally everyone comes from, but it doesn’t inspire any confidence. Your fist suddenly feels incredibly lonely, so useless - oh, how you long to swing at him, “It’s definitely Y/n.”

“I dunno...” Toast mumbles.

“It’s Y/n.”

“Corpse-” You try, but he's ignoring you - shocker, as if he hadn’t been doing that from the very start of this stupid game - and chanting your name like it’s a fucking mantra or something, a smile in his voice, knowing, relishing in the fact that he’s grating on your nerves, “FIRST OF ALL,” You scream into the mic, successfully cutting him off; catching your breath, you exhale, and continue, calmly, lowly,  “get my pretty name out of your mouth.” 

There’s a pause full of tense silence. 

Then, there’s a sound, seemingly stuck in the back of his throat, “...O-Oh...?”

“Second of all,” You continue, words like honey dipped in arsenic, “This is the clearest smear campaign I have ever witnessed. By how hard you’re trying to frame me for fuck knows what reason, I’m led to believe it’s you that killed them. You’re the Impostor.”

“Corpse wouldn’t kill Sykkuno, though.” Rae comments, skeptical.

“Then the other Impostor did it.” You counter.

“Maybe you’re both Impostors.” Pokimane chirps.

“Y/n would never betray the Big Dick Alliance like that.” Charlie states.

You grin, “Charlie, I literally love you.” 

“Wait hold up now,” Corpse seems to get his bearings together, “what’s this about love I’m hearing?”

“I have none for you, dick.” You snap, flipping him off. Your chat cheers. While he can’t see it, you hope he senses it through the screen, “I officially hate you.”

“No, wait-”

“Boo, Corpse, you suck.” Toast laughs.

“Y/n, please-”

“Let’s all vote for Corpse Husband, okay?” You say it like it’s his full official name with an encouraging smile and multiple soft nods. Sykkuno can’t be here to nod, so you’ll do it for him. You eye the rapidly decreasing timer before clicking on Corpse’s figure and voting for him. The VOTED icon instantly pops up beside your adorable astronaut.

“Baby, I-” It slips past his lips so easily, as if he’s not even thinking about it, like it’s only natural to call you that and a spike of anxiety shoots up, making you glare. It’s only halfhearted. You try your best to ignore the rapid and uncoordinated pulses of your heart. Replace unwanted feelings with anger and hate - works like a charm, every time.

“You are not allowed to call me that.” You hiss. The chat spams snake emojis. 

“Wait-” Bretman chimes, “Hold up, y’all, slow down a minute. Why does Corpse never call me baby?”

“Yeah!” Pokimane agrees, “I want to be baby, too!”

Pokimane may not have been called baby, but you just single-handedly decided her nickname for her - Target 4. Welcome to the shit list, she is officially your public enemy number 1. You aren’t sure why the thought of Corpse ever referring to anyone else as baby makes you sick to your stomach (you actually do know why, but brain no think at the moment), but you wish this whole conversation never happened. You don’t like it.

20 seconds left. More VOTED icons appear by your friends. Corpse is the last one to cast his ballot at, you assume, you, as the rest wait for his quick explanation before everyone (or not) returns to the game, “...Because she’s my baby.”

Goodbye. Life had been sweet, and there was sorrow, though the amount of embarrassment you feel now is worse than when the internet found your cringe worthy high school pictures on your mom’s Facebook. It’s a mixture of dread and excitement - the pleasure of being noticed, cherished even, though anxious from vulnerability. Someone is screaming a very prolonged “WHAAAAT?!”, or maybe multiple people are, you aren’t sure, your ears start to hurt from the loud, conflicting cacophony of voices as you stare blankly at the screen. You received two votes, just like Corpse, Charlie got one, the rest skipped. With no one flung out, you all find yourself back in Cafeteria again.

Baby. My baby? My baby. My baby. The sentence is playing ping-pong in your mind, reverberating louder each time. You’re actually speechless for the first time in your life; your chest hurts, your heart beating so fast your hands start shaking. Had he meant it? Or was this a some joke? Was he trying to get a rise out of you again? You might just go insane from so many questions. My baby. Holy shit, this is a heart attack, this is what a heart attack feels like, dear God, you figured you at least had ten years before you get one!

  ✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

First round ends with IMPOSTORS raining victorious. Your sixth sense had been working wonders since, true to you previous estimate, it had been Corpse. His companion was Pokimane. For absolutely no reason what’s so ever, you change her name once more from Target 4 to Target 1. Normally, you’re all for girls supporting girls. Men don’t deserve anything, really, but now you’re so flustered and still reeling from what you are 80% sure was cardiac arrest that you genuinely don’t care about your established morals.

Round two starts without much deliberation. You get CREW MATE again; the game must sense your growing bloodlust, making sure that once you do get IMPOSTOR, you will not hold back. True power is granted to those who are ready and strong enough to wield it. You wait for your moment with bated breath.

Charlie is taken from you too early. The two of you were once again caught in a discussion - God knows about what, Minecraft, hentai, oh! your server! - as you tried to card swipe for the umpteenth time. The lights blew out and you just knew one of you was getting murdered there and then. Charlie’s voice abruptly cut off, and you think a part of you died with him.

It’s a cold meeting; with your new best friend being the first to go, everyone decides to skip. You proclaim you seek vengeance. When the meeting comes to an end, Sykkuno is the first to offer his condolences.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” He says, and while he’s not in Brooklyn, you somehow feel him patting your back. You feign a sniffle.

“There’s nothing to apologize for...” You murmur sadly, “Unless...” Your voice turns sharp as the knife that was surely twisted into Charlie’s back, “It was you?”

“NO!” He exclaims, “I would never-you gotta believe me! I would never kill him. I know he’s important to you. I wouldn’t do that, I swear.”

“He was like a brother to me.” You admit, solemn, “Charlie, if you’re haunting me right now, know I will avenge you. I will not let this go.”

Sykkuno hums, circling around you, “Hey, I have a task in Greenhouse. Would you, uh--Would like to, uhm, join me?” Despite the shaky start, he finishes on a firm, pleasant note. He’s trying to cheer you up. Having lost your closest friend, he’s offering you his company. You accept with a soft smile and a cute “Yes, please!” and he releases an airy little laugh. The two of you make your way to your favorite place in map MIRA.

It’s difficult to stay sad for long when Sykkuno’s so sweet; the atmosphere of the Greenhouse is strangely calming; your problems seem to be left behind the shut doors. If you tried hard enough, you could imagine being in an actual Greenhouse - the warm, damp air clinging to your skin, the unmistakable smell of earth and vegetation, the pleasant silence broken only by yours and his hushed voices and clumsy footsteps.

The two of you are talking. Mainly about your choice of attire. Cat first, Sykkuno ponders aloud, doing his task as you watch the plants grow, now bunny, what’s next? You affirm that you will most likely dress up in cow-print next, or as an adorable sheep. He laughs, admitting you’ll look good in anything before he trails off. His awkwardness is really endearing. 

“Or!” You chirp happily, content with being locked away with him for the whole game. The idea must be playing in his mind, too, because he seems in no rush to leave, “I could, like, dress as someone from My Hero Academia. I watched the stream you did with Stella, the one where she made you look like Todoroki. It was really cute. You were really cute.”

“Oh, uhm-well, uh, thank you, thanks, I, uhm-” He clears his throat, and despite his stutter, you hear the smile in his voice, “I-I think you’d look better, though. Not as Todoroki. Or, probably as Todoroki, too. But, uhm, what character are you thinking about?”

“Maybe Momo?”

“Momo!” He yeps, “Momo is good. Yeah, she’s great. You’ll-uhm-you’ll look amazing. Really. Momo is awesome. Very pretty. Just like you.”

You are blushing. A stupid, toothy grin makes your cheeks hurt. Your eyes flicker to the chat, but again, it’s going wild. Giggling, you thank him for his sweet words, so giddy it’s honestly embarrassing. Why can’t you stop smiling? This is incriminating. You hide your lips behind your palm.

“...What’s this?” Corpse question. You had failed to note his sudden appearance, too busy gushing. “Am I interrupting?”

“Hey, Corpse!” Sykkuno greets. For someone so awkward and shy, he sure is good at hiding it when he wants to. Perhaps it’s all an act and you had been deviously tricked! Probably not, but you can’t help but narrow your eyes suspiciously, finally able to calm down. You definitely underestimated him, you just haven’t figured out how yet, “Not really! Y/n was sad Charlie died so I took her here.”

“You interrupted our date, dipshit.” You deadpan. 

“...Fuck you say?” Corpse dares, his voice low and somewhat menacing - for someone who exclusively portrays his emotions through only his voice, he’s incredibly hard to read. This is payback. Your love for wreaking havoc resurfaces suddenly. Serves him right for pulling all this ignoring shit at the start. Maybe you’ll make him say oh again.

Your sly smirk is promptly wiped. Fuck. He said oh, he literally said oh out loud. The Teruhashi fangirl in you is screaming. You had been so caught up in defending yourself you didn’t even register it at first. Alarmed, you look at the camera, then at the chat. First oh, then my baby. There’s no way he had been teasing you, and this proves it. Holy shit. You mouth the words “HE SAID OH!” for your audience only.

now she notices

snail pace baby we’ve been loosing our shit for the past hour 

corpse x y/n saikik au enemies to lovers 500k words slow burn im here for it

opening wattpad rn^

Your heart races in your chest - it might be considered an Olympic medalist at this point; flustered yet again, you wish you could cave into yourself. You should’ve brought your bright blue wig with you to Brooklyn. Turns out it would have been perfect for this stream. Yes, yes thinking about unnecessary details always works in distracting you from the butterflies throwing a fucking rave in your stomach. 

“I guess it is a date!” Sykkuno admits, “Kinda after a funeral, but still.”

Corpse hums. You’re still too stunned to say anything. The black astronaut with adorable cat ears approaches Sykkuno. 

“It’s not.” He states. Your mouth falls open in shock as your date, your companion, the Shoto to your Momo is murdered in cold blood right in front of you. His lifeless body, cut in half, lays on the tiles by the growing flowers, right beside you, “You didn’t see shit.”

“...I didn’t see shit.” Is all you can utter, breathless and terrified.

“Thaaaat’s fucking right, baby.” Corpse coos, “Now I’m gonna report it, and I’ll say we found Sykkuno together. Better stick close to me after the meeting, got it?”

If Sykkuno is Shoto, then Corpse is definitely Dabi. 

why is that kinda hot tho omg

didn’t know i needed dom corpse since now but i do

y/n looks like shes boutta throw up lmao 

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You follow him around like a lost puppy - because what else is left for you to do!? You’re helpless in this situation. He’s got you in the palm of his hand, successfully eliminating everyone you had previously interacted with. First it was Charlie, then Sykkuno, even Sean, who said hello in passing, was shot instantly. Real Sangwoo behavior. You almost want to scream warnings at everyone to not approach you. You cannot mourn another lost crew mate, you don’t think your conscience can take it. But words fail to form. You’re too weak. You fake cry to your audience. They’re quick to remind you to stop acting like a little bitch.

“Mean.” Is all you say, eyeing the comments.

“Hm?”

“Was talking to the roaches.”

“What are they saying?”

“That I should betray you.”

“...Better not.”

A shiver shoots up your spine and you half believe he will bust down your door and drag you into his basement for real. A nervous laugh slips past your lips, “I won’t, I won’t.” You reassure him, “Don’t worry, I’m sticking with you. I haven’t seen shit.”

“I like that you listen to me. You always this agreeable?”

“You’re kinda not giving me a choice right now.” You grumble, vending yourself a drink while he looms behind you, protecting you. From who?! Himself?!

“Oh my fucking God, finally,” Bretman exclaims, “girl, I’ve been running around the whole map trynna find someone, is everyone like, dead?”

You’re scared to reply. Corpse does it for you, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe? Not sure. Where have you been?”

“Oh you know,” Bretman grins, “doing tasks, talking shit, the usual. You two are not, like, Impostors right?”

You shoot a look at Corpse, but he obviously can’t see it. Biting your lip, you murmur, “Nope.”

“Just your regular crew mates doing regular crew mate things.” Corpse says, no, purrs. Because that’s not suspicious at all. You’d recommend Bretman to run, and not only because that sounded shady as fuck. But he seems to enjoy danger, or he just doesn’t care.

“Hmmmm, crew mates, sure. Miss girl Y/n,” He’s addressing you now; you smile anxiously, “How come every time I see you, you’re with a different man?! Like damn, leave some for the rest of us, for real!”

You like Bretman. You like his high-pitched whine and drawl. You would like him even more if not for the complex situation at hand. You fear for his life. Chewing at your bottom lip, you snicker, “Sorry, Bret. I can leave you Corpse if you want?”

He laughs, “Girl, I’d say yes so fucking quick, but I know he wouldn’t want that. Normally I wouldn’t care, but y’all are such a cute couple it’s making me not want to be a shady motherfucking bitch. Changing my ways, embracing the lord. Love it.”

 Corpse doesn’t correct him that you are, in fact, not dating. His lack of reaction unnerves you slightly. Does he...? No! No think! Only exist! You catch that train of thought and steer it away from forbidden territory. Looks like it’s up to you to clear the air, and that is exactly what you do after trying to swallow down the lump in your throat, “Uh, we’re not together, actually. We’re just really good friends.”

“Bitch, then move over,” Bretman says snappily,”go like, back to your other boyfriends. Or find another one. I think I saw Dream near Navigation.”

“Near Navigation, huh?” Corpse hums thoughtfully. It’s a subtle warning, but you catch it. Yeah, even if you try running, Dream’s going to join your other ‘boyfriends’ in the afterlife. Granted, killing someone by just talking with them is kind of cool. Or maybe Stockholm Syndrome is finally kicking in, “Bret, the thing is, Y/n’s scared of dying, so she asked me to stay with her.”

It’s disturbing how good at lying he is. It is also really really attractive, as bizarre as that is.

y/n stop being in a toxic relationship with corpse challenge

making fanart of this omg her face

its the blushing for me girl get your head outta the gutter!

^she cant, it lives there

“Baby, you’re gonna fucking die if you stick with her,” Bretman points out, “have you noticed the mortality rate of her partners? Rest in peace, daddy.”

“He’s right, you know.” You mutter, dramatically looking to the side, “I’m no good, Corpse.”

“Not leaving you, end of discussion. Bretman, join us?” Corpse offers, catching you by surprise. He might still be lying, though. Creating a false sense of security before eliminating Bretman. Probably would laugh while doing it, too. Wow, he truly is evil.

Turns out he doesn’t have to do any of that, because when Dream strolls into Cafeteria, he kills Bretman instead. The two Impostors are finally revealed. You promised not to snitch on Corpse, but you didn’t say shit about not exposing Dream. You press the REPORT button and say just that: “Dream just murdered Bret right in front of me and Corpse.”

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The last meeting is called. Dream had been voted out with the help of Corpse, and now only you, he, and Rae remain.

“Baby, you know what to do.”

The VOTED icon pops up beside Corpse’s astronaut. Rae wheezes, “No! Y/n, it’s not me, you gotta believe me, I swear it’s not me!”

“...I really don’t know,” You murmur, “I’ve been with Corpse a lot, and...Rae, I’m not sure...”

“Please! I swear it on my Kagayama cardboard cut out, I’m not the Impostor, please! You know me, I’d never lie to you like this.”

“She’s definitely lying.” Corpse says, sounding pleased.

“Don’t listen to him! Remember, during the first round, when he tried to convince us that you were the Impostor? He’s doing the same shit to me!”

“I also remember you agreeing with him.” You remind her.

“I was stupid! Small dumb brain moment! He was using us to win! He’s using you right now!” She votes, “Please, Y/n, make the right choice.”

You’re silent for a moment.

“I’m gonna...I’m gonna vote for who I think it is.” You lastly say.

A slow, lazy grin makes it’s way onto your lips, eyes gleaming mischievously. You had not forgotten your promise to your brother from another mother, you had not forgotten the pride of the BDA, you had not forgotten your beautiful friendship. Two miniature astronauts pop up by Corpse’s at the exact moment Rae screeches “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!”

“Fuck.” Is all Corpse says with a laugh.

The screen changes, informing of the first CREW MATE victory.

Your ears are assaulted with different voices as you appear in the lobby.

“Now that’s what I’m fucking talking about.” Charlie raves, “I swear to fucking God, Y/n, you even got me going for a second. Pulled some 1000 IQ shit right there. It was fucking amazing. Best back stabbing I’ve seen in a while, and I’ve seen a lot.”

“That was absolutely fantastic, Y/n.” Sean applauds, “I really thought you joined Corpse like some crew mate accomplice or something. Can’t believe you switched on him at the last second.”

“That’s my wifey!” Rae cheers, strolling to you, “Love you, mwah.”

“Hey, Corpse,” Charlie calls him, “How does it feel to be a fucking loser?”

“I’m surprisingly fine with it.”

yeah he would be lmao

mom is the best snake ever i love you sm y/n

rae and y/n’s friendship....the feeeeeels

As the rest sing your praises for another solid minute or two, the third round begins. CREW MATE again. Though, just because you’re stuck as an underpaid worker in a dying spaceship, it doesn’t mean you’re innocent. Your last round proved that quite well. You can’t help but silently snicker.

