#SHE'S MORE THAN JUST A PART OF A RELATIONSHIP AHHHHHHHH

[revenantghost]

When I searched “trigun fanart” to load up the queue on @trigunart there was such a lack of any non-ship art of Meryl in the top 1k-2k posts I’m still angy about it, smh my girl deserves better. Legato and Milly showed up more than her (both of whom are great characters, but Meryl’s even more of a main character???) SMH

[furinafocalor]

XiaoVen

all of these fics are centered around the ship Xiao (Alatus)/ Venti (Barbatos).

links will be attached to all of them and the names will be underlined.

the ships with a * beside them are my personal favs please go check all of these fics out when you have the time!

atop wangshu inn's peak- by vflxvyr

venti (awfully) tries to sneak up on xiao. cue xiao being whipped and mildly concerned

9/10 A cute and short fic. I don't know why I liked it so much but I loved how their relationship was potrayed. Super adorable!

*Cecilias Smell Sweeter in Summer- by Lantica1317

Camp Seven A is a small summer camp all of the kids in the local town of Teyvat attend at least once. Xiao has just moved to Teyvat and finds himself taking a job at Camp Seven A as a counselor for the Anemo group. His co-counselor Venti is all too happy to teach him the ropes. Why is that dude so friendly?

10/10 O.M.G. I loved this fic so much. I loved the au, the build up, the romance. Ugh! I loved it. It is rated as mature but the author kindly let us know when to avoid that part if you want to. So go read it please!

*Twin Songs and Matching Marks- by Elixiro

Xiao can hear every song his soulmate listens to. Unfortunately for him, his soulmate loves playing rhythm games.

9/10 The cutest soulmate au of them all. Their first meeting was absolutely stunning! I loved everything about this fic! It's about 5,000 words so go check it out!

your smile and the words i didn't know i wanted to hear- by lore_bee

"He's staying in Liyue," Alatus muttered just loud enough for Hu Tao to hear. Hu Tao froze. Her cards dropped from her pale hands as she screamed, "WHAT!?" Her body left the bed as she danced around the room. "Omg! It's meant to be! The archons have blessed you Alatus! Oh what fortune they have bestowed upon you!" Alatus dropped his own cards lying back on his bed. The next few minutes continued with Hu Tao excitedly spinning around the room and Alatus covering his ears with a pillow. or, Alatus is a superhero known as Adeptus Xiao. Barbatos, a heroin from Mondstat, says he's staying in Liyue. Chaos and attraction is becoming the new norm for Alatus. or, Venti lusting after Xiao's abs... for like ten minutes...

10/10 I really adored this au. I don't think I've ever been able to find any genshin superhero fics before so this one was a treat! It's around 12,000 words so it's pretty long. Definitely worth it though!

the history teacher is a married man- by aprilfalls

"Excuse me, mister— I mean Xiao," spoke one particular student in the 4th period before class began. Her lips were stretched into a demon-eating grin, and the look in her eyes screamed potential danger. "Yes, Hu Tao?" Xiao drowns his long-suffering sigh in his throat; a habit formed to not fuel the demonic energy that Hu Tao runs on. Hu Tao swallows, which does nothing to dampen her terrifying smile. "I'm sorry for prying, Mister-I-Mean-Xiao, but is that a ring I see on your hand?" Oh Barbatos, here it comes now. [or: four nosey kids, and the things it takes for them to realize that two of their teachers are married... to each other.]

8/10 AHHHHHHHH. So cute. Go read. Now.

tip me over and pour me out- by pyrochords

It becomes painstakingly obvious that Xiao has a thing for Barbatos, so friends new and old attempt to play matchmaker. They won’t rest until the apple of Xiao’s eye takes up residency in both his heart and his teapot. Venti is far more perceptive than people give him credit for, but thinks you should never meet your heroes. Somehow, they make it work.

7/10 The way they beat up Childe. I loved Venti and Xiao's interactions so, so much. This fic was so good. I promise you won't be dissapointed.

That's the end for right now! Thanks for checking out my post. Follow my blog for more fic recs. I'll be making a masterlist soon and I'll attach the link here. In the meantime, here's the link to my KazuScara fic rec and my ChongQiu fic rec!

[tunemyart]

okay so i'm already past the juiciest kalicia parts of tgw and aside from my being really sad that the potential for their reconciliation (which it seems they wanted to arc out!) went thumbs down emoji, I'm so inevitably ahhhhhhhh about the roots and manifestation of kalicia at all! bc so much of both is down to kalinda's character - her mystery, her careful reservation and restraint in both her words and her bearing, her halting, repeated protests that she doesn't really have friends... with the implication, in saying this to alicia in various contexts, that alicia is an exception, and a big one at that.

how unfathomably huge an exception isn't more than hinted at in the subtext (which is there, sure! BUT) until that jawdropper of the way blake lays out what he's put together: how off the wall defensive and terrified kalinda becomes every time alicia or kalinda's friendship with her is threatened, and how that tell has led him to kalinda's buried past and how it was buried. and let me tell you i screamed when in the next episode's recap, which picked up at the precise moment of that very revelation, the line changed slightly - but dramatically!! - to be even more emphatic: "alicia. it's about alicia. that's what you care about more than anything."

uhhhhh??????

I don't know I don't know I don't know!!! but it was sure something to watch her spiral out of control while trying so, so desperately to keep a lid on it over the next few eps in a way that to this point, and without this layer exposed, might have actually seemed antithetical to her character... but it's not. why? bc it's alicia. it's what kalinda cares about. more than anything.

idk I'm just so feral about kalinda in this stretch of time, telling on herself in so many ways, none of which she would previously have allowed herself. shaken after the confrontation with blake, her first call is to alicia - just to hear her voice. she goes and talks to peter florrick, who correctly surmises that alicia learning the truth would destroy her - but only from the perspective of his own marriage to her. but you can see so clearly on kalinda's face and the things she's almost audibly restraining herself from saying - she knows it's going to be less about peter, and more about kalinda. and she's right. she hooks up with amanda rollins sophia russo, who if I'm not mistaken is kalinda's first onscreen woman lover, in what is 100% a reaction to the fallout with alicia, and - by kalinda's standards - loses her shit when she finds out that sophia's gotten married since she last saw her, that kalinda is, once again, albeit in a very different way, the person with whom a spouse is cheating.

but that's also the thing that I'm ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh about - bc kalinda has made exceptions for alicia. in friendship, of course - but holy shit, it's beyond obvious that kalinda loves her. and kalinda is very determinedly someone who does not do relationships, who doesn't want to let someone, anyone, close bc she's terrified of both being hurt and hurting them. so sex is practical. sex is fun. sex is no strings. anything else doesn't make sense to her. she and will have that conversation about how they're not normal, and will talks about being in the middle of an emotion and realizing he's not feeling anything, he's just acting. and as with so many other kalinda scenes, she says very little, but her scene partner manages to say so much about her, if only via holding up a (funhouse) mirror to her in their words, one that she acknowledges.

and so in light of all this, the idea of a kalinda/alicia relationship? in just what ways would alicia continue to be kalinda's exception? the thing that kalinda cares about - more than anything?

[kamimammy]

another noragami AU

this one is a bit more complex,it supposed to be post canon,so after 5 years Hiyori starts to remember blurry at first but then she encounters Nora and all memories come rushing.

this canon will have the propt of Yato and Hiyory sharing Yato's divinity after he saves her clamiming he will gve her his all,now they are literally like two halfs of the same divine power.

in this AU nora will be able to be named again by Hiyori,she will call her Sumi/Sumine since yato clan name is "ne" the interesting concept of this idea is that yato can call on Sumine and Hiyori can call on both Yukine sekki and Kazune reiki is like both yato and hiyori are yato but they are separated begins

the story will follow them finding eachother again,with a older Hiyori who has been feeling the void yato left on her when he cut ties,they finally allowing the relationship,slow at first since they are axious they can lose it again but desesperately wanting connection and intimacy to anchor them,proving is real.

forming a family with Yuki and Sumi and the ocasional Kazuma that now lives a somewhat cooparent situation XD

Hiyori learning what it means to be a god,acepting the fact she will eventually be forgotten by her human family,etc

also the blooming relationship of mom/daugther of Sumi and hiyori

Yato and Hiyori are both THIRSTY for each other but they are panicking,Hiyori cause she feel the disonance of what was basically a puppy love suddenly evolves into physical attraction and she feels like she is doing Yato dirty for lust after him,Sumi,Yuki and Kazuma all telling her she is a dumbass and that is normal for a 20 something to feel that way for the man she is basically been in love all this time

Yato is also battling his lust,he has no doubts of his feelings for but he feels undeserving,dirty,he has finally get her back and now is so scared to do anything that can jeopardize that but at same time he can't stop wanting her(he simping haaard)

The lovebirds shinki are suffering through this madness and are basically begging them to just get a room and stop the tension

Sumi and Yato are in a hard position,they are connecting again because they both adore Hiyori and that is slowly helping them realize how horrible their "father" love was,sometimes the lash out to each other but even so when yato calls Sumi vessel she answers to him,sometimes they will seek their silent company,sometimes they talk through Hiyori or Yukine,sometimes she defends him,sometimes he defends her,slowly healing,slowly re connecting

Sumi shinki form is a water dragon,not the normal chinese/japanese representation like But she is like a western dragon but all made of water(if you seen sakura card captor clear card,the card aqua is similar but in bird form) she can extend that water like her usual abilities,the sun goes through her forming rainbows everywhere since she is now Hiyori rainbow baby

(Note:I think the name Sumi which means both pure and clear water is perfect for Nora but im very unsure of how to translate it to her vessel form,I will be very grateful if someone can help me with that part)

Bishamonten is going crazy there is now 3 people sharing Kazuma,but she is secretly rooting for the yatori to happen

Yukine being a little shit going to work with Hiyori stating she is a better God than Yato just to be a brat(but also cause Hiyori is acting like a mom and he is drowning on it but you won't get that info out of him not even under torture,he is definitely not a mama's boy,nope)

Kofuku is RABID for her favorite ship to do the horizontal tango and is a ally

Tenjin is a bit of a hater but cause he feels Yato is getting to lucky cause Hiyori is a BABE,Tsuyu is not amused

Hiyori begin a hardworking,beautiful boss babe and Yato is a homeless dude and everyone is literally doing excel works trying to understand HOW he got this women but then they see the way he looks at her and how he worships the floor under her feet and they are like "ahhhhhhhh"

YATO BEGIN A ABSOLUTE SIMP

he is like crush me with your thighs,smother me with your bobs,mess me up I'm youuuuuuuuurs

Hiyori is definitely not a pervert(or so she says but she 24/7 thinking in riding Yato and bend him like a pretzel....the sexy way ;) )

[mj-thrush-gxn]

asking this to my fav dndads artists, do you ship any of the teens, if so whom with?

Sorry i took a little while to think about this

hmmmm

this is actually a really hard question because i haven’t really thought about it-

okay i’m gonna go teen by teen 🫡

Taylor— honestly, swiftli. I feel like link is the one taylor gets along best with, so it’s kinda hard for me to see taylor with anyone but link.— BUT ALSO the idea of gothweeb is adorable and i find it kinda funny. they kinda bully each other but it’s fun because i love them. gothweeb is probably my #2 taylor ship. —i feel like taylor and hero was funny but it would’ve never worked out, and it didn’t, and i thought it was really funny. so like, i didn’t really ship it, but i thought they were hilarious.

Link— this is when i reveal my biggest secret… i love gothcleats. i like gothcleats a lot more than i like swiftli. gothcleat moments are more serious and carry more meaning, swiftli if mainly just funny homoeroticism and i love it. i honestly don’t know how to explain why i like gothcleats so much i just do. they hold a special place in my heart. —swiftli is my second favorite. LIKE AHHHHHHHH!!! PIZZA, PISS, HOMOEROTICISM!!!! ALL THE BEST THINGS!!! once again, their relationship is mostly just them being dorky little dweebs and i love them for it. — I LOVE KICKWORTHY… but that’s mostly because it’s basically just me and my best friend and i thought it was funny. i love the joker, my best friend loves garfield, instant win.but in all seriousness, i don’t really have a big opinion on them. i feel like since link didn’t like him at all until after apollo four teens, they dont have a wholesome enough relationship. i know that link has warmed up to herm a lot since then and i find them cute, its just that. — oakicks- i love oakicks and i think that if they polished up their friendship that would be wonderful. norm tries so hard to make everything good for everyone, especially link and herm, but it never works for him. so like, if link had tried a little harder to be nice and include him earlier in the season, it coulda worked.

Norm— ah norm… poor sweet norm… ANYWAY!! Oakworthy. i love oakworthy. it’s so dimmed but i also think it’s so cool and i just think it should be 100% canon. i mean, normal has been manifesting it since the dance, so like, cmon. I feel like herm doesn’t actually like scary as much as he says he does. like it’s just part of the bit. if herm breaks character, the first thing he better do is give norm a smooch. that’s all im saying. i will choose to believe that hermie actually likes normal and is just playing a part rn. he has to crack. he just has to. Norm deserves to get what he wants for just once, and this is all he wants. please anthony, let will have his moment. — Coin Toss, do they actually have a ship name? cause if not i just came up with one. Anyway- scary and norm. i love them. they are so same narrative opposite direction and i love them for it. i see them as platonic but like, feel free to give the homies a kiss ig. but yeah i mostly see them as platonic and scary needs to accept that norm is her new best friend. deal. — i already laid out my reasons why oakicks doesn’t work. i love them but like 😔. —oakweeb just does not work. it never will. taylor bullies norm way too much.

Scary — uhhh- Gothcleats, Gothkicks, wtv. i already laid out my reasons in links section. but like, link and scary could help each other out so much. both of their lives would be (i don’t wanna say so much, but) better. anyway- scary just needs to accept that she can be loved. — gothweeb, i already laid out my thoughts in taylor’s section. i like that and i think they would be cute, but like, not established enough. so i see them as platonic. — already stated my case for coin toss, platonic and i love them. I will explain the whole scary and hermie thing in the herm section- cause i need to write down stuff for herm… — scerica. yes. i love them. let the girls be girls. i ship it, like extremely, but also- they only interacted once in canon. they are my teen, female, nark basically. yes.

