#Screw Justin!!

[ms-cartoon]

So, I've been coming across a lot of clips of Wizards of Waverly Place on tik tok. I'm sure all the 2000s kids remember that show. Selena Gomez was the ish back then (and she still is). Usually, I would go back and re-watch some episodes just to get that good nostalgic feel. But I REFUSE to watch the later seasons! They just end up getting on my nerves! Plus, my moods are always ruined when Justin Russo shows his face.

Okay, it's mainly the fact that Alex is always getting blamed for almost every single conflict that occurs. I'm not gonna say it's never her fault, cuz she does have her moments, but sometimes when she uses magic, it's mostly with good intentions, just played out wrong. And she usually owns up to her mistakes and makes sure to fix the problem. But it's like, EVERYBODY is ALWAYS calling her out and most of the time, it's not even fully her fault! It gets worse to the point where her own freakin parents start to love her best friend more than their own daughter and they always compare her to Justin, saying that he's a much better kid and he would never cause trouble!! Do they not realize how bad they make her feel when they do that, and they are supposed to be the parents? They're supposed to be more mature and wise for their kids, but all they really do is pick favorites and compare one kid to the other. They rarely even stick up for her or praise her when she really deserved it.

The only traits Alex has that are bad about her are that she's selfish and mean. Like I said, she has her moments, but she has good intentions. She's the main one to fix any problems that occur to the Russos' and was the main one to save the world several times- WHERE'S HER THANK YOU?? She doesn't get one, just more trash talk and finger-pointing from Justin and her parents.

And y'all know Justin always gotta the first to rub it in her face and play the blame game.

Justin wasn't even that bad in the early seasons. I actually tolerated him a little bit (though he still annoyed me). But in the later seasons, he just becomes more selfish, vindictive, antagonistic, and just plain cruel. He didn't even wanna show his full support for his sister when she won wizard of the year. In fact, he was more jealous, berating and disrespecting Alex, complaining that he should've won. But like sir- you don't even deserve that title. Like wha- You put your own family in danger, TWICE!! Not once, but TWICE!! And who was the one to save even you from that danger? ALEX!!

  Justin had a crush on a dark angel. Loved her so much, he joined the side of the Angels of Darkness and let them take over. Not only did he put the world in danger, he also put his own family in danger! And all because he was such a simp for this one girl!! And guess who had to save his a**!

There was another situation the Russos' got involved in, and the show makes it seem like it was Alex's fault when Justin was the one that caused the problem. Like that time when Justin revealed to the FBI that wizards exist and that he, along with his family was one of the few. He got NO repercussions for it as far as I've heard. But when Alex is the one to confess to the media that they're wizards, and only to fix the situation that was happening, she is the one to get blamed when originally, Justin was the first to spill the tea.

I could name plenty of more reasons why Justin didn't deserve the wizard of the year award, but those are just my main ones.

I don't think he felt genuinely bad about the way he spoke about her at all. The only time he did feel bad is when it came time for his video about Alex to be shown to everyone during that ceremony. He probably didn't even wanna admit he was wrong for it. He is such a horrible brother!!! He really needed a good talking-to after all that. Theresa and Jerry, that's where you should've come in!

And then we have the finale where they're in the middle of the Wizard Competition. Harper and Zeke get themselves in danger and are captured by a griffin, and who was the main one that suggested they go and save them? Alex! She literally had to beg Justin to help save them, but Justin, being the selfish prick that he is was more concerned about staying in the competition and winning. It is beyond ridiculous that Alex had to beg Justin to save his best friend! Didn't even care that his best friend might die!! By the time they came back, their free time had run out and they got disqualified, losing their magic powers. Leave it to Justin to play the blame game and point fingers at Alex like he always does. He didn't even care that it was a matter of his friends' safety, he cared more about being a wizard and winning a stupid competition. And there was also a scene in that same episode while they were working, Alex was giving someone their order and Justin threw something at her, causing her to drop the order on the customer! Like dude- are you serious?? Are you that pressed???

  Theresa, Jerry... do you still think Justin is the better kid? Even after Alex risked her life/her happiness, putting her selfish wants aside to help and save others?

And then there's Max, bro!! For some reason, he starts to gang up on Alex too. Pointing fingers at her as well for doing the right thing. Omg, this girl just can't get enough. And usually, people felt more bad for Max as well, believing he doesn't get enough appreciation and recognition as a wizard in the family, but he really annoyed me in this episode!! He was mainly just following Justin, being horrible to Alex too. Even if he didn't get to keep his powers, I didn't feel bad for him one bit! It's not like he was gonna win the competition or keep his powers anyway and he probably knew that!!

What made me more pissed is that Theresa and Jerry didn't even stick up for Alex. They see that Justin and Max are ganging up on her, belittling her and just letting it happen. Then saying stuff like, "You guys seriously need to get it together and stop all this fighting!"

You guys??! Alex is the victim here! She did not deserve any of this disrespect! She was casually working and Justin threw something at her because of his resentment, y'know, like a mature adult. And Max came at her just because! Why aren't y'all criticizing Justin or Max for their behavior? They were the main ones acting up!

It doesn't even help that Alex had to be the one to apologize at the end of the episode....

Y'all, Alex was the only one to apologize!!

  "Guys, I'm sorry for getting you to help me save our friends from a bloodthirsty monster instead of staying and competing in the competition. Because having our magic and being a family wizard is much more important than Harper and Zeke's safety."

She didn't say those exact words, but she might as well have. I don’t understand how Alex could put up with all that disrespect. If I was her, I probably would’ve left the family and probably never come back. I might just make a fanfiction about that.

  I feel like I can point out plenty of reasons why the show just faltered a little to me, but Imma just leave it at that for now. All in all, Justin's a horrible brother and a horrible character. Max, I agree he deserves better too, but he mainly just got on my nerves that one episode. Teresa and Jerry are terriblev parents and didn't raise their kids right. Alex especially deserved better and Harper is the realist, point blank.

[rawkingbunny]

I want to be the first person to say this.

RICK'S NEW VOICE ACTOR IS FIRE.

I'M BACK IN THE FANDOM AGAIN BABY!

[gralunaisland]

Hi you mentied in one of your post about Juvia sacrifice herself for Cana , and you had problems with it ? I would love to hear more of your thoughts on the matter (also I agree with Juvia friendship with the girls , it’s a shame we never saw Lucy snap at Juvia . Since Juvia always calling her a love rival , bimbo or just being mean . She post to be close to Gajeel but I can’t remember any scenes with them just bonding without Gray being involved in any conversation.)

Why the Cana v. juvia scene does not prove that juvia is a good person

Ah yes, I'm so glad you asked! It seems like you refer to a point I made in my Veritable Essay post, which is crazy long, so kudos to you for reading through it! For those who don't know, it's an analytical post picking apart a Pro's argument that I found floating around online.

My main issue with that Battle of Fairy Tail scene is that everything juvia said there comes off as disingenuous when you take into account her behavior throughout the rest of the anime. Sure, her words sound great and all here, but she doesn't act on them later. I'll explain down below.

First of all, she literally told Cana that her motivation was to prove herself to the guild, so clearly she had other motives. her exact words were "I wanted to prove to the guild that there's no reason to doubt me." she wanted to show hey look at me guys, I love Fairy Tail! Even though I didn't care WHATSOEVER when it disbanded! Even though the ONLY reason I joined was because the hawt ice wizard is a member! Even though I have NEVER formally apologized to any of the people I hurt during the Phantom Lord arc! But look at me, I'm a good person, I promise! You don't need to kick me out of Gray's guild! In the end, looking good to her guildmates really only helps her quest in snagging Gray for herself, because, as they actually do in the anime, they support juvia and admonish Gray for not returning her manic affections, aiding in gaslighting him until he thinks he's an awful human being for having basic boundaries and rights to consent.

I am not so jaded to believe she was thinking all these things consciously.

But all that really becomes true when you consider how she doesn't have any loyalty to Fairy Tail, only Gray.

You see that when, again, juvia only decided to join Fairy Tail because that's where Gray was. You see that where juvia tries to literally kill fellow guild member Lucy by making her air bubble smaller, because she saw her as a love rival. You see that clearly in the Daphne arc, where she shows that she doesn't care one lick that Gray betrayed and hurt everyone. You see that in juvia frolicking off to follow Gray after Fairy Tail disbanded, happily living her "best life" leeching off of Gray and invading his space without his consent (and the manga shows that she stayed despite him not wanting her there because he said she barged in and refused to leave, which she found funny). You see that when juvia wishes something horrible would happen to one of the Team Fairy Tail members in the Grand Magic Games just so she could join the team to be with Gray. You see that when juvia doesn't care at all about trying hard in the GMG even though it's their chance to make up for all of the hardships FT had to go through thanks to all the most powerful members being gone at Tenrou for 7 whole years and of course ends up lusting after Gray the whole time and being an idiot and failing. You see that when juvia excessively harasses and bullies other (supposedly beloved by her) Fairy Tail members like Lucy and any living, breathing woman (and even a freaking Exceed, Frosch, not to mention a literal child, Wendy).

her inconsistencies go on and on. her exact words of "I love all of you. The Fairy Tail guild will always be my home" in that Battle of Fairy Tail scene are proven completely false because of all that I've mentioned.

So, my real problem isn't with the scene by itself. If juvia had said and done all of those things and then changed her nasty behavior towards Gray and towards all the women by leaving them the heck alone and actually being kind to them for once, then it would have been a huge milestone for her (currently nonexistent) character growth. However, as I showed here, that is not the case. In the end, her words and actions in the Cana v. juvia v. Freed scene ring hollow and empty because her later actions do not prove them to be true. In fact, they prove them to be false. That's even worse, because it just shows how juvia really basically lied to Cana in that scene.

Moving on, I'm glad you agree about how juvia should have no friends thanks to her behavior. I really wish we got to see Lucy tell juvia what's what, but Mashima would never have his characters truly berate juvia for any of the horrendous things she does to them. Plus, Lucy is just a good person who wants to believe in the best in everyone.

And such a good point! juvia is supposedly close friends with Gajeel, but they really never interacted after the Phantom Lord arc, and even then, they interacted severely minorly. juvia really doesn't make "friends" with anyone without Gray being involved somehow. (And before Pros mention Meldy/Meredy, she only became "special" to juvia because she "proved" to her that Gray "loved" her through her powers of linking people. So Gray was still included there.)

All in all, thank you for your ask and for your patience! I hope I explained things well enough!

[dozydawn]

Marika Humphreys and Justin Lanning 1993 Free Dance

“They’re going to use music from MGM musicals like Silk Stockings (1957) and Kiss Me Kate (1954). They’ve got a very smooth style.”

[nofatclips]

Lost Symbols by Swamp Witch chopped and screwed by DJ Purpberry from the album The Slithering Bog - Remixed by DJ PURPBERRY

[waugh-bao]

The Guitarist and His Companion in the Wild: A Keith and Charlie Documentary Narrated by Sir David Attenborough (Video Clip/Sound On)

[maraczeks]

the flatshare thread pt 1

[akq96618]

rewatched soul eater and i remember that i love justin law so much

[babeyun]

out of my head ✮ l.hs [m]

✮ synopsis: years after your friendship with heeseung has begun crumbling, you ask him to be part of one of the biggest days of your life - your wedding day.