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

TAGLIST IS CLOSED!

tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @bingusmode - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury--moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[thatbrownb1tch]

Edit:

Okay wait so someone asked for this but I can’t find their question anymore but I’m still posting this. Also this is my first fanfic so I’m sorry if it’s trash. If you guys have any advice it’d be really helpful and appreciated. I’m not the best with smut but I am willing to go a lot more deeper than what I did in this

Summary:

Set after TWK, Jude moves on and spends 5 years in the mortal world. She ends up getting married but the land is dying in Elfhame so Cardan kidnaps her.

Cardan

“Your majesty,” a soft voice entered the throne room. I looked up to find a human servant standing there, quivering.

“Yes?” I asked louder than I intended.

She jumped a little, “the court of Shadows are requesting an audience with you.”

“When?” What do they need. The last time they were here, they made it very clear that they weren’t happy about how I’m okay with Jude stay away for so long.

“Right now would be better,” The girl was skinny, not slim like Faerys but sickly skinny. Something that no mortal should look like, yet every single human I’d seen looked exactly like that except for two.

“Alright, send them in.” They entered silently without saying a word, “So are you planning to talk?” I broke the silence.

“Yes,” The roach began but he was cut off.

“You have to get her back. Look at Elfhame, it’s failing without her. The land is dead, no plants are growing. We’ll all die off if you don’t find a new bride or get her back,” The bomb blurted.

“I don’t know who you are talking about,” My eyes narrowed. I didn’t like how they figured out that Jude truly did become my wife.

“Drop the act. We figured it out and you have to go get her back. Your majesty,” The roach added.

“She stayed away for 5 years. I doubt she’s willing to come back any time soon unless I bring her here without her will,” I realized what they wanted me to do the second the words left my mouth. My expression must’ve given me away because the pair suddenly looked satisfied.

“Great, so go get her now,” The bomb clasped her hands excitedly while the Roach led them outside.

Jude

“Honey?” I called out to Thomas. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, just there’s someone here-“ I heard a loud noise and then Thomas groan. I was up before I knew it and my feet led me straight to the kitchen where I picked up a knife. It wasn’t very sharp but whatever out there wasn’t very sharp to attack at the front door step. People were always outside in the neighborhood, if anyone did anything outside their house it would spread like wildfire. I walked towards the front door to see a cloaked figure standing with my husband inside. The door was locked so no one saw anything.

“Thomas?” I slowly walked over to him with my grip on the knife fastening.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” He said as he stiffened. His arm went around my waist quickly as the man approached us.

“Who are you?” You could hear the fear in my voice but something about this person was familiar. As if I’ve seen him before but I couldn’t place my finger on it with the hood covering his face. He took another step towards me and before I knew what I was doing my hand were pushing the hood down while the knife was pressed against his stomach. I think my eyes are deceiving me. There’s no way he’s here standing in front of me, the shock still doesn’t leave me as he pushes me away and goes towards Thomas. Memories flash between my eyes, how Madoc swung his sword and killed my mother and father in front of me. How their life less bodies were on the floor as Vivi, Taryn, and I were forced to leave and go to that wretched place which broke me in so many ways. I stood there as I watched the same man chock my husband to death like he did to my parents years ago. I watched how he picked Thomas up by the throat and looked straight into my eyes. I could hear Thomas’s shouts but I couldn’t bear to move. Get out of here! Jude! Go! Jude! Leave! Run Jude! I staggered back to the front door but I heard Thomas fighting for his life. I can’t just run, I needed to save him. Save my husband and save this life I’ve created for myself. One where I got to live a happy life, one where I didn’t need to be scared every second of the day. I took a step forward to him.

“Take me, please. Leave him. Take me,” I pleaded. If one of us deserved to be taken by him it was me. Madoc released Thomas and turned on his heels as fast as he could. He grabbed my arm as he began to pull me with him outside where hopefully someone would see us. But somehow, not one person was outside, it was just me strangling underneath the grasp of the man who just attempted to kill my husband.

“No!” I heard Thomas yell from inside but we were too far away from him by the time he opened the door.

I woke on a bed, a familiar one that I haven’t seen in a very long time. I woke up to a man sitting in the chair next to me. But not just any man. He was my husband, my true husband.

“Jude,” He breathed.

“Why?” It was the only thing that I could say. Why did he need to ruin it for me? Every single good thing has always been ruined by him. It’s as if he swore to ruin my life for centuries, as long as I’m alive.

“What?”

“I was happy.”

“I know, but I wasn’t,” His eyes softened at my gaze.

“What is your problem? You banished me. I had a happy life with a man I loved,” I never told Thomas I actually loved him because the truth is, I cared about him but not in the way I should’ve. He was more like a best friend to me than a husband but I never did tell him that. We had fights about it too, he always said I never thought of him as a husband but I never confirmed it. He never could see through my lies like Cardan could, it gave me an advantage. I lied about the stupidest things but Thomas always believed me. He always believed me about eh stupid ta things m, even ones where you could see through my lies. He lashed said it’s because we’re in a trusting relationship but I think he just loved me too much to fight with me.

“How I’ve missed your lies,” Cardan always knew when I lied.

“I did not miss you at all,” I wanted to make it clear that I’m not happy about what happened.”

“I know you didn’t. But the land did, Jude, everything is dying off. You have to come back, please.”

“I am back.”

“No, given any chance you’ll just run again, you won’t stay with me. You’ll run away again. Please, stay,” His pleads were nice to hear.

“I hate you. Cardan Greenbriar I will always hate you and don’t you ever think I’ll change my mind because I hate you and will always hate you,” I wanted this to be the truth so badly yet deep down I knew this was a lie.

“Fine, divorce me then. We don’t need to tell anyone but the land is dying with the Queen being gone. The land can be great with just one ruler,” He said disappointed.

“Fine. Just know that I will never love you again,” Once more a lie was said. The real truth was I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he was in my head 24/7.

“I’ll try,” He said as he leaned in closely. There was barely any room in between of his as his lips grazed mine. I could feel his hunger, I wanted it as much as he did in spite of everything I just said. He waited for a second before pressing his lips harder on mine. I could feel it deepening while he moved so he was now on top of me. I was under him, vulnerable, not ready yet. I could tell this was what I was waiting for. For 5 years this was all that I wanted.

“I hate you,” I gasped as he entered me with no warning. I couldn’t tell when he got his pants off, but more than that when I was changed into a night gown and had no underwear on. He thrusted into me as I moaned out his name. We became one, like we did all those years ago. I hate him so much but what I hate even more, is how much I’ve wanted this.

“How I’ve missed you,” He said as he fell over next to me on the bed. “So you’ll stay?” I can’t believe that he was still thinking about this.

“After you kidnapped me and tried to kill my husband?” We all knew who my real husband was but it still didn’t mean he could just ruin a life I built.

“You didn’t even love him.” He always could look through me, “Jude, please, stay.”

“Fine, but promise me I can leave any time I want to,” I want a plan b. One where I can run to Vivi, one where I won’t need to go to Taryn or Madoc.

“I promise, you may leave whenever you desire.”

“Thank you, and I have a question,” I had many but this one, I had for a while.

“Yes?”

“Why did Madoc kidnap me?”

“Everyone else was too scared. Most thought they’d die,” He laughed a little.

“And by everyone, you mean you?” I too know a little about Cardan.

“Ah,” He made eye contact with me, “what type of husband would I be if I wasn’t scared of my wife?”

“A bad one, I’d say,” If I knew anything about Faery couples, it’d be that the man always had the upper hand. But, I think we’ve made it clear that we will always fight for it, “I will always be in control.”

“Unless we’re in the bedroom,” I could feel his smirk.

“Shut up,” now I’m laughing and soon Cardan’s joined. We lay there for a very long time. I don’t know when but we fall asleep, and I have the best night of sleep I’ve had in 5 years.

Outside the walls of the palace, the sky is somehow more blue while the grass has become greener. Flowers grew while plants took over. Trees stood tall again while they filled up the once dull forest. Elfhame became lush and green once more, the best it’s looked in the last 5 years. No one acted as if anything was different but everyone knew, the high king’s bride has returned. He’s finally feeling how he felt all those years ago with the love of his life. The one who somehow brightened up his day with just a glimpse of her face. The one who he stared at as if she was the sun, lighting up eternal darkness. The one who made him feel alive again and again with each laugh that left her. Each smile and giggle that rarely showed up. How he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with the girl who meant everything to him.

[jellicle-jemmy]

So I wrote this a little over two years ago. They are my first thoughts in watching CATS (2019)

This was written basically as soon as I got home from the theatre in 2019. I truly hope you enjoy these, as they have been gathering dust in my drafts. Now, without further ado:

These are just some of my thoughts I had while watching and my initial reaction to the film I have just watched.

Okay, first of all, me and my pals thought we were in the wrong cinema for a couple minutes because there were faaaaar too many people in the cinema

Overture:

As we all know, the music slaps and me and my pals were straight vibing as the camera panned down. 

And then the cats appeared. I legit was thinking, “wow they actually made them look like that, huh?”

I immediately identified Munk, Cass, Dem and Syllabub

SPIDER MUNK! SPIDER MUNK! DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER MUNK DOES!

fr tho why did he climb down that wall like that that’s not how cats work

Why are they surrounding her like that?? ARE THEY SUMMONING A DEMON WTF?? I’M SO DIZZY

[Victoria appears] Oh look it’s a babey

I took a forty, smashed in on the ground and yelled SCATTER

Jellicle Songs For Jellicle Cats

Laurie Davidson is babey 

This isn’t too bad. I like the way that this number is being handled so far

AAaaaaaaaand now it’s funky town WTF

The music just went rachachacha on us

Munk really be out here straight vibing throughout the whole song

I do like how he’s kind of leading the whole numberits fun to watch

As always, there’s my babey Syllabub

We need to talk about the feet. Or maybe we shouldn’t. Yeah let’s not.

What is with the clapping in the music? Who is clapping? The cats aren’t. The audience certainly isnt. ( @whatsajinglebellcat said “It’s the clap of their ass cheeks as they’re dancing”)

The choreography is mediocre at best, I really dislike Andy’s choreography, why are they like that?????

Francesca Hayward is babey

How is Syllabub able to hang from that position wtf, surely that hurts

Robbie Fairchild as Munk is both daddy and babey (i’m said it I’m not sorry)

The jellicles seem to be having fun at least which is nice

Macavity Dialogue Bit

That Moriarty reference flashing into a wanted poster for Macavity is beautiful thank you so much to whoever pitched that and implemented that

Ooooo Macavity already sounds interesting

Once again, Laurie Davidson as Misto is babey

Demeter and Cassandra, why are you such bitches? Dear lord

The Naming of Cats // Invitation to the Jellicle Ball

Ngl I actually really like this bit

Deadass seems like a cult initiation but we’ve long ago established that the Jellicle tribe is a cult anyway

Munkustrap ur doing so good sweetie

Victoria darling u are one in the babey club

As always, there is Syllabub straight vibing

Mr Strap, Munk that is a child, why are you dancing with her like that?!

Francesca is a stunning wonderful dancer but she should’ve been dancing by herself more

Mr Mistofelees you are such babey ur so cute darling, he’s doing so good

Munk why did you have to sing your bit and then restate it while talking we’re not stupid!

oh wait.

a lot of people still don’t get the plot

carry on, and maybe say it again

The Old Gumbie Cat (Coming from someone who has played Jennyanydots)

no

no no

no no no

no no nope not happening no

no way

don’t like that at all

why is she doing that

why does she sound like that

Munk ur doing so good but why

Why is she spreading eagle like that

why do the mice look like that

why do the roaches look like that

WHY DID SHE UNZIP HERSELF DEAR GOD MY EYES

NO FUNNY FAT CAT BOING BOING 

The Rum Tum Tugger

ooooo... this... is alright

actually

hold up

wait

why is this actually good

awww Jenny and Munk are so cute i’m glad they did munk and jenny’s friendship

Damn Tugger is fun

Okay, why is he reacting to Vic that way

Who cares this slaps

Jason Derulo was a good Rum Tum Tugger choice there I said it

Oh my god i actually love his voice

Syllabub = babey

dear god Jenny that comment about Tugger and being neutered isn’t very in character but I cackled

Jenny sweetie pls don’t try and breakdance

Okay the milk is fucking weird

this is weird

okay nvmind it’s good again

Tugger really be feeling himself in those riffs. and so he should

Grizabella The Glamour Cat

This is well handled

I really like how Griz sang her bit to the curious Victoria

I love that not everyone realised Griz was there right away

Of course, that is 

oooo Cass and Dem are feisty 

Deadass Cass seems like Grizabella’s child??!!!

Oh my god they look like the Jets or the Sharks are they about to start clicking????!!!!

Gang gang

Once again - syllabub, i see you and i love you

Dialogue Interlude

Griz went of with Maccy Boi huh?

Macavity you fuckin’ bitch

I barely remember what happened but that transition into Bustopher Jones really doesn’t fit

I think Bustopher and Jenny had a fight? Umm? Why?

Bustopher Jones

I had a real trouble keeping an eye on whats going on in this number

Why are all his ‘clubs’ just dumpsters? Like no. That’s-

That’s not really

No

JESUS CHRIST JENNY REALLY JUST WENT POOF HUH

THANOS SNAPPED THAT QUEEN

HOLY SHIT

I LITERALLY JUMPED OUT OF MY CHAIR

After that I was just watching my friend who played Bustopher to see his reaction to everything

Also why is he singing this entire number by himself

Maitre’D (or however the fuck that name is spelled) is married to Bustopher and no one can change my mind

Why is “the cat in spats” so funny, Macavity? Huh? I did like that Mac poked fun at his fashion sense rather than his weight tho

Also why did Bustopher fucking flyyyy??????

Aaaaaaaaand down the slide Veruca Salt style

Growltiger Interlude

Could’ve raised a lot of red flags with this number, but just establishing the character where all the kidnapped characters ended up, I liked

Also what did Growltiger actually do to Bustopher

And that gag about the rhyming of “aims” and “thames” ran a little too long ngl

But I liked the mauled ear on Growltiger - nice nod and detail

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

These two really said “Be gay, do crimes”

I love them

I fucking love them

And this rendition

10/10 I love this whole number

They’re a little more evil than playful but I literally don’t care because they’re awesome

The jewels on Victoria? Stan

Mungojerrie is such a cute dumb bitch and I love him so much

Their accents are so cute

The house is stunning

Victoria? Babey.

Mungojerrie? Babey.

Rumpleteazer? Babey.

This number was so much fun and is probably my favourite

And their fur designs are so cute too!

I love this song. I love the version. I love everything about it.

Mistofelees X Victoria Interlude

Once again, the twins are babey

You know who else is babey? My clumsy and adorable boy Misto

Clumsy sweetie

Wow they’re going for Mistoria huh?

Why didn’t they play up Mungo and Teazer knowing Vic before the ball? Why is there just a nod to it in when Munk asks about the jewel Vic wears

Old Deuteronomy

I adore Robbie Fairchild

Why does Old Doot appear like a new rival in a video game?

The rendering was so bad in that moment

But Munk is so sweet when Doot appears

They are mother and son, and no one can change my mind

Judi Dench really can’t sing huh...

It’s so raspy and yick

Also her coat is so odd and I hate it

Deadass she looks like an albino

Song of the Jellicles

I genuinely couldn’t tell if I liked or disliked the fact that everyone sang everything

“Meow meow meow meow” Gus dear god why

Again, we’re back into the whole cult thing

Jellicle Ball

The whole cinema lost their minds laughing through this whole choreography and I hated it

But Syllabub got some dance moves

Tugger saying “With your permission” ummm??? He is Doot’s other more feral son

The choreography was good at some points but for the most part it was eh

The music is bangin’ tho

And then they all died lmao

Memory

WHY DOES GRIZ HAVE SO MUCH SNOT

that is all

PART 2 COMING SOON

[ancientstone]

Alright so AU where Geralt doesn’t realise he’s been given a decoy Ciri

Perhaps Geralt goes to fetch Roach, maybe someone stops him to mention the ballads they’ve heard or some guard decides to question why he’s there, either way, he doesn’t notice the hidden passage in the palace, and therefore, not half an hour later, leaves Cintra not with Ciri sat scared under a cloak on his horse, but this girl:

In my head I’ve taken to calling her Alice, so that’s her name now.

Full name: Alice Cavannah of Cintra

Calanthe needs a child who can pass as Pavetta’s daughter, and it just so happens that currently staying in the palace for the banquet set to take place that night is a nobleman and his family - in particular, a nobleman who is on the wrong side of Calanthe’s temper, has been trying to redeem himself for years and gain a better position in court, and has a daughter roughly Ciri’s age.

For her parents, the decision wasn’t hard, mainly because her Father, who she is almost completely distant to, declared that she would go. In comparison, Alice is far closer to her Mother, but that doesn’t stop anything as her Mother goes along with whatever her husband says, merely absently nodding her consent as if being asked if she would like fish for dinner.