Herm- THE SCENE PARTNERS- SCARY AND HERM ARE JUST SCENE PARTNERS TO HERM- I FEEL LIKE HERMIE AND SCARY ARE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS AND THEY SHOULD HAVE GIRLSNIGHT WITH MARGARITA AND ERICA- HERM REFERRED TO SCARY AS A SCENE PARTNER THATS ALL IM SAYING — oakworthy. yes. if hermie can get over himself and accept that scary is nothing but a friend and a scene partner, it would work. please. i am begging. — already stated my place on kickworthy — swiftworthy is illegal.

your welcome-

i rambled- a lot.

[andvys]

TATTOO KISS PART 30

- “You can´t wait to see him, to feel him, to kiss him” AHHHH! I LOVE THAT!

- “You realized that you would be okay, you will find your way back to each other, because the bond that you share is one of a kind, a friendship like yours cannot be broken, no matter what” I like that they´re still gonna be friends, bc I think that when they were friends thinks where easier between the two of them and it seemed easier to trust in the other when they were friends

- “Eddie is sitting on his doorstep, staring up at the pink sky. A cigarette between his lips, he seems to be lost in his thoughts, not noticing you yet” Aww I’m sure he looks cute while he´s lost in his thoughts

- “He looks so pretty” OF COURSE! HE´S EDDIE HE´S THE PRETTIEST BOY!!

- “He is wearing the Megadeth shirt that you had gotten him a while back” Not Eddie using a shirt that´s from my favorite metal band! I love you for that!!

- Why is he sad???

- “You don´t see the way his brows furrow, the way his eyes flash with confusion, you don´t even notice how long it takes him to hug you back” WHATTTTT????

- “I missed you” Did you? He wants to ask, Whyyyyy? OFC I MISSED HIM!

- Yes, I missed him when I was with Steve!!!

-“Are you going to tell me that you went back with Harrington” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

- “Listen, I-I uh, need time…I can´t really deal with this, right now” NOOOOOOO, Y/N doesn´t like Steve anymore, but bc of Steve he doesn´t believes Y/N!!!

- “How can he think he is not worthy? When he is the greatest man and person you´ve ever met” AWWWW

- “You… thought about leaving me?” Nooooooooooo! Andy how can you do this to meee??? ☹

- Awww, I wanna cry, poor Y/N she can´t trust in ppl anymore because they leave, her dad left her, then Steve, I wouldn ´t judge her for thinking that

- AWWWWW, he won´t leave her!

- Y/N is a badass!

- Y/N has a picture of Eddie in her locket??? That´s so cute!!

- I think I´m as impressed as Eddie is bc of his picture in Y/N´s locket. Like I imagined her not knowing what picture to put in it, so maybe it was “pictureless” for a while until she realized that she loved Eddie, so then she put that picture of him that maybe she took, maybe Wayne gave her that picture? IDK

- “As soon as I got it, I cut your face from a picture we took at the carnival, and put it inside” AHHHHHHHH, now I know why she put that picture

- “I love you, Eddie. More than just my best friend” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I LOVE THIS!!!!

- “I can´t live without you” AWWWW, I´m gonna cry, like Steve really hurt her, A LOT. And also, she just doesn´t realizes how much Eddie loves her!!

- “I love you so much Eddie Munson” AWWWWWW

- “I love you so much princess” AWWWW, he calls her Princess!! I love it!

- Awww, I love that Eddie´s love is unconditional

- I love how Eddie really prefers her to be happy, than to make her suffer, even if he knows that he can makes her happy, he can´t just force her to love him, and i´m glad that he waited for her

- “I hurt you, I-I´m sorry. I´m so sorry” Awwww

- “I bought it just for you” AHHHHHH! I love that!

- “I love everything about you” He´s so sweet!

-  “I want to learn what you like Eds” AHHH!

- THE SMUT?? LOVE ITTTT!

- “My pretty boy” That´s so cute!

- Eddie crying during sex because feels love and loved!!

- “You are trusting him, loving him, letting him love you” AWWW, that´s so sweet

- “You´re the love of my life” AWWWWW, He´s so sweet!

- “He feels like home” because he´s home

- “You´re mine too” AWWW, they  do love each other

- “I can´t believe you want me” Now I wanna cry, like he´s the best boy ever, why wouldn´t someone choose him??

- WTF was wrong with Steve? Like let´s talk a little bit about Steve as a bf to Y/N, he was such an ass, like Steve only cleaned Y/N only ONCE in all their relationship?? Apart from the other things he´s done before, I´m glad that Y/N found Eddie

- “The fucking cutest” HAHAHA! Love it

- “He had his eyes on you before he even knew your name” AWWWWWWW

- “Loving you felt so safe” Awww, I love that!

- “We´re fucking idiots” HAHAHA! They are!!

- Ok, so Robin knew that Eddie like Y/N but still prefer Steve to be with Y/N than Eddie??

- And Steve knew even before Gareth??? WTH!

- Not Eddie having a jacket that belongs to Y/N while in the first chapters, Y/N had Eddie´s jacket in her bedroom

-  WAYNEEEEEEE

-  Even Wayne knew and Eddie and Y/N didn´t HAHAHA

- AWWWW, happy Eddie! I love it!!

- Awww, so they´re gonna have a trip? That´s romantic!

- Okay, i´m kinda sad that she´s gonna move out of the state with Eddie bc I hoped to see more of them as a couple, but surrounded by friends and family

- I´m also sad that it seems like, after Steve and Y/N, his dad seems cold towards him

- AWW, the end was cute

Okay, I´m crying rn, I did not expect that they would move out of Hawkins, I imagined them living in a little house near Wayne or smth, or even still living with Wayne and Y/N´s mom, but I hope that in some future, they come back to Hawkins, I hope they come either to visit or to stay, and spend time with Heather, Argyle, Chrissy, Robin, Steve, Wayne, and Y/N´s mom, but I liked this chapter a lot!

-  🩷

AAHHH IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKED THE LAST CHAPTER!!!

thank you for this review! i’m always so entertained reading your reactions! 🤭🩷

Eddie and her just wanted some time to themselves, that’s why they decided to move out of Hawkins! They will be back though, and you’ll see them back in Hawkins in the epilogue!

Thank you for reading this story, for sending all these sweet reviews and for your support 🩷🫶🏻

[moon-ursidae]

SESSION #7

as always, SPOILERS for BOTH of the last of us games and the HBO series are below the cut!!

i… have not played this in quite a few weeks huh? i’ve just been so hyped up on joel and ellie, that i’ve been going through the first game for the 3rd time, and really taking in their relationship. then the show premiered and i’ve been losing my shit over that. with the lack of joel and ellie in the second game, i’ve been putting it off hella. i wanted to get in a little bit of time with it today though. so we’ll see how this goes lmao

total play time: somewhere between 11-12 hours!

NOTES:

so the last time i played some fuckin stalker skittered in the doorway and i shit my fuckin pants

so let’s see what this is about 🥲

that was literally fucking horrifying like they were literally peeking around corners JAVAKSVSK

S C A R Y

FUCK stalkers. all my homies HATE stalkers

oh shit they’re gonna be everywhere now huh?

omg with clickers??? OOF

THE FOOTSTEPS ABOVE??? FUCK OFF

ellie open the goddamn door

i chimed in ellie

open the goddamn door

brendon urie may have ruined panic! at the disco but that doesn’t mean you can’t open the goddamn door ellie

AHHHHHHH

OUT THE WINDOW??????

INTO THE RAPIDS????

this bitch WANTS me oh my god

that was awful

this is awful

“fuck seattle” LMAOOOOO

i’m glad that’s over

…it was not over

a fucking stalker jumpscared me from the wall lmao

ANYWAY

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SOUNDS???

i’m getting the F U C K outta this sewer

OUTSIDE!!

WOOOOO

this overgrown park is gorgeous

it’s not gorgeous anymore someone is hanging

oh fuck! the whistling! the seraphites do be near

yea they’re here ellie just took an arrow to the shoulder holy shit

THESE GUYS ARE SCARY BRO

THE BIG ONES???

running for my life

i have used more ammunition in the past few combat zones than i ever have playing tlou

“you better not have strung nora up.” ellliiieeeeeeeeee don’t let it take over

the lighting is fucking phenomenal

the glow that these fires are giving off blows me away everytime

and how the look in the fog?? F U C K

JOURNAL ENTRYYYYYY

i like her lil drawing of the big ones hehe

…back inside

I WANNA BE OUTSIDE DAMNIT

buildings scare me i don’t like them. never did

there are hella pigeons somewhere goddamn

CARD BABYYYYYYYYY

i feel like i’ve missed so many

LOOTING! MY FAVORITE >:)

awe this poor bastard got killed before he could get the meds to his wife :(

i think their letters have been scattered throughout? or i just haven’t played in a while LMAO

probably the latter

side note: i want ellie’s tattoo so goddamn fucking bad bro. like my life depends on it

more seraphites!!

stealthing in the grass is so fucking fun oh my god

EVEN MORE OF THEM??

i’m using so many of my resources fuuuuck

i have no way to upgrade my melee or make more molotovs…

MORE LOOTING >:)

ruston coffee is quite literally the starbucks of tlou universe

i feel like i’m gonna get ambushed in this merci building

i’m putting down mines in front of this door lmao i just have a gut feeling

it’s too quiet

HOLY SHIT THAT’S A BIG FUCKIN GUY

BUT HE DIDN’T EVEN HIT ME ONCE BC I PUT THE MINES DOWN WOOOOOOO

fuck yea

OH MY GOD BITS OF THIS GUY ARE FALLING OFF THE CEILING AHHHHHHHH

THIS GUY WAS CARRYING FUCKING STORMBREAKER HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS

i’m glad the rest of this building is clear bc holy fuck

OUTSIDE WOOOOOOO

i’m honestly really surprised there was no one on the roof

weston’s pharmacy seems really dicy…

i’m going in hahaha

WORTH IT! ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYYYY

i have never been so conflicted by choosing upgrades before

i have 92 parts but i W A N T that scope on my rifle but it’s 80 PARTS

fuck it.

SCOPE ACQUIRED

WATER STEALTH??? PLEASE???

OH SHIT IT’S THE GIRL W THE PS VITA

is that fuckin hotline miami…

HOLD ON

ellie’s kinda….

got me blushin a bit

BRO AND HER SHADOW ON THE WALL AS SHE’S STANDING OVER THIS WLF W HER KNIFE TO HER THROAT

OOOOOOOOOO

oh my god that IS hotline miami

jfc

oh my god are these all fucking bodies in these biohazard bags

jesuuus

STEALTH!

I’M USING SO MANY RESOURCES >:(

a note! WOOO

it’s just a supply list lmao

don’t go near the lower levels? i’m guessing i’m gonna end up there

IT WAS A GOOD DAY?? AYO???

whoever’s playing that send me ur playlist plz

ellie who cares if it’s nora? whoever it is they have great taste in music

just let the vibes wash over you ellie

INTO THE VENTS WE GO

she’s in the walls… SHE’S IN THE GODDAMN WALLS

hahaha

ANYWAY

ABBY WAS HERE???? IN A CELL??? THAT’S WHO THEY WERE TALKIN ABOUT EARLIER THEN

why was she in a cell tho???

OH SHIT MY HEART IS RAAACCCIIIINNNGGGGGGG THIS IS SO INTENSE

sometimes i think “is ellie really doing this for joel? or is it for her?” and most of the time the answer is that it’s more for her.

joel knows what happened to him was bc he did the same shit ellie has been doing this whole time

he killed a fuck ton of people to get her to safety. but was it always for her? no. joel couldn’t lose another child. so him protecting her, i feel like, was for him as well. so he could have that safety of knowing she was alive and breathing. so he could do what he didn’t with sarah. save her.

but then look where that got him. and now look at ellie. and where that’s gonna get her. it all comes full fuckin circle man. it’s so poetic

this shit is SO GOOD.

the way that ellie isn’t even shaking or wavering during this confrontation w nora.. JESUS

“you still hear his screams?” THEN she starts shaking

her gun was BARELY moving before then

ASHLEY JOHNSOOONNNNNNNN

“yeah, that little bitch got what he deserved.” OH HELLLLLLLLLL TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN NAHHHHHHHHH FOOL

YOU HAVE BALLS TO SAY THAT AT THE PERSON POINTING A GUN AT YOU THAT IS THERE BC YOU KILLED JOEL BRO

ellie you had the shot bro

oh hey! the lower levels!

OH MY GOD WAIT ELLIE IS SO SMART FOR THIS

THERE’S SPORES DOWN HERE SO NORA IS FUCKED EITHER WAY

pitting infected and other humans against each other is SICK

oh my god there’s so much fungal growth down here JESUS

hearing nora coughing in the distance oh my god

“hi nora.” AND THEN BLOCKING THE DOOR HOLY FUUUUCK ELLIE

HER VEINS HOLY SHIT

THE SHOT OVER ELLIE’A SHOULDER LOOKING DOWN ON NORA IS COOOOOLD

these graphics are fucking crazy like this looks like it didn’t go through any animation what-so-ever

goddamn.

i could talk about just this shot for so long.

holy shit

“i’m fucking dead anyway why would i tell you anything?” THE WAY ELLIE GETS CLOSER AND SQUATS DOWN WITH THE FUCKING PIPE OH MY GOD

“think about what he did” AND SHE GRIPS THE SHIT OUT OF THE LEAD PIPE AHHHH

THE FUCKING THRUMMING SOUNDS ARE SOOOOO GOOD

OH MY GOD IT’S MAKING ME PRESS THE BUTTON

FUUUUUUCK MAN

and nora groaning and coughing in pain in between JESUS CHRIST

AGAIN??? THE CRYING OH MY GOD

ellie’s face man. holy fuck.

uh oh, back to the theatre

her hand shaking holy fuuuuck man

“it’s me.” HER VOICE SHAKING :(

and she freezes at first when dina hugs her😭😭

STOP SHE’S SHAKING SO BAD😭

hoooooly shit. she’s cut and bruised the fuck up

ellie could not do this without dina. holy fuckin shit.