✮ genre: estranged best friends to ??? ; semi-unrequited lovers au ; angst ; fluff

✮ pairing: singer!lee heeseung x financial advisor!fem!reader ; sim jaeyun x reader

✮ word count: 10.4k (yikes...)

✮ rating: nc-17.

✮ warning(s): ...kissing? lol? a lot of hurt with no comfort, semi-unrequited lovers, wedding superstitions, mentions of having kids.

✮ playlist: off my face - justin bieber ; are we still friends? - tyler, the creator ; your eyes only - enhypen ; this is why i need you - jesse ruben.

✮ a/n: i'm a yapper sorry, but happiest birthday to heeseung <3 that's my pookie! i love u.

four months ago.

"you're getting married?"

you and heeseung had been best friends for nearly twenty years. the two of you met at a park during a winter storm, both of you having begged your mothers for a chance to go see the snow. a coincidence really, the two of you having somehow lived the same experience (one that heeseung was convinced was fate, while you just boiled it down to two four-year-old kids giving into the natural urge to plunge their grubby little fingers into cold, unforgiving snow.)

however, in the last few years, you'd grown apart. 

you were freshly out of university, and heeseung had recently taken a job as a backup vocalist for one of the local entertainment companies. he'd been a singer his entire life, something you never allowed yourself to pick up because your mother had always taught you that safety nets were better. while heeseung openly explored his talents, eventually learning guitar and slowly, piano - you buried yourself in mathematical equations that made your brain hurt but forced yourself through it all because, after all, you needed a plan.

heeseung lived life on the edge. he didn't care if he had money, if he had belongings - life was more than that to him. he ventured out into the city with nothing but his headphones sometimes, not even so much as bothering to bring an umbrella if it looked like rain. "if i get soaked, i get soaked! life is more than staying inside with your head heavy from studying." he told you once, and you had just shaken your head.

"come on, y/n! don't you want to dance in the rain? don't you want to risk getting sick and having your mom make you that soup you really like? live a little, life is too short to waste away in our bedrooms." he tugged you out of your house that day, making you leave your phone behind as you trekked the entire city by foot, and once the rain did start falling, you were a mile from your house. "heeseung, i can't get sick! i have a presentation–"

"screw that presentation! live in the now!" he held you close as the rain pelted your backs, spinning you around as your laughter echoed in the neighborhood. "isn't this fun! aren't you enjoying this newfound freedom, no expectations? no logarithms, no polynomials!" he exclaimed, making you only laugh harder. "hee, i'm a finance major. that is fun for me!"

"and i'm a y/n major, i know you fucking hate math!" he giggled as he set you down, his fingers brushing your wet hair off your face. "i don't have things like you do, hee! i need a plan, i need something to fall back on. you work to make money to invest into yourself, you don't follow dreams!" you say as the two of you make the route back to your house, making him scoff.

"are you saying i'm wasting my time living the way i do?" he asked, a twang of hurt in his voice going unnoticed by you as you nodded. "i do. i think you are wasting your potential." your words pierced him, but he said nothing more as the two of you reached your mom's house. "see you later, hee."

"see you later."

that had happened three years ago. heeseung noticeably distanced himself after that day, limiting your hangouts to once a week instead of dropping by whenever he felt like it. soon, what were weekly hangouts became biweekly, before you were only meeting him for dinner on a random wednesday night in the middle of the month. you never asked so he never explained, and he simply assumed your silence on the subject meant that your puzzle of a life no longer had a need for a lee heeseung-shaped piece.

it pained him to think that you were outgrowing him.

heeseung was taking classes while working, having finally let your words get to him. you were right, in a way - he couldn't live his life on the edge forever, but the fact that you actually said that to him after constantly reassuring him that you believed in him was...unexpected, to say the least.

"she's just worried about you, hee." his older brother rattled, and heeseung shook his head. he had long told him about that day, and continued to try and decipher it for the years after. he didn’t really understand why it bothered him so much, but his only guess was the same — you had pretended to have an interest in his life, but yet, just like everyone else…

…you had no faith in him.

“yes, hee, i’m getting married! focus!” you tapped your pen on the notepad in front of you, the ice in your matcha long melted. heeseung was gripping his mug of hot chocolate for dear life, wondering where he missed the fact that you were even in a relationship to begin with. “i didn’t even know you had a boyfriend, forgive me for being curious.” he scoffs, making you roll your eyes.

“you would know if you answered any of my calls.” you say pointedly, making him groan. “okay, sorry i’ve been so absent from your life. what’s this guy’s name anyway?”

“sim jaeyun. you can call him jake.” you scribble something onto the notepad, before tearing it off and handing it to him. “this is his number, you’re going to have to talk to him at some point for what i’m about to ask you.”

your smile is mischievous, one that heeseung could never forget. it was engraved in his memory, it lit up his dreams and haunted his nightmares. the same smile he’s written endless lyrics about, the same smile he’s fallen in love with but refused to admit it.

“y/n, i haven’t seen you in six months. how can someone possibly gauge if a person is marriage material in such a short time?” he argues as he folds the scrap of yellow paper. you huff with a frustrated look on your face, “jaeyun and i have been seeing each other for a year! we made it official nine months ago, and we’ve been engaged for three months! i told you this already!”

“when the fuck did you even mention him!?” he groans, and you click your pen angrily.

"hee, if you hadn't been so focused on your own life, you'd be up to date with mine." grimacing, you reach into the knapsack you brought with you. pulling out a pink binder, you set it on the table, facing him. the paper sheet behind the vinyl reads the sims - may 2026. 

he snorts inwardly, before you open the binder. "i know we haven't been as close as we'd like the past few years." you start, clearing your throat as he glances at you. you pull apart the binder rings, pulling out a folder as you continue to speak. "but, i know that you're still doing the singing thing, and i wanted to offer you a gig."

sliding the folder across to him, he glances down at it. it's thick with pieces of printer paper, lyrics typed neatly in times new roman. he recognizes the first song as he slips it out of the folder, his eyes scanning the sheet over and over. 

"you want me to sing at your wedding?" he asks incredulously, and you take a sip of your watered down matcha. you press your lips together as you nod, staring at your fingers. "i showed jaeyun some clips of yours from a few of your other gigs, and he really liked it. this is our song, and we want you to sing it for our first dance." you tap the paper with your pen, and heeseung sighs.

"then why are we here alone? why isn't he here, showing face and asking me with you?" he accuses, and your frown is deep enough that he's sure you're about to throw your drink at him. "he's at work, if you must know. he's busy."

"and what does he work in that he can't come with his future wife to a measly two-hour lunch?" he taps his finger on the table, his eyes boring into yours, searching for any sign of the best friend he'd become estranged from. you weren't there.

"he's..." you bite your lip, staring at whatever was behind him in order not to meet his eyes. he looks at you pointedly, brows raised in expectation - a look he'd always hated from other people. you grimace before responding. "he's a singer, he's recording his album right now." heeseung blinks slowly, something you knew meant he was about to either get up and leave, or he was going to scold you once he processed the information. your best friend was nothing short of an open book, but as he looked down at the sheet in his hand and shook his head, you suddenly couldn't read him anymore.

"after all the shit you gave me." his tongue drips with poison before he shoves the sheet of paper back in the folder, tapping it with his hand before grimacing. "when is the wedding? do i have to be there for the whole thing?" his eyes are full of fire as he stares at you, and you can feel yourself shrink under his gaze. heeseung was rarely ever mad at you, even during these years of estrangement. you were never really on the receiving end of his anger, so you never handled it. "may second. you don't have to stay, if you don't want to. but i'd love for you to be there." your words are softer than you intended, and you can really feel the tug on the invisible string that ties the two of you together.

he nods, pressing his lips together as you watch his eyes brim with tears. "okay." he looks away as the first tear falls, wiping it away quickly before getting up. "just…send me the address when the time comes." he tucks the folder under his arm as he quickly walks away, trying not to let any more tears fall as he exits the cafe.

he can't help but hold everything in as he walks to his apartment, his mind spinning with potential thoughts. when did you get so far? how did he let you stray so deeply, and where did you even meet this guy? why didn't you tell him sooner? or did you, and he just blocked it out? he can't remember, no matter how hard he skims his memory. "fuck!" he screams as he slams his door shut, throwing the folder onto the table in the foyer. 

he slides down the door, a sinking feeling taking over his stomach as he hits the cold tile. he can't help but sob into his hands, his shoulders shaking violently as he does. you're getting married and he missed the entire thing, he's missed the past year of your life and has no remorse in doing so. he only feels sorry now, now that he's realized he's too late.

april 30.

heeseung was increasingly stressed.

you had told him over text (because he wouldn't answer your calls) that he had to take the week off so he could participate in bonding activities with your fiancé's groomsmen. he'd been reluctant, and said he'd get there the thursday before the wedding, nothing sooner – making you upset. he didn't care, he wouldn't lie to himself – he felt betrayed that you were getting married to someone else. it was childish of him and he knew it, but as he aimlessly wandered jeju island alone – it only sank deeper into his bones that he had truly fucked up.

he didn't bother to bond with any of your bridesmaids, either – despite their starry eyes and warm smiles, he could only see the dread in your eyes, the twitch in your lower lip as you greeted your guests with your fiancé. he kept his hand on your lower back at all times, and heeseung wonders if jake knows that he did that in the past. heeseung wonders if jake knows that he held your hand as you both skipped through the sand on family vacations with your families, heeseung wonders if jake knows that he shared a bed with you on nights where thunderstorms would scare you out of your sleep and heeseung would run the three blocks to your house to comfort you.

heeseung wonders if jake knows that he was your first kiss, in the back of heeseung's '96 civic when you were both juniors in high school. heeseung wonders if jake knows that he is in love with you, and that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stop.

not that jake knowing any of this would matter, because come saturday night, you'd be out of his grasp forever. he would never place his hand on the small of your back to ease your nerves, he would never hold your hand, he would never share a bed with you. he would never kiss you again, and he'd rather never see you again if it were up to him.

but it wasn't, was it? "heeseung! you made it!" 

heeseung turns to see park sunghoon walking towards him with his hand shielding his eyes from the sun. "oh shit, hey! i didn't think you and y/n kept in touch after high school, it's great to see you." heeseung greets him, and sunghoon snorts. 

"we didn't, actually. jaeyun and i go way back." sunghoon nods. sunghoon had been a friend of the two of you, but it was hard to keep in touch due to his prominent ice skating career. he was always busy, and it was easier to cut ropes than continuously make promises to see each other only to fall short.

"i'm sorry i didn't reach out more." heeseung starts, but sunghoon shakes his head. "don't even worry about it! my life was too crazy to keep tabs on everybody." sunghoon shakes his head, and heeseung tilts his head at him. "was?" sunghoon shifts in the sand, picking his cuticles as he sighs. "i had to quit, i got injured pretty badly during the finale of my last competition. i won, though, so at least i went out with a bang." he shrugs, and heeseung can see the disappointment in his eyes before offering a hug. "i'm sorry, hoon. that really fucking sucks."

sunghoon rejects the hug with a shake of his head. "it's fine, i'm doing other things now. i work as a backup vocalist for jake, me and jay. oh, jay's here, too! have you seen him?" sunghoon gestures to the air, and heeseung offers a small smile before shaking his head. "haven't seen him yet. to be honest, i don't want to be here." heeseung's confession, if surprising, doesn't seem to faze sunghoon. instead, the younger boy nods. "i figured you wouldn't. you're singing for them, right? i heard through the grapevine." sunghoon smirks, and heeseung rolls his eyes before lightly punching his arm. "stop lying, you brat. you read it on the wedding program."

sunghoon gives him a soft pat on the back, before leaning closer. "she wasn't going to wait forever, heeseung." with a curt nod, sunghoon continues down the beach towards the resort, leaving heeseung with wide eyes and a heavy heart. what did he mean by that?

🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊 – 🟊

the night was heavy as the last of your guests straggled in, and your feet were swelling in your shoes from standing for so long. jake had offered to take over as you went up to your room to change them, and you were internally thanking him as you hobbled to the elevator.

only for you to arrive and see your best friend waiting there calmly, headphones over his ears as he softly nods along to whatever is playing. he looks up when the elevator finally opens, completely oblivious to your lingering presence behind him. it's only when you get in after him, feeling the shift of the elevator's floor, that he looks at you.

his eyes are unreadable as he skims them over your face, a soft tilt to his head before he presses button six, hand hovering over the button as he waits for you to speak. you put up five fingers, and he presses it carefully as the doors close. it's silent, and for the first time ever since you were four years old, heeseung feels like a stranger. a polite stranger that presses the elevator button for you, that has come all the way from seoul on a ferry to sing at his estranged best friend's wedding.

except he's not a stranger, and you're the estranged best friend getting married this weekend. you're the estranged best friend who lied about your fiancé being excited for him to sing your first dance song, and you're the estranged best friend who wants it to hurt him. you want it to hurt, seeing you dance with your soon-to-be husband all night,  you want it to burn in his chest when the two of you kiss at the end of the aisle.

you want him to ache as badly as you did when he basically abandoned you for no good reason. you want him to stay up all night in tears like you did when he wouldn't answer your calls, you want him to rant passionately about you to whoever gets the privilege of being his girlfriend like you did to jake when the two of you first started dating, and you want him to ignore the questions of if you're in love with each other.

just like you did.

loving heeseung was a thing of the past. he was out of your heart and out of your head, for the most part. you only ever thought of him when you'd talk to jake about old high school stories, skipping over the parts where you and heeseung shared loving caresses that the two of you convinced yourselves were nothing more than platonic. it didn't matter now, though, because there was no piece shaped like you in heeseung's puzzling life anymore.

you love jake. he's your endgame, and you're glad to be marrying him.

"are you excited? big day soon." he says gently, and you can feel your stomach turn as he nudges you with his elbow. you nod, a small smile on your lips as you glance down at your engagement ring. jake had it custom made, a marquise diamond nestled onto a thick gold band. it was a little tight, but you promised yourself you'd get it resized after the wedding.

"very excited. are you nervous? about your performance, i mean?" you ask, genuine concern in your voice as he shakes his head. "just another gig, really. it's special to you, though, so i've been putting my all into the rehearsals." he itches his neck, a nervous tick you'd picked up on through the years. you nod, patting his shoulder gently. the conversation stops as the elevator does, the number five on the elevator's neon sign. 

"my stop. i'll see you at the rehearsal dinner tomorrow, right? you need to be there." your eyes are pleading, and heeseung can't help but sigh. "i'll try." 

the answer doesn't seem to satisfy you, but you nod anyway, turning on your heels to go to your room. the doors close, and he lets out a shaky breath. you're very excited to marry sim jaeyun in less than thirty-six hours. you're very excited to be mrs. sim, you're very excited to have your first dance with your husband to the sound of your best friend's voice singing the song that reminds you and jake of your relationship. 

a song that insinuates the two of you are unbelievably high off each other in every which way, and how ruined one of you has made the other for anybody else. but this song doesn't take into consideration how he is ruined for anyone else, how he is in pieces at the mere thought of you wearing white while meeting someone else down the aisle.

he doesn't want to feel like that anymore.

may 01.

"hey! you must be heeseung, i've been waiting forever to meet you!" 

heeseung doesn't recognize the voice as he turns, eyes swollen with sleep when he looks to see you, and who he presumes to be sim jaeyun. he nods absently, before glancing at his cup of hot water. he'd stumbled down to the hotel's complimentary lounge, a packet of fennel mint tea in his hand.

"give me a moment, i'm sorry. i'm barely here." he apologizes sheepishly, tearing the bag open and dipping the bag into the cup. he wipes at his eyes once more, before turning to face a smiling jake. "you're jaeyun, right? nice to finally meet you man, y/n has said some awesome things about you."

lies. heeseung doesn't remember a single thing you have ever said about jake, just that he's a singer. but out of courtesy, and jake's business-like grip on his hand, he smiles through it anyway. "i heard that you asked for me specifically. your wedding song is beautiful." heeseung sees you wince out of the corner of his eye as jake looks a bit taken aback. he tilts his head slightly, but goes along with what heeseung now knows is a lie. "i'm glad you could make it. y/n talks a lot about your singing skills, are you working on any projects right now?" your face is pained as heeseung looks you dead in the eyes, "no, i'm just a backup vocalist. i gave up on that dream a while ago." he looks back at jake, who has a sad smile on his face. "the fame, the money…i was never suited for that life, anyway." "i'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you." jake sounds genuine, a flash of sadness in his eyes as he shakes heeseung's hand again. "i hope to see you at the rehearsal tonight. have you got a girlfriend? there'll be quite a few people at our singles' table." jake wiggles his brows and heeseung wonders when you're going to speak.

"actually, heeseung won't be able to stay. he's got another gig on sunday." you lie, and jake's eyes widen. "oh, you'll be missing our reception?" "i'll be leaving right after your dance, i do sincerely apologize." heeseung gives jake a sheepish grin, to which jake nods slowly. "that's unfortunate, there's a lot of people you could network with here! take advantage of it, dreams are meant to become reality." jake finalizes, before giving heeseung another warm smile.

"i will do my best! thank you for having me." heeseung says, and you can feel the fake tone of happiness in his voice seep into your bones. you'd been the only person to ever recognize it, and heeseung knows you're aware he used it as he takes the tea bag out of his mug. "i will see you both tonight." 

he spins on his heel as he hears jake whisper to you.

"you asked him to sing our song? when? why didn't you tell me?" "we can talk about this later, okay? he's really good, i promise."

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your mother had been staring at heeseung for the last fifteen minutes, and heeseung was almost sure she was trying to figure out if he was who she thought he was. he gave her a small smile and waved, and the moment her eyes lit up, the person in front of her turned.

jake. he frowns as she walks away from him mid-conversation, stumbling over only moments before the rehearsal dinner is set to start.

"sorry, sweetie. i didn't know you and my y/n finally made up! it's so good to see you!" her embrace is crushing, and heeseung doesn't have the heart to tell your mother that you're a horrible liar. you hadn't 'made up' – he was simply doing you a favor, something else you'd lied about. he just smiles as she pulls back, ruffling his hair gently. "love the red, it really suits you." "thank you, auntie. it's nice to see you again." he remains relaxed as he sees her eyes soften. "what's wrong? not ready to see your little girl walk down the aisle?" he teases, and the older woman sighs inwardly. she turns, her shoulder brushing his as they stare into the room full of tipsy bridesmaids and boisterous groomsmen. "if i admit something to you, you'll keep it quiet, right?" she murmurs, and heeseung suddenly feels like this conversation isn't going to be one that favors his unruly feelings for you. "of course, auntie. who am i to tell?" "i always thought you'd be the one to marry my y/n." she sighs, clasping her hands in front of her as her eyes watch jake speaking to you gently as he hands you a glass of wine. heeseung's eyes follow hers and the two of them can see as your face falls and jake quickly moves to hide you from any lingering gazes. "i should go see what's wrong. it's nice to see you, heeseung. please enjoy the wedding!" he nods as your mother quickly crosses the room, her arm around you as jake gets pushed to entertain the guests while you get taken care of. jake looks nervous, and heeseung can't seem to stop his body as he also crosses the room, a small smile on his face. "good evening, jake." "oh, hey! how are you liking the venue so far?" a small flash of relief passes onto his face, and heeseung feels guilty as he shrugs. "it's what i expected for someone like y/n. so floral, so bright. are you sure you had any part in this?" he snickers, and jake laughs genuinely.

"she wouldn't let me even look at the flowers with her. babe, you're going to pick the wrong ones!" he imitates you, and heeseung shakes his head in amusement. you'd always been a bit of a control freak when it came to your visions, and now that your life revolved around financial decisions, you were wound up extra tight. "yeah, she's always been like that." he sighs, and jake doesn't miss the slight tone of sadness.

"listen, i don't know you very well," jake starts, reaching for a bottle of cabernet across the table. he grabs two glasses, uncorking the wine as he leans to pour. "but i want to say thank you." he holds the wine out to heeseung, and he tries not to look curious as he takes it.

"thank you for what?" heeseung asks, and jake gives him a pointed look as he blindly pours his own glass. 

"for taking care of y/n all these years. i know you and i probably won't be the best of friends, i'm the first to admit that i'm not very good at sharing her attention." jake grimaces to himself as he replaces the cork into the bottle. "but i'm glad that she has someone as reliable as you, that can just… be there for her. it's a beautiful thing, your friendship."

heeseung almost feels nauseous as jake continues talking about how sweet your lifelong friendship with him seems. it just confirms that you told jake everything and anything you could about it, and based on his mention of jealousy, that includes the first kiss you shared. he can barely hear jake over the sound of his heart beating in his ears, but understands enough when jake pats his shoulder.

"...and i figured i'd be honest. y/n didn't say anything about you singing our song, we had originally planned for sunghoon to sing it with the band we hired. i guess she thought you'd be better for it, and i trust her judgment." jake says, pulling heeseung back in. "oh, i'm sorry." "don't even worry about it, man. hey, why don't you just relax, enjoy the dinner tonight. tomorrow is going to hit us like a fucking train, we should be well rested today." jake nods, and heeseung reciprocates with a gentle smile as someone else calls for jake's attention. "remember, just chill! network!" jake gestures to the room as he walks backwards towards the people looking for him.

heeseung can't shake the nausea from his throat, setting down the glass of wine to wander to the bathroom. but, the hall seems to get longer and longer, the temperature changing from the cold air conditioning to the humid spring air. he can feel a breeze in his hair, and then he realizes he's on the beach. his feet are buried in the warm sand, shoes in his hand.

sighing, he reminds himself he can't zone out like that all the time. it's not healthy, you had told him once. what if you end up in the middle of nowhere?

he reaches into his pocket, pulled out his spare headphones. he was supposed to bond with everyone at your stupid rehearsal dinner, but he didn't care to do so as he stared at the crashing waves. plugging the headphones into his phone, he gently speaks to siri as he lays on his back, looking up at the cloudless sky.

"hey, siri. play are we still friends? by tyler, the creator."

he stares into the water as the song pours into his ears. he doesn't know where things went to shit, but he knows it's his fault. he should've told you that what you said hurt his feelings. he should have communicated, then maybe it'd be him sitting next you in the private jet your mother rented solely for your honeymoon escape after the reception.

maybe it'd be him spinning you around in your beautiful wedding dress, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear as you dance the night away. maybe it would be him, like your mom had hoped. maybe it would be him, like he had hoped, too.

his fingers dig into the sand as he swallows the lump in his throat. there is nothing in hell, heaven or earth that would stop you from trekking the aisle tomorrow afternoon. nothing would stop jake from kissing you tenderly right in front of him, and doing it for the rest of your lives. it would taunt him, it would haunt him like the ghost of your friendship. you weren't friends anymore, the two of you knew it. things would never be the same between you, and yet, neither of you was brave enough to ask the question.

why?