Alice also has an older brother, one who would be knighted not a few hours later (the knighting scene in episode one), and sending off their daughter in place of Ciri and having a son knighted in Cintra firmly puts their family name in Calanthe’s good books, much to their delight.

It also helps that Alice had a similar schooling to Ciri, and knows of the local nobles, lords, and ladies. If they tried to play off a peasant girl, their ploy would be blown within minutes.

“You’ll be back soon, I’m sure.” Calanthe promises breezily as she digs through Ciri’s wardrobe to find a dress for her to wear, to give her a more princess-like appearance. “Once all this nonsense with Nilfgaard has blown over, the Witcher will bring you right back.”

“Yes, your majesty.” Alice whispered, squeezing her hands together tightly to try and save off crying.

She’s told to quickly says her goodbyes, and then gets a cloak dumped over her head to avoid prying eyes who could call out the fraud. The Witcher, who she is told is named Geralt of Rivia, the Butcher of Blaviken, helps her onto a horse, and slowly they leave the city, Alice glancing back to see if her parents are watching. They’re not.

Her brother is, though. He waves at her from a window. She hesitantly waves back.

So, they head out, a tense silence between them. Alice is scared stiff, mainly because she’s never heard much about Witchers, being in Cintra most of her life. She knows Calanthe hates them, and doesn’t entrust this Witcher to look after her granddaughter, so tries to be as quiet as possible, less she angers the man with two very sharp-looking swords. 

Alice is also terrified that Geralt is going to figure out that she isn’t Ciri, and, not being a princess, will be killed for it. Her parents are unlikely to avenge her death (gods, her death might even be good for them - sacrificing their only daughter in the name of the Queen is sure to get them higher titles), so it wouldn’t matter if he did.

She spends the time nibbling her lip, a habit her Mother is always scolding her for, and praying to any God willing to listen to the thoughts in her head that she sees this out alive.

Geralt, meanwhile, is having a Panic™

What do you say to a princess? How does Ciri expect to be treated? Will she mind camping, or will he have to get inn rooms every night? Does he have enough coin for that? They gave him a bag of her belongings, does she have a bedroll, blankets, more suitable clothes for travel, better shoes? Is it rude to ask? 

The only other princesses he’s ever met either stabbed him in the gut or tried to eat his organs. Ciri probably won’t do that. He hopes. Then again, if she’s Calanthe’s blood, maybe he’ll be dead by morning.

Should he take her to Kaer Morhen? Or will the Nilfgaardian threat blow over before they get there? Is it better for them to head to the Blue Mountains or should they just hide out in the forests somewhere and wait and see?

Whatever he decides, the one thing he does know for sure is that this girl is completely petrified.

“It will be okay, Princess.” Geralt says roughly, as awkward as anything. “No harm is going to come to you.”

Her eyes are huge as she stammers, “T-Thank you, Witcher.”

“Call me Geralt.”

She flinches, squeaking, “Thank you, Geralt.”

Fuck, Geralt thinks.

They don’t come to any inns as dusk begins to fall, so Geralt tries to find the cleanest spot he can among the trees for them to make camp. He helps her down, and she shies away from his offered hand as if expecting to be hit before eventually taking it, and then sets about making camp.

Turns out, the palace didn’t think to give her anything practical, surprising for the granddaughter of the Lioness. The bag is mostly dresses, shoes only suitable for palace floors, and a hairbrush and a few toiletries.

He goes to swear, and then reminds himself not in front of the Princess.

“We might have to get you some new clothes.” He says, and she jumps at the sound. “We want to hide from Nilfgaard and anyone else who may try and find you. That will be easier if you dress plainly.”

What Geralt expects, he doesn’t know, a bit of a tantrum, perhaps? Something about how a lady of her status can’t go around in cheap fabrics like a commoner? Tears?

He doesn’t expect the girl to bite her lip, nod, and then hunch her shoulders around herself, trying to look as small as possible, swamped in her cloak and eyes to the floor.

The night is spent almost entirely silent. He goes out and hunts, gutting and skinning the hares away from camp so he doesn’t spook her, and then cooks a pretty bland stew that the Princess seems to force down out of politeness than a real hunger. He then gives her his bedroll, something she’s hesitant to do until he reassures her that he can go without sleeping, and meditates most of the night, listening for threats and the sound of her breathing. 

She cries at one point, trying to stifle her sniffles in her hands.

Over the next two days they move fast and far, not talking to anyone and putting as much distance between Cintra and them as possible. Slowly, as if she realises that Geralt is not going to eat her alive, the Princess begins to relax. That doesn’t exactly make her chatty by any means, or any less stiff and jumpy, but in their brief, stilted conversations, she seems less worried that he will bite her face off. A small improvement, but an improvement nonetheless.

Surprisingly, it’s Roach that brings them together.

Ciri takes to the mare straight away, and voluntary begins brushing her down each night, muttering soft things that she thinks Geralt can’t hear into the horse’s ears.

“She doesn’t tolerate most people.” He says as he builds a fire, pausing to observe them.

The Princess ducks her head. “O-Oh.”

“It means she likes you.”

“Oh!” For a split second, her face brightens, and she spins on her heel to gently pet Roach’s nose. “I like her too. What’s her name?”

“Roach.”

The Princess turns towards him, her face not quite disgruntled, but showing more emotion than she has so far. “Like the fish?”

“Hm.” Geralt nods.

“Why did you name your horse after a fish?”

“My brother named his horse Scorpion.”

“Is it...A Witcher thing?”

“Not reall-” Geralt stops, thinking about it. “Actually, I suppose it is.”

The Princess turns before he can see her expression, but he thinks she may be giggling. A lump forms in his throat, and he swallows it down.

Meanwhile, with Alice, she can’t decide if this is fun (she gets to explore the countryside, see other places, have a horse, camp, get dirty) or most frightening thing she’s ever done (she’s pretending to be the Princess of Cintra, if she messes up, the Lioness with solely blame her, not to mention punish her family. There’s so much on her shoulders that at random moments all she wants to do is weep)

Geralt doesn’t seem as frightening as he first appeared, and he’s actually been really nice, not asking complicated questions she doesn’t know the answer to (does he already know about Cirilla’s life? Her favourite foods? Her favourite song? She doesn’t, and dreads saying something that could contradict what he already knows) and keeping his distance.

He also named his horse after a fish.

On the morning of the second day, they camp outside a town, Geralt wanting to wait until most of the main morning traffic has passed before entering. To pass the time, she carefully twists braids into Roach’s mane (who preens under the attention), watching out the corner of her eye as Geralt goes over sword practice.

In a brief moment of boldness, Alice asks, “Is it...Hard, to use a sword like that?”

Geralt pauses, glancing towards her. “In a way, like most skills it becomes easier over time.”

“My-” Alice nearly outs herself by saying brother, quickly redirecting, “Grandmother uses a lot of swords.”

“Yes. Did she ever teach you?”

Oh Gods!

“My...My Mother didn’t let me. Said it’d make me brutish.” The news of Pavetta’s death was widespread, when it happened. She can recall her parents talking about it for years afterwards. “When she died, my Grandmother kept her wish.”

Geralt’s expression does several different things, and the longer the bout of silence draws on the closer Alice finds herself huddling against Roach, as if asking the horse to hold her up.

Stupid! She chastises mentally. That’s the Lioness! Of course she taught Ciri! And you just insulted her daughter! Wait until the Queen finds out about that!

Finally, Geralt grunts, something he seems to do regularly, before easing his stance, relaxing his shoulders. “Would you...Like to learn?”

Alice blinks.”M-Me?”

“Being able to defend yourself is one of the most important skills you can have, and I’m sure your Mother would prefer you alive and wielding a blade than dead and weaponless.”

The Lioness is going to be fuming by the time she gets back.

Still, somehow, Alice finds herself nodding , and Geralt hums, putting down his sword and pulling out a smaller dagger. “Come here.”

She does, and he places the dagger into her hand, adjusting her grip and inching her fingers into the correct positions. It’s heavy, surprisingly so, and Geralt carefully puts his hand around her wrist.

“Ideally we’d do this with one made of wood, but I only have this, so we won’t do much just to be safe, but I can show you how to hold a blade, and how to use it in a pinch.”

“Okay.”

“It’s not a toy.” He says sternly, meeting her eyes. “Don’t swing it wildly, don’t touch the edge, and when in doubt, drop it and step back, understand?”

“I do.”

He hums again, pleased, and then carefully starts the lesson.

Alice, surprisingly, finds herself enjoying it. She can see what her brother saw in it when he was younger and still in training. There’s something about learning the different stances, the hand positions, the control, that feels good, right, almost like the beginnings of a new hobby.

Her favourite hobby is still needlework, though. Alice adores a night by the fireplace carefully stitching away.

They keep on going until lunch, which is when they stop to eat (a little to her disappointment), and then head into town, Geralt dropping a handful of coins into her palm and pointing out a shop.

“Go buy yourself a few set of clothes, ones good enough for a winter outside. Don’t go with fashions, go with practicality. I’ll be outside.”

“Okay, I understand.”

The fabrics on offer are cheap, bland, and all variations of dim green or brown, however, with a little help from the shopkeeper, Alice is able to find some items which work. She switches into one of her new purchases, pulling on a new pair of boots, before heading back outside.

She keeps the dress she’d been wearing, though. It belongs to a Princess, and the Queen may be angry if she loses it. Alice gently tucks it into her bag.

“Good.” Geralt nods his approval and Alice finds herself smiling shyly, before they turn to leave.

It is as they walk away, following the road northwards, that they catch wind of a conversation by another set of travelers passing by, on their way south.

For a split second, Alice freezes, before whipping around so fast that her head spins dizzy. Her eyes follow them, and her vision mists with fear-struck tears as her jaw drops low in horror.

Beside her, Geralt goes as still as a statue, his skin pale.

Cinta has fallen.

......

Anyway, this is getting super long so I may have to come up with a part two, but I’ll leave this here for now

Oh, and I’m totally naming this the Double Trouble AU

[narniaandplowmen]

It is not that I love you less / Than when before your feet I lay (But to prevent the sad increase / Of hopeless love, I keep away)

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Geralt/Jaskier Also on AO3 2154 words.

General Audiences / No Archive Warnings Apply Complete

Part 2 of Half a Century of Poetry

Jaskier, back in Lettenhove for the winter, considers how Geralt's words on the Mountain were unfair, but that nothing on this world can stop him from loving the Witcher anyways.

They had talked, after the Mountain. Or, well, Jaskier had talked. Geralt had been about to leave when Jaskier finally made his way down, exhausted and devastated and wounded from the lonely, perilous journey downhill. It was clear that Geralt had wanted to avoid him, but Roach, always a sucker for the sweet sugar cubes and shining apples the bard usually carried with him, had approached Jaskier on her own free will. And he had to say something, he couldn’t just stay silent. So he had given a promise. I will not come to you, but if you ever change your mind I should not be hard to find. 

And so he had. There was much that could be said about the bard, about his extravagance and tendency to ignore the rules. But if Jaskier made a promise, he made sure to keep it. Which is why he almost never made promises, regardless of what other people might think he did. Answering ‘sure’ to ‘will you promise to stay behind whilst I fulfil this contract’ meant that he is open to making that promise, but not that he is actually making it. Being part-Fae, fully noble and just generally a little shit made Jaskier proficient in finding loopholes in his so-called promises. But this? This was a real promise. And he had kept to it.

It was winter, and Jaskier had returned to Lettenhove to reunite with his sister and his nieces and nephews. The little kids were elated to see their favourite (and only) uncle, and although his brother-in-law - who had married quite above his station and continually feared Jaskier would reclaim his rightful place as heir - was less happy to see him return, his sister had welcomed him with open arms. The lands of Lettenhove looked gorgeous in the shimmering snow, white like- Jaskier bit his lip, an awful habit he had picked up since-

 Avoiding the thought was hopeless. He had tried everything to distract himself, but nothing could take away his endless, hopeless, futile lover for Geralt of Rivia, friend of humanity. His sister had noticed, of course. Damn observant, that woman. She had always been, but Jaskier was sure it had gotten even worse now that she was a mother. The Fae blood probably didn’t help either. 

‘Why don’t you write it out? That always helped you when you were younger,’ she had said one day, breaking through Jaskier’s musings of how the colour of her dress reminded him of Geralt’s eyes.

‘You don’t have to share it with me, or anyone, if you don’t want to. But it might help.’ 

So here he was, sitting in the manor’s humble library overseeing the snow-covered vineyard, with a quill in hand and paper in front of him like he was twelve, whilst longingly staring at his baby brother, who now lied next to his parents in graves covered in snow,  and younger sister, who were allowed to play outside whilst he was forced to make his homework. Now he looked down at a new generation of children. One day he had wished he could have some of his own, and he could not deny that, after Geralt had accidentally ended up with a child surprise, he had dreamed of the three of them forming a family. Nothing now could be further from the truth. Instead of living in a cottage near the sea, Geralt retiring from his Witcher business to open a smithy, Jaskier opening a school and them raising the adorable Ciri together, Geralt had refused to claim his promised child, shunned Jaskier from his life and gone off to who-knew-where to, as far as Jaskier knew, continue killing monsters for little pay. He had not come to apologise, not come to ask Jaskier to rejoin him, not come to find him at all. And so, Jaskier had kept his promise. And Jaskier had kept away. If only his heart would get the message, too. 

It is not that I love you less

Than when before your feet I lay,

But to prevent the sad increase

Of hopeless love, I keep away.

Carefully placing his quill back in the inkpot, Jaskier resumed his watch over the playful children in the snow. They had found some sticks now, and were playfighting. From his third-floor window he could hear fragments of their conversation.

‘You -- monster!’

‘I wanna be the Witch--’

‘--ys get to be the Witcher!’

‘Because the Witchers are -- cle Jaskier says so!’

‘I don’t want to be a kimimomo! I don’t want to be the bad --’

Jaskier smiled at little John’s mispronunciation of the monster’s name. The kids, inspired by Jaskier’s songs, had taken to playing ‘Wicher and Monster’, with dramatic fake-out deaths and some accidental real injuries. It seemed that, even in the quiet, boring lands of Lettenhove, Jaskier could not avoid being reminded of the man he loved so dearly. The snow as white as his hair, his sister’s yellow dresses, the wolf statues at the entrance of the property, the children’s play, the notes with unfinished lyrics describing Geralt’s heroic actions Jaskier had left behind during previous stays… Every day there was something, no matter how small, that reminded him of the man he had lost. The soup that tasted exactly like that served in the inn where he had first been allowed to wash the Witcher’s hair. The snide remarks from his brother-in-law that seemed to come straight from Geralt’s vocabulary.  Filavandrel’s lute, greeting him whenever he entered his room. Everything around him was another tiny dagger piercing through his skin, making its way to his heart and cutting yet another piece of it in half. 

In vain (alas!) for everything

Which I have known belong to you,

Your form does to my fancy bring,

And makes my old wounds bleed anew.

It had been late spring when they had parted. It felt like they had barely reunited after winter, during which Geralt had visited his strange Witcher castle Jaskier was never invited to and Jaskier had spent his days teaching Ciri and nights playing his music at the Cintran court. And although he loved the court, Calanthe’s murderous glares when he accidentally mentioned Geralt had made him nervous enough to be happy when spring arrived and he could leave again, back on the road, following the person holding his rapidly-beating heart without even being aware of it. The dragon hunt had only been their fourth contract of the year, and after- After, when summer still stretched in front of him for another six long months, everything had felt off. 

Sure, he had travelled, sang his songs at inns and bars and the occasional manor. Sure, he had met up with other bards, competed in a couple of sing-offs, written a handful of new songs which gained instant popularity. Sure, he had lived the life any normal, travelling bard did. But he wasn’t normal now, was he. He was Jaskier, Bard Extraordinaire, the best songwriter and lute-player on the Continent. His audience’s words, not his. He knew there was always something to be improved upon: a lyric that could be better, a beat he missed, a chord he botched. His audience might not notice, but he most certainly did. He would make quite an awful bard if he didn’t, after all. So, even though he did everything any other travelling bard would do, those six months had been strange. He had automatically found himself drawn to notice boards, turning around to inform Geralt of a contract only to be, once again, reminded the man was not there. No rhythmic sound of hooves touching the dirt during the day, no scraping noise of someone sharpening their sword near the campfire during the evening, and just his own breath breaking the silence of the night. It had been as if the world was ill, asleep in bed trying to fend off a fever that caused strange, surreal visions that gave everything normal a slightly sickly hue. Maybe his sister was right, maybe writing would help heal his broken heart.

Who in the spring from the new sun

Already has a fever got,

Too late begins those shafts to shun,

Which Phœbus through his veins has shot.