“i don’t wanna lose you.” 😭😭😭😭😭

OH NO. OH NO. SAINT MARY’S HOSPITAL???

OHHHH NO.

ONLY 2 YEARS??😭😭

pediatrics? uh oh.

this feels weird.

i don’t like this.

it’s fucking odd

THE MUSIC AHHHHHH

I DON’T WANNA LOOK FOR THINGS THAT WILL HURT THEIR RELATIONSHIP BUT ELLIE DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH

“why’d you all leave?” joel. it was joel ellie.

oh no. it’s the tape.

sidebar: that’s ashley burch!

ANYWAY

i’m crying just seeing joel riding in on his horse.

HE CARES ABOUT HER SO MUCH OH MY GOD

oh my god plz the way he’s shifting his weight nervously after she told him to tell her what happened

(pedro does that in a lot of his roles) ANYWAYY

the pain in ellie’s eyes🥺

joel looks so hurt too UGH

the way he’s struggling to get it out bc he knows that she’s gonna be so fucking upset😭

HE’S NOT EVEN LOOKING AT HER AND HIS VOICE IS SO QUIET AND SHAKY AHHHHHHHHH😭😭😭😭

THE SADNESS IN HIS FUCKING EYES WHEN HE LOOKS AT HERRRRRRR

OH MY FUCKING GOD

THE WAY HE REACHES OUT TO COMFORT HERRRRRRRRRRR

HE LOOKS SO GUILTY AND SAD AND I-😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE WAY HE JUST STANDS THERE AFTERWARD LIKE I KNOW THAT MAN IS CRYING

FUCK

I’M CRYING

SO FOR 2 YEARS JOEL THOUGHT ELLIE FUCKING HATED HIM??

BUT THEY MUST HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT RIGHT?? IF THEY WERE WATCHING MOVIES TOGETHER??

SO THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS FUCKED UP FOR 2 YEARS??

AND JOEL THOUGHT ELLIE WOULDN’T EVER FORGIVE HIM??

I KNOW THAT ENDING PORCH SCENE BUT LIKE HOW LONG BEFORE THAT???

I NEED TO KNOW

MY BELOVEDS😭😭😭

SEATTLE DAY 3

woooo😭

“the war the merrier. hey look joel. it’s your favorite.” I’M A PUDDLE ON THE FUCKING FLOOR ARE YOU JOKING

i found a card at least haha

uh oh dina’s not doin too hot

OH I FUCKIN FORGOT JESSE DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT DINA

WELP. DOES NOW

jesse is soooooooo attractive goddamn

i fucking love jesse

“you’ll be leaving some of them alive.” HE WANTS TO MAKE DAMN SURE WHERE ELLIE’S HEAD IS AT

i need to see a miller again i’m sad

i miss tommy

and joel😭

i like that jesse is being very straightforward about what they’re doing

jesse is a fucking amazing guy

from the way he talks about dina you can tell that he still really cares about her

ANUTHA CARD WOOOOO

am i gonna regret spending all of my upgrade parts? yeaaaaaa. but that’s a problem for future me to figure out lmao

ellie’s entry about not telling dina and jesse what joel did UGGHHHH

“do i understand?” 😭😭😭

we’re getting pretty close to the aquarium i am scared

BREAKING UP THE MOSS IN THE WATER IS SO COOL

I AM BLINKING HEAVILY IN SUPERNATURAL

ARE YOU FUCKIN FOR REAL RN LMAOOOOO

I’M SO THROWN OFF RN

“go team jackson” “fuck these motherfuckers” HER LITTLE JUMP TO HIGH FIVE HIM SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUP

I. LOVE. JESSE.

“i’m not into your type.” “what? asians?” and ellie going along w it LMAO this is just witty banter between 2 friends and it’s really refreshing after being alone for so long

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYY

this bookstore is giving me flashbacks to the first game

THE MUSHROOMS IN THE KIDS AREA💀

😭😭😭😭

THE NOTE ON THE BACK BETWEEN THE MOM AND KID TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY MISS SOMEONE SHUT UUUUP😭😭

it’s little things like this that can add SO MUCH to the environment i love them and adore them

the graphics are fucking insane

this all looks so real

the reflections in the water are B O N K E R S

so good

JESSE TALKING ABOUT DRINKING AND PLAYING BOARD GAMES WHEN THEY GET BACK😭😭😭😭😭😭

ya’ll this game is so gorgeous

and this storm comin in?? WOOOOOO it’s gonna get INTENSE

also according to the game i’ve played 21 hrs? which is kinda false bc i leave it paused for a long time whenever i go do something so that’s not entirely accurate but it’s still fairly close

SNIPER SPOTTED AT THE MARINA??? TOMMY????

“the best way to help tommy, is to go after abby.” THE WAY JESSE LOOKS AT HER LIKE “girl be fuckin for real”

ellie’s chompin at the bit bc she’s looking at a ticket for a straigh shot to the aquarium

but tommy is def more important atm

they are sending UNITS for ONE MAN

help your uncle ellie jesus

jesse looks pissed

“you do this, i’m not saving your ass again.” ELLIE WHEN DID YOU? JESSE came TO YOU in hillcrest??

elliiieeeeeeeeee abby can wait girl

jesse is not happy w her rn

WATER STEALTH WOOOOO

that was fun! i really like the silencer it’s a PHENOMENAL addition to the stealth gameplay

BOAT TIME

now who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to let ME drive a boat

naughty dog and i have a complicated history with water vehicles

YEA I’M LOOKIN AT YOU UNCHARTED 1

FUCK YOU AND YOUR JET SKI BULLSHIT

OH MY GOD THE ICE CREAM TRUCK😭

i like how ellie’s hair is really floppy now bc it’s fuckin soaked

ANUTHA CARD BABYYY

the thunder sounds so fuckin good the sound design for this game goes CRAZYY

NEW JOURNAL ENTRYYY WOOOO

“abby i begged you to stop. you brought this on yourself.” jesus ellie

SAFE COMBO WOOO

what the fuck does a bitch have to do to get fuckin tape around here jesus christ

A BITCH JUST FOUND SOME TAPE FUCK YEAAAAAA

oh my god. these letters to jules started back in the fucking subway where you fight a shambler for the first time

before the fucking theater… goddamn

he set out to find the seraphites and he sure fuckin did

holy shit

so if you are to be part of the seraphites, you shave your head, give yourself scars, and you’re given a new name.

holy fuckin shit this is CULTY

searching this derailed train is fuckin sick

another misha letter lmao

okay i am someone that HATES storms like i have so many bad memories and shit associated w storms

one too many close calls w a tornado will do that to you

so the level of tension is DOUBLED for me when going through these buildings on the boat and this music keeps crescendoing while this storm goes fuckin crazy

THAT’S A BLOATER

THAT’S A GODDAMN BLOATER

LONG TIME NO SEE

FUCK OFF PLEASE

THAT WAS SO FUCKIN SCARY

ANUTHA CARD BABYYYYYYY

oh my god

oh my god the ferris wheel is right fuckin there

I’M JUST GOING OUT INTO THE OCEAN???

SOME OF MY WORST FEARS ARE MIXING RN

THALASSOPHOBIA AND STORMS DO NOT MIX WELL

FUUUUUCK THE BOAT GOT SWEPT AWAY

EEWWWWWWWWW I HATE THIS

CLIMB ELLIE CLIMB

oh my god the fucking lightning behind the ferris wheel and ellie standing in the foreground, wind blowing her hair

IT’S RIGHT THERE

I’M SO SCARED

oh my god i’m at the doors to the fucking aquarium

THIS MUSIC IS SO INTENSE I’M GONNA THROW UP

THE FUCKING SHARK IN THE WINDOW JUMP SCARED ME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME UUUUGH

i’m in…

i fucking HATE this

i literally am so fucking scared of the ocean all of these exhibits that i’m having to go through are making me wanna scream and run the other direction dude

into the vents…

THE DOG

I’M SORRY TO THIS DOG AND ALL THE OTHERS AHHHHHHHH I’M SORRY

OH SHIT THIS IS ALL THEIR SLEEPING BAGS

OWEN’S TAGS OHHHHHHH SHIT

ellie is breathing SO HEAVILY

to be fair i am too jfc

the atmosphere is insane

OH MY GOD IT’S OWEN AND MEL

MEL LOOKS SO SCARED SHE’S LITERALLT SHAKING

FUUUUCK MAN

OH MY GOD ELLIE’S USING THE MAP TACTIC LIKE JOEL AND TOMMY

oh no. ohhhh no.

fuuuck owen saying “she’s pregnant.”

fuuuuck.

oh shit it’s tommy! and jesse!

but also FUCK

THE MAAAAP.

THE MAP.

THE FUCKING MAP.

GODDAMNIT

ENDING THAT SCENE W MEL’S BLOOD POOLING TOWARD THE MAP AND THEN CUTTING TO DINA????

FUUUUCK MAN. THAT’S GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE.

BUT ALSO, NO IT’S FUCKING NOT

the way ellie’s looking at her🥺

ELLIE MOVING AWAY WHILE DINA REACHES FOR HER 😭😭😭😭😭

FUCK AAWWWWFFFFFFFFF

awe dina took the sorority secrets book 🥹

WAIT. AM I ABOUT TO FIGHT ABBY?? WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

I’M SCARED

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

LIKE THAT SCENE FROM THE PUNISHER THAT’S ME RN

NO TOMMY’S GOING TO GRAB SOMETHING FROM THE MAIN ENTRANCE

THIS IS DEFINITELY IT

OHHHHH FUCK

I’M SCARED TOMMY COME BACK I JUST GOT YOU BACK PLEASE DON’T LEAVE

“my friend’s problems are my problems” I LOVE HIMMMMMM

“my friends can’t get out of their own damn way” HE’S SO- AHHHHHHHH

I LOVE JESSE

FUUUUUCK THERE WERE THUDS AND NOW THEY’RE RUNNING

FUUUCK OFF

jesse’s gone.

F U C K.

FUCK

AGAIN. I AM PART OF THE LAURA BAILEY FAN CLUB WHICH LIAM O’BRIEN IS THE PRESIDENT OF

SHE’S GIVING A PHENOMENAL PERFORMANCE

WITHOUT SEEING ABBY’S SIDE OF THE STORY YET, I’M PISSED AT HER. I DON’T LIKE HER.

BUT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO KNOW HER YET

SO WE’LL SEE

BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I WANNA HIT HER REAL FUCKIN HARD

THIS IS WHEN IT SWITCHES TO HER GAMEPLAY???

HUH????

FUUUUUUUUCK BRO.

RIGHT AFTER JESSE? AFTER JOEL? AS SHE JUST KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF TOMMY?

FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK

AGAIN, I LOVE AND ADORE LAURA BAILEY AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO

okay listen i’m not doing this bc i’m mad at the story or anything

but i’m ending my session for the day haha

i started at fuckin 11:25am and it is now midnight LMAO

there were many breaks in there but i still played A LOT today and i have a fuckin migraine so i’m gonna go the fuck to sleep

i’ll play tomorrow maybe but we’ll see

this post was hella long so if you made it all the way down here, bless you. i love you. i hope you are staying safe.

new episode tomorrow!!

[from-the-clouds]

ahhhhhhhh!!! thank you @althaiareads!

yes, i think like there's so much guilt and sadness there. for as much as you wants to cut yourself off completely from an abuser, particularly a parent, you are always going to feel that kind of pull whether you wants to or not, because they are a huge part of your life, and you are a part of them! it's much more complicated than just leaving and never looking back. especially cause she has a sibling. also please don't worry about projecting! i feel like there are parts of this that are relatable to everyone and while i'm sorry that you might know what some of these things feel like i am glad that there are parts that (hopefully) make you feel understood.

and yes, lol. her and her brother have a complicated relationship but i think he was her protector when there was no one else looking out for them and so they are sort of bonded together through that unfortunate experience and have both responded differently to the abuse as they have grown older.

AND I AM GENUINELY SO SORRY BUT IT HAD TO HAPPEN LIKE IT LITERALLY HAD TO!!!!

texas sun - joel miller x f!reader - vol. ix

series masterlist | series playlist | writing masterlist | previous chapter |

chapter summary: “When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.” - Richard Kadrey, Aloha from Hell. But maybe it's about to be. pairing: joel miller x f!reader words: 5.0k chapter warnings: HEAVY ANGST. Panic attacks. Referenced death of a parent. References to abusive/neglectful parents. Complicated sibling/familial relationships. Alcohol consumption, smoking. As always please dm if you have questions. a/n: I know it's annoying, but the thing about me is that I’m never able to write compelling things if I don’t include complex family/sibling relationships. Like I’m so obsessed with putting them in everything, even my stupid little love stories. But it does serve a purpose, I promise. There is an important character in this chapter….just saying.

**ALSO! I got rid of my taglist. Please follow @ftcwriting and turn on notifs if you would like to be notified when I update my works :) **

-September 15, 2003-

Joel can sense that something is off with you the minute you get home from work. 

For starters, your voice sounds a bit too syrupy-sweet when you come through your garage door, and chirp out ‘Hey!’ when you spot him sitting on the couch in your front room, your cat curled up on his lap. 

Just ten minutes earlier, he’d let himself in, using the spare key you’d given him and Sarah. Your house felt vacant, dark, and shockingly quiet without you there, and so he’d turned on the lights, put on a record, and washed the plate, two mugs, and a bowl that were sitting in your sink. 