"heeseung! are you out here?!" he can hear sunghoon's voice over the fourth replay of the song, lowering the volume as he tilts his head to find him. "over here, what's up?" "what's up? they're waiting for you, man!" sunghoon is standing in the doorway of the resort, the soft breeze blowing his hair back as a bridesmaid also peers over his shoulder. heeseung sighs as he stands, wiping his pants of sand and shoving his phone into his pocket. he walks quickly, humming quietly to himself to semi-prepare his voice for the perfect delivery of the song you wanted him to sing.

everyone is chatting quietly around the tables as heeseung steps inside, running his fingers through his hair as he walks forward. your mother catches his eye, a concerned look on her face, but he can't hold eye contact. he faces the floor as he reaches the small stage the venue has set up for the band, jay perched on a stool holding a guitar.

"hey, hee. you ready?" he asks as he tucks in his in-ear monitor, and heeseung shrugs as he takes his place behind the microphone. only then does he notice that the chatter he heard was just two bridesmaids, kim sunoo, riki nishimura and yang jungwon – all friends of yours and jake's that he hadn't bothered to meet further than reading their names in the program. 

he watches silently as you and jake take the center of the dance floor, your eyes slightly reddened as you gingerly drape your arms over your fiancé. your smile doesn't fill your cheeks as jay begins playing softly.

heeseung takes a deep breath, and your eyes catch him as he begins to sing.

one touch, and you've got me stoned. higher than i've ever known…

you were both thirteen.

he remembers the way you held onto him the night that you lost your first mathletes competition. you cried so hard that you'd almost thrown up, and heeseung could only soothe you by dragging you to the nearest convenience store and shoving a melona popsicle in your hand. you went silent after that, gripping his hand tightly as he walked you home. you'd squeezed his hand three times that night, something he'd always done but you'd roll your eyes at.

"why would i squeeze your hand when i can just tell you, hee?"

you call the shots and i'll follow. sunrise, but the night's still young…

you were both seventeen. 

he remembers when you called him to come over while it was storming, because your mother was out of town. your house was a little over a mile away and normally, he didn't mind the walk. it was almost three in the morning, and he'd been sleeping when your ringtone went off for the third time. "hello?" "hee, please come over. it's storming so bad, i'm so–"

he hadn't even let you finish before ripping his bedsheets off his body and sprinting for the door. his clothes, his shoes, everything was soaking wet by the time he got to your house. you'd embraced him anyway, your own clothes soaking through as he trudged into your home – only for the storm to stop a few moments after his arrival.

no words, but we're speaking tongues. if you let me, i might say too much…

you were both twenty.

he remembers when you asked him, in the middle of your kitchen during your graduation party, if he could kiss you. the house was empty except for the two of you – his parents and your mom had decided to throw a joint party, using the excuse that two best friends should always stick together. your mom had sent you inside for more hor d'oeuvres, and you'd dragged him inside with the excuse that you couldn't carry them all yourself.

"you don't have to, hee. i'm sorry." your eyes were full of embarrassment as heeseung stared at you, a bit in shock at your question. only as you begin to move further into the kitchen does he register what you've said, and grabs your arm, pulling you toward him. "ask me again, i'm sorry. i zoned out, i thought you asked me to kiss you."

"i did." you repeated quietly, and heeseung blinked twice before nodding. "o-okay. yeah, i can do that." he cleared his throat, looking over your shoulder into the foyer to ensure no one was opening the door. 

"are you sure? i mean, it's your first kiss, wouldn't you want to have it with someone special?" he's rambling, and your gentle laugh pulls him right back.

"you are special, hee." 

without another word, he backed you up against your kitchen counter, his hands on your hips as he softly kissed you. your hands were on his biceps, and he could feel your nervousness seep through your locked lips. he carefully circles your thighs to lift you onto the counter, your arms instinctively wrapping around his neck before he breaks the kiss.

"how was that? okay?" his eyes searched yours, a shy smile playing on his swollen lips as you blinked. "uh, i'm not sure. i think–" "you want to try again?" his head tilted to the side, a habit you loved and eventually also caught. you nodded silently. his smile was wide as he closed the gap between the two of you, the hands on your thighs squeezing softly. once, twice, three times.

i love you.

your touch blurred my vision. it's your world, and i'm just in it…

you're both twenty one.

he remembers how he stared at his bedroom ceiling, clothes soaked in rain from prancing around the city with you. how piercing your words were, how he thought for so long that you believed in him. how all of these events he can't stop thinking about, are about you. how proud he was of you, how lucky he was to have you, how insane it was that you wanted him. you wanted him at one point.

how he didn't care that he got sick, but certainly didn't understand why your sore throat and stuffy nose didn't make him feel a pang of distress. how he didn't care that no one else was refuting his talent, because they weren't you. he didn't care about anyone else in this world, but you.

even sober, i'm not thinking straight…

you're both twenty two.

he remembers his birthday going abhorrently wrong. you weren't there, per usual – you were too wrapped up with school to give heeseung a second thought. he'd long realized that he didn't want to lose you, but it seemed that you no longer cared to keep the friendship alive. he still has the messages he sent you, and is still amazed at the lack of typos despite being absolutely shitfaced.

message to: my y/n <3 [2022.10.15 | 11:23pm] it's my birthday, baby. [2022.10.15 | 11:24pm] you can't be here for me today? [2022.10.15 | 11:24pm] i miss you. i miss our friendship. [2022.10.15 | 11:26pm] i can't believe you're missing my birthday. i never miss your birthdays. [2022.10.15 | 11:30pm] is this it? are we done?  [2022.10.15 | 11:34pm] when will you come back to me? when, how much longer? [2022.10.15 | 11:35pm] when you graduate? i can wait. (not delivered!) [2022.10.15 | 11:47pm] just tell me how long. i'll wait. (not delivered!)[2022.10.16 | 12:02am] i'd wait forever for you (not delivered!)

he changed his number after that. he still doesn't know how you got his new one. he doesn't care to ask, either.

cause i'm off my face, in love with you…

you're both twenty five.

he's watching you slow dance with your fiancé, fingers interlaced behind his neck as jake's hands rest on your hips. he hates the jealousy that boils in his stomach, but doesn't bother to break eye contact with the tile on the ceiling with water damage.

i'm out my head, so into you…

he can feel his fingers tightening around the microphone stand, but can't seem to stop his eyes from averting as jake spins you gently, before your soft giggle hits his ears. you look up at jake with what he can only assume is adoration, before resting your cheek on his shoulder. you're looking right at heeseung, mouthing along to the song.

and i don't know how you do it…

you're fixing your posture instead, still staring at heeseung as jake takes your hand in his, kissing your knuckles. you instinctively smile at the feeling, and heeseung's eyes zero in on your fingers as you squeeze jake's hand.

once, twice, three times. i love you.

but i'm forever ruined by you, ooh, ooh, ooh.

"i love you." your eyes haven't left heeseung as you whisper the words, and you can see the way his eyes fill with fire as he looks away. you get a twisted feeling of satisfaction in your gut, before finally averting your eyes back to your fiancé. jake is smiling softly at you, and you quickly close the gap between you as heeseung continues to sing. your lips press against jake's smoothly, before he swiftly moves away. "i can't wait to marry you tomorrow." he whispers.

"me, too."

liar.

may 02.

the wedding is in twenty minutes.

your pantyhose has ripped, you tripped going up the stairs. you're not even wearing your dress yet. there are storm clouds gathering, and you can’t help but feel like everything in the universe is working against you. the only thing holding you together is your mother, her arms are wrapped tightly around you.

“are you sure we can’t just run away and elope?” you mumble into her shoulder, and your mother laughs. “not anymore. but,” she pulls away from you, cradling your face in her hands gently. “i love you, honey. everything will be okay.”

you hate the churn in your stomach at the word everything. because if everything were okay, it'd be sunny. if everything were okay, you'd be staring down an aisle full of people and only see heeseung at the end of it. if everything were okay, you would've never said yes to that first date.

“i love you.” you repeat, your hand resting on her wrists as you nod robotically. “i’ll see you out there, okay?”

“okay.” you breathe out shakily as she presses her lips to your hairline, lingering slightly before pulling away and leaving your room. you were alone now, and you glanced out the window at all the guests gathering on the beach. everyone is dressed so brightly, bunches of pinks and lilacs scattered across the sand. jake is waiting patiently at the end of the aisle, the forest green of his suit making his skin glow slightly brighter. how he does it, you don't know.

and then you see heeseung.

he’s dressed in black, despite the theme of the wedding being floral and natural. you grimace, forcing yourself to look away before spotting your dress hanging on the back of the door. you'd have to shimmy into it on your own, having sent everyone out in a fit of anxiety.

sighing, you unhook the heavy dress from the door, carefully letting the skirt pool on the floor as you step into it. it slides on perfectly, and you can't help but lose your breath at the sudden weight of the world on your chest. you're getting married, and you love jake.

but he'll never, ever be heeseung.

"tighten up, y/n. you've got this." you shake your head, reaching back and forcing the zipper up as high as you could. you had a hook-and-eye closure at the top, something you'd simply have to forego if you wanted to make it downstairs on time. groaning to yourself, you attempt to pull up the zipper just a bit more, before giving up and covering it with your veil. grabbing your bouquet, you give yourself a final glance in the mirror.

"you've got this. everything will be okay." 

your voice is shaky, but you swing your room door open anyway – only to be met with heeseung on the other side. his eyes widen, mouth slightly agape as you come into his view. "wow, you look…" "what are you doing here? you're supposed to be downstairs." you scold, shoving your keycard into the pocket of your dress. oh yeah, you've got it like that. "your mom asked me to come see what was taking so long. i told her you'd be down soon, but she insisted." he shrugs, so nonchalantly.

like none of this is eating away at him.

"ugh, whatever. come on." your tone is angry, but your face shows nothing but fear. his eyes follow as you storm towards the elevator, seeing the zipper of your dress slowly sliding down as you reach the doors. "here, hold on."

his fingers move your veil carefully as you step into the elevator, before pulling the fabric tighter together and pulling the zipper to the top. he carefully clasps the closure, and you swear you feel every hair on your body sticking up when his fingertips gently graze your back. "don't touch me, heeseung."

"i'm trying to help you. otherwise, you'd flash that entire crowd." he scoffs, pressing the floor button. you sigh, wrapping your arms around yourself as the elevator becomes silent. the tension is thick between you, you know it. your eyes never leave the neon sign, watching the floor numbers go by before heeseung reaches over and pulls the emergency lever.

"what the fuck are you doing?! i'm already late!" you gasp, hitting his arm with your bouquet when he stands in front of the lever. "i can't let you do this unless you hear what i have to say."