The playful screams of the children in the snow briefly silenced as the cheery voice of Molly the Cook called out that dinner was almost done. Jaskier knew that one of the kids would knock on his door soon, giving Uncle Jaskier the same message. Three stanzas in just as many hours, a poor yield for a poet of his stature. A sudden rage overtook him as he looked down at the half-empty paper. The words Geralt had thrown at him on the Mountain had felt fair at first, but after moping about them for while, Jaskier had realised that Geralt had been incredibly unfair. Him, shovelling Geralt’s shit? Yes, shovelling it out of his stable and onto the compost pile where it belonged. It was Geralt who created the shit around him, making stupid wishes that endangered the people around him, invoking the law of surprise less than fifteen minutes after learning Parvetta was a child surprise herself. Surely the Witcher knew that child surprises tended to give birth to child surprises, surely he smelled that Parvetta was pregnant to begin with. Even Jaskier had noticed that Parvetta had worn an unusual, slightly-out-of-style dress clearly intended to hide her abdomen. If Geralt had not been so incredibly self-centred, so incredibly self-absorbed and emotionally stunted he would have realised that his words were absolute bullshit. It had been Jaskier who had calmed Calanthe enough to not send hundreds of assassins after Geralt. It had been Jaskier who had tried to take the djinn away so the clearly exhausted Witcher would not do anything stupid. His wishes might have sounded idiotic, but they were clearly and precisely phrased, his mother had taught him enough about Fae magic for him to know djinns were just as tricky, if not worse, to deal with. Yes, Jaskier had shovelled the shit, but it was not his fault Geralt liked to dive into every single heap of manure he met. So no, what Geralt had said had not been fair. But by the time Jaskier had gathered enough of his wits to realise that, the Witcher had long been gone, and Jaskier’s promise had already been made. 

Too late he would the pain assuage,

And to thick shadows does retire;

About with him he bears the rage,

And in his tainted blood the fire.

The sound of a wildly thrown-open door and a young boy’s voice shouting his name calmed the bard’s sudden anger. 

‘UNCLE JASKIER DINNER’S READY MOLLY SAYS YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR HANDS!’ Little John, still carrying his stick, now ran into view. 

‘Did Molly also say you were allowed to take your sword inside?’

‘A Witcher always carries his swords with him, you told me so! And I am a Witcher, not a stupid kimino- kimomo-’

‘Kikimore,’ Jaskier helpfully supplied.

‘Yes that. Will you tell Eddy? Will you tell him I’m a Witcher? I don’t want to be a monster, the snow is cold and wet when I fall down to die.’ 

Jaskier smiled at his youngest nephew’s petulant face. ‘Only if you put your sword back outside. True gentlemen don���t carry their swords to the dinner table, not even Witchers. Come, we’ll place it in the stables to keep it safe, and then we go wash our hands together, okay?’

‘Okay, uncle Jaskier. Can I sit next to you during dinner?’

‘Of course you can.’

Jaskier smiled at the young boy stretching out his arms to be picked up. If only life could stay that easy, with simple concerns like cold snow and fake swords. Jaskier knew, after all,  it was impossible for him to stay angry. How could he hate the one he loved? The one who had, unknowingly, carried his heart for the past two decades, and would carry it for eternity and beyond? He would keep his promise to the Witcher, he would stay in his self-imposed exile, no matter the cost. A promise is a promise, after all. And just as he would keep the promise he had made to Geralt whilst feeding Roach that final, slightly crushed sugar cube, he would keep the promise he had made to himself whilst walking down the first mountain he and the Witcher had climbed to fight a supposed devil. I will love you till my dying days. 

And, as he placed his nephew on his back, joking that ‘this horse will lead the noble Witcher to the stables,’ Jaskier mentally composed the final stanza he had struggled with for so many hours. 

But vow’d I have, and never must

Your banish’d servant trouble you;

For if I break, you may distrust

The vow I made to love you, too.

[imaginesblvd]

Begin again

Jaskier x Reader

Part 4 of 10(?)

I’m so sorry this took so long. Life has been a hassle lately but I’m slowly getting back into writing when I have free time so here is part 4, I’m working on Part 5 now and hopefully it won’t take as long as this one did. Hope everyone that reads enjoys! Also I couldn’t find any gifs of just Roach. 

A whole day is wasted waiting for some spell to work. You probably had done something wrong. Before You had joined the woman out here, in their little camp, you checked the spell work. You had everything for it, said the words right but yet no results. What could you do now? Keep waiting for Yen to show up? You had to do something now and not wait around. Geralt would probably have figured this out by now. He's so smart when it comes to this monster stuff. He is a witcher. Maybe you'll go through his bags when you get back, knowing he has to have something in there. A book on all the beasts he's come across, unless all that knowledge is stored within his brain then you'll be shit out of luck.

You wipe at the sweat that has formed on your brow as you hand the freshly skinned rabbit over to Rachael. She smiles softly as she takes it from your hands. Maybe you should ask her, but she's told me as much as she knows already. You just want to go over it all to make sure she hasn't left anything out. She wouldn't do that on purpose though? Would she? You glance over at her as she's cutting the meat off the rabbit.

What she's already told you so far is, silver, gold, and metal knives do nothing. Calling out the beast's real name should have shown her weakness but nothing and you didn't want to tell them the name they made up for the lady sounded fake because they already figured that out for themselves. You heard about that before though. You have no idea how true that really is though. Geralt taught you about some monsters but nothing really matches up with what these women are telling you. Plus it seems they've tried everything you would have done.

"Rachael?" You call her name as you wipe your hands clean of blood "Is there anything you might be leaving out? It doesn't matter how stupid it sounds, I need to know absolutely everything" your tone is soft, not wanting to sound demanding

"Well, there is one thing" She pauses as she discards the meat into the cauldron "There was this young girl, Sabrina, she couldn't take the waiting. Waiting for some hero to come help us" she pauses as she meets your gaze "The lady left for a couple days, and Sabrina went into the pub, for what felt like a lifetime, but really only a few minutes went by before she came back out with her boyfriend and she didn't wait to tell us how she did it, she just ran off"

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how that must have felt” You say, as you reach out taking hold of her wrist, giving it a squeeze

"She could have helped us get our men back, we tried to look for her but couldn't find her, the coward is probably halfway across the word now" the anger in her tone sends a shiver down your spine. You make a mental note not to get on her bad side.

After you eat, you thank them for their help and promise to do some digging around. It doesn't ease the worry wrinkles from their face and you regret saying it. They've probably had so much hope for you to figure this out. A fresh mind, clearer eyes, and more fight because what happened to them how many weeks ago is fresh to you. You also came into town with a witcher, so they probably think you have all this knowledge but being the one to take down the monster is new to you. You've mentioned before how Geralt shared some knowledge with you but it wasn't enough, plus you only ever helped him find the jobs. You listened to the stories he would tell you when Jaskier passed out from drinking too much, he probably thought it would help you sleep. It did the opposite of that but you would never tell him that. You can't fail them, you'll look for Sabrina.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

When you step back into the town, you hear the sound of a lute. A smile spreads across your face as you look over to the pub. Closing your eyes you try to imagine a different time, a time where you've just finished bathing and you’re heading over to the pub to hear Jaskier play to a crowd. His eyes would only be on you as he plays, he'd wink and smile brightly. Then after you both would walk back to the inn, his arm wrapped tightly around you. He would stay in your room, talking for hours about anything and everything. A tear rolls down your cheek, and you wipe at it quickly.

"Y/n?"

"Yen?"

Looking around you see Yennefer coming out from behind the Inn, you smile in relief as the weight of the world lifts from your shoulders. Only to come crashing down as quickly as it left because Geralt steps into view. Your eyes widen in shock and fear, the air in your lungs gets caught in your throat as you begin to shake your head. You can't seem to get your voice out, the warning you wish to scream out to her sounds like a gasp rather than the scream you wanted to let out.

Yennefer is knocked to the ground. Geralt hoists her up into his arms as the lady steps out from behind him. She wears that wicked smirk on her lips as she beckons you to come toward her but your legs are stone, keeping you in place. Your beating heart dulled her voice to a murmur, as the thought of putting another friend in danger dawns on you.

"... I know everything that happens in this little village, when are you going to realize that?" The lady laughed as she came closer

You can't speak, your eyes are on Yennefer. You look up at Geralt and see the guilt swirling around his eyes. He looks to the lady, and you follow his gaze. Her brows are raised, waiting for you to answer whatever the hell she asked you. Shaking your head you try to clear your mind of what just happened so that you could respond to her, to say anything other than what you wanted to.

"What deal did the woman make with you" Rushes out of your mouth and she smiles, her eyes light up like I've given her everything she's wanted

"I'm so glad you asked, I give them 2 weeks to try and figure out what I am, and when they do, I give them back what I've stolen from them, but if they don't figure it out, well I'm sure you already know what I'm going to do with these men" she finishes with a wink

Take the deal, your mind screams at you. Rachael says they're almost out of time and you didn't understand until now. Maybe she thought you would leave if you knew about it but why would you leave? You have reason to stay the same as theirs. You look over at the lady, she's playing with the ends of Yen's hair as Geralt watches with some sort of awe and disgust to his eyes and face. Maybe you could get something out of this, you know Geralt is okay, but maybe you could get a few minutes with Jaskier before you take off to find Sabrina.

"I want something in return, Yennefer stays with me, and I want to see Jaskier" You demand, your voice sounding stronger than you felt "I see Geralt is okay and I know you won't take care of Yennefer" You added, and she nods.

The lady orders Geralt to take Yennefer up to your room as she guides you towards the pub. You glance back over to where Geralt disappears into the inn. Before the lady and you reach the door, it opens. A man stands before you both and his smile is wide but his dead eyes are what sends a shiver down your spine. It's worse than any monster you've ever seen, including the woman next to you.

Once inside you look around and see Jaskier standing by the bar, he doesn't look up to smile like all the others. You feel her arm leave you and you start walking over to him. You see his notebook is laid out in front of him, his pen moving faster than you've ever seen before. You want to tap his shoulder but you don't want to spook him as he's working, so instead you clear your throat.

Jaskier turns, his bright blue eyes cause you to smile sadly. You're dreading the thought of the light behind them dying. His smile only lasts a second before it's replaced with a frown. He turns back, closing his notebook as he slams his hand down on it. He lets out a sigh as he turns to face you once again, his face in a deep scowl.

"What're you still doing here?" He asks annoyed "I thought I told you to leave"

"I know but the lady asked me to come back, she says you're having trouble with your songwriting. May I?" You lie as you nod towards the seat next to him and he nods reluctantly "Let me see what you're working on and I'll see if I can help"

This brings a huge smile to his face. He opens his notebook back open as you watch him. You could see the faintest dark circles under his eyes and his fingers were a touch red. You wonder how often she has him playing. Soon his fingers won't just be red, they'll be bleeding. Your heart aches in your chest, almost painfully. You close your eyes, almost imagining the last time you've done this. How close you both were, the loving look in his eyes. It had to be love, it couldn't be anything else but that.

"So it starts off strong, like a ballad of love should go but then it turns to this" Jaskier turns the page and your breath catches in your throat.

Your eyes widen. What the hell is this? You almost want to ask aloud but for the second time tonight you can't speak. You don't ask for permission to pull it from his hands but you do anyway. Your fingers lightly touch the rough paper as you read his almost unreadable writing.

Only a few things sticking out to you, he's pleading for help and apologizing. You look over at him as he says there is more on the other side. You flip the page and try to fight back the tears that threaten to spill over. You'd let them fall freely if you didn't have to face the lady on your way out.

"I won't leave you Jaskier, I-" You clear your throat once more "I'm going to figure this out, okay?" You whisper as you take his notebook

He nods as he takes a shot of whatever is in his mug before picking his lute up and spins around. He looks towards the lady, and she smiles at him. He begins to strum his lute as you walk over to the lady. Telling her you'll take the deal but you'll be roaming around the village freely, leaving and coming as you please, and she nods telling you that 2 weeks starts now.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

A two day ride back to the city that you, Jaskier, and Geralt had left behind days before. You tie Roach up. You tell her you'll be back with food and water, she neighs in response as she almost headbutts you. You smile at her as you turn to head into the market, you wouldn't bring Roach through here, it's far too crowded here. You ask so many people if they've run into anyone new, besides you. You give them a description of what the two look like but they haven't seen anyone that fit it. You climb up onto a fence and look around for a woman with copper hair, and a man with bright blonde hair.

You figured if Sabrina really thought of Rivercrossing as a home then she wouldn't have gone far. This is the closest town and no sign of her. However, there was still one more place to look. It's in the opposite direction about a three day ride. You fight back the feeling that this might just be a waste of time. You can't give up yet, you won't give up. Your friends needed you to figure this out and you won't quit until you find Sabrina, but if you can’t find her then this is going to be harder.

Once Roach is taken care of, you lead her out of the town. You climb up on to her and start on your way. You don’t want this to take too long but you don’t want to push her past her limits. It didn’t even take you too long to get here. It should be dark by the time you reach the turnoff to Rivercrossing, but you won’t be stopping there. You want to just keep going to find the small village that sits at the fork in the road just a few miles up from Rivercrossing.

You should be reaching the small village of Crossroads by dawn. It might take longer than that, you’ll stop to give Roach a rest and a small catnap for you but in the end getting there is the goal plus you’ll still have twelve or eleven days when you get back.

You can only hope the woman of the Rivercrossing don’t do anything stupid while you’re gone. You told them not too but you never know, they might not listen. You probably wouldn’t listen to you either if it meant figuring something out. You did leave Racheal a book you found in Geralt’s bags, hopefully she reads it all. She did say she was going to make notes in case something like this ever happens again with another monster that why she would know what to do. You also left them with some loose paper you ripped out of Jaskier’s notebook. He can yell at you about that when he’s sane.

Roach stops at the turnoff. You tell her to keep going but she’s stuck in place. You climb down, pulling a dagger you had taken from Geralt’s things and listen closely. You don’t hear anything besides Roach’s breathing. Sheathing the dagger back you pull an apple from your bag and hold it up to her mouth.

“We have to keep going, okay? One more town and we can come back, but if they have seen the people we’re looking for then we have to keep going, okay?” You tell her

You climb back on her and she takes off once more.

Dawn comes quicker, and the small village comes into view. You smile tiredly, that catnap really didn’t help. You dismount Roach, as you tie her up. Telling her you’ll be right back as you walk towards the inn. There’s a tired man standing before you, he smiles though. Walking over you lean against the counter. You ask him if anyone new has come to stay here, and he says no just people passing through. This gives you a little hope and you begin to ask him if he’s seen a woman with copper hair, about half your size, or a man with blond hair and about 6 foot tall.

“Ask the barkeeper across the way, he get more visitors than I do” He says as he rubs at his tired eyes

“Okay, thanks” You walk back out and head over to the bar.

Pushing the door open, you look around. It’s almost empty. You take a seat across from the man behind the counter. Asking him the same things and he says no. Someone has to be lying there is no way they passed through here without stopping for something to eat or drink. You tap the counter with a gold coin before getting up.

“Is there anyone else I could ask?”

“There’s an old lady at the end of the way, she lets people who have nothing stay with her, she might be sleeping so you’ll have to wait a while”

You nod and walk back out and over to Roach, there is no way you’re waiting here. If they’re there and they leave because you’re here? This all would have been for nothing. You untie Roach and give a small tug to her reins, and she begins to follow.

This old lady better have some answers. You don’t know what you’ll do if she hasn’t seen them. What if Rachael is right? What if they’re already halfway across the world? You can’t go too far with only twelve or eleven days left. They have to be here, or somewhere close by. What did she do? You wish you could just know what she’s done or even better know what the lady is.

You just want this all to be over. You wish you didn’t run into that lady, or even make camp that day. You should have pushed Geralt to keep going even when you wanted to stop that day you should have kept going. How could you say something like that? The woman of Rivercrossing would have been left to die along with their men. You hate yourself for even thinking that. You should have bought Rachael but she’s the only one you trust to keep the other woman in line. You just wish someone was here to help pass the time.

Time didn’t exist with Jaskier. One second the sun was going down and the next it was coming up. You both would stay up with each other talking or just being with one another, not saying anything. He would hum, or sing sometimes. You would tell him some made up story of anything and he wouldn’t interrupt you he would just listen. You wonder if this would change him, but so much has happened to him and he’s always been the same. This would be different though, would he remember it? Would it be like sleeping to him? When it’s all over would he only remember the night you both spent together. Would you have to fill in the details for him? Would he even want to know the details? You hope not because you don’t want to have to relive this.

Roach nudges you as a light in the house turns on. You thank her as you stand. Wiping the dirt from your bottom as you walk over. You knock on the door, and wait a few seconds before the door opens. The old lady smiles, as she steps off to the side. Inviting you in but you shake your head.

“I just have a question” You say and she nods “Have you seen or housed anyone new within the last week?”

“Yes, this wonderful couple. They only stayed a night before leaving” She answers

“A young couple? A girl with copper hair? A man with blond hair? One 6 foot and the other about half my size?” You rush out

“Yes, they said they had to go back home, they left yesterday morning” The old woman smiled and you thanked her as you took off towards Roach.

. 

.