Joel stirs, and Martini immediately jumps off his lap as though he’d personally offended him in some way. “Hey, darlin,” he stands, accepting your affectionate kiss on the cheek. “How was your day?” 

When you pretend you don’t hear him, that’s the second thing that tips him off. You turn to hang your messenger bag over the hook in your front closet. And then you flex your fingers like you’re trying to stretch them out, cracking your knuckles one at a time with your thumbs, and rolling your shoulders back before heading into the kitchen and gesturing for him to follow. 

“Do you…uh….do you want something?” you turn your head slightly, but not enough to meet his eyes. “Let me get you something.”

He follows after you tentatively, remaining silent until he figures out what's going on. Martini, who was walking underfoot, scatters out of the way as your heels click over the tile and retreats to a safe distance alongside Joel, who pauses to lean against the threshold. 

Even despite the clear tension in the room, he can’t help but check you out. Before, Joel wouldn’t say that he necessarily had a type, it still is a little shocking that he ended up with someone like you. 

Before you speak again, you retrieve two lowball glasses out of your cabinet along with a bottle of his favorite whiskey, and pour two drinks, turning to offer him one. He accepts it cautiously, and you nod at him before taking a long pull of your drink. 

“So uh,” you say. “There’s something I kind of need to talk to you about.” 

You take another sip and then unbutton your blazer, shimmying out of it and tossing it over a barstool. Pushing the sleeves of your blouse up to your wrists, you cross your arms and chew on your bottom lip, like you are trying to decide how to break some sort of horrible news to him. Joel prepares for the worst. He racks his brain for anything he could’ve done or said recently that might have upset you, maybe even scared you off. But he’s coming up with nothing. What could he have done? 

At this point, his parents even know about you, even if he hasn’t had the chance to introduce you. His mother tries, in her I’m-not-prying-but-I’m-definitely-prying type of way, to get more information out of him. She asks him questions like ‘Do you think she’s the one?’ and he doesn’t answer directly but it does make him think. He already knows you’re his one. He just wonders if he is yours.

It’s consistently been his fatal flaw. Joel falls hard, even when it’s not right. It’s how he has always been, and that’s how he ended up alone with Sarah in the first place. The very thought of you ending things makes him feel sick. He knows he’s in love with you, that he doesn’t want to look elsewhere. It’s becoming harder and harder to hold back. You’ve filled up all this space in his life that he didn’t even know existed. What is he going to do with it once you leave? 

“What’s going on?” Joel asks, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as pinched as his throat feels. 

“I should’ve told you this earlier,” you begin. “But….my dad has been sick the past few months.”

“Oh,” Joel says, but relaxes just a little, which feels a little selfish because it’s still unfortunate news. “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s going on?”

“It’s fine. I’m not really sure. Just…my brother called me today and apparently he’s taken a turn for the worse. The doctors…they think he doesn’t have that much time left. I…I need to go see him, I think. Before…” you don’t finish your sentence, you just shrug and look down. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah no, it’s fine, I’m fine,” you say dismissively. “I actually booked a redeye that leaves tomorrow night. I wanted to make sure I could still take Sarah to the office with me for her career day and everything, so you don’t have to worry about that. So yeah.” 

“Do you need to leave earlier?” He asks. “She can always come to work with me.”

“No, no…” you give a soft smile. “I made a commitment, and….I want her to see how boring my job really is.”

Joel wants to smile back at you, but he doesn’t. Because despite the jokes, when you meet his eyes for a second, they look so dull and desolate it feels like it’d be inappropriate. 

“I don’t know how long I’ll be,” Joel sets his glass down just as you pick up yours for another hearty gulp before continuing. “I got my company to approve me working remotely for two weeks. I don’t think it will be that long, but…I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Joel reaches out and rests a hand on your own.  “You should go be with your family. Sarah and I will be fine.” 

“I know that. I just…I don’t really want to go,” you say. “But I’ll feel bad for the rest of my life if I don’t…and at the very least, I need to be there for my brother. He’s closer with my dad than I am.” 

Bringing the glass back to your mouth, you take another sip – at this point, the drink is nearly gone. Joel steps behind you, because he can’t really hug you the way you are now, facing forward and bracing yourself on the countertop. “Come ‘ere,” he murmurs softly, pulling you back against his chest. For a second, you tense. It’s like you’re surprised, still, that all he wants to do is be gentle with you. Once you remember, he feels your body relax, and your head falls back to tuck under his chin, one of your hands clutches his arm that wraps across your collarbone. “I wish you could come with me,” you say. 

“Me too,” Joel says against the top of your head. He knows he can’t. Not with Sarah, and not with work being the way it has been. Unfortunately, the excuse probably wouldn’t go over well with the guys there. Not that he cares that much what they think, but he can’t jump ship right now. “But I’d have to find someone to look after Sarah….maybe I could ask my parents.”

“No,” you shake your head.  “No, no. I don’t want to put anyone out.”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s fine,” you insist. “Everything will be fine.” 

“Well at the very least, do you need me to take you to the airport?”

“You’d endure rush hour traffic for me?” you tilt your head back to look up at him. 

Joel laughs softly, leans down for a kiss. “That and more.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-September 17th, 2003-

The room you’re in is dark, but the lack of awareness of your surroundings seems to be the only thing keeping you from suffocating. You’re standing in your childhood bedroom, which doesn’t look much like it used to. It's a guest room now, but it never really felt like yours all the way, did it? You clutch at your stomach – you’ve been nauseous ever since your plane touched down at JFK – and reach towards your old dresser to steady yourself. 

The vanity that had once been scattered with trinkets and trophies and photos of childhood memories was now vacant – pristine and polished. You wondered if the items had been thrown out, or dumped in a box somewhere in your old closet. It almost doesn’t matter – you aren’t interested in digging up any more memories. The feeling of your fathers hand clasped around your own had done enough.

You inhale deeply, bracing yourself against the glass top as you try not to throw up or pass out. For some reason, you had underestimated what you were walking into, and hadn’t expected your body to react so….viscerally.  On the other side of the closed door, you hear your name, muffled from down the hall.

It’s hard to make out who it is, perhaps your stepmother, Meredith, or some other distant relative you hadn’t seen in years who had crawled out of the woodwork and now lingered in the apartment, hoping to get their piece. But you’ve locked yourself away. That’s what you had gotten so good at whilst living here. Hiding. 

Until the door opens, and you squint against the light that floods the room to find the only person who has always known where to find you. Your brother. 

“Hey. Ethan and Elizabeth are on their way up,” he says, then pauses. “Why are you standing in the dark?” 

The lightswitch clicks, and the harsh ceiling lamp illuminates, starting the fan up with it and causing you to shiver. Vincent is frowning, standing halfway into the doorframe, his brows pinched. 

You widen your eyes at him. Come on, don’t give me away yet. “Will you please turn that off?” 

Vincent rolls his eyes, but obeys, switches on your desk lamp instead and closes the door behind him. “Are you okay?” he asks, like he doesn’t already know that you aren’t.

“It was a lot…being in there with him,” you look at the floor. 

“Well, at least you know he still likes you. He’s not going to take you out of the will.”

It feels like a smack across the face, and your jaw drops. How could he be so oblivious to your pain, when he’s the only person in this house, in the world, maybe, who understands exactly how you are feeling right now. “Is that all you think I care about?”

“No, I-”

“I’m here because of you,” you say. “You wanted me here. So I came, and I shouldn’t have.” 

“Oh come on,” he says. “Don’t say shit like that.”

“I wish I wasn’t here,” you continue on, despite his wishes. “I wish I didn’t have to wait my entire life to hear him say those things.”

Vincent’s expression shifts. He had been in the room. He had heard it. Your dad had been so….sweet. Gentle. Whispering praises even though his eyes were closed. You had expected, had wanted cruelty. This was somehow worse. Maybe he had known what you wanted all along, held it over your head, and waited only until the end of his life to give it to you. Even his admission of love was somehow malicious. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop you from regretting everything you’d done to get away from him.

Just outside the door is the flight of stairs that leads to your father’s room. And suddenly you aren’t an adult. You feel as helpless and as scared as you did when you were just a little girl – looking up at him, the view of his figure obscured by your brother’s shoulder. 

“God, it’s so fucked up.” you choke out. 

Vincent steps forward wordlessly, pulls you into a hug, and it’s only after you hear a quiet sob leave him that you let your own tears fall. There’s nothing either of you can say to fix the damage that has been done, so all you can do is cling to each other and cry. 

“I know it’s fucked up,” he says. “I know. Maybe I should’ve….I could’ve done more.” 

You pull back, relieved to see your tears didn’t ruin his cashmere sweater. “What could you have done?” you ask, dejectedly. “We were kids.” 

Vincent doesn’t know how to answer that, but he wipes his nose with the back of his hand, and looks at the ground a moment before lifting his head. “We’ve got each other.” 

But that’s hardly true anymore, and he knows it. You’ll always resent each other for different reasons – he had adapted to the circumstances, and you had left them. Neither strategy did anything to fix the damage. 

You’re still weeping, but softer now, face wet with tears that fall everytime you blink. Swiping under your eyes, you sigh and attempt to compose yourself. 

“Come on,” Vincent says. “Say hi to Ethan and Elizabeth. Dad is stable for the time being. We can take a walk or something. Get some fresh air.” 

“Okay,” you agree. “I’ll be out in a second. I have to get my shit together.”

After he leaves, you check your makeup in the vanity, wiping away some smudged mascara before following him out. When you enter the front room, still sniffling, you pray that you don’t have a run-in with any other family members. But the only person you see besides Vincent is your sister-in-law coming through the door. 

Elizabeth’s face is pinched in concentration as she tries to wrangle your nephew out of his coat. “What up, champ?” Vincent holds a hand out for a high five, just in time for her to free Ethan’s arms so he can reach towards his father, who stoops to accept his hug. 

“Hi, Daddy.” 

Elizabeth steps back and makes eye contact with you as you approach. In the past, you pitied her for the decision to marry into your family and then go on to have children with your brother. She was a little too good for him. But now, you feel like that was kind of a callous way of looking at things. You wonder if your brother would feel the same way about Joel for getting mixed up with you. Fortunately, Joel is still a well-kept secret. 

“Hey, it’s good to see you,” Elizabeth says. “I’m so sorry it’s under these circumstances.”

“It’s alright,” you accept her hug and return her kiss on the cheek. “It’s good to see you, too.”

She looks down at her son. “Honey, do you remember your aunt?”

“Hey, Ethan,” you crouch alongside your brother, and he nods, but still side-steps closer to his dad and smiles over at you bashfully. “How are you doing?” 

“Good.” 

“Don’t be shy,” Vincent encourages, but your nephew doesn’t seem interested in your attempt at an embrace, so you let them drop by your side. 

“It’s okay,” you stand up, feeling a fresh batch of tears threatening their way to your waterline. Ethan’s treating you like a stranger because you basically are one. 

“You’ve met a lot of new people the last few days, haven't you?” Elizabeth asks, then looks over at you. “He might be a little overwhelmed. He’ll warm up.” 

Vincent stands at the sight of you starting to cry. “I am going to take her to get some air,” your brother puts a hand on your shoulder, speaking about you as if you are not in the room with them. You feel so useless, you might as well not be.

“That sounds good,” Elizabeth says. “We can catch up later. I ought to say hello to Meredith.” 

You both nod, stepping into the hallway. 

The fresh air helps, even if you can’t go far from the apartment. You walk around the block in silence, which gives you a chance to compose yourself. It’s a surprisingly warm day, although it’s much colder in New York than it is in Austin this time of year. In early fall, the leaves have only just begun turning. 

You’re about to turn the corner to the stretch of sidewalk that leads back home, when Vincent plops himself down on a bench without warning. He fishes through the front pocket of his jacket and retrieves a flask. 

“Jesus, Vincent,” you mutter under your breath. “Right now?”

“Uhm, yeah,” he answers. When you scoff, he continues, rolling his eyes. “Oh, get off your high horse. It’s just a little.”

“Aren’t you sad?”

“Of course I’m fucking sad,” he defends. “But I go to therapy now, so….I’m better at processing.”

“Yeah?” you gesture towards the flask. “Is that what this is called?”

“No. But it is the only way I can deal with Meredith.”

“You’re insane,” you say, but can already feel your exasperation fading. In your absence, he’s been dealing with all this alone. “Give me that.” Reaching forward towards the flask, he jerks his hand away just before you make contact. 

“I’m not sharing.”

You pout at him. Come on. He rolls his eyes and passes it over. “Fine.” 

While you take a sip, he produces a pack of cigarettes and plucks one out of the carton. “You don’t smoke these anymore, do you?” 

“Not really. But I still have not managed to kick the weed habit.”

“Well I’m jealous,” he says, lighting it. “Now that Elizabeth and Ethan live with me again, I really have had to get my shit together.”

I’m sure you’ll fuck it up soon enough, you’re primed to say, but even as a joke, you feel like it’s a little too mean. It’s okay to let this be a nice moment. 

“You know, if you wanted,” he says. “You could stay here for a couple months. I can get you set up with a place in the city. It might be good to be home…after…” You do your best to ignore his reference to the inevitable storm that hangs over your heads.

Any other time, and the offer might tempt you. This is your home, always would be, and you will always feel called to it. If you came back, all your family and childhood friends would be here. And without your father, things may be different. But now you have other priorities. “I can’t do that,” you shake your head. 

“Why not?” He asks. You sit down on the bench, swipe the pack of cigarettes from where they sit between you, and take one for yourself. “Didn’t you say you were approved to work remotely?”

“No, it’s not that,” you light the cigarette and take a pull, coughing when you inhale too deeply. It’s not a joint. “I actually….met someone.”

Vincent frowns like he doesn’t believe you. “Really?”

“Yeah….he’s actually my next door neighbor.”

“Oh, you managed to wrangle a fucking cowboy-”

“How many times have I told you? I don’t live on a farm. You know what? Nevermind,” you roll your eyes, shake your head. “Forget I mentioned it..” 