"heeseung, i'm getting married. this is the biggest day of my life–" your whining is cut short by his hand on your mouth, and only then do you see the unshed tears in his eyes. "the biggest day of my life was when i met you on that stupid playground. i never, ever in my life thought our friendship would end this way, and you know what, it makes me kind of sick."

he breathes deeply, removing his hand from your face as he sees the shock in your eyes. "you're saying you're already late to your big day, well i just want to say i beat you in that department. i've never had a problem with punctuality, but i really missed the mark on this one." his chuckle is dry, humorless as he looks at the bouquet in your hand. "i don't think i'll get over this, ever. i'll never get the chance to be in his place. but," he steps back, fingers gripping the emergency lever in his hand.

"i want you to know that it should be me. i should be the one waiting for you at the end of the aisle. i should be the one who gets to love you until the end of my days, and even then, you'd never die. you'd be loved by me forever, the evidence strewn all over the world in compositions and lyrics. i would never let you die."

he pushes the lever back, before moving back to his original spot next to you. the elevator doors open, revealing an empty lobby. the storm clouds are no longer that far away, and you can feel the humidity through the open plan of the resort.

"i am foolishly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you. and i hope you realize this is the biggest mistake of your life." his voice is soft, as is his smile when he offers his hand. "here's to your forever, my love."

you say nothing.

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if heeseung was anything, it was a sick bastard. a sick, rat bastard who had no shame. your mother took you from his arm at the end of the aisle, and you didn't even realize you'd allowed him to lead you there. jake's eyes shone with what could only be identified as jealousy.

he smiled the entire ceremony, clapping and whistling alongside your other guests through the vows. the sappy vows jake had penned were poetic compared to yours, but he knew what you meant anyway. you felt several fat raindrops plop onto your head and shoulders, while heeseung had come prepared and shared his umbrella with your mother.

he even helped her inside once the rain really started pouring, just after your first kiss as a married couple. your stomach was boiling over in fury as you watched him laugh with her, his eyes only meeting yours once with a soft smile. 

you and jake slipped away to change into your reception clothing, his suit jacket abandoned and sleeves rolled up, showing off the watch you got him for his birthday. your ballroom white dress, now stained with sand, was traded in for an a-line style. jake met you in front of the resort, his fingers curled in yours when he finally spoke.

"we really did it, huh." he says quietly, his eyes scanning the shut doors of the reception venue. you nod, your breath caught in your throat when he takes a step back, his hand squeezing yours. "two years." your ears twitch at this. "what?" "all i ask for is two years. we can have a kid. we'll have an heir to our wills. we can get divorced after two years, and you can be with him." he breathes, eyes following the pattern on the heavy wooden door. you choke out a scoff of disbelief, your throat burning. "what the fuck are you talking about, jaeyun?" he winces at the use of his name, so used to gentle baby and sweetened honey. a sigh escapes his lips as he turns to face you. "i know you love him, y/n. you don't have to hide it from me. you wouldn't have brought him all the way out here, you wouldn't have gone behind my back and changed the plans for the band. your mom loves him, for crying out loud. i never stood a chance." he chuckles sadly, and your tears are hot as they flow down your face.

"how can you say that, jaeyun? i'm married to you, i've chosen you, over anything and anyone in this world! how can you say such things?!" your hurt is evident, but he can't figure out if it's because of the little blame game or if it's because you truly, deeply love him. he doesn't know what to say, but reaches to wipe your tears. you jerk away, a frown etched on your glossed lips as you wipe them yourself. you take a deep breath, grabbing the door knob.

"fix your face." you mutter, a tone jake had never received from you as he sighed, painting a smile of everything's okay on his face as the two of you threw the doors open in unison. your crowd of guests cheered loudly, rice flying everywhere as they welcomed you in. the band was loudly playing got to be real by cheryl lynn, and you almost forget jake's painful words behind the door. you almost forget that heeseung will be queueing up to sing for you and your husband, for free, on the very stage you're now standing in front of. 

jungwon hands you a microphone and two champagne flutes, before slinking away to his seat. you hand one to jake, who swirls it nervously.

"wow, it's such an honor to have all of our loved ones here today." your voice is shaky as you take them all in, dozens of eyes staring you down. "i mean, i've waited for this day since i was a little girl. it's a blessing to finally see it in color, in person. thank you." jake breathes in deeply, before looking away to blink back tears. "i'm not crying, my eyes are just sweating." he speaks into the microphone, earning an empathetic laugh from the guests, your hand ghosts over his back, and he stiffens at it. "i'm so…so terribly in love with y/n. i can't believe this day is real." a soft aww echoes in the room, your chest tightening as you see heeseung sitting next to your mother. he's cooing with everyone else. "and i can't wait to be a man that is continuously worthy of her love. to y/n." 

you almost burst into tears as everyone raises their drinks to you, the clink of glasses adding to the emotion as you and jake find your seats at the end of the hall. you sit gingerly, holding jake's hand under the table tightly. "i love you, jake." "i love you, y/n."

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the speeches were a mess. jay was a mess of tears, and minjeong spewed bullshit about the two of you being like sisters. heeseung hadn't met her until five minutes after the ceremony, and if you had been close to anyone enough to consider them a sibling, he'd know them. no one knew you like he did.

"and now, for the newlyweds' first dance! we have a very special guest singing for us today, please give a warm welcome and round of applause to y/n's longest friend, lee heeseung!" 

he smiled nervously as he took the stage, a puffy-eyed jay sitting behind him as he tested the microphone. "thank you for having me, and congratulations to the newlyweds. y/n, i'm eternally proud of you and so grateful to be here on your special day. i love you." none of the guests know it means something more to him, to you, as they let out an aww. how heartwarming, that your lifelong best friend was here for you. how lovely, that he was supporting you every step of the way.

he sang carefully, watching as you and jake held each other tightly, swaying to the song. he can hear your sniffle, a soft sob into jake's shoulder as he lovingly strokes your back. he looks away.

it should be him.

it should be heeseung, that gets to see you wear white. it should be heeseung, that gets to plan a tedious wedding at your instruction. it should be heeseung that gets to take you on a romantic honeymoon and spend all day in the sun and all night glued to your bed. it should be heeseung that gets to shampoo your hair for you when you're feeling too tired, it should be heeseung that gets to watch you put lipstick on in the morning just to ruin it before you're out the door. 

it should be him. and everyone knows it, no matter if they know your history or not.

"thank you, everyone. let's hear it for the newlyweds!"

october 15.

"hey."

it's been over a year since your wedding. you and jake had happily posted tons of wedding photos, piled over with honeymoon flicks. you and heeseung hadn't spoken since the wedding. he left right after the first dance, catching the first ferry back to seoul. he didn't bother contacting you to see if you'd made it back safely, he didn't bother to message you a happy birthday when it came around. he just didn't care.

he dropped out of college for the second time, and spent the summer going around seoul auditioning for companies. decelis entertainment finally gave him a break, and only after he got his contract did he find out that jake and all of his friends were also at this company.

he was polite in the hallways. he smiled, he waved, he engaged in small talk and perused the past. he didn't ask questions, he didn't initiate. he spent his time holed away in the studio with a producer named yeonjun, recording for hours on end without a break. he was set to debut in two weeks, having dropped his first teaser just two days prior.

all without you to cheer him on.

"what are you doing here?" his voice was cold, nothing you weren't used to at this point. his hair wasn't red anymore, now a natural chocolate brown. it suited him. "came to visit, heard from jake that you've been training for a year." "what's it to you?"

he's being harsh, he knows he's being harsh.

"hey, y/n. nice to see you." jake calls from across the hall, exiting his studio with jay and sunghoon in tow. the two of them seem to say nothing at the sudden casualties between you and jake, or the insinuation that he hadn't seen you in a while. heeseung gives you a glance, your hands holding a gift and a grocery bag. "may i come in?" "i'm busy, at the moment." he coughs, ignoring the way your eyes roll. "too busy for a slice of cake?" you hold up a bag in your fingers, and his eyes narrow. he leans back into the studio, his eyes scanning the calendar for any potential special dates. he's not even flipped to the right month, the calendar reading july.

"shit, did i miss something?" he whips out his phone, which you simply cover with your hand. a soft laugh escapes your lips as you lift your other hand, the gift bag screaming happy birthday in gold glitter flashing at him. "oh, man." he moves away from the door, allowing you to walk in. you look around, and although the studio doesn't belong to him, it sure smells like him. it looks like him, it's covered in him, it feels like home.

"happy birthday, hee." you say gently, setting the gift down on the couch and slowly sitting down to unwrap his cake. "i know it's not much, but i'm barely here." you chuckle, tapping your temple as he takes a seat in his desk chair. he's wary, you can tell.

"something on your mind?" "why are you here? i debut in two weeks, i don't need any bullshit." he rubs his temples, and you only frown. "you know, once upon a time, you would've been happy to have me here." your tone is pointed, and heeseung sighs. "fine, fine. i'm sorry."

"i'm the one who should be sorry." you murmur, and heeseung says nothing. he knows you're right. 

you're both quiet, before heeseung notices the candle next to the cake. he rolls the chair over, his fingers carefully centering the candle. "have you got a light?" 

you shake your head no, a sheepish look in your eyes. "i'm sorry. we can pretend, if that's okay?" he hates the way his lips twitch into a smile at your wide eyes. "yeah, we can pretend." 

you sing for him softly, your cheek squished into your hand as you lean on the armrest. he closes his eyes, making a wish and blowing the makeshift flame out. "what'd you wish for?" you yawn, and he shakes his head.

"won't come true if i tell you." shrugging, he rolls back over to his desk, leaving the cake on the table. you just make a noise of agreement, before a sigh slips past you. "i heard your teaser, you know." he doesn't care to react, only giving you a short sound. "mhm?" "is it about me?" you ask, and he straightens in his chair before spinning around to face you. "all my songs are about you. every single one of them." he gestures to a tattered journal on the soundboard. it's covered in stickers, and…a taped photo of you and him as toddlers. "oh."

"i mean what i say, y/n." he rolls his eyes, before spinning back around. "if it were me, i'd never let you die."

but it is you, you think. it's always been you.

"why did jake say it was nice to see you?" he asks, too cowardly to look you in the eyes. he hears your sigh, before hearing you shift around on the couch. he spins around again, only to see you have removed your shoes and tucked your legs beneath you. his eyes scan you, before looking at your fingers. your ring is gone, replaced by a chunky painite stone in silver. your eyes are gently burning into him, and he shivers in the warmth. "well…why?" "before the reception, he told me he knew." you shrug, "he knew how you felt about me, and how i allegedly felt about you. he brought up my mother, and how he felt like he'd never stood a chance." 

"but he did. you married him, after all." heeseung rolls his eyes as you shrug, blinking slowly as you speak again. "we gave it a good shot. maybe i should've listened to all those superstitions, they're not such bullshit. the tripping, the rain, god, the way my ring was too tight." you scoff sadly, before glancing back up at him.

he seems to understand. if he doesn't, he doesn't say anything. sighing, you reach over to rustle the gift bag with your fingers. "you've got to open this, you know." 

"y/n, i can't do this." he breathes out, eyes screwed shut. "i can't sit here with you and pretend like we're all good, like you're not married to the same guy i share a company with. we stopped being friends a long time ago, what are you trying to do here?" "i'm not trying to do anything but reconnect. i fully accepted the fact that whether or not you're with me, you're still someone i love. i spent years trying to figure out why you drifted away from me, and then jake and i sat down at our dinner table a few weeks ago after meeting with the lawyer and he asked me about our friendship. so i told him everything, from the very beginning."

heeseung can't breathe as you get up, walking towards him and slowly sinking into a squat. your hands are on his knees, giving a gentle squeeze before you speak.