Tag List:

@the-british-koala  | @dancingwith-thesunflowers  | @littlecarowrites  | @spacegay-s​  | @chickens-are-life​  |

[diamondcamefromhell]

Jaskier x Fem!Reader pt.3

PART ONE

PART TWO

this is the last “writing gift” from me for today so i hope you enjoy, as i progressively go more and more delusional in this part, lol. i still loved writing it, but then again, i love writing about jaskier so, what’s new. also i probs need a name for this, feel free to message me any ideas <3

Warnings: Swearing, death

Word count: 2,186

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I continued to stay with them, and Jaskier and I also continued training. Each session made me more comfortable with us being close, leading to way less blushing and heart flattering.

But I was still hopelessly in love with this stupid bard. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Things didn’t seem to get better, as we were approached by an older man, Borch Three, with two, absolutely gorgeous women by his side.  They were warriors, Tea and Vea, and they showed their abilities, which clearly intrigued Jaskier. I couldn’t blame him, they were impressive.

We went to a bar to discuss kings Niedamirs proposition, to hunt down a green dragon for some reward. I wasn’t paying much attention, jealously was getting in a way, as Jaskier couldn’t take his eyes of Tea and Vea. All I know is that we are tagging along because, according to the bard “the crazy witch” showed up.

Her name was Yennefer, and she was a beauty too. Great.

I tie Sky to the post near Roach, petting both of the horses. Geralt gives me a glance, but doesn’t tell me to stop touching her, which I feel is the next level of friendship. I hug Sky, purely because I need emotional support.

“Be good boy, okay? I will see you soon.” He neighs in response, and I twist on my heel. Borch stares at me, grabbing my arm.

“You have his heart, don’t you worry.” He silently whispers and I pull away, blushing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say, taking out my dagger.

Geralt decided I was grown enough to have a weapon of my own, kindly giving it to me one evening. He gave me two, actually, one silver and one iron. One for monsters, one for humans. Old man pats my arm, walking away. His place is soon replaced by an excited bard.

I hear the names of Tea and Vea come out of his mouth, and I decide to pay no attention to what he’s saying. Geralt seems distracted too, his eyes glued to the sorceress. This trip looks like it will be fun.

Just weeks ago I was terrified of all monsters. How am I now tagging along to kill a dragon? I stare at silver in my hands. I have not used it, not once. Jaskier and I continued using twigs for our practises. What was I getting myself into?

Next to two beautiful and strong warriors, Jaskier will never look for me. No, he will look just to see if I’m not dead yet. I glance at his lute, wondering how can he be so care free, considering we might not live. I should have said a proper goodbye to Sky. But it was too late.

It takes me awhile to realize the bard has gone quiet. I look at him, and he steals a glance at me.

“If you don’t find me interesting, just let me know.” He says, lifting his head up. Oh, if he only knew how interesting I found him.

“Sorry if I can listen to you blabbering about how amazing Vea and Tea are, as we are walking to kill a dragon.” I bitterly say, rushing ahead, hoping he wont try to converse with me again. But he does.

“I was actually talking about Geralt and Yennefer.” He points out, and I flush red.

“She saved your life, didn’t she?” I roll my eyes. “Why do you still hate her?”

“Okay. I will allow you to calm down.” Now Jaskier rushes ahead, chatting up the warriors as he reaches them.

Our first fight. Wonderful. I grunt. For most of the rest of the day, I am out of it. I just follow, silently. I know I must look like an angry child, but I couldn’t control my feelings. I was scared Jaskier might have found someone better than me. Not that its hard.

I only really snap out of it when Jaskier is almost attacked by some creature, and Yennefers knight kills it. Then we set camp. I don’t even try to mingle with the crew, silently crawling to my tent, feeling sorry for myself.

I wish Sky was here, I wouldn’t have to feel as lonely.

I did think things were progressing the right way between the two of us. But I guess, for him we were just becoming better friends, not anything more. I grunt, pulling up a cover over my face. I knew falling for a bard was a bad idea. But tell that to a lonely heart.

I hear singing, and of course, I recognize Jaskiers voice. I peep through my tent, looking at him. He’s wearing a red matching set, which in the fire makes him look almost ethereal. He plays the lute flawlessly, his voice filling up the air. He smiles at the warriors, but they don’t seem impressed. I know I would have been swept off my feet.

Then the bard glances my way, still smiling, he winks at me. As if we never had our argument. His heart is just too big. I rush back in my tent, falling back on the ground.

The night deepens and the voice silence. I begin to relax, before I hear a silent voice near my tent.

“Lady Y/N?” Jaskier whispers. “May I come in?”

“Jaskier?” I ask, knowing its him. I see him peep inside, smiling. “Sure, come in.”

“Thank you.” I crawl to the furthest corner, to be as far away from him. He seems to notice, and I can make his face out just enough to see that he’s frowning. “I won’t bite.”

“I know, it’s just…” I cant come up with an excuse, so I clear my throat. “Everything okay, Jask?”

“I was going to ask the same thing, Y/N. You have been distant today, didn’t even come out to hear me sing.” He crosses his arms. “And you always come to listen to me.”

“I could hear you from here.” I cant exactly see him, but I know he’s raising his eyebrows right now. “I’m just tired.”

“You’re scared.” Jaskier corrects, I rest my head on my knees.

“Yes, that too.” He giggles.

“But not of the dragon.” I don’t respond to that, just stare at him in the dark, trying to make out his face. Did he come here to tease me again? I wasn’t in a mood for that. “You know, Tae and Vae, they are incredible women.”

“Sure.” I say, gritting my teeth. I try to come up with a plan, where I kick him out, without causing a scene and waking up the entire camp.

“But they’re not dangerously cute.” I imagine he’s smirking right now.

“They’re however dangerous. Strong. Gorgeous.” I point out, closing my eyes. “Hard to impress.”

“Unapproachable, I might add.” Jaskier giggles again, and I stare at the grass, not sure how to feel.

“The Witcher is the most unapproachable… being I’ve met.” I can’t help, but smile. “Yet you made him your friend.”

“You have nothing to worry about,” his tone changes, to a warm and reassuring one, “is all I’m trying to say.”

“I’m not worried.” I say, although I can feel heat rushing to my face. I am glad it’s pitch black, and Jaskier cant see it.

“Okay, then you don’t have to be jealous.” My heart drops as I hang my mouth open. He definitely could see that, as he let’s out a laugh. “Don’t act so surprised, my darling, it’s obvious.”

“I’m not jealous.” I try to defend myself, but to no avail. Even in the dark I can see his smirk, as wide as it gets. “You can flirt with as many women as you please, Jaskier.”

“I may.” He leans back, not taking his eyes off me. “But I only sing about one.”

“I-“ I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I am about to burst. These mixed signals, I want to open this bard’s head and see what he actually thinks. What he feels. I shake my head. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to. I just wanted you to know.” He leans over the tent, closer to me. “I do plan on only singing about one, too.”

“Jaskier…” All of the feelings I have been bottling up for weeks have been waiting for a moment like this.

I must make my shot, even if it doesn’t land, even if it makes things awkward between us. I lean in, pressing my lips against his. It’s a rushed, scared kiss, and I pull away quicker than I want to, but to my surprise, Jaskier leans in now, not letting me escape.

And I don’t plan to.

This kiss feels like I have travelled through a desert and finally got some water. A breath of air after I finished drowning. That sweet sun kiss after a cold winter. It felt like so many things, but most importantly, it felt right.

I wrap my hands around his neck, and I feel him smile. No, I can taste his smile. It tastes like honey, and the best ale your coin could buy. He pulls away, resting his forehead next to mine. He giggles, pulling away more. I look him in the eyes.

“I mean Geralt is the only woman I sing about, but you know.” He teases and I laugh, resting my head on his shoulder. “I guess you will do.”

“Fuck off bard.” I say, still laughing. All of my dreams coming true, right here, right now. I breathe him in, happy to finally hold him so close.

“I couldn’t let my dearest Y/N go to bed with a heavy heart.” Jaskier whispers, pulling away. “But I mustn’t disgrace you, and I will leave. We have a dragon to fight, after we are victorious, we will celebrate.”

“Geralt doesn’t want to kill the dragon.” I remind him, as he sighs, landing one last kiss on my forehead.

“I don’t write history, my lady, I write what people want to hear.” He whispers, and then proceeds to leave the tent. “May you rest easy now, Y/N.”

“You too, Jaskier.”

After my heart calms down, sleeps comes easy, because it feels like I am already dreaming.

The morning is pure chaos. Yennefers knight has been slain. She’s on her own, and although emotionless face is still on, I can tell Geralt is worried sick. Jaskier winks at me, reminding me last night was real, but he also seems slightly annoyed.

The dwarfs offer us a shortcut that we take, and no nobodies surprise, but Jaskiers disappointment, Yennefer joins us on Witchers request. When we reach the actual shortcut, however, I feel like I am about to throw up.

We have to walk around the mountain, from the edge. The path is alright for dwarfs, but us, normal sized humans, it was a death wish. I just got to kiss the man I adore, and now I will die. I silently cussed, as Yennefer ushered Jaskier to go first. I followed right after him, trying to not look down, which proved to be hard, as I needed to know if I am stepping on a path, or on death.

Sadly, things go sour. Borch and his warriors crashed through the planks. Geralt tried to hold on to them, pull them up, but they let go. I felt an ache in my heart, considering I never even gave him, or Tea and Vea a chance. They seemed like good people, only if my heart hadn’t gotten in a way.

The rest of us make it through. Not feeling as excited for our mission as we were before. I hated it now. This trip went from bad, to great, to horrible. I was mentally exhausted. Jaskier went to comfort Geralt. He tried, and from the snippets I caught, he gave him good advice.

What do you truly want.

I stare at the bard, as he sits on that rock alone. Witcher went to chat with Yennefer. I slowly approach Jaskier, sitting next to him. He looks at me.

“What is it that you want, Jaskier?” I ask as he shrugs.

“I want to figure it out.” He says. His hand reach for mine, intertwining our fingers together. “You will be the first to know. But what do you want, Y/N?”

“In my life I never felt like I could want anything.” I say, sighing. “But now, that I have the whole world open… I want to find a home.”

“Home…” Jaskier whispers. I wonder what he’s thinking.

“Home isn’t always a building, however.” I continue. “Sometimes it’s the people, sometimes it’s the forest or an open field. I want to find what home means to me.”

“That’s a good want.” Jaskier smiles. “Maybe I want a home too.”

I grip his hand tighter, as we both stare into the sunset. I hope Geralt and Yennefer also figure something out, as much as Jaskier doesn’t like her, she seems like a nice, strong woman.

I would like a friend like that.

PART FOUR [second to last part, dont worry, i wont drag it on forever lol]

[oxbridge-quality-fanfiction-co]

The Spring of Burning Forests: Chapter 2 (Geraskier)

The second chapter in now on AO3.

Summary: After finding Jaskier, Geralt has a vivid dream which quickly turns into a nightmare. The danger he wanted to protect them from arrives earlier than expected, and they are forced to flee with the fire raging around them.

For a full summary, see this post. Chapter one is here.

Big thanks to @booichiboo, @sdmcburney, @goshdraws, And my outside-of-Tumblr support Rita. Dedicated to @variousnoises.

Complete, updates every Sunday.

Here’s the first scene:

 In his dream Geralt was walking through a forest. The wind was moving lazily through the branches. The rustling of the leaves was soothing, the air humid and fresh. It was a beautiful day in early spring, one of those that feel neither too hot nor too cold. The sun was gentle on his face. It must have been close to noon as there were no shadows but for the fluid shape of leaves dancing on the ground. As he looked around, he noticed daffodils growing along a river bank, a sea of yellow, water murmuring in the background, calm and clear.

He saw a figure ahead of him. It was a woman clothed in many layers of a semi-transparent fabric, a veil on her head, each part of her body covered, yet clearly visible. As he approached her, he saw that her face was turning into a blur. Her features were shifting fluently, never settling. She smiled at him, a hundred different lips smiling at once.

‘I have something for you.’ Her voice was harsh and soft, young and old at the same time.

She held out her hand. He leaned forwards and saw she was holding a little, wooden sculpture of a deer.

‘I had to wait until the world ends to find it,’ she said, handing it to him.

Geralt took it from her, surprised by the warm feeling suddenly overpowering him as he held on to it.

‘I thought I lost it,’ he said, confused.

He knew he’s never seen it before but the relief after getting it back was stronger than any sense of newness or unfamiliarity.  

‘Lost it?’ She seemed surprised. ‘No, you threw it away.’

‘No, I didn’t. I would never.’ He was weirdly offended but his denial didn’t sound convincing even to himself.

The emotions floating though her face seemed unclear, impossible to read.

His eyes were suddenly drawn to the sculpture. The level of detail seemed impossible. It was as if somebody managed to curve each, tiny hair on the animal out of the soft wood. Its eyes had an odd, lively shine. It was hauntingly beautiful.

Suddenly he noticed a glimmer of light in its coat. The light spread fast. It was burning. The fire engulfed it quickly. The figure was turning into dust but the shape remained, glowing, and Geralt kept it in his hand, feeling no pain or heat.  

‘Why would I?’ He asked her. ‘It’s not human. It’s not real. It’s not even…’

She didn’t let him finish. She laughed as if what he said was funny, but he found that unsettling, a shiver running down his spine.

‘Of course, it is. It’s all of these things, Geralt.’

The way she said his name sounded oddly familiar. As she said it, his hand suddenly felt severely burned and he dropped the ash to the ground, trying to shake it off. He couldn’t. It turned flexible and sticky, and he couldn’t wipe it away. No matter how hard he was fighting to remove it, the pain just kept getting worse, some grains of wood still glimmering and hot.

He looked up at her but she wasn’t there.

Instead, there was a real deer looking back at him from a distance, walking lightly. It was young and healthy, its coat shiny and handsome, sprinkled with golden blots of sunshine. It seemed curious about Geralt, and approached him slowly with growing interest until it stepped on a trunk of an old tree and one of its hooves fell in.

It stopped, tried to move forward again but couldn’t.

Geralt moved closer, steady and slow, doing his best not to scare it.

But as he walked, the animal started to panic, dragging the trapped leg and hurting it more.

‘Calm down, calm down,’ he spoke softly, moving even slower now.  

The deer listened, its ears twitched, the head tilted slightly.

‘Everything will be fine,’ he said reassuringly, getting quite close now.

The animal was strangely endearing. Something about its movements was mesmerizing. Something familiar about it. Something that made a feeling of warmth spread in his stomach, a strong attachment that seemed somehow displaced.

‘Roach?’ He asked as if to explain the sudden surge of emotions. No, it was stupid. It made no sense.

He gently patted the deer’s soft muzzle, surprised it would let him. His hand moved up to its head, and the animal closed its eyes, comforted, no longer struggling. Geralt also felt calmer, the unsettling feeling going away.    

He smiled, a peculiar happiness filled his lungs. It was gentle at first, but then started building up and up until it turned into a weird euphoria. A part of him turned sorrowful as he realised that he hasn’t felt this way in a long time, a racing heart, the sudden rush of blood, a curious kind of joy.

His thoughts were cut short with a sound of a crying animal.

There was blood on the deer wherever he touched it as if his fingers were razor sharp.  

A sudden pang of regret and shame hit him hard, starting slow then quickly turning overwhelming.

He moved away but it was too late. There were cracks appearing on the deer’s skin as if it was made of glass, breaking. A sound of a hundred mirrors hitting the ground filled his ears, deafening and surprising. The deer shattered into small pieces and Geralt closed his eyes trying to block out the image.

When he opened his eyes again there was Jaskier standing right in front of him.

‘What’s wrong, Geralt?’ he asked, looking concerned. ‘Talk to me.’

It seemed so sudden and out of context, all he could feel was a surge of rage.

‘You are what’s wrong,’ he said sharply. ‘You are the only thing that’s wrong with me.’

‘What’s wrong, Geralt?’ he repeated exactly the same as before. ‘Talk to me.’

‘Can you hear me at all?’ Geralt asked, feeling like Jaskier didn’t really see him.

His eyes were distant, seemingly looking towards him but slightly off to the side, creating an uncanny feeling of disconnection.

‘Jaskier?’

‘What’s wrong, Geralt?’ he started again.

‘Just stop, stop that.’

‘Talk to me.’

‘What the fuck do you think I’m doing?’

Geralt tried to push Jaskier. He was looking for a response, any response. Jaskier’s shoulder felt real as he grabbed it. Every part of him seemed physically present and yet he just kept repeating himself, unchanged like some bizarre vision.

The push did nothing. He was immovable. Geralt pushed harder and harder, in vain. Jaskier just stood there the same as before.

‘I’m trying here,’ Geralt said angrily, feeling increasingly lost. ‘I really am.’

‘What’s wrong, Geralt?’

‘No… For fuck’s sake…’

‘Talk to me.’

Geralt’s helplessness was turning into anger, sharp and intense yet remote, as if it belonged to somebody else. He was swiftly losing control over his steadily growing fury, the feeling washing over him with unprecedented force. Without thinking, he grabbed a short knife he kept in his belt and stabbed Jaskier in the stomach.

‘What’s wrong, Geralt?’ Jaskier asked the exact same way as before, his face unchanged.