“Relax, I’m joking. Always so emotional-”

“Emotional? Emotional?” you ask. “Remind me which one of us was the one who had to be sent to a-” 

Vincent’s eyes roll back, and his head tilts with them. “Oh, here we go.”

“It’s not a joke to me,” you say, desperate to end the argument, and it actually works. 

“So is this….serious?” 

You shake your head. “I mean, I…I think I’m in love.” It’s not as insane to say out loud as you had expected.

“I didn’t think you cared about that sort of thing.”

“I didn’t either. But…I don’t know. It just sort of happened.” 

“What’s his name?”

“Joel,” you say. “He’s got a daughter, Sarah…she’s sweet. So is he…hardworking, thoughtful, kind….” you trail off, and veer away from becoming too sincere.  “In other words, he’d fucking hate you.” 

“Yeah, you know I repel the honest type.”

“No,” you correct him. “I actually think you’d get along. And you’d like Sarah. She’s funny.”

“I’m sure you’re a great influence on her,” he quips, sarcastically. 

“I’m good with kids. I’ve always been a good aunt to Ethan?” you insist. “....when he knows who I am, at least.”

Vincent chuckles. “He knows who you are, he’s just in a shy phase. That or I’ve already fucked him up.” 

You’ve heard some variation of the same from Joel while talking about Sarah, and it makes you smile, just a little, and wonder how terrifying it must be to have a child of your own. 

“You couldn’t,” you tease. “Elizabeth wouldn’t allow it.”

He nods as if you’ve made a good point. “So that’s it? You’re really never coming home?”

“I mean, never say never,” you say. “At the very least, I should probably visit more often. I could bring them sometime to meet everyone. We could try to be a normal family.” 

He wrinkles his nose. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Only your brother could find a way to make you laugh even under such dire circumstances. For a while, you’re quiet, and then you speak up again. “Being in love….it’s fucking scary.”

“That’s part of it,” he says. You sigh, shake your head, and put out your cigarette. “I’m happy for you,” he says, after a while. 

“Thanks,” you smile. “I’m happy for you, too.” 

Despite the fact that your stomach still hurts, you’re sleep deprived from the flight, and your father is standing at death’s door, you are thankful for what feels like a huge step forward. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-September 19, 2003-

Joel’s hand stretches out to stop whatever thing is ringing in his ear at such an ungodly hour. His phone. He doesn’t even think, just answers it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registers it might be important.

“Hello?” he grumbles. 

“Hey,” He can tell instantly that something is wrong. “I’m sorry, did I wake you? I didn’t check the time.”

Joel looks at the clock. It’s six in the morning for you, and he’s never known you to be an early riser. He already knows what you’re going to tell him, but he asks anyway. “Yes but it’s alright. Are you okay?” 

“My dad is gone.” 

“Oh, baby,” he says softly. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you say, shockingly stoic. “It will be okay. I just, I wanted you to know I’ll be staying longer than I thought. I’ve got to help my-” you clear your throat. “I’ve got to help Vincent with the arrangements and then my dad wanted his ashes scattered somewhere in Colorado. It’s where he grew up, so I’ll probably go there before I fly back, and-” You keep rambling, and Joel cuts you off. 

“Hey that’s fine, that’s okay. Don’t you worry about that.”

“Yeah, but I’m gonna miss your birthday,” you say. “I had this whole thing planned where I was gonna take you and Sarah out to dinner, and it was gonna be really nice and-” 

“We can celebrate another time,” Joel insists. “It’s okay. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you say, so quick it sounds like a reflex. “I knew it was going to happen, so...” 

“Are you sure?” He doesn’t want to push you, but it’s very clear you’re holding something back. 

“Yeah, I…” you trail off. “I don’t know.”

Joel doesn’t answer right away, just gives you a little space to process. The silence is excruciating, and lasts so long that he wonders if you’ve hung up. But eventually, you speak again.

“I don’t….I don’t feel anything,” your voice breaks, all strained and choked and horrible. “I feel like I should.” You’re hundreds of miles away, and Joel has never felt so helpless. “Something….something is really wrong with me. I can’t-” 

“Babygirl,” he hears himself say, doing everything he can to calm you down. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

He hears you take in a sharp, staggered inhale on the other line, struggling to catch your breath. “I wish you were here with me.”

Me too, I wish I was too. He wants to say, but all he feels is panic, tight around his throat. He feels like if he can’t get to you, something horrible will happen. What had he been thinking, letting you walk into this alone? Things must have been worse than you had let on. “Maybe I can try to figure something out.”

But almost as quickly as you lose control of yourself, he hears you clear your throat, a hard swallow. “It’s….it’s…it will all be fine. I will be okay, sorry, I just…” Joel can’t tell if you’re answering him, or if you’re talking to yourself. 

Joel knows the routine pretty well at this point, each time you show any sort of vulnerability, you immediately pull back – like there’s some invisible boundary you’ve crossed that snaps you back into place if you test it. He’d be able to actually help you if he was there. In some ways, you being so open with him, but only over the phone….makes sense. It’s just another way to avoid him.  He won’t resent you for it, but it doesn’t make him hurt any less. 

“What can I do?” Joel asks. “I’m worried about you.” 

“I’ll be fine, Joel. I promise,” you sniffle, clearing your throat, pulling yourself together. “I’ll be home soon and everything can just…go back to normal.” 

“Yes, it will,” he says. “You’ll get through this. And you’ll come home to Sarah and I. I’ll have a martini and a back rub waiting for you the second you walk in the door. 

“God,” you say. “You’re so hot.”

Joel chuckles, relieved to hear your smile. 

“You know,” your breathing steadies. “I would like you and Sarah to come out here. Not now. But another time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you say. “I was thinking about it. My brother has plenty of room. We could crash here, and you could meet everyone. I mean, Vincent comes across as like….such an fucking asshole, really, truly…but I don’t know. I think ultimately you’ll get along.”

“I’m sure we will,” Joel breathes softly. 

“You just have to promise you won’t leave me if you don’t.”

“That wouldn’t make me leave you.” It’s you I love. He’s not going to tell you that over the phone. So he settles. “You are what I care about.”

“I feel the same,” you say softly. 

You’re silent for a spell. 

“I probably should go and eat something. I’ve felt awful for like three days straight and I finally have an appetite. And there’s really no problem that can’t be solved by a bodega sandwich.”

Joel chuckles. “I’m sure you’ll feel better if you eat something.” 

“I will call you later, okay?” you say. “Thank you, Joel. I miss you, and I’ll see you soon.”

“I miss you too,” he murmurs. “I’ll see you soon.”

See you soon. For the next few days, everytime you call each other, every conversation ends with the same promise. Neither of you are aware it’s one you can’t keep. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-September 26th, 2003-

Joel sits in the front seat of Tommy’s car, and tries to hide the fact that his hands are shaking. There’s blood spattered on the front of his shirt, blood that didn’t belong to him. He’s done a lot of things to protect Sarah. To protect his family. He’d used that turn of phrase, that he’d kill for them, in passing, but never actually thought he’d have to do it. He did. He did. And he’s suddenly scared of what else he might be capable of. 

He does not want this burden, to be a protector, but he has no choice. It has been his entire life. First an older brother. Then, a father. It’s worth more than his own peace, than his own life. He would sacrifice that every time if it kept his family safe. 

And you, too.

He’s only just now looking down at his phone, trying to block out the noise of the voices on the radio that cut in and out of static. And it’s not because it’s broken. The world he knows is crumbling, he’s freefalling towards the earth, and he’s gotta grab the only things that matter or they will perish upon impact. 

Sarah says your name from behind him. “Do you think she’s okay?” 

It’s the first minute he’s had to think since he arrived at the prison to bail out Tommy. He has several missed calls from you and one voicemail. He doesn’t even think to listen, just immediately tries to call you back. 

“I don’t know, babygirl.” The phone doesn’t even ring. Sarah’s hand falls to his shoulder and he squeezes it tightly, hoping she can’t feel that it’s still trembling. Joel has no cell service, and none of the calls are going through even after trying several times over.

Joel looks down at his watch to see what time it is. It’s working now, thanks to Sarah, who had told him that she’d got it fixed at a place you had recommended before you left. It’s delusional, but he hopes maybe this isn’t happening in Colorado. You’d called him this morning to wish him a happy birthday, things had been fine then. How could it all fall apart so quickly?

He accepts that he can’t reach you, and listens to the voicemail you’ve left.

“Hey Joel, I….something is going on here. I don’t know if it’s happening everywhere. People are sick. It’s….it’s…If I don’t see you again I hope I- I want you to know that I love you. Okay? You and Sarah. Thank you, Joel. Please…please stay safe.”

I love you, too. Why didn’t he just say it when he had the opportunity to? What had he been thinking?

Joel tells himself that this is not the end. Things will settle, even if it takes time, and you will keep yourself safe. You won’t get sick. All the promises you made to each other will be kept. Even as he tells himself this, he knows it’s probably a lie.

Still, he indulges. Things will go back to normal. As long as he keeps himself safe, he’ll find his way back to you again. It’s just a matter of time. 

But his hope for the future, for anything else, dies an hour later.

-

-

-

[sam-da-sloth]

I just finished Earthspark and OH MY GOSHGFHHBBNNHH. I loved it. I require more. Give me my precious content, or there will be problems.