"i'm sorry i made it seem like i had no faith in you. i said horrible things to you, even if they seemed right to me, and i'm so sorry that it took someone else to tell me that i'd treated you so badly that day." 

his eyes are brimming with tears, but he looks away from you. he can't cry, not now, not in front of you. 

"you've always been like that, though." he murmurs, picking at his cuticles when you carefully take his hands in yours. he suppresses a sob as the warmth of you envelopes his fingers, "i was projecting. i thought that everyone had to be like me, that everyone had to have a plan. some people are just better at flying by the seat of their pants, i mean, look at all you've accomplished despite me saying such shitty things to you. you're about to debut, you're going to see great success. everyday i'm rooting for you, even if i'm not the person you go home to."

you give his hands a firm squeeze. once, twice, three times. i love you.

"are you divorced?" 

you scoff out a soft laugh, looking down at his jeans. "jake and i haven't been together since the wedding. we spent the honeymoon playing mermaids and crying over whiskey sours."

"i can't forgive you right now." he confesses, making your head snap up to look at him. he swallows hard, "i can't forgive you right now, because i'm still mad at you. for saying those things to me, and…and you hurt me, when you asked me to sing for your wedding. it hurt me a lot, y/n." "i'm sorry, hee." you whisper, your thumbs wipe at the tears spilling from his eyes. he leans into your touch, before pulling away. "i know you are, y/n. i know."

he gently pushes away, offering his hand to help you up. you take it, and he waits for you to put your shoes on before leading you back to the door. "i'll call you, okay? when i'm ready."

you step out of the studio, peering up at him with sad eyes. "you promise?"

he sighs, nodding his head. "i promise, baby."

BABEYUN © 2024. no translations, reposting or modifications are allowed. do not claim as your own. viewer discretion is advised. your media consumption is your responsibility.

[redgoldsparks]

Hi, I just read your book gender queer and wanted to tell you that i have never felt more seen by a book in my life (or any media for that matter). Im also genderqueer and somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum and your book put into words alot of things I’ve never known how to express. Thank you for putting yourself out there!

(also do you have any other comic book recommendations?)

Hello anon! Thank you for this kind message! I very much do have comic book recs. In no particular order, here are some favorites. Not all of these are books are queer, but many are. If you want queer specific recs, here are some other asks I've previously answered- books about nonbinary identities, nonbinary mostly fiction

Memoir/Nonfiction 

Fun Home by Alison Bechdel

Relish: My Life in the Kitchen by Lucy Knisley 

March Trilogy by Senator John Lewis, Nate Powell and Andrew Aydin

The Best We Could Do by Thi Bui

Fetch: How a Bad Dog Brought Me Home by Nicole Georges 

You & a Bike & a Road by Eleanor Davis 

Tetris: The Games People Play by Box Brown

The Called Us Enemy by George Takei, Justin Eisinger, Steven Scott and Harmony Becker

Feeding Ghosts by Tessa Hulls 

Hey Kiddo by Jarrett Krosoczka 

Almost American Girl by Robin Ha 

Dragon Hoops by Gene Luen Yang 

Dancing at the Pity Party: A Dead Mom Graphic Memoir by Tyler Feder 

Banned Book Club by Kim Hyun Sook, Ryan Estrada and Ko Hyung-Ju 

Ducks: Two Years in the Oil Sands by Kate Beaton 

Homebody by Theo Parrish 

The High Desert by James Spooner 

Fiction

Prince of Cats by Ronald Wimberly 

This One Summer by Jillian Tamaki and Mariko Tamaki

Skim by Jillian Tamaki and Mariko Tamaki

Seconds by Bryan Lee O’Malley 

Nimona by ND Stevenson 

The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang 

The Hard Tomorrow by Eleanor Davis

On a Sunbeam by Tillie Walden

This Was Our Pact by Ryan Andrews

Grease Bats by Archie Bongiovanni

The Chromatic Fantasy by H.A. 

Salt Magic by Hope Larson and Rebecca Mock

Beetle and the Hollowbones by Aliza Layne

Kiss Number 8 by Colleen F Venable and Ellen Crenshaw 

Finder Library Vols 1 & 2 by Carla Speed McNeil

Castle Waiting: The Lucky Road by Linda Medley

The Deep and Dark Blue by Niki Smith

Across a Field of Starlight by Blue Delliquanti 

O Human Star by Blue Delliquanti 

Snapdragon by Kay Leyh

Cyclopedia Exotica by Aminder Dhaliwal 

Woman World by Aminder Dhaliwal

The Magic Fish by Trung Le Nguyen 

A Frog in Fall by Lisa Sterte 

Thieves by Lucie Bryon 

The Great Beyond by Lea Murawiec

Short Stories

The Amazing Screw-On Head and Other Curious Objects by Mike Mignola 

Other Ever Afters: New Queer Fairy Tales by Melanie Gillman

[freakshowtwopointoh]

Hi!! Can I request jealous Jordan li where reader is spending a lot of time with someone else, maybe for a school project or something and Jordan notices and is like, nope, not happening, this one's mine bc they're so in love with reader and want all of the attention

Whew, that was a lot, haha,

Thank you!!!!

*not sure if u want established partners or situationship w feelings or something else, but i think imma go with situationship bc thats always the vibe for jordan lol if u want more established relationship lmk*

Debate club was a sensible extracurricular, and you had been doing it since your school stopped having model UN in 9th grade. It wasn't your favorite thing in the world, but you liked to argue, so it worked out. This week, you were arguing the "for" case with your teammate for the semester, Blake Mathers. He's a grating sophomore with floppy hair, and telekinesis powers you've only seen him use to enable his own laziness. The head of the club was nice enough, but he was insistent on "teamwork" when you'd much rather write alone. It was exhausting, trying to filter your thoughts and opinions, and allowing others to shine was not your style.

You try to pay attention to what Blake was saying about the topic, but all you were thinking about was Jordan Li. Ever since you made out at one of Dusty's infamous parties, they had invaded your senses and your thoughts. They'd catch you staring during class, or you'd wear a tiny skirt to a party, and you'd end up in a closet, or a car, or a bedroom, all limbs and heavy breathing.

"Um, hello? Did you hear me?" You shake your head.

"Sorry. Say that again?"

"The argument we wrote yesterday. It's gone - my computer got fucked." Ah, crap. This is the second time Blake's stupidity has made you re-do work. You'd done some research at the start of the week, and he'd forgotten to mention the topic had been changed. You sigh.

"Well, fuck. Alright, let's go back to the library then." You turn around and start walking, trying not to show your disappointment. You'd been hoping to "run into" Jordan at the JitterBean - hence the tight-ass skinny jeans.

Waste of an outfit, you think bitterly, pushing open the glass doors and setting up at the table that you and Blake had been using to do your assignments. Thankfully you'd saved your notes from yesterday, so you began reconstructing your argument while Blake screwed off.

You weren't paying much attention to what he was doing until you saw him fucking with Justine. Now there's some bullying you can get behind. You giggle, and watch as he makes another paper airplane fly around her head. She glares over at him and storms out, which makes you laugh out loud. The librarian glares, and you exchange a guilty look with Blake before getting back into writing.

The afternoon goes by easily after that. You were vaguely aware of other students milling about or studying nearby, but you were in the zone. Finally, at almost 8, the argument was done, and you saved it in multiple places just in case.

You wave goodbye to Blake, happy that the session went reasonably ok and the work was done. Saturday's debate was going to be a blast.

"Have fun on your little date with Mathers?" Jordan was leaning against the outside wall of the library, expression unreadable.

"Is the infamous Jordan Li jealous?" Their eyes harden slightly.

"Not jealous, just lookin out for you. He's a moron." They begin walking beside you, not acknowledging how unhinged they were behaving. Just looking out for you? If they weren't so damn hot, you might slap them. But the fact that they were asking meant.... something, right? You ignored how that made your heart swoop and just kept walking.

"We have debate club together, and he keeps fucking shit up, that's all." You say, in spite of yourself. If you were smarter, you'd let them wonder what you were doing with him. But you couldn't keep from looking at them, and feeling disappointed you can't make out any relief in their eyes. But then, their arm is snaked around your waist and their lips are at your ear.

"You wear those skin fucking tight jeans to just study with him?" You grit your teeth, forcing your mouth to not say what you wanted so desperately to say: 'No, I wore them for you, and you're clearly the idiot if you can't tell that I am so wrapped around your finger that I will dress up just in case I see you.' and just roll your eyes instead. They let their hand slide from your waist to your back pocket, daring you to stop them. And of course you don't. With every inch their hand travels, your heart skips another beat. When they squeeze your ass ever so slightly, a whimper sneaks out before you can stop it.

And with that, you're being pressed against a tree and their lips are on your neck.

"Fuck, J." You curse as their teeth sink into your skin.

"You're mine, baby. Only mine." They murmur in your ear.

"Always have been." You say back, almost moaning as they continue their assault on your neck. They pull away at this.

"Yeah? That why you're spending all your time with Mathers and co instead of me, in such," They pause to run their hands on your hips, pulling you tight against them. "delicious clothes."

"I thought you weren't jealous." You murmur, sliding your hand up their back. "But I wore these, and what's underneath, for you and you alone. He's just a moron who's forced me to re-do my work twice this week alone."

"Oh, you poor baby. Let me take you up and make everyone hear who really owns you." You barely hold back a moan as they drag you up to your dorm to fulfill their promise.

[miirshroom]

Reading between the lines on a narrative (Realm of the Elderlings)

Speculating on some possibilities that are hinted at, but that don't get explored because FitzChivalry is not an omnipotent narrator and sometimes makes observations without grasping the meaning. Mostly involving the way that the magic system interacts with the psychology of various characters in the Farseer trilogy, and that there isn't really enough context for a reader to understand until after also reading the Tawny Man Trilogy. One example involving the Wit, and one involving the Skill.

1. Duke Brawndy of Bearns knew that Fitz was Witted (and saw that as a favourable trait)

Brawndy met Fitz only once and afterwards had a surprising interest in marrying him into the family. In the second trilogy it is discussed how the Wit is a secret kept in the nobility and implied that Brawndy's daughter Faith might be Witted herself. At the end of Royal Assassin Brawndy speaks on behalf of Fitz and has very specific terms: "Prove to us...that FitzChivalry is Witted, and that he used the Wit to kill King Shrewd, and we will let you put him to death as you see fit". And if Regal cannot prove that Fitz used the Wit to kill King Shrewd then Fitz shall have the stewardship of Buckkeep. Brawndy tacitly declared that Fitz having the Wit alone is not a dealbreaker. If Brawndy knows the Wit including its powers and limitations then he believes that he has set Regal an impossible task - a Wit Beast might kill a person but the Wit itself can't kill and leave no mark as was done with King Shrewd. There is also the implication that the Dukes are paying attention to the physical damage done to Fitz, thinking that should provide him a measure of protection.