Geralt’s fingers dug deep into Jaskier’s shoulder as he tried to push him forwards to drive the knife deeper but couldn’t. He grasped his hair, wrapped his hand around his neck, pulling and dragging to no effect. Finally, he just pushed the knife as deep as he could, and yanked it out. Nothing. There was no blood. Jaskier stood there, still unmoved.

Geralt stabbed him again, dragging the blade up as if he was trying to gut him, realising he was holding a hunting knife, the blade arching up. He stopped, pulled the knife out again, and saw clear water seeping out of the wound, crisp and fresh as if it trickled out of a mountain spring. Jaskier’s fancy clothes drenched, the rest unchanged.

‘Why…’ he felt surprised, angry, overwhelmed, and guilty at the same time somehow. ‘You can’t even bleed right, can you?’

To his amazement, Jaskier did move this time. He just stepped ahead and walked straight through him as if he was a ghost.

Geralt turned around and recognised his own back ahead of him, the exact shape of his body, dressed in his clothes, walking away with Jaskier by his side.

Jaskier turned back, his eyes sad. He was clearly hurt. Then the other Geralt turned around too, his face filled with hatred as he stared at his real self with disgust. He took some old cloth out of his bag, tore it into a strip, and tied it around Jaskier’s waist, putting pressure on the wound, careful and considerate despite his harshly confident manner. As soon as it was done, he grabbed Jaskier’s sleeve and pulled him forwards as if trying to get him away from the real Geralt as quickly as possible.

Suddenly Geralt’s arms and legs felt heavy and he couldn’t move. He felt trapped, trying to pull himself ahead but unable to.

As the two figures disappeared behind the trees, he heard a distant sound like hundreds of animals running, twigs breaking, branches pushed away, snapping back.

And then he noticed the smoke, the forest beginning to burn around him.

Still paralyzed, he saw deer running at him in huge numbers. He didn’t feel like himself, as if all his skills and strength left him. He just waited to be crushed by the terrified animals, his fear growing gradually until he started to feel sick.

A strong, impressive stag launched straight at him. As he felt the antlers biting into his flesh, he woke up.

His eyes slowly refocused on the wooden ceiling above his head. He was sweaty and nervous, the sound of hooves hitting the ground still echoing in his head. He waited for it to evaporate along with the uncomfortable feeling of self-disgust, still lingering.

But the sound didn’t stop. It seemed like it was getting closer. Geralt looked out of the window and saw a few herds of deer running ahead, brown coats flashing in between the trees, a sense of panic in the air.

Keep reading on AO3.

[florafey]

Thoughts on QoN

I started reading The Queen of Nothing on 19 November, 2019, and finished it about fifteen minutes ago on 23 November, 2019. Much as I did with The Wicked King, here are my thoughts while reading.

Spoilers, of course, are under the cut

- Oak is EIGHT??? I’ve been writing him like a three year old this whole time lol whoops sorry Oak

- Idk how to feel about this whole Vivi/Heather thing it smells like manipulation to me

- Lmao Jude’s a freelancer gotta love it

- I have now named my Goblin Brain Grima Mog how dope is that name fr

- Jude is an adrenaline addict and that’s a fact

- “It feels good to be fighting someone other than myself” SWEETIE CARDAN LOVES YOU

- Oooooooh I like Grima Mog I have a feeling she and Jude are going to cross paths again, maybe in Faeire

- (Also not surprised by Grima’s prediction of Cardan being dethroned soon that boy hates his job more than retail workers during the holidays)

- Oh look, three books in and Jude is finally admitting her feelings for Cardan

- I love the juxtaposition between Taryn in her pretty dress and Jude literally being two steps from death and not seeming to care lol

- Hmmmm okay I want to believe that Taryn killed Locke but couldn’t this just be a way to get Jude back into Faerie??? Idk why they would want that but I don’t trust Taryn 

- (Also I hope Locke is dead it would be Taryn’s one redeeming quality)

- ooooooohhhhhh shit Taryn’s PREGNANT AASHHSJSDKJDKSSKLDSJDJSJ HAHAHHAHAH this is too good oh no

- There’s literally zero chance of this plan of Jude pretending to be Taryn is going to go well. Or even close to well

- “Squeeze hug” awww that’s gonna be in a fic I promise

- This feels like The Parent Trap

- I’m sweating

- ITS CAAAAAAARDAAAAAAAN 

- Oh and his tail is out wow good for him

- Fuck a duck I love his tail

- And gold eyeliner, stellar cosmetic choice if I may say so

- Yep I knew it see here she goes off to his chambers he’s gonna find out eeeeekkkkk

- He knowsssssss he been knew of COURSE he been knew how could I be so stupid to think he didn’t know it was Jude this whole time I’m a clown and a fool

- Wow I’m kind of soft right now I love my babies and they clearly love each other but they’re being so ANGSTY AAAAAA

- “Wisdom is for the meek” uhh??? Madoc what are you talking about bud

- Ahhhh see now Jude is getting protective over her throne and crown, she’s blooming into a Queen....good shit for sure

- Also Jude better be the spy she was born to be now that she’s in Madoc’s camp and he thinks she’s Taryn

- Oh, she’s going foraging in the woods? By herself? Yeah, this is gonna go great, Oriana, really

- Yeah def can’t trust Grimsen although I love how Holly Black describes his work and how they’re beautiful but also deadly and cursed

- I’d like to hear more about how he tried to kill Cardan with that ruby earring and failed lol

- tHE GHOST??? What the hell is he doing here???? Am I the only one who just thought homeboy was dead?? Yikes lol

- Ugh Locke was such a Man good thing he’s rotting now

- “You’re scheming” “I’m always scheming” yeah ain’t that the truth bby

- uh oh MOMMY KNOWS heheheheheh

- Well no wonder Cardan turned out like this look at how he was raised, poor boy

- I mean, to be fair, look at Jude while you’re at it

- Oh hey it’s the Roach

- OH HEY ITS CARDAN

- Awwww Vivi went to Cardan because she thought Jude was in trouble and not only did he go to the Roach to go get Jude but he came too !! wow for people who can’t stand each other they make quite the gang 

- I love how inconvenienced Cardan seems by Locke’s death but not actually sad lol what a mood

- Breaking into Grimsen’s forge does NOT sound like a good idea no sir

- Ugh king and queen wow

- I cannot WAIT for Madoc to realize the Jude is the High Queen I cannot

- AYYYY MY GIRL GRIMA MOG what did I tell y’all, hmmm?

- Wow Madoc really just stabbed Jude like that and is going to leave her ??? the disrespect

- Ohh my god oh wow her blood is making flowers grow she’s a QUEEN wow look at that, you go bby

- Ah fuck Jude, you got set up by the bumb ass father you have

- ABAHAHAHAHHHAH this isn’t funny but Jude falling from the rafters onto the banquet table is on par with the beauty of Kaz and Wylan falling through the ceiling onto Van Eck’s dining room table heheheh

- @hollyblack can I breathe??? Shit girl

- Cardan said THATS MY WIFE 

- Wow Cardan washing Jude’s hands herself??? This boy is in loooove

- Oak and Jude’s maid playing Uno ????? Iconic

- “You’re generally terrifying” oh same Cardan

- So Jude really could have pardoned herself this whole time!!!!!! Come ON sis how didn’t you pick up on that WE picked up on it (don’t worry tho we know you’ve been stressed it’s okay you’re here now)

- And Cardan really expected her to pardon herself I have no words for this boy 

- Jude and Cardan’s relationship is so strange but at least it’s healthy now, you know?

- Look at Cardan being vulnerable and Jude not being mean to him for it 

- He’s being KIIIIIND WHAATTT

- “This is my room, and that’s my wife” AAHAHAHHAHH

- Cardan touches her hair oh my gooooooood i’m dying send help

- Can y’all tell I’ve been deprived lol

- Hahahahah Jude trashed Lady Asha, as she should 

- So I think I like QoN Cardan the most, although I did find Cardan in the first two books terribly entertaining to read about (Srry Jude)

- So Taryn seems to be behaving better than she did in the first two books, kind of being a badass, knowing the Ghost’s true name and all

Cardan likes hearing about slushy machines are you kiDDING ME????

- “Our marriage is an alliance” okay but you sleeping in his shirts isn’t, now, is it? Or how about him petting your hair? Or you thinking he looks cute in gold eyeliner?? lol Jude get real

- Aw I like this Fand/Jude freindship us girls gotta look out for each other

- Grima Mog more like Grima MOM lol

-��“Big horns, little dude” LMAO HEATHER STOPP

- I’m enjoying Heather, I have to say

- Finally they kiss it only took TWO HUNDRED PAGES 

- oh guys they really like each other im soft

- Casual hand holding? yes 

- I can’t believe these are the same idiots who were trying to drown each other in the first book 

- look they’re trying to be vulnerable and without armor I’m gonna cry

- I feel quite uneasy about this Queen Suren girl who’s parents have her leashed somehow

- Oh wow fuck Grimsen am I right

- Oh SHIT Cardan really broke the crown like it didn’t mean shit to him...the development...the wisdom

- Cardan really said I want my WIFE and my PEOPLE 

- Oh wait fuck fuck fuck oh no stop wait

- Lmao Jude collapsing on the floor is literally me whenever I have to be in charge

- Okay there’s gotta be a way out of this, I didn’t mean it literally when I said Cardan was a snake

- Hey, Jude’s like, smart as shit, no?

- Hahahaha she basically said “Cardan is like, 90% of my impulse control”

- I love how Taryn is hyping Jude up throughout this while shitshow, I love how the two of them have developed past their book one probems

- The Bomb teasing Jude about the dust on her skirts made my day

- Look at Jude really having healthy realtionships with the women around her, I’m so proud of my little murder gir

- Nicassia better come in clutch here, I don’t trust Jarel or Nore not one bit

- Uhhh that story Heather told about the snake that wanted to marry the princess made me howl with laughter and I don’t think it was supposed to

- Vivi got Cardan a snowglobe that says “Congratulations on your promotion” for his coronation gift and he kept did DID EVERYONE HEAR ME I SAID VIVI-

- Oh damn Kaye alright no need for all that

- Ohhhh I had totally forgot about the dress in book one that Jude ordered but received a different one instead... Cardan sent it?? wild 

- Okay I hope Jude knows what she’s doing but when has she ever not

- The UNDERSEA HEEEEEELLL YEAH

- Oh look and Cardan!!!!!!! Yeah Jude knew what she was doing that’s my girl

- Awwww look at that hug wow the development these two have been through is unreal I’ll keep saying it 

- “I knew little else, but I always knew you” KILL ME

- Oh wow mortals and mingling more with the folk this is good

- Robert of Jersey lmaoooo

- So the Ghost and Taryn ??? Kind of funny but I’m kind of here for it

- I’m literally so close to tears and I’m not kidding they’re having a fucking WEDDING CELEBRATION in the MORTAL WORLD with a banner that says “Congrats Newlyweds” yeah I’m crying now thanks a lot Holly

- Cardan adjusts his paper crown in the microwave reflection so it’s skewed......I don’t think I can react any more I really afjsflsdk

-Wow that was better than anything I could have imagined, hoped for, dreamed of

- The character development, the plot, the resolution, EVERTHING was astounding I’m blown away

This was long as shit If you made it this far, I appreciate you lol. Now go read all three Folk of the Air books again. Go now

[delicrieux]

—MAKE YOU SAY “OH” EXTRAS: TINDER

extra meaning non-canonical occurrence; can be placed anywhere in the “make you say oh” timeline after couple (cha. 14) and before the final “oh”. 

pairing—corpse husband x f!reader warnings—tinder profiles, tw: men, swearing.  word count—2.6k. format— written. ─── ❥ req by nonnie​:  y/n makes a youtube vid/live stream where she's just swiping through her tinder acc and corpse literally blocks her lmao

author’s note—akldsljfs this was such a funny idea i could not not write it lmao

ultimate masterlist. myso masterlist

You have pulled the biggest brain move by setting up both a facecam and a screen recorder on your phone. All is beautifully displayed and visible during the stream. Your fanbase is particularly intrigued on what exactly are you planning on doing today, seeing as your tweet of “strea” had been a bit vague, if not downright ominous. No emojis. No elaboration. You couldn’t even be bothered to finish the word. Truly, a mystery. Everyone tuned in and are currently waiting with bated breath.

A few of your fans must sense upcoming doom because the overall mood in the chat turns from optimistically intrigued to...evil. It’s an entity all on it’s own now, clawing at you through the screen with various renditions of laughter and devil emojis. A few eggplants thrown in there for good measure, accompanied, naturally, by the scandalous water drops. At first the common consensus is that you’re biting the bullet and going through your camera roll on stream. Definitely an idea worth considering, though you frankly don’t know what lies at the start of the 11k photograph journey, and you are afraid to check in public. Could be a harmless meme, could be a salacious pic you had saved of an OF star. It’s really a gamble. Either way, you would definitely get banned. You might still get banned. Why do you insist on doing shit like this?

Because it’s funny. Because you’re kinda stupid. Because it’s just so absolutely laughably easy to do.

A smile quirks your lips, and while it is not explicitly smug, the look in your eyes sure is, “Greetings,” You utter lowly, dimming the lights--the budget for this stream! Ugh, you went all out, “my children.”

mother i crave violence

sensing evil energy rn!!

i do not claim the energy in this video for myself or anyone else watching this 💖💖

^with peace and love shut the fuck up

“I know y’all lowkey hoes-” Upon your words the chat splits into two: one side eagerly agrees (even shares a few OF accounts! How helpful, supporting small businesses!), whilst the other feverishly insists on innocence. You make a face stuck somewhere between offended and bewildered, “Now c'mon now-I know you. I know you all. We’re the same, don’t-what was that?”

You try to scroll back to the comment but it’s loss in the sea of incoming messages, “I swear to God I just saw-”

Corpse_Husband: i love late night streams it’s not like i have anything better to do.

“COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPSE!!!!” 

rip headphone users

i cant feel my face when im with you by the weeknd but instead of face its my fucking ears

yall think full vol on pc is better?my parents woke up 😭😭😭😭

To think he’s spending his last waking moments for today with watching you (he probably still would have anyway, because you do not posses an ounce of shame or self-control and pester him relentlessly)! It makes your heart sing, and suddenly, a traitorous, fun hating idea barges it’s way through the crowd of incoherent buzzing and states: don’t do this. For some reason it also has the voice of Rae. As if that would work in guilt-tripping you- Rae never succeed, and her fictitious rendition in mind won’t fare much better either.

Still, you thought about it. That must count for something. Corpse will understand, won’t he? Why don’t you want to upset it in the first place? Men look so funny when they lose their shit, like hello, don’t you have anything better to do? But the image of Corpse just sitting there, hurt, distraught, leaving you on seen because he’s in his sad boy hours leaves a sour taste in your mouth. 

queen rly went from  🥺😊 to 😕 u ok bbgirl?

Corpse_Husband: no pouts cutie

akjdjoeijdfse cUTIE??? deadass boutta r.i.p.

Well that succeeded in eliminating everything from mind, doubts included. If this was an anime, the scenery would shift into something roseate, with flowers and bubbles and sparkles all around you along with a halo or two. Alas, not an anime, rather reality. The led-lights, however, seemingly possessing a will of their own, slowly turn from deep violet to pink. You smile brightly, like the absolute dumbass you are, and you are met with a ray of heart and blushing emojis. You are just so cute, a real cutie! Still in your disguise adorable state, you swipe your finger on your phone screen, the grin never leaving your lips.

There, among the plethora of apps, nestled sits a red square with a white fire plastered on it. The delicate calligraphy on the bottom reads: TINDER.

The mood changes once again- you’re giving the roaches emotional instability by how quickly everything flips over- and the chat spams eggplants vigorously; some, of course, bravely fight against the thirst.

nooooooo i thought y/n is gonna stream in a god honoring way!!!

^pack it up girl defined

“So, Charlie and I-” You note a few awfully curious comments and squint, “-yes, we talk a lot. Charlie is a really good friend of mine. We’re best friends. Brothers. Sisters. Cousins. The whole fucking family tree-no, that sounds weird. Delete. Anyway, Charlie, being the absolute fucker he is, said, hey, you know what would be funny? And I was like, nooo, what would be funny, Charlie? And he says to me, he says, says, making fun of men on Tinder. And if y’all need any more proof that Charlie and I are platonic soulmates, then dunno, my children, my roaches, I dunno-I dunno what more to give you.”

You can’t be bothered reading the comments, there’s too damn many. You also need to save your reading comprehension for the actual bios. It has a time limit, that darn thing. 

“Okay, so I made a profile earlier, but I hadn’t swiped on anyone yet-” Despite the fact, Tinder helpfully informs you that already 99+ people have swiped right on you, “So, this is me,” You show the pictures you have of yourself, and damn, not to be a conceited narcissist, but you look really good. Like if you saw yourself on Tinder, you’d super like instantly. “Uhm, so, my bio-my bio says: let’s sauce in the tub together, ya dig? splishy splashy, giggle giggle.” 

i cant believe we are witnessing y/n trying to form a coherent sentence live 

shes trying give her time

ya dig??? y not capeesh

what scene from the godfather is this lol?