My honest review of Earthspark.

~~~~~~~~~~~SPOILERS~~~~~~~~~~

Things I loved:

Steve Blum.

Megatron calling Twitch ‘Little Bird’ absolutely melted my heart because, next to him, she is sooooooo tiny! It’s adorable.

Buddy McSnarly. Buddy envisions everything I aim for in life.

Dot and Megatron’s dynamic was beautiful. They were so cool together. I love the fact that even though Dot is a human he laughs with her and treats her like a friend. If I don’t get a whole lot more of them in the next season there will be problems.

The fact that they only draw attention to Dot’s prosthetic once and it’s when she’s telling the bad guy that she was harmed by the war too, is awesome. It shows her not letting it get in the way of her day-to-day life. She fights giant alien robots like a badass. We need more characters like her in modern media, people with disabilities that have normal lives. I love the way she was portrayed.

Swindle was awesome. I loved tfa swindle and I think tfe Swindle is my second favorite portrayal of him.

Twitch’s swords were awesome.

Nightshade. REPRESENTATION BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. FUCK. YEAH. I have wanted a non-binary transformer since I first got into transformers and my wish was finally granted. I love Nightshade and they better have an important roll or I will throw hands.

The fact that Megatron seemed to have better morals then Optimus, intrigued me.

Steve Blum. (part 2: electric boogaloo)

Lazerbeak was adorable and I want to hug him.

Soundwave looked awesome. (Flat Fuck Friday)

The main cast of humans wasn’t just white with a black person thrown in so they could say they have a diverse cast.

Hashtag calling herself Sparkplug and then saying they want revenge on Skywarp because and i quote: “We used to be roommates (insert picture of Hashtag and Skywarp on a bunk bed) in the bad guy academy (insert picture of them staring into each other’s eyes blushing and holding each other.) The fact that Skywarp uses she/her pronouns makes this even better because it means: Imaginary Lesbian Relationship.

Episode III: Return of the Blum

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things I disliked:

The fact that the smoke and fire were 2d while everything else was 3d bugged me immensely.

Mo’s head and eyes seemed like they were twice as big as everyone else’s was kinda weird but that’s probably just me nitpicking.

Starscream showed up for less than 10 seconds. For 5 seconds he was just a silhouette and it lit him up, he did and evil laugh and then the episode was over. W H Y. WHY MUST THEY TORTURE US WITH FALSE HOPE. I NEED STARSCREAM CONTENT. AHHHHHHHH- (in all seriousness I can’t wait for more Steve Blum as Starscream. He did an amazing job in tfp and I can’t wait to see what he does now.)

All-in-all Earthspark was awesome and I can’t wait for more content.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x8 thoughts

I am so lucky that the creators of Ted Lasso decided to make this entire show specifically for me. #blessed

If last week felt like a bit of breathing room (albeit tense, poignant, character-progressing breathing room) with distinct narrative lines, this week’s episode was a chaotic yet tightly-written swirl of pain and hope and sadness! No neat subject headers for this one, y’all. Just my brain and heart in the inadequate form of a bulleted list. It is the medium available to me at this time.

I am going to remember the moment when Ted calls Sharon and tells her his father killed himself for the rest of my life.

(I could say a bunch of stuff about his face and what he says and how he tries to hide his tears from Beard right after and how insanely much I adore this character and ahhhhhhhh but I’m just going to leave that scene there in our collective memories.)

Jamie. JAMIE. Higgins has given some great advice about love on this show, but his musings about his up-and-down relationship with his own father were not helpful in the context of Jamie’s dad, who is an abusive piece of shit. I really adore that all of the main AFC Richmond staff members are realistically a bit hit-or-miss with their advice and life philosophies (some are mostly miss this season, of course).

And I am completely in awe of the moment when Jamie punches his father. The way he just stands there after Beard kicks his dad out of the locker room. The way you can hear a pin drop. And Roy—Roy who is learning in so many areas of his life about his influence on people, learning that the things he needs aren’t necessarily the same as the things other people need—is the one to cross the room and hug him. Hold him, really, with the tenderness Ted used when he hugged Rebecca outside the gala in 1x4. God.

I’ve thought a lot about how s1 was about giving people a soft place to land. There’s always an angel there when you need one. There’s always an opportunity to be kind. If you look for someone, you find them. If you look for the good in someone, you find the good. And as everyone works through their individual journeys in s2, that can’t always be the case anymore. But there are still so many moments of angels on this show, and it’s not about chance and serendipity and fate [not that it was about that in s1] but about the effort it takes to become someone who can be there for someone else. Or who can be there for yourself. I’m so proud of Jamie for physically fighting back against his father. I’m so proud of Roy for being the one who recognized what Jamie needed.

I have every feeling in the world about how Ted is almost totally frozen both times (s1 and s2) he witnesses Jamie’s father abusing him. In s1, he was still there for Jamie after, and I have every reason to believe he’ll be there for Jamie after this incident as well, but that frozen stance HURTS. He’s in so deep with his pain about his own father that it’s like he physically cannot snap out of it to act in the moment. It seems entirely outside of his control, and it breaks my heart, because Ted wants so badly to be a good father, a good coach, a good friend, a good partner, a good patient. He’s there for people in all kinds of ways, even in his current less-than-capable state. He takes care of Sharon post-concussion and even gets her a new bike! During the disastrous match at Wembley his coaching is ineffectual and everything is chaos but he’s the last one standing on the pitch! But this really awful thing keeps happening to Jamie and Ted is just…frozen in the face of it. Like one of those nightmares where you’re running in place.

The frozen-in-place nightmare also kind of applies to the way the total separation between Ted and Rebecca feels, too. I have never for a moment doubted the writers’ intentions in setting these characters up as soulmates on parallel journeys, and I’m actually really digging (on a story level) how disconnected they are right now. It is IMPRESSIVE that their absence in each other’s lives feels like such a glaring loss, one we cannot forget even as there are so many other things happening onscreen. It is 100% not just shipper goggles making me process information about Ted while thinking about Rebecca and information about Rebecca while thinking about Ted. I know there are a lot of really angry and frustrated people in the fandom right now (both T/R shippers and T/R antis and non-shipping fans who don’t get why s2 is different from s1) and while I understand being frustrated by choices characters make, and frustrated by the feelings the show makes us feel that we just want to feel more of or less of, I continue to agree with pretty much every narrative choice happening right now.

Agreeing with the narrative like this?! This is such a unique experience for me as a viewer—to feel like I’m on a ride that is at once absolutely wild and incredibly sensible and well-crafted, and to feel simultaneously completely invested and anticipatory and speculative but also totally willing to trust where it goes. I long for Ted and Beard to really talk. I long for Ted and Rebecca to stop missing each other. I long for Roy to have a serious conversation with Ted about what’s happening with him. I long for Keeley to find a vocation, something that drives her beyond her projects. I long for so many things! But I wouldn’t long for them if this show was less good. If the show was less good, I wouldn’t have a wish list a mile long because I wouldn’t be so attuned to the details and potential lurking in every scene. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SHOW, I CANNOT HANDLE IT, I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(To that end, a great deal of the Ted Lasso tag and so many Twitter reactions reactions to the show feel super stressful right now and I am kind of just trying not to look?! I love this fandom so much because of the amazing conversations that happen and because of brilliant fic and because there are some awesome people I never would have encountered were it not for this show. That little bubble is wonderful and I’d stay in this fandom no matter what in order to keep experiencing those things. But fans’ catastrophic reactions to every little thing that happens, every little choice a character makes that isn’t the “perfect” choice? The takeaway that the writers—on this show of all shows—wake up in the morning ready for another day of torturing shippers rather than another day of writing a beautiful story they genuinely want to write? I do not enjoy those parts at all. I would like to opt out of those parts. I’m having such a magical experience watching this show and talking about this show and listening about this show and writing about this show with a variety of people who feel all kinds of ways. I truly wish I could somehow transfer the energy of this experience onto all the people who are hating it right now. I don’t mind at all that people are having vastly different reactions to this show and are sharing their honest feelings, including the really angry ones (I can appreciate something and disagree with it!), and I get that sometimes the language of fannish reactions is intentionally, ironically hyperbolic. But there feels like this very serious trend of people legitimately thinking writers on this show are targeting shippers and have lost respect for their characters, and I just feel like an alien from another planet when I see that stuff. I guess I just feel like people make art because they want their art to be visible to other people and to themselves, but that doesn’t typically involve specifically catering to or torturing a subset of that audience?)

I am more fascinated by Sharon Fieldstone than ever before. I have been running through every single action with her and Ted so many times. The confirmation that she’s living in club-provided housing (that could not look more different from Ted’s club-provided flat). Ted clearly noticing the many bottles. Sharon’s face while she tries to casually recycle them. (Sharon could legitimately have a more problematic relationship with alcohol than Ted does, and I find that extremely interesting and am very curious to find out what happens there.) Sharon leaving him voice notes while she’s concussed, probably because she’d been thinking about him shortly before the accident. The way Ted calls her and does all the funny voices and it’s not frustrating like all the times he uses his silliness and allusions to deflect during their prior conversations because this time, those behaviors are just a part of him showing care for another person. The way they stretch each other, and Ted is still wrong about the things he’s been wrong about, but they both grow all the same.

While it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that this show would include an actual romantic relationship between Ted and Sharon (it would be beyond unethical even if they could write it well, and Sharon in particular is so professional and committed to her work, and it would erase so much of the powerful message about the importance of seeking therapy from a professional who is not your friend or partner, and I would totally hate it), watching this episode was the first moment I had this queasy little feeling that it’s possible that Ted could end up developing really complicated feelings about Sharon since, at this point, he’s been honest with her about things he’s hardly spoken about before and you can really form an attachment to people you feel safe with in a new way. (I mean, I’m sure Michelle knows what happened with Ted’s father, but I’m not even certain if Beard does.) He’s so broken right now, and Sharon is such a great person and so different from anyone else in his life (even though Rebecca is also different, and Beard is also different, and Roy is also different, and so on), that I could see things getting really fuzzy for him. I continue to have faith in the way the storylines on this show are handled. I’m just. Putting this here.

(In saying that, though, I also wanna make it really clear that I don’t just automatically assume anytime a new female character is introduced that they’re going to end up becoming a romantic complication. Like, Phoebe is allowed to have a teacher who is an attractive woman and AFC Richmond is allowed to have a sports psychologist who is an attractive woman and Keeley is allowed to talk to Jamie Tartt without it threatening what she has with Roy and all these people can exist as human beings without the introduction of romantic drama.)

Isaac gives every player one haircut per season, OH MY GOD. The JOY during the haircut scene. YES.

KEELEY AND REBECCA. Their text thread. The affirming video call right before Rebecca goes into the restaurant. The way Keeley sits all snuggled up against Rebecca in her office.

I was pretty thoroughly spoiled for the Sam and Rebecca plot through 2x8, and I was bracing for something far more problematic and tortured than what happens in this episode. The words I would use to describe their scenes: awkward, cute, cringy, and understandable. There are a million reasons why this relationship isn’t sustainable, but I felt completely understanding of both their choices here. This show has a lot of thesis statements, but I keep going back to the idea from 2x1 that there are people who enter your life to help you get to the next point, and I think it’s entirely possible that Sam and Rebecca will mutually be that for each other.

I find comparisons between Rupert and Rebecca super upsetting. There are absolutely meaningful things to say about the irony of ending up in a situation with an uncomfortable resemblance to certain taboo elements of an ex’s situation. But that ex is abusive and manipulative and cruel and Rebecca has exhibited NONE of those behaviors, and it makes me really sad to think that people feel that the writers on this show have betrayed Rebecca in giving her this storyline.

As always, I reserve the right to keep blathering about this show. I’ve had a headache for a couple of days, but my head is also so full of 2x8 thoughts that I couldn’t keep them in even if the circumstances for writing this were not ideal. I kind of hate that I’ve included frustrated fandom thoughts within the analysis of what I felt was an absolutely gorgeous, complicated, heartbreaking, near-perfect episode of television, but if ya can’t be a little dramatic on your own tumblr while you’re feeling raw and under the weather, where can ya?

[skylarmoon71]

Raphael x Parker Reader- Chapter 6 (TMNT 2014/2016)

The small breakdown that you shared with May, it’s what you needed. Of course after your little ‘fight’ with Faith, you were suspended for two weeks. You spent every day since then making up for neglecting the most important person you had in your life. Aunt May. Talking with her and clearing the air, it helped get you back on track, not only that, but you now had a new purpose. With all you could do, there was no way you were just going to sit back anymore.

If losing Ben taught you anything, it was if you had the power to help, and you don’t, then it makes you no better than the ones causing pain.

You were going to help people. As soon as you figured out exactly what you were capable of. Hence, the reason you were at the top of this building.

“Spiders have webs, that means I must have it too. But where?” you’d been at this for days.

Legs? No. Mouth, that was just disgusting.

“Where are you stupid web!” you yell frustrated. You threw your hands up and you nearly fell off when you saw the intricate strings pitch out from the ball of your palm.

“Holy crap..This is awesome!!” your scream attracted a few stares and you ducked, laughing to yourself. “Should probably be careful about that. “ Turning in the opposite direction, your eyes zeroed in on the billboard. It looked pretty far away, and even though you were stronger now, falling from such a height would still hurt.

“What do you have to lose Parker, you got this. “ Rubbing your hands together, you kept your eyes on the board.

“Can’t be that hard, let’s go again.”

Flexing your palm. The web shot out again. The first one sort of puttered out halfway.

“Maybe a bit more.” Flexing your wrist, you locked onto your target, this time when the web left your palm, it actually stuck on. “Yes!!” you cheered, gripping the other side of it with your free hand. Stepping on the ledge now suddenly felt a bit daunting.

“Come on, you fell out of a twenty story building, this should be a piece of cake.” Didn’t stop your heart from hammering though. Taking a deep breath, you exhaled.

“Here goes nothing. GeroniMOOOOOOO!!!! AHHHHHHHH!” your screams echoed as you went hurtling all the way down past the buildings. You really should have planned it better, because your body went smack dab in the center of the billboard. Bouncing back, you fell right onto the concrete roof just below with a pained grunt.

“Ow..”

So maybe you needed a bit more practice on that front. No sweat.

~~~~~

“(Y/N), could you get the door sweetie.”

“Sure thing Aunt May.” you were a bit curious about who it was. Opening the door, the red head of hair and impish smile took you a bit off guard.

“Milo..”

“Hey (Y/N).”

“Who is it Honey?”

“J-Just a telemarketer.” you spoke hurriedly stepping out the door. You frowned.

“What are you doing here?” He was the last person you wanted to see.

“I know you’re mad, and you have a right to be. What faith said to you was cruel and unacceptable and I just wanted to say sorry. “

You knew he was being sincere, the look in his eyes said it all.

“Why are you with her?” his brows furrowed. The question wasn’t an attack on his relationship, more his character.

“Milo, you’re a nice guy. I know that, but you can’t be both ways. You more than anyone should know how high school works. You and I, I can’t see any scenario where we’d be friends. You can be empathetic and treat the nerds like their actual people, but at the end of the day, you're just like all those other guys. They date the meanest girl in school just because she has a pretty face and nice rack. Then you chat it up with the outcast, it helps to make your image look good right?”

“It’s not like that I just-”

“You just what? Felt sorry for me? I was fine before, being invisible. But when you started talking to me, you had to have known Faith would react that way, she’s your girlfriend. “ He looked away, and you knew right then that all you were saying was right.

“You aren’t a terrible person Milo, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just advising that it’s only a matter of time before you become just like the rest of them. As for whatever the reason is you keep hanging around me, I want no part of it. I don’t need Faith’s or your validation to prove that I’m important.”

You realized that before, you felt like you mattered just because the school’s heartthrob was talking to you. It was foolish to let your self worth be dependent on someone else’s existence.

Maybe your little speech was getting through to him, who knows.

“Anyway, I appreciate the apology nonetheless." Moving back for the door, you managed one step before a hand gripped your wrist.

“I broke up with her.” You opened your mouth to respond to his statement, but you weren’t sure what to say to that. Why was he even telling you this?

“Everything you said, you’re right. I guess I was naive to think I could be both right.” He was smiling at you in a way that had you a bit uneasy. Where exactly was he going with this?

“Thing is, deep down I knew why I was with Faith, just thought if I denied it long enough, it wouldn’t be true. Then I started talking to this cute smart girl in chemistry and I just..it made me forget about everything else. We've known each other for years, yet it feels like this is the first time I've truly seen you. And that's my fault.“

You took a step back, stunned, and he moved forward, backing you against the door. No amount of medication could have conjured up this hallucination. Was it possible you’d hit your head a bit harder than you thought on that billboard.

“He’s messing with me.”

He had to be. With him now towering your body, you felt like you lost all your composure.

“I know that I blew my chance of there being anything between us, but I’d really like to be your friend (Y/N).’ How could he say that when he was looking at you with so much care. Friends didn’t look at each other the way he was now gazing at you.

“I...I..” Lack of speech now of all times really was a bummer. He wore a weak smile, gaze staying locked for a few more seconds before he stepped back.

“I’ll give you some time to think about it. If you really decide that you don’t want the hassle, then I promise I won’t bother you again. But I’d appreciate it if you just considered it.”

Still pressed to the door, you merely stared, unmoving.

“See you at school (Y/N).”

With a wave, he left, and you watched as he hopped into his car, taking off down the street. Your body took a full minute to process what just happened. Your heart was beating at an unhealthy speed.

“Aw shit!”

Just when you thought life was about to be smooth sailings.

Great.

[sirmacintosh]

Hello, I just found your blog, and your Robb&Margaery AU really piqued my interest! So many questions I don't even know where to start. Like, how did the two even get to know each other? What kind of relationship they have? What are their roles as political figures? I also love the design of their children, the girls are so beautiful! How old are they? What kind of personalities do the kids have? What are their struggles? Is the family popular? What of their aunts and uncles? Thanks in advance!

Ahhhhhhhh! Hi Hello Welcome I'm about to dump so much info on you

So the name of the AU is called the Stark Legacy AU, I'm basically taking the narrative and asking the question "What if Ned Stark had been just slightly more invested in the Game" and going from there.

Robb and Marg meet when Marg, against the wishes of her father but with the blessing of her grandmother, takes a host of Tyrell soldiers and joins the army of the North as they battle in the riverlands, before Robb is crowned King. ((here's an old drabble I did on my old art blog)) At the time, Marg isn't interested in Romancing Robb and but as the war continues and she becomes a trusted advisor, they start to fall for each other.