But still Fitz is a pawn and though the most desirable outcome is that 1) Regal gets impatient and just goes away to Tradeford, which leaves FitzChivalry effectively the leader of the Coastal Duchies, it is more likely that 2) Regal kills Fitz against their wishes and the Dukes get what they wanted anyways - confirmation that Regal will not follow due process and is no true king to the coastal duchies. It's a win-win for the Coastal Dukes - the schism between the Coastal and Inland Duchies was an inevitability anyways. In that case, Brawndy's blindspot would be that he doesn't count on the 3rd option from Regal's use of the Skill. He doesn't know what Fitz knows - that Regal can and will use the Skill to make him speak lies naming Brawndy's own daughter a traitor and more. Brawndy sees Regal as a creature of the Inland Duchies and a coward. He doesn't understand Regal's special brand of selfish insanity that leads him to actively sabotage the Coastal Duchies chances for survival. If Brawndy is familiar with the ways of the Old Blood then he understands how a healthy predator might cede territory to a rival rather than waste the effort to hold onto it, but doesn't comprehend that Regal has more in common with the Forged Ones who are more like rabid beasts. And so Fitz's options are narrowed to requiring his death.

As for how Brawndy could know that Fitz was Witted, that is fairly straightforwards - it's a much more open secret than Fitz thinks that it is. Black Rolf explains to Fitz that he doesn't guard his thoughts to Nighteyes in the way that is taught among the Old Blood. It follows that Fitz has been doing this for all his life and so any Witted person in his proximity is picking up on signals that he doesn't even realize. Fitz recalls and records the ways that he screwed up in keeping his secret of having the Wit, such as when wolf tracks were found in places where he had been fighting Forged Ones with Nighteyes, the time when Nighteyes attacked Justin with the Skill through him, and the time when the girl in Neatbay saw him in the company of a wolf and believed him to have transformed. He can't record what he doesn't know, and the volatility of his status as a royal bastard could have been such that none of the Old Blood nobility were willing to make him aware of themselves in the way that they later would with Prince Dutiful.

2. Chade was Skill-imprinted with a command to be loyal to King Shrewd (and the hidden mechanics of skill-imprinting are one of the most understated drivers of conflict)

Skill imprinting a command seems to be such an intuitive use of the Skill that at least 3 characters have done it accidentally - Chivalry to Galen, Verity to Fitz, and Fitz to Dutiful. Fitz speculates that Galen's coterie must have been Skill-imprinted to serve Regal so completely as they do, in place of the true King Verity. It takes Fitz a long time to break Galen's imprinted command that he has no Skill ability and should kill himself. If he ever truely broke it - considering that he never describes a moment like Dutiful had where he found the command and deliberately severed it. And then Fitz himself incepts it into Regal's mind that he should be loyal to Kettricken and her heir, which seems to bookend the skill-imprinting sub-arc.

King Shrewd was once strong in the Skill, and the only fully trained Skill user in the narrative other than Kettle. Chade always laments not being trained in the Skill, but he does have the ability to learn it, and it is often shown that Skill users have the easiest time reaching the minds of other Skill users. There is nothing stopping Shrewd from long ago using the Skill to subtly command Chade to never even think of doing harm to Shrewd or his offspring. Creating a councillor and assassin with absolute loyalty to Shrewd - but only as long as he remains ignorant of the true power of the Skill. It could explain how Fitz has such a hard time getting his usually sharp mentor to pay attention to the threat presented by Regal. It's only after the death of Shrewd that Chade starts being a more active force in the world. It could be that such Skill commands quietly dissipate once the originator dies, but that echoes of them remain in mental pathways. And would persist unless directly confronted. There's a hint of this near the end of Fool's Fate where Chade is eager to carry out the command of the dragon and Fitz notes that it is normal of Chade to justify a reason for why he's not following an order but instead doing something that he wanted to do anyways. As if such thinking is a habit for him.

It would beg the question of why the Skill coterie would remain loyal to Regal past the death of Galen, if Galen did indeed command them to be loyal to Regal. Probably a few factors. Firstly - Verity burned out the ability of their leader, and then proceeded to hold the remains of Galen's coterie at a distance. Verity had not the time or the ability to undo what Galen had done to break them to his will, just as he and Chivalry hadn't known how to undo the skill command on Galen. Even if the coterie was imperfect, it was thought to be better to have any amount of far distance communication than to have none. Verity gave them reason to hate and fear him and then never made any attempt to reclaim their loyalty. Fitz was given the attention by Verity needed to work through the block created by Galen's Skill command, and it's the Skill link to Verity as much as the kindness that keeps his loyalty to Verity strong.

Secondly, Galen had time and opportunity to master the ability to imprint commands. He had no students for many years so he had little more to do than think about the command implanted in his mind by Chivalry. Consider from every angle how that kind of magic may work, and find ways to close or open loopholes. Fitz understands that skill imprinting can be used in obvious ways like Verity's "Come to me" or his own "Stop fighting me" to Dutiful, but he never seems to unpack that it could be done more subtly. Even Galen's hasty commands to Fitz were more subtle than either of those examples, and Galen could probably do much better if given time and a pliable subject. Extrapolating further, it may even be that failing all other methods Galen realized that Chivalry's death was the last element required to break his Skill command to Galen, and managed to convey to Queen Desire that her ambitions for Regal could proceed after Chivalry's assassination.

Lastly, by the time that the coterie was whittled down to Will, Burl and Carrod they despised Fitz for their own reasons that could only reinforce any prior imprinting by Galen. Fitz has attacked Justin and had killed Justin and Serene. Fitz is an enemy and Fitz is loyal to Verity (who they still hold a grudge towards), therefore they were right to stick with Regal. Regal feeds their hate of Fitz and in return they serve him despite all evidence that he is a cruel and abusive person. They make up their own logic to justify why Regal deserves to have their loyalty. Probably even on some level realizing that they crossed a moral line long ago, and fearing what Verity will visit upon them in retribution if he succeeds in rousing the Elderlings.

[heybank]

DENY PART TWO

ok i think i might make a series about my jj x reader x pope fic

also kind of dedicated to @starfxkr bc their blog gets me through the jj pope drought that is on tumblr (if you don't wanna be tagged i'll totally delete but i luv you even tho i don't know you

this isn't technically a part two but it's inspired by my previous fic deny

i'm hoping to maybe fully flesh out a whole mini story about them bc i love jj and pope so bad and i wanna kiss them both and have them kiss each other.

please send me prompts or if you have any ideas or you just wanna gush about jj and pope 💜

i'm a cancer, ok

you've always felt your emotions more deeply than others. you have a lot of feelings and it's not uncommon for you to start tearing up at random times throughout the day when you see something that elicits a strong feeling from you.

kie says it's because you're a cancer and while she's so true because you are the stereotypical emotional water sign, you're not sure how much of your mental state is because of your astrological sign or if you're genuinely a few screws loose in the head.

you remember hiccuping and sobbing into jjs shirt for the better part of half an hour- staining his sleeveless tee with your tears all because you saw a seagull missing a foot and he seemed to be running slower than his other seagull friends. your only relief from the obvious heartbreaking situation was jj softly murmuring comforting words in your ear, his strong arms around circled around your waist, your body snuggled onto his lap. the scene isn't uncommon for the pogues to see. the two of you have always been more affectionate than most.

all of this leads you to where you are now, curled up on your bed sobbing. soft sad music playing in the background making you sob even more. you put on a brave face with your friends but in the sanctuary of your own bed is where you can finally let your feelings free.

seeing pope and jj kiss hurt you more than you originally thought. your mind keeps replaying the scene of the two boys kiss, their lips moving together sensually, saliva being shared. you're sure that if you hadn't interrupted them, the kiss would lead to something more and involving less clothes.

hey google, play "that should be me" by justin bieber.

what if when they start dating they drop you? what if pope isn't comfortable with how touchy or affectionate you are with jj and he stops your cuddles or what if jj doesn't want you to hang out alone with pope because he knows you two kissed. what if they stop needing you because they have each other?

the thought makes a sob crawl up your throat and fat tears roll down your cheeks. you feel like your head is going to explode from how hard your crying. you need them like air, you felt like that even before you and pope kissed and before you realized you're in love with jj. you need them because they're your closest friends- they're the family you so desperately crave because your own doesn't care much for you and you're so scared if they start dating each other then they won't need you.

it's why you give out your love so freely, the feeling of being needed by people is something that is so deeply and inherently buried in your bones. when someone needs you and you can help them, it feels euphoric. a psychologist would probably have a field day with you because if you're not needed, what good are you?

----

"i'm really confused after our kiss" pope mumbles, nervous to look at jj in the eyes.

"good or bad confused" jj responds.

"is there such thing as good confusion?" pope asks, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed. "i didn't think i was gay or bi or whatever and yeah i think some dudes are hot but like i've never wanted to kiss them but i wanted to kiss you!! and then we kissed and it was like... nice but different and i couldn't help but think about gracie and how she and i kissed and how good that also felt and then i felt guilty and-"

"pope, take a breath" the maybank boy utters, effectively cutting off popes rambles.

"i liked kissing you pope. i never let myself be attracted to dudes but it's you, ya know?" jj continues.

"but i also understand wanting to kiss grace. i... well i want to kiss her too." he finally confesses. he's never said his feelings for his grace out loud before.

pope gently stumbles over to where the maybank boy is perched on his bed, he leans in to grab jjs fidgeting hands, grasping them in what he hopes is a comforting hold.

he leans forward so he can give jj a small peck on the cheek. reassuring him that they're ok, that they'll make it through whatever turmoil they're feeling right now.

jj grabs popes face and brings him in for a deeper kiss, lips and tongues touching. it makes jjs stomach burn with desire. after several minutes or maybe hours of kissing, he's not sure, pope reaches up and pulls on jjs soft blond tresses, tugging on the boys hair a little to pull him away from popes lips. they both let out little gasps when they disconnect.

"have you heard of polyamory?" pope asks jj... a shit eating grin on his lips.

---

giggling and kicking my feet. i love them 💜

[madockisser]

justin duarte appearance assumption

i think that holly black was watching spanish dramas/telenovelas when writing the justin duarte/eva duarte/madoc love triangle, bc a beautiful woman leaving her sexy husband for another sexy guy to go live a better life just screams the plot of a spanish drama show

anyway i imagine justin duarte as this absolute looker, seeing as his appearance isn’t described…

jude says that justin would never raise a hand to even discipline the girls, and madoc says that justin was interesting and strange, personality wise.

justin refused college,(it totally caught me off guard when madoc mentioned college bc WHY does he know what college is LOLL 😭 unless eva mentioned it or smth) and chose to #studytheblade

a human woman snuck him into museums at night so he could study ancient blades (bro prob seduced her (or he was just so fine) like why she out here risking her job for nothing(but i get it babe))

he traveled to fairfold to discover grimsen and asked grimsen his opinion on justin’s work, then made his way to elfhame at some point where he met madoc and eva and worked at madocs estate crafting blades since he was the greatest human smith in the land (and could’ve been the greatest smith ever if he kept practicing but gave it up for eva, which i think is so bittersweet)

anyway, i always imagined him young and naive since he was dumb enough to brag abt stealing madocs wife (i would too king)

but overall a sweet loving dad, and a caring husband, willing to do anything to protect his family. (including burning a pregnant humans body w eva, assuming they did that together, and also trying to take madoc down when he came to their house)

this is how i imagine him younger, in the 90s or so, working at madocs estate (the actor is not latino but this is sorta just how i imagine his appearance)

but as he grew older and continued #weldingtheblade and also being a father and a sexy husband, i imagine him as:

the man here is a mexican actor (and from the 60s or something), but i forgot his name since i made this post ages ago and just now am editing it 😭

for the younger pics, i wanted him to look more boyish, and in both pics i also wanted to atleast attempt to encapture the fact that he is canon latino, (which is crucial to include, but i imagine him w darker skin, it was just absolutely impossible to find a match that looked like irl flyyn rider(which is how i imagined him during the book) but w darker skin) and i imagined him having wavy/ curly hair!

since the duarte twins had wavy/curly hair as well, i imagined both him and eva having wavy / curly hair.

and ofc i wanted to find a reference that was super good looking bc i also imagine madoc being super good looking, so it sorta makes sense why eva and him started screwing around (looking past the logical reasons lol)

anyway here’s mr steal your girl! i’m not sure if anyone actually gaf abt him (and precanon tcp in general) but i sure do!! and since i made an eva version i wanted to make a version for him.

lastly i just wanted to add that these are ofc opinion based, especially since, again, his appearance isn’t mentioned at all. i just love speculating on all tfota characters, esp such important ones that had little page time! if u imagine them differently, which i’m sure u do as everyone is subjective, then great! feel free to add on or speculate in the comments!