“My anthem, is,” You laugh, covering your lips with your hand, “Corpsie, this is form you-” Proudly, you show that indeed, Corpse’s E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE is listed as your anthem on Spotify, “Hehe.” Yes, you say that aloud.

Corpse_Husband: you’re killing me Corpse_Husband: thanks baby Corpse_Husband: now delete tinder ❤︎

You ignore his last quip, deciding it’s finally time to get this show on the road, “Right, let’s do this shit. I’m not actually going to swipe on any guys that look, uh, decent? Yuck, can’t believe I just said that, uhm, because I-because I feel like some actually deserve a chance with someone? I don’t wanna get anyone’s hopes up, as I am currently in a long distance relationship with Chrollo. So I’m just gonna swipe on, like, frat boy assholes. Because I don’t care if I hurt their feelings. Quite frankly I don’t think they possess them in the first place.”

The chat voices their agreements. With the ground rules set, you, giddy, click on the first profile.

Does Tinder know what you’re doing, your plan? The FBI agent watching you through your phone must be working overtime, bless his heart. They must, because the the first guy to meet you is named Jason, and there he is, blond hair and blue eyes, holding up a fish the size of his torso. Marginally adequate in looks, pretty good muscles. A solid 7 bordering on 8. He’s the same age as you, 15 miles away, and he studies at some college you don’t care enough to look up. Bio reads:

I like to drive fast. Fishing is my passion, but if you can’t catch me by the ocean, you’ll catch me catching waves, bro! Love a good gym date. You do squats, and I’ll keep a close eye to make sure you’re doing it correctly ;) You probably saw me at a party. Leader of the The Phi Kappa Psi. I’m a Gemini, if that matters lol.

You, of course, read it aloud, dramatically; provide some constructive criticism-he seems nice, but he’s a Gemini, so naturally, you can’t trust him at all! Also, that gym date session leaves little to be desired. With your rant done, you swipe right, and shocker! (not), it’s an instant match.

“Okie, I still wanna swipe of some profiles, so I’ll see what he’ll text later-” For a second you wonder the legalities of this stream, but you’re having too much fun to think of it further, “guys, I won't get sued, right?”

NOW she considers it

well....

if you do, we’ll kickstart your lawyer dw <3

Onto the next profile. Kevin, 25, is seen fixing his car- or, you assume he’s mid-fixing it, you don’t really know why else he’d hold a wrench and be covered in oil. He’s shirtless, and the caveman part of your brain echoes something closely resembling AWOOOGA!, but...but!...blonde hair, blue eyes. You pout again, “I don’t...I don’t really like blond boys, ya know? With the blue eyes and all, it’s just not my thing, uhm, unless it’s like-like...Armin from Attack on Titan. Else I don’t care.”

Onto the bio:

You have to treat a car like you treat a woman: go on long rides, take the lead, but most importantly, keep her oiled up 😜 

“What the fuck did I just read?”

The chat is equally confused. You swipe right anyway- another match. Too easy.

The stream continues without incident for a solid thirty minutes- all of your matches, expect a few that genuinely looked like normal dudes that really couldn’t write a decent bio to save their lives, had been blond hair blue eyed gym rats with ranging forms of misogyny. Some opened with asking for nudes out right, some asked about your day first before asking for nudes. You prefer the former. Straight to the point! You admire the gall. 

But then, down the forty-five minute mark a profile popped up that made you still by your phone, your smile dying as your eyes bulged. Dear God. Lord in heaven. Who is this demonspiit lookalike and why is he so fucking hot? The neck tats, the skateboard, the clothes- holy shit, you gotta close your mouth before some drool dribbles out.

No bio, just his name, Tyler, and that he’s 23.

“He boutta be 23 in me.” You mutter, swiping right with lightning speed.

WHAT DID SHE SAYYYYY?????????

tyler is y/ns karma for relentlessly mocking that one guy that had a whole ass list on what his “female” partner should be

^he deserved it and also tyler seems like a typical fuckboi y/n grow a braincell

look at mom 🥺 her eyes are sparkling

It wasn’t a match right away. You somehow expected as much, but it still upset you. Simp behavior, pathetic. The stream continued bravely, and when Tyler messaged you a simple “yo” you totally didn’t sequel. You didn’t manage to text him back on stream: texting all those guys that you didn’t really find all that attractive was easy, but this...You’re a sucker for a man who radiates red flag energy. His whole profile is a red flag. He might just be a red flag himself.

What can you do? Suddenly becoming color blind is not easy. Once the stream ends, you unmatch with everyone expect Tyler. He you chat with for a bit, but a sudden craving for different company makes you abandon him, too. You don’t feel too heartbroken for him- you’re certain there’s already too many girls in his dms. You wish them luck.

Happily, you delete Tinder. You go to Twitter, notice you’re trending again- look at you go! Queen shit- and as you compose a thank you tweet, something strange happens. You go to text Corpse, but when you click on his profile you grow cold.

YOU’RE BLOCKED. You can’t follow or see @/Corpse_Husband ‘s Tweets. 

...Pardon? You hop onto Instragram and-also blocked. Seriously? And you thought you’re one petty bitch. Corpse is seriously prissy about everything. Damn, if he didn’t like your stream, he could’ve just said so. Didn’t need to, like, block you from his internet existence. So not cool.

You try texting him but no text go through. Well how will you let him know you deleted Tinder just like he asked? You relieve your frustrations by punching your pillow a few times. Later, you apologize to her, you didn’t mean to hurt her, it’s not her, it’s you. Fuck, 5 minutes of exile and you’re already loosing your mind.

“Raeeeeeeeeeeee!” You whine loudly. It’s roughly 2am now, but you don’t care. You’re too heartbroken to care. There’s a thump from her room, but nothing else, “Raeeeeeeeee!!!” You wail, wallowing in self-pity on your bed. You hear a very loud, very annoyed sigh from her room, followed by angry marching. Your door is abruptly thrown open, and in the dim, colorful light you see her scowl.

“What?” She grits.

“Can you please tell Corpse to unblock me from everything?”

“What did you do now?”

“I made fun of men on Tinder.”

She pauses, “...That doesn’t sound so bad.” She surmises, voice laced with suspicion, “What else?”

“...There was one really hot guy that I kinda sorta talked to after--”

“Y/n.”

“-But I totally deleted Tinder and honestly he was pretty boring, so, like, uhm, please?”

She sighs, the servery of which implies she is holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, and instantly you know that you won. She taps away at her phone, “You owe me one.” She states, and before you can reply, she exits your room and slams the door behind her.

Grinning, you text his phone again. The message goes through, oh gosh, you’re so relieved you feel like crying. This has been, officially, the worst five minutes of your life.

You Y DID U BLOCK ME LOSER!!! MAJOR LOSER ALERT!! I DELETED EVERYTHING IT WAS A JOKE r u still mad at me? y u always mad at me i never do anything:(

my husband You’re my baby, how do you think I’ll react when I see you publicly simping for some asshole on Tinder?

Oh no, he used the words, he delivered the killing blow. You’re finished. Your heart can’t take such a workout. 

Not that you would ever admit it to him, though!

You hehe ur jellyyyy u always dis jealous hehe?

my husband Not jealous.

Yeah, you might not be the brightest tool in the shed, but even you know that’s a lie. You send him an array of kissy emojis that he doesn’t have the decency to reply to. Then, completely unprompted and dead serious, you send him a simple voice memo, saying: “You really have nothing to worry about, you know? You’re my favorite, Corpsie.”

He responds via text, reiterating that he’s not fucking jealous and that he just doesn’t like when you show such outward interest in anyone but it’s not like he cares or anything. It’s just really, like, weeeeird to see his baby simping for another man like that totally ruins the whole dynamic!!! It was only natural that he should block you on every social media platform, including his personal number (which, like, was completely necessary! Doesn’t matter that his viewers can’t see it, it’s gotta be super believable!), and inform his followers of that, because it’s all a joke, like, for the dynamic, that Youtube grind, you know? Ya dig? No personal feelings were involved at all. He totally wasn’t upset that you found someone else cute, no way!

my husband I’m not jealous. Lol.

You ik u repeated tht like 50 times  u trynna convince me or??? lmao

my husband No comment. ...You don’t actually talk to anyone else like we’re talking, right?

You no one else calls me their baby if thts wat ur wondering at least not to my knowledge lol im all urs

my husband That makes me very happy to hear:)

Yeah, it makes you very happy, too.

hope you liked it!! xx

[hellachild]

Hey girl! Can you write a soap or ghost x reader fic, where the reader is finishing up on her exams and is about to graduate, but she is stressing because her bf is still on a mission and she hasn't heard from him for awhile. But eventually he and the full 141 show up during the ceremony, with some fluff after :) Thank you!

Got you! Here it is, my first tumblr work! Hope you like it💖💖💖 (it gave me some amazing spiderman 2 vibes btw)

The day (which probably any student is afraid of) has come – the day of final exams. You were so afraid that you couldn’t pass it, that you would fail and disgrace yourself in front of everyone. Upset Soap…Unfortunately (or fortunately), he was not there now, because he was called to the base almost a month ago. He didn’t say anything about this, he only clarified that the matter was important and he needed to go. Of course, you didn’t really like it, but what can you do? This is his job; his whole life is in Credenhill. When seeing off him, you only prayed for one thing – that he was not called on a mission, but to fill in some bumps. Bureaucracy does exist in the army, right?

All your doubts turned out to be stupid. You have passed all exams perfectly! All the problems are behind, except for one. There was no news from Soap. You knew that the connection in Credenhill was bad, and it was forbidden to use cell phones, but he could send at least a letter. One miserable letter and you would be calm. Is everything good with him? Now it seemed to you that you would spend your graduation all by your lonesome. You were afraid to think about the bad things, but terrible thoughts came to your mind themselves.

The days approached the graduation, and now, this day has come. Now you are no longer a student, but a graduate! Today they will give you a diploma. But you don’t care. You are not happy about this. You had a different idea of this day. Joyful and memorable... You thought that you will spend it with your loved one, boast of your successes and tell him that all this is thanks to him. And who should you say if Soap was not around? No news from him. All thoughts in your head are bad and disturbing. You thought about the K.I.A. and M.I.A reports.

You stood behind the stage with a neat stack of paper in your hands. It was your speech that you should have read as one of the best graduates. Your hands were shaking slightly, but this is normal, everyone is sometimes nervous. In this black robes and silly student hat, you looked like a sorceress. Oh, if only you could move Soap here with your magic, so that he would be there at such a momentous moment! With his support, you would definitely not be nervous. Meanwhile, the presenter of the microphone called one name after another – other students went out to give their speeches. And finally, the presenter called your name. You, squeezing paper with text, go on stage. Your gaze is directed somewhere down, because you are a little shy. Still, a lot of people are watching, so they wouldn’t screw it up. Standing near the podium, you put the text on it and raise your eyes to your audience and look around it. Can’t be! You do not believe your eyes.

In the crowd of viewers you see such a familiar, dear and beloved face. Soap’s. And he was not alone! It seemed the entire composition of TF-141 sitting nearby. Is this a dream? No, this is not a dream! Soap smiles broadly and waves to you. The rest of the guys do the same. You are so glad to see them, because they are all your close friends. Did Soap bring them here? How were they released from service? You’ve been thinking about Soap and the other guys all this time, and now they are here at your graduation party and are listening to your speech. A real miracle. You also smile broadly. It seems you are no longer nervous and not afraid. When you finished your speech and bowed to everyone, Soap suddenly applauded. Following him, Roach, Ghost and Price began to clap their hands, whistle and scream, and then all the spectators. You burst into tears. Of course, from happiness. They have returned...

After your performance, the guys came to you backstage. You immediately rushed to hug Soap, and then all the others, not having time to say how you missed them all. You didn’t ask them where they had been all this time. The most important thing is that they are living and healthy! And Soap is next to you again, and you are again in his arms and kiss him...The rest is no longer important.

— Y/n, did you really think that we could miss such an important day? — he asked. — You won’t get it! I reserved a table in your favorite restaurant, and the guys bought flowers by the way. A huge bouquet! Sorry to make you worry, dear, — you asked him not to apologize. — I hope tonight can make amends for you, — you said that he was not guilty of anything, kissing him on the cheek. — Well, okay, put aside the conversations. Let's go celebrate? — everyone answered "yes".

You thought this day would be the worst of your life.

But Soap thought differently.

[hardeepcox]

Visa Run #3

 Before I start this, I want to add that during Visa Run#2 my dad, Poomi and I found May at the Foxzee’s bargirl place. Business was dead though because of Chinese New Year and actually it felt pretty awkward. I also want to add May had acquired a laugh that seemed more like a maniacal cackle, true story. Seems hilarious now though oh my god. May and I had been messaging every now and then so we stayed somewhat in touch, but when we met this time the atmosphere just felt really awkward. She told me how less fat I now looked and then invited me to play pool. She destroyed me in the first game. We had a re-match, and the bar boss then told her to let me win (thanks for the intel Poomi [he understands Thai]). Dude I am so bad at pool that I actually sunk the 8 ball too early and managed to lose again. I give up at pool, another awkward beer later, I can hear Poomi’s soul faintly saying “true…. yup….” (this is his catch phrase and also the mantra that I mentally tell myself to be chill). He’s bored, and honestly so am I and my dad. We end up spending that night roaming around and drinking beer in random places, pretty chill.

  Okay the ACTUAL Visa Run #3

This was my third and final visa run thus far. And for some reason I found myself going to Bangkok ALONE.

 The dumbass company that I work for (whose name I won’t say but rhymes with ee em gee) said we had to go to a capital city to get our new visas, we couldn’t go to the Cambodian border and get new visas like literally every other English teacher in the city. This then became my one shot at exploring Bangkok again on my own and getting to know this city better.

 Day 1 The first stupid thing I did.

 I didn’t know that there was a metro train going straight from the Suvarnabhumi airport in Bangkok to my hotel, so I got stuck in multiple cabs during rush hour, got sent to the wrong address, and walked for over an hour while dragging my carry-on luggage. Yeah it sucked but dammit it looked so cool. After walking under and over a sketchy bridge or two, I finally got to my hotel. Damn it actually looked pretty nice, well on the outside at least. I definitely killed a few roaches in my room that night. I only had 2 nights so I planned to make the most of it.

 The second stupid thing I did.

I went to the one place that I had only heard about in legends… Nana Plaza. I was now experienced in the partying ways of Thailand, these guys don’t fuck around. I took a Grab motorbike taxi to the place, and the driver drops me off right outside the beginning of a street full of bars. They seem to be stemming from this big place that looks like an outdoor shopping center at your local suburban neighborhood, except for all of the stores were replaced with strip-clubs. Read that again, and nope I am actually not exaggerating. Imagine an outdoors shopping center where you would expect to see Baby Gap, Auntie Annes, Toys r Us Express, Hallmark, CVS Pharmacy, and a local tae-kwon-do dojo, but they have all been replaced by strip-clubs. Yeah and lots of red colored lights. I took a lap around the bar in the center, and the music was absolutely pumping in every single one of the surrounding rooms. I walked up to the second floor, and it got a bit more intense. I think or at least it seemed to me like this floor was the ladyboy floor. Two ladyboys would stand by the entrance to the bars and hit you with something, like a small whip or something. Not my thing, if you’re into this kind of stuff, well then hey you do you bro. Nana’s Plaza is a bit much for me at the moment so I step out to see some of the smaller local bars. My method of choosing which bar to enter first is to listen for the one that starts playing reggaeton first. A couple beers later I’m kinda tipsy, so I go BACK into Nana’s Plaza. I somehow stumble straight in and a lady tries to pull my arm. “Real girls here in this bar” she says. I reply, “what about that bar straight ahead?” She goes “I don’t know.” My drunk logic says this person is trying to reverse-psychology my ass, I’m going straight into the ‘I don’t know room,’ fuck it. She lady is surprised while I zoom past her into this unknown abyss.

I walk into this room, and I see a stage with a pole with a bunch of girls dancing. I take a seat right in front of them, which I usually refer to as the “splash-zone.” I sit down and order a local beer, probably a Chang, and suddenly all the girls that were dancing began to line-up in a horizontal line in front me and give me the sad puppy eyes. They want me to choose one to sit next to me. I go “hey actually I just wanna drink my beer.” They try to look even sadder and bummed out. I try to ignore them. After a couple awkward sips of my beer I figure well I guess I’m supposed to actually choose one in this place. So I pick the one that I think is the hottest. She’s happy that I chose her and she sits on my left. Immediately she grabs my left hand, puts it over shoulder, under her bra, and suddenly I’m holding her boob. I was like damn that was quick uhh I’ll just keep chillin and sipping on my beer. She tells me she’s a university student, and some point makes a comment that I find confusing. I don’t remember what she said, but my response to that was “wait…. Is this a ladyboy bar?” She says yep and laughs her ass off. I go “wait so all those hot girls on-stage are actually dudes?” She says yep. I go “ohhhh… okay then cheers!” And we have a beer. I look across the room and I notice that the bartenders are also ladyboys, but not the kind that look like supermodels. They are just regular dudes, with guts, who want to be women. At that point I realize that being a ladyboy is not necessarily just about transforming yourself into a supermodel, some dudes just want to be chicks. And hey I can respect that. You do you bro. Anyways, my ladyboy then says, “hey I have milk too.” I say, “shut up no you don’t.” She goes, “wanna see?” I reply, “um fuck YES.” The ladyboy pulls down her bra, squeezes her nipple, and a few drops of white liquid come out. I’m like “duuddeeee that’s fucking awesome!” and I give her a high-five. She asks me, “wanna taste?” I say “dude fuck youuu” and we are hysterically laughing our asses off. Then she decides to take it up a notch and asks me if I wanna take her back to my place for 3000 baht. I say nah sorry I’m not into that. She replys, “oh it’s your first time? Okay then half price.” I say, “nahh sorry I’m not down.” Eventually she gives up and start to go back with the rest of the ladyboys. Before she leaves she says “can I get a tip?” I had already paid for the beers so I was like, “why?” But I just want to leave so I give her a 100 baht so she can go away. She then says, “can I have 200 baht more? I want to buy food.” I say “uh hell no.” She smiles and slithers back into the darkness. And I proceed to get the hell out of that place.