In the end they get married and Marg is crowned Queen in the North and together they rebuild the North after the War for the Iron Throne and the War for the Dawn. Marg introduces a Court at Winterfell, one that is more akin to Queen Alysanne's Court than the one in King's Landing, as well as champions Northern craftsmen and artisans. Northern trade flourishes under her shrewd eye while Robb's strong sense of justice keeps the peace between Houses and the former Wildlings that settle in the New Gift.

The Children are a terror you could say. Rumors swirl around the North that this new generation of Starks rival the Targaryens in their beauty and wits.

The oldest is Crown Princess Lyarra, named for her paternal great grandmother She is people oriented like her mother but sometimes struggles with an ego, always believing herself to be right and rarely letting others know her true feelings. She is fiercely protective of her younger siblings and a perfectionist, always needing her appearance to be just right. She has the Stark look and is 16 in the portrait and wearing the a dress that was a gift from House Manderly whose heir she most definitely does not fancy thank you very much.

Next is Princess Alysanne. Much like Aunt Sansa she is lady who loves stories, songs, and sweets. She likes to sing in the godswood with a rosewood harp, gifted to her by Uncle WIllas, and enjoys hawking with her ladies and Aunt Arya. She is closest of the siblings with her various aunts and uncles and frequently visits Highgarden, the Wolf Fort (formerly the Dreadfort where Sansa lives), and Riverrun. Despite her sweetness she has the shortest temper of all the siblings as wont hesitate to give someone a tongue lashing. She has the Stark look but with Tully blue eyes and is 14 in the portrait.

Then there are the twins, Leon and Edwyn. Edwyn is the older of the two (standing on the right) and is bookish and a bit of a scaredy cat. While he is very smart, especially in history and sums, he is not very eloquent and often trips over his own tongue. He has no interest in the martial arts, but is always willing to play a part in his brother's schemes. Leon is the younger of the two (on the right) and has a mean streak to him. Easily entertained and easily bored, he'd rather be practicing the sword or running through the Godswood than doing his lessons. Fortunately his position as the forth born affords him the luxury of focusing on his pranks and schemes that he pulls on the inhabitants of Winterfell. They take after their mother and are 10 in the portrait. They are also both mama's boys.

I also have many thoughts of the rest of the Starks but that's for another post lol

[meetmeatthecoda]

(star emoji) for Grifting With The Enemy :D

Pumpkin!! 🧡🧡🧡 Hello, my dear friend, thank you so much for your endless interest & support!! 😍😍 And for giving me a reason to re-read GWTE, which I haven't done for a loooong time!! 😂😬 (But, the good news is, it low-key got me inspired to hurry up & finish it!! 😏) BUT - in the meantime - here's some BTS info from my re-read under the cut, which is a lot - fair warning - since it's a 4 chapter fic & counting!! ❤️

LOL I forgot how stressful it is coming up with names for random extra people in fics, I hate doing that LOL But I did think it was important to open with Red NOT being a merciless crime lord who kills anyone who displeases him, cause - while he does have that side to him when necessary - that's not who Red is or wants to be.

I liked including that little moment with Red & Dembe about the parallel parking. I love those father/son & brotp moments for them, they're just the best. I tried to sprinkle those in wherever I could in Red's POV in this fic.

I loved the mental picture of Liz - with glasses & beanie a la The Harem - just leaning casually against a bookshelf the first time Red sees her... & he's immediately captivated, just like in canon. Especially with her eyes, I can't NOT write any version of Red that is not completely blown away by Liz's eyes, I mean, come on I also thought it was important that he thinks she's much younger than she is (intentionally part of her persona) & I'm looking forward to writing the reveal of her true age in a later chapter.

I loved writing a Liz that instantly challenges Red, already having heard about him (& more than that, as revealed in chapter 2) & point blank telling him she may refuse the job bc she has a say too. I liked keeping - & even amplifying a little - that dynamic from canon!Liz of always surprising Red & keeping him on his toes, all while he's trying so desperately to stay ahead of her & impress her.

I LOVED writing the brush pass scene - that moment where Red realizes he has officially underestimated her - & LOL I completely forgot I wrote that part about the condom LMFAO wow past!Coda, mighty daring of you 😂😂😂

Plus, I couldn't help the bonus bit about her stealing his phone & tossing it to him to end the chapter, that was just so fun to throw in there!!

I liked opening chapter 2 with Red still thinking about Liz, just to show how she captured his attention, even before he finds out she's been stealing from him. And I liked writing that revelation without any anger on his part, with him understanding it wasn't a full-scale attack on his empire, she's just a thief taking well paying jobs where she can get them, & instead it just shows him how talented she is. I thought that was an important thing to clarify before moving forward.

I LOVED writing Red & Dembe surprising Liz in her apartment, especially the part with Red's snooping & being confused & surprised by what he sees there. I loved kind of creating/designing Liz's apartment to showcase her true self, not her "young thief" persona that Red falls for at first. I wanted it to be clear that Red is fascinated by her seeming duality from the start (canon LOL) as well as just straight-up attracted to her (also canon LMAO).

Also I gave Liz a loft apartment cause I've always loved those!!

And I LOVEDDD writing Red super confident about surprising her & looking forward to taking her off guard by settling in on the couch & all that macho man stuff, only to be rendered fucking dumbstruck when she comes downstairs with no pants on lmfao & I included that little detail of her usually wearing a knife on her leg to show she's not to be underestimated 😏 & I couldn't help but throw in there Dembe kicking the back of the couch, that made me cackle lmfao

I think the truce was important to establish asap bc I didn't want any secrets or lingering animosity between them. That's for canon 😒 Only flirting & sexual tension here, thank you very much.

I had to include Red being a gentleman & asking if she wanted to get dressed, but I also couldn't resist Liz being confident & careless about it, while still hiding tactfully behind the counter. I thought that was a cute exchange.

lmfao of course, I included their coffee preferences being noticed by the other, I think that's an obligatory thing in any Lizzington fic ever, I'm so guilty of that lmfao

I loved the idea of Red being ready to start on a classic Red's Blacklister Presentation but Liz once again stops him in his tracks (while still secretly being impressed by his presence, of course, & I even accidentally switched POVs for no reason to include that?? nice Coda lmfao) as well as trading barbs & quips with him while Red feels awful & guilty at any accidental slights bc he can't bear to insult her.

AM&R vs. AR&M whoops typo lol

I liked the little snippet of dark!Red we see in their conversation of consequences for his enemies, that way Liz sees a little bit of what he's capable of & Red sees how she's not phased by it.

And that last little flirtation & wink to finish the chapter - lol can't resist

Ooooh, I loved switching to Liz's POV (fully ha) for chapter 3, I enjoyed describing how head over heels she is for Red already, that was fun. I liked writing about her lil movie day & chores she's completed, as well as fleshing out her AU past a little with Sam & her young grifting experiences. And her burning her popcorn while daydreaming about Red cause... same 😏

Ooooh, phone conversations are always so fun to write between them, I love trying to get that perfect mix of joking & sincerity & flirting & pining & pressing the phone close to their ear.

I thought it was important to keep (or rather re-invent, since TPTB seemed to drop it like a hot potato 😒😒😒) Liz's intense interest & respect for psychology, especially as a reason for being attracted to Red, since it kind of mirrors one facet of his interest in her. Not to mention Red thinks at first that it's just a useless, do nothing degree for her LOL

Ohhh, I loved establishing that mutual respect & friendliness between Liz & Dembe early on, that's such a fave of mine, I've always loved their friendship & thought it had a lot of potential. Liz loves & respects Dembe for keeping Red safe & Dembe loves & respects Liz for being so dear to Red.

Ugh, I LOVED writing Liz so completely disarmed by Red's relative state of undress at his safe house (paralleling her pants-less parade in chapter 2, of course) bc sameeeeeeee girl.

I also had fun writing Red blabbing on about some story as he often does, meanwhile Liz has already picked the lock on the safe, once again impressing & surprising him while she admires his different passport pics. That was so fun.

And I loved the quick shift to just a little animosity between them with Red insulting her lockpicks & Liz flaunting her thefts from him. I think those little spats give a little electricity & tension to the relationship, even if they blown over quickly, which they always do. And the fact that Red apologizes & they shake hands & make up is very refreshing to me (since they never fucking do it in canon lol fml) & also it's an excuse to write a little teasing physical contact & sexual tension 😁😁😁

And damn, I forgot how fun it is to throw a little teasing jab in there at the end of a chapter, just for fun - probably bc I'm allergic to multi-chapter fics & never write them lmfao wow

Ahhhhhhhh. I remember how much fun I had writing this whole restaurant scene, partly bc it was a difficult & long process (trying not to make all the flirting & physical movements repetitive while fitting in all the necessary dialogue in a semi-non-boring way lol) but also bc it was so fun writing their back-and-forth while seated at a table alone with nowhere else to go & nothing to distract them. I also wanted to take the opportunity to show Red's genuine interest in her as a person & let them spend some quality time together for the first time. I loved the idea of them losing track of time & Dembe having to come interrupt them with a knowing smirk. Also I def referred to the Olive Garden website for the food they ate cause I'm lame lmfaooo

I thought it was cute to throw in that Liz almost couldn't find Red when she arrived but for the fedora marker he placed out for her & then when she's leaving, she can feel his gaze on her the whole way out. Little parallels like that are my guilty pleasure 😁

Omggg I forgot about the end of this chapter, I remember I wanted Red to surprise Liz yet again & I thought the dessert snuck into her bag was a cute touch. Plus, tiramisu is a favorite of mine 😋 I also tried to make the vibe of this phone call a little softer & more tentative, not so much on tender hooks with lots of tension as the previous ones have been, showing how they're getting used to each other & falling in love at a break neck pace lol

Welp, that's all 4 chapters that are posted buttttttttt a sneaky look at my document that I haven't opened for an embarrassingly long timeeeeeee shows my sketch for the rest of the fic which revealssssss....... a detailed 10 chapter map with an epilogue!! Wow, I forgot I sketched everything out in such detail, this isn't too bad, maybe I should actually write this 😂😂😂 And I promise I will, hopefully sooner rather than later!! ❤️❤️❤️

Well, there you go, Pumpkin, I hope that didn't take you too long to slog through & there was something enjoyable in there for you!! 😂 Thank you so much for your interest again, my lovely friend, & getting me excited about this fic again!! 🥰 Much love to you, always, Pumpkin!! 🧡

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut

[mmikmmik2]

First impressions of episodes nine and ten under the readmore

The Castle Car

OHHHHHHH

I loved...... the backstory with Jeremy.........

laksdjalkfadsj Amelia taking over the car completely offscreen while Min-Gi and Ryan are like WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!

Okay this established something I'd been thinking about for a while - Amelia seemed a /lot/ more benevolent at this point, which makes sense! I think it took a long, long time and a lot of little falls for Amelia to sink to the depths of The Ball Pit Car and The Engine. I mean even in S1, it took her a while to work up to "fuck it, I'm just going to murder this child". Back when she first took over the train, she /was/ thinking about other passengers, she /was/ thinking about how her actions would affect them and at least /trying/ to take steps for their benefit. The Amelia we met in S1 would not have bothered sending the Steward out to give even a half-assed explanation, nor cared about removing the boots.

Ryan clearly projecting himself onto Kez during the "you don't think and then you just fly away from the consequences", and... I think... it seemed like Min was also projecting Ryan onto Kez at the end there when he was telling her that he knows she tries and that he thinks she's basically good? Hm.

Kudos to people who predicted that this season would have themes of societal pressure and bigotry, personally I do think that was a big running thread of subtext this season. Morgan made a comment along the lines of like, "you can stay here and not deal with all the crap that sent you to the train in the first place", iirc. And like I said - Amelia taking over the train during Min-Gi and Ryan's story /does/ kind of deprive them of agency, but loss of agency does seem to be a theme this season. Ryan's reaction to Amelia showing up via the Steward basically seemed like him just losing it that bullshit keeps happening to them that they can't predict or control and that he doesn't know how to go forward.

Leaving and being left behind still huge themes this season

Keeeeeeeeez ;_;

God Morgan is actually really interesting though - Jeremy's journal said that there were lots of passengers at his first anniversary party but none afterwards? And Kez said it felt like the passengers leaving was getting to Morgan over time? So to me that kind of implies that like... Morgan has given up on wanting to help passengers, /but she actually used to be really good at it?/ I mean there were multiple people with her and she was getting them out? She kind of embodies the strengths of the train, as a weird out-of-context place where people can get some space from their lives and take time to /just/ work on their problems, but in a situation where they're safe and comfortable and not afraid of death

OKAY LAST EPISODE

The Train to Nowhere

Hmmmmmm. A lot about this episode felt really, really good and I liked it, but I think this season is one I need to think more about. Part of that is a genuinely good thing imo - the writers went out on a limb making Ryan and Min-Gi's arcs so convoluted and nonlinear, and I think it was a good choice. And the most important moments - and again this I would characterize as a deliberate storytelling choice and one I liked - weren't dramatic confrontations, it was times the characters just sat down and talked to each other.

Because of that last point up there, I like that Kez's pursuers ended up being like... kind of dumb and pointless? Honestly, I thought the dialogue in that scene ended up being clunky, which really bothered me. The execution could have been a lot better imo. But the themes of like, "you don't have to fight, but you do have to stop and think and deal with the consequences of your actions" worked for this season.

Season three still stands head and shoulders above as the best season imo but I gotta think about where I'd rank season four compared to the first two... but even if I land on thinking it wasn't as good as/liking it less than seasons one and two, it was still a great season. I loved it!

I really like that Ryan confessed he tried to leave Min-Gi behind and Min-Gi accepted it and didn't turn it into a fight. It's like I was talking about earlier, where all those big progress moments have to be built up to by a lot of little moments where characters practice healthier behavior and are working hard to internalize important lessons. The guys had to practice forgiving each other and not assuming the worst of each other, and building trust that even when they each backslide or hurt each other, they're still going to be there for each other. And that practice paid off here.