[missmyloko]

Hi Justine,

I had an encounter with a Japanese person who hates the geisha world because of Kiyoha’s tweets, and I feel I could have responded better.

Is it ok to ask your opinion/advice? If not, please feel free to ignore my ask and I’ll understand.

I was at a reading group and I’m reading Arai Mameji’s autobiography. When I shared what I was reading, the Japanese person in our group said she hates the geisha world because they sell young girls to powerful men. I said that isn’t true, not anymore at least, and then she brought up Kiyoha’s tweets.

I got really thrown off and wasn’t sure what to say. I said I did get really upset when that news came out, and that it’s hard when you’re in an industry where the clients include politicians and rich, powerful men.

But I also said I’ve been to maiko events where the owner of the restaurant was there at all times, the guests were a mix of men and women, and the maiko were perfectly safe.

I also said that at least thanks to Kiyoha’s tweets, girls who decide to become maiko will do so with open eyes.

The facilitator of the group asked me what do I like about maiko, and I was so thrown that I couldn’t articulate it properly. I said I admire how hard they work to perfect their craft, and i love the beautiful kimono they wear. But when I expounded on how hard they work, I realized I was describing an environment that makes it easy to cover up abuse—no cellphones, only seeing their families at New Year, so I felt awkward again.

So I left that reading group with an icky feeling, and I also felt misunderstood. Though the facilitator was still nice and said he hoped to see me next time.

So, if I have a similar encounter, how can I respond without feeling like I’m defending abuse? 😰

Their environment is traditional, which can make it seem like it's an "easy" place to hide abuse, but that same environment is one that looks out for its own above all, which makes it much safer than one would think. Being in the karyukai really is like being in a secret club, whether you're a geimaiko or a customer you're vetted thoroughly before you enter, and if you go against the grain you're shown the door. It's also a world run by women who truly treat their charges like their own daughters (in 99% of cases anyway), so you know that they don't take abuse or the accusation of abuse laying down. The biggest thing to remember is that, unlike in the past, girls are free to choose the life of a geimaiko and can also leave at anytime without the fear of repercussions, so no one is going into the profession as a slave or has to endure any abuse of any kind. The girls who do this kind of hard work (and it is hard, which is why it's so admirable) are dedicated to the arts and improving themselves, which makes them such bosses. The girls who enter just to wear pretty kimono are quickly weeded out as they can't keep up with the training, but those who triumph have names that are known the world over. As to why you probably admire geimaiko, that's a fairly easy thing to articulate once you sit down and realize what they do. These women buck social norms as they say "no" to traditional gender roles and become the ones who wield power over men. They study the arts that they want, keep schedules that are pretty steady (and can then make their own schedules when they become jimae), and eventually buy whatever they want (and even when they live at the okiya they pretty much want for not). Not only that, but they are power brokers and diplomats for some of the most powerful people on the planet. It takes a special kind of strength to be a geimaiko, and those who succeed in living that life are bad asses. I mean, where else can you be a single mother earning a six figure salary, wear the best clothing, and meet people from across the globe on a nightly basis? In a society where traditional gender norms shape so much of what people can and can't do, geimaiko basically say "screw that" to everything. What happened to Kiyoha was horrible and can't be ignored, which is why the karyukai is starting to take action against that kind of behavior happening again. The good eggs look out for their own, like the events that you've gone to, and this is true in the vast majority of cases. I mean, no system is perfect and there will always be bad apples, but you can't look at Kiyoha's experience and say that the entire profession is like that or that it's tainted beyond repair because of what one girl went through. Anything worth fighting for requires effort, and it's up to people like us to put in the effort to help dispel the myths surrounding geimaiko so that this wonderful profession can continue to thrive in the future, hopefully with the necessary changes being made to ensure that it becomes a safer environment for all involved ^^

[ladystoneboobs]

Two Weeks of Theon: What-Ifs

i'm not a fanfic writer or fanartist, but sometimes i like to think of au turns of fate for theon after balon's first rebellion. just thinking of all the ways his life was screwed no matter what, all the different ways his childhood could have been worse or bad in a different way, just never really that much better for long. there's no hostage scenario which doesn't turn to turn to shit sooner or later, with misery and/or very real danger of death, and it's why i just can't help but feel for him.

if balon had refused to bend the knee and lost his head for it, or just died fighting instead of leaving all the hard work to his brothers and older sons. with rodrik and maron still dead, theon could be a child lord, but obviously robert would appoint his own loyal regent, not one of theon's uncles who had just fought against him. and imo the person for that unpleasant task of ruling the isles as a foreign invader would be stannis, royal master of ships who'd just helped robert defeat the iron fleet. so theon is raised by stannis, he who is notoriously without mercy, a captive in his own home. there would inevitably be an ironborn resistance, trying to free theon (and asha and alannys), but there wouldn't be a united opposition. would vic and pre-born again aeron listen to rodrik the reader? and would they be effective at all without a smart person to lead them? either way, there'd be another group gathering around euron wanting theon (and maybe asha) dead (at their hands or stan's if they could provoke him) so that euron could take the throne as the only greyjoy strong enough to win balon's war and take their revenge. so even if a non-kinslayer uncle, greyjoy or harlaw, or anyone else loyal to balon's kids managed to free theon, then euron would still be waiting as the biggest danger.

alternately, what if robert gave theon as hostage to stannis, rather than the friend he loved more than his brothers? theon grows up on dreary dragonstone, worse than dreary pyke bc it wasn't his family's home and there wouldn't even be boys his own age to befriend. stuck with selyse and axell florent while stannis was in kl (and stannis himself when he was home), the only bright spots being if stannis ever took him to court with him, or when justin massey or other more fun vassals came to dragonstone. then when stannis discovers the incest, returns to dragonstone and locks down the island, theon's stuck for good. and when stannis learned of balon's 2nd rebellion, he wouldn't hesitate to execute theon even if he just fought for him on the blackwater.

or what if robert didn't turn to his brother or his foster brother to take theon when balon bent the knee, but instead his father-in-law. theon grows up in luxury at casterly rock, maybe actually befriends tyrion, but also gets sucked into lannister dysfunction and the tywin lannister school of tyranny, which would be a different mix on top of greyjoy dysfunction/abuse and ironborn tyranny. when war breaks out, theon's drafted on the lannister side against the starks/tullys in the riverlands. if he's in jaime's army, there's a chance he becomes a stark captive under very different circumstances. actually no, wait, becoming a stark/tully prisoner might be theon's only chance of survival in this au bc if he's raised a lannister hostage instead, there's a very high chance that balon would enter the war by attacking the westerlands after all, so if theon was still with tywin when that news hits there goes his head on a spike in harrenhal or the red keep.

or if robert just took theon hostage himself back to kl, rather than delegating a proxy to guarantee balon's loyalty to him. this could be the best au scenario captor-wise, at least while robert's alive. robert was more pro-child killing than ned but also even more short-sighted and ignorant of possible danger, known for winning over/befriending past (non-targ) enemies. would a guy willing to kill tommen and myrcella after thinking they were his own flesh and blood for their whole lives even think to distance himself from a hostage on the faint possibility of another lord being willing to sacrifice his only son? or would he be more likely to let theon get attached only to then do an aboutface and execute him in a rage if balon shocked him by rebelling against the iron throne again after all? since that never happened in robert's reign, theon could have been the eldest son he'd never had (since he didn't care for joffrey and never met gendry), with robert gladly initiating him into drinking and whoring, joining a group of hangers-on like justin massey. (i could also see theon getting along with renly and loras, but considering loras left the redwyne twins--his own double cousins--behind when he and renly split town, idt they'd bother to take theon when they fled after robert's mortal injury either.) the real problem would be joffrey, a jealous and cruel foster brother, with his status as crown prince giving some power to try to bully theon despite being younger, and cersei, a queen overprotective of joffrey and hating anyone close to robert. then after cersei kills robert, she and king joff have complete control over hostage theon, abused prisoner alongside sansa. and again, good chance balon would attack the westerlands in this au as they're much closer than kl or the baratheon stormlands, so theon would need to find some way to escape lannister custody to survive.

or what if robert gave custody to his foster father, jon arryn? lord arryn can't raise a hostage the same as ned and robert, who were straight up wards, and he's no longer childless himself and only in charge of his own homeland as he was back then. in canon timeline jon arryn was too busy ruling all the realm as hand to pay too much attention to his own wife and heir. imagine theon with lysa and sweetrobin. after jon arryn's death, he'd either be stuck with them at the eyrie and later have to deal with littlefinger too or robert would take custody and it would play out like above bulletpoint. most interesting scenario is if robert/cersei manage to send both theon and sweetrobin to tywin at the rock.

or if ned just remembered to keep his hostage close by bringing theon to kl with him. (idt ned ever thought of theon in a fatherly way but he at the least saw him as a kid who was robb's close friend. that has to be why he left theon at wf, bc i can't imagine he actually expected 14yo robb to behead his boyhood friend on what must seem like a slim possibility (esp by then, after almost 10 years) of balon rebelling. whatever his capacity for cruelty to theon, idt he'd be capable of such cruelty to his own child(ren) and mr. personal responsibility wrt killing would have felt this was his personal duty after taking charge of theon, if he actually thought of the possibility at all.) there's a pretty good chance theon could get killed with all the stark guardsmen in the throne room, since cersei's coup was far from foolproof. but if someone reminded her of his (supposed) value as a hostage and arrangements were made to take him alive, then again he'd be captive alongside sansa, except this is the only au where they wouldn't be meeting for the first time.

or if everything else stayed the same except euron returned home earlier, same time as theon at the start of the war. all of balon's and theon's war plans go out the window with balon's murder and euron taking the throne. theon who came determined to be balon's heir would not stand for this, but could only survive by working with asha, who was a stranger to him by then. this scenario has the highest chance of theon's death imo. bc really what it comes down to is theon was always screwed, even if he made better choices in canon acok, even if he took his last chance to leave with asha, they'd still just have to deal with euron later. always caught between foreign captors and a kinslayer uncle with no true chance for escape both.