 The third stupid thing I did.

 I was hungry, and I was determined to eat some mozzarella chicken at Family Mart. I walked around Bangkok drunk as hell, through random streets, looking for a Family Mart. I find nothing but back to back 7-elevens and I am so incredibly annoyed. I eventually give up and get some basil rice with chicken at a 7-eleven. After over an hour of roaming around the city and looking for Family Mart, I hail a street taxi and head back to the hotel. Day 1, complete.

 Funny enough… in the morning I walk outside my hotel and there is a fucking Family Mart literally across the street. I scurry my way across the street and go into Family Mart, mozzarella chicken here I come! I then realize, they only serve this dish in Vietnamese Family Mart… not Thai Family Mart… fuck me.

 Damn Bangkok, you always find a way to surprise me you sly bastard.

 *I forgot to mention that earlier during Day 1, I had to stop by the Vietnamese Embassy in Bangkok to get a new Visa. This was the whole reason of me being in Bangkok in the first place. The office which handles Visa applications is literally a hole in the wall, literally dude. And what’s funny is that it’s located in a reallyyyy nice part of town. It honestly felt like Northwest Washington DC, but of course the hole in the wall just felt like an actual hole.*

  Day 2

 I decide to explore the city on foot. As I stroll around, I see my hotel is located on Sukhumvit 71, near a Muslim community on one side and a bargirl community on the other side. Super interesting, I hadn’t seen this often in Asia except for in some streets near Ben Thanh Market in Ho Chi Minh City. I ordered a coffee, I think the lady was a Thai Muslim and she was super nice. But of course… no coffee will ever compare to Vietnamese coffee, the best in the fucking world. I only drink milk-coffee, for some reason it tastes like home. I explore a bit more and I notice the metro station is literally next to my hotel. Jesus I’m an idiot, but okay lesson learned. Anyways I can walk for hours, so I keep going like the energizer bunny. I get some spicy Thai food near a gas station, it was like spicy garlic chicken with rice, veggies, and a fried egg on top. Dope. I crushed it. My mouth was on fire and I was craving caffeine again so I walked to a nearby coffee shop and sipped on some damn good local coffee. I used the coffee shop’s wifi and I called a Grab taxi to take me to Sukhumvit road near the Hilton to reminisce the good old times I had previously had with my dad, Paper, and later on Poomi. I get there and I am walking for hours again, enjoying every second of it. I get lost, and suddenly come across different streets that I have seen before during my previous trips. I am absolutely loving this, downtown Bangkok is becoming more and more familiar. Also keep in mind that I am eating random foods along the way. Damn downtown Bangkok is amazing, I estimate it’s about 20 years ahead of Ho Chi Minh City in regards to development. Sky train, subway, and advanced technology every step of the way. As I continue roaming around I start to feel tired and I think about going back home, also I’m full. SUDDENLY. I find myself resting on a walking bridge in between two shopping malls, and I see a fucking TACO BELL! Dude! My first Taco Bell outside of the US! I rushed in there and ordered a taco combo meal with beef. So full but so worth it. I decided to keep walking so I could burn at least 2% of the calories I had been consuming that day. It starts getting dark out, and I can feel the vibe of the city changing. When the lights go out in this concrete jungle, the night beings come out to chill. I only have this evening left in this trip so I decide to make the most of it, let’s go to Soi Cowboy!

 I start walking towards Soi Cowboy on foot (soi means “side street” in Thai), and now it’s dark. Tons of working girls are sitting on the sidewalks, all trying to get your attention. The streets definitely feel more intense than in the morning and afternoon. I keep walking and walking, and eventually I make it! I start walking towards Soi Cowboy and along the way there is a little bar next to the street playing some rock music that catches my attention. I decide to keep this spot in mind. I walk into Soi Cowboy. This shit feels really intense when you go alone, and the strippers or ladyboys are out on the street pulling people into their bars. I decide that I had enough of this shit last night, I’m going back to that street bar I just walked by. I walk to the street bar, get a chair, and start sipping on a Chang beer. Two older ladies are working there and letting the customers choose the songs. Dude if you let me DJ at a bar you KNOW I’m gonna play reggaeton, 100% chance. One lady has good English so we are chatting, the other lady doesn’t speak much English so she sits behind me and starts massaging my shoulders. This lady massaged my entire upper body while I sat there that night, I never even asked for a massage. These ladies are bar-ladies, so they will ask you to buy them drinks. I figure ah hell why not, it’s my last night and I am actually having a good time! We must have been like 4 or 5 beers in when the massage lady says, “hey choose any bottle and I’ll buy you a shot.” I know what’s going down… these ladies are trying to get me to blackout! I, having much experience in blacking out, have an idea. Most Asian girls that I’ve met don’t know much about the strength of liquor/spirits, whatever you want to call it. I look at the options: vodka, tequila, gin, absinthe, jagermeister, you know… the classics! Somehow, I notice a lonely bottle of Malibu, this is a fruity flavored rum with a relatively low alcohol percentage. These ladies don’t know the difference between Malibu and Jose Cuervo, so I order a bitch shot of coconut Malibu and gulp it down. The ladies then expected me to blackout any minute…. Any minute now….. umm…. Anyyyy minute now?! Nope. I was just tipsy and feeling good! So I decide okay I’ll call it a night, time to call Grab. I get the bill it was about 3000 baht! Ouch, but I had a good time so it’s cool. Then the lady with good English asks me, “would you like to take my friend home?” She was referring to the massage lady, who by the way had already digivolved a couple decades ago. I kindly refused. Then, the massage lady asks me for a tip, she had massaged me over an hour non-stop. By now I was tipsy, but I remembered the ladyboy last night asking me for a tip at Nana’s Plaza twice, and this time I was like aw helll nooo. I didn’t tip the massage lady and she was angry as hell, she wouldn’t even say goodbye to me. I called a Grab bike, and he was out there waiting for me in a crowd full of cabs trying to pick-up other drunk, idiot foreigners. Cab drivers of different ages would stand in my way as I walked to my Grab driver, and me being a drunk asshole was actually shoving them to the side! Haven’t done that ever before or since, but I think I was just drunkenly annoyed at people trying to constantly scam me. I finally find my Grab driver and I hop on.

A slight drizzle begins and I don’t have a raincoat, but damn does it feel amazing. As the motorbike speeds up, the light rain hits my face harder. I open my arms wide like wings and I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic. I survived day 2, and the next day I had to catch a flight back to Vietnam with a new Visa. Success!

I was supposed to visit Thailand again in June, but yeah goddamn coronavirus hit so… that’s not gonna happen. Until next time Thailand!

[missweber]

@lardo-week

For Day 6 of Lardo Week - Friends and Lovers

(Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5)

(FYI, I’ll start posting these to AO3 tomorrow after I get the last chapter up tomorrow and give everything a good scrubbing for lurking typos and the like)

the practical thing to do

It wasn't that Lardo wasn't earning money. She had two decent part-time jobs and had even picked up a couple of freelance assignments. 

One of the freelance assignments (painting the risers of a staircase in an old house-turned-bookstore to resemble shelves of children's books) had been fun and had paid fairly well, but it hadn't led to any nibbles from potential patrons.

She had time, she reminded herself. There was nothing wrong with working part-time for a gallery and for a local youth hockey organization. There was nothing wrong with creating some stability for herself.

But something was wrong.

"Can I vent?" She had timed her question for when Ransom and Holster were home and Shitty was at an evening seminar. As for She-Who-Would-Not-Be-Named, Lardo didn't really give a shit if she was home or not.

"Lay it on us, so we may ease your troubled mind," Holster intoned, affecting an air of wisdom and concern. Ransom didn't say anything, but he closed his laptop and put it aside so he could pay full attention.

Wanting to vent didn't mean knowing what to say. Instead, she just plopped herself down on the couch right between them. There wasn't quite enough room, but they made it work.

"I feel like a fucking parasite," she said at last.

The chorus of no no no! and we're fine with how things are divvied up, honest! weren't as comforting as they were meant to be.

"I'm venting, okay? That means you gotta let me vent! Don't..." She took a deep breath. "Don't just tell me not to worry, okay?"

Part of her could hear Shitty explaining how being told not to worry was sometimes the same as 'go away and don't bother me with your pesky emotions,' and that, she found comforting.

"My bad," Holster said. 

Ransom pulled her into a side hug. "Sorry about that, Lards. Go ahead. Why are you comparing yourself to a tapeworm?"

"Gross, dude," she and Holster said in perfect unison, and that led to a giggle fit that totally killed the mood.

"Now I'm not feeling ranty. I'm just going to whine instead."

"Would you like some wine with that wine?" Holster asked in a horrible faux-British accent.

"Oh, hell yes!"

The occasion apparently called for a bottle of good wine that had been 'liberated' from Shitty's grandparents, and the novelty wine glasses. Lardo noted that her glass said 'Wine is cheaper than therapy' and tried not to read too much into it. After all, Ransom's said 'I just can't adult today' and Holster's glass proclaimed that he was 'Sotally Tober.'

"So anyway, I feel like a total mooch. I know you guys say it doesn't bother you that I'm paying a smaller share of rent than you are, but it still bugs me. I feel... I feel kept."

"Does it help if we tell you we don't think of it that way at all?" Ransom asked gently.

She shrugged. "In theory."

Shitty, Ransom, and Holster had each told her over and over and over they didn't mind paying bigger shares of the rent. They all either had or made enough money to cover it, and how the hell was Lardo supposed to do art on the side if she didn't have the time or energy to do art?

"We've got your back, bro," Holster said as if that explained everything.

She knew it should. She wished it did.

"Did anything in particular stir this up?" Ransom asked. His eyes narrowed. "Shitty's dad didn't say anything again, did he? Or Claire?"

Holster shushed him, and cast furtive looks at the hallway. "Don't say her name! She'll know we're talking about her!"

Ransom leaned in close and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I know I always said I was team attic, but if the person who's hiding in the attic is you-know-who? Then fuck it. I'm changing my answer."

"Dude," Holster said solemnly. "What if she's actually a thousand roaches in a trench coat?"

"Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense."

Watching their back and forth helped more than their concern. "No one said anything, guys." Well, George had said something in an email, but not in the way the guys meant it. "Just some job stuff came up today that... well, it stirred some shit up."

The point of having a job was to earn a living. Yes, you should do something you liked to do, but you needed to be practical about it. Lardo's parents had never been poor, but for as long as she could remember, they always had to be mindful. She had never gone hungry, but her mother and her bà ngoại had.

They had always encouraged and celebrated her artwork, but they had also been very clear that she was expected to get a real job.

There had also been sly hints about how finding a husband with a real job was a possible alternative, but she forced the thought from her mind because while a wine hangover was bad, a rage hangover was even worse.

The three of them killed off a bottle and a half of wine. It was weaksauce compared to their kegster days, but while Lardo had gone to several classes hungover and still in her pajamas, she didn't think that would fly at the Newbury Street gallery where she worked.

Where she worked for now, at least.

"I'm done guys," she said with a yawn that was only a little exaggerated. "Thanks for letting me dump on you. And don't say it's no problem or anything stupid like that."

She really hoped Shitty got home soon. Now that she had vented, she actually wanted to talk.

It was good to crawl into bed. It was only half-made, as usual, but Duckie and Mr. Steggy were in their proper places as they should be. She smiled, remembering how Shitty had literally squeed with delight when she first introduced him to her childhood plushie.

She hugged both stuffed animals to her and fell asleep.

She was woken up what felt like just a minute later when a naked Shitty tried to pry Mr. Steggy out of her grasp.

"You're hogging the cuddle-buddies," he whispered.

"You snooze, you lose."

"Excuse you, but I was not the one snoozing, Ms. Duan."

She laughed and let Shitty take the plush stegosaurus. He slid into bed and snuggled close. She leaned in and kissed him deep, curling one hand around the back of his head so she could play with his hair. God, she was so glad he was growing it out again.

He ran his fingers down the curve of her waist and up the rise of her hip, but it was an inquiry rather than a request. She kissed him again, then pulled back. "Just this," she said. "And can I talk to you about something?"

She felt him tense defensively but then relax. The first had been automatic, the second, deliberate. "Okay?"

"First of all, yes, there is some money shit tied up in all of this, so I need to know it's okay to talk about money. Otherwise, this is going to be frustrating as hell."

It said something that all he did was nod in agreement. They had figured out quickly that their difference in background made financial discussions a big-ass mine field. They'd had a rough start, but now they used safe words more when talking about money than they did when having sex. 

Lardo thought more couples should follow their example.

"I got a solid lead on a job today."

His face lit up. "What! That's–"

She covered his mouth with her hand. "Let me finish, okay? And if you lick my hand, I will pluck your mustache out hair by hair. Nod if you understand."

He nodded. She removed her hand.

"Here's the problem. If I take this job, I'll have to quit the gallery job and cut back my time with the Rockets. Maybe even quit."

"Okay," he said. She could tell he had a question, but was holding it. For now.

"Starting out, it would mean less money. Not a lot less, but..." But it had been enough to trigger a crisis that required copious amounts of wine to solve. "And the commute would suck."

"Okay." 

He wanted to say he would fix it, that he would make up the difference. She could see it. But he stayed quiet, and she loved him all the more for it.

"But that would only be at first. Part of what I'd be doing is training to take on someone else's job when he retires next year. And it would be decent money. I...”

She let go.

“I thought that wasn't important to me! I know I'm worth more than the money I make! I know my art is damned good art even if it takes me forever to get to where I can do it full time! So what's wrong with me that I'm ready to throw away an art gallery job—a fucking Newbury Street gallery job!—so I can make more money a whole year from now!"

Shitty actually raised his hand sheepishly, as if he was a student in her class. "Um, so what is this job, anyway?"

That was enough to get her to laugh, and laughing gave her an excuse to wipe away the tears that had started to well. "Details, details... Yeah. George Martin said she's got an opening for an assistant equipment manager-slash-logistics person."

"George Martin? As in Jack's George? Falcs George?" Shitty's eyes were wide. "Holy guacamole doesn't even begin to cover it. So, what are you thinking?"

"In a lot of ways, it makes sense to keep the gallery job. No, it's not my kind of art." Honestly, it was more the sort of thing she imagined hanging in Shitty's grandparent's house. "But it's good experience to see that side of things for when I start selling my own things. And then there's the networking. It would be the practical thing to–"

She stopped, listening to what she was about to say, and hearing the echo of her mother's voice.

"Lards?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you still have time to do your art? If you take this other job?"

She shrugged. "Yeah. I don't see why not."

Shitty reached out and took her hand. He rubbed his thumb up and down her wrist, stroking and soothing. "When you said you would have to quit your gallery job and maybe not work as much with the kiddos on the Rockets, I almost said something."

She nodded. She had caught that.

"What I almost said was that you sounded more upset about cutting back your work with the kids than you did about quitting the gallery completely."

"Holy shit," she whispered. It was as if someone had pulled aside the curtain hiding Oz the Great and Terrible. 

She didn't like the gallery. She liked the idea of the gallery. She liked that even after she had decided that the world wouldn't end if she didn't get a job in the arts right away, this opportunity dropped in her lap. She liked what she had been learning from her boss and the new appreciation she had for mid-century American art.

What she didn't like was dressing up like she worked in a law office. She didn't like the way some buyers treated paintings like investment properties. She didn't like being a salesperson/hostess.

And she really didn't like how many clients reminded her of Shitty's grandparents.

But she loved her hockey kids.

"You're right. But..."

"But?"

She gently plucked Mr. Steggy from Shitty's grasp and set him on the nightstand. Duckie followed a second later, and Lardo wriggled as close to Shitty as she could. "But you've given me a lot to think about." She tilted her head so she could kiss his chin. "G'night." 

There was no need to make a decision just then, even though she was pretty sure what it would be. There were just a few things she had to think through, first. 

She felt like something big had shifted, or was about to shift, and that the future was going to be something she had never imagined. But that was okay.

She had Shitty. And in a different way, she had Ransom and Holster, and Jack and Bitty. 

And, as Holster had said, they had her back.