I think Ryan and Min-Gi's ages are important... they're still /extremely/ young, but they are adults. And they're like. moving into this age where how they relate to each other, and whether or not they're in each other's lives, is entirely dependent on their own choices - they can't just coast on seeing each other because their families are neighbors and they go to the same school. If they let themselves think "this is unforgivable" or "I can't fix this", then that is going to be true. If they think "okay, let's work on this together", and genuinely mean it, and trust that the other person means it too, then there's very little they can't fix. I think a lot of what we're seeing in episode ten is them successfully transitioning into that new stage of their relationship. Kez struck me as awfully young in this episode... there's no point to trying to assign a human age to a living concierge bell, but it's like she's prepping to enter that phase of life that Ryan and Min-Gi are now fully within.

also thinking Kez seeming "young" is a consequence of Kez seeming to be like. literally created to be the Comedy Relief Funney Bell who clowns around. the court jester to Morgan's castle. whoops she had too much character development!

ahhhhhhhh I did like that ending though... Chicken Choice Judy plays again... I love them

"Train to nowhere" is... a good ending to the series... god I wish it didn't have to end...

[blue-eyed-korra]

Lauren and Kieran’s Relationship: Action not Words

*Mini rant before the actual post:

So apparently someone shared my post about Kieran to the Purple Hyacinth group on Band (shoutout to @lanxyuu​​ for showing me this) and a bunch of people there liked it including Sophism herself which is crazy because this comic has become my life??? And the work she and Eph do is amazing??? And she said she liked my brain!?!?!? AHHHHHHH- sorry I’m still shook but I honestly can’t believe that she actually liked my work just... AHHHHHHHH!

*Mini rant ended here*

Anyways, seeing as how I’m currently a broke, unemployed, soon-to-be-grad student under quarantine, I have no coins to fastpass the last episodes of PH. Believe me it is the greatest tragedy of my life. But I still wanna write more about PH so what should I do? Well I decided to write about how we can learn more about Lauren and Kieran’s relationship through their non-verbal interactions. By looking at how they act around each other rather than just what they say, we can get a better sense for what their relationship was like before episode 43, and where it may go from there. Now I’m not gonna talk about every single time they interact with each other because some are irrelevant, it would take way too long to write and this post would become even more of a mess than it already is. 

Now you might be thinking this is just an excuse to discuss one of my favourite ships because their relationship in the comic isn’t the greatest rn and I don’t want to/can’t accept that they may not get together (in the foreseeable future), and you’d be right. Let me have this. 

Ok so the first scene I wanna talk about is the very first physical interaction they have where they’re not actively attacking/trying to kill each other. I’m talking of course about when they make the deal to work together in episode 11.

What I like about this is that it’s both impersonal and intimate, because they’re both doing this for their own reasons and they both see the other as a means to an end, but it’s also a blood pact. Kieran cuts his hand and offers it to her, and Lauren accepts in kind. They’re becoming bound to each other, but all in the common interest to take down the Leader.

The same can also be said for when they go dancing; it’s just an act. A way to blend in and find Anslow. They tango and banter and get all close and we all lived for it (hell I’m still living for it), because it’s hot and the sexual tension is insane but to them it’s just apart of the operation and doesn’t really mean anything. Like when she later seduces Anslow to get him alone. It’s all a part of the plan

I’d say the moment we see the biggest shift is after the whole Blakelsey situation. They’re back at the cave and Lauren is pretty shook because not only did Kieran save her life, but he showed her that he really does try to avoid killing when given the choice. So when she sees he’s injured and struggling with his bandages, she goes to help him.

Sidenote: This is completely unrelated to anything in this post but I just wanted to say that I never realised how attractive a back could be until I saw Kieran’s so thank you Soph for giving this to us🙏🏻

You can see this is part of her way of thanking him for saving her before she actually tells him. You can see that she’s beginning to reevaluate the idea of him that she has in her head, because his actions that night contradict everything she assumed about him. This is the moment she begins to see his humanity. And he’s pretty shocked too because he’s accustomed to doing everything alone and her of all people offering her help and thanks is wild to him, but more about how Kieran feels later.

Things change the most for Lauren after the whole Grim Goblin incident. She’s jumped out of a hotel window, into a tree and fell several storeys to the ground. Kieran finds her injured and trying to play it off as nothing because 1) She’s a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man, and 2) Because she’d rather not get the help of this man in particular. But he calls bullshit and scoops her up bridal style. Again, she’s shook because the Purple Hyacinth is carrying her bridal style, but it wears off quickly and she begins struggling out of his grip. The piggyback is clearly a compromise where he can still carry her but it’s less intimate and, dare I say, ‘damsel-like’ than before. I also think Lauren was ok with the piggyback because it made her taller than Kieran and therefore more in control lol.

Then they get to his apartment and she one again tries to brush off her injuries but the the turn tables and Kieran is the one helping patch her up. He picks her up, puts her on the table and rips her sleeve off to get a better look at her cut.

One thing I wanna point out is her reaction to him being so close.

She’s clenching her fist on the edge of the table because he is way into her personal space. You can practically feel his breath on her neck. He’s being very clinical about everything and probably can’t feel her discomfort, but we as readers can feel just how uncomfortable and anxious she is. This man just carried her to his home and is checking her wounds and is gonna patch her up and it’s breaking every preconceived notion she had of him in her head. He’s not some murderous monster *wink wink* whose sole purpose is to spread misery and pain. He’s just a man who lives in an apartment and likes to read and draw and eats and breaths just like any other person. Logically, she knows that he’s a human, but actually seeing it is another thing entirely. And her realizing this now only makes everything that goes down in episode 43 hurt that much more.

I realize that most of this word vomit essay is about how Lauren feels, but what about Kieran? What can we lean about how he feels about Lauren? Well, that’s gonna be a bit trickier. For one thing, Lauren is the main character, therefore we spend way more time in head than his by a long shot. We know less about his motivations and personality than we do about hers. All of this contributes to the mystery that is Kieran White. But there are moments we can learn things about him, especially when his true feelings shine through.

One thing that demonstrates this a lot is when Lauren surprises him. There are times when Lauren says or does something and for just a second, it throws Kieran off and has him really think about the mystery that is Lauren Sinclair.

We see this happen a few times: First when they’re preparing to go get Anslow and he sees her disguise and the gun strapped to her thigh, Next when she’s thanking him for saving her life and finally when he sees her the morning after she sleeps over.

With the first one he’s more pleasantly surprised than anything, seeing officer goodie-twoshoes being this resourceful and sneaky. He expected her to be more of a straight-lace killjoy, but now he’s seeing more of her ‘bad girl’ side and it’s interesting.

He’s more shocked than surprised when she thanks him for saving her. Like I said before, he’s an assassin. When do you think the last time he was thanked for saving a life rather than taking one? Probably never honestly. And now this woman, who he knows doesn’t like him very much, is helping him with his bandages and offering him gratitude and he’s kind of in awe of it all. Of course we see him try to brush it off by being a jackass (and we love him for it) but still, I see you Kieran👀.

I think the final scene is the most interesting tho. Because he comes back from getting her stuff at the cave and just sees her standing there. She doesn’t do anything or say anything out of the ordinary. She’s just standing there... in one of his shirts and basically nothing else... in his apartment... the morning after sleeping in his bed. 

He was confused as to why he brought her there the night before and he’s never brought anyone to his home before, so I think seeing her like this, all casual in his space despite everything, is really driving home just how close they’ve become and how he hasn’t had anything remotely close to a friend or companion or whatever they are in years.

But once again, this was all before episode 43, which still hurts my soul. I know things are gonna be different after everything, but I hope that Lauren and Kieran are able to express themselves more with each other as the story continues.

So yeah, this is a mess. If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Now this post was more of a labour of love than I initially thought because it took literally a whole day to write and then got deleted the next day! So this is the rewrite. Lowkey happy it got deleted because this is far less rambling than before. Take a moment to let that sink in. As I’m writing this episode 48 is only a couple hours from being made free for everyone. Watch me come back on here and post another essay about it lol. Looking forward to doing more of these though! Thanks for all the feedback and remember to send the creators some love!

[but-who-needs-dignity]

Some background: Kima (halfling paladin) and Allura (human wizard) had been adventuring companions some 15 years earlier. After Vox Machina rescued Kima (at Allura’s behest) from the underdark in Kraghammer, the two rekindled their close relationship from that time in their lives. They became romantically involved (and later married). This is basically from when they’ve freshly gotten together and Allura’s topping Kima for the first time. Kima’s still been in love with Allura for all these years and is still a little bit incredulous that they’re actually together. From what I can tell from Critical Role episodes, Kima’s a badass in battle but also a little bit shy and self-conscious, especially in matters of sex and when the spotlight is on her. Hence, a bit of angsty gay shit, because goddammit, the woman she’s been in love with for years wanting to go down on her just brings up a lot of “ahhHHHHHH!”  I might write a lil more intro so it isn’t *just* BAM SEX, but here’s what I have. Pls don’t judge me, friends.

Kima can hardly believe this is real. But when she opens her eyes again, she feels Allura’s unbraided golden hair falling along Kima’s own naked torso, sees Allura’s lips around her own breast, feels the warm kisses on her own nipples. It feels too indecent to watch, but Kima can’t look away as Allura gives a gentle bite to her nipple, pulls away from her breast with a kiss, and nestles her body down even lower. Allura kisses between Kima’s breasts, down her muscled torso, around her belly button, and shifts to the side to gently lick at the jut of her hips. Satisfied with the gentle moans that Kima couldn’t help making, she goes lower still, down to where she can already see how wet her lover is, and gently, teasingly plants a ghost of a kiss on her outer lips.

This can’t be happening. But it is. Allura’s blue eyes glance up as she slowly—so slowly—licks gently along Kima’s lips from her entrance up, locking on to direct eye contact as she reaches her clit and tenderly kisses it.

It’s too much. This is too much. This is too vulnerable and embarrassing and is turning her on so incredibly much and it feels selfish but also Allura seems more than happy to be down there and that thought alone makes it feel like Kima’s mind is about to explode.

Allura, not breaking eye contact, licks inside of Kima’s slit, gently kissing and sucking on her inner lips. And then, Allura has the audacity to moan when she’s not even the one with the head of this beautiful woman between her legs. Oh my god, the thought that going down on her was turning Allura on was too much for Kima.

Kima couldn’t help it. She broke eye contact, she hid her hands in her face. This moment was so raw and so real and so intimate and somehow it brought up every thought that she had about not deserving Allura’s love, about being sure that the woman from her past would stay in the past and Kima would have to get over her eventually. And the thought that Allura was here and focused on her and not even just returning a favor, but truly, genuinely, wanted to please Kima—wanted to turn her on, to make her hers, and to worship her body and taste her and make her moan—was overwhelming. She didn’t know how she could get more drunk on desire and more incredibly in love with this woman she’d been trying to hide her love from for years and years. 

Allura, damn her, noticed right away. She brought her mouth up from between Kima’s legs—oh my god, her face was wet and despite herself Kima felt a flash of heat down her core—and asked, “is everything okay?”

There was a look of genuine worry on Allura’s face when Kima actually looked her in the eye again. “I’m so sorry,” Allura said. “Am I going too fast? Are you not enjoying this? I can stop at any point, absolutely no offense taken. We don’t have to do this tonight. Or at all, if you don’t want to.”

Allura seemed to look straight into Kima’s soul, something that, whenever she did it, was equal parts intimidating and absolutely heart-melting.

“No, no, I... please keep going. I’m just honestly a little bit rattled because it feels like I’m enjoying this too much, and you’re too beautiful, and, just making sure, do you actually want to do this?”

Allura laughed. So absolutely musical, so adorable. “Kima. This was my idea, remember? There is nowhere in the world I’d rather be than right here.” She punctuated the thought with another soft kiss between Kima’s thighs, and this time, Kima let herself fully experience what Allura was giving her. And god, was she good at what she was giving.

Allura licked up from the wetness at Kima’s entrance to her clit, taking her it in her mouth and sucking gently as her tongue circled around. Kima couldn’t stop a loud, guttural moan from her throat, or her hips from keening into the contact of Allura’s mouth. And Allura kept sucking and licking harder, and faster, and soon Kima felt tension building up inside her.

“Allura. Allie, I love you. Allie, I’m about to—”

Allura broke contact momentarily to tilt her head up slightly, gripped her hands around Kima’s hips, and gasped, “I love you, too. I’ve got you. It’s okay to let go.”

At those words, the expression of genuine love in Allura’s eyes, the patience and care with which she was being treated—Kima started to fall apart very soon after Allura lowered her tongue again to flick over Kima’s clit. Kima tightly gripped Allura’s shoulders, she strained her hips into her mouth, and she completely surrendered.

Her legs stiffened, her hips rolled up, and she moaned Allura’s name so loudly and so many times that she was mortified as soon as the last of her orgasm faded away.

As soon as she was sure that Kima was finished, Allura came up, wiped her mouth off, and set her head on her much smaller lover’s shoulder, gently cradling her arms around her waist.

“Goodness,” Allura sighed. “That was even better than I thought it would be. Far surpassing the dreams about doing just that that were filling my head years ago on our adventures together, late at night in that tent we shared...”

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Allura? You felt the same way back then? I mean, I know we had kissed a few times, but it wasn’t just me pining and wondering if it was real or the heat of battle or--”

Allura rolled over and forcefully kissed Kima, stopping her rambling instantly. Kima tried not melt into the bed when she tasted herself on Allura’s tongue.

“That might have been the case,” Allura said with a teasing wink. “Now, I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are, too. Let’s get some sleep, my love.” With that, Allura nestled her face into the base of Kima’s shoulder, gave her neck a soft kiss, and sighed. “I love you.”

Kima nestled into her girlfriend, returned her kiss with one on the top of Allura’s head, and sighed happily. “I love you, too.”